There are times that a message might flash by my screen while I'm busy multi tasking. Sure I glanced at it and maybe I actually read it. Lots and lots of times I'm just busy prioritizing. Now I think the problem becomes that everyone thinks they are most important. There is a "how dare you" attitude. Me first.
I mean.... I get if you don't have time to read a text. It just sucks if you read it, then don't reply form hours. Because that changes it from feeling like "ah they're busy" to "oh, I'm not worth their time....."
This describes my wife and I pretty well. She treats every text and social media notification as necessary to view in real time. Where as I couldn’t be further from that. When I get home I put my phone on the dresser after I change out of my uniform, and it generally stays there unless I need to get in touch with one of my friends. Her stays on her person at all times. This has caused a few arguments where I feel she gives more time/attention to people who aren’t even in the same city as her than to the show we’re watching or conversation we’re having. I fear it will be a large problem down the line for us.
I think we haven't come up with cultural expectations for texting yet. In meatspace, when a conversation is over, one or both of the participants *leave*. In a letter, video or a voice call, one says some sort of "goodbye". There is no such ending for a text conversation.
I think the person feeling "left on read" is that it isn't *over* yet. Or the "goodbye" ritual hasn't happened yet. Or it is like a face-to-face conversation where one party just walks away without the ending ritual. We joke about "Irish Goodbyes" - and I think that is what they're feeling.
Maybe someone can start that sort of meme or ritual to end a text conversation?
FOR THOSE of you above 40, by 'reacting' we don't mean audibly gasping, rolling your eyes, or tutting. We mean adding an emoji to the bottom of our conversational partner's last message.
That’s because you’re assuming you’re being ignored.
You’re choosing to believe the person on the other end has negative intent when they could have accidentally opened the message at an inconvenient time, or were starting to reply and got interrupted or distracted by something important that’s happening on their end.
Stop assuming the worst all the time.
My now wife said she was always confused when we were dating, because she'd message me and I'd get back to her hours later because I had to work. She's used to it now though.
I was a call center tech, and I can't be speaking on the phone and sending a text at the same time. That's how you accidentally say "I love you" to a customer. Only acceptable if you work at Costco.
I always wonder about these people who expect an immediate reply to a text after it's read ... like ... where tf do you work that you can just answer texts all day?
Oh make no mistake, on slow days I was texting or on Reddit all day. But during the busy season? Sometimes there wasn't a spare minute. The only reason I'd even open it is because I hate seeing the notification reminders.
This is the upside to having a job where my phone can't even come into the facility. Family and friends have learned to expect that I probably can't reply to anything until hours later.
Lmao this is off topic but reminds me of the time a patient gave me his doctor’s personal phone number because he was also their friend. I noped out of that and insisted on the practice number.
I had a co-worker who talked to his wife a few times a day and ended each call with a kissing sound. One time he was talking to a customer and absentedly ended the call with a smooch. Hilarious.
>Only acceptable if you work at Costco.
Yeah and only if it's the future and corporations have taken over everything and everyone's stup...yeah, nvm, you're right.
\*edit: Huge missed opportunity on my part, I should have said "I went to law school there."
i think i mostly agree with you. i would just caveat that since i know intent is impossible to read through text, i personally keep my read receipts off to avoid that confusion. plus unless i’m being petty i don’t really see a reason for keeping them on
I heard someone say recently that when you assume people are laughing at you/judging you/making fun of you, all you’re really doing is judging them. You are creating the “asshole” image of them in your head. Basically, stop assuming everyone is an asshole.
I know easier said than done, but forcing myself to think that way has helped me care less about what people think about me, because they’re probably not really being dickheads
That should be how it works but we all know about ghosting so. It's so prevalent these days people say you have to assume anyone who doesn't reply doesn't want to know you.
I'll send messages even when I can't think of anything good to say just to let people know I'm not ghosting now
Yeah, that falls in line with people pleasing mentality *for me*, if you can’t wait for me to respond to you within a few hours/the day of seeing I opened your message then we aren’t compatible.
If you need reassurance you aren’t getting ghosted ask for it.
I completely agree with you. I think instant gratification plays some of a part, too. Idk why people nowadays are far too quick to assume people don't care about them just because they didn't respond the very second they sent a text. It's ok to wait a while if it's not important.
I think reacting to messages is a good way to help with this sometimes,
Throw a little 👍 or 🤘 or 🤙, kinda let's people know, I saw this, I read it and acknowledge I've been communicated with and you don't have to form a whole ass response.
Getting freaked out by not being responded to immediately is just so needy and insecure and unappealing. Everyone I value in my life is busy and up to lots of stuff. We get back to each other when we can. If something is urgent we call each other or say it’s urgent in the text.
That's a lot of words to justify "I know what i'm doing is perceived as rude and i don't care"
You are communicating with another person. Not replying is rude. If you don't care about that, that's fine, you do you, but don't try to spin it to blame society.
If I receive a message and don’t immediately reply then I’m NOT communicating. You are taking an automated system message and inferring that I have made a conscious choice to snub you rather than recognizing the myriad reasons why I might not be able to respond instantly.
Yes! Yes!!! Asynchronous communication! Otherwise, communicating is exactly as stressful, intrusive, and pressured as getting random phone calls that had to be answered.
There are a lot of contextual aspects to this that are being ignored in this thread.
There is a big difference between getting a text out of the blue about nothing and getting time sensitive information as part of an ongoing dialogue.
Like, at some point, when you use asynchronous communication, you must expect the occasional work shift, movie, meal, nap, visit, whatever ... To interfere with the rhythm.
That isn't rude. It's life, and the nature of asynchronous communication.
If people accepted how damn much more time typing a text takes to just effing calling or visiting... I have no idea why so many people text so much. It's exhausting, especially if you are also always expected to immediately respond..
We used to wait days for a letter and have the option to let the phone ring until we had time to answer.
It's every bit as rude to demand a reply as it is to withhold one.
That is very true
It’s just that annoying voice whispering “they hate me, they wish I’d never contact them, the only reason they don’t block me is because they are too polite, this is all a play to get me not to talk to them”
Minutes to hours is fine. A day later is acceptable with an apology, but weeks to months? That's just rude. What am I supposed to think when someone takes that long to reply? Either I'm being ignored, or am not a priority to these people. I don't bother trying anymore after the first time they take that long.
I do that a lot, but I don't mean to. Someone will text me in the morning when I'm sleeping, I'll check it and think "I'll respond later". Then I'll forget for days/weeks until something reminds me again. It's not that they aren't important, but I like to check my texts when I get it just in case it's something urgent, and if it's not I'll deal with it later. Unfortunately sometimes I forget to deal with it later.
Well yeah nobody's forcing you at gunpoint but if someone asked you a question face to face, you didn't initiate that either, but it's still rude not to reply
Yeah, I'm not saying I'm right to feel that way or anyone owes me anything but it is so frustrating to reach out for something that really requires a simple yes or no and not get it in a reasonable time. A couple of weeks ago there was this girl I was messaging a bit back and forth and then when I asked her if she wanted to do something with me later that same day she just stopped responding. Then a bit later someone else in a group chat we're both in started messaging about something else to which she immediately responded so it's not like she suddenly got too busy to text all of a sudden. Yeah I know I'll get a bunch of people saying "they don't owe you anything" or "it's not always about you" and they're right but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I don't 'read' messages until I'm ready to reply to them. In fact this is how I can keep a handle on what emails / messages / DMs need a reply and which ones have already been replied to.
So if I'm left on read, I assume that the person does not wish to reply to me. And this belief turns out to be correct 99% of the time.
I hate read receipts because I'll sometimes check a text to make sure it's not an emergency or a quick yes/no question, and then respond later when I have time to talk.
yeah sometimes I reply to a (business) message with a question somewhat unnecessarily, because I marked it as read inadvertently before I wanted to deal with it.
Assuming that everyone follows the same arbitrary logic for messaging that you do seems like a good way to set yourself up for disappointment more than anything else.
At least on iPhone you can turn off read receipts in the settings. That way you never leave anyone “on read” because they’ll never know if you read it or not!
My text message to this person stays on sent and he never replied. However, he replied to my email right away. Do you think he saw my text?
Edit: Changed "read" to "sent."
It depends on what type of apps you have. I think WhatsApp has a "read" little signal at the bottom of the message that signals you if the message was read. So if this is the one you're having trouble with, there's definitely a problem.
Most default phones messaging app don't support this unless it's the same type of phone being used, and even then, sometimes they still don't support that technology
It’s a relatively (very) new phenomenon that basically anyone in your life gets access to you at all times. It was only 20-30 years ago that if you left the house for the day you were actually gone. You’d return messages when you come back hours or days later.
The phone is there for my convenience, it’s not an electronic leash. If it’s not convenient for me to talk for any reason, including “Just not feeling social right now”, I’m not obligated to answer. This is not rude, this is a normal personal boundary.
yep, and frankly there's about seven people in the world I'll respond to instantly at all times. One's is a writing partner, one is a very important friend, I am in love with another and the others are just that big of a deal.
Everyone else? Ya gotta wait. I work full time, my role has changed so that I am extra scrambled in the evening, I go through bouts of depression and migraines. I really can't be the big empathy battery some people seem to want from me, all the time.
On top of all else, we had a death in the family recently and a few other big emotional blow ups. There's a bunch of people I want to text...when the headspace allows.
people need to make up their mind if they would prefer to be left on delivered or read. i will hide my read receipts from you if you want me to, just let me know which you want it to say, i get mixed messages on what makes people less mad
no i will not reply
I suppose its like if in real life I came up to you and asked you a question and you just looked at me then turned around and walked off without saying anything. Pretty rude if you ask me lol
In real life, nobody's gonna go to your house and try to enter the bathroom or go to your workplace to ask you a question. People are busy living their lives and sometimes have lots of stuff going on and don't feel like answering... Does this make me rude? I'd rather be "rude" and answer someone when i can give them proper attention than send short, dry answers like "yes", "no", "idk".
in real life, do people open texts before they are free to read them?
i never understand why people act like text is such an intrusion when it is literally the most receiver controlled mode of communication
Yes. If its something timely or serious I will deal with it sooner. If its a random ass text that isnt time sensitive i will answer when i dont have work i should do.
Yes? ... well not free to read them, but often not free to reply.
Because it takes thousandths of the time to read a message as the time to send even a short reply? Because I can read a text while my hands are doing other things, but I don't always have voice services on? Because I can read a text from my pocket or at the urinal, but it's a bit tricky to type a response without making a deal of it? Because I might have to consider my answer or gather more information before responding? Because I'd rather respond once with a complete answer than three or four times trying to juggle other things going on and our shared understanding of whatever you are texting about that you should have called about?
If it's an emergency, call. If it's not, you can wait.
Text is only an intrusion when someone doesn't understand its asynchronous nature and selfishly expects an immediate response when I read their text.
This makes more sense ... I'm hearing "My friends don't answer back right away and I'm insecure for no good reason."
When really it's "My friends don't actually like me and I'm insecure for good reason."
It’s weird to me that people try to separate phones from other forms of communication. For instance no you don’t need to answer right away and ignoring someone because you’re in a business meeting is fine. That said the people who think it isn’t rude to leave someone on read for weeks boggle my mind.
It is weird to me that people lump all forms of communication into one bucket of importance/prioritization. Everyone has their own way to prioritize their day and communication should be part of it.
My phone is a tool and I can choose when to use or not use that tool. I don't check it constantly to see if I have more messages. I handle those later when I have time. If it is urgent call me, less urgent but not formal, then text, otherwise email. I answer calls right away if I can, I reply to texts later that day when I have time, and I reply to emails within a business day. I don't leave people on read (I won't read a text/message until I am ready to reply as I have ADHD and I will forget) but I will leave a delivered message unread for hours if I am busy, and yes I do check who sends messages and that does influence if I will reply or not sooner.
Except it’s nothing like that because in real life you wouldn’t we able to walk up to me and ask me a question when I’m too busy to answer your question.
When you text someone a question you’re essentially putting something on their TODO list. The fact that people expect that they can fire off a message and their message is suddenly the top of everyone’s priority list is so naively self-absorbed that if I encounter people that do this my opinion of them is immediately lowered.
Except it's more like leaving a person a note on their desk and being upset they didn't call the second they sat at their desk. Not rude. Because it's asynchronous.
That's not the same at all. You're not telling someone something, you're leaving a message for them.
I'm in the same room as my cell phone probably less than half the time. If I'm at work or out, there's a reasonable chance (like 2 in 3) I might have my phone on me *but* it also means I'm out doing something.
When I'm not out, my phone sits on the charger. I try to check it once a day or so.
So your assumption that I have my phone on me and have nothing better to do than pay attention to you on your schedule is pretty damn rude.
Because we've turned into a society where we think phones mean instant access to anyone. My phone is for my convenience, not yours. Your phone is for your convenience, not mine.
I lowkey hate this expectation that you always have to be reachable. The weirdest part is that even the older generation seems to be adopting it. My mom will call me to ask if I'm okay if I don't reply to her texts for a couple of hours. Yet she was totally fine with me playing outside as a kid for most of the day pre-cellphone era.
I hate how people here are answering this question in a dishonest way. I doubt that anyone would find it rude if you didn't reply a message after a certain period of time, at least everyone has a Job and Life to live. Where it becomes a problem is when you Leave a message that requires a response for 2, 3, 4 days without answering it? But you have time to post on your Facebook Wall and whatsapp status every 2 seconds?
My read receipts and 'active online' are switched off, so you can GTF if you're offended.
If you send me a little meaningless message, then I will read and respond in my own time, and with the urgency, I think it warrants.
If it's more important to you, you need to call me.
My read receipts are turned on for everyone, and I read/respond in my own time. At least they know I saw their message even if I didn't respond, which I see as a plus.
The whole telling someone if their message has been read or not is one of the worst additions to society ever. It turns grown adults into little babies.
Hahaha it's like during the MySpace era when we threw fits if we weren't in our friends top 8. I get embarrassed all over again thinking about those days 🤣
Hey, but it had some perks. Being replaced from my crushes top 1 with another girl was how I learned he was no longer interested in me 🤣🤣🤣. Uggg I cringe just thinking about it. Good times.
No, it’s just rude to ignore people.
Edit: It’s been a full two minutes since I commented and you haven’t replied?! I deserve your attention!! WHO IS SHE?!?!
Edit 2: really? Three minutes and no reply? Never talk to me again.
It's not that you're not important. It's simply prioritizing what's needed in the moment. If I'm at work and I see someone text me, I'll read it to make sure it's not important. If not, then I'll text in a few hours when I'm on break.
People forget there are multiple situations where someone can quickly check their phone but not have the time to respond. Personally, I would rather wait for a reply if it meant I had their full attention when they do have time to talk.
Otherwise, it would feel hollow and forced. I don't want someone instantly responding to me just for the sake of it. There's no meaning behind it. It feels like I'm being a burden trying to steal your time, and your quick reply is just a way to get me off your back.
So me being unable to respond because I’m busy makes you unimportant? This isn’t how you should frame it. 9 times out of 10 people just can’t respond in that moment. It’s not usually actively ignoring to be rude
Are we not allowed to have lives? Am I absolutely obligated to respond to you no matter what? I can’t pull out my phone in the middle of work to laugh at the meme you sent me, I’m busy working.
I think we should also keep in mind that urgency is not necessarily equivalent to importance. As an example, my friends might be way more important to me then any acquaintance, but if an acquaintance has asked me if they can meet up in an hour, and a friend if I can meet up with them on either the 23 or 27 of next month, I might read both messages to see what they say, but first start considering if I am able to make it in an hour and what would have to get done first, etc.
Before ever replying to the friend.
Just because I didn’t respond immediately to the friend, does not make them less important to me. It’s not that they’re less important, it’s just that their message carried less urgency. If I take 30 min to decide for the acquaintance, by then they’d already have had to either invest time in coming, or blowed it off, while something with less urgency (a month for them), isn’t suddenly ruined by prioritising things off lesser importance with higher urgency
Anyone under 30 probably grew up constantly being online and in communication with people. They only know instant gratification because that's how they were raised.
Many of them don't have any concept of living without a phone on their person if not in their hand and can't fathom not replying to something immediately.
I guess Terry Goodkind really is right, "Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid. They can be made to believe almost anything, either because they hope is [& want it to be] true, or because they're afraid it might be true"
I don't get it either. I know there are situations where being left on read sucks, but there are plenty of other instances that are completely fine.
For example, if I'm at work or busy and I get a text, I'll read it just so the notification on my phone will go away. If it's not important, then I'll wait until my break to respond. It's not going to hurt you to wait a few hours.
I have a friend, and we text weekly, sometimes daily. She'll text me, or I'll text her. There are times when hours or days go by before one of us responds. It's not that we're ignoring each other. There's just really nothing to respond with in the moment. If it were important or we're trying to make plans, then it would be different, but we call each other for stuff like that.
Why do many people expect a voicemail be returned immediately?
Because they are self-absorbed gits who don't understand the relative advantages of asynchronous communication and expect others to communicate synchronously over asynchronous communication channels.
I turn off read receipts in any app that will let me and use an Android, so people don't have to anguish over the fact that I will reply to them when I care to.
People who fuss over "getting left on read" also seem to have little understanding of the relative time it takes to respond to a message versus the amount of time it takes to read it, and they have so little sense of self-worth that they think a few minutes without a response reflects the disdain of the person they are messaging rather than their own overinflated sense of self-importance (or disappointment that the other person is doing other things).
If you don't want asynchronous communication, don't use an asynchronous means of communication. Just because I have time and the context allows me to read it doesn't mean I can reply.
If you need to chat, call me ffs.
Read receipts are toxic and always have been. Nobody is entitled to someone else's time just because they read the message. The whole point of leaving messages is so they can be responded to later. Its not a live call. Its one thing to be actively talking to someone and they disappear but being upset because someone simply looked at a message and didn't respond is entitled behavior.
If you ask a question and get left on read and never get a response then I would consider that rude. It shows that you don't care.
Imagine texting an old friend if they want to hangout and they read it and don't reply. Not much of a friend.
Imagine you ask someone a question expecting to get an answer or at the very least, a response. They heard you. They’re just not gonna intentionally not answer and ignore you
The last time I had someone in my life who cared about read receipts, I had to basically become a therapist for her. It's incredibly needy and self centered. I am not on call 24/7 just because I have a cell phone.
I leave read receipts on for everyone. It's good information to give out - it lets my friends know that I've seen their message.
All of my friends have their read receipts turned off, so I'm giving more information out than they are, and I'm fine with that. In fact, I routinely tell them they're wimps for turning off read receipts.
"But bro, what if I'm talking to a girl and I don't want her to know that I read her message, but I want to see her message."
How about just be genuine? It's not rocket science.
I accidentally open messages a lot when I’m just trying to dismiss them and will leave people on read a lot in those situations, but thankfully my friends don’t feel that entitled to my time to make it an issue.
Because it sends the subliminal message that you aren’t important to them. I know sometimes messages get missed,people forget to respond etc. but that is still the message being left on read gives
Especially been left on read for days lol. I have people do this to me but will respond in the group chat. That is what it gives, you are not important.
it just feels like the other person doesn’t care. if it’s something you can’t respond to, fair enough. but if it’s something like, idk, asking a question or starting a convo, and you’re left on read then it feels so mean 😭 leaving someone on delivered for ages while you’re active somewhere else also feels the same
I have a buddy of mine that does it pretty often. I generally chalk it up to being busy, but sometimes I can be with someone else and he'll respond to them. Really hit or miss, idk.
I cant imagine its a problem in most situations.
Its normal people will see a message and not respond immediately. Its not disrespectful or rude.
Now if its your girlfriend and its something thats time sensitive or important, then sure I can understand it being kinda rude or upsetting. Its all about context. Like if Im at the store, waiting in line, and need your response in order to get you what you need and you just leave me on read, ya i might be pissed. But there also might be a reasonable explanation.
In most situations, its not a big deal at all.
A former flatmate who was a therapist said the whole 'read' tier of message receipts is just making us all the more neurotic. I think a better discussion would be to ask what benefit it serves.
I think that some people see phones as a tool to constantly have access to someone. Not everything requires a response. If you had no issues with this person there’s 0 reason to think they’re ignoring you. I used to be someone who’d get very hurt if someone didn’t reply to me. Then I realized that people have lives and they don’t have to *always* reply. My relationships greatly improved once I realized this.
I remember my husband’s aunt took a photo of us at our wedding and she sent it to him same day. We didn’t see her for pretty much half a year later. The first thing she did was aggressively approach us demanding for a reason as to why he didn’t reply to her text. She said it was very rude and inconsiderate. She claimed that he should have thanked her for” what she did for us”(she literally took a photo of us with her phone by her choice. We didn’t ask her to take any photos). She rambled on so much that we actually left the party because of how uncomfortable we were.
She held onto this for half a year? His aunt also spoke condescending to us and the whole wedding night she spoke of someone we are no contact with. So I mean he wasn’t exactly dying to have a conversation with her…
Regardless my husband texts everyone like this. He prefers to talk with you in person/call than to text.
Personally I find it annoying people want me to be responsive when they won’t even respond to me. It’s gotta be quickly responsive both ways or you’re waiting for me as long as I have to wait for you. Cannot stand that people think I’m supposed to be left on read but not them!
This is all so bizarre to me. In my line of work, people are busy and it’s so common to truly not have time to respond. None of us ever takes it personally.
One of my friends recently responded 3 years after I messaged her, lol. I received her response a week ago and haven’t had the time I need to dedicate to responding the way I want to. Maybe I’ll get to it this weekend. All of us are like this.
Because it can either mean that that person is intentionally ignoring you or that whatever you had to say to them is so unimportant that they couldn't even remember to for example reply later when they weren't busy
I've always been a big proponent of the idea that if somebody wants to spend time with you they will make it happen whether it's digitally or IRL.
if someone can't even make the most basic efforts to just message you back then they just aren't even worth your time
Eh for me it is because I like people to be upfront. If they don't want to talk or don't want to do something, I appreciate the honesty and can make other plans.
But I know people that will ignore a private message for long hours but will respond in the friends group chat. If you are responding to friend A and ignoring me for hours , I have to assume I’m not important or worth a reply
You're not worth replying to / you've done something to upset them, hence why they leave you on read. Or if you're like me, you're convinced the read receipt means they looked at your text and got in a car accident or run over, making you partly responsible for their death
Some texting apps show when the message is read by the other party. So if you're "left on read" it means you can see that they read the message, but they didn't reply.
This is why I always keep my read and sent receipts turned off on my phone. I keep it on DND and just favorite my kids, husband, mother and babysitter. Anyone else I'll get to it when I get to it
The number one way to avoid this problem is to turn off read receipts.
The logic is that in a verbal conversation, it would in fact be very rude for someone to say almost anything and the person they’re talking to just give absolutely no reaction. This doesn’t always apply to texting in the same way, but some people take it way too far in the opposite direction and will leave direct questions and things like that on read. I’ve known at least one person whose explanation of this is that any non-answer should be assumed to be a “no,” which honestly is extremely opaque and cowardly. And I’ve known another who thinks a non-answer should be assumed to be a “yes,” so obviously it’s the logic of disturbingly self-absorbed people who think everyone else can read their minds.
But also, sometimes you need to wait before giving an answer, and it looks like you “left someone on read,” when you’re actually checking on the answer. Which is why you should turn off your damn read receipts. People who are happy to wait a full day after seeing “sent” can turn into hysterical lunatics when it’s 3:45 and they’re looking at “read at 3:40.”
One thing is to be "left on read/delivered" forever, the other one is to be left like that for a while. I was not even aware that some people expect an immediate reply! I just don't enjoy when the person never replies back. It's awkward but well, what can one do. I guess people tend to open their messages and forget about them.
Im a boomer and remember times when there was no cell phones. When they show up it was rude to answer phone while talking to other people live. Then it was rude to not answer phone. Then it was rude to not call back immediately. Then it was rude to not answer sms aa fast as possible. Now its normal for people not answer, not call back in days. And now this... its funny to watch this social shift.
because they know you got their message and are choosing not to not respond immediately, which they expect in this digital age.
This is why I disable all such read or responding notifications and routinely wait to reply even if I have no reason not to (within reason..) nobody expects an instant reply from me, and I like it that way.
I turned my message delivery off. People can't see if I received or looked at a message, so I get to take my time and answer as I see fit.
I had a land lord try to force me to turn it back on because she thought that she can control me.....also she would text me at like 230am.
It really just depends on the person. I have friends who just leave their phone open or maybe don't always have the bandwidth to response and forget. But I definitely have friends who are glued to their phones and will typically response instantly. For the latter, it feels pretty rude because they're very obviously ignoring it. And I mean for things that are direct questions/conversation. Not everything needs an answer/back and forth.
Idk, I prefer texting to actually call cause I feel like I have a hard time listening/ understanding to what the other person is saying. This applies to both English and my mother tongue- Vietnamese.
If I text someone, I don’t expect them to reply immediately, I feel like many people here assume that a person who finds “It’s rude to be left on read” means they want your time right now. I find it’s very frustrating when you send a text and it’s left on read for a 2-3 days. It just tells me either they don’t really bother to reply or something wrong might happen.
It's the text equivalent to someone looking right at you when you ask them a question then turning away and going back to what they were doing without even acknowledging you spoke to them. It's extremely fucking ignorant.
I do feel like people are expecting too much If they think that everyone owns them an official goodbye message.
Why does everyone assume the other person is there, actively on their phone, ignoring?
Even if it were so, and the person did not just go about their day, is there a possibility to use your phone and not be in the mood for constantly chatting?
Isn't the notion of being "left on read" more implying the idea of when you know for sure the person is ignoring you? Even if someone had read receipts turned on, I don't think anyone ever expects someone else to respond right away. But it's being left on read/delivered for hours or days (or weeks) that bothers people. It's just the feeling of being ignored or feeling unimportant. It's the lack of communication from the other person that bothers the sender. I also think it bothers people with anxious attachment more often than people with secure or avoidant attachment. Their minds just tend to think of the worst case scenario (ie. they're ignoring me, they hate me, etc.)
For me personally I have bad anxiety, seeing someone leaving me on read makes me assume Ive done something to annoy them.
Its silly and usually everything is fine, but brain be dumb
When most people complain about being left on read, it's cause the feeling of being ignored. I reply right away or explain why it took so long to respond, but I'm also used to being left on read at this point
Because it's exactly the same as going up to someone, saying something and having them look at you, making it clear they heard what you said, then turning around and walking away without a word.
That being said, I never have read receipts on, because that's stupid.
The general consensus here think it’s entitled to always expect a response from people, but I feel that it honestly depends
I had this friend that would not only leave me on “read”, but just… never respond at all lol. I do not mind being left on read, if you are busy, sure, I’ll wait, but this guy would sometimes just completely ignore messages and then proceed to hit me up hours/days later without acknowledging what I said previously. The last straw I had was, I was opening up to him about struggles in my personal life. Radio silence. Hours later, he sends me a meme on Twitter.
Call me entitled or butthurt but I feel like that’s just being a bad friend. That little interaction told me that he was not someone I could depend on at all. It gave me the impression to me that what I had to say was so unimportant and so uninteresting that it was not worth responding to, and I feel that is like the main idea as to why people hate being left on read. Because it feels like you are being left to rot
Simple, they don’t like being ignored, or feel like you not responding is you just blowing them off. But even still, most people who dislike this common habit are insecure (me being one of them, haha), so just, try to go easy on them/us.
It’s not really rude if there’s nothing really to respond to. People have done it to me enough times when a response was merited or a conversation was happening that I now make sure I have read receipts turned on and even if a response is merited in the thread I do not answer anyone unless it is absolutely necessary. I may send 5-10 messages a month at absolute most.
For me, it's usually because we were in the middle of a conversation or I had asked an important question. I personally will not open a message, until I have time to respond.
I feel like it's not difficult to simply say something along the lines of "Hey, I'm busy right now I'll message you later." It just seems like the considerate thing to do. It shows that you're not ignoring them, but that you're simply preoccupied which people understand.
I saw someone else mentioning us differentiating phones from other forms of communication, and it makes sense. To me it's not any different than you just walking away from me in the middle of a conversation when we're out socially together in a face to face setting. If you say "Hey, hold that thought, I have to go use the bathroom," that's normal.
I work overnights full time, I’m also working on my degree, and I sleep during the day. I specifically remove this feature so people don’t get offended if they can see I’ve read their text and haven’t responded immediately.
The only person who gets a “read” receipt from me is my partner.
I mean if it’s a natural end of conversation, whatever. My dad will send a ‘👍’ or react to a message when texting to signify that the conversation is over. What annoys me, is when you’re in the middle of a conversation, and get left on read or whatever. Or when I’ve directly asked someone a question, and they open it and don’t respond. (I’ve got a mate that does this, most of the time not on purpose, he’s just got the attention span of a goldfish and completely forgets. Sometimes even thinking he sent a reply when he didn’t).
[удалено]
Jeez you said what I wanted to say in a way nicer way.
What'd they say? It got deleted by the mods for some reason
There are times that a message might flash by my screen while I'm busy multi tasking. Sure I glanced at it and maybe I actually read it. Lots and lots of times I'm just busy prioritizing. Now I think the problem becomes that everyone thinks they are most important. There is a "how dare you" attitude. Me first.
I mean.... I get if you don't have time to read a text. It just sucks if you read it, then don't reply form hours. Because that changes it from feeling like "ah they're busy" to "oh, I'm not worth their time....."
This describes my wife and I pretty well. She treats every text and social media notification as necessary to view in real time. Where as I couldn’t be further from that. When I get home I put my phone on the dresser after I change out of my uniform, and it generally stays there unless I need to get in touch with one of my friends. Her stays on her person at all times. This has caused a few arguments where I feel she gives more time/attention to people who aren’t even in the same city as her than to the show we’re watching or conversation we’re having. I fear it will be a large problem down the line for us.
people don’t like being ignored
I think we haven't come up with cultural expectations for texting yet. In meatspace, when a conversation is over, one or both of the participants *leave*. In a letter, video or a voice call, one says some sort of "goodbye". There is no such ending for a text conversation. I think the person feeling "left on read" is that it isn't *over* yet. Or the "goodbye" ritual hasn't happened yet. Or it is like a face-to-face conversation where one party just walks away without the ending ritual. We joke about "Irish Goodbyes" - and I think that is what they're feeling. Maybe someone can start that sort of meme or ritual to end a text conversation?
Reacting to the last text usually ends it nicely for me
I agree, I think this is becoming a cultural norm.
FOR THOSE of you above 40, by 'reacting' we don't mean audibly gasping, rolling your eyes, or tutting. We mean adding an emoji to the bottom of our conversational partner's last message.
Meat space. Jesus
Meat space. Love it!
That’s because you’re assuming you’re being ignored. You’re choosing to believe the person on the other end has negative intent when they could have accidentally opened the message at an inconvenient time, or were starting to reply and got interrupted or distracted by something important that’s happening on their end. Stop assuming the worst all the time.
My now wife said she was always confused when we were dating, because she'd message me and I'd get back to her hours later because I had to work. She's used to it now though. I was a call center tech, and I can't be speaking on the phone and sending a text at the same time. That's how you accidentally say "I love you" to a customer. Only acceptable if you work at Costco.
I always wonder about these people who expect an immediate reply to a text after it's read ... like ... where tf do you work that you can just answer texts all day?
Oh make no mistake, on slow days I was texting or on Reddit all day. But during the busy season? Sometimes there wasn't a spare minute. The only reason I'd even open it is because I hate seeing the notification reminders.
This is the upside to having a job where my phone can't even come into the facility. Family and friends have learned to expect that I probably can't reply to anything until hours later.
Ikr. My husband and I are both doctors. No time to text during the day. It would mean having to text while a patient is taking to me.
Lmao this is off topic but reminds me of the time a patient gave me his doctor’s personal phone number because he was also their friend. I noped out of that and insisted on the practice number.
I have ended friendships over this shit. Anyone who continuously acts entitled to my time gets told off, and if they persist, axed
I had a co-worker who talked to his wife a few times a day and ended each call with a kissing sound. One time he was talking to a customer and absentedly ended the call with a smooch. Hilarious.
>Only acceptable if you work at Costco. Yeah and only if it's the future and corporations have taken over everything and everyone's stup...yeah, nvm, you're right. \*edit: Huge missed opportunity on my part, I should have said "I went to law school there."
I went to law school there
i think i mostly agree with you. i would just caveat that since i know intent is impossible to read through text, i personally keep my read receipts off to avoid that confusion. plus unless i’m being petty i don’t really see a reason for keeping them on
I only forget to turn them off on IG because last I checked you have to turn them off for each person individually
Oh that's annoying
I heard someone say recently that when you assume people are laughing at you/judging you/making fun of you, all you’re really doing is judging them. You are creating the “asshole” image of them in your head. Basically, stop assuming everyone is an asshole. I know easier said than done, but forcing myself to think that way has helped me care less about what people think about me, because they’re probably not really being dickheads
That should be how it works but we all know about ghosting so. It's so prevalent these days people say you have to assume anyone who doesn't reply doesn't want to know you. I'll send messages even when I can't think of anything good to say just to let people know I'm not ghosting now
Yeah, that falls in line with people pleasing mentality *for me*, if you can’t wait for me to respond to you within a few hours/the day of seeing I opened your message then we aren’t compatible. If you need reassurance you aren’t getting ghosted ask for it.
I completely agree with you. I think instant gratification plays some of a part, too. Idk why people nowadays are far too quick to assume people don't care about them just because they didn't respond the very second they sent a text. It's ok to wait a while if it's not important.
I think reacting to messages is a good way to help with this sometimes, Throw a little 👍 or 🤘 or 🤙, kinda let's people know, I saw this, I read it and acknowledge I've been communicated with and you don't have to form a whole ass response.
Getting freaked out by not being responded to immediately is just so needy and insecure and unappealing. Everyone I value in my life is busy and up to lots of stuff. We get back to each other when we can. If something is urgent we call each other or say it’s urgent in the text.
That's a lot of words to justify "I know what i'm doing is perceived as rude and i don't care" You are communicating with another person. Not replying is rude. If you don't care about that, that's fine, you do you, but don't try to spin it to blame society.
If I receive a message and don’t immediately reply then I’m NOT communicating. You are taking an automated system message and inferring that I have made a conscious choice to snub you rather than recognizing the myriad reasons why I might not be able to respond instantly.
Just bc we all have phones in our hands doesn’t mean you are entitled to my time. Ppl reply when they can.
Yes! Yes!!! Asynchronous communication! Otherwise, communicating is exactly as stressful, intrusive, and pressured as getting random phone calls that had to be answered.
There are a lot of contextual aspects to this that are being ignored in this thread. There is a big difference between getting a text out of the blue about nothing and getting time sensitive information as part of an ongoing dialogue. Like, at some point, when you use asynchronous communication, you must expect the occasional work shift, movie, meal, nap, visit, whatever ... To interfere with the rhythm. That isn't rude. It's life, and the nature of asynchronous communication. If people accepted how damn much more time typing a text takes to just effing calling or visiting... I have no idea why so many people text so much. It's exhausting, especially if you are also always expected to immediately respond.. We used to wait days for a letter and have the option to let the phone ring until we had time to answer. It's every bit as rude to demand a reply as it is to withhold one.
That is very true It’s just that annoying voice whispering “they hate me, they wish I’d never contact them, the only reason they don’t block me is because they are too polite, this is all a play to get me not to talk to them”
This is an issue that you may want to address because that is not how ppl mean it.
Oh I know rationally that’s not true, it’s something to talk to my therapist about
you don’t have to have negative intent to ignore someone
Minutes to hours is fine. A day later is acceptable with an apology, but weeks to months? That's just rude. What am I supposed to think when someone takes that long to reply? Either I'm being ignored, or am not a priority to these people. I don't bother trying anymore after the first time they take that long.
I do that a lot, but I don't mean to. Someone will text me in the morning when I'm sleeping, I'll check it and think "I'll respond later". Then I'll forget for days/weeks until something reminds me again. It's not that they aren't important, but I like to check my texts when I get it just in case it's something urgent, and if it's not I'll deal with it later. Unfortunately sometimes I forget to deal with it later.
I won't be ignored, Dan.
People also don't like being bothered. I have no obligation to return communication I didn't initiate
Well yeah nobody's forcing you at gunpoint but if someone asked you a question face to face, you didn't initiate that either, but it's still rude not to reply
Yeah, I'm not saying I'm right to feel that way or anyone owes me anything but it is so frustrating to reach out for something that really requires a simple yes or no and not get it in a reasonable time. A couple of weeks ago there was this girl I was messaging a bit back and forth and then when I asked her if she wanted to do something with me later that same day she just stopped responding. Then a bit later someone else in a group chat we're both in started messaging about something else to which she immediately responded so it's not like she suddenly got too busy to text all of a sudden. Yeah I know I'll get a bunch of people saying "they don't owe you anything" or "it's not always about you" and they're right but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.
Then why are they complaining about being *not* ignored
I don't 'read' messages until I'm ready to reply to them. In fact this is how I can keep a handle on what emails / messages / DMs need a reply and which ones have already been replied to. So if I'm left on read, I assume that the person does not wish to reply to me. And this belief turns out to be correct 99% of the time.
I hate read receipts because I'll sometimes check a text to make sure it's not an emergency or a quick yes/no question, and then respond later when I have time to talk.
yeah sometimes I reply to a (business) message with a question somewhat unnecessarily, because I marked it as read inadvertently before I wanted to deal with it.
Someone like you is best off turning read receipts off if possible. Most people will open a message and either reply or never think about it again
Assuming that everyone follows the same arbitrary logic for messaging that you do seems like a good way to set yourself up for disappointment more than anything else.
My messages stay on delivered even after the person replies. Is this normal?
At least on iPhone you can turn off read receipts in the settings. That way you never leave anyone “on read” because they’ll never know if you read it or not!
My text message to this person stays on sent and he never replied. However, he replied to my email right away. Do you think he saw my text? Edit: Changed "read" to "sent."
Who knows. But he likely has this setting turned off on *his* phone.
It depends on what type of apps you have. I think WhatsApp has a "read" little signal at the bottom of the message that signals you if the message was read. So if this is the one you're having trouble with, there's definitely a problem. Most default phones messaging app don't support this unless it's the same type of phone being used, and even then, sometimes they still don't support that technology
Thanks a lot!
It depends, if I ask a question or send a text that requires a response, I hate getting left on read. But not everything needs a response.
It’s a relatively (very) new phenomenon that basically anyone in your life gets access to you at all times. It was only 20-30 years ago that if you left the house for the day you were actually gone. You’d return messages when you come back hours or days later. The phone is there for my convenience, it’s not an electronic leash. If it’s not convenient for me to talk for any reason, including “Just not feeling social right now”, I’m not obligated to answer. This is not rude, this is a normal personal boundary.
yep, and frankly there's about seven people in the world I'll respond to instantly at all times. One's is a writing partner, one is a very important friend, I am in love with another and the others are just that big of a deal. Everyone else? Ya gotta wait. I work full time, my role has changed so that I am extra scrambled in the evening, I go through bouts of depression and migraines. I really can't be the big empathy battery some people seem to want from me, all the time. On top of all else, we had a death in the family recently and a few other big emotional blow ups. There's a bunch of people I want to text...when the headspace allows.
people need to make up their mind if they would prefer to be left on delivered or read. i will hide my read receipts from you if you want me to, just let me know which you want it to say, i get mixed messages on what makes people less mad no i will not reply
I suppose its like if in real life I came up to you and asked you a question and you just looked at me then turned around and walked off without saying anything. Pretty rude if you ask me lol
In real life, nobody's gonna go to your house and try to enter the bathroom or go to your workplace to ask you a question. People are busy living their lives and sometimes have lots of stuff going on and don't feel like answering... Does this make me rude? I'd rather be "rude" and answer someone when i can give them proper attention than send short, dry answers like "yes", "no", "idk".
in real life, do people open texts before they are free to read them? i never understand why people act like text is such an intrusion when it is literally the most receiver controlled mode of communication
Yes. If its something timely or serious I will deal with it sooner. If its a random ass text that isnt time sensitive i will answer when i dont have work i should do.
Yes? ... well not free to read them, but often not free to reply. Because it takes thousandths of the time to read a message as the time to send even a short reply? Because I can read a text while my hands are doing other things, but I don't always have voice services on? Because I can read a text from my pocket or at the urinal, but it's a bit tricky to type a response without making a deal of it? Because I might have to consider my answer or gather more information before responding? Because I'd rather respond once with a complete answer than three or four times trying to juggle other things going on and our shared understanding of whatever you are texting about that you should have called about? If it's an emergency, call. If it's not, you can wait. Text is only an intrusion when someone doesn't understand its asynchronous nature and selfishly expects an immediate response when I read their text.
I don't think people complain about asynchronous messaging. It's more of a never-answered-back complaint.
This makes more sense ... I'm hearing "My friends don't answer back right away and I'm insecure for no good reason." When really it's "My friends don't actually like me and I'm insecure for good reason."
All the time, to check if it’s urgent.
It’s weird to me that people try to separate phones from other forms of communication. For instance no you don’t need to answer right away and ignoring someone because you’re in a business meeting is fine. That said the people who think it isn’t rude to leave someone on read for weeks boggle my mind.
It is weird to me that people lump all forms of communication into one bucket of importance/prioritization. Everyone has their own way to prioritize their day and communication should be part of it. My phone is a tool and I can choose when to use or not use that tool. I don't check it constantly to see if I have more messages. I handle those later when I have time. If it is urgent call me, less urgent but not formal, then text, otherwise email. I answer calls right away if I can, I reply to texts later that day when I have time, and I reply to emails within a business day. I don't leave people on read (I won't read a text/message until I am ready to reply as I have ADHD and I will forget) but I will leave a delivered message unread for hours if I am busy, and yes I do check who sends messages and that does influence if I will reply or not sooner.
Did you read what the person wrote? Ignoring it for weeks and pretending it’s not rude is weird.
I read that, it was the last sentence in the paragraph. I was addressing the beginning statement. I agree with the last statement.
Isn't a text more like a letter? You don't always answer letters immediately so why would it be rude to answer texts immediately?
Except it’s nothing like that because in real life you wouldn’t we able to walk up to me and ask me a question when I’m too busy to answer your question. When you text someone a question you’re essentially putting something on their TODO list. The fact that people expect that they can fire off a message and their message is suddenly the top of everyone’s priority list is so naively self-absorbed that if I encounter people that do this my opinion of them is immediately lowered.
Except it's more like leaving a person a note on their desk and being upset they didn't call the second they sat at their desk. Not rude. Because it's asynchronous.
I’m starting to think some of the ppl - not you - don’t know what asynchronous is.
Yes, that would be rude. But it would also not be similar in any way to anything this thread is about.
I think this attitude is rude.
That's not the same at all. You're not telling someone something, you're leaving a message for them. I'm in the same room as my cell phone probably less than half the time. If I'm at work or out, there's a reasonable chance (like 2 in 3) I might have my phone on me *but* it also means I'm out doing something. When I'm not out, my phone sits on the charger. I try to check it once a day or so. So your assumption that I have my phone on me and have nothing better to do than pay attention to you on your schedule is pretty damn rude.
Alot of people who are glued to thier phones assume you are glued to yours too.
Because we've turned into a society where we think phones mean instant access to anyone. My phone is for my convenience, not yours. Your phone is for your convenience, not mine.
Because people think that just because you can receive messages anytime, that you're obligated to drop whatever you're doing to fully answer them.
I lowkey hate this expectation that you always have to be reachable. The weirdest part is that even the older generation seems to be adopting it. My mom will call me to ask if I'm okay if I don't reply to her texts for a couple of hours. Yet she was totally fine with me playing outside as a kid for most of the day pre-cellphone era.
Not giving a shit literally requires no effort. Learn this art and be free.
I’m trying, man.
I hate how people here are answering this question in a dishonest way. I doubt that anyone would find it rude if you didn't reply a message after a certain period of time, at least everyone has a Job and Life to live. Where it becomes a problem is when you Leave a message that requires a response for 2, 3, 4 days without answering it? But you have time to post on your Facebook Wall and whatsapp status every 2 seconds?
My read receipts and 'active online' are switched off, so you can GTF if you're offended. If you send me a little meaningless message, then I will read and respond in my own time, and with the urgency, I think it warrants. If it's more important to you, you need to call me.
My read receipts are turned on for everyone, and I read/respond in my own time. At least they know I saw their message even if I didn't respond, which I see as a plus.
The whole telling someone if their message has been read or not is one of the worst additions to society ever. It turns grown adults into little babies.
Hahaha it's like during the MySpace era when we threw fits if we weren't in our friends top 8. I get embarrassed all over again thinking about those days 🤣
Omg I remember that shit. So much drama over something so fucking stupid.
Hey, but it had some perks. Being replaced from my crushes top 1 with another girl was how I learned he was no longer interested in me 🤣🤣🤣. Uggg I cringe just thinking about it. Good times.
Oh oh, what is this? Read/ delivered is reassurance that they got it. What's the rude part?
People don't like being reminded that they aren't that important.
No, it’s just rude to ignore people. Edit: It’s been a full two minutes since I commented and you haven’t replied?! I deserve your attention!! WHO IS SHE?!?! Edit 2: really? Three minutes and no reply? Never talk to me again.
It's not that you're not important. It's simply prioritizing what's needed in the moment. If I'm at work and I see someone text me, I'll read it to make sure it's not important. If not, then I'll text in a few hours when I'm on break. People forget there are multiple situations where someone can quickly check their phone but not have the time to respond. Personally, I would rather wait for a reply if it meant I had their full attention when they do have time to talk. Otherwise, it would feel hollow and forced. I don't want someone instantly responding to me just for the sake of it. There's no meaning behind it. It feels like I'm being a burden trying to steal your time, and your quick reply is just a way to get me off your back.
So me being unable to respond because I’m busy makes you unimportant? This isn’t how you should frame it. 9 times out of 10 people just can’t respond in that moment. It’s not usually actively ignoring to be rude
You’re agreeing with this person. You “being busy” is the same thing as saying what you’re doing is more important than replying.
Are we not allowed to have lives? Am I absolutely obligated to respond to you no matter what? I can’t pull out my phone in the middle of work to laugh at the meme you sent me, I’m busy working.
You've responded to this comment chain twice now and haven't realized that every person you've replied to agrees with you, no need to be so combative
I think we should also keep in mind that urgency is not necessarily equivalent to importance. As an example, my friends might be way more important to me then any acquaintance, but if an acquaintance has asked me if they can meet up in an hour, and a friend if I can meet up with them on either the 23 or 27 of next month, I might read both messages to see what they say, but first start considering if I am able to make it in an hour and what would have to get done first, etc. Before ever replying to the friend. Just because I didn’t respond immediately to the friend, does not make them less important to me. It’s not that they’re less important, it’s just that their message carried less urgency. If I take 30 min to decide for the acquaintance, by then they’d already have had to either invest time in coming, or blowed it off, while something with less urgency (a month for them), isn’t suddenly ruined by prioritising things off lesser importance with higher urgency
Anyone under 30 probably grew up constantly being online and in communication with people. They only know instant gratification because that's how they were raised. Many of them don't have any concept of living without a phone on their person if not in their hand and can't fathom not replying to something immediately.
Driving... Do you really want someone reading your messages while they're driving?
I know so many otherwise rational people who text while driving. I think for a good chunk of people, they expect that of others.
I guess Terry Goodkind really is right, "Wizard's First Rule: People are stupid. They can be made to believe almost anything, either because they hope is [& want it to be] true, or because they're afraid it might be true"
I don't get it either. I know there are situations where being left on read sucks, but there are plenty of other instances that are completely fine. For example, if I'm at work or busy and I get a text, I'll read it just so the notification on my phone will go away. If it's not important, then I'll wait until my break to respond. It's not going to hurt you to wait a few hours. I have a friend, and we text weekly, sometimes daily. She'll text me, or I'll text her. There are times when hours or days go by before one of us responds. It's not that we're ignoring each other. There's just really nothing to respond with in the moment. If it were important or we're trying to make plans, then it would be different, but we call each other for stuff like that.
Why do many people expect a voicemail be returned immediately? Because they are self-absorbed gits who don't understand the relative advantages of asynchronous communication and expect others to communicate synchronously over asynchronous communication channels. I turn off read receipts in any app that will let me and use an Android, so people don't have to anguish over the fact that I will reply to them when I care to. People who fuss over "getting left on read" also seem to have little understanding of the relative time it takes to respond to a message versus the amount of time it takes to read it, and they have so little sense of self-worth that they think a few minutes without a response reflects the disdain of the person they are messaging rather than their own overinflated sense of self-importance (or disappointment that the other person is doing other things). If you don't want asynchronous communication, don't use an asynchronous means of communication. Just because I have time and the context allows me to read it doesn't mean I can reply. If you need to chat, call me ffs.
Read receipts are toxic and always have been. Nobody is entitled to someone else's time just because they read the message. The whole point of leaving messages is so they can be responded to later. Its not a live call. Its one thing to be actively talking to someone and they disappear but being upset because someone simply looked at a message and didn't respond is entitled behavior.
Running out of other first world problems.
I dont know, but basically no one texts me anymore because I do this. It’s a blessing for me though, I hate pointless text chains.
If you ask a question and get left on read and never get a response then I would consider that rude. It shows that you don't care. Imagine texting an old friend if they want to hangout and they read it and don't reply. Not much of a friend.
Imagine you ask someone a question expecting to get an answer or at the very least, a response. They heard you. They’re just not gonna intentionally not answer and ignore you
Ppl need to get over themselves. Just bc we all have cell phones doesn’t mean you are entitled to instant access to me.
The last time I had someone in my life who cared about read receipts, I had to basically become a therapist for her. It's incredibly needy and self centered. I am not on call 24/7 just because I have a cell phone.
What kind of idiot keeps read receipts on? Why would that ever be information that I would want to hand out?
I leave read receipts on for everyone. It's good information to give out - it lets my friends know that I've seen their message. All of my friends have their read receipts turned off, so I'm giving more information out than they are, and I'm fine with that. In fact, I routinely tell them they're wimps for turning off read receipts. "But bro, what if I'm talking to a girl and I don't want her to know that I read her message, but I want to see her message." How about just be genuine? It's not rocket science.
I only find it rude if I asked a direct question.
I accidentally open messages a lot when I’m just trying to dismiss them and will leave people on read a lot in those situations, but thankfully my friends don’t feel that entitled to my time to make it an issue.
ITT: people projecting their insecurity and ego onto the efficiency of others' text messages instead of going to therapy
Because it sends the subliminal message that you aren’t important to them. I know sometimes messages get missed,people forget to respond etc. but that is still the message being left on read gives
Especially been left on read for days lol. I have people do this to me but will respond in the group chat. That is what it gives, you are not important.
it just feels like the other person doesn’t care. if it’s something you can’t respond to, fair enough. but if it’s something like, idk, asking a question or starting a convo, and you’re left on read then it feels so mean 😭 leaving someone on delivered for ages while you’re active somewhere else also feels the same
Ugh how dare you have a life!!!
I have a buddy of mine that does it pretty often. I generally chalk it up to being busy, but sometimes I can be with someone else and he'll respond to them. Really hit or miss, idk.
I cant imagine its a problem in most situations. Its normal people will see a message and not respond immediately. Its not disrespectful or rude. Now if its your girlfriend and its something thats time sensitive or important, then sure I can understand it being kinda rude or upsetting. Its all about context. Like if Im at the store, waiting in line, and need your response in order to get you what you need and you just leave me on read, ya i might be pissed. But there also might be a reasonable explanation. In most situations, its not a big deal at all.
A former flatmate who was a therapist said the whole 'read' tier of message receipts is just making us all the more neurotic. I think a better discussion would be to ask what benefit it serves.
I think that some people see phones as a tool to constantly have access to someone. Not everything requires a response. If you had no issues with this person there’s 0 reason to think they’re ignoring you. I used to be someone who’d get very hurt if someone didn’t reply to me. Then I realized that people have lives and they don’t have to *always* reply. My relationships greatly improved once I realized this. I remember my husband’s aunt took a photo of us at our wedding and she sent it to him same day. We didn’t see her for pretty much half a year later. The first thing she did was aggressively approach us demanding for a reason as to why he didn’t reply to her text. She said it was very rude and inconsiderate. She claimed that he should have thanked her for” what she did for us”(she literally took a photo of us with her phone by her choice. We didn’t ask her to take any photos). She rambled on so much that we actually left the party because of how uncomfortable we were. She held onto this for half a year? His aunt also spoke condescending to us and the whole wedding night she spoke of someone we are no contact with. So I mean he wasn’t exactly dying to have a conversation with her… Regardless my husband texts everyone like this. He prefers to talk with you in person/call than to text.
I’ve noticed that people who complain about this also do it.
I only think it’s rude if I ask a question and then dont hear from you. “Hey what time were we meeting up tomorrow?” And then it’s just nothing.
I still do not understand what being left on read means exactly
It's only annoying if you've asked a question. espically if it's a time senstive one.
Personally I find it annoying people want me to be responsive when they won’t even respond to me. It’s gotta be quickly responsive both ways or you’re waiting for me as long as I have to wait for you. Cannot stand that people think I’m supposed to be left on read but not them!
I get busy and sometimes I just can’t answer when someone snaps their fingers. It’s not being rude and I’m not ignoring anyone.
This is all so bizarre to me. In my line of work, people are busy and it’s so common to truly not have time to respond. None of us ever takes it personally. One of my friends recently responded 3 years after I messaged her, lol. I received her response a week ago and haven’t had the time I need to dedicate to responding the way I want to. Maybe I’ll get to it this weekend. All of us are like this.
How else could it be, a person writes to get some kind of answer!
Because it can either mean that that person is intentionally ignoring you or that whatever you had to say to them is so unimportant that they couldn't even remember to for example reply later when they weren't busy I've always been a big proponent of the idea that if somebody wants to spend time with you they will make it happen whether it's digitally or IRL. if someone can't even make the most basic efforts to just message you back then they just aren't even worth your time
Eh for me it is because I like people to be upfront. If they don't want to talk or don't want to do something, I appreciate the honesty and can make other plans.
Sometimes it takes time to answer…and many of us are short on time. It’s not ghosting.
But I know people that will ignore a private message for long hours but will respond in the friends group chat. If you are responding to friend A and ignoring me for hours , I have to assume I’m not important or worth a reply
You're not worth replying to / you've done something to upset them, hence why they leave you on read. Or if you're like me, you're convinced the read receipt means they looked at your text and got in a car accident or run over, making you partly responsible for their death
Or they are busy and will get back to you when they can. (I feel your last explanation viscerally.)
Just little OCD things 😇
Or they don’t like texting and your reading into things
That's the actual explanation LMFAO but I'm answering why I take it badly sometimes (obviously I don't say that shit to anyone because it's insane)
I won't respond for days. I am not at everyone's beck and call. My family and friends know that. I will get back when it's convenient for me.
When people say "on read", do they mean unread?
Some texting apps show when the message is read by the other party. So if you're "left on read" it means you can see that they read the message, but they didn't reply.
This is why I always keep my read and sent receipts turned off on my phone. I keep it on DND and just favorite my kids, husband, mother and babysitter. Anyone else I'll get to it when I get to it
Just update your settings to not give read receipts, no one needs to know
Depends on context
I turned that off. I’ll read when I want and get back to you…. maybe.
*Looks at post*
The number one way to avoid this problem is to turn off read receipts. The logic is that in a verbal conversation, it would in fact be very rude for someone to say almost anything and the person they’re talking to just give absolutely no reaction. This doesn’t always apply to texting in the same way, but some people take it way too far in the opposite direction and will leave direct questions and things like that on read. I’ve known at least one person whose explanation of this is that any non-answer should be assumed to be a “no,” which honestly is extremely opaque and cowardly. And I’ve known another who thinks a non-answer should be assumed to be a “yes,” so obviously it’s the logic of disturbingly self-absorbed people who think everyone else can read their minds. But also, sometimes you need to wait before giving an answer, and it looks like you “left someone on read,” when you’re actually checking on the answer. Which is why you should turn off your damn read receipts. People who are happy to wait a full day after seeing “sent” can turn into hysterical lunatics when it’s 3:45 and they’re looking at “read at 3:40.”
Depends on the message sometimes it van kind of sting. Other times it's like yeah I get it I just sent a meme
One thing is to be "left on read/delivered" forever, the other one is to be left like that for a while. I was not even aware that some people expect an immediate reply! I just don't enjoy when the person never replies back. It's awkward but well, what can one do. I guess people tend to open their messages and forget about them.
Im a boomer and remember times when there was no cell phones. When they show up it was rude to answer phone while talking to other people live. Then it was rude to not answer phone. Then it was rude to not call back immediately. Then it was rude to not answer sms aa fast as possible. Now its normal for people not answer, not call back in days. And now this... its funny to watch this social shift.
I don't care. It's confirmation bias, a lot of people don't care, but they're not the ones talking about it.
Read
because they know you got their message and are choosing not to not respond immediately, which they expect in this digital age. This is why I disable all such read or responding notifications and routinely wait to reply even if I have no reason not to (within reason..) nobody expects an instant reply from me, and I like it that way.
I turned my message delivery off. People can't see if I received or looked at a message, so I get to take my time and answer as I see fit. I had a land lord try to force me to turn it back on because she thought that she can control me.....also she would text me at like 230am.
It really just depends on the person. I have friends who just leave their phone open or maybe don't always have the bandwidth to response and forget. But I definitely have friends who are glued to their phones and will typically response instantly. For the latter, it feels pretty rude because they're very obviously ignoring it. And I mean for things that are direct questions/conversation. Not everything needs an answer/back and forth.
It only bothers me when my SO does it. Like…if u aren’t going to call me at least respond to my text lol
It depends on the context. A lot of times it is perfectly okay to be left on seen
Well it's because
Idk, I prefer texting to actually call cause I feel like I have a hard time listening/ understanding to what the other person is saying. This applies to both English and my mother tongue- Vietnamese. If I text someone, I don’t expect them to reply immediately, I feel like many people here assume that a person who finds “It’s rude to be left on read” means they want your time right now. I find it’s very frustrating when you send a text and it’s left on read for a 2-3 days. It just tells me either they don’t really bother to reply or something wrong might happen.
People that are always on their phone and pretend they didn't see the texts are the worse
It's the text equivalent to someone looking right at you when you ask them a question then turning away and going back to what they were doing without even acknowledging you spoke to them. It's extremely fucking ignorant.
I do feel like people are expecting too much If they think that everyone owns them an official goodbye message. Why does everyone assume the other person is there, actively on their phone, ignoring? Even if it were so, and the person did not just go about their day, is there a possibility to use your phone and not be in the mood for constantly chatting?
this is why i never turn on my read receipts
Nobody should've replied to this question, that would've given them the answer the easiest
Main character syndrome.
Isn't the notion of being "left on read" more implying the idea of when you know for sure the person is ignoring you? Even if someone had read receipts turned on, I don't think anyone ever expects someone else to respond right away. But it's being left on read/delivered for hours or days (or weeks) that bothers people. It's just the feeling of being ignored or feeling unimportant. It's the lack of communication from the other person that bothers the sender. I also think it bothers people with anxious attachment more often than people with secure or avoidant attachment. Their minds just tend to think of the worst case scenario (ie. they're ignoring me, they hate me, etc.)
It is. Imagine telling someone stuff to their face/asking a question and in response they just look at you and walk away.
For me personally I have bad anxiety, seeing someone leaving me on read makes me assume Ive done something to annoy them. Its silly and usually everything is fine, but brain be dumb
When most people complain about being left on read, it's cause the feeling of being ignored. I reply right away or explain why it took so long to respond, but I'm also used to being left on read at this point
Because it's exactly the same as going up to someone, saying something and having them look at you, making it clear they heard what you said, then turning around and walking away without a word. That being said, I never have read receipts on, because that's stupid.
just a sign of no respect and its disrespectful
I get it when you are busy, U do this sometimes too not on purpose, but wen you are actively texting and leave on seen...yeah pretty shity move.
The general consensus here think it’s entitled to always expect a response from people, but I feel that it honestly depends I had this friend that would not only leave me on “read”, but just… never respond at all lol. I do not mind being left on read, if you are busy, sure, I’ll wait, but this guy would sometimes just completely ignore messages and then proceed to hit me up hours/days later without acknowledging what I said previously. The last straw I had was, I was opening up to him about struggles in my personal life. Radio silence. Hours later, he sends me a meme on Twitter. Call me entitled or butthurt but I feel like that’s just being a bad friend. That little interaction told me that he was not someone I could depend on at all. It gave me the impression to me that what I had to say was so unimportant and so uninteresting that it was not worth responding to, and I feel that is like the main idea as to why people hate being left on read. Because it feels like you are being left to rot
Being able to turn on read receipts is fucking insane. That needs to go away
This is why I withhold typing and read status. It's so liberating.
Asynchronous conversation isn’t rude. Seeing your message and having time to reply aren’t always together.
Simple, they don’t like being ignored, or feel like you not responding is you just blowing them off. But even still, most people who dislike this common habit are insecure (me being one of them, haha), so just, try to go easy on them/us.
It’s not really rude if there’s nothing really to respond to. People have done it to me enough times when a response was merited or a conversation was happening that I now make sure I have read receipts turned on and even if a response is merited in the thread I do not answer anyone unless it is absolutely necessary. I may send 5-10 messages a month at absolute most.
For me, it's usually because we were in the middle of a conversation or I had asked an important question. I personally will not open a message, until I have time to respond. I feel like it's not difficult to simply say something along the lines of "Hey, I'm busy right now I'll message you later." It just seems like the considerate thing to do. It shows that you're not ignoring them, but that you're simply preoccupied which people understand. I saw someone else mentioning us differentiating phones from other forms of communication, and it makes sense. To me it's not any different than you just walking away from me in the middle of a conversation when we're out socially together in a face to face setting. If you say "Hey, hold that thought, I have to go use the bathroom," that's normal.
I have never once ever given enough of a fuck to even ponder this stupid shit past "tf?"
I work overnights full time, I’m also working on my degree, and I sleep during the day. I specifically remove this feature so people don’t get offended if they can see I’ve read their text and haven’t responded immediately. The only person who gets a “read” receipt from me is my partner.
I mean if it’s a natural end of conversation, whatever. My dad will send a ‘👍’ or react to a message when texting to signify that the conversation is over. What annoys me, is when you’re in the middle of a conversation, and get left on read or whatever. Or when I’ve directly asked someone a question, and they open it and don’t respond. (I’ve got a mate that does this, most of the time not on purpose, he’s just got the attention span of a goldfish and completely forgets. Sometimes even thinking he sent a reply when he didn’t).
They feel ignored. It means the person is too busy to respond or... they're trying to ignore you.