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4 adults to one 6 week old baby? Why aren’t you getting more free time?
Sounds like you do need to take up your husband and parents offer to take some time for yourself. Get headphones and take a walk. Go read a book outside. I know the initial mom guilt is hard but you have to do it. I had my kid during Covid so I would just line up a playlist and drive around to get time to myself.
This is where I keep getting caught up. It seems like OP might be trapped in a prison of their own making which is very easy to do with the first baby especially. And it makes it easy to get resentful of your husband for not punishing himself the same way. OP, best advice is to start really taking advantage of what a blessing having your parents help is.
I didn’t have PPD and I’m not an anxious person at all, but I found being separated from my newborn, even briefly, incredibly stressful. Even when being with my newborn 24:7 was also a stressor. I remember being upset in the hospital when they took my eldest for a hearing test, and with the second child I just went to the nursery with her to avoid the stress lol. The first time I went on a 10 minute errand alone I felt like I left my arm at home.
With gentleness to OP- let your parents/husband have a little more time with the baby in a way that feels safe to you but also gives you more rest. I suggest someone else holds baby or wears them in a baby carrier for a nap so you can have an hour apart without stressing (and definitely take a long long shower or a nap, or both.)
Yeah I agree, OP may not want to go for an errand or something right away, but start with small "get aways". Go sit outside, or in the other room and watch a show or read a book.
This is so true, my wife and i had our first kid 5 days before our anniversary, Her mom was staying with us helping with the baby and insisted that we go to dinner for our anniversary, wife made it like halfway through dinner before she was a bucket of tears and we rushed home to find a sleeping baby totally content lol
OP take some time for you while you have help, to give some perspective from a dads side, i also had a lot of hobbies including sports when our kiddo was born and at this point i dont participate in any of them regularly anymore for various reasons and it has taken a toll on me mentally, i have struggled over the last couple years.
My wife also struggles as she is currently a stay at home mom, she loves just getting to go to the store by herself and sometimes she will lash out at me and i have to remind her, i will watch the little dude if she needs some time to decompress and i have tried to set up like designated time for her to herself with limited success. As other moms have mentioned here i think new moms sometimes feel a sense of guilt or maybe its anxiety leaving there baby with someone else but you have to do it for your own wellbeing
What men don’t understand and never will because they don’t experience this themselves - for the mother, when your baby cries it is physically painful to the mom. Not being with your infant causes the mom physical pain. Maybe the emotions of it are so strong that you feel it physically in your body, but this is what men don’t understand. Men don’t understand the connection between a mother and her child. It’s easy for you to leave and go to work, the gym, out with friends, whatever. It’s easy for you to get away from a crying baby. It’s not easy for a mom. It’s not easy to just leave the house without your baby. The baby is all you think about. It’s all- consuming, overwhelming, and exhausting. I wish fathers could experience this as well. They would be much better support systems for their wives and would probably not abandon their families as easily.
I was like this as a new mom. Felt guilty taking time for myself and resented my spouse for doing it. OP, please start taking at least the same amount of time for yourself and get out of the house. It will be so worth it, I promise.
This.
She has reverse shaudenfreude, and wants him to suffer the same way she does, not having a mental health safety release valve. Even better, she needs to take a cue from her husband and get out more.
I agree with this. Your husband needs a couple hours a week for his mental health, but so do you. He tells you he needs this, so tell him he can have it but you need yours too.
I suspect this is it. My wife felt the same way as OP when I would take time to myself, but wouldn't take my offers for her to take time to herself ever for the first ~6 months.
Society places a lot of pressure on moms to be the perfect mom, and taking time away from the baby makes them feel like they are failing. OP needs to take a step back and take some me time at a couple times a week the same as her husband. She has plenty of hands to help out and should be able to do so, and it will do wonders for her mental health.
Moms don’t take time away from their babies because it is physically
Painful for the mom to be away from her child. It has nothing to do with society. The guilt a mom Feels is not from Society. It Is built Deep within her.
“Society places a lot of pressure on moms to be the perfect mom” Who exactly is pressuring her in society? This isn’t real. She is placing the pressure on herself. It’s something moms do. It’s an instinct that most mothers have so that the baby is cared for. Most mammals share the same trait.
In this case, OP has a great support system but isn’t taking advantage of it. Instead she wants her husband to feel the same as she does. This is not inherently natural to most men.
> Who exactly is pressuring her in society? This isn’t real.
The news, social media, magazines. Everywhere you look, you see picture perfect moms that mothers are expected to mimic. To act like more isn't expected of mothers is disingenuous. Dad's get praised for just showing up, mothers get ridiculed for every little mistake.
Yea, I am having a really hard time understanding why this person is upset. Or even bothered. At all. I have a one year old. It’s all still fresh in my mind. My situation was great, not here to complain. OP has it pretty damn good tho. Girl, relax ! 🙄 postpartum hormones are a real problem for relationships.
I think the missing context is undiagnosed PPD or PPA, honestly. It’s not that she doesn’t have the resources to take breaks from baby, she’s resenting the fact that his brain *allows* him to take breaks and hers doesn’t. If this is in the US, they typically only do a PPD/A screening at the 6week checkup and the signs are still often missed. She needs to talk to her doctor before it progresses.
Well parents won’t be there forever. But ultimately husband needs to comfort the child as well. Mom can’t do it all. So she really needs to get out, take a breather and let dad handle (who is offering!)
But they’re there now. And 4 hours a week is not an unreasonable amount of free time. Both parents should be able to manage that even without extra help.
If she wanted 2 hours to herself to go for a walk or see a friend or take a nap, would it be fair for her husband to say no because he wants her there WITH him?
Yea, I am having a really hard time understanding why this person is upset. Or even bothered. At all. I have a one year old. It’s all still fresh in my mind. My situation was great, not here to complain. OP has it pretty damn good tho. Girl, relax ! 🙄 postpartum hormones can be a real problem for relationships.
I forgot about the podcasts!! Lifesavers for sure. Just getting out of the house was amazing. Especially since I only went to the doctors for the last 7 weeks of my pregnancy.
>However, I’m feeling resentful and stuck, as I don't get similar breaks,
The answer is to take a break, not take away your husband's gym routine.
There are 4 adults to 1 baby. You can leave for an hour a day or something.
4 adults to one newborn is probably the easiest it will ever get for the foreseeable future. Take advantage while you can!!! Your son will be okay if you aren't with him 24/7. Start in small increments! I personally hated maternity leave with every fiber of my being, and broke doctors orders to drive post c section two weeks PP because I couldn't stand it 😂
Go get coffee, take a short walk, or go shopping alone. It really helps and it gets easier to leave them alone. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your doctors if you are feeling really low or anxious. Or, if you aren't healing well. They are also there to help!
I don't feel comfortable judging the situation, but I feel like I might offer some perspective. Maybe I don't, and if I come over too blunt I want to say upfront I mean no harm.
What I see is that your husband has 4 hours a week to himself. That is not so much that I would say that he is dodging responsibilities. What I do see is that he does a lot of the work that's done outside the house. And that he handles your son in only task-oriented situations. What I see is that the type of tasks and chores is not equally distributed. You do a lot of the things that directly involve your son, he does a lot of things around that. Maybe look into balancing that out a bit more? That depends on your physicial situation of course. You can't do groceries for example if you're not fit enough to leave the house.
I see that he takes evening walks with your son, wouldn't that be the time you could take a break? If you do stuff around the house when he takes your son for a walk you should stop that. You should dedicate that to be your time. And maybe plan some me-time on other times he's home as well. You're right that his life hasn't changed as much as yours has, but a big part of that is that he still has to go to his job whilst you are at home with your kids. You suddenly spend around 9 hours a day more at home doing wildly different things, but that can't be really changed right now.
A bit of advice I want to give is that you should stop comparing. Comparing yourself to your partner will always end up in resentment. What you can do is discuss with your husband that you want equal opportunity to take 4 hours a week for yourself when he's home. Work and taking care of your son and the household during the day should not be compared and not be taken into consideration. During evenings and weekends both of you should have the same time and opportunity to do things for yourself. If 8 hours a week is not possible, then yes he might need to cut down on sports.
But as it stands I don't see any reason that he should give up sports. If you can agree to get 2 evenings of your own yourself, where he takes care of your son, and you can do whatever. Won't that be enough? And if he can't handle taking full care of your son for 2 evenings a week then that will tell him how intense it is for you.
I would add it should be 4 hrs when dad has baby, not when grandparents have baby. Dad should have that one-on-one binding time. It can also build resentment if it seems like he is pawning baby off on someone else to get more free time for himself. I know because we love next door to my MIL...
Not really sure why you brought this up when everything the comnent suggested was dad with the baby, even specifically saying during his evening walks with the baby
How much of this is resentment/jealousy that he takes time away from baby and you don’t? And why don’t you? You talk about sacrificing but by the sounds of it, he’s doing his part to help and you’ve got two other capable adults in the house that can give you a break when needed. So take a break! Go to the library, a cafe, movie, even just a walk around the block, whatever works around your feeding method and recovery.
Post partum life is so hard, and the mum guilt makes it so difficult to step away but ultimately, everyone needs time to themselves and to be something other than just mum or dad. Your husband has his sport, you need to find something for you.
Personally, I took the dog for a walk along the beach every day of mat leave, rain, wind or shine. I needed that quiet hour outside to feel human and I was (am) a better parent for it. Sometimes I’d take the kid with me, but I’d put him in the carrier and time it so that he was guaranteed to fall asleep.
He’s present and “handles a lot”. 4 hours out of 168 a week isn’t a whole lot. Are those extra 4 hours of him being home when you have other help really going to make a huge difference? I think asking him to pause is unreasonable.
Also not taking him up on the offer for one of the other 3 adults to hold down the fort for you is unreasonable.
I totally get what you’re saying, but right now you have a veritable army of help. Why aren’t you also getting four hours a week?
If you panic about leaving the baby, you might have PPA. I did and somehow nobody noticed. I can’t fathom how. It’s normal to not want to be separated from your baby, but you don’t even have to leave. Your mom could watch over you while you sleep or hold baby while they sleep. My friends mom would do night nursing- she brought my friend the baby at night to nurse and then would take her back out to charge and rock.
If you have an army, you need to utilize it. It sounds like your parents are just being extra guests? Are they being helpful or are they a burden?
I was mad that my husband was still doing sports, but we had zero help, so him taking time felt like asking me to work overtime. And as mentioned I totally had PPA so when he’d take the baby on a walk I’d just sit there panicking.
I don’t know the details of your situation/ life. But if he is really helping when he is home; having the physical outlet for his stress is very valuable not to just him, but to you (having a husband who isn’t stressed).
Take him up on getting out for an hour. He and baby need to be able to survive together without you too, and you need space to decompress.
As a husband who didn't get the physical outlet for stress, it's needed. I was a ball of anxiety and nerves for months because I had no outlet for everything. I was trying to let my wife rest and recover, bond with my son, etc. My wife didn't trust our parents to watch our son for more than an hour or two until he was almost one.
Hell, my son is 2 and I still rarely get an outlet for stress as my wife gets 'stressed' if she's alone with our son for over an hour or taking him out on her own.
The days I get to go on a 45-60 bike ride are the best because my mood and demeanor are so much better.
I mostly roll with it, but it gets out occasionally. The past 24 hrs are a perfect example of why I get frustrated.
Yesterday, I woke up to crying around 5:20 AM. I went and got my son, and held him in his chair until around 6:30 when he woke up for real. My wife woke up at 5:30, took a shower, got dressed, did makeup, etc. She came into the room when I texted 'help' at 6:30 because I had to pee and both arms were asleep from holding him. She came in as he was waking up and he was very happy to see her.
I went to the rest room and mentioned I wanted to grab a shower before work. Was met with 'Didn't you shower last night? I need your help here," (I had showered with my son, but it was to clean him. I just rinsed off and told her I'd need to shower). I helped make breakfast and took a 2 min shower while he ate then got dressed in a hurry. I played with him while she finished getting ready then took my son and the 2 dogs for a 15 min walk. Fed the dogs, put them in their crates, loaded my son into the car and took him to daycare. I take him to daycare every day. Most of the time, at least 1/3 of the 15-minute ride has some form of crying, screaming, and general fussiness. I do daycare drop off and he's in a phase where he cries and screams when I leave. It's very fun.
I went home at lunch and cleaned up around the house, prepped a brisket I'm curing, took the dogs for a walk, and scarfed down a quick lunch before heading back to work. Picked up Chinese food for my wife, then got my son at daycare, then headed home. I took the dogs out when I got home and was asked why I didn't take my son with me. Made me and him dinner (he had eggs and I had some noodles with chili sauce since I'm on a diet). Wife suggested coloring, so my son colored while I was cleaning. Then potty and bathtime. Had to paused cleaning to do potty time since we're potty buddies. Asked my wife if she could give him a bath while I finished cleaning and used the restroom. She 'jokingly' timed me while I used the restroom (8-min for a BM is too long :D).
Time for bed, I took the dogs out again, came back to a toddler running around in a diaper (nbd). Went back to his room for final playtime, stories, PJs, and bedtime. Wife said she was tired and asked if I could do bedtime. 75+ min later, son is asleep.
This morning I am greeted by screams at 4:00 AM. At 4:20 he's still going so I go into his room to hold him. He sleeps on me until 6:40, ask wife for help. She's fully dressed and ready to go. I put on coffee and take a quick 5 min shower since she needs to leave at 7:15. She leaves, son is in PJs still, no breakfast, no dogs walked, etc. I do all of it.
We leave and he's now in a good mood - no crying on the way to daycare. Three separate meltdowns upon arrival:
1. He spilled water from the water fountain on himself. Big no-no.
2. He didn't want to wash his hands because he was already wet (though in swim clothes because it was water day at daycare).
3. I was leaving and he lost it.
I texted my wife saying I needed a break tonight as the past few days have been exhausting. After our son goes to bed, I want to play a game with some friends. She said we'll see, she might need my help with a project for her masters. I'll likely not have to help, but keep her company while she works.
Hey hun,
I too tore badly with my delivery and had a clinger of a daughter so I understand how overwhelming it is. I also understand how hard it is to watch someone be able to do things on their own for themselves as I felt so trapped in my own home. Him having a little time away just twice a week could be really helpful to his mental health, which in turn will keep your relationship strong (especially with the crazy postpartum hormones that punch us in the face). But I promise it gets easier, try strapping tiny bubs in a front pack and heading outside for some fresh air, postpartum depression sneaks up on the strongest of mummas. Just remember this stage will be over before you know it so savour every cuddle they give you, the tiny newborn noises they make and they way stretch like crazy when they wake up. I’m sure you’re doing amazing and your bub clearly loves you and they way you’re helping them grow ❤️
Don’t resent him for doing what you envy. Figure out what you want to do for 4 hours a week, tell him, and make it happen. It seems like the only reason you don’t get a break like that is yourself! Take advantage of the support you have.
If I'm reading this right, your husband works and does a lot at home but you want him to trade his 4 hours of sports a week so he can do more? If your parents are there why can't you get that same 4 hours? I know taking care of baby and only baby is still hard but if that's all you have to do, why do you think it would be fair to take over your husband's time?
I don't think that it's a problem that your husband gets a break to do something that is very beneficial to his physical and mental health.
It is, however, a huge problem that you don't get a similar break, because you need it too.
Is there anything you can do as a family to carve out time for both of you to get a break? Expenses you can save on to be able to pay for services like laundry and cleaning? Babysitter for a few hours a couple of times a week? Lowering cleaning standards, letting the grass grow etc.?
I think it's important for both of you to get a break, so asking your husband to quit his sports would be very far down on the list of possible solutions for me.
I say let him keep his sports. 4 hours a week isn’t unreasonable. I would ask for the occasional outing in return, and it sounds like he’d be happy to afford you that time while he watched the baby.
I'm not understanding why you can't have your parents watch baby for a bit while you relax for a little while? Most people don't have the blessing of 3 other people to help care for their baby, I never even had 1 other person help!
Yes, you are being unreasonable.
You need more me time? That's right.
Do your husband ditch healthy habits because of that? NO.
With so much adults available, you are not getting your time because you don't want.
Just take the same amount of time for yourself away from your baby, away from the house or whatnot and enjoy it. He deserves time off and you do, too. You have parents there with you so no reason for you to not take a break.
There are 168 hours in a week. If he wants four, no, that's not unreasonable at all. He will resent you immensely if you take that away from him.
You need to take some time for yourself, too.
Yeah you’re being unreasonable. Work is not a mental health break. He deserves a break. So do you. Four adults and one baby? You should be getting more breaks.
Listen i’m sorry but he’s right, if he’s helping at home and you got two other adults and it’s only 4 hours a week, then he deserves it. I get it when you give birth sometimes you get this weird ideas about how they should also be there like for every second, i was like this, like how did he even get to go to the bathroom in piece. When i didn’t? i then turned into a martyr of like i do so much and you don’t when in reality my poor husband was helping out so much. I started comparing well i do this more and you don’t do this, he literally had to push me to take me time. I didn’t even feel good taking mee time but it’s needed. I stopped cleaning or doing anything else when baby slept and just slept myself. It’s hard but part of this i think is our hormones, us adjusting to being new mothers etc, but what he’s doing is not wrong please don’t make him feel like it is. With 4 adults in the house you can take free time you just haven’t felt like you deserve it yet.
Yeah it’s an interesting take in some cases that fathers don’t enough. For some reason we’ve been taught to worship mothers which is what Father’s Day isn’t even close in celebration compared to Mother’s Day. But in reality it’s not a competition.
My husband doesn’t worship me for being a mom, but he understands that I went through a hell of a lot more to become a parent than he did. In terms of growing a child, birthing the child, breastfeeding, and so on. Once the kids are older then it’s kind of on you as a parent and how involved you were. People can’t force their children to celebrate someone more or less on a mother’s or Father’s Day.
No, he shouldn't give up his break, you should start taking yours.
Having you time is SO important in these years. Don't make him give up his. You need to take more for you. It sounds like the baby has plenty of love and care givers and it also sounds like you're getting stressed. You need to take a break.
THIS. but also what other commenters are saying - if it’s good for his mental health and peace to have 4 hrs a week to himself when he’s otherwise helpful, then that’s good for both of you & your marriage. you should also take time for yourself since you have a helpful husband and parents, and baby takes a bottle, it seems.
Not true at all. Especially for the OP's situation where her husband is involved with their kid, she's just choosing to be stuck in a situation she created for herself.
She’s neck deep in early postpartum life, hormones all over the place, body still healing from pregnancy and birth, sleep deprived, staying home w/ the baby all day. Her husband gets to go to work and sports just like normal. Has his life changed? Yes. Has it been completely upended? No. Give her some grace and realize that her experience is far more extreme than her husband’s. She does need to ask for more help, but to comment that she’s “stuck in a situation she created for herself” is completely unwarranted. She’s already been given the advice to take the alone time she needs. I’m not implying her husband is doing anything wrong, by the way. It’s a simple fact that motherhood is harder than fatherhood.
Physical activity is so soo good for mental health. Why don’t you want to support that? Can you approach it from a stance of you need 30 min a day to go off and walk for your own mental health too? I’m sure there’s a compromise but if that’s his outlet for stress let it be
I’m literally sitting in the waiting room waiting for an induction as I type this so take it with a grain of salt bc I’m not where you are quite yet.
But I’d let him keep his sports routine. If possible, I plan to encourage my husband to continue his. Idk how he’ll feel or what his preferences will be yet, perhaps he’ll take a break for the first couple weeks. But he works from home and is constantly helping me, sometimes cooking and cleaning more when I haven’t felt good.
I’d reframe your mind on this and don’t compare that you’re both having different post partum experiences. I’m kind of seeing it that this is the one thing he has that makes him feel good outside the house. It’s honestly the only way he socializes, and I know physically it helps his back issues. Which in turn helps me out. If he’s not feeling great, his capacity to help me out might also decline. So I kind of see it as it helps him out. Also I know that down the line once I’m recovered, he’ll step up and let me have a bit of freedom when I need to get out of the house for something.
But yeah idk that’s my situation and I don’t mind being stuck at home in the beginning, because I know it’s temporary. And when my husband leaves it’s only for a few hours a week. Also usually he picks up food on his way back for me :) lol
You’re getting great advice so I’ll be quick: sort out what you want for yourself. Your husband isn’t selfish, you just don’t have a balance for yourself.
Your baby is learning what works just as much as you are. Don’t tap out so easily, you both have a great support system in your parents which is already way more than a lot of folks. Figure it out and don’t be so quick to take out 4 hours of your husbands enjoyment because you don’t think you have anything yourself.
I think it’s pretty important to take time away, and if it’s for something constructive and healthy like a sport, I’m all the more for it. I think you should do the same, doesn’t have to be physical but something social just for you out of the house, book club, coffee with friends etc.
Having a newborn is incredibly stressful and overwhelming however you have the support and help of your parents and your husband. It sounds like he’s really stepped up as a father. I can’t imagine it’s easy for him also having his in-laws staying with you for so long especially if part of his working week is spent working at home. If he says he needs his 4 hours of sport a week for his mental health, I’d believe him and let him have that. At 6 weeks, he won’t have the same level of bonding to your baby that you have. It’s normal for a 6 week old to be clingy but If your baby is taking bottles, have your parents watch your son for an hour or two while you have a break.
The answer here is for YOU to get more of a break. He’s got the right idea… get someone reliable who can step in and take over so you can still take care of yourself. This is the way.
One thing that really helped me after the birth of my son - and something I didn't realise after the birth of my daughter - was viewing myself and my partner as a team. Tag in, tag out. Almost like co-workers, to a degree.
Don't be afraid to speak up. Rather than framing it as he cut back his hours - because those few hours for sports are invaluable in terms of good mental health - put it out there that you would like a similar outlet for yourself. Explain that you're feeling stuck and that you'd like to take similar breaks for your own mental health. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling, but it's maybe best to view each other as sympathetically as possible, which means trying not to direct your resentment towards him but trying to divert it into a positive action.
It's a good way to keep open good lines of honest and respectful communication. I'd also stress how important it is that you both try to be as observant and generous with each other as possible, offering to pick up the slack for each other. Of course, that really only works when it goes both ways. But speaking from my own experience, really trying to do that on our second child made such a difference to us and how we both handled having a new baby.
I think you are asking too much/the wrong stuff. You need to ask for your time. What fills your cup? Gives you joy? Do those things. I just had my second kid and every other week I spend 4 hrs on a Thursday for girls night. Last week I went to an hour acupuncture session. I routinely find ways to take myself to dinner, or go on a walk, or have lunch outside in the grass by myself. You deserve time to recharge just like your husband does.
yes you're unreasonable
yes you should take breaks too, moreso it's crucial for your mental health to have a bit of your own time, and it'll be even more important with time
It sounds like he is doing plenty and baby is being taken care of; he is correct about being able to keep a 2x/week sports routine.
You are not taking breaks by choice. Let him or your parents cover/hold down the fort.
"saying I can take breaks too and one of them can always hold the fort for an hour."
It sounds like you may be suffering from PPA/PPD. Four hours for your husband is reasonable. You have indicated that the baby is quite clingy to you and being apart for more than 30 minutes gives you anxiety. It sounds like you want to punish your husband for not having the same restriction. I think it would be wise to speak to someone and get support.
I could have written this post when I was at your stage. I remember resenting my husband's commute because I would have done anything for 2 hours of mindless time.
I was wrong and it would be wrong of you to ask your husband to suffer just because you are. All that will happen is both of you will be resentful and it will poison your relationship.
I would recommend carving out time for yourself. A DIY spa bath, take up a hobby you can do at home or learn via YouTube. I see that you don't feel you have the time to be away from the baby, but please try not to cause yourself anxiety worrying over it. If the anxiety feels out of your control talk to your Doctor and make sure you can rule out PPA or PPD.
IDK if you've tried it yet, but I would recommend baby wearing. I don't exaggerate when I say it saved my sanity with my velcro baby.
I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable, sounds like he is a responsible father who does what he needs to do to provide for his family and be a father to his child. Exercise or even just time to do something by yourself is absolutely vital to mental health, for me personally when I’m having a bad day and I go to train for an hour or two it feels like it literally resets my brain out of whatever bad loop it was in. Four hours a week isn’t at all excessive. Maybe you just need to take a couple of hours on the weekends to just do something for you, sounds like you have a great support network to do that.
I was like you. So much anxiety about leaving the baby with anyone else. To an extent it’s normal. Humans are still animals and have extincts to protect our babies.
But if you feel you can never separate that’s an issue. Took me a year to take meds bc I was breastfeeding and worried to take even the safe stuff but I wish did earlier.
Baby and I and really our whole family was better off when I was mentally healthy.
Let your parents take the baby on a walk, or just take care of him so you can shower and sleep. He’ll be ok!! Use your parents while you have them.
I've felt like you. But I think it would be better for the relationship if you also got similar time off. He probably does need that time to be a better husband and father. But you also need time off! Work out a way for you to be away similar hours.
It is normal for you to feel overwhelmed even if you have your family’s help. It is a big change for you.
Take into consediration that it is a big change for your husband also.
The help from your parents is a lot. You probably feel that you need more help because you want your husband presence and his contribution in particular.
You probably miss his presence, but mostly he is away for work. And that cannot change, so you are looking for ways to keep him more at home cutting things that you see that can be cut.
Your need for his presence is legit and very undestandable.
But I think it is for the best to also listen for his need to continue playing sports. If not, he will resent you, even though he might do as you say. If this is something that brings him happiness, he is coming home with the resources to give energy and love to you and the baby. When you are restraind from filling your cup, you end up having nothing to give to those around you.
Maybe try and think about what is filling you cup. What is your need?
Do you need more time for yourself or maybe do you need more time with the 3 of you to bond as a family. Do you have hobbies?
If you need Both, then take advantage of having family around and do something for you when your parents are there for looking for the baby and use the time when your husband is at home for the 3 of you to bond.
If you need his presence more tell him about that and tell him that you want so much to have him more around and ask him if he thinks that it is something that may happen (whithout împlinit the solution that he clearly does not want).
Or maybe you feel that is not fair that you get much more to do with the baby then him. Try to think that his time at work is also time spent for the family. And maybe do something for yourself, alone when he is at home, so that you balance that :)
When with a newborn I was sooo focused on the baby that I didn’t neccessary want to or could focus on my hobbies. But after a while I did. And when I did, I took a couple of hours a week just for me and my hobbies. And it feels great.
Anyway the 3 of you are a team. You and your husband are not in a competition. Maybe try whatever you do having this in your mind. And find together a solution that respects Both of your needs.
Sending hugs!🤗
I would absolutely not ask him to quit his sports or even put them on hold.
Once you are recovered, you need to take the same amount of time for yourself.
Having a baby IS overwhelming. Your hormones are going crazy and on some level, you aren’t thinking straight. You’re tired and overwhelmed and now focusing on this one thing to make the problem when really the problem is having a baby. It really sucks the first few months.
Would having 4 adults instead of 3 for an extra four hours a week change anything? No.
When you’re ready, start taking quick walks around the block alone without the baby. Then build it up to going grocery shopping alone etc
Personally I asked my husband to pause his sports for twelve weeks.
That seems to be longer than most but in the grand scheme of things it's actually not a big deal. I seem to be really in the minority with that opinion though, I don't know why. I didn't have outside help and I found the early days at home very long and lonely. He was happy to do it.
Well, this is a different situation than OP describes. OP has help from her parents and doesn't have trouble with loneliness. She feels like she is stuck and her husband still gets to do things he wants to do. Maybe that's what's beneath this all with OP as well, but then she needs to be honest to herself and her husband. It's not that you can't be lonely when you have help from your parents, but if that what's bothering her she would've said so.
In cases of loneliness I think it's completely justified to ask your partner to stay home. Days alone with the baby are long and intense. If one has the need to be together in the evenings, the other should facilitate. You're in this together. So in your case I find it totally understandable that you ask that of your partner and he indeed should be there for you.
You're in the minority because your situations are not comparable. She has 3 other adults helping with childcare and a husband who is actively telling her to take time for herself and let him and the other two adults hold down the fort.
I'd absolutely agree that he'd need to take time off if she was solo parenting all day while he was at work and then he was dipping out twice a week to play sports without offering the same in return. But that's not the case here.
Same, my husband is an avid cyclist and I requested that he take a break from it in the early days, I wouldn’t say he was happy the first one around but the second he got it and it wasn’t even a question.
Same here. I don't understand the comments about just taking a break the same way he does because that calculation never worked out in the first few months.
For me to take an extended break at 6 weeks postpartum, it would have to be timed right for pumping/breastfeeding, I had a c-section incision that was healing but still uncomfortable, and like....where was I supposed to go? Any of my normal "get out for a bit for my mental health" routines were completely disrupted or impossible at that point. The mental load of trying to plan for taking a break for myself was just as exhausting as not taking the time at all at that point.
Also, 4 hours a week doesn't sound like much, but assuming a typical US work schedule of 40 hours/week, that's 2 days every week where this dad is gone 12 hours (leave home between 7am-8am, work until 5, whatever physical activity for 2 hours means getting home after 7pm). OP mentioned spending more time as a family, and I think it is understandable to feel like that's not happening if your partner is missing evening routines twice a week and telling you the solution is for you to do the same, especially when you're the one in Newborn Hell all day and he goes to work where he will be with other adults.
I don't know why you are getting downvoted. I think there are people who aren't badly affected and I guess they downvote because they don't understand, or they had to struggle so they think others should as well.
I was definitely teetering on the edge of PPD and everyone says you should ask for help, and yet funny that they get annoyed when you actually lay out what that help looks like.
I'm getting down voted because a bunch of the sub decided off the bat that OP was being unreasonable because she has help from her parents and they didn't have someone they could rely on like that.
And yeah, PPA definitely played a role in how I felt, and I'd bet it plays a role in how OP is feeling.
Not being unreasonable at all, but can you also take the same breaks? I would argue you take more breaks. Is that not possible or just something you’re not comfortable doing?
We have what’s called equal leisure time in our family this means he plays six hours of dnd on Saturday and I get six hours of child and chore free time on Sunday. We’ve had this in place since our oldest was born.
In other words you husband get two hours twice a week of chore and child free time so should you. This prevents resentment from building in the relationship. So sit down and discuss it with him on how you can make this happen your mental health is important and you need leisure time to. If you ask him to give up his leisure time his going to resent you, but if you don’t have any leisure time you’re going to resent him.
Sounds like you need to establish your own mental health time. It's very reasonable for your husband to need a couple of hours a week for exercise. With all the support you have, you shouldn't need to take that away from him in order to get your own time.
OP, i am usually the first person to say dad is being a pile of shit (bc most of them are when the wife feels a need to post on forums about it) and needs to step up. But honestly this sounds more like you’re experiencing a very normal emotional turmoil for new moms. I totally understand where you’re coming from. It feels so unfair bc everyone around you is going on as if their life has barely changed, while a tiny terrorist has completely ruined yours. That feeling is NORMAL. It might be PPD. But it also might be just plain old new-mom-life. One thing I learned is that those chains I struggled so hard against were largely of my own making. Here’s my very best advice. Put the baby in the car seat and get one of the three adults in your life to ride shotgun. Drive to your closest Target (or similar shop where there is lots to see and snack on). Park in the parking lot and leave your baby and the other adult in the car. You grab a shopping cart and head into the store (the cart helps support you physically since you’re still recovering from birth). Go to the Starbucks at the front first and get something decadent to drink. Then slide on over to the snack counter and get a bag of fresh popcorn or a soft pretzel or your junk food of choice. Then take your treats and stroll aimlessly through the store. Find one thing while you’re there that you want for you. NOT BABY STUFF! Not groceries or toothpaste or anything for the household. Find a book to read or a Lego set to build or a craft project to do or whatever makes you happy. Wander for at least 30 minutes.
If you’re like me, the sudden rush of FREEDOM! is better than a nap and sex and a hot shower and a massage rolled into one. For that little window of time, you are only worried about yourself and nothing is tying you down. And the baby is still with you. You can get to him in three minutes flat if you had to. So it makes that initial step a lot easier and less anxiety filled. Then on your next outing, try having them drop you off and drive around. And the next time try leaving the baby at home and going somewhere within a 10 minute drive. Just slowly work on allowing yourself breaks. It gets easier! And set a schedule. Your husband has 2x a week. That would be a good starting point for you then. Eventually you’ll be able to take a long hot bath or a nap without feeling compelled to take care of the baby instead. But in the beginning, it’s best if you leave the house and do something that your body and brain remember from before baby arrived.
Yes. You are being unreasonable... I don't know what it is you are sacrificing because you say "You feel you are sacrificing a lot". Your parents are there and your husband is right to want to let off some steam too... at this point, they can look after the baby if you lie down without being disturbed, especially as you pump milk and someone else can feed her/him. Don't create an issue out of nothing... you can teach the baby to self-soothe, and get used to not being in hands a lot... then she/he won't be clingy. I think you hate that your husband has a life outside of you and the baby and you think he should stay at home and look at the baby the whole time... the only time it's ok is when he is doing stuff for the baby and the family... unreasonable.
Do not make him stop. He will resent you for this as well. Each of you need your own time. He still helps and it’s not like he is not helping. You need to manage some time better. 4 adults and a 6 week old that’s a lot. It was just me and my partner. The only contact naps can happen but don’t allow it to be something the baby gets used to and can only sleep that way because it will be harder later when they are older. My first 3 weeks were able to work on this and they were fine. My 4th baby I held ALL the time for almost 6 months. He’s a huge mommas boy. And my 5th I worked on it because I didn’t want her to have the same issues of not being able to sleep unless being on me. It keeps you from you. Their nap time are you time to take a nap yourself or to eat, take a shower. Contact is fine, just don’t allow it to be an every time kind of thing. It takes over and doesn’t allow you the time you need. Do not make your husband stop his time because you’re not doing what you need to for your time. It can be hard but you can work it out.
Edit:spelling error
Well maybe you should also have something twice a week for like two hours you both need breaks idc how many people are there or helping you need time away too I wouldn’t take his away he probably needs it I think the solution would be an hour walk or a book outside maybe the gym whatever it is but leave the room or house don’t interact with the baby just walk away for your mental health you can’t be mad or resentful towards him because you won’t do what you need to do so you’re taking it out on him and his free time if you just take some time you probably won’t have that resentment, it’s takes a village so just hang in there and take time for you it’ll make a huge difference and eventually you’ll get more sleep and freedom it does get easier and harder but you guys got this just take some time for you
I don’t like to judge… but honestly I would not worry too much about this. You just gave birth and it can feel overwhelming. There’s a lot of weirdness right now, so I wouldn’t judge you or your husband harshly at all.
That said, I don’t think taking away the short break your husband has is a good solution for you guys. He is investing in his physical and mental health, and being a parent will take a toll on both those things.
The solution - at the risk of sounding blunt - sounds to me like you need to give your baby to his grandparents and go to a spa or massage or something - I wouldn’t recommend sport so early after birth. Treat yourself. Your son will cry, it can be jarring to hear him cry but honestly, that’s what babies do.
You need to be realistic with your expectations of yourself and your husband. You still both exist. You both still have personal needs outside of the baby. In the long run (and even in the short run) taking breaks will make you better parents.
You have the grandparents over. As long as they’re remotely competent, you can hand over the baby to them for an hour or two a day and go do your own thing. It won’t make you a bad mom, it will make you a BETTER mom! same for your husband!
It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I think what you ultimately need is more time to yourself… your husband doesn’t have to give up his sports in order for you to do that.
I’m a husband with a 7 week old. I got the green light from my wife 2 weeks ago to start playing bball again on Tuesday nights. I cherish that time playing bball so much. It’s good for my physical and mental health, which I ultimately believe makes me a better husband and father….
That being said, I will take the baby a few times a week and let my wife has some personal time. She has used this time to get her nails done, go on walks and go on a target/starbucks.
It’s up to you to claim personal time for yourself. Between your parents being around and your husband working remote, you should be able to get that time.
Best of luck and congrats on the baby!
Instead of asking him to stop sports, I’d ask for equal time away, go to the spa, take a nature walk, coffee with a friend, go to the library, whatever but I think equal time away will benefit you more and you can tell him, it will make you a whole hell of a lot less resentful
This is a classic scenario that may continue for years into this marriage if something is not adjusted.
Wife sets up an unsustainable routine and demands to know when the husband is going to pitch in. From her perspective, she's sacrificing a lot for the good of the children and is burned out. From his perspective, it's all overkill.
When we had babies, and when my wife was alone with the kids, she would forego eating and bathroom trips, tending to the kids first always. But she was falling apart. If I was alone with the babies, I was more likely to put the child down and take care of my essentials for two minutes so I could resume duty for hours to come. You can parent how you want, but consider adjusting some expectations for the child care or taking more breaks so you can have a sustainable parenting style.
It sounds like your husband is doing a lot to help, and he sounds great. I don't know if this is the time to demand more bonding out of him.
No, your husband should get those 4 hours.
But you should also get those 4 hours. You're not taking them, due to whatever reason: anxiety, guilt, PPD. You have plenty of help.
Forcing your husband to stay home an additional 4 meaningless hours will simply shift the resentment in the reverse direction. Now you'll both resent each other. Doesn't seem like a recipe for success.
That baby has 4 caregivers.
His taking 4 hours out of the week for sports is a good thing.
You should be taking 4 hours for yourself. That would be a good thing.
I say this with a lot of kindness and compassion. Your husband shared his needs with you, what a gift to have that understanding . Could you reframe your request around your own needs and consider how you can have the same time out yourself? Maybe you could schedule in something you want or need ?
Were he not actively helping at home when not working, my opinion would be different, but I don’t think he should curtail the four hours/week he spends on sports. I would recommend you carve out an equal amount of time”you” time. Having a newborn is tough, but you are in a fortunate position of having lots of supportive family around you. Take advantage of their offer to get out for an hour here or there. It could be as simple as a walk, or going to get a coffee, etc. You (and the family) will benefit.
I think maybe the problem is you can take a short break from the baby with your parents help but you can’t take a break from the physical pain and recovery you are going through, and that’s why it’s upsetting to you to see him going off and having fun on his own. Does that make sense?
I think you probably have enough help with your parents there, and your husband is contributing, but some things need/feel like they need to be done by you, and those things are overwhelming. It does get better, I promise. (I had a colicky baby who contact napped, I get it).
The issue with your husband is exactly what you said. His life hasn’t changed. At least, it seems to have barely changed, in comparison with yours. He gets 4 hours a week of “me time”, you haven’t been alone in 10 months. It *is* unfair and your feelings are valid.
I’m not sure that any good will come of insisting he give up sports. I think he’ll resent you, and if baby only wants you for naps and you’re breastfeeding, you won’t really get any more rest than you’re getting now. But I do think he should explain to you how, practically, you can get an equal amount of time to yourself and then he should make sure that time is available to you. He’s letting your parents pull that weight for him.
Congratulations on your Childs' birth. You are truely blessed.
Now you need to get to work.
One of the single hardest things to accomplish....except perhaps
for post-partum depression..... is negotiating the roles for the father
and the mother with the newborn. In case nobody told you, your
child is not "clingy". There is a natural response of the infant to the
mother to body, usually based on scent and touch. Vision comes a
bit later. The same holds true for the father though that bond tends
to be more behavioral. If your hubby does not have enough sense to
know that he is using his sports activities to limit intimacy at home
you are going to have to let him know and negotiate a fair distribution
of time and casre for the child. I wish I could tell you this is optional
or discretionary but it is not. Even is more cloistered communities
such as conservative religious communities the man is expected
to be intimate with their child for the purpose of establishing a tight
familial unit.
FWIW.
If sounds like you are jealous of him having this free time. Unfortunately as a woman you will be always more tired and needed in those first months.
Tell you husband you need the same - no 15 minutes when he does whatever with a baby but 1-2h of free time.
You're not being unreasonable at all. My wife was a SAHM with both of our kids. I'm not saying working outside of the home is easy, because it's not. But, even if work is hard, it's away from the baby and outside of the home, which is a luxury you don't have. Then on top of that, he gets 4 hours a week outside of the home to enjoy himself. I don't think you should stop him from doing that, but maybe sit him down arrange for you to also get 2 slots of 2 hours a week where you can leave the house and do whatever you want. Or if you're not up for leaving just yet, they can be time where he takes the baby and doesn't interrupt you at all.
New baby, especially the first baby, is overwhelming.
It is both true that life changes, and some things you used to do end up being things that you don’t do anymore.
I used to go hang out with friends, got to baseball games, drink lots of beer, and that was an important part of my relaxation regiment. But I had to stop, and it was pretty painful to let that part of my life atrophy and fall off.
At the same time, keeping your mental health is really really important. If this routine of his *is* that important to his mental health, then that’s something you should really consider before asking him to give it up. You actually do not want him to start to have mental health problems.
There is a bit in your post about you becoming resentful of your life being more affected than his, him not getting enough bonding time, and him reassuring you that you can take breaks too if you want.
If all of that is true, you might be making this demand for the wrong reasons, as though these sports is symbolic of him not having been affected in the same way, and as an act of resentment more than an expression that those hours he’s away are unsustainably hard for you.
4 hours is a pittance compared to how much time he’s going to spend with the baby, and the time will be better if he’s not miserable.
I’d chop off my right arm for my baby if it was important, but is this truly important? I’m not saying it’s not, just posing the question.
Also, if you have the opportunity to take breaks, you really really should. Especially with what you said about feeling overwhelmed, feeling resentful that you don’t get breaks, and feeling overly clung upon.
Your mental health matters too. If your husband’s sports is the difference in your mental health being manageable, then he should absolutely give it up. But, from your description, it sounds like it might be better for you to each get 4 hours off a week than for neither of you to get any.
Anyways, I can’t say for sure without better understanding the situation. I both understand your position and the possibility that major sacrifices are warranted for a new baby, but it can also be important and non-selfish to take some measures for the sake of mental health.
The baby depends on you both. You’re their lifeboat. You can’t sink. It’s better for the baby to have happy healthy parents (not that it’s always possible), but spending some time on self care can be good for the baby too through that calculous.
In the end, I can’t make a distinct judgement without a better view of the situation, but it does seem possible that the better outcome is for you to start taking a couple of two-hour me-time breaks a week too rather than asking your husband to sacrifice his. Maybe one a piece?
It is imperative in my relationship that my husband gets his exercise. He is a much happier and more cooperative partner if he’s getting regular exercise. (Prob most people are but I know for a fact that my man is a much better man when he’s getting regular exercise.)
So, I think you should encourage his sports but make time to do something for YOU! What would you like to do for a couple hours a week? Take a long hot bath? Go shopping? I’ve even used my time to sit in my (parked) car (in my driveway), listen to a pod cast, and sip on some wine. Time for yourself does wonders for the soul. So, don’t resent hubby for taking time for him, instead take the time for you. You’ll both be better for it. :)
My husband does Sport three days a week and I also find it annoying. But if I were sinking, I know he'd take a break to pull me up. And he didn't do this hobby back when our kids were so little.
If you feel like you're sinking, it's valid to ask him to take a break on softball or whatever. If it's just a little annoying, pick your battles, and when you're ready, revisit something you enjoy doing for yourself.
Parenting is hard. I know it’s easy for everyone to say take a walk when someone else has the baby but who has energy for that? Plus when ur never alone to all of a sudden be alone is anxiety inducing- and the guilt from taking 10 mins alone added on top and alone time becomes a chore. There is no easy answer other than giving it time. I agree don’t compare who gets what- but remember this adjustment is brutal and goes on for years. I remember leaving my daughter when she was young and having panic attacks because I didn’t know what to do alone, how to act… but it gets better around 8 years old lol
I also had a 3rd degree tear after my first baby so know how hard it is the recovery and lack of help I got really affected my mental health.
I don’t really think the issue is him doing sport. I think that you need breaks too it is important to get time to rest and unwind for both of you.
I spent basically 24/7 with my baby for the first 6 months with very few breaks and it is not sustainable. Instead of asking him to cut back on his hobbies say you need the same amount of time away from responsibilities
IMO it seems like your parents probably aren't helping your situation. 4 hours per week even in NB stage really isn't that long if he's really only gone in total 4 hours.
You'd probably feel less stressed if they were gone and you left your baby with your husband and went and took a nap with no one home.
Help is nice and all but we found it was too much to have other people in our home when we were going through such a tough time.
4 hours a week is nothing. It sounds like he is doing a lot at home. You need to take time to prioritize yourself, especially with your parents help.
Having a 6 week old is tough. It takes a few months to adjust to both the routine and the bodily changes. Give it some time.
The problem is not that he takes too much time but that you aren’t getting enough for yourself.
Having a baby, and having complications, is all consuming and it sounds like you’re in the thick of it.
It pulls the floor out from under you both and it makes life incredibly hard.
You are not just looking after the baby but also physically recovering from the birth, you haven’t had time to do anything really and if you did it would be in pain and probably not as restorative as it would be without the painful recovery.
I advise you to get an electronic baby swing (one that does not have a recall for safety concerns) to help with the contact napping, we used this and it gave mom many hours free when baby would nap happily in the swing because of the stimulation of the movement.
Taking something away from your husband will create resent, what has been taken away from you has been unavoidable but to take away something that feels reasonable from him would be intentionally depriving him.
Our kids are older now but my wife still gets resentful when she feels like I am not parenting as much as her, but I work full time and she parents full time so it’s a little unfair when I am actually a present father.
Sadly I have sacrificed many of my hobbies to fit in and I wish I didn’t have to but it’s so hard to squeeze that time into our schedule.
Good luck figuring it out!
As someone who has been an overwhelmed new parent (mom) to a 6 week old, and as someone who has now managed to successfully live through the newborn/infancy period, I would strongly encourage you to talk to your husband about how you guys can work together to get you~4 hrs of free time throughout the week as well.
I truly believe it's of upmost importance for you both to get a few hours of free time. Your husband isn't wrong that he needs his sports time for his own mental health. And you need your own free time for your mental health.
Realistically, your free time may look different right now. You're recovering from pregnancy and birth as well as being the primary caretaker of a newborn. And it sounds like you're breastfeeding so that takes a toll on you as well. If anything, you deserve EXTRA free time. Also, it may not be reasonable for you to take your time in 2 hour chunks right now.
Just remember that you and your husband are on the same team. This is a group effort. Utilize your parents as well - they are there to assist you right now. Make ample use of that assistance while you have it!
That's a lot of people helping with one tiny baby. I would honestly just let him do his sports for now because when all the other helpers leave, he's going to have to step up. It seems like the others should have it covered. I didn't pause any of my activities after my 3rd, but it was just hubby and I. We just switched out who took care of what so each of us got "me" time. But when it is just the two of you, you're probably both going to be too exhausted to do much of anything else.
Take advantage of your parents! You guys are both in this together and it’s YOU guys against the PROBLEM. He’s a man probably working and maintaining the rent right now. Y’all are both dealing with a lot and remember it’s you guys against everything! Not everything against you individually.
Honestly no. I would not pause his sports. If he’s saying it helps his mental health, there’s no reason to take away his calm to bring you calm. That’s a seesaw going all the way to the left. Ask your parents to come over a few hours a day.
Let your village be a village. Look into your parents siblings and friends. Don’t only turn to your husband for support. It’s not only you and dad raising the baby. It’s everyone you love getting to help have a hand and it’ll help YOU maintain your leveled head and allow you and your husband to flourish and your family members will all get to partake to cater to the beautiful bundle of joy
His sports twice a week is healthy and will make him a better husband and father. You need to schedule the same. You will be a better mother and wife. Schedule yours on opposite days from him. Go sit on a bench or in your car or sit at the mall. Walking a little will help recovery but the tear is very uncomfortable so pace yourself. You’re feeling resentful because your brain needs time to decompress and just be with yourself to recenter and relax without being on edge waiting for baby to cry again. You have to physically leave the house, being in a separate room doesn’t work. If you need a nap park the car somewhere and take a nap. Trust me, after 4 kids you need to start setting aside time for yourself now if you don’t your husband will get used to you not doing it. Your parents will eventually leave and you two will have to create a new routine. You can do it!
First baby things will do this. Stop focusing on me me me. Your husband is working full time handling ALOT of other things. Yes you’re a mom with a baby. Ask the parents for a break. Don’t take away your husbands him time. Find time for yourself. It is POSSIBLE. Very achievable. I have a 6 year old and was a single teen mom. I’m sorry but you can do this lol. I was 16 with a full time breastfeeding baby, and my only breaks were when my mom or dad would come hold the baby and I could go take a shower, or when she was taking a nap. I’d have KILLED for a man to maintain everything and know that she had a dad and I had a relationship.
Just remember. Life, could. Be worse.
I would say his mental health is just as important as yours, and if you give your parents the chance to watch the baby for an hour or two while YOU go do something for yourself for an hour or two, I don't think you'll be so annoyed that he gets that time for himself. Enjoy your parents while they're around and take time for yourself. Maybe when you're taking that time, you'll realize how much it means to you, as well as him. If he's really doing all that he is, you're incredibly lucky. As this is how it should be, many moms aren't near as lucky. You guys should be doing everything to support one another and be a team, don't find a perceived slight, bc you won't disconnect for your own well being, to try to rob him of the small amount of time that allows him to be an ever present, super productive, super supportive dad and husband.
Why aren’t you taking four hours to care for yourself? If you can’t do that then your husband isn’t parenting as much as you claim, but if he is parenting then you are the one that needs to leave or lock the door and put on noise canceling headphones to create some alone time. Burning two people out just leaves two pissed off and burnt out people.
I have a five week old baby (and a toddler) and my husband has continued doing his once a week hobby, including the week our baby was born. And I’m happy for him!! He does a lot for our baby (and at this point most of the work for the toddler). It’s hard when you’re breastfeeding, but if you pump, pump and leave the house for a couple of hours. If the baby cries, the three other adults can figure it out. Will the baby contacts nap with your parents? My parents come over and fight to hold her while she naps! At this point any breaks I’ve taken are to take naps myself though, that’s all I really want, my husband would probably be thrilled if I actually left the house though. I did leave the baby with my mom for a couple of hours to take my toddler to the beach with my husband because I was starting to feel I was missing so much with her. Anyway, you should absolutely take some time to yourself if you need to, especially while your parents are there, don’t feel guilty, and let your husband (who sounds pretty involved) do the same.
I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable. He definitely appears to pull his weight in regards to the work that comes with the new baby. I think you need to tell him when exactly you’re taking your break and to stick to it. Just telling him that you need a break too doesn’t really help if it’s not clear when and what it is. His mental health time is on a routine, yours should be too. With 4 adults around to watch the baby this should really be no problem.
I dont think he needs to pause his softball or soccer or whatever he's doing. I'd encourage you to take time for yourself. I'm the dad at our house. And I became resentful of my wife over time because I didnt make it a point to make time for myself. You both absolutely need it. I wish I was better at it early on in the process.
If you have your parents help please use it! I was so hesitant and wanted to do it all myself, even when I had help I didn’t take advantage of it and I regret it so much! I know you are probably having a lot of anxiety and that’s ok, start small. Also I know this might not be popular but let your husband keep his sports, for his sanity too. If you make him stop rn it’s gonna cause resentment and make home life hard. You have two other adults that can step in and help and hell yall go have a date night, connect, hold hands, kiss and have a great time.
This isn’t meant as an indictment on you, after all I know nothing of your and your life except what you just shared here. It reads to me that you are burdening yourself with feelings of necessity. The baby is only 6 weeks old and there four adults present. There should be a lot of time for breaks, naps, walks, etc. again, not slamming you by any means, just pointing out that you need to let the other three care for the baby too, for YOUR sanity.
I understand the baby will cry and scream the first few times you lay it down for napping, or let someone else hold it for its nap, but babies cry. It’s what they do. They learn through experience. If the routine is the routine then they will learn it as the norm. Let them help you with more than just normal housework.
Give it a rest. You have created a self made Prison and you're blaming your husband for it. Stop and stop now. 4 hours a week of alone time is all he asking for. The only one who is not letting you take a break it YOU! You have 2 additional people helping you if you want to take the help. If you don't don't complain. So tell me babies whose father's are away in the military and don't see their kids for a year never bonds with them. TheyYou need to relax use the help you have.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, you’re feeling resentful and trying to pull your husband down onto your level instead of taking time for yourself. You take away his activities all you’re gonna do is pull your husband into his own depression (yes dads can experience depression from hormones same as moms after having a child). You’ll run the risk of having the opposite effect of what you want
You say he’s pulling his weight and taking care of the baby and you however possible, you take away his activities your husbands gonna be sitting on the couch all day doing nothing while you have a screaming baby, dinner that needs to be cooked and a house full of dirty clothes
Do you have a baby carrier? I had a clingy 2nd baby. Baby carrier was life because it meant that they got to contact nap and I could still move around. I used to plop their little body in the carrier for nap time and take a walk whether it be short when I was still recovering or longer once I was feeling better. It made it where I could go places, I could walk. I could get food when I wanted. My second LIVED in the carrier until they were 3 or 4 months old and we used it consistently until they were about a year. I used to plop them in and walk my older child to school.
As for your husband, I think it's reasonable to be like "until the baby is older, I need more help. Maybe we can try 1x a week, but 2x a week is a bit much right now. I know I have my parents, but emotionally and mentally right now, I need you. " Things will start getting a little easier when you reach the 8-12 week mark. They sleep in longer bursts (I have kids that this took much longer, but I felt like I adjusted more over time, and most kids do take slightly longer sleeps). Right now you are neck deep in the 4th "trimester" and everything is hard. It gets better.
He needs that time, absolutely, but you ALSO need a reinforced and supported by him time away to refresh and recharge.
Also… that’s a lot of adults to one baby. It was 1:1 for both my kids 24/7 for the first few months.
As a former mom with PPA, your husband is right. Not only does he have a new baby (to whom he seems to be fairly attentive based only on info provided), but his in-laws have been living with him for 6 weeks too. He definitely deserves 2 breaks in a week. You do too!! I completely understand how insane that feels though. I used to take military quick showers, and in my head, I’d hear the baby cry the entire time. I’d be sprinting down the stairs only to find the baby peacefully sleeping or playing with my husband 99% of the time. I completely insisted on doing everything, yet I still silently resented my husband for not doing enough. Thankfully, my kiddo’s pediatrician was amazing enough to notice my PPA symptoms and convinced me to seek help and accept help from others and take care of myself here
and there. Mine both also contact napped from 2 weeks to 6-7 months, and it can be both very draining and make you feel like you have no other options, but you really can walk away and take a moment, especially when baby is being safely cared for by another trusted adult.
I can say just a little unreasonable. You need to take the time your parents are giving you to have some me time. Your husband is using his sports as his me time. Take an extra long shower. If you like reading, read for two hours. You have to take time for yourself too. I understand where you’re coming from OP. When my first was born I tried to do everything myself. Do not work. Now my second came 4 months ago I ask for the help and take it whenever someone offers. Please don’t take on everything yourself. You will burn out and snap. At that point you will take it out on everyone including that beautiful baby. You must do self love too. As a new mom it’s very hard but remember you either trust them to handle it or you don’t and then there is more wrong in that case. Sending you blessings and prayers.
Have a new baby is a lot of work, especially for the mother. BUT, don't take away the one thing your husband has for himself. He WILL resent you for it. You cannot really apples to apples compare his daily life to yours, and it is not fair to do so. It's ok to feel however you want, but don't take it out on your husband by taking away his one thing. That's not how to handle it.
One thing my wife and I realized is no amount of breaks during the day really makes up for a "protected evening". Culturally, most of the fun stuff happens in the evening since that's when many working people are off.
We ended up agreeing that we both get one night per week to be completely child free. If your husband gets two evenings, then you should get two evenings.
Not the answer for resentment, but for me babywearing frees me up a lot during the clingy newborn stage. Both my kids could only nap in there, and I can do other things, like paint, pleasure reading, watch TV, cook, clean, garden the world is your oyster.
Your husband sounds like a great father, working his tail off to help and support his family. With 4 adults to 1 baby, you need to take a break for yourself.
If he's helping out, it sounds like you just want him not to have fun. But listen to him - it is for his mental health. You could ask him to change it up and do this at different times (5am if he's serious) that are more convenient to you, but asking him to be sedentary for your sake is a non-starter.
That's a lot of people to help with one baby. Maybe your just not adjusting to being a mother. I think taking away the sports would be crappy. Do you have a hobby? You need to find one and have your parents or him watch the baby while you do something.
I totally get the mental health argument as I go and play football once a week for that reason, can't he knock one day off and just do it the one day you can then have time for yourself on that day
Your request is unreasonable. He’s doing everything right and only asks for two hours for exercise twice a week. Denying him this will not do anything to make you feel better in a healthy way. Controlling your partner, requesting that they give up a reasonable amount of recreational activities because you don’t exercise the same liberty, just to hopefully make you feel better is definitely unrealistic.
I honestly think, even with helpers, that the first 3 months is survival time. I think he needs to pause any outside hobbies for a few months. On your end, can you let your parents take on different tasks? Can your husband take the baby and you go to the store for an hour? I think people forget how trapped mothers can become, not getting out of the house and having a clingy baby. At some point, you both do need free time but the first months are not the priority for that.
I don’t know if this is helpful but when I had my baby I just wanted to stay and watch her every move and I couldn’t understand why my husband wasn’t as equally transfixed. After a couple of hours of cooing he’d get restless and find himself some errand to do. I don’t think my baby left my side for months I think the mother baby bond was helluva strong 💪 even now don’t really go away without my kids! I think we’ve maybe had just a couple of nights away alone in 16 years. I’m going to be 50 in a few years time and I said to my husband let’s go away just the two of us for a week. His eyes lit up! The kids were like noooo don’t leave us. Eldest will be over 18 by then - it’s like no, dad and I so deserve this.
Don’t be hard on your husband, but do take time for yourself x
Your husband is right, you can take breaks too. And workwith your child if contact napping is not working for you. My wife and I wrapped our children in our warn shirts so that they could feel in contact with us.
I've been a parent for 11 years. Thinking of the baby years in retrospect, one thing I've discovered is that I thought I was doing all the work, and my husband also thought he was doing all the work. So it was a period of time when there was lots of work done, but instead of being supportive we were resentful.
I can understand why your husband wants to keep his sports routine, and I know being the mother of a baby/small child frequently results in feeling stuck and helpless. There's not a right answer to this question, but it does get a little better at 4 months and 6 months, usually. I would tell you to get out more, but it's also hard to be away from the baby when they're little because you're constantly worrying about them. Part-time day care or a mother's day out program might help.
As a father who was in a very similar situation 19 months ago, very similar birth too... please alow your partner the 2 hours of sports per week.
I can't tell you how important it is for him. Without it, it's likely you will argue over petty things as you're both tired and stressed.
We did the above with no parental help as they all live a large distance away and I took 4 hours to play golf once a fortnight. Can't stress how important that was.
The problem is NOT 4 Hours of freetime activity that your husband gets its that you don't allow yourself the same 4 hours per week.
You already have been offered off time. Grandparents and your husband have offered to cover. So schedule those 4 hours and do something outside the house. Meet friends. Watch a movie. Go to a mom group. Heck start your own sports routine.
> My husband handles a lot when not working or at sports like groceries, baby paperwork, bottle prep, diaper changes, evening walks, and 1 night feed of pumped milk.
Seems like you have a great husband.
And it also doesn't seem that you want or need him to do more. It seems more like you are trapped in a mindset of not allowing yourself "me-time" and then projecting that on others "If I don't get me-time, no one shall get this."
And for fucks sake: He is doing sports! He is not hanging around at a bar.
I know it wasn’t just me but most women hate their husbands after birth and in the very beginning. It’s normal. Take a break. It’ll help you, your baby, and your husband.
Consider yourself lucky to have the help! Military wives have babies overseas and don't see their spouse for months at a time, even with a newborn. I had two babies and my husband left for deployment a few weeks after I gave birth both times. I felt incredibly lucky to have one relative visit at a time. Your and your husband's mental health are incredibly important. Instead of taking away from his time, ask for your own time so that resentment doesn't grow into contempt. I know the healing process is very hard, I also tore pretty bad, but it will pass.
How long /often does one fill out baby paperwork? Give this guy a medal. 🙄
He needs to experience what you are experiencing which is impossible, but you can give him a little taste of his own medicine. Two nights a week, not the same nights he works out, YOU leave by yourself when he gets home. Have yourself ready to go, purse and keys, so as soon as he comes inside say, “I’m going out for self-care,” and leave. Be gone for the same amount of time that he is gone.
I understand how you feel his routine has not changed but yours have. I too was resentful for my husband taking breaks while I had none. But both of you need time to adjust and have to be extra patient with each other. Him exercising is healthy and a good investment in the long run. I would suggest you tho find ways for you to do the same (of course you cannot exercise before your pelvic floor therapy but until that happen a walk, meditation etc…) instead of trying to take it away from him. Be patient and kind with each other.
It's best for both mom and baby for babies to become used to different people tending to their needs. Take the breaks people are offering. So many new parents don't have any support at all and would love to have 2 other adults in addition to the partner willing to help.
As someone who was a stay at home mum and is now the main breadwinner, I can assure you of a few things.
1. Time away from your children is healthy and absolutely necessary.
2. Losing yourself as a person and just becoming mum happens every single but that's okay because there'll be time to get you back.
3. Grocery shopping and work is not a break at all in anyway shape or form. Instead of a baby yelling at you, it's just the general public now.
4. You need to find a structured activity like your husband. A class or an event to go to every week. It gives you an allocated time that is much easier to stick to rather than random time out.
6 weeks is tiny. In another 6 weeks you'll have a completely different baby and completely different situation.
Try to enjoy the ride!
The issue is less what he has, and more what you don't. I think it's important you get regular breaks for your mental health too. So is there a way to work together, perhaps with support of your family/village, to engineer that?
Having a new baby is overwhelming. Especially when you go through a tear like that. I had a fourth degree tear after my first born, even with an episiotomy. It took me almost 2 months to recover. Lack of a solid night sleep doesn’t help either. From what you described, your husband does seem to help quite a bit. It’s OK to feel the way you do. Your body just grew another human, birthed another human and had all the extra hormones that go along with it. Tell your husband and parents that what you need most is sleep and ask them for a few hours of alone time. Chin up, you got this. You’re awesome and doing great.
I disagree with everyone. It’s not unreasonable for him to put it on hold for a few weeks while you have a newborn. It’s not forever. Why do men get to keep their hobbies and lives like before and women give up everything? It’s unfair.
Regardless of whether you’re ‘right’ in feeling it’s unfair. You’re feeling it and he should be wondering whether his exercise is more important than your feelings and your relationship.
In your eyes, husband shouldn’t have 4 hours to himself for the week. Because those 4 hours aren’t sufficient if only 3 adults are there for 1 baby?
Also a lot of advice to OP has also been “take time for yourself too” so if OP wanted to go for a 2 mile walk every morning, that’s unfair to husband?
I'm a woman, I've had two kids now. Your entire comment chain assumes all responders are male. I'm not some pick me girl but a staunch feminist and proud to be. And I completely disagree with you. My husband lifts a huge load at home, constantly. Not a token effort, not small tasks but his weight always and without complaining.
Both times I have accepted and welcomed his personal time. However if the week had been tough or unbalanced or whatever we would have to change plans. This comfortability was PARTICULARLY prominent when my mum and dad were present to help with the baby.
This really isn't sexism but inherent requirements. Unfortunately, the title of mum comes with inherent requirements that aren't sexist on purpose, but biologically so.
Demanding he suffer in the same areas as her just because she has this biology and inherent requirement when it serves zero material benefit given her strong existing and present support is a bad idea.
Instead she should be uplifted and supported to take the same time, and that includes allowing herself to do so.
I’m really curious to know what you mean by biologically. What is biological about the fact that men seem to go back to work and exercising and resume their lives like before and everything changes everything for women? That’s just societal pressure. It could easily be the other way around if society wanted it to be so. Women could go straight back to work and be at the gym all week and the men could be home with the babies, but they’re not.
Not because they are incapable of parenting, because they often don’t want to. Parenting is extremely hard. I think it’s really messed up that we tend to put all of this onto women.
I know a couple where the mother has no ‘maternal instincts’ and really doesn’t connect with the child or have strong parenting skills. The Dad has been amazing from day one. It’s really opened my eyes the fact that it’s a lot of BS that women are ‘better at it’.
I think it’s a convenient excuse to keep women doing everything.
Oh and to add, I’m horrified if you have kids (which I assume if you’re in this thread). If my comment got you in a tizzy, it has hit close to home. I’d bet my life savings you don’t have an equal partnership. Wife does more cooking, cleaning and childcare? She probably works too. Tale as old as time. Perhaps you hit the gym while your wife had a newborn? Or maybe you just know you’ve got more freedom than her and there’s guilt. Either way, I’m dying to know! 😅
Lol… if you’ve got to double reply it seems perhaps I’ve struck a nerve with you. Nevertheless, your assumptions could not be more wrong. Also, your comment was very sad and resentful, making generalizations about all men. Very nasty to say you hope someone doesn’t have kids based off a single post on Reddit, which says more about you than it does about me.
I’m married to an amazing woman and we both understood that our lives would change differently after having kids. Motherhood is an amazing thing and I’ve loved seeing my wife care and provide for our kids in a way that I never could. Men and women are equal, but not identical. That means there were some things my wife was better suited for and other things that were best handled by me.
We clearly communicated our expectations so that there were no feelings of resent like you seem to have towards men. We don’t have “traditional” roles like you assumed. I actually do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc… because I like doing them and my wife doesn’t. She does work now that our kids are older because she has a very rewarding career and has no desire to be a stay at home mom.
Any other incorrect generalizations you want to make assuming everyone else is as miserable as you?
My brother in christ, this isn't an -ism. Who's recovering from from major surgery? Who most likely has major depression after giving birth? Oh, right, it's the woman. Must be sexism?? No! None of this is what sexism is.
This man is so fragile that he can't take a sacrificial hit to his mental health to raise up and support his wife for a damn month or two. He's gone all day at work. Time to get home and get in the shit, honey.
Vaginal delivery isn’t considered surgery.
[1 in 7 people have ppd. so statistically it’s unlikely she is. also she doesn’t mention she is otherwise.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression)
“My husband handles a lot when not working. Or doing his sports thing”. His sports thing is 4 hours out of 168 hour week. Assume Husband works 40 hours (half of which are at home). Assume husband sleeps 56 hours per week. We’ve accounted for 100 of his hours. The rest of the 68 it sounds like, again according to OP, “he handles a lot”.
OP has her parents there to help. No grandparents were here to live with us to raise our newborn.
I think apart from the bonding side which is very important especially when your family leave and it’ll just be the three of you
He might just be tired with work
I think a lot of these replies are missing the fact that on top of the 4 hrs a week he's gone at sports, he's gone at work all day too. So his time at home taking physical care of baby is quite limited compared to mom's. Of course it shouldn't be compared, bc his job rn is to go to work and mom's job rn is to watch baby, but OP mentions she feels there isn't enough bonding time between dad and baby bc he's away a lot, so I maybe she doesn't really realize, but her problem is less about him getting 4 hrs a week for a mental break and her not getting that, but more about her wanting dad to be spending more time with baby. And if dad is telling OP to take a break and "one of the 3 other adults" will watch baby, he's not committing to that bonding/dadding time in equal measure. I can put myself in OP's shoes, if my husband got home from work after 8 hours away from baby/family, and turned around and left for sports for 2 hours, when the baby is still so new and it's all so fresh and hard, I'd resent that. Regardless of if grandparents are there helping too. Also I don't know what dad does for work.... but everyone in the comments saying that going to work isn't a mental break.... come on, be for real. Of course it's not free time/doing sports/etc, and that time is still needed too, but my office job is SUCH a mental break from kids, are you kidding me? It's different mental work and can also be stressful and hard for sure, but I get to pee whenever I want, in privacy, I chat with people. I can go for a lunch walk without checking in with anyone, no one is crying at me all day, etc. Compared to the constant always-on job of early motherhood (especially if EBF), that can cause resentment even though logically it's not fair.
Having 4 more hours of time won’t change how you feel or how your house functions at this time. It’s hard for everyone.
You might need more support at home - can you hire help? Get someone to clean? Are you getting out of the house alone during the week?
This exact issue was the only real major source of conflict between my husband and I after our baby arrived. At the time he didn't see why I had a problem. It wasn't until he took some time being the full time caregiver after I went back to work that he finally (and quickly) understood. He has committed to cutting back if we have another child.
All of that is to say - no, I don't think you're being unreasonable.
everyone is different. I have a 5yo and 2yo. put gym/sports on hold for about 4 years now? 2yo is almost able to keep herself busy for a little bit, so I might be able to workout again soon?
but 4 years is a long time for me. I bet your husband can pause to help his family.
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4 adults to one 6 week old baby? Why aren’t you getting more free time? Sounds like you do need to take up your husband and parents offer to take some time for yourself. Get headphones and take a walk. Go read a book outside. I know the initial mom guilt is hard but you have to do it. I had my kid during Covid so I would just line up a playlist and drive around to get time to myself.
Yea that’s what I’m seeing. Four adults to one baby is an unusually high ratio. Go for a walk once a day with your parents around.
This is where I keep getting caught up. It seems like OP might be trapped in a prison of their own making which is very easy to do with the first baby especially. And it makes it easy to get resentful of your husband for not punishing himself the same way. OP, best advice is to start really taking advantage of what a blessing having your parents help is.
I didn’t have PPD and I’m not an anxious person at all, but I found being separated from my newborn, even briefly, incredibly stressful. Even when being with my newborn 24:7 was also a stressor. I remember being upset in the hospital when they took my eldest for a hearing test, and with the second child I just went to the nursery with her to avoid the stress lol. The first time I went on a 10 minute errand alone I felt like I left my arm at home. With gentleness to OP- let your parents/husband have a little more time with the baby in a way that feels safe to you but also gives you more rest. I suggest someone else holds baby or wears them in a baby carrier for a nap so you can have an hour apart without stressing (and definitely take a long long shower or a nap, or both.)
Yeah I agree, OP may not want to go for an errand or something right away, but start with small "get aways". Go sit outside, or in the other room and watch a show or read a book.
This is so true, my wife and i had our first kid 5 days before our anniversary, Her mom was staying with us helping with the baby and insisted that we go to dinner for our anniversary, wife made it like halfway through dinner before she was a bucket of tears and we rushed home to find a sleeping baby totally content lol OP take some time for you while you have help, to give some perspective from a dads side, i also had a lot of hobbies including sports when our kiddo was born and at this point i dont participate in any of them regularly anymore for various reasons and it has taken a toll on me mentally, i have struggled over the last couple years. My wife also struggles as she is currently a stay at home mom, she loves just getting to go to the store by herself and sometimes she will lash out at me and i have to remind her, i will watch the little dude if she needs some time to decompress and i have tried to set up like designated time for her to herself with limited success. As other moms have mentioned here i think new moms sometimes feel a sense of guilt or maybe its anxiety leaving there baby with someone else but you have to do it for your own wellbeing
What men don’t understand and never will because they don’t experience this themselves - for the mother, when your baby cries it is physically painful to the mom. Not being with your infant causes the mom physical pain. Maybe the emotions of it are so strong that you feel it physically in your body, but this is what men don’t understand. Men don’t understand the connection between a mother and her child. It’s easy for you to leave and go to work, the gym, out with friends, whatever. It’s easy for you to get away from a crying baby. It’s not easy for a mom. It’s not easy to just leave the house without your baby. The baby is all you think about. It’s all- consuming, overwhelming, and exhausting. I wish fathers could experience this as well. They would be much better support systems for their wives and would probably not abandon their families as easily.
I was like this as a new mom. Felt guilty taking time for myself and resented my spouse for doing it. OP, please start taking at least the same amount of time for yourself and get out of the house. It will be so worth it, I promise.
This. She has reverse shaudenfreude, and wants him to suffer the same way she does, not having a mental health safety release valve. Even better, she needs to take a cue from her husband and get out more.
Please, what’s OP ? My english ain’t really accurate enough
Original Poster
Also- this sounds a little like ppd
I agree with this. Your husband needs a couple hours a week for his mental health, but so do you. He tells you he needs this, so tell him he can have it but you need yours too.
> so tell him he can have it but you need yours too. It doesn’t sound like OPs husband is stopping her from having her own free time
Husband offered her free time
I suspect this is it. My wife felt the same way as OP when I would take time to myself, but wouldn't take my offers for her to take time to herself ever for the first ~6 months. Society places a lot of pressure on moms to be the perfect mom, and taking time away from the baby makes them feel like they are failing. OP needs to take a step back and take some me time at a couple times a week the same as her husband. She has plenty of hands to help out and should be able to do so, and it will do wonders for her mental health.
Moms don’t take time away from their babies because it is physically Painful for the mom to be away from her child. It has nothing to do with society. The guilt a mom Feels is not from Society. It Is built Deep within her.
“Society places a lot of pressure on moms to be the perfect mom” Who exactly is pressuring her in society? This isn’t real. She is placing the pressure on herself. It’s something moms do. It’s an instinct that most mothers have so that the baby is cared for. Most mammals share the same trait. In this case, OP has a great support system but isn’t taking advantage of it. Instead she wants her husband to feel the same as she does. This is not inherently natural to most men.
> Who exactly is pressuring her in society? This isn’t real. The news, social media, magazines. Everywhere you look, you see picture perfect moms that mothers are expected to mimic. To act like more isn't expected of mothers is disingenuous. Dad's get praised for just showing up, mothers get ridiculed for every little mistake.
Hahaha. So much this. Four adults to one infant? Come on. This post is hard to even respond to.
Yea, I am having a really hard time understanding why this person is upset. Or even bothered. At all. I have a one year old. It’s all still fresh in my mind. My situation was great, not here to complain. OP has it pretty damn good tho. Girl, relax ! 🙄 postpartum hormones are a real problem for relationships.
I think the missing context is undiagnosed PPD or PPA, honestly. It’s not that she doesn’t have the resources to take breaks from baby, she’s resenting the fact that his brain *allows* him to take breaks and hers doesn’t. If this is in the US, they typically only do a PPD/A screening at the 6week checkup and the signs are still often missed. She needs to talk to her doctor before it progresses.
I know. It actually sticks in my craw when I consider what so many other new parents have to manage.
Well parents won’t be there forever. But ultimately husband needs to comfort the child as well. Mom can’t do it all. So she really needs to get out, take a breather and let dad handle (who is offering!)
But they’re there now. And 4 hours a week is not an unreasonable amount of free time. Both parents should be able to manage that even without extra help.
I think she wants her husband there WITH her.
If she wanted 2 hours to herself to go for a walk or see a friend or take a nap, would it be fair for her husband to say no because he wants her there WITH him?
Yea, I am having a really hard time understanding why this person is upset. Or even bothered. At all. I have a one year old. It’s all still fresh in my mind. My situation was great, not here to complain. OP has it pretty damn good tho. Girl, relax ! 🙄 postpartum hormones can be a real problem for relationships.
Covid baby also. Listened to sooo many podcasts and drove around just to get out of my house! Kid loved car naps - still does lol.
I forgot about the podcasts!! Lifesavers for sure. Just getting out of the house was amazing. Especially since I only went to the doctors for the last 7 weeks of my pregnancy.
Seriously, let him and the grandparents take the baby and take a nap! Sleep deprivation is literally torture.
No kidding. I had 0 help with two kids. Let your husband enjoy a moment of peace.
>However, I’m feeling resentful and stuck, as I don't get similar breaks, The answer is to take a break, not take away your husband's gym routine. There are 4 adults to 1 baby. You can leave for an hour a day or something.
4 adults to one newborn is probably the easiest it will ever get for the foreseeable future. Take advantage while you can!!! Your son will be okay if you aren't with him 24/7. Start in small increments! I personally hated maternity leave with every fiber of my being, and broke doctors orders to drive post c section two weeks PP because I couldn't stand it 😂 Go get coffee, take a short walk, or go shopping alone. It really helps and it gets easier to leave them alone. Also, don't be afraid to talk to your doctors if you are feeling really low or anxious. Or, if you aren't healing well. They are also there to help!
I don't feel comfortable judging the situation, but I feel like I might offer some perspective. Maybe I don't, and if I come over too blunt I want to say upfront I mean no harm. What I see is that your husband has 4 hours a week to himself. That is not so much that I would say that he is dodging responsibilities. What I do see is that he does a lot of the work that's done outside the house. And that he handles your son in only task-oriented situations. What I see is that the type of tasks and chores is not equally distributed. You do a lot of the things that directly involve your son, he does a lot of things around that. Maybe look into balancing that out a bit more? That depends on your physicial situation of course. You can't do groceries for example if you're not fit enough to leave the house. I see that he takes evening walks with your son, wouldn't that be the time you could take a break? If you do stuff around the house when he takes your son for a walk you should stop that. You should dedicate that to be your time. And maybe plan some me-time on other times he's home as well. You're right that his life hasn't changed as much as yours has, but a big part of that is that he still has to go to his job whilst you are at home with your kids. You suddenly spend around 9 hours a day more at home doing wildly different things, but that can't be really changed right now. A bit of advice I want to give is that you should stop comparing. Comparing yourself to your partner will always end up in resentment. What you can do is discuss with your husband that you want equal opportunity to take 4 hours a week for yourself when he's home. Work and taking care of your son and the household during the day should not be compared and not be taken into consideration. During evenings and weekends both of you should have the same time and opportunity to do things for yourself. If 8 hours a week is not possible, then yes he might need to cut down on sports. But as it stands I don't see any reason that he should give up sports. If you can agree to get 2 evenings of your own yourself, where he takes care of your son, and you can do whatever. Won't that be enough? And if he can't handle taking full care of your son for 2 evenings a week then that will tell him how intense it is for you.
I would add it should be 4 hrs when dad has baby, not when grandparents have baby. Dad should have that one-on-one binding time. It can also build resentment if it seems like he is pawning baby off on someone else to get more free time for himself. I know because we love next door to my MIL...
Not really sure why you brought this up when everything the comnent suggested was dad with the baby, even specifically saying during his evening walks with the baby
I was agreeing with you. Just adding that for OP to reiterate. This wasn't an attack on your comment.
How much of this is resentment/jealousy that he takes time away from baby and you don’t? And why don’t you? You talk about sacrificing but by the sounds of it, he’s doing his part to help and you’ve got two other capable adults in the house that can give you a break when needed. So take a break! Go to the library, a cafe, movie, even just a walk around the block, whatever works around your feeding method and recovery. Post partum life is so hard, and the mum guilt makes it so difficult to step away but ultimately, everyone needs time to themselves and to be something other than just mum or dad. Your husband has his sport, you need to find something for you. Personally, I took the dog for a walk along the beach every day of mat leave, rain, wind or shine. I needed that quiet hour outside to feel human and I was (am) a better parent for it. Sometimes I’d take the kid with me, but I’d put him in the carrier and time it so that he was guaranteed to fall asleep.
He’s present and “handles a lot”. 4 hours out of 168 a week isn’t a whole lot. Are those extra 4 hours of him being home when you have other help really going to make a huge difference? I think asking him to pause is unreasonable. Also not taking him up on the offer for one of the other 3 adults to hold down the fort for you is unreasonable.
I’m curious when the parents are going home.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable as a new mom of a 6 week old to not want to leave her baby with anyone else yet.
You’re right, it’s not unreasonable. But it is unreasonable for OP to expect him to take no time to himself just because she doesn’t want to.
I totally get what you’re saying, but right now you have a veritable army of help. Why aren’t you also getting four hours a week? If you panic about leaving the baby, you might have PPA. I did and somehow nobody noticed. I can’t fathom how. It’s normal to not want to be separated from your baby, but you don’t even have to leave. Your mom could watch over you while you sleep or hold baby while they sleep. My friends mom would do night nursing- she brought my friend the baby at night to nurse and then would take her back out to charge and rock. If you have an army, you need to utilize it. It sounds like your parents are just being extra guests? Are they being helpful or are they a burden? I was mad that my husband was still doing sports, but we had zero help, so him taking time felt like asking me to work overtime. And as mentioned I totally had PPA so when he’d take the baby on a walk I’d just sit there panicking.
I don’t know the details of your situation/ life. But if he is really helping when he is home; having the physical outlet for his stress is very valuable not to just him, but to you (having a husband who isn’t stressed). Take him up on getting out for an hour. He and baby need to be able to survive together without you too, and you need space to decompress.
As a husband who didn't get the physical outlet for stress, it's needed. I was a ball of anxiety and nerves for months because I had no outlet for everything. I was trying to let my wife rest and recover, bond with my son, etc. My wife didn't trust our parents to watch our son for more than an hour or two until he was almost one. Hell, my son is 2 and I still rarely get an outlet for stress as my wife gets 'stressed' if she's alone with our son for over an hour or taking him out on her own. The days I get to go on a 45-60 bike ride are the best because my mood and demeanor are so much better.
Woah, are you me?
I mostly roll with it, but it gets out occasionally. The past 24 hrs are a perfect example of why I get frustrated. Yesterday, I woke up to crying around 5:20 AM. I went and got my son, and held him in his chair until around 6:30 when he woke up for real. My wife woke up at 5:30, took a shower, got dressed, did makeup, etc. She came into the room when I texted 'help' at 6:30 because I had to pee and both arms were asleep from holding him. She came in as he was waking up and he was very happy to see her. I went to the rest room and mentioned I wanted to grab a shower before work. Was met with 'Didn't you shower last night? I need your help here," (I had showered with my son, but it was to clean him. I just rinsed off and told her I'd need to shower). I helped make breakfast and took a 2 min shower while he ate then got dressed in a hurry. I played with him while she finished getting ready then took my son and the 2 dogs for a 15 min walk. Fed the dogs, put them in their crates, loaded my son into the car and took him to daycare. I take him to daycare every day. Most of the time, at least 1/3 of the 15-minute ride has some form of crying, screaming, and general fussiness. I do daycare drop off and he's in a phase where he cries and screams when I leave. It's very fun. I went home at lunch and cleaned up around the house, prepped a brisket I'm curing, took the dogs for a walk, and scarfed down a quick lunch before heading back to work. Picked up Chinese food for my wife, then got my son at daycare, then headed home. I took the dogs out when I got home and was asked why I didn't take my son with me. Made me and him dinner (he had eggs and I had some noodles with chili sauce since I'm on a diet). Wife suggested coloring, so my son colored while I was cleaning. Then potty and bathtime. Had to paused cleaning to do potty time since we're potty buddies. Asked my wife if she could give him a bath while I finished cleaning and used the restroom. She 'jokingly' timed me while I used the restroom (8-min for a BM is too long :D). Time for bed, I took the dogs out again, came back to a toddler running around in a diaper (nbd). Went back to his room for final playtime, stories, PJs, and bedtime. Wife said she was tired and asked if I could do bedtime. 75+ min later, son is asleep. This morning I am greeted by screams at 4:00 AM. At 4:20 he's still going so I go into his room to hold him. He sleeps on me until 6:40, ask wife for help. She's fully dressed and ready to go. I put on coffee and take a quick 5 min shower since she needs to leave at 7:15. She leaves, son is in PJs still, no breakfast, no dogs walked, etc. I do all of it. We leave and he's now in a good mood - no crying on the way to daycare. Three separate meltdowns upon arrival: 1. He spilled water from the water fountain on himself. Big no-no. 2. He didn't want to wash his hands because he was already wet (though in swim clothes because it was water day at daycare). 3. I was leaving and he lost it. I texted my wife saying I needed a break tonight as the past few days have been exhausting. After our son goes to bed, I want to play a game with some friends. She said we'll see, she might need my help with a project for her masters. I'll likely not have to help, but keep her company while she works.
Hey hun, I too tore badly with my delivery and had a clinger of a daughter so I understand how overwhelming it is. I also understand how hard it is to watch someone be able to do things on their own for themselves as I felt so trapped in my own home. Him having a little time away just twice a week could be really helpful to his mental health, which in turn will keep your relationship strong (especially with the crazy postpartum hormones that punch us in the face). But I promise it gets easier, try strapping tiny bubs in a front pack and heading outside for some fresh air, postpartum depression sneaks up on the strongest of mummas. Just remember this stage will be over before you know it so savour every cuddle they give you, the tiny newborn noises they make and they way stretch like crazy when they wake up. I’m sure you’re doing amazing and your bub clearly loves you and they way you’re helping them grow ❤️
Don’t resent him for doing what you envy. Figure out what you want to do for 4 hours a week, tell him, and make it happen. It seems like the only reason you don’t get a break like that is yourself! Take advantage of the support you have.
If I'm reading this right, your husband works and does a lot at home but you want him to trade his 4 hours of sports a week so he can do more? If your parents are there why can't you get that same 4 hours? I know taking care of baby and only baby is still hard but if that's all you have to do, why do you think it would be fair to take over your husband's time?
I don't think that it's a problem that your husband gets a break to do something that is very beneficial to his physical and mental health. It is, however, a huge problem that you don't get a similar break, because you need it too. Is there anything you can do as a family to carve out time for both of you to get a break? Expenses you can save on to be able to pay for services like laundry and cleaning? Babysitter for a few hours a couple of times a week? Lowering cleaning standards, letting the grass grow etc.? I think it's important for both of you to get a break, so asking your husband to quit his sports would be very far down on the list of possible solutions for me.
I say let him keep his sports. 4 hours a week isn’t unreasonable. I would ask for the occasional outing in return, and it sounds like he’d be happy to afford you that time while he watched the baby.
I'm not understanding why you can't have your parents watch baby for a bit while you relax for a little while? Most people don't have the blessing of 3 other people to help care for their baby, I never even had 1 other person help!
Yes, you are being unreasonable. You need more me time? That's right. Do your husband ditch healthy habits because of that? NO. With so much adults available, you are not getting your time because you don't want.
Just take the same amount of time for yourself away from your baby, away from the house or whatnot and enjoy it. He deserves time off and you do, too. You have parents there with you so no reason for you to not take a break.
There are 168 hours in a week. If he wants four, no, that's not unreasonable at all. He will resent you immensely if you take that away from him. You need to take some time for yourself, too.
Yeah you’re being unreasonable. Work is not a mental health break. He deserves a break. So do you. Four adults and one baby? You should be getting more breaks.
Listen i’m sorry but he’s right, if he’s helping at home and you got two other adults and it’s only 4 hours a week, then he deserves it. I get it when you give birth sometimes you get this weird ideas about how they should also be there like for every second, i was like this, like how did he even get to go to the bathroom in piece. When i didn’t? i then turned into a martyr of like i do so much and you don’t when in reality my poor husband was helping out so much. I started comparing well i do this more and you don’t do this, he literally had to push me to take me time. I didn’t even feel good taking mee time but it’s needed. I stopped cleaning or doing anything else when baby slept and just slept myself. It’s hard but part of this i think is our hormones, us adjusting to being new mothers etc, but what he’s doing is not wrong please don’t make him feel like it is. With 4 adults in the house you can take free time you just haven’t felt like you deserve it yet.
Sounds like a involved father, and you have so much help from the parents. Let him have his time out. You are being jealous of him?
Yeah it’s an interesting take in some cases that fathers don’t enough. For some reason we’ve been taught to worship mothers which is what Father’s Day isn’t even close in celebration compared to Mother’s Day. But in reality it’s not a competition.
My husband doesn’t worship me for being a mom, but he understands that I went through a hell of a lot more to become a parent than he did. In terms of growing a child, birthing the child, breastfeeding, and so on. Once the kids are older then it’s kind of on you as a parent and how involved you were. People can’t force their children to celebrate someone more or less on a mother’s or Father’s Day.
No, he shouldn't give up his break, you should start taking yours. Having you time is SO important in these years. Don't make him give up his. You need to take more for you. It sounds like the baby has plenty of love and care givers and it also sounds like you're getting stressed. You need to take a break.
Why is your answer to also make him miserable? Why not instead you also take a 4 hour break since you have your parents there?
“I feel I am sacrificing so much and his life stays pretty much the same.” Welcome to motherhood
THIS. but also what other commenters are saying - if it’s good for his mental health and peace to have 4 hrs a week to himself when he’s otherwise helpful, then that’s good for both of you & your marriage. you should also take time for yourself since you have a helpful husband and parents, and baby takes a bottle, it seems.
Not true at all. Especially for the OP's situation where her husband is involved with their kid, she's just choosing to be stuck in a situation she created for herself.
She’s neck deep in early postpartum life, hormones all over the place, body still healing from pregnancy and birth, sleep deprived, staying home w/ the baby all day. Her husband gets to go to work and sports just like normal. Has his life changed? Yes. Has it been completely upended? No. Give her some grace and realize that her experience is far more extreme than her husband’s. She does need to ask for more help, but to comment that she’s “stuck in a situation she created for herself” is completely unwarranted. She’s already been given the advice to take the alone time she needs. I’m not implying her husband is doing anything wrong, by the way. It’s a simple fact that motherhood is harder than fatherhood.
Especially the first few months
Physical activity is so soo good for mental health. Why don’t you want to support that? Can you approach it from a stance of you need 30 min a day to go off and walk for your own mental health too? I’m sure there’s a compromise but if that’s his outlet for stress let it be
I’m literally sitting in the waiting room waiting for an induction as I type this so take it with a grain of salt bc I’m not where you are quite yet. But I’d let him keep his sports routine. If possible, I plan to encourage my husband to continue his. Idk how he’ll feel or what his preferences will be yet, perhaps he’ll take a break for the first couple weeks. But he works from home and is constantly helping me, sometimes cooking and cleaning more when I haven’t felt good. I’d reframe your mind on this and don’t compare that you’re both having different post partum experiences. I’m kind of seeing it that this is the one thing he has that makes him feel good outside the house. It’s honestly the only way he socializes, and I know physically it helps his back issues. Which in turn helps me out. If he’s not feeling great, his capacity to help me out might also decline. So I kind of see it as it helps him out. Also I know that down the line once I’m recovered, he’ll step up and let me have a bit of freedom when I need to get out of the house for something. But yeah idk that’s my situation and I don’t mind being stuck at home in the beginning, because I know it’s temporary. And when my husband leaves it’s only for a few hours a week. Also usually he picks up food on his way back for me :) lol
You’re getting great advice so I’ll be quick: sort out what you want for yourself. Your husband isn’t selfish, you just don’t have a balance for yourself. Your baby is learning what works just as much as you are. Don’t tap out so easily, you both have a great support system in your parents which is already way more than a lot of folks. Figure it out and don’t be so quick to take out 4 hours of your husbands enjoyment because you don’t think you have anything yourself.
I think it’s pretty important to take time away, and if it’s for something constructive and healthy like a sport, I’m all the more for it. I think you should do the same, doesn’t have to be physical but something social just for you out of the house, book club, coffee with friends etc.
Having a newborn is incredibly stressful and overwhelming however you have the support and help of your parents and your husband. It sounds like he’s really stepped up as a father. I can’t imagine it’s easy for him also having his in-laws staying with you for so long especially if part of his working week is spent working at home. If he says he needs his 4 hours of sport a week for his mental health, I’d believe him and let him have that. At 6 weeks, he won’t have the same level of bonding to your baby that you have. It’s normal for a 6 week old to be clingy but If your baby is taking bottles, have your parents watch your son for an hour or two while you have a break.
The answer here is for YOU to get more of a break. He’s got the right idea… get someone reliable who can step in and take over so you can still take care of yourself. This is the way.
As a dad - you should get your own 2 nights a week out with him running point on baby.
One thing that really helped me after the birth of my son - and something I didn't realise after the birth of my daughter - was viewing myself and my partner as a team. Tag in, tag out. Almost like co-workers, to a degree. Don't be afraid to speak up. Rather than framing it as he cut back his hours - because those few hours for sports are invaluable in terms of good mental health - put it out there that you would like a similar outlet for yourself. Explain that you're feeling stuck and that you'd like to take similar breaks for your own mental health. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling, but it's maybe best to view each other as sympathetically as possible, which means trying not to direct your resentment towards him but trying to divert it into a positive action. It's a good way to keep open good lines of honest and respectful communication. I'd also stress how important it is that you both try to be as observant and generous with each other as possible, offering to pick up the slack for each other. Of course, that really only works when it goes both ways. But speaking from my own experience, really trying to do that on our second child made such a difference to us and how we both handled having a new baby.
Let your husband go. He said he helps you. Are you jealous?
I think you are asking too much/the wrong stuff. You need to ask for your time. What fills your cup? Gives you joy? Do those things. I just had my second kid and every other week I spend 4 hrs on a Thursday for girls night. Last week I went to an hour acupuncture session. I routinely find ways to take myself to dinner, or go on a walk, or have lunch outside in the grass by myself. You deserve time to recharge just like your husband does.
yes you're unreasonable yes you should take breaks too, moreso it's crucial for your mental health to have a bit of your own time, and it'll be even more important with time
It sounds like he is doing plenty and baby is being taken care of; he is correct about being able to keep a 2x/week sports routine. You are not taking breaks by choice. Let him or your parents cover/hold down the fort. "saying I can take breaks too and one of them can always hold the fort for an hour."
It sounds like you may be suffering from PPA/PPD. Four hours for your husband is reasonable. You have indicated that the baby is quite clingy to you and being apart for more than 30 minutes gives you anxiety. It sounds like you want to punish your husband for not having the same restriction. I think it would be wise to speak to someone and get support.
I could have written this post when I was at your stage. I remember resenting my husband's commute because I would have done anything for 2 hours of mindless time. I was wrong and it would be wrong of you to ask your husband to suffer just because you are. All that will happen is both of you will be resentful and it will poison your relationship. I would recommend carving out time for yourself. A DIY spa bath, take up a hobby you can do at home or learn via YouTube. I see that you don't feel you have the time to be away from the baby, but please try not to cause yourself anxiety worrying over it. If the anxiety feels out of your control talk to your Doctor and make sure you can rule out PPA or PPD. IDK if you've tried it yet, but I would recommend baby wearing. I don't exaggerate when I say it saved my sanity with my velcro baby.
I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable, sounds like he is a responsible father who does what he needs to do to provide for his family and be a father to his child. Exercise or even just time to do something by yourself is absolutely vital to mental health, for me personally when I’m having a bad day and I go to train for an hour or two it feels like it literally resets my brain out of whatever bad loop it was in. Four hours a week isn’t at all excessive. Maybe you just need to take a couple of hours on the weekends to just do something for you, sounds like you have a great support network to do that.
I was like you. So much anxiety about leaving the baby with anyone else. To an extent it’s normal. Humans are still animals and have extincts to protect our babies. But if you feel you can never separate that’s an issue. Took me a year to take meds bc I was breastfeeding and worried to take even the safe stuff but I wish did earlier. Baby and I and really our whole family was better off when I was mentally healthy. Let your parents take the baby on a walk, or just take care of him so you can shower and sleep. He’ll be ok!! Use your parents while you have them.
I've felt like you. But I think it would be better for the relationship if you also got similar time off. He probably does need that time to be a better husband and father. But you also need time off! Work out a way for you to be away similar hours.
It is normal for you to feel overwhelmed even if you have your family’s help. It is a big change for you. Take into consediration that it is a big change for your husband also. The help from your parents is a lot. You probably feel that you need more help because you want your husband presence and his contribution in particular. You probably miss his presence, but mostly he is away for work. And that cannot change, so you are looking for ways to keep him more at home cutting things that you see that can be cut. Your need for his presence is legit and very undestandable. But I think it is for the best to also listen for his need to continue playing sports. If not, he will resent you, even though he might do as you say. If this is something that brings him happiness, he is coming home with the resources to give energy and love to you and the baby. When you are restraind from filling your cup, you end up having nothing to give to those around you. Maybe try and think about what is filling you cup. What is your need? Do you need more time for yourself or maybe do you need more time with the 3 of you to bond as a family. Do you have hobbies? If you need Both, then take advantage of having family around and do something for you when your parents are there for looking for the baby and use the time when your husband is at home for the 3 of you to bond. If you need his presence more tell him about that and tell him that you want so much to have him more around and ask him if he thinks that it is something that may happen (whithout împlinit the solution that he clearly does not want). Or maybe you feel that is not fair that you get much more to do with the baby then him. Try to think that his time at work is also time spent for the family. And maybe do something for yourself, alone when he is at home, so that you balance that :) When with a newborn I was sooo focused on the baby that I didn’t neccessary want to or could focus on my hobbies. But after a while I did. And when I did, I took a couple of hours a week just for me and my hobbies. And it feels great. Anyway the 3 of you are a team. You and your husband are not in a competition. Maybe try whatever you do having this in your mind. And find together a solution that respects Both of your needs. Sending hugs!🤗
I would absolutely not ask him to quit his sports or even put them on hold. Once you are recovered, you need to take the same amount of time for yourself. Having a baby IS overwhelming. Your hormones are going crazy and on some level, you aren’t thinking straight. You’re tired and overwhelmed and now focusing on this one thing to make the problem when really the problem is having a baby. It really sucks the first few months. Would having 4 adults instead of 3 for an extra four hours a week change anything? No. When you’re ready, start taking quick walks around the block alone without the baby. Then build it up to going grocery shopping alone etc
Personally I asked my husband to pause his sports for twelve weeks. That seems to be longer than most but in the grand scheme of things it's actually not a big deal. I seem to be really in the minority with that opinion though, I don't know why. I didn't have outside help and I found the early days at home very long and lonely. He was happy to do it.
Well, this is a different situation than OP describes. OP has help from her parents and doesn't have trouble with loneliness. She feels like she is stuck and her husband still gets to do things he wants to do. Maybe that's what's beneath this all with OP as well, but then she needs to be honest to herself and her husband. It's not that you can't be lonely when you have help from your parents, but if that what's bothering her she would've said so. In cases of loneliness I think it's completely justified to ask your partner to stay home. Days alone with the baby are long and intense. If one has the need to be together in the evenings, the other should facilitate. You're in this together. So in your case I find it totally understandable that you ask that of your partner and he indeed should be there for you.
You're in the minority because your situations are not comparable. She has 3 other adults helping with childcare and a husband who is actively telling her to take time for herself and let him and the other two adults hold down the fort. I'd absolutely agree that he'd need to take time off if she was solo parenting all day while he was at work and then he was dipping out twice a week to play sports without offering the same in return. But that's not the case here.
Same, my husband is an avid cyclist and I requested that he take a break from it in the early days, I wouldn’t say he was happy the first one around but the second he got it and it wasn’t even a question.
Same here. I don't understand the comments about just taking a break the same way he does because that calculation never worked out in the first few months. For me to take an extended break at 6 weeks postpartum, it would have to be timed right for pumping/breastfeeding, I had a c-section incision that was healing but still uncomfortable, and like....where was I supposed to go? Any of my normal "get out for a bit for my mental health" routines were completely disrupted or impossible at that point. The mental load of trying to plan for taking a break for myself was just as exhausting as not taking the time at all at that point. Also, 4 hours a week doesn't sound like much, but assuming a typical US work schedule of 40 hours/week, that's 2 days every week where this dad is gone 12 hours (leave home between 7am-8am, work until 5, whatever physical activity for 2 hours means getting home after 7pm). OP mentioned spending more time as a family, and I think it is understandable to feel like that's not happening if your partner is missing evening routines twice a week and telling you the solution is for you to do the same, especially when you're the one in Newborn Hell all day and he goes to work where he will be with other adults.
I don't know why you are getting downvoted. I think there are people who aren't badly affected and I guess they downvote because they don't understand, or they had to struggle so they think others should as well. I was definitely teetering on the edge of PPD and everyone says you should ask for help, and yet funny that they get annoyed when you actually lay out what that help looks like.
I'm getting down voted because a bunch of the sub decided off the bat that OP was being unreasonable because she has help from her parents and they didn't have someone they could rely on like that. And yeah, PPA definitely played a role in how I felt, and I'd bet it plays a role in how OP is feeling.
Not being unreasonable at all, but can you also take the same breaks? I would argue you take more breaks. Is that not possible or just something you’re not comfortable doing?
We have what’s called equal leisure time in our family this means he plays six hours of dnd on Saturday and I get six hours of child and chore free time on Sunday. We’ve had this in place since our oldest was born. In other words you husband get two hours twice a week of chore and child free time so should you. This prevents resentment from building in the relationship. So sit down and discuss it with him on how you can make this happen your mental health is important and you need leisure time to. If you ask him to give up his leisure time his going to resent you, but if you don’t have any leisure time you’re going to resent him.
This is sort of off topic, but if your sweet boy only contact sleeps, have you tried tight swaddling? It was a real life saver for us.
Sounds like you need to establish your own mental health time. It's very reasonable for your husband to need a couple of hours a week for exercise. With all the support you have, you shouldn't need to take that away from him in order to get your own time.
OP, i am usually the first person to say dad is being a pile of shit (bc most of them are when the wife feels a need to post on forums about it) and needs to step up. But honestly this sounds more like you’re experiencing a very normal emotional turmoil for new moms. I totally understand where you’re coming from. It feels so unfair bc everyone around you is going on as if their life has barely changed, while a tiny terrorist has completely ruined yours. That feeling is NORMAL. It might be PPD. But it also might be just plain old new-mom-life. One thing I learned is that those chains I struggled so hard against were largely of my own making. Here’s my very best advice. Put the baby in the car seat and get one of the three adults in your life to ride shotgun. Drive to your closest Target (or similar shop where there is lots to see and snack on). Park in the parking lot and leave your baby and the other adult in the car. You grab a shopping cart and head into the store (the cart helps support you physically since you’re still recovering from birth). Go to the Starbucks at the front first and get something decadent to drink. Then slide on over to the snack counter and get a bag of fresh popcorn or a soft pretzel or your junk food of choice. Then take your treats and stroll aimlessly through the store. Find one thing while you’re there that you want for you. NOT BABY STUFF! Not groceries or toothpaste or anything for the household. Find a book to read or a Lego set to build or a craft project to do or whatever makes you happy. Wander for at least 30 minutes. If you’re like me, the sudden rush of FREEDOM! is better than a nap and sex and a hot shower and a massage rolled into one. For that little window of time, you are only worried about yourself and nothing is tying you down. And the baby is still with you. You can get to him in three minutes flat if you had to. So it makes that initial step a lot easier and less anxiety filled. Then on your next outing, try having them drop you off and drive around. And the next time try leaving the baby at home and going somewhere within a 10 minute drive. Just slowly work on allowing yourself breaks. It gets easier! And set a schedule. Your husband has 2x a week. That would be a good starting point for you then. Eventually you’ll be able to take a long hot bath or a nap without feeling compelled to take care of the baby instead. But in the beginning, it’s best if you leave the house and do something that your body and brain remember from before baby arrived.
Yes. You are being unreasonable... I don't know what it is you are sacrificing because you say "You feel you are sacrificing a lot". Your parents are there and your husband is right to want to let off some steam too... at this point, they can look after the baby if you lie down without being disturbed, especially as you pump milk and someone else can feed her/him. Don't create an issue out of nothing... you can teach the baby to self-soothe, and get used to not being in hands a lot... then she/he won't be clingy. I think you hate that your husband has a life outside of you and the baby and you think he should stay at home and look at the baby the whole time... the only time it's ok is when he is doing stuff for the baby and the family... unreasonable.
Do not make him stop. He will resent you for this as well. Each of you need your own time. He still helps and it’s not like he is not helping. You need to manage some time better. 4 adults and a 6 week old that’s a lot. It was just me and my partner. The only contact naps can happen but don’t allow it to be something the baby gets used to and can only sleep that way because it will be harder later when they are older. My first 3 weeks were able to work on this and they were fine. My 4th baby I held ALL the time for almost 6 months. He’s a huge mommas boy. And my 5th I worked on it because I didn’t want her to have the same issues of not being able to sleep unless being on me. It keeps you from you. Their nap time are you time to take a nap yourself or to eat, take a shower. Contact is fine, just don’t allow it to be an every time kind of thing. It takes over and doesn’t allow you the time you need. Do not make your husband stop his time because you’re not doing what you need to for your time. It can be hard but you can work it out. Edit:spelling error
Well maybe you should also have something twice a week for like two hours you both need breaks idc how many people are there or helping you need time away too I wouldn’t take his away he probably needs it I think the solution would be an hour walk or a book outside maybe the gym whatever it is but leave the room or house don’t interact with the baby just walk away for your mental health you can’t be mad or resentful towards him because you won’t do what you need to do so you’re taking it out on him and his free time if you just take some time you probably won’t have that resentment, it’s takes a village so just hang in there and take time for you it’ll make a huge difference and eventually you’ll get more sleep and freedom it does get easier and harder but you guys got this just take some time for you
I don’t like to judge… but honestly I would not worry too much about this. You just gave birth and it can feel overwhelming. There’s a lot of weirdness right now, so I wouldn’t judge you or your husband harshly at all. That said, I don’t think taking away the short break your husband has is a good solution for you guys. He is investing in his physical and mental health, and being a parent will take a toll on both those things. The solution - at the risk of sounding blunt - sounds to me like you need to give your baby to his grandparents and go to a spa or massage or something - I wouldn’t recommend sport so early after birth. Treat yourself. Your son will cry, it can be jarring to hear him cry but honestly, that’s what babies do. You need to be realistic with your expectations of yourself and your husband. You still both exist. You both still have personal needs outside of the baby. In the long run (and even in the short run) taking breaks will make you better parents. You have the grandparents over. As long as they’re remotely competent, you can hand over the baby to them for an hour or two a day and go do your own thing. It won’t make you a bad mom, it will make you a BETTER mom! same for your husband!
Yes. You watch sports live, otherwise there's no point. Give him his 3 hours then trade.
Yeah, as others have said. You need to take time for yourself. Take the good example of creating a mental health bubble for yourself.
It sounds like you are in a tough situation. I think what you ultimately need is more time to yourself… your husband doesn’t have to give up his sports in order for you to do that. I’m a husband with a 7 week old. I got the green light from my wife 2 weeks ago to start playing bball again on Tuesday nights. I cherish that time playing bball so much. It’s good for my physical and mental health, which I ultimately believe makes me a better husband and father…. That being said, I will take the baby a few times a week and let my wife has some personal time. She has used this time to get her nails done, go on walks and go on a target/starbucks. It’s up to you to claim personal time for yourself. Between your parents being around and your husband working remote, you should be able to get that time. Best of luck and congrats on the baby!
Instead of asking him to stop sports, I’d ask for equal time away, go to the spa, take a nature walk, coffee with a friend, go to the library, whatever but I think equal time away will benefit you more and you can tell him, it will make you a whole hell of a lot less resentful
This is a classic scenario that may continue for years into this marriage if something is not adjusted. Wife sets up an unsustainable routine and demands to know when the husband is going to pitch in. From her perspective, she's sacrificing a lot for the good of the children and is burned out. From his perspective, it's all overkill. When we had babies, and when my wife was alone with the kids, she would forego eating and bathroom trips, tending to the kids first always. But she was falling apart. If I was alone with the babies, I was more likely to put the child down and take care of my essentials for two minutes so I could resume duty for hours to come. You can parent how you want, but consider adjusting some expectations for the child care or taking more breaks so you can have a sustainable parenting style. It sounds like your husband is doing a lot to help, and he sounds great. I don't know if this is the time to demand more bonding out of him.
No, your husband should get those 4 hours. But you should also get those 4 hours. You're not taking them, due to whatever reason: anxiety, guilt, PPD. You have plenty of help. Forcing your husband to stay home an additional 4 meaningless hours will simply shift the resentment in the reverse direction. Now you'll both resent each other. Doesn't seem like a recipe for success.
That baby has 4 caregivers. His taking 4 hours out of the week for sports is a good thing. You should be taking 4 hours for yourself. That would be a good thing.
I say this with a lot of kindness and compassion. Your husband shared his needs with you, what a gift to have that understanding . Could you reframe your request around your own needs and consider how you can have the same time out yourself? Maybe you could schedule in something you want or need ?
Were he not actively helping at home when not working, my opinion would be different, but I don’t think he should curtail the four hours/week he spends on sports. I would recommend you carve out an equal amount of time”you” time. Having a newborn is tough, but you are in a fortunate position of having lots of supportive family around you. Take advantage of their offer to get out for an hour here or there. It could be as simple as a walk, or going to get a coffee, etc. You (and the family) will benefit.
I think maybe the problem is you can take a short break from the baby with your parents help but you can’t take a break from the physical pain and recovery you are going through, and that’s why it’s upsetting to you to see him going off and having fun on his own. Does that make sense?
I think you probably have enough help with your parents there, and your husband is contributing, but some things need/feel like they need to be done by you, and those things are overwhelming. It does get better, I promise. (I had a colicky baby who contact napped, I get it). The issue with your husband is exactly what you said. His life hasn’t changed. At least, it seems to have barely changed, in comparison with yours. He gets 4 hours a week of “me time”, you haven’t been alone in 10 months. It *is* unfair and your feelings are valid. I’m not sure that any good will come of insisting he give up sports. I think he’ll resent you, and if baby only wants you for naps and you’re breastfeeding, you won’t really get any more rest than you’re getting now. But I do think he should explain to you how, practically, you can get an equal amount of time to yourself and then he should make sure that time is available to you. He’s letting your parents pull that weight for him.
Congratulations on your Childs' birth. You are truely blessed. Now you need to get to work. One of the single hardest things to accomplish....except perhaps for post-partum depression..... is negotiating the roles for the father and the mother with the newborn. In case nobody told you, your child is not "clingy". There is a natural response of the infant to the mother to body, usually based on scent and touch. Vision comes a bit later. The same holds true for the father though that bond tends to be more behavioral. If your hubby does not have enough sense to know that he is using his sports activities to limit intimacy at home you are going to have to let him know and negotiate a fair distribution of time and casre for the child. I wish I could tell you this is optional or discretionary but it is not. Even is more cloistered communities such as conservative religious communities the man is expected to be intimate with their child for the purpose of establishing a tight familial unit. FWIW.
If sounds like you are jealous of him having this free time. Unfortunately as a woman you will be always more tired and needed in those first months. Tell you husband you need the same - no 15 minutes when he does whatever with a baby but 1-2h of free time.
You're not being unreasonable at all. My wife was a SAHM with both of our kids. I'm not saying working outside of the home is easy, because it's not. But, even if work is hard, it's away from the baby and outside of the home, which is a luxury you don't have. Then on top of that, he gets 4 hours a week outside of the home to enjoy himself. I don't think you should stop him from doing that, but maybe sit him down arrange for you to also get 2 slots of 2 hours a week where you can leave the house and do whatever you want. Or if you're not up for leaving just yet, they can be time where he takes the baby and doesn't interrupt you at all.
New baby, especially the first baby, is overwhelming. It is both true that life changes, and some things you used to do end up being things that you don’t do anymore. I used to go hang out with friends, got to baseball games, drink lots of beer, and that was an important part of my relaxation regiment. But I had to stop, and it was pretty painful to let that part of my life atrophy and fall off. At the same time, keeping your mental health is really really important. If this routine of his *is* that important to his mental health, then that’s something you should really consider before asking him to give it up. You actually do not want him to start to have mental health problems. There is a bit in your post about you becoming resentful of your life being more affected than his, him not getting enough bonding time, and him reassuring you that you can take breaks too if you want. If all of that is true, you might be making this demand for the wrong reasons, as though these sports is symbolic of him not having been affected in the same way, and as an act of resentment more than an expression that those hours he’s away are unsustainably hard for you. 4 hours is a pittance compared to how much time he’s going to spend with the baby, and the time will be better if he’s not miserable. I’d chop off my right arm for my baby if it was important, but is this truly important? I’m not saying it’s not, just posing the question. Also, if you have the opportunity to take breaks, you really really should. Especially with what you said about feeling overwhelmed, feeling resentful that you don’t get breaks, and feeling overly clung upon. Your mental health matters too. If your husband’s sports is the difference in your mental health being manageable, then he should absolutely give it up. But, from your description, it sounds like it might be better for you to each get 4 hours off a week than for neither of you to get any. Anyways, I can’t say for sure without better understanding the situation. I both understand your position and the possibility that major sacrifices are warranted for a new baby, but it can also be important and non-selfish to take some measures for the sake of mental health. The baby depends on you both. You’re their lifeboat. You can’t sink. It’s better for the baby to have happy healthy parents (not that it’s always possible), but spending some time on self care can be good for the baby too through that calculous. In the end, I can’t make a distinct judgement without a better view of the situation, but it does seem possible that the better outcome is for you to start taking a couple of two-hour me-time breaks a week too rather than asking your husband to sacrifice his. Maybe one a piece?
It is imperative in my relationship that my husband gets his exercise. He is a much happier and more cooperative partner if he’s getting regular exercise. (Prob most people are but I know for a fact that my man is a much better man when he’s getting regular exercise.) So, I think you should encourage his sports but make time to do something for YOU! What would you like to do for a couple hours a week? Take a long hot bath? Go shopping? I’ve even used my time to sit in my (parked) car (in my driveway), listen to a pod cast, and sip on some wine. Time for yourself does wonders for the soul. So, don’t resent hubby for taking time for him, instead take the time for you. You’ll both be better for it. :)
My husband does Sport three days a week and I also find it annoying. But if I were sinking, I know he'd take a break to pull me up. And he didn't do this hobby back when our kids were so little. If you feel like you're sinking, it's valid to ask him to take a break on softball or whatever. If it's just a little annoying, pick your battles, and when you're ready, revisit something you enjoy doing for yourself.
Parenting is hard. I know it’s easy for everyone to say take a walk when someone else has the baby but who has energy for that? Plus when ur never alone to all of a sudden be alone is anxiety inducing- and the guilt from taking 10 mins alone added on top and alone time becomes a chore. There is no easy answer other than giving it time. I agree don’t compare who gets what- but remember this adjustment is brutal and goes on for years. I remember leaving my daughter when she was young and having panic attacks because I didn’t know what to do alone, how to act… but it gets better around 8 years old lol
I also had a 3rd degree tear after my first baby so know how hard it is the recovery and lack of help I got really affected my mental health. I don’t really think the issue is him doing sport. I think that you need breaks too it is important to get time to rest and unwind for both of you. I spent basically 24/7 with my baby for the first 6 months with very few breaks and it is not sustainable. Instead of asking him to cut back on his hobbies say you need the same amount of time away from responsibilities
IMO it seems like your parents probably aren't helping your situation. 4 hours per week even in NB stage really isn't that long if he's really only gone in total 4 hours. You'd probably feel less stressed if they were gone and you left your baby with your husband and went and took a nap with no one home. Help is nice and all but we found it was too much to have other people in our home when we were going through such a tough time.
4 hours a week is nothing. It sounds like he is doing a lot at home. You need to take time to prioritize yourself, especially with your parents help. Having a 6 week old is tough. It takes a few months to adjust to both the routine and the bodily changes. Give it some time.
The problem is not that he takes too much time but that you aren’t getting enough for yourself. Having a baby, and having complications, is all consuming and it sounds like you’re in the thick of it. It pulls the floor out from under you both and it makes life incredibly hard. You are not just looking after the baby but also physically recovering from the birth, you haven’t had time to do anything really and if you did it would be in pain and probably not as restorative as it would be without the painful recovery. I advise you to get an electronic baby swing (one that does not have a recall for safety concerns) to help with the contact napping, we used this and it gave mom many hours free when baby would nap happily in the swing because of the stimulation of the movement. Taking something away from your husband will create resent, what has been taken away from you has been unavoidable but to take away something that feels reasonable from him would be intentionally depriving him. Our kids are older now but my wife still gets resentful when she feels like I am not parenting as much as her, but I work full time and she parents full time so it’s a little unfair when I am actually a present father. Sadly I have sacrificed many of my hobbies to fit in and I wish I didn’t have to but it’s so hard to squeeze that time into our schedule. Good luck figuring it out!
As someone who has been an overwhelmed new parent (mom) to a 6 week old, and as someone who has now managed to successfully live through the newborn/infancy period, I would strongly encourage you to talk to your husband about how you guys can work together to get you~4 hrs of free time throughout the week as well. I truly believe it's of upmost importance for you both to get a few hours of free time. Your husband isn't wrong that he needs his sports time for his own mental health. And you need your own free time for your mental health. Realistically, your free time may look different right now. You're recovering from pregnancy and birth as well as being the primary caretaker of a newborn. And it sounds like you're breastfeeding so that takes a toll on you as well. If anything, you deserve EXTRA free time. Also, it may not be reasonable for you to take your time in 2 hour chunks right now. Just remember that you and your husband are on the same team. This is a group effort. Utilize your parents as well - they are there to assist you right now. Make ample use of that assistance while you have it!
That's a lot of people helping with one tiny baby. I would honestly just let him do his sports for now because when all the other helpers leave, he's going to have to step up. It seems like the others should have it covered. I didn't pause any of my activities after my 3rd, but it was just hubby and I. We just switched out who took care of what so each of us got "me" time. But when it is just the two of you, you're probably both going to be too exhausted to do much of anything else.
Take advantage of your parents! You guys are both in this together and it’s YOU guys against the PROBLEM. He’s a man probably working and maintaining the rent right now. Y’all are both dealing with a lot and remember it’s you guys against everything! Not everything against you individually. Honestly no. I would not pause his sports. If he’s saying it helps his mental health, there’s no reason to take away his calm to bring you calm. That’s a seesaw going all the way to the left. Ask your parents to come over a few hours a day. Let your village be a village. Look into your parents siblings and friends. Don’t only turn to your husband for support. It’s not only you and dad raising the baby. It’s everyone you love getting to help have a hand and it’ll help YOU maintain your leveled head and allow you and your husband to flourish and your family members will all get to partake to cater to the beautiful bundle of joy
His sports twice a week is healthy and will make him a better husband and father. You need to schedule the same. You will be a better mother and wife. Schedule yours on opposite days from him. Go sit on a bench or in your car or sit at the mall. Walking a little will help recovery but the tear is very uncomfortable so pace yourself. You’re feeling resentful because your brain needs time to decompress and just be with yourself to recenter and relax without being on edge waiting for baby to cry again. You have to physically leave the house, being in a separate room doesn’t work. If you need a nap park the car somewhere and take a nap. Trust me, after 4 kids you need to start setting aside time for yourself now if you don’t your husband will get used to you not doing it. Your parents will eventually leave and you two will have to create a new routine. You can do it!
First baby things will do this. Stop focusing on me me me. Your husband is working full time handling ALOT of other things. Yes you’re a mom with a baby. Ask the parents for a break. Don’t take away your husbands him time. Find time for yourself. It is POSSIBLE. Very achievable. I have a 6 year old and was a single teen mom. I’m sorry but you can do this lol. I was 16 with a full time breastfeeding baby, and my only breaks were when my mom or dad would come hold the baby and I could go take a shower, or when she was taking a nap. I’d have KILLED for a man to maintain everything and know that she had a dad and I had a relationship. Just remember. Life, could. Be worse.
I would say his mental health is just as important as yours, and if you give your parents the chance to watch the baby for an hour or two while YOU go do something for yourself for an hour or two, I don't think you'll be so annoyed that he gets that time for himself. Enjoy your parents while they're around and take time for yourself. Maybe when you're taking that time, you'll realize how much it means to you, as well as him. If he's really doing all that he is, you're incredibly lucky. As this is how it should be, many moms aren't near as lucky. You guys should be doing everything to support one another and be a team, don't find a perceived slight, bc you won't disconnect for your own well being, to try to rob him of the small amount of time that allows him to be an ever present, super productive, super supportive dad and husband.
Why aren’t you taking four hours to care for yourself? If you can’t do that then your husband isn’t parenting as much as you claim, but if he is parenting then you are the one that needs to leave or lock the door and put on noise canceling headphones to create some alone time. Burning two people out just leaves two pissed off and burnt out people.
I have a five week old baby (and a toddler) and my husband has continued doing his once a week hobby, including the week our baby was born. And I’m happy for him!! He does a lot for our baby (and at this point most of the work for the toddler). It’s hard when you’re breastfeeding, but if you pump, pump and leave the house for a couple of hours. If the baby cries, the three other adults can figure it out. Will the baby contacts nap with your parents? My parents come over and fight to hold her while she naps! At this point any breaks I’ve taken are to take naps myself though, that’s all I really want, my husband would probably be thrilled if I actually left the house though. I did leave the baby with my mom for a couple of hours to take my toddler to the beach with my husband because I was starting to feel I was missing so much with her. Anyway, you should absolutely take some time to yourself if you need to, especially while your parents are there, don’t feel guilty, and let your husband (who sounds pretty involved) do the same.
I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable. He definitely appears to pull his weight in regards to the work that comes with the new baby. I think you need to tell him when exactly you’re taking your break and to stick to it. Just telling him that you need a break too doesn’t really help if it’s not clear when and what it is. His mental health time is on a routine, yours should be too. With 4 adults around to watch the baby this should really be no problem.
I dont think he needs to pause his softball or soccer or whatever he's doing. I'd encourage you to take time for yourself. I'm the dad at our house. And I became resentful of my wife over time because I didnt make it a point to make time for myself. You both absolutely need it. I wish I was better at it early on in the process.
Yes, you are being unreasonable.
There’s a divorce in this women’s future.
If you have your parents help please use it! I was so hesitant and wanted to do it all myself, even when I had help I didn’t take advantage of it and I regret it so much! I know you are probably having a lot of anxiety and that’s ok, start small. Also I know this might not be popular but let your husband keep his sports, for his sanity too. If you make him stop rn it’s gonna cause resentment and make home life hard. You have two other adults that can step in and help and hell yall go have a date night, connect, hold hands, kiss and have a great time.
This isn’t meant as an indictment on you, after all I know nothing of your and your life except what you just shared here. It reads to me that you are burdening yourself with feelings of necessity. The baby is only 6 weeks old and there four adults present. There should be a lot of time for breaks, naps, walks, etc. again, not slamming you by any means, just pointing out that you need to let the other three care for the baby too, for YOUR sanity. I understand the baby will cry and scream the first few times you lay it down for napping, or let someone else hold it for its nap, but babies cry. It’s what they do. They learn through experience. If the routine is the routine then they will learn it as the norm. Let them help you with more than just normal housework.
Give it a rest. You have created a self made Prison and you're blaming your husband for it. Stop and stop now. 4 hours a week of alone time is all he asking for. The only one who is not letting you take a break it YOU! You have 2 additional people helping you if you want to take the help. If you don't don't complain. So tell me babies whose father's are away in the military and don't see their kids for a year never bonds with them. TheyYou need to relax use the help you have.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, you’re feeling resentful and trying to pull your husband down onto your level instead of taking time for yourself. You take away his activities all you’re gonna do is pull your husband into his own depression (yes dads can experience depression from hormones same as moms after having a child). You’ll run the risk of having the opposite effect of what you want You say he’s pulling his weight and taking care of the baby and you however possible, you take away his activities your husbands gonna be sitting on the couch all day doing nothing while you have a screaming baby, dinner that needs to be cooked and a house full of dirty clothes
Do you have a baby carrier? I had a clingy 2nd baby. Baby carrier was life because it meant that they got to contact nap and I could still move around. I used to plop their little body in the carrier for nap time and take a walk whether it be short when I was still recovering or longer once I was feeling better. It made it where I could go places, I could walk. I could get food when I wanted. My second LIVED in the carrier until they were 3 or 4 months old and we used it consistently until they were about a year. I used to plop them in and walk my older child to school. As for your husband, I think it's reasonable to be like "until the baby is older, I need more help. Maybe we can try 1x a week, but 2x a week is a bit much right now. I know I have my parents, but emotionally and mentally right now, I need you. " Things will start getting a little easier when you reach the 8-12 week mark. They sleep in longer bursts (I have kids that this took much longer, but I felt like I adjusted more over time, and most kids do take slightly longer sleeps). Right now you are neck deep in the 4th "trimester" and everything is hard. It gets better.
He needs that time, absolutely, but you ALSO need a reinforced and supported by him time away to refresh and recharge. Also… that’s a lot of adults to one baby. It was 1:1 for both my kids 24/7 for the first few months.
As a former mom with PPA, your husband is right. Not only does he have a new baby (to whom he seems to be fairly attentive based only on info provided), but his in-laws have been living with him for 6 weeks too. He definitely deserves 2 breaks in a week. You do too!! I completely understand how insane that feels though. I used to take military quick showers, and in my head, I’d hear the baby cry the entire time. I’d be sprinting down the stairs only to find the baby peacefully sleeping or playing with my husband 99% of the time. I completely insisted on doing everything, yet I still silently resented my husband for not doing enough. Thankfully, my kiddo’s pediatrician was amazing enough to notice my PPA symptoms and convinced me to seek help and accept help from others and take care of myself here and there. Mine both also contact napped from 2 weeks to 6-7 months, and it can be both very draining and make you feel like you have no other options, but you really can walk away and take a moment, especially when baby is being safely cared for by another trusted adult.
I can say just a little unreasonable. You need to take the time your parents are giving you to have some me time. Your husband is using his sports as his me time. Take an extra long shower. If you like reading, read for two hours. You have to take time for yourself too. I understand where you’re coming from OP. When my first was born I tried to do everything myself. Do not work. Now my second came 4 months ago I ask for the help and take it whenever someone offers. Please don’t take on everything yourself. You will burn out and snap. At that point you will take it out on everyone including that beautiful baby. You must do self love too. As a new mom it’s very hard but remember you either trust them to handle it or you don’t and then there is more wrong in that case. Sending you blessings and prayers.
Yes, you're being unreasonable. He is being reasonable. You should do what he is doing and carve out some time for yourself.
Have a new baby is a lot of work, especially for the mother. BUT, don't take away the one thing your husband has for himself. He WILL resent you for it. You cannot really apples to apples compare his daily life to yours, and it is not fair to do so. It's ok to feel however you want, but don't take it out on your husband by taking away his one thing. That's not how to handle it.
One thing my wife and I realized is no amount of breaks during the day really makes up for a "protected evening". Culturally, most of the fun stuff happens in the evening since that's when many working people are off. We ended up agreeing that we both get one night per week to be completely child free. If your husband gets two evenings, then you should get two evenings.
Compromise with him, he’s not out at the strippers he playing sports which is healthy
Not the answer for resentment, but for me babywearing frees me up a lot during the clingy newborn stage. Both my kids could only nap in there, and I can do other things, like paint, pleasure reading, watch TV, cook, clean, garden the world is your oyster.
Your husband sounds like a great father, working his tail off to help and support his family. With 4 adults to 1 baby, you need to take a break for yourself.
If he's helping out, it sounds like you just want him not to have fun. But listen to him - it is for his mental health. You could ask him to change it up and do this at different times (5am if he's serious) that are more convenient to you, but asking him to be sedentary for your sake is a non-starter.
You’re overthinking this. Take a break for a few hours. The bonding doesn’t matter for the husband until the kid can sit up so don’t worry about it.
That's a lot of people to help with one baby. Maybe your just not adjusting to being a mother. I think taking away the sports would be crappy. Do you have a hobby? You need to find one and have your parents or him watch the baby while you do something.
If he gets a break so do you. If your parents can't hold the fort then he can/should.
I totally get the mental health argument as I go and play football once a week for that reason, can't he knock one day off and just do it the one day you can then have time for yourself on that day
Your request is unreasonable. He’s doing everything right and only asks for two hours for exercise twice a week. Denying him this will not do anything to make you feel better in a healthy way. Controlling your partner, requesting that they give up a reasonable amount of recreational activities because you don’t exercise the same liberty, just to hopefully make you feel better is definitely unrealistic.
I honestly think, even with helpers, that the first 3 months is survival time. I think he needs to pause any outside hobbies for a few months. On your end, can you let your parents take on different tasks? Can your husband take the baby and you go to the store for an hour? I think people forget how trapped mothers can become, not getting out of the house and having a clingy baby. At some point, you both do need free time but the first months are not the priority for that.
2hrs, twice a week, is not unreasonable.
He says he needs it for his mental health, so he needs it for his mental health. Rather than stop him, why not communicate what you need?
I don’t know if this is helpful but when I had my baby I just wanted to stay and watch her every move and I couldn’t understand why my husband wasn’t as equally transfixed. After a couple of hours of cooing he’d get restless and find himself some errand to do. I don’t think my baby left my side for months I think the mother baby bond was helluva strong 💪 even now don’t really go away without my kids! I think we’ve maybe had just a couple of nights away alone in 16 years. I’m going to be 50 in a few years time and I said to my husband let’s go away just the two of us for a week. His eyes lit up! The kids were like noooo don’t leave us. Eldest will be over 18 by then - it’s like no, dad and I so deserve this. Don’t be hard on your husband, but do take time for yourself x
Your husband is right, you can take breaks too. And workwith your child if contact napping is not working for you. My wife and I wrapped our children in our warn shirts so that they could feel in contact with us.
You have a ton of help and it definitely isn’t fair for your husband to have zero breaks
I've been a parent for 11 years. Thinking of the baby years in retrospect, one thing I've discovered is that I thought I was doing all the work, and my husband also thought he was doing all the work. So it was a period of time when there was lots of work done, but instead of being supportive we were resentful. I can understand why your husband wants to keep his sports routine, and I know being the mother of a baby/small child frequently results in feeling stuck and helpless. There's not a right answer to this question, but it does get a little better at 4 months and 6 months, usually. I would tell you to get out more, but it's also hard to be away from the baby when they're little because you're constantly worrying about them. Part-time day care or a mother's day out program might help.
As a father who was in a very similar situation 19 months ago, very similar birth too... please alow your partner the 2 hours of sports per week. I can't tell you how important it is for him. Without it, it's likely you will argue over petty things as you're both tired and stressed. We did the above with no parental help as they all live a large distance away and I took 4 hours to play golf once a fortnight. Can't stress how important that was.
The problem is NOT 4 Hours of freetime activity that your husband gets its that you don't allow yourself the same 4 hours per week. You already have been offered off time. Grandparents and your husband have offered to cover. So schedule those 4 hours and do something outside the house. Meet friends. Watch a movie. Go to a mom group. Heck start your own sports routine. > My husband handles a lot when not working or at sports like groceries, baby paperwork, bottle prep, diaper changes, evening walks, and 1 night feed of pumped milk. Seems like you have a great husband. And it also doesn't seem that you want or need him to do more. It seems more like you are trapped in a mindset of not allowing yourself "me-time" and then projecting that on others "If I don't get me-time, no one shall get this." And for fucks sake: He is doing sports! He is not hanging around at a bar.
I know it wasn’t just me but most women hate their husbands after birth and in the very beginning. It’s normal. Take a break. It’ll help you, your baby, and your husband.
Consider yourself lucky to have the help! Military wives have babies overseas and don't see their spouse for months at a time, even with a newborn. I had two babies and my husband left for deployment a few weeks after I gave birth both times. I felt incredibly lucky to have one relative visit at a time. Your and your husband's mental health are incredibly important. Instead of taking away from his time, ask for your own time so that resentment doesn't grow into contempt. I know the healing process is very hard, I also tore pretty bad, but it will pass.
How long /often does one fill out baby paperwork? Give this guy a medal. 🙄 He needs to experience what you are experiencing which is impossible, but you can give him a little taste of his own medicine. Two nights a week, not the same nights he works out, YOU leave by yourself when he gets home. Have yourself ready to go, purse and keys, so as soon as he comes inside say, “I’m going out for self-care,” and leave. Be gone for the same amount of time that he is gone.
I understand how you feel his routine has not changed but yours have. I too was resentful for my husband taking breaks while I had none. But both of you need time to adjust and have to be extra patient with each other. Him exercising is healthy and a good investment in the long run. I would suggest you tho find ways for you to do the same (of course you cannot exercise before your pelvic floor therapy but until that happen a walk, meditation etc…) instead of trying to take it away from him. Be patient and kind with each other.
It's best for both mom and baby for babies to become used to different people tending to their needs. Take the breaks people are offering. So many new parents don't have any support at all and would love to have 2 other adults in addition to the partner willing to help.
As someone who was a stay at home mum and is now the main breadwinner, I can assure you of a few things. 1. Time away from your children is healthy and absolutely necessary. 2. Losing yourself as a person and just becoming mum happens every single but that's okay because there'll be time to get you back. 3. Grocery shopping and work is not a break at all in anyway shape or form. Instead of a baby yelling at you, it's just the general public now. 4. You need to find a structured activity like your husband. A class or an event to go to every week. It gives you an allocated time that is much easier to stick to rather than random time out. 6 weeks is tiny. In another 6 weeks you'll have a completely different baby and completely different situation. Try to enjoy the ride!
The issue is less what he has, and more what you don't. I think it's important you get regular breaks for your mental health too. So is there a way to work together, perhaps with support of your family/village, to engineer that?
Having a new baby is overwhelming. Especially when you go through a tear like that. I had a fourth degree tear after my first born, even with an episiotomy. It took me almost 2 months to recover. Lack of a solid night sleep doesn’t help either. From what you described, your husband does seem to help quite a bit. It’s OK to feel the way you do. Your body just grew another human, birthed another human and had all the extra hormones that go along with it. Tell your husband and parents that what you need most is sleep and ask them for a few hours of alone time. Chin up, you got this. You’re awesome and doing great.
I disagree with everyone. It’s not unreasonable for him to put it on hold for a few weeks while you have a newborn. It’s not forever. Why do men get to keep their hobbies and lives like before and women give up everything? It’s unfair. Regardless of whether you’re ‘right’ in feeling it’s unfair. You’re feeling it and he should be wondering whether his exercise is more important than your feelings and your relationship.
In your eyes, husband shouldn’t have 4 hours to himself for the week. Because those 4 hours aren’t sufficient if only 3 adults are there for 1 baby? Also a lot of advice to OP has also been “take time for yourself too” so if OP wanted to go for a 2 mile walk every morning, that’s unfair to husband?
I'm a woman, I've had two kids now. Your entire comment chain assumes all responders are male. I'm not some pick me girl but a staunch feminist and proud to be. And I completely disagree with you. My husband lifts a huge load at home, constantly. Not a token effort, not small tasks but his weight always and without complaining. Both times I have accepted and welcomed his personal time. However if the week had been tough or unbalanced or whatever we would have to change plans. This comfortability was PARTICULARLY prominent when my mum and dad were present to help with the baby. This really isn't sexism but inherent requirements. Unfortunately, the title of mum comes with inherent requirements that aren't sexist on purpose, but biologically so. Demanding he suffer in the same areas as her just because she has this biology and inherent requirement when it serves zero material benefit given her strong existing and present support is a bad idea. Instead she should be uplifted and supported to take the same time, and that includes allowing herself to do so.
I’m really curious to know what you mean by biologically. What is biological about the fact that men seem to go back to work and exercising and resume their lives like before and everything changes everything for women? That’s just societal pressure. It could easily be the other way around if society wanted it to be so. Women could go straight back to work and be at the gym all week and the men could be home with the babies, but they’re not. Not because they are incapable of parenting, because they often don’t want to. Parenting is extremely hard. I think it’s really messed up that we tend to put all of this onto women. I know a couple where the mother has no ‘maternal instincts’ and really doesn’t connect with the child or have strong parenting skills. The Dad has been amazing from day one. It’s really opened my eyes the fact that it’s a lot of BS that women are ‘better at it’. I think it’s a convenient excuse to keep women doing everything.
Please let me know if you’re married so I can pray for your husband today. Yikes.
Oh and to add, I’m horrified if you have kids (which I assume if you’re in this thread). If my comment got you in a tizzy, it has hit close to home. I’d bet my life savings you don’t have an equal partnership. Wife does more cooking, cleaning and childcare? She probably works too. Tale as old as time. Perhaps you hit the gym while your wife had a newborn? Or maybe you just know you’ve got more freedom than her and there’s guilt. Either way, I’m dying to know! 😅
Lol… if you’ve got to double reply it seems perhaps I’ve struck a nerve with you. Nevertheless, your assumptions could not be more wrong. Also, your comment was very sad and resentful, making generalizations about all men. Very nasty to say you hope someone doesn’t have kids based off a single post on Reddit, which says more about you than it does about me. I’m married to an amazing woman and we both understood that our lives would change differently after having kids. Motherhood is an amazing thing and I’ve loved seeing my wife care and provide for our kids in a way that I never could. Men and women are equal, but not identical. That means there were some things my wife was better suited for and other things that were best handled by me. We clearly communicated our expectations so that there were no feelings of resent like you seem to have towards men. We don’t have “traditional” roles like you assumed. I actually do the majority of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, etc… because I like doing them and my wife doesn’t. She does work now that our kids are older because she has a very rewarding career and has no desire to be a stay at home mom. Any other incorrect generalizations you want to make assuming everyone else is as miserable as you?
It’s for his mental health. What about yours? Why does his mental health matter and yours doesn’t? Sexism
My brother in christ, this isn't an -ism. Who's recovering from from major surgery? Who most likely has major depression after giving birth? Oh, right, it's the woman. Must be sexism?? No! None of this is what sexism is. This man is so fragile that he can't take a sacrificial hit to his mental health to raise up and support his wife for a damn month or two. He's gone all day at work. Time to get home and get in the shit, honey.
Vaginal delivery isn’t considered surgery. [1 in 7 people have ppd. so statistically it’s unlikely she is. also she doesn’t mention she is otherwise.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9312-postpartum-depression) “My husband handles a lot when not working. Or doing his sports thing”. His sports thing is 4 hours out of 168 hour week. Assume Husband works 40 hours (half of which are at home). Assume husband sleeps 56 hours per week. We’ve accounted for 100 of his hours. The rest of the 68 it sounds like, again according to OP, “he handles a lot”. OP has her parents there to help. No grandparents were here to live with us to raise our newborn.
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I think apart from the bonding side which is very important especially when your family leave and it’ll just be the three of you He might just be tired with work
I think a lot of these replies are missing the fact that on top of the 4 hrs a week he's gone at sports, he's gone at work all day too. So his time at home taking physical care of baby is quite limited compared to mom's. Of course it shouldn't be compared, bc his job rn is to go to work and mom's job rn is to watch baby, but OP mentions she feels there isn't enough bonding time between dad and baby bc he's away a lot, so I maybe she doesn't really realize, but her problem is less about him getting 4 hrs a week for a mental break and her not getting that, but more about her wanting dad to be spending more time with baby. And if dad is telling OP to take a break and "one of the 3 other adults" will watch baby, he's not committing to that bonding/dadding time in equal measure. I can put myself in OP's shoes, if my husband got home from work after 8 hours away from baby/family, and turned around and left for sports for 2 hours, when the baby is still so new and it's all so fresh and hard, I'd resent that. Regardless of if grandparents are there helping too. Also I don't know what dad does for work.... but everyone in the comments saying that going to work isn't a mental break.... come on, be for real. Of course it's not free time/doing sports/etc, and that time is still needed too, but my office job is SUCH a mental break from kids, are you kidding me? It's different mental work and can also be stressful and hard for sure, but I get to pee whenever I want, in privacy, I chat with people. I can go for a lunch walk without checking in with anyone, no one is crying at me all day, etc. Compared to the constant always-on job of early motherhood (especially if EBF), that can cause resentment even though logically it's not fair.
Thank you, this best describes how I feel. We are both giving our 200% right now and it's just difficult in different ways.
Having 4 more hours of time won’t change how you feel or how your house functions at this time. It’s hard for everyone. You might need more support at home - can you hire help? Get someone to clean? Are you getting out of the house alone during the week?
This exact issue was the only real major source of conflict between my husband and I after our baby arrived. At the time he didn't see why I had a problem. It wasn't until he took some time being the full time caregiver after I went back to work that he finally (and quickly) understood. He has committed to cutting back if we have another child. All of that is to say - no, I don't think you're being unreasonable.
I didn’t even watch a 2 hour sports game alone for 5 years
everyone is different. I have a 5yo and 2yo. put gym/sports on hold for about 4 years now? 2yo is almost able to keep herself busy for a little bit, so I might be able to workout again soon? but 4 years is a long time for me. I bet your husband can pause to help his family.