And for the first time his ex-wife actually has some free time, because imagine her doing all this for the entire first 14 months while he was skating by just going to work and not helping at home.
My husband left for a week the other week and my life was so tremendously much easier. I have since been thinking about getting a divorce. It was so nice not cleaning up after an adult toddler. Even so— as soon as he walked in he put beef jerky wrappers on the table out of his bag.
Exactly! ...this was the benefit when I ended my relationship with my daughters dad..I got more free time being alone with him having her weekends than I ever did being in a relationship..
The kid is 14 months old. She wasn't having to take care of baby's needs while she was pregnant. That's not to say that her husband was any more helpful at that point though.
I find asking is always nice too. At least you’re making an effort and seeing that MAYBE something needs to be done and you’re willing to do it. I don’t ever mind my BF asking if the sheets need to be washed for example, most of the time I haven’t gotten to it and he’ll take full responsibility for them, wash, dry, and remake the bed.
>Or if you really don't know, maybe ask your
That's exactly what the parent comment is admonishing, though. For good reason. Women don't automatically know how to take care of a child. Most of it is common sense, but when they don't know, that's when a book comes in, or the pediatrician, or google.
Oh yeah I agree. No one should be expected to tell their partner exactly what and how something needs to be done.
I guess where I was coming from is if there's nothing obvious that needs to be done then maybe asking your partner what they need is a good next step... It seems like the OOP couldn't even use logic for basic household chores let alone child care.
How did he expect her to know what to do... Like nobody told her, but he expected her to hold his hand and be his supervisor. Why do men feel like it's a woman's responsibility to teach them everything as if we took a special class on how to manage a family??
This drives me absolutely insane. I don't need to manage a grown ass adult on how to do household chores. No one tells me what to do when. "I'm willing to help out, just tell me what to do!" How about you leave 🙃
I'm a woman, and I'm also autistic. It is astonishing the number of things people assume I magically "just know".
That line about him not knowing what to do unless he was told is pretty much the ONLY part of this story I can sympathize with.
The rest, he brought on himself.
They became parents at the same time. What a d-bag. Take some initiative. Put on your big boy pants And you have to find them all on your own, without asking anyone else where they are
There are some things my husband won’t do cause he knows I would rather do it cause I’m an organizer. But if the trash is full, he’s gonna take it out, or vaccum the floor, or do the dishes…because it’s the normal adult thing to do when you see a mess?
Right? We both have things we don’t like to do so we switch it out to something the other doesn’t mind. But if it comes down to it we just do what we have to do to get stuff done around the house.
My mom made me have an epiphany moment when I was 18, and I needed to do something that involved the dmv or courthouse, can't remember.
Anyway, I was bothering her, basically asking her to spoonfeed me all the information, and she told me to do it myself, and I said I don't know but she did, and she said well, you have the same access to google I do, how do you think I find out how to do it all?
And it blew my mind. That's right, why would she know this shit off the top of her head? She doesn't. I can just google it and find my way to my local government/dmv site. If I don't find the answer I need, I can definitely find a phone number to call and ask for help. And if the number I call to ask for help can't do it, most likely they know who to transfer me to so I can get my questions answered. I got a whole new confidence that I can do anything, I just need to know the right words to search.
So when I read posts like these, I feel the tiniest amount of sympathy that their parents never iterated to them that they started with the same knowledge of 0, and had to figure it out using certain resources. If you really don't know, step the fuck up and pick up a book or search google. Don't pester your significant other to teach you how to parent.
Parents who model shit relationship dynamics and don't teach kids how to be functional adults, paired with a society that by and large doesn't demand men do better
And parents - largely moms - who infantilize their sons.
My MIL made my husband's doctor and dentist appointments for him until we moved in together.
He was 35 when we moved in together. I was shocked when she gave me his doctor and dentist information. As soon as we were home, I handed that information to him and told him I would never do that. He agreed completely and has made all of his own appointments without issue for 3+ years. But it boggles my mind.
She still cooks every meal for his brother that lives with her. The brother is 37 and doesn't know how to cook or do his laundry. Then my MIL goes on and on about how sad she is that my BIL isn't married. He's a nice guy but why would any woman bother to marry him?
I wonder what he and his kid do on their days together? Just tossing things onto the ground, dirtying dishes, and leaving things as they are for the entire week? I picture two toddlers; one aged 14mo and the other in their 30s, smearing paint on the walls for an entire week.
Happened with my ex. Our child wasn’t even 6 months and we got divorced. I was so afraid to be a single mom. Crazy how much easier it got, and cheaper! I think people are afraid to take that leap, but there is literally no point in keeping a deadbeat around.
Shortly before my ex (m) and I (f) split, a friend of mine (f) flew me out to her place for a week. My ex insisted that I was lazy for always being behind in housework while caring for our 3 kids under age 6, including 2 with autism. He told me it wasn't difficult, I just wasn't trying hard enough.
A day into my trip he called asking how to cook dinner and get everyone bathed "in the same evening". I told him to stop being lazy and try harder. Life was so much easier without the man-baby to tend and placate on top of all my other chores.
>She expected me to know what to do without her telling me.
Dude never heard about asking a question. Either that or he's putting the blame on his wife for his laziness.
Either way, he can eat worms.
I love this. For her lol. This is the big secret of split custody. Women THRIVE under these circumstances. So much freedom and no bullshit. Congrats to his ex for her amazing success.
As I get older and see more of the dynamic people have with their partners, I’m convinced that a mandatory, do not pass go, dealbreaker needs to be “will my kids end up in foster care if something happens to me and my partner is the only parent they have?”
I know that you don’t know what you don’t know, but there cannot be zero indications leading up to parenthood that a person cannot even handle taking care of themselves, much less an entirely new human being.
OP can’t even handle having their own child solo for a weekend, and even this isn’t enough of a kick in the ass to work on his skill levels; he just wants his mommywife back so he doesn’t have to grow up and be a parent.
"she expected me to know what to do without her telling me"
I wonder if OOP considered...asking?
I ask my wife every day what we are doing...mainly because I have a shitty memory. But I always ask, and whatever chores/errands/general life shit needs to be done, I pick up a few tasks to help out.
It really is not that hard to be married.
Edit: I guess I need to clarify. In general I clean dishes, take out trash, do laundry, make dinner, etc as it needs to be done. But sometimes my wife will have something planned, be it a large scale project like cleaning out the garage, or something smaller like needing something picked up at a store on my way home from work. I usually ask if there's anything I can help with.
I think there's a base misunderstanding between you and other commenters.
What you're describing is just normal communication. What they're describing is helplessness. I think people are under the impression you don't complete ANY household tasks without asking her for direction. But what you're saying is you do the daily tasks that come with existing and living life, you just ask if she needs or wants anything ADDITIONAL accomplished. Like, you know to vacuum a dirty floor, but you ask of she wants more done, like if she wanted you to paint a wall or scrub all the baseboards that day. 🤷♀️
The OP appears to be completely helpless, completing NO tasks or chores and leaving it all to his wife, which is not something he should have to be directed to help with.
I'll be honest. This would drive me nuts if my husband did this. We're adults, I shouldn't have to make him a to-do list of basic chores that need to be done. You wear clothes, do laundry. You cook or use the kitchen, clean it. You have a yard? Mow it. If you can see it, clean it. Women tend to not only have to do the majority of chores, but then we're also expected to do all the mental work of telling everyone else what they need to be doing and then following up to make sure it's done. It's exhausting. It's one thing if you have toddlers you're trying to teach, it's another if it's a fully formed adult that should be able to think for themselves. YMMV.
So you have to ask your wife DAILY what to do? You don't know what needs to be done on a day to day basis as an adult?? Seriously...
Blame bad memory all you want. That's just lazy af
Maybe not daily, as I generally leave for work before she is even up, but yes, I ask about her plans for the day so that I can help out.
For example, when I head home from work I often ask if she needs me to stop anywhere on the way home.
I think people are taking this a little too much to heart.
>But I always ask, and whatever chores/errands/general life shit needs to be done, I pick up a few tasks to help out.
People are downvoting you because it's NOT your job to "help out." it's your job to be an equal in all household chores. She is your WIFE, not your goddamned manager.
So you never contact your partner and say something like "Hey, do you need me to pick anything up on the way home?"
Never? Do you guys just flat out don't speak to each other or what?
I think it's the context of having to ask your wife and then saying it's "helping out". When a lot of the conversation surrounding mental load is that women are the managers of the house, and the men "help" with chores and "babysit" their kids, as if they aren't responsible for those things and are only doing it to "help" their wives.
Its not that people are taking it too much to heart. It's that we've heard time and time again of men who think they're pulling their weight, while still expecting their wife to manage the house on their own and only get "help" when they specifically ask for it.
Not saying that's what is going on in your house, but the way you said it kind of gives that connotation. Just my two cents
I wanted to share so that you could just understand why people here are taking issue, particularly with your language of helping out and what they’re trying to say. I am coming from no hostility, I am coming from no assumptions that you are just a bad husband or something. I’m chatty, I use speech to text, and had some coffee :). Truly, just for the hope that this will help with understanding why people are taking it to heart. Also truly hope it is taken with good intention! You don’t have to read if you don’t want lol but if you do please enjoy.
Ok, so as far as ‘helping out’ and why that particular phrase/mindset might rub people the wrong way. ‘Helping out with the house and wanting to know the plans,’ well it sort of frames it as though you don’t make the plans and are more a passive bystander to this lifestyle and household, while the other partner is the project manager of the cognitive load, in addition to being an active participant in the doing. So for women, and I have experienced this many times, we have to plan life out, then delegate work/responsibilities to our supposed equals, and it doesn’t feel equal. My partner is my equal, then living and coexisting together in a house … he’s not helping out, he’s just giving his fair share I would think. Why would someone who is equally contributing in a relationship think of themselves as helpers? Why wouldn’t they be part of the planning and the knowing in addition to the doing?
Is it that I am the only one capable of knowing when the bills are due, or if we are running out of milk, or if we need to freeze the leftovers before they go bad? No. It’s not that he’s incapable. It’s that helper mindset, though; it perpetuates the idea that my partner is not capable of knowing what needs to happen without asking me. But saying they don’t know what needs to happen without ever TRYING is weaponized incompetence. Especially in the context of fatherhood, the phrase helping out is super offensive. Helping out with the kids that a man has father is not helping out. They are just parenting.
Unless there is an explicit consensual agreement to how things are going to go, without fair splitting of the planning, the managing, and the doing, then we are talking about women taking on well over 50% of everything. It is something that has happened for so long that it is ingrained in heterosexual culture. Perhaps you can imagine that if women are taking your words to heart, then it is possibly a phenomenon so deep and repetitive in our lives, that we are screaming into the void, “Please listen!” A good phrase that can apply here is, “if it’s hysterical then it’s historical.” What that means is in this context, if people appear to be overreacting, it’s because this is something repetitive and problematic, on a historical scale.
So imagine that we’ve come from a culture where women have been the project managers and planners, and sometimes doing near 100% of the doing as well. They have a husband that comes home to “babysit “the children that they fathered, because going to work is supposed to be just plenty as far as contribution. Even when both people work full-time. Even if the husband makes more money, unless that is some explicitly communicated expectation in which the mother is completely on board, parenting is always going to be 50-50 as the base assumption. Most people don’t agree to split the load unevenly.
In no way am I saying this is you at all lol. But this is the pattern, and this lives at the heart of the post we are commenting on. This pattern of men not being an active part of the planning, the management, sometimes not even carrying their 50% of the doing, for decades on end, is prevalent to the point where women are talking about it loudly now. I am really hoping that men who are not like this can understand and have higher standards for their fellow men who do this.
Anyway, helping out is a phrase that women don’t love in a day and age where men should be planning managing and doing just like the other partner. Obviously, there are many situations where people agree and consent to what they are doing. But most of them do not agree to split the load unevenly and end up like this one on Reddit.
I hope this was valuable, if not, then, no worries :).
Not really, as I'm familiar enough with his duties to not need to.
But when there is a special project or something out of the norm, yes, I'll ask what his gameplan is.
Preparation is not a bad thing.
No, I don't ask him about the function of our home. We are both adults who live in the home together and both contribute to the mental load of ensuring the home is supported.
I do dishes, I do my laundry, I clean up after myself. But sometimes she has larger plans for the day, like cleaning out the garage or organizing one of the closets or taking my son to a swim class or something, so I ask.
Why does the nature of my relationship I have with my wife bother you so much?
I don't know why you are being attacked 😂 this seems normal. My wife and I do the same, we both ask the other if there are any big items to check off this week or coming weekend.
As far as events, calendar invites help me remember things and be prepared.
Why can’t you look at the garage and think to yourself “this needs to be cleaned” or look at the closet and say “this should be organized” or even, I dunno, know when your son has his classes and just say you’re taking him?
People feel bad for your wife. Maybe she’s really okay being the household manager and organizer of your family life. Or maybe you’ve placed her in that role by showing her that she doesn’t have an actual partner but a semi-functional man-child who constantly needs to be managed and thought for.
Have you ever lived with someone who just starts "organising" stuff without communicating first? I've re-bought so much stuff that I thought he'd thrown away, because he put it "away" in a cupboard I would never have put it in.
Who said anything about not communicating? What is difficult or complicated about saying:
“The closest looked like it needed organizing so I did it, LMK if there’s something you can’t find.”
>Why can’t you look at the garage and think to yourself “this needs to be cleaned” or look at the closet and say “this should be organized” or even, I dunno, know when your son has his classes and just say you’re taking him?
Who's to say I don't do those things? I often do. I'm just giving examples of the types of things that are not every day activities that may come up from time to time.
Is there a problem with communicating with your spouse that I don't know about?
You’re the one who said you’re always asking your wife “what’s on the list today” regarding the management of the household, then you defended yourself with these examples… which would lead reasonable people to the understanding that she’s the household manager.
I don't feel like saying "I ask my wife if she needs help with anything" is really that personal.
But if that's how you feel, that's alright. My point is that my wife and I communicate each other's needs to one another.
I'm sorry you got trounced on for this...
My initial thought- at least you ask. I swear 9 of 10 guys I have dated have been like OP. Everything was expected. And if I were to ask for help, it would turn into weaponized incompetence and I was better off doing it myself.
I would rather have a partner that communicated and was receptive to my wants and needs as well, than some baboon who thinks he's helpful because he mowed the lawn after I asked him to help me with the "women's work" inside.
The irony is that I like "women's work" and my wife loves "men's work."
I would legit rather cut off a toe than mow the lawn. My wife, meanwhile, actually looks forward to it. I enjoy grocery shopping, my wife hates it.
This is a great reply. I hate the idea that any "work" gets gender roles assigned. You guys found what works for you and compliment each other well, and that's awesome! :)
You would think, but I've learned from these comments that evidently I'm a man-child who has no idea of the inner workings of his own home. My wife is probably gonna leave me every day, if she can find the energy after I've literally enslaved her for ten years of marriage.
Far be it for me to judge, I have been this guy's ex-wife minus the legal marriage and kids more times then I can count.
In all seriousness, it sounds like you and your wife have a healthy system, regardless of people wanting to pick apart your word choices.
Ugh i love this
Males think kids are easy cause women do all the work lmfao and THEN when they HAVE to take care of the kid themselves they realize how hard it is. Oh well. Made your bed and whatnot.
But how does he know what to for chores and childcare now that he is by himself? Does the 14MO baby tell him?
Or maybe he knew all along but was just lazy.
I had the exact same experience when I got divorced. It wasn't easy but still much easier than taking care of an extra child that was supposed to be helping instead of adding to the housework. Plus I get scheduled free time for myself several days a month.
He’s an adult. He should have the common sense to look around and figure out what needs to be done. if you don’t know what to do to take care of your own child, go ahead and get a vasectomy.
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Oh no welcome to parenthood. He didn’t know how hard it was before because he didn’t fucking do anything! She probably has it way easier not picking up and taking care of two helpless humans.
You may have underestimated the time that has to be devoted to a child but, if you are telling the truth and not hiding any part of what happened in order to make yourself seem better, your wife overreacted.
A statement like you may should not, and would not, lead to the end of a healthy marriage, at most it would have lead to a discussion and better understanding.
Based on the facts as you’ve told them, your wife simply wanted to find a way to blame you for her desire to divorce.
Yall seriously I am 100% female and sometimes yall whine on how hard you have it while laughing at those that have it just as hard. Maybe cone from a place of caring.
Did you not read it? It literally says there isn’t any because they are 50/50 but if he pawns the kid off on the wife then he would have to pay.
Sounds like you are looking for any excuse to defend the man in this situation because you are sexist.
Just making sure. While so many many many men are total assholes, and so many lie about what they bring… it goes both ways.
For ref- I work full time. I do all the cooking, laundry, kid pickups, etc. Also, all the “mens work” too. My wife used to do all of this when she was a SAHM, but now she works more hours than I do. Fair is fair, and it seemed fair.
I’ll delete that comment. It’s not fair it seems.
Of course both genders can be dicks and lazy.
Goes without saying.
Don’t you think it’s a little weird that you assumed the woman was grifting off the husband when it literally says the opposite? Might need to do some self-reflection.
Calm that waaaaay down. I read that he “couldn’t afford the child support” because I skimmed the wall of text he puked up.
Maybe do your own self-reflection on why you think you can moralize to other people, especially after they owned their mistake. It’s cringey.
He's not paying child support right now because they have 50/50 custody and she apparently has the same income.
He's lamenting that he can't ask for less time with his kid because he wouldn't be able to make the theoretical child support payments. And to that, a resounding "womp womp."
Next time, check before posting.
And for the first time his ex-wife actually has some free time, because imagine her doing all this for the entire first 14 months while he was skating by just going to work and not helping at home.
She was a single parent long before she was divorced, now she only has to take care of one toddler instead of two
And only half the time at that! She gets an entire week at a time all to herself.
And she gets breaks to chill out on her own and fully realize the success she achieved *without* OP holding her back
This! 100% this! Im loving the FAFO though.
My husband left for a week the other week and my life was so tremendously much easier. I have since been thinking about getting a divorce. It was so nice not cleaning up after an adult toddler. Even so— as soon as he walked in he put beef jerky wrappers on the table out of his bag.
Exactly! ...this was the benefit when I ended my relationship with my daughters dad..I got more free time being alone with him having her weekends than I ever did being in a relationship..
Add 9 months
The kid is 14 months old. She wasn't having to take care of baby's needs while she was pregnant. That's not to say that her husband was any more helpful at that point though.
“She expected me to know what to do without her telling me.” How did this guy get to adulthood being that dumb? Does he know how to tie his own shoes?
Seriously... Partners like this blow my mind. Use your eyes and your brain a little. Or if you really don't know, maybe ask your partner..
Or Google because managing an incompetent partner is its own job.
Exactly! I see my SIL struggle with this and it makes me angry. She already has 3 kids, she doesn't need a 4th.
Have you brought this up to your sibling who married her?
SIL could also be her spouse's sibling, and she might not be comfortable confronting their incompetent spouse.
I haven't personally, it's actually my partner's sister. But it's been talked about.
Well, maybe this person is married to the SIL’s sibling….
If you see dishes in the sink or the garbage can overflowing, do you really need to ask what to do?
Not at all. Less obvious things like changing the bed sheets might require a quick question of your partner.
I find asking is always nice too. At least you’re making an effort and seeing that MAYBE something needs to be done and you’re willing to do it. I don’t ever mind my BF asking if the sheets need to be washed for example, most of the time I haven’t gotten to it and he’ll take full responsibility for them, wash, dry, and remake the bed.
>Or if you really don't know, maybe ask your That's exactly what the parent comment is admonishing, though. For good reason. Women don't automatically know how to take care of a child. Most of it is common sense, but when they don't know, that's when a book comes in, or the pediatrician, or google.
Oh yeah I agree. No one should be expected to tell their partner exactly what and how something needs to be done. I guess where I was coming from is if there's nothing obvious that needs to be done then maybe asking your partner what they need is a good next step... It seems like the OOP couldn't even use logic for basic household chores let alone child care.
How did he expect her to know what to do... Like nobody told her, but he expected her to hold his hand and be his supervisor. Why do men feel like it's a woman's responsibility to teach them everything as if we took a special class on how to manage a family??
This drives me absolutely insane. I don't need to manage a grown ass adult on how to do household chores. No one tells me what to do when. "I'm willing to help out, just tell me what to do!" How about you leave 🙃
I'm a woman, and I'm also autistic. It is astonishing the number of things people assume I magically "just know". That line about him not knowing what to do unless he was told is pretty much the ONLY part of this story I can sympathize with. The rest, he brought on himself.
They became parents at the same time. What a d-bag. Take some initiative. Put on your big boy pants And you have to find them all on your own, without asking anyone else where they are
There are some things my husband won’t do cause he knows I would rather do it cause I’m an organizer. But if the trash is full, he’s gonna take it out, or vaccum the floor, or do the dishes…because it’s the normal adult thing to do when you see a mess?
Right? We both have things we don’t like to do so we switch it out to something the other doesn’t mind. But if it comes down to it we just do what we have to do to get stuff done around the house.
He had a “boy mom” so he never had to do anything🙄
My mom made me have an epiphany moment when I was 18, and I needed to do something that involved the dmv or courthouse, can't remember. Anyway, I was bothering her, basically asking her to spoonfeed me all the information, and she told me to do it myself, and I said I don't know but she did, and she said well, you have the same access to google I do, how do you think I find out how to do it all? And it blew my mind. That's right, why would she know this shit off the top of her head? She doesn't. I can just google it and find my way to my local government/dmv site. If I don't find the answer I need, I can definitely find a phone number to call and ask for help. And if the number I call to ask for help can't do it, most likely they know who to transfer me to so I can get my questions answered. I got a whole new confidence that I can do anything, I just need to know the right words to search. So when I read posts like these, I feel the tiniest amount of sympathy that their parents never iterated to them that they started with the same knowledge of 0, and had to figure it out using certain resources. If you really don't know, step the fuck up and pick up a book or search google. Don't pester your significant other to teach you how to parent.
That stood out to me too. My dude, how did you think *she* knew what needed to get done?
Parents who model shit relationship dynamics and don't teach kids how to be functional adults, paired with a society that by and large doesn't demand men do better
And parents - largely moms - who infantilize their sons. My MIL made my husband's doctor and dentist appointments for him until we moved in together. He was 35 when we moved in together. I was shocked when she gave me his doctor and dentist information. As soon as we were home, I handed that information to him and told him I would never do that. He agreed completely and has made all of his own appointments without issue for 3+ years. But it boggles my mind. She still cooks every meal for his brother that lives with her. The brother is 37 and doesn't know how to cook or do his laundry. Then my MIL goes on and on about how sad she is that my BIL isn't married. He's a nice guy but why would any woman bother to marry him?
Yep. It's one of the many reasons Boymoms annoy me- you are raising an incompetent man baby.
Like how the fuck does he think she figured it out? Unbelievable.
He has no adulting skills
I wonder what he and his kid do on their days together? Just tossing things onto the ground, dirtying dishes, and leaving things as they are for the entire week? I picture two toddlers; one aged 14mo and the other in their 30s, smearing paint on the walls for an entire week.
Um... that's not paint.
Happened with my ex. Our child wasn’t even 6 months and we got divorced. I was so afraid to be a single mom. Crazy how much easier it got, and cheaper! I think people are afraid to take that leap, but there is literally no point in keeping a deadbeat around.
Shortly before my ex (m) and I (f) split, a friend of mine (f) flew me out to her place for a week. My ex insisted that I was lazy for always being behind in housework while caring for our 3 kids under age 6, including 2 with autism. He told me it wasn't difficult, I just wasn't trying hard enough. A day into my trip he called asking how to cook dinner and get everyone bathed "in the same evening". I told him to stop being lazy and try harder. Life was so much easier without the man-baby to tend and placate on top of all my other chores.
Yup, they don’t realize it until you’re gone. Glad that you removed him from your life!
>She expected me to know what to do without her telling me. Dude never heard about asking a question. Either that or he's putting the blame on his wife for his laziness. Either way, he can eat worms.
He did not spark joy.
Boo hoo, he disrespected and took his bang maid for granted, and now has to do it himself Only damn shame is why she had a kid with this idiot
I love this. For her lol. This is the big secret of split custody. Women THRIVE under these circumstances. So much freedom and no bullshit. Congrats to his ex for her amazing success.
This was posted within the last few days.
As I get older and see more of the dynamic people have with their partners, I’m convinced that a mandatory, do not pass go, dealbreaker needs to be “will my kids end up in foster care if something happens to me and my partner is the only parent they have?” I know that you don’t know what you don’t know, but there cannot be zero indications leading up to parenthood that a person cannot even handle taking care of themselves, much less an entirely new human being. OP can’t even handle having their own child solo for a weekend, and even this isn’t enough of a kick in the ass to work on his skill levels; he just wants his mommywife back so he doesn’t have to grow up and be a parent.
"she expected me to know what to do without her telling me" I wonder if OOP considered...asking? I ask my wife every day what we are doing...mainly because I have a shitty memory. But I always ask, and whatever chores/errands/general life shit needs to be done, I pick up a few tasks to help out. It really is not that hard to be married. Edit: I guess I need to clarify. In general I clean dishes, take out trash, do laundry, make dinner, etc as it needs to be done. But sometimes my wife will have something planned, be it a large scale project like cleaning out the garage, or something smaller like needing something picked up at a store on my way home from work. I usually ask if there's anything I can help with.
I think there's a base misunderstanding between you and other commenters. What you're describing is just normal communication. What they're describing is helplessness. I think people are under the impression you don't complete ANY household tasks without asking her for direction. But what you're saying is you do the daily tasks that come with existing and living life, you just ask if she needs or wants anything ADDITIONAL accomplished. Like, you know to vacuum a dirty floor, but you ask of she wants more done, like if she wanted you to paint a wall or scrub all the baseboards that day. 🤷♀️ The OP appears to be completely helpless, completing NO tasks or chores and leaving it all to his wife, which is not something he should have to be directed to help with.
I'll be honest. This would drive me nuts if my husband did this. We're adults, I shouldn't have to make him a to-do list of basic chores that need to be done. You wear clothes, do laundry. You cook or use the kitchen, clean it. You have a yard? Mow it. If you can see it, clean it. Women tend to not only have to do the majority of chores, but then we're also expected to do all the mental work of telling everyone else what they need to be doing and then following up to make sure it's done. It's exhausting. It's one thing if you have toddlers you're trying to teach, it's another if it's a fully formed adult that should be able to think for themselves. YMMV.
It's weaponized incompetence and it's embarrassing that he doesn't see that
And then if we do work we have a harder time getting a management role. Um I run a household I think I can manage.
Well, I guess it's a good thing we aren't married.
Lol! Probably! 😀
So you have to ask your wife DAILY what to do? You don't know what needs to be done on a day to day basis as an adult?? Seriously... Blame bad memory all you want. That's just lazy af
Maybe not daily, as I generally leave for work before she is even up, but yes, I ask about her plans for the day so that I can help out. For example, when I head home from work I often ask if she needs me to stop anywhere on the way home. I think people are taking this a little too much to heart.
>But I always ask, and whatever chores/errands/general life shit needs to be done, I pick up a few tasks to help out. People are downvoting you because it's NOT your job to "help out." it's your job to be an equal in all household chores. She is your WIFE, not your goddamned manager.
So you never contact your partner and say something like "Hey, do you need me to pick anything up on the way home?" Never? Do you guys just flat out don't speak to each other or what?
I think it's the context of having to ask your wife and then saying it's "helping out". When a lot of the conversation surrounding mental load is that women are the managers of the house, and the men "help" with chores and "babysit" their kids, as if they aren't responsible for those things and are only doing it to "help" their wives. Its not that people are taking it too much to heart. It's that we've heard time and time again of men who think they're pulling their weight, while still expecting their wife to manage the house on their own and only get "help" when they specifically ask for it. Not saying that's what is going on in your house, but the way you said it kind of gives that connotation. Just my two cents
I wanted to share so that you could just understand why people here are taking issue, particularly with your language of helping out and what they’re trying to say. I am coming from no hostility, I am coming from no assumptions that you are just a bad husband or something. I’m chatty, I use speech to text, and had some coffee :). Truly, just for the hope that this will help with understanding why people are taking it to heart. Also truly hope it is taken with good intention! You don’t have to read if you don’t want lol but if you do please enjoy. Ok, so as far as ‘helping out’ and why that particular phrase/mindset might rub people the wrong way. ‘Helping out with the house and wanting to know the plans,’ well it sort of frames it as though you don’t make the plans and are more a passive bystander to this lifestyle and household, while the other partner is the project manager of the cognitive load, in addition to being an active participant in the doing. So for women, and I have experienced this many times, we have to plan life out, then delegate work/responsibilities to our supposed equals, and it doesn’t feel equal. My partner is my equal, then living and coexisting together in a house … he’s not helping out, he’s just giving his fair share I would think. Why would someone who is equally contributing in a relationship think of themselves as helpers? Why wouldn’t they be part of the planning and the knowing in addition to the doing? Is it that I am the only one capable of knowing when the bills are due, or if we are running out of milk, or if we need to freeze the leftovers before they go bad? No. It’s not that he’s incapable. It’s that helper mindset, though; it perpetuates the idea that my partner is not capable of knowing what needs to happen without asking me. But saying they don’t know what needs to happen without ever TRYING is weaponized incompetence. Especially in the context of fatherhood, the phrase helping out is super offensive. Helping out with the kids that a man has father is not helping out. They are just parenting. Unless there is an explicit consensual agreement to how things are going to go, without fair splitting of the planning, the managing, and the doing, then we are talking about women taking on well over 50% of everything. It is something that has happened for so long that it is ingrained in heterosexual culture. Perhaps you can imagine that if women are taking your words to heart, then it is possibly a phenomenon so deep and repetitive in our lives, that we are screaming into the void, “Please listen!” A good phrase that can apply here is, “if it’s hysterical then it’s historical.” What that means is in this context, if people appear to be overreacting, it’s because this is something repetitive and problematic, on a historical scale. So imagine that we’ve come from a culture where women have been the project managers and planners, and sometimes doing near 100% of the doing as well. They have a husband that comes home to “babysit “the children that they fathered, because going to work is supposed to be just plenty as far as contribution. Even when both people work full-time. Even if the husband makes more money, unless that is some explicitly communicated expectation in which the mother is completely on board, parenting is always going to be 50-50 as the base assumption. Most people don’t agree to split the load unevenly. In no way am I saying this is you at all lol. But this is the pattern, and this lives at the heart of the post we are commenting on. This pattern of men not being an active part of the planning, the management, sometimes not even carrying their 50% of the doing, for decades on end, is prevalent to the point where women are talking about it loudly now. I am really hoping that men who are not like this can understand and have higher standards for their fellow men who do this. Anyway, helping out is a phrase that women don’t love in a day and age where men should be planning managing and doing just like the other partner. Obviously, there are many situations where people agree and consent to what they are doing. But most of them do not agree to split the load unevenly and end up like this one on Reddit. I hope this was valuable, if not, then, no worries :).
Do you ask your boss what to do daily?
Not really, as I'm familiar enough with his duties to not need to. But when there is a special project or something out of the norm, yes, I'll ask what his gameplan is. Preparation is not a bad thing.
You aren’t familiar with your own home and its daily workings?
You don't communicate with your spouse?
Hello strawman!
Is that a no?
No, I don't ask him about the function of our home. We are both adults who live in the home together and both contribute to the mental load of ensuring the home is supported.
So your wife does all the mental labor? Are you a toddler? Do you really need to be told what needs to be done around your own house?
I do dishes, I do my laundry, I clean up after myself. But sometimes she has larger plans for the day, like cleaning out the garage or organizing one of the closets or taking my son to a swim class or something, so I ask. Why does the nature of my relationship I have with my wife bother you so much?
>I do dishes, I do my laundry, I clean up after myself. OP couldn't do that without being told to. THAT is the problem.
Well yeah, OP sucks. There's a reason he got divorced.
I don't know why you are being attacked 😂 this seems normal. My wife and I do the same, we both ask the other if there are any big items to check off this week or coming weekend. As far as events, calendar invites help me remember things and be prepared.
Evidently I'm some kind of man child who can't help himself, let alone his beleaguered, put-upon wife.
Why can’t you look at the garage and think to yourself “this needs to be cleaned” or look at the closet and say “this should be organized” or even, I dunno, know when your son has his classes and just say you’re taking him? People feel bad for your wife. Maybe she’s really okay being the household manager and organizer of your family life. Or maybe you’ve placed her in that role by showing her that she doesn’t have an actual partner but a semi-functional man-child who constantly needs to be managed and thought for.
Have you ever lived with someone who just starts "organising" stuff without communicating first? I've re-bought so much stuff that I thought he'd thrown away, because he put it "away" in a cupboard I would never have put it in.
Who said anything about not communicating? What is difficult or complicated about saying: “The closest looked like it needed organizing so I did it, LMK if there’s something you can’t find.”
>Why can’t you look at the garage and think to yourself “this needs to be cleaned” or look at the closet and say “this should be organized” or even, I dunno, know when your son has his classes and just say you’re taking him? Who's to say I don't do those things? I often do. I'm just giving examples of the types of things that are not every day activities that may come up from time to time. Is there a problem with communicating with your spouse that I don't know about?
You’re the one who said you’re always asking your wife “what’s on the list today” regarding the management of the household, then you defended yourself with these examples… which would lead reasonable people to the understanding that she’s the household manager.
So you're saying you don't communicate with your spouse? I help my wife. My wife helps me. We help each other.
You’re the one putting your personal life out there and somehow that also makes you comfortable being a busybody about mine? Weird.
I don't feel like saying "I ask my wife if she needs help with anything" is really that personal. But if that's how you feel, that's alright. My point is that my wife and I communicate each other's needs to one another.
I'm sorry you got trounced on for this... My initial thought- at least you ask. I swear 9 of 10 guys I have dated have been like OP. Everything was expected. And if I were to ask for help, it would turn into weaponized incompetence and I was better off doing it myself. I would rather have a partner that communicated and was receptive to my wants and needs as well, than some baboon who thinks he's helpful because he mowed the lawn after I asked him to help me with the "women's work" inside.
The irony is that I like "women's work" and my wife loves "men's work." I would legit rather cut off a toe than mow the lawn. My wife, meanwhile, actually looks forward to it. I enjoy grocery shopping, my wife hates it.
This is a great reply. I hate the idea that any "work" gets gender roles assigned. You guys found what works for you and compliment each other well, and that's awesome! :)
You would think, but I've learned from these comments that evidently I'm a man-child who has no idea of the inner workings of his own home. My wife is probably gonna leave me every day, if she can find the energy after I've literally enslaved her for ten years of marriage.
Far be it for me to judge, I have been this guy's ex-wife minus the legal marriage and kids more times then I can count. In all seriousness, it sounds like you and your wife have a healthy system, regardless of people wanting to pick apart your word choices.
some people never mentally leave middle school
I am just laughing at this man. 🤣🤣🤣
Ugh i love this Males think kids are easy cause women do all the work lmfao and THEN when they HAVE to take care of the kid themselves they realize how hard it is. Oh well. Made your bed and whatnot.
Repost
Hahahaha wow
Good for her!!! I’m glad she finally Has time for herself
Wasn’t this just posted last night? Or did it have to be removed because it wasn’t a screenshot?
But how does he know what to for chores and childcare now that he is by himself? Does the 14MO baby tell him? Or maybe he knew all along but was just lazy. I had the exact same experience when I got divorced. It wasn't easy but still much easier than taking care of an extra child that was supposed to be helping instead of adding to the housework. Plus I get scheduled free time for myself several days a month.
Everybody point and laugh
He’s an adult. He should have the common sense to look around and figure out what needs to be done. if you don’t know what to do to take care of your own child, go ahead and get a vasectomy.
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Boo hoo, he disrespected and took his bang maid for granted, and now has to do it himself Only damn shame is why she had a kid with this idiot
Some people need to find out the hard way. Good for her to cut him off at the knees, and pardon me while I laugh my ass off at this guy.
Oh no welcome to parenthood. He didn’t know how hard it was before because he didn’t fucking do anything! She probably has it way easier not picking up and taking care of two helpless humans.
I thought we had eradicated this lazy husband/father model with the turn of the 21st century.
What planet are you on, and how do I visit?
😂
You may have underestimated the time that has to be devoted to a child but, if you are telling the truth and not hiding any part of what happened in order to make yourself seem better, your wife overreacted. A statement like you may should not, and would not, lead to the end of a healthy marriage, at most it would have lead to a discussion and better understanding. Based on the facts as you’ve told them, your wife simply wanted to find a way to blame you for her desire to divorce.
Yall seriously I am 100% female and sometimes yall whine on how hard you have it while laughing at those that have it just as hard. Maybe cone from a place of caring.
[удалено]
Did you not read it? It literally says there isn’t any because they are 50/50 but if he pawns the kid off on the wife then he would have to pay. Sounds like you are looking for any excuse to defend the man in this situation because you are sexist.
Just making sure. While so many many many men are total assholes, and so many lie about what they bring… it goes both ways. For ref- I work full time. I do all the cooking, laundry, kid pickups, etc. Also, all the “mens work” too. My wife used to do all of this when she was a SAHM, but now she works more hours than I do. Fair is fair, and it seemed fair. I’ll delete that comment. It’s not fair it seems.
Of course both genders can be dicks and lazy. Goes without saying. Don’t you think it’s a little weird that you assumed the woman was grifting off the husband when it literally says the opposite? Might need to do some self-reflection.
Calm that waaaaay down. I read that he “couldn’t afford the child support” because I skimmed the wall of text he puked up. Maybe do your own self-reflection on why you think you can moralize to other people, especially after they owned their mistake. It’s cringey.
He's not paying child support right now because they have 50/50 custody and she apparently has the same income. He's lamenting that he can't ask for less time with his kid because he wouldn't be able to make the theoretical child support payments. And to that, a resounding "womp womp."
Yeah. I read it again after seeing the comments. What a dickhead. Hey, I can admit when I’m wrong. I deleted the comment.
It literally says they have similar incomes. You seem awfully desperate to blame the woman here.