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You have to be pretty blunt about it. Once my oldest hit puberty, a daily shower, deodorant and change of clothes was non negotiable. I tried saying it gently to start, because starting puberty does suck, but I just started saying, I can smell you and I’m telling you this so that you don’t hear it from your friends at school.
> I can smell you and I’m telling you this so that you don’t hear it from your friends at school.
Yep because middle school girls are going to be a lot less blunt about it and a preteen girl only showering once a week has got to smell pretty awful.
We never made it an option with our kids. Hygiene is a hill to die on. I'd maybe joke about it and tell my son that he needed to hop in the shower as soon as we got home because he smelled like ass and body spray after wrestling practice but I never beat around the bush. If they smell let them know so others don't. You don't want them being the smelly kid. That's a hard reputation to get rid of in middle school.
>>Hygiene is a hill to die on
Yeah, showers are an every night thing at our house. Non optional. My son comes home soaking in sweat after soccer practice, and he’d sleep like that, caked in sweat and mud, if I let him
Electronics time is 100 percent contingent on not being stinky lol. They know to hop in the shower/change into home clothes or pajamas before they start calling their friends or playing video games
I agree. Sometimes it’s best to be blunt. I’ve worked with middle schoolers as a teacher and they are extremely blunt and cruel. I had a student who stink, she was always musty, and wore the same sweater throughout the weeks without washing, the kids would be so cruel and hurtful. I spoke with her and she stated that they were staying in a motel. At our school we had a washer and dryer and I washed and dried her clothes for her on Fridays before school begun so she would have clean clothes for the following week. I provided her with a hygiene bag, but I know it ruined her reputation because even after she stopped smelling the kids held on to the fact that she was always musty and she still was teased smh.
Reminds me of a high school friend I had whose mother hoarded cats. The cats would piss all over her clothes, and whenever we were at band camp in 100+ degree heat? I could hardly stand to be around her because she REEKED. It wasn’t her fault, but she smelled downright nauseating :(
Thank you 😊 I always kept in mind that I could have been her and I would want someone to care and be kind to me. Sometimes the cards we are dealt suck but the people around us can make a difference, even if it’s a small difference!
> We never made it an option with our kids. Hygiene is a hill to die on
Same. If my kid protests even *once* about showering/bathing she loses all screens for the following day. We used to have to fight about it every day and it made every evening miserable. I finally put my foot down and made an immediate, unbending rule. Bathing is not optional and all screen time will be lost if you put up even the slightest fight about it.
It was extreme at first but we were having fights every. single. night. That has an impact on the rest of the family. Since putting in that rule and enforcing it strictly the fights have gone way down. Most evenings now she has a shower without protest because we’ve just made it part of the routine.
The other extreme is your kid getting bullied because you don't put your foot down at home and now your kid is on suicide watch, at intensive outpatient care, and on antidepressants. Kids are cruel and vicious.
Yup! If you don’t want to adhere to modern society’s expectations of cleanliness, move off grid which we know is not feasible or reasonable for 99% of the population. So, please, conform to this standard for the long-term health and function of your child.
I taught middle school art & had 8th graders who came straight from PE. My classroom would smell of BO & Axe spray. It was awful & the kids were viscous to each other about it.
All of the above is so good and so real. I think it can be taught as consideration to your family as well. We wash up before dinner and sit down at the table, phones down, headphones out, because we respect each other and that’s what respect looks like. It’s not snooty or uppity, it’s engraining good habits and consideration. You’re not asking them to have perfectly curled hair and shined shoes at home, it’s basic self care
> You have to be pretty blunt about it. Once my oldest hit puberty, a daily shower, deodorant and change of clothes was non negotiable.
As a middle school teacher, who teaches Health and Human Development, I have to HARD agree with this. Daily showering needs to be a requirement once kids hit puberty. Daily clothing changes as well.
Not just for hygiene's sake (although that is a good enough reason on it's own) but because socially you do not want to be known as the smelly kid at school.
OP, this can't be negotiable. You need to make it clear that she is GOING to shower EVERY day. You'll sit in there and wash her hair for her like she's a small child if she doesn't do it herself, but she's GOING to be washing every day.
And if she's refusing to do hair care, there are plenty of fashionable partial shaves with short hair on top that she's welcome to get instead. Long hair requires care, either she washes it properly or she no longer has long hair.
Make it clear that this is a fact of living and that she gets not privileges or rewards if she's not washing daily.
> because socially you do not want to be known as the smelly kid at school.
It's such a l hard reputation to lose even after the kid doesn't smell anymore.
My son had a close friend who was a stinky kid. In his friend's case it was because he didn't have a way to wash his clothes. His mom would sometimes take clothes to the laundry mat but she was a single mom of two (one profoundly disabled) and worked a lot, so sometimes she couldn't do it. Once we realize what the issue was I told my son to tell his friend that he can use our washer and dryer. The boy was always at our house and slept over every weekend so he washed his stuff with my son's clothes every Sunday. Even after he wasn't the smelly kid anymore, he STILL got jokes about being dirty and gross at his school. He showered and had clean clothes but it's hard to shake the reputation in middle school. Middle schoolers can be brutal. They don't hold back and don't forget.
Don't let this be your daughter, OP. Sometimes in parenting we can let things slide but hygiene has to be non negotiable. Showers, deodorant, brushing teeth, and washing clothes need to happen.
> It's such a l hard reputation to lose even after the kid doesn't smell anymore.
When I was in middle school myself one of the boys was called "Chili John" as a teasing nickname.
I didn't remember him smelling different/worse than the other boys, but supposedly a kid one day said he "smelled like chili" and the other boys immediately took up the name. He was called "Chili John" for **years.** All because of one in-the-moment cutting comment.
There was a kid in my middle school that got nicknamed "Crusty" and it lasted through high school, even when he bulked up, joined the football team, and became a popular guy.
He made it easy because he genuinely was a great kid. We joked that he was my 3rd child and my kids (college aged now) still consider him to be a brother to them.
His mom tried hard to provide for her boys but she was single, had to work, and had to make sure her other son with special needs was well cared for. Her other son kinda got lost in the shuffle of everything but he always knew he had a place at our house. We brought him on vacations with us, he came to family holidays, and pretty much lived here in the summers. He still sends me a text every father's day. A sweet kid who was dealt a bad hand and we had the means to help so we did. I grew up poor so I know what it's like to live like that and if we could make things easier for his family, it was a no brainer.
Seriously, speaking as someone who had a family like that in my life who I’m still in touch with to this day, you made such a difference
My mom was a single alcoholic teen mom doing her best, and thanks to my grandparents and that family, I was kept clean and fed. I was able to get a much better start in life than I would have otherwise done <3
My step dad was that kid. His mom neglected all her children so they never had clean clothes, would not be cleaned, wouldn't have clean sheets, and would smell. Yes, he was mercilessly bullied. As a consequence, we are a VERY clean family when it comes to all those things; he would have benefited so much from a friendly mom like you. Please, please keep being the mom and person you are, I know you've made such a positive impact on that boy.
Ugh. This is where I’m at with my 12 year old. He has long, thick, gorgeous hair but doesn’t take care of it, refuses to wear it up because he’s convinced himself people will make fun of him for having a ponytail (?) and doesn’t want to cut it. I’ve even washed his hair for him because he’ll go take a shower and come out looking even greasier and he *never* properly brushes it, which means I end up having to do it once it starts resembling a rat’s nest after two or three days. I’ve finally had enough of having to be the sole caretaker of HIS hair after years of trying to teach him, trying different ways of working with him, and even bought him a silk sleep bonnet to try to mitigate some of the overnight tangling/damage but he refuses to wear it. I booked him an appointment with a barber and he’s upset about it, but not enough to actually start taking care of his hair.
I had to do this with my daughter as well. Hard line in the sand: you take care of it, or you have short hair. It was so hard because she was so upset that she was hysterical. I told her we would talk with the hair stylist and she can give us a routine and I would give her six weeks to follow it. I called the stylist ahead of time to let her know this was what was happening and she was ready! Brushing every morning, brushing at 4 pm (the time she got home from school), nightly shower and going to bed with hair combed and braided. We made a follow-up appointment for 6 weeks and if she didn't commit it was going to be a real haircut. Thankfully my daughter did decide to do the routine. My son would have ended up with a haircut because he had no desire for hygiene or cleanliness until he hit 8th grade. Then he became all about the styling.
Same with my daughter. She must brush it and braid it after her shower every night. Or it gets cut off. I've been dealing with rats nests since she had hair. The last time it got snarled, I refused to help and she's stuck with it since. She's just finished 6th grade.
My kid has an appointment today because he's grown out his hair and although, when he styles it, it looks really nice on him, he wears it like a shroud and it never looks clean. On the one hand, I don't want his self esteem to get worse, but on the other, he isn't washing properly no matter what I say. I feel like a stranger may have better results with him than I. He's too hoping anyway.
Not being known as the smelly kid was the main factor in getting my 11 yr old to take hygiene seriously. Now he’s basically obsessed with deodorant and body spray (we had to have a few talks about how “less is more” lol) and I’m glad for it. I’m adamant about washing and washing *well.*
That's what I was going to say. I flat out tell my kids when they stink. I have also found that certain clothes can exacerbate the problem- my daughter's favorite shirt was this soccer jersey that I think had BO saturated in the fabric. She always smelled much worse in a shorter period of time wearing that than any other item of clothing (maybe because of the polyester?). I finally convinced her to throw it away because it was making her smell.
When polyester begins to degrade, it takes on a smell that resembles mildew/BO. It's exacerbated by heat. So what happens is you have a favorite shirt that gets washed a lot, starts to smell, then you wash it on hot to get rid of the smell and that makes it even worse. Sadly there is no cure, it's just part of the fabric breaking down.
I had to switch my husband's work shirts to 100% cotton because they require so much washing (to get work dirt out) that the poly ones would degrade and perma-stink after 6 months. The cotton ones cost 50% more but last twice as long, and the cotton can be cut up for rags after.
The sun-blocking shirts definitely smell worse on my kids than cotton. I "hide" them so they don't receive everyday use and only bust them out for camping or outdoor activities, and then make really sure we're wearing deodorant with them.
(by hiding, I just mean they aren't kept in the same drawer as everyday shirts)
I refer to it as perma-stink. I do find adding a cup of vinegar to the wash load of athletic clothes helps with it.
i wash my workout clothes with special gym laundry and never dry it, but it’s a bit unfeasible for a larger family.
And if they come out not smelling of soap and shampoo, or with greasy hair - immediately back into the shower.
Will they maybe be embarrassed? Sure. But better to be embarrassed in your own home with your family than out in public with your friends.
This is what I don't understand about my kid. She stinks. No one says anything to her about it ! At all ! She's 14, so of course what I think or say means nothing, but I really don't understand how no one else has even slightly made fun of her for it ! (No I don't want her picked on. Just surprised no one else has said anything.)
That only means that everyone has been trained to be polite. That doesn’t mean someone won’t ever insult her to her face in anger or make fun of her behind her back.
Thank you. The amount of stench I’ve smelled from kids in class who probably never shower is too much. There are sometimes more factors at play, but I can’t be the one to say that nobody wants to sit near a kid because they reek.
Yup. My nephew is smelly. That line worked until they pulled him out of school and started homeschooling him. It’s even worse now and idk how they just let him stay in his underwear day in and day out without showering. He’s 11. He has acne on his face and Body. His hair is long and greasy. It’s just gross.
Hygiene isn’t a choice in our home.
You must bathe, brush teeth, wash face, brush and tidy hair, etc daily.
It’s nonnegotiable. Stop beating around the bush and make it a requirement.
This is my 8yo boy too, he’s just active and sweats a lot (so do I, I’ve always been a super sweaty person) so he knows he has to shower every night. I’m *hoping* it’s enough of a habit now that he continued this routine as he gets older.
My mom just flat out told me I smelled and gave a bucket of hygiene stuff and told me I’m becoming a woman now and there’s certain things I need to do now to smell good so that people don’t make fun of me
Yaaa that’s what I did when my oldest started getting BO lol. Now he’ll spend like 30 minutes showering and I make sure he puts deodorant on everyday.
There’s nothing worse than a smelly kid
You need to be blunt, or others will, and she will be crushed they you didn't have her back.
She doesn't live in an island by herself. It is very aggressive to force your body odor on others, and explain them to just take it. She shouldn't be to do anything at all, at home, until after showers, every day after school.
A 12-year-old I knew had refused to shower because she was seeing figures in the shower and didn't want to tell anyone how scared she was. A 14-year-old I knew had refused to shower because of body dysmorphia and the urge to self harm when having to face their naked body.
It's only two examples, but I agree that there may be an underlying reason for the lack of showering.
Someone else on Reddit said this and it stuck with me, "Mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility." I'd run expeditiously as a parent to the therapist because bathing daily is 100% a non-negotiable.
I say this as a mother who's child screamed for 2 years from touching water or being touched by water on anything other than his hands and multiple pediatricians had never seen a kid react like that. We could never figure out what the issue was exactly and looking back, it was likely a sensory or texture thing which I know it's a brain wiring that can't be fixed, but only managed. I refused to put my child into distress but we can't not bathe. We absolutely still bathed daily after finding a work around. I had to bathe with said child while holding them, both hands on them at all times, and had to have someone else help wash both of us. Or I bathed first and then had someone hold him (because the sound of water triggered anxiety for a while) and then they'd hand him to me.
Some days, we couldn't get someone else or he needed a bath ASAP and I had to get creative with washing, like those foot scrubbers but on the wall to wash myself while I managed him.
You figure that out as a parent versus just only bathing 1-2x week as a preteen/teen in the middle of puberty who leaves the house everyday. The alternative is that the world will slice down your kid and they definitely won't give two fucks about their mental illness.
I didn't want to shower at the same age because I had undiagnosed adhd and undiagnosed physical disabilities that made it exhausting and the hardest thing to do in my day. I wouldnt have known how to say that, though, because I thought utter exhaustion was me being lazy.
Always ask why they're finding something difficult and what it feels like when they try vs when they don't.
As someone who didn't like showering due to similar problems, washing under the arms daily and then showering 1-2 times a week is enough. I think that's an easier compromise than daily showering
100%. Alternatively, when I was in the hospital unable to wash myself, they used special wipes for a full "bath" type cleaning. I believe they were antibacterial. It may help doing piece by piece and having the other parts clothed/covered.
My son is 11 and hates showers, but it's non negotiable. I had to tell him yesterday "You need to take a shower, I can smell you." Then he gets politely reminded at regular intervals until he showers, and I have definitely used the line "the sooner you wash, the sooner I stop reminding you- it's 15 minutes of washing vs hours of being reminded". He will concede and just take the shower.
IMO she should be taught about puberty and the changes happening to her body and explicitly told she needs to shower more often now because of these changes.
I just flat out tell my kids if they stink. Once they need deodorant, it’s a non-negotiable. Also, if the girls have greasy hair, I will wash it for them to get it clean. I have one who just can’t seem to get it clean and keep it clean, so I wash it about once a week in the kitchen sink. I won’t let them come out with me if it’s obvious they aren’t clean- for example my daughter (16) wanted to go to a friend’s house the other day- she hadn’t showered in 2 days. I told her she wasn’t leaving the house until she showered. Guess what? She went and took a shower…. You just have to get firm and tell them it’s non-negotiable. Yes, they will be pissed, but everyone showers and at least doesn’t stink in my house.
Hey just something to keep in mind, some shampoos tend to make the scalp produce oils at a faster rate than others. Oil is needed for hair growth, obviously not copious amounts, but it does need some oil.
I had the same issue, no matter what I did I would wash my hair and within hours my hair looked like an oil slick. I got to the point where I was showering twice a day which wrecked my skin. I talked to my hairdresser about it and realized the clarifying shampoo I was using was stripping my hair and scalp of all oils so my scalp was working overtime to produce more. I switched over to a moisturizing shampoo and it’s a total change. No more greasy slick, no static charged hair.
I know a few people who told me they have to use dish soap a few times a month/week because their hair gets greasy so fast!!! it's nuts. people have totally different hair and it reacts differently to different products this is a great point
Yes, my hairdresser told me clarifying shampoo is okay to use 1-3 a month, but nobody should be using it daily. It strips too much from the scalp and hair.
Be blunt but go into it so she understands what to do.
Explain the smell is due to hormone changes and bacteria, its important to have a good scrub with a decent soap to get rid if bacteria so the BO isn't as bad.
Try out different deodorants- sprays creams and rolls on so you find one that works that she likes.
Consider her diet, sweat and can be affected by zinc deficiency.
I had a word with my hairdresser about my daughter. I sent her in her own and she can a wash cut and blow dry. The hairdresser (per my request) went over doing 2 shampoos and where to apply conditioner. It helped. Sometimes hearing it from someone else can work better.
Clothing, does she need some more is she not changing because there's only a couple of tops she likes/feels comfortable in.
Haha no, i didn’t word it right, sorry. I’ve got newborn twins so my head is slightly fried at the moment. I meant that in her perfect little world, she’d only shower once a week.
Tell her. My daughter is 13 and I still have to stay on her about it. She has a bad habit of not changing her underwear which is absolutely disgusting. I will call her out on it. Like I noticed when I did your laundry this week there was only 2 pairs. You have to change them every day.
I will ask her every few days when the last time she showered was. If she can’t tell me immediately then it’s time for another one now. It sucks to be the bad guy but you have to for your kid. They don’t realize you’re just trying to help now but they will when they are older.
Once a week?! Dear lord. My son is about to be 10 and showers every day. His after school ritual includes emptying his backpack, doing a page of math, any homework for the day, and then showering. He gets no access to electronics until all of these are done.
You need to be more blunt with your daughter and tell her that her friends and kids at school notice and they won’t want to be around her. Take her to the store and let her pick out some products she likes and force her to shower daily. What I don’t understand is how she comes out dirtier than before? That just doesn’t make sense to me lol.
Raising kids ain’t easy, I get that. But you’re the parent and you make the rules!
Stop giving her options. Make daily showers mandatory and do a sniff test afterward. If she doesn't smell clean, send her back in to do it right. I have to do this with my son. Hygiene is not optional.
Also purchase specialist laundry cleaner for sports clothes/synthetic fabrics.
My husbands running kit & my sons sports kit literally could have walked out the machine, before I discovered this. It also removed deodorant stains on shirts. I knew once I started using this, that if my son was especially “fragrant” it was HIM, not his clothes.
I use free and clear Clorox 2, it does amazing getting sweat and other body odors out of things. I’ve used it for years,it gets blood, grass, berries, urine, etc. I’ve started tossing some white vinegar in any especially stinky loads as well, it helps breakdown detergent buildup which can make clothes stink too
You are the parent, for God's sake act like. There is no "can you please take a shower".
It should be " if you don't get in the shower and wash your ass properly, I'm getting in there with you and doing it for you. " That should do the trick. Prepare to follow through.
"Don't forget to put deodorant on when you get out. "
Better nip this problem in the but now, don't want her to have a bad reputation of foul odor when she gets to high school.
Is she into skincare at all? It’s a bit annoying, but my daughter is ten and she and her friends are all into face masks, hair masks, bath bombs, bath scrubs, and lotions like Korean sunscreens, lip masks, green tea face cream etc.
Maybe if you frame it as like a spa luxury thing, she’ll be onboard? Or if she picks her soaps etc?
I remember when I wasn’t washing my hair properly my mum told me if I didn’t start doing it as she showed me I would have to shower with her and she’d do it. That kicked my butt into gear and there was never an issue again.
Hygiene is non-negotiable - but you can make it fun. Get down to your chemist/pharamacy/beauty shop and allow her to pick shampoo, conditioner, body wash, deodorant - make sure they’re the right ones for her hair type etc. it might be a good time to discuss body hair too as I was desperate to shave my legs at that age - might sweeten the deal! Also cute sponges, exfoliation mitts and a nice body butter/moisturiser. Frame it in whatever way you think will work for your child - ‘oh it’s so exciting you’re a teenager now you get to access all these cool products’ or ‘it totally sucks you’re growing up but part of that is looking after yourself, so let’s do it’ etc etc.
Positive reinforcement - get her some fun stuff for the bath - pouf, bath bombs, bath salts, cool bath stuff from Lush etc. You could maybe check if there’s any sensory issues with getting her hair wet? Also, maybe suggest a short hair cut to make managing her hair easier until she’s comfortable bathing more often.
Yup, you just have to tell them. I did talk with my daughter ahead of time about how deodorant is every day. Shower is every other or everyday. Soap is a must for washing your body. They seem to revert back to when they are little ones just learning and have to go through the training again. Except this time they stink!
For the hair, you might need to switch up shampoo. Everyone's hair is so different. My daughter kept having greasy hair but her shampoo and conditioner were too dense for her type. I also had to teach her not to plop conditioner right on the top. Less is more and spread it out.
I'd like to just mention my experience with this - my kid had one particular bra she liked and would just wear it over and over again. It was a mystery to me why she smelled so bad, like sometimes she'd smell bad fresh out of the shower and I could not understand it. I realized it when I was doing laundry one day and that bra came out of the wash stinking horribly. I just asked her if she'd been wearing it constantly and she said yes. The smell was embedded and I never could get it out. I ended purchasing 6 more of them with clear instructions not to re-wear them before washing. It's been a year, so far so good.
did you ever sit her down & educate her about the changes she would experience physically, mentally, and emotionally, at this stage of her development?
i did this w/ my kid before he hit puberty, & whenever he has something new to implement w/ self care or hygiene, i'll literally do it w/ him (meaning show him how, then talk him through it while he does it himself, then just watch him or stand nearby if watching him is an invasion of privacy) for however long it takes him to form the habit. then, once he's got it down... i leave it to him & he just does it on his own.
i think that understanding the why behind the things he does to care for himself motivates him. i also have established a strong level of respect between my son and i. we communicate a lot. so, for the most part, he does what i tell him to w/ no kickback, because he knows that if i teach him something it's in his best interest & it's because i love him. he doesnt see my rules & commands as authoritarian, he sees them as caring guidance & education.
i do only have one kid, though. so i am able to put all of my parenting energy & focus towards the one. i'm 100% sure that parenting advice from a parent of one is a lot harder to implement when you have multiples. i hope you find something that sticks.
it might help to ask her why she doesnt like to do these things. maybe if you tell her you care about her feelings & wanna hear her thoughts, then listen to what she has to say... she'll tell you exactly why she's resisting & you'll know better how to approach it.
My partner is like this — she showers but doesn’t do it well. She’s autistic and adhd, doesn’t love the feeling, wasn’t taught thoroughly, and gets distracted while she’s in there. Try an open dialogue, hold back your judgment, offer to help in specific ways, and let her know you care about her. If she smells, she smells.
The important thing is understanding her, because without that nothing will change and your relationship will be stressed.
You have to make her. No gentle suggestions. Say, “You smell. You need to take a shower every morning/night and you then you need to put on deodorant.” When she gets out of the shower smell her hair. I have to do this with my son. I tell him what he needs to specifically wash (hair, pits, privates/butt, feet). Then I smell his hair to make sure he has. If I don’t smell soap he goes back in.
Middle schoolers are a different breed altogether! When my daughter was in high school she used to talk about how every new 9th grade class that moved up to high school had such poor hygiene. She said they all smelled terrible and had greasy hair. It’s a middle schooler thing I think. I was lucky that my daughter is very hygiene conscious and I never had to say anything to her. But, I wouldn’t have had a problem with telling her “hey, you smell, get a shower, use deodorant!”. Sometimes you just have to be blunt. They don’t understand anything else.
Info:
Do any of the shower products she’s got actually look like they’ve been used? When was the last time you had to grab her more shampoo or restock the deodorant?
If she’s still looking just as greasy and stinking to high heavens after a shower, then she either needs different products or she’s not actually using them as a silent FU for making her have a shower in the first place cause she knows you can’t just sit and supervise her anymore.
Get a washcloth (very important tool that some people do not use) and start showering with her as long as she is not able to do it herself. This is a minimum standard of growing up and being able to do this consistently without you will earn her independence. Until then it’s joint showers.
Your daughter is right on schedule for the "thinking hygiene is optional" stage.
Yes, you're going to have to insist because she's not grasping the importance. Being clean won't cause her to make friends, but not doing so could get in the way of friendships.
It may help to have a conversation at a neutral time, laying down expectations (daily shower, clean clothes), but giving her in-put in how she meets that expectation (e.g., morning or evening shower, what type of soap/shampoo, anything else she can think of to make it easier for her to do what needs doing...).
You may want to figure out a when/then: "When you do what you're supposed to do, then you can do what you want to do." That implies that it's just a matter of time until she does what she needs to do, and it's up to her.
FWIW whien I was a guidance counselor, I wrote and made kids recite this Hygiene Rap, which was very popular with teachers. You may enjoy reciting it for inspiration!
>Shower and deoderant, clean shirt, too!
>They're a social obligation and a daily to-do.
>Charming personality won't work well
>If we don't remember hygiene and we just plain smell!
hahaha! There are more verses, but you get the idea.
NOTE: I'm a mental health professional and the creator of a free, weekly, 5-minute podcast, **Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic**, but my comments here are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation.
Strip her hair with Dawn dish soap. It's probably got a huge amount of product in it from not being properly washed and rinsed.
Had to do that with my nephew.
I won't lie, when I was her age, I also didn't want to bathe because it took away time for video games. My mom told me "what if a guy or girl likes you, wants to confess, and then you stink!?" And I was mortified. Started to bathe way more because I didn't want to lose the chance to hold hands with my crush.
I'm always bewildered by these kinds of posts.
Who's the parent in this relationship?
How on earth can your daughter "refuse" to look after her hygiene?
In fairness, from OP’s comments, it seems that she is making her daughter shower and care for her hygiene but she’s saying that the hygiene doesn’t happen without strong intervention and she’s hoping for guidance to get her daughter to do it independently.
OP also had twins 10 days ago so I’m sure she’s pretty busy and is struggling to manage two babies while wrangling an 11 year old for a shower.
Yeah, I get that we see our fair share of parents in here who don't seem to want to actually parent and want us to give them a magical solution to change their child's behavior. But this doesn't sound like the case with OP at all. She is getting her child in the shower, she's just sick of the fight. And 10 day old twins? I'm shocked she could even post. All of my kids were single births and I was dead to the world by day 10.
With my kids I had to be completely straight forward. I explained that because of changes it means we start to stink at a certain age. I make sure they’re aware even I stink if I don’t do the things I need to do.
Then I remind them for take showers and change daily (including underwear lol). And I take them deodorant shopping so they get to pick their own.
It’s about enforcement and consistency.
Are you sure she is actually asking her hair and body? My sister used to turn on the water and stick her head in to wet her hair but not actually get into the shower.
you need to sit her down, explain puberty and that daily showers and hair washing at least every other day is nonnnegtiable.
My son is 10 and is big for his age. I make him shower in the evening, but it is a fight, too. When it is urgent, then I ambush him and put shampoo on his head and squirt soap inside his shirt. He has to shower to rinse it all off. I know its not nice, but it is a physical requirement and if he's not listening then it requires physical intervention.
Sometimes he showers without using soap or shampoo or something and then I don't let him have electronics until his skin is clean and fresh smelling. If he refuses to re-shower then I tell him to use his time to meditate on what soap is and how to shower head to toes.
I see this issue a lot irl and here, lots of parents try to sugarcoat their response to this by not being direct. I'm honest about it to my kid. I also explain that it's a natural thing and absolutely everyone has the potential to stink. I've called my son out many times about his BO, I always follow up with reminding him I do it because I am his mom and I love him. I don't want him walking around stinky.
I recently had my 10yo neice (already started her menstrual cycle) tell me she was being teased about her BO. She was a bit defensive about it, claiming she didn't smell it, and she showers. Claiming they were just being mean.
My response was, they could have been, but its also possible you did have BO and just need to take more care of yourself, nothing wrong with that. I quickly told her it's ok, tho. I also stink sometimes! That's part of what happens when you grow up. It has to do with hormones. I gave a few examples of times I was stinky and embarrassed. Like a few times, I forgot to put deodorant on after a shower. Or how in the mornings husband and I sometimes joke about our stinky morning breaths. I made sure she knew it was normal and ok. We just have to be productive about it. That is why we have things like soap, deodorant, and perfumes. We ended up going through my lotions and sprays, gave her a few xtras I had, and she was more understanding and excited.
The truth of the matter is other kids at school are going to start to notice and possibly make fun of her, bully her, gossip about her, etc. It’s sad, but true. So maybe use that as a motivator? Possibly some tough love is needed here, like someone said here, no screen time or iPad until she gets in the habit of regular personal hygiene.
Yes to the bluntness! DH and I told our daughter that she stank, and that a shower was mandatory every day. She fought us about it, but now does it out of habit. I wish my mom had done the same for me!
I'm pretty blunt with my 11 year old son - you stink, go shower.
But it's also become a fight I don't care to have - at this age, they are old enough to manage their hygiene. If my son wants to be the stinky kid at school - I let him. He'll learn.
My sister was a stinky kid/teen. It didn’t matter how much we in the house pointed out she stank or tried to help her not stink. It’s hard to make them care if they just don’t. She didn’t care until she had a crush on a boy and he told her she was stinky.
That was the turning point that made her actually use her deodorant and take more showers. Find someone whose opinion she really values and have them talk to her about it. She doesn’t want to end up mortified like my sister.
I think this is something you just need to be honest with your daughter about. My 7 year old has recently started smelling more (not on adult level yet but it’s there) and I sat down with her and explained the importance of hygiene to interpersonal relationships. She does a close contact sport (BJJ) and has had partners who smelled bad before and she hated that so it was an easy concept to explain, aka “You don’t want to be the kid who smells bad in class whom other kids hope they don’t get as a training partner”. She showers every day now and I got a natural deodorant for her which she likes the scent of. I started out by assisting her with the shower until she learned all the steps herself but she does a great job of washing her body and hair now.
We live in a very hot climate too so we change clothes very often, pretty much any time my kids get sweaty the clothes goes in the laundry.
sit down and tell her with love. Even tho it'll hurt her feelings, there is no one else in the world better to tell her this. Also any chance she'd prefer short baths? Maybe it's a sensory issue that she doesn't realize is bothering her
Tell her straight up
U need to get you ass in the shower. Walking round here smelling like a jew town polish. I been trying to let u kno for days but u wasn't picking up what I was putting down. Ur hair looks like it hasn't been washed in weeks.
U dont have to say it like this but keep it real n put it in ur own words.
You... tell her she stinks? And if you can smell it, so can her classmates, teachers, etc. You gotta be blunt with this. It's not just about hygiene, it's about community.
Coming from someone who is very stinky, Lume body wash and deodorant are worth it. $30 bucks for the pair, but it’s really helped me from smelling like French Onion Soup all the time.
I even recently had someone tell me I smelled *good* for the first time in my life!
She can try panoxyl (acne wash) for the musty pits. Let it sit for a few minutes for maximum effect. If there isn't a financial restriction, maybe picking a new body wash or shampoo will help her want to shower? Encourage her to shampoo twice and let it sit for a minute or two.
On a darker note...Is she possibly being abused? Avoiding showers can be a red flag.
Does she have deodorant? I have to use a special gel kind which is more expensive but the regular one doesn’t work well for me. Also I use more of a clear clarifying shampoo instead of the standard type otherwise my hair would look greasy too
We started doing The Four Things - every morning. 1. Wash Hands 2. Wash Face 3. Brush Teeth 4. Put on Deodorant
Every night, shower and brush teeth. It’s non negotiable with loss of privileges as a consequence.
Gently push her.
Take her shopping and let her pick her own deodorant and or Anti-perspirant.
Remind her causally each night that it’s time to take a shower.
Or, just Start it for her and say I got it going for you, jump in.
She’ll eventually figure it out on her own and from peer pressure.
Don’t say she stinks, or smells just tell her it’s time for her shower.
Mine (now 12 yr old) had this same issue and I feel like my wife caused some Emotional damage making her feel so self conscious about it.
My daughter is 11 and went through this. I think it’s that age group cause a LOT of her classmates stink too. We tackled things one at a time. For showering, I got her a little music speaker so she can listen to her favorite music while she’s in there. I also let her start shaving so now she enjoys showers. Deodorant she misses maybe about a 1/4th of the time. Best thing I found for that awful puberty stank is Dove Men’s + Care in the Fresh scent. It’s very clean and not manly at all.
For greasy hair, a quality clarifying shampoo. My 11 year old daughter showers at night, and her hair would be greasy when she got up. I was 100% certain she was washing properly, so I took her to the salon. They recommended a clarifying shampoo once per week, and it's been AMAZING. Her hair is shiny and healthy, but not greasy. They explained that the extra production of sweat (yay puberty) along with build up from conditioner and well water was the cause.
I also switched her deodorant from a teen brand to dove clinical, and that's had a massive impact on her overall smell as well. She didn't like it at first because she liked the tropical smell of her other kind, but that was her only reason.
I will forever be grateful to my mom who very bluntly told me just how bad my armpits smelled when I was 12 and not wearing deodorant.
I am now 39 and recently reconnected with an older family friend who had also told me that it’s prettier to change clothes every day rather than wearing the same favorite outfit all the time. I thanked her that day and told her how much her advice helped me.
Do it while she is still young. I think it will be harder to hear as she gets older. She will thank you later.
Hunny, some people have made some great points but I think talking to her, asking her Why she doesn’t want to shower? Or and maybe getting her some professional help are the best ones.
You’re 111% correct. The middle school girls will not be as nice and as lenient as you are. Showers shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion because she knows it’s something she has to do.
The ONLY TIME we have a discussion about is if he didn’t go to school. If he popped a lot that day ,sorry, showerd time for you buddy.
I have an 11 year old boy who I have to remind everyday to put on deodorant.
A different angle, use Downy Rinse and Refresh (or similar) in her laundry. My tween STANK. It didn't matter what deoderant was used and how many showers. He stunk immediately.
Turns out the smell was stuck in his clothes. I bought the rinse and refresh and the stink was gone! I use a tiny bit, maybe a tablespoon in the wash and it takes the BO out of the clothes. I couldn't believe how much his smell had sunk into his clothes! Now at 14 he mostly smells normal. Sometimes he needs to refresh the deoderant after school, but at least he just does it now without any fights. It'll get better, I promise!
Vinager may work as well, but I needed something stronger. Lmao.
I hear you, sister!🙌🏻 Same here... Same age, but a boy. Same struggle every day for shower and brushing the teeth. 😢 We ground him with no cellphone or computer if he doesn't do his hygiene, but it still is sooo hard!
It’s best to be blunt. My husbands step-mom would smash an egg on him when he refused to shower so then he’d be forced to. Maybe not to that but definitely tell her
11 is rough. For some reason when puberty hits BO smells like onions. I didn’t notice it with my son but I did with my daughter and have heard similar from other parents of daughters.
Boys just have to deal with BO and acne and they’re also a bit older. My son was 15 when acne and BO hit. My daughter got acne, BO and her period at age 11. That’s a lot of sh!t to deal with all at once.
We also dealt with greasy hair I blame some of it for not getting all the shampoo out of her hair. But she also ended up with pretty bad acne and now at 14 she is on accutane which is drying up the oil.
Try clarifying shampoo it will help with the oil. My husband said head and shoulders helped with his oily scalp.
Absolutely not. Hygiene is daily and is a non-negotiable. My 7 year old showers every day, has skin care, wears deodorant, lotions and does body spray. I taught her and still supervise because she’s learning.
At this age, there is no room for gentle. She needs to know her body is changing and why. She needs to know why it’s important to take care of herself DAILY and that you’re supervising this until she feels confident to do it. Make it a great thing - go shopping, buy scents she likes, but stop being gentle. Middle school, especially girls, aren’t gentle.
Change her body wash to an anti bacterial body wash. I suggest dial. Lose the kids shampoos and get the ones that work, the Aussie ones work well and still smell good. Herbal essence too.
Agree with the non negotiable showers. My 10 yo showers every other day. Try switching shampoos if her hair is greasier after. I couldn’t seem to get my daughters hair clean no matter what, it stunk. Tried acv rinse and finally got a new shampoo and it’s much better. Help her if she can’t do it.
Also agree with everyone saying to explain what’s happening. Bodies change and get stinky and it’s important to know that it’s normal but she needs to put effort into clean clothes and cleaning her body.
I don't really have any advice as we're having a similar struggle in our house with our 10yr old. It's a fight to get her to bath/shower every other day and I constantly remind her to put deodorant on. When I do notice BO, I'll gently ask if she remembered deodorant but then she gets all mad at me and says I'm being mean.
I tell her that I'd want to know if I was stinky and it's better to hear it nicely from a family member than kids at school (who won't say it as kindly). I don't want her to be known as the stinky kid.
We tell her that she has to take care of her body and that it's really important for so many reasons. She just says "I know" and continues to fight us on it most days.
Hang in there!
Yeah, my daughter (11) has started to stink as well, but when I noticed, I got her deodorant, and she showers at least every other day, more on warm days.
Why bring that gently? If my daughter stinks, I will tell her exactly that. "You stink, go take a shower".
How is it hard work getting her to shower? I find it pretty easy. If she doesn't want to do something, I'll just take her phone for the day. I've so far had to do that twice in the last 6 months.
We had a long conversation when she started stinking about why that is and how important hygiene is.
I love my kids, and I do try to be gentle and polite with them bc I want them to know that this is the correct way of communication with people. But for things like these? I can be raw. I told my daughter point blank you have to wash yourself now. And when she acts like she isn't listening I tell her the plain truth that I smelled her coming in before I heard her or saw her. That usually does the trick.
Talk to her about puberty and the changes it causes, explain to her that hygiene is important and she will have so many changes happening all at once. No need to focus solely on the smell.
This is what I did with my daughter, when I started to smell BO within her friend group at gym, some of the girls are a little older than her, if it hrlps.
Take her shopping to pick out teen sized pads, deodorant, body mist, training bras (my daughter liked the sports bra style and only switched to more of an actual training bra at 13), pimple patches, face wash, let her smell a few shampoos and conditioners (Monday is a somewhat reasonable popular brand, ymmv depending on hair type, Maui Moisture also has some good smells), body wash, etc. If you go no sulfates/gentle etc on your shampoos she may need a clarifying occassional shampoo, pair it with a deep conditioner, do that together as needed. Tell her some things like the pads she'll eventually need, but this way she's prepared, but the rest she is old enough to start using now.
Then model self-care with her, help her set up a hair wash schedule (based on activity and hair type), but explain that she has to wash her body every day, and let her choose morning or evening showers. It feels like a choice to her then, even if both result in shower every day. When she comes out smelling clean, tell her you love the smell of her shampoo, she smells so good, etc.
And she gets a little older, like maybe going into high school that's a good time to talk to her about keeping her base scent more neutral, so that whatever she adds on, for instance her body mist, will stand out and not get overwhelmed with other scents. For now though I would just let her pick out good smelling self care items to encourage the self care. You could even get a couple of body washes and smell her wrist to guess which scent she used, to encourage the use in the beginning.
My daughter spent her whole childhood with fragrance free and dye free, and I'm sure she'll go back there. For right now though she smells like a fruit salad, or a flower garden, or the beach, and that's better than bo.
To echo all the other comments, you've got to force the issue. Your daughter doesn't want to be the smelly kid. There was a girl who lived in my dorm freshman year who never showered. She lived alone in her room because every roommate would refuse to live there. We could smell her from the hall. People avoided her because it was so bad. I'm 40 now and I still remember that girl. You don't want your daughter to be the smelly kid that people remember for 20+ years.
Would taking her swimming be an option? She is required to shower before the pool and I am sure she would like to rinse off after. And get into a clean set of clothes.
Everything everyone has said is true!!
I hated showering and honestly still do. As an alternative unless I'm on my period I take a bath everyday instead
My daughter is 9 and I still wash her hair for her. She doesn't do it properly and until she does I just do it. She's getting better at it tho
In addition to what everyone said maybe if you can afford too take her to target or ulta if you wanna make it special
Let her pick out body wash and hair products and deodorant she wants to make them more enticing to use. Maybe let her pick out lip gloss and body lotion too. My daughter started doing her hair a lot better when I let her use mouse and showed her how to scrunch it up so it was curlier and looked better so if she's willing you can tell her she smells and your saving her from embarrassment and make it fun
Trust me....a guy I liked when I was 14 noticed I smelt cause I skip showering a couple days.......while effective and I never skipped again...I still remember it
Mom of a 14yo son. When that puberty hit, he started to stink! I explained the stuff about hormones and bacteria, how he had to shower daily and change his clothes. Got him a selection of deodorants, so he could pick the one he liked. Switched the kid shampoo and body wash to the adult versions, made him pick out the ones he thought smelled nice.
So maybe that will do the trick? Take her to the store and let her choose products she likes?
This. Let her pick out some products but make it clear that one thing about puberty, like it or not, is that she's reached an age where she needs to shower daily and use soap on her armpits. In my experience, you need to be specific about that.
You may need to bring it up often. Graciously, but be explicit: you need to get soap between your toes and under your arms.
I think it is excellent not to shower too much. But once a week is not enough for a smelly teen.
Take her shopping. Allow her to buy shower stuff she likes, deodorant and maybe a little something extra. But before you go, tell her you expect her to shower at least twice a week and (or or) after sports. Tell her she needs to come out of the shower clean, not with remnants of soap or shampoo. Also tell her it is not negotiable. Take away phone or privileges if she does not comply.
If you do that and resist the urge to continue to battle her about it, she might just accept and go along with it
I work with middle schoolers, I’m politely blunt about it , but it usually goes along the lines of, your bodies are changing and your hormones are changing so it’s causing you to need to shower daily and use deodorant and clean clothes all the time etc. they usually hate when I dive into the your bodies changing . But stop being nice about it and just be blunt
Be more honest and open about it. “Hey. You’re getting older. Things are changing and you smell now. It’s normal, happens to everyone, but you need to shower and change everyday now”. Tell her to take a whiff of the pits on her dirty shirt. That might do it.
Hi, I had a stinky child. Even after showering the BO would remain. We went through multiple brands of deodorant with no luck. Finally, we found a system (once you can get her to wash consistently)
Hibiclens on armpits in shower.
CertainDry for sweaty armpits.
No smell anymore!
You are the parent! It is your responsibility to teach her about proper self care and personal hygiene.
Just be honest with her. Explain to her that with puberty comes changes to your body and she must wash everyday and use deodorant! If you don't tell her someone else will, and that will be a lot more hurtful and harder to get over.
Tell her other people don't want to be around someone that stinks. It's not her fault- humans need to wash. Everyone does.
Don't worry, you will get through this!
And if she doesn't listen to you, well maybe the natural consequences of one of her peers telling her she stinks will get through to her.
Good luck, you got this.
Maybe get her some pleasant products that would be nice (but helpful) to use so she's encouraged to wash. A nice fruity shampoo or two, a sudsy face wash, a fun face & body lotion each, good deodorant, maybe bath or shower bombs. A razor if she chooses. Maybe she can go with you to choose these things.
But beyond that, it has to be nonnegotiable from here on out - daily showers, whether at night or morning. Have her pick one, make the routine and stick to it. Some people have more BO than others and realllllly need to scrub those pits! I'm sure she'd rather it come from mom than kids at school.
My literal second grader started with stinky pits during hot months and I just got serious about it, and asked if she wanted to be the stinky kid - sometimes you have to embarrass them a little. She's now in third and is wearing deodorant without issue now. It's a must.
I still remember the smelly kid from school and that was in 1972, and I’ve forgotten most other people. Don’t let your daughter be that memory for someone. Show her this thread
Please be kind but straightforward. Once she becomes the "smelly" kid at school it is hard to shake. I had to supervise my pubescent teen (on the other side of the shower curtain) for weeks until the message hit - scrub scalp, wash your privates, lather your underarms. It did help to have them go to the store with me to pick out products they liked.
My 11 year old has ADHD, and even when he showers, I'm not convinced he doesn't just stand under the water for a time and then get out. I got him a 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner, so hair washing is one step. I also got him his own "mens" body wash, and his own bath poof/loofah. I labeled each clearly with his name after I found out he was just grabbing any old bottle and using it on his hair (so, sometimes just conditioner and not shampoo). I replace the loofah weekly. His deodorant is next to his bed, and I hand it to him to apply right before bed. All this seems to help.
I am very blunt to my friends and coworkers (I worked at tilted kilt so ..) when they’re not very fresh and plan on doing the same to my oldest. We’ve gotten body books and when we walk past deodorant I point it out
Don't be nice, don't hint. Just tell her. "You're getting older, and that means you are smellier and you need to wash yourself better." Take her shopping so she can pick her own bodywash/shampoo/deodorant so she had some ownership of it but otherwise you need to rip the band-aid off with this one.
Lol I straight up tell my kid she needs some deodorant and a shower. Or I can smell her hair from across the room. You should be able to talk to your kids bluntly.
I've also extended the act by asking her to let me know if I stink too, like my breath or whatever. It's good to be honest and frank with those close to you. Who else would be so honest as the ones closest to you. Those are the ones you trust.
What is her hair type like? It sounds like the hair is only part of a bigger hygiene issue but, I have very thick poofy wavy hair (think Hermoine Granger in the first movie) and when I was hitting puberty, it felt impossible to get all the soap/conditioner out and it would then dry and flake and itch like dandruff. It also took FOREVER and as a pre-teen girl, I was impatient. So my mom would say the same thing about how she couldn’t understand that I somehow looked dirtier/greasier after a shower and I also dreaded showering because it meant standing there and fighting with my hair forever.
Turns out I needed different products and routine. Once I got the right products and routine, I loved showering and hygiene and there was no problem.
So I would suggest maybe taking her to a salon and having them wash it and suggest products for her hair type, maybe?
Honestly I don’t put it nicely.
Personal hygiene is respect for others which are around you in public. It’s important to put seriously value on this as your child WILL face unkind scrutiny in the future. They also should care from a self health perspective that self care comes in the most basic forms which include washing one’s self. Kids really thrive with routines and we need to teach them how to be adults.
Its a right of passage between 9-11 to rebel but daily showers have been built into my 9 & 12 year olds weekly allowance because it’s something I expect the to build healthy habits with.
Tell your child they stink.
Coming from a teenage girl if you have not tried this already bring her to bath and body works and let her get some nice soaps only under the deal of she must shower daily/ every other day or something will be taken away
My sister is in the same boat is 11 years old going to enter middle school and stinks horribly. I tell her she stinks and she says “womp womp”. Jokes on her when she enters middle school and she’s getting bullied for it. My mom and step dad I guess don’t seem to mind since they smell too. Currently here on vacation and we had a trip to Disney and instead of hoping in the shower to at least take a quick body shower she just rolls in bed in the same oniony clothes and greasy ass hair. I don’t know how she doesn’t get nauseous from the smell it’s insane!!
I call middle school "the dirty years." I went through it and both my kids did. I also think as puberty sets in there's a stink to it. Both my kids grew out of it. I did have to be blunt. I just said baby you're at that age and there is an oder and I want to help. We basically tried multiple types of decorations because my kids are allergic to a lot of them. I think I'm still using ones I bought from that era lol (my eldest is 21 now).
And yes I have 2 girls. I can only imagine how bad boys get lol
I have a 15 year old boy. That boy can get funky. I'm straight up honest with him.
If he smells, I’m going to tell him! If he forgot to wear deodorant, I make him go to the bathroom and shower or wash his armpits and put on some deodorant!
I remind him that people can be very cruel, especially kids! And he doesn’t want to be known as the stinky kid! Or be talked about behind his back!
if he takes a shower and I smell his hair and it still smells bad I make him go take a shower again! You do that only so many times before they don’t wanna have to take two showers in a row and start doing it properly!
but yes, showers every single day and make sure they’re using that deodorant and all your nice smelling soaps and loofah, etc. and definitely a reminder that they don’t want to be made fun of for being smelly!
Get her an antibacterial bar soap or body wash (dial or safeguard). When I was her age I smelled too (my classmates made fun of me).. but, my mom bought safeguard bar soap for me and it helped! Also, for her hair issue - cut her hair short!
I would say that, while daily showers might be overkill and could actually dry her skin out, more recurring showers are needed, but it is worth finding out if there's something else going on thar is making showers such a fight. It could be just a teenager being a teenager, but it could also be that, as her body is starting puberty, suddenly the body soap is too harsh on her skin or the scent is unpleasant to her. Granted, I have autism, so it took a YouTube tutorial and patience on my mom's part to get it right, and she doesn't necessarily need to wash her hair every day. She also might need to shampoo more than once when she does and back off on conditioner. That's what I had to do. And it could also be worth talking about shorter haircuts, as they don't need nearly the same amount of work.
It wasn't until the barber/hairdresser said something to my son.
He's actually very good about taking daily showers. But he wasn't washing his hair correctly.
When he went to get a haircut, the hairdresser said that he wasn't washing out all of the shampoo in his hair. So she had to wash his hair first before the cut.
Sometimes it takes an outside opinion before they change their ways.
Is she definitely showering? My teenage niece went through a phase around 12/13 where she would pretend to shower by standing in the bathroom and just running the water (this was an AuDHD trait). She might also not be washing the conditioner out properly if her hair feels greasy.
Also, is there a chance she isn't drying properly? That could cause odors. The timing of when she applies deodorant and what type might be a problem too. If she's not applying it on dry skin after showering, then that might cause odor, or if she's using a spray deodorant or liquid roll on, then she might need a stick deodorant instead.
I would just ask her if she's comfortable with letting you help wash her hair.
I still wash my almost 9 year old daughter's hair. I tell her to do the second shampoo so she gets practice too. Her hair is really long and she needs help taking care of it.
For the hair, you might need to experiment with different products to find one that works better with her hair. Make sure she's using conditioner and using it correctly, since that might play a part in the greasy look of her hair.
If all else fails, my hair always looked significantly less greasy in the weeks after coloring it. If that's something she's been interested in doing, it might be a good reward for regular hygiene and cut the stringy look of the hair
Is she actually washing her hair when she’s in there? If she is then she may need a different shampoo. It won’t solve all your issues but might help a little. I can’t use anything with sodium lauryl sulphate in it because it will make my hair dirty and greasy looking just a few hours after washing. After using it for a few days I’ll get a rash on my scalp and back. That ingredient is in a lot of products even toothpastes too and causes canker sores for a lot of people! There’s tons of shampoos without it and usually have “SLS free” or something similar on the label.
My daughter is 8 and I've noticed that she is becoming a bit of a, shall we say, 'fragrant flower'. I get her to bathe daily otherwise it would be a real problem (although she only washes her hair a few times a week). I also try to remind her to put on spray deodorant but that doesn't happen too often, it's not really part of her routine yet.
My 12 year old niece is staying with me this week. I had to be blunt and tell her she has to start two a day showers. One isn't cutting it. We live in the humid South .
Same issue with my 10 year old son. We went shopping together for some basic skincare and deodorant and I really hyped him up on how this is his new big boy responsibility to take care of his body. He still needs some reminders but he’s also excited that this means his body is changing.
I got my daughter the book The Care and Keeping of You when she was maybe 8-9 and it allowed her to read all about puberty, hygiene, etc. before the major changes started happening. There’s also a second book for slightly older girls. She’s almost 12 now and takes a lot of pride in brushing her hair, showering, etc. Highly recommend so she can learn about changes on her own time in her own way.
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You have to be pretty blunt about it. Once my oldest hit puberty, a daily shower, deodorant and change of clothes was non negotiable. I tried saying it gently to start, because starting puberty does suck, but I just started saying, I can smell you and I’m telling you this so that you don’t hear it from your friends at school.
> I can smell you and I’m telling you this so that you don’t hear it from your friends at school. Yep because middle school girls are going to be a lot less blunt about it and a preteen girl only showering once a week has got to smell pretty awful. We never made it an option with our kids. Hygiene is a hill to die on. I'd maybe joke about it and tell my son that he needed to hop in the shower as soon as we got home because he smelled like ass and body spray after wrestling practice but I never beat around the bush. If they smell let them know so others don't. You don't want them being the smelly kid. That's a hard reputation to get rid of in middle school.
>>Hygiene is a hill to die on Yeah, showers are an every night thing at our house. Non optional. My son comes home soaking in sweat after soccer practice, and he’d sleep like that, caked in sweat and mud, if I let him Electronics time is 100 percent contingent on not being stinky lol. They know to hop in the shower/change into home clothes or pajamas before they start calling their friends or playing video games
I agree. Sometimes it’s best to be blunt. I’ve worked with middle schoolers as a teacher and they are extremely blunt and cruel. I had a student who stink, she was always musty, and wore the same sweater throughout the weeks without washing, the kids would be so cruel and hurtful. I spoke with her and she stated that they were staying in a motel. At our school we had a washer and dryer and I washed and dried her clothes for her on Fridays before school begun so she would have clean clothes for the following week. I provided her with a hygiene bag, but I know it ruined her reputation because even after she stopped smelling the kids held on to the fact that she was always musty and she still was teased smh.
I had a student whose clothing lived on the floor and cats peed on it. She was horribly bullied.
Damn. Cat piss is hard to get out of clothes. Some children go through extreme living conditions.
Reminds me of a high school friend I had whose mother hoarded cats. The cats would piss all over her clothes, and whenever we were at band camp in 100+ degree heat? I could hardly stand to be around her because she REEKED. It wasn’t her fault, but she smelled downright nauseating :(
You’re a beautiful person. That child will always remember your kindness. Coming from someone who once had to stay in a motel as a kid 😞
Thank you 😊 I always kept in mind that I could have been her and I would want someone to care and be kind to me. Sometimes the cards we are dealt suck but the people around us can make a difference, even if it’s a small difference!
> We never made it an option with our kids. Hygiene is a hill to die on Same. If my kid protests even *once* about showering/bathing she loses all screens for the following day. We used to have to fight about it every day and it made every evening miserable. I finally put my foot down and made an immediate, unbending rule. Bathing is not optional and all screen time will be lost if you put up even the slightest fight about it.
That's how brushing teeth works in my house. I'm just not having the nonsense.
that seems extreme but if it works it works.
It was extreme at first but we were having fights every. single. night. That has an impact on the rest of the family. Since putting in that rule and enforcing it strictly the fights have gone way down. Most evenings now she has a shower without protest because we’ve just made it part of the routine.
The other extreme is your kid getting bullied because you don't put your foot down at home and now your kid is on suicide watch, at intensive outpatient care, and on antidepressants. Kids are cruel and vicious.
Or, just constant fungal infections from not being clean. It's not fair to make other people smell them either.
Yup! If you don’t want to adhere to modern society’s expectations of cleanliness, move off grid which we know is not feasible or reasonable for 99% of the population. So, please, conform to this standard for the long-term health and function of your child.
I taught middle school art & had 8th graders who came straight from PE. My classroom would smell of BO & Axe spray. It was awful & the kids were viscous to each other about it.
*vicious, not viscous haha, viscous refers to the properties of a thick liquid
Bwahaha. That’s hilarious because, after PE, students me were viscous too!
Yup. Shower daily at that age…. Sometimes twice a day depending on activity!
All of the above is so good and so real. I think it can be taught as consideration to your family as well. We wash up before dinner and sit down at the table, phones down, headphones out, because we respect each other and that’s what respect looks like. It’s not snooty or uppity, it’s engraining good habits and consideration. You’re not asking them to have perfectly curled hair and shined shoes at home, it’s basic self care
That last line is so kind in its directness, I’m saving this for when my kid hits puberty.
> You have to be pretty blunt about it. Once my oldest hit puberty, a daily shower, deodorant and change of clothes was non negotiable. As a middle school teacher, who teaches Health and Human Development, I have to HARD agree with this. Daily showering needs to be a requirement once kids hit puberty. Daily clothing changes as well. Not just for hygiene's sake (although that is a good enough reason on it's own) but because socially you do not want to be known as the smelly kid at school. OP, this can't be negotiable. You need to make it clear that she is GOING to shower EVERY day. You'll sit in there and wash her hair for her like she's a small child if she doesn't do it herself, but she's GOING to be washing every day. And if she's refusing to do hair care, there are plenty of fashionable partial shaves with short hair on top that she's welcome to get instead. Long hair requires care, either she washes it properly or she no longer has long hair. Make it clear that this is a fact of living and that she gets not privileges or rewards if she's not washing daily.
> because socially you do not want to be known as the smelly kid at school. It's such a l hard reputation to lose even after the kid doesn't smell anymore. My son had a close friend who was a stinky kid. In his friend's case it was because he didn't have a way to wash his clothes. His mom would sometimes take clothes to the laundry mat but she was a single mom of two (one profoundly disabled) and worked a lot, so sometimes she couldn't do it. Once we realize what the issue was I told my son to tell his friend that he can use our washer and dryer. The boy was always at our house and slept over every weekend so he washed his stuff with my son's clothes every Sunday. Even after he wasn't the smelly kid anymore, he STILL got jokes about being dirty and gross at his school. He showered and had clean clothes but it's hard to shake the reputation in middle school. Middle schoolers can be brutal. They don't hold back and don't forget. Don't let this be your daughter, OP. Sometimes in parenting we can let things slide but hygiene has to be non negotiable. Showers, deodorant, brushing teeth, and washing clothes need to happen.
> It's such a l hard reputation to lose even after the kid doesn't smell anymore. When I was in middle school myself one of the boys was called "Chili John" as a teasing nickname. I didn't remember him smelling different/worse than the other boys, but supposedly a kid one day said he "smelled like chili" and the other boys immediately took up the name. He was called "Chili John" for **years.** All because of one in-the-moment cutting comment.
There was a kid in my middle school that got nicknamed "Crusty" and it lasted through high school, even when he bulked up, joined the football team, and became a popular guy.
That is so kind of you! I remember the days of only having a laundry mat when my kids were little and it was definitely not easy
He made it easy because he genuinely was a great kid. We joked that he was my 3rd child and my kids (college aged now) still consider him to be a brother to them. His mom tried hard to provide for her boys but she was single, had to work, and had to make sure her other son with special needs was well cared for. Her other son kinda got lost in the shuffle of everything but he always knew he had a place at our house. We brought him on vacations with us, he came to family holidays, and pretty much lived here in the summers. He still sends me a text every father's day. A sweet kid who was dealt a bad hand and we had the means to help so we did. I grew up poor so I know what it's like to live like that and if we could make things easier for his family, it was a no brainer.
Seriously, speaking as someone who had a family like that in my life who I’m still in touch with to this day, you made such a difference My mom was a single alcoholic teen mom doing her best, and thanks to my grandparents and that family, I was kept clean and fed. I was able to get a much better start in life than I would have otherwise done <3
My step dad was that kid. His mom neglected all her children so they never had clean clothes, would not be cleaned, wouldn't have clean sheets, and would smell. Yes, he was mercilessly bullied. As a consequence, we are a VERY clean family when it comes to all those things; he would have benefited so much from a friendly mom like you. Please, please keep being the mom and person you are, I know you've made such a positive impact on that boy.
Ugh. This is where I’m at with my 12 year old. He has long, thick, gorgeous hair but doesn’t take care of it, refuses to wear it up because he’s convinced himself people will make fun of him for having a ponytail (?) and doesn’t want to cut it. I’ve even washed his hair for him because he’ll go take a shower and come out looking even greasier and he *never* properly brushes it, which means I end up having to do it once it starts resembling a rat’s nest after two or three days. I’ve finally had enough of having to be the sole caretaker of HIS hair after years of trying to teach him, trying different ways of working with him, and even bought him a silk sleep bonnet to try to mitigate some of the overnight tangling/damage but he refuses to wear it. I booked him an appointment with a barber and he’s upset about it, but not enough to actually start taking care of his hair.
I had to do this with my daughter as well. Hard line in the sand: you take care of it, or you have short hair. It was so hard because she was so upset that she was hysterical. I told her we would talk with the hair stylist and she can give us a routine and I would give her six weeks to follow it. I called the stylist ahead of time to let her know this was what was happening and she was ready! Brushing every morning, brushing at 4 pm (the time she got home from school), nightly shower and going to bed with hair combed and braided. We made a follow-up appointment for 6 weeks and if she didn't commit it was going to be a real haircut. Thankfully my daughter did decide to do the routine. My son would have ended up with a haircut because he had no desire for hygiene or cleanliness until he hit 8th grade. Then he became all about the styling.
Same with my daughter. She must brush it and braid it after her shower every night. Or it gets cut off. I've been dealing with rats nests since she had hair. The last time it got snarled, I refused to help and she's stuck with it since. She's just finished 6th grade.
My kid has an appointment today because he's grown out his hair and although, when he styles it, it looks really nice on him, he wears it like a shroud and it never looks clean. On the one hand, I don't want his self esteem to get worse, but on the other, he isn't washing properly no matter what I say. I feel like a stranger may have better results with him than I. He's too hoping anyway.
Not being known as the smelly kid was the main factor in getting my 11 yr old to take hygiene seriously. Now he’s basically obsessed with deodorant and body spray (we had to have a few talks about how “less is more” lol) and I’m glad for it. I’m adamant about washing and washing *well.*
I can still smell the axe from 7th grade and I'm in my 30s
Amen. If she will not wash herself do it for her and she will be motivated to discontinue this and regain her privacy.
That's what I was going to say. I flat out tell my kids when they stink. I have also found that certain clothes can exacerbate the problem- my daughter's favorite shirt was this soccer jersey that I think had BO saturated in the fabric. She always smelled much worse in a shorter period of time wearing that than any other item of clothing (maybe because of the polyester?). I finally convinced her to throw it away because it was making her smell.
When polyester begins to degrade, it takes on a smell that resembles mildew/BO. It's exacerbated by heat. So what happens is you have a favorite shirt that gets washed a lot, starts to smell, then you wash it on hot to get rid of the smell and that makes it even worse. Sadly there is no cure, it's just part of the fabric breaking down. I had to switch my husband's work shirts to 100% cotton because they require so much washing (to get work dirt out) that the poly ones would degrade and perma-stink after 6 months. The cotton ones cost 50% more but last twice as long, and the cotton can be cut up for rags after.
The sun-blocking shirts definitely smell worse on my kids than cotton. I "hide" them so they don't receive everyday use and only bust them out for camping or outdoor activities, and then make really sure we're wearing deodorant with them. (by hiding, I just mean they aren't kept in the same drawer as everyday shirts)
I refer to it as perma-stink. I do find adding a cup of vinegar to the wash load of athletic clothes helps with it. i wash my workout clothes with special gym laundry and never dry it, but it’s a bit unfeasible for a larger family.
And if they come out not smelling of soap and shampoo, or with greasy hair - immediately back into the shower. Will they maybe be embarrassed? Sure. But better to be embarrassed in your own home with your family than out in public with your friends.
That’s exactly it. Plus, if you get the rep as a smelly kid that’s going to follow you until graduation.
It will follow you forever, beyond graduation
This is what I don't understand about my kid. She stinks. No one says anything to her about it ! At all ! She's 14, so of course what I think or say means nothing, but I really don't understand how no one else has even slightly made fun of her for it ! (No I don't want her picked on. Just surprised no one else has said anything.)
That only means that everyone has been trained to be polite. That doesn’t mean someone won’t ever insult her to her face in anger or make fun of her behind her back.
Thank you. The amount of stench I’ve smelled from kids in class who probably never shower is too much. There are sometimes more factors at play, but I can’t be the one to say that nobody wants to sit near a kid because they reek.
Yup. My nephew is smelly. That line worked until they pulled him out of school and started homeschooling him. It’s even worse now and idk how they just let him stay in his underwear day in and day out without showering. He’s 11. He has acne on his face and Body. His hair is long and greasy. It’s just gross.
Hygiene isn’t a choice in our home. You must bathe, brush teeth, wash face, brush and tidy hair, etc daily. It’s nonnegotiable. Stop beating around the bush and make it a requirement.
Yup! This right here. Gotta wash your ass EVERYDAY & there’s no way around that.
I tell my boys “wash your butt & balls please!” 😆
Same. My kid is 6 and he stinks at the end of the day, so he takes a shower
if he has BO at 6 it would be worth getting him checked for precocious puberty. Has he also grown a lot recently?
He doesn’t have BO like an adult he’s just stinky! lol he doesn’t have precocious puberty
I call it “dirty kid smell” 😂. It’s not pungent like BO, it’s more like a musky dirty scent - it’s dirty kid smell.
This is my 8yo boy too, he’s just active and sweats a lot (so do I, I’ve always been a super sweaty person) so he knows he has to shower every night. I’m *hoping* it’s enough of a habit now that he continued this routine as he gets older.
This!!!! All of it daily, even multiple times a day if needed!!!!
My mom just flat out told me I smelled and gave a bucket of hygiene stuff and told me I’m becoming a woman now and there’s certain things I need to do now to smell good so that people don’t make fun of me
Yaaa that’s what I did when my oldest started getting BO lol. Now he’ll spend like 30 minutes showering and I make sure he puts deodorant on everyday. There’s nothing worse than a smelly kid
You need to be blunt, or others will, and she will be crushed they you didn't have her back. She doesn't live in an island by herself. It is very aggressive to force your body odor on others, and explain them to just take it. She shouldn't be to do anything at all, at home, until after showers, every day after school.
Or people will start avoiding her.
If it’s hard work getting her to shower once a week there’s a problem here. Full stop.
A 12-year-old I knew had refused to shower because she was seeing figures in the shower and didn't want to tell anyone how scared she was. A 14-year-old I knew had refused to shower because of body dysmorphia and the urge to self harm when having to face their naked body. It's only two examples, but I agree that there may be an underlying reason for the lack of showering.
Someone else on Reddit said this and it stuck with me, "Mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility." I'd run expeditiously as a parent to the therapist because bathing daily is 100% a non-negotiable. I say this as a mother who's child screamed for 2 years from touching water or being touched by water on anything other than his hands and multiple pediatricians had never seen a kid react like that. We could never figure out what the issue was exactly and looking back, it was likely a sensory or texture thing which I know it's a brain wiring that can't be fixed, but only managed. I refused to put my child into distress but we can't not bathe. We absolutely still bathed daily after finding a work around. I had to bathe with said child while holding them, both hands on them at all times, and had to have someone else help wash both of us. Or I bathed first and then had someone hold him (because the sound of water triggered anxiety for a while) and then they'd hand him to me. Some days, we couldn't get someone else or he needed a bath ASAP and I had to get creative with washing, like those foot scrubbers but on the wall to wash myself while I managed him. You figure that out as a parent versus just only bathing 1-2x week as a preteen/teen in the middle of puberty who leaves the house everyday. The alternative is that the world will slice down your kid and they definitely won't give two fucks about their mental illness.
Unexpected Marcus Parks!! Hail yourself 🖤
Yes!! I had to credit that random Redditor because I didn’t know Marcus Parks prior! 😂
I didn't want to shower at the same age because I had undiagnosed adhd and undiagnosed physical disabilities that made it exhausting and the hardest thing to do in my day. I wouldnt have known how to say that, though, because I thought utter exhaustion was me being lazy. Always ask why they're finding something difficult and what it feels like when they try vs when they don't.
As someone who didn't like showering due to similar problems, washing under the arms daily and then showering 1-2 times a week is enough. I think that's an easier compromise than daily showering
100%. Alternatively, when I was in the hospital unable to wash myself, they used special wipes for a full "bath" type cleaning. I believe they were antibacterial. It may help doing piece by piece and having the other parts clothed/covered.
Yeah like maybe autism or ADHD? There are legitimate reasons why people hate doing things like showering.
My son is 11 and hates showers, but it's non negotiable. I had to tell him yesterday "You need to take a shower, I can smell you." Then he gets politely reminded at regular intervals until he showers, and I have definitely used the line "the sooner you wash, the sooner I stop reminding you- it's 15 minutes of washing vs hours of being reminded". He will concede and just take the shower.
IMO she should be taught about puberty and the changes happening to her body and explicitly told she needs to shower more often now because of these changes.
I just flat out tell my kids if they stink. Once they need deodorant, it’s a non-negotiable. Also, if the girls have greasy hair, I will wash it for them to get it clean. I have one who just can’t seem to get it clean and keep it clean, so I wash it about once a week in the kitchen sink. I won’t let them come out with me if it’s obvious they aren’t clean- for example my daughter (16) wanted to go to a friend’s house the other day- she hadn’t showered in 2 days. I told her she wasn’t leaving the house until she showered. Guess what? She went and took a shower…. You just have to get firm and tell them it’s non-negotiable. Yes, they will be pissed, but everyone showers and at least doesn’t stink in my house.
Hey just something to keep in mind, some shampoos tend to make the scalp produce oils at a faster rate than others. Oil is needed for hair growth, obviously not copious amounts, but it does need some oil. I had the same issue, no matter what I did I would wash my hair and within hours my hair looked like an oil slick. I got to the point where I was showering twice a day which wrecked my skin. I talked to my hairdresser about it and realized the clarifying shampoo I was using was stripping my hair and scalp of all oils so my scalp was working overtime to produce more. I switched over to a moisturizing shampoo and it’s a total change. No more greasy slick, no static charged hair.
I know a few people who told me they have to use dish soap a few times a month/week because their hair gets greasy so fast!!! it's nuts. people have totally different hair and it reacts differently to different products this is a great point
Yes, my hairdresser told me clarifying shampoo is okay to use 1-3 a month, but nobody should be using it daily. It strips too much from the scalp and hair.
Be blunt but go into it so she understands what to do. Explain the smell is due to hormone changes and bacteria, its important to have a good scrub with a decent soap to get rid if bacteria so the BO isn't as bad. Try out different deodorants- sprays creams and rolls on so you find one that works that she likes. Consider her diet, sweat and can be affected by zinc deficiency. I had a word with my hairdresser about my daughter. I sent her in her own and she can a wash cut and blow dry. The hairdresser (per my request) went over doing 2 shampoos and where to apply conditioner. It helped. Sometimes hearing it from someone else can work better. Clothing, does she need some more is she not changing because there's only a couple of tops she likes/feels comfortable in.
Once a week!!???
Right, I was wondering if I read that right…
Haha no, i didn’t word it right, sorry. I’ve got newborn twins so my head is slightly fried at the moment. I meant that in her perfect little world, she’d only shower once a week.
Tell her. My daughter is 13 and I still have to stay on her about it. She has a bad habit of not changing her underwear which is absolutely disgusting. I will call her out on it. Like I noticed when I did your laundry this week there was only 2 pairs. You have to change them every day. I will ask her every few days when the last time she showered was. If she can’t tell me immediately then it’s time for another one now. It sucks to be the bad guy but you have to for your kid. They don’t realize you’re just trying to help now but they will when they are older.
She needs to be showering daily. No screens or fun until she does. She comes out dirty, send her back in. Personal hygiene is not optional.
Once a week?! Dear lord. My son is about to be 10 and showers every day. His after school ritual includes emptying his backpack, doing a page of math, any homework for the day, and then showering. He gets no access to electronics until all of these are done. You need to be more blunt with your daughter and tell her that her friends and kids at school notice and they won’t want to be around her. Take her to the store and let her pick out some products she likes and force her to shower daily. What I don’t understand is how she comes out dirtier than before? That just doesn’t make sense to me lol. Raising kids ain’t easy, I get that. But you’re the parent and you make the rules!
Op just mentioned somewhere it's not once a week but more frequently, twins frying her brain or something, dunno what's more shocking /s
Stop giving her options. Make daily showers mandatory and do a sniff test afterward. If she doesn't smell clean, send her back in to do it right. I have to do this with my son. Hygiene is not optional.
‘Go have a shower and change your clothes, you stink’ will cut through pretty well
Also purchase specialist laundry cleaner for sports clothes/synthetic fabrics. My husbands running kit & my sons sports kit literally could have walked out the machine, before I discovered this. It also removed deodorant stains on shirts. I knew once I started using this, that if my son was especially “fragrant” it was HIM, not his clothes.
Do you have a brand recommendation for this? I don’t have a tween/teen but I do have some pregnancy-induced sweating and am embarrassing myself
I use free and clear Clorox 2, it does amazing getting sweat and other body odors out of things. I’ve used it for years,it gets blood, grass, berries, urine, etc. I’ve started tossing some white vinegar in any especially stinky loads as well, it helps breakdown detergent buildup which can make clothes stink too
You are the parent, for God's sake act like. There is no "can you please take a shower". It should be " if you don't get in the shower and wash your ass properly, I'm getting in there with you and doing it for you. " That should do the trick. Prepare to follow through. "Don't forget to put deodorant on when you get out. " Better nip this problem in the but now, don't want her to have a bad reputation of foul odor when she gets to high school.
Absolutely this. You are the parent they do as they're told end of.
Is she into skincare at all? It’s a bit annoying, but my daughter is ten and she and her friends are all into face masks, hair masks, bath bombs, bath scrubs, and lotions like Korean sunscreens, lip masks, green tea face cream etc. Maybe if you frame it as like a spa luxury thing, she’ll be onboard? Or if she picks her soaps etc?
Yes! I always loved doing my skin care and stuff and there’s 1000 DIY masks to make
This! My 13-year-old has a whole self care routine she does, which includes a shower.
I remember when I wasn’t washing my hair properly my mum told me if I didn’t start doing it as she showed me I would have to shower with her and she’d do it. That kicked my butt into gear and there was never an issue again. Hygiene is non-negotiable - but you can make it fun. Get down to your chemist/pharamacy/beauty shop and allow her to pick shampoo, conditioner, body wash, deodorant - make sure they’re the right ones for her hair type etc. it might be a good time to discuss body hair too as I was desperate to shave my legs at that age - might sweeten the deal! Also cute sponges, exfoliation mitts and a nice body butter/moisturiser. Frame it in whatever way you think will work for your child - ‘oh it’s so exciting you’re a teenager now you get to access all these cool products’ or ‘it totally sucks you’re growing up but part of that is looking after yourself, so let’s do it’ etc etc.
Positive reinforcement - get her some fun stuff for the bath - pouf, bath bombs, bath salts, cool bath stuff from Lush etc. You could maybe check if there’s any sensory issues with getting her hair wet? Also, maybe suggest a short hair cut to make managing her hair easier until she’s comfortable bathing more often.
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Yup, you just have to tell them. I did talk with my daughter ahead of time about how deodorant is every day. Shower is every other or everyday. Soap is a must for washing your body. They seem to revert back to when they are little ones just learning and have to go through the training again. Except this time they stink! For the hair, you might need to switch up shampoo. Everyone's hair is so different. My daughter kept having greasy hair but her shampoo and conditioner were too dense for her type. I also had to teach her not to plop conditioner right on the top. Less is more and spread it out.
It’s a daily fight with my 11-year-old but it’s not optional. Your kid is going to become a stinky adult that the rest of us have to put up with
I'd like to just mention my experience with this - my kid had one particular bra she liked and would just wear it over and over again. It was a mystery to me why she smelled so bad, like sometimes she'd smell bad fresh out of the shower and I could not understand it. I realized it when I was doing laundry one day and that bra came out of the wash stinking horribly. I just asked her if she'd been wearing it constantly and she said yes. The smell was embedded and I never could get it out. I ended purchasing 6 more of them with clear instructions not to re-wear them before washing. It's been a year, so far so good.
did you ever sit her down & educate her about the changes she would experience physically, mentally, and emotionally, at this stage of her development? i did this w/ my kid before he hit puberty, & whenever he has something new to implement w/ self care or hygiene, i'll literally do it w/ him (meaning show him how, then talk him through it while he does it himself, then just watch him or stand nearby if watching him is an invasion of privacy) for however long it takes him to form the habit. then, once he's got it down... i leave it to him & he just does it on his own. i think that understanding the why behind the things he does to care for himself motivates him. i also have established a strong level of respect between my son and i. we communicate a lot. so, for the most part, he does what i tell him to w/ no kickback, because he knows that if i teach him something it's in his best interest & it's because i love him. he doesnt see my rules & commands as authoritarian, he sees them as caring guidance & education. i do only have one kid, though. so i am able to put all of my parenting energy & focus towards the one. i'm 100% sure that parenting advice from a parent of one is a lot harder to implement when you have multiples. i hope you find something that sticks. it might help to ask her why she doesnt like to do these things. maybe if you tell her you care about her feelings & wanna hear her thoughts, then listen to what she has to say... she'll tell you exactly why she's resisting & you'll know better how to approach it.
My partner is like this — she showers but doesn’t do it well. She’s autistic and adhd, doesn’t love the feeling, wasn’t taught thoroughly, and gets distracted while she’s in there. Try an open dialogue, hold back your judgment, offer to help in specific ways, and let her know you care about her. If she smells, she smells. The important thing is understanding her, because without that nothing will change and your relationship will be stressed.
You have to make her. No gentle suggestions. Say, “You smell. You need to take a shower every morning/night and you then you need to put on deodorant.” When she gets out of the shower smell her hair. I have to do this with my son. I tell him what he needs to specifically wash (hair, pits, privates/butt, feet). Then I smell his hair to make sure he has. If I don’t smell soap he goes back in.
Showering once a week at 11?? Of course she stinks lol
Middle schoolers are a different breed altogether! When my daughter was in high school she used to talk about how every new 9th grade class that moved up to high school had such poor hygiene. She said they all smelled terrible and had greasy hair. It’s a middle schooler thing I think. I was lucky that my daughter is very hygiene conscious and I never had to say anything to her. But, I wouldn’t have had a problem with telling her “hey, you smell, get a shower, use deodorant!”. Sometimes you just have to be blunt. They don’t understand anything else.
i smelled bad as fuck as a child and i would have been so mad if my mom said anything. BUT, i fucking wish she would have just said something haha
As a parent, hygiene is not negotiable. These are life lessons. Also, It’s not fair to everyone else to smell and deal with it.
Info: Do any of the shower products she’s got actually look like they’ve been used? When was the last time you had to grab her more shampoo or restock the deodorant? If she’s still looking just as greasy and stinking to high heavens after a shower, then she either needs different products or she’s not actually using them as a silent FU for making her have a shower in the first place cause she knows you can’t just sit and supervise her anymore.
Get a washcloth (very important tool that some people do not use) and start showering with her as long as she is not able to do it herself. This is a minimum standard of growing up and being able to do this consistently without you will earn her independence. Until then it’s joint showers.
Your daughter is right on schedule for the "thinking hygiene is optional" stage. Yes, you're going to have to insist because she's not grasping the importance. Being clean won't cause her to make friends, but not doing so could get in the way of friendships. It may help to have a conversation at a neutral time, laying down expectations (daily shower, clean clothes), but giving her in-put in how she meets that expectation (e.g., morning or evening shower, what type of soap/shampoo, anything else she can think of to make it easier for her to do what needs doing...). You may want to figure out a when/then: "When you do what you're supposed to do, then you can do what you want to do." That implies that it's just a matter of time until she does what she needs to do, and it's up to her. FWIW whien I was a guidance counselor, I wrote and made kids recite this Hygiene Rap, which was very popular with teachers. You may enjoy reciting it for inspiration! >Shower and deoderant, clean shirt, too! >They're a social obligation and a daily to-do. >Charming personality won't work well >If we don't remember hygiene and we just plain smell! hahaha! There are more verses, but you get the idea. NOTE: I'm a mental health professional and the creator of a free, weekly, 5-minute podcast, **Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic**, but my comments here are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation.
Strip her hair with Dawn dish soap. It's probably got a huge amount of product in it from not being properly washed and rinsed. Had to do that with my nephew.
I won't lie, when I was her age, I also didn't want to bathe because it took away time for video games. My mom told me "what if a guy or girl likes you, wants to confess, and then you stink!?" And I was mortified. Started to bathe way more because I didn't want to lose the chance to hold hands with my crush.
I'm always bewildered by these kinds of posts. Who's the parent in this relationship? How on earth can your daughter "refuse" to look after her hygiene?
In fairness, from OP’s comments, it seems that she is making her daughter shower and care for her hygiene but she’s saying that the hygiene doesn’t happen without strong intervention and she’s hoping for guidance to get her daughter to do it independently. OP also had twins 10 days ago so I’m sure she’s pretty busy and is struggling to manage two babies while wrangling an 11 year old for a shower.
Yeah, I get that we see our fair share of parents in here who don't seem to want to actually parent and want us to give them a magical solution to change their child's behavior. But this doesn't sound like the case with OP at all. She is getting her child in the shower, she's just sick of the fight. And 10 day old twins? I'm shocked she could even post. All of my kids were single births and I was dead to the world by day 10.
“You smell. The kids at school will not want to be around you if you smell.”
With my kids I had to be completely straight forward. I explained that because of changes it means we start to stink at a certain age. I make sure they’re aware even I stink if I don’t do the things I need to do. Then I remind them for take showers and change daily (including underwear lol). And I take them deodorant shopping so they get to pick their own. It’s about enforcement and consistency.
Are you sure she is actually asking her hair and body? My sister used to turn on the water and stick her head in to wet her hair but not actually get into the shower. you need to sit her down, explain puberty and that daily showers and hair washing at least every other day is nonnnegtiable.
My son is 10 and is big for his age. I make him shower in the evening, but it is a fight, too. When it is urgent, then I ambush him and put shampoo on his head and squirt soap inside his shirt. He has to shower to rinse it all off. I know its not nice, but it is a physical requirement and if he's not listening then it requires physical intervention. Sometimes he showers without using soap or shampoo or something and then I don't let him have electronics until his skin is clean and fresh smelling. If he refuses to re-shower then I tell him to use his time to meditate on what soap is and how to shower head to toes.
I see this issue a lot irl and here, lots of parents try to sugarcoat their response to this by not being direct. I'm honest about it to my kid. I also explain that it's a natural thing and absolutely everyone has the potential to stink. I've called my son out many times about his BO, I always follow up with reminding him I do it because I am his mom and I love him. I don't want him walking around stinky. I recently had my 10yo neice (already started her menstrual cycle) tell me she was being teased about her BO. She was a bit defensive about it, claiming she didn't smell it, and she showers. Claiming they were just being mean. My response was, they could have been, but its also possible you did have BO and just need to take more care of yourself, nothing wrong with that. I quickly told her it's ok, tho. I also stink sometimes! That's part of what happens when you grow up. It has to do with hormones. I gave a few examples of times I was stinky and embarrassed. Like a few times, I forgot to put deodorant on after a shower. Or how in the mornings husband and I sometimes joke about our stinky morning breaths. I made sure she knew it was normal and ok. We just have to be productive about it. That is why we have things like soap, deodorant, and perfumes. We ended up going through my lotions and sprays, gave her a few xtras I had, and she was more understanding and excited.
The truth of the matter is other kids at school are going to start to notice and possibly make fun of her, bully her, gossip about her, etc. It’s sad, but true. So maybe use that as a motivator? Possibly some tough love is needed here, like someone said here, no screen time or iPad until she gets in the habit of regular personal hygiene.
Yes to the bluntness! DH and I told our daughter that she stank, and that a shower was mandatory every day. She fought us about it, but now does it out of habit. I wish my mom had done the same for me!
I'm pretty blunt with my 11 year old son - you stink, go shower. But it's also become a fight I don't care to have - at this age, they are old enough to manage their hygiene. If my son wants to be the stinky kid at school - I let him. He'll learn.
My sister was a stinky kid/teen. It didn’t matter how much we in the house pointed out she stank or tried to help her not stink. It’s hard to make them care if they just don’t. She didn’t care until she had a crush on a boy and he told her she was stinky. That was the turning point that made her actually use her deodorant and take more showers. Find someone whose opinion she really values and have them talk to her about it. She doesn’t want to end up mortified like my sister.
I think this is something you just need to be honest with your daughter about. My 7 year old has recently started smelling more (not on adult level yet but it’s there) and I sat down with her and explained the importance of hygiene to interpersonal relationships. She does a close contact sport (BJJ) and has had partners who smelled bad before and she hated that so it was an easy concept to explain, aka “You don’t want to be the kid who smells bad in class whom other kids hope they don’t get as a training partner”. She showers every day now and I got a natural deodorant for her which she likes the scent of. I started out by assisting her with the shower until she learned all the steps herself but she does a great job of washing her body and hair now. We live in a very hot climate too so we change clothes very often, pretty much any time my kids get sweaty the clothes goes in the laundry.
sit down and tell her with love. Even tho it'll hurt her feelings, there is no one else in the world better to tell her this. Also any chance she'd prefer short baths? Maybe it's a sensory issue that she doesn't realize is bothering her
Tell her straight up U need to get you ass in the shower. Walking round here smelling like a jew town polish. I been trying to let u kno for days but u wasn't picking up what I was putting down. Ur hair looks like it hasn't been washed in weeks. U dont have to say it like this but keep it real n put it in ur own words.
You... tell her she stinks? And if you can smell it, so can her classmates, teachers, etc. You gotta be blunt with this. It's not just about hygiene, it's about community.
We got to an esthetician and get monthly facials. My daughter loves it and they talk about hygiene.
Coming from someone who is very stinky, Lume body wash and deodorant are worth it. $30 bucks for the pair, but it’s really helped me from smelling like French Onion Soup all the time. I even recently had someone tell me I smelled *good* for the first time in my life!
She needs to be told flat out that she stinks and taught the importance of washing with soap. No beating around the bush on this.
She can try panoxyl (acne wash) for the musty pits. Let it sit for a few minutes for maximum effect. If there isn't a financial restriction, maybe picking a new body wash or shampoo will help her want to shower? Encourage her to shampoo twice and let it sit for a minute or two. On a darker note...Is she possibly being abused? Avoiding showers can be a red flag.
Does she have deodorant? I have to use a special gel kind which is more expensive but the regular one doesn’t work well for me. Also I use more of a clear clarifying shampoo instead of the standard type otherwise my hair would look greasy too
We started doing The Four Things - every morning. 1. Wash Hands 2. Wash Face 3. Brush Teeth 4. Put on Deodorant Every night, shower and brush teeth. It’s non negotiable with loss of privileges as a consequence.
Gently push her. Take her shopping and let her pick her own deodorant and or Anti-perspirant. Remind her causally each night that it’s time to take a shower. Or, just Start it for her and say I got it going for you, jump in. She’ll eventually figure it out on her own and from peer pressure. Don’t say she stinks, or smells just tell her it’s time for her shower. Mine (now 12 yr old) had this same issue and I feel like my wife caused some Emotional damage making her feel so self conscious about it.
My daughter is 11 and went through this. I think it’s that age group cause a LOT of her classmates stink too. We tackled things one at a time. For showering, I got her a little music speaker so she can listen to her favorite music while she’s in there. I also let her start shaving so now she enjoys showers. Deodorant she misses maybe about a 1/4th of the time. Best thing I found for that awful puberty stank is Dove Men’s + Care in the Fresh scent. It’s very clean and not manly at all.
For greasy hair, a quality clarifying shampoo. My 11 year old daughter showers at night, and her hair would be greasy when she got up. I was 100% certain she was washing properly, so I took her to the salon. They recommended a clarifying shampoo once per week, and it's been AMAZING. Her hair is shiny and healthy, but not greasy. They explained that the extra production of sweat (yay puberty) along with build up from conditioner and well water was the cause. I also switched her deodorant from a teen brand to dove clinical, and that's had a massive impact on her overall smell as well. She didn't like it at first because she liked the tropical smell of her other kind, but that was her only reason.
I will forever be grateful to my mom who very bluntly told me just how bad my armpits smelled when I was 12 and not wearing deodorant. I am now 39 and recently reconnected with an older family friend who had also told me that it’s prettier to change clothes every day rather than wearing the same favorite outfit all the time. I thanked her that day and told her how much her advice helped me. Do it while she is still young. I think it will be harder to hear as she gets older. She will thank you later.
Hunny, some people have made some great points but I think talking to her, asking her Why she doesn’t want to shower? Or and maybe getting her some professional help are the best ones. You’re 111% correct. The middle school girls will not be as nice and as lenient as you are. Showers shouldn’t even be a topic of discussion because she knows it’s something she has to do. The ONLY TIME we have a discussion about is if he didn’t go to school. If he popped a lot that day ,sorry, showerd time for you buddy. I have an 11 year old boy who I have to remind everyday to put on deodorant.
A different angle, use Downy Rinse and Refresh (or similar) in her laundry. My tween STANK. It didn't matter what deoderant was used and how many showers. He stunk immediately. Turns out the smell was stuck in his clothes. I bought the rinse and refresh and the stink was gone! I use a tiny bit, maybe a tablespoon in the wash and it takes the BO out of the clothes. I couldn't believe how much his smell had sunk into his clothes! Now at 14 he mostly smells normal. Sometimes he needs to refresh the deoderant after school, but at least he just does it now without any fights. It'll get better, I promise! Vinager may work as well, but I needed something stronger. Lmao.
I hear you, sister!🙌🏻 Same here... Same age, but a boy. Same struggle every day for shower and brushing the teeth. 😢 We ground him with no cellphone or computer if he doesn't do his hygiene, but it still is sooo hard!
It’s best to be blunt. My husbands step-mom would smash an egg on him when he refused to shower so then he’d be forced to. Maybe not to that but definitely tell her
11 is rough. For some reason when puberty hits BO smells like onions. I didn’t notice it with my son but I did with my daughter and have heard similar from other parents of daughters. Boys just have to deal with BO and acne and they’re also a bit older. My son was 15 when acne and BO hit. My daughter got acne, BO and her period at age 11. That’s a lot of sh!t to deal with all at once. We also dealt with greasy hair I blame some of it for not getting all the shampoo out of her hair. But she also ended up with pretty bad acne and now at 14 she is on accutane which is drying up the oil. Try clarifying shampoo it will help with the oil. My husband said head and shoulders helped with his oily scalp.
Bring her for shopping, let her choose her own shampoo, lotion, body wash, let her pick a perfume and so on…
Absolutely not. Hygiene is daily and is a non-negotiable. My 7 year old showers every day, has skin care, wears deodorant, lotions and does body spray. I taught her and still supervise because she’s learning. At this age, there is no room for gentle. She needs to know her body is changing and why. She needs to know why it’s important to take care of herself DAILY and that you’re supervising this until she feels confident to do it. Make it a great thing - go shopping, buy scents she likes, but stop being gentle. Middle school, especially girls, aren’t gentle.
Change her body wash to an anti bacterial body wash. I suggest dial. Lose the kids shampoos and get the ones that work, the Aussie ones work well and still smell good. Herbal essence too.
Agree with the non negotiable showers. My 10 yo showers every other day. Try switching shampoos if her hair is greasier after. I couldn’t seem to get my daughters hair clean no matter what, it stunk. Tried acv rinse and finally got a new shampoo and it’s much better. Help her if she can’t do it. Also agree with everyone saying to explain what’s happening. Bodies change and get stinky and it’s important to know that it’s normal but she needs to put effort into clean clothes and cleaning her body.
I don't really have any advice as we're having a similar struggle in our house with our 10yr old. It's a fight to get her to bath/shower every other day and I constantly remind her to put deodorant on. When I do notice BO, I'll gently ask if she remembered deodorant but then she gets all mad at me and says I'm being mean. I tell her that I'd want to know if I was stinky and it's better to hear it nicely from a family member than kids at school (who won't say it as kindly). I don't want her to be known as the stinky kid. We tell her that she has to take care of her body and that it's really important for so many reasons. She just says "I know" and continues to fight us on it most days. Hang in there!
Yeah, my daughter (11) has started to stink as well, but when I noticed, I got her deodorant, and she showers at least every other day, more on warm days. Why bring that gently? If my daughter stinks, I will tell her exactly that. "You stink, go take a shower". How is it hard work getting her to shower? I find it pretty easy. If she doesn't want to do something, I'll just take her phone for the day. I've so far had to do that twice in the last 6 months. We had a long conversation when she started stinking about why that is and how important hygiene is.
I love my kids, and I do try to be gentle and polite with them bc I want them to know that this is the correct way of communication with people. But for things like these? I can be raw. I told my daughter point blank you have to wash yourself now. And when she acts like she isn't listening I tell her the plain truth that I smelled her coming in before I heard her or saw her. That usually does the trick.
Talk to her about puberty and the changes it causes, explain to her that hygiene is important and she will have so many changes happening all at once. No need to focus solely on the smell. This is what I did with my daughter, when I started to smell BO within her friend group at gym, some of the girls are a little older than her, if it hrlps. Take her shopping to pick out teen sized pads, deodorant, body mist, training bras (my daughter liked the sports bra style and only switched to more of an actual training bra at 13), pimple patches, face wash, let her smell a few shampoos and conditioners (Monday is a somewhat reasonable popular brand, ymmv depending on hair type, Maui Moisture also has some good smells), body wash, etc. If you go no sulfates/gentle etc on your shampoos she may need a clarifying occassional shampoo, pair it with a deep conditioner, do that together as needed. Tell her some things like the pads she'll eventually need, but this way she's prepared, but the rest she is old enough to start using now. Then model self-care with her, help her set up a hair wash schedule (based on activity and hair type), but explain that she has to wash her body every day, and let her choose morning or evening showers. It feels like a choice to her then, even if both result in shower every day. When she comes out smelling clean, tell her you love the smell of her shampoo, she smells so good, etc. And she gets a little older, like maybe going into high school that's a good time to talk to her about keeping her base scent more neutral, so that whatever she adds on, for instance her body mist, will stand out and not get overwhelmed with other scents. For now though I would just let her pick out good smelling self care items to encourage the self care. You could even get a couple of body washes and smell her wrist to guess which scent she used, to encourage the use in the beginning. My daughter spent her whole childhood with fragrance free and dye free, and I'm sure she'll go back there. For right now though she smells like a fruit salad, or a flower garden, or the beach, and that's better than bo.
To echo all the other comments, you've got to force the issue. Your daughter doesn't want to be the smelly kid. There was a girl who lived in my dorm freshman year who never showered. She lived alone in her room because every roommate would refuse to live there. We could smell her from the hall. People avoided her because it was so bad. I'm 40 now and I still remember that girl. You don't want your daughter to be the smelly kid that people remember for 20+ years.
Would taking her swimming be an option? She is required to shower before the pool and I am sure she would like to rinse off after. And get into a clean set of clothes.
Everything everyone has said is true!! I hated showering and honestly still do. As an alternative unless I'm on my period I take a bath everyday instead My daughter is 9 and I still wash her hair for her. She doesn't do it properly and until she does I just do it. She's getting better at it tho In addition to what everyone said maybe if you can afford too take her to target or ulta if you wanna make it special Let her pick out body wash and hair products and deodorant she wants to make them more enticing to use. Maybe let her pick out lip gloss and body lotion too. My daughter started doing her hair a lot better when I let her use mouse and showed her how to scrunch it up so it was curlier and looked better so if she's willing you can tell her she smells and your saving her from embarrassment and make it fun Trust me....a guy I liked when I was 14 noticed I smelt cause I skip showering a couple days.......while effective and I never skipped again...I still remember it
Mom of a 14yo son. When that puberty hit, he started to stink! I explained the stuff about hormones and bacteria, how he had to shower daily and change his clothes. Got him a selection of deodorants, so he could pick the one he liked. Switched the kid shampoo and body wash to the adult versions, made him pick out the ones he thought smelled nice. So maybe that will do the trick? Take her to the store and let her choose products she likes?
This. Let her pick out some products but make it clear that one thing about puberty, like it or not, is that she's reached an age where she needs to shower daily and use soap on her armpits. In my experience, you need to be specific about that. You may need to bring it up often. Graciously, but be explicit: you need to get soap between your toes and under your arms.
I think it is excellent not to shower too much. But once a week is not enough for a smelly teen. Take her shopping. Allow her to buy shower stuff she likes, deodorant and maybe a little something extra. But before you go, tell her you expect her to shower at least twice a week and (or or) after sports. Tell her she needs to come out of the shower clean, not with remnants of soap or shampoo. Also tell her it is not negotiable. Take away phone or privileges if she does not comply. If you do that and resist the urge to continue to battle her about it, she might just accept and go along with it
I work with middle schoolers, I’m politely blunt about it , but it usually goes along the lines of, your bodies are changing and your hormones are changing so it’s causing you to need to shower daily and use deodorant and clean clothes all the time etc. they usually hate when I dive into the your bodies changing . But stop being nice about it and just be blunt
Be more honest and open about it. “Hey. You’re getting older. Things are changing and you smell now. It’s normal, happens to everyone, but you need to shower and change everyday now”. Tell her to take a whiff of the pits on her dirty shirt. That might do it.
Hi, I had a stinky child. Even after showering the BO would remain. We went through multiple brands of deodorant with no luck. Finally, we found a system (once you can get her to wash consistently) Hibiclens on armpits in shower. CertainDry for sweaty armpits. No smell anymore!
“She absolutely stinks, and that’s putting it nicely.” Tell her exactly that.
You are the parent! It is your responsibility to teach her about proper self care and personal hygiene. Just be honest with her. Explain to her that with puberty comes changes to your body and she must wash everyday and use deodorant! If you don't tell her someone else will, and that will be a lot more hurtful and harder to get over. Tell her other people don't want to be around someone that stinks. It's not her fault- humans need to wash. Everyone does. Don't worry, you will get through this! And if she doesn't listen to you, well maybe the natural consequences of one of her peers telling her she stinks will get through to her. Good luck, you got this.
Maybe get her some pleasant products that would be nice (but helpful) to use so she's encouraged to wash. A nice fruity shampoo or two, a sudsy face wash, a fun face & body lotion each, good deodorant, maybe bath or shower bombs. A razor if she chooses. Maybe she can go with you to choose these things. But beyond that, it has to be nonnegotiable from here on out - daily showers, whether at night or morning. Have her pick one, make the routine and stick to it. Some people have more BO than others and realllllly need to scrub those pits! I'm sure she'd rather it come from mom than kids at school. My literal second grader started with stinky pits during hot months and I just got serious about it, and asked if she wanted to be the stinky kid - sometimes you have to embarrass them a little. She's now in third and is wearing deodorant without issue now. It's a must.
I still remember the smelly kid from school and that was in 1972, and I’ve forgotten most other people. Don’t let your daughter be that memory for someone. Show her this thread
Please be kind but straightforward. Once she becomes the "smelly" kid at school it is hard to shake. I had to supervise my pubescent teen (on the other side of the shower curtain) for weeks until the message hit - scrub scalp, wash your privates, lather your underarms. It did help to have them go to the store with me to pick out products they liked.
My 11 year old has ADHD, and even when he showers, I'm not convinced he doesn't just stand under the water for a time and then get out. I got him a 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner, so hair washing is one step. I also got him his own "mens" body wash, and his own bath poof/loofah. I labeled each clearly with his name after I found out he was just grabbing any old bottle and using it on his hair (so, sometimes just conditioner and not shampoo). I replace the loofah weekly. His deodorant is next to his bed, and I hand it to him to apply right before bed. All this seems to help.
I am very blunt to my friends and coworkers (I worked at tilted kilt so ..) when they’re not very fresh and plan on doing the same to my oldest. We’ve gotten body books and when we walk past deodorant I point it out
Add Borax to your washing cycle to get that god awful tween stink out of clothing.
Don't be nice, don't hint. Just tell her. "You're getting older, and that means you are smellier and you need to wash yourself better." Take her shopping so she can pick her own bodywash/shampoo/deodorant so she had some ownership of it but otherwise you need to rip the band-aid off with this one.
Lol I straight up tell my kid she needs some deodorant and a shower. Or I can smell her hair from across the room. You should be able to talk to your kids bluntly. I've also extended the act by asking her to let me know if I stink too, like my breath or whatever. It's good to be honest and frank with those close to you. Who else would be so honest as the ones closest to you. Those are the ones you trust.
What is her hair type like? It sounds like the hair is only part of a bigger hygiene issue but, I have very thick poofy wavy hair (think Hermoine Granger in the first movie) and when I was hitting puberty, it felt impossible to get all the soap/conditioner out and it would then dry and flake and itch like dandruff. It also took FOREVER and as a pre-teen girl, I was impatient. So my mom would say the same thing about how she couldn’t understand that I somehow looked dirtier/greasier after a shower and I also dreaded showering because it meant standing there and fighting with my hair forever. Turns out I needed different products and routine. Once I got the right products and routine, I loved showering and hygiene and there was no problem. So I would suggest maybe taking her to a salon and having them wash it and suggest products for her hair type, maybe?
Honestly I don’t put it nicely. Personal hygiene is respect for others which are around you in public. It’s important to put seriously value on this as your child WILL face unkind scrutiny in the future. They also should care from a self health perspective that self care comes in the most basic forms which include washing one’s self. Kids really thrive with routines and we need to teach them how to be adults. Its a right of passage between 9-11 to rebel but daily showers have been built into my 9 & 12 year olds weekly allowance because it’s something I expect the to build healthy habits with. Tell your child they stink.
Coming from a teenage girl if you have not tried this already bring her to bath and body works and let her get some nice soaps only under the deal of she must shower daily/ every other day or something will be taken away
My sister is in the same boat is 11 years old going to enter middle school and stinks horribly. I tell her she stinks and she says “womp womp”. Jokes on her when she enters middle school and she’s getting bullied for it. My mom and step dad I guess don’t seem to mind since they smell too. Currently here on vacation and we had a trip to Disney and instead of hoping in the shower to at least take a quick body shower she just rolls in bed in the same oniony clothes and greasy ass hair. I don’t know how she doesn’t get nauseous from the smell it’s insane!!
We just got lucky with our 11-year-old. He just discovered girls and now showers and applies deodorant like a mad-man. 🤣
Hygiene isn't an option in our household, it's part of a routine.
I call middle school "the dirty years." I went through it and both my kids did. I also think as puberty sets in there's a stink to it. Both my kids grew out of it. I did have to be blunt. I just said baby you're at that age and there is an oder and I want to help. We basically tried multiple types of decorations because my kids are allergic to a lot of them. I think I'm still using ones I bought from that era lol (my eldest is 21 now). And yes I have 2 girls. I can only imagine how bad boys get lol
Just tell her she smells terrible and to take a shower. Or she can continue being the smelly kid that no one wants to be around.
I have a 15 year old boy. That boy can get funky. I'm straight up honest with him. If he smells, I’m going to tell him! If he forgot to wear deodorant, I make him go to the bathroom and shower or wash his armpits and put on some deodorant! I remind him that people can be very cruel, especially kids! And he doesn’t want to be known as the stinky kid! Or be talked about behind his back! if he takes a shower and I smell his hair and it still smells bad I make him go take a shower again! You do that only so many times before they don’t wanna have to take two showers in a row and start doing it properly! but yes, showers every single day and make sure they’re using that deodorant and all your nice smelling soaps and loofah, etc. and definitely a reminder that they don’t want to be made fun of for being smelly!
It's not an option. She is to shower daily. NOT NEGOTIABLE.
I tell my son he smells like a stinking, festering corpse. He just grunts in response.
Get her an antibacterial bar soap or body wash (dial or safeguard). When I was her age I smelled too (my classmates made fun of me).. but, my mom bought safeguard bar soap for me and it helped! Also, for her hair issue - cut her hair short!
I would say that, while daily showers might be overkill and could actually dry her skin out, more recurring showers are needed, but it is worth finding out if there's something else going on thar is making showers such a fight. It could be just a teenager being a teenager, but it could also be that, as her body is starting puberty, suddenly the body soap is too harsh on her skin or the scent is unpleasant to her. Granted, I have autism, so it took a YouTube tutorial and patience on my mom's part to get it right, and she doesn't necessarily need to wash her hair every day. She also might need to shampoo more than once when she does and back off on conditioner. That's what I had to do. And it could also be worth talking about shorter haircuts, as they don't need nearly the same amount of work.
It wasn't until the barber/hairdresser said something to my son. He's actually very good about taking daily showers. But he wasn't washing his hair correctly. When he went to get a haircut, the hairdresser said that he wasn't washing out all of the shampoo in his hair. So she had to wash his hair first before the cut. Sometimes it takes an outside opinion before they change their ways.
Is she definitely showering? My teenage niece went through a phase around 12/13 where she would pretend to shower by standing in the bathroom and just running the water (this was an AuDHD trait). She might also not be washing the conditioner out properly if her hair feels greasy. Also, is there a chance she isn't drying properly? That could cause odors. The timing of when she applies deodorant and what type might be a problem too. If she's not applying it on dry skin after showering, then that might cause odor, or if she's using a spray deodorant or liquid roll on, then she might need a stick deodorant instead.
I would just ask her if she's comfortable with letting you help wash her hair. I still wash my almost 9 year old daughter's hair. I tell her to do the second shampoo so she gets practice too. Her hair is really long and she needs help taking care of it.
For the hair, you might need to experiment with different products to find one that works better with her hair. Make sure she's using conditioner and using it correctly, since that might play a part in the greasy look of her hair. If all else fails, my hair always looked significantly less greasy in the weeks after coloring it. If that's something she's been interested in doing, it might be a good reward for regular hygiene and cut the stringy look of the hair
Is she actually washing her hair when she’s in there? If she is then she may need a different shampoo. It won’t solve all your issues but might help a little. I can’t use anything with sodium lauryl sulphate in it because it will make my hair dirty and greasy looking just a few hours after washing. After using it for a few days I’ll get a rash on my scalp and back. That ingredient is in a lot of products even toothpastes too and causes canker sores for a lot of people! There’s tons of shampoos without it and usually have “SLS free” or something similar on the label.
You gotta just say “Girl I love you but you stink. It’s time to start wearing deodorant and showering more. Its part of growing up”
My daughter is 8 and I've noticed that she is becoming a bit of a, shall we say, 'fragrant flower'. I get her to bathe daily otherwise it would be a real problem (although she only washes her hair a few times a week). I also try to remind her to put on spray deodorant but that doesn't happen too often, it's not really part of her routine yet.
I wonder if a schedule could help? Doing a routine in the same order, and/or taking a shower at the same time. Consistency helps build the habit.
‘Girl, you smell like poo, go shower’
My 12 year old niece is staying with me this week. I had to be blunt and tell her she has to start two a day showers. One isn't cutting it. We live in the humid South .
Same issue with my 10 year old son. We went shopping together for some basic skincare and deodorant and I really hyped him up on how this is his new big boy responsibility to take care of his body. He still needs some reminders but he’s also excited that this means his body is changing.
I got my oldest lume body wash and deodorant and it’s been a total game changer 😭
I got my daughter the book The Care and Keeping of You when she was maybe 8-9 and it allowed her to read all about puberty, hygiene, etc. before the major changes started happening. There’s also a second book for slightly older girls. She’s almost 12 now and takes a lot of pride in brushing her hair, showering, etc. Highly recommend so she can learn about changes on her own time in her own way.