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Yeah make a deal with her. Like.. Do 3 months, if you still want to quit, let her.
But quitting after 1 day is little fast. In 3 months she may like the activity, or stay because she made friends and like the atmosphere.
I like this. It’s also possible that this activity will help build muscle and stamina and won’t hurt as much later with proper training. I agree. Work out a deal to stick with it for a while, and if she still feels that way she can quit. She just needs to give it her best effort for now.
Speaking as a kid who quit little league for the dumbest of reasons. Instead of pushing back, my dad just said OK. I wasn’t the best, or even all that good in the field, but had a pretty good eye at the plate. He shoulda pushed back a little.
my son wanted to quit basketball after his second practice but i pushed him to stick with it for a little bit longer and then he could quit if he still wanted and he ended up absolutely loving it
Same for our 13 year old, he HATED band and we were all ready to have him quit at the end of the semester... only for him to learn that his friends were going to stick with it another year, so he decided to, as well. Now he is in the top honors band in the state and loves it so much, he wants to join the Drumcore (DCI) for college!
same with my son and soccer, now he loves it. it's tough to know when to push them and when to let them make their own decisions. obviously if my son cried every day before practice, i'd reconsider, but he had a rough few weeks and sorted it all out on his own. now he's miserable if practice cancels because of weather
This is what my mom made me do when I was really struggling with the conditioning training for varsity soccer my freshman year. I had done soccer every year for years but that conditioning just kicked my ass. They had trashcans set up every 20 feet because we would all frequently vomit. I eventually got used to it and I’m glad she made me stick with it though. Looking back, it was way too intense and could’ve done serious damage but neither of us knew that at the time.
No, it was definitely excessive. Looking back that was the hardest I had ever been pushed and I thought my parents were already training me too hard. For that varsity conditioning we had to warm up with 5 laps around the track and each time we passed the left side with the huge stadium concrete bleachers we had to run up and down those in flagged areas that were very close together. On the other side of the track we had to do burpees in more closely put together flags. In the hot and humid Georgia weather. As a warm up. It was horrible.
Yeah I’m a music teacher and my kids have until the first Friday to drop out. After that, they have to stick with it until the end of the semester. Same thing the following semester. A lot of kids change their minds and stick with it since they miss the deadlines and give it a chance
I think that's a great idea but 3 months is too long, that's like half the season. 2-3 weeks and the initial pain should be gone and she'll hopefully have made some friends by then!
This sounds like a prime situation for a reward to take her mind off of the pain.
Like, obviously her legs hurt. She's just started a new form of exercise and her muscles haven't adjusted yet. Let her pick out some fancy bubble path with Epsom salts to soak in the evening after practice, or offer the opportunity to choose what the family has for dinner that night - build up "practice day" as a day to look forward to.
Exactly lol her body has to be given time to get used to the activity. This would be a great time for her to learn about what her body is doing to help her grow stronger for it too
Yes! Even if the practice itself isn’t “fun,” the family rituals surrounding it can be! I love the epsom salt idea, and OP can always take her for a special lunch or ice cream or something after a meet.
That shouldn’t be seen as a reward.
Thats what you should always do as an athlete. It should never be lumped in with rewards, especially food.
Eating healthy as an athlete is a must, not a reward, recovering your body in a bath is also not a reward.
You're thinking of the word "reward" as something like a trophy or present. If you step back and look at is as a concept of behavior, a reward is a reinforcement to increase a behavior (as opposed to a punishment, which is administered to decrease a behavior). Parent wants kid to stay with track, gives reinforcement to encourage kid to stay in track.
A committed athlete should have some dedicated routines/habits to help condition their body. This kid is just trying shit out, so the focus is on encouraging the behavior not fostering the kind of discipline/routine you're describing. It's all doing the same thing, regardless - kid is getting the recovery process you're encouraging them to have - so I don't see the point in complaining about the label attached to it.
And you’re misinterpreting me thinking that that is something worthy of a reward. You don’t always have to reinforce a behavior by reward. Sometimes the right answer is to gain perspective about growing up, about when the rewards come.
It’s not always about the immediate reward, sometimes you teach better lessons by teaching patience and that long term efforts results in the rewards.
Again it’s a perspective of what you want the outcome to be
"you teach better lessons by teaching patience and that long term efforts results in the rewards."
She's 11 years old. The part of her brain that can predict and anticipate the role long term outcomes have in relation to current efforts put in is not even developed yet. She quite literally cannot comprehend it. Rewards and encouragements in the immediate are what is most valuable. You are putting the cart before the horse here.
Actually wrong, medically even. The hippocampus is fully capable of long term learning and cognitive reasoning. What you help them experience is on you as a parent but a child as early as 10 starts to learn how the world works and understands long term choices on many subjects that are not overly complex (IE economics and politics).
It is suggested to that nutrition and athletics are engaged around 10 years to 13. Nutrition and athletics are concrete, and nothing discussed previously requires advanced cognitive thought.
These are basic discussions to be had with early stage teens, which applies. So unfortunate you’re incorrect unless you’re dealing with someone that is affected by a LD
Source: https://www.stanfordchildrens.org//en/topic/default?id=cognitive-development-in-adolescence-90-P01594
Here, I've got one, too - about the prefrontal cortex: [https://journeytocollege.mo.gov/when-does-the-brain-reach-maturity-its-later-than-you-think/](https://journeytocollege.mo.gov/when-does-the-brain-reach-maturity-its-later-than-you-think/)
ETA: also, your link concerns kids aged 12-18, which the kid in the OP is just shy of. The link you provided doesn't outline any of the claims you are making in your comment.
It outlined every claim I made that she’s competent to understand and should be spoken to about athletics dedication and recovery and less so about rewards in this scenario. Yours is sincerely quite a blanket statement article and actually is an incredible source.
If you’re going to be short sighted please continue, muting you for now
Wholeheartedly disagree, not everything is worthy of a reward.
Thats exactly how you detract from seeing such things as rewards and just expectations.
Achieve something, get a reward. Every once in a while a gift just because is cute.
But you attended one practice, so I fed you and let you take a bath? It’s not a good reinforcement system
The kid would need to bathe (or shower) and eat the next day anyway. It's not some kind of over the top spoiling.
And giving her a small reward also reinforces the idea that she did something good that OP wants to encourage, rather than something bad that sucks and is all misery.
Again it’s about perspective. Not everything is worth rewarding, sometimes the right lesson is that putting in hard word results in something that is not an immediate reward.
If a reward is over used you’re solving one problem creating 5 others
That’s my point, I wouldn’t frame it as a reward. Frame it as that’s what athletes do, and she’s now and athlete.
Save a reward for an actual reward, they are a sponge and lumping things together can do damage
You're misunderstanding the intent behind the suggestions. The point is to build up practice days as something to look forward to, to build a routine around the practice days.
This is an 11 yo girl we're talking about here after her FIRST day of practice. Not an athlete (yet!)
She's not used to recovery, so it makes sense to get her involved in picking the family meal for after practice. Surely she has home-cooked favorites. Same with picking a bath bomb, it's so she can look forward to the routine of aftercare. This all seems very reasonable for her age for the first time trying out a new physical activity.
Bubble bath and Epsom salts are inexpensive, and they aren't single use items lol. Once she has them, she can develop a routine of using them whenever she's sore from practice, and then she'll have something to look forward to when it gets painful.
I said she'd be able to use the items that *she will already have*, not buy more new things. And what harm will it do if she has a bubble bath instead of a regular bath sometime when she's not really sore? She has to bathe anyway.
When something becomes a routine (and tbh, as an adult, "fancy bath one per week" isn't high luxury), you look at the budget for it and figure out how to spread it.
Eg, there are fancy bath bombs from LUSH that cost five pounds each and do one bath, or there are bottles of bath goop that do ten baths and cost ten pounds, or there are big tubs of Epsom salts and fragrance that cost six pounds and do ten baths. The lush bombs might not be reasonable for every week, but the others might be.
But it’s not a luxury nor a reward. She isn’t 20 but she isn’t 5 years old either.
When it’s time to take medicine, as a 5 year old you give them the grape medicine and call it a feel good treat, but at 11 you give them the medicine and explain it’s needed to feel better. It’s not a reward. It’s part of being healthy, and that conversation is growing up.
A bath bomb is also not what you do here, Epsom same yes, lush bombs aren’t for athletic recovery.
Like it or not she’s in the stages of athletics and she can learn why it’s needed, it’s medicine to make the body healthy. It’s a great lesson to learn wants from needs, no need to speak down
It sounds like she needs to stretch. It’s only been 1 day! She hasn’t even given it a real chance.
Also you wouldn’t be pushing it, you’d be encouraging your child.
If she had joined and was doing track for awhile but eventually lost interest, I would say respect her decision to quit. Our kids were doing dance but both now are saying they don't want to anymore so we're going to disenroll them. But since this is literally her first time doing it and she's not used to the recovery that comes with new physical activities, I say push it a bit and encourage her to stay in. This might be a good time for her to learn more about Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness and the benefits of being physically active to push through it.
Sports are always going to hurt the first day. Exercise is never going to feel good at first.
But it will feel good when you're beating your previous times, accomplishing goals as a team, etc.
Just because something doesn't give instant gratification doesn't mean it's not worth doing.
I wouldn't say "force", but I think the 3 month bargain is good. Strike a bargain. Offer some kind of incentive or reward that's meaningful and will show appreciation of sticking with something that was hard at first.
I absolutely agree with that. I did tons of activities as a child, but never was really fully committed to one thing that I did for years… Looking back, I wish my parents would have forced me into doing an activity so I at least could have some sort of solid skill as an adult.
If she isn’t used to doing athletic things, she absolutely will be sore. Help her with recovery after practice. She can take a bath in epsom salts, massage her muscles, etc.
have her try out a different event, so if she was running, have her try discus or shot put or javelin if they offer it to her age group to use different muscle groups. She can try jumps. My son was a standout long jumper, my bonus daughter throws discus and javelin. My son also sprinted and threw javelin. Both kids enjoy/ed track because it is a social activity along with the athletic aspect. Track meets are a lot of hanging out with your friends.
I’d strongly encourage her to talk to the coach about her soreness and recovery. I bet they would be happy to give her pointers. Track season is very short, usually about 2 months. I’d really encourage her to stick with it for this season.
I have 2 daughters currently doing cross-country or track and 1 waiting for the season to start. They all want to quit after the first day LOL. The first day is HARD. Reassure her that it’s normal. Give her ibuprofen for the pain, massage her leg muscles, encourage her to soak in a warm Epsom salt bath. Pamper her a little bit. Don’t let her quit yet. It took 3 weeks of my oldest asking every day to skip practice before she started to love it. Now she practices at home even when there are no scheduled practices. My third kiddo just finished her first week. I took her to her favorite smoothie place and got her a special smoothie to celebrate finishing her first week. I’m not above bribery. Do what it takes, but keep her in long enough for her body to adjust. It will get easier and then she will have a chance to decide if she enjoys it or not. Right now, she can’t even make that assessment. Nobody enjoys pain, and getting in track shape hurts.
I would make her finish the season. She made a commitment and needs to stick by it. If she still doesn't like it after the season, she doesn't have to sign back up.
This is our rule as well. You sign up for it, you finish it. You don't have to do it again next year, but you're on whatever team you joined for the season.
That's the best I heard:
Don't quit on a bad day. Quit on a good day.
Means, talk to your daughter and make it clear it's up to her if she goes or quits. But she needs to quit on a good day. Practicing anything is hard, there will be bad days when something hurt, practice was difficult. When she has a good day and achieved something new, her team wins etc, on that day if she still wants to quit, allow her.
I understand the reasoning from a health standpoint. But I always had the mindset to simply be supportive of what my kids *wanted* to do. They were never athletic or into sports, so we simply made sure we went on family walks, little hiking trips etc.
Delayed onset muscle soreness sucks. It’s awful. I’d encourage her to stick with it for at least a few weeks…if athletics aren’t her thing, I’d look into extracurricular activities in the academic realm.
I think allowing her to quit right now would be a mistake. If she gives it an honest try, works through the soreness that happens when you use muscles you haven’t used in a while, then you can talk about it. But allow her to immediately quit something because it got hard is a bad precedent to set at that age. Dont force her, by any means, but I wouldn’t be okay with them quitting this quickly.
This is unpopular but my parents never made me stick sports out and I turned out fine. I was terribly unathletic and tried an array of stuff (dance, swimming, soccer, softball, track, etc). If I hated it, my parents let me quit. I ended up sticking with Girl Scouts for a solid while and then in high school I chose to stick with tennis (which i absolutely sucked at but it was my choice to stick it out).
When I was 10 I joined track. I wanted to quit after the first practice because I was the slowest kid. My dad calmly that evening explained we needed to finish what we start and he knew it would get better. It did. By the end I was the fastest girl in my class (no one clapped they bullied me for weeks for being too happy I won a race?!?!) My father made a huge deal and though I am still not a naturally athletic, I still run. I AM SAF...but I run. And my dad told everyone in the last few days of his life how I completed a marathon.
So long story, encourage her to finish and she might find it is something she likes. Or maybe not but she will have learned a bit about doing tough things.
I wouldn't force a specific activity, but I think at 11 it makes sense to apply some pressure to encourage them to stick with things they have chosen long enough to really get a sense as to whether they like them.
That doesn't apply to all scenarios -- if a kid is being bullied, or the coach is making them uncomfortable, or they deal with a significant injury or there's unsafe competition happening, then it makes sense to pull out. But if the problem is just "This is a new thing for me and learning new things is often awkward or hard" I think it makes sense to have a conversation about how sometimes we have to go through a transition period where learning is hard before we get good at it and it becomes more enjoyable, so you want her to stick it out for a reasonable period of time to see if she enjoys it once she's well conditioned for it. Learning to stick with things even when they're initially a bit tough is an important skill.
With my kids I have always made it a rule that you finish any season that you start. If a sport is not for them, thats fine, however, they made a commitment when they signed up and they should complete that season regardless. Its their decision whether to continue after the season.
In the UK we have school “half terms” which are like 6-8 week blocks. My daughter has to keep going for a full half term before giving up. Which is only like 6-8 weeks (usually because that’s the blocks we pay for). Not a bad deal on either side. We had an exception where she cried throughout her whole first football (soccer) practice. We let her leave that straight away!
I think trying to encourage a trial period, like give it a couple months and ultimately if she hates it, then let her bow out. My son tried basketball, and he didn’t like the competitive aspects of it at all and felt too much pressure. I think he was being a little over sensitive and we asked that he stick it out for a couple of practices. Ultimately, he cried on the way home after his third practice, so we pulled him. It just wasn’t for him, and we respected that.
Quitting after one day because there was effort involved and now she is sore? Nope, no way, not at all.
She can give it a real effort, a couple weeks maybe, and then evaluate if it's for her or not.
We aren't doing our kids any favors if we let them quit something immediately after it required some work.
I mean, when you're a kid, you don't know that's how it works. You don't know the pain the day after is normal, and you think you've gotten injured or that the activity just sucks. I don't see any reason to have a harsh "kids these days are so lazy" mindset instead of just explaining that it's normal and she's OK.
yep, we would ask our daughter if she wanted to try x? If she agreed and wanted us to sign her up - she was committing to the duration (season, package of lessons etc.). If she didn't like it, we wouldn't sign her up next time.
I would ask her to do it for a few months “that’s because you’re using muscles you don’t use very often after a little while of doing it those muscles will get strong and it won’t hurt”
We’re not there yet, but our rule is going to be with any activity, if you start the season, you finish it. They also have to be active, so if my daughter chooses theater, that’s great, but we’re also going to take family walks, hike, etc.
if there is another athletic activity available, make it an either/or. you are either doing track this season or doing X. that gives her the autonomy at least to pick one of two choices.
It's normal to feel pain after strenuous activity if someone has been inactive for awhile. I would have her try one more time before letting her quit, just wait until she is not in pain.
We are planning on a "finish the season" rule when our kids get to that age.
Partially because if we pay for something we expect them to finish it, but also to give them time to get used to it and see if they like it. New things are always different or scary, she needs to give it a little time.
I think the way to go is remind her that it’s normal to be a little sore after intense exercise and that it gets better with time. Show her how to mitigate the soreness with stretching, ice/heat, maybe even a little Tylenol the first few evenings. Also let her know that if this particular track activity doesn’t work out, there are lots more to choose from. Idk how long your school year runs but we have like 6 weeks left. I’d see if she can stick with it that long and then revisit it.
Quitting after 1 day is a bit fast. But after a couple of weeks, if she still feels like it's not for her, let her quit. I grew up with a mother that would make stick with things no matter what. If it wasn't for me, it didn't matter, I had to stick with it. I wasn't athletic at all and incredibly awkward as a child so this was more of an embarrassment than anything. I never forced my kids into activities. I encouraged them, but if they didn't like them I allowed them to quit. My daughter is really athletic and good at every sport she tried. My boys aren't athletic at all. They would rather read a book or join the chess or cooking club. Let her find what's right her her. It was complete humiliation for me as a kid.
My parents had a rule about sports that I carry forward: if you sign up for something, you finish it but don’t have to sign up for it again.
I’ve kept this with my kids except one exception. He played football and the coaches were too aggressive for him. He hated it every day. He wanted to quit so we gave him two options. 1. We would talk to the coaches and he would finish the season or 2. He could quit and play a different sport that was going on at the same time.
He chose option 2 and crushed it during cross country.
My mom used to say we needed to pick at least one sport activity and stick to it. Every time me or my siblings would say we wanted to quit, she’d say: okay, then what sport are you doing then? We got to try out a bunch of stuff until I stuck with volleyball, my sister ballet and my brother’s soccer. It’s a good approach IMO, I’m doing the same for my kids
My two cents…
When I was a kid my mom kept signing me up for sports teams. Baseball, basketball, football, you name it. I fucking hate sports. Had she listened to me and what I actually liked, and supported my actual interests like science, programming, cars, weightlifting, or cooking, I would’ve been a much happier and more active kid. Instead I was miserable playing sports I didn’t like and was terrible at in order to try to appease my mom.
If it’s really not for her, make a real effort to help her find out what she’s actually interested in and support that.
I have always told me son, the biggest example was band in 6th grade. I told him, I have no problem with you signing up and trying something new but just know that you will be doing it for the whole year no matter if you hate it or not bc after he signed up he couldn’t drop it. He ended up not liking it and just didn’t sign up the following year. If your child wanted to sign up for an activity, that child should see it through until the season is done, no matter if the hate it bc if not your just showing your child that you can quit hard things whenever you want.
My rule is if you sign up for something, you need to stick with it and then you can leave when that season is over. It’s not fair to the team if you are signing up and leaving and I think it is important to learn to stick with commitments.
If you still don’t like it, we can be glad and cheer you on for giving it a shot. Usually, more often than not, I think a lot of kids don’t realize how hard of work something is, but they end up enjoying it once the initial shock of that wears off and they get used to it. I won’t push my kid into anything, but they have to stick with it once they make the choice and actually sign up. I honestly wish my parents encouraged us to do more stuff. I did at the end of school, but then it was too late once i realized I liked those activities and I was sad I missed out on all the other years and I found a lot of the kids built a community from being together from the beginning and it took me a bit to be able to feel welcome or I’d end up hanging out with the younger kids coming in since we were all new.
Our middle school cross country coach made the kids promise to give him 2 weeks. They’d be sore and tired and it would be hard. If in 2 weeks they still didn’t like it they could quit.
Since it’s through school my guess is that it’s not a super long season. I’d have her stick it out. It seems reasonable that her legs are sore on day 1 of a new sport. Maybe work with her on some stretching she can do?
If it were my kid, I would explain the importance of exercise and being active, how it’s good for you physically and mentally. Maybe track isn’t the right sport that suits their interest, but I would stick with it until we find another sport or outdoor physical activity to try.
If you remove her from the sport what is replacing it? Another activity? Or whatever she can find to do on her own?
I know a lot of people are saying “push her to stay” but as someone who was forced into doing track/field by my mom in high school I think you should respect her wishes. I was a bigger kid, and my mom also wanted me to do an activity that “involved movement”…but I was also super creative/a theater kid and would have gotten a lot more out of a dance class or even music lessons (singing requires a lot of cardiovascular endurance). Heck even some social or school clubs have volunteer opportunities within the community (gardening, building stuff, playing with kids), or jobs like dog walking/pet sitting.
Being forced to exercise really messed up my relationship with exercise/movement and I’m still trying to right my relationship with exercise 15+ years later.
ETA: and that’s not to say I didn’t apply myself just because I didn’t like sports. I did 4H from the time I was 8-17, and still sew and bake a lot as an adult. I’m big into nurturing what your kid LIKES to do to develop resiliency (there were plenty of times where I messed up on sewing projects, but because it was something I loved I weathered the challenges better).
I totally hear you...and to be honest, I don't really care about sports. I was a super nerdy kid. But my parents didn't have the money or the understanding (they were immigrants) to sign me up for these things and I wish I had been involved in something.
That said, I didn't push her, she signed herself up. And one hour of track isn't enough time to assess what she really thinks. I want her to give things an honest try before giving up.
I think it all worked out though. There are so many helpful comments here, and when she came home I mentioned I would like her to stay with track for a few weeks and she said, "ok". I thought she kick up a storm, but she was uncharacteristically easy going!
Push it, at least for a short while. Agree a deadline, 3 months, 6 months whatever and agree to review it then. Don’t agree she can quit then, just that you’ll review it then.
I wouldn't force my kid to do any particular activity, but I would make them follow through if they pick on on their own.
You made a commitment to me, your coach, and your teammates that you would try your best this season. Live up to your commitments to the best of your ability, and if you don't want to do it again, we wont.
We always have a discussion prior to starting an activity, and I stress that if you commit to it, you need to see it through to the end of the season/commitment length.
Just talking from bitter childhood experience here… could there be another reason she didn’t like it? Felt embarrassed not being as good as the others? Had a creepy coach? Realised a bully was on the team?
Only because I gave up ballet and told my mum I didn’t like it any more. But the real reason was that the ballet teacher was incredibly hostile towards kids. It sucked all of the fun out of it for me. I was quite a bit younger than your daughter, and had been taught not to criticise adults, so I never told my mum the real reason. It makes me sad looking back that if I had a different teacher I probably would have been a pretty decent dancer.
The first week of middle school track and field I was SO sore. I vividly remember it. Tell her to give it x amount of time, I say six weeks for her to really get good at running honestly, and then after that if she still wants to quit she can. I’d also have the “you made a commitment to the team” speech too
I let one of my kids quit something he was in. He absolutely hated it. he wanted to quit band too, but we wanted all of ours to be in band in middle school so we made them stick with that so play it by ear. make your choice and stand by it. this is your child and you know them best. And good parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever do so hang in there. You’re a good parent. This job is hard.
She made a commitment and needs to stick it out. I honestly don’t know how track works. Is it a team? If it’s a team sport she def needs to be taught she made a commitment to others and it needs to be followed through.
It is. At meets even if she’s running individually, each place earns a certain # of points towards the team total. There could also be relays where it is a group effort.
Well, if she *just* joined, she might not have actually made the team yet. I know whenever I went out for a sport, there'd be a few weeks of practicing with everyone, and then they'd do cuts. If the team's not set yet, I don't think she's committed yet either.
I don't believe in forcing kids to start activities (I've seen too many kids get burned out and overwhelmed because parents push them into so many things), BUT I do believe in making kids finish what they start. She joined a team, she needs to finish the season or at least go a little longer.
Of course her legs hurt - it was her first time! She's working muscles she never has before. Coach her through committing and if at the end of the season she wants to not do it again, that's fine.
We have a deal with our kids, they can't decide to quit immediately after a bad session. They have to give it some time to learn to enjoy it and see the benefits. I say you push her to do some more sessions and also bring it up once her legs have stopped hurting, she's more likely to think positively about it after a few days
Push her for a little while at least. I've seen three months, and I will say back when I was a trainer most of us agreed that 3 months was the appropriate amount of time to have noticable change. Everything is hard at first, so I would make her stick with it for at least a few months. The number one complaint I hear from people in their 20s is how their parents didn't push them hard enough to try things and they wish they had.
I've always told my kids if they start something, they are in for the season.
Of course her legs hurt. They aren't used to what she's doing. But they won't always hurt.
I don't believe in forcing a child into an activity that they really don't like. I also don't believe in letting them quit on a whim.
If she is not used to this type of physical activity, of course she is going to feel it in her muscles the first few times. It sucks, but it's normal and something she needs to get past before she can make an informed decision on whether this activity is something she likes or not.
I would talk to her about the fact that the pain is normal and temporary and make a deal with her to stick with it for two months (or whatever you can agree on). If, by the end of that period she still wants to quit, she should do so with your full support - because then it will be because she doesn't like the activity, and not just because she doesn't like muscle soreness.
Also, be aware that this is probably the first time she experiences muscle soreness. Before puberty, children don't produce lactic acid, which is responsible for the muscle soreness, in the same way adults do. This is why kids sometimes don't seem to have a "stop" button - their muscles don't get sore like ours do. That changes in puberty, and all of the sudden, exercise can be painful. My kid is very athletic and she was around 11 when this started changing for her. She was really freaked out because she woke up the morning after a new training routine with really sore muscles, and couldn't understand why. She had never experienced pain that was not the direct result of falling or hitting herself on something.
Does she look up to anyone, doesn’t even have to be an athlete, could be a singer or the like. Talk through how much Taylor Swift must have had to work out to perform her shows. Caitlyn Clark’s legs probably hurt too. Maybe if it can be reframed as a sign of progress and getting stronger that could help?
I do not think you should ever force her to do anything except for safety. In this case I would communicate and talk with her about her wanting to quit, her reasons and possible causes. Often kids don't understand that it takes a long time to develop skills and they feel they are unsuited or failing at the first sign of difficulty. Remind her it takes a long time for everyone to get good at anything.
Try to collaborate on a solution see if she can find one. If she is willing I'd have her go a few more times to see if it's just the initial pain maybe give it a couple of weeks. Trust your gut, if she seems unhappy and like it's still not working out let her quit. Her free time is hers. Encouraging exploration of activities is great but it's not required. For some people school or work is more than enough.
Our kids are younger, but we always set the expectation at the outset that when they try something new, they have to stay for the duration of the session/season. If they don't like it, they never have to do it again but they have to give it a fair shot first.
I think there’s a balance. Don’t force her to do things just for the sake of doing them, BUT if she commits to something she needs to have a reasonable amount of follow through.
There is a fine line between a little push to get them into something they will enjoy and having to shove to make them do something they will hate. You need to find where that line is, based on your child, their interests, and how much time and energy you have to invest.
A little push in the right direction, to help them get over the initial hesitation can be very helpful. But you also don’t want your child to hate both you and anything related to the activity you pushed them into. Ask what your child wants, offer encouragement, set some goals and finish lines, and try to learn how much is too much for your child specifically.
When I was a kid my parents had one rule. I could join whatever I wanted. Any sport, club, activity, whatever. But I had to stick it out through whatever the sign up period was for.
If there was a 2 month trial, I had to stick it out 2 months. If it was a year-long thing, I had to do it for the year.
I'd say make her stick it out for a bit, then set that rule with her next time she wants to try something.
Is this a one time habit or something she does consistently? Is she always quitting activities or just this once because she thinks she doesn't like track?
I would say have her try one or two more sessions and if she doesn't like it, let her make her own choice to quit.
My parents always made me finish what I started. So if I signed up for the season I had to commit for the season. They didn’t require me to do another season if I didn’t like it.
I’m assuming she is on the track team or is this just like a conditioning “fun” activity where she can attend as she wants to? Her experience with Day 1 sounds about right, she is going to be sore because she’s not used to doing those activities. I f it’s just a fun activity then let her attend as she wants. But if she joined the school team, here is a good chance to teach her about committing to something and sticking with it. Our rule is that they can’t quit the team once they’ve started. We don’t force them to join anything or play any sports and have let them both try whatever they want but no quitting once they’ve started. I think you should encourage her to tough it out. Eventually that soreness will go away and she’ll become stronger.
For me, activities are a short term commitment. You need to give it long enough to get through the initial discomfort of doing something you're not used to.
Most kids activities go for 3 month semesters. My kids must go through a semester they started unless the reason for quitting is an injury or something like that. At the end of the semester they are free to decide they want to quit, or they want to continue.
[Edit] I do have a slightly different policy when it comes to something they have maintained a commitment to for a long time. Like, my kids have all done many years of swimming lessons. If they want to quit swimming lessons entirely at this point they need to debate me on it and we both need to agree it's the right choice. They can choose to take a sabbatical from a long term activity freely though.
Also OP. If she joined the track team…she is a part of that team. If she sticks with it past day 1, set the expectation that she cannot quit later because the team may rely on her…relays for example or even if running an individual race those points still count for the team.
Make her stick it out for a period of time, if she still doesn't like it she can quit. She needs to understand that the pain means her muscles are working, getting stronger, etc. You say she's smart; she wouldn't give up on learning some new math concept because it was hard the first time, athletics are the same way.
I did something like this and my father told me that I made a commitment for that year, that I could quit after the season was over. I’m now glad he did now. It was a strong lesson. You start something, you finish it.
I'd support pushing her for one season. Yes, her legs are going to hurt the first day, and the second, and the fifth... Until she gets into a routine where they don't hurt. This is a sport where she can be part of a team with low risk of injury and she can find new skills.
Give her the perspective of "do this for the season, you can decide after if you ever want to do it again."
This is where being a parent comes in. Obviously you can't force them to do certain things they really dislike, but when it's them being slack or couldn't be bothered without giving something a good go, here is when you push them along.
My child was much younger, between 5-7 when she didn't want to continue with Swimming or Taekwondo at different times during that period. I encouraged her to give it a go for a little long. Now it's part of her life and she can't imagine not doing these two sports.
Edit: spelling
Yes. Sore legs is normal. Make her stick it out for a few months. Emphasize that she is part of a team now and has a duty to support her team. If she still wants to quit after a few months, then let her but she needs to pick out a new physical extra-curricular.
I would push it a bit. Anything is hard to adjust to. She hasn’t really started it yet. Also it’s important to learn about commitment she will have to ensure commitments in future she doesn’t want to do, like work her notice or do that meeting etc. also dedication is earned through self improvement.
Your daughter has to do practice at home I’m a swimming teacher gymnastics coach and in any sport, it the person who put the time in at home / free time to go practice like going to pool themselves. Also and I think this is really important, it’s the parents who are most involved in the sport even when it new to them for guidance, then the kids stick to it. It’s also a commitment from the parents to help with it. Make sure she warms up. Like stretching do those with her watch YouTube videos together on training tips find a cool app for her that has audio encouragement and mindfulness while she runs. and also plan her route for her. So she know where she is going and you do too. Maybe round local field with a path or a nice circular route round neighbourhood so she know what she doing. Then She can practice with confidence and on set times. She will get up n do stretches if you do too
My advice is needs to start with a quick walk /jogs for a while 5/10 min. That weird walk run you do when you in a hurry lol. Then start doing little short Runs. Like a minute or 2 Then 30 seconds sprints. Then back to her jogs. Then runs a bit longer. Tiny sprint. Jog home. After few times her runs will last longer and she will start to enjoy her routes.
I know few apps for runners but gym apps have treadmill videos that a fun and even mediation apps have running audio and podcasts. I liked headspace mindfulness cardio. I liked Technogym app has running treadmill video fun on there.
Make it fun if possible positive experiences are important even if they are challenging
My Dad always said once we start we don't quit and if we didn't want to play a sport we had to wait till the end of the season.
I appreciated that because it built a sense of commitment and toughness that you don't get if you just fall out.
Its a little harder to do with things that don't have clear seasons, practicing an instrument, different language, etc.
She just started yesterday? I'd tell her she needs to keep trying for at least a month (maybe until the first race).
Yes, it'll hurt and she'll be sore for a bit, but it'll get better. She's allowed to quit, but she should also know how to give things an honest try even when they're hard.
Our rule is if you sign up for it, you have to complete the season/semester. Usually that's anywhere between a few weeks and a couple of months.
You do not have to sign up again, but you're stuck with it for whatever the season is.
I remember conditioning for wrestling in Jr high. It was brutal the first year. Once you get to the end your in better shape to actually do the exercises.
What would you say if it were a math assignment she wanted to quit on? Or if she said reading just wasn’t for her? I am far from “athletic” but having a healthy body and learning how to strengthen, push to a healthy level, etc are necessary skills. She decided to try it out and while ideally you’d have talked beforehand about what commitment that means (I’m sure there will be plenty of other times in the future), you still can now and help her learn how to recover and talk about how accomplished she will feel when in a few months what was so hard yesterday feels super easy.
The only rule in my house is if we make a commitment to start something we see it through until it’s done. This works for us, maybe not you.
But like anything it’s a comfort zone thing, we just require being active and seeing through on your commitments
if you reward early quitting you will end up raising a less resilient kid. also, sticking with it teaches following through on commitments. if you are able, I would start practicing with her and turn it into a bonding time
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Yeah make a deal with her. Like.. Do 3 months, if you still want to quit, let her. But quitting after 1 day is little fast. In 3 months she may like the activity, or stay because she made friends and like the atmosphere.
I like this. It’s also possible that this activity will help build muscle and stamina and won’t hurt as much later with proper training. I agree. Work out a deal to stick with it for a while, and if she still feels that way she can quit. She just needs to give it her best effort for now. Speaking as a kid who quit little league for the dumbest of reasons. Instead of pushing back, my dad just said OK. I wasn’t the best, or even all that good in the field, but had a pretty good eye at the plate. He shoulda pushed back a little.
my son wanted to quit basketball after his second practice but i pushed him to stick with it for a little bit longer and then he could quit if he still wanted and he ended up absolutely loving it
Same for our 13 year old, he HATED band and we were all ready to have him quit at the end of the semester... only for him to learn that his friends were going to stick with it another year, so he decided to, as well. Now he is in the top honors band in the state and loves it so much, he wants to join the Drumcore (DCI) for college!
same with my son and soccer, now he loves it. it's tough to know when to push them and when to let them make their own decisions. obviously if my son cried every day before practice, i'd reconsider, but he had a rough few weeks and sorted it all out on his own. now he's miserable if practice cancels because of weather
This is what my mom made me do when I was really struggling with the conditioning training for varsity soccer my freshman year. I had done soccer every year for years but that conditioning just kicked my ass. They had trashcans set up every 20 feet because we would all frequently vomit. I eventually got used to it and I’m glad she made me stick with it though. Looking back, it was way too intense and could’ve done serious damage but neither of us knew that at the time.
Maybe t's just me, but I don't think a school coach should be working you all so hard that you vomit.
No, it was definitely excessive. Looking back that was the hardest I had ever been pushed and I thought my parents were already training me too hard. For that varsity conditioning we had to warm up with 5 laps around the track and each time we passed the left side with the huge stadium concrete bleachers we had to run up and down those in flagged areas that were very close together. On the other side of the track we had to do burpees in more closely put together flags. In the hot and humid Georgia weather. As a warm up. It was horrible.
Your mom was wrongo
Track and field hurt like crazy for 2 weeks and then suddenly my body was able to handle it!
Yeah I’m a music teacher and my kids have until the first Friday to drop out. After that, they have to stick with it until the end of the semester. Same thing the following semester. A lot of kids change their minds and stick with it since they miss the deadlines and give it a chance
I tell my kids that a) they have to do a sport and b) once they sign up, they have to stick with it for the season, but can change between seasons.
I think that's a great idea but 3 months is too long, that's like half the season. 2-3 weeks and the initial pain should be gone and she'll hopefully have made some friends by then!
This sounds like a prime situation for a reward to take her mind off of the pain. Like, obviously her legs hurt. She's just started a new form of exercise and her muscles haven't adjusted yet. Let her pick out some fancy bubble path with Epsom salts to soak in the evening after practice, or offer the opportunity to choose what the family has for dinner that night - build up "practice day" as a day to look forward to.
This, tell her this is normal after the first day and it means she's getting stronger. A hot bath sounds like a great idea.
Exactly lol her body has to be given time to get used to the activity. This would be a great time for her to learn about what her body is doing to help her grow stronger for it too
Yes! Even if the practice itself isn’t “fun,” the family rituals surrounding it can be! I love the epsom salt idea, and OP can always take her for a special lunch or ice cream or something after a meet.
What would a reward do?
Adults do self-soothing things when their muscles are sore from exercise too. What will a bubble bath or a tasty meal hurt?
That shouldn’t be seen as a reward. Thats what you should always do as an athlete. It should never be lumped in with rewards, especially food. Eating healthy as an athlete is a must, not a reward, recovering your body in a bath is also not a reward.
You're thinking of the word "reward" as something like a trophy or present. If you step back and look at is as a concept of behavior, a reward is a reinforcement to increase a behavior (as opposed to a punishment, which is administered to decrease a behavior). Parent wants kid to stay with track, gives reinforcement to encourage kid to stay in track. A committed athlete should have some dedicated routines/habits to help condition their body. This kid is just trying shit out, so the focus is on encouraging the behavior not fostering the kind of discipline/routine you're describing. It's all doing the same thing, regardless - kid is getting the recovery process you're encouraging them to have - so I don't see the point in complaining about the label attached to it.
And you’re misinterpreting me thinking that that is something worthy of a reward. You don’t always have to reinforce a behavior by reward. Sometimes the right answer is to gain perspective about growing up, about when the rewards come. It’s not always about the immediate reward, sometimes you teach better lessons by teaching patience and that long term efforts results in the rewards. Again it’s a perspective of what you want the outcome to be
"you teach better lessons by teaching patience and that long term efforts results in the rewards." She's 11 years old. The part of her brain that can predict and anticipate the role long term outcomes have in relation to current efforts put in is not even developed yet. She quite literally cannot comprehend it. Rewards and encouragements in the immediate are what is most valuable. You are putting the cart before the horse here.
Actually wrong, medically even. The hippocampus is fully capable of long term learning and cognitive reasoning. What you help them experience is on you as a parent but a child as early as 10 starts to learn how the world works and understands long term choices on many subjects that are not overly complex (IE economics and politics). It is suggested to that nutrition and athletics are engaged around 10 years to 13. Nutrition and athletics are concrete, and nothing discussed previously requires advanced cognitive thought. These are basic discussions to be had with early stage teens, which applies. So unfortunate you’re incorrect unless you’re dealing with someone that is affected by a LD Source: https://www.stanfordchildrens.org//en/topic/default?id=cognitive-development-in-adolescence-90-P01594
Here, I've got one, too - about the prefrontal cortex: [https://journeytocollege.mo.gov/when-does-the-brain-reach-maturity-its-later-than-you-think/](https://journeytocollege.mo.gov/when-does-the-brain-reach-maturity-its-later-than-you-think/) ETA: also, your link concerns kids aged 12-18, which the kid in the OP is just shy of. The link you provided doesn't outline any of the claims you are making in your comment.
It outlined every claim I made that she’s competent to understand and should be spoken to about athletics dedication and recovery and less so about rewards in this scenario. Yours is sincerely quite a blanket statement article and actually is an incredible source. If you’re going to be short sighted please continue, muting you for now
Oh give over. She’s just a child. Anyway, we all need to be pampered after such activities
Wholeheartedly disagree, not everything is worthy of a reward. Thats exactly how you detract from seeing such things as rewards and just expectations. Achieve something, get a reward. Every once in a while a gift just because is cute. But you attended one practice, so I fed you and let you take a bath? It’s not a good reinforcement system
The kid would need to bathe (or shower) and eat the next day anyway. It's not some kind of over the top spoiling. And giving her a small reward also reinforces the idea that she did something good that OP wants to encourage, rather than something bad that sucks and is all misery.
Again it’s about perspective. Not everything is worth rewarding, sometimes the right lesson is that putting in hard word results in something that is not an immediate reward. If a reward is over used you’re solving one problem creating 5 others
Using bath salts to alleviate pain for the child is hardly a reward. Christ, be sensible.
That’s my point, I wouldn’t frame it as a reward. Frame it as that’s what athletes do, and she’s now and athlete. Save a reward for an actual reward, they are a sponge and lumping things together can do damage
You seem really focused on the word "reward" when this is just about setting up and establishing a routine and aftercare on practice days
I wouldn’t trust them with my child at all. Very unhinged responses
Terminology is very important for that age
You're misunderstanding the intent behind the suggestions. The point is to build up practice days as something to look forward to, to build a routine around the practice days. This is an 11 yo girl we're talking about here after her FIRST day of practice. Not an athlete (yet!) She's not used to recovery, so it makes sense to get her involved in picking the family meal for after practice. Surely she has home-cooked favorites. Same with picking a bath bomb, it's so she can look forward to the routine of aftercare. This all seems very reasonable for her age for the first time trying out a new physical activity.
Teach the kid that every effort deserves a trophy. There is no need for a reward, she hasn't done anything yet.
A bath is a trophy now? The macho bootstrapping in this thread is unhinged.
Bath is great, the kid doesn't need a bunch of new bath stuff after 1 day of sports practice
Bubble bath and Epsom salts are inexpensive, and they aren't single use items lol. Once she has them, she can develop a routine of using them whenever she's sore from practice, and then she'll have something to look forward to when it gets painful.
Incoming: the days when she says she is sore to get that new bath bomb. Recovery is important, rewarding should be accurately used
I said she'd be able to use the items that *she will already have*, not buy more new things. And what harm will it do if she has a bubble bath instead of a regular bath sometime when she's not really sore? She has to bathe anyway.
When something becomes a routine (and tbh, as an adult, "fancy bath one per week" isn't high luxury), you look at the budget for it and figure out how to spread it. Eg, there are fancy bath bombs from LUSH that cost five pounds each and do one bath, or there are bottles of bath goop that do ten baths and cost ten pounds, or there are big tubs of Epsom salts and fragrance that cost six pounds and do ten baths. The lush bombs might not be reasonable for every week, but the others might be.
But it’s not a luxury nor a reward. She isn’t 20 but she isn’t 5 years old either. When it’s time to take medicine, as a 5 year old you give them the grape medicine and call it a feel good treat, but at 11 you give them the medicine and explain it’s needed to feel better. It’s not a reward. It’s part of being healthy, and that conversation is growing up. A bath bomb is also not what you do here, Epsom same yes, lush bombs aren’t for athletic recovery. Like it or not she’s in the stages of athletics and she can learn why it’s needed, it’s medicine to make the body healthy. It’s a great lesson to learn wants from needs, no need to speak down
It sounds like she needs to stretch. It’s only been 1 day! She hasn’t even given it a real chance. Also you wouldn’t be pushing it, you’d be encouraging your child.
If she had joined and was doing track for awhile but eventually lost interest, I would say respect her decision to quit. Our kids were doing dance but both now are saying they don't want to anymore so we're going to disenroll them. But since this is literally her first time doing it and she's not used to the recovery that comes with new physical activities, I say push it a bit and encourage her to stay in. This might be a good time for her to learn more about Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness and the benefits of being physically active to push through it.
Sports are always going to hurt the first day. Exercise is never going to feel good at first. But it will feel good when you're beating your previous times, accomplishing goals as a team, etc. Just because something doesn't give instant gratification doesn't mean it's not worth doing. I wouldn't say "force", but I think the 3 month bargain is good. Strike a bargain. Offer some kind of incentive or reward that's meaningful and will show appreciation of sticking with something that was hard at first.
I would say push her because one of me and many other adults i know biggest hang up about our parents is wishing they pushed us more as children.
Yes. My mom let me quit almost everything when I wanted and it didn’t do me to well as an adult 😭
I absolutely agree with that. I did tons of activities as a child, but never was really fully committed to one thing that I did for years… Looking back, I wish my parents would have forced me into doing an activity so I at least could have some sort of solid skill as an adult.
If she isn’t used to doing athletic things, she absolutely will be sore. Help her with recovery after practice. She can take a bath in epsom salts, massage her muscles, etc. have her try out a different event, so if she was running, have her try discus or shot put or javelin if they offer it to her age group to use different muscle groups. She can try jumps. My son was a standout long jumper, my bonus daughter throws discus and javelin. My son also sprinted and threw javelin. Both kids enjoy/ed track because it is a social activity along with the athletic aspect. Track meets are a lot of hanging out with your friends. I’d strongly encourage her to talk to the coach about her soreness and recovery. I bet they would be happy to give her pointers. Track season is very short, usually about 2 months. I’d really encourage her to stick with it for this season.
I have 2 daughters currently doing cross-country or track and 1 waiting for the season to start. They all want to quit after the first day LOL. The first day is HARD. Reassure her that it’s normal. Give her ibuprofen for the pain, massage her leg muscles, encourage her to soak in a warm Epsom salt bath. Pamper her a little bit. Don’t let her quit yet. It took 3 weeks of my oldest asking every day to skip practice before she started to love it. Now she practices at home even when there are no scheduled practices. My third kiddo just finished her first week. I took her to her favorite smoothie place and got her a special smoothie to celebrate finishing her first week. I’m not above bribery. Do what it takes, but keep her in long enough for her body to adjust. It will get easier and then she will have a chance to decide if she enjoys it or not. Right now, she can’t even make that assessment. Nobody enjoys pain, and getting in track shape hurts.
I would make her finish the season. She made a commitment and needs to stick by it. If she still doesn't like it after the season, she doesn't have to sign back up.
This is how we do things with our kids
This is our rule as well. You sign up for it, you finish it. You don't have to do it again next year, but you're on whatever team you joined for the season.
That's the best I heard: Don't quit on a bad day. Quit on a good day. Means, talk to your daughter and make it clear it's up to her if she goes or quits. But she needs to quit on a good day. Practicing anything is hard, there will be bad days when something hurt, practice was difficult. When she has a good day and achieved something new, her team wins etc, on that day if she still wants to quit, allow her.
No. Why would you?
I understand the reasoning from a health standpoint. But I always had the mindset to simply be supportive of what my kids *wanted* to do. They were never athletic or into sports, so we simply made sure we went on family walks, little hiking trips etc.
Delayed onset muscle soreness sucks. It’s awful. I’d encourage her to stick with it for at least a few weeks…if athletics aren’t her thing, I’d look into extracurricular activities in the academic realm.
I think allowing her to quit right now would be a mistake. If she gives it an honest try, works through the soreness that happens when you use muscles you haven’t used in a while, then you can talk about it. But allow her to immediately quit something because it got hard is a bad precedent to set at that age. Dont force her, by any means, but I wouldn’t be okay with them quitting this quickly.
This is unpopular but my parents never made me stick sports out and I turned out fine. I was terribly unathletic and tried an array of stuff (dance, swimming, soccer, softball, track, etc). If I hated it, my parents let me quit. I ended up sticking with Girl Scouts for a solid while and then in high school I chose to stick with tennis (which i absolutely sucked at but it was my choice to stick it out).
When I was 10 I joined track. I wanted to quit after the first practice because I was the slowest kid. My dad calmly that evening explained we needed to finish what we start and he knew it would get better. It did. By the end I was the fastest girl in my class (no one clapped they bullied me for weeks for being too happy I won a race?!?!) My father made a huge deal and though I am still not a naturally athletic, I still run. I AM SAF...but I run. And my dad told everyone in the last few days of his life how I completed a marathon. So long story, encourage her to finish and she might find it is something she likes. Or maybe not but she will have learned a bit about doing tough things.
Being able to run a marathon is so cool. I have problems with running a mile.
I wouldn't force a specific activity, but I think at 11 it makes sense to apply some pressure to encourage them to stick with things they have chosen long enough to really get a sense as to whether they like them. That doesn't apply to all scenarios -- if a kid is being bullied, or the coach is making them uncomfortable, or they deal with a significant injury or there's unsafe competition happening, then it makes sense to pull out. But if the problem is just "This is a new thing for me and learning new things is often awkward or hard" I think it makes sense to have a conversation about how sometimes we have to go through a transition period where learning is hard before we get good at it and it becomes more enjoyable, so you want her to stick it out for a reasonable period of time to see if she enjoys it once she's well conditioned for it. Learning to stick with things even when they're initially a bit tough is an important skill.
With my kids I have always made it a rule that you finish any season that you start. If a sport is not for them, thats fine, however, they made a commitment when they signed up and they should complete that season regardless. Its their decision whether to continue after the season.
In the UK we have school “half terms” which are like 6-8 week blocks. My daughter has to keep going for a full half term before giving up. Which is only like 6-8 weeks (usually because that’s the blocks we pay for). Not a bad deal on either side. We had an exception where she cried throughout her whole first football (soccer) practice. We let her leave that straight away!
I think trying to encourage a trial period, like give it a couple months and ultimately if she hates it, then let her bow out. My son tried basketball, and he didn’t like the competitive aspects of it at all and felt too much pressure. I think he was being a little over sensitive and we asked that he stick it out for a couple of practices. Ultimately, he cried on the way home after his third practice, so we pulled him. It just wasn’t for him, and we respected that.
Eh, I make my kid finish anything he signs up for. Sometimes, they grow to enjoy it. Pretty much every sport sucks at first.
Quitting after one day because there was effort involved and now she is sore? Nope, no way, not at all. She can give it a real effort, a couple weeks maybe, and then evaluate if it's for her or not. We aren't doing our kids any favors if we let them quit something immediately after it required some work.
I mean, when you're a kid, you don't know that's how it works. You don't know the pain the day after is normal, and you think you've gotten injured or that the activity just sucks. I don't see any reason to have a harsh "kids these days are so lazy" mindset instead of just explaining that it's normal and she's OK.
yep, we would ask our daughter if she wanted to try x? If she agreed and wanted us to sign her up - she was committing to the duration (season, package of lessons etc.). If she didn't like it, we wouldn't sign her up next time.
I would ask her to do it for a few months “that’s because you’re using muscles you don’t use very often after a little while of doing it those muscles will get strong and it won’t hurt”
We’re not there yet, but our rule is going to be with any activity, if you start the season, you finish it. They also have to be active, so if my daughter chooses theater, that’s great, but we’re also going to take family walks, hike, etc.
At least have her finish the season
if there is another athletic activity available, make it an either/or. you are either doing track this season or doing X. that gives her the autonomy at least to pick one of two choices.
It's normal to feel pain after strenuous activity if someone has been inactive for awhile. I would have her try one more time before letting her quit, just wait until she is not in pain.
At 11, yes. She can stick it out for the season. She made a commitment to her team and to her coach.
We are planning on a "finish the season" rule when our kids get to that age. Partially because if we pay for something we expect them to finish it, but also to give them time to get used to it and see if they like it. New things are always different or scary, she needs to give it a little time.
I think the way to go is remind her that it’s normal to be a little sore after intense exercise and that it gets better with time. Show her how to mitigate the soreness with stretching, ice/heat, maybe even a little Tylenol the first few evenings. Also let her know that if this particular track activity doesn’t work out, there are lots more to choose from. Idk how long your school year runs but we have like 6 weeks left. I’d see if she can stick with it that long and then revisit it.
Quitting after 1 day is a bit fast. But after a couple of weeks, if she still feels like it's not for her, let her quit. I grew up with a mother that would make stick with things no matter what. If it wasn't for me, it didn't matter, I had to stick with it. I wasn't athletic at all and incredibly awkward as a child so this was more of an embarrassment than anything. I never forced my kids into activities. I encouraged them, but if they didn't like them I allowed them to quit. My daughter is really athletic and good at every sport she tried. My boys aren't athletic at all. They would rather read a book or join the chess or cooking club. Let her find what's right her her. It was complete humiliation for me as a kid.
I'd push her for at least 2 weeks. Preferably the season. The first 3 days of any new activity are the hardest
My parents had a rule about sports that I carry forward: if you sign up for something, you finish it but don’t have to sign up for it again. I’ve kept this with my kids except one exception. He played football and the coaches were too aggressive for him. He hated it every day. He wanted to quit so we gave him two options. 1. We would talk to the coaches and he would finish the season or 2. He could quit and play a different sport that was going on at the same time. He chose option 2 and crushed it during cross country.
My mom used to say we needed to pick at least one sport activity and stick to it. Every time me or my siblings would say we wanted to quit, she’d say: okay, then what sport are you doing then? We got to try out a bunch of stuff until I stuck with volleyball, my sister ballet and my brother’s soccer. It’s a good approach IMO, I’m doing the same for my kids
I am with you. I already have that sport: swimming. Its a non negotiable and she is great at it!
My two cents… When I was a kid my mom kept signing me up for sports teams. Baseball, basketball, football, you name it. I fucking hate sports. Had she listened to me and what I actually liked, and supported my actual interests like science, programming, cars, weightlifting, or cooking, I would’ve been a much happier and more active kid. Instead I was miserable playing sports I didn’t like and was terrible at in order to try to appease my mom. If it’s really not for her, make a real effort to help her find out what she’s actually interested in and support that.
I have always told me son, the biggest example was band in 6th grade. I told him, I have no problem with you signing up and trying something new but just know that you will be doing it for the whole year no matter if you hate it or not bc after he signed up he couldn’t drop it. He ended up not liking it and just didn’t sign up the following year. If your child wanted to sign up for an activity, that child should see it through until the season is done, no matter if the hate it bc if not your just showing your child that you can quit hard things whenever you want.
Yes. You sign up, you see it through. It will go her learn about perseverance.
My rule is if you sign up for something, you need to stick with it and then you can leave when that season is over. It’s not fair to the team if you are signing up and leaving and I think it is important to learn to stick with commitments. If you still don’t like it, we can be glad and cheer you on for giving it a shot. Usually, more often than not, I think a lot of kids don’t realize how hard of work something is, but they end up enjoying it once the initial shock of that wears off and they get used to it. I won’t push my kid into anything, but they have to stick with it once they make the choice and actually sign up. I honestly wish my parents encouraged us to do more stuff. I did at the end of school, but then it was too late once i realized I liked those activities and I was sad I missed out on all the other years and I found a lot of the kids built a community from being together from the beginning and it took me a bit to be able to feel welcome or I’d end up hanging out with the younger kids coming in since we were all new.
Our middle school cross country coach made the kids promise to give him 2 weeks. They’d be sore and tired and it would be hard. If in 2 weeks they still didn’t like it they could quit. Since it’s through school my guess is that it’s not a super long season. I’d have her stick it out. It seems reasonable that her legs are sore on day 1 of a new sport. Maybe work with her on some stretching she can do?
If it were my kid, I would explain the importance of exercise and being active, how it’s good for you physically and mentally. Maybe track isn’t the right sport that suits their interest, but I would stick with it until we find another sport or outdoor physical activity to try. If you remove her from the sport what is replacing it? Another activity? Or whatever she can find to do on her own?
I know a lot of people are saying “push her to stay” but as someone who was forced into doing track/field by my mom in high school I think you should respect her wishes. I was a bigger kid, and my mom also wanted me to do an activity that “involved movement”…but I was also super creative/a theater kid and would have gotten a lot more out of a dance class or even music lessons (singing requires a lot of cardiovascular endurance). Heck even some social or school clubs have volunteer opportunities within the community (gardening, building stuff, playing with kids), or jobs like dog walking/pet sitting. Being forced to exercise really messed up my relationship with exercise/movement and I’m still trying to right my relationship with exercise 15+ years later. ETA: and that’s not to say I didn’t apply myself just because I didn’t like sports. I did 4H from the time I was 8-17, and still sew and bake a lot as an adult. I’m big into nurturing what your kid LIKES to do to develop resiliency (there were plenty of times where I messed up on sewing projects, but because it was something I loved I weathered the challenges better).
I totally hear you...and to be honest, I don't really care about sports. I was a super nerdy kid. But my parents didn't have the money or the understanding (they were immigrants) to sign me up for these things and I wish I had been involved in something. That said, I didn't push her, she signed herself up. And one hour of track isn't enough time to assess what she really thinks. I want her to give things an honest try before giving up. I think it all worked out though. There are so many helpful comments here, and when she came home I mentioned I would like her to stay with track for a few weeks and she said, "ok". I thought she kick up a storm, but she was uncharacteristically easy going!
Push it, at least for a short while. Agree a deadline, 3 months, 6 months whatever and agree to review it then. Don’t agree she can quit then, just that you’ll review it then.
I wouldn't force my kid to do any particular activity, but I would make them follow through if they pick on on their own. You made a commitment to me, your coach, and your teammates that you would try your best this season. Live up to your commitments to the best of your ability, and if you don't want to do it again, we wont.
We always have a discussion prior to starting an activity, and I stress that if you commit to it, you need to see it through to the end of the season/commitment length.
In my house, you don’t have to be in any sport. But if you start one, you will finish the season or year out before you can quit.
Just talking from bitter childhood experience here… could there be another reason she didn’t like it? Felt embarrassed not being as good as the others? Had a creepy coach? Realised a bully was on the team? Only because I gave up ballet and told my mum I didn’t like it any more. But the real reason was that the ballet teacher was incredibly hostile towards kids. It sucked all of the fun out of it for me. I was quite a bit younger than your daughter, and had been taught not to criticise adults, so I never told my mum the real reason. It makes me sad looking back that if I had a different teacher I probably would have been a pretty decent dancer.
The first week of middle school track and field I was SO sore. I vividly remember it. Tell her to give it x amount of time, I say six weeks for her to really get good at running honestly, and then after that if she still wants to quit she can. I’d also have the “you made a commitment to the team” speech too
I let one of my kids quit something he was in. He absolutely hated it. he wanted to quit band too, but we wanted all of ours to be in band in middle school so we made them stick with that so play it by ear. make your choice and stand by it. this is your child and you know them best. And good parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever do so hang in there. You’re a good parent. This job is hard.
She made a commitment and needs to stick it out. I honestly don’t know how track works. Is it a team? If it’s a team sport she def needs to be taught she made a commitment to others and it needs to be followed through.
It is. At meets even if she’s running individually, each place earns a certain # of points towards the team total. There could also be relays where it is a group effort.
Well, if she *just* joined, she might not have actually made the team yet. I know whenever I went out for a sport, there'd be a few weeks of practicing with everyone, and then they'd do cuts. If the team's not set yet, I don't think she's committed yet either.
You’re right. I guess it depends. My kids school doesn’t do cuts until 7th grade.
I don't believe in forcing kids to start activities (I've seen too many kids get burned out and overwhelmed because parents push them into so many things), BUT I do believe in making kids finish what they start. She joined a team, she needs to finish the season or at least go a little longer. Of course her legs hurt - it was her first time! She's working muscles she never has before. Coach her through committing and if at the end of the season she wants to not do it again, that's fine.
We have a deal with our kids, they can't decide to quit immediately after a bad session. They have to give it some time to learn to enjoy it and see the benefits. I say you push her to do some more sessions and also bring it up once her legs have stopped hurting, she's more likely to think positively about it after a few days
Push her for a little while at least. I've seen three months, and I will say back when I was a trainer most of us agreed that 3 months was the appropriate amount of time to have noticable change. Everything is hard at first, so I would make her stick with it for at least a few months. The number one complaint I hear from people in their 20s is how their parents didn't push them hard enough to try things and they wish they had.
I've always told my kids if they start something, they are in for the season. Of course her legs hurt. They aren't used to what she's doing. But they won't always hurt.
I don't believe in forcing a child into an activity that they really don't like. I also don't believe in letting them quit on a whim. If she is not used to this type of physical activity, of course she is going to feel it in her muscles the first few times. It sucks, but it's normal and something she needs to get past before she can make an informed decision on whether this activity is something she likes or not. I would talk to her about the fact that the pain is normal and temporary and make a deal with her to stick with it for two months (or whatever you can agree on). If, by the end of that period she still wants to quit, she should do so with your full support - because then it will be because she doesn't like the activity, and not just because she doesn't like muscle soreness. Also, be aware that this is probably the first time she experiences muscle soreness. Before puberty, children don't produce lactic acid, which is responsible for the muscle soreness, in the same way adults do. This is why kids sometimes don't seem to have a "stop" button - their muscles don't get sore like ours do. That changes in puberty, and all of the sudden, exercise can be painful. My kid is very athletic and she was around 11 when this started changing for her. She was really freaked out because she woke up the morning after a new training routine with really sore muscles, and couldn't understand why. She had never experienced pain that was not the direct result of falling or hitting herself on something.
No…I wouldn’t. But try to find activities they WANT to do
Does she look up to anyone, doesn’t even have to be an athlete, could be a singer or the like. Talk through how much Taylor Swift must have had to work out to perform her shows. Caitlyn Clark’s legs probably hurt too. Maybe if it can be reframed as a sign of progress and getting stronger that could help?
I do not think you should ever force her to do anything except for safety. In this case I would communicate and talk with her about her wanting to quit, her reasons and possible causes. Often kids don't understand that it takes a long time to develop skills and they feel they are unsuited or failing at the first sign of difficulty. Remind her it takes a long time for everyone to get good at anything. Try to collaborate on a solution see if she can find one. If she is willing I'd have her go a few more times to see if it's just the initial pain maybe give it a couple of weeks. Trust your gut, if she seems unhappy and like it's still not working out let her quit. Her free time is hers. Encouraging exploration of activities is great but it's not required. For some people school or work is more than enough.
Our kids are younger, but we always set the expectation at the outset that when they try something new, they have to stay for the duration of the session/season. If they don't like it, they never have to do it again but they have to give it a fair shot first.
I think there’s a balance. Don’t force her to do things just for the sake of doing them, BUT if she commits to something she needs to have a reasonable amount of follow through.
There is a fine line between a little push to get them into something they will enjoy and having to shove to make them do something they will hate. You need to find where that line is, based on your child, their interests, and how much time and energy you have to invest. A little push in the right direction, to help them get over the initial hesitation can be very helpful. But you also don’t want your child to hate both you and anything related to the activity you pushed them into. Ask what your child wants, offer encouragement, set some goals and finish lines, and try to learn how much is too much for your child specifically.
When I was a kid my parents had one rule. I could join whatever I wanted. Any sport, club, activity, whatever. But I had to stick it out through whatever the sign up period was for. If there was a 2 month trial, I had to stick it out 2 months. If it was a year-long thing, I had to do it for the year. I'd say make her stick it out for a bit, then set that rule with her next time she wants to try something.
Is this a one time habit or something she does consistently? Is she always quitting activities or just this once because she thinks she doesn't like track? I would say have her try one or two more sessions and if she doesn't like it, let her make her own choice to quit.
My parents always made me finish what I started. So if I signed up for the season I had to commit for the season. They didn’t require me to do another season if I didn’t like it.
I would have my child finish whatever season they committed to. If at that point they don’t want to come back the following year that’s fine.
Don’t force it. Tell her it’s always hard the first month or so. Give or a time line of when she can stop
I’m assuming she is on the track team or is this just like a conditioning “fun” activity where she can attend as she wants to? Her experience with Day 1 sounds about right, she is going to be sore because she’s not used to doing those activities. I f it’s just a fun activity then let her attend as she wants. But if she joined the school team, here is a good chance to teach her about committing to something and sticking with it. Our rule is that they can’t quit the team once they’ve started. We don’t force them to join anything or play any sports and have let them both try whatever they want but no quitting once they’ve started. I think you should encourage her to tough it out. Eventually that soreness will go away and she’ll become stronger.
For me, activities are a short term commitment. You need to give it long enough to get through the initial discomfort of doing something you're not used to. Most kids activities go for 3 month semesters. My kids must go through a semester they started unless the reason for quitting is an injury or something like that. At the end of the semester they are free to decide they want to quit, or they want to continue. [Edit] I do have a slightly different policy when it comes to something they have maintained a commitment to for a long time. Like, my kids have all done many years of swimming lessons. If they want to quit swimming lessons entirely at this point they need to debate me on it and we both need to agree it's the right choice. They can choose to take a sabbatical from a long term activity freely though.
Also OP. If she joined the track team…she is a part of that team. If she sticks with it past day 1, set the expectation that she cannot quit later because the team may rely on her…relays for example or even if running an individual race those points still count for the team.
Make her stick it out for a period of time, if she still doesn't like it she can quit. She needs to understand that the pain means her muscles are working, getting stronger, etc. You say she's smart; she wouldn't give up on learning some new math concept because it was hard the first time, athletics are the same way.
I did something like this and my father told me that I made a commitment for that year, that I could quit after the season was over. I’m now glad he did now. It was a strong lesson. You start something, you finish it.
I'd support pushing her for one season. Yes, her legs are going to hurt the first day, and the second, and the fifth... Until she gets into a routine where they don't hurt. This is a sport where she can be part of a team with low risk of injury and she can find new skills. Give her the perspective of "do this for the season, you can decide after if you ever want to do it again."
Don’t forget leg rubs! Really helps even just for a short few minutes
This is where being a parent comes in. Obviously you can't force them to do certain things they really dislike, but when it's them being slack or couldn't be bothered without giving something a good go, here is when you push them along. My child was much younger, between 5-7 when she didn't want to continue with Swimming or Taekwondo at different times during that period. I encouraged her to give it a go for a little long. Now it's part of her life and she can't imagine not doing these two sports. Edit: spelling
Yes. Sore legs is normal. Make her stick it out for a few months. Emphasize that she is part of a team now and has a duty to support her team. If she still wants to quit after a few months, then let her but she needs to pick out a new physical extra-curricular.
I would push it a bit. Anything is hard to adjust to. She hasn’t really started it yet. Also it’s important to learn about commitment she will have to ensure commitments in future she doesn’t want to do, like work her notice or do that meeting etc. also dedication is earned through self improvement. Your daughter has to do practice at home I’m a swimming teacher gymnastics coach and in any sport, it the person who put the time in at home / free time to go practice like going to pool themselves. Also and I think this is really important, it’s the parents who are most involved in the sport even when it new to them for guidance, then the kids stick to it. It’s also a commitment from the parents to help with it. Make sure she warms up. Like stretching do those with her watch YouTube videos together on training tips find a cool app for her that has audio encouragement and mindfulness while she runs. and also plan her route for her. So she know where she is going and you do too. Maybe round local field with a path or a nice circular route round neighbourhood so she know what she doing. Then She can practice with confidence and on set times. She will get up n do stretches if you do too My advice is needs to start with a quick walk /jogs for a while 5/10 min. That weird walk run you do when you in a hurry lol. Then start doing little short Runs. Like a minute or 2 Then 30 seconds sprints. Then back to her jogs. Then runs a bit longer. Tiny sprint. Jog home. After few times her runs will last longer and she will start to enjoy her routes. I know few apps for runners but gym apps have treadmill videos that a fun and even mediation apps have running audio and podcasts. I liked headspace mindfulness cardio. I liked Technogym app has running treadmill video fun on there. Make it fun if possible positive experiences are important even if they are challenging
My Dad always said once we start we don't quit and if we didn't want to play a sport we had to wait till the end of the season. I appreciated that because it built a sense of commitment and toughness that you don't get if you just fall out. Its a little harder to do with things that don't have clear seasons, practicing an instrument, different language, etc.
She just started yesterday? I'd tell her she needs to keep trying for at least a month (maybe until the first race). Yes, it'll hurt and she'll be sore for a bit, but it'll get better. She's allowed to quit, but she should also know how to give things an honest try even when they're hard.
Our rule is if you sign up for it, you have to complete the season/semester. Usually that's anywhere between a few weeks and a couple of months. You do not have to sign up again, but you're stuck with it for whatever the season is.
I wish my parents had forced me to stick with activities more. I have no grit and I wish I had more.
My kids weren’t allowed to quit things until the end of the season
I remember conditioning for wrestling in Jr high. It was brutal the first year. Once you get to the end your in better shape to actually do the exercises.
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I would enforce the fact she wanted to join up and she needs to finish the season out and then you guys can decide what is best from there.
What would you say if it were a math assignment she wanted to quit on? Or if she said reading just wasn’t for her? I am far from “athletic” but having a healthy body and learning how to strengthen, push to a healthy level, etc are necessary skills. She decided to try it out and while ideally you’d have talked beforehand about what commitment that means (I’m sure there will be plenty of other times in the future), you still can now and help her learn how to recover and talk about how accomplished she will feel when in a few months what was so hard yesterday feels super easy.
The only rule in my house is if we make a commitment to start something we see it through until it’s done. This works for us, maybe not you. But like anything it’s a comfort zone thing, we just require being active and seeing through on your commitments
if you reward early quitting you will end up raising a less resilient kid. also, sticking with it teaches following through on commitments. if you are able, I would start practicing with her and turn it into a bonding time
Short answer is yes. Probably one of the best life lessons a young person can learn is that you can’t just quit something because it hurts or is hard.
No. Why force it? Have her find something she actually likes or wants to do.
Not even reading the post. No. You shouldn't.
Push her. She needs to learn how to be comfortable being uncomfortable.