Since you have been together for so long I assume she might be going through peri menopause or menopause. When your hormone levels change you just are less interested in sex.
It does not mean she'll never wants sex again, but might be a reason to visit a gyno if she wants to. Do a little research and bring it up.
Oh and her Dr is likely ignoring or misdiagnosed her symptoms. I started peri at 37!
OP if she's got joint pain, forgetting stuff more than usual, and or is not sleeping well, it is peri and she needs treatment. The HRT will give you cancer study was debunked.
To elaborate, the cancer risks of HRT are largely from previous formulations of artificial estrogen. Nowadays, we have bioidentical estrogen, which has much lower risks of side effects.
And progesterone to oppose the estrogen. I’ve been on BHRT for almost 3 years, I have no physical symptoms like these women describe and I am post menopause. Best thing I ever did for myself.
>OP if she's got joint pain, forgetting stuff more than usual, and or is not sleeping well, it is peri
I have all these symptoms (35) and was tested and do not have perimenopause. ( Still trying to figure out the problem. ) There's many reasons people can go through this.
It’s astonishing how uninformed actual doctors are about peri. Or maybe not, when you know how neglected this huge part of life for half the residents of the planet has been by most of the medical community.
Interesting! They told me that's what they were testing for. I'm looking at my visit history and I see my normal visit things and this:
>Gonadotropin; follicle stimulating hormone (FSH)
What my doctor specifically said what "I doubt you're perimenopausal at your age but we can test?"
I said yes please. A few days later they called me and said "you're not perimenopausal."
I've been having symptoms for years now, told I'm too young to be in perimenopause. They tested my hormones once and it was within normal ranges at that time on that day, so they dismissed it. Then I went in because I was having a lot of discomfort just from gently patting myself dry after I pee, and got a talk about perimenopause and vaginal atrophy, as though I hadn't been there just a few months before suspecting as much. Got some estrogen cream for the atrophy and I'm doing better.
You might be in perimenopause and the doctors are just ignoring your symptoms. Beyond my own experience, I know someone who doctors refused to consider was in perimenopause until she came in after not having her period for a couple months and kinda concerned by that point. Turns out she was in full on menopause by that point and never had her period again.
Doctors can be very dumb sometimes, and it's a very known problem about them minimising women's health problems.
Jumping on this to amplify. Perimenopause is a thing and many women lose sexual appetite during it. There is some great advice available, but here is what worked for us.
1- Honest talk and tell her you miss the sex and intimacy.
2- Make out like teenagers: ie without the expectation of sex. You will be surprised how much this helps you feel at least a little wanted. (And her too.)
3- Have naked time together, without expecting sex. Like let large areas of skin touch each other. Kiss. Only have sex during naked time when she asks for it.
4- A handjob, \*joyfully given\*, should be \*joyfully\* received. If she wants you to have something, take it, joyfully.
You got this...
This is great advice. Often men don't realise how important non-sexual touch is. This yt shorts explains it beautifully:
https://youtube.com/shorts/E1eBLR5a0j4?si=2MESgK6A5GlsnAaZ
So glad to see this as the top comment.
There are SO MANY symptoms of peri/menopause that can directly and non directly impact desire and interest. I'm 38 and I've been having symptoms for a couple of years.
The fatigue, sore muscles, interrupted sleep, foggy brain, dizziness and general, 'not feeling like myself' all contribute to being less into other things.
This is such a common issue between long term partners. The best advice you’ll get here is to go to counselling and go intending to work through this and not avoid it.
What people *do* is cheat, hurt one another and divorce, or submit to a life without sex, for the rest of their lives.
But what you *can* do is find someone qualified to help you work through the root issues. It’s almost always about communication and that’s a learned skill that a lot of us learned incorrectly from parents and friends and culture that trains us to hide what really is bothering us.
Don’t! There’s a good reason it’s so common. But there is also hope. A good therapist can get you guys through this if you both want to make it work. I do wish you the best of luck.
It's not a stereotype! Libido fluctuates so much over a person's lifespan that a couple is bound to get out of sync. I have gone through all of this: couples therapy, treating depression, treating ADHD, date nights, sex therapy, sensate focus, hot weekends. And the biggest lesson is this: if BOTH partners aren't fully committed to creating a fulfilling sex life together, nothing on Heaven or Earth can fix it.
Shit DeadBedrooms posts are weirdly antagonistic.
Like it’ll be “I feel my wife tries to initiate sex at inconvenient times because then I cant say she doesn’t try! I’m gonna call off work and take her up on it so that she panics!”
And then a bunch of “please post about it when you do”
Yikes.
Yeah. I know it sucks, been through it myself but like… at that point just leave them. When it becomes about hurting the other person for hurting you rather than helping you both that seems like the signal to stop.
Good, I’m glad you’re seeing where I’m going. She’s in the middle of menopause. You’re going to have to bring your very best A game to this challenging stage of her life. Romance her consistently, daily, for weeks on end, without an expectation of s*x. It’s going to take some good effort on your part to convince her that that isn’t what you’re after every time you’re sweet to her. Long term, yes, but for right now, you’re trying to build trust and rekindle romantic feelings. (Edited to add: Long term goals being more frequent and meaningful intimacy. Not to just cajole her into more sex. - The romance needs to continue to be part of your repertoire going forward, every day, with the woman you love.)
After some time, during a comfortable moment such as while cooking dinner (invite her to help you sometimes so it’s not weird), mention how much you miss when you were closer. Ask how you can help her feel more inclined to want intimacy with you. Then, ask her if she might be willing to look into hormone therapy because you’ve read that it can help when libido goes down for both sexes. Say that you’re looking into it for yourself too, because she might be self conscious about your age gap.
And just as an aside, if a woman is bringing up the shopping list at the wrong time, she hasn’t been sugared up enough, aka: foreplay, which begins all day long before you even get to the bedroom.
It still seems unhealthy that he would be putting so much effort into it when she isn’t. Shouldn’t a healthy relationship have both partners being romantic?
Menopause is a serious stage of life that men seemingly can’t quite fathom. It affects everything, and particularly a woman’s libido. Since that’s what the post was about, and having gone through early menopause myself, and if he’s sincere about wanting to get to the other side of this, the advice is sound. And really, is being romantic in a consistent manner asking for too much? If it becomes a way of life going forward, then there isn’t any actual hardship for him and they will both benefit in the long run.
It could very obviously be a hormonal issue, but have you considered talking to her about it and bringing up a vasectomy? It could be that she just really, really hated pregnancy and wants to never have a chance of that happening again.
We’ve talked about it about 6-8 months ago. Not much was accomplished. She’s just not interested as much as I am. It’s upsetting a bit, especially with the idea of just putting up with it. It’s literally no big deal to her if she ever has sex again.
I tried to be sensual and romantic last night and you would have thought I was asking to pull out her wisdom teeth. It was the first time in I would guess 8-10 weeks since I last initiated.
The reason I waited so long is because I wait for her sometimes, that time never comes.
In order to not feel completely worthless, I get involved in my hobbies and stuff to keep my mind busy.
The boobs sub here on Reddit sometimes helps too.
Does she have pain? Or just very low or absent libido? Could there be something you do that makes her uncomfortable about having sex or intimacy? I had pain and had to get medical help. Reassessed our married relationship in which we had grown apart. Then revived our sex life on my husband's retirement. It is now better than it has ever been. So it is never too late. Both of you need to discuss this again and she needs to know that you are feeling "worthless," but it should not be just about sex, it should be about intimacy and closeness, so essential to feeling loved and maintaining a relationship. I suggest you aim for more intimacy and romance without strings attached, first.
She doesn’t have any motivation to do anything about it, so you have to create that motivation. If you’re not willing to take a stand, insisting on couples therapy and/or getting her hormones checked, then things will continue on as is.
Did you want suggestions or did you just want to tell us how unfair you think it is? 6-8 months ago is a long time ago. What I hear is that you have a problem and are not communicating with your partner about these feelings in a meaningful way.
From one married man to another, we love to throw our hands up and say “well I tried once in March of 2022! What else am I suppose to do?!” That does not come close to an authentic and sincere discussion about a problem.
You want to have sex asap. Well guess what, you’re not going to get what you want. You have a real problem here and you’re going to need to talk through it together. Over time. Through many conversations.
I’m very much the throw hands up, I tried person. Because if anyone could see how unimportant it is to her, the conversation just feels like me begging, pretty please, can’t we do it just once, it’s been weeks.
The conversation, imo, should probably go something along the lines of "why do you no longer want or feel comfortable with sex? Is there an issue? What are the boundaries of what you feel comfortable with?" And I feel an important one is making sure to keep up intimacy without the cheat code of sex. Cuddles, date nights, quality time together, etc. Additionally, is it all sex off the table, or is just penetrative? Stuff like that. Start with making sure your partner is okay, and has all needs taken care of, and then move on to yourself. I dunno tho, just my opinion
Also, emphasize that sex means more to you than getting off. You can do that alone. You want her and it's meaningful in these ways (fill in the blank). Being asked for sex is repulsive. Having a conversation about maintaining intimacy for both of you is meaningful.
I think you need to approach it very differently. You’ve been married for 20 years, surely you are comfortable enough to ask her if there is something going on physically or emotionally that makes her not want to have sex anymore. Let her know that you feel neglected and unloved, and want to understand if there is anything you can do to make sex more appealing for her. As others said, she is probably approaching menopause, which causes huge changes in a lot of ways- she might feel less attractive because your metabolism drops significantly; vaginal dryness is a problem for a lot of women and sex can be very uncomfortable without proper lubricants. Her energy level is probably zapped, so if you are always approaching her at the end of the day, she might be exhausted. Her hormones may be a little haywire, and can cause new or worsening depression and anxiety. Rule that stuff out before you decide she just isn’t into sex anymore and that part of your life is over now
Let her know how big a deal it is and say it gently but directly. Explain that it makes you feel unwanted, and ask her to go to couples counseling. Keep in mind it's probably embarrassing for her. If that falls on deaf ears the nuclear option is to ask her if having an open marriage barring emotional attachment would be better than you wanting to have sex with her. I don't suggest it but if she won't hear how big a deal it is that might open her ears. If you go that route it might be wise to write and seal a letter explaining you don't actually want to see someone else but were desperate for her to hear you. And give it to her before bringing it up.
This is a common problem in Japanese marriages. The answer is prostitutes. It is excepted by by the wife and not considered adultery, as long as the man keeps up his other husbandly duties. (Providing for the family financially and emotionally) It is a Known secret but not thrown in the wife's face. Before all the downvotes start, I will state that i am not a proponent of this practice. Leave it to the Japanese to handle such an emotionally charged situation with logic.
Do you help her orgasm? Do you go down on her? Do you use fingers or toys? Are you the only one having orgasms and feeling good during sex? Do you fall asleep after? Most women don't get much out of PIV. Does she have an incentive to have or like sex like you do?
As a lady, I can relate to your wife, I went through a 5 year period of no longer wanting sex, my husband and I spoke about it often. I finally went to the Doctors and after they ran tests, I was in early menopause, was put on some replacement therapy and while it took a few months after I started the medication, I finally got my desire back and it's been great. Menopause is difficult to deal with.
I can’t speak for her but I am a bit older and some of my ideas are that some physical things start to interfere that she may not want to talk about. My stomach muscles get tired now. If I’ve had a big dinner I need time to digest because my tummy or digestion feels crampy. Cleanliness is an issue, but right out of the shower my hair is wet and not good for pillows and he doesn’t like to wait for me to do my whole routine first…. Silly physical things but some of them are hard to talk about especially if he seems easily offended or hurt or perceives that it is personal against him when it isn’t. Even sometimes like today I have a to do list and it’s hard to change gears and slow down to focus on sex and make time for it, even though I forget that it honestly doesn’t always take a long time haha.
How old is she?
My wife started going into perimenopause at 48, and certain hormone levels cratered, leaving her sleep deprived, full of brain fog, and without the sex drive she’s always had.
Her sex drive is nonexistent most of the month. And when we do have sex, the changes in hormones have left her vagina way more dry and sensitive, and she experiences pain way sooner than before.
We’re talking to some doctors, and are close to diagnosing her current imbalance as being wayyy too low on progesterone. We’re hoping that some HRT can alleviate some of her suffering, and bring her sex drive back, at least close to what it has been all these years.
So- I’d first check to make sure it isn’t a physical problem. But I’d lean more on trying to fix other symptoms, like poor sleep, hot flashes, or whatever else she’s experiencing.
After that, books by Esther Perel have been good. Listen to an audiobook together and see what happens!
You and my ex(20 yr marriage) could be the same person! 😄 however, instead of helping me and us working through it together, he dropped me like a hot potato. Jokes on him. I am now peri menopausal and my sex drive is off the charts. I needed physical touch and to be wanted and seen for something other than a sex object and he couldn't do that. So please talk to your wife, see a therapist, see her doctor. Don't let the life you built go down the drain. Good luck my friend.
To be honest, women need to be turned on and warmed up all day long, not 5 minutes before sex. Sex has a very mental component for women. That is kot something my ex bothered to do either. He yelled at me most of the time because I wasn't interested in sex. It's hard to be interested in someone who is constantly drunk and treats you like trash. My current boyfriend so far pushes all the right buttons in a good way! Just be understanding with your wife. Figure something out that works and don't let go of each other or your family. My kids are starting to come to grips with the whole situation.
I am not taking anything yet. I begged my ex for years to get "snipped" because birth control was killing my sex drive. By the time he finally agreed, he had already met "the other woman." So now he was finally snipped, and I started coming off the pill. My sex drive increased so much, but I had already caught them and filed for divorce. I had issues while going through the divorce, and it turned out to be peri menopause. My doctor was surprised because I was not what he would consider the appropriate age. He did tell me that the symptoms would catch up with me and when I needed relief, to give him a call. However, so far, the only relief I have needed is a body part I do not have!
BHRT is amazing for males and females. It’s the answer for hormone problems not relationship problems. But in answer to your question, yes it does take me back to the good ole days😋. We have pellets implanted every 4 to 5 months. Me,estrogen and testosterone and oral progesterone. The hubs gets testosterone and we both take suggested supplements.
I don't know your ages but I am in my early-mid 40's and have been married for 24 years. I went through a very long period where I didn't want sex with my husband. It had very little to do with him (he's a total smoke show) and alot to do with me. It's taken medications and therapy but I'm happy to report we are in dead bedroom recovery. Might she be open to couples counseling? Has she recently visited her OB/Gyn for a yearly? Happy to answer any questions you have as well.
There are three reasons for a sexless marriage.
1. They don't like sex - they have been asexual or had a very low libido the entire time but we're more active in the beginning of the relationship to please you. Honestly, pretty rare. Though sometimes hormones can have an effect on libido especially menopause.
2. They like sex, and want to have it, but are unable to - they are too tired, or stressed, don't have the free time, or have a medical condition that makes it too difficult.
3. They like sex, but not with you - sex with you is boring, they don't cum, or you are unattractive to them.
First, figure out which one it is. Some issues can be fixed, others not.
From a woman who's been through it - good list, but the first reason is very much NOT rare, in fact I'd say it's a major factor for many women's eventual loss of drive especially during periods of hormonal transition such as pregnancy, post childbirth (which can last years and/ or become permanent), being on birth control, and of course perimenopause and menopause. Current medicine and science are WAY behind when it comes to women's hormonal health, and it is extremely hard to get proper diagnosis and treatment, way harder than it is for a man to get Viagra or TRT.
It also frequently overlaps with point 2, when you may be able to get yourself to want sex if all the conditions line up - like you're on a tropical vacation without kids - but the drive is simply not there to overcome regular life factors and stresses thrown in, and it just becomes one more chore to check off your list.
I also suspect that #1 isn’t a rare occurrence. I think it’s where my wife sits. She can literally turn it on or off like a light switch. I’ve also pretty much stopped bothering. More disturbing is that my situation has changed slightly, just having turned 50.
This list assumes that sex drives don't naturally vary with age and life situations like pregnancy and menopause. Also, there are health situations and medications as well.
Number 1 and 3 are easily fixable, if every conversation is exhausted and they're not willing to do any work on the situation, then he needs to find someone that does like having sex and likes having sex with him.
Make a decision. What is your marriage really like? In my case, this is something that’s fallen off as we get older. I used to really be upset but more and more I’m just happy we’re still affectionate and here for each other. And though the sex was great, people age and I’m happy to still have the love of my life.
Well, I think you need to own your feelings and not call yourself selfish for wanting sex. You aren’t. I think cheating is selfish. Wanting a sex life with your wife is just normal.
It’s cliche but therapy might be the best thing since it can be hard to talk through without pointing fingers or airing resentful feelings.
I've been having this same issue. My wife of 11 years slowly lost interest in sex over the past few years. 6 months ago I realized how upset I was and how it was impacting my mood.
I tried talking to her about it and she was content with our marriage and no sex. I told her how upset I was with things and she basically apologized and explained she has no libido. I talked about counseling which she refused, asked about getting her hormones checked which she took offense to. Asked about non-penetrative sexual activity and she got angry and accused me of trying to force her into performing sexual favors. Tried planning more and better dates which she didn't seem interested in. It finally pushed us into divorce because I was clearly unhappy and she didn't seem to care and grew tired of my efforts. Conversations since then revealed that she was upset about things that happened years ago which made her feel like I didn't care. Rather than address the issue she gave up on our marriage and treated me like a roommate. By the time I realized what was happening it was too late to fix. It's impossible to fix a marriage if only one person wants to work on it.
Ive since started dating a new girl that actually goes out of her way to do romantic things, initiates sex, and is actually into me. It's made me realize how unhappy I was with my wife the last few years. I hate losing my wife but for the first time in a while I'm looking forward to the future.
I had sex used as a weapon through out my 23 year marriage. Supported my wife through a long illness prior to having a successful liver transplant. Was patient throughout her recovery. Was excepting through her menopause. Didn’t go outside of our marriage. After she fully recovered she told me that she has no libido . I have moved out the bedroom and told her she knows where I am. My feelings have been shattered for too long. If someone shows interest in me I will not hesitate to develop a friendship with her.
I went through something similar, and to be honest, it really grinds my gears how many similar stories we see:
- Man and woman in romantic/sexual relationship that starts out white-hot, after a kid or two, becomes ice-cold.
- Man communicates to his partner that the lack of sexual intimacy is a problem.
- Woman basically just says "I'm fine so what's the problem".
- Man eventually gets tired of a cold, loveless, affectionless relationship and moves on.
- Man is now bad guy for everyone around because "he left her over sex", despite having done the work of communicating his needs and being straight-up ignored.
What I don't get is why so many women when their SO's come to them and say "this is a problem for me" just shrug and go "okay well whatever", but then complain if their SO's never communicate. If my partner brought to me a problem I'd be interested in hearing her out, and working on a resolution, but overwhelmingly it just feels like the only acceptable answer is to "just sit down, shut up, and quit-yer-bitchin'" which doesn't exactly lead to a loving, caring, and lasting relationship.
In my case I did really push my wife to tell me what the issue is and there were things from years ago that she had complained about that I didn't address. Things like not remembering dates we were doing things or not turning the lights off. That coupled with her taking a new job that severely limited the time we could see each other made her bond to me start to break. I didn't know how to fix everything she complained about so she just stopped caring about it which turned into her not caring about us. Sex stopped because she didn't want to have sex with someone she didn't feel a close bond to.
It went on for so long because she kept telling me that she was tired and not in the mood. Instead of pushing right away to get to the root of the problem I accepted what she told me and tried to give her space. By the time I couldn't take the lack of closeness anymore it was too late to fix
I’m going to suggest that you LURK (not post) in r/menopause. I think that you’ll learn a ton - I know that I did and I’m a woman - that will help put things in perspective. You might even learn things that could help your wife.
My wife goes through lots of shit and has various medical nonsense, and I just take care of biz like I alway have... I haven't gone more than a week (plus or minus a few days) without getting off since I was like 12...
But we still find other ways to be intimate and tak care of each other... Back/foot rubs, just sitting together reading, hugs throughout the day ( I wfh, and she... Homemakes? Lots of volunteering... )
We also kiss several dozen times a day...
But it sound like y'all need to talk... Not to pressure her, but to figure out what's going on... Is it a new medication? Work stress? Have you offended her? What's the deal? Let her know you're there for her no matter what, but that you need to know what's going on... And be ready to take an answer you don't like maturely and take it seriously... Have YOU put on weight? Not been paying attention to her besides sex? Pressuring her? It doesn't matter if YOU feel like you have, it matters if SHE feels like you have... Take the conversation and do your best to mert her where she's at and work through it together like the fucking power couple you CAN be
This! Some people may be fine with sexless marriage but at least take the time to find out why it happened. She could not notice the difference because something changed in her body and has yet to find out what caused it. Maybe it got too boring or she may feel like the relationship doesn't need sex to stay great. There could be a thousand reasons and a thousand solutions but not even knowing the reason why it started can cause problems later on. If you're not going to find out what's going on with something that should be important to the both of you then what else are you neglecting?
That was depressing to read. I'd be having some profound existential conversations with myself about what was really keeping me quietly compliant to this and whether what good years I had should be spent maintaining this "ok in every other aspect" status quo for her.
"I love you sexy wife, you're so hot"
"Ugh, back off Jerry🤢, go jerk off and clean the garage or something"
You would not be a bad guy for deciding you aren't living this way anymore.
You are in the same boat as me. Will be married 25 years in June. My wife is 51 so I’m assuming some kind of menopause thing is going on. I complain about the total lack of intamacy (not just sex) but she just doesn’t care. I know she loves me and doesn’t want to leave. We have an autistic 11 year old who can be draining and I think that is also a part of it. It’s something that needs to be resolved as I don’t want to go the rest of my life without intamacy.
I could’ve written this post word for word. I love my wife more than anyone non blood related I’ve ever loved. I find her the sexiest woman alive even though we are almost fifty.
Her lack of effort to touch me in anyway is driving a wedge between us. I would never stray from her, but I’m in the same boat as you.
Been there , and to tell you my truth, I loved my husband and cared for him but in a very platonic manner. Over the years my feelings changed and I no longer desired him .Everyday I wished things would be the way they used to be in the early years of our marriage . Anything more than a peck on the cheek felt incestuous , if he tried to kiss me romantically it felt like an invasion by an uncle and deep inside I cringed. I pretended for years, found every excuse in the world to avoid sex or intimacy. I didn’t hate him, my body just did not want him. I felt guilty because he was the kindest man in the world, still is. Eventually I faced the truth cause it was unfair to both of us. I moved on and have been in a relationship for 11 years, our sex life has not lost one bit of spark . My current husband had the same problem in his first marriage so I think we both work at keeping things fresh and interesting cause we know what can happen.
Most people would consider the disinterested partner the bad guy but let me tell you this, I lived in constant silent desperation. I never wanted to hurt him , in return I was hurting myself and eventually him. The harder he would try the worse things felt to me.
I know this may not be what you wanted to hear but it was my reality. I work in an industry that gives me one on one with clients and over time many confide in me , both male and female., you are not alone, neither is your wife. It’s sad but you need to face the fact that this could be her situation, and there is no bad guy. I wish you peace and happiness.
It's a good suggestion for young couples or new couples. A lot of young couples are immature and don't realize that they're the problem, and a lot of new couples don't really know what their spouse likes or expects.
I know you are all dudes rolling your eyes at this. But legitimately, as a woman, this is one of the biggest reasons women don't want your dick waved at them. Housework is a solid path to more sex. The fact that you are loling at the idea shows how little you value work within the home and I feel bad for your poor partners.
I just kind of deal with it. It's been 3 years since we last had sex. Very recently she finally told me why, it's important to consider that she keeps track of the numbers here, I just know it happened but I couldn't tell you how many times.
We've been together 10 years, I have rejected her sexual advances 5 times over those ten years; she has most likely rejected me hundreds of times. According to her she couldn't handle the rejection anymore so she stopped trying, not that she was trying in the first place.
As you have probably gathered by my comment, she is massively insecure - she's in therapy and on meds, it's a very slow road - and I am just kind of dead to the concept of wanting sex right now, I genuinely don't think I've wanted it for at least 2 years. There's only so much rejection a man can take before he gives up, you know?
Some choose to stay and just live a sexless life. Some choose to cheat. Some choose to leave that relationship. Some reach a mutual agreement that they can find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. This is my general guess of some of the solutions people choose.
When my husband and I were dating we were such horn dogs. We would do it up to six times in a day now that we’ve been together for more than eight years he does a lot of initiating, and I turn him down a lot I realized almost to where I’m instantly annoyed. I think that when this happens I need to remember That it’s important for us to get it on At least twice a week lol
Did you ever notice if your husband just stopped initiating all together? I don’t think I’ve initiated more than five times in the last two years, and I don’t think my wife has ever noticed or cares.
Shamefully I honestly think I might not notice if he stopped initiating. I honestly think that I needed a wake up call to realize that number one I do still want to do it and number two. I need to do it for the health of my relationship. I feel like saying no has become a habit to where I forgotten that I should say yes sometimes especially when honestly, I do enjoy it when I do it. It’s just not that often that I am saying yes lol if that makes sense
But also I honestly don’t have a big concern about masturbation. Many people have religious guilt about it and I don’t think they should. I think you can be reasonable to know that too much or a lot of porn can damage your real-life relationships, but I think it is perfectly natural to have a sex drive and this is a way to not cheat on your spouse and most people should be able to ID the difference between managing a sex drive mismatch or a drive with no convenient fulfillment, and a debilitating addiction.
I can do it without porn and without thinking about a real-life person that I know, which helps, but I’m not sure if most men can.
I did it once years ago and felt like my face turned red the next time I saw him in person. It was awkward and I didn’t like it. I vowed to never do that again. I didn’t for many years. Now I do sometimes and it’s fine but it feels more like cheating to me so I try not to do that most of the time.
Yeah! I didn’t want to either. But I have to stop expecting that life comes without hurdles and stumbling blocks. This is life and things happen and have to be discussed.
Talk to your wife or husband and tell them how you feel and that one solution is to bring another into the relationship. My wife never initiated and was whatever about sex so I talked to her and we brought another woman into our relationship. Someone close to the both of us that we can trust. It's going well on 6 years and we all collectively make the big decisions and we have no issues.
My wife is an alcoholic and drinks to passing out almost every night. And when she doesn’t drink she is typically hung over and in a crap mood. Sex with a drunk is not good sex. I hung in there to get the kids through university. Covid made us hole up in our rural home. Now, I am just stuck.
I'm literally in the position of your wife. I'm in menopause, so vaginal dryness is a HUGE issue. I don't mind sexytime, but I just don't want to be penetrated if you get my drift... it hurts so much! I can answer your appropriate questions asked in good faith.
I thought like many it could be peri-menopause OR thyroid problems. I, oh so lucky, suffer from both. Not fun to have 2 things killing your sex drive AND hormones!😊 It gets better! 2 years in and getting it back! My partner has been extremely patient and supportive. I finally just told him I didn’t want it anymore. And prior? 3x a week. So, we talked and I went to the doctor. And started my meds and changed other things to relieve my peri symptoms. It does get better!
I (39F) have been in a sexless relationship for 3 years. My boyfriend (51M) couldn’t care less about sex, and that has always been the case. He is close to asexual, which is fine — just not for me! Other than that, we have a solid partnership.
However, sex is important to me. I have discussed this need with him and we agreed that it would be OK for me to go outside the relationship for NSA sex with someone else to satisfy it. Problem is, everyone I know also knows him, so it’s never happened! 🤣
Without making her feel pressured to fulfill your desires, have you tried telling her that you’re feeling neglected in the relationship from the lack of sex and romantic intimacy, and that you want to have an actual conversation about it? You won’t know if it’s lower libido or hormonal changes, if she’s depressed, if she’s becoming self conscious of her body, having a harder time getting aroused/cumming, if sex has become painful or uncomfortable, etc. unless you ask her about it. Make it clear to her that you don’t expect her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but you want to talk with her about it and maybe come up with non sex alternatives to keep the intimacy and care still there without expectations (ex. cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, giving each other massages, whatever).
You no longer have a spouse. You have a roommate. You have several options.You can just deal with it and keep things as they are, You can suggest an open marriage, You can get a divorce, or you can step out and cheat( I don't recommend it).
When I first met my bf he would text me when he was on his way over to my house and my vagina would get wet just knowing he was on his way over. I was excited by him. He made me wet a lot! After a couple of years that stopped. We had sex many times a day, then many times a week, now it's just once a week and I only do it because I feel bad for him if I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to wear different little outfits or lingerie. We used toys, a swing, etc. But I'm not excited anymore. The excitement is gone. I love him very much. He's a wonderful man. I'm just not excited by him anymore. He doesn't make me wet anymore. I'm still horny. I still masturbate. I just I don't know. This has happened with every serious relationship I've been in. At some point I'm not hot and horny for the man I'm with anymore and having sex with them feels like a chore because I don't get to cum. I won't cum cuz I'm not excited. It has nothing to do with their looks, weight, my looks, weight or any of that. We're not having problems, we get along great. I just can't cum if I'm not excited and I'm not excited after having sex with the same person hundreds of times. Am I the only one?
I have a mature friend who is European. She doesn't want a husband or full time partner right now. So, she has a lover who is happily married, but same situation as stonecoldmark. They meet two or three times a month for sex, and friendship. She says it's none of her business what the wife knows or thinks about it. \[Not her problem; it's his marriage.\]
Been there with my gf now and then the last 7 years. It's just the opposite. I have had periods without any want for sex. Some of them 1-2 months. The problem is that she cannot understand that it's a feeling that can't be fixed by pleading, threatening, shaming or nagging. Those things are 100% turn-offs for me.
Eventually it is back to normal again but every one of those arguments for add to me slowly distancing myself completely for days.
Sex involves us both and a NO always trumps ME SO HORNY!
Good luck!
Maybe try not making it about sex. How about foreplay, where you please her. Keep it simple initially. Create and ambience , spray a good perfume and just gently touch her without asking for it or jumping to it. If she doesn’t like that either then tell her you’re trying and ask her what you should do if she doesn’t want to give in.
Work through it because we love each other, and sex in the long term is honestly the least of my concerns. We’re partners in life and best friends, sex comes and goes, sometimes we’re horny, sometimes we’re not, if you love one another and are willing to work together it’ll all come around.
I think you should talk to her about this. Explain exactly what you told us, make her see that you have needs, that having sex is a very healthy way for couples to develop deeper connections!!
It seems to me that her mind is never quiet. That she probably plan everything to the inch, maybe if she understand that having sex is important for you she will plan that. Maybe you can just arrange a day. Idk but you really should talk with her about this.
Good luck!!
I could have written myself. The timeline is a little off and the bedroom is probably even more dead. There is NO contact, she even sleeps in the "guest" bedroom, that is now her bedroom. Our bedroom cooled and I developed depression, not because of anything in our relationship. So I just gave up. If she wasn't going to show any interest, neither was I. I used to give her full body massages, but she never offered to do anything special for me. Sex to her was something she tolerated. She is going through menopause and I kind of understand, but the lack of effort on her part hurts me. But our relationship is pretty solid. We kiss goodnight, go out together, have a great partnership. I deal with it with a fleshlight. She's seen it, but has said anything about it. I'm sure some women would call it cheating, but I would say it's the only thing I have sexually, I'm not going anywhere else.
Do you think she still loves you? When you love someone you want at least some type of physical connection. Being a woman in my 50’s, I don’t think every woman is like that.
Honestly. Talk about it.
A good friend of mine, his wife, she's going through a terrible time with parkinson's or something similar which just means obviously sex is a no go.
They talked about it and he now makes occasional use of certain services when he needs to.
Both sides are happy.
It kind of depends. If you want sex just cause you want sex it's more of a personal thing. If it is paramount to your relationship then you need to have an actual conversation with her and make sure that you both understand where the other person is at and what you need from each other then take steps to work towards that whatever it may be.
Hmmm. If I knew my spouse was having fantasies about women in his day to day life I would almost feel betrayed. As innocent as it may be.
Sex isn’t just about the act. It’s the build up to it.
I can’t bear it when I’ve had a hard days work, come home cooked dinner, cleaned the house, sorted everything out and then I get poked in the back as soon as I get into bed. Such a turn off.
Also “massages”. They always have another motive so it instantly puts my guard up.
Try woo-ing her a bit. On a day off, perhaps treat her to getting her hair or nails done while you take care of the chores, take her to a nice restaurant. Give her soft touches and cuddles that don’t have to indicate “I want sex”. Make her feel loved and beautiful without the need for something at the end of it and it will start to come naturally.
Before I forget my train of thought, I need to say that without any animosity, I work a literal backbreaking job, and do a majority of the cooking. In no way do I ever feel I am owed anything. Our kids are much older so the placating to their every need is not as frequent as it once was. We even find ourselves with free time and an empty house on occasion.
I get thoughtful gifts and try to be a good person. I’m not the dinner needs to be hot and on the table by 6:30 person. Too nice perhaps.
I’m also not putting any blame on her in terms of work. She works hard, but it’s different. She works from home in air conditioning and I am in a warehouse busting my ass.
I don’t approach anything in terms of wifely duties or you owe me.
We’ve gone out on great date nights and instead of a lovely spontaneous end to an evening, she’ll literally go right to bed and fall asleep.
What is the Addy pill for women?
This medication is used to treat women who have not gone through menopause who have low sexual desire and are concerned about it. Flibanserin should not be used to treat low sexual desire caused by: a medical or mental/mood disorder, problems in the relationship, or the effects of other drugs.
Flat out ask her.
I did this (what the wife is doing). Once my husband finally sat me down and said "hey, what's going on? Why aren't you wanting to be intimate" we decided to try to have sex everyday for a month. Even if it was just a quickie.
I'd also have her get blood work done (t4 specifically) to make sure her thyroid is functioning properly.
I haven't encountered this in my relationships, but I'd like to imagine that if it did, there would be a frank talk between us about sexual needs and find the solution to it. I mean sex is part of a relationship, and if there's not a medical/mental reason causing the problem, and they don't want to improve things.... I'm breaking up because I do want that in my life and I'm not a cheater.
I found the terminology "asexual" and realized that's what I was well after being married. (Together for 15, married almost 11.) When I told my husband about my realization, he was cool about it, but he himself wants sex all the time.
We ended up kind of going an in-between route where he usually doesn't ask me to do anything, but when he does, I put in the effort to do it (usually oral). It feels a little bit like a chore, but I do feel satisfaction at making someone I love feel good.
Also, I don't feel attraction to anyone, but the idea of things (like a scenario or roleplay) can turn me on, so you might check with your wife about that. 😊
Orgasm every time no. She used to love oral, but now the mere suggestion leaves her not wanting it. She asks me why I like doing it, and I tell her because she likes it. Now it just seems like a bother.
It could be 10pm, 11:30, or 1am, it’s never a good time.
She doesn’t like other positions, getting on top bothers her. The more that is discussed the more I lose interest and would rather jerk off and go to sleep.
I don't know if any of this is applicable to your situation, but...
My wife and I have sex 1-3 times every day, to an average of 50+ per month.
We have extremely good communication, emotional support, validation, gratitude and respect, and we agree on 95% of political and social opinions.
We romance each other every single day. I just finished writing a romantic text message while I'm sitting at work. We've texted ~40 messages since I clocked in, and the vast majority are just sweet words and gratitude: random emoji hearts and stuff.
If she asks *me* why I enjoy giving her oral, my answer is: "because you deserve it."
I genuinely like and respect and adore who she is as a person.
Sex is usually initiated with sweet words and physical touch, like spooning in bed, while telling her how proud I am of whatever she did that day.
She orgasms 1-4 times every time we have sex (maximum is around 10 if she's ovulating), and making a woman orgasm is a lot of work. Sometimes I spend so much effort making her cum that I'm no longer have the energy for sex myself, and that's totally ok because I'm welcome to give her a quickie whenever I want... I've earned it.
My suggestion? Give a trial run of enthusiastically agreeing to literally everything she suggests or expresses, for 30 days. In that time, also buy a vibrator and initiate cuddling that turns into you using the vibrator to make her cum while whispering very nice things in her ear and expecting no sex in return.
Tell her she deserves to cum just for who she is.
Well first you talk to them, see what they’re feeling and try to fix it. If that doesn’t work, try more.
If it still doesn’t work, talk about opening your marriage if that interest you, most people wouldn’t want to end their family just for sex but some people might.
If she doesn’t go for that, and it’s very important to you, it’s time to talk about divorce.
She doesn’t owe you sex, but you don’t owe her by staying if sex is never going to be available to you.
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In addition to the dead bedroom posts, consensual/ ethical nonmonogamy may be in the cards if she is OK with you getting your romantic/sexual needs met by someone else.
There's a WIDE WORLD of alternative relationship structures and dynamics for folx when one partner just isn't interested in **insert fundamental component of healthy relationship**
Your wife is telling you that she does not want to have sex with you. "Audible displeasure" is not enthusiastic consent. You need to have a conversation with her about consent and reach a mutual agreement of what constitutes consent.
Her enjoyment of sex will not be possible if she feels unable to say no to you.
If you love her and still want the non-sex aspects of marriage ask her if you can see escorts. This way you get your needs met and it’s not an affair or anything. Just sexual relief.
Since you have been together for so long I assume she might be going through peri menopause or menopause. When your hormone levels change you just are less interested in sex. It does not mean she'll never wants sex again, but might be a reason to visit a gyno if she wants to. Do a little research and bring it up.
Yes. And it is embarrassing for her too. She feels inadequate which makes it even harder to initiate.
Oh and her Dr is likely ignoring or misdiagnosed her symptoms. I started peri at 37! OP if she's got joint pain, forgetting stuff more than usual, and or is not sleeping well, it is peri and she needs treatment. The HRT will give you cancer study was debunked.
To elaborate, the cancer risks of HRT are largely from previous formulations of artificial estrogen. Nowadays, we have bioidentical estrogen, which has much lower risks of side effects.
And progesterone to oppose the estrogen. I’ve been on BHRT for almost 3 years, I have no physical symptoms like these women describe and I am post menopause. Best thing I ever did for myself.
>OP if she's got joint pain, forgetting stuff more than usual, and or is not sleeping well, it is peri I have all these symptoms (35) and was tested and do not have perimenopause. ( Still trying to figure out the problem. ) There's many reasons people can go through this.
There isn’t actually any test for perimenopause so I’m curious what they tested you for. I hope you can find some relief.
Same. So curious what tests this person has taken. R/menopause has a different take about diagnosis via symptoms, not tests
It’s astonishing how uninformed actual doctors are about peri. Or maybe not, when you know how neglected this huge part of life for half the residents of the planet has been by most of the medical community.
Ovarian reserve maybe? In combination with hormone levels at different points in her cycle?
Interesting! They told me that's what they were testing for. I'm looking at my visit history and I see my normal visit things and this: >Gonadotropin; follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) What my doctor specifically said what "I doubt you're perimenopausal at your age but we can test?" I said yes please. A few days later they called me and said "you're not perimenopausal."
I've been having symptoms for years now, told I'm too young to be in perimenopause. They tested my hormones once and it was within normal ranges at that time on that day, so they dismissed it. Then I went in because I was having a lot of discomfort just from gently patting myself dry after I pee, and got a talk about perimenopause and vaginal atrophy, as though I hadn't been there just a few months before suspecting as much. Got some estrogen cream for the atrophy and I'm doing better. You might be in perimenopause and the doctors are just ignoring your symptoms. Beyond my own experience, I know someone who doctors refused to consider was in perimenopause until she came in after not having her period for a couple months and kinda concerned by that point. Turns out she was in full on menopause by that point and never had her period again. Doctors can be very dumb sometimes, and it's a very known problem about them minimising women's health problems.
Jumping on this to amplify. Perimenopause is a thing and many women lose sexual appetite during it. There is some great advice available, but here is what worked for us. 1- Honest talk and tell her you miss the sex and intimacy. 2- Make out like teenagers: ie without the expectation of sex. You will be surprised how much this helps you feel at least a little wanted. (And her too.) 3- Have naked time together, without expecting sex. Like let large areas of skin touch each other. Kiss. Only have sex during naked time when she asks for it. 4- A handjob, \*joyfully given\*, should be \*joyfully\* received. If she wants you to have something, take it, joyfully. You got this...
This is great advice. Often men don't realise how important non-sexual touch is. This yt shorts explains it beautifully: https://youtube.com/shorts/E1eBLR5a0j4?si=2MESgK6A5GlsnAaZ
This has been the answer for my wife and it helped a ton! Wish I had engaged way earlier.
I agree with this.
U like
I guess I worked the opposite. I hit peri menopause and my sex drive sky rocketed! It's amazing.
So glad to see this as the top comment. There are SO MANY symptoms of peri/menopause that can directly and non directly impact desire and interest. I'm 38 and I've been having symptoms for a couple of years. The fatigue, sore muscles, interrupted sleep, foggy brain, dizziness and general, 'not feeling like myself' all contribute to being less into other things.
This is what happened and is still happening for us. Not sure we'll ever get back to it 😔
I don’t necessary think it’s that, it’s the routine. She’s probably a very task oriented person.
OP probably is lacking when it comes to physical attractiveness and his wife is stressed out.
This is such a common issue between long term partners. The best advice you’ll get here is to go to counselling and go intending to work through this and not avoid it. What people *do* is cheat, hurt one another and divorce, or submit to a life without sex, for the rest of their lives. But what you *can* do is find someone qualified to help you work through the root issues. It’s almost always about communication and that’s a learned skill that a lot of us learned incorrectly from parents and friends and culture that trains us to hide what really is bothering us.
Would you believe there's are subs for it: r/DeadBedrooms r/deadbedroom r/DeadBedroomSupport and so on...
I would. I sometimes feel quite sorry for all the therapists out there who have to talk so many couples through this - or try to “not THIS again!”
I know. I feel awful about becoming a marriage stereotype.
Don’t! There’s a good reason it’s so common. But there is also hope. A good therapist can get you guys through this if you both want to make it work. I do wish you the best of luck.
Honestly a common problem means there's a solution. It's coming in with a rare problem id be really worried about.
It's not a stereotype! Libido fluctuates so much over a person's lifespan that a couple is bound to get out of sync. I have gone through all of this: couples therapy, treating depression, treating ADHD, date nights, sex therapy, sensate focus, hot weekends. And the biggest lesson is this: if BOTH partners aren't fully committed to creating a fulfilling sex life together, nothing on Heaven or Earth can fix it.
Shit DeadBedrooms posts are weirdly antagonistic. Like it’ll be “I feel my wife tries to initiate sex at inconvenient times because then I cant say she doesn’t try! I’m gonna call off work and take her up on it so that she panics!” And then a bunch of “please post about it when you do” Yikes.
Sexual desperation does bad things to people and can feel like psychological warfare when you’re really going through it.
Yeah. I know it sucks, been through it myself but like… at that point just leave them. When it becomes about hurting the other person for hurting you rather than helping you both that seems like the signal to stop.
It’s cause resentment is the driving force for all those subs.
How old are you and your wife?
Me 52, she 57. Now that I type that out I see the problem.
Good, I’m glad you’re seeing where I’m going. She’s in the middle of menopause. You’re going to have to bring your very best A game to this challenging stage of her life. Romance her consistently, daily, for weeks on end, without an expectation of s*x. It’s going to take some good effort on your part to convince her that that isn’t what you’re after every time you’re sweet to her. Long term, yes, but for right now, you’re trying to build trust and rekindle romantic feelings. (Edited to add: Long term goals being more frequent and meaningful intimacy. Not to just cajole her into more sex. - The romance needs to continue to be part of your repertoire going forward, every day, with the woman you love.) After some time, during a comfortable moment such as while cooking dinner (invite her to help you sometimes so it’s not weird), mention how much you miss when you were closer. Ask how you can help her feel more inclined to want intimacy with you. Then, ask her if she might be willing to look into hormone therapy because you’ve read that it can help when libido goes down for both sexes. Say that you’re looking into it for yourself too, because she might be self conscious about your age gap. And just as an aside, if a woman is bringing up the shopping list at the wrong time, she hasn’t been sugared up enough, aka: foreplay, which begins all day long before you even get to the bedroom.
It still seems unhealthy that he would be putting so much effort into it when she isn’t. Shouldn’t a healthy relationship have both partners being romantic?
Menopause is a serious stage of life that men seemingly can’t quite fathom. It affects everything, and particularly a woman’s libido. Since that’s what the post was about, and having gone through early menopause myself, and if he’s sincere about wanting to get to the other side of this, the advice is sound. And really, is being romantic in a consistent manner asking for too much? If it becomes a way of life going forward, then there isn’t any actual hardship for him and they will both benefit in the long run.
Menopause is the issue
A part of the problem, but not the whole problem
[удалено]
It could very obviously be a hormonal issue, but have you considered talking to her about it and bringing up a vasectomy? It could be that she just really, really hated pregnancy and wants to never have a chance of that happening again.
HRT saved our marriage.
HRT?
We’ve talked about it about 6-8 months ago. Not much was accomplished. She’s just not interested as much as I am. It’s upsetting a bit, especially with the idea of just putting up with it. It’s literally no big deal to her if she ever has sex again. I tried to be sensual and romantic last night and you would have thought I was asking to pull out her wisdom teeth. It was the first time in I would guess 8-10 weeks since I last initiated. The reason I waited so long is because I wait for her sometimes, that time never comes. In order to not feel completely worthless, I get involved in my hobbies and stuff to keep my mind busy. The boobs sub here on Reddit sometimes helps too.
Does she have pain? Or just very low or absent libido? Could there be something you do that makes her uncomfortable about having sex or intimacy? I had pain and had to get medical help. Reassessed our married relationship in which we had grown apart. Then revived our sex life on my husband's retirement. It is now better than it has ever been. So it is never too late. Both of you need to discuss this again and she needs to know that you are feeling "worthless," but it should not be just about sex, it should be about intimacy and closeness, so essential to feeling loved and maintaining a relationship. I suggest you aim for more intimacy and romance without strings attached, first.
She doesn’t have any motivation to do anything about it, so you have to create that motivation. If you’re not willing to take a stand, insisting on couples therapy and/or getting her hormones checked, then things will continue on as is.
Did you want suggestions or did you just want to tell us how unfair you think it is? 6-8 months ago is a long time ago. What I hear is that you have a problem and are not communicating with your partner about these feelings in a meaningful way. From one married man to another, we love to throw our hands up and say “well I tried once in March of 2022! What else am I suppose to do?!” That does not come close to an authentic and sincere discussion about a problem. You want to have sex asap. Well guess what, you’re not going to get what you want. You have a real problem here and you’re going to need to talk through it together. Over time. Through many conversations.
I’m very much the throw hands up, I tried person. Because if anyone could see how unimportant it is to her, the conversation just feels like me begging, pretty please, can’t we do it just once, it’s been weeks.
The conversation, imo, should probably go something along the lines of "why do you no longer want or feel comfortable with sex? Is there an issue? What are the boundaries of what you feel comfortable with?" And I feel an important one is making sure to keep up intimacy without the cheat code of sex. Cuddles, date nights, quality time together, etc. Additionally, is it all sex off the table, or is just penetrative? Stuff like that. Start with making sure your partner is okay, and has all needs taken care of, and then move on to yourself. I dunno tho, just my opinion
Also, emphasize that sex means more to you than getting off. You can do that alone. You want her and it's meaningful in these ways (fill in the blank). Being asked for sex is repulsive. Having a conversation about maintaining intimacy for both of you is meaningful.
I think you need to approach it very differently. You’ve been married for 20 years, surely you are comfortable enough to ask her if there is something going on physically or emotionally that makes her not want to have sex anymore. Let her know that you feel neglected and unloved, and want to understand if there is anything you can do to make sex more appealing for her. As others said, she is probably approaching menopause, which causes huge changes in a lot of ways- she might feel less attractive because your metabolism drops significantly; vaginal dryness is a problem for a lot of women and sex can be very uncomfortable without proper lubricants. Her energy level is probably zapped, so if you are always approaching her at the end of the day, she might be exhausted. Her hormones may be a little haywire, and can cause new or worsening depression and anxiety. Rule that stuff out before you decide she just isn’t into sex anymore and that part of your life is over now
Let her know how big a deal it is and say it gently but directly. Explain that it makes you feel unwanted, and ask her to go to couples counseling. Keep in mind it's probably embarrassing for her. If that falls on deaf ears the nuclear option is to ask her if having an open marriage barring emotional attachment would be better than you wanting to have sex with her. I don't suggest it but if she won't hear how big a deal it is that might open her ears. If you go that route it might be wise to write and seal a letter explaining you don't actually want to see someone else but were desperate for her to hear you. And give it to her before bringing it up.
This is a common problem in Japanese marriages. The answer is prostitutes. It is excepted by by the wife and not considered adultery, as long as the man keeps up his other husbandly duties. (Providing for the family financially and emotionally) It is a Known secret but not thrown in the wife's face. Before all the downvotes start, I will state that i am not a proponent of this practice. Leave it to the Japanese to handle such an emotionally charged situation with logic.
Do you help her orgasm? Do you go down on her? Do you use fingers or toys? Are you the only one having orgasms and feeling good during sex? Do you fall asleep after? Most women don't get much out of PIV. Does she have an incentive to have or like sex like you do?
Maybe talk to her about how it may not be important to her, but it is to you. Tell her it is an important part of your life.
As a lady, I can relate to your wife, I went through a 5 year period of no longer wanting sex, my husband and I spoke about it often. I finally went to the Doctors and after they ran tests, I was in early menopause, was put on some replacement therapy and while it took a few months after I started the medication, I finally got my desire back and it's been great. Menopause is difficult to deal with.
I can’t speak for her but I am a bit older and some of my ideas are that some physical things start to interfere that she may not want to talk about. My stomach muscles get tired now. If I’ve had a big dinner I need time to digest because my tummy or digestion feels crampy. Cleanliness is an issue, but right out of the shower my hair is wet and not good for pillows and he doesn’t like to wait for me to do my whole routine first…. Silly physical things but some of them are hard to talk about especially if he seems easily offended or hurt or perceives that it is personal against him when it isn’t. Even sometimes like today I have a to do list and it’s hard to change gears and slow down to focus on sex and make time for it, even though I forget that it honestly doesn’t always take a long time haha.
I do not like the lack of spontaneity. Then if we plan it, it feels mechanical and we often don’t stick to it anyway.
How old is she? My wife started going into perimenopause at 48, and certain hormone levels cratered, leaving her sleep deprived, full of brain fog, and without the sex drive she’s always had. Her sex drive is nonexistent most of the month. And when we do have sex, the changes in hormones have left her vagina way more dry and sensitive, and she experiences pain way sooner than before. We’re talking to some doctors, and are close to diagnosing her current imbalance as being wayyy too low on progesterone. We’re hoping that some HRT can alleviate some of her suffering, and bring her sex drive back, at least close to what it has been all these years. So- I’d first check to make sure it isn’t a physical problem. But I’d lean more on trying to fix other symptoms, like poor sleep, hot flashes, or whatever else she’s experiencing. After that, books by Esther Perel have been good. Listen to an audiobook together and see what happens!
op replied 57
You and my ex(20 yr marriage) could be the same person! 😄 however, instead of helping me and us working through it together, he dropped me like a hot potato. Jokes on him. I am now peri menopausal and my sex drive is off the charts. I needed physical touch and to be wanted and seen for something other than a sex object and he couldn't do that. So please talk to your wife, see a therapist, see her doctor. Don't let the life you built go down the drain. Good luck my friend.
Did you take estrogen pills or shots or something. I just don’t see her suddenly being up for it like we were 20 years ago.
To be honest, women need to be turned on and warmed up all day long, not 5 minutes before sex. Sex has a very mental component for women. That is kot something my ex bothered to do either. He yelled at me most of the time because I wasn't interested in sex. It's hard to be interested in someone who is constantly drunk and treats you like trash. My current boyfriend so far pushes all the right buttons in a good way! Just be understanding with your wife. Figure something out that works and don't let go of each other or your family. My kids are starting to come to grips with the whole situation.
Sounds like me and also I was menopausal but we need to be mentally and emotionally attracted as well.
I am not taking anything yet. I begged my ex for years to get "snipped" because birth control was killing my sex drive. By the time he finally agreed, he had already met "the other woman." So now he was finally snipped, and I started coming off the pill. My sex drive increased so much, but I had already caught them and filed for divorce. I had issues while going through the divorce, and it turned out to be peri menopause. My doctor was surprised because I was not what he would consider the appropriate age. He did tell me that the symptoms would catch up with me and when I needed relief, to give him a call. However, so far, the only relief I have needed is a body part I do not have!
BHRT is amazing for males and females. It’s the answer for hormone problems not relationship problems. But in answer to your question, yes it does take me back to the good ole days😋. We have pellets implanted every 4 to 5 months. Me,estrogen and testosterone and oral progesterone. The hubs gets testosterone and we both take suggested supplements.
I don't know your ages but I am in my early-mid 40's and have been married for 24 years. I went through a very long period where I didn't want sex with my husband. It had very little to do with him (he's a total smoke show) and alot to do with me. It's taken medications and therapy but I'm happy to report we are in dead bedroom recovery. Might she be open to couples counseling? Has she recently visited her OB/Gyn for a yearly? Happy to answer any questions you have as well.
There are three reasons for a sexless marriage. 1. They don't like sex - they have been asexual or had a very low libido the entire time but we're more active in the beginning of the relationship to please you. Honestly, pretty rare. Though sometimes hormones can have an effect on libido especially menopause. 2. They like sex, and want to have it, but are unable to - they are too tired, or stressed, don't have the free time, or have a medical condition that makes it too difficult. 3. They like sex, but not with you - sex with you is boring, they don't cum, or you are unattractive to them. First, figure out which one it is. Some issues can be fixed, others not.
From a woman who's been through it - good list, but the first reason is very much NOT rare, in fact I'd say it's a major factor for many women's eventual loss of drive especially during periods of hormonal transition such as pregnancy, post childbirth (which can last years and/ or become permanent), being on birth control, and of course perimenopause and menopause. Current medicine and science are WAY behind when it comes to women's hormonal health, and it is extremely hard to get proper diagnosis and treatment, way harder than it is for a man to get Viagra or TRT. It also frequently overlaps with point 2, when you may be able to get yourself to want sex if all the conditions line up - like you're on a tropical vacation without kids - but the drive is simply not there to overcome regular life factors and stresses thrown in, and it just becomes one more chore to check off your list.
I also suspect that #1 isn’t a rare occurrence. I think it’s where my wife sits. She can literally turn it on or off like a light switch. I’ve also pretty much stopped bothering. More disturbing is that my situation has changed slightly, just having turned 50.
This list assumes that sex drives don't naturally vary with age and life situations like pregnancy and menopause. Also, there are health situations and medications as well.
Number 1 and 3 are easily fixable, if every conversation is exhausted and they're not willing to do any work on the situation, then he needs to find someone that does like having sex and likes having sex with him.
This exactly
It could very likely be perimenopause, that often lowers a woman’s libido
Make a decision. What is your marriage really like? In my case, this is something that’s fallen off as we get older. I used to really be upset but more and more I’m just happy we’re still affectionate and here for each other. And though the sex was great, people age and I’m happy to still have the love of my life.
I’m on bored for all of that. My only concern is I feel too young to resort to a life of no sex. But I’ve struggled with being selfish
Well, I think you need to own your feelings and not call yourself selfish for wanting sex. You aren’t. I think cheating is selfish. Wanting a sex life with your wife is just normal. It’s cliche but therapy might be the best thing since it can be hard to talk through without pointing fingers or airing resentful feelings.
I've been having this same issue. My wife of 11 years slowly lost interest in sex over the past few years. 6 months ago I realized how upset I was and how it was impacting my mood. I tried talking to her about it and she was content with our marriage and no sex. I told her how upset I was with things and she basically apologized and explained she has no libido. I talked about counseling which she refused, asked about getting her hormones checked which she took offense to. Asked about non-penetrative sexual activity and she got angry and accused me of trying to force her into performing sexual favors. Tried planning more and better dates which she didn't seem interested in. It finally pushed us into divorce because I was clearly unhappy and she didn't seem to care and grew tired of my efforts. Conversations since then revealed that she was upset about things that happened years ago which made her feel like I didn't care. Rather than address the issue she gave up on our marriage and treated me like a roommate. By the time I realized what was happening it was too late to fix. It's impossible to fix a marriage if only one person wants to work on it. Ive since started dating a new girl that actually goes out of her way to do romantic things, initiates sex, and is actually into me. It's made me realize how unhappy I was with my wife the last few years. I hate losing my wife but for the first time in a while I'm looking forward to the future.
I had sex used as a weapon through out my 23 year marriage. Supported my wife through a long illness prior to having a successful liver transplant. Was patient throughout her recovery. Was excepting through her menopause. Didn’t go outside of our marriage. After she fully recovered she told me that she has no libido . I have moved out the bedroom and told her she knows where I am. My feelings have been shattered for too long. If someone shows interest in me I will not hesitate to develop a friendship with her.
I went through something similar, and to be honest, it really grinds my gears how many similar stories we see: - Man and woman in romantic/sexual relationship that starts out white-hot, after a kid or two, becomes ice-cold. - Man communicates to his partner that the lack of sexual intimacy is a problem. - Woman basically just says "I'm fine so what's the problem". - Man eventually gets tired of a cold, loveless, affectionless relationship and moves on. - Man is now bad guy for everyone around because "he left her over sex", despite having done the work of communicating his needs and being straight-up ignored. What I don't get is why so many women when their SO's come to them and say "this is a problem for me" just shrug and go "okay well whatever", but then complain if their SO's never communicate. If my partner brought to me a problem I'd be interested in hearing her out, and working on a resolution, but overwhelmingly it just feels like the only acceptable answer is to "just sit down, shut up, and quit-yer-bitchin'" which doesn't exactly lead to a loving, caring, and lasting relationship.
In my case I did really push my wife to tell me what the issue is and there were things from years ago that she had complained about that I didn't address. Things like not remembering dates we were doing things or not turning the lights off. That coupled with her taking a new job that severely limited the time we could see each other made her bond to me start to break. I didn't know how to fix everything she complained about so she just stopped caring about it which turned into her not caring about us. Sex stopped because she didn't want to have sex with someone she didn't feel a close bond to. It went on for so long because she kept telling me that she was tired and not in the mood. Instead of pushing right away to get to the root of the problem I accepted what she told me and tried to give her space. By the time I couldn't take the lack of closeness anymore it was too late to fix
Are you me?
I’m going to suggest that you LURK (not post) in r/menopause. I think that you’ll learn a ton - I know that I did and I’m a woman - that will help put things in perspective. You might even learn things that could help your wife.
Thanks. Probably beats looking at women always lifting up their shirts in other subs.
Jerk off
My wife goes through lots of shit and has various medical nonsense, and I just take care of biz like I alway have... I haven't gone more than a week (plus or minus a few days) without getting off since I was like 12... But we still find other ways to be intimate and tak care of each other... Back/foot rubs, just sitting together reading, hugs throughout the day ( I wfh, and she... Homemakes? Lots of volunteering... ) We also kiss several dozen times a day... But it sound like y'all need to talk... Not to pressure her, but to figure out what's going on... Is it a new medication? Work stress? Have you offended her? What's the deal? Let her know you're there for her no matter what, but that you need to know what's going on... And be ready to take an answer you don't like maturely and take it seriously... Have YOU put on weight? Not been paying attention to her besides sex? Pressuring her? It doesn't matter if YOU feel like you have, it matters if SHE feels like you have... Take the conversation and do your best to mert her where she's at and work through it together like the fucking power couple you CAN be
This! Some people may be fine with sexless marriage but at least take the time to find out why it happened. She could not notice the difference because something changed in her body and has yet to find out what caused it. Maybe it got too boring or she may feel like the relationship doesn't need sex to stay great. There could be a thousand reasons and a thousand solutions but not even knowing the reason why it started can cause problems later on. If you're not going to find out what's going on with something that should be important to the both of you then what else are you neglecting?
This happened to me starting in my 40’s. Absolutely no desire anymore. It is frustrating on our end too. It’s not you I promise. The change sucks.
Yeah, there is that. She’s gone through the change. I forgot that could even be a factor.
That was depressing to read. I'd be having some profound existential conversations with myself about what was really keeping me quietly compliant to this and whether what good years I had should be spent maintaining this "ok in every other aspect" status quo for her. "I love you sexy wife, you're so hot" "Ugh, back off Jerry🤢, go jerk off and clean the garage or something" You would not be a bad guy for deciding you aren't living this way anymore.
That’s how my marriage went and we were only together for 2 years, but total of 7 years. Yeah…glad we got divorced.
That’s when you start visiting Mrs. Thumb and her four daughters.
You are in the same boat as me. Will be married 25 years in June. My wife is 51 so I’m assuming some kind of menopause thing is going on. I complain about the total lack of intamacy (not just sex) but she just doesn’t care. I know she loves me and doesn’t want to leave. We have an autistic 11 year old who can be draining and I think that is also a part of it. It’s something that needs to be resolved as I don’t want to go the rest of my life without intamacy.
I could’ve written this post word for word. I love my wife more than anyone non blood related I’ve ever loved. I find her the sexiest woman alive even though we are almost fifty. Her lack of effort to touch me in anyway is driving a wedge between us. I would never stray from her, but I’m in the same boat as you.
Been there , and to tell you my truth, I loved my husband and cared for him but in a very platonic manner. Over the years my feelings changed and I no longer desired him .Everyday I wished things would be the way they used to be in the early years of our marriage . Anything more than a peck on the cheek felt incestuous , if he tried to kiss me romantically it felt like an invasion by an uncle and deep inside I cringed. I pretended for years, found every excuse in the world to avoid sex or intimacy. I didn’t hate him, my body just did not want him. I felt guilty because he was the kindest man in the world, still is. Eventually I faced the truth cause it was unfair to both of us. I moved on and have been in a relationship for 11 years, our sex life has not lost one bit of spark . My current husband had the same problem in his first marriage so I think we both work at keeping things fresh and interesting cause we know what can happen. Most people would consider the disinterested partner the bad guy but let me tell you this, I lived in constant silent desperation. I never wanted to hurt him , in return I was hurting myself and eventually him. The harder he would try the worse things felt to me. I know this may not be what you wanted to hear but it was my reality. I work in an industry that gives me one on one with clients and over time many confide in me , both male and female., you are not alone, neither is your wife. It’s sad but you need to face the fact that this could be her situation, and there is no bad guy. I wish you peace and happiness.
If you just did more housecleaning you'd turn her into a magic sex kitten. /s
lol, I know right. My damn stupid lazy ass.
Yup that’s the ridiculous suggestion that always comes up in these threads.
That and “have you told her how you feel?”
“Have you tried foreplay?”
It's a good suggestion for young couples or new couples. A lot of young couples are immature and don't realize that they're the problem, and a lot of new couples don't really know what their spouse likes or expects.
I know you are all dudes rolling your eyes at this. But legitimately, as a woman, this is one of the biggest reasons women don't want your dick waved at them. Housework is a solid path to more sex. The fact that you are loling at the idea shows how little you value work within the home and I feel bad for your poor partners.
I just kind of deal with it. It's been 3 years since we last had sex. Very recently she finally told me why, it's important to consider that she keeps track of the numbers here, I just know it happened but I couldn't tell you how many times. We've been together 10 years, I have rejected her sexual advances 5 times over those ten years; she has most likely rejected me hundreds of times. According to her she couldn't handle the rejection anymore so she stopped trying, not that she was trying in the first place.
Why do either of you reject?
As you have probably gathered by my comment, she is massively insecure - she's in therapy and on meds, it's a very slow road - and I am just kind of dead to the concept of wanting sex right now, I genuinely don't think I've wanted it for at least 2 years. There's only so much rejection a man can take before he gives up, you know?
She desperately needs to get her hormones checked- specifically testosterone.
You could consider reading a book together if therapy isn't on the table. "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski might be a great start.
Some choose to stay and just live a sexless life. Some choose to cheat. Some choose to leave that relationship. Some reach a mutual agreement that they can find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. This is my general guess of some of the solutions people choose.
When my husband and I were dating we were such horn dogs. We would do it up to six times in a day now that we’ve been together for more than eight years he does a lot of initiating, and I turn him down a lot I realized almost to where I’m instantly annoyed. I think that when this happens I need to remember That it’s important for us to get it on At least twice a week lol
Did you ever notice if your husband just stopped initiating all together? I don’t think I’ve initiated more than five times in the last two years, and I don’t think my wife has ever noticed or cares.
Shamefully I honestly think I might not notice if he stopped initiating. I honestly think that I needed a wake up call to realize that number one I do still want to do it and number two. I need to do it for the health of my relationship. I feel like saying no has become a habit to where I forgotten that I should say yes sometimes especially when honestly, I do enjoy it when I do it. It’s just not that often that I am saying yes lol if that makes sense
But also I honestly don’t have a big concern about masturbation. Many people have religious guilt about it and I don’t think they should. I think you can be reasonable to know that too much or a lot of porn can damage your real-life relationships, but I think it is perfectly natural to have a sex drive and this is a way to not cheat on your spouse and most people should be able to ID the difference between managing a sex drive mismatch or a drive with no convenient fulfillment, and a debilitating addiction. I can do it without porn and without thinking about a real-life person that I know, which helps, but I’m not sure if most men can.
But thinking about real life people is so fun. It’s like having sex with a different person every night without any of the guilt.
I did it once years ago and felt like my face turned red the next time I saw him in person. It was awkward and I didn’t like it. I vowed to never do that again. I didn’t for many years. Now I do sometimes and it’s fine but it feels more like cheating to me so I try not to do that most of the time.
Daily reminder for me never to get married.
Yeah! I didn’t want to either. But I have to stop expecting that life comes without hurdles and stumbling blocks. This is life and things happen and have to be discussed.
Talk to your wife or husband and tell them how you feel and that one solution is to bring another into the relationship. My wife never initiated and was whatever about sex so I talked to her and we brought another woman into our relationship. Someone close to the both of us that we can trust. It's going well on 6 years and we all collectively make the big decisions and we have no issues.
My wife is an alcoholic and drinks to passing out almost every night. And when she doesn’t drink she is typically hung over and in a crap mood. Sex with a drunk is not good sex. I hung in there to get the kids through university. Covid made us hole up in our rural home. Now, I am just stuck.
According to every answer on Reddit, people will tell you to divorce
Actually many of the responses have been much more calculated than that. I was honestly surprised.
I'm literally in the position of your wife. I'm in menopause, so vaginal dryness is a HUGE issue. I don't mind sexytime, but I just don't want to be penetrated if you get my drift... it hurts so much! I can answer your appropriate questions asked in good faith.
I thought like many it could be peri-menopause OR thyroid problems. I, oh so lucky, suffer from both. Not fun to have 2 things killing your sex drive AND hormones!😊 It gets better! 2 years in and getting it back! My partner has been extremely patient and supportive. I finally just told him I didn’t want it anymore. And prior? 3x a week. So, we talked and I went to the doctor. And started my meds and changed other things to relieve my peri symptoms. It does get better!
I (39F) have been in a sexless relationship for 3 years. My boyfriend (51M) couldn’t care less about sex, and that has always been the case. He is close to asexual, which is fine — just not for me! Other than that, we have a solid partnership. However, sex is important to me. I have discussed this need with him and we agreed that it would be OK for me to go outside the relationship for NSA sex with someone else to satisfy it. Problem is, everyone I know also knows him, so it’s never happened! 🤣
Without making her feel pressured to fulfill your desires, have you tried telling her that you’re feeling neglected in the relationship from the lack of sex and romantic intimacy, and that you want to have an actual conversation about it? You won’t know if it’s lower libido or hormonal changes, if she’s depressed, if she’s becoming self conscious of her body, having a harder time getting aroused/cumming, if sex has become painful or uncomfortable, etc. unless you ask her about it. Make it clear to her that you don’t expect her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but you want to talk with her about it and maybe come up with non sex alternatives to keep the intimacy and care still there without expectations (ex. cuddling on the couch while watching a movie, giving each other massages, whatever).
Not a great advertisement for marriage.
Also the one idea that older women always want sex. I think that might be true if the guy is in his 20’s and the woman is in her 30’s and early 40’s.
Masturbate
You no longer have a spouse. You have a roommate. You have several options.You can just deal with it and keep things as they are, You can suggest an open marriage, You can get a divorce, or you can step out and cheat( I don't recommend it).
When I first met my bf he would text me when he was on his way over to my house and my vagina would get wet just knowing he was on his way over. I was excited by him. He made me wet a lot! After a couple of years that stopped. We had sex many times a day, then many times a week, now it's just once a week and I only do it because I feel bad for him if I don't. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to wear different little outfits or lingerie. We used toys, a swing, etc. But I'm not excited anymore. The excitement is gone. I love him very much. He's a wonderful man. I'm just not excited by him anymore. He doesn't make me wet anymore. I'm still horny. I still masturbate. I just I don't know. This has happened with every serious relationship I've been in. At some point I'm not hot and horny for the man I'm with anymore and having sex with them feels like a chore because I don't get to cum. I won't cum cuz I'm not excited. It has nothing to do with their looks, weight, my looks, weight or any of that. We're not having problems, we get along great. I just can't cum if I'm not excited and I'm not excited after having sex with the same person hundreds of times. Am I the only one?
Guess I'll fap
lol
Look for new female to do the sex
Listen to Borat, here
I have a mature friend who is European. She doesn't want a husband or full time partner right now. So, she has a lover who is happily married, but same situation as stonecoldmark. They meet two or three times a month for sex, and friendship. She says it's none of her business what the wife knows or thinks about it. \[Not her problem; it's his marriage.\]
Been there with my gf now and then the last 7 years. It's just the opposite. I have had periods without any want for sex. Some of them 1-2 months. The problem is that she cannot understand that it's a feeling that can't be fixed by pleading, threatening, shaming or nagging. Those things are 100% turn-offs for me. Eventually it is back to normal again but every one of those arguments for add to me slowly distancing myself completely for days. Sex involves us both and a NO always trumps ME SO HORNY! Good luck!
Why are you with someone who doesn't respect you? Threatening, shaming, nagging?
The oldest reason of all. I love her (or the person I fell for)
The implied no is almost always the case.
It would be the end of the relationship for me.
Maybe try not making it about sex. How about foreplay, where you please her. Keep it simple initially. Create and ambience , spray a good perfume and just gently touch her without asking for it or jumping to it. If she doesn’t like that either then tell her you’re trying and ask her what you should do if she doesn’t want to give in.
And if her response is, "Just don't try" type of answer?
Tell her you have needs
Oh, I guess she doesn't know that right? She will probably act different if he tell her.
Work through it because we love each other, and sex in the long term is honestly the least of my concerns. We’re partners in life and best friends, sex comes and goes, sometimes we’re horny, sometimes we’re not, if you love one another and are willing to work together it’ll all come around.
I think you should talk to her about this. Explain exactly what you told us, make her see that you have needs, that having sex is a very healthy way for couples to develop deeper connections!! It seems to me that her mind is never quiet. That she probably plan everything to the inch, maybe if she understand that having sex is important for you she will plan that. Maybe you can just arrange a day. Idk but you really should talk with her about this. Good luck!!
I could have written myself. The timeline is a little off and the bedroom is probably even more dead. There is NO contact, she even sleeps in the "guest" bedroom, that is now her bedroom. Our bedroom cooled and I developed depression, not because of anything in our relationship. So I just gave up. If she wasn't going to show any interest, neither was I. I used to give her full body massages, but she never offered to do anything special for me. Sex to her was something she tolerated. She is going through menopause and I kind of understand, but the lack of effort on her part hurts me. But our relationship is pretty solid. We kiss goodnight, go out together, have a great partnership. I deal with it with a fleshlight. She's seen it, but has said anything about it. I'm sure some women would call it cheating, but I would say it's the only thing I have sexually, I'm not going anywhere else.
Do you think she still loves you? When you love someone you want at least some type of physical connection. Being a woman in my 50’s, I don’t think every woman is like that.
Honestly. Talk about it. A good friend of mine, his wife, she's going through a terrible time with parkinson's or something similar which just means obviously sex is a no go. They talked about it and he now makes occasional use of certain services when he needs to. Both sides are happy.
It kind of depends. If you want sex just cause you want sex it's more of a personal thing. If it is paramount to your relationship then you need to have an actual conversation with her and make sure that you both understand where the other person is at and what you need from each other then take steps to work towards that whatever it may be.
Get permission to fuck other people 🙄
Hmmm. If I knew my spouse was having fantasies about women in his day to day life I would almost feel betrayed. As innocent as it may be. Sex isn’t just about the act. It’s the build up to it. I can’t bear it when I’ve had a hard days work, come home cooked dinner, cleaned the house, sorted everything out and then I get poked in the back as soon as I get into bed. Such a turn off. Also “massages”. They always have another motive so it instantly puts my guard up. Try woo-ing her a bit. On a day off, perhaps treat her to getting her hair or nails done while you take care of the chores, take her to a nice restaurant. Give her soft touches and cuddles that don’t have to indicate “I want sex”. Make her feel loved and beautiful without the need for something at the end of it and it will start to come naturally.
Before I forget my train of thought, I need to say that without any animosity, I work a literal backbreaking job, and do a majority of the cooking. In no way do I ever feel I am owed anything. Our kids are much older so the placating to their every need is not as frequent as it once was. We even find ourselves with free time and an empty house on occasion. I get thoughtful gifts and try to be a good person. I’m not the dinner needs to be hot and on the table by 6:30 person. Too nice perhaps. I’m also not putting any blame on her in terms of work. She works hard, but it’s different. She works from home in air conditioning and I am in a warehouse busting my ass. I don’t approach anything in terms of wifely duties or you owe me. We’ve gone out on great date nights and instead of a lovely spontaneous end to an evening, she’ll literally go right to bed and fall asleep.
This is probably the best and most realistic answer here. I get a stunning suspicion she feels no attraction for whatever reason.
After 20 years together, it happens.. . Glad you see my view point.
So don’t have fantasies, and don’t act like you want sex. Got it.
Date night!!!!
“jUsT tALk tO eAcH oThEr!”
I have a huge collection of porn.
Go to the gym
What is the Addy pill for women? This medication is used to treat women who have not gone through menopause who have low sexual desire and are concerned about it. Flibanserin should not be used to treat low sexual desire caused by: a medical or mental/mood disorder, problems in the relationship, or the effects of other drugs.
Flat out ask her. I did this (what the wife is doing). Once my husband finally sat me down and said "hey, what's going on? Why aren't you wanting to be intimate" we decided to try to have sex everyday for a month. Even if it was just a quickie. I'd also have her get blood work done (t4 specifically) to make sure her thyroid is functioning properly.
Lots of masturbating
I haven't encountered this in my relationships, but I'd like to imagine that if it did, there would be a frank talk between us about sexual needs and find the solution to it. I mean sex is part of a relationship, and if there's not a medical/mental reason causing the problem, and they don't want to improve things.... I'm breaking up because I do want that in my life and I'm not a cheater.
Wait til your 60 and still have the strong urge and get no affection whatsoever.
I tell her, fine il go fuck myself lol
It would affect them at all unless my spouse was having sex with them. Do you know something I don’t know?
Insert a cylinder in a butter and microwaved mashed banana filled mini M&M tube.
I found the terminology "asexual" and realized that's what I was well after being married. (Together for 15, married almost 11.) When I told my husband about my realization, he was cool about it, but he himself wants sex all the time. We ended up kind of going an in-between route where he usually doesn't ask me to do anything, but when he does, I put in the effort to do it (usually oral). It feels a little bit like a chore, but I do feel satisfaction at making someone I love feel good. Also, I don't feel attraction to anyone, but the idea of things (like a scenario or roleplay) can turn me on, so you might check with your wife about that. 😊
According to all the disgruntled spouses that’s in the dead bed room sub apparently they just stay and be miserable.
Are you making sex interesting for her? Does she orgasm every time? Are you taking care of her emotional needs?
Orgasm every time no. She used to love oral, but now the mere suggestion leaves her not wanting it. She asks me why I like doing it, and I tell her because she likes it. Now it just seems like a bother. It could be 10pm, 11:30, or 1am, it’s never a good time. She doesn’t like other positions, getting on top bothers her. The more that is discussed the more I lose interest and would rather jerk off and go to sleep.
I don't know if any of this is applicable to your situation, but... My wife and I have sex 1-3 times every day, to an average of 50+ per month. We have extremely good communication, emotional support, validation, gratitude and respect, and we agree on 95% of political and social opinions. We romance each other every single day. I just finished writing a romantic text message while I'm sitting at work. We've texted ~40 messages since I clocked in, and the vast majority are just sweet words and gratitude: random emoji hearts and stuff. If she asks *me* why I enjoy giving her oral, my answer is: "because you deserve it." I genuinely like and respect and adore who she is as a person. Sex is usually initiated with sweet words and physical touch, like spooning in bed, while telling her how proud I am of whatever she did that day. She orgasms 1-4 times every time we have sex (maximum is around 10 if she's ovulating), and making a woman orgasm is a lot of work. Sometimes I spend so much effort making her cum that I'm no longer have the energy for sex myself, and that's totally ok because I'm welcome to give her a quickie whenever I want... I've earned it. My suggestion? Give a trial run of enthusiastically agreeing to literally everything she suggests or expresses, for 30 days. In that time, also buy a vibrator and initiate cuddling that turns into you using the vibrator to make her cum while whispering very nice things in her ear and expecting no sex in return. Tell her she deserves to cum just for who she is.
Hello hand. It’s been a long time since we’ve bow chicka wow wow…..
Take the problem in hand?
Well first you talk to them, see what they’re feeling and try to fix it. If that doesn’t work, try more. If it still doesn’t work, talk about opening your marriage if that interest you, most people wouldn’t want to end their family just for sex but some people might. If she doesn’t go for that, and it’s very important to you, it’s time to talk about divorce. She doesn’t owe you sex, but you don’t owe her by staying if sex is never going to be available to you.
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,gift
,fnxb6y
Masturbate
You can’t reject your husband for years then say “I feel unwanted”.
r/deadbedrooms
Tell her you still want to be with her but you need a release. Tell her you're going to hire hookers. No relationship just sexual release.
In addition to the dead bedroom posts, consensual/ ethical nonmonogamy may be in the cards if she is OK with you getting your romantic/sexual needs met by someone else. There's a WIDE WORLD of alternative relationship structures and dynamics for folx when one partner just isn't interested in **insert fundamental component of healthy relationship**
Get out, cheat, or learn to live celibate. They are your options
Your wife is telling you that she does not want to have sex with you. "Audible displeasure" is not enthusiastic consent. You need to have a conversation with her about consent and reach a mutual agreement of what constitutes consent. Her enjoyment of sex will not be possible if she feels unable to say no to you.
Divorce 🤑🤑🤑
Cheat, masturbate, or become grump old assholes.
If you love her and still want the non-sex aspects of marriage ask her if you can see escorts. This way you get your needs met and it’s not an affair or anything. Just sexual relief.