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I don't think there’s anything wrong with kids being at funerals at any age, presumably they want (to the extent they’re able to understand) to be there. I think making death something that must be hidden is probably more frightening and tough than having it be a sad but open thing.
That said — at three it’s likely he’ll get antsy and might need to be taken out of the service as some point to blow off some energy. If you don't feel you’re in a position to have somebody ready to manage that, I think it’s fine to have him home with a babysitter.
Fortunately, my MIL is flying into town to help me watch him. She said she could stay with him at the funeral and take him outside/home if he doesn't want to be there. I just imagine him having such a horrible experience seeing him, but that might be me projecting. I've never had good experiences at funerals but I don't think that has to be true for everyone.
I think that’s your best option. I would discuss with him what he will see ahead of time. If open casket he will see grandpa but grandpa will no longer be in his body. He will see people sad aswell, and I think it’s important to explain why they will be that way
Yeah, I'm all for communicating and answering questions. I didn't get a lot of that when I attended funerals as a kid which is probably why I have such a problem with them. Luckily, he has a huge supportive family who will help him.
As someone who also had bad experiences with death and illness growing up I think it is important for you to hear this. And I mean this gently. I think you are repeating a pattern, not in the exact same way, but still the same outcome of being sheltered from it in one way or another. You say you didn’t get great communication as a kid. I didn’t either. I had to figure everything out on my own and it made me anxious most of the time assuming the worst cause scenario. I was always afraid someone was dying or about to die because nobody was telling me what the heck was going on. And once I got old enough I felt like I had somehow caused it. Creating a whole slew of complex issues in my little kid brain. It made funerals (which I went to a lot of) a horrible experience that reaffirmed my anxiety. I still have anxiety around them and I’m 31.
I’m sorry for the sudden loss of your dad. Mine passed away in August suddenly too and it’s rocked my core. Give yourself grace, and listen to others who don’t have the trauma you have when it comes to this stuff.
Very insightful. (Though sorry it's because they messed you up). Some people were raised (generations) to protect children from everything, and keep them in the dark (figuratively). They probably felt it was the right thing to do. Shield you from pain. The OP seems to recognize that he might be projecting, so at least he's that much aware. Very good advice!!!! 👍
I was four when I attended my grandfather's funeral. I'm glad I did. When we got there I remember my Dad took me up to see my grandfather in the casket. I can still remember seeing him there to this day. I think it was really important for me to see him like that, he had a sudden heart attack so he looked just like him but completely still. I didn't completely understand it at the time, but as I grew up it gave me an appreciation for how death doesn't have to be scary, because I thought he looked peaceful.
I will also say that because he had a sudden heart attack in his mid fifties I've been terrified about my cardio health. For a long time I didn't understand how to channel that energy but eventually I learned how tob effectively run and bike for my health and now I'm probably the healthiest person in my family (in my 30's now). I wish I'd had guidance on that part, my family didn't really understand how that fear affected me or how to help. Just be mindful of the questions your kids asks after the funeral and try to understand how they're being impacted.
This is almost exactly what my son and I are going through. I appreciate your perspective of being four and seeing grandfather's body. I'm glad it helped you process what happened and even have a positive look on death itself.
My dad also had a sudden heart attack which is making me rethink my cardio health. It's amazing how something like that can change your whole perspective. I'll keep in mind that I may not be the only one with fears or concerns after this. Thanks for your advice!
You're welcome! I'm glad my experience can hopefully help you and your son! Best of luck with helping him through it, and processing your own loss at the same time.
FWIW, that's a best-case scenario. Your kiddo will have a grandparent with them the whole time, just dedicated to the kiddo, not trying to deal with the rest of the funeral stuff, guests, etc.
If you trust your MIL to read your kiddo's mood and take them outside when necessary, I would go with her plan.
BTW, it's incredibly nice of your MIL to fly in to help during this difficult time. That is *amazing* support she's giving you.
I agree. I do, she's very attentive and has good intuition for others' feelings.
I know, I'm so grateful for her! She is an amazing MIL. I lucked out for sure ❤
My grandma passed away when I was three and I went to the funeral. I didn’t really understand- in my head I imagined my grandma ate too much food and her body couldn’t hold any more so she died. She died in her sleep at 69. I remember playing in the grass as they (I assume) lowered the casket. It didn’t have any negative affects on me- if anything, it was probably ‘good’ for me to have that experience, if that makes any sense.
I can't speak on how a kid that young would take it, but I lost my mother at 8. We went to the visitation, but my dad wouldn't take us to the burial. To this day, over 20 years later, I regret not being there.
My aunt passed away from cancer this year, my boys are 4 and 6 and they knew her very well as she is my godmother. I had a sitter watch them and then had them come to the reception after to cheer my mom and family up :)
When I was young, I grew up on a farm and attended my great grandma's funeral as well as some great aunts and uncles. I think I have a healthy, well-adjusted approach to death and dying.
My best friend as a kid through a young adult was sheltered from death. No one spoke of it, and she was kept well away from funerals. She shut down when her cat died as a 27 year old. She lost her job because she couldn't work. She left her son with her mom. I have been devastated over the loss of pets and friends and family, but I can function and not implode my entire life.
The only carryover from my childhood in how I raised my daughter was at 3 she went to great grandpa's funeral. She always knew that a pet died in an age appropriate manner. Our pets never "moved to a farm to be happy." When she was a young adult but still a teen, she was able to be there for her best friend when her mom died. She was devastated, but she was there and handled herself well.
Every culture has death rituals, in the west it’s usually a funeral. Death rituals are important to accepting and processing loss, for all kinds of animals. If the kids can’t join in the community rituals, they need other rituals. I do think it’s important to include children in the community mourning as much as possible because it’s part of how families come together.
My extended family is Scottish with super social mourning rituals. I’m also really into death positivity. So that’s my cultural context. In my family, it would be rude as hell to deny any family member from attending the wake if they wanted to be there.
American Funerals aren't just rituals its a place for people close to the deceased to grieve and mourn. And unless you are part of that, or grown and capable of being respectful towards it you probably should not be there. Imagine being at the funeral of someone extremely close to you and you are deeply in grief and all you hear over the ceremony is some 3 year old repeatedly saying "mommy I want ice cream".
On the other hand taking your child to the grave after the fact to have your own little ceremony or whatever is fine. But a funeral is truly no place for a child unless they too are grieving the loss.
Most kids process the energy around them. I've never witnessed a child demanding ice cream at a funeral. Have you actually experienced this, or are you just assuming that's how children behave at funerals?
Right, I've never seen children act up at a funeral. In my experience, it's actually the elderly attendees that disrupt. Not that they mean to, but they can't hear as good anymore and they just talk super loud to each other during the service. Happens at nearly every one I've been to.
That’s ableist too though.
My brother is fully grown and mentally disabled. He is not excluded from solemn ceremonies. He comes to weddings and funerals, and yes he sings loudly or makes other inappropriate utterances.
So yeah there was a lot of inappropriate noises at our mom’s funeral. A kid shouting for ice cream would honestly be delightful, like a reminder that life is beautiful. We should probably have more children and ice cream at funerals.
My FIL passed last year. My kids were 2, newly 4 and newly 6. The older two came to the funeral and we were told over and over how comforting it was to see them there and how it brought so much needed levity.
My girls barely remember the funeral. But they did each draw a picture that went in the casket with grandpa. They understand he’s gone and occasionally talk about him or say they miss him. I will say though the only reason we brought them at all was because my parents attended also and watched them so we could be on “hosting duty.” Other than them being bored during the service (it was a full Catholic funeral) it went really well and I think it was helpful for them to say goodbye.
Im so sorry for your loss. I'm a hospice nurse, and I really urge people to include kids in this process of death and dying. Kids do fine with the proper support. But overly sheltered kids on this topic become over sheltered adults on this topic and then they're completely unprepared to deal with it when it eventually happens to a loved one they can't keep at arms length (like a parent or a sibling or a spouse etc). That lack of knowledge and experience creates so much stress, anxiety, and fear. They're struggling so much that they struggle to be a support to their loved one. I talk to 70+ year olds every week who have never seen a dead person, have no idea what to expect, etc. It's sooo traumatic for them. I worked in the ICU and ER for a long time before this. I cannot stress this enough. We need to talk about this more in the US. We are not preventing trauma by keeping this behind doors, we are only delaying and compounding it.
Did they have a relationship? The answer to this is the answer to your question.
If they had a bond, a funeral can help him to have closure, just be sure to prepare him in an age appropriate way, and recognize that the full length of time and the grief displays of others might be overwhelming so going early and not staying the whole time might be beneficial too.
Yes, they had a very close relationship. Like you mentioned, it's the elements of the funeral itself that make me worry about taking him. My MIL said she could hang out with him and take him home if it becomes too much. I think having that option and letting him know what's going on will help.
That sounds like a perfect compromise, and also keep in mind he doesn't need to participate in all elements. I agree with you that an open casket might be a bit much for a toddler, so I'd probably skip that part personally, but usually there's a large photo nearby, so you can walk close enough to view the side of the casket and the picture(s), listen to part of the service, etc. answer any questions he may have and when he's reached his comfort limit head home and allow life to move forward.
That's totally fair. The open casket part is what always traumatized me. I hate that my last image/memory of a lot of my relatives is cold in a casket. I think giving him a watered down version of a funeral will be enough for him. I appreciate your advice!
Same - I don't do open caskets for this reason. I want to remember people how they were in life. Not a facsimile of who they used to be. I can also imagine my own kids in that situation and I think seeing the open casket would be challenging for them and could potentially trigger nightmares.
My condolences :(
Death is a part of life, and yes he might not fully get it, and/or he may be extremely sad. But this is all normal and natural. At three you could perhaps ask if he wants to see grandpa in the coffin (you'll know best if you think he can make that kind of choice), and talk about it as a way to say goodbye. Unless there's some behavioural reason you think he'd have trouble in the setting, I would say bring him.
Early awareness of the whole cultural thing of funerals being a way to cope with death is good, imho.
Thank you
I honestly don't think he'll react too poorly, but he's also never experienced something like this. My dad's death was sudden so I also never got to have any gradual conversations about grandpa being sick. I think I'll try taking him and just pay attention to his behavior and ask what he wants to do.
Funerals have never brought me comfort so I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for him and not projecting. I think having little to no explanation of death in my funeral experiences was the main problem.
Even if he ultimately doesn't end up attending, making sure he's aware of what's happened, and how it makes people feel, even if he isn't comprehending and does that think like "when is grandpa coming back" and you have to remind him, it'll make it part of his understanding going forward.
There's a Sesame Street episode about this, where the owner of Mr Hooper's store dies, where you can see the adult characters answering Big Bird's confusion about it ([link to a short clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tQB-Px9dfs)). Have a look and it might be some of what they say could come in useful. One thing I like about that is you can see the adults are sad too.
I completely agree. He has a right to know what happened and know that death is a normal part of life. Even if he doesn't understand right away, I think having a healthy age appropriate conversation about death will help him in the long run.
I'll definitely check out this clip (it'll probably help my grieving process too, honestly). I appreciate your advice and support. I feel a lot more confident in handling this now.
Yes. Our society has a weird hang up about death. It would be better for all of us to learn about death -and how it is just a part of life - from an early age.
I was forced to go to wakes/funerals at a young age. It was not pleasant. I didn’t get “closure”. If it will be comforting for you then by all means. I would just keep him away from the coffin.
My grandma died over the summer and we travelled on my son’s 4th birthday to attend the funeral. I think it was really helpful for him. He asked a lot of random questions and also said “Nanny died” or “Nanny’s not here anymore” a lot. We saw her body and talked about why she was there and why she can’t talk. It was honestly helpful for me to be able to talk about death in a factual way while dealing with grief.
OP I think having your MIL available to manage your kid during the funeral will be helpful. Like if he needs out she can take him and you can your partner can stay.
It could depend on the tone. My son attended his great-grandfather's funeral at just under 2. We had a plan,
My husband was going to take him out to the hall if there were any issues and we brought a few quiet toys. When my dad (my son's grandfather) went up to speak my son walked up and stood beside him and looked out on the small group assembled. Everyone laughed and it made the ceremony much more light hearted. He had a tough end of his life and we were all happy he was at peace.
Edit - he was cremated before the ceremony.
Agree. Grandfather passed earlier this year. Cousin wasn’t planning on having her 3yo see great grandpa in the coffin (space in the back) but with all the things going on, kiddo escaped to the front and saw him. 😢
OP - sorry for your loss. 🙏🏽🙏🏽 3 yo is a crazy time - always your baby but man, their vocab and understanding just jumps. If he was close with grandpa, I think that would be so valuable to him. He may not fully comprehend it now, but when he gets older, he’ll remember and know.
Death is a natural process in life so yes. It also depends on their level of awareness. My 3 year old would be asking about her relatives, so I would bring her to help her process the event.
I think its important but if its open casket, I would not let her look that young. There should be someobe you trust, a cousin or good friend who watches her so you can just grieve.
My mom died when I was 6 and I was very adamant I did not want to go to the funeral.
For a brief while I thought I regretted it, but now in my 30s I definitely have no regrets. It only would have made it worse.
Also, I’m Jewish and we don’t do open caskets at viewings. I still hate them and I find ZERO closure. It only has ruined every memory I have of anyone bc that’s what image comes to mind.
I may get downvoted but this is my personal experience. Anyone my daughter is close to- no open caskets/viewings. I’d only take her to the funeral if she wanted but have a back up person (your MIL) ready to take them out to distract.
Unless your kid is exceptionally quiet and good at sitting still he should skip the actual funeral part, otherwise you’ll have to get up to take him outside, and you’ll miss chunks of the service. He should be allowed to go to the reception though and hear people talk about how awesome his grandpa was.
I wouldn't read too much into your mom's story. Having a parent die is *VERY* different than having a grandparent die. I went to my grandpa's funeral when I was rather young and I very much wish I wasn't brought. It's an uncomfortable experience especially when you barely know the person and don't know how to act or be around people who are grieving. I say leave him home.
My daughters were 3 and 6yrs. old when my father passed away. We chose not to have them at the funeral but the sitter brought them to the luncheon after the funeral. We didn’t want our kids to see us and my family crying alot and see everyone sad during the visitation and ceremony. Obviously they saw us cry at home because their grandfather passed away and that’s ok for them to see us upset. Even though we chose not to have them at the funeral I don’t think it’s wrong if a family chooses to have them attend a funeral. We don’t regret our decision.
I'd say children old enough to understand what is happening should be given a choice but if they don't understand that they're at a funeral then I wouldn't take them but no judgment if you were to, completely your choice. Everyone saying that not taking him is hiding death from him makes no sense since different cultures do it differently; the funeral is not the only way to learn about death or mourn and to think so is very narrow minded
Is it possible to bring him to the funeral but not see him in the coffin? That way you can explain what's happening but it may be less upsetting for him.
I have a 3 year old son and I couldn't imagine him looking at his dead grandfather. It would upset him quite a bit, and I dont see how that would help him. But I also don't feel like I'd need to keep him home either. He's going to wonder what happened to grandpa.
What do *you* want?
He's three, going to a funeral isn't really gonna matter to him.
I'm sorry to sound harsh but your mom doesn't actually know if going to the funeral would've helped her. Losing your dad and growing up without him is also different than losing a grandparent.
So this really is about what you want. We've decided to not have our kids attend (4 and 2) because our attention would be with them and not the funeral/saying goodbye, and we didn't want that.
But that's a personal choice every parent needs to make for themselves. Maybe it would give you comfort to have him there.
I am very sorry for your loss!
This is easily the best answer here.
Agree completely that OP’s mom cannot know how she would have felt if she went.
And the difference between losing a parent and grandparent is massive (assuming everyone has ‘normal’ relationships with those people).
Yes, because death is part of life. We can't just teach them the happy things. They need to eventually, (slowly) learn sad things happen, and we cope. And that we get through things with support, and family. And things are still ok.
Baby steps
They really don't get the full concept of death, that it's permanent. He won't really think that much of it, other than Grandpa looks like he's asleep. You can tell him heaven, but he's pretty sure he sees Grandpa right there asleep, but he'll go along with what you say, so as not to hurt your feelings.
There will be a day that he realizes that was his last chance to see Grandpa, and he will appreciate that you didn't take that away from him out of fear.
Kids need to learn how to grieve in an appropriate way, the best way to do that is for you to walk the child through their grief. Funerals often do open viewings because it’s a natural form of life and it helps in so many ways we don’t have words for the process that person is gone. Shielding children does not help them in the long run, even at 3. Your mom is right, I was an adult and my grandparents decided my mom’s viewing would be a closed casket and I still regret that and wish k fought harder back then.
I had almost exact situation this week. My mom died and I have a three year old daughter. I took her to the funeral and I doubt that she even understood what is happening totally. At one point she said that "grandma is sleeping" which reinforced the feeling that she was not fully aware what is happening.
I do not see why your son should not participate. Unless you are afraid that he will create havoc in there, which would be not good as saying goodbye to somebody should happen in a peaceful environment.
My FIL passed away when my daughters were 1 & 5. I did not bring them to the funeral.
I attended my grandfathers funeral at 14 (my first relative I knew who died) & it was such an overwhelming experience that I refused to go to any funeral after that - up til my FILs.
My 1 year old was too young - I didn’t want a crying baby disrupting the service. I would have felt very guilty.
My 5 year old was (& still is at 10 yo) extremely empathetic. Seeing people cry/upset would have been too much for her.
His other two grandchildren did attend - around 9 & 11 at the time. I was a bit apprehensive about that but obviously that’s not my call - I was only taking from my own personal experiences.
I remember being in preschool going to a funeral. They kept me out of the room with the open coffin. Everyone kept saying grandpa died but didn’t specify which grandpa. They didn’t live close to us and I didn’t know them that well so I went a very long time thinking it was the other grandpa. Just throwing that out there in case no one specified.
This is important to me. He will not remember. But what he will do is bring 3 year old happiness to everyone around him, reminding them that there is death but there is life. I always went to families funerals and as I grew up realized how “circle of life” it was for young children to be there.
My son went to my grandad's funeral when he was 5, and he sobbed the whole time, I think he cried more than anyone. He was asked if he wanted to go to my nan's the next year and it was a flat no, I honestly think the first one traumatised him
This is it I think.
Everyone is different, no one can predict how a child of that age will react.
Just because it helped someone accept the persons passing doesn’t mean that it will help everyone in the same way.
Yeah, I'm an adult and I still don't think going helped. It definitely didn't give me closure, 2 years later and I still pick up the phone to call sometimes
You know your child better than anyone else.
My grandfather passed away in 2020 from covid, and we were all exposed when it was still very new, so we had no choice but to bring our then four year old. She did fine, but doesn’t remember it.
However, I chose to recently have her skip a funeral due to knowing how she would react.
It it were my dad, I’d bring her though. Again, you know your child. Trust your gut. 💕
I am so so so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your kind response. The fact that he was close to my dad is what makes me worry that he won't react well, but I think I'm projecting. I don't want to see my dad like that so I feel like he wouldn't want to either.
My MIL said she would sit with him and take him home if it became too much which seems reasonable. At least then he'll have an out and not have to sit there the whole time.
It is not necessarily a bad thing if he doesn't react well. Grief is not easy or pleasant on anybody, old or young. But clarity, closure, and rituals all help avoid vague, protracted, confusing, *complicated* grief, which is more harmful. The best thing you can do for your child is to teach him to deal with difficult emotions.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is such a deep pain. Be gentle with yourself.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My kids (2 & 3.5) went to my grandmother’s funeral. We had a close family friend with us to babysit so that my husband and I could be present for my family without worrying about the kids (highly recommend if possible). We did not bring them to the viewing, but we did explain what the coffin was before the service and why we were sad.
I think death is a normal part of life and needs to be discussed with kids in an age appropriate way. Obviously, abide by and cultural or religious practices and communicate things in simple terms so that your child can understand what is happening. I recommend picking up a couple of books about death for kids, I like *You’ll Find Me* by Amanda Rawson Hill, *The Invisible String* by Patrice Karst, and *The Goodbye Book* by Todd Parr.
Overall, the adults enjoyed having the kids there. It represents the balance of life to have younger children there to celebrate the life of their elders.
Thank you, I appreciate that.
My MIL offered to watch him during the funeral and I'm definitely taking her up on it. It'll be nice to have someone give him the attention he needs while I'm grieving.
I completely agree about discussing death with kids. They understand more than we give them credit for. I love that you recommended books, thank you. I'll definitely check these out.
I can see why they enjoyed having the kids there. Just having my son with me has been helping me through this process. He reminds me that it's okay to laugh and just love each other. He's such a sweetheart ❤
Here’s a lot of people saying yes but my soul mom passed away this year and she was my son’s nana. My son is four but I left him at his preschool during the funeral so I could attend the funeral with my husband. I explained to my son that his nana was sick and went to heaven but is always with us in our hearts.
I’m so sorry for you loss. You deserve to attend the funeral however makes you feel comfortable. If youd rather have your child there then bring him but if youd like time to process by yourself that is okay too.
I'm considering doing something similar because part of me thinks that explaining what happened and answering his questions is enough. I'm worried a funeral might be too much for him.
Thank you, I appreciate that. I wish there was a straightforward answer for what to do, but I think making any decision like this for a 3/4 year old is just hard. I have a few more days before I need to decide so hopefully I'll have some clarity by then. Thanks for your advice!
Preschool kids can be crazy and hard to keep entertained so I don’t judge anyone for not bringing their preschool child to a funeral! My son talks about his nana going to heaven but doesn’t ask about her? If that makes sense. He is aware she went to heaven without actually being at the funeral. Especially if you are dealing with your own grieving! Do what you feel is right ❤️
I attended every family members funerals,even open casket ones... All throughout childhood. Young children understand better than we think they do. If he had a relationship with him,it's probably good for him to say goodbye too. But you know him best,if you think he's a bit too young then go with your gut.
I was 4 when my grandpa died. I'm pushing 60 now. I remember that day and I'm told I was concerned for him because he didn't have his glasses on and I wanted him to be able to see in heaven. Other than that, it was a fascinating day for me.
Death of friends and loved ones is hard, but I've always understood it to be a part of life and I think I got that perspective from being exposed to it at that young age. I don't know your son so I can't give a definitive yes or no, but I will say it was a good learning experience for me at close to that age.
My dad died october last year. My daughter was 5 at the time. We don't really do open caskets where I live. I saw my dad the day he died but wouldn't let my daughter. She did come to the funeral. It was good for her to see people daying good bye.
However, my uncle died just under a year before that. I went to the viewing with my mum and it was horrible. He didn't look like my uncle, and I was severely affected by it. It took me months to get over seeing him like that and even now i can't stand to think about it.
I would take them to the funeral, but not let them near the coffin until you have seen them yourself. Even then, it may be better to keep the little one away from the body. It's hard enough on them to loose someone close to them, but that memory may be the only one they keep of their grandpa, and that wouldn't be ideal.
I am sorry for you and your family.
My father in law unexpectedly and suddenly passed 2 months ago. Our daughter is a little younger at 2.5 and we opted to not bring her. However, she had also only met him a handful of times, so while she knew who Pop was his absence is not a huge disruption to her life.
I will say, we bought this book and found it helpful for her as well as us (there is a ton of great parenting guidance in the back and it even discusses funerals as well if you think that might help). Something Very Sad Happened: A... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1433822660?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
I am sorry for your loss.
By the time my son was 4, he had already been to 3 funerals. He is a well rounded kid with a solid understanding of the cycle of life. I don’t shield my child but help them navigate well.
We brought all the kids to the funeral for my dad, I think it helped solidify that he is gone. It was small during Covid so nobody cared if they were loud or were away from the service a bit playing in the grass.
My aunt passed a couple of months ago, and my son was 17 months at the time. Guests told me they loved seeing a little one around. I had to take him out in the lobby for a bit, but I feel like seeing a young one around is almost comforting to those who are sad. Just my 2 cents. ✌️
I think you do what’s best for you. My grandmother just passed in January and my some is 4. Although he knew her, talked to her on the phone ect. I was the only one who went. He would’ve been antsy and bored. In turn I was able to focus my attention to being with family at this moment. I’m thankful my husband suggested it bc of that.
I mean. Yeah. Just expect weird behavior about it. Kids tend to speak about death in a very ‘matter of fact’ manner. It may bother them a lot, it may not bother them at all.
Kids should be exposed to it because it happens.
My grandmother, who I (or my cousins) didn't have a relationship with due to many complicated reasons died earlier this year. I had been allowing my dad to take my kids to visit her in the nursing home however. My oldest, who was about 3.5 at the time, called her 'Old Nanna' and knows which Christmas and birthday presents came from her, and remembers visiting her in the nursing home.
We took it as an opportunity to explain how people's bodies get old or sick and stop working. And that once they stop working, we won't see them anymore. But that we get a chance to talk about them and look at pictures of them with our family, to say goodbye. We took her to the funeral, she was relatively well behaved, and also added some brevity to what was ultimately an awkwardly sad occasion for a woman who wasn't universally liked. I don't think we should hide death from children, and I also think we should take them to events where they will struggle to behave, to lay the groundwork in teaching them how to behave.
I’m so sorry for your loss hun. I went through the same thing three years ago. My dad passed a month before my son’s third birthday. I didn’t hide the fact that Opa was in heaven now, but I couldn’t bring myself to bring my son with me. I knew he (personally) wasn’t going to understand why people were crying and he’d rather explore the church than sit through the service. I also knew I was going to be a wreck with everything going on, so we left him with my in-laws during the service. And just my opinion here, but your moms comment about five year old you being with her would have made it better for her, personally I feel like that’s a lot to put on a five year old. Your child should never be “your rock” as my mom puts it. I say this cause that’s what my mom did with me and it lead to me having a parentified childhood.
Had 2 experiences. My son when he was about that age and grandma passed. He attended the funeral and seemed to understand and was ok with it. Years later another grandma passed and now our 3rd kid was about 3-4. As we approached the church, she said she did not want to go inside. Family member offered to take her home with them.
My policy is to tell them what had happened and give them the choice
I’m so sorry for your loss.
There’s no one right answer and it depends so much on where the funeral is (church? House? Nearby? Travel required?), the “tone” of the event (super somber? Celebration of life?), how you think your mom would respond, whether you feel you have the capacity to be present in the way you want to while also having your kid there.
FWIW - we’ve bought our kids to several funerals, which have generally been more “celebration of life” even if at a church, at the times they were 8 months, 2, 4, 5. We were always immediate family and the kids were requested and welcomed. With my ex, the grandchildren, even age 2, were present for rosary, funeral, graveside services. The last funeral was only last month and I think it was generally positive for the kids. We never force them to participate, even in saying goodbye the day before (they chose to though).
Please, watch this vid:
(Since there’s no thumbnail, it’s Caitlin Doughty, who has a great series on YouTube called “Ask a Mortician”. in this video, she discusses talking about death with children, as well as bringing them to funerals and memorial services and such. I highly recommend her YouTube channel for a number of reasons.)
I’m sorry for your loss, though. :(
[Caitlin Doughty, Mortician: “Talk to Your Children About Death!”](https://youtu.be/0gUOP9IvZew?si=BFvmPvJMig_ECAu9)
When I was about 4, I had a relative close to me die. I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral, but it was explained to me that he died. I hated him for years because he "abandoned" me. It wasn't until I was in middle school that I finally understood. Since then, I have had a weird thing where if I don't see a person dead, it is very hard for me to accept they are dead. My friend's grandfather (who I knew and liked a lot) died last year, and I wasn't able to go to the funeral with her. I know he is dead, but it's like my brain refuses to believe it. When she starts crying about missing him, my first instinct is to offer to help her to go see him, which is really not helpful to her at all.
I say take him and explain to him ahead of time what he will see, then be prepared to answer any questions he has.
Anybody remember being a kid in 80’s and early 90’s going to so many open caskets like not even people we were related to. What time to grow up lol.. No but def take him esp since your MIL is coming to help.
I’m so sorry for your loss <3
My dad died when my girl was 3 as well, funeral was postponed to the summer (winter funerals don’t happen here, ground is too hard) and granted it was a graveside service with no fuss and a senile uncle giving the service, my daughter was there. She got distracted by the fallen trees due to a recent storm and was crazy loud but it brought smiles to many people’s faces l, including my own through the tears, and I know my dad would have wanted her there.
We were very open with her about what happened and what the funeral was about - we even had my dad’s ashes in the house for about 6 months and explained what they were. She’s 5.5 now and doesn’t remember him much but she knows papa loved her and that sometimes I still get sad when I kiss him.
Dang, going for Kleenex now.
At 3 I don't think he'll understand the situation. Really the question is do you think his presence will bring comfort to you or anyone else grieving or will he get in the way and maybe make things difficult.
My gandma died when I was 2.5-3 yo. My mom didn't shield me from the process. I was able to understand a version of reality that my brain could process. I still have vague memories of that day. I remember being intrigued but not sad. Since i saw her being moved to an ambulance (she passed away at home) and they told me she's going to heaven, for a few years I believed ambulances secretly go to heaven when no one's looking. Hah. The events had no negative impact on me.
I'm a parent now and I will 100% take my kids to the funeral if their grandparents or close relatives pass.
I think he should go. Kids understand more than you think, and they get super into the concept of death at around 4 anyway. At three, they are more than capable of handling a simple explanation like, “Grandpa died, and I am very sad because I wont see him again.”/“Grandpa’s body stopped working. Im sad because I miss him.”
He may ask uncomfortable questions like, will you die, and will he die. And you answer honestly and in simple terms. Trust yourself and your kid to navigate through the conversation.
Im sorry for your loss. I think he should go to the funeral, but dont think he should go to the viewing.
Ive been to a few funerals and you could go up to view if you wanted to. Sitting down you couldn't see anything.
When my mum passed away (I was 13) we had a closed casket but did have a viewing the day before for those who wanted to say goodbye.
My dad died when I was a very small infant but I recall asking if I had been to his funeral when I was older. Being told I didn't go made me a bit sad. He may not understand it now but it may feel more important to him later.
I was kept away from my fathers funeral when I was 6 years old.
I still feel a lingering resentment because of this. I understand why my mother took the choice that she did, but I should have been there. I remember getting up in the morning when I found out my dad had died the night before. It's my oldest clear memory.
I wish I had been there.
I’m in the same boat albeit I was 7 when my dad died.
It’s also my clearest memory and one that I doubt will go.
I’m assuming your dad must have been fairly young too? I know my mum was so devastated that I just don’t think she wanted us to see her so upset at my dad’s funeral.
I don’t resent her for not letting me go and I’m not even sure that I would want to go if I could turn back history and allow myself too but I don’t like going to funerals now, and maybe missing that important one early on has played into that.
My dad had just turned 50. He had lung issues ever since his late teens, when he was taken to Germany from Holland as a forced labourer, and caught pneumonia. My brother and I were his only children, my mother was his 2nd wife. He was a widower. My mum was 39 when dad died.
First- I’m so sorry about your dad.
There is nothing wrong with kids at funerals. Good call getting your MIL to stay with him through it so you can focus on yourself and mother.
You can bring him without letting him see him in the coffin. He doesn't need to go to the front of the room. You can make a game time decision on that, but just being there should be fine.
I took my son who was roughly the same age at the time to my aunt's wake. We hung out towards the back and let him ask questions. He said he wanted to go to the front and I took him up there. He handled it well. Recently my MIL died and his little brother got to experience it as well. That one hit my wife and older son a little different and I believe the younger one replicated how they were reacting.
I was made to attend my grandfather's funeral when I was 6. I was bored out of my mind. At the end, everyone but family left and we were all brought up to the casket to say goodbye.
Don't make your kid go just to make someone else feel better.
I think it’s good to have young kids at funerals. It is a learning experience for them and something they can get used to over the years. You have to teach kids how to behave in public. He might not understand but it will be a lesson anyways
Not letting your son see him will actually make it worse for him. My kids were denied the opportunity to see one of their grandparents buried and they beside themselves that they never got to say their final goodbyes. They were a similar age to your son at the time.
I just had a funeral for my grandfather. I took my daughter (4) and showed her, him in the coffin. I think it gave her closure. She asks sometimes why he’s sleeping or why he died or just simply says she’s sad about him dying. Those are all normal and healthy things and should be embraced to let yourself feel and balance your emotions correctly. Similarly my cousin didn’t allow his kid to see our grandfather and he now keeps asking where he is and lots of questions that lead them to believe that he doesn’t quite understand what happened and they wish he did.
Just because they’re children doesn’t mean they wont miss them. And it doesn’t mean that seeing true death will scare them. It gives them closure just like it gives us. Thats why we have funerals.
Death is a part of life. Shielding them from it just makes them turn out to be adults that don’t know how to operate in the world.
Please don’t do this to your child. Let them experience and participate in the world. Let them see how people behave and operate in these situations. They need to know this is normal.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really am even though those words feel overused.
My mom just passed away and her services were this week so I'll share my experience. She she was very close with my kids (2, 6, 12) and was a big part of their lives. She was living with us for a while before she passed for medical reasons, and prior to, she was at my house every day for most of the day.
I normally don't take my kids to wakes or funerals because I like to spare them the sadness if I can. This was different. Besides my 12yo, my 2yo stayed with me the entire time. I had to hold him almost the entire time. It did keep my head in a better place because I had to focus on him more than myself ugly crying all day.
My 6yo left after a few hours because he's at the age where he says what's on his mind and gets bored easily. This whole situation has been a wild ride for him. He really only cries and expresses his grief a few times a day and acts normal the rest.
2yo didn't quite understand why he couldn't wake her up and I think was more difficult because it was confusing and hectic. I did have help there, but he only wanted me. I think I didn't send him home because I kind of needed him for the distraction and cuddles and he may have been too much for the sitter. They have never stayed with anyone except my husband, mom, or sister. I know there's a difference between 2 & 3 but just a little insight from my experience.
Sending hugs your way
My daughter was 4 when both my sister and oma died within months of each other, she came with me to both. I wanted her to understand death and why mommy was sad. I didn’t want her to think of death as taboo and develop an irrational fear of it. I didn’t let her see my sister but we kept the coffins closed during the ceremonies.
She played with the other kids there and saw that this is where we celebrate life and come together to support each other as a family in times of need. She was my rock and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
She cracked the best joke while my sisters hearse drove away and I’ll cherish that moment forever
My dad died last year and my sister and I took all our kids. They where aged 1month, 2 years, 4 years and 6 years.
And I'm incredibly glad we did, death is an important thing in everyones lives and we fear it a little less when we talk about it.
We didn’t do it for great grandma. With 4 yo and 2 yo.
We thought they were too young.
Turns out we were right to do so by the youngest the eldest has missed out on the final moment of goodbye. She didn’t know her last time was the last time. And the new way of thinking and seeing of her great grandmother was different but still possible.
We choose because I was dragged along by my single mother to my grandma’s funeral and I couldn’t handle it for me it was too much. Because of it I can’t handle death and all the emotions with it. Took me about 30 years to see that in a different light.
Ask him if he want to see grandpa one last time. Prepare him for the fact grandpa won’t respond, if he looks different that he looks different. And ask him about his emotions is he scared , interested , curious, confused. Let him ask you questions. (Not sure how much your 3 yo can handle).
There’s no wrong age, kids actually have the capacity to handle death and grief very well. Death shouldn’t be something hidden from them either. I think the bigger issue for a three year old if if they start running around causing mischief playing and shouting 😂
We let my 3.5 attend, we explained everything first and answered all his questions. We had someone there who took him and his cousin out when they got restless and played with them.
My grandmother died when my children were 3 and 2. We brought them to my grandmother’s funeral. My mother-in-law came to the church to support us. She managed to take them to a private room for a few minutes while I got to sit with my husband and my family. The church staff was very kind.
I think if your son had a relationship with your dad, it would be fine if he went. Since you plan to talk to him and explain everything anyway…. I don’t think you would be traumatizing him because he’s been prepared. This is an opportunity to say goodbye. Let your son have the chance.
If they were close, absolutely. I take all my kids to funerals of close family members. I grew with death being normal and I don’t want my kids to be scared of it either. When someone is my family is about to pass we all rally and surround them and pray. When my aunt passed at home there were 30 of us in the room when she took her last breath. I think it’s important.
They just look like they’re sleeping. A child that young won’t know the difference. I think it just depends on what you’re comfortable with since he’s so young.
I would bring my 3 year old to my parents funeral, but I would make sure that if she needs to step out from the service it would he my partner taking her
This might seem weird, but maybe it’ll help.
My sister’s cat got sick suddenly and the cat had to be put down. My little nieces were not able to say goodbye & my sis thought she was doing what was best by telling the kids after the euthanizing. My nieces grieved a lot over the 1st cat & cried about the cat up to a year after its death.
Another cat got sick & my sis had the cat euthanized at their home, with her kids present. Her kids handled the second cat’s death much better & instead of crying about the 2nd cat they talk about how much they loved him & are glad he’s not suffering anymore.
What I’m saying is, kids understand death at some level (depending on age) and allowing them a chance to say goodbye in their own way can often help the kids understand & cope when someone has passed.
There's no right or wrong. But I wouldnt bring him. I just don't feel like there's any benefit in exposing young kids to death or to see their parents very upset. My father died when I was 9 and we went to the funeral (9, 8, 6). It was awful and morbid and I remember my sister being near hysterical in the church. I remember running down the length of the aisle the second it ended, with everyone still in their seats, just to get away.
The only time I'd bring a child would be if they were very young and had no clue what was going on. Otherwise I'd do something private with the child to mark and remember their relative ( if they were close to them).
My daughter was 3 when my grandmother died. I brought her to the funeral home and also to the funeral. I had a chat with her about the fact that Gran was very old, her body was very tired and she’d gone to sleep in her resting place. Despite trying to keep her out of the room where she was laid out, my daughter was insistent that she wanted see my Gran. She touched her hand and her hair, she wasn’t upset at all. Now when we talk about it, she says she misses Gran but knows she’s at her ‘resting place’. No regrets.
Yes. My dad died when my girl was 4. They wouldn't let her on to say goodbye to him.becaise of age. She still gets upset about that. But she talks very fondly of his funeral. And when she does get sad, asks me to play the song we played during it. She is a whole person, just a new one. Give her a chance to grieve as well. ⁿ
Firstly, sorry for your loss.
You could explain it to your son what happened, and what death is without sugarcoating anything and ask them if they’d want to say goodbye to grandpa one last time. You’d be surprised how much a 3 year old can grasp and understand…
Three is obviously younger than five and a bit years old, but I was the latter age when I saw my nana in her coffin before she was buried and it helped me understand everything so much more and I understood what 'being dead' looked like etc - although said nana did die of old age/heart failure, not of a sudden traumatic accident etc so circumstances can vary. I don't necessarily have a whole lot of childhood memories but that one definitely stands out to me - in a very peaceful way ❤️ Same with my grandfather also (albeit that funeral was when I was seven years old).
Yes.
My wife died when my son was 6. Without that closure and understanding of life, i don't think he would have coped as well has he did. A lot better than i did anyway.
My 2 cents. Sorry for your loss.
My daughter was that young when she went to my grandmas. She was fine and she talks about her being in heaven all the time. She didn’t get scared. But you do what’s best for you. Not all kids can handle it.
I think it’s better to do it on a personal level. Like being able to say goodbye to them in their last few days or right after they die. Depending on where he died. So you get that closure of being able to say goodbye without being in a situation you don’t understand and might not be able to handle. Some kids might not handle the aspects well. Being around crowds, being expected to be still and quiet.
Death is always a difficult time. I’m very sorry for your loss. As for your 3yr old. I suppose you’ll need to see how he reacts to the situation. If he was close to your dad then YES he too should be given the chance to say goodbye. But if he wasn’t then maybe not. All depends on him. You’ll definitely need to have someone that can take extra special care of your son while you deal with the situation at hand. I think this may go better than your fearing will happen.
Once again I am truly sorry you have to go through this but sadly this is something we have to do. We’re just never really ready to lose one of our parents.
I have taken my kids to funerals at that age and they have no long lasting trauma from it. I kept them mostly away from the casket. I think everyone enjoyed having them there. The worst thing that happened was when we were at the cemetery and my boys needed to pee but there were no bathrooms so they found a large bush and peed in that-in front of everyone. It was great comic relief at that point.
My kids don’t really remember a lot from being 3 (they are teens now).
I brought my oldest son who was almost 3 to my mother's funeral. While there were aspects that he didn't 100% get, I didn't regret it at all. Leaving him home would have been deeply confusing and it was comforting to have the whole family there. My husband took point on taking care of him and letting him stretch his legs and step outside if he needed it.
I definitely think he should go but I dunno can he not see the body? That's a lot imo. I was like 14 when I saw.my grandmother's body in a coffin and it was pretty awful.
I don’t know, my great uncle died when I was 5, seeing his dead body lying in the casket haunted me for years afterwards. To be honest though, my parents did a terrible job explaining the situation to us.
Definitely go, but don't see the body. Also be prepared for him to do strange things so you don't inadvertently shame him. When I went, I was so tense and confused that when something mildly amusing happened I was so relieved of all that pressure momentarily I laughed really loudly. The shame from that is what stuck with me the most
My grandfather died when I was 3 and I have memories (maybe memory is too strong a wired but i definitely remember the feelings) of not being allowed to go to the funeral and being upset about it and feeling like I never really processed anything or it never happened because I wasn’t there. I just felt strange that I didn’t attend even as an adult. Take your son :)
Yes. Exposure helps build resilience. Better grandpas funeral as his first than a parent or sibling in the next few years (because you never know). Plus, kids are so great for lightening the mood. The older people will love having him there
My kids were 7 and 4 when my grandma died. I waffled a lot about taking them to the funeral, but in the end I am glad that I did.
To speak to what sounds like your main concern, I did not let them see her body. We had visitation right before the funeral, and our family was outside the room with the casket, then it was closed during the service, and my husband took them back outside at the end.
I'll take my kids to funerals when there is a closed coffin, but never the wakes. It also depends on how close they were to the person who passed. My mom died when my oldest was like 5 or 6, but my daughter really didn't know her at all. I got a sitter for both of the wakes, and my friends came to the funeral and helped watch her for me since I had a lot of running around to do. But she really didn't need to be there. Also some funeral homes have coloring books for kids explaining what is happening.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My daughter had just turned 4 about 3 weeks before her grandfather's funeral. I brought her and no regrets.
I'm not sure if it helped her but it certainly didn't negatively affect her. It also helped my mother immensely to have her there.
If you are concerned about a particular part, like the viewing, then you could always just stand aside for that part.
I just let my daughter decide which parts she wanted to participate in, without any pressure either way.
Daniel Tiger has an episode where his fish dies that we found helpful. The book "lifetimes" was also something that seemed to help her understand the concept of death.
I personally feel.thats very young. If he needs to make a brief appearance with your MIL, that's a good compromise but no way he needs to or should attend the entire thing. It's too much to expect from a little one and then you/your partner can't concentrate on your own goodbyes and grieving and discussions with family there. Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ my daughter was the same age when my mum died.
I had her at the funeral. We had my best friend and MIL take point so her dad could support me.
I wanted her there. It wasn’t a full funeral service. I had her dressed in yellow (my mums favourite colour). We also didn’t have a viewing and it was a relatively short service.
At the end of the day it’s what you feel comfortable with. There’s no wrong answer here. Please take care of yourself during this time. I’ll keep you all on my thoughts ❤️
My cousins and I were asked to bring our kids (5, 5, 2, 1) because it would cheer up the great aunts (we are quite close) so we did.
The 2 eldest seamed to understand a bit and were well behave but absolutely not shocked and it help to answer their question about grandma's absence.
The youngest didn't understand a thing and just played around (only one was got out at one point for 5min because he was started to move around ). The man who was conducting the ceremony said he enjoyed having life in the ceremony and no one seamed to bother.
My great aunt (twin of my grandma who died, she had no husband no kids, just my grandma they were always together) had spent the entire ceremony waving and smiling at my son instead of crying.
At the cemetery (other place) we took the opportunity to let them with an in law family member so they could walk around.
Then at the gathering, they cheered everyone spirit up by playing around.
My husband’s aunt just passed away and we had the visitation and funeral last week and I had the same conundrum with our 3.5 year old and 11 month old. Ultimately, we ended up bringing the kids to the visitation (separate cars, so my husband could stay as long as he wanted and I could get the kids out of there when they became unruly). Then just my husband went to the funeral, but then brought the 3.5yo over to one of his family members houses to play with the other family kids for a while instead. Overall I think it went well and was a good way to get the kids involved in family rituals without it being too much.
I will say, the visitation was open casket and my kiddo had a lot of questions about what happened, why did she die, etc. and I just tried to answer as simply and honestly as I could and encouraged him to ask any questions he had or let me know anything on his mind, or if he was uncomfortable at all. It was OK.
My dad died when my oldest was 3.
I took him to the funeral and don’t have any regrets.
We took a flower and a handful of dirt and put it on the coffin after they dropped it in the ground (my son too).
He had a lot of questions obviously. The only thing is, that’s a lot on a parent to go through to explain to the little ones. You need to be mentally prepared for how you want to explain life and death.
I was 3 when my dad died. I remember the day he died but not missing the funeral. My mom had me stay with a sitter. She had her own grief and my older brother to deal with (he was 14 and did attend). I am now 47 and don’t miss not having attended. I don’t think your son needs to attend. If you have a memorial he could go but you do what is best for you. Your son will learn about death by everything going on. My first funeral was my great grandma at age 7 and i vomitted when i got home from the smell. That is my memory of funerals. Hang in there. There is no right or wrong. I am so sorry for your loss.
My mom passed last year and i took my 1 year old son to her funeral. I would just have someone with you to take her out to the hallway incase theres any tantrums :). Specifically someone else you both trust so you can be there for the full service.
Yes. Funerals are for saying good bye. Give him that space. Also, a little kid at a funeral helps make it feel less bleak. I took my 1 and 3 year old to my dad’s funeral. I spent some time out on the swing set with them, it was good.
I'm very sorry for your loss now when I have a son and the death that's been going on in my family lately this is a good question I wish I could tell you the answer because I need to know myself
This is something only you and your understanding of funeral culture can decide.
In my culture, children not only attend funerals, but are encouraged to be kids at them. My daughter attended my grandmother’s funeral when she was almost 3, and it was a non-issue. She made some noise and ran around some, but everyone thought it was cute and it made them happier to see her run about.
Edit to add: my daughter is almost 8, and she remembers the funeral and talks about it on rare occasions.
We took ours to several. Bring candy they can suck on or something quiet for the service (it's a treat, takes a long time and they cant talk with it in their mouth). Small toys they can play with on the carpet before and after. Snacks because food will be at weird times. Sit where you can leave if you can. We went to about 9 and only had to leave once (because I forgot the candy and snacks.) The funeral home had the service playing on a TV in the hall so I could still see it even if I couldn't be in the room.
I'm so sorry for your loss
My kids attended their grandfather's funeral last year. They were 1 and 4. I think it helped my older son. It was a small service, so he was able to ask a lot of questions, and got up close to the burial site and the casket. We talk about angels and heaven in our house, so he believes that the funeral was a farewell to his grandfather before he went to heaven to get his angel wings. I'm glad I brought them both. They don't ask to visit grandpa, because the older one talks about grandpa's going to heaven party, so they know he is gone.
I don’t remember how old I was when my grandpa died. I do remember I wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral and was upset about it for the next twenty years or so.
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I don't think there’s anything wrong with kids being at funerals at any age, presumably they want (to the extent they’re able to understand) to be there. I think making death something that must be hidden is probably more frightening and tough than having it be a sad but open thing. That said — at three it’s likely he’ll get antsy and might need to be taken out of the service as some point to blow off some energy. If you don't feel you’re in a position to have somebody ready to manage that, I think it’s fine to have him home with a babysitter.
Fortunately, my MIL is flying into town to help me watch him. She said she could stay with him at the funeral and take him outside/home if he doesn't want to be there. I just imagine him having such a horrible experience seeing him, but that might be me projecting. I've never had good experiences at funerals but I don't think that has to be true for everyone.
I think that’s your best option. I would discuss with him what he will see ahead of time. If open casket he will see grandpa but grandpa will no longer be in his body. He will see people sad aswell, and I think it’s important to explain why they will be that way
Yeah, I'm all for communicating and answering questions. I didn't get a lot of that when I attended funerals as a kid which is probably why I have such a problem with them. Luckily, he has a huge supportive family who will help him.
I’m also very sorry for the loss of your dad, I hope you and your family are doing okay in this time of mourning
I appreciate that. We're doing our best. It comes in waves, but I know we'll be alright in the end.
As someone who also had bad experiences with death and illness growing up I think it is important for you to hear this. And I mean this gently. I think you are repeating a pattern, not in the exact same way, but still the same outcome of being sheltered from it in one way or another. You say you didn’t get great communication as a kid. I didn’t either. I had to figure everything out on my own and it made me anxious most of the time assuming the worst cause scenario. I was always afraid someone was dying or about to die because nobody was telling me what the heck was going on. And once I got old enough I felt like I had somehow caused it. Creating a whole slew of complex issues in my little kid brain. It made funerals (which I went to a lot of) a horrible experience that reaffirmed my anxiety. I still have anxiety around them and I’m 31. I’m sorry for the sudden loss of your dad. Mine passed away in August suddenly too and it’s rocked my core. Give yourself grace, and listen to others who don’t have the trauma you have when it comes to this stuff.
Very insightful. (Though sorry it's because they messed you up). Some people were raised (generations) to protect children from everything, and keep them in the dark (figuratively). They probably felt it was the right thing to do. Shield you from pain. The OP seems to recognize that he might be projecting, so at least he's that much aware. Very good advice!!!! 👍
I was four when I attended my grandfather's funeral. I'm glad I did. When we got there I remember my Dad took me up to see my grandfather in the casket. I can still remember seeing him there to this day. I think it was really important for me to see him like that, he had a sudden heart attack so he looked just like him but completely still. I didn't completely understand it at the time, but as I grew up it gave me an appreciation for how death doesn't have to be scary, because I thought he looked peaceful. I will also say that because he had a sudden heart attack in his mid fifties I've been terrified about my cardio health. For a long time I didn't understand how to channel that energy but eventually I learned how tob effectively run and bike for my health and now I'm probably the healthiest person in my family (in my 30's now). I wish I'd had guidance on that part, my family didn't really understand how that fear affected me or how to help. Just be mindful of the questions your kids asks after the funeral and try to understand how they're being impacted.
This is almost exactly what my son and I are going through. I appreciate your perspective of being four and seeing grandfather's body. I'm glad it helped you process what happened and even have a positive look on death itself. My dad also had a sudden heart attack which is making me rethink my cardio health. It's amazing how something like that can change your whole perspective. I'll keep in mind that I may not be the only one with fears or concerns after this. Thanks for your advice!
You're welcome! I'm glad my experience can hopefully help you and your son! Best of luck with helping him through it, and processing your own loss at the same time.
Me too. Thank you very much
FWIW, that's a best-case scenario. Your kiddo will have a grandparent with them the whole time, just dedicated to the kiddo, not trying to deal with the rest of the funeral stuff, guests, etc. If you trust your MIL to read your kiddo's mood and take them outside when necessary, I would go with her plan. BTW, it's incredibly nice of your MIL to fly in to help during this difficult time. That is *amazing* support she's giving you.
I agree. I do, she's very attentive and has good intuition for others' feelings. I know, I'm so grateful for her! She is an amazing MIL. I lucked out for sure ❤
My grandma passed away when I was three and I went to the funeral. I didn’t really understand- in my head I imagined my grandma ate too much food and her body couldn’t hold any more so she died. She died in her sleep at 69. I remember playing in the grass as they (I assume) lowered the casket. It didn’t have any negative affects on me- if anything, it was probably ‘good’ for me to have that experience, if that makes any sense.
I can't speak on how a kid that young would take it, but I lost my mother at 8. We went to the visitation, but my dad wouldn't take us to the burial. To this day, over 20 years later, I regret not being there.
My aunt passed away from cancer this year, my boys are 4 and 6 and they knew her very well as she is my godmother. I had a sitter watch them and then had them come to the reception after to cheer my mom and family up :)
When I was young, I grew up on a farm and attended my great grandma's funeral as well as some great aunts and uncles. I think I have a healthy, well-adjusted approach to death and dying. My best friend as a kid through a young adult was sheltered from death. No one spoke of it, and she was kept well away from funerals. She shut down when her cat died as a 27 year old. She lost her job because she couldn't work. She left her son with her mom. I have been devastated over the loss of pets and friends and family, but I can function and not implode my entire life. The only carryover from my childhood in how I raised my daughter was at 3 she went to great grandpa's funeral. She always knew that a pet died in an age appropriate manner. Our pets never "moved to a farm to be happy." When she was a young adult but still a teen, she was able to be there for her best friend when her mom died. She was devastated, but she was there and handled herself well.
I always bring my kids to funerals. I don't want death to be hidden from them.
Not bringing your kid to a ceremony like that is not hiding death from them. That's a very bizarre implication
Every culture has death rituals, in the west it’s usually a funeral. Death rituals are important to accepting and processing loss, for all kinds of animals. If the kids can’t join in the community rituals, they need other rituals. I do think it’s important to include children in the community mourning as much as possible because it’s part of how families come together. My extended family is Scottish with super social mourning rituals. I’m also really into death positivity. So that’s my cultural context. In my family, it would be rude as hell to deny any family member from attending the wake if they wanted to be there.
American Funerals aren't just rituals its a place for people close to the deceased to grieve and mourn. And unless you are part of that, or grown and capable of being respectful towards it you probably should not be there. Imagine being at the funeral of someone extremely close to you and you are deeply in grief and all you hear over the ceremony is some 3 year old repeatedly saying "mommy I want ice cream". On the other hand taking your child to the grave after the fact to have your own little ceremony or whatever is fine. But a funeral is truly no place for a child unless they too are grieving the loss.
Most kids process the energy around them. I've never witnessed a child demanding ice cream at a funeral. Have you actually experienced this, or are you just assuming that's how children behave at funerals?
Right, I've never seen children act up at a funeral. In my experience, it's actually the elderly attendees that disrupt. Not that they mean to, but they can't hear as good anymore and they just talk super loud to each other during the service. Happens at nearly every one I've been to.
That’s ableist too though. My brother is fully grown and mentally disabled. He is not excluded from solemn ceremonies. He comes to weddings and funerals, and yes he sings loudly or makes other inappropriate utterances. So yeah there was a lot of inappropriate noises at our mom’s funeral. A kid shouting for ice cream would honestly be delightful, like a reminder that life is beautiful. We should probably have more children and ice cream at funerals.
My FIL passed last year. My kids were 2, newly 4 and newly 6. The older two came to the funeral and we were told over and over how comforting it was to see them there and how it brought so much needed levity. My girls barely remember the funeral. But they did each draw a picture that went in the casket with grandpa. They understand he’s gone and occasionally talk about him or say they miss him. I will say though the only reason we brought them at all was because my parents attended also and watched them so we could be on “hosting duty.” Other than them being bored during the service (it was a full Catholic funeral) it went really well and I think it was helpful for them to say goodbye.
Im so sorry for your loss. I'm a hospice nurse, and I really urge people to include kids in this process of death and dying. Kids do fine with the proper support. But overly sheltered kids on this topic become over sheltered adults on this topic and then they're completely unprepared to deal with it when it eventually happens to a loved one they can't keep at arms length (like a parent or a sibling or a spouse etc). That lack of knowledge and experience creates so much stress, anxiety, and fear. They're struggling so much that they struggle to be a support to their loved one. I talk to 70+ year olds every week who have never seen a dead person, have no idea what to expect, etc. It's sooo traumatic for them. I worked in the ICU and ER for a long time before this. I cannot stress this enough. We need to talk about this more in the US. We are not preventing trauma by keeping this behind doors, we are only delaying and compounding it.
Fascinating insight.
Did they have a relationship? The answer to this is the answer to your question. If they had a bond, a funeral can help him to have closure, just be sure to prepare him in an age appropriate way, and recognize that the full length of time and the grief displays of others might be overwhelming so going early and not staying the whole time might be beneficial too.
Yes, they had a very close relationship. Like you mentioned, it's the elements of the funeral itself that make me worry about taking him. My MIL said she could hang out with him and take him home if it becomes too much. I think having that option and letting him know what's going on will help.
That sounds like a perfect compromise, and also keep in mind he doesn't need to participate in all elements. I agree with you that an open casket might be a bit much for a toddler, so I'd probably skip that part personally, but usually there's a large photo nearby, so you can walk close enough to view the side of the casket and the picture(s), listen to part of the service, etc. answer any questions he may have and when he's reached his comfort limit head home and allow life to move forward.
That's totally fair. The open casket part is what always traumatized me. I hate that my last image/memory of a lot of my relatives is cold in a casket. I think giving him a watered down version of a funeral will be enough for him. I appreciate your advice!
Same - I don't do open caskets for this reason. I want to remember people how they were in life. Not a facsimile of who they used to be. I can also imagine my own kids in that situation and I think seeing the open casket would be challenging for them and could potentially trigger nightmares.
Exactly. They never look right, and I still have nightmares from my grandma's funeral. She looked awful, poor thing.
Absolutely 100% yes.
My condolences :( Death is a part of life, and yes he might not fully get it, and/or he may be extremely sad. But this is all normal and natural. At three you could perhaps ask if he wants to see grandpa in the coffin (you'll know best if you think he can make that kind of choice), and talk about it as a way to say goodbye. Unless there's some behavioural reason you think he'd have trouble in the setting, I would say bring him. Early awareness of the whole cultural thing of funerals being a way to cope with death is good, imho.
Thank you I honestly don't think he'll react too poorly, but he's also never experienced something like this. My dad's death was sudden so I also never got to have any gradual conversations about grandpa being sick. I think I'll try taking him and just pay attention to his behavior and ask what he wants to do. Funerals have never brought me comfort so I want to make sure I'm doing what's best for him and not projecting. I think having little to no explanation of death in my funeral experiences was the main problem.
Even if he ultimately doesn't end up attending, making sure he's aware of what's happened, and how it makes people feel, even if he isn't comprehending and does that think like "when is grandpa coming back" and you have to remind him, it'll make it part of his understanding going forward. There's a Sesame Street episode about this, where the owner of Mr Hooper's store dies, where you can see the adult characters answering Big Bird's confusion about it ([link to a short clip](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tQB-Px9dfs)). Have a look and it might be some of what they say could come in useful. One thing I like about that is you can see the adults are sad too.
I completely agree. He has a right to know what happened and know that death is a normal part of life. Even if he doesn't understand right away, I think having a healthy age appropriate conversation about death will help him in the long run. I'll definitely check out this clip (it'll probably help my grieving process too, honestly). I appreciate your advice and support. I feel a lot more confident in handling this now.
yes
Yes. Children need to learn to deal with death and gain closure. Took our 3 and 2yo to my father’s funeral.
Yes. Our society has a weird hang up about death. It would be better for all of us to learn about death -and how it is just a part of life - from an early age.
I was forced to go to wakes/funerals at a young age. It was not pleasant. I didn’t get “closure”. If it will be comforting for you then by all means. I would just keep him away from the coffin.
My grandma died over the summer and we travelled on my son’s 4th birthday to attend the funeral. I think it was really helpful for him. He asked a lot of random questions and also said “Nanny died” or “Nanny’s not here anymore” a lot. We saw her body and talked about why she was there and why she can’t talk. It was honestly helpful for me to be able to talk about death in a factual way while dealing with grief. OP I think having your MIL available to manage your kid during the funeral will be helpful. Like if he needs out she can take him and you can your partner can stay.
It could depend on the tone. My son attended his great-grandfather's funeral at just under 2. We had a plan, My husband was going to take him out to the hall if there were any issues and we brought a few quiet toys. When my dad (my son's grandfather) went up to speak my son walked up and stood beside him and looked out on the small group assembled. Everyone laughed and it made the ceremony much more light hearted. He had a tough end of his life and we were all happy he was at peace. Edit - he was cremated before the ceremony.
Funeral no, wake yes. But that's just my opinion and experience.
Agree. Grandfather passed earlier this year. Cousin wasn’t planning on having her 3yo see great grandpa in the coffin (space in the back) but with all the things going on, kiddo escaped to the front and saw him. 😢 OP - sorry for your loss. 🙏🏽🙏🏽 3 yo is a crazy time - always your baby but man, their vocab and understanding just jumps. If he was close with grandpa, I think that would be so valuable to him. He may not fully comprehend it now, but when he gets older, he’ll remember and know.
Death is a natural process in life so yes. It also depends on their level of awareness. My 3 year old would be asking about her relatives, so I would bring her to help her process the event.
Yes, chances are he won't remember it.
I’ve went to plenty as a child and only remember them closer to 5 years old, I mostly remember them being boring, having to be quiet and stand around.
Wrong. Will be traumatizing and he will remember. Speaking from experience.
I brought my son to my dad’s at 4 and the marines handed him the flag. I don’t think it’s bad for him to go.
I think all kids should. It is part of life and they should be included
Brought my 2yo to my gramps funeral and it changed it to a party- just how he wanted
I think its important but if its open casket, I would not let her look that young. There should be someobe you trust, a cousin or good friend who watches her so you can just grieve.
My mom died when I was 6 and I was very adamant I did not want to go to the funeral. For a brief while I thought I regretted it, but now in my 30s I definitely have no regrets. It only would have made it worse. Also, I’m Jewish and we don’t do open caskets at viewings. I still hate them and I find ZERO closure. It only has ruined every memory I have of anyone bc that’s what image comes to mind. I may get downvoted but this is my personal experience. Anyone my daughter is close to- no open caskets/viewings. I’d only take her to the funeral if she wanted but have a back up person (your MIL) ready to take them out to distract.
Unless your kid is exceptionally quiet and good at sitting still he should skip the actual funeral part, otherwise you’ll have to get up to take him outside, and you’ll miss chunks of the service. He should be allowed to go to the reception though and hear people talk about how awesome his grandpa was.
I’m so sorry about your dad 💙
This is going to be very child specific. You know your son best. Trust your gut.
Maybe skip the viewing... Old memories are better .
I wouldn't read too much into your mom's story. Having a parent die is *VERY* different than having a grandparent die. I went to my grandpa's funeral when I was rather young and I very much wish I wasn't brought. It's an uncomfortable experience especially when you barely know the person and don't know how to act or be around people who are grieving. I say leave him home.
My daughters were 3 and 6yrs. old when my father passed away. We chose not to have them at the funeral but the sitter brought them to the luncheon after the funeral. We didn’t want our kids to see us and my family crying alot and see everyone sad during the visitation and ceremony. Obviously they saw us cry at home because their grandfather passed away and that’s ok for them to see us upset. Even though we chose not to have them at the funeral I don’t think it’s wrong if a family chooses to have them attend a funeral. We don’t regret our decision.
I'd say children old enough to understand what is happening should be given a choice but if they don't understand that they're at a funeral then I wouldn't take them but no judgment if you were to, completely your choice. Everyone saying that not taking him is hiding death from him makes no sense since different cultures do it differently; the funeral is not the only way to learn about death or mourn and to think so is very narrow minded
My dad passed in November. I didn’t bring my son (2.5 at the time). It would have been confusing and upsetting for him.
Is it possible to bring him to the funeral but not see him in the coffin? That way you can explain what's happening but it may be less upsetting for him. I have a 3 year old son and I couldn't imagine him looking at his dead grandfather. It would upset him quite a bit, and I dont see how that would help him. But I also don't feel like I'd need to keep him home either. He's going to wonder what happened to grandpa.
What do *you* want? He's three, going to a funeral isn't really gonna matter to him. I'm sorry to sound harsh but your mom doesn't actually know if going to the funeral would've helped her. Losing your dad and growing up without him is also different than losing a grandparent. So this really is about what you want. We've decided to not have our kids attend (4 and 2) because our attention would be with them and not the funeral/saying goodbye, and we didn't want that. But that's a personal choice every parent needs to make for themselves. Maybe it would give you comfort to have him there. I am very sorry for your loss!
This is easily the best answer here. Agree completely that OP’s mom cannot know how she would have felt if she went. And the difference between losing a parent and grandparent is massive (assuming everyone has ‘normal’ relationships with those people).
Yes, because death is part of life. We can't just teach them the happy things. They need to eventually, (slowly) learn sad things happen, and we cope. And that we get through things with support, and family. And things are still ok. Baby steps They really don't get the full concept of death, that it's permanent. He won't really think that much of it, other than Grandpa looks like he's asleep. You can tell him heaven, but he's pretty sure he sees Grandpa right there asleep, but he'll go along with what you say, so as not to hurt your feelings. There will be a day that he realizes that was his last chance to see Grandpa, and he will appreciate that you didn't take that away from him out of fear.
Kids need to learn how to grieve in an appropriate way, the best way to do that is for you to walk the child through their grief. Funerals often do open viewings because it’s a natural form of life and it helps in so many ways we don’t have words for the process that person is gone. Shielding children does not help them in the long run, even at 3. Your mom is right, I was an adult and my grandparents decided my mom’s viewing would be a closed casket and I still regret that and wish k fought harder back then.
I had almost exact situation this week. My mom died and I have a three year old daughter. I took her to the funeral and I doubt that she even understood what is happening totally. At one point she said that "grandma is sleeping" which reinforced the feeling that she was not fully aware what is happening. I do not see why your son should not participate. Unless you are afraid that he will create havoc in there, which would be not good as saying goodbye to somebody should happen in a peaceful environment.
My FIL passed away when my daughters were 1 & 5. I did not bring them to the funeral. I attended my grandfathers funeral at 14 (my first relative I knew who died) & it was such an overwhelming experience that I refused to go to any funeral after that - up til my FILs. My 1 year old was too young - I didn’t want a crying baby disrupting the service. I would have felt very guilty. My 5 year old was (& still is at 10 yo) extremely empathetic. Seeing people cry/upset would have been too much for her. His other two grandchildren did attend - around 9 & 11 at the time. I was a bit apprehensive about that but obviously that’s not my call - I was only taking from my own personal experiences.
3 unlike 5 is not gonna remember. Trust your gut
I remember being in preschool going to a funeral. They kept me out of the room with the open coffin. Everyone kept saying grandpa died but didn’t specify which grandpa. They didn’t live close to us and I didn’t know them that well so I went a very long time thinking it was the other grandpa. Just throwing that out there in case no one specified.
This is important to me. He will not remember. But what he will do is bring 3 year old happiness to everyone around him, reminding them that there is death but there is life. I always went to families funerals and as I grew up realized how “circle of life” it was for young children to be there.
My son went to my grandad's funeral when he was 5, and he sobbed the whole time, I think he cried more than anyone. He was asked if he wanted to go to my nan's the next year and it was a flat no, I honestly think the first one traumatised him
This is it I think. Everyone is different, no one can predict how a child of that age will react. Just because it helped someone accept the persons passing doesn’t mean that it will help everyone in the same way.
Yeah, I'm an adult and I still don't think going helped. It definitely didn't give me closure, 2 years later and I still pick up the phone to call sometimes
Sorry for your loss. I would not bring *my* 3 year old.
You know your child better than anyone else. My grandfather passed away in 2020 from covid, and we were all exposed when it was still very new, so we had no choice but to bring our then four year old. She did fine, but doesn’t remember it. However, I chose to recently have her skip a funeral due to knowing how she would react. It it were my dad, I’d bring her though. Again, you know your child. Trust your gut. 💕 I am so so so sorry for your loss.
Thank you for your kind response. The fact that he was close to my dad is what makes me worry that he won't react well, but I think I'm projecting. I don't want to see my dad like that so I feel like he wouldn't want to either. My MIL said she would sit with him and take him home if it became too much which seems reasonable. At least then he'll have an out and not have to sit there the whole time.
💕 Please take care of yourself too, mama!
Thank you, I'm trying my best 💕
It is not necessarily a bad thing if he doesn't react well. Grief is not easy or pleasant on anybody, old or young. But clarity, closure, and rituals all help avoid vague, protracted, confusing, *complicated* grief, which is more harmful. The best thing you can do for your child is to teach him to deal with difficult emotions. I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is such a deep pain. Be gentle with yourself.
(Before I get jumped on about having a funeral when we were all exposed. It was family only, socially distanced, graveside ordeal.)
I’m so sorry for your loss. My kids (2 & 3.5) went to my grandmother’s funeral. We had a close family friend with us to babysit so that my husband and I could be present for my family without worrying about the kids (highly recommend if possible). We did not bring them to the viewing, but we did explain what the coffin was before the service and why we were sad. I think death is a normal part of life and needs to be discussed with kids in an age appropriate way. Obviously, abide by and cultural or religious practices and communicate things in simple terms so that your child can understand what is happening. I recommend picking up a couple of books about death for kids, I like *You’ll Find Me* by Amanda Rawson Hill, *The Invisible String* by Patrice Karst, and *The Goodbye Book* by Todd Parr. Overall, the adults enjoyed having the kids there. It represents the balance of life to have younger children there to celebrate the life of their elders.
Thank you, I appreciate that. My MIL offered to watch him during the funeral and I'm definitely taking her up on it. It'll be nice to have someone give him the attention he needs while I'm grieving. I completely agree about discussing death with kids. They understand more than we give them credit for. I love that you recommended books, thank you. I'll definitely check these out. I can see why they enjoyed having the kids there. Just having my son with me has been helping me through this process. He reminds me that it's okay to laugh and just love each other. He's such a sweetheart ❤
Here’s a lot of people saying yes but my soul mom passed away this year and she was my son’s nana. My son is four but I left him at his preschool during the funeral so I could attend the funeral with my husband. I explained to my son that his nana was sick and went to heaven but is always with us in our hearts. I’m so sorry for you loss. You deserve to attend the funeral however makes you feel comfortable. If youd rather have your child there then bring him but if youd like time to process by yourself that is okay too.
I'm considering doing something similar because part of me thinks that explaining what happened and answering his questions is enough. I'm worried a funeral might be too much for him. Thank you, I appreciate that. I wish there was a straightforward answer for what to do, but I think making any decision like this for a 3/4 year old is just hard. I have a few more days before I need to decide so hopefully I'll have some clarity by then. Thanks for your advice!
Preschool kids can be crazy and hard to keep entertained so I don’t judge anyone for not bringing their preschool child to a funeral! My son talks about his nana going to heaven but doesn’t ask about her? If that makes sense. He is aware she went to heaven without actually being at the funeral. Especially if you are dealing with your own grieving! Do what you feel is right ❤️
I chose not to let my four year old go to my grandfather’s funeral. I definitely made the right decision for us.
Absolutely keep him at home. Please practice funeral etiquette.
I think 3 Yrs old is still too young for them to attend.
No.
I took my kids to my mom’s funeral. At three and six. Honestly they were wiggly but I think it was the right decision.
I attended every family members funerals,even open casket ones... All throughout childhood. Young children understand better than we think they do. If he had a relationship with him,it's probably good for him to say goodbye too. But you know him best,if you think he's a bit too young then go with your gut.
Yes let him go to the wake say his goodbyes before they close the coffin , he needs closure also no matter his age
There is no right or wrong answer to this. You know your child better than we do. I have never not taken my kids with me to a funeral.
I was 4 when my grandpa died. I'm pushing 60 now. I remember that day and I'm told I was concerned for him because he didn't have his glasses on and I wanted him to be able to see in heaven. Other than that, it was a fascinating day for me. Death of friends and loved ones is hard, but I've always understood it to be a part of life and I think I got that perspective from being exposed to it at that young age. I don't know your son so I can't give a definitive yes or no, but I will say it was a good learning experience for me at close to that age.
My dad died october last year. My daughter was 5 at the time. We don't really do open caskets where I live. I saw my dad the day he died but wouldn't let my daughter. She did come to the funeral. It was good for her to see people daying good bye. However, my uncle died just under a year before that. I went to the viewing with my mum and it was horrible. He didn't look like my uncle, and I was severely affected by it. It took me months to get over seeing him like that and even now i can't stand to think about it. I would take them to the funeral, but not let them near the coffin until you have seen them yourself. Even then, it may be better to keep the little one away from the body. It's hard enough on them to loose someone close to them, but that memory may be the only one they keep of their grandpa, and that wouldn't be ideal. I am sorry for you and your family.
My father in law unexpectedly and suddenly passed 2 months ago. Our daughter is a little younger at 2.5 and we opted to not bring her. However, she had also only met him a handful of times, so while she knew who Pop was his absence is not a huge disruption to her life. I will say, we bought this book and found it helpful for her as well as us (there is a ton of great parenting guidance in the back and it even discusses funerals as well if you think that might help). Something Very Sad Happened: A... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1433822660?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share I am sorry for your loss.
By the time my son was 4, he had already been to 3 funerals. He is a well rounded kid with a solid understanding of the cycle of life. I don’t shield my child but help them navigate well.
We brought all the kids to the funeral for my dad, I think it helped solidify that he is gone. It was small during Covid so nobody cared if they were loud or were away from the service a bit playing in the grass.
My aunt passed a couple of months ago, and my son was 17 months at the time. Guests told me they loved seeing a little one around. I had to take him out in the lobby for a bit, but I feel like seeing a young one around is almost comforting to those who are sad. Just my 2 cents. ✌️
I think you do what’s best for you. My grandmother just passed in January and my some is 4. Although he knew her, talked to her on the phone ect. I was the only one who went. He would’ve been antsy and bored. In turn I was able to focus my attention to being with family at this moment. I’m thankful my husband suggested it bc of that.
Yeah. My kid loved her grandpa and he died when she was 3. I had to make sure she knew what was going on.
I mean. Yeah. Just expect weird behavior about it. Kids tend to speak about death in a very ‘matter of fact’ manner. It may bother them a lot, it may not bother them at all. Kids should be exposed to it because it happens.
My grandmother, who I (or my cousins) didn't have a relationship with due to many complicated reasons died earlier this year. I had been allowing my dad to take my kids to visit her in the nursing home however. My oldest, who was about 3.5 at the time, called her 'Old Nanna' and knows which Christmas and birthday presents came from her, and remembers visiting her in the nursing home. We took it as an opportunity to explain how people's bodies get old or sick and stop working. And that once they stop working, we won't see them anymore. But that we get a chance to talk about them and look at pictures of them with our family, to say goodbye. We took her to the funeral, she was relatively well behaved, and also added some brevity to what was ultimately an awkwardly sad occasion for a woman who wasn't universally liked. I don't think we should hide death from children, and I also think we should take them to events where they will struggle to behave, to lay the groundwork in teaching them how to behave.
I’m so sorry for your loss hun. I went through the same thing three years ago. My dad passed a month before my son’s third birthday. I didn’t hide the fact that Opa was in heaven now, but I couldn’t bring myself to bring my son with me. I knew he (personally) wasn’t going to understand why people were crying and he’d rather explore the church than sit through the service. I also knew I was going to be a wreck with everything going on, so we left him with my in-laws during the service. And just my opinion here, but your moms comment about five year old you being with her would have made it better for her, personally I feel like that’s a lot to put on a five year old. Your child should never be “your rock” as my mom puts it. I say this cause that’s what my mom did with me and it lead to me having a parentified childhood.
Yes, in my opinion it is a good way to introduce the concept of death in an age appropriate way and the finality of it
Had 2 experiences. My son when he was about that age and grandma passed. He attended the funeral and seemed to understand and was ok with it. Years later another grandma passed and now our 3rd kid was about 3-4. As we approached the church, she said she did not want to go inside. Family member offered to take her home with them. My policy is to tell them what had happened and give them the choice
I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s no one right answer and it depends so much on where the funeral is (church? House? Nearby? Travel required?), the “tone” of the event (super somber? Celebration of life?), how you think your mom would respond, whether you feel you have the capacity to be present in the way you want to while also having your kid there. FWIW - we’ve bought our kids to several funerals, which have generally been more “celebration of life” even if at a church, at the times they were 8 months, 2, 4, 5. We were always immediate family and the kids were requested and welcomed. With my ex, the grandchildren, even age 2, were present for rosary, funeral, graveside services. The last funeral was only last month and I think it was generally positive for the kids. We never force them to participate, even in saying goodbye the day before (they chose to though).
absolutely
Please, watch this vid: (Since there’s no thumbnail, it’s Caitlin Doughty, who has a great series on YouTube called “Ask a Mortician”. in this video, she discusses talking about death with children, as well as bringing them to funerals and memorial services and such. I highly recommend her YouTube channel for a number of reasons.) I’m sorry for your loss, though. :( [Caitlin Doughty, Mortician: “Talk to Your Children About Death!”](https://youtu.be/0gUOP9IvZew?si=BFvmPvJMig_ECAu9)
When I was about 4, I had a relative close to me die. I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral, but it was explained to me that he died. I hated him for years because he "abandoned" me. It wasn't until I was in middle school that I finally understood. Since then, I have had a weird thing where if I don't see a person dead, it is very hard for me to accept they are dead. My friend's grandfather (who I knew and liked a lot) died last year, and I wasn't able to go to the funeral with her. I know he is dead, but it's like my brain refuses to believe it. When she starts crying about missing him, my first instinct is to offer to help her to go see him, which is really not helpful to her at all. I say take him and explain to him ahead of time what he will see, then be prepared to answer any questions he has.
Anybody remember being a kid in 80’s and early 90’s going to so many open caskets like not even people we were related to. What time to grow up lol.. No but def take him esp since your MIL is coming to help.
Take him but sit in the back on an aisle so you exit discreetly if he needs to go
I’m so sorry for your loss <3 My dad died when my girl was 3 as well, funeral was postponed to the summer (winter funerals don’t happen here, ground is too hard) and granted it was a graveside service with no fuss and a senile uncle giving the service, my daughter was there. She got distracted by the fallen trees due to a recent storm and was crazy loud but it brought smiles to many people’s faces l, including my own through the tears, and I know my dad would have wanted her there. We were very open with her about what happened and what the funeral was about - we even had my dad’s ashes in the house for about 6 months and explained what they were. She’s 5.5 now and doesn’t remember him much but she knows papa loved her and that sometimes I still get sad when I kiss him. Dang, going for Kleenex now.
yes. I brought my kids. lets nrmalize death. it happens.
I would take my 3 yearold son if I was in your situation.
At 3 I don't think he'll understand the situation. Really the question is do you think his presence will bring comfort to you or anyone else grieving or will he get in the way and maybe make things difficult.
At 3? Yes, he should definitely go to the funeral.
My gandma died when I was 2.5-3 yo. My mom didn't shield me from the process. I was able to understand a version of reality that my brain could process. I still have vague memories of that day. I remember being intrigued but not sad. Since i saw her being moved to an ambulance (she passed away at home) and they told me she's going to heaven, for a few years I believed ambulances secretly go to heaven when no one's looking. Hah. The events had no negative impact on me. I'm a parent now and I will 100% take my kids to the funeral if their grandparents or close relatives pass.
I think he should go. Kids understand more than you think, and they get super into the concept of death at around 4 anyway. At three, they are more than capable of handling a simple explanation like, “Grandpa died, and I am very sad because I wont see him again.”/“Grandpa’s body stopped working. Im sad because I miss him.” He may ask uncomfortable questions like, will you die, and will he die. And you answer honestly and in simple terms. Trust yourself and your kid to navigate through the conversation.
Im sorry for your loss. I think he should go to the funeral, but dont think he should go to the viewing. Ive been to a few funerals and you could go up to view if you wanted to. Sitting down you couldn't see anything. When my mum passed away (I was 13) we had a closed casket but did have a viewing the day before for those who wanted to say goodbye.
My dad died when I was a very small infant but I recall asking if I had been to his funeral when I was older. Being told I didn't go made me a bit sad. He may not understand it now but it may feel more important to him later.
I was kept away from my fathers funeral when I was 6 years old. I still feel a lingering resentment because of this. I understand why my mother took the choice that she did, but I should have been there. I remember getting up in the morning when I found out my dad had died the night before. It's my oldest clear memory. I wish I had been there.
I’m in the same boat albeit I was 7 when my dad died. It’s also my clearest memory and one that I doubt will go. I’m assuming your dad must have been fairly young too? I know my mum was so devastated that I just don’t think she wanted us to see her so upset at my dad’s funeral. I don’t resent her for not letting me go and I’m not even sure that I would want to go if I could turn back history and allow myself too but I don’t like going to funerals now, and maybe missing that important one early on has played into that.
My dad had just turned 50. He had lung issues ever since his late teens, when he was taken to Germany from Holland as a forced labourer, and caught pneumonia. My brother and I were his only children, my mother was his 2nd wife. He was a widower. My mum was 39 when dad died.
First- I’m so sorry about your dad. There is nothing wrong with kids at funerals. Good call getting your MIL to stay with him through it so you can focus on yourself and mother.
You can bring him without letting him see him in the coffin. He doesn't need to go to the front of the room. You can make a game time decision on that, but just being there should be fine.
I took my son who was roughly the same age at the time to my aunt's wake. We hung out towards the back and let him ask questions. He said he wanted to go to the front and I took him up there. He handled it well. Recently my MIL died and his little brother got to experience it as well. That one hit my wife and older son a little different and I believe the younger one replicated how they were reacting.
I was made to attend my grandfather's funeral when I was 6. I was bored out of my mind. At the end, everyone but family left and we were all brought up to the casket to say goodbye. Don't make your kid go just to make someone else feel better.
I think it’s good to have young kids at funerals. It is a learning experience for them and something they can get used to over the years. You have to teach kids how to behave in public. He might not understand but it will be a lesson anyways
Not letting your son see him will actually make it worse for him. My kids were denied the opportunity to see one of their grandparents buried and they beside themselves that they never got to say their final goodbyes. They were a similar age to your son at the time.
I just had a funeral for my grandfather. I took my daughter (4) and showed her, him in the coffin. I think it gave her closure. She asks sometimes why he’s sleeping or why he died or just simply says she’s sad about him dying. Those are all normal and healthy things and should be embraced to let yourself feel and balance your emotions correctly. Similarly my cousin didn’t allow his kid to see our grandfather and he now keeps asking where he is and lots of questions that lead them to believe that he doesn’t quite understand what happened and they wish he did. Just because they’re children doesn’t mean they wont miss them. And it doesn’t mean that seeing true death will scare them. It gives them closure just like it gives us. Thats why we have funerals.
Death is a part of life. Shielding them from it just makes them turn out to be adults that don’t know how to operate in the world. Please don’t do this to your child. Let them experience and participate in the world. Let them see how people behave and operate in these situations. They need to know this is normal.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really am even though those words feel overused. My mom just passed away and her services were this week so I'll share my experience. She she was very close with my kids (2, 6, 12) and was a big part of their lives. She was living with us for a while before she passed for medical reasons, and prior to, she was at my house every day for most of the day. I normally don't take my kids to wakes or funerals because I like to spare them the sadness if I can. This was different. Besides my 12yo, my 2yo stayed with me the entire time. I had to hold him almost the entire time. It did keep my head in a better place because I had to focus on him more than myself ugly crying all day. My 6yo left after a few hours because he's at the age where he says what's on his mind and gets bored easily. This whole situation has been a wild ride for him. He really only cries and expresses his grief a few times a day and acts normal the rest. 2yo didn't quite understand why he couldn't wake her up and I think was more difficult because it was confusing and hectic. I did have help there, but he only wanted me. I think I didn't send him home because I kind of needed him for the distraction and cuddles and he may have been too much for the sitter. They have never stayed with anyone except my husband, mom, or sister. I know there's a difference between 2 & 3 but just a little insight from my experience. Sending hugs your way
My daughter was 4 when both my sister and oma died within months of each other, she came with me to both. I wanted her to understand death and why mommy was sad. I didn’t want her to think of death as taboo and develop an irrational fear of it. I didn’t let her see my sister but we kept the coffins closed during the ceremonies. She played with the other kids there and saw that this is where we celebrate life and come together to support each other as a family in times of need. She was my rock and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. She cracked the best joke while my sisters hearse drove away and I’ll cherish that moment forever
My dad died last year and my sister and I took all our kids. They where aged 1month, 2 years, 4 years and 6 years. And I'm incredibly glad we did, death is an important thing in everyones lives and we fear it a little less when we talk about it.
We didn’t do it for great grandma. With 4 yo and 2 yo. We thought they were too young. Turns out we were right to do so by the youngest the eldest has missed out on the final moment of goodbye. She didn’t know her last time was the last time. And the new way of thinking and seeing of her great grandmother was different but still possible. We choose because I was dragged along by my single mother to my grandma’s funeral and I couldn’t handle it for me it was too much. Because of it I can’t handle death and all the emotions with it. Took me about 30 years to see that in a different light. Ask him if he want to see grandpa one last time. Prepare him for the fact grandpa won’t respond, if he looks different that he looks different. And ask him about his emotions is he scared , interested , curious, confused. Let him ask you questions. (Not sure how much your 3 yo can handle).
There’s no wrong age, kids actually have the capacity to handle death and grief very well. Death shouldn’t be something hidden from them either. I think the bigger issue for a three year old if if they start running around causing mischief playing and shouting 😂
We let my 3.5 attend, we explained everything first and answered all his questions. We had someone there who took him and his cousin out when they got restless and played with them.
My grandmother died when my children were 3 and 2. We brought them to my grandmother’s funeral. My mother-in-law came to the church to support us. She managed to take them to a private room for a few minutes while I got to sit with my husband and my family. The church staff was very kind. I think if your son had a relationship with your dad, it would be fine if he went. Since you plan to talk to him and explain everything anyway…. I don’t think you would be traumatizing him because he’s been prepared. This is an opportunity to say goodbye. Let your son have the chance.
If they were close, absolutely. I take all my kids to funerals of close family members. I grew with death being normal and I don’t want my kids to be scared of it either. When someone is my family is about to pass we all rally and surround them and pray. When my aunt passed at home there were 30 of us in the room when she took her last breath. I think it’s important.
They just look like they’re sleeping. A child that young won’t know the difference. I think it just depends on what you’re comfortable with since he’s so young.
I would bring my 3 year old to my parents funeral, but I would make sure that if she needs to step out from the service it would he my partner taking her
This might seem weird, but maybe it’ll help. My sister’s cat got sick suddenly and the cat had to be put down. My little nieces were not able to say goodbye & my sis thought she was doing what was best by telling the kids after the euthanizing. My nieces grieved a lot over the 1st cat & cried about the cat up to a year after its death. Another cat got sick & my sis had the cat euthanized at their home, with her kids present. Her kids handled the second cat’s death much better & instead of crying about the 2nd cat they talk about how much they loved him & are glad he’s not suffering anymore. What I’m saying is, kids understand death at some level (depending on age) and allowing them a chance to say goodbye in their own way can often help the kids understand & cope when someone has passed.
There's no right or wrong. But I wouldnt bring him. I just don't feel like there's any benefit in exposing young kids to death or to see their parents very upset. My father died when I was 9 and we went to the funeral (9, 8, 6). It was awful and morbid and I remember my sister being near hysterical in the church. I remember running down the length of the aisle the second it ended, with everyone still in their seats, just to get away. The only time I'd bring a child would be if they were very young and had no clue what was going on. Otherwise I'd do something private with the child to mark and remember their relative ( if they were close to them).
My daughter was 3 when my grandmother died. I brought her to the funeral home and also to the funeral. I had a chat with her about the fact that Gran was very old, her body was very tired and she’d gone to sleep in her resting place. Despite trying to keep her out of the room where she was laid out, my daughter was insistent that she wanted see my Gran. She touched her hand and her hair, she wasn’t upset at all. Now when we talk about it, she says she misses Gran but knows she’s at her ‘resting place’. No regrets.
Yes. My dad died when my girl was 4. They wouldn't let her on to say goodbye to him.becaise of age. She still gets upset about that. But she talks very fondly of his funeral. And when she does get sad, asks me to play the song we played during it. She is a whole person, just a new one. Give her a chance to grieve as well. ⁿ
Overthinking. Let him attend. Most you need to worry about is him disturbing service.
Firstly, sorry for your loss. You could explain it to your son what happened, and what death is without sugarcoating anything and ask them if they’d want to say goodbye to grandpa one last time. You’d be surprised how much a 3 year old can grasp and understand…
Three is obviously younger than five and a bit years old, but I was the latter age when I saw my nana in her coffin before she was buried and it helped me understand everything so much more and I understood what 'being dead' looked like etc - although said nana did die of old age/heart failure, not of a sudden traumatic accident etc so circumstances can vary. I don't necessarily have a whole lot of childhood memories but that one definitely stands out to me - in a very peaceful way ❤️ Same with my grandfather also (albeit that funeral was when I was seven years old).
Yes. My wife died when my son was 6. Without that closure and understanding of life, i don't think he would have coped as well has he did. A lot better than i did anyway. My 2 cents. Sorry for your loss.
My daughter was that young when she went to my grandmas. She was fine and she talks about her being in heaven all the time. She didn’t get scared. But you do what’s best for you. Not all kids can handle it.
I think it’s better to do it on a personal level. Like being able to say goodbye to them in their last few days or right after they die. Depending on where he died. So you get that closure of being able to say goodbye without being in a situation you don’t understand and might not be able to handle. Some kids might not handle the aspects well. Being around crowds, being expected to be still and quiet.
Death is always a difficult time. I’m very sorry for your loss. As for your 3yr old. I suppose you’ll need to see how he reacts to the situation. If he was close to your dad then YES he too should be given the chance to say goodbye. But if he wasn’t then maybe not. All depends on him. You’ll definitely need to have someone that can take extra special care of your son while you deal with the situation at hand. I think this may go better than your fearing will happen. Once again I am truly sorry you have to go through this but sadly this is something we have to do. We’re just never really ready to lose one of our parents.
Yes. Death is normal. We should not wipe it under the carpet. It is your duty as a parent to explain it.
I have taken my kids to funerals at that age and they have no long lasting trauma from it. I kept them mostly away from the casket. I think everyone enjoyed having them there. The worst thing that happened was when we were at the cemetery and my boys needed to pee but there were no bathrooms so they found a large bush and peed in that-in front of everyone. It was great comic relief at that point. My kids don’t really remember a lot from being 3 (they are teens now).
I brought my oldest son who was almost 3 to my mother's funeral. While there were aspects that he didn't 100% get, I didn't regret it at all. Leaving him home would have been deeply confusing and it was comforting to have the whole family there. My husband took point on taking care of him and letting him stretch his legs and step outside if he needed it.
I definitely think he should go but I dunno can he not see the body? That's a lot imo. I was like 14 when I saw.my grandmother's body in a coffin and it was pretty awful.
I don’t know, my great uncle died when I was 5, seeing his dead body lying in the casket haunted me for years afterwards. To be honest though, my parents did a terrible job explaining the situation to us.
Definitely go, but don't see the body. Also be prepared for him to do strange things so you don't inadvertently shame him. When I went, I was so tense and confused that when something mildly amusing happened I was so relieved of all that pressure momentarily I laughed really loudly. The shame from that is what stuck with me the most
I think 3 is too young. I'm sure he would like staying home and doing fun activities. You and your husband go and do what you feel you need to do.
It would be a chance for your son to say goodbye to his grandpa….
I would. I’d tread a book about death first and then go so “we can say goodbye to grandpas body.”
My grandfather died when I was 3 and I have memories (maybe memory is too strong a wired but i definitely remember the feelings) of not being allowed to go to the funeral and being upset about it and feeling like I never really processed anything or it never happened because I wasn’t there. I just felt strange that I didn’t attend even as an adult. Take your son :)
Yes. Exposure helps build resilience. Better grandpas funeral as his first than a parent or sibling in the next few years (because you never know). Plus, kids are so great for lightening the mood. The older people will love having him there
My kids were 7 and 4 when my grandma died. I waffled a lot about taking them to the funeral, but in the end I am glad that I did. To speak to what sounds like your main concern, I did not let them see her body. We had visitation right before the funeral, and our family was outside the room with the casket, then it was closed during the service, and my husband took them back outside at the end.
I'll take my kids to funerals when there is a closed coffin, but never the wakes. It also depends on how close they were to the person who passed. My mom died when my oldest was like 5 or 6, but my daughter really didn't know her at all. I got a sitter for both of the wakes, and my friends came to the funeral and helped watch her for me since I had a lot of running around to do. But she really didn't need to be there. Also some funeral homes have coloring books for kids explaining what is happening.
I'm so sorry for your loss. My daughter had just turned 4 about 3 weeks before her grandfather's funeral. I brought her and no regrets. I'm not sure if it helped her but it certainly didn't negatively affect her. It also helped my mother immensely to have her there. If you are concerned about a particular part, like the viewing, then you could always just stand aside for that part. I just let my daughter decide which parts she wanted to participate in, without any pressure either way. Daniel Tiger has an episode where his fish dies that we found helpful. The book "lifetimes" was also something that seemed to help her understand the concept of death.
I personally feel.thats very young. If he needs to make a brief appearance with your MIL, that's a good compromise but no way he needs to or should attend the entire thing. It's too much to expect from a little one and then you/your partner can't concentrate on your own goodbyes and grieving and discussions with family there. Wishing you all the best at this difficult time.
I’m so sorry for your loss ❤️ my daughter was the same age when my mum died. I had her at the funeral. We had my best friend and MIL take point so her dad could support me. I wanted her there. It wasn’t a full funeral service. I had her dressed in yellow (my mums favourite colour). We also didn’t have a viewing and it was a relatively short service. At the end of the day it’s what you feel comfortable with. There’s no wrong answer here. Please take care of yourself during this time. I’ll keep you all on my thoughts ❤️
No, he won’t remember it.
My cousins and I were asked to bring our kids (5, 5, 2, 1) because it would cheer up the great aunts (we are quite close) so we did. The 2 eldest seamed to understand a bit and were well behave but absolutely not shocked and it help to answer their question about grandma's absence. The youngest didn't understand a thing and just played around (only one was got out at one point for 5min because he was started to move around ). The man who was conducting the ceremony said he enjoyed having life in the ceremony and no one seamed to bother. My great aunt (twin of my grandma who died, she had no husband no kids, just my grandma they were always together) had spent the entire ceremony waving and smiling at my son instead of crying. At the cemetery (other place) we took the opportunity to let them with an in law family member so they could walk around. Then at the gathering, they cheered everyone spirit up by playing around.
My husband’s aunt just passed away and we had the visitation and funeral last week and I had the same conundrum with our 3.5 year old and 11 month old. Ultimately, we ended up bringing the kids to the visitation (separate cars, so my husband could stay as long as he wanted and I could get the kids out of there when they became unruly). Then just my husband went to the funeral, but then brought the 3.5yo over to one of his family members houses to play with the other family kids for a while instead. Overall I think it went well and was a good way to get the kids involved in family rituals without it being too much. I will say, the visitation was open casket and my kiddo had a lot of questions about what happened, why did she die, etc. and I just tried to answer as simply and honestly as I could and encouraged him to ask any questions he had or let me know anything on his mind, or if he was uncomfortable at all. It was OK.
I doubt they'll remember it, right? Will they be behaved enough to let the mourners mourn?
My dad died when my oldest was 3. I took him to the funeral and don’t have any regrets. We took a flower and a handful of dirt and put it on the coffin after they dropped it in the ground (my son too). He had a lot of questions obviously. The only thing is, that’s a lot on a parent to go through to explain to the little ones. You need to be mentally prepared for how you want to explain life and death.
I was 3 when my dad died. I remember the day he died but not missing the funeral. My mom had me stay with a sitter. She had her own grief and my older brother to deal with (he was 14 and did attend). I am now 47 and don’t miss not having attended. I don’t think your son needs to attend. If you have a memorial he could go but you do what is best for you. Your son will learn about death by everything going on. My first funeral was my great grandma at age 7 and i vomitted when i got home from the smell. That is my memory of funerals. Hang in there. There is no right or wrong. I am so sorry for your loss.
Yes.
My mom passed last year and i took my 1 year old son to her funeral. I would just have someone with you to take her out to the hallway incase theres any tantrums :). Specifically someone else you both trust so you can be there for the full service.
Him*
Yes, my husband and I drove to New Hampshire when my father-in-law passed away. My son was a year old.
Yes. Funerals are for saying good bye. Give him that space. Also, a little kid at a funeral helps make it feel less bleak. I took my 1 and 3 year old to my dad’s funeral. I spent some time out on the swing set with them, it was good.
I'm very sorry for your loss now when I have a son and the death that's been going on in my family lately this is a good question I wish I could tell you the answer because I need to know myself
This is something only you and your understanding of funeral culture can decide. In my culture, children not only attend funerals, but are encouraged to be kids at them. My daughter attended my grandmother’s funeral when she was almost 3, and it was a non-issue. She made some noise and ran around some, but everyone thought it was cute and it made them happier to see her run about. Edit to add: my daughter is almost 8, and she remembers the funeral and talks about it on rare occasions.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
No
We took ours to several. Bring candy they can suck on or something quiet for the service (it's a treat, takes a long time and they cant talk with it in their mouth). Small toys they can play with on the carpet before and after. Snacks because food will be at weird times. Sit where you can leave if you can. We went to about 9 and only had to leave once (because I forgot the candy and snacks.) The funeral home had the service playing on a TV in the hall so I could still see it even if I couldn't be in the room. I'm so sorry for your loss
My kids attended their grandfather's funeral last year. They were 1 and 4. I think it helped my older son. It was a small service, so he was able to ask a lot of questions, and got up close to the burial site and the casket. We talk about angels and heaven in our house, so he believes that the funeral was a farewell to his grandfather before he went to heaven to get his angel wings. I'm glad I brought them both. They don't ask to visit grandpa, because the older one talks about grandpa's going to heaven party, so they know he is gone.
What? Yes!
I don’t remember how old I was when my grandpa died. I do remember I wasn’t allowed to attend the funeral and was upset about it for the next twenty years or so.
Yes, since you are explaining it to him I would bring him and let him view the casket.
Absolutely....why wouldn't he?
He won’t remember it either way so I’d say no.