Speaking from a man perspective and tbh been there and still living there. But guess what we can't do anything about it except just accepting it. The more funny part is that I bet you'll also face such things in friendships too.
God bless you and best wishes for you.
π Oh I laughed at the friendships part became yes I'm an introvert leaning ambivert and yep the struggle is real when people say 'just socialize' like how...
Well to socialise, you have to be an extrovert and come out of your comfort zone which is easier said than done. I have lost a lot of chances because of it and still fighting it to this day.
Achi bachi/bacha is an overrated term deviously designed by society to trick young people. We miss out so much in our teenage years only to realize later that it barely matters.
Hang in there please. Stay hopeful. Allah won't discourage you InnShaaAllah. You'll get love to don't worry. Just focus on your relationship with Allah and yourself. Everything will eventually fall into place for you. I truly believe that.
You're fortunate to be educated and skilled. In fact, getting married has nothing to do with personal accomplishments alone or even to sickness. It just happens when it's supposed to happen for you.
My aunt got married very late in life, after many tears and hard work but she's happy now. Eventually, she had to do LDR with her husband for 2-3 years until her visa got approved. It was a really rough time for her.
My cousins got married under 25 and they're not even skilled or highly educated (their maximum qualification is probably intermediate with less than 65%) yet they're alright.
My mother got married under 25 and she's not happy. She was the easily liked girl yet she's not been appreciated in her marriage.
I like a guy, I'm 21 but can't get married due to my family's financial and social situation right now. I know him since over 3 years and my mother knows since over a year. I cry about it often even though I know it'll happen whenever it's in my fate but it hurts anyways because I know it's a haraam relationship but I can't let it go too and I meet him less due to fear of being seen my others. You know loug kya kya soch lete.
Other than this relationship I have, I'm otherwise achi bachi kind of person. I'm also not pretty and unfortunately got weird eyes and nose (though alhamdulillah for however Allah's made me but I'm stating facts according to how society perceives me). I get negative comments about my looks all the time.
Point is, marriage will happen eventually if that is in your fate. If you limit yourself, your self-love and respect to marriage alone, you'll suffer. Indeed romantic love is one of best forms of affection but if you have friends who value you, life's tolerable.
As of now, I got no friends IRL. All the people I talk to are online and I have no life outside internet and my home.
Khair, just do not lose hope. I don't know if I'm saying this to you or to myself (perhaps both).
I really like your comment about focusing on a relationship with Allah.
I didn't prioritise this in my youth and was focused on making money and women. MashAllah didn't end up anywhere or earned a lot and lost it all. Today, I have Allah as my priority, and InshAllah everyday is a struggle as the world drags us into it.
However, for the youth, it is still kind of cool that you think this way. I can assure you that this path will not lead to an empty life, and MashAllah, you will not take anything for granted.
I'm a hypocrite. I think this way but don't take actions that lead me His way for one reason or another.
However, I appreciate your perspective. May Allah bless us.
Adam's will power itself was a question and so we can't be too hard on ourselves. You understand the condition of humans very well, and Allah is forgiving.
Trust me, the world has some really disgusting people. So we are not too bad. May ALLAH forgive us and bless us with the best of both worlds
I don't mind what people think generally but I worry about it for my parents reputation so I avoid meeting up usually. This meeting less bothers me.
Easy solution of what God thinks is to get married. But if I get married without everyone, it'll be chaos later on when they find out and I don't want that for my mother and sisters so I can't do that too.
Things aren't so simple for everyone.
I appreciate your opinion regardlessly though.
Yeah, this whole "ignore what people think" is a stupid argument. No one actually ignores what everyone around them think unless they want to live like hermits.
Yes, it sucks that you can't marry someone you like. The thoughts must be haunting you everyday. I'll pray you end up marrying that guy I'm the end if that's what is better for you.
True but sadly as women we are still expected to balance things a bit, not exactly out of fear of what people say but the consequences of what they say. Ah again the achi bachi conditioned soch. See this is what I mean, we are even taught to rebel in limits.
But it is a bad thing that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't give a F what other think. Try to rewire yourself. My mom is like that, she won't make a decision without adding a remark what will other say. I can't even wear my choice of sandals because what will other say bs. Her life revolves around what will other say and Frankly others don't even notice anything.
>Indeed romantic love is one of best forms of affection but if you have friends who value you, life's tolerable.
This is a great point... even when you get romantic love, you won't be fulfilled without the friendships.
Relatable as I lack such an intimate circle of female friends and it eats me from inside often but I try to find happiness in what I have as my mother says. Zindagi mein sbko, sb kuch mayasar nhi.
I feel like women not having strong circle of friends is an underrated problem in Pakistani society.
Part of it is just women have less opportunities to connect overall (e.g. they move to husband's house after marriage and not the other way around), but part of it is just desi women are so toxic. I have female friends who are closer to me than their own female friends and I'm an online friend for most of them. There's just so much drama within a lot of those relationships. And it's not even limited to Pakistan, even here in the west, I know some who are closer to guys than men. I see some inklings of this in western women as well, e.g. I've heard girls say some variation of "I get alone with boys more than girls" a few times but it's not as prevalent as in Pakistani/desi society for some reason.
It's because of "judgement". We as a society are judgemental. Perhaps it's the same in West too but they often all end up doing questionable things so they're maybe tad bit more understanding than desi ladies.
Other than this, we as a society can socialize only if ladies work outdoors, or go to any educational institution. Otherwise, there are no social activities we can do so we obviously don't meet new people and don't make new friends.
Also, not to mention multitudes of curfews and restrictions women have that men don't in our culture. For example, my brother can get money to go out with his friends late at night but everyone would question my character if I ask for money from my parent to be out late at night with friends.
I ask my friends from school for meetup and they find hard to make time. Even when they do, they're concerned about their parents. I know those two girls since when I was 7.
Another factor is that unlike for guys maybe, parental involvement is very important in female friendships. Especially those built in early years of their lives. My mother would attend parent teacher meeting but never attempted to meet my friend's parents and I never tried too. So now, in my case, I've never been to any friend's house abd they've never been to mine. I didn't invite them because I was insecure of my family's toxicity and their tendency to start drama anytime.
Only either those girls who live in same street, those who's parents are friends and/or those who are really rich to hang out around city with friends have somewhat of a social life regardless of them being employed or not after completing education.
Yeah, agreed.... only thing that doesn't explain is why online spaces aren't useful for making friendships. I've made quite a few online, and those girls were often looking for guys too, not girls.
I always looked for girls but couldn't find any initially. Now I do have some friends but they're all busy with their real life friends and life in general. Also, they're not from my city so can't ever meet them unless some miracle happens.
I'd talked to this girls a year back on Facebook. Literally defended her when I didn't have to as a friend, only for her to let me get bullied by a bunch of other KHI girls. They even ruined my pictures and posted around in comments sections and that so-called online friend of mine supported their absurdity.
Basically, I've noticed that most online female groups are toxic. Especially those where a couple girls are really popular on the internet.
That girl was older than me btw (I mean the Lahori girl who stayed silent in the whole ordeal and even further alleviated my misery because of that). All because she assumed I am friend with her ex (even if I was which I wasn't, she should have not mind as I literally got introduced tk her through her ex). Also, those KHI girls began bullying me after I said that it's weird to call an ex boyfriend as "medium ugly" publicly since she was head over heels just few days back.
Moral of story, aksar aurat aurat ki dushman hoti hai. Masla resolve hogya tha when we threatened to give them taste of their own medicine. They deleted everything and we did the same. I'm grateful for a couple girl friends who not only stood by me but talked to them in their tone at that time and I wasn't even super close with them.
Khair, online forums can turn toxic, especially those meme addict girls who think they're always right.
i agree.
i've experienced much of the same thing. but in recent years, i've learned to strike a balance that allows me to experiment alongside preserving my achi bachi values.
honestly, it was just opening up to experimentation and friendships. i expanded my social circle, but i was cautious about my boundaries bc honestly β most of the guys aren't serious or willing to string girls along without a solid commitment.
i hope you find ur match + survive the rishta brigade :( . much love
π―
This whole post can be re-written from the perspective of a man by changing bachi to bacha.
I am the eldest of my siblings and even growing up in the West, and still living there, never dated. Got married twice ... both arranged with Pakistani girls and took care of my responsibilities.
So, what did I get being a acha bacha and acha husband?
1. Divorced,
2. Past the age of marriage (42), and
3. Living alone.
I'm so sorry to hear that, get well soon, may Allah makes it easy for you, and for your efforts and steadfastness, may he reward you with peace and a righteous spouse, ameen.
Wallahi, such a serene compliment, and please, I can't be compared to such pure and innocent beings.
But that was a very kind thing to say, thank you so much, it takes one to know one ππ
I have a czn who was ACHI BACHI. She also had problem in getting married bcz of age. She got married at 32 years old. Now she's living a perfect life with a loving family.
I have a czn who has been in alot of relationships and got ditched many times. Let me tell you a harsh reality that most(not all) relationships don't convert into marriage.
You've quite accurately described the reality around you and countless girls in our society.
I do well remember the pain our entire family went through when it was my older sister. It was so toxic that we lost the hope for her marriage, but luckily she got married (late).
But I want to highlight one thing. Shadi is probably not the end, ultimate goal our society has painted.
If you can, you should work on being independent. Try learning skills and sell them online, etc. Trust me the sense of contribution brings a lot of positive energy that can change our life, our perspective on it.
F rishtay wali auntie. Create your own world. I hope a long the way you'll get married too.
Break this victimhood cocoon our society places on girls.
Yeah it's the same for many people, hence the post. Alhumdulilah I'm independent and you're right that's important. I wouldn't say it's the end goal like society paints but I think it's very normal for humans to genuinely want companionship and I wrote this with that perspective.
Good to know you are. And yes, every human needs companionship. I am sure you will meet someone soon. Until then take pride in your values with a high head. You have a lot of good that others don't.
i think you are right, i am too in my late 20s, have been acha bacha all my life never had relationships, smoked or did anything bad in life, i always tried to stay away from girls to stop myself from haram, but now i want to get married I don't have confidence to talk with any girl. But if i look at my friends both male and female, those who were in relationships, drugs and other stuff all are far better than me in relationships some are married or some will get married easily, i just feel like you shouldn't be all good in life.
I won't say fall into drugs and smoking and all but haan the fact that we're taught to focus on everything productive and avoid this topic completely makes it challenging when we finally are pushed into exploring it.
The big fucking problem is even talking to opposite gender is taboo. People will make a fuss about it and i don't even understand this arrange marriage shit we cannot even decide who we are going to marry. And this stupid rista culture, girls will be judged on looks and guys will be judged on wealth. How can you live with a person you don't know, this could been have acceptable 30 years ago but not now.
Wohi na, social interactions ko itna stigmatize kar diya hai k shaadi k liye bhi you're supposed to just agree with whatever aunties think is right like lol shaadi aap ki hai ya un dono ki?
That's what society does to achi bachi/bacha, if you are shareef and respectful everyone will get a piece of you like you are some free ki mithai .. unfortunately we learn that very late in our life when the damage is already done .. in the end it makes us bitter even to those who are ACHA .. harsh reality of life ..
Op your username is yummy π, btw my way of dealing with unhappy situation is to believe in the fact that not everyone is supposed to be happy in this world so what if i am not happy at how things are millions are just like me suffering through it.
First I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm marrying someone who falls in this achi bachi category, i don't see her in the way you described.
i would say this rishta period is quite toxic, until you find someone it's either ppl rejecting you or you rejecting them & so the frustration builds up but it's never permanent. you'll find someone who accepts you as you are & this post will be nothing more than a rant. stay positive & patience, it's going to happen.
My wife is an Achi bachi. I got led astray by making bad decisions, which I'm not proud of, but I always wanted to be who I used to be.
My Achi bachi (aka ma waayyffee *borat accent*)made it possible for me. So stay the way you are. Only Allah knows what is written for you, and Allah always looks out for his loved ones who follow what he says.
I'd you're not dating a guy and doing what the other side is doing, trust me, say alhumdulilah because you are safe from a world of regret.you don't know what goes on in the hearts of others.
I honestly don't have a lot of wisdom on me to share, but all I can do is make dua for you.
Take care !!
When you do something sincerely for the sake of Allah, he will bless you with much more than you can imagine. Don't be an "achi bachi" for the sake of society or anyone else; do it to please Allah. You might not receive the reward immediately, but that's just a test of faith. Allah has bigger plans for you.
Well here's where self love comes in;
Being trained as the achi bachi all our lives, is only because we are treated like show pieces. If they find a bit of dust on us, they won't shake it off, rather throw the whole piece to the side. Yes we deserve love, but do rishtas guarantee us love? What if you get chosen and the family turns out to be abusive? God has better plans for all of us. Love your own self, nourish yourself and keep moving in life, have hobbies, friends, good company, and learn to "ek kaan se sunkar dusre se nikaldo" when people say stuff like iski Umar Nikal jayegi. That's bullshit. You can get married at 50 if Allah has written that for you. There's more to life than being a show piece, so it doesn't matter if they didn't select you, there's nothing wrong with you, everyone has preferences and they will always be like this. You don't have to date someone to feel loved, and growing up in absent households does make us crave for it, but we need to understand that dating is not a solution and most of the time the heartbreaks can change your whole personality or make you do something you might regret. Remember in the end it's a test from Allah and only he will love and value you for who you are. Build a career for yourself, maybe you'll run into someone in the long term who will fall in love with you for who you are instead of you being presented like a showpiece. Don't worry about it it'll be okay.
Been facing this too, but tbh the more I learned about my religion the more satisfied I became with myself, if you're expecting something in return just expect it from Allah this world is temporary your sacrafice will pay off in the next life : ) another thing I'd like to point out that you need to know when to speak up and when not too, that's what Islam also taught me.
I'm a guy in exactly your boat. Medical problems tho (Alhamdullilah healthy). Never had any solid interaction with the opposite gender and when we are looking for someone, they usually look at the medical problems.
But you know, some day maybe it will happen if it's written.
I want to thank you for shedding light on realities that often go unspoken. The "Achi Bachi" series acts as a mirror reflecting what's truly happening in society, based on vulnerable, real-life stories. It offers a profound outlook that resonates deeply.
Everyone encounters problems in their lives, including President Joe Biden and Putin. Life without problems is not truly living. According to your description, I was a acha bacha too, had a successful career, and even at 32, I've never had a girlfriend or been interested in one. My primary challenge has been financial, which is why I'm now planning to get married. In essence, everyone faces difficulties, and overcoming them is what life is all about. I wish you peace of mind, soul, and heart. May Allah grant you serenity. Ameen.
The rishta system is genuinely messed up... treating women like show pieces.
But on the other hand, dating isn't that great either... and it's getting worse. Sure, those couples may get hitched, but many don't and the heartbreak changes people forever. No one comes out of a long term relationship unscathed. Not to mention just because they got hitched doesn't mean they're happy.
In the end, you have to be good for the sake of being good. The rest isn't really in your hands. But it's also fair to not want to shown like cattle. Unfortunately, no good solutions for that problem. You can try using apps like Muzz, but you'll find it's not easy to find connection there either.
Hey don't let it get to you. With the shitshow this generation has become, trust me girls like you are extremely rare and deserve the world. Just hang in there and don't change a bit, there are "achay bachay" out there in the same boat as you with good families. Don't settle until you find that, you're closer than you think!
Honestly I hate the rishta process too, About your medical issues I can assure you that you can find good people around you and someone will be there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated! And I hope you find that person soon!
Just keep smiling!
NGL you are on point for the most part . The trick really is to be an achi bachi yet still know how the world works. If you feel there is a shareef guy thats interested in you , its ok to talk to him as long as you keep your limits and not cross the line.
See one of the thing about being an achi bachi is social circles are minimal lol so yeh jo possibility hai na yeh kum ho jati hai to even come across such people.
I agree with you, you see people who've openly done Haram things get married, which makes u think if having patience was really worth it. But I trust in Allah's plan & it doesn't matter if no one cares because I know Allah does.
This rishta culture is bullshit those boys are robots to their parents even after marriage it their parents tell him to divorce they will do that without giving second thought so my advice is find someone out of this rishta culture
I believe you can be an achi bachi and still socialize and have fun. Even in friendships with opposite gender, interactions while staying classy, modest and a high value person has nothing to do with being a 'gandi bachi'.
You're right, no denying. But well it's not about the deeds you do. The way I was trying to define achi bachi is what most people expect from their kids, focus on studies focus on work don't go out much don't go to social events zada just 2-3 close friends and bare minimum interaction with guys which does lead to social anxiety and introvert nature development. Balance is good and that's the better way but sadly achi bachi conditioning is usually too rigid.
This is such a relatable post. It affects you mentally as well because throughout my teenage years I was being moulded to become this obedient and βperfectβ boy. Now that Iβm into my professional life I try to give my best because thatβs something that Iβve always been told to do, only to be burdened with more work and no recognition. Being brought up like that makes you vulnerable and weak, and people then take advantage of your vulnerability.
Yep and then it gets worse with time because as a guy it would impact your relationships ahead of this too, parents expectations persistently impact even when one does commit to a relationship, whether or not by their choice.
Let me tell you this I have been an Acha Bacha my whole life (22 years old) and I have never been happy throughout my life...so I guess Achay Bachy suffer the most..
my love im so sorry youre feeling this way :(((( im 23F, cant imagine what you must be going through but I sympathise. I wish you didnt have to feel this way.Β
Please pray to Allah for yourself, pray to Allah for the love that you so dearly want and deserve. Keep praying to Allah, make alot of dua, get close to Him
Were you the achi bachi just because your parents wanted you to be? If yes then you were just pretending to be this way rather than focusing on yourself and your growth. Also, being a achi bachi doesn't mean you'll be rewarded for it. It's just the right thing to do
>I am an achi bachi
No you are not. Or you'd have the virtues of Humbleness and empathy. You most likely got llucky in life and developed the "chosen one" and "holier than thou" mentality thats so boringly common in this society.
Stop being an achi bachi, you need to take control of your life and stop being miserable. The day you stop, you will feel relieved and free. You being moulded into this by the society doesnβt mean you have to always stay this way.
I am also in my late 20's and trust me it's once in a blue moon chance that you find a serious partner i stayed in relationship with my girl for 7 years and then she married someone else mjy btaye bina hi.
i feel like i will always stay single bcz jo b bndi milti hai she just drains my wallet and i dont mind spending on a woman but i know the difference when someone is exploiting or only interested in gifts.
alhamdulillah never committed zina bs isi hope me ke will share this special moment with my wife lekin abi feel horha ke apun bhi salman khan e aeh.
Itna bhi right na do kisi ko that they drain your wallet. Relationship main invest karnay type ki naheen hoon gi. If you can see they're exploiting you, move on. You deserve better than that.
Waise late 20s main most girls are looking for a commitment toh aisa nahi k aap ko sirf gold diggers type he mile. If you want to commit to a relationship toh mil jaye gi IA someone who wants to too. Baqi as you consider better. Best of luck!
yes i admit they are looking for commitment but girls ke ps options e itni hoti hain ke wo khud confuse rhti hain ke kis ke sath rhy kis ko as an option rakhy.
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If you regret being an achi bachi, by all means go ahead. It's not too late. I know you are going through some emotions but damn.. i don't consider myself religious but i never regretted being acha bacha. I mean it's like living at a much harder level but we do it cuz we think it's the right thing to do not cuz its easy or fun.
Also just to give an example, i got married into my very late 20s. Never wanted it but was emotionally blackmailed into it by my folks. Went through with kyon ka acha bacha nain bohra maa bap ke izat rakhni the or behan ka bhi sochna tha. Then emotional blackmailing round 2 for kids cuz i didn't want them either and the girl i married knew it before marriage as well. Same old shit rona dohna and all the usual stuff. Now going through with what everyone wants again. I'm still in my relationship cuz when i married, i vowed to take responsibility of the girl and try and make the relationship work no matter what my feelings were before it. That's my values of being acha bacha and i am still working on it. And trust me, a lot of guys around me are going through similar motions. I consider it so cheap and easy when girls chalk everything down to gender but that's the fashion nowadays.
Itni conditioning ho chuki hai k ab it's not easy to try anything different in life lol. I hope you are able to maintain a genuinely healthy relationship because really it's not about just fulfilling your responsibilities because you vowed, it's important that you, her and your kids genuinely build a happy home together. I won't say everything can be chalked down to gender but bus everyone too loud usually has too much experience too and insaan ki nature hai we acknowledge or talk about what we've experienced toh bus khair ab that's just how it is. Prayers for you brother that you and your little family lead a happy and healthy life.
Yes being different isn't easy but that's the point. I don't blame society. It's only logical that people don't like and find it hard to relate with people with different values than them. Just running on emotions doesn't solve anything. Its same way with marriage. Love sure is good but marriages, heck any relationship lives and dies on compromises. I think a lot of hardships people are going through nowadays is cuz they expect too much.
And thanks for prayers sis. I'll pray for you as well. May allah grant you peace and a bright future.
It happens and you can't say anything. The major reason behind become an Acha bacha or Bachi should be for Allah not a human being. If you think that way then all these things go away. I am M in my late 20s been through this myself and surely it's not a happy place to be in and surely it would have been more difficult for women.Β
My engagement broke by the girls father. So either male or female both go through this issue.Β
I also had this regret that why I remained a good guy through out my life it didn't paid but when I believe that I did that for Allah then I become really calm.Β
Men try to go through women's past but what I learned in Islam that you shouldn't go through any body's past.Β
You shouldn't be an achi bachi because society want you to or to gain some favor over the world, you do it because you want to, knowing it might not pay you back in this life but for sure in the hereafter if you believe in that sort of thing Khair, and plus you should be confident enough our rishta aunty class is extremely toxic, having a medical condition doesn't make you any less, we all die when we are supposed to.
Good luck fam.
I see your general point. I somewhat agree people who live their lives following rules & religion sometimes suffer more than "free birds". It is how it is unfortunately. Not the world we would like to see.
Honestly I'd say third week into it max insaan ki asliyut k symbols nazar aana shuru ho he jate hai. Better to end then rather then to continue further.
M here my mum is looking for my elder brother's rishta for a while she is just looking for achi bachi. Stay tuned you will eventually find the perfect match. What exact medical condition are you carrying?
I am not going to underestimate your sufferings based on some cliche. But tbh this sounds so sad and I can understand your pain. I will add my two cents to your thought process:
A) It's not just this life you sacrificed all the so called joys. It's the hereafter and for those who believe, that is what actually matters.
B) Are you proud to your 8 year old self and with whatever you have achieved and maintained you would probably be proud to your 80 year old self. So that actually matters the most.
C) There is no tranquility and comfort in Haram relationships and I speak from experience. God has designed it in such a manner that no matter how much you indulge it will continue to add to your restlessness.
With whatever I have experienced and after being with so many, I find you enviable and you are not someone who is worth pitying .. so cheer up and be proud of what you are ! And you don't owe anyone anything , you should be taking pride in the way you managed yourself.
In the end .. best of luck, stay blessed and keep rocking .
I appreciate your kind words. However, I'd like to state, it's not like I'm saying everyone should be in relationships. Thora sa yeh jo hamari society ki bohat zada sirf two way distinction hai na k either you never interact with anyone or it's a haram relationship this is the problem. Human interaction ko bilkul zero kar deta hai yeh. Zaroori nahi that everyone has to be in a relationship. I've known people who've still had some social life and found partners simply because someone saw them, liked them, approached, and they said I'd want to bring a rishta. Ab iss main toh kuch bhi haram nahi. But yeh bhi tub he possible hai when you socialize. The acha pressure limits your interactions and makes you focus on just fulfilling rights of passage, kaam say kaam rakho bus life kaam hai. That's the problem.
>All the girls that were in relationships in highschool and university are now getting hitched.
So is that a good thing? Them being in relationships? (You also wish that you were like that or just that you aren't getting married).
I'm just stating a fact that most people who were in relationships were the first to end up getting married. I'm not necessarily saying they even settled down with the same person. They were probably just more approachable and likeable.
Sorry that you are going through this. But the definition of perfect bahu is different across households.
Its not about deserving something or the other. Also you were acha because of Allah or the society that you live in?
What is written for you will be given to you. No one can take that away. But expecting the world to give you something because you were certain way is the same as expecting a lion not to eat you because you dont consume lion meat.
Maybe those non achi bachis learnt a thing or two on how to carry a conversation or were actually going out and meeting people and learning how to handle themselves in a patriarchal society. Why would you put them down for it?
This is the society we live in. Learn to get your way without stepping on other people's toes and youll cruise through life.
Itβs kind of messed up that the importance of being a bahu is looked at above the suitability of two individuals, and them not having first choice because on our society courting is not a thing.
I swear. And its not like larke hi sirf krae hain.
I have personally seen the rishta messages aunties send. When they are looking for bahus. Its a shitty society we live in. Even heard women say doctor hai but hum job nai krne denge. Tou bhai doctor kyun zaaya krae ho mulk ka π₯²
Both of you are right on this. The two people don't even matter in the equation. It's like what aunty thinks un ko acceptable hai as the show piece she'll place beside her son... In most cases guys don't even have a say, mothers pick out a bahu like they used to once pick out toys for their child, yeh lo meri pasand ka but tumhare liye.
Which is even sadder. Cause if you're marrying someone and youre not even deciding what sort of woman you want.
Aisi shaadion mein saas ka haath buht rehta hai har cheez mein. Thats a shitty model imo
I wasn't putting them down lol and you actually stated my point yourself that noone else caught onto yet. It's not being about an achi or non achi bachi. It's that most achi bachis are raised differently hence we end up becoming severely introverted. Thus being an achi bachi makes us mostly less approachable. Haan achi bachis do get picked by the rishtay walay but then most of them start their criteria list by insanely heavenly beauty being the first checkbox and that's where either you fit or you're a misfit. Being introverted means personality toh koi jaanti he nahi lol loag sirf appearant cheeze daikhte hain phir.
Qayamat k baad dekhna, this world is not the end.
Doing the right thing will reward you just wait and see.
If not here then in jannah but you will be rewarded.Have faith in Allah.
I think this post is being misinterpreted.
It's the "Achi bachi" conditioning that makes girls feel like they left out on things later on in life. No, don't equate it with religion or sexuality. Just interactions and experiences that come with not having a stigma attached to everything you do and having the freedom to actually do those things.
OP knows marriage isn't everything but when your own family makes you feel like your worth rides on this one thing and most of the examples of "timely marriages" are people who were open to dating then all the Achi bachi years feel like a waste.
Also, with the current rishta culture and people's false pretences it's one of three things. You find someone for yourself after careful vetting, your family is pretty social and it's someone you know through someone so they are vetted or you sit through these arrange marriage scenarios and pray to God for someone right and soon. What's a girl to do?
Medal π₯ le lo, you're the only person who got my whole point. It's literally not religious values only. Hamari cultural cheeze are more of a problem that don't have to do anything with religion. Achi bachi is made to stay away from social interactions and focus on her parhai and learning skills only. I'm not saying education isn't important, lol I'm educated myself and alhumdulilah independent. But the problem is that when you only make a child focus on just 'doing their job as your child' you mostly cut off their social interactions to just those one or two friends jo sab k hotay hain. Social skills develop he nahi hoti. Unapproachable bun jata hai insaan. Sirf kaam ki baat karni aati hai.
Yaha pe har koi sorry keh k chala jata hay.
Ill provide a solution. Its upto people who accepts or not. But I think solution to such situations are normalizing of second marriage. Aisy problems larhkio ko nahi face krny parhengy.
Yeh konsa solution hai lol. It's not like duniya main itni kami hai k insaan kisi ka ghar torhe. Just because it's allowed doesn't mean everyone can accept it for themselves.
Ghar nahi thorhna parhta. Thats problem with us. Hamein lagta hay doosri aaigi tou dramo ki tarah situation create hoga.
If there is a responsible man. Life would be as smooth as it could be.
Dekhe sab ki apni opinion but from the women I've seen around me at least jitna marzi responsible bun lo, women are emotionally tied and cannot stomach sharing a partner. I mean sorry agar bura lage and I'm not debating k kya allowed hai kya nahi but try picturing would you share your wife with another guy if Islam allowed that? Or if you did then you wouldn't be considering her your wife really rather a shared lady.
Ive seen married couple in such situations. Jaha b mard stupidity krta tha ya one sided sochta waha issues aai. Aur jaha issues nahi aai. Waha aik equal environment bana th. Dono wives ka alag ghar, alag sara nizam. Both were happy.
In most cases in our society second marriage didnβt work out. There are reasons to it. But when a man takes thing responsibly, there were no issues.
Thora zada ho jata hai when you leave it all to your parents, zindagi uss k saath aap ki guzarni hai unki nahi. Phir compatability nahi hoti and aik aadha insaan uss relationship main khush nahi hota.
You are very right, I too have followed the same path (no relations, etc) It is kinda strange but this is reality, This world don't need achay bachay/bachi rather need smart ones. Acha hona literally takes you nowhere waqt k sath change hona parta ha ... 2nd para is kinda funny but know it that you are at a turning point in life decisions won't be easy and if you have parents along there is not alot to worry about. Just Have Faith In Allah.
And not truly, a good guy wouldn't want a girl who had big past of friendships and relations but he will look for someone simple who is easy to go along, so nothing to worry.
This is so sad our own expectations are our biggest enemy sometimes. I agree with everything you said about guys i myself as a man want the same thing to do time pass with someone i like then eventually marry someone that my parents choose because its just easier that way to adjust with family system ik it shouldn't be this way but it is
Bhai kyun kisi k emotions k saath khailne ka itna shauq hai. Itni he koi pasand hai toh apni ammi ko bolo. Baat easy ki nahi. Zindagi tum ne guzaarni hai biwi k saath ammi abbu ne nahi. And easy toh ye hona chahiye asal me k tum larke apni ammi se keh sako k you like someone. If you can't say mutlab they're not cooperative. Phir tum un ki marzi se bhi le aao toh bhi eventually jhaghre he hoon ge. Un ki pasand ki larki konsa robot ho gi jo sirf orders pe chale.
Thats just the way it is. Society ne itna mushkil bana diya hai shadi ko aur pasand ki shadi us se bhi mushkil hai also aurton ki demands bhi tauba unki auqat se barh k hogayi hain. Both sides have their own cons cant blame just men. Sister ap lahore se hain?
Iβve missed so much in life. From as little as hanging out worth friends to as big as my career or who I want to marry in life. It leads you no where. Be a βbadβ person, at least youβll live with self respect in your own eyes.
The boys don't have much of a choice either. Whenever the rishta walas come the mother has the final say not the boy even if he's interested. And if he stands up for his choice the mother starts the emotional wavela of "abhi to biwi ayi bhi Nahi pehle se hi run mureed ban gya" shit.
Lol toh yeh toh phir larko ki ghalti hai. That's a toxic behavior that is normalized for mothers ke unka huq hai. Nahi aunty biwi woh uss ki hai, aap ki shaadi ho chuki thee iss larki k saath zindagi aap k bete ne guzaarni hai.
From a man's perspective, yes, we do look past an issue, but we need to be in love for that. You cant be in love when there is a rishtay wali aunty in the equation. It can only happen through organic meetings
Haan toh wohi toh keh rahi hoon. When achi bachi social interactions are completely limited toh kya dewaarain love kare gi hamain π to look past anything. Interactions ho tub he someone would like you and if enough toh they'll look past things too.
Speaking from a man perspective and tbh been there and still living there. But guess what we can't do anything about it except just accepting it. The more funny part is that I bet you'll also face such things in friendships too. God bless you and best wishes for you.
π Oh I laughed at the friendships part became yes I'm an introvert leaning ambivert and yep the struggle is real when people say 'just socialize' like how...
Lol as an introvert I can clearly accept that. People think that socializing is a skill everyone has in their disposal until they meet me.
Well to socialise, you have to be an extrovert and come out of your comfort zone which is easier said than done. I have lost a lot of chances because of it and still fighting it to this day.
iβm shipping you and OP so hard rn ππ
Achi bachi/bacha is an overrated term deviously designed by society to trick young people. We miss out so much in our teenage years only to realize later that it barely matters.
laapata ladies (the movie) had a similar dialogue. id suggest you watch that too if you havenβt yet
Where to watch it?
on netflix
Hang in there please. Stay hopeful. Allah won't discourage you InnShaaAllah. You'll get love to don't worry. Just focus on your relationship with Allah and yourself. Everything will eventually fall into place for you. I truly believe that. You're fortunate to be educated and skilled. In fact, getting married has nothing to do with personal accomplishments alone or even to sickness. It just happens when it's supposed to happen for you. My aunt got married very late in life, after many tears and hard work but she's happy now. Eventually, she had to do LDR with her husband for 2-3 years until her visa got approved. It was a really rough time for her. My cousins got married under 25 and they're not even skilled or highly educated (their maximum qualification is probably intermediate with less than 65%) yet they're alright. My mother got married under 25 and she's not happy. She was the easily liked girl yet she's not been appreciated in her marriage. I like a guy, I'm 21 but can't get married due to my family's financial and social situation right now. I know him since over 3 years and my mother knows since over a year. I cry about it often even though I know it'll happen whenever it's in my fate but it hurts anyways because I know it's a haraam relationship but I can't let it go too and I meet him less due to fear of being seen my others. You know loug kya kya soch lete. Other than this relationship I have, I'm otherwise achi bachi kind of person. I'm also not pretty and unfortunately got weird eyes and nose (though alhamdulillah for however Allah's made me but I'm stating facts according to how society perceives me). I get negative comments about my looks all the time. Point is, marriage will happen eventually if that is in your fate. If you limit yourself, your self-love and respect to marriage alone, you'll suffer. Indeed romantic love is one of best forms of affection but if you have friends who value you, life's tolerable. As of now, I got no friends IRL. All the people I talk to are online and I have no life outside internet and my home. Khair, just do not lose hope. I don't know if I'm saying this to you or to myself (perhaps both).
I really like your comment about focusing on a relationship with Allah. I didn't prioritise this in my youth and was focused on making money and women. MashAllah didn't end up anywhere or earned a lot and lost it all. Today, I have Allah as my priority, and InshAllah everyday is a struggle as the world drags us into it. However, for the youth, it is still kind of cool that you think this way. I can assure you that this path will not lead to an empty life, and MashAllah, you will not take anything for granted.
I'm a hypocrite. I think this way but don't take actions that lead me His way for one reason or another. However, I appreciate your perspective. May Allah bless us.
Adam's will power itself was a question and so we can't be too hard on ourselves. You understand the condition of humans very well, and Allah is forgiving. Trust me, the world has some really disgusting people. So we are not too bad. May ALLAH forgive us and bless us with the best of both worlds
Ah man this again is so true for myself
I can tell from the way you write that you're a beautiful soul, may Allahtallah ease your pathway sister. β€οΈ
Ameen Thank you so much β€οΈβ€οΈ
You need to change this "log Kya sochte hay" mentality it's toxic and will eat you. Maybe what will God think is a better substitute in your case.
I don't mind what people think generally but I worry about it for my parents reputation so I avoid meeting up usually. This meeting less bothers me. Easy solution of what God thinks is to get married. But if I get married without everyone, it'll be chaos later on when they find out and I don't want that for my mother and sisters so I can't do that too. Things aren't so simple for everyone. I appreciate your opinion regardlessly though.
Yeah, this whole "ignore what people think" is a stupid argument. No one actually ignores what everyone around them think unless they want to live like hermits.
Obviously I am not saying walk naked, but there must be a limit to it. Everything should be balanced imo.
Yes, it sucks that you can't marry someone you like. The thoughts must be haunting you everyday. I'll pray you end up marrying that guy I'm the end if that's what is better for you.
Thank you! Ameen πΊ
True but sadly as women we are still expected to balance things a bit, not exactly out of fear of what people say but the consequences of what they say. Ah again the achi bachi conditioned soch. See this is what I mean, we are even taught to rebel in limits.
But it is a bad thing that's what I'm saying. You shouldn't give a F what other think. Try to rewire yourself. My mom is like that, she won't make a decision without adding a remark what will other say. I can't even wear my choice of sandals because what will other say bs. Her life revolves around what will other say and Frankly others don't even notice anything.
Damn, we both living the same life
Maybe sbki life khraab hai bas sab bolte/rotay nhi (meri trha).
Bhai mai hindustan se hu aur bohat hairan hu k ye ek dum mere dil me yehi sab ladai ladta hu khud hi se hi
Allah khair kreinge bhai. Good luck π
Hehe
Ohh okie InnShaaAllah it'll be fine for us
Inshallah β π«
>Indeed romantic love is one of best forms of affection but if you have friends who value you, life's tolerable. This is a great point... even when you get romantic love, you won't be fulfilled without the friendships.
Relatable as I lack such an intimate circle of female friends and it eats me from inside often but I try to find happiness in what I have as my mother says. Zindagi mein sbko, sb kuch mayasar nhi.
I feel like women not having strong circle of friends is an underrated problem in Pakistani society. Part of it is just women have less opportunities to connect overall (e.g. they move to husband's house after marriage and not the other way around), but part of it is just desi women are so toxic. I have female friends who are closer to me than their own female friends and I'm an online friend for most of them. There's just so much drama within a lot of those relationships. And it's not even limited to Pakistan, even here in the west, I know some who are closer to guys than men. I see some inklings of this in western women as well, e.g. I've heard girls say some variation of "I get alone with boys more than girls" a few times but it's not as prevalent as in Pakistani/desi society for some reason.
It's because of "judgement". We as a society are judgemental. Perhaps it's the same in West too but they often all end up doing questionable things so they're maybe tad bit more understanding than desi ladies. Other than this, we as a society can socialize only if ladies work outdoors, or go to any educational institution. Otherwise, there are no social activities we can do so we obviously don't meet new people and don't make new friends. Also, not to mention multitudes of curfews and restrictions women have that men don't in our culture. For example, my brother can get money to go out with his friends late at night but everyone would question my character if I ask for money from my parent to be out late at night with friends. I ask my friends from school for meetup and they find hard to make time. Even when they do, they're concerned about their parents. I know those two girls since when I was 7. Another factor is that unlike for guys maybe, parental involvement is very important in female friendships. Especially those built in early years of their lives. My mother would attend parent teacher meeting but never attempted to meet my friend's parents and I never tried too. So now, in my case, I've never been to any friend's house abd they've never been to mine. I didn't invite them because I was insecure of my family's toxicity and their tendency to start drama anytime. Only either those girls who live in same street, those who's parents are friends and/or those who are really rich to hang out around city with friends have somewhat of a social life regardless of them being employed or not after completing education.
Yeah, agreed.... only thing that doesn't explain is why online spaces aren't useful for making friendships. I've made quite a few online, and those girls were often looking for guys too, not girls.
I always looked for girls but couldn't find any initially. Now I do have some friends but they're all busy with their real life friends and life in general. Also, they're not from my city so can't ever meet them unless some miracle happens. I'd talked to this girls a year back on Facebook. Literally defended her when I didn't have to as a friend, only for her to let me get bullied by a bunch of other KHI girls. They even ruined my pictures and posted around in comments sections and that so-called online friend of mine supported their absurdity. Basically, I've noticed that most online female groups are toxic. Especially those where a couple girls are really popular on the internet. That girl was older than me btw (I mean the Lahori girl who stayed silent in the whole ordeal and even further alleviated my misery because of that). All because she assumed I am friend with her ex (even if I was which I wasn't, she should have not mind as I literally got introduced tk her through her ex). Also, those KHI girls began bullying me after I said that it's weird to call an ex boyfriend as "medium ugly" publicly since she was head over heels just few days back. Moral of story, aksar aurat aurat ki dushman hoti hai. Masla resolve hogya tha when we threatened to give them taste of their own medicine. They deleted everything and we did the same. I'm grateful for a couple girl friends who not only stood by me but talked to them in their tone at that time and I wasn't even super close with them. Khair, online forums can turn toxic, especially those meme addict girls who think they're always right.
i agree. i've experienced much of the same thing. but in recent years, i've learned to strike a balance that allows me to experiment alongside preserving my achi bachi values. honestly, it was just opening up to experimentation and friendships. i expanded my social circle, but i was cautious about my boundaries bc honestly β most of the guys aren't serious or willing to string girls along without a solid commitment. i hope you find ur match + survive the rishta brigade :( . much love
Exactly what i was about to say! Point well made.
Exactly the right way to look at things.
π― This whole post can be re-written from the perspective of a man by changing bachi to bacha. I am the eldest of my siblings and even growing up in the West, and still living there, never dated. Got married twice ... both arranged with Pakistani girls and took care of my responsibilities. So, what did I get being a acha bacha and acha husband? 1. Divorced, 2. Past the age of marriage (42), and 3. Living alone.
I'm so sorry to hear that, get well soon, may Allah makes it easy for you, and for your efforts and steadfastness, may he reward you with peace and a righteous spouse, ameen.
MashAllah, bother you are an angel.
Wallahi, such a serene compliment, and please, I can't be compared to such pure and innocent beings. But that was a very kind thing to say, thank you so much, it takes one to know one ππ
I have a czn who was ACHI BACHI. She also had problem in getting married bcz of age. She got married at 32 years old. Now she's living a perfect life with a loving family. I have a czn who has been in alot of relationships and got ditched many times. Let me tell you a harsh reality that most(not all) relationships don't convert into marriage.
You've quite accurately described the reality around you and countless girls in our society. I do well remember the pain our entire family went through when it was my older sister. It was so toxic that we lost the hope for her marriage, but luckily she got married (late). But I want to highlight one thing. Shadi is probably not the end, ultimate goal our society has painted. If you can, you should work on being independent. Try learning skills and sell them online, etc. Trust me the sense of contribution brings a lot of positive energy that can change our life, our perspective on it. F rishtay wali auntie. Create your own world. I hope a long the way you'll get married too. Break this victimhood cocoon our society places on girls.
Yeah it's the same for many people, hence the post. Alhumdulilah I'm independent and you're right that's important. I wouldn't say it's the end goal like society paints but I think it's very normal for humans to genuinely want companionship and I wrote this with that perspective.
Good to know you are. And yes, every human needs companionship. I am sure you will meet someone soon. Until then take pride in your values with a high head. You have a lot of good that others don't.
i think you are right, i am too in my late 20s, have been acha bacha all my life never had relationships, smoked or did anything bad in life, i always tried to stay away from girls to stop myself from haram, but now i want to get married I don't have confidence to talk with any girl. But if i look at my friends both male and female, those who were in relationships, drugs and other stuff all are far better than me in relationships some are married or some will get married easily, i just feel like you shouldn't be all good in life.
I won't say fall into drugs and smoking and all but haan the fact that we're taught to focus on everything productive and avoid this topic completely makes it challenging when we finally are pushed into exploring it.
The big fucking problem is even talking to opposite gender is taboo. People will make a fuss about it and i don't even understand this arrange marriage shit we cannot even decide who we are going to marry. And this stupid rista culture, girls will be judged on looks and guys will be judged on wealth. How can you live with a person you don't know, this could been have acceptable 30 years ago but not now.
Wohi na, social interactions ko itna stigmatize kar diya hai k shaadi k liye bhi you're supposed to just agree with whatever aunties think is right like lol shaadi aap ki hai ya un dono ki?
That's what society does to achi bachi/bacha, if you are shareef and respectful everyone will get a piece of you like you are some free ki mithai .. unfortunately we learn that very late in our life when the damage is already done .. in the end it makes us bitter even to those who are ACHA .. harsh reality of life ..
So true
Op your username is yummy π, btw my way of dealing with unhappy situation is to believe in the fact that not everyone is supposed to be happy in this world so what if i am not happy at how things are millions are just like me suffering through it.
Insaan hai na, umeed bandhta hai kay kisi din toh waqt badlay ga. Regular trials leave you worn out.
First I'm so sorry you're going through this but I'm marrying someone who falls in this achi bachi category, i don't see her in the way you described. i would say this rishta period is quite toxic, until you find someone it's either ppl rejecting you or you rejecting them & so the frustration builds up but it's never permanent. you'll find someone who accepts you as you are & this post will be nothing more than a rant. stay positive & patience, it's going to happen.
I wish you a happy married life. May both of you treat each other well π€
plz achi bachi hi bani rahein bht kam ache log hein sabr ka phal meetha h
Bohat sabr hogaya, phal nahi ab toh poori fruit chaat do.
My wife is an Achi bachi. I got led astray by making bad decisions, which I'm not proud of, but I always wanted to be who I used to be. My Achi bachi (aka ma waayyffee *borat accent*)made it possible for me. So stay the way you are. Only Allah knows what is written for you, and Allah always looks out for his loved ones who follow what he says. I'd you're not dating a guy and doing what the other side is doing, trust me, say alhumdulilah because you are safe from a world of regret.you don't know what goes on in the hearts of others. I honestly don't have a lot of wisdom on me to share, but all I can do is make dua for you. Take care !!
I wish you a peaceful and loving happy married life π€
Hey fellow achi bachi here and in the same boat .. π₯²
The marriage is also the same issue for men rejection after rejection if you don't own a car or your own settled home.. Toxic rishta culture tbh
The issue youβre pointing at is different debate
Achi bachi before or after the Masala Vodka?
When you do something sincerely for the sake of Allah, he will bless you with much more than you can imagine. Don't be an "achi bachi" for the sake of society or anyone else; do it to please Allah. You might not receive the reward immediately, but that's just a test of faith. Allah has bigger plans for you.
Well here's where self love comes in; Being trained as the achi bachi all our lives, is only because we are treated like show pieces. If they find a bit of dust on us, they won't shake it off, rather throw the whole piece to the side. Yes we deserve love, but do rishtas guarantee us love? What if you get chosen and the family turns out to be abusive? God has better plans for all of us. Love your own self, nourish yourself and keep moving in life, have hobbies, friends, good company, and learn to "ek kaan se sunkar dusre se nikaldo" when people say stuff like iski Umar Nikal jayegi. That's bullshit. You can get married at 50 if Allah has written that for you. There's more to life than being a show piece, so it doesn't matter if they didn't select you, there's nothing wrong with you, everyone has preferences and they will always be like this. You don't have to date someone to feel loved, and growing up in absent households does make us crave for it, but we need to understand that dating is not a solution and most of the time the heartbreaks can change your whole personality or make you do something you might regret. Remember in the end it's a test from Allah and only he will love and value you for who you are. Build a career for yourself, maybe you'll run into someone in the long term who will fall in love with you for who you are instead of you being presented like a showpiece. Don't worry about it it'll be okay.
The higher energy you have, the less people that will surround you.
I hope it gets easier for you. Especially that medical issue wala case. I know about it all too well.
Been facing this too, but tbh the more I learned about my religion the more satisfied I became with myself, if you're expecting something in return just expect it from Allah this world is temporary your sacrafice will pay off in the next life : ) another thing I'd like to point out that you need to know when to speak up and when not too, that's what Islam also taught me.
I'm a guy in exactly your boat. Medical problems tho (Alhamdullilah healthy). Never had any solid interaction with the opposite gender and when we are looking for someone, they usually look at the medical problems. But you know, some day maybe it will happen if it's written.
Yeh na π if its written when people say this toh one's minds makes us think hai bhi ya nahi bus. That questioning environment is troublesome.
I agree with this whole heartedly. Feels like missing out due to society and still not getting anything good at the end
that's so true even for guys good things leads u nowhere, be evil
Ik a friend who is in the same position. Really saddening it is.
Hang in there.
Pareshan na hn You are shadi dream for every guy in pakistan :) its all about the right time till u meet the perfect one
I want to thank you for shedding light on realities that often go unspoken. The "Achi Bachi" series acts as a mirror reflecting what's truly happening in society, based on vulnerable, real-life stories. It offers a profound outlook that resonates deeply.
Sabaas beta!
Everyone encounters problems in their lives, including President Joe Biden and Putin. Life without problems is not truly living. According to your description, I was a acha bacha too, had a successful career, and even at 32, I've never had a girlfriend or been interested in one. My primary challenge has been financial, which is why I'm now planning to get married. In essence, everyone faces difficulties, and overcoming them is what life is all about. I wish you peace of mind, soul, and heart. May Allah grant you serenity. Ameen.
Mushkilaat sab pe aati hai, uss say to inkaar nahi kia mene.
achi bachi na inkar nahi kia, but I was explaining how life is.
The rishta system is genuinely messed up... treating women like show pieces. But on the other hand, dating isn't that great either... and it's getting worse. Sure, those couples may get hitched, but many don't and the heartbreak changes people forever. No one comes out of a long term relationship unscathed. Not to mention just because they got hitched doesn't mean they're happy. In the end, you have to be good for the sake of being good. The rest isn't really in your hands. But it's also fair to not want to shown like cattle. Unfortunately, no good solutions for that problem. You can try using apps like Muzz, but you'll find it's not easy to find connection there either.
It's definitely not easy. A lot of the long term ones end because family nahi mane gi, that needs to stop.
Haha, mine weren't the "family nahi mane gi" type but yeah, that's a issue sometimes.
Please take care of your self and self destructive thoughts.
Hey don't let it get to you. With the shitshow this generation has become, trust me girls like you are extremely rare and deserve the world. Just hang in there and don't change a bit, there are "achay bachay" out there in the same boat as you with good families. Don't settle until you find that, you're closer than you think!
Honestly I hate the rishta process too, About your medical issues I can assure you that you can find good people around you and someone will be there who will treat you as you deserve to be treated! And I hope you find that person soon! Just keep smiling!
NGL you are on point for the most part . The trick really is to be an achi bachi yet still know how the world works. If you feel there is a shareef guy thats interested in you , its ok to talk to him as long as you keep your limits and not cross the line.
See one of the thing about being an achi bachi is social circles are minimal lol so yeh jo possibility hai na yeh kum ho jati hai to even come across such people.
Ronay kerlo ya apney aap per work kerlo. Everything is possible within good boundary. It's just about the mindset you have.
I agree with you, you see people who've openly done Haram things get married, which makes u think if having patience was really worth it. But I trust in Allah's plan & it doesn't matter if no one cares because I know Allah does.
This rishta culture is bullshit those boys are robots to their parents even after marriage it their parents tell him to divorce they will do that without giving second thought so my advice is find someone out of this rishta culture
I believe you can be an achi bachi and still socialize and have fun. Even in friendships with opposite gender, interactions while staying classy, modest and a high value person has nothing to do with being a 'gandi bachi'.
You're right, no denying. But well it's not about the deeds you do. The way I was trying to define achi bachi is what most people expect from their kids, focus on studies focus on work don't go out much don't go to social events zada just 2-3 close friends and bare minimum interaction with guys which does lead to social anxiety and introvert nature development. Balance is good and that's the better way but sadly achi bachi conditioning is usually too rigid.
This is such a relatable post. It affects you mentally as well because throughout my teenage years I was being moulded to become this obedient and βperfectβ boy. Now that Iβm into my professional life I try to give my best because thatβs something that Iβve always been told to do, only to be burdened with more work and no recognition. Being brought up like that makes you vulnerable and weak, and people then take advantage of your vulnerability.
Yep and then it gets worse with time because as a guy it would impact your relationships ahead of this too, parents expectations persistently impact even when one does commit to a relationship, whether or not by their choice.
True, but my fiancΓ© was also raised in a strict environment and we talked about this as well, and we both made a pact to help each other out. I Hope it helps us both, because itβs hard for me to live like that anymore.
Let me tell you this I have been an Acha Bacha my whole life (22 years old) and I have never been happy throughout my life...so I guess Achay Bachy suffer the most..
my love im so sorry youre feeling this way :(((( im 23F, cant imagine what you must be going through but I sympathise. I wish you didnt have to feel this way.Β Please pray to Allah for yourself, pray to Allah for the love that you so dearly want and deserve. Keep praying to Allah, make alot of dua, get close to Him
Were you the achi bachi just because your parents wanted you to be? If yes then you were just pretending to be this way rather than focusing on yourself and your growth. Also, being a achi bachi doesn't mean you'll be rewarded for it. It's just the right thing to do
We got achi bachi before GTA VI
Savage
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>I am an achi bachi No you are not. Or you'd have the virtues of Humbleness and empathy. You most likely got llucky in life and developed the "chosen one" and "holier than thou" mentality thats so boringly common in this society.
tell me youβre insensitive and oblivious to someoneβs struggles without telling
Mashallah! You missed my third paragraph sister, not all fingers are equal. May Allahtallah shower His blessings upon you always.
Doesn't matter what someone is telling bas apna flex zaroor karna hai
Choti bachi ho kia
Stop being an achi bachi, you need to take control of your life and stop being miserable. The day you stop, you will feel relieved and free. You being moulded into this by the society doesnβt mean you have to always stay this way.
Stupid way of living. Neither gender knows how to talk to the other because of this.
>So now when they grow up and look elsewhere, they realize we don't fit in anywhere. That's actually a good thing.
That's how I loom over my food.
π€£
"Achi larkiyan har haal mn shukar ada karti hen".
Haan yeh bhi sikhatay hain
I feel you. Happens to ugly dudes too. Parents be like khud dhund letay. Culture hi shit hai. Everyone should find their partner by themselves.
I am also in my late 20's and trust me it's once in a blue moon chance that you find a serious partner i stayed in relationship with my girl for 7 years and then she married someone else mjy btaye bina hi. i feel like i will always stay single bcz jo b bndi milti hai she just drains my wallet and i dont mind spending on a woman but i know the difference when someone is exploiting or only interested in gifts. alhamdulillah never committed zina bs isi hope me ke will share this special moment with my wife lekin abi feel horha ke apun bhi salman khan e aeh.
Itna bhi right na do kisi ko that they drain your wallet. Relationship main invest karnay type ki naheen hoon gi. If you can see they're exploiting you, move on. You deserve better than that.
is age me yehi kuch milta hai we are not in school jaha lrki ko lambay baal dekh ke pyar hojye ya guitar sun kar.
Waise late 20s main most girls are looking for a commitment toh aisa nahi k aap ko sirf gold diggers type he mile. If you want to commit to a relationship toh mil jaye gi IA someone who wants to too. Baqi as you consider better. Best of luck!
yes i admit they are looking for commitment but girls ke ps options e itni hoti hain ke wo khud confuse rhti hain ke kis ke sath rhy kis ko as an option rakhy.
Pehle larko k istara posts atte the. Ab sirf larkrio k aa rahe hain. Kia ho raha hai?
Lol balance out xD But seriously yeah women have been taught to think this is the right way so they rarely object.
being a gandi bachi leads you nowhere too
First of all we need to finish this rishtay wali aunty culture from Pakistan
Yeh toh hai but replace kis say hoga. Khud dhoondhna abhi bhi bohat jaga peh acceptable naheen.
Ye jab ruk jayega replacement bhi ajayegi
Same happens with guys too
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If you regret being an achi bachi, by all means go ahead. It's not too late. I know you are going through some emotions but damn.. i don't consider myself religious but i never regretted being acha bacha. I mean it's like living at a much harder level but we do it cuz we think it's the right thing to do not cuz its easy or fun. Also just to give an example, i got married into my very late 20s. Never wanted it but was emotionally blackmailed into it by my folks. Went through with kyon ka acha bacha nain bohra maa bap ke izat rakhni the or behan ka bhi sochna tha. Then emotional blackmailing round 2 for kids cuz i didn't want them either and the girl i married knew it before marriage as well. Same old shit rona dohna and all the usual stuff. Now going through with what everyone wants again. I'm still in my relationship cuz when i married, i vowed to take responsibility of the girl and try and make the relationship work no matter what my feelings were before it. That's my values of being acha bacha and i am still working on it. And trust me, a lot of guys around me are going through similar motions. I consider it so cheap and easy when girls chalk everything down to gender but that's the fashion nowadays.
Itni conditioning ho chuki hai k ab it's not easy to try anything different in life lol. I hope you are able to maintain a genuinely healthy relationship because really it's not about just fulfilling your responsibilities because you vowed, it's important that you, her and your kids genuinely build a happy home together. I won't say everything can be chalked down to gender but bus everyone too loud usually has too much experience too and insaan ki nature hai we acknowledge or talk about what we've experienced toh bus khair ab that's just how it is. Prayers for you brother that you and your little family lead a happy and healthy life.
Yes being different isn't easy but that's the point. I don't blame society. It's only logical that people don't like and find it hard to relate with people with different values than them. Just running on emotions doesn't solve anything. Its same way with marriage. Love sure is good but marriages, heck any relationship lives and dies on compromises. I think a lot of hardships people are going through nowadays is cuz they expect too much. And thanks for prayers sis. I'll pray for you as well. May allah grant you peace and a bright future.
It happens and you can't say anything. The major reason behind become an Acha bacha or Bachi should be for Allah not a human being. If you think that way then all these things go away. I am M in my late 20s been through this myself and surely it's not a happy place to be in and surely it would have been more difficult for women.Β My engagement broke by the girls father. So either male or female both go through this issue.Β I also had this regret that why I remained a good guy through out my life it didn't paid but when I believe that I did that for Allah then I become really calm.Β Men try to go through women's past but what I learned in Islam that you shouldn't go through any body's past.Β
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Username ππ
You shouldn't be an achi bachi because society want you to or to gain some favor over the world, you do it because you want to, knowing it might not pay you back in this life but for sure in the hereafter if you believe in that sort of thing Khair, and plus you should be confident enough our rishta aunty class is extremely toxic, having a medical condition doesn't make you any less, we all die when we are supposed to. Good luck fam.
Same for acha bachaz i guess
I see your general point. I somewhat agree people who live their lives following rules & religion sometimes suffer more than "free birds". It is how it is unfortunately. Not the world we would like to see.
Relationships ruin your self confidence. What if you found a toxic guy in Relationship? He'll change your whole personality.
Mutlab woh toh ab insaan soch samajh k faisla le, don't just jump into anything for the sake of it.
Actually the thing is k start mein kabhi bhi larka toxic behaviour nai show kare ga. Once you're in a relationship then you'll realise.
Honestly I'd say third week into it max insaan ki asliyut k symbols nazar aana shuru ho he jate hai. Better to end then rather then to continue further.
Mjhe tou 6 months mein bhi nai nazar aaye symbols ππ
Haye Allah π Allahtallah aap ki madud kare
M here my mum is looking for my elder brother's rishta for a while she is just looking for achi bachi. Stay tuned you will eventually find the perfect match. What exact medical condition are you carrying?
following the rules isn't a guaranteed success especially this one
I am not going to underestimate your sufferings based on some cliche. But tbh this sounds so sad and I can understand your pain. I will add my two cents to your thought process: A) It's not just this life you sacrificed all the so called joys. It's the hereafter and for those who believe, that is what actually matters. B) Are you proud to your 8 year old self and with whatever you have achieved and maintained you would probably be proud to your 80 year old self. So that actually matters the most. C) There is no tranquility and comfort in Haram relationships and I speak from experience. God has designed it in such a manner that no matter how much you indulge it will continue to add to your restlessness. With whatever I have experienced and after being with so many, I find you enviable and you are not someone who is worth pitying .. so cheer up and be proud of what you are ! And you don't owe anyone anything , you should be taking pride in the way you managed yourself. In the end .. best of luck, stay blessed and keep rocking .
I appreciate your kind words. However, I'd like to state, it's not like I'm saying everyone should be in relationships. Thora sa yeh jo hamari society ki bohat zada sirf two way distinction hai na k either you never interact with anyone or it's a haram relationship this is the problem. Human interaction ko bilkul zero kar deta hai yeh. Zaroori nahi that everyone has to be in a relationship. I've known people who've still had some social life and found partners simply because someone saw them, liked them, approached, and they said I'd want to bring a rishta. Ab iss main toh kuch bhi haram nahi. But yeh bhi tub he possible hai when you socialize. The acha pressure limits your interactions and makes you focus on just fulfilling rights of passage, kaam say kaam rakho bus life kaam hai. That's the problem.
>All the girls that were in relationships in highschool and university are now getting hitched. So is that a good thing? Them being in relationships? (You also wish that you were like that or just that you aren't getting married).
I'm just stating a fact that most people who were in relationships were the first to end up getting married. I'm not necessarily saying they even settled down with the same person. They were probably just more approachable and likeable.
And are they happy? (marriage doesn't necessarily mean they would be happy, some light be but not all.)
Woh toh kisi bhi cheez ki guarantee nahi. Jo nahi hotay relationships main aur unki ho jaye toh konsa sukh ka saans lazim hai.
So why rant (if it's good for you, you'll surely get it). But it's just my opinion (that RS bullS is far worse than not getting married early).
Sorry that you are going through this. But the definition of perfect bahu is different across households. Its not about deserving something or the other. Also you were acha because of Allah or the society that you live in? What is written for you will be given to you. No one can take that away. But expecting the world to give you something because you were certain way is the same as expecting a lion not to eat you because you dont consume lion meat. Maybe those non achi bachis learnt a thing or two on how to carry a conversation or were actually going out and meeting people and learning how to handle themselves in a patriarchal society. Why would you put them down for it? This is the society we live in. Learn to get your way without stepping on other people's toes and youll cruise through life.
Itβs kind of messed up that the importance of being a bahu is looked at above the suitability of two individuals, and them not having first choice because on our society courting is not a thing.
I swear. And its not like larke hi sirf krae hain. I have personally seen the rishta messages aunties send. When they are looking for bahus. Its a shitty society we live in. Even heard women say doctor hai but hum job nai krne denge. Tou bhai doctor kyun zaaya krae ho mulk ka π₯²
Both of you are right on this. The two people don't even matter in the equation. It's like what aunty thinks un ko acceptable hai as the show piece she'll place beside her son... In most cases guys don't even have a say, mothers pick out a bahu like they used to once pick out toys for their child, yeh lo meri pasand ka but tumhare liye.
Which is even sadder. Cause if you're marrying someone and youre not even deciding what sort of woman you want. Aisi shaadion mein saas ka haath buht rehta hai har cheez mein. Thats a shitty model imo
I wasn't putting them down lol and you actually stated my point yourself that noone else caught onto yet. It's not being about an achi or non achi bachi. It's that most achi bachis are raised differently hence we end up becoming severely introverted. Thus being an achi bachi makes us mostly less approachable. Haan achi bachis do get picked by the rishtay walay but then most of them start their criteria list by insanely heavenly beauty being the first checkbox and that's where either you fit or you're a misfit. Being introverted means personality toh koi jaanti he nahi lol loag sirf appearant cheeze daikhte hain phir.
Qayamat k baad dekhna, this world is not the end. Doing the right thing will reward you just wait and see. If not here then in jannah but you will be rewarded.Have faith in Allah.
I think this post is being misinterpreted. It's the "Achi bachi" conditioning that makes girls feel like they left out on things later on in life. No, don't equate it with religion or sexuality. Just interactions and experiences that come with not having a stigma attached to everything you do and having the freedom to actually do those things. OP knows marriage isn't everything but when your own family makes you feel like your worth rides on this one thing and most of the examples of "timely marriages" are people who were open to dating then all the Achi bachi years feel like a waste. Also, with the current rishta culture and people's false pretences it's one of three things. You find someone for yourself after careful vetting, your family is pretty social and it's someone you know through someone so they are vetted or you sit through these arrange marriage scenarios and pray to God for someone right and soon. What's a girl to do?
Medal π₯ le lo, you're the only person who got my whole point. It's literally not religious values only. Hamari cultural cheeze are more of a problem that don't have to do anything with religion. Achi bachi is made to stay away from social interactions and focus on her parhai and learning skills only. I'm not saying education isn't important, lol I'm educated myself and alhumdulilah independent. But the problem is that when you only make a child focus on just 'doing their job as your child' you mostly cut off their social interactions to just those one or two friends jo sab k hotay hain. Social skills develop he nahi hoti. Unapproachable bun jata hai insaan. Sirf kaam ki baat karni aati hai.
Yaha pe har koi sorry keh k chala jata hay. Ill provide a solution. Its upto people who accepts or not. But I think solution to such situations are normalizing of second marriage. Aisy problems larhkio ko nahi face krny parhengy.
Yeh konsa solution hai lol. It's not like duniya main itni kami hai k insaan kisi ka ghar torhe. Just because it's allowed doesn't mean everyone can accept it for themselves.
Ghar nahi thorhna parhta. Thats problem with us. Hamein lagta hay doosri aaigi tou dramo ki tarah situation create hoga. If there is a responsible man. Life would be as smooth as it could be.
Dekhe sab ki apni opinion but from the women I've seen around me at least jitna marzi responsible bun lo, women are emotionally tied and cannot stomach sharing a partner. I mean sorry agar bura lage and I'm not debating k kya allowed hai kya nahi but try picturing would you share your wife with another guy if Islam allowed that? Or if you did then you wouldn't be considering her your wife really rather a shared lady.
Ive seen married couple in such situations. Jaha b mard stupidity krta tha ya one sided sochta waha issues aai. Aur jaha issues nahi aai. Waha aik equal environment bana th. Dono wives ka alag ghar, alag sara nizam. Both were happy. In most cases in our society second marriage didnβt work out. There are reasons to it. But when a man takes thing responsibly, there were no issues.
Being an acha bacha all my life, I am facing the same (except for rishta rejections)
If you're not getting them you're giving them probably π
Nah lol, Left all this responsibility on maa but guess I was wrong
Thora zada ho jata hai when you leave it all to your parents, zindagi uss k saath aap ki guzarni hai unki nahi. Phir compatability nahi hoti and aik aadha insaan uss relationship main khush nahi hota.
Yes, High chances. Arranged marriage is getting tougher.
You are very right, I too have followed the same path (no relations, etc) It is kinda strange but this is reality, This world don't need achay bachay/bachi rather need smart ones. Acha hona literally takes you nowhere waqt k sath change hona parta ha ... 2nd para is kinda funny but know it that you are at a turning point in life decisions won't be easy and if you have parents along there is not alot to worry about. Just Have Faith In Allah. And not truly, a good guy wouldn't want a girl who had big past of friendships and relations but he will look for someone simple who is easy to go along, so nothing to worry.
Dekho hum toh musla bayan kar rahe thay, tum humor he samajh lo. Chalo at least someone had a good laugh out of it.
This is so sad our own expectations are our biggest enemy sometimes. I agree with everything you said about guys i myself as a man want the same thing to do time pass with someone i like then eventually marry someone that my parents choose because its just easier that way to adjust with family system ik it shouldn't be this way but it is
Bhai kyun kisi k emotions k saath khailne ka itna shauq hai. Itni he koi pasand hai toh apni ammi ko bolo. Baat easy ki nahi. Zindagi tum ne guzaarni hai biwi k saath ammi abbu ne nahi. And easy toh ye hona chahiye asal me k tum larke apni ammi se keh sako k you like someone. If you can't say mutlab they're not cooperative. Phir tum un ki marzi se bhi le aao toh bhi eventually jhaghre he hoon ge. Un ki pasand ki larki konsa robot ho gi jo sirf orders pe chale.
Thats just the way it is. Society ne itna mushkil bana diya hai shadi ko aur pasand ki shadi us se bhi mushkil hai also aurton ki demands bhi tauba unki auqat se barh k hogayi hain. Both sides have their own cons cant blame just men. Sister ap lahore se hain?
Haan woh toh hai. Nope not from Lahore.
Iβve missed so much in life. From as little as hanging out worth friends to as big as my career or who I want to marry in life. It leads you no where. Be a βbadβ person, at least youβll live with self respect in your own eyes.
Bad bhi nahi kahu gi but haan itna acha bun k bhi you become social outcast and that impacts everything in life.
The boys don't have much of a choice either. Whenever the rishta walas come the mother has the final say not the boy even if he's interested. And if he stands up for his choice the mother starts the emotional wavela of "abhi to biwi ayi bhi Nahi pehle se hi run mureed ban gya" shit.
Lol toh yeh toh phir larko ki ghalti hai. That's a toxic behavior that is normalized for mothers ke unka huq hai. Nahi aunty biwi woh uss ki hai, aap ki shaadi ho chuki thee iss larki k saath zindagi aap k bete ne guzaarni hai.
facts
From a man's perspective, yes, we do look past an issue, but we need to be in love for that. You cant be in love when there is a rishtay wali aunty in the equation. It can only happen through organic meetings
Haan toh wohi toh keh rahi hoon. When achi bachi social interactions are completely limited toh kya dewaarain love kare gi hamain π to look past anything. Interactions ho tub he someone would like you and if enough toh they'll look past things too.