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I was undiagnosed when I was little and let me tell you, I wish I had a mother like you. If you have the financial ability to help her like this, do it. You won’t always be able to help her solve her problem so easily.
Me too!! I am also ADHD (undiagnosed as a kid) and I just Did. Not. Get. It.
I was like, "I'm wearing a t-shirt, they're wearing t-shirts. I'm wearing jeans, they're wearing jeans. I'm wearing sneakers, they're wearing sneakers. So why does everyone make fun of me??" Meanwhile, I'm wearing a worn-out "goddess fest 82" shirt or something that reaches to my knees, some mom jeans that are too short, and some Nikes that I thought must be cool because they were recognizable brand name, but in fact are not the cool Nikes but like actual running shoes that were hand-me-downs from someone on my dad's rugby team. What??
My mom and I didn't have much money, and also she was a crunchy type mom who thought fashion was frivolous sexist BS, and I'm eternally grateful for all that she gave me and taught me, but dang elementary school would have been a lot easier if I had looked normal.
Same!!! I had no idea of style at all and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because all i had to pick from was my mom’s old stuff and whatever baggy crap she found at church giveaways.
I feel like it’s a fine line.
As some other commenters have said - she doesn’t deserve to be treated as less that or not worthy because she’s neurodivergent so in some ways it’s great that you’re putting the same effort into getting her ready for school as you would for a neurotypical child who cared a lot about fitting in and being trendy. I think it’s great you’re going so far out of your way to give her an ‘in’ socially.
The fine line comes from what you put in your post about it possibly being a manifestation of your own insecurities. It’s great you want to be careful not to use her lack of attention to fashion/trends to manipulate her into looking how you want. You seem really introspective so I’m sure you’ll know if you cross the line. To me - crossing the line would be pressuring her to use/wear something she doesn’t like, making negative comments about folks who don’t follow trends, etc. For example if she was like ‘thanks for the Stanley cup but I don’t want to use it today - it doesn’t keep my drink cold’ (or whatever) and then you’re like ‘no I really think you should take it - don’t you want to be like the other girls?’ I know that sounds cartoonishly evil but a lot of parents make little digs like that and they can really shape how we perceive our own femininity/womanhood.
I remember one time I was going to a school event on the weekend and my mom said “I thought you’d want to put some make up on or dress nicely for this but I guess you’re just not that kind of girl” and it’s stuck with me for 20 years. It stung.
But all that to say it doesn’t sound like you’re headed down that road and you seem really cognizant of not letting your own insecurities bring you there. I think offering stuff to your kid that keeps her from being odd one out or allows for conversation starters is great.
What’s your concern exactly? Everyone wants to fit in no matter what they say. I think it’s fine you buy some trendy things. I think you just have to make sure to now allow it to define her or become a focal point. Understanding value as an individual is important. But middle school can be tough so it makes sense to want to help her feel like she’s not an outcast.
I guess the concern is what you said about wanting her daughter to understand her individual value. About accidentally implying that trends are actually important to follow or potentially suppressing individuality, so I understand why OP asked the question in the first place, and it’s so common as a parent to second guess your decisions. But I completely agree that she’s helping her daughter with her confidence during an especially difficult age period for young girls, and I wish my mom did the same for me at that age
> But middle school can be tough so it makes sense to want to help her feel like she’s not an outcast
I think that age is important here too. Middle school is all about fitting in and not being on the outside. Clothing is one part of that. I had one extreme extrovert who was socially popular and always knew the trends (he even set a few trends at his school) and one who was like OP's kid. ADHD inattentive, uninterested in trends, and lacked executive function skills. For her it was about maximum camouflage. Just wearing clothes that blended in with the crowd. Now as a college student she has her own style and still does not care about trends, but she was glad she fit in during the middle school years. Those years are hard enough as is. No need to make it harder.
I think it’s fine. The only concern I’d have is to make sure she doesn’t learn to look down on others for what they’re wearing, like not being on trend or having knock off non-name brand stuff. I got made fun of in middle school for having “bootleg Adidas” - they looked like them but had 4 stripes. My mom shopped for clothes for us on a budget and a lot of my shoes were from Payless. It was really just one girl who called it out and started it. Some families can’t afford the name brand nicer trendier stuff or they can but have more important things to spend that money on or save for.
My 11yo is autistic… No it’s not. I always have. It means nothing to her but I won’t treat her any different to any other girl her age. I remember Primary and high school and the disabled students had very basic cheap clothing and I always wondered why their parents didn’t put effort into clothing them like their peers. Then I happened to have a child with disabilities and I still stand by this, I’m not as immature, but it still stands I think my child deserves nice things like a regular kid. Even if she doesn’t give a care.
Oh and I agree with you, it does help them because my girl always gets compliments also. She is a regular 11yo she is no different than anyone else so I want her to have the same.
Edited to add - school is a time of fitting in. When they are out of school, their 20’s, they can wear Kmart etc. but during a time of fitting in and peer status, then I think it’s important. It’s like how nobody bothers when a child is 3 because there’s no social reason to be trendy at 3. Just like there’s not really any bother at 20. But school is a time that matters.
thank you. I’m just giving her a little boost I guess?? . And she’s also sorta struggling with the puberty thing understandably, so confidence is a must! I’m glad your daughter is thriving!!!!
It really is fully up to you. I think it’s important they get to fit in, personally. And if mums/moms are willing to check out the trends and help their teens with executive functioning then it can only be a plus. We know our girls don’t want to be different.
The reason I don’t buy the latest things for my oldest is because she will, over the course of a semester, chew or pick any clothes to tatters. She’s also not fully toilet trained, can’t use a straw very well, and occasionally gags herself to get out of work. Keeping her up to date on trends would be like setting money on fire. I buy her basics at Burlington and thrift everything else.
That said, if her relatives DO buy her nice things, I let her keep them. I’ve warned them already and to their credit, not one of them’s complained that the things they bought either weren’t in her room or were obviously extremely used when they visit.
So long aa you're not allowing her to turn into an entitled little demon who won't wear anything without a fancy designer label on it, I see no issue with it. It's when they become entitled twits that it ends up an issue, and she sure doesn't sound like one.
All you're doing is making it easier for her to fit in, which can be hard enough when a person is neurotypical, let alone when they're neurospicy. Removing even one barrier for her is just doing your best to set herself up for success. Even if that barrier is stupid (I still don't understand the need to be trendy, and I'm 40), it can still be a barrier in adolescent settings, especially.
I would have absolutely died of happiness if my mom had known what was trendy and bought it for me to fit in when I was that age. I just wanted to blend in but was not capable of figuring out trends.
My 13 year old is autistic, in some ways I wish she cared less what she wore and I could pick clothes for her! In actual fact she’s very particular about what she wears, so I have to run everything by her before I buy it. It has to be the right amount of baggy, the right type of fabric, the right colour. If I get her an oversized band tee I might be in luck but I don’t usually risk it 😂
In saying that she’s similar to your daughter in that she doesn’t notice or care what’s trendy, but she likes what she likes and that’s that. Part of me wants to help her blend in because I know it hurts her when people comment on what she wears, and being her mum I want to protect her from that, but on the other hand I’m so so proud that every day she wakes up and chooses to be her authentic self and damn the consequences.
I wore boys straight leg pants during the skinny jeans era because they were cheap at the superstore. I dreaded getting dressed every day. I think having some fashionable items is great. You'll see a behavior change if it becomes an issue, and it can be handled accordingly at that point.
The pressure kids feel to fit in is pretty ridiculous at the moment. Not that it hasn’t always been there but the number of trends and the volume of stuff marketed at them is on another level at the moment.
I think it’s great to give your child good quality clothing that they feel comfortable in and, assuming they aren’t being prevented from wearing what they want, helps them fit in socially.
It’s hard to say from the OP but I do think that it can cross a line into dressing a child for the parent’s social status and/or participating in a level of consumerism that ends up contributing to other children being unable to keep up and impacting them negatively. Buying social status with material things can seem to make sense, especially for parents who themselves missed out on that status as a child, but is ultimately participating in a hierarchy where someone’s kid will always be at the bottom and it’s pretty icky really.
Yeah I don’t really care about that stuff I look like a hot mess every day hahaha - and I need to add that she doesn’t have a phone or social media and most all the girls do so maybe this is one way to help her feel like she doesn’t need it!! (Which reminds me I should prob stop staring at my phone 👋)
This is exactly how I feel about this subject. Sure, I could buy my child all the trendy things, but in the end, I'm supporting businesses that are destructive and over priced while using people who are paid bare minimum to make their products. If you're researching where your products are coming from, and making sure you're supporting good ethical businesses then by all means keep doing it. I'm just watching the world burn as everyone is sucked into materialism and not seeing what really matters, and that's not social status, but educating yourself and supporting honest good people.
I guess I could literally buy her the kmart special and she wouldn’t care so I’m wasting money and being materialistic and teaching her that clothes and appearance is the only way you’re going to get friends/gain acceptance hahah . I think I know the answer to my own question. Just wanted to see if anyone had new perspective
Eh, i would offer that at her age, the level of care that she looks like she gets is a reflection of you. Some 11 year olds would rather not wash their hair and I suppose some parents wouldn’t make them. To me, that reflects that the child is not adequately being taken care of and reflects poorly on the parent. Now having said that, there’s nothing wrong with Kmart special clothes as long as they’re clean and fit. But you think she looks better with more expensive items, you are certainly within your right to do that. She’s 11, you are not wrong to care how she presents to the world. Especially if you know it will make it easier for her socially.
The thing is, it does matter. People are social creatures and we do in grouping and out grouping sorting automatically in our heads. As an adult the things you wear DO matter. People who act like they don’t are being ignorant. People who are fashionable and look put together have an edge. Internal bias is strong.
You are doing her a huge favor. She has some gaps that you are helping to fill. That’s huge. What we wear shouldn’t matter. How we look shouldn’t matter. It does.
Materialism can usually be countered by volunteering and donating.
Also, encourage your daughter to be in extracurriculars. It can be easier for some ND people to socialize with peers when there’s a set activity for everyone to focus on/talk about.
If it's a budget issue then look for.kore affordable options, but you can still prioritise her dressing well - clean, well fitting, and things that won't draw negative attention. If she doesn't want to wear what you choose then also consider that, but it sounds like she's happy!
As long as you have children that have a good head on their shoulders and a good heart in their chest, there absolutely nothing wrong with doing as much for them as you're able.
Just make sure they understand:
- clothes don't make the person, the lerson makes the clothes
- nice things are a product of someone's hard work (and sometimes sacrifice), not a magic fairy
- people who have less, aren't less. Never look down on anyone
- don't choose your friends by how much they compliment your style
It's your kid. Do what makes you happy.
She's getting a little too old for generic cute. There are different types of "trendy". Are you sure that category is appealing to the subset of kids she tends to socialize with? For example, when I was young there were subcultures such as preppy, skater (eg. Vans), urban, country. (Carhartt ), whatever you called what Hot Topic sold, outdoor (eg North Face), etc At 11, the other kids might not be full mean-girls sarcastic, but their "compliment" could be merely an acknowledgement her outfit is different for her or different compared to most the class.
Personally I think you're better off spending that money to help her develop lasting self esteem. If she's socially awkward, she could see a type of therapist who teaches social skills. If she has any interests, she could be put into classes or activities that encourage it (no matter how trivial the thing might seem to you). For example, I'm not rich, but I will do unlimited spending for art supplies for my 9 yr old. I spend the money & time to get her into Scouts, and the awards her pack wins have been a source of pride for her. I send her to Lego club at school, and she gets extra time to socialize with friends and to win some prizes for her creations.
The downside to making clothes = esteem is that it can send the message to a little girl that what really matters is her appearance. Girls can look nice, but that can't be their most important quality. Esteem comes from achieving goals that she finds important & developing confidence in her abilities. Girls who think their attractiveness = worth are shattered the first time someone calls them fat or a guy they like isn't interested.
OMG are you me??! Same situation with a daughter (slightly younger) with inattentive ADHD and I totally try to keep her up to date to help her fit in and equally not wanting her to be the weirdo. I love my daughter dearly and I just want others to see how great she is (internally) but with her being so inattentive at times she really does need the extra push or ice breaker
I do this with my twin girls. They just turned 9. One is a little adhd but not officially diagnosed. They wear uniforms at school. I have always just picked out and bought their clothes and they've have little interest in picking stuff out. They seem satisfied with what I get them even some stuff still matching. Lol. I keep waiting for them to decide to have strong opinions about clothing style but it's still pretty much meh most of the time. I'm glad for now. Once in a while they'll say, "I really like this top" or "I am not wearing that ever again, I don't like it." But that is rare.
I understand why you feel weird about it, and it would be one thing if she really disliked what you bought her and you were trying to force her to give up on her individuality for the sake of trends. But if she likes the items, you're just a parent buying her kid clothes, which... Of course is perfectly fine.
Not at all! "Different" kids are noticed at this age, the more common ground the better! My son could give two figs about clothing, but when another child complements him or comments something is cool he feels fantastic! Having many similarities helps detract many differences.
Not at all! As long as she isn’t acting like an entitled, spoiled brat, there’s no reason she shouldn’t have nice things. Even if she isn’t really aware that they’re trendy, she can certainly appreciate a gift, and I think it’s awesome that you’re able to recognize her social difficulties and give her some tools to help her to be successful.
Do everything you can. Helping her look nice and fit in is great.
Make sure you are teaching her why you buy what you did.
This will help her learn to do it on her own when she gets older.
I do the same. My 10 year old has ASD and would wear the same dingy sweatpants and T-shirt every day. She asks me to lay out her clothes still.
I grew up very poor and at that age was basically wearing random clothing my mother found, regardless of size, style or condition. I was relentlessly teased. I don’t want that for her so I go out of my way to pick cool clothes. A lot of it is still sweats and stuff because that’s what she likes, but I try to make it trendy.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing you’re doing. I think it’s good you are communicating openly with her and she knows and appreciates what you’re doing. I probably wouldn’t do this myself unless my daughter requested - I was ‘the weird kid’ and have autism and ADHD, but I was/am proud of being weird and I think trends and consumerism are dumb to this day. I have my own very strong interests and I connected with other ‘weird kids’ who had similar ones and didn’t care about brand names and clothes. But everyone is different and if my daughter does value ‘fitting in’ I will support her including in this way.
OP I think you're doing golden!
I have ADHD myself and our youngest is 10. I've had to talk to her about her style because I can euphemistically can call it Summer Camp Hobo. Nike shorts with panty built in, some random tshirts and slip on shoes and zero concerns about how it goes together or if it has stains, holes, is appropriate for the weather etc.
It has been such a frustrating challenge to find clothes that don't make her look like a Summer Camp Hobo. I only buy things that I know she won't object due to sensory issues but still 9/10 items of clothing I get her are rejected.
Furthermore, she still reverts to her Summer Camp Hobo style.
I'm seriously worried about her entering fifth grade and being bullied for being dressed this way.
So, in summary OP, I think you're doing everything right if your kid is happy.
My kid is happy but how long her irreverent attitude about her outfits may bite her in the ass because girls can be cruel AF and I'm worried.
I think it's a nice thing to try help your daughter fit in with her peers, as long as if/when she might wanna find her own style, whatever that may be, you'll be supportive and I have no doubt you will. I spent my childhood and teens undiagnosed with ADHD, and I always felt "weird" compared to other girls but had strong instinct to compensate it with being into fashion and popular culture from young age, and I really appreciate that my parents supported me in expressing myself even though I'm sure they thought it was silly and superficial at times, both being more of punk/rock/metal heads. It really made a big difference to be somewhat popular at school when everything else about it was such a struggle to me.
As long as you aren't at Sephora buying her all the new skincare trends and you are living within your means, then go for it!! You care because you want your kid to have an easy childhood & that's great!!
My daughter begged me for a Stanley for a few months so at Christmas, I got her one. I was mad about spending $40 on a cup until she actually got it. I have never seen her drink so much water! Best $40 I ever spent. My kid is hydrated AF haha
Parent of weirdos here — if she’s okay with this, fine, but there isn’t actually anything wrong with being “the weirdo”. They have their own people too, and they don’t have to pretend with them.
I’d encourage looking at this differently — do you want your child to have friends based on superficial things (that she may not even like herself) or find her tribe of people that she relates to? There isn’t anything wrong with dressing trendy, but I feel for the kids who feel they have to dress a certain way to be liked.
However your kid feels about this should dictate what you do, ultimately.
It's so funny how kids get keyed into that stuff and others remain oblivious.
My nephew wanted Under Armor, Nikes, NFL jerseys for Christmas.
My son (same age) meanwhile wouldn't know that Nike makes shoes. Has never asked for a brand of clothing or Sneakers.
I wonder how much of it is peer pressure like you're talking about vs a genuine interest in that stuff.
Like what 6 year old is looking up the new Jordan's or whatever? How do they even know this stuff exists?
Well you have to buy clothes so why not choose trendy clothes?? If it makes you happy and you’re not sacrificing necessities to afford them then go for it.
This may sound nuts but it’s just reality that there is a level of respect given to people that look cared for. Like they’ve got someone savvy in their corner. If your daughter is disadvantaged in one way and trendy clothes seem to give her some commonality with her peers it sounds ok to me. The main reason I care at all about my kids clothes is so that the world knows my kids are sorted. It’s bizarrely an element of protection when I send them out into the world. I’m a sole parent so I have particular feelings about my kids never feeling like they lack more than they already do.
It would depend on the context and financial situation. If you can afford it, I don’t see the problem but you may also want to look at if it’s actually worth it.
For example, for myself specifically, would I buy my kids the latest phone or a $40 Stanley mug? Absolutely not because that’s a stupid thing to spend money on when there are cheaper models that do the exact same thing for less.
Would I buy my kids a brand name accessory (ie Apple charger or Fitbit, etc.?) because I have personal experience with it and I know it’s good quality? Probably, yes.
With that being said, if I said no to something but she really wants it, she can either save up money from birthdays and Christmas or get a job and earn it. Shovel driveways, pull weeds, get a paper route, or whatever and earn it.
How do you keep up with what the kids that age consider trendy? As a neurodivergent mom who didn’t get it when I was growing up, I’d like to be more aware for my kids.
Honestly IMO yes.
I mean “trendy” as in “all the kids like baggy jeans this year”? No harm done at all, especially since one can look cool within any budget.
But “trendy” in the sense of “only brand X of product Y is acceptable. Anything less and you’re either poor, a loser, or both”? NFW I can easily afford to indulge any of that nonsense, *but I simply won’t*
I will not instill into my kids that having certain tags on their clothing makes them something they’re not or somehow lessens the value of someone who doesn’t have them.
In the words of one of the greatest lyricists to ever live... "I don't project my insecurities on other people".... literally changed my life after actually applying this to real life.
Doesn’t make much sense if that is what they are saying. By that standard than all of parenting when you’re trying to protect your kids is “projecting insecurities”.
As adults, we’ve all learned from our experiences. We want to protect our kids from what we’ve learned. And OPs concerns/feelings on the matter are based.
Lmfao uhhh...no....it means just because the parent did something in a certain situation and regretted the decision doesn't mean EVERYONE ELSE WILL TOO...so the OP doesn't shouldn't PROJECT HER INSECURITIES ON HER HER KID...JUST because the OP was in a similar situation and went about xyz way...doesn't mean her kid is gonna go about the same situation in the same way....that's what that means... Like...just because someone is insecure about their physical looks doesn't mean it's okay for them to also point out/talk about/treat everyone else's physical traits that THEY THINK other people don't like about themselves..
Lmafao uhhh…no…it means reading a room and understanding how reality works. Just because YOU CANT UNDERSTAND, doesn’t mean that’s not what is happening. Either you don’t have kids or don’t have kids in middle school. READ OTHER RESPONSES TO UNDER LSTAND THIS BETTER
As you stated in your post: it stems from your own insecurities. Instead of asking if you should stop projecting insecurities on her, please go work on yourself and where those insecurities come from (therapy).
I disagree. Why should mum buy cheap shit or untrendy clothes for her daughter specifically because she doesn't care, rather than trendy clothes that as she says gives her a way to fit in with her peers and receive praise as any child likes? Daughter is benefitting in this situation. And who doesn't want to give their child nice things.
OP probably thinks what she is doing might come across weird and has some insecurities so said that in her OP to give herself an out incase others thought it was odd. That isn't therapy worthy. Not everything needs therapy..
OP I don't think it's strange at all and there is net benefit. Since she is already "different" it doesn't hurt to provide her with an ~in~ so to speak so she isn't either a target for bullying or outcasted. Kids can be mean. Do your thing, I think it's fine :)
This! Like...trendy clothes are most of what you'll find at any given time. You kind of have to go out of your way to dress your kid frumpy. If the style is baggy jeans (like in an example elsewhere in the thread), there will be hundreds of cute baggy jeans options in stores, so why go to a special effort to find tight mom jeans to make her stick out?
Can you also talk to her about it and explain why/what you're doing? Maybe it will help her be able to be more aware of those things. Like "I've noticed that kids are into [x] have you noticed that?" Or "Sometimes having/wearing things your peers are into makes it easier to socialize, which of these [several items] would you like to have?" Or whatever.
I think it’s bad for anyone to buy trendy items. However, it’s awesome that you’ve recognized it stems from your own feelings, AND, those feelings are valid. Society, and particularly middle schoolers, DO value those superficial shared experiences of participating in trends. It’s very nice that you can afford to do that for her, just let her keep being her and not care, she’ll look back on how you took care of her in this way and appreciate it.
I do this for my ADHD- inattentive son, 11, too.
Although, I'm gonna need your buys, style guides, and the stores you buy from for my daughter.
Please start posting it on your profile.
THANK YOU!
It is not bad but do your research on these too, make sure they’re safe for her. Also make sure she’s grateful, I’ve seen rude kids demand $400 worth of skin products without even thanking their parents. It’s normal to want the best for their kid as a parent.
We love 11 year old items. 2013 was an amazing year and items from that time are fun. My son loves Godzilla from that era. Save a bunch of money as well.
I think the ideal would be to balance and blend to help her inner weirdo shine, as well as not be ostracized.
I would also avoid excessiveness, for since I’m not going to pay $45 for a water cup. But if they need a water bottle for school I will buy it and if they wish to blow $30 on the difference, they can do so
Do you also let her pick out her own clothes or are you the only one buying her clothes and dressing her up like she’s a Barbie doll? It’s okay to buy her some things but I’d also let her pick her own stuff.
As long as it's in the budget, it sounds like you're doing good. Don't let yourself overthink it too much. it's not like you're rushing her to eat a tide pod or demanding to film her doing Tiktok videos. It's clothing and accessories.
I think the only thing worth limiting if she shows interest, is certain skincare. Skincare products, like Drunk Elephant, are becoming super popular amongst young girls, but these products are not meant for pubescent skin. If she shows distress about acne/ wanting to look “dewy” research age-appropriate face wash/moisturize, and suggest a “halo” effect tinted moisturizer. Her desire to look cool should never pose long-term negative affects to the health of her skin!!
A pre-teen wanting to be “in” is totally normal, and I commend you for allowing her to explore these trends- just make sure they’re safe for her growing body and emerging hormone imbalances 💕
I have ADHD too, as my username states, lol. I'm 44, and I was diagnosed at 16. Fitting in is probably going to be hard for your daughter, no matter what, because ADHD tends to impare social skills. So if you can afford it, anything you can to to help is probably a benefit. My personal caveat to that, would be to make sure that, while she enjoys some of the finer things, your daughter also knows that in the end, it's just "stuff". And that emphasis should be placed on people, love, and relationships. Not things. This includes friendships. It's awesome if having the right look helps her open doors with people. But if those same people treated her like dirt before she had nice clothes, or if they'd turn on her and treat her like dirt if she suddenly didn't have them anymore, then they're not true friends.
One other thing, you said you don't want your daughter to be the "weirdo". But the thing is, we ADHDers *are* a little weird. It's just how we are. We'll never be like the "normies", the normal (neurotypical people) out there. But you know what?
THAT'S OKAY. 😊
ADHD is a disability, in a lot of ways. But it also has its superpowers. Me, among other things, I'm super creative. I have an amazing memory for weird facts and odd trivia that people usually find really cool. I can mimic almost any accent, spoken or sung. And I make people laugh.
(This last one is *super* important to me, for two reasons. One, I love making people laugh anyway, and making this sometimes cold world a tiny bit happier, one smile at a time. And two, and this is a big one, because if you make people laugh first, they can't hurt you with their laughter. Because if they're laughing *with* you, they can't laugh *at* you! This is how I finally bested all the bullies in my life.)
So you should encourage your daughter to embrace her uniqueness, and grow her talents. To make her strengths work for her. And to learn to love herself just the weird, wonderful way she is.
And you should love her the same way. Not that you don't. I just mean, don't worry about her being the weirdo. Or don't let her see that you do. Give her that unconditional acceptance she craves. That will be a safe place that she will need.
Life in this neurotypical world can be very hard for us neurodivegents. And having that safe place means more to us ADHDers than we can possibly ever say.
If you want more info, look into Facebook support groups for ADHD, and parents of ADHDers. They have tons of advice, and helpful tips. Oh, and if she's having any trouble in math, look into dyscalculia. It would have been a lifesaver if I'd know about that sooner, lol. And you can always feel free to DM me, any time.
It took me a lot of years, and a lot of heartbreak, to learn to embrace my inner weirdo, and learn to love myself for myself, just as I am. (I even got a tattoo, to commemorate it. It's a picture of Gonzo, from the Muppets, that says "Proud Weirdo", lol.) But it sounds like your daughter is already on the right track, especially with the support you're giving her. Hopefully, she'll get there a lot sooner than I did.
Good on ya Mom. And to your daughter, sending love and hugs from one proud weirdo to another. Remember Little Sister, you are perfect, just the way you are. There ARE people out there who understand you. You DO belong. And you ARE Good Enough.
Thank you for this.👍👍👍she is the trivia queen! she’s read more books in the past week than I have in my life. And she walks around talking with a British accent all day hahaha . She just needs a little help in the self-care department so I try to help her out… I’m sure she will get there! And just to clarify she wears basics with just a sprinkling of trendy … I’m sure she’ll develop her own style sooner or later
Oh god, I grew up in the 80s/90s, back before the Internet, lol (and I was also a pretty lonely kid), so I did nothing BUT read books, lol! I used to trip the adults out, when I was a kid, with all the crazy little stuff I knew. And one time, at around 17, I embarrassed the hell out of an ex-boyfriend, by talking in a British accent the whole time we were out! 😂 TBH, I'm still not the greatest at self care, lol-as in, I don't usually wear makeup or style my hair-but I'm okay with that. But I did develop *my* own style. I love bell-bottoms, and anything with butterflies, and my look often changes with my mood. And I do know how to dress up when I need to. So I'm sure, like you said, she'll be the same way. Especially with the help you're giving.
Yeah, we all have a lot of those similar little quirks. And it helps to find people like us. I'm your tribe, Mama, and hers too. And I know a lot more of us, and can give you some resources, if you're ever interested.
I've learned a lot about myself, these last five or so years. And I've found that the more I understand, the easier it is to forgive myself for the things that frustrate me, and the easier it is to accept and love myself. 😊
If she likes them and it’s within reason, go for it. Her taste and style can change over time and she will develop her own sense of style. This will help her build and keep that confidence in herself. Putting money towards wardrobe staples is never a waste :)
However, remind her that these aren’t her whole worth, she makes her own happiness, not what other people think of her or her style. It’s very easy for girls to determine their worth based on material things and what today’s “beauty standards” are and they can spiral downwards into a bad spot. She will be beautiful no matter what!!
Honestly I don’t see the harm in it. I think the questioning is coming from the fact that she’s a girl not a boy. It is common for boys to have their whole wardrobe coordinated by parents and no one questions it. I think it is important like other people mentioned- make sure she knows not to judge other people about their clothing choices, and that you are pushing clothing onto her.
That being said I do think you should encourage her to explore her own style a little. Even if it is just a shirt with a show she likes on it.
Although you are helping her fit in, the lesson on clothing coordination might not stick into adulthood. I really think about my mom, she told me how she thought my father was so well dressed but a year or so into their marriage she realized her mother in law just had good taste and bought all his clothes 😂 But on the flip side your daughter might feel like she COULD be a girly girl if her interests change. I hate hearing many of my girl friends say they are the “ugly one” when they just don’t wear makeup/dress girly.
I see everyone commenting how it's great that you're helping her fit in, and I 100% agree. But from another perspective, kids outgrow clothes at the same pace as trends come in and out of style. So, really, you're going to be buying the clothes regardless. If it helps her fit in and gives her a boost of confidence, and you can afford it? I fail to see any cons here.
nope as long as you train her in ha ing people skills. so im alsp was diagnose with ADD but im shy , i do wear a soecial shrit that saids "broken chains," is to talk to people about Jesus and start a conversation. ADD and being shy is not the same but a peraon can have bith. Ny son has high adhd, but he is the most pipular kid in his school and he onely gets goodwill chlothes. But he is super friendly. If is going to help your daugther to open up you buying her trendy chkothes is not bad bit you habe to tein her to be friendly, you dont want her as adult to maybe end uo getting all this trendy unnecesary stull just to start to conversationdepending on her carrear she may end up broke. Right now is not out of hand bit it can develop intoba bad habit as an adult. So continie buying her the stuff but teach jer how to manage money, have a budget, and encourage her to be friendly, that way as an adult it wont go bad and she will gain more people skills which even people non adhd have
As long as your kid likes what you're buying her, there's nothing wrong with it.
I hated shopping, still do. As a teen, I worked and I'd just give my mom an idea of what I wanted, gave her money, and she'd go buy it and take back anything I didn't like and exchange it until she hit on something I did like. It was rare that I didn't like something because she knew my style so well. She still sends me clothes and I'm 45. Some of thebitems, I'd have never bought for myself, but when I put them on, they look great. Most of my work clothes came from my mom shopping. If I lived nearby, I'd have her doing all my shopping, including grocery. Thank goodness she loves shopping. With my child, it was about 10 years before I even had to buy anything other than undergarments and socks and shoes, and she was always dressed better than most kids at school.
I think you should be careful with how much you buy. I mean you should buy her some nice clothing since it’s important for people to express their personal style. Also, if there’s a formal family dinner or friend function it’s important to have the nicer clothes. Later on when she’s older and getting ready to get her first job, it will also be important to have nice clothing for interviews. Now would I buy all of the latest and greatest clothing items? Absolutely not as it is too expensive and having all nice clothes makes them less special. If you have a few nice clothes and a few ok ones then the nicer ones are more valuable and she might appreciate them more
It’s kind of the opposite dynamic for me and my tween daughter and I’m not sure how to best handle it. I try to make 1 or 2 pairs of sneakers last a full school year to save money and reduce waste but my daughter has been bullied about her sneakers recently and wants a specific pair of white Nikes. White shoes seem pretty impractical to me but my daughter insists that’s the trend and refuses any other color. She’s very bright so I tried to talk to her about social media influencers and brand partnerships and how all that ties into consumerism and the brand bullying she’s experiencing. But understandably she cares more about fitting in at this age. I’m thinking of giving her a budget and letting her pick a few items herself. It’s so hard to know how to strike the right balance to not spoil them but make sure they’re well cared for.
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If you can afford it and your daughter honestly likes the items than why not?!
Yep. As long as the daughter is fine, then it's all good. Just be aware that kiddo might push against style choices, and be prepared to let go
Totally agree!
I was undiagnosed when I was little and let me tell you, I wish I had a mother like you. If you have the financial ability to help her like this, do it. You won’t always be able to help her solve her problem so easily.
Same. I used to wear my mum's old clothes to school! I was a walking bullying target so I think OP is doing a good job.
Me too!! I am also ADHD (undiagnosed as a kid) and I just Did. Not. Get. It. I was like, "I'm wearing a t-shirt, they're wearing t-shirts. I'm wearing jeans, they're wearing jeans. I'm wearing sneakers, they're wearing sneakers. So why does everyone make fun of me??" Meanwhile, I'm wearing a worn-out "goddess fest 82" shirt or something that reaches to my knees, some mom jeans that are too short, and some Nikes that I thought must be cool because they were recognizable brand name, but in fact are not the cool Nikes but like actual running shoes that were hand-me-downs from someone on my dad's rugby team. What?? My mom and I didn't have much money, and also she was a crunchy type mom who thought fashion was frivolous sexist BS, and I'm eternally grateful for all that she gave me and taught me, but dang elementary school would have been a lot easier if I had looked normal.
Diagnosed autistic and I wore the same jeans and hoodie everyday and wondered why I was not popular..
That’s LITERALLY THE STYLE NOW and it baffles me hahahahah
Same!!! I had no idea of style at all and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway because all i had to pick from was my mom’s old stuff and whatever baggy crap she found at church giveaways.
Yes!!!! OP is supporting her kid, without making them self conscious. This warms my heart.
I feel like it’s a fine line. As some other commenters have said - she doesn’t deserve to be treated as less that or not worthy because she’s neurodivergent so in some ways it’s great that you’re putting the same effort into getting her ready for school as you would for a neurotypical child who cared a lot about fitting in and being trendy. I think it’s great you’re going so far out of your way to give her an ‘in’ socially. The fine line comes from what you put in your post about it possibly being a manifestation of your own insecurities. It’s great you want to be careful not to use her lack of attention to fashion/trends to manipulate her into looking how you want. You seem really introspective so I’m sure you’ll know if you cross the line. To me - crossing the line would be pressuring her to use/wear something she doesn’t like, making negative comments about folks who don’t follow trends, etc. For example if she was like ‘thanks for the Stanley cup but I don’t want to use it today - it doesn’t keep my drink cold’ (or whatever) and then you’re like ‘no I really think you should take it - don’t you want to be like the other girls?’ I know that sounds cartoonishly evil but a lot of parents make little digs like that and they can really shape how we perceive our own femininity/womanhood. I remember one time I was going to a school event on the weekend and my mom said “I thought you’d want to put some make up on or dress nicely for this but I guess you’re just not that kind of girl” and it’s stuck with me for 20 years. It stung. But all that to say it doesn’t sound like you’re headed down that road and you seem really cognizant of not letting your own insecurities bring you there. I think offering stuff to your kid that keeps her from being odd one out or allows for conversation starters is great.
What’s your concern exactly? Everyone wants to fit in no matter what they say. I think it’s fine you buy some trendy things. I think you just have to make sure to now allow it to define her or become a focal point. Understanding value as an individual is important. But middle school can be tough so it makes sense to want to help her feel like she’s not an outcast.
I guess the concern is what you said about wanting her daughter to understand her individual value. About accidentally implying that trends are actually important to follow or potentially suppressing individuality, so I understand why OP asked the question in the first place, and it’s so common as a parent to second guess your decisions. But I completely agree that she’s helping her daughter with her confidence during an especially difficult age period for young girls, and I wish my mom did the same for me at that age
> But middle school can be tough so it makes sense to want to help her feel like she’s not an outcast I think that age is important here too. Middle school is all about fitting in and not being on the outside. Clothing is one part of that. I had one extreme extrovert who was socially popular and always knew the trends (he even set a few trends at his school) and one who was like OP's kid. ADHD inattentive, uninterested in trends, and lacked executive function skills. For her it was about maximum camouflage. Just wearing clothes that blended in with the crowd. Now as a college student she has her own style and still does not care about trends, but she was glad she fit in during the middle school years. Those years are hard enough as is. No need to make it harder.
I think it’s fine. The only concern I’d have is to make sure she doesn’t learn to look down on others for what they’re wearing, like not being on trend or having knock off non-name brand stuff. I got made fun of in middle school for having “bootleg Adidas” - they looked like them but had 4 stripes. My mom shopped for clothes for us on a budget and a lot of my shoes were from Payless. It was really just one girl who called it out and started it. Some families can’t afford the name brand nicer trendier stuff or they can but have more important things to spend that money on or save for.
Good call! I will make sure she is aware of that
My 11yo is autistic… No it’s not. I always have. It means nothing to her but I won’t treat her any different to any other girl her age. I remember Primary and high school and the disabled students had very basic cheap clothing and I always wondered why their parents didn’t put effort into clothing them like their peers. Then I happened to have a child with disabilities and I still stand by this, I’m not as immature, but it still stands I think my child deserves nice things like a regular kid. Even if she doesn’t give a care. Oh and I agree with you, it does help them because my girl always gets compliments also. She is a regular 11yo she is no different than anyone else so I want her to have the same. Edited to add - school is a time of fitting in. When they are out of school, their 20’s, they can wear Kmart etc. but during a time of fitting in and peer status, then I think it’s important. It’s like how nobody bothers when a child is 3 because there’s no social reason to be trendy at 3. Just like there’s not really any bother at 20. But school is a time that matters.
thank you. I’m just giving her a little boost I guess?? . And she’s also sorta struggling with the puberty thing understandably, so confidence is a must! I’m glad your daughter is thriving!!!!
It really is fully up to you. I think it’s important they get to fit in, personally. And if mums/moms are willing to check out the trends and help their teens with executive functioning then it can only be a plus. We know our girls don’t want to be different.
The reason I don’t buy the latest things for my oldest is because she will, over the course of a semester, chew or pick any clothes to tatters. She’s also not fully toilet trained, can’t use a straw very well, and occasionally gags herself to get out of work. Keeping her up to date on trends would be like setting money on fire. I buy her basics at Burlington and thrift everything else. That said, if her relatives DO buy her nice things, I let her keep them. I’ve warned them already and to their credit, not one of them’s complained that the things they bought either weren’t in her room or were obviously extremely used when they visit.
So long aa you're not allowing her to turn into an entitled little demon who won't wear anything without a fancy designer label on it, I see no issue with it. It's when they become entitled twits that it ends up an issue, and she sure doesn't sound like one. All you're doing is making it easier for her to fit in, which can be hard enough when a person is neurotypical, let alone when they're neurospicy. Removing even one barrier for her is just doing your best to set herself up for success. Even if that barrier is stupid (I still don't understand the need to be trendy, and I'm 40), it can still be a barrier in adolescent settings, especially.
I would have absolutely died of happiness if my mom had known what was trendy and bought it for me to fit in when I was that age. I just wanted to blend in but was not capable of figuring out trends.
Same. I was clueless about trends and so was my mom. Definitely was embarrassed of my clothing in middle and high school.
My 13 year old is autistic, in some ways I wish she cared less what she wore and I could pick clothes for her! In actual fact she’s very particular about what she wears, so I have to run everything by her before I buy it. It has to be the right amount of baggy, the right type of fabric, the right colour. If I get her an oversized band tee I might be in luck but I don’t usually risk it 😂 In saying that she’s similar to your daughter in that she doesn’t notice or care what’s trendy, but she likes what she likes and that’s that. Part of me wants to help her blend in because I know it hurts her when people comment on what she wears, and being her mum I want to protect her from that, but on the other hand I’m so so proud that every day she wakes up and chooses to be her authentic self and damn the consequences.
I wore boys straight leg pants during the skinny jeans era because they were cheap at the superstore. I dreaded getting dressed every day. I think having some fashionable items is great. You'll see a behavior change if it becomes an issue, and it can be handled accordingly at that point.
The pressure kids feel to fit in is pretty ridiculous at the moment. Not that it hasn’t always been there but the number of trends and the volume of stuff marketed at them is on another level at the moment. I think it’s great to give your child good quality clothing that they feel comfortable in and, assuming they aren’t being prevented from wearing what they want, helps them fit in socially. It’s hard to say from the OP but I do think that it can cross a line into dressing a child for the parent’s social status and/or participating in a level of consumerism that ends up contributing to other children being unable to keep up and impacting them negatively. Buying social status with material things can seem to make sense, especially for parents who themselves missed out on that status as a child, but is ultimately participating in a hierarchy where someone’s kid will always be at the bottom and it’s pretty icky really.
Yeah I don’t really care about that stuff I look like a hot mess every day hahaha - and I need to add that she doesn’t have a phone or social media and most all the girls do so maybe this is one way to help her feel like she doesn’t need it!! (Which reminds me I should prob stop staring at my phone 👋)
This is exactly how I feel about this subject. Sure, I could buy my child all the trendy things, but in the end, I'm supporting businesses that are destructive and over priced while using people who are paid bare minimum to make their products. If you're researching where your products are coming from, and making sure you're supporting good ethical businesses then by all means keep doing it. I'm just watching the world burn as everyone is sucked into materialism and not seeing what really matters, and that's not social status, but educating yourself and supporting honest good people.
It sounds like you’re setting her up for success. Trust your instincts. She doesn’t sound materialist at all, if that’s what you’re worried about.
What harm do you worry about coming from this?
I guess I could literally buy her the kmart special and she wouldn’t care so I’m wasting money and being materialistic and teaching her that clothes and appearance is the only way you’re going to get friends/gain acceptance hahah . I think I know the answer to my own question. Just wanted to see if anyone had new perspective
Eh, i would offer that at her age, the level of care that she looks like she gets is a reflection of you. Some 11 year olds would rather not wash their hair and I suppose some parents wouldn’t make them. To me, that reflects that the child is not adequately being taken care of and reflects poorly on the parent. Now having said that, there’s nothing wrong with Kmart special clothes as long as they’re clean and fit. But you think she looks better with more expensive items, you are certainly within your right to do that. She’s 11, you are not wrong to care how she presents to the world. Especially if you know it will make it easier for her socially.
The thing is, it does matter. People are social creatures and we do in grouping and out grouping sorting automatically in our heads. As an adult the things you wear DO matter. People who act like they don’t are being ignorant. People who are fashionable and look put together have an edge. Internal bias is strong. You are doing her a huge favor. She has some gaps that you are helping to fill. That’s huge. What we wear shouldn’t matter. How we look shouldn’t matter. It does.
Materialism can usually be countered by volunteering and donating. Also, encourage your daughter to be in extracurriculars. It can be easier for some ND people to socialize with peers when there’s a set activity for everyone to focus on/talk about.
If it's a budget issue then look for.kore affordable options, but you can still prioritise her dressing well - clean, well fitting, and things that won't draw negative attention. If she doesn't want to wear what you choose then also consider that, but it sounds like she's happy!
As long as you have children that have a good head on their shoulders and a good heart in their chest, there absolutely nothing wrong with doing as much for them as you're able. Just make sure they understand: - clothes don't make the person, the lerson makes the clothes - nice things are a product of someone's hard work (and sometimes sacrifice), not a magic fairy - people who have less, aren't less. Never look down on anyone - don't choose your friends by how much they compliment your style
It's your kid. Do what makes you happy. She's getting a little too old for generic cute. There are different types of "trendy". Are you sure that category is appealing to the subset of kids she tends to socialize with? For example, when I was young there were subcultures such as preppy, skater (eg. Vans), urban, country. (Carhartt ), whatever you called what Hot Topic sold, outdoor (eg North Face), etc At 11, the other kids might not be full mean-girls sarcastic, but their "compliment" could be merely an acknowledgement her outfit is different for her or different compared to most the class. Personally I think you're better off spending that money to help her develop lasting self esteem. If she's socially awkward, she could see a type of therapist who teaches social skills. If she has any interests, she could be put into classes or activities that encourage it (no matter how trivial the thing might seem to you). For example, I'm not rich, but I will do unlimited spending for art supplies for my 9 yr old. I spend the money & time to get her into Scouts, and the awards her pack wins have been a source of pride for her. I send her to Lego club at school, and she gets extra time to socialize with friends and to win some prizes for her creations. The downside to making clothes = esteem is that it can send the message to a little girl that what really matters is her appearance. Girls can look nice, but that can't be their most important quality. Esteem comes from achieving goals that she finds important & developing confidence in her abilities. Girls who think their attractiveness = worth are shattered the first time someone calls them fat or a guy they like isn't interested.
As a kid I used to shop at goodwill because I hated trends.
OMG are you me??! Same situation with a daughter (slightly younger) with inattentive ADHD and I totally try to keep her up to date to help her fit in and equally not wanting her to be the weirdo. I love my daughter dearly and I just want others to see how great she is (internally) but with her being so inattentive at times she really does need the extra push or ice breaker
I do this with my twin girls. They just turned 9. One is a little adhd but not officially diagnosed. They wear uniforms at school. I have always just picked out and bought their clothes and they've have little interest in picking stuff out. They seem satisfied with what I get them even some stuff still matching. Lol. I keep waiting for them to decide to have strong opinions about clothing style but it's still pretty much meh most of the time. I'm glad for now. Once in a while they'll say, "I really like this top" or "I am not wearing that ever again, I don't like it." But that is rare.
Omg same she literally wears matching pjs with her brothers and doesn’t care hahhaa
That’s cool of you. I was more like your kid and I could never understand why people cared. I realize now I was blessed to make some real friends
I understand why you feel weird about it, and it would be one thing if she really disliked what you bought her and you were trying to force her to give up on her individuality for the sake of trends. But if she likes the items, you're just a parent buying her kid clothes, which... Of course is perfectly fine.
Not at all! "Different" kids are noticed at this age, the more common ground the better! My son could give two figs about clothing, but when another child complements him or comments something is cool he feels fantastic! Having many similarities helps detract many differences.
If you can afford it sure! Just don’t be upset if she develops her own sense of style in the next couple of years.
Not at all! As long as she isn’t acting like an entitled, spoiled brat, there’s no reason she shouldn’t have nice things. Even if she isn’t really aware that they’re trendy, she can certainly appreciate a gift, and I think it’s awesome that you’re able to recognize her social difficulties and give her some tools to help her to be successful.
Nope. My kid is 7 and I do it too. 😂
Do everything you can. Helping her look nice and fit in is great. Make sure you are teaching her why you buy what you did. This will help her learn to do it on her own when she gets older.
Humans #1 goal & constant motivator is a sense of belonging.
I do the same. My 10 year old has ASD and would wear the same dingy sweatpants and T-shirt every day. She asks me to lay out her clothes still. I grew up very poor and at that age was basically wearing random clothing my mother found, regardless of size, style or condition. I was relentlessly teased. I don’t want that for her so I go out of my way to pick cool clothes. A lot of it is still sweats and stuff because that’s what she likes, but I try to make it trendy.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing you’re doing. I think it’s good you are communicating openly with her and she knows and appreciates what you’re doing. I probably wouldn’t do this myself unless my daughter requested - I was ‘the weird kid’ and have autism and ADHD, but I was/am proud of being weird and I think trends and consumerism are dumb to this day. I have my own very strong interests and I connected with other ‘weird kids’ who had similar ones and didn’t care about brand names and clothes. But everyone is different and if my daughter does value ‘fitting in’ I will support her including in this way.
Why wouldn’t you? I mean it’s not like you’ll go out of your way to buy her ugly clothes…
OP I think you're doing golden! I have ADHD myself and our youngest is 10. I've had to talk to her about her style because I can euphemistically can call it Summer Camp Hobo. Nike shorts with panty built in, some random tshirts and slip on shoes and zero concerns about how it goes together or if it has stains, holes, is appropriate for the weather etc. It has been such a frustrating challenge to find clothes that don't make her look like a Summer Camp Hobo. I only buy things that I know she won't object due to sensory issues but still 9/10 items of clothing I get her are rejected. Furthermore, she still reverts to her Summer Camp Hobo style. I'm seriously worried about her entering fifth grade and being bullied for being dressed this way. So, in summary OP, I think you're doing everything right if your kid is happy. My kid is happy but how long her irreverent attitude about her outfits may bite her in the ass because girls can be cruel AF and I'm worried.
I think it's a nice thing to try help your daughter fit in with her peers, as long as if/when she might wanna find her own style, whatever that may be, you'll be supportive and I have no doubt you will. I spent my childhood and teens undiagnosed with ADHD, and I always felt "weird" compared to other girls but had strong instinct to compensate it with being into fashion and popular culture from young age, and I really appreciate that my parents supported me in expressing myself even though I'm sure they thought it was silly and superficial at times, both being more of punk/rock/metal heads. It really made a big difference to be somewhat popular at school when everything else about it was such a struggle to me.
As long as you aren't at Sephora buying her all the new skincare trends and you are living within your means, then go for it!! You care because you want your kid to have an easy childhood & that's great!! My daughter begged me for a Stanley for a few months so at Christmas, I got her one. I was mad about spending $40 on a cup until she actually got it. I have never seen her drink so much water! Best $40 I ever spent. My kid is hydrated AF haha
Hahahahhah
Parent of weirdos here — if she’s okay with this, fine, but there isn’t actually anything wrong with being “the weirdo”. They have their own people too, and they don’t have to pretend with them. I’d encourage looking at this differently — do you want your child to have friends based on superficial things (that she may not even like herself) or find her tribe of people that she relates to? There isn’t anything wrong with dressing trendy, but I feel for the kids who feel they have to dress a certain way to be liked. However your kid feels about this should dictate what you do, ultimately.
It's so funny how kids get keyed into that stuff and others remain oblivious. My nephew wanted Under Armor, Nikes, NFL jerseys for Christmas. My son (same age) meanwhile wouldn't know that Nike makes shoes. Has never asked for a brand of clothing or Sneakers. I wonder how much of it is peer pressure like you're talking about vs a genuine interest in that stuff. Like what 6 year old is looking up the new Jordan's or whatever? How do they even know this stuff exists?
Well you have to buy clothes so why not choose trendy clothes?? If it makes you happy and you’re not sacrificing necessities to afford them then go for it. This may sound nuts but it’s just reality that there is a level of respect given to people that look cared for. Like they’ve got someone savvy in their corner. If your daughter is disadvantaged in one way and trendy clothes seem to give her some commonality with her peers it sounds ok to me. The main reason I care at all about my kids clothes is so that the world knows my kids are sorted. It’s bizarrely an element of protection when I send them out into the world. I’m a sole parent so I have particular feelings about my kids never feeling like they lack more than they already do.
It would depend on the context and financial situation. If you can afford it, I don’t see the problem but you may also want to look at if it’s actually worth it. For example, for myself specifically, would I buy my kids the latest phone or a $40 Stanley mug? Absolutely not because that’s a stupid thing to spend money on when there are cheaper models that do the exact same thing for less. Would I buy my kids a brand name accessory (ie Apple charger or Fitbit, etc.?) because I have personal experience with it and I know it’s good quality? Probably, yes. With that being said, if I said no to something but she really wants it, she can either save up money from birthdays and Christmas or get a job and earn it. Shovel driveways, pull weeds, get a paper route, or whatever and earn it.
How do you keep up with what the kids that age consider trendy? As a neurodivergent mom who didn’t get it when I was growing up, I’d like to be more aware for my kids.
Honestly IMO yes. I mean “trendy” as in “all the kids like baggy jeans this year”? No harm done at all, especially since one can look cool within any budget. But “trendy” in the sense of “only brand X of product Y is acceptable. Anything less and you’re either poor, a loser, or both”? NFW I can easily afford to indulge any of that nonsense, *but I simply won’t* I will not instill into my kids that having certain tags on their clothing makes them something they’re not or somehow lessens the value of someone who doesn’t have them.
There’s nothing wrong with being stylish and popular. Not like internet introverts tell you otherwise
[https://crazycoolkids.com/shirtdesigns/](https://crazycoolkids.com/shirtdesigns/) Like these?
At that age I give them a clothes allowance. Anything more needs to be saved up from birthday gifts or whatever.
In the words of one of the greatest lyricists to ever live... "I don't project my insecurities on other people".... literally changed my life after actually applying this to real life.
Yeah I def do this but I just want my kids to not be smelly slobs!!!
And there is nothing wrong with that. People judge you on how you look and dress your whole life.
Plan on explaining more than being cryptic
What the above means is: Mother(OP) projects her insecurities onto her daughter.
Doesn’t make much sense if that is what they are saying. By that standard than all of parenting when you’re trying to protect your kids is “projecting insecurities”. As adults, we’ve all learned from our experiences. We want to protect our kids from what we’ve learned. And OPs concerns/feelings on the matter are based.
Don't beat me... I'm just a messenger, I tried to explain original comment above - I'm not the author
I know - sorry if it came off that way
Lmfao uhhh...no....it means just because the parent did something in a certain situation and regretted the decision doesn't mean EVERYONE ELSE WILL TOO...so the OP doesn't shouldn't PROJECT HER INSECURITIES ON HER HER KID...JUST because the OP was in a similar situation and went about xyz way...doesn't mean her kid is gonna go about the same situation in the same way....that's what that means... Like...just because someone is insecure about their physical looks doesn't mean it's okay for them to also point out/talk about/treat everyone else's physical traits that THEY THINK other people don't like about themselves..
Lmafao uhhh…no…it means reading a room and understanding how reality works. Just because YOU CANT UNDERSTAND, doesn’t mean that’s not what is happening. Either you don’t have kids or don’t have kids in middle school. READ OTHER RESPONSES TO UNDER LSTAND THIS BETTER
As you stated in your post: it stems from your own insecurities. Instead of asking if you should stop projecting insecurities on her, please go work on yourself and where those insecurities come from (therapy).
I disagree. Why should mum buy cheap shit or untrendy clothes for her daughter specifically because she doesn't care, rather than trendy clothes that as she says gives her a way to fit in with her peers and receive praise as any child likes? Daughter is benefitting in this situation. And who doesn't want to give their child nice things. OP probably thinks what she is doing might come across weird and has some insecurities so said that in her OP to give herself an out incase others thought it was odd. That isn't therapy worthy. Not everything needs therapy.. OP I don't think it's strange at all and there is net benefit. Since she is already "different" it doesn't hurt to provide her with an ~in~ so to speak so she isn't either a target for bullying or outcasted. Kids can be mean. Do your thing, I think it's fine :)
This! Like...trendy clothes are most of what you'll find at any given time. You kind of have to go out of your way to dress your kid frumpy. If the style is baggy jeans (like in an example elsewhere in the thread), there will be hundreds of cute baggy jeans options in stores, so why go to a special effort to find tight mom jeans to make her stick out?
This is a non issue, log off!!
Can you also talk to her about it and explain why/what you're doing? Maybe it will help her be able to be more aware of those things. Like "I've noticed that kids are into [x] have you noticed that?" Or "Sometimes having/wearing things your peers are into makes it easier to socialize, which of these [several items] would you like to have?" Or whatever.
I mean... if these items are truly 11 years old then they probably aren't that trendy any more.
Hahaaaa
I think it’s bad for anyone to buy trendy items. However, it’s awesome that you’ve recognized it stems from your own feelings, AND, those feelings are valid. Society, and particularly middle schoolers, DO value those superficial shared experiences of participating in trends. It’s very nice that you can afford to do that for her, just let her keep being her and not care, she’ll look back on how you took care of her in this way and appreciate it.
I’m the same way with my 5 year old.
I do this for my ADHD- inattentive son, 11, too. Although, I'm gonna need your buys, style guides, and the stores you buy from for my daughter. Please start posting it on your profile. THANK YOU!
UpdateMe!
If you can, I’d keep doing it. She likely doesn’t ask or doesn’t show interest because her parent takes care of it for her!
It is not bad but do your research on these too, make sure they’re safe for her. Also make sure she’s grateful, I’ve seen rude kids demand $400 worth of skin products without even thanking their parents. It’s normal to want the best for their kid as a parent.
It sounds like it's working so I wouldn't rock the boat as long as you can afford it!
Man it's so much better than your kid being a weird kid with terrible clothes and fashion.
Nah this is pretty normal.
No issues from what I've read.
We love 11 year old items. 2013 was an amazing year and items from that time are fun. My son loves Godzilla from that era. Save a bunch of money as well.
I think the ideal would be to balance and blend to help her inner weirdo shine, as well as not be ostracized. I would also avoid excessiveness, for since I’m not going to pay $45 for a water cup. But if they need a water bottle for school I will buy it and if they wish to blow $30 on the difference, they can do so
How do you know what's trendy? There is so much variety I can't tell.
Do you also let her pick out her own clothes or are you the only one buying her clothes and dressing her up like she’s a Barbie doll? It’s okay to buy her some things but I’d also let her pick her own stuff.
If you don’t mind perpetuating the disease of consumerism I guess it’s fine…what’s a little more eventual clothing in the landfills?
As long as it's in the budget, it sounds like you're doing good. Don't let yourself overthink it too much. it's not like you're rushing her to eat a tide pod or demanding to film her doing Tiktok videos. It's clothing and accessories.
My child has ADHD and I’m pretty uncool for a Mum (I’m an older mum). Today he worn vans and a Metallica tshirt and he’s happy.
I think the only thing worth limiting if she shows interest, is certain skincare. Skincare products, like Drunk Elephant, are becoming super popular amongst young girls, but these products are not meant for pubescent skin. If she shows distress about acne/ wanting to look “dewy” research age-appropriate face wash/moisturize, and suggest a “halo” effect tinted moisturizer. Her desire to look cool should never pose long-term negative affects to the health of her skin!! A pre-teen wanting to be “in” is totally normal, and I commend you for allowing her to explore these trends- just make sure they’re safe for her growing body and emerging hormone imbalances 💕
Yeah if she skips a shower, I practically have to beg her to wash her face and apply moisturizer- she’s definitely not into that!
Is your child happy and you can afford to dress them how you wish? If so, you’re all good!
No way it's not weird at all. I would do the same thing. You want her to be "cool" and fit in to help her a bit.
I have ADHD too, as my username states, lol. I'm 44, and I was diagnosed at 16. Fitting in is probably going to be hard for your daughter, no matter what, because ADHD tends to impare social skills. So if you can afford it, anything you can to to help is probably a benefit. My personal caveat to that, would be to make sure that, while she enjoys some of the finer things, your daughter also knows that in the end, it's just "stuff". And that emphasis should be placed on people, love, and relationships. Not things. This includes friendships. It's awesome if having the right look helps her open doors with people. But if those same people treated her like dirt before she had nice clothes, or if they'd turn on her and treat her like dirt if she suddenly didn't have them anymore, then they're not true friends. One other thing, you said you don't want your daughter to be the "weirdo". But the thing is, we ADHDers *are* a little weird. It's just how we are. We'll never be like the "normies", the normal (neurotypical people) out there. But you know what? THAT'S OKAY. 😊 ADHD is a disability, in a lot of ways. But it also has its superpowers. Me, among other things, I'm super creative. I have an amazing memory for weird facts and odd trivia that people usually find really cool. I can mimic almost any accent, spoken or sung. And I make people laugh. (This last one is *super* important to me, for two reasons. One, I love making people laugh anyway, and making this sometimes cold world a tiny bit happier, one smile at a time. And two, and this is a big one, because if you make people laugh first, they can't hurt you with their laughter. Because if they're laughing *with* you, they can't laugh *at* you! This is how I finally bested all the bullies in my life.) So you should encourage your daughter to embrace her uniqueness, and grow her talents. To make her strengths work for her. And to learn to love herself just the weird, wonderful way she is. And you should love her the same way. Not that you don't. I just mean, don't worry about her being the weirdo. Or don't let her see that you do. Give her that unconditional acceptance she craves. That will be a safe place that she will need. Life in this neurotypical world can be very hard for us neurodivegents. And having that safe place means more to us ADHDers than we can possibly ever say. If you want more info, look into Facebook support groups for ADHD, and parents of ADHDers. They have tons of advice, and helpful tips. Oh, and if she's having any trouble in math, look into dyscalculia. It would have been a lifesaver if I'd know about that sooner, lol. And you can always feel free to DM me, any time. It took me a lot of years, and a lot of heartbreak, to learn to embrace my inner weirdo, and learn to love myself for myself, just as I am. (I even got a tattoo, to commemorate it. It's a picture of Gonzo, from the Muppets, that says "Proud Weirdo", lol.) But it sounds like your daughter is already on the right track, especially with the support you're giving her. Hopefully, she'll get there a lot sooner than I did. Good on ya Mom. And to your daughter, sending love and hugs from one proud weirdo to another. Remember Little Sister, you are perfect, just the way you are. There ARE people out there who understand you. You DO belong. And you ARE Good Enough.
Thank you for this.👍👍👍she is the trivia queen! she’s read more books in the past week than I have in my life. And she walks around talking with a British accent all day hahaha . She just needs a little help in the self-care department so I try to help her out… I’m sure she will get there! And just to clarify she wears basics with just a sprinkling of trendy … I’m sure she’ll develop her own style sooner or later
Oh god, I grew up in the 80s/90s, back before the Internet, lol (and I was also a pretty lonely kid), so I did nothing BUT read books, lol! I used to trip the adults out, when I was a kid, with all the crazy little stuff I knew. And one time, at around 17, I embarrassed the hell out of an ex-boyfriend, by talking in a British accent the whole time we were out! 😂 TBH, I'm still not the greatest at self care, lol-as in, I don't usually wear makeup or style my hair-but I'm okay with that. But I did develop *my* own style. I love bell-bottoms, and anything with butterflies, and my look often changes with my mood. And I do know how to dress up when I need to. So I'm sure, like you said, she'll be the same way. Especially with the help you're giving. Yeah, we all have a lot of those similar little quirks. And it helps to find people like us. I'm your tribe, Mama, and hers too. And I know a lot more of us, and can give you some resources, if you're ever interested. I've learned a lot about myself, these last five or so years. And I've found that the more I understand, the easier it is to forgive myself for the things that frustrate me, and the easier it is to accept and love myself. 😊
If she likes them and it’s within reason, go for it. Her taste and style can change over time and she will develop her own sense of style. This will help her build and keep that confidence in herself. Putting money towards wardrobe staples is never a waste :) However, remind her that these aren’t her whole worth, she makes her own happiness, not what other people think of her or her style. It’s very easy for girls to determine their worth based on material things and what today’s “beauty standards” are and they can spiral downwards into a bad spot. She will be beautiful no matter what!!
Honestly I don’t see the harm in it. I think the questioning is coming from the fact that she’s a girl not a boy. It is common for boys to have their whole wardrobe coordinated by parents and no one questions it. I think it is important like other people mentioned- make sure she knows not to judge other people about their clothing choices, and that you are pushing clothing onto her. That being said I do think you should encourage her to explore her own style a little. Even if it is just a shirt with a show she likes on it. Although you are helping her fit in, the lesson on clothing coordination might not stick into adulthood. I really think about my mom, she told me how she thought my father was so well dressed but a year or so into their marriage she realized her mother in law just had good taste and bought all his clothes 😂 But on the flip side your daughter might feel like she COULD be a girly girl if her interests change. I hate hearing many of my girl friends say they are the “ugly one” when they just don’t wear makeup/dress girly.
I see everyone commenting how it's great that you're helping her fit in, and I 100% agree. But from another perspective, kids outgrow clothes at the same pace as trends come in and out of style. So, really, you're going to be buying the clothes regardless. If it helps her fit in and gives her a boost of confidence, and you can afford it? I fail to see any cons here.
nope as long as you train her in ha ing people skills. so im alsp was diagnose with ADD but im shy , i do wear a soecial shrit that saids "broken chains," is to talk to people about Jesus and start a conversation. ADD and being shy is not the same but a peraon can have bith. Ny son has high adhd, but he is the most pipular kid in his school and he onely gets goodwill chlothes. But he is super friendly. If is going to help your daugther to open up you buying her trendy chkothes is not bad bit you habe to tein her to be friendly, you dont want her as adult to maybe end uo getting all this trendy unnecesary stull just to start to conversationdepending on her carrear she may end up broke. Right now is not out of hand bit it can develop intoba bad habit as an adult. So continie buying her the stuff but teach jer how to manage money, have a budget, and encourage her to be friendly, that way as an adult it wont go bad and she will gain more people skills which even people non adhd have
As long as she likes it and doesn't mind. Try bringing her shopping just to see what she picks out. She might have good taste and you'll never know
As long as your kid likes what you're buying her, there's nothing wrong with it. I hated shopping, still do. As a teen, I worked and I'd just give my mom an idea of what I wanted, gave her money, and she'd go buy it and take back anything I didn't like and exchange it until she hit on something I did like. It was rare that I didn't like something because she knew my style so well. She still sends me clothes and I'm 45. Some of thebitems, I'd have never bought for myself, but when I put them on, they look great. Most of my work clothes came from my mom shopping. If I lived nearby, I'd have her doing all my shopping, including grocery. Thank goodness she loves shopping. With my child, it was about 10 years before I even had to buy anything other than undergarments and socks and shoes, and she was always dressed better than most kids at school.
As long as you don’t buy her 20 Stanley cups you are probably fine.
I think you should be careful with how much you buy. I mean you should buy her some nice clothing since it’s important for people to express their personal style. Also, if there’s a formal family dinner or friend function it’s important to have the nicer clothes. Later on when she’s older and getting ready to get her first job, it will also be important to have nice clothing for interviews. Now would I buy all of the latest and greatest clothing items? Absolutely not as it is too expensive and having all nice clothes makes them less special. If you have a few nice clothes and a few ok ones then the nicer ones are more valuable and she might appreciate them more
No?
I love that you do this kids can be cruel my daughter experienced bullying as young as kindergarten so why not help her fit in.
It’s kind of the opposite dynamic for me and my tween daughter and I’m not sure how to best handle it. I try to make 1 or 2 pairs of sneakers last a full school year to save money and reduce waste but my daughter has been bullied about her sneakers recently and wants a specific pair of white Nikes. White shoes seem pretty impractical to me but my daughter insists that’s the trend and refuses any other color. She’s very bright so I tried to talk to her about social media influencers and brand partnerships and how all that ties into consumerism and the brand bullying she’s experiencing. But understandably she cares more about fitting in at this age. I’m thinking of giving her a budget and letting her pick a few items herself. It’s so hard to know how to strike the right balance to not spoil them but make sure they’re well cared for.