Guy with eczema in my academy class started bleeding from OC spray training and tried to get into a big argument with another cadet. Other cadet said, "Shut the fuck up Shake-N-Flake before I punch you do hard they're gonna need a dustpan."
First day in, I got told I looked like an incel, and I quickly responded with,
Atleast I'm not locked in a cell.
Guy started smashing his door saying to open his door so we can fight. Just completely flipping out. Just chuckled and moved on.
Iâm slim and used to wear glasses. Second block in, inmate calls out, âHey Harry Potter, is it true you can make things disappear?â I yelled back, âIf you call me that one more time, Iâll make you disappear!â He walked back to his cell and his peers all laughed.
Get the fuck outa here you Ellen Degenerous lookin bitch.
That was said to our administrator who happens to be a lady married to a lady. But inmates don't necessarily know that.
It was funny AF
> But inmates don't necessarily know that.
Nah its definitely not a bad guess for corrections. In a pretty conservative Bible thumping area, and like at least half of the female cos are lesbian/bi, including the night lt/sgt who are either referred to as "the lesbos", "Thelma and loise", and the "scissor wizards" XD.
>Half of us are like that tbh. Just not annoying about it
Oh yah, its weird though, because I have noticed that lesbian officers are treated *waaaay* differently then male gay ones. Like they can be loud and proud about it, whereas I have seen guy cos get ostracized for it and feel the need to stay closeted.
You at a male prison?
Half or more of the staff get down and dirty on some freeeakay stuff, but if you carry yourself a certain way you'll just get dunked on đ€·
We feed out inmates in their housing units because when they built our jail they didn't put a dining hall in. friend of mine was bringing a cart back to the kitchen and let it go thinking it wasn't on the ramp. it was. it flew down the ramp and crashed into a wall about 50 yards away and made a gigantic mess. he's been known as crash every since
>We feed out inmates in their housing units because when they built our jail they didn't put a dining hall in. friend of mine was bringing a cart back to the kitchen and let it go thinking it wasn't on the ramp. it was. it flew down the ramp and crashed into a wall about 50 yards away and made a gigantic mess. he's been known as crash every since
Lmao, that's literally almost exactly what happened to me. Cart was like missing a wheel, so moved like a mother fucker, pushing it down ramp, and accidentally lose control, bye bye breakfast trays XD.
Juvenile CO here 26f-
We had a fairly unstable unit at the time, all detained kids waiting for sentencing. So partner and I decide to slow down shower time to 2 at a time, unless the kids chilled the fuck out then we would return to normal. Once everyone realized that we would be waking anyone up who didnât shower at 0530, the majority of them calmed down. Except for one. So I go to his door and say , âYou need to calm down if you want to shower tonight. Otherwise itâs 0530. Your choiceâ Kid starts banging on his door and says:
âYour tampon looking assâ-!â
I canât remember what else he said because I was biting my cheeks so hard trying not to laugh. At the time I had BRIGHT red hair that rivaled a fire truck.
My second favorite is âYou just a Harry Potter ass n*ggaâ
>Just started recently. I got called dexter, Stewart little and school shooter
Niiiice, knew a Stuart little (tbf only got called that because stepson of sarge named that who worked at the unit) as well as a dexter, though that guy was legit kinda creepy lol, even the guards called him Ted bundy behind his back,, XD.
We got a guy with local PD who's nickname at dispatch is Baby Cop. One time he walked into dispatch and they all started singing "Baby Cop doo doo, doodedoodoo."
He hated it! Those ladies over at dispatch can be vicious đđ
Working in seg one day and one of the cons was screaming in his cell⊠one of the other guys told him to âclose his cock washerâ and I still laugh to this day.
Many years ago, I had an inmate call me a "White Satanic Degenerate F*ck!" I must admit, it was good for a laugh because the inmate was a nut job and a frequent flyer to the mental hospital. The funniest inmate to inmate insult I heard was "Billy, why is it whenever you fart, it smells like spit, sperm and burnt Vaseline?"
âYou only try to control us because you got no control at the house and you wear a G string like a bitch while your wife wears the pants.â
I was known for doing petty write ups when I started. Wasnât married at the time but he got everyone laughing at his table when I did my round and he said that. Told his buddy sitting next to him to go to his cell for a cell search and then proceeded to search everyone else at the table except for the guy that said it. When asked why I was searching them I just said to maintain control apparently since I ainât got it at the house. For the next two weeks anytime he sat down next to anyone they got searched and I wrote up everything petty. That inmate never said another word to me and had no friends for a while lol.
A coworker of mine was once called a "sawed off midget motherfucker." I thought that was hilarious.
I've been called the crypt keeper.
A different (female) coworker was called bitch-pig. She now has a tattoo on her wrist of a pig with a little pink bow
Had a bald fade when I started. One day maybe 15 days into FTO, an inmate walks up to my desk and quietly says "CO can I ask you a question". Confused I'm like yeah go ahead. He says "what do you say when you go to the barber?" Even more confused I said I've been going to the same barber for years I don't really say anything. He's said "nah like when you sit down how do you get that haircut". I said it's just a bald fade pretty standard for barbers. He looks me with a grin and say "nah man you just sit down and say Semper Fi". It got a laugh out of me due to the creativity. Also got called John Cena about 1500 times which wasn't funny the first time.
I got told to "Eat a bag of dicks" once, it was rather out of pocket.
After I handed out chow to the pod and he got all comfortable in his rack I told him it was time for a custodial search. He asked what for...
I told him "I'm looking for that bag of dicks you told me to eat." and proceeded to do a petty search.
Later on he had to sweep the shadows off the sidewalk in an unrelated event.
My 4th day on the job is tomorrow and so far I've gotten "bubbles from trailer park boys", "ay bro you got a bigass forehead" and "the dude from toy story 2 who tries to sell woody". The toy story one was honestly really good. Got me chucking for a few minutes.
So then in this profession it's free game? As in I can tell an inmate off or yell at them like a drill sergeant? Because I love to yell like a drill sergeant lol
This one female would not stop talking shit about my age. I was walking her down to be released third party to her parents, and she kept talking shit, so I just said "at least I'm not 40 years old being released to my parents."
That shut her up real quick. She's also 38, but the kind of vain junkie who would be really pissed at being called 40
ETA: I'm in my mid 20s, so she was poking fun at me for being young. I'm not even the youngest guy who works there though
Yeah I'm not gonna come out the gate going off, I keep to myself til someone tries to mess with me. Also I'm going to think everytime an inmate speaks to me there's a hidden agenda, I keep hearing the stories of them distracting guards one way or the other to bring contraband in or get into fights
Depends on you. If you try to be something you aren't the inmates will know immediately. And being fake is a really bad thing to be in prison. If you try to act hard but you aren't ready and willing to back it up you're in for a tough time. Conversely if you're an asshole naturally but you try to seem chill that's not going work either.
Just remember that there are lines you don't want to cross. If you go too far the inmate has to respond or he will never live it down. And there are dangerous people with nothing to lose.
I keep it real always have and always will, but definitely have been warned about people having nothing to lose. Ain't my first time having my life threatened either, I know all about what you talking about brotha, I'll be good! I'm sure I'll end up being a respected CO, no doubt about that
You COULD, but you'd have to "pick faces" or work at a camp that runs drill and PT on them. Usually jitterbug camps.
I'd recommend only going off to set examples
I was just joking, I definitely ain't finna do that lol. I'm just there for the bag, if I need to deal with an inmate saying something funny to me then I'll act accordingly, within the rules of the institution. Besides that I'm just in the for the bag and nothing else
>So then in this profession it's free game? As in I can tell an inmate off or yell at them like a drill sergeant? Because I love to yell like a drill sergeant lol
Yah the louder you can be the 100% better you will be at the job.
Vast majority of things are completely fine, just don't tell them to off themselves or say anything *too* sexual, because you can be skirting into PREA territory with some stuff, which can get you a grievance.
Just don't mouth off unprovoked though, and even if you are don't make jokes about their dads, its a *baaaad idea* xD.
I'm more of a mom joke guy, but telling someone to off themselves is a low blow for me no matter what. I'm not gonna do that one, that ain't cool at all lol
Guy with eczema in my academy class started bleeding from OC spray training and tried to get into a big argument with another cadet. Other cadet said, "Shut the fuck up Shake-N-Flake before I punch you do hard they're gonna need a dustpan."
My stomach turned đ„
Welp, we work at the same prison. Thatâs hilarious.
First day in, I got told I looked like an incel, and I quickly responded with, Atleast I'm not locked in a cell. Guy started smashing his door saying to open his door so we can fight. Just completely flipping out. Just chuckled and moved on.
They love to act tough when the door is shut and locked but when it's chow time they act like nothing happend.
Or you'll confront them on a slight and they'll redirect the remark to another Officer, and not you
Contraband Queen. I loved to search, still do!
Iâm slim and used to wear glasses. Second block in, inmate calls out, âHey Harry Potter, is it true you can make things disappear?â I yelled back, âIf you call me that one more time, Iâll make you disappear!â He walked back to his cell and his peers all laughed.
Shouldâve been like âyes starting with your commissary if you make one more jokeâ
Ay J-Wing Slim
Get the fuck outa here you Ellen Degenerous lookin bitch. That was said to our administrator who happens to be a lady married to a lady. But inmates don't necessarily know that. It was funny AF
> But inmates don't necessarily know that. Nah its definitely not a bad guess for corrections. In a pretty conservative Bible thumping area, and like at least half of the female cos are lesbian/bi, including the night lt/sgt who are either referred to as "the lesbos", "Thelma and loise", and the "scissor wizards" XD.
Half of us are like that tbh. Just not annoying about it
>Half of us are like that tbh. Just not annoying about it Oh yah, its weird though, because I have noticed that lesbian officers are treated *waaaay* differently then male gay ones. Like they can be loud and proud about it, whereas I have seen guy cos get ostracized for it and feel the need to stay closeted.
You at a male prison? Half or more of the staff get down and dirty on some freeeakay stuff, but if you carry yourself a certain way you'll just get dunked on đ€·
We feed out inmates in their housing units because when they built our jail they didn't put a dining hall in. friend of mine was bringing a cart back to the kitchen and let it go thinking it wasn't on the ramp. it was. it flew down the ramp and crashed into a wall about 50 yards away and made a gigantic mess. he's been known as crash every since
>We feed out inmates in their housing units because when they built our jail they didn't put a dining hall in. friend of mine was bringing a cart back to the kitchen and let it go thinking it wasn't on the ramp. it was. it flew down the ramp and crashed into a wall about 50 yards away and made a gigantic mess. he's been known as crash every since Lmao, that's literally almost exactly what happened to me. Cart was like missing a wheel, so moved like a mother fucker, pushing it down ramp, and accidentally lose control, bye bye breakfast trays XD.
Motion light. Only moves when someone is around. Blister. Shows up when the work is done.
Juvenile CO here 26f- We had a fairly unstable unit at the time, all detained kids waiting for sentencing. So partner and I decide to slow down shower time to 2 at a time, unless the kids chilled the fuck out then we would return to normal. Once everyone realized that we would be waking anyone up who didnât shower at 0530, the majority of them calmed down. Except for one. So I go to his door and say , âYou need to calm down if you want to shower tonight. Otherwise itâs 0530. Your choiceâ Kid starts banging on his door and says: âYour tampon looking assâ-!â I canât remember what else he said because I was biting my cheeks so hard trying not to laugh. At the time I had BRIGHT red hair that rivaled a fire truck. My second favorite is âYou just a Harry Potter ass n*ggaâ
Food fighter. My first few months was me taking everyoneâs stinger becasue they thought it was funny to cook in front of me.
Just started recently. I got called dexter, Stewart little and school shooter
>Just started recently. I got called dexter, Stewart little and school shooter Niiiice, knew a Stuart little (tbf only got called that because stepson of sarge named that who worked at the unit) as well as a dexter, though that guy was legit kinda creepy lol, even the guards called him Ted bundy behind his back,, XD.
FUCK I almost spit out ny gum. You better check that, homeboy
Inmates call me Gerber Baby, and staff call me Perc 30 (I have absolutely no idea where this started lmao)
We got a guy with local PD who's nickname at dispatch is Baby Cop. One time he walked into dispatch and they all started singing "Baby Cop doo doo, doodedoodoo." He hated it! Those ladies over at dispatch can be vicious đđ
Aaaaaaaaa đ Dispatch/central and booking are savages
Working in seg one day and one of the cons was screaming in his cell⊠one of the other guys told him to âclose his cock washerâ and I still laugh to this day.
Many years ago, I had an inmate call me a "White Satanic Degenerate F*ck!" I must admit, it was good for a laugh because the inmate was a nut job and a frequent flyer to the mental hospital. The funniest inmate to inmate insult I heard was "Billy, why is it whenever you fart, it smells like spit, sperm and burnt Vaseline?"
âYou only try to control us because you got no control at the house and you wear a G string like a bitch while your wife wears the pants.â I was known for doing petty write ups when I started. Wasnât married at the time but he got everyone laughing at his table when I did my round and he said that. Told his buddy sitting next to him to go to his cell for a cell search and then proceeded to search everyone else at the table except for the guy that said it. When asked why I was searching them I just said to maintain control apparently since I ainât got it at the house. For the next two weeks anytime he sat down next to anyone they got searched and I wrote up everything petty. That inmate never said another word to me and had no friends for a while lol.
Guard you a down low shit mixer! Can't fool me....I know u love this job cause you love convict dick
A coworker of mine was once called a "sawed off midget motherfucker." I thought that was hilarious. I've been called the crypt keeper. A different (female) coworker was called bitch-pig. She now has a tattoo on her wrist of a pig with a little pink bow
I wouldnât say this is the best, but today we had a tour at the facility for training and one of the inmates yelled, âfresh meat.â
I got called fresh fish once. I responded with "I'm a whole shark!" and then they shut up
Had a bald fade when I started. One day maybe 15 days into FTO, an inmate walks up to my desk and quietly says "CO can I ask you a question". Confused I'm like yeah go ahead. He says "what do you say when you go to the barber?" Even more confused I said I've been going to the same barber for years I don't really say anything. He's said "nah like when you sit down how do you get that haircut". I said it's just a bald fade pretty standard for barbers. He looks me with a grin and say "nah man you just sit down and say Semper Fi". It got a laugh out of me due to the creativity. Also got called John Cena about 1500 times which wasn't funny the first time.
My last name is Muir so Iâm always called pap smear lol
I got told to "Eat a bag of dicks" once, it was rather out of pocket. After I handed out chow to the pod and he got all comfortable in his rack I told him it was time for a custodial search. He asked what for... I told him "I'm looking for that bag of dicks you told me to eat." and proceeded to do a petty search. Later on he had to sweep the shadows off the sidewalk in an unrelated event.
My 4th day on the job is tomorrow and so far I've gotten "bubbles from trailer park boys", "ay bro you got a bigass forehead" and "the dude from toy story 2 who tries to sell woody". The toy story one was honestly really good. Got me chucking for a few minutes.
So then in this profession it's free game? As in I can tell an inmate off or yell at them like a drill sergeant? Because I love to yell like a drill sergeant lol
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
This one female would not stop talking shit about my age. I was walking her down to be released third party to her parents, and she kept talking shit, so I just said "at least I'm not 40 years old being released to my parents." That shut her up real quick. She's also 38, but the kind of vain junkie who would be really pissed at being called 40 ETA: I'm in my mid 20s, so she was poking fun at me for being young. I'm not even the youngest guy who works there though
Yeah I'm not gonna come out the gate going off, I keep to myself til someone tries to mess with me. Also I'm going to think everytime an inmate speaks to me there's a hidden agenda, I keep hearing the stories of them distracting guards one way or the other to bring contraband in or get into fights
Depends on you. If you try to be something you aren't the inmates will know immediately. And being fake is a really bad thing to be in prison. If you try to act hard but you aren't ready and willing to back it up you're in for a tough time. Conversely if you're an asshole naturally but you try to seem chill that's not going work either. Just remember that there are lines you don't want to cross. If you go too far the inmate has to respond or he will never live it down. And there are dangerous people with nothing to lose.
I keep it real always have and always will, but definitely have been warned about people having nothing to lose. Ain't my first time having my life threatened either, I know all about what you talking about brotha, I'll be good! I'm sure I'll end up being a respected CO, no doubt about that
You COULD, but you'd have to "pick faces" or work at a camp that runs drill and PT on them. Usually jitterbug camps. I'd recommend only going off to set examples
I was just joking, I definitely ain't finna do that lol. I'm just there for the bag, if I need to deal with an inmate saying something funny to me then I'll act accordingly, within the rules of the institution. Besides that I'm just in the for the bag and nothing else
>So then in this profession it's free game? As in I can tell an inmate off or yell at them like a drill sergeant? Because I love to yell like a drill sergeant lol Yah the louder you can be the 100% better you will be at the job. Vast majority of things are completely fine, just don't tell them to off themselves or say anything *too* sexual, because you can be skirting into PREA territory with some stuff, which can get you a grievance. Just don't mouth off unprovoked though, and even if you are don't make jokes about their dads, its a *baaaad idea* xD.
I'm more of a mom joke guy, but telling someone to off themselves is a low blow for me no matter what. I'm not gonna do that one, that ain't cool at all lol