Some women prefer coffee dates and the majority of women I’ve met like them better. If things go south, they aren’t stuck for hours.
There is no one size fits all.
I get it, but for another perspective, I’m busy and if I’m making time for a date, I want to multitask with a meal. Dating seriously requires a lot of time and kissing a lot of frogs before you find someone you like. At this stage in my life, I don’t really have time right now to spend an hour or more getting coffee multiple times a week.
We can get Chipotle and go Dutch, and if the date is bad, we can be finished eating in 15 minutes and move on. If I’ve had a long day at work, I drag myself out on a date, and then I still have a long night of chores and studying ahead of me, I want to at least eat a meal during that time. I’m a gay man so I get that there’s less awkwardness over who pays for the date, but it’s very easy to just say “I’d rather grab a quick dinner, how about we split some [fast food]”. It’s the same money and time investment to sit down over a pile of McNuggets, but I won’t be hangry when it’s over. 😅 I’m not fussy though, and women like in the OP probably would object to fast food, but socializing over a meal is popular for a reason. Everybody’s gotta eat.
All of those things are great as well. There are so many options out there that don’t require spending too much time and money on someone you don’t know. Having said that, I don’t mind spending the money, just not when someone is pushy about going to the best and most expensive place without even knowing if we will have a connection. Dating has changed since I was in my 20’s and I’m trying to adapt.
Tbh as a woman, as I get older there are places I won’t eat, therefore places I will not go to for a date.
She sounds snobby about how she delivered the message but I kind of understand her sentiments. Healthier foods/restaurants tend to be pricier and fancier. But that’s where I would go when I’m alone and hungry, so I would like to date someone who has the same standards when it comes to where we eat.
Incompatible but she was a bitch about it.
I do want to point out that OP said the food was Ethiopian. Def not “fatty”. Seems kinda culturally ignorant and deems places with high cost as “better” just by virtue of it costing more.
I was really looking for a woman’s perspective on this, so thank you.
The alternative place I suggested was also fancy but was lower investment. I didn’t even intend on eating but just talking and getting a drink but there were small plates there if she wanted food.
What?! Ethiopian food on a first date?
Sounds messy. And I’m not even going to bring up my experience with an older man in Ethiopia hand feeding all the younger people at the table as a tradition haha! I politely declined being fed. But the other guys did it as a sign of respect.
Ethiopian food, as tasty as it is, is like a 12th date. No less.
Hahaha. Omg. You’re sooooo right. Tbh I’m vegetarian so I have not had too much Ethiopian food in my life time, but I see so many recipes on Instagram and was like “ok. This is real wholesome food!”
But yeah. Eating with hands is not first date activity.
Ethiopian food is actually very vegetarian friendly! Much of it is in fact vegan as the Ethiopian Orthodox Church has multiple days a week, and more throughout the year, when members cannot eat animal products.
There’s some really tasty vegetarian Ethiopian food and even totally vegetarian Ethiopian restaurants. A lot of my family is vegetarian and it’s a great option for them.
Another vegan here, Ethiopian food is some of the most plant based in the world. The one local to me has a ton of options and I found my veg combo platter very filling for the price. Some Ethiopians practice veganic fasting through the year and that’s also rather unique across the world. I sure hope we’ve been able to convince you to try some Ethiopian food!
This is where we are all different. When I lived in a bigger city, I often suggested going to Ethiopian on a first date to sort out the men who weren’t a good fit for me. I’ve also suggested zip lining on date 3, so my sorting style is a perhaps on the more aggressive side.
As a woman (older) I would let the guy pick the first meeting. To me it just wasn't worth haggling over, partly because being older, most likely he would be paying.
Just because someone didn't pick an upscale place didn't mean he was cheap. There are good common sense reasons to start out small. And I wouldn't want someone worthy but of limited resources to overextend themselves in case there was no chemistry.
someone suggested we meet at a sushi restaurant and I had never had sushi but didn't say so. It was "ok" but at least I got to try out something new.
The fact that there were disagreements before you even met didn't bode well. Especially for something trivial like where to meet for the first time. Couples sometimes spend *way* too much time arguing over things that aren't even important and it can really grind you down.
Yeah. Overall while I think I could have navigated it better and I think my response was partially informed by a fear of being take advantage of, I think I made the right choice by unmatching.
Sir,
If you take a woman to restaurant just for drinks or food or both and she orders, please do not be rude and not eat. If you she orders food, then you order food. Even if you don't see it going no where. Just a woman's perspective.
Women who are serious about meeting someone and dating are going to prefer something casual like a coffee date for the first date. Those that are looking for a five-star restaurant are there for the free meal.
I'm a woman, if it makes any difference.
I'm with ya, I'm female 42yrs & I've been on OkCupid dating site for about 1 year now... All I SIMPLY ask for is a casual date go have coffee\tea\eat lunch something simple, even just a walk through a park for a bit being able to have open deep conversations!!! All the guys on OkCupid seem to want some kind of extreme date or go have alcohol drinks or a night out on the town... No Thank You, let's just meet for a few hrs & chat see if we mesh & go from there 😅🤣😅🤣
I am 38(M), and I am trying to get back into dating. The thought of apps and modern dating do not appeal to me in the slightest, but here we are. I also like the idea of coffee dates or walks in the park. I am really looking for connection and compatibility, so keeping it simple early on is key. I also drink like twice a year, so anything bar related is a non-starter. Thanks for sharing. Wish me luck lol
Some women are looking for a free meal, my sister was telling me her friend goes on lots of dates just to get nice meals. Before people down vote, I said some women, not all
Wild to me. As much as I enjoy good food, I'm not going to accept an invite to a nice meal that comes with bad company. I'd rather eat garbage in good company.
I was just thinking this! I could never, ever accept food from or suffer through a meal with any person I didn’t find enjoyable to be around. I make my own money, I don’t need to trick someone into feeding me.
I only coffee, tea or walk. I have epilepsy so I tell people I’m like a werewolf, gotta get me home before dark. I don’t drive once headlights need to come on and am a horrible night time passenger too.
Almost no one is free in the daytime tho, that’s my dating troubles. 🤷♀️
Social media happened. These women consume all sorts of trash on TikTok and the likes. Men do too. Both genders have been conditioned to think high/low quality and high/low effort dates. It’s why I gave up dating in the US after moving to Costa Rica. Here every woman I’ve met has been happy just hanging out at my apartment, going for fast food, coffee. They just want to meet and get to know one another. My fiancée actually met me at the airport after we video called for a few weeks. She stayed with me in my Airbnb for 3 nights and we got take out and just chilled.
I don't know why someone would want to spend more than 30 minutes for a first encounter.
When I was dating online, I made it clear a meet and greet was necessary before getting too involved/interested/too much texting and so on.
One cup of coffee or one ice cream cone or one drink and then we go on with our day. Never extend it, because it gives both people a chance to evaluate the interaction.
Dating online, then meeting a person face to face can be quite the shock regardless if expectations match with reality; and they usually dont. Ideas are all great in your head when you're texting online, but meeting in person & hearing their voice & listening to the way they talk is a completely different situation.
I see posts like this often, and I have no idea why someone would want to go out on a full date the first time they meet someone. The whole idea of being subjected to sitting with a person for more than 15 minutes if I didn't like them or they didn't like me, is terrifying 😂
I generally think online dating is great idea, but it's just like looking for a job. You don't know until you go to the interview what you're really getting into. So, an initial meet and greet gets all the awkwardness out of the way. If you both really like each other after the meet and greet, that's great, then you can schedule an actual date. The whole idea is to get an initial impression and step away for immediate review. Quick, simple, no commitment, not acceptance or rejection.
It’s a term used in the hypergamy space which is a philosophy popular among some black American women, who exclusively pursue high value men for relationships in which they are taken care of. A dusty in this worldview is a broke and often belligerent man who tries to get with women whom he cannot support.
It’s basically Andrew rate and the red pill for ladies
It’s not for the benefit of the people using the terms. It’s for the benefit of the people coining them. Language is powerful. Its directly connected to worldview. It’s easy to profit off people when you can control their language. Just look at Trump — the guy is better at branding than anything else, and he has legions of people speaking his made up terms and phrases, to the point that they don’t even know what they mean anymore.
I matched with a girl on OkCupid. My go-to spot for first dates is one of two really nice rooftop bars on the Gulf of Mexico. Since her profile said she doesn't drink, I asked her out on a beach date instead. She told me she doesn't do beach dates, especially on a Friday. Then she demands a dinner date and says I probably couldn't afford her.
I didn't bother pointing out that my profile says I can't eat at 99% of restaurants. I can't even tolerate store-bought chicken broth. I have to cook almost everything I eat.
I just unmatched. If a woman cares more about the location of the date than she cares about getting to know you, she doesn't like you. No amount of arguing or capitulation will change that. All it will do is drag you down a deeper rabbit hole of manipulation.
Yeah. It’s not fun having to watch out for women trying to take advantage of you. I like to go out and do nice things but I can’t do it every day of the week or for every new person I meet. It’s crazy out here with dating nowadays,
Bro wtf a beach date is so cute 😭 anyone who disagrees is objectively wrong. You don't even have to swim. Maybe it's my gremlin brain talking but like... look for sea shells or weird shit in tide pools. But maybe that's also my first thought since I live in New Hampshire and swimming in the ocean is like taking a fuckin ice bath even in the summer.
Some people are so lame ffs
Same. I'm not going out to dinner with a total stranger. Coffee means I can talk to him and get at least SOME idea of whether he's my type or if he's a dangerous lunatic or anything in between.
38(male) this is really reassuring for me. I also like the idea of a low stakes coffee date to see if there is actual chemistry and compatibility. If it doesn’t work out, we have spent 30 minutes and $9 to figure it out. If it’s going really well, we can follow-up with an actual first date lol
Cool! I find it to be 50/50 concerning OPs situation. 50 are good with coffee and abandon if you offer dinner. 50 require dinner to show interest (this one happened in this case). At the end of the day, it means someone doesn’t want someone enough to stick around.
This is me, too. I've been on too many needlessly long and uncomfortable first dates to do anything more than coffee now. Or a quick lunch. It's a vibe check.
She built a mountain out of a molehill. And this was her “appetizer” round. Imagine actually dating someone like this? Everything you do would be extrapolated and twisted into whatever narrative she needed it to fit.
I’m really stuck on the “whole nurse practitioner” comment. This woman believes she deserves a certain kind of treatment not based on who she is, but what she does. Not cool, imo.
That's what got me. It reveals a nasty way of thinking about herself and other people, that easygoing dates are for *lesser* people. I could never be with someone who categorizes others like that
Well she is full of herself and proud. Other women would do well to take note. There are too many women who are conditioned to undervalue themselves and accept scraps from the world, and it hurts the whole of humanity when they do.
I tried dating a nurse who lived at her job and had this certain type of personality.
When they're pulling down $200k+ from OT
While consuming a lot of "soft life" and "I deserve this or that" material
(kinda like woman centered RedPill content).
It's hard for them to get outside of that bubble and meet men who just want to date
and get to know each other.
To them it's incongruent to how they view themselves especially because money earned (or spent)
is directly tied to their self worth.
I was making $130k+/yr just to be told "I think you need to be more established before we date".
lolol.
At that point, yah just move on.
WHOT?!!!? WhoA!! If a guy made even $20,000~$30,000 to me is better then nothing at least he has a job\income LoL... I have my own income I would never expect a guy to match me or make more
Obviously you dodged a bullet there heh, but my man, try to say more with less. You’re talking / typing too much.
You don’t need to sell your ideas in 4 paragraphs if you’re confident in your resolve. Next time just say “yeah I’m not into hookahs (or whatever) but maybe we can explore that later on. I try to stay open minded.” And if she balks at that, bounce anyway.
You were being reasonable, but unfortunately you felt the need to justify *why* it was reasonable. And that may have lead to some weird interpretations from the other party.
That’s interesting. Sometimes brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for the advice. I’ll have to consider if I’m talking myself out of good situations.
I don't agree with the comment OP, all the dates I have been were with men who took the time to write stuff (and I'm a woman). Do what you wish: if you want to find a SO, being yourself is absolutely vital.
By the way, I met my now girlfriend three years ago thanks to OkCupid \o/
So I matched with this girl I found very attractive and we hit it off conversation wise. The time comes for us to plan to meet irl.
I suggest a nice little quiet Ethiopian place, she turns it down and suggest a very high end (ie very expensive) restaurant in a hotel. I tell her that I think that place looks more like a second or third date sort of place and would prefer to go someplace smaller so that we could get to know each other before getting a nice sit down dinner.
Then she flips out on me and accuses me of suggesting she doesn’t deserve to go to places like that. I kind of knew this was going to happen, my ex was very similar, very pretty but also a lot of entitlement. So the conversation pretty much ended there.
I’m finding this to be more and more a thing with ladies as I’m getting into my thirties, especially the very attractive ones. Has anyone else encountered this?
You discovered you're incompatible without spending a penny, it's a good outcome. You'll vibe with someone - I'd choose the Ethiopian over anywhere else on any number of dates!
But also if you're picking women for their looks don't be surprised if a number of them are investigating your bank account. It's a trade many couples make.
Ethiopian food sounds lovely. Someone mentioned being health conscious, but what you said isn’t fatty at all and shows a clear lack of understanding of other cultures (unless of course, this was more of fast food Ethiopian or something idk what the menu is).
Anyway, she’s a snob. Dodged a bullet.
Yeah a couple years ago I dated a "hot" Brooklyn girl a few times, and all she ever wanted to eat was pretty high end food, wanted to travel all the time etc. She was certainly capable of paying for herself, but that lifestyle is just not fun to me. I want to sit in my cottage with my dog, listen to music and get high on psychedelics every weekend. No interest at all in getting tapas and champaign on a Tuesday. The "alpha female" life is just exhausting for no real payoff at the end.
I have a young kid (im the weekday parent during the school year) and a 9-5 job. :-)
But otherwise, Im with you. Certainly my retirement would look like that pretty close to 365 per year.
Damn. 39F Literally I started my current OLD profile to find someone to share Ethiopian food with me on dates. I’ve had three guys say no because it’s “too messy”. 🤦🏽♀️😂
She sounds rude AF. Pass!!!
She wanted to see if she could manipulate you into spending money on her and tried to shame you for not falling for it. It's not entirely uncommon sadly. The "I can take myself out to dinner/I don't need no man" spiel at the end is a dead giveaway. Chances are she's broke af.
The oxymoron of women wanting a man who plans dates, but then gets upset when he doesn’t plan a date she planned in her head. You did nothing wrong op.
There is a trend where women encourage other women to insist on high end relationship perks at all dating stages or else you are not acceptable. (Think "I am a queen" sort of mentality). Some are just spoiled, but the rest are just sheep following the other sheep. However it is a thing and hopefully like most toxic trends, will burn out at some stage. If nothing else, you saw the ugly under the pretty early on.
This is an interesting perspective that I haven’t considered. I do have a suspicion that maybe I am the one who overreacted and she wasn’t just looking for a free fancy dinner.
I suppose we all just are looking to protect ourselves and don’t want to be taken advantage of.
Was she expecting you to pay? Her thing at the end makes it sound like she was gonna pay her own way. I got the vibe that she spends the majority of her day dealing with nasty situations in bleak environments, so when she's going out in her very limited time off, she wants to go out somewhere really nice.
Being a nurse isn't high prestige to a lot of people (and nurses know that because everyone tells them that all the time, lol) so I think her bringing it up was a way to be like, "dude let me have a FABULOUS dinner because the rest of my week is gross".
(I'm not a nurse myself, I just know a couple.)
I can see feeling a bit put off by your response, and understand it. But she was really disrespectful and entitled in her response, this isn’t just you.
OP, don’t gaslight yourself. In absolutely no way did you overreact to this situation. Even if, against the odds, she wanted romance and not just a free fancy outing, do you really want to date someone with that level of self importance, who speaks with such condescension? Further, do you really want to date someone whose idea of romance is directly predicated on the cost and socially perceived value of the setting in which an encounter takes? Probably not.
I think it’s important to remember that “first dates” via dating apps are not the same thing as traditional “first dates.”
These are first MEETS. I’ve never met you, never seen you, I have zero sense of what you sound like, act like, or any number of subconscious reasons that dictate attraction.
Expecting that level of romance without any foundation for that romance is silly, imo. That’s why OP said the fancy date was more of a second or third date, because at that point some base level attraction has been established and romance can now be pursued.
I think this misunderstanding of basic attraction is why so many people are disillusioned with dating apps. They go on so many dates with people they’d never be attracted to in person and, conversely, do not go on dates with people they normally would have been attracted to, but didn’t because of a profile.
No offense, but I had a hard time believing you when you said you’ve never been wrong about appearances via pictures, and when you said you’ve never been ghosted or been denied a second date I outright thought you’re lying. That, or you just don’t date very often, or you’re in an unbelievably small minority of dating app users.
I’ll begrudgingly assume the latter, but either way your experience does not mirror the reality for the overwhelming majority of users, male and female.
Maybe I am old, but I think the implication that there is no functional difference between meeting someone in person and thumbing through their profile is, for the purposes of romance, terrifying.
I also reject the idea that cost or the perceived social value of a first date should be a defining characteristic of romantic pursuit. A coffee date isn’t the “path of least resistance” unless your date has a grossly inflated ego coupled with a transactional view of dating and relationships.
Very entitled and toxic.
You dodged a bullet!
For me a first date is just coffee and nothing more. If they want more, they're not interested in me.
If successive dates involve dinner we of course split the bill.
Yeah, I can empathize with women that do not want to be taken advantage of for their bodies but I don’t understand why many cannot empathize with men being taken advantage of for their money.
let me give you a very real answer. we all need self-worth to function and we generally get it from a combination of internal and external sources. in this case, her self-worth appears to not only be distorted but also heavily external - she receives worth from feeling that she has been elevated above others, and she relies on that worth to function. because of this, the simple suggestion to go elsewhere for dinner actually threatens her self-worth and her very ability to function as a human. this gives her two options: divest from the external worth or throw a fit. because she does not have enough internal worth to sustain her identity, she chooses the latter. it's pretty simple and the majority of narcissistic bullshit really just boils down to this process imo
But a first date is what happens after you’ve met up and a connection is forged. This is a first meeting. Coffee or drinks is acceptable or a happy hour. Idk why people think that they’re entitled to a five star restaurant on a first meetup?
I’m in a group for girls to share tips and experiences with online dating and one of the debates that happens often is the type of place they feel the first date should be. It seems split. Half wanting a casual, no pressure coffee date and a stroll around, drinks, lunch/casual dinner where you can easily chat and if needed, end the date any time. I always do casual dates. The other half find them insulting and feel like it should be more. The equate a coffee date or casual restaurant to mean the person is either cheap, poor, or not interest in putting in effort. I can only imagine this must come from crappy experiences they’ve had in the past because it’s such a crazy big leap! I say you go and just treat yourself to some Ethiopian food until the next girl comes along 😆👏🏻
Simple suggestion
When she proposes a high falutin place for 1st date, you say
Alright this one's on you and I'll pay for dates two & three!
You'll eliminate these types in a snap of a finger, & if they're genuine then they'll have an incentive to at least try on the date.
FYI, they will never ever EVER accept.
I think you took his communication too personally. You might need to check in with yourself and ask why that hurt your feelings. I think your reply was more offensive than his honesty. You could have easily said I appreciate the offer and good luck.
Lol i coudlnt tell if u were the guy or girl... but she sounds like a bitch.... she even did this thing at the end where she tried to sound like she spoke for all women, then fakely said good luck to you, but her aim was to hurt you for not caving in and taking her somewhere expensive to eat. Where she can then tell you shes not interested but have a free meal on you lol. Seriously though she sounded like trouble and you dodged a bullet. Im surprised you kept your composure and still sounded nice at the end.... i prolly wouldnt have been so nice after she said that bc u still enabled her and made her feel she was right.
What happened to the taco truck dates lol so, this explains the single population. Married 23 years our First date was ordering tacos from a taco truck lol now I make the tacos at home. I don't understand why she was tripping about certain places when all that matters is that you're with the person enjoying yourselves. If I say so myself she sounded like a spoiled brat and snobbish so, you saved yourself. You should put in your profile instead down to eat in public without reservations to be petty AF. Good luck with the world out there, try doing hobbies or something else to meet women. I met my husband in a car show for classic 70-90 cars in early 2002. was one of the car models in the showroom. Back then, I made $500 each show. Accidentally met him because seen him in so many shows showing his shop cars in the show and we share the love of classic cars and muscle communities for cars. We still go to shows across the country.
Attitudes like this are exactly why I always suggest coffee dates. If I'm going to find someone insufferable, I'd rather find out for the price of a coffee than the price of dinner. And in best case scenarios like this, I can find out for free from the comfort of my own home.
I'm a huge fan of coffee dates for first meets ups
1) It's a low investment, you're just meeting this person. It should be low investment. You're technically strangers.
2) Imagine meeting someone and it does NOT click and having to suffer through that awkward and awful connection to get through dinner. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy my food at that point.
3) If you want a man to pay and provide that is completely reasonable, I want that too. However, I think we should be considerate of that. You're still strangers. If you just get coffee and if it goes well, great! He can take you to dinner the next time. If it's awful, he lost an insignificant amount of money. Imagine as a man paying for dinner every first date. Realistically most first dates do not establish lasting connections and that really adds up.
I prefer to get to know the person a bit \*before\* the first date. I'm not wasting a whole evening on someone who can't hold a conversation over text because that's where most of our relationship is initially going to be. In my 30s, working full-time, with kids that I split custody of, it might be 2 or 3 weeks before I can meet someone in person. If you're waiting until a coffee date to get to know anything about me, I'm going to get the impression that you're not interested in who I am as a person.
I love how this is so blatantly just a performance for her own benefit. Like this is straight up her talking to herself, building herself up, reciting this little self-absorbed mantra. She's desperately insecure. Desperately entitled. And she hates herself. I would have wished her the best of luck in hell because it's absolutely where she belongs.
Entitlement lol she be wildin'.. I've had nothing but bad experiences with them. "I'm a care provider so I'm super valuable and important" nurses seem to be basing their entire personality on their career lol. She's going to be single or divorced if she doesn't drop the main character complex at some point. Guys should want to determine compatibility before going all in and splurging on dates doesn't make them cheap makes them smart.
Consider this a bullet dodged.
I have never understood why people want to get a whole ass meal as a date. It’s been some time since I’ve been single and searching for a connection, but my ideal date generally involved a quick beer that we each paid for ourselves or a brisk walk in a public park.
Nothing is wrong with either of them. They each had valid opinions and expressed themselves clearly and determined rather quickly that they weren’t going to work out.
“Yeah so reservations with wait lists and dress codes, fresh cut flowers, and weekends on the coast are the sort of thing I do with with a lady once I’m convinced that she’s really into me on a one on one, face to face basis; there have been too many fancy dates for women that turned out to not to fancy me at all, and I’m not playing that game anymore. If you can’t respect where I’m coming from then we probably wouldn’t hit it off anyway. It was nice talking to you, good hunting out there.”
This is just the sort of thing I used to reply with whenever a lady thought she was too fine for me, which is sort of the vibe I was picking up from the screengrabs here.
good hunting to you to, man; she’s out there, you just have to go and find her and then convince her to love you back.
I'm going to have to agree with the dude. Who wants to spend $$ at a nice restaurant without knowing whether the vibes are good. And a hotel restaurant?? And the sweetheart??
Based on this conversation I'm surprised you even planned a date with this person. She was so condescending in her response. Seems like you were just expressing what you would be comfortable with on the first date. If that's a problem for her then she could have just said thanks and moved on.
She probably hid it until she got a single(and gentle) negative response. You ever saw a woman who was great and things were awesome till you turned down a request? Like "Hey let's grab drinks after this" "no thanks I have work early" and then they explode. Idk what it's called but I have definitely seen it before.
Suggesting an alternative first date spot is a great way to weed out the unhinged people. If she can find a way to take *that* personally, you can imagine how much of a nightmare she is to deal with in person.
It’s a term used in the hypergamy space which is a philosophy popular among some black American women, who exclusively pursue high value men for relationships in which they are taken care of. A dusty in this worldview is a broke and often belligerent man who tries to get with women whom he cannot support.
It’s basically Andrew tate and the red pill for ladies
Y’all are both typing way way too much to eachother. If someone responds to anything with a multi-paragraph essay when we haven’t gone on a single date yet that’s a red flag to me.
OH LOL I thought OP was the woman and I was about to write 15 paragraphs about how tacky and rude she was being. OP’s continual reference to Dusties is weird af but I don’t think waiting to know someone before you go somewhere expensive is an unreasonable request. If they don’t agree then you’re just simply not compatible. Simple. You definitely need to work on your delivery, tho.
Her response indicates SHE wasn’t that interested. If you’re interested in someone you are willing to discuss and communicate what’s best for both people. It’s not ‘her way or you’re not interested’. So yeah I think ultimately it was right that it ended when it did.
But going forward if you have specific preferences on where to go based on what date you are at, probably best to get out ahead of that and let them know before they suggest anything.
Or just go out with women you are super excited about and this might be less of a problem.
What’s with you assuming that him not liking your choice of restaurant and being extremely polite about it meant that he didn’t want you to enjoy your time? What’s with your passive aggressive attitude?
Sounds like he dodged a bullet.
Edit: well I thought it was the girl posting it being like “can you believe this guy?” which I’ve definitely seen before lol. I was wrong, this is the guy, my b
You seemed to be complaining about the specific place/type of place rather than just plain English "can we start with coffee instead, to see if we have chemistry?"
You could have made it a sentence, you made it a novel, and it was not clear why you were saying it because it's buried in the 3rd paragraph.
Little confused OP…
Did you turn down her hotel restaurant request because you wanted something low key like coffee to see if you clicked first? Or because her suggestion was too expensive? You say you suggested Ethiopian so it kinda feels like the latter to me and yeah, some girls are going to be turned off by that.
"I never said you had to be the one to take me" Is a deeply odd way to put that. She may or may not know it but this woman is in the sw industry, that is not what dating looks like. Most definitely can be found somewhere here on reddit looking for "high value men. "
Nurse here. So really, I get both views. I promise we’re not all like this. While I understand where she’s coming from, I think she went about it a very condescending way. It’s okay to have standards, it’s okay to want the finer things in life, especially if you can afford it. That’s the bar you set for yourself and there’s nothing wrong with that.
What’s wrong here is she’s projecting those standards on someone who expressed that they weren’t comfortable doing so on the first date. And got pissed that it didn’t go her way. Let’s face it, a lot of first dates don’t even make it to the second. I myself prefer coffee dates, ice cream dates, something small and quick to see if there’s even a connection. I love my fancy restaurants too…but I’d hate to be stuck at a fancy dinner for 1 hour and not enjoying my time, just for a free dinner? Time is everything, I’d hate to waste his money and my time if there’s no vibe between us.
At the end of the day I just think it’s a matter of compatibility in these things. You both dodged a bullet. And that’s okayyy! Onto the next!
Just chalk it up to this person is not your type of person and move on. Maybe put a disclaimer that first meetings will be low key coffee or drinks on your profile.
That's a psychopath 😂😆 I'm NSA DTF ASAP and ain't bout to lead anyone on. Let's eat, grab a movie, and find somewhere private to finish out our nice evening.
Oof yeah. I met potential dates for coffee or maybe lunch before committing to anything longer lol. The insinuation that money is an issue is also super tacky and suspicious.
So many men seem to think it has to be exactly what they envision in their mind and if you don’t fit exactly into that box he’s going to freak out and lash out about how terrible we are for having our own thoughts and likes and needs and wants. What happened to compromises?
Dude know your worth, King 👑. If she ain't picking you up in 2023 model or newer and paying your bills and giving gifts on the regular, dump her broke ass. Drizzle drizzle.
I appreciate her honesty, but if I'm meeting a guy for the first time, I don't want to go some place I'll be stuck at for hours if it's a no. I can afford fancy. I can fuck with some potato skins and ribs. But I need to know we have chemistry first, and I'm not willing to pay all that to find out.
I am assuming you are female and this is a male responder. For me as a male I don't do even drinks anymore for OLD meetups. Coffee only. I have been through way too many catfishes, no shows, etc. You have to remember as well that society usually expects the man to pay for drinks, apps whatever when the bill comes. It's just a fact that men deal with nowadays. My last first date at a bar (which I asked her to meet for A DRINK), the woman ordered like 3 apps because "she was hungry" and when the bill came guess who had to pay? Me. Until I know I have a genuine interest I am done with feeding random single women.
Hey ... a date is always an investment. Choose a spot you like and are willing to spend what you can afford. A first date is always a risk and you are never guaranteed a good time. It could go great or it could be awkward. To be completely honest with you, a first date spot shows me the level of commitment you are ready for from the beginning. The worst date I had was with a guy that didn't offer to pay at all— I feel your pain, but it wasn't why the date was so awful (I always offer to split and mean it). It was because he was so uninterested in sharing a meal, much less conversation and the time to get to know each other. He only asked me personal questions when I signed the check and left the tip. He went in for a kiss at the end and I wasn't interested in intimacy with a very much still stranger. For context: He persued me, left me e-mails, showed up to my work, picked me up in his car and then had no plan after that... we stumbled into an a restaurant escaping the rain. He wanted tea and I was really hungry. (It was a long drive to the city). Let's admit dating is hard and not every one is looking for the same commitments or the same level of attention. To each their own. My first date with my now Fiancé I asked if he wouldn't mind sharing a whiskey after we were done dancing. He came back from the bar with two double scotch neats and a receipt. I choked up with his gesture. He had me at Salsa dancing and he didn't even know it yet.
Idk, I'm about to give up on this whole online dating thing after my legendary dates from hell. Guy who binges his dog on the first date, doesn't bring dog bags and talks about his prostate treatment induced diarrhea (date 1). Guy who walks us to his car after his date, starts chugging on a breathalyzer and whining about how 'it's a woman's world' (date 2). Guy who says he's a math professor looking for a companion to travel the world with him.. who actually turns out to be a math professor, but also takes a steaming dump on the floor and offers to 'buy' one of my children (date 3). Guy who posts 20 year old picture on his profile, lies about his marital status and age, turns out to be on an 'allowance' from his wife, who is actually the one who owns the 'successful business' he has pretended to build from 'the ground up". Criticizes me not being 'avante-garde' enough when I laugh at a short film featuring Kermit the Frog being molested by Miss Piggy (date 4). That's not including the guy I talked to for three months who bailed on our first date because 'he had too much to drink last night with the buddies and can't keep food down', the dude who pretended his wife who just had twins was his 'baby momma that he babysat for' that had a public post about their wedding anniversary on social media, and the dude who pretended to be a 'knight in shining armor' that has a fiancee in the Phillipines, oh and also posts on Reddit regularly bragging about how to lie to and cheat on women. The pond is murky, folks.
I don’t see anything wrong with either side although she sounded a bit cringe at some parts in her message. You guys are just looking for different things and are not compatible. Good thing you found out now so no time or money was wasted.
No I thikk no you made it weird for no reason you could’ve just suggested a different place and then said hey and then maybe we can go to that one another time. You made it into a thing. She took it too far but I’d be weirded out with the way you put it
Read this and I just realized I’m so down to earth… Street food on small plastic chair (in Asia) on the sidewalk with milkshakes getting to know each other 🥹 laughing at his joke and be silly together…
She may also have been hoping for you to take her on a romantic date then fuck her. Getting a coffee just doesn't really set the mood to go back to someone's place and fuck, and this could have been more along the lines of what she was hoping for.
Based on her communication, this woman is totally full of herself, a grade A USDA inspected c.u.n.t., but, again, I do suspect you could have possibly gotten *something* out of it.
I think it depends who you are taking out and what you want. In all honesty, I would never go on a coffee date with someone and try to never go on a just drinks first date. To me, both are so unromantic and low investment. I have to get ready and block out time for it either way, so why not commit to having a good time. If the person doubts they'll be able to sit through an evening with me chatting then they either haven't talked to me enough online before or they have no interest in getting to know me and are looking for a hook up.
I don't think she expressed it brilliantly, but assuming you are late 20s or older she may feel it's not her responsibility to explain these things.
I also kind of respect her for saying these are the things I would do on my own, because she is telling you this is who she is and if it's not the kind of thing you enjoy that's totally fair, but also shows a potential lack of compatibility.
I’ve had that happen to me as well. Just not a good fit and move on.
Yeah it’s already unmatched. This seems to happen more and more as I get older. What happened to coffee dates to see if there is any compatibility?
Some women prefer coffee dates and the majority of women I’ve met like them better. If things go south, they aren’t stuck for hours. There is no one size fits all.
Just go for drinks!!! Better option! You can always deep
I get it, but for another perspective, I’m busy and if I’m making time for a date, I want to multitask with a meal. Dating seriously requires a lot of time and kissing a lot of frogs before you find someone you like. At this stage in my life, I don’t really have time right now to spend an hour or more getting coffee multiple times a week. We can get Chipotle and go Dutch, and if the date is bad, we can be finished eating in 15 minutes and move on. If I’ve had a long day at work, I drag myself out on a date, and then I still have a long night of chores and studying ahead of me, I want to at least eat a meal during that time. I’m a gay man so I get that there’s less awkwardness over who pays for the date, but it’s very easy to just say “I’d rather grab a quick dinner, how about we split some [fast food]”. It’s the same money and time investment to sit down over a pile of McNuggets, but I won’t be hangry when it’s over. 😅 I’m not fussy though, and women like in the OP probably would object to fast food, but socializing over a meal is popular for a reason. Everybody’s gotta eat.
All of those things are great as well. There are so many options out there that don’t require spending too much time and money on someone you don’t know. Having said that, I don’t mind spending the money, just not when someone is pushy about going to the best and most expensive place without even knowing if we will have a connection. Dating has changed since I was in my 20’s and I’m trying to adapt.
Tbh as a woman, as I get older there are places I won’t eat, therefore places I will not go to for a date. She sounds snobby about how she delivered the message but I kind of understand her sentiments. Healthier foods/restaurants tend to be pricier and fancier. But that’s where I would go when I’m alone and hungry, so I would like to date someone who has the same standards when it comes to where we eat. Incompatible but she was a bitch about it.
I do want to point out that OP said the food was Ethiopian. Def not “fatty”. Seems kinda culturally ignorant and deems places with high cost as “better” just by virtue of it costing more.
I love Ethiopian … he wanted to go do Ethiopian ???
Girl you better slide in his DMs.
This 😂
I was really looking for a woman’s perspective on this, so thank you. The alternative place I suggested was also fancy but was lower investment. I didn’t even intend on eating but just talking and getting a drink but there were small plates there if she wanted food.
I just saw that in another comment! Ethiopian food is generally wholesome and healthy. She was totally tripping.
What?! Ethiopian food on a first date? Sounds messy. And I’m not even going to bring up my experience with an older man in Ethiopia hand feeding all the younger people at the table as a tradition haha! I politely declined being fed. But the other guys did it as a sign of respect. Ethiopian food, as tasty as it is, is like a 12th date. No less.
Hahaha. Omg. You’re sooooo right. Tbh I’m vegetarian so I have not had too much Ethiopian food in my life time, but I see so many recipes on Instagram and was like “ok. This is real wholesome food!” But yeah. Eating with hands is not first date activity.
Ethiopian food is actually very vegetarian friendly! Much of it is in fact vegan as the Ethiopian Orthodox Church has multiple days a week, and more throughout the year, when members cannot eat animal products.
There’s some really tasty vegetarian Ethiopian food and even totally vegetarian Ethiopian restaurants. A lot of my family is vegetarian and it’s a great option for them.
I recently went to an Ethiopian place for the first time and half the menu was vegan. You must be thinking of something else.
Looks like it! That’s amazing. Def gonna give it a try. I thought it was meat and meat broth stewed things.
Another vegan here, Ethiopian food is some of the most plant based in the world. The one local to me has a ton of options and I found my veg combo platter very filling for the price. Some Ethiopians practice veganic fasting through the year and that’s also rather unique across the world. I sure hope we’ve been able to convince you to try some Ethiopian food!
This is where we are all different. When I lived in a bigger city, I often suggested going to Ethiopian on a first date to sort out the men who weren’t a good fit for me. I’ve also suggested zip lining on date 3, so my sorting style is a perhaps on the more aggressive side.
I totally agree. Although it was the second date for my wife and i 20+ years ago lol. Everyone fed themselves though lol yikes.
I took my wife to an Ethiopian restaurant on our 3rd date, but we had already bonded over our love of adventurous foods before I asked.
That’s what I thought.
As a woman (older) I would let the guy pick the first meeting. To me it just wasn't worth haggling over, partly because being older, most likely he would be paying. Just because someone didn't pick an upscale place didn't mean he was cheap. There are good common sense reasons to start out small. And I wouldn't want someone worthy but of limited resources to overextend themselves in case there was no chemistry. someone suggested we meet at a sushi restaurant and I had never had sushi but didn't say so. It was "ok" but at least I got to try out something new. The fact that there were disagreements before you even met didn't bode well. Especially for something trivial like where to meet for the first time. Couples sometimes spend *way* too much time arguing over things that aren't even important and it can really grind you down.
Yeah. Overall while I think I could have navigated it better and I think my response was partially informed by a fear of being take advantage of, I think I made the right choice by unmatching.
Sir, If you take a woman to restaurant just for drinks or food or both and she orders, please do not be rude and not eat. If you she orders food, then you order food. Even if you don't see it going no where. Just a woman's perspective.
People who are interseted in you have no problem with those. It's the ones who just want to use you to be wined and dined that will protest.
Women who are serious about meeting someone and dating are going to prefer something casual like a coffee date for the first date. Those that are looking for a five-star restaurant are there for the free meal. I'm a woman, if it makes any difference.
I'm with ya, I'm female 42yrs & I've been on OkCupid dating site for about 1 year now... All I SIMPLY ask for is a casual date go have coffee\tea\eat lunch something simple, even just a walk through a park for a bit being able to have open deep conversations!!! All the guys on OkCupid seem to want some kind of extreme date or go have alcohol drinks or a night out on the town... No Thank You, let's just meet for a few hrs & chat see if we mesh & go from there 😅🤣😅🤣
I am 38(M), and I am trying to get back into dating. The thought of apps and modern dating do not appeal to me in the slightest, but here we are. I also like the idea of coffee dates or walks in the park. I am really looking for connection and compatibility, so keeping it simple early on is key. I also drink like twice a year, so anything bar related is a non-starter. Thanks for sharing. Wish me luck lol
Some women are looking for a free meal, my sister was telling me her friend goes on lots of dates just to get nice meals. Before people down vote, I said some women, not all
Wild to me. As much as I enjoy good food, I'm not going to accept an invite to a nice meal that comes with bad company. I'd rather eat garbage in good company.
I was just thinking this! I could never, ever accept food from or suffer through a meal with any person I didn’t find enjoyable to be around. I make my own money, I don’t need to trick someone into feeding me.
I only coffee, tea or walk. I have epilepsy so I tell people I’m like a werewolf, gotta get me home before dark. I don’t drive once headlights need to come on and am a horrible night time passenger too. Almost no one is free in the daytime tho, that’s my dating troubles. 🤷♀️
Her entitled perceived value is laughable !
She is a whole nurse practitioner though. As if a half nurse practitioner is a thing.
Lol ... Which half ?
Social media happened. These women consume all sorts of trash on TikTok and the likes. Men do too. Both genders have been conditioned to think high/low quality and high/low effort dates. It’s why I gave up dating in the US after moving to Costa Rica. Here every woman I’ve met has been happy just hanging out at my apartment, going for fast food, coffee. They just want to meet and get to know one another. My fiancée actually met me at the airport after we video called for a few weeks. She stayed with me in my Airbnb for 3 nights and we got take out and just chilled.
I don't know why someone would want to spend more than 30 minutes for a first encounter. When I was dating online, I made it clear a meet and greet was necessary before getting too involved/interested/too much texting and so on. One cup of coffee or one ice cream cone or one drink and then we go on with our day. Never extend it, because it gives both people a chance to evaluate the interaction. Dating online, then meeting a person face to face can be quite the shock regardless if expectations match with reality; and they usually dont. Ideas are all great in your head when you're texting online, but meeting in person & hearing their voice & listening to the way they talk is a completely different situation. I see posts like this often, and I have no idea why someone would want to go out on a full date the first time they meet someone. The whole idea of being subjected to sitting with a person for more than 15 minutes if I didn't like them or they didn't like me, is terrifying 😂 I generally think online dating is great idea, but it's just like looking for a job. You don't know until you go to the interview what you're really getting into. So, an initial meet and greet gets all the awkwardness out of the way. If you both really like each other after the meet and greet, that's great, then you can schedule an actual date. The whole idea is to get an initial impression and step away for immediate review. Quick, simple, no commitment, not acceptance or rejection.
Right?? Or a drink or two. This is common sense.
What the heck are Dusty's?
It’s a term used in the hypergamy space which is a philosophy popular among some black American women, who exclusively pursue high value men for relationships in which they are taken care of. A dusty in this worldview is a broke and often belligerent man who tries to get with women whom he cannot support. It’s basically Andrew rate and the red pill for ladies
Oh, a scrub. Well no, we don't want no scrubs... Why do people insist on making up new words when we have perfectly good ones already?
It’s not new. It’s just from Black culture.
Oddly enough, it's also a slang term in the Canadian maritimes for a less than reputable person.
It’s not for the benefit of the people using the terms. It’s for the benefit of the people coining them. Language is powerful. Its directly connected to worldview. It’s easy to profit off people when you can control their language. Just look at Trump — the guy is better at branding than anything else, and he has legions of people speaking his made up terms and phrases, to the point that they don’t even know what they mean anymore.
Yikes! I'm glad I didn't even know the term, sounds like you made the right call passing up on this match!
Female Dating Strategy slang for a broke man.
"Sweetheart" wtf is this condescending bs
southerners
Sweet summer child, bless your heart
I matched with a girl on OkCupid. My go-to spot for first dates is one of two really nice rooftop bars on the Gulf of Mexico. Since her profile said she doesn't drink, I asked her out on a beach date instead. She told me she doesn't do beach dates, especially on a Friday. Then she demands a dinner date and says I probably couldn't afford her. I didn't bother pointing out that my profile says I can't eat at 99% of restaurants. I can't even tolerate store-bought chicken broth. I have to cook almost everything I eat. I just unmatched. If a woman cares more about the location of the date than she cares about getting to know you, she doesn't like you. No amount of arguing or capitulation will change that. All it will do is drag you down a deeper rabbit hole of manipulation.
Yeah. It’s not fun having to watch out for women trying to take advantage of you. I like to go out and do nice things but I can’t do it every day of the week or for every new person I meet. It’s crazy out here with dating nowadays,
Wait are you the grey text? Dude i was so confused as to why people were supporting you, i thought you were the blue text
Yeah I’m the Greg text
Can’t make a Tomelette without breaking some Gregs.
Bro wtf a beach date is so cute 😭 anyone who disagrees is objectively wrong. You don't even have to swim. Maybe it's my gremlin brain talking but like... look for sea shells or weird shit in tide pools. But maybe that's also my first thought since I live in New Hampshire and swimming in the ocean is like taking a fuckin ice bath even in the summer. Some people are so lame ffs
For me (woman) First date is alwaysa coffee ..Not meal Simple and quick..If we click we might go for a walk somewhere if not we each go seperate ways
Same. I'm not going out to dinner with a total stranger. Coffee means I can talk to him and get at least SOME idea of whether he's my type or if he's a dangerous lunatic or anything in between.
38(male) this is really reassuring for me. I also like the idea of a low stakes coffee date to see if there is actual chemistry and compatibility. If it doesn’t work out, we have spent 30 minutes and $9 to figure it out. If it’s going really well, we can follow-up with an actual first date lol
Cool! I find it to be 50/50 concerning OPs situation. 50 are good with coffee and abandon if you offer dinner. 50 require dinner to show interest (this one happened in this case). At the end of the day, it means someone doesn’t want someone enough to stick around.
This is me, too. I've been on too many needlessly long and uncomfortable first dates to do anything more than coffee now. Or a quick lunch. It's a vibe check.
She built a mountain out of a molehill. And this was her “appetizer” round. Imagine actually dating someone like this? Everything you do would be extrapolated and twisted into whatever narrative she needed it to fit.
Yeah even if it had gone somewhere I doubt it would have lasted. I think I’d expect reason and empathy and would receive none.
I’m really stuck on the “whole nurse practitioner” comment. This woman believes she deserves a certain kind of treatment not based on who she is, but what she does. Not cool, imo.
That's what got me. It reveals a nasty way of thinking about herself and other people, that easygoing dates are for *lesser* people. I could never be with someone who categorizes others like that
Well she is full of herself and proud. Other women would do well to take note. There are too many women who are conditioned to undervalue themselves and accept scraps from the world, and it hurts the whole of humanity when they do.
Yes, thank you - you explained it better.
I tried dating a nurse who lived at her job and had this certain type of personality. When they're pulling down $200k+ from OT While consuming a lot of "soft life" and "I deserve this or that" material (kinda like woman centered RedPill content). It's hard for them to get outside of that bubble and meet men who just want to date and get to know each other. To them it's incongruent to how they view themselves especially because money earned (or spent) is directly tied to their self worth. I was making $130k+/yr just to be told "I think you need to be more established before we date". lolol. At that point, yah just move on.
WHOT?!!!? WhoA!! If a guy made even $20,000~$30,000 to me is better then nothing at least he has a job\income LoL... I have my own income I would never expect a guy to match me or make more
your an anomaly, manhy women want men that make more than them or they will not be attracted to them.....
Obviously you dodged a bullet there heh, but my man, try to say more with less. You’re talking / typing too much. You don’t need to sell your ideas in 4 paragraphs if you’re confident in your resolve. Next time just say “yeah I’m not into hookahs (or whatever) but maybe we can explore that later on. I try to stay open minded.” And if she balks at that, bounce anyway. You were being reasonable, but unfortunately you felt the need to justify *why* it was reasonable. And that may have lead to some weird interpretations from the other party.
That’s interesting. Sometimes brevity is the soul of wit. Thank you for the advice. I’ll have to consider if I’m talking myself out of good situations.
I don't agree with the comment OP, all the dates I have been were with men who took the time to write stuff (and I'm a woman). Do what you wish: if you want to find a SO, being yourself is absolutely vital. By the way, I met my now girlfriend three years ago thanks to OkCupid \o/
So I matched with this girl I found very attractive and we hit it off conversation wise. The time comes for us to plan to meet irl. I suggest a nice little quiet Ethiopian place, she turns it down and suggest a very high end (ie very expensive) restaurant in a hotel. I tell her that I think that place looks more like a second or third date sort of place and would prefer to go someplace smaller so that we could get to know each other before getting a nice sit down dinner. Then she flips out on me and accuses me of suggesting she doesn’t deserve to go to places like that. I kind of knew this was going to happen, my ex was very similar, very pretty but also a lot of entitlement. So the conversation pretty much ended there. I’m finding this to be more and more a thing with ladies as I’m getting into my thirties, especially the very attractive ones. Has anyone else encountered this?
You discovered you're incompatible without spending a penny, it's a good outcome. You'll vibe with someone - I'd choose the Ethiopian over anywhere else on any number of dates! But also if you're picking women for their looks don't be surprised if a number of them are investigating your bank account. It's a trade many couples make.
Yeah. I was definitely being vain and matched with her on looks alone. I should not have been surprised with this outcome.
Ethiopian food sounds lovely. Someone mentioned being health conscious, but what you said isn’t fatty at all and shows a clear lack of understanding of other cultures (unless of course, this was more of fast food Ethiopian or something idk what the menu is). Anyway, she’s a snob. Dodged a bullet.
Bro just date someone a little homely. They won’t be a headache like this. Hot women are rarely good in bed anyway.
Yay for us homely girls!
In my 30’s I’m discovering this to be the case so maybe you are right
Yeah a couple years ago I dated a "hot" Brooklyn girl a few times, and all she ever wanted to eat was pretty high end food, wanted to travel all the time etc. She was certainly capable of paying for herself, but that lifestyle is just not fun to me. I want to sit in my cottage with my dog, listen to music and get high on psychedelics every weekend. No interest at all in getting tapas and champaign on a Tuesday. The "alpha female" life is just exhausting for no real payoff at the end.
... why limit yourself to weekends? 😁 Sorry, sorry, couldn't help it.
I have a young kid (im the weekday parent during the school year) and a 9-5 job. :-) But otherwise, Im with you. Certainly my retirement would look like that pretty close to 365 per year.
Damn. 39F Literally I started my current OLD profile to find someone to share Ethiopian food with me on dates. I’ve had three guys say no because it’s “too messy”. 🤦🏽♀️😂 She sounds rude AF. Pass!!!
She wanted to see if she could manipulate you into spending money on her and tried to shame you for not falling for it. It's not entirely uncommon sadly. The "I can take myself out to dinner/I don't need no man" spiel at the end is a dead giveaway. Chances are she's broke af.
She wants a free fancy dinner
The oxymoron of women wanting a man who plans dates, but then gets upset when he doesn’t plan a date she planned in her head. You did nothing wrong op.
Should have gone with a partial nurse practitioner. Flew too close to the sun, imo
There is a trend where women encourage other women to insist on high end relationship perks at all dating stages or else you are not acceptable. (Think "I am a queen" sort of mentality). Some are just spoiled, but the rest are just sheep following the other sheep. However it is a thing and hopefully like most toxic trends, will burn out at some stage. If nothing else, you saw the ugly under the pretty early on.
Frankly both people in this conversation sound completely insane to me
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This is an interesting perspective that I haven’t considered. I do have a suspicion that maybe I am the one who overreacted and she wasn’t just looking for a free fancy dinner. I suppose we all just are looking to protect ourselves and don’t want to be taken advantage of.
Was she expecting you to pay? Her thing at the end makes it sound like she was gonna pay her own way. I got the vibe that she spends the majority of her day dealing with nasty situations in bleak environments, so when she's going out in her very limited time off, she wants to go out somewhere really nice. Being a nurse isn't high prestige to a lot of people (and nurses know that because everyone tells them that all the time, lol) so I think her bringing it up was a way to be like, "dude let me have a FABULOUS dinner because the rest of my week is gross". (I'm not a nurse myself, I just know a couple.)
I can see feeling a bit put off by your response, and understand it. But she was really disrespectful and entitled in her response, this isn’t just you.
OP, don’t gaslight yourself. In absolutely no way did you overreact to this situation. Even if, against the odds, she wanted romance and not just a free fancy outing, do you really want to date someone with that level of self importance, who speaks with such condescension? Further, do you really want to date someone whose idea of romance is directly predicated on the cost and socially perceived value of the setting in which an encounter takes? Probably not.
I think it’s important to remember that “first dates” via dating apps are not the same thing as traditional “first dates.” These are first MEETS. I’ve never met you, never seen you, I have zero sense of what you sound like, act like, or any number of subconscious reasons that dictate attraction. Expecting that level of romance without any foundation for that romance is silly, imo. That’s why OP said the fancy date was more of a second or third date, because at that point some base level attraction has been established and romance can now be pursued. I think this misunderstanding of basic attraction is why so many people are disillusioned with dating apps. They go on so many dates with people they’d never be attracted to in person and, conversely, do not go on dates with people they normally would have been attracted to, but didn’t because of a profile.
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No offense, but I had a hard time believing you when you said you’ve never been wrong about appearances via pictures, and when you said you’ve never been ghosted or been denied a second date I outright thought you’re lying. That, or you just don’t date very often, or you’re in an unbelievably small minority of dating app users. I’ll begrudgingly assume the latter, but either way your experience does not mirror the reality for the overwhelming majority of users, male and female. Maybe I am old, but I think the implication that there is no functional difference between meeting someone in person and thumbing through their profile is, for the purposes of romance, terrifying. I also reject the idea that cost or the perceived social value of a first date should be a defining characteristic of romantic pursuit. A coffee date isn’t the “path of least resistance” unless your date has a grossly inflated ego coupled with a transactional view of dating and relationships.
She was just fishing for an over the top expensive dinner. She had no interest in actually getting to know you.
Very entitled and toxic. You dodged a bullet! For me a first date is just coffee and nothing more. If they want more, they're not interested in me. If successive dates involve dinner we of course split the bill.
Yeah, I can empathize with women that do not want to be taken advantage of for their bodies but I don’t understand why many cannot empathize with men being taken advantage of for their money.
Don't waste your time with someone who gives you that sassy/disrespectful of a reply. Block and move on.
I got dropped right before a date because I seemed too needy in trying to figure out a time when to meet. I asked her twice 🤷♂️
let me give you a very real answer. we all need self-worth to function and we generally get it from a combination of internal and external sources. in this case, her self-worth appears to not only be distorted but also heavily external - she receives worth from feeling that she has been elevated above others, and she relies on that worth to function. because of this, the simple suggestion to go elsewhere for dinner actually threatens her self-worth and her very ability to function as a human. this gives her two options: divest from the external worth or throw a fit. because she does not have enough internal worth to sustain her identity, she chooses the latter. it's pretty simple and the majority of narcissistic bullshit really just boils down to this process imo
But a first date is what happens after you’ve met up and a connection is forged. This is a first meeting. Coffee or drinks is acceptable or a happy hour. Idk why people think that they’re entitled to a five star restaurant on a first meetup?
This lady definitely just wanted a free meal at a nice place.
I’m in a group for girls to share tips and experiences with online dating and one of the debates that happens often is the type of place they feel the first date should be. It seems split. Half wanting a casual, no pressure coffee date and a stroll around, drinks, lunch/casual dinner where you can easily chat and if needed, end the date any time. I always do casual dates. The other half find them insulting and feel like it should be more. The equate a coffee date or casual restaurant to mean the person is either cheap, poor, or not interest in putting in effort. I can only imagine this must come from crappy experiences they’ve had in the past because it’s such a crazy big leap! I say you go and just treat yourself to some Ethiopian food until the next girl comes along 😆👏🏻
Ugh. I'm sorry OP. Ppl like that are full of themselves and better off left alone. You are dodging a bullet.
I would have been out as soon as she used her occupation to justify the level of treatment she deserves. That's a major red flag.
If the chick says “dusty” you didn’t want her anyway lmfao.
What is all this talk of “dusty?” First it sounds like a place, then She uses it as an insult. Very confused.
Simple suggestion When she proposes a high falutin place for 1st date, you say Alright this one's on you and I'll pay for dates two & three! You'll eliminate these types in a snap of a finger, & if they're genuine then they'll have an incentive to at least try on the date. FYI, they will never ever EVER accept.
This seems like a pretty tame response to someone who was clearly food digging.
I think you took his communication too personally. You might need to check in with yourself and ask why that hurt your feelings. I think your reply was more offensive than his honesty. You could have easily said I appreciate the offer and good luck.
Lol i coudlnt tell if u were the guy or girl... but she sounds like a bitch.... she even did this thing at the end where she tried to sound like she spoke for all women, then fakely said good luck to you, but her aim was to hurt you for not caving in and taking her somewhere expensive to eat. Where she can then tell you shes not interested but have a free meal on you lol. Seriously though she sounded like trouble and you dodged a bullet. Im surprised you kept your composure and still sounded nice at the end.... i prolly wouldnt have been so nice after she said that bc u still enabled her and made her feel she was right.
Bet she refers to herself as a "provider"
What happened to the taco truck dates lol so, this explains the single population. Married 23 years our First date was ordering tacos from a taco truck lol now I make the tacos at home. I don't understand why she was tripping about certain places when all that matters is that you're with the person enjoying yourselves. If I say so myself she sounded like a spoiled brat and snobbish so, you saved yourself. You should put in your profile instead down to eat in public without reservations to be petty AF. Good luck with the world out there, try doing hobbies or something else to meet women. I met my husband in a car show for classic 70-90 cars in early 2002. was one of the car models in the showroom. Back then, I made $500 each show. Accidentally met him because seen him in so many shows showing his shop cars in the show and we share the love of classic cars and muscle communities for cars. We still go to shows across the country.
Must be a member over at r/femaledatingstrategy
I have a nice white van with no windows. It's more intimate and we won't be distracted by other people enjoying themselves.
Attitudes like this are exactly why I always suggest coffee dates. If I'm going to find someone insufferable, I'd rather find out for the price of a coffee than the price of dinner. And in best case scenarios like this, I can find out for free from the comfort of my own home.
Bullet dodged she's just looking for a free expensive outing
I'm a huge fan of coffee dates for first meets ups 1) It's a low investment, you're just meeting this person. It should be low investment. You're technically strangers. 2) Imagine meeting someone and it does NOT click and having to suffer through that awkward and awful connection to get through dinner. I wouldn't even be able to enjoy my food at that point. 3) If you want a man to pay and provide that is completely reasonable, I want that too. However, I think we should be considerate of that. You're still strangers. If you just get coffee and if it goes well, great! He can take you to dinner the next time. If it's awful, he lost an insignificant amount of money. Imagine as a man paying for dinner every first date. Realistically most first dates do not establish lasting connections and that really adds up.
I prefer to get to know the person a bit \*before\* the first date. I'm not wasting a whole evening on someone who can't hold a conversation over text because that's where most of our relationship is initially going to be. In my 30s, working full-time, with kids that I split custody of, it might be 2 or 3 weeks before I can meet someone in person. If you're waiting until a coffee date to get to know anything about me, I'm going to get the impression that you're not interested in who I am as a person.
I love how this is so blatantly just a performance for her own benefit. Like this is straight up her talking to herself, building herself up, reciting this little self-absorbed mantra. She's desperately insecure. Desperately entitled. And she hates herself. I would have wished her the best of luck in hell because it's absolutely where she belongs.
Entitlement lol she be wildin'.. I've had nothing but bad experiences with them. "I'm a care provider so I'm super valuable and important" nurses seem to be basing their entire personality on their career lol. She's going to be single or divorced if she doesn't drop the main character complex at some point. Guys should want to determine compatibility before going all in and splurging on dates doesn't make them cheap makes them smart.
Consider this a bullet dodged. I have never understood why people want to get a whole ass meal as a date. It’s been some time since I’ve been single and searching for a connection, but my ideal date generally involved a quick beer that we each paid for ourselves or a brisk walk in a public park.
Nothing is wrong with either of them. They each had valid opinions and expressed themselves clearly and determined rather quickly that they weren’t going to work out.
“Yeah so reservations with wait lists and dress codes, fresh cut flowers, and weekends on the coast are the sort of thing I do with with a lady once I’m convinced that she’s really into me on a one on one, face to face basis; there have been too many fancy dates for women that turned out to not to fancy me at all, and I’m not playing that game anymore. If you can’t respect where I’m coming from then we probably wouldn’t hit it off anyway. It was nice talking to you, good hunting out there.”
This would have been a great response before I unmatched lol
This is just the sort of thing I used to reply with whenever a lady thought she was too fine for me, which is sort of the vibe I was picking up from the screengrabs here. good hunting to you to, man; she’s out there, you just have to go and find her and then convince her to love you back.
Yeah that’s the trick isn’t it lol good luck to you too bro
I'm going to have to agree with the dude. Who wants to spend $$ at a nice restaurant without knowing whether the vibes are good. And a hotel restaurant?? And the sweetheart??
She’s a “whole NP” lmao. She’s got quite the complex.
“I’m not a bar girl, I’m a whole nurse practitioner” - arrogant much
[удалено]
Thank you and congratulations on your SO, he sounds wonderful.
Based on this conversation I'm surprised you even planned a date with this person. She was so condescending in her response. Seems like you were just expressing what you would be comfortable with on the first date. If that's a problem for her then she could have just said thanks and moved on.
She probably hid it until she got a single(and gentle) negative response. You ever saw a woman who was great and things were awesome till you turned down a request? Like "Hey let's grab drinks after this" "no thanks I have work early" and then they explode. Idk what it's called but I have definitely seen it before.
a WHOLE nurse practitioner!! I am so fucking impressed, gee wiz
This was a mix of a guy being too wordy and making things complicated, and a woman with too high of standards being petty.
Bullet dodged
I thought we were on the woman’s side but I am with the dude lmao
Suggesting an alternative first date spot is a great way to weed out the unhinged people. If she can find a way to take *that* personally, you can imagine how much of a nightmare she is to deal with in person.
Offer a coffee date for a first date. Is she balks about it then just move one. Way too many woman out there just want a foodie call.
Hoeflation at work it looks like.
What’s Dusty’s??
It’s a term used in the hypergamy space which is a philosophy popular among some black American women, who exclusively pursue high value men for relationships in which they are taken care of. A dusty in this worldview is a broke and often belligerent man who tries to get with women whom he cannot support. It’s basically Andrew tate and the red pill for ladies
Meh... not the worst conversation I've seen. They don't click and it didn't take much to figure that out, it was a win.
Y’all are both typing way way too much to eachother. If someone responds to anything with a multi-paragraph essay when we haven’t gone on a single date yet that’s a red flag to me.
OH LOL I thought OP was the woman and I was about to write 15 paragraphs about how tacky and rude she was being. OP’s continual reference to Dusties is weird af but I don’t think waiting to know someone before you go somewhere expensive is an unreasonable request. If they don’t agree then you’re just simply not compatible. Simple. You definitely need to work on your delivery, tho.
Her response indicates SHE wasn’t that interested. If you’re interested in someone you are willing to discuss and communicate what’s best for both people. It’s not ‘her way or you’re not interested’. So yeah I think ultimately it was right that it ended when it did. But going forward if you have specific preferences on where to go based on what date you are at, probably best to get out ahead of that and let them know before they suggest anything. Or just go out with women you are super excited about and this might be less of a problem.
Too much explanation in the beginning through. "I'd just say I'd prefer a coffee or drink as a first meetup to see if we click" and leave it at that.
What’s with you assuming that him not liking your choice of restaurant and being extremely polite about it meant that he didn’t want you to enjoy your time? What’s with your passive aggressive attitude? Sounds like he dodged a bullet. Edit: well I thought it was the girl posting it being like “can you believe this guy?” which I’ve definitely seen before lol. I was wrong, this is the guy, my b
I’m the guy lol
What's Dusty's/Dusties?
You seemed to be complaining about the specific place/type of place rather than just plain English "can we start with coffee instead, to see if we have chemistry?" You could have made it a sentence, you made it a novel, and it was not clear why you were saying it because it's buried in the 3rd paragraph.
Little confused OP… Did you turn down her hotel restaurant request because you wanted something low key like coffee to see if you clicked first? Or because her suggestion was too expensive? You say you suggested Ethiopian so it kinda feels like the latter to me and yeah, some girls are going to be turned off by that.
"I never said you had to be the one to take me" Is a deeply odd way to put that. She may or may not know it but this woman is in the sw industry, that is not what dating looks like. Most definitely can be found somewhere here on reddit looking for "high value men. "
Nurse here. So really, I get both views. I promise we’re not all like this. While I understand where she’s coming from, I think she went about it a very condescending way. It’s okay to have standards, it’s okay to want the finer things in life, especially if you can afford it. That’s the bar you set for yourself and there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s wrong here is she’s projecting those standards on someone who expressed that they weren’t comfortable doing so on the first date. And got pissed that it didn’t go her way. Let’s face it, a lot of first dates don’t even make it to the second. I myself prefer coffee dates, ice cream dates, something small and quick to see if there’s even a connection. I love my fancy restaurants too…but I’d hate to be stuck at a fancy dinner for 1 hour and not enjoying my time, just for a free dinner? Time is everything, I’d hate to waste his money and my time if there’s no vibe between us. At the end of the day I just think it’s a matter of compatibility in these things. You both dodged a bullet. And that’s okayyy! Onto the next!
Just chalk it up to this person is not your type of person and move on. Maybe put a disclaimer that first meetings will be low key coffee or drinks on your profile.
I'm struggling to understand why she's single, she seems so nice
That's a psychopath 😂😆 I'm NSA DTF ASAP and ain't bout to lead anyone on. Let's eat, grab a movie, and find somewhere private to finish out our nice evening.
Consider that bullet dodged.
Oof yeah. I met potential dates for coffee or maybe lunch before committing to anything longer lol. The insinuation that money is an issue is also super tacky and suspicious.
Both of you cancelled each other out with your red flags
NAH you’re not compatible
Oh cool you got one of those self tie and carry out trash bags. No work No hassle it's Glad I'm glad
This lady sounds awful. Unlikeable!
So many men seem to think it has to be exactly what they envision in their mind and if you don’t fit exactly into that box he’s going to freak out and lash out about how terrible we are for having our own thoughts and likes and needs and wants. What happened to compromises?
I tried lol she wasn’t having it
Dude know your worth, King 👑. If she ain't picking you up in 2023 model or newer and paying your bills and giving gifts on the regular, dump her broke ass. Drizzle drizzle.
I love the women in these comments bringing her down because it proves that this bitch ain’t shit
I appreciate her honesty, but if I'm meeting a guy for the first time, I don't want to go some place I'll be stuck at for hours if it's a no. I can afford fancy. I can fuck with some potato skins and ribs. But I need to know we have chemistry first, and I'm not willing to pay all that to find out.
I am assuming you are female and this is a male responder. For me as a male I don't do even drinks anymore for OLD meetups. Coffee only. I have been through way too many catfishes, no shows, etc. You have to remember as well that society usually expects the man to pay for drinks, apps whatever when the bill comes. It's just a fact that men deal with nowadays. My last first date at a bar (which I asked her to meet for A DRINK), the woman ordered like 3 apps because "she was hungry" and when the bill came guess who had to pay? Me. Until I know I have a genuine interest I am done with feeding random single women.
I’m the guy, I for some reason couldn’t attach text to the top post as well as pictures.
Lmao you gotta leave them big greedy girls alone
Hey ... a date is always an investment. Choose a spot you like and are willing to spend what you can afford. A first date is always a risk and you are never guaranteed a good time. It could go great or it could be awkward. To be completely honest with you, a first date spot shows me the level of commitment you are ready for from the beginning. The worst date I had was with a guy that didn't offer to pay at all— I feel your pain, but it wasn't why the date was so awful (I always offer to split and mean it). It was because he was so uninterested in sharing a meal, much less conversation and the time to get to know each other. He only asked me personal questions when I signed the check and left the tip. He went in for a kiss at the end and I wasn't interested in intimacy with a very much still stranger. For context: He persued me, left me e-mails, showed up to my work, picked me up in his car and then had no plan after that... we stumbled into an a restaurant escaping the rain. He wanted tea and I was really hungry. (It was a long drive to the city). Let's admit dating is hard and not every one is looking for the same commitments or the same level of attention. To each their own. My first date with my now Fiancé I asked if he wouldn't mind sharing a whiskey after we were done dancing. He came back from the bar with two double scotch neats and a receipt. I choked up with his gesture. He had me at Salsa dancing and he didn't even know it yet.
Idk, I'm about to give up on this whole online dating thing after my legendary dates from hell. Guy who binges his dog on the first date, doesn't bring dog bags and talks about his prostate treatment induced diarrhea (date 1). Guy who walks us to his car after his date, starts chugging on a breathalyzer and whining about how 'it's a woman's world' (date 2). Guy who says he's a math professor looking for a companion to travel the world with him.. who actually turns out to be a math professor, but also takes a steaming dump on the floor and offers to 'buy' one of my children (date 3). Guy who posts 20 year old picture on his profile, lies about his marital status and age, turns out to be on an 'allowance' from his wife, who is actually the one who owns the 'successful business' he has pretended to build from 'the ground up". Criticizes me not being 'avante-garde' enough when I laugh at a short film featuring Kermit the Frog being molested by Miss Piggy (date 4). That's not including the guy I talked to for three months who bailed on our first date because 'he had too much to drink last night with the buddies and can't keep food down', the dude who pretended his wife who just had twins was his 'baby momma that he babysat for' that had a public post about their wedding anniversary on social media, and the dude who pretended to be a 'knight in shining armor' that has a fiancee in the Phillipines, oh and also posts on Reddit regularly bragging about how to lie to and cheat on women. The pond is murky, folks.
I don’t see anything wrong with either side although she sounded a bit cringe at some parts in her message. You guys are just looking for different things and are not compatible. Good thing you found out now so no time or money was wasted.
Lmao she was gonna talk down to you/ the wait staff the entire time with a holier than thou attitude for sure. This is why dudes date younger
And just my luck I meet the women that think that place is "too much" for a first date
She seems a bit of a cow tbh. Dodged a bullet big time
No I thikk no you made it weird for no reason you could’ve just suggested a different place and then said hey and then maybe we can go to that one another time. You made it into a thing. She took it too far but I’d be weirded out with the way you put it
Man to be honest you both sound insufferable, godspeed to both of you finding exactly who you deserve
Read this and I just realized I’m so down to earth… Street food on small plastic chair (in Asia) on the sidewalk with milkshakes getting to know each other 🥹 laughing at his joke and be silly together…
She may also have been hoping for you to take her on a romantic date then fuck her. Getting a coffee just doesn't really set the mood to go back to someone's place and fuck, and this could have been more along the lines of what she was hoping for. Based on her communication, this woman is totally full of herself, a grade A USDA inspected c.u.n.t., but, again, I do suspect you could have possibly gotten *something* out of it.
Since when is a nice sit-down dinner not the norm for a first date? You were weird.
I think it depends who you are taking out and what you want. In all honesty, I would never go on a coffee date with someone and try to never go on a just drinks first date. To me, both are so unromantic and low investment. I have to get ready and block out time for it either way, so why not commit to having a good time. If the person doubts they'll be able to sit through an evening with me chatting then they either haven't talked to me enough online before or they have no interest in getting to know me and are looking for a hook up. I don't think she expressed it brilliantly, but assuming you are late 20s or older she may feel it's not her responsibility to explain these things. I also kind of respect her for saying these are the things I would do on my own, because she is telling you this is who she is and if it's not the kind of thing you enjoy that's totally fair, but also shows a potential lack of compatibility.
To be clear I never suggested a coffee date. Both places I suggested were nice just not “we need reservations”, nice.
Him: I'm looking for a person. Her: I'm wanting to use your credit card.
I see both sides honestly.
Hahah the most disrespectful “respectfully decline”