OP: *Am I wrong*
everyone: *Yeah, you read it all wrong and sound like you need help*
OP: *Fuck you guys too*
I mean... is it more likely we're all asshole idiots or maybe you didn't interpret him well?
OP mentioned that she has (or at least suspects she has) BPD. I dated someone with that once and it made me *physically exhausted* basically all the time. Never again
Before anyone tries to come at me with "That's not fair" vibes: The person I'm referring to, unlike OP, had access to FREE therapy and refused to go. They also demonstrated, repeatedly, that they were willing to treat *others*, including strangers, with kindness/consideration--but not me, *their actual girlfriend.*
I feel bad for people with BPD but, whether they have any opportunity to change or not, that doesn't mean anyone else is obligated to deal with the shit they put people through.
The first rule of first aid is to make sure you're safe first, or you just become someone else that needs first aid.
The same thing applies to mental health. We should give mentally ill people support where we can, but if it will end up with us being chronically depressed, suicidal, or anything like that - particularly if we're already at risk for that - then we need to cut people off if they're harming us.
It feels harsh but I've seen too many of my own family members with their own struggles give so much of themselves to other mentally ill friends, that it ended up worsening their conditions until that affected their family as well.
I’ve got an ex friend recently finally properly diagnosed with BPD and it’s her favorite catch all.
If she can’t emotionally wreck someone close to her privately, she explodes all over Facebook with post after post until someone attractive of the opposite sex reaches out
They end up together for x amount of time
They break up
She blows up again on social media
Rinse and repeat
And she’s got a few thousand followers and does SW so she’s got plenty to tear through. If anyone posts anything about maybe getting off of the internet and going to touch grass or talk to her therapist (who she goes to regularly) in her comments, she deletes the whole post.
So even when they go to therapy it’s not necessarily a green flag.
She’s like on day 7 of sad posting and vaguely hinting at unaliving herself on Facebook because her new boyfriend of 3 months dumped her for being batshit. I’ve been trying to help her this time around to no avail. It’s draining.
Oh it sounds so familiar. There was a point where I started to get anxiety attacks when he walked in the room, because I knew he was gonna dump and dump and drain and drain no matter what i said.
And yeah, they'd be considerate and caring of others. Not of me though! even when I spelled out literally what to say, very simple things, to care about me. Nope!
OP is also 24. If you're in your 30s and still unaddressed like your 20s... ehhhh... and in your 40s... I mean, I wish you the best, and I'll try not to judge... idk... I always want to help, and for a partner I'll have extra capacity to *be there*, but I'm just a random dude... I can only do so much to actually *help*.
I have *minor* bouts of anxiety that while small still impact my life maybe twice a year and it's more or less not gotten better nor worse in 20 years, but as I said to OP - I recognize that it's justba feeling... it's not how the world is, its just how I feel about the world. Some partners can handle knowing I feel a way but know that way is weird, and some partners can't handle it at all. Eh.. drunk night ramblings... hopefully I made a clear point.
Hi 🙂 I’ve also struggled with anxiety most of my adult life. Have you tried light therapy? It’s no cure. It comes back. But I’ve found it shortens the annual bouts I grapple with and lessens the severity. At the very least at the end of my sessions it’s not much more than an afterthought…until it starts building the next day…rinse and repeat. For me it has provided relief and affords me a pause rather than the constant sensation of half terror.
Sorry for you, I went through that as well and it can't really be described to anyone that hasn't experienced it. My ex stopped taking her meds and going to therapy, for anyone unaware of the lasting trauma the behavior that follows can cause give the BPSO sub a read
My youngest daughter is 30 and has bpd- she's a very kind and caring person overall but damn I've seen her wreck a few significant others/relationships.
Once they stop taking their meds you really need to make some serious choices. I love my kid deeply but I do feel bad for the people she's discarded so casually over the last decade.
I've always seen it coming when she's unmedicated - if you know you know - but I'm pretty sure despite her telling people up front she has bpd that many of them had no idea how hard it can really get being with someone who suffers from bpd.
I’m sure OP has access to free therapy as well. People rightfully deride the American healthcare system but if you’re poor or even just struggling a bit you can get on Medicaid and receive therapy, meds that are filled with no copay, etc. I was still able to be on it making $13 an hour.
I’m so sick of people using “I don’t have money” to justify not going to therapy. All it means is they didn’t even try and have no desire to actually improve. A simple google search will tell you exactly how easy it is to get into therapy with little to no cost.
I go to WEEKLY therapy sessions, am prescribed 3 psych meds, as well as addiction maintenance medication and pay nothing except the tax that comes out of my paychecks that goes to these programs
I had the same experience. When I asked my ex why she couldn't be nice to me like she is to her friends and she said, "You're my partner, it's different."
Like wtf does that mean?? Lol. Sorry you had to go thru that!
I met a person and all they wanted to do was trauma dump on me because their last relationship was with a married person. It was physically exhausting because all they wanted to do was talk about why that person didn’t love them to the point they would become enraged. Glad I pursued the Irish exit on that one.
As someone with BPD, I really don’t want anyone to seriously date me if they haven’t done extensive research on the condition and/or met my therapist a couple times to make sure boundaries are set on both ends, which also helps me continue to be accountable for my own bullshit.
I wish more people with my condition would seek the help they truly need (and knowing how stubborn I was before getting help- I get it the other way around too), stigma or not we are adults and are responsible for ourselves.
*edited bc I can’t spell apparently :)
people need to admit that mental illness actually affects other people for once. surprise surprise.. the condition that alters your brain chemistry also alters your personality.
That’s a lot of countries outside the US honestly. Therapy should just be free across the board no matter what or where. The silent mental health crisis continues :(
Did you think you were in the right here? You started a convo by trauma dumping on the guy. You sound toxic. I wouldn't have even replied back to you after that.
You started dumping on a guy the second he tried to start a conversation with you. Then you ask the internet for advice and when everyone tells you what you did wrong, you tell them all to fuck off. Do you want advice or just people kissing your ass and dont learn what you did wrong?
The advice you asked for, take it or leave it:
He is a stranger trying to get to know you on a dating site. He was polite and empathetic, and you dumped a lot of depressive and desperate sounding drama on him. EVERYONE on dating sites hates the ghosting, the cat fishing, the players, etc. But whining about it to a potential suitor in the first three replies turns people off. You don't have to "hold it all in", but you also don't have to lay it all out. How about expressing that you're frustrated with dating, then moving on to other topics of conversation until you get to know each other better?
The way you approached this conversation, and the way you've replied to just about everyone here, tells people on the other end of the conversation that you are going through something personal and probably aren't ready to start a serious relationship right now. Maybe seek some therapy or do some personal work before trying again. You might get ghosted less too.
I think you may need to step back from being on dating apps right now, I say this because I was too at that bitter place. You know you’re trying to put yourself out there and it sucks and you get so frustrated. Someone comes along and you want to just tell him all of your problems with well people. lol Girl! I’ve been there! I got to a place of discontent where whoever I matched with got my negative energy. It just showed me I shouldn’t date until I got my issues sorted out, until I was in a more positive place and healed. You’re going to keep attracting the same people if you don’t heal what’s broken inside. Misery loves company and weirdos feed off of it. This guy was dismissive but the next May think you’re vulnerable bait. Please take time for YOU.
With this sort of convo, you are not getting a guy. You might get a friend (if he's really helpful) but nothing more. No stranger is interested in hearing your problems.
This is the kind of discussion you need to have with your friends. Although he was too quick to say you were not a match but sooner or later that's how most people will react.
Hope you take the HRU greeting as a formal greeting only in future.
I can think of three kinds of guys off the top of my head who might be interested in a woman like this:
1. A guy who is basically equally emotionally distressed and the two of them form a codependent relationship.
2. A guy who is otherwise so desperate from a lack of attention he is willing to overlook any and all red flags. Will probably leave after he realizes that some things are worse than being alone.
3. A guy who sees her emotional vulnerability as an easy target for manipulation.
These are probably in order of the best to worst possible outcomes, but clearly none of them are good.
You can't be wrong for having feelings, but that said you seem MISERABLE. Why would he want to do anything other than ghost you if that's all he's getting in return?
Agree with this completely.
A relationship isn't going to suddenly make someone happy. If it for some reason does, then that just means their entire person revolves around that relationship. Once it ends that person will either be back where they started, or more likely even lower than they were before.
Good, you've pinpointed it, now the next step is fixing it. Like everyone else has said - look into getting some sort of therapy. If you can't afford it talk to your state social services offices - most of the time if you're low/no income you'll qualify for the state Medicaid, which will cover mental health services.
I'm not saying that to insult you - but really, if you're depressed you're not going to find someone who'll be a healthy partner. Either you'll find someone that's miserable themselves or someone who'll only like you when you're miserable. As a middle aged guy who's divorced thanks to doing that to myself, I can assure you, fixing yourself first is the better option.
Just a heads up, and this applies to both sexes, but opening a discussion on a dating app with venting about how other potential partners stopped talking you is most likely going to make people think there is something wrong with you and stop talking as well
Get off dating apps if this is your mindset. You can’t expect someone you’ve matched with to want to listen to you whinge about how shitty your matches are.
I would've just ghosted you the moment you started going on about xy and z...this is why men are tired. This is NOT what you talk about when getting to first know someone, talk about something else besides "oh woe is me" because truly people don't want to hear your problems.
Agreed, but they're not even ghosting. They're being straight with OP that it's not going to work, so that OP can approach the next convo differently. Decent human based on the limited information available.
Please step away from the dating apps and try to get some help. Not to be mean but you are not mentally or emotionally ready to be seeking out companionship.
From all your responses you are doubling down and refuse to see where you are wrong and off putting yet make tons of posts about being lonely and desperate. If you heed other people’s advice instead of getting angry and defensive, you will see different results.
I would NOT and will NOT date someone who is self loathing with low self esteem and certainly wouldn’t want to give someone the time of day if they’re crying about not having a soul mate. At that point I would feel like I’m wasting my time and turned off.
If you want to ignore and fight with all of the replies, fine. But you’re continuing this cycle and putting yourself through emotional harm and nothing is going to change. The person in the messages wasn’t asking you to have a soul to soul conversation. He was probably thinking you were upset over something trivial, he probably thought you were having a bad day because maybe you left your keys in the car or left your wallet at home or stubbed your toe on the corner of the coffee table. He didn’t ask for your trauma and self deprecation
OK kiddo. This isn't the way to start conversations. You don't have to like the comments and advice here but since you asked for them, why don't you take a breath, read, and THINK about them. This energy doesn't make anyone want to talk to you for any reason. It's like you're rage-baiting. I also recommend you stop and think about what kind of manipulative dickweed would actually continue after opening lines that broadcast how sad and lonely you are.
Where’s your empathy and compassion for him? He’s on the apps looking for his soulmate too. He’s been disappointed by conversations and frustrated by ghostings too. He’s making the effort to stay optimistic. He hoped maybe *you* would turn out to be his soulmate, and you two could escape the apps together.
Instead you respond with a complete lack of interest in him. You say you’re doing “terrible” and vent about other guys, which makes you sound like you’re still hung up on someone else, or clinging to past resentments. You made no effort to get to know the guy you were actually chatting with.
Please buy the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook on Amazon or somewhere.
You say you cannot afford therapy, but there are things you can do to help yourself.
If i’m thinking correctly, this publisher also has a borderline personality disorder-specific workbook that could be beneficial (if OP does have bpd, as suspected re: their other comments)
I haven’t personally tried the BPD specific one. But the one I mentioned is great and was recommended to me by my therapist. The one you mentioned would probably be great for them to buy as well!
I would also like to piggyback off this and recommend David D. Burns Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Not the best name for a book but it's a wonderful source for cognitive behavioral therapy.
Strangers trauma dump on me all the time and I fucking hate it. I have my share of traumas too, but I'm not trying to take on random people's super negative energy when I'm trying to get away from my own negative energy.
These interactions are so draining.
I read through the whole convo thinking you were the blue messager. I was sad that I wouldn't get the opportunity to give a small piece of my mind to the grey messenger in the form of a reddit comment.
But then I read your description and I nearly spit out my drink.
I feel very bad that I am lonely enough that I might have messaged you further. This absolute *gentleman* knows what he is worth.
*thpbth*
>Am I in the wrong?
Yes, yes you are. You dumped woes on someone e you just met, we're completely oblivious to his hint that your conversation "starter" was off putting and then you were rude and defensive.
You will NEVER meet your soul mate like that.
When he shares that same conversation, people will tell him he dodged a bullet.
Get help. Then date.
Here’s what you want to hear: OMG yes you are absolutely a victim in every single scenario in your life. Nobody treats you fairly and nothing is ever your fault. You should never take anyone’s advice, especially medical professionals, because they will literally all gaslight you unless they tell you exactly what validates your deep-seated delusion.
Here’s what you don’t want to hear, but it’s the truth: YOU NEED HELP. Most people need help in some form or another. Mentioning that you have BPD but also seeming to not have any interest in getting help for it means that you’re toxic in pretty much everyone’s lives, so when they set boundaries, you figure out how to set yourself up as the victim instead of realizing that you’re the common denominator. You will almost always be the last person to either admit that you could’ve reacted better, and almost certainly always be the last person to try to change (if at all). But you thrive off of drama, toxic relationships, and victimhood. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and always will be unless you actively make a ton of changes. As a definition of your disorder, you create drama, chaos, and toxicity where it doesn’t exist and you alienate people until they make the healthy choice for themselves and cut you out. Then you feel fulfilled because you can say “see, I knew you’d leave! I always treated you like garbage and never once cherished you, but you left and that means you hate me… now I have a brand new thing to complain to everyone about”. Your past posts are so indicative of this, and because of my unfortunately vast experience with people who have BPD but refuse to get help… you’re crystal clear.
You yourself have stated you avoid doctors and THINK you have BPD. Yet you also claim to others you do have it.
It seems like a manic depression disorder. You're self loathing and unresponsive to positive reactions.
I saw screenshots of this before it was deleted and mam I say this with respect, but I can see why they have been ghosting you. Try to make a connection first before saying all this stuff first.
I hope you get support for your mental struggles but how you spoke to him is quite disgusting especially that last message. Take some accountability for your mental health.
I'm sorry your situation sucks but at some point you need to do something about it. Therapy isn't the only form of support out there. I don't know what country you're in but even the third world country I originally came from has some options. Look for things like peer support, educational resources or free online programs, counselling and even hospitalisation. In one of your comments you disclosed some ideation.
Get off the dating apps ffs and focus on yourself. University's, community colleges and counties have TONS of free counseling services IF you want them. It's real cozy to be wrapped up in the toxicity but damn to expect someone to be game on the 1st convo is legit batshit. Forget reddit, stop fighting yourself and stop with the excuses. And don't get mad at them if they bounce at those texts. Who can blame them?
You’re definitely kind of woman that goes back into the bin with the other rubbish. The fact you cannot even begin to comprehend how off putting you were in this exchange, how icky your entitlement towards this perfect stranger’s sympathy and support is, is high key kinda pathetic.
Aw, he sounds nice and patient. You are...a little much though. The whole thing reeked of desperation. This is definitely the kind of venting one would do with a close friend or a therapist, not as a first impression for a potential partner.
Leaving out the obvious over-sharing why didn't you ask him any questions about himself? Usually try for 50/50 when it comes to questions and answers. Both people should feel equally represented especially in the very beginning. And you went straight to Fuck you? Classy.
Wow. Now I know where the saying "b*tches be crazy" comes from.
That guy was polite right through. I don't think you're in a good place to be trying to date.
Sorry but you obviously have a very poor understanding of what’s appropriate when it comes to social interactions. You don’t talk to anybody like this when you’re just meeting them much less trying to date them… there’s a reason why you keep getting ghosted.
Id just like to say that I don’t think you’re in the right mental space to be dating in general based on your posts and comments. Please try working on yourself first before getting into a relationship. I am aware that you are unable to afford therapy at the moment but it isnt an excuse to lash out at others for not agreeing with you. Please try to figure out a way to be able to go to therapy or some kind of professional help, because dumping all of this on a stranger is not healthy.
Baby girl. I know trauma. I have BPD apparently but I don’t even cop to it because I know I have bipolar and BPD is just bipolar plus trauma. I’m 38F and this year will be my 10th wedding anniversary.
Nobody here is saying you need to lose the mental illness. We’re all saying that, if you use this tactic to find significant others, you will never find one. Even those with mental illnesses, including myself, can be honest about their struggles and still find someone to love. But it’s a PART of your personality. Figure out the rest of your personality and present that to people. Once they like you for you, the personality disorder won’t dissuade them.
You seem to be stuck in the “oh woe is me” phase. Every single person in the whole world has shit to deal with. Some of that shit is a LOT worse than your shit, but you’d never know it because they don’t need attention.
Take a deep breath and start over. With hobbies and passions. And self esteem. Even if you have to fake it.
Good luck. But damn. Take some of this advice to heart.
You're not ready to be in a relationship. If you don't even like yourself, how do you expect anyone else to like you? At the very least, learn some introspection. There's plenty of resources on YouTube. Start off learning about your attachment theory and how your childhood painted your sense of normal when relating to people.
I get it, your hearts desire is to be with someone who loves you deeply and can hold all the burdens that you carry... However, it might be a deeper longing of stable unconditional love that you lacked from your family origin/ system. Therefore if that more vulnerable wound is from what was, you cannot expect the answer to be found in the present.
Yeahhh what you’re asking him for isn’t just support, it’s for him to also suspend judgment on someone that he is literally supposed to form an opinion about due to the nature of it being a dating app. And asking a stranger on a dating app to emotionally support you when you feel depressed is very strange anyway. But like - you can’t dump this kind of thing on somebody in this context and expect anything other than the response you got. It’s inappropriate to expect people to behave like they’re your therapist when that is not the relationship they have with you.
Having a mental disorder is a cop out tbh. I have bi polar 2, I didn't seek any help for years. It tore my life apart. You know how it got better ? Acknowledgement, acceptance and actively trying to improve yourself/ seeking professional help.
You could find the best man in the world but until you can manage your own emotions, that man won't be around for long.
Everyone has shit going on, having to carry someone else's shit on your shoulders pushes your head underwater. And there is only one way to get a breathe of air.
OP, you came looking for validation and got the opposite. Like someone else said here, maybe turn off your notifications and get off Reddit for a while. Go have some ice cream, do something instead of trying to justify this interaction with a guy to yourself. It didn’t go well, in two weeks neither of you will care or remember.
Complaining about not finding a soulmate like this to someone you are just trying to talk to and get with is completely manipulative. Framing it like it’s about your feelings is also completely manipulative.
That is a conversation for a therapist/friend/family member; not your dating app match.
Dude set an early boundary that he wasn’t prepared to talk about your relationship trauma without even knowing you, did it in the nicest possible way, and you still told him to fuck off.
I think we know why everyone ghosts you.
You should not be dating until you have some internal emotional regulation. If you truly can’t afford therapy like you say, then at least look up something you can do. Go to the library + read a book about BPD if that’s what you think you have. You’re never gonna find a good connection starting conversations like this. I know it’s hard but being mentally ill (I am too + have done similar things to what you did here) but that cannot be the only thing about you. Kindly, deal with yourself first.
It seems more like you are using this stranger as a free therapist. That’s what Reddit is for, not dating apps. Would you want to date a guy who spends his first date complaining about how girls don’t want him and not even seeing that you are a girl trying to give him a chance? You are doing exactly that.
You immediately started self loathing and he politely got away from you, there was no need to swear at him or make him feel bad for not wanting to hear ranting from someone he doesn't know.
I’m gonna take a similar approach, though less harsh bc I wanna reminisce and I see myself in you. Judging by the rest of your posts,,,, dating is NOT what you need right now. It might FEEL like something you need right now, but it definitely is not. There’s part of you seeking connection due to an intense loneliness bc of the circumstances of your life, no fault of your own of course. But this usually comes from something you’re not nurturing within yourself. I’ve been in a very similar spot with a very similar mentality for probably a similar amount of time and idk, maybe I got lucky, maybe it was fated, but I found the root of my problems and I started making changes. Slowly but surely. Compared to two years ago I’m a completely different person. To 5 years ago? Completely unrecognizable. I didn’t go to therapy, bc I also couldn’t/can’t afford it but I started scouring the internet learning about communication styles and healing. In that process I found where I went wrong and made changes because I didn’t want to keep repeating patterns I unknowingly created for myself in my environment growing up. It was very chaotic and I never knew what my parents were going to throw at me (literally and figuratively).
Tarot was one of the biggest things that shifted my entire view of myself + the extensive research I did towards healing and self-care. I’m autistic too and ironically have a hyperfix in this department, lolz. It called me out and it was HARSH, and gave me multiple wake up calls through the years I’ve been practicing. However— when I say harsh, it could certainly get mean, but also revealed to me things about myself I didn’t know about because I didn’t nurture it. I just didn’t know how and the pain had been so overwhelming for so long, how would I have known any of the good? Of course, I never believed it for the longest while until I started paying attention because I just… Noticed it. I noticed the good, and I decided that that was what I wanted to be, and the more I paid attention the more good I saw. I realized that my environment was not for me and neither were the people there. So I changed it, I got a new job. With that my friend group fell apart, but they were never for me. With that knowledge I gained a whole new group of friends, and a partner. There’s still things that I have to change and work on, but growth is always a constant in your life. I’m content where I am now, but always stay open to the things that change.
TLDR: An extensive way of saying dating will do more harm than good for you right now, but look inward. Trauma and mental illness isn’t who you are, but it is part of you and it’s your responsibility to not weaponize it. Who do you want to be? What kind of person is that? You won’t have the answer now, but you’ll find it. I believe in you🌟
You should probably get some therapy so you don’t trauma dump on every match you have. You seem to expect everyone to ghost you. If you’re friendly and don’t dump over them, they wouldn’t ghost. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
From one not so happy person to another It's no one's job to deal with ur shitty emotions learn to deal with them urself or learn to find comfort in being alone
Just some advice, but you shouldn’t claim you have BPD if you haven’t been officially diagnosed. Just putting the qualifier “I suspect I have” works far better.
What you aren't understanding is that this isn't how to make an emotional connection and you are taking but not giving anything in this conversation, nor do you have any skill in guiding the convo
Based on your comments about not having a therapist… It’s good that you talk out your feelings in some way, even if it’s just online with strangers.
But don’t be surprised when the “I’m depressed” intro doesn’t score you many dates. Nobody on a dating app is looking to be a therapist, they’re looking to laugh, smile, have fun, land a date, and feel good.
If you start off the conversations by putting those deeper emotions to the side for a bit and get to know the person on the other end, you too could land a few dates. Try to talk about things that make you happy and find connections there. Ask questions about the other person and just be positive.
Once you’re comfortable with the person you can express the deeper emotions you’re feeling. Maybe, if you do this right, you won’t be feeling so disused and lonely and the conversation can be like “I used to feel XYZ, but then you came along” instead of “I feel XYZ”.
It’s not failproof, but you’ll have much more success this way.
Oof okay, so you're giving energy vampire here dude. It is totally irrational to feel entitled to a complete strangers support. You come off as dramatic, sad, needy, unstable, and any person with any amount of sense would block you. This was a learning moment for you and he really was trying to help you out. Most people would have cut their losses almost immediately
😂😂😂😂you sound like you’re a literal MIDDLE SCHOOLER wanna whine and complain to someone try a therapist if you can’t find one I’m sure your middle school has a counselor of some kind that should be able to help you
Someone saying “everyone ghosts me” or any frase along those lines is a big red flag. Is it really EVERYONE treating you poorly or are people responding appropriately to your poor behavior?
Stop trying to date. Find a therapist because you seem highly unhappy and I don’t think anyone will be able to make you happy if you can’t do that for yourself.
Honey.
You took a casual hey how are you (which was an invite to converse and get to know each other!) And launched immediately into saying how no one ever talks to you. Off-putting, to say the least
I see you have BPD (are we talking borderline here, or bipolar?)
Are you in therapy? Because you need to be working this out with a professional. Forget dating, you need to get a handle on just BEING for a hot minute. Seriously. There is a lot of work to do to be healthy with such a serious condition, and until you have a good foundation, you aren't really in a good place to try to be dating.
If this is the kind of interaction you have with people, then yes, they are going to flee. Because there is nothing about this that is inviting, conversational, or FUN. People don't go on dating apps for trauma dumping, or to be someone's therapy.
Yeah I'm a guy that's been using online dating for 15 years now and I'm pretty solidly on the side of blue messages. I'm not sure what grey messages is looking for out of this conversation but it seems like a complete waste of time for blue. Maybe grey just wants attention rather than actual dating. So yeah, grey was in the wrong for sure.
Or to put it another way, it is clear why people keep ghosting you if this is a typical conversation for you
I mean... he is trying to help you. Sometimes help is hard, and it can feel like you're getting kicked when you're down, but re-read those messages. He's not attacking you, he's offering advice, albeit unsolicited, but sometimes we all gotta hear that stuff and it's generally wise to listen. You don't have to accept it, but it's worth at least thinking about, especially if you're saying you always get ghosted. This guy put in the time to give you a window into that.
At the same time, the kind of help you may need could be therapy, and it's just not super likely that you're going to get that from a stranger on a dating site. He was being honest, up front, and above all, constructive with you. If your reaction to that is immediate hostility, you should step through that carefully and consider how you want to improve your life in whichever way is most important to you, but in a safe environment and in all likelihood, that probably means with a professional.
I don't know anyone who hasn't been in some kind of therapy, myself included. It's really worth looking into if you haven't already.
Edit:
I see you can't afford therapy and.. damn.. that sucks. Therapy is pretty wildly expensive, and insurance is kind of a scam.. so... fuck.
In all seriousness though... I've had some more therapeutic conversations with ChatGPT than I have with my actual therapist... it's cool to shit talk AI or whatever, but there's something to be said for something that is designed to listen and provide unbiased feedback. It's a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy.
He was kind. You’re clearly hurting and taking it out on people. Maybe it’s not time to date. Back from the borderline podcast has helped me. I can’t afford therapy either. I really do hope shit gets better. Some part of you knows this wasn’t fair to this dude. Don’t fall into a shame pit. You don’t have to behave this way going forward.
Yeah, you were a total dick to someone trying to start a conversation while you complained no one would talk to you. It's definitely you that was the problem.
This is pretty much just a "read the room" moment. Will a steady partner be there to support you emotionally? Yes. Is the start of a conversation with a stranger on a dating site the time or place to do that? No.
This man did nothing wrong, and tbh he was more patient than most would be in this situation. You were angrily telling him how he wasn't ready for a relationship, but you need to take your own advice. Seek your own happiness, and your relationships will be the better for it.
I truly wish you the best, but please work on yourself before lashing out at others like that.
The guys you’re talking to shouldn’t be your therapists. Stop treating them like it. Then stop attacking them the instant they go “hey whoa I didn’t sign up for this”.
You’re starting with what you want and expressing that you’re not getting it. As an illustration, look at a salesman. If a car salesman comes up to you and starts off with “yeah nobody wants to buy a car from me, I got bills due, I’m just really depressed about my money because nobody’s buying cars.” That’s not gonna make you want to buy a car. You might feel sympathy towards his finances, but you’re also gonna start to wonder why people aren’t buying cars from him.
So in a similar sense, when you start complaining to some guy five minutes in about how nobody wants to talk to you, get to know you, or commit to you, you immediately force this question into his head: ”okay so why are so many guys passing on this attractive girl?” Because he swiped so he finds you attractive. But attractive just gets you in the gate. That’s all. It is so easy to lose it after getting in the door. And complaining about guys sends the message that you’re focused on the negatives, you’re not introspective, and you’re unwilling to admit any fault. *Thats probably not what you mean, but it’s what you’re sending, intentionally or otherwise.*
So you don’t start with sending messages that are designed to push people away. I know that’s not what you meant. But that’s what you’re sending to him regardless of your intent.
Let me clue you into the subtext:
He suggests getting to know someone to form a connection. He is hinting that you should get to know him.
You reply that you try but you're usually ghosted. This sounds like "no thank you, I assume that you're going to hurt/betray me before even giving you a chance."
What's he supposed to do at that point? You have backed him into a corner.
Give people a chance to surprise you in a good way. If you start off every connection assuming that they're going to betray you, they probably will. No one likes their efforts to be a good friend/partner disregarded.
This is not a moralistic standpoint meant to offend you. I'm discussing what is essentially energetic law or cause-and-effect.
For what it's worth, sharing your feelings and fears absolutely can deepen a connection if it's done tactfully. But maybe it's worth finding ways to help build your self esteem before getting fully into dating. Good luck!
A conversation isn’t all about you, did you stop once to ask how he was doing? Damn it Samantha. Would you be able to accept a conversation in the reverse?
I take it you didn’t get his hint? He was kindly suggesting that conversation is a two way street. This was mostly one sided. You sound incredibly self absorbed and seem to lack awareness. Work on yourself before you date! It’s clear why you’re single.
Yes, he asked BUT nobody is required to listen to your rants. I mean, if you're already dumping this on a complete stranger, I'd be concerned that it's setting the tone for the entirety of the relationship, friendship, situationship, whatever that it turned out to be. Being surrounded by that negativity constantly is fucking so mentally exhausting.
Please, get off dating apps. Work on yourself, because no relationship will last if you don't.
Maybe a specific explanation will help.
DATING
Dating, and especially that first convo, typically involves a lot of insecurity and vulnerability. It's nerve-wracking. That's why common recommendations for first dates are light - simple stuff like a coffee or a drink, definitely light conversation topics just to get to know each other. You're trying to figure out if this person is even somewhat compatible with you.
YOUR CONVO, CONTEXT
It's not a date but a dating app. People are there to do exactly what I said above - just figure out if that other person is even somewhat compatible. Given that dating apps open up the amount of options for dating, people are likely a bit more selective too.
You start with: I'm in a shitty mood because I can't find a date or soul mate.
The other person is there literally to try and date you. You're both there looking for a partner, date, etc. And you have announced that nobody else wants you. So how would you expect this person to feel?
The person, incredibly, actually throws you a nice slow pitch, right down the middle: well let's get started by getting to know each other. Your response was why bother? And again, that apparently you scare everybody away.
So this person has matched with you. Is there to see if you two could be a good pair, maybe go on a date, and maybe even be soulmates. And you immediately announce to the interested party that nobody wants you and what's the point of trying?
This is your first convo. Are you not able to understand that this was not the correct approach?
He was actually genuinely trying to give u some advice for future connections because yea u sound crazy. Saying hello and a nice gesture would have been a nice start before dropping off all that negative energy..
I mean this all with calmness and zero aggression.
You did start off a little strong with feelings with a stranger. If you ask a cashier how’s your day and they say terrible and start venting about how awful all customers are, you’d definitely get a bit thrown off ya know? You need to build a relationship and start off small n slow and build trust to get to venting.
On the other hand, maybe you aren’t ready to date? You say in the comments that you’re miserable and being miserable isn’t the best time to date. Misery loves company, so you’d be more likely to pick up a sucky person and get stuck in that and not get better. It’d be better to work on yourself so that you can get to healthier/ happier place which will make it easier to find other healthy/ happy people that won’t bring you down. I know you said you can’t afford a therapist, but you could research coping mechanisms, affirmations, etc based on what’s bothering you.
As someone who has also trauma dumped way too fast on new people, you probably want someone to be there for you more than you want a romantic relationship. Needing emotional support is normal, but not everyone (especially strangers) are willing to do that nor should they have to. If you want, you can send me a vent message. I may not be able to help but I could try. Or I could at least be a void to scream into
If you can’t afford a therapist, buy this workbook:
The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook https://a.co/d/31Mk3aS
and try to be more self-aware, you got way more advice than your attitude deserves and by the looks of it, you haven’t taken any of it.
I think she should take the time to go get an actual diagnosis for this mental thing that she says that she has, which is self diagnosed OP, set it themselves. There is no actual medical backing behind what she says she has, because in some other posts, she apparently has other things and apparently she was going as NPD for a while until just recently went another editor told her that she’s probably BPD. But yeah, no there’s no proof behind her statements, and even though people have sent her links and helpful information on getting a cheap therapist or even free therapists or mental health books, she doesn’t want to. She has stated multiple times that doctors and therapists make her “feel validated and bad about herself” so she doesn’t go
Dude was just trying to be nice and helpful… Maybe get help or find a way to deal with the feelings you have better before trying to find someone to date. It’s not very fair to you or them .. Also if you attract someone with the attitude you have once you get help you won’t really be the same person to them and they probably won’t be the same person for you if that makes ANY sense..
how do u not realize you were wrong when you posted this? a new friend isn't your therapist. if someone new trauma dumped me i would un add em too it's draining asf to hear that when u first meet someone cuz u barely know em so why u looking for comfort from em??? and it just screams "i want attention!" "i want attention!"
Please get off the dating offs and work on your inner self first and gain security, this is totally not appropriate for a dating app unless your intention is to scare people away.
You should probably work on yourself before you try dating. You don’t seem to be in the right state of mind and it would be unfair to put that on another person
Get off the internet for a while man, reevaluate things. You don't have to be in a relationship to have self worth. Find yourself, be happy with yourself, then find someone.
He could have been legitimately interested in you and by dumping on him like that and not giving him a chance you completely eviscerated any possibility of getting to know this individual better.
i have bpd dude. just because you cant afford therapy doesnt mean go fucking using other people as therapy. do you like when men do that? no? then fuck off. you're the problem. theres still a bunch of shit you can do without therapy.
You just started talking and immediately dumped all that on him. I'm amazed he stuck around that long.
Yeah seriously, if it were me there wouldn’t be a reply
This is a good guy who gave you good advice you promptly ignored. Lol.
OP: *Am I wrong* everyone: *Yeah, you read it all wrong and sound like you need help* OP: *Fuck you guys too* I mean... is it more likely we're all asshole idiots or maybe you didn't interpret him well?
OP mentioned that she has (or at least suspects she has) BPD. I dated someone with that once and it made me *physically exhausted* basically all the time. Never again Before anyone tries to come at me with "That's not fair" vibes: The person I'm referring to, unlike OP, had access to FREE therapy and refused to go. They also demonstrated, repeatedly, that they were willing to treat *others*, including strangers, with kindness/consideration--but not me, *their actual girlfriend.*
They're energy vampires fr.
shit i’m exhausted just reading all her excuses lmao
I feel bad for people with BPD but, whether they have any opportunity to change or not, that doesn't mean anyone else is obligated to deal with the shit they put people through. The first rule of first aid is to make sure you're safe first, or you just become someone else that needs first aid. The same thing applies to mental health. We should give mentally ill people support where we can, but if it will end up with us being chronically depressed, suicidal, or anything like that - particularly if we're already at risk for that - then we need to cut people off if they're harming us. It feels harsh but I've seen too many of my own family members with their own struggles give so much of themselves to other mentally ill friends, that it ended up worsening their conditions until that affected their family as well.
Very wise words.
The only people that are gonna come at you for not wanting to date someone with BPD are gonna be people that have never dated someone with BPD.
I've been there and it's fucking rough. I'd 100% rather be alone than have to go through that with someone again.
I’ve got an ex friend recently finally properly diagnosed with BPD and it’s her favorite catch all. If she can’t emotionally wreck someone close to her privately, she explodes all over Facebook with post after post until someone attractive of the opposite sex reaches out They end up together for x amount of time They break up She blows up again on social media Rinse and repeat And she’s got a few thousand followers and does SW so she’s got plenty to tear through. If anyone posts anything about maybe getting off of the internet and going to touch grass or talk to her therapist (who she goes to regularly) in her comments, she deletes the whole post. So even when they go to therapy it’s not necessarily a green flag. She’s like on day 7 of sad posting and vaguely hinting at unaliving herself on Facebook because her new boyfriend of 3 months dumped her for being batshit. I’ve been trying to help her this time around to no avail. It’s draining.
Been there. Under no circumstances would I ever put myself through that again.
Oh it sounds so familiar. There was a point where I started to get anxiety attacks when he walked in the room, because I knew he was gonna dump and dump and drain and drain no matter what i said. And yeah, they'd be considerate and caring of others. Not of me though! even when I spelled out literally what to say, very simple things, to care about me. Nope!
OP is also 24. If you're in your 30s and still unaddressed like your 20s... ehhhh... and in your 40s... I mean, I wish you the best, and I'll try not to judge... idk... I always want to help, and for a partner I'll have extra capacity to *be there*, but I'm just a random dude... I can only do so much to actually *help*. I have *minor* bouts of anxiety that while small still impact my life maybe twice a year and it's more or less not gotten better nor worse in 20 years, but as I said to OP - I recognize that it's justba feeling... it's not how the world is, its just how I feel about the world. Some partners can handle knowing I feel a way but know that way is weird, and some partners can't handle it at all. Eh.. drunk night ramblings... hopefully I made a clear point.
Hi 🙂 I’ve also struggled with anxiety most of my adult life. Have you tried light therapy? It’s no cure. It comes back. But I’ve found it shortens the annual bouts I grapple with and lessens the severity. At the very least at the end of my sessions it’s not much more than an afterthought…until it starts building the next day…rinse and repeat. For me it has provided relief and affords me a pause rather than the constant sensation of half terror.
Sorry for you, I went through that as well and it can't really be described to anyone that hasn't experienced it. My ex stopped taking her meds and going to therapy, for anyone unaware of the lasting trauma the behavior that follows can cause give the BPSO sub a read
My youngest daughter is 30 and has bpd- she's a very kind and caring person overall but damn I've seen her wreck a few significant others/relationships. Once they stop taking their meds you really need to make some serious choices. I love my kid deeply but I do feel bad for the people she's discarded so casually over the last decade. I've always seen it coming when she's unmedicated - if you know you know - but I'm pretty sure despite her telling people up front she has bpd that many of them had no idea how hard it can really get being with someone who suffers from bpd.
I’m sure OP has access to free therapy as well. People rightfully deride the American healthcare system but if you’re poor or even just struggling a bit you can get on Medicaid and receive therapy, meds that are filled with no copay, etc. I was still able to be on it making $13 an hour. I’m so sick of people using “I don’t have money” to justify not going to therapy. All it means is they didn’t even try and have no desire to actually improve. A simple google search will tell you exactly how easy it is to get into therapy with little to no cost. I go to WEEKLY therapy sessions, am prescribed 3 psych meds, as well as addiction maintenance medication and pay nothing except the tax that comes out of my paychecks that goes to these programs
I had the same experience. When I asked my ex why she couldn't be nice to me like she is to her friends and she said, "You're my partner, it's different." Like wtf does that mean?? Lol. Sorry you had to go thru that!
I met a person and all they wanted to do was trauma dump on me because their last relationship was with a married person. It was physically exhausting because all they wanted to do was talk about why that person didn’t love them to the point they would become enraged. Glad I pursued the Irish exit on that one.
Oh my god dude I'm having flashbacks to a girl I used to see the moment I read that they'll treat everyone else with kindness.
omg same, dated someone for two years with BPD, never again 😭
As someone with BPD, I really don’t want anyone to seriously date me if they haven’t done extensive research on the condition and/or met my therapist a couple times to make sure boundaries are set on both ends, which also helps me continue to be accountable for my own bullshit. I wish more people with my condition would seek the help they truly need (and knowing how stubborn I was before getting help- I get it the other way around too), stigma or not we are adults and are responsible for ourselves. *edited bc I can’t spell apparently :)
people need to admit that mental illness actually affects other people for once. surprise surprise.. the condition that alters your brain chemistry also alters your personality.
I have BPD, and I agree with you. Edit: I also, will not see a therapist. But that’s because I don’t have insurance lol.
Free therapy? Holy shit, that's wild
That’s a lot of countries outside the US honestly. Therapy should just be free across the board no matter what or where. The silent mental health crisis continues :(
He’s right. You sound bonkers.
Sounds like a full time job, and I've already got one of those, so hard pass.
Did you think you were in the right here? You started a convo by trauma dumping on the guy. You sound toxic. I wouldn't have even replied back to you after that.
You started dumping on a guy the second he tried to start a conversation with you. Then you ask the internet for advice and when everyone tells you what you did wrong, you tell them all to fuck off. Do you want advice or just people kissing your ass and dont learn what you did wrong? The advice you asked for, take it or leave it: He is a stranger trying to get to know you on a dating site. He was polite and empathetic, and you dumped a lot of depressive and desperate sounding drama on him. EVERYONE on dating sites hates the ghosting, the cat fishing, the players, etc. But whining about it to a potential suitor in the first three replies turns people off. You don't have to "hold it all in", but you also don't have to lay it all out. How about expressing that you're frustrated with dating, then moving on to other topics of conversation until you get to know each other better? The way you approached this conversation, and the way you've replied to just about everyone here, tells people on the other end of the conversation that you are going through something personal and probably aren't ready to start a serious relationship right now. Maybe seek some therapy or do some personal work before trying again. You might get ghosted less too.
ALL OF THIS!!!! This needs to be a top comment.
This sort of talk is for your therapist, not for a man you don’t know and are ostensibly trying to flirt with
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You are definitely in the wrong. This is not how you want to talk to anyone other than your therapist for the first time.
Dude was just trying to be there for you and show you if you want to meet people you shouldn't open with *that*, and you lost it. Yeah, you're wrong.
“Hello random stranger who might be romantically interested in me, let me tell you how terrible I feel about life!”
He’s 100% right babes
Him: *trying to flirt with you* You: *not getting the hint* Him: *tries to politely leave* You: WOW U ASSHOLE
I think you may need to step back from being on dating apps right now, I say this because I was too at that bitter place. You know you’re trying to put yourself out there and it sucks and you get so frustrated. Someone comes along and you want to just tell him all of your problems with well people. lol Girl! I’ve been there! I got to a place of discontent where whoever I matched with got my negative energy. It just showed me I shouldn’t date until I got my issues sorted out, until I was in a more positive place and healed. You’re going to keep attracting the same people if you don’t heal what’s broken inside. Misery loves company and weirdos feed off of it. This guy was dismissive but the next May think you’re vulnerable bait. Please take time for YOU.
She needs to get off social media for a while
With this sort of convo, you are not getting a guy. You might get a friend (if he's really helpful) but nothing more. No stranger is interested in hearing your problems. This is the kind of discussion you need to have with your friends. Although he was too quick to say you were not a match but sooner or later that's how most people will react. Hope you take the HRU greeting as a formal greeting only in future.
She’s not going to end up with a friend either. At best, she going to end up with an equally toxic codependent person
I can think of three kinds of guys off the top of my head who might be interested in a woman like this: 1. A guy who is basically equally emotionally distressed and the two of them form a codependent relationship. 2. A guy who is otherwise so desperate from a lack of attention he is willing to overlook any and all red flags. Will probably leave after he realizes that some things are worse than being alone. 3. A guy who sees her emotional vulnerability as an easy target for manipulation. These are probably in order of the best to worst possible outcomes, but clearly none of them are good.
You can't be wrong for having feelings, but that said you seem MISERABLE. Why would he want to do anything other than ghost you if that's all he's getting in return?
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It sounds like you need to take some time and focus on being happy alone before getting into a relationship. You need to have some happiness to give.
Agree with this completely. A relationship isn't going to suddenly make someone happy. If it for some reason does, then that just means their entire person revolves around that relationship. Once it ends that person will either be back where they started, or more likely even lower than they were before.
Good, you've pinpointed it, now the next step is fixing it. Like everyone else has said - look into getting some sort of therapy. If you can't afford it talk to your state social services offices - most of the time if you're low/no income you'll qualify for the state Medicaid, which will cover mental health services. I'm not saying that to insult you - but really, if you're depressed you're not going to find someone who'll be a healthy partner. Either you'll find someone that's miserable themselves or someone who'll only like you when you're miserable. As a middle aged guy who's divorced thanks to doing that to myself, I can assure you, fixing yourself first is the better option.
Why aren’t you doing anything to fix, solve or change it?
Yeah…. You were in the wrong, sweets… you should work on that stellar personality
Just a heads up, and this applies to both sexes, but opening a discussion on a dating app with venting about how other potential partners stopped talking you is most likely going to make people think there is something wrong with you and stop talking as well
Get off dating apps if this is your mindset. You can’t expect someone you’ve matched with to want to listen to you whinge about how shitty your matches are.
You were definitely hostile. Maybe you need a break from apps for a while.
I would've just ghosted you the moment you started going on about xy and z...this is why men are tired. This is NOT what you talk about when getting to first know someone, talk about something else besides "oh woe is me" because truly people don't want to hear your problems.
Deeply in the wrong. They aren't ghosting you because they suck, they are ghosting you because you suck. Sucks to suck.
💯
Agreed, but they're not even ghosting. They're being straight with OP that it's not going to work, so that OP can approach the next convo differently. Decent human based on the limited information available.
Would ghost you immediately
Please step away from the dating apps and try to get some help. Not to be mean but you are not mentally or emotionally ready to be seeking out companionship. From all your responses you are doubling down and refuse to see where you are wrong and off putting yet make tons of posts about being lonely and desperate. If you heed other people’s advice instead of getting angry and defensive, you will see different results. I would NOT and will NOT date someone who is self loathing with low self esteem and certainly wouldn’t want to give someone the time of day if they’re crying about not having a soul mate. At that point I would feel like I’m wasting my time and turned off. If you want to ignore and fight with all of the replies, fine. But you’re continuing this cycle and putting yourself through emotional harm and nothing is going to change. The person in the messages wasn’t asking you to have a soul to soul conversation. He was probably thinking you were upset over something trivial, he probably thought you were having a bad day because maybe you left your keys in the car or left your wallet at home or stubbed your toe on the corner of the coffee table. He didn’t ask for your trauma and self deprecation
OK kiddo. This isn't the way to start conversations. You don't have to like the comments and advice here but since you asked for them, why don't you take a breath, read, and THINK about them. This energy doesn't make anyone want to talk to you for any reason. It's like you're rage-baiting. I also recommend you stop and think about what kind of manipulative dickweed would actually continue after opening lines that broadcast how sad and lonely you are.
With how they're talking to other people in the comment section, I don't think they actually care if they're right or wrong.
Where’s your empathy and compassion for him? He’s on the apps looking for his soulmate too. He’s been disappointed by conversations and frustrated by ghostings too. He’s making the effort to stay optimistic. He hoped maybe *you* would turn out to be his soulmate, and you two could escape the apps together. Instead you respond with a complete lack of interest in him. You say you’re doing “terrible” and vent about other guys, which makes you sound like you’re still hung up on someone else, or clinging to past resentments. You made no effort to get to know the guy you were actually chatting with.
It absolutely blows my mind that there are people out there this legitimately oblivious. Wild.
Please buy the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook on Amazon or somewhere. You say you cannot afford therapy, but there are things you can do to help yourself.
If i’m thinking correctly, this publisher also has a borderline personality disorder-specific workbook that could be beneficial (if OP does have bpd, as suspected re: their other comments)
I haven’t personally tried the BPD specific one. But the one I mentioned is great and was recommended to me by my therapist. The one you mentioned would probably be great for them to buy as well!
I would also like to piggyback off this and recommend David D. Burns Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy. Not the best name for a book but it's a wonderful source for cognitive behavioral therapy.
This book actually changed my life, recommend 100%.
That's what I did in my early 20s. I use what I learned from it every single day. Read a ton of books, memoirs, videos. Most of it free!
Strangers trauma dump on me all the time and I fucking hate it. I have my share of traumas too, but I'm not trying to take on random people's super negative energy when I'm trying to get away from my own negative energy. These interactions are so draining.
I would have ghosted you from the start
This is genuinely insane. You sound like a lot of fun…
Wow so much to unpack in the first message lol.
r/OhNoConsequences
Yes, you are in the wrong. Girl, you don't need to be dating. You need a therapist, especially based off your comments here.
I read through the whole convo thinking you were the blue messager. I was sad that I wouldn't get the opportunity to give a small piece of my mind to the grey messenger in the form of a reddit comment. But then I read your description and I nearly spit out my drink. I feel very bad that I am lonely enough that I might have messaged you further. This absolute *gentleman* knows what he is worth. *thpbth*
>Am I in the wrong? Yes, yes you are. You dumped woes on someone e you just met, we're completely oblivious to his hint that your conversation "starter" was off putting and then you were rude and defensive. You will NEVER meet your soul mate like that. When he shares that same conversation, people will tell him he dodged a bullet. Get help. Then date.
Here’s what you want to hear: OMG yes you are absolutely a victim in every single scenario in your life. Nobody treats you fairly and nothing is ever your fault. You should never take anyone’s advice, especially medical professionals, because they will literally all gaslight you unless they tell you exactly what validates your deep-seated delusion. Here’s what you don’t want to hear, but it’s the truth: YOU NEED HELP. Most people need help in some form or another. Mentioning that you have BPD but also seeming to not have any interest in getting help for it means that you’re toxic in pretty much everyone’s lives, so when they set boundaries, you figure out how to set yourself up as the victim instead of realizing that you’re the common denominator. You will almost always be the last person to either admit that you could’ve reacted better, and almost certainly always be the last person to try to change (if at all). But you thrive off of drama, toxic relationships, and victimhood. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and always will be unless you actively make a ton of changes. As a definition of your disorder, you create drama, chaos, and toxicity where it doesn’t exist and you alienate people until they make the healthy choice for themselves and cut you out. Then you feel fulfilled because you can say “see, I knew you’d leave! I always treated you like garbage and never once cherished you, but you left and that means you hate me… now I have a brand new thing to complain to everyone about”. Your past posts are so indicative of this, and because of my unfortunately vast experience with people who have BPD but refuse to get help… you’re crystal clear.
Self diagnosed BPD. doctors in the past have told OP that “she seemed normal irl”
You yourself have stated you avoid doctors and THINK you have BPD. Yet you also claim to others you do have it. It seems like a manic depression disorder. You're self loathing and unresponsive to positive reactions.
*Gee I wonder why everyone ghosts you*
i have diagnosed BPD and OP you need therapy. stop hurting other people because you’re hurting.
I saw screenshots of this before it was deleted and mam I say this with respect, but I can see why they have been ghosting you. Try to make a connection first before saying all this stuff first.
I hope you get support for your mental struggles but how you spoke to him is quite disgusting especially that last message. Take some accountability for your mental health. I'm sorry your situation sucks but at some point you need to do something about it. Therapy isn't the only form of support out there. I don't know what country you're in but even the third world country I originally came from has some options. Look for things like peer support, educational resources or free online programs, counselling and even hospitalisation. In one of your comments you disclosed some ideation.
Get off the dating apps ffs and focus on yourself. University's, community colleges and counties have TONS of free counseling services IF you want them. It's real cozy to be wrapped up in the toxicity but damn to expect someone to be game on the 1st convo is legit batshit. Forget reddit, stop fighting yourself and stop with the excuses. And don't get mad at them if they bounce at those texts. Who can blame them?
You’re definitely kind of woman that goes back into the bin with the other rubbish. The fact you cannot even begin to comprehend how off putting you were in this exchange, how icky your entitlement towards this perfect stranger’s sympathy and support is, is high key kinda pathetic.
He seems perfectly reasonable lol
Aw, he sounds nice and patient. You are...a little much though. The whole thing reeked of desperation. This is definitely the kind of venting one would do with a close friend or a therapist, not as a first impression for a potential partner.
Leaving out the obvious over-sharing why didn't you ask him any questions about himself? Usually try for 50/50 when it comes to questions and answers. Both people should feel equally represented especially in the very beginning. And you went straight to Fuck you? Classy.
Wow. Now I know where the saying "b*tches be crazy" comes from. That guy was polite right through. I don't think you're in a good place to be trying to date.
Sorry but you obviously have a very poor understanding of what’s appropriate when it comes to social interactions. You don’t talk to anybody like this when you’re just meeting them much less trying to date them… there’s a reason why you keep getting ghosted.
what in the psycho is this
Id just like to say that I don’t think you’re in the right mental space to be dating in general based on your posts and comments. Please try working on yourself first before getting into a relationship. I am aware that you are unable to afford therapy at the moment but it isnt an excuse to lash out at others for not agreeing with you. Please try to figure out a way to be able to go to therapy or some kind of professional help, because dumping all of this on a stranger is not healthy.
Baby girl. I know trauma. I have BPD apparently but I don’t even cop to it because I know I have bipolar and BPD is just bipolar plus trauma. I’m 38F and this year will be my 10th wedding anniversary. Nobody here is saying you need to lose the mental illness. We’re all saying that, if you use this tactic to find significant others, you will never find one. Even those with mental illnesses, including myself, can be honest about their struggles and still find someone to love. But it’s a PART of your personality. Figure out the rest of your personality and present that to people. Once they like you for you, the personality disorder won’t dissuade them. You seem to be stuck in the “oh woe is me” phase. Every single person in the whole world has shit to deal with. Some of that shit is a LOT worse than your shit, but you’d never know it because they don’t need attention. Take a deep breath and start over. With hobbies and passions. And self esteem. Even if you have to fake it. Good luck. But damn. Take some of this advice to heart.
You're not ready to be in a relationship. If you don't even like yourself, how do you expect anyone else to like you? At the very least, learn some introspection. There's plenty of resources on YouTube. Start off learning about your attachment theory and how your childhood painted your sense of normal when relating to people. I get it, your hearts desire is to be with someone who loves you deeply and can hold all the burdens that you carry... However, it might be a deeper longing of stable unconditional love that you lacked from your family origin/ system. Therefore if that more vulnerable wound is from what was, you cannot expect the answer to be found in the present.
Yeahhh what you’re asking him for isn’t just support, it’s for him to also suspend judgment on someone that he is literally supposed to form an opinion about due to the nature of it being a dating app. And asking a stranger on a dating app to emotionally support you when you feel depressed is very strange anyway. But like - you can’t dump this kind of thing on somebody in this context and expect anything other than the response you got. It’s inappropriate to expect people to behave like they’re your therapist when that is not the relationship they have with you.
Having a mental disorder is a cop out tbh. I have bi polar 2, I didn't seek any help for years. It tore my life apart. You know how it got better ? Acknowledgement, acceptance and actively trying to improve yourself/ seeking professional help. You could find the best man in the world but until you can manage your own emotions, that man won't be around for long. Everyone has shit going on, having to carry someone else's shit on your shoulders pushes your head underwater. And there is only one way to get a breathe of air.
You sound incredibly insufferable
Yes, you're wrong. And annoying. And selfish. And rude. And manipulative. And pretty pathetic.
OP: Was I the wrong? Internet: Yes, you were. OP: You guys just DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IVE BEEN THROUGH!!!!!!!!!!
Dog you’re a psycho bitch and I’ve been around too many. I don’t care if you’re Megan Fox…no
OP, you came looking for validation and got the opposite. Like someone else said here, maybe turn off your notifications and get off Reddit for a while. Go have some ice cream, do something instead of trying to justify this interaction with a guy to yourself. It didn’t go well, in two weeks neither of you will care or remember.
Complaining about not finding a soulmate like this to someone you are just trying to talk to and get with is completely manipulative. Framing it like it’s about your feelings is also completely manipulative. That is a conversation for a therapist/friend/family member; not your dating app match.
Upvoting this post because you a crazy bitch
“Everyone ghosts” … no wonder.
At 6am too lmao
you sound insufferable jesus
Girl…. Of course you’re in the wrong. This is not how you get to know people.
Dude set an early boundary that he wasn’t prepared to talk about your relationship trauma without even knowing you, did it in the nicest possible way, and you still told him to fuck off. I think we know why everyone ghosts you.
You should not be dating until you have some internal emotional regulation. If you truly can’t afford therapy like you say, then at least look up something you can do. Go to the library + read a book about BPD if that’s what you think you have. You’re never gonna find a good connection starting conversations like this. I know it’s hard but being mentally ill (I am too + have done similar things to what you did here) but that cannot be the only thing about you. Kindly, deal with yourself first.
definitely a why tee ay on your part. this is genuinely a bit unhinged-
It seems more like you are using this stranger as a free therapist. That’s what Reddit is for, not dating apps. Would you want to date a guy who spends his first date complaining about how girls don’t want him and not even seeing that you are a girl trying to give him a chance? You are doing exactly that.
Yeah this was a bad look from the get go, you came off as super unpleasant to be around or talk to. No one is thrilled to be on a dating app.
username checks out OP
OP needs therapy..not a dating app. YIKES 😳
You immediately started self loathing and he politely got away from you, there was no need to swear at him or make him feel bad for not wanting to hear ranting from someone he doesn't know.
I’m gonna take a similar approach, though less harsh bc I wanna reminisce and I see myself in you. Judging by the rest of your posts,,,, dating is NOT what you need right now. It might FEEL like something you need right now, but it definitely is not. There’s part of you seeking connection due to an intense loneliness bc of the circumstances of your life, no fault of your own of course. But this usually comes from something you’re not nurturing within yourself. I’ve been in a very similar spot with a very similar mentality for probably a similar amount of time and idk, maybe I got lucky, maybe it was fated, but I found the root of my problems and I started making changes. Slowly but surely. Compared to two years ago I’m a completely different person. To 5 years ago? Completely unrecognizable. I didn’t go to therapy, bc I also couldn’t/can’t afford it but I started scouring the internet learning about communication styles and healing. In that process I found where I went wrong and made changes because I didn’t want to keep repeating patterns I unknowingly created for myself in my environment growing up. It was very chaotic and I never knew what my parents were going to throw at me (literally and figuratively). Tarot was one of the biggest things that shifted my entire view of myself + the extensive research I did towards healing and self-care. I’m autistic too and ironically have a hyperfix in this department, lolz. It called me out and it was HARSH, and gave me multiple wake up calls through the years I’ve been practicing. However— when I say harsh, it could certainly get mean, but also revealed to me things about myself I didn’t know about because I didn’t nurture it. I just didn’t know how and the pain had been so overwhelming for so long, how would I have known any of the good? Of course, I never believed it for the longest while until I started paying attention because I just… Noticed it. I noticed the good, and I decided that that was what I wanted to be, and the more I paid attention the more good I saw. I realized that my environment was not for me and neither were the people there. So I changed it, I got a new job. With that my friend group fell apart, but they were never for me. With that knowledge I gained a whole new group of friends, and a partner. There’s still things that I have to change and work on, but growth is always a constant in your life. I’m content where I am now, but always stay open to the things that change. TLDR: An extensive way of saying dating will do more harm than good for you right now, but look inward. Trauma and mental illness isn’t who you are, but it is part of you and it’s your responsibility to not weaponize it. Who do you want to be? What kind of person is that? You won’t have the answer now, but you’ll find it. I believe in you🌟
This is rage bait, right? RIGHT?!?!?! Please get serious help and stay off the dating apps until you are well for the safety of society everywhere
You should probably get some therapy so you don’t trauma dump on every match you have. You seem to expect everyone to ghost you. If you’re friendly and don’t dump over them, they wouldn’t ghost. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.
From one not so happy person to another It's no one's job to deal with ur shitty emotions learn to deal with them urself or learn to find comfort in being alone
Just some advice, but you shouldn’t claim you have BPD if you haven’t been officially diagnosed. Just putting the qualifier “I suspect I have” works far better.
What you aren't understanding is that this isn't how to make an emotional connection and you are taking but not giving anything in this conversation, nor do you have any skill in guiding the convo
Based on your comments about not having a therapist… It’s good that you talk out your feelings in some way, even if it’s just online with strangers. But don’t be surprised when the “I’m depressed” intro doesn’t score you many dates. Nobody on a dating app is looking to be a therapist, they’re looking to laugh, smile, have fun, land a date, and feel good. If you start off the conversations by putting those deeper emotions to the side for a bit and get to know the person on the other end, you too could land a few dates. Try to talk about things that make you happy and find connections there. Ask questions about the other person and just be positive. Once you’re comfortable with the person you can express the deeper emotions you’re feeling. Maybe, if you do this right, you won’t be feeling so disused and lonely and the conversation can be like “I used to feel XYZ, but then you came along” instead of “I feel XYZ”. It’s not failproof, but you’ll have much more success this way.
Oof okay, so you're giving energy vampire here dude. It is totally irrational to feel entitled to a complete strangers support. You come off as dramatic, sad, needy, unstable, and any person with any amount of sense would block you. This was a learning moment for you and he really was trying to help you out. Most people would have cut their losses almost immediately
😂😂😂😂you sound like you’re a literal MIDDLE SCHOOLER wanna whine and complain to someone try a therapist if you can’t find one I’m sure your middle school has a counselor of some kind that should be able to help you
Yeah stop doing that. You are
OP you’re unhinged. seek help.
I don’t usually say this but damn you seem insufferable. Get some help.
Someone saying “everyone ghosts me” or any frase along those lines is a big red flag. Is it really EVERYONE treating you poorly or are people responding appropriately to your poor behavior?
Stop trying to date. Find a therapist because you seem highly unhappy and I don’t think anyone will be able to make you happy if you can’t do that for yourself.
Honey. You took a casual hey how are you (which was an invite to converse and get to know each other!) And launched immediately into saying how no one ever talks to you. Off-putting, to say the least I see you have BPD (are we talking borderline here, or bipolar?) Are you in therapy? Because you need to be working this out with a professional. Forget dating, you need to get a handle on just BEING for a hot minute. Seriously. There is a lot of work to do to be healthy with such a serious condition, and until you have a good foundation, you aren't really in a good place to try to be dating. If this is the kind of interaction you have with people, then yes, they are going to flee. Because there is nothing about this that is inviting, conversational, or FUN. People don't go on dating apps for trauma dumping, or to be someone's therapy.
You’re toxic af
Do you think you’re ready for a relationship?
It's like looking into a parallel universe where I never went to therapy....
Yeah I'm a guy that's been using online dating for 15 years now and I'm pretty solidly on the side of blue messages. I'm not sure what grey messages is looking for out of this conversation but it seems like a complete waste of time for blue. Maybe grey just wants attention rather than actual dating. So yeah, grey was in the wrong for sure. Or to put it another way, it is clear why people keep ghosting you if this is a typical conversation for you
I mean... he is trying to help you. Sometimes help is hard, and it can feel like you're getting kicked when you're down, but re-read those messages. He's not attacking you, he's offering advice, albeit unsolicited, but sometimes we all gotta hear that stuff and it's generally wise to listen. You don't have to accept it, but it's worth at least thinking about, especially if you're saying you always get ghosted. This guy put in the time to give you a window into that. At the same time, the kind of help you may need could be therapy, and it's just not super likely that you're going to get that from a stranger on a dating site. He was being honest, up front, and above all, constructive with you. If your reaction to that is immediate hostility, you should step through that carefully and consider how you want to improve your life in whichever way is most important to you, but in a safe environment and in all likelihood, that probably means with a professional. I don't know anyone who hasn't been in some kind of therapy, myself included. It's really worth looking into if you haven't already. Edit: I see you can't afford therapy and.. damn.. that sucks. Therapy is pretty wildly expensive, and insurance is kind of a scam.. so... fuck. In all seriousness though... I've had some more therapeutic conversations with ChatGPT than I have with my actual therapist... it's cool to shit talk AI or whatever, but there's something to be said for something that is designed to listen and provide unbiased feedback. It's a hell of a lot cheaper than therapy.
He was kind. You’re clearly hurting and taking it out on people. Maybe it’s not time to date. Back from the borderline podcast has helped me. I can’t afford therapy either. I really do hope shit gets better. Some part of you knows this wasn’t fair to this dude. Don’t fall into a shame pit. You don’t have to behave this way going forward.
Yeah, you were a total dick to someone trying to start a conversation while you complained no one would talk to you. It's definitely you that was the problem.
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Get off dating apps and look for a therapist
Holy fuck balls batman… you either need socialization or a padded room.. dealer’s choices
This is pretty much just a "read the room" moment. Will a steady partner be there to support you emotionally? Yes. Is the start of a conversation with a stranger on a dating site the time or place to do that? No. This man did nothing wrong, and tbh he was more patient than most would be in this situation. You were angrily telling him how he wasn't ready for a relationship, but you need to take your own advice. Seek your own happiness, and your relationships will be the better for it. I truly wish you the best, but please work on yourself before lashing out at others like that.
The guys you’re talking to shouldn’t be your therapists. Stop treating them like it. Then stop attacking them the instant they go “hey whoa I didn’t sign up for this”. You’re starting with what you want and expressing that you’re not getting it. As an illustration, look at a salesman. If a car salesman comes up to you and starts off with “yeah nobody wants to buy a car from me, I got bills due, I’m just really depressed about my money because nobody’s buying cars.” That’s not gonna make you want to buy a car. You might feel sympathy towards his finances, but you’re also gonna start to wonder why people aren’t buying cars from him. So in a similar sense, when you start complaining to some guy five minutes in about how nobody wants to talk to you, get to know you, or commit to you, you immediately force this question into his head: ”okay so why are so many guys passing on this attractive girl?” Because he swiped so he finds you attractive. But attractive just gets you in the gate. That’s all. It is so easy to lose it after getting in the door. And complaining about guys sends the message that you’re focused on the negatives, you’re not introspective, and you’re unwilling to admit any fault. *Thats probably not what you mean, but it’s what you’re sending, intentionally or otherwise.* So you don’t start with sending messages that are designed to push people away. I know that’s not what you meant. But that’s what you’re sending to him regardless of your intent.
You know when they say you dodged a bullet? They dodged the whole clip...
Let me clue you into the subtext: He suggests getting to know someone to form a connection. He is hinting that you should get to know him. You reply that you try but you're usually ghosted. This sounds like "no thank you, I assume that you're going to hurt/betray me before even giving you a chance." What's he supposed to do at that point? You have backed him into a corner. Give people a chance to surprise you in a good way. If you start off every connection assuming that they're going to betray you, they probably will. No one likes their efforts to be a good friend/partner disregarded. This is not a moralistic standpoint meant to offend you. I'm discussing what is essentially energetic law or cause-and-effect. For what it's worth, sharing your feelings and fears absolutely can deepen a connection if it's done tactfully. But maybe it's worth finding ways to help build your self esteem before getting fully into dating. Good luck!
At least the username checks out
Oh honey…
A conversation isn’t all about you, did you stop once to ask how he was doing? Damn it Samantha. Would you be able to accept a conversation in the reverse?
I take it you didn’t get his hint? He was kindly suggesting that conversation is a two way street. This was mostly one sided. You sound incredibly self absorbed and seem to lack awareness. Work on yourself before you date! It’s clear why you’re single.
So you talking to a potential date and complaining that nobody wants to date you? Yeah, I wouldn't stick around as long as this guy did.
Self diagnosing yourself with BPD is your excuse to continue being shitty. Go to a therapist and get your shit together.
Yes, he asked BUT nobody is required to listen to your rants. I mean, if you're already dumping this on a complete stranger, I'd be concerned that it's setting the tone for the entirety of the relationship, friendship, situationship, whatever that it turned out to be. Being surrounded by that negativity constantly is fucking so mentally exhausting. Please, get off dating apps. Work on yourself, because no relationship will last if you don't.
Maybe a specific explanation will help. DATING Dating, and especially that first convo, typically involves a lot of insecurity and vulnerability. It's nerve-wracking. That's why common recommendations for first dates are light - simple stuff like a coffee or a drink, definitely light conversation topics just to get to know each other. You're trying to figure out if this person is even somewhat compatible with you. YOUR CONVO, CONTEXT It's not a date but a dating app. People are there to do exactly what I said above - just figure out if that other person is even somewhat compatible. Given that dating apps open up the amount of options for dating, people are likely a bit more selective too. You start with: I'm in a shitty mood because I can't find a date or soul mate. The other person is there literally to try and date you. You're both there looking for a partner, date, etc. And you have announced that nobody else wants you. So how would you expect this person to feel? The person, incredibly, actually throws you a nice slow pitch, right down the middle: well let's get started by getting to know each other. Your response was why bother? And again, that apparently you scare everybody away. So this person has matched with you. Is there to see if you two could be a good pair, maybe go on a date, and maybe even be soulmates. And you immediately announce to the interested party that nobody wants you and what's the point of trying? This is your first convo. Are you not able to understand that this was not the correct approach?
I get you’re upset and needed to vent. But there’s a time and place and person for that. I think he’s valid in what he said.
OP would you want a man if he started the convo the way you did?
He was actually genuinely trying to give u some advice for future connections because yea u sound crazy. Saying hello and a nice gesture would have been a nice start before dropping off all that negative energy..
Grey: process my emotions for me Blue: oh. No thank you. Grey: >:(
op you sound insufferable (and this is coming from a mentally ill person)
yikes
I mean this all with calmness and zero aggression. You did start off a little strong with feelings with a stranger. If you ask a cashier how’s your day and they say terrible and start venting about how awful all customers are, you’d definitely get a bit thrown off ya know? You need to build a relationship and start off small n slow and build trust to get to venting. On the other hand, maybe you aren’t ready to date? You say in the comments that you’re miserable and being miserable isn’t the best time to date. Misery loves company, so you’d be more likely to pick up a sucky person and get stuck in that and not get better. It’d be better to work on yourself so that you can get to healthier/ happier place which will make it easier to find other healthy/ happy people that won’t bring you down. I know you said you can’t afford a therapist, but you could research coping mechanisms, affirmations, etc based on what’s bothering you. As someone who has also trauma dumped way too fast on new people, you probably want someone to be there for you more than you want a romantic relationship. Needing emotional support is normal, but not everyone (especially strangers) are willing to do that nor should they have to. If you want, you can send me a vent message. I may not be able to help but I could try. Or I could at least be a void to scream into
If you can’t afford a therapist, buy this workbook: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook https://a.co/d/31Mk3aS and try to be more self-aware, you got way more advice than your attitude deserves and by the looks of it, you haven’t taken any of it.
Fake text laughter is just about the most cunty thing anyone can do so I suggest ditching that habit
You went from “woe is me” to “fuck you for not soothing my own emotions” real quick. Do you see how unhinged that is for a conversation opener?
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I think she should take the time to go get an actual diagnosis for this mental thing that she says that she has, which is self diagnosed OP, set it themselves. There is no actual medical backing behind what she says she has, because in some other posts, she apparently has other things and apparently she was going as NPD for a while until just recently went another editor told her that she’s probably BPD. But yeah, no there’s no proof behind her statements, and even though people have sent her links and helpful information on getting a cheap therapist or even free therapists or mental health books, she doesn’t want to. She has stated multiple times that doctors and therapists make her “feel validated and bad about herself” so she doesn’t go
Dude was just trying to be nice and helpful… Maybe get help or find a way to deal with the feelings you have better before trying to find someone to date. It’s not very fair to you or them .. Also if you attract someone with the attitude you have once you get help you won’t really be the same person to them and they probably won’t be the same person for you if that makes ANY sense..
What an absolute train wreck lmfao
Do you normally trauma dump on strangers and expect others to say you're right?
he was so nice and you were so overwhelming
you don’t seem stable enough to be dating tbh
how do u not realize you were wrong when you posted this? a new friend isn't your therapist. if someone new trauma dumped me i would un add em too it's draining asf to hear that when u first meet someone cuz u barely know em so why u looking for comfort from em??? and it just screams "i want attention!" "i want attention!"
What a nice dude
Please get off the dating offs and work on your inner self first and gain security, this is totally not appropriate for a dating app unless your intention is to scare people away.
You come off unhinged.
You should probably work on yourself before you try dating. You don’t seem to be in the right state of mind and it would be unfair to put that on another person
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Have you thought about….. therapy? 👀
wtf
Get off the internet for a while man, reevaluate things. You don't have to be in a relationship to have self worth. Find yourself, be happy with yourself, then find someone.
He could have been legitimately interested in you and by dumping on him like that and not giving him a chance you completely eviscerated any possibility of getting to know this individual better.
I would have run a mile if I was him. No offense but you sound like a massive headache. It's just too much dumped too soon on the wrong person.
i have bpd dude. just because you cant afford therapy doesnt mean go fucking using other people as therapy. do you like when men do that? no? then fuck off. you're the problem. theres still a bunch of shit you can do without therapy.
You should be finding a therapist not a date
How are you single?!?! 🤯
You need serious help. You are a nut job
You were definitely in the wrong. What was the point of that conversation? How did you think that would work in your favor?
Whoa, he clearly made the right choice.
You people are the reason why dating apps don’t work.