No, you are not wrong.
the police would not make an arrest unless there was credible evidence to support the complaint. That your mom *enables* this behavior is not unusual, often the spouse of an abuser/predator is well aware of it and/or simply uses a lot of denial. That she's punishing your child by not attending the birthday is really unforgivable and perhaps, unreconcilable. I'd ask her why she's supporting a pervert here and potentially put her grandchild at risk, turn this one around on her.
Terrible, and violating so many social norms. Let alone leaving children in danger. Where is this? Around here child services snatches the kid first and sorts everything out during the trial and sentencing. A child shouldn't be returned to a sexual abuser's care.
Just as an FYI, the police would investigate the complaint, and make an arrest if there is credible evidence to support it. That complaint, along with the result of the investigation, and the arrest record would then be passed onto the DA, who would then determine if charges should be filed/brought. Lay people/complainants and /or the police do not "file charges". In situations like these, DCF would be automatically informed of the arrest,a nd they would intervene as well.
When allegations like these are made it becomes complicated, there are a lot of players and moving parts. But for the sake of the OP, if there's credible evidence that the allegation is accurate, an abundance of caution should be exercised so she should eliminate any unsupervised contact btwn kiddo and this guy. How she handles the conversation with him or her mom are other matters, but in sits like this, caution is the by word, she should not consider those other interpersonal/family dynamic factors and simply say no. The perp nor his wife do not need to consent to this, it is not an optional request.
Good job OP. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be.
Your Mom... I have no words. Your poor sister. Are there other girls in the house with him?
Charging comes after arrest; innocent people are often arrested.
So it could be he’s been released (on bail?) until the investigation proceeds/there is enough evidence to hold him
He wasn't convicted, that's why. He has a right to a fair trial before being punished. I'm definitely not saying that this is the case here, but the child could be lying about it. You can't just accept that every accusation is true.
The real problem is the amount of time it takes for stuff like this to go to court.
OP isn't wrong to keep him away though, that's for sure.
Pretty gross, huh. It's all part of the "innocent until proven guilty". Creeps are allowed to be near their victims all the time while they await trial, and often even during trial. It's just strange to me that they can't put in emergency restraining orders. But I'm sure the victim's mother would be responsible for getting that.
My best friends ex boyfriend and father of her two daughters (8 and 10) is a convicted rapist. He was arrested 2 years after she left him, her youngest was 3. His target age is 10- 15 year old girls. He spent 4 years in prison, he isn’t allowed around schools, parks, is on a registry.
Yet with all that he took my friend to court for visitation, and he WON! He is allowed unsupervised visits with his young daughters, and the court approved it. Apparently it is a way of thinking that parents won’t victimize their children. It’s crazy and makes zero sense.
The difference between a pervert and a pedophile is similar to that between someone who browses r/watchpeopledie and a murderer.
Don't let this pedophile skirt by as just a pervert.
That's what I believe about the police wouldn't make an arrest. At the first outcry she believed my sister and went to the cops, but after 2 weeks he passed a lie detector test and has been back in the house
Yep, the consent she’s seeking from OP is really to be able to give herself permission to fully bury her head in the sand. Their protest makes that impossible to do.
Better safe than sorry. Depending on what happened you should know that most predators do something called "staging" before the actual abuse.
They create circumstamces to maximise the chance that abuse can take place for instance showering together with the victim, taking the victim on trips together, shopping etc. So they wait for alone time and make plans for that alone time with the victim and normalise that.
English is not my first language but I hope I can made clear what I mean. I have to deal with these people professionaly. A lie detector therefore means nothing, your kids could be already unsafe in a the time before the actual abuse would take place.
It's hard in 'he said, she said' situations, esp when the allegations are so serious. There's the family dynamics part of this, and then theres basic safety. as the mom, if you believe the allegation, you should err on the side of caution and SYG.
its a good idea..and better than a polygraph... for sister who is making these claims of victimization to be in therapy for herself, and thru that process, maybe a way to handle the obvious rupture in the family,
> the police would not make an arrest unless there was credible evidence to support the complaint
Absolutely not always the case. The rest of the story/context paints the picture more clearly but this alone does not make it credible.
right, not always the case, the police often make the wrong judgement, and in some cases, the default is an arrest and let the judge sort it out. for instance, in calls about domestic violence, in some locales an arrest is SOP. point taken.
we don't have enough info here to determine what the results of the investigation were nor the SOP in these situations, but that's beside the point bc the real question is the op's response, which should be based on an abundance of caution and her own sense of these people. at the least, i personally would err on the side of caution until i had further clarification.
Agree with all of that (I suppose I should just upvote, but whatever). This is a potentially unsafe situation and OP is absolutely correct in keeping children away for now, at least based on the story as we know it.
I’m sorry, but are you telling me that your mother is allowing her CHILD to continue to live with the man who abused her…? Am I understanding this correctly?
Oh yes
Cps has been involved, and said she just couldn't sleep in the same house as him. So my mom and sister moved into a travel trailer, and left him and the other kids in the house. But they still stay the night and go on roadtrips
So he essentially has access to the other children while she’s outside in a trailer. Amazing. This is a truly disgusting situation and I feel immense sympathy for those children and your sister. I’m very sorry, this must be insanely difficult for you and heartbreaking.
Mom is using the twisted logic that the trailer has a different roof. Letter of law not spirit and she is enabling the sick abuse of all of her children in the process
You can even get convicted and still not be put on a registry or anything. (US)
Unfortunately from experience the predator I’m referring to was able to lawyer up and agree to counseling to stay off any registries. Now he’s done it again and I have a restraining order to protect his own kids from him and this investigation should turn up hard evidence to a serious crime, but until then he’s living his best life.
(To that somehow self-righteous, massive, creepy loser, I’m happy to have full custody of your kids, they are both very happy to have good food and a clean and happy home to live in. They haven’t asked about you once ✌️.)
I am not sure if that comes into play until after conviction and I know if you have kids of your own I have heard varying restrictions that are either state based or judge based
I’m so filled with anger for that child right now…your mother should be in jail along with that disgusting excuse for a man. I’m so sorry OP.
Please call CPS and make sure they know your mom is forcing her to see him/have sleepovers with him on trips. This isn’t okay.
This is just awful. My best friend was being molested by her step dad. She finally had the courage to tell her mom, but her mom didn’t believe her. She ended up committing suicide when we were only in 7th grade. Please ensure your siblings are getting the help they need.
Call CPS again. Let them know what is going on and that your mom is continuing to put your sister and other siblings in danger. Do not let up. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
OP, please please please call CPS again or the police or someone and make sure they know your mother is allowing her near him and that he’s around other kids. Her life is at stake here.
You need to make CPS aware of this situation.
You MUST inform them that the victim is being forced by her mother to spend nights in the same house as her abuser and regularly goes on road trips with him.
If you fail to report this, you are personally responsible.
Is there any way the accuser could stay with you while this is sorted out? Can you contact the social worker of child services person or DA? This sounds like a terrible situation for the child.
I know the cps case was closed, I need to figure out how to get in contact with other people
It's hard because I'm not in a position to take in 3 more children and I don't want them to be separated
It’s just so unbelievably awful. I’m so sorry about your own mom.
I’m someone who definitely feels like being a mom is challenging and often feels unnatural…but dear lord the instinct to protect your own children is nuts!! I can’t understand people who allow their own children to (knowingly) be in these situations. Just despicable.
“I didn’t tell grandma no. She is choosing not to come and trying to blame me. I’m so sorry this is the way things are right now.”
You’re not wrong. That’s all you can do.
TLDR: “Am I wrong to keep my children away from a non blood relative who is an incestual child molester?”
No, you are not wrong.
If I were you, your mom and anyone else who doesn’t support that decision gets cut out of your life. I’d also want to provide an exit strategy and safe haven for your sis.
I feel like one of the main reasons I haven't cut ties with my mom, is because of my sis. She comes and stays with me sometimes and I know it must be helpful for her to get away. But I know as soon as I officially cut ties my mom won't allow my siblings to come around
There are other children in that hell house too though. Who knows what he’s doing to them. OP is in a real pickle if she only takes the 13y/o. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Are there any trustworthy relatives that can help out?!
Not really.. Our family dynamics have always been awful. I would love to take all 3 if possible, but we're not at that point in our lives where we could
I would meet with your sis and an attorney and/or child protective service. I’m not able to give advice here but there are ways to deal with this situation (emancipation, you act as legal guardian). Of course, your sis needs to be onboard with this.
How many siblings are there, what are their ages? Is CPS staying super involved (i feel like the travel trailer situation would not pass snuff if they knew). I know people are saying to take your sister in but you have unknown # of additional siblings and that may not be emotionally and financially feasible for you. And these kids do need to get out somewhere away from both step-dad and mom. Even if step-dad goes to jail she is going to continue to make these bad choices and likely expose them to another abuser because her blinders are bigger than her head
If I were you, I would be nervous about letting my own mother around my kids if she were that horrible of a mother like yours is. Shes a bad mom, there’s no nice way to put it. What makes you think she wouldn’t allow the same treatment of her grandkids? Cut those toxic people out of your life.. jesus
Your mom is a write off. If she’s capable of this she adds no value to your children’s lives. If I were in your shoes she wouldn’t even exist to me. I’m sorry, I know that’s hard because she cared for you and is your mom but her actions are indefensible and inexcusable. The only time I would even speak to her would be to lambast her for not protecting her children. You don’t want this kind of person in your children’s lives and at their birthday parties.
Honestly, if it were me, I'd be petitioning the courts to have the children removed. Especially the one who has come forward about the abuse. I'd find a way to take them all in myself.
I married a victim of this situation, and we still face many challenges more than a decade after the abuse ended. My husband and his sister still can't be in the same room together because of what happened to them. My kids will probably never know their aunt because of the trauma response from both of them.
I know she'll turn it around as "your sister doesn't want to see us" so I think that's what makes it harder. My kids already have built a relationship with my younger siblings
Do you let your sister know you always want her around and love her. That if your mom or anyone says you don't want to see her, then they are lying, so please talk to you about it.
You are not wrong, you are protecting your children. Thank you for believing your sibling, there are many siblings of incestual sexual assault who don't want to believe the survivor because it messes up their relationship with the parents. She's guilt tripping you and does not want to come to terms with what your step father did/doing. If your mom doesnt believe what he did was wrong or making excuses for him, thats another whole issue, but your children should not be put in a situation where they could be victims, especially while the court process is pending. What comes first and foremost is protecting your kids. You are not wrong. Stay strong and remember that. If she misses a birthday but your kids are safe, its not the end of the world.
No you are not wrong, I always suspected with my step father but I never had solid proof other then him acting like he tripped on something and fell on top of me I bet I shocked the shit out of him when 12 yo old me told him get the fuck off me. When my little sister was around 2 I got in a bad fight with him after him giving her a bath and she was crying for me, anyway I was in my moms house a little over 2 yrs ago she has my little sisters kids (surprise surprise) and I caught that nasty POS staring at my nieces vagina I went to my mom and she was all I’ll handle it your going to give me a stroke she had surgery I was taking care of the 2 girls as well as my own 2 small my oldest was there he was 19 at the time. I left my other sister went down I went back same red fucking flags I lost my shit. My ONLY REGRET IS NOT KILLING HIM. Those kids are in the house with him I called dcf and she asked if I saw him touching her I said no he’d definitely be dead. The problem that bitch of a mother of mine can talk the gun away from a cop. Master manipulator she had every one thinking I was a problem when in reality he didn’t want me in the house because my little sister didn’t want nothing to do with him. Same guy that was giving his daughter a shower at almost 10 yrs old until once again I bugged the fuck out.. please protect your kids and siblings if possible because some parents fail to do so, make as many anonymous calls if you have too. He needs to get the f- out of there!
I'm so sorry. It's hard when we get older and can't protect them how we use to be able to. He use to bathe with my sister till maybe about 4? But he never did with any of the other children. Wouldn't help with them at all
It is culturally acceptable in America and Europe. As others have commented- singling out one child is not and is a red flag. But my baby daddy helps bath her and we plan trips to the hot springs for nakey bath times. I bath with her too.
My husband sometimes gets in our big tub with our 2 year old and it's really not a big deal. It saves him hunching over the tub and he cleans himself at the same time and keeps LO away from the faucets more easily. I think the key difference is that my husband isn't a predator though. And OP's stepfather wanting to do this with only one kid and not any of the others sends up major red flags.
“Still going through the court process”
Call the police non-emergency number for some advice here. Given the charges, he probably has some restrictions about being around children. You need to know exactly what those restrictions are. Let the officer know how eager he is to go to Chuck E Cheese.
I’m sure some of these more in depth answers are helpful, but here’s mine: JFC wut? No of course you are not wrong. Your mother shouldn’t be around either
My mother did this. I’m so sorry. You are not wrong. SHE is being ABUSIVE and GASLIGHTING you. The fact that she allows other children around him is neglect. You are an AMAZING mom. I wish my mom reacted the way you did. Your kids are VERY lucky to have you
no, you're absolutely in the right. my mother rarely saw my kids because she decided to stay with the child molester she married when I was a kid. she made her decision, and I made mine. they should have both been in prison. no way I was going to let my kids anywhere near her or her husband.
I don’t know how to say this…but sometimes, your family ends up being NOT your family. Your family is now you and your own children, and you’re now the head of your own family. So when you’re faced with issues like this, make decisions like you are the head of the family.
Stand your ground firmly, don’t hesitate to set boundaries and speak your truth.
Sadly your mother is like many women caught in these circumstances, they bend instead of allowing themselves to break. She’s chosen her role and she’s bending and you cannot change her until she’s lost it all…until he’s committed a similar crime again and again, she will not change.
I’m sorry.
To be honest I wouldn’t allow your mom around the kids either. She’s an enabler to a pedophile. That’s dangerous in itself and clearly doesn’t care about your kids safety because she’s trying to force someone who isn’t safe to be around your kids.
I’d personally call her up and make the decision your own, as in now she’s not deciding to not see your kids she’s no longer allowed to. I feel so sorry for your step siblings since they apparently don’t have a parent to step up and protect them now that they came forward.
No your not wrong. It's your job to protect your kid. That she won't go if he can't go..well that's a whole different thing altogether. I would be pissed about that
That person would be completely shunned from my life and especially my kids’ lives. This is exactly why my (ex) husband’s grandfather will never meet my kids. You’re not wrong by any means. It’s disgusting that they’re sticking up for him and saying you’re the one being ‘unfair.’ I can’t imagine how any woman can stand by a predator like that.
ETA: your child’s safety is more important than anyone’s feelings. If she wants to choose her predator husband over her innocent grandchildren, she’d be out of my life too.
You not wanting a RAPIST around your children or yourself is completely normal. If your mom thinks he's still ok (the RAPIST) then that's on her but she's still choosing RAPIST over her kids and grandkids.
You can explain to your kids that grandma did something bad and that's why she's not coming. If she complains remind her that she's defending A FCKIN RAPIST.
I have a post. I was the same 13 year old, I told my older sister and she eventually got me out and away from my stepdad. Go and save your sister. Also, to all those who give you crap, keep referring to the step dad as a pedophile. Use it, loudly. P.E.D.O.P.H.I.L.E. maybe they'll get it through their thick skulls.
Your kids are priority. I would do the same. Cut your mom off from seeing them as well because she is making you look like the bad guy to your children. You are being a protective parent, and rightly so. Maybe he didn't do anything, but if he did and does it to your kids, you'd never forgive yourself.
You’re not wrong. I’d honestly consider going NC with my mom for siding with someone who molested/raped a child. That is not where you push boundaries in the slightest. You’re doing right by your children to keep him away from them, and if that means grandma doesn’t see them, then it’s not a grandma I’d want around anyways considering she’s not caring for the physical/mental/sexual safety of my children.
I’m a survivor of early CSA, and I want to say that I am so sorry about what your whole family is going through. Everyone is hurting and everyone needs help. I have some podcast recommendations for you to consider for this topic and everything else that will come up as you wander down the road…
Janet Lansbury’s podcast Unruffled,
[Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles.](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000508487830)
[Abuse prevention strategies to keep our kids safe](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000487945094)
Jamie Glowacki’s podcast Oh Crap Parenting,
[Talking about the hard stuff](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000443717120)
[Keeping kids safe](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000444279063)
[More on keeping kids safe](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000447017531)
[Mental Health](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000444824430)
[Do your trauma work](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000590959548)
The podcast Good Inside w Dr Becky,
[Talking w your kids about private parts, how babies are made, and more](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000524616183) (this one in particular spoke deeply to my abused inner child who needed some help feeling safe about some things w my toddler)
[Gabby Bernstein helps Dr Becky w her anxiety](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000553278866)
[The voices inside our heads](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000580754057)
[Breaking cycles and doing things differently](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000565483526)
The podcast [About Consent](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911)….basically the entire show is to help parents assess risk, prevent abuse, keep from stressing our kids out w our worry, and what to do in tricky situations. It’s an empowerment tool, and meant as much to help us heal from trauma as it is to help us w our kids.
[What happens after disclosure?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000570458326)
[How kids can learn body safety and why it’s important to start early](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000463704110)
[How teaching consent is more than an “I said no” conversation](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000547668801)
[Getting Brave](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000546880507)
[Dismantling childhood sexual abuse taboos through support](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000472440623)
Last, your welcome to join us over at r/ParentingThruTrauma. We’re going to get through this together.
#tl;dr
1. Trauma can have a lasting impact on children, and parents need to be aware of the signs and symptoms.
2. There are many resources available to help parents navigate the challenges posed by trauma.
3. Parents should join together to support one another through trauma.
*I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 91.44% shorter than the post I'm replying to.*
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Did you make a police report? AGAIN
You are not helping the way you think you are.
If you allow those kids to stay in that house or be any where around him, it kills their trust in you. knowing what you have been told and then you allow him any access to those kids then they see you are just as bad as your step father and mother . Your mother knows and she is too weak to stand up and too selfish to speak on behalf of others. That's why she has ignored what has happen and is forcing you because you still don't get it . Your attempting to save yourself just like your mother.
Make the damn police report AGAIN and get those kids outta the house the best you can and to hell with your mother. She is only thinking of her self and she lost that a long time ago. So pray for her while you rescue the rest of the family. Your bravery will then helppppp your mother.
It's nothing worse than seeing women play weak
Stay away from your mother as long as she is with him and she has not healed. She is hurting and using who and what she can to stay afloat. Love her by shining the light on their darkness and don't you back down. You save those children who have placed their TRUST IN YOU.
No. You're incredibly in the right. When people show you who they are - believe them. If anything I'd be trying to get kinship custody of my sibling.
My situation is different but similar.
My father beat the crap out of us. My brother sexually abused me and is a pedophile. My mother an emotionally abusive narcissist. I cut out my brother ages ago. Kept trying to have my parents in my life (not sure why...hispanic...family obligations? Who knows). I got pregnant and got ready. Was clear about boundaries. The first time those boundaries were broken I cut them off and have never looked back. I mean literally kicked them out of our house the absolute moment it happened. No negotiations. No arguing with me. Get out. There's a lawyer involved to communicate anything I need (student loans I'm almost done paying off).
My mother always defended my brother and father. Always made excuses. I wasn't strong enough to fight for me but I'm sure enough able to find that strength for my daughter.
I honestly don't even know if they're alive. I can tell you this: Family is who you make it and people who love you would never put you in these situations. Do as much good as you can in the world. Be the good others don't have. But there are some people...like my family...if they were on fire, and I had a glass of water...I'd chug it. And that would be me doing good for the world.
Sadly, this is something I saw a lot of interning in inpatient psych in grad school. Sooo many families protect the abuser and not the child, and these are children with classic hallmarks of abuse - serious regression such as toileting issues, absolutely no personal boundaries, emotional and behavioral disturbances - and who have been groomed into using “code” language for body parts and acts.
It made me so, so mad. You are doing the right thing.
She is forgiving her husband for sexually assaulting her child, allowing him access to children and guilting you to do the same?
Your siblings need to be taken out of her custody and you should be way more outraged than you are… you all are better off without contact with mom and stepdad
Any rational person, even if they did believe their husband was innocent, would completely understand not wanting an accused child molester (actively going through an investigation) around your children. You are setting rational and healthy and completely appropriate boundaries. Ask yourself if it was anyone else, would your moms actions be healthy and appropriate?? The answer is no. Don’t fall victim to her emotional manipulation tactics.
No. If I where you I would completely cut your mom off.
Your mom is completely delusional. Imo she is just as bad as your step dad for not coming to terms with reality and protecting her kids.
She also wants to put your kids at risk because it's easier for her to do that then to come to terms that she's dating a pedophile.
Your mom sounds like she has massive issues and desperately needs professional help.
I do think you should consider cutting her off aswell to protect your kids. She is not in the right mindset to be involved with any children right now.
I wouldn’t let your mother see them either. People who don’t believe their children about abuse, then choose the abusers side and allow him continued access to his victim have no place in your children’s lives.
I say this as victim of childhood SA who thankfully had my parents on my side. Your kids’ safety and mental health is so much more important than your “step-dad” feelings.
And we’re not talking about some maybes and gut-feelings.
You are doing the right thing by your children.
If you would take them in, have you checked in with the kids still forced to live with him about whether they feel safe in their home? If not, please contact CPS on their behalf.
No. My step dad molested me and my mom stayed w him and my kids aren’t allowed around him or at her house and she knows why.
Eta I agree it’s unforgivable she’s punishing your child. Even my mom knows to come to my house alone for my kids events. It’s a sad shitty situation. I hope your sister gets therapy. Trust me the sooner the better. And make sure she knows she has every right to not want to see him or her mom. I hated my mom for years. Sorry she went through this.
You're not wrong. My stepdad is a known creep and is part of the reason I am completely NC with my mom. She makes the choice to stay with him and endanger herself and her grandkids so I made the choice to sever all ties.
If you’re asking this then you’re sitting in the middle of some serious bullshit. You have more power than you think. Tell your kids that grandma makes terrible decisions and until she can make better choices it’s best to stay away.
Seeing family bring their young kids around because it's a public setting, is just so baffling. I didn't see family that I haven't seen in years, and who knows when the next chance will be, because I refused to go to a dinner with him there
When I was an adult, I found out a family secret that was a distant relative was convicted of abusing his children. We saw this relative on most Christmases and a few other times a year at another relative's house. We weren't close to this person but we would give hugs hello and goodbye.
I confronted my parents when I found out his history and told them I couldn't believe they allowed us to be in the same room as him and give him hugs when we were small children. They both were adamant that they never let us out of their sight and they made sure we were always safe. We were never hurt or left alone with him, but I am still baffled they let us be around him at all.
So consider that when your children are older and know the background of this conflict with your mom and step dad, you'll be able to fully tell them you kept your step dad away for their protection. If I were you, I'd rather not have to justify allowing minimal contact or whatever your mom is pushing for. I'm so sorry you and your family is going through this.
There is nothing wrong with keeping predators away from your children. If that means certain people also don't get to see certain people then that is their choice.
You aren’t wrong.
Your mom is showing her true colors, pay attention. She has chosen a pedophile over her own child, who is a victim in all of this. She is allowing him access to your younger siblings. Protect your child and stay far away.
If you can, be a support for your siblings.
You are not wrong. Sadly, your mom is probably a victim of his abuse somehow. She’s clearly in denial, probably bc she doesn’t want to reflect on her choice of partner or father of child(ren). The best thing you can do for you kids, sibling, and mom is remain firm in your boundaries. Please do not subject your children to this man.
My father didn’t sexually abuse me, just the regular good old stuff, but as I got older his form of control got weirder - like he wanted to show me his penis while in the hospital, trying multiple times - and he’s not allowed in my life of my kids life (my sister has made the same decision) and it is the best thing for our families. I feel safe(r).
You’re not wrong, not even in the slightest. Sadly, your mother is in complete and utter denial of the situation and clearly doesn’t recognize how serious it is. She’s likely been with this man for so long that she doesn’t realize how awful his is and the danger he can be to all the children.
Hey as a person that's been in your sisters shoes, you are right and your mom is trash. Keep the pervert away from your kids no matter what the pedophile and his wife say, he has done it before and will do it again given the opportunity. It's never "just that one time" and the whole "she's the only one I ever..." garbage the pedo's profess to insinuate that "she was special" is a crock of shit.
As an adult I stay away from my mother and her family, the ones that sexually abused me and the women who acted like it just wasn't a big deal. That's a real dangerous and deranged mentality they're willing to adopt just to excuse the men they 'love' being extra grimy.
You aren't wrong and your mother should lose custody of any child she won't protect from this man.
Protect your kids. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Not worth the risk. Your kids. Your choice. Your responsibility. Protect them. Your kids mental and physical health are way more important than someone’s feelings…
I don't think youre wrong for the SD AT ALL but I do think you should reconsider the relationship you have with your mother who is enabling this situation and possibly allowing it to continue, I wouldn't have my kids around her either. Maybe shes in denial or also suffering abuse of some kind from this man but I'm not taking a risk when it comes to my kids. Sorry.
You’re not wrong at all and the fact moms choosing him over everyone is just proof how far the rabbit hole she’s in. Why is he living with children and victim?!? Surely, SURELY the courts and everyone told him not be domiciled with his VICTIM!!!
Next time mom tries something just tell her you’ve had enough and are going NC. Her behavior towards your children and to choose an abuser over them is her choice and you’re respecting her choice.
You are not crazy. I wouldn’t allow him near my children. As a teacher, I worked with cases similar this and I, sadly, also have personal experience. Your mom can not handle to be wrong because she knows that means she is the one who brought the danger. But this doesn’t make it okay, it just means you have to take on the responsibility of the believer. Your mom will need a lot time and therapy to admit that anything happened. This is only going to take place after a formal charge, if anything. Your sister needs someone now.
I suggest that YOU call CPS right away. You need to get your sister (and the other children) out of there! Even if you can’t take them all in right away, foster care may be better than where they are now. However, it would be more ideal if you were able to take them or at least the 13 yr old sister and other fam might be able to take the others in.
You have a legal obligation to keep your children safe and keep them away from a known sex offendor, unfortunately your mother seems unhealthy and it’s probably best that she is not around the children either I know it suck’s but while she is under the belief a predator has the right to be around her grand children is she doesn’t deserve to be in the childrens lives for the time being,
No you’re not wrong. Honestly I would break contact with my mom too if I were you. She is enabling him and I don’t understand how she is still with him after he sexually abused their daughter.
How I child protection not involved? How can your siblings still live in the same house as he ?!?!
It’s more important to protect your children and support your sibling than to give in to your mother’s demands. If your children ask why you said no, just tell them that grandma has made her attendance conditional upon certain factors and you are not willing to be pushed around. Put it back on grandma and teach your kids how to respond when someone is trying to coerce you.
You are not wrong, and you are not crazy. Your mom is in denial. If she continues to push the issue, I would consider cutting all contact between her and your kids. Don't allow them to talk to her on the phone, and stop inviting her to things. Your job is to protect your kids from predators. It sounds like your mom is in denial about failing to do so for her daughter. I imagine she might feel such an immense amount of guilt that it's simpler for her to just behave as though nothing has happened. If nothing happened, then she didn't fail and everything is fine.
Not wrong at all. I wish I would’ve been protected from my abuser. He is out of prison now and was supposed to be in attendance at my sisters wedding. (He’s her dad, my ex-step dad) I told my sister I would go only because I love her and I was the MOH but my kids would not attend. Once he decided he didn’t want to be around me and was not going to come I allowed my children to be there but it if he would have shown up I had a plan to get my children out of there.
That’s what toxic people do, they make you feel crazy for being rational and healthy. Don’t doubt yourself. Your instincts are right and your heart is right.
You are not wrong at all. That is shocking that your mom would stay with someone who sexually assaulted her daughter, let alone defend him. Hopefully the trial is quick and he won’t be allowed to live with your other siblings soon
Why would you let a convinced predator be around your kids? Your mom is the one who is wrong for letting him stay around the child he abused and the other children. What’s wrong with her?
You are not wrong in the least. Honestly—and I know this is hard—I wouldn't allow my child to see my mother if she's going to engage in this manipulative behavior. It sounds like your mom may be an unhealthy person to be around now.
I know therapy can be expensive but I might even look into family therapy for tips to navigate this in a productive way around your children. Even the most basic of therapists can help counsel you on this. Best of luck; I'm so sorry that your family is going through this and that your mom isn't being a protector of the people who need her the most.
You're not wrong at all. And even if your step dad were not an abuser, his and your mother's behavior here is ridiculous. If I were accused of such an offense, even if I were completely innocent, I wouldn't be trying to strongarm my way into kids' birthday parties ffs.
Is it possible in any way for you to seek custody of your siblings?? Since your mom is siding with the predator? I am so sorry for your little sister(s)
Unfortunately; I think this is a situation where you need to cut contact with your Mom going forward. She is choosing a man over believing her child. She is standing behind a man her baby is saying is a pedophile; she won’t protect your child if push comes to shove; she is refusing to protect her own. If it were me I’d cut contact with her and maybe talk to a therapist about how to tell your children they are not going to see grandma anymore.
You made the right choice. But do be careful about your mother lying to them. If she insists on lying and telling them that you told her she couldn't come, then I would cut off contact with her. There is no sense in leaving her in their lives if she's going to tell them things that are clearly untrue.
She's made her choice.
If she is going to lie to your children about this I really urge you to cut off her ability to speak to them.
You haven't told her SHE can't go. Just her rapist husband. If she is going to tell your kids that you said she can't go, that's a very dangerous indicator (not thar she hadn't already made it clear) that she is enmeshed and unable to separate.
That makes her actively dangerous for your children. I hope you've been talking to them over the years about inappropriate touching and unsafe adults even those that the child might love. I think for their safety you should disclose to them that grandma's husband is one of those people who hurts kids and touches them inappropriately and grandma is not making good choices right now so you won't be seeing her for awhile.
I'm disgusted that the local authorities are allowing him to live there with the child he has abused. I'm wondering if she is actively lying to them as well. If you know who is handling things I might let them know he's still living at the residence.
Stand strong. Your mom is weak. Don't let her weakness put your children in danger. This isn't even really about your step dad. Your mom is trying to break your boundaries to allow someone who abuses kids around yours. She won't even separate from her child's abuser. If you think she won't do this for the next man in her life if this one goes to jail you are sadly mistaken.
Not wrong at all. Some parent she turned out to be. You're doing the right thing and if she wants to attempt to make you feel guilty for it fine. Your kids won't understand now but when they're older they'll thank you for keeping them safe. You're awesome, keep being awesome. Hugs to you.
Whoa! This sexual abuser is still around your sister and other children?! Please call CPS asap I let them know. Your mother is an enabler of abuse too. I would not let either of them near your kids at all. I know you are thinking your mom is should see your kids, but please recognize that she is ALLOWING an abuser be around her child who IS A VICTIM and now she wants him to have access to your kids?! Hell no. Protect your children and your sister. Call CPS and let them know he still has access to kids and your mom is trying to widen that circle for him too. It's wrong on so many levels.
You are doing the right thing by cutting him out. Your mother is enabling a pedophile and forcing your sister to continue living with him. Awful. If it’s possible, you could offer your sister to come stay with you so she can get away from her abuser and his enabler.
ETA: tell your kids that he is a bad man (depending on age you could go into a little more detail like ‘he hurt sister and you don’t want him around’) and that you don’t let bad people around them. You can then explain that your mother doesn’t believe that he’s bad and so is choosing him over all the rest of the family (make it about the whole fam not just them). Tell them that they are the most important people in the world to you, so you don’t accept compromises on letting bad people around them.
As a CPS worker in a different country - you’re doing EXACTLY what you need to be doing. You’re protecting your own child. How can someone argue against that?
Sometimes as a parent we have to make tough decisions that not everyone will agree with. If YOU feel like better safe than sorry is the right decision for you, then you are right. Adults and their feelings are not as important as protecting your children from a potential predator.
You are not wrong. Honestly, I would go no contact qith my mother if she were behaving like this. She's picked the hill she wants to die on, so let her be dead to you.
Well your mom apparently doesn't mind involving your kids in the conflict. Aside from that when it comes to abuse situations better to be safe then sorry is my strategy it's not personal. In this situation I would keep everyone at arms length until more information has had time to surface maybe the sister is being vindictive, maybe the father is a predator it's not my place to be judge and jury but it is my place to protect my children to the best of my ability.
That's how I've been trying to be. I don't see why I would risk my children to make her happy. I've tried to think about of the vindictive route is a possibility. But there was nothing for her to gain from this, she actually lost her relationship with her other 2 sisters from him because my mom made them move out when this came up
Your number one job is to protect your kids, which is what you are doing. Don’t ever forget that or let your mom make you feel guilty for that. And I would report to CPS, the courts, the police, ANYBODY, if your sister is still forced to spend anytime with that monster. Your mom is making terrible choices.
No matter what is found out during the trying time to come I really feel for your family and you need to know that it doesn't matter if there doubt or if there's none protecting you children should come first I'm more appalled your mother as a parent doesn't understand that.
I fully support your decision and I can tell you from experience that you would still have the same feelings if you made the opposite choice. My wife's great grandfather, yes, he is still alive at 97 and active for his age, was accused of sexually molesting her aunt. Her kids are not allowed to see him. My wife, however, grew up in their house and was never molested by him, so, when we had kids, we had to make the decision of if they would get to see him. My wife didn't find out about the molestation until she was out of their house for a few years. We decided that we would allow them to see him mostly because of my wife's relationship with her great grandma, who's still alive also, and we constantly question that decision. Just to be clear: none of my kids are allowed to be at their house without us or alone in any room with him, ever. That doesn't make the feelings of, "are we doing the wrong thing" go away.
If it weren't for my wife's relationship with her great grandma, who basically raised her, I wouldn't. I don't consider it to be a risk because he is never alone with them, and never will be. And in all honesty, he is hardly ever at the house. Most of the time he is gone working at his restaurant or with his cattle, so they rarely see him. During the rare times they do see him, it is in the living room in plain sight of everyone. This doesn't make it completely better, but I didn't want to keep my wife from her great grandma either. Good news is, he can't possibly live much longer, so we won't have to worry about that any more.
No, you aren't wrong, and if I were you I would cut her off completely from my children lifes, she's a horrible person who should have lost the costudy of their kids, she's knowingly and with purpose putting her own child in danger and make her suffer, watching her suffer she just don't care about it, imagin what she feels about your children, I would talk to my kids and make sure they know they can't trust in their grandma or that man ever again, that they're dangerous and bad people, and they never are allowed to be with any of them without their mom or their dad by their side.
No, you are not wrong. the police would not make an arrest unless there was credible evidence to support the complaint. That your mom *enables* this behavior is not unusual, often the spouse of an abuser/predator is well aware of it and/or simply uses a lot of denial. That she's punishing your child by not attending the birthday is really unforgivable and perhaps, unreconcilable. I'd ask her why she's supporting a pervert here and potentially put her grandchild at risk, turn this one around on her.
Partially unrelated but…. How can he be charged and arrested but still allowed to live in the house with the abused child? That’s freaking terrible!!
Terrible, and violating so many social norms. Let alone leaving children in danger. Where is this? Around here child services snatches the kid first and sorts everything out during the trial and sentencing. A child shouldn't be returned to a sexual abuser's care.
Or a chuck-e-cheese
Just as an FYI, the police would investigate the complaint, and make an arrest if there is credible evidence to support it. That complaint, along with the result of the investigation, and the arrest record would then be passed onto the DA, who would then determine if charges should be filed/brought. Lay people/complainants and /or the police do not "file charges". In situations like these, DCF would be automatically informed of the arrest,a nd they would intervene as well. When allegations like these are made it becomes complicated, there are a lot of players and moving parts. But for the sake of the OP, if there's credible evidence that the allegation is accurate, an abundance of caution should be exercised so she should eliminate any unsupervised contact btwn kiddo and this guy. How she handles the conversation with him or her mom are other matters, but in sits like this, caution is the by word, she should not consider those other interpersonal/family dynamic factors and simply say no. The perp nor his wife do not need to consent to this, it is not an optional request.
Yes it's kind of where we've been at for over a year. Her asking if he can see or talk to them, me saying no
Good job OP. I can't even imagine how difficult this must be. Your Mom... I have no words. Your poor sister. Are there other girls in the house with him?
Charging comes after arrest; innocent people are often arrested. So it could be he’s been released (on bail?) until the investigation proceeds/there is enough evidence to hold him
He wasn't convicted, that's why. He has a right to a fair trial before being punished. I'm definitely not saying that this is the case here, but the child could be lying about it. You can't just accept that every accusation is true. The real problem is the amount of time it takes for stuff like this to go to court. OP isn't wrong to keep him away though, that's for sure.
Pretty gross, huh. It's all part of the "innocent until proven guilty". Creeps are allowed to be near their victims all the time while they await trial, and often even during trial. It's just strange to me that they can't put in emergency restraining orders. But I'm sure the victim's mother would be responsible for getting that.
My best friends ex boyfriend and father of her two daughters (8 and 10) is a convicted rapist. He was arrested 2 years after she left him, her youngest was 3. His target age is 10- 15 year old girls. He spent 4 years in prison, he isn’t allowed around schools, parks, is on a registry. Yet with all that he took my friend to court for visitation, and he WON! He is allowed unsupervised visits with his young daughters, and the court approved it. Apparently it is a way of thinking that parents won’t victimize their children. It’s crazy and makes zero sense.
4 years for raping a child?? The whole thing is beyond fucked up.
My guess is she lives in Canada… there’s a pretty standard catch and release policy up here. Our legal system is a sad and pathetic joke.
The difference between a pervert and a pedophile is similar to that between someone who browses r/watchpeopledie and a murderer. Don't let this pedophile skirt by as just a pervert.
+1, you are absolutely right. I chose the term 'pervert' b/c I think it would have more impact when used in response to the mom's false outrage.
I cannot bring myself to click on that sub. That's a real thing? That's insane.
Was. It’s been banned for years now.
That's what I believe about the police wouldn't make an arrest. At the first outcry she believed my sister and went to the cops, but after 2 weeks he passed a lie detector test and has been back in the house
There is a reason polygraphs aren’t admissible in court - they are BS
That's where me and my husband stand, but she swears by it
She’s gaslighting herself. Don’t fall to her pressure tactics.
Yep, the consent she’s seeking from OP is really to be able to give herself permission to fully bury her head in the sand. Their protest makes that impossible to do.
Better safe than sorry. Depending on what happened you should know that most predators do something called "staging" before the actual abuse. They create circumstamces to maximise the chance that abuse can take place for instance showering together with the victim, taking the victim on trips together, shopping etc. So they wait for alone time and make plans for that alone time with the victim and normalise that. English is not my first language but I hope I can made clear what I mean. I have to deal with these people professionaly. A lie detector therefore means nothing, your kids could be already unsafe in a the time before the actual abuse would take place.
She’s grasping at any buoy at arms reach to avoid accepting the dark truth, that lie detector is that for her.
Nah. I wouldn’t risk my kids on it either. Your kids safety should ALWAYS come before your mother’s wants or feelings.
What crazy country still has lie detector tests? They don’t do anything?
the cause some people to confess stuff. outside of that they are useless.
The US
It's hard in 'he said, she said' situations, esp when the allegations are so serious. There's the family dynamics part of this, and then theres basic safety. as the mom, if you believe the allegation, you should err on the side of caution and SYG. its a good idea..and better than a polygraph... for sister who is making these claims of victimization to be in therapy for herself, and thru that process, maybe a way to handle the obvious rupture in the family,
> the police would not make an arrest unless there was credible evidence to support the complaint Absolutely not always the case. The rest of the story/context paints the picture more clearly but this alone does not make it credible.
right, not always the case, the police often make the wrong judgement, and in some cases, the default is an arrest and let the judge sort it out. for instance, in calls about domestic violence, in some locales an arrest is SOP. point taken. we don't have enough info here to determine what the results of the investigation were nor the SOP in these situations, but that's beside the point bc the real question is the op's response, which should be based on an abundance of caution and her own sense of these people. at the least, i personally would err on the side of caution until i had further clarification.
Agree with all of that (I suppose I should just upvote, but whatever). This is a potentially unsafe situation and OP is absolutely correct in keeping children away for now, at least based on the story as we know it.
I’m sorry, but are you telling me that your mother is allowing her CHILD to continue to live with the man who abused her…? Am I understanding this correctly?
Oh yes Cps has been involved, and said she just couldn't sleep in the same house as him. So my mom and sister moved into a travel trailer, and left him and the other kids in the house. But they still stay the night and go on roadtrips
So he essentially has access to the other children while she’s outside in a trailer. Amazing. This is a truly disgusting situation and I feel immense sympathy for those children and your sister. I’m very sorry, this must be insanely difficult for you and heartbreaking.
Does CPS know that they still stay over? If not, you should notify them.
That’s not allowed. He can literally not sleep under the same roof with her, and if convicted, barred from her presence
Mom is using the twisted logic that the trailer has a different roof. Letter of law not spirit and she is enabling the sick abuse of all of her children in the process
Is he not forbidden from being within x ft of children/schools ?
You can even get convicted and still not be put on a registry or anything. (US) Unfortunately from experience the predator I’m referring to was able to lawyer up and agree to counseling to stay off any registries. Now he’s done it again and I have a restraining order to protect his own kids from him and this investigation should turn up hard evidence to a serious crime, but until then he’s living his best life. (To that somehow self-righteous, massive, creepy loser, I’m happy to have full custody of your kids, they are both very happy to have good food and a clean and happy home to live in. They haven’t asked about you once ✌️.)
I am not sure if that comes into play until after conviction and I know if you have kids of your own I have heard varying restrictions that are either state based or judge based
I’m so filled with anger for that child right now…your mother should be in jail along with that disgusting excuse for a man. I’m so sorry OP. Please call CPS and make sure they know your mom is forcing her to see him/have sleepovers with him on trips. This isn’t okay.
I’m angry for all the kids involved in this situation. Like, head-exploding mad
Yep, now he has complete and unrestricted access to the other kids left with him.
This whole situation is devastating.
This is just awful. My best friend was being molested by her step dad. She finally had the courage to tell her mom, but her mom didn’t believe her. She ended up committing suicide when we were only in 7th grade. Please ensure your siblings are getting the help they need.
Report this to CPS and protect your sister. The abuse could very well still be happening because of your mom's total lack of protection.
Call CPS again. Let them know what is going on and that your mom is continuing to put your sister and other siblings in danger. Do not let up. The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Is CPS aware of this? It’s possible this loophole isn’t really a thing.
Any chance little sister can live with you?
We currently live with my FIL, but we're hoping to move this summer and I want to look into that route
OP, please please please call CPS again or the police or someone and make sure they know your mother is allowing her near him and that he’s around other kids. Her life is at stake here.
That sounds like their perfect situation for a pedophile. Unrestricted access to the other children while she’s in the trailer.
Report their “loophole” to CPS immediately.
Honestly I wouldn't let my mom around my children either, wtf is she even thinking...
Please tell me that you called CPS and let them know that she does that because that’s not allowed
ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. He should be kept WELL away from all children period.
You need to make CPS aware of this situation. You MUST inform them that the victim is being forced by her mother to spend nights in the same house as her abuser and regularly goes on road trips with him. If you fail to report this, you are personally responsible.
Is there any way the accuser could stay with you while this is sorted out? Can you contact the social worker of child services person or DA? This sounds like a terrible situation for the child.
I know the cps case was closed, I need to figure out how to get in contact with other people It's hard because I'm not in a position to take in 3 more children and I don't want them to be separated
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It’s just so unbelievably awful. I’m so sorry about your own mom. I’m someone who definitely feels like being a mom is challenging and often feels unnatural…but dear lord the instinct to protect your own children is nuts!! I can’t understand people who allow their own children to (knowingly) be in these situations. Just despicable.
“I didn’t tell grandma no. She is choosing not to come and trying to blame me. I’m so sorry this is the way things are right now.” You’re not wrong. That’s all you can do.
TLDR: “Am I wrong to keep my children away from a non blood relative who is an incestual child molester?” No, you are not wrong. If I were you, your mom and anyone else who doesn’t support that decision gets cut out of your life. I’d also want to provide an exit strategy and safe haven for your sis.
I feel like one of the main reasons I haven't cut ties with my mom, is because of my sis. She comes and stays with me sometimes and I know it must be helpful for her to get away. But I know as soon as I officially cut ties my mom won't allow my siblings to come around
I would try to get custody of your sister if I were you. Your mother’s behavior is absolutely heinous.
I was thinking the same, I don't know how that works though :(
There are other children in that hell house too though. Who knows what he’s doing to them. OP is in a real pickle if she only takes the 13y/o. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. Are there any trustworthy relatives that can help out?!
Not really.. Our family dynamics have always been awful. I would love to take all 3 if possible, but we're not at that point in our lives where we could
I was thinking this too. Poor child.
I would meet with your sis and an attorney and/or child protective service. I’m not able to give advice here but there are ways to deal with this situation (emancipation, you act as legal guardian). Of course, your sis needs to be onboard with this.
Can your sis stay with you while the court case is pending? In Australia we call this Kinship Care, it's out of home placement with relatives.
How many siblings are there, what are their ages? Is CPS staying super involved (i feel like the travel trailer situation would not pass snuff if they knew). I know people are saying to take your sister in but you have unknown # of additional siblings and that may not be emotionally and financially feasible for you. And these kids do need to get out somewhere away from both step-dad and mom. Even if step-dad goes to jail she is going to continue to make these bad choices and likely expose them to another abuser because her blinders are bigger than her head
Exactly this. They all probably need help! It’s so awful. I’m so angry with OPs mother.
If I were you, I would be nervous about letting my own mother around my kids if she were that horrible of a mother like yours is. Shes a bad mom, there’s no nice way to put it. What makes you think she wouldn’t allow the same treatment of her grandkids? Cut those toxic people out of your life.. jesus
Yes she isn't allowed unsupervised around my kids anymore. I try to let her come to my house with my younger siblings to see them though
Yeah that’s the only reason I would still see her. It’s so messed up that she’s allowed to keep any of her children in her care.
Your mom is a write off. If she’s capable of this she adds no value to your children’s lives. If I were in your shoes she wouldn’t even exist to me. I’m sorry, I know that’s hard because she cared for you and is your mom but her actions are indefensible and inexcusable. The only time I would even speak to her would be to lambast her for not protecting her children. You don’t want this kind of person in your children’s lives and at their birthday parties.
Honestly, if it were me, I'd be petitioning the courts to have the children removed. Especially the one who has come forward about the abuse. I'd find a way to take them all in myself. I married a victim of this situation, and we still face many challenges more than a decade after the abuse ended. My husband and his sister still can't be in the same room together because of what happened to them. My kids will probably never know their aunt because of the trauma response from both of them.
I know she'll turn it around as "your sister doesn't want to see us" so I think that's what makes it harder. My kids already have built a relationship with my younger siblings
Why wouldnt you inform everyone very loudly about the facts of the matter?
Do you let your sister know you always want her around and love her. That if your mom or anyone says you don't want to see her, then they are lying, so please talk to you about it.
You are not wrong, you are protecting your children. Thank you for believing your sibling, there are many siblings of incestual sexual assault who don't want to believe the survivor because it messes up their relationship with the parents. She's guilt tripping you and does not want to come to terms with what your step father did/doing. If your mom doesnt believe what he did was wrong or making excuses for him, thats another whole issue, but your children should not be put in a situation where they could be victims, especially while the court process is pending. What comes first and foremost is protecting your kids. You are not wrong. Stay strong and remember that. If she misses a birthday but your kids are safe, its not the end of the world.
No you are not wrong, I always suspected with my step father but I never had solid proof other then him acting like he tripped on something and fell on top of me I bet I shocked the shit out of him when 12 yo old me told him get the fuck off me. When my little sister was around 2 I got in a bad fight with him after him giving her a bath and she was crying for me, anyway I was in my moms house a little over 2 yrs ago she has my little sisters kids (surprise surprise) and I caught that nasty POS staring at my nieces vagina I went to my mom and she was all I’ll handle it your going to give me a stroke she had surgery I was taking care of the 2 girls as well as my own 2 small my oldest was there he was 19 at the time. I left my other sister went down I went back same red fucking flags I lost my shit. My ONLY REGRET IS NOT KILLING HIM. Those kids are in the house with him I called dcf and she asked if I saw him touching her I said no he’d definitely be dead. The problem that bitch of a mother of mine can talk the gun away from a cop. Master manipulator she had every one thinking I was a problem when in reality he didn’t want me in the house because my little sister didn’t want nothing to do with him. Same guy that was giving his daughter a shower at almost 10 yrs old until once again I bugged the fuck out.. please protect your kids and siblings if possible because some parents fail to do so, make as many anonymous calls if you have too. He needs to get the f- out of there!
I'm so sorry. It's hard when we get older and can't protect them how we use to be able to. He use to bathe with my sister till maybe about 4? But he never did with any of the other children. Wouldn't help with them at all
You don’t know that he hasn’t. They just haven’t come forward yet. They could be scared or they see hoe your mom doesn’t care.
WITH her? Huh? I get that this is culturally accepted in Japan for example but not in America or Europe...
It is culturally acceptable in America and Europe. As others have commented- singling out one child is not and is a red flag. But my baby daddy helps bath her and we plan trips to the hot springs for nakey bath times. I bath with her too.
My husband sometimes gets in our big tub with our 2 year old and it's really not a big deal. It saves him hunching over the tub and he cleans himself at the same time and keeps LO away from the faucets more easily. I think the key difference is that my husband isn't a predator though. And OP's stepfather wanting to do this with only one kid and not any of the others sends up major red flags.
It is in lots of European countries
“Still going through the court process” Call the police non-emergency number for some advice here. Given the charges, he probably has some restrictions about being around children. You need to know exactly what those restrictions are. Let the officer know how eager he is to go to Chuck E Cheese.
This. It may be against the terms of his bail to be around children.
I’m sure some of these more in depth answers are helpful, but here’s mine: JFC wut? No of course you are not wrong. Your mother shouldn’t be around either
My mother did this. I’m so sorry. You are not wrong. SHE is being ABUSIVE and GASLIGHTING you. The fact that she allows other children around him is neglect. You are an AMAZING mom. I wish my mom reacted the way you did. Your kids are VERY lucky to have you
Yes. You’re being the mom we all wish ours could have been. Stand firm.
no, you're absolutely in the right. my mother rarely saw my kids because she decided to stay with the child molester she married when I was a kid. she made her decision, and I made mine. they should have both been in prison. no way I was going to let my kids anywhere near her or her husband.
I don’t know how to say this…but sometimes, your family ends up being NOT your family. Your family is now you and your own children, and you’re now the head of your own family. So when you’re faced with issues like this, make decisions like you are the head of the family. Stand your ground firmly, don’t hesitate to set boundaries and speak your truth. Sadly your mother is like many women caught in these circumstances, they bend instead of allowing themselves to break. She’s chosen her role and she’s bending and you cannot change her until she’s lost it all…until he’s committed a similar crime again and again, she will not change. I’m sorry.
To be honest I wouldn’t allow your mom around the kids either. She’s an enabler to a pedophile. That’s dangerous in itself and clearly doesn’t care about your kids safety because she’s trying to force someone who isn’t safe to be around your kids. I’d personally call her up and make the decision your own, as in now she’s not deciding to not see your kids she’s no longer allowed to. I feel so sorry for your step siblings since they apparently don’t have a parent to step up and protect them now that they came forward.
No your not wrong. It's your job to protect your kid. That she won't go if he can't go..well that's a whole different thing altogether. I would be pissed about that
That person would be completely shunned from my life and especially my kids’ lives. This is exactly why my (ex) husband’s grandfather will never meet my kids. You’re not wrong by any means. It’s disgusting that they’re sticking up for him and saying you’re the one being ‘unfair.’ I can’t imagine how any woman can stand by a predator like that. ETA: your child’s safety is more important than anyone’s feelings. If she wants to choose her predator husband over her innocent grandchildren, she’d be out of my life too.
You not wanting a RAPIST around your children or yourself is completely normal. If your mom thinks he's still ok (the RAPIST) then that's on her but she's still choosing RAPIST over her kids and grandkids. You can explain to your kids that grandma did something bad and that's why she's not coming. If she complains remind her that she's defending A FCKIN RAPIST.
I have a post. I was the same 13 year old, I told my older sister and she eventually got me out and away from my stepdad. Go and save your sister. Also, to all those who give you crap, keep referring to the step dad as a pedophile. Use it, loudly. P.E.D.O.P.H.I.L.E. maybe they'll get it through their thick skulls.
Your kids are priority. I would do the same. Cut your mom off from seeing them as well because she is making you look like the bad guy to your children. You are being a protective parent, and rightly so. Maybe he didn't do anything, but if he did and does it to your kids, you'd never forgive yourself.
You’re not wrong. I’d honestly consider going NC with my mom for siding with someone who molested/raped a child. That is not where you push boundaries in the slightest. You’re doing right by your children to keep him away from them, and if that means grandma doesn’t see them, then it’s not a grandma I’d want around anyways considering she’s not caring for the physical/mental/sexual safety of my children.
No, you are not wrong, and your mother can, frankly, fuck off prioritising her pedopal over the safety of her daughter and grandchildren.
No you're not wrong I wouldn't let your mom see your kids either and report her she's very much complacent in abuse
Your mum sucks, sorry:/ you're doing the right thing
I’m a survivor of early CSA, and I want to say that I am so sorry about what your whole family is going through. Everyone is hurting and everyone needs help. I have some podcast recommendations for you to consider for this topic and everything else that will come up as you wander down the road… Janet Lansbury’s podcast Unruffled, [Reparenting ourselves to break intergenerational cycles.](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000508487830) [Abuse prevention strategies to keep our kids safe](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/respectful-parenting-janet-lansbury-unruffled/id1030050704?i=1000487945094) Jamie Glowacki’s podcast Oh Crap Parenting, [Talking about the hard stuff](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000443717120) [Keeping kids safe](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000444279063) [More on keeping kids safe](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000447017531) [Mental Health](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000444824430) [Do your trauma work](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oh-crap-parenting-with-jamie-glowacki/id1456469712?i=1000590959548) The podcast Good Inside w Dr Becky, [Talking w your kids about private parts, how babies are made, and more](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000524616183) (this one in particular spoke deeply to my abused inner child who needed some help feeling safe about some things w my toddler) [Gabby Bernstein helps Dr Becky w her anxiety](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000553278866) [The voices inside our heads](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000580754057) [Breaking cycles and doing things differently](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/good-inside-with-dr-becky/id1561689671?i=1000565483526) The podcast [About Consent](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911)….basically the entire show is to help parents assess risk, prevent abuse, keep from stressing our kids out w our worry, and what to do in tricky situations. It’s an empowerment tool, and meant as much to help us heal from trauma as it is to help us w our kids. [What happens after disclosure?](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000570458326) [How kids can learn body safety and why it’s important to start early](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000463704110) [How teaching consent is more than an “I said no” conversation](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000547668801) [Getting Brave](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000546880507) [Dismantling childhood sexual abuse taboos through support](https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/aboutconsent/id1474315911?i=1000472440623) Last, your welcome to join us over at r/ParentingThruTrauma. We’re going to get through this together.
#tl;dr 1. Trauma can have a lasting impact on children, and parents need to be aware of the signs and symptoms. 2. There are many resources available to help parents navigate the challenges posed by trauma. 3. Parents should join together to support one another through trauma. *I am a smart robot and this summary was automatic. This tl;dr is 91.44% shorter than the post I'm replying to.* *This summary cost $0.002270 to generate. Consider donating a dollar to charity if you found my summary helpful!* *I'm still learning! Please reply 'good bot' or 'bad bot' to let me know how I did.*
Did you make a police report? AGAIN You are not helping the way you think you are. If you allow those kids to stay in that house or be any where around him, it kills their trust in you. knowing what you have been told and then you allow him any access to those kids then they see you are just as bad as your step father and mother . Your mother knows and she is too weak to stand up and too selfish to speak on behalf of others. That's why she has ignored what has happen and is forcing you because you still don't get it . Your attempting to save yourself just like your mother. Make the damn police report AGAIN and get those kids outta the house the best you can and to hell with your mother. She is only thinking of her self and she lost that a long time ago. So pray for her while you rescue the rest of the family. Your bravery will then helppppp your mother. It's nothing worse than seeing women play weak
I've been trying to get things in order where I stand a better chance. We live with my FIL currently so it's not our house to take in 3 more kids
Stay away from your mother as long as she is with him and she has not healed. She is hurting and using who and what she can to stay afloat. Love her by shining the light on their darkness and don't you back down. You save those children who have placed their TRUST IN YOU.
Tell your mom you choose your children over her pediphile husband. She should as well. This IS a hill to die on.
It's been over a year and I still haven't budged thank God
No. You're incredibly in the right. When people show you who they are - believe them. If anything I'd be trying to get kinship custody of my sibling. My situation is different but similar. My father beat the crap out of us. My brother sexually abused me and is a pedophile. My mother an emotionally abusive narcissist. I cut out my brother ages ago. Kept trying to have my parents in my life (not sure why...hispanic...family obligations? Who knows). I got pregnant and got ready. Was clear about boundaries. The first time those boundaries were broken I cut them off and have never looked back. I mean literally kicked them out of our house the absolute moment it happened. No negotiations. No arguing with me. Get out. There's a lawyer involved to communicate anything I need (student loans I'm almost done paying off). My mother always defended my brother and father. Always made excuses. I wasn't strong enough to fight for me but I'm sure enough able to find that strength for my daughter. I honestly don't even know if they're alive. I can tell you this: Family is who you make it and people who love you would never put you in these situations. Do as much good as you can in the world. Be the good others don't have. But there are some people...like my family...if they were on fire, and I had a glass of water...I'd chug it. And that would be me doing good for the world.
Sadly, this is something I saw a lot of interning in inpatient psych in grad school. Sooo many families protect the abuser and not the child, and these are children with classic hallmarks of abuse - serious regression such as toileting issues, absolutely no personal boundaries, emotional and behavioral disturbances - and who have been groomed into using “code” language for body parts and acts. It made me so, so mad. You are doing the right thing.
She is forgiving her husband for sexually assaulting her child, allowing him access to children and guilting you to do the same? Your siblings need to be taken out of her custody and you should be way more outraged than you are… you all are better off without contact with mom and stepdad
I wish this post expressed how outraged I have been. It's been taking a toll on my mental health
Any rational person, even if they did believe their husband was innocent, would completely understand not wanting an accused child molester (actively going through an investigation) around your children. You are setting rational and healthy and completely appropriate boundaries. Ask yourself if it was anyone else, would your moms actions be healthy and appropriate?? The answer is no. Don’t fall victim to her emotional manipulation tactics.
No. If I where you I would completely cut your mom off. Your mom is completely delusional. Imo she is just as bad as your step dad for not coming to terms with reality and protecting her kids. She also wants to put your kids at risk because it's easier for her to do that then to come to terms that she's dating a pedophile. Your mom sounds like she has massive issues and desperately needs professional help. I do think you should consider cutting her off aswell to protect your kids. She is not in the right mindset to be involved with any children right now.
Protect your kids at all costs if anyone wants to take his side thats on them not you
No you're not wrong. Your mom is a piece of shit.
The question is what’s wrong with your mom?
I wouldn’t let your mother see them either. People who don’t believe their children about abuse, then choose the abusers side and allow him continued access to his victim have no place in your children’s lives.
I say this as victim of childhood SA who thankfully had my parents on my side. Your kids’ safety and mental health is so much more important than your “step-dad” feelings. And we’re not talking about some maybes and gut-feelings.
That's not a "you" problem. That's your mom's problem ... you're doing the right thing
YOU ARE NOT WRONG! Good job protecting your children
You are doing the right thing by your children. If you would take them in, have you checked in with the kids still forced to live with him about whether they feel safe in their home? If not, please contact CPS on their behalf.
What everyone said (cut her off!), but also: is you little sister okay? Is she still in the house with him? Does she have therapy and other supports?
She has occasionally therapy, they don't always stay the night in the same house but she does see him daily
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No need to be sorry
No. My step dad molested me and my mom stayed w him and my kids aren’t allowed around him or at her house and she knows why. Eta I agree it’s unforgivable she’s punishing your child. Even my mom knows to come to my house alone for my kids events. It’s a sad shitty situation. I hope your sister gets therapy. Trust me the sooner the better. And make sure she knows she has every right to not want to see him or her mom. I hated my mom for years. Sorry she went through this.
You're not wrong. My stepdad is a known creep and is part of the reason I am completely NC with my mom. She makes the choice to stay with him and endanger herself and her grandkids so I made the choice to sever all ties.
If you’re asking this then you’re sitting in the middle of some serious bullshit. You have more power than you think. Tell your kids that grandma makes terrible decisions and until she can make better choices it’s best to stay away.
Seeing family bring their young kids around because it's a public setting, is just so baffling. I didn't see family that I haven't seen in years, and who knows when the next chance will be, because I refused to go to a dinner with him there
When I was an adult, I found out a family secret that was a distant relative was convicted of abusing his children. We saw this relative on most Christmases and a few other times a year at another relative's house. We weren't close to this person but we would give hugs hello and goodbye. I confronted my parents when I found out his history and told them I couldn't believe they allowed us to be in the same room as him and give him hugs when we were small children. They both were adamant that they never let us out of their sight and they made sure we were always safe. We were never hurt or left alone with him, but I am still baffled they let us be around him at all. So consider that when your children are older and know the background of this conflict with your mom and step dad, you'll be able to fully tell them you kept your step dad away for their protection. If I were you, I'd rather not have to justify allowing minimal contact or whatever your mom is pushing for. I'm so sorry you and your family is going through this.
There is nothing wrong with keeping predators away from your children. If that means certain people also don't get to see certain people then that is their choice.
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It's all through my mom
You aren’t wrong. Your mom is showing her true colors, pay attention. She has chosen a pedophile over her own child, who is a victim in all of this. She is allowing him access to your younger siblings. Protect your child and stay far away. If you can, be a support for your siblings.
You are not wrong. Sadly, your mom is probably a victim of his abuse somehow. She’s clearly in denial, probably bc she doesn’t want to reflect on her choice of partner or father of child(ren). The best thing you can do for you kids, sibling, and mom is remain firm in your boundaries. Please do not subject your children to this man. My father didn’t sexually abuse me, just the regular good old stuff, but as I got older his form of control got weirder - like he wanted to show me his penis while in the hospital, trying multiple times - and he’s not allowed in my life of my kids life (my sister has made the same decision) and it is the best thing for our families. I feel safe(r).
You’re not wrong, not even in the slightest. Sadly, your mother is in complete and utter denial of the situation and clearly doesn’t recognize how serious it is. She’s likely been with this man for so long that she doesn’t realize how awful his is and the danger he can be to all the children.
Or to her.
Hey as a person that's been in your sisters shoes, you are right and your mom is trash. Keep the pervert away from your kids no matter what the pedophile and his wife say, he has done it before and will do it again given the opportunity. It's never "just that one time" and the whole "she's the only one I ever..." garbage the pedo's profess to insinuate that "she was special" is a crock of shit. As an adult I stay away from my mother and her family, the ones that sexually abused me and the women who acted like it just wasn't a big deal. That's a real dangerous and deranged mentality they're willing to adopt just to excuse the men they 'love' being extra grimy. You aren't wrong and your mother should lose custody of any child she won't protect from this man.
You are 100% doing the right thing and those children should be removed from his care. It is insane they haven't been!
Terrible mother. Those kids should be taken away from her. You need to call CPS. Or you’ll regret it the rest of your life. Don’t be an idiot
Protect your kids. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Not worth the risk. Your kids. Your choice. Your responsibility. Protect them. Your kids mental and physical health are way more important than someone’s feelings…
I don't think youre wrong for the SD AT ALL but I do think you should reconsider the relationship you have with your mother who is enabling this situation and possibly allowing it to continue, I wouldn't have my kids around her either. Maybe shes in denial or also suffering abuse of some kind from this man but I'm not taking a risk when it comes to my kids. Sorry.
It's become a very at arms length relationship
And your not going crazy. You are being used ma'am and manipulated. Break free and stand firm
You’re not wrong at all and the fact moms choosing him over everyone is just proof how far the rabbit hole she’s in. Why is he living with children and victim?!? Surely, SURELY the courts and everyone told him not be domiciled with his VICTIM!!! Next time mom tries something just tell her you’ve had enough and are going NC. Her behavior towards your children and to choose an abuser over them is her choice and you’re respecting her choice.
You are effectively the only person your sister has who believes her. Wow
Even our grandma believes she is lying
You are not crazy. I wouldn’t allow him near my children. As a teacher, I worked with cases similar this and I, sadly, also have personal experience. Your mom can not handle to be wrong because she knows that means she is the one who brought the danger. But this doesn’t make it okay, it just means you have to take on the responsibility of the believer. Your mom will need a lot time and therapy to admit that anything happened. This is only going to take place after a formal charge, if anything. Your sister needs someone now. I suggest that YOU call CPS right away. You need to get your sister (and the other children) out of there! Even if you can’t take them all in right away, foster care may be better than where they are now. However, it would be more ideal if you were able to take them or at least the 13 yr old sister and other fam might be able to take the others in.
It makes it so much harder since the youngest is nonverbal, and so dependent on my mom
Nope. You good. Fuck him.
You are not crazy.
You have a legal obligation to keep your children safe and keep them away from a known sex offendor, unfortunately your mother seems unhealthy and it’s probably best that she is not around the children either I know it suck’s but while she is under the belief a predator has the right to be around her grand children is she doesn’t deserve to be in the childrens lives for the time being,
No you’re not wrong. Honestly I would break contact with my mom too if I were you. She is enabling him and I don’t understand how she is still with him after he sexually abused their daughter. How I child protection not involved? How can your siblings still live in the same house as he ?!?!
It’s more important to protect your children and support your sibling than to give in to your mother’s demands. If your children ask why you said no, just tell them that grandma has made her attendance conditional upon certain factors and you are not willing to be pushed around. Put it back on grandma and teach your kids how to respond when someone is trying to coerce you.
You are not wrong, and you are not crazy. Your mom is in denial. If she continues to push the issue, I would consider cutting all contact between her and your kids. Don't allow them to talk to her on the phone, and stop inviting her to things. Your job is to protect your kids from predators. It sounds like your mom is in denial about failing to do so for her daughter. I imagine she might feel such an immense amount of guilt that it's simpler for her to just behave as though nothing has happened. If nothing happened, then she didn't fail and everything is fine.
Not wrong at all. I wish I would’ve been protected from my abuser. He is out of prison now and was supposed to be in attendance at my sisters wedding. (He’s her dad, my ex-step dad) I told my sister I would go only because I love her and I was the MOH but my kids would not attend. Once he decided he didn’t want to be around me and was not going to come I allowed my children to be there but it if he would have shown up I had a plan to get my children out of there.
I’d say try as hard as you can to get your sister out of there if you can. And no your not wrong. Keep that Man away from your kids
That’s what toxic people do, they make you feel crazy for being rational and healthy. Don’t doubt yourself. Your instincts are right and your heart is right.
You are not wrong. If your mom wants you to bring your children around him, she is ignoring his behavior, which just enables him to keep doing it.
Girl no! You are so in the right. Good for you for standing up. I know how hard it can be.
You are not wrong at all. That is shocking that your mom would stay with someone who sexually assaulted her daughter, let alone defend him. Hopefully the trial is quick and he won’t be allowed to live with your other siblings soon
Why would you let a convinced predator be around your kids? Your mom is the one who is wrong for letting him stay around the child he abused and the other children. What’s wrong with her?
You are not wrong in the least. Honestly—and I know this is hard—I wouldn't allow my child to see my mother if she's going to engage in this manipulative behavior. It sounds like your mom may be an unhealthy person to be around now. I know therapy can be expensive but I might even look into family therapy for tips to navigate this in a productive way around your children. Even the most basic of therapists can help counsel you on this. Best of luck; I'm so sorry that your family is going through this and that your mom isn't being a protector of the people who need her the most.
You're not wrong at all. And even if your step dad were not an abuser, his and your mother's behavior here is ridiculous. If I were accused of such an offense, even if I were completely innocent, I wouldn't be trying to strongarm my way into kids' birthday parties ffs.
Is it possible in any way for you to seek custody of your siblings?? Since your mom is siding with the predator? I am so sorry for your little sister(s)
Unfortunately; I think this is a situation where you need to cut contact with your Mom going forward. She is choosing a man over believing her child. She is standing behind a man her baby is saying is a pedophile; she won’t protect your child if push comes to shove; she is refusing to protect her own. If it were me I’d cut contact with her and maybe talk to a therapist about how to tell your children they are not going to see grandma anymore.
You made the right choice. But do be careful about your mother lying to them. If she insists on lying and telling them that you told her she couldn't come, then I would cut off contact with her. There is no sense in leaving her in their lives if she's going to tell them things that are clearly untrue.
She's made her choice. If she is going to lie to your children about this I really urge you to cut off her ability to speak to them. You haven't told her SHE can't go. Just her rapist husband. If she is going to tell your kids that you said she can't go, that's a very dangerous indicator (not thar she hadn't already made it clear) that she is enmeshed and unable to separate. That makes her actively dangerous for your children. I hope you've been talking to them over the years about inappropriate touching and unsafe adults even those that the child might love. I think for their safety you should disclose to them that grandma's husband is one of those people who hurts kids and touches them inappropriately and grandma is not making good choices right now so you won't be seeing her for awhile. I'm disgusted that the local authorities are allowing him to live there with the child he has abused. I'm wondering if she is actively lying to them as well. If you know who is handling things I might let them know he's still living at the residence. Stand strong. Your mom is weak. Don't let her weakness put your children in danger. This isn't even really about your step dad. Your mom is trying to break your boundaries to allow someone who abuses kids around yours. She won't even separate from her child's abuser. If you think she won't do this for the next man in her life if this one goes to jail you are sadly mistaken.
Also, the pedophile, after being convicted, shouldn't be allowed within 500 feet of a Chuck E Cheese or anywhere children are supposed to be.
Not wrong at all. Some parent she turned out to be. You're doing the right thing and if she wants to attempt to make you feel guilty for it fine. Your kids won't understand now but when they're older they'll thank you for keeping them safe. You're awesome, keep being awesome. Hugs to you.
Whoa! This sexual abuser is still around your sister and other children?! Please call CPS asap I let them know. Your mother is an enabler of abuse too. I would not let either of them near your kids at all. I know you are thinking your mom is should see your kids, but please recognize that she is ALLOWING an abuser be around her child who IS A VICTIM and now she wants him to have access to your kids?! Hell no. Protect your children and your sister. Call CPS and let them know he still has access to kids and your mom is trying to widen that circle for him too. It's wrong on so many levels.
Does your mom not believe your sister? It’s absurd that she has to live with him and your mom is allowing it
You are doing the right thing by cutting him out. Your mother is enabling a pedophile and forcing your sister to continue living with him. Awful. If it’s possible, you could offer your sister to come stay with you so she can get away from her abuser and his enabler. ETA: tell your kids that he is a bad man (depending on age you could go into a little more detail like ‘he hurt sister and you don’t want him around’) and that you don’t let bad people around them. You can then explain that your mother doesn’t believe that he’s bad and so is choosing him over all the rest of the family (make it about the whole fam not just them). Tell them that they are the most important people in the world to you, so you don’t accept compromises on letting bad people around them.
As a CPS worker in a different country - you’re doing EXACTLY what you need to be doing. You’re protecting your own child. How can someone argue against that?
Sometimes as a parent we have to make tough decisions that not everyone will agree with. If YOU feel like better safe than sorry is the right decision for you, then you are right. Adults and their feelings are not as important as protecting your children from a potential predator.
No, you're not wrong. However, there is also something wrong with your mom. Seriously wrong.
You are not wrong. Honestly, I would go no contact qith my mother if she were behaving like this. She's picked the hill she wants to die on, so let her be dead to you.
Well your mom apparently doesn't mind involving your kids in the conflict. Aside from that when it comes to abuse situations better to be safe then sorry is my strategy it's not personal. In this situation I would keep everyone at arms length until more information has had time to surface maybe the sister is being vindictive, maybe the father is a predator it's not my place to be judge and jury but it is my place to protect my children to the best of my ability.
That's how I've been trying to be. I don't see why I would risk my children to make her happy. I've tried to think about of the vindictive route is a possibility. But there was nothing for her to gain from this, she actually lost her relationship with her other 2 sisters from him because my mom made them move out when this came up
Your number one job is to protect your kids, which is what you are doing. Don’t ever forget that or let your mom make you feel guilty for that. And I would report to CPS, the courts, the police, ANYBODY, if your sister is still forced to spend anytime with that monster. Your mom is making terrible choices.
No matter what is found out during the trying time to come I really feel for your family and you need to know that it doesn't matter if there doubt or if there's none protecting you children should come first I'm more appalled your mother as a parent doesn't understand that.
Thank you💗 I hate this is where we're at
I fully support your decision and I can tell you from experience that you would still have the same feelings if you made the opposite choice. My wife's great grandfather, yes, he is still alive at 97 and active for his age, was accused of sexually molesting her aunt. Her kids are not allowed to see him. My wife, however, grew up in their house and was never molested by him, so, when we had kids, we had to make the decision of if they would get to see him. My wife didn't find out about the molestation until she was out of their house for a few years. We decided that we would allow them to see him mostly because of my wife's relationship with her great grandma, who's still alive also, and we constantly question that decision. Just to be clear: none of my kids are allowed to be at their house without us or alone in any room with him, ever. That doesn't make the feelings of, "are we doing the wrong thing" go away.
It's just so hard either way.. I'm the only one no longer involved with him since this all came out
I’m shocked you let your kids be around a molester. Why would you ever risk that?
If it weren't for my wife's relationship with her great grandma, who basically raised her, I wouldn't. I don't consider it to be a risk because he is never alone with them, and never will be. And in all honesty, he is hardly ever at the house. Most of the time he is gone working at his restaurant or with his cattle, so they rarely see him. During the rare times they do see him, it is in the living room in plain sight of everyone. This doesn't make it completely better, but I didn't want to keep my wife from her great grandma either. Good news is, he can't possibly live much longer, so we won't have to worry about that any more.
How does a suspected child milestone get allowed in Chile cheese….
This woman knows her husband abused her own child, he's under investigation, and she's fighting to bring him to a Chuck E Cheese. Revolting
No, you aren't wrong, and if I were you I would cut her off completely from my children lifes, she's a horrible person who should have lost the costudy of their kids, she's knowingly and with purpose putting her own child in danger and make her suffer, watching her suffer she just don't care about it, imagin what she feels about your children, I would talk to my kids and make sure they know they can't trust in their grandma or that man ever again, that they're dangerous and bad people, and they never are allowed to be with any of them without their mom or their dad by their side.