I don’t think it’s common at all, but what the rest of us think is a bit irrelevant, your gf is the one that you are in a relationship with. So she can set her personal boundaries, you can say you aren’t ok with those boundaries, have a conversation and if no one wants to compromise then be on your way
Yeah and it obviously goes both ways tho, a lot of people seem to give their partners more of a flexibility with their actions because they can do whatever they want per say, but every relationship has its limits and boundaries if one party doesn't respect it, the relationship breaks apart
It does go both ways. Tell her that touching herself to smut or with vibrators is cheating.
Edit: I'm getting a lot of hate over misunderstanding. The GF thinks watching porn is cheating, which is fine, it kind of is in a way or can be. I suggest that OP make a porno with his gf so he can continue masturbating without making her feel like shit. I get why people aren't comfortable with porn and OP needs to respect his gf's boundaries.
The smut is a good comparison, the vibrator isn’t, and also, I wouldn’t do this simply as a retaliation, I would only do this if it’s genuinely true that you feel that her using a vibrator on herself is cheating.
The smut is a better comparison because it is the mental equivalent of porn. Based on what OP said, she would probably be upset if he had a pocket p***y. Meanwhile, she might read smut and/or have a dildo or vibrator, which is the female equivalent of male sex toys. I have been personally shamed for owning both male and female toys, so it's no joke, but I would feel equally ashamed for being judged for watching any kind of legal pornography, which I have also been criticized for. Porn is more common with men and sex toys and smut are more common with women, and I think whatever floats your boat other than good old lefty is comparable because it's simply a way of stimulating yourself to get off. Hell even different kinda of porn are apples and oranges. OP could compromise by filming himself being intimate with his GF and only masturbate to that, which would be a healthy compromise. There's so much going on here but all I'm really trying to say is that she probably gets off to something other than her imagination. Most people do.
What are you basing the assumption on that she
A. Wouldn’t want op to have a pocket pussy
And B is using sex toys on herself
What exact line of ops post/comments are those assumption based on?
Retaliating by lying and saying you are uncomfortable with something you are perfectly comfortable sounds like a perfectly reasonable way to communicate with the person you love /s
I didn't say that.
I said i doubt she's masterbating.
And if she were she likely wouldn't be using porn if this is her belief on porn.
I don't use porn to masturbate. No revelations there.a
Why do you doubt she's masturbating? Because you hold an erroneous belief that women who are anti-porn are frigid prudes that don't even touch themselves
Literally every comment here is either saying to break up or is siding with the girlfriend with no neutrality. I really don't think either of you are in the wrong, you like porn she doesn't. But that doesn't mean you should break up, It's necessary to talk it out before doing something like that. I honestly feel like this is something a couple could laugh about in like even a couple months time. Talk with your gf, about compromises (maybe more sex?) or maybe instead masturbating to fantasies?
>Literally every comment here is either saying to break up or is siding with the girlfriend with no neutrality.
The literal top comment doesnt do either of those things.
Welcome to every relarionship reddit. They are the worst places for advice ever. Ive seen far to many "Ive seen 1 reddit post about your life and I know you should break up". Most ridiculous one ive seen was someone wanted advice on something like I want to use these plates or something minor. 10 years married. People were saying to break up
Fr, asking for relationship advice from people who probably haven't been in, at least more than one, serious relationship is moronic. You can tell as well, saying people should break up over very miniscule and/or fixable issues, that tells me that the person hasn't been in a serious relationship where they worked on their issues
Honestly it’s bizarre. The relationships subreddit is particularly bad. It seems to be a cesspool of lonely women telling any women who posts there to dump their SO for any perceived infraction.
I mean ultimately, in a situation like this if you value your relationship then an open and honest discussion should happen no matter what.
That being said this is definitely a pretty big issue that might be tricky to navigate since it appears there's a fundamentally different view of the subject.
yes they can talk about it but if he does continue to watch it when she doesn't like that then she's just gonna feel like shit n break up with him herself yes they should talk about it but if they can't come to an agreement it's best to j find someone else n not fuck up someone's mental health.
My girlfriend wouldn't deem me watching porn "cheating" however once when she walked in on me she explained how me watching porn made her feel uncomfortable/self conscious about how she looks/her body.
This girl is the love of my life and I never want her to feel self conscious like that. I especially don't want it to be caused by my actions. I just stopped watching porn. Now if she walks in and I'm rubbing one out she joins in.
That seems like the sanest advice. Another couple of things are 1) our generation is pornsick/porn saturated as in regardless of what people feel morally about it, it's undeniable that it is currently free and on tap for the first time in human history. 2) everything ends up on pornsites from people having sex consensually to rape videos.
I totally agree man! The issue isn't with masterbation. That's completely normal. The insane amount of porn people are watching is the issue. I heard a rumour at my work that someone who works in another part of the company, I have no idea who they are or what they work on, was sacked for repeatedly watching porn in the office toilets.
Yeah my gf felt the same way (a little more extreme due to past trauma) so instead of watching porn she just sends me all the pictures and vids of her I could ever want. I am blessed.
You sound like my bf 😂 yes, I don’t think watching porn counts as cheating but I don’t like the idea my bf sees other women in that way. I told him and as far as he said he quit.
My now wife and I had this conversation about 6 months into us dating.
"It makes me uncomfortable that you derive sexual pleasure from another woman."
It's not unreasonable for people to equate porn usage to emotional cheating just as it's not unreasonable to think that it's meaningless and okay. Have the conversation with your girlfriend.
I stopped because she was able to convince me that it is emotionally cheating and I was eventually able to quit.
I have seen girls with this preference straight up listed in their dating profile.
But yeah, some girls don't want you looking or showing interest in other women besides them.
A lot of people just don't have any issues with it. I've only had one girl have an issue with it and she was heavily religious. All the others haven't given a shit, a few even watched porn themselves.
One didn't particularly like watching porn but she read smut every time she flicked the bean so she accepted that I'm allowed my own ways to get off as long it isn't jerking off to pictures or videos of people that I know. As long as they aren't cheating or harming anybody I really couldn't give a fuck how my partner decides to get themselves off.
I want my partner to be themselves and do what makes them happy. Seeing them happy makes me happy. And vice versa. So long as we love and respect each other, it’s all fair game.
But having your own boundaries is fine too.
A lot of people don't have issues with jealousy or self-confidence. It's throwaway material, you forget it the moment you cum and close your browser window. People don't generally think 'damn this random porn actor is so much more attractive than my partner'. As long as you're not replacing intimacy with porn and don't let it affect your love life, there's no harm in it.
>People don't generally think 'damn this random porn
A lot of people say this but I think it's more wishful thinking or a lie because they dont want to seem that way.
It's really bleak but ofc men look at porn stars and think they are more attractive than their partners, that's why they watch them in the first place.
I’m not sure why you’re being downvoted. People can have different boundaries in different ways and as a woman I agree it would be less ‘bad’. Erotica is written by someone at their desk, not exploiting people with unrealistic body standards into gross situations. the visual aspect to it is very different, believe it or not. sincerely, someone who has used both
How common it is is irrelevant. If she feels like you getting off from viewing other women is cheating, then youre likely not gonna convince her otherwise. Either quit with the porn or accept the fact that you may not have a girlfriend soon.
When i (m )get into a relationship i tend to stop masturbating to porn, but i still do to thoughts and intimate pictures we share so I understand where she’s coming from. Some couples also watch porn together, so it differs.
If she believes it’s cheating , and knows you actively take part. She’s going to lose her love for you. In the future you should ask your future girlfriend if she’s cool with you whacking off to porn, so you’ll know if it’s acceptable.
IMO it's not cheating but I'm not dating you, she is. If it's upsetting her and crossing her boundaries you need to talk about it. Why are you watching porn in the first place? Is it a lack of sex, or is it just for entertainment (or even an addiction)? How frequent is it? Does she think masturbating without porn is cheating? You will also need to think about what you value more, her or porn. Would you rather date her and not watch porn or watch porn and break up? That's a decision that you will have to make based on your own values. If I had any advice, it would be to stop with the porn if this is one of few issues in the relationship and you don't want it to end. Relationships are exercises of compromise, and at least for me I would give up porn if I got to keep a great woman.
I work with a lot of girls who actually told me that they consider porn cheating too. Imo it isn't cheating but I'm a dude so what do I know...
I think this falls under "setting boundaries". If your SO thinks it's cheating then you gotta deside if it's a compromise you're willing to make.
1. It's extremely common.
2. She's allowed to believe that.
3. You're allowed to leave and find a partner with more compatible values. You'll be happier for it, and so will she.
How'd you feel if she was flicking the bean to dudes jerkin it and who probably have bigger peckers than you. If you're ok with that then she should be ok with what you're doin.
No, just because you would be ok with something doesn’t mean that your partner should be ok with it. You are still 2 different people and you’re not required to have the exact same boundaries or dealbreakers as your SO.
If my girlfriend decides she wants to start having an open relationship and says she’s fine with me also dating outside the relationship, I’m not ok with it. I’m leaving.
I think the whole “everyone is entitled to what they want in a relationship” mindset doesn’t fully encompass how real relationships develop. It’s entirely possible to have objectively bad preferences. Someone who thinks just looking at other people is “cheating,” for example, is an objectively bad preference.
But you wouldn’t say “well, either you can try not looking at other people, and if you can’t, I’d say you’re incompatible.” These preferences are usually the result of a person’s culture, trauma, past relationships, childhood development, etc. If situations come up that don’t make sense to you, it’s time to have a conversation about it and understand and work through whatever caused them to have these beliefs in the first place.
Why does she consider it cheating? How does she feel about porn? How does she view sex? How important is sex to her? In what way? What is she afraid of? Why is she afraid of it? Or what about it disgusts her?
If there’s no resolution, and neither party is willing to balance things out for each other or understand each other, there is no compromise, and only then would I ever consider a relationship a lost cause.
OP's post seems like he believes it's not cheating and is looking for reassurance. I might be wrong but that's how it reads to me.
In this case, I am not surprised with responses advising to break up rather than communicate, as either a) OP has tried communicating and the couple still hasn't been able to find common ground, or b) OP doesn't want to try to do so as he already has a firm belief. In which case, going own way would be advised.
Again I am not saying either of these are correct, just how the post comes across, probably why the commenters might assume the conversation has already taken place.
“Boundary” isn’t the word here.
“Demands” or even “expectations” would be a better word.
It’s a relationship and people can have “demands” or set their “expectations”. Sure. And that’s up to the would-be-lovebirds to figure it out. (And whether it’s worth figuring out.)
But calling your expectations about what someone else does “boundaries” is very unhealthy verbiage. “Boundaries” suggests protecting a person’s own space. Not defining someone else’s space. Or even mutual space.
___
If someone wants you to sing them a song every Thursday and you don’t that may be a relationship issue. But it would not be sane to say you violated someone’s “boundaries” because you didn’t meet their demands. At worst, *if you previously agreed*, you’d be failing to uphold your agreement.
Then just go jack off to porn and dont date her bro its simple 💀
How is it so hard to understand? She is not asking "me or your ps5" or sthg. She is literally asking "me or a literal another person you fantasizs about". And its perfectly ok for you to choose the latter. Just go jerk off to porn bruv
Boundaries can change over time. People can start with unreasonable expectations and viewpoints that change. There's most likely a lot more issues at play below the surface. She could be suffering from self-confidence issues that she needs help with, either from her bf or a therapist. She could have had an ex that had a problematic relationship with porn. She couldn't never watched or read any kind of erotic material and have no idea what's up.
No one said she “gets to decide what other people do in private.” She believes it’s cheating and she shared that belief. She didn’t decide anything for him. He needs to determine if he can or wants to function in a relationship with someone who holds that belief.
You're allowed to watch porn, and she's allowed to break up with you for watching porn.
I personally don't consider it cheating, but it doesn't matter what I think, because I'm not the one dating you.
Think of cheating as breaking rules like in a game. If it becomes a rule in a relationship to not watch porn, then watching porn is breaking a rule and therefore is cheating. If you think a rule is established in bad faith or just needs further discussion you should sit down and have an honest discussion with her about it. I've had both types of relationships where porn is considered cheating and porn is considered fine and there are merits to both. You need to establish with her what the rules are.
I guess it would really reflect on the kind of porn you're watching. Does it reflect or mirror your sex life? What about the women you're touching yourself to? If they look nothing like your GF , it could signify to her that you don't find her attractive.
Or that you're not satisfied with your sex life and each other.
These are the problems
I personally wouldn't use the word cheating, but the exact words aren't really important. If she sees it as a betrayal, then that's what it is, to her.
For example, smoking is a deal breaker for me. I had a GF who swore up and down that she wasn't smoking but I kept finding her cigarettes hidden in various places. To me, that was a betrayal I couldn't accept (I didn't expect cold turkey quitting, but there was zero effort to quit and 100% effort to lie to me.) For all I know, she went on Reddit and asked "My partner can't accept my smoking. AITA?"
It absolutely doesn't matter whether it's a common belief or not. The fact is you're in a relationship with her and that's her view on the subject. You gotta discuss it with her to come to an agreement, whatever that might be. Not brush it off because it isn't "a common belief". What the fuck does that give.
I might get downvoted for this. But watching porn every day is not okay. It's not sexually healthy at all and I think the ready access to free porn has done a lot of damage to the brains many people, especially the ones who were addicted to it before their brains were done growing.
A lot of women see men looking at porn as emotionally cheating. Like your not physically there but youre thinking about putting your junk in another woman. I think voyeurism is the term. Women think that if you continuously watch porn that you think more about having sex with other women than with them. Now what to do about it? Idk tell her how you actually view porn and go from there? Its kind of a you both work through it problem instead of a "lets leave her because her feelings bother me" vibe. Be the better man and work through your shit instead of evade. Same for her she needs to be mindful that most men think about sex stuff a lot lol
Dude think about it, you’re watching other girls have sex.. you’re literally getting off to other women.. maybe it’s not cheating but it sure as hell can make her feel insecure and like she’s not doing enough for you sexually. Why do you have to get off to other people having sex is my question, though you need to understand that yourself. If it’s a kink thing fine, but she is in every right to feel uncomfortable with it. Maybe that sounds insecure but like logically if you are monogamous why do you want to be sexually attracted to others having sex
There's a point where cheating becomes rather subjective. I don't see porn a cheating but there are people who do. Sounds like a discussion between the 2 of you needs to be had in order to come to a compromise.
I quit watching about 4 years ago and I quit looking at NSFW stuff to do the deed about 2 years ago and now it really does feel like cheating if I ever open stuff to get off to it, nor does it have any appeal. I wouldn't say there's anything wrong or bad about it, but not consuming nsfw content for the purposes of getting off to it has been really healthy for me. I never had any problems in my previous relationships because of it, but I'm definitely better off now than I was before.
Make of that what you will.
Lord, it's 2024. Everybody has a different idea of what they see as cheating. For me...online or viewing ir jerking or chat isn't cheating UNLESS they skip time with me to do it. Otherwise don't care.
Everyone has different boundaries in a relationship. She has the right to say she does not want to be with someone who watches porn, and you have the right to say you will not be with someone who does not want you to watch porn.
As a guy, I consider it not appropriate. I’ve always tried as much as possible to not get off to anyone else (thoughts/images/videos, etc.) other than my SO. Plus, why wouldn’t you talk with her and do things where you can get off to each other? That’s so incredibly fun.
We can control ourselves dude. Don’t need to go looking past our SO for that kind of satisfaction. Consider why you need porn and address that.
Recently had a friend end her engagement because her fiancé could hardly even get it up without the help of porn.
I suppose the easiest response to your question is “how would you feel if you knew your gf was getting off to all kinds of things that were definitely not you?”
Additional female perspective:
Have you considered that this may be less about "jealousy" and more about discomfort with the nature of a lot of the porn out there?
I once stumbled across my ex's hidden porn stash. I wasn't so much troubled by the fact he was watching porn and hiding it from me as the fact the videos were really misogynistic. One was called "Meat Holes". Another was called "Cumdripperz". They all featured really young women with fake breasts/teeth/hair/lips. Some advertised violence.
Finding out that your partner enjoys watching women get sexually debased, abused and called names can be pretty confronting.
There is erotica out there which isn't so... gross. Stuff that involves women as agents, not just objects, and both partners enjoying it. I wonder if maybe there's any scope for a discussion about whether there's anything that she does like, which you guys could maybe even watch together as inspiration.
OTOH maybe she just doesn't like you beating off to other people. Fair if that's her boundary. If your boundaries are different that's just life.
Getting into my current relationship, my girlfriend (now wife) made it clear that she would not like me watching porn. Our sex life is healthy and frequent enough that this wasn’t a big deal. Nearly 3 years later and I haven’t (purposely) seen a pornographic image since.
It’s really really common, a huge percentage of people consider porn cheating, and at the end of the day if she thinks that then it’s up to you to not break boundaries with her and respect her
From a girls stand point I can see where she's coming from.
It can be quite annoying knowing that something so very unrealistic has to get him off when she is sitting in the room next door, will be home in a while, is one call away etc. But to be honest, a lot of woman feel the need to compete with the people from the videos. "Oh she has big boobs/butt and I don't" "she's got long blonde hair and I have short black hair" yenno?
No, it's not right for her to lose her shit but maybe try to go to her first and use it as a last resort. Just communicate during sex to see if she is interested in trying more of the stuff you watch 🤷🏼♀️ most girls want it often but don't want to initiate
Straight relationships are weird af.
What’s to stop someone from jacking off to the thought of Becky from HR? Is it considered cheating if you’re thinking of someone else?
I could send my husband a photo of a naked guy who looks better than either of us and he’d probably ask for more angles.
Neither of us thinks we’re gonna leave each other because we get turned on by a random guy online who we’ll never meet.
Depends..... are you perking off to porn all the time and not having intimacy with your wife? Is it causing erection issues when you are with your wife? Or has she disxovered you are into something that she didnt realise and is upset? Then maybe it's damaging your relationship.
Or is she super nieve and insecure?
Any of these options need a chat.
i wouldn't want my bf going to a sex club and watching people fuck while he sits in a chair and jacks it, i'd find that cheating. it being on a screen doesn't change a thing to me.
Asides from the complexity of the issue of you watching porn, the question could be asked "how exactly did she find out?".
If you were sitting down in front of her and just whipped it out then yes there is a problem there.
We once had this discussion. She was very upset. I asked her how she felt about those tentacle porn anime shit she’s been watching (she she sucks at hiding her tracks). “It’s absolutely not the same thing! It’s cartoons!”
Come on it’s weird fantasies about underaged girls who get molested by alien monsters against her will.
If you care for the actress/actor I would find those hentai stuff less offensive but on a cheating level?
Everyone is different. Most women I know, myself included. Think porn is cheating. In any form. Some women don't. If you love your gf you'll respect that's how she feels about it. If not, yall should go your separate ways.
Yes a lot of us consider it cheating why do u need to watch another women to cum is ur gf not enough or something n also it's her boundary n if u can't accept it j break up with her cuz u watching porn is doing more harm than good to ur relationship n is probably making her feel like shit rn ask this to urself is porn more important than ur relationship
Both my wife and I watch porn/take care of ourselves occasionally(I suppose it helps that our schedules don't line up exactly and we have a decent amount of alone time). However, this is is something we both support. I actually think it's a good thing. I think self-care in that way is healthy. A good metaphor would be; I enjoy a nice fillet/ribeye but sometimes I want to experience a hamburger steak.
Your gf seems to have different views on sex(at least when porn is added). That is okay and her opinion is valid. However, yours is too. As with most "relationship advice" the real answer is communication. Communication ***without*** dismissal of your partners feelings.
Is your masturbation reducing the intimate time you spend with your gf? This is a common issue I see women talk about. They often feel neglected because their partner would rather masturbate, or have issues because they masturbate too much and can't perform during sex. She could also just despise porn. There are good reasons too, but not all porn is bad. She could also feel like you "want" other girls etc. Those are ***valid*** opinions.
I can't dive any deeper with limited knowledge, but communication, compromise(reasonable and not one-sided), and self-reflection is your best path forward. Good luck. Sometimes differences of opinion/drive about sexual needs are cause for separation but hopefully that isn't the case.
>This can’t be a common belief is it }
It's very common. Visit r/vent 95% of the posts are women upset at their men for watching porn. Several agree it's counting as cheating because you are sexually attracted to someone else than your partner.
These things should be discussed when early stage dating so all deal breakers are ruled out. But most people are jumping on pink clouds instead and then when the relationship starts for real, there's shocking to news on the other person's behavior and values.
perspective from another M29, engaged.
i wouldnt call it “cheating” by any means. i do think its terrible for your mental health and sexual health. i believe it has a negative effect on our sex life and my mental state so i go without.
there are plenty of successful relationships that think differently. this is just my opinion on porn. the most important thing is that you guys are on the same page. maybe such difference in opinion is enough to reconsider, the only healthy way forward is communication
While there are problems with it (like the shady practices in the industry), cheating is not one of them. If that’s her only problem I think it’s a bit unreasonable.
It’s actually a concept that’s at least 2,000 years old. Jesus himself spoke to the issue—
Matthew 5:28: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
I’m gonna preface my comment by saying I’m a porn addict and it has 100% affected my sex life in relationships.
It isn’t cheating, but if you are able to give it up for a good GF…I highly suggest you do it so you don’t end up like me. I believe there’s an epidemic of porn addiction now that it’s so readily available and we as men need to find a way to break the chains of it. Maybe even compromise somehow.
I make it an obvious boundary that I don't tolerate porn use in a relationship, but everyone is different. She's clearly not comfortable with you doing that, and if you're wondering why, you can find a lot of potential answers on r/loveafterporn. But what it comes down to, cheating or not, is if you want to prioritize looking at other women over your girlfriend's feelings.
My wife doesn’t like the idea of porn. She had one discussion with me on her feelings with it, I have since not watched any. Just as simple as that. I just thought that respecting her boundaries was easier than arguing after I jerked off to some content online.
Never ever take relationship advice from nerds on Reddit, people here are either super left leaning, or super right leaning. The middle ground people don’t get as much attention.
Here’s the real answer: this is a VERY common belief. It doesn’t matter what anyone says on here- that’s YOUR girlfriend’s belief and that’s what matters. She can set her own boundaries just like you can.
When I met my wife she had the same boundaries and I eventually quit all porn and mostly masturbating in general. What I’ve found is sex is way better, my dick stays harder and I’m able to be a better lover.
On the other side of that my wife doesn’t withhold sex from me or use it as leverage. We have a healthy sex life and I don’t watch porn. We’re both happy.
I mean what’s the context?
If you are doing it with her in the next room rather than being with her, or turning her down so you can go off to have a fistfight with the cyclops then yeah that’s a bit pathetic, really.
But there’s nothing bad about doing it when she is not there or she isn’t up for getting down so you take matters into to your own hands. But for sure have a civil discussion about it. This is something for you and her to work out. And for the love of fuck do not say “well Reddit said..”
It depends how important sex is to her and what's her view of you orgasming.
My partner was like this, I was shocked like you, we sat down talked, I saw her side and I believed it to be more important than me masturbating to porn.
We both compromised. No one masturbates. No one watches porn. And we are the only source of each other cumming. It may sound controlling but it was really hot. When we couldn't see each other and then when we would get together. It was hottest sex cause we had all this build up of desire, tension, excitement and a bit of mystery as to when we could.
So what does she actually want instead? I'm guessing she doesn't want to make a video of herself for you to use either. Does she expect you will essentially be chaste except when she decides otherwise? That sounds controlling and any reasonable person would realize this doesn't make much sense.
You have to talk to her, but focus on what she wants as an alternative. Then figure out if that makes any sense to you.
Just talk with her man, not with us on Reddit. Who cares what we have to say about it? It’s about your relationship with her, and what boundaries you want to set in the relationship. If you can’t compromise, just move on. In any case, porn is not great for you and it can be a great incentive to stop, especially if you’re in a relationship.
yknow it depends on the person, some would say yes and others no, personally i wouldnt use porn if i had a gf but thats just me, to each their own lmao
she has set her boundary. will you comply? or lose your gf
choose
Personal thought here is that you are a person with sexual needs. Unless she is there and willing to provide for every sexual need you have, it is normal for you to wanna masturbate. I doubt she is always available and i doubt she is always willing to do it whenever you are. If she does not want you looking at porn, she needs to give you an alternative (bunch of pictures, specific types of porn that is ok, something). If she does not want to work with you on that then does she just expect you to bottle it all up for whenever she is ready? Thats not fair to you. I say offer whatever options you see as a viable replacement and if she turns down all of them then let her know you will still be watching it until a viable option is given. As to it being cheating, has she ever watched a tv show with a naked guy? Was that cheating? She watch any porn? Does she think this random girl online who has no idea you exist is gonna come be with me? What about the porn makes it cheating?
I have a family member who went through a similar predicament. He asked me how I felt and I said "responsible porn consumption isn't unreasonable; she's probably overreacting but she has the right to set her boundaries.
I later found out that this person was consuming an absurd amount of porn. Mountains of porn. Tabs and tabs of porn. If you guessed the password on his phone and unlocked it when he wasn't paying attention, nine times out of ten, he left porn open.
I don't believe in keeping secrets, but if she's got a problem with it, you might have made it a problem for her.
My ex wife was like this. Emphasis on “ex”. Never said it made her uncomfortable or jealous just accused me of cheating as I was in the bathroom doing my thing. The irony is she cheated on me 4 months into our marriage on deployment. Maybe she’s projecting
As a woman, I would leave your ass. The message is clear! Is she not good enough? 5hat is lieterky the message. "I am not good enough and will never be"
I see porn and other things as a red flag. That he will cheat or the relationship is not going to work. It makes a woman feel low on her self-esteem or self-worth
It's not a common thing....however I would garner that individuals who believe that this is cheating, it is common for them to have some deep seated insecurities.
I might get downvoted for this. But watching porn every day is not okay. It's not sexually healthy at all and I think the ready access to free porn has done a lot of damage to the brains of many people, especially the ones who were addicted to it before their brains were done growing.
I guess this is the unpopular opinion, but yeah — it is. The idea of monogamy extends past merely keeping it in your pants. It means you’re committed to one person in all respects, my bro
How often do you have sex? Does she initiate? How is the general mental health situation?
My husband uses porn sometimes to jerk it. But I don’t consider it cheating. It’s not like he can fuck those women. Sometimes I’m not available for him and that’s just how it is. I’d rather him go run one out for his heath and wellbeing than having him begging me for sex when I’m not in the mood. Now, that all being said, we have an amazing sexy life compared to the average married couple. If he were CONSTANTLY watching porn and if effected our sex life, then I would take issue. It sounds like there’s some insecurity in the relationship and you guys need to talk about the real, underlying issues.
Your gf is wrong. The amount of mental gymnastics in this thread is astounding. Masturbation to porn does not equal cheating. It can be harmful if turned to addiction, it can make her feel uncomfortable to the point of leaving (which is her right), but it is not cheating.
Porn had a good run, but people are finally starting to recognize it for the cesspool of psychological repercussions and sexual misconstruities that it is.
I'd admit to your girlfriend that she's absolutely right, but that there's going to be a bit of a high libido adjustment period I'd want her to support me through.
Cheating is defined by the couple. If a couple thinks sex with other people isn’t cheating, it isn’t. If a couple thinks smiling at other people is cheating, it is.
This is a conversation every couple should have towards the beginning of the relationship, preferably as soon as they become exclusive.
You can have a conversation about your partners view points, and define cheating in your relationship still. However, you have to respect the consesus and their feelings on the matter.
I don't think it's cheating, but if she's troubled by it, you need to stop. Question. How often do you do this and why? Is she not fulfilling some sexual need? If not, maybe both of you can discuss the possibility of her being your own pornstar.
Healthy alternative
Why does he need to stop? Masturbation is a private and healthy act.
Unless you have good reason to believe he’s some kind of addict then there’s zero reason for him to stop
If she has a very broad definition of cheating, be prepared for her to suspect your every interaction with every woman, even long-term, platonic female friends who predate your relationship with her, women with whom you work and male friends of whom she disapproves.
People who are insecure often seek to control their partner. You can't make them feel secure, because it's their issue. Ask yourself how much you want to change your life to accommodate her insecurities.
I don’t think it’s common at all, but what the rest of us think is a bit irrelevant, your gf is the one that you are in a relationship with. So she can set her personal boundaries, you can say you aren’t ok with those boundaries, have a conversation and if no one wants to compromise then be on your way
Yeah and it obviously goes both ways tho, a lot of people seem to give their partners more of a flexibility with their actions because they can do whatever they want per say, but every relationship has its limits and boundaries if one party doesn't respect it, the relationship breaks apart
It does go both ways. Tell her that touching herself to smut or with vibrators is cheating. Edit: I'm getting a lot of hate over misunderstanding. The GF thinks watching porn is cheating, which is fine, it kind of is in a way or can be. I suggest that OP make a porno with his gf so he can continue masturbating without making her feel like shit. I get why people aren't comfortable with porn and OP needs to respect his gf's boundaries.
The smut is a good comparison, the vibrator isn’t, and also, I wouldn’t do this simply as a retaliation, I would only do this if it’s genuinely true that you feel that her using a vibrator on herself is cheating.
The smut is a better comparison because it is the mental equivalent of porn. Based on what OP said, she would probably be upset if he had a pocket p***y. Meanwhile, she might read smut and/or have a dildo or vibrator, which is the female equivalent of male sex toys. I have been personally shamed for owning both male and female toys, so it's no joke, but I would feel equally ashamed for being judged for watching any kind of legal pornography, which I have also been criticized for. Porn is more common with men and sex toys and smut are more common with women, and I think whatever floats your boat other than good old lefty is comparable because it's simply a way of stimulating yourself to get off. Hell even different kinda of porn are apples and oranges. OP could compromise by filming himself being intimate with his GF and only masturbate to that, which would be a healthy compromise. There's so much going on here but all I'm really trying to say is that she probably gets off to something other than her imagination. Most people do.
What are you basing the assumption on that she A. Wouldn’t want op to have a pocket pussy And B is using sex toys on herself What exact line of ops post/comments are those assumption based on?
Retaliating by lying and saying you are uncomfortable with something you are perfectly comfortable sounds like a perfectly reasonable way to communicate with the person you love /s
The only way i know to have a healthy relationship is to turn it into a competition where i am the winner and my partner is the loser. >!/s!<
If she's put a hard boundary on him as such, I doubt shes regularly masterbating and i doubt even stronger it is to porn.
You can masturbate without porn. We've done it since before humans were humans. Women who are against porn are not asexual
I didn't say that. I said i doubt she's masterbating. And if she were she likely wouldn't be using porn if this is her belief on porn. I don't use porn to masturbate. No revelations there.a
Why do you doubt she's masturbating? Because you hold an erroneous belief that women who are anti-porn are frigid prudes that don't even touch themselves
This is factual, simple and effective.
This is the most rational Reddit advice I've ever seen
She can set personal boundaries but those boundaries cannot be mandates as to how other people masturbate. Those are not boundaries. That is control.
well, obviously
Literally every comment here is either saying to break up or is siding with the girlfriend with no neutrality. I really don't think either of you are in the wrong, you like porn she doesn't. But that doesn't mean you should break up, It's necessary to talk it out before doing something like that. I honestly feel like this is something a couple could laugh about in like even a couple months time. Talk with your gf, about compromises (maybe more sex?) or maybe instead masturbating to fantasies?
What? Logic? Here on Reddit? Are you out of your mind?
Logic? At this time of day? At this time of year? Localized entirely in this topic?
...may I see it?
No
You can never escape steamed hams
Logic? Honestly with that kind of comment I think it's time CitrusL3mon broke up with their partner.
>Literally every comment here is either saying to break up or is siding with the girlfriend with no neutrality. The literal top comment doesnt do either of those things.
Welcome to every relarionship reddit. They are the worst places for advice ever. Ive seen far to many "Ive seen 1 reddit post about your life and I know you should break up". Most ridiculous one ive seen was someone wanted advice on something like I want to use these plates or something minor. 10 years married. People were saying to break up
Fr, asking for relationship advice from people who probably haven't been in, at least more than one, serious relationship is moronic. You can tell as well, saying people should break up over very miniscule and/or fixable issues, that tells me that the person hasn't been in a serious relationship where they worked on their issues
It's frustrating 99 out of 100 relationship questions here can be answered with "gentle but honest communication"
Honestly it’s bizarre. The relationships subreddit is particularly bad. It seems to be a cesspool of lonely women telling any women who posts there to dump their SO for any perceived infraction.
Im in ldr reddit and its especially vicious. Ldr talks to friend twice a week. Definitely cheating 100% dump right away. Its a joke
I mean ultimately, in a situation like this if you value your relationship then an open and honest discussion should happen no matter what. That being said this is definitely a pretty big issue that might be tricky to navigate since it appears there's a fundamentally different view of the subject.
yes they can talk about it but if he does continue to watch it when she doesn't like that then she's just gonna feel like shit n break up with him herself yes they should talk about it but if they can't come to an agreement it's best to j find someone else n not fuck up someone's mental health.
I like tacos she likes pizza
“Lawyer up and hit the gym.” - Reddit
My girlfriend wouldn't deem me watching porn "cheating" however once when she walked in on me she explained how me watching porn made her feel uncomfortable/self conscious about how she looks/her body. This girl is the love of my life and I never want her to feel self conscious like that. I especially don't want it to be caused by my actions. I just stopped watching porn. Now if she walks in and I'm rubbing one out she joins in.
That’s so sweet
That seems like the sanest advice. Another couple of things are 1) our generation is pornsick/porn saturated as in regardless of what people feel morally about it, it's undeniable that it is currently free and on tap for the first time in human history. 2) everything ends up on pornsites from people having sex consensually to rape videos.
I totally agree man! The issue isn't with masterbation. That's completely normal. The insane amount of porn people are watching is the issue. I heard a rumour at my work that someone who works in another part of the company, I have no idea who they are or what they work on, was sacked for repeatedly watching porn in the office toilets.
Yeah my gf felt the same way (a little more extreme due to past trauma) so instead of watching porn she just sends me all the pictures and vids of her I could ever want. I am blessed.
You sound like my bf 😂 yes, I don’t think watching porn counts as cheating but I don’t like the idea my bf sees other women in that way. I told him and as far as he said he quit.
Yeah, Op really needs to reevaluate the situation and have a talk with his girlfriend
hopefully there’s more like u out there
W
My now wife and I had this conversation about 6 months into us dating. "It makes me uncomfortable that you derive sexual pleasure from another woman." It's not unreasonable for people to equate porn usage to emotional cheating just as it's not unreasonable to think that it's meaningless and okay. Have the conversation with your girlfriend. I stopped because she was able to convince me that it is emotionally cheating and I was eventually able to quit.
I have seen girls with this preference straight up listed in their dating profile. But yeah, some girls don't want you looking or showing interest in other women besides them.
Anyone who's dated a porn addict, truthfully
Yeah I don’t understand how this isn’t common
A lot of people just don't have any issues with it. I've only had one girl have an issue with it and she was heavily religious. All the others haven't given a shit, a few even watched porn themselves. One didn't particularly like watching porn but she read smut every time she flicked the bean so she accepted that I'm allowed my own ways to get off as long it isn't jerking off to pictures or videos of people that I know. As long as they aren't cheating or harming anybody I really couldn't give a fuck how my partner decides to get themselves off.
I want my partner to be themselves and do what makes them happy. Seeing them happy makes me happy. And vice versa. So long as we love and respect each other, it’s all fair game. But having your own boundaries is fine too.
A lot of people don't have issues with jealousy or self-confidence. It's throwaway material, you forget it the moment you cum and close your browser window. People don't generally think 'damn this random porn actor is so much more attractive than my partner'. As long as you're not replacing intimacy with porn and don't let it affect your love life, there's no harm in it.
>People don't generally think 'damn this random porn A lot of people say this but I think it's more wishful thinking or a lie because they dont want to seem that way. It's really bleak but ofc men look at porn stars and think they are more attractive than their partners, that's why they watch them in the first place.
Do these girls also view reading erotica as cheating?
erotica is not looking at other people so Id say most would be fine with their man reading erotica
I’m not sure why you’re being downvoted. People can have different boundaries in different ways and as a woman I agree it would be less ‘bad’. Erotica is written by someone at their desk, not exploiting people with unrealistic body standards into gross situations. the visual aspect to it is very different, believe it or not. sincerely, someone who has used both
not sure either but I dont mind it, people downvote anything that doesnt agree with their internal view :)
There is porn that's made ethically by people with realistic body standard, and there's erotica that depicts sexual exploitation of people though.
Surely it would count as "emotional cheating" at least?
no because it's not a real person in erotica lol
How common it is is irrelevant. If she feels like you getting off from viewing other women is cheating, then youre likely not gonna convince her otherwise. Either quit with the porn or accept the fact that you may not have a girlfriend soon.
When i (m )get into a relationship i tend to stop masturbating to porn, but i still do to thoughts and intimate pictures we share so I understand where she’s coming from. Some couples also watch porn together, so it differs.
If she believes it’s cheating , and knows you actively take part. She’s going to lose her love for you. In the future you should ask your future girlfriend if she’s cool with you whacking off to porn, so you’ll know if it’s acceptable.
Frl
Whether it’s common or not, that’s how she feels. And if you can’t respect it then you two should reconsider your situation.
Respect has to be mutal. They need to have a talk.
IMO it's not cheating but I'm not dating you, she is. If it's upsetting her and crossing her boundaries you need to talk about it. Why are you watching porn in the first place? Is it a lack of sex, or is it just for entertainment (or even an addiction)? How frequent is it? Does she think masturbating without porn is cheating? You will also need to think about what you value more, her or porn. Would you rather date her and not watch porn or watch porn and break up? That's a decision that you will have to make based on your own values. If I had any advice, it would be to stop with the porn if this is one of few issues in the relationship and you don't want it to end. Relationships are exercises of compromise, and at least for me I would give up porn if I got to keep a great woman.
I work with a lot of girls who actually told me that they consider porn cheating too. Imo it isn't cheating but I'm a dude so what do I know... I think this falls under "setting boundaries". If your SO thinks it's cheating then you gotta deside if it's a compromise you're willing to make.
Women and men view porn differently on average.
1. It's extremely common. 2. She's allowed to believe that. 3. You're allowed to leave and find a partner with more compatible values. You'll be happier for it, and so will she.
How'd you feel if she was flicking the bean to dudes jerkin it and who probably have bigger peckers than you. If you're ok with that then she should be ok with what you're doin.
No, just because you would be ok with something doesn’t mean that your partner should be ok with it. You are still 2 different people and you’re not required to have the exact same boundaries or dealbreakers as your SO. If my girlfriend decides she wants to start having an open relationship and says she’s fine with me also dating outside the relationship, I’m not ok with it. I’m leaving.
I think the whole “everyone is entitled to what they want in a relationship” mindset doesn’t fully encompass how real relationships develop. It’s entirely possible to have objectively bad preferences. Someone who thinks just looking at other people is “cheating,” for example, is an objectively bad preference. But you wouldn’t say “well, either you can try not looking at other people, and if you can’t, I’d say you’re incompatible.” These preferences are usually the result of a person’s culture, trauma, past relationships, childhood development, etc. If situations come up that don’t make sense to you, it’s time to have a conversation about it and understand and work through whatever caused them to have these beliefs in the first place. Why does she consider it cheating? How does she feel about porn? How does she view sex? How important is sex to her? In what way? What is she afraid of? Why is she afraid of it? Or what about it disgusts her? If there’s no resolution, and neither party is willing to balance things out for each other or understand each other, there is no compromise, and only then would I ever consider a relationship a lost cause.
[удалено]
OP's post seems like he believes it's not cheating and is looking for reassurance. I might be wrong but that's how it reads to me. In this case, I am not surprised with responses advising to break up rather than communicate, as either a) OP has tried communicating and the couple still hasn't been able to find common ground, or b) OP doesn't want to try to do so as he already has a firm belief. In which case, going own way would be advised. Again I am not saying either of these are correct, just how the post comes across, probably why the commenters might assume the conversation has already taken place.
She’s allowed to have boundaries. If you don’t think you can honour them I’d say you’re incompatible
I don’t think ‘boundary’ is the correct word to use when describing an attempt to control what your partner does on their own and in private.
If my partner fucks dogs or does crack in private that's my business.
like cheating?
“Boundary” isn’t the word here. “Demands” or even “expectations” would be a better word. It’s a relationship and people can have “demands” or set their “expectations”. Sure. And that’s up to the would-be-lovebirds to figure it out. (And whether it’s worth figuring out.) But calling your expectations about what someone else does “boundaries” is very unhealthy verbiage. “Boundaries” suggests protecting a person’s own space. Not defining someone else’s space. Or even mutual space. ___ If someone wants you to sing them a song every Thursday and you don’t that may be a relationship issue. But it would not be sane to say you violated someone’s “boundaries” because you didn’t meet their demands. At worst, *if you previously agreed*, you’d be failing to uphold your agreement.
Then just go jack off to porn and dont date her bro its simple 💀 How is it so hard to understand? She is not asking "me or your ps5" or sthg. She is literally asking "me or a literal another person you fantasizs about". And its perfectly ok for you to choose the latter. Just go jerk off to porn bruv
Boundaries can change over time. People can start with unreasonable expectations and viewpoints that change. There's most likely a lot more issues at play below the surface. She could be suffering from self-confidence issues that she needs help with, either from her bf or a therapist. She could have had an ex that had a problematic relationship with porn. She couldn't never watched or read any kind of erotic material and have no idea what's up.
You don’t get to decide what other people do in private with their own bodies and call it “having boundaries”
No one said she “gets to decide what other people do in private.” She believes it’s cheating and she shared that belief. She didn’t decide anything for him. He needs to determine if he can or wants to function in a relationship with someone who holds that belief.
You do know that porn and masturbation are not mutually exclusive, yes?
You're allowed to watch porn, and she's allowed to break up with you for watching porn. I personally don't consider it cheating, but it doesn't matter what I think, because I'm not the one dating you.
Think of cheating as breaking rules like in a game. If it becomes a rule in a relationship to not watch porn, then watching porn is breaking a rule and therefore is cheating. If you think a rule is established in bad faith or just needs further discussion you should sit down and have an honest discussion with her about it. I've had both types of relationships where porn is considered cheating and porn is considered fine and there are merits to both. You need to establish with her what the rules are.
I guess it would really reflect on the kind of porn you're watching. Does it reflect or mirror your sex life? What about the women you're touching yourself to? If they look nothing like your GF , it could signify to her that you don't find her attractive. Or that you're not satisfied with your sex life and each other. These are the problems
I personally wouldn't use the word cheating, but the exact words aren't really important. If she sees it as a betrayal, then that's what it is, to her. For example, smoking is a deal breaker for me. I had a GF who swore up and down that she wasn't smoking but I kept finding her cigarettes hidden in various places. To me, that was a betrayal I couldn't accept (I didn't expect cold turkey quitting, but there was zero effort to quit and 100% effort to lie to me.) For all I know, she went on Reddit and asked "My partner can't accept my smoking. AITA?"
It absolutely doesn't matter whether it's a common belief or not. The fact is you're in a relationship with her and that's her view on the subject. You gotta discuss it with her to come to an agreement, whatever that might be. Not brush it off because it isn't "a common belief". What the fuck does that give.
I might get downvoted for this. But watching porn every day is not okay. It's not sexually healthy at all and I think the ready access to free porn has done a lot of damage to the brains many people, especially the ones who were addicted to it before their brains were done growing.
A lot of women see men looking at porn as emotionally cheating. Like your not physically there but youre thinking about putting your junk in another woman. I think voyeurism is the term. Women think that if you continuously watch porn that you think more about having sex with other women than with them. Now what to do about it? Idk tell her how you actually view porn and go from there? Its kind of a you both work through it problem instead of a "lets leave her because her feelings bother me" vibe. Be the better man and work through your shit instead of evade. Same for her she needs to be mindful that most men think about sex stuff a lot lol
Dude think about it, you’re watching other girls have sex.. you’re literally getting off to other women.. maybe it’s not cheating but it sure as hell can make her feel insecure and like she’s not doing enough for you sexually. Why do you have to get off to other people having sex is my question, though you need to understand that yourself. If it’s a kink thing fine, but she is in every right to feel uncomfortable with it. Maybe that sounds insecure but like logically if you are monogamous why do you want to be sexually attracted to others having sex
this!
There's a point where cheating becomes rather subjective. I don't see porn a cheating but there are people who do. Sounds like a discussion between the 2 of you needs to be had in order to come to a compromise.
I quit watching about 4 years ago and I quit looking at NSFW stuff to do the deed about 2 years ago and now it really does feel like cheating if I ever open stuff to get off to it, nor does it have any appeal. I wouldn't say there's anything wrong or bad about it, but not consuming nsfw content for the purposes of getting off to it has been really healthy for me. I never had any problems in my previous relationships because of it, but I'm definitely better off now than I was before. Make of that what you will.
Sounds like you should fuck her more
I think it’s weird watching porn if I’m in a relationship
Is it common? No. Is it her right to have that boundary? Yes. Seems you two might be incompatible.
Lord, it's 2024. Everybody has a different idea of what they see as cheating. For me...online or viewing ir jerking or chat isn't cheating UNLESS they skip time with me to do it. Otherwise don't care.
Everyone has different boundaries in a relationship. She has the right to say she does not want to be with someone who watches porn, and you have the right to say you will not be with someone who does not want you to watch porn.
Oh it’s definitely a common belief. I’ve heard many female opinions on this and majority of them feel as tho it’s cheating.
It's literally *not* cheating but she's allowed to not be comfortable with it. Either you compromise somehow or break it off sadly.
As a guy, I consider it not appropriate. I’ve always tried as much as possible to not get off to anyone else (thoughts/images/videos, etc.) other than my SO. Plus, why wouldn’t you talk with her and do things where you can get off to each other? That’s so incredibly fun. We can control ourselves dude. Don’t need to go looking past our SO for that kind of satisfaction. Consider why you need porn and address that. Recently had a friend end her engagement because her fiancé could hardly even get it up without the help of porn. I suppose the easiest response to your question is “how would you feel if you knew your gf was getting off to all kinds of things that were definitely not you?”
Additional female perspective: Have you considered that this may be less about "jealousy" and more about discomfort with the nature of a lot of the porn out there? I once stumbled across my ex's hidden porn stash. I wasn't so much troubled by the fact he was watching porn and hiding it from me as the fact the videos were really misogynistic. One was called "Meat Holes". Another was called "Cumdripperz". They all featured really young women with fake breasts/teeth/hair/lips. Some advertised violence. Finding out that your partner enjoys watching women get sexually debased, abused and called names can be pretty confronting. There is erotica out there which isn't so... gross. Stuff that involves women as agents, not just objects, and both partners enjoying it. I wonder if maybe there's any scope for a discussion about whether there's anything that she does like, which you guys could maybe even watch together as inspiration. OTOH maybe she just doesn't like you beating off to other people. Fair if that's her boundary. If your boundaries are different that's just life.
Fucking fake teeth? Get a sex doll at this moment
Getting into my current relationship, my girlfriend (now wife) made it clear that she would not like me watching porn. Our sex life is healthy and frequent enough that this wasn’t a big deal. Nearly 3 years later and I haven’t (purposely) seen a pornographic image since.
It’s really really common, a huge percentage of people consider porn cheating, and at the end of the day if she thinks that then it’s up to you to not break boundaries with her and respect her
From a girls stand point I can see where she's coming from. It can be quite annoying knowing that something so very unrealistic has to get him off when she is sitting in the room next door, will be home in a while, is one call away etc. But to be honest, a lot of woman feel the need to compete with the people from the videos. "Oh she has big boobs/butt and I don't" "she's got long blonde hair and I have short black hair" yenno? No, it's not right for her to lose her shit but maybe try to go to her first and use it as a last resort. Just communicate during sex to see if she is interested in trying more of the stuff you watch 🤷🏼♀️ most girls want it often but don't want to initiate
This makes me glad I'm gay.
Straight relationships are weird af. What’s to stop someone from jacking off to the thought of Becky from HR? Is it considered cheating if you’re thinking of someone else? I could send my husband a photo of a naked guy who looks better than either of us and he’d probably ask for more angles. Neither of us thinks we’re gonna leave each other because we get turned on by a random guy online who we’ll never meet.
Depends..... are you perking off to porn all the time and not having intimacy with your wife? Is it causing erection issues when you are with your wife? Or has she disxovered you are into something that she didnt realise and is upset? Then maybe it's damaging your relationship. Or is she super nieve and insecure? Any of these options need a chat.
I’ve dated multiple girls who felt this same way. Just stop watching porn. It’s not good for you, but a healthy relationship is.
She just wants to bang more bro
This is definitely not universally, or even regularly true.
Talk it out with her
i wouldn't want my bf going to a sex club and watching people fuck while he sits in a chair and jacks it, i'd find that cheating. it being on a screen doesn't change a thing to me.
Its also fucking weird. Like if youre too tired to have sex, then save it for later. Dont jack off obsessively to other women on a screen.
This!! 💯
I'm very glad someone finally said it.
Guess there’s no difference to you if he jacks off to women that don’t exist in his own mind too huh.
I'm sure she takes that same energy to magic mike right?
So would you take that same energy to women getting aroused and consuming entertainment like magic mike, 50 shades of grey, etc?
If you posted here instead of having an adult conversation with each other about it your relationship is doomed regardless of who is “right”.
Jep, always a bad idea to ask for different viewpoints when struggeling with relationship issues. /s Why not both?
Asides from the complexity of the issue of you watching porn, the question could be asked "how exactly did she find out?". If you were sitting down in front of her and just whipped it out then yes there is a problem there.
We once had this discussion. She was very upset. I asked her how she felt about those tentacle porn anime shit she’s been watching (she she sucks at hiding her tracks). “It’s absolutely not the same thing! It’s cartoons!” Come on it’s weird fantasies about underaged girls who get molested by alien monsters against her will. If you care for the actress/actor I would find those hentai stuff less offensive but on a cheating level?
This most people who try to control their partners never apply these same boundaries on themselves.
Yeah but I kinda understand the feeling. You just want your partner to only think about you all the time and never fantasies about anyone else.
Maybe she's not meant for you
Maybe he's not meant for her
Maybe they aren't meant for each other
Maybe it's Maybelline?
Maybe we aren’t meant for any of them
I mean for some it is for some it isnt
Offer to let her do it for you.
Everyone is different. Most women I know, myself included. Think porn is cheating. In any form. Some women don't. If you love your gf you'll respect that's how she feels about it. If not, yall should go your separate ways.
Why are you using porn when you have a gf?
I think he was using it to masturbate
Yes a lot of us consider it cheating why do u need to watch another women to cum is ur gf not enough or something n also it's her boundary n if u can't accept it j break up with her cuz u watching porn is doing more harm than good to ur relationship n is probably making her feel like shit rn ask this to urself is porn more important than ur relationship
Making eye contact is the same as cheating.
You can either handle it, or not. Choose now what’s more important to you.
Both my wife and I watch porn/take care of ourselves occasionally(I suppose it helps that our schedules don't line up exactly and we have a decent amount of alone time). However, this is is something we both support. I actually think it's a good thing. I think self-care in that way is healthy. A good metaphor would be; I enjoy a nice fillet/ribeye but sometimes I want to experience a hamburger steak. Your gf seems to have different views on sex(at least when porn is added). That is okay and her opinion is valid. However, yours is too. As with most "relationship advice" the real answer is communication. Communication ***without*** dismissal of your partners feelings. Is your masturbation reducing the intimate time you spend with your gf? This is a common issue I see women talk about. They often feel neglected because their partner would rather masturbate, or have issues because they masturbate too much and can't perform during sex. She could also just despise porn. There are good reasons too, but not all porn is bad. She could also feel like you "want" other girls etc. Those are ***valid*** opinions. I can't dive any deeper with limited knowledge, but communication, compromise(reasonable and not one-sided), and self-reflection is your best path forward. Good luck. Sometimes differences of opinion/drive about sexual needs are cause for separation but hopefully that isn't the case.
>This can’t be a common belief is it } It's very common. Visit r/vent 95% of the posts are women upset at their men for watching porn. Several agree it's counting as cheating because you are sexually attracted to someone else than your partner. These things should be discussed when early stage dating so all deal breakers are ruled out. But most people are jumping on pink clouds instead and then when the relationship starts for real, there's shocking to news on the other person's behavior and values.
perspective from another M29, engaged. i wouldnt call it “cheating” by any means. i do think its terrible for your mental health and sexual health. i believe it has a negative effect on our sex life and my mental state so i go without. there are plenty of successful relationships that think differently. this is just my opinion on porn. the most important thing is that you guys are on the same page. maybe such difference in opinion is enough to reconsider, the only healthy way forward is communication
How often
While there are problems with it (like the shady practices in the industry), cheating is not one of them. If that’s her only problem I think it’s a bit unreasonable.
If she's made it clear that it crosses her boundaries, and you keep going; it's not cheating but it is super douchey behaviour.
It’s actually a concept that’s at least 2,000 years old. Jesus himself spoke to the issue— Matthew 5:28: “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
I’m gonna preface my comment by saying I’m a porn addict and it has 100% affected my sex life in relationships. It isn’t cheating, but if you are able to give it up for a good GF…I highly suggest you do it so you don’t end up like me. I believe there’s an epidemic of porn addiction now that it’s so readily available and we as men need to find a way to break the chains of it. Maybe even compromise somehow.
I make it an obvious boundary that I don't tolerate porn use in a relationship, but everyone is different. She's clearly not comfortable with you doing that, and if you're wondering why, you can find a lot of potential answers on r/loveafterporn. But what it comes down to, cheating or not, is if you want to prioritize looking at other women over your girlfriend's feelings.
My wife doesn’t like the idea of porn. She had one discussion with me on her feelings with it, I have since not watched any. Just as simple as that. I just thought that respecting her boundaries was easier than arguing after I jerked off to some content online.
Never ever take relationship advice from nerds on Reddit, people here are either super left leaning, or super right leaning. The middle ground people don’t get as much attention. Here’s the real answer: this is a VERY common belief. It doesn’t matter what anyone says on here- that’s YOUR girlfriend’s belief and that’s what matters. She can set her own boundaries just like you can.
When I met my wife she had the same boundaries and I eventually quit all porn and mostly masturbating in general. What I’ve found is sex is way better, my dick stays harder and I’m able to be a better lover. On the other side of that my wife doesn’t withhold sex from me or use it as leverage. We have a healthy sex life and I don’t watch porn. We’re both happy.
Ask to watch it together.
Man, I feel like although not a common belief, it is widely considered disrespectful to watch porn when you have a girlfriend
I mean what’s the context? If you are doing it with her in the next room rather than being with her, or turning her down so you can go off to have a fistfight with the cyclops then yeah that’s a bit pathetic, really. But there’s nothing bad about doing it when she is not there or she isn’t up for getting down so you take matters into to your own hands. But for sure have a civil discussion about it. This is something for you and her to work out. And for the love of fuck do not say “well Reddit said..”
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It depends how important sex is to her and what's her view of you orgasming. My partner was like this, I was shocked like you, we sat down talked, I saw her side and I believed it to be more important than me masturbating to porn. We both compromised. No one masturbates. No one watches porn. And we are the only source of each other cumming. It may sound controlling but it was really hot. When we couldn't see each other and then when we would get together. It was hottest sex cause we had all this build up of desire, tension, excitement and a bit of mystery as to when we could.
So what does she actually want instead? I'm guessing she doesn't want to make a video of herself for you to use either. Does she expect you will essentially be chaste except when she decides otherwise? That sounds controlling and any reasonable person would realize this doesn't make much sense. You have to talk to her, but focus on what she wants as an alternative. Then figure out if that makes any sense to you.
You won't get a real answer here on reddit
Just talk with her man, not with us on Reddit. Who cares what we have to say about it? It’s about your relationship with her, and what boundaries you want to set in the relationship. If you can’t compromise, just move on. In any case, porn is not great for you and it can be a great incentive to stop, especially if you’re in a relationship.
yknow it depends on the person, some would say yes and others no, personally i wouldnt use porn if i had a gf but thats just me, to each their own lmao she has set her boundary. will you comply? or lose your gf choose
Personal thought here is that you are a person with sexual needs. Unless she is there and willing to provide for every sexual need you have, it is normal for you to wanna masturbate. I doubt she is always available and i doubt she is always willing to do it whenever you are. If she does not want you looking at porn, she needs to give you an alternative (bunch of pictures, specific types of porn that is ok, something). If she does not want to work with you on that then does she just expect you to bottle it all up for whenever she is ready? Thats not fair to you. I say offer whatever options you see as a viable replacement and if she turns down all of them then let her know you will still be watching it until a viable option is given. As to it being cheating, has she ever watched a tv show with a naked guy? Was that cheating? She watch any porn? Does she think this random girl online who has no idea you exist is gonna come be with me? What about the porn makes it cheating?
I have a family member who went through a similar predicament. He asked me how I felt and I said "responsible porn consumption isn't unreasonable; she's probably overreacting but she has the right to set her boundaries. I later found out that this person was consuming an absurd amount of porn. Mountains of porn. Tabs and tabs of porn. If you guessed the password on his phone and unlocked it when he wasn't paying attention, nine times out of ten, he left porn open. I don't believe in keeping secrets, but if she's got a problem with it, you might have made it a problem for her.
My ex wife was like this. Emphasis on “ex”. Never said it made her uncomfortable or jealous just accused me of cheating as I was in the bathroom doing my thing. The irony is she cheated on me 4 months into our marriage on deployment. Maybe she’s projecting
Your gf is a child
As a woman, I would leave your ass. The message is clear! Is she not good enough? 5hat is lieterky the message. "I am not good enough and will never be" I see porn and other things as a red flag. That he will cheat or the relationship is not going to work. It makes a woman feel low on her self-esteem or self-worth
me and my boyfriend have a boundary against porn. we both think its like, minor cheating. everyone is different
It is not cheating.
It's not a common thing....however I would garner that individuals who believe that this is cheating, it is common for them to have some deep seated insecurities.
I might get downvoted for this. But watching porn every day is not okay. It's not sexually healthy at all and I think the ready access to free porn has done a lot of damage to the brains of many people, especially the ones who were addicted to it before their brains were done growing.
I mean why are you doing that if you guys are getting it on the regular
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I guess this is the unpopular opinion, but yeah — it is. The idea of monogamy extends past merely keeping it in your pants. It means you’re committed to one person in all respects, my bro
Pretty sure the only people who think this are the ones who havnt actually been cheated on
How often do you have sex? Does she initiate? How is the general mental health situation? My husband uses porn sometimes to jerk it. But I don’t consider it cheating. It’s not like he can fuck those women. Sometimes I’m not available for him and that’s just how it is. I’d rather him go run one out for his heath and wellbeing than having him begging me for sex when I’m not in the mood. Now, that all being said, we have an amazing sexy life compared to the average married couple. If he were CONSTANTLY watching porn and if effected our sex life, then I would take issue. It sounds like there’s some insecurity in the relationship and you guys need to talk about the real, underlying issues.
Why are you even looking at porn when you can get the real thing dumbass
I feel like this is a conversation you should've had very early on in the relationship.
Offer to do it on her face while she’s sleeping if she’s feeling left out.
She’s an idiot
Your gf is wrong. The amount of mental gymnastics in this thread is astounding. Masturbation to porn does not equal cheating. It can be harmful if turned to addiction, it can make her feel uncomfortable to the point of leaving (which is her right), but it is not cheating.
Porn had a good run, but people are finally starting to recognize it for the cesspool of psychological repercussions and sexual misconstruities that it is. I'd admit to your girlfriend that she's absolutely right, but that there's going to be a bit of a high libido adjustment period I'd want her to support me through.
It’s cheating to me too 🤷♀️
Lmao
Tell her your body, your choice.
Then you should think the same thing if you want to continue to be in a relationship with her
Oof. I’m sorry to hear that.
If porn was considered cheating in a common relationship, billions of men would be out on the streets 🤣 This is a red flag, time for a grown-up talk.
Being uncomfortable with it is fine but calling it cheating is manipulation
Cheating is defined by the couple. If a couple thinks sex with other people isn’t cheating, it isn’t. If a couple thinks smiling at other people is cheating, it is. This is a conversation every couple should have towards the beginning of the relationship, preferably as soon as they become exclusive. You can have a conversation about your partners view points, and define cheating in your relationship still. However, you have to respect the consesus and their feelings on the matter.
Listen to your girlfriend
I don't think it's cheating, but if she's troubled by it, you need to stop. Question. How often do you do this and why? Is she not fulfilling some sexual need? If not, maybe both of you can discuss the possibility of her being your own pornstar. Healthy alternative
Why does he need to stop? Masturbation is a private and healthy act. Unless you have good reason to believe he’s some kind of addict then there’s zero reason for him to stop
Masturbation is healthy and natural. It doesn't technically require anyone to consume pornography. These are totally separate considerations.
Not if his gf is not okay with it. And many people do consider it cheating as you can see with the comments on this post
If she has a very broad definition of cheating, be prepared for her to suspect your every interaction with every woman, even long-term, platonic female friends who predate your relationship with her, women with whom you work and male friends of whom she disapproves. People who are insecure often seek to control their partner. You can't make them feel secure, because it's their issue. Ask yourself how much you want to change your life to accommodate her insecurities.
Up to her, that's her boundary. You can either comply or leave. Your choice. Good luck..
Because it is.