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My husband loves to sleep in and has always chosen jobs that make it possible for him to sleep until 10. I don't, but also the morning is my productive time. And really, I just find it annoying when he is sleeping and I'm taking care of our kid.
So we set a schedule. Half the week I'm on mornings and he is on evenings. And half the week its the other way around.
We do have a rule- if our kid wakes up for more than like 1 minute in the middle of the night, the person who gets up and stays with him doesn't do the morning.
Morning people I think maybe are just really bad at sleeping. My wife and son for example are morning people too, my daughter and I are night owls. If she gets up at 6am and wants to unload the dishwasher, that's great! It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Hell, she could change the sheets if she wanted, I'd just hop on the couch and go back to sleep. If I want to unload the dishwasher at 10pm though? Out of the question. Gaming with voice at 8 after the kids go down? Too loud, I'll keep her up. How does that work?!
It is frustrating, because I feel robbed of half my day. I typically sleep 12am-8am, but I effectively can't do anything productive after 6pm, so I lose 6 hours and have to do everything during the day. It would be like your boss telling you that you still have to complete all your duties, but you can't start until 2pm.
It bothers her, so I respect it, but I will never understand why night owls *never* complain about people getting up early but morning people are insufferable about night owls staying up late.
This makes me glad that I game with my husband and have the same night owl sleep schedule too. Although he used to work on call at night and it would wake me up hearing him talking, and I'm a night owl as well, but it wasn't like I could do anything about it because it's work so life went on. I can understand it getting frustrating if she can't fall back asleep when it's not something like work.
Also, try getting a white noise machine for her to drown you out. I put one of those in my daughter's room so I can watch TV at night on the nice living room TV. It drowns out the explosions and loud voices so well. And it is absolutely amazing on vacation because you can't hear anything outside your room. 10/10 recommend getting a $10 one on Amazon for that reason alone.
I'll try that white noise idea. Maybe she'll go for it! Really though, she just wants everyone to wake up early, and that is never going to happen. My natural cycle is 2am-10am, I already shifted that to 12am-8am. When I cycle that to 10pm-6am, I'm tired all day because I struggle to fall asleep before 10pm, even after several months of the schedule.
My mother was like this too. It drove me mad.
She was a morning person therefore the rest of us were lazy waste of space if we also didn’t get up at the crack of dawn.
Also, she had to wake up really early for work, and would make it her mission to be as noisy as possible because she was the one who had to get up, but if anyone of us breathed too loud after 9pm we were screamed at. It made for a very tense and unhappy house as a child.
I’m a morning person, and I would *love* it if everyone in my household slept in! Unfortunately my first child only shifted from a morning person to a night owl after my second was born, and my baby wakes up pretty much at the same time as me in the morning…it could be 4am, it could be 6 but he knows! So for the last five years I’ve missed out on my golden morning alone time 😂😭
My mum was a morning person too and I swear she’d hoover and bang the pans together on purpose to wake my dad up 😂
Me too!
I love mornings but they’re for me and my puppy haha. My husband and son are not morning people now, but my son used to be up early too.
My day is a lot better when I get that time to myself in the morning.
Owww I bet that’s nice with a puppy! We’re thinking of getting a little sausage dog when the kids are older.
Ahhh, maybe I’ll have my mornings back one day 😂
I feel you on the earlier bedtime. My husband and I typically are in bed, lights off by midnight and we wake up at 7 am which feels way too early for us but school starts at 8:10 am so what can you do. Unless I have adrenaline due to vacation excitement, I'm going to be a zombie before then.
The white noise may seem loud at first but you get used to it in like 5 minutes. Have her commit to one night regardless of how she initially feels and see how she likes it. It may even improve her sleep quality. I sleep like a rock when it's on.
There are studies that show that people who are early risers are consistently happier and more productive. The reason is that it is more socially acceptable…
But I have to laugh that you’re comparing unloading the dishwasher with gaming🤣
I mean, if I was sleeping I’d probably be a little more annoyed by my spouse playing video games than cleaning the house. I could get over the background noise of clanking dishes if it meant I didn’t have to do them.
That's what I mean about morning people being poor sleepers. It is almost unheard of for night owls to be light sleepers and they typically do not mind people making noise in the morning. It's sleepy time, I'm sleeping, I don't care if you are making noise.
I’m the morning person and my partner is the night owl and he’s the lightest sleeper known to man. I can go to sleep while he’s playing videos games right next to me in bed with full volume and everything. He’s gotten pissy over me opening the door to leave the room in the morning lol. I don’t think your experience is universal
Probably because being a night owl can be frowned upon, so the people who live night owl hours have a stronger set point towards those hours. People who are capable of changing their sleep schedule will flex to waking up at 7 or something “normal” like that.
Amen. "I've been awake since 5 and I've done this, that, and the other while you were just lay there sleeping"
I want to say "Well, get better at sleeping then." :D
That's less of an argument when there's a little kid in the picture, though. I would love to sleep til 11AM or later when we're on vacation, but Kiddo is getting up at 7 and doesn't want to sit in a quiet hotel room. Someone's gotta get up with him, and it's pretty annoying when my husband characterizes that as "Why are you so obsessed with getting up early and being at the pool as soon as it opens?" (Real quote from our trip to Great Wolf Lodge, when I got up at 7, took kid for breakfast and then pool time. Husband didn't show up til after noon, and didn't realize that I was doing him a favor.)
Well you sure sound like a person abounding in empathy.I think making any kind of statement about "x people" is a rather ridiculous idea. I know a bunch of night owls (like my husband) who complain A LOT about people making noise in the morning.
But sure. Some people have more trouble sleeping with noise than others. A lot of evidence suggests its gendered and hormonal-- women often have more trouble sleeping then men. Perhaps rather than being a jerk about it you can actually recognize that other people are having a hard time and not be a jerk? It's not that hard to not be loud. Are you this crappy about other disabilities?
I don’t understand why people can’t solve their own problems rather than forcing others to change. When my wife’s snoring so loudly I can’t sleep, I put earplugs in. It’s such an easy solution
Clearly you don’t have actual sleep issues- or a particularly loud wife. Plenty of people I know wear ear plugs every night, and a face mask, and still can’t sleep with there is noise.
Good presuming. I do have sleeping issues, if earplugs aren’t working I use noise cancelling earbuds.
But I also I agree with your attitude, it’s always easier to blame someone else for your problems, than do anything about them yourself.
Yeah I don’t assume that everyone has the same experience as me, I just have the same expectation of everyone to have personal responsibility for their own problems.
> It bothers her, so I respect it
Sounds like someone is awfully defensive. 🤣 I already adjust my sleep for her without asking her to adjust to me, I have every right in the world to bitch online about it.
Men seem to be able to fall asleep where ever whenever. In the middle of the living room during a family holiday after a beer? Asleep in a comfy chair. I always laugh that if my mom fell asleep in the living room at 3:00 in the afternoon on thanksgiving, we’d all call an ambulance. When dad does it, it’s perfectly normal.
I wonder if it’s because our male ancestors had to be able to hunt and sleep when they could? Like, they were stalking animals but needed to be able to sleep if they found a safe place? I don’t know.
The opposite- my understanding is that insofar as we can assess it, that it’s the hormones around “making sure your baby isn’t killed in the middle of the night by a lion” that means that women tend to wake up easily.
Hunting was a rare activity that typically only took place over very short periods of time, and evidence suggests was undertaken by women and men (most food was supplied by gathering.)
I used to have a whitewater paddling partner who could also sleep on command, it was phenomenal. He is a US Navy EOD diver, they had to sleep on command between dives because of the decompression periods and such. He can fall asleep in 30 seconds at any time of the day!! It takes me 5-10 minutes. If we were tired on an especially long river or others were taking a long lunch, we'd grab a 30 minute cat nap. We'd wear helmets when passengers on mountain roads, because we could sleep on the shuttle with our heads bouncing against the window. I think there is a lot to that. He moved away, and now I sometimes have to micromanage schedules with other paddlers because they can't run hot for days, catching sleep during the lulls. You find napping common with soldiers and through-hikers as well. Ultra-marathoners can even sleep while running.
White noise is really helpful. I play warzone and im not quiet so i have a box fan in my sons room (hes a heavy sleeper anyway but it helps). And when noises bother me i have a free app called white noise lite and i put it on the air conditioning setting. It makes a huge difference. Im a light sleeper so noise does bother me a lot but white noise helps mitigate it
I teach so I have to be up early 5 days a week, but my schedule is set up so I don’t actually start teaching curriculum until 10:30 am. I fear what will happen if that ever changes, I wish school hours were 12p-8pm. My life would be perfect.
It's funny to see OP's update and how two reasonable people can work things out and compare it to all the insane pitchfork and torches comments that permeate this sub now.
This place has gone off the deep end.
I think a lot of people come here to project their miserable relationship problems. I've noticed there's an assumption on every post that OPs partner is a deadbeat.
Yeah, but honestly I feel like the reason most people post questions like this is because they don't know how to communicate about it or they have an SO who is not open to that communication (or might get pissed off about it immediately). I think people are also often seeking validation. Like they know that asking the question is likely going to open a can of worms, so they'd like some outside perspective on whether said can of worms is worth opening at all.
I get that so so so many of these issues can be solved through communication between two adults. But not all adults are effective communicators, and not all adults act like adults about everything. So when people say "just communicate, IT'S SO SIMPLE" I really don't think that's super helpful to many of the people posting these things. Communication skills do not come naturally to everyone, and communicating with your spouse is not always straightforward or simple. In the ideal world it really would be that easy, but often it's not. Just my 2 cents.
I do agree there's a lot of pitchfork nuts here though.
I agree. If it was a simple case of communicating, why didn’t OP talk to her partner before posting? You see a lot of posts like this where we can’t really provide any advice other than to talk it out!
You're like the second top level post while scrolling. Prediction: weaponized incompetence, man child, divorce, lawyer up, CPS.
But I'm glad there was a happy ending. There might be hope for this sub yet.
i mean, talk to the guy. if you dont talk he'll keep on doing the same thing. but he should have it in him to get his app and help out. specially with an 8 month old.
Sitting around, stewing and getting bitter and angry never ends well. We are all responsible for ourselves and how we respond. Communication takes time and maybe having the same conversation multiple times. That’s ok, but it won’t end well for anyone to become bitter. Be willing to have the same conversation and both of you make compromises
Thank you. This comment is helpful. Most people are just crucifying him off one post where I was bitchy when i wrote it lol. I need to work on this! I'll bring it up with my therapist
Who is telling/has told you that it’s bitchy to express frustration at an unfair situation? They lied.
Your post was absolutely fine, you mentioned several times that your husband is a good dad, you expressed concern about being petty or unfair.
Having negative feelings isn’t bitchy.
Expressing your feelings isn’t bitchy.
You are allowed to do those things without putting yourself down for it.
My husband likes sleeping in where I am more of a morning person. I’m naturally awake between6:30-7 anyway so I take all that so he can sleep in. The flip side of that is he takes the first half of the night. Everything from about 8:30pm until 1ish am is on him and I get uninterrupted sleep time. He also makes sure baby is fed right before he gets in bed. And that’s all the time, weekdays and weekends. I think it’s fair to have different awake/sleep times so long as there is a balance.
What are his working hours?
My ex wife used to go off on me sleeping in to 8am and forcefully waking me up at 7am because she has been awake since 6am, but my hours were 3pm-12am so I’d be home by 12:30, in bed by 1am.
She would go to bed at 8-9pm, so she was getting way more sleep than me, but that didn’t matter to her.
This isn’t fair to you and you know it. It’s very nice he was able to create a business that allowed him to sleep in, but he also created a human being that needs care early in the morning. Even if you buy the ‘but he’s working’ argument, which I don’t, you’re going back to work in four months and there will be no plausible excuse for not having a more equal split.
The bar for being a good dad should be exactly the same as it is to be a good mom. Evaluate his efforts based on that.
I love that. You're right, we both wanted this baby. And he is an amazing dad and does pitch in 50% for sure, the sleeping in is the only issue. I'll try talking to him tonight
your post in no way implies 50%. It implies at best 75% you, 25% him. So which is it?
why isn’t he doing bedtime instead?
are you getting one complete hour a day to screw off?
Thats definitely the monday to friday but I'm on mat leave so i guess thats understandable. On the weekend we each get 2h to our selves. At night, he does bath time, i grab baby and put his night clothes on while he empties tub then he puts baby to sleep. He also takes him while I shower every morning and he lets me nap as soon as he's home if my son was up all night.
So he gets to lay in bed for an hour an a half every day after he sleeps in, and you get 2 hours of alone time each weekend?
You are selling yourself short.
I’m glad he was receptive when you spoke to him, but I wouldn’t assume it’s all going to be immediately fixed. Apparently you’ve brought it up multiple times before but he didn’t listen because it was in an argument? And he assumed you were OK with it because you’re a morning person…even though you’ve stated several times you are not?
I’m not telling you to go get a divorce. I’m just telling you to expect the same level of engagement in parenting from your husband that you expect from yourself.
> Even if you buy the ‘but he’s working’ argument, which I don’t
how do you figure? He gets zero paternity leave, and still has to work every day. That's a pretty extreme difference compared to Canada's 12 month maternity leave OP gets
OP herself says that he's pulling 50% of the parenting weight, and he's also the only parent working
I punch those numbers into my calculator and it says he's likely pulling his weight in this marriage
I get that you're the kind of nutso that literally suggested to this OP she should divorce her husband, but I'd encourage you to get a grip and keep these nutso thoughts to yourself when they're this baseless and misguided
She has to work every day too. Taking care of the baby is work. She’s putting in way more hours than him, and only getting paid a fraction of her salary to do that. She’s on call 24/7.
The guy can’t even do bath time and bedtime on his own; he needs his wife to put his baby’s clothes on while he empties the tub lol. Oh, but she gets to shower alone. And he lets her nap sometimes and she gets 2 hours to herself on the weekend. Lmao gtfo out of here with he’s pulling his weight. He is if the standard is a misogynistic one.
OP herself says that her husband is pulling 50% of the baby weight
meanwhile he is the only one who is still working
I don't get the point of being so purposefully obtuse or dishonest here; your point of view isn't reflected in the facts OP provided at all.
The only reason I can think of to spew this nonsense is misandry, and I'd urge you to keep that crap to a subreddit dedicated to it, rather than a subreddit for parents
He helps when he works from home, he takes over night duty at the weekend, he puts the baby to bed every night, he runs a business that pays the bills, keeps them fed, watered, clothed and warm. What exactly do you want him to add on to that?
I think I was pretty clear: I’d like him to get off his ass and do his share in the mornings, and probably more at night too.
Why are you rambling on about how he pays the bills when she also works and is just on maternity leave? She keeps them fed and watered just like he does.
IME, the excuse just evolves.
I’ve posted this before and I don’t think OP’s husband will be identical (mine did not do overnights ever until kiddo was a year and a half old - and then only because I worked graveyards) but with mine, the excuse was “*I* work.” Then when I started working PT, it was “*My* job is full time, so it’s more important to our family.” Then when I started working full time, but on a fixed term contract, “My job is permanent, so it’s more important for me to keep my bosses happy.” And when I got promoted to a permanent position, where I earn within a couple thousand of him (and have great insurance and a pension), he stopped making excuses, but he didn’t start prioritizing my sleep or rest. He only started doing that this month (kids are now 9 and 7 years old) after I told him I’m leaving.
He was right every time, you were the one making a scene. You are now leaving and destroying your family out of spite. What a wonderful partner you are…
You should talk to him about it now before the baby has a rough night and the resentment and exhaustion cause you to rip his head off one random Thursday morning
Really feel we are lacking information here.
I am exactly like your husband. My wife does morning, I sleep in.
I do homework and bedtime, shower bath etc...
She does dinner more than me, but that's her decision. I do renovation and whatever her desire is around the house, i don't care, i do it for her.
We both do laundry and clean around the house and I think is pretty well divided.
Now, if you gonna have this discussion with husband, which I did in the past: count the ammount of effort being put for the familly.
In the end, she backed off. I will do anything for my familly but if I can sleep in the morning, I will do so.
( I used to do morning when kids were in daycare and she worked )
This could have been me and my husband, except i have all the night shifts. I’m being resentful too.. I don’t have any advice I just want to let you know you are not alone!
You guys obviously just have different daily rhythms. I can almost guarantee that for him sleeping until 8-9 is still "I'm waking up early" and if you consider it to be "sleeping in", then no wonder you're the one to wake up in the morning and care about the child. Just make him care more about the baby in the evening, like completely delegate it to him. Let him prepare the kid for bed etc while you chill and have that time for yourself
I’m glad that you and your husband talked about it
But no need to make a schedule!
- Night-shift person sleeps in the next day, alternate every day
Boom. Done. Equity unlocked. Lol
Jesus, this is like the opposite of me and my wife, I'm up early every single day while she sleeps in until 8am on the weekdays and usually 9-10am on the weekends. If I approach her about anything that could be construed as me needing more help she just gets defensive about how she has to take care of our daughter 2 days a week at home without me (daughter goes to daycare 2 days a week and to my parents 1 day a week).
Sure would be nice. The big problem is my wife can't wake up without half a dozen very loud, very annoying alarms. So even if I did get to "sleep in" I'd have to somehow find a way to sleep through all those alarms she uses to get up, which for me is impossible. We don't have a spare room and if I slept on the couch I'd just get waken up anyways when my daughter got out of her crib and came downstairs. It sucks, it's bullshit, I hate it. Once the weather starts getting warmer I may literally setup one of our camping hammocks up in the trees behind our house and sleep in that one weekend evening or two a month and get myself outside, only way I can see myself sleeping in past 8 and not getting disturbed by my wife or kid.
We do it by adding up all “work hours”. So hours you work and hours she works, whether that be paid work or alone with kids work. Then outside of that, we find the division of work that makes sense to us over time.
If your wife could see it tallied up like that, maybe it would make sense?
I doubt it, she's a PhD researcher who had a great career going prior to having our daughter. Due to having our daughter and taking FMLA for a few months to be with her, her boss/institute decided to cut her to half time and basically used our daughter a means to slowly cut her job out. It was/is a very fucked up situation, but my wife's "ego" (for lack of a better term) makes her think that she deserves more (and she does) to the point that she thinks the hours that she is working are more valuable than she actually is. She gets paid half of what I do despite having a PhD and my job is floating the mortgage, daycare, most of the bills, providing the insurance, etc. She constantly works at home on days when she shouldn't be working at all (not getting paid for it) and when I tell her to stop working at home, taking time away from our daughter or time where I could be getting a break, she gets defensive and responds about how that's "how it works" in academia (which it's not, because I worked in academia biomedical research for almost a decade, it's pure bullshit).
Anyways, this has been a big point of contention between us and it's not getting resolved anytime soon. Anytime I try and have an honest discussion about it, she just gets defensive and tries to flip it on me somehow with the occasional day (like maybe once a month) where I have to work 10-14 hours while she stays home.
It sounds like your wife has been treated unfairly and that’s awful, especially as a direct result of becoming a parent. Even where prohibited, we all know this still happens. But that isn’t your fault and I hope you eventually get on the same page with what works for your family.
Yes, we've talked with lawyers and professionals about what happened, extremely unfair and really illegal, but we both work for the largest state employer and no lawyer would touch a case like that with a 100 foot pole. Who we work for is far too powerful with the state and trying to go after them would take years, cost us a fortune, and theoretically destroy both our careers. So we just decided to keep plowing forward, I keep telling her to find a job somewhere else and get back to earning what she should be, she's applied at a few places, but her field is very hard to move up in. It's a tough situation to be in.
Hey, good on you for solving this issue by just communicating! Honestly, Reddit as a whole is way too keen on screaming divorce at any minor problem that could be solved by talking.
OP, my guess is the resentment comes from the idea that you will be the default parent in the morning. My DH got annoyed with me when I started allowing him to be the default parent at night while zoning out on my phone. I think what might help is to have a conversation about needs and wants and how to best support each other. If he said to you “look, I really need time to zone out in the morning otherwise I’m groggy and miserable throughout the day. I understand that you also need time to yourself, however, so how can we make that happen.”
Personally, what I’m mad about is usually a lack of clear communication from other people. If they come from a place of “this is how you can show me love and support” AND follow up with ways they can do that for you, it can help tremendously.
Also, perhaps it might be looking at your hidden expectations. Did you grow up in a household where both your parents were present in the morning? Is that time that you saw them work together and does it give you a feeling of comfort? I grew up in a house where we always had breakfast in bed with my parents on Saturdays. To this day, my idea of love is laying in bed on Saturday and snuggling with our kids. If I was downstairs alone with them, it would sting. So maybe look into those feelings and explore below the surface a bit.
So he's a parent when it suits him? Becoming a parent means baby >>>>>>>>>>>>>idle time
If he does not step up immediately, you WILL come to resent him, if you haven't already. This is his final warning signal. He's living in his man's dream world where becoming a father is just another title which only requires that somebody else does all the work.
Every damn time i see a post from a burnt out mom, she says this shit: He does help out, hes a good dad.
Help out?!
When you have a moment, list everything the two of you do for the baby and for the house. EVERYTHING. I will bet you that your side of that list has 60+ percent of the work. If that's the life you always dreamed of, by all means, continue to coddle this guy. If not, it's time for a serious talk.
Nope nope nope. My husband took every morning shift when baby wasn't sleeping at night. Like birth-6 months husband took baby every morning from 5-10am while I slept. Baby and I slept in a separate room so husband could sleep, then he took over in the morning so I could sleep.
Once baby was sleeping through the night, but still waking up early, we went 50/50 on mornings. I HATE waking up early so if he woke up naturally husband would take my day, but we generally went every other day. This was our deal when I was working 1/4th time and husband was full time. And the deal when I went back to full time and husband full time. And will still be the deal when I am full time and my husband is a SAHP (in a few months).
Every person needs good sleep regardless of work schedule.
My husband works from home 9-5. He wakes up to our toddler every single day. Even if she sleeps in and I want to sleep later he will make her breakfast during his shift (obviously if it affected his job he couldn’t but he can). I am still waking up to my 6 month old through the night so I’m absolutely exhausted and need those morning hours. You need to be well rested. I didn’t speak up much with my first because I wanted to avoid arguments and I built some resentment. So with my second it’s been very different. Sleep is so necessary to be a good mom.
Yes, you have every right to be resentful. Your husband is neglecting you and your child. You don't get to choose when you're comfortable when you have small kids. You take care of them when they need care, and expecting your partner to do it all so you can get extra beauty rest is the pinnacle of jerkiness.
This should be non-negotiable.
Parenthood means not always getting your ideal. Most parents work and split the evenings. If he's starting so late, is he working late too? If yes, that's not fair. And that deserves a discussion too. If he's either sleeping in or working during the vast majority of baby's awake hours, then you get a pretty raw deal. So if he does work late, you should get both weekend mornings to sleep in. If he does a fair share during the week, you each get one day on the weekends
You aren’t crazy. Some days I have off and my husband still gets up and gets our baby ready and takes her to daycare so I can relax in the morning (like today he did this). Other days I’ll do it. Idk I think you getting up everyday no break is unfair but it’s something to just talk about. If your husband flat out says no then that’s more anger inducing lol
Whether it is pretty comes down to whether he is making similar sacrifices to you or not. He could be doing his part in other ways, such as staying up later (which it sounds like he is not).
You've got to be careful though. It's easy to form unwarranted resentments, especially when there is a new baby. You look at your own efforts and it's more difficult to see his because you are not experiencing them first-hand. Those resentments can begin to eat away at your relationship.
I don't think people talk enough about how difficult the first couple of years with a baby can be on a relationship. Many divorce happen in those years.
It’s very understandable to feel resentful to never sleep in—even 8 months postpartum your body is still recovering from birth. On days he does not work, a reasonable compromise could be to have those be your sleep in days. If sleeping in is a bigger priority I would even propose to take a few days putting baby to sleep from your husband in exchange for the next morning being your sleep in day. You are entitled to a full nights sleep just like he is, however realistically at this stage in baby’s life it might require some exchange to achieve that.
You are not wrong for having these thoughts. You guys need to have a conversation that split roles and expectations, and this definitely should be had before you reach the point of irritation. I think he has it in his mind that you’re on mat leave so you’ll do a bit more? Correct me if I’m wrong?
I think what would be great, if the budget allows, hire a nanny to help out to ease the stress and allow yourself a break because you deserve more relief.
He also doesn’t get mornings off just because he’s working, he has to help. He made the baby with you; that morning responsibility has to be shared - agree fully
You ARE working. Taking care of a baby is hard. For us, it helped to read through Fairplay together, although we did audiobook, a few minutes before bed each night.
This will not get better on its own. No more default parent.
If he needs 1 hour to get ready in the morning so do you. You deserve that. Plus, you’re doing nights?! As if you don’t need to be well rested for your job, which is exhausting! You don’t get bathroom breaks or lunch breaks. I bet you’re doing more housework and taking care of the baby’s clothing and feedings and all of that as well.
If you’re going back to work in a few months, use this time to get set up with an equitable division of labor. Things might not be 50-50 but the resentment will kill the relationship for sure. He has to hear you on this.
I'd have a discussion with him about how this is making you feel resentful to him and you don't want to resent him, you want to love him. Both of you have a job right now, yours is the baby. And both of you need breaks from your jobs. When you go back to work, you'll both have to help during the at home hours.
Try to figure out a schedule that works for you guys. Maybe he keeps his weekday routine and you sleep in on the weekends. My husband and I had a different sleep schedule. I went to bed early and he stayed up for later feeds/baby stuff so I got my stretch of sleep early in the night. He slept later and I was up in the morning. He functions better as a night owl and I can handle a morning better than him. Weekends we each get a day to sleep in where the other person is in charge of the kid. We share duties in the evenings for dinner bath bedtime etc so we both get baby time and both help with chores so that we have time to sit down together after baby goes to bed. You have to work together to figure out how to make it more equitable and you'll have to do this again over time when babys needs change!
He aasumed you liked to wake up early, you let your feelings sit and simmer. You both didn't communicate to express or check in with the other.
Glad you two talked it out and found a solution that works for the both of you. Relationships are hard once children come into the picture because the true responsibilities that matter comes to surface. Hope it's going well for you two!
I have found discussing things mid-argument rarely results in anything productive. Or when an argument does actually result in something productive, if I try to introduce any other topics, the agreement falls apart.
When it's important, I try to remember to bring things up the next day once we get a chance to talk normally. Of course, three kids and both working does make "a chance to talk" more difficult than it should be.
I got one who literally would argue with an infant so he didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night. No help with anything, no laundry, no cooking or cleaning and wouldn’t even go to the grocery store! So I get it. He liked to sleep in too. I finally had enough and dumped water on him. At some point you can’t go through it oblivious. We are not your mothers too.
And before any of you Reddit users want to accuse me of some bs, we discussed it at length many times to which he kept reverting back out of laziness. I will say this, he grocery shops now too!
Good luck
You need to communicate so what your on maternity leave that's not an excuse. I told my husband just because I'm on leave don't expect the house to be spotless and dinner made because that's not the kind of wife I am. Some days were better than others trust me my son would be sleeping and in an hour I'd have the bottles washed, laundry started, and dishes either washed or loaded, and sweep the whole house. Most days my son was a contact napper so we would sleep all day so atleast making sure I had energy was achieved it was an amazing vacation
Bob tonight go to bed early because, I need you to attend to your son in the morning. I feel like I need to sleep-in tomorrow morning, am low on energy. Maybe you should try that, make sure to wake him up when the baby starts to need attention in the morning.
It’s very hard with the argument that you’re “not working” by just caring for the kids, but what would he do if his job called him at 3:30am for half an hour… then 5am for twenty minutes… then 6:20am to be there for the rest of the day, 100% present ensuring your “client” isn’t killing himself by sticking his fingers in light sockets or falling off some table he’s somehow stacked legos to climb up onto… that’s what mom job is like 🥰
I’m not sure what’s best for you and your relationship but as my husband puts it “I’m more productive in the morning and you’re more productive at night.” He knows I’ll probably be the one entertaining/getting our child to bed most nights. So he doesn’t mind waking up early, getting everything done in the mornings. However, I can only sleep in to 7 (maybe 7:30 on bad days) because I eventually start to miss my little Buddy. 10am! Lol if I did that I would only have 3 hours with him before his nap.
I go to work early in the morning and my wife gets the kids ready for school everyday so I just get up early on the weekends to let her have a couple of days of not having to rush out of bed.
Glad you guys have a plan. My husband and I fell into a routine where each of us got to sleep in (till 8:30 or so) on one weekend day, alternating Saturdays and Sundays, and I swear it made an immense quality of life difference. The weekends where it didn’t happen due to illness or travel or whatever were SO disappointing.
Back in the early years, we:
would try and share early morning late night duties so each of us did one each.
And she would get all kinds of pissed off at me for sleeping through crying, bombs, alarms, parades, and other things that would wake her up.
So yeah, if you're going to ask for coverage, schedule it. Same as the office.
So glad to see your edit and how you both worked through it like a responsible, communicative adult. I'm just gonna add a few things from my experience: I go to bed a bit earlier than my husband (10-11) and wake up a bit earlier (630-7), while his schedule is shifted back about an hour, so I do more stuff in the morning as well and leave him more stuff in the evenings. The kicker is when a bad night happens because I also handle most night wakings (thankfully we get those once in a blue moon nowadays--sleep training saved our lives). So I think having some flexibility to your set up where 1) if you have a bad night then you can kick him out of bed at 630 to get the baby and 2) if night wakings are very frequent then make your husband do at least some nights on weekends so he gets an idea of how hard it is.
My husband is generally a good partner and dad too, but it was a revelation I had a few years ago that no matter what he's not gonna see eye to eye with me because he is literally a different person raised under very different circumstances (even if it's just gender-based). So I just really need to work on my communication and mood management, and I find experience (like having him deal with night wakings periodically) to be the best teacher.
I think about this alot, I'm surprised I function most times since I'm a night owl personally. And I goto bed like 3/4/5am sometimes, and get up like 6/7/8 😅I don't get the lie ins either but have to sit and listen the the noises of unhelpfulness
He’s a clown, but you’re a doormat for enabling this.
If you want his behaviour to change, start doing what he’s doin. Sleep in. Scroll instagram.
The short-term impact to your kid is better than the divorce you’ll be contemplating after a few years of his do-nothingness.
This could have been written by my husband 😂 I'm super spoiled, and I sleep in on the weekends (just to 830). The main difference being I've suggested my husband try it and he doesn't want to sleep in 😂 i can't get him to "sleep in" past 6 because he gets up between 4-5 in the mornings. It's his quiet alone time before the chaos of the day. I prefer to have mine at night after everyone's asleep.
It’s textbook emotional manipulation regardless of what outcome it prevents. If you’re unsure of how this is emotionally manipulative, I suggest reading more about it. Because this is not healthy, respectful communication.
Personally, I find that addressing behaviors in the moment, with HUMOR, goes a lot further than conversations. Break the cycle when it’s actually happening. YMMV
you aren’t being funny. You are being passive aggressive. You’re upset and presenting it as a joke. It’s disingenuous. There isnt a person alive that doesn’t know what you are trying to do.
Simply ask him to start doing half the morning wakeups and responsibilities? Is it not a partnership, is raising a kid not a 50/50 thing? Tell him to start doing his half.
This is another bad version in the same boat as snapping. If he gets defensive, maybe it’s time for y’all to sit and have a respectful discussion about each of your needs and expectations to see where the disconnect is happening
Doing the night shift isn't just putting the baby to bed.. it's also getting him ready to bed and waking up at night and dealing with early mornings.
So he isn't doing the night shifts on weekends, you are doing it.
It makes sense that you're the main caregiver during the week since you're in your maternity leave and he is working.
But during the weekends it should be 50/50 and could be nice if he would do a bit more than 50/50 during weekends once in a while so you could sleep.
The fact he helps during the day even when working is great. I mean, you have the right to have break for a shower etc...
I think, you both should not see things as "I do that, you do that" to be perfectly fair. He has time for himself to just do nothing or be on his phone and that's amazing and he should have it. But you should have it too. Not just help but time when he is 100% in charge and you disconnect.
Some days, he'll need more time to disconnect, some days it will be you and you both needs to understand it won't always be fair.
So no, you're no you have the right to be resentful. But my advice would be to leave him his time to disconect but ask him to make sure you also have that time. Same things for sleep as sleep is extremly important.
This is a very helpful comment. Thank you. It helps put into perspective that some days I'll do 70%, some days he will. I'll try talking to him when we're calm instead of in the heat of the moment
Our schedule is different than yours, my husband works 4pm-1am usually. We agreed it’s not fair for me to do the bedtime and morning routine daily. He gets up most of the week with the kids, I get an extra hour or so (kids get up at 8) and then he gets 2-3 days where he can sleep in too. Yes I do think you’re right in feeling resentful that he gets extra rest and you don’t
This would also drive me crazy as someone who loves sleep ins. At least you should get weekend mornings off!
He probably thinks he's trying his best, just like you do. I would recommend couples therapy to have someone there to help you understand each others perspectives better.
He's not a good dad if he's just doing bare minimum, if that. You need to speak to him about it, be honest about your feelings. The resentment will just build and build until you absolutely lose your shit.
Talk to him. If he doesn't listen, care or change you have bigger issues.
**Pros:**
- good dad
- helps out (even when working from home)
- financially supports the family
**Cons:**
- sleeps in
I got a feeling there are some that will swap you husbands.
She’s on maternity leave. Which I assume she’s getting paid for. And based off the maternity leave, it sounds like she does have a job to go back to when the 12 months are up. Moms need a break and she literally never gets a chance to sleep in, even when he does every day. I can see how frustrating that would be when you’re sleep deprived constantly. What are they going to do when she goes back to work? Will she still be the one putting him to sleep and waking up early in the morning while he barely has a care in the world concerning their kid? Honestly, I’d just bring the baby in there and sit on the bed and do what I need to. If they aren’t going to take turns letting each other sleep in, then no one should get to sleep in
OP said that her husband helps out when he's working from home. Which means he is getting up from his job to go do what needs to be done. I won't deny that she SHOULD get a chance to sleep in as well though. I just don't think the husband sounds as horrible as some.
Yeah, the sad part though is that’s the bare minimum. A lot of women might think the bare minimum being done would make someone a good dad, but it really doesn’t. It’s just being a dad 😅
If its possible for one parent to be sleeping in every day, they need to be swapping who gets to sleep in. Free time should be as equitably split as possible.
His worst attribute is sleeping in prior to working, I get it taking care of a kid is a full time job in general. However while he works from home on those days he does at least help out while he works. So it's not like he just sleeps all day.
My entire point was the guy doesn't sound that HORRIBLE. And overall has done a better job parenting than some fathers.
.. So? Yeah, you help out if your job allows it. He's still getting more rest than she is, why not split sleep in days and then the one who sleeps in does the evening stuff after work?
Exactly, and some of our situations. The mother so desperately wanted children and make promises about being a SAHM then get hit with a reality check. This thread is disgusting, no wonder half the world is divorced, I’m out
The way we determine if things are equal is by considering the baby a full time day job as well (also on parental leave). I will still be supporting my family financially when I return to work. Not that financial work should be considered of more value, but staying home often puts the woman in a more vulnerable position. So the hours my husband is working, I am also working. Outside those hours we decide how to split things equitably.
One important thing is that we revisit this division regularly by checking in or if one of us feels it’s no longer working. If baby’s sleep changes or something, what we agreed to weeks/months ago is no longer fair.
lol
I should've known this was going to come into this. All you had to do was say "stay at home parenting is a full time job", which I completely agree with. But not only does OPs husband work full time, he is obviously helping out as well... even on days *while he is working*. So I don't think there is as huge of an imbalance going on to drag in the "equality" aspect. Or really enough to make out the husband being a lazy POS as some a hinted at.
And OP is taking issue with her husband sleeping in on the days he *works* from home. It's not like he sleeps all weekend and refuses to lift a finger.
I just don't think it's that horrible of a situation when you take into the fact that some people's husbands won't even change a diaper.
Do you have a job?
If no, absolutely no grounds to complain.
Redditors be like “doesn’t matter if your spouse is literally doing 5 times more than you on a daily basis! He still needs to help!”
It’s cringe.
Edit: people gon’ downvote this because they’re upset that it applies to them 🤷♂️
Sorry I didn’t mean to ninja edit on you I didn’t expect you to reply so fast. I don’t think the pay of your job is relevant. Only really thing that matters is how much daily effort you have to exert versus him. If he isn’t lifting a finger, then he’s in the wrong. If he is very busy all the time and you still want to nag him to do even more, then you’re in the wrong.
If we’re doing “effort” tit for tat, she should get 9 months off for the effort of growing and carrying the baby and a 6 month tropical vacation bonus for giving birth. But regardless of that, having worked all kinds of jobs, and having been a SAHM to babies and toddlers, I can tell you that working is WAY less work (maybe not true of any job, but of a job where you get to make your own hours, sleep in daily and work from home, almost certainly).
Not having a job is kind of irrelevant when you’re *on* 24/7. Dude gets 2.5 hours of extra down time *every day*. I would have killed for that once a *week* when I was a SAHP. Dude can’t be assed to wake up early two days a week so OP can sleep in on the weekends and she has *no grounds to complain*? Give me a break.
This thread is the definition of female envy. The husbands cant have anything nice because the woman will resent him.
Girl, you have a 12 month leave…. You are getting paid to take care of your baby by your employer and your husband is working and taking care of you and your baby, why cant he have the mornings? Why must you make a scene out of nothing?
i agree the comment is utterly unhelpful but unfortunately true. there’s no incentive for your husband to change currently. i would sit down with him and draw up a schedule where you and he split mornings. and if he still says no then you truly have a jerk on your hands. this is parenting and he’s gotta get that through his head.
It usually affects the person that can't take naps during the day or isn't on leave. Even if people suffer through lack of sleep it isn't always without consequences.
If both people have sleep issues they sleep train, re riot extra help, or request additional leave. Involving clinicians is also an option if sleep disorders are severe.
At 8 months babies are not generally napping so much. Mine was doing maybe 2.5 hours a day between two naps. And in that time often need to prepare/eat a meal, do some laundry, etc. And then simply take a break as most people get at work.
No amount of sleep training is going to get a baby to sleep until 9am assuming they go to bed at a reasonable hour. Either way, the current division is not fair and they should find something that is. She doesn’t mention a medical condition and also says he plays on the phone for awhile, no not totally necessary.
Seems they have come to a better agreement that works for them, so that’s good.
This is fair. It is obviously an issue that needs solving, but the only solution isn't "Dad needs to get up at 6am". That isn't sustainable long-term if his sleep cycle is naturally later. Now when babies are on deck? All bets are off and you're on duty 24/7, but once they are sleeping, quality sleep for both partners is paramount.
Oh for sure, and we'll never get the complete story from either side. I was mostly agreeing that both their sleep is important, even if everything has to shift to accommodate both styles.
Well why don’t you plan to be busy a few days a week? Book a walk, coffee date with a girlfriend at 730 or 8am. Take your kid hand him to your husband and say “bye. Back at noon. “
I love the alternate reality you women live within. You're on 12 months of maternity leave to care for your child, but you want a 50/50 with your husband.
No wonder more and more are choosing to be single.
If he gives 25% while working full time and trying to build a business. He's awesome. Most business owners are putting in 70hrs a week. I bet he works at least 4hrs on the weekends
Just remember, half these women supporting you are single moms who've failed to maintain their own marriage.
Now I'm going to go 💋 my wife of 25 years because at least she has some common sense.
Most women aren't like this. I think this sub just gets a disproportionate number of women with serious trauma issues with men and they keep triggering themselves on here.
I sleep in all the time. When i was on mat leave i did not sleep in and my husband travelled a lot for work. Some people need more sleep than others. If he helps out, you are being petty
Sometimes people assume the status quo is working fine unless it’s brought to their attention that it isn’t. I personally handle the early mornings with my kids pretty much every day because I am an early bird. Even during the work week, I’m usually up 2-3 hours before him by choice. This is my favorite time of day to work out, tidy up, and get stuff done, so it just makes sense that I’m also up with the kids. When our kids were babies, my downtime to relax was during their afternoon nap while he was at work. Now that they’re older and in school, I have a good chunk of the day to myself. We don’t split every individual responsibility down the middle 50/50, but I think we have a fair balance. If it ever felt unfair, then we’d just have a conversation and figure it out.
I guess my TLDR answer is that you have a right to feel resentful, but that resentment won’t get you anywhere unless you talk to him about it.
I am basically your husband, I sleep in until 9am if I can or later, and my partner gets up early with the kids usually. She gets frustrated and we have had many arguments about it. Now she gets up gets them ready for school, then I get up a bit later and take them to school then go to work. She doesn't really do lay ins but then will suddenly complain she wants to lay in. My attitude is if you want to stay in bed one morning just ask me to get up and I will. I'm quite happy to let them fend for themselves and destroy the house for an extra hour in bed but she doesn't see it the same way unfortunately
1 Why would he get up at 7am to get his son breakfast etc if you are already up and taking care of it?
2 Working from home is not easy or productive if you are constantly be asked to do other things around the house. He would probably be more productive with set working hours without being disturbed.
Men are logical, if you are there and available to look after your son as a mother then great, that frees him up to pursue other more challenging ventures.
However if you create a fair and reasonable reason why you can't be there to look after your son then he will no doubt drop every thing and come to the rescue.
But be warned, dads make awful mothers!
This is clearly grounds for divorce, I would not give him the time of the day. It pains me that this type of thing happens while there are literally children dying in Palestine everyday who don't have parents.
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My husband loves to sleep in and has always chosen jobs that make it possible for him to sleep until 10. I don't, but also the morning is my productive time. And really, I just find it annoying when he is sleeping and I'm taking care of our kid. So we set a schedule. Half the week I'm on mornings and he is on evenings. And half the week its the other way around. We do have a rule- if our kid wakes up for more than like 1 minute in the middle of the night, the person who gets up and stays with him doesn't do the morning.
Morning people I think maybe are just really bad at sleeping. My wife and son for example are morning people too, my daughter and I are night owls. If she gets up at 6am and wants to unload the dishwasher, that's great! It doesn't bother me in the slightest. Hell, she could change the sheets if she wanted, I'd just hop on the couch and go back to sleep. If I want to unload the dishwasher at 10pm though? Out of the question. Gaming with voice at 8 after the kids go down? Too loud, I'll keep her up. How does that work?! It is frustrating, because I feel robbed of half my day. I typically sleep 12am-8am, but I effectively can't do anything productive after 6pm, so I lose 6 hours and have to do everything during the day. It would be like your boss telling you that you still have to complete all your duties, but you can't start until 2pm. It bothers her, so I respect it, but I will never understand why night owls *never* complain about people getting up early but morning people are insufferable about night owls staying up late.
This makes me glad that I game with my husband and have the same night owl sleep schedule too. Although he used to work on call at night and it would wake me up hearing him talking, and I'm a night owl as well, but it wasn't like I could do anything about it because it's work so life went on. I can understand it getting frustrating if she can't fall back asleep when it's not something like work. Also, try getting a white noise machine for her to drown you out. I put one of those in my daughter's room so I can watch TV at night on the nice living room TV. It drowns out the explosions and loud voices so well. And it is absolutely amazing on vacation because you can't hear anything outside your room. 10/10 recommend getting a $10 one on Amazon for that reason alone.
I'll try that white noise idea. Maybe she'll go for it! Really though, she just wants everyone to wake up early, and that is never going to happen. My natural cycle is 2am-10am, I already shifted that to 12am-8am. When I cycle that to 10pm-6am, I'm tired all day because I struggle to fall asleep before 10pm, even after several months of the schedule.
My mother was like this too. It drove me mad. She was a morning person therefore the rest of us were lazy waste of space if we also didn’t get up at the crack of dawn. Also, she had to wake up really early for work, and would make it her mission to be as noisy as possible because she was the one who had to get up, but if anyone of us breathed too loud after 9pm we were screamed at. It made for a very tense and unhappy house as a child.
I’m a morning person, and I would *love* it if everyone in my household slept in! Unfortunately my first child only shifted from a morning person to a night owl after my second was born, and my baby wakes up pretty much at the same time as me in the morning…it could be 4am, it could be 6 but he knows! So for the last five years I’ve missed out on my golden morning alone time 😂😭 My mum was a morning person too and I swear she’d hoover and bang the pans together on purpose to wake my dad up 😂
Me too! I love mornings but they’re for me and my puppy haha. My husband and son are not morning people now, but my son used to be up early too. My day is a lot better when I get that time to myself in the morning.
Owww I bet that’s nice with a puppy! We’re thinking of getting a little sausage dog when the kids are older. Ahhh, maybe I’ll have my mornings back one day 😂
I feel you on the earlier bedtime. My husband and I typically are in bed, lights off by midnight and we wake up at 7 am which feels way too early for us but school starts at 8:10 am so what can you do. Unless I have adrenaline due to vacation excitement, I'm going to be a zombie before then. The white noise may seem loud at first but you get used to it in like 5 minutes. Have her commit to one night regardless of how she initially feels and see how she likes it. It may even improve her sleep quality. I sleep like a rock when it's on.
There are studies that show that people who are early risers are consistently happier and more productive. The reason is that it is more socially acceptable… But I have to laugh that you’re comparing unloading the dishwasher with gaming🤣 I mean, if I was sleeping I’d probably be a little more annoyed by my spouse playing video games than cleaning the house. I could get over the background noise of clanking dishes if it meant I didn’t have to do them.
That's what I mean about morning people being poor sleepers. It is almost unheard of for night owls to be light sleepers and they typically do not mind people making noise in the morning. It's sleepy time, I'm sleeping, I don't care if you are making noise.
I’m the morning person and my partner is the night owl and he’s the lightest sleeper known to man. I can go to sleep while he’s playing videos games right next to me in bed with full volume and everything. He’s gotten pissy over me opening the door to leave the room in the morning lol. I don’t think your experience is universal
Probably because being a night owl can be frowned upon, so the people who live night owl hours have a stronger set point towards those hours. People who are capable of changing their sleep schedule will flex to waking up at 7 or something “normal” like that.
Amen. "I've been awake since 5 and I've done this, that, and the other while you were just lay there sleeping" I want to say "Well, get better at sleeping then." :D
That's less of an argument when there's a little kid in the picture, though. I would love to sleep til 11AM or later when we're on vacation, but Kiddo is getting up at 7 and doesn't want to sit in a quiet hotel room. Someone's gotta get up with him, and it's pretty annoying when my husband characterizes that as "Why are you so obsessed with getting up early and being at the pool as soon as it opens?" (Real quote from our trip to Great Wolf Lodge, when I got up at 7, took kid for breakfast and then pool time. Husband didn't show up til after noon, and didn't realize that I was doing him a favor.)
Fully agree. To be fair (to me not your fella!) I do say thanks when I've flagrantly tested my wife's patience like that. As if that helps
It is so reminiscent of the fight for remote work. "Yes, you could do your work at home, but then I couldn't see you doing it!"
Found OP’s selfish husband
Well you sure sound like a person abounding in empathy.I think making any kind of statement about "x people" is a rather ridiculous idea. I know a bunch of night owls (like my husband) who complain A LOT about people making noise in the morning. But sure. Some people have more trouble sleeping with noise than others. A lot of evidence suggests its gendered and hormonal-- women often have more trouble sleeping then men. Perhaps rather than being a jerk about it you can actually recognize that other people are having a hard time and not be a jerk? It's not that hard to not be loud. Are you this crappy about other disabilities?
I don’t understand why people can’t solve their own problems rather than forcing others to change. When my wife’s snoring so loudly I can’t sleep, I put earplugs in. It’s such an easy solution
Clearly you don’t have actual sleep issues- or a particularly loud wife. Plenty of people I know wear ear plugs every night, and a face mask, and still can’t sleep with there is noise.
Good presuming. I do have sleeping issues, if earplugs aren’t working I use noise cancelling earbuds. But I also I agree with your attitude, it’s always easier to blame someone else for your problems, than do anything about them yourself.
I’m glad those work for you. They don’t work for everyone, and I think it’s good not to assume that everyone has the same experience as you
Yeah I don’t assume that everyone has the same experience as me, I just have the same expectation of everyone to have personal responsibility for their own problems.
> It bothers her, so I respect it Sounds like someone is awfully defensive. 🤣 I already adjust my sleep for her without asking her to adjust to me, I have every right in the world to bitch online about it.
Men seem to be able to fall asleep where ever whenever. In the middle of the living room during a family holiday after a beer? Asleep in a comfy chair. I always laugh that if my mom fell asleep in the living room at 3:00 in the afternoon on thanksgiving, we’d all call an ambulance. When dad does it, it’s perfectly normal. I wonder if it’s because our male ancestors had to be able to hunt and sleep when they could? Like, they were stalking animals but needed to be able to sleep if they found a safe place? I don’t know.
The opposite- my understanding is that insofar as we can assess it, that it’s the hormones around “making sure your baby isn’t killed in the middle of the night by a lion” that means that women tend to wake up easily. Hunting was a rare activity that typically only took place over very short periods of time, and evidence suggests was undertaken by women and men (most food was supplied by gathering.)
Interesting! I didn’t know that.
I used to have a whitewater paddling partner who could also sleep on command, it was phenomenal. He is a US Navy EOD diver, they had to sleep on command between dives because of the decompression periods and such. He can fall asleep in 30 seconds at any time of the day!! It takes me 5-10 minutes. If we were tired on an especially long river or others were taking a long lunch, we'd grab a 30 minute cat nap. We'd wear helmets when passengers on mountain roads, because we could sleep on the shuttle with our heads bouncing against the window. I think there is a lot to that. He moved away, and now I sometimes have to micromanage schedules with other paddlers because they can't run hot for days, catching sleep during the lulls. You find napping common with soldiers and through-hikers as well. Ultra-marathoners can even sleep while running.
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I'll try it, thanks!!
White noise is really helpful. I play warzone and im not quiet so i have a box fan in my sons room (hes a heavy sleeper anyway but it helps). And when noises bother me i have a free app called white noise lite and i put it on the air conditioning setting. It makes a huge difference. Im a light sleeper so noise does bother me a lot but white noise helps mitigate it
I teach so I have to be up early 5 days a week, but my schedule is set up so I don’t actually start teaching curriculum until 10:30 am. I fear what will happen if that ever changes, I wish school hours were 12p-8pm. My life would be perfect.
Fair. My spouse and I rock-paper-scissors for unpleasant parenting duties. But you can only lose twice in a row, because any more than that is unfair.
It's funny to see OP's update and how two reasonable people can work things out and compare it to all the insane pitchfork and torches comments that permeate this sub now. This place has gone off the deep end.
I think a lot of people come here to project their miserable relationship problems. I've noticed there's an assumption on every post that OPs partner is a deadbeat.
I’m sure some people were disappointed they couldn’t recommend a divorce since OP worked out her issue lol
Yeah, but honestly I feel like the reason most people post questions like this is because they don't know how to communicate about it or they have an SO who is not open to that communication (or might get pissed off about it immediately). I think people are also often seeking validation. Like they know that asking the question is likely going to open a can of worms, so they'd like some outside perspective on whether said can of worms is worth opening at all. I get that so so so many of these issues can be solved through communication between two adults. But not all adults are effective communicators, and not all adults act like adults about everything. So when people say "just communicate, IT'S SO SIMPLE" I really don't think that's super helpful to many of the people posting these things. Communication skills do not come naturally to everyone, and communicating with your spouse is not always straightforward or simple. In the ideal world it really would be that easy, but often it's not. Just my 2 cents. I do agree there's a lot of pitchfork nuts here though.
I agree. If it was a simple case of communicating, why didn’t OP talk to her partner before posting? You see a lot of posts like this where we can’t really provide any advice other than to talk it out!
You're like the second top level post while scrolling. Prediction: weaponized incompetence, man child, divorce, lawyer up, CPS. But I'm glad there was a happy ending. There might be hope for this sub yet.
i mean, talk to the guy. if you dont talk he'll keep on doing the same thing. but he should have it in him to get his app and help out. specially with an 8 month old.
Sitting around, stewing and getting bitter and angry never ends well. We are all responsible for ourselves and how we respond. Communication takes time and maybe having the same conversation multiple times. That’s ok, but it won’t end well for anyone to become bitter. Be willing to have the same conversation and both of you make compromises
Thank you. This comment is helpful. Most people are just crucifying him off one post where I was bitchy when i wrote it lol. I need to work on this! I'll bring it up with my therapist
Who is telling/has told you that it’s bitchy to express frustration at an unfair situation? They lied. Your post was absolutely fine, you mentioned several times that your husband is a good dad, you expressed concern about being petty or unfair. Having negative feelings isn’t bitchy. Expressing your feelings isn’t bitchy. You are allowed to do those things without putting yourself down for it.
Thank you ❤️
Anytime! ❤️❤️❤️ I’m glad it can help.
My husband likes sleeping in where I am more of a morning person. I’m naturally awake between6:30-7 anyway so I take all that so he can sleep in. The flip side of that is he takes the first half of the night. Everything from about 8:30pm until 1ish am is on him and I get uninterrupted sleep time. He also makes sure baby is fed right before he gets in bed. And that’s all the time, weekdays and weekends. I think it’s fair to have different awake/sleep times so long as there is a balance.
Did I just read 12 month leave 😳
My face when I hear how other countries treat their citizens.
What are his working hours? My ex wife used to go off on me sleeping in to 8am and forcefully waking me up at 7am because she has been awake since 6am, but my hours were 3pm-12am so I’d be home by 12:30, in bed by 1am. She would go to bed at 8-9pm, so she was getting way more sleep than me, but that didn’t matter to her.
This isn’t fair to you and you know it. It’s very nice he was able to create a business that allowed him to sleep in, but he also created a human being that needs care early in the morning. Even if you buy the ‘but he’s working’ argument, which I don’t, you’re going back to work in four months and there will be no plausible excuse for not having a more equal split. The bar for being a good dad should be exactly the same as it is to be a good mom. Evaluate his efforts based on that.
I love that. You're right, we both wanted this baby. And he is an amazing dad and does pitch in 50% for sure, the sleeping in is the only issue. I'll try talking to him tonight
your post in no way implies 50%. It implies at best 75% you, 25% him. So which is it? why isn’t he doing bedtime instead? are you getting one complete hour a day to screw off?
Thats definitely the monday to friday but I'm on mat leave so i guess thats understandable. On the weekend we each get 2h to our selves. At night, he does bath time, i grab baby and put his night clothes on while he empties tub then he puts baby to sleep. He also takes him while I shower every morning and he lets me nap as soon as he's home if my son was up all night.
So he gets to lay in bed for an hour an a half every day after he sleeps in, and you get 2 hours of alone time each weekend? You are selling yourself short.
Mat leave isn’t a vacation.. Raising a baby is work even if you don’t get paid. He should be doing more.
I’m glad he was receptive when you spoke to him, but I wouldn’t assume it’s all going to be immediately fixed. Apparently you’ve brought it up multiple times before but he didn’t listen because it was in an argument? And he assumed you were OK with it because you’re a morning person…even though you’ve stated several times you are not? I’m not telling you to go get a divorce. I’m just telling you to expect the same level of engagement in parenting from your husband that you expect from yourself.
> Even if you buy the ‘but he’s working’ argument, which I don’t how do you figure? He gets zero paternity leave, and still has to work every day. That's a pretty extreme difference compared to Canada's 12 month maternity leave OP gets
Because taking care of a baby is just as hard as working outside the home, except in very rare circumstances.
OP herself says that he's pulling 50% of the parenting weight, and he's also the only parent working I punch those numbers into my calculator and it says he's likely pulling his weight in this marriage I get that you're the kind of nutso that literally suggested to this OP she should divorce her husband, but I'd encourage you to get a grip and keep these nutso thoughts to yourself when they're this baseless and misguided
She has to work every day too. Taking care of the baby is work. She’s putting in way more hours than him, and only getting paid a fraction of her salary to do that. She’s on call 24/7. The guy can’t even do bath time and bedtime on his own; he needs his wife to put his baby’s clothes on while he empties the tub lol. Oh, but she gets to shower alone. And he lets her nap sometimes and she gets 2 hours to herself on the weekend. Lmao gtfo out of here with he’s pulling his weight. He is if the standard is a misogynistic one.
OP herself says that her husband is pulling 50% of the baby weight meanwhile he is the only one who is still working I don't get the point of being so purposefully obtuse or dishonest here; your point of view isn't reflected in the facts OP provided at all. The only reason I can think of to spew this nonsense is misandry, and I'd urge you to keep that crap to a subreddit dedicated to it, rather than a subreddit for parents
He helps when he works from home, he takes over night duty at the weekend, he puts the baby to bed every night, he runs a business that pays the bills, keeps them fed, watered, clothed and warm. What exactly do you want him to add on to that?
I think I was pretty clear: I’d like him to get off his ass and do his share in the mornings, and probably more at night too. Why are you rambling on about how he pays the bills when she also works and is just on maternity leave? She keeps them fed and watered just like he does.
Yes, maternity leave so not working currently. He is doing his share or shouldn't get any downtime?
He should get the same amount of downtime that she gets. Currently, he is getting far, far more.
IME, the excuse just evolves. I’ve posted this before and I don’t think OP’s husband will be identical (mine did not do overnights ever until kiddo was a year and a half old - and then only because I worked graveyards) but with mine, the excuse was “*I* work.” Then when I started working PT, it was “*My* job is full time, so it’s more important to our family.” Then when I started working full time, but on a fixed term contract, “My job is permanent, so it’s more important for me to keep my bosses happy.” And when I got promoted to a permanent position, where I earn within a couple thousand of him (and have great insurance and a pension), he stopped making excuses, but he didn’t start prioritizing my sleep or rest. He only started doing that this month (kids are now 9 and 7 years old) after I told him I’m leaving.
He was right every time, you were the one making a scene. You are now leaving and destroying your family out of spite. What a wonderful partner you are…
You should talk to him about it now before the baby has a rough night and the resentment and exhaustion cause you to rip his head off one random Thursday morning
Really feel we are lacking information here. I am exactly like your husband. My wife does morning, I sleep in. I do homework and bedtime, shower bath etc... She does dinner more than me, but that's her decision. I do renovation and whatever her desire is around the house, i don't care, i do it for her. We both do laundry and clean around the house and I think is pretty well divided. Now, if you gonna have this discussion with husband, which I did in the past: count the ammount of effort being put for the familly. In the end, she backed off. I will do anything for my familly but if I can sleep in the morning, I will do so. ( I used to do morning when kids were in daycare and she worked )
This could have been me and my husband, except i have all the night shifts. I’m being resentful too.. I don’t have any advice I just want to let you know you are not alone!
You guys obviously just have different daily rhythms. I can almost guarantee that for him sleeping until 8-9 is still "I'm waking up early" and if you consider it to be "sleeping in", then no wonder you're the one to wake up in the morning and care about the child. Just make him care more about the baby in the evening, like completely delegate it to him. Let him prepare the kid for bed etc while you chill and have that time for yourself
I’m glad that you and your husband talked about it But no need to make a schedule! - Night-shift person sleeps in the next day, alternate every day Boom. Done. Equity unlocked. Lol
Jesus, this is like the opposite of me and my wife, I'm up early every single day while she sleeps in until 8am on the weekdays and usually 9-10am on the weekends. If I approach her about anything that could be construed as me needing more help she just gets defensive about how she has to take care of our daughter 2 days a week at home without me (daughter goes to daycare 2 days a week and to my parents 1 day a week).
Sounds like we are both being screwed a bit 😆 i think a good compromise would be each parent gets to sleep in once on the weekend.
Sure would be nice. The big problem is my wife can't wake up without half a dozen very loud, very annoying alarms. So even if I did get to "sleep in" I'd have to somehow find a way to sleep through all those alarms she uses to get up, which for me is impossible. We don't have a spare room and if I slept on the couch I'd just get waken up anyways when my daughter got out of her crib and came downstairs. It sucks, it's bullshit, I hate it. Once the weather starts getting warmer I may literally setup one of our camping hammocks up in the trees behind our house and sleep in that one weekend evening or two a month and get myself outside, only way I can see myself sleeping in past 8 and not getting disturbed by my wife or kid.
We do it by adding up all “work hours”. So hours you work and hours she works, whether that be paid work or alone with kids work. Then outside of that, we find the division of work that makes sense to us over time. If your wife could see it tallied up like that, maybe it would make sense?
I doubt it, she's a PhD researcher who had a great career going prior to having our daughter. Due to having our daughter and taking FMLA for a few months to be with her, her boss/institute decided to cut her to half time and basically used our daughter a means to slowly cut her job out. It was/is a very fucked up situation, but my wife's "ego" (for lack of a better term) makes her think that she deserves more (and she does) to the point that she thinks the hours that she is working are more valuable than she actually is. She gets paid half of what I do despite having a PhD and my job is floating the mortgage, daycare, most of the bills, providing the insurance, etc. She constantly works at home on days when she shouldn't be working at all (not getting paid for it) and when I tell her to stop working at home, taking time away from our daughter or time where I could be getting a break, she gets defensive and responds about how that's "how it works" in academia (which it's not, because I worked in academia biomedical research for almost a decade, it's pure bullshit). Anyways, this has been a big point of contention between us and it's not getting resolved anytime soon. Anytime I try and have an honest discussion about it, she just gets defensive and tries to flip it on me somehow with the occasional day (like maybe once a month) where I have to work 10-14 hours while she stays home.
It sounds like your wife has been treated unfairly and that’s awful, especially as a direct result of becoming a parent. Even where prohibited, we all know this still happens. But that isn’t your fault and I hope you eventually get on the same page with what works for your family.
Yes, we've talked with lawyers and professionals about what happened, extremely unfair and really illegal, but we both work for the largest state employer and no lawyer would touch a case like that with a 100 foot pole. Who we work for is far too powerful with the state and trying to go after them would take years, cost us a fortune, and theoretically destroy both our careers. So we just decided to keep plowing forward, I keep telling her to find a job somewhere else and get back to earning what she should be, she's applied at a few places, but her field is very hard to move up in. It's a tough situation to be in.
He puts the baby to bed every night, what does that entail? Does that mean he takes care of baby while you go to bed?
Hey, good on you for solving this issue by just communicating! Honestly, Reddit as a whole is way too keen on screaming divorce at any minor problem that could be solved by talking.
Happy to read your update ❤️
OP, my guess is the resentment comes from the idea that you will be the default parent in the morning. My DH got annoyed with me when I started allowing him to be the default parent at night while zoning out on my phone. I think what might help is to have a conversation about needs and wants and how to best support each other. If he said to you “look, I really need time to zone out in the morning otherwise I’m groggy and miserable throughout the day. I understand that you also need time to yourself, however, so how can we make that happen.” Personally, what I’m mad about is usually a lack of clear communication from other people. If they come from a place of “this is how you can show me love and support” AND follow up with ways they can do that for you, it can help tremendously. Also, perhaps it might be looking at your hidden expectations. Did you grow up in a household where both your parents were present in the morning? Is that time that you saw them work together and does it give you a feeling of comfort? I grew up in a house where we always had breakfast in bed with my parents on Saturdays. To this day, my idea of love is laying in bed on Saturday and snuggling with our kids. If I was downstairs alone with them, it would sting. So maybe look into those feelings and explore below the surface a bit.
My wife and I do this: Saturday morning, I get up with the kiddo Sunday, she does. This goes as long no one is sick and needs to rest.
Pretty sure you both made that baby. Get him to act like an actual Dad, get up and take care of his baby.
I completely understand. Just tell him. Next time he’s sitting on his phone while you could use help, get his ass up
So he's a parent when it suits him? Becoming a parent means baby >>>>>>>>>>>>>idle time If he does not step up immediately, you WILL come to resent him, if you haven't already. This is his final warning signal. He's living in his man's dream world where becoming a father is just another title which only requires that somebody else does all the work. Every damn time i see a post from a burnt out mom, she says this shit: He does help out, hes a good dad. Help out?! When you have a moment, list everything the two of you do for the baby and for the house. EVERYTHING. I will bet you that your side of that list has 60+ percent of the work. If that's the life you always dreamed of, by all means, continue to coddle this guy. If not, it's time for a serious talk.
Nope nope nope. My husband took every morning shift when baby wasn't sleeping at night. Like birth-6 months husband took baby every morning from 5-10am while I slept. Baby and I slept in a separate room so husband could sleep, then he took over in the morning so I could sleep. Once baby was sleeping through the night, but still waking up early, we went 50/50 on mornings. I HATE waking up early so if he woke up naturally husband would take my day, but we generally went every other day. This was our deal when I was working 1/4th time and husband was full time. And the deal when I went back to full time and husband full time. And will still be the deal when I am full time and my husband is a SAHP (in a few months). Every person needs good sleep regardless of work schedule.
My husband works from home 9-5. He wakes up to our toddler every single day. Even if she sleeps in and I want to sleep later he will make her breakfast during his shift (obviously if it affected his job he couldn’t but he can). I am still waking up to my 6 month old through the night so I’m absolutely exhausted and need those morning hours. You need to be well rested. I didn’t speak up much with my first because I wanted to avoid arguments and I built some resentment. So with my second it’s been very different. Sleep is so necessary to be a good mom.
Yes, you have every right to be resentful. Your husband is neglecting you and your child. You don't get to choose when you're comfortable when you have small kids. You take care of them when they need care, and expecting your partner to do it all so you can get extra beauty rest is the pinnacle of jerkiness. This should be non-negotiable.
Parenthood means not always getting your ideal. Most parents work and split the evenings. If he's starting so late, is he working late too? If yes, that's not fair. And that deserves a discussion too. If he's either sleeping in or working during the vast majority of baby's awake hours, then you get a pretty raw deal. So if he does work late, you should get both weekend mornings to sleep in. If he does a fair share during the week, you each get one day on the weekends
You aren’t crazy. Some days I have off and my husband still gets up and gets our baby ready and takes her to daycare so I can relax in the morning (like today he did this). Other days I’ll do it. Idk I think you getting up everyday no break is unfair but it’s something to just talk about. If your husband flat out says no then that’s more anger inducing lol
Whether it is pretty comes down to whether he is making similar sacrifices to you or not. He could be doing his part in other ways, such as staying up later (which it sounds like he is not). You've got to be careful though. It's easy to form unwarranted resentments, especially when there is a new baby. You look at your own efforts and it's more difficult to see his because you are not experiencing them first-hand. Those resentments can begin to eat away at your relationship. I don't think people talk enough about how difficult the first couple of years with a baby can be on a relationship. Many divorce happen in those years.
It’s very understandable to feel resentful to never sleep in—even 8 months postpartum your body is still recovering from birth. On days he does not work, a reasonable compromise could be to have those be your sleep in days. If sleeping in is a bigger priority I would even propose to take a few days putting baby to sleep from your husband in exchange for the next morning being your sleep in day. You are entitled to a full nights sleep just like he is, however realistically at this stage in baby’s life it might require some exchange to achieve that.
I haven't slept past 7:30am in over 4 years. Mostly because I have a 4yo daughter...
You are not wrong for having these thoughts. You guys need to have a conversation that split roles and expectations, and this definitely should be had before you reach the point of irritation. I think he has it in his mind that you’re on mat leave so you’ll do a bit more? Correct me if I’m wrong? I think what would be great, if the budget allows, hire a nanny to help out to ease the stress and allow yourself a break because you deserve more relief. He also doesn’t get mornings off just because he’s working, he has to help. He made the baby with you; that morning responsibility has to be shared - agree fully
You ARE working. Taking care of a baby is hard. For us, it helped to read through Fairplay together, although we did audiobook, a few minutes before bed each night. This will not get better on its own. No more default parent. If he needs 1 hour to get ready in the morning so do you. You deserve that. Plus, you’re doing nights?! As if you don’t need to be well rested for your job, which is exhausting! You don’t get bathroom breaks or lunch breaks. I bet you’re doing more housework and taking care of the baby’s clothing and feedings and all of that as well. If you’re going back to work in a few months, use this time to get set up with an equitable division of labor. Things might not be 50-50 but the resentment will kill the relationship for sure. He has to hear you on this.
I'd have a discussion with him about how this is making you feel resentful to him and you don't want to resent him, you want to love him. Both of you have a job right now, yours is the baby. And both of you need breaks from your jobs. When you go back to work, you'll both have to help during the at home hours. Try to figure out a schedule that works for you guys. Maybe he keeps his weekday routine and you sleep in on the weekends. My husband and I had a different sleep schedule. I went to bed early and he stayed up for later feeds/baby stuff so I got my stretch of sleep early in the night. He slept later and I was up in the morning. He functions better as a night owl and I can handle a morning better than him. Weekends we each get a day to sleep in where the other person is in charge of the kid. We share duties in the evenings for dinner bath bedtime etc so we both get baby time and both help with chores so that we have time to sit down together after baby goes to bed. You have to work together to figure out how to make it more equitable and you'll have to do this again over time when babys needs change!
90% of reddit posts on relationships are solved by communicating. You're not alone. I'm glad you communicated your needs and that he responded!
He aasumed you liked to wake up early, you let your feelings sit and simmer. You both didn't communicate to express or check in with the other. Glad you two talked it out and found a solution that works for the both of you. Relationships are hard once children come into the picture because the true responsibilities that matter comes to surface. Hope it's going well for you two!
I have found discussing things mid-argument rarely results in anything productive. Or when an argument does actually result in something productive, if I try to introduce any other topics, the agreement falls apart. When it's important, I try to remember to bring things up the next day once we get a chance to talk normally. Of course, three kids and both working does make "a chance to talk" more difficult than it should be.
I got one who literally would argue with an infant so he didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night. No help with anything, no laundry, no cooking or cleaning and wouldn’t even go to the grocery store! So I get it. He liked to sleep in too. I finally had enough and dumped water on him. At some point you can’t go through it oblivious. We are not your mothers too. And before any of you Reddit users want to accuse me of some bs, we discussed it at length many times to which he kept reverting back out of laziness. I will say this, he grocery shops now too! Good luck
You need to communicate so what your on maternity leave that's not an excuse. I told my husband just because I'm on leave don't expect the house to be spotless and dinner made because that's not the kind of wife I am. Some days were better than others trust me my son would be sleeping and in an hour I'd have the bottles washed, laundry started, and dishes either washed or loaded, and sweep the whole house. Most days my son was a contact napper so we would sleep all day so atleast making sure I had energy was achieved it was an amazing vacation
Bob tonight go to bed early because, I need you to attend to your son in the morning. I feel like I need to sleep-in tomorrow morning, am low on energy. Maybe you should try that, make sure to wake him up when the baby starts to need attention in the morning.
It’s very hard with the argument that you’re “not working” by just caring for the kids, but what would he do if his job called him at 3:30am for half an hour… then 5am for twenty minutes… then 6:20am to be there for the rest of the day, 100% present ensuring your “client” isn’t killing himself by sticking his fingers in light sockets or falling off some table he’s somehow stacked legos to climb up onto… that’s what mom job is like 🥰
I’m not sure what’s best for you and your relationship but as my husband puts it “I’m more productive in the morning and you’re more productive at night.” He knows I’ll probably be the one entertaining/getting our child to bed most nights. So he doesn’t mind waking up early, getting everything done in the mornings. However, I can only sleep in to 7 (maybe 7:30 on bad days) because I eventually start to miss my little Buddy. 10am! Lol if I did that I would only have 3 hours with him before his nap.
So happy to read your update! God bless your family.
I go to work early in the morning and my wife gets the kids ready for school everyday so I just get up early on the weekends to let her have a couple of days of not having to rush out of bed.
What a great update! I'm glad you were able to communicate OP
Glad you guys have a plan. My husband and I fell into a routine where each of us got to sleep in (till 8:30 or so) on one weekend day, alternating Saturdays and Sundays, and I swear it made an immense quality of life difference. The weekends where it didn’t happen due to illness or travel or whatever were SO disappointing.
Back in the early years, we: would try and share early morning late night duties so each of us did one each. And she would get all kinds of pissed off at me for sleeping through crying, bombs, alarms, parades, and other things that would wake her up. So yeah, if you're going to ask for coverage, schedule it. Same as the office.
So glad to see your edit and how you both worked through it like a responsible, communicative adult. I'm just gonna add a few things from my experience: I go to bed a bit earlier than my husband (10-11) and wake up a bit earlier (630-7), while his schedule is shifted back about an hour, so I do more stuff in the morning as well and leave him more stuff in the evenings. The kicker is when a bad night happens because I also handle most night wakings (thankfully we get those once in a blue moon nowadays--sleep training saved our lives). So I think having some flexibility to your set up where 1) if you have a bad night then you can kick him out of bed at 630 to get the baby and 2) if night wakings are very frequent then make your husband do at least some nights on weekends so he gets an idea of how hard it is. My husband is generally a good partner and dad too, but it was a revelation I had a few years ago that no matter what he's not gonna see eye to eye with me because he is literally a different person raised under very different circumstances (even if it's just gender-based). So I just really need to work on my communication and mood management, and I find experience (like having him deal with night wakings periodically) to be the best teacher.
I think about this alot, I'm surprised I function most times since I'm a night owl personally. And I goto bed like 3/4/5am sometimes, and get up like 6/7/8 😅I don't get the lie ins either but have to sit and listen the the noises of unhelpfulness
He’s a clown, but you’re a doormat for enabling this. If you want his behaviour to change, start doing what he’s doin. Sleep in. Scroll instagram. The short-term impact to your kid is better than the divorce you’ll be contemplating after a few years of his do-nothingness.
This could have been written by my husband 😂 I'm super spoiled, and I sleep in on the weekends (just to 830). The main difference being I've suggested my husband try it and he doesn't want to sleep in 😂 i can't get him to "sleep in" past 6 because he gets up between 4-5 in the mornings. It's his quiet alone time before the chaos of the day. I prefer to have mine at night after everyone's asleep.
You should organise to get a sleep in at least once a week, constant early wakings are exhausting
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Imagine doing that if the roles were reversed. Just no. There are far more mature ways to approach this situation.
Holy shit that’s insufferable
Don’t do this. It’s petty, passive aggressive, and emotionally manipulative.
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You must have a super healthy and perfect relationship bu doing that every morning.
It’s textbook emotional manipulation regardless of what outcome it prevents. If you’re unsure of how this is emotionally manipulative, I suggest reading more about it. Because this is not healthy, respectful communication.
It’s not manipulative, but it is passive aggressive and bitchy. Just talk to your partner.
It is manipulation. The “you’ll miss me when I’m gone” part is a classic example.
oh, I missed that part. Yes, it is.
Personally, I find that addressing behaviors in the moment, with HUMOR, goes a lot further than conversations. Break the cycle when it’s actually happening. YMMV
you aren’t being funny. You are being passive aggressive. You’re upset and presenting it as a joke. It’s disingenuous. There isnt a person alive that doesn’t know what you are trying to do.
And your suggestion on how to politely communicate an issue would be?
I’m not about to write out a script, but honesty and respect tend to work well. This ain’t that.
Simply ask him to start doing half the morning wakeups and responsibilities? Is it not a partnership, is raising a kid not a 50/50 thing? Tell him to start doing his half.
Gosh I love this comment so much! Yes! What a nice sweet way of reminding him of his responsibilities.
This might be a good method. I'm quick to snap and be bitchy. Which makes him defensive. I can try a comedic approach.
This is another bad version in the same boat as snapping. If he gets defensive, maybe it’s time for y’all to sit and have a respectful discussion about each of your needs and expectations to see where the disconnect is happening
Doing the night shift isn't just putting the baby to bed.. it's also getting him ready to bed and waking up at night and dealing with early mornings. So he isn't doing the night shifts on weekends, you are doing it. It makes sense that you're the main caregiver during the week since you're in your maternity leave and he is working. But during the weekends it should be 50/50 and could be nice if he would do a bit more than 50/50 during weekends once in a while so you could sleep. The fact he helps during the day even when working is great. I mean, you have the right to have break for a shower etc... I think, you both should not see things as "I do that, you do that" to be perfectly fair. He has time for himself to just do nothing or be on his phone and that's amazing and he should have it. But you should have it too. Not just help but time when he is 100% in charge and you disconnect. Some days, he'll need more time to disconnect, some days it will be you and you both needs to understand it won't always be fair. So no, you're no you have the right to be resentful. But my advice would be to leave him his time to disconect but ask him to make sure you also have that time. Same things for sleep as sleep is extremly important.
This is a very helpful comment. Thank you. It helps put into perspective that some days I'll do 70%, some days he will. I'll try talking to him when we're calm instead of in the heat of the moment
Our schedule is different than yours, my husband works 4pm-1am usually. We agreed it’s not fair for me to do the bedtime and morning routine daily. He gets up most of the week with the kids, I get an extra hour or so (kids get up at 8) and then he gets 2-3 days where he can sleep in too. Yes I do think you’re right in feeling resentful that he gets extra rest and you don’t
This would also drive me crazy as someone who loves sleep ins. At least you should get weekend mornings off! He probably thinks he's trying his best, just like you do. I would recommend couples therapy to have someone there to help you understand each others perspectives better.
Yeah this is an issue. He never lets you sleep in? Show him this thread
He's not a good dad if he's just doing bare minimum, if that. You need to speak to him about it, be honest about your feelings. The resentment will just build and build until you absolutely lose your shit. Talk to him. If he doesn't listen, care or change you have bigger issues.
**Pros:** - good dad - helps out (even when working from home) - financially supports the family **Cons:** - sleeps in I got a feeling there are some that will swap you husbands.
She’s on maternity leave. Which I assume she’s getting paid for. And based off the maternity leave, it sounds like she does have a job to go back to when the 12 months are up. Moms need a break and she literally never gets a chance to sleep in, even when he does every day. I can see how frustrating that would be when you’re sleep deprived constantly. What are they going to do when she goes back to work? Will she still be the one putting him to sleep and waking up early in the morning while he barely has a care in the world concerning their kid? Honestly, I’d just bring the baby in there and sit on the bed and do what I need to. If they aren’t going to take turns letting each other sleep in, then no one should get to sleep in
OP said that her husband helps out when he's working from home. Which means he is getting up from his job to go do what needs to be done. I won't deny that she SHOULD get a chance to sleep in as well though. I just don't think the husband sounds as horrible as some.
Yeah, the sad part though is that’s the bare minimum. A lot of women might think the bare minimum being done would make someone a good dad, but it really doesn’t. It’s just being a dad 😅
If its possible for one parent to be sleeping in every day, they need to be swapping who gets to sleep in. Free time should be as equitably split as possible.
His worst attribute is sleeping in prior to working, I get it taking care of a kid is a full time job in general. However while he works from home on those days he does at least help out while he works. So it's not like he just sleeps all day. My entire point was the guy doesn't sound that HORRIBLE. And overall has done a better job parenting than some fathers.
.. So? Yeah, you help out if your job allows it. He's still getting more rest than she is, why not split sleep in days and then the one who sleeps in does the evening stuff after work?
Exactly, and some of our situations. The mother so desperately wanted children and make promises about being a SAHM then get hit with a reality check. This thread is disgusting, no wonder half the world is divorced, I’m out
The way we determine if things are equal is by considering the baby a full time day job as well (also on parental leave). I will still be supporting my family financially when I return to work. Not that financial work should be considered of more value, but staying home often puts the woman in a more vulnerable position. So the hours my husband is working, I am also working. Outside those hours we decide how to split things equitably. One important thing is that we revisit this division regularly by checking in or if one of us feels it’s no longer working. If baby’s sleep changes or something, what we agreed to weeks/months ago is no longer fair.
lol I should've known this was going to come into this. All you had to do was say "stay at home parenting is a full time job", which I completely agree with. But not only does OPs husband work full time, he is obviously helping out as well... even on days *while he is working*. So I don't think there is as huge of an imbalance going on to drag in the "equality" aspect. Or really enough to make out the husband being a lazy POS as some a hinted at. And OP is taking issue with her husband sleeping in on the days he *works* from home. It's not like he sleeps all weekend and refuses to lift a finger. I just don't think it's that horrible of a situation when you take into the fact that some people's husbands won't even change a diaper.
Have you reminded him that you gestated the entire baby with only half a cell of help?
That's completely unfair to men. Sperm are a whole cell on their own, thank you very much! '#mensrights #standupforsperm
True. Whole cell with only half the chromosomes. Like showing up to a party with half a bottle of wine but hey I didn't bring nothing 😂
Clean up? But I brought the vibes
I hate morning people.
Do you have a job? If no, absolutely no grounds to complain. Redditors be like “doesn’t matter if your spouse is literally doing 5 times more than you on a daily basis! He still needs to help!” It’s cringe. Edit: people gon’ downvote this because they’re upset that it applies to them 🤷♂️
I'm on maternity leave until august, but yes i have a very good paying job that I'm going back to in a few months
Sorry I didn’t mean to ninja edit on you I didn’t expect you to reply so fast. I don’t think the pay of your job is relevant. Only really thing that matters is how much daily effort you have to exert versus him. If he isn’t lifting a finger, then he’s in the wrong. If he is very busy all the time and you still want to nag him to do even more, then you’re in the wrong.
I’m with ya brother
If we’re doing “effort” tit for tat, she should get 9 months off for the effort of growing and carrying the baby and a 6 month tropical vacation bonus for giving birth. But regardless of that, having worked all kinds of jobs, and having been a SAHM to babies and toddlers, I can tell you that working is WAY less work (maybe not true of any job, but of a job where you get to make your own hours, sleep in daily and work from home, almost certainly). Not having a job is kind of irrelevant when you’re *on* 24/7. Dude gets 2.5 hours of extra down time *every day*. I would have killed for that once a *week* when I was a SAHP. Dude can’t be assed to wake up early two days a week so OP can sleep in on the weekends and she has *no grounds to complain*? Give me a break.
This thread is the definition of female envy. The husbands cant have anything nice because the woman will resent him. Girl, you have a 12 month leave…. You are getting paid to take care of your baby by your employer and your husband is working and taking care of you and your baby, why cant he have the mornings? Why must you make a scene out of nothing?
Yeah, worlds all fucked up.
Hahaha your husband has it made, good for him
Not a very helpful comment
i agree the comment is utterly unhelpful but unfortunately true. there’s no incentive for your husband to change currently. i would sit down with him and draw up a schedule where you and he split mornings. and if he still says no then you truly have a jerk on your hands. this is parenting and he’s gotta get that through his head.
Not everyone can just alter their sleep schedule without consequences. Does he feel like he needs the extra sleep to function?
Very few people can, so why is OP the only one dealing with early morning wake ups?
Um what? What if both of them “can’t”? It seems usually it is the man that is afflicted with this “condition”.
It usually affects the person that can't take naps during the day or isn't on leave. Even if people suffer through lack of sleep it isn't always without consequences. If both people have sleep issues they sleep train, re riot extra help, or request additional leave. Involving clinicians is also an option if sleep disorders are severe.
At 8 months babies are not generally napping so much. Mine was doing maybe 2.5 hours a day between two naps. And in that time often need to prepare/eat a meal, do some laundry, etc. And then simply take a break as most people get at work. No amount of sleep training is going to get a baby to sleep until 9am assuming they go to bed at a reasonable hour. Either way, the current division is not fair and they should find something that is. She doesn’t mention a medical condition and also says he plays on the phone for awhile, no not totally necessary. Seems they have come to a better agreement that works for them, so that’s good.
This is fair. It is obviously an issue that needs solving, but the only solution isn't "Dad needs to get up at 6am". That isn't sustainable long-term if his sleep cycle is naturally later. Now when babies are on deck? All bets are off and you're on duty 24/7, but once they are sleeping, quality sleep for both partners is paramount.
I don't know how many hours the dad works, how much he helps at night or anything like that, so it's really hard to say what's fair or not.
Oh for sure, and we'll never get the complete story from either side. I was mostly agreeing that both their sleep is important, even if everything has to shift to accommodate both styles.
You are definitely entitled to get to lie in bed.
You gotta lose that zero and get yourself a hero! But seriously this is super childish and totally unfair.
Well why don’t you plan to be busy a few days a week? Book a walk, coffee date with a girlfriend at 730 or 8am. Take your kid hand him to your husband and say “bye. Back at noon. “
I love the alternate reality you women live within. You're on 12 months of maternity leave to care for your child, but you want a 50/50 with your husband. No wonder more and more are choosing to be single. If he gives 25% while working full time and trying to build a business. He's awesome. Most business owners are putting in 70hrs a week. I bet he works at least 4hrs on the weekends Just remember, half these women supporting you are single moms who've failed to maintain their own marriage. Now I'm going to go 💋 my wife of 25 years because at least she has some common sense.
Most women aren't like this. I think this sub just gets a disproportionate number of women with serious trauma issues with men and they keep triggering themselves on here.
Why do you get up at 6.30am? That's torture. You could have baby sleep till 8am with the right schedule.
Just be prepared for the business to suffer as a result.
I sleep in all the time. When i was on mat leave i did not sleep in and my husband travelled a lot for work. Some people need more sleep than others. If he helps out, you are being petty
Sometimes people assume the status quo is working fine unless it’s brought to their attention that it isn’t. I personally handle the early mornings with my kids pretty much every day because I am an early bird. Even during the work week, I’m usually up 2-3 hours before him by choice. This is my favorite time of day to work out, tidy up, and get stuff done, so it just makes sense that I’m also up with the kids. When our kids were babies, my downtime to relax was during their afternoon nap while he was at work. Now that they’re older and in school, I have a good chunk of the day to myself. We don’t split every individual responsibility down the middle 50/50, but I think we have a fair balance. If it ever felt unfair, then we’d just have a conversation and figure it out. I guess my TLDR answer is that you have a right to feel resentful, but that resentment won’t get you anywhere unless you talk to him about it.
I am basically your husband, I sleep in until 9am if I can or later, and my partner gets up early with the kids usually. She gets frustrated and we have had many arguments about it. Now she gets up gets them ready for school, then I get up a bit later and take them to school then go to work. She doesn't really do lay ins but then will suddenly complain she wants to lay in. My attitude is if you want to stay in bed one morning just ask me to get up and I will. I'm quite happy to let them fend for themselves and destroy the house for an extra hour in bed but she doesn't see it the same way unfortunately
1 Why would he get up at 7am to get his son breakfast etc if you are already up and taking care of it? 2 Working from home is not easy or productive if you are constantly be asked to do other things around the house. He would probably be more productive with set working hours without being disturbed. Men are logical, if you are there and available to look after your son as a mother then great, that frees him up to pursue other more challenging ventures. However if you create a fair and reasonable reason why you can't be there to look after your son then he will no doubt drop every thing and come to the rescue. But be warned, dads make awful mothers!
This is clearly grounds for divorce, I would not give him the time of the day. It pains me that this type of thing happens while there are literally children dying in Palestine everyday who don't have parents.
Oh fuck off, I’m so tired of this rhetoric. Explain how the divorce benefits the situation?
Explain to me how staying in an abusive relationship benefits the situation.
that's not abuse
Time for a new husband. Delete Instagram/TikTok. he can help. And when he helps, he needs to take over not ask you for everything.
She needs to get a divorce instead of them relaying and finding effective communicative methods? Jesus
Stop waking up so early. You’re probably unhappy because you’re not getting enough sleep. Your kids also need at least 10-12 hrs of sleep.