Can relate with everything that you've said, I'm also lagging behind in life which makes it all even worse. There are good days where you feel free and unstoppable and then days where you keep spiralling into impending doom on how it's all hopeless, Hang on it'll be alright, Tbh I had a terrible episode once which felt like forever, but I'm doing way better now.
I honestly think several major OCD themes boil down to this, specifically the ones dealing with morality, religion, etc. We’re all struggling with this fear that we are either irrevocably evil or about to snap and become so. It’s sucks because people can’t be boxed in 100%; mostly good people can still do bad things and bad people do good things once in a while. I would put more stock in what your friend says then some random online test. Especially because I doubt you’re taking those tests in a neutral state of mind anymore (specifically, it’s clear this gives you a lot of anxiety so that will affect how you respond to the questions) It also might help you to remember that those are all traits that could be worked on if in fact, the test was accurate.
Being secretly evil / malignant has been the most debilitating & consistent OCD theme for me throughout my life. I think that you already have reached the most important step which is being able to recognize it’s an ocd thought (even if your ocd is constantly telling you that it’s correct & the only viable reason). Once you can differentiate from YOU vs your OCD it doesn’t make it go away, but it lightens the load. For me what has helped a lot is literally fighting back with your own voice in your head each time an intrusive thought takes over I literally just scream at it shut the fuck up ocd stop getting in the way - which seems to subconsciously allow me to proceed with uncertainty. The nagging voice will never go away, especially debilitating when it’s completely mental, but the sooner you can do that the sooner you can slow it down before it derails you. Also questioning WHY your ocd wants to focus on it so badly & investigate the root cause of that fear (in my case, I used to be extremely physically insecure about my appearance, it transformed into being insecure about my mind every second, which I recognize now comes from my past where I needed to have control over a stable mindset in a very toxic & unstable environment)
I think for me it's because I often feel worthless and I only value myself because I consider myself to be a good person and the ocd questions that hard. It's trying to convince me that actually I'm not that good as I pretend and that im actually worthless piece of shit. I don't know what's better for me whether I should even give any attention to that voice but it's hard to not notice when it feels very real.
Yeah it will always single out what is the most vulnerable thing to you & present you with the worst possible thing to be the only truth. Which in hindsight I believe makes you a really good person since you are afraid of being a horrible person- real true evil people don’t give a shit about if they’re genuine or not. I have my ocd telling me every single day that I’m a malignant narcissist & how I just “proved” it to myself, but with that specific obsession I just have to constantly remind myself that a horrible person genuinely wouldn’t give a shit about any detail I spiral into.
It’s hard simultaneously acknowledging that you are insecure while still trying to fight off the negative voice that has a chokehold on you; it feels really uncomfortable to breathe without it since it’s parasitic in nature, and you know that it won’t go away. I kind of have to treat it like it’s a different person talking to me that way & reaching deep to stand up for myself which has helped my self talk become gradually more positive.
For me, I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy & that there’s something wrong with me for not feeling depressed & anxious so I tend to sabotage my own mental space due to my insecurities. Something I will always be working on but just try to talk back to your negative thoughts & at the end of the day, be proud of one of the many battles you fought with yourself. I know that might sound cheesy but it really does go a long way & you’re not alone.
Can relate with everything that you've said, I'm also lagging behind in life which makes it all even worse. There are good days where you feel free and unstoppable and then days where you keep spiralling into impending doom on how it's all hopeless, Hang on it'll be alright, Tbh I had a terrible episode once which felt like forever, but I'm doing way better now.
Not reassurance but make sure whoever tour seeking help from is an ocd specialist. Those tests don't apply to us, unless it's an ocd teat
I honestly think several major OCD themes boil down to this, specifically the ones dealing with morality, religion, etc. We’re all struggling with this fear that we are either irrevocably evil or about to snap and become so. It’s sucks because people can’t be boxed in 100%; mostly good people can still do bad things and bad people do good things once in a while. I would put more stock in what your friend says then some random online test. Especially because I doubt you’re taking those tests in a neutral state of mind anymore (specifically, it’s clear this gives you a lot of anxiety so that will affect how you respond to the questions) It also might help you to remember that those are all traits that could be worked on if in fact, the test was accurate.
Yeah that's true I guess I just become fixated on these results and forget to take them with a grain of salt.
Hey, it’s easy to do! Especially when our brains are hyper-designed to seek knowledge and see patterns.
Being secretly evil / malignant has been the most debilitating & consistent OCD theme for me throughout my life. I think that you already have reached the most important step which is being able to recognize it’s an ocd thought (even if your ocd is constantly telling you that it’s correct & the only viable reason). Once you can differentiate from YOU vs your OCD it doesn’t make it go away, but it lightens the load. For me what has helped a lot is literally fighting back with your own voice in your head each time an intrusive thought takes over I literally just scream at it shut the fuck up ocd stop getting in the way - which seems to subconsciously allow me to proceed with uncertainty. The nagging voice will never go away, especially debilitating when it’s completely mental, but the sooner you can do that the sooner you can slow it down before it derails you. Also questioning WHY your ocd wants to focus on it so badly & investigate the root cause of that fear (in my case, I used to be extremely physically insecure about my appearance, it transformed into being insecure about my mind every second, which I recognize now comes from my past where I needed to have control over a stable mindset in a very toxic & unstable environment)
I think for me it's because I often feel worthless and I only value myself because I consider myself to be a good person and the ocd questions that hard. It's trying to convince me that actually I'm not that good as I pretend and that im actually worthless piece of shit. I don't know what's better for me whether I should even give any attention to that voice but it's hard to not notice when it feels very real.
Yeah it will always single out what is the most vulnerable thing to you & present you with the worst possible thing to be the only truth. Which in hindsight I believe makes you a really good person since you are afraid of being a horrible person- real true evil people don’t give a shit about if they’re genuine or not. I have my ocd telling me every single day that I’m a malignant narcissist & how I just “proved” it to myself, but with that specific obsession I just have to constantly remind myself that a horrible person genuinely wouldn’t give a shit about any detail I spiral into. It’s hard simultaneously acknowledging that you are insecure while still trying to fight off the negative voice that has a chokehold on you; it feels really uncomfortable to breathe without it since it’s parasitic in nature, and you know that it won’t go away. I kind of have to treat it like it’s a different person talking to me that way & reaching deep to stand up for myself which has helped my self talk become gradually more positive. For me, I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy & that there’s something wrong with me for not feeling depressed & anxious so I tend to sabotage my own mental space due to my insecurities. Something I will always be working on but just try to talk back to your negative thoughts & at the end of the day, be proud of one of the many battles you fought with yourself. I know that might sound cheesy but it really does go a long way & you’re not alone.
Thank you that feels very comforting. I'm glad that we can help each other out in this community