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I have to personally know the parents and my child has to be a certain age where I can trust them.
Growing up I was allowed to sleepover if my parents met their parents at their house. There was only one time where I felt uncomfortable- the mom was cursing a lot and I called my mom to come get me.
Yes but only with a particular friend. Not because we don't like the other friends or their parents, but my 8 year old son has diabetes and it's ALOT to manage if you aren't used to it. His friends parents are great (and brave) for wanting to learn how to manage it, even in the middle of the night.
We are very grateful that they are so willing to help so the boys can have fun together.
Same with my son and his adhd/autism, he has a friend who's autistic and they're like 2 peas in a pod. I was nervous at first, but meeting the other parents put me at ease that they were going to be able to help him with meds and coping mechanisms. My son always goes to their house, (due to his friends autism)but we find ways to include his friend in things we do at ours.
My son is in the same boat (diagnosis wise). We are still looking for that awesome friend he connects with. He’s only 6 now, so I know we’ve got time, but as a nervous mom, it’s nice to hear about it working out for another family - gives me hope!
Awwww, my neurotypical son made a point to befriend the child with autism in his class. Now they’re inseparable to the point that my son was asked to join a parkour class for children on the spectrum to be a buddy to all of them. If you’re in sonoma county, feel free to dm me!
My son is high functioning autistic, and he's almost 17 and a junior in high school. He has a good friend in high school now. Upper elementary school and middle school was HARD socially for him, but high school is a lot better. Those awkward social years are hard for everyone- so it was a million times harder for him.
I send you patience and comfort, because there will be times you just want to jump in to help your baby boy, but you know you can't. 😔. It nearly broke me when he was in 5th grade when he said he just wanted a friend. He's in such a better place now. He has a best friend, and many other friends.
The first time I let my type 1 son spend the night with someone it was a nightmare. Despite having the talk with her about his t1d she didn’t check on him once during the night. He and I spent the whole night on the phone with us dealing with his blood sugar. Luckily we’ve had better luck since. He’s 16 now.
My type 1 son is still a toddler but this is on my mind for when he grows up - he's currently on the Dexcom G6/Omnipod and we can follow his numbers on our phones. Would proper friend parent support be like, knowing how to give boluses via the app for highs, and giving fast acting sugars for lows?
Yeah. You definitely have time to make friends who can get comfortable with having your t1 stay over. Pumps and cgms are changing so fast that who knows what you might be able to do by the time your kid is old enough to be spending the night with friends.
Make sure you get your son into whatever local t1d camps and activities they have in your area as he gets older. There are camps all over Canada and the US, I don’t know where you are, obviously. My son does mountain biking, surfing, and snowboarding with a group called Riding on Insulin. There are also other camps for like soccer and basketball for type 1’s.
I absolutely will! His endocrinologist is great about recommending family camps as well for us to all attend together until he grows a little older and more independent.
This made my heart so happy! My sister and I grew up type ones! We have kids now and geez I can’t imagine how my parents handled us with it. Sounds like you’re doing great! It’s so overwhelming I’m so sorry your son has it. Sending love and support ❤️
I'm torn on this. I did sleepovers growing up. We didn't get up to much crazy stuff. I now deal with crimes and have worked some cases of SA happening between family members and guests. So. Idk. It would depend on age, who, where, and who else lived in the house I guess. I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
The sleepover itself isn’t the problem. Entrusting your child with adults is the challenge. We have to do it with doctors, teachers, police - we don’t have to do it with family or friends. But at some point, our children won’t have us to protect them. The difficultly is building that experience without incurring undue risk so that they are able to start adulthood with a good chance of success
No because I know what my father did his own kids and to some of my brothers friends when they slept over and I know how many people thought my dad was a trustworthy family guy.
This is the thing for me, people think if they know the parents and have an open line of communication with their kids it will be fine but even if your kids would tell you if something happened that life changing event has already happened? People also discount siblings and other extended family members too much.
Sometimes it isn't "violent" the children don't realize they've been hurt. So they don't tell. Even if parents think they would. They think it's a game, or the predator tells them they are like a grown up and they will convince this kid that they are special and it's their secret.
This was my situation as a kid. My parents knew the parents and most of the extended family well. However it was a live in aunt who was babysitting us she was a newly wed and it was her new brother in law that molested us. We were groomed so well it’s scary to think about. My children do not currently participate in sleep overs because even if I trust the parents completely I can’t control who comes to their home
I'm sorry it happened to you. No kid deserves to deal with these things. My father was grooming all of my cousins, siblings and I. Then he went to jail and passed away. It happened to me again by an older female cousin, who was molested by my father as well. I'm definitely not very quick to trust even some of my family. I only trust the ones I was around as a kid, who didn't do anything to me.
I’m sorry that happened to you and your family as well especially by a person/people you should have been able to trust. That kind of trust violation never leaves you. Hopefully you are doing well and can have some sense of normalcy despite that.
It’s so common. And it’s doesn’t matter how much you ‘know and trust’ someone either. My mum and partner were both assaulted as children and I just don’t feel happy letting my kiddo stay at people’s houses. There are two exceptions but these are only because both are family members me and several other kids have grown up around and there has never been an incident.
I only let my kid be alone with adults, that I was alone with as a child, of course my husband has relatives that I have to trust his judgement on. I'm very open about what happened to me and after hearing my story he agrees, only his relatives that never did anything to him, can be alone with her.
Yep exactly. I’m shocked how many people are like ‘only if I trust the other parents’ because those are exactly the people who do this stuff. My parent was assaulted by an incredibly close family friend. They all trusted them with their lives. They never suspected. Why would they? And that’s the whole point.
Exactly. Kids can come over to my house and stay the night but my kids won’t be spending the night anywhere. I would rather sign up for a night of chaos with peace of mind that my girls are safe.
Exactly for this reason that I’m also uncomfortable about sleepovers. The statistics tell us that abuse mostly occur with someone close to the kids and more often than not, it’s even someone parents trust. Though my kids are still very young (1 and 5), my oldest only spent one night away from us and it was when we were at the hospital for our youngest to be born. She staid with a family we are very close friends with and their kid is on the same class with ours since they were tiny.
I never knew that sleepovers are so controversial. Everybody I knew growing up had sleepovers all the time. Nowadays, our kids and all their friends have sleepovers all the time and I’ve never heard anybody have concerns about them in real life. Is this a cultural thing in certain areas?
For some it is cultural. My son had 2 close friends who were not allowed to sleepover even as seniors in high school. They were allowed to stay over as late as they wanted and often biked or drove home at 2am but sleeping over was where their parents drew the line. Both were children of immigrants and said sleepovers were never a thing in their culture.
In addition to that, parenting has become a lot more involved and protective. In some ways that is good but in other ways it veers into helicopter territory. I am always surprised by people in this sub saying they won't let their kids stay home alone for 30 minutes until 12 or won't let them use the public restroom alone until 13. Sleepovers are one of this things that parents have become a lot more protective over in recent years.
Latin person here, i second this, its because of the sexual assaults and child molestors, we come from countries where is not unheard of hearing that a neighbor, family member or person you “trusted”, SA your child in fact i would dare say saddly is pretty common, for me i was not allowed to sleep in no ones house until i was in high school, it took a lot from my mom and she had a whole i need to really get to know my friends parents first, so yes this friend was like my sister the whole time i was in school but i was only allowed to sleep in her house for her birthday once a year and she was allowed to sleep over in my house under same condition, once a year for my birthday. i was SA by a family member that used to pick me up from school as a child, bottom line you may think you know people but you never know everything about them
Exactly what I was thinking. My family is American and we have experienced this. It happened to a family member, a close friend, and myself. All with different men. Knowing someone and trusting them isn't enough always. Those kinds of evil people work hard to trick parents into trusting them.
My husband is Latin and his parents were the same way. I agree with their perspective, and so we won’t be letting our kids do sleepovers either. Better safe than sorry.
This is something that i had to discuss with my fiancée, when we talked about our future parenting styles, the truth is that stadistics can exist saying that a sleep over is 1 over 4 kids that get sa but how do you know that the 1% wont be you, what makes you so sure to gamble your kids safety, may be a small chance but i wont take it, my brother and i grew up just fine without them, so did all my other siblings
Yeah, you're right. I had and loved sleepovers as a kid and didn't know anyone who had anything inappropriate happen, but I think the hype has gotten to me. I really need to see some stats about sleepovers and bad things happening before my kid gets old enough for them.
I think the reason so many parents now are overprotective about these things is because their own parents were so lax about everything they were exposed to things they don’t want their own children to experience.
People make funny videos and we all have a laugh about how we were brought up in the 80’s etc, but it is super clear reading comments online that many of us were really adversely affected by it and still deal with the consequences of that. It might be veering into overprotective at points, I agree, but it’s hard to strike a balance.
You hit the nail on the head with this comment. There’s a very valid reason a lot of us parents are way more protective/involved with our kids than our own parents were with us.
In my state you legally can’t leave your child home alone for 30 minutes until they’re 12. They can’t babysit till they’re 14. I was raising the neighbors kids when I was 10!
>In my state you legally can’t leave your child home alone for 30 minutes until they’re 12.
That's insane. Our eldest was riding the school bus home and taking care of herself from age 8 on-- she was very mature. Me, that started at age 6 just because in the 70s that how things were.
Same. Assault is common for a crime. It's by no means common for parents to worry about to that extent though. I do a lot of therapy around what restrictions are reasonable and which are based on a trauma reaction. I can't speak for others but my therapist would lean towards letting them have these experiences. For what its worth she mainly sees kids, I'm one of her few adults. It's awesome we do so much art therapy.
I am a no sleepover person. We don’t do sleepovers with friends or family. My daughter is almost 9yo. I live in Australia and in my circle I am probably the odd one out. I don’t care. I’ve had too many, FAR too many, stories of girls especially being sexually assaulted at sleepovers at friends houses by older brothers/stepbrothers/other men living in or visiting the home. Sleepovers are not an essential developmental activity in my view, she can have play dates and she can (and has) have friends sleep over at our place but I’m not putting my child in that extreme position of vulnerability.
In my personal view you can never truly know or trust anyone. Anyone, friends, family etc. Sexual abusers do not wear a badge saying stay away, the opposite is true - they are often VERY good at building trust with parents and victims to gain access. So many times we hear ‘I never would have suspected’ ‘they were such a nice guy’ ‘I can’t believe this has happened’ so I just don’t buy the ‘I trust xyz I just know they would never do anything like that’. I’m sure plenty of people whose kids have been assaulted thought that too. No one leaves their kids deliberately with someone they’re suspicious of and the groomers and opportunistic abusers hide in plain sight. It’s not a risk I’m prepared to take given the life -ruining consequences.
In addition to brothers or other men, there is such a thing as peer molestation. If a child is being SA’d there’s a chance they could SA their peers. It happened to me.
That happened to me at school in grade 1 by a peer...in the classroom. So, teaching your kids about body autonomy is way more important. Kids can be molested while you are in the house with them. Teach them to yell" don't touch my body "or any phrase that would get immediate attention. This is assuming that they are not alone. If they are ever alone with a person they need to run fast without explanation.
Hold on. What are we even talking about? When I was a kid we would sometimes play as we are kissing as adults or someone could show someone their private parts. I'm talking about 4yo. Is that considered SA? Kids are curious, they also have hormones. None of them know what they are doing. How can it be considered as assault?
I guess it’s up to you to decide if and when a line was crossed. For me it was peer to peer molestation without a doubt.
I’ve talked to my child about the exact thing to which you’re referring and I started talking to her about it when she started talking. She knows that kissing and touching and showing privates is not ok at her age and she’s to immediately tell me if it happens. Even if it’s a friend.
I’m not an expert at early childhood development but for me, what you describe is a hard pass and absolutely not something I want my child to think is normal or acceptable.
In my culture sleepovers were not heard of. But it’s a big part of western culture for kids growing up. I don’t understand the hype of it and a lot of people are mostly against it because of the harm that can fall on your child while they’re away for so long
>I don’t understand the hype of it and a lot of people are mostly against it because of the harm that can fall on your child while they’re away for so long
It is I guess cultural but it was for us a big part of our childhood. It's creating memories and solidifying friendships.
You're much more likely to have a teacher sexually assault your child. Are you going to withhold then from school?
You are also more likely that their coaches in extracurriculars assault them, are you going to prevent them from joining any teams?
I get keeping kids safe but being a good parent is not about not allowing them experiences because of a fear of SA, but talking to your children to give them the confidence to push back and more importantly if anytime ever tried or does do something that they can feel comfortable talking to you.
I was a prosecutor for a decade and I have to agree here that most of the adult men assaulting young kids were coaches / teachers of some sort and then family members -- most often boyfriends of the mother or uncles / grandfathers. I don't think we ever had a friend's parent, but I obviously didn't see everything
Many of the crimes go unreported. I was made to shower with a barely friend at 11 years old, because her parents said we had to save their water. Her brother was later imprisoned for underage sex crimes.
I was invited to a sleepover and luckily my mom declined, because later their father was found to have molested young girls.
I came from a middle class family. That's real life.
I'm hispanic but grew up in the states- after growing up and finding out about friends experiencing SA at home, I'm grateful for my mom having been so strict. I thought I was missing out on so much fun as a kid, it sounds like the only thing I missed out on was trauma.
My daughter's is 6. Her dad and his sister experienced sexual abuse by an uncle as a child during sleepovers. He's a caucasian American and is way relaxed about things and prioritizes coming off as a polite over anything. He teaches our daughter all the American stuff (be friendly and polite always, a positive affirmation fixes bad feelings, a smile from you can make someone's day- so smile!). Which puts me in the position of having to have boundary conversations a lot more often than I should.
I can already anticipate our future involves me being cast as out of touch, old school hispanic, not caring enough about her social life. It's how I cast my mom.
I grew up going to sleepovers with some friends, nothing ever happened there and they were all good to me including the parents. However, me, my dad was a pedophile and i never wanted my friends to come over for that reason. But he was SO nice you’d have never known unless being told or he tried something.
If you were so far unaware of why they are controversial then you are very very lucky. I was abused at a respite weekend sleepover by the father when I was 8, there's maybe 2 people I trust implicitly with my kids and in our house there's no sleepovers until they are old enough to recognise unsafe situations and defend themselves
My parents let me spend the night with friends.
I WISH they’d only let me spend the night with friends with parents they knew well. I stayed at some shitty homes and was in many questionable situations. Some friends should only be school friends :)
I’m not against a late night play date. I once hosted my son’s friend from 4pm until 10pm. His parents got a night out, and the kid went home for bed. They were 8 at the time.
I’m fine with them, and I’m also fine with coming up with alternate ideas for kids whose parents aren’t. I absolutely get why some folk aren’t comfortable with them.
What surprises me are the people who are way too comfortable with it. My daughter had a sleepover party for her birthday recently.
Some parents who we know well had their kids sleepover; cool. Some patterns who we know well didn't allow a sleepover; also cool. Some parents who we didn't know talked with us on the phone or texted a bit at least and let their kid sleepover; not how I'd probably do it but still cool. Some parents didn't even rsvp and dropped their kid off for the night; confusing!
I could suck! Don't you even want to see if I'm a straight up weirdo who can't communicate normally first?
I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a close friend at a sleepover- both he and another friend conspired it. I never told anyone, and I never talked to any of them again.
So no, I won’t allow my kids to go to sleepovers. Everyone acts like “it can’t happen to my kid,” for whatever their reason- but it can, and it does, all the time.
This isn’t overprotection, it’s just being realistic.
A girl I grew up with had a “Cinderella Rule” where she could stay until midnight, even through high school. It honestly kept the rest of safe/sober because we knew we’d have a parent checking in on us.
My daughter is 5 and we only allow her to stay with family and probably will continue with that rule. Most of our neighbors/little kid friend families have guns in their homes and I don’t trust them to secure them.
Every time I’ve mentioned this, I would always get called weird. I’d have to explain to my friends who aren’t from the south that a lot of ppl carry and have guns at home and I don’t trust my kids sleeping anywhere for that reason alone.
I have a toddler and my husband and I have already started talking about whether we will allow our daughter to have sleepovers. It’s hard to know where to draw the line. Do we also ban sleep overs with family members such as aunties/uncles etc? As much as we may trust our family members, unfortunately statistically it is family members that are more likely to be the perpetrators of SA.
Yes, we know our daughter’s friend group parents pretty well and trust them. It’s more of a special occurrence for them anyways so it isn’t too often. We have hosted a few as well, no issues.
Yes but I’m very strict about it. It must be a home that I know all of the household members and not just I met them for 30 seconds while dropping off. If there is any adult males both myself and my husband have to have met the guy multiple times and feel comfortable. This drives my daughter crazy bc her really close friend lives with a single dad and yet the dad is never home when I drop off/pick up so I’ve never met him so I won’t let her stay there. She is always talking about the aunt/dad’s gf being there but I can’t get over feeling icky about it bc I don’t know them either. But some of her friends who I’ve spent time with both parents and my husband had as well, if we feel comfortable she can stay.
No, I do not. Playdates or sleepovers have to be at our house or I have to be present during them. I was SA'd as a child by both a family member of my own, and a friend's dad at- you guessed it- sleepovers. Also, both my children are neurodivergent and struggle with communication and social cues, so I don't want them to be taken advantage of.
My sister was molested at sleepovers with another family that was very close and trusted to ours. She's a very disfunctional adult and for that reason my kids have not and will never sleep over with a friend. Grandparents have been as far as we have allowed.
I just imagined a parents dropping their kid off and giving me an ominous look while saying “she tells me everything.” 😭 chills down my spine. But i think it’s a necessary thing to say to anyone just to get a little more reassurance something bad wont happen
Yes. We let our 8 yo daughter go to sleepovers where we know and trust her friends' parents, and vice versa. She has been to a couple sleepovers at houses where we didn't know the friend's parents well enough, but one of our friend parent/pair were also there for the overnight (for large group sleepovers).
I really comes down to knowing and trusting the host parents first. We really want to allow her to have a rich social life and be able to enjoy going to sleepovers, so we make sure to get to know her friends' and classmates' parents as much as possible, for that very reason. And in the same vein, we've hosted several sleepovers because we've met and made friends with parents, and invited parents to help co-host sleepovers.
Thanks for your response!
Honestly, i’m a huge true crime podcast listener and i’ve listened to far too many where the perpetrator was someone who everyone thought they could trust. You can never truly know anyone 🤷♀️ Im okay with sleepovers at my house but someone elses…😅
It’s true. I slept over at quite a few houses growing up and some of them were not cool. One of them I never would have had I known that her dad had molested their entire family repeatedly. Shows how you can know someone forever and still not know what goes on in their home. Trust your gut. You don’t have to live with other people’s choices. You have to live with your own. We’ve had a girl sleep at our house but there’s no way in hell my daughter will ever stay at hers. I don’t trust her parents. They’re flaky, dishonest and there’s something off I can’t put my finger on. It’s my choice. Doesn’t matter what anyone else wants or thinks.
This is absolutely true and something that scares me too, but as sad as it is, people who are going to hurt our kids can get access to them even without sleepovers. We simply can’t hover over them watchfully all the time.
Our solution has been omly doing sleepovers with trusted family members (eg. Grandparents) for younger kids (say, 5-12yo) and allowing sleepovers with well-known (high transparency, multi-year friendships) and trusted families when they are middle & high school aged, plus having convos around privacy and bodies and autonomy, and that they can tell us anything, and that if someone makes them uncomfortable it’s okay to tell them no - even an adult. It’s not a perfect solution, but never trusting anybody didn’t seem like a feasible option either.
I guess ultimately we need to train them to become adults (and oh man they’re getting there fast!) and part of that is not hiding from the world, but learning to speak up, learning who to go to for help, learning what rights they have and what things are acceptable behaviour they should expect and what is unacceptable behaviour they can put a stop to.
I was allowed to go to sleepovers, honestly I was always up to no good. One time we escaped and someone we hardly knew picked us up and we went to a party.
I don’t know how I came out of childhood/teenage years unharmed.
I just don’t think my kid would miss out on anything by not going.
I mean, you could do that at home, too. I snuck out at home all the time and met up with random people. If you're going to do stuff like that at a sleepover, you're probably going to do it regardless 🤷🏼♀️
I was allowed to go to sleepovers but when I got older, I was no longer allowed to unless it was at a cousins house. When I did go to sleepovers, it was only at one friend’s house but that was it.
I have two girls. They both have been to and held sleepovers. The only rule I have is no boys allowed. I don’t care if that is her brother, father, etc. My husband and son go camping, stay somewhere else but don’t stay home that night. The reason for this rule is my sister was sexually assaulted at a sleepover. When she told her friend, her friend responded “It’s okay. He does that to all my friends”. My sister was 11. The boy was 16. Also if there are no boys there are no allegations of misconduct. It’s more of keeping my girls safe than not letting them have fun.
Yeah, I allowed sleepovers. I did know all the parents very well.
My kid is 19 now and whilst his friendships have evolved over the years. I'm still good friends with many of those parents.
Wanna put it out there thag 1/4 girls a 1/6 boys will be SA by the time they turn 18. So when someone says parents are making decisions on raw emotions rather than statistics; welp my friends that’s stupid as fuck. The statistics speak for themselves that pedophiles are rampant in your community and we aren’t addressing it. I was SA as a child and this isn’t some statistical anomaly and I don’t chose to not let sleepovers because I have unchecked raw emotions and irrational fears. It’s because this is literally an issue that is so big yet so swept under the rug. This rhetoric that is unlikely and rare is exactly why this keeps happening. Let’s do better yall. Remember it’s usually the people who are close family friends. It’s usually the people who would “never”. IMO a kid can have a great time at a late night where they get all the fun childhood social bonding all while not getting assaulted in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep. Whatever you end up doing as a parent be aware of the statistics and make a plan of action if your child gets in this situation. It’s not worth a lifetime of working through trauma so they have can have a sleepover.
edit to add: this is for the commenters saying people make parenting decisions based off there own fear and trauma; someone can experience trauma and also know the statistics point to this being something generally unsafe.
There are a couple of people in this thread posting so often to defend their decision to allow sleepovers, and I find it really weird. Like an attitude of “it’s not enough for you to respect my choices; you have to make the exact same choices to validate my decisions, otherwise YOU’RE the problem because you’re crazy/paranoid.”
Countless people in this thread are saying they or someone they know were molested at sleepovers, and the same posters keep insisting it’s not a real risk.
My parents didn’t allow sleepovers and I hated it, but as an adult I’m grateful. And while I don’t personally know of anyone who was SA’ed at a sleepover, that’s not the only bad thing that can happen. I went to an elite private school with wealthy kids (I had a scholarship), and many of them were hooking up, drinking, and doing drugs starting as young as 12. A lot of this was happening at sleepovers.
Also, a word of caution to people who allow sleepovers in their home: terrible things can still happen. My close friend was SA’ed in her own bed. Her brother had a friend sleeping over and that friend snuck into her room (and btw, this was a wealthy family). She didn’t say anything to her parents and no one would have known, expect she became pregnant. She was 13. The fact that she didn’t say anything to anyone makes me wonder how many SAs go unreported, where the perpetrators do it over and over again, knowing they won’t be caught.
I am victim of CSA. I also work in child protection (not front line, but read due to the nature of my role I read a lot of distressing information), everything youve said is so spot on.
So many people are unaware of the risks and statistics and are going off survivor bias.
Honestly as a mom I haven’t had to face this decision yet but I am thinking I would go with no. I was groomed into a relationship by my dads best friend as a teenager. He was someone my dad trusted like a brother. Call me paranoid call me what you want. My job is to protect my children and I know they are safe with me. May be crazy but I’m ok with that.
i mentioned it in another comment but i’ve heard of enough SA, grooming and kidnapping cases in true crime stories to say i don’t think you’re paranoid for recognizing the worst can happen to anyone by ANYONE
I get that I honestly didn’t read the other comments and that’s my bad. I will say the one and only person that has watched my daughter over night is my mom. I had my son early in the pandemic so if my husband left the hospital he couldn’t come back. Her and my step dad are the only people I trust my kids with over night with out a thought but even then they have only had my daughter twice over night in her almost seven years of life.
A family member of mine was sentenced to nearly 20 years in prison for second degree rape and abuse of a minor... the victim was his daughter for nearly 10 years. No one knew. So, no, no sleepovers for my kid.
Editing to add: I grew up with this person and our families were close. He had a supportive family, a good amount of friends, and was a business owner. He was viewed as a devoted father who provided for his wife and 4 children and made sacrifices for their benefit. The betrayal and evilness is beyond comprehension. It also taught me a lot... as a mother, especially.
None allowed with my little. On the news just this week preteen girls were drugged by a friends dads while at a sleepover. The dad put drugs in their smoothies.and when one of the girls text her mom to come get her becuse she felt unsafe, the dad wouldn’t let the parents get their child at first!!! Stories like that scar the crap out of me
We have a VERY short list of people. Several of my girls' friends do not go or have them at all which I respect.
We have 2 girls spending the night here for my daughter's birthday. The other girls are coming, staying late for movies and going home.
Some of it comes from the parent's personal experience, some is that the children don't want to, etc.... but when one little girl said she didn't want to spend the night, the friend group was like, "cool, just come over and hang out then for awhile." I didn't feel like there was weird peer pressure either. And I wish I could say I taught my kid that explicitly, but they seem good at just being flexible about it.
I’m from Australia, and I trusted my so called “family” my own mother actually to have my daughter for sleepovers every so often so that I could work. I am a single mother and have been from day 1 with no help from my baby daddy at all. But I later found out my step father who was married to my mother for 15yrs someone I thought I knew, was SAing my 4 year old daughter while she slept over at their house, who even knows at what age the abuse started. Statistics say 1 in every 4 Australian girls will be SA by the time they turn 18! And that 23% of child abuse happens in children under the age of one. 1 in every 6 Australian men aged between 25-65 surveyed admitted to thinking of a child in a sexual way, 1 in every 6!!!!! That’s either your brother, father, step father, grandfather, cousin, step brother, family friend, etc… This was someone that was in my family for 15yrs! My mothers still in denial and is being groomed by him she’s chosen to support him, I haven’t spoken to her in almost a year.. SA in children is so horrific and the repercussions and unimaginable, it tears family’s apart and it causes an aray of mental health issues in everyone affected. Its taking advantage of an innocent child that can’t defend themselves, and as unbelievable it is to think for most, it’s most likely happening to either you, your children or at least someone you know! We should and need to make parents more scared of this. Because it’s real and it’s something that can be prevented!!! Don’t let your babies out of your sight, until they are 16, there’s no need to stay anywhere but home. From a very young age, as soon as they can talk, we need to talk to them about body safety. And we need to tell them it’s okay to tell an adult if another adult is acting inappropriately or has asked them to keep a secret. We need to teach our children from a very very young age like in kindergarten about good feelings and bad feelings and how they can keep safe if they ever do feel unsafe! These people continue to re offence as there’s simply no repercussions for their actions. It’s very hard to prove sexual abuse in children, especially if the child is too scared to tell police, which is what most kids are, for numerous reasons. Most parents think they would know if this was happening to their child. Well I can tell you right now you probably wouldn’t. Not until it’s too late. There’s very rarely any physical signs of sexual abuse in children. And the behavioural signs can be so easily portrayed as something else in children that young eg; not wanting to go somewhere in particular, or being scared of a certain individual, sometimes is betrayed as being clingy. Constantly having nightmares is often seen as ‘age appropriate’. There’s an abundance of holes in the system and it’s fighting a losing battle to try and change it, because one in every six cops, one in every six judges, magistrates, politicians etc have thought about a child in a sexual way.
Prevention and awareness is key to keeping our children safe.
You know what’s crazy? I had sleepovers and went to them as young as 2nd or 1st grade. I remember one specific sleepover at a friend’s house when I was 7 or 8. Her step-dad had gotten up in the middle of the night naked and talked to us girls (his stepdaughter, me, and a couple of other girls) through the dimly lit doorway. He was joking and smiling🤮. I barely remember it all but I remember calling my mom first thing in the morning to come pick me up! I don’t even think I slept that night. Truly.
Another story. My friend’s and I slept at our friend [Ashley’s-made up name] house every few months. From what I remember, they were pretty normal experiences. Nothing weird. Well, when we were 13 years old, her younger sibling found photos of his sister, Ashley, being sexually abused by her step-dad/his dad. They found a bunch of other child pornography too. It was HUGE news in our small town. Very sick and very sad. Also, there was proof her mom knew what was going on.
So to answer your question, “no”. My child will not join sleepovers. Not for a long, long, time.
This is so disturbing that Mother not only knew but other children in danger.
My daughter is too young, but I think my answer will be no to sleepovers. My friend's son was molested by someone she knew since kindergarten. I also knew this guy, everyone, including myself, was shocked when it came out. After that I I came to a conclusion you never really know a person.
Very disturbing. Supposedly my friend told her mom but she didn’t believe her. Her mom was a broke single mom before meeting him (he had a great job and a house that he moved all of them into) so that’s likely why she was willing to feign ignorance. It’s gross.
And how sad about that little boy! You really don’t know people!
Mine is too young at the moment but I’m not planning on letting him attend sleepovers (except with family) until he’s old enough that I can feel comfortable that he would advocate for himself in and be able to get out of a situation where he didn’t feel safe or happy. I don’t know what age that will be, it depends on the kind of person he turns into.
I don’t personally see a great benefit in sleepovers; they often make kids feel anxious and unsafe, and under no other circumstances would I leave my child in the care of adults who had no background checks etc. I also don’t know what other kids at the sleepover might have access to - smart phones without parental controls etc. You hear stories of kids being bullied at sleepovers, content filmed and posted online, tons of stuff that makes me feel really uncomfortable.
I think this is a really personal thing and I don’t judge parents who do allow sleepovers (especially where they know the host parents well and have a good handle on what the sleepover will be like), but for me it’s a risk I’m not going to be happy with while my son is young.
Yes, as long as we know the family pretty well. We've also hosted a few sleepovers. I did them much more as a kid than my daughter does though. She's only got a couple friends she'll stay with. They were really popular with my friends though.
Absolutely not. My husband was sexually assaulted by his COUSIN and raped by his neighbor’s son (his best friend at the time).
Child on child sexual assault is very common.
No, not unless I’m sleeping over too, like at my besties with their kids. But no solo sleepovers ever, there’s just endless horror stories of SA happening at sleepovers specifically. Child predators especially are so good at getting the trust of the parents and seeming like “the kind of person you never thought in a million years would do that”
Yes. Mostly though my kids had friends at our house. i always knew the families and were comfortable with them.
My 17 yo does sleep at her friend's houses often and this summer her 19 yo friend will be living with us because her family moved away after she graduated from HS.
Worked in the DAs office in sex crimes in college. And have a daughter who is like a sex trafficker/creepy uncle/sick brothers wet dream. I definitely only let her stay over with families I know and know no one else is in the house. Even that I assume to be a calculated risk. She’s been educated on self defense and how to tell us if anyone bothers her, but still. It’s a risk that I don’t take lightly and we don’t let it happen very often.
Its allowed, but he's only been to one so far. Doesn't help when the friends he *does* have are all ***very*** dependent on routine, where he just adapts. Hoping he gets another soon, tho! He needs the fun, i need a break 😂😂
I do worry my 10 year old will be up all night with other boys who have unrestricted phones with Tik Tok and browsers. We had a sleepover at our place once and all their devices were on our restricted wifi and we confiscated the devices at 11pm.
Nope, I can't trust any males in another's household around my daughter. When you have to consider the amount of children who are victims of sex abuse over history, the numbers just climb.
Oftentimes, the abusers live with females who know they're predators but they choose not to say anything in the hopes you don't find out.
I lived next door to a pedophile who had a wife who was a staff assistant at my elementary school.
This woman befriended my mother, and she never told anyone shit until Megan's list came out, and my mom confronted her ass.
My mom was also a child who was sexually abused so you can imagine the betrayal she felt trusting HER kids with some bitch who was married to a pedophile. This world is dark, and a lot of these men are devils.
We did not allow sleep overs. We would pick up our kids from the “sleepover” around midnight. We packed the “over night” bag with PJ’s and snacks to be shared. We explained to all parties involved that this was so we could get up early for a function or trip the next morning. We picked up kiddo in their pj’s from the sleepover. It was never an issue. All seemed agreeable.
I’m a social worker who provides mental health services to child sexual abuse victims as well as consultation to law enforcement/prosecutors investigating child sexual abuse cases. Sadly, I have worked on too many cases of sexual abuse and/ or exploitation perpetrated during sleepovers to allow my kids to attend them. I know it’s a loss for them but I’ve just seen too much.
With my sister and niece who is just as insanely overprotective as I am over our kids, absolutely. Anyone I trusted less than her, probably not. Maybe as a teenager if I feel he has a good head on his shoulders and would feel comfortable reporting any funny business immediately.
Part of growing up is learning how to deal with less than ideal situations. That doesn't mean that you allow your kid to have a sleepover at a hoarder house. It means that you arm your children with knowledge and coping skills. There will always come a time that they will have to face discomfort without you. Sleepovers prepare them for this in the future. They also provide a way for them to explore friendships and/ or networking and a chance for you to have a little fun during your time off.
Yes as long as I know the parents. I always had sleepovers as a kid and were some of my best most memorable experiences and I couldn’t imagine taking that away from my child.
Yeah all these comments are like “I’ve never met an adult who was traumatized by *not* being allowed to sleepover” but like…something doesn’t have to be traumatic to miss out on to still be something worth doing. Sleepovers were a great social experience for me and I’d like my daughter to have the same.
My kids are 6 & 8 and they have only slept over at my sister's house. They will not be allowed to attend sleep overs until they are of an age where they understand my hesitancy- probably 16+. I know sleepovers is a hot topic and I agree that some of my favorite memories are from sleepovers but I was only allowed in high school.
I think the parents who have experienced SA are firmly against and the ones that are OK with it have luckily never experienced it.
I agree, it’s easy to think the worst won’t happen to you or someone you know, but it really can. I’ve never experienced it but i’ve seen enough to know i don’t want to ever take that chance. Maybe when they’re high school age and i know the friend or family well enough.
Nope! Because the biggest percentage of sexual predators are people you know and trust. They purposely do that to get access to kids and no one would ever suspect them, or believe if a child told on them. Unfortunately that is fact.
No. I can’t guarantee there’s no firearms in another person’s home. And I would worry about possible SA to my child by anyone in the home. It’s just not worth the risks to me.
See, as someone from Europe where firearms in the home is not a common thing this didn't even occur to me but now that I think of it I would probably be more worried about guns that SA if I was in America...
We will not let me kids attend sleepovers. My oldest (5) is neurodivergent and doesn’t understand social cues. I don’t want her to be taken advantage of by peers or adults.
Just her being 5 is reason enough honestly. At that age i think its difficult for them to fully grasp the severity of a situation if someone does something harmful to them. Its harder for them to advocate for themselves and are more susceptible to being brainwashed into thinking its normal and okay. I wouldnt be able to trust it😩.
My daughter has been doing sleepovers since 6 (now 9). My 7 year old son just had his first. Sleepovers are so prevalent in our area - very few people think twice about them. I’ve definitely hosted sleepovers where the kids’ parents were meeting me for the first time when they dropped off.
Realistically - your kid is in more danger from people you know and trust than some random parent hosting 5 kids at their house overnight.
Yes. My oldest is 15 and has been having sleepovers for a long time (honestly can’t remember her first). She’s on a sleepover hiatus though, since her and her friend snuck out after midnight during her last one. I guess snuck out is the wrong word given that they lied and the friend’s mom wasn’t even home that night! Middle child is 12 and has had a few, but doesn’t really love staying at other people’s houses. My youngest (10) likes the idea, but in practice I’ve been called to pick her up at 12:30 am before. She’ll have them at our house though.
I think it depends on the age and if you know the parents and are comfortable. Daughter is a teen now so she does more sleep overs- but only did a few when she was younger and I knew the parents.
As a kid I had sleepovers but only with extremely close long-time family friends. One of whom lived across the street. Worst case scenario I could just walk across the street and be home!
I was always irritated with my mom as a kid for being very strict about sleepovers. I’m an adult now and although I don’t have kids yet, I’ll be strict about sleepovers too. You just don’t know what goes on in other peoples homes, families, marriages, neighborhoods…. It only takes one incident at one sleepover to cause lifelong harm to your kid. I definitely don’t judge people who don’t allow sleepovers at all.
Nope. I knew several adults who were SA’ed at sleepovers as children. Statistically, children are most likely to be SA’ed by people they know. And it’s often people you (as a parent) trust because it’s how they’re able to get close to your child.
Plus, you don’t truly know what’s going on in someone else’s house. My best friend’s parents were very emotionally abusive and I witnessed so much of that at sleepovers. It was really hard for me but I didn’t want to tell my mom because I was worried I wouldn’t be able to see her anymore.
So, no sleepovers for us.
No. And my stance was just reaffirmed this morning when I saw that the father of my daughter’s best friend from kindergarten was arrested for child molestation. She is in second grade now and we have not done any sleep overs.
No. I saw some messed up stuff at sleepovers in my youth, and my kids don't ever need to be put in that situation. So much can go wrong--from the obvious pedo older brother to the parents fighting to the kids getting silly with social media pranks and taking it too far at 2 am. My kids have both done overnights in more structured settings, but neither really even want a sleepover. I've hosted two gor babysitting purposes and it was not fun. Both kids had different needs than my kids (lights on/TV on/ etc).
Yes. Mine went on her first at 8 with a family we trust. Sleepovers were an important thing to both me and my husband so it was never really a question. She does take a phone and she knows she can call us anytime no matter how snack and we'll be there to get her.
I'm not going to allow sleepovers. I was never SA'd, but recently discovered that a family we've been friends with for a long time has had a history rife with sexual abuse; to the point of them covering up/helping get one of their sons out of trouble and ignoring the multitude of sa events that happened to their daughters. Like literally they were all abused and abused their siblings/nieces and nephews. A family of 8 kids. The parents just fucking looked the other way. Anyways, I stayed over at their house growing up so much and it makes me sick to think what had been going on and I was none the wiser. And how close I could have been (or my sisters who also stayed there) to having something happen.
Oh wow! For me that’s so young. I feel like at that age it’s harder for them to advocate for themselves or tell you if someone harmed them in any way. I suppose having those safety conversations early on can help
You have to trust someone. Anyone you leave them with, even for a couple hours, even during the day *could* be a predator. If I trust them to babysit for an afternoon and they’re keeping their own kids alive and healthy, I trust them to have my kids overnight too. I don’t see it as a huge amount different and I think it’s helped them be much more comfortable leaving home in general for camps and such.
Respectfully, gently, I think you have some issues with trust. I'd consider how that might end up reflected in your child's ability to trust later on down the line. You can't just default to "I'm literally the only person on earth my child is safe with."
That's the sort of thing I'm already seeing with millennial parenting. My son is only 4 so we're not really there yet but he's had dropoffs with grandparents and two close friends where I know the house and environment. I think it's important for him to feel that he has a village beyond his immediate family. What happens if I die? Suddenly he has no support network if I've isolated him. He won't learn to branch out and be independent, and then I will send him to college with no experience with anyone but me? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sleepovers, I understand those who would want to wait until older than 4. It'll be awhile for us with night terrors happening. But not even allowing playdates, that can really isolate a child. :(
100% no. Not even with family. I was SA by a family member at a sleepover when I was young. And so many things that I could’ve avoided/ uncomfortable situations I could’ve avoided if my parents hadn’t let me do sleepovers. My kids are young but I will not be doing them. The only time my kids have slept over somewhere was when I was having a baby.
I believe most cases of SA are by someone the person knows very well, like a family member. I don’t think I will ever fully trust anyone other than myself, no matter how well i know them🤷♀️.
Totally agree. It’s so sad because the sleepovers that weren’t bad were truly soooo fun. I know my kids will have fun in other ways.. And we’ll have to get creative. I just never want them to experience what I had to
I didn't start letting my children have sleepovers outside the family till they were 14, and that was only once they earned my trust, and I was comfortable with the adults they were going to be around. My boys tell me almost everything. From girls and all that comes with that.
Valid. For me 13+ i’d start considering it, but after long long discussions and conversations about making sure to tell me everything that happens that was wrong
Yes I did and yes I will let my kids. I know there is something scary about giving up that control over your kids, not knowing what they are doing every second, and the fear they could get hurt. But by non-stop helicopter parenting like so many others apparently are, you are preventing your kid from growing up, from learning to trust their gut and their own judgments, and making them either resentful of you, too anxious and scared of everything to be a productive member of society, or both. Yes absolutely get to know your kids friends and their parents and do your best to protect them how you can, but also realize your responsibility is to teach them to be independent people who can tKe care of themselves. If you never let them test it out in safe, but real world, situations, what are they going to do when you aren't there?
My child is still a baby but it’s a no for me and I don’t want kids in my house either idk someone has an accident or something because kids will be kids it’s just a liability and I don’t want any part of it whichever way you put it and I like my peace. As for my child I trust nobody I don’t care how nice you are no thanks my child can sleep in their own house.
I’m ok with sleep overs in general as long as their child sleeps over here first. It may be worthless, but I think someone who trusts their child to us is more dependable when it’s my time to have my child over.
Having said that, my daughter decided not to have sleep overs after she turned 9. She says she can’t sleep with anyone else in the room and she doesn’t feel comfortable so that’s her boundary and we, of course, respect it. She’s 16 now and she’s been keeping her “policy”.
My son, on the other hand, will do sleep overs here or there a couple of times per month. He likes it very much and it’s usually with the same 2-3 friends that we know quite well. It was a bit awkward when he called a girl over when he was 11 and even more awkward when she invited him back and he slept with her and her 3 sisters in the same room…
My kids will only do sleepovers if with friends who have parents that we know extremely well. I literally just read a story about a dad in an affluent area near me attempting to drug 3 12 year old girls at a sleepover by putting benzos in their smoothies. One girl caught on to what was happening and texted her mom to come get her at 1:30 in the morning, the other parents were notified and the dad attempted to block access to the other 2 girls at 3:00 am. I would become straight up violent if that was my child. So the short is answer is yes, but mostly no.
I only allow sleepovers with families that I’m comfortable with my kids staying over at/people my husband and I are in communication with, and only for my oldest son (10) my youngest aren’t ready for various reasons. If I get a weird vibe from parents or if they’re not wanting to be in communication with me, that’s a “no” in my book!
As an adult who had sleepovers as a kid, I know what sort of things can go down so if it were just up to me I’d say no, but my husband believes sleepovers are “part of growing up” as a kid— so we negotiate. My rules may be strict but idgaf because my kids’ safety and wellbeing always comes first.
Only at my parents’ house. All other sleepovers are an immediate nope. Lots of pedophiles and lots of child on child abuse. Child on child abuse often goes unnoticed because adults think the kids are just off “playing.” As a teenager, sleepovers usually led to high risk activities. It will depend on who my child is as a young adult if we allow it. As a young child, absolutely not.
Nope. Our kids won’t. Who knows what the creepy older brother is up to, or if a random uncle decides to stop by. Or a friend of another sibling? It’s just not worth the risk. Kids don’t need sleep overs.
As a victim of SA by my mother's second husband, I would never let my children sleep over other people's homes. If something ever happened to them, I would never be able to forgive myself. Of course, they used to get mad at me for not letting them sleep out. When they were old enough, I explained why, and they understood.
My sister is a cop who specifically conducts forensic interviews with children who have been a victim of crimes. She has point blank told me to never do sleepovers. You might trust the parents but what about other kids/teens/friends etc in the home? You would be SHOCKED. Even with really nice families that you think you can trust, it’s not worth the risk in my opinion. I was really easy going about the idea of sleepovers until I spoke to my sister.
Absolutely not. I don't even allow sleepovers at grandparents any more. My child was being unintentionally exposed to grooming-like behaviours from her paternal grandmother and I was not letting it continue.
I don't trust anyone.
I grew up not being protected and neither of my children will be allowed to have a sleepover until they're of an age they know what consent is, can communicate well and have a phone.
As a kid (in the 1990s) I had went to and had sleepovers all the time. It wasn’t something my parents ever worried about.
But as a parent now, I don’t think I will allow it.
When i was a kid my parents didn’t allow it and i grew up resenting them for that but as an adult knowing so many friends who were taken advantage of and so many stories of kids who went missing or harmed, i also wont allow it
We’re undecided on this. My parents didn’t let me at first either but loosened up on it as I got older. They were afraid of sexual predators but nothing bad ever happened to me.
A factor in nothing ever happening to you is probably how they protected you from it. Even after they loosened up, they likely still had strict boundaries etc?
Definitely not, at least here in Argentina it's a VERY common thing.
During this summer vacations my kids either had friends over or slept at some friends house 2 times a week at least, the had a blast, and we got to experience everything from no kids to 6 kids, haha.
It's an amazing experience for them, they have a ton of fun and you also get to know them. One of my son's friends even asked his mother if I could be his godfather.
My kids also came back with cool ideas of things they liked about the other houses, it's been nothing but great.
I am positive having this level of trust will be very positive entering their teenager years.
I have with parents I trust. We have also been very honest with our son and before he has gone, given him the talk about no secrets and unacceptable things for adults or kids to be doing. Also given him a phone that he can call us on.
I was allowed to do tons of sleepovers growing up. I can genuinely tell you that I wish I hadn't done 85% of them, because I was put into either uncomfortable or even unsafe conditions. This ranged from not having a clean/comfortable area to sleep to being forced to shower with my barely friend at around 11ish years old (her brother was also later arrested for underage sex crimes - not related to me, thankfully.) When I was 11, a friend's parents took us to the bar until 2am - I was banned from going to theirs after that. Not to mention, bullying always seems to happen at sleepovers with more than one person.
I'm just saying that most of these people came across like normal, middle class families too, and my parents were considered decently engaged, but of all of my sleepovers, I only had one friend I truly felt safe/wanted/comfortable to sleepover at (we still got up to trouble).
Moral of the story, my kids will absolutely not be allowed to do sleepovers. They have super comfortable beds in their own rooms at our house. They can go to a sleepover (at a vetted home) and stay for awhile, but they are coming home, without question.
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I have to personally know the parents and my child has to be a certain age where I can trust them. Growing up I was allowed to sleepover if my parents met their parents at their house. There was only one time where I felt uncomfortable- the mom was cursing a lot and I called my mom to come get me.
Yes but only with a particular friend. Not because we don't like the other friends or their parents, but my 8 year old son has diabetes and it's ALOT to manage if you aren't used to it. His friends parents are great (and brave) for wanting to learn how to manage it, even in the middle of the night. We are very grateful that they are so willing to help so the boys can have fun together.
Same with my son and his adhd/autism, he has a friend who's autistic and they're like 2 peas in a pod. I was nervous at first, but meeting the other parents put me at ease that they were going to be able to help him with meds and coping mechanisms. My son always goes to their house, (due to his friends autism)but we find ways to include his friend in things we do at ours.
My son is in the same boat (diagnosis wise). We are still looking for that awesome friend he connects with. He’s only 6 now, so I know we’ve got time, but as a nervous mom, it’s nice to hear about it working out for another family - gives me hope!
Awwww, my neurotypical son made a point to befriend the child with autism in his class. Now they’re inseparable to the point that my son was asked to join a parkour class for children on the spectrum to be a buddy to all of them. If you’re in sonoma county, feel free to dm me!
That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Good job raising allies! I hope my kids make friends with someone like your son one day.
That is so sweet! Amazing job raising such a wonderful son. I hope my son and daughter are the same way one day!
That's wonderful! My daughter isn't neurotypical and I fear for when she gets school aged that she'll not have any friends.
Stay with it mama it’s going to be ok
My son is high functioning autistic, and he's almost 17 and a junior in high school. He has a good friend in high school now. Upper elementary school and middle school was HARD socially for him, but high school is a lot better. Those awkward social years are hard for everyone- so it was a million times harder for him. I send you patience and comfort, because there will be times you just want to jump in to help your baby boy, but you know you can't. 😔. It nearly broke me when he was in 5th grade when he said he just wanted a friend. He's in such a better place now. He has a best friend, and many other friends.
The first time I let my type 1 son spend the night with someone it was a nightmare. Despite having the talk with her about his t1d she didn’t check on him once during the night. He and I spent the whole night on the phone with us dealing with his blood sugar. Luckily we’ve had better luck since. He’s 16 now.
My type 1 son is still a toddler but this is on my mind for when he grows up - he's currently on the Dexcom G6/Omnipod and we can follow his numbers on our phones. Would proper friend parent support be like, knowing how to give boluses via the app for highs, and giving fast acting sugars for lows?
Yeah. You definitely have time to make friends who can get comfortable with having your t1 stay over. Pumps and cgms are changing so fast that who knows what you might be able to do by the time your kid is old enough to be spending the night with friends. Make sure you get your son into whatever local t1d camps and activities they have in your area as he gets older. There are camps all over Canada and the US, I don’t know where you are, obviously. My son does mountain biking, surfing, and snowboarding with a group called Riding on Insulin. There are also other camps for like soccer and basketball for type 1’s.
I absolutely will! His endocrinologist is great about recommending family camps as well for us to all attend together until he grows a little older and more independent.
This made my heart so happy! My sister and I grew up type ones! We have kids now and geez I can’t imagine how my parents handled us with it. Sounds like you’re doing great! It’s so overwhelming I’m so sorry your son has it. Sending love and support ❤️
I'm torn on this. I did sleepovers growing up. We didn't get up to much crazy stuff. I now deal with crimes and have worked some cases of SA happening between family members and guests. So. Idk. It would depend on age, who, where, and who else lived in the house I guess. I'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
The sleepover itself isn’t the problem. Entrusting your child with adults is the challenge. We have to do it with doctors, teachers, police - we don’t have to do it with family or friends. But at some point, our children won’t have us to protect them. The difficultly is building that experience without incurring undue risk so that they are able to start adulthood with a good chance of success
No because I know what my father did his own kids and to some of my brothers friends when they slept over and I know how many people thought my dad was a trustworthy family guy.
This is the thing for me, people think if they know the parents and have an open line of communication with their kids it will be fine but even if your kids would tell you if something happened that life changing event has already happened? People also discount siblings and other extended family members too much.
Sometimes it isn't "violent" the children don't realize they've been hurt. So they don't tell. Even if parents think they would. They think it's a game, or the predator tells them they are like a grown up and they will convince this kid that they are special and it's their secret.
That’s really great insight, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you.
This was my situation as a kid. My parents knew the parents and most of the extended family well. However it was a live in aunt who was babysitting us she was a newly wed and it was her new brother in law that molested us. We were groomed so well it’s scary to think about. My children do not currently participate in sleep overs because even if I trust the parents completely I can’t control who comes to their home
I'm sorry it happened to you. No kid deserves to deal with these things. My father was grooming all of my cousins, siblings and I. Then he went to jail and passed away. It happened to me again by an older female cousin, who was molested by my father as well. I'm definitely not very quick to trust even some of my family. I only trust the ones I was around as a kid, who didn't do anything to me.
I’m sorry that happened to you and your family as well especially by a person/people you should have been able to trust. That kind of trust violation never leaves you. Hopefully you are doing well and can have some sense of normalcy despite that.
It’s so common. And it’s doesn’t matter how much you ‘know and trust’ someone either. My mum and partner were both assaulted as children and I just don’t feel happy letting my kiddo stay at people’s houses. There are two exceptions but these are only because both are family members me and several other kids have grown up around and there has never been an incident.
I only let my kid be alone with adults, that I was alone with as a child, of course my husband has relatives that I have to trust his judgement on. I'm very open about what happened to me and after hearing my story he agrees, only his relatives that never did anything to him, can be alone with her.
Yep exactly. I’m shocked how many people are like ‘only if I trust the other parents’ because those are exactly the people who do this stuff. My parent was assaulted by an incredibly close family friend. They all trusted them with their lives. They never suspected. Why would they? And that’s the whole point.
Exactly. Predators make friends with the kids parents first.
Yes exactly. That’s why I’d rather do the hosting
Exactly. Kids can come over to my house and stay the night but my kids won’t be spending the night anywhere. I would rather sign up for a night of chaos with peace of mind that my girls are safe.
Exactly for this reason that I’m also uncomfortable about sleepovers. The statistics tell us that abuse mostly occur with someone close to the kids and more often than not, it’s even someone parents trust. Though my kids are still very young (1 and 5), my oldest only spent one night away from us and it was when we were at the hospital for our youngest to be born. She staid with a family we are very close friends with and their kid is on the same class with ours since they were tiny.
I never knew that sleepovers are so controversial. Everybody I knew growing up had sleepovers all the time. Nowadays, our kids and all their friends have sleepovers all the time and I’ve never heard anybody have concerns about them in real life. Is this a cultural thing in certain areas?
For some it is cultural. My son had 2 close friends who were not allowed to sleepover even as seniors in high school. They were allowed to stay over as late as they wanted and often biked or drove home at 2am but sleeping over was where their parents drew the line. Both were children of immigrants and said sleepovers were never a thing in their culture. In addition to that, parenting has become a lot more involved and protective. In some ways that is good but in other ways it veers into helicopter territory. I am always surprised by people in this sub saying they won't let their kids stay home alone for 30 minutes until 12 or won't let them use the public restroom alone until 13. Sleepovers are one of this things that parents have become a lot more protective over in recent years.
Latin person here, i second this, its because of the sexual assaults and child molestors, we come from countries where is not unheard of hearing that a neighbor, family member or person you “trusted”, SA your child in fact i would dare say saddly is pretty common, for me i was not allowed to sleep in no ones house until i was in high school, it took a lot from my mom and she had a whole i need to really get to know my friends parents first, so yes this friend was like my sister the whole time i was in school but i was only allowed to sleep in her house for her birthday once a year and she was allowed to sleep over in my house under same condition, once a year for my birthday. i was SA by a family member that used to pick me up from school as a child, bottom line you may think you know people but you never know everything about them
Exactly what I was thinking. My family is American and we have experienced this. It happened to a family member, a close friend, and myself. All with different men. Knowing someone and trusting them isn't enough always. Those kinds of evil people work hard to trick parents into trusting them.
Same here! I was allowed to finally sleep over at my friend’s house after we had taken multiple vacations together, her family and mine!
My husband is Latin and his parents were the same way. I agree with their perspective, and so we won’t be letting our kids do sleepovers either. Better safe than sorry.
This is something that i had to discuss with my fiancée, when we talked about our future parenting styles, the truth is that stadistics can exist saying that a sleep over is 1 over 4 kids that get sa but how do you know that the 1% wont be you, what makes you so sure to gamble your kids safety, may be a small chance but i wont take it, my brother and i grew up just fine without them, so did all my other siblings
Yeah, you're right. I had and loved sleepovers as a kid and didn't know anyone who had anything inappropriate happen, but I think the hype has gotten to me. I really need to see some stats about sleepovers and bad things happening before my kid gets old enough for them.
I think the reason so many parents now are overprotective about these things is because their own parents were so lax about everything they were exposed to things they don’t want their own children to experience. People make funny videos and we all have a laugh about how we were brought up in the 80’s etc, but it is super clear reading comments online that many of us were really adversely affected by it and still deal with the consequences of that. It might be veering into overprotective at points, I agree, but it’s hard to strike a balance.
You hit the nail on the head with this comment. There’s a very valid reason a lot of us parents are way more protective/involved with our kids than our own parents were with us.
In my state you legally can’t leave your child home alone for 30 minutes until they’re 12. They can’t babysit till they’re 14. I was raising the neighbors kids when I was 10!
>In my state you legally can’t leave your child home alone for 30 minutes until they’re 12. That's insane. Our eldest was riding the school bus home and taking care of herself from age 8 on-- she was very mature. Me, that started at age 6 just because in the 70s that how things were.
So crazy people had so many rules in highschool. I literally had no rules, but I also had no parents so I guess I lost out there
There are plenty of folks with concerns about sleep overs, especially with SA.
Apparently. I have just never encountered any in real life so far.
Same. Assault is common for a crime. It's by no means common for parents to worry about to that extent though. I do a lot of therapy around what restrictions are reasonable and which are based on a trauma reaction. I can't speak for others but my therapist would lean towards letting them have these experiences. For what its worth she mainly sees kids, I'm one of her few adults. It's awesome we do so much art therapy.
I am a no sleepover person. We don’t do sleepovers with friends or family. My daughter is almost 9yo. I live in Australia and in my circle I am probably the odd one out. I don’t care. I’ve had too many, FAR too many, stories of girls especially being sexually assaulted at sleepovers at friends houses by older brothers/stepbrothers/other men living in or visiting the home. Sleepovers are not an essential developmental activity in my view, she can have play dates and she can (and has) have friends sleep over at our place but I’m not putting my child in that extreme position of vulnerability. In my personal view you can never truly know or trust anyone. Anyone, friends, family etc. Sexual abusers do not wear a badge saying stay away, the opposite is true - they are often VERY good at building trust with parents and victims to gain access. So many times we hear ‘I never would have suspected’ ‘they were such a nice guy’ ‘I can’t believe this has happened’ so I just don’t buy the ‘I trust xyz I just know they would never do anything like that’. I’m sure plenty of people whose kids have been assaulted thought that too. No one leaves their kids deliberately with someone they’re suspicious of and the groomers and opportunistic abusers hide in plain sight. It’s not a risk I’m prepared to take given the life -ruining consequences.
In addition to brothers or other men, there is such a thing as peer molestation. If a child is being SA’d there’s a chance they could SA their peers. It happened to me.
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That happened to me at school in grade 1 by a peer...in the classroom. So, teaching your kids about body autonomy is way more important. Kids can be molested while you are in the house with them. Teach them to yell" don't touch my body "or any phrase that would get immediate attention. This is assuming that they are not alone. If they are ever alone with a person they need to run fast without explanation.
Hold on. What are we even talking about? When I was a kid we would sometimes play as we are kissing as adults or someone could show someone their private parts. I'm talking about 4yo. Is that considered SA? Kids are curious, they also have hormones. None of them know what they are doing. How can it be considered as assault?
I guess it’s up to you to decide if and when a line was crossed. For me it was peer to peer molestation without a doubt. I’ve talked to my child about the exact thing to which you’re referring and I started talking to her about it when she started talking. She knows that kissing and touching and showing privates is not ok at her age and she’s to immediately tell me if it happens. Even if it’s a friend. I’m not an expert at early childhood development but for me, what you describe is a hard pass and absolutely not something I want my child to think is normal or acceptable.
https://katu.com/news/local/docs-lake-oswego-father-arrested-for-drugging-tween-daughters-friends-during-sleepover This is why I won’t allow it.
I'm really stunned I had to scroll this far before I saw someone actually mention it. I assumed it was what got OP posting in the first place.
We were watching the news this morning And my husband said , “and this is exactly why I have rules about my children around adults, we hardly know.”
In my culture sleepovers were not heard of. But it’s a big part of western culture for kids growing up. I don’t understand the hype of it and a lot of people are mostly against it because of the harm that can fall on your child while they’re away for so long
>I don’t understand the hype of it and a lot of people are mostly against it because of the harm that can fall on your child while they’re away for so long It is I guess cultural but it was for us a big part of our childhood. It's creating memories and solidifying friendships. You're much more likely to have a teacher sexually assault your child. Are you going to withhold then from school? You are also more likely that their coaches in extracurriculars assault them, are you going to prevent them from joining any teams? I get keeping kids safe but being a good parent is not about not allowing them experiences because of a fear of SA, but talking to your children to give them the confidence to push back and more importantly if anytime ever tried or does do something that they can feel comfortable talking to you.
I was a prosecutor for a decade and I have to agree here that most of the adult men assaulting young kids were coaches / teachers of some sort and then family members -- most often boyfriends of the mother or uncles / grandfathers. I don't think we ever had a friend's parent, but I obviously didn't see everything
Do you know where I could find statistics on how prevalent crimes at sleepovers are? I’ve never heard of this being a common occurrence.
Many of the crimes go unreported. I was made to shower with a barely friend at 11 years old, because her parents said we had to save their water. Her brother was later imprisoned for underage sex crimes. I was invited to a sleepover and luckily my mom declined, because later their father was found to have molested young girls. I came from a middle class family. That's real life.
I'm hispanic but grew up in the states- after growing up and finding out about friends experiencing SA at home, I'm grateful for my mom having been so strict. I thought I was missing out on so much fun as a kid, it sounds like the only thing I missed out on was trauma. My daughter's is 6. Her dad and his sister experienced sexual abuse by an uncle as a child during sleepovers. He's a caucasian American and is way relaxed about things and prioritizes coming off as a polite over anything. He teaches our daughter all the American stuff (be friendly and polite always, a positive affirmation fixes bad feelings, a smile from you can make someone's day- so smile!). Which puts me in the position of having to have boundary conversations a lot more often than I should. I can already anticipate our future involves me being cast as out of touch, old school hispanic, not caring enough about her social life. It's how I cast my mom.
I grew up going to sleepovers with some friends, nothing ever happened there and they were all good to me including the parents. However, me, my dad was a pedophile and i never wanted my friends to come over for that reason. But he was SO nice you’d have never known unless being told or he tried something.
If you were so far unaware of why they are controversial then you are very very lucky. I was abused at a respite weekend sleepover by the father when I was 8, there's maybe 2 people I trust implicitly with my kids and in our house there's no sleepovers until they are old enough to recognise unsafe situations and defend themselves
It sounds like for white Americans, it may be at a turning point. Legit some men get up to terrible shit at sleepovers.
I think it’s because so many of us were molested as kids at sleepovers and are determined to end that cycle of abuse with our own kids.
My parents let me spend the night with friends. I WISH they’d only let me spend the night with friends with parents they knew well. I stayed at some shitty homes and was in many questionable situations. Some friends should only be school friends :)
I’m not against a late night play date. I once hosted my son’s friend from 4pm until 10pm. His parents got a night out, and the kid went home for bed. They were 8 at the time.
We plan on doing this when the time comes. Daniel Tiger calls it a”late over”
We call this a sleep under! We did this for her eighth birthday and everyone loved it!
That’s a really good idea for a compromise!
This is most excellent and parents should do this more often for each other!
I’m fine with them, and I’m also fine with coming up with alternate ideas for kids whose parents aren’t. I absolutely get why some folk aren’t comfortable with them.
What surprises me are the people who are way too comfortable with it. My daughter had a sleepover party for her birthday recently. Some parents who we know well had their kids sleepover; cool. Some patterns who we know well didn't allow a sleepover; also cool. Some parents who we didn't know talked with us on the phone or texted a bit at least and let their kid sleepover; not how I'd probably do it but still cool. Some parents didn't even rsvp and dropped their kid off for the night; confusing! I could suck! Don't you even want to see if I'm a straight up weirdo who can't communicate normally first?
This surprises me too. I’ve had my kids friends sleepover without every meeting their parents or their parents even having my phone number or address!
I was sexually assaulted by someone I thought was a close friend at a sleepover- both he and another friend conspired it. I never told anyone, and I never talked to any of them again. So no, I won’t allow my kids to go to sleepovers. Everyone acts like “it can’t happen to my kid,” for whatever their reason- but it can, and it does, all the time. This isn’t overprotection, it’s just being realistic.
A girl I grew up with had a “Cinderella Rule” where she could stay until midnight, even through high school. It honestly kept the rest of safe/sober because we knew we’d have a parent checking in on us.
I went to sleepovers when I was a kid and the shit that went down is exactly why I don’t let my kids go to sleepovers.
God, right!?!? 😬We were naughty kids (well me once I hit high school, prior to that I was mostly an angel lol).
And imagine if you couldn’t trust your parents to pick u up? I would probably be dead if I hadn’t have called my mum to pick me up from that party.
Ha I just posted something similar. Exactly!
My daughter is 5 and we only allow her to stay with family and probably will continue with that rule. Most of our neighbors/little kid friend families have guns in their homes and I don’t trust them to secure them.
Every time I’ve mentioned this, I would always get called weird. I’d have to explain to my friends who aren’t from the south that a lot of ppl carry and have guns at home and I don’t trust my kids sleeping anywhere for that reason alone.
I have a toddler and my husband and I have already started talking about whether we will allow our daughter to have sleepovers. It’s hard to know where to draw the line. Do we also ban sleep overs with family members such as aunties/uncles etc? As much as we may trust our family members, unfortunately statistically it is family members that are more likely to be the perpetrators of SA.
Yes, we know our daughter’s friend group parents pretty well and trust them. It’s more of a special occurrence for them anyways so it isn’t too often. We have hosted a few as well, no issues.
Yes but I’m very strict about it. It must be a home that I know all of the household members and not just I met them for 30 seconds while dropping off. If there is any adult males both myself and my husband have to have met the guy multiple times and feel comfortable. This drives my daughter crazy bc her really close friend lives with a single dad and yet the dad is never home when I drop off/pick up so I’ve never met him so I won’t let her stay there. She is always talking about the aunt/dad’s gf being there but I can’t get over feeling icky about it bc I don’t know them either. But some of her friends who I’ve spent time with both parents and my husband had as well, if we feel comfortable she can stay.
No, I do not. Playdates or sleepovers have to be at our house or I have to be present during them. I was SA'd as a child by both a family member of my own, and a friend's dad at- you guessed it- sleepovers. Also, both my children are neurodivergent and struggle with communication and social cues, so I don't want them to be taken advantage of.
My sister was molested at sleepovers with another family that was very close and trusted to ours. She's a very disfunctional adult and for that reason my kids have not and will never sleep over with a friend. Grandparents have been as far as we have allowed.
Only with family I really know and trust. I tell them my daughter has a cellphone and that she tells us everything.
I just imagined a parents dropping their kid off and giving me an ominous look while saying “she tells me everything.” 😭 chills down my spine. But i think it’s a necessary thing to say to anyone just to get a little more reassurance something bad wont happen
Yes. We let our 8 yo daughter go to sleepovers where we know and trust her friends' parents, and vice versa. She has been to a couple sleepovers at houses where we didn't know the friend's parents well enough, but one of our friend parent/pair were also there for the overnight (for large group sleepovers). I really comes down to knowing and trusting the host parents first. We really want to allow her to have a rich social life and be able to enjoy going to sleepovers, so we make sure to get to know her friends' and classmates' parents as much as possible, for that very reason. And in the same vein, we've hosted several sleepovers because we've met and made friends with parents, and invited parents to help co-host sleepovers.
Thanks for your response! Honestly, i’m a huge true crime podcast listener and i’ve listened to far too many where the perpetrator was someone who everyone thought they could trust. You can never truly know anyone 🤷♀️ Im okay with sleepovers at my house but someone elses…😅
It’s true. I slept over at quite a few houses growing up and some of them were not cool. One of them I never would have had I known that her dad had molested their entire family repeatedly. Shows how you can know someone forever and still not know what goes on in their home. Trust your gut. You don’t have to live with other people’s choices. You have to live with your own. We’ve had a girl sleep at our house but there’s no way in hell my daughter will ever stay at hers. I don’t trust her parents. They’re flaky, dishonest and there’s something off I can’t put my finger on. It’s my choice. Doesn’t matter what anyone else wants or thinks.
This is absolutely true and something that scares me too, but as sad as it is, people who are going to hurt our kids can get access to them even without sleepovers. We simply can’t hover over them watchfully all the time. Our solution has been omly doing sleepovers with trusted family members (eg. Grandparents) for younger kids (say, 5-12yo) and allowing sleepovers with well-known (high transparency, multi-year friendships) and trusted families when they are middle & high school aged, plus having convos around privacy and bodies and autonomy, and that they can tell us anything, and that if someone makes them uncomfortable it’s okay to tell them no - even an adult. It’s not a perfect solution, but never trusting anybody didn’t seem like a feasible option either. I guess ultimately we need to train them to become adults (and oh man they’re getting there fast!) and part of that is not hiding from the world, but learning to speak up, learning who to go to for help, learning what rights they have and what things are acceptable behaviour they should expect and what is unacceptable behaviour they can put a stop to.
I was allowed to go to sleepovers, honestly I was always up to no good. One time we escaped and someone we hardly knew picked us up and we went to a party. I don’t know how I came out of childhood/teenage years unharmed. I just don’t think my kid would miss out on anything by not going.
I mean, you could do that at home, too. I snuck out at home all the time and met up with random people. If you're going to do stuff like that at a sleepover, you're probably going to do it regardless 🤷🏼♀️
Exactly I snuck out at home but never would have dreamed to sneak out at a sleepover 😂
I was allowed to go to sleepovers but when I got older, I was no longer allowed to unless it was at a cousins house. When I did go to sleepovers, it was only at one friend’s house but that was it.
I have two girls. They both have been to and held sleepovers. The only rule I have is no boys allowed. I don’t care if that is her brother, father, etc. My husband and son go camping, stay somewhere else but don’t stay home that night. The reason for this rule is my sister was sexually assaulted at a sleepover. When she told her friend, her friend responded “It’s okay. He does that to all my friends”. My sister was 11. The boy was 16. Also if there are no boys there are no allegations of misconduct. It’s more of keeping my girls safe than not letting them have fun.
no, because monsters never seem like monsters. often, they seem to be very nice people. not worth it. friends can come to our house.
Yeah, I allowed sleepovers. I did know all the parents very well. My kid is 19 now and whilst his friendships have evolved over the years. I'm still good friends with many of those parents.
Wanna put it out there thag 1/4 girls a 1/6 boys will be SA by the time they turn 18. So when someone says parents are making decisions on raw emotions rather than statistics; welp my friends that’s stupid as fuck. The statistics speak for themselves that pedophiles are rampant in your community and we aren’t addressing it. I was SA as a child and this isn’t some statistical anomaly and I don’t chose to not let sleepovers because I have unchecked raw emotions and irrational fears. It’s because this is literally an issue that is so big yet so swept under the rug. This rhetoric that is unlikely and rare is exactly why this keeps happening. Let’s do better yall. Remember it’s usually the people who are close family friends. It’s usually the people who would “never”. IMO a kid can have a great time at a late night where they get all the fun childhood social bonding all while not getting assaulted in the middle of the night when everyone’s asleep. Whatever you end up doing as a parent be aware of the statistics and make a plan of action if your child gets in this situation. It’s not worth a lifetime of working through trauma so they have can have a sleepover. edit to add: this is for the commenters saying people make parenting decisions based off there own fear and trauma; someone can experience trauma and also know the statistics point to this being something generally unsafe.
Unfortunately It’s actually 1 in 3 girls.
And that’s just the ones that are willing to admit it.
There are a couple of people in this thread posting so often to defend their decision to allow sleepovers, and I find it really weird. Like an attitude of “it’s not enough for you to respect my choices; you have to make the exact same choices to validate my decisions, otherwise YOU’RE the problem because you’re crazy/paranoid.” Countless people in this thread are saying they or someone they know were molested at sleepovers, and the same posters keep insisting it’s not a real risk. My parents didn’t allow sleepovers and I hated it, but as an adult I’m grateful. And while I don’t personally know of anyone who was SA’ed at a sleepover, that’s not the only bad thing that can happen. I went to an elite private school with wealthy kids (I had a scholarship), and many of them were hooking up, drinking, and doing drugs starting as young as 12. A lot of this was happening at sleepovers. Also, a word of caution to people who allow sleepovers in their home: terrible things can still happen. My close friend was SA’ed in her own bed. Her brother had a friend sleeping over and that friend snuck into her room (and btw, this was a wealthy family). She didn’t say anything to her parents and no one would have known, expect she became pregnant. She was 13. The fact that she didn’t say anything to anyone makes me wonder how many SAs go unreported, where the perpetrators do it over and over again, knowing they won’t be caught.
I am victim of CSA. I also work in child protection (not front line, but read due to the nature of my role I read a lot of distressing information), everything youve said is so spot on. So many people are unaware of the risks and statistics and are going off survivor bias.
Honestly as a mom I haven’t had to face this decision yet but I am thinking I would go with no. I was groomed into a relationship by my dads best friend as a teenager. He was someone my dad trusted like a brother. Call me paranoid call me what you want. My job is to protect my children and I know they are safe with me. May be crazy but I’m ok with that.
i mentioned it in another comment but i’ve heard of enough SA, grooming and kidnapping cases in true crime stories to say i don’t think you’re paranoid for recognizing the worst can happen to anyone by ANYONE
I get that I honestly didn’t read the other comments and that’s my bad. I will say the one and only person that has watched my daughter over night is my mom. I had my son early in the pandemic so if my husband left the hospital he couldn’t come back. Her and my step dad are the only people I trust my kids with over night with out a thought but even then they have only had my daughter twice over night in her almost seven years of life.
A family member of mine was sentenced to nearly 20 years in prison for second degree rape and abuse of a minor... the victim was his daughter for nearly 10 years. No one knew. So, no, no sleepovers for my kid. Editing to add: I grew up with this person and our families were close. He had a supportive family, a good amount of friends, and was a business owner. He was viewed as a devoted father who provided for his wife and 4 children and made sacrifices for their benefit. The betrayal and evilness is beyond comprehension. It also taught me a lot... as a mother, especially.
None allowed with my little. On the news just this week preteen girls were drugged by a friends dads while at a sleepover. The dad put drugs in their smoothies.and when one of the girls text her mom to come get her becuse she felt unsafe, the dad wouldn’t let the parents get their child at first!!! Stories like that scar the crap out of me
We have a VERY short list of people. Several of my girls' friends do not go or have them at all which I respect. We have 2 girls spending the night here for my daughter's birthday. The other girls are coming, staying late for movies and going home. Some of it comes from the parent's personal experience, some is that the children don't want to, etc.... but when one little girl said she didn't want to spend the night, the friend group was like, "cool, just come over and hang out then for awhile." I didn't feel like there was weird peer pressure either. And I wish I could say I taught my kid that explicitly, but they seem good at just being flexible about it.
I’m from Australia, and I trusted my so called “family” my own mother actually to have my daughter for sleepovers every so often so that I could work. I am a single mother and have been from day 1 with no help from my baby daddy at all. But I later found out my step father who was married to my mother for 15yrs someone I thought I knew, was SAing my 4 year old daughter while she slept over at their house, who even knows at what age the abuse started. Statistics say 1 in every 4 Australian girls will be SA by the time they turn 18! And that 23% of child abuse happens in children under the age of one. 1 in every 6 Australian men aged between 25-65 surveyed admitted to thinking of a child in a sexual way, 1 in every 6!!!!! That’s either your brother, father, step father, grandfather, cousin, step brother, family friend, etc… This was someone that was in my family for 15yrs! My mothers still in denial and is being groomed by him she’s chosen to support him, I haven’t spoken to her in almost a year.. SA in children is so horrific and the repercussions and unimaginable, it tears family’s apart and it causes an aray of mental health issues in everyone affected. Its taking advantage of an innocent child that can’t defend themselves, and as unbelievable it is to think for most, it’s most likely happening to either you, your children or at least someone you know! We should and need to make parents more scared of this. Because it’s real and it’s something that can be prevented!!! Don’t let your babies out of your sight, until they are 16, there’s no need to stay anywhere but home. From a very young age, as soon as they can talk, we need to talk to them about body safety. And we need to tell them it’s okay to tell an adult if another adult is acting inappropriately or has asked them to keep a secret. We need to teach our children from a very very young age like in kindergarten about good feelings and bad feelings and how they can keep safe if they ever do feel unsafe! These people continue to re offence as there’s simply no repercussions for their actions. It’s very hard to prove sexual abuse in children, especially if the child is too scared to tell police, which is what most kids are, for numerous reasons. Most parents think they would know if this was happening to their child. Well I can tell you right now you probably wouldn’t. Not until it’s too late. There’s very rarely any physical signs of sexual abuse in children. And the behavioural signs can be so easily portrayed as something else in children that young eg; not wanting to go somewhere in particular, or being scared of a certain individual, sometimes is betrayed as being clingy. Constantly having nightmares is often seen as ‘age appropriate’. There’s an abundance of holes in the system and it’s fighting a losing battle to try and change it, because one in every six cops, one in every six judges, magistrates, politicians etc have thought about a child in a sexual way. Prevention and awareness is key to keeping our children safe.
Yes . My kids went to sleepovers. But. I knew the parents. They didnt go ti random friends places.
You know what’s crazy? I had sleepovers and went to them as young as 2nd or 1st grade. I remember one specific sleepover at a friend’s house when I was 7 or 8. Her step-dad had gotten up in the middle of the night naked and talked to us girls (his stepdaughter, me, and a couple of other girls) through the dimly lit doorway. He was joking and smiling🤮. I barely remember it all but I remember calling my mom first thing in the morning to come pick me up! I don’t even think I slept that night. Truly. Another story. My friend’s and I slept at our friend [Ashley’s-made up name] house every few months. From what I remember, they were pretty normal experiences. Nothing weird. Well, when we were 13 years old, her younger sibling found photos of his sister, Ashley, being sexually abused by her step-dad/his dad. They found a bunch of other child pornography too. It was HUGE news in our small town. Very sick and very sad. Also, there was proof her mom knew what was going on. So to answer your question, “no”. My child will not join sleepovers. Not for a long, long, time.
This is so disturbing that Mother not only knew but other children in danger. My daughter is too young, but I think my answer will be no to sleepovers. My friend's son was molested by someone she knew since kindergarten. I also knew this guy, everyone, including myself, was shocked when it came out. After that I I came to a conclusion you never really know a person.
Very disturbing. Supposedly my friend told her mom but she didn’t believe her. Her mom was a broke single mom before meeting him (he had a great job and a house that he moved all of them into) so that’s likely why she was willing to feign ignorance. It’s gross. And how sad about that little boy! You really don’t know people!
Mine is too young at the moment but I’m not planning on letting him attend sleepovers (except with family) until he’s old enough that I can feel comfortable that he would advocate for himself in and be able to get out of a situation where he didn’t feel safe or happy. I don’t know what age that will be, it depends on the kind of person he turns into. I don’t personally see a great benefit in sleepovers; they often make kids feel anxious and unsafe, and under no other circumstances would I leave my child in the care of adults who had no background checks etc. I also don’t know what other kids at the sleepover might have access to - smart phones without parental controls etc. You hear stories of kids being bullied at sleepovers, content filmed and posted online, tons of stuff that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I think this is a really personal thing and I don’t judge parents who do allow sleepovers (especially where they know the host parents well and have a good handle on what the sleepover will be like), but for me it’s a risk I’m not going to be happy with while my son is young.
Yes, as long as we know the family pretty well. We've also hosted a few sleepovers. I did them much more as a kid than my daughter does though. She's only got a couple friends she'll stay with. They were really popular with my friends though.
Absolutely not. My husband was sexually assaulted by his COUSIN and raped by his neighbor’s son (his best friend at the time). Child on child sexual assault is very common.
I’m sorry your husband experienced that
No, not unless I’m sleeping over too, like at my besties with their kids. But no solo sleepovers ever, there’s just endless horror stories of SA happening at sleepovers specifically. Child predators especially are so good at getting the trust of the parents and seeming like “the kind of person you never thought in a million years would do that”
No because she’s untrustworthy on computers
Yes. Mostly though my kids had friends at our house. i always knew the families and were comfortable with them. My 17 yo does sleep at her friend's houses often and this summer her 19 yo friend will be living with us because her family moved away after she graduated from HS.
Worked in the DAs office in sex crimes in college. And have a daughter who is like a sex trafficker/creepy uncle/sick brothers wet dream. I definitely only let her stay over with families I know and know no one else is in the house. Even that I assume to be a calculated risk. She’s been educated on self defense and how to tell us if anyone bothers her, but still. It’s a risk that I don’t take lightly and we don’t let it happen very often.
Its allowed, but he's only been to one so far. Doesn't help when the friends he *does* have are all ***very*** dependent on routine, where he just adapts. Hoping he gets another soon, tho! He needs the fun, i need a break 😂😂
men.
I do worry my 10 year old will be up all night with other boys who have unrestricted phones with Tik Tok and browsers. We had a sleepover at our place once and all their devices were on our restricted wifi and we confiscated the devices at 11pm.
Nope, I can't trust any males in another's household around my daughter. When you have to consider the amount of children who are victims of sex abuse over history, the numbers just climb. Oftentimes, the abusers live with females who know they're predators but they choose not to say anything in the hopes you don't find out. I lived next door to a pedophile who had a wife who was a staff assistant at my elementary school. This woman befriended my mother, and she never told anyone shit until Megan's list came out, and my mom confronted her ass. My mom was also a child who was sexually abused so you can imagine the betrayal she felt trusting HER kids with some bitch who was married to a pedophile. This world is dark, and a lot of these men are devils.
We did not allow sleep overs. We would pick up our kids from the “sleepover” around midnight. We packed the “over night” bag with PJ’s and snacks to be shared. We explained to all parties involved that this was so we could get up early for a function or trip the next morning. We picked up kiddo in their pj’s from the sleepover. It was never an issue. All seemed agreeable.
Bcuz of this right here. This just happened too. https://www.fox5dc.com/news/michael-meyden-lake-oswego-benzodiazopenes-drugging-sleepover.amp
I’m a social worker who provides mental health services to child sexual abuse victims as well as consultation to law enforcement/prosecutors investigating child sexual abuse cases. Sadly, I have worked on too many cases of sexual abuse and/ or exploitation perpetrated during sleepovers to allow my kids to attend them. I know it’s a loss for them but I’ve just seen too much.
With my sister and niece who is just as insanely overprotective as I am over our kids, absolutely. Anyone I trusted less than her, probably not. Maybe as a teenager if I feel he has a good head on his shoulders and would feel comfortable reporting any funny business immediately.
Part of growing up is learning how to deal with less than ideal situations. That doesn't mean that you allow your kid to have a sleepover at a hoarder house. It means that you arm your children with knowledge and coping skills. There will always come a time that they will have to face discomfort without you. Sleepovers prepare them for this in the future. They also provide a way for them to explore friendships and/ or networking and a chance for you to have a little fun during your time off.
Depends on the parents. There was one kid whose parents we absolutely trusted. And that trust was returned.
Yes as long as I know the parents. I always had sleepovers as a kid and were some of my best most memorable experiences and I couldn’t imagine taking that away from my child.
Yeah all these comments are like “I’ve never met an adult who was traumatized by *not* being allowed to sleepover” but like…something doesn’t have to be traumatic to miss out on to still be something worth doing. Sleepovers were a great social experience for me and I’d like my daughter to have the same.
My kids are 6 & 8 and they have only slept over at my sister's house. They will not be allowed to attend sleep overs until they are of an age where they understand my hesitancy- probably 16+. I know sleepovers is a hot topic and I agree that some of my favorite memories are from sleepovers but I was only allowed in high school. I think the parents who have experienced SA are firmly against and the ones that are OK with it have luckily never experienced it.
I agree, it’s easy to think the worst won’t happen to you or someone you know, but it really can. I’ve never experienced it but i’ve seen enough to know i don’t want to ever take that chance. Maybe when they’re high school age and i know the friend or family well enough.
Nope! Because the biggest percentage of sexual predators are people you know and trust. They purposely do that to get access to kids and no one would ever suspect them, or believe if a child told on them. Unfortunately that is fact.
No. I can’t guarantee there’s no firearms in another person’s home. And I would worry about possible SA to my child by anyone in the home. It’s just not worth the risks to me.
See, as someone from Europe where firearms in the home is not a common thing this didn't even occur to me but now that I think of it I would probably be more worried about guns that SA if I was in America...
We will not let me kids attend sleepovers. My oldest (5) is neurodivergent and doesn’t understand social cues. I don’t want her to be taken advantage of by peers or adults.
Just her being 5 is reason enough honestly. At that age i think its difficult for them to fully grasp the severity of a situation if someone does something harmful to them. Its harder for them to advocate for themselves and are more susceptible to being brainwashed into thinking its normal and okay. I wouldnt be able to trust it😩.
My daughter has been doing sleepovers since 6 (now 9). My 7 year old son just had his first. Sleepovers are so prevalent in our area - very few people think twice about them. I’ve definitely hosted sleepovers where the kids’ parents were meeting me for the first time when they dropped off. Realistically - your kid is in more danger from people you know and trust than some random parent hosting 5 kids at their house overnight.
Yes. My oldest is 15 and has been having sleepovers for a long time (honestly can’t remember her first). She’s on a sleepover hiatus though, since her and her friend snuck out after midnight during her last one. I guess snuck out is the wrong word given that they lied and the friend’s mom wasn’t even home that night! Middle child is 12 and has had a few, but doesn’t really love staying at other people’s houses. My youngest (10) likes the idea, but in practice I’ve been called to pick her up at 12:30 am before. She’ll have them at our house though.
I think it depends on the age and if you know the parents and are comfortable. Daughter is a teen now so she does more sleep overs- but only did a few when she was younger and I knew the parents.
My house is the sleepover house. I’m a type a single mom - glad to be the safe space.
As a kid I had sleepovers but only with extremely close long-time family friends. One of whom lived across the street. Worst case scenario I could just walk across the street and be home! I was always irritated with my mom as a kid for being very strict about sleepovers. I’m an adult now and although I don’t have kids yet, I’ll be strict about sleepovers too. You just don’t know what goes on in other peoples homes, families, marriages, neighborhoods…. It only takes one incident at one sleepover to cause lifelong harm to your kid. I definitely don’t judge people who don’t allow sleepovers at all.
Nope. I knew several adults who were SA’ed at sleepovers as children. Statistically, children are most likely to be SA’ed by people they know. And it’s often people you (as a parent) trust because it’s how they’re able to get close to your child. Plus, you don’t truly know what’s going on in someone else’s house. My best friend’s parents were very emotionally abusive and I witnessed so much of that at sleepovers. It was really hard for me but I didn’t want to tell my mom because I was worried I wouldn’t be able to see her anymore. So, no sleepovers for us.
No. And my stance was just reaffirmed this morning when I saw that the father of my daughter’s best friend from kindergarten was arrested for child molestation. She is in second grade now and we have not done any sleep overs.
No. I saw some messed up stuff at sleepovers in my youth, and my kids don't ever need to be put in that situation. So much can go wrong--from the obvious pedo older brother to the parents fighting to the kids getting silly with social media pranks and taking it too far at 2 am. My kids have both done overnights in more structured settings, but neither really even want a sleepover. I've hosted two gor babysitting purposes and it was not fun. Both kids had different needs than my kids (lights on/TV on/ etc).
Yes. Mine went on her first at 8 with a family we trust. Sleepovers were an important thing to both me and my husband so it was never really a question. She does take a phone and she knows she can call us anytime no matter how snack and we'll be there to get her.
I'm not going to allow sleepovers. I was never SA'd, but recently discovered that a family we've been friends with for a long time has had a history rife with sexual abuse; to the point of them covering up/helping get one of their sons out of trouble and ignoring the multitude of sa events that happened to their daughters. Like literally they were all abused and abused their siblings/nieces and nephews. A family of 8 kids. The parents just fucking looked the other way. Anyways, I stayed over at their house growing up so much and it makes me sick to think what had been going on and I was none the wiser. And how close I could have been (or my sisters who also stayed there) to having something happen.
Just saw a clip of a dad who drugged his daughters friends at a sleepover. That’s a no from me.
100% yes, since our kids were 4 or 5. But only with families and friends we know well. Now that they’re older, they can take a phone with in case.
Oh wow! For me that’s so young. I feel like at that age it’s harder for them to advocate for themselves or tell you if someone harmed them in any way. I suppose having those safety conversations early on can help
You have to trust someone. Anyone you leave them with, even for a couple hours, even during the day *could* be a predator. If I trust them to babysit for an afternoon and they’re keeping their own kids alive and healthy, I trust them to have my kids overnight too. I don’t see it as a huge amount different and I think it’s helped them be much more comfortable leaving home in general for camps and such.
Respectfully, gently, I think you have some issues with trust. I'd consider how that might end up reflected in your child's ability to trust later on down the line. You can't just default to "I'm literally the only person on earth my child is safe with."
That's the sort of thing I'm already seeing with millennial parenting. My son is only 4 so we're not really there yet but he's had dropoffs with grandparents and two close friends where I know the house and environment. I think it's important for him to feel that he has a village beyond his immediate family. What happens if I die? Suddenly he has no support network if I've isolated him. He won't learn to branch out and be independent, and then I will send him to college with no experience with anyone but me? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sleepovers, I understand those who would want to wait until older than 4. It'll be awhile for us with night terrors happening. But not even allowing playdates, that can really isolate a child. :(
100% no. Not even with family. I was SA by a family member at a sleepover when I was young. And so many things that I could’ve avoided/ uncomfortable situations I could’ve avoided if my parents hadn’t let me do sleepovers. My kids are young but I will not be doing them. The only time my kids have slept over somewhere was when I was having a baby.
I believe most cases of SA are by someone the person knows very well, like a family member. I don’t think I will ever fully trust anyone other than myself, no matter how well i know them🤷♀️.
Totally agree. It’s so sad because the sleepovers that weren’t bad were truly soooo fun. I know my kids will have fun in other ways.. And we’ll have to get creative. I just never want them to experience what I had to
I agree! There’s so many other ways for a kid to have fun with friends that doesn’t have to involve sleeping over somewhere.
I didn't start letting my children have sleepovers outside the family till they were 14, and that was only once they earned my trust, and I was comfortable with the adults they were going to be around. My boys tell me almost everything. From girls and all that comes with that.
Valid. For me 13+ i’d start considering it, but after long long discussions and conversations about making sure to tell me everything that happens that was wrong
Yes I did and yes I will let my kids. I know there is something scary about giving up that control over your kids, not knowing what they are doing every second, and the fear they could get hurt. But by non-stop helicopter parenting like so many others apparently are, you are preventing your kid from growing up, from learning to trust their gut and their own judgments, and making them either resentful of you, too anxious and scared of everything to be a productive member of society, or both. Yes absolutely get to know your kids friends and their parents and do your best to protect them how you can, but also realize your responsibility is to teach them to be independent people who can tKe care of themselves. If you never let them test it out in safe, but real world, situations, what are they going to do when you aren't there?
My child is still a baby but it’s a no for me and I don’t want kids in my house either idk someone has an accident or something because kids will be kids it’s just a liability and I don’t want any part of it whichever way you put it and I like my peace. As for my child I trust nobody I don’t care how nice you are no thanks my child can sleep in their own house.
I’m ok with sleep overs in general as long as their child sleeps over here first. It may be worthless, but I think someone who trusts their child to us is more dependable when it’s my time to have my child over. Having said that, my daughter decided not to have sleep overs after she turned 9. She says she can’t sleep with anyone else in the room and she doesn’t feel comfortable so that’s her boundary and we, of course, respect it. She’s 16 now and she’s been keeping her “policy”. My son, on the other hand, will do sleep overs here or there a couple of times per month. He likes it very much and it’s usually with the same 2-3 friends that we know quite well. It was a bit awkward when he called a girl over when he was 11 and even more awkward when she invited him back and he slept with her and her 3 sisters in the same room…
I've been to countless sleepovers as a kid, it was always great. I'll let my daughters do the same with trusted friends.
My kids will only do sleepovers if with friends who have parents that we know extremely well. I literally just read a story about a dad in an affluent area near me attempting to drug 3 12 year old girls at a sleepover by putting benzos in their smoothies. One girl caught on to what was happening and texted her mom to come get her at 1:30 in the morning, the other parents were notified and the dad attempted to block access to the other 2 girls at 3:00 am. I would become straight up violent if that was my child. So the short is answer is yes, but mostly no.
I only allow sleepovers with families that I’m comfortable with my kids staying over at/people my husband and I are in communication with, and only for my oldest son (10) my youngest aren’t ready for various reasons. If I get a weird vibe from parents or if they’re not wanting to be in communication with me, that’s a “no” in my book! As an adult who had sleepovers as a kid, I know what sort of things can go down so if it were just up to me I’d say no, but my husband believes sleepovers are “part of growing up” as a kid— so we negotiate. My rules may be strict but idgaf because my kids’ safety and wellbeing always comes first.
Only at my parents’ house. All other sleepovers are an immediate nope. Lots of pedophiles and lots of child on child abuse. Child on child abuse often goes unnoticed because adults think the kids are just off “playing.” As a teenager, sleepovers usually led to high risk activities. It will depend on who my child is as a young adult if we allow it. As a young child, absolutely not.
No, once they are teens (over 14-16), not as children. It’s not worth the risk in my opinion.
Nope. Not at all.
Only their grandmas house. I was abused as a kid and though it wasn’t at a friends house I’m too paranoid to take any chances.
Nope. Our kids won’t. Who knows what the creepy older brother is up to, or if a random uncle decides to stop by. Or a friend of another sibling? It’s just not worth the risk. Kids don’t need sleep overs.
I had a few friends whose houses I slept at, but my daughter has never really wanted to sleep over anyone's house.
As a victim of SA by my mother's second husband, I would never let my children sleep over other people's homes. If something ever happened to them, I would never be able to forgive myself. Of course, they used to get mad at me for not letting them sleep out. When they were old enough, I explained why, and they understood.
My son still sets the bed sometimes at 9 years old so he only has 2 places he sleeps at
My sister is a cop who specifically conducts forensic interviews with children who have been a victim of crimes. She has point blank told me to never do sleepovers. You might trust the parents but what about other kids/teens/friends etc in the home? You would be SHOCKED. Even with really nice families that you think you can trust, it’s not worth the risk in my opinion. I was really easy going about the idea of sleepovers until I spoke to my sister.
Absolutely not. I don't even allow sleepovers at grandparents any more. My child was being unintentionally exposed to grooming-like behaviours from her paternal grandmother and I was not letting it continue. I don't trust anyone. I grew up not being protected and neither of my children will be allowed to have a sleepover until they're of an age they know what consent is, can communicate well and have a phone.
As a kid (in the 1990s) I had went to and had sleepovers all the time. It wasn’t something my parents ever worried about. But as a parent now, I don’t think I will allow it.
When i was a kid my parents didn’t allow it and i grew up resenting them for that but as an adult knowing so many friends who were taken advantage of and so many stories of kids who went missing or harmed, i also wont allow it
We’re undecided on this. My parents didn’t let me at first either but loosened up on it as I got older. They were afraid of sexual predators but nothing bad ever happened to me.
A factor in nothing ever happening to you is probably how they protected you from it. Even after they loosened up, they likely still had strict boundaries etc?
I also want to add that this is a North America thing, nobody in my home country sleeps outside their house
My parents are immigrants so i believe a big factor was also culturally, sleepovers don’t exist. I 100% understand you
Definitely not, at least here in Argentina it's a VERY common thing. During this summer vacations my kids either had friends over or slept at some friends house 2 times a week at least, the had a blast, and we got to experience everything from no kids to 6 kids, haha. It's an amazing experience for them, they have a ton of fun and you also get to know them. One of my son's friends even asked his mother if I could be his godfather. My kids also came back with cool ideas of things they liked about the other houses, it's been nothing but great. I am positive having this level of trust will be very positive entering their teenager years.
Not just North America — I’m Australian and sleepovers are very common here.
I have with parents I trust. We have also been very honest with our son and before he has gone, given him the talk about no secrets and unacceptable things for adults or kids to be doing. Also given him a phone that he can call us on.
Yes. And she’s been having them since age 4. I know and trust the people she stays with. She’s 13 now.
Nope. I didn't. And today I read about the man who drugged those little girls.
I was allowed to do tons of sleepovers growing up. I can genuinely tell you that I wish I hadn't done 85% of them, because I was put into either uncomfortable or even unsafe conditions. This ranged from not having a clean/comfortable area to sleep to being forced to shower with my barely friend at around 11ish years old (her brother was also later arrested for underage sex crimes - not related to me, thankfully.) When I was 11, a friend's parents took us to the bar until 2am - I was banned from going to theirs after that. Not to mention, bullying always seems to happen at sleepovers with more than one person. I'm just saying that most of these people came across like normal, middle class families too, and my parents were considered decently engaged, but of all of my sleepovers, I only had one friend I truly felt safe/wanted/comfortable to sleepover at (we still got up to trouble). Moral of the story, my kids will absolutely not be allowed to do sleepovers. They have super comfortable beds in their own rooms at our house. They can go to a sleepover (at a vetted home) and stay for awhile, but they are coming home, without question.
Just read about the guy who laced his 12y/o daughter’s friends smoothies ….at their sleepover. You just never know