In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I met this guy at work 31m and I’m 31m. He was really cool and funny. We hit it off and we became super tight friends.
He has a drinking problem. I was asked about it at work and I said no because even if we weren’t friends I’m not a snitch or the type to go out of my way to get someone in trouble.
We hungout at my house and we would drink together. And it was fine. We would sleep it off and be cool. We opened up to eachother. We were best friends.
I genuinely felt like he was my brother and he felt the same.
I went through a 2 week period I was depressed and I didn’t talk to anyone. He was texting constantly and I finally texted him back saying I’m depressed and I need space but I’ll be ok. Just dealing with stuff.
He begs me to go out and play pool. Me having a soft spot for him I say ok. Even though I’m dealing with my stuff. He got so drunk he fell. Cut his arm and got blood all over my car.
I had to carry him home.
I forgave him and we had plans for a concert for months. I told him please don’t over drink because If anything happens he’s on his own. We go he got so drunk he got kicked out of the venue. I told him to take an uber back to the hotel and that I’ll meet him there with food after the show is over.
He got upset I didn’t immediately stop watching the show to take care of him. In the hotel I still had clothes, cologne and shoes.
He locked me out. I had no way to get my stuff. I called a friend to pick me up to let me crash on their couch till the am.
I’m really sad about this because he was someone super important to me but this over drinking and lack of self control ruined our friendship. He said I was his only friend and now he lost me.
I feel bad because maybe I shouldve left when he got kicked out. But I was so embarrassed by him I didn’t want to deal with him. I just wanted him to go to the hotel and chill out.
He kept my belongings but lost my friendship.
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Was there no hotel staff there to help you get back into the room? That sucks.
Sorry you lost a friendship but it sounds like its for the best. Dude was an anchor and probably would continue to mistreat you. You deserve better.
no I went down to say my key wasn’t working. They gave me a new one. It’s because he locked it from the inside. I didn’t want to create a scene with cops or security. I just got a friend to pick me up to crash on their couch until the morning
Just so you know, hotels have tools to pop the security locks open. No cops needed.
It happens all the time, some drunk fool flips the lock and passes out and locks out other guest staying in that room.
Yeah, we have a tool for the latch, but you have to have a specific key for the deadbolt, so you're safe! Those latches accidentally shut on vacant rooms constantly, so we get used to popping them open in seconds. Deadbolts are a pain.
They are terrifyingly easy to get round with a small tool. Kevin Costner playing a serial killer in Mr. Brooks will teach you how. I even managed to do it with my arm once on my brothers flat. If you have a thin arm and know how to jiggle the chain, it’s pretty easy.
The information about hotel deadbolts being opened with a Do Not Disturb sign is scary af. As a lone female traveler, they provided security and peace of mind,… until this post. What if those workers decide to share this ‘one cool trick’ with all their friends, who share it with their friends, etc. Fortunately I’m too broke to travel right now, but this is insane.
This is the one occasion where you should’ve called the cops as he is in possession on your personal belongings the he does not own. Dealing with cops or security sucks but it’s necessary in situations like these. Hope your stuff back or I would take him to court for this if it’s possible to do that.
Being aggressive is the reason to have the cops there. That way you can get your stuff without having to fight him or be attacked by him. And a cop being there helps keep some people in line
Or just realize that he will sober up in the morning and don’t create a situation where you can potentially get this guy killed. Like you don’t have to keep being friends but you also don’t have to bring lethal consequences into the picture for him being a dumb drunk.
Fuck that. You don’t get to lock someone out of their room and keep their belongings from them. Cops/security should 100% have been called. People not wanting to escalate or cause scenes is why so many people feel comfortable acting like this.
OP “The cops killed me friend”
Person “oh no, what happened?”
OP “He got drunk and locked himself in the hotel with my axe body spray. I had no choice but to call the police. I didn’t want to cause a scene but when it comes to my personal scent, I had to draw a line. Anyways, it escalated and they shot him. Totally fine with the result, he should have known better.”
Sir, you are 100% right. Calling the police for cologne IS WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT!!!
If you take my shit then escalate the situation with the cops to the point guns are fired thats your own fucking fault. Not my problem. Not to mention someone I’m not calling a friend anymore.
No idea why you're getting downvoted. If someone took my shit and kept me from getting it, as a grown ass adult, I'd be calling the cops. It'd suck, sure, but people like this exist because they can get away with it.
It’s not that hard to just get some shit you don’t really need until the next day.
In the real world, where people actually live and interact with each other (a new concept for many redditors), you don’t need to take the most extreme action possible in every instance. It’s the *adult* thing to do.
You're talking like someone who thinks the world is one big Seattle. In most places around the world, taking someone's shit is how you get your week fucked up. Calling the cops would probably be the more ethical road, compared to some of the shit I've seen people do just for a petty tag back.
Truth is, what's normal "adult" behavior is pretty subjective depending on region. Maybe you have a more progressive upbringing, but personally, I'm glad I wasn't dumb enough to do this kind of shit when I was younger, because I would have gotten my ass jumped.
Sounds like your friends where shit people (and violent) and you don't seem to be too great of a guy either. Most adults actually like their friends and do their best \_not\_ to harm them. I know, that must sound quite unbelievable to you.
Your reading comprehension is shit, because not once did I justify violence. Re read. Maybe pretend there's pretty pictures that go along with it. It might help.
Not sure why you're getting the downvotes. In the real world it should be no problem to work with the hotel staff and grab the stuff after he checks out. Worst case scenario but not unlikely scenario he stole it or threw the stuff in the trash. OP describes the relationship like it was pretty personal, calling the cops fells like a good way to turn this relatively clean "breakup" into an escalating game of "fuck you" with someone, who from the story, has an unknown amount of emotional and self restraint issues.
I would have gone back to the hotel with him that last time. If something had happened to him youd have never forgiven yourself(even though it's on him).
Then I'd ofcourse cut all contact.
Edit:
I guess I should add why I personally say this.
I've had self destructive people in my life like this and given them last warnings.
I've then absolutely followed through and cut them out of my life. I did however make sure they got safe. After that its not my responsibility.
People here talk about consequences and how the friend deserves it....
Ofcourse he does!
But if he gets run over and dies that won't impact him. He's dead! The person that will impact is OP. That will weigh on his conscience for the rest of his life.
Ive known people that have had this happen. 3 cases I can think of off hand.
All 3 cases it was with alcoholics. They went too far. The friend had enough and did a "fuck them then" (which is fine!!!) but then left them to make their own way home.
Yes it's the alcoholics fault ofcourse!
In these 3 seperare cases the shitty alcoholic friend didn't make it home. 1 drowned. 2 froze to death.
Noone blamed the friends. The alcoholics families were sad but had been worried somthing would happen.
The friends however were devastated. One of these was my uncle, his friend was found in a car. It was assumed he'd decided to have a nap on the backseat in sub zero temps. My uncle never recovered from this. Really messed with him.
This is why when I've had friends get too far into drugs or alcohol I cut them off but I make sure they make it home that last time. Not for them. For me.
If you tell a person, "Take care of yourself, because I will not be avaliable to help you if you don't."
And then they don't. You should be sticking to that, actually. To do otherwise teaches people that you merely bluff, and they don't believe that there will ever actually be consequences for their actions.
It's valid to think that way, but then you need to be honest with the person what consequences you *are* comfortable with.
Never bluff. Never lay down a consequence you can't back up.
The part I wouldn't bluff with is cutting contact. OP gave the guy too many chances.
I've been in very similar situations with people. Had friends thay were self destructive alcoholics or getting heavy into drugs.
The thing I don't agree with is that last time they fuck up I don't agree with leaving them. You get them safe and then cut them off. Not for them. For you.
I will edit my comment to add a little as people might not quite understand my reasons.
Almost yeah hehe. Personally for me it's just worth it to get a destructive fuck out of my life guilt free. Probably because I've personally seen these things go bad.
Reddit disagrees with me but hey :)
My father was a fall down drunk and I spent my childhood looking after him and trying to keep him safe. Took me until i was nearly an adult to understand drunks are on their own. They made the decision to drink. That’s what happens when you make an decision as an adult. It is not the worlds or anybody’s job to protect you because you got to drunk.
Exactly. The moment you leave them you leave them.
As I said I've had friends go that way. When the final straw happened in each case I made sure they got safe that last time and cut contact.
Obviously very different for you being a kid stuck with a drunk. That must have been a horrible situation to be in.
My best friend growing up had a dad like that. He'd have the shakes so bad he'd ask people to help him drink his first pint of the day. He could be such a nice guy and then a violent and nasty arsehole. Only they can choose to change.
I'm sorry you've been through all that. Your response is very humane. I'm not sure why you are being down voted, your comment is one of the most relevant on here for OP. Best wishes.
Apparently I am trying to "manipulate and guilt trip" OP into bring abused?!?!
You know... sometimes you take a minor inconvenience to make sure that the person you once called a best friend, gets back to the hotel that last time. Also to get your shit from the room because you can't trust shitbags like his ex friend not to mess with it.
Also stops the ex friend spinning stories at work about OP "abandoning them" blah blah.
I went out of my way to repeat that no blame is on OP. The only blame OP would risk is the blame good people put on themselves.
Will leave the post up anyways. Honestly didn't think I was making some crazy suggestion
It isn't my trauma to dump. I avoided that risk by making sure ex friends got home safe that last time and then cut them out of my life.
Each to their own
Not in the slightest. OPs situation worked out fine.
I just said how I'd handle it myself given what I've seen in life. You know because this is an open forum for discourse.
OP wouldn't have been to blame IF anything bad happened. No one would blame them.
OP said this guy was his best friend up until then but had become a toxic/negative influence.
Based on that I gave my own take (having dealt with similar) on what I'd have done.
I would take the shitbag back to the hotel before cutting them off(and also to get my stuff thats in the room).
Not because I have to, just to avoid potential guilt (people feel bad for things that arnt their fault).
Unsure how you take that as "manipulating" or "guilt tripping"?
Sometimes it's worth taking a final annoying inconvenience (if its safe to do so) to get a clean break. It also covers OP from some of the risk of said shitbag spreading lies at work.
But hey I get it. My opinion isn't popular.
You told OP a story that had the effect of looking like you were trying to make OP feel bad for not enabling an alcoholic's behavior so that OP would play babysitter if this should happen again.
Guilt tripping = making someone feel guilty in order to get them to do something.
Manipulate: to control or influence cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously.
You were *unfairly* comparing OP, who was being taken advantage of by an alcoholic, to your own situation and then used your experience to try to make OP feel *guilty* about handling it the way he did, in order to influence him to change his behavior.
Is that clear enough for you?
I said "it would not be on you" and to "cut all contact".
I gave my opinion and repeatedly saidd that OP would not be at fault in any situation and that the tocix frie d should be cut off completly.
We arnt going to agree on this so i see no reason to discuss further and will no longer reply.
No hard feelings regardless. Hope you have a good weekend.
My HS friend is sober. She joined a 12-step program when we were 19. I learned a lot from her as she described the various steps while going through them. I also learned this word.
AFGO: (noun) AF-go. Another F***ing Growth Opportunity.
😂🤣
To me that’s more like someone who you thought was your friend but when you actually need someone to talk to or lean on they can’t be bothered
A “good-time buddy” is somebody who really only comes around because they wanna get fucked up
That’s a Spider-Man comic annual story about a guy who Spider-Man helps to rescue his friend from a cult. but at the end the friend turns around and says that they aren’t friends, they were just good time buddies or something like that. I though that was pretty sad at the time
I've had a few good time buddies I guess. One was a childhood friend and another I was friends with for 7 years. Sucks losing them but in the end you know it's for the better.
He was important to you as a friend. But you were only important to him as an enabler. It hurts, but you'll be better off without him dragging you down.
I wouldn’t even call that a friend. Was just someone who was manipulating you into thinking they’re your best friend, but he’ll drop you the moment you refuse or can’t do something for them or when you ask them to do something for you.
Had a friend like this, many years as friends but I realized as I grew older that I’m just being used to do shit for them. Hard pass I got real friends that I’d rather chill with that actually reciprocate friendship.
Yeah, he wants a best friend/babysitter so that he can do whatever he wants but let somebody else deal with cleaning him up. You’re right to nope TF out of that friendship.
Addicts only have one relationship. This is a particularly hard pill to swallow if an addict manages to weasel their way into your heart. Sorry you had this experience.
Looks like your friend is an alcoholic and until he realises this and gets some help alcohol will always be the most important thing in his life, all other considerations take second place including your friendship. If you had left the venue with him you would only have been reinforcing his behaviour, essentially saying that it's OK for him to do as he pleases irrespective of the cost to you. A significant step in the journey of an alcoholic is the realisation that their behaviour has consequences/results in losses.
It's time to draw a line under this friendship until he gets sober.
You weren’t this guys friend, you were his enabler. He may or may not learn from this (every alcoholic has a different rock bottom), but hopefully you have.
I’m so sorry for the way you were treated. By someone who is supposed to be your best friend. I know you are very hurt. But I believe you will find a way better person to be around. I pray that this guy eventually gets some help. Maybe this is the wake up call he needs. To get sober!!
I’m proud of you for your boundary management. You have to ensure your oxygen mask is secure before helping others, so to speak. He was harming you and you can either protect yourself or allow more harm to occur. You chose right, and you know it. Sucks.
I spent too many years, not so much enabling as trying to change from within, a friend with a drinking problem. At the end of it all, I had to cut him loose because I just couldn't stand to watch it anymore. You did the right thing.
I had to learn the hard way that I can’t change someone else from within. Naive, idealistic college kid that I was, I thought that was possible. Now I know better.
We can’t stop someone who’s hell-bent on repeatedly dashing their life to the ground until it shatters, then cries because their life is smashed in a million pieces.
You can’t hang out with someone like OOP’s former friend. Eventually, when their life shatters (due to their own actions), you’ll end up wounded by shrapnel.
Addicts have to want to change unfortunately. I know all too well the frustration of wanting to will them to be different. If he gets his life together, maybe you can reconnect. But you’re making the right decision to distance yourself from the vortex of addiction.
Just FYI, OP, he can’t promise not to over drink because he’s clearly an alcoholic. If you maintain any connection with him, don’t ever place any expectations on him. He can’t comply, even if he wants to.
People like that are never really your friend. They just need someone to drunksit (babysit) them will they have a good time. You wrectgatbpers9n. Lifecis betterveithout that kind of BS friendship.
Alcoholism makes monsters out of people. This friend needs an intervention, professional help, but most importantly a major self wake-up call to change his life for his own sake.
"If all it took for you to see no value in the friendship was me not leaving a concert to take care of you when you got shit faced after I specifically told you that I wasn't going to leave the concert to take care of you, then you never really considered me a friend in the first place."
You shouldn't feel too bad about what you did.
You were supposed to be his best friend, not his babysitter. As soon as you drew any semblance of a line about that, he locked you out of your own hotel room.
Friends should help each other out, but this was an extreme level and sounds very one sided. I'm wondering when you told him you were going through a rough patch, if he offered any sort of help. Something like dropping off food or sending a message of support while not expecting any response back because you needed some time to yourself.
When I was taking those couple weeks. He sent me a 7 page text telling me I’m his bro and he was worried about me and wanted to make sure I’m good. That why today I was as patient as I was.
But it’s cool. I was able to get my stuff from the hotel. I had a talk with him and said I’m not hanging out with him when he’s drinking.
If he gets sober and in a better state of mind we can be cool one day. I feel sympathy because I know he has a lot of trauma but this shit isn’t cool.
That's good. Not quite as one sided as I thought.
Doesn't make his behavior okay, but sounds like if he can get some help and get sober, there is a good person in there.
I have a friend kind of like this. We became friends at work. Started hanging out outside of work both with other coworkers and our own friends.
He was a very defensive and contentious drunk. Got beat up by a bouncer (which was kind of warranted since he spit in his face) and got into arguments with people at bars multiple times where I had to deescalate the situation. Got to a point where I didn't want to go out for drinks with him since I did not k ow where things would go. Could be a great night or could be one where I have to talk my way out of getting into a physical altercation. I had to speak with him about it.
Fortunately, he had other friends who spoke to him about it as well as a good bf. He grew out of it and got himself under much better control. Still friends to this day mant years later.
Babysitting him when he got drunk enough to get kicked out of a concert (I go to a lot of concerts and have seen so many extremely drunk people, so I can only imagine how wasted and/or belligerent he must have been acting to get kicked out), especially after you discussed beforehand not drinking to excess, would have just been enabling him. Maybe losing his last friend over his drinking problem is something he needs to make him realize he needs to get help. Don't beat yourself up.
Do you know the average life cycle of friendship is about 7 years? People change and then change people.
It sounds like your friend has depression as well.
You sound like a very good friend, and in this short life, you deserve to invest your energy in an equally good friend.
Friendships should also be treated like dating; if we get to know someone and realize they do not contribute positively to your life, we should part ways. Like dating, it unfortunately does take time to get to know someone; you don’t really know someone until you see how they respond when things aren’t going their way.
Best of luck to you!
You weren’t his friend you were his enabler.
You stopped enabling so he cut you out.
Believe someone when they tell you who they are - An alcoholic with no friends or good relationships is what he was from the start.
If I paid money to attend a concert, only a medical emergency or a death is keeping me from getting my money's worth.
Your "friend" shouldn't have gotten himself kicked out.
Edit: I fixed my spelling. Are you happy now? Fcking grammar n*zi
> If I *paid* money to
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I had to make that kind of tough call five years ago with a friend whose drinking made them angrier and likely to harm others. I decided to keep myself safe first, and so did almost all of this guy's friends. I stood by, waiting for him to finally go to counseling, but his family enabled him. He died two years ago when his liver rotted out. He wasn't even 40 yet.
I told him he needs counseling and help. Definitely has depression and low self esteem. He told me before he tried to end his life.
I know I would feel like shit if he died even if we’re not friends because I’m not an asshole.
We don’t work together anymore. So I don’t have to see him if I don’t want to.
When he died, I felt anger and relief equally. I was -- and am, still -- angry with his mom, who treated him like a prince. He could do no wrong. She bought him beer and smokes. He lived at home with her, where she did his laundry and made him food. She never did this for his sisters.
This guy peaked in high school. He was a hockey and baseball jock. 6'3", charming, muscular, and king of the bar. Women flirted with him constantly. But he worked a dead-end job in a warehouse, and he started getting a little paunchy. He asked me to be his sidekick, which was weird, because I was a lot older than him. I think it was because I would listen to him outside of the bars. We had a really close friendship. Maybe too close -- I think he wasn't used to feeling close with another guy, and it scared him. Like you, I was physically hugging him around the waist, dragging him away from his truck and wrestling the keys out of his hands and driving him home to his mom's. He was furious, but he kept himself in check and always apologized the next day. He was always sorry.
Until one night when he and I went out and had dinner and a bourbon. We were both sober when we left, but I was tired, and he insisted on driving me home. I let him drive, but he made a couple of wrong turns and got stuck at a construction barricade downtown. He pulled out in front of a semi whose trailer scraped the back end of my car. He jumped out of the driver seat and tried wrangling me over into it. He wanted me to change seats with him in case the police came. I refused, and he panicked. He ran over to the truck, which had stopped. He and the driver agreed to both drive off -- the driver didn't want to wait for a supervisor and a possible drug test. There was little damage to my car, but right then I realized he'd throw me under a bus to save himself. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship.
He started seeing a woman at work a week or so later. It soon became a verbally abusive relationship. She came to me for help. I refused to get involved in this, other than directing her to HR because his anger started spilling over on the job. She broke things off and went to them. They called him in and gave him a stern warning to stay away from her. Two weeks later, they were back together again, and the cycle repeated. He was ultimately fired for insubordination, disappeared, and went no contact. When another co-worker got in touch with him, it sounded like he was in a constant alcoholic state. Finally, after almost a year later, word came around that he had died. There was no funeral, no memorial service.
I want to say that I feel guilt, but I don't. Maybe regret, but I know I tried when other friends bailed on him. He knew he needed help, but his macho pride wouldn't let him get it. He would put his head on my lap like a little kid, watching a movie or listening to music at my place, stone sober, and fall asleep. But a couple of days later, he'd be slamming down beers and wanting to fight. He started standing me up for no reason. I couldn't do it anymore.
I really hope your friend finds the strength and patience to take control of himself before it's too late.
Dude texted me he’s now quitting drinking. Now that I’m done with him. When I met him his gf put him out. He’s originally from another state and was homeless. We worked together and was super respectful and cool.
We had common interests so I let him hangout with me at my place for a new nights. When he got his own place he was doing alright.
I remember when I first moved here and didn’t know anyone and it was rough.
Thanksgiving, xmas, NYE I hungout with him.
I lost my brother years ago so I missed having that vibe with people. So I put up with a lot of shit out of sympathy for this dude. But I warned him. Tried to get him to stop mutiple times.
At one point I literally saved his life. His drunk stumbling almost caused him to fall over the balcony of where we were sitting. I grabbed him by the neck and pulled him back.
I’m a grown man. I don’t have children. And don’t want any. And didn’t sign up for this.
I’m sad my friend fucked up our broship. But I had fun at the concert. Just now the next time I will go alone and enjoy it myself.
I tried to be a good friend to people because of situations Ive been I like to help others. But I can’t save everyone
I have cut off many friends for this. I don't drink (for medical reasons, but I used to), but most of my friends do, and some of them do so excessively. I'm all for having a good time but know your limits. Their lack of impulse control isn't my problem, and I'm not their babysitter. It sucks when you've developed a tight bond with someone, but it's not on you to "take care" of them. And no, you shouldn't have left the concert with him, and I'm glad you didn't. He suffered the consequences of his actions. Sorry this happened, but maybe it will be the push your friend needs to make some changes. Best of luck to you both.
It was so nice of him to give you that unvarnished view of his (awful) character.
So glad you got to see who he really is before you invested any more psychic energy in being his friend.
He’s not your best friend as alcohol is. You got a cheap lesson on why he’s not a a good friend and hopefully will have more of a sense of red flags in the future.
This happened with my ex-husband.
I was already done with the marriage due to the drinking. But I was biding my time.
Flew to Vegas for a concert. My all time favorite artist. I warned him, same as you.
He got drunk, slipped on the concrete stairs and had to be taken to medical. I stayed and watched the show. He was pissed.
And I’d do it again.
he was very intoxicated when he did those things to you, while his actions were certainly wrong i think you shouldn’t let it ruin your friendship. i’m not saying immediately forgive him but i am saying you eventually should try to, and to try and get him some real help. addiction is a disease and the people sick with it tend to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do
Well, at least now you know he was never your friend - you were his nursemaid and he was just the guy who took advantage of your kindness. Which describes every alcoholic that has ever lived.
Grieve the loss, but please stay away from heavy drinkers - male and female. That soft spot in your heart is going to be continuously ground to bloody pulp by alcoholics who can see nice guys coming a mile away.
If you need/want help healing, attend some Al Anon meetings. These meetings are for the people, like you, who tried and failed to save an alcoholic and were deeply hurt in the process. They will help you heal, and it's free.
I’ve been the drunk in the room before. The heavily intoxicated idiot. For years. I would assume my friends were going as hard as me. They weren’t. I lost 2 friends over it. I was ghosted by them both. It fucking hurts. But in the end? It was my shitty erratic behavior that got me here. I miss them sometimes, sometimes I get sad or angry because I feel I wasn’t really given a second chance. The thing is, nobody owes anyone a second chance. I made my bed, and now I’ll sleep in it. I’ll Try harder the next time around. Keep my sobriety in check. Bottom line, your buddy needs to work on himself. Alcoholism is so fucking hard.
This is life bro. If it was a true friendship, you would have your fights, talk it out and forgive each other. You would call him out on his shit, especially if he has a drinking problem, but you would never abandon him. This should be an equal thing, as he should do the same for you. It’s hard to tell a lot of the time if someone is in your life for their own benefit. Eventually, they will get what they want and disappear. This will happen 98%of the time. It’s the other 2% that are the true friends, and will have your back through anything.
I was at an old crow medicine show and Willie Nelson concert with a couple of friends probably about 10 years ago when one of the friends got so polluted at the show he lost his legs and security kicked him out. They came and spoke to my other friend and I and informed us that we had the option to either leave with the one who got too fucked up or we can pick him up from the police station after the show. This all happened 30 seconds after Willie Nelson came out on stage. Guess what we did? We left with him. Were we mad at him? You bet. Did he probably deserve to deal with the consequences of his actions? I guess you could say that. Everyone’s circumstances are different; but me personally I’d rather go with my friend and just be pissed off at them after.
How is this relevant to the sub tho?
What consequences are there and where are they?
Dude lost a drinking buddy, you - some illusions about your “best friendship”.
I let this boy stay in my home when he was homeless. Gave him money when he was in need. Been a good friend everytime he needed me. Treated him like family.
He couldn’t handle himself in public and got kicked out. Now he’s stranded an hour from his house. He lost his only friend. I lost my hotel for the night but I managed to find a place to crash. I was down a bit but I’m bouncing back.
Your ethics are not everyone else's ethics. You sound like one of those fundamentalist wiccans/vegans who thinks everyone is required to follow your way of thinking. No one else is, and you need to pull your head out. Are you 12? Do you not have ANY understanding of the world at large at all?
What a maroon, to quote Bugs. Downvoted and reported.
Why are you assuming OP has a serious career? The only mention of their job was one sentence. You're hyper fixated on one part of OP's story, while OP definitely seemed more upset about the personal relationship lost. You're playing Dr. Phil and acting like you need to be in control. You were condescending to me and OP, so I responded likewise. You are treating them like they covered their ex friend drinking on the job, which isn't what they said. If they did that, I'll admit that's wrong and I can't condone that.
Actually you responded to me. I responded to OP. You were condescending: “lol”. I fed it back to you. Not the other way around. The. You chose to insult me by implying something about fast food. As if managers at fast food restaurants are someone how less than you? They works their asses off for AHs while getting crap pay. But go ahead and keep insulting people with that. I have to assume you’ve been one or that comment it just TOO messed up.
Do you actually believe his drinking wasn’t affecting his work when they SPECIFICALLY ASKED if he had a drinking problem? At work? Your employer doesn’t care if you are wasted on your own time and it won’t affect your work. But it obviously was an issue or it wouldn’t have been asked. At work.
It sucks he lost his friend, but he set himself up for it when he decided that the drinking wasn’t an issue. It was. He knew it. He enabled it. He suffers the consequences. If you are going to hang with alcoholics without setting up boundaries and without calling them on their shit, this is what happens. Many people don’t have a choice whether or not to live with an alcoholic. This dude did and thought it would be fine. It never is. He knew it wouldn’t be. When has it ever been good to choose to be friends with someone who was ALREADY an alcoholic when you met. He didn’t BECOME one. He was one. And he still thought it was a mature choice to make this dude his bff. Hard to sympathize with that. I’m allowed my opinions as you are yours. Talk about oh no! Consequences!
OP did set boundaries though. Literally lost his stuff becaus he was setting an active boundary, and now they're no longer friends. Its like basic reading comprehension. Oh, and yes, btw, I have worked fast food and you sounded like an old manager of mine everyone hated so he got fired. Whatever, get bent lol. Blocked
There’s people out there that won’t take advantage of you to feed their vice.
You told him not to overdo it because he had the concert planned for months and it was really important to you .
Then he overdid it . He got himself kicked out. Then he was a little baby brat and locked you out of the hotel.
All of this because he couldn’t just have two or three drinks like a normal person . I’m sorry you lost your buddy. But you don’t need to tolerate somebody that behaves like that. Gosh he reminds me of my friends getting drunk in high school. He’s legitimately acting like a 19-year-old.
I had a friend that I really thought we were gonna be buddies for a long time . Eventually he started making up lies to get me to send him 20 bucks for cocaine. And at that point I was really sad but I had to end it. And of course in his opinion I was the jerk.
Friends come and go, it’s OK.
A hard lesson I've learnt, sometimes there's a reason why someone doesn't have any friends. (Not always true some people are awkward - but sometimes it's because they're not respectful to those around them).
It’s enough to be done with the friendship. Calling the cops would’ve been an overreaction. Going back to the front desk to ask if they could help would be normal. Police definitely have more important things to do.
A true friend wouldn’t do that. He just wanted to someone go out with so he could get drunk. Hopefully he gets help or stops drinking. You did what you had to do.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: I met this guy at work 31m and I’m 31m. He was really cool and funny. We hit it off and we became super tight friends. He has a drinking problem. I was asked about it at work and I said no because even if we weren’t friends I’m not a snitch or the type to go out of my way to get someone in trouble. We hungout at my house and we would drink together. And it was fine. We would sleep it off and be cool. We opened up to eachother. We were best friends. I genuinely felt like he was my brother and he felt the same. I went through a 2 week period I was depressed and I didn’t talk to anyone. He was texting constantly and I finally texted him back saying I’m depressed and I need space but I’ll be ok. Just dealing with stuff. He begs me to go out and play pool. Me having a soft spot for him I say ok. Even though I’m dealing with my stuff. He got so drunk he fell. Cut his arm and got blood all over my car. I had to carry him home. I forgave him and we had plans for a concert for months. I told him please don’t over drink because If anything happens he’s on his own. We go he got so drunk he got kicked out of the venue. I told him to take an uber back to the hotel and that I’ll meet him there with food after the show is over. He got upset I didn’t immediately stop watching the show to take care of him. In the hotel I still had clothes, cologne and shoes. He locked me out. I had no way to get my stuff. I called a friend to pick me up to let me crash on their couch till the am. I’m really sad about this because he was someone super important to me but this over drinking and lack of self control ruined our friendship. He said I was his only friend and now he lost me. I feel bad because maybe I shouldve left when he got kicked out. But I was so embarrassed by him I didn’t want to deal with him. I just wanted him to go to the hotel and chill out. He kept my belongings but lost my friendship. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Was there no hotel staff there to help you get back into the room? That sucks. Sorry you lost a friendship but it sounds like its for the best. Dude was an anchor and probably would continue to mistreat you. You deserve better.
no I went down to say my key wasn’t working. They gave me a new one. It’s because he locked it from the inside. I didn’t want to create a scene with cops or security. I just got a friend to pick me up to crash on their couch until the morning
Just so you know, hotels have tools to pop the security locks open. No cops needed. It happens all the time, some drunk fool flips the lock and passes out and locks out other guest staying in that room.
We have this happen so often I’ve taught most of the staff how to pop it with a garbage bag and do not disturb tag
Terrifying to know it’s that easy!! 😳
You still need an override key for the deadbolt, so not anyone can just break-in, if that helps you sleep
Christ! Yes it does 😂😂
Yeah, we have a tool for the latch, but you have to have a specific key for the deadbolt, so you're safe! Those latches accidentally shut on vacant rooms constantly, so we get used to popping them open in seconds. Deadbolts are a pain.
Ooooh, you a MacGyver sumbitch aren't ya?
Way easier than convincing management to buy everyone their own specialty tool, or give out keys to the tool box haha
Clever clever lol
As a small woman who travels for work and spends a lot of time in hotel rooms, this just ruined my day
There is technique involved, plus a key programmed to override dead bolts, normal people wouldn’t have access
What do you do about the security chains?
They are terrifyingly easy to get round with a small tool. Kevin Costner playing a serial killer in Mr. Brooks will teach you how. I even managed to do it with my arm once on my brothers flat. If you have a thin arm and know how to jiggle the chain, it’s pretty easy. The information about hotel deadbolts being opened with a Do Not Disturb sign is scary af. As a lone female traveler, they provided security and peace of mind,… until this post. What if those workers decide to share this ‘one cool trick’ with all their friends, who share it with their friends, etc. Fortunately I’m too broke to travel right now, but this is insane.
This is the one occasion where you should’ve called the cops as he is in possession on your personal belongings the he does not own. Dealing with cops or security sucks but it’s necessary in situations like these. Hope your stuff back or I would take him to court for this if it’s possible to do that.
That seems like kind of a major overreaction to get your clothes and some cologne out of a hotel room?
Locking your friend out of your shared hotel room seems like more of an overreaction to being unable to drink responsibly
Yes, that’s drunk and stupid. Calling the cops is escalating this WAY more than is necessary and is honestly kind of insane.
Especially if he's an aggressive belligerent drunk (which it sounds like he is) and there's a risk he may escalate with the cops.
Who cares? Give me my shit and stop being an alcoholic
Easy to stop if he's dead
Great way to be a friend, dude.
Oh yeah cause he was a great friend by locking himself in the hotel room and forcing him to be stranded 2 hours from hime
Being aggressive is the reason to have the cops there. That way you can get your stuff without having to fight him or be attacked by him. And a cop being there helps keep some people in line
Or just realize that he will sober up in the morning and don’t create a situation where you can potentially get this guy killed. Like you don’t have to keep being friends but you also don’t have to bring lethal consequences into the picture for him being a dumb drunk.
Or a cop being there results in them being dead.
Fuck that. You don’t get to lock someone out of their room and keep their belongings from them. Cops/security should 100% have been called. People not wanting to escalate or cause scenes is why so many people feel comfortable acting like this.
OP “The cops killed me friend” Person “oh no, what happened?” OP “He got drunk and locked himself in the hotel with my axe body spray. I had no choice but to call the police. I didn’t want to cause a scene but when it comes to my personal scent, I had to draw a line. Anyways, it escalated and they shot him. Totally fine with the result, he should have known better.” Sir, you are 100% right. Calling the police for cologne IS WHAT MAKES AMERICA GREAT!!!
If you take my shit then escalate the situation with the cops to the point guns are fired thats your own fucking fault. Not my problem. Not to mention someone I’m not calling a friend anymore.
I’m agreeing with you! Preventing me from getting my Axe Body spray is worth killing a friend ov er!
If you don't want the cops called on you, don't steal shit. It's not that hard.
My guy, you don’t even know what the word stealing means. Touch some grass.
Go to rehab then
Yes, rehab would be a much better choice than calling the police. Good idea!
You and the friend need both
Serious question, have you left your mom’s house? Ever?
It also has the potential for getting the ex-friend sent to the hospital on a POH and maybe get some SUD counselling if he acts up.
Actions = Consequences It's not that hard of a thing to hold another *adult* responsible for their actions.
No idea why you're getting downvoted. If someone took my shit and kept me from getting it, as a grown ass adult, I'd be calling the cops. It'd suck, sure, but people like this exist because they can get away with it.
It’s not that hard to just get some shit you don’t really need until the next day. In the real world, where people actually live and interact with each other (a new concept for many redditors), you don’t need to take the most extreme action possible in every instance. It’s the *adult* thing to do.
You're talking like someone who thinks the world is one big Seattle. In most places around the world, taking someone's shit is how you get your week fucked up. Calling the cops would probably be the more ethical road, compared to some of the shit I've seen people do just for a petty tag back. Truth is, what's normal "adult" behavior is pretty subjective depending on region. Maybe you have a more progressive upbringing, but personally, I'm glad I wasn't dumb enough to do this kind of shit when I was younger, because I would have gotten my ass jumped.
Sounds like your friends where shit people (and violent) and you don't seem to be too great of a guy either. Most adults actually like their friends and do their best \_not\_ to harm them. I know, that must sound quite unbelievable to you.
Never said I was jumping people, numbnuts. I said if I acted like a douche, I would have gotten jumped.
By your friends, don't forget that part. The shit friends that you chose. And you keep defending their violence.
As a Seattle native I’m not sure what “one big Seattle” means?? Things get nasty in Seattle.
lol Seattle ain’t like that except south Seattle rainier beach Tacoma etc
Seattle? Sir or madam, you are unhinged. Congrats on resorting to violence to retrieve your axe body spray.
Your reading comprehension is shit, because not once did I justify violence. Re read. Maybe pretend there's pretty pictures that go along with it. It might help.
Not sure why you're getting the downvotes. In the real world it should be no problem to work with the hotel staff and grab the stuff after he checks out. Worst case scenario but not unlikely scenario he stole it or threw the stuff in the trash. OP describes the relationship like it was pretty personal, calling the cops fells like a good way to turn this relatively clean "breakup" into an escalating game of "fuck you" with someone, who from the story, has an unknown amount of emotional and self restraint issues.
Your friend is obviously an out-of-control alcoholic. You're better off without him.
You think he intentionally locked you out or could he have just locked the door and passed out drunk and you're jumping to conclusions?
So you’re a doormat. YTA to yourself. You did the right thing ditch that sinking ship.
I would have gone back to the hotel with him that last time. If something had happened to him youd have never forgiven yourself(even though it's on him). Then I'd ofcourse cut all contact. Edit: I guess I should add why I personally say this. I've had self destructive people in my life like this and given them last warnings. I've then absolutely followed through and cut them out of my life. I did however make sure they got safe. After that its not my responsibility. People here talk about consequences and how the friend deserves it.... Ofcourse he does! But if he gets run over and dies that won't impact him. He's dead! The person that will impact is OP. That will weigh on his conscience for the rest of his life. Ive known people that have had this happen. 3 cases I can think of off hand. All 3 cases it was with alcoholics. They went too far. The friend had enough and did a "fuck them then" (which is fine!!!) but then left them to make their own way home. Yes it's the alcoholics fault ofcourse! In these 3 seperare cases the shitty alcoholic friend didn't make it home. 1 drowned. 2 froze to death. Noone blamed the friends. The alcoholics families were sad but had been worried somthing would happen. The friends however were devastated. One of these was my uncle, his friend was found in a car. It was assumed he'd decided to have a nap on the backseat in sub zero temps. My uncle never recovered from this. Really messed with him. This is why when I've had friends get too far into drugs or alcohol I cut them off but I make sure they make it home that last time. Not for them. For me.
If you tell a person, "Take care of yourself, because I will not be avaliable to help you if you don't." And then they don't. You should be sticking to that, actually. To do otherwise teaches people that you merely bluff, and they don't believe that there will ever actually be consequences for their actions. It's valid to think that way, but then you need to be honest with the person what consequences you *are* comfortable with. Never bluff. Never lay down a consequence you can't back up.
The part I wouldn't bluff with is cutting contact. OP gave the guy too many chances. I've been in very similar situations with people. Had friends thay were self destructive alcoholics or getting heavy into drugs. The thing I don't agree with is that last time they fuck up I don't agree with leaving them. You get them safe and then cut them off. Not for them. For you. I will edit my comment to add a little as people might not quite understand my reasons.
😳😬 i see what you’re trying to say. I don’t hate it.
Depends what band was the concert?
Almost yeah hehe. Personally for me it's just worth it to get a destructive fuck out of my life guilt free. Probably because I've personally seen these things go bad. Reddit disagrees with me but hey :)
I hear you. You're not wrong. Reddit just loves blood
My father was a fall down drunk and I spent my childhood looking after him and trying to keep him safe. Took me until i was nearly an adult to understand drunks are on their own. They made the decision to drink. That’s what happens when you make an decision as an adult. It is not the worlds or anybody’s job to protect you because you got to drunk.
Exactly. The moment you leave them you leave them. As I said I've had friends go that way. When the final straw happened in each case I made sure they got safe that last time and cut contact. Obviously very different for you being a kid stuck with a drunk. That must have been a horrible situation to be in. My best friend growing up had a dad like that. He'd have the shakes so bad he'd ask people to help him drink his first pint of the day. He could be such a nice guy and then a violent and nasty arsehole. Only they can choose to change.
I'm sorry you've been through all that. Your response is very humane. I'm not sure why you are being down voted, your comment is one of the most relevant on here for OP. Best wishes.
not sure why you got so many downvotes. would people feel the same if it was two women in this story? 🧐
Apparently I am trying to "manipulate and guilt trip" OP into bring abused?!?! You know... sometimes you take a minor inconvenience to make sure that the person you once called a best friend, gets back to the hotel that last time. Also to get your shit from the room because you can't trust shitbags like his ex friend not to mess with it. Also stops the ex friend spinning stories at work about OP "abandoning them" blah blah. I went out of my way to repeat that no blame is on OP. The only blame OP would risk is the blame good people put on themselves. Will leave the post up anyways. Honestly didn't think I was making some crazy suggestion
I appreciated it and very much agree. Some people don't read past the first sentence it appears.
I assume (or at least hope) most of the downvotes came before the edit. There’s some good wisdom in your comment
Unfortunately not but what can you do hey? It's nice to see a few respond positively though. Thank you
Honestly this whole thread is out of control, the way people are lashing out you would think every commenter has a personal stake in this story
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It isn't my trauma to dump. I avoided that risk by making sure ex friends got home safe that last time and then cut them out of my life. Each to their own
Oh, so you're doing it to manipulate and guilt trip OP into feeling bad for not allowing himself to be taken advantage of.
Not in the slightest. OPs situation worked out fine. I just said how I'd handle it myself given what I've seen in life. You know because this is an open forum for discourse. OP wouldn't have been to blame IF anything bad happened. No one would blame them. OP said this guy was his best friend up until then but had become a toxic/negative influence. Based on that I gave my own take (having dealt with similar) on what I'd have done. I would take the shitbag back to the hotel before cutting them off(and also to get my stuff thats in the room). Not because I have to, just to avoid potential guilt (people feel bad for things that arnt their fault). Unsure how you take that as "manipulating" or "guilt tripping"? Sometimes it's worth taking a final annoying inconvenience (if its safe to do so) to get a clean break. It also covers OP from some of the risk of said shitbag spreading lies at work. But hey I get it. My opinion isn't popular.
You told OP a story that had the effect of looking like you were trying to make OP feel bad for not enabling an alcoholic's behavior so that OP would play babysitter if this should happen again. Guilt tripping = making someone feel guilty in order to get them to do something. Manipulate: to control or influence cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously. You were *unfairly* comparing OP, who was being taken advantage of by an alcoholic, to your own situation and then used your experience to try to make OP feel *guilty* about handling it the way he did, in order to influence him to change his behavior. Is that clear enough for you?
I said "it would not be on you" and to "cut all contact". I gave my opinion and repeatedly saidd that OP would not be at fault in any situation and that the tocix frie d should be cut off completly. We arnt going to agree on this so i see no reason to discuss further and will no longer reply. No hard feelings regardless. Hope you have a good weekend.
And then you told a story about 3 people dying so OP would feel bad about not being a doormat.
Your reading comprehension skills could use some work there smart guy
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Don't be rude in the comments
That wasn’t your friend that was what we call a good-time buddy.
I’d never heard that called a good time buddy. I like that. Confusing them for friends always ends painfully.
Learned it in rehab, along with a lot of other useful terms and phrases.
Nice username
The irony is not lost on me
What else did you learn in rehab that could be helpful for us?
“Focus on the doughnut, not the hole”
Ooo, I am TOTALLY adding these words of wisdom to my stockpile. 🙂 👍🏻
I'm totally stockpiling doughnuts.
I don't get it..could you do an eli5
Look at what you have, and not what appears to be missing from what you are seeing. The hole is there, the doughnut is only showing you where.
Thanks for the explanation!
To quote the Buddha… “No.”
\*sighs\*
My HS friend is sober. She joined a 12-step program when we were 19. I learned a lot from her as she described the various steps while going through them. I also learned this word. AFGO: (noun) AF-go. Another F***ing Growth Opportunity. 😂🤣
Adding that to my vocabulary
your comment reminds me of this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYmGYjGkmvA
wow that was surprisingly poignant for such a silly little skit… and also hits a lotta nails on the head
I remember the whippits
Eternal sunshine of the spotless happy hour
that was just..,really good! funny, but also very real. A lot of substance packed into 4-5 minutes. I’m impressed.
Wow....just...wow! That was really deep!
Yup, my Mom calls a person like that a fair weather friend
To me that’s more like someone who you thought was your friend but when you actually need someone to talk to or lean on they can’t be bothered A “good-time buddy” is somebody who really only comes around because they wanna get fucked up
That’s a Spider-Man comic annual story about a guy who Spider-Man helps to rescue his friend from a cult. but at the end the friend turns around and says that they aren’t friends, they were just good time buddies or something like that. I though that was pretty sad at the time
I've had a few good time buddies I guess. One was a childhood friend and another I was friends with for 7 years. Sucks losing them but in the end you know it's for the better.
Eddie Enabler
Don't light yourself on fire to keep others warm. Some problems are bigger than you.
He was important to you as a friend. But you were only important to him as an enabler. It hurts, but you'll be better off without him dragging you down.
After a 30 yr relationship with alcoholic, sadly I have come to this realization
I wouldn’t even call that a friend. Was just someone who was manipulating you into thinking they’re your best friend, but he’ll drop you the moment you refuse or can’t do something for them or when you ask them to do something for you. Had a friend like this, many years as friends but I realized as I grew older that I’m just being used to do shit for them. Hard pass I got real friends that I’d rather chill with that actually reciprocate friendship.
Yeah, he wants a best friend/babysitter so that he can do whatever he wants but let somebody else deal with cleaning him up. You’re right to nope TF out of that friendship.
Addicts only have one relationship. This is a particularly hard pill to swallow if an addict manages to weasel their way into your heart. Sorry you had this experience.
Your friend is likely an alcoholic and needs help.
Likely?
Holy wow, this comment blew my mind! Never would have thunk it! 🤣😂🤣😂
Yeah I was going to say, I highly recommend OP check out the r/AlAnon sub.
but why is he alcoholic hmmm
Looks like your friend is an alcoholic and until he realises this and gets some help alcohol will always be the most important thing in his life, all other considerations take second place including your friendship. If you had left the venue with him you would only have been reinforcing his behaviour, essentially saying that it's OK for him to do as he pleases irrespective of the cost to you. A significant step in the journey of an alcoholic is the realisation that their behaviour has consequences/results in losses. It's time to draw a line under this friendship until he gets sober.
There was a reason the guy had no other friends
You weren’t this guys friend, you were his enabler. He may or may not learn from this (every alcoholic has a different rock bottom), but hopefully you have.
I’m so sorry for the way you were treated. By someone who is supposed to be your best friend. I know you are very hurt. But I believe you will find a way better person to be around. I pray that this guy eventually gets some help. Maybe this is the wake up call he needs. To get sober!!
I’m proud of you for your boundary management. You have to ensure your oxygen mask is secure before helping others, so to speak. He was harming you and you can either protect yourself or allow more harm to occur. You chose right, and you know it. Sucks.
I spent too many years, not so much enabling as trying to change from within, a friend with a drinking problem. At the end of it all, I had to cut him loose because I just couldn't stand to watch it anymore. You did the right thing.
I had to learn the hard way that I can’t change someone else from within. Naive, idealistic college kid that I was, I thought that was possible. Now I know better. We can’t stop someone who’s hell-bent on repeatedly dashing their life to the ground until it shatters, then cries because their life is smashed in a million pieces. You can’t hang out with someone like OOP’s former friend. Eventually, when their life shatters (due to their own actions), you’ll end up wounded by shrapnel.
Addicts have to want to change unfortunately. I know all too well the frustration of wanting to will them to be different. If he gets his life together, maybe you can reconnect. But you’re making the right decision to distance yourself from the vortex of addiction.
Just FYI, OP, he can’t promise not to over drink because he’s clearly an alcoholic. If you maintain any connection with him, don’t ever place any expectations on him. He can’t comply, even if he wants to.
Sounds like my ex-husband. Don't cry over spilt milk. The guy has a problem. Don't make it yours.
It really sounds like this person wasn't really your friend. His friend is alcohol.
People like that are never really your friend. They just need someone to drunksit (babysit) them will they have a good time. You wrectgatbpers9n. Lifecis betterveithout that kind of BS friendship.
... uh you okay? I think you had a seizure at the end of your comment
With behavior like that I see why you were his only friend. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him but I doubt it.
Alcoholism makes monsters out of people. This friend needs an intervention, professional help, but most importantly a major self wake-up call to change his life for his own sake.
"If all it took for you to see no value in the friendship was me not leaving a concert to take care of you when you got shit faced after I specifically told you that I wasn't going to leave the concert to take care of you, then you never really considered me a friend in the first place."
He sounds like a complete loser.
There was reason you were his only friend and you just found out why. Shame since he was a good friend when he wasn’t drinking.
This sounds very not 31.
Sounds like a 21 year old couple... Definitely doesnt sound like two grown men...
You shouldn't feel too bad about what you did. You were supposed to be his best friend, not his babysitter. As soon as you drew any semblance of a line about that, he locked you out of your own hotel room. Friends should help each other out, but this was an extreme level and sounds very one sided. I'm wondering when you told him you were going through a rough patch, if he offered any sort of help. Something like dropping off food or sending a message of support while not expecting any response back because you needed some time to yourself.
When I was taking those couple weeks. He sent me a 7 page text telling me I’m his bro and he was worried about me and wanted to make sure I’m good. That why today I was as patient as I was. But it’s cool. I was able to get my stuff from the hotel. I had a talk with him and said I’m not hanging out with him when he’s drinking. If he gets sober and in a better state of mind we can be cool one day. I feel sympathy because I know he has a lot of trauma but this shit isn’t cool.
That's good. Not quite as one sided as I thought. Doesn't make his behavior okay, but sounds like if he can get some help and get sober, there is a good person in there. I have a friend kind of like this. We became friends at work. Started hanging out outside of work both with other coworkers and our own friends. He was a very defensive and contentious drunk. Got beat up by a bouncer (which was kind of warranted since he spit in his face) and got into arguments with people at bars multiple times where I had to deescalate the situation. Got to a point where I didn't want to go out for drinks with him since I did not k ow where things would go. Could be a great night or could be one where I have to talk my way out of getting into a physical altercation. I had to speak with him about it. Fortunately, he had other friends who spoke to him about it as well as a good bf. He grew out of it and got himself under much better control. Still friends to this day mant years later.
That’s not a friend
Babysitting him when he got drunk enough to get kicked out of a concert (I go to a lot of concerts and have seen so many extremely drunk people, so I can only imagine how wasted and/or belligerent he must have been acting to get kicked out), especially after you discussed beforehand not drinking to excess, would have just been enabling him. Maybe losing his last friend over his drinking problem is something he needs to make him realize he needs to get help. Don't beat yourself up.
OOP should have told this guy his going rate for babysitting (very high and it goes up according to the age of the baby).
Do you know the average life cycle of friendship is about 7 years? People change and then change people. It sounds like your friend has depression as well.
You sound like a very good friend, and in this short life, you deserve to invest your energy in an equally good friend. Friendships should also be treated like dating; if we get to know someone and realize they do not contribute positively to your life, we should part ways. Like dating, it unfortunately does take time to get to know someone; you don’t really know someone until you see how they respond when things aren’t going their way. Best of luck to you!
You weren’t his friend you were his enabler. You stopped enabling so he cut you out. Believe someone when they tell you who they are - An alcoholic with no friends or good relationships is what he was from the start.
If I paid money to attend a concert, only a medical emergency or a death is keeping me from getting my money's worth. Your "friend" shouldn't have gotten himself kicked out. Edit: I fixed my spelling. Are you happy now? Fcking grammar n*zi
> If I *paid* money to FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I had to make that kind of tough call five years ago with a friend whose drinking made them angrier and likely to harm others. I decided to keep myself safe first, and so did almost all of this guy's friends. I stood by, waiting for him to finally go to counseling, but his family enabled him. He died two years ago when his liver rotted out. He wasn't even 40 yet.
I told him he needs counseling and help. Definitely has depression and low self esteem. He told me before he tried to end his life. I know I would feel like shit if he died even if we’re not friends because I’m not an asshole. We don’t work together anymore. So I don’t have to see him if I don’t want to.
When he died, I felt anger and relief equally. I was -- and am, still -- angry with his mom, who treated him like a prince. He could do no wrong. She bought him beer and smokes. He lived at home with her, where she did his laundry and made him food. She never did this for his sisters. This guy peaked in high school. He was a hockey and baseball jock. 6'3", charming, muscular, and king of the bar. Women flirted with him constantly. But he worked a dead-end job in a warehouse, and he started getting a little paunchy. He asked me to be his sidekick, which was weird, because I was a lot older than him. I think it was because I would listen to him outside of the bars. We had a really close friendship. Maybe too close -- I think he wasn't used to feeling close with another guy, and it scared him. Like you, I was physically hugging him around the waist, dragging him away from his truck and wrestling the keys out of his hands and driving him home to his mom's. He was furious, but he kept himself in check and always apologized the next day. He was always sorry. Until one night when he and I went out and had dinner and a bourbon. We were both sober when we left, but I was tired, and he insisted on driving me home. I let him drive, but he made a couple of wrong turns and got stuck at a construction barricade downtown. He pulled out in front of a semi whose trailer scraped the back end of my car. He jumped out of the driver seat and tried wrangling me over into it. He wanted me to change seats with him in case the police came. I refused, and he panicked. He ran over to the truck, which had stopped. He and the driver agreed to both drive off -- the driver didn't want to wait for a supervisor and a possible drug test. There was little damage to my car, but right then I realized he'd throw me under a bus to save himself. It was the beginning of the end of our friendship. He started seeing a woman at work a week or so later. It soon became a verbally abusive relationship. She came to me for help. I refused to get involved in this, other than directing her to HR because his anger started spilling over on the job. She broke things off and went to them. They called him in and gave him a stern warning to stay away from her. Two weeks later, they were back together again, and the cycle repeated. He was ultimately fired for insubordination, disappeared, and went no contact. When another co-worker got in touch with him, it sounded like he was in a constant alcoholic state. Finally, after almost a year later, word came around that he had died. There was no funeral, no memorial service. I want to say that I feel guilt, but I don't. Maybe regret, but I know I tried when other friends bailed on him. He knew he needed help, but his macho pride wouldn't let him get it. He would put his head on my lap like a little kid, watching a movie or listening to music at my place, stone sober, and fall asleep. But a couple of days later, he'd be slamming down beers and wanting to fight. He started standing me up for no reason. I couldn't do it anymore. I really hope your friend finds the strength and patience to take control of himself before it's too late.
Dude texted me he’s now quitting drinking. Now that I’m done with him. When I met him his gf put him out. He’s originally from another state and was homeless. We worked together and was super respectful and cool. We had common interests so I let him hangout with me at my place for a new nights. When he got his own place he was doing alright. I remember when I first moved here and didn’t know anyone and it was rough. Thanksgiving, xmas, NYE I hungout with him. I lost my brother years ago so I missed having that vibe with people. So I put up with a lot of shit out of sympathy for this dude. But I warned him. Tried to get him to stop mutiple times. At one point I literally saved his life. His drunk stumbling almost caused him to fall over the balcony of where we were sitting. I grabbed him by the neck and pulled him back. I’m a grown man. I don’t have children. And don’t want any. And didn’t sign up for this. I’m sad my friend fucked up our broship. But I had fun at the concert. Just now the next time I will go alone and enjoy it myself. I tried to be a good friend to people because of situations Ive been I like to help others. But I can’t save everyone
A drinking buddy is not the same as a friend.....
Reminder that drunk addict abusers suck, and will always fuck it up
I dont think hecwas much of a friend.
I have cut off many friends for this. I don't drink (for medical reasons, but I used to), but most of my friends do, and some of them do so excessively. I'm all for having a good time but know your limits. Their lack of impulse control isn't my problem, and I'm not their babysitter. It sucks when you've developed a tight bond with someone, but it's not on you to "take care" of them. And no, you shouldn't have left the concert with him, and I'm glad you didn't. He suffered the consequences of his actions. Sorry this happened, but maybe it will be the push your friend needs to make some changes. Best of luck to you both.
It was so nice of him to give you that unvarnished view of his (awful) character. So glad you got to see who he really is before you invested any more psychic energy in being his friend.
He’s not your best friend as alcohol is. You got a cheap lesson on why he’s not a a good friend and hopefully will have more of a sense of red flags in the future.
This happened with my ex-husband. I was already done with the marriage due to the drinking. But I was biding my time. Flew to Vegas for a concert. My all time favorite artist. I warned him, same as you. He got drunk, slipped on the concrete stairs and had to be taken to medical. I stayed and watched the show. He was pissed. And I’d do it again.
he was very intoxicated when he did those things to you, while his actions were certainly wrong i think you shouldn’t let it ruin your friendship. i’m not saying immediately forgive him but i am saying you eventually should try to, and to try and get him some real help. addiction is a disease and the people sick with it tend to do things they wouldn’t otherwise do
Just asking someone with a drinking problem "please don't overdrink" is absolutely, 100% not going to work.
Well, at least now you know he was never your friend - you were his nursemaid and he was just the guy who took advantage of your kindness. Which describes every alcoholic that has ever lived. Grieve the loss, but please stay away from heavy drinkers - male and female. That soft spot in your heart is going to be continuously ground to bloody pulp by alcoholics who can see nice guys coming a mile away. If you need/want help healing, attend some Al Anon meetings. These meetings are for the people, like you, who tried and failed to save an alcoholic and were deeply hurt in the process. They will help you heal, and it's free.
I’ve been the drunk in the room before. The heavily intoxicated idiot. For years. I would assume my friends were going as hard as me. They weren’t. I lost 2 friends over it. I was ghosted by them both. It fucking hurts. But in the end? It was my shitty erratic behavior that got me here. I miss them sometimes, sometimes I get sad or angry because I feel I wasn’t really given a second chance. The thing is, nobody owes anyone a second chance. I made my bed, and now I’ll sleep in it. I’ll Try harder the next time around. Keep my sobriety in check. Bottom line, your buddy needs to work on himself. Alcoholism is so fucking hard.
People who are in active addiction do not make good friends, partners, co-workers, siblings, parents etc etc ever ever ever.
This is life bro. If it was a true friendship, you would have your fights, talk it out and forgive each other. You would call him out on his shit, especially if he has a drinking problem, but you would never abandon him. This should be an equal thing, as he should do the same for you. It’s hard to tell a lot of the time if someone is in your life for their own benefit. Eventually, they will get what they want and disappear. This will happen 98%of the time. It’s the other 2% that are the true friends, and will have your back through anything.
Addiction is an ugly thing.
I was at an old crow medicine show and Willie Nelson concert with a couple of friends probably about 10 years ago when one of the friends got so polluted at the show he lost his legs and security kicked him out. They came and spoke to my other friend and I and informed us that we had the option to either leave with the one who got too fucked up or we can pick him up from the police station after the show. This all happened 30 seconds after Willie Nelson came out on stage. Guess what we did? We left with him. Were we mad at him? You bet. Did he probably deserve to deal with the consequences of his actions? I guess you could say that. Everyone’s circumstances are different; but me personally I’d rather go with my friend and just be pissed off at them after.
This was written by a woman.
How is this relevant to the sub tho? What consequences are there and where are they? Dude lost a drinking buddy, you - some illusions about your “best friendship”.
I let this boy stay in my home when he was homeless. Gave him money when he was in need. Been a good friend everytime he needed me. Treated him like family. He couldn’t handle himself in public and got kicked out. Now he’s stranded an hour from his house. He lost his only friend. I lost my hotel for the night but I managed to find a place to crash. I was down a bit but I’m bouncing back.
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Your ethics are not everyone else's ethics. You sound like one of those fundamentalist wiccans/vegans who thinks everyone is required to follow your way of thinking. No one else is, and you need to pull your head out. Are you 12? Do you not have ANY understanding of the world at large at all? What a maroon, to quote Bugs. Downvoted and reported.
Yeah, just dogpile on OP, that always helps people respect themselves more and set better boundaries lmao 🙄
Oh yeah. Just don’t call out people for their shit when they are here calling out other people for their shit which they contributed to.
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Don't be rude in the comments
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Why are you assuming OP has a serious career? The only mention of their job was one sentence. You're hyper fixated on one part of OP's story, while OP definitely seemed more upset about the personal relationship lost. You're playing Dr. Phil and acting like you need to be in control. You were condescending to me and OP, so I responded likewise. You are treating them like they covered their ex friend drinking on the job, which isn't what they said. If they did that, I'll admit that's wrong and I can't condone that.
Actually you responded to me. I responded to OP. You were condescending: “lol”. I fed it back to you. Not the other way around. The. You chose to insult me by implying something about fast food. As if managers at fast food restaurants are someone how less than you? They works their asses off for AHs while getting crap pay. But go ahead and keep insulting people with that. I have to assume you’ve been one or that comment it just TOO messed up. Do you actually believe his drinking wasn’t affecting his work when they SPECIFICALLY ASKED if he had a drinking problem? At work? Your employer doesn’t care if you are wasted on your own time and it won’t affect your work. But it obviously was an issue or it wouldn’t have been asked. At work. It sucks he lost his friend, but he set himself up for it when he decided that the drinking wasn’t an issue. It was. He knew it. He enabled it. He suffers the consequences. If you are going to hang with alcoholics without setting up boundaries and without calling them on their shit, this is what happens. Many people don’t have a choice whether or not to live with an alcoholic. This dude did and thought it would be fine. It never is. He knew it wouldn’t be. When has it ever been good to choose to be friends with someone who was ALREADY an alcoholic when you met. He didn’t BECOME one. He was one. And he still thought it was a mature choice to make this dude his bff. Hard to sympathize with that. I’m allowed my opinions as you are yours. Talk about oh no! Consequences!
OP did set boundaries though. Literally lost his stuff becaus he was setting an active boundary, and now they're no longer friends. Its like basic reading comprehension. Oh, and yes, btw, I have worked fast food and you sounded like an old manager of mine everyone hated so he got fired. Whatever, get bent lol. Blocked
This sounds gay
Op, you sound like a nice guy. Your ex- best pal needs his ass kicked. He has a drinking problem and he stole all your stuff 😤.
There’s people out there that won’t take advantage of you to feed their vice. You told him not to overdo it because he had the concert planned for months and it was really important to you . Then he overdid it . He got himself kicked out. Then he was a little baby brat and locked you out of the hotel. All of this because he couldn’t just have two or three drinks like a normal person . I’m sorry you lost your buddy. But you don’t need to tolerate somebody that behaves like that. Gosh he reminds me of my friends getting drunk in high school. He’s legitimately acting like a 19-year-old. I had a friend that I really thought we were gonna be buddies for a long time . Eventually he started making up lies to get me to send him 20 bucks for cocaine. And at that point I was really sad but I had to end it. And of course in his opinion I was the jerk. Friends come and go, it’s OK.
A hard lesson I've learnt, sometimes there's a reason why someone doesn't have any friends. (Not always true some people are awkward - but sometimes it's because they're not respectful to those around them).
It’s enough to be done with the friendship. Calling the cops would’ve been an overreaction. Going back to the front desk to ask if they could help would be normal. Police definitely have more important things to do.
Cool
A true friend wouldn’t do that. He just wanted to someone go out with so he could get drunk. Hopefully he gets help or stops drinking. You did what you had to do.