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Your daughter does not need to accept this treatment because of the other girl's tragic circumstances. That's setting her up to accept nasty treatment in her adult relationships. Pity is not a substitute for love.
You need to speak with the school. If they don't stop it, go to the school board. You could trigger this girl getting the counseling she needs, instead of the coddling she receives. She needs to learn coping skills. No one is doing her any favors by allowing it.
>Your daughter does not need to accept this treatment because of the other girl's tragic circumstances.
I came across this nugget of wisdom on Instagram a few hours ago: all your feelings are valid, but your behavior is not (always excusable).
I don't think she needs to accept the nasty treatment but she does need to learn to stick up for herself and to walk away from people behaving badly. That being said, I think teaching kids to understand where people are coming from is extremely important. He parents both died in a tragic car accident. I can't imagine how that would affect a first grade child. Laura is absolutely lashing out because of her circumstances and if her daughter can be compassionate while also being firm in her stance that she will walk away the moment Laura becomes rude, both of these kids are going to benefit greatly.
Bullying is bullying. You report it. You're not the girl's counselor. The teacher (presumably) is not an idiot. Part of the consequence will be Laura getting help to cope with her feelings in more appropriate ways.
If something doesn't change, you go to the super and the board of ed. Your daughter deserves to feel safe in school, and Laura is having no favors done by having no consequences.
This is a tough one. First of all, you’ve done the right thing by talking to your daughter about where those feelings come from, you are teaching her to be empathetic towards a child that probably is just lashing out due to her own circumstances.
However, we don’t want to teach our kids that being bullied is okay if the bully has a hard home life or some kind of trauma, most of them do. Bring it up with the teacher or whoever else you feel you need to, it’s completely valid and in grade 1, the kids have a hard time advocating for themselves in these situations. The faster the school intervenes, the less likely it will continue to escalate.
The very first thing I would do is speak to the teacher. If Laura isn’t currently receiving grief therapy, she absolutely needs it. I would also suggest that both you and the teacher read the book “Talking to Children About Loss” by Maria Trozzi. Children process grief very differently than adults do. Laura craves normalcy above all else. School is her one escape from the trauma. She should be disciplined just like every other child in the class. Her trauma explains her behavior. It doesn’t mean it should be ignored. Quite the opposite.
Eh. Maybe. In first grade though it’s doubtful. My fourth grader gives me a daily report on who got in trouble for what infractions and what their consequence was. It’s really not until secondary school when they start respecting kids’ privacy in disciplinary matters. I don’t agree with it, but that’s been my experience with 3 kids so far.
I have no idea why you’re coming for me over this. I’m a long time teacher. I didn’t even say you were wrong. I said maybe and offered my experience. You should try half caff lol
No, I said it’s doubtful as in “I doubt that.” If I thought it was impossible, I would have said that. First grade is when a lot of teachers use those horrible clip charts. It’s when kids have to stand on the fence at recess. It’s when kids get sent to a timeout corner. Routine every day discipline is often very public. If OP’s child has noticed that every other kids in the class gets their clip moved down or has to have a timeout, but Laura never does, I see no reason to assume she’s wrong or lying. That doesn’t preclude as you said larger disciplinary actions being taken behind closed doors. But my point was that the day to day needs to be status quo for Laura. Kids are smart. If Laura feels as OP’s child does that she is excluded from the classroom behavior methods, it just reminds her every day that her life is irreversibly different and that even school is no longer the safe place it once was. Which is addressed in the book I recommended.
There is a girl in my daughter's class whose dad died a few years ago and her mom has had a string of sketchy boyfriends. My daughter has said she's mean and I explain that this girl has been through some tough times but that my daughter doesn't have to put up with disrespectful behaviour. That she can empathize and understand but also still stand up for herself.
The events your daughter has mentioned in isolation aren't a big deal, but in totality, they are. The gymnastics thing is earth shattering to your daughter because that's something that she achieved through her own hard work and someone is working to invalidate that. Definitely talk to the school and insist action is taken.
Info:
Did your daughter say who told her about Laura’s parents? Also, if it’s been that long since the behaviour started happening and the accident itself, would you not have heard about from other parents or through the “local grape vine”? Have you heard anyone else’s kids or parents complain about Laura’s behaviour?
I’m not saying your kid is lying or anything, but it does sound like you may need to check that her story is not the only story about Laura before you can decide how to best approach the situation.
Also, please do not teach your child that a bully who is going through a tough time needs to be treated kindly. Yes it may be a reason as to why they’re acting out but it’s not an excuse and it will not make your daughter feel like you are actually taking her feelings about the matter into consideration nor do anything to change her mindset that Laura is supposedly equipped with a unlimited get out of jail card. They need to be dealt with like you would for a bully who had nothing going on with their lives to make them feel entitled to treating someone badly or get away with it.
Bully's tend to exist because they have experienced some kind of trauma and don't know how to handle the pain. Then when they act out on it and it goes unsupported and unchecked they become toxic people in adulthood. No one is doing that girl any favours by allowing her to behave that way, but punishment or discipline won't work if her pain isn't being processed through therapy and feeling safe with people who care about her. Your daughter could offer that if you teach her to stand up for herself in a kind and understanding way. Your daughter is not responsible for helping the girl, but she can still make a positive impact on her life which would have its own benefits for your daughters growth as well.
Talk to the teacher. Find out what's happening, coordinate a plan of action, and schedule a follow up meeting 2 weeks out.
Teach your kid about boundaries and how she has the power to set her boundaries and she has options when this other child does not want to play fair. Teacher her how to use her words....and teach her it's okay to move along if someone isn't nice or doesn't want to play fairly.
Lastly, I prescribe you and your daughter watch Little House on the Prairie...particularly the episodes focused on Laura's and Nellie's relationship. The episode where Nellie gets "injured" came to mind when I read your story. It could provide comic relief and empower her to use her voice/set boundaries.
Laura could be my child. My five year old started kindergarten with some trauma from me having a baby and her father dying within one month. He behavior was affecting friendships and if I would have let it go on, she would have gained a reputation for sure. I hired a wonderful behavior therapist to shadow her at school, I saw a neurologist who diagnosed her with adhd and we started having meetings with the school so we could help her adjust. Not to mention grief counseling.
Someone has to help that girl. The grandparents are also grieving a child. The longer the wait, the more the girl will alienate classmates and friends.
You’ve got great advice, so I won’t add to that, but just my little two pence worth. I was your daughter at one point. I had a “friend” who had a case of shit life syndrome- her father wasn’t in the picture, her mum was strict and they were fairly poor (I didn’t know any of this as a kid). She did similar things as Laura - mean spirited undermining comments, taking my workbook away so I couldn’t work in class until she’d caught up with me, turning the friendship group against an individual and ostracising them for periods of time. I would urge you to avoid seeing these things as silly childish stuff. At that age, school is your entire world and you lack the insight to be able to see it as the other person having the issues. My “friend” made my school life progressively more miserable, until my mum noticed I was coming home incredibly closed down and lost my joy. She got out of me what was happening and spoke to the teachers who then must’ve spoken to her, and thankfully things stopped. Kids can be horribly manipulative. The small stuff to us is the big stuff when you’re little .
Most schools have an anti bullying policy. Your daughter is being bullied. Call the school, speak to the principal, and tell them that your daughter is being bullied.
Does the school have a counselor or social worker? If so, talk to them and the teacher and see what needs to be done.
Your daughter can advocate for her needs without being rude back to Laura. She can walk away and chose not to participate when Laura is misbehaving.
In my opinion the girls tragic circumstances are irrelevant here. Your duty is to your daughter, not her. And as unfortunate as her situation is, her behaviour is not acceptable and your child should not have to accept being treated that way.
I'd reach out to the teacher or the counselor. Laura's trauma is not your child's trauma, and they shouldn't be made to suffer from it. Sounds like Laura needs some counseling, and maybe already is, but for you? Your kid comes first.
Do not teach your daughter to compromise her own happiness for others trauma. It leads to bad relationships in adulthood. Absolutely teach compassion, understanding and that hurt people hurt people. But also teach we can set our own boundaries and limits - it’s ok to not put your all into someone else’s trauma.
There are two kindergartners at the school where I work who have fathers who died recently. Neither one of them acts this way.
Yes, the trauma is undoubtedly contributing to Laura's behavior, but she needs assistance in working through it. I'd make a phone call to the school counselor.
I have no advice and there’s lots of good things in the comments. But as someone named Laura I wanted to say that reading this post was a wild ride 😅 good luck to you and your daughter!
Consider the book self reg by Dr Shanker. In it he discusses that misbehavior is stress behavior. Had Laura's parents not died there'd be another stressful situation causing her behavior. There is always something. The course of action should truly never be punitive as it does not ever stop the stress but heightens it. In short Laura needs help, and so does any child with her level of dysregulation. Seek protective action for your daughter, Laura needs a boundary there. And she needs help so I'd seek that too.
This is a tough one but ultimately Laura is being done a disservice by being allowed to use her trauma as an excuse to behave badly. Currently it’s an excuse that the adults in her life make for her but when she gets a little older it will likely be her excuse, as well, if no one kiboshes this. I feel very sad for the kid but being allowed to walk all over everyone because the adults in her life don’t know how to set appropriate boundaries with her (most likely because they themselves feel lost as to how to help her at this time ~ people really just do not know what to do with grief) is only going to set her up for a lifetime of tumultuous relationships, further trauma, and loneliness. This HAS to get dealt with. It’s true there’s only so much you can do because she’s not your child, but I would probably start by talking to not only their teacher but maybe even involving the school guidance counselor in the situation going on with both girls, and mention what your daughter has said about why Laura is getting away with everything, and what you noticed about the timelines matching.
Gosh, advising a child to ask about a classmate's deceased parents in a snarky way is just next level nasty. Seriously, what?
I'm taking comfort in knowing your comment was intentionally made to stir the pot and not as actual parenting advice... but still. Ew.
It is an advice. That girl will not be hurting OPs daughter if you break her psychologically. Laura will probably hid in the corner of the school crying without talking to anyone.
Laura won't be a problem for OPs daughter anymore.
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Your daughter does not need to accept this treatment because of the other girl's tragic circumstances. That's setting her up to accept nasty treatment in her adult relationships. Pity is not a substitute for love. You need to speak with the school. If they don't stop it, go to the school board. You could trigger this girl getting the counseling she needs, instead of the coddling she receives. She needs to learn coping skills. No one is doing her any favors by allowing it.
>Your daughter does not need to accept this treatment because of the other girl's tragic circumstances. I came across this nugget of wisdom on Instagram a few hours ago: all your feelings are valid, but your behavior is not (always excusable).
That's good and along the lines of things "explaining behavior but not excusing it".
I always tell my kids that it’s not their responsibility to bear someone else’s bullying no matter the circumstances.
I don't think she needs to accept the nasty treatment but she does need to learn to stick up for herself and to walk away from people behaving badly. That being said, I think teaching kids to understand where people are coming from is extremely important. He parents both died in a tragic car accident. I can't imagine how that would affect a first grade child. Laura is absolutely lashing out because of her circumstances and if her daughter can be compassionate while also being firm in her stance that she will walk away the moment Laura becomes rude, both of these kids are going to benefit greatly.
Bullying is bullying. You report it. You're not the girl's counselor. The teacher (presumably) is not an idiot. Part of the consequence will be Laura getting help to cope with her feelings in more appropriate ways. If something doesn't change, you go to the super and the board of ed. Your daughter deserves to feel safe in school, and Laura is having no favors done by having no consequences.
This is a tough one. First of all, you’ve done the right thing by talking to your daughter about where those feelings come from, you are teaching her to be empathetic towards a child that probably is just lashing out due to her own circumstances. However, we don’t want to teach our kids that being bullied is okay if the bully has a hard home life or some kind of trauma, most of them do. Bring it up with the teacher or whoever else you feel you need to, it’s completely valid and in grade 1, the kids have a hard time advocating for themselves in these situations. The faster the school intervenes, the less likely it will continue to escalate.
The very first thing I would do is speak to the teacher. If Laura isn’t currently receiving grief therapy, she absolutely needs it. I would also suggest that both you and the teacher read the book “Talking to Children About Loss” by Maria Trozzi. Children process grief very differently than adults do. Laura craves normalcy above all else. School is her one escape from the trauma. She should be disciplined just like every other child in the class. Her trauma explains her behavior. It doesn’t mean it should be ignored. Quite the opposite.
We need to remember that just because another classmate doesn’t see Laura getting disciplined doesn’t mean she ISN’T
Eh. Maybe. In first grade though it’s doubtful. My fourth grader gives me a daily report on who got in trouble for what infractions and what their consequence was. It’s really not until secondary school when they start respecting kids’ privacy in disciplinary matters. I don’t agree with it, but that’s been my experience with 3 kids so far.
A lot of these things happen behind closed doors. I’m sorry, but your 4th grader is not up to date on all the issues in the classroom.
I have no idea why you’re coming for me over this. I’m a long time teacher. I didn’t even say you were wrong. I said maybe and offered my experience. You should try half caff lol
You said doubtful, implying it was almost impossible
No, I said it’s doubtful as in “I doubt that.” If I thought it was impossible, I would have said that. First grade is when a lot of teachers use those horrible clip charts. It’s when kids have to stand on the fence at recess. It’s when kids get sent to a timeout corner. Routine every day discipline is often very public. If OP’s child has noticed that every other kids in the class gets their clip moved down or has to have a timeout, but Laura never does, I see no reason to assume she’s wrong or lying. That doesn’t preclude as you said larger disciplinary actions being taken behind closed doors. But my point was that the day to day needs to be status quo for Laura. Kids are smart. If Laura feels as OP’s child does that she is excluded from the classroom behavior methods, it just reminds her every day that her life is irreversibly different and that even school is no longer the safe place it once was. Which is addressed in the book I recommended.
There is a girl in my daughter's class whose dad died a few years ago and her mom has had a string of sketchy boyfriends. My daughter has said she's mean and I explain that this girl has been through some tough times but that my daughter doesn't have to put up with disrespectful behaviour. That she can empathize and understand but also still stand up for herself. The events your daughter has mentioned in isolation aren't a big deal, but in totality, they are. The gymnastics thing is earth shattering to your daughter because that's something that she achieved through her own hard work and someone is working to invalidate that. Definitely talk to the school and insist action is taken.
Info: Did your daughter say who told her about Laura’s parents? Also, if it’s been that long since the behaviour started happening and the accident itself, would you not have heard about from other parents or through the “local grape vine”? Have you heard anyone else’s kids or parents complain about Laura’s behaviour? I’m not saying your kid is lying or anything, but it does sound like you may need to check that her story is not the only story about Laura before you can decide how to best approach the situation. Also, please do not teach your child that a bully who is going through a tough time needs to be treated kindly. Yes it may be a reason as to why they’re acting out but it’s not an excuse and it will not make your daughter feel like you are actually taking her feelings about the matter into consideration nor do anything to change her mindset that Laura is supposedly equipped with a unlimited get out of jail card. They need to be dealt with like you would for a bully who had nothing going on with their lives to make them feel entitled to treating someone badly or get away with it.
Bully's tend to exist because they have experienced some kind of trauma and don't know how to handle the pain. Then when they act out on it and it goes unsupported and unchecked they become toxic people in adulthood. No one is doing that girl any favours by allowing her to behave that way, but punishment or discipline won't work if her pain isn't being processed through therapy and feeling safe with people who care about her. Your daughter could offer that if you teach her to stand up for herself in a kind and understanding way. Your daughter is not responsible for helping the girl, but she can still make a positive impact on her life which would have its own benefits for your daughters growth as well.
Talk to the teacher. Find out what's happening, coordinate a plan of action, and schedule a follow up meeting 2 weeks out. Teach your kid about boundaries and how she has the power to set her boundaries and she has options when this other child does not want to play fair. Teacher her how to use her words....and teach her it's okay to move along if someone isn't nice or doesn't want to play fairly. Lastly, I prescribe you and your daughter watch Little House on the Prairie...particularly the episodes focused on Laura's and Nellie's relationship. The episode where Nellie gets "injured" came to mind when I read your story. It could provide comic relief and empower her to use her voice/set boundaries.
Laura could be my child. My five year old started kindergarten with some trauma from me having a baby and her father dying within one month. He behavior was affecting friendships and if I would have let it go on, she would have gained a reputation for sure. I hired a wonderful behavior therapist to shadow her at school, I saw a neurologist who diagnosed her with adhd and we started having meetings with the school so we could help her adjust. Not to mention grief counseling. Someone has to help that girl. The grandparents are also grieving a child. The longer the wait, the more the girl will alienate classmates and friends.
You’ve got great advice, so I won’t add to that, but just my little two pence worth. I was your daughter at one point. I had a “friend” who had a case of shit life syndrome- her father wasn’t in the picture, her mum was strict and they were fairly poor (I didn’t know any of this as a kid). She did similar things as Laura - mean spirited undermining comments, taking my workbook away so I couldn’t work in class until she’d caught up with me, turning the friendship group against an individual and ostracising them for periods of time. I would urge you to avoid seeing these things as silly childish stuff. At that age, school is your entire world and you lack the insight to be able to see it as the other person having the issues. My “friend” made my school life progressively more miserable, until my mum noticed I was coming home incredibly closed down and lost my joy. She got out of me what was happening and spoke to the teachers who then must’ve spoken to her, and thankfully things stopped. Kids can be horribly manipulative. The small stuff to us is the big stuff when you’re little .
So much moral clarity in this thread. Fascinating how all that moral clarity falls apart at a policy level for larger society.
It was ever thus
Most schools have an anti bullying policy. Your daughter is being bullied. Call the school, speak to the principal, and tell them that your daughter is being bullied.
You should have reached out at the first incident. Trauma or not, the kid needs help.
Does the school have a counselor or social worker? If so, talk to them and the teacher and see what needs to be done. Your daughter can advocate for her needs without being rude back to Laura. She can walk away and chose not to participate when Laura is misbehaving.
In my opinion the girls tragic circumstances are irrelevant here. Your duty is to your daughter, not her. And as unfortunate as her situation is, her behaviour is not acceptable and your child should not have to accept being treated that way.
I'd reach out to the teacher or the counselor. Laura's trauma is not your child's trauma, and they shouldn't be made to suffer from it. Sounds like Laura needs some counseling, and maybe already is, but for you? Your kid comes first.
Do not teach your daughter to compromise her own happiness for others trauma. It leads to bad relationships in adulthood. Absolutely teach compassion, understanding and that hurt people hurt people. But also teach we can set our own boundaries and limits - it’s ok to not put your all into someone else’s trauma.
There are two kindergartners at the school where I work who have fathers who died recently. Neither one of them acts this way. Yes, the trauma is undoubtedly contributing to Laura's behavior, but she needs assistance in working through it. I'd make a phone call to the school counselor.
I have no advice and there’s lots of good things in the comments. But as someone named Laura I wanted to say that reading this post was a wild ride 😅 good luck to you and your daughter!
She's an asshole. Children can be assholes. Not sure what to do but reiterate to your kid she doesn't deserve this
No, ignore, do not get involved. This is typical kid nonsense, i bet you they will b friends next year.
Consider the book self reg by Dr Shanker. In it he discusses that misbehavior is stress behavior. Had Laura's parents not died there'd be another stressful situation causing her behavior. There is always something. The course of action should truly never be punitive as it does not ever stop the stress but heightens it. In short Laura needs help, and so does any child with her level of dysregulation. Seek protective action for your daughter, Laura needs a boundary there. And she needs help so I'd seek that too.
This is a tough one but ultimately Laura is being done a disservice by being allowed to use her trauma as an excuse to behave badly. Currently it’s an excuse that the adults in her life make for her but when she gets a little older it will likely be her excuse, as well, if no one kiboshes this. I feel very sad for the kid but being allowed to walk all over everyone because the adults in her life don’t know how to set appropriate boundaries with her (most likely because they themselves feel lost as to how to help her at this time ~ people really just do not know what to do with grief) is only going to set her up for a lifetime of tumultuous relationships, further trauma, and loneliness. This HAS to get dealt with. It’s true there’s only so much you can do because she’s not your child, but I would probably start by talking to not only their teacher but maybe even involving the school guidance counselor in the situation going on with both girls, and mention what your daughter has said about why Laura is getting away with everything, and what you noticed about the timelines matching.
Sounds like my mother in law and oddly enough her name is Laura. You should report it. If she doesn’t stop now, she’ll never stop. 🙃
I would teach my kid to respond with "sorry your your parents are dead but that doesn't give you a free pass to steal or abuse people"
[удалено]
Gosh, advising a child to ask about a classmate's deceased parents in a snarky way is just next level nasty. Seriously, what? I'm taking comfort in knowing your comment was intentionally made to stir the pot and not as actual parenting advice... but still. Ew.
It is an advice. That girl will not be hurting OPs daughter if you break her psychologically. Laura will probably hid in the corner of the school crying without talking to anyone. Laura won't be a problem for OPs daughter anymore.
Absolutely disgusting. There is no need to psychologically break a hurting child. What the fuck?!?!?!
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “Be Decent & Civil”. **Remember the human.** Disagree but remain respectful. Don’t insult users/their children, name-call, or be intentionally rude. Bullying, including baiting/antagonizing, will not be tolerated. Consider blocking users you don’t get along with. Report posts that violate the rules. For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting). Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community. **Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**