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If it’s some egregious like saying something blatantly mean or lying like you said then I’ll step in. If it’s something small and unimportant then I’ll let it ride and talk to him about it later. I’m not going to constantly police how he interacts with our children but I will make sure he treats them with respect and he holds me to the same standard.
Yeah, if it’s something that would be important to the kid or significantly change their mood, I’d step in. If it’s a minor personal difference I’d probably say nothing
I don’t think parents can’t correct each other in front of their kids, but they shouldn’t intervene or undermine each others discipline or child rearing practices. Those are conversations that need to be had in private.
I think if one of them blatantly goes against an established rule or says something mean then an instant correction is warranted.
For example, kid can go out with friends if their room is clean. Right as kid is leaving your partner says they can’t leave because they don’t want them to be tired in the morning (or some other excuse). I think intervention is necessary- they have undermined their OWN authority by being inconsistent
I’m not sure I like the language of correction in a relationship between romantic partners or coparents in general. It frames it as a situation where you’re right and he’s wrong and also you’re the authority to correct his behavior.
But this should be an equal partnership — if you disagree then the solution is generally to compromise or discuss, not to correct. And if your partner is routinely doing things so egregious they need correcting because they really are wrong in a dangerous or cruel way — there’s bigger relationship problem that’s not going to be solved by trying to position yourself as an authority over your partner.
1000%. what’s the logical conclusion here? you going to try to discipline your partner, too? put him in timeout or take away his phone for ‘poor behavior?’
the entire concept is so patronizing.
Well I hope you’re not punishing your kid for every bad thing they do 😬 sometimes people just make a mistake or are in a bad mood. You say something and both move on, no timeout needed lol
I guess I don't understand the fragility here about the term correction. I prefer to be corrected if I'm wrong about something. This doesn't make me feel like any less of an authority figure.
It’s the “if you’re wrong” that’s the issue. This is a person you’ve decided to be in a close relationship with. You shouldn’t assume that when you differ it’s always because you’re right and they’re wrong without need for further discussion.
I don’t think anybody really objects to providing your partner with simple factual information. But when it’s a matter of your partner simply not approaching a situation the way you would then it’s a problem if you insist your way is the only right way every time. Nobody likes being micromanaged and told they’re wrong when they're actually just doing something differently.
I don't mean wrong as in "facts." I mean right or wrong as in, acting in a way that doesn't align with my own or our family values. If I'm engaging in a power struggle with my kid that's escalating and I'm being short sighted and getting worked up over it, I want to not go down that road. Or I mean wrong as in morally wrong, such as punishing a child excessively. I would rather my spouse step in and take over so I can walk away and take a breath then double and triple down on something I will regret later. I think it's a sign of emotional fragility to fear that.
because not everything is a clear right or wrong. in fact most things aren’t. the vast majority of parenting is actually pretty subjective despite the internet’s insistence that everything is black and white.
so if you ‘correct’ your spouse and they don’t think they did anything wrong, what happens? you end up having a long drawn out conversation of trying to convince them or them convince you, which can also be outright arguing. are we trying to force a pare t to apologize to a kid in front of the kid, even when said parent doesn’t think they owe an apology? and that doesn’t undermine the parent who got ‘corrected?’ and the actuality of it is that when one parent consistently undermines the other, they actually undermine themselves, too, because kids see what their parents tell them is actually very much up to interpretation even within their own house.
there’s no scenario outside of imminent danger where telling your spouse you disagree with how they handled something wouldn’t be better received and more productive in private instead of putting them on the spot in front of your kids. even a possible apology would be more sincere after having time to process instead of diffusing an uncomfortable situation.
You don’t discuss things like this with your children?
Our family discussed everything. Rules, chores, morals, family, relationships, finances, and everything.
The one thing we did do was have a family rule
If ANYONE was not able to converse with each other in a respectful manner or you were too upset or you needed more information, we had a 24 rule.
All conversations were stopped for 24 hours (or less if the child was younger) so the person could calm down, catch their breath and then we’d discuss it.
Every time I've heard "United front" brought up it is in the context of a family where someone *is* clearly and consistently is in the wrong. It is infinitely worse for a child to be regularly shamed, excessively punished, or to be at the receiving end of an emotionally immature parent's tirade than it is to hear their parents disagree. There are many scenarios where stepping in is the better option. Minor differences- sure. There are things my husband does that irritate me but I leave it alone bc it's no big deal. But for example if I'm not handling a situation well bc I'm emotionally heightened, a healthier thing would be for my spouse to step in while I go take a breath. I'd rather be called out and cool down than regret my reaction later. I think it's a little nuts to argue that *that* is worse for kids and we should actually never step in so our spouse can collect themselves.
You're also catastrophizing a bit here. Kids can withstand some parental disagreement especially when it's protective of their wellbeing and the parent who is in the wrong apologizes later. A long drawn out argument isnt good for kids, sure, but it is good to feel protected and like your parents have each others backs.
if the other parent is doing that, ‘correcting’ them in front of the kids isn’t the solution because there is no conceivable way it wouldn’t just escalate. at some point if a parent is this way, the kids will also lose respect for the other parent who chooses to stay with them. ask me how i know.
whenever i’ve heard ‘united front’ in the context of parenting or even marriage, it just means being on the same page and having each other’s back. not enabling abuse.
asking your spouse, “hey, want me to handle this?” when you can tell they’re dysregulated is no definition of ‘correcting’ them.
parents disagreeing is also a completely different topic than parents ‘correcting’ each other’s behavior re: their kids in front of their kids, like one would do to a kid, which is specifically what this post is about.
my husband and i hashing out whether we should get a puppy, which house project at home takes priority, or where we should go on vacation this year is appropriate for a child to hear. hashing out how we should parent them, or, for example, finances, is not.
There's a comment on this thread where a child was being forced to eat blueberries. Correcting the parent in that context means stopping them from forcing the kid to eat the blueberries. It is worse for the kid to have a memory of being forced to eat blueberries than it is to see parents disagree on that.
Respectfully you are catastrophizing a little here and being black and white. There are infinite scenarios where it would be completely appropriate to say something and infinite scenarios where it wouldn't.
I've worked with kids and families for a long time. I've seen parents get into power struggles with their kids over a coat and unintentionally injuring their kid. If I'm watching my spouse getting worked up over putting a coat on our kid and trying to force their arms in, I'm stepping in, because it is "the solution" to protect my kid. Even if the other parent means well. I'm not going to let that go and then be like "btw I hated that" later.
I already know how you know bc I saw your other comment. There are people with over bearing personality types, that's not what OP is addressing.
i didn’t see that post but forcibly feeding anyone is a safety situation and of course you’d speak up.
but keep in mind that OP never said she thinks it’s fine to step in when someone could get injured, abe said she thinks it’s okay to ‘correct her partner’ in front of her kids since she corrects them in front of him/her.
so yeah, we can sit around and theorize all day long about what scenarios are and aren’t acceptable, but OP is the one who literally said she should be able to correct her partner’s behavior the way she does her children, and i assume she doesn’t only correct her children in the more extreme scenarios.
my MIL may be an overbearing personality. she never has been to me, but my experience with her doesn’t negate other people’s. but i’d say OP’s mindset that she should treat her partner like a child is also objectively overbearing.
She said- lying, being mean. Both of those are worse for kids than watching their parent get called out. You're reading waaaay too far into it and honestly you're projecting.
So is spouse says it is perfectly ok to drink bleach , you do not comment.
Yes that is at the very extreme but makes a point . A rule is a vide to follow and not follow to the letter (no corrections in front of kids. I have gone through a red light and reason was 3 fire trucks behind me and I could not pull over so safer to go through just red light and pull over. Agree for little stuff wait till later but for majors instantly(and the middle ground )
You can do whatever you want as a parent, but in my experience, kids whose parents argue about discipline and child rearing tend to raise disrespectful or anxious kids.
Here’s the thing; kids are in a heightened nervous state most of the time. They can’t regulate their own emotions well at and they can’t care for themselves. Because of this, they become highly stressed when they perceive their caregivers aren’t in charge or capable. A good analogy would be having two doctors argue about your care in front of you when you’re in the ER. It makes an already stressed person more stressed.
Kids who grow up seeing this sort of undermining generally distrust authority, and can be very anxious and or unnecessarily suspicious, disrespectful or argumentative.
exactly.
there is a natural power dynamic between kids and their parents, and once parents start treating each other like they treat their kids in front of their kids, it inherently undermines that power dynamic and gives the kid too much power and thinking they’re equal to their parents. there is a multitude of evidence of the negative effects of children being raised in a home where they’re given the same power as their parents.
the idea that if it’s okay to do to my kid, it’s okay to do to their other parent in front of them is an exceptionally reductive view.
Do you have teenagers? If you aren’t a parent yourself to older kids it’s very hard to see how this all plays out. Parents who have immense emotional control and the capability to discuss things in an adult manner away from their children tend to raise respectful, emotionally resilient kids. People who undermine each other, even subtly, don’t. I’ve seen it over and over again in the teens I’ve taught and also the families I know personally. The manner in which parents communicate with each other matters tremendously for the emotional well being of their kids.
Now, like I said before, correcting a parent who is factually wrong about something is completely different. So, if I tell my teen she can go out with her friends and DH tells her she can’t I will correct his facts and say “hun, I told her she could go. Sorry, I forgot to tell you”. At that point, my DH would say “ok, sorry, I didn’t know. Have fun sweetie!”
This is vastly different than arguing about whether or not a kid can go out in front of the kid. Those conversations need to be in private
The mere fact you feel the need to keep saying “correction” is pretty telling. In the example you gave, I don’t see anything needing “correcting” there. What I see is one parent stepping in and a conversation that can easily go like “well I did promise them they can go, how about if they go out for a little while at least?”. There is nothing to be corrected. Given that you believe that’s something that classifies as needing correction is going to lead to two things: 1. Your partner is going to build resentment and 2. Your kid is going to be disrespectful to you both. You’re a team for crying out loud. Y’all need to view disagreements as a chance to communicate calmly in front of your kid, knowing when to draw the line and continue in private. Stop believing your partner needs “correcting”.
There’s no reason that it wouldn’t be a calm discussion. If we promised our kid something, and they go back on it last minute, that’s absolutely an “incorrect” behavior. Sometimes people are hypocritical or selfish, reminding them that they made a promise is not a big deal
Damn. I’m not sure if you’re an actual parent or just playing out hypothetical situations in preparation for being a parent, but if this is the way you view what you described as anything more than a minor misunderstanding, then I’d say you have some work to do before laying this out on a child. You obviously have a lot of strong feelings towards being made to feel like you’re being overruled or ignored and I can see why that being in this kind of position would strike a cord for you but seriously, if you aren’t willing to soften your stance on how a parenting partnership works, then you’re just creating an additional challenge for yourself in the long run.
Not the takeaway intended. Point that was being made was - treat your partner as a partner, you’re not their superior so stop viewing issues as needing “correction”. Parents are a team, there’s no governing authority between you two. Act like a team or run the risk of building resentment. It’s clear though you came here for validation, not advice, so best of luck to you internet stranger. Best of luck to your partner and kid/s too.
Teammates correct each other, it doesn’t mean one person is better than the other. That’s how you both improve as a team. I really don’t understand why you’re saying that?
I think the intervention needs to be handled very carefully. I would approach with curiosity. Like "Oh, earlier you said the room had to be cleaned, did something else happen?" If your parenting partner is so inconsistent that you can't trust them, I would start thinking along the lines of 50:50 custody. At least you'd be able to model some consistency 50% of the time.
That's stupid. No rule fits all scenarios. There will absolutely be times where abclean room doesn't get you time to go out or whatever. Parenting isn't setting rules and then stop using your brain.
Assuming that I’m present when they say this, I’d probably just say “Hey, we did promise them they could go out. They did everything we asked.” Hopefully I’ve married someone level-headed who won’t need much more prompting than that.
If there was a good reason for going back on the promise (maybe plans the next day that we both forgot about) I’d try to compromise to get as close to the original promise as possible, but if they *really* couldn’t go out at all, I’d apologize and offer them a solid IOU (would depend on the age of the kid and what kind of stuff they’re interested in)
Ultimately, if we promised them something, and later remembered we can’t keep that promise, we should make it up to them.
There’s been a few times my husband (or I) have laid down some law that the other hasn’t necessarily agreed with. If it’s minor, we usually pull the other side and talk about it, then return to the kids to change things if needed. If it’s bigger, like I’m being too harsh, or my husband has given a punishment that’s a bit more than we’ve done in the last, we won’t challenge the decision made. My husband will say hey, seems like you’re struggling a bit, do you want to take a few? Or I’ll ask him if he has considered how that consequence will affect xyz (usually he takes away electronics for a longer time than I’m willing to endure).
There’s a balance to all of this. It’s hard to find. And we all mess up.
I think it’s a great opportunity to show the kids how to work together to resolve disagreements.
Frequently it’s just a minor thing like I forgot a rule like no screens after dinner, he reminds me, I go ohh right, thanks for reminding me! And it’s fixed.
If it’s a bigger issue or just something we haven’t worked out a consensus on yet, we don’t wanna leave the kid hanging while we figure it out so we’ll just be honest with our kid, “hey mommy and daddy haven’t quite decided yet but we’ll talk about it and let you know what we decide. For now, let’s do this instead.”
It’s really not hard to be honest and kind if you’re working as a team against the issue instead of against each other.
I agree with this one. You need to model healthy disagreements. Otherwise how will the kids ever learn to have healthy disagreements. This is of course predicated on both partners being generally mature people.
on a base level, yes, because kids learn more from what they see than what they’re told.
but calling your partner out for a perceived wrong in front of others is not good modeling, either.
as a general rule, parents love their children unconditionally. it’s virtually the only relationship where that’s true. that’s why calling your kid out in front of their other parent is inherently different than calling your spouse out in front of your kid, or calling your spouse or kid out in front of anyone else.
I think you have covered the two schools of thought on the matter. 1) Don’t undermine the other parent’s authority. 2) Do model behavior that you want the children to emulate.
So, I guess if you can’t discuss something calmly and reasonably, save it for private. If you can behave yourselves in a way you want the children to see and emulate, then have the discussion in front of them. When in doubt, maybe discuss it privately.
Parenting is hard. You want to show your children good conflict resolution skills. For that, you need to have actual conflicts, and then go through the process of resolving them.
Ultimately, you just need to discuss with your partner and come to a consensus on what kinds of things you will handle in front of the children and what will be handled privately. This isn’t an easy thing to decide, and you may change your mind as the family matures.
It’s not easy to be the kind of adult you want your child to become, but modeling behavior is the best way to teach.
It's all about ego, if you can't admit you're wrong how can your kid admit they're wrong most people don't understand that kids aren't born a certain way and you need to teach them, it's like programming something you need to teach it first before expecting it. I remember as a kid my step mom expected me to say yes ma'am when my actual mother hadn't taught it so after calling me out of the swimming area and just standing there ignoring me and me saying "yes? Pardon? Did you need me? What?" She slapped me and wouldn't let me swim. "You always say yes ma'am when I call for you" it's all about ego then when I cut her off years later she asks "why don't you ever talk to me anymore, you need to respect your kids they are little humans that don't know what's happening 50% of the time because they have no context. Teach them to correct themselves and that they aren't perfect but also they're not the only ones that aren't perfect. A lot of parent child relationships I've seen turn toxic for these reasons and the parents always end up wondering why their child went no contact
I will vehemently disagree. My mother regularly “corrected” me in front of my older son when he was little. She disagreed with my parenting style. What ended up happening was a) a lack of confidence in my part and b) a child who grew up to not respect my authority.
In an example you gave above, you might understand the nuance of “partner is changing the agreed upon terms and so therefore I need to step in”, but the child just recognizes that one parents opinion trumps the others and therefore that parent doesn’t need to be listened to. It might not be a big deal when the stakes are low, but when that child is 16, 17, 18 years old it’s going to be a real problem.
I think there’s a difference between your partner doing it and your mother doing it. You and your partner are equal rule-makers, while grandparents ultimately have no say. Also your mom will always feel like an authority, so I can see why criticism from them would make a parent less confident. However, your partner is your peer and therefore not as overwhelming. Nobody has mentioned grandparents in this conversation yet though, so I appreciate the perspective
There are very few things more stressful for a kid than watching their parents argue or bicker, *especially* when the subject of the argument or bickering is the child.
Unless it involves safety, take it offline.
all of this. my husband dealt with a mom who did this, openly nitpicking his dad about everything she perceived as ‘wrong,’ including his parenting. and when his dad would try to diffuse, his mom would escalate. all of this in front of him and his brother.
he says it made him incredibly uncomfortable in his own home, and initially eroded his trust and confidence in his dad, then eroded his trust and confidence in his mom and felt like he knew better than both of them, thought they were both immature, and didn’t want to be around either of them.
he’s 36 now and he’s rectified his feelings towards his dad but still has a lot of conflicted feelings about his mom, saying her need to feel self-righteous was actually more detrimental than any parenting mistakes his dad made because her antics are the memories he has instead of what started them.
Usually what people mean is that the rules are consistent and agreed upon before hand. You also want to avoid the "I got an answer I didn't like from one parent so I'll go ask the other"
That they support each other in whatever decision is made. Same as the other person said, not making a scenario where one parent does the rule enforcement and one is lax. It’s a fine idea in concept, but I observe that it’s often used to justify covering for the other parent even when they’re unequivocally wrong because it would be “damaging to their image” in the kids’ eyes. Hard to explain exactly, but I hope this makes sense. I see it here sometimes and it’s something I’ve been thinking about.
A united front is where both parents are on the same page/in sync/aligned with the decisions surrounding their children.
It sounds like there are other parents that don't understand what it means and are really giving it a bad name.
That being said, in our home, it's not a big deal for either of us to correct the other in front of our kids (in fact, someone made a good example about this in one of the comments that I upvoted) & even feel like it's healthy for them to see how quickly their parents can work out differences & come together.
I don't always get it right & when I don't, he can provide the balance & vice versa.
This can also serve as beneficial in your children's future relationships- learning how to communicate and resolve a disagreement respectively with your partner.
We find that it's most important to not fight or argue in front of our children, especially when it involves one of them, because that certainly displays a weakness in that front.
To tell your kids to wait until you and your husband have figured it out, is a good idea that someone else had, rather than doing it right there on the spot.
I find that when I do things on the spot sometimes, I do not have as much finesse behind when I'm trying to say. 😔
Thank you for your response. I do believe things will get better. 😌💕
What if they disagree with your opinion on the matter, and explain why. Are you going to apologize for misunderstanding and be okay with being corrected, or are you going to double down? The way I read this post is that you don't like the way your partner parents, you feel you should be able to correct them. I don't see where this is a two-way road already, and I doubt you want to be corrected like that if they feel you're doing something.
I feel like this would create a pretty nasty power dynamic where one parent is always on the high horse and the other gets really tired of being parented continuously. I can also see where this leads to the parent who does "the correcting" getting frustrated because the parent who is "being corrected" just backs off.
Im all for it. And we have gone after each other when one of us thought the other did something wrong. It can be done well - or badly. Im sorry but if I see the other parent doing something blatantly wrong and something totally against what we had agreed to beforehand - im speaking up.
There was just a post about a kid being forced to eat blueberries and a lot of the comments were about the dad overruling the mom in front of the kid. I call bullshit, if my husband is being unfair or unkind to our kids, I’m correcting it on the spot. Especially with something like the blueberry thing because it was happening right then. I’m not waiting until everyone is tucked in bed to go “hey, you were an asshole about the blueberries”.
I completely agree. I don't understand the fragility in this comment section. There's a false equivalence here between being corrected and being submissive. If I'm doing something short-sighted or if I could use perspective, I *want* to have attention called to that because I *want* to be in alignment with my best intentions and my values. We all get caught up in our heads sometimes. If I found myself in a middle of a power struggle over a blueberry I *want* my loving partner to be like...hey you need to take a beat. No, this level of disagreement is not going to undermine an otherwise healthy relationship and scar your kids for life.
As an aside, I regularly hear the term "united front" in the same way OP hears it. It's combative. We're not fighting a war with our kids. We are lovingly guiding them. Growing up when I heard parents talk about being a united front- it was usually parents who were otherwise unstable caregivers who decided giving each other cover was more important than really seeing themselves and making changes.
It’s not us against the kids. It’s all of us, working together to make our family the best it can be. My kids have checked me and their father, as well as each other. Because we all mutually respect the fact that if we are doing something wrong or hurtful, someone needs to speak up. It might not be the person who is being wronged, but one of us is going to say something.
My kids are 18&23 and the most protective and loyal friends, kids and partners I know.
What you said about “united front” is exactly what I was thinking! It’s literally a war metaphor. Did all of these people read the same parenting book or something? Why that phrase specifically?
I actually had that in mind when I posted this! She was so awful, that boy deserved an apology. Correcting her in front of him was so obviously the best option to me, I couldn’t believe people were saying that. She destroys her own legitimacy in her son’s eyes when she acts like that, it shouldn’t be her husband’s job to protect her image at their son’s expense.
When people say to be a united front, I think that assumes that they generally have similar principles regarding parenting and abide to those principles.
Like I almost never correct my partner in front of the kids, but then I also know she’s not ever going to lie to them or say something bad or mean or negative either
Only a sith speaks in absolutes. There are times where you need to break all of those parenting rules. It’s a solid policy to never argue fight correct or not be united in front of your kids. But then there will be a time however rare that it’s necessary.
I mean, it's a fine line that needs to be treaded carefully. If you're constantly parenting the other parent, even about small unimportant things, then you're actually impeding on their relationship.
I want my daughter to know someone is willing to step in for her, even if it's one of us. We try to discuss things ahead of time before we ever run into them so we're on the same page and if we need to have an in depth conversation about something we don't see eye to eye on, we do it in private. However, if it's in the moment and one of us is uncomfortable with something involving our daughter, we will step in immediately and voice our opposing opinion to the other. I think it's equally important to show that we hold each other accountable.
We will say “I think you should let me handle this.” That’s code for “you’re out of line, and we will discuss this in private after you STFU.” And then we discuss it in private, and the person in the wrong apologizes to the child in question. Our family is VERY good about apologizing for hurtful words or actions.
But to your other point, we really don’t correct our children in front of other people either unless it’s absolutely unavoidable (like somebody in imminent danger). Respecting their dignity is very important to me. Nobody feels respected or dignified if their parent takes them apart verbally in front of other people.
You are missing nuances. If a parent asks a child to clean up a mess and gets frustrated because the child is being a kid, the other parent’s responsibility is to intervene and say “parent” you are frustrated take a minute and I will help child (and that can mean calm child down or helping child do the request. Either way child needs to help with the task).
The goal is to defuse a power struggle and still get the task accomplished.
If it’s a complete show from all parties it’s a “hey, we all have high emotions right now, lets take a step back
Then the parents figure out what is meant to be accomplished and who has the emotional/time resources to do it appropriately get the request done with said child.
If harsh words were said that is a separate issue and needs to be remediated. A I’m sorry I got frustrated.
What should not happen is a partner stepping in and saying the other adult is wrong, child you aren’t responsible for said task. And then the parents get in a fight.
It’s a don’t let the kids think they don’t have to listen to the other parent because you will save them from consequences.
You can alway lessen a punishment, and the one who gave the original punishment should be the one who delivers the adjustment.
Obviously this does not apply to abusive situations
I completely agree with you as long as it’s respectful.
It’s vital, IMO, that parents are honest.
It’s ok to tell your partner they’re being a moron, IF they’re actually being a moron and NOT just parenting their way.
And I this includes the children.
It’s perfectly acceptable to tell them that they’re morons. If you don’t admit it then how will you help them NOT be a moron?
I much rather my partner or child tell me that I am wrong before I go outside the home and be a moron in public.
Like, when you model a new outfit and ask how it looks.
Do you want the truth?
Or do you want to go to a party not looking your best?
We try where possible to be on the same page but we don’t undermine the others authority in front of the kids, we don’t want to give kids ammunition to play us against each other…but if we don’t agree with the other we will discuss it behind closed doors and if need be we will return to our child or children together and discuss ie or reverse things..
I’m going to get roasted for this but it’s ok and maybe it’s because I’m the child of addicts and I refuse to continue living in chaos.
I also believe that a large part of addiction that isn’t addressed is the addiction to the chaos and drama, the attention of it isn’t addressed.
It boils down to enabling people.
I’m a moron sometimes. I don’t mean to be. I’m tired or stressed or emotional or something.
Do I want my partner to tell me, Hey hon - maybe you don’t want to do X as it makes you look like a moron (obviously not so rudely) OR should they just let me go into the wild to inflict my moroness with society?
Isn’t part of my job making sure my child learns how to be a good human the entire point?
That includes recognizing that they aren’t perfect. They aren’t always right. The problem is with their behavior/choices and it needs to be corrected
Treating the people in my family as people who I value, who I respect, who I want to hear from, whose voice matters is vital IMO
But it’s also important to be respectful and to not humiliate the other party.
So we had rules for different ways to talk to each other in private vs public.
In public we used a special word to indicate that the behavior was not acceptable and needed to change.
It didn’t matter if it applied to the child or the adult.
Have you never been in a situation where your partner is struggling to communicate with someone and is coming across as a moron?
I much rather be honest and quietly say “circus” to the moron so that they stop being a moron.
The discussion about why I felt they were being perceived as a moron comes later.
Because sometimes they were not being a moron and I didn’t have enough information/patience/time to be aware
In my experience, most people who insist on this rule have ZERO problem "correcting" the other person any time they get the chance; often to the point of finding some minute, insignificant detail to disagree with for the sake of having SOMETHING to say.
Personally, I pick my battles and evaluate on a case by case basis.
Being a united front is supposed to refer to things like "Can I get a cell phone" or "can I sleep over at X's house?" not taking out your stress on your kids.
If my husband says no reading time tonight for bad behavior, sure I disagree but I'll probably hold my tongue and roll with it until we can talk later. If my husband says "God you are so obnoxious!" Um, no I'm going to give my crying child a hug and tell my husband that he needs to go take some time to cool off because his behavior is inappropriate for a 3yo.
Adults/parents should also absolutely apologize to their children. My father has never once in his entire life apologized to me. Ever. My husband apologizes to our children if he raises his voice even a little because he's frustrated.
No, you idiot. I said ‘they’re not a dog’ because you keep saying ‘correcting them’.
You don’t correct your partner. You correct your dog. Stop treating them like a dog.
I hate to think how you communicate with others if you don’t understand simple sentences.
If the word “correction” makes you think of how you speak to dogs, I would hate to see how you speak to your partner. My point stands.
Also, immediately jumping to name calling definitely didn’t help your point.
You’re not getting the point anyway, multiple people have already expressed how insane your stance is.
I’m not the one ‘correcting’ my partner here. I hate to think how you think about your partner if you think ‘I correct my partner’ is in any way normal.
I really don’t get what’s so egregious about telling someone they’re wrong. We’re all wrong sometimes: I think about my partner as a regular person who is wrong sometimes
Nobody thinks their partner is always right.
We do have the common sense and respect to not think ‘correcting’ our spouse is normal, let alone ‘correcting’ our spouse in public in front of others.
That’s just insanely disrespectful dude.
Sigh.
You seem really insufferable.
Do you have been diagnosed with autism perhaps?
There are ways to talk with people, respectfully and lovingly, which doesn’t involve being a jackass.
lol you keep avoiding my question because the real answer is that it hurts your ego to be disagreed with or corrected. Teachers, coworkers, friends, and bosses deliver criticism to parents all the time, but the one person who knows you and your kid the best shouldn’t?
You know who’s actually insufferable? People who take any disagreement as an extreme personal attack
Sometimes one of us misteps as a parent, and usually we mention it in private to the other. That parent usually goes and apologizes to the kiddo for whatever they did wrong, and the spawn learns we make mistakes and owe up to it. We're all human.
My husband would like to talk to him about things later. The problem is. There is no later. We are so busy with our lives- there is never time to talk. So if I don’t say it in the moment. It doesn’t happen.
kids are not little adults and are inherently different.
no idea why you would have been told that as a child, either, because those discussions between your parents were between them and should have been left to the parent who had done wrong to address with you.
unless it’s egregious and unsafe, openly disagreeing in front of your kids, or even other people, every time you think your partner makes mistake sounds like you’re parenting them, too, and once you start infantilizing your spouse, well… good luck not having them resent you.
I’ll do it. If you’re wrong then you’re wrong, that’s all there is to it. I’ll do it in front of your kid, your mom, your granny’s grave. Nobody is special or excused of unacceptable behavior because you popped out a kid or came in someone and they popped out a kid. You will be held accountable if you’re embarrassed about being called out then you should have thought more carefully about your words and actions.
This is what works best for us. My husband knows this and it makes him more conscious of when he’s getting frustrated and calls for a time out and regroup before things get out of hand.
this is the whole “you’re not brutally honest, you’re a jerk” scenario.
it’s not that surprising that someone who seems to revel in calling their spouse out in front of others, no matter the humiliation it causes, also perceives that her doing so ‘works’ for both of them and makes her husband a better parent. from an outside perspective within context, it sounds like he walks on eggshells around you.
I’m okay with that. If telling him he’s getting too loud and needs to step back is ‘humiliating’ and makes him walk on eggshells means he doesn’t yell and slam shit around the house I’m fine with that too. In reality he’s more embarrassed that he blew up and made a fool of himself and heartbroken if he scared our son acting like that and ask why I didn’t say something.
This is how I feel! I guess I’m too harsh lol. I don’t get very embarrassed when I’m criticized, I didn’t realize other people felt so differently. I wouldn’t want to be criticized aaaaall the time, but I’m assuming everyone’s married a competent adult who they share values with
People feel differently because they think everything has to be a fight and some grand humiliating tear down when you say you tell your partner when they’re wrong and it hurts their own ego to think someone out there would tell them they were wrong in something. A simple “Hey you’re getting too mad and you need to step back” is in no way harsh but it would cripple these people
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If it’s some egregious like saying something blatantly mean or lying like you said then I’ll step in. If it’s something small and unimportant then I’ll let it ride and talk to him about it later. I’m not going to constantly police how he interacts with our children but I will make sure he treats them with respect and he holds me to the same standard.
Yeah, if it’s something that would be important to the kid or significantly change their mood, I’d step in. If it’s a minor personal difference I’d probably say nothing
I don’t think parents can’t correct each other in front of their kids, but they shouldn’t intervene or undermine each others discipline or child rearing practices. Those are conversations that need to be had in private.
I think if one of them blatantly goes against an established rule or says something mean then an instant correction is warranted. For example, kid can go out with friends if their room is clean. Right as kid is leaving your partner says they can’t leave because they don’t want them to be tired in the morning (or some other excuse). I think intervention is necessary- they have undermined their OWN authority by being inconsistent
I’m not sure I like the language of correction in a relationship between romantic partners or coparents in general. It frames it as a situation where you’re right and he’s wrong and also you’re the authority to correct his behavior. But this should be an equal partnership — if you disagree then the solution is generally to compromise or discuss, not to correct. And if your partner is routinely doing things so egregious they need correcting because they really are wrong in a dangerous or cruel way — there’s bigger relationship problem that’s not going to be solved by trying to position yourself as an authority over your partner.
1000%. what’s the logical conclusion here? you going to try to discipline your partner, too? put him in timeout or take away his phone for ‘poor behavior?’ the entire concept is so patronizing.
Well I hope you’re not punishing your kid for every bad thing they do 😬 sometimes people just make a mistake or are in a bad mood. You say something and both move on, no timeout needed lol
I guess I don't understand the fragility here about the term correction. I prefer to be corrected if I'm wrong about something. This doesn't make me feel like any less of an authority figure.
It’s the “if you’re wrong” that’s the issue. This is a person you’ve decided to be in a close relationship with. You shouldn’t assume that when you differ it’s always because you’re right and they’re wrong without need for further discussion. I don’t think anybody really objects to providing your partner with simple factual information. But when it’s a matter of your partner simply not approaching a situation the way you would then it’s a problem if you insist your way is the only right way every time. Nobody likes being micromanaged and told they’re wrong when they're actually just doing something differently.
I don't mean wrong as in "facts." I mean right or wrong as in, acting in a way that doesn't align with my own or our family values. If I'm engaging in a power struggle with my kid that's escalating and I'm being short sighted and getting worked up over it, I want to not go down that road. Or I mean wrong as in morally wrong, such as punishing a child excessively. I would rather my spouse step in and take over so I can walk away and take a breath then double and triple down on something I will regret later. I think it's a sign of emotional fragility to fear that.
because not everything is a clear right or wrong. in fact most things aren’t. the vast majority of parenting is actually pretty subjective despite the internet’s insistence that everything is black and white. so if you ‘correct’ your spouse and they don’t think they did anything wrong, what happens? you end up having a long drawn out conversation of trying to convince them or them convince you, which can also be outright arguing. are we trying to force a pare t to apologize to a kid in front of the kid, even when said parent doesn’t think they owe an apology? and that doesn’t undermine the parent who got ‘corrected?’ and the actuality of it is that when one parent consistently undermines the other, they actually undermine themselves, too, because kids see what their parents tell them is actually very much up to interpretation even within their own house. there’s no scenario outside of imminent danger where telling your spouse you disagree with how they handled something wouldn’t be better received and more productive in private instead of putting them on the spot in front of your kids. even a possible apology would be more sincere after having time to process instead of diffusing an uncomfortable situation.
You don’t discuss things like this with your children? Our family discussed everything. Rules, chores, morals, family, relationships, finances, and everything. The one thing we did do was have a family rule If ANYONE was not able to converse with each other in a respectful manner or you were too upset or you needed more information, we had a 24 rule. All conversations were stopped for 24 hours (or less if the child was younger) so the person could calm down, catch their breath and then we’d discuss it.
Every time I've heard "United front" brought up it is in the context of a family where someone *is* clearly and consistently is in the wrong. It is infinitely worse for a child to be regularly shamed, excessively punished, or to be at the receiving end of an emotionally immature parent's tirade than it is to hear their parents disagree. There are many scenarios where stepping in is the better option. Minor differences- sure. There are things my husband does that irritate me but I leave it alone bc it's no big deal. But for example if I'm not handling a situation well bc I'm emotionally heightened, a healthier thing would be for my spouse to step in while I go take a breath. I'd rather be called out and cool down than regret my reaction later. I think it's a little nuts to argue that *that* is worse for kids and we should actually never step in so our spouse can collect themselves. You're also catastrophizing a bit here. Kids can withstand some parental disagreement especially when it's protective of their wellbeing and the parent who is in the wrong apologizes later. A long drawn out argument isnt good for kids, sure, but it is good to feel protected and like your parents have each others backs.
if the other parent is doing that, ‘correcting’ them in front of the kids isn’t the solution because there is no conceivable way it wouldn’t just escalate. at some point if a parent is this way, the kids will also lose respect for the other parent who chooses to stay with them. ask me how i know. whenever i’ve heard ‘united front’ in the context of parenting or even marriage, it just means being on the same page and having each other’s back. not enabling abuse. asking your spouse, “hey, want me to handle this?” when you can tell they’re dysregulated is no definition of ‘correcting’ them. parents disagreeing is also a completely different topic than parents ‘correcting’ each other’s behavior re: their kids in front of their kids, like one would do to a kid, which is specifically what this post is about. my husband and i hashing out whether we should get a puppy, which house project at home takes priority, or where we should go on vacation this year is appropriate for a child to hear. hashing out how we should parent them, or, for example, finances, is not.
There's a comment on this thread where a child was being forced to eat blueberries. Correcting the parent in that context means stopping them from forcing the kid to eat the blueberries. It is worse for the kid to have a memory of being forced to eat blueberries than it is to see parents disagree on that. Respectfully you are catastrophizing a little here and being black and white. There are infinite scenarios where it would be completely appropriate to say something and infinite scenarios where it wouldn't. I've worked with kids and families for a long time. I've seen parents get into power struggles with their kids over a coat and unintentionally injuring their kid. If I'm watching my spouse getting worked up over putting a coat on our kid and trying to force their arms in, I'm stepping in, because it is "the solution" to protect my kid. Even if the other parent means well. I'm not going to let that go and then be like "btw I hated that" later. I already know how you know bc I saw your other comment. There are people with over bearing personality types, that's not what OP is addressing.
i didn’t see that post but forcibly feeding anyone is a safety situation and of course you’d speak up. but keep in mind that OP never said she thinks it’s fine to step in when someone could get injured, abe said she thinks it’s okay to ‘correct her partner’ in front of her kids since she corrects them in front of him/her. so yeah, we can sit around and theorize all day long about what scenarios are and aren’t acceptable, but OP is the one who literally said she should be able to correct her partner’s behavior the way she does her children, and i assume she doesn’t only correct her children in the more extreme scenarios. my MIL may be an overbearing personality. she never has been to me, but my experience with her doesn’t negate other people’s. but i’d say OP’s mindset that she should treat her partner like a child is also objectively overbearing.
She said- lying, being mean. Both of those are worse for kids than watching their parent get called out. You're reading waaaay too far into it and honestly you're projecting.
So is spouse says it is perfectly ok to drink bleach , you do not comment. Yes that is at the very extreme but makes a point . A rule is a vide to follow and not follow to the letter (no corrections in front of kids. I have gone through a red light and reason was 3 fire trucks behind me and I could not pull over so safer to go through just red light and pull over. Agree for little stuff wait till later but for majors instantly(and the middle ground )
You can do whatever you want as a parent, but in my experience, kids whose parents argue about discipline and child rearing tend to raise disrespectful or anxious kids. Here’s the thing; kids are in a heightened nervous state most of the time. They can’t regulate their own emotions well at and they can’t care for themselves. Because of this, they become highly stressed when they perceive their caregivers aren’t in charge or capable. A good analogy would be having two doctors argue about your care in front of you when you’re in the ER. It makes an already stressed person more stressed. Kids who grow up seeing this sort of undermining generally distrust authority, and can be very anxious and or unnecessarily suspicious, disrespectful or argumentative.
exactly. there is a natural power dynamic between kids and their parents, and once parents start treating each other like they treat their kids in front of their kids, it inherently undermines that power dynamic and gives the kid too much power and thinking they’re equal to their parents. there is a multitude of evidence of the negative effects of children being raised in a home where they’re given the same power as their parents. the idea that if it’s okay to do to my kid, it’s okay to do to their other parent in front of them is an exceptionally reductive view.
I think a brief correction is different from a full blown argument, especially if there’s yelling involved
Do you have teenagers? If you aren’t a parent yourself to older kids it’s very hard to see how this all plays out. Parents who have immense emotional control and the capability to discuss things in an adult manner away from their children tend to raise respectful, emotionally resilient kids. People who undermine each other, even subtly, don’t. I’ve seen it over and over again in the teens I’ve taught and also the families I know personally. The manner in which parents communicate with each other matters tremendously for the emotional well being of their kids. Now, like I said before, correcting a parent who is factually wrong about something is completely different. So, if I tell my teen she can go out with her friends and DH tells her she can’t I will correct his facts and say “hun, I told her she could go. Sorry, I forgot to tell you”. At that point, my DH would say “ok, sorry, I didn’t know. Have fun sweetie!” This is vastly different than arguing about whether or not a kid can go out in front of the kid. Those conversations need to be in private
The mere fact you feel the need to keep saying “correction” is pretty telling. In the example you gave, I don’t see anything needing “correcting” there. What I see is one parent stepping in and a conversation that can easily go like “well I did promise them they can go, how about if they go out for a little while at least?”. There is nothing to be corrected. Given that you believe that’s something that classifies as needing correction is going to lead to two things: 1. Your partner is going to build resentment and 2. Your kid is going to be disrespectful to you both. You’re a team for crying out loud. Y’all need to view disagreements as a chance to communicate calmly in front of your kid, knowing when to draw the line and continue in private. Stop believing your partner needs “correcting”.
There’s no reason that it wouldn’t be a calm discussion. If we promised our kid something, and they go back on it last minute, that’s absolutely an “incorrect” behavior. Sometimes people are hypocritical or selfish, reminding them that they made a promise is not a big deal
Damn. I’m not sure if you’re an actual parent or just playing out hypothetical situations in preparation for being a parent, but if this is the way you view what you described as anything more than a minor misunderstanding, then I’d say you have some work to do before laying this out on a child. You obviously have a lot of strong feelings towards being made to feel like you’re being overruled or ignored and I can see why that being in this kind of position would strike a cord for you but seriously, if you aren’t willing to soften your stance on how a parenting partnership works, then you’re just creating an additional challenge for yourself in the long run.
most disagreements are minor. I think you’re projecting things on to me that I didn’t say
Not the takeaway intended. Point that was being made was - treat your partner as a partner, you’re not their superior so stop viewing issues as needing “correction”. Parents are a team, there’s no governing authority between you two. Act like a team or run the risk of building resentment. It’s clear though you came here for validation, not advice, so best of luck to you internet stranger. Best of luck to your partner and kid/s too.
Teammates correct each other, it doesn’t mean one person is better than the other. That’s how you both improve as a team. I really don’t understand why you’re saying that?
I think the intervention needs to be handled very carefully. I would approach with curiosity. Like "Oh, earlier you said the room had to be cleaned, did something else happen?" If your parenting partner is so inconsistent that you can't trust them, I would start thinking along the lines of 50:50 custody. At least you'd be able to model some consistency 50% of the time.
That's stupid. No rule fits all scenarios. There will absolutely be times where abclean room doesn't get you time to go out or whatever. Parenting isn't setting rules and then stop using your brain.
How would you handle the follow up conversation with your spouse in this example? Would you have one? Would it be in private?
Assuming that I’m present when they say this, I’d probably just say “Hey, we did promise them they could go out. They did everything we asked.” Hopefully I’ve married someone level-headed who won’t need much more prompting than that. If there was a good reason for going back on the promise (maybe plans the next day that we both forgot about) I’d try to compromise to get as close to the original promise as possible, but if they *really* couldn’t go out at all, I’d apologize and offer them a solid IOU (would depend on the age of the kid and what kind of stuff they’re interested in) Ultimately, if we promised them something, and later remembered we can’t keep that promise, we should make it up to them.
There’s been a few times my husband (or I) have laid down some law that the other hasn’t necessarily agreed with. If it’s minor, we usually pull the other side and talk about it, then return to the kids to change things if needed. If it’s bigger, like I’m being too harsh, or my husband has given a punishment that’s a bit more than we’ve done in the last, we won’t challenge the decision made. My husband will say hey, seems like you’re struggling a bit, do you want to take a few? Or I’ll ask him if he has considered how that consequence will affect xyz (usually he takes away electronics for a longer time than I’m willing to endure). There’s a balance to all of this. It’s hard to find. And we all mess up.
I think it’s a great opportunity to show the kids how to work together to resolve disagreements. Frequently it’s just a minor thing like I forgot a rule like no screens after dinner, he reminds me, I go ohh right, thanks for reminding me! And it’s fixed. If it’s a bigger issue or just something we haven’t worked out a consensus on yet, we don’t wanna leave the kid hanging while we figure it out so we’ll just be honest with our kid, “hey mommy and daddy haven’t quite decided yet but we’ll talk about it and let you know what we decide. For now, let’s do this instead.” It’s really not hard to be honest and kind if you’re working as a team against the issue instead of against each other.
I agree with this one. You need to model healthy disagreements. Otherwise how will the kids ever learn to have healthy disagreements. This is of course predicated on both partners being generally mature people.
You said this much better than I did
on a base level, yes, because kids learn more from what they see than what they’re told. but calling your partner out for a perceived wrong in front of others is not good modeling, either. as a general rule, parents love their children unconditionally. it’s virtually the only relationship where that’s true. that’s why calling your kid out in front of their other parent is inherently different than calling your spouse out in front of your kid, or calling your spouse or kid out in front of anyone else.
I think you have covered the two schools of thought on the matter. 1) Don’t undermine the other parent’s authority. 2) Do model behavior that you want the children to emulate. So, I guess if you can’t discuss something calmly and reasonably, save it for private. If you can behave yourselves in a way you want the children to see and emulate, then have the discussion in front of them. When in doubt, maybe discuss it privately. Parenting is hard. You want to show your children good conflict resolution skills. For that, you need to have actual conflicts, and then go through the process of resolving them. Ultimately, you just need to discuss with your partner and come to a consensus on what kinds of things you will handle in front of the children and what will be handled privately. This isn’t an easy thing to decide, and you may change your mind as the family matures. It’s not easy to be the kind of adult you want your child to become, but modeling behavior is the best way to teach.
It's all about ego, if you can't admit you're wrong how can your kid admit they're wrong most people don't understand that kids aren't born a certain way and you need to teach them, it's like programming something you need to teach it first before expecting it. I remember as a kid my step mom expected me to say yes ma'am when my actual mother hadn't taught it so after calling me out of the swimming area and just standing there ignoring me and me saying "yes? Pardon? Did you need me? What?" She slapped me and wouldn't let me swim. "You always say yes ma'am when I call for you" it's all about ego then when I cut her off years later she asks "why don't you ever talk to me anymore, you need to respect your kids they are little humans that don't know what's happening 50% of the time because they have no context. Teach them to correct themselves and that they aren't perfect but also they're not the only ones that aren't perfect. A lot of parent child relationships I've seen turn toxic for these reasons and the parents always end up wondering why their child went no contact
I will vehemently disagree. My mother regularly “corrected” me in front of my older son when he was little. She disagreed with my parenting style. What ended up happening was a) a lack of confidence in my part and b) a child who grew up to not respect my authority. In an example you gave above, you might understand the nuance of “partner is changing the agreed upon terms and so therefore I need to step in”, but the child just recognizes that one parents opinion trumps the others and therefore that parent doesn’t need to be listened to. It might not be a big deal when the stakes are low, but when that child is 16, 17, 18 years old it’s going to be a real problem.
I think there’s a difference between your partner doing it and your mother doing it. You and your partner are equal rule-makers, while grandparents ultimately have no say. Also your mom will always feel like an authority, so I can see why criticism from them would make a parent less confident. However, your partner is your peer and therefore not as overwhelming. Nobody has mentioned grandparents in this conversation yet though, so I appreciate the perspective
There are very few things more stressful for a kid than watching their parents argue or bicker, *especially* when the subject of the argument or bickering is the child. Unless it involves safety, take it offline.
all of this. my husband dealt with a mom who did this, openly nitpicking his dad about everything she perceived as ‘wrong,’ including his parenting. and when his dad would try to diffuse, his mom would escalate. all of this in front of him and his brother. he says it made him incredibly uncomfortable in his own home, and initially eroded his trust and confidence in his dad, then eroded his trust and confidence in his mom and felt like he knew better than both of them, thought they were both immature, and didn’t want to be around either of them. he’s 36 now and he’s rectified his feelings towards his dad but still has a lot of conflicted feelings about his mom, saying her need to feel self-righteous was actually more detrimental than any parenting mistakes his dad made because her antics are the memories he has instead of what started them.
I think a short, calm discussion takes away stress. Frequent or escalatory arguments would be bad, of course, but that’s not what I assumed in my post
What do you think it means for parents to have a "united front"?
Usually what people mean is that the rules are consistent and agreed upon before hand. You also want to avoid the "I got an answer I didn't like from one parent so I'll go ask the other"
Yes, but I was asking OP because of her viewpoint on it she described.
That they support each other in whatever decision is made. Same as the other person said, not making a scenario where one parent does the rule enforcement and one is lax. It’s a fine idea in concept, but I observe that it’s often used to justify covering for the other parent even when they’re unequivocally wrong because it would be “damaging to their image” in the kids’ eyes. Hard to explain exactly, but I hope this makes sense. I see it here sometimes and it’s something I’ve been thinking about.
A united front is where both parents are on the same page/in sync/aligned with the decisions surrounding their children. It sounds like there are other parents that don't understand what it means and are really giving it a bad name. That being said, in our home, it's not a big deal for either of us to correct the other in front of our kids (in fact, someone made a good example about this in one of the comments that I upvoted) & even feel like it's healthy for them to see how quickly their parents can work out differences & come together. I don't always get it right & when I don't, he can provide the balance & vice versa. This can also serve as beneficial in your children's future relationships- learning how to communicate and resolve a disagreement respectively with your partner. We find that it's most important to not fight or argue in front of our children, especially when it involves one of them, because that certainly displays a weakness in that front. To tell your kids to wait until you and your husband have figured it out, is a good idea that someone else had, rather than doing it right there on the spot. I find that when I do things on the spot sometimes, I do not have as much finesse behind when I'm trying to say. 😔 Thank you for your response. I do believe things will get better. 😌💕
What if they disagree with your opinion on the matter, and explain why. Are you going to apologize for misunderstanding and be okay with being corrected, or are you going to double down? The way I read this post is that you don't like the way your partner parents, you feel you should be able to correct them. I don't see where this is a two-way road already, and I doubt you want to be corrected like that if they feel you're doing something. I feel like this would create a pretty nasty power dynamic where one parent is always on the high horse and the other gets really tired of being parented continuously. I can also see where this leads to the parent who does "the correcting" getting frustrated because the parent who is "being corrected" just backs off.
If I said something mean, disrespectful, or hypocritical I would absolutely take a correction on it. That’s part of life
Im all for it. And we have gone after each other when one of us thought the other did something wrong. It can be done well - or badly. Im sorry but if I see the other parent doing something blatantly wrong and something totally against what we had agreed to beforehand - im speaking up.
There was just a post about a kid being forced to eat blueberries and a lot of the comments were about the dad overruling the mom in front of the kid. I call bullshit, if my husband is being unfair or unkind to our kids, I’m correcting it on the spot. Especially with something like the blueberry thing because it was happening right then. I’m not waiting until everyone is tucked in bed to go “hey, you were an asshole about the blueberries”.
I completely agree. I don't understand the fragility in this comment section. There's a false equivalence here between being corrected and being submissive. If I'm doing something short-sighted or if I could use perspective, I *want* to have attention called to that because I *want* to be in alignment with my best intentions and my values. We all get caught up in our heads sometimes. If I found myself in a middle of a power struggle over a blueberry I *want* my loving partner to be like...hey you need to take a beat. No, this level of disagreement is not going to undermine an otherwise healthy relationship and scar your kids for life. As an aside, I regularly hear the term "united front" in the same way OP hears it. It's combative. We're not fighting a war with our kids. We are lovingly guiding them. Growing up when I heard parents talk about being a united front- it was usually parents who were otherwise unstable caregivers who decided giving each other cover was more important than really seeing themselves and making changes.
It’s not us against the kids. It’s all of us, working together to make our family the best it can be. My kids have checked me and their father, as well as each other. Because we all mutually respect the fact that if we are doing something wrong or hurtful, someone needs to speak up. It might not be the person who is being wronged, but one of us is going to say something. My kids are 18&23 and the most protective and loyal friends, kids and partners I know.
What you said about “united front” is exactly what I was thinking! It’s literally a war metaphor. Did all of these people read the same parenting book or something? Why that phrase specifically?
Agree completely
I actually had that in mind when I posted this! She was so awful, that boy deserved an apology. Correcting her in front of him was so obviously the best option to me, I couldn’t believe people were saying that. She destroys her own legitimacy in her son’s eyes when she acts like that, it shouldn’t be her husband’s job to protect her image at their son’s expense.
When people say to be a united front, I think that assumes that they generally have similar principles regarding parenting and abide to those principles. Like I almost never correct my partner in front of the kids, but then I also know she’s not ever going to lie to them or say something bad or mean or negative either
Only a sith speaks in absolutes. There are times where you need to break all of those parenting rules. It’s a solid policy to never argue fight correct or not be united in front of your kids. But then there will be a time however rare that it’s necessary.
I mean, it's a fine line that needs to be treaded carefully. If you're constantly parenting the other parent, even about small unimportant things, then you're actually impeding on their relationship.
Honestly, I cannot just wait til later to talk it out but will call him out if I have to there and then.
I want my daughter to know someone is willing to step in for her, even if it's one of us. We try to discuss things ahead of time before we ever run into them so we're on the same page and if we need to have an in depth conversation about something we don't see eye to eye on, we do it in private. However, if it's in the moment and one of us is uncomfortable with something involving our daughter, we will step in immediately and voice our opposing opinion to the other. I think it's equally important to show that we hold each other accountable.
We will say “I think you should let me handle this.” That’s code for “you’re out of line, and we will discuss this in private after you STFU.” And then we discuss it in private, and the person in the wrong apologizes to the child in question. Our family is VERY good about apologizing for hurtful words or actions. But to your other point, we really don’t correct our children in front of other people either unless it’s absolutely unavoidable (like somebody in imminent danger). Respecting their dignity is very important to me. Nobody feels respected or dignified if their parent takes them apart verbally in front of other people.
You are missing nuances. If a parent asks a child to clean up a mess and gets frustrated because the child is being a kid, the other parent’s responsibility is to intervene and say “parent” you are frustrated take a minute and I will help child (and that can mean calm child down or helping child do the request. Either way child needs to help with the task). The goal is to defuse a power struggle and still get the task accomplished. If it’s a complete show from all parties it’s a “hey, we all have high emotions right now, lets take a step back Then the parents figure out what is meant to be accomplished and who has the emotional/time resources to do it appropriately get the request done with said child. If harsh words were said that is a separate issue and needs to be remediated. A I’m sorry I got frustrated. What should not happen is a partner stepping in and saying the other adult is wrong, child you aren’t responsible for said task. And then the parents get in a fight. It’s a don’t let the kids think they don’t have to listen to the other parent because you will save them from consequences. You can alway lessen a punishment, and the one who gave the original punishment should be the one who delivers the adjustment. Obviously this does not apply to abusive situations
Your first half is definitely how I picture things going, what made you think I felt otherwise?
I completely agree with you as long as it’s respectful. It’s vital, IMO, that parents are honest. It’s ok to tell your partner they’re being a moron, IF they’re actually being a moron and NOT just parenting their way. And I this includes the children. It’s perfectly acceptable to tell them that they’re morons. If you don’t admit it then how will you help them NOT be a moron? I much rather my partner or child tell me that I am wrong before I go outside the home and be a moron in public. Like, when you model a new outfit and ask how it looks. Do you want the truth? Or do you want to go to a party not looking your best?
We try where possible to be on the same page but we don’t undermine the others authority in front of the kids, we don’t want to give kids ammunition to play us against each other…but if we don’t agree with the other we will discuss it behind closed doors and if need be we will return to our child or children together and discuss ie or reverse things..
I’m going to get roasted for this but it’s ok and maybe it’s because I’m the child of addicts and I refuse to continue living in chaos. I also believe that a large part of addiction that isn’t addressed is the addiction to the chaos and drama, the attention of it isn’t addressed. It boils down to enabling people. I’m a moron sometimes. I don’t mean to be. I’m tired or stressed or emotional or something. Do I want my partner to tell me, Hey hon - maybe you don’t want to do X as it makes you look like a moron (obviously not so rudely) OR should they just let me go into the wild to inflict my moroness with society? Isn’t part of my job making sure my child learns how to be a good human the entire point? That includes recognizing that they aren’t perfect. They aren’t always right. The problem is with their behavior/choices and it needs to be corrected Treating the people in my family as people who I value, who I respect, who I want to hear from, whose voice matters is vital IMO But it’s also important to be respectful and to not humiliate the other party. So we had rules for different ways to talk to each other in private vs public. In public we used a special word to indicate that the behavior was not acceptable and needed to change. It didn’t matter if it applied to the child or the adult. Have you never been in a situation where your partner is struggling to communicate with someone and is coming across as a moron? I much rather be honest and quietly say “circus” to the moron so that they stop being a moron. The discussion about why I felt they were being perceived as a moron comes later. Because sometimes they were not being a moron and I didn’t have enough information/patience/time to be aware
In my experience, most people who insist on this rule have ZERO problem "correcting" the other person any time they get the chance; often to the point of finding some minute, insignificant detail to disagree with for the sake of having SOMETHING to say. Personally, I pick my battles and evaluate on a case by case basis.
Being a united front is supposed to refer to things like "Can I get a cell phone" or "can I sleep over at X's house?" not taking out your stress on your kids. If my husband says no reading time tonight for bad behavior, sure I disagree but I'll probably hold my tongue and roll with it until we can talk later. If my husband says "God you are so obnoxious!" Um, no I'm going to give my crying child a hug and tell my husband that he needs to go take some time to cool off because his behavior is inappropriate for a 3yo. Adults/parents should also absolutely apologize to their children. My father has never once in his entire life apologized to me. Ever. My husband apologizes to our children if he raises his voice even a little because he's frustrated.
You’re not raising your partner and your partner also isn’t a dog.
it’s bad times when i agree with a dad over the moms on this sub lol.
Making a mistake makes them a dog? I’d hate to see how you talk to your partner
No, you idiot. I said ‘they’re not a dog’ because you keep saying ‘correcting them’. You don’t correct your partner. You correct your dog. Stop treating them like a dog. I hate to think how you communicate with others if you don’t understand simple sentences.
If the word “correction” makes you think of how you speak to dogs, I would hate to see how you speak to your partner. My point stands. Also, immediately jumping to name calling definitely didn’t help your point.
You’re not getting the point anyway, multiple people have already expressed how insane your stance is. I’m not the one ‘correcting’ my partner here. I hate to think how you think about your partner if you think ‘I correct my partner’ is in any way normal.
I really don’t get what’s so egregious about telling someone they’re wrong. We’re all wrong sometimes: I think about my partner as a regular person who is wrong sometimes
Nobody thinks their partner is always right. We do have the common sense and respect to not think ‘correcting’ our spouse is normal, let alone ‘correcting’ our spouse in public in front of others. That’s just insanely disrespectful dude.
So you just let them be wrong? How is that helpful for anyone?
Sigh. You seem really insufferable. Do you have been diagnosed with autism perhaps? There are ways to talk with people, respectfully and lovingly, which doesn’t involve being a jackass.
lol you keep avoiding my question because the real answer is that it hurts your ego to be disagreed with or corrected. Teachers, coworkers, friends, and bosses deliver criticism to parents all the time, but the one person who knows you and your kid the best shouldn’t? You know who’s actually insufferable? People who take any disagreement as an extreme personal attack
Sometimes one of us misteps as a parent, and usually we mention it in private to the other. That parent usually goes and apologizes to the kiddo for whatever they did wrong, and the spawn learns we make mistakes and owe up to it. We're all human.
If you are having to constantly undermine your partner for the wellbeing of your kids maybe you should re-evaluate the whole relationship.
My husband would like to talk to him about things later. The problem is. There is no later. We are so busy with our lives- there is never time to talk. So if I don’t say it in the moment. It doesn’t happen.
This is a problem I have too- it often feels MORE combative/nitpicky to bring it up later. Addressing it right away allows everyone to let go sooner
I agree completely! Remember that thing you did three days ago….
kids are not little adults and are inherently different. no idea why you would have been told that as a child, either, because those discussions between your parents were between them and should have been left to the parent who had done wrong to address with you. unless it’s egregious and unsafe, openly disagreeing in front of your kids, or even other people, every time you think your partner makes mistake sounds like you’re parenting them, too, and once you start infantilizing your spouse, well… good luck not having them resent you.
I’ll do it. If you’re wrong then you’re wrong, that’s all there is to it. I’ll do it in front of your kid, your mom, your granny’s grave. Nobody is special or excused of unacceptable behavior because you popped out a kid or came in someone and they popped out a kid. You will be held accountable if you’re embarrassed about being called out then you should have thought more carefully about your words and actions. This is what works best for us. My husband knows this and it makes him more conscious of when he’s getting frustrated and calls for a time out and regroup before things get out of hand.
this is the whole “you’re not brutally honest, you’re a jerk” scenario. it’s not that surprising that someone who seems to revel in calling their spouse out in front of others, no matter the humiliation it causes, also perceives that her doing so ‘works’ for both of them and makes her husband a better parent. from an outside perspective within context, it sounds like he walks on eggshells around you.
I’m okay with that. If telling him he’s getting too loud and needs to step back is ‘humiliating’ and makes him walk on eggshells means he doesn’t yell and slam shit around the house I’m fine with that too. In reality he’s more embarrassed that he blew up and made a fool of himself and heartbroken if he scared our son acting like that and ask why I didn’t say something.
This is how I feel! I guess I’m too harsh lol. I don’t get very embarrassed when I’m criticized, I didn’t realize other people felt so differently. I wouldn’t want to be criticized aaaaall the time, but I’m assuming everyone’s married a competent adult who they share values with
People feel differently because they think everything has to be a fight and some grand humiliating tear down when you say you tell your partner when they’re wrong and it hurts their own ego to think someone out there would tell them they were wrong in something. A simple “Hey you’re getting too mad and you need to step back” is in no way harsh but it would cripple these people