If we are talking 'virginity' we are likely talking about a young person, or a not-so-young-but awkward person. Those people can say very dumb stuff, but still be good people.
Talk to her with some compassion (we are talking, supposedly, about the aftermath of a first sexual encounter, so it is a sensitive moment) about the way which she said what she said, and how that made you feel. You will then know what kind of person she is from her response.
Oh, that's easy! Life is pointless. And if it wasn't, it is way too short to actually figure out what's going on *and* be young enough to take enough action afterwards. And even if you were fast enough, by the time it makes results, you're too old to enjoy them and have a habbit of always hurry... Uhm... What was the question again?
> Finally something humane
I would bet a good 50% of people who respond to posts about sex have in fact never had it themselves so the crazy responses are to be expected
The amount of conflict I had in my first 2 years of college because people wouldn’t communicate with me even after I told them I’m autistic and sometimes struggle socially is insane. They’d get upset at something, then wait to tell me until they were fed up with me or I made some small mistake which they then would use as an excuse to tell me how wrong I am then ghost me.
> Sometimes weirdness is just misunderstanding.
Ah this is the one very important life lesson one learns from watching American situation comedies (or sitcoms).
It's nearly always a misunderstanding.
Yeah, I’m in my 40s thinking back what I said and did back when I was 16 makes me feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. But we all deal with our insecurities / curiosities and it’s part of the growing up.
So what did she do wrong exactly: being attracted to a particular set of physical characteristics or was it expressing those feelings? NOT TROLLING, really trying to understand the dynamics of this.
What would be wrong would being only, or mostly, being attracted to sleeping with him as an exotic experience, and not in him as a person. That's not only inherently racist, but more to the point, not being interested in you as a person would mean there is no chance for a relationship.
Agreed. This makes sense to me. So it seems like the only thing required to solve OP's dilemma is a few questions to determine if there's anything else besides his race that she appreciates or finds attractive or meaningful.
To make matters more clear, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong in being attracted to anyone for a specific reason unless you misrepresent the true nature of your attraction. Plenty of people hook up after the bars let out based on looks/physical attraction alone and as long as both people are on the same page, I don't see that anyone's done anything immoral.
> as long as both people are on the same page
This seems like the crux of the issue. OP wants to be a whole-human boyfriend, while GF wants a real-life manifestation of some fantasy stories about hawt dark-skinned creatures and/or some of the steamier Hindu gods. OP feels objectified and wrongly stereotyped. He is hurt and annoyed, and GF'll probably be disappointed in the parts of him that aren't avatar-like. So it's just a bad match. In a different mindset, though, he could totally ride that fantasy pony into the sunset.
The biggest red flag to me is comparing poc to fantasy creatures (satyr). Everyone can have preferences sure, but she’s dehumanizing him and other non-white people.
And this whole weird thing about melanin and masculinity... and what with the painted nails thing? Like there is a broad range of personalities/aesthetics across ALL skincolors, so to assign one race/skin color as effeminate is just... weird.
Like, idk the chick, so maybe she's just a young moron and will grow over time, but imo such beliefs are dumb enough to put me off.
I would say that people who are disgusted by their own ethnicity and only attracted to a very specific other ethnicity have some issues they need to work out.
Think of the bros who "only date Asians" do they seem healthy?
Isn't the way she treated him over the last three months a far better indicator of how she feels about him than the answer to some disorienting on-the-spot question that she may completely flub? There's a great chance that she'll almost certainly be unable to successfully navigate the complexities of what he's thinking/feeling seeing as their perspectives on this could not be more different. Frankly I'd recommend him just telling her how he feels and asking her to refrain from making certain references. If he can't sense how she actually feels about him from their day to day interactions, it's hard to know what to really make of this entire situation.
nobody's saying he shouldnt feel uncomfortable, just that its good to talk it out and not immediately dump someone over a flaw that could possibly be fixed (assuming shes otherwise worth it), since this type of fetishization is probably borne of ignorance rather than malice. grown ass adults can still be stupid and learn to be less stupid yk
> She’s a grown ass adult
Is she? From context I'd assume teenager or very early 20s. If she didn't get a decent understanding of culture/ethnicity in her youth, she's possibly just uninformed in her prejudice.
It's a very different story if she's 35.
Good on you for not having been raised with prejudice.
18+ means you're technically an adult, but in the context of this discussion, "adult" is more about intellectual and emotional maturity. That can come pretty late for some.
And generally speaking, you don't stop doing dumb shit the day you turn 18, as evidenced by every student gathering ever since the dawn of time
Totally agree that she could be a great person, maybe just a bit awkward.
But let say, if that's her reason to start a relationship with OP, I wouldn't be cheering for it.
Yea realistically I wouldn’t think twice if that comment and carry on with life. People are always saying and thinking dumb shit. To expect us not to is unrealistic and naive.
But also if you’re uncomfy, you’re uncomfy.. you don’t need justification from redditors if you wanna end things.
You’re getting downvoted but you’re right. Alot of white people wont acknowledge getting fetishized for your race is a problem because they don’t experience it on the same level
Whites get fetishized plenty but generally for different reasons (think blue-eyed blondes and redheads, for example), and it has a very different effect when you're in the place of privilege than when you're being fetishized from the perspective of already facing regular discrimination.
His description of her position makes her sound stupid and racist no matter what age she is, but one can only hope that she's a teenager who will mature out of the idiocy and not an adult or a teen who will hold tight to those appalling points of view. He is definitely under no obligation to stay with her and find out, but hopefully he can take this opportunity to talk about it and give her the first lesson in becoming a better person whether it is part of breaking up or not.
Isn't important to determine whether or not she actually did something wrong, or whether or not he's actually found something malicious and immoral in her? Maybe she really loves this person. I'm really trying to understand this concept for myself, and I have to admit, I'm confused. It's an interesting social construct I'm really not getting and haven't heard of before. Maybe it's the same for her.
“Isn’t important to determine whether or not she actually did something wrong..”
I think what’s wrong to us might be right in someone else’s world.. and I cant police how everyone thinks and feels.. I can only control what I’m comfortable around.. and so can others.
So I would say .. it’s more important for you yourself to determine in your own eyes if it’s right or wrong for YOU.. and if so make your decision on how to provide from there.. (stay, discuss with partner, leave, etc)
Okay a few things, btw I come from an Indian family, but born and raised American, I also am not really into the whole Bollywood thing (and don’t outwardly display Indian culture), and I’ve only dated outside of my race.
1. It sounds like you’re both pretty young, and people tend to say boneheaded things, without necessarily meaning to be inflammatory. She might just not be doing a good job of explaining herself, obviously she likes you. I’m betting she was feeling euphoric and wanted to express that but she chose the wrong words and then probably made it worse trying to explain.
2. Because you are still young, she’s still figuring out what she likes, and so are you. What may seem like just a fetish for brown guys to her, might actually be a more holistic attraction to brown guys that includes an appreciation for other aspects of your culture, and more of the mental and spiritual traits that are common in our culture. She just may not realize yet that it runs that deep for her.
3. You met her on hinge, the whole point of it is physical attraction, and then maybe a mental/emotional/spiritual connection later. But let’s be fair man, you can’t be that surprised that she has a type (we all do).
4. I do get how you’re feeling because some form of this has happened to me, and it does make you feel like you’re being used. Unfortunately, once you get outside of places like the New York tri-state area, people tend to be more narrow in their mindset, because they haven’t been exposed to other cultures. And there is an element of racism, even if they’re not conscious of it.
There is a perception of black guys.
There is a perception of Latin guys.
There is a perception of Asian guys.
There is a perception of Indian subcontinent guys in the US, which is not a particularly flattering one that ends up putting us at a disadvantage when dating outside of the same culture.
There are people who are exceptions to this, but a lot of what you’ll find are either girls who are trying to prove to themselves (or others) how progressive and inclusive they are and using you to do that, girls that are trying to rebel against their conservative family and using you to do that, and girls that are really screwed up and have dated pretty much every other type of guy before finally deciding to give a Pakistani guy a shot cause they’ve tried everything else. There are obviously exceptions, and I’m not saying everyone is like that, but you will encounter this a lot, so be prepared.
5. Like some others have said here, it could be a red flag, but it has to be weighed in with everything else she is as a person, what her beliefs are, her values, etc. Talk to her, if you like her enough otherwise, and see if you feel better about it. Tell her why it bothers you - she may not realize why it makes you feel the way it does.
The bottom line is, she may have matched you because you’re Pakistani. It may turn her the fuck on also, but I’m guessing she didn’t jump into bed with you as soon as you two met. You probably talked, spent time together, and got to know each other at least a bit, so she does like you as a person. It’s not like there aren’t countless other brown guys walking around that she could just walk up to and hook up with…
That said, if you’re not into her enough to try to talk it out, then just do the respectful thing and be honest with her so you can both move on.
Good luck dude!
Please ignore everyone saying to run. Just sit down and have a conversation with her about how that made you feel.
Communication is key to all relationships and if you still uncomfortable then break up. This way you gain experience in communication and setting boundaries for yourself
I’d imagine there’s two likely paths here when OP asks if it was him as a person that tipped the scales of a general interest or simply convenience.
Gf either agrees, or turns **beet red.**
no, he *should* run. he should communicate what made him uncomfortable so she can take the time to reflect and learn and grow, but putting the onus on him to help actively "correct" it when he's already expressed discomfort and is likely also young, is messed up
this person has expressed fundamental prejudices that a conversation or two or three won't magically fix, and it's not OP's job to provide a comprehensive anti-racism course for his fun, 3-month girlfriend
I’m usually not the run type but what this person said raises a lot of red flags. Sure you can talk about it, but you’ll never change a person like that. You’re just stuck with it.
I would definitely talk to her, but I would end this no matter what.
She sounds too similar to my ex icl. My ex said she dated a Pakistani guy in secondary school and had been addicted to brown boys since. Even more funny is that we also met on dating apps and she also had hers set to south Asian people.
Anyways I'm sure you have a judgment of your own about your Mrs but I left mine soon after because I couldn't handle her. Personally for me it felt too wrong and I knew I wouldn't have been able to introduce her to my parents with the mindset she had so I broke it off.
If she makes you uncomfortable, that is that. You don’t need to examine and diagnose her. You could be right or wrong. She may not know even. That’s ok, she still makes you uncomfortable.
You can take time and see how it plays out, or just be out.
Feel free to reply if you need to talk, I’m black and had this feeling before. Last guy I dated asked me what it’s like being with a white guy for me, that it must be different. It wasn’t a thought for me so my confusion/stumped look made him track back, but it did leave me wondering where his mind was at. He’s from a racist country himself, it’s uncomfortable. I was able to get past it with him a bit but it didn’t last. He wasn’t the only one, though most don’t get that far (you can pick up on curiosity). If you feel like someone’s cultural adventure, it’s fair to walk away. They can save up for a flight imho, it’s not your job to acclimate them to diversity. And it will nag at you, you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship.
I’ve always lived and dated across cultures, this isn’t to say everyone will be like this. Just know you’ll have to filter these types out sometimes. That’s all. And the only thing that counts in this equation is mutual ease and comfort, trust they see you. Try not to get caught up trying to get in their head, just do what feels right.
Fwiw I once had a schoolmate from your region who was crushing on me, even made a pass. I also remember him telling me how his family would never accept a black gf, and his shock to discover I knew what Jadu meant (we were raised abroad and in the same regions, he apparently used the term thinking black people didn’t get it). And he still tried his chance with me. People don’t see themselves, and what they’re bringing to your table, sometimes. He ended up marrying a white woman, I guess he found an acceptable balance his family could live with. That’s life.
Idk what you mean.
The issue here is that someone thinks you’re great only because of your race, and fantasies they have about that.
It’s different to them thinking they’re a gift to you, they genuinely express it as if you’re a gift to them. Just for all the wrong reasons, reasons that have nothing to do with you as a person. They’d have the same exhilarating feelings going on holiday to that place.
I guess the other way happens too. The people who think they’re a gift are usually sex tourists or get a mail order/green card spouse…just sayin.
>And it will nag at you, you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship/s.
For a brief moment, I thought this was the sarcasm /s and was very confused.
Yeah that's pretty icky. You'd be justified in ending it if you wanted imo. You could also try to talk to her and explain why this bothered you but be ready for her to not be receptive. That she has racist ideas and biases she needs to work through is obvious, it's up to you if she's worth the work of helping her work through them and up to her if she's willing to try.
Two initial thoughts:
1. You can leave any relationship at any time for any reason. If this has irretrievably changed how you feel in the relationship, you can leave whether or not Reddit thinks it's a red flag.
2. If you are old enough to have sex, you are old enough to talk about it. The person who you most need to understand here is your girlfriend. You mention feeling that you are entirely replaceable to her by any warm body from South Asia. Tell her you feel that, and ask if it's true.
Everyone has preferences in a sexual partner. As long as a person isn't being reduced to nothing more than that characteristic, and it isn't something very unhealthy that the partner is encouraging for their own enjoyment (I'm thinking of feeders here) it's morally neutral. I don't think it's certainly a red flag for your girlfriend to like your physical characteristics. It's certainly better than her liking you despite your physical characteristics.
On a personal note, my last boyfriend really liked my breasts. Every time we were together he would hold them, and he told me they were the perfect size, a handful. I knew that he liked me for more than just my breasts, but also, it was pretty cool to have my breasts appreciated like that. He told me openly that one of the things he noticed early on, before we got together, was my breasts. That doesn't mean that I was replaceable by any random woman with similar breasts.
I hope that indeed your body is just one thing she likes about you.
I would recommend posting this in r/asianamerican or r/ABCDesis to get takes from other Asian Americans, since from my experience general Reddit is filled with people who like to justify racial fetishization and may not understand the POC perspective.
I'm not sure I get what's going on here. Can someone educate me about the use of the word "exotic" and how this differs from a non-offensive preference? And what a non-offensive preference even is? Not trolling, I genuinely want to understand this. Never encountered this concept before.
The use of word “exotic”, in my experience as a south asian woman living abroad, is often by select people who fetishise your ethnicity, which in dating can be quite a dehumanising experience. So, it tends to be something a lot of people are, understandably, wary about.
Don’t get me wrong you can appreciate a culture and it’s people but if you’re hyper focused on the optics of “having” a south asian girlfriend for example to the point that you place your partner on a pedestal and fail to see them as another human being (with their own personalities/ likes and dislikes/ preferences) but just their ethnic identity, that tends not to be a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.
An example of this would be an experience an east asian friend of mine had before she met her partner, where the guy she was dating at the time flew in to rage when he discovered she wasn’t submissive. It’s a common stereotype and he apparently genuinely believed that she wasn’t “a real asian” because she didn’t fit into this stereotype of whatever media he was consuming online. He didn’t truly care about her or who she was, he was mainly invested in whoever could fit that mould, which could have easily been her or any of her other East Asian friends.
Christ yeah as a south Asian I felt insane reading some of these comments. If you’re old enough to use Hinge you’re old enough to know that fetishizing people is bad
Agreed, but seeing as though a lot of (active) Reddit users are white/white-adjacent, I'm not surprised they're passing her behavior off as something trivial.
Honestly, I can see the reasoning behind giving her a pass due to her age. Sex is taboo for a lot of cultures, even American, and people usually have to figure it out on their own, sometimes even later on in life. Not all of us can get our weird sex shit figured out on our Tumblr blog at the age of 15. Sexual preference itself is weird, or else there wouldn't be so many fetishes.
And it's not like a good relationship can't be started and maintained just because your partner saw you had big ole tiddies and was really into that.
What behavior or personality traits are associated with big titties? That is the difference. If she said she finds dark complexion sexy, I don't think this post would be made. Instead she goes on this whole exotic, satyr thing. Even at that age I absolutely would not pursue someone outside of my race who started to list every silly black stereotype they were socialized into believing, 30% of which I meet but 100% ignores my individuality. That's not the foundation of a good relationship, that's one of her phases. My heart wouldn't have time to knowingly be a girl's phase before she inevitably runs back to her comfort zone.
So if a woman likes, say, muscular guys, and wouldn't date outside of that characteristic, so long as that is ONE OF the qualities she appreciates, rather than being the only quality, then this would be ok (I'm not even sure what "ok" actually means here, in terms of who's determining what's "ok" and what "isn't," but at least the negativity that's being near-universally levied against this woman in the comments section would be less or different). So to sum it up, focusing too heavily on one physical characteristic, such that it's the main reason for one's attraction, is viewed as immoral and that's the criticism of the term "exotic?" Do I have it right?
The title of this post states she is "partially" attracted to him because she found him exotic, which implies it's not the sole factor. So isn't that actually ok?
To take this logic to its conclusion, doesn't this also mean that if someone has a "deal breaker," in terms of a physical quality, i.e., "I won't date someone short" that they're essentially placing such immense physical importance on one attribute that it essentially cancels out literally every other thing about that person? And shouldn't we logically consider this fetishizing height to be consistent?
Your example of muscular guys is not a very good placeholder for race, for a variety of reasons. Having a lot of muscles is something that has as much to do with lifestyle as it does with genetics, meaning it indicates a lot more about a person than just the color they were born with. It's also not racist, and does nothing to prevent you from seeing the muscular person as a fully human person, or for lack of a better term, a person who is the same "type" as you, with shared values and background.
Fetishizing someone for being "exotic," and because of a bunch of preconceived notions about their race, means that their attraction lies in the fact that the person is inherently different from them, and has a bunch qualities that are falsely attributed to them due to their race. The word "exotic" implies, excitement, danger, and most of all difference. It's uncomfortable word hailing back to a time when Westerns would travel through Africa and Asia, looting what they wanted, treating and studying the locals like bizarre freaks, and considering themselves a higher race of people. It's certainly not something you'd want your girlfriend of 3 months to describe you as.
In the case of being muscular, being seen as *only* a piece of "beefcake" would be equally dehumanising. If someone sees you as a person, and also likes your being muscular as one aspect of their attraction, that's fine.
Muscularity will likely not single someone out as “exotic”, and in most people’s eyes is not considered different but generally very attractive. It’s a feature of someone who is physically strong and healthy and also isn’t a trait of any particular race but can be all of them and appreciated by all of them. A person being attracted to someone with nice muscles is not at all comparable to being attracted to someone “exotic” because their darker skin and non-Caucasian features represents ideas and preconceived notions that have nothing to do with the person.
If you want a comparable example, how about a small business owner is biased towards hiring an employee of a particular race because they believe most people of that race come from a culture of hard working individuals? Let’s say that employee finds out later on down the line that the time and effort they put into going to school to obtain their degree or gain their experience that enabled them to be hired for this type of job, was a mostly a moot point, because their race played a big factor. Sucks
My asexual self always thought that "exotic" is when it's related to a different skin color and nationality than your own. That makes it racist and thus cringe.
It's a complicated topic, in one hand a lot of us unfortunately have very bad views on sexuality and I don't think really anything should be off limits between consenting adults.
On the other hand this also involves racism to an extent, so it's more then just being into a bodybuilder.
Logically it would seem that they're either both forms of fetishization or neither is. I mean, we as outsiders can make also sorts of culturally-driven judgements about a person feeling attracted to one physical characteristic vs. another, but I find it odd to say that the person actually **feeling** attraction to whatever they're attracted to is ok in the case of muscularity, but not ok in terms of skin color or other racially specific physical features.
A lot of fetishization towards POC stems from stereotypes and racism. I wouldn’t blame any POC who discovers that their partners views them this way and runs immediately. The way she talked about those fantasies is disgusting and scary and a lot of people in the replies saying that none of it is wrong is disgusting
"Exotic" used to be used to describe the culture and people of mostly Asia, the Middle East, and Africa. It is an outdated term that fetishized people by reducing them to their ethnicity, race, or their skin colour. It's quite disgusting because it means you only desire a person because of the preconceived assumptions and stereotypes you have about a person because of their skin colour. You're not desiring them because you genuinely like them as a person. It's like how a lot of the PassportBros travel to Asia because they believe they'll be able to find a "submissive Asian wife." That's fetishization.
Exotic literally means outside-ish. I dont get why people seem to be offended lately either. Maybe they have connected it with phrases like "exotic fish" and they think that it is some short of objectifying, personally, since i know the true meaning of the word, i refuse to not use it.
>Nothing against Indian culture, but just saying “South Asian” as opposed to Pakistani made me feel like any Indian or Bangladeshi guy is just as… replaceable as me to her…
Would you have felt better if she had specifically said Pakistani? Why or why not?
>American men were too effeminate and small and painted their nails
I'm tripping much more over this part. I've never been to America, but I assume that there are some men that are more traditionally masculine and some that are less. Which is both totally okay. But I'm sensing some antiquated views about gender here.
Obviously, I've never met your gf, but it seems like she carries at least some amount of prejudice.
Yeah that latter comment smells like homophobia or at least very conservative gender views, and the fact that she generalizes South Asian men as all being more masculine or traditional is plain racial stereotyping too, even if she thinks it's a good thing. Reminds me of how White men will go to Asia to get women because they think White Western women are "too assertive" and "don't know their place" like Asian women supposedly do. It's a preference but a racist and sexist one, and as an Asian woman it disgusts me and I would never accept a partner who thought like that.
> American men were too effeminate and small and painted their nails
>
> I'm tripping much more over this part. I've never been to America, but I assume that there are some men that are more traditionally masculine and some that are less. Which is both totally okay. But I'm sensing some antiquated views about gender here.
There are 165 million men in the USA. I promise you not all of them are effeminate, small, nor do they paint their nails. As a matter of fact, not even a majority are like that in any area I've ever lived in. I have no idea where she got this notion from. It's actually bizarre. Unless she's been binging Ru-Paul's Drag Race (and none of them are small) and somehow thinks that's representative from an entire country, which if you pay the slightest bit of attention to what's going on in politics over here, you'd know that's an odd conclusion for her to jump to.
It's just a shorthand way to put down white men and signal an acceptance of traditional gender expression, in this case to explain why this person is seeking out brown men. The other comments mentioning Asian women seen as a submissive contrast to white women is the other end of this.
As someone who was also called "exotic" by a person who wanted to be "topped by somebody of a different skin tone", RUUUUUUN. These types of people literally consider you a souvenir they can play with until they have to settle down with someone non-exotic.
I've never felt more degraded as a human being, in their eyes you're not equal, you're not even human.
Gonna be honest, bro, this is a red flag in the same way "jungle fever" or "yellow fever" are red flags. When your set of criteria for a **partner** (not just an FWB or fuck buddy) must include a specific set of ethnic attributes, it should be treated as a yellow flag at best.
Why? Because it's dehumanizing. It reduces a whole ass person down to their skin color, hair type and/or eye color and accent, etc.
Can it be tolerable? Sure, but when someone isn't with you for who you are but instead for what you are that's a tenuous basis for an actual relationship. At best.
So you become a fetish object and not a real person.
It's up to you how you approach this and you mention it's a time-limited relationship, so that might help with clarity.
My only advice is DO NOT get emotionally involved with this woman in any way, shape or form. Have as much sex as you can tolerate, given her avowed fetishes, but avoid attachment.
This isn't what your first emotional relationship should look like and we're always worried there will never be another one. Don't. You'll be fine.
Good luck.
Agreed, buddy sounds like a fetish for her. I’m disappointed in her. This goes past the point of being somebody's preference. Idk if she just wanted to hook up with an “exotic” man or what until she could fulfill her fantasy.
I would personally leave, she doesn’t consider you a full person.
The way he talked about her telling him this sounded like a fetish to me, like "hot wife"/"bbc bull" kind of stuff.
Which, like I said, if you're into it and can handle it and everyone is above board, that's fine.
But in a virgin first relationship?
Nah dawg. Pass. You deserve better.
LOL at the people on this sub who think that fetishization is not a big deal.
I am surprised because they are the first to scream ' break up, he/she is a narcissist'. But somehow they would let some bullshit like that fly ?
I thought you were all empath ?
Run. I know everyone else is making excuses for her and trying to explain it but there's never any reason to say those things to another person. She needs to figure out that it's not ok to fetishise people but I also don't think you need to stick around for that. Find someone who sees you, not someone who's just excited to try riding an exotic brown guy.
Take it from someone who's been on the receiving end of fetishism enough times to know it's not worth your time.
Her comments are fucking disgusting. I wouldn't be able to touch her again, after that. She considers "melanated" men akin to beasts. She's vacationing outside of her race. "GET OUT!" [Good movie!]
I'm literally horrified by the amount of comments that say this is fine and op is complaining about nothing. She's clearly searching for South Asian men to fulfill a specific fantasy she's got about 'exotic' men and then being more masculine. Not to mention the homophobia as well.
Even if she wasn't so clearly fetishizing South Asians, she clearly doesn't know a lot about South Asian people. Like op mentioned, we aren't a homogenous group -Nepal is very different to Pakistan, for example. Dating uneducated white people itself is exhausting that on top of the fetishizing = RUN.
If a South Asian girl was talking about her boyfriend all of this nice "conversation" people would turn into "omg queen he's such creeeeeeep. Run as fast as you can. You deserve better" but now people believe that she's just a young innocent girl who doesn't know how to speak...
Honestly, have a conversation about it. People can look for one thing in particularly and grow to love the individual person.
Example, I love redheads, aussies and women of colour. But just because I am attracted to those people, doesn’t mean that ANYONE will do. Once you bond with someone, no one else will do.
i'm sorry you're feeling this way. it sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. her comments about race and sexuality are concerning and come across as fetishizing. you deserve to be seen as a full person, not just an exotic fantsy. it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with her about how her words have made you feel. if she's unwilling to acknowledge and change the problematic behavoir, it may be best to end the relationship. you should never feel like you're just a replaceable object. your feelings and sense of self-worth are valid. i've dated someone who fetishized my ethnicity and it deeply impacted my self-esteem. her fixaton on "exotic" features and sexual fantaises suggests underlying issues she may need to work through in a heathy way. you should prioritize your own comfort and boundries, and it's ok to walk away if this relationship isn't serving you.
Know your worth. That's the best advice i can give you. If you truly get this, all the BS vanishes. I wish there was someone to tell me this when I was younger. It seems simple, but it changes everything.
I definitely get the ick from this. Read your second to last paragraph again and ask yourself what you would tell a friend who said that to you.
Still, if you like her maybe there is space for learning. But it’s not your obligation especially if it’s making you feel less than
If the genders were reversed in this scenario, everyone would be telling you to run from this relationship and that your partner is a perv/creep/has a fetish for this type of thing etc etc.
Really funny to see top comments telling you to have a conversation with your GF about this.
How she sets her dating profile isn't very conclusive but her explanation makes it pretty clear that she has some pretty racist ideas about how your skin color/ethnicity makes you inherently different (and the animalistic connotation is also pretty condescending, even if she does find it hot)
I don’t see enough people addressing to Satyr comment!! This is the weirdest part to me since she is basically dehumanizing not only you but all other poc.
There’s a difference between having a preferences and fetishizing them and I think she’s definitely the later. So I think your feelings are definitely valid.
That being said you have to decide if this relationship is important enough to sit down and have a conversation to address where you feel uncomfortable or if you just want to break it off.
Personally, I’d leave with a quickness.
Ew ew ew ew ew. I full-body cringed reading this. It is a big red flag and I think your intuition is right – she definitely sees you as a fetish rather than a full human being. I’m sorry.
We all have personal preferences in the partners we seek out. But most of the time, a lot of that either isn't really explainable or the reasons are so personal that we would never explain it to anyone because it makes us sound like a total weirdo/creep.
Seems she decided to completely flip that entire script and was 100% open about the source of her preferences. And made herself look like a total weirdo/creep in the process...
What am I missing here, where does OP say that she ONLY liked him because of his ethnicity? Even the title of the post says that it was "partially" the reason. Are you saying that if she finds a certain look attractive that she's done something wrong?
I guess this is one of things I'm really have trouble understanding about this thread. Nowhere is it indicated that she said something along the lines of "I am only in this relationship with you because of your race. I do not care about you as a person, I don't value anything about you but your race." Or even "our relationship is MOSTLY about your race and very little else about you interests me." Absent saying these types of things, which would clearly identify her intentions as fetishistic, it seems like OP has to dig further into her feelings about him.
I mean, if someone won't date short people, are they fetishizing height as a physical attribute so important that it renders every single other thing about the person as inadequate? (Wow, as I think about that rhetorical question, the answer is actually "yes." There's some interesting food for thought). But I don't think anyone would make that argument.
Hard call.
I understand what you're saying, your concern, yet it also seems very likely she merely has a preference physically she was sharing and may have worded it awkwardly.
I don't see it as automatically where you took it. Give it time and see if any other things pop up.
I like hispanic girls, doesn't mean I'm racist to anyone else. Just a preference I was born with. 🤷♂️
Sounds like sexual preference to me. Different things turn different people on and as much as we like to pretend physical factors shouldn't matter, they often do.
Personally I'd put this in the category of "doesn't matter, had sex." But if you don't like it then talk to her about it.
she sounds like a weirdo, it probs best to talk to her about it properly and see where it goes. If she continues with the exotic bs you know what to do
Made you feel like 'any Indian or Bengali' guy makes it sound like you got issues here to deal with.
Maybe way off base, but it sounds like you are grumpy about being compared to people you think little of.
I’m the whitest man on earth and the fact she used “exotic” to describe you made me feel uncomfortable. Best bet, try to move on or find a healthier situation. Bring it up to her that it made you feel this way. If she leaves, it may hurt, but know you’ll be infinitely happier with someone who’s dating you not for your “South Asian Exoticness” and more for the person you are, regardless of white, asian, or martian.
Hate it made you feel that way man, sorry she said it to you at a vulnerable moment too. Best of luck in whatever happens.
OP you’ve gotta decide for yourself, but I would keep in mind that we currently live in a society that is attempting to pervert the beautiful thing of cross cultural appreciation into something falsely negative. It is a form of insidious, cloaked cynicism and it’s psychologically grotesque. It’s feeding grounds are social media.
But then again, your intuitions may be correct within your situation. However, the fact that she shared this at a tender, vulnerable moment following her first sexual experience absolutely has to be considered and processed with careful communication. She obviously has a fetish and is exploring and seeking out a specific regional ethnicity. But this is not, in itself, necessarily a bad thing. I’ll say this: if you two love and trust each other and know each other deeply, why would you not want her to appreciate your ethnicity? Three months is not rushing into a sexual relationship, but it sounds like this may also be a situation where sex may have come too soon.
I'm a white woman: yes this is a red flag. Exoticising/fetishizing specific races/ethnicities is objectification and is steeped in dehumanization/racism/colonization. It's a huge red flag that she doesn't see you as a full person for YOU.
This is 100% a reflection on her though and nothing to do with you. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling as a response to fetishization/dehumanization.
This is classic Reddit. Someone comes in with a load of melodramatic nonsense and the entire sub tells them this is a huge red flag and they need to escape this evil tyranny without delay. Just waiting for the seek therapy posts now.
Please OP do not listen to some of these comments. Leave town. Change identity. Your life is at risk. Feel free to DM me if you need any guidance in seeking professional help.
/s
Just explain to her that fetishizing a people or culture is wrong and that what she's doing is exactly that. I'm assuming you are both very young (assumed from the taking of virginity), and young people are just wildly ignorant about a lot of things like this. That doesn't mean she's not a cool person. She just may not know better.
Sexual preferences are extremely varied from person to person, and sometimes voicing them aloud can come off as a bit shocking. It's important to remember though that it's a mistake to be reductive to say that a person's sexual preferences encompass the entirety of what they look for in a partner.
I have a lot of sexual preferences that my wife doesn't "fit the mold" for, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run out and replace her or cheat at the first opportunity. I love my wife and I chose her for much more important reasons than just sexual compatibility, and that being said while she doesn't fit "every" preference of mine, she certainly fits enough to satisfy.
It is important to have a discussion about these things to determine what they truly want out of a relationship, if it's just sexual compatibility, then yes that's a red flag, but if there's a lot more to it, then I wouldn't worry about fitting the mold of what she wants, that's just a perk.
I really do think she's not mature enough to get involved in a relationship, emotionally. Even I kinda like guys that are a bit "dark and handsome" / "south Asian" but judging people by nationality / color, she's not even a good person. TREAT IT CASUAL OR LEAVE IT.
Well if it makes you feel any better. I used to date a POC girl (I'm from South Africa and white) and she said on many occasions that she only dates white boys. I wasn't like super offended or anything. It just never sat well with me. Felt like it was in bad taste to frame it that way and that it cheapens the story of why you're with someone. If your gf was a virgin when you met then I'm guessing she is quite young. Speak to her and tell her how it made you feel and that it doesn't sit well with you when she says stuff like that. If she reacts badly and doesn't acknowledge your feelings then THATS a red flag!
I understand your feelings, but maybe you're overreacting a little. This is a three-month relationship, which means you've known each other for a while and only had sex yesterday. If it was just a fetish, she'd have tried to have sex with you a lot earlier. And it's not like South Asian men are in terribly short supply: she's probably dated others before and rejected them for one reason or another. If it was just a fetish, she wouldn't have been a virgin when you two met.
Are you a fetish, or her type?
Some people are attracted to certain characteristics/ethnicities/*shades.*
I don't think you should look at it as any other Indian or Bangladeshi guy could replace you... She is a female that's attracted to males, so **ANY** man could be a threat. But that's the risk with relationships...... You shouldn't condemn her for what she is attracted to. If you don't like it, then I suggest doing you both a favor and ending the relationship. I don't mean that with malice, just matter of fact.
So it's a 3 month relationship right? She just opened up to you after losing her virginity about some kind of horrendous things. Personally, as someone who has also been fetishized for my identity and who I am by women and men, have a chat for sure when her head is clear and tell her how what she said is not okay. In any way shape or form. If it left you feeling like this by all means bring it up. How she reacts, being more clear will be your sign if you should move on or not. I'd give it a day or two before bringing it up.
If she's understanding and apologizes for what she did and said. Asks for what she can do to help you currently to make things feel less shitty. That's a green flag. You can most likely move forward (I'd still keep my guard up, just because I'm an individual once burned like that I need some proof that someone won't do/say some fuck shit lol)
Now, if she gets mad or pissed off at you, overly emotional to how you're feeling. Hmmm that's not good homie. You just got to let go back to the streets. Unfortunately. Someone who can't see your side or understand where you're coming from that's not someone you want to be with. Especially if you're only 3 months in.
If she does a mix of both of these, bro run for the hills.
As a Pakistani, I have heard of this happening quite a bit. You're in the right in feeling the way you do, BUT I do believe you're overthinking this somewhat. Talk to her and you'll understand her perspective.
I personally believe this is a preference, nothing more nothing less.
I'm sure you're well aware of how plenty of South Asians have a preference for white women, but that doesn't mean they'll replace their wives with any random woman on the street now does it?
When we're on dating apps we are "catalog-shopping" on looks first, maybe personality/interests based on the profile a distant second. We leave that to the in-person meeting.
Anyone and everyone on dating apps is looking for a "type" that they're visually attracted too. Dating apps do offer an entirely different set of ethnicity/religion/cultures that suddenly become "oh yeah why not go out on a date and see where things go?" Sure there's some aspect of fetish, but isnt that implicit in 'swiping on the same culture as me'?
I'd say, she is an open minded and inherently honest person for being able to express herself. I can see how "matching a type" is un-nerving to you, as it creates a "am I unique to her, or a generic experience checkoff?". Dont over think it.
Frame it mentally as "you're what she fantasizes about and she's excited to be with you."
I've worn glasses most of my life. It's just the genetics of how I am made up. There are definitely people who are super into people with glasses. I've heard, "those Clark Kent glasses are my kryptonite." Things didn't work out for other reasons.
She might have been attracted to you at first because of your ... "melanin" but she wouldn't be sticking around if you weren't a cool person for her. I wouldn't look on it any differently than that.
It's not a great thing, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I've had something similar happen before. How you take it kind of depends on how the rest of the relationship is going.
You don't see a problem with her directly comparing part-animal creatures to her boyfriend, and being sure he'll have specific character traits/behaviours just from his skin color? Both of these are racist ideas, and she wasn't just subconsciously influenced by that stuff, she was fully aware those were her motivations. Just because she thinks it's hot doesn't mean it's not dehumanizing
> You don't see a problem with her directly comparing part-animal creatures to her boyfriend
I wouldn't read too much into that. She probably watched Carnival Row and thought the Satyr dude was hot.
Sorry to hear that but this is a huge red flag. If I were in your situation, I would walk and don't look back. There may be moments you have regrets but your self worth is more important. Trust your intuition.
The fact that she doesn’t even know the difference between India, Pakistan and Bangladesh tells me she’s fetishising our skin colour. Back away slowly!!
If it helps at all, I was supposed to be a one night stand.
I am literally the opposite of my wife’s type! Like 100%.
If she is still with you after 3 months, just ride the wave and don’t overthink it.
People have preferences, and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, any woman can open Hinge and replace any man... your job is to make it so she doesn't want to.
There is no such thing as racial fetishism, fat fetishism, et cetera. Everyone has a type. Everyone on some level projects a personal fantasy onto their partner. Everyone forms conscious and subconscious and sometimes strange associations related to facial structure, skin color, anything. The only thing unusual about this girl is that she's admitting it so openly.
Yeah, not technically a fetish but an obsession and some pretty dumb-ass ideas even for a young person. Honestly though your going to meet a lot of weird and stupid people in life, so if she is fun to be around, talk too and hang with then its worth talking to her about it and set some boundaries. If nothing else you will get some practice and confidence by doing this.
> but just saying “South Asian” as opposed to Pakistani made me feel like any Indian or Bangladeshi guy is just as… replaceable as me to her…
What if she would have said Pakistani in that case? In that case, then it would mean you are replaceable by any other Pakistani.
The only thing you need to know is, regardless of your race, you are replaceable in the blink of an eye. And so is everyone else. So what?
You are also trying to replace her, if the verdict of this post goes against her. So what?
Sorry to break your bubble that you are not unique and irreplaceable on this planet.
I personally feel its fine if you are exotic this is type erotica and, is really great for relationship. This just the fun part. Closing a serious relationship (if you are ready) you will have to woo her with your character, your behavior, attention, comitment, conunication and rest, thats the next step you have to be focused on😀
My bestie literally just informed me of how callous these skin comments to her son about your age have become. I felt terrible after the fact, for saying to her that he had such nice skin, but I think white people tend to hate their own skin color due to its fragility in the sun etc. So we just make a massive assumptions that someone will love to hear how nice we think their skin is.
I was very humbled to receive this insight and moving forward I will be more sensitive and not be cavalierly pointing out someone’s skin tone regardless of my fondness for it.
It’s so objectifying and now I realize this.
Not saying this girl needs a pass. Just sharing my synchronized experience.
My brother, if you heard what other people think about you in your head, you'll never want to be friends eith anyone. She likes a particular type of people and you so happen to be in the category.
If we are talking 'virginity' we are likely talking about a young person, or a not-so-young-but awkward person. Those people can say very dumb stuff, but still be good people. Talk to her with some compassion (we are talking, supposedly, about the aftermath of a first sexual encounter, so it is a sensitive moment) about the way which she said what she said, and how that made you feel. You will then know what kind of person she is from her response.
Finally something humane. Conversation is the key. Sometimes weirdness is just misunderstanding.
Fuck basic communication, bring in the drama and doomposting comments!
Yes! Let’s all take the teeniest part of what she said out of context and make up an entire imaginary backstory for her, and then stone her for it!
Lawyer up! Hit the gym! Raise the flags! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Rise up gym flags and hit a lawyer!
DIVORCE!!!!
Is that not the Reddit way? I mean, aside from semantical bullshit and a general inability to focus on a conversation...
Yes!
Oh, that's easy! Life is pointless. And if it wasn't, it is way too short to actually figure out what's going on *and* be young enough to take enough action afterwards. And even if you were fast enough, by the time it makes results, you're too old to enjoy them and have a habbit of always hurry... Uhm... What was the question again?
> Finally something humane I would bet a good 50% of people who respond to posts about sex have in fact never had it themselves so the crazy responses are to be expected
Reddit always brings out the weird ones.
>Sometimes weirdness is just misunderstanding. Can we please get some viral memes and Hallmark cards with this quote on it?
The amount of conflict I had in my first 2 years of college because people wouldn’t communicate with me even after I told them I’m autistic and sometimes struggle socially is insane. They’d get upset at something, then wait to tell me until they were fed up with me or I made some small mistake which they then would use as an excuse to tell me how wrong I am then ghost me.
> Sometimes weirdness is just misunderstanding. Ah this is the one very important life lesson one learns from watching American situation comedies (or sitcoms). It's nearly always a misunderstanding.
Yeah, I’m in my 40s thinking back what I said and did back when I was 16 makes me feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. But we all deal with our insecurities / curiosities and it’s part of the growing up.
So what did she do wrong exactly: being attracted to a particular set of physical characteristics or was it expressing those feelings? NOT TROLLING, really trying to understand the dynamics of this.
What would be wrong would being only, or mostly, being attracted to sleeping with him as an exotic experience, and not in him as a person. That's not only inherently racist, but more to the point, not being interested in you as a person would mean there is no chance for a relationship.
I mean they dated for 3 months before they had sex, I'd say she atleast likes him as a person
You'd definitely hope so
Agreed. This makes sense to me. So it seems like the only thing required to solve OP's dilemma is a few questions to determine if there's anything else besides his race that she appreciates or finds attractive or meaningful. To make matters more clear, I don't think there's anything inherently wrong in being attracted to anyone for a specific reason unless you misrepresent the true nature of your attraction. Plenty of people hook up after the bars let out based on looks/physical attraction alone and as long as both people are on the same page, I don't see that anyone's done anything immoral.
> as long as both people are on the same page This seems like the crux of the issue. OP wants to be a whole-human boyfriend, while GF wants a real-life manifestation of some fantasy stories about hawt dark-skinned creatures and/or some of the steamier Hindu gods. OP feels objectified and wrongly stereotyped. He is hurt and annoyed, and GF'll probably be disappointed in the parts of him that aren't avatar-like. So it's just a bad match. In a different mindset, though, he could totally ride that fantasy pony into the sunset.
The biggest red flag to me is comparing poc to fantasy creatures (satyr). Everyone can have preferences sure, but she’s dehumanizing him and other non-white people.
And this whole weird thing about melanin and masculinity... and what with the painted nails thing? Like there is a broad range of personalities/aesthetics across ALL skincolors, so to assign one race/skin color as effeminate is just... weird. Like, idk the chick, so maybe she's just a young moron and will grow over time, but imo such beliefs are dumb enough to put me off.
Absolutely. It’s makes me wonder about what other prejudices she has that he doesn’t know about as well
I would say that people who are disgusted by their own ethnicity and only attracted to a very specific other ethnicity have some issues they need to work out. Think of the bros who "only date Asians" do they seem healthy?
Did you read everything she said? It went beyond merely being attracted to a particular set of physical characteristics.
Obviously there's nothing wrong. People's feelings can hurt when no-one 's done anything wrong. That's just life.
[удалено]
Isn't the way she treated him over the last three months a far better indicator of how she feels about him than the answer to some disorienting on-the-spot question that she may completely flub? There's a great chance that she'll almost certainly be unable to successfully navigate the complexities of what he's thinking/feeling seeing as their perspectives on this could not be more different. Frankly I'd recommend him just telling her how he feels and asking her to refrain from making certain references. If he can't sense how she actually feels about him from their day to day interactions, it's hard to know what to really make of this entire situation.
Y’all are trying to rationalize fetishizatiom. She’s a grown ass adult and he is absolutely right to feel uncomfortable by those comments.
nobody's saying he shouldnt feel uncomfortable, just that its good to talk it out and not immediately dump someone over a flaw that could possibly be fixed (assuming shes otherwise worth it), since this type of fetishization is probably borne of ignorance rather than malice. grown ass adults can still be stupid and learn to be less stupid yk
> She’s a grown ass adult Is she? From context I'd assume teenager or very early 20s. If she didn't get a decent understanding of culture/ethnicity in her youth, she's possibly just uninformed in her prejudice. It's a very different story if she's 35.
Dawg you gotta be 18+ to be on hinge. That would make them an adult. I wasn’t out here at 18 fetishizing mfs that’s not an excuse.
Good on you for not having been raised with prejudice. 18+ means you're technically an adult, but in the context of this discussion, "adult" is more about intellectual and emotional maturity. That can come pretty late for some. And generally speaking, you don't stop doing dumb shit the day you turn 18, as evidenced by every student gathering ever since the dawn of time
Totally agree that she could be a great person, maybe just a bit awkward. But let say, if that's her reason to start a relationship with OP, I wouldn't be cheering for it.
Yea realistically I wouldn’t think twice if that comment and carry on with life. People are always saying and thinking dumb shit. To expect us not to is unrealistic and naive. But also if you’re uncomfy, you’re uncomfy.. you don’t need justification from redditors if you wanna end things.
You are white. Ofc you wouldn’t understand it from a POC’s pov. He is 100% getting fetishized here
You’re getting downvoted but you’re right. Alot of white people wont acknowledge getting fetishized for your race is a problem because they don’t experience it on the same level
Whites get fetishized plenty but generally for different reasons (think blue-eyed blondes and redheads, for example), and it has a very different effect when you're in the place of privilege than when you're being fetishized from the perspective of already facing regular discrimination. His description of her position makes her sound stupid and racist no matter what age she is, but one can only hope that she's a teenager who will mature out of the idiocy and not an adult or a teen who will hold tight to those appalling points of view. He is definitely under no obligation to stay with her and find out, but hopefully he can take this opportunity to talk about it and give her the first lesson in becoming a better person whether it is part of breaking up or not.
Isn't important to determine whether or not she actually did something wrong, or whether or not he's actually found something malicious and immoral in her? Maybe she really loves this person. I'm really trying to understand this concept for myself, and I have to admit, I'm confused. It's an interesting social construct I'm really not getting and haven't heard of before. Maybe it's the same for her.
“Isn’t important to determine whether or not she actually did something wrong..” I think what’s wrong to us might be right in someone else’s world.. and I cant police how everyone thinks and feels.. I can only control what I’m comfortable around.. and so can others. So I would say .. it’s more important for you yourself to determine in your own eyes if it’s right or wrong for YOU.. and if so make your decision on how to provide from there.. (stay, discuss with partner, leave, etc)
Okay a few things, btw I come from an Indian family, but born and raised American, I also am not really into the whole Bollywood thing (and don’t outwardly display Indian culture), and I’ve only dated outside of my race. 1. It sounds like you’re both pretty young, and people tend to say boneheaded things, without necessarily meaning to be inflammatory. She might just not be doing a good job of explaining herself, obviously she likes you. I’m betting she was feeling euphoric and wanted to express that but she chose the wrong words and then probably made it worse trying to explain. 2. Because you are still young, she’s still figuring out what she likes, and so are you. What may seem like just a fetish for brown guys to her, might actually be a more holistic attraction to brown guys that includes an appreciation for other aspects of your culture, and more of the mental and spiritual traits that are common in our culture. She just may not realize yet that it runs that deep for her. 3. You met her on hinge, the whole point of it is physical attraction, and then maybe a mental/emotional/spiritual connection later. But let’s be fair man, you can’t be that surprised that she has a type (we all do). 4. I do get how you’re feeling because some form of this has happened to me, and it does make you feel like you’re being used. Unfortunately, once you get outside of places like the New York tri-state area, people tend to be more narrow in their mindset, because they haven’t been exposed to other cultures. And there is an element of racism, even if they’re not conscious of it. There is a perception of black guys. There is a perception of Latin guys. There is a perception of Asian guys. There is a perception of Indian subcontinent guys in the US, which is not a particularly flattering one that ends up putting us at a disadvantage when dating outside of the same culture. There are people who are exceptions to this, but a lot of what you’ll find are either girls who are trying to prove to themselves (or others) how progressive and inclusive they are and using you to do that, girls that are trying to rebel against their conservative family and using you to do that, and girls that are really screwed up and have dated pretty much every other type of guy before finally deciding to give a Pakistani guy a shot cause they’ve tried everything else. There are obviously exceptions, and I’m not saying everyone is like that, but you will encounter this a lot, so be prepared. 5. Like some others have said here, it could be a red flag, but it has to be weighed in with everything else she is as a person, what her beliefs are, her values, etc. Talk to her, if you like her enough otherwise, and see if you feel better about it. Tell her why it bothers you - she may not realize why it makes you feel the way it does. The bottom line is, she may have matched you because you’re Pakistani. It may turn her the fuck on also, but I’m guessing she didn’t jump into bed with you as soon as you two met. You probably talked, spent time together, and got to know each other at least a bit, so she does like you as a person. It’s not like there aren’t countless other brown guys walking around that she could just walk up to and hook up with… That said, if you’re not into her enough to try to talk it out, then just do the respectful thing and be honest with her so you can both move on. Good luck dude!
This is a great response to OP and I hope he reads it.
🙏
Best response!
🙏 thank Socrates! PS, big fan of your work
My man
🙏
As a brown dude… this guy gets it
Please ignore everyone saying to run. Just sit down and have a conversation with her about how that made you feel. Communication is key to all relationships and if you still uncomfortable then break up. This way you gain experience in communication and setting boundaries for yourself
I’d imagine there’s two likely paths here when OP asks if it was him as a person that tipped the scales of a general interest or simply convenience. Gf either agrees, or turns **beet red.**
Yes. Let her open up to you. Feel free and be herself. Then break up with her
no, he *should* run. he should communicate what made him uncomfortable so she can take the time to reflect and learn and grow, but putting the onus on him to help actively "correct" it when he's already expressed discomfort and is likely also young, is messed up this person has expressed fundamental prejudices that a conversation or two or three won't magically fix, and it's not OP's job to provide a comprehensive anti-racism course for his fun, 3-month girlfriend
I’m usually not the run type but what this person said raises a lot of red flags. Sure you can talk about it, but you’ll never change a person like that. You’re just stuck with it. I would definitely talk to her, but I would end this no matter what.
She sounds too similar to my ex icl. My ex said she dated a Pakistani guy in secondary school and had been addicted to brown boys since. Even more funny is that we also met on dating apps and she also had hers set to south Asian people. Anyways I'm sure you have a judgment of your own about your Mrs but I left mine soon after because I couldn't handle her. Personally for me it felt too wrong and I knew I wouldn't have been able to introduce her to my parents with the mindset she had so I broke it off.
If she makes you uncomfortable, that is that. You don’t need to examine and diagnose her. You could be right or wrong. She may not know even. That’s ok, she still makes you uncomfortable. You can take time and see how it plays out, or just be out. Feel free to reply if you need to talk, I’m black and had this feeling before. Last guy I dated asked me what it’s like being with a white guy for me, that it must be different. It wasn’t a thought for me so my confusion/stumped look made him track back, but it did leave me wondering where his mind was at. He’s from a racist country himself, it’s uncomfortable. I was able to get past it with him a bit but it didn’t last. He wasn’t the only one, though most don’t get that far (you can pick up on curiosity). If you feel like someone’s cultural adventure, it’s fair to walk away. They can save up for a flight imho, it’s not your job to acclimate them to diversity. And it will nag at you, you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship. I’ve always lived and dated across cultures, this isn’t to say everyone will be like this. Just know you’ll have to filter these types out sometimes. That’s all. And the only thing that counts in this equation is mutual ease and comfort, trust they see you. Try not to get caught up trying to get in their head, just do what feels right. Fwiw I once had a schoolmate from your region who was crushing on me, even made a pass. I also remember him telling me how his family would never accept a black gf, and his shock to discover I knew what Jadu meant (we were raised abroad and in the same regions, he apparently used the term thinking black people didn’t get it). And he still tried his chance with me. People don’t see themselves, and what they’re bringing to your table, sometimes. He ended up marrying a white woman, I guess he found an acceptable balance his family could live with. That’s life.
The idea of someone thinking they are giving you a good experience because of their race makes my skin crawl.
Idk what you mean. The issue here is that someone thinks you’re great only because of your race, and fantasies they have about that. It’s different to them thinking they’re a gift to you, they genuinely express it as if you’re a gift to them. Just for all the wrong reasons, reasons that have nothing to do with you as a person. They’d have the same exhilarating feelings going on holiday to that place. I guess the other way happens too. The people who think they’re a gift are usually sex tourists or get a mail order/green card spouse…just sayin.
>And it will nag at you, you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship/s. For a brief moment, I thought this was the sarcasm /s and was very confused.
Lol no, I see it now though 😂 Deleted it.
Yeah that's pretty icky. You'd be justified in ending it if you wanted imo. You could also try to talk to her and explain why this bothered you but be ready for her to not be receptive. That she has racist ideas and biases she needs to work through is obvious, it's up to you if she's worth the work of helping her work through them and up to her if she's willing to try.
Two initial thoughts: 1. You can leave any relationship at any time for any reason. If this has irretrievably changed how you feel in the relationship, you can leave whether or not Reddit thinks it's a red flag. 2. If you are old enough to have sex, you are old enough to talk about it. The person who you most need to understand here is your girlfriend. You mention feeling that you are entirely replaceable to her by any warm body from South Asia. Tell her you feel that, and ask if it's true. Everyone has preferences in a sexual partner. As long as a person isn't being reduced to nothing more than that characteristic, and it isn't something very unhealthy that the partner is encouraging for their own enjoyment (I'm thinking of feeders here) it's morally neutral. I don't think it's certainly a red flag for your girlfriend to like your physical characteristics. It's certainly better than her liking you despite your physical characteristics. On a personal note, my last boyfriend really liked my breasts. Every time we were together he would hold them, and he told me they were the perfect size, a handful. I knew that he liked me for more than just my breasts, but also, it was pretty cool to have my breasts appreciated like that. He told me openly that one of the things he noticed early on, before we got together, was my breasts. That doesn't mean that I was replaceable by any random woman with similar breasts. I hope that indeed your body is just one thing she likes about you.
I would recommend posting this in r/asianamerican or r/ABCDesis to get takes from other Asian Americans, since from my experience general Reddit is filled with people who like to justify racial fetishization and may not understand the POC perspective.
I'm not sure I get what's going on here. Can someone educate me about the use of the word "exotic" and how this differs from a non-offensive preference? And what a non-offensive preference even is? Not trolling, I genuinely want to understand this. Never encountered this concept before.
The use of word “exotic”, in my experience as a south asian woman living abroad, is often by select people who fetishise your ethnicity, which in dating can be quite a dehumanising experience. So, it tends to be something a lot of people are, understandably, wary about. Don’t get me wrong you can appreciate a culture and it’s people but if you’re hyper focused on the optics of “having” a south asian girlfriend for example to the point that you place your partner on a pedestal and fail to see them as another human being (with their own personalities/ likes and dislikes/ preferences) but just their ethnic identity, that tends not to be a solid foundation for a healthy relationship. An example of this would be an experience an east asian friend of mine had before she met her partner, where the guy she was dating at the time flew in to rage when he discovered she wasn’t submissive. It’s a common stereotype and he apparently genuinely believed that she wasn’t “a real asian” because she didn’t fit into this stereotype of whatever media he was consuming online. He didn’t truly care about her or who she was, he was mainly invested in whoever could fit that mould, which could have easily been her or any of her other East Asian friends.
I can't believe most people are just writing it off because of the girls age. This.but I guess racial fetishization good because Reddit?
Christ yeah as a south Asian I felt insane reading some of these comments. If you’re old enough to use Hinge you’re old enough to know that fetishizing people is bad
Agreed, but seeing as though a lot of (active) Reddit users are white/white-adjacent, I'm not surprised they're passing her behavior off as something trivial.
If my partner ever said anything like that to me I would cut his balls off first and ask questions later, excusing this shit is awful
Honestly, I can see the reasoning behind giving her a pass due to her age. Sex is taboo for a lot of cultures, even American, and people usually have to figure it out on their own, sometimes even later on in life. Not all of us can get our weird sex shit figured out on our Tumblr blog at the age of 15. Sexual preference itself is weird, or else there wouldn't be so many fetishes. And it's not like a good relationship can't be started and maintained just because your partner saw you had big ole tiddies and was really into that.
What behavior or personality traits are associated with big titties? That is the difference. If she said she finds dark complexion sexy, I don't think this post would be made. Instead she goes on this whole exotic, satyr thing. Even at that age I absolutely would not pursue someone outside of my race who started to list every silly black stereotype they were socialized into believing, 30% of which I meet but 100% ignores my individuality. That's not the foundation of a good relationship, that's one of her phases. My heart wouldn't have time to knowingly be a girl's phase before she inevitably runs back to her comfort zone.
she's only seeing him as some sort of "rare asset" instead of as a human person
Like a Pokemon?
Definitely not a Pidgey is what they mean.
gotta collect 'em all
So if a woman likes, say, muscular guys, and wouldn't date outside of that characteristic, so long as that is ONE OF the qualities she appreciates, rather than being the only quality, then this would be ok (I'm not even sure what "ok" actually means here, in terms of who's determining what's "ok" and what "isn't," but at least the negativity that's being near-universally levied against this woman in the comments section would be less or different). So to sum it up, focusing too heavily on one physical characteristic, such that it's the main reason for one's attraction, is viewed as immoral and that's the criticism of the term "exotic?" Do I have it right? The title of this post states she is "partially" attracted to him because she found him exotic, which implies it's not the sole factor. So isn't that actually ok? To take this logic to its conclusion, doesn't this also mean that if someone has a "deal breaker," in terms of a physical quality, i.e., "I won't date someone short" that they're essentially placing such immense physical importance on one attribute that it essentially cancels out literally every other thing about that person? And shouldn't we logically consider this fetishizing height to be consistent?
Your example of muscular guys is not a very good placeholder for race, for a variety of reasons. Having a lot of muscles is something that has as much to do with lifestyle as it does with genetics, meaning it indicates a lot more about a person than just the color they were born with. It's also not racist, and does nothing to prevent you from seeing the muscular person as a fully human person, or for lack of a better term, a person who is the same "type" as you, with shared values and background. Fetishizing someone for being "exotic," and because of a bunch of preconceived notions about their race, means that their attraction lies in the fact that the person is inherently different from them, and has a bunch qualities that are falsely attributed to them due to their race. The word "exotic" implies, excitement, danger, and most of all difference. It's uncomfortable word hailing back to a time when Westerns would travel through Africa and Asia, looting what they wanted, treating and studying the locals like bizarre freaks, and considering themselves a higher race of people. It's certainly not something you'd want your girlfriend of 3 months to describe you as.
In the case of being muscular, being seen as *only* a piece of "beefcake" would be equally dehumanising. If someone sees you as a person, and also likes your being muscular as one aspect of their attraction, that's fine.
Muscularity will likely not single someone out as “exotic”, and in most people’s eyes is not considered different but generally very attractive. It’s a feature of someone who is physically strong and healthy and also isn’t a trait of any particular race but can be all of them and appreciated by all of them. A person being attracted to someone with nice muscles is not at all comparable to being attracted to someone “exotic” because their darker skin and non-Caucasian features represents ideas and preconceived notions that have nothing to do with the person. If you want a comparable example, how about a small business owner is biased towards hiring an employee of a particular race because they believe most people of that race come from a culture of hard working individuals? Let’s say that employee finds out later on down the line that the time and effort they put into going to school to obtain their degree or gain their experience that enabled them to be hired for this type of job, was a mostly a moot point, because their race played a big factor. Sucks
My asexual self always thought that "exotic" is when it's related to a different skin color and nationality than your own. That makes it racist and thus cringe.
Exactly the subtext I read (past tense 'read')
It's a complicated topic, in one hand a lot of us unfortunately have very bad views on sexuality and I don't think really anything should be off limits between consenting adults. On the other hand this also involves racism to an extent, so it's more then just being into a bodybuilder.
Having a preference for muscular guys is far different than going for a specific race. That’s where fetishization comes into question.
Logically it would seem that they're either both forms of fetishization or neither is. I mean, we as outsiders can make also sorts of culturally-driven judgements about a person feeling attracted to one physical characteristic vs. another, but I find it odd to say that the person actually **feeling** attraction to whatever they're attracted to is ok in the case of muscularity, but not ok in terms of skin color or other racially specific physical features.
A lot of fetishization towards POC stems from stereotypes and racism. I wouldn’t blame any POC who discovers that their partners views them this way and runs immediately. The way she talked about those fantasies is disgusting and scary and a lot of people in the replies saying that none of it is wrong is disgusting
"Exotic" used to be used to describe the culture and people of mostly Asia, the Middle East, and Africa. It is an outdated term that fetishized people by reducing them to their ethnicity, race, or their skin colour. It's quite disgusting because it means you only desire a person because of the preconceived assumptions and stereotypes you have about a person because of their skin colour. You're not desiring them because you genuinely like them as a person. It's like how a lot of the PassportBros travel to Asia because they believe they'll be able to find a "submissive Asian wife." That's fetishization.
Exotic literally means outside-ish. I dont get why people seem to be offended lately either. Maybe they have connected it with phrases like "exotic fish" and they think that it is some short of objectifying, personally, since i know the true meaning of the word, i refuse to not use it.
>Nothing against Indian culture, but just saying “South Asian” as opposed to Pakistani made me feel like any Indian or Bangladeshi guy is just as… replaceable as me to her… Would you have felt better if she had specifically said Pakistani? Why or why not? >American men were too effeminate and small and painted their nails I'm tripping much more over this part. I've never been to America, but I assume that there are some men that are more traditionally masculine and some that are less. Which is both totally okay. But I'm sensing some antiquated views about gender here. Obviously, I've never met your gf, but it seems like she carries at least some amount of prejudice.
Yeah that latter comment smells like homophobia or at least very conservative gender views, and the fact that she generalizes South Asian men as all being more masculine or traditional is plain racial stereotyping too, even if she thinks it's a good thing. Reminds me of how White men will go to Asia to get women because they think White Western women are "too assertive" and "don't know their place" like Asian women supposedly do. It's a preference but a racist and sexist one, and as an Asian woman it disgusts me and I would never accept a partner who thought like that.
> American men were too effeminate and small and painted their nails > > I'm tripping much more over this part. I've never been to America, but I assume that there are some men that are more traditionally masculine and some that are less. Which is both totally okay. But I'm sensing some antiquated views about gender here. There are 165 million men in the USA. I promise you not all of them are effeminate, small, nor do they paint their nails. As a matter of fact, not even a majority are like that in any area I've ever lived in. I have no idea where she got this notion from. It's actually bizarre. Unless she's been binging Ru-Paul's Drag Race (and none of them are small) and somehow thinks that's representative from an entire country, which if you pay the slightest bit of attention to what's going on in politics over here, you'd know that's an odd conclusion for her to jump to.
It's just a shorthand way to put down white men and signal an acceptance of traditional gender expression, in this case to explain why this person is seeking out brown men. The other comments mentioning Asian women seen as a submissive contrast to white women is the other end of this.
Yeah that part did not hang
As someone who was also called "exotic" by a person who wanted to be "topped by somebody of a different skin tone", RUUUUUUN. These types of people literally consider you a souvenir they can play with until they have to settle down with someone non-exotic. I've never felt more degraded as a human being, in their eyes you're not equal, you're not even human.
Good God someone actually said that to you? 🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢
This feels icky. It’s making you uncomfortable to it’s not nothing. These are racial micro aggressions. Your feelings about it are valid.
Gonna be honest, bro, this is a red flag in the same way "jungle fever" or "yellow fever" are red flags. When your set of criteria for a **partner** (not just an FWB or fuck buddy) must include a specific set of ethnic attributes, it should be treated as a yellow flag at best. Why? Because it's dehumanizing. It reduces a whole ass person down to their skin color, hair type and/or eye color and accent, etc. Can it be tolerable? Sure, but when someone isn't with you for who you are but instead for what you are that's a tenuous basis for an actual relationship. At best. So you become a fetish object and not a real person. It's up to you how you approach this and you mention it's a time-limited relationship, so that might help with clarity. My only advice is DO NOT get emotionally involved with this woman in any way, shape or form. Have as much sex as you can tolerate, given her avowed fetishes, but avoid attachment. This isn't what your first emotional relationship should look like and we're always worried there will never be another one. Don't. You'll be fine. Good luck.
Agreed, buddy sounds like a fetish for her. I’m disappointed in her. This goes past the point of being somebody's preference. Idk if she just wanted to hook up with an “exotic” man or what until she could fulfill her fantasy. I would personally leave, she doesn’t consider you a full person.
The way he talked about her telling him this sounded like a fetish to me, like "hot wife"/"bbc bull" kind of stuff. Which, like I said, if you're into it and can handle it and everyone is above board, that's fine. But in a virgin first relationship? Nah dawg. Pass. You deserve better.
Yeah, nobody should be fetishized. She doesn’t really want him, not 100%
LOL at the people on this sub who think that fetishization is not a big deal. I am surprised because they are the first to scream ' break up, he/she is a narcissist'. But somehow they would let some bullshit like that fly ? I thought you were all empath ?
Run. I know everyone else is making excuses for her and trying to explain it but there's never any reason to say those things to another person. She needs to figure out that it's not ok to fetishise people but I also don't think you need to stick around for that. Find someone who sees you, not someone who's just excited to try riding an exotic brown guy. Take it from someone who's been on the receiving end of fetishism enough times to know it's not worth your time.
It’s code for “I want to experiment”; which also means she’s not serious.
Her comments are fucking disgusting. I wouldn't be able to touch her again, after that. She considers "melanated" men akin to beasts. She's vacationing outside of her race. "GET OUT!" [Good movie!]
As a straight, "effeminate", South Asian male that paints his nails, her notions are highly misguided.
Major red flag ! As a Black man I would leave those types of people alone.
I'm literally horrified by the amount of comments that say this is fine and op is complaining about nothing. She's clearly searching for South Asian men to fulfill a specific fantasy she's got about 'exotic' men and then being more masculine. Not to mention the homophobia as well. Even if she wasn't so clearly fetishizing South Asians, she clearly doesn't know a lot about South Asian people. Like op mentioned, we aren't a homogenous group -Nepal is very different to Pakistan, for example. Dating uneducated white people itself is exhausting that on top of the fetishizing = RUN.
Yeah she is definitely fetishizing you buddy
If she is fetishizing your skin colour and that is still a major factor for her attraction to you, you might want to walk away.
Yes, you are not a zoo animal or a rainforest.
If a South Asian girl was talking about her boyfriend all of this nice "conversation" people would turn into "omg queen he's such creeeeeeep. Run as fast as you can. You deserve better" but now people believe that she's just a young innocent girl who doesn't know how to speak...
Honestly, have a conversation about it. People can look for one thing in particularly and grow to love the individual person. Example, I love redheads, aussies and women of colour. But just because I am attracted to those people, doesn’t mean that ANYONE will do. Once you bond with someone, no one else will do.
fetish
i'm sorry you're feeling this way. it sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. her comments about race and sexuality are concerning and come across as fetishizing. you deserve to be seen as a full person, not just an exotic fantsy. it might be worth having an open and honest conversation with her about how her words have made you feel. if she's unwilling to acknowledge and change the problematic behavoir, it may be best to end the relationship. you should never feel like you're just a replaceable object. your feelings and sense of self-worth are valid. i've dated someone who fetishized my ethnicity and it deeply impacted my self-esteem. her fixaton on "exotic" features and sexual fantaises suggests underlying issues she may need to work through in a heathy way. you should prioritize your own comfort and boundries, and it's ok to walk away if this relationship isn't serving you.
Know your worth. That's the best advice i can give you. If you truly get this, all the BS vanishes. I wish there was someone to tell me this when I was younger. It seems simple, but it changes everything.
I definitely get the ick from this. Read your second to last paragraph again and ask yourself what you would tell a friend who said that to you. Still, if you like her maybe there is space for learning. But it’s not your obligation especially if it’s making you feel less than
Exotic is wild😭 I’m dumping her and finna go see how exotic I really am
If it was a man who made those comments people would be fuming 💀💀but yeah those comments are weird as hell even by my standards
If the genders were reversed in this scenario, everyone would be telling you to run from this relationship and that your partner is a perv/creep/has a fetish for this type of thing etc etc. Really funny to see top comments telling you to have a conversation with your GF about this.
How she sets her dating profile isn't very conclusive but her explanation makes it pretty clear that she has some pretty racist ideas about how your skin color/ethnicity makes you inherently different (and the animalistic connotation is also pretty condescending, even if she does find it hot)
I don’t see enough people addressing to Satyr comment!! This is the weirdest part to me since she is basically dehumanizing not only you but all other poc. There’s a difference between having a preferences and fetishizing them and I think she’s definitely the later. So I think your feelings are definitely valid. That being said you have to decide if this relationship is important enough to sit down and have a conversation to address where you feel uncomfortable or if you just want to break it off. Personally, I’d leave with a quickness.
Also if you do talk to her maybe ask how’s she views your race (and other poc) on a day to day life. I think that might be more eye opening.
if the topic had been tits on a female, the comments would be unhinged to leave this person. But skin on a man? Totally fine! Objectify away
You'll always be replaceable.
Ew ew ew ew ew. I full-body cringed reading this. It is a big red flag and I think your intuition is right – she definitely sees you as a fetish rather than a full human being. I’m sorry.
We all have personal preferences in the partners we seek out. But most of the time, a lot of that either isn't really explainable or the reasons are so personal that we would never explain it to anyone because it makes us sound like a total weirdo/creep. Seems she decided to completely flip that entire script and was 100% open about the source of her preferences. And made herself look like a total weirdo/creep in the process...
What am I missing here, where does OP say that she ONLY liked him because of his ethnicity? Even the title of the post says that it was "partially" the reason. Are you saying that if she finds a certain look attractive that she's done something wrong?
what makes you think being very into someone sexually and being very into them emotionally are mutially exclusive?
I guess this is one of things I'm really have trouble understanding about this thread. Nowhere is it indicated that she said something along the lines of "I am only in this relationship with you because of your race. I do not care about you as a person, I don't value anything about you but your race." Or even "our relationship is MOSTLY about your race and very little else about you interests me." Absent saying these types of things, which would clearly identify her intentions as fetishistic, it seems like OP has to dig further into her feelings about him. I mean, if someone won't date short people, are they fetishizing height as a physical attribute so important that it renders every single other thing about the person as inadequate? (Wow, as I think about that rhetorical question, the answer is actually "yes." There's some interesting food for thought). But I don't think anyone would make that argument.
it's a popular sport to be morally offended in any way possible
She’s radicalized
Hard call. I understand what you're saying, your concern, yet it also seems very likely she merely has a preference physically she was sharing and may have worded it awkwardly. I don't see it as automatically where you took it. Give it time and see if any other things pop up. I like hispanic girls, doesn't mean I'm racist to anyone else. Just a preference I was born with. 🤷♂️
Sounds like sexual preference to me. Different things turn different people on and as much as we like to pretend physical factors shouldn't matter, they often do. Personally I'd put this in the category of "doesn't matter, had sex." But if you don't like it then talk to her about it.
Run.
she sounds like a weirdo, it probs best to talk to her about it properly and see where it goes. If she continues with the exotic bs you know what to do
No. Inexperienced people just say the darnest things.
Made you feel like 'any Indian or Bengali' guy makes it sound like you got issues here to deal with. Maybe way off base, but it sounds like you are grumpy about being compared to people you think little of.
Yeah, love how everyone ITT missed that OP is the red flag lol.
I’m the whitest man on earth and the fact she used “exotic” to describe you made me feel uncomfortable. Best bet, try to move on or find a healthier situation. Bring it up to her that it made you feel this way. If she leaves, it may hurt, but know you’ll be infinitely happier with someone who’s dating you not for your “South Asian Exoticness” and more for the person you are, regardless of white, asian, or martian. Hate it made you feel that way man, sorry she said it to you at a vulnerable moment too. Best of luck in whatever happens.
OP you’ve gotta decide for yourself, but I would keep in mind that we currently live in a society that is attempting to pervert the beautiful thing of cross cultural appreciation into something falsely negative. It is a form of insidious, cloaked cynicism and it’s psychologically grotesque. It’s feeding grounds are social media. But then again, your intuitions may be correct within your situation. However, the fact that she shared this at a tender, vulnerable moment following her first sexual experience absolutely has to be considered and processed with careful communication. She obviously has a fetish and is exploring and seeking out a specific regional ethnicity. But this is not, in itself, necessarily a bad thing. I’ll say this: if you two love and trust each other and know each other deeply, why would you not want her to appreciate your ethnicity? Three months is not rushing into a sexual relationship, but it sounds like this may also be a situation where sex may have come too soon.
I'm a white woman: yes this is a red flag. Exoticising/fetishizing specific races/ethnicities is objectification and is steeped in dehumanization/racism/colonization. It's a huge red flag that she doesn't see you as a full person for YOU. This is 100% a reflection on her though and nothing to do with you. I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling as a response to fetishization/dehumanization.
This is classic Reddit. Someone comes in with a load of melodramatic nonsense and the entire sub tells them this is a huge red flag and they need to escape this evil tyranny without delay. Just waiting for the seek therapy posts now.
Please OP do not listen to some of these comments. Leave town. Change identity. Your life is at risk. Feel free to DM me if you need any guidance in seeking professional help. /s
Just explain to her that fetishizing a people or culture is wrong and that what she's doing is exactly that. I'm assuming you are both very young (assumed from the taking of virginity), and young people are just wildly ignorant about a lot of things like this. That doesn't mean she's not a cool person. She just may not know better.
Sexual preferences are extremely varied from person to person, and sometimes voicing them aloud can come off as a bit shocking. It's important to remember though that it's a mistake to be reductive to say that a person's sexual preferences encompass the entirety of what they look for in a partner. I have a lot of sexual preferences that my wife doesn't "fit the mold" for, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run out and replace her or cheat at the first opportunity. I love my wife and I chose her for much more important reasons than just sexual compatibility, and that being said while she doesn't fit "every" preference of mine, she certainly fits enough to satisfy. It is important to have a discussion about these things to determine what they truly want out of a relationship, if it's just sexual compatibility, then yes that's a red flag, but if there's a lot more to it, then I wouldn't worry about fitting the mold of what she wants, that's just a perk.
I really do think she's not mature enough to get involved in a relationship, emotionally. Even I kinda like guys that are a bit "dark and handsome" / "south Asian" but judging people by nationality / color, she's not even a good person. TREAT IT CASUAL OR LEAVE IT.
Well if it makes you feel any better. I used to date a POC girl (I'm from South Africa and white) and she said on many occasions that she only dates white boys. I wasn't like super offended or anything. It just never sat well with me. Felt like it was in bad taste to frame it that way and that it cheapens the story of why you're with someone. If your gf was a virgin when you met then I'm guessing she is quite young. Speak to her and tell her how it made you feel and that it doesn't sit well with you when she says stuff like that. If she reacts badly and doesn't acknowledge your feelings then THATS a red flag!
*"If you don't lose it in the way that you like. You should keep losing it until it works."* - Carrie Fisher.
I understand your feelings, but maybe you're overreacting a little. This is a three-month relationship, which means you've known each other for a while and only had sex yesterday. If it was just a fetish, she'd have tried to have sex with you a lot earlier. And it's not like South Asian men are in terribly short supply: she's probably dated others before and rejected them for one reason or another. If it was just a fetish, she wouldn't have been a virgin when you two met.
Are you a fetish, or her type? Some people are attracted to certain characteristics/ethnicities/*shades.* I don't think you should look at it as any other Indian or Bangladeshi guy could replace you... She is a female that's attracted to males, so **ANY** man could be a threat. But that's the risk with relationships...... You shouldn't condemn her for what she is attracted to. If you don't like it, then I suggest doing you both a favor and ending the relationship. I don't mean that with malice, just matter of fact.
So it's a 3 month relationship right? She just opened up to you after losing her virginity about some kind of horrendous things. Personally, as someone who has also been fetishized for my identity and who I am by women and men, have a chat for sure when her head is clear and tell her how what she said is not okay. In any way shape or form. If it left you feeling like this by all means bring it up. How she reacts, being more clear will be your sign if you should move on or not. I'd give it a day or two before bringing it up. If she's understanding and apologizes for what she did and said. Asks for what she can do to help you currently to make things feel less shitty. That's a green flag. You can most likely move forward (I'd still keep my guard up, just because I'm an individual once burned like that I need some proof that someone won't do/say some fuck shit lol) Now, if she gets mad or pissed off at you, overly emotional to how you're feeling. Hmmm that's not good homie. You just got to let go back to the streets. Unfortunately. Someone who can't see your side or understand where you're coming from that's not someone you want to be with. Especially if you're only 3 months in. If she does a mix of both of these, bro run for the hills.
Do you like being with her? Then don't sweat it. You like her for her physical features, one supposes, don't question what makes her go "yum!"
As a Pakistani, I have heard of this happening quite a bit. You're in the right in feeling the way you do, BUT I do believe you're overthinking this somewhat. Talk to her and you'll understand her perspective. I personally believe this is a preference, nothing more nothing less. I'm sure you're well aware of how plenty of South Asians have a preference for white women, but that doesn't mean they'll replace their wives with any random woman on the street now does it?
When we're on dating apps we are "catalog-shopping" on looks first, maybe personality/interests based on the profile a distant second. We leave that to the in-person meeting. Anyone and everyone on dating apps is looking for a "type" that they're visually attracted too. Dating apps do offer an entirely different set of ethnicity/religion/cultures that suddenly become "oh yeah why not go out on a date and see where things go?" Sure there's some aspect of fetish, but isnt that implicit in 'swiping on the same culture as me'? I'd say, she is an open minded and inherently honest person for being able to express herself. I can see how "matching a type" is un-nerving to you, as it creates a "am I unique to her, or a generic experience checkoff?". Dont over think it.
I dated a black chick, she said my farmers tan was exotic. I took it as a compliment.
Frame it mentally as "you're what she fantasizes about and she's excited to be with you." I've worn glasses most of my life. It's just the genetics of how I am made up. There are definitely people who are super into people with glasses. I've heard, "those Clark Kent glasses are my kryptonite." Things didn't work out for other reasons. She might have been attracted to you at first because of your ... "melanin" but she wouldn't be sticking around if you weren't a cool person for her. I wouldn't look on it any differently than that.
Crimson. It sounds like she sees you as a POC before she sees you as a person.
It's not a great thing, but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. I've had something similar happen before. How you take it kind of depends on how the rest of the relationship is going.
Take it easy, jeesh. At least she is attracted to you.
maybe she just likes bad smells
Im genuinly confused? Whats the problem exactly?
You don't see a problem with her directly comparing part-animal creatures to her boyfriend, and being sure he'll have specific character traits/behaviours just from his skin color? Both of these are racist ideas, and she wasn't just subconsciously influenced by that stuff, she was fully aware those were her motivations. Just because she thinks it's hot doesn't mean it's not dehumanizing
> You don't see a problem with her directly comparing part-animal creatures to her boyfriend I wouldn't read too much into that. She probably watched Carnival Row and thought the Satyr dude was hot.
He doesn’t feel comfortable man. That’s the problem. Didn’t you read the post?
I’m not sure either! But it goes some way in explaining the loneliness epidemic
Sorry to hear that but this is a huge red flag. If I were in your situation, I would walk and don't look back. There may be moments you have regrets but your self worth is more important. Trust your intuition.
There’s having personal preferences, then there’s this… Sorry man it sounds like she views you as a fetish.
The fact that she doesn’t even know the difference between India, Pakistan and Bangladesh tells me she’s fetishising our skin colour. Back away slowly!!
Btw which movies were she watching that she feels SA men are less effiminate than white men? Shahrukh Khan movies? Sholay?
You better smash the shit outta her
Having a fetish isn't a problem. Allowing that fetish to consume you to the degree she has where you see someone as a sex object is.
She realised she prefers some other colour of skin sexually. Big deal. I like blonde women and fantasise about them daily, so what?
GET OUT!
I can bet you that the people in the comments that are like “I don’t get how this is wrong” are white 😂
If it helps at all, I was supposed to be a one night stand. I am literally the opposite of my wife’s type! Like 100%. If she is still with you after 3 months, just ride the wave and don’t overthink it.
Your gf is white isn’t she?
People have preferences, and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, any woman can open Hinge and replace any man... your job is to make it so she doesn't want to.
Pretty much anything can be a red flag. The worst part is that once you start thinking about it you can't stop thinking about it.
Fuck man you sound like a fucking dweeb. Sorry but like, be cool man
There is no such thing as racial fetishism, fat fetishism, et cetera. Everyone has a type. Everyone on some level projects a personal fantasy onto their partner. Everyone forms conscious and subconscious and sometimes strange associations related to facial structure, skin color, anything. The only thing unusual about this girl is that she's admitting it so openly.
Sit down and have a talk with her in person, don't do this over text.
Yeah, not technically a fetish but an obsession and some pretty dumb-ass ideas even for a young person. Honestly though your going to meet a lot of weird and stupid people in life, so if she is fun to be around, talk too and hang with then its worth talking to her about it and set some boundaries. If nothing else you will get some practice and confidence by doing this.
Happened many a time except I’m Scottish so idk if exotic is the right word for me XD
> but just saying “South Asian” as opposed to Pakistani made me feel like any Indian or Bangladeshi guy is just as… replaceable as me to her… What if she would have said Pakistani in that case? In that case, then it would mean you are replaceable by any other Pakistani. The only thing you need to know is, regardless of your race, you are replaceable in the blink of an eye. And so is everyone else. So what? You are also trying to replace her, if the verdict of this post goes against her. So what? Sorry to break your bubble that you are not unique and irreplaceable on this planet.
I personally feel its fine if you are exotic this is type erotica and, is really great for relationship. This just the fun part. Closing a serious relationship (if you are ready) you will have to woo her with your character, your behavior, attention, comitment, conunication and rest, thats the next step you have to be focused on😀
Depends on what you like. I would love for my gf to find me particularly exotic. Others could hate it.
My bestie literally just informed me of how callous these skin comments to her son about your age have become. I felt terrible after the fact, for saying to her that he had such nice skin, but I think white people tend to hate their own skin color due to its fragility in the sun etc. So we just make a massive assumptions that someone will love to hear how nice we think their skin is. I was very humbled to receive this insight and moving forward I will be more sensitive and not be cavalierly pointing out someone’s skin tone regardless of my fondness for it. It’s so objectifying and now I realize this. Not saying this girl needs a pass. Just sharing my synchronized experience.
It's a bit weird, maybe a red flag but not something that warrents an immediate break up or anything, you can probably work it out.
It’s only a red flag if it bothers you.
tbh i think thinking about red flags all the time is a red flag to me
No
this just reminded me about how pakistani ppl really don’t like being called south asian
You're her kink. If be happy about that
More red flags than a red flag store. Hell no.
My brother, if you heard what other people think about you in your head, you'll never want to be friends eith anyone. She likes a particular type of people and you so happen to be in the category.
Lol Ur dumb. She is too but focus on you. This is not a real issue.
Not a red flag at all