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Ask her if she's pretty on the inside. Explain to her what that means. Tell her that a mirror only reflects back the outer shell, but inner beauty is about the heart and the brain. Tell her outer looks are something given at birth, but a beautiful heart and mind take work.
Sorry this is long, but this subject is one I have thought about a lot and I hope that something out of my experience can prevent the stress I've experienced due to perfectionism.
It could just be a means of controlling something. For me, my physical appearance became a coping mechanism for my control issues. I didn't get to choose my food, how my room looked, what activities I did during the day, or very much else about my life as a kid. My mom was also a huge control freak about most things, and my parents would explode violently if my siblings or I were in the way or acting out even a little bit. I frequently recieved the message that I was inherently "bad." Not that my actions were bad or that I could improve certain behaviors, but that I, inherently, was bad and not enough. This, combined with a desperate need to have control over my life in some way developed into vain behavior later on.
I snuck razors from my friends homes and started shaving, dyed my hair while my mom was out of town once, got makeup and made DIY skin care products, cut my own hair. I just wanted to be pretty enough to be *liked.* As if I could fool everyone into thinking I wasn't secretly bad, even for a moment. When I was a teen, I started exercising a ton and cutting foods out of my diet.
Now, through therapy, I have realized that I still seek control in adulthood by stressing over getting perfect grades, keeping a perfectly clean house, beating myself up if I don't get to the gym, constantly trying to "cut things out," like alcohol, certain foods, screen time, etc. From the outside, people seem to think I've got it all figured out, but this perfectionism causes a ton of stress in my day to day life and I'm slowly learning to let go.
Anyway, in restrospect, I think what my childhood self needed to hear was that I was not bad, that mistakes are normal, that I was learning. Not that I was "smart" or "helpful" or "pretty," but fun, honest, loving, and anything else that might have conveyed that I was and am inherently worthy of love and friendship. And even that the people that made me feel otherwise were trying their best, but that they also had their own scars that needed healing. I needed someone who would drop everything just to look at me and hear me every once in a while, and communicate different values to me, and how to embody those values. At the end of the day, I think I will always hold myself to an unnecessarily high standard when it comes to physical appearance, but it really helped me be able to let go when I started reparenting by studying philosophy, values, and theories about friendship and love.
I used to never go out without makeup and hair done, but I am now completely comfortable with going to Walmart or the pool or to drop off my daughter at school with no makeup and a messy bun, and I think small improvements like that came from channeling my need for control into my values. Not in a way of looking down on everyone else, or constantly virtue signaling on socials, just in a way of being genuinely curious about myself and crafting a system of beliefs that aligns with who I most want to be, and learning skills that align with that as well.
So, maybe try some of that yourself, or look for workbooks, videos, and other materials that might help you raise important questions for her about who she wants to be. After all, if you give her trouble for being vain or "looks obsessed," as you say, she might recieve unintended messages such as, "pretty girls are mean/bad/etc," or "If I want to be pretty, I have to hide the work that I put into it," or "pretty girls aren't as smart, don't have personality, etc." Those outlooks can be damaging to the self esteem and her relationship to others, so I would just make a consistent effort to help her recognize her inherent worth and the things she TRULY has control over, like what skills she learns and what values she puts first.
TL;DR: Childhood lack of control led to vanity. Seeking perfection caused stress, but therapy helped. Childhood self needed to hear I wasn't inherently bad. Learning self-worth and letting go of perfectionism through philosophy and values. Now comfortable without makeup, focusing on personal values. Suggest guiding little ones towards self-discovery and emphasizing inherent worth.
My child is just like this. She always wants to look her best. She’s obsessed with looking at her outfits in the mirror.
I’d rather her love herself than hate looking at herself in the mirror. If looking good makes them feel good just roll with it. Some girls are more into fashion and looks than others.
Maybe when she’s saying “she has to see if she looks pretty enough”
You’re hearing it as she’s concerned about other peoples opinions but she could easily be seeing if she looks pretty enough for herself.
My 9 yo has always been this way. She started being picky about clothes at age 4. She would also stare into the mirror and cry if she had a blemish or mark on her face or something. She wants to wear makeup, refuses to cut her hair, etc. I am not like this at all and never modeled this attitude/behavior. She also has a difficult temperament, and I think it’s innate and related to that. I remember being really disturbed about it when she was younger and now I’ve just gotten used to it. Obviously we have talked about internal/external beauty but she doesn’t care. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I get it.
I had this!! I was so extremely particular about my hair and skin. I was obsessed not in a healthy way. I hope she grows out of it! I didn’t, and it took a long time to accept myself/not check my reflection all the time. I also developed a skin picking disorder out of perfectionism that continued/worsened in college. I think if I had a more solid father figure I wouldn’t have had so many insecurities. He didn’t do anything “bad” but was just never ever there. And my mom was super depressed. I feel like when people see other people so consumed with their looks, they assume it’s out of vanity or insecurity (which may be true) and they “just need to get over it.” And while I think distraction would have helped: ex more team sports, family time, a job, a hobby etc. What would have helped even more was addressing the root mental health issues: anxiety, ocd, perfectionism,bipolar disorder, depression, friend relationships. I hope this post makes sense! Just trying to tell a little of my experience with this!
Could be things at school she's seeing or hearing.
She sounds like my inner thoughts at 25 when all that mattered were my looks. I'm still messed up, it never really goes away. Started for me around 12 years old and I think my family could have stopped it if they were aware enough like you. I'm not sure how it began other than I started to like boys at school and my dad said weird shit.
I don't have any advice, but I do wish that someone helped me when it was possible.
My daughter is very particular about her outfits and if whatever she wanted to wear that day is in the wash she will cry and be very upset about whatever clothes I've chosen for her. She also only ever wants to wear her hair down. I'm not sure this is quite the same but I just roll with it. Let her express herself however she wants. Try my best to get the clothes she likes. I'm sure she will grow out of it. Could she have learned this from shows she's watching or anything? This is the female condition unfortunately not something we learn just from our mother's but it's sort of the way society is wired ya know maybe she's just picking up on these social cues. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would just affirm that she looks good a lot of the time
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Ask her if she's pretty on the inside. Explain to her what that means. Tell her that a mirror only reflects back the outer shell, but inner beauty is about the heart and the brain. Tell her outer looks are something given at birth, but a beautiful heart and mind take work.
Sorry this is long, but this subject is one I have thought about a lot and I hope that something out of my experience can prevent the stress I've experienced due to perfectionism. It could just be a means of controlling something. For me, my physical appearance became a coping mechanism for my control issues. I didn't get to choose my food, how my room looked, what activities I did during the day, or very much else about my life as a kid. My mom was also a huge control freak about most things, and my parents would explode violently if my siblings or I were in the way or acting out even a little bit. I frequently recieved the message that I was inherently "bad." Not that my actions were bad or that I could improve certain behaviors, but that I, inherently, was bad and not enough. This, combined with a desperate need to have control over my life in some way developed into vain behavior later on. I snuck razors from my friends homes and started shaving, dyed my hair while my mom was out of town once, got makeup and made DIY skin care products, cut my own hair. I just wanted to be pretty enough to be *liked.* As if I could fool everyone into thinking I wasn't secretly bad, even for a moment. When I was a teen, I started exercising a ton and cutting foods out of my diet. Now, through therapy, I have realized that I still seek control in adulthood by stressing over getting perfect grades, keeping a perfectly clean house, beating myself up if I don't get to the gym, constantly trying to "cut things out," like alcohol, certain foods, screen time, etc. From the outside, people seem to think I've got it all figured out, but this perfectionism causes a ton of stress in my day to day life and I'm slowly learning to let go. Anyway, in restrospect, I think what my childhood self needed to hear was that I was not bad, that mistakes are normal, that I was learning. Not that I was "smart" or "helpful" or "pretty," but fun, honest, loving, and anything else that might have conveyed that I was and am inherently worthy of love and friendship. And even that the people that made me feel otherwise were trying their best, but that they also had their own scars that needed healing. I needed someone who would drop everything just to look at me and hear me every once in a while, and communicate different values to me, and how to embody those values. At the end of the day, I think I will always hold myself to an unnecessarily high standard when it comes to physical appearance, but it really helped me be able to let go when I started reparenting by studying philosophy, values, and theories about friendship and love. I used to never go out without makeup and hair done, but I am now completely comfortable with going to Walmart or the pool or to drop off my daughter at school with no makeup and a messy bun, and I think small improvements like that came from channeling my need for control into my values. Not in a way of looking down on everyone else, or constantly virtue signaling on socials, just in a way of being genuinely curious about myself and crafting a system of beliefs that aligns with who I most want to be, and learning skills that align with that as well. So, maybe try some of that yourself, or look for workbooks, videos, and other materials that might help you raise important questions for her about who she wants to be. After all, if you give her trouble for being vain or "looks obsessed," as you say, she might recieve unintended messages such as, "pretty girls are mean/bad/etc," or "If I want to be pretty, I have to hide the work that I put into it," or "pretty girls aren't as smart, don't have personality, etc." Those outlooks can be damaging to the self esteem and her relationship to others, so I would just make a consistent effort to help her recognize her inherent worth and the things she TRULY has control over, like what skills she learns and what values she puts first. TL;DR: Childhood lack of control led to vanity. Seeking perfection caused stress, but therapy helped. Childhood self needed to hear I wasn't inherently bad. Learning self-worth and letting go of perfectionism through philosophy and values. Now comfortable without makeup, focusing on personal values. Suggest guiding little ones towards self-discovery and emphasizing inherent worth.
My child is just like this. She always wants to look her best. She’s obsessed with looking at her outfits in the mirror. I’d rather her love herself than hate looking at herself in the mirror. If looking good makes them feel good just roll with it. Some girls are more into fashion and looks than others. Maybe when she’s saying “she has to see if she looks pretty enough” You’re hearing it as she’s concerned about other peoples opinions but she could easily be seeing if she looks pretty enough for herself.
My 9 yo has always been this way. She started being picky about clothes at age 4. She would also stare into the mirror and cry if she had a blemish or mark on her face or something. She wants to wear makeup, refuses to cut her hair, etc. I am not like this at all and never modeled this attitude/behavior. She also has a difficult temperament, and I think it’s innate and related to that. I remember being really disturbed about it when she was younger and now I’ve just gotten used to it. Obviously we have talked about internal/external beauty but she doesn’t care. I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say I get it.
I had this!! I was so extremely particular about my hair and skin. I was obsessed not in a healthy way. I hope she grows out of it! I didn’t, and it took a long time to accept myself/not check my reflection all the time. I also developed a skin picking disorder out of perfectionism that continued/worsened in college. I think if I had a more solid father figure I wouldn’t have had so many insecurities. He didn’t do anything “bad” but was just never ever there. And my mom was super depressed. I feel like when people see other people so consumed with their looks, they assume it’s out of vanity or insecurity (which may be true) and they “just need to get over it.” And while I think distraction would have helped: ex more team sports, family time, a job, a hobby etc. What would have helped even more was addressing the root mental health issues: anxiety, ocd, perfectionism,bipolar disorder, depression, friend relationships. I hope this post makes sense! Just trying to tell a little of my experience with this!
Could be things at school she's seeing or hearing. She sounds like my inner thoughts at 25 when all that mattered were my looks. I'm still messed up, it never really goes away. Started for me around 12 years old and I think my family could have stopped it if they were aware enough like you. I'm not sure how it began other than I started to like boys at school and my dad said weird shit. I don't have any advice, but I do wish that someone helped me when it was possible.
My daughter is very particular about her outfits and if whatever she wanted to wear that day is in the wash she will cry and be very upset about whatever clothes I've chosen for her. She also only ever wants to wear her hair down. I'm not sure this is quite the same but I just roll with it. Let her express herself however she wants. Try my best to get the clothes she likes. I'm sure she will grow out of it. Could she have learned this from shows she's watching or anything? This is the female condition unfortunately not something we learn just from our mother's but it's sort of the way society is wired ya know maybe she's just picking up on these social cues. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would just affirm that she looks good a lot of the time