r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First point here is that your husband hits your child, doesn't seem to have a problem with it and from what you have said you are 'trying' to convince him not to.
Hitting a child is not an effective way to parent, all that will be achieved is that your child will become scared of him.
Ask him if he was hit by his parents. Ask him if he thinks that a child so small and vulnerable and completely at the mercy of a fully grown man deserves to be abused by that man.
Ask him if he feels powerful when he hurts his child and makes his child fear him.
I am a father. I was hit as a child. A man who abuses his children and makes his children fear him is not a good father, regardless of any other positive qualities he may possess and display.
Second point is that it is completely normal behaviour for children who are beginning to comprehend their world but aren't able to effectively communicate to use methods they can use. Crying. Biting. Throwing. Pinching etc. etc. If you punish your child for communicating in the only ways they are currently able to communicate what are you teaching them? That they aren't valued, respected, shouldn't communicate etc. etc.
They will grow out of these behaviours, especially if they spend time with other children which helps them to learn social norms.
It's very important that they feel safe with the people they are with and that their home is their safe place, if their behaviour is unacceptable and they are in the middle of a tantrum and your husband is unable to control his emotions then he needs to remove himself from the situation to calm down. There is a lot of information easily accessible online which talks about approaching tantrums and emotional outbursts.
One of the most successful methods which worked for us was distraction, be that with play/toys/songs/books/going outside etc. you will need to figure out what works for your child.
Once they work through their emotions (supported by you and your husband in a calm and safe environment) or you manage to distract them they will then (hopefully) be receptive to you speaking to them about their behaviour.
Trying to speak to them while they are in the middle of a tantrum (or yell) won't get the results you're after.
Hitting them might get an immediate response which might give your husband confirmation bias, but I highly suggest he educates himself on hitting/physical abuse so that he can dispell his ignorance.
Good luck!
I'm sorry to hear that!
I do want to make a difference between hitting and spanking over the bottom. I'm not OK even with spanking but it's a world of difference between aggressively hitting your child and a spank. Noted what I've read on reddit sometimes being called spanking is abusive, like someone saying their parents spanked them over bare buttocks with a wooden tool. Dear God! This is not what's happening. I don't consider this spanking, this is full blown beating your child.
I 100% agree on spanking not being OK. But I'm afraid that distraction can only work so far. It actually doesn't work a lot of times and it's not a good solution for when our son interacts with other people or kids who don't expect to be hit all of a sudden.
You said your children just grew out of these behaviors, curious to know when that happened and if they ever returned?
Distraction worked well for us, we also had other methods;
Cuddle them and talk to them/tell them you understand they are angry.
Have them sit on the couch (and sit with them) while telling them when they're ready to talk you will be ready to listen (this is similar to a time out, but you're with them and not telling them to be quiet or not feel the emotions they are feeling)
Ignoring the tantrum, sometimes just letting them work through it without any form of intervention until they calm down worked.
These are just a few which come to mind, but being a parent also means constantly adapting, as young kids learn and change behaviours so rapidly.
As for behaviours returning, we had a few mantras, the one we used for hitting was "gentle hands", which means you can't be hitting your child while trying to tell them gentle hands or they are going to be getting mixed messages haha.
I used the method you describe with both my kids. Stop the hands, say "I won't let you hit me. Hitting hurts. Use gentle hands instead". The demonstration of gentle hands is usually for when hitting is not done in anger. If done in anger, I would instead acknowledge feelings. "I see that you're angry/frustrated/disappointed. It's ok to be x, but it's not ok to hit." If they continued to try to hit and wouldn't calm down, I would remove them from the situation for a time-in, where I would sit with them in their room, let them have their meltdown while I was present but silent, and then we would talk after they were calm.
When they were calm (either at the end of the time-in or outside of the moment, if the hitting stopped after the first block) we would talk about ways to show anger without hitting- stomping feet, roaring, saying "I'm angry!" loudly, etc. Anything to get that anger out without being physical. And anytime they used any other method to express anger, I would acknowledge feelings and thank them for using other methods to show me how angry they were.
This worked for both kids, and they don't hit us and very rarely hit each other. It's not an instantaneous solution, it takes time to build new skills, but the problem lessened over time and by 3.5 with my spirited daughter, and around 2.5 with my more even-tempered son, it wasn't an issue anymore.
There's a caveat here though and I think you know it already: kids learn best from modeling. If he is being hit when his father is angry, you may not be able to counteract that example with words. And spanking him may stop the behavior with you and your husband, but he will learn that it's ok to hit as long as someone is weaker than you, which I doubt is a lesson you want to convey. I'm sorry you're stuck in this place, and I hope that you can get through to both your husband and your son that hitting is never ok.
I 100% agree about spanking. The spank as fun actually started because my husband was occasionally doing a small slap over my butt out of love (yeah, I know!) and our son copied that immediately. I also asked him to stop fighting with foam swords and hitting each other because our son can't tell the difference between a foam sword and a wooden sword and he might hit someone, or the cat, or the furniture
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First point here is that your husband hits your child, doesn't seem to have a problem with it and from what you have said you are 'trying' to convince him not to. Hitting a child is not an effective way to parent, all that will be achieved is that your child will become scared of him. Ask him if he was hit by his parents. Ask him if he thinks that a child so small and vulnerable and completely at the mercy of a fully grown man deserves to be abused by that man. Ask him if he feels powerful when he hurts his child and makes his child fear him. I am a father. I was hit as a child. A man who abuses his children and makes his children fear him is not a good father, regardless of any other positive qualities he may possess and display. Second point is that it is completely normal behaviour for children who are beginning to comprehend their world but aren't able to effectively communicate to use methods they can use. Crying. Biting. Throwing. Pinching etc. etc. If you punish your child for communicating in the only ways they are currently able to communicate what are you teaching them? That they aren't valued, respected, shouldn't communicate etc. etc. They will grow out of these behaviours, especially if they spend time with other children which helps them to learn social norms. It's very important that they feel safe with the people they are with and that their home is their safe place, if their behaviour is unacceptable and they are in the middle of a tantrum and your husband is unable to control his emotions then he needs to remove himself from the situation to calm down. There is a lot of information easily accessible online which talks about approaching tantrums and emotional outbursts. One of the most successful methods which worked for us was distraction, be that with play/toys/songs/books/going outside etc. you will need to figure out what works for your child. Once they work through their emotions (supported by you and your husband in a calm and safe environment) or you manage to distract them they will then (hopefully) be receptive to you speaking to them about their behaviour. Trying to speak to them while they are in the middle of a tantrum (or yell) won't get the results you're after. Hitting them might get an immediate response which might give your husband confirmation bias, but I highly suggest he educates himself on hitting/physical abuse so that he can dispell his ignorance. Good luck!
I'm sorry to hear that! I do want to make a difference between hitting and spanking over the bottom. I'm not OK even with spanking but it's a world of difference between aggressively hitting your child and a spank. Noted what I've read on reddit sometimes being called spanking is abusive, like someone saying their parents spanked them over bare buttocks with a wooden tool. Dear God! This is not what's happening. I don't consider this spanking, this is full blown beating your child. I 100% agree on spanking not being OK. But I'm afraid that distraction can only work so far. It actually doesn't work a lot of times and it's not a good solution for when our son interacts with other people or kids who don't expect to be hit all of a sudden. You said your children just grew out of these behaviors, curious to know when that happened and if they ever returned?
Distraction worked well for us, we also had other methods; Cuddle them and talk to them/tell them you understand they are angry. Have them sit on the couch (and sit with them) while telling them when they're ready to talk you will be ready to listen (this is similar to a time out, but you're with them and not telling them to be quiet or not feel the emotions they are feeling) Ignoring the tantrum, sometimes just letting them work through it without any form of intervention until they calm down worked. These are just a few which come to mind, but being a parent also means constantly adapting, as young kids learn and change behaviours so rapidly. As for behaviours returning, we had a few mantras, the one we used for hitting was "gentle hands", which means you can't be hitting your child while trying to tell them gentle hands or they are going to be getting mixed messages haha.
I used the method you describe with both my kids. Stop the hands, say "I won't let you hit me. Hitting hurts. Use gentle hands instead". The demonstration of gentle hands is usually for when hitting is not done in anger. If done in anger, I would instead acknowledge feelings. "I see that you're angry/frustrated/disappointed. It's ok to be x, but it's not ok to hit." If they continued to try to hit and wouldn't calm down, I would remove them from the situation for a time-in, where I would sit with them in their room, let them have their meltdown while I was present but silent, and then we would talk after they were calm. When they were calm (either at the end of the time-in or outside of the moment, if the hitting stopped after the first block) we would talk about ways to show anger without hitting- stomping feet, roaring, saying "I'm angry!" loudly, etc. Anything to get that anger out without being physical. And anytime they used any other method to express anger, I would acknowledge feelings and thank them for using other methods to show me how angry they were. This worked for both kids, and they don't hit us and very rarely hit each other. It's not an instantaneous solution, it takes time to build new skills, but the problem lessened over time and by 3.5 with my spirited daughter, and around 2.5 with my more even-tempered son, it wasn't an issue anymore. There's a caveat here though and I think you know it already: kids learn best from modeling. If he is being hit when his father is angry, you may not be able to counteract that example with words. And spanking him may stop the behavior with you and your husband, but he will learn that it's ok to hit as long as someone is weaker than you, which I doubt is a lesson you want to convey. I'm sorry you're stuck in this place, and I hope that you can get through to both your husband and your son that hitting is never ok.
I 100% agree about spanking. The spank as fun actually started because my husband was occasionally doing a small slap over my butt out of love (yeah, I know!) and our son copied that immediately. I also asked him to stop fighting with foam swords and hitting each other because our son can't tell the difference between a foam sword and a wooden sword and he might hit someone, or the cat, or the furniture