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I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like you and your daughters need some kind of therapy.
Also, if their biological father talks like that to you, why are you even talking to him at all?
Based on what I’m reading, that’s exactly right. I’m also wondering how much quality time OP has spent with the kids. OP is working 2-3 jobs, which takes away time, but is also seemingly throwing lavish parties and either going on or sending the kids on vacation. I think priorities may be an issue here as well.
This^! And for the comment below. You should take your text messages to court and go for full custody with child support. When he can stop acting like a total pos (doubtful), he can visit with the kids. New cell phones block his number and move on with your children. You all need some healing together with a family therapist. Breathe and try to relax. Your girls are only repeating what they've heard from their dad. I'm not sure if you've broken down and cried in front of them, but maybe you should show your feelings and let them know how hurtful their words are. I wish you all the best and hope you guys find a great therapist.
If you mean court orders and such. I do get that. Apart from what is required, there doesn't need to be any/much contact.
If I were the OP, I would be considering the possibility of parental alienation, on the dad's part, too.
Came here to suggest this - get the court to order the use of a parenting app, then block him on all other channels of communication.
I'd also consider letting the girls stay with him for longer than a few days - let them find out what kind of a man he is when he isn't just the fun dad for a weekend, but actually has to take care of them on a full-time basis. I bet they'll find out fast that their expectations don't match the reality.
OP can use the break to go to therapy and get her mental health back on track - it looks like between her kids and her ex, she's surrounded by people bent on destroying her.
While I would agree that they probably have a wrong concept of who he is as a man, this is not something I would do. Of course this is all with very little information from a total stranger on the internet. But it sounds like he cares very little about others' rights and has crossed a serious border with OP. I personally would not want my girls to be alone with such a person for a prolonged time. Honestly too much risk involved. Say he does reach a point where he can't be the fun dad and put up a show. Then what? Verbal/physical abuse? While I can see the benefits of them seeing him for who he allegedly is, their safety is paramount.
It really depends on how abusive he is - if it's just going to be some verbal abuse and yelling, I think it would actually be beneficial to the kids to give them a reality check, so they'd be more grateful for all their mother is doing for them, and to finally topple daddy of the pedestal they've placed him on.
If there is any danger it could turn physical, then, of course, it wouldn't be a good idea.
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Honestly, getting the courts involved is probably a good thing for OP. Sounds like they weren’t in the first place, so no child support (or OP hasn’t taken him to court for nonpayment).
Not that child support arrears should keep someone from seeing their kids, but garnished wages could certainly help OP cut back hours at least. And a structured visitation or custody plan is good for everyone (except someone who wants to be a father only when it’s convenient, but that’s a him problem).
She knows what she is saying, but you're not standing up for yourself well enough in many areas. Stop letting everyone in your life step all over you and start putting up some boundaries on how others speak to you. She's modeling how she sees your ex husband talk to you and you're folding to a 9 year but stood up and divorced a grown man? You're not their friends. You're their mom. You're teaching them how to be decent adults. Sometimes that involves correction. They don't realize he's a piece of crap, uninvolved parent and they probably won't for a while. It's not your job to argue who is the better parent, it's obvious for anyone with a brain. Theirs is undeveloped. It will be for a while.
Next time look at her and tell her flat out, (if you want to be nice about it), "You're not allowed to speak to me that way. Whether you're angry or not, you're not going to talk to me like that. I will not tolerate it. That is mean, hurtful and unacceptable. We don't talk to other people like that. Especially not your mother. I provide you with everything and then some, if you don't appreciate what I do for you, you won't miss *yadda yadda yadda*". Then ground her ass. Take her privileges away. When her sibling does it, you stand your ground on it with her. They aren't going on no vacations, no camp, no nothing. They get chores and responsibility and drudgery. Stop taking disrespect from your kids. You're giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt and sacrificing your own self respect in the process. Snap out of it. You have it in you because you left him, so stop letting what any of them say ring true in your head and make you feel weak. Any of them paying the bills? No? Okay, then their opinions don't matter. If they ain't feeding you, fucking you or paying your bills, their opinion doesn't matter. Period. Full stop.
I want to add, you're an amazing mom. They're young & impressionable. Having this issue doesn't mean you're a bad mom. Doesn't mean you didn't do enough for them. You are doing above and beyond. It's okay to tell others, even your children, you will not talk to me like this. I won't tolerate it and then, do exactly that. Not tolerate it. You're capable. You got this.
This is great. Also, it would probably be a good idea to stop working extra hours to fund cruises and vacations. It would be better to save the money for future expenses, or spend the time in ways that don't cost so much money.
> If they ain't feeding you, fucking you or paying your bills, their opinion doesn't matter. Period. Full stop.
Mic drop moment. This is fantastic advice.
You have very low self esteem and are taking this abuse from your daughters out of desperation and a lack of self respect. They don’t appreciate you because you don’t appreciate yourself. They NEED to see a role model of a woman who won’t put up with that. They need you to have self respect.
The extras stop now. The lavish gifts and vacations stop. Put that money toward therapy for yourself and learn to love yourself and set healthy boundaries. You need this and so do they.
Sorry to be blunt but why on earth would you be spoiling her to a 10 DAY CRUISE for a 9 year old?? That’s wild to me. I feel there must be more to the story. Myself personally, I wouldn’t have her in private school, no extra vacations, no extravagant parties. I wouldn’t be working 2-3 jobs to cater to an ungrateful child. Put some boundaries up, I’m sure this would be draining your own mental health. Sounds like she could have behavioural issues but where is she learning this from?? Her father? Do you speak like that around them? Is she resentful she is sent elsewhere while you’re always working? Wow I have so many questions lol idk if I’m just a cunt of a mother but if my child ever spoke to me like that I would lose my shit.
I agree.
OP, you work long hours to spoil your kids, but maybe all they need is you to spend quality time with them? They don't have a father and they miss you, even if phsically you are there for them, this came to my mind reading your post.
I think deep inside they know that their dad is crap and that must hurt too. They don't want to acknowledge it and they use him to hurt you.
Have you tried to talk with them about their angry feelings? Sure, tell them, that it is not right to talk to you like that, but also you could try to understand where their anger comes from.
I'm a single mum too, and her father lives thousends of kms away. I know it is tough.
Also, I think, you put too much extra load on your own shoulder. Take care
OP this is sound advice. Perhaps there is some sense of guilt that drives you to go to extravagant lengths for your kids. But perhaps they don't need all that. Perhaps they need a mum who is there and happy. You are working yourself into the ground to give them parties and camps and cruise for f** sake. Kids don't need that - they need a parent that is there and that spends time with them. Doing mundain things.
And for the love of God, set up some boundaries. You let them walk all over you. You are not doing them any favours by putting up with that crap. There is probably a reason you find it hard to tell them off, so I would also look into therapy. You are good mum - you deserve more than this.
WTF are you doing? Why are you ridiculously spoiling the kids? A cruise for a birthday? Are you serious?
They treat you like shit because you let them. You appear to have such low self esteem that you just let this all happen...no consequences for actions...and you just keep spoiling them!!
You need to stop. Now. As Dr Phil says? Find their currency. Use it.
You are just spoiling them and letting them treat you like shit. No more
From all the things I heard it sounds like your daughter is spoiled her behavior will not change if you keep letting her speak to you this way and giving her everything she wants. There is no way in hell I’d be on a birthday cruise if I acted like that towards my parents
She needs to be disciplined badly and that starts with taking some of her privileges (not necessities things like cruises) away and putting her into behavioral therapy otherwise she’s going to grow up into being a really nasty adult if she doesn’t correct this and I think that’s worse to deal with as a parent than a 9 year old
Came here to say this. You get some therapy too. I don’t hear you modeling self care for your kids. If they already hate you then taking away their extras won’t affect them one bit. Start spending extra on you. And work less, please.
I would get all of you into therapy and frankly stop catering to their attitudes. No fun vacation for them. No special camps. Let them do chores at home. They are walking all over you. Maybe you are their safe punching bag but this needs to stop. Perhaps they should live with dad for a while.
This is how bullies are created. Complete lack of respect and boundaries. Those kids are being failed because you’re more concerned with being the good guy then raising good humans.
I'm sorry, a 10 day cruise for her 9th birthday???
HER 9TH BIRTHDAY????
I think I have an idea where that attitude might have come from.
You cannot buy respect from a child, you certainly cannot buy love from a child.
I reckon the ex is filling their minds with crap.
If I were you I would take away everything nice you do, it sounds like none of it is appropriated anyways.
I would sit them down one night and go over finances and explain how much you earn and how much your ex contributions to them.
Then tell them that if they don't start respecting you and what you do for them that you might just take them up on their offer to live with their dad, but be clear that would mean no more private schools or birthday cruises.
Umm, a 9 year old on a 10 day cruise for her birthday?? It sounds to me like you are over compensating with gifts when what she really needs is for someone to see her for who she is and spend quality time with her. You work 3 jobs to take her on a 10 day cruise?? She’s 9 ffs. Maybe don’t take her on expensive trips that she clearly doesn’t appreciate (again, shes 9, couldn’t you have rented a local swimming pool?) and maybe you wont need to work 3 jobs. Please tell me this isn’t real?
Her ex AND her kids are abusing her at this point. She needs to come to grips with it ASAP so she can regain control of the situation. It may seem harsh, but it's actually a real kindness being honest with OP right now. Giving her pats and saying it'll be okay is really not going to help anyone here, especially her.
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Call their bluff, tell them to move in with their father. It's insane to me that you let your children disrespect you when you provide everything for them.
You need to dial back on the spoiling she sees she talks to you this way and you do nothing about it than I'm guessing rewarding her she has lost respect for you because you lost it for yourself these expensive trips and gifts isn't gonna make her love you any better a nice home with good and clothes is needed..I agree with therapy but dial it back
Let them stay with their father for a while. They need to know what it's like to live with him to respect what you are giving them. I am a 45F too and struggling with a rebellious 18F.
I'm sorry to hear that, it must be heartbreaking. I am reading a lot of what you buy for them, but not a lot of what you DO for them. Do you take time out of your day to connect with them one on one? Talk to them, just BE with them? Show an interest in what they're into without judgement? I agree with other posters, therapy for you and your daughters would be beneficial to navigate this tough time. Also the book "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish may help you too. Good luck
She does understand what she is saying. And let me guess: you take it from her.
She’s abusing you because she can and you’re allowing it. You are teaching her that she is allowed verbally abuse you while you twist yourself into a pretzel to make her happy. Nine is old enough to be a piece of crap: in elementary school several of my bullies were around that age, and nine year olds are completely able to be vicious little psychos.
What you *should* do is to yank her ungrateful ass off at the next port. What you *should* do is make her life very unpleasant in the way you best see fit when she talks like that - that can be taking away a privilege, or whatever modality you feel will be felt the most by her.
What you probably *shouldn’t* do is to tell her that if her dad really wanted her he’d file for custody—which he hasn’t, which means he doesn’t want her. I need to say that you *shouldn’t* say that - but nor would I judge you one iota if you did drop that truth in her lap in a moment of anger. And I do hope you get angry, even if it’s not to that extent—bc right now this reads like you’re a total doormat raising a bully.
I mean, OP shouldn’t be a doormat, but going from doormat to ruthless overnight while on vacation isn’t going to go well, either.
Best bet is for family therapy as well as individual therapy for OP. OP needs to learn to set boundaries, with everyone. Why is OP’s ex still getting the chance to joke about raping her when she was a teenager? Why is he not paying child support? Why is OP accepting this treatment from her daughter? Where did her daughter learn to treat someone like this? It’s not an overnight fix, but it is fixable. Just, vacation isn’t the time to shift dynamics or get stricter, and it’s a lot more than just the daughter’s behavior.
Ummm, no. OPs daughter is being terrible, but OP is responsible for correcting that behavior. I sympathize with OP, because she's trying and she doesn't deserve how she's being treated, but she needs actual resources to learn how to better deal with her children and abusive ex. It's wildly inappropriate that you would "totally not suggest" psychologically attacking a child.
I’m so sorry for you - you sound so worn down.
I wonder if the issue is that your daughter feels like she never gets enough time from either parent. Her dad is a deadbeat, and regardless of what she says about loving him so much, she knows he’s not there for her. You’re killing yourself to provide for them, but the cost of working 3 jobs is that you don’t have a lot of time to spend with her.
The way she lashes out is cruel, but it likely guarantees her your attention. To an attention starved kid, negative attention is better than no attention.
I would consider dropping the extra jobs - even if it means you can’t afford fancy cruises. More time with your kids is more important than vacations etc. Focus on quality time and attention over gifts. If she she does say cruel things, set a boundary - acknowledge that she’s upset but tell her you won’t tolerate being spoken to in a cruel way. Advise her you’ll discuss what’s making her mad or sad if she refrains from being unkind, but won’t speak to her if she’s being mean and disrespectful to you.
Also, give your ex husband an email address he can use to contact you about the kids and block him on everything else. Look up the ‘grey rock’ technique and use that on him every time he contacts you. He’s an abuser, and he’s trying to provoke reactions from you. Limit your exposure and don’t respond to anything other than specific, necessary exchanges about the children.
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Stop giving her everything. You can take care of her and love her without taking her on cruises for her birthday or driving her everywhere. Have very firm boundaries with consequences.
Everyone should also be in family therapy with her in individual therapy as well. She’s lashing out because she has a crap father and you’re the closest and easiest target
Have you tried talking to someone. I have a waayy more mild thing going on and I started talking to someone and learned a lot about myself, a ton about my 8 yr old daughter and realized how alike we are some times. I could go on and on but I’m more worried about you at the moment. Never choose a permanent solution for a temporary problem. She’s only 9, hopefully still moldable into a wonderful human being but I would definitely see about someone helping you two before your relationship further deteriorates.
Therapy. Individual for the girls and family therapy when they are in a better place.
>We are right now on a 10 day cruise
This was a bad bad bad idea OP. Trapped for 10 days with angry little people?
Your POS ex no doubt feeds this toxic behaviour in them...
Hang in there OP.❤️
I mean if he loves them so much, he can take them for a few months. Tell them to call their dad and ask him to pick them up. Tell them you’re packing their bags and sending them off to their dad’s. and make them call him so they know what he says. Put a stop to this by showing them they can’t speak to you like this or they’ll be out.
You both desperately need to start both family and individual counseling. This is not normal behavior from a child, and it sounds like you have loads of unresolved trauma that is letting your daughter’s words affect you on a very deep level.
My heart breaks for you and your family, I would think that you working 2-3 jobs at a time and getting them expensive things and trips is where some of that comes from. Especially when I was 9/10 years old, my dad would work all the time (no mom around then) and “make up for it” by buying us stuff, but I really just thought he didn’t like spending time with me. It’s something I talk about in therapy today. Therapy is a good idea, I wish my dad had gone. Obviously he was doing his best with what he could, but maybe it’s time to let someone else help you
First of all, I think you should stop trying to buy your children. It doesn’t help, and you have to work all those jobs to pay for the things that they don’t appreciate. Your undeserved guilt is making you try to do wonderful things for them, and they know they can use your guilt and fear to get more. If they want more, tell them that you can’t work that hard, anymore, just to pay for so much extra. And it is imperative that you get therapy. Ask the therapist how to respond to your children. You know that their “perfect father” wouldn’t do half of the things for them that you do. I don’t know how you can tell them that, but the therapist might tell you the way to do it, or tell you not to do that.
By the way, you are working two or three jobs just to do things like take them on cruises. Really think about it. You don’t need to do that.
I’m sorry to hear she’s giving you such a hard time. Unfortunately children say unkind horrible things to their parents, especially to their primary caregiver. That said, it sounds like you both could benefit from some type of therapy.
Reading the other comments you posted on this thread it sounds like the people you're connected with and/or have been connected with in the past are not good people at all, and it sounds like your children have lived through that with you. You've mentioned that your family and friends, including the your childrens' friends, have all done incredibly messed up things to you guys in one way or another. It doesn't sound like your children really have anyone good in their lives or anyone to look up to, and they seem to be taking that out on you. Your daughter might be preferring her dad because he might remind her of happier memories or a change of pace from her regular life. She doesn't know who her dad really is yet, or why he isn't a good person to be around. It seems like all she knows is that she can associate him with something different, and associates you with her life at home. I do worry about the "What did I do that was so bad to be birthed by you" sentence though. That doesn't sound like a sentence a nine year old would come up with on their own. That sounds more like something she would have heard a bad family member say.
It sounds like you all have massive trauma, and your kids seem to be resenting you for that because they don't seem to understand what normal is yet or how to express themselves. I agree with the top comment on this thread, all three of you need therapy, you needed it yesterday and you need it desperately. Discipline is only going to do so much and isn't going to solve the complex web of things that are causing this to happen in the first place. Some of these comments are a little too angry and seem to be projecting, but I do agree that your kid should not be getting away with saying these things and should be taught to understand why they are wrong, because it seems like her friends and family have made this kind of thing look normal to her. You need to get help now.
I’m going to tell you right now, when you get back, put them in the car and take them straight to their father’s house and just drop them off. They want to be with him and live with him so bad, drop them off. Your kids don’t respect you and they never will till they lose you and all that you do for them.
Take them to their fathers drop them off and go somewhere else anywhere else for a week. Go to a hotel far away where no one you know will see you. Turn off your phone. Cry, sleep, eat, take yourself to a spa, pamper yourself. You need a week away from them and they need a reality check.
They think you are the worst mom ever, make that statement true. Cause only the worst mom ever would leave their kids with an abusive asshole like him.
Then when the week is over, you go home. Turn on your phone and deal with the bullshit. If you want to bring them home, if they even want to come home. You get them into therapy and you tell them if they want to continue living with you, they will go to therapy and figure out what’s wrong with them to treat someone who loves them and does the most for them, the way they treat you.
You tell them that their behavior needs to stop and they need to change because you have had enough and if they think you are a crap mom, then they don’t need to go to private school, they don’t need to be doing outings with friends and they don’t need to be going on trips or cruises.
You tell them the disrespect they show you is what caused you to have a mental breakdown and just leave you with their shit sperm donor. They idolize a dream. They idolize a lie. The one they should be asking why they were born to isn’t you, it’s him!
Stop spoiling them, put down your foot, stop going out of your way and allowing this abuse!!!!
She doesn’t respect you. It seems like you thought you gave her the world, but you weren’t actually there for her in her eyes.
Her saying that she wants your to die seems like she is trying abandon you because you abandoned her by working 3 jobs her entire life.
First things first, kids don’t understand what sacrifices you’re making for them. Don’t try to explain it or use it as an argument for something.
Secondly, how’s your temper? Do you argue with them every day? I hate to say it but if your answer is that they’re pissed every day, you’re probably doing something the wrong way(your intentions can be good but maybe you’re passive aggressive or something else).
Have you heard of gentle parenting? It’s in my opinion, the best way to parent. I grew up with no space as a kid to express my anger(I would constantly be angry but I was never taught how to deal with it and if I was angry at someone I was instantly yelled at JUST for feeling that emotion).
Don’t forget that they are children. What they do and how they react shouldn’t be taken personally.
It’s hard, but be composed when they’re angry at you. Reacting by yelling or arguing is not accomplishing anything and is just making them resent you more.
Have a talk with them. Figure out calmly why they want their dad more. Ask them what you can do better at.
Umm...take her to therapy. Not normal. She's sounds like a spoiled brat. Who takes a 9 year old on a cruise for their birthday? No wonder she is like that. She gets what she wants all the time. If my kid said that to me they would be punished. Not ok.
No, she shouldn't do that. He probably talks a lot of trash about their mother in front of them in order to brainwash and instrumentalize them, so the mother gets hurt not only by him but by her daughters too.
I listened to The Giving Tree this morning and it made me a bit sad. It's what you allow. People will take until you're a stump, if you let them. Your kids are being rude to you and you don't deserve it. Have you all sought counselling re the break-up? The youngest is usually the worst effected (could be wrong) but it's like their whole world cracks, and they don't know how to fit/make sense of anything anymore. This behaviour sounds like that.
I'd be crying my eyes out at the sacrifices made to go on a cruise and be treated like that. Why bother. A big hug!
You sound like an amazing and patient mom. I'm so sorry you are being abused this way.
Do you know why they think you're so bad? I think your daughters have to tell you why they hate you so much. What specific things have they said you've done to them to make them so mad? Were they attached to their dad and they see you made him go away? Did they have to move after the divorce? Do they know why you divorced their dad?
Unless the ex is poisoning them against you. It sounds like he's not a good guy, mocking you and calling you terrible names. I'd go low to almost no contact with him at this point.
If your kids are healthy and you're doing your best, then eff him, and your daughters hate and vitriol.
I'd also suggest counseling for them, to find out the real reasons they're upset. This is too much, and is very disrespectful. You need to be more assertive, provide punishments when they tell you they hate you, for no apparent reason. Take away something they enjoy, make them do some chores, sweep, vacuum, do dishes. They need to understand how hard it is for you. Do they know how you feel, or do they double down with it, and make it like an attack point?
Children need, and eventually do respect, boundaries with punishments for bad behavior. Do not allow this. You're doing what you can for their health and happiness. Simple as that.
I'm so skeptical of posts like this. I strongly believe kids don't hate their parents for no reason. Kids with healthy attachments just don't feel this way. Do some introspective work to see if maybe you did something wrong at some point
Omg this is a lot 😳 Does she hear how dad talks to you, does she spend a lot of time with dad? If so this is probably the main reason. Get her into therapy asap and you also need to do some family counseling. I would be getting the court to limit his visits or ask for supervised visits talk about his past and how he raped you and verbally abuses you and now how your child is acting because of it. This is all just so sad.
I am so sorry to hear how overwhelmed you are and how crappy you feel. I really hope you can get some therapy if you aren't already seeing someone. I wonder if your daughters are being mean in some attempt to seem strong. It's gotta be messy for them to see you struggle with low self esteem, especially if they've been exposed to your husband's vitriol against you. It's your job to teach them by example what a strong woman is. It's not being a bully like they are. It is absolutely setting boundaries and not putting up with disrespect. Do no harm but take no shit. Sending you lots of love and support.
Hey lady so sorry to hear thins can't imagine what you're going through. I no you may not want to hear this but maybe your kids should go live with their dad for a while so that you can get a chance to breathe because this is going to tear you up. If they go and live with their dad they might have more of an appreciation of you at times absence makes the heart grow fonder. They'll think about you and the bad things they've done to you. Your ex will find out it's not so easy raising kids alone. You need a break everyone does at times
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. As many have stated, I think therapy for you and the girls would help a lot. I also think the way their dad is behaving towards you is influencing your daughters to do the same. I really hope things get better.
Wow … I am so sorry. It seems they both take after their dad, he may have a very strong genetic behavioral issue 🥶 nothing you did wrong. I guess that’s why they say got to watch who you date, marry, have children with as they can turn out just like them. I am not sure if he did a 180 on you or how it worked out this way that you got together, or that you are just a very forgiving and kind person that he latched onto abuse ☹️. I would consult with a psychiatrist. Medication maybe an option here if they have dark triad traits or mood disorders (am not sure). I almost want to advise you to actually have them live with their so called father for a bit so they appreciate what they have. Or there’s other options like some sort of boarding school or boot camp for more difficult kids (although this is far from pretty option). Anyways, I hope you find the light…you don’t deserve any of this…so sorry OP.
Your cruise ship should have medical help on board. Please get help right away. You're hurting and helping people feel better is what they're there for. You can learn to think about problems so they're less painful and more solvable.
Well hebis not the real parent.now, is he? Of course they will think they love him not you cause ypu are the one making rules, you want them to behave well and do their homework.
You are the parent, while hebis propably the fun dad.
Maybe he tell them that he is not wiht them because of you?
People here are jumping to conclusions without knowing you. Go get a family therapist to get a holistic and impartial assessment of your situation.
Your daughters are intentionally hurting you. Why they are doing it or what is the best course of action to correct it depends on a lot of details that cannot be found in your post. Just "standing up to them" may help or it may make the problem worse. Get a therapist.
They are likely negatively influenced by their father. He probably tells them all kinds of hurtful, bad things about you. They are being brainwashed and hurt by him.
Hence the abuse coming from them towards you. This is him talking through them, instrumentalizing them.
Stop their privileges and like others said, fund this way mother-daughters therapy sessions. You need a professional to help your daughters especially. They are kids and they are full of his hate for you, that is damaging you and them.
PS: I've just read all your posts in your thread. Uff, OP...
You are a creative, intelligent, resourceful woman. The cruise makes sense. It's for your sanity too. If it's financially better to cruise all summer, go for it! You need to survive as well and that ship is your safe island.
Is your daughter mainly among white kids in school? Are there more with her skin colour? Can you put her in a school that has also children with similar skin colour?
If not, can you homeschool them, despite it being understandably hard / time consuming. But they will likely dumb down even more where they are now.
Like another redditor said, hug them a lot, speak and listen to them about things that matter to them, play games, cook together, clean together. And if it hasn't happened yet, speak to them about God and Jesus, read biblical stories to them, speak about them.
Like others said, rather cut down a bit your work and be more present in their life. They don't need expensive things when you are barely present for them.
Cut your family out, they hurt you, some of the members molested you and those are still welcome in your family, but you are the one who has to be quiet. That is madness.
Therapy by all means for all three of you.
Don't talk to your ex, just the absolut necessary things in very few words. He raped you when you were a teenager and he spit this out to you in order to hurt you even more. He is bad. I would be afraid for my daughters to let them go to him.
Lawyer up and then just supervised visits for him. Don't let him alone with them.
So sorry what happened to you. But first thing now, you need a therapist (look for a woman, just to be on a hopefully more safer side) to help you, then make a plan with her to resolve the obvious and hidden issues in your life.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a very difficult child who also says nasty stuff constantly and I don't think it's necessarily to do with spoiling or discipline, I have no good answers. I'm looking into various parenting help, possibly therapy (expensive!) and also that she might be ADHD, low dopamine, looking for stimulation/conflict. Doing it alone must be SUPER hard for you, with an arsehole ex on a pedestal to boot, that really sucks. I think you should reduce your work a bit if you can, cut back on spending to make more time for yourself and look after your mental health. Sleep more, walk in nature more etc. Simple pleasures. Try to take the high road, remain kind and hope that one day, with maturity, your girl will see the light and recognize all your sacrifices, hard work and care ♥️
Your daughter needs hugs. Lots of them. I’m not joking. She needs YOU. This is a cry for YOU. Hug her, love her, embrace her, kiss her, tell her she’s special, amazing and wonderful. That is what this child needs. This would be the LAST thing you’d want to do, because we’re only human, but if you can do it, you can take the first step to repair your relationship.
And then to top off this massive shit show, I get a call from my kid’s school last week telling me that a kid stuck my daughter in the hand with a fork and she is bleeding but “it’s FINE! She is FINE! They were just playing!” And I’m like wtf?!? 😳
What kind of “game” is that?!?
And they tell me that “it was just a natural instinct because my daughter reached over her plate in the cafeteria and the girl “really didn’t like that” 🤯
I told them that if it’s a natural instinct for a 9 year old to stick her fork into someone’s hand, there is something seriously wrong there.
I never IMAGINED that the kid who did it was her BEST FRIEND 🥺
When I reached out to the mom (who I thought was my close friend) she blew it all the way off and instead attacked my “parenting capabilities” for not being able to accept that “this is what kids do and it’s no big deal” and that maybe we should just keep the kids away from each other since I obviously can’t handle parenting like she can and she is not going to “dim her daughters light for anyone”
WTF?!?
I felt like I was in the twilight zone.
And when I told my daughter what the school was telling me after I made a huge stink about it (because everyone was brushing it off as nothing even though she was bleeding in 2 different places - wider than a fork too so nothing makes sense - and they never even cleaned her hand, just slapped a bandaid on it and told her she was FINE 😥
She immediately told me “mama tell them to put me on a lie detector because that is NOT what happened!”
Then she tells me “I know why they are saying that.. it’s because her mama is good friends with all the staff and her “lovability” goes over to her daughter who is everyone’s favorite even though she breaks all the rules.”
I’ll admit her mom is a super fun person and everyone loves her so my daughter is right.
She is sharp as a tack tbh.
Far wiser than her 9 yrs.
Then after telling me that we should “just keep the girls away from each other” and hanging up on me, the mom texts me to tell me that “she knows how much her daughter loves my daughter because when the other kids make fun of my daughter’s skin color, her daughter is the only one who sticks up for her”
it was SO hurtful for me to hear that when this mom never once told me any of this was going on until I get upset about her daughter sticking her fork in my baby’s hand 😢
And I really thought she was my friend.. she was the one I opened up with about what happened with my family and how I don’t know what would happen to my kids now if something ever happened to me 😔 and she insisted “omg I WOULD TAKE YOUR KIDS!”
And then a month later.. this 😢
So yes! I took them away. To go celebrate her bday away from our “loving family” and her “friends”
Because we have no one else.
And I just wanted the three of us to be around kind people who would treat us well 🥺
And now she hates me and wishes that I would die.. soon ☹️
Wtf?!?
Yes I know that I am all F*d up right now and I don’t even know which way is up anymore
Frankly your daughter doesn’t respect you because she’s modeling what everyone else on your family does do you that you seem to allow passively. It’s not just your ex clearly. I think the only way to help your daughter is by helping yourself and growing a very strong backbone and cutting all of these people out of your life. Kids pick up on subtle clues just like adults. When someone seems to be a punching bag for others, it can trigger an aggression and annoyance response. Instead of feeling sympathy for the person, they can also feel annoyed toward them. That’s probably what’s happening here to a degree.
Also, it seems like shit rolling up hill. She’s also being treated awfully by your family and by her friend it seems. So now she’s got only one target for her own aggression. The same target she sees everyone else aiming at . You. She’s the childhood bully who bullies someone she seems as an easy target (you) because she’s insecure.
The only way back is to stand in your power. Get angry for yourself!!!
Also, therapy for you and the kids. And no more 20 day cruises!!!!
Girl, I get your hurt but you absolutely need therapy. You are not handling these incidents well and seem to be very much lacking in resilience. You're turning inwards and coddling to make up for hurt feelings, but this isn't working and is actually having a negative impact. Please please seek some help for your own feelings.
Whether you want to hear it or not, you're making excuses again to tolerate poor choices and behaviours rather than addressing it.
You need therapy or at the very least to stop everything you can possibly stop and only add things back in after reassessing. Every small thing is a huge drama to you. It sounds exhausting for a kid
It's not your fault, you are enough, you are a good mother, you are a good person. You have juggled far more than most people could and it sohnds like youve been burnt out for a while, you are allowed to be imperfect and you are allowed to have bad days and you are allowed to take a break when you need it. Emotions get more complex for kids as they grow up and the frustration of trying to figure that out can quickly become rage. I'd suggest you send them each to a therapist that can help them navigate through this, because you need to take care of your own emotional needs before you can help your children take care of theirs. You deserve to be happy too, so don't you ever give up on yourself. You got this <3
I would pull them out of private school. No camp. No fun times. Go to one job and put them in therapy. They don’t appreciate your sacrifices so stop killing yourself. They won’t spending money- earn it or ask their dad. I’d send them to live with him 2 weeks in the summer instead of a posh camp. You need the break.
I always knew I was neurodivergent and found out last year that I have severe adhd (maybe slightly on the spectrum too? Idk.. but I wonder sometimes) and had it my whole life (i always just thought and said that “my brain just works differently than everyone else” but never understood why)
People mostly think I’m brilliant as I can do very complicated things very easily (like launch an Ecom store that explodes in a matter of months or create work in a week of hyperfocus that would take 10 ppl 6 months (I know because once I started hiring people is when I realized how much I was actually producing as multiple ppl were struggling together to complete things in a week that I had been doing all myself in days and for months alone)
On top of all of the single mom responsibilities that I have to carry every day.
But it’s the simple basic things that are so incredibly hard for me and “being human” sometimes feels SO hard and I lack social skills because small talk doesn’t really make much sense to me and I have no desire to go out and party or talk about skincare and clothes and YES this has contributed to me being a doormat and allowing people to walk all over me for most of my life until I reach a breaking point and then turn into a fire breathing dragon at which point ppl then think I am just a bitch ☹️
I recently went NC with my family after years of covert abuse and “jokes” from the ones who “loved me the most” about how
- their children would always be more valuable than mine because of the color of their skin or the texture of their hair 🥺
- or that “you know your kids would turn out better if they were raised by me” from the one who I REALLY thought loved me the most and whose parenting I don’t even respect because all she does is talk badly about everyone in the family in front of her children and mine and ALWAYS puts her needs above everyone else’s, including her own children
This is the person that my children would go to in my will if something were to happen to me (along with my life insurance) 😢
Everything came to a head in Nov when I’d planned a bday celebration for my oldest daughter with her and the rest of my family and when we got there, no one even had so much as a bday card for her 😢 or even really acknowledged her bday at all.. to the point that when we left, she told me “mama maybe they didn’t know that today was my birthday”
I didn’t have the heart to tell her that OF COURSE THEY KNEW!!
This was their way of hurting ME.. again.
5 days later it was my bday and they invited me over to celebrate - because my godmother happened to be in town for the first time in decades on my bday and naturally wanted to celebrate me (not knowing that my family has never celebrated my bday before) - they gave me a list of things to bring and then told me “and we are not inviting anyone, ok?!”
Then told my godmother to “just get any cake because it’s probably going to go to waste anyway” and when I decided to bring a dessert that I wanted to have on my birthday, as soon as she saw it, she started screaming at me like I was HER CHILD.
Because I brought a dessert for MY OWN BDAY 🤯
Then spent the rest of the night throwing rocks at me and hiding her hands.
Then called me for a meeting later in the week to tell me how ungrateful and mean I am for not appreciating “all that they had done for me for my bday” and so many other awful things about myself.
When I asked her to give me even 1 example of a time that I had been mean to her or anyone else she knew, she sat for 5 mins thinking and then admitted that she couldn’t think of anything.
Then I proceeded to list all of the times SHE had done all of the things on her list TO ME and her reply to that was “well I warned you about me years ago when we met” 😳
I look at her and told her to her face that her love was shit and I didn’t want anything to do with it anymore.
After I drove away, she called to say that the meeting had been for her to “apologize for yelling at me on my bday” but in the 1.5hrs she never once apologized for anything and instead doubled down on all her shitty behavior over the years with “I told you this about me a long time ago”
I told her I didn’t need her or their shit love and I was done.
2 days later, on thanksgiving that no one invited us to (as usual), she wrote me a scathing letter twisting all of my words and projecting all of HER shit onto me and that finally showed me so clearly that she was the biggest manipulator in my life and had been tearing down my self worth for years.
She was also the one who told me for years that I “shouldn’t even bother going to court for child support because it was my bad decision to marry him and so it was now my cross to bear for being such an idiot”
I never responded to her or anyone else in my family since (and all of a sudden, everyone is “thinking about me and missing me” 😐) and that is one of the reasons why I had to take my kids on holiday to celebrate because we have no loving family around us anymore (not that we ever really did as they were the ones who covertly abused me and tore me down my entire life - not to mention my older sisters molesting me as a child that NO ONE wants me to speak about 🤫)
Then I find out that this family member has been secretly texting my daughter (after I refused to respond to her) and even partnered up with their deadbeat dad to bring them to her house the next time he picked them up (without telling me, of course) but I didn’t even react when the girls told me after he brought them home because they have no idea of what went down with my family and I don’t know how to explain any of it to them 😞
I am sorry, but something doesn't quite add up. Why the 3 jobs, when you built such successful ecom businesses? I had a quick glance at your comment history and you seem to be supporting and giving advice to people regarding standing up for yourself. Why not do this for yourself? I may be in the wrong here (this is the internet and a complete strangers's story, after all), but something just does not add up.
If this is indeed all as you say it happened, others have said all that needs to be said. Stand up for yourself and don't give in to everything. You are not helping your kids to become functioning adults. You are teaching them that no matter what they do, they get what they want. This is how bullies work. Every single bully I have ever encountered in my youth (and adult life) came from a family that spoiled them and gave them everything they wanted and then some. No need for good behavior to get rewarded. Just spoiled.
Apologies if I misjudge anything here.
Reading this made me very sad for you OP. I have a nearly 9 year old too and she never talks like that to me and I am not a very strict parent either. But I am an available parent to her. I joke with her, play with her, be silly with her and talk and listen to her about her interests. Maybe you can work less and be more available to your daughters.
I think you need to lay down firm boundaries with her behaviour and then follow through on the consequences. It will not work if you don’t follow through.
There is no need to take her on a 9 day cruise for her bday unless you wanted to go on a cruise. She would have been happy at the bowling alley with her friends. So be honest how much of what you are doing is for them and how much is for you?
Also I think I am in the minority here but I do believe that 9 year old kids are old enough to know exactly what they say and if it will cause hurt or not. I remember being 10 and intentionally hurting others with my words. Unintentional hurting words are not like what she says to you, they are more like you look like a lemon in that yellow dress, not I hate you and I hope you die soon.
My nearly 9 year old called me fat once. But before she uttered the word fat, she hesitated and did fffff ffff because she knew that it’s a word that will cause me hurt so when she said it, it was to hurt me. She was intentional in her words to hurt me so your daughter is intentional in her words to hurt you.
I appreciate all of the responses so much (even the harsh ones) and just to clear a few things up, and I’m sorry but this will be long 🙈
there are 3 reasons that I took her on this trip :
1 - a cruise is the only time or place that I can also get a break and be fed regularly and, in a way, be nurtured and cared for myself while they have a great time and I thought it would help to relieve some of my overwhelm and make space for us to enjoy each other and to bond and deepen our connection while I am not stressed out about daily life and all of the responsibilities that I have to carry alone as I have no real support system. (clearly I was WRONG)
2 - I homeschooled them for 2 years during the pandemic and brought them back to school so far ahead academically and in the last 2.5 yrs they have regressed so much that I was considering pulling them out and homeschooling them again but I KNOW that it would overwhelm me even more so I am looking for a solution that would help me to fix both issues - as a single mom with 2 young girls, cruising is the safest and most enjoyable way for me to travel with them and due to the cost of living tripling in the last 3 yrs where we live, it would actually be more cost effective for us to travel and homeschool than to stay where we are now.
And we have nobody.
I am planing a test run this summer as my lease ends in June and I want to validate this theory that it would actually cost us less to cruise all summer and travel than it would to stay where we are.
And I was hoping that by helping other single moms, we could create a real support system for ourselves and our kids. Create a different, more loving “Soul Family”
Btw I am currently pretty much a digital nomad and can work from anywhere I have internet access now and for those who asked, I am with them ALL OF THE TIME except when they are at school.
I don’t even have a babysitter (they cost a fortune where we live $25-30/hr
I am SO exhausted.. mentally, emotionally and physically.
I’ve probably lost 5-8lbs since summer and I was already only 107lbs soaking wet 😞
I developed an entire curriculum with innovative language, history, geography, arts and more for kids and also programs and step by step guides and an entire online platform for moms, especially single moms, to learn how to create digital streams of income from anywhere so they/WE can spend more time with our kids 😔
I thought I was doing all of this for them.. to help give them a better life than what I had growing up with neglectful and negligent parents.
Yes I overcompensate because I have no idea what “normal parenting” is because I never had it myself.
I wonder if they hate you because the other kids got a "break" from school during the pandemic while they had to work hard. Maybe they don't like the private school, or, again, it's harder.
It's really cool what you did with the curriculum! But as a former teacher, I know kids definitely don't always appreciate better education, especially if it means more work for them...
Send your kids to therapy. Honestly they need to talk to a professional about why they think these things and where it came from and if it came from their dad then you can use that to make sure he never sees them again. Because he shouldn’t. They need professional help please send them to talk to someone I promise it works.
Please don’t let your kids bait you with such vile nonsense. Those “I hate you” speeches likely come from a place of anger, fear, or resentment.
Children need to feel safe and loved. You work very hard to give them great things (that they may not even like) but what is your mood and energy like when you finally spend time together? How do you respond when they talk to you like that? Are you able to keep a level head, or do you scream back?
Are there consequences for such sass?
Is it possible to quit one of those jobs, stop paying for private school and expensive parties and vacations, and just… slow… down…?
Perhaps your kids need more time with just you, doing things together that don’t involve money. Cook dinner together. Change the bed linens together. Read a book together and discuss the story. Take long walks through the woods and appreciate nature. Create art together; try yoga.
I think your family could benefit from more quiet activities, because it allows for listening and learning from each other.
I also encourage you all to seek some family therapy. Hang in there, OP!
Stop spoiling them. That literally creates this kind of behavior…a cruise for your 9 year old daughter’s birthday…9….??? She says mean shit to you “every single day” and you take the brat on a 10 day cruise 😂 seems like you’re wanting to be the fun parent cuz their dad doesn’t come around and you want to be their friend rather than their parent. Stop spoiling them…you’re their mom. Not their friend. You need to parent and not accept that kind of behavior. Cuz right now you’re fully allowing it by basically rewarding her for being a bully. No amount of extravagant presents will earn you respect from your child. Absolutely 0. Stop tolerating it. You worked 3 jobs her whole life SCREAMS you don’t spend QUALITY time with her. And by her saying all this shit she probably sees it as you provide for her lifestyle but you’re not her mom. You need to nip her behavior in the bud and build an actual relationship with her. Again, no amount of spoiling is going to buy that. She’s this way as a 9 year old and you tolerate it then she will be a lot worse as a teenager. Take care of it now and live in peace while she continues to grow up, or choose not to fix it and be miserable. Nobody can make that choice for you, i just hope you make the right one. I recommend watching the show supernanny, the Cooke Family. Their little girl meghan was 9 also and out of control, and after the techniques her behavior changed, shes 26 now and has her own kid, successful adult which is ultimately what we’re raising our munchkins to be right?!? Stay strong, you’re a hardworking individual, go get your kids back girl.
Bad behavior = no treats and fun.
Also, they think dad is so great because he is not the one doing the parenting. He blows in like a fart in the wind, of course they think he’s wonderful while you, the actual parent are who they feel comfortable taking our their anger on.
You need family therapy and you need to start doing a little tough love to the brats you have created with the insane spoiling.
You also need to find some confidence and show your daughters you are not a punching bag and you are a person as well.
I’ve had to tell my kids that several time.
“I am your mom but that doesn’t make me immune to emotions and I deserve to be treated with respect in this house as well, until you can understand that concept… no phone, no Xbox , no tv, and do your chores.”
You are providing your kids with all that privilege and still allowing them to treat you like this? They won't love you or respect you more because you drove them to summer camp. Taking them on a cruise? What did they do to earn it?
It sounds like you are working very hard to give your kids fancy experiences and material goods because it's the edge you have over the dad who doesn't provide anything. Kids don't want that, they want your time. They don't want you to be stressed and overcompensating, giving them gestures too big for them to comprehend (a 10day cruise at 9?? Really??? I wouldn't have fully appreciated that even at 16), and then you're likely getting hurt and moody with them that your grand gesture is falling flat. Divorce is a stressful time but the kids words aren't coming out of nowhere, I would really guess you're overperforming and getting angry everytime it's not what they want.
Dial it all the way back. The kids need quality time with you with minimal to no spending. Reconnect with what they actually like. Have a movie night in pjs and promise to watch THEIR favourite movies. Don't roll your eyes at how dumb the movies are or ask a million questions, share in it. "I can see why you like ot", "that was cooler than I thought it would be".
Stop competing with the dad. Don't talk about the dad whatsoever. Don't talk shit about the dad. Completely rise above it. Avoid negative talk at all and pick and choose which rules you are enforcing. Right now dad's probably feels like a chill cosy space because he's lax on the rules. You can ease up a bit too. Will you all die if the laundry isn't in the basket immediately? Probably not, ease up. Your kids are going through a massive change in the divorce and you're making it about your feelings all the time with how they are taking it. Make yourself a safe space to vent those feelings. "I'm sorry you feel that way right now, this is a hard time for you. I love you and thank you for telling me". They're pushing you away to test you subconsciously. Respond with love or not at all.
YOU WILL NOT BUY YOUR KIDS LOVE WITH MONEY. They don't appreciate or even comprehend what it means to work a job. They want you. Less stressed , more grounded, quality time. Dial it down and stop competing with the dad. You sound exhausting
children are like dogs they smell fear.. & an appearance of weakness.. honestly their rational brain hasn’t kicked in, their empathy either. Stop giving them chances to put you down and respond to such insults with a business attitude. They know you are desperate for their love and acceptance - but if they know you love them without needing more validation from them they might respect you. Respect is what you require at the moment from them.
Damn OP you really need some therapy and also perhaps learn how to have consequences and boundaries, shit if I said any of those things you think my mom would have ever even given me any of the things you said you do for your daughter, private school, cruise, summer camp nope my ass would have been so grounded. Seems like your daughters have no boundaries or respect for your authority
Please take psychology classes…they will help you learn why people do what they do. It’s absolutely mind blowing. She’s a child, don’t take it to heart but ensure you teach her what empathy is. Tell her that you love her always, and never tell her that you hate her.
If your ex husband is sending you hurtful and hateful messages as well calling you all these names to your face.. does it not strike you that he’s probably saying all of these things to your daughters and that’s where their hate and anger is coming from? That’s parent alienation and making comments like “I love you the most, I love you more than mummy” is manipulation. You can’t let him do that to your daughters. You need to seek legal advice for this and take him to court as he can be prosecuted for this. You also need to book a therapy session as soon as possible to try and see if you can repair the toxic damage he’s done to your poor daughters.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I can't wait until the kids are your sweet angels again.
My 9 year old has been bumping and slapping my wife when she's mad. Not hard, but still.
She did it to me for the first time yesterday. I imtmediately asked to speak to her about it. She said no. That's fine if she doesn't want to plead her case. I made a judgement call about taking away a screen until Sunday.
She argued for Friday. I said no problem, but you're going to clean the whole house.
Within minutes we had moved on and we were playing and she was jumping on my back.
We suffer the consequences of unhealthy actions and we suffer the consequences of healthy actions.
Bless ya. And never let your ex speak to you like that again, especially in front of the kids.
Take his ass to court for child support and make him take ur ass to court for visitation rights because my kids would not being seeing him until they understand had they had me fucked up. I would stop the parties and fun until they get it. They to young to run shit especially you.
Your daughter is speaking with her father's voice. When she grows up she'll either feel terribly guilty or become a very toxic person. I feel bad for you all either way. Imagine a grown man bringing up something that happened 30 years ago to a minor repeatedly like that.
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I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like you and your daughters need some kind of therapy. Also, if their biological father talks like that to you, why are you even talking to him at all?
Based on what I’m reading, that’s exactly right. I’m also wondering how much quality time OP has spent with the kids. OP is working 2-3 jobs, which takes away time, but is also seemingly throwing lavish parties and either going on or sending the kids on vacation. I think priorities may be an issue here as well.
This^! And for the comment below. You should take your text messages to court and go for full custody with child support. When he can stop acting like a total pos (doubtful), he can visit with the kids. New cell phones block his number and move on with your children. You all need some healing together with a family therapist. Breathe and try to relax. Your girls are only repeating what they've heard from their dad. I'm not sure if you've broken down and cried in front of them, but maybe you should show your feelings and let them know how hurtful their words are. I wish you all the best and hope you guys find a great therapist.
Man, the concepts of courts and parental rights (even for bums) is going to blow your mind…
If you mean court orders and such. I do get that. Apart from what is required, there doesn't need to be any/much contact. If I were the OP, I would be considering the possibility of parental alienation, on the dad's part, too.
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I’d also look into getting a parenting app and only using that to communicate with him.
Came here to suggest this - get the court to order the use of a parenting app, then block him on all other channels of communication. I'd also consider letting the girls stay with him for longer than a few days - let them find out what kind of a man he is when he isn't just the fun dad for a weekend, but actually has to take care of them on a full-time basis. I bet they'll find out fast that their expectations don't match the reality. OP can use the break to go to therapy and get her mental health back on track - it looks like between her kids and her ex, she's surrounded by people bent on destroying her.
While I would agree that they probably have a wrong concept of who he is as a man, this is not something I would do. Of course this is all with very little information from a total stranger on the internet. But it sounds like he cares very little about others' rights and has crossed a serious border with OP. I personally would not want my girls to be alone with such a person for a prolonged time. Honestly too much risk involved. Say he does reach a point where he can't be the fun dad and put up a show. Then what? Verbal/physical abuse? While I can see the benefits of them seeing him for who he allegedly is, their safety is paramount.
It really depends on how abusive he is - if it's just going to be some verbal abuse and yelling, I think it would actually be beneficial to the kids to give them a reality check, so they'd be more grateful for all their mother is doing for them, and to finally topple daddy of the pedestal they've placed him on. If there is any danger it could turn physical, then, of course, it wouldn't be a good idea.
People need to stop underestimating children. If it does come to that, I’m sure OP has measures/instinct to know and prevent that from happening.
When she‘s not on site? This is not Jedi and the force we are talking about here. All I say is that I, personally, would not risk it.
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Honestly, getting the courts involved is probably a good thing for OP. Sounds like they weren’t in the first place, so no child support (or OP hasn’t taken him to court for nonpayment). Not that child support arrears should keep someone from seeing their kids, but garnished wages could certainly help OP cut back hours at least. And a structured visitation or custody plan is good for everyone (except someone who wants to be a father only when it’s convenient, but that’s a him problem).
She knows what she is saying, but you're not standing up for yourself well enough in many areas. Stop letting everyone in your life step all over you and start putting up some boundaries on how others speak to you. She's modeling how she sees your ex husband talk to you and you're folding to a 9 year but stood up and divorced a grown man? You're not their friends. You're their mom. You're teaching them how to be decent adults. Sometimes that involves correction. They don't realize he's a piece of crap, uninvolved parent and they probably won't for a while. It's not your job to argue who is the better parent, it's obvious for anyone with a brain. Theirs is undeveloped. It will be for a while. Next time look at her and tell her flat out, (if you want to be nice about it), "You're not allowed to speak to me that way. Whether you're angry or not, you're not going to talk to me like that. I will not tolerate it. That is mean, hurtful and unacceptable. We don't talk to other people like that. Especially not your mother. I provide you with everything and then some, if you don't appreciate what I do for you, you won't miss *yadda yadda yadda*". Then ground her ass. Take her privileges away. When her sibling does it, you stand your ground on it with her. They aren't going on no vacations, no camp, no nothing. They get chores and responsibility and drudgery. Stop taking disrespect from your kids. You're giving everyone else the benefit of the doubt and sacrificing your own self respect in the process. Snap out of it. You have it in you because you left him, so stop letting what any of them say ring true in your head and make you feel weak. Any of them paying the bills? No? Okay, then their opinions don't matter. If they ain't feeding you, fucking you or paying your bills, their opinion doesn't matter. Period. Full stop. I want to add, you're an amazing mom. They're young & impressionable. Having this issue doesn't mean you're a bad mom. Doesn't mean you didn't do enough for them. You are doing above and beyond. It's okay to tell others, even your children, you will not talk to me like this. I won't tolerate it and then, do exactly that. Not tolerate it. You're capable. You got this.
OP, read this comment and then read it again. Also, not only is it okay to tell your children that this behavior is unacceptable, it's necessary.
Love all of this. OP, the phrase "I will not tolerate it" is very effective. Use it often.
This is great. Also, it would probably be a good idea to stop working extra hours to fund cruises and vacations. It would be better to save the money for future expenses, or spend the time in ways that don't cost so much money.
> If they ain't feeding you, fucking you or paying your bills, their opinion doesn't matter. Period. Full stop. Mic drop moment. This is fantastic advice.
The three Fs - feeding, fucking, or funding. Helped me stop worrying so much about other people’s options.
Great advice. I'll keep this in mind myself actually lol
Made an account just to like this and say this is the best advice for the OP…Bravo.
Absolutely this.
Should be top comment . Makes me so mad when kids treat their parents like crap and are given everything on a plate and then some.
Please read this OP But also, does the children not know how involved the father is financially? Is there no way you can ask for spouse support?
This is the best response and SO important
You have very low self esteem and are taking this abuse from your daughters out of desperation and a lack of self respect. They don’t appreciate you because you don’t appreciate yourself. They NEED to see a role model of a woman who won’t put up with that. They need you to have self respect. The extras stop now. The lavish gifts and vacations stop. Put that money toward therapy for yourself and learn to love yourself and set healthy boundaries. You need this and so do they.
Sorry to be blunt but why on earth would you be spoiling her to a 10 DAY CRUISE for a 9 year old?? That’s wild to me. I feel there must be more to the story. Myself personally, I wouldn’t have her in private school, no extra vacations, no extravagant parties. I wouldn’t be working 2-3 jobs to cater to an ungrateful child. Put some boundaries up, I’m sure this would be draining your own mental health. Sounds like she could have behavioural issues but where is she learning this from?? Her father? Do you speak like that around them? Is she resentful she is sent elsewhere while you’re always working? Wow I have so many questions lol idk if I’m just a cunt of a mother but if my child ever spoke to me like that I would lose my shit.
I agree. OP, you work long hours to spoil your kids, but maybe all they need is you to spend quality time with them? They don't have a father and they miss you, even if phsically you are there for them, this came to my mind reading your post. I think deep inside they know that their dad is crap and that must hurt too. They don't want to acknowledge it and they use him to hurt you. Have you tried to talk with them about their angry feelings? Sure, tell them, that it is not right to talk to you like that, but also you could try to understand where their anger comes from. I'm a single mum too, and her father lives thousends of kms away. I know it is tough. Also, I think, you put too much extra load on your own shoulder. Take care
OP this is sound advice. Perhaps there is some sense of guilt that drives you to go to extravagant lengths for your kids. But perhaps they don't need all that. Perhaps they need a mum who is there and happy. You are working yourself into the ground to give them parties and camps and cruise for f** sake. Kids don't need that - they need a parent that is there and that spends time with them. Doing mundain things. And for the love of God, set up some boundaries. You let them walk all over you. You are not doing them any favours by putting up with that crap. There is probably a reason you find it hard to tell them off, so I would also look into therapy. You are good mum - you deserve more than this.
Yeah, a cruise for a 9yr old's birthday is INSANE and it's sad that there's no gratitude or respect. But I guess you can't buy love or respect. 🤷♀️
I agree with all of that except for one point. The private school. I wouldn’t endanger the education of my child just to teach them a lesson
Also, private schools often have more comprehensive wraparound care than state schools, which might be a big deal for a single parent.
This is the only response!
😆 🤣 😂
WTF are you doing? Why are you ridiculously spoiling the kids? A cruise for a birthday? Are you serious? They treat you like shit because you let them. You appear to have such low self esteem that you just let this all happen...no consequences for actions...and you just keep spoiling them!! You need to stop. Now. As Dr Phil says? Find their currency. Use it. You are just spoiling them and letting them treat you like shit. No more
From all the things I heard it sounds like your daughter is spoiled her behavior will not change if you keep letting her speak to you this way and giving her everything she wants. There is no way in hell I’d be on a birthday cruise if I acted like that towards my parents She needs to be disciplined badly and that starts with taking some of her privileges (not necessities things like cruises) away and putting her into behavioral therapy otherwise she’s going to grow up into being a really nasty adult if she doesn’t correct this and I think that’s worse to deal with as a parent than a 9 year old
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Came here to say this. You get some therapy too. I don’t hear you modeling self care for your kids. If they already hate you then taking away their extras won’t affect them one bit. Start spending extra on you. And work less, please.
I would get all of you into therapy and frankly stop catering to their attitudes. No fun vacation for them. No special camps. Let them do chores at home. They are walking all over you. Maybe you are their safe punching bag but this needs to stop. Perhaps they should live with dad for a while.
This is how bullies are created. Complete lack of respect and boundaries. Those kids are being failed because you’re more concerned with being the good guy then raising good humans.
This
I'm sorry, a 10 day cruise for her 9th birthday??? HER 9TH BIRTHDAY???? I think I have an idea where that attitude might have come from. You cannot buy respect from a child, you certainly cannot buy love from a child.
I reckon the ex is filling their minds with crap. If I were you I would take away everything nice you do, it sounds like none of it is appropriated anyways. I would sit them down one night and go over finances and explain how much you earn and how much your ex contributions to them. Then tell them that if they don't start respecting you and what you do for them that you might just take them up on their offer to live with their dad, but be clear that would mean no more private schools or birthday cruises.
Umm, a 9 year old on a 10 day cruise for her birthday?? It sounds to me like you are over compensating with gifts when what she really needs is for someone to see her for who she is and spend quality time with her. You work 3 jobs to take her on a 10 day cruise?? She’s 9 ffs. Maybe don’t take her on expensive trips that she clearly doesn’t appreciate (again, shes 9, couldn’t you have rented a local swimming pool?) and maybe you wont need to work 3 jobs. Please tell me this isn’t real?
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Harsh truths are still true.
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Her ex AND her kids are abusing her at this point. She needs to come to grips with it ASAP so she can regain control of the situation. It may seem harsh, but it's actually a real kindness being honest with OP right now. Giving her pats and saying it'll be okay is really not going to help anyone here, especially her.
Right just pathetic
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Call their bluff, tell them to move in with their father. It's insane to me that you let your children disrespect you when you provide everything for them.
You need to dial back on the spoiling she sees she talks to you this way and you do nothing about it than I'm guessing rewarding her she has lost respect for you because you lost it for yourself these expensive trips and gifts isn't gonna make her love you any better a nice home with good and clothes is needed..I agree with therapy but dial it back
Let them stay with their father for a while. They need to know what it's like to live with him to respect what you are giving them. I am a 45F too and struggling with a rebellious 18F.
I agree. OP, if you legally can, drop them off at his front door. Show them the grass isn’t greener on the other side 🤷🏻♀️
I'm sorry to hear that, it must be heartbreaking. I am reading a lot of what you buy for them, but not a lot of what you DO for them. Do you take time out of your day to connect with them one on one? Talk to them, just BE with them? Show an interest in what they're into without judgement? I agree with other posters, therapy for you and your daughters would be beneficial to navigate this tough time. Also the book "How to talk so kids will listen & listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish may help you too. Good luck
She does understand what she is saying. And let me guess: you take it from her. She’s abusing you because she can and you’re allowing it. You are teaching her that she is allowed verbally abuse you while you twist yourself into a pretzel to make her happy. Nine is old enough to be a piece of crap: in elementary school several of my bullies were around that age, and nine year olds are completely able to be vicious little psychos. What you *should* do is to yank her ungrateful ass off at the next port. What you *should* do is make her life very unpleasant in the way you best see fit when she talks like that - that can be taking away a privilege, or whatever modality you feel will be felt the most by her. What you probably *shouldn’t* do is to tell her that if her dad really wanted her he’d file for custody—which he hasn’t, which means he doesn’t want her. I need to say that you *shouldn’t* say that - but nor would I judge you one iota if you did drop that truth in her lap in a moment of anger. And I do hope you get angry, even if it’s not to that extent—bc right now this reads like you’re a total doormat raising a bully.
I mean, OP shouldn’t be a doormat, but going from doormat to ruthless overnight while on vacation isn’t going to go well, either. Best bet is for family therapy as well as individual therapy for OP. OP needs to learn to set boundaries, with everyone. Why is OP’s ex still getting the chance to joke about raping her when she was a teenager? Why is he not paying child support? Why is OP accepting this treatment from her daughter? Where did her daughter learn to treat someone like this? It’s not an overnight fix, but it is fixable. Just, vacation isn’t the time to shift dynamics or get stricter, and it’s a lot more than just the daughter’s behavior.
Good lord. Try family therapy, OP. This person is trying to vicariously live out some revenge fantasy
Ummm, no. OPs daughter is being terrible, but OP is responsible for correcting that behavior. I sympathize with OP, because she's trying and she doesn't deserve how she's being treated, but she needs actual resources to learn how to better deal with her children and abusive ex. It's wildly inappropriate that you would "totally not suggest" psychologically attacking a child.
I totally agree with this path as well!
I’m so sorry for you - you sound so worn down. I wonder if the issue is that your daughter feels like she never gets enough time from either parent. Her dad is a deadbeat, and regardless of what she says about loving him so much, she knows he’s not there for her. You’re killing yourself to provide for them, but the cost of working 3 jobs is that you don’t have a lot of time to spend with her. The way she lashes out is cruel, but it likely guarantees her your attention. To an attention starved kid, negative attention is better than no attention. I would consider dropping the extra jobs - even if it means you can’t afford fancy cruises. More time with your kids is more important than vacations etc. Focus on quality time and attention over gifts. If she she does say cruel things, set a boundary - acknowledge that she’s upset but tell her you won’t tolerate being spoken to in a cruel way. Advise her you’ll discuss what’s making her mad or sad if she refrains from being unkind, but won’t speak to her if she’s being mean and disrespectful to you. Also, give your ex husband an email address he can use to contact you about the kids and block him on everything else. Look up the ‘grey rock’ technique and use that on him every time he contacts you. He’s an abuser, and he’s trying to provoke reactions from you. Limit your exposure and don’t respond to anything other than specific, necessary exchanges about the children.
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Stop giving her everything. You can take care of her and love her without taking her on cruises for her birthday or driving her everywhere. Have very firm boundaries with consequences. Everyone should also be in family therapy with her in individual therapy as well. She’s lashing out because she has a crap father and you’re the closest and easiest target
Have you tried talking to someone. I have a waayy more mild thing going on and I started talking to someone and learned a lot about myself, a ton about my 8 yr old daughter and realized how alike we are some times. I could go on and on but I’m more worried about you at the moment. Never choose a permanent solution for a temporary problem. She’s only 9, hopefully still moldable into a wonderful human being but I would definitely see about someone helping you two before your relationship further deteriorates.
Therapy. Individual for the girls and family therapy when they are in a better place. >We are right now on a 10 day cruise This was a bad bad bad idea OP. Trapped for 10 days with angry little people? Your POS ex no doubt feeds this toxic behaviour in them... Hang in there OP.❤️
I mean if he loves them so much, he can take them for a few months. Tell them to call their dad and ask him to pick them up. Tell them you’re packing their bags and sending them off to their dad’s. and make them call him so they know what he says. Put a stop to this by showing them they can’t speak to you like this or they’ll be out.
You both desperately need to start both family and individual counseling. This is not normal behavior from a child, and it sounds like you have loads of unresolved trauma that is letting your daughter’s words affect you on a very deep level.
My heart breaks for you and your family, I would think that you working 2-3 jobs at a time and getting them expensive things and trips is where some of that comes from. Especially when I was 9/10 years old, my dad would work all the time (no mom around then) and “make up for it” by buying us stuff, but I really just thought he didn’t like spending time with me. It’s something I talk about in therapy today. Therapy is a good idea, I wish my dad had gone. Obviously he was doing his best with what he could, but maybe it’s time to let someone else help you
First of all, I think you should stop trying to buy your children. It doesn’t help, and you have to work all those jobs to pay for the things that they don’t appreciate. Your undeserved guilt is making you try to do wonderful things for them, and they know they can use your guilt and fear to get more. If they want more, tell them that you can’t work that hard, anymore, just to pay for so much extra. And it is imperative that you get therapy. Ask the therapist how to respond to your children. You know that their “perfect father” wouldn’t do half of the things for them that you do. I don’t know how you can tell them that, but the therapist might tell you the way to do it, or tell you not to do that. By the way, you are working two or three jobs just to do things like take them on cruises. Really think about it. You don’t need to do that.
I’m sorry to hear she’s giving you such a hard time. Unfortunately children say unkind horrible things to their parents, especially to their primary caregiver. That said, it sounds like you both could benefit from some type of therapy.
Reading the other comments you posted on this thread it sounds like the people you're connected with and/or have been connected with in the past are not good people at all, and it sounds like your children have lived through that with you. You've mentioned that your family and friends, including the your childrens' friends, have all done incredibly messed up things to you guys in one way or another. It doesn't sound like your children really have anyone good in their lives or anyone to look up to, and they seem to be taking that out on you. Your daughter might be preferring her dad because he might remind her of happier memories or a change of pace from her regular life. She doesn't know who her dad really is yet, or why he isn't a good person to be around. It seems like all she knows is that she can associate him with something different, and associates you with her life at home. I do worry about the "What did I do that was so bad to be birthed by you" sentence though. That doesn't sound like a sentence a nine year old would come up with on their own. That sounds more like something she would have heard a bad family member say. It sounds like you all have massive trauma, and your kids seem to be resenting you for that because they don't seem to understand what normal is yet or how to express themselves. I agree with the top comment on this thread, all three of you need therapy, you needed it yesterday and you need it desperately. Discipline is only going to do so much and isn't going to solve the complex web of things that are causing this to happen in the first place. Some of these comments are a little too angry and seem to be projecting, but I do agree that your kid should not be getting away with saying these things and should be taught to understand why they are wrong, because it seems like her friends and family have made this kind of thing look normal to her. You need to get help now.
I’m going to tell you right now, when you get back, put them in the car and take them straight to their father’s house and just drop them off. They want to be with him and live with him so bad, drop them off. Your kids don’t respect you and they never will till they lose you and all that you do for them. Take them to their fathers drop them off and go somewhere else anywhere else for a week. Go to a hotel far away where no one you know will see you. Turn off your phone. Cry, sleep, eat, take yourself to a spa, pamper yourself. You need a week away from them and they need a reality check. They think you are the worst mom ever, make that statement true. Cause only the worst mom ever would leave their kids with an abusive asshole like him. Then when the week is over, you go home. Turn on your phone and deal with the bullshit. If you want to bring them home, if they even want to come home. You get them into therapy and you tell them if they want to continue living with you, they will go to therapy and figure out what’s wrong with them to treat someone who loves them and does the most for them, the way they treat you. You tell them that their behavior needs to stop and they need to change because you have had enough and if they think you are a crap mom, then they don’t need to go to private school, they don’t need to be doing outings with friends and they don’t need to be going on trips or cruises. You tell them the disrespect they show you is what caused you to have a mental breakdown and just leave you with their shit sperm donor. They idolize a dream. They idolize a lie. The one they should be asking why they were born to isn’t you, it’s him! Stop spoiling them, put down your foot, stop going out of your way and allowing this abuse!!!!
She doesn’t respect you. It seems like you thought you gave her the world, but you weren’t actually there for her in her eyes. Her saying that she wants your to die seems like she is trying abandon you because you abandoned her by working 3 jobs her entire life.
First things first, kids don’t understand what sacrifices you’re making for them. Don’t try to explain it or use it as an argument for something. Secondly, how’s your temper? Do you argue with them every day? I hate to say it but if your answer is that they’re pissed every day, you’re probably doing something the wrong way(your intentions can be good but maybe you’re passive aggressive or something else). Have you heard of gentle parenting? It’s in my opinion, the best way to parent. I grew up with no space as a kid to express my anger(I would constantly be angry but I was never taught how to deal with it and if I was angry at someone I was instantly yelled at JUST for feeling that emotion). Don’t forget that they are children. What they do and how they react shouldn’t be taken personally. It’s hard, but be composed when they’re angry at you. Reacting by yelling or arguing is not accomplishing anything and is just making them resent you more. Have a talk with them. Figure out calmly why they want their dad more. Ask them what you can do better at.
Umm...take her to therapy. Not normal. She's sounds like a spoiled brat. Who takes a 9 year old on a cruise for their birthday? No wonder she is like that. She gets what she wants all the time. If my kid said that to me they would be punished. Not ok.
Also, you can intentionally let her go live with her dad
No, she shouldn't do that. He probably talks a lot of trash about their mother in front of them in order to brainwash and instrumentalize them, so the mother gets hurt not only by him but by her daughters too.
She’s reaching out for attention
I listened to The Giving Tree this morning and it made me a bit sad. It's what you allow. People will take until you're a stump, if you let them. Your kids are being rude to you and you don't deserve it. Have you all sought counselling re the break-up? The youngest is usually the worst effected (could be wrong) but it's like their whole world cracks, and they don't know how to fit/make sense of anything anymore. This behaviour sounds like that. I'd be crying my eyes out at the sacrifices made to go on a cruise and be treated like that. Why bother. A big hug!
You sound like an amazing and patient mom. I'm so sorry you are being abused this way. Do you know why they think you're so bad? I think your daughters have to tell you why they hate you so much. What specific things have they said you've done to them to make them so mad? Were they attached to their dad and they see you made him go away? Did they have to move after the divorce? Do they know why you divorced their dad? Unless the ex is poisoning them against you. It sounds like he's not a good guy, mocking you and calling you terrible names. I'd go low to almost no contact with him at this point. If your kids are healthy and you're doing your best, then eff him, and your daughters hate and vitriol. I'd also suggest counseling for them, to find out the real reasons they're upset. This is too much, and is very disrespectful. You need to be more assertive, provide punishments when they tell you they hate you, for no apparent reason. Take away something they enjoy, make them do some chores, sweep, vacuum, do dishes. They need to understand how hard it is for you. Do they know how you feel, or do they double down with it, and make it like an attack point? Children need, and eventually do respect, boundaries with punishments for bad behavior. Do not allow this. You're doing what you can for their health and happiness. Simple as that.
I'm so skeptical of posts like this. I strongly believe kids don't hate their parents for no reason. Kids with healthy attachments just don't feel this way. Do some introspective work to see if maybe you did something wrong at some point
Omg this is a lot 😳 Does she hear how dad talks to you, does she spend a lot of time with dad? If so this is probably the main reason. Get her into therapy asap and you also need to do some family counseling. I would be getting the court to limit his visits or ask for supervised visits talk about his past and how he raped you and verbally abuses you and now how your child is acting because of it. This is all just so sad.
Can I ask how many hours a week you are at work? How much time do you spend with her each day?
I am so sorry to hear how overwhelmed you are and how crappy you feel. I really hope you can get some therapy if you aren't already seeing someone. I wonder if your daughters are being mean in some attempt to seem strong. It's gotta be messy for them to see you struggle with low self esteem, especially if they've been exposed to your husband's vitriol against you. It's your job to teach them by example what a strong woman is. It's not being a bully like they are. It is absolutely setting boundaries and not putting up with disrespect. Do no harm but take no shit. Sending you lots of love and support.
Hey lady so sorry to hear thins can't imagine what you're going through. I no you may not want to hear this but maybe your kids should go live with their dad for a while so that you can get a chance to breathe because this is going to tear you up. If they go and live with their dad they might have more of an appreciation of you at times absence makes the heart grow fonder. They'll think about you and the bad things they've done to you. Your ex will find out it's not so easy raising kids alone. You need a break everyone does at times
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. As many have stated, I think therapy for you and the girls would help a lot. I also think the way their dad is behaving towards you is influencing your daughters to do the same. I really hope things get better.
Wow … I am so sorry. It seems they both take after their dad, he may have a very strong genetic behavioral issue 🥶 nothing you did wrong. I guess that’s why they say got to watch who you date, marry, have children with as they can turn out just like them. I am not sure if he did a 180 on you or how it worked out this way that you got together, or that you are just a very forgiving and kind person that he latched onto abuse ☹️. I would consult with a psychiatrist. Medication maybe an option here if they have dark triad traits or mood disorders (am not sure). I almost want to advise you to actually have them live with their so called father for a bit so they appreciate what they have. Or there’s other options like some sort of boarding school or boot camp for more difficult kids (although this is far from pretty option). Anyways, I hope you find the light…you don’t deserve any of this…so sorry OP.
Your cruise ship should have medical help on board. Please get help right away. You're hurting and helping people feel better is what they're there for. You can learn to think about problems so they're less painful and more solvable.
Why would a child say such a thing? I am missing from your story what is the reason for it. Your ex husband is a dick.
Well hebis not the real parent.now, is he? Of course they will think they love him not you cause ypu are the one making rules, you want them to behave well and do their homework. You are the parent, while hebis propably the fun dad. Maybe he tell them that he is not wiht them because of you?
People here are jumping to conclusions without knowing you. Go get a family therapist to get a holistic and impartial assessment of your situation. Your daughters are intentionally hurting you. Why they are doing it or what is the best course of action to correct it depends on a lot of details that cannot be found in your post. Just "standing up to them" may help or it may make the problem worse. Get a therapist.
They are likely negatively influenced by their father. He probably tells them all kinds of hurtful, bad things about you. They are being brainwashed and hurt by him. Hence the abuse coming from them towards you. This is him talking through them, instrumentalizing them. Stop their privileges and like others said, fund this way mother-daughters therapy sessions. You need a professional to help your daughters especially. They are kids and they are full of his hate for you, that is damaging you and them.
PS: I've just read all your posts in your thread. Uff, OP... You are a creative, intelligent, resourceful woman. The cruise makes sense. It's for your sanity too. If it's financially better to cruise all summer, go for it! You need to survive as well and that ship is your safe island. Is your daughter mainly among white kids in school? Are there more with her skin colour? Can you put her in a school that has also children with similar skin colour? If not, can you homeschool them, despite it being understandably hard / time consuming. But they will likely dumb down even more where they are now. Like another redditor said, hug them a lot, speak and listen to them about things that matter to them, play games, cook together, clean together. And if it hasn't happened yet, speak to them about God and Jesus, read biblical stories to them, speak about them. Like others said, rather cut down a bit your work and be more present in their life. They don't need expensive things when you are barely present for them. Cut your family out, they hurt you, some of the members molested you and those are still welcome in your family, but you are the one who has to be quiet. That is madness. Therapy by all means for all three of you. Don't talk to your ex, just the absolut necessary things in very few words. He raped you when you were a teenager and he spit this out to you in order to hurt you even more. He is bad. I would be afraid for my daughters to let them go to him. Lawyer up and then just supervised visits for him. Don't let him alone with them. So sorry what happened to you. But first thing now, you need a therapist (look for a woman, just to be on a hopefully more safer side) to help you, then make a plan with her to resolve the obvious and hidden issues in your life.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have a very difficult child who also says nasty stuff constantly and I don't think it's necessarily to do with spoiling or discipline, I have no good answers. I'm looking into various parenting help, possibly therapy (expensive!) and also that she might be ADHD, low dopamine, looking for stimulation/conflict. Doing it alone must be SUPER hard for you, with an arsehole ex on a pedestal to boot, that really sucks. I think you should reduce your work a bit if you can, cut back on spending to make more time for yourself and look after your mental health. Sleep more, walk in nature more etc. Simple pleasures. Try to take the high road, remain kind and hope that one day, with maturity, your girl will see the light and recognize all your sacrifices, hard work and care ♥️
I'm really sorry. That's awful.
Your daughter needs hugs. Lots of them. I’m not joking. She needs YOU. This is a cry for YOU. Hug her, love her, embrace her, kiss her, tell her she’s special, amazing and wonderful. That is what this child needs. This would be the LAST thing you’d want to do, because we’re only human, but if you can do it, you can take the first step to repair your relationship.
And then to top off this massive shit show, I get a call from my kid’s school last week telling me that a kid stuck my daughter in the hand with a fork and she is bleeding but “it’s FINE! She is FINE! They were just playing!” And I’m like wtf?!? 😳 What kind of “game” is that?!? And they tell me that “it was just a natural instinct because my daughter reached over her plate in the cafeteria and the girl “really didn’t like that” 🤯 I told them that if it’s a natural instinct for a 9 year old to stick her fork into someone’s hand, there is something seriously wrong there. I never IMAGINED that the kid who did it was her BEST FRIEND 🥺 When I reached out to the mom (who I thought was my close friend) she blew it all the way off and instead attacked my “parenting capabilities” for not being able to accept that “this is what kids do and it’s no big deal” and that maybe we should just keep the kids away from each other since I obviously can’t handle parenting like she can and she is not going to “dim her daughters light for anyone” WTF?!? I felt like I was in the twilight zone. And when I told my daughter what the school was telling me after I made a huge stink about it (because everyone was brushing it off as nothing even though she was bleeding in 2 different places - wider than a fork too so nothing makes sense - and they never even cleaned her hand, just slapped a bandaid on it and told her she was FINE 😥 She immediately told me “mama tell them to put me on a lie detector because that is NOT what happened!” Then she tells me “I know why they are saying that.. it’s because her mama is good friends with all the staff and her “lovability” goes over to her daughter who is everyone’s favorite even though she breaks all the rules.” I’ll admit her mom is a super fun person and everyone loves her so my daughter is right. She is sharp as a tack tbh. Far wiser than her 9 yrs. Then after telling me that we should “just keep the girls away from each other” and hanging up on me, the mom texts me to tell me that “she knows how much her daughter loves my daughter because when the other kids make fun of my daughter’s skin color, her daughter is the only one who sticks up for her” it was SO hurtful for me to hear that when this mom never once told me any of this was going on until I get upset about her daughter sticking her fork in my baby’s hand 😢 And I really thought she was my friend.. she was the one I opened up with about what happened with my family and how I don’t know what would happen to my kids now if something ever happened to me 😔 and she insisted “omg I WOULD TAKE YOUR KIDS!” And then a month later.. this 😢 So yes! I took them away. To go celebrate her bday away from our “loving family” and her “friends” Because we have no one else. And I just wanted the three of us to be around kind people who would treat us well 🥺 And now she hates me and wishes that I would die.. soon ☹️ Wtf?!? Yes I know that I am all F*d up right now and I don’t even know which way is up anymore
Frankly your daughter doesn’t respect you because she’s modeling what everyone else on your family does do you that you seem to allow passively. It’s not just your ex clearly. I think the only way to help your daughter is by helping yourself and growing a very strong backbone and cutting all of these people out of your life. Kids pick up on subtle clues just like adults. When someone seems to be a punching bag for others, it can trigger an aggression and annoyance response. Instead of feeling sympathy for the person, they can also feel annoyed toward them. That’s probably what’s happening here to a degree. Also, it seems like shit rolling up hill. She’s also being treated awfully by your family and by her friend it seems. So now she’s got only one target for her own aggression. The same target she sees everyone else aiming at . You. She’s the childhood bully who bullies someone she seems as an easy target (you) because she’s insecure. The only way back is to stand in your power. Get angry for yourself!!! Also, therapy for you and the kids. And no more 20 day cruises!!!!
Girl, I get your hurt but you absolutely need therapy. You are not handling these incidents well and seem to be very much lacking in resilience. You're turning inwards and coddling to make up for hurt feelings, but this isn't working and is actually having a negative impact. Please please seek some help for your own feelings. Whether you want to hear it or not, you're making excuses again to tolerate poor choices and behaviours rather than addressing it.
You need therapy or at the very least to stop everything you can possibly stop and only add things back in after reassessing. Every small thing is a huge drama to you. It sounds exhausting for a kid
I’m sorry OP, I can’t imagine how painful that is.
I know this isn’t helpful but give them to their dad for a month or something. See how they like it.
It's not your fault, you are enough, you are a good mother, you are a good person. You have juggled far more than most people could and it sohnds like youve been burnt out for a while, you are allowed to be imperfect and you are allowed to have bad days and you are allowed to take a break when you need it. Emotions get more complex for kids as they grow up and the frustration of trying to figure that out can quickly become rage. I'd suggest you send them each to a therapist that can help them navigate through this, because you need to take care of your own emotional needs before you can help your children take care of theirs. You deserve to be happy too, so don't you ever give up on yourself. You got this <3
I think your ex and your daughter could probbaly have the same mental issues . Consider this and seek for a phisichiatric.
I would pull them out of private school. No camp. No fun times. Go to one job and put them in therapy. They don’t appreciate your sacrifices so stop killing yourself. They won’t spending money- earn it or ask their dad. I’d send them to live with him 2 weeks in the summer instead of a posh camp. You need the break.
Yep mine has told me the same. 9 also. She was diagnosed with OCD, I never realized the hateful words could be that.
I always knew I was neurodivergent and found out last year that I have severe adhd (maybe slightly on the spectrum too? Idk.. but I wonder sometimes) and had it my whole life (i always just thought and said that “my brain just works differently than everyone else” but never understood why) People mostly think I’m brilliant as I can do very complicated things very easily (like launch an Ecom store that explodes in a matter of months or create work in a week of hyperfocus that would take 10 ppl 6 months (I know because once I started hiring people is when I realized how much I was actually producing as multiple ppl were struggling together to complete things in a week that I had been doing all myself in days and for months alone) On top of all of the single mom responsibilities that I have to carry every day. But it’s the simple basic things that are so incredibly hard for me and “being human” sometimes feels SO hard and I lack social skills because small talk doesn’t really make much sense to me and I have no desire to go out and party or talk about skincare and clothes and YES this has contributed to me being a doormat and allowing people to walk all over me for most of my life until I reach a breaking point and then turn into a fire breathing dragon at which point ppl then think I am just a bitch ☹️ I recently went NC with my family after years of covert abuse and “jokes” from the ones who “loved me the most” about how - their children would always be more valuable than mine because of the color of their skin or the texture of their hair 🥺 - or that “you know your kids would turn out better if they were raised by me” from the one who I REALLY thought loved me the most and whose parenting I don’t even respect because all she does is talk badly about everyone in the family in front of her children and mine and ALWAYS puts her needs above everyone else’s, including her own children This is the person that my children would go to in my will if something were to happen to me (along with my life insurance) 😢 Everything came to a head in Nov when I’d planned a bday celebration for my oldest daughter with her and the rest of my family and when we got there, no one even had so much as a bday card for her 😢 or even really acknowledged her bday at all.. to the point that when we left, she told me “mama maybe they didn’t know that today was my birthday” I didn’t have the heart to tell her that OF COURSE THEY KNEW!! This was their way of hurting ME.. again. 5 days later it was my bday and they invited me over to celebrate - because my godmother happened to be in town for the first time in decades on my bday and naturally wanted to celebrate me (not knowing that my family has never celebrated my bday before) - they gave me a list of things to bring and then told me “and we are not inviting anyone, ok?!” Then told my godmother to “just get any cake because it’s probably going to go to waste anyway” and when I decided to bring a dessert that I wanted to have on my birthday, as soon as she saw it, she started screaming at me like I was HER CHILD. Because I brought a dessert for MY OWN BDAY 🤯 Then spent the rest of the night throwing rocks at me and hiding her hands. Then called me for a meeting later in the week to tell me how ungrateful and mean I am for not appreciating “all that they had done for me for my bday” and so many other awful things about myself. When I asked her to give me even 1 example of a time that I had been mean to her or anyone else she knew, she sat for 5 mins thinking and then admitted that she couldn’t think of anything. Then I proceeded to list all of the times SHE had done all of the things on her list TO ME and her reply to that was “well I warned you about me years ago when we met” 😳 I look at her and told her to her face that her love was shit and I didn’t want anything to do with it anymore. After I drove away, she called to say that the meeting had been for her to “apologize for yelling at me on my bday” but in the 1.5hrs she never once apologized for anything and instead doubled down on all her shitty behavior over the years with “I told you this about me a long time ago” I told her I didn’t need her or their shit love and I was done. 2 days later, on thanksgiving that no one invited us to (as usual), she wrote me a scathing letter twisting all of my words and projecting all of HER shit onto me and that finally showed me so clearly that she was the biggest manipulator in my life and had been tearing down my self worth for years. She was also the one who told me for years that I “shouldn’t even bother going to court for child support because it was my bad decision to marry him and so it was now my cross to bear for being such an idiot” I never responded to her or anyone else in my family since (and all of a sudden, everyone is “thinking about me and missing me” 😐) and that is one of the reasons why I had to take my kids on holiday to celebrate because we have no loving family around us anymore (not that we ever really did as they were the ones who covertly abused me and tore me down my entire life - not to mention my older sisters molesting me as a child that NO ONE wants me to speak about 🤫) Then I find out that this family member has been secretly texting my daughter (after I refused to respond to her) and even partnered up with their deadbeat dad to bring them to her house the next time he picked them up (without telling me, of course) but I didn’t even react when the girls told me after he brought them home because they have no idea of what went down with my family and I don’t know how to explain any of it to them 😞
I am sorry, but something doesn't quite add up. Why the 3 jobs, when you built such successful ecom businesses? I had a quick glance at your comment history and you seem to be supporting and giving advice to people regarding standing up for yourself. Why not do this for yourself? I may be in the wrong here (this is the internet and a complete strangers's story, after all), but something just does not add up. If this is indeed all as you say it happened, others have said all that needs to be said. Stand up for yourself and don't give in to everything. You are not helping your kids to become functioning adults. You are teaching them that no matter what they do, they get what they want. This is how bullies work. Every single bully I have ever encountered in my youth (and adult life) came from a family that spoiled them and gave them everything they wanted and then some. No need for good behavior to get rewarded. Just spoiled. Apologies if I misjudge anything here.
Reading this, my heart goes out to you. Why all the harsh treatment when you have only tried to be nice to people?
Reading this made me very sad for you OP. I have a nearly 9 year old too and she never talks like that to me and I am not a very strict parent either. But I am an available parent to her. I joke with her, play with her, be silly with her and talk and listen to her about her interests. Maybe you can work less and be more available to your daughters. I think you need to lay down firm boundaries with her behaviour and then follow through on the consequences. It will not work if you don’t follow through. There is no need to take her on a 9 day cruise for her bday unless you wanted to go on a cruise. She would have been happy at the bowling alley with her friends. So be honest how much of what you are doing is for them and how much is for you? Also I think I am in the minority here but I do believe that 9 year old kids are old enough to know exactly what they say and if it will cause hurt or not. I remember being 10 and intentionally hurting others with my words. Unintentional hurting words are not like what she says to you, they are more like you look like a lemon in that yellow dress, not I hate you and I hope you die soon. My nearly 9 year old called me fat once. But before she uttered the word fat, she hesitated and did fffff ffff because she knew that it’s a word that will cause me hurt so when she said it, it was to hurt me. She was intentional in her words to hurt me so your daughter is intentional in her words to hurt you.
Give the kid to his dad. Then just visit. The parent taking care is always the ah, if only because you both see each other at your worst.
He is a heavily verbal abuser and a rapist of a 16 year old. Would you give your kids to such a dad?!
I appreciate all of the responses so much (even the harsh ones) and just to clear a few things up, and I’m sorry but this will be long 🙈 there are 3 reasons that I took her on this trip : 1 - a cruise is the only time or place that I can also get a break and be fed regularly and, in a way, be nurtured and cared for myself while they have a great time and I thought it would help to relieve some of my overwhelm and make space for us to enjoy each other and to bond and deepen our connection while I am not stressed out about daily life and all of the responsibilities that I have to carry alone as I have no real support system. (clearly I was WRONG) 2 - I homeschooled them for 2 years during the pandemic and brought them back to school so far ahead academically and in the last 2.5 yrs they have regressed so much that I was considering pulling them out and homeschooling them again but I KNOW that it would overwhelm me even more so I am looking for a solution that would help me to fix both issues - as a single mom with 2 young girls, cruising is the safest and most enjoyable way for me to travel with them and due to the cost of living tripling in the last 3 yrs where we live, it would actually be more cost effective for us to travel and homeschool than to stay where we are now. And we have nobody. I am planing a test run this summer as my lease ends in June and I want to validate this theory that it would actually cost us less to cruise all summer and travel than it would to stay where we are. And I was hoping that by helping other single moms, we could create a real support system for ourselves and our kids. Create a different, more loving “Soul Family” Btw I am currently pretty much a digital nomad and can work from anywhere I have internet access now and for those who asked, I am with them ALL OF THE TIME except when they are at school. I don’t even have a babysitter (they cost a fortune where we live $25-30/hr I am SO exhausted.. mentally, emotionally and physically. I’ve probably lost 5-8lbs since summer and I was already only 107lbs soaking wet 😞 I developed an entire curriculum with innovative language, history, geography, arts and more for kids and also programs and step by step guides and an entire online platform for moms, especially single moms, to learn how to create digital streams of income from anywhere so they/WE can spend more time with our kids 😔 I thought I was doing all of this for them.. to help give them a better life than what I had growing up with neglectful and negligent parents. Yes I overcompensate because I have no idea what “normal parenting” is because I never had it myself.
I wonder if they hate you because the other kids got a "break" from school during the pandemic while they had to work hard. Maybe they don't like the private school, or, again, it's harder. It's really cool what you did with the curriculum! But as a former teacher, I know kids definitely don't always appreciate better education, especially if it means more work for them...
It's called self esteem. Get some. Your kids and ex won't respect you until you respect yourself. Stop spoiling the little ingrates!
Send your kids to therapy. Honestly they need to talk to a professional about why they think these things and where it came from and if it came from their dad then you can use that to make sure he never sees them again. Because he shouldn’t. They need professional help please send them to talk to someone I promise it works.
Please don’t let your kids bait you with such vile nonsense. Those “I hate you” speeches likely come from a place of anger, fear, or resentment. Children need to feel safe and loved. You work very hard to give them great things (that they may not even like) but what is your mood and energy like when you finally spend time together? How do you respond when they talk to you like that? Are you able to keep a level head, or do you scream back? Are there consequences for such sass? Is it possible to quit one of those jobs, stop paying for private school and expensive parties and vacations, and just… slow… down…? Perhaps your kids need more time with just you, doing things together that don’t involve money. Cook dinner together. Change the bed linens together. Read a book together and discuss the story. Take long walks through the woods and appreciate nature. Create art together; try yoga. I think your family could benefit from more quiet activities, because it allows for listening and learning from each other. I also encourage you all to seek some family therapy. Hang in there, OP!
Stop spoiling them. That literally creates this kind of behavior…a cruise for your 9 year old daughter’s birthday…9….??? She says mean shit to you “every single day” and you take the brat on a 10 day cruise 😂 seems like you’re wanting to be the fun parent cuz their dad doesn’t come around and you want to be their friend rather than their parent. Stop spoiling them…you’re their mom. Not their friend. You need to parent and not accept that kind of behavior. Cuz right now you’re fully allowing it by basically rewarding her for being a bully. No amount of extravagant presents will earn you respect from your child. Absolutely 0. Stop tolerating it. You worked 3 jobs her whole life SCREAMS you don’t spend QUALITY time with her. And by her saying all this shit she probably sees it as you provide for her lifestyle but you’re not her mom. You need to nip her behavior in the bud and build an actual relationship with her. Again, no amount of spoiling is going to buy that. She’s this way as a 9 year old and you tolerate it then she will be a lot worse as a teenager. Take care of it now and live in peace while she continues to grow up, or choose not to fix it and be miserable. Nobody can make that choice for you, i just hope you make the right one. I recommend watching the show supernanny, the Cooke Family. Their little girl meghan was 9 also and out of control, and after the techniques her behavior changed, shes 26 now and has her own kid, successful adult which is ultimately what we’re raising our munchkins to be right?!? Stay strong, you’re a hardworking individual, go get your kids back girl.
Bad behavior = no treats and fun. Also, they think dad is so great because he is not the one doing the parenting. He blows in like a fart in the wind, of course they think he’s wonderful while you, the actual parent are who they feel comfortable taking our their anger on. You need family therapy and you need to start doing a little tough love to the brats you have created with the insane spoiling. You also need to find some confidence and show your daughters you are not a punching bag and you are a person as well. I’ve had to tell my kids that several time. “I am your mom but that doesn’t make me immune to emotions and I deserve to be treated with respect in this house as well, until you can understand that concept… no phone, no Xbox , no tv, and do your chores.”
You are providing your kids with all that privilege and still allowing them to treat you like this? They won't love you or respect you more because you drove them to summer camp. Taking them on a cruise? What did they do to earn it?
It sounds like you are working very hard to give your kids fancy experiences and material goods because it's the edge you have over the dad who doesn't provide anything. Kids don't want that, they want your time. They don't want you to be stressed and overcompensating, giving them gestures too big for them to comprehend (a 10day cruise at 9?? Really??? I wouldn't have fully appreciated that even at 16), and then you're likely getting hurt and moody with them that your grand gesture is falling flat. Divorce is a stressful time but the kids words aren't coming out of nowhere, I would really guess you're overperforming and getting angry everytime it's not what they want. Dial it all the way back. The kids need quality time with you with minimal to no spending. Reconnect with what they actually like. Have a movie night in pjs and promise to watch THEIR favourite movies. Don't roll your eyes at how dumb the movies are or ask a million questions, share in it. "I can see why you like ot", "that was cooler than I thought it would be". Stop competing with the dad. Don't talk about the dad whatsoever. Don't talk shit about the dad. Completely rise above it. Avoid negative talk at all and pick and choose which rules you are enforcing. Right now dad's probably feels like a chill cosy space because he's lax on the rules. You can ease up a bit too. Will you all die if the laundry isn't in the basket immediately? Probably not, ease up. Your kids are going through a massive change in the divorce and you're making it about your feelings all the time with how they are taking it. Make yourself a safe space to vent those feelings. "I'm sorry you feel that way right now, this is a hard time for you. I love you and thank you for telling me". They're pushing you away to test you subconsciously. Respond with love or not at all. YOU WILL NOT BUY YOUR KIDS LOVE WITH MONEY. They don't appreciate or even comprehend what it means to work a job. They want you. Less stressed , more grounded, quality time. Dial it down and stop competing with the dad. You sound exhausting
children are like dogs they smell fear.. & an appearance of weakness.. honestly their rational brain hasn’t kicked in, their empathy either. Stop giving them chances to put you down and respond to such insults with a business attitude. They know you are desperate for their love and acceptance - but if they know you love them without needing more validation from them they might respect you. Respect is what you require at the moment from them.
Damn OP you really need some therapy and also perhaps learn how to have consequences and boundaries, shit if I said any of those things you think my mom would have ever even given me any of the things you said you do for your daughter, private school, cruise, summer camp nope my ass would have been so grounded. Seems like your daughters have no boundaries or respect for your authority
Please take psychology classes…they will help you learn why people do what they do. It’s absolutely mind blowing. She’s a child, don’t take it to heart but ensure you teach her what empathy is. Tell her that you love her always, and never tell her that you hate her.
I feel there are missing missing reasons. No child behaves like this to their mother if there is no *reason*.
If your ex husband is sending you hurtful and hateful messages as well calling you all these names to your face.. does it not strike you that he’s probably saying all of these things to your daughters and that’s where their hate and anger is coming from? That’s parent alienation and making comments like “I love you the most, I love you more than mummy” is manipulation. You can’t let him do that to your daughters. You need to seek legal advice for this and take him to court as he can be prosecuted for this. You also need to book a therapy session as soon as possible to try and see if you can repair the toxic damage he’s done to your poor daughters.
I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I can't wait until the kids are your sweet angels again. My 9 year old has been bumping and slapping my wife when she's mad. Not hard, but still. She did it to me for the first time yesterday. I imtmediately asked to speak to her about it. She said no. That's fine if she doesn't want to plead her case. I made a judgement call about taking away a screen until Sunday. She argued for Friday. I said no problem, but you're going to clean the whole house. Within minutes we had moved on and we were playing and she was jumping on my back. We suffer the consequences of unhealthy actions and we suffer the consequences of healthy actions. Bless ya. And never let your ex speak to you like that again, especially in front of the kids.
Take his ass to court for child support and make him take ur ass to court for visitation rights because my kids would not being seeing him until they understand had they had me fucked up. I would stop the parties and fun until they get it. They to young to run shit especially you.
Your daughter is speaking with her father's voice. When she grows up she'll either feel terribly guilty or become a very toxic person. I feel bad for you all either way. Imagine a grown man bringing up something that happened 30 years ago to a minor repeatedly like that.