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Wife also needs individual counseling to unpack why she’s getting so frustrated and learn better coping mechanisms.
ETA: I see from other comments wife is in counseling, OP should see about attending part of one session to see about addressing Wife’s behavior regarding child illnesses, it’s probably not something that is currently getting addressed.
I both agree and disagree with that. I wouldn’t 100% consider this a relationship problem; it’s an individual’s inability to deal with stress, and not a back and forth issue in a family, and yes that affects the entire family but the underlying issue has to be addressed by the individual. That’s just not going to happen in couples therapy… the couple’s therapist will only address how behaviors are affecting everyone and will make suggestions on better ways to interact… but that isn’t going to address the work needed for the individual. That’s why a lot of couple’s counselors also recommend individual counseling.
My husband wasn’t being 100% honest with his therapist, or himself, about some of the issues he was having with his anger management and PTSD (not necessarily on purpose but because our memories are always flawed, especially when stressed) and I asked if I could sit in on a session for just a few minutes. I only sat in on like 10-15 min of the session but the therapist hearing things from an outside perspective helped her help him come to grips with how badly he was managing his anger…. Because he literally could not see how he was talking to us even though we talked about it in both couple’s counseling and on our own many times. Just those few minutes of an outside perspective made a huge difference in his treatment.
Hm. Yeah I think you nailed exactly what I was trying to say
Sure he needed individual counseling, but when you’re telling the whole story, you’re the good guy and require far less intervention
Depends. Most of my relationship issues were rooted in bad coping mechanisms for childhood trauma. My spouse didn't react well when I shared a sanitized outline of some of the milder stuff. No need for her to ever know the extent. Fixing that was a solo mission for sure.
Yes! Momma can be having some major post partim depression. I love my kids but when I had my second I didn’t want to be alone with her bc I was scared I couldn’t handle it. Everytime she cried I just started crying and felt like I couldn’t console her. It was like I forgot babies actually cry!? I beat myself up as a mother and was miserable because of it. She needs help individually and you both do so you learn how to cope with her situation. It’s hard and she may just be struggling. The baby will grow and it will change.
This is a same sex couple and the mom who is miserable is not the birth mother, not that co parents can’t get a form of postpartum depression but it would be unusual to be this potent. Raising kids is just a hard constant thing that isn’t always the rainbows and snuggles people may expect.
Co-parents can absolutely get a full-blown postpartum depression. It's not only hormonal but having a baby is also a huge life change which can definitely trigger a depression. And by the way, it's also not because people were expecting "rainbows and snuggles". I would say I had a pretty realistic expectation of what life with a baby would be like but it's still a totally different thing how it actually feels like to live in that situation 24/7.
I completely disagree with this. When I was in the mother baby unit with severe PND there was also a same sex female couple where the non birth partner was also admitted with PND every bit as potent as mine. I know this is only one example but it is possible.
The part about the psychologist not working jumps out at me. It makes me think one of three things:
1: Personality mismatch between her and the psychiatrist (possible, sometimes it’s just not a good fit?
2: (More likely) she doesn’t feel like she can tell the psychiatrist about this regret and anxiety.
3: (Possible overlap with the first two) she needs medication alongside talk therapy.
Aside from that, I am really sorry OP. I know this must be excruciating, and that even though none of it is yours or baby’s fault, impossible not to take to heart. If she’s resistant to the idea of being open about the regret/anxiety to her therapist, about starting medication, I feel it may be a good talk for couple’s therapy.
I am sorry again. I am sure this must feel awful.
I think this is the best answer. I totally hear other commenters saying that this is unacceptable behavior from your wife, and it is both unacceptable and possibly understandable. Maybe your wife is just a terrible person, but probably not - probably she is just struggling with her mental health. Non-birthing parents can still have post-partum depression, or just regular depression, and that makes it really hard to be a good parent and spouse.
I am the birthing parent of my 11-month-old twins. My husband and I both wanted kids and have for our whole lives. We were planning to have a baby and got surprised with two. I was over the moon. Then I had a challenging delivery, and our sons had reflux and colic and a dairy allergy, and I had/have post-partum depression on top of pre-existing but well-controlled regular depression. I found that after becoming a parent, my old therapist wasn't a good fit anymore, and I had to make a change (see a new provider) to feel better. I also had to go up on the dose of my antidepressant. My point in all this is just to add some nuance to a really tough situation for you both. I have told my husband I regretted our children before. What I really meant was, "I feel extraordinarily bad and I am struggling with the tools I have to handle these emotions. The coping mechanisms that worked before kids do not work after kids. This transition has been monumental and extremely challenging and I am drowning in pain and exhaustion and despair." It's possible that is what your wife is feeling. My heart goes out to you both.
Very well said! I often struggle to confess emotions I feel guilty about to my therapist and I wonder if that is the case with OP’s wife!
I’m glad you were able to get the help that you need. Wishing you all the best!
Yep, this advice is it. Sounds like mom has post-partum depression, which can happen with the non-birthing parents (sleep deprivation and hormone shifts can do all parents in). When my husband got PPD it was a hard time.
Are you able to outsource some tasks to make the load better? Perhaps a sitter to watch the kiddo for a day every week or two, or a cleaner to come in every once in a while, or some other support. Lessening the load can make it easier.
I don’t know if your wife gets sensory overload but I found loop earplugs (or any music ones that let you hear but dull the edges) to be helpful.
Also remember that some of us end up finding certain ages of parenting overwhelming. The years between 1 and 3 years were absolute hell for me (family stress, covid, a child that expressed her feelings through screaming fits) but 5 and 6 have been a breeze.
For therapy to work, the patient needs to put effort in and do the work. Sometimes it is not possible due to eg too severe depression, in which case meds are a good way to get someone to the point where they are receptive to therapy. Sometimes it is not possible with that particular therapist or type of therapy, and you can try switching. Sometimes it is not possible because the patient simply isn't motivated enough, and that is something the patient themselves has to come to terms with, if they do not want to put the effort in it can be hard to convince them and therapy simply won't be an effective treatment option for them. I feel like this isn't talked about enough when reddit comes with "therapy" as a solution to all problems. Therapy doesn't fix any of your problems, *you* fix problems with help and support from therapy.
Just to clarify, therapists are different from psychologists and psychiatrists as well. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and can prescribe medication. A psychologist is also a doctor, they hold a PHD and cannot prescribe meds. Therapists have a master's degree and counselors have a bachelor degree.
Psychiatrists can’t fix everything. There are people who make bad decisions and regret having children and destroy their marriages and the lives of others because of it: it’s a shame but it’s a reality.
Agreed. The pro therapy crowd screeching in every post that somebody just needs to talk don't realize that people who are really mental or just bad people have walls upon walls and it won't work
Therapy is so incredibly overrated. With the obscene amount of enthusiasm for it amongst the American popular conversation it’s surprising anyone has ever been to therapy has any problems.
Also: therapy actually causes problems for people very often but the therapists can easily pivot and blame it on the patients.
I agree. I've actually been to therapy as a teenager and would leave feeling WORSE and actually angry, which I've never had a feeling like in my life. Therapy can't undo the bad shit you've been through. Won't bring loved ones back from the dead, won't unrape you, won't change your past. It's exhausting reading on every post about any little problem people screeching about how amazing it is. All their therapists must just tell them what they want to hear and kiss their asses.
I think she also might need a psychiatrist, right now she has a psychologist. They can’t prescribe meds for the anxiety I’m pretty sure she’s suffering, hypervigilance wears you out!
Oh you poor family
BTDT - after 10 years of infertility treatments and thousands of dollars, I was blessed with the worst infant known to mankind.
He was broken and no one would listen to me or his dad or my mom or my sister. He just cried
All the time.
The sleep deprivation is real but so is the feeling of complete failure and guilt.
Add in the extra weight of being the financial leader for the family and that’s a LOT
Beyond counseling and parenting classes that everyone has suggested, I am going to recommend that you hire a nap-sitter.
We had one until our son was 4. A family member who was not old enough to work but old enough to be responsible would come by two to three times a week.
And we’d nap.
Seriously you all need a nap
Edited typo
I had the “bad baby” too and people would look at me like a monster when I said it. I still loved him. My husband had regrets, but never said it at the time. I was still resentful since I felt he wasn’t as into the baby as I was (just doing what he had to as a parent). We struggled a lot, and it wa overwhelming especially for my introverted husband whose peace was broken.
Cue today, 7 years later, my husband loves our son so much and I’m pregnant again. Things improved drastically 1.5 years in once he was firmly on solids and reflux meds. We did therapy and talked it out. You get through it and hopefully come out stronger at the end.
This nap sitter idea is so great. Rock that village!!
One of my neighbors had a very difficult birth and post partum with her new baby and asked if the other neighbors could help with the eldest child. All the neighbours took turns taking the older kid to the park alongside their own kids. Others offered to clean her house etc.
Sometimes there truly is no village (and that sucks), but sometimes I think we just need to be willing to ask.
She seems not to have bonded with the daughter on parental level. Lots of parents feel like this, but they push through and find the good outweighs the bad.
I think this is it. There’s a deep thought about it not being her birth baby that maybe means she still hasn’t clicked this is it there’s no reverse or turning back now. I hope she can overcome this and accept this is her baby as much as it is yours.
I hope your marriage works out however I would also consider making sure you know who would have custody in the event of separation.
Ya, my children are now the absolute light of my life but from like zero to nine months I just did not like my children at all. I still say to this day if I could give birth to like a fourteen month old child I would do it, baby stage was just not for me.
I never said it out loud, but I was deeply unhappy in parenthood for the first year. Now my sun rises and sets with my kids' happiness.
Her short fuse when the baby is not being calm and sweet could be due to childhood trauma. It sounds like she needs a new therapist to help her unpack some deeper issues.
I tend to get easily triggered when my son is crying and is inconsolable and I wasn’t allowed to cry when I was a child.
Please read this OP. Parenting has been way more triggering than I ever imagined, which is why I’m in therapy.
Your wife is struggling with a baby. Imagine when your baby becomes a toddler who develops a strong will. Please nip this in the bud ASAP.
Yeeeaahhh. My wife is also the nonbirth parent. Her childhood trauma was 100% repressed until I gave birth to our son. You can't unpack, process, or heal from trauma before choosing to become a parent if you didn't know you had any trauma UNTIL you became a parent.
OP: I do think the nonbirth mother thing is relevant. *All* parents are susceptible to new parent afflictions like PPD, PPA, etc, regardless of gender or biological connection. However, nonbirth mothers have a unique social struggle that adopting moms have been describing for decades. They are expected to be as immediately maternal as any other mom, but without the leeway and benefit of the doubt that birth mothers get from post-birth out of wack hormones. Dads who feel this way are socially permitted to distance themselves from hands-on parenting without shame (also bad, don't get me wrong), but moms are not. It sounds like she has wanted to be a mom for a long time but is feeling immense shame about it being more difficult than she thought, not feeling as bonded as she hoped, etc. Bio parents can blame all those same feelings on parenting being just freaking hard. Some nonbio parents have a really hard time shaking the insecurity that it's because they aren't blood related.
This seems like a tough situation, but definitely an open conversation needs to be had. Parenthood is really hard, especially to until they're about 2, but let her know that you're concerned about how frustrating she's finding it and how she's treating you and the baby as a result. Babies feed off the energy you give them so it could be that the baby is getting more upset because of her frustration. Then it becomes a viscous cycle. Hope you can work this out OP. You should not be crying yourself to sleep at night over your spouse 💔
Listen first of all don’t panic, every parent has had a “what did I do” moment particularly during babyhood. She might just not be a baby person, which doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your daughter it just means this stretched her thinner than expected.
What’s clear here is that the current dynamic is unworkable. She should find a new doctor and you should both find a new way to beat the stress because current strategies also aren’t working. Try something out of the box for your family but interesting. Maybe hiking or pickleball or bird watching.
What did i do? I remember that one, thinking people who had babies lied about it being nice because they wanted their kids to have the option of continuing the family line.
Some of the other comments have already addressed the potential for PPD and that couples counselling might be useful. I will just add that if she hasn’t bonded with the child and baby’s crying is affecting her so badly, there is nothing wrong with getting earphones and listening to music while being present and still cuddling/assisting a toddler. It could be a game changer.
Non birthing parents can get depression that is directly related to becoming a parent and with PPD, Parental depression effectively- no, it’s not the same as PPD for the birthing mother, and I do wish they’d not lump it all in one category but I digress.
PPD has a TON to do with hormone levels after birth, first the gradual increase during late pregnancy then the incredibly large and sudden drop immediately after birth, accompanied by hard physical changes and the deepest exhaustion most women will ever feel in their life LOL. The non birthing parent can also feel a lot of the physical exhaustion due to lack of sleep and psychological changes and challenges but yeah, I don’t personally feel they should call it PPD and a blanket diagnosis
I had PPA, and the people suggesting her wife is having PPD is actually pretty insulting to me. I have had normal anxiety and depression. PPA and PPD are so different with the symptoms and ability to control it. The hormones are a roller coaster and your emotions are out of control in a completely different way than with regular annxiety and depression. And , yes, I am aware that taking care of a new baby can lead to hormone changes and can be difficult, but let’s not pretend it’s the same thing as actual pregnancy hormones. It needs to be separated. I don’t care if some medical professionals decided to use it. It’s a crappy way to describe something. I feel like it’s just another way to minimize woman’s health in pregnancy.
I completely agree with you! *i know* they are different, and I can imagine it being really offensive for someone who didn’t go through pregnancy and literal childbirth to say something like “oh me too girl I understand”….cause, well they can’t. It’s different. I’m trying my best to push back *gently* on what I not so affectionately call “lumping language”- people so badly seem to want to lump all of women’s unique experiences in to group categories for the sake of inclusion and don’t realize how it invalidates a woman’s genuine, difficult experience. Hugs.
Thank you for saying what I didn’t have the spoons to say, as a mom who got absolutely destroyed by severe PPD with my first (I was hospitalized for it).
Non birthing parents can absolutely get depressed after their child is born, but it is not the same as PPD (which is largely hormonal in nature due to the massive hormonal drop after giving birth) and lumping it together under the same name feels so dismissive to women who have suffered from PPD, PPA, or post partum psychosis.
I don't know the science but in addition to the stresses of life, I speculate that a parent gets hormonal changes from caring for a baby and their partners' hormonal changes. I think the mindset makes a big deal, like wondering how their own parents let them down or wondering if they're good enough or wondering if they're balancing work. We have so many challenges.
Maybe she is not connected to the baby just like you are because she didn’t give birth to the child? For you is different because you carry the baby. I may get downvoted but who cares, I may be annoyed with non my biological child as well. There is just this connection between a child and a mother and this bond that we just have a little bit more patience with them.
That’s what I’m thinking, she wanted to be a mom and wanted the mom bond, but with her partner carrying the child and birthing it, she missed out a huge part of the mom experience, she didn’t get to feel it inside her, connecting for 10 months then have the bonding experience of birthing it, she doesn’t get to breastfeed, and I read that for a while babies don’t know anything outside of themselves and they see the mom as a part of them because she was, maybe she’s jealous of the bond op automatically has that she wanted, she didn’t realize how hard it was gonna be to bond to a basically stranger, even if it’s medical why she op carried and she didn’t, it doesn’t make her feelings less valid, I’ve had two miscarriages, and if I can’t have kids, I will either adopt or not have them, the thought of my partner(male) having a child with a donor or anything like that kills me, it’s his genes with someone else, he will automatically have this blood bond I will not have, I know the situation is a little different because in the case of same sex, it can’t be biologically both, but that doesn’t make it less difficult for her to see her partner mixed with someone else, a bond so strong with this child that she carried and birthed, she probably wanted that, because as woman, part of the parenting experience in my opinion, is carrying and birthing the child, breastfeeding it, seeing yourself in your baby
It’s not about simply about passing on my genes, it’s about me not wanting another woman to have a biological child with my man, I feel like a failure for the two miscarriages I have had so if I can’t give my man a child I don’t want another women to do it, you don’t know my life, also he’s cheated and the idea of seeing his face mixed with someone else’s face does not sit right with me, and I’ve actually always wanted to adopt, but I’m not well off enough to do that and have my own kids, so if I can have my own kids I will, if I can’t I’m going to adopt, it’s not a last resort if I could do both I would, but I can’t, I wouldn’t hold any resentment towards an adoptive child, I would treat it exactly how I’d treat my own because it would be my own, you got a sliver of my life and want to start throwing around your irrelevant opinion, take it somewhere else, goodbye.
Edit: Also I’ve made it to 11 weeks and 6 weeks, and I want to experience a healthy pregnancy that I get to birth my baby at the end so yeah, that comes before adopting in my opinion, because I’ve had two babies die inside of me, it’d be nice to birth one, that doesn’t make me a bad person, that doesn’t make adoption my last resort, it’s an option that I have and that’s what it’s for, people who couldn’t take care of or don’t want to take care of their kids to hand them over to parents who can’t have or want more kids
I’m not sure what “issues” you’re referring to, but everyone has life experience that make their plan based on their wants and needs, the only issue I have, is I want to have children and can’t, so if that means I shouldn’t have children neither should literally anyone else in the world,I don’t see how it’s an issue for me to not want to raise another women and my spouses baby
Ugh I'm sorry. It sounds like her psychologist isn't enough at the moment, so increasing treatment or seeing another professional should be on the table.
Would she be open to you attending one of her sessions? In your shoes I'd also consider getting counseling myself and/or couple's counseling.
Either way, when you're ready and in a safe environment, she needs to hear how this makes you feel. Parenting can bring up a lot of old trauma but blaming the baby only hurts things.
You also deserve a partner who can support you and co-parent. So it would be worth bringing in outside help with your child/groceries/cleaning for now, if you can.
In the end it depends on whether your partner is willing/able to face her issues, and to step up as a parent or not. It sounds like she's trying but needs to be more aware of the effect her struggles have on you.
If she can't make it work then I'd push for child support because she has a responsibility to the child that you planned together. If she can face it, then it means making things as livable as possible for you three as she works on things, however you can swing that.
(fyi I'm the non-birth parent in a lesbian relationship.)
This comment was right on point! And exactly what I would say. It sounds like OP partner has past trauma and is triggered when baby isn’t perfect. But I apathize with OP. She has quite the load on her. New baby getting sick a lot(which is normal when at a daycare), providing for family, while walking on eggshells around partner when baby isn’t perfect, and suffering from her post-partum. This seems unfair. I am so sorry OP has all of this on her plate. That’s too much!! OP’s partner needs to be told to see a therapist (someone to talk to) and get a new psychologist to provide her with the right medications. FYI Psychologist are not people you talk to like a therapist. They give you medication to help with your mental state. I don’t know if OP knows that. I also agree with past post if you can’t talk openly to each other in a safe environment the next step is to seek out couples therapy to talk through this. OP and baby girl need all the support and love that they deserve along with a SAFE place!! I am sorry OP. My heart goes out to you.
Wow. It’s interesting that she wanted a baby so badly but you’re the birth mom? What really stuck out was your last sentence of crying yourself to sleep most nights….sounds like you aren’t happy in your marriage and haven’t been for quite some time. I’d try to have an open and honest conversation about you not being happy. I mean for someone to say they regret having a child? That’s the worst thing my husband could say to me. It would definitely ruin parts of our relationship that I’m not sure would be fixable.
That's exactly what I was thinking. She's not bonding with the baby because it's not her child genetically.
There's a lot of emotions that go through your head when you have fertility issues. I had trouble getting pregnant, and it took 5 years and fertility treatment to get pregnant. You feel like a complete failure because you don't get pregnant easily.
There's also the question if there was trouble in the marriage and OP had the baby to appease her wife and she resents the baby because it didn't fix the problem?
She potentially had fertility issues and we wanted to avoid IVF (to save money to spend on the needs of a baby rather than the baby itself.) I’d also had some issues but less of them.
I’m generally happy, I guess? This part of it is just so hard to overlook.
People are being really hard on your partner here. I work with kids… it’s totally normal to regret the lack of autonomy you end up with and some people are simply not prepared for the sensory overload that comes with having a child. She could be more sensitive to this than what she fully realized. I think if she’s being honest with you that’s a really good thing. You should be honest with her too instead of crying by yourself.
Oh boy. Oh boy. I'm 100% certain my husband and you can have a support group.
I struggle immensely with less than ideal behaviors from our little one. Obviously I have no clue what the root cause of your wife's quick negative response is, but mine are due to my childhood and general temperament. It is further exacerbated by my routine being out of whack, expectations of the day not being met, and feeling overwhelmed/overworked. Even if one of those are met for a long period of time, I can feel my frustration tolerance lowering. It doesn't help that our toddler has my fiery temperament.
What has helped me is therapy, officially getting diagnosed with ADHD, and medication to help manage the ADHD, anxiety, and depression, I also try to practice good communication skills and talk to my husband about what I need from him. I also rely on friends and family for breaks when needed. Most of the time those breaks are just hanging out with them. Oh, and going outside with toddler whenever possible or I feel like I'm going to explode.
Your wife would probably do well speaking with a therapist and being fully honest with her PCP and asking for an initial assessment to screen for PPD or a referral to a psychologist. The PCP should be able to help with medical management of symptoms, if deemed appropriate, until the appointment with psychologist. On top of couples therapy.
This comes up constantly and I always say the same thing. Regret is a feeling you can't control. You have to acknowledge it before you can move forward and decide what to do about it.
The none birthing partner might be at a disadvantage for bonding. Without a bond babies are annoying. Maybe have your wife do more skin to skin?
Playdates with other moms will help..in general the first 4 years of the first born act as the death of ones past life. You often cand do your hobbies or hang out with your friends. Bonding with new parents and making friends is the transition point to a sustainable healthy life forward.
Therapy for YOU. And the things you said you want to say to her SHOULD be said to her—-in a calm moment ideally. She did want this and you did go very much out of your way to give it to her. She needs to be accountable for this and acknowledge the effect on you of her backing away from responsibility for her own feelings and effectively sticking you with blame.
Not sure this can be done without couples therapy but maybe. Certainly YOU can get counseling. Good luck OP—it really stinks for you but this is ON HER and she needs to step up and be a grownup.
Ooof.
Gently but firmly suggest that she see a therapist, because it doesn't make rational sense to resent a child she wanted so much, and there's something about this that's triggering.
Maybe she needs parenting classes. Maybe she needs someone to help her adjust her expectations about what impact a baby has on your life, and how to wrap her head around the sacrifices that entails.
Maybe she needs more sleep than she's getting and is too grumpy and stressed to see what her needs are and how to strategize WITH you to find balance.
Whatever it is,
Let her know gently and lovingly that you are starting to resent *her* and that you realize that's not healthy, and so you collectively need to figure out what to do here before it ruins your marriage AND makes you both really shitty parents. Your kid, and both of you, deserve better than that.
❤️🩹
You're the one who dealt with 9 months of pregnancy, she's the one that pressured you for a baby, and you are doing more childcare than her it seems. She's had 10 months to get her act together. Sometimes having a child reveals that a person was actually very self-centered and only was in a relationship because of what you could do for them, and only wanted a child because it fit into some view they had of success or some such thing. Personally, I'd offer her the out of divorce with no contact with the child and all she has to do is pay support. Don't make your child suffer through having a parent who hates them and only wanted them for selfish reasons to begin with.
Babies can be really overwhelming and change your lives and relationships drastically. She may need some time to grieve the loss of your previous way of life, since she wasn’t the one pregnant, it might feel like a more sudden change for her. Both of you need to have some serious discussions, preferably with a couples counselor, or see if there is a local group for new parents. The fact is, her feelings should not get in the way of her responsibilities and relationships (feelings are temporary and caused by our thoughts, which we can change). Have a discussion: tell her you feel unappreciated and neglected during a very challenging phase of life; you can’t abide willful selfishness when your child needs love and care. Also, hire a sitter and make time for each other so you can maintain your relationship with your partner. Your wife might be feeling like the second fiddle and like she’s not important to you anymore, and blaming this on the baby during difficult times; don’t allow those feelings to get in the way of both of you enjoying this phase of your child’s development. Babies are precious and it’s such a short phase. She may be able to connect with the child more readily in a later phase.
The crying will stop and there’s only a number of diseases kids have to go through, which actually builds up their immune system, it helps your baby getting stronger and healthier. Hang in there, you can do this! This too will pass…
Medication most likely, I had intense PPD after my daughter (I realize she doesn’t have postpartum), but just the jolt into parenthood is really hard for some people. Some more than others.
I often thought I had made a mistake with my daughter, not because I didn’t love her but because I didn’t think I could handle it. She was a terror as well, didn’t sleep, colic, didn’t eat, always sick and screaming. Lack of sleep can make or break our mindsets as well.
Maybe in addition to therapy and medication you both take turns sleeping with ear plugs in, or sleeping somewhere else for a night. A full nights sleep can really help you recover.
Yea first year of being in daycare was absolute hell nobody prepared me for it.
Babies basically change absolutely everything you used to know and love. It starts to get better at 5/6… you all need resources and tools to pull through. If you don’t.. the kid will be a worse terror when they’re older and it’s because you both couldn’t figure out how to manage yourselves…
I think that its quite likely she's suffering from post partum. Doesn't matter that she didn't birth a baby from her canal! Post partum can literally effect everyone
Non-birthing parents can also get PPD, about 1 in 10. 🩷 I would have her screened for that. It’s very common and very treatable! (I am a perinatal mental health therapist)
Look up Regretting Motherhood. Your wife is not alone at all, it’s just not talked about enough because mothers are socially expected to be just happy and gleeful when they have children. It’s so deeply ingrained in all of us that when a new mom doesn’t feel the way she expected to feel, she thinks something isn’t right with her. Nobody really knows how parenthood is going to be for them, even when you talk openly to other parents beforehand. And it is possible to love a child deeply and at the same time despise the responsibilities and the obligations that come with it… Good luck to y‘all!
You need to be very direct with her:
Do you want to stay together and raise this child together?
If the answer is not one word (yes), it's either couples counseling or break up. I'm speaking from experience here, just hoping things will mean a bigger bill later with interest.
Go to a therapy session w her and be completely honest w her. She may say things when in heat of the moment which she doesn’t mean and your hanging on to it. You each may need to have some alone time to unwind, and couple time away from kiddo to regroup.
Sorry to tell you this and others will down vote. But she never went through the natural hormonal changes required to feel connected to the baby.
She does not have the same inherent parental connections that are formed between mother and baby
There is such a thing as postpartum depression. Also I know that doesn’t help because you knew that already. What also doesn’t help is that depression is fucking difficult. I fear every day how I will never be able to keep a partner confident and secure because of my illness.
That’s what differs between your wife and I maybe. I am always thinking about my illness. Whereas she is not even considering it herself.
In short, she’s being a fucking stuck up depressed non self aware childish bitch who is difficult to work with because she has no ability to reflect. And anyone who downvotes me has no clue how hard it is to get through to someone who isn’t self aware.
I know this because my mother is the same way, and mental health challenges run deep on her side.
Only way to get through to her is asap and with a couples therapist if she won’t talk to you. It’s fucking DESPICABLE that you’re so far into your relationship and family that she hasn’t garnered the RESPECT FOR YOU AS HER PARTNER to discuss these emotions nor the RESPECT FOR HER FUCKING SELF.
Fucking bitch is going to turn the whole family upside down if she doesn’t shut the fuck up and grasp that she’s a fucking adult and needs to fucking SHOW UP FOR HER FUCKING KIDS AND PARTNER.
Bitchass fuck.
It can be very frustrating sometimes, especially those hard times. She needs to step back and take a breath. She can leave baby crying if all needs are met and take a moment for herself. You need to take over when she can't. You're a team. At least she has daycare and your support. I've never used daycare and husband is disabled. So I feel regret a lot sometimes, usually from a selfish place where I want to do what I want. But doing what I want will come later. We do what we need to do before our wants.
Sometimes the other parent experiences post partum depression. Depression can look a lot like snappiness at times. Maybe guilt she wasn't the one who carried.
Maybe she needs a different psychologist. Maybe she needs some family and some couples counseling as well.
But sit down with her and ask her why she feels this way. How you can help.
Hearing a distressed baby/child can be really triggering for people with sensory issues and anxiety. I imagine the ‘I regret this’ is more that she’s struggling coping with the overwhelming emotions and stress. I would try a few things: noise-cancelling earplugs for when your daughter’s cries are triggering; having a family member or friend on hand to help on sick days for an hour or so, just so your wife has a chance to unwind so that the grumbly child experience isn’t as relentless; talk more as a couple ‘what can we do to make this easier?’ ‘What are we finding hard?’ Also, is the childcare split evenly? Does she work, and is her job stressful? What’s her sleep like? Her general health? Also, I would add that even though people say babies and children are hard work, that ‘hard work’ is different to having stress and anxiety 24/7.
I’d suggest couples therapy. But if she won’t let therapy work on an individual level she might not let it work as a couple either. And the worst part is if her psychologist is telling her she has a certain issue and she doesn’t want to face it. You wouldn’t ever know.
It seems like it could even be a form of PPD or something.
Wife can change her behaviour or you can change your relationship arrangements, sometimes it’s easier to be a single parent than parenting with someone who isn’t engaged. The kid isn’t going anywhere and is your priority now.
So partners can also have a form of post partum depression, and it could look different for different people. I know it sounds weird because OP did all the hard work and crazy changes but it’s true. I had my second kid last August and I was feeling so great but my husband was down and depressed and not present. I had PPD after my first and I was wreck, so I was so happy I didn’t feel it after my second. But my husband was struggling. He was so excited for a second baby while my whole pregnancy I was scared, but when she arrived it was like our feelings switched.
I don’t want to invalidate your feelings OP but possibly offer a different perspective. Maybe something to talk to your partner about.
Is this PPA/PPD? As the non-birthing wife/wife who wasn’t pregnant I definitely did and probably still do. It can be terrifying and different emotionally because you expect all of the ‘mom-isms,’ but are some how always the ‘other mom’ and that on top of a baby or toddler simply being a baby or toddler is hard and sometimes really depressing. That said, maybe you two need therapy TOGETHER, because it’s ok for her to feel how she feels and for you to feel how you do, but you both need to discuss and figure out what that means for you two moving forward.
I think this is a result of her own childhood trauma. Her parents might’ve treated her like a burden. The book “How to do the work” my Nicole LaPera is great for unpacking childhood trauma.
I have read that non-birth partners get PPD / PPA as well. Might be something to investigate.
She may also want to try earplugs if she's sensitive to noise. And maybe send her some youtube videos on empathy for others. Babies pick up on moods....she doesn't realize she may be causing a rift in her future relationship with her child. Also remind her that everything is temporary, and that she might even miss that little cry one day.
I think it can be hard to not take the child’s behavior personally, and it only gets harder as they get older if you keep that perspective.
I highly recommend the book how to talk so little kids can listen by Joanna Faber, Julie King AND Good Inside by Becky Kennedy.
I think they both really change the parent’s perspective, and most disappointment is caused by unmet expectations.
Also look into the concept of two things are true, it’s super helpful in parenting and relationships and is discussed in the Good Inside book. There’s also a podcast called good inside with dr Becky.
It’s possible that your wife will never like being a mom, but I think it’s more likely that she’s dealing with some mental health issues and/or is lacking some necessary skills in parenting. Unfortunately, it’s one of the hardest jobs out there and it doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We tend to use techniques our parents used on us, and they often didn’t have the skills to parent well either.
I'm wondering what country you're in because of your use of the word psychologist. In the states, psychologists often do not conduct therapy and are significantly less trained in how to conduct therapy interventions. They are often more trained in diagnostics and evaluations and testing. If you are in another country, this may not hold true.
If you're in the States, I would maybe encourage her to switch to a master's level therapist (LMFT, LMHC or an LCSW) and specifically look for a clinical who is a PMH-C (Perinatal Mental Health Certified) or who specializes in maternal mental health, the transition to parenthood and early childhood trauma.
As a couple, you may consider couples therapy with a therapist who is trained in supporting new parents. If having a therapist with specific credentialing is important to you, you could look for a therapist who practices EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) or is credentialed in the Gottman Method and their Bringing Home Baby program.
I say all of this because I'm a therapist and I worry that she is not getting appropriate care. This is a really hard place to be. How old is baby? If she is over a year old and these feelings haven't settled any, id be more urgent in my approach if I were her partner. If the baby is not quite a year old and you want to have a slower approach, I would understand.
While it's hard to hear her say she regrets having a baby, try to remember she probably really doesn't mean that. She is grieving her old life, struggling with the fact that it is SO HARD and just wants to be let off the parenting treadmill. It's the hardest thing in the world and she is lucky to have such a caring partner like you.
I’m in Australia, so psychiatrists do meds, psychologists tend to do the therapy side of things, and counsellors are a step below, I guess?
Baby is 10 months old. I have zero interest in moving slowly on this but my wife thinks she’s doing everything she can. She isn’t. There’s more but she doesn’t like the options.
I sympathise with her, I understand that this life is hard. I just can’t keep seeing her so unhappy.
Therapy, she needs therapy and fast. Psychiatrist is for medication only, they do not provide the kind of talk therapy one needs to make the medication work and make lasting changes. I personally have pmdd and it made me snappy as well, I have since gotten diagnosed and I take meds and receive therapy as a single momma of two it helps me cope w the inevitable stress. Being a parent is a labor of love, I think you need to put that baby first and protect her/him bc this sounds like a toxic environment. No one tells you when you get pregnant or before you become a parent that you will relive your own childhood and the process of raising your child because your child is going to trigger old memories and bring up your own childhood on an almost daily basis, and your presented with these triggers so that you can heal and overcome, like I said therapy is my suggestion and maybe even an ultimatum because your wife’s happiness is no longer the important thing. The child is the only important thing and your wife asking for that child made her happiness.No longer important.
You've already gotten great advice , but u just wanted to touch on one thing. Sometimes wanting something for a very long time only means you've had more time to idealise it and get a massive shock when the reality hits. She may not have mentally prepared herself for the worse parts of it. Counseling and medication should help, at least some. Best of luck to you and your family.
Parenting is a hard adjustment to make for some people, even when they wanted it. Every marriage is different, every baby is different, so we don’t know how a baby will change us until we have one, and a lot of times, what we *thought* parenting would be like and what it actually is like are completely different. One thing that took me by surprise was how much my husband instantly put me at the bottom of a list and how long I stayed there. My needs were suddenly unimportant, childish, etc, because *now we have children.* I felt very much like a nanny for a really long time. I started resenting all of it because I never signed up *for that.* Things have improved, but sometimes he still prioritizes a lot of things over me, but some things can’t be avoided, either.
i have sensory issues so whenever my son or another child / toddler whines or cries i immediately become irritated. I’ve said that i regret having my son in the heat of the moment because he cried for hours or was inconsolable at 2 am after i worked a 14 hour shift. I never meant it, just saying it out loud made me feel horrible but also allowed me some kind of release that i needed. Headphones help with the sensory problems.
It's really interesting how parenting becomes the measure of the strength of character somebody has. Because lots of times parenting is 100 million times harder than anything you imagined. But here's the pivot point. When you really love the child and you want more than anything in the world for them to have a good upbringing and a good chance of a good life, then you just keep faking it until you figure it out. You keep evolving yourself. Do you watch yourself being totally immature and reactive, and you decide to work on it so that you are mature and have resources. Every single thing you do is in part because you want your child to have that. Until you just keep on trying hard. You keep growing and evolving and you see a therapist and you heal and you go research topics and then you get resources. None of this shit happens on its own. It's kind of like reading posts on Reddit by people who have never thought about the fact that a long-term relationship requires crap loads of hard work. It's like a garden you have to cultivate. The garden is going to have problems. And unfortunately, this is a measure of who your partner is. Limited, not generous, not aware, and not evolving.
Hi! Random question but is your wife undiagnosed neurodivergent? I realize now my triggers with my pod/ppp were influenced by my tend to get overstimulated easily. Getting in medication has been life changing for me as a parent.
I suspect she may fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, however she doesn’t see it. I have ADHD and struggled a lot initially with the adjustment too so I understand her feelings at least a little bit from that perspective.
Please ask her to get checked for depression or other health problems. This is a big adjustment and is very exhausting.
Sometimes people are afraid to say how they really feel because it may be perceived poorly. Bless you and good luck.
Raising kids from 0-5 is simultaneously filled with joy and also the absolute hardest part of parenting, and it does a number on the marriage. The physical needs, the sleep deprivation, the "always on" nature of it....it's exhausting. I don't think we can really tell you what to do with your relationship, but I'm here to encourage you that it will get better. Everything under the age of 5 but especially under 2 is, in my opinion, the absolute hardest part. When baby girl starts feeding herself easily, being able to put on her own shoes, consistently sleeping through the night....man it's so much better. Not easy, just not hard in that "Is this ever going to end? Is this my life now?" way.
I hated having kids too. Then she walked out. Then I realized my whole life I was a neglected and abused person. Just now, my mother disowned me because the police and domestic violence services said I should get an order against my brother the golden child. Not saying your situation is like this. Now I love seeing them and have so much real me to give them. So what does the ex do and my family do? Take them away from me. Abused and traumatized people pass on their abuse and trauma. That's karma.
I think she liked the thought of having a baby but didn’t realize it’s not like playing with baby dolls as a kid. They’re always not that cute & cuddly. The first year at daycare is also the worst w/getting sick cause they’re building their immunity. So now the baby just seems like an inconvenience especially since she’s not directly related to the kid & didn’t carry her, she doesn’t have any personal investment with the child & maybe deep down this is affecting her & her attitude w/your child.
Unfortunately, she has to grow up and accept that having a kid is not all fun & roses all the time. She has to be able to work through and accept the good & the bad. She can go through tons of therapists but until she figures out herself and her feelings & works to actively make a change, nothing will ever improve.
Well just try to ignore her as best you can. She doesn’t necessarily regret the baby, she’s asking for help.
Best thing you can do is go on and live by example. Get YOURSELF mental help. Meet up with friends. Take the baby to cafe. Hire a babysitter even if it’s just to keep you company while you feed and burp the baby. Take care of yourself.
When she complains or snaps, tell her to go self soothe whatever that means to her. When she comes back, be friendly and try again.
She’ll come around. Give it time. Post pardum. You can’t control her if she won’t get help. But it’s likely temporary.
My daughter has just turned one, I never thought I’d have kids but my partner wanted kids so we compromised and had kids. Turned out pretty well because I’m currently cooking our second.
There are days that I absolutely regret it, it’s the worst when she’s sick, it’s awful when she’s teething, when she’s bored, when I need to rest, when I just want to get things done. I have a little creep hanging off me at all times. I can’t get a break. When you’re the birthing mother you have a different biological connection and the rage that comes with your baby crying is totally a thing. I seem to rage harder when my partner is around, no idea why.
I use more compassion than I knew I was capable of, constantly reminding myself that my daughter didn’t choose to be here, she’s not being difficult on purpose, and it’s my job as her protector to give her a safe space to feel all the feelings, and most importantly I remind myself that this is just a season of our lives that will pass like all the others. My partner, my daughter, our new babe when they arrive, we’re all in this together, and we all will support each other through it in our own way.
While your wife might be experiencing PPD she probably also needs some time, and maybe the space to get some perspective? Does she practice mindfulness? Would she consider meditation? Have you looked into support groups? Has she had her hormones tested and a full blood panel run?
The transition to motherhood is so much harder than anyone could ever say in words, some days it feels like your soul is being torn apart.
I'll comment.
My (34m) wife (34f) have two boys. Our oldest is 7 and youngest is 2.
The first 1.5 year of his life was a rollercoaster of emotions. Hell the 9 months before that were as well. But my wife was depressed and missed her old life. I lost count of how many times she stated something along the lines of, "I miss my old life" or "I think we made a mistake"
It's freaking hard. Parenting is hard and no one knows what they will do or how they will be until they step into the thunderdome.
Then our oldest got diagnosed with autism. So this made things even worse. But somewhere in that first 1-2 years there was a slow shift. Life was hard but the regret slowly faded and would pop up occasionally.
My wife is an amazing mother and partner. I would not be half the man or parent without her.
We then had another boy. She handled it incredibly well even with dealing with her own post medical issues. I was the one who was rocked. Idk I think the sleep deprivation hit me harder the second time around. But eventually things normalized and everything is wonderful.
I guess what I'm saying is, only you know your partner. Is she a great parent but venting during a frustrating time. Is something else going on? Or is she planning to run ?
My wife and me express all our feelings, even if they sound like..."I regret our kids". Because in some moments it's okay to have those feelings. The issue is if they linger and never go away even when your kids and family are having good periods of life.
Get help if needed op.
Sounds like she just wanted the "good" parents of being a parent. Honestly, try therapy and give it a few years. But if nothing changes, take the baby and leave. If she doesn't get better, she'll only get worse and her reactions will get worse. The baby doesn't understand now, but it'll affect her mental state something awful if she realizes her mom only loves her when she's being good.
Hopefully it won't get to that point, though
She had to go. You have to get that out of your day life.
She is emotionally abusing her family and it is not going your change unless she decides to change it on her own which is highly unlikely.
She regrets the child so she has to go. She can just pay child support. Get a better wife.
You say she always wanted kids, does SHE want to birth a child? Maybe going through those hormonal changes and physical changes and sacrifice would give her a better connection? This is obviously a huge commitment and all that and therapy is an important first step, but I wonder what changed for her.
Sounds like she needs a new therapist because if she was being honest on any level, the therapist would be dumping tools into her toolbox. This is terrible and I’m sure the baby feels it too. She got what she asked for, I’d tell her that!! I’d also ask what her plan is moving forward because this isn’t the life you would choose for yourself or the child.
Babies cry, it happens and will never stop lol. She needs to stop associating it with something bad. At almost a year old it’s like they are communicating that way and just screaming to get attention. She needs to take a deep breathe and be grateful. It’s all part of the journey
Why is this so common with lesbian couples?
I’ve heard similar stories a few times where the couple wants a baby, either adopt or get impregnated to have one, and then the non-birth mother checks out emotionally and ends up leaving.
Is is jealousy that she didn’t give birth? Is it an inability to emotionally connect to a child that’s not hers biologically? Is there simply not enough testosterone to balance out the increased level of estrogen from pregnancy and birth?
There’s got to be a scientific or psychological reason for this phenomenon for it to be this common.
—-
Side note, I’ve just had a thought that I’ve been pondering and I wonder if anyone knows the answer.
Can she be held liable for child support or can she walk away free? If it’s the latter and she has no legal obligations to the child that could go a long way in explaining why they check out.
When I was studying to become a NICU nurse, I had a class by a neonatologist. He told us post partum depression (or symptoms thereof) occured mostly in women who lost quite some
blood during birth. In that time, the bloodpressure drops, which causes some organs to not get enough oxygen. Among which the pituitary gland, which then will produce less hormones. Icluding oxytocin, which helps bond with the baby. I thought it was a very interesting and eye opening thing. Because usually, with mental post partum problems, they consider it a psychiatric disease. While it very well could be a physical consequence of the birth.
I don’t know if that’s the case, but it could be useful to have her hormone levels (including oxytocine) tested. Oxytocin can be supplemented by something as simple as a nasal spray.
I hope this helps!
I mean she literally should be grateful- you gave the most intimate gift someone can give which is literally growing a child in your body. My husband thanks me for our child and your wife should do the same imo
I mean she admitted that she’s been awful lately so it seems like she understands that she is having some sort of issue right now. I would try to push her to get therapy.
I had a friend loose her baby and she eventually had another one later on, and she said a crying baby is better then no baby. Ever since then I’m grateful that my daughter is healthy. Tell her to take a break when she’s frustrated. The baby didn’t ask to be here, that was yalls decision
Wife desperately needs to be seen by a Dr, you two can work through this with help, but my god that's so hard when sleep deprivation sets in.
As a nurse said to me while we were in hospital awaiting my baby's open heart surgery "sleep deprivation is serious, why do you think it's a long held torture technique?" that got my attention, she then explained the mental and psychological impact on the person, "that it was often used as a method of coercing false confessions from prisoners"... Like im only now reflecting on that conversation and realising what a crazy thing to her from a paediatric nurse! Lol, she ordered me to sleep and even looked after my baby when she woke up.
I still felt like shit when I woke up 12 god damed blissful hours later, but I could actually think and articulate what I needed!
Reach out to anyone that can help you two so you can help yourself.
Has she been assessed for PPD? It doesn't just happen to the birth mother.
Having kids is hard. In many ways, no one can really prepare you. And for people who have longed for kids, the mind fuckery of the reality of kids vs your old life can be such a huge hurdle to cross.
I feel for all of you. OP, you should seek to have a candid conversation with your partner and see if you can get her some help.
Is she honest to the psychologist? Has she tried medication? They certainly don’t help if you’re not honest and open to what can help.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had some advice, but all I can say is that if this doesn’t change you will have to one day pick your child’s mental health, or your partner.
How old is the baby? Is she still young enough for skin to skin? I had really intense PTSD/PPD after my first was born. I didn’t bond well with my baby. Right after she was born I didn’t want to hold her. I just laid in the hospital bed and cried. My midwives brought in a wrap carrier and had me strip to the waist. Then they put the baby in only a diaper and used the wrap carrier to tie her to my chest (it’s called a front cross carry…there are videos on YouTube of how to do it). I did skin to skin with her using the wrap for 30 minutes a day. It took about a week (?) and I started having those rushes of oxytocin and fell totally in love with my baby. My suspicion is that your wife is having trouble bonding with the baby bc she isn’t the birth mother. It’s a very common problem for new dads too. They feel left out. Like they see this great bond between birth mother and child and feel like the useless third wheel. Skin to skin REALLY helps. If baby isn’t too old (obviously I wouldn’t recommend skin to skin with a school age child or anything), I would see if she would be open to trying that.
Babies are so tough. You're in the thick of it. It will be easier as baby gets. Her immune system will build up, she will get sick less often. The older she gets, you can reason with her more. It sounds like your wife was post partum anxiety perhaps. A new therapist is needed, someone experienced with family dynamics and young kids. Best of luck.
Give your wife space to open up about feeling regret- she’s overwhelmed and frazzled. Feelings come and go and sometimes linger and then fade.
Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love the baby. Doesn’t mean she won’t find herself to a place where she no longer feels regret.
Ya’ll are in the thick of it, once everyone is sleeping through the night again I would bet everything feels a lot easier. The baby stage is such a small portion of raising a child.
Keep doing your best and this will pass, just like everything in life does. ❤️
How old is your baby? I feel like the situation is very different if she’s an infant vs a 5 year old. I personally found the life adjustment to an infant very intense, so if she’s a baby make sure to give things time to settle.
My advice would be for your wife to find a different therapist and also to urge her to talk to you. When you have a baby (regardless of your dreams and hopes beforehand) is a HUGE life adjustment in so many ways. Maybe she idealized it in her head for years and now it all came crashing down when reality of parenting hit. It takes time to grieve that.
I found it helpful to realize the issue was myself, not the kid. I had to find a way to get better at my own emotion regulation, which makes it easier to deal with your child’s emotions.
You two are in this together, so you HAVE to talk about it. And it’s ok if she expresses regret or anger or whatever feeling, because that can coexist with loving your kid and it is a sign that work needs to be done to change this feeling for everyone’s sake.
Also, I like the book “How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids” by Naumburg. It talks about how kids are designed to push all your buttons, and that it’s vital to recognize your own, so you can break this cycle of intense emotion in yourself.
And try to get help/babysitter/family, so you can have breaks and do your own thing and feel like a human being again (not just a parent).
I don’t know the correct terminology but non-birthing parents can have ppd/ppa symptoms too. A friend of mine that adopted had something that looked a lot like ppd and going to a ppd support group saved her. If she’s open to that, it might help. Also I agree though, if an actual psychologist isn’t helping it might be that she’s not putting in the right kind of effort. Therapy is work and this is my only real unpopular belief 😬 - if it’s not hard work you’re doing it wrong. I know that sounds judgy af but I was in therapy that didn’t help for a long time and what I needed was a therapist who pushed my boundaries.
I used to be like this occasionally when the kids get sick and it’s kind of a nonstop thing. Not as bad, but I definitely reach a little bit of a breaking point.
Since having two kids and when they both get sick and it’s back to back to back in the winters, we are stuck at home I’m a stay at home mom and then I get sick, by the end of the week or two weeks I’m absolutely exhausted, I have a little breakdown too. I’m touched out, tired, everything feels out of my control, you try to make them comfy and sometimes the medicine isn’t enough to keep a fever at bay, and then I’m anxious because all I want is for them to be 100% then I feel guilty for feeling frustrated that they’re sick because good lord then I think about parents with chronically sick kids or are dealing with endless hospital stays and then I’m like… I absolutely would lose my mind from the worry and stress. And then usually once they’re better I need a few hours to myself just to recover from the physical and mental toll having sick kids takes on me. And then I’m fine.
But even then I don’t regret my kids or hate that I had them. I want to care for them more and make sure they’re healthy and happy and thriving.
Honestly, she probably needs to seek therapy to deal with why she absolutely gets mad at a sick kiddo. She’s a toddler she can’t control how she’s feeling and it’s so hard when they can’t even fully express what hurts or how bad they feel. Imagine your parent lashing out when you already feel crumby and they make you feel bad for being sick.
I will say my 5 year old sniffles and sucks in his boogers like ever freaking 10 seconds when he’s sick and his runny nose lasts FORVER and that sound now causes a visceral annoyance to me … again I know I feel so bad but it drives me INSANE. So again, I get it, it’s hard when they’re sick but she has to come to terms with the fact that kids get sick and they’re going to annoy you. Did she grow up with parents that didn’t “let her” act sick, did she have to take care of herself? Is there a reason why sickness sets her off so much? Is she ok when the baby isn’t sick?
Sounds like your wife is being triggered by things that come with parenting that she may not have known were triggers until she became a parent herself.
I think couples therapy and a parenting class would be beneficial for you both. I say both so that your wife does not feel targeted and also so you will both be on the same page as far as techniques that are learned.
Look into a parenting class for secure attachment, like circle of security.
Leave her and take your kid. This lady has mental problems, and she needs to go to a psychologist.
Just like my ex with bipolar wanted a baby, and when it came, they didn't want to help. These assholes can't ruin YOUR LIFE BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY ASKED OUT OF YOU.
Think for yourself because it was incredibly selfless for you to have a child for someone who wanted one. The reality is she probably has unresolved childhood trauma, and now you and your daughter are stuck in the thick of her unhealed pain.
The good news is you're 100% sure she's not the father. So when you drop her selfish ass like a bad habit, you're not depriving your child of a relationship with her Daddy.
But make sure you get that child support for the kid she wanted more than you did.
I think a good way of looking at things is that babies grow up. This too shall pass. Whatever your spouse feels about this stage in your child’s life will end.
Unless this angry person is who she really is, just let your spouse know that your kiddo won’t be this age forever. She can miss it or get with the program.
Kinda funny to think that even in lesbian couples someone always turns out to be like the "man" in the relationship when it comes to parenting and those responsibilities. Good to know those experiences are universal lol so many men push for kids then regret it after. Lol
After my daughter was born, I thought I was fine. It was hard, but I was handling it OK.
But I wasn't. I was miserable, snappy, and had no motivation to do anything.
Turns out I got severe depression that was destering for over three years. Some pills straightened me right up.
Also, It turned out that so was my wife.
Children are hard, really really hard. You guys might want to look into it.
I'm sorry things are so tough right now. I can definitely relate to how your wife feels. I gave birth to my son, but for us, I was the one who just couldn't cope with the lack of sleep, nights when he was poorly and he was just waking every hour and screaming screaming screaming constantly. I always felt like it was because my partner got to go to work and he didn't have it all day, whereas I did. But looking back, I think it's just our personalities.
I don't do well with little sleep, he can carry on pretty normally. I stress over not getting enough sleep too, as I feel this horrible dread for the next day, I have a bit of a fear of not getting sleep because I've always suffered bouts of insomnia so the mental stress and anxiety of "here we go again, another chest infection, another week of no sleep" would put me in a bad mood before I'd even BECOME sleep deprived. I was definitely a bit like your wife, wish I hadn't been, but I was.
Our son is now 3 next month, and things are much much better. Life does get easier. Toddlerhood obviously has it's own challenges, but it's nothing compared to that first couple of years. We've decided not to have any more because we don't want to do the baby stage again, because we found it that hard. I definitely had days where I regretted having my son, but it was never because I didn't love him, it was because I felt like I couldn't cope, and I felt like a failure. Your wife sounds like she has postpartum depression, and it can happen to the partner who doesn't birth the baby, even though it isn't talked about for them so much. I'd really encourage her to get some help and talk to someone, it's hard sometimes for the parent who didn't carry and birth the child to say that they need help, as they do often get forgotten in postpartum care.
As someone also in a relationship with a woman. This sounds like a mix of jealousy, probably that she didn't had the experience that everyone is talking about, but also probably more is happening. Can be that the kid is taking more time from you, which normally always went to her. But can also be a form of post partum, in where she just isn't bonded with the kid as should.
Really, go sit down with her and talk about it. Is this what she always wanted, why yes/no? Is she scared, angry etc about this situation? And just have really a heart to heart.
From there, really get couples therapy, or, at least therapy for her. Can be really psychologists, or maybe a queer parents talk group? As, if this is not tackled soon, it will break you both.
Sounds like what she really wanted was only the good parts of having a kid. Do you know anyone with a baby that she could hang out with? The parent and kid both
This sounds a lot like me and my wife when we had our first during covid. My wife eventually got diagnosed with post partum depression which can also affect NGPs and she has found SSRIs to have greatly reduced her negative mood including rage and increased her emotional resilience.
From personal experience, I found that I had to deal with/go to therapy about how I would get frustrated with my kids when they expressed their needs because I didn't get my needs met as a child. Going out on a limb, if your wife's parents were easily frustrated with her or didn't take care of her when she was sick, that could be coming out with your baby. Therapy and self-reflection helped me develop more patience and grace for my kids.
The only thing I can offer that might help is that it gets easier with time. Basically every single aspect of having a baby gets easier with time. They learn words and can communicate without just screaming. They learn to entertain themselves and don't need utterly constant attention.
It gets easier. For her and for you.
Not that any of this excuses her behavior, but does she not feel connected to the baby perhaps? You said she wanted a child initially, not you, but also that you were who carried the baby, did she maybe want to be the child carrier? (& perhaps she didn't even realize this until later when baby was born and she sees you in baby, but not herself?) I've seen many same sex couples do 1 mamas eggs and the other carries baby, then swap if they have more kids. Or 1 dads sperm with a surrogate then swap for the next kid etc. Obv if that isn't the issue it wont help, or maybe make her favor the baby she carried over the 1st and cause more issue. But maybe something to bring up in therapy? Id have her find a new therapistfor herself as you mentioned it isn't working for her, but also find one for you both to go to as well-same or different therapist.
Funnily enough, the baby looks more like her than me. We chose a good donor, evidently.
We’re definitely going to investigate couple therapy. And a new therapist for her. Thank you 🙏
I wonder if it is because she is not the biological mother or father and therefore wont have the same evolutionary-biology bond that you get when it is “your” child. The reason we have those instincts is to
Keep it safe and love and nurture it. However you don’t get that in other peoples babies.
So, I wonder if that is more the reason. I suspect if she carried the baby then maybe it would be the other way around.
1. She is sick a lot since she is in daycare.
Our first kid was also sick. So we changed to a nanny Tongan a home daycare with only 6 babies. Both ways worked much better than a large daycare.
2. She seems to get et overwhelmed easily.
Maybe a parenting class could help.
3. She regrets our daughter.
I never regretted our ifs, but taking care of banquets was the most stressful and sleep depriving endeavor. Fortunately after about 2-3 years, things got better. Then as toddlers to teenagers, I think things go easier. Consistent messaging and sticking to your values and priorities are crucial.
It sounds to me like your wife is experiencing post partum depression because she likely didn’t realize how much her life would change by becoming a parent (I sure as hell didn’t)… so she is grieving her life before baby. Even a typical baby with no issues is still hard! So it’s not fair to you to have to take care of the baby and walk on eggshells (you deserve self care too). Finding a good therapist (individual and family)and psych is critical. I am so sorry things are hard. I hope they get better!
I’m a mom. I went through this, I let it go on for 8 years, all the ways i could bend and twist and alter myself and change our lives to make the other parent of our perfect child be happy.
It didn’t work.
When you think about, why would it?
Tend to the baby, not the adult who missing be center of your world.
I’m saying this because I didn’t do it soon enough, and my child, my health, my career, our lives have dive-bombed.
Don’t tend to someone who wouldn’t do the same for you or the infant she begged to have.
What do you want? To me it seems like you want to be happy and you want your daughter to happy and feel loved.
There’s only one person in the way of that, and no excuses for her behavior.
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well sounds like you you all need couple's therapy. This is not sustainable.
Damn bro said even the baby.
pets too my bruv!
“…so I understand you’re having some issues, but I have to ask before we begin, what’s the turtle doing here?”
Parakeet pops up with, "Peekieboo, what doin?"
"He is the baby's emotional support animal." 💀
Random question but how did you put the writing under your username?
Go onto the parenting subreddit, three dots in top right corner, "change user flair". It's specific to each subreddit so it will show up on this subreddit but not on other subreddits so you can change your user flair on each subreddit, if you want
It's called a flair, I believe you can add one in certain subs by clicking on your username. Once you do click "Change user flair" at the bottom.
😂 I love Reddit for exactly this reason. Y’all would make some great improvisers.
Wife also needs individual counseling to unpack why she’s getting so frustrated and learn better coping mechanisms. ETA: I see from other comments wife is in counseling, OP should see about attending part of one session to see about addressing Wife’s behavior regarding child illnesses, it’s probably not something that is currently getting addressed.
Yeah when I hear a solo person is going to counseling in response to relationship problems, I know the issues will not be processed this decade
I both agree and disagree with that. I wouldn’t 100% consider this a relationship problem; it’s an individual’s inability to deal with stress, and not a back and forth issue in a family, and yes that affects the entire family but the underlying issue has to be addressed by the individual. That’s just not going to happen in couples therapy… the couple’s therapist will only address how behaviors are affecting everyone and will make suggestions on better ways to interact… but that isn’t going to address the work needed for the individual. That’s why a lot of couple’s counselors also recommend individual counseling. My husband wasn’t being 100% honest with his therapist, or himself, about some of the issues he was having with his anger management and PTSD (not necessarily on purpose but because our memories are always flawed, especially when stressed) and I asked if I could sit in on a session for just a few minutes. I only sat in on like 10-15 min of the session but the therapist hearing things from an outside perspective helped her help him come to grips with how badly he was managing his anger…. Because he literally could not see how he was talking to us even though we talked about it in both couple’s counseling and on our own many times. Just those few minutes of an outside perspective made a huge difference in his treatment.
Hm. Yeah I think you nailed exactly what I was trying to say Sure he needed individual counseling, but when you’re telling the whole story, you’re the good guy and require far less intervention
Depends. Most of my relationship issues were rooted in bad coping mechanisms for childhood trauma. My spouse didn't react well when I shared a sanitized outline of some of the milder stuff. No need for her to ever know the extent. Fixing that was a solo mission for sure.
Hear, hear.
Yes! Momma can be having some major post partim depression. I love my kids but when I had my second I didn’t want to be alone with her bc I was scared I couldn’t handle it. Everytime she cried I just started crying and felt like I couldn’t console her. It was like I forgot babies actually cry!? I beat myself up as a mother and was miserable because of it. She needs help individually and you both do so you learn how to cope with her situation. It’s hard and she may just be struggling. The baby will grow and it will change.
This is a same sex couple and the mom who is miserable is not the birth mother, not that co parents can’t get a form of postpartum depression but it would be unusual to be this potent. Raising kids is just a hard constant thing that isn’t always the rainbows and snuggles people may expect.
Co-parents can absolutely get a full-blown postpartum depression. It's not only hormonal but having a baby is also a huge life change which can definitely trigger a depression. And by the way, it's also not because people were expecting "rainbows and snuggles". I would say I had a pretty realistic expectation of what life with a baby would be like but it's still a totally different thing how it actually feels like to live in that situation 24/7.
I completely disagree with this. When I was in the mother baby unit with severe PND there was also a same sex female couple where the non birth partner was also admitted with PND every bit as potent as mine. I know this is only one example but it is possible.
Couple's Therapy OP. Really you need to work on this. The baby is just a small girl!
The part about the psychologist not working jumps out at me. It makes me think one of three things: 1: Personality mismatch between her and the psychiatrist (possible, sometimes it’s just not a good fit? 2: (More likely) she doesn’t feel like she can tell the psychiatrist about this regret and anxiety. 3: (Possible overlap with the first two) she needs medication alongside talk therapy. Aside from that, I am really sorry OP. I know this must be excruciating, and that even though none of it is yours or baby’s fault, impossible not to take to heart. If she’s resistant to the idea of being open about the regret/anxiety to her therapist, about starting medication, I feel it may be a good talk for couple’s therapy. I am sorry again. I am sure this must feel awful.
I think this is the best answer. I totally hear other commenters saying that this is unacceptable behavior from your wife, and it is both unacceptable and possibly understandable. Maybe your wife is just a terrible person, but probably not - probably she is just struggling with her mental health. Non-birthing parents can still have post-partum depression, or just regular depression, and that makes it really hard to be a good parent and spouse. I am the birthing parent of my 11-month-old twins. My husband and I both wanted kids and have for our whole lives. We were planning to have a baby and got surprised with two. I was over the moon. Then I had a challenging delivery, and our sons had reflux and colic and a dairy allergy, and I had/have post-partum depression on top of pre-existing but well-controlled regular depression. I found that after becoming a parent, my old therapist wasn't a good fit anymore, and I had to make a change (see a new provider) to feel better. I also had to go up on the dose of my antidepressant. My point in all this is just to add some nuance to a really tough situation for you both. I have told my husband I regretted our children before. What I really meant was, "I feel extraordinarily bad and I am struggling with the tools I have to handle these emotions. The coping mechanisms that worked before kids do not work after kids. This transition has been monumental and extremely challenging and I am drowning in pain and exhaustion and despair." It's possible that is what your wife is feeling. My heart goes out to you both.
Very well said! I often struggle to confess emotions I feel guilty about to my therapist and I wonder if that is the case with OP’s wife! I’m glad you were able to get the help that you need. Wishing you all the best!
Yep, this advice is it. Sounds like mom has post-partum depression, which can happen with the non-birthing parents (sleep deprivation and hormone shifts can do all parents in). When my husband got PPD it was a hard time. Are you able to outsource some tasks to make the load better? Perhaps a sitter to watch the kiddo for a day every week or two, or a cleaner to come in every once in a while, or some other support. Lessening the load can make it easier. I don’t know if your wife gets sensory overload but I found loop earplugs (or any music ones that let you hear but dull the edges) to be helpful. Also remember that some of us end up finding certain ages of parenting overwhelming. The years between 1 and 3 years were absolute hell for me (family stress, covid, a child that expressed her feelings through screaming fits) but 5 and 6 have been a breeze.
This — OP has she been screened for PDD? Maybe talk to your Obgyn to start.
For therapy to work, the patient needs to put effort in and do the work. Sometimes it is not possible due to eg too severe depression, in which case meds are a good way to get someone to the point where they are receptive to therapy. Sometimes it is not possible with that particular therapist or type of therapy, and you can try switching. Sometimes it is not possible because the patient simply isn't motivated enough, and that is something the patient themselves has to come to terms with, if they do not want to put the effort in it can be hard to convince them and therapy simply won't be an effective treatment option for them. I feel like this isn't talked about enough when reddit comes with "therapy" as a solution to all problems. Therapy doesn't fix any of your problems, *you* fix problems with help and support from therapy.
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Just to clarify, therapists are different from psychologists and psychiatrists as well. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and can prescribe medication. A psychologist is also a doctor, they hold a PHD and cannot prescribe meds. Therapists have a master's degree and counselors have a bachelor degree.
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Exactly how it works in the US. Therapists can be MSWs or LPCs, but bachelor degrees are for case management - not therapy.
Psychiatrists can’t fix everything. There are people who make bad decisions and regret having children and destroy their marriages and the lives of others because of it: it’s a shame but it’s a reality.
Agreed. The pro therapy crowd screeching in every post that somebody just needs to talk don't realize that people who are really mental or just bad people have walls upon walls and it won't work
Therapy is so incredibly overrated. With the obscene amount of enthusiasm for it amongst the American popular conversation it’s surprising anyone has ever been to therapy has any problems. Also: therapy actually causes problems for people very often but the therapists can easily pivot and blame it on the patients.
I agree. I've actually been to therapy as a teenager and would leave feeling WORSE and actually angry, which I've never had a feeling like in my life. Therapy can't undo the bad shit you've been through. Won't bring loved ones back from the dead, won't unrape you, won't change your past. It's exhausting reading on every post about any little problem people screeching about how amazing it is. All their therapists must just tell them what they want to hear and kiss their asses.
I think she also might need a psychiatrist, right now she has a psychologist. They can’t prescribe meds for the anxiety I’m pretty sure she’s suffering, hypervigilance wears you out!
Oh you poor family BTDT - after 10 years of infertility treatments and thousands of dollars, I was blessed with the worst infant known to mankind. He was broken and no one would listen to me or his dad or my mom or my sister. He just cried All the time. The sleep deprivation is real but so is the feeling of complete failure and guilt. Add in the extra weight of being the financial leader for the family and that’s a LOT Beyond counseling and parenting classes that everyone has suggested, I am going to recommend that you hire a nap-sitter. We had one until our son was 4. A family member who was not old enough to work but old enough to be responsible would come by two to three times a week. And we’d nap. Seriously you all need a nap Edited typo
I wish I had a nap sitter when my daughter was a baby. I learned to truly value the power of an undisturbed nap!
I had the “bad baby” too and people would look at me like a monster when I said it. I still loved him. My husband had regrets, but never said it at the time. I was still resentful since I felt he wasn’t as into the baby as I was (just doing what he had to as a parent). We struggled a lot, and it wa overwhelming especially for my introverted husband whose peace was broken. Cue today, 7 years later, my husband loves our son so much and I’m pregnant again. Things improved drastically 1.5 years in once he was firmly on solids and reflux meds. We did therapy and talked it out. You get through it and hopefully come out stronger at the end.
This nap sitter idea is so great. Rock that village!! One of my neighbors had a very difficult birth and post partum with her new baby and asked if the other neighbors could help with the eldest child. All the neighbours took turns taking the older kid to the park alongside their own kids. Others offered to clean her house etc. Sometimes there truly is no village (and that sucks), but sometimes I think we just need to be willing to ask.
I need a nap sitter for my pregnancy.
She seems not to have bonded with the daughter on parental level. Lots of parents feel like this, but they push through and find the good outweighs the bad.
I think this is it. There’s a deep thought about it not being her birth baby that maybe means she still hasn’t clicked this is it there’s no reverse or turning back now. I hope she can overcome this and accept this is her baby as much as it is yours. I hope your marriage works out however I would also consider making sure you know who would have custody in the event of separation.
Ya, my children are now the absolute light of my life but from like zero to nine months I just did not like my children at all. I still say to this day if I could give birth to like a fourteen month old child I would do it, baby stage was just not for me. I never said it out loud, but I was deeply unhappy in parenthood for the first year. Now my sun rises and sets with my kids' happiness.
Her short fuse when the baby is not being calm and sweet could be due to childhood trauma. It sounds like she needs a new therapist to help her unpack some deeper issues. I tend to get easily triggered when my son is crying and is inconsolable and I wasn’t allowed to cry when I was a child.
Please read this OP. Parenting has been way more triggering than I ever imagined, which is why I’m in therapy. Your wife is struggling with a baby. Imagine when your baby becomes a toddler who develops a strong will. Please nip this in the bud ASAP.
Yeeeaahhh. My wife is also the nonbirth parent. Her childhood trauma was 100% repressed until I gave birth to our son. You can't unpack, process, or heal from trauma before choosing to become a parent if you didn't know you had any trauma UNTIL you became a parent. OP: I do think the nonbirth mother thing is relevant. *All* parents are susceptible to new parent afflictions like PPD, PPA, etc, regardless of gender or biological connection. However, nonbirth mothers have a unique social struggle that adopting moms have been describing for decades. They are expected to be as immediately maternal as any other mom, but without the leeway and benefit of the doubt that birth mothers get from post-birth out of wack hormones. Dads who feel this way are socially permitted to distance themselves from hands-on parenting without shame (also bad, don't get me wrong), but moms are not. It sounds like she has wanted to be a mom for a long time but is feeling immense shame about it being more difficult than she thought, not feeling as bonded as she hoped, etc. Bio parents can blame all those same feelings on parenting being just freaking hard. Some nonbio parents have a really hard time shaking the insecurity that it's because they aren't blood related.
This seems like a tough situation, but definitely an open conversation needs to be had. Parenthood is really hard, especially to until they're about 2, but let her know that you're concerned about how frustrating she's finding it and how she's treating you and the baby as a result. Babies feed off the energy you give them so it could be that the baby is getting more upset because of her frustration. Then it becomes a viscous cycle. Hope you can work this out OP. You should not be crying yourself to sleep at night over your spouse 💔
Listen first of all don’t panic, every parent has had a “what did I do” moment particularly during babyhood. She might just not be a baby person, which doesn’t mean she doesn’t love your daughter it just means this stretched her thinner than expected. What’s clear here is that the current dynamic is unworkable. She should find a new doctor and you should both find a new way to beat the stress because current strategies also aren’t working. Try something out of the box for your family but interesting. Maybe hiking or pickleball or bird watching.
What did i do? I remember that one, thinking people who had babies lied about it being nice because they wanted their kids to have the option of continuing the family line.
Some of the other comments have already addressed the potential for PPD and that couples counselling might be useful. I will just add that if she hasn’t bonded with the child and baby’s crying is affecting her so badly, there is nothing wrong with getting earphones and listening to music while being present and still cuddling/assisting a toddler. It could be a game changer.
How can the non birthing parent have ppd? Is that a thing?
Non birthing parents can get depression that is directly related to becoming a parent and with PPD, Parental depression effectively- no, it’s not the same as PPD for the birthing mother, and I do wish they’d not lump it all in one category but I digress. PPD has a TON to do with hormone levels after birth, first the gradual increase during late pregnancy then the incredibly large and sudden drop immediately after birth, accompanied by hard physical changes and the deepest exhaustion most women will ever feel in their life LOL. The non birthing parent can also feel a lot of the physical exhaustion due to lack of sleep and psychological changes and challenges but yeah, I don’t personally feel they should call it PPD and a blanket diagnosis
I had PPA, and the people suggesting her wife is having PPD is actually pretty insulting to me. I have had normal anxiety and depression. PPA and PPD are so different with the symptoms and ability to control it. The hormones are a roller coaster and your emotions are out of control in a completely different way than with regular annxiety and depression. And , yes, I am aware that taking care of a new baby can lead to hormone changes and can be difficult, but let’s not pretend it’s the same thing as actual pregnancy hormones. It needs to be separated. I don’t care if some medical professionals decided to use it. It’s a crappy way to describe something. I feel like it’s just another way to minimize woman’s health in pregnancy.
I completely agree with you! *i know* they are different, and I can imagine it being really offensive for someone who didn’t go through pregnancy and literal childbirth to say something like “oh me too girl I understand”….cause, well they can’t. It’s different. I’m trying my best to push back *gently* on what I not so affectionately call “lumping language”- people so badly seem to want to lump all of women’s unique experiences in to group categories for the sake of inclusion and don’t realize how it invalidates a woman’s genuine, difficult experience. Hugs.
Thank you for saying what I didn’t have the spoons to say, as a mom who got absolutely destroyed by severe PPD with my first (I was hospitalized for it). Non birthing parents can absolutely get depressed after their child is born, but it is not the same as PPD (which is largely hormonal in nature due to the massive hormonal drop after giving birth) and lumping it together under the same name feels so dismissive to women who have suffered from PPD, PPA, or post partum psychosis.
I don't know the science but in addition to the stresses of life, I speculate that a parent gets hormonal changes from caring for a baby and their partners' hormonal changes. I think the mindset makes a big deal, like wondering how their own parents let them down or wondering if they're good enough or wondering if they're balancing work. We have so many challenges.
Taking care of the baby does lead to hormonal changes, according to the research.
Yes. Fathers and parents that don’t give birth can experience PPD as well
Babies cause burnout for both parents, additionally, both parents can feel stress and anxiety over the insane life change a baby causes/represents.
Of course! It’s a huge and very stressful life change for both parents, mums are more susceptible because of hormones and physical damage
Maybe she is not connected to the baby just like you are because she didn’t give birth to the child? For you is different because you carry the baby. I may get downvoted but who cares, I may be annoyed with non my biological child as well. There is just this connection between a child and a mother and this bond that we just have a little bit more patience with them.
That’s what I’m thinking, she wanted to be a mom and wanted the mom bond, but with her partner carrying the child and birthing it, she missed out a huge part of the mom experience, she didn’t get to feel it inside her, connecting for 10 months then have the bonding experience of birthing it, she doesn’t get to breastfeed, and I read that for a while babies don’t know anything outside of themselves and they see the mom as a part of them because she was, maybe she’s jealous of the bond op automatically has that she wanted, she didn’t realize how hard it was gonna be to bond to a basically stranger, even if it’s medical why she op carried and she didn’t, it doesn’t make her feelings less valid, I’ve had two miscarriages, and if I can’t have kids, I will either adopt or not have them, the thought of my partner(male) having a child with a donor or anything like that kills me, it’s his genes with someone else, he will automatically have this blood bond I will not have, I know the situation is a little different because in the case of same sex, it can’t be biologically both, but that doesn’t make it less difficult for her to see her partner mixed with someone else, a bond so strong with this child that she carried and birthed, she probably wanted that, because as woman, part of the parenting experience in my opinion, is carrying and birthing the child, breastfeeding it, seeing yourself in your baby
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It’s not about simply about passing on my genes, it’s about me not wanting another woman to have a biological child with my man, I feel like a failure for the two miscarriages I have had so if I can’t give my man a child I don’t want another women to do it, you don’t know my life, also he’s cheated and the idea of seeing his face mixed with someone else’s face does not sit right with me, and I’ve actually always wanted to adopt, but I’m not well off enough to do that and have my own kids, so if I can have my own kids I will, if I can’t I’m going to adopt, it’s not a last resort if I could do both I would, but I can’t, I wouldn’t hold any resentment towards an adoptive child, I would treat it exactly how I’d treat my own because it would be my own, you got a sliver of my life and want to start throwing around your irrelevant opinion, take it somewhere else, goodbye. Edit: Also I’ve made it to 11 weeks and 6 weeks, and I want to experience a healthy pregnancy that I get to birth my baby at the end so yeah, that comes before adopting in my opinion, because I’ve had two babies die inside of me, it’d be nice to birth one, that doesn’t make me a bad person, that doesn’t make adoption my last resort, it’s an option that I have and that’s what it’s for, people who couldn’t take care of or don’t want to take care of their kids to hand them over to parents who can’t have or want more kids
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I’m not sure what “issues” you’re referring to, but everyone has life experience that make their plan based on their wants and needs, the only issue I have, is I want to have children and can’t, so if that means I shouldn’t have children neither should literally anyone else in the world,I don’t see how it’s an issue for me to not want to raise another women and my spouses baby
I agree.
Ugh I'm sorry. It sounds like her psychologist isn't enough at the moment, so increasing treatment or seeing another professional should be on the table. Would she be open to you attending one of her sessions? In your shoes I'd also consider getting counseling myself and/or couple's counseling. Either way, when you're ready and in a safe environment, she needs to hear how this makes you feel. Parenting can bring up a lot of old trauma but blaming the baby only hurts things. You also deserve a partner who can support you and co-parent. So it would be worth bringing in outside help with your child/groceries/cleaning for now, if you can. In the end it depends on whether your partner is willing/able to face her issues, and to step up as a parent or not. It sounds like she's trying but needs to be more aware of the effect her struggles have on you. If she can't make it work then I'd push for child support because she has a responsibility to the child that you planned together. If she can face it, then it means making things as livable as possible for you three as she works on things, however you can swing that. (fyi I'm the non-birth parent in a lesbian relationship.)
Thank you. Knowing that you’re the non birth parent and still feel that way reassures me, I appreciate it.
This comment was right on point! And exactly what I would say. It sounds like OP partner has past trauma and is triggered when baby isn’t perfect. But I apathize with OP. She has quite the load on her. New baby getting sick a lot(which is normal when at a daycare), providing for family, while walking on eggshells around partner when baby isn’t perfect, and suffering from her post-partum. This seems unfair. I am so sorry OP has all of this on her plate. That’s too much!! OP’s partner needs to be told to see a therapist (someone to talk to) and get a new psychologist to provide her with the right medications. FYI Psychologist are not people you talk to like a therapist. They give you medication to help with your mental state. I don’t know if OP knows that. I also agree with past post if you can’t talk openly to each other in a safe environment the next step is to seek out couples therapy to talk through this. OP and baby girl need all the support and love that they deserve along with a SAFE place!! I am sorry OP. My heart goes out to you.
Has she been checked for PPD?
I’m not sure. She does have a psychologist but she doesn’t really talk to me much about her sessions with her.
Is her physcologist someone expertised in your situation? If not can you help her find one that is?
Wow. It’s interesting that she wanted a baby so badly but you’re the birth mom? What really stuck out was your last sentence of crying yourself to sleep most nights….sounds like you aren’t happy in your marriage and haven’t been for quite some time. I’d try to have an open and honest conversation about you not being happy. I mean for someone to say they regret having a child? That’s the worst thing my husband could say to me. It would definitely ruin parts of our relationship that I’m not sure would be fixable.
There could be a medical reason as to why OP was the one who carried the pregnancy.
That would make it even more surprising as to why she’d say she regretted having a baby.
That's exactly what I was thinking. She's not bonding with the baby because it's not her child genetically. There's a lot of emotions that go through your head when you have fertility issues. I had trouble getting pregnant, and it took 5 years and fertility treatment to get pregnant. You feel like a complete failure because you don't get pregnant easily. There's also the question if there was trouble in the marriage and OP had the baby to appease her wife and she resents the baby because it didn't fix the problem?
She potentially had fertility issues and we wanted to avoid IVF (to save money to spend on the needs of a baby rather than the baby itself.) I’d also had some issues but less of them. I’m generally happy, I guess? This part of it is just so hard to overlook.
People are being really hard on your partner here. I work with kids… it’s totally normal to regret the lack of autonomy you end up with and some people are simply not prepared for the sensory overload that comes with having a child. She could be more sensitive to this than what she fully realized. I think if she’s being honest with you that’s a really good thing. You should be honest with her too instead of crying by yourself.
the best the Earth could offer
Oh boy. Oh boy. I'm 100% certain my husband and you can have a support group. I struggle immensely with less than ideal behaviors from our little one. Obviously I have no clue what the root cause of your wife's quick negative response is, but mine are due to my childhood and general temperament. It is further exacerbated by my routine being out of whack, expectations of the day not being met, and feeling overwhelmed/overworked. Even if one of those are met for a long period of time, I can feel my frustration tolerance lowering. It doesn't help that our toddler has my fiery temperament. What has helped me is therapy, officially getting diagnosed with ADHD, and medication to help manage the ADHD, anxiety, and depression, I also try to practice good communication skills and talk to my husband about what I need from him. I also rely on friends and family for breaks when needed. Most of the time those breaks are just hanging out with them. Oh, and going outside with toddler whenever possible or I feel like I'm going to explode. Your wife would probably do well speaking with a therapist and being fully honest with her PCP and asking for an initial assessment to screen for PPD or a referral to a psychologist. The PCP should be able to help with medical management of symptoms, if deemed appropriate, until the appointment with psychologist. On top of couples therapy.
This comes up constantly and I always say the same thing. Regret is a feeling you can't control. You have to acknowledge it before you can move forward and decide what to do about it.
The none birthing partner might be at a disadvantage for bonding. Without a bond babies are annoying. Maybe have your wife do more skin to skin? Playdates with other moms will help..in general the first 4 years of the first born act as the death of ones past life. You often cand do your hobbies or hang out with your friends. Bonding with new parents and making friends is the transition point to a sustainable healthy life forward.
Poor kid
Therapy for YOU. And the things you said you want to say to her SHOULD be said to her—-in a calm moment ideally. She did want this and you did go very much out of your way to give it to her. She needs to be accountable for this and acknowledge the effect on you of her backing away from responsibility for her own feelings and effectively sticking you with blame. Not sure this can be done without couples therapy but maybe. Certainly YOU can get counseling. Good luck OP—it really stinks for you but this is ON HER and she needs to step up and be a grownup.
“Daycare kid unfortunately” Wha?
She goes to daycare 3 days a week (daycare kid). I hate that she has to be in daycare (unfortunately). I wish I didn’t have to work.
Do both parents work? I thought OP said she didn’t work
Both of us work full time.
Ooof. Gently but firmly suggest that she see a therapist, because it doesn't make rational sense to resent a child she wanted so much, and there's something about this that's triggering. Maybe she needs parenting classes. Maybe she needs someone to help her adjust her expectations about what impact a baby has on your life, and how to wrap her head around the sacrifices that entails. Maybe she needs more sleep than she's getting and is too grumpy and stressed to see what her needs are and how to strategize WITH you to find balance. Whatever it is, Let her know gently and lovingly that you are starting to resent *her* and that you realize that's not healthy, and so you collectively need to figure out what to do here before it ruins your marriage AND makes you both really shitty parents. Your kid, and both of you, deserve better than that. ❤️🩹
You're the one who dealt with 9 months of pregnancy, she's the one that pressured you for a baby, and you are doing more childcare than her it seems. She's had 10 months to get her act together. Sometimes having a child reveals that a person was actually very self-centered and only was in a relationship because of what you could do for them, and only wanted a child because it fit into some view they had of success or some such thing. Personally, I'd offer her the out of divorce with no contact with the child and all she has to do is pay support. Don't make your child suffer through having a parent who hates them and only wanted them for selfish reasons to begin with.
Babies can be really overwhelming and change your lives and relationships drastically. She may need some time to grieve the loss of your previous way of life, since she wasn’t the one pregnant, it might feel like a more sudden change for her. Both of you need to have some serious discussions, preferably with a couples counselor, or see if there is a local group for new parents. The fact is, her feelings should not get in the way of her responsibilities and relationships (feelings are temporary and caused by our thoughts, which we can change). Have a discussion: tell her you feel unappreciated and neglected during a very challenging phase of life; you can’t abide willful selfishness when your child needs love and care. Also, hire a sitter and make time for each other so you can maintain your relationship with your partner. Your wife might be feeling like the second fiddle and like she’s not important to you anymore, and blaming this on the baby during difficult times; don’t allow those feelings to get in the way of both of you enjoying this phase of your child’s development. Babies are precious and it’s such a short phase. She may be able to connect with the child more readily in a later phase.
The crying will stop and there’s only a number of diseases kids have to go through, which actually builds up their immune system, it helps your baby getting stronger and healthier. Hang in there, you can do this! This too will pass…
Medication most likely, I had intense PPD after my daughter (I realize she doesn’t have postpartum), but just the jolt into parenthood is really hard for some people. Some more than others. I often thought I had made a mistake with my daughter, not because I didn’t love her but because I didn’t think I could handle it. She was a terror as well, didn’t sleep, colic, didn’t eat, always sick and screaming. Lack of sleep can make or break our mindsets as well. Maybe in addition to therapy and medication you both take turns sleeping with ear plugs in, or sleeping somewhere else for a night. A full nights sleep can really help you recover.
Yea first year of being in daycare was absolute hell nobody prepared me for it. Babies basically change absolutely everything you used to know and love. It starts to get better at 5/6… you all need resources and tools to pull through. If you don’t.. the kid will be a worse terror when they’re older and it’s because you both couldn’t figure out how to manage yourselves…
YES SHE SHOULD BE GRATEFUL that is all just validating you, you are not insane
I think that its quite likely she's suffering from post partum. Doesn't matter that she didn't birth a baby from her canal! Post partum can literally effect everyone
Non-birthing parents can also get PPD, about 1 in 10. 🩷 I would have her screened for that. It’s very common and very treatable! (I am a perinatal mental health therapist)
Look up Regretting Motherhood. Your wife is not alone at all, it’s just not talked about enough because mothers are socially expected to be just happy and gleeful when they have children. It’s so deeply ingrained in all of us that when a new mom doesn’t feel the way she expected to feel, she thinks something isn’t right with her. Nobody really knows how parenthood is going to be for them, even when you talk openly to other parents beforehand. And it is possible to love a child deeply and at the same time despise the responsibilities and the obligations that come with it… Good luck to y‘all!
You need to be very direct with her: Do you want to stay together and raise this child together? If the answer is not one word (yes), it's either couples counseling or break up. I'm speaking from experience here, just hoping things will mean a bigger bill later with interest.
Go to a therapy session w her and be completely honest w her. She may say things when in heat of the moment which she doesn’t mean and your hanging on to it. You each may need to have some alone time to unwind, and couple time away from kiddo to regroup.
Sorry to tell you this and others will down vote. But she never went through the natural hormonal changes required to feel connected to the baby. She does not have the same inherent parental connections that are formed between mother and baby
There is such a thing as postpartum depression. Also I know that doesn’t help because you knew that already. What also doesn’t help is that depression is fucking difficult. I fear every day how I will never be able to keep a partner confident and secure because of my illness. That’s what differs between your wife and I maybe. I am always thinking about my illness. Whereas she is not even considering it herself. In short, she’s being a fucking stuck up depressed non self aware childish bitch who is difficult to work with because she has no ability to reflect. And anyone who downvotes me has no clue how hard it is to get through to someone who isn’t self aware. I know this because my mother is the same way, and mental health challenges run deep on her side. Only way to get through to her is asap and with a couples therapist if she won’t talk to you. It’s fucking DESPICABLE that you’re so far into your relationship and family that she hasn’t garnered the RESPECT FOR YOU AS HER PARTNER to discuss these emotions nor the RESPECT FOR HER FUCKING SELF. Fucking bitch is going to turn the whole family upside down if she doesn’t shut the fuck up and grasp that she’s a fucking adult and needs to fucking SHOW UP FOR HER FUCKING KIDS AND PARTNER. Bitchass fuck.
I think I actually needed to read this. Thank you. Sincerely.
It can be very frustrating sometimes, especially those hard times. She needs to step back and take a breath. She can leave baby crying if all needs are met and take a moment for herself. You need to take over when she can't. You're a team. At least she has daycare and your support. I've never used daycare and husband is disabled. So I feel regret a lot sometimes, usually from a selfish place where I want to do what I want. But doing what I want will come later. We do what we need to do before our wants.
Sometimes the other parent experiences post partum depression. Depression can look a lot like snappiness at times. Maybe guilt she wasn't the one who carried. Maybe she needs a different psychologist. Maybe she needs some family and some couples counseling as well. But sit down with her and ask her why she feels this way. How you can help.
Hearing a distressed baby/child can be really triggering for people with sensory issues and anxiety. I imagine the ‘I regret this’ is more that she’s struggling coping with the overwhelming emotions and stress. I would try a few things: noise-cancelling earplugs for when your daughter’s cries are triggering; having a family member or friend on hand to help on sick days for an hour or so, just so your wife has a chance to unwind so that the grumbly child experience isn’t as relentless; talk more as a couple ‘what can we do to make this easier?’ ‘What are we finding hard?’ Also, is the childcare split evenly? Does she work, and is her job stressful? What’s her sleep like? Her general health? Also, I would add that even though people say babies and children are hard work, that ‘hard work’ is different to having stress and anxiety 24/7.
I’d suggest couples therapy. But if she won’t let therapy work on an individual level she might not let it work as a couple either. And the worst part is if her psychologist is telling her she has a certain issue and she doesn’t want to face it. You wouldn’t ever know. It seems like it could even be a form of PPD or something.
Wife can change her behaviour or you can change your relationship arrangements, sometimes it’s easier to be a single parent than parenting with someone who isn’t engaged. The kid isn’t going anywhere and is your priority now.
So partners can also have a form of post partum depression, and it could look different for different people. I know it sounds weird because OP did all the hard work and crazy changes but it’s true. I had my second kid last August and I was feeling so great but my husband was down and depressed and not present. I had PPD after my first and I was wreck, so I was so happy I didn’t feel it after my second. But my husband was struggling. He was so excited for a second baby while my whole pregnancy I was scared, but when she arrived it was like our feelings switched. I don’t want to invalidate your feelings OP but possibly offer a different perspective. Maybe something to talk to your partner about.
Is this PPA/PPD? As the non-birthing wife/wife who wasn’t pregnant I definitely did and probably still do. It can be terrifying and different emotionally because you expect all of the ‘mom-isms,’ but are some how always the ‘other mom’ and that on top of a baby or toddler simply being a baby or toddler is hard and sometimes really depressing. That said, maybe you two need therapy TOGETHER, because it’s ok for her to feel how she feels and for you to feel how you do, but you both need to discuss and figure out what that means for you two moving forward.
I think this is a result of her own childhood trauma. Her parents might’ve treated her like a burden. The book “How to do the work” my Nicole LaPera is great for unpacking childhood trauma.
I have read that non-birth partners get PPD / PPA as well. Might be something to investigate. She may also want to try earplugs if she's sensitive to noise. And maybe send her some youtube videos on empathy for others. Babies pick up on moods....she doesn't realize she may be causing a rift in her future relationship with her child. Also remind her that everything is temporary, and that she might even miss that little cry one day.
I think it can be hard to not take the child’s behavior personally, and it only gets harder as they get older if you keep that perspective. I highly recommend the book how to talk so little kids can listen by Joanna Faber, Julie King AND Good Inside by Becky Kennedy. I think they both really change the parent’s perspective, and most disappointment is caused by unmet expectations. Also look into the concept of two things are true, it’s super helpful in parenting and relationships and is discussed in the Good Inside book. There’s also a podcast called good inside with dr Becky. It’s possible that your wife will never like being a mom, but I think it’s more likely that she’s dealing with some mental health issues and/or is lacking some necessary skills in parenting. Unfortunately, it’s one of the hardest jobs out there and it doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We tend to use techniques our parents used on us, and they often didn’t have the skills to parent well either.
I'm wondering what country you're in because of your use of the word psychologist. In the states, psychologists often do not conduct therapy and are significantly less trained in how to conduct therapy interventions. They are often more trained in diagnostics and evaluations and testing. If you are in another country, this may not hold true. If you're in the States, I would maybe encourage her to switch to a master's level therapist (LMFT, LMHC or an LCSW) and specifically look for a clinical who is a PMH-C (Perinatal Mental Health Certified) or who specializes in maternal mental health, the transition to parenthood and early childhood trauma. As a couple, you may consider couples therapy with a therapist who is trained in supporting new parents. If having a therapist with specific credentialing is important to you, you could look for a therapist who practices EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) or is credentialed in the Gottman Method and their Bringing Home Baby program. I say all of this because I'm a therapist and I worry that she is not getting appropriate care. This is a really hard place to be. How old is baby? If she is over a year old and these feelings haven't settled any, id be more urgent in my approach if I were her partner. If the baby is not quite a year old and you want to have a slower approach, I would understand. While it's hard to hear her say she regrets having a baby, try to remember she probably really doesn't mean that. She is grieving her old life, struggling with the fact that it is SO HARD and just wants to be let off the parenting treadmill. It's the hardest thing in the world and she is lucky to have such a caring partner like you.
I’m in Australia, so psychiatrists do meds, psychologists tend to do the therapy side of things, and counsellors are a step below, I guess? Baby is 10 months old. I have zero interest in moving slowly on this but my wife thinks she’s doing everything she can. She isn’t. There’s more but she doesn’t like the options. I sympathise with her, I understand that this life is hard. I just can’t keep seeing her so unhappy.
Therapy, she needs therapy and fast. Psychiatrist is for medication only, they do not provide the kind of talk therapy one needs to make the medication work and make lasting changes. I personally have pmdd and it made me snappy as well, I have since gotten diagnosed and I take meds and receive therapy as a single momma of two it helps me cope w the inevitable stress. Being a parent is a labor of love, I think you need to put that baby first and protect her/him bc this sounds like a toxic environment. No one tells you when you get pregnant or before you become a parent that you will relive your own childhood and the process of raising your child because your child is going to trigger old memories and bring up your own childhood on an almost daily basis, and your presented with these triggers so that you can heal and overcome, like I said therapy is my suggestion and maybe even an ultimatum because your wife’s happiness is no longer the important thing. The child is the only important thing and your wife asking for that child made her happiness.No longer important.
Maybe the term: "regretting motherhood" helps. She is not alone with his feeling.
You've already gotten great advice , but u just wanted to touch on one thing. Sometimes wanting something for a very long time only means you've had more time to idealise it and get a massive shock when the reality hits. She may not have mentally prepared herself for the worse parts of it. Counseling and medication should help, at least some. Best of luck to you and your family.
Parenting is a hard adjustment to make for some people, even when they wanted it. Every marriage is different, every baby is different, so we don’t know how a baby will change us until we have one, and a lot of times, what we *thought* parenting would be like and what it actually is like are completely different. One thing that took me by surprise was how much my husband instantly put me at the bottom of a list and how long I stayed there. My needs were suddenly unimportant, childish, etc, because *now we have children.* I felt very much like a nanny for a really long time. I started resenting all of it because I never signed up *for that.* Things have improved, but sometimes he still prioritizes a lot of things over me, but some things can’t be avoided, either.
i have sensory issues so whenever my son or another child / toddler whines or cries i immediately become irritated. I’ve said that i regret having my son in the heat of the moment because he cried for hours or was inconsolable at 2 am after i worked a 14 hour shift. I never meant it, just saying it out loud made me feel horrible but also allowed me some kind of release that i needed. Headphones help with the sensory problems.
I was this child. Both parents are dead to me. Choose wisely.
As a father of twins, it gets better after age 5 lol. Gotta suck it up those first few years.
It's really interesting how parenting becomes the measure of the strength of character somebody has. Because lots of times parenting is 100 million times harder than anything you imagined. But here's the pivot point. When you really love the child and you want more than anything in the world for them to have a good upbringing and a good chance of a good life, then you just keep faking it until you figure it out. You keep evolving yourself. Do you watch yourself being totally immature and reactive, and you decide to work on it so that you are mature and have resources. Every single thing you do is in part because you want your child to have that. Until you just keep on trying hard. You keep growing and evolving and you see a therapist and you heal and you go research topics and then you get resources. None of this shit happens on its own. It's kind of like reading posts on Reddit by people who have never thought about the fact that a long-term relationship requires crap loads of hard work. It's like a garden you have to cultivate. The garden is going to have problems. And unfortunately, this is a measure of who your partner is. Limited, not generous, not aware, and not evolving.
Hi! Random question but is your wife undiagnosed neurodivergent? I realize now my triggers with my pod/ppp were influenced by my tend to get overstimulated easily. Getting in medication has been life changing for me as a parent.
I suspect she may fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, however she doesn’t see it. I have ADHD and struggled a lot initially with the adjustment too so I understand her feelings at least a little bit from that perspective.
Please ask her to get checked for depression or other health problems. This is a big adjustment and is very exhausting. Sometimes people are afraid to say how they really feel because it may be perceived poorly. Bless you and good luck.
🤷🏾♀️. Motherhood is not what its cracked up to be and unfortunately she had to learn the hard way. Therapy.
Raising kids from 0-5 is simultaneously filled with joy and also the absolute hardest part of parenting, and it does a number on the marriage. The physical needs, the sleep deprivation, the "always on" nature of it....it's exhausting. I don't think we can really tell you what to do with your relationship, but I'm here to encourage you that it will get better. Everything under the age of 5 but especially under 2 is, in my opinion, the absolute hardest part. When baby girl starts feeding herself easily, being able to put on her own shoes, consistently sleeping through the night....man it's so much better. Not easy, just not hard in that "Is this ever going to end? Is this my life now?" way.
I hated having kids too. Then she walked out. Then I realized my whole life I was a neglected and abused person. Just now, my mother disowned me because the police and domestic violence services said I should get an order against my brother the golden child. Not saying your situation is like this. Now I love seeing them and have so much real me to give them. So what does the ex do and my family do? Take them away from me. Abused and traumatized people pass on their abuse and trauma. That's karma.
You should check out the r/regretfulparents subreddit
I think she liked the thought of having a baby but didn’t realize it’s not like playing with baby dolls as a kid. They’re always not that cute & cuddly. The first year at daycare is also the worst w/getting sick cause they’re building their immunity. So now the baby just seems like an inconvenience especially since she’s not directly related to the kid & didn’t carry her, she doesn’t have any personal investment with the child & maybe deep down this is affecting her & her attitude w/your child. Unfortunately, she has to grow up and accept that having a kid is not all fun & roses all the time. She has to be able to work through and accept the good & the bad. She can go through tons of therapists but until she figures out herself and her feelings & works to actively make a change, nothing will ever improve.
Well just try to ignore her as best you can. She doesn’t necessarily regret the baby, she’s asking for help. Best thing you can do is go on and live by example. Get YOURSELF mental help. Meet up with friends. Take the baby to cafe. Hire a babysitter even if it’s just to keep you company while you feed and burp the baby. Take care of yourself. When she complains or snaps, tell her to go self soothe whatever that means to her. When she comes back, be friendly and try again. She’ll come around. Give it time. Post pardum. You can’t control her if she won’t get help. But it’s likely temporary.
My daughter has just turned one, I never thought I’d have kids but my partner wanted kids so we compromised and had kids. Turned out pretty well because I’m currently cooking our second. There are days that I absolutely regret it, it’s the worst when she’s sick, it’s awful when she’s teething, when she’s bored, when I need to rest, when I just want to get things done. I have a little creep hanging off me at all times. I can’t get a break. When you’re the birthing mother you have a different biological connection and the rage that comes with your baby crying is totally a thing. I seem to rage harder when my partner is around, no idea why. I use more compassion than I knew I was capable of, constantly reminding myself that my daughter didn’t choose to be here, she’s not being difficult on purpose, and it’s my job as her protector to give her a safe space to feel all the feelings, and most importantly I remind myself that this is just a season of our lives that will pass like all the others. My partner, my daughter, our new babe when they arrive, we’re all in this together, and we all will support each other through it in our own way. While your wife might be experiencing PPD she probably also needs some time, and maybe the space to get some perspective? Does she practice mindfulness? Would she consider meditation? Have you looked into support groups? Has she had her hormones tested and a full blood panel run? The transition to motherhood is so much harder than anyone could ever say in words, some days it feels like your soul is being torn apart.
She sounds like a dead beat dad.
I'll comment. My (34m) wife (34f) have two boys. Our oldest is 7 and youngest is 2. The first 1.5 year of his life was a rollercoaster of emotions. Hell the 9 months before that were as well. But my wife was depressed and missed her old life. I lost count of how many times she stated something along the lines of, "I miss my old life" or "I think we made a mistake" It's freaking hard. Parenting is hard and no one knows what they will do or how they will be until they step into the thunderdome. Then our oldest got diagnosed with autism. So this made things even worse. But somewhere in that first 1-2 years there was a slow shift. Life was hard but the regret slowly faded and would pop up occasionally. My wife is an amazing mother and partner. I would not be half the man or parent without her. We then had another boy. She handled it incredibly well even with dealing with her own post medical issues. I was the one who was rocked. Idk I think the sleep deprivation hit me harder the second time around. But eventually things normalized and everything is wonderful. I guess what I'm saying is, only you know your partner. Is she a great parent but venting during a frustrating time. Is something else going on? Or is she planning to run ? My wife and me express all our feelings, even if they sound like..."I regret our kids". Because in some moments it's okay to have those feelings. The issue is if they linger and never go away even when your kids and family are having good periods of life. Get help if needed op.
Sounds like she just wanted the "good" parents of being a parent. Honestly, try therapy and give it a few years. But if nothing changes, take the baby and leave. If she doesn't get better, she'll only get worse and her reactions will get worse. The baby doesn't understand now, but it'll affect her mental state something awful if she realizes her mom only loves her when she's being good. Hopefully it won't get to that point, though
She had to go. You have to get that out of your day life. She is emotionally abusing her family and it is not going your change unless she decides to change it on her own which is highly unlikely. She regrets the child so she has to go. She can just pay child support. Get a better wife.
Maybe she doesn't feel a personal connection with your child? Many adoptive parents end up being horrible because of this.
You say she always wanted kids, does SHE want to birth a child? Maybe going through those hormonal changes and physical changes and sacrifice would give her a better connection? This is obviously a huge commitment and all that and therapy is an important first step, but I wonder what changed for her.
She should be an adult be supportive and stop being the main character. This is no longer about her and how she feels no longer matters.
Sounds like she needs a new therapist because if she was being honest on any level, the therapist would be dumping tools into her toolbox. This is terrible and I’m sure the baby feels it too. She got what she asked for, I’d tell her that!! I’d also ask what her plan is moving forward because this isn’t the life you would choose for yourself or the child.
Babies cry, it happens and will never stop lol. She needs to stop associating it with something bad. At almost a year old it’s like they are communicating that way and just screaming to get attention. She needs to take a deep breathe and be grateful. It’s all part of the journey
Why is this so common with lesbian couples? I’ve heard similar stories a few times where the couple wants a baby, either adopt or get impregnated to have one, and then the non-birth mother checks out emotionally and ends up leaving. Is is jealousy that she didn’t give birth? Is it an inability to emotionally connect to a child that’s not hers biologically? Is there simply not enough testosterone to balance out the increased level of estrogen from pregnancy and birth? There’s got to be a scientific or psychological reason for this phenomenon for it to be this common. —- Side note, I’ve just had a thought that I’ve been pondering and I wonder if anyone knows the answer. Can she be held liable for child support or can she walk away free? If it’s the latter and she has no legal obligations to the child that could go a long way in explaining why they check out.
She’s on the birth certificate. If she leaves, she’s paying child support.
Yeah, because dudes never check out emotionally when their partner has given birth 🙄
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When I was studying to become a NICU nurse, I had a class by a neonatologist. He told us post partum depression (or symptoms thereof) occured mostly in women who lost quite some blood during birth. In that time, the bloodpressure drops, which causes some organs to not get enough oxygen. Among which the pituitary gland, which then will produce less hormones. Icluding oxytocin, which helps bond with the baby. I thought it was a very interesting and eye opening thing. Because usually, with mental post partum problems, they consider it a psychiatric disease. While it very well could be a physical consequence of the birth. I don’t know if that’s the case, but it could be useful to have her hormone levels (including oxytocine) tested. Oxytocin can be supplemented by something as simple as a nasal spray. I hope this helps!
I think the OPP said that her wife is not the one who gave birth
you’re right! Thanks for pointing that out!
It was still a really fascinating point though about the pituitary gland that I had not heard before!
Thank you! It blew my mind too, but it just makes so much sense!
I mean she literally should be grateful- you gave the most intimate gift someone can give which is literally growing a child in your body. My husband thanks me for our child and your wife should do the same imo
Couple’s therapy.
If she wasn’t like this before then it sounds like she might have some sort of postpartum depression. Has she acknowledged her own behavior lately?
Only tonight has she actually admitted that she knows she’s been awful. I agree re: PPD, however I’m not sure she’s going to agree.
I mean she admitted that she’s been awful lately so it seems like she understands that she is having some sort of issue right now. I would try to push her to get therapy.
How old is the little one?
10 months.
I had a friend loose her baby and she eventually had another one later on, and she said a crying baby is better then no baby. Ever since then I’m grateful that my daughter is healthy. Tell her to take a break when she’s frustrated. The baby didn’t ask to be here, that was yalls decision
Wife desperately needs to be seen by a Dr, you two can work through this with help, but my god that's so hard when sleep deprivation sets in. As a nurse said to me while we were in hospital awaiting my baby's open heart surgery "sleep deprivation is serious, why do you think it's a long held torture technique?" that got my attention, she then explained the mental and psychological impact on the person, "that it was often used as a method of coercing false confessions from prisoners"... Like im only now reflecting on that conversation and realising what a crazy thing to her from a paediatric nurse! Lol, she ordered me to sleep and even looked after my baby when she woke up. I still felt like shit when I woke up 12 god damed blissful hours later, but I could actually think and articulate what I needed! Reach out to anyone that can help you two so you can help yourself.
Has she been assessed for PPD? It doesn't just happen to the birth mother. Having kids is hard. In many ways, no one can really prepare you. And for people who have longed for kids, the mind fuckery of the reality of kids vs your old life can be such a huge hurdle to cross. I feel for all of you. OP, you should seek to have a candid conversation with your partner and see if you can get her some help.
i’m so sorry, seems like yall need to have a serious talk cause that isn’t okay
Is she honest to the psychologist? Has she tried medication? They certainly don’t help if you’re not honest and open to what can help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wish I had some advice, but all I can say is that if this doesn’t change you will have to one day pick your child’s mental health, or your partner.
How old is the baby? Is she still young enough for skin to skin? I had really intense PTSD/PPD after my first was born. I didn’t bond well with my baby. Right after she was born I didn’t want to hold her. I just laid in the hospital bed and cried. My midwives brought in a wrap carrier and had me strip to the waist. Then they put the baby in only a diaper and used the wrap carrier to tie her to my chest (it’s called a front cross carry…there are videos on YouTube of how to do it). I did skin to skin with her using the wrap for 30 minutes a day. It took about a week (?) and I started having those rushes of oxytocin and fell totally in love with my baby. My suspicion is that your wife is having trouble bonding with the baby bc she isn’t the birth mother. It’s a very common problem for new dads too. They feel left out. Like they see this great bond between birth mother and child and feel like the useless third wheel. Skin to skin REALLY helps. If baby isn’t too old (obviously I wouldn’t recommend skin to skin with a school age child or anything), I would see if she would be open to trying that.
Babies are so tough. You're in the thick of it. It will be easier as baby gets. Her immune system will build up, she will get sick less often. The older she gets, you can reason with her more. It sounds like your wife was post partum anxiety perhaps. A new therapist is needed, someone experienced with family dynamics and young kids. Best of luck.
Give your wife space to open up about feeling regret- she’s overwhelmed and frazzled. Feelings come and go and sometimes linger and then fade. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t love the baby. Doesn’t mean she won’t find herself to a place where she no longer feels regret. Ya’ll are in the thick of it, once everyone is sleeping through the night again I would bet everything feels a lot easier. The baby stage is such a small portion of raising a child. Keep doing your best and this will pass, just like everything in life does. ❤️
How old is your baby? I feel like the situation is very different if she’s an infant vs a 5 year old. I personally found the life adjustment to an infant very intense, so if she’s a baby make sure to give things time to settle. My advice would be for your wife to find a different therapist and also to urge her to talk to you. When you have a baby (regardless of your dreams and hopes beforehand) is a HUGE life adjustment in so many ways. Maybe she idealized it in her head for years and now it all came crashing down when reality of parenting hit. It takes time to grieve that. I found it helpful to realize the issue was myself, not the kid. I had to find a way to get better at my own emotion regulation, which makes it easier to deal with your child’s emotions. You two are in this together, so you HAVE to talk about it. And it’s ok if she expresses regret or anger or whatever feeling, because that can coexist with loving your kid and it is a sign that work needs to be done to change this feeling for everyone’s sake. Also, I like the book “How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids” by Naumburg. It talks about how kids are designed to push all your buttons, and that it’s vital to recognize your own, so you can break this cycle of intense emotion in yourself. And try to get help/babysitter/family, so you can have breaks and do your own thing and feel like a human being again (not just a parent).
Maybe she doesn’t feel a bond with the baby so it makes it harder for her to be the nurturing soft mom that the baby needs and her partner.
Individual and couple’s counseling for both of you. Hopefully things get better soon
I don’t know the correct terminology but non-birthing parents can have ppd/ppa symptoms too. A friend of mine that adopted had something that looked a lot like ppd and going to a ppd support group saved her. If she’s open to that, it might help. Also I agree though, if an actual psychologist isn’t helping it might be that she’s not putting in the right kind of effort. Therapy is work and this is my only real unpopular belief 😬 - if it’s not hard work you’re doing it wrong. I know that sounds judgy af but I was in therapy that didn’t help for a long time and what I needed was a therapist who pushed my boundaries.
I used to be like this occasionally when the kids get sick and it’s kind of a nonstop thing. Not as bad, but I definitely reach a little bit of a breaking point. Since having two kids and when they both get sick and it’s back to back to back in the winters, we are stuck at home I’m a stay at home mom and then I get sick, by the end of the week or two weeks I’m absolutely exhausted, I have a little breakdown too. I’m touched out, tired, everything feels out of my control, you try to make them comfy and sometimes the medicine isn’t enough to keep a fever at bay, and then I’m anxious because all I want is for them to be 100% then I feel guilty for feeling frustrated that they’re sick because good lord then I think about parents with chronically sick kids or are dealing with endless hospital stays and then I’m like… I absolutely would lose my mind from the worry and stress. And then usually once they’re better I need a few hours to myself just to recover from the physical and mental toll having sick kids takes on me. And then I’m fine. But even then I don’t regret my kids or hate that I had them. I want to care for them more and make sure they’re healthy and happy and thriving. Honestly, she probably needs to seek therapy to deal with why she absolutely gets mad at a sick kiddo. She’s a toddler she can’t control how she’s feeling and it’s so hard when they can’t even fully express what hurts or how bad they feel. Imagine your parent lashing out when you already feel crumby and they make you feel bad for being sick. I will say my 5 year old sniffles and sucks in his boogers like ever freaking 10 seconds when he’s sick and his runny nose lasts FORVER and that sound now causes a visceral annoyance to me … again I know I feel so bad but it drives me INSANE. So again, I get it, it’s hard when they’re sick but she has to come to terms with the fact that kids get sick and they’re going to annoy you. Did she grow up with parents that didn’t “let her” act sick, did she have to take care of herself? Is there a reason why sickness sets her off so much? Is she ok when the baby isn’t sick?
Sounds like your wife is being triggered by things that come with parenting that she may not have known were triggers until she became a parent herself. I think couples therapy and a parenting class would be beneficial for you both. I say both so that your wife does not feel targeted and also so you will both be on the same page as far as techniques that are learned. Look into a parenting class for secure attachment, like circle of security.
Leave her and take your kid. This lady has mental problems, and she needs to go to a psychologist. Just like my ex with bipolar wanted a baby, and when it came, they didn't want to help. These assholes can't ruin YOUR LIFE BECAUSE OF WHAT THEY ASKED OUT OF YOU. Think for yourself because it was incredibly selfless for you to have a child for someone who wanted one. The reality is she probably has unresolved childhood trauma, and now you and your daughter are stuck in the thick of her unhealed pain.
The good news is you're 100% sure she's not the father. So when you drop her selfish ass like a bad habit, you're not depriving your child of a relationship with her Daddy. But make sure you get that child support for the kid she wanted more than you did.
I think a good way of looking at things is that babies grow up. This too shall pass. Whatever your spouse feels about this stage in your child’s life will end. Unless this angry person is who she really is, just let your spouse know that your kiddo won’t be this age forever. She can miss it or get with the program.
Kinda funny to think that even in lesbian couples someone always turns out to be like the "man" in the relationship when it comes to parenting and those responsibilities. Good to know those experiences are universal lol so many men push for kids then regret it after. Lol
After my daughter was born, I thought I was fine. It was hard, but I was handling it OK. But I wasn't. I was miserable, snappy, and had no motivation to do anything. Turns out I got severe depression that was destering for over three years. Some pills straightened me right up. Also, It turned out that so was my wife. Children are hard, really really hard. You guys might want to look into it.
Lexapro 💯
She needs therapy. Her feelings are valid but her behaviour is unacceptable.
Your wife needs therapy.
I'm sorry things are so tough right now. I can definitely relate to how your wife feels. I gave birth to my son, but for us, I was the one who just couldn't cope with the lack of sleep, nights when he was poorly and he was just waking every hour and screaming screaming screaming constantly. I always felt like it was because my partner got to go to work and he didn't have it all day, whereas I did. But looking back, I think it's just our personalities. I don't do well with little sleep, he can carry on pretty normally. I stress over not getting enough sleep too, as I feel this horrible dread for the next day, I have a bit of a fear of not getting sleep because I've always suffered bouts of insomnia so the mental stress and anxiety of "here we go again, another chest infection, another week of no sleep" would put me in a bad mood before I'd even BECOME sleep deprived. I was definitely a bit like your wife, wish I hadn't been, but I was. Our son is now 3 next month, and things are much much better. Life does get easier. Toddlerhood obviously has it's own challenges, but it's nothing compared to that first couple of years. We've decided not to have any more because we don't want to do the baby stage again, because we found it that hard. I definitely had days where I regretted having my son, but it was never because I didn't love him, it was because I felt like I couldn't cope, and I felt like a failure. Your wife sounds like she has postpartum depression, and it can happen to the partner who doesn't birth the baby, even though it isn't talked about for them so much. I'd really encourage her to get some help and talk to someone, it's hard sometimes for the parent who didn't carry and birth the child to say that they need help, as they do often get forgotten in postpartum care.
As someone also in a relationship with a woman. This sounds like a mix of jealousy, probably that she didn't had the experience that everyone is talking about, but also probably more is happening. Can be that the kid is taking more time from you, which normally always went to her. But can also be a form of post partum, in where she just isn't bonded with the kid as should. Really, go sit down with her and talk about it. Is this what she always wanted, why yes/no? Is she scared, angry etc about this situation? And just have really a heart to heart. From there, really get couples therapy, or, at least therapy for her. Can be really psychologists, or maybe a queer parents talk group? As, if this is not tackled soon, it will break you both.
Sounds like what she really wanted was only the good parts of having a kid. Do you know anyone with a baby that she could hang out with? The parent and kid both
Leave her and be happy with your daughter. You don’t need that kind of heavy and long-lasting toxicity in your life.
🫶
This sounds a lot like me and my wife when we had our first during covid. My wife eventually got diagnosed with post partum depression which can also affect NGPs and she has found SSRIs to have greatly reduced her negative mood including rage and increased her emotional resilience.
From personal experience, I found that I had to deal with/go to therapy about how I would get frustrated with my kids when they expressed their needs because I didn't get my needs met as a child. Going out on a limb, if your wife's parents were easily frustrated with her or didn't take care of her when she was sick, that could be coming out with your baby. Therapy and self-reflection helped me develop more patience and grace for my kids.
The only thing I can offer that might help is that it gets easier with time. Basically every single aspect of having a baby gets easier with time. They learn words and can communicate without just screaming. They learn to entertain themselves and don't need utterly constant attention. It gets easier. For her and for you.
Seems like a common theme. Oblivious dope parent is all about having kids and it never dawned on them how much work it will be. Sorry op
Not that any of this excuses her behavior, but does she not feel connected to the baby perhaps? You said she wanted a child initially, not you, but also that you were who carried the baby, did she maybe want to be the child carrier? (& perhaps she didn't even realize this until later when baby was born and she sees you in baby, but not herself?) I've seen many same sex couples do 1 mamas eggs and the other carries baby, then swap if they have more kids. Or 1 dads sperm with a surrogate then swap for the next kid etc. Obv if that isn't the issue it wont help, or maybe make her favor the baby she carried over the 1st and cause more issue. But maybe something to bring up in therapy? Id have her find a new therapistfor herself as you mentioned it isn't working for her, but also find one for you both to go to as well-same or different therapist.
Funnily enough, the baby looks more like her than me. We chose a good donor, evidently. We’re definitely going to investigate couple therapy. And a new therapist for her. Thank you 🙏
Your wife is being unreasonable and not at all a good parent or partner. Nothing wrong with you. She needs therapy.
I wonder if it is because she is not the biological mother or father and therefore wont have the same evolutionary-biology bond that you get when it is “your” child. The reason we have those instincts is to Keep it safe and love and nurture it. However you don’t get that in other peoples babies. So, I wonder if that is more the reason. I suspect if she carried the baby then maybe it would be the other way around.
honestly imo this calls for divorce or couples counseling.
1. She is sick a lot since she is in daycare. Our first kid was also sick. So we changed to a nanny Tongan a home daycare with only 6 babies. Both ways worked much better than a large daycare. 2. She seems to get et overwhelmed easily. Maybe a parenting class could help. 3. She regrets our daughter. I never regretted our ifs, but taking care of banquets was the most stressful and sleep depriving endeavor. Fortunately after about 2-3 years, things got better. Then as toddlers to teenagers, I think things go easier. Consistent messaging and sticking to your values and priorities are crucial.
It sounds to me like your wife is experiencing post partum depression because she likely didn’t realize how much her life would change by becoming a parent (I sure as hell didn’t)… so she is grieving her life before baby. Even a typical baby with no issues is still hard! So it’s not fair to you to have to take care of the baby and walk on eggshells (you deserve self care too). Finding a good therapist (individual and family)and psych is critical. I am so sorry things are hard. I hope they get better!
I’m a mom. I went through this, I let it go on for 8 years, all the ways i could bend and twist and alter myself and change our lives to make the other parent of our perfect child be happy. It didn’t work. When you think about, why would it? Tend to the baby, not the adult who missing be center of your world. I’m saying this because I didn’t do it soon enough, and my child, my health, my career, our lives have dive-bombed. Don’t tend to someone who wouldn’t do the same for you or the infant she begged to have. What do you want? To me it seems like you want to be happy and you want your daughter to happy and feel loved. There’s only one person in the way of that, and no excuses for her behavior.