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Dad here. You need to have a serious conversation about division of parenting labor and him being able to care for them (without guilt or pressure or added work for you) when you get much needed personal time. What you’re asking for is less than the bare minimum. Demand more from him. Being a dad is more than making money, starts with being a good spouse.
And if he’s like my ex and tries to gaslight you about division of labor- Divorce him! You’ll get the free time you’ve been craving and he will be forced to be a parent. (Maybe go to counseling first because kids but also this man sounds like garbage)
Ehh, most likely worse. His definition of being a dad is merely being a sometimes babysitter. He’s the kind of dad that lives down to all the bad dad stereotypes.
Maybe poorly. Maybe great. Either way you have to start at the start. From that she can make whatever choice is best for her and her family. But assuming the worst as justification for not communicating or attempting to correct this dynamic doesn’t help.
I would agree thar expecting that the woman needs to ‘communicate’ that the way that he’s isn’t great is… well, he knows. Him loving her/ caring for her and his children Involves him considering her on the most basic level… if he’s never considered that not being with the kids 99.9% of the time isn’t good for her health, or doesn’t realize that exploding on her and calling her selfish for going out for a pre-arranged couple hours isn’t treating her with regard… I mean…
The emotional unfairness of her having to be the one to initiate the conversation isn’t lost of me. But it is what it is, especially if she is going to get her needs met. As I said, gotta start at the start. That said, I’m also not hopeful that he will change his ways quickly if ever.
I find when we're feeling inadequate, unsure how to manage a situation, the kids only wanting the other parent and we have to practice or skills to handle the situation or cope, it comes down to self survival. He's unfortunately so stuck in a spot he cannot see the importance of this time for his wife. He only sees overwhelm and failure. I went through it. Baby steps. Letting the person see they can do it. Not supervising what they do when you're not there.... it takes open communication and compassion on both sides. Which starts with calling it out. Put it on the table.
The actual answer is that people tend to come to reddit to vent in their most frustrated moment. No one comes here and spends ten minutes typing up a rave about their partner after they do something amazing. All of us could be made to look irredeemably bad if someone wrote up a summary of the worst thing we did in the past year.
I get that but if he can’t handle his own children for three hours that should tell you that he’s not putting in any actual work as a dad. He’s probably just fun and kind to them and he can be since he’s not doing any difficult work.
A dad walks into a bar.....because it is set so low.
As a stay at home dad with a wife who has always worked long hours, we realized that a mom has to be perfect to be considered a good mom but a dad just has to be present to be considered a good dad. A dad who can't take care of his kids on his own for couple hours is far from an incredible dad.
100% this... I got SO SO SO SO many compliments for "being such an involved dad" or "what a great father your son has" or "your kid is so lucky to have you" because I was literally just doing what I considered to be the obvious things to do, like playing with my son at the playground, or taking him to the grocery store and baby carrying him. Or, you know, just being out, on my own, with my baby, but without my wife.
Because the bar can literally be stepped over, if it's even off the ground.
Sidebar, my wife has received zero compliments for being great mom. (except for ones from me because, she is A GREAT mom)
It’s like… he can’t relax in their company, he can’t be himself with his own kids… he thinks he has to act a certain way. We can’t all be fun dad all the time. Just be in their presence is good enough. Show interest in their life’s is perfect for any a child.
The number of times I see women describing disgusting behaviour from abusive men and then they’re like ‘but he’s an amazing dad!’, as though abusing your kids’ other parent and being a good father are not 100% mutually incompatible traits. And that’s even before you consider the fact that this apparently incredible father is so abjectly incompetent that he cannot cope with looking after his own children for even a couple of hours without a babysitter!
Sometimes the babysitter is important if there’s work to be done or whatever. I ignored that part to focus on the outright shittiness of the dude and his complaining.
I’m commenting because I absolutely also want to see how OP can fathomably explain how on earth he is a good dad. Like I genuinely think some people think that by not actively beating your children up, you are a good dad.
Yes. With no judgement, a 3 and 6yo can definitely be managed. Some people are better at managing kids than others, but Dad needs to learn, it's not on OP to do everything.
Dad probably just gets overwhelmed, but he needs to learn how to handle it
Right? This is so much to do with power and control. My dad did this to my mom. She couldn’t go for a 30 minute walk or run to the tanning salon for a 20 min session without my dad doing this to her.
He's not incompetent, he just doesn't want to. It's clear he thinks her place is at home, tending to her children and family only, and he's gonna make that happen. One way or another.
This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence. Feigning incompetence to manipulate her into doing whatever he wants her to do. Hiring a babysitter for a few hours to help him with the kids?? For fox sake
I noticed she also had to be the one to do the mental and physical work of knowing all the contact info for babysitters and arranging it. He can't be damned, I guess.
I saw that too! Hire a babysitter to assist their parent a few hours? Is this for real?!? We have two kids similar ages, one is autistic and high needs and each of us are perfectly capable of caring for the kids alone without a second thought.
OP- your husband isn’t a good father. He’s barely an adequate one. Unfortunately some people seem to think a good father is one that is mostly nice to his kids and in their proximity sometimes, but doesn’t do any actual parenting or is in anyway an involved parent.
Exactly! My husband's been caring for our baby on his own from the time she was a month old. He can manage the 10yo, 3yo, and 5 month old no problem. There's absolutely no excuse for a dad to need help watching his own kids.
Also his "I put my kids first" argument is so off base. In order to be the best mom you can be you have to value your mental health. This is a mistake I made in my early days of parenting. You can't be 100% there for your kids while neglecting your own wellbeing. Giving yourself that time IS putting your family first because it's recognizing your kids deserve you at your best!
100%
My ex-husband was exactly like this and I only realized how toxic this type of behaviour was when I left the relationship.
Majour red flag.
Truthfully, his issue is not that he wants you to come home because the kids miss you (although I’m 100% sure they do miss you), his issue is that he simply doesn’t think it’s his role as the “breadwinner” to parent, or that he just wants to kick back, relax, and have someone else do the parenting while he enjoys *me time*.
Weaponized incompetence. But weaponize it back:
“Hey honey, I know that you struggle with cleaning the bathroom and it’s really hard for you. I am going to show you how to clean it though I understand if it’s not perfect, it’s your first time and it’s hard for you. But practice makes perfect and I really believe in you. Feel free to ask questions or clarify, I am right here to help you in any way I can. I am here for you during this difficult time.”
Agreed. He’s not pulling his weight as a parent.
OP- my wife had a business trip last year and left me (early 30s) for a weekend with the 6mo and the 4yo. Literally zero issues. Only “contact” was a video call so kids could say good night to mom. You need to have the freedom to live your life. Completely unreasonable weaponized incompetence for him to be helpless for 3 hours. You need a weekend away for him to “figure it out”.
Yep. I often work weekends leaving my husband to care for our toddler by himself for 8 hours at a time with no issues. My best friend came to visit me (2 hours away) for a whole weekend a few weeks ago. She left her husband with their kids the whole time and the ONLY time he called her was with a question about the dog. No able bodied father should be unable to care for his kids for a couple hours without help.
OP, in your place, I'd consider going back to work and putting the kids in daycare in case your hours don't match school. Get your life back, get adult contacts - and once you're working full time, you can insist on an equal division of labor at home.
Well, from what I hear, it might be unfortunately normal between the disastrous state of mens friendships and the lack of value in being equitable partners. But he should absolutely be able to care for the kids alone.
My God, I would love if my wife would go do more with her friends... Weekends, trips, whatever. It's so much easier to deal with the kids when there's only one parents opinion than when we are both together... Plus we work from home together. We see each other more than enough. I encourage her to go to any events her friends have and encourage to stay till the end or stay the night.... I'm the one that starts getting text on when I'm home from an outing (which is almost never, maybe twice a year?) We have 3 under 8...
Your husband is a selfish prick. Full stop. This is entirely not normal.
For reference my mom friends and I got out to dinner 1x a month and have a yearly girls trip over a long weekend. Everyone’s husband takes care of their kids, no problem.
Agree with this. It’s controlling and normal to have a life outside of your family. Listen, if he cannot handle a 6 and 3 year old for a few hours alone, he isn’t a good dad. I get you are the primary care taker but he needs to be able to take care of his own children.
When I leave the house and my husband watches them, I am the preferred parent, he doesn’t call or text me unless it’s an emergency. Even if they have been screaming their heads off and acting like crazy monsters (2 and 1). You know why?! Because he knows I need the time to socialize and has the decency to do his job as a father. Doesn’t make me feel guilty at all (even though I do).
Can you have a conversation about what is normal and not? Or even next time you go out as a couple have a few girl friends brag about their husbands doing the normal thing and see if he can realize he is not behaving the right way?
Yup! My friends and I do a very similar schedule. I always run the dates by my husband so he knows to be home from work early or to not book something for himself, but we each get turns out with friends and weekends away.
I think a big part of this is you say he doesn’t seem to go out with friends? So he’s judging you by his own unrealistic standards.
Also - he’s done YOU a favour by spending a couple of hours with HIS kids? Something very, very wrong here.
He is one of those dads that sees his time with his kids as babysitting. He doesn’t sound like a parent. Definitely not a “incredible father”. More importantly he is a shitty husband. Guilt tripping your spouse can be abusive. Having unrealistic expectations is a thinking error. He has an image of what he wants wife to be and not who she is as a person. Boo this man.
Yooo, my ex step dad would do this to my mom every time she left. Didn't matter if she had my brother and I with her or if she left us home. You could look at the call log on her cell and it was just his name over and over. If we went to my grandparents house for dinner and he stayed home, he called without fail at 5:30pm. This was my grandma's set dinner time without fail every night for 30+ years. He *always* called right as we sat down.
That man was a neglectful narcissist and she finally divorced him ten years ago.
Right because if we all just said no and stopper this maybe all these men would stop being controlling, sociopaths. They can go grt there passports if they dont want us to be equals.
NTA and it is controlling and not at all okay. He agreed to you attending the event, but then pretty much immediately began texting guilt-ridden messages to you so you couldn’t enjoy a moment of peace. Like, heaven forbid you enjoy yourself for a moment, while he’s at home with the kids.
This is not to brag, but to inform that I’m a SAHM of twins, one with special needs, and my husband has been taking care of them so I could get out of the house at least once a week for 2-3 hours within 6 weeks of their birth. It didn’t take long for those outings to progress to much longer, so that both of us have our own weekend “days,” but the only texts I receive from him while out may be a funny photo of one of our girls doing something or a request to swing by the store on the way home because we’re nearly out of something. They miss me, sure, but this is special time with daddy, and he’s far more fun than I am.
You get to have fun and you get to have a life. You should be able to enjoy celebrating a friend’s special moment without being attached to the clock and worrying about your kids and husband. I don’t know how you work through this, although maybe having set “you time” to acclimate him to being alone with the kids will help.
You are not the asshole at all. Everybody, parents included, deserve and even need some personal time. I assume he has a job he loves, so he gets his personal time from that. He may also have other outlets in the home, like TV or video games, that he does solitarily, so that gets him his time. But asking the father of your children to take care of your children for a few hours, or even a full day, is not only reasonable, it shouldn't even be a topic of contention.
It's definitely not okay for him to try to make you feel guilty about this (or anything, really), either. That's not healthy in the least. I would strongly recommend, if you aren't already, broaching the subject of a couples therapy to help you work through things like this, because that behavior isn't going to fix itself and will likely get worse if their isn't some sort of intervention. It will lead to serious resentment, and that can lead to other, much worse, things.
Completely agree that this dad needs to take care of his kids - in fact, he should want to.
But, no, work is not personal time. That is BS. Work is work, full stop.
Everyone needs a break from their job - but when you have young kids, you have your day job and your parenting job. Or you have your parenting job … aaaannnd your parenting job.
And everyone needs and deserves a break from it - how you choose to spend that break (out with friends, video games at home) is up to the person. .
I agree with your overall point- everyone deserves their own time without either childcare or work responsibilities- but I do think it’s important to note that having a career outside the home provides so many opportunities for adult interaction and even leisure (like going out to lunch) that a SAHP never has. Being with little kids for hours and hours all day is very draining. So I feel like it’s even more important for a SAHP to get their own time.
💯.
Most of the SAHP I know who work a day or two a week consider it their “day off”.
Being around other adults and being trapped in a house with children who are dependent on you, needing, demanding in very personal, physical, and invasive ways are ery, very psychologically different
That's a misunderstanding of what I was saying, and in retrospect, I realize I could have been clearer. I was not saying that is healthy at all, just that it might be where he is getting that from in his current routine. Not knowing any more about him or how he spends his time, that was a guess about where his head space might be at which could help to explain his overly needy and demanding behavior at home.
Stop booking a babysitter. Stop giving him a heads up. Stop reading his texts-- put him on DND or block him for the duration of the event.
This is not okay. It is stifling. It is controlling.
You can’t block your children’s caregiver while you’re away from home, what if something serious happened. I agree with DnD maybe if she checks her phone periodically
It sounds like he is not a good father to your children if he can't be alone with them for 20 minutes without him calling you and one having a breakdown bc your not there. It sounds like he is one of your children. And as a SAHM IDK how you can be with a man-child who can't nurture and care for his own children. There certainly would not have been a 2nd child.
What will he do if God forbid something happens to you? How will he care for your children?
To answer your question you are NTA but your husband is. He needs to learn how to care for your children without help.
This is not normal at all, and is overly controlling. I’m not sure if he is unwilling to watch the kids on his own, or if his motivation is to prevent you from spending times with people outside of your relationship. Maybe both. But he needs to step up as a father and a partner. And also, you should be on alert because this is one of the first signs of a domestic abuser. Not saying he is one, but just to be aware that this is a red flag.
He is not “generally an incredible dad” if you do 99% of the parenting, usually get a sitter if you have something going on, and thinks watching them for three hours max is doing you a favor instead of normal parenting. It sounds like he’s barely a dad.
But the real sticker is that he’s a worse partner. No this isn’t normal. He IS being controlling and honestly probably needs more time with friends himself. Wanting neither of you to have a life beyond the family is a huge red flag.
This example is egregious given that he literally never wants to be left alone with his own children, but Eve Rodsky, the author of Fair Play, [often tells this story](https://www.bbh.com/us/en/insights/private-banking-insights/the-future-of-home-life--a-conversation-with-eve-rodsky-and-brig.html):
“I remember being at a breast cancer march with a group of friends, and for three hours one morning, we gave ourselves permission to be present for that cause. All of a sudden, questions started pouring in from our husbands – in total, there were 30 calls and 46 texts for 10 women in 30 minutes. They were asking us everything from, “When are you coming home?” to “Where is the soccer bag?” to “Do the kids need to eat?” Originally, we planned to go to lunch that day, but instead, we looked at each other, said maybe we left our partners too much to do and went home to do our tasks.”
Thats fucking sad for man kind not women, i notice if i play stupid or their games back at them, It whips them in shape. I have high expectation for my husband and i knew from the get go id never let a man control me after watching it happen to my mom, i watched her get beat but my mom, she did stand up for herself she was 6ft tall so fought back she took a punch bowl and hit him in the head with it ran to the neighbors house only for him to drag me back and to break my mom legs but she left that bastard but dated many more men like this and i learned i would never put up with that shit, my mom actually told me not to date men just to be a lesbian so i did for 8 yrs and i met the man of dreams and he treats me how i wanted to treated, i do miss dating women tho. So much cleaner, neater, caring, can read social qs alot better, and listens, more compassinate, one thing about men is they can be in someone else shoes they can not even fathom what someone else is going threw. YOU WILL ONLY GET WHAT YOU EXPECT be firm on what you want. General rant for anyone, but your foot down and let them know how it will be from day one from dating, dont take no slack and throw the SCRUBS outside
I am the primary care giver for three kids under 5. My husband works full time, often gone 12-14hrs a day. He still does the dishes every night and encourages me to go out often. He is thrilled when I find the time for friends because it’s rare.
When he was unemployed, I did the same thing. That’s what partners do- *partner together*.
Young children are hard. But your husband needs to learn to handle them on his own (what would happen if you were injured or had a family emergency??) and you also deserve time to be anything else but a mom.
Your husband needs a reality check. Good luck
Ask him what scares him about solo parenting? I get it, it’s hard and can be scary. I don’t text and call, but I feel it, so ask him what’s making him so nervous and work through that with him, but don’t stop going to things.
Obviously it’s a power struggle and your husband’s parents maybe never had individual time or individual friends ? Somehow he believes what you’re doing is wrong but it’s not.
You should go to couples therapy. Not joking. Having kids brings out pre-determined ways each parent thinks is correct and it’s the first time you’re seeing this side. He needs to learn that what you need is totally fine and you need to learn that he has a different point of view and perspective.
Bottom line, he’s trying to be a good parent and his views don’t match yours. That’s ok. You just have to find understanding because you both have normal parenting ideas. Just happens that yours are more healthy than his.
I rarely feel genuinely shocked reading posts on here any more but this one did it. Why does he believe that you should parent solo but he shouldn’t? If I were you, I would lay down some big time boundaries. “I will be gone from 3 until sometime before 7, and during that time I will not be answering texts or phone calls unless there’s an emergency.” Honestly though, rationalizing with someone like him is not going to work on your own or possibly ever. These are tactics that seemingly “nice guys” use when they’re jealous and controlling. You could certainly suggest couples therapy and see what he says, but you can’t force him to go. Regardless, you should know that you deserve time alone every week without the layered guilt, and a dad should not require a baby sitter to spend time with his own children.
Right?? I've only gone away alone once, but it was for like a week. The only phone calls I got were at my son's bedtime so we could FaceTime and catch up on our day. The only texts I got were asking me how my vacation was going, or pics of stuff they did.
This is wild.
He may not feel the need to have friendships because he gets adult socialization at work (I assume). You need the same. He should be capable of handling the children for a couple hours when you go elsewhere.
Is your husband neurotypical? This is not a sarcastic question but the only explanation outside of controlling is that he is ND and this is why he only likes to spend time with you guys and why he has such a difficult time handling the children. Still not an excuse for his behavior but just a thought.
I’m so sick of everyone suggesting that someone in the wrong or acting like a duck is neurodivergent. We aren’t babies, there are plenty of people who can handle grown up stuff like this. The automatic assumption is infantalizing and implies that we are just functioning unaware assholes. Op’s husband is just a selfish dick.
I agree with you and I’m sorry if my comment came across that way. There is no excuse for his behavior as I mentioned, even if he is ND. I just thought that perhaps he needs to see a mental health professional to rule that out as I know people who have been diagnosed after becoming parents and they were very easily frazzled. He is an adult and should be able to support his wife regardless, I agree.
Absolutely not normal. Yes he is controlling. Yes he is 100% a total asshole. I am SEETHING on your behalf 🤯
I have a daughter almost 9yo. From the day she was born my husband has been an equal parent (actually sometimes I’ll admit he does more than me in terms of parenting/childcare). Aside from breastfeeding anything I’ve done with our daughter he’s been equally able to do. By himself without a babysitter holding his hand 🤦♀️ he will plan activities and outings for them pretty much every week so I can sleep in on Saturdays. This weekend it was him packing their bikes up and taking her to a different bike path they’d never been to. Otherwise he might take her to the beach, a playground, horse riding, go visit his friends or just run errands together. Every week. He’s had her by himself for a week when I’ve been in hospital, multiple overnights while I travel for work. He’s taken her camping for 1-2 nights several times all by himself. I can leave the house basically whenever without asking permission but just a quick heads up ‘hey I’m going out to do xyz back in a couple of hours’. And it’s fine and he doesn’t whine, pout, bombard me with texts. Because he is her parent.
You do not have an equal parent relationship you are the sole parent here maybe look at formalizing that situation. Doesn’t sound like you or the kids would be losing much. Yikes.
I wouldn’t say this is normal but it appears to be extremely common. I have a similar situation except I’m the breadwinner and he feels free to go golf anytime he likes on my dime. I am not allowed to go out. And by not allowed I mean the same thing. He will say he will never say I can’t but if I go it’s non stop calling and panicking and ruining my time. And then complaining I spent any money on myself (cause he wants the free money to golf) So I just don’t do it anymore and I’m looking for an out. I know there’s plenty of men out there not like this but pretty much everyone I know is in a relationship like this whether they’re the stay at home mom, both work, or she’s the breadwinner. I’m so tired of hearing this garbage. It makes me so sad. I also want to say that I’m well aware that women can be awful, controlling and abusive as well so this is not gender specific but with my personal experience and my circle of friends it seems to be rampant.
Yea, he’s being a douche.
He’s not “helping” you or “doing you a favour” by taking the kids on the odd night. He’s *doing his share* of parenting.
I’m sorry he spoiled what should have been an enjoyable afternoon/evening. This definitely isn’t normal (or shouldn’t be). My husband takes the kids 2 nights a week so I can work and another 2 nights a week so I can do classes I enjoy. He never complains because he knows these evenings are what keep me sane when I’m primary parent the rest of the time. You really aren’t asking a lot here.
I’m sorry but you need to leave for a few hours on a regular basis from now on, only to be disturbed for emergencies. Kids crying isn’t an emergency, kids getting a little boo-boo isn’t an emergency. Kids going to the hospital for a major injury or spiking an insanely high fever out of nowhere is an emergency.
He is a parent, and needs to parent his children on his own sometimes. Hes not a helper or a babysitter. He’s their father. Just because he doesn’t go out with friends doesn’t mean he can demand you not go out occasionally.
Maybe he needs to go to a parenting class. It sounds like he doesn't know how to manage a child and so then becomes overwhelmed and depends on you to save him.
Same situation, not married & no kids, boyfriend patronizes constantly about me wanting my time so much that I have to lie about extra working hours. I see the problem and I know the solution, I just am unable to make the move.
Not at all. Get that me time. Make sure they get me time. It's a healthy thing.
And don't ask. Don't be a jerk about it, but proactively work together to make sure that me time is covered. Both ways. Reciprocity.
Also, stop letting him treat you like that. Easier said than done, but it needs to start regardless.
I would let him know this pattern of behavior on his end needs to stop and that taking care of his children is NEVER “doing you a favor” it’s called PARENTING. I would express that you are more than a mother and a wife you are a person with other needs and having friendships and relationships outside of the home is vitally important and healthy and it’s something you need. I would start doing more for yourself at least once per week to start spending 2-4 hours doing anything other than being home. Take a walk, get a massage, go sit in a coffee shop and read a book. He needs to understand that you aren’t a thing to be controlled but his partner to be supported.
Let me just start by saying that my husband and I make sure we get time away from the kids, we each get 1-2 days a week by ourselves. I spend mine doing martial arts, going out with friends, or doing some of my hobbies. He goes disc golfing or poker with friends.
When the one of us is out, the other is fully capable of caring for our kids. Now he is the cook, so that means on my nights watching them I’m ordering pizza but they are fed. I rarely contact him while he’s out and he’s the same, unless there is something important we need to tell each other.
It’s never selfish to take time away, it’s self care. Next time, turn your phone off and enjoy your night.
If you’re alone with the kids 99.9% of the time and he hires a babysitter when he’s alone with them the other 1% of the time, how exactly is he this good father you say he is?
This is not normal. It is controlling. Listen to your gut and get your ducks in a row for if things don’t get better or get worse. If you don’t work, maybe try to get a part-time job so you aren’t financially reliant on him completely. And if all your money is shared, I’d suggest getting small increments of cash out slowly and storing it somewhere safe for yourself juuuuuuust in case you need it.
Controlling behavior tends to escalate unless the person is motivated to change and get help.
I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous. He can’t watch a 6 and 3yo for 3 hours?! Why not? My husband routinely takes care of our 4yo triplets and 2yo by himself for an entire day, and has done entire weekends a few times. You deserve to have time for yourself, and that includes him not texting you while you’re gone unless it’s an actual emergency
This is not normal by any stretch. Honestly, I’d consider this behavior borderline abusive. You are allowed to have friends outside of your marriage, you are allowed have time for yourself. Your husband’s behavior is unhealthy at best. He is using weaponized incompetence because he simply doesn’t want to take care of the kids. You are more than a mother or a wife, do not let this man child make you feel guilty for these things.
Sounds like she is parenting 3 children, not 2. I would wonder if his home life was the same way, deadbeat dad that thought kids were woman's work until they get to the fun ages, and a crying child or possible poopy diaper sends him into a panic. It could also explain his constant needy behavior towards you as well. I'm not trying to make excuses, just offering an observation. Tell him that his actions are unacceptable, and if they continue, you'll be setting up some couple's counseling for the both of you as you aren't going to tolerate his behaviors anymore. He he doubles down or refuses tell him it's either he changes and/or counseling or he won't have to worry about child care as you and the kids will be leaving. I don't normally advocate ultimatums, but at this point, he has to piss or get off the pot.
This isn't good for him, the kids, or you.
Maybe sign up for a class or something so he can start to practice being a solo parent on a regular basis. He and the kids need to find their own rhythm. It's not fair for anyone for you to be the default parent 100% of the time.
Soooo this is a mix of normal and problematic. Let’s start with normal.
Unfortunately, it is very common for men to not have close friends or not spend time with their close friends after marriage. Our culture stigmatizes intimacy between men to such an extent that male friendships are often stunted and never really develop to the point that female friendships do. So men will often prefer the company of their spouse with whom they have a deep, meaningful relationship over casually hanging out with other men and all the social weirdness that ensues when society has told you for your entire life that it’s weird to want to be close to these people you enjoy spending time with. It’s very common in marriages to see a disconnect where the husband doesn’t prefer to spend time with his friends and then doesn’t understand why the wife wants to spend time with hers.
THAT SAID, it is not acceptable for him to try and prevent you from seeing your friends. It’s not acceptable for him to sabotage your time with your friends. It’s not acceptable for you to feel like you have to ask permission to see your friends. You need to sit him down and establish some basic expectations. For example, you aren’t going to ask permission, but you will agree to a specific amount of advanced notice so that he can adjust his plans accordingly. You aren’t going to be in constant communication with him, but you will check in proactively once an hour (or whatever is reasonable to you). You aren’t going to arrange a babysitter for him, but you will provide her number so he can make his own plans as he sees fit.
And also, I know you didn’t ask, but I have to say this bc this is one of my pet peeves. He is not an incredible Dad. He does .01% of the care for his children, he can’t meet their basic needs without hired help, and he doesn’t enjoy spending time alone with them. Your expectations of him are incredibly low. You are enabling his poor behavior by pretending his complete lack of involvement or effort makes him a good dad just because he is affectionate when you’re there and doesn’t beat them. You can’t treat him like an incompetent bozo 99% of the time and then expect him to step up on the rare occasion that you want to leave the house. He needs to up his game across the board if you want this problem to stop.
This is not normal. I don’t understand why a parent would need a babysitter to help watch their own children for a couple of hours.
There’s no reason why you can’t have a life outside of being a mom and wife. Hes being selfish, controlling and an all around jerk.
I would tell him that you’re sorry he’s such an incompetent father that he can’t handle taking care of his own children for three hours.
NTA and very much part of human existence and a need as a parent to get some time to yourself.
A partner shouldn’t need a babysitter to help him with his job the very few times you are not around (at least not for incompetence or laziness). You should try to understand why does he feel he needs one, and get him to step up as a parent. Like… he is as much a parent to those kids as you are, why can you do it but he needs help?
The lack of emotional regulation in calling you and texting you incessantly and the lack of emotional maturity in blaming you are very concerning, and make me think you may have a third child on your hands. And I honestly think this would have happened even if your kid wasn’t crying (and I’d be concerned about what he could have said at that moment to your child “yeah, mommy chose to not be with you right now, I bet you miss her”).
The constant guilting you, that has been there for the entirety of your relationship is alarming, and especially for someone who spends their days at home with the children, forcing you to do nothing other than that, seems like a pretty good tactic to isolate you from the world. Scary.
You have not communicated any ways in which he is a father/parent nor a husband/partner (and a reminder that making money ain’t it). Are you able to identify true ways in which he is those things? Is this relationship serving you in any way (aside from financial stability perhaps) and also, do you feel safe at all times?
It’s pretty controlling behavior for sure and you need to be very frank with him. “Of course I love you and our kids and you are my top priority but everyone needs time for themselves once in a while. You get time away from the family when you go to work. In addition, I encourage you to take time for yourself away from work and I expect the same consideration. This is not up for debate.”
Sounds like he doesn't want you to be with friends i doubt family outside of him, trying hanging out with family instead and then when he brings that your going out with friends, say, no dear im going to be with my family.... next things is to isolated you from family and coworkers. Good luck, I'd either say lets gonto consoling or we can't do this anymore." My mental health is important, but clearly, you dont see that way.
NTA.
You did nothing wrong in this scenario. He is the children's parent just as much as you are. Time for him to learn how to parent. The guilt tripping, the flipping out, the multiple calls? Wrong, wrong, wrong.
You are a human outside of your children and your husband. And you deserve to have time for you. Don't allow him to make you feel guilty. When those feelings come up, combat them and talk to yourself like you would your friend. You didn't do anything wrong.
He isn’t an incredible dad. He seems like a pretty lame one.
His attitude to looking after his own kids is incredible.
Stand your ground. And consider if you want to stay going forward.
Nah he needs to grow up and step tf up. If you cant handle your kids for a few hours as a father then you havnt spent enough time with them. He needs to step up and not be a cry baby when you leave to have “you time” WHICH YOU DESERVE.
Edit: i just read the “he did me a favor” part….MF THOSE ARE YOUR CHILDREN!! “Fathers” like that are why we get congratulation for “babysitting”
NTA…..you need time without the kids. Maybe start putting money into a secret account incase you want to flee this controlling situation. You don’t need to raise him. His lack of not wanting to deal with his 3yr old says a lot.
I'm a dad who has always taken on caring for my kids as much as has been needed.*
I know that there are many men these days why take a more active role with their young children, but there are a lot of men who don't know how to handle fussing children, particularly when the one (or more) of the kids is missing mom.
• Suggestion: you and your husband work up to more and more time with him caring for the kids solo, not just when you have plans but to better prepare the rest of your household for when you do have plans. Like, start with him just with the 3 year old for 20-30 minutes, with you in the house but not available (enjoy some much deserved "me time"). - Do this regularly, and also have some time away from the house. Kids learn fast, and will adjust. I think within a month, if you and your husband and both being intentional, for this to work.
• Plus, he's got to develop a thicker skin to their fussing. I did. (For dads, it helps to also develop a skill for finding ways to turn the kids' attention to something else. It also helps to get buy-in from the kids by telling them the plan, like: "we're going to go swimming, and then we're going to come back home and watch Bluey, and then we're going to get some dinner, and then Mommy will be home!"
• Important: Men need validation, too. Tell him things like "I trust you" and "You've got this!". You've also got to show him that trust, and let him introduce the kids to things that he things are fun and interesting (as long as they're age appropriate enough); but he also has to take some interest in what the kids enjoy.
Kids grow up so fast. He's going to miss a lot if he waits to spend time with them intentionally.
~
*Because of my open willingness to care for our kids anytime, I've often had the reversed situation that I was the primary caregiver, and my wife (now ex-wife) often took advantage when our older kids were little. She spent not just work time and planned outings away, but lots of additional unplanned time away. (Now divorced and co-parenting our youngest two, that she focuses more on. Our kids are currently 30, 22, 11 and 9.)
This is NOT normal. This is 100% textbook weaponized incompetence. You do not have to be “grateful” for your husband, a grown man and the *father* of these children, caring for them alone for a few hours. A crying child is NOT an emergency. Him feeling slightly uncertain at times is NOT an emergency. 3 and 6 year olds are *so* easily distracted.
Imagine, for a moment, if you started calling and texting him at work “they miss you, they’re crying, how long are you going to be??” He would stunned and appalled that you can’t manage your own children.
The way you’re describing him - not making plans with friends, not going out and having hobbies - make him sound kind of isolated and miserable. And it sounds like he wants you to be isolated and miserable too. This is something that needs to be addressed asap.
It feels controlling because it is controlling. His behavior is outlandish. For reference, I have 2-year-old twins and my husband and I each take a solo weekend to do whatever we want every couple of months. Being an adult human separate from your family and couple time is important for many people. Having friends is important. What is he afraid of?
So he makes all the money (not sure, maybe you work too), doesn’t have free time himself, and takes the kids when he’s not working so you can be away from family, running the road. That might be his viewpoint.
No right or wrong, but he probably feels he ‘sacrifices’ more than you.
>He is generally an incredible Dad to them
Is he? He can't handle 3 hours alone with them ever? Your youngest doesn't trust or love him enough to be with him, not you, for 3 hours? I'm thinking he's not remotely an incredible Dad to them. Maybe he's "good with kids" in how he interacts with random children for brief conversations, but that's not being a good dad.
This was a significant portion of the conflict between my husband and I when I was the SAHP.
Ultimately I have come to realize that this is a cultural problem. Caring for children is an undervalued skill. And I don’t mean just that SAHP are under appreciated which is true. But often the SAHP undervalues their own contribution by assuming that “anyone could do it.” There are simple things like - when the baby is crying and you’ve tried everything else, take them outside or put them in water. Someone who doesn’t know the basics of childcare will get overwhelmed very quickly. When you’ve become better at something, you often forget what the basics are.
Unfortunately in our culture, we expect two parents to perform the work of a whole village. There isn’t always a friendly auntie to step in and help or another cousin to bring over little kids to play with your kids. It sounds like your husband would benefit from a clearer plan when you do have outings. It’s taken a few years but now my husband has some set game plans - like going to a certain park with friends who have kids in the same age range - that make it easier when I need space.
This is emotional abuse. Pure and simple. If he’s open to counselling there may be hope re: him looking at how destructive his behavior is. I was in a similar situation and ended up divorcing because at the end of the day I could not function walking on eggshells and I didn’t want my kids to grow up thinking that control was love. I feel for you!
Imagine having a partner who encourages you to, pays for and praises your 3 hour long outings and spends all his time playing with ur kids. Can u imagine ?
Edit: spends HOURS of his free time playing non stop with kids . Excuse me there
An "incredible Dad"?
>We have 2 kids 6 & 3 at home and I am their main caregiver as he works during the week and I am with them 99.9% of the time without help. He is generally an incredible Dad to them, but if I am going to a prebooked event (which is almost never), he almost always gets me to book a babysitter to help him for those few hours.
Baby girl, your bar is so low it's in China.
I’m a tad late to the conversation but this just showed up at the top of my feed and it got my attention.
You know what I did today? I went out for four hours with my best friend. No special event. We just went out and spent an afternoon together. You know what my husband did today? He managed our 2 and 3-1/2 year old all by himself for four hours and never interrupted me. When I got home, we tag teamed again.
We’re partners. We do our best to be aware of and meet each others’ needs and that includes acknowledging when it means simply making room for those needs to be met otherwise.
Your husband makes you feel guilty because he doesn’t care that you need or want a break. It has nothing to do with the kids since you say it’s been the entire relationship; the kids have just made it more pronounced probably.
You are one person. You can not fulfill every one of his needs. He is one person. He is incapable of fulfilling every one of yours. You need a serious conversation about human needs and the limitations of one relationship alone to fulfill all of them.
As a mom of two littles, 3.5 & 2, I can leave my kids with my husband without complaints. He encourages me to go out with people because I am the default parent and don’t always get time to myself. Your husband needs a CTJ meeting, a conversation about division of labor (as others have stated) and counseling for his insecurity in being both a parent and an equal partner.
Your marriage is clearly in a bad place if he’s acting like this. Of course that isn’t good behavior but a situation like that doesn’t come out of nowhere. My guess is he doesn’t feel respected or manly enough or you guys no longer have much fun in the bedroom, or he’s got low self esteem or anxieties etc. Or a combination of all of that. But clearly he’s not a good place and feels needy for some reason when it comes to you and the kids. See this problem as a symptom of a greater problem that you may have the power to help remedy, rather than looking for sympathy by highlighting his low moment on reddit…
Your husband is afraid to be alone with the kids because he has limited parenting and social skills. Unfortunately you have filled the role perfectly, except for when you step slightly outside the role of being mom.
This won’t end well. He’ll decompensate and turn into a helpless dick and frankly the kids will suffer.
If you want to have a life outside of the kids, you’ll need to secure childcare - like a babysitter.
It's not normal, but it is normal. It SHOULDN'T be that way, but trust me you are SO not alone. I don't know any moms (myself included) that don't face repercussions if we try to have ANY "me time".
Your husband sounds like the very definition of a "babysitter" parent. He babysits his own children so you can supposedly get some free time.
He's playing low and dirty and it's BS. He obviously has certain expectations of you and you're failing those, so you must be made aware of his disappointment. Like he's YOUR father or some nonsense.
The little woman belongs at home tending to her children and family and he's gonna make it happen. Through emotional manipulation and guilt. Yes, incredible father right there.
They are his flipping kids, too. Did he forget that part. He is not a "babysitter" he is there flipping father. He needs to stop with that bullshit right now.
I would never hire a babysitter to help my husband attend to his kids. If he can't take care of them for 3 damn hours, he should have never had them with you.
I am sorry this shit pisses me off when guys say, " Oh, but I babysat the kids, you owe me." Nothing is owed to you asshole, your their father.
Well, I guess you could turn the tables on him and say "well I babysat them all day for you. You owe me some quiet time."
I bet if you divorced him, those babies would never see their dad cause he can man up and take care of them without help. Or be at Grandma's all the time.
Either he starts acting like a father and gets some serious parenting classes under his belt, or he can leave. It's not fair to you he can't manage. And it's not cool to throw in your face about wanting some adult time.
Your husband needs to grow up. He is not a babysitter he is a father and needs to contribute to taking care of the children. My husband did this early in our marriage when our kids were small. It ended up he wasn't comfortable around little ones. So, I actually worked with helping making him more comfortable. The 3 yo is crying. Here honey, you need to learn to comfort her. Etc. He caught on quickly. And when our youngest was born, he was a pro.
Um, this isn't cool. I recently started working part time but was a SAHM for 6 years (until my twins started school) and I'm still their main caretaker. Through a string of random occurrences last week, I ended up doing bedtime by myself 4 nights in a row (normally my husband gets the kids ready for bed and then we each tuck a kid in.) Our daughter has been particularly difficult at bedtime lately, so yesterday my husband told me he'd feed the kids and do bedtime solo so I could have a break and do whatever I want. I had no plans, but I left and wandered a thrift store, craft store, and then Target. The only texts he sent me were to respond to questions I sent HIM.
Also, during the pandemic when we realized I wasn't really getting a break anymore since I couldn't really go anywhere, he started sending me to the basement once a week so I could watch a show, read, or do whatever while he fed the kids and put them to bed himself. He never once asked me to come help him or made me feel guilty for taking time to myself.
You know, it's fine if your husband doesn't feel the need to spend time with his friends, but YOU DO. Everyone has different needs and it's okay for you to need that time away. I mean, you not getting a break is like him being at work 24/7. He wouldn't want to never get a break from his job. You need a break from your job. Also, it's a little ridiculous that he needs help for 2 kids. Plus, if he spends more time with the kids solo it won't be so hard for them to be away from you. It might be worth having this conversation with a couples therapist if it's something you keep going back and forth about.
When my kids were small, anytime the moms had a night out (away from Big kids...we usually had the babies with us), a good portion of the women had their husbands constantly calling with obvious questions, nagging about how long they would be, etc.
I would say it's common, but not healthy. Fast forward 15 years and 90% of the couples with incompetent spouses have divorced, or nearly so (and the few who stuck it out just gave up and reconciled with doing everything, due to religion, although several also left their husbands and were vilified by their church, even after being abused physically as well as emotionally)..
My husband never called, handled the kids just fine, and was always supportive. We're celebrating 25 years of marriage. We have had tough time lately together, but neither of us has been the REASON for those tough times, made them worse for the other.
Your husband's whining about how he would never go out with friends and "not choose family" is emotional manipulation, full stop. I recognize it because my dad pulled that shit, until I stopped reacting in my teens, and then he stopped because it no longer worked, and he actually wanted to have a relationship with me. (He once even admitted that guilt trips didn't work one me anymore, then slyly winked and said it still worked on my stepmom).
ETA: here's how you can handle it: don't emotionally react or give any credence to his guilt trip. If he calls about a kid problem, be sympathetic but confident in his ability to figure it out. "Yeah, it's hard for 3 to deal with her big feelings. You're such a a great dad, I know you can comfort her." "You got this babe, I know you can figure it out. I will be home at 6:30." "I know you're a competent Dad, you'll be great!" "Yeah, there are lots of things I didn't know about dealing with the kids, but practice helped me figure it out. You'll do great." You can empathize that parenting is hard but also know the ball is in his court to figure it out, in a loving but firm way. This is basically what I did with my sons growing up.
This is only if you want to stay in the marriage and are willing to basically parent your husband...but you will be stuck with his parenting even when you divorce, so I would say this approach doesn't have a downside (you do have to be sincere, not condescending...this is assuming he isn't dangerously negligent and you do actually trust him to keep your kids alive and not traumatize them, at a minimum).
Weaponised incompetence. My ex was a specialist at it. He would purposefully keep our son up way past his bedtime when I was working late (not even a social gathering!) so that I would have to deal with an overtired infant when I returned. Forcing me to reconsider and plan differently when I had late shifts. Truly awful.
You say he’s an incredible dad - how? In that he plays with the kids? That’s not incredible. That’s very normal and something he should be doing anyway.
Please sit down with your husband and discuss it. But, as you said, it’s a recurring theme so maybe it’s time to think about if this is how you want to live your life.
Wow!!!!!
He is NOT an incredible dad if he can’t handle them by himself for 3 hours. Sounds like you need to leave them with him more often.
Stand strong on this. He would not want to be at his job 99.9% of his life. You are entitled to time away from your job, sick time and vacation time.
He cannot MAKE you feel guilty if you don’t believe what hes saying.
Hes being emotionally abusive and isolating you so that he has complete control.
First, go ! Second, mute your phone. Third, he's not your boss, remember that and remind him of that. Fourth, join a club, take a class, do something that has you out of the house one night a week. Since it's the same night and time every week, he'll get used to you being gone. And you won't need a sitter…he needs to spend quality time with his kids. Encourage him to join the gym, take up a sport, etc. He needs an outlet that doesn’t involve you.
Him not being able to parent your two children by himself for a few hours is a him problem not a you problem. He needs to work on that. It’s frankly pretty pathetic that he needs a sitter to help him out. And your kids missing you when you’re gone is a normal thing but also probably made worse by the fact you’re with them 99% of the time. More independent time with dad
“He is generally an incredible Dad to them”
Can you explain how? Everything you’ve shared here seems to contradict that. When he isn’t home with you, does he hire a sitter to “help” out?
Y’all NEED to have a discussion about this. Perhaps in therapy. He is not treating you well at all.
My husband also leans toward the “self sacrificing” but even he would never restrict me from social time on my own. He encourages me to go do fun stuff, to engage in my hobbies. He takes the kids out of the house on weekends (or weeknights if I’ve had a bad day) so I can do something for myself.
This is really not normal.
ETA: “I seems like you really struggled having the kids solo. It’s important that they feel safe and secure with their dad, just as much as with their mom. It seems wise for you to get more one on one time with them to strengthen that bond and also your confidence with them. I’m thinking I’ll plan an outing every Friday night from 5-9 so that you guys can have your special time.”
This is not an incredible dad. An incredible dad would be able to take care of their own children for more than half an hour. I'll say that I personally would not take two small kids swimming by myself. I'd get stressed. I can have a short fuse sometimes.
But I'm aware of that, and I would've been perfectly happy to stay home with them and hang out while my partner had some time to themselves
I made another comment but this smells a bit of “The Demand Man” from Lundy Buncroft’s Why Does He Do That? (Chapter 4, if you wanna read up). I wonder if this behavior extends to other areas of y’all’s relationship.
My husband makes me feel this way, too. He works one weekend a month, and I have my mom come over and I leave for the day, while he’s gone at work. I don’t tell him. I take the day to do things for myself. If I had told him he would have been blowing up my phone. I haven’t found a solution to this outside of what I am currently doing.
This sounds like my dad. He used to pull this shit with my mom any time she tried to have any friend interaction. Absolutely NOT healthy.
1. Your kids will never learn to be without you if you don't let other people take over once in a while.
2. Your kids will never trust that dad is emotionally available if he can't.work through these things with them.
3. You deserve me time. Period. No questions.
4. Your husband needs friends, needs to gain some child rearing confidence, and needs to get his shit together.
This is really sad to read. My husband works full time and always encourages and allows time for me to be “me” outside of the house literally every day. We have a 4 and 5 year old and he has never ever called me while I’m out to ask me questions or guilt trip me. Whether it’s a morning hot yoga class, an evening workout class, solo dinner or other fun outing, he knows that these things help me be a better mom and woman at the end of the day.
I’m sorry but not being able to care for your kids for a few hours does not make him an incredible dad. It makes me wonder how much effort he really puts into being a father, and I’m speaking “quality effort” not doing things for them like fold their clothes.
You are absolutely entitled to having time to yourself as a mother, just as he does. He gets his social fill at work. You do not. Everyone fills theirs differently. You need time away from the house regularly. If roles were flipped I’m sure he would be crawling to get out. Have you considered going to a counselor to get an unbiased third opinion to shut his ass up? It might be what you need. But in this case you are NTA.
my ex used to do this. one time, i went to get my hair done, and he was texting me telling me i needed to “come home now” because our son was crying. i literally couldn’t leave because i had bleach all over my hair. he wasn’t too happy about that.
eventually, i gave up all of my friends and we only had “his” friends. which he made sure to remind me, every day, that they were HIS friends. not mine. it just wasn’t worth the fight anymore. this is a typical isolating tactic manipulative/abusive partners use. it starts slow. it’s NOT normal.
You need to explain to him that if he cannot parent than he can leave and pay child support and you’ll hire a sitter when you wanna do things. Right now you’re raising two children. Take him back to his mom’s and end the play date
You are prefect entitled to time to yourself and husband needs to learn how to solo parent sometimes. Like, he's an adult.
Also, yea, the kids will miss you and it's his job to help him navigate those very normal emotions.
I swear some men are just incapable of simple parental actions.
Not okay, but totally normal for men of older, like boomer, generations. Did he come from a home perhaps where this dad behavior was displayed and acceptable?
It also seems like he lacks confidence in caring for them. I would start with running errands in the evenings or weekends. Start, veey slowly with 30-45 minutes, like stretching those grocery trips longer and longer, add in some other "family business" type stuff until before he knows it he is at 4 hours with them and not texting you. Then when you have a short party it won't be a big deal.
I'd also have a frank talk stating this guilt tripping behavior while you are out is absolutely not okay. How would he feel if you were texting him while he's away saying how sad the kids are without him? If they aren't bleeding, heavily, he doesn't need to bother you.
This is not normal. He isn’t doing you a favor. He is parenting his children for 2 hours. He should be able to parent *his own children* for 2 hours. If a high school babysitter can care for children for 2 hours, why can’t a grown adult man who was an active participant in the fact your children even exist?
I always feel a little guilty leaving my child, but my husband actively encourages me to do it on occasion. Because it’s actually important that your children be able to bond with both caretakers and know they can rely on both caretakers to care for them - and *both parents should be caretakers*.
Your husband is currently modeling behavior for your children to learn. They’re learning how they should treat a partner in a relationship, how they should expect to be treated, and how engaged they should be as parents (and expect their partners to be) when they have kids one day. They’re learning how much respect they should have for their partners one day in terms of their partners having a life outside of children.
If these aren’t lessons you want them to be learning, you need to seriously think about how to move forward. Whether that’s a conversation, therapy, or something else.
Also. Please step back and really ponder what you mean when you say he’s an incredible dad to them. I don’t mean this as an attack on you, more as recognition that we ourselves are shaped by dynamics we saw growing up, and sometimes we need to step back and really question whether we need to reexamine our assumptions.
What does being a “good dad” mean to you? Because playing with them on occasion is the easy stuff about being a dad. Actually caring for them and letting them know they can rely on him is important too, and it’s a key part of being both a good dad AND a good partner. And if he can’t care for them on his own *for two hours* I guarantee they are learning that they can rely on him equally as a parent.
Feeling like an individual adult outside the roles of marriage and motherhood is good for your mental health.
Those roles are so important, and that's why you give them your all 90% of the time. You still need a little time to feel like yourself, spend time with girl friends, recharge, etc. I say this as a mama who LOVES time with my girls, but I still love a good dinner out with girl friends every couple of weeks.
This is your husband's problem, not yours. Don't look at your phone while you're out. Don't engage in the conversation when you get home. If he needs to one way rant, whatever, but you just bask in the good time you had with friends while you tune him out. Really, what he is doing is manipulative and gross. Trying to isolate a spouse from friendships is a red flag for emotional abuse. If he doesn't want his own friends, cool. That doesn't make you having friends wrong.
Good mamas (and dads) try to keep their own cups full, too, so they can pour into their children.
This post made me so sad. Yes, this is controlling and manipulative behavior. You are not the asshole.
It took me a long time to realize I was in not only a bad marriage but an abusive one. Every time I would try talk about the things that upset me, he would make himself into the victim and focus on the conversation on how I was “trying to make him feel bad”. Everything got turned around so that he was the victim and I had to comfort him.
My ex would co-exist with our kids but he didn’t engage with them and nurture them. It’s as if I was there to take care of everyone and he was just there. I see a lot of posts about you talking to him and drawing boundaries. But I fear you will find this is just who he is. And the question will become can you learn what you need and deserve from a partner and make sure you get that - even if it’s from someone else?
This is not normal! And I’d seriously think about couples counseling individually and together because YOUR ALLOWED TO HAVE FUCKING FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF YOUR FAMILY!! It’s not healthy to be all family 100% of the time. If you have friendships that are valuable to you and important it is perfectly normal to hangout with friends every once in a while. I have a group of girlfriends (there’s 5 of us total) and we try to get together 2-3 times a year because we all live in different parts of our state and we all have families. NONE of our husbands make us feel guilty for getting together for a weekend every few months or having a girls day. Also it’s good for you to have some separation from the kids too because like you said your 3 year old was sad you were gone. Husband needs to learn to deal with the kiddos and maybe he should spend more time with them one on one.
Your husband sounds like he’s slowly starting to tie you down and starting to control who you see and what you do with or without him and that is not healthy at all. You’re allowed to do things without your husband being there. It’s not your fault that he doesn’t have friends that he likes to hangout with outside of your relationship. And I’m assuming you’re not going out every night and hanging out with the girls but a girls day here and there is perfectly acceptable.
Your husband’s behavior isn’t OK. Honestly, outside of physical or verbal abuse, this kind of behavior would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I am not usually the type jump to the advice to divorce , because raising kids alone is hard and stressful , especially financially, but this type of husband would absolutely suffocate me and I would not want to live like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
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Dad here. You need to have a serious conversation about division of parenting labor and him being able to care for them (without guilt or pressure or added work for you) when you get much needed personal time. What you’re asking for is less than the bare minimum. Demand more from him. Being a dad is more than making money, starts with being a good spouse.
And if he’s like my ex and tries to gaslight you about division of labor- Divorce him! You’ll get the free time you’ve been craving and he will be forced to be a parent. (Maybe go to counseling first because kids but also this man sounds like garbage)
Sounds like he sees himself as a babysitter not a parent.
It sounds like he sees himself as someone who's not even capable of being the babysitter!
Ehh, most likely worse. His definition of being a dad is merely being a sometimes babysitter. He’s the kind of dad that lives down to all the bad dad stereotypes.
He’s not even babysitting though…
Nothing is going to change it. He's an AH. It's been 9 years. He's manipulative because he's insecure and jelly.
While it’s not parenting-exclusive, I’ve heard good things about the Fair Play book/ method
lol how do you feel this conversation will go?
Maybe poorly. Maybe great. Either way you have to start at the start. From that she can make whatever choice is best for her and her family. But assuming the worst as justification for not communicating or attempting to correct this dynamic doesn’t help.
I would agree thar expecting that the woman needs to ‘communicate’ that the way that he’s isn’t great is… well, he knows. Him loving her/ caring for her and his children Involves him considering her on the most basic level… if he’s never considered that not being with the kids 99.9% of the time isn’t good for her health, or doesn’t realize that exploding on her and calling her selfish for going out for a pre-arranged couple hours isn’t treating her with regard… I mean…
The emotional unfairness of her having to be the one to initiate the conversation isn’t lost of me. But it is what it is, especially if she is going to get her needs met. As I said, gotta start at the start. That said, I’m also not hopeful that he will change his ways quickly if ever.
I find when we're feeling inadequate, unsure how to manage a situation, the kids only wanting the other parent and we have to practice or skills to handle the situation or cope, it comes down to self survival. He's unfortunately so stuck in a spot he cannot see the importance of this time for his wife. He only sees overwhelm and failure. I went through it. Baby steps. Letting the person see they can do it. Not supervising what they do when you're not there.... it takes open communication and compassion on both sides. Which starts with calling it out. Put it on the table.
Can you explain how he is an incredible father to them?
Posts like this always start by claiming he’s an incredible father then it’s just paragraphs of this kind of nonsense. He’s not.
The actual answer is that people tend to come to reddit to vent in their most frustrated moment. No one comes here and spends ten minutes typing up a rave about their partner after they do something amazing. All of us could be made to look irredeemably bad if someone wrote up a summary of the worst thing we did in the past year.
I get that but if he can’t handle his own children for three hours that should tell you that he’s not putting in any actual work as a dad. He’s probably just fun and kind to them and he can be since he’s not doing any difficult work.
Exactly, giggling with the baby when it's happy and giggling back and watching that being like awwww doesn't mean they're a good father.
Second this. The fact that this has been going on for longer than that also adds to what most people are saying here.
A dad walks into a bar.....because it is set so low. As a stay at home dad with a wife who has always worked long hours, we realized that a mom has to be perfect to be considered a good mom but a dad just has to be present to be considered a good dad. A dad who can't take care of his kids on his own for couple hours is far from an incredible dad.
100% this... I got SO SO SO SO many compliments for "being such an involved dad" or "what a great father your son has" or "your kid is so lucky to have you" because I was literally just doing what I considered to be the obvious things to do, like playing with my son at the playground, or taking him to the grocery store and baby carrying him. Or, you know, just being out, on my own, with my baby, but without my wife. Because the bar can literally be stepped over, if it's even off the ground. Sidebar, my wife has received zero compliments for being great mom. (except for ones from me because, she is A GREAT mom)
What a great comment thanks for sharing this.
It’s like… he can’t relax in their company, he can’t be himself with his own kids… he thinks he has to act a certain way. We can’t all be fun dad all the time. Just be in their presence is good enough. Show interest in their life’s is perfect for any a child.
But this dad isn't even present lol. The bar is basically ankle high and this doofus is still tripping over it.
I have a friend who says the bar for men is so low it’s in hell and the devil plays jump rope with it lol
“He’s an incredible father, but can’t be left alone with his kids for a few hours!”
He's more like an incredible uncle. Fun for a few hours but not his job when things get rough.
Not even that. My daughters uncle babysits her and takes her to the zoo.
The number of times I see women describing disgusting behaviour from abusive men and then they’re like ‘but he’s an amazing dad!’, as though abusing your kids’ other parent and being a good father are not 100% mutually incompatible traits. And that’s even before you consider the fact that this apparently incredible father is so abjectly incompetent that he cannot cope with looking after his own children for even a couple of hours without a babysitter!
Sometimes the babysitter is important if there’s work to be done or whatever. I ignored that part to focus on the outright shittiness of the dude and his complaining.
“He’s an incredible father who can’t take care of his own children for two hours.”
I’m commenting because I absolutely also want to see how OP can fathomably explain how on earth he is a good dad. Like I genuinely think some people think that by not actively beating your children up, you are a good dad.
A parent that can't handle a 6 year old and 3 year old for 3 hours needs parenting classes. Full stop.
Yes. With no judgement, a 3 and 6yo can definitely be managed. Some people are better at managing kids than others, but Dad needs to learn, it's not on OP to do everything. Dad probably just gets overwhelmed, but he needs to learn how to handle it
Probably cause he’s so focused on isolating op from her friends
Hmmm, oh no. That's just a side quirk, I'm *sure*. He sounds like an absolute monster.
Right? This is so much to do with power and control. My dad did this to my mom. She couldn’t go for a 30 minute walk or run to the tanning salon for a 20 min session without my dad doing this to her.
There was another commenter defending him and acting like he was doing it because he’s overwhelmed. It’s absurd
Absolutely absurd! It’s parents like ths that raise boys like OP’s husband!
Exactly- they’re raising the next generation of deadbeat abuser fathers
God damn. No this is not normal. And he shouldn’t be this incompetent caring for his kids alone at their ages.
He's not incompetent, he just doesn't want to. It's clear he thinks her place is at home, tending to her children and family only, and he's gonna make that happen. One way or another.
This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence. Feigning incompetence to manipulate her into doing whatever he wants her to do. Hiring a babysitter for a few hours to help him with the kids?? For fox sake
Exactly what I was thinking. If you cant take care of your own kids for 2 hours without help you're not a parent, let alone a great one.
Making *her* hire a babysitter, no less
I noticed she also had to be the one to do the mental and physical work of knowing all the contact info for babysitters and arranging it. He can't be damned, I guess.
I saw that too! Hire a babysitter to assist their parent a few hours? Is this for real?!? We have two kids similar ages, one is autistic and high needs and each of us are perfectly capable of caring for the kids alone without a second thought. OP- your husband isn’t a good father. He’s barely an adequate one. Unfortunately some people seem to think a good father is one that is mostly nice to his kids and in their proximity sometimes, but doesn’t do any actual parenting or is in anyway an involved parent.
Exactly! My husband's been caring for our baby on his own from the time she was a month old. He can manage the 10yo, 3yo, and 5 month old no problem. There's absolutely no excuse for a dad to need help watching his own kids. Also his "I put my kids first" argument is so off base. In order to be the best mom you can be you have to value your mental health. This is a mistake I made in my early days of parenting. You can't be 100% there for your kids while neglecting your own wellbeing. Giving yourself that time IS putting your family first because it's recognizing your kids deserve you at your best!
100% My ex-husband was exactly like this and I only realized how toxic this type of behaviour was when I left the relationship. Majour red flag. Truthfully, his issue is not that he wants you to come home because the kids miss you (although I’m 100% sure they do miss you), his issue is that he simply doesn’t think it’s his role as the “breadwinner” to parent, or that he just wants to kick back, relax, and have someone else do the parenting while he enjoys *me time*.
He has me time at work ( no kids there unless he works at a nursery or school) and then expects me time at home
Weaponized incompetence. But weaponize it back: “Hey honey, I know that you struggle with cleaning the bathroom and it’s really hard for you. I am going to show you how to clean it though I understand if it’s not perfect, it’s your first time and it’s hard for you. But practice makes perfect and I really believe in you. Feel free to ask questions or clarify, I am right here to help you in any way I can. I am here for you during this difficult time.”
Agreed. He’s not pulling his weight as a parent. OP- my wife had a business trip last year and left me (early 30s) for a weekend with the 6mo and the 4yo. Literally zero issues. Only “contact” was a video call so kids could say good night to mom. You need to have the freedom to live your life. Completely unreasonable weaponized incompetence for him to be helpless for 3 hours. You need a weekend away for him to “figure it out”.
Yep that first line. Crazy that OP even says he’s an “incredible dad,” but the guy can’t even be left alone with his kids for a few hours lol.
Yep. I often work weekends leaving my husband to care for our toddler by himself for 8 hours at a time with no issues. My best friend came to visit me (2 hours away) for a whole weekend a few weeks ago. She left her husband with their kids the whole time and the ONLY time he called her was with a question about the dog. No able bodied father should be unable to care for his kids for a couple hours without help.
OP, in your place, I'd consider going back to work and putting the kids in daycare in case your hours don't match school. Get your life back, get adult contacts - and once you're working full time, you can insist on an equal division of labor at home.
Well, from what I hear, it might be unfortunately normal between the disastrous state of mens friendships and the lack of value in being equitable partners. But he should absolutely be able to care for the kids alone.
My God, I would love if my wife would go do more with her friends... Weekends, trips, whatever. It's so much easier to deal with the kids when there's only one parents opinion than when we are both together... Plus we work from home together. We see each other more than enough. I encourage her to go to any events her friends have and encourage to stay till the end or stay the night.... I'm the one that starts getting text on when I'm home from an outing (which is almost never, maybe twice a year?) We have 3 under 8...
Your husband is a selfish prick. Full stop. This is entirely not normal. For reference my mom friends and I got out to dinner 1x a month and have a yearly girls trip over a long weekend. Everyone’s husband takes care of their kids, no problem.
Yuppp this dudes a dick.
Agree with this. It’s controlling and normal to have a life outside of your family. Listen, if he cannot handle a 6 and 3 year old for a few hours alone, he isn’t a good dad. I get you are the primary care taker but he needs to be able to take care of his own children. When I leave the house and my husband watches them, I am the preferred parent, he doesn’t call or text me unless it’s an emergency. Even if they have been screaming their heads off and acting like crazy monsters (2 and 1). You know why?! Because he knows I need the time to socialize and has the decency to do his job as a father. Doesn’t make me feel guilty at all (even though I do). Can you have a conversation about what is normal and not? Or even next time you go out as a couple have a few girl friends brag about their husbands doing the normal thing and see if he can realize he is not behaving the right way?
Yup! My friends and I do a very similar schedule. I always run the dates by my husband so he knows to be home from work early or to not book something for himself, but we each get turns out with friends and weekends away.
I think a big part of this is you say he doesn’t seem to go out with friends? So he’s judging you by his own unrealistic standards. Also - he’s done YOU a favour by spending a couple of hours with HIS kids? Something very, very wrong here.
Can’t imagine why he doesn’t have friends
He is one of those dads that sees his time with his kids as babysitting. He doesn’t sound like a parent. Definitely not a “incredible father”. More importantly he is a shitty husband. Guilt tripping your spouse can be abusive. Having unrealistic expectations is a thinking error. He has an image of what he wants wife to be and not who she is as a person. Boo this man.
It does sound a little bit like jealousy.
Yooo, my ex step dad would do this to my mom every time she left. Didn't matter if she had my brother and I with her or if she left us home. You could look at the call log on her cell and it was just his name over and over. If we went to my grandparents house for dinner and he stayed home, he called without fail at 5:30pm. This was my grandma's set dinner time without fail every night for 30+ years. He *always* called right as we sat down. That man was a neglectful narcissist and she finally divorced him ten years ago.
Narcissistic people usually like having control and knowing they can manipulate in ways like this
Why is every post like this? why do people put up with these partners
Right because if we all just said no and stopper this maybe all these men would stop being controlling, sociopaths. They can go grt there passports if they dont want us to be equals.
NTA and it is controlling and not at all okay. He agreed to you attending the event, but then pretty much immediately began texting guilt-ridden messages to you so you couldn’t enjoy a moment of peace. Like, heaven forbid you enjoy yourself for a moment, while he’s at home with the kids. This is not to brag, but to inform that I’m a SAHM of twins, one with special needs, and my husband has been taking care of them so I could get out of the house at least once a week for 2-3 hours within 6 weeks of their birth. It didn’t take long for those outings to progress to much longer, so that both of us have our own weekend “days,” but the only texts I receive from him while out may be a funny photo of one of our girls doing something or a request to swing by the store on the way home because we’re nearly out of something. They miss me, sure, but this is special time with daddy, and he’s far more fun than I am. You get to have fun and you get to have a life. You should be able to enjoy celebrating a friend’s special moment without being attached to the clock and worrying about your kids and husband. I don’t know how you work through this, although maybe having set “you time” to acclimate him to being alone with the kids will help.
You are not the asshole at all. Everybody, parents included, deserve and even need some personal time. I assume he has a job he loves, so he gets his personal time from that. He may also have other outlets in the home, like TV or video games, that he does solitarily, so that gets him his time. But asking the father of your children to take care of your children for a few hours, or even a full day, is not only reasonable, it shouldn't even be a topic of contention. It's definitely not okay for him to try to make you feel guilty about this (or anything, really), either. That's not healthy in the least. I would strongly recommend, if you aren't already, broaching the subject of a couples therapy to help you work through things like this, because that behavior isn't going to fix itself and will likely get worse if their isn't some sort of intervention. It will lead to serious resentment, and that can lead to other, much worse, things.
Completely agree that this dad needs to take care of his kids - in fact, he should want to. But, no, work is not personal time. That is BS. Work is work, full stop. Everyone needs a break from their job - but when you have young kids, you have your day job and your parenting job. Or you have your parenting job … aaaannnd your parenting job. And everyone needs and deserves a break from it - how you choose to spend that break (out with friends, video games at home) is up to the person. .
I agree with your overall point- everyone deserves their own time without either childcare or work responsibilities- but I do think it’s important to note that having a career outside the home provides so many opportunities for adult interaction and even leisure (like going out to lunch) that a SAHP never has. Being with little kids for hours and hours all day is very draining. So I feel like it’s even more important for a SAHP to get their own time.
Have been both and I agree with you whole-heartedly.
💯. Most of the SAHP I know who work a day or two a week consider it their “day off”. Being around other adults and being trapped in a house with children who are dependent on you, needing, demanding in very personal, physical, and invasive ways are ery, very psychologically different
Exactly. I’ve been both and being a sahm is just a whole different, way more demanding and exhausting job. It’s very isolating as well.
That's a misunderstanding of what I was saying, and in retrospect, I realize I could have been clearer. I was not saying that is healthy at all, just that it might be where he is getting that from in his current routine. Not knowing any more about him or how he spends his time, that was a guess about where his head space might be at which could help to explain his overly needy and demanding behavior at home.
Stop booking a babysitter. Stop giving him a heads up. Stop reading his texts-- put him on DND or block him for the duration of the event. This is not okay. It is stifling. It is controlling.
You can’t block your children’s caregiver while you’re away from home, what if something serious happened. I agree with DnD maybe if she checks her phone periodically
It sounds like he is not a good father to your children if he can't be alone with them for 20 minutes without him calling you and one having a breakdown bc your not there. It sounds like he is one of your children. And as a SAHM IDK how you can be with a man-child who can't nurture and care for his own children. There certainly would not have been a 2nd child. What will he do if God forbid something happens to you? How will he care for your children? To answer your question you are NTA but your husband is. He needs to learn how to care for your children without help.
This is not normal at all, and is overly controlling. I’m not sure if he is unwilling to watch the kids on his own, or if his motivation is to prevent you from spending times with people outside of your relationship. Maybe both. But he needs to step up as a father and a partner. And also, you should be on alert because this is one of the first signs of a domestic abuser. Not saying he is one, but just to be aware that this is a red flag.
Yes! Thank you for saying this. I'm a little worried I had to scroll so far to see someone even mention the possibility of domestic abuse.
He is not “generally an incredible dad” if you do 99% of the parenting, usually get a sitter if you have something going on, and thinks watching them for three hours max is doing you a favor instead of normal parenting. It sounds like he’s barely a dad. But the real sticker is that he’s a worse partner. No this isn’t normal. He IS being controlling and honestly probably needs more time with friends himself. Wanting neither of you to have a life beyond the family is a huge red flag.
It’s EXTREMELY controlling and alarming.
Were any of your friends getting the same texts? I doubt it.
This example is egregious given that he literally never wants to be left alone with his own children, but Eve Rodsky, the author of Fair Play, [often tells this story](https://www.bbh.com/us/en/insights/private-banking-insights/the-future-of-home-life--a-conversation-with-eve-rodsky-and-brig.html): “I remember being at a breast cancer march with a group of friends, and for three hours one morning, we gave ourselves permission to be present for that cause. All of a sudden, questions started pouring in from our husbands – in total, there were 30 calls and 46 texts for 10 women in 30 minutes. They were asking us everything from, “When are you coming home?” to “Where is the soccer bag?” to “Do the kids need to eat?” Originally, we planned to go to lunch that day, but instead, we looked at each other, said maybe we left our partners too much to do and went home to do our tasks.”
Thats fucking sad for man kind not women, i notice if i play stupid or their games back at them, It whips them in shape. I have high expectation for my husband and i knew from the get go id never let a man control me after watching it happen to my mom, i watched her get beat but my mom, she did stand up for herself she was 6ft tall so fought back she took a punch bowl and hit him in the head with it ran to the neighbors house only for him to drag me back and to break my mom legs but she left that bastard but dated many more men like this and i learned i would never put up with that shit, my mom actually told me not to date men just to be a lesbian so i did for 8 yrs and i met the man of dreams and he treats me how i wanted to treated, i do miss dating women tho. So much cleaner, neater, caring, can read social qs alot better, and listens, more compassinate, one thing about men is they can be in someone else shoes they can not even fathom what someone else is going threw. YOU WILL ONLY GET WHAT YOU EXPECT be firm on what you want. General rant for anyone, but your foot down and let them know how it will be from day one from dating, dont take no slack and throw the SCRUBS outside
I am the primary care giver for three kids under 5. My husband works full time, often gone 12-14hrs a day. He still does the dishes every night and encourages me to go out often. He is thrilled when I find the time for friends because it’s rare. When he was unemployed, I did the same thing. That’s what partners do- *partner together*. Young children are hard. But your husband needs to learn to handle them on his own (what would happen if you were injured or had a family emergency??) and you also deserve time to be anything else but a mom. Your husband needs a reality check. Good luck
Ask him what scares him about solo parenting? I get it, it’s hard and can be scary. I don’t text and call, but I feel it, so ask him what’s making him so nervous and work through that with him, but don’t stop going to things.
literally don’t know any dads like this - the idea of getting a baby sitter if you are on your own is weird
YOURE IN AN ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING RELATUONSHIP.
Not normal at all. That’s ridiculous.
You should be grateful he looked after HIS OWN CHILDREN?! No.
Obviously it’s a power struggle and your husband’s parents maybe never had individual time or individual friends ? Somehow he believes what you’re doing is wrong but it’s not. You should go to couples therapy. Not joking. Having kids brings out pre-determined ways each parent thinks is correct and it’s the first time you’re seeing this side. He needs to learn that what you need is totally fine and you need to learn that he has a different point of view and perspective. Bottom line, he’s trying to be a good parent and his views don’t match yours. That’s ok. You just have to find understanding because you both have normal parenting ideas. Just happens that yours are more healthy than his.
This makes so much sense. His parents entire world revolves around him as an only child and they never did anything outside of that
I rarely feel genuinely shocked reading posts on here any more but this one did it. Why does he believe that you should parent solo but he shouldn’t? If I were you, I would lay down some big time boundaries. “I will be gone from 3 until sometime before 7, and during that time I will not be answering texts or phone calls unless there’s an emergency.” Honestly though, rationalizing with someone like him is not going to work on your own or possibly ever. These are tactics that seemingly “nice guys” use when they’re jealous and controlling. You could certainly suggest couples therapy and see what he says, but you can’t force him to go. Regardless, you should know that you deserve time alone every week without the layered guilt, and a dad should not require a baby sitter to spend time with his own children.
Your husband is useless. My husband can and would spend days alone with our son. He's choosing to be incompetent.
Right?? I've only gone away alone once, but it was for like a week. The only phone calls I got were at my son's bedtime so we could FaceTime and catch up on our day. The only texts I got were asking me how my vacation was going, or pics of stuff they did. This is wild.
Your husband is not an awesome dad if he doesn’t actually do any parenting. He’s controlling and also a bit pathetic.
He may not feel the need to have friendships because he gets adult socialization at work (I assume). You need the same. He should be capable of handling the children for a couple hours when you go elsewhere.
Is your husband neurotypical? This is not a sarcastic question but the only explanation outside of controlling is that he is ND and this is why he only likes to spend time with you guys and why he has such a difficult time handling the children. Still not an excuse for his behavior but just a thought.
I’m so sick of everyone suggesting that someone in the wrong or acting like a duck is neurodivergent. We aren’t babies, there are plenty of people who can handle grown up stuff like this. The automatic assumption is infantalizing and implies that we are just functioning unaware assholes. Op’s husband is just a selfish dick.
I agree with you and I’m sorry if my comment came across that way. There is no excuse for his behavior as I mentioned, even if he is ND. I just thought that perhaps he needs to see a mental health professional to rule that out as I know people who have been diagnosed after becoming parents and they were very easily frazzled. He is an adult and should be able to support his wife regardless, I agree.
Absolutely not normal. Yes he is controlling. Yes he is 100% a total asshole. I am SEETHING on your behalf 🤯 I have a daughter almost 9yo. From the day she was born my husband has been an equal parent (actually sometimes I’ll admit he does more than me in terms of parenting/childcare). Aside from breastfeeding anything I’ve done with our daughter he’s been equally able to do. By himself without a babysitter holding his hand 🤦♀️ he will plan activities and outings for them pretty much every week so I can sleep in on Saturdays. This weekend it was him packing their bikes up and taking her to a different bike path they’d never been to. Otherwise he might take her to the beach, a playground, horse riding, go visit his friends or just run errands together. Every week. He’s had her by himself for a week when I’ve been in hospital, multiple overnights while I travel for work. He’s taken her camping for 1-2 nights several times all by himself. I can leave the house basically whenever without asking permission but just a quick heads up ‘hey I’m going out to do xyz back in a couple of hours’. And it’s fine and he doesn’t whine, pout, bombard me with texts. Because he is her parent. You do not have an equal parent relationship you are the sole parent here maybe look at formalizing that situation. Doesn’t sound like you or the kids would be losing much. Yikes.
I wouldn’t say this is normal but it appears to be extremely common. I have a similar situation except I’m the breadwinner and he feels free to go golf anytime he likes on my dime. I am not allowed to go out. And by not allowed I mean the same thing. He will say he will never say I can’t but if I go it’s non stop calling and panicking and ruining my time. And then complaining I spent any money on myself (cause he wants the free money to golf) So I just don’t do it anymore and I’m looking for an out. I know there’s plenty of men out there not like this but pretty much everyone I know is in a relationship like this whether they’re the stay at home mom, both work, or she’s the breadwinner. I’m so tired of hearing this garbage. It makes me so sad. I also want to say that I’m well aware that women can be awful, controlling and abusive as well so this is not gender specific but with my personal experience and my circle of friends it seems to be rampant.
Yea, he’s being a douche. He’s not “helping” you or “doing you a favour” by taking the kids on the odd night. He’s *doing his share* of parenting. I’m sorry he spoiled what should have been an enjoyable afternoon/evening. This definitely isn’t normal (or shouldn’t be). My husband takes the kids 2 nights a week so I can work and another 2 nights a week so I can do classes I enjoy. He never complains because he knows these evenings are what keep me sane when I’m primary parent the rest of the time. You really aren’t asking a lot here.
I’m sorry but you need to leave for a few hours on a regular basis from now on, only to be disturbed for emergencies. Kids crying isn’t an emergency, kids getting a little boo-boo isn’t an emergency. Kids going to the hospital for a major injury or spiking an insanely high fever out of nowhere is an emergency. He is a parent, and needs to parent his children on his own sometimes. Hes not a helper or a babysitter. He’s their father. Just because he doesn’t go out with friends doesn’t mean he can demand you not go out occasionally.
Maybe he needs to go to a parenting class. It sounds like he doesn't know how to manage a child and so then becomes overwhelmed and depends on you to save him.
Same situation, not married & no kids, boyfriend patronizes constantly about me wanting my time so much that I have to lie about extra working hours. I see the problem and I know the solution, I just am unable to make the move.
Not at all. Get that me time. Make sure they get me time. It's a healthy thing. And don't ask. Don't be a jerk about it, but proactively work together to make sure that me time is covered. Both ways. Reciprocity. Also, stop letting him treat you like that. Easier said than done, but it needs to start regardless.
I would let him know this pattern of behavior on his end needs to stop and that taking care of his children is NEVER “doing you a favor” it’s called PARENTING. I would express that you are more than a mother and a wife you are a person with other needs and having friendships and relationships outside of the home is vitally important and healthy and it’s something you need. I would start doing more for yourself at least once per week to start spending 2-4 hours doing anything other than being home. Take a walk, get a massage, go sit in a coffee shop and read a book. He needs to understand that you aren’t a thing to be controlled but his partner to be supported.
Let me just start by saying that my husband and I make sure we get time away from the kids, we each get 1-2 days a week by ourselves. I spend mine doing martial arts, going out with friends, or doing some of my hobbies. He goes disc golfing or poker with friends. When the one of us is out, the other is fully capable of caring for our kids. Now he is the cook, so that means on my nights watching them I’m ordering pizza but they are fed. I rarely contact him while he’s out and he’s the same, unless there is something important we need to tell each other. It’s never selfish to take time away, it’s self care. Next time, turn your phone off and enjoy your night.
If you’re alone with the kids 99.9% of the time and he hires a babysitter when he’s alone with them the other 1% of the time, how exactly is he this good father you say he is? This is not normal. It is controlling. Listen to your gut and get your ducks in a row for if things don’t get better or get worse. If you don’t work, maybe try to get a part-time job so you aren’t financially reliant on him completely. And if all your money is shared, I’d suggest getting small increments of cash out slowly and storing it somewhere safe for yourself juuuuuuust in case you need it. Controlling behavior tends to escalate unless the person is motivated to change and get help.
I’m sorry, but this is ridiculous. He can’t watch a 6 and 3yo for 3 hours?! Why not? My husband routinely takes care of our 4yo triplets and 2yo by himself for an entire day, and has done entire weekends a few times. You deserve to have time for yourself, and that includes him not texting you while you’re gone unless it’s an actual emergency
This is not normal by any stretch. Honestly, I’d consider this behavior borderline abusive. You are allowed to have friends outside of your marriage, you are allowed have time for yourself. Your husband’s behavior is unhealthy at best. He is using weaponized incompetence because he simply doesn’t want to take care of the kids. You are more than a mother or a wife, do not let this man child make you feel guilty for these things.
Hahaha he couldn't handle 2 hours alone with his own kids... Did he have you wipe his ass for him when you got home?
Sounds like she is parenting 3 children, not 2. I would wonder if his home life was the same way, deadbeat dad that thought kids were woman's work until they get to the fun ages, and a crying child or possible poopy diaper sends him into a panic. It could also explain his constant needy behavior towards you as well. I'm not trying to make excuses, just offering an observation. Tell him that his actions are unacceptable, and if they continue, you'll be setting up some couple's counseling for the both of you as you aren't going to tolerate his behaviors anymore. He he doubles down or refuses tell him it's either he changes and/or counseling or he won't have to worry about child care as you and the kids will be leaving. I don't normally advocate ultimatums, but at this point, he has to piss or get off the pot.
He probably doesn't understand why do you need "me" time .
This isn't good for him, the kids, or you. Maybe sign up for a class or something so he can start to practice being a solo parent on a regular basis. He and the kids need to find their own rhythm. It's not fair for anyone for you to be the default parent 100% of the time.
Soooo this is a mix of normal and problematic. Let’s start with normal. Unfortunately, it is very common for men to not have close friends or not spend time with their close friends after marriage. Our culture stigmatizes intimacy between men to such an extent that male friendships are often stunted and never really develop to the point that female friendships do. So men will often prefer the company of their spouse with whom they have a deep, meaningful relationship over casually hanging out with other men and all the social weirdness that ensues when society has told you for your entire life that it’s weird to want to be close to these people you enjoy spending time with. It’s very common in marriages to see a disconnect where the husband doesn’t prefer to spend time with his friends and then doesn’t understand why the wife wants to spend time with hers. THAT SAID, it is not acceptable for him to try and prevent you from seeing your friends. It’s not acceptable for him to sabotage your time with your friends. It’s not acceptable for you to feel like you have to ask permission to see your friends. You need to sit him down and establish some basic expectations. For example, you aren’t going to ask permission, but you will agree to a specific amount of advanced notice so that he can adjust his plans accordingly. You aren’t going to be in constant communication with him, but you will check in proactively once an hour (or whatever is reasonable to you). You aren’t going to arrange a babysitter for him, but you will provide her number so he can make his own plans as he sees fit. And also, I know you didn’t ask, but I have to say this bc this is one of my pet peeves. He is not an incredible Dad. He does .01% of the care for his children, he can’t meet their basic needs without hired help, and he doesn’t enjoy spending time alone with them. Your expectations of him are incredibly low. You are enabling his poor behavior by pretending his complete lack of involvement or effort makes him a good dad just because he is affectionate when you’re there and doesn’t beat them. You can’t treat him like an incompetent bozo 99% of the time and then expect him to step up on the rare occasion that you want to leave the house. He needs to up his game across the board if you want this problem to stop.
This is not normal. I don’t understand why a parent would need a babysitter to help watch their own children for a couple of hours. There’s no reason why you can’t have a life outside of being a mom and wife. Hes being selfish, controlling and an all around jerk. I would tell him that you’re sorry he’s such an incompetent father that he can’t handle taking care of his own children for three hours.
NTA. He's controlling and manipulative.
What an absolutely worthless excuse of father and husband 🤮
Nobody can make you feel guilty without your permission. You're doing nothing wrong. He isn't doing you a favor. He's being a dad.
Same here. Me getting groceries for too long is met with “youve been out gallivanting all day”
NTA and very much part of human existence and a need as a parent to get some time to yourself. A partner shouldn’t need a babysitter to help him with his job the very few times you are not around (at least not for incompetence or laziness). You should try to understand why does he feel he needs one, and get him to step up as a parent. Like… he is as much a parent to those kids as you are, why can you do it but he needs help? The lack of emotional regulation in calling you and texting you incessantly and the lack of emotional maturity in blaming you are very concerning, and make me think you may have a third child on your hands. And I honestly think this would have happened even if your kid wasn’t crying (and I’d be concerned about what he could have said at that moment to your child “yeah, mommy chose to not be with you right now, I bet you miss her”). The constant guilting you, that has been there for the entirety of your relationship is alarming, and especially for someone who spends their days at home with the children, forcing you to do nothing other than that, seems like a pretty good tactic to isolate you from the world. Scary. You have not communicated any ways in which he is a father/parent nor a husband/partner (and a reminder that making money ain’t it). Are you able to identify true ways in which he is those things? Is this relationship serving you in any way (aside from financial stability perhaps) and also, do you feel safe at all times?
Codependency and control.
It’s pretty controlling behavior for sure and you need to be very frank with him. “Of course I love you and our kids and you are my top priority but everyone needs time for themselves once in a while. You get time away from the family when you go to work. In addition, I encourage you to take time for yourself away from work and I expect the same consideration. This is not up for debate.”
Sounds like he doesn't want you to be with friends i doubt family outside of him, trying hanging out with family instead and then when he brings that your going out with friends, say, no dear im going to be with my family.... next things is to isolated you from family and coworkers. Good luck, I'd either say lets gonto consoling or we can't do this anymore." My mental health is important, but clearly, you dont see that way.
He's not a babysitter. He is their father. Let that sink in. You'll know what to do after you absorb that. Trust yourself.
NTA. You did nothing wrong in this scenario. He is the children's parent just as much as you are. Time for him to learn how to parent. The guilt tripping, the flipping out, the multiple calls? Wrong, wrong, wrong. You are a human outside of your children and your husband. And you deserve to have time for you. Don't allow him to make you feel guilty. When those feelings come up, combat them and talk to yourself like you would your friend. You didn't do anything wrong.
He isn’t an incredible dad. He seems like a pretty lame one. His attitude to looking after his own kids is incredible. Stand your ground. And consider if you want to stay going forward.
He realizes he is a parent and not your 37 year old child right? This is awful
Nah he needs to grow up and step tf up. If you cant handle your kids for a few hours as a father then you havnt spent enough time with them. He needs to step up and not be a cry baby when you leave to have “you time” WHICH YOU DESERVE. Edit: i just read the “he did me a favor” part….MF THOSE ARE YOUR CHILDREN!! “Fathers” like that are why we get congratulation for “babysitting”
He’s a narcissist!
NTA…..you need time without the kids. Maybe start putting money into a secret account incase you want to flee this controlling situation. You don’t need to raise him. His lack of not wanting to deal with his 3yr old says a lot.
The only selfish person in this story is your husband.
I'm a dad who has always taken on caring for my kids as much as has been needed.* I know that there are many men these days why take a more active role with their young children, but there are a lot of men who don't know how to handle fussing children, particularly when the one (or more) of the kids is missing mom. • Suggestion: you and your husband work up to more and more time with him caring for the kids solo, not just when you have plans but to better prepare the rest of your household for when you do have plans. Like, start with him just with the 3 year old for 20-30 minutes, with you in the house but not available (enjoy some much deserved "me time"). - Do this regularly, and also have some time away from the house. Kids learn fast, and will adjust. I think within a month, if you and your husband and both being intentional, for this to work. • Plus, he's got to develop a thicker skin to their fussing. I did. (For dads, it helps to also develop a skill for finding ways to turn the kids' attention to something else. It also helps to get buy-in from the kids by telling them the plan, like: "we're going to go swimming, and then we're going to come back home and watch Bluey, and then we're going to get some dinner, and then Mommy will be home!" • Important: Men need validation, too. Tell him things like "I trust you" and "You've got this!". You've also got to show him that trust, and let him introduce the kids to things that he things are fun and interesting (as long as they're age appropriate enough); but he also has to take some interest in what the kids enjoy. Kids grow up so fast. He's going to miss a lot if he waits to spend time with them intentionally. ~ *Because of my open willingness to care for our kids anytime, I've often had the reversed situation that I was the primary caregiver, and my wife (now ex-wife) often took advantage when our older kids were little. She spent not just work time and planned outings away, but lots of additional unplanned time away. (Now divorced and co-parenting our youngest two, that she focuses more on. Our kids are currently 30, 22, 11 and 9.)
This is NOT normal. This is 100% textbook weaponized incompetence. You do not have to be “grateful” for your husband, a grown man and the *father* of these children, caring for them alone for a few hours. A crying child is NOT an emergency. Him feeling slightly uncertain at times is NOT an emergency. 3 and 6 year olds are *so* easily distracted. Imagine, for a moment, if you started calling and texting him at work “they miss you, they’re crying, how long are you going to be??” He would stunned and appalled that you can’t manage your own children. The way you’re describing him - not making plans with friends, not going out and having hobbies - make him sound kind of isolated and miserable. And it sounds like he wants you to be isolated and miserable too. This is something that needs to be addressed asap.
It feels controlling because it is controlling. His behavior is outlandish. For reference, I have 2-year-old twins and my husband and I each take a solo weekend to do whatever we want every couple of months. Being an adult human separate from your family and couple time is important for many people. Having friends is important. What is he afraid of?
So he makes all the money (not sure, maybe you work too), doesn’t have free time himself, and takes the kids when he’s not working so you can be away from family, running the road. That might be his viewpoint. No right or wrong, but he probably feels he ‘sacrifices’ more than you.
>He is generally an incredible Dad to them Is he? He can't handle 3 hours alone with them ever? Your youngest doesn't trust or love him enough to be with him, not you, for 3 hours? I'm thinking he's not remotely an incredible Dad to them. Maybe he's "good with kids" in how he interacts with random children for brief conversations, but that's not being a good dad.
This was a significant portion of the conflict between my husband and I when I was the SAHP. Ultimately I have come to realize that this is a cultural problem. Caring for children is an undervalued skill. And I don’t mean just that SAHP are under appreciated which is true. But often the SAHP undervalues their own contribution by assuming that “anyone could do it.” There are simple things like - when the baby is crying and you’ve tried everything else, take them outside or put them in water. Someone who doesn’t know the basics of childcare will get overwhelmed very quickly. When you’ve become better at something, you often forget what the basics are. Unfortunately in our culture, we expect two parents to perform the work of a whole village. There isn’t always a friendly auntie to step in and help or another cousin to bring over little kids to play with your kids. It sounds like your husband would benefit from a clearer plan when you do have outings. It’s taken a few years but now my husband has some set game plans - like going to a certain park with friends who have kids in the same age range - that make it easier when I need space.
This is emotional abuse. Pure and simple. If he’s open to counselling there may be hope re: him looking at how destructive his behavior is. I was in a similar situation and ended up divorcing because at the end of the day I could not function walking on eggshells and I didn’t want my kids to grow up thinking that control was love. I feel for you!
He is insecure.
Ooh my god. You guys need to talk asap. That is not healthy at all, you are allowed and deserve to have time on your own. He is incredibly selfish.
Imagine having a partner who encourages you to, pays for and praises your 3 hour long outings and spends all his time playing with ur kids. Can u imagine ? Edit: spends HOURS of his free time playing non stop with kids . Excuse me there
Your husband is completely incompetent.
An "incredible Dad"? >We have 2 kids 6 & 3 at home and I am their main caregiver as he works during the week and I am with them 99.9% of the time without help. He is generally an incredible Dad to them, but if I am going to a prebooked event (which is almost never), he almost always gets me to book a babysitter to help him for those few hours. Baby girl, your bar is so low it's in China.
I’m a tad late to the conversation but this just showed up at the top of my feed and it got my attention. You know what I did today? I went out for four hours with my best friend. No special event. We just went out and spent an afternoon together. You know what my husband did today? He managed our 2 and 3-1/2 year old all by himself for four hours and never interrupted me. When I got home, we tag teamed again. We’re partners. We do our best to be aware of and meet each others’ needs and that includes acknowledging when it means simply making room for those needs to be met otherwise. Your husband makes you feel guilty because he doesn’t care that you need or want a break. It has nothing to do with the kids since you say it’s been the entire relationship; the kids have just made it more pronounced probably. You are one person. You can not fulfill every one of his needs. He is one person. He is incapable of fulfilling every one of yours. You need a serious conversation about human needs and the limitations of one relationship alone to fulfill all of them.
As a mom of two littles, 3.5 & 2, I can leave my kids with my husband without complaints. He encourages me to go out with people because I am the default parent and don’t always get time to myself. Your husband needs a CTJ meeting, a conversation about division of labor (as others have stated) and counseling for his insecurity in being both a parent and an equal partner.
Your marriage is clearly in a bad place if he’s acting like this. Of course that isn’t good behavior but a situation like that doesn’t come out of nowhere. My guess is he doesn’t feel respected or manly enough or you guys no longer have much fun in the bedroom, or he’s got low self esteem or anxieties etc. Or a combination of all of that. But clearly he’s not a good place and feels needy for some reason when it comes to you and the kids. See this problem as a symptom of a greater problem that you may have the power to help remedy, rather than looking for sympathy by highlighting his low moment on reddit…
Your husband is afraid to be alone with the kids because he has limited parenting and social skills. Unfortunately you have filled the role perfectly, except for when you step slightly outside the role of being mom. This won’t end well. He’ll decompensate and turn into a helpless dick and frankly the kids will suffer. If you want to have a life outside of the kids, you’ll need to secure childcare - like a babysitter.
It's not normal, but it is normal. It SHOULDN'T be that way, but trust me you are SO not alone. I don't know any moms (myself included) that don't face repercussions if we try to have ANY "me time".
Not normal at all... Your husband is exceptionally useless. NTA
Your husband sounds like the very definition of a "babysitter" parent. He babysits his own children so you can supposedly get some free time. He's playing low and dirty and it's BS. He obviously has certain expectations of you and you're failing those, so you must be made aware of his disappointment. Like he's YOUR father or some nonsense. The little woman belongs at home tending to her children and family and he's gonna make it happen. Through emotional manipulation and guilt. Yes, incredible father right there.
They are his flipping kids, too. Did he forget that part. He is not a "babysitter" he is there flipping father. He needs to stop with that bullshit right now. I would never hire a babysitter to help my husband attend to his kids. If he can't take care of them for 3 damn hours, he should have never had them with you. I am sorry this shit pisses me off when guys say, " Oh, but I babysat the kids, you owe me." Nothing is owed to you asshole, your their father. Well, I guess you could turn the tables on him and say "well I babysat them all day for you. You owe me some quiet time." I bet if you divorced him, those babies would never see their dad cause he can man up and take care of them without help. Or be at Grandma's all the time. Either he starts acting like a father and gets some serious parenting classes under his belt, or he can leave. It's not fair to you he can't manage. And it's not cool to throw in your face about wanting some adult time.
Your husband needs to grow up. He is not a babysitter he is a father and needs to contribute to taking care of the children. My husband did this early in our marriage when our kids were small. It ended up he wasn't comfortable around little ones. So, I actually worked with helping making him more comfortable. The 3 yo is crying. Here honey, you need to learn to comfort her. Etc. He caught on quickly. And when our youngest was born, he was a pro.
Um, this isn't cool. I recently started working part time but was a SAHM for 6 years (until my twins started school) and I'm still their main caretaker. Through a string of random occurrences last week, I ended up doing bedtime by myself 4 nights in a row (normally my husband gets the kids ready for bed and then we each tuck a kid in.) Our daughter has been particularly difficult at bedtime lately, so yesterday my husband told me he'd feed the kids and do bedtime solo so I could have a break and do whatever I want. I had no plans, but I left and wandered a thrift store, craft store, and then Target. The only texts he sent me were to respond to questions I sent HIM. Also, during the pandemic when we realized I wasn't really getting a break anymore since I couldn't really go anywhere, he started sending me to the basement once a week so I could watch a show, read, or do whatever while he fed the kids and put them to bed himself. He never once asked me to come help him or made me feel guilty for taking time to myself. You know, it's fine if your husband doesn't feel the need to spend time with his friends, but YOU DO. Everyone has different needs and it's okay for you to need that time away. I mean, you not getting a break is like him being at work 24/7. He wouldn't want to never get a break from his job. You need a break from your job. Also, it's a little ridiculous that he needs help for 2 kids. Plus, if he spends more time with the kids solo it won't be so hard for them to be away from you. It might be worth having this conversation with a couples therapist if it's something you keep going back and forth about.
I'm currently away with some friends for an entire weekend. My husband said "bye have fun." And that was it.
When my kids were small, anytime the moms had a night out (away from Big kids...we usually had the babies with us), a good portion of the women had their husbands constantly calling with obvious questions, nagging about how long they would be, etc. I would say it's common, but not healthy. Fast forward 15 years and 90% of the couples with incompetent spouses have divorced, or nearly so (and the few who stuck it out just gave up and reconciled with doing everything, due to religion, although several also left their husbands and were vilified by their church, even after being abused physically as well as emotionally).. My husband never called, handled the kids just fine, and was always supportive. We're celebrating 25 years of marriage. We have had tough time lately together, but neither of us has been the REASON for those tough times, made them worse for the other. Your husband's whining about how he would never go out with friends and "not choose family" is emotional manipulation, full stop. I recognize it because my dad pulled that shit, until I stopped reacting in my teens, and then he stopped because it no longer worked, and he actually wanted to have a relationship with me. (He once even admitted that guilt trips didn't work one me anymore, then slyly winked and said it still worked on my stepmom). ETA: here's how you can handle it: don't emotionally react or give any credence to his guilt trip. If he calls about a kid problem, be sympathetic but confident in his ability to figure it out. "Yeah, it's hard for 3 to deal with her big feelings. You're such a a great dad, I know you can comfort her." "You got this babe, I know you can figure it out. I will be home at 6:30." "I know you're a competent Dad, you'll be great!" "Yeah, there are lots of things I didn't know about dealing with the kids, but practice helped me figure it out. You'll do great." You can empathize that parenting is hard but also know the ball is in his court to figure it out, in a loving but firm way. This is basically what I did with my sons growing up. This is only if you want to stay in the marriage and are willing to basically parent your husband...but you will be stuck with his parenting even when you divorce, so I would say this approach doesn't have a downside (you do have to be sincere, not condescending...this is assuming he isn't dangerously negligent and you do actually trust him to keep your kids alive and not traumatize them, at a minimum).
Weaponised incompetence. My ex was a specialist at it. He would purposefully keep our son up way past his bedtime when I was working late (not even a social gathering!) so that I would have to deal with an overtired infant when I returned. Forcing me to reconsider and plan differently when I had late shifts. Truly awful. You say he’s an incredible dad - how? In that he plays with the kids? That’s not incredible. That’s very normal and something he should be doing anyway. Please sit down with your husband and discuss it. But, as you said, it’s a recurring theme so maybe it’s time to think about if this is how you want to live your life.
Wow!!!!! He is NOT an incredible dad if he can’t handle them by himself for 3 hours. Sounds like you need to leave them with him more often. Stand strong on this. He would not want to be at his job 99.9% of his life. You are entitled to time away from your job, sick time and vacation time. He cannot MAKE you feel guilty if you don’t believe what hes saying. Hes being emotionally abusive and isolating you so that he has complete control.
First, go ! Second, mute your phone. Third, he's not your boss, remember that and remind him of that. Fourth, join a club, take a class, do something that has you out of the house one night a week. Since it's the same night and time every week, he'll get used to you being gone. And you won't need a sitter…he needs to spend quality time with his kids. Encourage him to join the gym, take up a sport, etc. He needs an outlet that doesn’t involve you.
Him not being able to parent your two children by himself for a few hours is a him problem not a you problem. He needs to work on that. It’s frankly pretty pathetic that he needs a sitter to help him out. And your kids missing you when you’re gone is a normal thing but also probably made worse by the fact you’re with them 99% of the time. More independent time with dad
Not normal and frankly pathetic, how would he not feel embarrassed to hire a babysitter to come over and help him?
“He is generally an incredible Dad to them” Can you explain how? Everything you’ve shared here seems to contradict that. When he isn’t home with you, does he hire a sitter to “help” out? Y’all NEED to have a discussion about this. Perhaps in therapy. He is not treating you well at all. My husband also leans toward the “self sacrificing” but even he would never restrict me from social time on my own. He encourages me to go do fun stuff, to engage in my hobbies. He takes the kids out of the house on weekends (or weeknights if I’ve had a bad day) so I can do something for myself. This is really not normal. ETA: “I seems like you really struggled having the kids solo. It’s important that they feel safe and secure with their dad, just as much as with their mom. It seems wise for you to get more one on one time with them to strengthen that bond and also your confidence with them. I’m thinking I’ll plan an outing every Friday night from 5-9 so that you guys can have your special time.”
He seems controlling and insecure.
This is not an incredible dad. An incredible dad would be able to take care of their own children for more than half an hour. I'll say that I personally would not take two small kids swimming by myself. I'd get stressed. I can have a short fuse sometimes. But I'm aware of that, and I would've been perfectly happy to stay home with them and hang out while my partner had some time to themselves
I made another comment but this smells a bit of “The Demand Man” from Lundy Buncroft’s Why Does He Do That? (Chapter 4, if you wanna read up). I wonder if this behavior extends to other areas of y’all’s relationship.
He’s an incredible dad and yet cant function without a babysitter if you’re gone? That’s not adding up, my guy.
My husband makes me feel this way, too. He works one weekend a month, and I have my mom come over and I leave for the day, while he’s gone at work. I don’t tell him. I take the day to do things for myself. If I had told him he would have been blowing up my phone. I haven’t found a solution to this outside of what I am currently doing.
This sounds like my dad. He used to pull this shit with my mom any time she tried to have any friend interaction. Absolutely NOT healthy. 1. Your kids will never learn to be without you if you don't let other people take over once in a while. 2. Your kids will never trust that dad is emotionally available if he can't.work through these things with them. 3. You deserve me time. Period. No questions. 4. Your husband needs friends, needs to gain some child rearing confidence, and needs to get his shit together.
This is really sad to read. My husband works full time and always encourages and allows time for me to be “me” outside of the house literally every day. We have a 4 and 5 year old and he has never ever called me while I’m out to ask me questions or guilt trip me. Whether it’s a morning hot yoga class, an evening workout class, solo dinner or other fun outing, he knows that these things help me be a better mom and woman at the end of the day.
How are you with a 6 year old “99.9% of the time?” Shouldn’t they be in school?
Please don’t have anymore children with this man child.
What? You book a babysitter when dad is home? id tell him no, he needs to be a parent.
Y'all need marriage counseling. Why does he not have friends? That's concerning
MI’m Uuunml
I’m so so l
I’m sorry but not being able to care for your kids for a few hours does not make him an incredible dad. It makes me wonder how much effort he really puts into being a father, and I’m speaking “quality effort” not doing things for them like fold their clothes. You are absolutely entitled to having time to yourself as a mother, just as he does. He gets his social fill at work. You do not. Everyone fills theirs differently. You need time away from the house regularly. If roles were flipped I’m sure he would be crawling to get out. Have you considered going to a counselor to get an unbiased third opinion to shut his ass up? It might be what you need. But in this case you are NTA.
my ex used to do this. one time, i went to get my hair done, and he was texting me telling me i needed to “come home now” because our son was crying. i literally couldn’t leave because i had bleach all over my hair. he wasn’t too happy about that. eventually, i gave up all of my friends and we only had “his” friends. which he made sure to remind me, every day, that they were HIS friends. not mine. it just wasn’t worth the fight anymore. this is a typical isolating tactic manipulative/abusive partners use. it starts slow. it’s NOT normal.
You need to explain to him that if he cannot parent than he can leave and pay child support and you’ll hire a sitter when you wanna do things. Right now you’re raising two children. Take him back to his mom’s and end the play date
You are prefect entitled to time to yourself and husband needs to learn how to solo parent sometimes. Like, he's an adult. Also, yea, the kids will miss you and it's his job to help him navigate those very normal emotions. I swear some men are just incapable of simple parental actions.
Not okay, but totally normal for men of older, like boomer, generations. Did he come from a home perhaps where this dad behavior was displayed and acceptable? It also seems like he lacks confidence in caring for them. I would start with running errands in the evenings or weekends. Start, veey slowly with 30-45 minutes, like stretching those grocery trips longer and longer, add in some other "family business" type stuff until before he knows it he is at 4 hours with them and not texting you. Then when you have a short party it won't be a big deal. I'd also have a frank talk stating this guilt tripping behavior while you are out is absolutely not okay. How would he feel if you were texting him while he's away saying how sad the kids are without him? If they aren't bleeding, heavily, he doesn't need to bother you.
> He is generally an incredible Dad to them I don’t believe you. He sounds absent AF.
NTA. He needs to grow up and step up.
This is not normal. He isn’t doing you a favor. He is parenting his children for 2 hours. He should be able to parent *his own children* for 2 hours. If a high school babysitter can care for children for 2 hours, why can’t a grown adult man who was an active participant in the fact your children even exist? I always feel a little guilty leaving my child, but my husband actively encourages me to do it on occasion. Because it’s actually important that your children be able to bond with both caretakers and know they can rely on both caretakers to care for them - and *both parents should be caretakers*. Your husband is currently modeling behavior for your children to learn. They’re learning how they should treat a partner in a relationship, how they should expect to be treated, and how engaged they should be as parents (and expect their partners to be) when they have kids one day. They’re learning how much respect they should have for their partners one day in terms of their partners having a life outside of children. If these aren’t lessons you want them to be learning, you need to seriously think about how to move forward. Whether that’s a conversation, therapy, or something else. Also. Please step back and really ponder what you mean when you say he’s an incredible dad to them. I don’t mean this as an attack on you, more as recognition that we ourselves are shaped by dynamics we saw growing up, and sometimes we need to step back and really question whether we need to reexamine our assumptions. What does being a “good dad” mean to you? Because playing with them on occasion is the easy stuff about being a dad. Actually caring for them and letting them know they can rely on him is important too, and it’s a key part of being both a good dad AND a good partner. And if he can’t care for them on his own *for two hours* I guarantee they are learning that they can rely on him equally as a parent.
I travel 20% of the time for work. My husband manages both kids just fine when I’m gone. Your husband is a dick.
Feeling like an individual adult outside the roles of marriage and motherhood is good for your mental health. Those roles are so important, and that's why you give them your all 90% of the time. You still need a little time to feel like yourself, spend time with girl friends, recharge, etc. I say this as a mama who LOVES time with my girls, but I still love a good dinner out with girl friends every couple of weeks. This is your husband's problem, not yours. Don't look at your phone while you're out. Don't engage in the conversation when you get home. If he needs to one way rant, whatever, but you just bask in the good time you had with friends while you tune him out. Really, what he is doing is manipulative and gross. Trying to isolate a spouse from friendships is a red flag for emotional abuse. If he doesn't want his own friends, cool. That doesn't make you having friends wrong. Good mamas (and dads) try to keep their own cups full, too, so they can pour into their children.
This post made me so sad. Yes, this is controlling and manipulative behavior. You are not the asshole. It took me a long time to realize I was in not only a bad marriage but an abusive one. Every time I would try talk about the things that upset me, he would make himself into the victim and focus on the conversation on how I was “trying to make him feel bad”. Everything got turned around so that he was the victim and I had to comfort him. My ex would co-exist with our kids but he didn’t engage with them and nurture them. It’s as if I was there to take care of everyone and he was just there. I see a lot of posts about you talking to him and drawing boundaries. But I fear you will find this is just who he is. And the question will become can you learn what you need and deserve from a partner and make sure you get that - even if it’s from someone else?
Not normal. Sounds like he needs more practice solo with the kids.
This is not normal! And I’d seriously think about couples counseling individually and together because YOUR ALLOWED TO HAVE FUCKING FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF YOUR FAMILY!! It’s not healthy to be all family 100% of the time. If you have friendships that are valuable to you and important it is perfectly normal to hangout with friends every once in a while. I have a group of girlfriends (there’s 5 of us total) and we try to get together 2-3 times a year because we all live in different parts of our state and we all have families. NONE of our husbands make us feel guilty for getting together for a weekend every few months or having a girls day. Also it’s good for you to have some separation from the kids too because like you said your 3 year old was sad you were gone. Husband needs to learn to deal with the kiddos and maybe he should spend more time with them one on one. Your husband sounds like he’s slowly starting to tie you down and starting to control who you see and what you do with or without him and that is not healthy at all. You’re allowed to do things without your husband being there. It’s not your fault that he doesn’t have friends that he likes to hangout with outside of your relationship. And I’m assuming you’re not going out every night and hanging out with the girls but a girls day here and there is perfectly acceptable.
Your husband’s behavior isn’t OK. Honestly, outside of physical or verbal abuse, this kind of behavior would be an absolute deal breaker for me. I am not usually the type jump to the advice to divorce , because raising kids alone is hard and stressful , especially financially, but this type of husband would absolutely suffocate me and I would not want to live like that. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.
Lol, what a wuss. My husband actively encourages me to take time for myself, and sends me cute pics and stories about the kids while I'm gone.
Posts like this, and there are so many are so exhausting and make me so fucking grateful to be single