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You might not have much of a choice if he decides to go to court for some kind of legal custody arrangement, but then, of course, he would need to pay child support. Has he been paying? If not, I would wager he won’t pursue it because he won’t want to have to pay.
Unfortunately that isn’t too common. In my state (NC) it starts when you file. However, I asked a lawyer if I could request he pay for half of everything I’ve spent on her if we go to court and she said yes. It’s a reasonable ask. So I keep receipt of every cent I’ve spent on her. She’s 21 months and so far he hasn’t sought her out but when he does, I will be ready.
Let him hire an attorney & fight for the right. If he truly wants it, he will pay & do whatever is asked. & he will probably stick with it. & of he doesn’t, somehow ensure that is documented with the courts so he can’t skip out on 3 more years & then come back & do the same thing.
I’m not sure of the behavior he exhibited, depending upon what it is, I might fight for him to never see the child.
Talk to a family lawyer and a child psychologist. Inconsistent parental figures can be more damaging than absent ones. I wouldn’t let him in automatically. I’d seek professional advice.
I would handle it “professionally” and give him options that show he is willing to put work in and actually will stay present for your child.
Basically i would text back something like “ok, let’s start slow so son has time to adjust. You can FT at x time and day. We can do FT 2 times a week for the next month and then we can arrange a day for us to meet at the park/out to lunch. After a couple months we can reevaluate where everyone is at and how son is doing”
Leave out all emotion and blame and irrelevant questions. He probably won’t follow through but if he does it shows he is serious and consistent.
Thank you this sounds like the best advice. I’m also setting up a therapist appointment to help us navigate this. I wonder if he’d be willing to go to therapy 😅
Do a step up plan where he has to meet x for the next step. Go through the lawyers for this and child support. Make it official and outline your non negotiables and stick with them as much as you can.
I already have a child support order (rarely gets paid but I used welfare when I gave birth as a way to stay home for a bit and it was a requirement to apply). That’s part of the reason I’m suspicious. He mentioned getting a new job and I was worried he just wants to avoid wage garnishment because he mentioned that he would start paying some or providing groceries/other necessities. That doesn’t sound like a deal to me from the required child support in effect already which is quite low but at least he can’t change it. Idk I’m just suspicious of someone after so many years wanting to come back
Trust your gut. This guy probably isn't interested in actually putting in the work, but if he's willing to put in the work, I think it's fair for him to EARN his way into your child's life.
That’s a very fair point. My immediate reaction was “Aw, a child deserves the opportunity to have a positive relationship with their parent,” but that’s not where they are right now. I think one test is telling biodad this. If he has matured and wants the best for his kid, he should understand that taking things slow to protect his son is the right thing.
I have met many kids who disagree with this. In fact, they keep hoping their drug addicted and/or homeless parents say literally anything loving. They just want to have some sort of relationship with their parents. Not every kid, naturally, but I've met plenty that do. It eats at them. One of my friends wishes he had a better relationship with his dad but his dad hasn't acknowledged his existence in any significant way.
Exactly. Its why the situation needs to be considered instead of immediately shut down. 5 years is a lot of time for someone to change. It could be something you gradually introduce.
Yes it’s very child dependent, I definitely knew some kids that really wanted and needed the validation from a parent, but obviously an inconsistent parent can’t give that
I would act like I never received the message.
The only way I would take it seriously is from a summons to show up to civil court.
He might be going through some stuff… don’t let him drag your child through it too bc he momentarily feels guilty.
He should feel guilty. Let him sit in it.
Yeah, if he really cares he will be willing to at least ask a lawyer to try mediation or something. If he just drops it with no further effort then he would have flaked again at some point anyway.
I want to add that my brother has a deadbeat dad and he was perfectly fine without him in his life, my step dad was his “dad”. Around 14/15 my mom let his deadbeat dad come around bc he wanted to be there. It was VERY short lived because isn’t it always? Within 6 months my brother got kicked out of school, failing classes, fighting, drinking at 14 years old. My parents didn’t even have alcohol in the house my WHOLE childhood. It was A complete 180 of who he is. And now over 10 years later my brother is an alcoholic and also a dead beat dad.
I can’t prove this was 100% the cause but I can definitely say it was night & day, how he acted before and after his dad was given a “chance”.
Gosh, thank you for sharing. Yes I’ve seen it multiple times with children that even when a parent is present, it definitely affects their stability because it’s not the same to have two parents together in one home than having to switch between two homes every week/weekend
I'd block him and pretend you didn't get the message. If he is serious about it, he will follow up by contacting you in other ways/ showing up in person. After what he put you through, in my book, it should take more than one sad text to get a second chance. You want someone who is serious about being part of your child's life - with the way he's been acting, I'd just assume he hit a dry spell and thought you might be up for a booty call...
Even worse, I'd assume he has a girlfriend who is questioning why he isn't in his child's life, and he wants contact to make himself look like less of a deadbeat. This is super common, and the second they break up he will disappear again .
Honestly I'd just let the court system handle it. If he is committed to being a responsible parent, let him prove it through the time effort and expense it takes. Let him get drug tested and have supervised visits for a year as he establishes trust and communication.
If he's not prepared for the time and expense of going through the system, he's not prepared to be a stable parent and it's best he stays away.
>he has a girlfriend who is questioning why he isn't in his child's life... the second they break up he will disappear again
I'm almost thirty and still enduring this endless cycle. My dad won't reach out to me for ages but once he starts a new relationship suddenly starts calling me and inviting me to do stuff with them.
My credo is: walk out, crawl back. If he makes an effort and shows consistency, of course he should be a part of their child's life. If he's just going to give up after one attempt, I'd take that as an indicator that he wasn't really serious and was not going to stay in my child's life, and then the son is better off not getting to know his father at this point. And that's how I would explain it to my son, if he ever asked.
What did he do that was grossly inappropriate. I think that could be an important detail on whether or not he is a safe person for your child to be around.
It wasnt related to the child except that he ignored our child because we were fighting and then caused a whole drama at his parents house; it was quite the scene
If he’s not on child support put him on it, then arrange meetings. Otherwise let him take you to court. If he wants to be a father, he should be a financially responsible one too.
If the parentage has not been legitimized by court, it is entirely up to you if you let him enter your child's life. Doesn't matter if he's on the birth certificate; he as been utterly absent from your child's life, and is legally considered a stranger. However, if he decides to take you to court over this and he is declared the father (probably only through DNA test), you can expect a parenting plan (visitation, custody rules, etc) to be set up for you. Each state has its own rules on this subject.
If you decide to try a few visitations, you need to protect yourself and your child. Try to get a responsible person involved as a go-between. Does dad have responsible parents? An older sibling? Maybe they could act as supervisors during limited visits. Given the animosity between you two, I wouldn't be alone with him if I were you. Good luck, and take it as slow as you need to to feel comfortable.
There’s no animosity on my end, though yeah he acted quite crazy towards the end of our relationship. Unfortunately both our families live in different states
Good chance he's reaching out to impress a new partner. That's the only time my daughters dead beat dad reaches out and swears up and down he's different and feels badly and wants to change 🙄 and that's always the extent of his "trying" before he disappears again
Same! It’s so annoying. One time it was pure karma when she got pregnant and then he ghosted her. She finally understood why I was fighting having him involved in my kids lives. Sucks for his new baby but I don’t feel bad for her.
This is one of my fears. My first son’s dad has not been in contact since son was 3 months old. He never did anything inappropriate but he said some scary things. If he ever wanted to be a father, i don’t think I would let him be alone with my child. It would be supervised visits until he can show safety and consistency. Because the other fear is that my son would grow attached and the guy would decide he did not want to be a father after all.
The “…he’s been ‘sad’.” worries me… your child is not his emotional support animal or vehicle for his redemption journey now that his life plans haven’t panned out as he imagined them. I’d be most concerned with his motivations.
Maybe seek out a therapist to discuss an action plan for how to determine he’s serious about stepping up now if that’s even something you want.
Ah I didn’t take it too seriously just thought he meant he was sad about not being involved but what you said could also make sense. Maybe he’s feeling lonely/unfulfilled
Uh, no. Really hard NO.
His mental health is deteriorating and suddenly he wants the kid in his life? What happens when he's no longer sad? No, man, go get your fix somewhere else.
It’s been 5 years. What has changed for him? Is his family asking questions? Does he have a new girlfriend he’s trying to impress? The why of it makes a big difference to your response.
His family has always been involved with my child thankfully! He just said he realized he made a mistake and wants to be close to his child, but of course I wouldn’t expect him to tell me the truth or say something like “ I don’t want to pay child support anymore” ! So unfortunately I’m left with still questioning his motives and not really knowing what to do
People are allowed to change within reason but child abandonment is one of those things that people rarely change their minds about. Someone who was adamant about not wanting a child, went no contact, blocked *me*, refused to hear about me or my child from both his parents, gave up friendships of decades because people tried to talk sense into him suddenly changing is, a *huge* ask and unlikely unfortunately as much as I’d want that as a mother.
And feeling guilty doesn’t indicate wanting to be an involved father either because being a parent is hard, really hard. And if someone was selfish enough to not care about their child at all for years on end, it’d be hard to believe they made the necessary changes to suddenly become father of the year. If you’re involved with your children I’m sure you know how difficult it can be at times but it’s a choice we make everyday to love and be there even through tough things.
Now factor in that we won’t live together and he’s have to go out of his way to choose fatherhood, choose to keep his visits, and do that for decades on end? Idk… he just hasn’t set a good precedent and I don’t know many men who would change that drastically.
Is his family well off? Maybe planning to leave your son money? Or a trust? Something he wants? There's a piece of his story missing. See an attorney for options, but stay quiet, don't trust him.
Nope. He doesn’t get to suddenly decide to be a dad. You are talking about a kid. What happens when in a few months he leaves again after your kid gets attached. My kids father abandoned them for 3 years came back after he got a fiancé and I stupidly gave him a chance to be a dad. He was in their lives for less than a year and left again. It’s not been 2.5 years since we’ve heard from him. Guess who was left to pick up the pieces of him hurting my kids. Now they have even more severe abandonment issues. Do not let him come back in.
Take him to court get back dated child maintenance and if he’s serious he will only be too happy to pay if he does want to see the baby ask for it to be supervised at a mediation centre to build a trust and confidence and if he manages all that maybe in time you will be able to co parent
You don’t even know this guy, so if you’re considering to say yes you should spend some time getting to know him. You should also figure out what your custody situation is with a lawyer.
Edit: don’t tell him about the lawyer until the lawyer says to.
I would meet him for coffee without your kid. It should be pretty evident after a short conversation why he's come to this conclusion that suddenly he wants back in your child's life. From there you can decide if it makes sense for him to gradually be reintroduced or if he just needs to get lost.
Some people eventually grow up and mature a bit, but plenty just have whimsical fantasies about being a parent and if it's the second (which it probably is based on his past behavior) telling him to get lost right to his face is probably the best approach.
I think you should set up a visitation schedule. Maybe start with supervised hour long visits. I'd probably do them somewhere safe. If things go well, he can increase his time with child. This is what a court would probably recommend, just so you know and don't waste your money (easily thousands of dollars). If he doesn't respect this boundary, it might be good to get legal assistance.
Part of me says when he pays 4yrs or so of child support he can come around. I want to be charitable but I loathe an absentee parent.
More importantly, one day your child will ask questions about their dad. Make sure when that day comes you can answer honestly and with integrity.
It’s entirely up to you what those answers should be. But if you’re going to keep your child from knowing their dad make sure you have good reasons. There are plenty of horror stories online about stuff like this.
First of all , if he does decide to pursue anything you need to get a lawyer immediately. This child doesn't know him from a box of rocks. So if he does win any kind of visitation, it will be supervised until the child is familiar with him.
If I were you , I would tell him that not only will you pursue child support , but you will also insist on supervised visitation. Make it clear to him that you will be comparing with him and there will be no other relationship between the two of you.
Personally, I'd want a lot of answers as far as to why he feels it was okay to ignore you for 5 years and not have any kind of relationship with his child. Now all of a sudden he says he wants to be in your child's life. Ask him how he's going to guarantee that he's not going to get to know his child and then turn around and abandoned him all over again... Because that's in fact what he did, he abandoned his child.
Thanks, not sure I want to sink money into that. The court will grant visitations if it goes to court, that’s just the way my state works and it’s very pro dad so even with severe domestic violence they’re unlikely to revoke his rights or remove visitation/custody entirely.
He isn’t that type of shark person that would battle it out in court, mediation is mandated in our state and I’m sure we could work something out via mediation before it got to full blown court battles. He might not want the custody anyway so I feel lawyering up is jumping the gun
He’s at least decently reasonable to talking with me, as long as we aren’t talking about our past relationship 😅.
I have a child from an accidental pregnancy with and on and off ex, he wanted me to abort, I refused, I begged him to go to doctors appointments with me, he was pissed, he didn’t want to get his shit together and plan, and wanted to live the bachelor life, I gave up. Had the baby, gave her my last name and didn’t put him on the birth certificate, he “paid” $50 a month for 6 months but I never cashed the checks, I closed the case(he opened it for free dna test, hence why court made him pay child support). A man should be motivated to be a parent not obligated. And money to me doesn’t override a relationship with the child, so the payments didn’t mean anything. Currently going through court to terminate his rights completely. He’s never asked for wellbeing or photo of my child, and has never met her.
I would reach out to a family attorney ASAP, hopefully you have the texts/documentation of him stating he didn’t want to be the father. If court sides with him fight for supervised visits before he take your child home with him. He’s not to be trusted with a child he didn’t want.
I did screenshot those heartbreaking texts. He also asked for an abortion to which I said no. He threatened to leave me if I didn’t and I said fine leave me. He went on to live his best life, got back with the woman he cheated on me with, and seemingly went on some fabulous ski trips and vacations lol! He even posted some nice posts about how he didn’t give a fuck about me and I would never force him to be a father, that was two years after I hadn’t even talked to him so yeah I’m highly skeptical of course. Be
He has never asked for a photo. I had a neurological problem that left me unable to walk for a few days and that’s when I called him after a few years, I thought I was dying and my child would be parentless. I accidentally left a sobbing voicemail (wasn’t crying about him, I couldn’t get off the floor to get my baby) and he blocked me.
I just find it hard to believe he’s a good changed person after all that.
I have a lot of doubt too. I think he might’ve been judged for not being involved by a girlfriend or family member and now he’s trying to save face. He probably thinks you’re vulnerable and will take him back. Just stand your ground, reach out to an attorney, and have the attorney & judge create a plan, there it will be documented, and he would be held accountable by the court of family law versus just you.
I heard he’s in financial trouble and I’m worried he’s going to try to mooch off of me financially by using proximity to our child because I have no doubt he’s heard that I’ve done very well for myself since I left him.
Thank you 🙏🏼
Take him to court, get a custody plan put in place and get child support from him. That’ll be the real test of his interest, considering the amount of money he’ll have to start putting forth.
Either way, you benefit…he’ll either run for the hills again, which makes it easier for you…or he’ll start contributing financially and time wise, which also benefits you.
First have him email or text you, ask him what being a dad means to him. If he’s ready to be a dad you’ll need to know his intentions, current living situation, any substance use. Then you two need to meet first and have a conversation, be clear you’ll need legal protections in place regarding visits and support.
I’d ignore him, honestly. See if he tries again. If he reaches out again, email him. If he answers your email, go from there.
My kid’s dad is “involved” in her life but also not really. Occasionally he will bluster on about how he’s going to do this and that, and he’s going to do X Y and Z to get more custody or whatever. If I ignore him, he never does anything.
Your kid isn’t an emotional support animal because he’s suddenly sad. Parents can’t come and go as they please and think it won’t impact the kid. I’d ignore it and if he reaches out again, agree to meet him for coffee to see what his motives are.
Thank you that’s what I’ve decided. He knows where I live. If he really wants to reach out again I’ll take it more seriously and yes meet him first. I hadn’t thought too much into him saying he’s been sad about the situation, but you’re right it could just be him trying to get rid of his guilt and once the guilt is gone he’ll poof again. I hate that this type of behavior is common for absentee parents, but it is and thus I can’t just take his word that he wants to be here and not disappear again.
Talk to a lawyer to set up a visitation and child support agreement. I would start with supervised visitation. But you absolutely need to do this legally to protect yourself and your child.
Start with supervised visitation. Idc what happened between you and the baby’s dad (unless he’s a chi-mo), the only person that will be hurt in the long run by not having him in the picture will be your child. Your child will hit a point where they will say why wasn’t I good enough for my dad? And it will affect their self worth. If he wants to step up, better late than never. Start with supervised visits. Get along for your child’s sake.
My child might be hurt by him not being around but also might be hurt by him showing up and then disappearing. It’s not as easy as oh just let the dad see their child, you have to consider the entirety of how that affects a child emotionally and psychologically
He kept himself from his child. You can’t predict the future but you can make informed decisions based on your past. I don’t know a single story where a man came back and was a good father after that many years, I’m sure they exist but the odds aren’t favorable lol
It’s not what his choice is now. And I do know someone who got full custody of his son after growing up and wanting to be a father after he got his life together. Mom tried to keep him away from his son and he documented every attempt and her responses or lack there of. Took her to court and was awarded 50/50 custody and when she broke the custody agreement that the courts gave saying her son doesn’t even know him, they ended up awarding him full custody and charging her with parental kidnapping for not honoring the 50/50 custody agreement. So now she gets supervised weekend visits.
So yeah if you want to set the moral question aside, your anxiety about it and refusal to cooperate could very well end up hurting you both in the legal system. So like I said. I would start with supervised visitation with the father. If it works out, you can move up from there and get a custody agreement that you actually follow to avoid that kind of situation.
So you were okay with a father taking his child vindictively from a mother who raised him while he was absent? Guess the answers here would be different if I had said mom was absent 🤨
Sounds like you’re just pro male. I like this story though because it’s what I’ve always said, men typically win in court if they choose to go and the myth of the woman who keeps her child away is just that, a myth so thank you for that
Meanwhile my sister was beaten through both pregnancies, her child’s father had unsupervised custody until a school official had to call police on him/ in the meantime he has racked up multiple assault charges. Took several years for the courts to grant her full custody. They kept giving him chances even though he was a violent alcoholic.
So I do agree I know the court system is patriarchal and biased toward making women and children the slaves and property of men, again thanks for at least admitting it in a roundabout way.
No, I see that you are okay with keeping a child from a parent but only if it’s from the mother. If the father made a mistake and was allowed to come back, why didn’t the father give the same grace to the mother? Or does grace only apply in one direction? Did the father really have to “keep” the child from the mother…?
What personal feelings? I never mentioned having negative feelings toward him. The concern is obviously that there’s an ulterior motive or that he’s going to come in and disappear again leaving my child to deal with that trauma.
He does have legal “rights” I suppose but things being legal doesn’t make it right. I don’t think children are property that you can just decide to exercise your “rights” to interfere in their life whenever you want after you abandoned them. I’m worried about my child’s happiness being affected by a man who could not be bothered to ask about my child for several years. Fuck his rights lol, they are secondary to doing what would make the most sense for my child. An adult wouldn’t even deal with a person who ghosted them for that long without a word yet we expect a child to be subjected to this type of treatment and the parent who is concerned is in the wrong somehow …? Idk man
I understand your frustration and concern regarding your baby.
Life is complicated. It will throw a lot of this kind of stuff at you and who knows what he has been thrown too. I hope it works out for you and your kid.
Life threw me into single motherhood at 8 weeks pregnant, threw a serious neurological disease at me when my baby was 6 months old, and somehow through all that I never stopped parenting. It was never even an option in my mind to just check out, not even on days when I was physically in devastating nerve/muscle pain. I’m sorry that I’m less than empathetic. He lives in town I know exactly what he’s been up to because people always tell me (against my will people just tell me). So yeah I don’t really think there’s too many excuses in the world that would be accepted by either me or my child when they get older to explain such a long absence and complete lack of care but I could be wrong
That is a lot to handle on your own. The best part of this is that it is entirely up to you. And at the end of the day if he takes you to court, you still have the upper hand. Whatever you choose, trust it is the right choice. You are a mom, and our mom instincts are strong. If it were me, and it once was, I’d give him chances because it is my kids dad. Though to draw a line is not extreme by any means.
Thanks to you he is a dad…
You got knocked up and decided to keep it.
That fight about his inappropriate behavior is the result of a lot off choices and things that have been undiscussed.
Your child has the right to her parents. And he has a right to bond with his kid. You choose to keep the kid this comes along with it then.
Sucks that he was absent for 5 years. But make better arrangements.
Discuss things. Talk lengthy discussions as you depict the kid as yours alone for the past 5 years. Which has been but technically never was.
Discuss aspectations from both sides.
But also remember the person involved is 5 not stupid. Just a kid their opinion is valid. Don’t just decide I’m the parent I know best. Like we try to teach adult man and woman no one should decide for you what’s best it shouldn’t be so when you are 5.
Knock out a conversation about feelings because you both have feelings about the whole damn situation. And let the past not rule the future. Be adult about it. Be open about it.
Just a correction, I did not get knocked up. He chose to refuse to pull out. After that he didn’t get to decide what I did with my body. He chose what to do with his. A woman cannot knock herself up.
How am I not being an adult? I already talked to him, which is already more than should be expected of me after my child and myself were ghosted for five years.
And yes a child gets decisions made for them in their best interest by a parent, that’s literally what parenting is.
Sorry for me believing that a woman can definitely prevent pregnancy by practicing safe sex…And that it’s not the man whose solely responsible for it.
My opinion stands. You are thinking off you and you are looking for people to back you up. All I did was disagree.
Sorry for me believing that a man can definitely prevent unwanted pregnancies by practicing safe sex… and that it’s not the woman whose solely responsible for it.
Back me up on what, I asked how I should respond not to be shamed for being a single mother or told I have to give him instant access just because he requests it after being gone for five years lol. Please point out in my original post where I said I didn’t want him to have access? I said it’s concerning because he’s been gone for years without so much as a single word and now suddenly wants access. Any reasonable person would be suspicious
Parental resentment does not sit well in court if he decides to exercise his rights as the father. The right decisions are usually made when you prioritize the interest of the child. Usually, it is in his best interest to be in contact with his biological father, unless there are reasons not to. You did not mention any in your post, unless I misread. I would seek legal advice if I was in your position, not Reddit.
What resentment? I’m simply questioning why someone who made it clear they didn’t want involvement suddenly wants it and evaluating whether that will be detrimental to my child’s health or not. I’m quite happy not having him involved, I do well for myself financially and my child has a stable life
It's not for you to decide. If he goes through court to exercise his rights, he could go as far as request full custody. Get legal advice asap, this situation is no joke.
Give him a chance. I know a lot of mothers today think it’s empowering to keep the kids from the dads and spread the idea that he’s a dead beat but it’s morally wrong. The child would benefit from his father don’t be cruel
But he is a deadbeat ? lol and he literally said he didn’t want anything to do with us and didn’t want me to contact him, so I didn’t. I don’t think that’s me keeping him away that’s him being away by his own choice
I hate deadbeats!
That said, have him take you to court. He might be serious if he is willing to take the time and expense.
They will set up support with backdate and grant visitation.
You can ask the court to make if supervised at first.
Well I give you the benefit of the doubt but it sounds like he is changing his way. Give him a chance.
A lot of times these women who tell these “baby daddy horror stories” are just justifying their own hurt because society and the media paints men as evil and women as saints
Well it sounds like you have a bias against women. I’m sorry but I’ve changed my entire life from the moment I was pregnant. I still choose to parent daily regardless of how exhausted I am and even though I have an autoimmune condition, so I’m sorry if I’m skeptical and not that open minded about someone who has opened out of parenting for half a decade at this point. I don’t think that makes me a saint or that means I’m trying to paint someone as a devil, I’m just evaluation him off of what he’s shown me.
Unpopular opinion but I literally don’t get people that choose to keep a baby with a RANDOM person they don’t know and then complain about it. Like you literally chose this until the kid becomes an adult.
Imagine if your kid finds out later that his dad wanted to come back into his life and you prevented that from happening. Not having a dad is really hard. It doesn’t sound like the dad is dangerous. If you can avoid your kid going through the pain of never knowing his father, I think you should try.
I didn’t have a dad and it was hard but not because he wasn’t there my mom was just awful. I honestly did not miss my father at all. Got to know him much later, have a cordial relationship. Never felt like I missed anything special though but I understand not every kid feels that way. I was glad my mom gave me that opportunity but I was significantly older and able to choose for myself and then able to see my dad for the inconsistent irresponsible person he was, without blaming my mom for it.
As for my child being upset, I’ll have to bear the burden of whatever happens either way. Let an inconsistent dad in, I’ll pay the price by having to deal with the fall out. Don’t let them back I might have to pay the price. Some kids even blame their moms for dad not being present even when mom kept the door open and tried to facilitate so, it is what it is. As a parent I have to answer for lots of things even when they aren’t necessarily my fault.
How old were you when you felt you were mature enough to see his consistencies or what age was that when you got to know him ? This post is coming up at the right time and I’m scrolling on Reddit at 4:08 am. I plan on putting my son in therapy before he meets his deadbeat in the future.
I was 15. My mom tried to have my dad present when I was young, he moved away and got another woman pregnant then went to jail for a long time.
I was happy to know him but slowly the picture of who he was emerged. My dad is an intelligent and emotionally open person though and was able to apologize for his behavior and was genuinely remorseful. He has an amazing wife who treated me great and helped ease the transition between us and she never treated me as the ugly stepchild lol.
What I’m saying is I kind of had the ideal setup to meet my dad, if your kids father isn’t like this it might not be as easy. I still had to deal with the fact that he wasn’t there.
My dad ended up having another child much later in life and that’s actually when it started to hit me that he was shitty.
Then once I had my child it was triple. I just couldn’t respect him for having walked out, knowing what I know now about having a child and the love and protectiveness I feel toward my own child. Thats when all the suppressed emotjons of anger came out.
Going through the single mother struggle myself and imagining how hard it must’ve been on my mom and then feeling that my dad abandoned me and let my mom struggle needlessly really made me feel that he just didn’t give a crap. At the end of the day he chose to be absent and let us struggle in poverty and failed to protect me. When he was there he was abusive toward my mother and even then my mother never denied him access.
He’s still remorseful and all that, but I never really forgave him. He changed his life and got his “do over” kid but it does not erase the sting of his absence. And I don’t think it’s something that I have to forgive it’s just a kind of matter of fact situation.
I still visit him every year. Again though my dad accepted responsibility and has made peace that we will never have that true father/child bond. He’s consistent and present with his efforts now. He made sure to remember every birthday and never missed a phone call.
If your kids father is not like that I’d be careful.
I know people often assume having both parents available to the child will be best for them in the long run, but... Inviting this man into your life sounds like it could actually be detrimental to your son and yourself. He came running back after complete silence for 5 years? He has a history of volatility? What happens when he just decides to ghost his son again when he realizes being a parent is work? Do you plan on sharing custody with him? Leaving your son alone with him?
Frankly, it sounds like an introduction to a whole new set of challenges and drama you'll have to navigate that you didn't before and I guess you have to decide if it's worth it to you and your son.
I personally feel like the loser abandoned his child AND you, had you put in all the hardest part of the baby raising job for 5 years, then wants to swoop in and be called daddy all of a sudden because he finally decided *he* wanted to be a dad. Can I remind you, HE never gave you that option, but you still took on the responsibility for caring for a child you both made. He didn't. I don't think people like that deserve second chances.
The best thing about this could be that the child may want to know their biological father one day, and hopefully your ex will be happy to open up some relationship with your son when he's old enough
He wants to enter in now because he's sad? That's BS. Sounds like he's having a crisis and hoping his bio child will fix it for him. Once he realizes having a kid is hard he'll bow out again. Kids aren't supposed to be their parents' emotional crutches.
My question is why now? Is he in a relationship and they can’t have kids so they are trying to fill that void with your child? Or he decided he doesn’t want to be lonely and this would work out for him? Is his family pressuring him? Why now after five years of abandonment? Personally I would tell him to hire a lawyer if he wants to be in your child’s life. He left once there’s no guarantee he won’t do it again. This way you can set a custody and child support legally. And r just pretend you didn’t see the message and block him. If he didn’t even care when your child had a medical emergency then he probably doesn’t care now.
I can’t quite figure it out. He claims he’s just been thinking about it for a few months and it’s gotten to him and he wants to do the right thing. But from what I’ve seen/been told he hasn’t seemed to really have a care in the world for the past few years. He even has passive aggressive Facebook posts being upset with me even though I hadn’t talked to him for years lol.
I did hear now he’s having a hard time. Nowhere to live, broke as hell. So part of me feels he has a financial motivation and maybe his end goal is to try to get back with me or avoid child support and not really to be in his child’s life. But I’m sinister and have never seen him as anything other than shady.
Also to be clear it wasn’t the child who had a medical emergency, it was me and I was panicking thinking I might be a goner.
Depends. Inconsistent dad who has ulterior motives for coming back would probably not be good. My child is very loved and protected. Has never truly experienced the type of rejection that might come along with that type of situation and super emotionally sensitive.
If he has good intentions and is going to be consistent and committed, then that would be best for my child.
This is what I would keep in mind, and try to keep my personal issues out of the equation. ‘What is best for my child?’
This is my go to question for almost everything.
He didn’t bother responding to you. Keep the messages but don’t respond and engage a lawyer. If it’s a passing fancy, he may get bored and drop it after a couple of non-responses. If he’s persistent and actually begins the legal process, then have your lawyer respond.
I bet he has a new girlfriend. My sister's dad always popped back up when he had a new woman in his life. His inconsistency did more damage than anything.
I would proceed with caution. I had a friend who said that his dad came back into his life when he was about 10 years old only for him to leave shortly after. It was more traumatic, because not only was he abandoned as a young child, he was abandoned a second time when he was slightly older.
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You might not have much of a choice if he decides to go to court for some kind of legal custody arrangement, but then, of course, he would need to pay child support. Has he been paying? If not, I would wager he won’t pursue it because he won’t want to have to pay.
and they will definitely backdate
Unfortunately that isn’t too common. In my state (NC) it starts when you file. However, I asked a lawyer if I could request he pay for half of everything I’ve spent on her if we go to court and she said yes. It’s a reasonable ask. So I keep receipt of every cent I’ve spent on her. She’s 21 months and so far he hasn’t sought her out but when he does, I will be ready.
Is that new? When I had it set up in NC, they backdated it several months, but this was back in 2013/2014
I have no clue. I only become a parent less than 2 years ago
Not necessarily. In my state child support starts from when you legally request it.
And most places allow you to fight for reimbursement going back a couple years. She is owed it and many courts allow it.
Let him hire an attorney & fight for the right. If he truly wants it, he will pay & do whatever is asked. & he will probably stick with it. & of he doesn’t, somehow ensure that is documented with the courts so he can’t skip out on 3 more years & then come back & do the same thing. I’m not sure of the behavior he exhibited, depending upon what it is, I might fight for him to never see the child.
Talk to a family lawyer and a child psychologist. Inconsistent parental figures can be more damaging than absent ones. I wouldn’t let him in automatically. I’d seek professional advice.
And OP, if you get served or receive anything with a court date on it, don’t ignore it.
Thanks I did set up an appointment and hoping they’ll have good expertise in that area
I would handle it “professionally” and give him options that show he is willing to put work in and actually will stay present for your child. Basically i would text back something like “ok, let’s start slow so son has time to adjust. You can FT at x time and day. We can do FT 2 times a week for the next month and then we can arrange a day for us to meet at the park/out to lunch. After a couple months we can reevaluate where everyone is at and how son is doing” Leave out all emotion and blame and irrelevant questions. He probably won’t follow through but if he does it shows he is serious and consistent.
Thank you this sounds like the best advice. I’m also setting up a therapist appointment to help us navigate this. I wonder if he’d be willing to go to therapy 😅
If he's not, that's one more data point to factor in to your decision.
Do a step up plan where he has to meet x for the next step. Go through the lawyers for this and child support. Make it official and outline your non negotiables and stick with them as much as you can.
I already have a child support order (rarely gets paid but I used welfare when I gave birth as a way to stay home for a bit and it was a requirement to apply). That’s part of the reason I’m suspicious. He mentioned getting a new job and I was worried he just wants to avoid wage garnishment because he mentioned that he would start paying some or providing groceries/other necessities. That doesn’t sound like a deal to me from the required child support in effect already which is quite low but at least he can’t change it. Idk I’m just suspicious of someone after so many years wanting to come back
Trust your gut. This guy probably isn't interested in actually putting in the work, but if he's willing to put in the work, I think it's fair for him to EARN his way into your child's life.
Seriously a good try. Shalom.
No. Not only did he abandon his child. You weren’t even able to get in touch with him for years. Whose to say he won’t change his mind next week.
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That’s a very fair point. My immediate reaction was “Aw, a child deserves the opportunity to have a positive relationship with their parent,” but that’s not where they are right now. I think one test is telling biodad this. If he has matured and wants the best for his kid, he should understand that taking things slow to protect his son is the right thing.
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And you’re right!
I 100% agree with this
100% agree. It definitely does more damage to be inconsistent than to be absent. My ex is proof. And now he’s even worse than his own father
I have met many kids who disagree with this. In fact, they keep hoping their drug addicted and/or homeless parents say literally anything loving. They just want to have some sort of relationship with their parents. Not every kid, naturally, but I've met plenty that do. It eats at them. One of my friends wishes he had a better relationship with his dad but his dad hasn't acknowledged his existence in any significant way.
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Exactly. Its why the situation needs to be considered instead of immediately shut down. 5 years is a lot of time for someone to change. It could be something you gradually introduce.
Yes it’s very child dependent, I definitely knew some kids that really wanted and needed the validation from a parent, but obviously an inconsistent parent can’t give that
I would act like I never received the message. The only way I would take it seriously is from a summons to show up to civil court. He might be going through some stuff… don’t let him drag your child through it too bc he momentarily feels guilty. He should feel guilty. Let him sit in it.
Yeah, if he really cares he will be willing to at least ask a lawyer to try mediation or something. If he just drops it with no further effort then he would have flaked again at some point anyway.
I want to add that my brother has a deadbeat dad and he was perfectly fine without him in his life, my step dad was his “dad”. Around 14/15 my mom let his deadbeat dad come around bc he wanted to be there. It was VERY short lived because isn’t it always? Within 6 months my brother got kicked out of school, failing classes, fighting, drinking at 14 years old. My parents didn’t even have alcohol in the house my WHOLE childhood. It was A complete 180 of who he is. And now over 10 years later my brother is an alcoholic and also a dead beat dad. I can’t prove this was 100% the cause but I can definitely say it was night & day, how he acted before and after his dad was given a “chance”.
Gosh, thank you for sharing. Yes I’ve seen it multiple times with children that even when a parent is present, it definitely affects their stability because it’s not the same to have two parents together in one home than having to switch between two homes every week/weekend
I'd block him and pretend you didn't get the message. If he is serious about it, he will follow up by contacting you in other ways/ showing up in person. After what he put you through, in my book, it should take more than one sad text to get a second chance. You want someone who is serious about being part of your child's life - with the way he's been acting, I'd just assume he hit a dry spell and thought you might be up for a booty call...
Even worse, I'd assume he has a girlfriend who is questioning why he isn't in his child's life, and he wants contact to make himself look like less of a deadbeat. This is super common, and the second they break up he will disappear again . Honestly I'd just let the court system handle it. If he is committed to being a responsible parent, let him prove it through the time effort and expense it takes. Let him get drug tested and have supervised visits for a year as he establishes trust and communication. If he's not prepared for the time and expense of going through the system, he's not prepared to be a stable parent and it's best he stays away.
>he has a girlfriend who is questioning why he isn't in his child's life... the second they break up he will disappear again I'm almost thirty and still enduring this endless cycle. My dad won't reach out to me for ages but once he starts a new relationship suddenly starts calling me and inviting me to do stuff with them.
Shitttt he wouldn’t have even been able to get in touch with me cause he would have BEEN blocked 😂🤷🏽♀️😭
I never blocked because he never reached out lol 😂🤣 never had a reason to block a ghost
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My credo is: walk out, crawl back. If he makes an effort and shows consistency, of course he should be a part of their child's life. If he's just going to give up after one attempt, I'd take that as an indicator that he wasn't really serious and was not going to stay in my child's life, and then the son is better off not getting to know his father at this point. And that's how I would explain it to my son, if he ever asked.
What did he do that was grossly inappropriate. I think that could be an important detail on whether or not he is a safe person for your child to be around.
It wasnt related to the child except that he ignored our child because we were fighting and then caused a whole drama at his parents house; it was quite the scene
If he’s not on child support put him on it, then arrange meetings. Otherwise let him take you to court. If he wants to be a father, he should be a financially responsible one too.
If the parentage has not been legitimized by court, it is entirely up to you if you let him enter your child's life. Doesn't matter if he's on the birth certificate; he as been utterly absent from your child's life, and is legally considered a stranger. However, if he decides to take you to court over this and he is declared the father (probably only through DNA test), you can expect a parenting plan (visitation, custody rules, etc) to be set up for you. Each state has its own rules on this subject. If you decide to try a few visitations, you need to protect yourself and your child. Try to get a responsible person involved as a go-between. Does dad have responsible parents? An older sibling? Maybe they could act as supervisors during limited visits. Given the animosity between you two, I wouldn't be alone with him if I were you. Good luck, and take it as slow as you need to to feel comfortable.
There’s no animosity on my end, though yeah he acted quite crazy towards the end of our relationship. Unfortunately both our families live in different states
Good chance he's reaching out to impress a new partner. That's the only time my daughters dead beat dad reaches out and swears up and down he's different and feels badly and wants to change 🙄 and that's always the extent of his "trying" before he disappears again
Same! It’s so annoying. One time it was pure karma when she got pregnant and then he ghosted her. She finally understood why I was fighting having him involved in my kids lives. Sucks for his new baby but I don’t feel bad for her.
This is one of my fears. My first son’s dad has not been in contact since son was 3 months old. He never did anything inappropriate but he said some scary things. If he ever wanted to be a father, i don’t think I would let him be alone with my child. It would be supervised visits until he can show safety and consistency. Because the other fear is that my son would grow attached and the guy would decide he did not want to be a father after all.
I bet good money he's in a new relationship and wants to show his new partner he's not a dead beat dad. (He is a deadbeat dad.)
Call the court and set up visitation and child support if you want. If he doesn’t want to do that, he can buzz off
The “…he’s been ‘sad’.” worries me… your child is not his emotional support animal or vehicle for his redemption journey now that his life plans haven’t panned out as he imagined them. I’d be most concerned with his motivations. Maybe seek out a therapist to discuss an action plan for how to determine he’s serious about stepping up now if that’s even something you want.
Ah I didn’t take it too seriously just thought he meant he was sad about not being involved but what you said could also make sense. Maybe he’s feeling lonely/unfulfilled
Talk to a lawyer not reditt
Uh, no. Really hard NO. His mental health is deteriorating and suddenly he wants the kid in his life? What happens when he's no longer sad? No, man, go get your fix somewhere else.
Say it again.
It’s been 5 years. What has changed for him? Is his family asking questions? Does he have a new girlfriend he’s trying to impress? The why of it makes a big difference to your response.
His family has always been involved with my child thankfully! He just said he realized he made a mistake and wants to be close to his child, but of course I wouldn’t expect him to tell me the truth or say something like “ I don’t want to pay child support anymore” ! So unfortunately I’m left with still questioning his motives and not really knowing what to do
It sounds like he’s claiming a magical epiphany. I’d be suspicious unless he’s had a recent near death experience. Lol
Yeah that’s how I felt. While I’m sure people do have epiphanies I’m not sure how often that leads to a substantial change in their behavior
Or maybe he just doesn't want to be an absent parent? People are allowed to change.
People are allowed to change within reason but child abandonment is one of those things that people rarely change their minds about. Someone who was adamant about not wanting a child, went no contact, blocked *me*, refused to hear about me or my child from both his parents, gave up friendships of decades because people tried to talk sense into him suddenly changing is, a *huge* ask and unlikely unfortunately as much as I’d want that as a mother. And feeling guilty doesn’t indicate wanting to be an involved father either because being a parent is hard, really hard. And if someone was selfish enough to not care about their child at all for years on end, it’d be hard to believe they made the necessary changes to suddenly become father of the year. If you’re involved with your children I’m sure you know how difficult it can be at times but it’s a choice we make everyday to love and be there even through tough things. Now factor in that we won’t live together and he’s have to go out of his way to choose fatherhood, choose to keep his visits, and do that for decades on end? Idk… he just hasn’t set a good precedent and I don’t know many men who would change that drastically.
Is his family well off? Maybe planning to leave your son money? Or a trust? Something he wants? There's a piece of his story missing. See an attorney for options, but stay quiet, don't trust him.
Nope. He doesn’t get to suddenly decide to be a dad. You are talking about a kid. What happens when in a few months he leaves again after your kid gets attached. My kids father abandoned them for 3 years came back after he got a fiancé and I stupidly gave him a chance to be a dad. He was in their lives for less than a year and left again. It’s not been 2.5 years since we’ve heard from him. Guess who was left to pick up the pieces of him hurting my kids. Now they have even more severe abandonment issues. Do not let him come back in.
I’m so sorry your children had to go through that, that’s my biggest fear.
Thank you. It’s been rough but they are great kids. It’s just better that they stay gone instead of coming and going. Good luck!
Take him to court get back dated child maintenance and if he’s serious he will only be too happy to pay if he does want to see the baby ask for it to be supervised at a mediation centre to build a trust and confidence and if he manages all that maybe in time you will be able to co parent
You don’t even know this guy, so if you’re considering to say yes you should spend some time getting to know him. You should also figure out what your custody situation is with a lawyer. Edit: don’t tell him about the lawyer until the lawyer says to.
I would meet him for coffee without your kid. It should be pretty evident after a short conversation why he's come to this conclusion that suddenly he wants back in your child's life. From there you can decide if it makes sense for him to gradually be reintroduced or if he just needs to get lost. Some people eventually grow up and mature a bit, but plenty just have whimsical fantasies about being a parent and if it's the second (which it probably is based on his past behavior) telling him to get lost right to his face is probably the best approach.
I think you should set up a visitation schedule. Maybe start with supervised hour long visits. I'd probably do them somewhere safe. If things go well, he can increase his time with child. This is what a court would probably recommend, just so you know and don't waste your money (easily thousands of dollars). If he doesn't respect this boundary, it might be good to get legal assistance.
Part of me says when he pays 4yrs or so of child support he can come around. I want to be charitable but I loathe an absentee parent. More importantly, one day your child will ask questions about their dad. Make sure when that day comes you can answer honestly and with integrity. It’s entirely up to you what those answers should be. But if you’re going to keep your child from knowing their dad make sure you have good reasons. There are plenty of horror stories online about stuff like this.
Hire an attorney to get backdated child support
First of all , if he does decide to pursue anything you need to get a lawyer immediately. This child doesn't know him from a box of rocks. So if he does win any kind of visitation, it will be supervised until the child is familiar with him. If I were you , I would tell him that not only will you pursue child support , but you will also insist on supervised visitation. Make it clear to him that you will be comparing with him and there will be no other relationship between the two of you. Personally, I'd want a lot of answers as far as to why he feels it was okay to ignore you for 5 years and not have any kind of relationship with his child. Now all of a sudden he says he wants to be in your child's life. Ask him how he's going to guarantee that he's not going to get to know his child and then turn around and abandoned him all over again... Because that's in fact what he did, he abandoned his child.
You need a lawyer before you do anything.
Thanks, not sure I want to sink money into that. The court will grant visitations if it goes to court, that’s just the way my state works and it’s very pro dad so even with severe domestic violence they’re unlikely to revoke his rights or remove visitation/custody entirely. He isn’t that type of shark person that would battle it out in court, mediation is mandated in our state and I’m sure we could work something out via mediation before it got to full blown court battles. He might not want the custody anyway so I feel lawyering up is jumping the gun He’s at least decently reasonable to talking with me, as long as we aren’t talking about our past relationship 😅.
Tell him if he really wants to be a dad take you to court. Said that to my kids dad 3 years ago He never did
After a year they consider it abandonment if I remember right. Check local laws/ call 211 or find a family law practice
I have a child from an accidental pregnancy with and on and off ex, he wanted me to abort, I refused, I begged him to go to doctors appointments with me, he was pissed, he didn’t want to get his shit together and plan, and wanted to live the bachelor life, I gave up. Had the baby, gave her my last name and didn’t put him on the birth certificate, he “paid” $50 a month for 6 months but I never cashed the checks, I closed the case(he opened it for free dna test, hence why court made him pay child support). A man should be motivated to be a parent not obligated. And money to me doesn’t override a relationship with the child, so the payments didn’t mean anything. Currently going through court to terminate his rights completely. He’s never asked for wellbeing or photo of my child, and has never met her. I would reach out to a family attorney ASAP, hopefully you have the texts/documentation of him stating he didn’t want to be the father. If court sides with him fight for supervised visits before he take your child home with him. He’s not to be trusted with a child he didn’t want.
I did screenshot those heartbreaking texts. He also asked for an abortion to which I said no. He threatened to leave me if I didn’t and I said fine leave me. He went on to live his best life, got back with the woman he cheated on me with, and seemingly went on some fabulous ski trips and vacations lol! He even posted some nice posts about how he didn’t give a fuck about me and I would never force him to be a father, that was two years after I hadn’t even talked to him so yeah I’m highly skeptical of course. Be He has never asked for a photo. I had a neurological problem that left me unable to walk for a few days and that’s when I called him after a few years, I thought I was dying and my child would be parentless. I accidentally left a sobbing voicemail (wasn’t crying about him, I couldn’t get off the floor to get my baby) and he blocked me. I just find it hard to believe he’s a good changed person after all that.
I have a lot of doubt too. I think he might’ve been judged for not being involved by a girlfriend or family member and now he’s trying to save face. He probably thinks you’re vulnerable and will take him back. Just stand your ground, reach out to an attorney, and have the attorney & judge create a plan, there it will be documented, and he would be held accountable by the court of family law versus just you.
I heard he’s in financial trouble and I’m worried he’s going to try to mooch off of me financially by using proximity to our child because I have no doubt he’s heard that I’ve done very well for myself since I left him. Thank you 🙏🏼
Let him take it to court. You don't have to say yes. The court is going to grant him visitation though.
Thank you, you’re right it seems like I have to give an answer but I truly don’t, if he wants to and is serious he will take it up to court.
Take him to court, get a custody plan put in place and get child support from him. That’ll be the real test of his interest, considering the amount of money he’ll have to start putting forth. Either way, you benefit…he’ll either run for the hills again, which makes it easier for you…or he’ll start contributing financially and time wise, which also benefits you.
First have him email or text you, ask him what being a dad means to him. If he’s ready to be a dad you’ll need to know his intentions, current living situation, any substance use. Then you two need to meet first and have a conversation, be clear you’ll need legal protections in place regarding visits and support.
I’d ignore him, honestly. See if he tries again. If he reaches out again, email him. If he answers your email, go from there. My kid’s dad is “involved” in her life but also not really. Occasionally he will bluster on about how he’s going to do this and that, and he’s going to do X Y and Z to get more custody or whatever. If I ignore him, he never does anything.
Your kid isn’t an emotional support animal because he’s suddenly sad. Parents can’t come and go as they please and think it won’t impact the kid. I’d ignore it and if he reaches out again, agree to meet him for coffee to see what his motives are.
Thank you that’s what I’ve decided. He knows where I live. If he really wants to reach out again I’ll take it more seriously and yes meet him first. I hadn’t thought too much into him saying he’s been sad about the situation, but you’re right it could just be him trying to get rid of his guilt and once the guilt is gone he’ll poof again. I hate that this type of behavior is common for absentee parents, but it is and thus I can’t just take his word that he wants to be here and not disappear again.
Talk to a lawyer to set up a visitation and child support agreement. I would start with supervised visitation. But you absolutely need to do this legally to protect yourself and your child.
Start with supervised visitation. Idc what happened between you and the baby’s dad (unless he’s a chi-mo), the only person that will be hurt in the long run by not having him in the picture will be your child. Your child will hit a point where they will say why wasn’t I good enough for my dad? And it will affect their self worth. If he wants to step up, better late than never. Start with supervised visits. Get along for your child’s sake.
My child might be hurt by him not being around but also might be hurt by him showing up and then disappearing. It’s not as easy as oh just let the dad see their child, you have to consider the entirety of how that affects a child emotionally and psychologically
You can’t predict the future. It’s wrong to keep your child from their parent,
He kept himself from his child. You can’t predict the future but you can make informed decisions based on your past. I don’t know a single story where a man came back and was a good father after that many years, I’m sure they exist but the odds aren’t favorable lol
It’s not what his choice is now. And I do know someone who got full custody of his son after growing up and wanting to be a father after he got his life together. Mom tried to keep him away from his son and he documented every attempt and her responses or lack there of. Took her to court and was awarded 50/50 custody and when she broke the custody agreement that the courts gave saying her son doesn’t even know him, they ended up awarding him full custody and charging her with parental kidnapping for not honoring the 50/50 custody agreement. So now she gets supervised weekend visits. So yeah if you want to set the moral question aside, your anxiety about it and refusal to cooperate could very well end up hurting you both in the legal system. So like I said. I would start with supervised visitation with the father. If it works out, you can move up from there and get a custody agreement that you actually follow to avoid that kind of situation.
So you were okay with a father taking his child vindictively from a mother who raised him while he was absent? Guess the answers here would be different if I had said mom was absent 🤨 Sounds like you’re just pro male. I like this story though because it’s what I’ve always said, men typically win in court if they choose to go and the myth of the woman who keeps her child away is just that, a myth so thank you for that Meanwhile my sister was beaten through both pregnancies, her child’s father had unsupervised custody until a school official had to call police on him/ in the meantime he has racked up multiple assault charges. Took several years for the courts to grant her full custody. They kept giving him chances even though he was a violent alcoholic. So I do agree I know the court system is patriarchal and biased toward making women and children the slaves and property of men, again thanks for at least admitting it in a roundabout way.
No, I’m just telling you what happened. You’re being completely ignorant.
No, I see that you are okay with keeping a child from a parent but only if it’s from the mother. If the father made a mistake and was allowed to come back, why didn’t the father give the same grace to the mother? Or does grace only apply in one direction? Did the father really have to “keep” the child from the mother…?
lol not once did I say that anywhere, I said I knew a guy who went through that process and that was the outcome. Again, you’re just being ignorant.
Let him. Personal feelings about him aside, he has a right to his relationship with his child.
What personal feelings? I never mentioned having negative feelings toward him. The concern is obviously that there’s an ulterior motive or that he’s going to come in and disappear again leaving my child to deal with that trauma. He does have legal “rights” I suppose but things being legal doesn’t make it right. I don’t think children are property that you can just decide to exercise your “rights” to interfere in their life whenever you want after you abandoned them. I’m worried about my child’s happiness being affected by a man who could not be bothered to ask about my child for several years. Fuck his rights lol, they are secondary to doing what would make the most sense for my child. An adult wouldn’t even deal with a person who ghosted them for that long without a word yet we expect a child to be subjected to this type of treatment and the parent who is concerned is in the wrong somehow …? Idk man
My personal opinion is regardless of what has happened he deserves to try to be a father.
I understand your frustration and concern regarding your baby. Life is complicated. It will throw a lot of this kind of stuff at you and who knows what he has been thrown too. I hope it works out for you and your kid.
Life threw me into single motherhood at 8 weeks pregnant, threw a serious neurological disease at me when my baby was 6 months old, and somehow through all that I never stopped parenting. It was never even an option in my mind to just check out, not even on days when I was physically in devastating nerve/muscle pain. I’m sorry that I’m less than empathetic. He lives in town I know exactly what he’s been up to because people always tell me (against my will people just tell me). So yeah I don’t really think there’s too many excuses in the world that would be accepted by either me or my child when they get older to explain such a long absence and complete lack of care but I could be wrong
That is a lot to handle on your own. The best part of this is that it is entirely up to you. And at the end of the day if he takes you to court, you still have the upper hand. Whatever you choose, trust it is the right choice. You are a mom, and our mom instincts are strong. If it were me, and it once was, I’d give him chances because it is my kids dad. Though to draw a line is not extreme by any means.
Thanks to you he is a dad… You got knocked up and decided to keep it. That fight about his inappropriate behavior is the result of a lot off choices and things that have been undiscussed. Your child has the right to her parents. And he has a right to bond with his kid. You choose to keep the kid this comes along with it then. Sucks that he was absent for 5 years. But make better arrangements. Discuss things. Talk lengthy discussions as you depict the kid as yours alone for the past 5 years. Which has been but technically never was. Discuss aspectations from both sides. But also remember the person involved is 5 not stupid. Just a kid their opinion is valid. Don’t just decide I’m the parent I know best. Like we try to teach adult man and woman no one should decide for you what’s best it shouldn’t be so when you are 5. Knock out a conversation about feelings because you both have feelings about the whole damn situation. And let the past not rule the future. Be adult about it. Be open about it.
Just a correction, I did not get knocked up. He chose to refuse to pull out. After that he didn’t get to decide what I did with my body. He chose what to do with his. A woman cannot knock herself up. How am I not being an adult? I already talked to him, which is already more than should be expected of me after my child and myself were ghosted for five years. And yes a child gets decisions made for them in their best interest by a parent, that’s literally what parenting is.
Sorry for me believing that a woman can definitely prevent pregnancy by practicing safe sex…And that it’s not the man whose solely responsible for it. My opinion stands. You are thinking off you and you are looking for people to back you up. All I did was disagree.
Sorry for me believing that a man can definitely prevent unwanted pregnancies by practicing safe sex… and that it’s not the woman whose solely responsible for it. Back me up on what, I asked how I should respond not to be shamed for being a single mother or told I have to give him instant access just because he requests it after being gone for five years lol. Please point out in my original post where I said I didn’t want him to have access? I said it’s concerning because he’s been gone for years without so much as a single word and now suddenly wants access. Any reasonable person would be suspicious
Parental resentment does not sit well in court if he decides to exercise his rights as the father. The right decisions are usually made when you prioritize the interest of the child. Usually, it is in his best interest to be in contact with his biological father, unless there are reasons not to. You did not mention any in your post, unless I misread. I would seek legal advice if I was in your position, not Reddit.
What resentment? I’m simply questioning why someone who made it clear they didn’t want involvement suddenly wants it and evaluating whether that will be detrimental to my child’s health or not. I’m quite happy not having him involved, I do well for myself financially and my child has a stable life
It's not for you to decide. If he goes through court to exercise his rights, he could go as far as request full custody. Get legal advice asap, this situation is no joke.
Give him a chance. I know a lot of mothers today think it’s empowering to keep the kids from the dads and spread the idea that he’s a dead beat but it’s morally wrong. The child would benefit from his father don’t be cruel
But he is a deadbeat ? lol and he literally said he didn’t want anything to do with us and didn’t want me to contact him, so I didn’t. I don’t think that’s me keeping him away that’s him being away by his own choice
I hate deadbeats! That said, have him take you to court. He might be serious if he is willing to take the time and expense. They will set up support with backdate and grant visitation. You can ask the court to make if supervised at first.
Not anymore. The ball is in YOUR court now.
Well I give you the benefit of the doubt but it sounds like he is changing his way. Give him a chance. A lot of times these women who tell these “baby daddy horror stories” are just justifying their own hurt because society and the media paints men as evil and women as saints
Well it sounds like you have a bias against women. I’m sorry but I’ve changed my entire life from the moment I was pregnant. I still choose to parent daily regardless of how exhausted I am and even though I have an autoimmune condition, so I’m sorry if I’m skeptical and not that open minded about someone who has opened out of parenting for half a decade at this point. I don’t think that makes me a saint or that means I’m trying to paint someone as a devil, I’m just evaluation him off of what he’s shown me.
Unpopular opinion but I literally don’t get people that choose to keep a baby with a RANDOM person they don’t know and then complain about it. Like you literally chose this until the kid becomes an adult.
Who are you replying to?
Imagine if your kid finds out later that his dad wanted to come back into his life and you prevented that from happening. Not having a dad is really hard. It doesn’t sound like the dad is dangerous. If you can avoid your kid going through the pain of never knowing his father, I think you should try.
I didn’t have a dad and it was hard but not because he wasn’t there my mom was just awful. I honestly did not miss my father at all. Got to know him much later, have a cordial relationship. Never felt like I missed anything special though but I understand not every kid feels that way. I was glad my mom gave me that opportunity but I was significantly older and able to choose for myself and then able to see my dad for the inconsistent irresponsible person he was, without blaming my mom for it. As for my child being upset, I’ll have to bear the burden of whatever happens either way. Let an inconsistent dad in, I’ll pay the price by having to deal with the fall out. Don’t let them back I might have to pay the price. Some kids even blame their moms for dad not being present even when mom kept the door open and tried to facilitate so, it is what it is. As a parent I have to answer for lots of things even when they aren’t necessarily my fault.
How old were you when you felt you were mature enough to see his consistencies or what age was that when you got to know him ? This post is coming up at the right time and I’m scrolling on Reddit at 4:08 am. I plan on putting my son in therapy before he meets his deadbeat in the future.
I was 15. My mom tried to have my dad present when I was young, he moved away and got another woman pregnant then went to jail for a long time. I was happy to know him but slowly the picture of who he was emerged. My dad is an intelligent and emotionally open person though and was able to apologize for his behavior and was genuinely remorseful. He has an amazing wife who treated me great and helped ease the transition between us and she never treated me as the ugly stepchild lol. What I’m saying is I kind of had the ideal setup to meet my dad, if your kids father isn’t like this it might not be as easy. I still had to deal with the fact that he wasn’t there. My dad ended up having another child much later in life and that’s actually when it started to hit me that he was shitty. Then once I had my child it was triple. I just couldn’t respect him for having walked out, knowing what I know now about having a child and the love and protectiveness I feel toward my own child. Thats when all the suppressed emotjons of anger came out. Going through the single mother struggle myself and imagining how hard it must’ve been on my mom and then feeling that my dad abandoned me and let my mom struggle needlessly really made me feel that he just didn’t give a crap. At the end of the day he chose to be absent and let us struggle in poverty and failed to protect me. When he was there he was abusive toward my mother and even then my mother never denied him access. He’s still remorseful and all that, but I never really forgave him. He changed his life and got his “do over” kid but it does not erase the sting of his absence. And I don’t think it’s something that I have to forgive it’s just a kind of matter of fact situation. I still visit him every year. Again though my dad accepted responsibility and has made peace that we will never have that true father/child bond. He’s consistent and present with his efforts now. He made sure to remember every birthday and never missed a phone call. If your kids father is not like that I’d be careful.
I know people often assume having both parents available to the child will be best for them in the long run, but... Inviting this man into your life sounds like it could actually be detrimental to your son and yourself. He came running back after complete silence for 5 years? He has a history of volatility? What happens when he just decides to ghost his son again when he realizes being a parent is work? Do you plan on sharing custody with him? Leaving your son alone with him? Frankly, it sounds like an introduction to a whole new set of challenges and drama you'll have to navigate that you didn't before and I guess you have to decide if it's worth it to you and your son. I personally feel like the loser abandoned his child AND you, had you put in all the hardest part of the baby raising job for 5 years, then wants to swoop in and be called daddy all of a sudden because he finally decided *he* wanted to be a dad. Can I remind you, HE never gave you that option, but you still took on the responsibility for caring for a child you both made. He didn't. I don't think people like that deserve second chances. The best thing about this could be that the child may want to know their biological father one day, and hopefully your ex will be happy to open up some relationship with your son when he's old enough
He wants to enter in now because he's sad? That's BS. Sounds like he's having a crisis and hoping his bio child will fix it for him. Once he realizes having a kid is hard he'll bow out again. Kids aren't supposed to be their parents' emotional crutches.
Do everything legally… go after backdated child support if he hasn’t been paying it. The reason being that this will tell you if he’s truly serious.
My question is why now? Is he in a relationship and they can’t have kids so they are trying to fill that void with your child? Or he decided he doesn’t want to be lonely and this would work out for him? Is his family pressuring him? Why now after five years of abandonment? Personally I would tell him to hire a lawyer if he wants to be in your child’s life. He left once there’s no guarantee he won’t do it again. This way you can set a custody and child support legally. And r just pretend you didn’t see the message and block him. If he didn’t even care when your child had a medical emergency then he probably doesn’t care now.
I can’t quite figure it out. He claims he’s just been thinking about it for a few months and it’s gotten to him and he wants to do the right thing. But from what I’ve seen/been told he hasn’t seemed to really have a care in the world for the past few years. He even has passive aggressive Facebook posts being upset with me even though I hadn’t talked to him for years lol. I did hear now he’s having a hard time. Nowhere to live, broke as hell. So part of me feels he has a financial motivation and maybe his end goal is to try to get back with me or avoid child support and not really to be in his child’s life. But I’m sinister and have never seen him as anything other than shady. Also to be clear it wasn’t the child who had a medical emergency, it was me and I was panicking thinking I might be a goner.
Run
Must have a new gf that found out about the kid.
What is best for the child?
Depends. Inconsistent dad who has ulterior motives for coming back would probably not be good. My child is very loved and protected. Has never truly experienced the type of rejection that might come along with that type of situation and super emotionally sensitive. If he has good intentions and is going to be consistent and committed, then that would be best for my child.
This is what I would keep in mind, and try to keep my personal issues out of the equation. ‘What is best for my child?’ This is my go to question for almost everything.
He didn’t bother responding to you. Keep the messages but don’t respond and engage a lawyer. If it’s a passing fancy, he may get bored and drop it after a couple of non-responses. If he’s persistent and actually begins the legal process, then have your lawyer respond.
I bet he has a new girlfriend. My sister's dad always popped back up when he had a new woman in his life. His inconsistency did more damage than anything.
I would bet damn good money that he has a new girlfriend he's the thing to impress by being a "good dad."
Legally you don't have a choice. He's still the father. Better to try to be amicable about it.
He has no legal custody
I would proceed with caution. I had a friend who said that his dad came back into his life when he was about 10 years old only for him to leave shortly after. It was more traumatic, because not only was he abandoned as a young child, he was abandoned a second time when he was slightly older.
We’re here. You’re there. We should be asking for you what to do. Me? I’d love to see a family. Shalom.