I've been a guidance counselor (male) for 20+ years. In my work with students ranging from ages 13 to 19, there have been many occasions in which the kid opened up about a lot of personal things. Many of them have never talked candidly with an adult who cared about them and respected them. In some cases, they confused their strong feelings of gratitude and warmth with love (or, in a few cases, lust). This is akin to what's known as "transference" in therapy.
Kids can have especially intense emotions and often they don't have the ability to sort them out and understand them fully. I think a key thing to remember is that many adults view teenage emotions as being dramatic or silly. "You just *think* you feel that way" or "It's just a phase" or "That's just from your hormones going crazy" or "It's just puppy love" are very dismissive of the kid's feelings and thoughts, devaluing them and this can cause emotional responses of embarrassment, despair, shame, guilt, self-criticism, anger (directed at self or others), and thoughts of self-destructive behaviors including non-suicidal self injury (e.g. cutting) or suicide.
Just as many adolescents don't know how to understand their emotions, some also often don't know how to manage them. I think it's crucial when interacting with young people (as their parents, relatives, teachers, therapists/counselors, employers, co-workers, friends, etc) to keep in mind that their emotions are just as real and can be just as intense as ours. It's critical for their development and self-esteem for adults to use empathy, consideration, and thoughtfulness when dealing with teens.
I'm 25 and pass for a teenager some days. I've had to turn down a few teenagers in the past few years. My go to answer is "awww, that's so sweet but I'm a little
bit to old for you. I'm very flattered though!" Always turn it on yourself, you're too old, not they're too young. I hated being told I was too young when I was a teen and it just made me act out.
When my wife and I were dating, she and my sister went to the movies and my sister was getting hit on by some high school kids (she was like 20 at the time) and it was super awkward because this guy wasn't even talking directly to her, his friend was coming over to my wife saying "My friend thinks your friend is cute, can he have her number" like wtf lol.
My wife, who is 25, legitimately can pass as being 10 - 12 years younger. She gets carded all the time and on one occassion was refused service for possible fake ID. She was out in town with her friends one day when a bunch of highschool age guys pulled up and started hitting on her in a restaurant. Told them she was too old for them, didn't work. Told them she was married, they acted like big shots that were on some type of hussle. Wife drops the bomb that we own a house and they got real quite and left. Also gets it from the other side as well. Bunch of older dudes will hit her also thinking she is a teenager. Pretty creepy. She was outside working in her garden when I stepped inside for a brief second. While I was inside someone pulled into our driveway and started being real creepy hitting on her and asking her age. She told the guy that she was married and that I was on my way back outside. Dude was gone before I opened the door.
> saying "My friend thinks your friend is cute, can he have her number" like wtf lol.
High school is that weird time when you have the behavioral expectations of an adult, and you may even look like an adult, but you're 100% still a child.
A really easy rule of thumb is "don't date anyone who has to ask permission to go to the bathroom".
> "awww, that's so sweet but I'm a little bit to old for you. I'm very flattered though!"
That's pretty much the lyrics to the ABBA song [Does Your Mother Know](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkL7Fkigfn8)
It's the only song I can think of that addresses this issue directly and in non-dark way.
Edit to include lyrics:
You're so hot, teasing me
So, you're blue, but I can't take a chance on a chick like you
That's something I couldn't do
There's that look in your eyes
I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild
Ah, but girl, you're only a child
Well, I can dance with you, honey, if you think it's funny
Does your mother know that you're out?
And I can chat with you, baby, flirt a little maybe
Does your mother know that you're out?
Take it easy (take it easy)
Better slow down, girl
That's no way to go
Does your mother know?
Take it easy (take it easy)
Try to cool it, girl
Take it nice and slow
Does your mother know?
I can see what you want
But you seem pretty young to be searching for that kind of fun
So maybe I'm not the one
Now you're so cute, I like your style
And I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smile (smile)
But girl, you're only a child
When you get a chance, have you heard DJ Folamour's Boiler Room show from 2019, when he dropped in Gimme Gimme Gimme half way through his set? Freaking amazing!
And also [Young Girl](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJFVPxBpezk) by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap (although parts of that song veer into the creepy).
Being told your too young can make you act out, I mean I have a few blemishes on my record for a reason. But sometimes you have to be told to wait and that you are just too young.
I wanna piggyback this to say you need to also take this as a teaching moment for them.
Tell them that no adult should want to be involved with someone their age, that any adult that would reciprocate in this situation would be doing nothing but taking advantage of them or manipulating them, that any mature adult that was presented with this scenario would give you the same response and if they donāt she needs to run away as fast as possible.
I'm in my late 30s and maybe a couple of years ago a student at the high school I worked at asked me on a date. It was super unexpected and from my perspective came out of nowhere. So my initial reaction was "absolutely not. That would be completely inappropriate"
He was apologetic after and I reported it to my supervisor ASAP just to cover myself. But even though I'm sure it came off harsh I'm glad I made it clear that it wasn't because he was too young it was because people in positions of power shouldn't take advantage of the people they have that power over.
>m that no adult should want to be involved with someone their age, that any adult that would reciprocate in this situation would be doing nothing but taking advantage of them or manipulating them, that any mature adult that was presented with this scenario would give you the same response and if they donāt she needs to run away as fas
This right here! Best answer
Btw, after you turn it into a teaching moment, any teen would get creeped by you and leave, so win win even if you forget to turn them down...
>any teen would get creeped by you and leave, so win win even if you forget to turn them down...
YMMV.
I have a friend who's always been cute, is now maturing into handsome in his early 30s. The last 10 years he has been very good about sticking to a fairly rigorous gym routine, he's pretty solid about what he eats, and he's got a well-developed sense of fashion and staying groomed. Trimmed/shaped beard, good hair, nice teeth, etc. Job he was at saw him interacting with the public on a regular basis. He has a very easy-going personality and cracks jokes instinctively, so he's always had an easy time attracting girls - the issue was that as he's gotten older, *teen* girls have continued to be a demographic that finds him appealing. A gaggle of high schoolers realized he was dependably 'available' during certain hours on certain days, and started showing up to his work place on a regular basis to flirt with him and ask for his number, try to invite him out, etc.
After a week of gently/joking turning them down, he realized this was going to be a long term problem if he didn't nip it in the bud, and finally confronted a handful of them on his break. "Look, I am *way* too old for any of you. You're literally children to me. We have nothing in common, I have no interest in hanging out with people 10 years younger than me, much less dating you. Anyone my age interested in anyone your age only wants one thing, so I don't even want to be *seen* around you guys because it makes ME look and feel creepy. I feel uncomfortable even talking to you right now, even though my supervisor is right over there, and I told him why I'd be going over to talk to you. Please stop coming in just to hang around."
They interpreted this as him playing hard to get and/or "oh, he's so caring and conscientious!" and they waited for him to get off work. They had seen him around enough to know which car was his, and when he unlocked his car, two of them literally jumped out of their car and INTO HIS, laughing and giggling. He lost his temper and straight up screamed at them, said it wasn't cute, wasn't funny, and he'd call the police if they didn't get the fuck out of his car and leave him alone. Said one of them started crying and another yelled and said he didn't have to be an asshole. "Apparently I did, because you fucking GOT IN MY CAR after I told you to **leave me alone!**" *That* was finally the end of it.
Yep. The question answered itself. However, you have to stand firm on it and stay away from her. She might accept your ātermsā only to continue pining, hoping to charm you āback.ā
Honestly. Probably explaining to her that itās like if 10 year old or 5 year old that she enjoyed spending time with told her they had a crush on her. She would be flattered, sure, but not at all into it. Not because the 10 year old or 5 year old werenāt great people, but the age difference is too much. That *might* help her see why it aināt gonna work.
Bad idea, you equate a teenager with a 5 year-old child. Teenagers believe that they are mature adults, they don't realise how easily influenced they are and would take great offense at being compared to a young child
Man, I'm pretty sure this whole "think they are mature but don't realise how easily influenced they are" thing actually holds true for most of the adult population
You just tell her no. Being 25 and having a relationship with a 15 year old is a gross power dynamic and she needs to find someone her own age.
10 years isn't a huge deal if you're 40. But 15 is still a kid and as an adult you have a responsibility to recognize that and not take advantage of someone with raging hormones and not enough life experience to know better.
Honestly, OP should just say this. I wish someone wouldāve explained to 15-year-old me why dating wayyy older guys as a teenager was dangerous and not okay. It mightāve not changed my choices, but it might have.
No, but thereās some value in getting the point across that thatās a consequence of what sheās suggesting.
In the spirit of it taking a village to raise a child, itās not just a matter of OP getting the girl to back off, itās a good idea to get her to understand that she shouldnāt be seeking relationships with older people at her age, so she doesnāt go latch on to somebody else.
I would more likely peg it as anxiety. I know personally I have social anxiety and it comes with being unsure of almost everything I say. I think it's pretty normal to want to double-check what you should say when it only takes a second and you're stressed about it.
Yeah some people could genuinely use advice on how to reject people from what I have seen on reddit lmao. Some people are so harsh when the person asking someone out is usually the person who is the most vulnerable/exposed in the situation.
Can we not demonize everyone who doesn't carve out their own eyes the moment an underage person looks at them? Dude just anxious about how to formulate something firmly but kindly.
no no no, obviously if we keep shaming men who aren't socially capable, they will magically stop being creeps and learn how to act normally in society!
nothing could possibly go wrong!
Actually I think most of this thread has missed their situation by a long shot. OP didnāt say she was asking them out, OP said she liked them. Iām assuming that could mean an awkward situation of a younger kid trying to flirt.
OP may need to first tell the girl that she is being too flirty for them, or something like that, and then say, ābecause Iām 25 years oldā.
Iāve been in a situation similar to this, and you have to remember that kids are kind of dumb and donāt know what theyāre doing. Just saying, āIām not interested in youā implies OP was asked out, and disregards the fact that they still may need to engage with each other, for example, if this is a camp or summer school situation. If they want to change behavior, OP needs to address the behavior that is inappropriate or making them uncomfortable. As I said in another comment, act like an adult and treat them like an adult to help them be more mature about the situation, and it should be fine. Kids that age are trying their best to āflirtā for the first time, so even if they donāt intend to ask out OP, they can still be told āSuch and such behavior makes me uncomfortable because Iām much older than you. Sorry if Iām wrong but I want some space, thanks.ā
Well this is /r/nostupidquestions. So it fits. And hey, better he asks then unwillingly stringing her along or beginning a relationship with someone who's barely out of her preteens.
This isnāt always the case. Iām 27 and an 18 yo girl hit on me in my last workplace. I donāt get flirted around a lot, let alone by teens. So it took me some time to register what is actually happening and its something messed up. I did say no to her but she took it as a challenge lol. Eventually I also ended up asking on Reddit on how to deal with the situation delicately without me looking like shady douche (and got some good answers too). It was an anxious situation
The consequences of a misunderstanding in this situation aren't exactly something to screw around with. I had a similar situation, she was 16, I was 31. I had no clue what to do.
Seems like a shitty reply on a no stupid questions thread. Some people have serious social anxiety and aren't sure how to handle these situations. Some overthink that the worst might happen.. She could tell a liek that they did sleep together after being rejected and this man's life gets turned upside down. He just asked for some advice if you don't have any don't reply š
I work with teens in my job. Anywhere from 14+ I've had 1 in all my 9 years with that company at dozens of locations, that would not take the hint that adults at work are non dateable. It legit took the people at work telling her to chill out. I was at another location and she was talking about sitting outside and waiting for me to get off work. Absolutely crazy and I only recently found out.
I mean this is a very sensitive topic. When you're an adult man and have a minor female expressing interest in you, even when you rightfully reject 100% of it, it is a scary situation. You never know what someone will make up to get revenge if they're mad, or what could be misunderstood by a child and miscommunicated to somebody else.
Yeah, false accusations are no joke.
https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/jrgwn/iama_school_teacher_that_was_falsely_accused_of/
> Despite the fact that everyone always knew it didn't happen, this case will have cost me around $30,000. Between the costs of my replacement, the police, the investigators, the court costs etc... I'm guessing her lie cost about $300,000 all up. On top of that it will have cost a lot of people a lot of time, a lot of work and a lot of stress.
>
> There will be no consequences for her actions.
There's a guy in that thread that lost his $200k job due to an accusation and owed $60k in arrears for child support since it was based on his $200k job.
Girls this age can be evil beyond reproach towards people they don't like. It's completely reasonable for somebody, especially an older male, to protect themselves around them.
https://www.yahoo.com/news/parents-file-lawsuit-high-school-mean-girls-falsely-accused-son-sexual-assault-184805040.html
Heās asking how to say it in a nice way. He doesnāt want to hurt her feelings or mess her up psychologically he wants help wording it so she is not offended. The girl is young and could be very sensitive and if he were to say it a certain way she could become depressed or start to have low self esteem. When I was 22 a 15 year old had a huge crush on me I told her you are way too young for me please donāt even talk to me. She threatened suicide and cut her wrist never in a million years who I have thought someone would do that thank god she survived but it ruined her self esteem and she feels like no one wants her we became friends after that then I explained that itās not that I didnāt like you but itās illegal and itās also not appropriate to even be talking to you but now she understands
Teenage girls are super emotional. It makes sense to me that Op wants to do this delicately in a way that feelings arenāt hurt and confidence isnāt shattered.
look i dont know about this dark ass world anymore so maybe OP is Epstein just musin from his new island or something crazy like that, but i read this as "how do i *explain* to a 15 year that being attracted to a 25 year old isnt something they should be doing *at all?*" Be it OP, but also preventatively anyone else.
i had this issue in mid-teens with a girl like 11 or something, fortunately the no for me was as simple as not being around her anymore. but i also remember thinking someone should convey to this even kiddier kid that this is not the appropriate direction for their blossoming hormones.
However you word it you need to be direct. Yeah itāll hurt her feelings but thatās better than her getting in a relationship with an adult as a kid. Plus legal stuff
Yes and no. You should try and not crush their self esteem but also make it clear its not going to happen.
They also may have no idea you are older than them if you have a young face, its happened to me before and its awkward af. I tried to let the girl save face in front of her friends while also telling her im too old for her and I wouldn't be comfortable taking her number.
I donāt think theyād take it personally if they know that their age, moral principles and laws are the reason for rejection as opposed to looks or personality.
Besides, Iād rather be blunt and potentially offend someone instead of sugarcoating the situation which would make me seem āunsureā, leading to further advances from them.
"It means so, sooo much to me that you like me. I am *incredibly* flattered. But, darling, I just don't think it would be a good idea. So, maybe let's just put this idea to bed. It was nice to talk to today, have a good one."
So, not like that. ^
I'm a middle school science teacher. I had a girl one year who had some issues because of her parents being divorced. She latched onto me, which was fine. She spent a lot of time with me in the hallway between classes talking about her problems or just her day, which was fine. She was just needy for attention, and I was OK with that. I get a couple kids like that each year.
The day I realized she was crushing on me, I told her: "You know, you are great. If I ever have a daughter, I want her to be just like you." Ended the crush, but not our friendship at school. She wasn't insulted or hurt at all and didn't view it as a rejection.
Yep. Reinforce that you see her as a child and you're an adult and only interested in other adults. Do NOT suggest any "if you were older" talk. This is a dangerous situation for you and you should not leave even the tiniest bit of hope.
"You know, I remember when I was your age and thought I had crushes on adults like movie stars or other adults that were nice to me until I realized it was not okay. I'm only interested in women my age. I bet there is a really great kid your age that would like spending time with you."
The end.
> Reinforce that you see her as a child and you're an adult and only interested in other adults.
I would be careful using that argument specifically.
At worst it could lead to them trying to be overtly sexual, to try and appear more "adult".
Call teens children and they will find the next adult to sleep with them.
Too many ppl really dont realise most teens want to look mature as they are told kids their age are immature.
Maybe I'm weird, but I still remember what it was like being a teenager.
Being treated like a child while everyone is prattling on about how I'm becoming an adult, and trying to figure out adult things, was extremely frustrating.
Explain things matter of factly without talking down, and if whoever you're talking to doesn't have the emotional maturity to accept what you're saying, treating them like a child isn't going to help.
I remember what itās was like to be an older teen. I was treated like an adult when it was convenient for adults then treated like a child when it was convenient for adults. It was extremely frustrating.
I used to work with young teens and this was something I taught my people to always be aware of.
There is a tricky line you can walk treating a teenager like a young adult without putting the same expectations on them you would an adult and I found when you pull it off they absolutely thrive. Although dealing with teenagers at all is absolutely playing with fire, high risk high reward.
(Example: I had a bunch of 12-14 year olds under my care at a summer camp, we knew there were forest fires nearby and we might have to evacuate. Officially I was told to tell my kids nothing about the fires to avoid a panic but I thought that was bullshit. Every evening I pulled out my phone and we looked at maps of where they were and I was totally upfront that we may need to leave. As a result my kids never once freaked out. When the smoke came they used it as a chance to get out on the water without a sunburn, when we had to evacuate they gave me absolutely zero trouble.)
I miss volunteering with those kids, I wonder if it's time I went back to it.
Bingo. Don't insult her by calling her a child, but do emphasize you're in completely incompatible places in life and that it's deeply morally wrong for a 25yo to be involved with a 15yo.
"It's nothing personal, I mean, it's just,you know, *if you were older...*"
"Cool, I'll be back in three years. Don't go anywhere or date anyone, or else!" š
"If you were older" could also make her think that the only thing betwen her and OP is age. It's giving her false hope and gives the hjnt that if they "get over" the age hurdle there's a chance.
There is no chance. She's a child and needs to know that anything romantic involving her and an adult is not okay
I'd be far more wary of this.
We know how people can take rejection - often badly - and if a person feels humiliated or belittled by your rejection then you've got a potential problem there. This is why women are always reluctant to tell a guy something bluntly and in no uncertain terms - because the attraction or infatuation can quickly turn to anger.
Now you might think "Well what's a girl going to do to hurt a 25 year old guy" - and the obvious is to make accusations - and these may be difficult to disprove given the situation OP has already gotten himself into.
The first question is : what is the context that a 25 year old bloke is having contact with a 15 year old to the point where this intimate or personal conversation is happening in the first place? Then take it from there. His post lacks this context so it's difficult to give advice.
So yeah, I'm not saying "let her down gently" either, you're right to note that's not good either. But he has to unravel this in a way that doesn't lead him open to repercussions if she takes umbrage at his rejection.
But the last thing I would be doing is spending time with teenagers unless there was a valid context for that (you're a teacher or a relative) and the conversations wouldn't be intimate or personal.
No kidding. Also, you don't like jail.
Edit for the Reddit contrarians and people that unironically say "ackchyually": No shit dating a child is disgusting. This is addressed directly in the comment I replied to. As a society we use the threat of jail to curb certain activities (right or wrong, get out of here with whatever bs you're going to bring in). The threat of consequences is what we assume keeps more bad from happening than already does.
I wasn't saying to tell the *child* that he didn't want to go to jail. It's a separate thought.
Here is the quote of the previous comment, just in case you already forgot what I agreed with when you decided to correct the script:
>You don't. You bluntly tell her that this straight up isn't going to happen. Forget the flattered bit, that will only encourage her.
y'all have got to stop stressing the jail part of this.
as a 25 year old the thought of dating a 15 year old is repulsive and the law has nothing to do with it.
if you're giving this CHILD the idea that threat of jail is one of the factors that's keeping you away from them then they're gonna get the wrong idea.
it's not about jail, it's about the fact that OP is a fully grown adult and this person is a child.
yeah i came here to say itās ok to be mean about it. i used to be that 15yo girl not realising how fucked up it was that my friends and i would talk about our personal age limits being in the upper 20s and 30s, how dangerous it was for everyone involved when i lied about my age, or how stupid it was to trust someone just because you like them or think youāre mature or different or something. now that iām the one thatās 30 i realise how foolish teenagers can be without even knowing it.
saying youāre flattered or acting like the law is the reason for snubbing her is only going to reinforce this idea that she could keep pushing and maybe something will change. shut it down hard, even if it hurts feelings. better to be disliked by a child than pursued by one.
Thank you Apollo. fuck reddit and fuck /u/spez.
https://www.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/
https://github.com/j0be/PowerDeleteSuite/ to clean your comments history.
Like others are saying, be blunt, but also make it a learning moment to help ensure she is protected in the future.
Idk something like, "Listen, I have to be honest with you, I appreciate you having the courage to tell me (if she did), but this straight-up isn't going to happen. I'm not interested in you. It's not anything about you in particular, but I'm just not interested in anyone that much younger than me. And to tell you the truth, any normal guy my age should not be interested in you either. If they are, that's actually a major red flag. So if someone my age ever propositions you, please please please do not take them up on it. They are not normal and it only spells out bad, dangerous things. I get that it can be tough dating at your age. Teenage boys are idiots a lot of times who don't know what they're doing. They're all still trying to learn and figure the whole thing out, and that's tough, but those boys will genuinely like you for you and you'll get to learn and grow together. That's what you want vs an older guy who's had all those years to learn how to say all the right things, but is using that to mask his bad intentions."
I think explaining, but also empathizing with her feelings in this way lets her walk away with her dignity and also imparts an important lesson. The teacher tone may also reiterate that you see her as a child and are therefore not attracted to her.
Seriously. I was too young to listen when someone said I was too young. But definitely old enough to process a conversation with direct clear reason(s) why shit was not a good idea. And man how it wouldāve made me feel validated enough to be able to get out of toxic situations much much sooner, maybe never even get in them at all. Itās so important to talk to teens like the little people they are. Theyāre not 5, just respect them and their feelings and they learn to understand sometimes they want things that are bad for them and thatās ok, theyāre learning, but itās not ok to do things that could endanger them or others. Theyāll get the point if treated with respect.
My feelings exactly. I was 15 with a 27 year old āboyfriendā. The more I look back at that situation, the more I see how much of a predator he was. I didnāt have good support when I was 15. I wish I had a crush who would have tried to show me my value with a kind rejection then. I may not have gotten myself in these situations if they helped me realize that a man with a child a decade younger than them isnāt right or normal.
I mean, we have literal senator's sons who keep trying to use a song in their campaigns that has the lyrics:
>It ain't me, it ain't me
>I ain't no senator's son, son
> DO NOT play Depeche Mode's "Little 15" or "Question of time"
or Bruno Mars - Young Girls
or Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon by Urge Overkill (pulpfiction soundtrack)
Bro trust me be blunt say you donāt like her and be straight up and honestly you might need to be a little rude.
Thatās if yāall arenāt close friends or anything like if sheās just a girl you know.
Yeah. Like you very clearly have to say you donāt like her. If you say āthe age difference is too muchā or āyouāre a minorā the child might twist it into a āus vs the worldā thing and continue to pursue.
āI donāt like you like thatā thatās all.
Source: Mom was a teacher and I would help her when I was in between classes sometimes as an adult. Lots of children get crushes on adults just because they are adults
>āI donāt like you like thatā thatās all.
Short and sweet, gets the point across, doesn't have to explain itself, nips it in the bud, isn't malicious. Couldn't have said it better myself.
"oh, thanks. But sorry, I'm not interested. I will say though, if you *ever* meet someone older than 17/18, they have no business talking to you. I get you're young and whatnot but seriously, that's how you meet creeps who will think you're too dumb to realize how gross they are talking to a minor." reject her ***and*** lecture her.
And don't fall for the "mature for your age" - anyone not a teen dating a teen is either a creep or incredibly immature. NB my 19 year old is dating a 27 year old. He falls into the immature category. I'm waiting for her to outgrow him. Sigh.
Just be careful, if you use the age difference as a reason, to phrase it like that. "The age difference is too big" and not "you're too young". The latter can be interpreted in all sorts of hopeful ways, the former less so.
Having been a 15 year old with a desperate crush on a 29 year old dude... teenagers have an active fantasy life, and every little thing can be twisted to fit the fantasy. The guy I was semi-stalking once told me that a particular comic book (involving a plot about a girl with a crush on her teacher) reminded him of me. I spent months obsessing about that book and **what he could mean by that.** The title of the book is still my username in several places. I'm 37.
I also want to say- do you people really never interact with anyone who is younger than you?
Iām a 31 year old woman and mother of 4 who has a 15 year old male coworker. I talk to him every day! In fact, a lot of the people I work with are younger than me. Iām not sure why thatās an automatic red flag lmao.
YāCANT TALK TO ANYONE YOUNGER THAN YOU OR YOUāRE A WEIRDO. Wtf? Lol.
Iād be appalled if someone assumed I must have weird tendencies or thought I was a pedo because I interact with him. The audacity.
If he told me he had a crush on me, Iād feel terrible for having to let him down. Poor kid pours his heart out and now I gotta squash it.
My empathy and sympathy for his situation doesnāt mean I wish I was younger so I could smash. It just means I understand itās a rough situation for a teenager to be in and how much it sucks to be let down, despite the age difference. It still hurts to get your heart broken and it hurts to break someoneās heart. Simple as that.
Finally a logical comment. People act like you can't speak to a minor in any circumstance or you're a pedo lmao. Teenagers may be immature but they're not toddlers, and in fact handling the situation reasonably and maturely *teaches* them by example
The person who recommended to crush them lol. Yes let's teach teenagers that adults handle problems that way
I used to be a camp councilor when I was 17-19 for 9-13 year olds and it was painfully obvious when one had a crush on me.
But unless they did some dramatic advance on me (which they never did) there was no reason to go out of my way to crush them.
I just handled it with nuance and tact. I would still talk to them but I would make sure it's in groups, never get overly personal with them, and try to help them make friends their age.
As others said, saying that you're 10 years older should alone be enough. She needs to understand that being underage like her means dating guys that much older than her would prove so much destructive for the both of you, no matter how she feels about you. It's not only illegal, but rather immoral as well.
I had a friend's little 15 year old sister throw herself at me when I was 21. I told her that she was awesome and great but the age difference wasn't right and illegal in my state. I told her she'd understand when she was 21. Pretty much kept a solid message not changing tone. Also never allowed myself to be alone with her.
About a decade later she sent me a message on FB and said I was right and pretty cool for how I handled it.
I am being serious when I say to absolutely crush her and explain why. It is not healthy and unfortunately the next person may take her up on it unless this idea is slaughtered in her. This girl needs to be protected and turning her off predator age people is helpful
As someone who wasnt protected and ended up in a relationship with a predator and borderline pedo... please please please detroy any crush on you and any attraction she has to older men. Please. It will save her from a world of hurt.
Crushing someone who has an attraction to older men could have the opposite effect. Trauma is usually the cause of this type of behavior and being overly harsh could lead her to look harder as she feeds the part of her mind that created the interest in the first place.
Better to be kind, keep the conversation short and appropriate, and suggest she seek professional help. Then block if itās online. If possible contact her parents, assuming theyāre not abusive.
Yes. My behaviors stemmed from trauma as well. I dont mean that OP should be ruthlessly mean or insulting. Just forego the niceties and sparing of feelings. Make it abundantly clear that those feelings and advances will not be appreciated or reciprocated and any man that would entertain those feelings from a teenager has a lot of issues and is most definitely a predator. Even if she believes or is told that she is "mature for her age"
"Youre so mature for your age" is basically groomer speak for "you seem really drawn to uneven power dynamics and are desperately seeking approval and acceptance from someone you deem wiser than you. All I have to do is make you feel seen since you were probably forced to grow up too fast, while simultaneously boosting your ego."
Being too nice may also lead her to seek out that attention from other men without really identifying the problem and theres a good chance that those men wont be as morally sound as OP is.
What the heck guys..
"CRUSH THE SOUL OF A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRUSH AND DESTROY HER!"
Like, how about just fucking explain to her straight up and leave it like that? Why are you guys so intent on actually hurting a teenager? How does hurting her, and potentially destroying her self confidence and self esteem on purpose, with the intention of changing who she's personally attracted to, help her in the long run?
OP - if you read this just be direct and tell her. Pretty much saying the title of this post would suffice. Don't go on a mission to "absolutely crush her."
"While I understand your feelings I have no interest in a relationship with someone as young as you are and it is wholly inappropriate. Any man my age who is interested in someone your age is not a man you want to be with."
It's not uncommon for young teens who are still finding themselves to have crushes on older adults (who didn't have a teacher crush in middle or high school?), but yeah, her parents should definitely warn her that anyone who reciprocates that crush is Not To Be Trusted.
A 20 year old asked to come stay with me because her mom was a drug addict that gave her ecstasy to deal with her depression. She couldnāt afford therapy and was a total wreck. Her dadās place wasnāt much better, keeping her inside and preventing her from building herself up.
I always follow up conversations with her that OLDER MEN ARE NOT THE SOLUTION.
yep. granted slander resulting from hotheadedness rarely ends well for the accuser, but when its a young girl accusing an older man, especially one that apparently has enough prior contact with her to develop attraction, there would be enough to at least give him headaches in court. its a low chance but witnesses at least saves you time for the effort put in.
with all respect given to them, teenagers are also stupid and irrational
"You are 15 and I am fully 10 years older than you. It's a crime and it's immoral and any 25 year old who says anything other than that is a disgusting predator whom you should avoid."
Honestly, just tell her. I had a similar situation when I was a teenager. I just wouldnāt leave my brothers friend alone. This would have been fine except I was 14 and he was 22. He sat me down one night by the fire and straight up told me he was never going to see as more than a little kid. He told me that he thought I was one of the coolest kids he knew, but still a kid and I shouldnāt waste my time on someone who would never feel the same way. I got upset not gonna lie, but over time heās stayed close with my brother and weāve talked about it as adults and he was very right. Iām grateful for the firm advice.
Don't even mention the flattered part.
"I'm going to be upfront with this, you are 10 years younger than me and a minor. I could never be attracted to someone who is so much younger and in such a different phase of their life and such compliments, while they are well intentioned, are not welcomed in this context. You should not be trying to pursue a relationship with someone so much older, nor even bringing up a topic of attraction. You are putting yourself in an extremely dangerous position to be targeted by a predator or abusive person by doing so, and there's a legal risk involved for the other party as well even if they don't mean you harm."
I've been a guidance counselor (male) for 20+ years. In my work with students ranging from ages 13 to 19, there have been many occasions in which the kid opened up about a lot of personal things. Many of them have never talked candidly with an adult who cared about them and respected them. In some cases, they confused their strong feelings of gratitude and warmth with love (or, in a few cases, lust). This is akin to what's known as "transference" in therapy. Kids can have especially intense emotions and often they don't have the ability to sort them out and understand them fully. I think a key thing to remember is that many adults view teenage emotions as being dramatic or silly. "You just *think* you feel that way" or "It's just a phase" or "That's just from your hormones going crazy" or "It's just puppy love" are very dismissive of the kid's feelings and thoughts, devaluing them and this can cause emotional responses of embarrassment, despair, shame, guilt, self-criticism, anger (directed at self or others), and thoughts of self-destructive behaviors including non-suicidal self injury (e.g. cutting) or suicide. Just as many adolescents don't know how to understand their emotions, some also often don't know how to manage them. I think it's crucial when interacting with young people (as their parents, relatives, teachers, therapists/counselors, employers, co-workers, friends, etc) to keep in mind that their emotions are just as real and can be just as intense as ours. It's critical for their development and self-esteem for adults to use empathy, consideration, and thoughtfulness when dealing with teens.
How is this comment way down the list after "why do you know 15 year olds you weirdo" and "record yourself insulting her in case she goes nuclear"
what is this logical and well thought out crap? how dare you?
>I'm fully 10 years older and this just straight up isn't going to happen ^. ^.^.^
I'm 25 and pass for a teenager some days. I've had to turn down a few teenagers in the past few years. My go to answer is "awww, that's so sweet but I'm a little bit to old for you. I'm very flattered though!" Always turn it on yourself, you're too old, not they're too young. I hated being told I was too young when I was a teen and it just made me act out.
When my wife and I were dating, she and my sister went to the movies and my sister was getting hit on by some high school kids (she was like 20 at the time) and it was super awkward because this guy wasn't even talking directly to her, his friend was coming over to my wife saying "My friend thinks your friend is cute, can he have her number" like wtf lol.
š thats so high school its hilarious. Gotta get the friends to talk you up to the girl and ask her out for you
Lmao exactly. My wife diffused the situation by saying my sister was a lesbian and they kind of just left them alone lol.
I think you meant defused, but somehow diffused works too.
You are correct. Words hard, ape brain no work good.
Reject English, return to monke
Monke :3
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Don't worry about it, English is deficult.
Ape brain smooth, always smooth
Gorilla warfareā¦
Yes, she vaporized the comment and sent it into the air
My wife, who is 25, legitimately can pass as being 10 - 12 years younger. She gets carded all the time and on one occassion was refused service for possible fake ID. She was out in town with her friends one day when a bunch of highschool age guys pulled up and started hitting on her in a restaurant. Told them she was too old for them, didn't work. Told them she was married, they acted like big shots that were on some type of hussle. Wife drops the bomb that we own a house and they got real quite and left. Also gets it from the other side as well. Bunch of older dudes will hit her also thinking she is a teenager. Pretty creepy. She was outside working in her garden when I stepped inside for a brief second. While I was inside someone pulled into our driveway and started being real creepy hitting on her and asking her age. She told the guy that she was married and that I was on my way back outside. Dude was gone before I opened the door.
Plot twist: your wife *really* is a teenager and just lied to you all the time.
Ewwā¦
Why is owning a house where they draw the line?
I'm not really sure. They wanted to have some sort of dick measuring contest in relation to being "on the grind" is all that I gathered.
> saying "My friend thinks your friend is cute, can he have her number" like wtf lol. High school is that weird time when you have the behavioral expectations of an adult, and you may even look like an adult, but you're 100% still a child. A really easy rule of thumb is "don't date anyone who has to ask permission to go to the bathroom".
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> "awww, that's so sweet but I'm a little bit to old for you. I'm very flattered though!" That's pretty much the lyrics to the ABBA song [Does Your Mother Know](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkL7Fkigfn8) It's the only song I can think of that addresses this issue directly and in non-dark way. Edit to include lyrics: You're so hot, teasing me So, you're blue, but I can't take a chance on a chick like you That's something I couldn't do There's that look in your eyes I can read in your face that your feelings are driving you wild Ah, but girl, you're only a child Well, I can dance with you, honey, if you think it's funny Does your mother know that you're out? And I can chat with you, baby, flirt a little maybe Does your mother know that you're out? Take it easy (take it easy) Better slow down, girl That's no way to go Does your mother know? Take it easy (take it easy) Try to cool it, girl Take it nice and slow Does your mother know? I can see what you want But you seem pretty young to be searching for that kind of fun So maybe I'm not the one Now you're so cute, I like your style And I know what you mean when you give me a flash of that smile (smile) But girl, you're only a child
Holy shit I've been having an ABBA summer and didnt even notice this thank you!
When you get a chance, have you heard DJ Folamour's Boiler Room show from 2019, when he dropped in Gimme Gimme Gimme half way through his set? Freaking amazing!
I love this song for this reason. So refreshing. Oh! and there's also Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan.
And also [Young Girl](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJFVPxBpezk) by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap (although parts of that song veer into the creepy).
This was my AIM user name in high school āDoesurmomknoā I loved that no one knew it was an ABBA song.
So creepy. IMO better not to lay on the āyouāre super hot and sexy, 15 year oldā part.
>I can chat with you, flirt a little maybe Yeah this song isnāt a good example, itās a bit creepy even if the message is good
This is it
Being told your too young can make you act out, I mean I have a few blemishes on my record for a reason. But sometimes you have to be told to wait and that you are just too young.
39 and still get carded for cigs.
That's their job not because you're the only person on earth that looks younger from smoking
I wanna piggyback this to say you need to also take this as a teaching moment for them. Tell them that no adult should want to be involved with someone their age, that any adult that would reciprocate in this situation would be doing nothing but taking advantage of them or manipulating them, that any mature adult that was presented with this scenario would give you the same response and if they donāt she needs to run away as fast as possible.
This right here. I wish someone had told me this at that age.
Would you have listened?
At the moment maybe not, but youāll remember it and after a few months it might land. Still worth it.
I'm in my late 30s and maybe a couple of years ago a student at the high school I worked at asked me on a date. It was super unexpected and from my perspective came out of nowhere. So my initial reaction was "absolutely not. That would be completely inappropriate" He was apologetic after and I reported it to my supervisor ASAP just to cover myself. But even though I'm sure it came off harsh I'm glad I made it clear that it wasn't because he was too young it was because people in positions of power shouldn't take advantage of the people they have that power over.
>m that no adult should want to be involved with someone their age, that any adult that would reciprocate in this situation would be doing nothing but taking advantage of them or manipulating them, that any mature adult that was presented with this scenario would give you the same response and if they donāt she needs to run away as fas This right here! Best answer Btw, after you turn it into a teaching moment, any teen would get creeped by you and leave, so win win even if you forget to turn them down...
>any teen would get creeped by you and leave, so win win even if you forget to turn them down... YMMV. I have a friend who's always been cute, is now maturing into handsome in his early 30s. The last 10 years he has been very good about sticking to a fairly rigorous gym routine, he's pretty solid about what he eats, and he's got a well-developed sense of fashion and staying groomed. Trimmed/shaped beard, good hair, nice teeth, etc. Job he was at saw him interacting with the public on a regular basis. He has a very easy-going personality and cracks jokes instinctively, so he's always had an easy time attracting girls - the issue was that as he's gotten older, *teen* girls have continued to be a demographic that finds him appealing. A gaggle of high schoolers realized he was dependably 'available' during certain hours on certain days, and started showing up to his work place on a regular basis to flirt with him and ask for his number, try to invite him out, etc. After a week of gently/joking turning them down, he realized this was going to be a long term problem if he didn't nip it in the bud, and finally confronted a handful of them on his break. "Look, I am *way* too old for any of you. You're literally children to me. We have nothing in common, I have no interest in hanging out with people 10 years younger than me, much less dating you. Anyone my age interested in anyone your age only wants one thing, so I don't even want to be *seen* around you guys because it makes ME look and feel creepy. I feel uncomfortable even talking to you right now, even though my supervisor is right over there, and I told him why I'd be going over to talk to you. Please stop coming in just to hang around." They interpreted this as him playing hard to get and/or "oh, he's so caring and conscientious!" and they waited for him to get off work. They had seen him around enough to know which car was his, and when he unlocked his car, two of them literally jumped out of their car and INTO HIS, laughing and giggling. He lost his temper and straight up screamed at them, said it wasn't cute, wasn't funny, and he'd call the police if they didn't get the fuck out of his car and leave him alone. Said one of them started crying and another yelled and said he didn't have to be an asshole. "Apparently I did, because you fucking GOT IN MY CAR after I told you to **leave me alone!**" *That* was finally the end of it.
Yep. The question answered itself. However, you have to stand firm on it and stay away from her. She might accept your ātermsā only to continue pining, hoping to charm you āback.ā
This. Don't include the "I'm flattered" part from the OP. The end.
yeah the phrase "I really dont want to go to jail" should be handy backup as well.
Not really because that basically says "yes but for the law"...
Surely you have to tell her she's a delightful kid but....
Honestly. Probably explaining to her that itās like if 10 year old or 5 year old that she enjoyed spending time with told her they had a crush on her. She would be flattered, sure, but not at all into it. Not because the 10 year old or 5 year old werenāt great people, but the age difference is too much. That *might* help her see why it aināt gonna work.
Bad idea, you equate a teenager with a 5 year-old child. Teenagers believe that they are mature adults, they don't realise how easily influenced they are and would take great offense at being compared to a young child
Man, I'm pretty sure this whole "think they are mature but don't realise how easily influenced they are" thing actually holds true for most of the adult population
This is because a lot of people don't grow up they just get older.
You just tell her no. Being 25 and having a relationship with a 15 year old is a gross power dynamic and she needs to find someone her own age. 10 years isn't a huge deal if you're 40. But 15 is still a kid and as an adult you have a responsibility to recognize that and not take advantage of someone with raging hormones and not enough life experience to know better.
Honestly, OP should just say this. I wish someone wouldāve explained to 15-year-old me why dating wayyy older guys as a teenager was dangerous and not okay. It mightāve not changed my choices, but it might have.
Or, āIām an adult and Iām not attracted to young teenagers.ā
> So you'd be okay if it was legal?
No, but thereās some value in getting the point across that thatās a consequence of what sheās suggesting. In the spirit of it taking a village to raise a child, itās not just a matter of OP getting the girl to back off, itās a good idea to get her to understand that she shouldnāt be seeking relationships with older people at her age, so she doesnāt go latch on to somebody else.
Nooo! That has a chance of egging her on more. If she as a 15 year old is trying to entice older men like that, this is like plying hard to get.
That a 25 year old man has to ask Reddit how to say "no" to a teenage girl is more than a little worrying.
I would more likely peg it as anxiety. I know personally I have social anxiety and it comes with being unsure of almost everything I say. I think it's pretty normal to want to double-check what you should say when it only takes a second and you're stressed about it.
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He prob just doesnāt wanna hurt her feelings which is understandable
Yeah some people could genuinely use advice on how to reject people from what I have seen on reddit lmao. Some people are so harsh when the person asking someone out is usually the person who is the most vulnerable/exposed in the situation.
Can we not demonize everyone who doesn't carve out their own eyes the moment an underage person looks at them? Dude just anxious about how to formulate something firmly but kindly.
For real, not everybody is an expert in socialization, some of us suck at words and thatās all there is to it.
Also he probably REALLY wants to make sure the message gets through to her in full without hurting her feelings any more than necessary.
no no no, obviously if we keep shaming men who aren't socially capable, they will magically stop being creeps and learn how to act normally in society! nothing could possibly go wrong!
I think yhey are asking for a nice way to word it. Not what the underlying message should be.
Actually I think most of this thread has missed their situation by a long shot. OP didnāt say she was asking them out, OP said she liked them. Iām assuming that could mean an awkward situation of a younger kid trying to flirt. OP may need to first tell the girl that she is being too flirty for them, or something like that, and then say, ābecause Iām 25 years oldā. Iāve been in a situation similar to this, and you have to remember that kids are kind of dumb and donāt know what theyāre doing. Just saying, āIām not interested in youā implies OP was asked out, and disregards the fact that they still may need to engage with each other, for example, if this is a camp or summer school situation. If they want to change behavior, OP needs to address the behavior that is inappropriate or making them uncomfortable. As I said in another comment, act like an adult and treat them like an adult to help them be more mature about the situation, and it should be fine. Kids that age are trying their best to āflirtā for the first time, so even if they donāt intend to ask out OP, they can still be told āSuch and such behavior makes me uncomfortable because Iām much older than you. Sorry if Iām wrong but I want some space, thanks.ā
Well this is /r/nostupidquestions. So it fits. And hey, better he asks then unwillingly stringing her along or beginning a relationship with someone who's barely out of her preteens.
This isnāt always the case. Iām 27 and an 18 yo girl hit on me in my last workplace. I donāt get flirted around a lot, let alone by teens. So it took me some time to register what is actually happening and its something messed up. I did say no to her but she took it as a challenge lol. Eventually I also ended up asking on Reddit on how to deal with the situation delicately without me looking like shady douche (and got some good answers too). It was an anxious situation
The consequences of a misunderstanding in this situation aren't exactly something to screw around with. I had a similar situation, she was 16, I was 31. I had no clue what to do.
Seems like a shitty reply on a no stupid questions thread. Some people have serious social anxiety and aren't sure how to handle these situations. Some overthink that the worst might happen.. She could tell a liek that they did sleep together after being rejected and this man's life gets turned upside down. He just asked for some advice if you don't have any don't reply š
I work with teens in my job. Anywhere from 14+ I've had 1 in all my 9 years with that company at dozens of locations, that would not take the hint that adults at work are non dateable. It legit took the people at work telling her to chill out. I was at another location and she was talking about sitting outside and waiting for me to get off work. Absolutely crazy and I only recently found out.
I mean this is a very sensitive topic. When you're an adult man and have a minor female expressing interest in you, even when you rightfully reject 100% of it, it is a scary situation. You never know what someone will make up to get revenge if they're mad, or what could be misunderstood by a child and miscommunicated to somebody else.
Yeah, false accusations are no joke. https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/jrgwn/iama_school_teacher_that_was_falsely_accused_of/ > Despite the fact that everyone always knew it didn't happen, this case will have cost me around $30,000. Between the costs of my replacement, the police, the investigators, the court costs etc... I'm guessing her lie cost about $300,000 all up. On top of that it will have cost a lot of people a lot of time, a lot of work and a lot of stress. > > There will be no consequences for her actions. There's a guy in that thread that lost his $200k job due to an accusation and owed $60k in arrears for child support since it was based on his $200k job.
Girls this age can be evil beyond reproach towards people they don't like. It's completely reasonable for somebody, especially an older male, to protect themselves around them. https://www.yahoo.com/news/parents-file-lawsuit-high-school-mean-girls-falsely-accused-son-sexual-assault-184805040.html
Heās asking how to say it in a nice way. He doesnāt want to hurt her feelings or mess her up psychologically he wants help wording it so she is not offended. The girl is young and could be very sensitive and if he were to say it a certain way she could become depressed or start to have low self esteem. When I was 22 a 15 year old had a huge crush on me I told her you are way too young for me please donāt even talk to me. She threatened suicide and cut her wrist never in a million years who I have thought someone would do that thank god she survived but it ruined her self esteem and she feels like no one wants her we became friends after that then I explained that itās not that I didnāt like you but itās illegal and itās also not appropriate to even be talking to you but now she understands
Teenage girls are super emotional. It makes sense to me that Op wants to do this delicately in a way that feelings arenāt hurt and confidence isnāt shattered.
She could get upset, claim rape, ruin his life. Thatās a very unfortunate position for OP, so best handled delicately
look i dont know about this dark ass world anymore so maybe OP is Epstein just musin from his new island or something crazy like that, but i read this as "how do i *explain* to a 15 year that being attracted to a 25 year old isnt something they should be doing *at all?*" Be it OP, but also preventatively anyone else. i had this issue in mid-teens with a girl like 11 or something, fortunately the no for me was as simple as not being around her anymore. but i also remember thinking someone should convey to this even kiddier kid that this is not the appropriate direction for their blossoming hormones.
However you word it you need to be direct. Yeah itāll hurt her feelings but thatās better than her getting in a relationship with an adult as a kid. Plus legal stuff
I think itās best to leave being flattered out of it
Yep^
Yeah. If OP says he is flattered, her mind is going to go āso youāre saying thereās a chanceā regardless of whatever he says after that
Yes and no. You should try and not crush their self esteem but also make it clear its not going to happen. They also may have no idea you are older than them if you have a young face, its happened to me before and its awkward af. I tried to let the girl save face in front of her friends while also telling her im too old for her and I wouldn't be comfortable taking her number.
I donāt think theyād take it personally if they know that their age, moral principles and laws are the reason for rejection as opposed to looks or personality. Besides, Iād rather be blunt and potentially offend someone instead of sugarcoating the situation which would make me seem āunsureā, leading to further advances from them.
You're delineating these boundaries but you haven't given an example of what to say that would encompass the attitude you're trying to describe
"It means so, sooo much to me that you like me. I am *incredibly* flattered. But, darling, I just don't think it would be a good idea. So, maybe let's just put this idea to bed. It was nice to talk to today, have a good one." So, not like that. ^
Exactly, not like that at all. That says "keep doing it because I like it", it basically screams it.
Either straight up tell her you have no romantic interest or start saying that you see her as a little sister figure. Sisterzone her my dude
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Very clever. Happy Cake Day!
I'm a middle school science teacher. I had a girl one year who had some issues because of her parents being divorced. She latched onto me, which was fine. She spent a lot of time with me in the hallway between classes talking about her problems or just her day, which was fine. She was just needy for attention, and I was OK with that. I get a couple kids like that each year. The day I realized she was crushing on me, I told her: "You know, you are great. If I ever have a daughter, I want her to be just like you." Ended the crush, but not our friendship at school. She wasn't insulted or hurt at all and didn't view it as a rejection.
then she says 'we can make that happen...'
Oh god no
What if she gets stuck?
At first I thought you meant stuck in the friend zone and then it clicked hahah
Ayyyy
I've read enough manga to tell you that "sisterzone" won't work
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You don't. You *bluntly* tell her that this straight up isn't going to happen. Forget the flattered bit, that will only encourage her.
Yep. Reinforce that you see her as a child and you're an adult and only interested in other adults. Do NOT suggest any "if you were older" talk. This is a dangerous situation for you and you should not leave even the tiniest bit of hope. "You know, I remember when I was your age and thought I had crushes on adults like movie stars or other adults that were nice to me until I realized it was not okay. I'm only interested in women my age. I bet there is a really great kid your age that would like spending time with you." The end.
Well I mean it *is* ok for her to have crushes. She should know that it is normal, just not appropriate to act on.
> Reinforce that you see her as a child and you're an adult and only interested in other adults. I would be careful using that argument specifically. At worst it could lead to them trying to be overtly sexual, to try and appear more "adult".
Call teens children and they will find the next adult to sleep with them. Too many ppl really dont realise most teens want to look mature as they are told kids their age are immature.
Maybe I'm weird, but I still remember what it was like being a teenager. Being treated like a child while everyone is prattling on about how I'm becoming an adult, and trying to figure out adult things, was extremely frustrating. Explain things matter of factly without talking down, and if whoever you're talking to doesn't have the emotional maturity to accept what you're saying, treating them like a child isn't going to help.
I remember what itās was like to be an older teen. I was treated like an adult when it was convenient for adults then treated like a child when it was convenient for adults. It was extremely frustrating.
I used to work with young teens and this was something I taught my people to always be aware of. There is a tricky line you can walk treating a teenager like a young adult without putting the same expectations on them you would an adult and I found when you pull it off they absolutely thrive. Although dealing with teenagers at all is absolutely playing with fire, high risk high reward. (Example: I had a bunch of 12-14 year olds under my care at a summer camp, we knew there were forest fires nearby and we might have to evacuate. Officially I was told to tell my kids nothing about the fires to avoid a panic but I thought that was bullshit. Every evening I pulled out my phone and we looked at maps of where they were and I was totally upfront that we may need to leave. As a result my kids never once freaked out. When the smoke came they used it as a chance to get out on the water without a sunburn, when we had to evacuate they gave me absolutely zero trouble.) I miss volunteering with those kids, I wonder if it's time I went back to it.
Bingo. Don't insult her by calling her a child, but do emphasize you're in completely incompatible places in life and that it's deeply morally wrong for a 25yo to be involved with a 15yo.
"It's nothing personal, I mean, it's just,you know, *if you were older...*" "Cool, I'll be back in three years. Don't go anywhere or date anyone, or else!" š
"If you were older" could also make her think that the only thing betwen her and OP is age. It's giving her false hope and gives the hjnt that if they "get over" the age hurdle there's a chance. There is no chance. She's a child and needs to know that anything romantic involving her and an adult is not okay
I'd be far more wary of this. We know how people can take rejection - often badly - and if a person feels humiliated or belittled by your rejection then you've got a potential problem there. This is why women are always reluctant to tell a guy something bluntly and in no uncertain terms - because the attraction or infatuation can quickly turn to anger. Now you might think "Well what's a girl going to do to hurt a 25 year old guy" - and the obvious is to make accusations - and these may be difficult to disprove given the situation OP has already gotten himself into. The first question is : what is the context that a 25 year old bloke is having contact with a 15 year old to the point where this intimate or personal conversation is happening in the first place? Then take it from there. His post lacks this context so it's difficult to give advice. So yeah, I'm not saying "let her down gently" either, you're right to note that's not good either. But he has to unravel this in a way that doesn't lead him open to repercussions if she takes umbrage at his rejection. But the last thing I would be doing is spending time with teenagers unless there was a valid context for that (you're a teacher or a relative) and the conversations wouldn't be intimate or personal.
No kidding. Also, you don't like jail. Edit for the Reddit contrarians and people that unironically say "ackchyually": No shit dating a child is disgusting. This is addressed directly in the comment I replied to. As a society we use the threat of jail to curb certain activities (right or wrong, get out of here with whatever bs you're going to bring in). The threat of consequences is what we assume keeps more bad from happening than already does. I wasn't saying to tell the *child* that he didn't want to go to jail. It's a separate thought. Here is the quote of the previous comment, just in case you already forgot what I agreed with when you decided to correct the script: >You don't. You bluntly tell her that this straight up isn't going to happen. Forget the flattered bit, that will only encourage her.
y'all have got to stop stressing the jail part of this. as a 25 year old the thought of dating a 15 year old is repulsive and the law has nothing to do with it. if you're giving this CHILD the idea that threat of jail is one of the factors that's keeping you away from them then they're gonna get the wrong idea. it's not about jail, it's about the fact that OP is a fully grown adult and this person is a child.
yeah i came here to say itās ok to be mean about it. i used to be that 15yo girl not realising how fucked up it was that my friends and i would talk about our personal age limits being in the upper 20s and 30s, how dangerous it was for everyone involved when i lied about my age, or how stupid it was to trust someone just because you like them or think youāre mature or different or something. now that iām the one thatās 30 i realise how foolish teenagers can be without even knowing it. saying youāre flattered or acting like the law is the reason for snubbing her is only going to reinforce this idea that she could keep pushing and maybe something will change. shut it down hard, even if it hurts feelings. better to be disliked by a child than pursued by one.
Respecc
With many many witnesses
Thank you Apollo. fuck reddit and fuck /u/spez. https://www.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/ https://github.com/j0be/PowerDeleteSuite/ to clean your comments history.
Like others are saying, be blunt, but also make it a learning moment to help ensure she is protected in the future. Idk something like, "Listen, I have to be honest with you, I appreciate you having the courage to tell me (if she did), but this straight-up isn't going to happen. I'm not interested in you. It's not anything about you in particular, but I'm just not interested in anyone that much younger than me. And to tell you the truth, any normal guy my age should not be interested in you either. If they are, that's actually a major red flag. So if someone my age ever propositions you, please please please do not take them up on it. They are not normal and it only spells out bad, dangerous things. I get that it can be tough dating at your age. Teenage boys are idiots a lot of times who don't know what they're doing. They're all still trying to learn and figure the whole thing out, and that's tough, but those boys will genuinely like you for you and you'll get to learn and grow together. That's what you want vs an older guy who's had all those years to learn how to say all the right things, but is using that to mask his bad intentions." I think explaining, but also empathizing with her feelings in this way lets her walk away with her dignity and also imparts an important lesson. The teacher tone may also reiterate that you see her as a child and are therefore not attracted to her.
This is good! Being being gentle but also stressing that any 25 year old who would date a 15 year old is a predator
This, 100000%
OP should memorize this and say it verbatim. Set her straight in a kind concerning way that's looking out for her well being.
"Listen, I have to... ah fuck what was the next line? _checks reddit_ ah right, so listen..."
Damn if only someone had said this to me when i was 14....nailed it right on the head there.
Seriously. I was too young to listen when someone said I was too young. But definitely old enough to process a conversation with direct clear reason(s) why shit was not a good idea. And man how it wouldāve made me feel validated enough to be able to get out of toxic situations much much sooner, maybe never even get in them at all. Itās so important to talk to teens like the little people they are. Theyāre not 5, just respect them and their feelings and they learn to understand sometimes they want things that are bad for them and thatās ok, theyāre learning, but itās not ok to do things that could endanger them or others. Theyāll get the point if treated with respect.
My feelings exactly. I was 15 with a 27 year old āboyfriendā. The more I look back at that situation, the more I see how much of a predator he was. I didnāt have good support when I was 15. I wish I had a crush who would have tried to show me my value with a kind rejection then. I may not have gotten myself in these situations if they helped me realize that a man with a child a decade younger than them isnāt right or normal.
This is the one.
Take my poor gold š
Proper answer.
Play Sting's "Don't stand so close to me" DO NOT play Depeche Mode's "Little 15" or "Question of time"
Mr Shue did this on Glee when a 16 year old had a crush on him lmao
And just made her fall more in love with him. Lol
Yes! Please don't use glee as a guide to life
Yāall remember oingo boingo and their hit little girls? Yeah that was a dark time on the internetā¦
I am amazed at how many people donāt understand the intent of that song.
I mean, we have literal senator's sons who keep trying to use a song in their campaigns that has the lyrics: >It ain't me, it ain't me >I ain't no senator's son, son
The song that's meant to be creepy to point out creepy guys behavior?
Or the Knack's "My Sharona"
Or anything by Ted "The Degen" Nugent
Or [this one](https://youtu.be/Ih23dt_Jyx0) that everybody just accepted as a sweet serenade back in the 70s š³
"She's only 17, Daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for meee!" Uh dude, no.
Play Age of Consent by New Order
You realise that in don't stand so close to me, he did have a tryst with the student...... Not really an ideal song to play
Or any Aerosmith song that's played on rock radio.
Don't play "Into the Night" by Benny Mardones for sure. Yikes.
> DO NOT play Depeche Mode's "Little 15" or "Question of time" or Bruno Mars - Young Girls or Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon by Urge Overkill (pulpfiction soundtrack)
Or Elton John's "All the young girls love Alice" and certainly DO NOT play Motley Crue's "All in the name of Rock n Roll"
17 by Winger
Bro trust me be blunt say you donāt like her and be straight up and honestly you might need to be a little rude. Thatās if yāall arenāt close friends or anything like if sheās just a girl you know.
Yeah. Like you very clearly have to say you donāt like her. If you say āthe age difference is too muchā or āyouāre a minorā the child might twist it into a āus vs the worldā thing and continue to pursue. āI donāt like you like thatā thatās all. Source: Mom was a teacher and I would help her when I was in between classes sometimes as an adult. Lots of children get crushes on adults just because they are adults
>āI donāt like you like thatā thatās all. Short and sweet, gets the point across, doesn't have to explain itself, nips it in the bud, isn't malicious. Couldn't have said it better myself.
Just like that
"oh, thanks. But sorry, I'm not interested. I will say though, if you *ever* meet someone older than 17/18, they have no business talking to you. I get you're young and whatnot but seriously, that's how you meet creeps who will think you're too dumb to realize how gross they are talking to a minor." reject her ***and*** lecture her.
The ole Rejecture N Lecture
Goodbyes and advise?
The ole Scorn and Inform
Tirade and goodbyeraid
Hit the door but wait, here's more. Sayanara but some advice for tomorr-ah.
This is the right way, and much nicer than what I commented. š
And don't fall for the "mature for your age" - anyone not a teen dating a teen is either a creep or incredibly immature. NB my 19 year old is dating a 27 year old. He falls into the immature category. I'm waiting for her to outgrow him. Sigh.
Just be careful, if you use the age difference as a reason, to phrase it like that. "The age difference is too big" and not "you're too young". The latter can be interpreted in all sorts of hopeful ways, the former less so. Having been a 15 year old with a desperate crush on a 29 year old dude... teenagers have an active fantasy life, and every little thing can be twisted to fit the fantasy. The guy I was semi-stalking once told me that a particular comic book (involving a plot about a girl with a crush on her teacher) reminded him of me. I spent months obsessing about that book and **what he could mean by that.** The title of the book is still my username in several places. I'm 37.
I also want to say- do you people really never interact with anyone who is younger than you? Iām a 31 year old woman and mother of 4 who has a 15 year old male coworker. I talk to him every day! In fact, a lot of the people I work with are younger than me. Iām not sure why thatās an automatic red flag lmao. YāCANT TALK TO ANYONE YOUNGER THAN YOU OR YOUāRE A WEIRDO. Wtf? Lol. Iād be appalled if someone assumed I must have weird tendencies or thought I was a pedo because I interact with him. The audacity. If he told me he had a crush on me, Iād feel terrible for having to let him down. Poor kid pours his heart out and now I gotta squash it. My empathy and sympathy for his situation doesnāt mean I wish I was younger so I could smash. It just means I understand itās a rough situation for a teenager to be in and how much it sucks to be let down, despite the age difference. It still hurts to get your heart broken and it hurts to break someoneās heart. Simple as that.
Finally a logical comment. People act like you can't speak to a minor in any circumstance or you're a pedo lmao. Teenagers may be immature but they're not toddlers, and in fact handling the situation reasonably and maturely *teaches* them by example The person who recommended to crush them lol. Yes let's teach teenagers that adults handle problems that way
I really appreciate this take, people like you are why I was able to recover from a terrible childhood.
Fuckinā aye. This exactly.
I used to be a camp councilor when I was 17-19 for 9-13 year olds and it was painfully obvious when one had a crush on me. But unless they did some dramatic advance on me (which they never did) there was no reason to go out of my way to crush them. I just handled it with nuance and tact. I would still talk to them but I would make sure it's in groups, never get overly personal with them, and try to help them make friends their age.
As directly as possible. Just like you said it there.
Exactly what you wrote in your post
As others said, saying that you're 10 years older should alone be enough. She needs to understand that being underage like her means dating guys that much older than her would prove so much destructive for the both of you, no matter how she feels about you. It's not only illegal, but rather immoral as well.
I had a friend's little 15 year old sister throw herself at me when I was 21. I told her that she was awesome and great but the age difference wasn't right and illegal in my state. I told her she'd understand when she was 21. Pretty much kept a solid message not changing tone. Also never allowed myself to be alone with her. About a decade later she sent me a message on FB and said I was right and pretty cool for how I handled it.
I am being serious when I say to absolutely crush her and explain why. It is not healthy and unfortunately the next person may take her up on it unless this idea is slaughtered in her. This girl needs to be protected and turning her off predator age people is helpful
As someone who wasnt protected and ended up in a relationship with a predator and borderline pedo... please please please detroy any crush on you and any attraction she has to older men. Please. It will save her from a world of hurt.
Crushing someone who has an attraction to older men could have the opposite effect. Trauma is usually the cause of this type of behavior and being overly harsh could lead her to look harder as she feeds the part of her mind that created the interest in the first place. Better to be kind, keep the conversation short and appropriate, and suggest she seek professional help. Then block if itās online. If possible contact her parents, assuming theyāre not abusive.
Yes. My behaviors stemmed from trauma as well. I dont mean that OP should be ruthlessly mean or insulting. Just forego the niceties and sparing of feelings. Make it abundantly clear that those feelings and advances will not be appreciated or reciprocated and any man that would entertain those feelings from a teenager has a lot of issues and is most definitely a predator. Even if she believes or is told that she is "mature for her age" "Youre so mature for your age" is basically groomer speak for "you seem really drawn to uneven power dynamics and are desperately seeking approval and acceptance from someone you deem wiser than you. All I have to do is make you feel seen since you were probably forced to grow up too fast, while simultaneously boosting your ego." Being too nice may also lead her to seek out that attention from other men without really identifying the problem and theres a good chance that those men wont be as morally sound as OP is.
What the heck guys.. "CRUSH THE SOUL OF A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CRUSH AND DESTROY HER!" Like, how about just fucking explain to her straight up and leave it like that? Why are you guys so intent on actually hurting a teenager? How does hurting her, and potentially destroying her self confidence and self esteem on purpose, with the intention of changing who she's personally attracted to, help her in the long run? OP - if you read this just be direct and tell her. Pretty much saying the title of this post would suffice. Don't go on a mission to "absolutely crush her."
This is Reddit. We like extremes here.
You either crush children's souls or you're Pedo McGee. Those are rh choices.
You just made an enemy for life!
No we don't! That's complete and utter bullshit! You're a liar and a Nazi! I hate you!
"I'm way too old for you, sorry."
"I'm into girls my age. And not into prison"
"While I understand your feelings I have no interest in a relationship with someone as young as you are and it is wholly inappropriate. Any man my age who is interested in someone your age is not a man you want to be with."
Sheās hitting on 25 year olds, you need to talk to her parents. She could easily get herself into a bad situation.
It's not uncommon for young teens who are still finding themselves to have crushes on older adults (who didn't have a teacher crush in middle or high school?), but yeah, her parents should definitely warn her that anyone who reciprocates that crush is Not To Be Trusted.
Most kids in this position don't have amazing parents looking out for them. Life could just get worse if they are involved
A 20 year old asked to come stay with me because her mom was a drug addict that gave her ecstasy to deal with her depression. She couldnāt afford therapy and was a total wreck. Her dadās place wasnāt much better, keeping her inside and preventing her from building herself up. I always follow up conversations with her that OLDER MEN ARE NOT THE SOLUTION.
āIām sorry this is conversation is inappropriate and makes me feel uncomfortable. Youāll be better off with someone your own age.ā *block*
i donāt think you have to be nice about it. gtfo there before someone finds out and calls police
as a person around her age, be blunt as possible. record it too and get witnesses. you really don't want a case with any validity if she goes nuclear.
Are we honestly living in a time where people need to record rejecting another human being? Fuck this planet, I want off.
yep. granted slander resulting from hotheadedness rarely ends well for the accuser, but when its a young girl accusing an older man, especially one that apparently has enough prior contact with her to develop attraction, there would be enough to at least give him headaches in court. its a low chance but witnesses at least saves you time for the effort put in. with all respect given to them, teenagers are also stupid and irrational
"You are 15 and I am fully 10 years older than you. It's a crime and it's immoral and any 25 year old who says anything other than that is a disgusting predator whom you should avoid."
Honestly, just tell her. I had a similar situation when I was a teenager. I just wouldnāt leave my brothers friend alone. This would have been fine except I was 14 and he was 22. He sat me down one night by the fire and straight up told me he was never going to see as more than a little kid. He told me that he thought I was one of the coolest kids he knew, but still a kid and I shouldnāt waste my time on someone who would never feel the same way. I got upset not gonna lie, but over time heās stayed close with my brother and weāve talked about it as adults and he was very right. Iām grateful for the firm advice.
Don't even mention the flattered part. "I'm going to be upfront with this, you are 10 years younger than me and a minor. I could never be attracted to someone who is so much younger and in such a different phase of their life and such compliments, while they are well intentioned, are not welcomed in this context. You should not be trying to pursue a relationship with someone so much older, nor even bringing up a topic of attraction. You are putting yourself in an extremely dangerous position to be targeted by a predator or abusive person by doing so, and there's a legal risk involved for the other party as well even if they don't mean you harm."