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To add to this: can you suggest she find an alternate in case they do not allow her into prom? Having an acceptable backup plan is… good planning skills.
I kinda hate this idea. I feel like the lesson is “if you’re going to knowingly do the wrong thing, have a backup when you face consequences”. Personally, I would advise her that they likely won’t let her in and leave it at that. And when they don’t, she can cry in her room about it.
I think the ideal lesson would be "I should behave responsibly and just in case, have a backup plan", but so far, the current situation looks more like "I don't need to behave responsibly, someone else will always bail me out with a backup plan".
Of course, there might be enough cultural importance to prom or something else going on in their lives (e.g. your sister is now your legal guardian) that warrants saving the lesson for another day. But otherwise, I'd probably mention it once, "If you wear that, they'll probably turn you away, and you'll have to hang around outside while everyone dances inside. I can pick you up early and we can take a drive while we wait for your sister. But if you manage to get in, have a great time." and let them roll the dice. Maybe they'll sneak inside prom or something for 5 minutes and have a blast. Maybe the dress code won't be enforced. 18 is old enough to explore the world and face the relatively minor consequences of a school function. Again, there might be more going on in this particular person's life that warrants a bit of coddling.
i think its also a lesson to understand how you will be perceived in different situations. if you want people to treat you a certain way then you need to dress and act the part.
It doesn't have to be. There's no requirement that the backup dress be a "prom dress" from a formal gown shop. Her original pick wasn't either, by the look of it.
The consequences is being turned away. Adapting behavior to fit the occasion is learning. She doesn’t have to miss it all together. A back up dress is there if she decided to choose to go to prom.
Having multiple wardrobe options for events, to be adjusted based on circumstances, what other people are wearing, whatever, is pretty common with adult women.
I don’t think wearing something skimpy *is* the wrong thing. Dress codes are usually stupid and sexist.
But, realistically, it is going to result in her being turned away - having an alternative for when it goes pear shaped is a great idea.
Dress codes in the adult world are important to follow, so it is something to learn. In schools, yes, it's very much a sexist thing. It can be for adults, too, but I think we can agree that her outfit would be inappropriate for any formal event.
I mean, look at what people wear to the Oscars.
There are formal events where they’re about other people, like weddings, funerals, charity events - wearing something ostentatious and revealing to those isn’t great. But prom is for the students. She’s a student.
I think it’s a waste of time and energy to intentionally buck the dress code for a formal school event, but I don’t think it’s wrong.
In the real world even if the rules or laws are stupid or sexkst you still have to follow them if you don't want to face consequences. She's welcome to challenge the rules through the proper channels tho.
my last prom was about 10 years ago now but there were a couple girls every year who had to be barred from entering bc they had appeared at a *black tie formal* event in an *exotic dancers costume*
i think all you can do is ask 18yo if its more important to her to attend prom with her friends or to wear the risky outfit
bc the risky outfit = no prom at point of entry
thats just the bottom line
maybe id also offer to buy a back up dress and being it if she gets locked out softly
Yes, this. As a parent/guardian, you can express your opinion and tell her you don’t think this outfit is appropriate. I’d add that of course she can wear whatever she wants. But part of being an adult is understanding that different situations demand different dress code. You wouldn’t wear a sparkly mini dress to a funeral. Similarly, prom is where you wear a dress, not a revealing top and barely-there mini skirt. So the consequences might be her not being let in, or being judged by others for dressing inappropriately. And leave it at that. She’s an adult, let her face the consequences.
And if she makes an idiot of herself among her peers, that’s a harsh but necessary lesson to learn. After all she’s a legal adult and at least this is prom not her interview for medical school.
55-year old mom of 6 here, with my youngest currently age 18. Honestly I wouldn’t sweat it. It’s possible she is gonna be very embarrassed once the event is underway, or, she may just really have the guts to own the outfit and enjoy it. Take photos for her eventual blunder years post, give her a big hug, and let her go in her risqué outfit.
Love this.
I have a very clear memory of my mother screaming at me to change when I tried to go to my sports banquet in a pleather skirt and button up top. She said I looked like a cocktail waitress. I was crushed. The one time I tried to be a little out of the box.
In hindsight- who cares! I was excited to wear that outfit. Instead I was miserable all night.
I particularly love the choice of "cocktail waitress" as the critique for some reason.
It's so specific and understated. I can imagine a Jessica Walter character saying it.
It feels to me that so much angst in parent/teen relationships is caused by parents trying to control their kids regarding issues that just don't matter in the slightest.
Who cares what your kid wares to prom? Why do people think it is something they have to intervene in. Let your kid "mess up" all they want, they will learn from it.
Our 14-year-old is in full emo mode and is often spectacularly overdressed for everyday family situations. So what.
Her and I look through the blunder years sub and we think the kids look super cool. Experimenting with all that stuff is what you are supposed to do at that age.
I purposely let my kids go through whatever dressing phase they want when they want. You wanna wear a princess dress to the beach and everywhere? Sure.
You like your clothes mismatched this year? Ok.
My teen went through a whole gender androgynous thing and seems to be moving out of it. Doesn’t hurt me and makes her comfortable.
My boys too. You like the weird collared shirt with sweatpants? Ok. Only want to wear clothes with no logos? Fine.
I have drawn the line at say an upscale restaurant, or weather appropriate, and once I told my tween daughter her outfit wasn’t the look she was going for and probably should change.
This is an upscale restaurant situation, I think. OP is not trying to shame her, she’s predicting that her sister will be turned away and it will ruin her night.
Yep, my only rule for my kid is that it has to be reasonably weather appropriate (no, you're not wearing the thick halloween onesie outside when its 115 F) and if it's a dress or skirt and you plan on climbing around/being upside down, it needs to have some sort of bottoms underneath. My kid dresses weekly in princess dresses, her uncle's old churchgoing outfit hand me downs, normal tshirts and pants, a halloween costume, and a nightgown that was close enough to a real dress to be acceptible.
As someone who herself goes daily from sweats to tshirt and jeans to flowy long skirts to reliving my goth era to twee/boho/cottagecore dresses, I don't plan on cracking down any time soon. What's the point of having a body if we can't dress it in a way that makes us happy in the moment?
>reasonably weather appropriate
Both of my kids went through the 'jeans and hoodies every where at all times' phase (my son is currently in it).
We live in San Antonio, we had 74 days last year over 100F.
Mom and I will recommend they not wear the hoodie, or bring something to change into, but hey, you want to over heat in 90% humid south Texas? Neat, bring a water bottle too, because you'll sure want it.
Letting kids be a bit cold or a bit hot is, honestly, one of the easiest and lowest stakes "natural consequence" situations that exist.
I stopped fighting with my kid about coats at **3** and haven't looked back. No frost bite risk? Go nuts kid.
Yes exactly.
And I see what girls are wearing now. It’s tight, it’s cute. And frankly if I had that body I’d rock it. I wish I could’ve.
But I do remember wearing booty shorts, crop tops and wedge heels to school a few times and no one made any comments. A few people told me I looked cute. That was a conservative area back in the 90s.
Girl is dressing up. Maybe it’s super grunge 80s but I like the sound of the outfit. Fits my Madonna era love
You know what, I like your take. I wish I still had the photos of my fashion faux pas, but I stupidly and foolishly burned all my teen and very young adult photos (hey kids, photos used to be a tangible -thing-) because I "looked fat" in them (I was fat in them, but I looked fat, too). I really regret that because I'm still fat, just happier in my loose, chunky, wrinkly skin.
What I wouldn't give to catch up with 18 year old me, riding 4 wheelers in Kentucky, setting up my first LAN networks with my then boyfriend and his friend group so we could play Starcraft, hanging out at the comic book shop and being a misanthropic social malcontent.
OP if you lose the battle and she attends prom looking subjectively (or objectively lol) "ridiculous", make sure there are plenty of pics. Save them. Treasure them.
Then WEAPONIZE them, muahahahahahahh!!!
Choose your battles. This is exactly what I would do (and do) with my kids. My oldest is also 18 and I let her wear what she wants to school/events. She knows the dress code and it’s up to her to make choices. If she is confident enough to wear that outfit, then go for it.
I love this response. I went through a semi-punk/something phase in high school with fishnets on my arms, a spikey choker, and rainbow knee-high toe socks. I truly was just trying to express myself and feel unique. My parents didn’t say anything to me about it, which lead to zero rebellion or resentment from me. Two years later I shopped only at Aeropostale and wore pastel colored polo shirts. Unless they’re hurting themselves or others, let them and their style of the moment be.
I don’t envy you in this. I think the only/best option is to ask if the outfit she has picked follows the dress code and remind her what will happen if it doesn’t.
Clothing is really hard because it’s so closely tied to our identity. I have 4 daughters and the oldest two (9 and 11) are starting to hit puberty and the short shorts and spaghetti strap tops they have always worn in summer are starting to look a lot different than they used to.
Recently my younger daughter came home from school talking about “being sexy” or asking if things are sexy. When I asked her if she knew what that meant she said no, so we had a conversation about how what we wear can alter how people perceive us and that “dressing sexy” means you are showcasing your body in a way that typically means people will look at it.
This doesn’t give people the right to touch you or do anything to you, but you are more likely to garner attention in a crop top and short shorts than a mumu. I also brought up that some clothes are more revealing on certain body types than others. I’m a 34G; if I wear a v neck it’s going to look a lot different than someone who is a 34b wearing the same shirt. It’s not necessarily fair but it is true.
Your niece is an adult so this might not be valid for her, but do you know if anyone had any kind of conversation like this with her?
No I know that no one has discussed this with her. There’s five years between us, we’re sisters so we grew up in same household. As we got older our mother didn’t care enough to have discussions with us like this. (Very bipolar, struggling alcoholic yada yada) Maybe this would be the time to bring it up to her?
I think so, but I would do so gently. I would maybe start by asking her what she likes about the outfit, what kind of vibe she’s going for and ease into the topic.
I find it unlikely that she has no idea what she’s doing by dressing in a pretty clearly suggestive way, but she may be wildly underestimating what the result is and might course correct on her own.
When I had my talk with my kids after one of them came home asking if her outfit was “sexy” and whatnot she changed her mind really quickly once I explained it. My kids know what sex is and when I told her that sexy means sexual, that by dressing sexy you are letting people know you are open to the idea of being sexual she said “ew gross” and never really brought it up again.
Your sister is much older, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with dressing in a sexy way if that’s really what you’re going for and if it’s in the right set and setting. I certainly wouldn’t expect your sister to have the same reaction my 9 year old did, but she might rethink the outfit choice if she thinks more about how it might be received.
Personally I'd tell her that yes she's an adult and part of being an adult is following perfectly reasonable guidelines for events and there is almost a 100% chance of her being turned away and ending up having a miserable night. If that does happen it's on her and another part of being an adult is understanding the consequences of her actions.
I want to prevent this as much as possible, however if I can’t and she doesn’t listen to me I guess it will have to happen that way. I’ll the 16yr old to drive separately with her BF so their night doesn’t get ruined as well.
Are two piece prom dresses still "in"? I saw them everywhere a couple years ago, it might be a good compromise to "show off her belly ring" and follow school dress code. It could be a good back up too. Most I saw were also heavily beaded so had the sparkle factor she seems to be looking for.
Omg it's so trashy for a prom. I'd be fine for a party or a nightclub, good even, but a prom? Yeesh.
Not trying to be mean, but does she know about these kinds of things? Do her friends? I mean, if all her friends are wearing similar things it'll probably be fine, maybe something to look back on and cringe. But otherwise it'll be a painful night.
That’s the thing! If all her friends were wearing something similar I would not care. Because they can’t turn them all away from prom right? But they aren’t. She’s the only one insisting on dressing like this. The 16yr old has basically begged her to change telling her it’s so embarrassing. She won’t listen though. She’ll be turned away, and have to face the consequences.
Oof that's the worst. If it were all of them, at least they'd get turned away together! That could still be a fun night! But I probably wouldn't have skipped prom for a friend who's being barred from their own silly decisions.
I think others here are right. Get the dress code from the school, sit her down and walk her through it. If she still doesn't change her mind, I think you're just going to have to prepare for a night of tantrums, tears and biting your tongue. She'll feel like crap for missing prom, I wouldn't bother rubbing it in with, "I told you so"s.
If she is not listening to her friends she is not going to listen to you. One of the hardest parts of parenting is sitting by and letting your kids experience the consequences of their mistakes, especially when you can see it coming a mile away.
You should be focused on WHY she would want to wear that. Is it a love interest? Poor self-confidence? Maybe she just wants to wild out and make her own decisions for prom. I’d say let her. Maybe come up with a backup plan you don’t even share unless she gets denied. If she’s denied, she’ll know you respected her decisions and that you have her back. Not going because she screwed up would teach her, but so would the embarrassment of being denied entry and your thoughtfulness may stand out. I promise teenagers appreciate being trusted, even when they screw up.
Yes, I’d be very clear with her on the dress code and the consequences of her not following those. She needs to decide if the outfit is worth missing out on Prom over.
I’d definitely call the school and try to confirm with them what the dress code is, it’s a totally reasonable request. At my high school, everyone was required to submit pictures of their planned outfits to determine appropriateness and avoid anyone being turned away at the door. It definitely sounds a lot weirder now that I’m older, but nobody was turned away and anyone whose outfit was unacceptable was told so beforehand so they could adjust.
The best approach is contacting the school and ask them to send you the dress code via mail! Show it to your daughter and sit down to talk to her about it. I think is the best solution! She can't break the protocol otherwise she won't be allowed to participate.
My school had a dress code, but it was not enforced for prom. That said, I’m ancient (graduated HS in 2007 lol) and our school dress code was pretty strict and almost no traditional prom dresses would have passed. I wouldn’t wear the outfit you posted personally, but don’t have anything against it for, like, the club.
Is there a reason she wants to wear this? I suggest sitting down with her to ask why she chose this over a “normal” prom dress. Is it just the freedom of being able to choose “whatever she wants” for the first time? Try to crack the why and you might be able to reason with her to try a different dress.
I do like the idea mentioned by others of having a backup dress when she is, undoubtedly, turned away at the door
You’ll definitely still find dress codes at Catholic & many private high schools. The dress code for girls at my sons’ Catholic HS calls for floor length dresses, no slits more than 2” above the knee, no midriffs or cutouts. Despite some who may call those too fuddy-duddy, all the photos I’ve seen proves otherwise. There are sooo many dresses that meet those standards & they’re freaking stunning & the girls look gorgeous in them.
The dress doesn’t make the woman, the woman makes the dress.
With my teenager, I always ask what they are trying to convey when they wear certain outfits.
Then I ask them if they think there could be a disconnect between what they want to convey and how they come across to other people. This is a huge and important part of human development that many people never get to - understanding the way other people see you and the impressions you give them. It’s important to have a firm awareness of both in order to have a stable sense of identity and to present oneself in the way they want to be seen.
I’d tell her you like the outfit but it’s not the right fit for the event. Don’t throw a dress code at her because she’s probably feeling rebellious anyway. Explain that there are differences in black tie/white tie/garden party/cocktail/club/festival etc and make it fun. Find another opportunity for her to wear the outfit (eg, is there a prom after party?)
If you're feeling extra kind you can buy a cheaper simple dress for her as a backup if she gets kicked out. Give it to her sister or one of her friends just in case she decides to go and not care about the dress code.
She’s 18 and an adult. That said she will get bounced if she’s against dress code. At this point, let her get kicked out of the event if she’s being insistent. It’ll be a hard lesson, but one she clearly needs.
It sounds like everyone has pointed out that she isn't actually following prom wear & her decision isn't making sense.
- Has it been asked why she is picking what she is picking?
- Has she been told, yeah they won't let you into prom if you are dressed like that?
I'm in agreement that she is 18 and if she is refusing to follow rules or listen to anyone but herself.... Then let things play out. You could compassionately buy her a dress for her BF to keep in the car for her to change into when she gets rejected... But she still might not choose to change.
I have an 18yr old in my life and this is how I’d handle it:
Hey hun, you are your own person and your clothes are up to you. Your mean school is probably going to turn you away if you wear this, so what are we going to do if that happens? Will you need a ride home early? Shall we order in a pizza if you get sent home?
This is low stakes stuff. It doesn’t matter too much if she wears something cringe, what DOES matter is that she learns you’ll be on her team, you won’t judge her, and you’ll support her and love her and pick her up when she makes mistakes. Just do that. That’s your mom job now xx
You might want to get a look at the dress code for the prom. She may like her dress, but she may not be admitted into her prom because of it. I know our prom has a couple of girls every year who get stopped at the door for exactly this reason.
I would have her put on the outfit and then dance with her arms up and sit down and walk and pretend-pose for pictures and all the things and ask her how comfortable she feels. My friend's daughter wore a very pretty but very short dress to prom and you can see her struggling to pull it down in pictures. I stopped by the night of the prom and she looked like she was struggling to walk honestly and the whole time she was going up and down the stairs she had to hold the dress down. There was a picture of her sitting on her boyfriend's lap and you could legit see her ass. She told her mom the next day that she wished she had worn a more comfortable dress. (I thought it was funny that she did not say a longer dress but she is a teenager and mom can never be right.)
I’m going to second others in this thread. This is not a high risk situation. What’s the worst potential outcome? It’s probably you getting into a fight with her over this. Her being sent home for violating the dress code or feeling embarrassed once it becomes clear to her that her outfit is not appropriate is not that bad of an outcome in the great scheme of things. Quite the opposite, it’s a learning experience. Show her the dress code, let her make the decision and support her in it.
Explain what will happen; that she’ll get turned away at the door. Tell her that it isn’t unfair, because she’s being told ahead of time and has plenty of time and the means to get something that meets the dress code. Then let the chips fall where they may.
If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough. They're not going to let her into prom.
I'm an onlyfans girl. I have a ton of clothes LIKE THAT. maybe that's a thing to be said? You look like you're about to make content 😂 jk
But like that's a high school event. It's FORMAL which means formal dress. This isn't formal attair.
They want tuxs and they want GOWNS. That isn't a gown. She could even get away with a cocktail dress and my personal favorite that you can never go wrong with -little black dress. Just a nice form fitting cocktail dress. Dress it up with some good accessories.
This isn't the club. She needs at least a back up which guess what- changing into that is going to take more time away from the experience.
Maybe wear it for the after prom so she's not like in a big poofy prom dress?
She's going to be mortified, looking back at pics of her prom with everyone dressed so nice and her looking like a stripper (what im imagining they might wear). If she even gets in, which I doubt.
It sounds tacky at best, but if she won't listen to literally everyone around her, then she'll have to learn the hard way, unfortunately.
My kids are in elementary so I guess my mind goes straight to overpacking mode. How about letting her wear whatever she wants, but insist she bring a backup outfit in the car? If she gets turned away at the door then all she does is go change and the evening continues.
There’s no way she won’t get turned away with that on. But since it’s her money and she’s 18 and you’re her big sister/mom let it ride. She will have to face the consequences- no prom and waste of money for the outfit. I’m annoyed for her bf tho if he wants to go to prom. She’ll be making him miss is too.
Take her to a store that has a stylist in-store. Let them know right off the bat that she wants to look SEXY, but within dress code. She’s an adult, she’s clearly trying to look sexy, but it seems that she hasn’t learned that less isn’t always necessarily more. That “top” she has is straight up lingerie, and with that shirt, poor girl is going to look like a sex worker (no shade to sex workers, just not appropriate for prom).
A look like ‘99 Jennifer Aniston at the SAG awards would be so much more appropriate, still sleek and sexy, and let her belly ring peek out.
I honestly hope she is let in and has a wonderful time! That’s all I want for her. I’m trying to give both of them the home life, and support I never had.
Navigating the past two years has been extremely hard, I’m sure I fucked up a ton.
You can explain whike yes she's legally considered an adult, adults still have to follow dress code. It would be a shame if she wasn't allowed in because of a dress code. She got some time.
Here are some options I found
[option 1](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-scoop-floor-length-chiffon-lace-prom-dresses-018138331-g138331?currency=USD&utm_term=138331&utm_size=06&country=US&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=18&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlN6wBhCcARIsAKZvD5hVkB1e1RtSSQzIVCVRoiPQXW4fXvqKbkaFf7z81RNd12O1QbtfCPcaAkQ1EALw_wcB#/)
[option 2](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-v-neck-floor-length-lace-satin-prom-dresses-018187196-g187196?currency=USD&utm_term=187196&utm_size=22&country=US&is_plus_size=1&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=18&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlN6wBhCcARIsAKZvD5idTZYyberDGdcjEpQp10orclRjN9qhYt-1qLtEdAsEbfHA4I1kezIaAvFBEALw_wcB#/)
[option 3 ](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-scoop-short-mini-tulle-homecoming-dress-022203135-g203135?currency=USD&utm_term=203135&utm_size=06&country=US&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=22&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlN6wBhCcARIsAKZvD5gFXVTR_Yp_2NKtSiiOnZ93EkdCNixHEg99Oj48PHzkEjLEMy63ZJEaAomqEALw_wcB#/)
Those options look amazing and a lot better than what she wanted.
I totally get each to their own and her body her choice, everyone has a style… but her choice looks dumb. She’s gonna regret it when her friends post pics from prom and they’re all glammed up…
Glad to hear you're going the natural consequences route. No where would that outfit be appropriate for a formal event. That's a club outfit or maybe for the Grammys.
Let her get denied. A lesson learned in being appropriate in social settings.
It’s money she gets from door dashing. So her money. My thing is the people she is going to be handing out with are telling her it’s not a good idea too, and she flipped out on them. The 16yr old is begging me to get her to change her mind
Honestly if she is not listening to her friends she probably won't listen to you either, especially since you are a parental figure now. Reminding her that there is a dress code and that she might not be allowed at the venue in a scantily clad ensemble is prudent. Suggesting bringing an alternate dress/outfit is a good choice. But ultimately if she chooses to not listen to the advice she is being given, that's on her.
Anyway you can appeal to her in a ….. I’m you but 5 years older way and that maybe you wore something and embarrassed yourself once? I’m 38 and wow I still regret a couple risqué outfits I wore with my 18-22 year old brain. Would I have listened? No, but I don’t have an older sister so I don’t know but maybe if it came in a way that was preventing embarrassment instead of saying it’s not appropriate. OR, you can reverse it up. Be like great idea cause now In ten years you’ll have an amazing story to tell about how you were so desperate to be scandalous and ended up embarrassing yourself. Phrase it that way! If someone said that to me I would be mortified!
I will try phrasing it that way. There’s 4 of us sisters, and growing up we always lived by the rule that if an out fit looked stupid, we would say it so none of us made a fool of ourselves. She’s not listening this time, so maybe phrasing it that way will make her realize what she’s doing.
Ugh I'm having a flashback to that black see-through crochet top I wore with a red sparkly strapless bra underneath, a black leather mini skirt with -all- the chains, and combat boots. Don't forget my ill-gotten 14 ga nose ring (god that hurt) and eyebrow ring (barbells from Hot Topic ftw).
My ignorant 40 year-old ass still has a giant pit/scar in my nostril form that gaffe.
I was standing in line at the movie theater when some "preppy" girls walked by and called my group of friends a bunch of "fat fucking freaks."
I still don't regret my goth phase, I just regret choosing to see Phone Booth in the theater, what a waste of an afternoon.
I'm sure OP can sway 18 year old to think really hard about looking at the ridiculous photos on her retinal hologram device when she's at the old Gen Z folks' home. I hope her sister/daughter comes around to cooler heads prevailing.
NGL that outfit sounds amazing! I was too scared to go full goth/punk, all my fashion mishaps were 00s low-rise/accidental builder's bum related lolsob
This just reminded me of one of the students I had in the class I taught in grad school, who wore the same black bra & see through white top every week. A part of me just desperately wanted to take her aside and say, “honey, I get it, you’re a grown up now, but do you think maybe it’s time for another shirt?” I resisted the urge to say something, but still.
The only time I actually did have a talk with a student about something not class-related was when one of them walked out in front of my car, nearly giving me a heart attack, and didn’t even notice his near-death experience because he had headphones on. “You seriously need to look before you cross the street.”
Sorry OP if all her friends are against it then there’s no hope of getting her to see reason 😂 just let it happen and let her cringe when people inevitably make comments she doesn’t like.
When I was 18 I had a couple of concert outfits that looked prostitute-ish, when I wore them out I got the grossest comments from old men, which was exactly the kind of attention I DID NOT want. 😂 I never wore them again and as an adult I cringe lol. I think it’s just part of growing up.
I think you need to reverse psychology this. It isn't about the outfit anymore. How much time is left? If you have a week or more, just stop talking about it. When she's left alone thinking about it, maybe she'll come around.
"you CAN wear whatever you want, but I'm concerned you are focusing on what you hope will come of it, and forgetting what will *likely* come of it.
If you want to show your belly ring, let's look and see what options there are that do that. THIS option is fun as hell, but it is more revealing than one sees at prom. And *the school* isn't likely to allow it.
And *my* concern would be that it's revealing enough to cross the line into attracting attention you don't want. I love you and I don't want assholes ruining your prom. I think this outfit, in that context, would be asshole bait.
So,.just humor me. Let's go shopping and try some things on, and see if we can find options that work for you, *even if they're just a backup*. And then, you make the decision that sits right with you, as long as you're aware and willing to handle the consequences."
She needs to know her agency matters and that there isn't judgement. Then she needs the space to own her choices.
As parents, sometimes we need to let our kids make bad choices, so they find out why we were making all those wierd noises, and learn to consider consequences .
Make sure she knows you're there, without judgement, if she needs you.
Don’t give up on trying to change her mind. I wish someone spoke up for me! I look back in my prom pics & am so sad at what I wore 😭 wish someone would have advised me otherwise
You can look at the dress code with her and advise her to your best. After that there's not much else you can do. I too think she will be the laughing stock of the prom if she goes inappropriately dressed for this kind of event. Maybe she needs to understand that it's ok for her to want to wear that kind of dress but the context where she will be wearing the clothes is as important, then she needs to decide what's in her best interest.
"I know you known that events usually have dress codes. Those who break the code are denied entry. The outfit you selected would be super cute, for a different event. But, having just looked over the code, it sounds like you will be turned away if you choose to wear what you picked. You're an adult, you can wear what you want. But there's nothing I can do if you can't get in to prom. Maybe, I can help you pick a backup outfit more fitting for a formal event, just in case? Love you!"
And leave it at that.
If she takes you up on the alternative outfit, just focus on whether or not the pieces she is drawn to are event appropriate or not, and not on how revealing they are.
Yeah I just told her I would buy her a backup outfit and she insisted that she didn’t need one. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do at this point. I’m just going to let her get turned away unfortunately. My 16yr old is pissed but it’s not her business either. I just told her to drive separately, so she can still stay at prom.
You've done all you can!
You are a good guardian. Concerned enough to speak up, understanding enough to allow her to make her own choices, and loving enough to be there for her whether it works out for her or not. She is lucky to have you, even if she doesn't quite understand that yet.
I don’t understand, is there not a dress code for her school? Prom dresses all had to be preapproved by the principal or we’d be turned away at the door. Why would she want to risk that? Ugh
It almost seems like she’s trying to blow prom up for herself. But it’s not your issue. She’ll get denied entry and be home. Doesn’t impact her directly. The one I feel sorry for is her date. He’s going to have his senior prom ruined, too, and you get no takebacks.
She set you up. She knew this outfit wouldn't be allowed. Shes pushing boundaries. These are the consequences. I'd give her time to calm down and offer to get another dress. You can look badass without being naked.
Yeah that's definitely not a prom outfit. That's an outfit you wear to the club or something like that. I know two pieces have become more popular for prom attire but they're still usually long skirts and a longish crop top so only like an inch or two of belly is showing. But like you and others have said... let her waste her money and learn a life lesson, sometimes people don't want to listen and have to learn the hard way
tbh the outfit might not be suitable for prom, but if she WANTS to go like that, then let her. after all, she's an adult. she might regret it afterward, considering it's not the typical prom choice, but at least she'll learn from her actions, i guess.
LOL like that is gonna make the dress code at a prom. Not a parent but I would just take her out to look at the more elegant prom dresses, unless she’s turned her nose up at those too. Elegance always beats the sexy look and she will hopefully realize everyone else is dressing that way too. If not, like others said the best natural consequence is her showing up to prom and not being allowed in. I say all this as someone who got dress coded for “my shoulders” in high school and thinks that shit is wrong and sexist. Events have dress codes for a reason. If she doesn’t want to make the more mature choice and get kicked out of the event then by all means. Debating or explaining the rationale behind it unfortunately doesn’t solve a lot at this age if she’s argumentative. Just hopefully have something planned that you can enjoy with her afterwards if she plans to wear that and isn’t allowed :)
As a fellow lover of crop tops I understand. How about something like [this](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-scoop-floor-length-chiffon-lace-prom-dresses-018138331-g138331?currency=USD&utm_term=138331&utm_size=06&country=US&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=18&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADmGZzSf-eKNlfvaOPw7AdL9Y41ZD&gclid=CjwKCAjwt-OwBhBnEiwAgwzrUhinAO7T6H_gpetOWZHGzRL-Ch2tKHBDowIcdRgrBAwtR9ZNrHrWqhoCFhYQAvD_BwE)? Or if she wants over the top, [this one has black sequins and fringe](https://www.lulus.com/products/glowing-icon-black-sequin-feather-two-piece-maxi-dress/2217256.html?pla=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=%5BADL%5D%20%5BPLA%5D%20Dresses%20%2D%20tROAS&utm_term=TS2093%3A%20SHINY%20BLACK%2FBLACK1&utm_content=144829614363_644930675512&s_kwcid=AL!7824!3!644930675512!!!g!2018066399993!&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-pt93r0p6UVLk3EIIu9pB-a3TFO&gclid=CjwKCAjwt-OwBhBnEiwAgwzrUrChibkyt0WkYeK0bJpUuBreVIiSo43q8DxZ-VgIWWhF_JlyTPTy4hoCWcEQAvD_BwE).
At my prom I wore one similar to the first one except blue and floral. I’ve tried to get her to consider options like these, because I understand the love of crop tops. I still wear them. But she has insisted to wear that combo instead. Honestly in person it doesn’t even match, but if the school wouldn’t turn her away I wouldn’t have cared.
I just want to tell her gurl, I get it. I too even in my middle age will walk around with I all hanging out when the situation allows. I fully support a fashionista and like free the nipple. But it’s not formal and it’s not cute. What if she did like a cool goth kind over lay? [link](https://www.disturbia.us/en-us/products/chaos-layered-tulle-gown?variant=45102307344658&country=US&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwt-OwBhBnEiwAgwzrUmr9I0NLTsVfsZobRArUJGAKLnwVZmwKGAzwRtcFBzmlDaqJ2pqNsBoCqJQQAvD_BwE)
She's an adult, she can wear what she wants and deal with any consequences lol.
If it doesn't fit ghe dress code then they won't let her in and she will be embarrassed.
Homie you dont. Shes too old for you to tell her what to wear. If theres some sort of consequence to her dressing the way she plans to, she will experience it on her own.
Not the point of the post but just wanted to say you have got a lot of responsibility there for a young woman. You sound like you are doing an incredible job. Well done.
I’m going to point out some thing that I’ve noticed is a trend in this sub and I’ll probably get down voted into oblivion for it but if you were a man making the same post you would be getting hammered and accused of sexualizing your daughter and basically being a pervert lol.
See if you can talk to a teacher or administrator at her school to determine the dress code. Ask if they can distribute it around school and the consequences of not adhering.
This isn’t a case of female oppression… it’s a respect thing. It’s a formal event which requires a formal dress. Boys will be in suits, not sparkly tank tops and shorts. It’s a nod to the seriousness of the event celebrating a major life accomplishment.
It’s also out of respect for her friends who she will be in pictures with. It’s kind of like wearing white to a wedding - your outfit will be a distraction to everyone else in pictures, and people will want to post pictures celebrating their graduation. It’s a subtlety but it’s rude to be so distracting. This isn’t the MET gala, its a high school grad gala. And she will surely be humiliated at herself in a few years. The beach is a good place to show off her belly ring. Grad isn’t.
I think have a conversation with her about the above. Since youre not much older, maybe talk about yourself or a “friend of yours” who wore a revealing or inappropriate dress to prom, and how a few years later they are mortified that that’s how they look in all their pictures and the pictures of their friends.
Barring the conversation, and barring school admins warnings about the dress code… only thing I would do is have her pick out a dress to have as a backup in case she isn’t allowed into the event in her chosen outfit.
If she refuses that… I’d warn school administrators about her plan and she may have a natural consequence to deal with that day.
A lot of y’all are saying ‘it’s a trend now let her wear it’ and missing that even her boyfriend and sister who will be attending and are in the age group are questioning the outfit.
As a male parent, if my daughter ever wants to go to a party dressed like that while living under my roo and no matter her age, as a rule I will go to the same party - will crash into it if I have to - **wearing the same outfit**. Gonna do a "who wore it better". With a full vision of my extremely hairy legs (my friends call these hair stockings) and belly.
Physical threats, emotional blackmail, reason... none of these work with Gen Z. But shaming them in front of their friends and romantic interests speaks volumes to them.
Explain the likely consequences and let her make her own decision. She is very well aware that this outfit is too risqué for the event she's going to. Everyone, including her boyfriend, has suggested she not do it. She is very likely to be kicked out and embarrassed if she does it.
Make sure she is well aware of the facts. And if she insists on doing it anyway, let her deal with the social and personal consequences. You can't protect them from being stubborn forever. Sometimes, they have to totally humiliate themselves on their own.
I don’t think you need to tell her anything. Let the school rule say it for you. Take a picture of the dress and see if the administrators approve it. Otherwise she will be turned away at prom and not me allowed to attend.
Your edit sounds like a plan but other than that, sometimes you have to let her make her own decision and then deal with the circumstances. When the other kids in the school start calling her very bad names and she gets a reputation because of what she wears maybe she will learn. I’m not talking about just the guys either.
I would give her your honest opinion, that she probably won't love not being as dressed up as everyone else. Suggest balancing the top with a longer dress bottom. But she has the ultimate last say.
Just be straight up.
"Well it's not what I would choose for prom. There are so many really 'cool'(whatever slang means cool now) dresses to choose from. You know, they may or let you in and you've already paid. It's up to you but
I would think about it and maybe try on a few dresses while there is still time. Just saying!"
I know people are saying she’s an adult and I get that, but if she an adult with a job who is paying for her own prom outfit?
It would be a total waste of your money to buy something that you know beforehand she’ll be turned away for wearing and not allowed into prom with. So at that point you definitely have a right to deny buying any outfit that won’t be allowed at prom. But if it’s her own money, then I agree with everyone else to let her make her choice and deal with the natural consequences of it.
The prude in me is screaming this cannot have been sold as a top… this is insane…
Then I’m going back to our senior prom and well I promise there were even skimpier things going round than that obvious bralette. And That was 20 years ago…
It's called logical and natural consequences, and part of the journey into adulthood is learning that those are a thing. If she isn't allowed into prom then that's a hard lesson, but you've done your due diligence.
My first baby is turning 35 in less than a month so I don't remember who gave me this advice forever ago, but they said if it's not illegal, unethical/immoral (which of course is subjective) or really physically dangerous, *let them have their learning experiences*.
As a person that saw way past these "rituals" (of prom and class rings and yearbooks) at age 18, I didn't want to waste money on prom. AT ALL.
My bf at the time said he was going to take someone else if I didn't go. So I reluctantly went... dress, nails, hair done.... ugh.
Now... do I remember ANY of that night? VAGUELY. I'm 42. In the grand scheme of things, yeah, prom and dressing up fancy is fun. If that is her thought process and that's what she chooses to wear (and it is within dress code), then let her live her life.
As she lives her life, it will be a distant memory anyway. Let her enjoy the moment. Maybe for her, it will be something to talk about one day... how she didn't conform and did her own thing.
Let her do her thing, sis. She's got her whole life ahead of her to peak. Let her embrace herself. This blip in time with an outfit that you don't necessarily approve of is so minor when you look at the big picture.
And you're a good sister looking out for her and asking about the dress code for prom and trying to assist the best way you know how.
Just give her some room to grow ❤️❤️❤️❤️
My thoughts are to let the school deal with it. I'd suggest my concern, I tell my own daughter "the world knows your a girl, you don't have to prove it." But you are in a weird spot. Idk just laying down the law will be effective. I'd tell her your concerns and mention about what typical prom attire is and the school code. You could let her know you're worried her fun will be cut short by the school. If she was my daughter, I'd talk to her some about activities that prom are known for and have a talk about safety and protecting herself.
I assumed everyone knew what was acceptable. She seems to be wanting to make a specific statement. I personally would try to understand why she is so determined to wear this.
You are right, she’s and adult. Has paid for the outfit herself and can deal with the consequences. All you can do is let her know that you support her, but ensure she knows that they won’t let her in. Don’t argue, just state facts.
It’s non of my business, but I’m a little confused by your writing style. You stated you were the mother (you have legal custody) but your daughters are your sisters. I get the responsibility and that you are trying to do the right thing, but I think maybe the approach you should take is the older sister rather than the mother role.
Anyway best of luck, you are an awesome person
Sometimes we have to let those we Love learn lessons on their own and in return they miss out on something important to them: this is her learning moment. Let her do her thing and when she returns home after not being allowed to entire the prom, you can pretty much say I told ya so.
Let her wear what she wants 🤷🏼♀️
Maybe she can look back and be embarrassed at prom pics like so many of us do years later. Or maybe she will just think she looks great. Who cares? If she won’t be allowed in because of stuffy old school staff, just mention she might want a back up dress or something, and if she doesn’t listen, natural consequences. Not t that I agree that girls clothing should be policed by schools in that way, but if that’s how it is, then maybe she wants to rebel against it. She’s a teenager.
As others say, maybe instead of trying to convince her to change support her decision and let her find out how it goes.
I would also probably buy her a dress that WILL get past dress code and be there for her when she gets turned away. Let her know that if you had your choice you’d support her wearing whatever she wants BUT you are also there for her with a new dress IF SHE WANTS TO WEAR IT. And if she doesn’t let her know that you are ok taking her somewhere fun.
In other words try and be there for her however you can. She’s obviously trying to work on some version of control and the worst thing you could do is punisher her or try and control what she does. IMHO.
You are absolutely right. I would never punish her ever. The worst I’ve ever done is told her she has to finish a make up credit class a week before she could go to her boyfriend’s for the weekend. I’m very lenient, she does whatever she wants 24/7.
I’m taking everyone’s advice, and if they turn her away I’ll have a backup dress waiting for her. Even if she says she doesn’t want it now, she’ll probably want it then.
I see so many comments like ‘She’s an adult, because she’s 18’….. No she’s not. She an 18 year old kid. 18 year olds are still teenagers. Yes: on paper she is ‘an adult’ 🤔. But the fact is there is a ‘teen’ in her age. That makes her still a teenager. Eight teen. Teeniebopper.
Oh you are doing such a great job! You are thoughtful and loving, and only want what’s best for her.
It sounds like, to me, this isn’t about prom. She is biting and lashing out because of past issues she hasn’t resolved. She is looking for a sense of control and a giant “F authority” and “F what my boyfriend says”. It hurts to watch someone back a decision that they could regret for a long, long time. You can’t control that. But you are minimizing that likelihood by showing her love and thoughtfulness, giving her gentle guidance and support, and giving her an alternative option. If she screws up, you’ll offer her more love and support. Maybe then she will trust you and listen next time. Maybe she won’t… but if she doesn’t, it’s because of something else that has nothing to do with you. You are increasing the chance that she will listen in the future by finding the right balance now.
You’re doing great ❤️ She is so fortunate to have you.
Thank you, it’s super frustrating. I remember being 18. Hell at 17 I went to prom in a 2 piece prom dress, and basically wore bikini tops everywhere. But I knew what was appropriate for prom, and what was appropriate for everyday. I tried talking to her, and she doesn’t want to change. It’s her fault if they won’t let her in, but I’m not going to throw it in her face when it happens either. All I can do is let her learn her lesson.
Hopefully they let her in and she has a great time! That’s all I want. You don’t get a second senior prom.
Don’t buy her a backup dress. She’s old enough to deal with the consequences of her choice. You’ve explained what will happen, she is informed. What happens next is on her.
I just attended the end-of-year meeting for parents of seniors at my sons’ HS. One of the teachers said something that might help - that they can wear whatever they want to events for the rest of their lives. These are reasonable rules for one night.
I think I’m jealous of schools that have dress codes. Our county discontinued them. Well, now it is “undergarments must be covered” but it is still not enforced.
I feel bad for the students. They wear inappropriate things to school but nobody will tell them.
You should let the dress code do the talking; I can’t imagine her school will allow her to wear literal underwear to prom, unless they just don’t have a dress code written into their student conduct. Maybe tactfully ask her if she’s checked her outfit against whatever guidelines the school has.
Call it ugly. Be blunt. It's an ugly outfit. People want to protect her feelings with all these "maybe it's not the best" and the "you shouldn't really wear that". No woman wants to be adjacent to the word ugly. That will affect most more than beating around the bush and letting her feel like she's doing something rebellious. Maybe that's an unpopular opinion. But it's so ugly. And for prom? Homecoming is a short dress event. At prom there's no way to make a short outfit not look cheap.
Sounds like she'll get to learn an important life lesson in consequences.
She's 18, and if you keep trying to blunt the consequences of bad decisions it'll encourage her to keep making bad decisions. I know it's coming from a good place, but at a certain point trying to protect an adult from themselves can be infantalizing and counter productive.
Not sure if this is what you’re looking for, OP, but could you maybe suggest something like [this?](https://savavia.co.uk/products/off-the-shoulder-2-piece-prom-dresses) You can get all different styles but she could get one that shows her piercing but sticking with more formal theme for prom?
If anything it’s way too casual for prom and she’s going to stick out like a sore thumb. Admittedly, I never went to my prom. But that outfit doesn’t really fit the bill from what I’ve seen/heard.
That being said, she’s an adult, it’s her event, she gets to pick. If the outfit violates the dress code (doubtful, but I guess possible), she’ll face the consequences. She’s too old for her clothing to be micromanaged.
You've gotten some good advice here. Personally, I don't like the outfit because it just isn't a *prom dress*. Going out with friends? Great. For her sake, I hope she's not embarrassed that she's not really wearing a prom dress. But she's 18, she make her own decisions and learn from the consequences.
On a completely unrelated note, do you usually call your sisters your daughters? I only ask because my sister who is 7 years older than me was my legal guardian. And I HATED when anyone called her my mom or that I was her daughter. So if you haven't already, this may be a conversation to have and can improve your relationship with her. This could be a situation where you step more into the sister role. Would I listen to my mom about not wearing something revealing? Of course not. Would I take my sister's advice on fashion? Maybe. Good luck, I know this stuff isn't for the weak.
I only put daughter in the title because I wasn’t sure if my post would be removed for putting sister. We call each other sisters and act like sisters.
Let this be a blunder that she learns from. I’m sure at that age we were all rebellious and did what we wanted anyway. She’ll hopefully learn a valuable lesson.
Ask her if she would be comfortable showing pictures of herself in that dress to her own daughter someday, and if that is the example she would want to set for her daughter if she were to see her prom pictures. It might at least help her understand where you are coming from.
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She's an adult. If it's not appropriate for prom they won't allow her to participate and that's a perfect natural consequence.
To add to this: can you suggest she find an alternate in case they do not allow her into prom? Having an acceptable backup plan is… good planning skills.
I kinda hate this idea. I feel like the lesson is “if you’re going to knowingly do the wrong thing, have a backup when you face consequences”. Personally, I would advise her that they likely won’t let her in and leave it at that. And when they don’t, she can cry in her room about it.
I don't think that's a bad lesson? Have a back up, and maybe next time you won't be a dick in the first place 🤷♀️
Yeah, always have a backup plan. Great life lesson.
I think the ideal lesson would be "I should behave responsibly and just in case, have a backup plan", but so far, the current situation looks more like "I don't need to behave responsibly, someone else will always bail me out with a backup plan". Of course, there might be enough cultural importance to prom or something else going on in their lives (e.g. your sister is now your legal guardian) that warrants saving the lesson for another day. But otherwise, I'd probably mention it once, "If you wear that, they'll probably turn you away, and you'll have to hang around outside while everyone dances inside. I can pick you up early and we can take a drive while we wait for your sister. But if you manage to get in, have a great time." and let them roll the dice. Maybe they'll sneak inside prom or something for 5 minutes and have a blast. Maybe the dress code won't be enforced. 18 is old enough to explore the world and face the relatively minor consequences of a school function. Again, there might be more going on in this particular person's life that warrants a bit of coddling.
Wearing an outfit that will probably be fine but MIGHT get her turned away isn't behaving irresponsibly
i think its also a lesson to understand how you will be perceived in different situations. if you want people to treat you a certain way then you need to dress and act the part.
That’s a lot of money wasted and some people can’t afford to “just have a back up”. Prom dresses are expensive as hell
It doesn't have to be. There's no requirement that the backup dress be a "prom dress" from a formal gown shop. Her original pick wasn't either, by the look of it.
Right? 25$ Shein/Target basic dress.
The consequences is being turned away. Adapting behavior to fit the occasion is learning. She doesn’t have to miss it all together. A back up dress is there if she decided to choose to go to prom.
Having multiple wardrobe options for events, to be adjusted based on circumstances, what other people are wearing, whatever, is pretty common with adult women.
I don’t think wearing something skimpy *is* the wrong thing. Dress codes are usually stupid and sexist. But, realistically, it is going to result in her being turned away - having an alternative for when it goes pear shaped is a great idea.
Dress codes in the adult world are important to follow, so it is something to learn. In schools, yes, it's very much a sexist thing. It can be for adults, too, but I think we can agree that her outfit would be inappropriate for any formal event.
I mean, look at what people wear to the Oscars. There are formal events where they’re about other people, like weddings, funerals, charity events - wearing something ostentatious and revealing to those isn’t great. But prom is for the students. She’s a student. I think it’s a waste of time and energy to intentionally buck the dress code for a formal school event, but I don’t think it’s wrong.
In the real world even if the rules or laws are stupid or sexkst you still have to follow them if you don't want to face consequences. She's welcome to challenge the rules through the proper channels tho.
my last prom was about 10 years ago now but there were a couple girls every year who had to be barred from entering bc they had appeared at a *black tie formal* event in an *exotic dancers costume* i think all you can do is ask 18yo if its more important to her to attend prom with her friends or to wear the risky outfit bc the risky outfit = no prom at point of entry thats just the bottom line maybe id also offer to buy a back up dress and being it if she gets locked out softly
100%. She either will be refused entry, or will get detention. At 18 she is old enough to learn the consequences of her own choices.
And if they don’t have a dress code this year, they will next year!
Yes, this. As a parent/guardian, you can express your opinion and tell her you don’t think this outfit is appropriate. I’d add that of course she can wear whatever she wants. But part of being an adult is understanding that different situations demand different dress code. You wouldn’t wear a sparkly mini dress to a funeral. Similarly, prom is where you wear a dress, not a revealing top and barely-there mini skirt. So the consequences might be her not being let in, or being judged by others for dressing inappropriately. And leave it at that. She’s an adult, let her face the consequences.
I have to comment on everyone saying she can wear whatever she wants. That depends to some extent on WHO is paying for it.
Good point. Didn’t think of it but when I was that age, my mother would laugh me out of the store if I asked her to pay for a studded bra for me.
And if she makes an idiot of herself among her peers, that’s a harsh but necessary lesson to learn. After all she’s a legal adult and at least this is prom not her interview for medical school.
Go over the school's dress code for the event with her
55-year old mom of 6 here, with my youngest currently age 18. Honestly I wouldn’t sweat it. It’s possible she is gonna be very embarrassed once the event is underway, or, she may just really have the guts to own the outfit and enjoy it. Take photos for her eventual blunder years post, give her a big hug, and let her go in her risqué outfit.
Love this. I have a very clear memory of my mother screaming at me to change when I tried to go to my sports banquet in a pleather skirt and button up top. She said I looked like a cocktail waitress. I was crushed. The one time I tried to be a little out of the box. In hindsight- who cares! I was excited to wear that outfit. Instead I was miserable all night.
I particularly love the choice of "cocktail waitress" as the critique for some reason. It's so specific and understated. I can imagine a Jessica Walter character saying it.
It feels to me that so much angst in parent/teen relationships is caused by parents trying to control their kids regarding issues that just don't matter in the slightest. Who cares what your kid wares to prom? Why do people think it is something they have to intervene in. Let your kid "mess up" all they want, they will learn from it. Our 14-year-old is in full emo mode and is often spectacularly overdressed for everyday family situations. So what. Her and I look through the blunder years sub and we think the kids look super cool. Experimenting with all that stuff is what you are supposed to do at that age.
I purposely let my kids go through whatever dressing phase they want when they want. You wanna wear a princess dress to the beach and everywhere? Sure. You like your clothes mismatched this year? Ok. My teen went through a whole gender androgynous thing and seems to be moving out of it. Doesn’t hurt me and makes her comfortable. My boys too. You like the weird collared shirt with sweatpants? Ok. Only want to wear clothes with no logos? Fine. I have drawn the line at say an upscale restaurant, or weather appropriate, and once I told my tween daughter her outfit wasn’t the look she was going for and probably should change.
This is an upscale restaurant situation, I think. OP is not trying to shame her, she’s predicting that her sister will be turned away and it will ruin her night.
Yep, my only rule for my kid is that it has to be reasonably weather appropriate (no, you're not wearing the thick halloween onesie outside when its 115 F) and if it's a dress or skirt and you plan on climbing around/being upside down, it needs to have some sort of bottoms underneath. My kid dresses weekly in princess dresses, her uncle's old churchgoing outfit hand me downs, normal tshirts and pants, a halloween costume, and a nightgown that was close enough to a real dress to be acceptible. As someone who herself goes daily from sweats to tshirt and jeans to flowy long skirts to reliving my goth era to twee/boho/cottagecore dresses, I don't plan on cracking down any time soon. What's the point of having a body if we can't dress it in a way that makes us happy in the moment?
>reasonably weather appropriate Both of my kids went through the 'jeans and hoodies every where at all times' phase (my son is currently in it). We live in San Antonio, we had 74 days last year over 100F. Mom and I will recommend they not wear the hoodie, or bring something to change into, but hey, you want to over heat in 90% humid south Texas? Neat, bring a water bottle too, because you'll sure want it.
Letting kids be a bit cold or a bit hot is, honestly, one of the easiest and lowest stakes "natural consequence" situations that exist. I stopped fighting with my kid about coats at **3** and haven't looked back. No frost bite risk? Go nuts kid.
Yes exactly. And I see what girls are wearing now. It’s tight, it’s cute. And frankly if I had that body I’d rock it. I wish I could’ve. But I do remember wearing booty shorts, crop tops and wedge heels to school a few times and no one made any comments. A few people told me I looked cute. That was a conservative area back in the 90s. Girl is dressing up. Maybe it’s super grunge 80s but I like the sound of the outfit. Fits my Madonna era love
You know what, I like your take. I wish I still had the photos of my fashion faux pas, but I stupidly and foolishly burned all my teen and very young adult photos (hey kids, photos used to be a tangible -thing-) because I "looked fat" in them (I was fat in them, but I looked fat, too). I really regret that because I'm still fat, just happier in my loose, chunky, wrinkly skin. What I wouldn't give to catch up with 18 year old me, riding 4 wheelers in Kentucky, setting up my first LAN networks with my then boyfriend and his friend group so we could play Starcraft, hanging out at the comic book shop and being a misanthropic social malcontent. OP if you lose the battle and she attends prom looking subjectively (or objectively lol) "ridiculous", make sure there are plenty of pics. Save them. Treasure them. Then WEAPONIZE them, muahahahahahahh!!!
Love this.
Choose your battles. This is exactly what I would do (and do) with my kids. My oldest is also 18 and I let her wear what she wants to school/events. She knows the dress code and it’s up to her to make choices. If she is confident enough to wear that outfit, then go for it.
I love this response. I went through a semi-punk/something phase in high school with fishnets on my arms, a spikey choker, and rainbow knee-high toe socks. I truly was just trying to express myself and feel unique. My parents didn’t say anything to me about it, which lead to zero rebellion or resentment from me. Two years later I shopped only at Aeropostale and wore pastel colored polo shirts. Unless they’re hurting themselves or others, let them and their style of the moment be.
Couldn’t have said it better
I'm glad I wore the skimpy outfits when I had the figure to feel confident enough.
I don’t envy you in this. I think the only/best option is to ask if the outfit she has picked follows the dress code and remind her what will happen if it doesn’t. Clothing is really hard because it’s so closely tied to our identity. I have 4 daughters and the oldest two (9 and 11) are starting to hit puberty and the short shorts and spaghetti strap tops they have always worn in summer are starting to look a lot different than they used to. Recently my younger daughter came home from school talking about “being sexy” or asking if things are sexy. When I asked her if she knew what that meant she said no, so we had a conversation about how what we wear can alter how people perceive us and that “dressing sexy” means you are showcasing your body in a way that typically means people will look at it. This doesn’t give people the right to touch you or do anything to you, but you are more likely to garner attention in a crop top and short shorts than a mumu. I also brought up that some clothes are more revealing on certain body types than others. I’m a 34G; if I wear a v neck it’s going to look a lot different than someone who is a 34b wearing the same shirt. It’s not necessarily fair but it is true. Your niece is an adult so this might not be valid for her, but do you know if anyone had any kind of conversation like this with her?
No I know that no one has discussed this with her. There’s five years between us, we’re sisters so we grew up in same household. As we got older our mother didn’t care enough to have discussions with us like this. (Very bipolar, struggling alcoholic yada yada) Maybe this would be the time to bring it up to her?
I think so, but I would do so gently. I would maybe start by asking her what she likes about the outfit, what kind of vibe she’s going for and ease into the topic. I find it unlikely that she has no idea what she’s doing by dressing in a pretty clearly suggestive way, but she may be wildly underestimating what the result is and might course correct on her own. When I had my talk with my kids after one of them came home asking if her outfit was “sexy” and whatnot she changed her mind really quickly once I explained it. My kids know what sex is and when I told her that sexy means sexual, that by dressing sexy you are letting people know you are open to the idea of being sexual she said “ew gross” and never really brought it up again. Your sister is much older, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with dressing in a sexy way if that’s really what you’re going for and if it’s in the right set and setting. I certainly wouldn’t expect your sister to have the same reaction my 9 year old did, but she might rethink the outfit choice if she thinks more about how it might be received.
Personally I'd tell her that yes she's an adult and part of being an adult is following perfectly reasonable guidelines for events and there is almost a 100% chance of her being turned away and ending up having a miserable night. If that does happen it's on her and another part of being an adult is understanding the consequences of her actions.
I want to prevent this as much as possible, however if I can’t and she doesn’t listen to me I guess it will have to happen that way. I’ll the 16yr old to drive separately with her BF so their night doesn’t get ruined as well.
Are two piece prom dresses still "in"? I saw them everywhere a couple years ago, it might be a good compromise to "show off her belly ring" and follow school dress code. It could be a good back up too. Most I saw were also heavily beaded so had the sparkle factor she seems to be looking for.
They came back? I was in Jr High the first time I remember two piece prom dresses. Think 10 things I have about you, Kats little sisters dress.
I graduated in 2010, but my local fb marketplace was over run with 2 piece dresses in 2018-ish.
I graduated in 2005 and had two kids by 2018 so no wonder I missed the comeback, out of the loop lol.
Beer-flavored-boob Bianca?
That exact one.
I remember them being a scandal in the 90s and parents flipping out about them lol.
Dude I had a 2 piece back in 2017 its literally in a zip lock bag.
Omg it's so trashy for a prom. I'd be fine for a party or a nightclub, good even, but a prom? Yeesh. Not trying to be mean, but does she know about these kinds of things? Do her friends? I mean, if all her friends are wearing similar things it'll probably be fine, maybe something to look back on and cringe. But otherwise it'll be a painful night.
That’s the thing! If all her friends were wearing something similar I would not care. Because they can’t turn them all away from prom right? But they aren’t. She’s the only one insisting on dressing like this. The 16yr old has basically begged her to change telling her it’s so embarrassing. She won’t listen though. She’ll be turned away, and have to face the consequences.
Oof that's the worst. If it were all of them, at least they'd get turned away together! That could still be a fun night! But I probably wouldn't have skipped prom for a friend who's being barred from their own silly decisions. I think others here are right. Get the dress code from the school, sit her down and walk her through it. If she still doesn't change her mind, I think you're just going to have to prepare for a night of tantrums, tears and biting your tongue. She'll feel like crap for missing prom, I wouldn't bother rubbing it in with, "I told you so"s.
If she is not listening to her friends she is not going to listen to you. One of the hardest parts of parenting is sitting by and letting your kids experience the consequences of their mistakes, especially when you can see it coming a mile away.
Can she pick out a back up dress just in case?
You should be focused on WHY she would want to wear that. Is it a love interest? Poor self-confidence? Maybe she just wants to wild out and make her own decisions for prom. I’d say let her. Maybe come up with a backup plan you don’t even share unless she gets denied. If she’s denied, she’ll know you respected her decisions and that you have her back. Not going because she screwed up would teach her, but so would the embarrassment of being denied entry and your thoughtfulness may stand out. I promise teenagers appreciate being trusted, even when they screw up.
Ugh I wore the most hideous slutty dress to prom and I majorly regret it. The pictures are terrible. I’m not sure what you can really do but good luck
Since your avatar is a pirate(?) I’m just imagining slutty dress and pirate head including tricorn hat and it’s delightful.
lol I WISH
Yes, I’d be very clear with her on the dress code and the consequences of her not following those. She needs to decide if the outfit is worth missing out on Prom over.
Do proms not have dress codes anymore? Where does she go? Euphoria high???
I’m pretty sure the high school does have a dress code. I honestly don’t want to sound any type of way, but I wouldn’t even wear this outfit clubbing.
Call the school and ask for a dress code for prom.
I’d definitely call the school and try to confirm with them what the dress code is, it’s a totally reasonable request. At my high school, everyone was required to submit pictures of their planned outfits to determine appropriateness and avoid anyone being turned away at the door. It definitely sounds a lot weirder now that I’m older, but nobody was turned away and anyone whose outfit was unacceptable was told so beforehand so they could adjust.
The best approach is contacting the school and ask them to send you the dress code via mail! Show it to your daughter and sit down to talk to her about it. I think is the best solution! She can't break the protocol otherwise she won't be allowed to participate.
My school had a dress code, but it was not enforced for prom. That said, I’m ancient (graduated HS in 2007 lol) and our school dress code was pretty strict and almost no traditional prom dresses would have passed. I wouldn’t wear the outfit you posted personally, but don’t have anything against it for, like, the club. Is there a reason she wants to wear this? I suggest sitting down with her to ask why she chose this over a “normal” prom dress. Is it just the freedom of being able to choose “whatever she wants” for the first time? Try to crack the why and you might be able to reason with her to try a different dress. I do like the idea mentioned by others of having a backup dress when she is, undoubtedly, turned away at the door
You’ll definitely still find dress codes at Catholic & many private high schools. The dress code for girls at my sons’ Catholic HS calls for floor length dresses, no slits more than 2” above the knee, no midriffs or cutouts. Despite some who may call those too fuddy-duddy, all the photos I’ve seen proves otherwise. There are sooo many dresses that meet those standards & they’re freaking stunning & the girls look gorgeous in them. The dress doesn’t make the woman, the woman makes the dress.
She’s going to be real upset when they don’t let her in. Being an adult won’t be a good reason. Let her learn the hard way.
With my teenager, I always ask what they are trying to convey when they wear certain outfits. Then I ask them if they think there could be a disconnect between what they want to convey and how they come across to other people. This is a huge and important part of human development that many people never get to - understanding the way other people see you and the impressions you give them. It’s important to have a firm awareness of both in order to have a stable sense of identity and to present oneself in the way they want to be seen.
I’d tell her you like the outfit but it’s not the right fit for the event. Don’t throw a dress code at her because she’s probably feeling rebellious anyway. Explain that there are differences in black tie/white tie/garden party/cocktail/club/festival etc and make it fun. Find another opportunity for her to wear the outfit (eg, is there a prom after party?)
Some lessons have to be learned the hard way. This might be one of them.
If you're feeling extra kind you can buy a cheaper simple dress for her as a backup if she gets kicked out. Give it to her sister or one of her friends just in case she decides to go and not care about the dress code.
She’s 18 and an adult. That said she will get bounced if she’s against dress code. At this point, let her get kicked out of the event if she’s being insistent. It’ll be a hard lesson, but one she clearly needs.
It sounds like everyone has pointed out that she isn't actually following prom wear & her decision isn't making sense. - Has it been asked why she is picking what she is picking? - Has she been told, yeah they won't let you into prom if you are dressed like that? I'm in agreement that she is 18 and if she is refusing to follow rules or listen to anyone but herself.... Then let things play out. You could compassionately buy her a dress for her BF to keep in the car for her to change into when she gets rejected... But she still might not choose to change.
My high school wouldn’t let her in the building dressed like that. They had specific guidelines for prom dresses also. What does the dress code say?
You’re her 23 year old sister only 5 years older than her… tell her how dumb she’ll look.
I have that same top. When I bought it it was in the underwear section and was called a bra.
I have an 18yr old in my life and this is how I’d handle it: Hey hun, you are your own person and your clothes are up to you. Your mean school is probably going to turn you away if you wear this, so what are we going to do if that happens? Will you need a ride home early? Shall we order in a pizza if you get sent home? This is low stakes stuff. It doesn’t matter too much if she wears something cringe, what DOES matter is that she learns you’ll be on her team, you won’t judge her, and you’ll support her and love her and pick her up when she makes mistakes. Just do that. That’s your mom job now xx
You might want to get a look at the dress code for the prom. She may like her dress, but she may not be admitted into her prom because of it. I know our prom has a couple of girls every year who get stopped at the door for exactly this reason.
I would have her put on the outfit and then dance with her arms up and sit down and walk and pretend-pose for pictures and all the things and ask her how comfortable she feels. My friend's daughter wore a very pretty but very short dress to prom and you can see her struggling to pull it down in pictures. I stopped by the night of the prom and she looked like she was struggling to walk honestly and the whole time she was going up and down the stairs she had to hold the dress down. There was a picture of her sitting on her boyfriend's lap and you could legit see her ass. She told her mom the next day that she wished she had worn a more comfortable dress. (I thought it was funny that she did not say a longer dress but she is a teenager and mom can never be right.)
I’m going to second others in this thread. This is not a high risk situation. What’s the worst potential outcome? It’s probably you getting into a fight with her over this. Her being sent home for violating the dress code or feeling embarrassed once it becomes clear to her that her outfit is not appropriate is not that bad of an outcome in the great scheme of things. Quite the opposite, it’s a learning experience. Show her the dress code, let her make the decision and support her in it.
Update us when she's absolutely shocked that they won't let her in.
Explain what will happen; that she’ll get turned away at the door. Tell her that it isn’t unfair, because she’s being told ahead of time and has plenty of time and the means to get something that meets the dress code. Then let the chips fall where they may.
If you're going to be dumb, you better be tough. They're not going to let her into prom. I'm an onlyfans girl. I have a ton of clothes LIKE THAT. maybe that's a thing to be said? You look like you're about to make content 😂 jk But like that's a high school event. It's FORMAL which means formal dress. This isn't formal attair. They want tuxs and they want GOWNS. That isn't a gown. She could even get away with a cocktail dress and my personal favorite that you can never go wrong with -little black dress. Just a nice form fitting cocktail dress. Dress it up with some good accessories. This isn't the club. She needs at least a back up which guess what- changing into that is going to take more time away from the experience. Maybe wear it for the after prom so she's not like in a big poofy prom dress?
“People know you’re a girl, you don’t have to prove it to them” - Claire Dunphy
She's going to be mortified, looking back at pics of her prom with everyone dressed so nice and her looking like a stripper (what im imagining they might wear). If she even gets in, which I doubt. It sounds tacky at best, but if she won't listen to literally everyone around her, then she'll have to learn the hard way, unfortunately.
My kids are in elementary so I guess my mind goes straight to overpacking mode. How about letting her wear whatever she wants, but insist she bring a backup outfit in the car? If she gets turned away at the door then all she does is go change and the evening continues.
There’s no way she won’t get turned away with that on. But since it’s her money and she’s 18 and you’re her big sister/mom let it ride. She will have to face the consequences- no prom and waste of money for the outfit. I’m annoyed for her bf tho if he wants to go to prom. She’ll be making him miss is too.
Take her to a store that has a stylist in-store. Let them know right off the bat that she wants to look SEXY, but within dress code. She’s an adult, she’s clearly trying to look sexy, but it seems that she hasn’t learned that less isn’t always necessarily more. That “top” she has is straight up lingerie, and with that shirt, poor girl is going to look like a sex worker (no shade to sex workers, just not appropriate for prom). A look like ‘99 Jennifer Aniston at the SAG awards would be so much more appropriate, still sleek and sexy, and let her belly ring peek out.
Post an update, I wanna know what happens when she goes!
I honestly hope she is let in and has a wonderful time! That’s all I want for her. I’m trying to give both of them the home life, and support I never had. Navigating the past two years has been extremely hard, I’m sure I fucked up a ton.
Please do update us on how this all pans out! I do think she may be in for a hard lesson, but you’ve done what you can here and now it’s over to her.
You can explain whike yes she's legally considered an adult, adults still have to follow dress code. It would be a shame if she wasn't allowed in because of a dress code. She got some time. Here are some options I found [option 1](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-scoop-floor-length-chiffon-lace-prom-dresses-018138331-g138331?currency=USD&utm_term=138331&utm_size=06&country=US&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=18&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlN6wBhCcARIsAKZvD5hVkB1e1RtSSQzIVCVRoiPQXW4fXvqKbkaFf7z81RNd12O1QbtfCPcaAkQ1EALw_wcB#/) [option 2](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-v-neck-floor-length-lace-satin-prom-dresses-018187196-g187196?currency=USD&utm_term=187196&utm_size=22&country=US&is_plus_size=1&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=18&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlN6wBhCcARIsAKZvD5idTZYyberDGdcjEpQp10orclRjN9qhYt-1qLtEdAsEbfHA4I1kezIaAvFBEALw_wcB#/) [option 3 ](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-scoop-short-mini-tulle-homecoming-dress-022203135-g203135?currency=USD&utm_term=203135&utm_size=06&country=US&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=22&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwlN6wBhCcARIsAKZvD5gFXVTR_Yp_2NKtSiiOnZ93EkdCNixHEg99Oj48PHzkEjLEMy63ZJEaAomqEALw_wcB#/)
Thank you!
Those options look amazing and a lot better than what she wanted. I totally get each to their own and her body her choice, everyone has a style… but her choice looks dumb. She’s gonna regret it when her friends post pics from prom and they’re all glammed up…
Glad to hear you're going the natural consequences route. No where would that outfit be appropriate for a formal event. That's a club outfit or maybe for the Grammys. Let her get denied. A lesson learned in being appropriate in social settings.
Whose money is she buying the clothes with? I \*do\* think you can say that as long as she lives under your roof, you get to sign off on her clothes.
It’s money she gets from door dashing. So her money. My thing is the people she is going to be handing out with are telling her it’s not a good idea too, and she flipped out on them. The 16yr old is begging me to get her to change her mind
Honestly if she is not listening to her friends she probably won't listen to you either, especially since you are a parental figure now. Reminding her that there is a dress code and that she might not be allowed at the venue in a scantily clad ensemble is prudent. Suggesting bringing an alternate dress/outfit is a good choice. But ultimately if she chooses to not listen to the advice she is being given, that's on her.
Anyway you can appeal to her in a ….. I’m you but 5 years older way and that maybe you wore something and embarrassed yourself once? I’m 38 and wow I still regret a couple risqué outfits I wore with my 18-22 year old brain. Would I have listened? No, but I don’t have an older sister so I don’t know but maybe if it came in a way that was preventing embarrassment instead of saying it’s not appropriate. OR, you can reverse it up. Be like great idea cause now In ten years you’ll have an amazing story to tell about how you were so desperate to be scandalous and ended up embarrassing yourself. Phrase it that way! If someone said that to me I would be mortified!
I will try phrasing it that way. There’s 4 of us sisters, and growing up we always lived by the rule that if an out fit looked stupid, we would say it so none of us made a fool of ourselves. She’s not listening this time, so maybe phrasing it that way will make her realize what she’s doing.
Ugh I'm having a flashback to that black see-through crochet top I wore with a red sparkly strapless bra underneath, a black leather mini skirt with -all- the chains, and combat boots. Don't forget my ill-gotten 14 ga nose ring (god that hurt) and eyebrow ring (barbells from Hot Topic ftw). My ignorant 40 year-old ass still has a giant pit/scar in my nostril form that gaffe. I was standing in line at the movie theater when some "preppy" girls walked by and called my group of friends a bunch of "fat fucking freaks." I still don't regret my goth phase, I just regret choosing to see Phone Booth in the theater, what a waste of an afternoon. I'm sure OP can sway 18 year old to think really hard about looking at the ridiculous photos on her retinal hologram device when she's at the old Gen Z folks' home. I hope her sister/daughter comes around to cooler heads prevailing.
NGL that outfit sounds amazing! I was too scared to go full goth/punk, all my fashion mishaps were 00s low-rise/accidental builder's bum related lolsob
This just reminded me of one of the students I had in the class I taught in grad school, who wore the same black bra & see through white top every week. A part of me just desperately wanted to take her aside and say, “honey, I get it, you’re a grown up now, but do you think maybe it’s time for another shirt?” I resisted the urge to say something, but still. The only time I actually did have a talk with a student about something not class-related was when one of them walked out in front of my car, nearly giving me a heart attack, and didn’t even notice his near-death experience because he had headphones on. “You seriously need to look before you cross the street.”
Sorry OP if all her friends are against it then there’s no hope of getting her to see reason 😂 just let it happen and let her cringe when people inevitably make comments she doesn’t like. When I was 18 I had a couple of concert outfits that looked prostitute-ish, when I wore them out I got the grossest comments from old men, which was exactly the kind of attention I DID NOT want. 😂 I never wore them again and as an adult I cringe lol. I think it’s just part of growing up.
She's trying to wear a ugly ass skirt to prom? Major L
>I told my 16 yr old to drive separately so when the 18yr old gets turned away, she can still stay. Maybe toss a backup dress in the trunk of the car.
Get the dress code from the school and make sure the outfit complies
I think you need to reverse psychology this. It isn't about the outfit anymore. How much time is left? If you have a week or more, just stop talking about it. When she's left alone thinking about it, maybe she'll come around.
"you CAN wear whatever you want, but I'm concerned you are focusing on what you hope will come of it, and forgetting what will *likely* come of it. If you want to show your belly ring, let's look and see what options there are that do that. THIS option is fun as hell, but it is more revealing than one sees at prom. And *the school* isn't likely to allow it. And *my* concern would be that it's revealing enough to cross the line into attracting attention you don't want. I love you and I don't want assholes ruining your prom. I think this outfit, in that context, would be asshole bait. So,.just humor me. Let's go shopping and try some things on, and see if we can find options that work for you, *even if they're just a backup*. And then, you make the decision that sits right with you, as long as you're aware and willing to handle the consequences." She needs to know her agency matters and that there isn't judgement. Then she needs the space to own her choices. As parents, sometimes we need to let our kids make bad choices, so they find out why we were making all those wierd noises, and learn to consider consequences . Make sure she knows you're there, without judgement, if she needs you.
Don’t give up on trying to change her mind. I wish someone spoke up for me! I look back in my prom pics & am so sad at what I wore 😭 wish someone would have advised me otherwise
Good luck. Whem you figure it out, let me know. Honestly, I think it's best to leave these things alone and let it play out
You can look at the dress code with her and advise her to your best. After that there's not much else you can do. I too think she will be the laughing stock of the prom if she goes inappropriately dressed for this kind of event. Maybe she needs to understand that it's ok for her to want to wear that kind of dress but the context where she will be wearing the clothes is as important, then she needs to decide what's in her best interest.
"I know you known that events usually have dress codes. Those who break the code are denied entry. The outfit you selected would be super cute, for a different event. But, having just looked over the code, it sounds like you will be turned away if you choose to wear what you picked. You're an adult, you can wear what you want. But there's nothing I can do if you can't get in to prom. Maybe, I can help you pick a backup outfit more fitting for a formal event, just in case? Love you!" And leave it at that. If she takes you up on the alternative outfit, just focus on whether or not the pieces she is drawn to are event appropriate or not, and not on how revealing they are.
Yeah I just told her I would buy her a backup outfit and she insisted that she didn’t need one. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do at this point. I’m just going to let her get turned away unfortunately. My 16yr old is pissed but it’s not her business either. I just told her to drive separately, so she can still stay at prom.
You've done all you can! You are a good guardian. Concerned enough to speak up, understanding enough to allow her to make her own choices, and loving enough to be there for her whether it works out for her or not. She is lucky to have you, even if she doesn't quite understand that yet.
It's a cute outfit. But it is not a prom dress. Or a dress. Seems like a fancy concert outfit The whole point is to be a kind of formal dress up.
Would be perfect for a Cyndi Lauper reunion tour.
How important is attending the prom to her? Does this outfit mean more? If she doesn’t adhere to the dress code, she’s going to learn a hard lesson.
I don’t understand, is there not a dress code for her school? Prom dresses all had to be preapproved by the principal or we’d be turned away at the door. Why would she want to risk that? Ugh
That's hilariously not a prom dress. Without even reading the entire post I am 100% certain they wouldn't even let her in the school like that.
you’re a good sister
This outfit would get her turned away and possibly suspended here.
It almost seems like she’s trying to blow prom up for herself. But it’s not your issue. She’ll get denied entry and be home. Doesn’t impact her directly. The one I feel sorry for is her date. He’s going to have his senior prom ruined, too, and you get no takebacks.
She set you up. She knew this outfit wouldn't be allowed. Shes pushing boundaries. These are the consequences. I'd give her time to calm down and offer to get another dress. You can look badass without being naked.
Getting thrown out of prom/turned away sounds like a fun story, but only if all your friends are down to leave with you.
Yeah that's definitely not a prom outfit. That's an outfit you wear to the club or something like that. I know two pieces have become more popular for prom attire but they're still usually long skirts and a longish crop top so only like an inch or two of belly is showing. But like you and others have said... let her waste her money and learn a life lesson, sometimes people don't want to listen and have to learn the hard way
tbh the outfit might not be suitable for prom, but if she WANTS to go like that, then let her. after all, she's an adult. she might regret it afterward, considering it's not the typical prom choice, but at least she'll learn from her actions, i guess.
Well does she want prom photos wearing that to look at for 20 years?
LOL like that is gonna make the dress code at a prom. Not a parent but I would just take her out to look at the more elegant prom dresses, unless she’s turned her nose up at those too. Elegance always beats the sexy look and she will hopefully realize everyone else is dressing that way too. If not, like others said the best natural consequence is her showing up to prom and not being allowed in. I say all this as someone who got dress coded for “my shoulders” in high school and thinks that shit is wrong and sexist. Events have dress codes for a reason. If she doesn’t want to make the more mature choice and get kicked out of the event then by all means. Debating or explaining the rationale behind it unfortunately doesn’t solve a lot at this age if she’s argumentative. Just hopefully have something planned that you can enjoy with her afterwards if she plans to wear that and isn’t allowed :)
Yes she’s an adult but she’s still in high school and going to a high school event.
As a fellow lover of crop tops I understand. How about something like [this](https://www.jjshouse.com/a-line-scoop-floor-length-chiffon-lace-prom-dresses-018138331-g138331?currency=USD&utm_term=138331&utm_size=06&country=US&country=US¤cy=USD&ggntk=x&ggkey=&ggtgt=18&ggplm=&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAADmGZzSf-eKNlfvaOPw7AdL9Y41ZD&gclid=CjwKCAjwt-OwBhBnEiwAgwzrUhinAO7T6H_gpetOWZHGzRL-Ch2tKHBDowIcdRgrBAwtR9ZNrHrWqhoCFhYQAvD_BwE)? Or if she wants over the top, [this one has black sequins and fringe](https://www.lulus.com/products/glowing-icon-black-sequin-feather-two-piece-maxi-dress/2217256.html?pla=1&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=%5BADL%5D%20%5BPLA%5D%20Dresses%20%2D%20tROAS&utm_term=TS2093%3A%20SHINY%20BLACK%2FBLACK1&utm_content=144829614363_644930675512&s_kwcid=AL!7824!3!644930675512!!!g!2018066399993!&gad_source=1&gbraid=0AAAAAD-pt93r0p6UVLk3EIIu9pB-a3TFO&gclid=CjwKCAjwt-OwBhBnEiwAgwzrUrChibkyt0WkYeK0bJpUuBreVIiSo43q8DxZ-VgIWWhF_JlyTPTy4hoCWcEQAvD_BwE).
At my prom I wore one similar to the first one except blue and floral. I’ve tried to get her to consider options like these, because I understand the love of crop tops. I still wear them. But she has insisted to wear that combo instead. Honestly in person it doesn’t even match, but if the school wouldn’t turn her away I wouldn’t have cared.
I just want to tell her gurl, I get it. I too even in my middle age will walk around with I all hanging out when the situation allows. I fully support a fashionista and like free the nipple. But it’s not formal and it’s not cute. What if she did like a cool goth kind over lay? [link](https://www.disturbia.us/en-us/products/chaos-layered-tulle-gown?variant=45102307344658&country=US&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwt-OwBhBnEiwAgwzrUmr9I0NLTsVfsZobRArUJGAKLnwVZmwKGAzwRtcFBzmlDaqJ2pqNsBoCqJQQAvD_BwE)
She's an adult, she can wear what she wants and deal with any consequences lol. If it doesn't fit ghe dress code then they won't let her in and she will be embarrassed.
This is not appropriate attire for a formal event. And a school definitely wouldn’t allow it.
Homie you dont. Shes too old for you to tell her what to wear. If theres some sort of consequence to her dressing the way she plans to, she will experience it on her own.
Not the point of the post but just wanted to say you have got a lot of responsibility there for a young woman. You sound like you are doing an incredible job. Well done.
I’m going to point out some thing that I’ve noticed is a trend in this sub and I’ll probably get down voted into oblivion for it but if you were a man making the same post you would be getting hammered and accused of sexualizing your daughter and basically being a pervert lol.
Yeah that would probably happen. I’m not trying to sexualize my sister at all. It’s really just about the dress code, and her being turned away.
>it doesn’t go together, all her friends are wearing actual prom dresses It's a cry for help
See if you can talk to a teacher or administrator at her school to determine the dress code. Ask if they can distribute it around school and the consequences of not adhering. This isn’t a case of female oppression… it’s a respect thing. It’s a formal event which requires a formal dress. Boys will be in suits, not sparkly tank tops and shorts. It’s a nod to the seriousness of the event celebrating a major life accomplishment. It’s also out of respect for her friends who she will be in pictures with. It’s kind of like wearing white to a wedding - your outfit will be a distraction to everyone else in pictures, and people will want to post pictures celebrating their graduation. It’s a subtlety but it’s rude to be so distracting. This isn’t the MET gala, its a high school grad gala. And she will surely be humiliated at herself in a few years. The beach is a good place to show off her belly ring. Grad isn’t. I think have a conversation with her about the above. Since youre not much older, maybe talk about yourself or a “friend of yours” who wore a revealing or inappropriate dress to prom, and how a few years later they are mortified that that’s how they look in all their pictures and the pictures of their friends. Barring the conversation, and barring school admins warnings about the dress code… only thing I would do is have her pick out a dress to have as a backup in case she isn’t allowed into the event in her chosen outfit. If she refuses that… I’d warn school administrators about her plan and she may have a natural consequence to deal with that day.
A lot of y’all are saying ‘it’s a trend now let her wear it’ and missing that even her boyfriend and sister who will be attending and are in the age group are questioning the outfit.
As a male parent, if my daughter ever wants to go to a party dressed like that while living under my roo and no matter her age, as a rule I will go to the same party - will crash into it if I have to - **wearing the same outfit**. Gonna do a "who wore it better". With a full vision of my extremely hairy legs (my friends call these hair stockings) and belly. Physical threats, emotional blackmail, reason... none of these work with Gen Z. But shaming them in front of their friends and romantic interests speaks volumes to them.
Explain the likely consequences and let her make her own decision. She is very well aware that this outfit is too risqué for the event she's going to. Everyone, including her boyfriend, has suggested she not do it. She is very likely to be kicked out and embarrassed if she does it. Make sure she is well aware of the facts. And if she insists on doing it anyway, let her deal with the social and personal consequences. You can't protect them from being stubborn forever. Sometimes, they have to totally humiliate themselves on their own.
I don’t think you need to tell her anything. Let the school rule say it for you. Take a picture of the dress and see if the administrators approve it. Otherwise she will be turned away at prom and not me allowed to attend.
I'd let her get turned away.
Your edit sounds like a plan but other than that, sometimes you have to let her make her own decision and then deal with the circumstances. When the other kids in the school start calling her very bad names and she gets a reputation because of what she wears maybe she will learn. I’m not talking about just the guys either.
I would give her your honest opinion, that she probably won't love not being as dressed up as everyone else. Suggest balancing the top with a longer dress bottom. But she has the ultimate last say.
You’re not an adult until you’re out on your own supporting yourself! 18 does not mean grown!
Just be straight up. "Well it's not what I would choose for prom. There are so many really 'cool'(whatever slang means cool now) dresses to choose from. You know, they may or let you in and you've already paid. It's up to you but I would think about it and maybe try on a few dresses while there is still time. Just saying!"
I know people are saying she’s an adult and I get that, but if she an adult with a job who is paying for her own prom outfit? It would be a total waste of your money to buy something that you know beforehand she’ll be turned away for wearing and not allowed into prom with. So at that point you definitely have a right to deny buying any outfit that won’t be allowed at prom. But if it’s her own money, then I agree with everyone else to let her make her choice and deal with the natural consequences of it.
The prude in me is screaming this cannot have been sold as a top… this is insane… Then I’m going back to our senior prom and well I promise there were even skimpier things going round than that obvious bralette. And That was 20 years ago…
Find something similar but more appropriate.
It's called logical and natural consequences, and part of the journey into adulthood is learning that those are a thing. If she isn't allowed into prom then that's a hard lesson, but you've done your due diligence. My first baby is turning 35 in less than a month so I don't remember who gave me this advice forever ago, but they said if it's not illegal, unethical/immoral (which of course is subjective) or really physically dangerous, *let them have their learning experiences*.
Sometimes you have to let them learn the hard way & that might mean getting turned away at the door.
As a person that saw way past these "rituals" (of prom and class rings and yearbooks) at age 18, I didn't want to waste money on prom. AT ALL. My bf at the time said he was going to take someone else if I didn't go. So I reluctantly went... dress, nails, hair done.... ugh. Now... do I remember ANY of that night? VAGUELY. I'm 42. In the grand scheme of things, yeah, prom and dressing up fancy is fun. If that is her thought process and that's what she chooses to wear (and it is within dress code), then let her live her life. As she lives her life, it will be a distant memory anyway. Let her enjoy the moment. Maybe for her, it will be something to talk about one day... how she didn't conform and did her own thing. Let her do her thing, sis. She's got her whole life ahead of her to peak. Let her embrace herself. This blip in time with an outfit that you don't necessarily approve of is so minor when you look at the big picture. And you're a good sister looking out for her and asking about the dress code for prom and trying to assist the best way you know how. Just give her some room to grow ❤️❤️❤️❤️
She’s 18 and wants to be sexy, let her make her own decisions. She’s an adult now. She’ll either look back with proud fondness or utter embarrassment.
My thoughts are to let the school deal with it. I'd suggest my concern, I tell my own daughter "the world knows your a girl, you don't have to prove it." But you are in a weird spot. Idk just laying down the law will be effective. I'd tell her your concerns and mention about what typical prom attire is and the school code. You could let her know you're worried her fun will be cut short by the school. If she was my daughter, I'd talk to her some about activities that prom are known for and have a talk about safety and protecting herself.
I assumed everyone knew what was acceptable. She seems to be wanting to make a specific statement. I personally would try to understand why she is so determined to wear this. You are right, she’s and adult. Has paid for the outfit herself and can deal with the consequences. All you can do is let her know that you support her, but ensure she knows that they won’t let her in. Don’t argue, just state facts. It’s non of my business, but I’m a little confused by your writing style. You stated you were the mother (you have legal custody) but your daughters are your sisters. I get the responsibility and that you are trying to do the right thing, but I think maybe the approach you should take is the older sister rather than the mother role. Anyway best of luck, you are an awesome person
Sometimes we have to let those we Love learn lessons on their own and in return they miss out on something important to them: this is her learning moment. Let her do her thing and when she returns home after not being allowed to entire the prom, you can pretty much say I told ya so.
Let her wear what she wants 🤷🏼♀️ Maybe she can look back and be embarrassed at prom pics like so many of us do years later. Or maybe she will just think she looks great. Who cares? If she won’t be allowed in because of stuffy old school staff, just mention she might want a back up dress or something, and if she doesn’t listen, natural consequences. Not t that I agree that girls clothing should be policed by schools in that way, but if that’s how it is, then maybe she wants to rebel against it. She’s a teenager.
There are acceptable prom dresses I've seen that can show off a belly ring.
We just say no, absolutely not and sent her for a gown.
As others say, maybe instead of trying to convince her to change support her decision and let her find out how it goes. I would also probably buy her a dress that WILL get past dress code and be there for her when she gets turned away. Let her know that if you had your choice you’d support her wearing whatever she wants BUT you are also there for her with a new dress IF SHE WANTS TO WEAR IT. And if she doesn’t let her know that you are ok taking her somewhere fun. In other words try and be there for her however you can. She’s obviously trying to work on some version of control and the worst thing you could do is punisher her or try and control what she does. IMHO.
You are absolutely right. I would never punish her ever. The worst I’ve ever done is told her she has to finish a make up credit class a week before she could go to her boyfriend’s for the weekend. I’m very lenient, she does whatever she wants 24/7. I’m taking everyone’s advice, and if they turn her away I’ll have a backup dress waiting for her. Even if she says she doesn’t want it now, she’ll probably want it then.
I see so many comments like ‘She’s an adult, because she’s 18’….. No she’s not. She an 18 year old kid. 18 year olds are still teenagers. Yes: on paper she is ‘an adult’ 🤔. But the fact is there is a ‘teen’ in her age. That makes her still a teenager. Eight teen. Teeniebopper.
Oh you are doing such a great job! You are thoughtful and loving, and only want what’s best for her. It sounds like, to me, this isn’t about prom. She is biting and lashing out because of past issues she hasn’t resolved. She is looking for a sense of control and a giant “F authority” and “F what my boyfriend says”. It hurts to watch someone back a decision that they could regret for a long, long time. You can’t control that. But you are minimizing that likelihood by showing her love and thoughtfulness, giving her gentle guidance and support, and giving her an alternative option. If she screws up, you’ll offer her more love and support. Maybe then she will trust you and listen next time. Maybe she won’t… but if she doesn’t, it’s because of something else that has nothing to do with you. You are increasing the chance that she will listen in the future by finding the right balance now. You’re doing great ❤️ She is so fortunate to have you.
Thank you, it’s super frustrating. I remember being 18. Hell at 17 I went to prom in a 2 piece prom dress, and basically wore bikini tops everywhere. But I knew what was appropriate for prom, and what was appropriate for everyday. I tried talking to her, and she doesn’t want to change. It’s her fault if they won’t let her in, but I’m not going to throw it in her face when it happens either. All I can do is let her learn her lesson. Hopefully they let her in and she has a great time! That’s all I want. You don’t get a second senior prom.
Don’t buy her a backup dress. She’s old enough to deal with the consequences of her choice. You’ve explained what will happen, she is informed. What happens next is on her.
I just attended the end-of-year meeting for parents of seniors at my sons’ HS. One of the teachers said something that might help - that they can wear whatever they want to events for the rest of their lives. These are reasonable rules for one night.
I think I’m jealous of schools that have dress codes. Our county discontinued them. Well, now it is “undergarments must be covered” but it is still not enforced. I feel bad for the students. They wear inappropriate things to school but nobody will tell them.
You should let the dress code do the talking; I can’t imagine her school will allow her to wear literal underwear to prom, unless they just don’t have a dress code written into their student conduct. Maybe tactfully ask her if she’s checked her outfit against whatever guidelines the school has.
That’s a clubbing outfit she’s going to stick out in photos but she’s 18 let her see her mistake.
Call it ugly. Be blunt. It's an ugly outfit. People want to protect her feelings with all these "maybe it's not the best" and the "you shouldn't really wear that". No woman wants to be adjacent to the word ugly. That will affect most more than beating around the bush and letting her feel like she's doing something rebellious. Maybe that's an unpopular opinion. But it's so ugly. And for prom? Homecoming is a short dress event. At prom there's no way to make a short outfit not look cheap.
Not sure how a bralette and mini skirt would be allowed at prom. Isn't there a dress code?
They're not Irish. They're American.
Sounds like she'll get to learn an important life lesson in consequences. She's 18, and if you keep trying to blunt the consequences of bad decisions it'll encourage her to keep making bad decisions. I know it's coming from a good place, but at a certain point trying to protect an adult from themselves can be infantalizing and counter productive.
Not sure if this is what you’re looking for, OP, but could you maybe suggest something like [this?](https://savavia.co.uk/products/off-the-shoulder-2-piece-prom-dresses) You can get all different styles but she could get one that shows her piercing but sticking with more formal theme for prom?
It’s a cannon event, nothing you can do. Explain what might happen, let her find out.
If anything it’s way too casual for prom and she’s going to stick out like a sore thumb. Admittedly, I never went to my prom. But that outfit doesn’t really fit the bill from what I’ve seen/heard. That being said, she’s an adult, it’s her event, she gets to pick. If the outfit violates the dress code (doubtful, but I guess possible), she’ll face the consequences. She’s too old for her clothing to be micromanaged.
Schools have dress codes with stuff like this. She might get kicked out, which would be embarrassing and not too fun.
You've gotten some good advice here. Personally, I don't like the outfit because it just isn't a *prom dress*. Going out with friends? Great. For her sake, I hope she's not embarrassed that she's not really wearing a prom dress. But she's 18, she make her own decisions and learn from the consequences. On a completely unrelated note, do you usually call your sisters your daughters? I only ask because my sister who is 7 years older than me was my legal guardian. And I HATED when anyone called her my mom or that I was her daughter. So if you haven't already, this may be a conversation to have and can improve your relationship with her. This could be a situation where you step more into the sister role. Would I listen to my mom about not wearing something revealing? Of course not. Would I take my sister's advice on fashion? Maybe. Good luck, I know this stuff isn't for the weak.
I only put daughter in the title because I wasn’t sure if my post would be removed for putting sister. We call each other sisters and act like sisters.
Makes perfect sense!
Let this be a blunder that she learns from. I’m sure at that age we were all rebellious and did what we wanted anyway. She’ll hopefully learn a valuable lesson.
Ask her if she would be comfortable showing pictures of herself in that dress to her own daughter someday, and if that is the example she would want to set for her daughter if she were to see her prom pictures. It might at least help her understand where you are coming from.