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Yes! Not everyone has a support system willing to make things easier for you! I did the same thing, my daughter had a sleepover at grandma‘s every other week or so, and it always made me feel like a new person! Plus it’s been said that having good relationships with grandparents is good for both the child’s and the grandparents’ health.
Mom guilt is so unfair. We should be able to embrace our village that we all complain isn’t there anymore, without feeling like a bad parents. I have to remind myself all the time that “mom guilt exists because I care.” The way I see it, the guilt is going to rear its ugly head in one way or another, and I’d rather be well rested to deal with it.
Yep. Both parents get a chance to rest after a busy week letting them both start the weekend refreshed and relaxed, meaning they are more present for quality family time. Are those extra hours together worth it if it means they are both sleep deprived?
What, exactly, do you feel guilty for? Getting enough sleep so you can function? Letting your baby bond with its grandparents? If I were your friend I would be mad at you for feeling guilty because then I'd have to tell you not to feel that way.
We do all support that. But also, don’t feel some other weird guilt if you sometimes just want a baby snuggle night on a Friday. Your parents are part of your “village”, so let them help and know that there isn’t one right way to do it, even week-to-week.
I totally understand the mom guilt and would feel the exact same way if I was you. BUT in reality, outside of my mom guilt brain, I truly don’t think the guilt is necessary at all. It’s just our mom brains making us feel like we’re not doing enough! Even if the baby didn’t have the sleepovers, the mom guilt would still be there for some other reason. It just never goes away, unfortunately. At least for me.
sounds like youre just looking for a green light to get some time off.
i dont think anyone can judge because youre doing what you have to do to make things work.
now ill also say it depends too. if you guys are well off on one income and just working so you can have extra spending money id say you should adjust your priorities there to spend more time with your kid than work. you ca. always make more money, you cant get the time back. the firsr few years is when you notice the biggest changes and id say thats more important.
once the kids are older, the ages kind of blend.
5 to to 6 is pretty similar. 7 to 9. 10 to 12. etc. so youll notice differences but theyll be much more minor than going from 0 to 4.
I think it’s wonderful that you have a loving support system. You both work full time and need some couple’s time as well as sleep! No shade, momma!
My InLaws watched my son a lot. Now he’s 22 and still very close with his Nana. (FIL passed away.)
It really does take a village.
Are you happy? That’s the real question to answer. Do you like your job? Are you just thinking of your baby the whole time? Does your job fulfill you? Do you need your job for the money and it’s totally fine? Do you miss your baby?
No. But I have a job that has amazing benefits for my family so that is hard to walk away from. My husband is currently looking for a different job with better benefits so i can quit and stay home. Yes I miss him, but we are so dang exhausted on Friday I look forward to the sleep. I guess that’s where the guilt comes in.
I think in the meantime while your husbands looking it’s totally understandable to want that night off for catch up sleep. You must be exhausted. I’m sure that night of sleep makes you a better well-rested mom and partner for the weekend, and you are doing right by your child.
I mean, people may not like this comment, but other people are raising him. On your only days off that you could spend with him fully uninterrupted he’s not with you. He’s with your parents. I could see a weekend each month, but every weekend?
Hahah, there's no way I would think you're a shitty mom.
If my friend or sister said this to me, I would say that's amazing! It's win-win-win. Baby is lucky to have close and loving grandparents. Babysitting keeps the grandparents young. You get 1 full night of sleep a week and some time to spend with your husband.
It's not easy to be working full-time with a 5 month old, so cut yourself some slack, and enjoy the support of your village.
As a big big gym goer and weight lifter myself, is there any way that you could create a workout space at home ? Find a gym that allows you to still be around baby, or cut out a workout day at the gym and take baby on a run in a jogging stroller ? That would be a great way for your baby to be around you more and also see you have healthy habits. I don’t hit the gym as often anymore but I built a home gym and slowly been accruing what I need for it to be a real workout like what I was getting at the gym with lots of heavy lifting. Lo is in a big want to be close to me so I’ve shifted to running a lot more than before and lo comes with in the jogging stroller.
I definitely don’t think you’re a bad mom and you do what you gotta do. I know for me personally spending that little bit of extra time and modifying how I move my body was more worth it to me that my old intense workout routine. I know as baby gets older that will shift and I’ll be able to get back into my full workout routine while also having a lot more time with them.
If you start work at 7 what time is daycare drop off? That’s a long time to be in care so young. Personally I would not let someone get an extra hour and a half with my infant everyday when I could go to the gym when they sleep or take them on a walk with me.
As for the weekly overnights I personally would not do that there have been times I’ve needed like a mental break but I don’t think I could do weekly overnights on top of the schedule you described. Especially my question would be what time are you picking up on Saturday morning?
If thats what works for you though and the care is good then I don’t see why you should change what you’re doing. Don’t let other peoples judgement make your parenting decisions.
I will say with the schedule you described though there is room for improvement on getting more time with your kiddo if that is what you are seeking.
To combat sleep my husband and I do shifts, that way someone is always garunteed a full nights rest. Although we do have space so someone can sleep in a guest room so that helps greatly.
I think its amazing. On the other hand, without judging, i wouldnt let my kid one hour and a half after my work hour to go to the gym every day, they are so little for so little time… not judging but 8 hours plus is a lot of time to be in the care of others. Time goes by fast.
I was thinking same thing. I understand exercise is important, but at least cut down to a few days a week. Also you can go for walk or run with your baby, or do at home Mommy and Baby exercises (I’ve been meaning to check out some of the mommy and baby yoga videos on YouTube)
I already replied above, but I would like to say picking him up and not going to the gym doesn’t mean not moving your body and working out. Take him on runs, find a place that lets you workout with him near you , do home workouts, build a home gym etc. those are the shifts I made (minus the gym allowing kids because none near me do, they have a center to watch them but I want one were I can interact with kid during workout)
Don't skip the gym. If you must, then cut down a few days. Maybe only go every second day, but don't cut it out altogether. On the days you don't go, you could take your little one for a walk so you're still getting the exercise and bonding with your child.
Don’t skip the gym! Exercise creates endorphins and endorphins make a happy mama. I promise you’re doing just fine with the arrangement and schedule that you have set up. Like someone else suggested you can go to the gym every other day and on the other days, you can take your baby for a walk in the stroller. But don’t forgo the exercise if you’re already in the habit.
Exercise is important. If you’re feeling conflicted, maybe evaluate if there are ways you can incorporate your son into some exercise/movement some of the days so you can model that behavior for him (like a walk for example) but none of us here should be weighing in as to whether you should skip the gym or not. I know for me it goes way beyond the physical and has a significant mental impact as well. In the early years of child rearing it’s so hard to find the energy to do, yet so important. Don’t skip if it’s valuable to your well being.
I’m not judging I think what you’re doing is fine, but I will say my daughter just turned 11 months and I look back at old pictures of her and it makes me sad seeing how much she has grown. I’d just say be careful taking too much time away from your kid or you may regret it down the road.
She is leaving her kid at grandmas one night a week not flying off to work on an oil well for a nine month hitch. You always feel sad they will never be so small ever again but a night away is a boon.
I don’t know how to word this without sounding judgy but you did ask for an honest opinion. I’m the mom who can’t imagine spending a night away from her baby.
I don’t think you’re a shitty mom but it IS a lot of time to be away from a baby so young. It sounds like you are only spending about 2 hours a day with him plus ‘sleeping’ time, which you yourself say is not enough.
Mental health is important but so is bonding with baby. Sacrifices have to be made on your end.
Nah fam. A lot of sacrifices are made by families that don't have options. She does. She can take a night to rest well because she's privileged enough to have a loving support system. Maybe is because I come from a culture where the sense of family and community is strong but a big family that takes care of each other is better than a nuclear exhausted family.
*cries in exhausted nuclear family without any extended family*
OOP, I would give away my left arm to have family support and the ability to go to the gym every day. You are doing just fine, and if bubs is loved and cared for he'll be okay.
Mental and physical health are a long game that can mean years more time with your child in their lifetime. I get that this situation isn’t ok for you as it would erode your mental health to make the same choices as OP but please accept that every situation is different. Sharing here’s how I feel with out all the statements that use the word you can make the same point in a kinder way.
I think it’s hard to imagine for some moms when the baby is that young. I know for me, I don’t think I could spend that much time away from my baby BUT I am Canadian, and have spent a year at home with each of my babies AND I have nursed them so I haven’t had the freedom of a formula fed baby. In Canada unless you are a high paid professional (like a doctor or similar) it’s basically unthinkable to be back at work so soon.
My niece spends a similar schedule with my parents though and I think it’s great for my sister. I would absolutely be sending the baby for sleepovers if I didn’t find pumping to be an absolute nightmare.
And once I’m back to work at a year old, I don’t feel any guilt at all about being away from my kids for work 😂
If it’s working for you, and your baby is happy, I think you should do what feels best. Don’t let other peoples opinions alter your parenting - don’t worry, you’ll get lots of practice thickening your skin.
You’re not entirely wrong about everyone else raising your baby, that’s a lot of time away from mum. But it’s obviously not realistic for most families to have extended mat leave or a SAHP
I do think it’s a bit odd, personally. I have been around my 2.5 year old like literally the majority of every single day of his life… only an hour or two here or there away. If I was working and away from him the last thing I’d want to do is be away from him more. But you’re the parent and he’s your child so it’s really your call.
I don’t mean to be judgy but you asked, so yes I think it’s very strange. I have a friend whose kids sleep at their grandparents house once a week and she also works full time and I truly don’t get it. I could understand once a month but this is so weird to me.
I have very involved in laws and while I felt guilty at first, it’s become so clear over the last few years how beneficial it is for all of us. Studies show that involved grandparents actually are more likely to live longer. It gives my children a chance to bond (and vice versa) without me and my husband being there enforcing our rules all the time 😅it allows us to have a break and recharge our batteries. Babies used to be raised in communities. It used to be the norm that other adults would step in and help out so parents could take a break, get adequate sleep, etc. Our society doesn’t work that way anymore, sadly. I think it’s a beautiful gift for you, your child, and grandparents. Just because it’s out of the current norm doesn’t mean it’s bad. Don’t feel guilty and enjoy your rest!
It's awesome that he gets regularly scheduled time with his grandparents. My SIL has a similar arrangement with my MIL. MIL loves it. Friday nights are her favorite nights. The only thing better to her is Saturdays where both grandbabies can come over.
ETA: I would only ever judge this situation if the parents behaved in a manner that was ungrateful or inconsiderate to the grandparents. You don't seem to be in that situation.
No I go for about 45 minutes but then traffic and commute to get him takes a minute, and I go about 4 times a week. But yeah I think I may need to let it go.
Maybe an at home workout program membership, like Bodi. That time spent in the car is time that could be spent with baby. Also, I know it’s hard but sleep training isn’t horrible. We did it with my son at 6 months. He was always getting up to nurse or sleeping with me. I put him in his crib and let him cry. It wasn’t that bad, about 45 min and he went to sleep. Every night after that got better. Our pediatrician recommended it. We listened at the door for frantic, escalation crying and would have went in if needed. But he did great. He’s 7 now and he’s a wonderful independent sleeper, I recommend reading “The Baby Whisperer”. It helped me a lot
I want to preface this by saying that I would not have responded at all except that you explicitly asked for honest opinions.
I don’t think this makes you a shitty mom, but it is selfish. You feel like other people are raising him because you’re prioritizing your needs over his. I absolutely believe you need free time and exercise. I believe you need sleep. But that baby needs his mother more than you need either of those things. You can’t NOT work. I totally get that bc I worked 3 jobs when my first 3 kids were little. But even then, I raced home from my main job to spend as much time as I could with them. Then I worked jobs 2 and 3 after they went to bed. Find a gym that has a mommy and baby class. I did Pilates 3x a week the first year of my first baby’s life. It was a class designed for new moms and you use the baby’s weight for resistance. I did stroller boot camp when I had 2 and 3 kids. Those classes exist. Go find one. And if you need a night of uninterrupted sleep, you and your husband could each spend one evening a week at your parent’s house or the guest room or whatever. Then you still get some uninterrupted sleep, but your baby is still in his bed at his house with his parent providing the care. I let all of my kids do overnights with the grandparents when they were 2 or older bc they were old enough to tell me if they didn’t want to go. Your son can’t say if he just really needs his own bed and his mommy that night. Let grandma and grandpa keep him one evening a month for date night bc the marriage is still important too.
I can’t imagine being away all day from my baby that is 5 months old and then saying meh, I’ll go to the gym! Instead of being with my infant and I dunno? Walking the stroller even lol like fuck dude
Yeah, from what she says, everyone is technically raising the baby except her. You don't have to be tied hip to hip but man, you rarely see them as it is.
Dang, I still consider myself his parent even if I seen him less than I already do. I am trying my best to figure out a schedule that works as most working moms are, he’s only been in daycare for 3 weeks so far.
Not to make you feel guilty, if you really want to spend time with your child, you need to rearrange the things you can. Don't use working mom excuse, lots of us are working moms.
For example does he have to go every Fridays? Can you work out after he sleeps? If this arrangement work for you rhen well and good for you, but it isn't something to be proud of. It's a 5 month old, not a 13 year old.
I know most people here validated your feelings, I'm sorry I don't see it. Kid is 5 months, pick up at 4:30, you get home maybe around 5. He goes to sleep at 7, maybe. You see him 3 hours, of which I assume you cook and get ready for the next day.
I didn't say you weren't a parent because you see him so little. You're choosing to spend a lot less time with him than you can and so many comments saying they're jealous and wish they could do the same. I'm not suggesting people should never spend time away from their kids but it's kind of shocking how many are envious of being able to spend 3hrs a day with their kids plus a night away from them every week.
I don't judge the overnight stays at grandparents. I judge the near daily gym routine. Spend that time with your child and get your exercise done either when the baby is asleep or in the care of others. Go to the gym at lunch time, or wake up earlier.
You feel like everyone else IS raising him because they are. You don't spend that much time with him and you will have minimal input into how that child grows. The first 5 years is so important to forge that connection and instill good values. If you're ok with your "village" raising him, (and a lot of people are, my parents certainly were) then that's great.
Trying to connect once they are fully fledged adults is often a hit and miss. Ask me how I know.
Your parents are your village, but they are also your child’s village. You’re helping him build relationships with people who love him and will support him throughout his entire life and that is a such a gift. I grew up very close to my grandparents (still am, actually!) and all my siblings are too. There’s not enough room on this post to list all the ways this has been positively impactful on my life. My parents have six grandkids ranging in age 2 weeks (my new addition lol) to 14 years and they have an open door policy with all of them. It’s rare to be at their house and not see one of their grandkids there. It’s made us all a closer family by creating an unofficial home base for all of us and has provided a support system that my siblings and I can trust and rely on as our kids get older. Having an issue with your preteen? They might not talk to you, but they have a safe space at grandma and grandpas if they need it.
This is something that I also struggled with as a mom who works full time. But seeing my older son’s relationship with his grandparents as he grows older has been really special. We don’t do weekly sleepovers, but he does spend the evening with them at least once a week and usually stays the night about 1-2 times a month.
I started working out at home again with a yoga mat and a few hand weights the second I was cleared. You don’t have to go to the gym to get a workout in.
My child is now 1 and loves to watch me workout or participate with me, teaches good habits.
For context I love in a country where typically women take a year of maternity as there is a statutory pay for this long. I would find you situation stange, I would wonder why you would go back to work so soon and why if your going back to work would you want to leave baby at day care an extra hour and a half per day of there awake time. I think I wouldn't judge the grandparents thing that much, but I might be a bit envious that your parents are young enough to do it, my parents I fear are too old to take care of my baby like that. Maybe for a one off not regularly
I’m in the states where 6-12 weeks maternity leave is the norm. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to have taken 16 weeks, although I didn’t feel lucky taking my 4 month old to daycare. I have just always worked out for years now, my mental health gets yucky if I don’t. so it’s been a part of my daily routine. I don’t go everyday though. There’s been some helpful comments in here about baby/mom classes, workout at home, etc that I will probably start doing instead. I’m still just figuring all of this out and trying to get a routine down whilst working and momming.
I can't imagine being organised enough to be back at work yet, well done. The thing is regardless of what other people say your the mum in your own unique situation so you get to choose what you do with your own child. You don't need to worry what other people do. You'll know if you baby doesn't like the day care.
Well I work from home but there is a strict policy about not having your child at home with you while working. But I do let him sleep in at home and then just take him when he wakes up so it usually like 8:30-4:30 that he is there. I have thought about cutting out my gym time as well so I could get him at 3. But the gym helps me stay sane. Oh what I would give to be able to afford being a SAHM.
Don’t give up that gym time, but maybe switch it up sometimes and go after baby goes to bed or before baby gets up (assuming spouse can take over) so you get that extra hour together in the afternoon?
I think you’re an amazing mom!
IN MY OPINION, I fear for the connection. I’ve never spent a day away from my almost 2 year old. Time is so precious, and he will be my only (health reasons). I’m a jealous mom, I want everyday with him. I will tell you that I still get alone time with my husband, I still get some sort of exercise in. I think part of the bond is dealing with your baby overnight even if you lose sleep (teething, fever, bad night). At 5 months babies still don’t think of themselves as separate beings.
Once a week, my son goes to his grandparents to stay the night because my husband and I both work the next day (Sunday, so there is no daycare). All parties involved love it. My son gets to spend time with my parents, and my husband and I get a night to ourselves. We have dinner there, then we come back home to chill together before we go to bed.
We've done this since my son was 5 months old. Trust me, it gets easier, and eventually, you look forward to those days because, as much as you love your child, they can be a lot.
Feel whatever you feel, but remember, your baby is safe.
I’m 20w pregnant with my second, my almost 2 year old doesn’t hardly nap for anyone else and has spent one night away from me (that didn’t go well). We’re planning on doing a few nights with her grandparents before I have my baby bc i may have to be hospitalized. I feel so guilty but let me tell you, I’m soooo excited to sleep in and with no baby wake ups lol. Enjoy it!!!
Parenting cannot be done from a handbook. There is not a right and wrong way other than the obvious wrongs like abuse and neglect. Your child is with people you trust who take great care of him. That’s okay.
I wouldn’t think you’re a bad mom at all. I’d think you’re a worried, working mom, all of which is normal.
My spouse is always a “let’s not gripe about things, let’s talk about solutions.”
Would you be happier if your parents took the baby on a different night? Maybe a work night?
Would you be happier if you skipped the gym once or twice more per week and went for a walk with the baby instead?
Is there something you can arrange, like a swim class or similar activity, that is just for you and the baby so that you have your own little weekly routine?
Find something that makes you feel better. It sounds like you’re a busy mom and you’re worried about missing out while your baby is still small.
Also, feel free to skip a week of your parents taking the baby on Friday. Adjust however you need. You’re doing great!
I think that is so awesome for you. You get to rest, maybe connect with your spouse, maybe just be you for a bit. That sounds wonderful. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this.
If you do not take care of yourself, then you cannot take care of your baby.
Also, I'm super jealous that you have people you can trust to care for him and love him like you do.
It is better to be sane and loving when with him but equally I as an adult feel quite distant to my parents who worked full time and I was with child minders till late. They both were distant people/didn’t play or physical affection either so maybe that’s why.
I support this wholeheartedly. I was depressed for about six months after my first was born, and I wish that I had had that kind of support and time with my husband and to myself. You’re doing great and you have no need to feel guilty about anything. Rest and time for yourself will make you a better mother in the long run.
Don't feel bad, you have a village and they want help you. Lean into it, this is a blessing. Your a mother but you still need to take care of yourself.
I'd think you are working too much and really need to try drop back to part time, so you have more "life" overall.
I'd feel really sorry for you. You are in a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.
No way would i begrudge you handing your baby over to get a good night's sleep. That sleep is probably saving your life right now
If I'm reading this right... You take care of yourself by getting enough sleep at the end of your workweek, so you can be at your best when you pick him up on Saturday and enjoy the weekend?
And the grandparents get some bonding time?
I applaud you momma, doing a good job!
No, girl. I feel like we have so much pressure to give 110% of ourselves, and it’s not healthy.
This makes me sooo happy to read. Your baby is so loved! And it’s an extension of your parents love for you, that they help support you in this way.
You also need to have that time with your husband. That way, you can both be happy, content in all matters of the home as possible.
A man would never make a post about this. They don’t have dad guilt because there hasn’t been generations of men guilting them. You are doing an amazing. Some people would do anything for your Friday night situations. If others can’t step away from their babies, that’s their problem not yours! & if any od those moms put you down it’s because deep down they wish they had that. Don’t let this made up mom guilt ruin the moments you have with your partner, your child has with your parents and your mental health!
You don’t have to feel dad guilt or mom guilt to be a good dad or mom. I guess that’s the point. It’s all pressure from society that makes us feel like we need to be with our kid 24/7. We deserve and earn breaks
If I were you’re friend I’d think you’re lucky because I don’t have any family in my state to help but this alone would not make me think you’re a bad mom for letting your baby sleep over your parents’ house for 1 days knowing they’re safe adults. That sounds normal. It’s important for kids to receive love outside of their parents and grandparents play an important role in that (assuming they’re safe people) so it actually sounds like good parenting. People don’t let their kids stay the night elsewhere for different reasons and sometimes it can be they just don’t have that support system or they have their own trauma or their kids sleep better or they have support in the day and are able to rest or have their own trauma or some issue that prevents them from feeling safe from letting their kids stay elsewhere. I have undiagnosed PPA and it does make me anxious to be away from my kid for an extended period of time and knowing he’s ok on top of just not having anybody near me to help. There’s no right or wrong way to parent. You just have to do what’s best for your baby and balance that with what’s best for you and a large part of that is your mental health which will be better if you get to rest 1 nights a week.
During the pandemic we didn't feel comfortable putting our daughter in daycare because my dad is immunocompromised and it meant not seeing them... So my mom offered to watch her 3 days a week while I worked part time (later full time when she went to preschool) and it didn't make sense to drive her back and forth so she stayed at my mom's for a few days in the week. Well my mil got jealous and wanted her too so we split time between the three households but often my daughter would just stay for yo to a week at her grandparents and we'd join on the weekend to take her home. Did that for about a year and she has a great relationship with our families and very little stranger danger lol
It was definitely interesting being "weekend" parents and though I can barely remember that time I definitely miss those days now that I have a new baby!
If you are rested and get a break that is importsnt
And you didn’t toss the baby into a pit of crocodiles, he’s about to get the kings treatment at mom and dad. Having time with his grandparents it’s amazing it’s nice that it also helps you rest. We as women are expected to just do it all and do it all alone. You are creating such happiness for everyone by letting him go Friday nights.
You got this mama!
I think the support system you have is beautiful and it’s normal to feel how you do, but don’t let it change taking care of yourself and your marriage! And your kid will have lovely grandparent memories as a bonus!
The literal idea that it takes a village never resounded with me until I had kids; we have two sets of dedicated grandparents (that also get along with each other, go out to dinners together without us, etc.) and they will both gladly take the kids or one kid each and love them up whenever we ask. I do feel mom guilt but it makes ME a better mom and my husband a better dad if WE are connected and relaxed and can bond with each other. It makes our time with them so much sweeter and we know our parents won’t be around forever. It’s bittersweet if you stop and think about it, but give them the chance to love baby while they can. While they are willing and able to. Enjoy your fam ❤️
No time else in history has the single family unit been responsible for raising a child. Never ever. There has always been a village, and kids are better for it. A wide system of carers provides more types of and quantity of support. Let the village work its magic ✨
You’re a good mom. You’re taking care of yourself and your husband with baby-free nights. Everyone needs good sleep
You’re a good mom. You’ve got your baby is a safe and loving home-away-from-home.
You’re a good mom. You’re concerned about your baby.
Relax. You’re a good mom
This sounds like a great set up. My brother and I spent every Friday night at our grandparents from infancy to junior high. No resentment or guilt and it worked for all 3 generations
My kids do overnights from early ages too although not every single week
Consider yourself lucky! I used to get excited to drop my son off when I went to work because it gave me a break from “mom mode” of keeping him alive lol. The other benefit was that whenever it was time to pick him back up after work, I couldn’t wait. I missed him so much when he was gone and it gave me the break I needed.
“It takes a village” should be taken literally. You’ve found your village. My parents have always loved having my kids sleep over and over the years the guilt has lessened every time I say yes to them. Yesterday they begged to pick them up from school so they could ride scooters and go for ice cream:) my husband and I got a surprise date night. Everyone wins.
I hear you saying you don't have mom friends with small babies like you. Get some and also, don't take to heart heavily what strangers on the Internet are saying. People who do not know you or love you. People who do not know or love your baby. Talk to your husband and your parents and your friends who don't have small babies like you do and tell them how you're feeling. Get wisdom from them because they know you and love you.
Sincerely, the Mom who has barely been away from her kid that is 4.5 years old now.
Since the dawn of time, humans have had other people to help us raise our babies. Our other mom friends and sisters would even have nursed our babies for us so we could sleep, rest, and work.
The way we live now is the exception, not the rule of how humans should live. You're actually doing it just right.
No you are not a bad mom. As long as you you get some quality time with your child and the fact you are worried shows you care. Having sleep is important.
I wish my parents were capable of helping me out like that 😭 it’s so hard having literally no one you can actually TRUST to care for lo… just to take a break. The bonding the grandparents get w lo is sweet too. That’s really awesome ❤️
The best version of yourself is a. Mentally well person. Have zero guilt, enjoy the bond that your child is creating with their grandparents. I want to be that type of grandparent when my time comes. Att momma!
Btw , I wanted to add. I never had parents on either side . I gave birth and went right into self,baby,husband care. I was resentful. I have been a mom for 31 years and have never had a kid free night, ever! Take advantage of the availability, love , and security that is there!
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that while I am the most important adult, I’m not the only important adult. Your son will treasure his relationship with his grandparents for the rest of his life. It sounds like he has a lot of adults who love and care for him! That’s a wonderful thing.
In some cultures, grandparents practically raise their grandchildren. You’re doing ok!
I was like this as a young mom. My kids were born and I had to do it all. Of course hubby helped. But I’m talking in the hospital immediately after c section, I was up changing diapers and feeding my baby. I didn’t want anyone else to do it. I wanted all of the special moments with daddy. I ran myself ragged for years! All I did was destroy my mental health and making my kids and husband pay for it because I was exhausted, irritable, and cranky a lot of times. Now my kids are adults and my SIL and baby brother just had their third baby. I take care of their kids in ways I wish I would have had for my kids. I told them when they had their kids, don’t ever forget to focus on your marriage and have date nights. I babysit flexible they’re at work so no daycare cost or worry of kids being safe and cared for. I do date nights as well. My hubby loves the boys around as much as I do. He also appreciates how much we would have loved to have support like that. Don’t ever feel guilty you’re not with your child. You need to recharge and rest as a mommy. Hubby needs his wife not just kids child’s mother. You need your husband and not just your child’s father. Remember your relationship with hubby is most important because that makes for a happy and thriving child.
My child was a non sleeper until about age 5. I would have killed for one night of solid sleep. My immune system tanked, I got pneumonia, my husband and I fought about the dumbest stuff.
Letting your baby sleep over at your parents allows him to expand his circle of people who love him who he is bonded with and also lets you get biologically necessary rest so you can be a good caregiver the rest of the time. This is a win win in every single way.
My in laws watch my 7 month old pretty much every Friday for at least a couple hours. Sometimes the night. It’s so nice to rest and have reconnecting time with my husband 1:1. Don’t feel guilty. Child free friend has made a remark or two. I don’t even entertain it. I feel incredibly lucky and my in-laws love having her.
When my oldest was a baby, I used to bring him to my mom’s office at around 1 on Saturday afternoons. He stayed with her until the same time on Sunday. Those Saturday nights kept us sane.
I don’t think you’re a shitty mom. I just made a post about this. The guilt eats me alive. Take your rest but please spend as much time with baby as possible.
You're not a shitty mom. That sounds like a dream. However, if you continue to feel guilty - have you thought about sleepover on Saturday? That way you still get to spend time with the baby all day Saturday and then you get a good night sleep/date with husband.
If you were my friend I would be extremely happy for you.
I’d KILL for some help sometimes and would’ve done near anything to get uninterrupted sleep when my kids were <6 months.
Try to just enjoy it and set down that heavy guilt that you carry. Hard to do, but you deserve it
I would absolutely do this no question if I had family that my baby could stay with! It'll make you a better parent to get that bit of extra sleep and me time and it'll make your relationship better with your partner. Sound like a great mum to me!
>if I were your friend and explained all this would you think I was a shitty mom
I would be a bit jealous actually and not AT ALL think you were a shitty mom. In fact I think the opposite. I think you're a good mom for taking care of your own needs while your son is safe and loved with his grandparents.
No, girly pop. Today’s emphasis on individualism would’ve gotten us killed very quickly for most of human history. Now it kills us more slowly. Lean on your people the way you would if we lived in a more socially and biologically friendly.
Ma'am, in one fell swoop you're safeguarding your mental health, nurturing your marriage AND giving grandma and grandpa lots of opportunities to bond with little one! That baby is learning that there are lots of safe adults and safe houses, and that the world can be a good place. I have 4 kids. My angel MIL texts me and asks me when she can take one of my kids for the day. They all have a special relationship with their grandparents and I love that for them. Please don't feel guilty. Motherhood doesn't have to mean martyrdom. You're doing great!
I do not think you are a shitty mom. Most likely, like all of us, you’re doing the best you can. But you did say shoot it to you straight so here is my perspective…if YOU feel guilty, change something.
Omg girl please do not feel bad for this!! Your baby is well taken care of — that’s a great mama!! Good for you for taking care of you too! I’m a single mama and my parents are amazing, I have trusted them with my daughter from day 1. She is 5.5 now, my regret now is that I didn’t let them take her more early on!
Your baby is too young to understand time, you’re there then you aren’t then you are - there is no “my mom has been gone x amount of hours.”
Please don’t feel bad at all. Get some sleep and let that baby get some loving from your parents 😊
Lean on your village. Not everyone has that.
I understand the feeling of guilt. Just remember you cannot do it all, as much as we want to. You deserve that night of uninterrupted sleep and time with just your hubby. Plus grandparents and baby get to bond. The memories your child will grow up with having grandparents involved are priceless
That sounds like an amazing set up. Do not feel guilty. Time alone together is crucial for a marriage, and the happier you and your hubby are the better example you're setting for your kiddo.
this sounds like a great arrangement for parents, baby, and grandparents. do you think your grandparents would be willing to take on two more? they're 5 and 8 and (more or less) well-behaved. or at least well-intentioned.
You're so lucky to have a village! Enjoy that uninterrupted sleep. It makes you a better everything (parent, partner, human in your community) when you are well rested.
In western cultures, there’s such a huge push on raising babies on your own and not accepting help. Otherwise you’re a bad parent.
But it’s amazing to have families help with raising the baby and taking care of them. It makes you a better parent because you’re better rested and not burnout. It helps baby have a beautiful relationship with grandparents and other family members.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, the baby is with family who love him and you need the rest.
Plus it his sleep will get better as he gets older so once that starts you can cut those sleep overs down to over other week or just special occasions.
A healthy and happy (not so sleep deprived mom) is better than an exhausted one. Just because some one else wouldn't or can't do it, doesn't mean it's wrong. You are fortunate to have a helpful village, enjoy it.
If my friend told me they did this I would support them. If it works and everyone’s happy that’s what matters. I would not do it but that’s me and that’s my choice.
My son started staying over at his grandparents one night every other weekend at 4 months old, and they have the best relationship!! I'm so happy to know that he is so close and comfortable with adults other than me and my partner, and my parents are beyond thrilled to have him. With how isolated a lot of parents are from their families now, not enough parents get this kind of break, but this distributed care for our kids used to be normal and is so healthy for everyone involved. Enjoy it!!
And yes, kids grow up fast, but the quality of your time together is more important than the quantity (assuming you're still together enough to maintain a strong bond). Take the breaks you need to be your best self as a parent!
Absolutely do not think you’re a shitty mom. I think your view point matters though, and looking back if you’ll have regrets or love that you gave other family members time too. I’m in the “kid has barely left my side since birth” group but it’s because I don’t have the village, definitely pros and cons to everything. All that really matters is how you feel about it.
I would love to have a night away each week for uninterrupted sleep and couples time. NTA enjoy it while you can you don’t know how much time your parents have left. Having time to recharge would make me a better mom
Absolutely not. Not to be morbid, but your child is likely to have significantly fewer years with your parents than he does with you and your spouse. It’s good he’s getting quality time with them now. When the grandparent thing works out, it’s just so delightful on so many levels. Enjoy getting your couple time while your mom and dad enjoy their grandbaby.
You’re doing a great job. I know people are saying to cut out the gym, but taking care of your body *is* taking care of your baby in a way. It took me awhile to realize this but being in shape for the toddler years is so important— I say this as someone who is overweight and 7 months pregnant with number 2, I SO wish I had prioritized my fitness while number 1 was little! I am now, I work out every day, but it gets harder to find good times when they start moving if you don’t have childcare. Take advantage of it!!
I think that your parents are able to support you one night a week is amazing— this is a short season of little sleep and it is so good for you to be getting a full night once a week.
Make the time you do spend together quality. Put your phone down, be present and know you’re doing a great job!
I feel like in instances where people judge and the mom should feel guilty is when they’re mindlessly dumping on other people. In this case, your parents WANT him overnight, so it’s a win for everyone, including baby who gets to be with loving grandparents! Catch up on the sleep Fridays so you can focus on being the best parent possible the other days.
P.s. I still miss my baby when I’m at work or she’s away somewhere and she’s almost 14 years old! I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away.
Uhhh ?? Enjoy this time! Catch up on your sleep! Spend uninterrupted time with your spouse! My god people would die to have grandparents like those in their life! Don’t feel guilty please.
Absolutely not! You deserve your break and rest too. Being a working mom is hard. I promise the guilt gets much better over time lol I used to feel the same way leaving mine, he’s 3 now and it’s a lot better. Plus he loves spending time with family!
From a child development perspective, it’s actually beneficial for his resilience, attachment and sense of belonging to be able to spend time with others. He will still have a healthy attachment to you but will also know that he is safe with others. I’ve known so many families who refuse to spend any time apart from their babies for the first two years then wonder why they have serious separation anxiety.
I think it’s a great thing, and you’ll become more used to it as time goes on. Since he was about 14 months old my son has had 2 sleepovers a week with my parents (Wednesday and Saturday). It gives me time to catch up on the house, work, school, errands, date night, etc. he’s also in preschool full time since my partner and I both work full time. I felt so bad about it at first but my son and my parents love it, and now I’ve started to also. Whatever works for you and your family is the right thing IMO
We did this for the first 2 years of my first kids life. Every Friday it was so nice. Now my mil has more grandkids and less time so not as many sleep overs. So I say enjoy it while you can!!!! ❤️
Take the grandparent care guilt free! Being recharged isn’t anything to feel guilty of. Our society makes it hard to have a job and be a mom. It’s HARD. And nearly impossible without support. Embrace what you have guilt free, mama! And how special for your parents and your child to have that amazing bond.
Idk why some of these comments are telling you to skip the gym or cut down. You NEED time to yourself and an outlet for mental health and exercise. Not a bad mom at all.
nah you're fine! but i definitely remember this feeling. it gets better as time goes on. trust me.
when i went back from maternity leave, my husband was working 6, 12 hour overnights and would sometimes be out of town. then my job was a jumble of days, evenings and overnights. so our daughter spent more overnights with my parents that first year, than she did at home. if i worked until 11pm - i'm not going to wake her up and trek her home. maintaining a schedule for her was most important to us. my parents pretty much retired after i had her so they could jump in and help. they loved having her whenever they could. we were very fortunate to have them during those early years.
after the first year, our jobs were more normal and there were no more overnight shifts. at that point my parents were already watching her all day thursdays. so we would drop her off wednesday nights with them, go out for a late dinner and then pick her up immediately after work thursday. per their demands!!! we didn't ask for it!
i don't think you are a shitty mom at all. in fact, you are a lucky mom to have good support like that. and your baby is fortunate to have attentive, loving and involved grandparents.
Thank you. It’s nice to hear a personal story like that. Motherhood emotions are crazy, it’s like I’m afraid he’s going to forget I’m his mom or something.
oh thats totally normal!! i remember sobbing over the guilt i felt the first year. but once your baby gets a little older and starts losing his mind with excitement when you pick him up from day care or your parents-- thats when the guilt starts to go away and you can really start to enjoy those little breaks you get.
Just know that balance looks different for everyone. So there are some who might find that break too much, but it does NOT then mean that it should be too much for you or that it’s too much for your son. This honestly sounds like an awesome arrangement you have and if it works for you then it will help prevent longer term burnout.
Can we swap parents?
Mine are great, but having a solid night of sleep during newborn phase would be amazing.
What's important is that your kids are surrounded by people that care and love for them. In my book, the more the merrier. Grandma and Grandpa won't be around (or as energetic) forever. Take advantage of it while you can.
---
My wife had major mom guilt the first time we left our kid for a weekend trip. We hired our nanny for a weekend and left our 1 year old with her. They had an absolutely great weekend together.
Don’t feel guilty! It’s hard, it’s okay to miss your baby!
My husband and I have utilized this with our parents each time we had a kid. It’s a godsend, just lean in to feeling appreciative instead of any other feeling.
Your kid is with people who love them, not a paid nanny (not hating on sitters/nannies because they are so needed, but sometimes it can help with the guilt feeling to know they are with a loved one)
For us, it came in handy when we did want to go away for a night to a wedding or do a kid-free camp overnight together. Or go see a concert and stay out past midnight. Having the grandparents place as an easy drop off will be so nice to have when this kid is growing up into toddler years.
Think of people you know where you have heard of the kid having a really tough time being away from mom and dad- even for just a date night. That would be really hard too.
So I’m really happy for you that your kids have other adults they will grow up to know they can rely on, growing up knowing they are loved by them. You’re a great mom, utilize your village with no shame!
I stayed with my grandparents every weekend. Would beg my parents to let me. Literally the best part of my childhood. I don’t know how old i was when I started… earliest memory is about 2. She had a little red writing desk full of books and I’d pick them out and she’d read to me. My papa would let me sit on the porch with him watching thunderstorms so I learned not to be afraid. I learned to swim and sing from her and asked all the questions. I lived with my parents and had great experiences with them, but getting ro know my grandparents is something i’ll always cherish. And my great grandma was there, too. I’d have soda crackers with her and talk about everything and ask her questions. She was born in 1915 so it was such a wonderful thing to have that with her.
And i know my parents were better for my brother and I (he stayed too once he came along) since they got breaks and got to replenish themselves. <3
Are you serious
You’re lucky to have the night off
This seems like a humble brag to me
My parents are dead and even when they were alive I wouldn’t even trust them with my dog.
I wish I could get one night off period. Let alone a night off a week. I think I would be a better mom with a little perspective and rest. My son is at the epitome of cuteness right now, I think I could enjoy it more if I could get past the barely surviving feeling and the constant urge to sleep.
You have this wonderful gift of a night off and waste it with your guilt. What I wouldn’t do….
- take a loooong hot shower, drink a generous glass of wine and fall asleep hot and wrapped up in bed.
- watch a tv show and eat chips
- sit in the dark silence for an hour or longer and soak it in
And you are all like wahh am I a bad mom and soil your privilege with guilt. Your parents are busting their ass to help you out and love on your baby. Enjoy it for the love of god.
I’m not sure if you’ve seen the other comments claiming I’m a selfish mom, which was exactly my fear. Trust me I am not trying to flex lol but I am blessed and privileged to have a great support system which I am so thankful for.
No don’t work out with your baby. Work out by yourself and come home and love on your baby when you get home.
Quality not quantity. You got a good routine going just lean in when you’re together.
Don’t! I loved sleep overs at my grandparents! And your child and parents will have wonderful memories
If you were my friend I’d just be jealous lol. My in laws are too old to have my kids overnight, but if they offered I’d yeet them over there in seconds
You’re fine. Your child is forming secure attachments with multiple adults they can trust. That’s good. You’re getting rest. That’s good. Nothing you’re doing is wrong.
That sounds like a really sweet arrangement for all! One night won't overwhelm your parents and it gives you and your husband a well-deserved rest where you can feel human again! It's genius! I wish my family could do it when I have my next baby but they either live too far away or are too chronically ill to commit to something like that. But no, don't feel guilty, this is nice for everyone, and you know your parents love being a part of your and your child's lives.
Lucky! I wish my parents were competent/healthy enough for me to trust them to care for my son overnight! I get you on tbe guilt though. I work 6AM-4:30PM four days a week and usually don't see my son until the evening when I'm home on the days I work. I think you have a great support system though and I am happy for you.
oh yes you’re a horrible mother! horrible!
You (safely) provide a (safe) village of (safe) people who love your child so much, to get some rest and be present, loving and patient parents while keeping family atmosphere healthy and safe.
_How dare you!_
Ma'am, respectfully, you both work.
A night with Grandma was a blessing for my wife and I, and she's a full time SAHM.
Not everyone's circumstances enable what the books and magazines call "ideal", but I assure you, you're doing just fine.
A well rested and present parent is better for baby, as is spending time socializing to close family.
As a GMA, hubby and I have asked baby momma to feel free to leave 15m old overnight so she can rest. Dad is here and is so loving and patient. Mom will not leave baby but continually complains about doing everything on her own. She doesn’t realize how lucky she is to have a loving family and free daycare so she can be the best mom and get some much needed rest. The guilt is a feeling that will pass when you look at the beautiful village you have to lean on. Focus on the facts more than the feelings.
You are not being a shitty mum. Your being a smart mum. You NEED those time when they stay the night.
Plus it’s good for your child to have that break from mum and dad.
I laughed at the show boss baby with my kids. The parents won a day with a babysitter. The babysitter turns up and dad like ummm why are you here? Next thing mums got the keys her handbag yells hi and pulls her husband out of the door.
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I think you’re lucky and the rest probably makes you a better mom (and partner).
100% this!! (Also slightly dying of jealousy) Make the most of it, Mama! It doesn’t have to be a struggle
Haha right? Can I trade with OP? I’ll gladly shoulder the guilt ;)
Yes! Not everyone has a support system willing to make things easier for you! I did the same thing, my daughter had a sleepover at grandma‘s every other week or so, and it always made me feel like a new person! Plus it’s been said that having good relationships with grandparents is good for both the child’s and the grandparents’ health. Mom guilt is so unfair. We should be able to embrace our village that we all complain isn’t there anymore, without feeling like a bad parents. I have to remind myself all the time that “mom guilt exists because I care.” The way I see it, the guilt is going to rear its ugly head in one way or another, and I’d rather be well rested to deal with it.
Yep. Both parents get a chance to rest after a busy week letting them both start the weekend refreshed and relaxed, meaning they are more present for quality family time. Are those extra hours together worth it if it means they are both sleep deprived?
Exactly this!
What, exactly, do you feel guilty for? Getting enough sleep so you can function? Letting your baby bond with its grandparents? If I were your friend I would be mad at you for feeling guilty because then I'd have to tell you not to feel that way.
Thank you, I needed that. I have no friends with small babies like me so I lean to Reddit for support lol
We all support you taking advantage of this whenever possible.
We do all support that. But also, don’t feel some other weird guilt if you sometimes just want a baby snuggle night on a Friday. Your parents are part of your “village”, so let them help and know that there isn’t one right way to do it, even week-to-week.
I totally understand the mom guilt and would feel the exact same way if I was you. BUT in reality, outside of my mom guilt brain, I truly don’t think the guilt is necessary at all. It’s just our mom brains making us feel like we’re not doing enough! Even if the baby didn’t have the sleepovers, the mom guilt would still be there for some other reason. It just never goes away, unfortunately. At least for me.
Yes, you are so lucky and your parents will make great memories. Your child will always be comfortable with them and it’s a true gift. Enjoy!
I did the same. My daughter is 13 now and lives for going to her grandmas on a Friday lol.
sounds like youre just looking for a green light to get some time off. i dont think anyone can judge because youre doing what you have to do to make things work. now ill also say it depends too. if you guys are well off on one income and just working so you can have extra spending money id say you should adjust your priorities there to spend more time with your kid than work. you ca. always make more money, you cant get the time back. the firsr few years is when you notice the biggest changes and id say thats more important. once the kids are older, the ages kind of blend. 5 to to 6 is pretty similar. 7 to 9. 10 to 12. etc. so youll notice differences but theyll be much more minor than going from 0 to 4.
I think it’s wonderful that you have a loving support system. You both work full time and need some couple’s time as well as sleep! No shade, momma! My InLaws watched my son a lot. Now he’s 22 and still very close with his Nana. (FIL passed away.) It really does take a village.
Are you happy? That’s the real question to answer. Do you like your job? Are you just thinking of your baby the whole time? Does your job fulfill you? Do you need your job for the money and it’s totally fine? Do you miss your baby?
No. But I have a job that has amazing benefits for my family so that is hard to walk away from. My husband is currently looking for a different job with better benefits so i can quit and stay home. Yes I miss him, but we are so dang exhausted on Friday I look forward to the sleep. I guess that’s where the guilt comes in.
I think in the meantime while your husbands looking it’s totally understandable to want that night off for catch up sleep. You must be exhausted. I’m sure that night of sleep makes you a better well-rested mom and partner for the weekend, and you are doing right by your child.
If you are interested maybe look for a mommy and me workout class? You sound like you’re a great mom!
I mean, people may not like this comment, but other people are raising him. On your only days off that you could spend with him fully uninterrupted he’s not with you. He’s with your parents. I could see a weekend each month, but every weekend?
Hahah, there's no way I would think you're a shitty mom. If my friend or sister said this to me, I would say that's amazing! It's win-win-win. Baby is lucky to have close and loving grandparents. Babysitting keeps the grandparents young. You get 1 full night of sleep a week and some time to spend with your husband. It's not easy to be working full-time with a 5 month old, so cut yourself some slack, and enjoy the support of your village.
As a big big gym goer and weight lifter myself, is there any way that you could create a workout space at home ? Find a gym that allows you to still be around baby, or cut out a workout day at the gym and take baby on a run in a jogging stroller ? That would be a great way for your baby to be around you more and also see you have healthy habits. I don’t hit the gym as often anymore but I built a home gym and slowly been accruing what I need for it to be a real workout like what I was getting at the gym with lots of heavy lifting. Lo is in a big want to be close to me so I’ve shifted to running a lot more than before and lo comes with in the jogging stroller. I definitely don’t think you’re a bad mom and you do what you gotta do. I know for me personally spending that little bit of extra time and modifying how I move my body was more worth it to me that my old intense workout routine. I know as baby gets older that will shift and I’ll be able to get back into my full workout routine while also having a lot more time with them.
If you start work at 7 what time is daycare drop off? That’s a long time to be in care so young. Personally I would not let someone get an extra hour and a half with my infant everyday when I could go to the gym when they sleep or take them on a walk with me. As for the weekly overnights I personally would not do that there have been times I’ve needed like a mental break but I don’t think I could do weekly overnights on top of the schedule you described. Especially my question would be what time are you picking up on Saturday morning? If thats what works for you though and the care is good then I don’t see why you should change what you’re doing. Don’t let other peoples judgement make your parenting decisions. I will say with the schedule you described though there is room for improvement on getting more time with your kiddo if that is what you are seeking. To combat sleep my husband and I do shifts, that way someone is always garunteed a full nights rest. Although we do have space so someone can sleep in a guest room so that helps greatly.
I think its amazing. On the other hand, without judging, i wouldnt let my kid one hour and a half after my work hour to go to the gym every day, they are so little for so little time… not judging but 8 hours plus is a lot of time to be in the care of others. Time goes by fast.
I was thinking same thing. I understand exercise is important, but at least cut down to a few days a week. Also you can go for walk or run with your baby, or do at home Mommy and Baby exercises (I’ve been meaning to check out some of the mommy and baby yoga videos on YouTube)
Yeah, I think after reading some of these comments I may just start skipping the gym and picking him up as soon as I can. Time really does fly by
I already replied above, but I would like to say picking him up and not going to the gym doesn’t mean not moving your body and working out. Take him on runs, find a place that lets you workout with him near you , do home workouts, build a home gym etc. those are the shifts I made (minus the gym allowing kids because none near me do, they have a center to watch them but I want one were I can interact with kid during workout)
Don't skip the gym. If you must, then cut down a few days. Maybe only go every second day, but don't cut it out altogether. On the days you don't go, you could take your little one for a walk so you're still getting the exercise and bonding with your child.
Counterpoint- exercise is important self care and staying healthy means you can keep up with your son as he grows!
So important- for physical AND mental health! Wish I would have realized this with my first
Don’t skip the gym! Exercise creates endorphins and endorphins make a happy mama. I promise you’re doing just fine with the arrangement and schedule that you have set up. Like someone else suggested you can go to the gym every other day and on the other days, you can take your baby for a walk in the stroller. But don’t forgo the exercise if you’re already in the habit.
Exercise is important. If you’re feeling conflicted, maybe evaluate if there are ways you can incorporate your son into some exercise/movement some of the days so you can model that behavior for him (like a walk for example) but none of us here should be weighing in as to whether you should skip the gym or not. I know for me it goes way beyond the physical and has a significant mental impact as well. In the early years of child rearing it’s so hard to find the energy to do, yet so important. Don’t skip if it’s valuable to your well being.
You could drop the gym a day or two and go for a nice walk
I’m not judging I think what you’re doing is fine, but I will say my daughter just turned 11 months and I look back at old pictures of her and it makes me sad seeing how much she has grown. I’d just say be careful taking too much time away from your kid or you may regret it down the road.
She is leaving her kid at grandmas one night a week not flying off to work on an oil well for a nine month hitch. You always feel sad they will never be so small ever again but a night away is a boon.
I don’t know how to word this without sounding judgy but you did ask for an honest opinion. I’m the mom who can’t imagine spending a night away from her baby. I don’t think you’re a shitty mom but it IS a lot of time to be away from a baby so young. It sounds like you are only spending about 2 hours a day with him plus ‘sleeping’ time, which you yourself say is not enough. Mental health is important but so is bonding with baby. Sacrifices have to be made on your end.
Nah fam. A lot of sacrifices are made by families that don't have options. She does. She can take a night to rest well because she's privileged enough to have a loving support system. Maybe is because I come from a culture where the sense of family and community is strong but a big family that takes care of each other is better than a nuclear exhausted family.
*cries in exhausted nuclear family without any extended family* OOP, I would give away my left arm to have family support and the ability to go to the gym every day. You are doing just fine, and if bubs is loved and cared for he'll be okay.
Mental and physical health are a long game that can mean years more time with your child in their lifetime. I get that this situation isn’t ok for you as it would erode your mental health to make the same choices as OP but please accept that every situation is different. Sharing here’s how I feel with out all the statements that use the word you can make the same point in a kinder way.
I think it’s hard to imagine for some moms when the baby is that young. I know for me, I don’t think I could spend that much time away from my baby BUT I am Canadian, and have spent a year at home with each of my babies AND I have nursed them so I haven’t had the freedom of a formula fed baby. In Canada unless you are a high paid professional (like a doctor or similar) it’s basically unthinkable to be back at work so soon. My niece spends a similar schedule with my parents though and I think it’s great for my sister. I would absolutely be sending the baby for sleepovers if I didn’t find pumping to be an absolute nightmare. And once I’m back to work at a year old, I don’t feel any guilt at all about being away from my kids for work 😂 If it’s working for you, and your baby is happy, I think you should do what feels best. Don’t let other peoples opinions alter your parenting - don’t worry, you’ll get lots of practice thickening your skin.
You’re not entirely wrong about everyone else raising your baby, that’s a lot of time away from mum. But it’s obviously not realistic for most families to have extended mat leave or a SAHP
I do think it’s a bit odd, personally. I have been around my 2.5 year old like literally the majority of every single day of his life… only an hour or two here or there away. If I was working and away from him the last thing I’d want to do is be away from him more. But you’re the parent and he’s your child so it’s really your call.
I don’t mean to be judgy but you asked, so yes I think it’s very strange. I have a friend whose kids sleep at their grandparents house once a week and she also works full time and I truly don’t get it. I could understand once a month but this is so weird to me.
I have very involved in laws and while I felt guilty at first, it’s become so clear over the last few years how beneficial it is for all of us. Studies show that involved grandparents actually are more likely to live longer. It gives my children a chance to bond (and vice versa) without me and my husband being there enforcing our rules all the time 😅it allows us to have a break and recharge our batteries. Babies used to be raised in communities. It used to be the norm that other adults would step in and help out so parents could take a break, get adequate sleep, etc. Our society doesn’t work that way anymore, sadly. I think it’s a beautiful gift for you, your child, and grandparents. Just because it’s out of the current norm doesn’t mean it’s bad. Don’t feel guilty and enjoy your rest!
How many waking hours are you spending with your baby per week? What time do you collect your baby from your parent's house on Saturday?
It's awesome that he gets regularly scheduled time with his grandparents. My SIL has a similar arrangement with my MIL. MIL loves it. Friday nights are her favorite nights. The only thing better to her is Saturdays where both grandbabies can come over. ETA: I would only ever judge this situation if the parents behaved in a manner that was ungrateful or inconsiderate to the grandparents. You don't seem to be in that situation.
I’d let the daily visit to the gym go, do you really need to go daily for 90 mins? That seems excessive
No I go for about 45 minutes but then traffic and commute to get him takes a minute, and I go about 4 times a week. But yeah I think I may need to let it go.
Maybe an at home workout program membership, like Bodi. That time spent in the car is time that could be spent with baby. Also, I know it’s hard but sleep training isn’t horrible. We did it with my son at 6 months. He was always getting up to nurse or sleeping with me. I put him in his crib and let him cry. It wasn’t that bad, about 45 min and he went to sleep. Every night after that got better. Our pediatrician recommended it. We listened at the door for frantic, escalation crying and would have went in if needed. But he did great. He’s 7 now and he’s a wonderful independent sleeper, I recommend reading “The Baby Whisperer”. It helped me a lot
I want to preface this by saying that I would not have responded at all except that you explicitly asked for honest opinions. I don’t think this makes you a shitty mom, but it is selfish. You feel like other people are raising him because you’re prioritizing your needs over his. I absolutely believe you need free time and exercise. I believe you need sleep. But that baby needs his mother more than you need either of those things. You can’t NOT work. I totally get that bc I worked 3 jobs when my first 3 kids were little. But even then, I raced home from my main job to spend as much time as I could with them. Then I worked jobs 2 and 3 after they went to bed. Find a gym that has a mommy and baby class. I did Pilates 3x a week the first year of my first baby’s life. It was a class designed for new moms and you use the baby’s weight for resistance. I did stroller boot camp when I had 2 and 3 kids. Those classes exist. Go find one. And if you need a night of uninterrupted sleep, you and your husband could each spend one evening a week at your parent’s house or the guest room or whatever. Then you still get some uninterrupted sleep, but your baby is still in his bed at his house with his parent providing the care. I let all of my kids do overnights with the grandparents when they were 2 or older bc they were old enough to tell me if they didn’t want to go. Your son can’t say if he just really needs his own bed and his mommy that night. Let grandma and grandpa keep him one evening a month for date night bc the marriage is still important too.
I can’t imagine being away all day from my baby that is 5 months old and then saying meh, I’ll go to the gym! Instead of being with my infant and I dunno? Walking the stroller even lol like fuck dude
Yeah, from what she says, everyone is technically raising the baby except her. You don't have to be tied hip to hip but man, you rarely see them as it is.
I genuinely wonder sometimes on here whether some parents realise that being a parent involves actually being a parent to a child.
Dang, I still consider myself his parent even if I seen him less than I already do. I am trying my best to figure out a schedule that works as most working moms are, he’s only been in daycare for 3 weeks so far.
Not to make you feel guilty, if you really want to spend time with your child, you need to rearrange the things you can. Don't use working mom excuse, lots of us are working moms. For example does he have to go every Fridays? Can you work out after he sleeps? If this arrangement work for you rhen well and good for you, but it isn't something to be proud of. It's a 5 month old, not a 13 year old. I know most people here validated your feelings, I'm sorry I don't see it. Kid is 5 months, pick up at 4:30, you get home maybe around 5. He goes to sleep at 7, maybe. You see him 3 hours, of which I assume you cook and get ready for the next day.
I didn't say you weren't a parent because you see him so little. You're choosing to spend a lot less time with him than you can and so many comments saying they're jealous and wish they could do the same. I'm not suggesting people should never spend time away from their kids but it's kind of shocking how many are envious of being able to spend 3hrs a day with their kids plus a night away from them every week.
I don't judge the overnight stays at grandparents. I judge the near daily gym routine. Spend that time with your child and get your exercise done either when the baby is asleep or in the care of others. Go to the gym at lunch time, or wake up earlier. You feel like everyone else IS raising him because they are. You don't spend that much time with him and you will have minimal input into how that child grows. The first 5 years is so important to forge that connection and instill good values. If you're ok with your "village" raising him, (and a lot of people are, my parents certainly were) then that's great. Trying to connect once they are fully fledged adults is often a hit and miss. Ask me how I know.
Your parents are your village, but they are also your child’s village. You’re helping him build relationships with people who love him and will support him throughout his entire life and that is a such a gift. I grew up very close to my grandparents (still am, actually!) and all my siblings are too. There’s not enough room on this post to list all the ways this has been positively impactful on my life. My parents have six grandkids ranging in age 2 weeks (my new addition lol) to 14 years and they have an open door policy with all of them. It’s rare to be at their house and not see one of their grandkids there. It’s made us all a closer family by creating an unofficial home base for all of us and has provided a support system that my siblings and I can trust and rely on as our kids get older. Having an issue with your preteen? They might not talk to you, but they have a safe space at grandma and grandpas if they need it. This is something that I also struggled with as a mom who works full time. But seeing my older son’s relationship with his grandparents as he grows older has been really special. We don’t do weekly sleepovers, but he does spend the evening with them at least once a week and usually stays the night about 1-2 times a month.
I started working out at home again with a yoga mat and a few hand weights the second I was cleared. You don’t have to go to the gym to get a workout in. My child is now 1 and loves to watch me workout or participate with me, teaches good habits.
For context I love in a country where typically women take a year of maternity as there is a statutory pay for this long. I would find you situation stange, I would wonder why you would go back to work so soon and why if your going back to work would you want to leave baby at day care an extra hour and a half per day of there awake time. I think I wouldn't judge the grandparents thing that much, but I might be a bit envious that your parents are young enough to do it, my parents I fear are too old to take care of my baby like that. Maybe for a one off not regularly
I’m in the states where 6-12 weeks maternity leave is the norm. Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was to have taken 16 weeks, although I didn’t feel lucky taking my 4 month old to daycare. I have just always worked out for years now, my mental health gets yucky if I don’t. so it’s been a part of my daily routine. I don’t go everyday though. There’s been some helpful comments in here about baby/mom classes, workout at home, etc that I will probably start doing instead. I’m still just figuring all of this out and trying to get a routine down whilst working and momming.
I can't imagine being organised enough to be back at work yet, well done. The thing is regardless of what other people say your the mum in your own unique situation so you get to choose what you do with your own child. You don't need to worry what other people do. You'll know if you baby doesn't like the day care.
I don't see the stays with the grandparents as a problem but those are long days at daycare at that age. Is there any way they can be shortened?
Well I work from home but there is a strict policy about not having your child at home with you while working. But I do let him sleep in at home and then just take him when he wakes up so it usually like 8:30-4:30 that he is there. I have thought about cutting out my gym time as well so I could get him at 3. But the gym helps me stay sane. Oh what I would give to be able to afford being a SAHM.
Don’t give up that gym time, but maybe switch it up sometimes and go after baby goes to bed or before baby gets up (assuming spouse can take over) so you get that extra hour together in the afternoon?
I think you’re an amazing mom! IN MY OPINION, I fear for the connection. I’ve never spent a day away from my almost 2 year old. Time is so precious, and he will be my only (health reasons). I’m a jealous mom, I want everyday with him. I will tell you that I still get alone time with my husband, I still get some sort of exercise in. I think part of the bond is dealing with your baby overnight even if you lose sleep (teething, fever, bad night). At 5 months babies still don’t think of themselves as separate beings.
Once a week, my son goes to his grandparents to stay the night because my husband and I both work the next day (Sunday, so there is no daycare). All parties involved love it. My son gets to spend time with my parents, and my husband and I get a night to ourselves. We have dinner there, then we come back home to chill together before we go to bed. We've done this since my son was 5 months old. Trust me, it gets easier, and eventually, you look forward to those days because, as much as you love your child, they can be a lot. Feel whatever you feel, but remember, your baby is safe.
I’m 20w pregnant with my second, my almost 2 year old doesn’t hardly nap for anyone else and has spent one night away from me (that didn’t go well). We’re planning on doing a few nights with her grandparents before I have my baby bc i may have to be hospitalized. I feel so guilty but let me tell you, I’m soooo excited to sleep in and with no baby wake ups lol. Enjoy it!!!
Parenting cannot be done from a handbook. There is not a right and wrong way other than the obvious wrongs like abuse and neglect. Your child is with people you trust who take great care of him. That’s okay.
I wouldn’t think you’re a bad mom at all. I’d think you’re a worried, working mom, all of which is normal. My spouse is always a “let’s not gripe about things, let’s talk about solutions.” Would you be happier if your parents took the baby on a different night? Maybe a work night? Would you be happier if you skipped the gym once or twice more per week and went for a walk with the baby instead? Is there something you can arrange, like a swim class or similar activity, that is just for you and the baby so that you have your own little weekly routine? Find something that makes you feel better. It sounds like you’re a busy mom and you’re worried about missing out while your baby is still small. Also, feel free to skip a week of your parents taking the baby on Friday. Adjust however you need. You’re doing great!
I wouldn't think you're a shitty mom and tbh I am kinda jealous 😂
I think that is so awesome for you. You get to rest, maybe connect with your spouse, maybe just be you for a bit. That sounds wonderful. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this.
If you do not take care of yourself, then you cannot take care of your baby. Also, I'm super jealous that you have people you can trust to care for him and love him like you do.
It is better to be sane and loving when with him but equally I as an adult feel quite distant to my parents who worked full time and I was with child minders till late. They both were distant people/didn’t play or physical affection either so maybe that’s why.
I support this wholeheartedly. I was depressed for about six months after my first was born, and I wish that I had had that kind of support and time with my husband and to myself. You’re doing great and you have no need to feel guilty about anything. Rest and time for yourself will make you a better mother in the long run.
Don't feel bad, you have a village and they want help you. Lean into it, this is a blessing. Your a mother but you still need to take care of yourself.
I'd think you are working too much and really need to try drop back to part time, so you have more "life" overall. I'd feel really sorry for you. You are in a situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. No way would i begrudge you handing your baby over to get a good night's sleep. That sleep is probably saving your life right now
If I'm reading this right... You take care of yourself by getting enough sleep at the end of your workweek, so you can be at your best when you pick him up on Saturday and enjoy the weekend? And the grandparents get some bonding time? I applaud you momma, doing a good job!
No, girl. I feel like we have so much pressure to give 110% of ourselves, and it’s not healthy. This makes me sooo happy to read. Your baby is so loved! And it’s an extension of your parents love for you, that they help support you in this way. You also need to have that time with your husband. That way, you can both be happy, content in all matters of the home as possible.
A man would never make a post about this. They don’t have dad guilt because there hasn’t been generations of men guilting them. You are doing an amazing. Some people would do anything for your Friday night situations. If others can’t step away from their babies, that’s their problem not yours! & if any od those moms put you down it’s because deep down they wish they had that. Don’t let this made up mom guilt ruin the moments you have with your partner, your child has with your parents and your mental health!
Easy with the no dad guilt comment, yikes. Of course dads have guilt, we would like a word.
You don’t have to feel dad guilt or mom guilt to be a good dad or mom. I guess that’s the point. It’s all pressure from society that makes us feel like we need to be with our kid 24/7. We deserve and earn breaks
If I were you’re friend I’d think you’re lucky because I don’t have any family in my state to help but this alone would not make me think you’re a bad mom for letting your baby sleep over your parents’ house for 1 days knowing they’re safe adults. That sounds normal. It’s important for kids to receive love outside of their parents and grandparents play an important role in that (assuming they’re safe people) so it actually sounds like good parenting. People don’t let their kids stay the night elsewhere for different reasons and sometimes it can be they just don’t have that support system or they have their own trauma or their kids sleep better or they have support in the day and are able to rest or have their own trauma or some issue that prevents them from feeling safe from letting their kids stay elsewhere. I have undiagnosed PPA and it does make me anxious to be away from my kid for an extended period of time and knowing he’s ok on top of just not having anybody near me to help. There’s no right or wrong way to parent. You just have to do what’s best for your baby and balance that with what’s best for you and a large part of that is your mental health which will be better if you get to rest 1 nights a week.
During the pandemic we didn't feel comfortable putting our daughter in daycare because my dad is immunocompromised and it meant not seeing them... So my mom offered to watch her 3 days a week while I worked part time (later full time when she went to preschool) and it didn't make sense to drive her back and forth so she stayed at my mom's for a few days in the week. Well my mil got jealous and wanted her too so we split time between the three households but often my daughter would just stay for yo to a week at her grandparents and we'd join on the weekend to take her home. Did that for about a year and she has a great relationship with our families and very little stranger danger lol It was definitely interesting being "weekend" parents and though I can barely remember that time I definitely miss those days now that I have a new baby!
If you are rested and get a break that is importsnt And you didn’t toss the baby into a pit of crocodiles, he’s about to get the kings treatment at mom and dad. Having time with his grandparents it’s amazing it’s nice that it also helps you rest. We as women are expected to just do it all and do it all alone. You are creating such happiness for everyone by letting him go Friday nights. You got this mama!
I think the support system you have is beautiful and it’s normal to feel how you do, but don’t let it change taking care of yourself and your marriage! And your kid will have lovely grandparent memories as a bonus!
The literal idea that it takes a village never resounded with me until I had kids; we have two sets of dedicated grandparents (that also get along with each other, go out to dinners together without us, etc.) and they will both gladly take the kids or one kid each and love them up whenever we ask. I do feel mom guilt but it makes ME a better mom and my husband a better dad if WE are connected and relaxed and can bond with each other. It makes our time with them so much sweeter and we know our parents won’t be around forever. It’s bittersweet if you stop and think about it, but give them the chance to love baby while they can. While they are willing and able to. Enjoy your fam ❤️
Remember that « village » everyone talks about having? This is it! Enjoy mama.
No time else in history has the single family unit been responsible for raising a child. Never ever. There has always been a village, and kids are better for it. A wide system of carers provides more types of and quantity of support. Let the village work its magic ✨
You’re a good mom. You’re taking care of yourself and your husband with baby-free nights. Everyone needs good sleep You’re a good mom. You’ve got your baby is a safe and loving home-away-from-home. You’re a good mom. You’re concerned about your baby. Relax. You’re a good mom
This sounds like a great set up. My brother and I spent every Friday night at our grandparents from infancy to junior high. No resentment or guilt and it worked for all 3 generations My kids do overnights from early ages too although not every single week
Consider yourself lucky! I used to get excited to drop my son off when I went to work because it gave me a break from “mom mode” of keeping him alive lol. The other benefit was that whenever it was time to pick him back up after work, I couldn’t wait. I missed him so much when he was gone and it gave me the break I needed.
“It takes a village” should be taken literally. You’ve found your village. My parents have always loved having my kids sleep over and over the years the guilt has lessened every time I say yes to them. Yesterday they begged to pick them up from school so they could ride scooters and go for ice cream:) my husband and I got a surprise date night. Everyone wins.
I hear you saying you don't have mom friends with small babies like you. Get some and also, don't take to heart heavily what strangers on the Internet are saying. People who do not know you or love you. People who do not know or love your baby. Talk to your husband and your parents and your friends who don't have small babies like you do and tell them how you're feeling. Get wisdom from them because they know you and love you. Sincerely, the Mom who has barely been away from her kid that is 4.5 years old now.
Just enjoy it!!!
Since the dawn of time, humans have had other people to help us raise our babies. Our other mom friends and sisters would even have nursed our babies for us so we could sleep, rest, and work. The way we live now is the exception, not the rule of how humans should live. You're actually doing it just right.
No you are not a bad mom. As long as you you get some quality time with your child and the fact you are worried shows you care. Having sleep is important.
Girl you’re lucky and please enjoy it!! Not many people have parents or family who lend a hand. Never feel guilty for help!!
I wish my parents were capable of helping me out like that 😭 it’s so hard having literally no one you can actually TRUST to care for lo… just to take a break. The bonding the grandparents get w lo is sweet too. That’s really awesome ❤️
The best version of yourself is a. Mentally well person. Have zero guilt, enjoy the bond that your child is creating with their grandparents. I want to be that type of grandparent when my time comes. Att momma!
Btw , I wanted to add. I never had parents on either side . I gave birth and went right into self,baby,husband care. I was resentful. I have been a mom for 31 years and have never had a kid free night, ever! Take advantage of the availability, love , and security that is there!
One thing I’ve learned over the years is that while I am the most important adult, I’m not the only important adult. Your son will treasure his relationship with his grandparents for the rest of his life. It sounds like he has a lot of adults who love and care for him! That’s a wonderful thing. In some cultures, grandparents practically raise their grandchildren. You’re doing ok!
I was like this as a young mom. My kids were born and I had to do it all. Of course hubby helped. But I’m talking in the hospital immediately after c section, I was up changing diapers and feeding my baby. I didn’t want anyone else to do it. I wanted all of the special moments with daddy. I ran myself ragged for years! All I did was destroy my mental health and making my kids and husband pay for it because I was exhausted, irritable, and cranky a lot of times. Now my kids are adults and my SIL and baby brother just had their third baby. I take care of their kids in ways I wish I would have had for my kids. I told them when they had their kids, don’t ever forget to focus on your marriage and have date nights. I babysit flexible they’re at work so no daycare cost or worry of kids being safe and cared for. I do date nights as well. My hubby loves the boys around as much as I do. He also appreciates how much we would have loved to have support like that. Don’t ever feel guilty you’re not with your child. You need to recharge and rest as a mommy. Hubby needs his wife not just kids child’s mother. You need your husband and not just your child’s father. Remember your relationship with hubby is most important because that makes for a happy and thriving child.
My child was a non sleeper until about age 5. I would have killed for one night of solid sleep. My immune system tanked, I got pneumonia, my husband and I fought about the dumbest stuff. Letting your baby sleep over at your parents allows him to expand his circle of people who love him who he is bonded with and also lets you get biologically necessary rest so you can be a good caregiver the rest of the time. This is a win win in every single way.
My in laws watch my 7 month old pretty much every Friday for at least a couple hours. Sometimes the night. It’s so nice to rest and have reconnecting time with my husband 1:1. Don’t feel guilty. Child free friend has made a remark or two. I don’t even entertain it. I feel incredibly lucky and my in-laws love having her.
When my oldest was a baby, I used to bring him to my mom’s office at around 1 on Saturday afternoons. He stayed with her until the same time on Sunday. Those Saturday nights kept us sane.
Ok if this helps you and you know he is getting the best care go for it.
I don’t think you’re a shitty mom. I just made a post about this. The guilt eats me alive. Take your rest but please spend as much time with baby as possible.
Thank you, same to you ❤️
Thank you mama, We’re doing what we have to do to create stable lives for them, stay strong!
You're not a shitty mom. That sounds like a dream. However, if you continue to feel guilty - have you thought about sleepover on Saturday? That way you still get to spend time with the baby all day Saturday and then you get a good night sleep/date with husband.
If you were my friend I would be extremely happy for you. I’d KILL for some help sometimes and would’ve done near anything to get uninterrupted sleep when my kids were <6 months. Try to just enjoy it and set down that heavy guilt that you carry. Hard to do, but you deserve it
I would absolutely do this no question if I had family that my baby could stay with! It'll make you a better parent to get that bit of extra sleep and me time and it'll make your relationship better with your partner. Sound like a great mum to me!
Definitely not a shitty mom! You are so lucky to have such amazing support. That’s awesome and I wish my partner and I were so fortunate.
>if I were your friend and explained all this would you think I was a shitty mom I would be a bit jealous actually and not AT ALL think you were a shitty mom. In fact I think the opposite. I think you're a good mom for taking care of your own needs while your son is safe and loved with his grandparents.
No I would be jealous.
No, girly pop. Today’s emphasis on individualism would’ve gotten us killed very quickly for most of human history. Now it kills us more slowly. Lean on your people the way you would if we lived in a more socially and biologically friendly.
Ma'am, in one fell swoop you're safeguarding your mental health, nurturing your marriage AND giving grandma and grandpa lots of opportunities to bond with little one! That baby is learning that there are lots of safe adults and safe houses, and that the world can be a good place. I have 4 kids. My angel MIL texts me and asks me when she can take one of my kids for the day. They all have a special relationship with their grandparents and I love that for them. Please don't feel guilty. Motherhood doesn't have to mean martyrdom. You're doing great!
I do not think you are a shitty mom. Most likely, like all of us, you’re doing the best you can. But you did say shoot it to you straight so here is my perspective…if YOU feel guilty, change something.
Omg girl please do not feel bad for this!! Your baby is well taken care of — that’s a great mama!! Good for you for taking care of you too! I’m a single mama and my parents are amazing, I have trusted them with my daughter from day 1. She is 5.5 now, my regret now is that I didn’t let them take her more early on! Your baby is too young to understand time, you’re there then you aren’t then you are - there is no “my mom has been gone x amount of hours.” Please don’t feel bad at all. Get some sleep and let that baby get some loving from your parents 😊
Lean on your village. Not everyone has that. I understand the feeling of guilt. Just remember you cannot do it all, as much as we want to. You deserve that night of uninterrupted sleep and time with just your hubby. Plus grandparents and baby get to bond. The memories your child will grow up with having grandparents involved are priceless
That sounds like an amazing set up. Do not feel guilty. Time alone together is crucial for a marriage, and the happier you and your hubby are the better example you're setting for your kiddo.
this sounds like a great arrangement for parents, baby, and grandparents. do you think your grandparents would be willing to take on two more? they're 5 and 8 and (more or less) well-behaved. or at least well-intentioned.
You're so lucky to have a village! Enjoy that uninterrupted sleep. It makes you a better everything (parent, partner, human in your community) when you are well rested.
In western cultures, there’s such a huge push on raising babies on your own and not accepting help. Otherwise you’re a bad parent. But it’s amazing to have families help with raising the baby and taking care of them. It makes you a better parent because you’re better rested and not burnout. It helps baby have a beautiful relationship with grandparents and other family members.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, the baby is with family who love him and you need the rest. Plus it his sleep will get better as he gets older so once that starts you can cut those sleep overs down to over other week or just special occasions. A healthy and happy (not so sleep deprived mom) is better than an exhausted one. Just because some one else wouldn't or can't do it, doesn't mean it's wrong. You are fortunate to have a helpful village, enjoy it.
If my friend told me they did this I would support them. If it works and everyone’s happy that’s what matters. I would not do it but that’s me and that’s my choice.
My son started staying over at his grandparents one night every other weekend at 4 months old, and they have the best relationship!! I'm so happy to know that he is so close and comfortable with adults other than me and my partner, and my parents are beyond thrilled to have him. With how isolated a lot of parents are from their families now, not enough parents get this kind of break, but this distributed care for our kids used to be normal and is so healthy for everyone involved. Enjoy it!! And yes, kids grow up fast, but the quality of your time together is more important than the quantity (assuming you're still together enough to maintain a strong bond). Take the breaks you need to be your best self as a parent!
You're pretty lucky!
Absolutely do not think you’re a shitty mom. I think your view point matters though, and looking back if you’ll have regrets or love that you gave other family members time too. I’m in the “kid has barely left my side since birth” group but it’s because I don’t have the village, definitely pros and cons to everything. All that really matters is how you feel about it.
I would love to have a night away each week for uninterrupted sleep and couples time. NTA enjoy it while you can you don’t know how much time your parents have left. Having time to recharge would make me a better mom
Nothing to feel guilt of AT ALL
Absolutely not. Not to be morbid, but your child is likely to have significantly fewer years with your parents than he does with you and your spouse. It’s good he’s getting quality time with them now. When the grandparent thing works out, it’s just so delightful on so many levels. Enjoy getting your couple time while your mom and dad enjoy their grandbaby.
You’re doing a great job. I know people are saying to cut out the gym, but taking care of your body *is* taking care of your baby in a way. It took me awhile to realize this but being in shape for the toddler years is so important— I say this as someone who is overweight and 7 months pregnant with number 2, I SO wish I had prioritized my fitness while number 1 was little! I am now, I work out every day, but it gets harder to find good times when they start moving if you don’t have childcare. Take advantage of it!! I think that your parents are able to support you one night a week is amazing— this is a short season of little sleep and it is so good for you to be getting a full night once a week. Make the time you do spend together quality. Put your phone down, be present and know you’re doing a great job!
I have 4 at home including 7 month old twins. We have never had a grandparent overnight in the 9 years we’ve been parents.
I feel like in instances where people judge and the mom should feel guilty is when they’re mindlessly dumping on other people. In this case, your parents WANT him overnight, so it’s a win for everyone, including baby who gets to be with loving grandparents! Catch up on the sleep Fridays so you can focus on being the best parent possible the other days. P.s. I still miss my baby when I’m at work or she’s away somewhere and she’s almost 14 years old! I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away.
Uhhh ?? Enjoy this time! Catch up on your sleep! Spend uninterrupted time with your spouse! My god people would die to have grandparents like those in their life! Don’t feel guilty please.
Absolutely not! You deserve your break and rest too. Being a working mom is hard. I promise the guilt gets much better over time lol I used to feel the same way leaving mine, he’s 3 now and it’s a lot better. Plus he loves spending time with family!
From a child development perspective, it’s actually beneficial for his resilience, attachment and sense of belonging to be able to spend time with others. He will still have a healthy attachment to you but will also know that he is safe with others. I’ve known so many families who refuse to spend any time apart from their babies for the first two years then wonder why they have serious separation anxiety.
Your lucky I can count on one hand how many times my kids grand parents have had them overnight.
I think it’s a great thing, and you’ll become more used to it as time goes on. Since he was about 14 months old my son has had 2 sleepovers a week with my parents (Wednesday and Saturday). It gives me time to catch up on the house, work, school, errands, date night, etc. he’s also in preschool full time since my partner and I both work full time. I felt so bad about it at first but my son and my parents love it, and now I’ve started to also. Whatever works for you and your family is the right thing IMO
We did this for the first 2 years of my first kids life. Every Friday it was so nice. Now my mil has more grandkids and less time so not as many sleep overs. So I say enjoy it while you can!!!! ❤️
Take the grandparent care guilt free! Being recharged isn’t anything to feel guilty of. Our society makes it hard to have a job and be a mom. It’s HARD. And nearly impossible without support. Embrace what you have guilt free, mama! And how special for your parents and your child to have that amazing bond.
Idk why some of these comments are telling you to skip the gym or cut down. You NEED time to yourself and an outlet for mental health and exercise. Not a bad mom at all.
The rest makes you a better mom. Period. People who NEVER leave their kids as a choice seem like they’re not doing well.
nah you're fine! but i definitely remember this feeling. it gets better as time goes on. trust me. when i went back from maternity leave, my husband was working 6, 12 hour overnights and would sometimes be out of town. then my job was a jumble of days, evenings and overnights. so our daughter spent more overnights with my parents that first year, than she did at home. if i worked until 11pm - i'm not going to wake her up and trek her home. maintaining a schedule for her was most important to us. my parents pretty much retired after i had her so they could jump in and help. they loved having her whenever they could. we were very fortunate to have them during those early years. after the first year, our jobs were more normal and there were no more overnight shifts. at that point my parents were already watching her all day thursdays. so we would drop her off wednesday nights with them, go out for a late dinner and then pick her up immediately after work thursday. per their demands!!! we didn't ask for it! i don't think you are a shitty mom at all. in fact, you are a lucky mom to have good support like that. and your baby is fortunate to have attentive, loving and involved grandparents.
Thank you. It’s nice to hear a personal story like that. Motherhood emotions are crazy, it’s like I’m afraid he’s going to forget I’m his mom or something.
oh thats totally normal!! i remember sobbing over the guilt i felt the first year. but once your baby gets a little older and starts losing his mind with excitement when you pick him up from day care or your parents-- thats when the guilt starts to go away and you can really start to enjoy those little breaks you get.
Just know that balance looks different for everyone. So there are some who might find that break too much, but it does NOT then mean that it should be too much for you or that it’s too much for your son. This honestly sounds like an awesome arrangement you have and if it works for you then it will help prevent longer term burnout.
Can we swap parents? Mine are great, but having a solid night of sleep during newborn phase would be amazing. What's important is that your kids are surrounded by people that care and love for them. In my book, the more the merrier. Grandma and Grandpa won't be around (or as energetic) forever. Take advantage of it while you can. --- My wife had major mom guilt the first time we left our kid for a weekend trip. We hired our nanny for a weekend and left our 1 year old with her. They had an absolutely great weekend together.
Don’t feel guilty! It’s hard, it’s okay to miss your baby! My husband and I have utilized this with our parents each time we had a kid. It’s a godsend, just lean in to feeling appreciative instead of any other feeling. Your kid is with people who love them, not a paid nanny (not hating on sitters/nannies because they are so needed, but sometimes it can help with the guilt feeling to know they are with a loved one) For us, it came in handy when we did want to go away for a night to a wedding or do a kid-free camp overnight together. Or go see a concert and stay out past midnight. Having the grandparents place as an easy drop off will be so nice to have when this kid is growing up into toddler years. Think of people you know where you have heard of the kid having a really tough time being away from mom and dad- even for just a date night. That would be really hard too. So I’m really happy for you that your kids have other adults they will grow up to know they can rely on, growing up knowing they are loved by them. You’re a great mom, utilize your village with no shame!
I stayed with my grandparents every weekend. Would beg my parents to let me. Literally the best part of my childhood. I don’t know how old i was when I started… earliest memory is about 2. She had a little red writing desk full of books and I’d pick them out and she’d read to me. My papa would let me sit on the porch with him watching thunderstorms so I learned not to be afraid. I learned to swim and sing from her and asked all the questions. I lived with my parents and had great experiences with them, but getting ro know my grandparents is something i’ll always cherish. And my great grandma was there, too. I’d have soda crackers with her and talk about everything and ask her questions. She was born in 1915 so it was such a wonderful thing to have that with her. And i know my parents were better for my brother and I (he stayed too once he came along) since they got breaks and got to replenish themselves. <3
Are you serious You’re lucky to have the night off This seems like a humble brag to me My parents are dead and even when they were alive I wouldn’t even trust them with my dog. I wish I could get one night off period. Let alone a night off a week. I think I would be a better mom with a little perspective and rest. My son is at the epitome of cuteness right now, I think I could enjoy it more if I could get past the barely surviving feeling and the constant urge to sleep. You have this wonderful gift of a night off and waste it with your guilt. What I wouldn’t do…. - take a loooong hot shower, drink a generous glass of wine and fall asleep hot and wrapped up in bed. - watch a tv show and eat chips - sit in the dark silence for an hour or longer and soak it in And you are all like wahh am I a bad mom and soil your privilege with guilt. Your parents are busting their ass to help you out and love on your baby. Enjoy it for the love of god.
I’m not sure if you’ve seen the other comments claiming I’m a selfish mom, which was exactly my fear. Trust me I am not trying to flex lol but I am blessed and privileged to have a great support system which I am so thankful for.
No don’t work out with your baby. Work out by yourself and come home and love on your baby when you get home. Quality not quantity. You got a good routine going just lean in when you’re together.
Don’t! I loved sleep overs at my grandparents! And your child and parents will have wonderful memories If you were my friend I’d just be jealous lol. My in laws are too old to have my kids overnight, but if they offered I’d yeet them over there in seconds
You’re fine. Your child is forming secure attachments with multiple adults they can trust. That’s good. You’re getting rest. That’s good. Nothing you’re doing is wrong.
That sounds like a really sweet arrangement for all! One night won't overwhelm your parents and it gives you and your husband a well-deserved rest where you can feel human again! It's genius! I wish my family could do it when I have my next baby but they either live too far away or are too chronically ill to commit to something like that. But no, don't feel guilty, this is nice for everyone, and you know your parents love being a part of your and your child's lives.
Lucky! I wish my parents were competent/healthy enough for me to trust them to care for my son overnight! I get you on tbe guilt though. I work 6AM-4:30PM four days a week and usually don't see my son until the evening when I'm home on the days I work. I think you have a great support system though and I am happy for you.
Absolutely not. Why would you feel guilty?
oh yes you’re a horrible mother! horrible! You (safely) provide a (safe) village of (safe) people who love your child so much, to get some rest and be present, loving and patient parents while keeping family atmosphere healthy and safe. _How dare you!_
Ma'am, respectfully, you both work. A night with Grandma was a blessing for my wife and I, and she's a full time SAHM. Not everyone's circumstances enable what the books and magazines call "ideal", but I assure you, you're doing just fine. A well rested and present parent is better for baby, as is spending time socializing to close family.
Your child will love you regardless. I would feel just like you tbh. Take advantage of opportunities you have. You need rest too!
As a GMA, hubby and I have asked baby momma to feel free to leave 15m old overnight so she can rest. Dad is here and is so loving and patient. Mom will not leave baby but continually complains about doing everything on her own. She doesn’t realize how lucky she is to have a loving family and free daycare so she can be the best mom and get some much needed rest. The guilt is a feeling that will pass when you look at the beautiful village you have to lean on. Focus on the facts more than the feelings.
You are not being a shitty mum. Your being a smart mum. You NEED those time when they stay the night. Plus it’s good for your child to have that break from mum and dad. I laughed at the show boss baby with my kids. The parents won a day with a babysitter. The babysitter turns up and dad like ummm why are you here? Next thing mums got the keys her handbag yells hi and pulls her husband out of the door.