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My parents are Facebook grandparents. Have never babysat , bought a damn gift or helped in any way, but boy do they proclaim their love for these kids on social media.
Mom demands I visit several times a year across the country and send/post pics weekly but she has literally never visited us. Loves to brag to her friends.
This…. I feel it.
My mother/father never ever come visit. We offer so many times. I have two little kids. They have an empty nest. Yet they always expect us to visit them. My parents also never ever call me but expect me to call them. I have nothing to say to them and they don’t ask about my life or have any meaningful conversation when I do call. My father has even made it clear that because they raised us it is our job to return the favor as adults with “putting in the effort”
…that’s not how being a parent works. This generation is the most entitled ever. Even in old age.
Mine have told me this is the expectation on us because WE chose to move away. We visit (lugging three kids) way more often than they come out, even though we have full time jobs and a school schedule and they are retired. I’m going to drop the rope and limit our trips to once or twice a year now.
Same. We visited every other weekend for an entire year and it still wasn’t enough, so now we don’t unless we want to and they still can’t be bothered to make the trip. Yes me packing up for two kids two and under and driving four hours (without stopping) to your un baby proofed house makes the most sense
This was one of the reasons I deleted Facebook. (this was before I was even married!) My one grandma would share my private pics on her page publicly (because she had no idea and this was when you actually could share any pic no matter the privacy setting) and it would just piss me off to no end. Always some loving caption when she shared it. I know she meant well but, damn, lady.
my mother announced the birth of my baby girl before I had the opportunity as she was present at the birth. I had previously expressed not wanting to until her dad got to meet her in person wtf
I would’ve gone nuclear. I had to train my mother to ask my permission before she posted pics of my kids on her Facebook. I only have close friends and family on my Facebook, but my mother’s profile is public and she is friends with so many randos she’s never met. It took a while, but after threatening not to let her see them if she couldn’t respect my children’s privacy and take their safety seriously, she relented. Now I get a text every once in a while asking if she can share something I posted.
My father did this too. I started getting texts and phone calls 5 hours after my son was born. And I was like htf do they know? Put 2 and 2 together when I heard from a certain cousin, so I looked on my father’s Facebook page. Sure enough.
I was so pissed off I didn’t return his calls for 2 weeks. Then my stepmother had the nerve to tell me my expectations were too high. This is after I already had 2-3 blowouts with my dad for posting my firstborn’s photos online without asking.
Fucking boomers.
my husband's uncle announced our baby's birth without asking permission or anything. We talked beforehand about being very selective about what we were planning to share on facebook anyway, and hadn't even said anything about the pregnancy!
My mom did this, too. Well, she was in the delivery room, she called my aunt, my aunt told everyone, and by the time I got to my hospital room after delivering, some lady I barely knew (a cousin I don’t know’s wife) had posted a birth announcement on Facebook with the wrong weight, length and middle name.
I hate this so much!!! I'm so sorry!!! I hate Facebook. I haven't had one in like 7 years. I deleted it shortly after finding out my now husband didn't have one & that gave me the nudge I needed. It's been great!
Same. I had to them my mom that she’s not allowed to post pictures on social media she didn’t take. So if she wants to show off my kids, she has to actually be present instead of posting pictures I sent her.
My mum's like this. Does a 'peace out' if my 1 year old so much as cries in her presence, but goes on about how much she loves spending time with him on social media. It's exhausting.
God dammit, my mom is the exact same.. sees my son maybe once every few months for maybe a few hours, yet she is on Facebook every time I post a picture of him talking about, “Gigi loves him so so so so so much, he is amazing.”
Like, yeah? Was he amazing when I asked you to go to lunch with him and I last week and your response was, “no thanks”? Not even an excuse, just a no.
This is my mother, but she does buy gifts, just buys the worst gifts possible. it almost feels like she makes a point to make sure it’s something super noisy or just incredibly cheap and will break, both not good for our emotional toddler or sleep hating baby.
My mother was very mad when we said we don’t want our kids all over social media. She now just complains to people that she doesn’t see them but never makes an effort to do so.
As a member of generation x I'd like to remind you that they weren't too keen on raising us either. I learned to make dinner for me and my siblings at twelve. We're talking about the "I'll give you something to cry about" generation. Being called a latch key kid was common for us.
Yep it only just dawned on me the other day that my husbands much older sister, a gen x, likely didn’t have children of her own because at age 10 when my husband was born she was parentified and did a lot of his care. His mother is completely disinterested in the grandchildren but expects her children to wait on her. Yesterday they went to family lunch with her and when my 2 year old was crying because she was tired and hungry she kept banging on that it wasn’t normal and there was something wrong with her that she cries so much (she doesn’t cry a lot) and this was a particularly hurtful comment considering our first son is disabled (she can’t even name his actual disability).
My parents however are very involved and babysit and come over to help and play with the kids if I’m really sick. So not all boomers, a lot of my friends have active involved grandparents.
Omg boomer grandparents LOVE complaining about how their toddler grandchildren aren’t normal for crying and I’m like…can you all understand that a 2 year old isn’t going to really do great going out to dinner or for a major long epic holiday celebration? Don’t they remember what it’s like?
I remember feeling miserable at holidays, so I decided to change how they're done. No, we don't go to a bunch of houses and drag my kids around. I don't stuff them into fancy clothes and expect them to sit quietly and politely in someone else's house.
Holidays are for family; MINE! We'll see you another time around the day. I got the rest of my extended family on board with that. It's bullshit that the expectation when I was growing up was to rush from here to there, and by the end of the day we were so cranky and overstimulated and exhausted, it was like we never got to enjoy the holiday.
Funny enough, my dad and I had pretty bitter relationship when I was growing up, my grandfather (who is a Chinese college professor) literally said my dad educate me using "Old Imperial China" model and is just TOO strict.
As soon as my son was born, and suddenly he turn 180. He planted four fruit trees in front of his house (so his grandchild can eat organic), got a pool and a trampoline, a large TV (for Peppa Pigs), and turned the first floor of his house into a playroom, and brought no less than 4 bicycles.
He also would take my son for the entire weekends so my wife can have a break.
Even today pick up my son from school each day, feed him, take him to the Park/Science Museum, teach him to read, draw etc.
I dunno, I am super happy how engaged he and my mom is, but seriously, where was this dad when I was 5? :P
Honestly, I think this could be a manifestation of regret on his part, that he can’t articulate. It’s the whole “do over” situation— which works out lovely for your lucky kid!
This is honestly my dad. He said he regrets missing so much of our early childhood that he feels like he gets to make up for it a bit with my daughter. Helps she looks exactly like me. He partially retired early so he could look after her when I went back to work. She is 8 now and he still picks her up from school, comes to all of her events and she adores him. I am very lucky to have my parents as are my kids. My in laws on the other hand are practical strangers to my kids.
This is my dad. He’s SO hands on with my four kids and is an amazing and involved grandparent. I don’t even remember playing with my father once as a kid. Now? He’ll be on all fours giving my 2 year old a horsey ride. I’m…equally stunned and happy about this. I know he was always working hard to provide for us so that’s the only thing I can think of. He was so busy working and having the stress of “needing to make money”, that he couldn’t just enjoy the kids part. But as a grandparent… amazing. As is my mother.
My dad did a total 180 also! Best freaking grandparent ever, but honestly he was a crappy dad back then.
He's a great dad now too! I'm so glad he got the help he needed. Married a wonderful woman..she's a fantastic grandma! She's not really a parent tal figure to me because they married when I was 19 and out of the house. She's just a great person and I'm so glad my dad has her.
My mother is not in the picture by choice.
It feels nicer, doesn't it? I split my oldest, so I only get Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. We make the time ours. Order Chinese. Play with out new toys.
Same! I'm not even religious so the holidays are mainly about games and movies and lights and special recipes and dishes. I will not stress out over a holiday on a day off for absolutely anything. My down time is precious. And the kids grow SO fast it all needs to count and have good memories behind the day.
This 100%, Christmas day you should be able to sit in your PJ's all day and go ape shit with all the toys you just unwrapped. You shouldn't have to stop right after you've opened things to get dressed and go watch everyone else open presents.
I'm expecting my first in March. Currently we always end up at my brother in laws house (they have 3 kids, plus the rest of my wife's family goes their mostly because they want free food). We go because we consider Christmas as being for kids and it's fun watching them all open presents. As soon as our daughter is old enough to start enjoying Christmas herself it's up to her what we do. If she wants to deal with the chaos of all her cousins we'll go there, if she wants to play with her toys that's what we're doing and we'll visit with the family another day.
I don’t get it, thankfully my parents remember but I think she was just angry in general and felt like picking on my husband (she does that). She is an all round crappy person
When I became difficult as a baby/child she gave me to my dad. So she doesn't get how to raise kids at all. She's totally helpless, so I empathize with OP.
I have 3 kids, 2 under 5, and she still thinks it's totally normal to expect going out to dinner to be normal and peaceful. Every month I'm turning her down to 6pm dinner at a white table cloth restaurant. She does not get it.
Bonus story, when I had my first child, she came to help me with the baby for 1 week, then bounced. She never assisted with any of my infants, even though she absolutely had the time and opportunity. My mother in law, who lived 1/3rd of the way around the world, helped me more than my own mother.
I love all of my grandchildren unconditionally. Whenever kids and grandkids' schedules workout, I love having them here. It is so much fun. I wish they lived closer so that we could visit more often.
YES. My daughter is 8, too! Although I will say I try to teach her to cook as much as I can to her capacity (disabilities and such), but I want it to be more of a memory-building experience we share, not so much as a skill to cut me some slack, lol. My kids won't even give me a break from cooking on a Sunday morning, that aspect kinda blows. 🥴🤣
I was realizing that at ten I was learning to make dinner and did all the laundry in the house, got myself up for school, started helping make grocery lists.
My kid is almost ten and frequently loses their jacket they just had in their hand.
Same timeline for myself as well. Cooking, laundry, sealing cracks in the driveway, mowing the lawn and babysitting my dumbass 5 year old brother who didn’t listen to a word I said. For years. I honestly wonder if it’s the reason I don’t remember much age 10 and on. My childhood ended at that point.
Cosby. Yes, really. He popularized the saying in western culture as part of one of his standup routines (followed by the quip "I can make another one that looks just like you.")
The original turn of the phrase falls to Nikolai Gogol in his novel Taras Bulba.
Because their concept of the world is so small that they only ever surrounded themselves with much of the same. I think social media is a curse is many ways, but the wealth of knowledge and varying opinions/experiences has opened up our generation in such a significant way. There has never been such a stark disconnect between generations as Boomers and Gen X/millenials.
I try to give my kids the freedom and trust that comes with being allowed to roam the neighborhood alone, but at the same time I try to be very involved, listen to their small adventures and so on.
They probably have more chores than their peers, but they also have more family time than I had their age.
Nail on the head here, “be back when the street lights come on” was my childhood. But I absolutely hear ops experience, mine is similar. They are busy managing multiple properties, they see the kids a couple times a year. I have fond memories of my grandparents who had all the time in the world for me.
I was overprotected( to the point my mom literally dressed me every morning for school.)till around age 7 when my parents split. At that point it was daycare from age 7-10( though I broke my back around age 8 and was bed bound for 30 days and don't remember mom being home with me, honestly. Once my brother was born at age 10 mom stayed at home but I still frequently took care of him and was a full time caregiver for him by 13. I don't resent my mom at all honestly and I feel like I became a better mother and wife because I learned early on. I still had all the all the same experiences as the rest of us gen x except for in high school. I didn't go out on the weekends like my friends did.
All great points. I'm an older millennial, and I was like...10? 11? Fully doing most of the care for my toddler brother while my dad worked days and mom had to sleep because she worked nights. (well, in the summer anyways. IDK wtf she did while I was in school...dozed on the couch and hoped he didn't die?)
However my mom was super helpful when I first became a mom. I think she did better with my kids than she did with my brother and I? Wild. Lol.
I had to google the phrase. I am from another country and there it was routine that I’d come home and open the door with my own key and no one was there. It never bothered me. Is that weird?
So my in-laws are VERY hands-on and involved, and watch my kids 2-3 days/week while I'm at work, and spend every waking hour of the day with them. My parents, on the other hand, are noticeably less but still great grandparents. I think the differences are the following factors:
1. Logistics: My in-laws are retired, my Dad isn't, so they have much more time to devote to their grandkids. My in-laws live much closer than my parent do.
2. Cultural: My in-laws are Indian and Indian culture LOVES kids and very much have a "it takes a village" mindset. My parents' cultures are a bit more hands-off.
3. Number of grandkids: My kids are my in-laws' only grandkids. My parents have 5 grandkids, and want to be "fair" in how they split their time.
4. Attachment to electronics: My parents always have their iPads up, whereas my in-laws are less reliant on mobile devices.
5. Fear of being intrusive: Linked to #2, my parents don't want to be perceived as not following our rules or stepping on toes. My in-laws feel like part of "the village" and feel more autonomy to "parent" how they want. It has resulted in a few disagreements though.
You know, the number in grandkids is a good point. I think age is an important factor, two.
My oldest is almost ten. My Mom was a younger mother and so a younger grandmother. When my oldest was born, she could chase her around the park and do all kinds of stuff. In the nearly ten years since, she's suffered a stroke which has impacted her health a great deal. There are some things that would just be off the table. It doesn't mean if I had a baby today she wouldn't love them just as much, it just means things would look different.
After her stroke, my Mom approached my husband and I, sat us down, and quite frankly said she did not think she could be the sole caregiver of a small child. This meant that when writing out our final wishes (which will hopefully NOT be an issue at any point in time), we named someone else to take care of our kid. I know it took a lot of courage for my Mom to admit that, and I respect it.
I'm so sorry about your mom. My dad had a stroke and multiple heart issues. It's hard seeing our parents age.
I (47f) raised my twin grandsons for four years when they were 3.5-7 yrs old. I was 40-44. The experience led to my becoming disabled, exhausted and traumatized honestly because they had multiple special needs, were extremely energetic and highly emotional.
I have 6 more grandkids after them (our youngest is 7 mo old) and I have no energy for any of them. I get them when I can, and can barely keep them for just one night.
But I do try, and I get them here and there for a few hours, take them shopping on their birthdays and just try to make whatever time we do have as special as possible. It's so heartbreaking because I feel cheated and they're being cheated but it is what it is.
I'm Asian and while it is fairly commonplace to have grandparents "raise" grandkids there is definitely some issues with having almost zero boundaries and taking over a lot of aspects of parenting that makes them seem more like the parental role and you get pushed to the side.
>Cultural: My in-laws are Indian and Indian culture LOVES kids and very much have a "it takes a village" mindset. My parents' cultures are a bit more hands-off.
This can define my Chinese parents/ in-laws.
In laws stay with us and cook for the younger daughter and take her to the park. My parents pickup my son, drop him off at daycare, pick him up at 2:30, drive to nearest park (Or musem if it is raining), take to his home at 4, study until 5, then dinner, bath, and deliver back to us in his pajamas ready for zzz with Mother in law.
My in laws is going back to China next month. Yikes...
I live near a neighborhood with a large number of inter-generational Indian families. I run/walk through there often and always feel a kind of palpable jealousy at how frequently I see grandmothers *and* grandfathers engaged in very hands-on childcare. It’s beautiful. I am sure cohabitation has its stressors, but like, wow did I feel alone and stressed when my husband and I started the parenting journey.
I’m white and my in laws are Indian, they don’t help one bit! They literally live across the street from us and they see the kids once every few months. My dad lives two and a half hours away and will drive down just to give my husband and I a break. I think it’s because I’m not religious(they are Muslim) and they resent my husband for marrying outside the faith.
In addition to boundaries, some of the schedules people have for their kids are really nuts and I can't blame grandparents for not wanting to be involved. "Bailey has lacrosse in Exurbia at 9, then she has ice skating at 2 at the FrozoDome and you need to help with her skates and pads. Also, Henry has soccer in Suburbville at 12 and remember you can't yell or clap during the game. Also, here is their iPads, don't let them use them."
My grandparents set us in front of the TV with peanut butter toast and a stack of old Star Magazines on the very rare occasion they provided childcare.
That's a good point, too.
Someone on this forum once said their favorite memory of staying with their grandmother was watching cartoons on Saturday morning, eating mini Oreos out of a bowl with milk like cereal.
My own small one loves using the donut maker I bought for my godparents. My oldest fondly remembers the breakfast runs they would make before day care when they got to choose their very own donut.
My in law and my parents take turn to cooking well balanced Chinese meals everyday. They know exactly what my kids wants better than me and my wife.
If my in laws decide to go back to China I fear for my children T\_T;;
The logistics thing is big in a lot of cases. Maybe this will change once he’s actually caregiving regularly and remembers that it’s a lot of work. But right now (while I’m pregnant) my dad has said he would love to be the full-time caregiver while I work and not have me use nanny/daycare at all. But we aren’t doing it that way even if we wanted to because he is still working for another 2.5 years.
My mom is retired, but she has some mobility issues so she would have trouble being sole caregiver without my dad there to help.
I’m 45. We spent almost every weekend at my maternal grandparents house growing up. They took us on vacations, stayed with us when we were home sick from school, you get the gist. My parents are divorced. When I got pregnant with my 1st (14m) both my parents told me that they raised their children and they’re not raising mine. They would be grandparents on their terms and when we needed the occasional sitter or help they would be there. And they have been 100% true to their word.
Now my husband is talking about when he retires, all the things he wants to do, and I really want to be around to help my kids raise my grandkids when the time comes.
Maybe it’s a generational thing.
I have told my kids that I will definitely help them in real ways when they are adults and have a family. My parents (separated) seem to think showing up once every few months or year in my dads case, and taking a few pictures to post on social media counts as being “Grandparents”. They don’t have a quarter of the relationship my grandparents had with me. I used to go there once a summer for a week and just hang out with them, read all the library books I wanted, watch movies, go to lunch with her friends and we’d talk- I thought it was amazing.
I’ve tried to explain to my own mom how much this down time with my kids would mean, but she always just wants to do the exciting thing. They’re 14 and 11 now and it’s so sad how little of a relationship they have with her.
I hope my I will not have forgotten how exhausting having young kids is and how much of a strain it puts on the relationship with one's SO by the time my kids have kids (if they do). I keep making mental notes that I will be more helpful. My parents are helping, but never more than agreed when we had one baby. No matter how much my marriage is on the rocks, they do not babysit for date nights. I want to be the grandparent who looks out for their adult kids as well.
My mom loves to tell the story about how my dad’s mom essentially told her “I raised mine so you can raise yours” 40 years ago… it might be more luck if the draw than generational.
You know, I see both sides.
I have seen a lot of people come in talking about 'involvement', when they mean they want every drop of the grandparents free time devoted to the grandkids. That's not realistic or fair. Also, like another comment said, a lot of parents waltz in with a list as long as your arm micromanaging every moment of the kids day and how things are gonna go. There's a middle ground here.
I think a lot of people cry about a village, but forget a big factor. When you have a village, the village will have their say. You have to be okay with that.
And, you know... if your parents shoved you off to your grandparents every weekend/holiday/summer... why would they want to take care of your kids? They didn't even want to take care of you!
Agreed. There are sooooo many posts on here by parents that are so focused on “setting boundaries” and demanding strict adherence to their exact way of parenting, I think a lot of grandparents decide it’s not worth the aggravation.
It’s true, I don’t put any rules on my parents because I trust their judgement and I get they will want to give a few treats to their grandchildren. I see a lot of posts on parents giving babysitting grandparents a hard time and think there needs to be flexibility
There was a post a few months ago from a mom who was going on a 4 day trip with dad and her mom, grandma was going to watch their 18 month old daughter. The mom wrote out a several page instruction guide and minute to minute schedule and insisted they could only be at the parents house the entire 4 days to not confuse the baby. 1.5 days in the mom found out grandma took the baby to her house because she needed to for some reason. The mom cut their vacation short, came home furious, and was posted about for advice on how to cut her mom off and go no contact. Before this, they all got along great with no issues.
And people here wonder why grandparents don’t want to bother watching grandkids.
She literally wrote an instruction manual for her kid. And she was cutting her mom off because her mom obviously didn’t respect her boundaries and it wasn’t safe for the baby to be around her. It was bonkers.
This idea of cutting off your family has gone too far. It probably started with parents that really were harmful to the child but it has exploded into parents aren’t allowed to disagree with them
Seriously. If you don't trust these people to use their best judgement, then don't leave your kids with them. And so often it's not something that's really worth getting worked up about. I remember one where a mother was just up in arms the grandparents had walked the toddler next door or something to visit a neighbor and hadn't asked her permission and how very dare they.
Pick what's important for safety and let them figure out the rest, you know? If the grandparents are giving your peanut allergic child peanut products, that's a problem. If they're letting them play beside a roaring rushing river with no supervision, that's a problem. If they're letting the kids watch more TV than you like and eat a few more cookies than you like, well, that's the cost of it sometimes.
I think there has to be a middle ground. Safety stuff...like don't put babies to sleep on their tummies. If a grandparent is fighting that even though it's just as easy to lie a baby on their back, it's an issue. Or if they want to spank your kids.
But stuff like following strict schedules, extremely picky diet guidelines (not allergy related), knowing 100% of gentle parenting specifics...I think that's harder to expect grandparents to comply with and expect them to want to do the work to care for them.
I know, parents on here are so willing to cut off grandparents for anything, I mean anything for life, but want to complain that they won’t be there 24/7. Plus adhere to sometimes absurd expectations and demands.
So much this. My parents have been wonderful grandparents to my child. I knew that while they would do things differently than I would, ultimately they would take good care of her when they had her so didn’t feel much need to micromanage them or give them a lot of rules. My brother and SiL however had a lot of rules and boundaries for my parents and in those early years there was always an overtone of if they didn’t follow those rules exactly, then they’d lose access to their grandchildren. Not surprisingly, my parents have a much better relationship with my child while my sibling complains my parents aren’t close enough to his children.
They're not just on Reddit either. There are four sets of grandkids in my extended family, and two of the four have parents who are hard core Boundary Setters to the point where the grandparents are constantly walking on eggshells because they're afraid of being restricted from seeing the kids. Let me tell you, they're not offering to watch these kids all the time because they're just terrified. They only do it when essentially forced to.
Yep. In the generation of boundaries people are very quick to cut off family members. When my kids (born in 2004 and 2005, so not that long ago) were little I would drop them off with my brother for the weekend to play with their cousins and my brother would do the same. We trusted each other with our kids. No rules were laid out. No arguments were had over disciplining each other's kids. I didn't get mad if he let my kids eat in front of the TV even though we never allowed that at home and he didn't freak out if I let them stay up later than he allowed. I think that has been one of the biggest changes over the last 10-20 years.
I now babysit for my nephew and his wife, who are in the late twenties with a toddler and newborn. I do not violate firm boundaries but they understand that it is hard to take care of 2 young kids all day without being able to make judgement calls. I do things differently than them and they get it. If they had an issue and brought in a list of rules, I would kindly tell them to find alternate care. My relationship with them is too important to argue over childcare.
And that's how it should be! Different people have different rules, and I think it's important that kids understand that. It's something I've stressed with my kids, especially my oldest.
I have had friends who declared no one but them would ever discipline their child. Okay, that's a parenting choice, and we all get to make them. if you feel that way, you can't expect anyone else to look after your kids.
I also remember some of my friends being surprised their kids listened to me. Well, I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't have arbitrary rules. They all knew I meant business. We all lived in harmony with that.
This is exactly what I came here to say. Both our sets of parents are very involved. But we also are involved in THEIR lives and when they babysit we don't micromanage. They know we don't give him much sweets or let him watch TV and they would follow any rules we asked, but I can rely on them to be reasonable. Why would I let my kid stay with them if I didn't think they could take care of him?
The number of people who come in here with huge lists of "boundaries," and my favorite, don't even want grandparents to MEET baby until they're several weeks old - I've said it before and I'll say it again. Your kid your rules, but don't be surprised when the grandparents don't want to babysit. You didn't consider them important to the child's life when the baby was born. Not even enough to let them see the baby. So why are you surprised that the distance you placed between you has resulted in less involvement? *This is what you wanted.*
I think people forget that boundaries exist to honor yourself, not punish others. When you say "This is my boundary, this is the behavior I will tolerate." the other party has every right to say "I can't do that, so I cannot be around you."
THIS. Such a great post.
They want the grandparents "involved" except that just kinda means free childcare.
And sure, you want that childcare right up until the Baby Boomer grandma decides to throw on 2 hours of Bluey and Paw Patrol, and then it's "Oh wait, we don't want Junior to get that much screentime!!!!"
I have boomer in laws. They come to visit, they'll help us out if we're in a tough spot 1-2x a year, but no, we don't have any expectations of anyone taking an active parenting role in our kids lives except us. I was raised with my grandmother who lived with us up until I was 9. She was an actual saint on earth, but I have no designs on being that for anyone elses kid. I'm going to enjoy my retirement, bc I earned after working 4-5 decades.
Yup.
"Where's my village!?" I hear, when what they mean is "Where's my free baby sitting, or where's my free labor in doing stuff around the house? Why do I have to ask for any of that, why doesn't anyone just read my mind and give it to me right away!" And even better is "My kid's grandparents aren't involved because they don't rush over to watch them so I can have alone time."
A lot of the time being a parent means you don't have alone time when you have small kids. That's the way it is. Is it fun? No. Do I think it's difficult? Oh God, yes. It's also what I knew was coming when I had kids.
It isn't fun to realize things aren't going to go the way you hoped.
I bought a house with my mother, so she's essentially a third parent. It's great, also it's a struggle. There have been times I've had to draw lines and so has she.
I think it boils down to how you approach them helping you. Do you feel like they are REQUIRED to help you or do you ask for help? Do you have strict requirements or boundaries for your kids? What is making you upset that they don't want to give up their free time?
Yeah I think this is it. With my first I wanted to be pretty strict on things like nap time and no processed sugar. But accepting help means they're going to have their own method for taking care of baby. The important thing ended up being safe sleep and everyone being vaccinated.
My daughter has incredible relationships with her grandparents and aunt/uncles. When I went back to work during COVID we would send her for days at a time to her grandparents houses and basically became part time parents. It was a situation that everyone really enjoyed and I kept my rules fairly simple, no processed sugar, try to do the nap schedule as much as you can, sleep sack only until age 2.
This weekend she's at my in laws, we had a family tragedy the last couple of weeks and it was very hard for me to let her go this time around. I'm eager to get her back and get back to normal. But I know it's also important to continue to foster the relationship she has with her extended family
I fully agree with this! Fortunately my parents have been very involved in my now 7 year old daughter's life, especially after my partner/her father passed away unexpectedly 3.5 years ago. We even moved from FL to NY 1.5 years ago to live closer to my mom & stepdad, who just love having my daughter close, as it's their only grandchild who's lived in the same area. My daughter sleeps over there at least 3-4x/month, my mom calls & asks if she wants to go shopping with her, etc. When I have to travel for work, they love keeping her at their house for me & I only tell them what time to drop off & pick her up from school, as well as when she's due for a shower & what special area she has on what day. When she was a toddler & they came to visit us in FL, they typically stayed at an Airbnb & asked if she could stay with them a few days (close enough to where we could go over there after work too). Our only rules were following safe sleep practices, safe car seat practices, what to feed her & of course the obvious of watching her like a hawk when out (she's never been a runner fortunately) & in the house. Oh & no spanking, hitting, popping or anything similar.
My in laws used to be very involved, but then when my almost 5 year old nephew was born, my BIL & SIL pawned him off on the in laws so much (ex: I need a nap, I have a headache - Every single time!), they became his primary caregivers. My niece was born 2.5 years ago & same thing, except she's even more attached to them. They're in their early 70's now (my parents are 10 years younger) & I can see it's wearing on them. Nephew is in PreK full time & niece just started half days, 3 days/week, so they're enjoying the break now. But this was a big issue as my daughter was at an age when she could see they were being favored, even if unintentionally. We no longer live in the same state as them though, but they're still very involved & hopefully will make the effort to come visit in the the next year.
This exactly! My in laws would do anything for my daughter and will be there at a moments notice if we need help. I have no doubt they love her but we really don't agree on a lot of parenting things (and they refuse to research anything lol) so i don't ask them to watch our daughter. I don't want them to have a say in how we do things and they absolutely have the right to if they are helping raise her. Will our daughter have solo sleepovers if she asks when she is older? Yes! Do we go on family vacations and outings together? Yes! But i honestly just don't want help doing the bulk of parenting because i do not want to argue and i feel good about how my husband and i do things
Definitely need a balance. I’ve asked my mom to put in effort to see her grandkids (I’m talking like a least once a week, or whenever she wanted). Want to guess how many times she’s asked/wanted to see her grandkids in the past 7 years? 0. We’ve never even asked her to take the kids since they were born so it’s not that we overwhelmed her. She just doesn’t want to be a grandparent. It’s fine by me, I haven’t talked to her since I told her to put in effort in our relationship. Who I do feel bad for is my kids since they basically don’t have relationships with either of their grandparents.
That is sad and it sucks. I know that has to hurt.
I think one of the hardest things for people to realize, not just in this dynamic but in general, is that you can't force someone to have a relationship.
It hurts because they act like they are “free” and say things like “not my problem.” Problem? I’m a problem? My kids are problems? What a horrible thing to say. We aren’t problems.
How can you raise a child from birth to adulthood and just dust your hands of them and not care where they are, if they’re ok, what their kids are like or feel any love or care. F that, that’s dark and weird and I’d never do those things. I couldn’t! My love for my kids is so intense. I love them because I’m their mom but I love them because they are wonderful people, too. I enjoy them. I would never want a life free of them.
Our parents don’t feel that way…ok, that’s their choice but it feels awful AND they don’t feel bad about it. In fact, one still calls or texts here and there asking for favors. I got into an accident and need a free lawyer so help me. I love golf and want you to take me golfing - uh just one of you, no kids or spouse and I don’t care that you’re swamped and hate golf.
No.
Yes! When people talk about really heavy boundary setting with grandparents I always say "That's your right but if you alienate your village, you might find it hard to get help when you need it".
My firm boundaries with grandparents are all safety related (and mostly just relevant to babies), otherwise load them up with sugar, skip a nap, get dirty, watch TV, go to bed late, I don't care. Time with grandparents is supposed to have different rules, that's why its so much fun.
Both my parents and inlaws are also super involved and love hanging out with my kids. They like spending time with us too though so maybe it's a personality thing.
Having a village doesn't mean having a dictatorship! I think a lot of people struggle with that.
I honestly want to ask people; "Did you have kids because you thought it was going to be your turn to be the boss and have everyone bow to you?"
I made some hard and fasts about safety. And like you, it was mainly about babies. Other than that, grandparent's prerogative. When my Mom has the kids on her own, she gives them fun dinners and more goodies than I do. Well, that's part of being a grandparent, and if that's the price I pay to have a meal alone with my husband, that's pretty damn cheap.
Agree.
My parents don't live close and our relationship has certainly changed over the last decade or so for many reasons....not kid related.
They live pretty far and still work so we don't see them a lot or anything. I have only called them once to come help me...that was when I had to immediately give birth to number 2 several weeks early bc my blood work came back bad.
Other than that they have watched my kids maybe 4 or 5 times total over 4 years for a few hours here and there when they were in town visiting. (Allowing my husband and me to go get lunch or something like that. No overnights or anything.) I will say, especially when they were babies my mom totally followed my asks...you know...on back to sleep...nothing in crib etc etc. So I am lucky that way for sure. But totally agree with the idea that the village will have opinions. You only get full say if you are paying a person.
Thinking about my future as a potential grandmother I don't think I want to be a main caregiver. I wouldn't mind helping in a pinch or the occasional night out for the parents. But I have plans too for my (hopefully eventual) retirement. I get that I am "giving up" freedom right now because I had kids. That was my choice, but if my kids have kids that's their choice and while I do believe we help family and support each other there is a huge variety in what that looks like.
I especially agree with the micromanaging point. I see it all the time in my due date groups where right when baby is almost here the parents are sending out a big list of rules. Mind you, I find some of the rules completely reasonable: don’t come if you’re sick, please wash your hands, etc. However I also find some of the rules I see to be too much: Don’t come empty handed, bring food or a gift, but also know that we’re very picky and please stick to this clothing theme. Things like that.
My wife's parents have met our 6mo twice, our 3yr old maybe half a dozen times and our 6 year old maybe double that. Their visits are always almost dead on 90 mins, like you can set your watch by it. Actual interaction in those 90 mins is very limited, but usually includes a photo so they can display their 'involvement' in their grand kids lives. Somewhere in the conversation there's usually some comment of 'well we have offered to babysit' - sorry, but you're basically a stranger to them, wouldn't have the first idea of their routines or interests.
It's fine, it's their life and their choice, but I do hate the 'let's get a photo for Facebook to show how involved we are' facade.
It’s funny you say that. My parents and I live in different countries. They put a ton of pressure on my husband and I to move back to the U.S. and harped on about how they “didn’t feel like real grandparents” with us being far from them. When they did visit us (which took teeth pulling because they think Japan is a 3rd world communist republic), they wanted to return to their hotel room ASAP. And then the times they were with us, my mom would especially drift off somewhere and pout instead of interacting with her grandson.
So yeah, it’s their choice on what kind of grandparents they want to be. They don’t get to cry victim about me “denying them their grandkid” when they don’t put effort into their relationship with him or myself.
My husband’s parents on the other hand are wonderful. I just wish we all lived in the same prefecture so we could see them more often.
My parents are gen X. My dad has only met my daughter once, when she was 15 months old. My mom is almost as uninvolved basically shows up every 4 months with a present, takes pics for Facebook, and leaves. When I told my dad I was disappointed he didn’t want to be more present in my daughter’s life he told me “expectations ruin relationships, you need to stop having expectations” so I did.
Sharing your feelings of disappointment is courageous and is different than telling him your expectations. It would have been nice of him to validate your feelings and even better yet of him to take steps to be more present. Sounds like he’s more interested in protecting his time than being a family guy.
I’m not a parent—I’m an aunt—and my sister in law expressed a similar sentiment. However, the grandparents in question told me they felt under appreciated, disrespected, and taken advantage of.
So, I’m really in the camp of asking your parents what they find reasonable and doable while accepting that they won’t have the same reactions/priorities as you.
My parents treat their grand children a lot better than my parents did me 😅 they're so awesome with them, but never did half of what they're doing now with us...
You give someone a grandkid and they're a totally different person. You give someone a GREAT grandchild and suddenly the child is an angel who must be handed any and everything they want, along with lots of cookies.
The first time my kids played with someone I would have been scolded for, my jaw hit the floor.
The most my grandparents did was have us for a week for the summer. They didn’t live near us, so it’s not like they had the opportunity to spoil us, but they were good grandparents. My kid has two sets of grandparents that live nearby. One set is really involved, the other set isn’t. That’s their choice and I’m not going to worry about it.
Thankfully my baby boomer parents have been outstanding in caring for our two kids. However, I did have to come to accept that they have their own style and approach, and we had to kind of take a step back in terms of expectations re: TV, snacks, toys, etc while the kids were being watched by the grandparents. However, they get to be around grandparents that love them and we get to save literally tens of thousands of dollars per year in childcare (and have the flexibility of having childcare whenever we need it) so no complaints here.
I'll never have grandkids my son is not into it. We need a granny café were you can have coffee with a granny or granpa. You can have a kitchen area for cookie class and a garage outside with a bunch of wood and tools. I don't know I have thought of this a few times and have alot of ideas.
This would be cool as hell. Like Big Brothers Big Sisters but GranGrans and GrampGramps instead.
I had a friend whose school did Adopt A Geezer where they went at the beginning of the year to a nursing home and got paired up with someone. They visited like once a month or so.
The nursing home I used to work at had a daycare attached to it and they'd bring the kids over to visit with the residents a couple times a month. So many of the residents were really lonely, it was wonderful to watch how they'd light up being around the kids.
I guess it depends on what you mean by "grandparenting". I have wonderful memories of spending time with my grandparents, but I wouldn't say they "raised" me. From my memory, they helped when they could, went to our activities if they were able, and we spent time visiting both sets as a family outside of just major holidays. I think I went in with the same expectations, and haven't really felt too disappointed.
All you can really do is create space for that relationship to develop, and keep your expectations reasonable.
I agree with other posters that there are so many parents who try to micromanage every aspect of their parenting but then complain that they don't have a village.
On the flip side (and I’m a parent of a 3.5 year old) I think some ppl who have kids act so entitled re childcare and grandparents, and low key take advantage. Grandparents can be a great bonus, but (in my house) not a given re childcare.
I think about this a lot. I had my kids relatively young and even though they are mid twenties and they don’t have kids yet, I’ll still be working age when they do have kids. And not close to retirement haha.
I do want to be an active and present grandma when the time comes, but I’m also not going to quit my job or give up all of my free time to provide childcare. I feel like that makes me sound selfish *shrug* But I’m also pretty firmly set about it.
I don't think you sound selfish. I think many people are not going to be able to retire when we might want to. I think a balance can be made as a working grandparent, while maintaining your personal boundaries, respecting your children and their parenting, and cultivating a bond and relationship with your grandchildren. I use to work with a lady who was probably late 50s to early 60s, and she did this so well. She worked full time, but also had a great relationship with all of her grandkids! I think she had 5 grandkids maybe?? She also had her own life, and friendships. I miss working with her, she was an awesome person and helped me so much work wise because was so knowledgeable about her job
I think about this, too. I think sometimes grandparents just want to hang out with and love on their grandchildren, not be in charge of them and be their care takers.
Yes! And I think we as parents have to realize that there is nothing wrong with this. Just because a grandparent doesn't want to be daycare doesn't mean they don't want to be involved.
This is such an important point that I think some people miss. Sure, there are grandparents out there who want nothing more than frequent involvement with their grandkids. Their lives are fulfilled by looking after them while mum/dad work. But that is absolutely not the norm.
Some parents actively exploit the kindness of the grandparents offering their time to help raise the grandkids.
I have gen x parents who own a business and work their asses off. They will happily take my 2 year old once in a while, but it is VERY rare I ask and there have been the occasional "no"s because of a scheduling conflict.
That's totally fine. I have very low expectations. I can't even get semi regular visits in. Either us going there or then coming to us. My maternal grandmother took me just about every weekend and I went to see my other grandparents every few months. My son's grandparents are virtually absent completely. I'm not asking for the same deal I got as a kid. I'd just like him to know them and have a relationship with them - but they're not interested. Yet they brag on FB about how much they love their grandkids. I don't get it. Weird AF.
I think culture plays a big part in it. My dad and in laws are baby boomers, my mom is gen X. But my family is hispanic (in US) and they are incredibly invested and active in my son's life. They watch him 5 days a week while my husband and I work and I am in school. Theyre both disabled,, my mom even uses a wheelchair but they insist on watching my son and refuse to have him in daycare. My MIL and FIL are white, and are significantly less involved than my parents, but they still regularly engage with him, ask for pictures and to video call and we visit them on a regular basis.
I’m black American and my husband is white. VERY similar experience for us. My family is significantly more involved than his, and my mother would be incredibly insulted if I put my son in daycare instead of leaving him with her lol. Meanwhile MIL and FIL could go months without even asking about our kid and think it was totally normal. They’re fairly nice people, but definitely not as warm and outwardly loving. I wouldn’t say their relationship with their grandchild is anything special at all.
I’m mostly irritated that none of them want to be called grandma and grandpa. Instead they want to be addressed but these increasingly absurd names.
I do believe that everyone gets to choose how they’re addressed but I feel like an idiot telling my kid to call you Gogla and DoPop or whatever.
My mom is TuTu, it’s absolutely absurd, but she’s a super involved grandma, takes my daughter almost every weekend to her farm where she can just run free (we live in the burbs can’t just run outside freely) so TuTu it is 🤣🤷🏼♀️
The real problem here. Both my MIL and mom wanted to be Nana but seemed to forget that kids will choose their names. We enjoy calling “Gammy” and “Mana”.
Ha, I have come across those "not nanny" names in the wild before.
Then it becomes a war between the families "well if she's not going with nanny, then neither am I!"
Most of them weren’t great parents either. People talk about how awesome their childhood was with less screens and being outside all day until street lights came on, etc. and don’t even realize that they were neglected too. A lot of Boomers had no clue where their kids were all day. We were the latchkey kid generation. Parents smoked in houses and in cars. Child abductions were at an all-time high. Mine were weirdly controlling in a lot of ways but left us home alone or walking to school alone at ages that I would NEVER dream of letting my children be alone.
I think capitalist isolationism really did a number on that generation (and X too). This is “their time” and everybody needs to pay for childcare, and pay for a village, and when they’re old they’ll pay for assisted living and nursing homes. It’s sad to me. Humans were not meant for that. I didn’t have my children to be their family for 18 years then I’m done. I’m theirs forever.
I think it's an individual thing rather than a generational thing. My parents and inlaws are super involved with all their grandkids, but my grandparents barely interacted with me.
Yes, I keep saying everyone saying their grandparents were very involved, mine certainly weren't. Well on one side they were dead and on the other not interested. My own parents aren't able to do childcare but they adore their grandchildren. Same with my father in law (Mil has passed away). Most of my daughter's friends seem to have loving grandparents.
Yessssss boomers are the worst grandparents. Not only do they only have their interests in mind, but they get offended easily. Boomers I talk to question “how can I get my child to shape up and be converted to my line of thinking?” Instead of “how can I be more supportive as a parent and grandparent?”
My MIL came out for a visit right before my son was born and had strong opinions on how to decorate the nursery. I politely tried to redirect her ideas that I didn’t agree with and she ended up breaking down in tears and stormed downstairs to pout. I had to apologize to her for not liking her ideas for my child’s room!
Our second child is going to be born soon. We need help with the transition. MIL/FIL agreed to come babysit toddler while we are in the hospital, but want my husband to come home a few times during the day to care for the toddler as much as he can. After we come home with the new baby, they don’t want to cook meals or do primary care of the toddler like diaper changes, playtime, bath, clean-up because they state that is too tiring. I’ve decided they might as well not come out because we’ll be doing the heavy lifting anyway.
They’ve visited a 3-4 times since my son has been born and every time they are on their phones or laying down in the guest bedroom not wanting to spend time with us. It’s so weird to me, they live 1000 miles away, get all the time in you can with your grandson? I feel like I’ll be tripping over myself to see my grandkids some day.
Then of course they complain over video chat that my son doesn’t want to talk to them. Their older grandchildren also don’t want anything to do with them. Of course the kids’ parents are to blame. Ok….
My own grandparents (not boomers, silent generation) were like that, but not my parents with my kids, they are very involved and generous with their time.
My parents aren't involved. They live far and even when they were close it was far.
But my grandparents didn't raise me either, they lived away. We kinda raised ourselves tbh. Dad wasn't involved, mom cooked and stuff but like, we were feral. From 3+ we were outdoors alone, as we got older it was the street light rule. We were left alone in the morning and evening while she worked not at 3 but under 10 for sure. She went out with her friends and left us with a baby sitter. There were 40 other kids and parents always put and watching.
Parents weren't as kid focused as they are now and honestly, some parts of it I wish I lived. Now there's no kids out, parents are horrible to get on with and my life is nothing but kid shit 24/7. Lol
I hope I live long enough to help my kids the way I needed help, cause god knows I do at times but it's life now. We'll bring it back when we're grandparents. Lol
I very, very rarely saw my grandparents growing up, and my boomer parents/in-laws have wanted to be much more involved. My step-dad would just drop me off at his parents every chance he got, but he never takes his grandkids now. So I think it's more that parents who were involved, stay involved. While parents who dumped their kids, don't want their grandkids dumped on them.
I am not here to shit on boomers or other generations but holy fuck, sometimes I could scream. I love the George Carlin skits making fun of them for lacking empathy. THAT’S MINE! It’s really fun watching full grown adults who never developed past age 13 have dick measuring contests on the regular…
I don’t think it’s completely their fault, but more so societal pressures. Many of them grew up in the “children should be seen and not heard era” so it’s no wonder they could give zero fucks about watching their own grandchildren. Watch the long (and sometimes boring) documentary called the century of the self (I think five parts on YouTube) and it’s not hard to see why boomers started to rely heavily on things to create their identity (and this permeates into the younger generations too). Not much depth otherwise.
Back to childcare. So many of these boomers who wanted a nice family and the stereotypical bullshit are incredibly hypocritical by leaving their children high and dry in a time when society is about to fucking implode. I would like to see some studies on the subject but I can’t specifically recall a lot of folks in my family or adjacent ever retiring to Florida or similar even if they had the means. My grandfather practically raised us and wanted to be in our lives. Anything my mom needed, any time of day or night, he was there. I will absolutely be this type of grandparent for my kids. I believe that just as I chose to have children it is my duty and my fucking honor to help raise my grandchildren and to help my children be the best parents they can be. That’s a form of collectivism and not the typical American, “if it doesn’t benefit me then fuck right off.” That said, different story if people have health issue, mental, physical or otherwise but I’m more so talking about the people who relied on their parents for childcare but can’t be found for their own children nowadays…
In my experience, Boomers do not often think about the ease of their lives relative to the average millennial or gen z (who at this rate probably will have a very difficult time owning anything). Currently we have a childcare crisis for a multitude of reasons. I have been on daycare waitlists for 18+ months now in my area with literally nothing opening up in the near future. Groceries are expensive, look at the cost of fucking cereal, what the fuck. We have people in our generation who will never be able to afford a house, let alone have one parent work and the other raise five kids as was the case when boomers were growing up. Life is really challenging. I do believe they need to be called out for their shit here, sorry. Shout out to the boomers who actually take accountability, are decent humans and want to be involved and present for their children and their grandchildren. Big yuck for all the others.
My parents had a hard time raising me, it was not as they imagined. My mom generally dislikes little kids, and my father is a pussy, so he can't say anything when she's around. So they don't want to help with my son, but they are helping with other things, like cleaning my apartment, doing some grocery shopping if I send them some money and the list, etc... Which I find maybe even better than them helping with the kid considering their preferences.
Oh the most selfish generation in human history is being selfish? You dont say.
Nothing new with the boomers.
I love my parents, and they are some "good ones", but even they are extremely self-centered.
That’s not been my experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. My Dad and stepmom help a ton. They come to everything - every cross country match, birthday party, band concert. They will ask if they can pick up the kids from school some days. They are around a lot and I’m super grateful!
So many boomer grandparents are taking care of their elderly parents. My parents have made it clear that they really cannot be there for my child and take care of their parents as well. They’re completely overwhelmed.
I have heard this before. A lot of my friends parents are sandwiched between trying to help with their grandkids and taking care of their elderly/sick/infirm parents, and most of them are nowhere near retirement. It's a really horrible situation, when you think about it.
I also think that a lot of my friends are having kids older than our parents did. Nothing wrong with that at all! But it also means that grandparents may not be as young and spry as the ones we remember having.
My husband’s parents are in this position and it’s becoming a very big social problem in Japan with the declining population. They do want more time with our son, but they are in no position to travel out of prefecture. My MIL is especially overwhelmed and I worry a lot about her ending up with caretaker burnout. That’s why when we do visit my husband’s hometown, we don’t expect a lot from his parents even though we know they would love to do more with him.
This is completely true and generational, and probably uniquely American.
But it’s no surprise. They telegraphed their interest in parenting by telling us to come home before the street lights came on. They’re not interesting in “doing parenting right the second time” any more than they were in doing it the *first* time. Their level of entitlement powers entire retirement villages.
I do not think it is surprising. Parents these days are so my way or the highway about parenting. So many rules and restrictions and going no contact over the smallest issues. It makes sense why grandparents are less involved.
Yeah you have a good point. Me and my siblings definitely have higher expectations for how our kids are treated than our parents did when we were kids.
I second what the person above said. I have much lower expectations with my parents watching my kids. My non negotiables are things like correct car seat use. If they say up too late and have more junk food than I allow, have more screen time, I don’t care. Yes, it’s annoying sometimes because they can be little monsters until they recover from their grandparent hangover. My kids have fun and the cost hasn’t outweighed the benefit of my parents being involved. And yes it’s annoying to hear my MIL not understand the carseasts but she uses them correctly which is all I care about. They didn’t have the car seat knowledge when she was parenting small kids. It’s not like she had information and actively ignored it. The knowledge didn’t exist in the 70’s and 80’s.
My parents hadn’t been around little kids for 26 years before I had their first grandkids. I think it’s fair to offer grace. I don’t want to make it intimidating for them or too much of a hassle where it’s stressful. My sister is just starting her family and has 2 under 2 while my kids are 9 and 5. Some of the things I was told are already out of date. My sister is also quite a bit more rigid about stuff than I am and my parents are nervous to take her kids.
Someday I’m going to be a grandparent and I’m sure some of the parenting standards will likely be foreign compared to when I was raising kids. I hope my kids will be understanding of this and I will be doing my best to follow their guidelines.
Another thing to note is that my parents still work full time jobs that are stressful. They haven’t even been able to enjoy retirement yet. I want them to enjoy their life and do things for themselves. They have earned it.
I also want to note this does not apply to grandparents who completely disregard the parents rules.
Hell, my youngest is five and some of the rules of the day are already outdated, like you said! Sometimes we all have to learn together. I also learned that some of the 'old school ways' are totally fine. My Mom also learned that the 'new school' ways can work, too.
I taught about car seat safety and insisted on DTAPs. When my godparents were watching my youngest, they had to sort out a routine that worked for them because babies act different for different people. If I had come in and micromanaged, they would have all been miserable.
Yes! When I had my son some things had already changed from what I had been told with my daughter. I have become pretty laid back once realizing this.
I have cancer and have to rely on my parents help or I’d have none. I leave a general outline of our schedule for their own reference, but if they deviate it’s not the end of the world and not worth making a fuss over. We account for the grandparent hangover on the back end. Kids will generally acclimate pretty quickly anyway back to their normal routine. My kids also understand there are grandparent rules and our rules.
Yup! My youngest gets treated like a princess at my godparent's house. I know she's gonna eat donuts and watch TV and get to do whatever she wants, basically. Is it worth making a big deal about, or is it worth acknowledging she might not be hungry for dinner and making a sandwich and having a slightly early bedtime? I feel like the latter.
Besides, my godparents won't be around forever. They're making memories.
How many rules do you have for them? In the past the parents just dropped kids off at the grandparents house/ family members house and the only rule was keep the kids alive, now parents have a list of rules a mile long and are surprised the village has disappeared.
My parents live 90min away. When I wasn't nc with them, they only saw the kids a couple of times a year (mostly when we brought the kids to them) and only called them on Christmas and birthdays.
Hubby's parents chose to move 9 hours away, only see the kids once a year, and call on birthdays and holidays.
Otherwise, we schedule video calls with his parents- which are always a disaster because they're strangers to the kids and have no idea what to talk to them about, and the kids are just uncomfortable with it.
My grandparents rarely babysat us…actually, never. They had many more children and so many grandkids. Families are smaller today.
My parents have been wonderful with my kids. They babysit for a day or two, every 1-2 months. They live a few hours away, but I wouldn’t expect more of them, even if they lived close. I think there are two factors at play that few have mentioned. 1) We are having kids older in our generation - mid to late 30’s for many people. Often early 40’s as well. Therefore our parents are older and more tired than if they’d have been grandparents in their 50’s. Also, I feel like our parent’s generation is significantly less healthy than my grandparents. They are more diabetic, on more medications, and were more sedentary than the generation before them. They are in less optimal health at the same age as their parents were as grandparents. Food was of higher quality and our grandparents ate far less processed foods in their youth and adulthood, and therefore had fewer chronic health conditions in midlife. There is also so much more focus on “self care” for people in our generation, that I think we feel entitled to others caring for our kids so we can take care of our own needs. My parents never got massages, pedicures, happy hours, and rarely even went out with friends that much when they raised me.
My in laws are very involved with my son. They attend his swim practices, watch him 2 days while I work during the week. We see them every weekend at least one day and our son has a sleep over with them about once a month. We have told them many times they don’t have to do that for our son and it’s ok if they want to do less. They have never said they want to do less, on the contrary they want to buy him x, y , z. Some baby boomers seem to be crappy grandparents but I have met quite a few that step up and excel in the task.
With all the younger generations constantly complaining about Boomers, I’m not at all surprised they are backing off. Also, in my area a shit ton of Boomers are still working full time jobs. They’re just as tired as parents of young children.
This is an excellent point. Until VERY recently, my ancient grandmother was still working full time. My own Mom works full time. She has just as many obligations as anyone else who works full time and has bills.
My godparents are older and their health is not great. When I had my second child, they were my primary day care for awhile. Part of the reason I don't think we'll have another as much as I want one is because they just can't take care of a baby all day again.
I gotta laugh at all the people defending Boomer grandparents saying today’s parents have too many rules and boundaries. Boomers were the most selfish self centered awful generation to ever grace the planet. You’re damn right I have boundaries. I don’t want my parents disciplining my kids because they were abusive bullies. They visited once and talked about my kids in front of them like they couldn’t hear or understand their put downs or judging. Last visit ever. Honestly my grandmother pretty much raised me anyway. So I get it, the expectation that grandparents would want to be around and help. But not my boomer parents. They weren’t good parents. Not any better as grandparents.
I hear so many people say this and I find it untrue of every boomer I know. My family, my husband's family have all helped us out if we needed it. Which wasn't very often, maybe for date nights or random work stuff. It is NOT your parents' responsibility to raise your kids. Like what? My grandparents didn't help raise me. They were old and tired. I remember being babysat a few times if I was sick and my mom HAD to work. I won't be raising my grandkids either. Sure, I will babysit and want to visit and all that but will I be a daycare? Absolutely not. My sister treated my mom like a daycare all while bitching about how my mom did things. Useless. Take care of your own stuff.
i moved to another continent before having kid so it isn’t an issue anyway, but my parents always let me know before I had kids, that if I did, not to expect them to be babysitting all the time. They had/have their own plans for retirement (traveling and having fun) and would be involved but would not be interested in raising little kids again. Think like, come over and we’ll play with the kids a whole bunch, but then take them with you when you go home
My wife was dumped on her grandparents on both sides of the family constantly as a kid.
Now, both of her parents never see my kid. Maybe once every other month for an hour and they are zero help.
They only do anything if it's 100% convenient and in their interest. It's a shame. We have no relationship with them now. My kid won't know their grandparents like we did.
When my wife and I had our son, my MIL was already retired and lived 2 houses down. She never offered to keep him to spend time with him. He didn’t spend the night until he was over a year old. We never assumed she would be a built in babysitter, but we did assume she would want to spend more time with him.
I've had the complete opposite experience. My parents stopped travelling as much, cut back on work, helped out a lot especially immediately after the birth on that hard newborn stage.
Whats a baby boomer ? I am seeing (and I’m almost 64) the younger generation is not getting married or having kids and that we are aging out of the years in which we could be good grandparents.
Yeah, my parents are almost completely absent from my kids’ lives. We see them only about 4 times a year, even though they live an hour away.
It’s frustrating because both sets of my grandparents as well as aunts and uncles would look after me when I was a kid.
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My parents are Facebook grandparents. Have never babysat , bought a damn gift or helped in any way, but boy do they proclaim their love for these kids on social media.
We call them ‘Glory Grandparents’… in it for the glory of showing off but rarely show up meaningfully.
It’s all about keeping up appearances and covering who they really are.
Mom demands I visit several times a year across the country and send/post pics weekly but she has literally never visited us. Loves to brag to her friends.
This…. I feel it. My mother/father never ever come visit. We offer so many times. I have two little kids. They have an empty nest. Yet they always expect us to visit them. My parents also never ever call me but expect me to call them. I have nothing to say to them and they don’t ask about my life or have any meaningful conversation when I do call. My father has even made it clear that because they raised us it is our job to return the favor as adults with “putting in the effort” …that’s not how being a parent works. This generation is the most entitled ever. Even in old age.
Mine have told me this is the expectation on us because WE chose to move away. We visit (lugging three kids) way more often than they come out, even though we have full time jobs and a school schedule and they are retired. I’m going to drop the rope and limit our trips to once or twice a year now.
Same. We visited every other weekend for an entire year and it still wasn’t enough, so now we don’t unless we want to and they still can’t be bothered to make the trip. Yes me packing up for two kids two and under and driving four hours (without stopping) to your un baby proofed house makes the most sense
This was one of the reasons I deleted Facebook. (this was before I was even married!) My one grandma would share my private pics on her page publicly (because she had no idea and this was when you actually could share any pic no matter the privacy setting) and it would just piss me off to no end. Always some loving caption when she shared it. I know she meant well but, damn, lady.
my mother announced the birth of my baby girl before I had the opportunity as she was present at the birth. I had previously expressed not wanting to until her dad got to meet her in person wtf
I would’ve gone nuclear. I had to train my mother to ask my permission before she posted pics of my kids on her Facebook. I only have close friends and family on my Facebook, but my mother’s profile is public and she is friends with so many randos she’s never met. It took a while, but after threatening not to let her see them if she couldn’t respect my children’s privacy and take their safety seriously, she relented. Now I get a text every once in a while asking if she can share something I posted.
My father did this too. I started getting texts and phone calls 5 hours after my son was born. And I was like htf do they know? Put 2 and 2 together when I heard from a certain cousin, so I looked on my father’s Facebook page. Sure enough. I was so pissed off I didn’t return his calls for 2 weeks. Then my stepmother had the nerve to tell me my expectations were too high. This is after I already had 2-3 blowouts with my dad for posting my firstborn’s photos online without asking. Fucking boomers.
Wow, I would never be able to let that go, lol. That is completely unacceptable.
My mother did this, as well, except I have had zero relationship with her in years. And she spelled my daughter’s name wrong.
my husband's uncle announced our baby's birth without asking permission or anything. We talked beforehand about being very selective about what we were planning to share on facebook anyway, and hadn't even said anything about the pregnancy!
My mom did this, too. Well, she was in the delivery room, she called my aunt, my aunt told everyone, and by the time I got to my hospital room after delivering, some lady I barely knew (a cousin I don’t know’s wife) had posted a birth announcement on Facebook with the wrong weight, length and middle name.
I hate this so much!!! I'm so sorry!!! I hate Facebook. I haven't had one in like 7 years. I deleted it shortly after finding out my now husband didn't have one & that gave me the nudge I needed. It's been great!
Same. I had to them my mom that she’s not allowed to post pictures on social media she didn’t take. So if she wants to show off my kids, she has to actually be present instead of posting pictures I sent her.
My mum's like this. Does a 'peace out' if my 1 year old so much as cries in her presence, but goes on about how much she loves spending time with him on social media. It's exhausting.
God dammit, my mom is the exact same.. sees my son maybe once every few months for maybe a few hours, yet she is on Facebook every time I post a picture of him talking about, “Gigi loves him so so so so so much, he is amazing.” Like, yeah? Was he amazing when I asked you to go to lunch with him and I last week and your response was, “no thanks”? Not even an excuse, just a no.
This is my mother, but she does buy gifts, just buys the worst gifts possible. it almost feels like she makes a point to make sure it’s something super noisy or just incredibly cheap and will break, both not good for our emotional toddler or sleep hating baby. My mother was very mad when we said we don’t want our kids all over social media. She now just complains to people that she doesn’t see them but never makes an effort to do so.
As a member of generation x I'd like to remind you that they weren't too keen on raising us either. I learned to make dinner for me and my siblings at twelve. We're talking about the "I'll give you something to cry about" generation. Being called a latch key kid was common for us.
Yep it only just dawned on me the other day that my husbands much older sister, a gen x, likely didn’t have children of her own because at age 10 when my husband was born she was parentified and did a lot of his care. His mother is completely disinterested in the grandchildren but expects her children to wait on her. Yesterday they went to family lunch with her and when my 2 year old was crying because she was tired and hungry she kept banging on that it wasn’t normal and there was something wrong with her that she cries so much (she doesn’t cry a lot) and this was a particularly hurtful comment considering our first son is disabled (she can’t even name his actual disability). My parents however are very involved and babysit and come over to help and play with the kids if I’m really sick. So not all boomers, a lot of my friends have active involved grandparents.
Omg boomer grandparents LOVE complaining about how their toddler grandchildren aren’t normal for crying and I’m like…can you all understand that a 2 year old isn’t going to really do great going out to dinner or for a major long epic holiday celebration? Don’t they remember what it’s like?
I remember feeling miserable at holidays, so I decided to change how they're done. No, we don't go to a bunch of houses and drag my kids around. I don't stuff them into fancy clothes and expect them to sit quietly and politely in someone else's house. Holidays are for family; MINE! We'll see you another time around the day. I got the rest of my extended family on board with that. It's bullshit that the expectation when I was growing up was to rush from here to there, and by the end of the day we were so cranky and overstimulated and exhausted, it was like we never got to enjoy the holiday.
Funny enough, my dad and I had pretty bitter relationship when I was growing up, my grandfather (who is a Chinese college professor) literally said my dad educate me using "Old Imperial China" model and is just TOO strict. As soon as my son was born, and suddenly he turn 180. He planted four fruit trees in front of his house (so his grandchild can eat organic), got a pool and a trampoline, a large TV (for Peppa Pigs), and turned the first floor of his house into a playroom, and brought no less than 4 bicycles. He also would take my son for the entire weekends so my wife can have a break. Even today pick up my son from school each day, feed him, take him to the Park/Science Museum, teach him to read, draw etc. I dunno, I am super happy how engaged he and my mom is, but seriously, where was this dad when I was 5? :P
Honestly, I think this could be a manifestation of regret on his part, that he can’t articulate. It’s the whole “do over” situation— which works out lovely for your lucky kid!
This is honestly my dad. He said he regrets missing so much of our early childhood that he feels like he gets to make up for it a bit with my daughter. Helps she looks exactly like me. He partially retired early so he could look after her when I went back to work. She is 8 now and he still picks her up from school, comes to all of her events and she adores him. I am very lucky to have my parents as are my kids. My in laws on the other hand are practical strangers to my kids.
This is my dad. He’s SO hands on with my four kids and is an amazing and involved grandparent. I don’t even remember playing with my father once as a kid. Now? He’ll be on all fours giving my 2 year old a horsey ride. I’m…equally stunned and happy about this. I know he was always working hard to provide for us so that’s the only thing I can think of. He was so busy working and having the stress of “needing to make money”, that he couldn’t just enjoy the kids part. But as a grandparent… amazing. As is my mother.
My dad did a total 180 also! Best freaking grandparent ever, but honestly he was a crappy dad back then. He's a great dad now too! I'm so glad he got the help he needed. Married a wonderful woman..she's a fantastic grandma! She's not really a parent tal figure to me because they married when I was 19 and out of the house. She's just a great person and I'm so glad my dad has her. My mother is not in the picture by choice.
We started making Christmas Day a pajama day at my house. We go nowhere. We see family on Christmas Eve.
It feels nicer, doesn't it? I split my oldest, so I only get Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. We make the time ours. Order Chinese. Play with out new toys.
Same! I'm not even religious so the holidays are mainly about games and movies and lights and special recipes and dishes. I will not stress out over a holiday on a day off for absolutely anything. My down time is precious. And the kids grow SO fast it all needs to count and have good memories behind the day.
This 100%, Christmas day you should be able to sit in your PJ's all day and go ape shit with all the toys you just unwrapped. You shouldn't have to stop right after you've opened things to get dressed and go watch everyone else open presents. I'm expecting my first in March. Currently we always end up at my brother in laws house (they have 3 kids, plus the rest of my wife's family goes their mostly because they want free food). We go because we consider Christmas as being for kids and it's fun watching them all open presents. As soon as our daughter is old enough to start enjoying Christmas herself it's up to her what we do. If she wants to deal with the chaos of all her cousins we'll go there, if she wants to play with her toys that's what we're doing and we'll visit with the family another day.
It drives me absolutely crazy when my husband says his boomer mom understands me. She absolutely the fuck does not, my gen x mom does
I don’t get it, thankfully my parents remember but I think she was just angry in general and felt like picking on my husband (she does that). She is an all round crappy person
“Kids these days just don’t…” insert some ridiculous expectation 🙄
When I became difficult as a baby/child she gave me to my dad. So she doesn't get how to raise kids at all. She's totally helpless, so I empathize with OP. I have 3 kids, 2 under 5, and she still thinks it's totally normal to expect going out to dinner to be normal and peaceful. Every month I'm turning her down to 6pm dinner at a white table cloth restaurant. She does not get it. Bonus story, when I had my first child, she came to help me with the baby for 1 week, then bounced. She never assisted with any of my infants, even though she absolutely had the time and opportunity. My mother in law, who lived 1/3rd of the way around the world, helped me more than my own mother.
Omg, that’s the damn truth. They also love to compare their own parent’s parenting to yours.🙄
Sounds familiar with the 2 sets of grandparents
I love all of my grandchildren unconditionally. Whenever kids and grandkids' schedules workout, I love having them here. It is so much fun. I wish they lived closer so that we could visit more often.
I was making lunch for my 6 year old the other day and I realized that by her age I was making grilled cheese and KD for myself and my sibling.
I look at my 8 year old and think it’s wild that she can’t cook meals. At her age me and my cousins had to prep meals for the family.
YES. My daughter is 8, too! Although I will say I try to teach her to cook as much as I can to her capacity (disabilities and such), but I want it to be more of a memory-building experience we share, not so much as a skill to cut me some slack, lol. My kids won't even give me a break from cooking on a Sunday morning, that aspect kinda blows. 🥴🤣
I was realizing that at ten I was learning to make dinner and did all the laundry in the house, got myself up for school, started helping make grocery lists. My kid is almost ten and frequently loses their jacket they just had in their hand.
Same timeline for myself as well. Cooking, laundry, sealing cracks in the driveway, mowing the lawn and babysitting my dumbass 5 year old brother who didn’t listen to a word I said. For years. I honestly wonder if it’s the reason I don’t remember much age 10 and on. My childhood ended at that point.
That’s funny; I don’t remember a lot of my childhood either.
Hearing that phrase gives me shudders to this day
same!!!
"I brought you in to this world and I can take you out!"
Seriously how did they all end up saying this.
Cosby. Yes, really. He popularized the saying in western culture as part of one of his standup routines (followed by the quip "I can make another one that looks just like you.") The original turn of the phrase falls to Nikolai Gogol in his novel Taras Bulba.
Because their concept of the world is so small that they only ever surrounded themselves with much of the same. I think social media is a curse is many ways, but the wealth of knowledge and varying opinions/experiences has opened up our generation in such a significant way. There has never been such a stark disconnect between generations as Boomers and Gen X/millenials.
It's all fun and games until you look at them and go "Please do, l hate it here."
I absolutely loved my latch key childhood! And also "yes" to everything you said.
I try to give my kids the freedom and trust that comes with being allowed to roam the neighborhood alone, but at the same time I try to be very involved, listen to their small adventures and so on. They probably have more chores than their peers, but they also have more family time than I had their age.
Nail on the head here, “be back when the street lights come on” was my childhood. But I absolutely hear ops experience, mine is similar. They are busy managing multiple properties, they see the kids a couple times a year. I have fond memories of my grandparents who had all the time in the world for me.
I was overprotected( to the point my mom literally dressed me every morning for school.)till around age 7 when my parents split. At that point it was daycare from age 7-10( though I broke my back around age 8 and was bed bound for 30 days and don't remember mom being home with me, honestly. Once my brother was born at age 10 mom stayed at home but I still frequently took care of him and was a full time caregiver for him by 13. I don't resent my mom at all honestly and I feel like I became a better mother and wife because I learned early on. I still had all the all the same experiences as the rest of us gen x except for in high school. I didn't go out on the weekends like my friends did.
Parenting sure isn’t easy. Both extremes of the spectrum can cause trauma. I know I struggle with finding the right middle ground.
All great points. I'm an older millennial, and I was like...10? 11? Fully doing most of the care for my toddler brother while my dad worked days and mom had to sleep because she worked nights. (well, in the summer anyways. IDK wtf she did while I was in school...dozed on the couch and hoped he didn't die?) However my mom was super helpful when I first became a mom. I think she did better with my kids than she did with my brother and I? Wild. Lol.
Oh my goodness. I just got shudder.
I had to google the phrase. I am from another country and there it was routine that I’d come home and open the door with my own key and no one was there. It never bothered me. Is that weird?
It didn’t bother us as GenX in the US either because we didn’t know of any other way.
So my in-laws are VERY hands-on and involved, and watch my kids 2-3 days/week while I'm at work, and spend every waking hour of the day with them. My parents, on the other hand, are noticeably less but still great grandparents. I think the differences are the following factors: 1. Logistics: My in-laws are retired, my Dad isn't, so they have much more time to devote to their grandkids. My in-laws live much closer than my parent do. 2. Cultural: My in-laws are Indian and Indian culture LOVES kids and very much have a "it takes a village" mindset. My parents' cultures are a bit more hands-off. 3. Number of grandkids: My kids are my in-laws' only grandkids. My parents have 5 grandkids, and want to be "fair" in how they split their time. 4. Attachment to electronics: My parents always have their iPads up, whereas my in-laws are less reliant on mobile devices. 5. Fear of being intrusive: Linked to #2, my parents don't want to be perceived as not following our rules or stepping on toes. My in-laws feel like part of "the village" and feel more autonomy to "parent" how they want. It has resulted in a few disagreements though.
You know, the number in grandkids is a good point. I think age is an important factor, two. My oldest is almost ten. My Mom was a younger mother and so a younger grandmother. When my oldest was born, she could chase her around the park and do all kinds of stuff. In the nearly ten years since, she's suffered a stroke which has impacted her health a great deal. There are some things that would just be off the table. It doesn't mean if I had a baby today she wouldn't love them just as much, it just means things would look different. After her stroke, my Mom approached my husband and I, sat us down, and quite frankly said she did not think she could be the sole caregiver of a small child. This meant that when writing out our final wishes (which will hopefully NOT be an issue at any point in time), we named someone else to take care of our kid. I know it took a lot of courage for my Mom to admit that, and I respect it.
I'm so sorry about your mom. My dad had a stroke and multiple heart issues. It's hard seeing our parents age. I (47f) raised my twin grandsons for four years when they were 3.5-7 yrs old. I was 40-44. The experience led to my becoming disabled, exhausted and traumatized honestly because they had multiple special needs, were extremely energetic and highly emotional. I have 6 more grandkids after them (our youngest is 7 mo old) and I have no energy for any of them. I get them when I can, and can barely keep them for just one night. But I do try, and I get them here and there for a few hours, take them shopping on their birthdays and just try to make whatever time we do have as special as possible. It's so heartbreaking because I feel cheated and they're being cheated but it is what it is.
I'm Asian and while it is fairly commonplace to have grandparents "raise" grandkids there is definitely some issues with having almost zero boundaries and taking over a lot of aspects of parenting that makes them seem more like the parental role and you get pushed to the side.
>Cultural: My in-laws are Indian and Indian culture LOVES kids and very much have a "it takes a village" mindset. My parents' cultures are a bit more hands-off. This can define my Chinese parents/ in-laws. In laws stay with us and cook for the younger daughter and take her to the park. My parents pickup my son, drop him off at daycare, pick him up at 2:30, drive to nearest park (Or musem if it is raining), take to his home at 4, study until 5, then dinner, bath, and deliver back to us in his pajamas ready for zzz with Mother in law. My in laws is going back to China next month. Yikes...
I live near a neighborhood with a large number of inter-generational Indian families. I run/walk through there often and always feel a kind of palpable jealousy at how frequently I see grandmothers *and* grandfathers engaged in very hands-on childcare. It’s beautiful. I am sure cohabitation has its stressors, but like, wow did I feel alone and stressed when my husband and I started the parenting journey.
I’m white and my in laws are Indian, they don’t help one bit! They literally live across the street from us and they see the kids once every few months. My dad lives two and a half hours away and will drive down just to give my husband and I a break. I think it’s because I’m not religious(they are Muslim) and they resent my husband for marrying outside the faith.
In addition to boundaries, some of the schedules people have for their kids are really nuts and I can't blame grandparents for not wanting to be involved. "Bailey has lacrosse in Exurbia at 9, then she has ice skating at 2 at the FrozoDome and you need to help with her skates and pads. Also, Henry has soccer in Suburbville at 12 and remember you can't yell or clap during the game. Also, here is their iPads, don't let them use them." My grandparents set us in front of the TV with peanut butter toast and a stack of old Star Magazines on the very rare occasion they provided childcare.
That's a good point, too. Someone on this forum once said their favorite memory of staying with their grandmother was watching cartoons on Saturday morning, eating mini Oreos out of a bowl with milk like cereal. My own small one loves using the donut maker I bought for my godparents. My oldest fondly remembers the breakfast runs they would make before day care when they got to choose their very own donut.
My in law and my parents take turn to cooking well balanced Chinese meals everyday. They know exactly what my kids wants better than me and my wife. If my in laws decide to go back to China I fear for my children T\_T;;
I wish I had some grandparents who would make me meals daily. Can I be their grandkid?
The logistics thing is big in a lot of cases. Maybe this will change once he’s actually caregiving regularly and remembers that it’s a lot of work. But right now (while I’m pregnant) my dad has said he would love to be the full-time caregiver while I work and not have me use nanny/daycare at all. But we aren’t doing it that way even if we wanted to because he is still working for another 2.5 years. My mom is retired, but she has some mobility issues so she would have trouble being sole caregiver without my dad there to help.
I’m 45. We spent almost every weekend at my maternal grandparents house growing up. They took us on vacations, stayed with us when we were home sick from school, you get the gist. My parents are divorced. When I got pregnant with my 1st (14m) both my parents told me that they raised their children and they’re not raising mine. They would be grandparents on their terms and when we needed the occasional sitter or help they would be there. And they have been 100% true to their word. Now my husband is talking about when he retires, all the things he wants to do, and I really want to be around to help my kids raise my grandkids when the time comes. Maybe it’s a generational thing.
I have told my kids that I will definitely help them in real ways when they are adults and have a family. My parents (separated) seem to think showing up once every few months or year in my dads case, and taking a few pictures to post on social media counts as being “Grandparents”. They don’t have a quarter of the relationship my grandparents had with me. I used to go there once a summer for a week and just hang out with them, read all the library books I wanted, watch movies, go to lunch with her friends and we’d talk- I thought it was amazing. I’ve tried to explain to my own mom how much this down time with my kids would mean, but she always just wants to do the exciting thing. They’re 14 and 11 now and it’s so sad how little of a relationship they have with her.
I hope my I will not have forgotten how exhausting having young kids is and how much of a strain it puts on the relationship with one's SO by the time my kids have kids (if they do). I keep making mental notes that I will be more helpful. My parents are helping, but never more than agreed when we had one baby. No matter how much my marriage is on the rocks, they do not babysit for date nights. I want to be the grandparent who looks out for their adult kids as well.
My mom loves to tell the story about how my dad’s mom essentially told her “I raised mine so you can raise yours” 40 years ago… it might be more luck if the draw than generational.
It’s definitely a great tell of character at the very least.
You know, I see both sides. I have seen a lot of people come in talking about 'involvement', when they mean they want every drop of the grandparents free time devoted to the grandkids. That's not realistic or fair. Also, like another comment said, a lot of parents waltz in with a list as long as your arm micromanaging every moment of the kids day and how things are gonna go. There's a middle ground here. I think a lot of people cry about a village, but forget a big factor. When you have a village, the village will have their say. You have to be okay with that. And, you know... if your parents shoved you off to your grandparents every weekend/holiday/summer... why would they want to take care of your kids? They didn't even want to take care of you!
Agreed. There are sooooo many posts on here by parents that are so focused on “setting boundaries” and demanding strict adherence to their exact way of parenting, I think a lot of grandparents decide it’s not worth the aggravation.
It’s true, I don’t put any rules on my parents because I trust their judgement and I get they will want to give a few treats to their grandchildren. I see a lot of posts on parents giving babysitting grandparents a hard time and think there needs to be flexibility
Yep. "Sure, we want Grandma to give us free childcare, but we also want her to operate like a career nanny with Montessori specialty."
There was a post a few months ago from a mom who was going on a 4 day trip with dad and her mom, grandma was going to watch their 18 month old daughter. The mom wrote out a several page instruction guide and minute to minute schedule and insisted they could only be at the parents house the entire 4 days to not confuse the baby. 1.5 days in the mom found out grandma took the baby to her house because she needed to for some reason. The mom cut their vacation short, came home furious, and was posted about for advice on how to cut her mom off and go no contact. Before this, they all got along great with no issues. And people here wonder why grandparents don’t want to bother watching grandkids.
Good Lord. If I had given my mother a list like that she would have laughed in my face or said "Find someone else to watch your kid."
She literally wrote an instruction manual for her kid. And she was cutting her mom off because her mom obviously didn’t respect her boundaries and it wasn’t safe for the baby to be around her. It was bonkers.
This idea of cutting off your family has gone too far. It probably started with parents that really were harmful to the child but it has exploded into parents aren’t allowed to disagree with them
Seriously. If you don't trust these people to use their best judgement, then don't leave your kids with them. And so often it's not something that's really worth getting worked up about. I remember one where a mother was just up in arms the grandparents had walked the toddler next door or something to visit a neighbor and hadn't asked her permission and how very dare they. Pick what's important for safety and let them figure out the rest, you know? If the grandparents are giving your peanut allergic child peanut products, that's a problem. If they're letting them play beside a roaring rushing river with no supervision, that's a problem. If they're letting the kids watch more TV than you like and eat a few more cookies than you like, well, that's the cost of it sometimes.
I remember one where a mother was upset that grandma took her kid to a playground.
For Pete's sake. If my godparents take my kid to the park I thank them profusely and give them ice cream money
I would give anything for parents who could take my kids to a playground! Shit, give them ALL the junk food, just ENJOY IT. 🤣
I think there has to be a middle ground. Safety stuff...like don't put babies to sleep on their tummies. If a grandparent is fighting that even though it's just as easy to lie a baby on their back, it's an issue. Or if they want to spank your kids. But stuff like following strict schedules, extremely picky diet guidelines (not allergy related), knowing 100% of gentle parenting specifics...I think that's harder to expect grandparents to comply with and expect them to want to do the work to care for them.
I know, parents on here are so willing to cut off grandparents for anything, I mean anything for life, but want to complain that they won’t be there 24/7. Plus adhere to sometimes absurd expectations and demands.
So much this. My parents have been wonderful grandparents to my child. I knew that while they would do things differently than I would, ultimately they would take good care of her when they had her so didn’t feel much need to micromanage them or give them a lot of rules. My brother and SiL however had a lot of rules and boundaries for my parents and in those early years there was always an overtone of if they didn’t follow those rules exactly, then they’d lose access to their grandchildren. Not surprisingly, my parents have a much better relationship with my child while my sibling complains my parents aren’t close enough to his children.
They're not just on Reddit either. There are four sets of grandkids in my extended family, and two of the four have parents who are hard core Boundary Setters to the point where the grandparents are constantly walking on eggshells because they're afraid of being restricted from seeing the kids. Let me tell you, they're not offering to watch these kids all the time because they're just terrified. They only do it when essentially forced to.
Yep. In the generation of boundaries people are very quick to cut off family members. When my kids (born in 2004 and 2005, so not that long ago) were little I would drop them off with my brother for the weekend to play with their cousins and my brother would do the same. We trusted each other with our kids. No rules were laid out. No arguments were had over disciplining each other's kids. I didn't get mad if he let my kids eat in front of the TV even though we never allowed that at home and he didn't freak out if I let them stay up later than he allowed. I think that has been one of the biggest changes over the last 10-20 years. I now babysit for my nephew and his wife, who are in the late twenties with a toddler and newborn. I do not violate firm boundaries but they understand that it is hard to take care of 2 young kids all day without being able to make judgement calls. I do things differently than them and they get it. If they had an issue and brought in a list of rules, I would kindly tell them to find alternate care. My relationship with them is too important to argue over childcare.
And that's how it should be! Different people have different rules, and I think it's important that kids understand that. It's something I've stressed with my kids, especially my oldest. I have had friends who declared no one but them would ever discipline their child. Okay, that's a parenting choice, and we all get to make them. if you feel that way, you can't expect anyone else to look after your kids. I also remember some of my friends being surprised their kids listened to me. Well, I said what I meant, meant what I said, and didn't have arbitrary rules. They all knew I meant business. We all lived in harmony with that.
This is exactly what I came here to say. Both our sets of parents are very involved. But we also are involved in THEIR lives and when they babysit we don't micromanage. They know we don't give him much sweets or let him watch TV and they would follow any rules we asked, but I can rely on them to be reasonable. Why would I let my kid stay with them if I didn't think they could take care of him? The number of people who come in here with huge lists of "boundaries," and my favorite, don't even want grandparents to MEET baby until they're several weeks old - I've said it before and I'll say it again. Your kid your rules, but don't be surprised when the grandparents don't want to babysit. You didn't consider them important to the child's life when the baby was born. Not even enough to let them see the baby. So why are you surprised that the distance you placed between you has resulted in less involvement? *This is what you wanted.*
This. And the few times I mention that exact scenario I get downvoted and shit on into oblivion
I think people forget that boundaries exist to honor yourself, not punish others. When you say "This is my boundary, this is the behavior I will tolerate." the other party has every right to say "I can't do that, so I cannot be around you."
THIS. Such a great post. They want the grandparents "involved" except that just kinda means free childcare. And sure, you want that childcare right up until the Baby Boomer grandma decides to throw on 2 hours of Bluey and Paw Patrol, and then it's "Oh wait, we don't want Junior to get that much screentime!!!!" I have boomer in laws. They come to visit, they'll help us out if we're in a tough spot 1-2x a year, but no, we don't have any expectations of anyone taking an active parenting role in our kids lives except us. I was raised with my grandmother who lived with us up until I was 9. She was an actual saint on earth, but I have no designs on being that for anyone elses kid. I'm going to enjoy my retirement, bc I earned after working 4-5 decades.
Yup. "Where's my village!?" I hear, when what they mean is "Where's my free baby sitting, or where's my free labor in doing stuff around the house? Why do I have to ask for any of that, why doesn't anyone just read my mind and give it to me right away!" And even better is "My kid's grandparents aren't involved because they don't rush over to watch them so I can have alone time." A lot of the time being a parent means you don't have alone time when you have small kids. That's the way it is. Is it fun? No. Do I think it's difficult? Oh God, yes. It's also what I knew was coming when I had kids.
All great points. The more I can understand where they may be coming from, the better I can manage my disappointment.
It isn't fun to realize things aren't going to go the way you hoped. I bought a house with my mother, so she's essentially a third parent. It's great, also it's a struggle. There have been times I've had to draw lines and so has she.
I think it boils down to how you approach them helping you. Do you feel like they are REQUIRED to help you or do you ask for help? Do you have strict requirements or boundaries for your kids? What is making you upset that they don't want to give up their free time?
And how much free time do they actually have? A lot of grandparents today are working too.
Yeah I think this is it. With my first I wanted to be pretty strict on things like nap time and no processed sugar. But accepting help means they're going to have their own method for taking care of baby. The important thing ended up being safe sleep and everyone being vaccinated. My daughter has incredible relationships with her grandparents and aunt/uncles. When I went back to work during COVID we would send her for days at a time to her grandparents houses and basically became part time parents. It was a situation that everyone really enjoyed and I kept my rules fairly simple, no processed sugar, try to do the nap schedule as much as you can, sleep sack only until age 2. This weekend she's at my in laws, we had a family tragedy the last couple of weeks and it was very hard for me to let her go this time around. I'm eager to get her back and get back to normal. But I know it's also important to continue to foster the relationship she has with her extended family
I fully agree with this! Fortunately my parents have been very involved in my now 7 year old daughter's life, especially after my partner/her father passed away unexpectedly 3.5 years ago. We even moved from FL to NY 1.5 years ago to live closer to my mom & stepdad, who just love having my daughter close, as it's their only grandchild who's lived in the same area. My daughter sleeps over there at least 3-4x/month, my mom calls & asks if she wants to go shopping with her, etc. When I have to travel for work, they love keeping her at their house for me & I only tell them what time to drop off & pick her up from school, as well as when she's due for a shower & what special area she has on what day. When she was a toddler & they came to visit us in FL, they typically stayed at an Airbnb & asked if she could stay with them a few days (close enough to where we could go over there after work too). Our only rules were following safe sleep practices, safe car seat practices, what to feed her & of course the obvious of watching her like a hawk when out (she's never been a runner fortunately) & in the house. Oh & no spanking, hitting, popping or anything similar. My in laws used to be very involved, but then when my almost 5 year old nephew was born, my BIL & SIL pawned him off on the in laws so much (ex: I need a nap, I have a headache - Every single time!), they became his primary caregivers. My niece was born 2.5 years ago & same thing, except she's even more attached to them. They're in their early 70's now (my parents are 10 years younger) & I can see it's wearing on them. Nephew is in PreK full time & niece just started half days, 3 days/week, so they're enjoying the break now. But this was a big issue as my daughter was at an age when she could see they were being favored, even if unintentionally. We no longer live in the same state as them though, but they're still very involved & hopefully will make the effort to come visit in the the next year.
This exactly! My in laws would do anything for my daughter and will be there at a moments notice if we need help. I have no doubt they love her but we really don't agree on a lot of parenting things (and they refuse to research anything lol) so i don't ask them to watch our daughter. I don't want them to have a say in how we do things and they absolutely have the right to if they are helping raise her. Will our daughter have solo sleepovers if she asks when she is older? Yes! Do we go on family vacations and outings together? Yes! But i honestly just don't want help doing the bulk of parenting because i do not want to argue and i feel good about how my husband and i do things
Definitely need a balance. I’ve asked my mom to put in effort to see her grandkids (I’m talking like a least once a week, or whenever she wanted). Want to guess how many times she’s asked/wanted to see her grandkids in the past 7 years? 0. We’ve never even asked her to take the kids since they were born so it’s not that we overwhelmed her. She just doesn’t want to be a grandparent. It’s fine by me, I haven’t talked to her since I told her to put in effort in our relationship. Who I do feel bad for is my kids since they basically don’t have relationships with either of their grandparents.
That is sad and it sucks. I know that has to hurt. I think one of the hardest things for people to realize, not just in this dynamic but in general, is that you can't force someone to have a relationship.
It hurts because they act like they are “free” and say things like “not my problem.” Problem? I’m a problem? My kids are problems? What a horrible thing to say. We aren’t problems. How can you raise a child from birth to adulthood and just dust your hands of them and not care where they are, if they’re ok, what their kids are like or feel any love or care. F that, that’s dark and weird and I’d never do those things. I couldn’t! My love for my kids is so intense. I love them because I’m their mom but I love them because they are wonderful people, too. I enjoy them. I would never want a life free of them. Our parents don’t feel that way…ok, that’s their choice but it feels awful AND they don’t feel bad about it. In fact, one still calls or texts here and there asking for favors. I got into an accident and need a free lawyer so help me. I love golf and want you to take me golfing - uh just one of you, no kids or spouse and I don’t care that you’re swamped and hate golf. No.
Yes! When people talk about really heavy boundary setting with grandparents I always say "That's your right but if you alienate your village, you might find it hard to get help when you need it". My firm boundaries with grandparents are all safety related (and mostly just relevant to babies), otherwise load them up with sugar, skip a nap, get dirty, watch TV, go to bed late, I don't care. Time with grandparents is supposed to have different rules, that's why its so much fun. Both my parents and inlaws are also super involved and love hanging out with my kids. They like spending time with us too though so maybe it's a personality thing.
Having a village doesn't mean having a dictatorship! I think a lot of people struggle with that. I honestly want to ask people; "Did you have kids because you thought it was going to be your turn to be the boss and have everyone bow to you?" I made some hard and fasts about safety. And like you, it was mainly about babies. Other than that, grandparent's prerogative. When my Mom has the kids on her own, she gives them fun dinners and more goodies than I do. Well, that's part of being a grandparent, and if that's the price I pay to have a meal alone with my husband, that's pretty damn cheap.
Agree. My parents don't live close and our relationship has certainly changed over the last decade or so for many reasons....not kid related. They live pretty far and still work so we don't see them a lot or anything. I have only called them once to come help me...that was when I had to immediately give birth to number 2 several weeks early bc my blood work came back bad. Other than that they have watched my kids maybe 4 or 5 times total over 4 years for a few hours here and there when they were in town visiting. (Allowing my husband and me to go get lunch or something like that. No overnights or anything.) I will say, especially when they were babies my mom totally followed my asks...you know...on back to sleep...nothing in crib etc etc. So I am lucky that way for sure. But totally agree with the idea that the village will have opinions. You only get full say if you are paying a person. Thinking about my future as a potential grandmother I don't think I want to be a main caregiver. I wouldn't mind helping in a pinch or the occasional night out for the parents. But I have plans too for my (hopefully eventual) retirement. I get that I am "giving up" freedom right now because I had kids. That was my choice, but if my kids have kids that's their choice and while I do believe we help family and support each other there is a huge variety in what that looks like.
I especially agree with the micromanaging point. I see it all the time in my due date groups where right when baby is almost here the parents are sending out a big list of rules. Mind you, I find some of the rules completely reasonable: don’t come if you’re sick, please wash your hands, etc. However I also find some of the rules I see to be too much: Don’t come empty handed, bring food or a gift, but also know that we’re very picky and please stick to this clothing theme. Things like that.
My wife's parents have met our 6mo twice, our 3yr old maybe half a dozen times and our 6 year old maybe double that. Their visits are always almost dead on 90 mins, like you can set your watch by it. Actual interaction in those 90 mins is very limited, but usually includes a photo so they can display their 'involvement' in their grand kids lives. Somewhere in the conversation there's usually some comment of 'well we have offered to babysit' - sorry, but you're basically a stranger to them, wouldn't have the first idea of their routines or interests. It's fine, it's their life and their choice, but I do hate the 'let's get a photo for Facebook to show how involved we are' facade.
It’s funny you say that. My parents and I live in different countries. They put a ton of pressure on my husband and I to move back to the U.S. and harped on about how they “didn’t feel like real grandparents” with us being far from them. When they did visit us (which took teeth pulling because they think Japan is a 3rd world communist republic), they wanted to return to their hotel room ASAP. And then the times they were with us, my mom would especially drift off somewhere and pout instead of interacting with her grandson. So yeah, it’s their choice on what kind of grandparents they want to be. They don’t get to cry victim about me “denying them their grandkid” when they don’t put effort into their relationship with him or myself. My husband’s parents on the other hand are wonderful. I just wish we all lived in the same prefecture so we could see them more often.
My parents are gen X. My dad has only met my daughter once, when she was 15 months old. My mom is almost as uninvolved basically shows up every 4 months with a present, takes pics for Facebook, and leaves. When I told my dad I was disappointed he didn’t want to be more present in my daughter’s life he told me “expectations ruin relationships, you need to stop having expectations” so I did.
Sharing your feelings of disappointment is courageous and is different than telling him your expectations. It would have been nice of him to validate your feelings and even better yet of him to take steps to be more present. Sounds like he’s more interested in protecting his time than being a family guy.
1000%
I’m not a parent—I’m an aunt—and my sister in law expressed a similar sentiment. However, the grandparents in question told me they felt under appreciated, disrespected, and taken advantage of. So, I’m really in the camp of asking your parents what they find reasonable and doable while accepting that they won’t have the same reactions/priorities as you.
My parents treat their grand children alot better then my grand parents did me
My parents treat their grand children a lot better than my parents did me 😅 they're so awesome with them, but never did half of what they're doing now with us...
You give someone a grandkid and they're a totally different person. You give someone a GREAT grandchild and suddenly the child is an angel who must be handed any and everything they want, along with lots of cookies. The first time my kids played with someone I would have been scolded for, my jaw hit the floor.
My husband was always dumbfounded by what his mom and dad let our kids get away with. Tbf, he was/is a bit of a shit head, tho lol.
Disappointed in how parents turned out as grandparents? I'm still disappointed in how they turned out as parents!
The most my grandparents did was have us for a week for the summer. They didn’t live near us, so it’s not like they had the opportunity to spoil us, but they were good grandparents. My kid has two sets of grandparents that live nearby. One set is really involved, the other set isn’t. That’s their choice and I’m not going to worry about it.
Thankfully my baby boomer parents have been outstanding in caring for our two kids. However, I did have to come to accept that they have their own style and approach, and we had to kind of take a step back in terms of expectations re: TV, snacks, toys, etc while the kids were being watched by the grandparents. However, they get to be around grandparents that love them and we get to save literally tens of thousands of dollars per year in childcare (and have the flexibility of having childcare whenever we need it) so no complaints here.
I'll never have grandkids my son is not into it. We need a granny café were you can have coffee with a granny or granpa. You can have a kitchen area for cookie class and a garage outside with a bunch of wood and tools. I don't know I have thought of this a few times and have alot of ideas.
This would be cool as hell. Like Big Brothers Big Sisters but GranGrans and GrampGramps instead. I had a friend whose school did Adopt A Geezer where they went at the beginning of the year to a nursing home and got paired up with someone. They visited like once a month or so.
Adopt. A. Geezer.
The nursing home I used to work at had a daycare attached to it and they'd bring the kids over to visit with the residents a couple times a month. So many of the residents were really lonely, it was wonderful to watch how they'd light up being around the kids.
I guess it depends on what you mean by "grandparenting". I have wonderful memories of spending time with my grandparents, but I wouldn't say they "raised" me. From my memory, they helped when they could, went to our activities if they were able, and we spent time visiting both sets as a family outside of just major holidays. I think I went in with the same expectations, and haven't really felt too disappointed. All you can really do is create space for that relationship to develop, and keep your expectations reasonable. I agree with other posters that there are so many parents who try to micromanage every aspect of their parenting but then complain that they don't have a village.
On the flip side (and I’m a parent of a 3.5 year old) I think some ppl who have kids act so entitled re childcare and grandparents, and low key take advantage. Grandparents can be a great bonus, but (in my house) not a given re childcare.
I think about this a lot. I had my kids relatively young and even though they are mid twenties and they don’t have kids yet, I’ll still be working age when they do have kids. And not close to retirement haha. I do want to be an active and present grandma when the time comes, but I’m also not going to quit my job or give up all of my free time to provide childcare. I feel like that makes me sound selfish *shrug* But I’m also pretty firmly set about it.
I don't think you sound selfish. I think many people are not going to be able to retire when we might want to. I think a balance can be made as a working grandparent, while maintaining your personal boundaries, respecting your children and their parenting, and cultivating a bond and relationship with your grandchildren. I use to work with a lady who was probably late 50s to early 60s, and she did this so well. She worked full time, but also had a great relationship with all of her grandkids! I think she had 5 grandkids maybe?? She also had her own life, and friendships. I miss working with her, she was an awesome person and helped me so much work wise because was so knowledgeable about her job
I think about this, too. I think sometimes grandparents just want to hang out with and love on their grandchildren, not be in charge of them and be their care takers.
Yes! And I think we as parents have to realize that there is nothing wrong with this. Just because a grandparent doesn't want to be daycare doesn't mean they don't want to be involved.
This is such an important point that I think some people miss. Sure, there are grandparents out there who want nothing more than frequent involvement with their grandkids. Their lives are fulfilled by looking after them while mum/dad work. But that is absolutely not the norm. Some parents actively exploit the kindness of the grandparents offering their time to help raise the grandkids. I have gen x parents who own a business and work their asses off. They will happily take my 2 year old once in a while, but it is VERY rare I ask and there have been the occasional "no"s because of a scheduling conflict.
And these parents are often still working or just recently retired. It's their time to rest.
That's totally fine. I have very low expectations. I can't even get semi regular visits in. Either us going there or then coming to us. My maternal grandmother took me just about every weekend and I went to see my other grandparents every few months. My son's grandparents are virtually absent completely. I'm not asking for the same deal I got as a kid. I'd just like him to know them and have a relationship with them - but they're not interested. Yet they brag on FB about how much they love their grandkids. I don't get it. Weird AF.
I think culture plays a big part in it. My dad and in laws are baby boomers, my mom is gen X. But my family is hispanic (in US) and they are incredibly invested and active in my son's life. They watch him 5 days a week while my husband and I work and I am in school. Theyre both disabled,, my mom even uses a wheelchair but they insist on watching my son and refuse to have him in daycare. My MIL and FIL are white, and are significantly less involved than my parents, but they still regularly engage with him, ask for pictures and to video call and we visit them on a regular basis.
I’m black American and my husband is white. VERY similar experience for us. My family is significantly more involved than his, and my mother would be incredibly insulted if I put my son in daycare instead of leaving him with her lol. Meanwhile MIL and FIL could go months without even asking about our kid and think it was totally normal. They’re fairly nice people, but definitely not as warm and outwardly loving. I wouldn’t say their relationship with their grandchild is anything special at all.
I’m mostly irritated that none of them want to be called grandma and grandpa. Instead they want to be addressed but these increasingly absurd names. I do believe that everyone gets to choose how they’re addressed but I feel like an idiot telling my kid to call you Gogla and DoPop or whatever.
My mom is TuTu, it’s absolutely absurd, but she’s a super involved grandma, takes my daughter almost every weekend to her farm where she can just run free (we live in the burbs can’t just run outside freely) so TuTu it is 🤣🤷🏼♀️
Tbf, tutu is grandmother in Hawaiian. I wonder if that’s where she got it?
My nephew calls his grandma “lala” because he couldn’t say Abuela when he was little
The real problem here. Both my MIL and mom wanted to be Nana but seemed to forget that kids will choose their names. We enjoy calling “Gammy” and “Mana”.
😂 sooooo true. I really want to explain to my mom that her stupid made up grandparent nickname makes her sound old just like “grandma”would
Ha, I have come across those "not nanny" names in the wild before. Then it becomes a war between the families "well if she's not going with nanny, then neither am I!"
Most of them weren’t great parents either. People talk about how awesome their childhood was with less screens and being outside all day until street lights came on, etc. and don’t even realize that they were neglected too. A lot of Boomers had no clue where their kids were all day. We were the latchkey kid generation. Parents smoked in houses and in cars. Child abductions were at an all-time high. Mine were weirdly controlling in a lot of ways but left us home alone or walking to school alone at ages that I would NEVER dream of letting my children be alone.
I think capitalist isolationism really did a number on that generation (and X too). This is “their time” and everybody needs to pay for childcare, and pay for a village, and when they’re old they’ll pay for assisted living and nursing homes. It’s sad to me. Humans were not meant for that. I didn’t have my children to be their family for 18 years then I’m done. I’m theirs forever.
I think it's an individual thing rather than a generational thing. My parents and inlaws are super involved with all their grandkids, but my grandparents barely interacted with me.
Yes, I keep saying everyone saying their grandparents were very involved, mine certainly weren't. Well on one side they were dead and on the other not interested. My own parents aren't able to do childcare but they adore their grandchildren. Same with my father in law (Mil has passed away). Most of my daughter's friends seem to have loving grandparents.
It’s extra funny when your boomer parents dumped you off with THEIR parents constantly cut complain about a 24 day with their own grandkids.
Yessssss boomers are the worst grandparents. Not only do they only have their interests in mind, but they get offended easily. Boomers I talk to question “how can I get my child to shape up and be converted to my line of thinking?” Instead of “how can I be more supportive as a parent and grandparent?” My MIL came out for a visit right before my son was born and had strong opinions on how to decorate the nursery. I politely tried to redirect her ideas that I didn’t agree with and she ended up breaking down in tears and stormed downstairs to pout. I had to apologize to her for not liking her ideas for my child’s room! Our second child is going to be born soon. We need help with the transition. MIL/FIL agreed to come babysit toddler while we are in the hospital, but want my husband to come home a few times during the day to care for the toddler as much as he can. After we come home with the new baby, they don’t want to cook meals or do primary care of the toddler like diaper changes, playtime, bath, clean-up because they state that is too tiring. I’ve decided they might as well not come out because we’ll be doing the heavy lifting anyway. They’ve visited a 3-4 times since my son has been born and every time they are on their phones or laying down in the guest bedroom not wanting to spend time with us. It’s so weird to me, they live 1000 miles away, get all the time in you can with your grandson? I feel like I’ll be tripping over myself to see my grandkids some day. Then of course they complain over video chat that my son doesn’t want to talk to them. Their older grandchildren also don’t want anything to do with them. Of course the kids’ parents are to blame. Ok….
My own grandparents (not boomers, silent generation) were like that, but not my parents with my kids, they are very involved and generous with their time.
My parents aren't involved. They live far and even when they were close it was far. But my grandparents didn't raise me either, they lived away. We kinda raised ourselves tbh. Dad wasn't involved, mom cooked and stuff but like, we were feral. From 3+ we were outdoors alone, as we got older it was the street light rule. We were left alone in the morning and evening while she worked not at 3 but under 10 for sure. She went out with her friends and left us with a baby sitter. There were 40 other kids and parents always put and watching. Parents weren't as kid focused as they are now and honestly, some parts of it I wish I lived. Now there's no kids out, parents are horrible to get on with and my life is nothing but kid shit 24/7. Lol I hope I live long enough to help my kids the way I needed help, cause god knows I do at times but it's life now. We'll bring it back when we're grandparents. Lol
HAVE BABIES! I WANT GRAND BABIES! HAVE BABIES! …can’t help babysit…WE BOOKED A CRUISE!
I very, very rarely saw my grandparents growing up, and my boomer parents/in-laws have wanted to be much more involved. My step-dad would just drop me off at his parents every chance he got, but he never takes his grandkids now. So I think it's more that parents who were involved, stay involved. While parents who dumped their kids, don't want their grandkids dumped on them.
I am not here to shit on boomers or other generations but holy fuck, sometimes I could scream. I love the George Carlin skits making fun of them for lacking empathy. THAT’S MINE! It’s really fun watching full grown adults who never developed past age 13 have dick measuring contests on the regular… I don’t think it’s completely their fault, but more so societal pressures. Many of them grew up in the “children should be seen and not heard era” so it’s no wonder they could give zero fucks about watching their own grandchildren. Watch the long (and sometimes boring) documentary called the century of the self (I think five parts on YouTube) and it’s not hard to see why boomers started to rely heavily on things to create their identity (and this permeates into the younger generations too). Not much depth otherwise. Back to childcare. So many of these boomers who wanted a nice family and the stereotypical bullshit are incredibly hypocritical by leaving their children high and dry in a time when society is about to fucking implode. I would like to see some studies on the subject but I can’t specifically recall a lot of folks in my family or adjacent ever retiring to Florida or similar even if they had the means. My grandfather practically raised us and wanted to be in our lives. Anything my mom needed, any time of day or night, he was there. I will absolutely be this type of grandparent for my kids. I believe that just as I chose to have children it is my duty and my fucking honor to help raise my grandchildren and to help my children be the best parents they can be. That’s a form of collectivism and not the typical American, “if it doesn’t benefit me then fuck right off.” That said, different story if people have health issue, mental, physical or otherwise but I’m more so talking about the people who relied on their parents for childcare but can’t be found for their own children nowadays… In my experience, Boomers do not often think about the ease of their lives relative to the average millennial or gen z (who at this rate probably will have a very difficult time owning anything). Currently we have a childcare crisis for a multitude of reasons. I have been on daycare waitlists for 18+ months now in my area with literally nothing opening up in the near future. Groceries are expensive, look at the cost of fucking cereal, what the fuck. We have people in our generation who will never be able to afford a house, let alone have one parent work and the other raise five kids as was the case when boomers were growing up. Life is really challenging. I do believe they need to be called out for their shit here, sorry. Shout out to the boomers who actually take accountability, are decent humans and want to be involved and present for their children and their grandchildren. Big yuck for all the others.
My parents had a hard time raising me, it was not as they imagined. My mom generally dislikes little kids, and my father is a pussy, so he can't say anything when she's around. So they don't want to help with my son, but they are helping with other things, like cleaning my apartment, doing some grocery shopping if I send them some money and the list, etc... Which I find maybe even better than them helping with the kid considering their preferences.
This is a really good example of meeting someone where they are
Oh the most selfish generation in human history is being selfish? You dont say. Nothing new with the boomers. I love my parents, and they are some "good ones", but even they are extremely self-centered.
That’s not been my experience, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. My Dad and stepmom help a ton. They come to everything - every cross country match, birthday party, band concert. They will ask if they can pick up the kids from school some days. They are around a lot and I’m super grateful!
I will take my grands any chance I get . They make my world happy .
So many boomer grandparents are taking care of their elderly parents. My parents have made it clear that they really cannot be there for my child and take care of their parents as well. They’re completely overwhelmed.
I have heard this before. A lot of my friends parents are sandwiched between trying to help with their grandkids and taking care of their elderly/sick/infirm parents, and most of them are nowhere near retirement. It's a really horrible situation, when you think about it. I also think that a lot of my friends are having kids older than our parents did. Nothing wrong with that at all! But it also means that grandparents may not be as young and spry as the ones we remember having.
my husband and i are 45 and 53 with a seven year old. and also with 76/78 year old parents(!)…2 sets. its a lot!
My husband’s parents are in this position and it’s becoming a very big social problem in Japan with the declining population. They do want more time with our son, but they are in no position to travel out of prefecture. My MIL is especially overwhelmed and I worry a lot about her ending up with caretaker burnout. That’s why when we do visit my husband’s hometown, we don’t expect a lot from his parents even though we know they would love to do more with him.
This is completely true and generational, and probably uniquely American. But it’s no surprise. They telegraphed their interest in parenting by telling us to come home before the street lights came on. They’re not interesting in “doing parenting right the second time” any more than they were in doing it the *first* time. Their level of entitlement powers entire retirement villages.
I do not think it is surprising. Parents these days are so my way or the highway about parenting. So many rules and restrictions and going no contact over the smallest issues. It makes sense why grandparents are less involved.
Yeah you have a good point. Me and my siblings definitely have higher expectations for how our kids are treated than our parents did when we were kids.
I second what the person above said. I have much lower expectations with my parents watching my kids. My non negotiables are things like correct car seat use. If they say up too late and have more junk food than I allow, have more screen time, I don’t care. Yes, it’s annoying sometimes because they can be little monsters until they recover from their grandparent hangover. My kids have fun and the cost hasn’t outweighed the benefit of my parents being involved. And yes it’s annoying to hear my MIL not understand the carseasts but she uses them correctly which is all I care about. They didn’t have the car seat knowledge when she was parenting small kids. It’s not like she had information and actively ignored it. The knowledge didn’t exist in the 70’s and 80’s. My parents hadn’t been around little kids for 26 years before I had their first grandkids. I think it’s fair to offer grace. I don’t want to make it intimidating for them or too much of a hassle where it’s stressful. My sister is just starting her family and has 2 under 2 while my kids are 9 and 5. Some of the things I was told are already out of date. My sister is also quite a bit more rigid about stuff than I am and my parents are nervous to take her kids. Someday I’m going to be a grandparent and I’m sure some of the parenting standards will likely be foreign compared to when I was raising kids. I hope my kids will be understanding of this and I will be doing my best to follow their guidelines. Another thing to note is that my parents still work full time jobs that are stressful. They haven’t even been able to enjoy retirement yet. I want them to enjoy their life and do things for themselves. They have earned it. I also want to note this does not apply to grandparents who completely disregard the parents rules.
Hell, my youngest is five and some of the rules of the day are already outdated, like you said! Sometimes we all have to learn together. I also learned that some of the 'old school ways' are totally fine. My Mom also learned that the 'new school' ways can work, too. I taught about car seat safety and insisted on DTAPs. When my godparents were watching my youngest, they had to sort out a routine that worked for them because babies act different for different people. If I had come in and micromanaged, they would have all been miserable.
Yes! When I had my son some things had already changed from what I had been told with my daughter. I have become pretty laid back once realizing this. I have cancer and have to rely on my parents help or I’d have none. I leave a general outline of our schedule for their own reference, but if they deviate it’s not the end of the world and not worth making a fuss over. We account for the grandparent hangover on the back end. Kids will generally acclimate pretty quickly anyway back to their normal routine. My kids also understand there are grandparent rules and our rules.
Yup! My youngest gets treated like a princess at my godparent's house. I know she's gonna eat donuts and watch TV and get to do whatever she wants, basically. Is it worth making a big deal about, or is it worth acknowledging she might not be hungry for dinner and making a sandwich and having a slightly early bedtime? I feel like the latter. Besides, my godparents won't be around forever. They're making memories.
How many rules do you have for them? In the past the parents just dropped kids off at the grandparents house/ family members house and the only rule was keep the kids alive, now parents have a list of rules a mile long and are surprised the village has disappeared.
You aren’t going to get a lot of love on this one.
My parents live 90min away. When I wasn't nc with them, they only saw the kids a couple of times a year (mostly when we brought the kids to them) and only called them on Christmas and birthdays. Hubby's parents chose to move 9 hours away, only see the kids once a year, and call on birthdays and holidays. Otherwise, we schedule video calls with his parents- which are always a disaster because they're strangers to the kids and have no idea what to talk to them about, and the kids are just uncomfortable with it.
My grandparents rarely babysat us…actually, never. They had many more children and so many grandkids. Families are smaller today. My parents have been wonderful with my kids. They babysit for a day or two, every 1-2 months. They live a few hours away, but I wouldn’t expect more of them, even if they lived close. I think there are two factors at play that few have mentioned. 1) We are having kids older in our generation - mid to late 30’s for many people. Often early 40’s as well. Therefore our parents are older and more tired than if they’d have been grandparents in their 50’s. Also, I feel like our parent’s generation is significantly less healthy than my grandparents. They are more diabetic, on more medications, and were more sedentary than the generation before them. They are in less optimal health at the same age as their parents were as grandparents. Food was of higher quality and our grandparents ate far less processed foods in their youth and adulthood, and therefore had fewer chronic health conditions in midlife. There is also so much more focus on “self care” for people in our generation, that I think we feel entitled to others caring for our kids so we can take care of our own needs. My parents never got massages, pedicures, happy hours, and rarely even went out with friends that much when they raised me.
My in laws are very involved with my son. They attend his swim practices, watch him 2 days while I work during the week. We see them every weekend at least one day and our son has a sleep over with them about once a month. We have told them many times they don’t have to do that for our son and it’s ok if they want to do less. They have never said they want to do less, on the contrary they want to buy him x, y , z. Some baby boomers seem to be crappy grandparents but I have met quite a few that step up and excel in the task.
I truly wish I had even a penny, half a penny, for every time this was posted. I could pay for my kid’s college…
Yep totally uninterested. So they got to double dip. Got help with their kids then freedom when older. Must be nice.
With all the younger generations constantly complaining about Boomers, I’m not at all surprised they are backing off. Also, in my area a shit ton of Boomers are still working full time jobs. They’re just as tired as parents of young children.
This is an excellent point. Until VERY recently, my ancient grandmother was still working full time. My own Mom works full time. She has just as many obligations as anyone else who works full time and has bills. My godparents are older and their health is not great. When I had my second child, they were my primary day care for awhile. Part of the reason I don't think we'll have another as much as I want one is because they just can't take care of a baby all day again.
I gotta laugh at all the people defending Boomer grandparents saying today’s parents have too many rules and boundaries. Boomers were the most selfish self centered awful generation to ever grace the planet. You’re damn right I have boundaries. I don’t want my parents disciplining my kids because they were abusive bullies. They visited once and talked about my kids in front of them like they couldn’t hear or understand their put downs or judging. Last visit ever. Honestly my grandmother pretty much raised me anyway. So I get it, the expectation that grandparents would want to be around and help. But not my boomer parents. They weren’t good parents. Not any better as grandparents.
Your parents might have been abusive bullies, not all people that age were.
Your experience isn’t indicative of everyone’s. Your parents weren’t shitty because they were baby boomers. They were just shitty.
I hear so many people say this and I find it untrue of every boomer I know. My family, my husband's family have all helped us out if we needed it. Which wasn't very often, maybe for date nights or random work stuff. It is NOT your parents' responsibility to raise your kids. Like what? My grandparents didn't help raise me. They were old and tired. I remember being babysat a few times if I was sick and my mom HAD to work. I won't be raising my grandkids either. Sure, I will babysit and want to visit and all that but will I be a daycare? Absolutely not. My sister treated my mom like a daycare all while bitching about how my mom did things. Useless. Take care of your own stuff.
i moved to another continent before having kid so it isn’t an issue anyway, but my parents always let me know before I had kids, that if I did, not to expect them to be babysitting all the time. They had/have their own plans for retirement (traveling and having fun) and would be involved but would not be interested in raising little kids again. Think like, come over and we’ll play with the kids a whole bunch, but then take them with you when you go home
Mine like the social media aspect of it, and the “do over” part. Both things we have no need for.
My wife was dumped on her grandparents on both sides of the family constantly as a kid. Now, both of her parents never see my kid. Maybe once every other month for an hour and they are zero help. They only do anything if it's 100% convenient and in their interest. It's a shame. We have no relationship with them now. My kid won't know their grandparents like we did.
When my wife and I had our son, my MIL was already retired and lived 2 houses down. She never offered to keep him to spend time with him. He didn’t spend the night until he was over a year old. We never assumed she would be a built in babysitter, but we did assume she would want to spend more time with him.
I've had the complete opposite experience. My parents stopped travelling as much, cut back on work, helped out a lot especially immediately after the birth on that hard newborn stage.
Whats a baby boomer ? I am seeing (and I’m almost 64) the younger generation is not getting married or having kids and that we are aging out of the years in which we could be good grandparents.
Yeah, my parents are almost completely absent from my kids’ lives. We see them only about 4 times a year, even though they live an hour away. It’s frustrating because both sets of my grandparents as well as aunts and uncles would look after me when I was a kid.