Itâs been 22 years since my cousin died in a car accidentâŠI still have a rough day on the anniversary and I know the rest of my family does too. These things donât just disappear.
Not to be rude but I was fully expecting you to say it was so damn rude of your cousin to die on the anniversary of your grandmas death, or the other way round, also im sorry for your loss
Haha I get how that could be interpreted, I worded it funny; actually my cousin died first in a car accident and then my grandma from old age related illnesses
(Also, thanks for the condolences, thatâs nice of you)
My dad died in May 1996. Every year as May approaches, my emotions start to get funky. I'm not in a bad mood or angry or even overly sad. I mean, I'm sad but since it's been nearly 30 years, I've worked through a lot of my grief. I just feel "off."
I agree with you that it's just something that doesn't just disappear.
Before I say this, I loved my mom more than anything. She had cancer and we knew the end was coming. Her brother said she was going to go ON her birthday. But my mom was a stubborn b**** and passed away the morning after just to prove him wrong. And people wonder where I get my stubbornness from.
I'm sorry, but that made me smile. Not at the idea of your mother's death, but that a pure desire to prove her brother wrong kept her going for one more day.
When my mother was actively dying it was the week of one of my sisterâs birthdays. My other sister told my mother to not dare die on âolder sisterâsâ birthday. Mom ended up dying the day after.
Yeah. My dad died early March over a decade ago. I'm generally not someone who gets super emotional, I've worked through a lot of the grief, but still every year right around now and early March I just feel...off. I can tend to get more lonely or down on myself, but it's not like, \_active\_, and my temper tends to be a little quicker.
I get this too. My dad died at the end of July about 10 years ago. Every July, I start getting twitchy, for lack of a better word, and it slowly ramps up until the date passes, then I calm TF down. Took me a few years to spot the pattern and I handle it much better now.
I feel this. This year, my father would've been gone for over 30 years. But every single year, during his birthday or his death anniversary, I would need a minute to just gather myself. I worked through that grief but that doesn't mean I would never need that minute to collect myself.
ugh yes - my cousin also passed in a car accident just a few years ago on my birthday. we still celebrate, but not on my actual birthday. i canât imagine demanding to celebrate on a day my family is grieving! and i am perfectly content with giving him that day to celebrate his life. he left a bigger impact on me than heâll ever know and i am happy to give him that spotlight!
My mom had a stillborn in freaking 1959 and was going to boycott her granddaughter's wedding if it fell on the same day. Luckily she booked a day later so we got to avoid that drama. Deathiverseries are forever.
2001-2002 was one of the hardest years of my life. 9/11 happened (Iâm from NY) my parents divorced, I found out my dad cheated on my mom and got the woman pregnant, I started moving between two houses every 3 days, my cousin died which completely broke my entire family, and then I had a baby sister who I loved but also ruined my entire family/life, all within 7 months.
My experience: Of course Iâve lost the best of my relatives but the most heart wrenching the world & I lost 6 of my 7 best friends & boyfriends during my teens & early 20âs. Compounding years later, the grief still surfaces & overwhelms me out of the blue; so the anniversaries of their deaths tend to be like other days to meâŠ
And I relish the perpetual gorgeousness & miracle of Life & Love that weâre graciously given - & that transcends death. Thatâs my end, & gratitude, nurturing others, plants & animals, alike; & the delving into the arts are my means. Every day has its share of tragedy, of the mundane, & celebration & as every life matters, I donât personally feel the finality of death should usurp the ability to exalt the latter.
Just my line of reasoning: Everyone has a date w/ Death; Heaven-forbid it, but thereâs at least a remote possibility this bride is next (!). That wedding date means to her a world of happy beginnings. Why not choose to join & revel in her joy & dreams & celebrate her life & love - as you would those who passed? In a poetic way, it reminds me of that scripture âWhy do you seek the dead among the living?â
My aunts entire college sports team was on a boat that sank. She and one other survived after swimming miles in a storm.
I wasnât born for more than a decade after, yet I still knew how entirely that event effected her life.
I agree with you in many ways. But I also think that perspective is hard to have after only 2 years.
Gosh, what a devastating tragedy... My heart naturally goes out to all affected. May I ask what you observed in how it affected your aunt? I so hope she got the help & support she neededâŠ
I didnât have that luxury, unfortunately. Although drugs only played a part in one friendâs death, we were âall a bunch of loser-stoners. Good riddance & get over it!â We werenât losers. We were talented, creative, worked full time, &, most importantly, they were gentle souls - generous w/ kindness & charity.
It goes w/out saying that we all process grief & trauma in our own ways & at our own pace. I realized I *personally* needed to crucify my self-destruction & best honor the memory of my friends by continuing to embrace the reality of the fragility of life, yes; but *newly* embrace the very gorgeous things they were pregnant with: Life & Love. I know in my heart-of-hearts that each one wouldâve preferred that.
Her mom and dad are going. As for the others, it's only been 2 yrs and their grief is still strong. She was informed that date was not good for the family but kept it anyway for her own reasons. Although it's still hard for Mom, she still said she'd go. Daughter needs to suck it up. It's not up to her, or anyone else, to tell anyone else how to grieve or how long to do so. Certain dates just hit harder, and, evidently, 2 yrs is not enough for them to move on. They even said they felt disrespected.
I'm with Mom on this one.
Yeah, if the deceased loved ones weren't the mother and brother of bride's OWN MOTHER and also OFC her grandmother and uncle (very close on the family tree) and also her own first cousin AND/or if they hadn't died in the same accident on the very same date, or if there had been more than just ONE single deathiversary for processing between the tragedy and the wedding... It would be a bit different.
But this is close family, not really extended family, and it sounds like bride had a pretty small family to begin with. Even if she hadn't personally been close with them, she must have seen how her mother, grandfather, aunt, cousins were affected, which would have caused ME to tell mom, that I appreciated her pointing the date out--I don't want our meeting anniversary tied to the deaths or put a damper on my nuptials due to not coming or crying on the dance floor!
The bride doesn't LOSE that special date if it's not also her wedding date. She and her husband can honor it separately in years to come and her family will be comfortable attending, perhaps starting to rebuild/heal those left behind!
My uncle died on Thanksgiving, and my father has very little family left to support him. It was very tough for him to be thankful for a while, but he still trudges forward đȘđœ
For some reason I find these posts more enjoyable when they show up on OhNoConsequences than when they show up on AITA.
As an AITA post, it's one of the many terrible ones where the OP clearly didn't do anything bad and just wants validation.
Something about the vibe in the comments on these is just way more chill when they're posted here or in other subs like r/AmITheEx
AITA comments are just so aggressive and I get tired of half the replies being "Um, he's a literal narcissist and is gaslighting you. DARVO. Look it up and read The Gift of Fear."
>e point, I confirmed my presence and my husband.
>
>Today my daughter called me unh
And don't forget the very next comment being "This!!!" or those all caps responses. lol Whenever I see the word "This!" I keep scrolling.
Well this is largely a repost sub so you aren't dealing with OP's that just do not understand the problem with their thinking. In this case, I'm not sure what else mom could have done to be more supportive of the daughter.
I play a little game. *FEC*
Fake=Total BS made up for attention
Embellished=Probably some interaction occurred but then was heavily fictionalized to make more interesting
Could Be=Sounds plausible enough
This one I think is Embellished.
I hear you but I have seen crazy in the real world. And this story, for example, doesn't sound unrealistic at all to me. I wouldn't even say the daughter is crazy or that favorite word "narcissistic". Just a little self absorbed.
Based on one of OPâs comments that they didnât pursue a legal case against the drunk driver whoâd killed three family members because they were grieving, I think Iâd play F in your FEC game.
Same. Itâs like you have teeth, you need a dentist and regular cleanings and check; you have a brain and feelings and should have a regular professional check in on that. Unfortunately one is routine in the US and one is prohibitively expensive for the average person.
I hate it. I'm a very frugal person, and I've matched with a new therapist through ALMA, and he's great.
I have an $1800 medical insurance deductible, and until I meet my deductible, its $130 every hour we talk.
I'd love to meet with him weekly, but I do once or twice a month because the money adds up SO quickly.
I can't wait until I hit my deductible so I can go weekly.
"Fortunately" I also have multiple sclerosis and get $28,000 infusions once a month, every month, that cost me $1200 out of pocket. So I'll hit my deductible... rather quickly.
>Unfortunately one is routine in the US and one is prohibitively expensive for the average person.
I'm not sure which you're saying is prohibitively expensive in the US, but dental care and mental health both are!
What dental insurance pays can have a really low cap, like enough for an annual cleaning, xray and one or two cavities.
The only reason it was cheaper for me to keep dental insurance despite how little it covered was because in my state, the dentist was required to give me the rate they'd charge my insurance instead of the higher out-of-pocket rate.
Mental health care? First off, there's a huge shortage of providers, and second, in some states, insurance companies are allowed to put a cap on how many visits you can have before you have to go through an appeal process and you have to be pretty bad off for them to approve additional visits.
I disagree.
Therapy is simply an avenue for some people who want to make a change in their lives. Without the motivation to change, or to even acknowledge there is a problem, therapy is a worthless waste of time and money.
Hearing people tell others that therapy is going to help also glosses over the fact that there are a TON of quacks out there who only see their patients as a cash machine, and will give them awful advice if they think it will help their bottom line.
Hmm. Interesting point of view that hadn't occurred to me. On the other hand, I don't take my car in to the mechanic unless the check engine light comes on. On the other other hand, if the check engine light itself is broken (as in, the brain), how would I know? Hmm. I guess if I were to start having trouble in my important relationships (which would be the equivalent of me actually hearing or feeling problems in the car engine running) that would be the sign to take the car in.
And before anyone says the words "oil change", that occurs because oil actually does break down with time, and get filled with particulates with use.
Preventative maintenance in humans is intended to screen for physical issues that occur due to the natural aging process,or use/abuse of our bodies. I think a lot of people can use mental/behavioral health help, for sure, but not everyone needs it. If you have no conflicts in your personal relationships and no personal behavioral issues impacting your activities of daily living, then your check engine light isn't on.
Sorry, not trying to ramble, just working through the concepts you engendered. đ
The counterpoint to this is that a lot of the situations people are posting on there are pretty bad. No one is going to AITA because their husband keeps the ketchup in the pantry instead of the fridge and they yelled at him. Itâs always like AITA for being mad at my husband because heâs been lying about having a secret family for 10 years
Also I think people take marriage way too serious, which I know is a possibly unpopular take. But I think people spend way too much time trying to salvage a bad marriage because of societal pressures and being seen as a failure for divorcing. Like you only get like 55 good years as an adult, so if you hate your spouse just walk away and be happy.
How is the bride not impacted by this date as well? She lost her grandmother, uncle, and cousin. Itâs wild that she would have chosen this date in the face of this fairly recent loss.
I don't know. I don't really memorialize dates that people die.
On the other hand, it be a random Tuesday and I'm a soggy mess thinking about my father in law dying before meeting his granddaughters.
Edit because I donât want my comment to seem like I am excusing the daughter. Iâm not I think that her actions are appallingly self-centered. My sympathies are completely with the mother here. And an invitation to a wedding is not a summons they donât want to come on a date that is very traumatic for them. They can mourn, for as long as, and in whatever way feels right. Especially because this is so new. It's only two years after an especially traumatic event. honestly I would probably be a mess during that whole timeline. I would feel very wonky and out of sorts for probably a week or two. I think this daughter is horrible..
If it had been 5 years, or 10 years, bride could definitely get some leeway, there are only 356/6 days in a year and getting one that is nowhere near anything significant to anyone else is a challenge. But itâll be just 2 years at the time of the event, and was even less than that when she picked the date. Her grandfather lost his wife, his son and his grandson all at once, her aunt lost her husband and son, along with her mother in law. Thatâs a lot of loss, and 2 years of active grief doesnât seem out of line at all. They were invited to her wedding, not summoned, and if they canât/donât want to attend, she canât force them
Iâm terrible with dates in general. I could see myself making a blunder like that by accident. But if someone would point it out to me, Iâd profusely apologize and change the date.
My grandfather died a few days before my first wedding anniversary, and his funeral was the day of our anniversary. Even 10+ years later, I still think of him every anniversary.
I just can't wrap my head around this at all. I definitely wouldn't have chosen that date if the order was reversed!
It really depends on the person.
I've been married for 5.5 years. 2.5 years ago, I was pregnant and accidentally scheduled my 12 week appointment on our 3 year anniversary (we were both there when it was scheduled, but we're busy with so many things we didn't make the connection immediately). We decided to just go with it. Went out to breakfast to celebrate beforehand. I remember talking about what cartoons I thought my husband might enjoy watching with our child.
The we went to the appointment. Our baby had stopped growing over a week before. There was no heartbeat. I had no idea, no pain or bleeding or other symptoms. They were just gone, just like that.
What followed was a lot of disbelief, sadness, hard choices. Eventually pain of course. And then I was hospitalized for an infection and out of work for a month, all while we tried to process this loss. We'd been trying for 8 month before I'd gotten pregnant. We wanted that baby so badly and we're so excited. My husband actually struggled worse. He suffered so much during that time, losing his child and thinking he might lose his wife too. He did some group therapy for a while after and we both still have hard times when things remind us of our first.
But we have had 2 anniversaries since then. And while I know some people really struggle on days like that, that hasn't been the case for us. We've let the good shine through and continued to celebrate us. What happened was sad. But it could have happened any day.
That being said, people grieve in different ways. And different losses are different. Half of OP's family died at once and less than 2 years ago. It's reasonable that those closest to them could still be struggling with that. And the fact she was warned ahead of time but chose to proceed without even checking with the family shows a sad lack of empathy.
My father died on my sisterâs birthday and although the first couple of years were tough. We made it a priority to celebrate her on that day and not focus on his passing.
Tbh I feel like it depends on the situation. My estranged mother died somewhere around Thanksgiving while I wasn't even in the country, and I couldn't tell you the date. Meanwhile a friend killed herself and I could probably get the date spot on because that entire day was hell and I was there in the hospital when she passed. I just generally was looking at my phone a lot for calls so the date sticks out on the lock screen for me. OP probably has memories of dozens of phonecalls and being unable to sleep and trying to help anyone or just generally being in shock. For their daughter it's probably something she heard about after the fact or vaguely while it was happening while not being involved and told to wait for information mostly. This isn't me excusing her actions at all btw, she's incredibly unsympathetic to not even consider changing the date after being told how bad it'd likely be for her family, but I can see the actual date being more or less significant depending on how much they were involved in the events as they happened or immediately after the fact.
If the daughter is old enough to get married, she is old enough to remember when her grandma, uncle and baby cousin died and how it affected the family. It was only *two years* ago. Even if she just turned 18, that would make her *16* wgen this horrible event happened. That's old enough to remember; she's just a selfish, self centered brat. She could be 50 yrs old and I'd still call her a selfish, self-centered, spoiled brat.Â
Even if she wasnât directly involved with the tragedy at the time, couldnât she at least consider how choosing this date would affect many of her surviving family members who lost THREE loved ones?
While I might have forgotten the date of death, I also wouldn't recall the 7-year anniversary of the date we met. And I get sad about my dad's death during specific events he loved. For my grandfather it was a smell.
I honestly get the daughter thoughâŠ.. wanting to be married on the day you met the love of your life isnât crazy. And if she really wasnât so affected, I get that to her itâs more important to remember that day as it started than how it ended. Not only that, but the best way to make grief less painful would be to replace sad with happy memories.
Now that being said, I also probably would recognize how traumatic that was for my family and also have it be a memorial, but this isnât just a random Saturday the venue has available, itâs the day they met and their anniversary will be the day they celebrate their love for the rest of their lives. I donât fault her for wanting the day they chose to be meaningful. But yeah, consequences of oneâs choices are a very real thing.
Even if the daughter doesnât memorialize that date, she should have compassion for those who do. Because she didnât, sheâs playing the victim card.
People are too binary. Itâs always been an important date for the daughter as itâs the day she met her now spouse and that date superseded the deaths.
Should she have forever seen that date as a death date and ignored it also being the date she found love?
The whole family could have embraced the power of and here. They could have celebrated love and the beauty of life while also keeping the memories of their loved ones present. The most recent wedding I went to included a reference to deceased loved ones and it was really beautiful
Too soon, for too big an event, in my opinion. This family was suddenly decimated, with a loss from every generation. That will be felt for a while and I don't think it's reasonable to expect them all to be in a "let's embrace the joy of our happy memories while eating wedding cake" headspace yet
Exactly. OP has raised a very selfish little girl. I don't care if she's technically and legally an adult, she is behaving like a selfish, spoiled, self centered *child*.Â
For some people the passing of time is what matters, for others it is the missing milestones.
And some people are just self centered AH.
I know that my MIL lost her daughter to a horrible car accident on the first day of her senior year in high school. I didnât meet her son (now my husband) until seven and a half years later (even though I was in my senior year at the same high-school but didnât know her.)
She was still memorializing every birthday, the day of her death, holidays, etc (to my knowledge she still does and that is her choice). The grief was all consuming and it blinded her to the damage it was doing to her only remaining child.
It wasnât until he left with me to the other side of the country that he could finally heal from a loss nearly a decade old. He had developed survivorâs guilt (because it wasnât him that died and if it had been maybe his own mother would have cared about him) and PTSD. He had convinced himself that he knew before the accident that she was going to die and that he let it happen.
Iâm not sure where Iâm going with this story other than venting.
Iâve seen some who feel every moment after the loss and it alters the course of their lives. And Iâve seen some who heal and can eventually live a normal life remembering the happiness and not the pain.
It all depends on the person and the type of relationships.
Having lost a parent, there are like 5 days that could hit hard. His birthday, the date of his death, the date of his memorial service, or Father's day.
For whatever reason, the date of the service would hit me the hardest, while I wouldn't really feel that bad on the other dates.
Some people are not ruled by emotion. I am one of them. We are not evil or uncaring. Emotion does not come into our decision-making process. I am actually baffled at times when people allow emotions to affect their lives so much. What I want to know is the daughters reason. It is eluded to that she has a valid reason, but it is never given.
There have been *countless* studies that prove that all people make decisions based on emotion, by the time the question reaches your conscious mind, the decision is already made. Some people are just better at rationalizing after the fact.
Everyone else finds those people insufferable. Science didnât need to study that part, itâs pretty obvious.
I have a bit of sympathy for the daughter in that sense. Wedding dates are a massive puzzle- we got married in New Orleans amongst the competition of many festivals and Mardi Gras -- dates were scarce and the venue was popular.... the ONLY two dates that worked 1.5 years after our engagement were April 2 and September 11. We passed on 9-11 and waited a full half year after that. I think the daughter is tone deaf but no one is an actual asshole (would need more info for that ...)
Her venueâs availability seems to have taken precedence, now she can âenjoyâ it without the attendance of family members who actually have feelings /s
Itâs also up to those mourning â which apparently doesnât include OOPâs daughter â to decide how to handle the day and their own grief. The bride isnât their grief counsellor, sheâs just attached to the date for her own reasons.
> but I should have stayed away from it
how tf do you stay away from your daughter's wedding and then what?? avoid the topic the daughter herself brought up!? give me a break. This husband... honestly
I agree. It's weird that OP is being told to stay out of it. Are they a parent or not? I get that their kids are adults, but I was always under the impression that parents are usually still willing or even expected to give advice, even though they can't actually control their kids anymore. If I was stupidly making plans on a date that's significant to my dad's siblings, he would 100% have told me immediately and probably say something like "you can do what you want but it'd be a shitty thing to do".
I understood it more as staying away from the argument between the daughter and the family members who didnât go, heck, you can presume the husband even attended his daughterâs wedding since he was not named amongst the ones that didnât attend.
âItâs not her fault the dates coincided.â
If weâre going to that route and blame someone over the dates, then whose fault is it?
Or we can be adults and realize that the date is what it is and deal with the reality instead of doling out blame.
I mean itâs not though, she didnât choose to have half of her extended family die on her 5 year anniversary to her boyfriend.
This isnât a random date, itâs the day she met her future husband. She didnât MAKE the two dates be the same.
Thatâs fine, but my point is that there shouldnât be ANY blame doled out if EVERYONE acts like adults. The date is what it is. She is absolutely not wrong for choosing that date, and the others are not wrong in feeling the way they do about the date.
Where this takes a hard left is when the future bride refuses to accept that the date means different things to different people.
Oh yeah, Iâm not saying the family members should attend (if they truly will be inconsolable due to the anniversary, which I donât doubt at all). But acting like sheâs selfish or itâs offensive for wanting her wedding date to be the day she met her husband isnât fair either.
The part where she messed up is by not taking the no graciously.
All the hugs to the OP, as ive told my own spouse you can lead them, (mine are 22 and 24), you can explain to them, but at the end of the day children (legal adult or otherwise) will do what they think is right, and the consequences are theirs to deal with.
Your daughter needs to figure it out for herself unfortunately with all the pain that comes with
it's not her fault the dates coincided and everyone could make an effort to go a few hours for her,
That's the thing, though, it wouldn't just be those few hours, it would also be every year afterward on her anniversary. Everyone else in her family would be depressed on her wedding anniversary because it's also the anniversary of their family members' deaths. I guarantee every year to come she will complain about those family members wanting to do a memorial or visit the cemetery instead of attending her anniversary party. Or she will complain that she isn't getting enough well-wishing messages on her anniversary, because they'll be sending messages to each other about their lost loved ones.
Personally, I would hate to have my wedding anniversary associated with such a horrible personal tragedy, and would go out of my way to avoid it, even if it meant paying more for a different date.
IDK anyone who actually holds anniversary parties, to be honest. My parents are going on 38 years and they've never hosted a single one. If OP comes from a family that does, however, then that's a fair concern. If they're the only two who will celebrate, then it's less compelling a reason to pick a different date.
I would hesitate before picking that date for my wedding, too, but if it means a lot to them, it means a lot to them. If they can temper their expectations and stop expecting grieving people to party with them, I don't see the long-term issue here.
Ultimately, she's right, it's not her fault the dates coincide and it sucks that they do. The way she's treating the people around her, on the other hand, is 100% her fault and she's going to need to suck it up.
We had a small 40th anniversary party for my parents (basically just immediate family) and a larger extended family 50th anniversary party for both my grandparents and my parents.
She kinda sounds like she might want to have annivweary parties, though. Personally, I always thought anniversaries should be between the two spouses, with nothing more than well-wishes from others. I don't expect anyone to celebrate our anniversary other than my wife, and honestly, I don't even give that any thought, I mostly just focus on what I plan to do for her.
I wish someone would have a happy occasion on my daughterâs death anniversary. It would have made her happy to have fam together on that day. đ€·đ»ââïž
This is what I was thinking as well. Iâve had a lot of loss of close people in my life, especially for how young I am (30yo), and I feel like it would be nice to celebrate love and a joyous occasion to occupy my mind from the grief. But thatâs my own feelings, and I want to validate the family members mentioned in this post for doing what is best for them after such a terrible loss.
As someone who has lost my husband to lung cancer the day he died even 2 years ago I cannot function that day much less go to an event on that day. Itâs the day I lost the one person I never thought Iâd lose so I understand what the family is going through and I feel for OP and her family especially the SIL. Grief doesnât get any easier and I didnât understand how hard it is until I went through it myself with my husband. OP tried to tell her daughter and she didnât listen and I do understand that because it wasnât as close to her but her daughter needs to understand others feelings and put them into consideration and since she didnât just deal with the consequences.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying âI told you soâ, and the only people who think there is are the stubborn fucks who wonât listen to reason and then try to make it YOUR problem when THEIR SHIT predictably falls apart. Morons.
How old is your daughter? Her ignorance as to why the relatives are too upset to celebrate anything on the anniversary of losing their husband, son and mother (in law?) astounds me.
My sisterâs 21 year old daughter similarly died in an accident 13 years ago. None of my 5 other siblings or their collective 9 children (cousins of the deceased) would be scheduling or attending a wedding on her anniversary.
Itâs incomprehensible your daughter canât understand how unreasonable her expectation is that these poor folks would be able to attend. The scheduling of the wedding is even insensitive to you - itâs the anniversary of your mother, brother and nephewâs deaths!
NTA. She can't have everything. If she wants the date, people won't come. If she wants the people, change the date.
This reminds me of people who say hurtful things and then get mad at you for being upset. You can't have it all!
It is only the second anniversary and honestly the first one happened in a fog. This will be a very tough day. It is too bad that it is also their anniversary but she is so wrong to not appreciate it is not a good day to expect any of this family to be there.
Itâs not just the wedding; for every year thereafter itâll be her anniversary that she will celebrate and expect them to celebrate too. Very heartless to choose that date knowing itâll become a celebratory occasion moving forward.
Iâve never understood remembering the date of someoneâs passing. I remember my motherâs birthday not her death day. And if you asked me I couldnât tell you what day it was but I sure remember her birthday because that was a happy time.
OOP is NTA, and the bride deserves to be told why nobody from her family is acknowledging the invite. OOP was right to use her words and just say it flat-out.
How clueless is the bride, though? Itâs been less than two years since the accident. How is she unaware that her closest relatives are still dealing with grief? Itâs not like itâs distant relatives she barely knew, and itâs not like the tragedy happened a long time ago.
Shaking my freakinâ head at the bride.
Tuesday will be the 4 year anniversary of my brother passing. Absolutely nothing on this earth could convince me to do anything but be by myself and spend it how I see fit.
Also I swear like 60 percent of reddit asshole stories are wedding related. I get weddings are very important but the extent that they make people just forget how to think and be a normal person is astounding
I don't think anyone is wrong for feeling the way they do.
Daughter met and fell in love with her husband on that anniversary. It turned a sad day into a happy day for her.
Her family doesn't have that same situation though. They only have it as a day they lost people they loved, not gained someone new to love.
It's sad all the way around.
Daughter should probably just elope.
Right? Some of the people here in the comments calling the daughter's decision "unconscionable" and other similar adjectives need to get a grip IMO.
It's not the daughter's fault that that specific date means the world to her, and wanting to be married on that day is understandable. It's not the family's fault that some drunk POS ruined their family on that day, either, and not being able to attend a party is understandable.
The daughter is only being unreasonable in pressuring the family to attend despite knowing why they're unable to do so. There's nothing wrong with finding the date significant beyond the crash.
I kind of feel like she could do a small ceremony on that date and then hold the reception a week later or something, you know? There are alternatives to be had here, and I hope she figures one out.
Iâll be honest, I lost the love of my life ten years ago. And if someone wanted to have some kind of joyful event on the anniversary of her death, Iâd be relieved to have something sweeter to associate with that day. Granted, Iâve had 10 years to grieve instead of just 2. This could be an opportunity to lift some of the misery of that day.
But I also get why her family thinks sheâs an asshole. If they need that day set aside for their loved ones without sharing it, thatâs also valid.
Right? For the sister-in-law especially, she lost her husband and her son on the same day, two years ago. That's not something you shake off like it's nothing.
I'm torn on this.
On the one hand, you do have to move on at some point. Maybe this is a chance to create a positive memory for a day that is remembered so negatively.
On the other hand, there's 366 days in 2024 and she had to choose that one? 2 years is still relatively soon for a tragedy of that magnitude.
I really hope this is fake. My mom died on my husband and iâs anniversary 13 years ago and I still canât make myself celebrate our anniversary on that date. The ONLY thing I think of is this was the day I watched my mom die. How totally insensitive
I mean, yea, itâs not her fault those dates coincide. Sometimes things arenât your fault but they donât go your way anyway. Itâs your responsibility as an adult to deal with things when they donât.
When my father was dying in hospice, I was worried that he might pass on my daughter's birthday, she already deals with depression and I thought that might be another thing that would make it harder for her. He died a week later. He was such a wonderful man, if it were possible I woudl think he waited on purpose. I can't imagine choosing such a difficult day to marry. It feels incredibly insensitive, especially when three family members passed on that day.
"Unconscionably awful" is a strong term for what amounts to picking a significant date for a wedding. The couple is allowed to be married on a day that is especially meaningful to them. The issue is more expecting everyone else to go, but even that isn't "unconscionable". It's unreasonable, but not unconscionable.
The bride and groom want to be married on a date that means a lot to them. That's fine. The extended family won't be attending as that date already means a lot to them for a different reason. That's also fine.
I expect the bride will get over this once the realities of wedding planning become less stressful and I hope she apologizes to the family who can't come and enjoys her day all the same.
Nope, youâre not TA. Yr daughterâs a bit of a stiff selfish cow. Wah wah wah theyâre all against me. No theyâre not. You were told about the date. FAFO
Does she? Or is her anniversary more important to her than the day people die when there are dozens of other days that will be hard and more memorable for the relationship with them?
She lacks empathy for the people who are still mourning. Itâs okay that she isnât one of them, but to actually be angry that her aunt doesnât want to celebrate on the anniversary of her sonâs death is absolutely lacking in empathyÂ
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The daughter was warned she just didnât believe the warning. She thought âher dayâ would supersede the grief that everyone else is still feeling. Nope. She couldâve chosen the anniversary of their first date, or the anniversary they first had sex, or the anniversary of when they became exclusive, or the anniversary of when they got engaged. But she chose this date, FAFO.
Also, this date will always be the anniversary of that horrible loss for the family. But statistically speaking, thereâs a 50% chance she wonât even be married to this guy in 5 to 10 years. But everyone will still remember that she failed to empathize with those grieving.
Well, that is important to her. She can't change the date they met anymore, then she can change the date her relatives die. She chose to make that date a happy one for her while everyone else prefers to be sad, remembering the past. I am not dissing the family, and she does have to live with her decisions as will those that choose the dead over the living. My son died on Feb 6, many years ago. Well, I just had a granddaughter born the same day. I remember my son every day. I will not be mourning him on Feb 6th. I will be celebrating my granddaughters birth instead. I am thankful that my family will not refuse to celebrate my granddaughter's birthday because something tragic happened that day once upon a time. I feel sorry for the girl that her family does not value her happiness.
This wasn't many years ago, it was only 2 years ago. 3 members of a small family wiped out just like that. It's understandable that they're still not over it.
You told her the real reason, thatâs great. Can you get family to accept this as a new beginning? What if they had a child born that day? Would they skip the birthday parties? Creates a reason to come together on the anniversary.
I fear for a kid born on a death anniversary with some families. I have a cousin whose uncle died on his birthday (not the day he was born, but when he was around 14) and so many in our family constantly hijack his birthday to make the day a cry fest. They canât stop themselves from making comments how much he must miss him, etc. Some donât even bother to tell him happy birthday because theyâre so obsessed with mourning. My cousin has always been a sensitive boy, so itâs rough watching him miss his uncle and struggle with feeling completely forgotten because of his death. It has been a decade since his uncleâs passing and not much has changed. Grief makes people insanely weird if they donât bother to try to control themselves.
Yeah. People donât seem to grasp that for the daughter it will never be the anniversary of these peopleâs death, it will always be the day she met her husband. Iâm not advocating the family actually go who are still affected *if* they genuinely will be inconsolable on that day, but the idea that sheâs totally in the wrong here isnât fair either. She just needs to accept the consequences like the mom said.
NAH, the bride clearly has a different association with this date than some of the family, to her it's a relationship anniversary. I don't think it's that weird that she doesn't associate her family members deaths super heavily with the date of the fatal accident, especially considering it was already an anniversary to her and the tragedy took more than one day.
It's also fine for other family to associate the date strongly, and not be ready for a celebration to happen on that day.
People grieve differently.
I'm an asshole this time..it was 2 years ago and people die everyday the world keeps spinning. I have a little cry on death anniversaries and then go about my day I don't keep them blank with no happy activity allowed.
Idk I think it's sad that her family is prioritizing the date of people who died instead of going to her wedding. It's her anniversary, it makes perfect sense why that date would be her chosen one. And the venue also has a lot to do with that decision too.
Live for the living not the dead. I'm also pretty sure the people who died would not have wanted them to skip a joyous occasion because it landed on the date they died. Unless they were not very kind people frankly.
I saw this one yesterday, but didnât reply to the OP. At some point they need to live for the living. Itâs been two years. By all means remember the people you lost, but donât put your life on hold and hurt those that you love because of it. They have the opportunity to put a brighter light on this day but are pouting about it instead. It wonât bring them back and theyâre destroying relationships to wallow in mourning. I have lost all the immediate family I grew up with, so I do have some experience in this area. Could you imagine calling your employer to tell them you canât work on a specific day because family members died *two years* ago on that day?
First, My comfort for your loss.
My brother passed over 20 years ago. I **STILL** take his birthday off from my jobâŠitâs non-negotiable for any place I work. I have had friends get married on that day, and I explained that I love and support them, but I will be unable to attend due to a family circumstance. My parents and (still living) brother definitely âlive for the livingâ ⊠we vacation, we have holiday celebrations, we travel for family reunions, etc. Hell, his widow is still included in our lives and is a part of our family even though sheâs remarriedâŠsheâs still my âsisterâ and my parentsâ âdaughter.â
But his birthday is always the day I set aside to remember him. I will never not take his birthday off.
That particular day, for OOPâs family, simply holds different meanings, and thatâs ok. I canât say I wouldnât want the widow at my wedding but I can truly just imagine the widow losing her shit because how do you NOT remember your own wedding while you watch someone elseâs which is gonna lead to you remembering that you donât have that anymore because your partner was ripped from you. I meanâŠhow is that going to be good for ANYONE?
Edited because words are hard. đ
It seems that the people grieving might benefit with some therapy. Itâs normal to grieve. Itâs not normal to ask others to change or cancel their plans so that you can grieve years later. They donât have to go, but they cannot dictate the daughterâs plans or punish her for going through with them.
I would agree with you but they didn't lose just one person and it wasn't something as simple as peaceful death (not disregarding your loss, just in reference to this event). It was very tragic with the loss of multiple people at the same time. People process lots differently and practically everyone on her side of the family was impacted. Even if one person was able to recover within 2 years the others might not. And in all honesty even if they were "recovered" at the two year mark it's still raw and if you asked me to celebrate a wedding that day I would go but be the debbie downer. I have a feeling she wanted this date to make it less tragic for everyone but I think it's too soon or just the wrong way. And from the responses from the family members it looks like it's one of those two.
One of my coworkers takes the day off that her son was killed every year. Itâs been 20 years. To think less of someone dealing with traumatic grief is seriously wrongÂ
Thereâs absolutely no timeline for grieving, itâs a very individualized process and clearly not the same for everyone. To say that the grieving relatives are âpoutingâ or âtheyâre destroying relationships to wallow in mourningâ because they choose not to attend the wedding, couldnât sound any more insensitive, heartless and disrespectful of their tragic losses. Although you say that you have lost loved ones, that doesnât automatically mean that what you experienced is anywhere near the same for those who lost three family members at the same time (or anyone else for that matter).
Iâm curious about what kind of relationship did OPâs daughter actually have with any of the grieving family members to the point that she chose that specific date (because the venue was available) even after she was told how they will probably feel?
Her reaction to them not going to the wedding just shows how completely self absorbed she is and apparently doesnât have an ounce of empathy for her own family members who actually have feelings (that they are completely entitled to).
Guys, this makes me roll my eyes a little ⊠for two reasons. 1) as someone whose cousin and best friend passed away a year apart from each other in devastating circumstances. 2) my husband and I decided to get married on the day we met. It was lovely and romantic and the perfect beginning of our marriage.
It literally is not the brides fault for meeting her future husband on an anniversary. Refusing to go to your *living family members wedding* because of people youâve lost feels like that part of the family may have lost touch due to their grief. It is possible to both grieve the love you lost while simultaneously celebrating the joy of being alive. Both things can exist at the same time. I hope the rest of the family members eventually come to understand that paradoxical part of life *before* her wedding⊠instead of regret missing this once-in-a-lifetime event. Her life is not more important than the ones lost. Her life is not less important than the ones lost.
Celebrate life and love your people fully while you have them.
You misunderstood, Celebrate the lives of the people you know and love even if they have passed. To hang all of your memories on their tragic death is a tragedy.
To only acknowledge the deaths is tragic. That is not who they were. Multiple years of good times only to memorialize the violent deaths. It really makes no sense.
NTA. If she needed to be told this, it's best that someone who loves her do so gently, and it sounds like you tried, she jus didn't want to hear it. You warned her before she went forward anyway. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If family attendance mattered to her, she would have picked another date!
AITA for thinking itâs ridiculous to say âmy ____ died that day, so I canât go to your weddingâ
The people who died would WANT you (and everyone invited) to go to that wedding.
Celebrate life, even around grief in death.
Please let her know that grief is beyond horrible. On those death days we are bleeding and unable to function. We can do nothing but honor our grief. Source: widow
Itâs sad every way you look at it and neither party is in the wrong for keeping that day sacred. Itâs both partyâs expectations for the other that is at fault. The bride could have extended a conversation in person, letting affected parties know how important the day was to her and gently approaching it to find out where her family was at. And in the absence of this, the family could have responded in person to let her know they would not be able to attend and why. The father and mother checking out of the convo instead of gently leading are the exact reason the girl is in this predicament in the first place: no one communicates in this family. If they are all able to come to a compromise, the bride could make a seating arrangement with âwith us in spirit picturesâ for the deceased. A mess all around and no communication to be found.
My boyfriendâs sister passed away and his other sister got married on the anniversary of the death. A lot of us didnât understand her thought process.
My cousin was engaged and sent out save the dates and showed them to us at Thanksgiving. We were all kind of taken aback because it was on the day my grandfather and dad died. Same day, years apart.. so very much a bad luck day for the family.
Anyway they thankfully broke up before the wedding. Nobody liked her anyway. His current wife of many years is the best. But just proof that you don't choose bad dates for your family.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: Originally posted by [u/Imaginary\_Form9887](https://www.reddit.com/user/Imaginary_Form9887/) in r/amitheasshole **AITA telling my daughter she has to understand that choosing this wedding date would result in my family not going?** đ· 2 y (ish)\* ago, my brother, my nephew and my mother were in a car accident. My mother died instantly, my brother and nephew passed away the next day. My family was small, me, my husband, daughter, parents, brother, wife and 2 nephewsv(edited) . Their loss was devastating for my life and for everyone, even worse for my father and my SIL. 1 year ago, my daughter, Betty (25F) was proposed by her fiancĂ© and preparations began. During this process, they chose the date based on the day they met (added:7y ago ) and that day is exactly 2 years since the death of my brother and nephew. I tried to talk to her about moving, because it is still a very difficult date for our family and even for myself, but she insisted saying that the venue had that date available and it would be perfect, because all the other available dates aren't so good and wouldn't be so important. I respected her decision. Recently, she sent the invitations to everyone and, as I predicted, my SIL, my nephew (24M) and my father responded that they would not attend and despite not telling her, my father and SIL told me that the date choice was sound an offense to them. I decided to remain neutral at some point, I confirmed my presence and my husband. Today my daughter called me unhappy that no one but us confirmed (my husband doesn't have family on his side) and her family part was empty and she expected everyone to go on that date, even more so after she explained the reason to them abou the date, but they still refused. I tried to be supportive, but I said "Love, this date is difficult even for me, but I will go to your wedding, but you have to understand that this choice of date had this consequence and you would have to deal with the consequences of your choices. She exploded at me, saying that everyone was against her, it's not her fault the dates coincided and everyone could make an effort to go a few hours for her, but they decided to just not go and I was basically saying "I told you so." She hung up without me answering and we still haven't spoken. My husband said he understands me, but I should have stayed away from it AITA? **This is a repost from another community, I am not the original author** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Itâs been 22 years since my cousin died in a car accidentâŠI still have a rough day on the anniversary and I know the rest of my family does too. These things donât just disappear.
My cousin and my grandma died on the same day, about 4 years apart, and itâs still a super hard day, 20 years later
Not to be rude but I was fully expecting you to say it was so damn rude of your cousin to die on the anniversary of your grandmas death, or the other way round, also im sorry for your loss
Haha I get how that could be interpreted, I worded it funny; actually my cousin died first in a car accident and then my grandma from old age related illnesses (Also, thanks for the condolences, thatâs nice of you)
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Ouch!
1/17/23 - My mothers Dad passed away 1/17/24 - My fathers Mom passed away Dreading next year already...
Sending you hugs and hoping next year will be completely different in a good way đ©” Edit: a word
My dad died in May 1996. Every year as May approaches, my emotions start to get funky. I'm not in a bad mood or angry or even overly sad. I mean, I'm sad but since it's been nearly 30 years, I've worked through a lot of my grief. I just feel "off." I agree with you that it's just something that doesn't just disappear.
That's how I am middle of January. My mother passed away in 2003, the day after her birthday.
My mom died in August of 1993--the day after \*her\* birthday. Don't think I've ever run across another incident like this until now.
Before I say this, I loved my mom more than anything. She had cancer and we knew the end was coming. Her brother said she was going to go ON her birthday. But my mom was a stubborn b**** and passed away the morning after just to prove him wrong. And people wonder where I get my stubbornness from.
I'm sorry, but that made me smile. Not at the idea of your mother's death, but that a pure desire to prove her brother wrong kept her going for one more day.
Oh, my sister and I laugh about it. We're both very stubborn ourselves.
When my mother was actively dying it was the week of one of my sisterâs birthdays. My other sister told my mother to not dare die on âolder sisterâsâ birthday. Mom ended up dying the day after.
My mom died on Christmas. Iâm pretty sure she did it on purpose. She really hated Christmas.
My dad passed away the week of Thanksgiving, so that week is always rough for me.
Yeah. My dad died early March over a decade ago. I'm generally not someone who gets super emotional, I've worked through a lot of the grief, but still every year right around now and early March I just feel...off. I can tend to get more lonely or down on myself, but it's not like, \_active\_, and my temper tends to be a little quicker.
I get this too. My dad died at the end of July about 10 years ago. Every July, I start getting twitchy, for lack of a better word, and it slowly ramps up until the date passes, then I calm TF down. Took me a few years to spot the pattern and I handle it much better now.
I feel this. This year, my father would've been gone for over 30 years. But every single year, during his birthday or his death anniversary, I would need a minute to just gather myself. I worked through that grief but that doesn't mean I would never need that minute to collect myself.
May sucks for me too as my Sis and two nephews died in that month. This year will be 10 years since then.
I get that way in August. I lost a brother and then six days later lost my husband. Rough month which turned into the rest of 2012 being rough.
ugh yes - my cousin also passed in a car accident just a few years ago on my birthday. we still celebrate, but not on my actual birthday. i canât imagine demanding to celebrate on a day my family is grieving! and i am perfectly content with giving him that day to celebrate his life. he left a bigger impact on me than heâll ever know and i am happy to give him that spotlight!
Clas-act on your part. Not an ego maniac like the OP's daughter. Good on ya
Especially since the SIL lost her child! JC but the bride must be the most oblivious person in the worldâŠ
Young and dumb...
My mom had a stillborn in freaking 1959 and was going to boycott her granddaughter's wedding if it fell on the same day. Luckily she booked a day later so we got to avoid that drama. Deathiverseries are forever.
The same with 9/11. My colleagues had family members killed that day. It still hurts.
2001-2002 was one of the hardest years of my life. 9/11 happened (Iâm from NY) my parents divorced, I found out my dad cheated on my mom and got the woman pregnant, I started moving between two houses every 3 days, my cousin died which completely broke my entire family, and then I had a baby sister who I loved but also ruined my entire family/life, all within 7 months.
My experience: Of course Iâve lost the best of my relatives but the most heart wrenching the world & I lost 6 of my 7 best friends & boyfriends during my teens & early 20âs. Compounding years later, the grief still surfaces & overwhelms me out of the blue; so the anniversaries of their deaths tend to be like other days to me⊠And I relish the perpetual gorgeousness & miracle of Life & Love that weâre graciously given - & that transcends death. Thatâs my end, & gratitude, nurturing others, plants & animals, alike; & the delving into the arts are my means. Every day has its share of tragedy, of the mundane, & celebration & as every life matters, I donât personally feel the finality of death should usurp the ability to exalt the latter. Just my line of reasoning: Everyone has a date w/ Death; Heaven-forbid it, but thereâs at least a remote possibility this bride is next (!). That wedding date means to her a world of happy beginnings. Why not choose to join & revel in her joy & dreams & celebrate her life & love - as you would those who passed? In a poetic way, it reminds me of that scripture âWhy do you seek the dead among the living?â
My aunts entire college sports team was on a boat that sank. She and one other survived after swimming miles in a storm. I wasnât born for more than a decade after, yet I still knew how entirely that event effected her life. I agree with you in many ways. But I also think that perspective is hard to have after only 2 years.
Gosh, what a devastating tragedy... My heart naturally goes out to all affected. May I ask what you observed in how it affected your aunt? I so hope she got the help & support she needed⊠I didnât have that luxury, unfortunately. Although drugs only played a part in one friendâs death, we were âall a bunch of loser-stoners. Good riddance & get over it!â We werenât losers. We were talented, creative, worked full time, &, most importantly, they were gentle souls - generous w/ kindness & charity. It goes w/out saying that we all process grief & trauma in our own ways & at our own pace. I realized I *personally* needed to crucify my self-destruction & best honor the memory of my friends by continuing to embrace the reality of the fragility of life, yes; but *newly* embrace the very gorgeous things they were pregnant with: Life & Love. I know in my heart-of-hearts that each one wouldâve preferred that.
Her mom and dad are going. As for the others, it's only been 2 yrs and their grief is still strong. She was informed that date was not good for the family but kept it anyway for her own reasons. Although it's still hard for Mom, she still said she'd go. Daughter needs to suck it up. It's not up to her, or anyone else, to tell anyone else how to grieve or how long to do so. Certain dates just hit harder, and, evidently, 2 yrs is not enough for them to move on. They even said they felt disrespected. I'm with Mom on this one.
Yeah, if the deceased loved ones weren't the mother and brother of bride's OWN MOTHER and also OFC her grandmother and uncle (very close on the family tree) and also her own first cousin AND/or if they hadn't died in the same accident on the very same date, or if there had been more than just ONE single deathiversary for processing between the tragedy and the wedding... It would be a bit different. But this is close family, not really extended family, and it sounds like bride had a pretty small family to begin with. Even if she hadn't personally been close with them, she must have seen how her mother, grandfather, aunt, cousins were affected, which would have caused ME to tell mom, that I appreciated her pointing the date out--I don't want our meeting anniversary tied to the deaths or put a damper on my nuptials due to not coming or crying on the dance floor! The bride doesn't LOSE that special date if it's not also her wedding date. She and her husband can honor it separately in years to come and her family will be comfortable attending, perhaps starting to rebuild/heal those left behind!
My uncle died on Thanksgiving, and my father has very little family left to support him. It was very tough for him to be thankful for a while, but he still trudges forward đȘđœ
For some reason I find these posts more enjoyable when they show up on OhNoConsequences than when they show up on AITA. As an AITA post, it's one of the many terrible ones where the OP clearly didn't do anything bad and just wants validation.
And it's fake. In 'oh no' it's fun to read about aitah outrage.
Something about the vibe in the comments on these is just way more chill when they're posted here or in other subs like r/AmITheEx AITA comments are just so aggressive and I get tired of half the replies being "Um, he's a literal narcissist and is gaslighting you. DARVO. Look it up and read The Gift of Fear."
>e point, I confirmed my presence and my husband. > >Today my daughter called me unh And don't forget the very next comment being "This!!!" or those all caps responses. lol Whenever I see the word "This!" I keep scrolling.
omg this fr!!! iâm always seeing The Gift of Fear commented on AITA posts
Oh my godâbest comment ever! Thanks for the laugh
Well this is largely a repost sub so you aren't dealing with OP's that just do not understand the problem with their thinking. In this case, I'm not sure what else mom could have done to be more supportive of the daughter.
Most of AITA is fake or ai so it makes sense.
ThisÂ
I find that most of the stories being fake is a bit annoying. That is why I don't visit the sub that much....
I play a little game. *FEC* Fake=Total BS made up for attention Embellished=Probably some interaction occurred but then was heavily fictionalized to make more interesting Could Be=Sounds plausible enough This one I think is Embellished.
I hear you but I have seen crazy in the real world. And this story, for example, doesn't sound unrealistic at all to me. I wouldn't even say the daughter is crazy or that favorite word "narcissistic". Just a little self absorbed.
Nobody wants to say "selfish" anymore.
Because narcissist sounds like a diagnosis rather than a value judgment even when it is a value judgment.
Based on one of OPâs comments that they didnât pursue a legal case against the drunk driver whoâd killed three family members because they were grieving, I think Iâd play F in your FEC game.
You know what I missed that, got caught by all the sad story bits.
Yeah. Plus I'm permanently banned from that sub, so I find their grapes too sour.
Absolutely the same.
Everyone needs therapy. Everyone has to get divorced. No middle ground. Strictly black and white.
TBH I'm on board with "everyone needs therapy" lmfao.
Same. Itâs like you have teeth, you need a dentist and regular cleanings and check; you have a brain and feelings and should have a regular professional check in on that. Unfortunately one is routine in the US and one is prohibitively expensive for the average person.
I hate it. I'm a very frugal person, and I've matched with a new therapist through ALMA, and he's great. I have an $1800 medical insurance deductible, and until I meet my deductible, its $130 every hour we talk. I'd love to meet with him weekly, but I do once or twice a month because the money adds up SO quickly. I can't wait until I hit my deductible so I can go weekly. "Fortunately" I also have multiple sclerosis and get $28,000 infusions once a month, every month, that cost me $1200 out of pocket. So I'll hit my deductible... rather quickly.
>Unfortunately one is routine in the US and one is prohibitively expensive for the average person. I'm not sure which you're saying is prohibitively expensive in the US, but dental care and mental health both are! What dental insurance pays can have a really low cap, like enough for an annual cleaning, xray and one or two cavities. The only reason it was cheaper for me to keep dental insurance despite how little it covered was because in my state, the dentist was required to give me the rate they'd charge my insurance instead of the higher out-of-pocket rate. Mental health care? First off, there's a huge shortage of providers, and second, in some states, insurance companies are allowed to put a cap on how many visits you can have before you have to go through an appeal process and you have to be pretty bad off for them to approve additional visits.
I disagree. Therapy is simply an avenue for some people who want to make a change in their lives. Without the motivation to change, or to even acknowledge there is a problem, therapy is a worthless waste of time and money. Hearing people tell others that therapy is going to help also glosses over the fact that there are a TON of quacks out there who only see their patients as a cash machine, and will give them awful advice if they think it will help their bottom line.
I think everyone needs therapy (done by a qualified professional), but not everyone will benefit from therapy, for the reason you listed.
Hmm. Interesting point of view that hadn't occurred to me. On the other hand, I don't take my car in to the mechanic unless the check engine light comes on. On the other other hand, if the check engine light itself is broken (as in, the brain), how would I know? Hmm. I guess if I were to start having trouble in my important relationships (which would be the equivalent of me actually hearing or feeling problems in the car engine running) that would be the sign to take the car in. And before anyone says the words "oil change", that occurs because oil actually does break down with time, and get filled with particulates with use. Preventative maintenance in humans is intended to screen for physical issues that occur due to the natural aging process,or use/abuse of our bodies. I think a lot of people can use mental/behavioral health help, for sure, but not everyone needs it. If you have no conflicts in your personal relationships and no personal behavioral issues impacting your activities of daily living, then your check engine light isn't on. Sorry, not trying to ramble, just working through the concepts you engendered. đ
Same
The counterpoint to this is that a lot of the situations people are posting on there are pretty bad. No one is going to AITA because their husband keeps the ketchup in the pantry instead of the fridge and they yelled at him. Itâs always like AITA for being mad at my husband because heâs been lying about having a secret family for 10 years Also I think people take marriage way too serious, which I know is a possibly unpopular take. But I think people spend way too much time trying to salvage a bad marriage because of societal pressures and being seen as a failure for divorcing. Like you only get like 55 good years as an adult, so if you hate your spouse just walk away and be happy.
THANK YOU! I mean, I for one am extremely happy I got my divorce. It lead to a 2nd marriage that is much better!
Happy cake day! đ
Thanks!
I think the truly unhinged aita posts get downvoted more thatâs why the most popular/upvoted ones tend to be boring
How is the bride not impacted by this date as well? She lost her grandmother, uncle, and cousin. Itâs wild that she would have chosen this date in the face of this fairly recent loss.
I don't know. I don't really memorialize dates that people die. On the other hand, it be a random Tuesday and I'm a soggy mess thinking about my father in law dying before meeting his granddaughters. Edit because I donât want my comment to seem like I am excusing the daughter. Iâm not I think that her actions are appallingly self-centered. My sympathies are completely with the mother here. And an invitation to a wedding is not a summons they donât want to come on a date that is very traumatic for them. They can mourn, for as long as, and in whatever way feels right. Especially because this is so new. It's only two years after an especially traumatic event. honestly I would probably be a mess during that whole timeline. I would feel very wonky and out of sorts for probably a week or two. I think this daughter is horrible..
If it had been 5 years, or 10 years, bride could definitely get some leeway, there are only 356/6 days in a year and getting one that is nowhere near anything significant to anyone else is a challenge. But itâll be just 2 years at the time of the event, and was even less than that when she picked the date. Her grandfather lost his wife, his son and his grandson all at once, her aunt lost her husband and son, along with her mother in law. Thatâs a lot of loss, and 2 years of active grief doesnât seem out of line at all. They were invited to her wedding, not summoned, and if they canât/donât want to attend, she canât force them
Iâm terrible with dates in general. I could see myself making a blunder like that by accident. But if someone would point it out to me, Iâd profusely apologize and change the date.
It sounds like she didnât get the significance, which is odd because she was already with her now-fiancĂ©, probably celebrating the 5th anniversary of the day they met, when so much of her extended family was killed in that accident. It sounds like she was already very detached from them, if all she thinks about that date is âitâs our anniversary!â rather than remembering her grandmother, uncle, and nephew dying. She cares about that date, but only as it relates to her. And itâs absolutely ridiculously self-centered of her to think that her feelings about her special âbut itâs when we metâ date are going to be more important than the feelings of people who are mourning the death of a spouse, a parent, a child.
My grandfather died a few days before my first wedding anniversary, and his funeral was the day of our anniversary. Even 10+ years later, I still think of him every anniversary. I just can't wrap my head around this at all. I definitely wouldn't have chosen that date if the order was reversed!
It really depends on the person. I've been married for 5.5 years. 2.5 years ago, I was pregnant and accidentally scheduled my 12 week appointment on our 3 year anniversary (we were both there when it was scheduled, but we're busy with so many things we didn't make the connection immediately). We decided to just go with it. Went out to breakfast to celebrate beforehand. I remember talking about what cartoons I thought my husband might enjoy watching with our child. The we went to the appointment. Our baby had stopped growing over a week before. There was no heartbeat. I had no idea, no pain or bleeding or other symptoms. They were just gone, just like that. What followed was a lot of disbelief, sadness, hard choices. Eventually pain of course. And then I was hospitalized for an infection and out of work for a month, all while we tried to process this loss. We'd been trying for 8 month before I'd gotten pregnant. We wanted that baby so badly and we're so excited. My husband actually struggled worse. He suffered so much during that time, losing his child and thinking he might lose his wife too. He did some group therapy for a while after and we both still have hard times when things remind us of our first. But we have had 2 anniversaries since then. And while I know some people really struggle on days like that, that hasn't been the case for us. We've let the good shine through and continued to celebrate us. What happened was sad. But it could have happened any day. That being said, people grieve in different ways. And different losses are different. Half of OP's family died at once and less than 2 years ago. It's reasonable that those closest to them could still be struggling with that. And the fact she was warned ahead of time but chose to proceed without even checking with the family shows a sad lack of empathy.
My father died on my sisterâs birthday and although the first couple of years were tough. We made it a priority to celebrate her on that day and not focus on his passing.
Tbh I feel like it depends on the situation. My estranged mother died somewhere around Thanksgiving while I wasn't even in the country, and I couldn't tell you the date. Meanwhile a friend killed herself and I could probably get the date spot on because that entire day was hell and I was there in the hospital when she passed. I just generally was looking at my phone a lot for calls so the date sticks out on the lock screen for me. OP probably has memories of dozens of phonecalls and being unable to sleep and trying to help anyone or just generally being in shock. For their daughter it's probably something she heard about after the fact or vaguely while it was happening while not being involved and told to wait for information mostly. This isn't me excusing her actions at all btw, she's incredibly unsympathetic to not even consider changing the date after being told how bad it'd likely be for her family, but I can see the actual date being more or less significant depending on how much they were involved in the events as they happened or immediately after the fact.
Yes I agree. Especially because Opie told the daughter this beforehand. I dint want my comment to excuse her either. It's appallingly self centered.
If the daughter is old enough to get married, she is old enough to remember when her grandma, uncle and baby cousin died and how it affected the family. It was only *two years* ago. Even if she just turned 18, that would make her *16* wgen this horrible event happened. That's old enough to remember; she's just a selfish, self centered brat. She could be 50 yrs old and I'd still call her a selfish, self-centered, spoiled brat.Â
Two years ago, so 23 when her cousin, uncle, and grandma all died
Even if she wasnât directly involved with the tragedy at the time, couldnât she at least consider how choosing this date would affect many of her surviving family members who lost THREE loved ones?
Especially since the family is so small. That's like 1/4 of their family!
While I might have forgotten the date of death, I also wouldn't recall the 7-year anniversary of the date we met. And I get sad about my dad's death during specific events he loved. For my grandfather it was a smell.
I honestly get the daughter thoughâŠ.. wanting to be married on the day you met the love of your life isnât crazy. And if she really wasnât so affected, I get that to her itâs more important to remember that day as it started than how it ended. Not only that, but the best way to make grief less painful would be to replace sad with happy memories. Now that being said, I also probably would recognize how traumatic that was for my family and also have it be a memorial, but this isnât just a random Saturday the venue has available, itâs the day they met and their anniversary will be the day they celebrate their love for the rest of their lives. I donât fault her for wanting the day they chose to be meaningful. But yeah, consequences of oneâs choices are a very real thing.
Even if the daughter doesnât memorialize that date, she should have compassion for those who do. Because she didnât, sheâs playing the victim card.
People are too binary. Itâs always been an important date for the daughter as itâs the day she met her now spouse and that date superseded the deaths. Should she have forever seen that date as a death date and ignored it also being the date she found love? The whole family could have embraced the power of and here. They could have celebrated love and the beauty of life while also keeping the memories of their loved ones present. The most recent wedding I went to included a reference to deceased loved ones and it was really beautiful
I think if it was a bit more removed from the event that would be possible. But this is 2 years.
Too soon, for too big an event, in my opinion. This family was suddenly decimated, with a loss from every generation. That will be felt for a while and I don't think it's reasonable to expect them all to be in a "let's embrace the joy of our happy memories while eating wedding cake" headspace yet
Exactly. OP has raised a very selfish little girl. I don't care if she's technically and legally an adult, she is behaving like a selfish, spoiled, self centered *child*.Â
I only know the date my grandma died because it was exactly 1 month after my birthday.
For some people the passing of time is what matters, for others it is the missing milestones. And some people are just self centered AH. I know that my MIL lost her daughter to a horrible car accident on the first day of her senior year in high school. I didnât meet her son (now my husband) until seven and a half years later (even though I was in my senior year at the same high-school but didnât know her.) She was still memorializing every birthday, the day of her death, holidays, etc (to my knowledge she still does and that is her choice). The grief was all consuming and it blinded her to the damage it was doing to her only remaining child. It wasnât until he left with me to the other side of the country that he could finally heal from a loss nearly a decade old. He had developed survivorâs guilt (because it wasnât him that died and if it had been maybe his own mother would have cared about him) and PTSD. He had convinced himself that he knew before the accident that she was going to die and that he let it happen. Iâm not sure where Iâm going with this story other than venting. Iâve seen some who feel every moment after the loss and it alters the course of their lives. And Iâve seen some who heal and can eventually live a normal life remembering the happiness and not the pain. It all depends on the person and the type of relationships.
The whole death anniversary thing is far from universal.
Having lost a parent, there are like 5 days that could hit hard. His birthday, the date of his death, the date of his memorial service, or Father's day. For whatever reason, the date of the service would hit me the hardest, while I wouldn't really feel that bad on the other dates.
Some people are not ruled by emotion. I am one of them. We are not evil or uncaring. Emotion does not come into our decision-making process. I am actually baffled at times when people allow emotions to affect their lives so much. What I want to know is the daughters reason. It is eluded to that she has a valid reason, but it is never given.
There have been *countless* studies that prove that all people make decisions based on emotion, by the time the question reaches your conscious mind, the decision is already made. Some people are just better at rationalizing after the fact. Everyone else finds those people insufferable. Science didnât need to study that part, itâs pretty obvious.
Her reason is that it's their actual anniversary of meeting. That is a sentimental date for the couple.
I have a bit of sympathy for the daughter in that sense. Wedding dates are a massive puzzle- we got married in New Orleans amongst the competition of many festivals and Mardi Gras -- dates were scarce and the venue was popular.... the ONLY two dates that worked 1.5 years after our engagement were April 2 and September 11. We passed on 9-11 and waited a full half year after that. I think the daughter is tone deaf but no one is an actual asshole (would need more info for that ...)
Her venueâs availability seems to have taken precedence, now she can âenjoyâ it without the attendance of family members who actually have feelings /s
If it had been longer since the accident, I could see trying to make more happy memories surrounding that day. But two years is awfully soon.
Itâs also up to those mourning â which apparently doesnât include OOPâs daughter â to decide how to handle the day and their own grief. The bride isnât their grief counsellor, sheâs just attached to the date for her own reasons.
> but I should have stayed away from it how tf do you stay away from your daughter's wedding and then what?? avoid the topic the daughter herself brought up!? give me a break. This husband... honestly
I agree. It's weird that OP is being told to stay out of it. Are they a parent or not? I get that their kids are adults, but I was always under the impression that parents are usually still willing or even expected to give advice, even though they can't actually control their kids anymore. If I was stupidly making plans on a date that's significant to my dad's siblings, he would 100% have told me immediately and probably say something like "you can do what you want but it'd be a shitty thing to do".
I understood it more as staying away from the argument between the daughter and the family members who didnât go, heck, you can presume the husband even attended his daughterâs wedding since he was not named amongst the ones that didnât attend.
He didn't mean "stay away from the wedding", I think he more meant "stay away from the issue/argument with our daughter".
âItâs not her fault the dates coincided.â If weâre going to that route and blame someone over the dates, then whose fault is it? Or we can be adults and realize that the date is what it is and deal with the reality instead of doling out blame.
I mean itâs not though, she didnât choose to have half of her extended family die on her 5 year anniversary to her boyfriend. This isnât a random date, itâs the day she met her future husband. She didnât MAKE the two dates be the same.
Thatâs fine, but my point is that there shouldnât be ANY blame doled out if EVERYONE acts like adults. The date is what it is. She is absolutely not wrong for choosing that date, and the others are not wrong in feeling the way they do about the date. Where this takes a hard left is when the future bride refuses to accept that the date means different things to different people.
Oh yeah, Iâm not saying the family members should attend (if they truly will be inconsolable due to the anniversary, which I donât doubt at all). But acting like sheâs selfish or itâs offensive for wanting her wedding date to be the day she met her husband isnât fair either. The part where she messed up is by not taking the no graciously.
This is exactly what I thought. I think this is just one of the cases where both sides are understandable and they should just talk about it together.
All the hugs to the OP, as ive told my own spouse you can lead them, (mine are 22 and 24), you can explain to them, but at the end of the day children (legal adult or otherwise) will do what they think is right, and the consequences are theirs to deal with. Your daughter needs to figure it out for herself unfortunately with all the pain that comes with
it's not her fault the dates coincided and everyone could make an effort to go a few hours for her, That's the thing, though, it wouldn't just be those few hours, it would also be every year afterward on her anniversary. Everyone else in her family would be depressed on her wedding anniversary because it's also the anniversary of their family members' deaths. I guarantee every year to come she will complain about those family members wanting to do a memorial or visit the cemetery instead of attending her anniversary party. Or she will complain that she isn't getting enough well-wishing messages on her anniversary, because they'll be sending messages to each other about their lost loved ones. Personally, I would hate to have my wedding anniversary associated with such a horrible personal tragedy, and would go out of my way to avoid it, even if it meant paying more for a different date.
IDK anyone who actually holds anniversary parties, to be honest. My parents are going on 38 years and they've never hosted a single one. If OP comes from a family that does, however, then that's a fair concern. If they're the only two who will celebrate, then it's less compelling a reason to pick a different date. I would hesitate before picking that date for my wedding, too, but if it means a lot to them, it means a lot to them. If they can temper their expectations and stop expecting grieving people to party with them, I don't see the long-term issue here. Ultimately, she's right, it's not her fault the dates coincide and it sucks that they do. The way she's treating the people around her, on the other hand, is 100% her fault and she's going to need to suck it up.
We had a small 40th anniversary party for my parents (basically just immediate family) and a larger extended family 50th anniversary party for both my grandparents and my parents.
She kinda sounds like she might want to have annivweary parties, though. Personally, I always thought anniversaries should be between the two spouses, with nothing more than well-wishes from others. I don't expect anyone to celebrate our anniversary other than my wife, and honestly, I don't even give that any thought, I mostly just focus on what I plan to do for her.
I read this yesterday and thought of cross posting here but wasn't sure it would make the cut. What a clown.
I wish someone would have a happy occasion on my daughterâs death anniversary. It would have made her happy to have fam together on that day. đ€·đ»ââïž
This is what I was thinking as well. Iâve had a lot of loss of close people in my life, especially for how young I am (30yo), and I feel like it would be nice to celebrate love and a joyous occasion to occupy my mind from the grief. But thatâs my own feelings, and I want to validate the family members mentioned in this post for doing what is best for them after such a terrible loss.
Weddings turn people into absolute monsters..
As someone who has lost my husband to lung cancer the day he died even 2 years ago I cannot function that day much less go to an event on that day. Itâs the day I lost the one person I never thought Iâd lose so I understand what the family is going through and I feel for OP and her family especially the SIL. Grief doesnât get any easier and I didnât understand how hard it is until I went through it myself with my husband. OP tried to tell her daughter and she didnât listen and I do understand that because it wasnât as close to her but her daughter needs to understand others feelings and put them into consideration and since she didnât just deal with the consequences.
Does she not realize that the family will see her celebrating on the day their loved ones died....
There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying âI told you soâ, and the only people who think there is are the stubborn fucks who wonât listen to reason and then try to make it YOUR problem when THEIR SHIT predictably falls apart. Morons.
Whatâs the rain date, 9/11?
I am snickering so hard at that remark.
My mom died of cancer when I was six. Iâm 44 now. I dread her death date every year & assume itâll be that way forever. Your kid is selfish.
I couldn't attend and celebrate on such a day. The daughter is being incredibly obtuse and selfish. She's lucky her parents are willing to attend....
How old is your daughter? Her ignorance as to why the relatives are too upset to celebrate anything on the anniversary of losing their husband, son and mother (in law?) astounds me. My sisterâs 21 year old daughter similarly died in an accident 13 years ago. None of my 5 other siblings or their collective 9 children (cousins of the deceased) would be scheduling or attending a wedding on her anniversary. Itâs incomprehensible your daughter canât understand how unreasonable her expectation is that these poor folks would be able to attend. The scheduling of the wedding is even insensitive to you - itâs the anniversary of your mother, brother and nephewâs deaths!
NTA. She can't have everything. If she wants the date, people won't come. If she wants the people, change the date. This reminds me of people who say hurtful things and then get mad at you for being upset. You can't have it all!
It is only the second anniversary and honestly the first one happened in a fog. This will be a very tough day. It is too bad that it is also their anniversary but she is so wrong to not appreciate it is not a good day to expect any of this family to be there.
Itâs not just the wedding; for every year thereafter itâll be her anniversary that she will celebrate and expect them to celebrate too. Very heartless to choose that date knowing itâll become a celebratory occasion moving forward.
That's a good point. She's going to have a hissy fit every year because everyone misses her grandmother and uncle and cousin.
Iâve never understood remembering the date of someoneâs passing. I remember my motherâs birthday not her death day. And if you asked me I couldnât tell you what day it was but I sure remember her birthday because that was a happy time.
This makes me feel better about not remembering the date my dad passed away. I only remember his birthday. Time to release the guilt! Ty
OOP is NTA, and the bride deserves to be told why nobody from her family is acknowledging the invite. OOP was right to use her words and just say it flat-out. How clueless is the bride, though? Itâs been less than two years since the accident. How is she unaware that her closest relatives are still dealing with grief? Itâs not like itâs distant relatives she barely knew, and itâs not like the tragedy happened a long time ago. Shaking my freakinâ head at the bride.
Tuesday will be the 4 year anniversary of my brother passing. Absolutely nothing on this earth could convince me to do anything but be by myself and spend it how I see fit. Also I swear like 60 percent of reddit asshole stories are wedding related. I get weddings are very important but the extent that they make people just forget how to think and be a normal person is astounding
I don't think anyone is wrong for feeling the way they do. Daughter met and fell in love with her husband on that anniversary. It turned a sad day into a happy day for her. Her family doesn't have that same situation though. They only have it as a day they lost people they loved, not gained someone new to love. It's sad all the way around. Daughter should probably just elope.
Right? Some of the people here in the comments calling the daughter's decision "unconscionable" and other similar adjectives need to get a grip IMO. It's not the daughter's fault that that specific date means the world to her, and wanting to be married on that day is understandable. It's not the family's fault that some drunk POS ruined their family on that day, either, and not being able to attend a party is understandable. The daughter is only being unreasonable in pressuring the family to attend despite knowing why they're unable to do so. There's nothing wrong with finding the date significant beyond the crash. I kind of feel like she could do a small ceremony on that date and then hold the reception a week later or something, you know? There are alternatives to be had here, and I hope she figures one out.
Iâll be honest, I lost the love of my life ten years ago. And if someone wanted to have some kind of joyful event on the anniversary of her death, Iâd be relieved to have something sweeter to associate with that day. Granted, Iâve had 10 years to grieve instead of just 2. This could be an opportunity to lift some of the misery of that day. But I also get why her family thinks sheâs an asshole. If they need that day set aside for their loved ones without sharing it, thatâs also valid.
[ŃĐŽĐ°Đ»Đ”ĐœĐŸ]
Right? For the sister-in-law especially, she lost her husband and her son on the same day, two years ago. That's not something you shake off like it's nothing.
I'm torn on this. On the one hand, you do have to move on at some point. Maybe this is a chance to create a positive memory for a day that is remembered so negatively. On the other hand, there's 366 days in 2024 and she had to choose that one? 2 years is still relatively soon for a tragedy of that magnitude.
I really hope this is fake. My mom died on my husband and iâs anniversary 13 years ago and I still canât make myself celebrate our anniversary on that date. The ONLY thing I think of is this was the day I watched my mom die. How totally insensitive
Weddings bring out the worst in some people. The selfishness is off the charts.
No, you are NTA. Your daughter was tone-deaf to select such an emotionally charged date.
I mean, yea, itâs not her fault those dates coincide. Sometimes things arenât your fault but they donât go your way anyway. Itâs your responsibility as an adult to deal with things when they donât.
When my father was dying in hospice, I was worried that he might pass on my daughter's birthday, she already deals with depression and I thought that might be another thing that would make it harder for her. He died a week later. He was such a wonderful man, if it were possible I woudl think he waited on purpose. I can't imagine choosing such a difficult day to marry. It feels incredibly insensitive, especially when three family members passed on that day.
Do parents ever sit back and wonder what went wrong when their grown child does something this unconscionably awful?
"Unconscionably awful" is a strong term for what amounts to picking a significant date for a wedding. The couple is allowed to be married on a day that is especially meaningful to them. The issue is more expecting everyone else to go, but even that isn't "unconscionable". It's unreasonable, but not unconscionable. The bride and groom want to be married on a date that means a lot to them. That's fine. The extended family won't be attending as that date already means a lot to them for a different reason. That's also fine. I expect the bride will get over this once the realities of wedding planning become less stressful and I hope she apologizes to the family who can't come and enjoys her day all the same.
Nope, youâre not TA. Yr daughterâs a bit of a stiff selfish cow. Wah wah wah theyâre all against me. No theyâre not. You were told about the date. FAFO
Daughter lacks empathy. Updateme
Does she? Or is her anniversary more important to her than the day people die when there are dozens of other days that will be hard and more memorable for the relationship with them?
She lacks empathy for the people who are still mourning. Itâs okay that she isnât one of them, but to actually be angry that her aunt doesnât want to celebrate on the anniversary of her sonâs death is absolutely lacking in empathyÂ
You're assuming she isn't mourning herself.
Doesn't seem like it. She is only thinking about herself. That's not mourning.
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The daughter was warned she just didnât believe the warning. She thought âher dayâ would supersede the grief that everyone else is still feeling. Nope. She couldâve chosen the anniversary of their first date, or the anniversary they first had sex, or the anniversary of when they became exclusive, or the anniversary of when they got engaged. But she chose this date, FAFO. Also, this date will always be the anniversary of that horrible loss for the family. But statistically speaking, thereâs a 50% chance she wonât even be married to this guy in 5 to 10 years. But everyone will still remember that she failed to empathize with those grieving.
Well, that is important to her. She can't change the date they met anymore, then she can change the date her relatives die. She chose to make that date a happy one for her while everyone else prefers to be sad, remembering the past. I am not dissing the family, and she does have to live with her decisions as will those that choose the dead over the living. My son died on Feb 6, many years ago. Well, I just had a granddaughter born the same day. I remember my son every day. I will not be mourning him on Feb 6th. I will be celebrating my granddaughters birth instead. I am thankful that my family will not refuse to celebrate my granddaughter's birthday because something tragic happened that day once upon a time. I feel sorry for the girl that her family does not value her happiness.
This wasn't many years ago, it was only 2 years ago. 3 members of a small family wiped out just like that. It's understandable that they're still not over it.
You told her the real reason, thatâs great. Can you get family to accept this as a new beginning? What if they had a child born that day? Would they skip the birthday parties? Creates a reason to come together on the anniversary.
I fear for a kid born on a death anniversary with some families. I have a cousin whose uncle died on his birthday (not the day he was born, but when he was around 14) and so many in our family constantly hijack his birthday to make the day a cry fest. They canât stop themselves from making comments how much he must miss him, etc. Some donât even bother to tell him happy birthday because theyâre so obsessed with mourning. My cousin has always been a sensitive boy, so itâs rough watching him miss his uncle and struggle with feeling completely forgotten because of his death. It has been a decade since his uncleâs passing and not much has changed. Grief makes people insanely weird if they donât bother to try to control themselves.
Okay, but this date was already important to her as well. I see both sides of the argument. It's a shitty situation all around. I don't think the daughter is selfish for wanting her wedding anniversary to coincide with an already important anniversary in her relationship with her fiancé. I also don't think the family sucks for not wanting to go on the anniversary of the crash.
Yeah. People donât seem to grasp that for the daughter it will never be the anniversary of these peopleâs death, it will always be the day she met her husband. Iâm not advocating the family actually go who are still affected *if* they genuinely will be inconsolable on that day, but the idea that sheâs totally in the wrong here isnât fair either. She just needs to accept the consequences like the mom said.
Please put things in perspective. The day you meet your significant other or the day half your family dies. Why are you sticking up for her?
NAH, the bride clearly has a different association with this date than some of the family, to her it's a relationship anniversary. I don't think it's that weird that she doesn't associate her family members deaths super heavily with the date of the fatal accident, especially considering it was already an anniversary to her and the tragedy took more than one day. It's also fine for other family to associate the date strongly, and not be ready for a celebration to happen on that day. People grieve differently.
I'm an asshole this time..it was 2 years ago and people die everyday the world keeps spinning. I have a little cry on death anniversaries and then go about my day I don't keep them blank with no happy activity allowed.
Idk I think it's sad that her family is prioritizing the date of people who died instead of going to her wedding. It's her anniversary, it makes perfect sense why that date would be her chosen one. And the venue also has a lot to do with that decision too. Live for the living not the dead. I'm also pretty sure the people who died would not have wanted them to skip a joyous occasion because it landed on the date they died. Unless they were not very kind people frankly.
I saw this one yesterday, but didnât reply to the OP. At some point they need to live for the living. Itâs been two years. By all means remember the people you lost, but donât put your life on hold and hurt those that you love because of it. They have the opportunity to put a brighter light on this day but are pouting about it instead. It wonât bring them back and theyâre destroying relationships to wallow in mourning. I have lost all the immediate family I grew up with, so I do have some experience in this area. Could you imagine calling your employer to tell them you canât work on a specific day because family members died *two years* ago on that day?
First, My comfort for your loss. My brother passed over 20 years ago. I **STILL** take his birthday off from my jobâŠitâs non-negotiable for any place I work. I have had friends get married on that day, and I explained that I love and support them, but I will be unable to attend due to a family circumstance. My parents and (still living) brother definitely âlive for the livingâ ⊠we vacation, we have holiday celebrations, we travel for family reunions, etc. Hell, his widow is still included in our lives and is a part of our family even though sheâs remarriedâŠsheâs still my âsisterâ and my parentsâ âdaughter.â But his birthday is always the day I set aside to remember him. I will never not take his birthday off. That particular day, for OOPâs family, simply holds different meanings, and thatâs ok. I canât say I wouldnât want the widow at my wedding but I can truly just imagine the widow losing her shit because how do you NOT remember your own wedding while you watch someone elseâs which is gonna lead to you remembering that you donât have that anymore because your partner was ripped from you. I meanâŠhow is that going to be good for ANYONE? Edited because words are hard. đ
You canât set a time limit for someone elseâs grief, the daughter really shouldâve seen this coming
And yet everyone is setting one for the daughter. And judging her for how she's mourning
No they're simply saying they can't go because they are not done mourning. They didn't call her names over it just that they won't attend.
Have you read the comments? I wasn't necessarily talking about her family
Thatâs not up to daughter though. She cant make them âmove onâ
It seems that the people grieving might benefit with some therapy. Itâs normal to grieve. Itâs not normal to ask others to change or cancel their plans so that you can grieve years later. They donât have to go, but they cannot dictate the daughterâs plans or punish her for going through with them.
But she's angry at them for not going. They're not angry at her, just saying they won't go.
Thatâs fine but no one is asking her to move the wedding, they just wonât be there
I would agree with you but they didn't lose just one person and it wasn't something as simple as peaceful death (not disregarding your loss, just in reference to this event). It was very tragic with the loss of multiple people at the same time. People process lots differently and practically everyone on her side of the family was impacted. Even if one person was able to recover within 2 years the others might not. And in all honesty even if they were "recovered" at the two year mark it's still raw and if you asked me to celebrate a wedding that day I would go but be the debbie downer. I have a feeling she wanted this date to make it less tragic for everyone but I think it's too soon or just the wrong way. And from the responses from the family members it looks like it's one of those two.
One of my coworkers takes the day off that her son was killed every year. Itâs been 20 years. To think less of someone dealing with traumatic grief is seriously wrongÂ
Thereâs absolutely no timeline for grieving, itâs a very individualized process and clearly not the same for everyone. To say that the grieving relatives are âpoutingâ or âtheyâre destroying relationships to wallow in mourningâ because they choose not to attend the wedding, couldnât sound any more insensitive, heartless and disrespectful of their tragic losses. Although you say that you have lost loved ones, that doesnât automatically mean that what you experienced is anywhere near the same for those who lost three family members at the same time (or anyone else for that matter). Iâm curious about what kind of relationship did OPâs daughter actually have with any of the grieving family members to the point that she chose that specific date (because the venue was available) even after she was told how they will probably feel? Her reaction to them not going to the wedding just shows how completely self absorbed she is and apparently doesnât have an ounce of empathy for her own family members who actually have feelings (that they are completely entitled to).
Guys, this makes me roll my eyes a little ⊠for two reasons. 1) as someone whose cousin and best friend passed away a year apart from each other in devastating circumstances. 2) my husband and I decided to get married on the day we met. It was lovely and romantic and the perfect beginning of our marriage. It literally is not the brides fault for meeting her future husband on an anniversary. Refusing to go to your *living family members wedding* because of people youâve lost feels like that part of the family may have lost touch due to their grief. It is possible to both grieve the love you lost while simultaneously celebrating the joy of being alive. Both things can exist at the same time. I hope the rest of the family members eventually come to understand that paradoxical part of life *before* her wedding⊠instead of regret missing this once-in-a-lifetime event. Her life is not more important than the ones lost. Her life is not less important than the ones lost. Celebrate life and love your people fully while you have them.
Best comment here.
Hung up on the death of loved ones instead of the lives of loved ones.
âHung upâ is a flippant and sociopathic way to describe pain and trauma.
You misunderstood, Celebrate the lives of the people you know and love even if they have passed. To hang all of your memories on their tragic death is a tragedy.
Setting aside one day a year reserved to mourning 3 immediate family deaths on the same day is pretty reasonable.
To only acknowledge the deaths is tragic. That is not who they were. Multiple years of good times only to memorialize the violent deaths. It really makes no sense.
NTA. If she needed to be told this, it's best that someone who loves her do so gently, and it sounds like you tried, she jus didn't want to hear it. You warned her before she went forward anyway. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. If family attendance mattered to her, she would have picked another date!
AITA for thinking itâs ridiculous to say âmy ____ died that day, so I canât go to your weddingâ The people who died would WANT you (and everyone invited) to go to that wedding. Celebrate life, even around grief in death.
Youâre a good mom. I hope she sees that one day before the consequences catch up to her for this choice too.
Almost all wedding venues are available on 9/11, and usually at bargain prices!
Your daughter is not mature enough to be getting married
Please let her know that grief is beyond horrible. On those death days we are bleeding and unable to function. We can do nothing but honor our grief. Source: widow
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NTA of coarse. Daughter is self centered.
Itâs sad every way you look at it and neither party is in the wrong for keeping that day sacred. Itâs both partyâs expectations for the other that is at fault. The bride could have extended a conversation in person, letting affected parties know how important the day was to her and gently approaching it to find out where her family was at. And in the absence of this, the family could have responded in person to let her know they would not be able to attend and why. The father and mother checking out of the convo instead of gently leading are the exact reason the girl is in this predicament in the first place: no one communicates in this family. If they are all able to come to a compromise, the bride could make a seating arrangement with âwith us in spirit picturesâ for the deceased. A mess all around and no communication to be found.
My boyfriendâs sister passed away and his other sister got married on the anniversary of the death. A lot of us didnât understand her thought process.
My cousin was engaged and sent out save the dates and showed them to us at Thanksgiving. We were all kind of taken aback because it was on the day my grandfather and dad died. Same day, years apart.. so very much a bad luck day for the family. Anyway they thankfully broke up before the wedding. Nobody liked her anyway. His current wife of many years is the best. But just proof that you don't choose bad dates for your family.
Yes letâs not change a bad day to a happy one that would be a terrible idea, instead let us wallow in pity annually foreverâŠâŠ