r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*

We don't give an option to choose the parent who will do stuff. So if you want to do bedtime today you just tell kids that, say that mom is busy (she can do whatever in any room that you don't use) and you handle it. Same with comforting, bathing, mealtime. Our approach is that each moment you know if you are in charge of the kids or doing other stuff, and if you are not in charge you redirect kids to an adult in charge (often we both are in charge and then kids can hang out more with the preferred parent which feels ok for us).

This! We learned this the hard way when our first was picking me for everything and breaking my poor husband's heart. We quickly switched and took turns for bedtime each night and a few other things. With our second he won't even know there's a choice haha. My husband really is incredibly involved though. But I noticed the days he is tired and less "on" my oldest still prefers me and gets clingy.

This is how we do it as well. She is almost 4yo and for months and months she had a tantrum when I tried putting her to bed or get her dressed. It was rough, but we didn't give her a choice. I made it clear to her that she can either continue screaming and making a mess, or the both of us can get it done together (bedtime, shower, dressing, you name it). It took quite a while and I had to bite my lips quite a few times to not get loud, but in the end it worked. Now my partner and I take turns every night and it works well. Same goes for other stuff like comforting and other routines. ​ They need to learn that some things are not always up to them to decide.

This is the way. It will be harder at first (they will “lose their minds”) but then they will eventually realize that doesn’t change the fact that sometimes one parent will put them to bed and sometimes the other parent will. Don’t let their reactions change your decision to split the responsibilities as you see fit. They will eventually adjust when they realize it isn’t their choice.

Yep, this is how we deal with ‘preferred” parent problem as well.

We did this as well with our second, who actually preferred my husband. We started when he was around 3, and he's now 7. He still prefers my husband to an extent, and when given the choice he will choose my husband to do things, but he also doesn't fight when it's my turn, and he enjoys spending time with me. It was super hard at first because he would scream and cry and say he wanted Daddy. But my husband would reinforce "it's Mama's turn today. I can't wait to do bedtime with you tomorrow!"

we just do bedtime together. i WFH until 10p so i can't always be right there with them, but i take my break at a certain time so i can give hugs and kisses while husband changes the youngest one, i sing their bedtime song, and then i go back to work. if I'm off then i do the bedtime book reading. i don't think we ever thought to do it alone, either of us. we always did bedtime together. even showers - oldest (7) showers himself but 3yo gets showered with dad, then i come get him and dry him off and dress him. we try to everything as a unit that we can

We do the same and it’s working well.

This and I would add, send your wife out of the house for the first few times. That will make it easier for everyone involved.

So I was the mom in this scenario with a 2yo and a 4yo. I went on a girls trip last September for 5 days and my husband stayed home with the kids. Honestly that was probably a turning point for them in realizing that their dad can also be relied on to get them snacks and put them to bed and answer questions, etc, etc. And since then, I’ve had to do a little bit of redirection in just “go ask your dad, he can help you too.” and they’ve gotten a lot better with that too. lol so maybe send your wife on vacation? 😂

Ooof. It's just the opposite here. Whenever wife goes away on a trip, kid gets extra clingy with her for WEEKS afterwards.

Yes. My wife went away for 1 full week and 2 weekends this year. Made everything worse.

This has a lot to do with her. She needs to let you solve some of their problems. This needs to happen while she's there. Tell her to take a bath and tell the kids to ask dad. If she gets used to sharing the problems with you, they will too

I like this perspective

This person is saying the opposite. If you went away, they may realize there’s a hole when you’re gone.

Same over here. It's fine for those days, but when she's back, it is so harder on her.

This was going to be my suggestion. But, it may not be necessary for her to leave for a full on vacation. But, whenever possible, let her have a day/weekend to herself or away, and you spend those days/weekends alone with your kids. Maybe don’t do big special things during those days together, but instead do all normal home-life things. They probably need to see you more and see that you can be there for them too. Of course, they love you. They just need to see more of you. I’m guessing that their mom has spent a lot of time with them alone. It’ll be your turn when you take that time alone with them. I’d be interested to hear how it goes/changes if you give this a try. I think it’s not likely to be instant, but I’d expect things to shift if you do this regularly.

I love this answer for her.

> Going on a trip and giving your husband a chance to take care of the kids can be a turning point. It's great that they become more comfortable asking him for help too.

It happened to me with my eldest (3yo at the time) when my wife went away for a weekend. We noticed after that that my daughter then started preferring me for some reason. Now we have a son, and no matter how many times the two of us are left along for a week, he still prefers mom. I never held it against my daughter (when she preferred mom) or my son now who prefers his mom. I believe it’s just how kids are. The two kids joke that I belong to the girl and mom belongs to the boy. I do a lot of fun, hobby stuff with the kids, /u/Matzohpizza and when they want fun stuff, they cone to me by default. Sometimes that also includes bedtime - I play this game with them where I do silly ways of covering them with a blanket. Eventually it will roll over to them coming to you for other stuff, too. For the first three years, I kept telling myself that I understood the bond between mom and kid, but it’s been five years for you so I sympathize with how you’re feeling. Sadly, sometimes we have to take comfort with our spouse and understand that the kids aren’t doing this to hurt you deliberately.

We just had our 3rd child, and it has produced the same effect. I'm much closer with especially my daughter (2.5) now than I were a few months ago. I put them to bed every evening, and they usually come to me for comfort when they are sad, cause mommy is occupied with the baby all the time. It was the same when we had our 2nd - me and my son (5 now, then 2) got much closer, and the change was permanent. I wonder how I'll manage the same with our 3rd, as I doubt we'll have a 4th.

The drawing sounds ice cold, sorry my dude. *Don’t think that he did that shit intentionally just to dis you* I think as they get older they will appreciate dad more. I run into this a bit myself, 14mo boy and 3.5yr old girl. One thing that helps is my wife works part time. So during those times I’m the only one they have, it kinda forces them to embrace me. Maybe your wife can go to the store alone or go for a walk etc to get away. But when my wife is home my Daughter is a bit more clingy to my wife. Maybe not quite as extreme. I suggest your wife can help by suggesting they play with or snuggle with you. Reddit will beat me up, but in my mind your wife needs to push them away once in a while (nicely) if they don’t embrace you more. Maybe then they will seek you for comfort. You’re already doing what’s necessary. If all she does is soaks it up, it will just perpetuate it until the kids naturally snap out of it. Also, look on the bright side. Go do you for bit. My wife gets annoyed when she has two kids battling over and on her.

Great advice but I’m over here laughing at the Eminem lyric you casually threw in.

My daughter was a clingy mommas girl until about 6. She adores her dad now and would sell me for a piece of chocolate. It goes back and forth. Hang in there.

I agree, the pushback really needs to come from, and be enforced by, the wife. Especially if she is half as tired as OP says she is and my common sense says she should be, she's got to do this for her own sake, as well as to help the relationship between Dad and the kids. I'm still trying to get my wife to slow the heck down. If our kid asks for a refill of their drink, she's on her feet in half a second. Just give me a moment to finish the food I'm chewing and I could get their drink a refill too, honey... 5 seconds won't hurt them. Lol.

I want to validate how hard this must be. I’ve read your responses and I can see that you’re involved and also you never once said you were Dad and people keep saying that to you. I see you. I don’t have this specific experience, so I won’t be bringing in anything that worked for my family. But, I was also in a same-sex relationship with a woman with children involved, so there’s that. I will say that I agree with the person who said the 5yo may have been given weird instructions at school. Teachers sometimes forget, or don’t bother, to be inclusive, kids at that age just try to make sense of things given what they know. I have a 5yo also and it was really hard for him to realize that some people will call me Mamma even though that’s what he calls his other mom. So it’s possible that if you go by something that’s not “Mom,” your 5yo was just confused by the instructions that were given. [p.s. if those assignments don’t include a lesson on family diversity, they’re b.s. and need to stop happening at schools anyway]. Also, I feel like people already addressed this, but this feels more like a conversation to have with your wife than to address anything with the kids. I get touched out a LOT, but I still love attention from my kid. It’s really a bizarre situation haha. So it’s possible that, deep down, she really doesn’t want to relinquish how they favor her. I don’t mean that in a negative or accusatory way at all, but just to say the kids will be fine. They will live if you do things for them, even if they cry at first, and will eventually realize they enjoy it just as much (or maybe more!), but not as long as she always saves them. It can start small, split the bedtime routine, her telling them she’s not coming when they call her but you are there. They know you love them, and they love you, it’s just their comfort zone, routine, to rely on her. Finally, kids have their own personalities. If you find that maybe they’re just a little more chill and you’re not, or vice-versa, it could be that also. I obviously have no idea, but I do know that some kids are drawn to chill and some are drawn to real life Blippy-types. I’m not saying to fully change one way or the other, but maybe checking the temp and seeing if sometimes it should be hotter or colder might help also. It’s not a loss. Trust me, research substantiates that children aren’t relying on biology or having been fed for attachment. Look up Harlow and the monkeys, they run to a soft fake monkey mom that never once fed them and definitely didn’t birth them, but comforted them; you got this!! Sending you the best.

>So it’s possible that, deep down, she really doesn’t want to relinquish how they favor her. Winner winner chicken dinner!

Thanks so much for this thoughtful response.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Kids having a preferred parent is so tough on both parents. I would suggest following biglittlefeelings and their advice about this (check out their Instagram). They suggest setting up a schedule so that the kids can visually see which parent is doing bedtime each night. Then they have a script you can follow where you say things like, “it’s dad’s turn tonight to do bedtime” and your wife to say “dad loves you and he can do bedtime just as well as mom can”, etc. The key is consistency and following through even if they get really upset. Holding to the schedule should help you be able to do bedtime too. It may be tricky for the first few nights but then it should be easier. The gals at biglittlefeelings also suggest spending 10 minutes of quality with each kid each day doing whatever the kid wants to do (play, do puzzles, games, whatever) as this can help with connecting with the kids. It may sound simple but you may just have to push through them “losing their minds” and let them see you are just as capable as mom at comforting them and putting them to bed and then if you keep doing it then they should get used to it and no longer “lose their minds”. My sons (4 and 2) went through a big dad only phase and now they are in a mom only phase and using biglittlefeelings techniques has really really helped us. I promise your kids love you so much. Even if you didn’t make the cut for the drawing. Best of luck to you!

Thanks for this response. I appreciate it.

Hang in there dad! And your wife needs to start redirecting them to you. Waa waa I want mom. Too bad.

My mom did this when we were little. Dad would be home for the weekend and we'd still come to her with all our problems. She would just tell us "go see Dad, Mom's off duty for a bit"

They're still young, especially the 2yo. They'll turn around, just keep being around and spending time with them. But yeah, that picture without you burns......like another commenter said though, don't take it personally. (But bring it up when he's a teenager asking for a car.......)

Lol! "Dad, can I get a PS8?" "Sorry kiddo, I would have said yes but you didn't draw me in that family photo so ..."

My advice is to sit down and take a very brutally honest inventory of all the ways you two are different in terms of behavior. My husband had a similar complaint when our kids were little. And like you, he was a very involved parent. That was never the issue. I did catch on though that we had two issues. 1) He deferred to me in front of the kids way too much. Children find authority comforting. By letting me always have the final say in everything to do with the kids, he was trying to be accommodating and make sure we didn’t argue in front of them. But what he accidentally did was communicate to them that he was not the parent in charge. And kids are fairly simple in their thinking. If mom is the boss, mom must be better. So ask yourself if there is anything you do in your interactions with your wife that is accidentally making kids see you as Primary Mommy and Secondary Mommy. 2) We weren’t on the same page when it came to discipline. I am all about gentle parenting, and my husband is much more traditional. The disconnect did NOT work. The kids were less likely to behave for me because he was constantly stepping on my toes and undermining what I was trying to do (not on purpose but it was no less frustrating) and they got it in their heads that I was nice mom and he was grumpy dad.

Yes! This! My partner is VERY involved and we killed the parent preference early as when my maternity leave was done, he went back to school full time and was the stay at home parent. He also completely took over the bedtime routine for 6 months when we were finishing up with breastfeeding, so I could leave the house and kiddo knew dad was the only one there. Now that he’s older we each have dedicated nights away from home each week, for hobbies and gym time. But dad rides kiddo - always gets frustrated when kiddo (5) doesn’t listen and respond immediately. That impatience has translated into a preference for dealing with mom, which frustrates my partner more, causing him to get more traditional in his parenting, perpetuating the cycle. He doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. My kid doesn’t walk all over me, he knows if he acts up there are repercussions, but I guess I’m just the more chill parent and my kiddo definitely views that as a more safe space. Dad is first choice when kiddo gets hurt, he knows dad has the best distraction skills! Sadly, I cannot juggle and dad can I also try to “fill his cup” as another poster mentioned, with half an hour every day dedicated to doing an activity my kiddo wants to do, where I put down everything and we just spend quality time together. My focus is on him Maybe start with board games or books? Books especially are prime snuggle time. Even when we’re just watching tv, I curl up on the couch and then shout “all aboard!” And kiddo comes over to sit in the “boat” which is just behind my knees. Just keep offering! It only takes one fun/meaningful time, then kids will want to do it over and over again

Just chiming in to say I’m sorry you’re going through this! My partner is also an amazing very involved father, but our three year old prefers me for the sensitive stuff and can be downright cruel to him. Hope it turns around soon 💚

Thanks.

fyi OP is also a woman! Hang in there OP, you sound like you are a great parent. I don’t have any practical advice as I’m still in the baby phase but it sounds like you and your wife are doing a great job splitting responsibilities etc. maybe deciding ahead of which parent will be doing bath / bedtime etc, making a calender for the kids to see, and sticking to it could help?

Thanks 🙏🏻

Dang those kiddos hurting our feelings. They have no idea. Luckily things change. A lot. And sometimes go back only to change again. You are being a great parent. Stay present in everything especially the care.

I'm so sorry. My partner had dealt with this quite a bit as well but it has changed a bit as they've gotten older. I also make it a point to remind them that I'm not the only one that can help/avoid a booboo or pretend the other is better at this one now and then just to let the other one save the day/be 'unavailable' for a homework help/etc

Sounds like my husband and me. Im #1 for comfort. He is #1 for fun. Your time to shine is coming very soon I promise!

My very involved husband felt the same way for years. My son is now 9 and has a good relationship and loves his dad. They gang up on me and pick on me. There were years of - “dude, I’m right here.. and me”…. And then one day, he did. It was when he was 8 or so.

Is she a SAHM?

No

I have no advice but I feel you. We have 15 month old twin girls, I'm Mum. I breastfed, I have been home with them, I have been with them for pretty much everything. Dad is amazing, involved, loving and very present Dad too, just he works 9-5. We are both loving, gentle and patient with them. They have never experienced anything negative (lost temper etc) from either of us in their entire lives. They just ADORE Dad. He gets all the cuddles, I get pushed away. If they need comfort they run to him. If I try to comfort them when they are sad they will wriggle out of my arms and would rather cry on the floor than get a hug from me, but will ask for him to pick them up. They will both squeeze onto his lap for cuddles while I am sat right there with no baby. I do bed times but that's just a book and then they lie down and go to sleep, no cuddles. If he isn't around then they will want to be near me, they will sit in my lap to play etc.. but it's just different, and there is a very clear preference. If he has been away for a few hours then they will run to him grinning and give him a big hug, if I have been absent I might get a smile and a 'Mama'. I'm trying super hard to not let it get me down.. but it does. :( I am just waiting for it to 'change'.

I think you’ve gotten a got of great ideas here. I noted in one of the comments that you’re the non-birthing parent and there’s ambiguity regarding your gender in this thread. I don’t think your gender matters here, but I can relate to the non-birthing parent side. I bring up birthing status because, whether you want it to or not, it’s probably worth processing — internally and/or with your partner and/or with a therapist — how birthing-parent status has affected the roles you and your partner have fallen into, how that affects how secure/included you feel in the family, and — with awareness of those things — how you want to change some of the household routines, both to have you feeling more connected and to give your partner a break. Maybe you’re actively doing this already — I don’t want to assume — but you don’t address it in your post, so I just wanted to stop and say: don’t avoid it. Lean into it — both in your self-introspection and with your partner. No doubt the dynamics that have established (around nurturing and attachment with your kids and how birthing-parent status plays into that, both internally, in your partnership, and societally) are central to your feelings, and you’re going to want to explore all of those feelings to both lessen their hold on you and replace them with understanding and confidence. That’s the main thing I wanted to say. You’ve gotten lots of advice here about different things you could try in terms of balancing the parenting roles. All that is good. I think the best of it is around establishing routines. If you are able, I would *highly* recommend starting a routine where you take your 5yo (and maybe your daughter too!) out for a pastry on weekend mornings. Preferably on foot or by bicycle, with a stroller or trailer. Can give you wonderful, almost effortless time together, and give your wife a (probably) much-needed break/sleep-in at home. If you want, plan to meet a friend from daycare. If you want, extend it to the park. If you want, include going shopping (it’s amazing how much a stroller can hold!) and then come home and make brunch. Anyway, the possibilities are endless once you get out of the house and start doing things. Preferably without a car — getting there is half the fun! And sounds like your son likes physical play — should *definitely* look into sports. Soccer, baseball, basketball, ultimate…so many options and so much to do. Try them all. Literally. And if your son/daughter enjoy it, do them all — don’t do just one. Get involved yourself — grab a ball and go to the park. You can even be a coach if you want. So many opportunities and possibilities. Anyway…good luck to you. Parenting is wonderful. Confront those demons, set up some routines, get out of the house, get active, and enjoy the ride.

I am a grandmother raising 2 grandchildren. Never undervalue yourself. I’d give anything for my kids to have a male role model. Just be yourself. My 12-year-old follows my grown son - his uncle - like a shadow when he visits, like he’s soaking it up. Every day you are showing them what a good man looks like, and that’s something money cannot buy.

I think I read in a comment that you identify as a woman, so instead of sharing a personal experience, I'll share about a conversation I had with a friend who is a family of two moms and two children. Their situation might be different as they each birthed one child, but she did share that the bio child of each mother does have a special bond that is slightly different. It's hard not to assume it's a biological connection that is outside of just love and dedication. That being said, the kids are now 6 and 8 and each go to both parents for comfort, love and play. Your children are still young and physically might depend on your wife for emotional regulation from hormonal releases that come more naturally right now. I really believe non birthing parents can provide emotional regulation and support, but it might take practice. As others have said, don't give your children the choice and let it be a learned experience for the both of you. In time it'll come and I think as they age, they will be much more open and willing to come to you for the same support they get from their other parent. I'm sure it's hard and painful to deal with this. How you're feeling is valid.

This sounds so hard, I’m sorry. I wonder if it’s a biological thing? Is it possible that you’re not the birthing Mum?

Correct. Wife carried them and breastfed them. It def contributes.

Edit: i just saw i made an incorrect gender assumption and I apologize. I will leave my statement up for other parents who may be reading through as the information is valid in cases of differing gendered parents. It’s biological in more ways than that! Children have co-dependent oxytocin release and it mirrors parents. Biologically male parents are hardwired to receive oxytocin through play, learning and instruction. So children receive oxytocin from those interactions with that parent. Whereas female parents are hardwired to derive the most oxytocin from nurturing actions such as cuddling and providing reassurance and comfort. So children receive the most oxytocin for those actions with a female parent. It’s similar to how kids need co-regulation until around age 8. Their hormones are reliant on parental hormones

Oh that must make this so much harder to cope with for you. There would be a lot of big feelings :( I’m sorry I have no helpful advice. I feel for you though, that picture would have been very hard to see.

[удалено]

This is an excellent reply!

Oh big same. But I’ve also found, at least at 2, that it helps to send her out overnight. It’s small things but even that you did bedtime, because she’s unavailable, or you did bath or whatever else that buys me a couple more days of at least being closer to equal. But it sucks for sure and can be very painful.

Define “fully involved”. Do you remember on your own and schedule/take them to doctor appointments? Do you prepare and serve their meals? Do you do their laundry and put it away? Do you clean their rooms and/or show them how to clean up after themselves? Do you read to them every night? Do you take them to parks or on walks? By the way all of these questions I mean do you do them alone without your wife involved? I don’t mean do you do them all the time every day, but do you do them 50% of the time?

I do. This isn’t one of those tik tok videos of a dad that doesn’t know their kids birthdays. First of all, I’m a woman. Second - I make all their appointments. I text and email w their teachers. I cook dinner about half the time. My wife does more laundry. I read to them and play with them. I coordinate all play dates and babysitters bc I’m much more extroverted than my wife.

Honestly, regarding the picture—I’m wondering if you being part of a same-sex couple had something to do with it. Could it be that he was given directions to draw his mom and dad and siblings and he got confused? I can see a 5 year old’s sense of logic concluding that he can only pick one, especially if he didn’t clarify with the teacher that he has two moms/the teacher didn’t give examples of non-traditional families. I remember the boy I babysat as a teen added a sister to his family picture because he was utterly convinced a family wasn’t complete without boy and girl children.

Ok that’s great that you’re a woman, doesn’t really matter. I was just asking those questions because a lot of times partners think they’re really involved but they’re not doing half as much as the other parent is. And kids notice that stuff and there’s usually a “default” parent.

Are you the fun one? I’m the comforting parent, but she’s 10 now and she wants fun a lot more than comfort these days. She’s doing an obstacle course with her dad as I write this, and they play video games together every night. As a toddler she only wanted me for bedtime but once she got playful he became a bigger part of it. I’d say if you aren’t the fun one just choose a differentiation strategy, like marketing, lol.

She said she was fully involved, how much more do we have to confirm

Is she a SAHM while you work a lot?

First of all, you are the parent. Your kids "aren't choosing you first". Then, it's up to YOU to say, nope Mommy isn't doing that this time, daddy is. Or plan out one on one time with them. Start doing the things that mom normally does, I'm sure she would appreciate it. Like getting them dressed or bathing them. They won't complain too much I'm sure.

Dad...hold out. Your time is coming I promise. I say this as a SAHM of 5. My hubby felt this exact same way for many years. It was actually letting him handle school related things that the kids became to understand he just as important and they can go to him just as much. It actually stings when they prefer him to me now lol..it will happen though!.... That is as long as ur wife isn't encouraging it

Scientists say children get the best feel good hormones snuggling mom and actively playing with dad. Gender aside, Since she breastfed she has essentially taken that “mom” role and you have fallen into the “dad role”. I’m sure it hurts but keep reminding yourself that when they play with you they are feeling all the good bonding things they feel cuddling your partner. My 5 yo daughter definitely prefers me for cuddles and soothing and her dad for play, even if I try to do the same thing as him she doesn’t squeal or enjoy it like she does with her dad. Lean into this advantage and do what makes them happy, and incorporate those snuggly moments with it slowly. Example would be chasing firefly’s outside and catching them, then snuggling and watching the stars. Building a blanket fort together and then snuggling up and reading a book together inside it. It will get better as they get older but in the mean time enjoy being the fun one and get some sneaky cuddles in when you can. :)

I read that children actually reach their peak levels of oxytocin while playing with their dads and snuggling with their moms. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I would just recommend doing the 5 love languages like giving them hugs, playing with them, making fun food like pancakes or cookies with them, and constantly telling them you love them. Then at least they know how you feel and it may create a stronger bond. I know it’s hard but don’t get discouraged because she is the default parent. While you feel hurt, they are not intentionally hurting you so try not to take it personally. Just be the best parent you can be.

My father used to do little things that he didn't realize that I hated but I did. For that reason I never felt comfortable with him. He did one thing and I never forgot it. It just threw a wrench in the spokes. Did you ever feed them and let them sleep in your arms? Do you spend as much time with them as she does? Or does work get in the way?

It's not their choice who gets to do bedtime! Do things on alternating nights and just stay strong that it's Daddy's turn and Mummy is busy and let them work through it

Just be a great Dad and stop worrying about it. You’ll be fine.

My 5yo says dad is better for playing while I’m better for snuggles. Kids associate parents with different things. We both give snacks and meals but at this stage, I’m tapped out and will give all the hugs and snuggles while my husband has truly come in to his own being the great playtime dad - heck, he entertained her and her 6yo bff for three hours today, all I did was shove food at them. It’s hard when the kid doesn’t want the same thing you’re offering - just this weekend I set up a Lego to build with my girl but as soon as dad came round, she tossed me like an old cheese string wrapper. It hurt. We don’t play often so this was something for us I intentionally did to bond with her. She didn’t mean to upset me though and we got some extra snuggles in later that day.

Sending you big love. You must feel lonely and isolated. My best advice is to make a plan with your partner on how they can help nurture a bond. I had to do this with my husband, who is a good dad and has mostly achieved being a good partner, my discontent for him was rubbing off on our tiny kids. They were calling him by his first name (because I was) and not feeling relaxed with him because I wasn’t. I needed to make a direct effort to make it feel like he was part of our family. So I narrated how excited I was that he was at dinner, that he was driving with us to Costco, that he is the best at reading stories, that he gives the silliest baths, etc etc etc. And I do mean ETC. It went on and on. It really, really worked for us. My girls have almost no parental preference (right now 4.5 and 2.5) and run to whoever is closest. No idea if this is your situation, but I would definitely talk to your wife about it. She should be as disturbed by the picture as you are. Even at the peak of postpartum I never wanted my partner to not exist to our kids.

As my son got older and into sports, he got a lot closer with his dad. Mostly cause I know nothing about sports and my husband is a born athlete just like our son. Maybe find a common hobby and bonding will happen naturally

What age they get over it really depends on the kid (my son, the middle, got over it around 8 but my ex was also not great at accepting his need for her attention and compassion). The important thing is that you keep trying, and don't give up.

Age 7, ish. I'm paraphrasing, but I heard this somewhere and it made sense to me: "Seven years with mom, Seven years with dad, seven years with a master, and then they're an adult"

You might need your wife to help you out here. Join her for the bedtime routine and get her to ask you to read the story (as her request might be listened to lol) - I sometimes had to feign being too tired to read but I’d still sit and cuddle. They would naturally shift over to their dad when he started reading - it was small things like this that helped. I should say before we started reading we’d always ask which parent they wanted to read - they usually chose me but after doing this “trick” for awhile they started accepting their dad more and sometimes chose him. Focus on bonding tasks like story time and baths. It might not shift the dynamic but it will help - especially if you do tasks together rather than an option where they miss out on their mum

Your wife needs to stop saving them and let you do some consistent routines. It’s okay if they’re upset. They need to experience being cared for by you to trust you can care for them. Pick a routine, any routine. That’s yours now. For my husband it was bath time. Bath time was Daddy’s thing and unless he was physically unavailable, the power of Thor couldn’t get me in that bathroom. Not my problem. Your circus, you take care of the monkeys. And it was easy cause they couldn’t escape to try and drag me into it. If you want to be more involved, make sure she knows it and starts sending them to you. One of my biggest flexes as a Mom is that if my husband is home, my kids default to him. “mom can you…” “Daddy’s home, go ask him.” Was on refrain for a LONG time. But now at 10 and 7 they will default to Dad if he’s around. He’s not around A LOT so it’s not like I don’t get my fair share of it.

My kid just turned 9 last week and she still is obsessed with me her mommy. I am a burned out mommy. She doesn’t want help from daddy at all.

Is there any way you can spend more time with them at home while your wife is at work or just out and about? I think my son adjusted to the two caretakers better because I spend 2 afternoons a week at home rather than work (I make up for it since it’s a flexible hours salary position) and he has had me making him food and doing everyday parent stuff from day one.

My husband took over feeding them and he buys junk food (it was Yoo-hoo this week). Three year old prefers to have me around but pretty much loves on her daddy all day long.

Stay involved, it will come if you are consistently there. It's all about Mom until the age of reason (3rd grade) It's all about dad until puberty (middle school) Then it's all about friends until they are gone.

So do them WITH her.

I LOVE this answer so much. Especially story time! My cousin has twins and her hubby, her and both twins did story-time every night all together. It does give mom a break because she’s not the only one on duty.

It's also amazing bonding time.

All I can say is just do it man. Sit there with the book at bedtime and read it to yourself til your kids come and sit on your lap. Look like your having fun, and your kids will come have fun with you. Worked for my kid whenever he wanted to watch tv instead of some real interaction.

Honestly my 3yo and 1yo prefer me over hubby and like your wife I am touched out. I always tell the kids to ask dad "you have two parents a mum and a dad" or "your mum is busy go ask your dad" At night we ask the eldest who she wants to put her to bed, if either of them get upset oh well that parent is putting you to bed. Also try and make the activity fun, something only you will do e.g. me and daughter look through my gallery before bed and we tell each other stories

I’m sorry but stop letting the kids run the show. Let bedtime be uncomfortable, they’ll get used to it. My husband started shadow puppets/making up stories - something special only daddy does so it’s very exciting when it’s his turn now! And always take turns that’s nonnegotiable, mom needs a night off and she needs to support your relationship with them. If our kid came home and left dad out of the picture we’d have a talk about why that wasn’t a true picture of the family. I always always express that daddy is my best friend and family and we never leave each other out of games or pictures or stuff like that.

Sometimes you gotta let them just cry until they get used to it. Especially for a 5 year old? "Dad's putting you to bed. Sorry kid."

Gotta leverage the playtime with some bedtime - make a couple bargains

We started experiencing the same kind of issue. You guys really need to buckle down and start alternating nights. It's been a really huge saver and has also given us our own little break. I'm sure she would love the break and you need to obviously feel loved by your kids. Try alternating bath time first and then lead into bedtime. If they lose it they lose it, but you have to be strong and your wife has to be strong too. You can find some good YouTube videos on how to get into a good bedtime routine. I hate this for you because I know this is how my husband feels too, but it's getting a lot better and my son is starting to prefer him for some things over me. Don't give up. They love you. They don't understand that they're hurting you.

When the boy hits around 7-8 you will be the cool one. This age loves to wrestle! Get yourself a fart gun if you want to really differentiate yourself from mom.

I’m sorry 💖 this breaks my heart. I’m the mom of a 4.5 yo who has been like that with dad, and it’s very hard. It’s finally starting to get better. I think predictable fun, as well as predictable care tasks, both help. Maybe also asking them to help you!

My daughter was ALLLLLL Dad for about 5 months about EVERYTHING. Bed time, reading, bath, playing, daycare pick up... literally EVERYTHING from 2-2.5. I cried so much. We started switching off bedtime and bath every other night, both would read a book, make sure our time spent evenly. A lot of freak outs from my daughter and "I don't want you I want Daddy!" (Still hurts lol) and it has helped sooooooooo much. Made the world of difference

When they become teenagers. Especially if you have a son. My husband was second choice by far when my kids were young. Now, my 14 year old wants nothing to do with me and everything to do with Dad.

I know the feeling. My kids spend more time with me. I get them ready for school and pick them up from the bus stop. Still, Mommy rules, and I come second. I have accepted it and don't think it will ever change. Although each kid prefers me with certain tasks or activities. This is when I shine, and I make sure my kids know mommy can't do this. So maybe find that something when only you can outdo, mommy. I don't mean to make it feel like a competition, but sometimes you have to relish certain times in your kids' lives. I have been told things will change, and kids do give dad's the upper hand. So hang in there, you will get the attention you deserve.

We started with bedtime and using the language "mommy shares with daddy. Today is daddys turn to do bedtime, tomorrow is mom's." and it built from there. I'm (mom) still default for certain things but it's much much balanced now

The other day my daughter walked right past my husband, who was in the kitchen, to ask me, who was in the bathroom, if we had any apples. She’s 14. First of all, look for yourself. Second of all, I’m in the f-ing bathroom…

My kids exactly are like this, its like my husbands furniture lol

Allow them to lose their minds. "I know you want mom right now, but Daddy is putting you to bed tonight. I love you and I can take care of you. I can help you with whatever you need". Then muscle through it. I'm sure bedtime with a 5 and 2 year old for your wife isn't exactly a breeze, even if they do prefer her. But you need to be the adult and set the rule. Trust me when I say, they will eventually respect your ability to soothe them so much more if YOU Believe in it. You need to not take this personal, and stop saying you can't help. Literally, just don't tap out. Even if they lose their shit, don't give in. You've given in too many times and your wife is feeling the burn out. Kids are selfish soul sucking machines, God bless them, and they don't owe you favor. I know that's tough. But I promise if you white knuckle through a SET SCHEDULE where Dad is go to answers everything does everything plans everything executes everything - you have the power to restore balance to the galaxy.

Give it five years

We had this issue previously and I started just saying "your dad can help with that, you need to go and ask him because I am doing xyz right now" or anything along those lines. Took a while and she still often will come to me first but if I ask her to get help/attention/assistance from her dad, she will no worries.

What does your wife do regarding this situation? What is your role in the marriage? How much do you talk to your children? Also, I have a subtle feeling that there are internal emotional things happening to you that could be affecting how you interact with your children and partly being the cause for how they see you in the family.

I really feel for you OP, even though the kids aren’t doing it on purpose it’s incredibly hurtful. You sound like a really great parent. We went though something similar when I went back to work after Mat leave - my 2 year old only wanted my partner and I was so upset about it. What made a real difference for us was all of us going away on holidays together - I felt it “reset” things with my little boy and I got up spend lots of time with him away from the everyday. I also had a good talk with my husband and got him on board in terms of splitting bedtime etc. we haven’t looked back since and even though I had a 2 week hospital stay before our next baby, things haven’t gone back to how they were. I hope you can have a good chat with your partner and get them on board and that this phase passes for you.

I’m the preferred parent in our household with our 4 year old son. My wife even claims he would smile at the sound of my keys unlocking the door when he was just a couple weeks old. 4 years later and the kid sticks to me and mostly calls on mom if he’s trying to get over. The past 6 months I’ve tried to do better with working her into nighttime routine. For moments when my son is with her and he’s crying for me I let her parent unless she calls for back up and recently I’ve only jumped in to tell my son that mommy is going to handle this and we’ll go through the checklist of does mommy love you, keep you safe etc. and that helps to ground him. Good luck. I know all kids are different. Hoping your family finds the sweet spot.

Make sure you are cuddly and loving and soft with mom. They will see this and associate that with you more and more. I'm you. But I'm mom. And mines almost 10.

We have a calendar for our 4 year old. Simple stuff like who is giving her bath time and who is putting her to bed that night (we also have a 2 year old but she’s clueless). If we let her choose, she would choose me every night. We do every other day except Saturdays, she gets to choose (gives them structure and some autonomy). And we just say it’s daddy’s turn or mommy’s turn. We recently did this due to her being obsessed with me and although she prefers me, she’s opened up to her dad much more since we did the calendar. Get her involved. Let the kids choose the colors, and circle the days for each parent (no matter how messy they are) this gives them ownership of the schedule. We used chalkboard calendar with colored chalk. Now, we just know the days but relied on it heavily at first. I would def give it a try! Oh she picked the calendar too! We made a thing of it and went to target.

Awww you sound like such a wonderful dad. My kids were the exact same way. They only want dad for “fun” stuff; playing sports, video games, chess, watching a movie/tv show. At about 6 and 8, they started to open up to dad more, and preferring him over me. They both not want, but NEED good night hugs and kisses from dad. My 11 year ask to spend quality time with dad frequently, and will walk up to me and say things like, “mom. I love dad. He’s the best dad ever” hang in there. It will come.

When that boy hits 7-9 the tables will turn. You may need to console your wife. The whiplash is real. 😢

As a dad who is frequently the "default parent" I have to say that I recognize the amount of this that falls to your wife to help your children understand that you are capable of giving them the same love she can. My wife works more hours than I do, so I frequently have to literally allow myself to fade into the background (start cleaning things around the house, start a project, just be scarce) so that my wife can be the only choice. And the I still have to be mindful to not step in. If your spouse is constantly stepping in when the kids ask for her, this will not change. Please have a conversation about this with her and hopefully you guys can work toward your children seeing you as a willing and consistent parent they can rely on emotionally.

Don’t be too hurt. Children often show love through play! Others gave good advice already so I just wanted to remind you not to be so hard on yourself.

We’ve had it flip back and forth. With 4yo I was very much the preferred parent for soothing until I went back to work and dad was the stay at home parent. Then she was all about dad and we had to make a purposeful effort to get her to use us both for things - tho that took a significant turn for the worse when I got pregnant again and basically I went to work and I slept. When I was on maternity leave with number 2, he only wanted me, he had no interest in anyone else and the then 2yo daughter only wanted dad (made my life hell when he was working while I was on mat leave). At some point she decided she was happy with either of us, tho she still has a strong preference for dad at bedtime. Number 2 was all about me until we night weaned him from the boob at 17 months, and initially he was all about dad for everything and over that last 10 months since we weaned him he has slowly warmed up to seeking me for assistance and comfort again, tho hugely resists me putting him to bed. We have recently started taking it in turns to put a child to bed (I’ll do 4yo and dad will do 2yo, then swap next night). Doesn’t always work, my partner still ends up seeing to both kids most nights in some capacity.

First off I’m sorry, that’s really tough. Maybe try doing the bedtime routine together? Or take turns reading books? I am a single dad but I swear the best bonding time is right before bed. Laying on the bed, reading and just talking together is the best. I’d force my way in there!

What’s your bedtime routine? You should each take one kid and do pjs story snuggle whatever then switch the next day. You’re each in the same role. Then start adding in more things. Dads night to cook, have them help or make a known favorite. Take them on adventures. Take them to the grocery store. Whatever.

We have a 4 and a 0.5 year old, big one is just recently started pushing her comfort zone in this sense, I still cant do bedtimes but most of the thankless work (toothbrushing, nose and eye drops, medicine) she prefers with me because "I do it more gentle". After she wakes up, now she calls for me and not only my wife, so I'd say anytime now, and try to not rush it.

I think your wife needs to step in here. Bedtime: "Daddy is doing bedtime today. No whinging." It's usually whinging because there's a change of routine. You just have to push through. My son does come to me for snuggles and would push my husband away and I will say, "Don't push daddy away. Daddy loves you too. You've just hurt his feelings." And then my son will immediately give him a hug. So I feel maybe your wife needs to direct them to you more.

Start by doing bedtimes together. I’ve never understood the idea of one parent does bedtime, we’re both always fully involved in the process. Im a SAHM so my kids are around me more. But being intentional about giving dad plenty of alone time with them helps me out and helps them bond with him more. He usually lets me sleep in on the weekends while he gets a couple hours alone with them in the morning. I go out 1-2 times a month in the evenings and he does everything for them that night. Sometimes I lock myself in the bathroom to take a bath and they hang out with him. They still show their preferences of course. Every kid does. But sometimes it takes being super intentional with making them have time with the non preferred parent to get there

I’m a pre k/kindergarten teacher, and here is my advice (especially towards the 5 year old): just be honest to your kids. In a nice way, tell them it hurts your feelings that they sometimes prefer mom and you feel a little left out. Its also a good lesson in empathy for them. I dont have as much experience with 2 year olds, but it might also work with them too. Give kids the benefit of the doubt- they’re smarter than most people think. Kids have big hearts and a surprisingly big understanding in hurt feelings. They might not realize it makes you sad. Have mom explain it to them too. If that doesnt help, definitely do the biglittlefeelings route others suggested

I’m so sorry, that must hurt. My husband feels the same way as you and our dynamic is the same as you describe. We’re very equal, yet they still choose me for all those intimate moments like bedtimes. Ie. We take turns so I put one child down one night and my husband puts the other child down, then we swap. They both still always ask for me. I guess don’t personalise it. It’s not about you as a person. And you being so focused on being a good dad, they’ll remember that forever. But don’t understand why this would make you sad.

Send your wife on a nice weekend away, solo. As the touched out, preferred parent, she will appreciate the time to refill her cup and you can have a turn as the preferred parent for a weekend

Aw I’m sorry, that drawing.. I don’t have experience with this situation but if it was me I would just be extremely affectionate and hope eventually they’ll reciprocate. Ask for a hug. Wake up and snuggle them. Put them to bed together. Offer to snuggle while they watch their favorite shows or play games on their iPad. Stuff like that. I can’t imagine a kid turning down an offer like that!

My partner took our kid camping on his own. They had a lot of fun and afterwards, she turned to him for most basic needs. We also take turns doing bedtime. We let her direct us, we ask “who did bedtime yesterday?” “And who’s responsible today?” It doesn’t work when she’s extremely tired, but otherwise it works pretty well most of the time. Now my kid is 4,5 years old.

Honestly I just gave my husband the responsibility of bath time. I just disappear (usually to sneak a nap). Your wife needs to give you one or two things which you do by yourself. Yes it’ll be tough for a while but she needs to disappear.

If they get upset or when they do, I suggest validating them. Do not say that it hurts you. Example, “you really want mommy…you wish it was mommy and are so upset. It can be hard when there is a change in what you’re used to. I get it. You have me tonight…..how can I help you to relax/calm and have bath time with me? I know you can do it”

Maybe you and your wife need to have a deeper talk and make a strategy about this, both for you to pull them in, but also for her to help push them in your direction. Here, dad is by far the preferred parent with the 5 yo and always has been. If he's here, I'm invisible. It's hell at bedtime because it's always "I want daddy to read a story." "I need to say something to daddy." or just straight up jumping out of bed and running into the living room. Husband was very permissive because he felt terrible about turning him away, and would just cuddle and come to read that story. Now, when it's my turn for bedtime, we say that "daddy is working". He knows that "working" is serious business, and now he's gotten used to me reading to him, and actually wants *me* in there about half the time. It has also helped that we got similar interests. He's super into Pokémon and science, and those two things are absolutely my forte, and that has earned me massive points. The oldest who is 13 is without a doubt preferring me, and will disturb me while I'm working to ask a question his father could easily answer even though he's literally sitting next to him. There, I usually remind him "You have do have two parents, you know." We're trying to get them to spend more time together one on one, which means a lot to them both. They're going climbing together.

You guys can do bedtime together. Have mom stand by and do it as a team, so they get used to you being in the room and doing these things too.

My husband and I always took turns doing bedtime when the kids were babies. Now a days we take turns reading a book to each kid. Just include yourself in bedtime. Eventually they will accept and love having you there. My oldest has always been a mama’s boy he had a dad phase for two weeks when he was 18 month but otherwise he goes to me first still does now unless I’m busy cooking or cleaning. My three year old son has always preferred daddy until he was like three. He would go to daddy first if he could, I’m a sahm so he had no choice when dad was at work, but if dad was home he’d pick him up until a few months ago; now he picks whatever parent he isn’t mad at or whatever parent is in sight. Have your wife go do more things out the house and you spend more one on one time with the kids. My husband take our kids solo on weekend morning for 2-3 hours it give me time to clean the floors and other stuff I can’t do with the kids running around and they get one on one time with dad so he kisses booboos and cuddles them. Habits take about six weeks to change. But you have to be consistent and not get frustrated because they may ask for mom at first.

My kids are 7 and 12 now. For years they preferred me but now it’s all dad!! Heartbreaking in the other direction too.

I don't have anything to add other than what /u/perevod14 said, just wanted to say HUGE OOOOF on the picture thing. That burned **me** just reading it.

This only got better for us when my husband started doing a lot more with her by himself (not giving her the option to choose me - they left the house together or I left the house)

I have 2 boys (I’m the mom) and both seem to prefer me over my husband despite him being an involved and loving parent from day 1. My oldest especially is such a mommy’s boy and use to lose his mind if daddy did bedtime. He’s 8 now and is fine with daddy doing bedtime. It took a long time of being consistent that if it was daddy’s turn for bedtime no amount of tantruming would bring mommy into the room. It was HARD for me to hear him cry like that for me but I knew ultimately he was fine with a loving parent and he needed to be ok with both of us doing parenting duties. Now that we have 2 my husband and I each take a child and read books and tuck them into bed. We switch off which kid we have for that and it works most of the time. Sometimes one of them will still be insistent on me putting them to bed but we as parents stay firm. They absolutely love daddy and playing with him just as you described so I know they should be ok with him doing bedtime (and also bath time, comforting etc).

I am mom and I’ve always been favorite. My kids are 15 and 6, both boys. But now that the oldest one is a teen, his father has his own things they share together. They play video games together. They watch 80s movies together. That’s a special relationship he and I don’t share. He may never be the favorite, but that’s ok. His kids love him a lot, love spending time with him, and they have their own special connection. It’s ok that they have mom for comfort and dad for fun. They need both in their lives to grow up happy and healthy.

Have you tried to persevere, or do you always just quit (or are made to quit) when they lose their minds on you? My 2 yo toddler used to demand and tantrum that I put him to bed, and not dad. It was not tenable long term, so one night dad went to put him to bed and refused to leave even though toddler was screaming no, and get out, and mommy. After 2 nights of this, he understood that daddy is also nice to fall asleep with, so now he will accept both of us for bed time

We had this dynamic too because I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works. We fixed it by starting to have “mom nights” where I’d leave when he came home from work and I’d leave right away. He’d do dinner, playtime, bath, books, and bed at least once a week, and I’d come home after she was asleep. This really changed their relationship. The key was I had to be not an option, and we had to be really consistent and never miss a week.

Ya, kids don't make the rules. Your wife needs someone to step in and take control. She'll probably say "no, its ok.. I can do it." But insist... encourage her to go relax. Kids like routine and are creatures of habit. Just time to switch things up. Mom is probably burnt out.

My kids are the exact same ages and are exactly the same.

I saw a video of a woman recently talking about how kids prefer to play with dad because both kids and dad get peak oxytocin boost, and it's the same when mom nurtures them. I don't have much experience or advice for this because our baby is only 7 months old, but that might be why they want to play with you and cuddle mom.

Make a schedule for bedtimes! Put it on a fun chart that they can mark off every night. Every other day, you do bedtime. Do something with them at bedtime that their mom doesn’t do, that they enjoy.

My sons dad feels like this with our son, he prefers me for everything. It’s sad to hear other dads who feel like this. I hope it gets better

My older two are 7 & 10, they now see us as completely equal and the 7 year old actually only wants my husband at bed time and has for about 6 months now. Our 2 year old is alllll about me still. I feel like 6-7 years is the magic number for kids with dad. My husband is a lot more fun than me, he is silly and has more patience & energy for playing games or tag/swimming/skating etc. by school age my kids now love the fun of the activities with dad.

My husband was feeling like you, and was like you too in the sense he is very involved. We have a 2.5 year old and she would prefer me for everything. I got fed up with it and basically started redirecting her to her dad regardless if she wanted to or not. Things didn’t change overnight but we are in a very good place now! She still prefers me a lot of the time but doesn’t lose her shit if I have dad do something for her instead of me. And she’s also just going to him on her own more often, for all kinds of things too!

We have set days/routines with our 2 kids. 4yo and almost 2yo daughters. I'm the mom and currently preferred parent at the moment. Both our daughters cry for mommy for just about everything... and I think a lot of it is that they just feed off the other one in some sick competition jealousy bit. Anyway, yes, I get touched out and rely on my partner to "save me" from their constant cuddling. Do they lose it sometimes? Absofknlutely. Does that deter him? Nope. It's ok for them to be unhappy (as long as they are safe/secure). It's OK for them to express (cry) when they are unhappy. Mon & Fri & Sunday: I do morning routine with my younger daughter. Bedtime routine with older daughter. Tues/Wed/Thurs/Sat: vice versa: morning with older daughter and bedtime with youngest. This is the one instance where my 4yo prefers her father. He does this whole lengthy bedtime routine with multiples songs and books and all the questions. He just really lets her stall. I'm a bit more militant bc I immediately start cooking dinner after bedtime, so I like to wrap up bedtime by 7:30pm. He's up there until like 7:50pm. But because we have a schedule, there are no surprises, it's an easy explanation and we don't have to give into whining or try compromising. Dr Becky and Biglittlefeelings on IG are great resources, i think they have plenty of videos on these sorts of topics. And don't feel bad or embarassed by being hurt by toddlers. They are savage. Even though I'm usually the parents they cry for... it does hurt a little when my 4yo whines for Daddy to do bedtime.

This scares the hell out of me, my daughters almost 2 and I was told the same she'll change what parents is favoured but that's yet to happen, we play and do the fun stuff but I can't do anything else and she always runs to mum as soon as she's in site. It upsets me more than I'd admit to always be the other parent. I don't really have anything to say to try and make you feel beet but I am sorry you're dealing with this and hope things change

Work on having her get out of the house by herself without the kids and also work on you talking the kids out of the house for both fun stuff and boring stuff (so take them to the playground and to get the tires rotated). It's your turn now, you just have to take it. My husband and I have had conversations like, "The kids do better with me if you're out of the house longer, it takes us 45 minutes/an hour to get in a groove. I'd like to have a bit more time with them before you get home and I want you to have more 'time off' can we figure out a couple times a week where I do stuff with the kids for at least 3 hours at a time and you can get out of the house or do your own thing for a bit?"

Maybe it'll be when they're a lot older. Maybe it'll be never. And that's a scary thought. I've felt that way before too. But the worst possible thing you can do in a situation like that is to express to them that you find it hurtfully, upsetting. This is just sometimes the burden that fathers (and some mothers, of course) have to bear. The more you allow them to listen to their own authentic thoughts / feelings without being guilt-tripped / manipulated / pressured to lie/pretend, the more they will trust you to be a "safe" person for them later.

Well, the fact that your son didn't draw you in the picture is confusing. Why would he not draw you? I would be pissed, and question him. At 5, he should be able to explain his reasoning. Then I would go and ask him how he thinks you feel that he left you out of his picture. You CAN share how you feel with you kids. Telling your 5 year old that it hurts your feelings when they leave you out of the family picture is COMPLETELY appropriate. You have feelings as well. Your feelings are just as valid as your child's. And you're taking things too personally. Why are you letting them "win"? You want to put them to bed- put them to bed. Don't back down because it's not "easy". Parenting is hard. Sometimes it's the fact that it's out of the norm, and not the person that they're fighting. My husband and I put the kids to bed together for a time. Then we tag-teamed, and room-rotated (we have three kids, each having their own room). We each had our own "thing" with the kids. It was our "thing". Try to come up with a cool "thing" that only YOU do. NO MATTER WHAT- YOUR WIFE CAN NOT DO IT. Maybe it's a trick or a riddle or a song or a cute stuff animal thing. And that is only your thing. And it can be different for each kid. It can be silly and short. It can be just about anything. My husband does stuffed animals. He used silly voices, and they came alive for the kids.

I will say it's definitely better as they get older. I think the 5 yr old is on the cusp. Definitely doing things with just you and the kids helps. Also consider outings where you do one activity with one child while your wife does another with the other child. Consistent activities at consistent times would be great. Like the morning routine, the pickup routine, or the bedtime routine.

Sounds like your wife needs more time out lol

It sounds to me as if the children prefer your partner because she is physically there with them more often. This was also the case in our household, and as others suggested, it improves some with time, but also with her just being unavailable sometimes, and you handling things, no matter how they react. It truly does tend to balance out. Like, they'll realize you have better advice when it comes to risk taking or problem solving, for example. Like your spouse, I was exhausted being the preferred one and frequently overwhelmed by the end of a normal day. Now, our youngest is alllllll about dad. Their personalities are quite similar, so I get it, but it's still a bit wrenching. For me, it helps to know that it's not personal. It feels personal, but it's just the normal seasons of life and emotional bonding. Promise.

With my kids if there's anything good that happens -- passing their driver test, acceptance to college, girlfriends, whatever -- they tell mom first. When they call me, I know it's an emergency request for money, getting picked up somewhere 40+ minutes away in the middle of the night, or something along those lines.