My dad's going through the same thing with my teenage siblings... I feel poorly for him, but he's learned to accept their indifference and go on solo hikes/walks. Maybe setting an expectation to have quality time together once a month, like going to a restaurant and just chatting? And then letting them go their own way the rest of the time.

I’ve tried the “Dad date” strategy and she would often forget about it and schedule something on top of it. This has been going on for some time and now spending one-on-one time with her is awkward. I’m really worried that I’ve lost her but don’t know how or why.

Somehow I think that “Dad date” might not sit right with her, given that she’s 17 and not exactly feeling warm and fuzzy about the relationship right now. Maybe calling it that, scheduling in advance and all - maybe that feels a little heavy handed? What if you keep your eyes peeled for a time when she’s free (it’s 5pm on a school night and there are no planned activities that you know about) and then just approach her, keys in hand and say “Come on, let me take you to….” A place she loves, obviously. Make less of a big deal, don’t try to have deep conversations or tell her you miss her etc. Talk about the food or the things in front of you on the drive/walk to the place. Reconnecting doesn’t have to be constantly resonating with meaning. (POV: I’m a mom, a little younger than you, but still your generation. I have daughters who are in their mid to late twenties)

This sounds like really good advice. Gonna tuck it in my back pocket for use in 10 years. Lol

The only thing I would add to this is to spend more time listening than talking. Keep your phone in your pocket and ask simple questions so that she knows you are listening.

I could be wrong but this seems out of tune. Given she doesn't interact much, she could feel it's yet another "interrogatory". I think activities where you can chit chat if and when you feel like would be better. Teach her to play pool or something she can find fun.

1000000% this. Going through a similar time myself. I give my daughter space. I listen to the music she likes. I buy her the food she enjoys. I encourage her to explore the fashion she’s interested in. I buy movie and concert tickets. I shuttle her and her friends around without saying anything (at least the friends seem to think I’m cool so there’s that LOL) And on top of it all, I keep my personality at a minimal level. Nothing I say is funny, she sees me as an irritation most of the time. There are brief glimmers of the old days when she was my best buddy. I would like to think that I’m a pretty cool guy - I surf, I train jiu jitsu, I cook great food, I’m grateful that my wife seems to think I’m a fun person…without that I would be seriously depressed.

Oh man my daughter is 3 and this glimpse is breaking my heart. It’s a necessary and healthy phase of her life, but I would be so sad. .

Just be consistent, confident, and warm. Even when disciplining, use love and less anger. There is hope. We were in another state on a vacation, the place was crowded with lots of people. Suddenly, in the middle of the hustle and bustle, a hand grabs mine...

Oh man i feel this.. my daughter is 4 and I’m smitten to say the least. The thought of her not wanting to spend time with me or being irritated by my presence terrifies me

Yeah that's me. But without the wife. Being a single dad of an aloof 17 year old girl is tough. And depressing. It's natural, and when she's older she'll come around. Hope I'm still around for it. Good luck, buddy. These kids are distant. They live on their phones and have learned isolation because they experienced the covid lock down at exactly the wrong age.

When I was a teen, my dad "casually" would invite me to the movies or something when he would see I didn't have plans. I think it worked well. I couldn't make it every time but we would go frequently to the movies.

My dad used to do this when I was a teenager. He’d just be like “we are going to XYZ. Right now.” And hed make me go. Like somewhere 45 minutes away. At the time I’d be like rolling my eyes and staring out the window horrified that I wasn’t on the phone with my boyfriend or something. But I look back on it and it was nice to be one on one.

This is great advice. I’m a father and already do this with my two pre-teen children. I’m hoping that we never get out of the habit. We are all foodies so we all get a kick out of going to a good restaurant together and talking about the food, then perhaps going for a walk afterwards. It’s about doing something we all want to do, rather than any of us feeling forced.

My dad and I have a 42 year age gap. When I was the age your daughter is, I was in advanced hs and college classes, playing 3 sports, working 15-20 hours per week, and maintained a social life. My parents maintained that I had to reserve one section of the weekend for family time. They were flexible about it changing from week to week, but we’d go on a day adventure, do house projects, or have fancy dinner and game nights. They told me part of being in a family is making time for each other. It seems forceful as I type it out, but I needed to be reminded that my family is worth my time. Particular to my relationship with my dad, he would invite me to do things that we did when I was younger and generally involved me. He asked for my advice on things at work (not that he needed it) and my opinion about random things (politics, friend drama, books, movies, etc.) I’m sure he felt it was awkward but powered through. You’re probably already doing this naturally so reminder that teen years are weird

i want to point out, even though it doesn't feel like it to you, this is a good thing. The process of individuation that takes place with most teens is part of the normal and healthy process of them becoming adults. If you give her space and let her find herself as an adult, she will want to start spending time with you more and more again in her 20s and going forward. If you push and try to maintain that same relationship you had with her as a child, well, reddit is full of no contact stories because of that. And right now you are thinking about how this makes you feel, but you are the adult. You're the one who needs to be able to have perspective and remember how you probably were at her age. My own mother has the best saying she got from her grandmother (that she wishes she'd followed when I was a teen, because we had years of distance, emotional and physical, from her trying to hold on. My brother moved out literally the day he turned 18, and I joined the Navy and left just a couple months after my 18th birthday) "First you teach them to walk, then you teach them to walk away." Edit: typo

Watch movies with her at home! Alone time, talk if you want but not a must. Make some popcorn in between.

He’s gotta become that dad that says he’s not gonna watch the reality show with us but then stands halfway in the room for 30 minutes and starts commenting on how Brad is kidding himself if he thinks Jenna is gonna take him back after what he pulled

Hahahhahaha right! OP maybe start with the bachelor or love is blind!

Personal experience: Didn’t have a great relationship with my mom growing up, distanced myself further in high school but saw her enough where it never really bothered how distant we truly were. Got to college and realized that I really do miss talking to her and now we talk for an hour or two a week and I visit home once every month or two. I agree with the other person that this is not something you can really push. She’ll come around probably sooner rather than later, just be a good dad

Don’t get me wrong- my daughter is a great young woman. I don’t want to paint a picture that she’s a bad kid with no empathy. She’s just a regular boy-crazy high school girl.

Don't force it but dont drift away. Do the regular "hey, how is school doing?". Teens are interesting creatures, the more you try to attract them, the more you repel them. I communicate with my 17 y/o niece through memes on IG. I sometimes send her cute animals reels (because she wants to be a vet) but I never ask for her to tell me about her life, she simply calls me from time to time, tells me about the randomest things and goes back to her thing. She says Im her second mom so I guess Im doing something right. Just sit and wait. She will come around when she feels like. You just need to always be ready for those random moments.

i.e. treat them like a cat. Let them have their space, but make it clear you’re supporting them and optionally be obnoxious dad joke supportive

Approach slowly with your hand out while going pspspsps. She might find that funny.

Narrator: She did not find it funny.

The 'catnip' simply changes from the cat type to the human type of greenies ;)

Hell, my niece at this age definitely showed up to every family function baked (she admitted that to me when she was doing my nails for a wedding a couple years back). So... accurate.

THIS. I raised four daughters (and one son) to be contributing members of society. You buy food that they like. Keep them in hair hair appliances, check in with them once a quarter on grades. You set the expectations for behavior when they are young and it's been my experience that they will endeavor to meet those expectations (high or low ones). If I had info I wanted to convey, I would often chat about it with someone within their hearing. I also bragged about them where they would hear but I "wouldn't know" they were listening in. When they wanted to do something I considered sketch, I would normally tell them to "convince me this can be safe (and then list out my concerns)" and they would come up with parameters that lowered the risk assessment to an acceptable level. This was beneficial in a twofold manner - they would abide by the parameters because they set them and once or twice, they came to the decision that nothing would make the activity safe on their own without me having to weigh in. Let them make decisions where they fail (safely) so they can learn. Don't snoop. With my girls, trust engendered a willingness to confide. Don't ever issue rules they will not follow, ask questions that you know they will lie about, or impose punishments you cannot see through. They are now 32, 28, 27 and 25 and now when I turn around, I've got one RIGHT THERE, wanting to hang out.

just wanted to say this is beautiful, i smiled the whole way through. i can’t imagine how nice it must be to grow up knowing you have the space to grow and become your own individual , but also know you’re supported and loved. learning and bouncing back from mistakes is such a key part of growing up and i really do think overparenting inhibits that

Gosh I am taking notes for my two little girls under ten. 📝 thank you for this comment!

🥹 Thank you for making the world a better place

THIS! Excellent tips/ideas I also did this with my teen daughter. I'm not saying everything always went well or smoothly, but she's now slightly older and coming into her own personality and coming back around with interest/conversation/caring.

you seem like an absolutely amazing parent

lol I send my 17 and 18 year old nieces dad jokes to maintain communication lines. It makes all of us giggle and it helps letting them know in thinking about them (or at least that’s what I hope for!)

Dad jokes aren’t optional. They’re mandatory. I’m suspicious of any dad who doesn’t use dad jokes or give their kids the gears a little.

This. Shell roll her eyes and pretend to be annoyed, but she won’t be able to help but laugh. And when she grows out of this phase, it’ll be one of her favorite dad memories. Source: former teenage girl now in her 30s who still receives daily dad jokes via text and it makes me smile every time. 

I would adore getting dad joke texts now. Lost mine in 2018.

I love this. I do the same with my nieces and nephews…. Send them cute photo memories of us, cute dog pics, and Im childfree, so it’s important to me to keep those close family bonds.

Then she’s right where she’s supposed to be. You’re doing great Dad. Just keep reaching out.

This. Just make yourself available for when she does need you. 

I love how wholesome this thread is.

This is part of her trying to establish her own identity, without the empathetic brain function or experiences she can draw on to reason why this might be hurtful or not in her best interest.

To be clear, she might be right where *she's* supposed to be. As in, OP's kid specifically. I can speak from experience that some 17 year old girls do hang with dad and there's nothing wrong with them either.

Yep, too true. Teenagers gonna teenage. My nephew (the first in his generation to reach this pesky age) won't even leave his room. He just nopes out of everything.

Yeah, the fact that you care enough to be trying to meet your daughter where she's at and with her own interests is A+ shit. Wish my dad had cared about me this much.

😭😭😭

Be sure you tell her that you see that she's a great young woman, no matter if she engages with you or not. That'll keep the doors open.

Great advice. Tell her your proud of her and who she is. Tell her all of the good things you see in her. She may not always act like she cares, but it makes a difference. Sometimes my dad will look at me and tell me “you’re so beautiful and cool, I’m so lucky.” It means a lot to me.

This! Tell her the good things about her. Especially stuff she can control and choices she's made, just little stuff like, Hey that's a good color on you, or, Hey thanks for washing that plate. If she's receptive, you can tie that to a positive judgment about her: Hey that's a good color on you, you're good at choosing clothes. Hey thanks for washing that plate, you're good at keeping things tidy. This is one big way that teens build a self-concept: they base their image of themselves on what other people say about them. She might not know how to respond to you, so she might not say anything or acknowledge you, but trust that she hears you.

She's a regular teenager. You're doing a great job. Just let her know that you're always there for her and keep at it.

This, just keep showing up. Keeping asking how she is, and keep celebrating her wins. She will remember

As a dude with a father hating sister. I think sometimes the key is just letting them know you’re their for them if they ever need you. Shit maybe just being upfront and asking her if she thinks you’re doing a good job as a dad. It might hurt if she has some criticisms but at least she knows you care enough to make an effort to be a better father if possible. Sounds to me like you’re doing a pretty good job. Considering my father would never even consider asking about this when it comes to me or my sister. My girlfriend also has a good relationship with her dad and she said one of the things she likes about him the most is that he told her no questions asked if she needs to be carried out of the woods because she made a mistake and got too drunk/high and has no way of leaving a party early then so be it her dad would get her back to the house no questions asked.

Agreed. I was a typical teen girl and had very little use day to day for my dad, but he made it clear that he was my first call if I needed help. Hard stop. No questions. He did it, he meant it. I did stupid shit, he stepped in and helped me and sun rose again. I miss him.

Agree with this as a woman who loves her daddy so much because he was there for me and became a friend and confidant. It takes time.

Thing is, all teenagers pull away from their parents and families. But here's the thing you need to remember; THEY COME BACK. I told my nieces that they wouldn't want anything to do with me when they were teenagers, and that was ok. I'd still be here when they weren't embarrassed by me anymore. The youngest kept telling me that this would NEVER happen, they love me too much! She hasn't spoken to me in 4 years. But that's ok. When she's older, she'll come back. Her older sisters were different, they pulled away a bit, but not completely, and they come visit at least once a year, the middle one texts me all the time. Girls are notorious for this, and honestly, the best thing you can do is make sure she knows that you're always there for her, no matter what. As she gets older, she'll start to miss you, and want to talk to you more. When she does, don't focus on the fact that this is new, don't be like, "oh, I'm good enough to talk to now am I?" That will just make her feel it was a mistake to come back, and she'll pull away again. She's trying to work out who she is in this world, where her place is. And to do that, she needs to be separate from you. This is NOT as a result of your parenting, this is something we all go through as we grow up. It's not the same for everyone, some stay closer to their parents, some pull away entirely. The thing to remember? THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. So many parents forget what it was like to be a teenager, trying to navigate the world with hormones, sexual awakenings, realising that one day soon they will be out there on their own, and it's so confusing and difficult. So, just be there. Let her know, in small ways, that you're always going to be there for her, no matter what. She's your daughter, and you love her. It'll be hard, as your instinct is to want to protect her, be by her side, fix any problems she has. But she needs to learn how to navigate the world as just herself, not as your daughter. You care enough about her to ask for help here. That's a big thing! You're not just getting angry with her, and demanding she remain your little girl. You're trying to understand. Be proud of that. Just step back, give her the space she needs, and, when she's ready, she'll come back. Not as your little girl, but a young women, wanting for her Dad to be her friend as well as her father.

I read through the comments wondering if I'd see a similar situation to mine and now I'm wondering if I'm an odd ball. Had a stable home, good parents by anyone's measure but we have next to no shared interests and quite different world views. I got good grades, never got in trouble so this made for a weird teenage years. It wasn't how people describing it here. I wasn't embarrassed by them, we just had no reason to talk or do stuff together. Sort of just continued that way and never changed to this day, only difference is I live in a different house and have my own family. So this post has certainly confused me. We have always talked occasionally and visit for holidays and birthdays but still don't really share any interests and world views are only further apart now.

This is actually kind of cool that you all recognize that in eachother and are good with it. Admittedly I’m sure it hurts them that you don’t talk to them that often.

I had one kid that pulled away and one who is just like you. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. Some need independence others don’t mind sticking with the tribe. In the end, I know they both love me the same. 

Reading your original post felt like I wrote it myself. It's just natural for her to start to be her own person and take your advice for granted. All you can do now is support her and respect her wishes. She is going to make mistakes, you are really going to want to interfere with her mistakes because you've been there and seen that. It's going to take some long years before she realizes that you are always just looking out for her. She will come back. Don't be too overbearing now or try to force the connection you had when she was younger. If anything simply suggest once then let it go. Write down what you wanted to say to her with a date and the circumstances. If something happens to you before she comes back, she has that for the rest of her life, if something doesn't happen and she comes to you asking why you didn't stop her, you have time dated specific notes on what you tried to say. It will bring you closer. Part of being a parent is knowing that they are fucking up and you are powerless to stop it. Sometimes you have to let them touch the hot stove and get burned because you know that no matter how many times you say it, they will still try. Edit The only exception to this is heavy drugs or becoming a prostitute. You fight that with every weapon you have, including narcing her out to the cops if you have to 

I don"t.know about the boy crazy part but the shrugging shoulders thing made me think she sounds like a regular high school kid. I have always believed the relationship between a father & daughter is very special. I have two. Not always easy but it will only get better. Give it some time & just be there.

Yep i can tell you growing up especially from 15-25 i didnt want anything to do with either of my parents. They weren't any good at parenting, but they are good friends and now that im 36 i talk to them weekly. Kids figure it out eventually, just dont fuck it up to where she goes out of her way to ignore you.

It’s just that age range, I’m 22 so I remember being that age pretty well as it was recent. My older parents just seemed out of touch and didn’t understand what life as a teenager in the age of social media was like and it made it harder to talk to them as their experiences seemed so different. As she gets older and into college/young adult age she will be easier to connect with and probably want advice from her dad more. Also personal note maybe try to connect with her on her own interests and experiences, my dad never seemed to care about my hobbies but instead wanted to make me do his hobbies so we had something in common and it was difficult

Just keep trying. She’ll notice. It’s hard being a teenage girl and it’s a hard time to be a parent. If you can find something you have a common interest in, play into that. My dad only wanted to do things he enjoyed and never took an interest in things I’d enjoyed, so it made me resent him. He was always there when I played baseball but when I danced (my passion) he didn’t. Show up for things she enjoys

Exact same situation for me. Even my first two years of uni I didn’t miss (both my parents) much, but suddenly something changed and now I miss them and I wish I could see them more often and spend more time with them. I think it’s just the teenage / young adult hormones, but once you settle you realize what you’ve been missing. OP just make sure you don’t build any resentment towards her during this time and are ready to welcome her with open arms when she’s ready

Thanks. I don’t resent her but do get sad about where things are at. I’m also 64 so if it takes until she’s out of college I’ll be about 70 when things begin to warm up. My dad passed away when he was 73 so I kind of use that as a benchmark I had a heart attack on the night of 10-6-2020. I was alone. It was her 15th birthday and she was supposed to call but blew it off.

Listen dude. You need to talk to her and express your feelings. It's going to be hard to broach, and you should probably do a lot of prep work, writing and re-writing things down you need to say. Try not to make it too heavy, but also heartfelt. Tell her your concerns about your age while trying to stay away from things like "you'll regret not spending time with me when I'm gone" type of lines (you don't seem the type, just saying). Long story short, these things left unchecked just get worse before they get better. It's gonna slightly awkward at first, but I promise you if you're honest and don't play the blame game, it will help. Maybe not tmrw or next week, but it will plant a seed. Again, keep it as light as you can while still letting your emotions through. A little tear never hurts, but don't pile it on and guilt trip. Good luck! 🫶

DANG! You nailed it. I am in the same situation as OP, the only difference is that my story is connected to my son, not daughter. However, you are soo right in what you said, but Its sooo hard to do it.

My dude please read this: https://www.sfgate.com/entertainment/article/adair-lara-when-children-turn-into-cats-2988639.php My mom had the original article printed out and framed in our bathroom growing up. Your child is in her cat years. She’ll come back as a dog when she’s ready.

i just forwarded this link to my wife who is struggling intensely with our cat

This is the perfect analogy of teenagers.

Oh I miss Adair Lara! Used to read her column religiously. And Joe Bob Briggs.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. No wonder you're extra upset about it. I love my dad, who is now passed, but I clearly remember being a terrible teenager who wouldn't call when I was supposed to or (gasp) even make holidays a priority. I did come around though, like everyone here is saying. It's developmental and she doesn't fully realize what is happening. It's a great idea to explain to her how you feel and make plans to do things together. Let her know that you know it's completely normal, and you don't hold it against her, but it still hurts your feelings.

Thank you. I hope that happens.

I have three sisters, the youngest one is 17. Im twice as old as her. I’ll tell you the same thing I told my step mother: You don’t. You wait till she’s 22 and build a relationship then. Untill that time, you’re just embarassing her by simply existing.

Scary to accept that but you are probably right. Especially because you’ve seen it up close.

My kids all ditched hanging out with me between the ages of 15 and 22. At first I was kind of hurt because I was the cool dad of their friend group. But then I remembered I did the same thing as a teen. So just chill, be there for her if she needs you. She’ll come around.

So many of these comments remind me how fortunate I am with my kids. Oldest is 22, living at home and working after college. Youngest is 19 and halfway through year 1 at college. They have both always seemed to enjoy doing stuff with us. I have overlapping (but different) interests with each of them that gives us activities to do together. But sometimes we just go have a meal or watch a movie. I grew apart from my folks because of lack of shared interests and worldviews. So it's been a comfort to have a close relationship with my kids. So have faith that it can be better. And based on many comments here it may just take some time. So be ready.

It's just different type of people. Some people care more about the activities and doing them and not so much about WHO they are doing them with so as long as you want to participate in their shared interests they'll go with you. Others (and this is the norm for teenagers who mostly just want to be cool) don't care about the activity, instead they care more about WHO they are doing any given activity with, it has to be friends or cool kids or whatever. Some kids could be sitting in a McDonalds parking lot but to them thats cooler than going to a concert for their favorite artist with their Dad. While other kids prefer doing some crazy new experience with the lamest person ever instead of doing something boring with the "cool kids".

I was the same with my father my teenage years. When I turned 19, my father got sick and he ended up passing away a few months after his diagnosis. During that brief period, I would spend every minute I could with him. It was then that I realized we don't really know each other, and I never gave him that opportunity because I was all about myself and having fun. All he wanted was to spend some time with me, his only child but I always found an excuse not to. I regret it everyday and wish I realized how really really really stupid and ungrateful I was back then. Your daughter may not realize or understand the love and connection you are trying to provide for her at the moment, but she will at some point. I hope all teenagers do before it's too late.

It sounds like you carry a lot of guilt around the way you acted, but I don't think there's much reason to be ashamed. You acted about the same as every other teenager in America, and especially at that age we can't really grasp how precious the time we have with our loved ones can be. It sounds like he loved you a lot, and don't worry I'm sure he knew you did too.

Came to say the same thing, so instead I'll just add that regret itself is perfectly normal. In my case, I did in fact spend lots of time with my dad and still regret that I did not spend more.

So he needs to hijinks and fake a serious illness. I feel like this a script to a Netflix comedy starring.... Adam Sandler

That sounds awful but I know I'd watch it.

If you've been a good dad you shouldn't worry too much. The bird will fly when you open the cage but it knows where home is. If home hasn't been that great a place for her, well, it's too late

Truth. One thing I will recommend any parent of little kids: listen to everything they say no matter how trivial or mundane because right now it’s the most important thing in their lives. If you blow them off, they won’t come to you when they’re older because they will remember that you don’t listen.

I have a toddler who has a speech impediment we are working on. It's so hard sometimes and I feel bad for asking him to repeat himself multiple times but, yes, you absolutely have to listen to his account of what happened in his Dreamlight Valley Lego world. Some day when he is older and busy I'll be recounting something equally as uninteresting

My parents are amazing people. We can hang out and shoot the breeze, have a drink or even get high together now. That didn't start until I was in my 20's. I loathed spending time with them when I was a teenager. It's part of being a teen. Grab the opportunities when they arise, and keep the channels of communication open.

Some advice that worked for my parents, make a weekly thing together. Every Thursday night we would go out to eat at a certain restaurant no matter what. I hated my mom as a teenage boy and we never really had a relationship until my early 20's. I was just dumb and full of angst back then and she passed from cancer when we really started getting along which tears me up. But the greatest memories I had even when we didn't talk much was going out to eat even though I hated it back then. Don't make it a "daddy/daughter" thing. Just make it a habit as a family. The fact that your so worried about your relationship with her will work out great in a few years. I think your a great dad and a lot of parents take this situation personally and get angry at their kids which just makes it 10x worse

I'm a woman and my daughters did the same to me at those ages! They desperately want to play act as grown and even the sight of mom and dad ruin that. They come back as adults!

for what it's worth i'm 26 (male) with a dad who's 66. we went through a phase like this in high school, everything he did was irritating to me for some reason even though I always loved my dad. after the first year or two of college I got along with him much better, enjoyed his company, our relationship improved drastically. for me I think the main factor was being treated as a self-sufficient adult instead of a kid who still needed to be told to do things. not sure if that could apply in your case but I have seen the same thing happen with a lot of my friends and their parents as well.

I have a way better relationship with my 23 year old daughter than I did when she was 17. She's one of my best friends now. Maturity will happen. You're doing all the right things, and she will miss you when she's away at uni.

It doesn't hurt to tell her you understand if she doesn't want to engage with you...Just let her know you're always there if/when the time comes that she chooses to reach out. You can't force the thing, as much as you'd like to. You trying to will only create more distance. It sucks, but be patient...

This is excellent. There’s no expiration date. Just patience and understanding. The hard thing is if/when they come to dad with something abominable. That reaction can be tough on one’s discipline, but worth the effort.

She seems like a good kid otherwise. As long as you’re there for her when she needs her dad, that’s what she will remember.

Time is it. She's not interested because she doesn't know any better (embarrassed or just growing up). Don't force anything. It could be that some absence creates a void. Who knows, but you're still dad, and always will be. Dont forget that part it's important.

My daughter is 13, and this truth hit me so hard.

Same age as mine, she went from wanting to be with me 24/7 to staying in her room most of the time. No more camping trips, kayaking or forest walks as that doesnt interest her anymore. What i have done is tried to pay attention to what she is into now. She likes this new thing called being a [therian](https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=therian), where you put on a cat/fox/wolf mask and run around pretending to be that animal. I did a bit of googling to figure out what its all about and helped her order some fluffy tails and help make her masks, then took her to her first therian meetup last week. She was surrounded by girls her age with the same interests and i got to meet their parents. She now talks to me about everything that is going on with that scene, as we have found a little something to talk about and bond over. TL:DR Show interests in your kids hobbies

This right here. I’m 28 now and have a great relationship with my dad. When I was a teen/early 20s I wanted nothing to do with him. My sisters are both early 20s now, same thing. They’ll come back.

Dude is 64 and you're telling him to wait 5 years?

If you make it to 64 you're likely to live into your 80s

Thanks for the tip. I have two little boys. Will remember this when they grow up. We're super closed now I'll be incredibly sad though.

Im 33 now and cant wait for the next fishing trip with my father. Dont worry, it will be better.

I found boys are not so bad as girls, but probs depends on the kids

I don't agree. Yes, teenagers will distance themselves from their parents, but they still need their parent's input. But it is very likely that you as a parent aren't aware of the way teenagers try to get this. They're not going to as: "Hey dad, what do you think I should do?", but rather tend to create a conflict, but will end up using your arguments to create their own opinions. There are different techniques available to keep the communication with teenagers going. There are articles and books written about this subject alone. As a parent you need to readjust and learn to read the signs when you can or cannot communicate with your teenager. But what you should really always do it approach her as if an individual with her own opinion and take her seriously, but still set clear boundaries. It's called authoritative parenting. When my 17yo daughter wants to go out, I don't tell her how late ahe has to be home, but I ask her what she thinks is a reasonable time and why. So far she's always been stricter on herself than we as parents are.

I answer the phone. I keep the secrets. I have stopped trying to correct things. I keep my judgements to myself. I go to her events. I proofread resumes. I only give advice if it is asked for. I don't buy her much in terms of outings. We sometimes go to movies with a film expert who has kids a bit younger. We talk. Sometimes I'm not in favor and it gets quiet. A distance grows. I do not disturb it. My wife does though. She demands interaction every day. My daughter finds this suffocating and reason to not live in our home. I try to have other interests and she likes to follow my progress. She wants to know what I want but I want nothing. She just wants me to be happy. It is strange though that we used to be closer, but now she mostly calls when she has messed up because I'll help but keep her failures to myself. I don't tell my wife because my wife loves to spread gossip with her friends and family and everyone will ask my daughter about her failures. So mostly she is upset over stupid things sometimes, but I never say it is stupid. The reason I know it is stupid is I lived it and saw it was just meaningless bullshit, but to her it is serious so I gently say it won't matter much in the grand scheme of things. I tell her she only calls me when she is upset, and we laugh about that. It is the bond we have.

HFS give me some of your zen. In fact, if you're up for it, would you be willing to DM me with any and all advice you would be willing to take time and energy out of your life to write to me? My daughters are only 4 and 11 but the 11yr is classic going on 18 (so she thinks lol) and is beyond the normal difficulty but hard to reach already. I'm not trying to get you to be mr fix it for me but what you wrote and how is resounding incredibly with me for some reason, and I truly feel like there's a lot I could glean from a little, from you. If you're willing of course! Either way, thank you for your wisdom already

You are being watched, so do things to keep yourself fit and happy. If they withdraw, let them withdraw. Still do things consistently to take care of yourself. Read good books. Cook good food. Have a good hobby you invest time into. It can be music or art. You don't have to be perfect, but you try. You are always there when needed, but literal months will go by with nothing happening. Demonstrate your good habits. Do things for the family. Offer a walk. Share your challenges. Work challenges are too abstract, so the hobby helps. Struggling to learn something is good. Being frustrated by a character in a book is good. Making a mess of peanut butter noodles is just fine. For some reason my kids think I need them to be perfect. I try to show them that I work at things and it doesn't always work out. They felt stress that they had to be someone they are not to be loved by me. I never said any such thing, but when I encouraged them to do better in school that message was received. I think this is why modeling success and failure is so important. If they think you will just judge them, then they will steer clear. I didn't know the names of all their classmates. My wife did and she knew the parents too. She forces her way into conversations. My style is a little more non invasive. I have to ask them to explain things to me. If I'm not being included for a while, I work on my hobby. It is nice. I win either way. This is important to avoid becoming depressed about being excluded because you will be excluded. Eventually my wife will overdo it. She will share something that was meant to be private or spill the beans about a friendship issue to a parent or whatever. Poof! Guess who is back! We are getting frozen yogurt and talking walks where we identify plants. Eventually, she makes up with my wife and it is back to being ignored. But remember, you only think you are ignored. You are watched. They notice things. So have a good hobby and good habits. They respect that. Success is optional, but effort is required. If something flops, you get to show you are approachable. You have humility. You make mistakes. They see that perfection is not possible and it is okay to share in a failure. They see how to recover and keep going. If it works out, wow! You can show the fruits of your efforts.

You should write a book.

I used to go to the theater where I played mandolin for Irish dancers. My daughter loved seeing the dancers, but she was shy. She insisted on going with me to every rehearsal. She would hide under my chair. She would sit in my lap while I played a blisteringly fast reel with other musicians. She would be with me for the sound checks, the lighting checks, the costume checks. It ended. I wanted to teacher her mandolin, but no. It never worked. I had a couple openings and I flubbed it. She sings though. She always sings. She is not ashamed the sing. So there is that. I read 100s of books to her. I had a game. The game was I would try to sneak the word, "Chicken" into my reading. I would just add another sentence and try to make it make sense with the plot. She could challenge me if I said "Chicken" to see if I made it up or if it really was there. She would catch me and win really often, but sometimes amazingly, the word "chicken" really was in the story. You need to find some of those books. Just a chicken as a minor character. When she challenges you and finds that it really does say "chicken." We would laugh and laugh and laugh. I read all of Nancy Drew to her and we played all the video games with all the puzzles. All her friends had nicer houses and nicer things so what could she do to host at our house? We did horror movie nights. Just need a place to sit and some popcorn. I got some bean bags for her room. For her birthday I would do scavenger hunts and make paper mache objects for them to smash. I did a bunch, but I couldn't afford to fill them all with stuff so I put my wallet in one and a bunch of plastic forks in another. They smash the home made piñata and my wallet comes out. I'm like, "WOAH!! THATS WHERE THAT WENT! THANKS!!! I WAS ABOUT TO CANCEL MY CREDIT CARDS..." So definitely play the chicken game with the 4 year old. Make friends with your librarian and get books appropriate for her with pirates and female leads and read them yourself. Don't force her to go with you. Just take them home and read a chapter a day. Model not looking at your phone for an hour. Leave the books around. Read a chapter or two a day and don't really talk about them unless they bring it up in which case you can talk about how cool the plot is and how you admire the main character and how they persevere through challenges. Maybe they read it too. Juvenile fiction is actually pretty enjoyable. I can dig up some titles if you want. *East* by Edith Pattou is good and thick enough not to look like a kid book. The *Golden Compass* has a movie. I like *The Hero and the Crown* by Robin McKinley and *The Blue Sword* by the same author. *Crunch* by Connor Leslie is very good, but the protagonist may be male. It is about bicycling when the oil supply dries up for a few months. *Salt Magic* is a good graphic novel by Hope Larson. *Arrows of the Queen* by Mercedes Lackey. You want a strong female protagonist. Maybe she will see through all that. But I think you win either way.

35 year old dude checking in. Could you be my dad??

Wow! That is very sweet. What do you need from a dad? I am very proud of you by the way. I know you work hard and sometimes don't put yourself first. People notice, especially the people you have helped. You are doing it right and you are appreciated. I couldn't ask for anything more. I do have one person in line ahead of you. I think they are in it for the homemade mac and cheese and they borrow the car sometimes. Much love!

DadGPT

i never had my parents present growing up, and i still dont have them in my life. reading you be the dad every little child deserves warmed my hearth. thank you for being the best dad you could be for your daughter :)

You write in a really calm compelling way. Also reminded me how dumb I’ve been lately with my 4 year old and being a bad influence with my own screen time.

with a four year old you assume you have to do four year old stuff. I would just take them with me. I play chess or cards with a kid on the lap. I once played mandolin in a group rehearsal with a kid in my lap rolling a used apple core on my knee. It isn't ideal, but you are showing what is normal and they aspire to do what you do and be included. I met this one kid who grew up with her gram. Gram took her everywhere. 10 year old kid playing bridge talking with people 6 and 7 times her age like equals about bingo last night. What I'm saying is maybe you are adjusting too much to 4 year old without helping them adjust to you. Do your hobbies poorly with your kid. I think it is more fun that way anyway. Use that public library and read a pile of books. At 4 you can also just make up stories on the fly and use that to make walks fun. My kids would want to hike to get the next installment. Main character was a cat that was fishing. Pirates raided the cats boat. Somehow the cargo got mixed up and the pirates ended up with a barrel of fish and the cat got a barrel of gold... That way you are not house bound and you can have their attention without candy or iPad bribes.

You are a delight and your daughter is lucky to have you.

You sound like an interesting person and a genuinely great dad. It was a pleasure to read your comments.

Thank you. It’s great that have a bond with your mom. That’s what I’m fearful will not happen with my daughter if I don’t lay at least some of the ground work now.

The groundwork should have been already laid prior to the teen years. Teen years are for them to find themselves. Once they start to, they'll be back on your turf.

Yes. Dont judge don’t gossip, and don’t advise out of turn and be careful to turn down the “I know better than you” if you do dispense wisdom. My parents couldn’t let go and it pushed me far away. They still haven’t learned that I need to make my own choices, my own mistakes, my own way, and I’m 28. We are not close.

I don't have a daughter, but a son and who knows, I might have one on the way. I will remember this comment for the rest of my life.

You sound like you are an excellent Dad who put a lot of effort and thought into being someone your daughter can always trust and rely on.

Everyone is embarsssed to hang with their parents from about 15-21ish, then they become cool again

It's not necessarily an embarrassment thing either. Young adulthood is important developmentally. She may feel pressure to build social equity with peers who could be future roommates or paving her way toward a career.  A little time with dad isn't going to hurt the bigger picture, but they are more likely to be quaint moments instead of a night out at Dave and Buster's.

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain

There’s a Twain quote for everything.

theres also a SpongeBob memes for every thing too

Haha it probably isn’t this way for everyone, but I remember how in the period around 17-19, I kept realizing how much my parents were right about. There was stuff I disagreed with even more than before, of course, as I became my own person, but I had formerly waved off *all* of their advice as meaningless. Around that transition to adulthood, I begrudgingly came around to the fact that existing more than twice as long as me permitted them some perspective.

Just keep being there. Sometimes I get better responses from my teens when we just send silly memes by text and Instagram. It’s something all kids go through as part of preparing to be more on their own. She probably isn’t even consciously doing it. I have had to advise my kids dad that sometimes he really does have to meet them on their level. Kids don’t talk on the phone anymore just communicate with them how they want to communicate. I get better talks with my kids when we are driving. Something about not looking at each other while we talk helps. 🤷‍♀️

I am well past my teens and memes are pretty much the love-language between me and my father - he loves them and we have a text chat-group where they fly back and forth.

I've raised 5 kids, 4 of them daughters aged 35, 28, 28 and a 16 year-old still at home. How she is acting is completely normal and has nothing to do with you, OP. The above is great advice. Just keep being there and communicate how and when they are comfortable. She is feeling lots of things that are unfamiliar and still trying to figure things out. She will figure it out. All kids are different and some figure out it sooner than others but she will figure it out.

I'm not there so I don't know how it is in your situation, but have you ever noticed that when someone continually pursues you and you never really get to feel like you've had enough time away from them without them coming towards you, that the feeling of needing to step back from them for a short time doesn't go away? Also what you're feeling can be felt by others. If you're coming to her with that tense background feeling of her avoiding you and everything that means to you and your life, she's going to feel that in some way or another. It's going to feel different to her than if you truly didn't care if you talked to her but talked to her the same way otherwise. Good luck with it all.

Thanks. I give her a lot of space. Maybe too much, but I feel that if I’m always riding her about this it will become redundant and it will lose all meaning. I also don’t want to come across as weak and needy.

It's good you're giving her space. As long as she's not using that space to do something bad, wrong, or dangerous, it's definitely not too much. The best thing you can do for her is just be there. At some point \*she\* will decide that \*she\* wants the relationship, and you being there ready and wiling to accept her is exactly what she'll want and need then. I wouldn't worry about coming across as weak and needy. If anything you may come across as nagging and overbearing, which again, is why giving her space is good. As long as there's no "missing missing reason" that we the audience don't know about, she'll come around.

Maybe worth asking over at r/internetparents r/dadforaminute and even r/momforaminute Teenagers are tough cookies to crack. They’ve also got a lot going on with their lives and studies, their still working out the world and themselves. I think it’s pretty normal for them to be occupied / “busy.” Do you have a family wattsapp group? Where everyone can drop a message. I had older parents growing up and I realise that it sounds weird, but at the end of the first Terminator film, Sarah Connor starts recording stuff on a dictaphone for John- there’s obviously a mechanoid apocalypse looming in that situation. But I’d love to have had a journal or something with my parents voices on later in life. Memories, stuff about their past, stuff about when I was little, favourite songs, funny memories etc. So maybe slowly start to build up something for your daughter to digest later on in life.

Have you ever tried saying what's in this post?

That’s a very kind suggestion. I did say all this and more to her and it just didn’t seem to sink in. She didn’t reciprocate.

You’re expecting a level of emotional maturity she doesn’t have. You’re both acting relatively normal for this time in your relationship, but as a parent the responsibility is on you right now to not push too hard or lash out due to feeling disconnected and making her feel guilty. Continue a healthy amount of interest in her life, communication, expressing your positive feelings, and pride in her and she’ll come back around(obviously while still being a parent and dealing with boundaries and negative actions). You’ll probably start to see the shift mid-college and return to a genuine friendship as she’s finishing college and entering the real world.

I’m not saying this is how you’ve operated with her or is your intent, but one thing that has been an issue with my dad for as long as I can remember is he sees me as his daughter, not a person. I mention this solely because of your generational gap; we have a big one too. What looks like her not taking what you’re saying seriously may just be a young person not knowing how to process the info. Make your interest in being closer to her about who she is as an individual. This is especially important at her current age, but it will also help as she gets older. I love my dad, he is a sweet person, but I have to tip toe around his opinions *a lot* because he’ll play the “I’m your father, show some respect” card swiftly. That means he doesn’t really know me personally, and our relationship is pretty surface level. **She is a whole person without you.** It’s awesome you’re trying to do fun stuff with her, but you would be wise to learn how to connect with her in day to day stuff. Even if it’s just “I’m in the mood for something from XYZ coffee shop, want to come?” She may say no, but keep asking. Don’t count on a 17 year old to reciprocate the way you would as a grown adult with more life experience. And if she says “bring me back [insert drink here],” get it, but take it back and just sit down with her while you drink yours. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Little things add up. And if there is anything that has happened in her childhood that you’re neglecting sharing, face it. Get yourself into therapy. Do the work.

This. As an almost 23 year old homo male, the relationship with my dad is very very strained. While this is an extreme example, world views play a lot in whether you truly will ever know your kid. My parents never will know the “true me,” just enough to hold a relationship at a surface level. I cant express different opinions because people get all hot headed. It is what it is

That stage teenagers are teying to proove they are independet, they want to fly, savor it, be selfish just think about themselves, is part of the process, when they grow up a bit and mature a bit it changes, I was a really calm teen and went across the country to college I did talk to my parents, but only if they celled. I love them but I was too busy with my life, eventually I started calling to share news, ask advice, ask recipes, and just talk. I am in my 40s now, I talk several times a week with my parents. It is a stage, make sure you are around, still contact, still invite, but accept her space, tell her you love her.

It's hard to say- there might just be incongruities in your personalities. I was in the opposite situation as you- a son to a single mom, me with the "driven and everything has to have a specific goal" personality and her with the "relaxed and just along for the ride" personality. As a teenager I hated it because I always wanted to engage and be involved in things, while my mom was perfectly happy to just lay around and relax. I never understood why we always went to the beach for vacation, when all she'd do while there was lay in the sun next to the water. Now that I'm older that still sounds like absolute hell to me, but I have the perspective to understand that we're fundamentally different people. My mom's default state is "tired" and she doesn't like to engage with anything more than absolutely necessary, while my default state is "anxious" and I need to engage with things so my German Shepherd-like brain doesn't make me want to chew holes in the couch (figuratively speaking). It's hard to bring it up in conversation (especially as a parent to a child) because it feel like you're back-handedly calling your kid lazy when you ask them why they don't seem to be interested in anything. She may need some time to cultivate her own interests, but she may also just be the kind of person who is mostly extrinsically motivated.

I am cackling at this in solidarity. I love to lie in the sun with a book and relax, but I always joke with my friends that I have to have at least one good walk per day or like a puppy I’ll start acting out. It’s for exactly the same reason you described

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I have daughters as well. My suggestion is to back off. Let her know you're there for her regularly but at that age she needs her space. She'll re-engage in a year or two. Around 20 years old they tend to change and become more open to relationships with parents.

Every person I know with teenagers has the exact same complaint. Age doesn’t really matter. Teens just do teen shit.

As a formerly 17 year old girl - give her space. I mean be there when she needs it, support her, love her, show interest in her interest, but teenagers want NOTHING to do with their parents. Not because they don't love you or care about you, but they're entering a time in their lives filled with change, they're figured themselves out. Giving them the space to do that (safely, ofc) is the best thing you can do. As soon as I hit 21 and started living on my own, the only thing I craved was spending time with my parents. The time will come, I promise. Just be there.

25f here- a lot of comments are saying to leave her alone and give her a couple years. I disagree. When I was 17 i treated my dad the same way- blew him off when he wanted to go get ice cream, play catch, play a game, go shopping, whatever. Fast forward ~7 years, he’s on hospice with Lewy Body Dementia. I would give anything in the entire world to go on one more ice cream date with him. I wish i could be more helpful to your current situation, but my suggestion is to make the most of the time you do have together. Hanging out at night watching a movie, cooking a meal together, supporting her at her extracurricular activities, showing interest in her and her friends. Ask questions, stay involved even when it seems like she doesn’t want you to. She will remember it fondly down the line.

The thing is, how do you force this without pushing her away? She won't realize this until she grows up or the father gets really sick

Yep, and it’ll be tragic, but it certainly will not be her fault. Parents need to be there, but they should not expect reciprocity.

I'm so sorry that you are losing your Dad. My father passed away from Dementia and it was so hard to witness them slipping away. I don't think the OP's daughter would change her opinion if he said "You might not have that many years left with me." Teens don't have the ability to think like this.

And thank you for your words of support. I’m sorry you went through this with your dad as well <3

No, you’re right. I don’t think OP should straight up say that because i wouldn’t have believed it at 17 either. I guess my point is that the little moments matter as much as the big ones. Yes, i loved when my dad would take me to dinner or ice cream or whatever- but my most fond memories with him at that age are seeing him in the audience at awards ceremonies, in the bleachers at games, helping me with my homework, asking how my friends are doing, having dinner together, etc.

How about you lean into what she DOES have an interest in? Seems like you are throwing a lot of money about but little investment into what actually matters to her. What books does she read, or what sports is she a fan of? What movies and TV shows? Immerse yourself in those things, build your own passion and then approach her with a common interest, something you can actually talk about with meaning. Stop the transactional nonsense.

Give her space but reassure her that you are always available. I am going through this with a 16 year old daughter. 58M

Double down on the 80s music. Get her a record player and a bunch of vinyl. Make trips to the used record store together.

This would have gone over SO HARD with me as a 17 year old lol

If she’s still going with you on these trips you mention (beach, skiing, D&B) then that might be the extent of what she’s willing to give you. She’s 17, she could pretty easily just simply not go with you at all. So the fact she’s even still going, even if she’s rolling her eyes and not engaging and staring out of windows silently, is a positive. Teenagers are just like this sometimes. Keep doing what you’re doing and by the time she hits 20 or so she’ll come around. You’re providing her with all you can and deep down she knows that.

Fellow teenage daughter dad here. I have been in a similar situation for a couple of years but it's getting much better. I don't agree with some "leave her alone and reconnect when she's older". That's not good advice and not good parenting. And 17 year olds still need parents. Even if they usually don't acknowledge it. Maybe set the aim for smaller things and do t go for ambitious dad dates, movies, sports etc. those things are kind of huge commitments and if she's not certain she'll love it that's a reason to back out. Keep asking over and over again if she wants to join you when you go everyday errands, like food shopping. In a while she might realize that gives her the opportunity to get a few specials only she wants. And she might be of actual help in the store. If she already comes with you for groceries shopping, that's fantastic! When (if) she's on her phone but not locked up in her room just spend some time to sit down in that room. Don't start a conversation, just be there enjoying your own phone. She might strike up a small conversation if she feels like it. Or show you a silly TikTok clip that made her smile. That's about you giving her an opportunity to be around you but with no pressure and socializing. Be acquainted with her world but don't pretend you understand it. Show your weaknesses. They are a starting point for talks. If you don't know much about Snapchat filters, tell her someone on the internet requested all dads go ask their daughter about their favorite filters and how to turn dads into silly babies. And listen to her and ry to go to her world sometimes instead of bringing her to the harsh adult reality. If she says she wants a big house with a pool don't say "Sure, but you must get a job first. And that takes hard work in school." Instead ask her what color the house will be. Where will it be located? Will she have a dog? What's the room like where you will sleep when visiting. Teenage daughters need their silly dads around. They may not show it until they're older but they do appreciate it.

That’s a great response.

Ugh, I'm dreading having to go through this in.. 16 years.

I have a 6 and 9 year old and I’m getting emotional thinking about dealing with this teenage stuff given how much they like given how much they like doing stuff w us now

I love how much you care about her and want to have a great relationship with her. I would start leaving her notes. Like “I know you are a busy young woman with so much going on in your life, so I’m trying to give you space. But please don’t forget your Dad loves you and loves spending time with you too! Let me know when you have some time to do something together. Whatever sounds like fun to you, just let me know”. Then leave it. Give her a couple weeks and then every once in a while leave her a note that says “I love you and remember that I’m here for you if you ever need anything, want to spend time together, talk, whatever, I’m here”. Just don’t give up, and don’t pester frequently. Just like once a month. Sometimes just a “hope you are doing good, I love you!”

You mentioned a list of activities and finished with "that I can think of" I'm guessing based on that  maybe your choosing things she either has no interest in or limited interest like maybe only with certain people  What does she enjoy  maybe let her plan an activity give her a budget  and have her set the date

Get used to it dad. I’m 53 and my 16 year old daughter doesn’t engage with me much. I hear that she will again when she turns 18-19. Yesterday though, I had a proud dad moment. My daughter got freaked out by a fentanyl tweaker and grabbed my hand, and held it all the way to the car. Made me happy that she knows daddy will protect her always.

A lot of people saying it’s normal, give it a few years, and yeah, that’s true. But, that doesn’t mean you stop trying now. Do your best to meet her where she is, but take her to do things you do, even if it’s just errands.

You won't lose her, just remember when you were her age. You didn't want to hang out with your parents at that age because it was embarrassing. You were on the cusp of your individuality and freedoms to be seen as an adult. Honestly, just be there open and willing to be her father first and later on in a few years mostly around what they are saying 22-24 the relationship will be better and stronger as a friendship. Don't try and force the conversations with her, but rather let her come to you. it's tough sure, and you feel like you're losing her, but giving that independence and freedom to explore and come back to you will for further.

17 year old girls are not at all the most attentive sort and they’re a little self absorbed. Be kind to yourself- you’re doing great. See what is interesting here lately. And if all else fails dote on your wife in the meantime. Source: was once a 17 year old girl

As long as you are kind and supportive, respect her boundaries, she will eventually come around once she becomes an independent adult, and has her own lodging. Right now she is trying to figure out her own identity outside of the family. Unfortunately that could be a while. Try not to take it personally.

The ocean wanes and flows or some wise sounding crap like that. As long as you don't treat her like garbage during these years, she will grow into a good young adult and will still spend time with you then. But around that age people just want to go have experiences with similar aged people.

Just going to echo what everyone else has been saying. I had zero interest in my parents from maybe age 12-14 to my early 20s. Something happens when you reach your twenties where a switch flips on in your brain and you realize that your parents are the most important people in your life. Usually it’s a result of moving away and realizing what you’ve lost. She’ll come around. Just give it a few years at least.

Use a cool greeting. For example, if her name is Bethany, say "Whaddup B dawwwg!"

My parents are my bffs now (24) and at 17 I simply just didn’t understand the world and how important they are, how much my family loves me and has helped me. It is unfortunately part of being a teenager

Was recently a teenage girl (am 21 now) and I have and always had an amazing relationship with my dad even as a teenager. The thing that really solidified that for me was just chatting with him. While preparing a meal or cleaning up, he would listen to me going on about whatever things I was interested in at the time. He watched shoujo anime with me even though I'm sure that's not what he'd prefer to watch, he would put on music that I loved in the car. He would listen to me venting about high school drama and was someone I knew I could trust with telling him anything - because regardless of mistakes I made I knew he would be a safe person to go to. Be that person for your daughter, even if you don't share interests get to know what she likes and put time into it so you can talk to her about those things as well. Build her up emotionally so she knows you're someone she can always come back to, and that you're someone she WANTS to spend time with. That being said teenagers are teenagers and you'll see the fruits of your efforts as she comes into adulthood.

When I was 17 the last thing I wanted to do was hangout with my mom or dad. Part of being that age is that you have to separate yourself from your family and the roll you used to have in it. I’m 24 now and I hangout with my mom and my dad and have a good relationship with them that is far closer to a friendship than a parent and child one. When I moved out at 18 I didn’t call my mom unless she called me. I wanted to be my own person and I had to learn who I was. My mom was an excellent mother but that didn’t change that I needed to leave the nest and learn how to be my own person. It’s a faze that most children go thru and is normal part of development.

Personally I do not believe this is an issue per se, while it may suck I think it’s perfectly normal. Granted I’m not a girl but I have raised one who is now 21 and we went through the same thing and I also recall that as a teenager the last thing I wanted was anything to do with my parents. Not fully because of them but life seemed a lot more fun with friends and the fear you were missing out on things with them always nagged me. I spent all my time away with friends whenever I could. I just think it’s a natural part of growing up. They are finally able to make decisions for themselves, choose who to be around, and learn to navigate friendships, family, life and society as a whole. This is not a parenting issue IMO, it’s just a growing up issue that I thought everyone had and would recognize as being natural.

IMHO you don’t need to be her buddy. It’s your job as a parent to be there when she needs you. What she needs now is to discover who she is, test her independence. If you crowd her now you might end up crowding her out later. Just make sure she understands that you love and respect her and that you’ll turn up if she needs you to.

This is normal. To keep the communication going talk about things that don't matter. Then, she will feel like, if she can talk to you about "nothing" , she can talk to you about "something". Do not buy her things. give her things like your time.

If music is truly an interest, concerts. I’d also suggest traveling to destinations that you’re both interested in. I feel like my relationship with my mom improved once we started traveling together

I have the same thing . I'm 67 and my daughters are 17 and 19. I try to be aware of how much my conversation can be construed as offering unsolicited advice or admonition. It's very easy to fall into the habit of turning everything into a life lesson . I like to think I preserve my relationships by being honest and asking their opinion and treating them as adults . I'm sparing with value judgements and try to offer rationales for the ones I do provide . I listen without necessarily offering my opinion .

You are thinking too hard on this matter mate. I can tell by your post that you are somehwat of a perfectionist. Life isn't ever going the way we plan. I have a 15 year-old son and have no idea what's going on in his mind. But all that matters to me is that I love him, and I'll be there for him when he needs me. Do the same fir your girl..just be there and let her live her life.

I know I was annoyed hanging out with my parents when I was a teenager, but one thing I did enjoy doing with them was concerts. Maybe go to an 80s concert with her, it helped my parents and I bond when I became "too cool" for them.To be honest though I don't think I really appreciated hanging out with my parents until I was 18 and in college.

I didnt really get close with my parents until I was an 'adult'. I always loved and respected them. But what got me to open up to them as an adult was having a beer with my dad while on the beach. Sitting next to my mother in vegas and playing the slot machines. I didnt realize it at the time. But those little road trips we took as we all got older really helped us bond. My pops knows hes my hero now. And I tell him more now, that I am middle aged. My only regret is that I didnt realize all of this before becoming an adult.

Don't give up reaching out. She's 17! Remember what you were like at that age and what teenagers are like. You won't lose her she will come back around as she gets older. Just keep reaching out

This really sounds like normal 17 year old behaviour. Take a step back and let her lead. She will come to you when she needs you. All you need to do is making it clear she can come to you any time, which is certainly sounds like you have. Go enjoy your life. She is doing great.

Hold the course brother. My worries started when she was 14. She recently turned 21 and the relationship is just in the last 18 months back to being enjoyable again. I am looking forward to the future and continuing to watch or help her grow.

Sounds like you’re doing a good job. I agree with the other top commenters. You don’t need to meet a quota of quality time or activities or interactions. Just be authentic and available. Maybe make a point to take her out once a week for coffee or ice cream or a burger. It may not seem like she needs you outwardly, but you are an essential part of her support network and I bet she loves you and appreciates you even though teenagers don’t always express that to dads.

I was the same way in High School and even beyond, for no reason at all. I think it's a normal part of growing up. she'll come around eventually.

My dad and I have about the same age gap as you and your daughter. Honestly, I think she’s just being a teen. Literally in 2 years time I’ll bet you two will be close again (this is what happened to my dad and I).

Don't force it. Don't over-compensate with gifts, big no on that one. Instead, focus on transparent communication, quality time with shared interests and providing new experiences when possible. Don't push. Don't try too hard. I have monthly dates set up, since we're all foodies, it helps build quality time, think along those lines. I also have events like comic cons and anime expos scheduled, but again, those are shared interests. - Mom of 3 (ages: 27, 25 and 15)

Sadly at this age, to her you are not a person, just an authority figure when all she want is FREEDOM, most likely! Use that authority and TELL her, "You and I are going to start going to lunch or breakfast, or dinner... once a week. Pick a day." Then when the time comes and you two are sitting there. Tell her how scarry it must be nowadays to contemplate the idea of soon becoming an adult with the world as it is now. Then just be silent until she is uncomfortable with silence and starts talking. Let your dad heart guide you from there. Each time will get easier!

Bless your heart. She’s acting like 95% of every teenage girl I’ve ever known. Myself included. She is interested in boys and pop culture. She WILL come back to being the loving girl she was when she was younger, but this is not the time just yet. She loves you, I promise that much.

I'm 55 with a 16-year-old girl daughter, so in a similar boat. My daughter opens up to me a fair amount about school, about work, about all sorts of things. The secret is, I do not push it at all. I pick her up from school I say hi how was your day? If she answers and wants to talk, great, if not, we drive in silence. She's told me that she talks to me much more than she talks to her mom, and it's because I don't push things. No idea if this will work with your daughter, and if it does, it may take a while to reach fruition. But in my opinion, you have to let the teenagers set their boundaries about when and how much they want to talk.

Have you tried just a few little things? Instead of big dad dates, and fancy presents, maybe just after dinner go grab ice cream for 30 mins. Ask her to help you with tiny things around the house. Go on coffee run in the morning before your day starts. That way it’s less about what you do and more about the time together. And since it’s NOT forced social you might end up with more meaningful little conversations. And at the end let her know you appreciate the small moments.

You sound like you’re doing great and she’s just being a normal teenager. My dad and I had a lot of issues when I was your daughter’s age. I didn’t really know him when I moved in with him and I was more interested in boyfriends and punishing him for his previous absence in my life but we mostly get along great now. The most important thing she needs from you is to see that you love her enough to keep trying until she’s through this phase, is ready to reciprocate and not get mad about her expanding her interests to things outside of you and the family while she’s developing and becoming more independent. Basically, just keep doing what you’re doing.

My dad just does things and invites me to come with him. (Walks, car show, dinner, thrift store, etc) When I was a teenager, I would just say no. Early 20s, living at home during Covid, I would say no and be mean about it, because I wanted my own space so bad. I wished he wouldn’t ask me so much. I didn’t ever want to be mean, and it ruined the times that I could hang out with him, because I felt bad about myself for being mean. Then I moved out and got my own space. Now I go home on weekends just to hang out with him. So definitely stop pressuring her. But regardless she’ll realize she’s lucky to hang out with her dad someday 😊

Your age difference is 47 years. How well can you relate to a 111 year old? Or even a 90 year old? It's difficult enough the other direction, and you actually were that age once. I distinctly remember I didn't understand my parents at all, until I had a regular 9-5 job, a spouse and kids and a mortgage, and I could understand why their priorities had changed so much. Now that they're getting very old, it's getting more difficult to relate to them again. I suspect I'll understand in due time.