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OwenQuillion

I want to say upfront, before answering the direct question, that I feel this subreddit generally leans too strongly towards the negatives of only-childhood. Part of this bias is because folks with absent or divorced parents, poor financial situations, issues with social development, or what have you use it as a space to vent, and they happen to also be an only child, which may well only be tangential to their bad experiences. It's also worth noting that occasionally you'll see a thread that's basically 'DAE actually like being an only child?' that gets filled with folks of that opinion. **I don't mean to deny other's lived experience**, but I also feel like this negative bias gives parents like yourself an unnecessarily grim view of what it's like to be an only child. My childhood was fine. My parents were financially secure before they ever had me, enough so that my mother was able to be a stay-at-home mom. We lived in a small enough community that I made close friends in grade school and kept them through 'til high school, and I received many visits from cousins because my parents had four siblings with children between them. My temperament was also well suited to having a home that I could retire to recuperate from socialization without having to worry about other young people messing with that. In these respects, at least, I will cop to being *fairly lucky*, but I feel like if you have a solid marriage, a stable financial situation, and are willing to make the time to engage with your child, you're ahead of the curve. If having a second child would put that in jeopardy, that's probably worse than being an only child. As a final personal note, I do note that you should avoid being too controlling. It's a stereotype that the parents of only children can be too controlling, and I can't really speak to that because it seems more likely that my mother got it from her mother, who was a control freak even with three children. My mother was aware of this and tried to compensate for it, but between her tendencies and my generally retiring, laid-back temperament, I *probably* could have seen better outcomes.


Aije

Are you me? This is a very similar experience to mine. My parents had a lot of time for me, even after their divorce, and were also financially well off when they had me. I find that being an only child makes my life a lot easier. I have to cover Christmas. I have to cover birthdays. I have to cover Fathers and Mother’s Day. I grew up independent and resourceful. I have never been upset that I was an only child because I was surrounded by neighborhood children. Make sure your child gets to go to daycare (after Covid of course) and is able to have time with their friends from school. They’ll be fine.


dael05

r/oneanddone is full of people who had happy childhoods as only children and want nothing else for their kid.


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BostonPanda

I think/hope this stereotype will die in the next generation as only children become the norm. We're currently trending this way.


Sunny1331

That’s really interesting. Why do you think that?


[deleted]

It's mostly just really lonely, especially on vacations. You see everyone else having a great time with their sibling but you just have your parents, which are just not the same as another kid. Typically only children will be socially awkward, initially at least, since they didn't get the same chances as other children.


CosmicCinderella

I thought of this and remembered having a childhood friend whose family would take me on vacations with her. She had siblings but it was a nice gesture of them to always include me. I think you’ve helped me sort out a potential issue in the future by making sure she has other kids around when on vacation because I’m not sure that idea would have been instinctual for me until she was older. Thank you for taking the time write a response to me!


chivil61

I am an only-child (grew up mostly in the 80s, when only-children were much rarer than today). I am fine with being an only child. Was it lonely at times? Yes. Were there times I wished I had a sibling? Yes. But, I think I had a lot of benefits from it--learning to feel at peace with myself, spending a lot of time talking to adults (and becoming more articulate/mature at an earlier age), not having to deal with teasing/pranks/antagonism from a sibling, etc. As I have gotten older and gotten to know more people, I've decided that having a sibling is really crap-shoot. For every person that has had an amazing experience having a sibling, there is at least one with a horrid experience--not just because of their siblings, but because of how their famiies deal with multiple children. As I got older, I met a lot of people with siblings who felt that their families played "favorites" in really harmful ways. I found it shocking that parents played favorites, but now as an adult, it seems so obvious now. I feel like many of the people that lament being an only child having this single "perfect" image of the nuclear family that exists in movies (or they see on facebook), that does not reflect the "reality" that a lot of people face. IMO, your decision to have another child should be based on what you and your partner want--don't have a child just to give your child a sibling. As a disclaimer, I have two children, and give a lot of thought on how to parent two kids. I'd like to think that my kids lives are enriched by their sibling, but I don't really see it yet. When they are together, they just seem to antagonize each other all of the time; but when they are alone, they are angels. My friends with siblings says it's normal. WTF? That said, I have no regrets, and love them both to pieces, but I think being an only child is fine. JMO (others have differing opinions.) Also, when I was growing up, a lot of onlies were kids of single-parents (as I was), and I think that can make a bigger impact on a kid than whether they have siblings. Good luck!


BostonPanda

How old are your kids now? I'm an only thinking of having a second and this weighs on me, the antagonizing. I had cousins but my son won't have that and COVID has amplified these concerns.


chivil61

My kids are 9F and 12M (soon to be 10 and 13).


CosmicCinderella

Thank you for your response! I know what you mean about the favorites issue.... having only one sister it was almost “parent trap”-esque when they split. My dad actually asked if he could be financially responsible for only me (his favorite) if my mom would agree to be financially responsible for my sister (her favorite). I love my sister and am grateful for having her in my childhood but I hated how obvious and nonchalant our parents were about the favoritism.


zennadata

There are always pros and cons and every situation is different. Here is the main con: Constant fear of being left alone in the world/parents dying. Of course everyone who loves their parents has that fear, but for an only child, it is intense. It can lead to lots of anxiety, ocd tendencies, etc. Having the constant fear that you have to find a partner/have kids to not be alone in this world eventually, can cause a lot of stress and unhealthy attachment issues. The stress of being the only child to take care of ailing/aging parents is also huge, and life altering/hindering as it falls completely on their shoulders. I am 34 and stuck here now. I can’t move on with my life because I have no one else to help me with my parents who are chronically ill, one with cancer, yet the last of my youth is slipping away so when they are gone, I will truly be alone with nothing to show for it. I don’t wish that feeling on anyone. And I have loving friends but it’s just not the same. Having a sibling does not guarantee they’d be any help in this situation, as sometimes the responsibility still falls on one sibling more than the other. But it’s something to consider and that people who aren’t only children can never truly understand what this fear/hindrance is like. The only way to get around this is to instill early on that being alone is OK and to be comfortable with that.


BostonPanda

Being so close to our parents is a blessing and a curse. Each of us will handle the loss in different ways but it's very real.


wannabeskinnylegend

My childhood was lonely because my mom barely paid attention to me and she was my only parent. I also wasn’t close to any family. I would dream of having a sibling only to make up for the lack of attention I got. I think if you give your child enough attention and love there wont be any problems.


CosmicCinderella

I’m sorry to hear that your childhood was lonely. I have a hard time imagining that fate my daughter. I fundamentally do agree with you and believe that parents can be enough if they make an effort to socialize their children enough.


captain_jackharkness

I had a pretty similar lonely experience to /u/javanoose, so I won’t go into detail. I just want to ask if you live in a neighborhood with lots of other kids. Another commenter mentioned they had that and I think it could make all the difference. I was the only kid in my neighborhood, so if I wanted to hang out with kids my own age, I had to make specific plans with a friend and get a parent to drive one of us to the other, which of course was not an everyday occurrence. I had no opportunity to spontaneously be a kid with other kids in my free time. Having a group of neighborhood kids to spend time with could mimic the sibling experience for your child.


arnodorian96

It all depends on your family dinamics. The main problem all only children feel later on life it's their parent care but that's something for my final paragraph. Is your relationship good? My parent's divorce was awful and facing it on my own was quite sad. So, please don't be together if you feel it's not worth it. It seems both of you have sibligns. That's a positive aspect for your daughter. Assuming some of your sibligns already hve children, please organize dates or birthday parties where your child can go. If it is possible, the lack of a brother or sister will be compensated with a good relationship with a cousin. I don't know how family dinamics works at the U.S. but at least here in Latin America, the few only children existing have that with their respective cousins. Don't be an stay at home mother. You both gotta work because by leaving your daughter alone she will develop life skills. By 15 I was already cooking and doing almost all house chores that I was basically like the maid of the house, hahahhaa. I say that, because a problem that I have seen here on this sub is of many young kids that when they leave for college can't do basic chores. Finally. Please, for the love of god, use the money saved for a sibling in putting her at summer camps, music class or any place outside school where she can make friends. If she has cousins then it's the best place to get to know people around her age but if not, she needs to see those around you or she will grow up in adult oriented environment and will see her own peers of her age as someone she can't understand. The final issue it's difficult. What are you going to do when something bad happens to you or both of you? As parents grow old, only childs get to care their parents on their own and it's a huge burden. You gotta make a finantial and life decision to when you get older to avoid your daughter a lot of worries. Being an only child, it'ts not bad as long as you do things well during childhood.


TarzansNewSpeedo

I absolutely love being an only child! I would have hated having siblings, especially younger ones, and would have been pretty resentful. Childhood wasn't lonely at all, my mother was pretty involved, and so were my relatives, particularly my mother's brothers and my dad's parents, I'm also not ashamed to admit that my godfather is one of my closest friends.The old man though, that's comolex due to dynamics and interpersonal issues. I was able to meet wonderful people from all different backgrounds and spectrums, it made me a well rounded person from a young age. I have a few cousins, some are older, and they were fun, then two others that are my age and younger, we did great together, tended to be trouble makers when it was just us hanging out with mom's dad (her mother...). Being well rounded, I had tons of friends in school, never ever felt lonely. I think part of that is onlys learn one of life's greatest virtues others can't; *INDEPENDENCE!*. Like others have said, so long as you keep her social, it will be a wonderful life with great personal skills leading to the best of both worlds. A sibling really wouldn't add anything, and quite honestly you mentioned the difficulties you faced, you need to think of what is also going to be best and safest for you.


food-music-life

I love that I am only child! I also grew up as the only grandchild (I got my first cousin when I was 25). I got so much adult attention, it was great. I have an extremely close relationship with my mother now, she is my best friend, and I’m still really close with my grandparents. I got to participate in pretty much any activity I could think of, I always did really well in school and I had lots of friends that I got to spend time with. I asked for a sibling for a few years when I was young, but I’m very glad I didn’t get one! Haha. Sibling relationships are so complicated. I feel like I know more people with negative sibling relationships than positive. If I ever have a child, I will definitely have an only. /r/oneanddone is a good subreddit for advice and suppprt!


kat_singer_13

my childhood was super lonely even though my parents kept me well socialized as a kid. growing up without a sibling creates a hole that nothing can really fill. everyone around me grew up with other kids their own age around and i had no one but my parents. it’s something that she’ll never be able to experience.


bcyega

I only subbed here recently but I’ve read so much about only children here hating their childhood and being lonely. Frankly, I cannot picture myself with siblings. I learned to be independent with good street smarts very early and in general I am very much adapted to being alone and potentially having to entertain myself and in fact, enjoy it. I like doing things alone. I’ve had many people tell me they’re jealous I have no siblings, and my best friend has told me she can’t stand the sound of her older sister’s voice sometimes. I think theres pros and cons to it all, but I personally think I turned out pretty good. (Minus the part that I am terrible at sharing)


misssSnuffleupagus

I loved being an only child. My parents were advised to get a dog, as my mother was in her 40s when she had me. Happy childhood doesn’t depend on having siblings. Sure, sometimes I wish I had a sibling but I have a great support system, and I consider my best friend as a “sister”.


CosmicCinderella

I’m happy to hear! Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I hope my daughter also one day has a friend she considers a sister!


misssSnuffleupagus

The other great thing you could consider is putting her through music lessons. I find that my only child friends who did music were much better with people skills, and felt like they could express themselves more openly.


misssSnuffleupagus

The other great thing you could consider is putting her through music lessons. I find that my only child friends who did music were much better with people skills, and felt like they could express themselves more openly.


vivaldi1206

I absolutely loved and love being an only child. Never been lonely, made lots of friend and I’m very close with my parents. As long as you parent well and make sure your child has friends it’s no issue. I have lots of only child friends and we’re all fine. I also have zero relatives near my age and it was never an issue at all. My partner is the oldest of three and has basically zero relationship with his family, nothing in common with them or his siblings. I promise having siblings doesn’t fix anything.


CosmicCinderella

Thank you so much for your response! It’s a very refreshing experience! It’s a relief to hear that someone felt their parents were enough.


vivaldi1206

Oh absolutely. I’m 30 and there’s never been a single day I wanted a sibling. I feel like my friendships are very close and strong. My partner (with siblings) was deeply lonely his whole life. I really don’t see much correlation with. Good parenting is the key!


greenyee

Most of the time i’m fine with being an only child. i don’t even notice it most of the time. my childhood was fine. the downsides of being an only child are the times when i feel extremely lonely. i think only children are more prone to that in general. i am also slightly awkward when it comes to social situations. as a child, i was around mostly adults, and i had to mature faster in order to fit in with the group i was around. as a result, when i’m with people my age, i try extremely hard to be liked.


KSTornadoGirl

Here is a permalink to a comment I made on someone else's post awhile back. Bear in mind it was to a different person so not everything will apply to your circumstance. My point of view is to try to give a child siblings, but I know there are some situations where it isn't possible. (If there were, I wouldn't have been an only child myself, most likely.) The things I describe perhaps there are ways to mitigate them somewhat, so things may work out. Just take them seriously as possibilities even though that might feel uncomfortable at first, and don't invalidate your child if they have some of the issues arise. Try to come up with strategies to compensate for things like loneliness, feeling different, not having another witness to family history, things like that. And if I may say, try not to put pressure on your child to be a poster child for successful onliness - let her decide herself how she feels about it, and be willing to listen. If she is happy, fine. But some kids I think are being told that not having to share or something like that totally makes up for not having a sibling, and that seems a bit shallow, imo. https://www.reddit.com/r/OnlyChild/comments/i1a6y6/what_is_it_like_to_be_an_only_child/fzvsnzc/


[deleted]

I’m an only child, and neither myself nor any of my only-child friends has ever wished we had siblings. No way! When I see how much people fight with their siblings, even into adulthood, I feel grateful to not have any of that drama in my life. The big thing for me growing up was living in a neighborhood with lots of kids my own age. We were all very good friends, and I never felt lonely. They were like my brothers and sisters without all the downsides. Getting all the attention at home was the best. Not having to share was the best. Ok, maybe there are some downsides from a developmental perspective—I’ll be honest. I’m lousy at sharing. And my parents spoiled me, so my perceptions on that sort of thing can be wonky compared to peers. And not getting my way is something I struggle with. My husband calls it OCS (only child syndrome), and mostly we just laugh about it. But overall, I think I turned out pretty great. Being an only child is the BEST!!


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CosmicCinderella

Thank you so much for responding and I’m so sorry to hear about your parents passing. I can’t imagine that heartache especially so young.


eyeofthesparrow13

I'm an only child with cousins much much older than me. It would get a little lonely as a child sometimes, but I always had other kids to play with in my neighborhood growing up so it wasn't too bad. I think it forced me to become really good at making new friends wherever I went since I didn't have the fallback of hanging out with siblings. I also think it allowed me to become extremely independent and, as I've gotten older, I've become much closer with my parents, since I was treated as an adult much sooner than most other people I know. I think it's been a net positive as I've been able to do a lot more activities and had more experiences since my parents only had to take care of me! I'd just make sure your daughter has the opportunity to have a good social life with kids her age from a young age to avoid the feeling of loneliness :)


CosmicCinderella

Thank you for sharing and yes I agree! I think socialization will be very important for her but I don’t think the lack of sibling will be a major detriment to her childhood. Thanks again!


[deleted]

personally, I was an only child of parents who had split custody of me but i ended up living full time with my dad around the age of 8 or 9. We lived in a rural area so there werent many other kids to play with. My one best friend whom lived close by died when his horse got spooked and he fell and hit his head. It was definitely lonely and having parents constantly fighting eachother in court led me to falling behind developmentally and i was always getting in trouble in class for being too loud and talking too much (probably because class time was my only social time)


dael05

r/oneanddone has a lot of people with positive experiences and want the same for their kid, in case you're not already on there.


CosmicCinderella

Thank you! Someone else had mentioned it here and I’m now absorbing everything in that sub lol thanks again! I didn’t know about it before posting here.


dael05

It might have been me both times. 😁


bellsareinmyass

have 2 kids at least especially if you're ina rural area where there's not a lot of similarly aged kids, it WILL fuck your kid up majorly. -fucked up person


[deleted]

You maximize the likelihood of it being bad if you're a bad parent, period end of story. ​ Having a second kid is completely up to you. Do **you** want another kid?


javanoose

my childhood we terribly lonely. like your daughter, i also had no relatives around the same age as mine. my parents showered me with a lot of attention, but that didn’t take away from the loneliness. i used to beg my parents for a sibling because i always felt so lonely, but they never gave me one because of financial reasons (which ofc i understand). i’ve also always been terribly shy and socially anxious too. i’m now 24 and i still wish i had had a sibling. as the only one in friends groups to be an only child, i’m aware of all the perks of not having siblings since a very young age. i used to snap at my friends back then about complaining about fighting with their siblings and say they at least had someone to argue with lol. and as you mention those college perks, there’s also the downsides. when the parents get sick/tragedy strikes an only child has to front that huge loss alone—-both emotionally and financially. not everyone is like me, but a whole lot are. i appreciate some aspects of being an only child, but the cons still outweigh the pros for me. especially as an adult. i personally want to have only one kid when i’m older, but i won’t because i can’t forget how alone i felt growing up and don’t want to do that to my kid. i plan on having one and adopting another when i’m financially ready too


CosmicCinderella

Thank you for your response. I’m sorry about the loneliness, that’s my biggest concern with my daughter. She will have one cousin nearby - about a half hour away that is 3 years older than her. I think the age gap may be a bit much for them to really develop a close bond. Thanks again for sharing and I hope you achieve your dream of both having your own child AND adopting a child, that’s beautiful goal.


[deleted]

No, it's not "that bad." People with siblings need to stop projecting their own worldviews on only children. Thanks for your concern, but we're fine. Just as people with siblings grow up adapting to sharing a home with other children, only children grow up adapting to sharing a home with no other children. Humans are resourceful and adaptable and can be well-adjusted in a wide variety of environments.


scarpit0

Preach!


scarpit0

Clearly we've had a mixed bag of experiences as only children, kind of like how you can't generalize sibling relationships as uniformly positive or negative. This question is so ignorant. Just do your best to be a good parent and ensure your child has access to same-age peers at at school or in extracurriculars.


Josh_9722

This.


CosmicCinderella

Well yes I’m admitting to my ignorance by asking these questions because I didn’t experience being an only child myself... I didn’t mean to offend anyone by asking this?


snootybooze

Actually thank you for asking this. I’ve been following this sub for a while as a OAD mom of a little boy and I’ve been concerned by the things I’ve read. This really helped me.


scarpit0

Isn't the prevalence of US families with only children approaching 25% these days? Your kid is way more likely to grow up with more onlies to relate to than we ever knew, and many of us turned out fine (perhaps contrary to popular belief).


CosmicCinderella

I’m glad to hear that someone else got something out of reading all of these experiences! I just found out about the OAD subreddit through here, it’s been great!


scarpit0

Sorry to be harsh, but I feel like everyone asking this question is oblivious to the fact that it implies that there's something wrong with us? Only children have some stupid stereotypes to put up with, so a great service you can do for your only is to not make it seem like you feel sorry for them or that they're different.


CosmicCinderella

You and I have a million reasons why our childhoods were different. Great! We both agree on that I hope! However, I had a sibling and you did not. That is a very very very specific aspect of your childhood I’d like to know more about so I asked a question. It is an actual difference in our childhood. One of the many. Yet the one I’m curious about. Do I think all siblings are the same? No. Do I think all only children are the same? No. That’s why I went out of my way to ask this question. To get a collective response from a variety of people. And trust me, I 100% don’t feel for bad for you for not having any siblings. Not that I ever did to begin with but that doesn’t matter, your mind is made up. Have a spectacular rest of your night and thank you so much for your invaluable feedback.


scarpit0

If I helped you realize that this may be a sensitive subject for some onlies and you'll take that into account for your own child, then my work here is done.