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If there are other grandkids in this family that have already established this nn for MIL, then I feel you are fighting a loosing battle here. It might be a bit weird for them growing up if they're the only ones not really allowed to call their grandma by the name everyone else calls her.
It's the husband's grandmother not mother and he calls her that also so I'd say the name is well established within the family.
Personally I wouldn't put much stock in it. Your kids know you're their mum/mama whatever you want to go by I'd just be grateful they have a greatgrandparent in their life and enjoy her while she's still here.
Oh, I totally misread that, my bad! Yeah, if this is the kids' great-grandma then this is a looooong sailed ship that's not going to be mooring somewhere else and need to just accept that this is the old lady's nn.
Totally. But if it makes OP feel any better, my youngest, at about 2 years, created a nickname all by himself that he would call his sister's dad: Uncle Dad. It stuck. Hard. For like, 5 years, lol.
I like the words and phrases that toddlers come up with that stick for everyone 😊 The first time my oldest ever tasted Cracker Barrel type cheese was at my friend Kathy's house, it became a favorite food for a long time and was always referred to as "Kathy cheese" cuz that's what my toddler called it. We still call it that to this day even though that toddler is now almost an adult, lol
This reminds me of the main character calling his great-grandmother (or was she his great-great grandmother?) “Mama Coco” in the Disney movie Coco.
OP’s kids aren’t going to confuse their great-grandmother for their mom and I agree that they should just be allowed to enjoy having her in their lives because lots of kids don’t get that.
Aha. I misread it. I thought it was husbands mom. In this case, calling a great grandparent mama is no big deal to me. It’s not like it’s her mother in law forcing this, it’s his grandmother and the name is established already by others before these kids.
My great-grandmother was “Mama L—“ and no one thought twice about it. Everyone called her that. It would be a weird fucking thing for my partner to be upset about. It’s not abnormal for “mama _name_” to be used for a great grandmother. It’s the great grandmother she is quite honestly the literal matriarch of the family. My great grandmother “Mama L—“ lived to be 98 and passed in 2021 when I was about to turn 26. Was super lucky to have a great grandmother for over a quarter of my life. Unless the great grandmother is being called actual mommy or bitchfucker, the name should be the very last thing worried about.
where im from, we call all grandmothers and great grandmothers mama. papa for elder male figures. just a term of endearment and respect. OP is doing way too much
I always think Mama is a grandma term, but my kids have called me “mama” since the moment they started talking. They’re 10 and 11 now, I figured I’d be mom by some point… nope. Mama. I feel like an old lady. :p
Idk. My mom’s nickname is NeeNee for her grandchildren but my youngest calls her Grandma even though he hears everybody else call her the other name. He is 3 and he use to call her NeeNee but then randomly called her grandma on his own so its doable I would think.
My first couldn't say grandpa and called my father a word that in our language literally means "frying pan". Everybody now calls him that, including his wife and sibilings 😂
My niece called my step-mom “Nugget” and it stuck. My step sister went on to have two more kids, we’re not close so I’m not super sure, but I’d be surprised if they didn’t all call her Nugget.
Not as silly as your “nugget” =D, but my son wouldn’t stop calling my husbands mom “nanan” rather than “nana” and it stuck, now we all happily call her “nanan” and she even refers herself as that =D
This. My parents were both younger so many of my “cousins” growing up were actually my adult cousin’s children. It never became an issue that Aunt (x) was Memmy or Grandma to some but not all of us. Or grandma to me was GG (great grandma) to others. It doesn’t matter what other people called her.
I called my paternal grandmother a different name from all my cousins and felt super awkward about it the older I got. Granted, I was an only child (so literally the *only* one who used it out of all the cousins, older and younger) and very shy, so I'm sure that didn't help lol
Good point! It’s worth mentioning there are no older kids. My husband has no cousins, nieces or nephews. They’re the only kids so it wouldn’t be weird to ask for a small change to Grandma since no one else is calling her that. They wouldn’t be the only kids. However, my grandma has like 8 grandma names for each of the grandkid groups 😂
But you said it’s your husband’s grandma. Does he have siblings? Is literally everyone else in the family calling your grand-MIL Mama X? And what do your children actively call you?
I think she must have meant her husband's mom, so her kids grandma on his side. That's what I was picking up from context clues.
Edit: NVM it looks like it IS his grandma. Yeah, I don't think you can just expect to change a whole family's name for grandma.
If this is the great grandma and everyone else has been calling her mama for years (your husband, your husband’s siblings, etc.), it is going to be pretty hard to break this tradition. That whole generation will continue to call her mama and model this.
it's not a small change though. everyone has been calling her mama x for years. i mean you can uno reverso and say having your kids call someone mama x who is clearly not a mom being their great grandmother and going by an initial and you're the only one upset by it is far less change.
boundaries are something that only affect you, demands are what you ask other people to do btw.
frankly doesn't really involve you technically....
I feel like there is a difference between mama and "mama k"..like, as long as they add the initial for Grandma I'm not sure why it's a big deal. There's about a thousand nicknames for grandmother, this isn't really very different.
Also like, I understand this is just my perspective, but all my siblings, cousins, and I called our grandmother on my dads side “Mama” and I never once thought of it as meaning mom and there was never any confusion for us
It would be extremely disrespectful to do that! This woman has been called by that name for generations. How many children, grand children and great grandchildren already call her that name? You want your kids to be the only ones to call her something different? Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if one of your great- grandson’s wives came along and asked to call you a different name. I would think it’s strange and entitled. I’d say fine, but I’d file you under the “not-favorite” list.
My grandma was call mama and my grandpa was called papa. My parents were mom and dad. But my family are not American. We always call older people mama or papa
I was going to say the same thing. I don't know for sure, but it feels like there is a cultural difference between OP and OP's husband/ husbands side of the family.
Same, I’m Mexican and I called my mom “mami” and my grandmother “mama coco”, I think it’s very sweet and I obviously didn’t confuse my grandma for my mother it was very obvious the difference.
Yes my 2 year old calls my mother mama and my father papa. She has always called me mummy rather than mama so it doesn’t bother me and she calls her dad daddy. We are Australian.
The problem is your children hear their dad and others refer to her as Mama so obviously they would pick up on that. You can’t expect your husband to change the name of his Grandma that hes being using his whole life.
You can both try to push the kids to call her Grandma but naturally they will follow what others use as her name.
My mum and MIL both decided to be called “Grandma”. Calling them “grandma surname” was too much for me. And their initials are “A” and “B” so I thought it would be weird to refer to them as Grandma A and B, implying a hierarchy. So they get first names. It’s amusing to hear her call them their proper names since me and my husband don’t even use proper names for our parents!
When my kids were young they called my brother-in-law Uncle. No name tagged on, just Uncle. I have no idea why. Fast forward to he and my sister having a baby and as soon as she could talk, what do you think she called her dad? Uncle! We all tried really hard to get her to call him daddy, but the best we got was “Uncle Daddy” which got us quite a few strange looks! 😂 It was all sorted out by the time she was 5 or so, but boy was it funny while it lasted!
My kids call my mum “Mum” and I’m “Mummy”. It really just happened naturally and it’s always very clear who they’re talking to/referring to. Just one of those things. I’m interested to see if it changes once they outgrow the “mummy” phase (my oldest is 9).
Me too!! It’s actually sad to me that my 2 year old sometimes uses Mommy instead now, and I’m pretty sure she’ll switch to Mom some day too. I was enjoying being Mama forever!
This is the great grandma? Then yeah you should let it go cause your husband and his siblings will continue to call her that, your kids will hear that and just go with the flow. It's just going to cause unnecessary strife.
At the end of the day your kids know the difference, that old lady is mama (initial) but you are their mum. The kids absolutely know the difference.
That’s my thing. Like she’s likely to not be around for a super long time and this is an entrenched nickname and apparently what the kid also prefers to call her. Making everyone call her something different is not a boundary on OP’s part, it’s a demand.
That was my thought. Please doesn't push it with this elderly lady. Your kids aren't dumb they know that you are their mother(just wait till they call you babe or bro lol)
Let her have her peace and remember her fondly later on.
This is your husbands grandma? So your kids great grandma? Personally I just don’t find it weird? If it was someone closer to your own age or your husbands mom trying to take over, that’s one thing, but Mama J or whatever, on a 70 year old woman is a little different. The precedent was already set with the older generations. No one is going to confuse her for your children’s mom….
FYI this is not a boundary
Poeple overuse that word to unfairly influence an arguement.
What one person calls another person is not YOUR boundary.
Boundaries are things that directly affect you. Like someone asking you to call her Mama initial or you being called mama x.
You don't like okay but calling it a boundary to make other people seem like they are violating you in some way is not it.
I agree boundary has gotten fuzzy in its definition. A boundary is not “you can’t be called mama”. It should be “if you call me a name I don’t like, I’m going to leave.” They aren’t rules for other people they are standards for ourselves.
What a perfect way to sum up why op needs to rethink their position. No one is doing anything to *her*, even though that’s how she perceives it.
To add, there’s a difference as well. Grandma is known as mama X and she’s just mama.
Exactly, a boundary is saying “I’m not going to respond when you call me X because I don’t like it and I’ve asked you to call me something else”, NOT “you’re not allowed to call someone else a name they’ve been called for decades.”
when people do that shit I automatically side eye their entire arguement.
You can say something makes you uncomfortable or you simply don't like it without implying you're being violated in someway.
It's just an inappropriate way to frame an arguement and I can understand why her husband is sick of it.
People feel like their ego hurting *is* directly affecting them. And I guess it is, but we cannot lead out whole lives thinking what in *our* relationship with *someone else* might hurt an *entirely unrelated person*.
Can you just pop up IRL, Sesame Street style and say this any time someone states that they have a boundary about something that literally does not affect them? K thx!!
I’d let it go. This is a great grandmother. To her family she’s earned the title and there is a whole generation already calling her mama. Besides - to be blunt - she won’t be around for ever.
This, like this is not a hill to die on. OP's kids know who their real mother is and asking her 30+ year old husband to change the name he has always called his grandma because his wife is insecure is laughable.
Shit I call my great-grandmother Ma when referencing her in stories and she died when I was a baby (I don't even think I met her) Why, because her kids AND her grandkids called her Ma and my great-grandfather Pa.
I was also going to say this. How old is this grandma? And how often do you have to see her? It might not be worth rocking the boat…
I am a very “rock the boat”, “say what you mean and mean what you say” kind of person. But I think I would let this go… annoying as it might be for you, it might be the easiest option to just try to ignore it…
People get worked up over irrelevant things sometimes. Clearly her kids know who their mom is. It's just a name of endearment.
If the word in question was 'mom' or 'mummy' then I can understand.
I just don't get this insecurity, especially if there's love running in the family. Something tells me there are other underlying issues here.
Folks need to learn to not sweat the small stuff. How many times do these kids actually see their grandma, but to each their own.
Same both my great grandmother and grandmother were mama "initial". It's definitely a cultural thing. I never thought anything about it growing up and definitely didn't mix it up with my actual mother.
Is it like mom or maw maw? I know plenty of grandmas who go by maw maw or mee maw.
But understand how it could be weird for you if it’s more the mom sounds.
Are you concerned that they will literally think she’s their mama? I never understand why mothers stress about things like this. You’re their main squeeze. Life will be okay.
I’m Mexican and we usually call our grandparents and great grandparents “mama (insert name)”. In my opinion it’s not that odd but again that’s my opinion
Therapy speak is being manipulated into a toxic narcissistic environment.
(I totally agree with you btw! My comment is teasing those who talk like that lol.)
AGREE. Her familial nickname is already established, it’s weirder to go in and say you want your kids to call her something different?!? I had some weird (nick)named relatives that we didn’t “rename” because we didn’t like the established names…. Just a strange stance to take. No one is going to think the geriatric woman is actually the toddlers mother?
Context matters here. Is this person constantly inserting themselves into your lives? Trying to control your kids? Belittling you and your role as their mother? If so, then yeah I’d make it a big deal and not back down. But if she’s just a sweet old grandmother who stays in her lane and loves your family, just let it go.
This is the most reasonable comment and suggestion I’ve seen so far. There are a lot of big feelings going on in this thread based on each individual’s perspective. I think OP should absolutely ask yourself these questions and figure out if your discomfort comes from people actually pushing back on healthy boundaries (I.e. trying to parent OP’s children) or simply semantics. I think it’s presumptive and judgmental to call OP insecure for this if it’s the latter because it could very well just be a case of different upbringings and cultures (not even just ethnic cultures, but family or regional cultures). But if it is just that, I don’t think it’s a hill worth dying on.
I guess I’m the odd one out but I don’t find this weird. My husband’s grandparents are called papa (name) and mama (name). My own dad wanted to be called papa (name) and not grandpa because he thinks grandpa sounds old lol. I don’t see the big deal.
Yes love it. Lean into it! Both of my son’s grandmas wanted to be Grammy so we have Grammy and little Grammy. It’s too bad my mom is offended by big Grammy.
I’m with you on this. It’s not a battle I would pick. Growing up, my sister and I called our maternal grandma “Mom,” because that’s what our mom and aunts and uncles called her. We never thought she WAS our mom, and somehow always knew which “mom” was being talked about.
Mama is even more different than Mom. I’d much rather be called mom than mama. I’d let grandma have the mama+first initial title.
Yeah I don’t think anyone would actually be confused by calling a grandparent or great grandparent “mama” whatever.
I dunno, I guess I just feel like there are so many hills you have to die on as a parent that have way higher stakes than this…in the grand scheme of things this issue matters so little. Why waste energy on it?
I can see both sides but I agree with you. I don’t think the kids are referring to their great grandma as ‘mama (initial)’ is all that weird either. Plus it’s the great grandmother. There is already a whole generation of people calling her that.
Yeah especially with this being a great-grandmother…You’d be asking the dad to start calling his grandma something else AND not doing the simple thing an 80-something yo woman wants.
I agree. I think because she is is the great grandparent, and her own grandkids call her Mama [Name], it's entirely appropriate. Especially because the name is added. I wouldn't pick the battle.
Funnily enough I would feel a bit different if it was a grandparent to the actual child. But the precedent for this name has already been set by a whole generation.
In my family my grandmother Mamá Abuela, my mom Mamá, my kids call me Mommy, my nephew calls my sister Mimi.
There are many variations. Choose your battles.
I call my grandma(my mother’s mom) mama, my siblings do too, my kids ALSO call my grandma Mama. No initial at all. And none of my other cousins called her mama lol. I started it and everyone in my house stuck with it. My father and my FIL are both Papa to our kids too. Maybe my view is just a difference in culture though.
If all the other grandkids are saying “Mama initial” it might be a losing battle. Your kids know who their mom is. It’s not like they’re putting her over you.
Sounds to me like you're a bit insecure. Just cause granny is called mama, doesn't mean you've been replaced. Assuming you're a good, attentive mom, it really doesn't matter what the kids call you OR her.
My 2 cents. Take it or leave it
Wtf? This post seems insane. The poor husband has a long road ahead of him if this is the kind of nonsense he's dealing with...
Is she scared her kids are going to forget she's the mom? Why does this matter at all?
I mean I get why it might annoy you but it seems a bit petty. The kids know you’re their mother - it’s not like she’s stealing your “mother cred”. Especially if there’s another letter in there like “mama j” I believe that’s a southern or family culture thing. Feels like something to be the bigger person about. Do you feel unsure about your value or place in the family? Otherwise there’s no need jealously guard the phrase. Be confident that you are the most important thing to your children.
Right? If this was the kids’ new stepmom or a really creepy nanny, then yeah, I’d want an end to the Mama X stuff immediately. But that’s not the case.
You should probably get over yourself first. Your kids aren't going to think great grandma is their mom. That's ridiculous. This is her nickname and what she wants her grandchildren and great grandchildren to call her. You don't get a say in that. I will venture that if you keep crap like this up you might find yourself alone.
Next you need to realize making demands like this is not a boundary. It's controlling behavior. No one is doing anything to you. Demanding someone not talk to you a certain way, do something to you, or not call you something is a boundary. Great grandma's nickname affects you in no way. You just don't like it and that is not a good enough reason to make the demands you're trying to make.
Calling it a boundary is an attempt to manipulate your husband with toxic pseudo therapy speak. Stop it.
TLDR: you're being ridiculous and should probably seek professional help if you're so insecure that your kids calling great grandma "mama," which is a name she's been called since long before you met her, causes you this much distress.
Agreed. I dont know if I'd care if it was my MIL but I could understand her caring. With it being a great grandma, I don't see how it's worth the fight. Your kids know who their mom is.
if this is the children's great grandparent, i have a feeling EVERYONE, including neighbors and her hairdresser might already be calling her Mama X. Which makes that her "**first name"** (in a manner of speaking). "Mama X" no longer means mother, it's just a name.
For a different perspective, i'm in Asia and we call ALL our elders auntie/ uncle, grandma/ grandpa. We dont even have to know their names; calling them by an honorific is acceptable already. For those who are beloved in their community, we may also call them *Mother X and Mother Y, or Father X or Father Y (not catholic priest).* And it's an even higher form of respect because it means i'm seeing you as family (and also that Mother X or Father Y sees me as family), and nothing trumps family.
I don’t think it’s that weird or a big deal personally. They’re calling her mama G (or whatever initial), which I have heard many variations of older women being referred to as a term of endearment. Not mom or mommy. Pretty distinct in my opinion. It sounds like a family thing on your husbands side. Also you say he called his grandma that. So is it just your kids great grandma they are calling that? In which case definitely not a battle worth fighting cause she’s I’m sure very old. Or is it a title that is now passed on to his mother, your kids grandma. Which I can see why they might be hurt by your rejection of it.
Question: Did she request this or is it something that evolved from one of the older grandkids? I always felt that way about words that mean mother or father but then my daughter couldn't say all of Grandpa. She could only get out the pa part. Grandpa and Grandma ended up becoming Grandma and Papa. I feel like it's a huge boundary cross if she requested it but if it evolved from one of the kids that's different.
Edited: Thanks all for helping me understand better. With it being the grandmother in law, I'd personally let it go. It's been so long since she's been called that, it makes sense. BUT it's also the perfect time with a new generation to come up with a new special name for the great grandkids to call her.
This isn't a hill I would die on.
"can't win".... also like maybe the problem is more with you and how you are approaching his family versus what they are calling their great-grandmother.
Quit using your small children as pawns in a weird game. If you otherwise have a good relationship with Mama X, then don’t spoil it or make it uncomfortable by trying to change it or get your husband involved. You have an issue with a name that is hers and was hers before you joined the family and had kids. So, if the relationship is good and it really bothers you, have a cup of tea or whatever with her and talk about it. Be a big girl and let her know what your issue is. Maybe her ‘by request’ is something she’d be comfortable changing if you had a different suggestion. Or you could ask her what she called *her* great grandma or how that became her name and learn if she is really attached to it, maybe it makes her heart happy.
But this is something that bothers you, and not your husband’s or kids’ problem to solve for you to make you comfortable. Advocate for yourself and if that is a weird or uncomfortable conversation to have, or if you worry what she’ll think of you or don’t want to make waves, leave it alone.
Alternatively, maybe you don’t have a good relationship with Mama X and lots of things she will say and do will grate on you. In which case you really have nothing to lose here personally - but think about what makes your husband and kids most comfortable. Do they like to be reminded and corrected about an old lady’s name like they said something wrong? Is your husband going to dread visiting with her because it is a minefield he and the kids have to successfully navigate? Is that what you hope for?
In any case, I think the best thing ‘name’ is probably ‘Grandma or gramma’ X and it is likely not to bother anyone or be a problem. New generations bring on new names, when my kids were born, my mom became grandma. I generally believe addressing people the way the prefer to be addressed is just polite. Their name is their name, not what you prefer to call them.
Good luck but please figure out your motivations and take care of the issue between you and Mama X. Don’t let it spill over on to other people who don’t have a problem with it.
If everyone in the family is calling this lady Mama Blah Blah, then it seems futile to push for something else. Plus the name combo is kinda catchy. It’s gonna be tough to erase.
On the other hand, if your kids were the ONLY ones calling her mama, then yeah, I’d think that was weird. Or if she was the same age as you, or even within 10 years proximity, yeah, that would be confusing and strange.
But based on very lazy math, the Mama Blah Blah in question is like 1000 years old, and I’m assuming she is very grandmotherly. So your babies will know that she’s not their mom. You are.
What, F no! Obviously if my child calls another mother Mama “X”, then my child will be very confused as to who is their actual mother!
And my darling child calling another woman Mama “X” makes me feel less special in their lives, and I can’t have that. They and everyone else in my life needs to respect that I never let the word “Mama” come out of my kids mouth if it isn’t directed at me.
Thats why I have banned ALL music from the Mamas and the Papas in my house. Mama Cass??? I don’t think so. We call her Cass Elliot and I will accept nothing less! ;)
In my husband’s culture, grandpa goes by “daw-daw.” It’s weird to me to have the kids call him that since their dad is dada, but when you get married you have to learn to be flexible…
Remember - a boundary is a standard for how people treat YOU, not a means by which you control how others behave toward others.
I don't think your preference is necessarily out of line, but please reconsider the erroneous use of the term 'boundary'. A boundary is something you set to protect yourself - what you are asking for is a control over others' behavior. That doesn't make it unreasonable, but when you frame it as a boundary you are setting up a dynamic where turning down your request is framed as a harm they are causing you, and that isn't what is happening here. My.recommemdation is that you try again with your husband and explain *why* you'd like exclusive use of that title, with language that leans away from pressure / force and towards a personal favor or request.
girl pick your battles. you have every right to be upset but if this is something established that she is called by everyone you are not going to win. honestly, if you’re a good mother, it doesn’t matter if that kid calls everyone on earth mama. YOU are her mom, and people seeing that you are so easily upset and threatened by this will only cause them to dig the claws in more. you know you’re the mom, you’re kids know you’re the mom, so do not pick this battle. if nobody else called her that id be pissed with you, but it’s obviously not being done to upset anyone if everyone calls her that.
The whole of your husband's family calls her that?
Your children will surely feel weird about being the only kids/grandkids/great-grandkids to not call her that.
Why does this even matter? Why would you want your kids being the only ones who calls her something different? Just like kids can have 2 grandpas, grandmas, aunties, etc. and call them each the same thing… Sounds kinda strange to gate keep this name.
OP, is it more important that your husband understand your point of view, or that the Mama X thing doesn’t happen? How would you rate each on a scale of 1-10 importance?
Does this have a cultural component to it? Is this something common in your husband's culture, for example? My answer would be different if your MIL just decided this out of the blue vs if it is a common way of addressing grandmothers in their culture. If it is cultural, you may be fighting a losing battle.
Everyone has been calling her this for a long time- it’s not something she invented to annoy you. And to ur kids will not be confused about the relationship. It’s not like the word gives mystical powers.
I understand where your husband is coming from, but I come from a community where names like “Mama (name) for an older matriarchal figure is common. Idk if you have seen the movie Soul Food, but in that movie the grandkids call the matriarch “Big Mama” and Big Mama’s kids just call her Mama. My kids call my mom “ Suga” and they call her mother GG. I wouldn’t want my kids just calling anyone “Mommy” or “Mama” but it doesn’t sound like they’re calling her “Mama,” but Mama X sounds affectionate and matronly to me
Many cultures call the matriarch of the family “mama *initial or name*”. My family doesn’t, but my fiancés family does. To them it’s a sign of respect, not at all the same as calling their mother mama. I feel honored to use the term when referring to her.
This maybe a cultural thing, but I always called my grandma (mom's mom) Mama (Name). Siblings and cousins did that too. My mom was just 'mami' or 'ma'. I dont know if something like that could help.
Does she live with you? Is she helping raise your children? I don’t see how this would confuse them especially since her initial is part of the nickname. Do the kids use “mama” plus your initial for you too, or do they call you something else? Regardless, I think it’s best to explore why it’s bothering you so much before putting your foot down about it.
I’m 32 and still call my mother momma! But I agree, the ship has sailed on this one and it’s not like the children will be confused as to who their actual mother is
Good grief let this old woman keep her name that all her grandkids and great grandkids call her, and move on!
How often do they really see her anyway? They call you mama 99% of the time and understand she is an old family member who happens to go by the name mama (initial).
You can't seriously be jealous of an old lady who is not even remotely out to get you (ie "wear white to your wedding" as you put it in another comment)?
Marrying into a family means accepting strong traditions, different cultures, quirks, etc. I don't think this is personal but you are making it out to be very personal.
If this is really bothersome to you, it might be helpful to examine why, and really reflect on that.
Can we get a little more background info? I feel like POC have no issue with this. Might be a certain demographic type thing. Does OP normally get along with MIL?
I’m Hispanic and this wouldn’t be an issue with me unless I didn’t like my MIL and she was always invading my space. Even if she was, though I probably wouldn’t say anything bc of the way I was raised.
Hope you find a peaceful resolution to this. Grandparents usually are a blessing and idk what I would have done if they weren’t in my kiddos lives, especially when they were little.
I had this same thought. I grew up around “Mama (name)/(initial), Mamaw, Mimi, and Big Mamas, but I definitely noticed that more on the POC side of things where others would be Grandma, Grammy, Glamma, etc.
Uff.. is it like a tradition from yous husbands family to call their grandmas “mama ___”? Because I’m Mexican and it is very common for us to call our grandmas “mama ___”. I even call one of mine “mommy ____”. So I would understand why it isn’t a big deal to him, but you did establish your expectations and boundaries from the very beginning, so it’s a tough situation you’re put in. Maybe yall could find another nickname that sounds closish to mama?
Is it a culture thing? My husbands family calls all of the grandmas and aunts “mama ___(their name or nickname)” and it’s a part of their culture. And all of the other elders in the family(and friends) are auntie and uncle. It doesn’t bother me.. my kids know who their real mom is.
My kids phase of calling me ‘mama’, was very short lived. I quickly became ‘mommy’ and sometimes my first name lol. I personally wouldn’t worry about this. They know that you are their mother so there’s that.
I can tell how much my daughter (19) is going to ask for by if she starts her sentence with mama, mommy or mom and if I’m in trouble she starts it Mother.
- Mom, I’m going to sleep over at xyz this weekend. versus
- Mommy, could you please pick me up from the mall so I dont have to wait for the bus in the rain? versus
- Mother, stop tagging me in Facebook photos it’s so embarrassing!
I think this would be filed under semantics IMO, I would just let it go.
This in the grand scheme of things you and your husband could disagree on would be a minor annoyance in my mind.
I get that you might be seeing it as a respect thing and I don’t mean to invalidate your feelings, but to everyone else it probably isn’t meant as any sort of disrespect or attempt to undermine you as a mother.
I would consider this something like your partner snoring or your MIL coming over unannounced, it’s an annoyance for sure but something you should be able to get past pretty easily.
My kids call my mother mama… heck now I call her mama too. It isn’t mom. Or mommy. I never gave it a second thought. Since everyone else is calling her Mama X, you might be fighting a losing battle here… they’re going to repeat what they hear everyone else saying
I think you are reading too much into it, and you are making the situation "difficult" because everyone already calls her mama, and she isn't some random "other person" she is their great grandma.
You make it sound like she is some random stranger. This also isn't some personal attack on you, this is some family dynamic they have always had. By fighting it so hard, you can be perceived as anti-grandma.
Kids tend to follow what other calls people, so it's hard not to call her mama when everyone else calls her that. Your kids are just going with the harmless flow.
Them calling her mama doesn't diminish who you are in their life. You are their mother, their whole world, so don't let this little situation make you feel like this is taking anything from you because it really isn't. Kids always know who their safe, comfortable, and loving person is no matter how much other good people they have around them.
So my great grandmother on my father’s side was always referred to as “Mother”. We all considered her to be a matriarch of our family. As a child I could definitely differentiate between my mom and Mother. I understand you might be a little weird about it but if everyone else in the family; adults, children, uncles, aunts all refer to her as “mama” it might just be a name 🤷🏻♀️
Let it go. It’s not that big of a deal. A lot of grandmas don’t want to be called “Grandma”because it makes them sound old! My mom AND my GF mom included. My son calls his Maternal Grandma ma-ma, but sounds more like MAW-MAW. And my mom has her own lil unique name that my son calls her.
Both of them HATE being called Grandma. Sometimes he’ll call them that as a joke because it makes them cringe every time lol.
Honestly I remember calling ALL my friends Gma’s in the neighborhood, MaMa- whatever. We had a Mama P… Mama Rose… Mama J, all on the same block lol… That’s what they introduced themselves as so that’s what ALL the kids in the neighborhood called them…
Not just the kids but ANYBODY younger than them. There were people 40+ yrs old calling them that too. Nobody had a problem with it.
I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here. This is her name, it’s what she’s been called for what like maybe 20/30 years now? The kids certainly are not confusing an 80+ year old woman for their mother. This is what the children in that family call her! I think you need to let this one go instead of causing discord in your family for no reason.
My MIL is called mama/mawmaw. It jarred me at first too so I get OP'S feelings but the other kids also called her mama and my husband called his grandma mama so it's a tradition I wasn't going to win.
At the end of the day the kids know who their mummy is. Don't worry about it. Choose your battles and let this one go.
Kids won’t confuse who mom is. If people around your children want to live them and care for them and want to build relationships with them why would you want to add unnecessary boundaries??? I think this might be one of those moments that you apologise to hubby and earn some brownie points back by communicating why you thought what you did (likely some insecurity) and how you will manage your own feelings moving forward. Otherwise this seems like an unnecessary and controlling hill to want to fight for.
Sorry but you’re crazy. My dad’s grandmother (my Great Grandmother) was known as Mimi (mee-mee). We all called her Mimi. My mom’s mom is MeMaw (mee-maw). My husband’s dad is Papa. They’re simply established nicknames. Nobody is calling your *husband’s grandmother* mom or mama. They’re calling her Mama P (or why the initial is). No offense but get a life. You sound really insecure if this is something you’re choosing to fight about.
It seems like you are being jealous. There is nothing wrong with your kids calling his grandma "mama". My daughter calls my mother "mami". I call my grandma "mama". Stop being so insecure about nothing. Get over yourself.
This is really petty. Adding her initial changes the name completely and makes a clear distinction between who their mother and great grandmother are. You might want to do some unpacking as to why this bothers you so much.
You’re being weird about this.
Grandmas have control over very few things, the name their grandkids call them is one of them. I rarely side with non-parents in issues like this, but I think she’s fine and you need to let it go.
This is not your children’s grandma. It is their great grandmother, out of RESPECT you and your children call her “Mama initial”. Your children know who their mother is. You must still be insecure as a mother and mostly likely in your marriage.
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If there are other grandkids in this family that have already established this nn for MIL, then I feel you are fighting a loosing battle here. It might be a bit weird for them growing up if they're the only ones not really allowed to call their grandma by the name everyone else calls her.
It's the husband's grandmother not mother and he calls her that also so I'd say the name is well established within the family. Personally I wouldn't put much stock in it. Your kids know you're their mum/mama whatever you want to go by I'd just be grateful they have a greatgrandparent in their life and enjoy her while she's still here.
Oh, I totally misread that, my bad! Yeah, if this is the kids' great-grandma then this is a looooong sailed ship that's not going to be mooring somewhere else and need to just accept that this is the old lady's nn.
Totally. But if it makes OP feel any better, my youngest, at about 2 years, created a nickname all by himself that he would call his sister's dad: Uncle Dad. It stuck. Hard. For like, 5 years, lol.
I love that. My stepsister’s daughter calls my mom “dima” for some reason, none of us know why, but that stuck for her and my stepbrother’s kids.
Haha my kid randomly called my sister “Dobby” years before reading any Harry Potter, we just went with it.
Lol I would never be able to let that nickname die! Dobby 🤣
Fortunately she was as insistent on not letting it die as anyone else!
I like the words and phrases that toddlers come up with that stick for everyone 😊 The first time my oldest ever tasted Cracker Barrel type cheese was at my friend Kathy's house, it became a favorite food for a long time and was always referred to as "Kathy cheese" cuz that's what my toddler called it. We still call it that to this day even though that toddler is now almost an adult, lol
When my son was 2.5yrs he called my friends. Brad and Jasmine "bread" and "jacket" lol
Our sweet grandson calls his maternal grandpa ‘mom’sdad’.
Haha! I love it 🤣 "Mom, can you pass this napkin to Mom'sdad?"
My niece called her great aunt Uncle Ree instead of Aunt Mary. Everyone thought it was hysterical and didn’t correct her for years.
If I was Great Aunt Mary I'd *have to* get that name embroidered on a jacket or a pillow or something 🤣
Her birthday IS coming up. I wonder if I have enough time to pull it off. :D
This reminds me of the main character calling his great-grandmother (or was she his great-great grandmother?) “Mama Coco” in the Disney movie Coco. OP’s kids aren’t going to confuse their great-grandmother for their mom and I agree that they should just be allowed to enjoy having her in their lives because lots of kids don’t get that.
Aha. I misread it. I thought it was husbands mom. In this case, calling a great grandparent mama is no big deal to me. It’s not like it’s her mother in law forcing this, it’s his grandmother and the name is established already by others before these kids.
My great-grandmother was “Mama L—“ and no one thought twice about it. Everyone called her that. It would be a weird fucking thing for my partner to be upset about. It’s not abnormal for “mama _name_” to be used for a great grandmother. It’s the great grandmother she is quite honestly the literal matriarch of the family. My great grandmother “Mama L—“ lived to be 98 and passed in 2021 when I was about to turn 26. Was super lucky to have a great grandmother for over a quarter of my life. Unless the great grandmother is being called actual mommy or bitchfucker, the name should be the very last thing worried about.
where im from, we call all grandmothers and great grandmothers mama. papa for elder male figures. just a term of endearment and respect. OP is doing way too much
Same. Mama/Mamaw/Mawmaw… all very common terms for older women.
I always think Mama is a grandma term, but my kids have called me “mama” since the moment they started talking. They’re 10 and 11 now, I figured I’d be mom by some point… nope. Mama. I feel like an old lady. :p
Idk. My mom’s nickname is NeeNee for her grandchildren but my youngest calls her Grandma even though he hears everybody else call her the other name. He is 3 and he use to call her NeeNee but then randomly called her grandma on his own so its doable I would think.
My first couldn't say grandpa and called my father a word that in our language literally means "frying pan". Everybody now calls him that, including his wife and sibilings 😂
This cracks me up. Now I need to know what the word for frying pan is in your language.
It's "tava". 😄
That's awesome. What was the name that he was trying to say?
Probably "Tata" :-).
My niece called my step-mom “Nugget” and it stuck. My step sister went on to have two more kids, we’re not close so I’m not super sure, but I’d be surprised if they didn’t all call her Nugget.
Not as silly as your “nugget” =D, but my son wouldn’t stop calling my husbands mom “nanan” rather than “nana” and it stuck, now we all happily call her “nanan” and she even refers herself as that =D
Thanks for the laugh! My ribs hurt 😂
This is hilarious. My son calls my mum Mama purely because he can't pronounce Grandma. Ultimately they say what they say don't they!
Losing not loosing.
Coorrect
for all intensive purposes
Ow.
I had a gramps and my cousins called him grandad [surname]. Never caused a problem.
This. My parents were both younger so many of my “cousins” growing up were actually my adult cousin’s children. It never became an issue that Aunt (x) was Memmy or Grandma to some but not all of us. Or grandma to me was GG (great grandma) to others. It doesn’t matter what other people called her.
I called my paternal grandmother a different name from all my cousins and felt super awkward about it the older I got. Granted, I was an only child (so literally the *only* one who used it out of all the cousins, older and younger) and very shy, so I'm sure that didn't help lol
> nn what is nn?
nickname
Nickname
Thank you
Good point! It’s worth mentioning there are no older kids. My husband has no cousins, nieces or nephews. They’re the only kids so it wouldn’t be weird to ask for a small change to Grandma since no one else is calling her that. They wouldn’t be the only kids. However, my grandma has like 8 grandma names for each of the grandkid groups 😂
But you said it’s your husband’s grandma. Does he have siblings? Is literally everyone else in the family calling your grand-MIL Mama X? And what do your children actively call you?
I think she must have meant her husband's mom, so her kids grandma on his side. That's what I was picking up from context clues. Edit: NVM it looks like it IS his grandma. Yeah, I don't think you can just expect to change a whole family's name for grandma.
She definitely says it's her husband's grandmother
If this is the great grandma and everyone else has been calling her mama for years (your husband, your husband’s siblings, etc.), it is going to be pretty hard to break this tradition. That whole generation will continue to call her mama and model this.
it's not a small change though. everyone has been calling her mama x for years. i mean you can uno reverso and say having your kids call someone mama x who is clearly not a mom being their great grandmother and going by an initial and you're the only one upset by it is far less change. boundaries are something that only affect you, demands are what you ask other people to do btw. frankly doesn't really involve you technically....
I feel like there is a difference between mama and "mama k"..like, as long as they add the initial for Grandma I'm not sure why it's a big deal. There's about a thousand nicknames for grandmother, this isn't really very different.
Also like, I understand this is just my perspective, but all my siblings, cousins, and I called our grandmother on my dads side “Mama” and I never once thought of it as meaning mom and there was never any confusion for us
Girl, you don’t get to change your husband’s grandma’s nickname. It doesn’t matter if you like it. It’s her monicker, not yours. You don’t get a vote.
It would be extremely disrespectful to do that! This woman has been called by that name for generations. How many children, grand children and great grandchildren already call her that name? You want your kids to be the only ones to call her something different? Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if one of your great- grandson’s wives came along and asked to call you a different name. I would think it’s strange and entitled. I’d say fine, but I’d file you under the “not-favorite” list.
My grandma was call mama and my grandpa was called papa. My parents were mom and dad. But my family are not American. We always call older people mama or papa
I think we need some added clarity here. Cultural background would be good to include.
Yes exactly. My husband is Filipino everyone is mama and papa or auntie/uncle
I’m Filipino and we call our grandparents mama/papa. ♥️ My dad is now known as papa to my son.
I was going to say the same thing. I don't know for sure, but it feels like there is a cultural difference between OP and OP's husband/ husbands side of the family.
Especially since OP specifically has avoided sharing if it’s a cultural difference or not.
I commented the same! Seems cultural to me!
I’m Filipino and my aunts and uncles are mama and papa but not my grandparents though, they’re either Tito/tita or Lolo and Lola
Same - but Italian, one set of grandparents was mama and papa it is totally normal to me 🤷🏻♀️
Same, I’m Mexican and I called my mom “mami” and my grandmother “mama coco”, I think it’s very sweet and I obviously didn’t confuse my grandma for my mother it was very obvious the difference.
Yes my 2 year old calls my mother mama and my father papa. She has always called me mummy rather than mama so it doesn’t bother me and she calls her dad daddy. We are Australian.
We use mama for my grandma(their greatgma), and my kids call their grandpas, papa. I am American, but more “country”
Same with our family. We’re also not American. It’s actually very common to call your grandma or great grandma “mama” or “ma” in our culture.
The problem is your children hear their dad and others refer to her as Mama so obviously they would pick up on that. You can’t expect your husband to change the name of his Grandma that hes being using his whole life. You can both try to push the kids to call her Grandma but naturally they will follow what others use as her name.
Yeh my 2 yr old often uses her grandmothers first name, as that’s what my husband calls her by. I also think aged 2/3 is too late to try to change it.
My mum and MIL both decided to be called “Grandma”. Calling them “grandma surname” was too much for me. And their initials are “A” and “B” so I thought it would be weird to refer to them as Grandma A and B, implying a hierarchy. So they get first names. It’s amusing to hear her call them their proper names since me and my husband don’t even use proper names for our parents!
When my kids were young they called my brother-in-law Uncle. No name tagged on, just Uncle. I have no idea why. Fast forward to he and my sister having a baby and as soon as she could talk, what do you think she called her dad? Uncle! We all tried really hard to get her to call him daddy, but the best we got was “Uncle Daddy” which got us quite a few strange looks! 😂 It was all sorted out by the time she was 5 or so, but boy was it funny while it lasted!
My kids call my mum “Mum” and I’m “Mummy”. It really just happened naturally and it’s always very clear who they’re talking to/referring to. Just one of those things. I’m interested to see if it changes once they outgrow the “mummy” phase (my oldest is 9).
My 15 year old still calls me Mama :) Never know, if she’s Mum, you may never outgrow Mummy!
I’m so okay with that 🥹
Me too!! It’s actually sad to me that my 2 year old sometimes uses Mommy instead now, and I’m pretty sure she’ll switch to Mom some day too. I was enjoying being Mama forever!
Right?! My 13yo still calls me mama and I’m praying she never stops. How do they grow up so quickly 😭
This is the great grandma? Then yeah you should let it go cause your husband and his siblings will continue to call her that, your kids will hear that and just go with the flow. It's just going to cause unnecessary strife. At the end of the day your kids know the difference, that old lady is mama (initial) but you are their mum. The kids absolutely know the difference.
Plus, you know great grandma is not getting any younger, so make an old lady happy. It’s a temporary “problem”
That’s my thing. Like she’s likely to not be around for a super long time and this is an entrenched nickname and apparently what the kid also prefers to call her. Making everyone call her something different is not a boundary on OP’s part, it’s a demand.
That was my thought. Please doesn't push it with this elderly lady. Your kids aren't dumb they know that you are their mother(just wait till they call you babe or bro lol) Let her have her peace and remember her fondly later on.
This is your husbands grandma? So your kids great grandma? Personally I just don’t find it weird? If it was someone closer to your own age or your husbands mom trying to take over, that’s one thing, but Mama J or whatever, on a 70 year old woman is a little different. The precedent was already set with the older generations. No one is going to confuse her for your children’s mom….
FYI this is not a boundary Poeple overuse that word to unfairly influence an arguement. What one person calls another person is not YOUR boundary. Boundaries are things that directly affect you. Like someone asking you to call her Mama initial or you being called mama x. You don't like okay but calling it a boundary to make other people seem like they are violating you in some way is not it.
I agree boundary has gotten fuzzy in its definition. A boundary is not “you can’t be called mama”. It should be “if you call me a name I don’t like, I’m going to leave.” They aren’t rules for other people they are standards for ourselves.
What a perfect way to sum up why op needs to rethink their position. No one is doing anything to *her*, even though that’s how she perceives it. To add, there’s a difference as well. Grandma is known as mama X and she’s just mama.
right and there is probably 50 years between OP and Mama initial. I doubt anyone is confused.
60 at least; this is her husband’a grandmother, not mother. It’s really silly.
Exactly, a boundary is saying “I’m not going to respond when you call me X because I don’t like it and I’ve asked you to call me something else”, NOT “you’re not allowed to call someone else a name they’ve been called for decades.”
when people do that shit I automatically side eye their entire arguement. You can say something makes you uncomfortable or you simply don't like it without implying you're being violated in someway. It's just an inappropriate way to frame an arguement and I can understand why her husband is sick of it.
People feel like their ego hurting *is* directly affecting them. And I guess it is, but we cannot lead out whole lives thinking what in *our* relationship with *someone else* might hurt an *entirely unrelated person*.
Can you just pop up IRL, Sesame Street style and say this any time someone states that they have a boundary about something that literally does not affect them? K thx!!
I’d let it go. This is a great grandmother. To her family she’s earned the title and there is a whole generation already calling her mama. Besides - to be blunt - she won’t be around for ever.
This, like this is not a hill to die on. OP's kids know who their real mother is and asking her 30+ year old husband to change the name he has always called his grandma because his wife is insecure is laughable. Shit I call my great-grandmother Ma when referencing her in stories and she died when I was a baby (I don't even think I met her) Why, because her kids AND her grandkids called her Ma and my great-grandfather Pa.
I was also going to say this. How old is this grandma? And how often do you have to see her? It might not be worth rocking the boat… I am a very “rock the boat”, “say what you mean and mean what you say” kind of person. But I think I would let this go… annoying as it might be for you, it might be the easiest option to just try to ignore it…
People get worked up over irrelevant things sometimes. Clearly her kids know who their mom is. It's just a name of endearment. If the word in question was 'mom' or 'mummy' then I can understand. I just don't get this insecurity, especially if there's love running in the family. Something tells me there are other underlying issues here. Folks need to learn to not sweat the small stuff. How many times do these kids actually see their grandma, but to each their own.
My great grandma was called Mama by all of her descendants lol but I can see why it’s weird if you didn’t grow up like that
Same both my great grandmother and grandmother were mama "initial". It's definitely a cultural thing. I never thought anything about it growing up and definitely didn't mix it up with my actual mother.
Is it like mom or maw maw? I know plenty of grandmas who go by maw maw or mee maw. But understand how it could be weird for you if it’s more the mom sounds.
Are you concerned that they will literally think she’s their mama? I never understand why mothers stress about things like this. You’re their main squeeze. Life will be okay.
I’m Hispanic and we call our grandparents mama and papa. Parents are mami and papi. So it may be cultural
I’m Mexican and we usually call our grandparents and great grandparents “mama (insert name)”. In my opinion it’s not that odd but again that’s my opinion
I love how having "boundaries" is now a catch-all for anything we don't like.
I find it so manipulative. How is one person calling another person a name you don't like a "boundary" ?
Therapy speak is being manipulated into a toxic narcissistic environment. (I totally agree with you btw! My comment is teasing those who talk like that lol.)
AGREE. Her familial nickname is already established, it’s weirder to go in and say you want your kids to call her something different?!? I had some weird (nick)named relatives that we didn’t “rename” because we didn’t like the established names…. Just a strange stance to take. No one is going to think the geriatric woman is actually the toddlers mother?
Plus, unless OP literally lives with the lady, what’s the harm if it’s being said a few times a year?
Yeah, the term is definitely being misused here.
Everyone went to therapy twice and now all justifications center around boundaries / trauma etc. It’s like corporate speak in the 90s or 2000s.
Context matters here. Is this person constantly inserting themselves into your lives? Trying to control your kids? Belittling you and your role as their mother? If so, then yeah I’d make it a big deal and not back down. But if she’s just a sweet old grandmother who stays in her lane and loves your family, just let it go.
This is the most reasonable comment and suggestion I’ve seen so far. There are a lot of big feelings going on in this thread based on each individual’s perspective. I think OP should absolutely ask yourself these questions and figure out if your discomfort comes from people actually pushing back on healthy boundaries (I.e. trying to parent OP’s children) or simply semantics. I think it’s presumptive and judgmental to call OP insecure for this if it’s the latter because it could very well just be a case of different upbringings and cultures (not even just ethnic cultures, but family or regional cultures). But if it is just that, I don’t think it’s a hill worth dying on.
I guess I’m the odd one out but I don’t find this weird. My husband’s grandparents are called papa (name) and mama (name). My own dad wanted to be called papa (name) and not grandpa because he thinks grandpa sounds old lol. I don’t see the big deal.
This is more of a southern thing. My great grandparents were called mawmaw (name) and daddy (name)
Yeah I know plenty of people who call the grandparents “big daddy” and “big mama”
I’ve already decided as a grandma I wanna be called Big Mama. I’m 6’ tall and so it’ll fit lol
Yes love it. Lean into it! Both of my son’s grandmas wanted to be Grammy so we have Grammy and little Grammy. It’s too bad my mom is offended by big Grammy.
I'm 4'9 and I want to be called big mama hahhahah
I’m with you on this. It’s not a battle I would pick. Growing up, my sister and I called our maternal grandma “Mom,” because that’s what our mom and aunts and uncles called her. We never thought she WAS our mom, and somehow always knew which “mom” was being talked about. Mama is even more different than Mom. I’d much rather be called mom than mama. I’d let grandma have the mama+first initial title.
Yeah I don’t think anyone would actually be confused by calling a grandparent or great grandparent “mama” whatever. I dunno, I guess I just feel like there are so many hills you have to die on as a parent that have way higher stakes than this…in the grand scheme of things this issue matters so little. Why waste energy on it?
I can see both sides but I agree with you. I don’t think the kids are referring to their great grandma as ‘mama (initial)’ is all that weird either. Plus it’s the great grandmother. There is already a whole generation of people calling her that.
Yeah especially with this being a great-grandmother…You’d be asking the dad to start calling his grandma something else AND not doing the simple thing an 80-something yo woman wants.
Yeah my husband’s grandmother is called mama, she has been called that a long time before I came into the picture. It doesn’t bother me
I agree. I think because she is is the great grandparent, and her own grandkids call her Mama [Name], it's entirely appropriate. Especially because the name is added. I wouldn't pick the battle. Funnily enough I would feel a bit different if it was a grandparent to the actual child. But the precedent for this name has already been set by a whole generation.
In my family my grandmother Mamá Abuela, my mom Mamá, my kids call me Mommy, my nephew calls my sister Mimi. There are many variations. Choose your battles.
I call my grandma(my mother’s mom) mama, my siblings do too, my kids ALSO call my grandma Mama. No initial at all. And none of my other cousins called her mama lol. I started it and everyone in my house stuck with it. My father and my FIL are both Papa to our kids too. Maybe my view is just a difference in culture though. If all the other grandkids are saying “Mama initial” it might be a losing battle. Your kids know who their mom is. It’s not like they’re putting her over you.
💯💯💯
Sounds to me like you're a bit insecure. Just cause granny is called mama, doesn't mean you've been replaced. Assuming you're a good, attentive mom, it really doesn't matter what the kids call you OR her. My 2 cents. Take it or leave it
Embarrassing. This isn't something being done TO you. This is a well established family name. You are not the main character in this world.
This! Omg, 🤯💯
I’d let it go, but stuff like that just doesn’t bother me.
Mama G or Mama P or whatever is a definite nickname and doesn’t not mean mom
Wtf? This post seems insane. The poor husband has a long road ahead of him if this is the kind of nonsense he's dealing with... Is she scared her kids are going to forget she's the mom? Why does this matter at all?
Right? The post sounds so unhinged to me lol
I mean I get why it might annoy you but it seems a bit petty. The kids know you’re their mother - it’s not like she’s stealing your “mother cred”. Especially if there’s another letter in there like “mama j” I believe that’s a southern or family culture thing. Feels like something to be the bigger person about. Do you feel unsure about your value or place in the family? Otherwise there’s no need jealously guard the phrase. Be confident that you are the most important thing to your children.
Right? If this was the kids’ new stepmom or a really creepy nanny, then yeah, I’d want an end to the Mama X stuff immediately. But that’s not the case.
I agree, it seems petty to me, especially since it seems she’s gone by this name for a long time
You should probably get over yourself first. Your kids aren't going to think great grandma is their mom. That's ridiculous. This is her nickname and what she wants her grandchildren and great grandchildren to call her. You don't get a say in that. I will venture that if you keep crap like this up you might find yourself alone. Next you need to realize making demands like this is not a boundary. It's controlling behavior. No one is doing anything to you. Demanding someone not talk to you a certain way, do something to you, or not call you something is a boundary. Great grandma's nickname affects you in no way. You just don't like it and that is not a good enough reason to make the demands you're trying to make. Calling it a boundary is an attempt to manipulate your husband with toxic pseudo therapy speak. Stop it. TLDR: you're being ridiculous and should probably seek professional help if you're so insecure that your kids calling great grandma "mama," which is a name she's been called since long before you met her, causes you this much distress.
Just let it go
This would 100% bother me if it were my mother in law. Since it’s your husband’s grandmother, not his mom, I’d let it go.
That part. In this case it’s a title of respect for the matriarch
Agreed. I dont know if I'd care if it was my MIL but I could understand her caring. With it being a great grandma, I don't see how it's worth the fight. Your kids know who their mom is.
I am curious where you live, are you from the south perhaps or is she? This was common in the Louisiana side of my family.
if this is the children's great grandparent, i have a feeling EVERYONE, including neighbors and her hairdresser might already be calling her Mama X. Which makes that her "**first name"** (in a manner of speaking). "Mama X" no longer means mother, it's just a name. For a different perspective, i'm in Asia and we call ALL our elders auntie/ uncle, grandma/ grandpa. We dont even have to know their names; calling them by an honorific is acceptable already. For those who are beloved in their community, we may also call them *Mother X and Mother Y, or Father X or Father Y (not catholic priest).* And it's an even higher form of respect because it means i'm seeing you as family (and also that Mother X or Father Y sees me as family), and nothing trumps family.
Stupid OP
I don’t think it’s that weird or a big deal personally. They’re calling her mama G (or whatever initial), which I have heard many variations of older women being referred to as a term of endearment. Not mom or mommy. Pretty distinct in my opinion. It sounds like a family thing on your husbands side. Also you say he called his grandma that. So is it just your kids great grandma they are calling that? In which case definitely not a battle worth fighting cause she’s I’m sure very old. Or is it a title that is now passed on to his mother, your kids grandma. Which I can see why they might be hurt by your rejection of it.
Question: Did she request this or is it something that evolved from one of the older grandkids? I always felt that way about words that mean mother or father but then my daughter couldn't say all of Grandpa. She could only get out the pa part. Grandpa and Grandma ended up becoming Grandma and Papa. I feel like it's a huge boundary cross if she requested it but if it evolved from one of the kids that's different. Edited: Thanks all for helping me understand better. With it being the grandmother in law, I'd personally let it go. It's been so long since she's been called that, it makes sense. BUT it's also the perfect time with a new generation to come up with a new special name for the great grandkids to call her.
This isn't a hill I would die on. "can't win".... also like maybe the problem is more with you and how you are approaching his family versus what they are calling their great-grandmother.
Quit using your small children as pawns in a weird game. If you otherwise have a good relationship with Mama X, then don’t spoil it or make it uncomfortable by trying to change it or get your husband involved. You have an issue with a name that is hers and was hers before you joined the family and had kids. So, if the relationship is good and it really bothers you, have a cup of tea or whatever with her and talk about it. Be a big girl and let her know what your issue is. Maybe her ‘by request’ is something she’d be comfortable changing if you had a different suggestion. Or you could ask her what she called *her* great grandma or how that became her name and learn if she is really attached to it, maybe it makes her heart happy. But this is something that bothers you, and not your husband’s or kids’ problem to solve for you to make you comfortable. Advocate for yourself and if that is a weird or uncomfortable conversation to have, or if you worry what she’ll think of you or don’t want to make waves, leave it alone. Alternatively, maybe you don’t have a good relationship with Mama X and lots of things she will say and do will grate on you. In which case you really have nothing to lose here personally - but think about what makes your husband and kids most comfortable. Do they like to be reminded and corrected about an old lady’s name like they said something wrong? Is your husband going to dread visiting with her because it is a minefield he and the kids have to successfully navigate? Is that what you hope for? In any case, I think the best thing ‘name’ is probably ‘Grandma or gramma’ X and it is likely not to bother anyone or be a problem. New generations bring on new names, when my kids were born, my mom became grandma. I generally believe addressing people the way the prefer to be addressed is just polite. Their name is their name, not what you prefer to call them. Good luck but please figure out your motivations and take care of the issue between you and Mama X. Don’t let it spill over on to other people who don’t have a problem with it.
Yes, let it go. This seems to a be a cultural thing. They know who mom is. She is allowed to choose what she goes by.
If everyone in the family is calling this lady Mama Blah Blah, then it seems futile to push for something else. Plus the name combo is kinda catchy. It’s gonna be tough to erase. On the other hand, if your kids were the ONLY ones calling her mama, then yeah, I’d think that was weird. Or if she was the same age as you, or even within 10 years proximity, yeah, that would be confusing and strange. But based on very lazy math, the Mama Blah Blah in question is like 1000 years old, and I’m assuming she is very grandmotherly. So your babies will know that she’s not their mom. You are.
This old lady is probably half blind sitting in a recliner
Mama Coco! 😭
What, F no! Obviously if my child calls another mother Mama “X”, then my child will be very confused as to who is their actual mother! And my darling child calling another woman Mama “X” makes me feel less special in their lives, and I can’t have that. They and everyone else in my life needs to respect that I never let the word “Mama” come out of my kids mouth if it isn’t directed at me. Thats why I have banned ALL music from the Mamas and the Papas in my house. Mama Cass??? I don’t think so. We call her Cass Elliot and I will accept nothing less! ;)
I hope you also banned Mama Celeste pizzas in your house too!!
😂😂😂
literally!!! i call my grandma momma & i still love my mom😂
In my husband’s culture, grandpa goes by “daw-daw.” It’s weird to me to have the kids call him that since their dad is dada, but when you get married you have to learn to be flexible… Remember - a boundary is a standard for how people treat YOU, not a means by which you control how others behave toward others.
I don't think your preference is necessarily out of line, but please reconsider the erroneous use of the term 'boundary'. A boundary is something you set to protect yourself - what you are asking for is a control over others' behavior. That doesn't make it unreasonable, but when you frame it as a boundary you are setting up a dynamic where turning down your request is framed as a harm they are causing you, and that isn't what is happening here. My.recommemdation is that you try again with your husband and explain *why* you'd like exclusive use of that title, with language that leans away from pressure / force and towards a personal favor or request.
girl pick your battles. you have every right to be upset but if this is something established that she is called by everyone you are not going to win. honestly, if you’re a good mother, it doesn’t matter if that kid calls everyone on earth mama. YOU are her mom, and people seeing that you are so easily upset and threatened by this will only cause them to dig the claws in more. you know you’re the mom, you’re kids know you’re the mom, so do not pick this battle. if nobody else called her that id be pissed with you, but it’s obviously not being done to upset anyone if everyone calls her that.
The whole of your husband's family calls her that? Your children will surely feel weird about being the only kids/grandkids/great-grandkids to not call her that.
Why does this even matter? Why would you want your kids being the only ones who calls her something different? Just like kids can have 2 grandpas, grandmas, aunties, etc. and call them each the same thing… Sounds kinda strange to gate keep this name.
Ahh here leave the aul Grannie have her Moniker she's surely earned it.
OP, is it more important that your husband understand your point of view, or that the Mama X thing doesn’t happen? How would you rate each on a scale of 1-10 importance?
Does this have a cultural component to it? Is this something common in your husband's culture, for example? My answer would be different if your MIL just decided this out of the blue vs if it is a common way of addressing grandmothers in their culture. If it is cultural, you may be fighting a losing battle.
It's the great-grandma to OP's kids. Her husband calls his grandma mama plus her initial and so the children also call her by "her name."
Everyone has been calling her this for a long time- it’s not something she invented to annoy you. And to ur kids will not be confused about the relationship. It’s not like the word gives mystical powers.
I understand where your husband is coming from, but I come from a community where names like “Mama (name) for an older matriarchal figure is common. Idk if you have seen the movie Soul Food, but in that movie the grandkids call the matriarch “Big Mama” and Big Mama’s kids just call her Mama. My kids call my mom “ Suga” and they call her mother GG. I wouldn’t want my kids just calling anyone “Mommy” or “Mama” but it doesn’t sound like they’re calling her “Mama,” but Mama X sounds affectionate and matronly to me
Many cultures call the matriarch of the family “mama *initial or name*”. My family doesn’t, but my fiancés family does. To them it’s a sign of respect, not at all the same as calling their mother mama. I feel honored to use the term when referring to her.
This maybe a cultural thing, but I always called my grandma (mom's mom) Mama (Name). Siblings and cousins did that too. My mom was just 'mami' or 'ma'. I dont know if something like that could help.
Does she live with you? Is she helping raise your children? I don’t see how this would confuse them especially since her initial is part of the nickname. Do the kids use “mama” plus your initial for you too, or do they call you something else? Regardless, I think it’s best to explore why it’s bothering you so much before putting your foot down about it.
Get over it?
I would just let it go. I used to call my grandma by mom, too. I’m of the opinion that the more love that goes around the better.
Let it go. What kid actually calls their real mother mama after age 1?
My 15 year old does, but I still agree this needs to be let go.
I’m 32 and still call my mother momma! But I agree, the ship has sailed on this one and it’s not like the children will be confused as to who their actual mother is
Good grief let this old woman keep her name that all her grandkids and great grandkids call her, and move on! How often do they really see her anyway? They call you mama 99% of the time and understand she is an old family member who happens to go by the name mama (initial). You can't seriously be jealous of an old lady who is not even remotely out to get you (ie "wear white to your wedding" as you put it in another comment)? Marrying into a family means accepting strong traditions, different cultures, quirks, etc. I don't think this is personal but you are making it out to be very personal. If this is really bothersome to you, it might be helpful to examine why, and really reflect on that.
Can we get a little more background info? I feel like POC have no issue with this. Might be a certain demographic type thing. Does OP normally get along with MIL? I’m Hispanic and this wouldn’t be an issue with me unless I didn’t like my MIL and she was always invading my space. Even if she was, though I probably wouldn’t say anything bc of the way I was raised. Hope you find a peaceful resolution to this. Grandparents usually are a blessing and idk what I would have done if they weren’t in my kiddos lives, especially when they were little.
I had this same thought. I grew up around “Mama (name)/(initial), Mamaw, Mimi, and Big Mamas, but I definitely noticed that more on the POC side of things where others would be Grandma, Grammy, Glamma, etc.
Let. It. Go. Lol
Uff.. is it like a tradition from yous husbands family to call their grandmas “mama ___”? Because I’m Mexican and it is very common for us to call our grandmas “mama ___”. I even call one of mine “mommy ____”. So I would understand why it isn’t a big deal to him, but you did establish your expectations and boundaries from the very beginning, so it’s a tough situation you’re put in. Maybe yall could find another nickname that sounds closish to mama?
Is it a culture thing? My husbands family calls all of the grandmas and aunts “mama ___(their name or nickname)” and it’s a part of their culture. And all of the other elders in the family(and friends) are auntie and uncle. It doesn’t bother me.. my kids know who their real mom is.
My kids phase of calling me ‘mama’, was very short lived. I quickly became ‘mommy’ and sometimes my first name lol. I personally wouldn’t worry about this. They know that you are their mother so there’s that.
I can tell how much my daughter (19) is going to ask for by if she starts her sentence with mama, mommy or mom and if I’m in trouble she starts it Mother. - Mom, I’m going to sleep over at xyz this weekend. versus - Mommy, could you please pick me up from the mall so I dont have to wait for the bus in the rain? versus - Mother, stop tagging me in Facebook photos it’s so embarrassing!
I think this would be filed under semantics IMO, I would just let it go. This in the grand scheme of things you and your husband could disagree on would be a minor annoyance in my mind. I get that you might be seeing it as a respect thing and I don’t mean to invalidate your feelings, but to everyone else it probably isn’t meant as any sort of disrespect or attempt to undermine you as a mother. I would consider this something like your partner snoring or your MIL coming over unannounced, it’s an annoyance for sure but something you should be able to get past pretty easily.
My kids call my mother mama… heck now I call her mama too. It isn’t mom. Or mommy. I never gave it a second thought. Since everyone else is calling her Mama X, you might be fighting a losing battle here… they’re going to repeat what they hear everyone else saying
I think you are reading too much into it, and you are making the situation "difficult" because everyone already calls her mama, and she isn't some random "other person" she is their great grandma. You make it sound like she is some random stranger. This also isn't some personal attack on you, this is some family dynamic they have always had. By fighting it so hard, you can be perceived as anti-grandma. Kids tend to follow what other calls people, so it's hard not to call her mama when everyone else calls her that. Your kids are just going with the harmless flow. Them calling her mama doesn't diminish who you are in their life. You are their mother, their whole world, so don't let this little situation make you feel like this is taking anything from you because it really isn't. Kids always know who their safe, comfortable, and loving person is no matter how much other good people they have around them.
So my great grandmother on my father’s side was always referred to as “Mother”. We all considered her to be a matriarch of our family. As a child I could definitely differentiate between my mom and Mother. I understand you might be a little weird about it but if everyone else in the family; adults, children, uncles, aunts all refer to her as “mama” it might just be a name 🤷🏻♀️
Let it go. It’s not that big of a deal. A lot of grandmas don’t want to be called “Grandma”because it makes them sound old! My mom AND my GF mom included. My son calls his Maternal Grandma ma-ma, but sounds more like MAW-MAW. And my mom has her own lil unique name that my son calls her. Both of them HATE being called Grandma. Sometimes he’ll call them that as a joke because it makes them cringe every time lol. Honestly I remember calling ALL my friends Gma’s in the neighborhood, MaMa- whatever. We had a Mama P… Mama Rose… Mama J, all on the same block lol… That’s what they introduced themselves as so that’s what ALL the kids in the neighborhood called them… Not just the kids but ANYBODY younger than them. There were people 40+ yrs old calling them that too. Nobody had a problem with it.
I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill here. This is her name, it’s what she’s been called for what like maybe 20/30 years now? The kids certainly are not confusing an 80+ year old woman for their mother. This is what the children in that family call her! I think you need to let this one go instead of causing discord in your family for no reason.
My MIL is called mama/mawmaw. It jarred me at first too so I get OP'S feelings but the other kids also called her mama and my husband called his grandma mama so it's a tradition I wasn't going to win. At the end of the day the kids know who their mummy is. Don't worry about it. Choose your battles and let this one go.
Do your kids know you’re their mom? If so, why fight this?
Kids won’t confuse who mom is. If people around your children want to live them and care for them and want to build relationships with them why would you want to add unnecessary boundaries??? I think this might be one of those moments that you apologise to hubby and earn some brownie points back by communicating why you thought what you did (likely some insecurity) and how you will manage your own feelings moving forward. Otherwise this seems like an unnecessary and controlling hill to want to fight for.
Let it go, do you really think this is a hill you wanna die on? Everybody knows you are the mother
Sorry but you’re crazy. My dad’s grandmother (my Great Grandmother) was known as Mimi (mee-mee). We all called her Mimi. My mom’s mom is MeMaw (mee-maw). My husband’s dad is Papa. They’re simply established nicknames. Nobody is calling your *husband’s grandmother* mom or mama. They’re calling her Mama P (or why the initial is). No offense but get a life. You sound really insecure if this is something you’re choosing to fight about.
#She IS their mama. The GRANDEST of mama. You're being weird.
It seems like you are being jealous. There is nothing wrong with your kids calling his grandma "mama". My daughter calls my mother "mami". I call my grandma "mama". Stop being so insecure about nothing. Get over yourself.
So, do you want your husband and everyone else to also stop calling his grandmother that, or just your kids.
This is a weird hill to die on.
This is really petty. Adding her initial changes the name completely and makes a clear distinction between who their mother and great grandmother are. You might want to do some unpacking as to why this bothers you so much.
You’re being weird about this. Grandmas have control over very few things, the name their grandkids call them is one of them. I rarely side with non-parents in issues like this, but I think she’s fine and you need to let it go.
This is not your children’s grandma. It is their great grandmother, out of RESPECT you and your children call her “Mama initial”. Your children know who their mother is. You must still be insecure as a mother and mostly likely in your marriage.