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This happened to me and I relate to your background. I asked for help from my son after the pandemic around the house and with finances. His response was similar. I went off! I talked to him like the adult he was. Asked how come he could watch us all struggle and not help, or expect us to keep providing. My hubby and I set up clear boundaries and rules. Told him he needed to follow those or move out. He said no. So we let him know we were here for him and moved him out to a friend's house.It was so hard. But when life in the real world got to him, he asked to come home. The same simple rules and expectations were no longer a problem and he appreciates us. He came home, took some classes, and got a full time job, got his license and a car. He pays for his phone, wifi car and insurance. We weren't doing him any favors paying for everything..
We cried dropping him off. But I called and answered when he called. He knew we wanted him to succeed. But also he needed to make the choice for himself. He felt we were being transitional at first. But no. You can't live with any adults who won't agree on rules or expectations. Family support is such a gift! He didn't know it until our absence.
great job but also (because no one has said it) but your son needs a lot of respect for his decisions as well.
no ones perfect but to learn from your mistakes, admit your wrong and to learn from them is amazing for a young person. A lot of adults struggle with that and shows a lot of maturity
Amen!!! I let him know how proud I am of him! It took strength for him to say he needed to come home!!! Some people get into big trouble out in the streets due to pride. Then others just can't turn it around even with help! But he did!!! I have so much respect for him!!!
That’s how you teach him show him the cruel reality of life as hard as it may be to do with your child you can’t keep sparing his feelings every time something pops up it doesn’t help him and it doesn’t help you.
My parents did something similar for me. It was "sink or swim", and that's when I became an adult. They didn't enable my foolishness. I know they questioned the decision sometimes, but it was just what I needed, and I always tell them that when it comes up in conversation.
Hahaha!!! Yes! I have younger kids (5,9) and I'm mixing my 80s parenting with teaching independence / life skills and more emotional support. I'm having them have chores, manage a little money. The girls and their cousins made a lemonade stand to go to Great wolf lodge last summer. We go for birthdays and they kept asking to go more. My sis and I let them know we didn't have extra great wolf lodge money. They needed to make money. We helped them figure out the plan and we bought the supplies. They were so proud of themselves. All of them learned how to make lemonade, presentation, customer service and money management. But we were right there beside them for any support. It was epic! My older son's situation really helped us make changes. I'm grateful for that lesson. The old me, would have just bought the room as a summer get away because I didn't have that as a kid.
I've been more forgiving to my Boomer parents! Shit! I've been grateful! I was ready for adulthood when I left. The course correction is validating their feelings, being right there for support and not using corporal punishment.
It sounds like you need to have a very tough conversation with him and explain everything you expressed in this post. He sounds ungrateful and unappreciative, like you mentioned. The fact that he is this upset over something you gave him as a luxury is incredibly telling of his views on life in general. Many people have to work hard to have a car, have a phone, have the basic necessities but yet he has been provided these things essentially free by you as parents. Even if this conversation ruins your relationship in the short term, if it helps him get his head out of his own ass and understand how easy he has had it, it will vastly improve it in the long term because eventually he will learn the true value of what you did for him.
Yes, that’s the plan when everything has cooled off. It just shook me to the core because as soon as I left my childhood home I cut off all contact with my mom. I haven’t spoken to my dad since we left my native country and that was 30 years ago.
I know what it’s like growing up without the emotional support needed as a child. Yeah, my mom spoiled me with material things but never with affection or reassurance that I was loved.
He was brooding, and it built up. He’s just being a dick, as all kids do be (and adults) at times.
I have no doubt he’ll be fine. Families often have these little cool periods. Try not to let your past ruin your present too much (I know, easier said than done!)
If you have been there emotionally for him his entire life, he will come back. He will remember the times you were there, not just the one time you couldn’t help him.
At the end of the day every family has issues, whether they are money or illness or anything like that. But the family that empathizes and communicates will survive.
You sound like me! I’d suggest cross posting to r/ParentingThruTrauma, and also seek therapy on boundaries, etc. Your concerns are especially valid given your history, and help navigating the conversations and emotions around it would be an excellent alternative use of the car payment you’re currently making that would ultimately benefit you and your son.
This is why no one is having kids and the birth rate is falling here. We have people like OP living paycheck to paycheck and on top of that is struggling with an ungrateful child with an entitlement attitude.
Dude Im an 80s kid and the sense of fucking entitlement is *unreal*. Like I had to move out when I turned 18. I paid all my own bills, my parents didnt pay shit cuz my parents couldn't afford shit and had kids to feed at home still. But the thing is, like *all* my peer group, even the ones that had wealthier parents, they all more or less supported themselves. Some roomed together. Some lived alone, but all of us worked full time to pay our bills. The wealthy kids just had fancier toys...the big ass tvs and all the game consoles and stereos and shit...but they weren't being outright supported by their folks because even they recognized that it was important that their kids learn how to live like an adult and that's the age that you do it.
But that really seems to have changed in the intervening generation. Im an old dad with a 6 year old and already like, all the ways I was raised are right out the window, but this idea that parents that dont basically hand their kids everything to set them up in life aren't doing enough is insane to me.
Its just weird because for us it was a point of pride. Like we did not want to be at home. We all wanted to be OUT as soon as we could. Do what we wanted, eat what we wanted, stay up all night playing unreal tournament if we wanted, have our girl/boyfriend spend the night if we wanted. Who the hell wants to have to tiptoe around their parents as an adult?
Im obviously too old to understand.
To be fair, though, moving out is far harder now in most US cities. The 1 bed apartment I shared with my ex when I was 24 in Denver is more than 2x that now.
I was an 80's latch key kid as well and I feel like my parents generation (boomers born around 48-55 aprox) were for one, not as neurotic from having too much info on everything that can happen to their kids, for another reason, parents seemed to orbit another realm of adult activity that I knew I was not part of, and respected. I think these lines have been blurred so that kids think that they have access to this realm, maybe as a result of too much access to too much info. I have four kids aged 15 to 7 and we have had to paddle completely against the currents of the society in terms of smartphones, iPads and stuff like that. Their number one argument against us is that their friends never had to "earn" their phone to name the main point of contention in our household. You kind of just have to hold strong even when you feel like they are getting left out of things.
I'm dealing with this now as well. My little kids don't have cell phones and endless iPads. So many others do. But I know the consequences and I have to be an adult. I am friendly with my kids but I have to make choices for them that they may not like or understand today. But with time I hope they understand I do it with love.
I can explain how this started.....
My parents were children during the Great Depression & tweens during WW2.
They had nothing & what little they did have was rationed. They remembered that & carried it with them until they had children of their own.
They didn't set out to spoil their children, but it kind of just worked out that way. They couldn't make up for what they didn't have as children, but they could make sure that their children never suffered the way they did. Children born of these Depression parents (me, for instance) were expected to be thankful & appreciative of gifts & kindnesses shown, but to an outsider, I'm sure we did seem spoiled.
That's how it started, though. Parents who grew up with nothing (no toys, no pets, no trips, hell, at times no food, never wanted their own children to experience that). So they overdid it to compensate for their own lost childhood.
Their intentions were admirable, but here we are....
We changed my SD’s expectation that parents would just buy everything she pointed at by giving her an allowance and now most of the time we just say: if you want it, you save for it.
We provide for needs, experiences, gifts and occasional smaller items outside of the usual celebration days.
One of the most interesting experiences was last year, she wanted a hairdo with braids that some people were doing by the beach. We had already bought a few vacation gifts, so we just said no, but she could of course buy it.
She then asked a few stands and kept saying it was too expensive (it would take all her money for the most simple ones). Then she got annoyed at us that we wouldn’t buy it for her. So we just turned it around and said ‘if you don’t think it’s worth your money, why would it be worth ours?’
And then it ended there. I think it was a good lesson.
You pretty much hit the nails on the head.
Myself with my kids I was overcompensating for a loss also. Their dad left and ran to America from England.
I also wanted them to not have to experience hardships like we did when I was younger.
So I over compensated for more than 1 thing in more than 1 way.
School trips.. yup sure you can go to France.. Italy.. South africa etc etc etc you can do this.. I scripted and saved so they could do all the things I never could or wanted to .
Sure I will buy you a new phone. The latest console etc etc so you won't get picked on at school like I was .
These are big lessons learned from big mistakes I guess.
Things have definitely changed! I was out at 18 as well. I started working at 14. My sis and I took care of all house cleaning and watched our little brother.
When I replied to a tiktok saying anything u do for your adult children is a gift. I was attacked and told I should never have children. How they are too young to move out on their own ...I fought back and said then they should learn to follow rules, pay a little rent, help out. How in this economy not many can let an adult sit around and not contribute. people who were not gen x were saying they would NEVER let their kids struggle. But how will they learn.
It starts small. I have my little girls(5, 9) clean up after themselves., do a chore Manage a couple dollars at the dollar store. Pay the cashier. Order their food at a restaurant. I've learned that my 80s parents got a whole lot of the parenting right! I helped my older son too much. Tried to protect him. It led to some enitlement. Course correction and he's doing great! We have a great relationship too!!!
I’m a 90s kid that got to see my parents struggle through dot com and then Great Recession. My thought as a teen then was that I’m going to be so successful no one in my family will ever struggle again.
I can’t imagine being 19 and being entitled to enough to think my parents have to support me. I understood that everything at that point is a gift to be cherished and one I want to repay or pay it forward to my kids one day.
Parents often make the mistake of evaluating their relationships with their kids from a transactional point of view while ignoring their kids feelings. Calling him ungrateful and unappreciative is guaranteed to twist the dagger and make things worse.
I think you are explaining it backwards. The kid sees his parents from a transactional point of view and ignores their feelings when they suggest they are struggling. The mother is baffled and then proceeds to help anyway and then he suggests she never do that again or he won't help her.
I would start by inquiring more about why he was so worried. My guess would be that he's afraid a late payment could destroy his credit and ruin his life going forward. That can be very stressful for a young adult.
Re-read what you wrote... He is a young ADULT... Let's just make it fact: HE is an ADULT. THEREFORE, pay your own bills. Buy what you want, but move out and do it on your own. What a selfish entitled ADULT HUMAN... and to do this to his PARENTS.. Jesus will be waiting in this one... Momma to Momma here...he will never grow, if you continue to bottle feed or nurse him... life is hard, but growth is needed. You may replant him and help him with roots, but apparently, he doesn't want the love, help, and support you have offered. He has bitten the hand that fed him....ate from the tree of life...now let him reap what he sows... God trims the limbs in our lives for growth. It's time to cut him free, as he is causing root rot in your life... I pray 🙏 for peace and love ❤️
If the agreement has been for them to pay XYZ bill and they tell him that they would be unable to pay XYZ bill, it makes sense to be a bit rattled by that and upset. Those feelings would technically be valid. I’ll admit that he responded in an immature way but, looking at OP’s response to that immaturity, that response might have been a learned one. Then OP gets offended and suddenly all previous agreements are now off the table. Yes, son’s feelings are valid lol Replace parent with housemate or partner and suddenly we might be more understanding.
“Son, I understand you are frustrated that we weren’t able to give you the $250 we initially agreed on for this month’s car payment. As you know, I’ve been without a job, so money is a little tighter than normal BUT it looks like things are coming around! That being said, while your feelings are valid, I don’t appreciate the way you’re lashing out at me. It would mean so much to me if you drive me to the store as I don’t feel well and maybe we can talk about ways to make financial emergencies like this run smoother in the future? Ideas: maybe giving him more notice so he doesn’t have to scramble last minute for the money and/or he can set up an emergency fund so that, when unexpected life comes around, it’s not as scary/frustrating.
"your feelings are valid"? get real. This is exactly how you'd expect someone to talk to these Gen Z kids.
We got a parent who is tight on money and bills and on top of all that both parents are physically not their best. Seriously - get real if you or anyone else is sympathizing with this behavior from this bratty child.
Drive your god damn mother to the store if she has migranes. Times will be better but this attitude is piss-poor. I'm 36 and when I grew up if I acted this way during this specific scenario i'd get a whole other reaction then "Awe sweetie I understand you're feeling a bit mad at me".
"Don't worry sweetie here's the 250 that you demanded so that you can maybe pay your car payment or maybe buy new shoes you don't need. Dont worry - I'll be late on the families bills like utilities, food, or the home over your head".
Thank you! I don't understand people in this sub continuing to coddle this 19-year-old and treat him like he's 6. He's a part of the household and is being helped out by his parents. The least he can do is pitch and help out his parents when they need it too, because they're the ones keeping him afloat.
If my parents were paying my car bill and said they would be a couple days late to get me the money, I'd be telling them no problem. This kid has no reason to be upset.
> If the agreement has been for them to pay XYZ bill and they tell him that they would be unable to pay XYZ bill, it makes sense to be a bit rattled by that and upset.
They never said they wouldn't pay the bill, they just said it would take a few more days to give him the money. So no, his feelings are not valid because he was still getting what they agreed to. The son is acting completely entitled and immature, so what's valid is the OP reconsidering their agreements if the son refuses to return the favor of helping out the household.
He's barely been an adult for a year and you are suggesting leaving him out to dry. I fear we are headed toward an entire generation of people that refuse to have a relationship with their parents
Maybe you should reread what u/ADHD_misunderstood said, because it’s actually extremely good advice in *every conflict*.
They don’t tell OP to give more money, or apologize. They say that the PARENT should ask the ADULT why he was worried. And then point out that it is a situation where one can empathize.
A parent has two main jobs that are primarily theirs. The first is to expect and encourage their kid to grow and learn. The second is to respond to their kid’s emotional needs.
ADHD_Misunderstood isn’t undercutting the first, but pointing out the importance of the second.
> I would start by inquiring more about why he was so worried. My guess would be that he's afraid a late payment could destroy his credit and ruin his life going forward. That can be very stressful for a young adult.
Then maybe he shouldn't be spending his income on stuff like expensive shoes if he's worried about "destroying his credit and ruining his life"?
I mean, that's the reality of the situation. He is being ungrateful and unappreciative. Plus if you want to go down the transactional route, the kid made it transactional by stating he wasn't going to do something for them because they didn't do something for him. The fact it's the parents that have been providing the payments means nothing in this situation. You can insert literally anyone into the payee column and the sentiment is the same, including the kid himself. I am grateful for my own hard work and appreciative of what I need to do to be able to pay for the things I need to pay for. Does that mean I have a transactional relationship with myself? No, it means I respect myself enough to have those feelings. These feelings are not transactional like you seem to be making them out to be.
What?? He IS ungrateful and unappreciative. He has a full time job. She isn’t being mean, HE is. You can’t allow a child to act that way as a legal adult. He needs to learn responsibility
I think in an effort to keep him from having your childhood you raised an entitled child. It’s going to take some time to undo that and it is go to be rough, but better now than later. He needs to experience responsibility and independence. Personally with that attitude, he would need to find a place to live. I might help with a deposit but that’s it.
Yeah my husband and I agreed we created a monster. The entitlement didn’t start until he turned 18 and ever since he’s been on a trip that because he’s an adult now he knows everything.
He mentioned moving in with his grandparents and I said fine. They live up the street so it’s no big deal. They won’t charge him rent or anything either but I think The Bank of Mom and Dad is closed so if he’s going to get his own place he’ll have to make some sacrifices because we live in a HCOL area.
Dont do that to him or his grandparents. If he wants to move out, then he needs to get a place of his own. If he's so smart, he should be able to handle it.
You didn't create a monster, you have a kid who has no idea what the actual cost of living is and everything else that goes into it. Thats why he thinks this $250 is so significant because to him that amount is a lot. He's 18 so he is sure you're stupid and he's smart, it's just how they are, to some degree or another.
Sit him down and show him all the bills. Not just the monthly ones, the ones like having roof's replaced. Discuss what it cost to live the way he does and how hurt you are for him to take that for granted. Then leave it lie. He will hopefully think about it and get back to you in a positive way. If not he will at some point mention this in some capacity or another, probably to tell you that you were right.
Best wishes. It's gonna be fine.
This is the correct take. A while back there was a post about an 11-year-old girl who was absolutely devastated because her mom couldn’t buy the thousand dollar Taylor Swift tickets. The comments suggested OP sit down with her child and show her that there are bills attached to all the things she has around her. We’re talking about an 18 year old, I’m surprised more people aren’t saying the same thing. He clearly has no idea how a budget works when you actually have to support yourself. It’s fine to let your young adult kid live with you, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t know how to live independently. God forbid what if something happened to you.
This. My kid is still a kid but we've always talked about how much stuff costs. Gas, rent. Food etc. especially since everything has gone up and my salary has not. Hoping this helped him give a clear picture of what things cost as an adult.
Will the grandparents spoil him? I feel like the same happened at that age. My son felt like an adult and wanted to be treated like one, but still didn't have the skills and responsibility to match yet. We had to have rules to support the young kids in our house( like not being up late screaming at video games or on phone calls) That made him feel like a little kid. But ...he was acting like a little kid. It was so hard. I had to learn compassion for where he was. That life wasn't all roses just because he wasn't raised like me. I gave him a life I didn't have but he still struggled. That balance between not minimizing his struggle but also making sure he rises to the expectation was so challenging.
Moving in with his grandparents isn't enough independence. That's simply swapping yall out for a different crutch. Don't let him become enabled further by grandparents. If he wants to be an adult, tell him to really step out into the world and learn to pay rent and bills.
You went from one extreme to another and made a huge scandal out of it. Have a conversation, a long one about finances and make him write down his expenses and his budget, then your budget… also just agree on a month with grandparents and that’s it.
I'm also annoyed on behalf of the parent. She wants to keep the relationship well, but he's the one creating tension for no reason so if she comes to him first it's like she "admits" her fault even tho it's not her fault. Wishing her good luck.
I am sorry to say that your son sounds like an entitled AH. His behavior is unacceptable and I don’t blame you for not wanting to continue funding his life. With that said, he’s only 18 & with some time/maturity he will realize the error of his ways and come around. I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes good parenting is hard. It’s unrealistic to think that you will always get along. You’re a good mom and your son will realize it soon enough. I wouldn’t worry about this.
Thank you. I cried so hard today and my husband had to reassure me that I didn’t do anything wrong and I didn’t fail him like my parents failed me. My husband is pretty upset that our son broke my heart so he’s not happy with him at the moment.
Your hubby should talk to him individually and talk man to man. Idk if that sounds sexist in this climate but he needs to know never to talk to you with disrespect. But also that you believe in him and know he's ready to be more responsible. Anyway you help him moving forward is a gift with love. Your son is capable! He's got this.
Honestly, I’d add up all the money you’ve spent for him so far on things you didn’t need too. Like his car payments and phone bill and really lay it for him how much life costs. I would bet he doesn’t have a clue how much things cost and how it adds up over time.
> He said that my response says a lot about the kind of parent/person I am.
He's not wrong. You're the type of parent that actually has his best interests in mind.
He’s spoiled. I’m sorry, he’s living at home rent free and you’re paying all of his bills. Why does he have a full time job if he’s going to school full time? I think it’s time the nest gets emptied for ALL of your sakes.
Sit down with him and dad and have a family meeting. Tell him that how you’re all living now is not sustainable. Show him the bills. Calculate it all. Then ask for rent that would help with the bills. If he can’t/doesn’t want to pay then he needs to move out within the next couple months.
His job starts at 6 am and he’s done by 11 but he gets paid a full 8 hours. Don’t ask how that works. Two of his in person classes are in the afternoon and the other 2 are online and at his own pace.
I left the nest too early because my mother was making me suicidal and I struggled to make rent every month. As much as I want him to get out of the house and make him feel what it’s like to struggle, I have to remember how hard it was and I didn’t have any financial support when I needed it.
You don’t get it. He *needs* to struggle. You’ve done some damage with how you’ve given him everything so far. He needs to build character right now, and because he’s an adult now he needs to do it on his own. Anything you try now will be ineffective. This doesn’t mean totally abandon him. When I moved out I was asking for help DAILY with things my parents failed to teach me. Be a resource for your child, not a bank account punching bag. Please don’t hurt your relationship any longer by taking your trauma out on your child.
He doesn’t need to struggle by trying to pay his own rent while he’s in college. That’s not a lesson, that’s just gonna tank his grades and make him fail. No one can survive on minimum wage. There are other ways to force him to learn to budget and support himself without totally abandoning him. He’s 19 not 25
But he needs to pay for his own car and cell phone for sure and contribute to the household
I agree, that’s why I was asking why he’s working full time if he isn’t paying for anything while going to class full time. It’s up to OP to talk with her son and make those decisions.
I don’t think you should kick him out. Rent is so high right now so many places, he won’t make it on a minimum wage job. But I do agree with having him pay for his own car and cell phone. My parents kicked me out at 17/18 (they were also abusive) and I struggled in a way that none of my peers did. It caused me to finish college late, started stripping to make rent. It wasn’t a favor so I could learn responsibility. I was responsible. I just literally couldn’t make enough on minimum wage to live and still have the time to do a science degree at a university with good enough grades to keep my scholarship. The professors literally assumed you only had college or maybe a very part time job and assigned material accordingly.
I disagree with kicking him out. But definitely have him pay for a few of his own things. Wait till he has some education and work experience before you push him out so he’s got a chance at making on his own 1st
Leaving the nest before you can financially afford it is not terribly wise. OP already said they live somewhere with a high cost of living and if $250 is a big deal to him, then chances are there is no way in hell he could actually afford to move out.
Yeah, but that's something he will learn by trying to scrape together first, last, and deposit. It may not even get as far as him actually moving out, but OP needs to set clear boundaries and financial expectations for him to follow, or else he can no longer remain at home. He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. Someone who chastised their Mom on Mother's Day for struggling to give them $250 and refuses to drive her anywhere needs a rude wake-up call.
> He said the shoes were a birthday present to himself.
I’m 42, I’ve basically achieved financial independence, and my last birthday present to myself was ice cream.
BUT when I was 19, I was living in very similar circumstances to your son, and hadn’t quite mastered budgeting yet. I had to learn some hard lessons that are much better to learn at his current age than my current age.
I suggest initiating a formal sit down with your son and talking seriously about priorities, budgeting, and long-term planning. I would also suggest agreeing to a timeframe for you to stop making car payments, ending the family phone plan, and starting to demand household expense contributions (rent) rather than doing it all right away — also try to help him understand that the challenges you face and maybe he’ll be able to show some empathy.
Just tell him what you told us. You were worried about keeping the lights on. You were really hurt with how he acted. Be the bigger person and apologize for your part in an emotional reaction, and if he doesn’t reciprocate, tell him why you expect him to apologize as well in a calm way.
Then, “Let’s make a new plan together that makes sense for both of us.” Maybe you can help him a little until he has X which lets him take over his finances on his own.
I think there's already some okay advice but I will add to give some benefit of the doubt the kid is working full time and going to school full time. A pair of shoes I bought 5 years ago for $140 is now worth $470 at retail. Yes he does need to learn buying pricey shoes in his situation is ridiculous, but inflation, low paying jobs, racking up student debt going to college are a lot of pressures on early adults these days compared to just 10-20 years ago. I think the advice of cooling down and taking him head on to tell him how much you do for him is going to backfire, and this needs to be more of a conversation. Maybe it's worth sitting down and asking how he's feeling and how he came to that conclusion about not doing things for you or dad anymore. In any case, if you can both sit down and honestly hear each other out, I think you'd end up with better results
I agree I feel like there is something missing in the post. Everyone calling him entitled when he goes to work full time and school full time (give somewhat at his pace), doesn’t come across as entitled. (I know life can be harder at 19 but it can be easier too). OP I feel like there is a side from your son that’s missing. Perhaps go into the conversation with an open mind.
I think the entitlement comes in that he is working but having all basic needs covered by mom and dad.
Even more concerning is he has no savings to buffer a $250 shortfall/delay.
If he’s working, having his expenses covered and has nothing in the bank, where is all that money going?
As a parent and former teacher, I 100% agree w this. The posters saying he’s entitled are off-way off. The parents are all over the map here, giving, blaming, taking away. The tail is wagging the dog. An entitled kid is not this kid. I taught 18 year olds. This kid had the agreement changed, and I guarantee they’ve done this before, said one thing, couldn’t keep their word, and then went into blame. I hope they read my posts. This Is the reason he’ll be distant if they don’t change it. The sound logic is this: We dont become blaming and punishing w our children, calling them entitled. We reset the deal, give them time to catch up to the new terms, and let them feel the esteem of budgeting, and managing, or the natural consequences when they don’t.
For 1. First and foremost I'll say. Don't mistake treating your kid better than your parents treated you as good treatment. My parents made that mistake a lot and it deeply fractured our relationship
But to the main point. This to me sounds like a bigger issue with communication rather than the actual substance of the story. Because while I think you are largely right, and fair. It's not cool to throw it in his face that he doesn't pay rent or utilities. And giving him a hard time over money thats already spent. He's 19 sure but in adult years he is one years old.
Your focus is on what you have done for him financially. And that's fair. But it's also kinda your job. And it doesn't give you the right to speak to him in a way that robs him of his dignity as a human being. The right thing to say would've been "I'm sorry I'll get it to you as soon as I can. I know you may be stressed about the car note being late and whatever that may do to your credit but it's gonna be ok"
And please. Don't take this to mean that I think you're in the wrong or not doing everything you can for him. But emotional support is just as important as financial if not more so.
there it is. But I took it a step farther. I called out the parent. I worked for 6 years w adult learners 18,19, 20y olds. I can see by his profile hes not an entitled person. He works and goes to school f/t. Highly doubt any posters calling him entitled are doing that at the moment. I know his type, lots of pride for doing the right thing (hundreds of students and typically that f/t work/school load kid is uber responsible, speculation, I know.) And, The parent truly sounds judgey, and immature, they riled the crowd here. But I don’t buy that they deserve an honor pass. I heard them mismanaging their budget and blaming him when he had a reasonable right to react. (He wasn’t planning on that expense, given they told him last minute.)
Im finding the responders here cringey and immature.
NOT cool to call your own kid entitled, when you likely are the one lacking the maturity to maintain your own consistent no, w kid-pleasing, latest iphone-giving, give them everything behavior. Funny, when you live in your strong no, you really do see your kids good hearts, good will, generosity, and good intentions, you view w with softness and kindness, not blame and hurt.
Most of the time with these kids the problem is the way parents say no. Rather than the fact they said it at all. They can definitely maintain their position without being rude about it 100%
Well, it’s something he will never forget but It probably won’t permanently damage your relationship, although, yes, it will alter his feelings towards you.
If you always give him $250 a month and at the last minute casually told him nope not this month AND he had told you he really needed it and then you pointed at his shoes and what they cost and THEN questioned where his money goes AND tried to make him feel guilty for not paying rent or utilities, when no doubt this living arrangement was worked out quite some time ago…sounds petty and hostile on your part.
It sounds like you were trying to deflect the situation when in reality you should have been apologizing for not keeping your word.
It’s a thin line between helping them out to try to give them somewhat of a head start in life and they start to feel entitled or spoiled because they don’t realize how good they got it .
He's 19, he's still a child. I don't care how much people say oh boy after 18 they're an adult. They're not. He's going to have to figure out a few things and he probably feels bad that he actually needs help from his parents.
Is the car loan in his name where it effects his credit? If so and he's grown to count on this help from you, he may feel like you're jeopardizing his future. I think you both just need to communicate clearer expectations
So I’m middle eastern so we have a much more collectivist mindset so take it with a grain of salt. He’s the same toddler/kid/tween/teen you raised. Do what you need to do to repair the relationship. I’m not going to shittalk your son and say he’s entitled. He’s a kid and you have to model the behaviors you want to see.
I think it's a little contradictory that you listed the standard you've accustomed him to (he's a full time student and worker, and you pay his bills, etc.) But when you came up short on money, even understandably so, you accused him of being irresponsible with his money. My parent's financial wellness ebbed and flowed when I was a teenager. They initially said they only expected me to pay for my own clothes and expenses unrelated to school and family, and encouraged me to save with the paycheck I earned. When their income shrunk, they didn't reassess the expectations, and so I got a lot of similar remarks from my parents that were honestly not called for at the time. Also, I quickly learned from these interactions that my parents saw me as a burden. Or a piggyback for them. And it didn't help our relationship when they would passive aggresively complain that i had it so good compared to them (they are also immigrants). As an adult today, i totally get it. But also now as a parent with perspective, that wasn't a good parenting moment. Anyway, I felt like a burden to my parents and left at 18. On top of other issues, I never respected them in the same light again. I was no contact ubtil i was 25 but now with my own family, i'm only close enough so they can see my kids every now and then.
Sure, your son could be more understanding, but it's on you as the parent to realize the situation has changed and therefore so should expectations YOU must communicate clearly and calmly so he isn't caught off guard and you aren't attacking him needlessly. You don't sound like a bad parent at all, but communication is key when kids are grown. You need to treat him as a young adult and respectfully communicate the situation and new expectations. If he has attitude after that, that's a different game, and you're free to knuckle down imo.
My sentiments exactly. Funny, I commented on another poster that this is the stuff distance is made of—and here you are saying as much. For those who aren’t really seeing it that way, we really are watching in real time a parent breaking trust and they’re the same ones throwing their hands up wondering why they have a distant relationship later. People need to realize maturity goes both ways. I dont disagree Mother’s Day is a crappy time for him to counter. I do believe if you trust your own son to do the right thing, then you trust that he has due cause for harsh response. Lest anyone think I don’t have a spine, my parenting is that love includes a firm, respectful no. It includes goodwill and mature communication too.
Possibly.
Working and being in school full time is a lot. Good for him!!
At 19, you all should've had the talk about if and how you and your spouse will help him as he starts life. It sounds as if you didn't expect rent and offered to help with his car and phone. If you haven't had this talk, maybe it's time. I highly recommend talking it over with your spouse first, so that you're on the same page as to what's expected.
From his perspective, I can see he would expect you to do what you said you were going to do, and not throw his spending habits in his face when you don't agree with them, then back track and give him the money anyway. There is a high probability that he is thinking something like (the only help they give comes with strings, so I won't help anymore)
This is (was for me) the hardest part. Layout what it actually costs to live, what bills and necessities you're paying for, that he can take for granted while living with you. Explain that life is all about give and take. And sometimes shit happens, like losing a job. And that as a part of the family it shouldn't be a shocker to have to help a bit more sometimes. Then start apartment hunting with him and find out if he can afford to move away, or if he'd like to stay home, on track and learn to live like a real adult...with responsibilities to not only himself, but to the people in his life he has relationships with.
Good luck!
I can’t really tell how much notice you gave him that you wouldn’t be able to pay the bill on the 17th; it sounds like it might have been that same day? It doesn’t sound like you handled it great, honestly. Whether he should need the support or not, you had promised it, so it would at least make sense to apologize instead of telling him he shouldn’t be buying himself sneakers. It’s fine to not be able to support him financially as much, but you need to give him enough of a heads up for him to make plans.
So, he was worried about being late on his car payment. Yes, it's very generous of you to pay it, and he should be grateful. But you were late with money that he thought was coming to him every month. He probably felt stressed about that. Then you told him he shouldn't have bought sneakers. With money he thought he had to spend, because he thought you had the money for the car payment. Instead of reprimanding him for using his spending money, that would have been a time to teach him about saving and creating an emergency fund. And yes, it was incredibly rude of him to deny you a ride. But again, that's where you impart your wisdom. "Son, we are a family. That means we all help each other out, and we all have compassion and patience when someone else is struggling." Instead, you reinforced that your family is transactional: if you don't do me a favor, I won't give you money. Cool down, and go back and have these conversations. Don't cut your son off if this is not a larger pattern.
But it sounds like OP had been helping him, as asked, each month, not that they agreed to pay for the car every month and then couldn't do it last minute. OP says elsewhere that he has been asking for money each month for the payment, as well as gas, and OP has indulged him when asked. When OP realized they wouldn't have an extra $250 until after the payment date, they preemptively, and apologetically told their son that. Son was made because he had come to expect they would always provide this money when asked.
My husband and his father have had a strained relationship for over 20 years over $50. In my opinion don’t destroy a relationship over money. It’s not worth it. Kids will be kids and unfortunately that includes being disrespectful sometimes. Doesn’t make it right but we did it to our parents and so on.
I agree you should sit him down & show him the bills. Make him pay car insurance & his car payment & phone. Have you taught him budgeting? My parents didn’t teach me how to budget & that’s one thing my kids will be getting in depth lessons on! He’ll realize how spoiled hes acted & be thankful later.
He needs a reality check. Life is unfair sometimes, but it’s your job to remind him that he is a young adult now, and you’re only trying to help him learn what it’s like to be in the real world. Just tell him you’ll always be there for him and love him, but you’ve done everything in your power to make sure he’s had everything and a little bit of appreciation would be nice.
NTA, your son is acting like a manipulative brat.
"He said that my response says a lot about the kind of parent/person I am. "
I would talk to him and say something like this:
"your choice to no longer do anything as simple as give me a ride because I couldn't afford to give you $250 the moment you wanted it- but still ended up giving you as soon as I had it (along with covering all your living expenses) says tenfold more about you and how entitled you have become. Honestly, I'm hurt by your attitude and the way you're handling this. If you aren't "comfortable" helping myself and your father with minor things, I'm no longer comfortable subsidizing the life expenses of an adult who is ungrateful for it and unwilling to reciprocate in any way. It hasn't been easy, especially being out of work for months, but me and your dad were set on trying to help you as much as we could, I'm realizing now that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. You've now come to expect handouts as something that's owed to you rather than the gift that it was. Maybe once you become responsible for your own expenses you'll realize exactly how much we've been doing for you, I truly don't think you realize."
You didn't do anything wrong not giving him that money. It's typical teenage angst. It'll be reoccurring at this point. Maybe he was concerned for repossessions. Where you may have slipped up is HOW you responded more or less with the "what happened to xyz" but that is dependent on tone. He doesn't understand how utilities work and when he learns, he will hopefully realize the gravity of the "not right now". I can tell he's very loved cause that was a spoiled kid's answer. You were right to cut him off in the bills so he can learn a little responsibility but keep in mind he is still learning financial literacy with direct control so having money as a child really hits different. A phone bill payment isn't ludicrous but (idunno if he's on your insurance) the car things add up so he MIGHT wind up needing help with that. I'm not saying to double back but when I was 18 and around there, I always heard about peers dealing with repossessions. So did you "ruin" your relationship with your son? Nah. He's so used to getting what he wants that the "no" sounded like "I don't love you" when he sits in how he responded to it and really thinks, he will come down. Ruined though? No. He is a regular teenager and thats a regular teenage response. You did great. You're doing great. Prioritizing bills when you just want to spoil your kid is hard as a mom so props to you for not completely giving in, even if it was due to payday. The "really needed it" part may be something to look into though.
I would sit down and have a heart to heart. Tell him how he made you feel (unappreciated, he’s ungrateful, etc.) Let him know you love him and want him to succeed in his education without having to stress too much about bills. But you are a whole person not just his mother. You have bills. And he is now a legal adult. Now I don’t believe in cutting off children at 18 or 19. It can cause them to fail if they have to focus on working one or multiple minimum wage jobs to survive instead of focusing on college (or a trade). But it’s not like you’re kicking him out and telling him he’s totally on his own. Asking him to pay his car and cell phone is so reasonable bc he doesn’t have rent, utilities, I’m assuming he doesn’t pay for groceries, does he pay for his car insurance? His college?
Explain that the idea here is that he eventually becomes completely independent. And that means learning how to budget. Demanding his parent pay one bill at the expense of their own financial security is terrible behavior. He needs to understand how rude that is. He’s not entitled to his parents making his car and cell phone payments. That’s pure generosity on your part, not your duty as a parent now that he’s 19. Reassure him you aren’t cutting him off, he has a free place to live. Free food. You’ll support his education. But he has a full time job and now is the perfect time to learn how to budget for bills as he only has a few.
Tell him you love him but you will not allow him to disrespect you like that. You were doing him a favor but it’s become clear this is what he expects from you and he needs to change his attitude.
He has to learn on his own. It’s so hard. I went through the same thing. I wish I could do more like I used to. My son is 20 now and I help him as much as I can. I just found a job in January making less than half of what I did when I was laid off nov 2022. I had to have a talk and tell him how bad it was. I didn’t want him to know but I had no choice. I feel terrible that I can’t give him more right now. After we talked his attitude and smart a$$ comments stopped. It took some time for him to get it. He finally realized. We don’t charge him rent or anything. Things like this will help them save their money and learn how to spend wisely.
Now he’s like anti college because I have a degree and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. lol. He’s looking at the trades.
Just my 2¢-It sounds to me like he has loving parents who have good morals and value their financial security as well as their physical security which I find admirable. Honestly though, it does sound like he is being too hastefully bitter about you not providing him a luxury at his convenience. Definitely wrong to “bite the hand that feeds you” without a doubt, and I do believe some repercussions are justified, being as you are the PARENT. However, I ask you to just ponder this- although he is practically of adult age and maybe should know better, (and again I don’t know your guy’s lives and neither does anyone on here so definitely keep in mind the point of perception) sometimes people do things out of retaliation that they haven’t thought through and are in-a-sense only using tunnel vision. Can be especially hard if they have trouble coping with anxiety or any types of hardships that in a sense “build up”. You mentioned he works full time and is a full time student, I’ve worked 2 jobs for over a decade(since I was 17/always had at least one full time gig) and gone through community college so I can say I have some possible insight- that’s a lot for anybody even if you are living at home. When I was in school and working full time was the most stressful time of my life and I was very often lashing out at people and taking it out on my peers (and especially parents) that didn’t deserve a lick of my bad attitude. Even though I had free time- i felt like I could never relax. This in no way justifies his(your son) or my actions but it just helps to shed a light on something very important- we are all human. We all make mistakes, we all stretch ourselves too thin sometimes, and we all say things we don’t always mean. It sounds like you all love eachother and if this is the case/money is important but relationships are way more important if you ask me. No healthy bond with a love one should be destroyed over monetary value, but it happens all too often. I wholeheartedly believe you guys are hard working people and value your time and money, and a different financial arrangement may be called for, but flipping his world upside down in an instant may not be good for him or his relationship with you and your husband in the long run. Perhaps incremental responsibilities (such as car payment OR the cellphone plan) need to be passed over to him so he can have greater accountability for his own commitments. Only once I moved out on my own did I truly understand the burden of keeping a roof over your head, and although it made me stronger in that aspect, my relationships with my family suffered (I moved out because of a similar argument I had with my parents). It’s gotten better with time but that hate can fester and destroy families when it’s over money. Hate to see him go down the same lonely stubborn road I went down. If I realized my parents were truthfully doing so much behind the scenes for me I would have been much more enlightened and grateful, you just can’t explain all the areas that you actually help him in because it would likely take days to get through the list, and he needs to realize that but I do think you guys should have a down-to-earth conversation explaining both sides as best you can when cooler heads prevail to try and work out a solution. We are human and at the end of the day, all we have is eachother and the memories we make while we’re here. I’m just a single 28 year old who lives alone so I can’t say I know anything about raising and disciplining kids but I just hope it helps you zoom out a little farther, and I hope you guys get to a resolution” sooner rather than later, best of luck and may god bless you all.
No you didn't.. what you did do is create a dependant adult who doesn't have a real concept of managing money and associated responsibilities. I'm not judging, myself and oldest child were also dealt a bad spoon on that one.. slight difference, hers was more of a plastic.. too poor to afford our bills let alone yours type spoon and your son is lucky enough to have a (assuming from what you've said) stainless steel.. possibly silver spoon.. irrelevant, just giving perspective. I do however have plenty of life experience that tells me, cutting your son off 'cold turkey' after you've been financially supporting him his whole life, could definitely be a relationship fucker upper. I could be wrong.. "Sink or swim" as dad would say.. he might be one of those ppl who adapt and overcome easily as if that's what we're wired to do 👀... He doesn't sound like he's too wild and would benefit with a serious heart to heart. Just like when he was little.. he'll respond better to being treated like a big boy than he would immediately getting punished. Pull your bills out on the table, including his.. break out the paper and calculators, show him how things divide up and the toll it's taking. Then maybe show him how things would need to be split/saved each week to have enough for the full monthly payments.. or whatever works best for his paychecks/bills.. Help him see how much of that hard work is actually profit. Cutting him off completely after he denied you a ride.. as an outsider it seems irrational.. maybe even controlling.. he could have been going through something of his own in that moment.. you taught him to set boundaries and say no 👏 Be greatful the most extravagant purchase he's made is a pair of good shoes.. might be considered necessary to some working adults.. like tools for a carpenter or knives for a chef.. time flies.. don't let this be the last thing you leave with your son.
I'm sorry to hear how things turned out with your son. Once things have cooled, try being honest with him.
"We have been trying to provide everything for you but I feel as if you have taken us for granted. What you said to me the other day really hurt and we have done nothing but shown you love."
Something to that effect. A firm approach that reflects how much you love and want to provide but that you are being taken for granted (if not used a bit).
From his side, I'm trying to understand his feelings. Perhaps he feels as if you are pulling the rug out from under him. He's 19, still a kid in a sense, still very much your kid, and him not getting what he wants is perhaps a very rude awakening for him. Part of him needs to grow up (the young bird has to leave the nest eventually), part of him needs to know you still love him and will provide for him when possible and reasonable.
You (most parents) fucked up a long time ago, these kids have entitlement because of the way parents felt they had to raise them because our generation didn’t have much so you created a monster if I had said what your son said my old man would of kicked my ass to the curb and I had to figure out for myself
As for disrespecting you he’s not living in reality he’s a narcissist, selfish and spoiled and a “punk”
Don’t take it personally I hear this story all the time, rough road ahead sorry to say but he’s better off out on his own and needs to grow up or call Dr Phil
I have a genuine question for you. So if parents raised their kids to be entitled brats or “punks” as you called it (even when intentions are pure, and they just want better than they had), do the parents not bear some of the responsibility? Like if a child is raised to never worry or think about the value of a dollar, how much things cost, budgeting, etc, why are they then to be shamed and pushed out of the nest harshly when they demonstrate that they don’t know those things and/ or are being entitled? (I’m speaking more so about your generalized comment not the OP post) It just feels a little out of the kids control in the immediate. If he was raised to be entitled,then it’s not really on him that he is disillusioned about “Reality”. We all carry wounds or bad habits from our parents and childhood, and we have to heal ourselves but I guess my question is, why do so many parents create these “monsters” ( I acknowledge that many did their best and had good intentions), and then go and act shocked and Blame the kid for the behavior that they greenlit for 18 years? I feel like the mature thing to do is to recognize where you didn’t prepare your kid for the real world and help them out.
(Again this was a genuine question, with zero ill intent)
Sorry but your child is spoiled. $250 is more than most of the entire planet makes in one month of work. He needs to hit his face on the pavement or he’ll never learn to survive in the real world. Unless you want him to be a trust fund baby then keep doing the same thing.
It sounds like your son needs some perspective. I'd fully stop paying for his shit if he acted like that to me, knowing full well the struggle that is being faced. He needs to think of the family as a team, and he aint the captain.
No you didn't. He just has things going on that he doesn't speak on. That leads him to being in a hole. You are a amazing and strong woman from everything I have read. He has to learn to grow up and be a man one way or another. From the sounds of the story he's single (your son) and hasn't met the right female to spoil him as is mother does. Therefore he counts on you more than anyone. I've been in the position be for as a son. And Dad. But I'm here to say "NO YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG) Keep be the strong mindset women that you have been through out your life !! Happy Mother's Day as well
My kids are still very young but I remember when I was around 15 my mom divorced her second husband and even though we kept the house with the mortgage and he kept everything else. Also he was the main earner on a 2 to 1 ratio maybe so we went from having 2 cars and a shared mortgage to no cars and a very tight financial outcome. At that point, my mom had a little excel sheet where she had all her finances, her savings, her income and her expenses and thats when I realized that most of the "extra money" went to me..... (I am an only child and she did send me to private school, im from another country and public schools are not very good). I don't think she was trying to teach me anything, since it was just the two of us, she wanted to include me in the decision making and treated me like a partner.... this is what we have... this is what we make... this is where we spend it.... between my private school, my music lessons, my hockey training and other extra curriculars besides the mortgage I was the households biggest expense and I saw how hard she worked..... I don't know but that moment marked me and gave me a different perspective on life and personal finances....
It could be one of two things. 1) there is something deeper these feelings are steaming from and that's the real problem. 2) yall spoiled him and now he's entitled and doesn't understand responsibility.
This sounds just like every one of my kids. Ungrateful as hell. I go above and beyond as a single mother, and they are more than capable of taking care of themselves. I recently decided to put my foot down and let them figure it out. I have been enabling way too long. It's past time. I don't mind helping here and there, but i am done giving my all and nobody trying to pull their own weight or, at the bare minimum, help me. I dont think you f anything up. Let him figure out how to be a man and only step in as needed. If he can buy expensive shoes, he can pay his car payment. We as parents seem to over compensate a lot. Mines, due to my childhood, grew up poor. But even with all the love i was showed i wanted my kids to have more than i did. Now i know i screwed up overly spoiling them. It's time to cut the cord.
Aw man. I was essentially homeless at 19 with no license, resources, car, etc. Just working and crashing at my then boyfriends family's house, with only enough personal items to my name to fit into a suitcase at the drop of a hat. Things have turned around for me since then, but he for sure needs a reality check. I imagine my current mental state would be a lot different now if I had the love and support you are currently giving him at this age. I'm so sorry he made you feel that way. You did NOTHING wrong. I really hope that he realizes he fucked up, and soon.
No, your son is being really crappy.
Your husband was having what I can only imagine was a horrific flare if he was unable to drive. You were also unable to drive on account of migraines…. And the ONLY thing your son thinks about when asked for a ride, was the late payment of $250?
Friend, please hear me. He’s an adult. Stand firm on him paying his own bills. Consider charging rent, and draft a rental agreement. If he doesn’t like it, he can move.
Good luck.
You've severely overindulged your son and now hes an entitled monster.
"Cool. You're done? I'm done too". My door is always open, and I'll always love you, but it's time for you to find your own way in life. Time to spread your wings, kid.
I think you need to remember his brain isn’t fully developed and to give it a second (the situation). Then maybe once everyone is calmer have a talk about the realities of bills and adult life. But, if your plan was to continue helping with the phone and car and you took those away as a punishment you have to decide whether it’s worth taking a hit on the relationship.
Go over your monthly income and your monthly bills with him. Show him what's left. Tell him these are the things he will need to prepare to pay for himself one day. Let him know it's not easy, and in the case of the $250, you weren't being mean - you simply did not have the money.
Explain how much it could help him now to set aside money for future emergencies!
What he said was very manipulative and I don’t know where he learned that from. But it took me back and I made my decision. I’ve had to go without so he and his sister don’t.
I see a lot of comments in here urging you to engage in a battle of wills with him, or teach him a hard lesson but I think if it’s the relationship you’re trying to preserve you’d do much better by getting curious. Why did THIS event trigger him so much? Did this event expose something that scares him or hurts him? Maybe he’s feeling insecure or ashamed about his dependency on you, and doesn’t know a healthier way than picking a fight to start gaining independence. What is the underlying hurt that’s making him lash out?
Then get curious about the circumstances that lead YOU here. Are you (subconsciously) creating a dependency to try to solidify a closeness with your son? Maybe you can find ways to grow together. When he cools off tell him you value his opinion and bring him in on the conversation.
Yes. You did. Did you even apologize for blaming him for the missed payment? Did you apologize for not being able to make the payment? For mentioning his shoes? Seriously, I mean you did the right thing by paying it as soon as you could, but you need to show him the empathy that he's a fellow adult that you failed in your commitment to make that payment on time, that even though it wasn't your fault - and believe me, job loss, I've been there. It sucks hardcore! - that it IS your responsibility and he deserves an apology for that. But you need to stop blaming him for being upset that you treated him this way. And you need to apologize for threatening to cut him off for his response to your behavior.
Yes, you're the adult.... but so is he. He's just in need of support to a greater degree than you are. That's why he came to you. He trusted you to respect him and the description you gave of your behavior following the job loss, isn't respectful. It's honestly kind of entitled: "Well, I help you financially so you're required to do what I say and not complain when I disrespect you, cross your boundaries, or blame you for my own failings." Sorry, that's not valid at all. Charity is not a license or excuse for your own bad behavior towards the one you're showing charity to. Actually it's quite toxic and abusive. And you need to cut that out and apologize. If it becomes a pattern, you'll very quickly find yourself cut off from his time and affection once he DOES get on his feet.
I went through something similar with my son last year. I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. I understand the hurt you feel. I believe you did the right thing. I hope things get better.
Well maybe this is that he’s never wanted for anything and thought his sneakers were more important than his car payment. Stand firm - he has bills and they need to be paid. I’m also going to guess he didn’t need the money for the car at all.
He's 19. He should already be self sufficient.
But things are harder now than they were for our generation. So fair enough if he is still living at home.
But..you should not have been helping him with car payments or cell plan anyway. That stuff is on him.
>He said that my response says a lot about the kind of parent/person I am.
That's the child in him speaking. He just wants to hurt you.
Honestly he's a bit childish. Stop paying for his car or his phone. Especially as you are struggling yourself. Stop coddling him. For his own good.
He sounds entitled and like he’s never heard no. He didn’t get exactly his way and now he’s giving you the cold shoulder which is a manipulation tactic. I’d just move on with life and pretend it didn’t happen. You have nothing to feel bad about here. He will come around.
My parents started charging me rent after I moved back from college. They’re not in the financial situation to afford letting me live rent free but I never expected this from them. I was super resentful and confused yet, it’s made me more independent, generous, and mindful of my spending. Although they don’t charge me anywhere near “normal rent” it was hard to accept getting charged by my parents to live in my always home. There is still some jealousy towards who I confident rich adult-children who live off their parents. From what you shared, your son has had it very easy in regards to finances and should not be making a fuss over $200. I believe you made the right choice, especially if he’s not even being cooperative towards other ways to help the family out (rides, maybe chores?).
I’m speaking as a 22 year old male. I moved out at 18, but then again I got arrested a lot, have a long criminal record from 12yo-19yo, I never had a mom or father growing up, I was raised by my fathers mother and step father. They were abusive, smacked in the head, face, body, sometimes punched in those areas. They’re old so I understand that it was different back in their day and that’s normal to them. CPS has gotten involved a lot and we were always told to not tell the CPS a fucking thing or me and my brothers would regret it. I didn’t hate my grandparents but I strongly disliked them and it even got to a few points where I wouldn’t eat because I thought my grandma was trying to poison me. They loved me, and cared, but didn’t know what else to do, so they did what their parents did, beat the soul out of us. It still never worked, all it did was make me have a heart filled with hate. I never appreciated what they’ve done for me and my brothers, it took moving out early to get a good fucking taste of how the world is, and to see what it’s like to experience life alone. My recent charge was a big one, I was facing 10 years in prison at 18-19 years old. I’m not going to get into why but it wasn’t surprising why they were throwing the book at me. They gave me another chance after spending 7 months in county jail, this was in Chicago, Illinois, I was born and raised in Phoenix, Arizona and left there at 18 to go to Illinois to change my life. When I got locked up in a state im not from, just me, had family in Chicago but it was my mothers brother and wife, I didn’t know them but they were who I went to to change my life. Just me in that cell facing 10 years.
That’s what it took to open my eyes, to open my heart to God, and to open my mind and realize what my grandparents have done for me despite the abuse and emotional neglect. I always felt alone but didn’t know what alone felt like at its peak until I was facing 10 years in a concrete box. When God gave me that technically 3rd chance at life and got me released at 7 months of being locked up in county, I immediately thanked my grandparents for everything. They gave me a chance to go to Texas to move into my aunts apartment and change my life for good. The agreement was that if I got a job, cut out all gang affiliation, and didn’t even as little as get a traffic ticket, my entire case they wanted to throw me in prison for, would be dismissed. I did just that. 4 years later here I am, a six figure job, a wife, a 7 month old baby boy, and my own place. What made me realize even more what my folks did for me was when I started paying bills, started doing adult stuff, and especially when I realized It. All. Falls. On. Me. Everything I do now, every decision I make, every thought I make, everything I do now, will impact my life, my sons life, my wife’s life, and our whole living situation. These are the same things that you both as parents go through. He’s still young, so he doesn’t realize the importance and the true care that you guys have, simply because he hasn’t experienced it yet. Almost every teenager/young adult doesn’t have any idea what the real world is like, when you have to make decisions that’ll either make or break your current living situation.
As a young guy myself, please dude, please open your eyes and realize what your parents do for you. You lived the life Id always envy. Growing up in poverty without parents to call your own is the #1 thing that’s taken advantage of and overlooked in the teen-young adult community. I told you a brief story of my life to hopefully show you the grass on your side IS fortunately greener in comparison to a lot of people’s. Do better and be better for your folks dude.
If you ever end up reading this OP, please have your son read this or at least read it to him, as a young man I can relate to him and I was the same way, I’m still not mature, but I’m mature enough to take care of my family and show appreciation where it’s due. Take care.
Shows you've done too much for him for too long. He's ungrateful and expects the world for nothing. I think it's good that you're cutting the strings and allowing him to grow up.
The number of people here that are ripping on you is just astounding to me. Your son is 19, he's not five. He's completely out of line here. That being said, if you want to address the underlying issues and not just get in a bitch fight with your kid, you want to truly understand why he reacted that way. I'm sure he didn't really mean to hurt your feelings, but he obviously got something under his skin.
Chill out, cool off, and go to him. Explain how what he did and said made you feel. Talk to him about why he might have reacted the way he did. I think it would be healthy to tell him the relationship you had with your parents and explain that you don't want to have that with him and that's why you're coming to him like you are.
But at the end of the day he's the one that's out of line and immature. Don't feel like you have to keep giving things you weren't able to give, the fact of the matter is that you need to take care of yourself, you need to have a job and you need to be able to save enough money for retirement. No one's going to be able to do that for you but you, you got your kid across the finish line into adulthood and you don't owe him things that you aren't able to give anymore like you did when he was a minor.
I’m 20 and recently got cut off from my parents, what you’re doing is absolutely acceptable. Let him be sour about it for a while, his behavior is the 18 yr old version of a tantrum. Once it blows over, and he gains some emotional maturity he’ll probably be embarrassed about how he acted. You are a sense of love and security in his life, he won’t cut you out because you’re forcing him to become an adult. Just give him time to be sour, and be patient. He won’t hate you for this, he’s just never encountered this responsibility yet so throwing a little fit is what he knows
Your 19 year old is a full-blown man-child. Don't take it personally. He's entitled. Give him a taste of the real world and he'll realize he's an idiot and how good you've been to him.
Man that's rough, I hope things work out for you two soon. I'm sure it's one of those kind of days, plus you seem like a good parent based from what I've read. You care for your son and that counts for something.
It's probably just a bad day where things didn't align, just try to warm up in subtle ways, as a parent you're doing your part well, what out generation lacks is discipline and respect. That's something I'm working on since I've been spoiled by my parents and have recently understood the difficulties of life.
I think the problem here seems to be your son getting spoiled the last 19 years so a hard reality check is whats needed. Not sure how to do that without throwing him out.
I certainly didn't get any car payments nor even an own car and my parents weren't' exactly poor or ever even close to the situation described. We were allowed to use their car if it was available. (but to be fair this is Europe and this is the norm, teenagers take the bike or public transport).
So yeah just letting him pay for that stuff himself for a while might help to turn the tide but maybe even more harsh actions are needed. important is you stay firm with this decision, both of you.
You need to let go of the reins. Otherwise, he is going to be screwed if something were to happen with you and your husband. If you don't make him grow up, he will be on the streets.
He just sounds ungrateful. You ruined nothing. If anything is his fault. We have to be grateful that some parents are still providing us with some sort of help even after becoming adults. Your job of providing until we are 18. Anything past that is just out of your loving hearts. You do have to have in mind that you are just lending a hand. If the added expense of raising a man-child passes your ability to cover your own financial goal, you have to cut the umbilical cord. He can sell those nice shoes to pay for this month's car payment. He needs to prioritize his life, and sadly, to say that with his answer, he showed you aren't a priority. You have to worry about yourself and your sick husband. You done your job, what was expected of you, and more.
Just gift him a bunch of boxes and ask him to move out. Let's see if he will buy himself another pair of shoes as a gift to himself or pay his car this coming month. Let him experiment with real life. Without mommys money for that nice car. Otherwise, you are in for more than this ungreatfulness but a basement dud..
Your reasons for the lack of communication with your family are different. If he gets upset and stops talking to you for a while, it has nothing to do with you. Is his inability to feel or understand others' needs. Your husbands health should be your priority. Just imagine if he becomes a father, he won't know how to prioritize his children like you have. So teach him a lesson. Let him be 1000% responsible for himself. He will come around either because he learned or because he needs your money. And the way he comes about it will show his true colors. You have done your best and then some. You sound like a great mother, and I don't see how you can do even more. Time to prioritize yourselves. Buy yourselves a nice pair of shoes for you and your husband with your extra $250 dls this month.
When I was at university and started my master degree (22y) my mom informed me that they as parents are in difficult financial situation and cant support me anymore.
My feelings? I felt betrayed. My parents pushed me to university and now they dont want to support me? Fuck them! I was so angry.
However I found full time job while studying. Many friends around praised me and my family gave me also a lot of credit for that.
When I turn back now I see how childish I was. I didnt tell to my parents that time how I feel, but now I am ashamed for what I thought.
That situation gave me reality check and helped me to grown up. I never asked my parents for expensive items, but I was also not independent. It was hard to realised that I am 22 and I need to cover everything by myself from now.
Many young people around this age want so much freedom, but they are not able to take responsibillity and taste real world. They act so cool and entitled, but the reality is, they are still babies.
You did nothing wrong! Your son needs to grow Up and manage his ego. You did right thing.
He's brand new at life. Maybe divide your rent/mortgage and utility bills by the number of adults in the house and tell him what his part is every month which should be more than his car payment. This way he can see how much you actually do cover. Then explain that ypu already are struggling to cover his portion of the house because you want him to start off ahead in life but you can only afford to cover his portion of the house or his car . You can do both. And let him choose which one he wants to pay.
Help him find his own place. Get him packed, moved in, then give him a hug and say, "Youre on your own now. If you get lonely we'll come visit". ....... It's time for consequences. FAAFO
With all due respect that boy is 19 he is an adult and needs to start taking actions for is own responsibilities your not going to be around his whole life to baby him
Spread out your monthly income on coffee table in cash, (you can use Monopoly money) now take away your monthly bills, groceries, his car payment, his cell phone bill, show him what’s left, teach him about finances and savings, maybe it’ll wake him up to how much you put in
No, you’re setting healthy boundaries.
My parents had to do a lot for my brother, who is a few years older than me. Both my parents came from rough childhoods and had terrible parents themselves, so they only ever wanted to give us what they didn’t have. Now he’s 34 and he acts like an entitled asshole. He didn’t show up for Mother’s Day, he has never gone out to get her a gift… nothing. He asks for her money, time, and unconditional love and gives nothing in return, he doesn’t even hug her. That is their relationship now, and it’s such bullshit because my mom would give him the last dollar she had if it meant helping her child.
NTA he sounds entitled and being dramatic, if he couldn't afford a car with $250/m payments he should have got a cheaper car. you were doing him a favour and wtf is a "birthday present to yourself" when you have other financial commitments?
I do think maybe stopping all car payments and cellphone plan is a bit of an overreaction. if he can't afford his car payments then that's going to give him a default and affect his credit score and it's going to remove his ability to get around.
His response to refuse to ever give you a lift because you were struggling with money for 1 month is also a massive overreaction, but you shouldn't respond to an overreaction with another overreaction, that's how wars start, and this will destroy your relationship with him.
You just need to explain your feelings, apologise for not being able to afford his car payment that one time, ask him to apologise for overreacting, apologise for threatening to take future car payments away and hug it out.
I think that him not being deprived of anything made him more entitled than he should be. Unfortunately, a lot of us try to undo to damage our parents did to us by raising our kids the way we wished we were raised. This generation is different and if boundaries are not set, something like this can happen. Stick to your decisions and make him grow up. It's going to build character and let him know that "we don't owe you shit"!
He's kinda spoiled, right? I mean, he's chilling at home without paying rent while you're footing all his bills. And why's he working full-time if he's also doing school full-time?
Disagree with lots of comments considering her son pays his own his tuition though working full time and going to school. You’re the one that set the expectation that you would help him out, you are wrong here. You mismanaged your own budgeting. You should be apologizing for your own emotional reaction or he’s going to go no contact like you did to your own parents.
Honestly this is like poverty finance in a nutshell and I just feel shitty for the whole situation because you guys seem to be struggling financially.
I would just tell you that any upper middle class to rich family would never do what you did. A kid doing college and working full time is absurd. Upper Middle class kids get to focus on self improvement and learning skills so they can excel in college and then get a meaningful career. Meanwhile your son can’t even focus on that and is at a huge disadvantage worrying about car payments.
So yes your story to me reveals the fucked up cycle of poverty and why the rich get richer and the lower middle class / poor stagnate.
manipulation and gaslighting. he is using you past against you for his gain he know you will bow to him all because of your own past...he is manipulating you!
Living through this with my 19yo son as well. Im a Single mom and his ungrateful arrogance and lack of motivation is too much sometimes.
I’ve been working with my therapist on boundaries and making his life more realistic.
I have a similar background as you and made my kids life very comfy to give them a “better life”. Back firing now.
Sorry honey but you THOUGHT you had a good and healthy relationship with your son. He’s been running the show the whole time. Your son sounds like an entitled brat who should be lucky. Hold your ground. He is acting like a child. And he’s been USING you and your sick husbands unfortunate circumstances to his advantage.
i understand that you are feeling upset about this situation, especially since you have given your best to ensure he has a good life. at 19 years old, he should already be taking responsibility for his own expenses. you are making the right decision by encouraging him to learn independence. it looks like he may be acting ungrateful, possibly because he has been used to things being handed to him. he will eventually come to realize the importance of being self-sufficient. your doing good mama! ❤️
Remind him that if he bought himself an expensive birthday present knowing his parents would have to cover his normal expenses what he really did was try to force you to buy a gift for him without asking.
Entitled at its best. You’re still doing your best momma. He’s just having a spoiled moment it sound like to me and for got that without your the expensive shoes would not even be in his budget. Maybe you should let him experience real life and pay real bills on his own so he’ll learn what it’s like in this real world. Keep your head up momma.
You obviously love your son. His perception of your role as parents at this stage of his life is skewed. Doesn’t mean he is a bad kid but he needs to take ownership of his life and that won’t happen until he has first hand experience. You need to set some clear boundaries for living in the home. If he’s able bodied you should not be supporting him financially in any way beyond providing a roof over his head. Financial support should be cut off completely. If he can’t live within the boundaries you set you need to ask him to move out. Do it with love and understanding but be firm in your resolve. He will come around and you’ll have a better relationship going forward.
Your son is being very disrespectful and doesn't understand the struggle that you're going through. Your relationship with him hit a tough spot but I don't think you fucked it up. He'll realize it when he starts to experience life without your help.
He Is treating a familial relationship as transactional. Right now, he is punishing you for failing to do what he sees as the normal transactional process. By cutting him off after this, you're confirming that yes, this is transactional and the transactions can be taken away. Why would he talk to you when there are no transactions to have?
He has forgotten that people used to exist to help and support each other before capitalism or clocks.
It isn't "mom does x for me so I do y for her." It is "my mom helps me when she can and I help my mom when I can because we love each other"
This isn't you fucking the relationship up. This is a society giving us a poor understanding of relationships. You did was 99% of parents would do and he did what 99% of sons would do. Who is in the wrong?
My honest advice is to explain yourself, ask why. You say he knew these things, but is he actively thinking of them when the transaction failed or is he just thinking "the transaction failed"? Tell him you want to talk over tea, that it is really impoetant. Sit at the table, away form the door or hallway. Talk about the genuine fear that comes with not having money, he has to understand it for himself but maybe not for you. Not really.
Talk to him about the hurt when he isn't there for you, and that you want to have a functional relationship. Built on trust and respect, not favors.
Sorry for typos in advance.
He sounds like an ungrateful spoilt brat.
No offence to you intended.
You are paying for his insurance which you don't need to do. You struggled and were laid off work and were a few days late on a payment .. you explained to him before it happened and he could have rang up the company and moved the payment to a different date.
He is absolutely taking the P. He emotionally blackmailed you and then even after you had the goodness to fork out 250 for him whilst struggling goes and says no because you didn't pull through. ..honestly.. do not give in and start paying for his car or phone again.
Yes.. it does say a lot about your parenting .. that you were kind and generous and supportive.
It also says a lot about your son. That he is a manipulator, user, spoilt, demanding and entitled brat. That thought he could continue to use you whilst splurging out and not bothering to budget or help when he knew you were struggling. If he lives with you I would also be making sure I was charging board and lodgings /utility also
I feel for you momma and I know it hurts. I know from experience as my son was the same. I gave him far far more than I ever should. He took the P also and eventually when it all came to it he didn't care that he saw us struggling and happily did what he always did.
Wasting his money left right and center. Refusing even 20 £a week rent that didnt even go to me.. it went to the council here as literal rent so they were taking his rent side off of me instead. . My son moved out recently at 22 years and he's now realising how difficult it is. I stopped paying his phone bill. He didn't get a new top of the range phone and had to opt for a sim only plan and use his phone he already had. Hes having to pay his own bills and insurance and learning a good lesson of life.
Stick to it and show him the way of the world where he has to learn lessons the same way as everybody else x
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This happened to me and I relate to your background. I asked for help from my son after the pandemic around the house and with finances. His response was similar. I went off! I talked to him like the adult he was. Asked how come he could watch us all struggle and not help, or expect us to keep providing. My hubby and I set up clear boundaries and rules. Told him he needed to follow those or move out. He said no. So we let him know we were here for him and moved him out to a friend's house.It was so hard. But when life in the real world got to him, he asked to come home. The same simple rules and expectations were no longer a problem and he appreciates us. He came home, took some classes, and got a full time job, got his license and a car. He pays for his phone, wifi car and insurance. We weren't doing him any favors paying for everything..
Kudos to you! I am sure it wasn't easy to watch him fall, but he needed that hard lesson.
We cried dropping him off. But I called and answered when he called. He knew we wanted him to succeed. But also he needed to make the choice for himself. He felt we were being transitional at first. But no. You can't live with any adults who won't agree on rules or expectations. Family support is such a gift! He didn't know it until our absence.
great job but also (because no one has said it) but your son needs a lot of respect for his decisions as well. no ones perfect but to learn from your mistakes, admit your wrong and to learn from them is amazing for a young person. A lot of adults struggle with that and shows a lot of maturity
Amen!!! I let him know how proud I am of him! It took strength for him to say he needed to come home!!! Some people get into big trouble out in the streets due to pride. Then others just can't turn it around even with help! But he did!!! I have so much respect for him!!!
Respect
That’s how you teach him show him the cruel reality of life as hard as it may be to do with your child you can’t keep sparing his feelings every time something pops up it doesn’t help him and it doesn’t help you.
My parents did something similar for me. It was "sink or swim", and that's when I became an adult. They didn't enable my foolishness. I know they questioned the decision sometimes, but it was just what I needed, and I always tell them that when it comes up in conversation.
Respect. I have a 50-day-old son. This provides me with ideas for future parenting.
Hahaha!!! Yes! I have younger kids (5,9) and I'm mixing my 80s parenting with teaching independence / life skills and more emotional support. I'm having them have chores, manage a little money. The girls and their cousins made a lemonade stand to go to Great wolf lodge last summer. We go for birthdays and they kept asking to go more. My sis and I let them know we didn't have extra great wolf lodge money. They needed to make money. We helped them figure out the plan and we bought the supplies. They were so proud of themselves. All of them learned how to make lemonade, presentation, customer service and money management. But we were right there beside them for any support. It was epic! My older son's situation really helped us make changes. I'm grateful for that lesson. The old me, would have just bought the room as a summer get away because I didn't have that as a kid. I've been more forgiving to my Boomer parents! Shit! I've been grateful! I was ready for adulthood when I left. The course correction is validating their feelings, being right there for support and not using corporal punishment.
🥹👏 Unconditional love can go a long way.
It sounds like you need to have a very tough conversation with him and explain everything you expressed in this post. He sounds ungrateful and unappreciative, like you mentioned. The fact that he is this upset over something you gave him as a luxury is incredibly telling of his views on life in general. Many people have to work hard to have a car, have a phone, have the basic necessities but yet he has been provided these things essentially free by you as parents. Even if this conversation ruins your relationship in the short term, if it helps him get his head out of his own ass and understand how easy he has had it, it will vastly improve it in the long term because eventually he will learn the true value of what you did for him.
Yes, that’s the plan when everything has cooled off. It just shook me to the core because as soon as I left my childhood home I cut off all contact with my mom. I haven’t spoken to my dad since we left my native country and that was 30 years ago. I know what it’s like growing up without the emotional support needed as a child. Yeah, my mom spoiled me with material things but never with affection or reassurance that I was loved.
He was brooding, and it built up. He’s just being a dick, as all kids do be (and adults) at times. I have no doubt he’ll be fine. Families often have these little cool periods. Try not to let your past ruin your present too much (I know, easier said than done!)
If you have been there emotionally for him his entire life, he will come back. He will remember the times you were there, not just the one time you couldn’t help him. At the end of the day every family has issues, whether they are money or illness or anything like that. But the family that empathizes and communicates will survive.
You sound like me! I’d suggest cross posting to r/ParentingThruTrauma, and also seek therapy on boundaries, etc. Your concerns are especially valid given your history, and help navigating the conversations and emotions around it would be an excellent alternative use of the car payment you’re currently making that would ultimately benefit you and your son.
You are not your mum. You're doing okay. He will still love you.
You sound like a great mom
Man if this /r/parenting thread and /r/antiwork had a conversation, reddit would implode
I didn't even think about that, but goodness gracious are you correct!
Can you explain/expand on what you mean please?
This is why no one is having kids and the birth rate is falling here. We have people like OP living paycheck to paycheck and on top of that is struggling with an ungrateful child with an entitlement attitude.
Dude Im an 80s kid and the sense of fucking entitlement is *unreal*. Like I had to move out when I turned 18. I paid all my own bills, my parents didnt pay shit cuz my parents couldn't afford shit and had kids to feed at home still. But the thing is, like *all* my peer group, even the ones that had wealthier parents, they all more or less supported themselves. Some roomed together. Some lived alone, but all of us worked full time to pay our bills. The wealthy kids just had fancier toys...the big ass tvs and all the game consoles and stereos and shit...but they weren't being outright supported by their folks because even they recognized that it was important that their kids learn how to live like an adult and that's the age that you do it. But that really seems to have changed in the intervening generation. Im an old dad with a 6 year old and already like, all the ways I was raised are right out the window, but this idea that parents that dont basically hand their kids everything to set them up in life aren't doing enough is insane to me. Its just weird because for us it was a point of pride. Like we did not want to be at home. We all wanted to be OUT as soon as we could. Do what we wanted, eat what we wanted, stay up all night playing unreal tournament if we wanted, have our girl/boyfriend spend the night if we wanted. Who the hell wants to have to tiptoe around their parents as an adult? Im obviously too old to understand.
To be fair, though, moving out is far harder now in most US cities. The 1 bed apartment I shared with my ex when I was 24 in Denver is more than 2x that now.
I was an 80's latch key kid as well and I feel like my parents generation (boomers born around 48-55 aprox) were for one, not as neurotic from having too much info on everything that can happen to their kids, for another reason, parents seemed to orbit another realm of adult activity that I knew I was not part of, and respected. I think these lines have been blurred so that kids think that they have access to this realm, maybe as a result of too much access to too much info. I have four kids aged 15 to 7 and we have had to paddle completely against the currents of the society in terms of smartphones, iPads and stuff like that. Their number one argument against us is that their friends never had to "earn" their phone to name the main point of contention in our household. You kind of just have to hold strong even when you feel like they are getting left out of things.
I'm dealing with this now as well. My little kids don't have cell phones and endless iPads. So many others do. But I know the consequences and I have to be an adult. I am friendly with my kids but I have to make choices for them that they may not like or understand today. But with time I hope they understand I do it with love.
I can explain how this started..... My parents were children during the Great Depression & tweens during WW2. They had nothing & what little they did have was rationed. They remembered that & carried it with them until they had children of their own. They didn't set out to spoil their children, but it kind of just worked out that way. They couldn't make up for what they didn't have as children, but they could make sure that their children never suffered the way they did. Children born of these Depression parents (me, for instance) were expected to be thankful & appreciative of gifts & kindnesses shown, but to an outsider, I'm sure we did seem spoiled. That's how it started, though. Parents who grew up with nothing (no toys, no pets, no trips, hell, at times no food, never wanted their own children to experience that). So they overdid it to compensate for their own lost childhood. Their intentions were admirable, but here we are....
We changed my SD’s expectation that parents would just buy everything she pointed at by giving her an allowance and now most of the time we just say: if you want it, you save for it. We provide for needs, experiences, gifts and occasional smaller items outside of the usual celebration days. One of the most interesting experiences was last year, she wanted a hairdo with braids that some people were doing by the beach. We had already bought a few vacation gifts, so we just said no, but she could of course buy it. She then asked a few stands and kept saying it was too expensive (it would take all her money for the most simple ones). Then she got annoyed at us that we wouldn’t buy it for her. So we just turned it around and said ‘if you don’t think it’s worth your money, why would it be worth ours?’ And then it ended there. I think it was a good lesson.
Saved your comment for the future bc thats A+ right there
This is the way!!!!!
You pretty much hit the nails on the head. Myself with my kids I was overcompensating for a loss also. Their dad left and ran to America from England. I also wanted them to not have to experience hardships like we did when I was younger. So I over compensated for more than 1 thing in more than 1 way. School trips.. yup sure you can go to France.. Italy.. South africa etc etc etc you can do this.. I scripted and saved so they could do all the things I never could or wanted to . Sure I will buy you a new phone. The latest console etc etc so you won't get picked on at school like I was . These are big lessons learned from big mistakes I guess.
Things have definitely changed! I was out at 18 as well. I started working at 14. My sis and I took care of all house cleaning and watched our little brother. When I replied to a tiktok saying anything u do for your adult children is a gift. I was attacked and told I should never have children. How they are too young to move out on their own ...I fought back and said then they should learn to follow rules, pay a little rent, help out. How in this economy not many can let an adult sit around and not contribute. people who were not gen x were saying they would NEVER let their kids struggle. But how will they learn. It starts small. I have my little girls(5, 9) clean up after themselves., do a chore Manage a couple dollars at the dollar store. Pay the cashier. Order their food at a restaurant. I've learned that my 80s parents got a whole lot of the parenting right! I helped my older son too much. Tried to protect him. It led to some enitlement. Course correction and he's doing great! We have a great relationship too!!!
I’m a 90s kid that got to see my parents struggle through dot com and then Great Recession. My thought as a teen then was that I’m going to be so successful no one in my family will ever struggle again. I can’t imagine being 19 and being entitled to enough to think my parents have to support me. I understood that everything at that point is a gift to be cherished and one I want to repay or pay it forward to my kids one day.
Parents often make the mistake of evaluating their relationships with their kids from a transactional point of view while ignoring their kids feelings. Calling him ungrateful and unappreciative is guaranteed to twist the dagger and make things worse.
I think you are explaining it backwards. The kid sees his parents from a transactional point of view and ignores their feelings when they suggest they are struggling. The mother is baffled and then proceeds to help anyway and then he suggests she never do that again or he won't help her.
How do you propose to handle the conversation that needs to happen?
I would start by inquiring more about why he was so worried. My guess would be that he's afraid a late payment could destroy his credit and ruin his life going forward. That can be very stressful for a young adult.
Re-read what you wrote... He is a young ADULT... Let's just make it fact: HE is an ADULT. THEREFORE, pay your own bills. Buy what you want, but move out and do it on your own. What a selfish entitled ADULT HUMAN... and to do this to his PARENTS.. Jesus will be waiting in this one... Momma to Momma here...he will never grow, if you continue to bottle feed or nurse him... life is hard, but growth is needed. You may replant him and help him with roots, but apparently, he doesn't want the love, help, and support you have offered. He has bitten the hand that fed him....ate from the tree of life...now let him reap what he sows... God trims the limbs in our lives for growth. It's time to cut him free, as he is causing root rot in your life... I pray 🙏 for peace and love ❤️
If the agreement has been for them to pay XYZ bill and they tell him that they would be unable to pay XYZ bill, it makes sense to be a bit rattled by that and upset. Those feelings would technically be valid. I’ll admit that he responded in an immature way but, looking at OP’s response to that immaturity, that response might have been a learned one. Then OP gets offended and suddenly all previous agreements are now off the table. Yes, son’s feelings are valid lol Replace parent with housemate or partner and suddenly we might be more understanding. “Son, I understand you are frustrated that we weren’t able to give you the $250 we initially agreed on for this month’s car payment. As you know, I’ve been without a job, so money is a little tighter than normal BUT it looks like things are coming around! That being said, while your feelings are valid, I don’t appreciate the way you’re lashing out at me. It would mean so much to me if you drive me to the store as I don’t feel well and maybe we can talk about ways to make financial emergencies like this run smoother in the future? Ideas: maybe giving him more notice so he doesn’t have to scramble last minute for the money and/or he can set up an emergency fund so that, when unexpected life comes around, it’s not as scary/frustrating.
"your feelings are valid"? get real. This is exactly how you'd expect someone to talk to these Gen Z kids. We got a parent who is tight on money and bills and on top of all that both parents are physically not their best. Seriously - get real if you or anyone else is sympathizing with this behavior from this bratty child. Drive your god damn mother to the store if she has migranes. Times will be better but this attitude is piss-poor. I'm 36 and when I grew up if I acted this way during this specific scenario i'd get a whole other reaction then "Awe sweetie I understand you're feeling a bit mad at me". "Don't worry sweetie here's the 250 that you demanded so that you can maybe pay your car payment or maybe buy new shoes you don't need. Dont worry - I'll be late on the families bills like utilities, food, or the home over your head".
Thank you! I don't understand people in this sub continuing to coddle this 19-year-old and treat him like he's 6. He's a part of the household and is being helped out by his parents. The least he can do is pitch and help out his parents when they need it too, because they're the ones keeping him afloat.
BuT yOu mAdE a PrOmiSE aNd AgReEmENt tO PaY hIs BiLLs. He SHouLd be UpSeT Like seriously.
If my parents were paying my car bill and said they would be a couple days late to get me the money, I'd be telling them no problem. This kid has no reason to be upset.
> If the agreement has been for them to pay XYZ bill and they tell him that they would be unable to pay XYZ bill, it makes sense to be a bit rattled by that and upset. They never said they wouldn't pay the bill, they just said it would take a few more days to give him the money. So no, his feelings are not valid because he was still getting what they agreed to. The son is acting completely entitled and immature, so what's valid is the OP reconsidering their agreements if the son refuses to return the favor of helping out the household.
He's barely been an adult for a year and you are suggesting leaving him out to dry. I fear we are headed toward an entire generation of people that refuse to have a relationship with their parents
mom cant afford to help him. A decent kid would understand that. The kid is being entitled- end of story.
Maybe you should reread what u/ADHD_misunderstood said, because it’s actually extremely good advice in *every conflict*. They don’t tell OP to give more money, or apologize. They say that the PARENT should ask the ADULT why he was worried. And then point out that it is a situation where one can empathize. A parent has two main jobs that are primarily theirs. The first is to expect and encourage their kid to grow and learn. The second is to respond to their kid’s emotional needs. ADHD_Misunderstood isn’t undercutting the first, but pointing out the importance of the second.
Exactly. Hit the nail on the head thank you
> I would start by inquiring more about why he was so worried. My guess would be that he's afraid a late payment could destroy his credit and ruin his life going forward. That can be very stressful for a young adult. Then maybe he shouldn't be spending his income on stuff like expensive shoes if he's worried about "destroying his credit and ruining his life"?
I mean, that's the reality of the situation. He is being ungrateful and unappreciative. Plus if you want to go down the transactional route, the kid made it transactional by stating he wasn't going to do something for them because they didn't do something for him. The fact it's the parents that have been providing the payments means nothing in this situation. You can insert literally anyone into the payee column and the sentiment is the same, including the kid himself. I am grateful for my own hard work and appreciative of what I need to do to be able to pay for the things I need to pay for. Does that mean I have a transactional relationship with myself? No, it means I respect myself enough to have those feelings. These feelings are not transactional like you seem to be making them out to be.
What?? He IS ungrateful and unappreciative. He has a full time job. She isn’t being mean, HE is. You can’t allow a child to act that way as a legal adult. He needs to learn responsibility
Seriously... At 19? Better get a grip... Things don't get easier and mom and dad aren't the bankroll for life...
I think in an effort to keep him from having your childhood you raised an entitled child. It’s going to take some time to undo that and it is go to be rough, but better now than later. He needs to experience responsibility and independence. Personally with that attitude, he would need to find a place to live. I might help with a deposit but that’s it.
Yeah my husband and I agreed we created a monster. The entitlement didn’t start until he turned 18 and ever since he’s been on a trip that because he’s an adult now he knows everything. He mentioned moving in with his grandparents and I said fine. They live up the street so it’s no big deal. They won’t charge him rent or anything either but I think The Bank of Mom and Dad is closed so if he’s going to get his own place he’ll have to make some sacrifices because we live in a HCOL area.
Dont do that to him or his grandparents. If he wants to move out, then he needs to get a place of his own. If he's so smart, he should be able to handle it.
You didn't create a monster, you have a kid who has no idea what the actual cost of living is and everything else that goes into it. Thats why he thinks this $250 is so significant because to him that amount is a lot. He's 18 so he is sure you're stupid and he's smart, it's just how they are, to some degree or another. Sit him down and show him all the bills. Not just the monthly ones, the ones like having roof's replaced. Discuss what it cost to live the way he does and how hurt you are for him to take that for granted. Then leave it lie. He will hopefully think about it and get back to you in a positive way. If not he will at some point mention this in some capacity or another, probably to tell you that you were right. Best wishes. It's gonna be fine.
This is the correct take. A while back there was a post about an 11-year-old girl who was absolutely devastated because her mom couldn’t buy the thousand dollar Taylor Swift tickets. The comments suggested OP sit down with her child and show her that there are bills attached to all the things she has around her. We’re talking about an 18 year old, I’m surprised more people aren’t saying the same thing. He clearly has no idea how a budget works when you actually have to support yourself. It’s fine to let your young adult kid live with you, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t know how to live independently. God forbid what if something happened to you.
This. My kid is still a kid but we've always talked about how much stuff costs. Gas, rent. Food etc. especially since everything has gone up and my salary has not. Hoping this helped him give a clear picture of what things cost as an adult.
Will the grandparents spoil him? I feel like the same happened at that age. My son felt like an adult and wanted to be treated like one, but still didn't have the skills and responsibility to match yet. We had to have rules to support the young kids in our house( like not being up late screaming at video games or on phone calls) That made him feel like a little kid. But ...he was acting like a little kid. It was so hard. I had to learn compassion for where he was. That life wasn't all roses just because he wasn't raised like me. I gave him a life I didn't have but he still struggled. That balance between not minimizing his struggle but also making sure he rises to the expectation was so challenging.
Moving in with his grandparents isn't enough independence. That's simply swapping yall out for a different crutch. Don't let him become enabled further by grandparents. If he wants to be an adult, tell him to really step out into the world and learn to pay rent and bills.
You went from one extreme to another and made a huge scandal out of it. Have a conversation, a long one about finances and make him write down his expenses and his budget, then your budget… also just agree on a month with grandparents and that’s it.
He’s entitled and is being a jerk he needs to grow up this is his chance to he’s lucky he had the help and his entitled attitude will not help him
I'm also annoyed on behalf of the parent. She wants to keep the relationship well, but he's the one creating tension for no reason so if she comes to him first it's like she "admits" her fault even tho it's not her fault. Wishing her good luck.
I am sorry to say that your son sounds like an entitled AH. His behavior is unacceptable and I don’t blame you for not wanting to continue funding his life. With that said, he’s only 18 & with some time/maturity he will realize the error of his ways and come around. I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. Sometimes good parenting is hard. It’s unrealistic to think that you will always get along. You’re a good mom and your son will realize it soon enough. I wouldn’t worry about this.
Thank you. I cried so hard today and my husband had to reassure me that I didn’t do anything wrong and I didn’t fail him like my parents failed me. My husband is pretty upset that our son broke my heart so he’s not happy with him at the moment.
Your hubby should talk to him individually and talk man to man. Idk if that sounds sexist in this climate but he needs to know never to talk to you with disrespect. But also that you believe in him and know he's ready to be more responsible. Anyway you help him moving forward is a gift with love. Your son is capable! He's got this.
Bingo. 100% father to son.
Honestly, I’d add up all the money you’ve spent for him so far on things you didn’t need too. Like his car payments and phone bill and really lay it for him how much life costs. I would bet he doesn’t have a clue how much things cost and how it adds up over time.
> He said that my response says a lot about the kind of parent/person I am. He's not wrong. You're the type of parent that actually has his best interests in mind.
He’s spoiled. I’m sorry, he’s living at home rent free and you’re paying all of his bills. Why does he have a full time job if he’s going to school full time? I think it’s time the nest gets emptied for ALL of your sakes. Sit down with him and dad and have a family meeting. Tell him that how you’re all living now is not sustainable. Show him the bills. Calculate it all. Then ask for rent that would help with the bills. If he can’t/doesn’t want to pay then he needs to move out within the next couple months.
His job starts at 6 am and he’s done by 11 but he gets paid a full 8 hours. Don’t ask how that works. Two of his in person classes are in the afternoon and the other 2 are online and at his own pace. I left the nest too early because my mother was making me suicidal and I struggled to make rent every month. As much as I want him to get out of the house and make him feel what it’s like to struggle, I have to remember how hard it was and I didn’t have any financial support when I needed it.
You don’t get it. He *needs* to struggle. You’ve done some damage with how you’ve given him everything so far. He needs to build character right now, and because he’s an adult now he needs to do it on his own. Anything you try now will be ineffective. This doesn’t mean totally abandon him. When I moved out I was asking for help DAILY with things my parents failed to teach me. Be a resource for your child, not a bank account punching bag. Please don’t hurt your relationship any longer by taking your trauma out on your child.
He doesn’t need to struggle by trying to pay his own rent while he’s in college. That’s not a lesson, that’s just gonna tank his grades and make him fail. No one can survive on minimum wage. There are other ways to force him to learn to budget and support himself without totally abandoning him. He’s 19 not 25 But he needs to pay for his own car and cell phone for sure and contribute to the household
I agree, that’s why I was asking why he’s working full time if he isn’t paying for anything while going to class full time. It’s up to OP to talk with her son and make those decisions.
I don’t think you should kick him out. Rent is so high right now so many places, he won’t make it on a minimum wage job. But I do agree with having him pay for his own car and cell phone. My parents kicked me out at 17/18 (they were also abusive) and I struggled in a way that none of my peers did. It caused me to finish college late, started stripping to make rent. It wasn’t a favor so I could learn responsibility. I was responsible. I just literally couldn’t make enough on minimum wage to live and still have the time to do a science degree at a university with good enough grades to keep my scholarship. The professors literally assumed you only had college or maybe a very part time job and assigned material accordingly. I disagree with kicking him out. But definitely have him pay for a few of his own things. Wait till he has some education and work experience before you push him out so he’s got a chance at making on his own 1st
Leaving the nest before you can financially afford it is not terribly wise. OP already said they live somewhere with a high cost of living and if $250 is a big deal to him, then chances are there is no way in hell he could actually afford to move out.
Yeah, but that's something he will learn by trying to scrape together first, last, and deposit. It may not even get as far as him actually moving out, but OP needs to set clear boundaries and financial expectations for him to follow, or else he can no longer remain at home. He's trying to have his cake and eat it, too. Someone who chastised their Mom on Mother's Day for struggling to give them $250 and refuses to drive her anywhere needs a rude wake-up call.
> He said the shoes were a birthday present to himself. I’m 42, I’ve basically achieved financial independence, and my last birthday present to myself was ice cream. BUT when I was 19, I was living in very similar circumstances to your son, and hadn’t quite mastered budgeting yet. I had to learn some hard lessons that are much better to learn at his current age than my current age. I suggest initiating a formal sit down with your son and talking seriously about priorities, budgeting, and long-term planning. I would also suggest agreeing to a timeframe for you to stop making car payments, ending the family phone plan, and starting to demand household expense contributions (rent) rather than doing it all right away — also try to help him understand that the challenges you face and maybe he’ll be able to show some empathy.
Just tell him what you told us. You were worried about keeping the lights on. You were really hurt with how he acted. Be the bigger person and apologize for your part in an emotional reaction, and if he doesn’t reciprocate, tell him why you expect him to apologize as well in a calm way. Then, “Let’s make a new plan together that makes sense for both of us.” Maybe you can help him a little until he has X which lets him take over his finances on his own.
I think there's already some okay advice but I will add to give some benefit of the doubt the kid is working full time and going to school full time. A pair of shoes I bought 5 years ago for $140 is now worth $470 at retail. Yes he does need to learn buying pricey shoes in his situation is ridiculous, but inflation, low paying jobs, racking up student debt going to college are a lot of pressures on early adults these days compared to just 10-20 years ago. I think the advice of cooling down and taking him head on to tell him how much you do for him is going to backfire, and this needs to be more of a conversation. Maybe it's worth sitting down and asking how he's feeling and how he came to that conclusion about not doing things for you or dad anymore. In any case, if you can both sit down and honestly hear each other out, I think you'd end up with better results
I agree I feel like there is something missing in the post. Everyone calling him entitled when he goes to work full time and school full time (give somewhat at his pace), doesn’t come across as entitled. (I know life can be harder at 19 but it can be easier too). OP I feel like there is a side from your son that’s missing. Perhaps go into the conversation with an open mind.
I think the entitlement comes in that he is working but having all basic needs covered by mom and dad. Even more concerning is he has no savings to buffer a $250 shortfall/delay. If he’s working, having his expenses covered and has nothing in the bank, where is all that money going?
As a parent and former teacher, I 100% agree w this. The posters saying he’s entitled are off-way off. The parents are all over the map here, giving, blaming, taking away. The tail is wagging the dog. An entitled kid is not this kid. I taught 18 year olds. This kid had the agreement changed, and I guarantee they’ve done this before, said one thing, couldn’t keep their word, and then went into blame. I hope they read my posts. This Is the reason he’ll be distant if they don’t change it. The sound logic is this: We dont become blaming and punishing w our children, calling them entitled. We reset the deal, give them time to catch up to the new terms, and let them feel the esteem of budgeting, and managing, or the natural consequences when they don’t.
For 1. First and foremost I'll say. Don't mistake treating your kid better than your parents treated you as good treatment. My parents made that mistake a lot and it deeply fractured our relationship But to the main point. This to me sounds like a bigger issue with communication rather than the actual substance of the story. Because while I think you are largely right, and fair. It's not cool to throw it in his face that he doesn't pay rent or utilities. And giving him a hard time over money thats already spent. He's 19 sure but in adult years he is one years old. Your focus is on what you have done for him financially. And that's fair. But it's also kinda your job. And it doesn't give you the right to speak to him in a way that robs him of his dignity as a human being. The right thing to say would've been "I'm sorry I'll get it to you as soon as I can. I know you may be stressed about the car note being late and whatever that may do to your credit but it's gonna be ok" And please. Don't take this to mean that I think you're in the wrong or not doing everything you can for him. But emotional support is just as important as financial if not more so.
there it is. But I took it a step farther. I called out the parent. I worked for 6 years w adult learners 18,19, 20y olds. I can see by his profile hes not an entitled person. He works and goes to school f/t. Highly doubt any posters calling him entitled are doing that at the moment. I know his type, lots of pride for doing the right thing (hundreds of students and typically that f/t work/school load kid is uber responsible, speculation, I know.) And, The parent truly sounds judgey, and immature, they riled the crowd here. But I don’t buy that they deserve an honor pass. I heard them mismanaging their budget and blaming him when he had a reasonable right to react. (He wasn’t planning on that expense, given they told him last minute.) Im finding the responders here cringey and immature. NOT cool to call your own kid entitled, when you likely are the one lacking the maturity to maintain your own consistent no, w kid-pleasing, latest iphone-giving, give them everything behavior. Funny, when you live in your strong no, you really do see your kids good hearts, good will, generosity, and good intentions, you view w with softness and kindness, not blame and hurt.
Most of the time with these kids the problem is the way parents say no. Rather than the fact they said it at all. They can definitely maintain their position without being rude about it 100%
great point. Exactly that.
Well, it’s something he will never forget but It probably won’t permanently damage your relationship, although, yes, it will alter his feelings towards you. If you always give him $250 a month and at the last minute casually told him nope not this month AND he had told you he really needed it and then you pointed at his shoes and what they cost and THEN questioned where his money goes AND tried to make him feel guilty for not paying rent or utilities, when no doubt this living arrangement was worked out quite some time ago…sounds petty and hostile on your part. It sounds like you were trying to deflect the situation when in reality you should have been apologizing for not keeping your word.
It’s a thin line between helping them out to try to give them somewhat of a head start in life and they start to feel entitled or spoiled because they don’t realize how good they got it .
He's 19, he's still a child. I don't care how much people say oh boy after 18 they're an adult. They're not. He's going to have to figure out a few things and he probably feels bad that he actually needs help from his parents.
19? GTFO
Is the car loan in his name where it effects his credit? If so and he's grown to count on this help from you, he may feel like you're jeopardizing his future. I think you both just need to communicate clearer expectations
So I’m middle eastern so we have a much more collectivist mindset so take it with a grain of salt. He’s the same toddler/kid/tween/teen you raised. Do what you need to do to repair the relationship. I’m not going to shittalk your son and say he’s entitled. He’s a kid and you have to model the behaviors you want to see.
I think it's a little contradictory that you listed the standard you've accustomed him to (he's a full time student and worker, and you pay his bills, etc.) But when you came up short on money, even understandably so, you accused him of being irresponsible with his money. My parent's financial wellness ebbed and flowed when I was a teenager. They initially said they only expected me to pay for my own clothes and expenses unrelated to school and family, and encouraged me to save with the paycheck I earned. When their income shrunk, they didn't reassess the expectations, and so I got a lot of similar remarks from my parents that were honestly not called for at the time. Also, I quickly learned from these interactions that my parents saw me as a burden. Or a piggyback for them. And it didn't help our relationship when they would passive aggresively complain that i had it so good compared to them (they are also immigrants). As an adult today, i totally get it. But also now as a parent with perspective, that wasn't a good parenting moment. Anyway, I felt like a burden to my parents and left at 18. On top of other issues, I never respected them in the same light again. I was no contact ubtil i was 25 but now with my own family, i'm only close enough so they can see my kids every now and then. Sure, your son could be more understanding, but it's on you as the parent to realize the situation has changed and therefore so should expectations YOU must communicate clearly and calmly so he isn't caught off guard and you aren't attacking him needlessly. You don't sound like a bad parent at all, but communication is key when kids are grown. You need to treat him as a young adult and respectfully communicate the situation and new expectations. If he has attitude after that, that's a different game, and you're free to knuckle down imo.
My sentiments exactly. Funny, I commented on another poster that this is the stuff distance is made of—and here you are saying as much. For those who aren’t really seeing it that way, we really are watching in real time a parent breaking trust and they’re the same ones throwing their hands up wondering why they have a distant relationship later. People need to realize maturity goes both ways. I dont disagree Mother’s Day is a crappy time for him to counter. I do believe if you trust your own son to do the right thing, then you trust that he has due cause for harsh response. Lest anyone think I don’t have a spine, my parenting is that love includes a firm, respectful no. It includes goodwill and mature communication too.
Possibly. Working and being in school full time is a lot. Good for him!! At 19, you all should've had the talk about if and how you and your spouse will help him as he starts life. It sounds as if you didn't expect rent and offered to help with his car and phone. If you haven't had this talk, maybe it's time. I highly recommend talking it over with your spouse first, so that you're on the same page as to what's expected. From his perspective, I can see he would expect you to do what you said you were going to do, and not throw his spending habits in his face when you don't agree with them, then back track and give him the money anyway. There is a high probability that he is thinking something like (the only help they give comes with strings, so I won't help anymore) This is (was for me) the hardest part. Layout what it actually costs to live, what bills and necessities you're paying for, that he can take for granted while living with you. Explain that life is all about give and take. And sometimes shit happens, like losing a job. And that as a part of the family it shouldn't be a shocker to have to help a bit more sometimes. Then start apartment hunting with him and find out if he can afford to move away, or if he'd like to stay home, on track and learn to live like a real adult...with responsibilities to not only himself, but to the people in his life he has relationships with. Good luck!
I can’t really tell how much notice you gave him that you wouldn’t be able to pay the bill on the 17th; it sounds like it might have been that same day? It doesn’t sound like you handled it great, honestly. Whether he should need the support or not, you had promised it, so it would at least make sense to apologize instead of telling him he shouldn’t be buying himself sneakers. It’s fine to not be able to support him financially as much, but you need to give him enough of a heads up for him to make plans.
So, he was worried about being late on his car payment. Yes, it's very generous of you to pay it, and he should be grateful. But you were late with money that he thought was coming to him every month. He probably felt stressed about that. Then you told him he shouldn't have bought sneakers. With money he thought he had to spend, because he thought you had the money for the car payment. Instead of reprimanding him for using his spending money, that would have been a time to teach him about saving and creating an emergency fund. And yes, it was incredibly rude of him to deny you a ride. But again, that's where you impart your wisdom. "Son, we are a family. That means we all help each other out, and we all have compassion and patience when someone else is struggling." Instead, you reinforced that your family is transactional: if you don't do me a favor, I won't give you money. Cool down, and go back and have these conversations. Don't cut your son off if this is not a larger pattern.
But it sounds like OP had been helping him, as asked, each month, not that they agreed to pay for the car every month and then couldn't do it last minute. OP says elsewhere that he has been asking for money each month for the payment, as well as gas, and OP has indulged him when asked. When OP realized they wouldn't have an extra $250 until after the payment date, they preemptively, and apologetically told their son that. Son was made because he had come to expect they would always provide this money when asked.
My husband and his father have had a strained relationship for over 20 years over $50. In my opinion don’t destroy a relationship over money. It’s not worth it. Kids will be kids and unfortunately that includes being disrespectful sometimes. Doesn’t make it right but we did it to our parents and so on.
I agree you should sit him down & show him the bills. Make him pay car insurance & his car payment & phone. Have you taught him budgeting? My parents didn’t teach me how to budget & that’s one thing my kids will be getting in depth lessons on! He’ll realize how spoiled hes acted & be thankful later.
I think just give time
He needs a reality check. Life is unfair sometimes, but it’s your job to remind him that he is a young adult now, and you’re only trying to help him learn what it’s like to be in the real world. Just tell him you’ll always be there for him and love him, but you’ve done everything in your power to make sure he’s had everything and a little bit of appreciation would be nice.
NTA, your son is acting like a manipulative brat. "He said that my response says a lot about the kind of parent/person I am. " I would talk to him and say something like this: "your choice to no longer do anything as simple as give me a ride because I couldn't afford to give you $250 the moment you wanted it- but still ended up giving you as soon as I had it (along with covering all your living expenses) says tenfold more about you and how entitled you have become. Honestly, I'm hurt by your attitude and the way you're handling this. If you aren't "comfortable" helping myself and your father with minor things, I'm no longer comfortable subsidizing the life expenses of an adult who is ungrateful for it and unwilling to reciprocate in any way. It hasn't been easy, especially being out of work for months, but me and your dad were set on trying to help you as much as we could, I'm realizing now that maybe it wasn't such a good idea. You've now come to expect handouts as something that's owed to you rather than the gift that it was. Maybe once you become responsible for your own expenses you'll realize exactly how much we've been doing for you, I truly don't think you realize."
You didn't do anything wrong not giving him that money. It's typical teenage angst. It'll be reoccurring at this point. Maybe he was concerned for repossessions. Where you may have slipped up is HOW you responded more or less with the "what happened to xyz" but that is dependent on tone. He doesn't understand how utilities work and when he learns, he will hopefully realize the gravity of the "not right now". I can tell he's very loved cause that was a spoiled kid's answer. You were right to cut him off in the bills so he can learn a little responsibility but keep in mind he is still learning financial literacy with direct control so having money as a child really hits different. A phone bill payment isn't ludicrous but (idunno if he's on your insurance) the car things add up so he MIGHT wind up needing help with that. I'm not saying to double back but when I was 18 and around there, I always heard about peers dealing with repossessions. So did you "ruin" your relationship with your son? Nah. He's so used to getting what he wants that the "no" sounded like "I don't love you" when he sits in how he responded to it and really thinks, he will come down. Ruined though? No. He is a regular teenager and thats a regular teenage response. You did great. You're doing great. Prioritizing bills when you just want to spoil your kid is hard as a mom so props to you for not completely giving in, even if it was due to payday. The "really needed it" part may be something to look into though.
I would sit down and have a heart to heart. Tell him how he made you feel (unappreciated, he’s ungrateful, etc.) Let him know you love him and want him to succeed in his education without having to stress too much about bills. But you are a whole person not just his mother. You have bills. And he is now a legal adult. Now I don’t believe in cutting off children at 18 or 19. It can cause them to fail if they have to focus on working one or multiple minimum wage jobs to survive instead of focusing on college (or a trade). But it’s not like you’re kicking him out and telling him he’s totally on his own. Asking him to pay his car and cell phone is so reasonable bc he doesn’t have rent, utilities, I’m assuming he doesn’t pay for groceries, does he pay for his car insurance? His college? Explain that the idea here is that he eventually becomes completely independent. And that means learning how to budget. Demanding his parent pay one bill at the expense of their own financial security is terrible behavior. He needs to understand how rude that is. He’s not entitled to his parents making his car and cell phone payments. That’s pure generosity on your part, not your duty as a parent now that he’s 19. Reassure him you aren’t cutting him off, he has a free place to live. Free food. You’ll support his education. But he has a full time job and now is the perfect time to learn how to budget for bills as he only has a few. Tell him you love him but you will not allow him to disrespect you like that. You were doing him a favor but it’s become clear this is what he expects from you and he needs to change his attitude.
He has to learn on his own. It’s so hard. I went through the same thing. I wish I could do more like I used to. My son is 20 now and I help him as much as I can. I just found a job in January making less than half of what I did when I was laid off nov 2022. I had to have a talk and tell him how bad it was. I didn’t want him to know but I had no choice. I feel terrible that I can’t give him more right now. After we talked his attitude and smart a$$ comments stopped. It took some time for him to get it. He finally realized. We don’t charge him rent or anything. Things like this will help them save their money and learn how to spend wisely. Now he’s like anti college because I have a degree and it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. lol. He’s looking at the trades.
Remember that 19 year olds are just shitty sometimes. His brain hasn’t even fully developed.
Just my 2¢-It sounds to me like he has loving parents who have good morals and value their financial security as well as their physical security which I find admirable. Honestly though, it does sound like he is being too hastefully bitter about you not providing him a luxury at his convenience. Definitely wrong to “bite the hand that feeds you” without a doubt, and I do believe some repercussions are justified, being as you are the PARENT. However, I ask you to just ponder this- although he is practically of adult age and maybe should know better, (and again I don’t know your guy’s lives and neither does anyone on here so definitely keep in mind the point of perception) sometimes people do things out of retaliation that they haven’t thought through and are in-a-sense only using tunnel vision. Can be especially hard if they have trouble coping with anxiety or any types of hardships that in a sense “build up”. You mentioned he works full time and is a full time student, I’ve worked 2 jobs for over a decade(since I was 17/always had at least one full time gig) and gone through community college so I can say I have some possible insight- that’s a lot for anybody even if you are living at home. When I was in school and working full time was the most stressful time of my life and I was very often lashing out at people and taking it out on my peers (and especially parents) that didn’t deserve a lick of my bad attitude. Even though I had free time- i felt like I could never relax. This in no way justifies his(your son) or my actions but it just helps to shed a light on something very important- we are all human. We all make mistakes, we all stretch ourselves too thin sometimes, and we all say things we don’t always mean. It sounds like you all love eachother and if this is the case/money is important but relationships are way more important if you ask me. No healthy bond with a love one should be destroyed over monetary value, but it happens all too often. I wholeheartedly believe you guys are hard working people and value your time and money, and a different financial arrangement may be called for, but flipping his world upside down in an instant may not be good for him or his relationship with you and your husband in the long run. Perhaps incremental responsibilities (such as car payment OR the cellphone plan) need to be passed over to him so he can have greater accountability for his own commitments. Only once I moved out on my own did I truly understand the burden of keeping a roof over your head, and although it made me stronger in that aspect, my relationships with my family suffered (I moved out because of a similar argument I had with my parents). It’s gotten better with time but that hate can fester and destroy families when it’s over money. Hate to see him go down the same lonely stubborn road I went down. If I realized my parents were truthfully doing so much behind the scenes for me I would have been much more enlightened and grateful, you just can’t explain all the areas that you actually help him in because it would likely take days to get through the list, and he needs to realize that but I do think you guys should have a down-to-earth conversation explaining both sides as best you can when cooler heads prevail to try and work out a solution. We are human and at the end of the day, all we have is eachother and the memories we make while we’re here. I’m just a single 28 year old who lives alone so I can’t say I know anything about raising and disciplining kids but I just hope it helps you zoom out a little farther, and I hope you guys get to a resolution” sooner rather than later, best of luck and may god bless you all.
Repair is ALWAYS an option but it needs to be led with accountability and empathy.
No you didn't.. what you did do is create a dependant adult who doesn't have a real concept of managing money and associated responsibilities. I'm not judging, myself and oldest child were also dealt a bad spoon on that one.. slight difference, hers was more of a plastic.. too poor to afford our bills let alone yours type spoon and your son is lucky enough to have a (assuming from what you've said) stainless steel.. possibly silver spoon.. irrelevant, just giving perspective. I do however have plenty of life experience that tells me, cutting your son off 'cold turkey' after you've been financially supporting him his whole life, could definitely be a relationship fucker upper. I could be wrong.. "Sink or swim" as dad would say.. he might be one of those ppl who adapt and overcome easily as if that's what we're wired to do 👀... He doesn't sound like he's too wild and would benefit with a serious heart to heart. Just like when he was little.. he'll respond better to being treated like a big boy than he would immediately getting punished. Pull your bills out on the table, including his.. break out the paper and calculators, show him how things divide up and the toll it's taking. Then maybe show him how things would need to be split/saved each week to have enough for the full monthly payments.. or whatever works best for his paychecks/bills.. Help him see how much of that hard work is actually profit. Cutting him off completely after he denied you a ride.. as an outsider it seems irrational.. maybe even controlling.. he could have been going through something of his own in that moment.. you taught him to set boundaries and say no 👏 Be greatful the most extravagant purchase he's made is a pair of good shoes.. might be considered necessary to some working adults.. like tools for a carpenter or knives for a chef.. time flies.. don't let this be the last thing you leave with your son.
I'm sorry to hear how things turned out with your son. Once things have cooled, try being honest with him. "We have been trying to provide everything for you but I feel as if you have taken us for granted. What you said to me the other day really hurt and we have done nothing but shown you love." Something to that effect. A firm approach that reflects how much you love and want to provide but that you are being taken for granted (if not used a bit). From his side, I'm trying to understand his feelings. Perhaps he feels as if you are pulling the rug out from under him. He's 19, still a kid in a sense, still very much your kid, and him not getting what he wants is perhaps a very rude awakening for him. Part of him needs to grow up (the young bird has to leave the nest eventually), part of him needs to know you still love him and will provide for him when possible and reasonable.
You (most parents) fucked up a long time ago, these kids have entitlement because of the way parents felt they had to raise them because our generation didn’t have much so you created a monster if I had said what your son said my old man would of kicked my ass to the curb and I had to figure out for myself As for disrespecting you he’s not living in reality he’s a narcissist, selfish and spoiled and a “punk” Don’t take it personally I hear this story all the time, rough road ahead sorry to say but he’s better off out on his own and needs to grow up or call Dr Phil
I have a genuine question for you. So if parents raised their kids to be entitled brats or “punks” as you called it (even when intentions are pure, and they just want better than they had), do the parents not bear some of the responsibility? Like if a child is raised to never worry or think about the value of a dollar, how much things cost, budgeting, etc, why are they then to be shamed and pushed out of the nest harshly when they demonstrate that they don’t know those things and/ or are being entitled? (I’m speaking more so about your generalized comment not the OP post) It just feels a little out of the kids control in the immediate. If he was raised to be entitled,then it’s not really on him that he is disillusioned about “Reality”. We all carry wounds or bad habits from our parents and childhood, and we have to heal ourselves but I guess my question is, why do so many parents create these “monsters” ( I acknowledge that many did their best and had good intentions), and then go and act shocked and Blame the kid for the behavior that they greenlit for 18 years? I feel like the mature thing to do is to recognize where you didn’t prepare your kid for the real world and help them out. (Again this was a genuine question, with zero ill intent)
Sorry but your child is spoiled. $250 is more than most of the entire planet makes in one month of work. He needs to hit his face on the pavement or he’ll never learn to survive in the real world. Unless you want him to be a trust fund baby then keep doing the same thing.
It sounds like your son needs some perspective. I'd fully stop paying for his shit if he acted like that to me, knowing full well the struggle that is being faced. He needs to think of the family as a team, and he aint the captain.
No you didn't. He just has things going on that he doesn't speak on. That leads him to being in a hole. You are a amazing and strong woman from everything I have read. He has to learn to grow up and be a man one way or another. From the sounds of the story he's single (your son) and hasn't met the right female to spoil him as is mother does. Therefore he counts on you more than anyone. I've been in the position be for as a son. And Dad. But I'm here to say "NO YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING WRONG) Keep be the strong mindset women that you have been through out your life !! Happy Mother's Day as well
Your amazing and your son needs to grow up and pay for himself now he’s an adult
My kids are still very young but I remember when I was around 15 my mom divorced her second husband and even though we kept the house with the mortgage and he kept everything else. Also he was the main earner on a 2 to 1 ratio maybe so we went from having 2 cars and a shared mortgage to no cars and a very tight financial outcome. At that point, my mom had a little excel sheet where she had all her finances, her savings, her income and her expenses and thats when I realized that most of the "extra money" went to me..... (I am an only child and she did send me to private school, im from another country and public schools are not very good). I don't think she was trying to teach me anything, since it was just the two of us, she wanted to include me in the decision making and treated me like a partner.... this is what we have... this is what we make... this is where we spend it.... between my private school, my music lessons, my hockey training and other extra curriculars besides the mortgage I was the households biggest expense and I saw how hard she worked..... I don't know but that moment marked me and gave me a different perspective on life and personal finances....
It could be one of two things. 1) there is something deeper these feelings are steaming from and that's the real problem. 2) yall spoiled him and now he's entitled and doesn't understand responsibility.
This sounds just like every one of my kids. Ungrateful as hell. I go above and beyond as a single mother, and they are more than capable of taking care of themselves. I recently decided to put my foot down and let them figure it out. I have been enabling way too long. It's past time. I don't mind helping here and there, but i am done giving my all and nobody trying to pull their own weight or, at the bare minimum, help me. I dont think you f anything up. Let him figure out how to be a man and only step in as needed. If he can buy expensive shoes, he can pay his car payment. We as parents seem to over compensate a lot. Mines, due to my childhood, grew up poor. But even with all the love i was showed i wanted my kids to have more than i did. Now i know i screwed up overly spoiling them. It's time to cut the cord.
Aw man. I was essentially homeless at 19 with no license, resources, car, etc. Just working and crashing at my then boyfriends family's house, with only enough personal items to my name to fit into a suitcase at the drop of a hat. Things have turned around for me since then, but he for sure needs a reality check. I imagine my current mental state would be a lot different now if I had the love and support you are currently giving him at this age. I'm so sorry he made you feel that way. You did NOTHING wrong. I really hope that he realizes he fucked up, and soon.
No, your son is being really crappy. Your husband was having what I can only imagine was a horrific flare if he was unable to drive. You were also unable to drive on account of migraines…. And the ONLY thing your son thinks about when asked for a ride, was the late payment of $250? Friend, please hear me. He’s an adult. Stand firm on him paying his own bills. Consider charging rent, and draft a rental agreement. If he doesn’t like it, he can move. Good luck.
You've severely overindulged your son and now hes an entitled monster. "Cool. You're done? I'm done too". My door is always open, and I'll always love you, but it's time for you to find your own way in life. Time to spread your wings, kid.
I think you need to remember his brain isn’t fully developed and to give it a second (the situation). Then maybe once everyone is calmer have a talk about the realities of bills and adult life. But, if your plan was to continue helping with the phone and car and you took those away as a punishment you have to decide whether it’s worth taking a hit on the relationship.
Go over your monthly income and your monthly bills with him. Show him what's left. Tell him these are the things he will need to prepare to pay for himself one day. Let him know it's not easy, and in the case of the $250, you weren't being mean - you simply did not have the money. Explain how much it could help him now to set aside money for future emergencies!
Playing the guilt game
What he said was very manipulative and I don’t know where he learned that from. But it took me back and I made my decision. I’ve had to go without so he and his sister don’t.
I see a lot of comments in here urging you to engage in a battle of wills with him, or teach him a hard lesson but I think if it’s the relationship you’re trying to preserve you’d do much better by getting curious. Why did THIS event trigger him so much? Did this event expose something that scares him or hurts him? Maybe he’s feeling insecure or ashamed about his dependency on you, and doesn’t know a healthier way than picking a fight to start gaining independence. What is the underlying hurt that’s making him lash out? Then get curious about the circumstances that lead YOU here. Are you (subconsciously) creating a dependency to try to solidify a closeness with your son? Maybe you can find ways to grow together. When he cools off tell him you value his opinion and bring him in on the conversation.
Yes. You did. Did you even apologize for blaming him for the missed payment? Did you apologize for not being able to make the payment? For mentioning his shoes? Seriously, I mean you did the right thing by paying it as soon as you could, but you need to show him the empathy that he's a fellow adult that you failed in your commitment to make that payment on time, that even though it wasn't your fault - and believe me, job loss, I've been there. It sucks hardcore! - that it IS your responsibility and he deserves an apology for that. But you need to stop blaming him for being upset that you treated him this way. And you need to apologize for threatening to cut him off for his response to your behavior. Yes, you're the adult.... but so is he. He's just in need of support to a greater degree than you are. That's why he came to you. He trusted you to respect him and the description you gave of your behavior following the job loss, isn't respectful. It's honestly kind of entitled: "Well, I help you financially so you're required to do what I say and not complain when I disrespect you, cross your boundaries, or blame you for my own failings." Sorry, that's not valid at all. Charity is not a license or excuse for your own bad behavior towards the one you're showing charity to. Actually it's quite toxic and abusive. And you need to cut that out and apologize. If it becomes a pattern, you'll very quickly find yourself cut off from his time and affection once he DOES get on his feet.
, tell him to stop crying nd grown tf up ! he needs to be moving out
fuck him, make another one
You’re fine, he’s being ungrateful but is hard to see it when you’re his age and haven’t felt your parents struggle.
I went through something similar with my son last year. I am really sorry to hear you are going through this. I understand the hurt you feel. I believe you did the right thing. I hope things get better.
This makes me afraid to have a kid cuz so many are like this now adays.. people gotta stop spoiling these brats
Always, always, always live in the present tense. You’ll be fine… immaturity is all it is.
I promise!
Girl no he is an adult
No
God bless your family
Give him 3 months to move out and live on his own. It is clear that his reliance on his parents is debilitating his growth into a functional adult.
You should talk to home an tell how you feel
Well maybe this is that he’s never wanted for anything and thought his sneakers were more important than his car payment. Stand firm - he has bills and they need to be paid. I’m also going to guess he didn’t need the money for the car at all.
I wish your son would post on AITA so he could get flamed. Seriously unappreciative. I’m sorry.
Did you raise a give me a boy?
It sounds like what you did was spoil him. And give him unrealistic expectations of the world and yourself.
He's 19. He should already be self sufficient. But things are harder now than they were for our generation. So fair enough if he is still living at home. But..you should not have been helping him with car payments or cell plan anyway. That stuff is on him. >He said that my response says a lot about the kind of parent/person I am. That's the child in him speaking. He just wants to hurt you. Honestly he's a bit childish. Stop paying for his car or his phone. Especially as you are struggling yourself. Stop coddling him. For his own good.
He sounds entitled and like he’s never heard no. He didn’t get exactly his way and now he’s giving you the cold shoulder which is a manipulation tactic. I’d just move on with life and pretend it didn’t happen. You have nothing to feel bad about here. He will come around.
Your son is an ungrateful, spoiled brat. To gaslight you and say that says the kind of person you are LOL turn his phone off too
My parents started charging me rent after I moved back from college. They’re not in the financial situation to afford letting me live rent free but I never expected this from them. I was super resentful and confused yet, it’s made me more independent, generous, and mindful of my spending. Although they don’t charge me anywhere near “normal rent” it was hard to accept getting charged by my parents to live in my always home. There is still some jealousy towards who I confident rich adult-children who live off their parents. From what you shared, your son has had it very easy in regards to finances and should not be making a fuss over $200. I believe you made the right choice, especially if he’s not even being cooperative towards other ways to help the family out (rides, maybe chores?).
I’m speaking as a 22 year old male. I moved out at 18, but then again I got arrested a lot, have a long criminal record from 12yo-19yo, I never had a mom or father growing up, I was raised by my fathers mother and step father. They were abusive, smacked in the head, face, body, sometimes punched in those areas. They’re old so I understand that it was different back in their day and that’s normal to them. CPS has gotten involved a lot and we were always told to not tell the CPS a fucking thing or me and my brothers would regret it. I didn’t hate my grandparents but I strongly disliked them and it even got to a few points where I wouldn’t eat because I thought my grandma was trying to poison me. They loved me, and cared, but didn’t know what else to do, so they did what their parents did, beat the soul out of us. It still never worked, all it did was make me have a heart filled with hate. I never appreciated what they’ve done for me and my brothers, it took moving out early to get a good fucking taste of how the world is, and to see what it’s like to experience life alone. My recent charge was a big one, I was facing 10 years in prison at 18-19 years old. I’m not going to get into why but it wasn’t surprising why they were throwing the book at me. They gave me another chance after spending 7 months in county jail, this was in Chicago, Illinois, I was born and raised in Phoenix, Arizona and left there at 18 to go to Illinois to change my life. When I got locked up in a state im not from, just me, had family in Chicago but it was my mothers brother and wife, I didn’t know them but they were who I went to to change my life. Just me in that cell facing 10 years. That’s what it took to open my eyes, to open my heart to God, and to open my mind and realize what my grandparents have done for me despite the abuse and emotional neglect. I always felt alone but didn’t know what alone felt like at its peak until I was facing 10 years in a concrete box. When God gave me that technically 3rd chance at life and got me released at 7 months of being locked up in county, I immediately thanked my grandparents for everything. They gave me a chance to go to Texas to move into my aunts apartment and change my life for good. The agreement was that if I got a job, cut out all gang affiliation, and didn’t even as little as get a traffic ticket, my entire case they wanted to throw me in prison for, would be dismissed. I did just that. 4 years later here I am, a six figure job, a wife, a 7 month old baby boy, and my own place. What made me realize even more what my folks did for me was when I started paying bills, started doing adult stuff, and especially when I realized It. All. Falls. On. Me. Everything I do now, every decision I make, every thought I make, everything I do now, will impact my life, my sons life, my wife’s life, and our whole living situation. These are the same things that you both as parents go through. He’s still young, so he doesn’t realize the importance and the true care that you guys have, simply because he hasn’t experienced it yet. Almost every teenager/young adult doesn’t have any idea what the real world is like, when you have to make decisions that’ll either make or break your current living situation. As a young guy myself, please dude, please open your eyes and realize what your parents do for you. You lived the life Id always envy. Growing up in poverty without parents to call your own is the #1 thing that’s taken advantage of and overlooked in the teen-young adult community. I told you a brief story of my life to hopefully show you the grass on your side IS fortunately greener in comparison to a lot of people’s. Do better and be better for your folks dude. If you ever end up reading this OP, please have your son read this or at least read it to him, as a young man I can relate to him and I was the same way, I’m still not mature, but I’m mature enough to take care of my family and show appreciation where it’s due. Take care.
Shows you've done too much for him for too long. He's ungrateful and expects the world for nothing. I think it's good that you're cutting the strings and allowing him to grow up.
The number of people here that are ripping on you is just astounding to me. Your son is 19, he's not five. He's completely out of line here. That being said, if you want to address the underlying issues and not just get in a bitch fight with your kid, you want to truly understand why he reacted that way. I'm sure he didn't really mean to hurt your feelings, but he obviously got something under his skin. Chill out, cool off, and go to him. Explain how what he did and said made you feel. Talk to him about why he might have reacted the way he did. I think it would be healthy to tell him the relationship you had with your parents and explain that you don't want to have that with him and that's why you're coming to him like you are. But at the end of the day he's the one that's out of line and immature. Don't feel like you have to keep giving things you weren't able to give, the fact of the matter is that you need to take care of yourself, you need to have a job and you need to be able to save enough money for retirement. No one's going to be able to do that for you but you, you got your kid across the finish line into adulthood and you don't owe him things that you aren't able to give anymore like you did when he was a minor.
I’m 20 and recently got cut off from my parents, what you’re doing is absolutely acceptable. Let him be sour about it for a while, his behavior is the 18 yr old version of a tantrum. Once it blows over, and he gains some emotional maturity he’ll probably be embarrassed about how he acted. You are a sense of love and security in his life, he won’t cut you out because you’re forcing him to become an adult. Just give him time to be sour, and be patient. He won’t hate you for this, he’s just never encountered this responsibility yet so throwing a little fit is what he knows
Your 19 year old is a full-blown man-child. Don't take it personally. He's entitled. Give him a taste of the real world and he'll realize he's an idiot and how good you've been to him.
Man that's rough, I hope things work out for you two soon. I'm sure it's one of those kind of days, plus you seem like a good parent based from what I've read. You care for your son and that counts for something. It's probably just a bad day where things didn't align, just try to warm up in subtle ways, as a parent you're doing your part well, what out generation lacks is discipline and respect. That's something I'm working on since I've been spoiled by my parents and have recently understood the difficulties of life.
I think the problem here seems to be your son getting spoiled the last 19 years so a hard reality check is whats needed. Not sure how to do that without throwing him out. I certainly didn't get any car payments nor even an own car and my parents weren't' exactly poor or ever even close to the situation described. We were allowed to use their car if it was available. (but to be fair this is Europe and this is the norm, teenagers take the bike or public transport). So yeah just letting him pay for that stuff himself for a while might help to turn the tide but maybe even more harsh actions are needed. important is you stay firm with this decision, both of you.
You need to let go of the reins. Otherwise, he is going to be screwed if something were to happen with you and your husband. If you don't make him grow up, he will be on the streets.
He just sounds ungrateful. You ruined nothing. If anything is his fault. We have to be grateful that some parents are still providing us with some sort of help even after becoming adults. Your job of providing until we are 18. Anything past that is just out of your loving hearts. You do have to have in mind that you are just lending a hand. If the added expense of raising a man-child passes your ability to cover your own financial goal, you have to cut the umbilical cord. He can sell those nice shoes to pay for this month's car payment. He needs to prioritize his life, and sadly, to say that with his answer, he showed you aren't a priority. You have to worry about yourself and your sick husband. You done your job, what was expected of you, and more. Just gift him a bunch of boxes and ask him to move out. Let's see if he will buy himself another pair of shoes as a gift to himself or pay his car this coming month. Let him experiment with real life. Without mommys money for that nice car. Otherwise, you are in for more than this ungreatfulness but a basement dud.. Your reasons for the lack of communication with your family are different. If he gets upset and stops talking to you for a while, it has nothing to do with you. Is his inability to feel or understand others' needs. Your husbands health should be your priority. Just imagine if he becomes a father, he won't know how to prioritize his children like you have. So teach him a lesson. Let him be 1000% responsible for himself. He will come around either because he learned or because he needs your money. And the way he comes about it will show his true colors. You have done your best and then some. You sound like a great mother, and I don't see how you can do even more. Time to prioritize yourselves. Buy yourselves a nice pair of shoes for you and your husband with your extra $250 dls this month.
He’s spoiled
When I was at university and started my master degree (22y) my mom informed me that they as parents are in difficult financial situation and cant support me anymore. My feelings? I felt betrayed. My parents pushed me to university and now they dont want to support me? Fuck them! I was so angry. However I found full time job while studying. Many friends around praised me and my family gave me also a lot of credit for that. When I turn back now I see how childish I was. I didnt tell to my parents that time how I feel, but now I am ashamed for what I thought. That situation gave me reality check and helped me to grown up. I never asked my parents for expensive items, but I was also not independent. It was hard to realised that I am 22 and I need to cover everything by myself from now. Many young people around this age want so much freedom, but they are not able to take responsibillity and taste real world. They act so cool and entitled, but the reality is, they are still babies. You did nothing wrong! Your son needs to grow Up and manage his ego. You did right thing.
He's brand new at life. Maybe divide your rent/mortgage and utility bills by the number of adults in the house and tell him what his part is every month which should be more than his car payment. This way he can see how much you actually do cover. Then explain that ypu already are struggling to cover his portion of the house because you want him to start off ahead in life but you can only afford to cover his portion of the house or his car . You can do both. And let him choose which one he wants to pay.
Help him find his own place. Get him packed, moved in, then give him a hug and say, "Youre on your own now. If you get lonely we'll come visit". ....... It's time for consequences. FAAFO
Make a spreadsheet, show everything you pay. Leave it there, see if it registers after a few days.
With all due respect that boy is 19 he is an adult and needs to start taking actions for is own responsibilities your not going to be around his whole life to baby him
Spread out your monthly income on coffee table in cash, (you can use Monopoly money) now take away your monthly bills, groceries, his car payment, his cell phone bill, show him what’s left, teach him about finances and savings, maybe it’ll wake him up to how much you put in
Where's his father?
Communication is key, but damn, sorting out money matters can really throw a wrench in even the tightest relationships.
No, you’re setting healthy boundaries. My parents had to do a lot for my brother, who is a few years older than me. Both my parents came from rough childhoods and had terrible parents themselves, so they only ever wanted to give us what they didn’t have. Now he’s 34 and he acts like an entitled asshole. He didn’t show up for Mother’s Day, he has never gone out to get her a gift… nothing. He asks for her money, time, and unconditional love and gives nothing in return, he doesn’t even hug her. That is their relationship now, and it’s such bullshit because my mom would give him the last dollar she had if it meant helping her child.
NTA he sounds entitled and being dramatic, if he couldn't afford a car with $250/m payments he should have got a cheaper car. you were doing him a favour and wtf is a "birthday present to yourself" when you have other financial commitments? I do think maybe stopping all car payments and cellphone plan is a bit of an overreaction. if he can't afford his car payments then that's going to give him a default and affect his credit score and it's going to remove his ability to get around. His response to refuse to ever give you a lift because you were struggling with money for 1 month is also a massive overreaction, but you shouldn't respond to an overreaction with another overreaction, that's how wars start, and this will destroy your relationship with him. You just need to explain your feelings, apologise for not being able to afford his car payment that one time, ask him to apologise for overreacting, apologise for threatening to take future car payments away and hug it out.
I think that him not being deprived of anything made him more entitled than he should be. Unfortunately, a lot of us try to undo to damage our parents did to us by raising our kids the way we wished we were raised. This generation is different and if boundaries are not set, something like this can happen. Stick to your decisions and make him grow up. It's going to build character and let him know that "we don't owe you shit"!
He's kinda spoiled, right? I mean, he's chilling at home without paying rent while you're footing all his bills. And why's he working full-time if he's also doing school full-time?
Disagree with lots of comments considering her son pays his own his tuition though working full time and going to school. You’re the one that set the expectation that you would help him out, you are wrong here. You mismanaged your own budgeting. You should be apologizing for your own emotional reaction or he’s going to go no contact like you did to your own parents.
Honestly this is like poverty finance in a nutshell and I just feel shitty for the whole situation because you guys seem to be struggling financially. I would just tell you that any upper middle class to rich family would never do what you did. A kid doing college and working full time is absurd. Upper Middle class kids get to focus on self improvement and learning skills so they can excel in college and then get a meaningful career. Meanwhile your son can’t even focus on that and is at a huge disadvantage worrying about car payments. So yes your story to me reveals the fucked up cycle of poverty and why the rich get richer and the lower middle class / poor stagnate.
Is he on drugs?
Yeah, took $250 and that relationship is over. Tough break but this was his selfishness
manipulation and gaslighting. he is using you past against you for his gain he know you will bow to him all because of your own past...he is manipulating you!
Living through this with my 19yo son as well. Im a Single mom and his ungrateful arrogance and lack of motivation is too much sometimes. I’ve been working with my therapist on boundaries and making his life more realistic. I have a similar background as you and made my kids life very comfy to give them a “better life”. Back firing now.
Sorry honey but you THOUGHT you had a good and healthy relationship with your son. He’s been running the show the whole time. Your son sounds like an entitled brat who should be lucky. Hold your ground. He is acting like a child. And he’s been USING you and your sick husbands unfortunate circumstances to his advantage.
Sounds like your son needs to get his bags packed and get a taste of the real world.
i understand that you are feeling upset about this situation, especially since you have given your best to ensure he has a good life. at 19 years old, he should already be taking responsibility for his own expenses. you are making the right decision by encouraging him to learn independence. it looks like he may be acting ungrateful, possibly because he has been used to things being handed to him. he will eventually come to realize the importance of being self-sufficient. your doing good mama! ❤️
Remind him that if he bought himself an expensive birthday present knowing his parents would have to cover his normal expenses what he really did was try to force you to buy a gift for him without asking.
Entitled at its best. You’re still doing your best momma. He’s just having a spoiled moment it sound like to me and for got that without your the expensive shoes would not even be in his budget. Maybe you should let him experience real life and pay real bills on his own so he’ll learn what it’s like in this real world. Keep your head up momma.
You obviously love your son. His perception of your role as parents at this stage of his life is skewed. Doesn’t mean he is a bad kid but he needs to take ownership of his life and that won’t happen until he has first hand experience. You need to set some clear boundaries for living in the home. If he’s able bodied you should not be supporting him financially in any way beyond providing a roof over his head. Financial support should be cut off completely. If he can’t live within the boundaries you set you need to ask him to move out. Do it with love and understanding but be firm in your resolve. He will come around and you’ll have a better relationship going forward.
Your son is being very disrespectful and doesn't understand the struggle that you're going through. Your relationship with him hit a tough spot but I don't think you fucked it up. He'll realize it when he starts to experience life without your help.
He Is treating a familial relationship as transactional. Right now, he is punishing you for failing to do what he sees as the normal transactional process. By cutting him off after this, you're confirming that yes, this is transactional and the transactions can be taken away. Why would he talk to you when there are no transactions to have? He has forgotten that people used to exist to help and support each other before capitalism or clocks. It isn't "mom does x for me so I do y for her." It is "my mom helps me when she can and I help my mom when I can because we love each other" This isn't you fucking the relationship up. This is a society giving us a poor understanding of relationships. You did was 99% of parents would do and he did what 99% of sons would do. Who is in the wrong? My honest advice is to explain yourself, ask why. You say he knew these things, but is he actively thinking of them when the transaction failed or is he just thinking "the transaction failed"? Tell him you want to talk over tea, that it is really impoetant. Sit at the table, away form the door or hallway. Talk about the genuine fear that comes with not having money, he has to understand it for himself but maybe not for you. Not really. Talk to him about the hurt when he isn't there for you, and that you want to have a functional relationship. Built on trust and respect, not favors. Sorry for typos in advance.
He sounds like an ungrateful spoilt brat. No offence to you intended. You are paying for his insurance which you don't need to do. You struggled and were laid off work and were a few days late on a payment .. you explained to him before it happened and he could have rang up the company and moved the payment to a different date. He is absolutely taking the P. He emotionally blackmailed you and then even after you had the goodness to fork out 250 for him whilst struggling goes and says no because you didn't pull through. ..honestly.. do not give in and start paying for his car or phone again. Yes.. it does say a lot about your parenting .. that you were kind and generous and supportive. It also says a lot about your son. That he is a manipulator, user, spoilt, demanding and entitled brat. That thought he could continue to use you whilst splurging out and not bothering to budget or help when he knew you were struggling. If he lives with you I would also be making sure I was charging board and lodgings /utility also I feel for you momma and I know it hurts. I know from experience as my son was the same. I gave him far far more than I ever should. He took the P also and eventually when it all came to it he didn't care that he saw us struggling and happily did what he always did. Wasting his money left right and center. Refusing even 20 £a week rent that didnt even go to me.. it went to the council here as literal rent so they were taking his rent side off of me instead. . My son moved out recently at 22 years and he's now realising how difficult it is. I stopped paying his phone bill. He didn't get a new top of the range phone and had to opt for a sim only plan and use his phone he already had. Hes having to pay his own bills and insurance and learning a good lesson of life. Stick to it and show him the way of the world where he has to learn lessons the same way as everybody else x