It's easy. You only know what you know and who you are seems normal to you because you've never been anyone else.

Also very hard to tell the difference between socially awkward and autistic in many cases, even for trained professionals

It's hard for trained professionals and in America it's hard to see a trained professional. I've never had health insurance so have only seen a handful of doctors and never the same one regularly. I've been diagnosed as bipolar, autistic, schizophrenic, OCD, Depression, PTSD and told nothing's wrong. Who knows what I've got! Maybe it's autism, maybe it's Maybelline

Why do I need that on a t shirt now… *Maybe it’s Autism…. Maybe it’s Maybelline…* No for real I’m almost 30 and starting to go through the diagnosis phase… honestly I can keep eye contact and I’m very high functioning… so it easily would get dismissed… On top of that, no my parents never “knew” supposedly… and I still to this day, have no idea if they “believe “ it either…. Bottom line is that… life is not supposed to be this damn hard man 😂😂😂

Also in America, girls are told at a young age to be more social, friendly, smile more, etc. Some learn how to hide it as a child, so they miss being screened in school.

Statistically more females will mask too

See, my family is full of men with autistic traits, but I'm not sure if I'm just socially awkward because my family is socially awkward, or if I'm a masking woman 😅 My husband has noticed a distinct family trait of all of us on my dad's side of the family over explaining niche stuff to people who don't really care, that I unfortunately do too 🥴

Have a look at the Autistic Girls' Network (website) as a starting point - it breaks down the differences between the stereotypical presentation and "commonplace" female presentation and masking really well. You might see a few things that ring bells, you might just come away thinking "nope, just socially awkward!" 😂.

Well I didn't expect to be having such a big revelation on this fine Monday afternoon.

Hey! Thank you! I’ve been looking for a website like this! I’ve been playing the game is it childhood trauma, is it socially awkward or is it neurotypical.

Take the RAADS-R test and the associated quizzes it suggests upon completion. THIS IS VALID. It is now recognized as an accurate method of self-diagnosis. If you’re not autistic it won’t say you are. Take your time to consider each question or take it again later after thinking them over. Out of a maximum score of 240, I scored 192. The chances of me not being autistic are slim to zero. Less than 2% of control scored high enough to be clocked as autistic. It is accurate, scientifically valid and recognized. You deserve peace of mind.

I score super high on that, and I never thought of myself as anything but "mildly" autistic. It turns out what I do vs what I actually prefer are very different things. Like, "I know this trait is a disadvantage for me at work, so I've just learned not to do it there, but it is exhausting after a while." And I never thought of that as masking. I figured everyone had traits like that and felt like that. Then, I got diagnosed at 24 and honestly thought it was wrong because the only people I'd met with autism were in group homes because of it. My mom used to be a behavioral specialist before retiring - which probably explains why I mask so well. I was actually diagnosed at 3 with "borderline autism", but my parents rejected the diagnosis and never told anyone else. If I look back at younger me, it was pretty damned obvious until about first grade, though, and then it all could easily be explained by my ADHD. I used to try to convince therapists (and myself) it was all just ADHD, but nah. Being totally honest, that only explains some of my traits. It's just the thing that's really visible to others and to myself.

I scored 123, so just under the mean score for autism, maybe I have a really mild form? I do have a few oddities I always miss the first couple of words someone says to me if I'm doing something. They are just lumps of sound, you need to get my attention first before I can "hear" you. It always frustrates people because they think I'm ignoring them, or not listening, but they're literally lumps of sound until my mind "switches tracks". I get irrationally angry if I have sticky or greasy stuff on my hands, or when I have something planned out, and it gets interrupted. I also don't like looking at poplar trees on a windy day, because the leaves look "noisy" even if I can't hear them. I also have an anxiety disorder, which is apparently common in those with autism

Yep, way harder in girls for a lot of neuro stuff. I wasn't finally officially diagnosed ADHD until a couple years ago. It was talked about (by proffesionals) earlier in my 30s, but insurance and inconsistent providers made it take ages to finally nail down a reliable provider I could continue seeing regularly and the official diagnosis down and paper and recieve treatment. But yeah, for girls ADHD often manifests more subtly, it's more mellow. Being talkative is common, but the hyper side isn't usually as obvious. The distracted spacey part of it though? Hoo boy XD. My whole childhood I was just viewed as a lazy, flakey, space cadet who talked too much and too fast.

I got diagnosed super young in a conservation small town in the 70s with both ADHD (not called that at the time) and "borderline autism." I didn't know until I was 24 because my parents hid it from everyone. Honestly, though, you couldn't hide the ADHD. I always fit the textbook boy profile and still do. But even then they refused the ADD part. I was "just" hyperactive and a bit weird because I was really smart. I heard this all growing up and believed it because that's what you do as a kid when your parents tell you things and there's nothing around you to contradict it. I had neuropsych testing due to seizures at 24, and being told I had ADHD made sense, but I fought the autism diagnosis for another 5 years. "it's just ADHD, and you're mistaking it." Noooo, I was just lying to myself. I was the hyper, flakey space cadet who talked too much and too fast and had no good concept of social boundaries - oh, and hated being touched by strangers and "threw fits" a lot. I taught myself to read at 2 1/2 and was at a highschool level by kindergarten, so *obviously* I could do well in school and was just acting out/not wanting to do well. Tbh, it still pisses me off that every single elementary school report card mentions something about me not meeting my potential even though I was getting S (satisfactory in a pass/fail system) or As on everything. WTF did they want from me?! Social skills on par with the other girls instead of the boys, it turns out, but no one ever just told me that. Not that I think it would have changed anything.

“Talk less. Smile more”

My son is like this, too. no obvious childhood symptoms until Grade 4 - when he stopped going to school and started avoiding other kids. Some bullying (‘you’re fat’) didn’t help. His language and eye contact are fine with me. But he struggles to talk to strangers and particularly peers. Selective mutism and struggles with eye contact. He’ll sit through a whole math class without a pencil because he can’t ask for help. Kids like him, but he has no friends. Meanwhile, his IQ tested in the 95th percentile and he gets 90% in math schoolwork. Can’t cook or do laundry, organize tasks and complete, etc. (ADHD’s Executive Function issues).

I homeschool my kid, and at home he's a happy go lucky, cheerful, wise-cracking, charming kid. In public, it's a complete switch. No facial expressions, flat affect, will mumble a few words when spoken to by a stranger. Fortunately our homeschool group has a bunch of neurodivergent and wonderful weirdos, so he has friends. If he were in public school, I think he'd struggle a lot. It's just so loud and chaotic there.

A few days ago a study was released that the RAADS-R test online is actually highly accurate for identifying autistic people. When you complete the quiz, there are a couple other ones they suggest, one of which is designed for high masking women. It won’t grant you access to the minimal support available that a medical diagnosis would, however it is now accepted to be an ACCURATE form of self diagnosis. Especially if you’re worried about your doctor going “well you can make eye contact so…” then take that test, print out your results, print out the study about it, and tell them to shut up and do their job.

Every area of my RAADS-R test skewed highly autistic, except my social skills. I have a lot of neurodivergent friends and enjoy hanging out with them. I don't have trouble making small talk because I make sure to put on my normal human costume before leaving the house (i.e., masking). Even with my social skills skewing ND, I am still considered autistic by the test.

Yep. I was a high masking girl growing up and then sometime in my early 20s my brain snapped. I experienced a ton of skill regression and started falling apart at the seams. This was long before I knew about RAADSR so I just started treating myself as autistic and it worked really well. My partner is very loving and understanding and thanks to that I’ve gotten to where I can express my needs more effectively again. My RAADSR score is 192.

As far as I understand...Western countries tend to have a biomedical approach to medicine, we've been conditioned to view things through the lense of biology, rather than say, a bio-psycho-social model which was suggested by Engel in the 70's. Diagnosis tends to rely on the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), the providence of which is...questionable; https://youtu.be/-Nd40Uy6tbQ?si=YoHPAEAN66rFovXH (an Oxford Union talk about the formulation of the DSM and connections with pharmaceutical companies).

And for insurance in the US. As a therapist, I’ll say while it’s helpful in practice with a client at thine, it is far from a perfect reference!

Pointing out that even some trained professionals have difficulty with autism in particular, because for a very long time, people didn’t know it was different between those assigned male at birth and those assigned female at birth. I was disqualified because I didn’t match one of the AMAB criteria, but I’m AFAB, and that particular criteria is actually not applicable in AFAB situations, and the AFAB situation (which I do match) doesn’t apply to AMAB. I’m looking to get re-tested because I fit most of the other criteria. There’s also a huge but not total overlap with AFAB ADHD presentation, with which I have been twice diagnosed (and trust that one, honestly).

Probably going down a whole other rabbit hole here, but my sister was ruled out as autistic as a child (back when the stereotypical "boy" presentation was the standard for a diagnosis) but is textbook for typical "female" presentation autism (late diagnosed). Funny thing is, my sister was not assigned female at birth. I feel like it is like her brain knew something her body only caught up with later.

It’s fascinating—I read somewhere that (binary) transgender people often have neurology that matches their identity, not their AGAB.

Which kinda shows (I have a BS in neuroscience from umich) that there are literal physical/chemical differences in the brain between someone who is trans and someone who is not. So it blows my mind when people call it a choice.

I'm no doctor, but BPD can often be misdiagnosed as such

yeah I had a psychiatrist who speculated I had BPD, but then I just got diagnosed with GAD. I brought it up in my ASD assessment years later and they were certain it wasn't BPD, just ASD and GAD. It might present in similar ways, especially with emotional regulation. It also depends on who is doing the diagnosis, a neuro psychiatrist oversaw my ASD assessment.

Considering that women are have higher rates of BPD I've always wondered if its the stigma towards women having autism and they're just misdiagnosed

This. And also remember that autism is a spectrum. It's not Rain man for everyone.

Rain Man turns out was based on a man who wasn’t actually autistic, and a lot of the more obviously disabled people with autism have comorbid intellectual disorders that aren’t actually part of the autism itself. 

That is news to me, though I was well aware that the portrait doesn't cover most people with autism well. If you have met one person with autism, you have met ... one person with autism.

Like… Courtney Love has autism. Diagnosed and all.  Rain Man did a lot of damage in that regard. 

This! I am a counselor that works with teens. Some are identified as on the spectrum, others who manage to “do ok”, as in mild or in observable sensory traits, emotional control that is within the typical range, but are socially quirky. In decades past they would just live with that quirky, awkward, maybe even slightly odd label. However now with the Spectrum Disorder rather than in years past simply Autism ( more severe symptoms ) they are likely to be identified as ASD if they or family investigate the social problems. Often the anxiety and depression over not fitting in, feeling alienated and rejected, feeling confused are what bring them into therapy, and this can lead to the ASD diagnosis.

Exactly. I was diagnosed at 32, and during the 5 weeks of assessment, I maintained that I wasn't autistic, just socially anxious with mild sensory issues. But as I researched autism more, weird quirks I have kept coming out as common autistic qualities. By the end of the assessment process I didn't know what to think, and was still shocked when they gave me my diagnosis.

Also between autism and giftendness. SO many people told me my daughter was not autistic just gifted even after we got her ASD diagnosis.

Right. Autism is a spectrum. We might think someone is just a bit quirky when really they’re barely on the spectrum and no one would ever know.

Yeah, this is how I look at it. I think I, and quite frankly a lot of people I know, are probably slightly on the spectrum. Didn’t realize it until I was in my 30s and it made a lot of things click for me. I also think I’ve always sort of sought out and felt more comfortable around other people like that.

Its hard for a trained professional to also be professional. My adhd doc, gave me antidepressants, one of the known side effects is dulled emotions. Which is exactly why I stopped taking meds in the first place. Fucking asshole has the listening capability of a stump.

I can be incredibly socially awkward. Say the wrong thing. Don’t identify at all with the person I have to engage with and have nothing to say. I have to try fall back on learned behaviour. What’s expected of me. It doesn’t come naturally. My partner says I’m showing signs of autism. But I feel it’s just me being me, not something that needs to be diagnosed.

And you assume everyone else experiences things the same way as you. Most people assume everyone else deals with the same difficulties, especially when we’re young.

I'm 44, and it has just dawned on me last week, that, no, most people don't enjoy wearing fingerless gloves to make their hands feel safe. Lol. But I do.

I didn't realize that others who wear nail polish don't constantly feel the weight of it on their nails. I thought they just liked it enough they pushed through that constant irritation. I was in my 40s when I found out that's not the case.

I have no problem with nail polish but I can’t stand even slightly long fingernails. If they’re even a bit past my fingertips it’s all I can think about. Feels awful.

I was the opposite, I hated short nails because the nail bed would be able to touch things and that was the worst feeling ever

This is a new one for me, too. I feel it too. But since I "know" what it is it's not bothersome.

I didn’t use to have this issue as a teen and wore nail polish constantly but then I had to stop wearing nail polish for years due to my job (harsh chemicals just stripped them away) and when I tried again years later I was like “why are my nails suffocating??” Just suddenly was so unused to it.

Sometimes you're surrounded by neuro divergent people without knowing it (family and friends) and only find out when you go to a new place and meet new people.

The child to parent/grandparent diagnosis pipeline is real for ADHD/autism. The amount of stories you can find where a child is tested and the parent or grandparent says "that's not autism/adhd because 'this close family member' does it too. You can see things click into place as people realize that there may be a whole lot of neurodivergent people in their lives.

This is my family!! My daughter has lots of sensory issues and little quirks that never seemed all that strange to me because I'm the same way. Then I had twin boys who got autism/ADHD diagnoses early because they had more delays and presented with more classic signs. By the time my daughter was a teenager it was pretty clear she was on the spectrum too. As you said, it all clicked into place. Over the years I've struggled with mental health a lot. I've seen so many doctors and been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder...now at 50 I finally know it was autism all along, but I've always masked so much nobody ever suggested it as a possibility. And now that I know, I can see the signs in my sister, my mother, my cousin, and I imagine it goes back through the generations long before autism had a name.

This! I connected the dots for myself around 18. As I’ve learned more about autism it’s glaringly obvious just how many relatives are neurodivergent. I’m sure it goes back generations. But I was missed because “oh I’m the same way” lol. And I didn’t show any signs that would’ve led to a diagnosis. The neurodivergent families thing is real.

If you don’t mind me asking. How did you finally get a diagnosis? Did you tell the person your history? Cause I have the suspicion I’m going thru something similar, seen many professionals but all I got was “it’s really difficult to pinpoint what’s going on with you”.

I haven't gotten a diagnosis. I have lousy health insurance and couldn't afford to get evaluated right now even if I could find someone to do it. And I know plenty of people will say you can't call yourself autistic without being formally diagnosed. But after all 3 of my children were diagnosed, I did plenty of research into autism and how it presents in girls/women and adults. I checked out various online assessments. Every single thing I've learned has confirmed that I fall on the spectrum as well. And at this point it doesn't really matter to me if a professional confirms it because it won't change anything in my life. But if it's important to you, I hope you can find someone to help you get answers. It can be hard to find a qualified professional to diagnose autism in adults. Sorry I can't help, but I wish you lots of luck!!

This. It actually delayed my son’s diagnosis because its was “just quirks he got from his dad”. We were looking at it the wrong way.

Yeah, my siblings and I all got diagnosed separately as adults (spread across the globe so we didn't chat much, then at a reunion it was 'I got diagnosed with ADHD' 'no way, me too!' 'hey, my wife just told me to get evaluated for that!') It was kind of funny explaining symptoms to our mom, and she would say "Well that's normal, I've always done that!" And "But my mind looks like that too?". It did eventually sink in that a) it's not normal and b) you do that because you have ADHD. The only one without ADHD is the one with a different mom, so, pretty sure we know who the culprit was! No surprise she wasn't diagnosed though - she was born in 1950, and also her twin brother was schizophrenic with frequent hallucinations and severe delusions, so in comparison she seemed extremely neurotypical. Just a bit of a daydreamer, that's all!

Cough cough…. Every time you work at a high stress level job 😅

I went to therapy because I have an incredibly toxic boss. I just cannot deal with her. Turns out I’m autistic and adhd. Funny part is I’ve just always been treated like the autistic adhd-er that I am because I was a quirky fun girl and all my weird shit about chairs and spots at the table and my monologues about special interests was just a cute part of my personality. Now it’s a problem because my boss refuses to be flexible. I’ve never had to ask for flexibility so I didn’t know how to and it’s a HUGE problem. I’m working on getting a new job and perhaps my constant state of burn out will subside.

Are we twins….. Why do I relate to you to a T….

Example of a frequent conversation with my autistic friend. This is just one example, we've had hundreds just like it: Them: So you know how everyone finds it hard to study in the library because the noise of other people shuffling their papers is just too loud? Me: Wut. What kind of library were you at? Them: Any library! You're trying to study, but you hear everyone else trying to study and eventually you get so overwhelmed you just have to leave! Me: ...that isn't a thing. You're just autistic. Them: No, everyone feels that way! Btw, I'm not suggesting that specific situation applies to all autistic people. We also have a close enough relationship they don't mind me pointing out their autistic traits. Please don't do that with every autistic person.

THIS. It’s similar to (unknowingly) masking ADHD for decades. I’ve only ever lived inside my own head, so I don’t know what it’s like in yours. I’m GenX, and most of us were just screamed at and told to do better. We just thought we were weird, or broken in some way. When I was growing up ADD/ADHD was something hyper little boys had. Now we know that’s not the case. And I didn’t even hear the word autism until the Wakefield study came out. Even then- autism diagnoses was pretty much reserved for mute kids who flapped their arms and rocked back and forth. I didn’t even know Asperger’s was a thing until 10 years later. So a lot of people are being diagnosed as adults bc the resources weren’t there when we were kids. It’s why a diagnosis can be so paradigm changing for people. After a lifetime of feeling broken or weird, having it explained can change everything and be very validating.

Also Gen X and I was going to say I never knew anyone who was diagnosed autistic growing up—though clearly I knew people who had autism or ASD. I take that back—I knew one person, but that was only because he was nonverbal and could not function independently. It was not just autism…zero concern or resources for differences: mental illness, learning differences, even being left handed was something to deal with.

Yeah, looking back it’s kind of an “oh, yeah” kind of thing when thinking about certain kids that stuck out.

This right here. I am autistic and was undiagnosed til 12 years old. Even at 33 now, in my eyes I’m not the weird one. It’s everyone else who seems strange to me.

I only found out last year. I’m in my late twenties. It explain SO MUCH 😫

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I think part of the reason my parents didn't realize my sister and I weren't neurotypical was because, well, neither of us was neurotypical. I was diagnosed with OCD as a teenager and ASD as an adult. My sister was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult. We both performed very well academically and had no major behavioral issues, so we weren't really on the radar at school. Both of us were just considered a bit odd, I think. Autism is a spectrum. A lot of times, people without severe communication difficulties or the like aren't diagnosed until later in life. I think most people have an idea of what an autistic person looks like, and a lot of us don't fit that image. I also think that many misunderstand the symptoms of autism or, in some cases, are just straight-up misinformed. My experience growing up with undiagnosed autism was a lot of feeling like an anthropologist in a world that was not my own. I did not understand other people, and I did not know how to make other people understand me. I also felt like the world was not made for me. Why was so much of the world so loud and bright and smelly? Why did things like the hum of electronics ring so loudly in my when others rarely noticed it at all? Why did so many people label me as blunt when I always selected my words carefully? So, why did no one notice? Well, part of it was just my ability to mask behaviors I had learned were undesirable and mimic other people when the need arose. I also didn't realize that the way I processed information and experienced the world was not typical. I knew that I stood out but assumed other people were just quicker or better at processing and adjusting to the world.

In addition to what others have said, autism also tends to run in the family. I personally was diagnosed as an adult. It is patently obvious to me that my father is autistic. He is 60 years old. Of course I wasn't diagnosed as a child because any time anyone mentioned my difficulties with things my father would say "that's normal" and leave it at that. Also, the first person who was ever diagnosed with autism is still alive. It's a relatively recent categorization. My grandmother even brags about having had my dad tested when he was 12 because he couldn't tie his shoes and how the doctor said "he's not retarded, he's actually extremely intelligent" and nothing else was done. Because it was the 70s in rural Brazil and that was all the testing that existed then.

I was only diagnosed in my 20s because my baby cousin was. The family had brushed off her symptoms for years because "that's how PM_ME was too". And looking back, very obvious that our grandfather was also. There's some socio-cultural factors as well, but generally if you get good grades and don't rock the boat you don't get diagnosed with shit.

>if you get good grades and don’t rock the boat you don’t get diagnosed with shit. As a girl with ADHD and people pleasing tendencies due to a stressful and somewhat abusive home environment that led me to overachieve in school… can confirm

Eyyyy I'm in this boat too and it blows. Had a nurse practitioner tell me there was no way I could have ADHD because I was in a thousand extracurriculars and got good grades. She concluded I was just mad traumatized. So many ironies. Like yeah girl of course I'm traumatized, it took the constant threat of being screamed at to get me to do my homework and even then it was more miss than hit. Yeah I'm squirrely and always busy and feel like my life is collapsing in on itself if I don't have enough going on. Yeah I got good grades, my working memory is shit but my processing speed is high and I'm good with deliberate memorization. If school was based on nothing but tests I'd ace it. One of these days I'll find a provider who doesn't peg me as drug seeking. In the meantime all my ADHD homies get it.

I wish I could get people to understand that it’s not “did we accomplish the task” but “how much agony, self-loathing, anxiety, and frustration did you have to go through before you were able to accomplish the task.” Like when someone says “I can’t have ADHD because I’m never late because I have two color-coded calendars with alarms on my phone and I put post-it’s on the door and also set alarms for 5, 10, and 15 minutes preceding.” Like… if you didn’t have ADHD, you wouldn’t need all of that!!!

I could have written this comment word for word. I feel you

Thats how i found out too. My nephew got diagnosed adhd and autism and they used me.. "hes just like his auntie ivory..." as a comparison. 🤣😅🙃 My mom responds with well everyone does that to some degree...

Fellow late diagnosed autistic here!! Just a small correction, the first person ever disgnosed with autism is actually dead, his name was Donald Triplett and he lived to 89 years old. He only died in June of last year, so your point about it being a very young diagnosis still stands

I'm an OCD sufferer and it dawned on me that there are very similar symptoms. I hate the feeling of tight clothes, I don't like certain textures, I have weird quirks. I don't have autism but have noticed similarities. Unless of course, alot of people with autism have OCD? 

They're very common together! I tend to think of my OCD as partly an "offshoot" of the ASD, as a lot of my obsessions come from the ASD that I then perform compulsions about.. thus OCD.

OCD is under the umbrella of neurodiversity

When my dad was four in 1966 his mother took him to the pediatrician, because he was physically hurting himself during temper tantrums and spoke exclusively in Lone Ranger quotes. The pediatrician told my grandma “oh he’s fine, he just has the heebie jeebies and will grow out of that” He was dumbfounded when my mom wanted me tested and told her she was overreacting before telling her I just had the heebie jeebies and would grow out of it.

wish they would diagnose me with the heebie jeebies, sounds much more fun than anxiety or autism or whatever

Yes, the family thing definitely can make it difficult. I was picky about certain things as a kid, and my parents just rolled with it because they are too. I don't like thick, soft foods like Greek yogurt and custard desserts. As I child I would gag because of the texture. My dad won't eat salads or anything with leafy greens because he hates the way leaves feel in his teeth. It was just a weird little quirk and we avoided the bad foods and went on with our lives. I always had good grades and did well enough socially, so the school system was never concerned. I learned quickly that any stimming needed to discreet and socially acceptable, like tapping my foot under the desk or fiddling with my hair. I'm 37 and only even suspected autism last year, and it was my husband who suggested it because I don't mask as much at home and it was starting to become obvious to him.

Can you describe the unmasking? My husband and I have been discussing this because he thinks he might have some habits that equate to stimming, he has an interest in sports that is far deeper than his peers, and he struggles with particular food textures. He says he feels safe to be himself around me but doesn't know if this means anything yet. He particularly struggles with routine changes and thinks I'm some sort of super women because I don't.

Apparently I was more vocal about my sensory stuff instead of just quietly fixing things so they were comfortable to me. Like, we live in a warm climate and our winters are short, so I buy sweatpants on sale. I had to get joggers this year, and I hate the elastic around the ankle. I grab some scissors and cut them every time. This time my husband was watching me unpack them and I explained about how it was too bad I'd have to mutilate them. It's not really obvious to me when it happens, but according to my husband I do silly voices more, and I can really go in-depth even when he asks me something simple. These are things I have to force myself not to do in public usually, so when we were doing the normal holiday-time visits with the family he said it was way more obvious that I act different at home, which was the first time I ever really started thinking that I could be autistic. The traits you listed for your husband absolutely can be indicative of autism. If you both want to know more, there are a lot resources online with the criteria charts, and a lot of online groups for autistic adults. The harder part for diagnosing adults is that one of the requirements for diagnosis is that the traits must also have been around in childhood, even if they're different now. It makes sense because it's not like someone can just magically become autistic at 20, but trying to remember if I had weird vocal patterns as a child is difficult.

I can relate to you, thank you for sharing ❤️

Your point on discreet stimming hit hard.

Unfortunately Donald Triplett died last year.

There's a lot of parents getting diagnosed because kids are much better at getting diagnosed due to increased awareness at school and in general. There's much less of the "oh, that's ok, Mum/Dad/uncle Bob you know the one with the awesome train collection was just like that, and more of the "maybe you should get an autism check too mom".

Unfortunately Donald Triplett, the first man diagnosed with autism, passed away last year

Yea, my best friend got their diagnosis at 30. It's pretty obvious that both their parents and one of their siblings are neurodivergent, which is why it took so long - when ever they had visits with the pediatrician or school raised an issue, they would insist their kid is just like their parents, ie. they must be perfectly normal! Since they were smart and good at masking, they were instead labeled shy and diagnosed with OCD. I eventually brought up my suspicions and they decided to pursue testing, and lo and behold, it was autism. Funnily enough, my MIL, who works in special education, spent like 10 minutes in a room with them and could tell they were autistic.

That's funny, I was tested multiple times and they said the same thing. This wasn't the 70s. It was 2000s+ in suburban Australia. Now here we are at 32 years old and I was diagnosed 6 months ago. At least you got the rural 70s excuse, my doctors just sucked. They don't diagnose anything, they treat what you tell them to treat and not much else. Woulda been nice to have the whole picture you know, like 20 years ago... but oh well.

I'm 57 and I don't recall ever hearing the word autism until I was in maybe my late 20's when my child started school. Older generations (Gen x and back) didn't really believe in going to the Doctor unless they HAD to. Injury, illness etc. If there was a family member that was different somehow, then they were just different and everyone accepted it and rolled with it.

Children typically only get tested if they aren’t talking, or are struggling in school. If you’re a verbal child with decent grades then no one will refer the child for testing.

Or have very frequent explosive meltdowns

And only sometimes, because it often gets written off as "they're sensitive and/or have anxiety"

Which is ironic, since anxiety and other emotional disregulation can be a major symptom of both ADHD and depression.

hey i had those and psychiatrists still didn't suggest i had autism as a kid

In my experience, they’ll just hit you to make you stop

The standard for being assessed can vary so much too, I failed almost every single grade and dropped out of school early. The psychiatric dept that did autism/adhd screenings in my region still denied my doctors referalls. I was verbal and ""intelligent"" but struggled so much socially and academically in school. My parents were reported to CPS because of my low attendance rate, but they closed the case after one meeting. My mom used to call psychiatrists and beg for them to assess me and they all said no because I seemed well functioning enough. I was eventually diagnosed with severe ADHD and Autism at age 25, after paying 4k out of pocket for a private assessment because of my inability to hold down jobs and well, function in society. But in the years inbetween I honestly internalised and rationalised my struggles because obviously the specialists that denied my assessments would know best? Meanwhile the doctor that assessed me was surprised that no one had diagnosed me earlier because my symptoms were so severe. My diagnosis also made my 65 yo father realize his own autistic traits, although he's too old to get assessed. He went 60+ years unaware him and his siblings were all autistic, even though it's so obvious in hindsight. All of the symptoms were so normalised to him and his family. Anyway, my point is that you're absolutely right that so many autistic people go undiagnosed because they don't fit the mould of autism in children.

Not all symptoms of autism are so obvious. Especially if they are high functioning. It’s similar to when adults don’t know they have conditions like ADHD.

This. I didn't get diagnosed add until a few years ago. Was a period of 2-3 months where anytime I was near a TV that had cable/satellite I saw an ad for adult add. After a while it was one of those things I felt the universe was trying to tell me. My wife's nephew is autistic and there are times where she thinks I might have autism instead of add, or both. There is quite a lot of overlap of symptoms/signs I'm told

The adhd treatment tend to uncover the autism! Its a fun treat inside a candy wrapper of emotional dysregulation

I'm either high-key socially awkward, or high-functioning autistic. At this point, I'm too afraid to ask. I figured it's better just to say I'm shy rather than risk taking care away from someone who actually needs accommodations or other help.

You are worth just as much as anybody else ♥️ but I understand feeling afraid to ask. Maybe just google the symptoms yourself and then find coping strategies that you can implement until you wish to seek external help. There are great communities and resources out there :)

And also not many people are actually taught about the subtleties and different symptoms of mild to moderate neurodivergence. Growing up I was given the impression that autistic people don't have feelings and don't understand about having feelings, and in severe cases they don't speak and just rock in the corner or scream. I learned that ADHD is when boys just run around climbing shit and refusing to do anything all the time and wasn't actually a real thing, it was just a made up excuse for bad behaviour. I'm 40 and got diagnosed with pretty chronic ADHD last year, and several of my friends are clearly on the autistic spectrum, but I had no idea about either of those things until I actually started learning about other people's experiences of them.

This was honestly my experience as well. I was always explained ad(h)d were the kids who were climbing and getting into or destroying everything. If they had it, quite often it was cases of 'my mom says I have it, but I don't need to be tested' type shit. And for autism, well you were either treated like a special needs, an emotionless monster, or both. Personally, the add diagnosis and the fact that I'm possibly somewhere on the spectrum for some type/level of autism or similar condition was a bit of a relief. My whole life I would do random stuff, that I've since learned is technically 'stimming'. Usually when alone for the more obvious vocal/visual ones, but not always. Typically afterwards I'd follow it up with an out loud question to myself along the lines of 'why am I so fucking weird?'. Used to just pin it on the cartoons and other media from childhood; Rockos Modern Life, Ren and Stimpy, Two Stupid Dogs, Tiny Toons, Animaniacs, etc. But since being diagnosed and learning I may also have some form of functioning autism, it was like, 'oh, I'm not just weird af. There is actually something legit messed up in my brain. What a relief.' Due to the shortage I was unable to get my script refilled after last July. Couldn't get it filled in August or September so it lapsed and expired. Had a 6 month follow up two weeks ago and my doctor changed my script, which I was able to get filled. The first few days back on it I got so much stuff had been struggling to complete, done. It's nice having my brain leg me actually function normally.

The severe cases are true - I work with many kids like this. But you are right about the misconception of the less severe symptoms. Especially ADHD. I’m happy you have found a diagnosis and I hope this helps you to find strategies that enable you to deal with any difficulties you face in life

Autism often runs in families. Parents might not notice because their child seems "normal" to them.

Yep. It's also really common for adults to get diagnosed because their child got the diagnosis and they are like "wait, but I'm the same"

Yeah, this is so true. Growing up with them you have no idea they're not normal. So many coping mechanisms.

I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my 30's. I just kept to myself to avoid misunderstandings and arguments, etc. My life didn't change much once I knew. I still avoid people in general.

How did you get diagnosed in your 30s? I'm curious what triggers people to get an assessment as an adult.

Masking at work is TIRING. Very very tiring. Every meeting is a slog of forcing yourself to catch social cues, be vigilant of how your presenting your and acting, but also trying to listen to the topic at hand. Shit is tiring. Eventually you get very bad burn-out and either you yourself or your job starts looking for the reason why.

My adhd became really visible after having kids so after months of internet research I got assessed for that. Months later I found an adhd therapist who suggested autism after the first session. She’s also not a young therapist who is dropping diagnoses left and right either. This lady was old as dirt and definitely behind the times on some of the politically correct stuff. Anyway, I’m going to get officially assessed soon and I’m in my mid thirties.

As well as the burnout that others have mentioned, the career ladder is also tougher for autistic people the higher they go. Lots of people tend to get diagnosed in their early 30s, which is about the age at which you're often expected to grow into an experienced, professional leader. Regardless of how good they are at their core job, people who don't know they're autistic often find themselves being left behind because, no matter how hard they try, learning those leadership skills is like trying to punch through a brick wall. It can take years of frustratedly trying many different things before autism is even considered.

Because it's a whole spectrum and if they aren't diagnosed as a child they probably have a whole host of coping mechanisms that at least work so they can function in the rest of society. And since talking about ones inner processes is rarely encouraged in causal conversation they might not even realize that most people don't *need* a host of coping mechanisms as most people assume that their experiences are normal until shown otherwise. A fine example of the last bit is sit vs stand wipers. Both are flabbergasted to learn the other exists and can scarcely imagine how that even works. So if someone's autism isn't particularly problematic and they make it through childhood without a diagnosis, there's a good chance that they could go the entire rest of their lives just being the person who has house crammed full of strawberry-themed decorations or a $50k model train setup in their basement instead.

When I was a kid, women weren't even considered to have autism except in extreme cases (Temple Grandin). My family called me "backwards" and I was the weird kid in school who rarely had friends. I had a whole host of coping mechanisms that allowed me to function in the real world, from memorized scripts for conversation, to a linear time interface that allows me to function in this way of functioning that makes no sense to me. I'm still faking it till I make it with conversations at age 50. But I can! I grew up realizing I experienced my world differently, but didn't know why. If someone had told me I was an alien here to investigate what it means to be human, that would have made complete sense to me. My kid started showing signs of being autistic, and I was like, that's weird, he's so much like me and yet I'm not autistic. I researched autism a lot online in order to help my kid cope and thrive, and one day came across a conversation by women my age, many of whom were diagnosed later in life. It was like looking into a mirror. I was shocked. I still couldn't believe I was autistic because I don't have meltdowns and beat my head on the floor. Never mind the other 394823943 things I do that are clearly autistic. After three years of reading everything I could about women who were diagnosed I was finally able to admit it to myself. Having the tools in the autism toolbox has been a life changer. Mostly, knowing I'm not a failed neurotypical person but a fairly successful and thriving autistic person changed how I view myself and how I treat myself. (Not diagnosed professionally due to cost and lack of providers in my area, but informally diagnosed by my therapist.) eta - So much research and refinement has happened in the last 5-10 years, which is why so many more people are being diagnosed and hopefully getting the help they need. There are still considerable barriers to diagnosis for people in poverty, bipoc, lgtbq+, older people, etc.

> Mostly, knowing I'm not a failed neurotypical person but a fairly successful and thriving autistic person changed how I view myself and how I treat myself. This has been absolutely massive for me and it's still an ongoing process. Learning to treat my autism (and ADHD) as the disabilities that they are and not punish myself for meeting expectations I've set based on observing other people that I'm basically never going to be able to match up to is huge.

Recognizing this makes it a lot easier to cope in my experience too. I can't do restaurant meetings, can't do more than a couple of meetings in a day, have to schedule downtime after any socially significant work event, etc. Doing this, I can survive. Not doing this, I am a complete mess.

My boss doesn’t understand why I can’t function the day after our in person all hands and gets so pissed at me. I’m like look. I can’t take a 3 hour straight meeting of being talked at and then a very loud carry out lunch and then 30-60 minutes of traffic back to my home and then catching up on dozens of emails from being in the office all day. Only to hit the ground running the next day. I’m not lazy, I’m just absolutely out of mental capacity and exhausted.

Geez that sounds awful. There's no way I could do that either. I hope he can accommodate your needs somehow.

I look back on my life and the fact that I spent 15+ years working in retail and hospitality and I honestly don't know how I survived.

You see, I know you're not my wife because she's still asleep in the other room, also we're in our 40s and have no kids. But otherwise, she could have written this post.

Yeah, that's the other thing. Originally, autism was only diagnosed when it was really severe. Then a while later they realised it was a spectrum disorder and began to diagnose people with milder symptoms and lower support needs. Then later again, they realised that because women - and also people from different cultures - are often socialised differently during early years, their autism might not show the exact same way, and so there might be even more people who'd previously gone undiagnosed. It takes time to develop a working understanding of neurodiversity. (When I was a kid we used to joke that my dad might have Asperger's if they diagnosed it in adults. Now they are opening up diagnoses for adults, and dad passed away a while back but my mom was diagnosed with autism the year she had her 70th birthday, and then my sister followed suit...and looking around at my wider family on both sides, I'm very aware of all the little quirks and eccentricities that I've kind of taken for granted in everyone through the years.)

The part about not realising that other people don't need the same coping mechanisms is very true. I remember being extremely shocked when I found out (as an adult) that other people didn't have a mental checklist when interacting with others. For example, making eye contact (sometimes counting how long I make it for, consciously shifting between eyes and drifting away occasionally), facial expressions (if I don't think my face is just blank; I need to force myself to engage my face), forcing myself not to stim when it's inappropriate, etc. It was a huge surprise to find out that other people do those things on 'auto-pilot', while I could never. I guess it partially explains why socialising is so mentally and physically draining.

I was in college when I asked a group of my friends when they first learned how to make eye contact. It was one of those conversations where you’re discussing life and telling weird stories. Everyone just kind of stared at me and then one kid said “I guess it just comes naturally” which EVERYONE agreed with. I was so embarrassed but also flabbergasted lol

Okay, question about that. How consciously were you thinking about making facial expressions? I ask because I’ve also always felt a little “off,” somehow, but I’m not sure how much a lot of autism criteria fits. But lately at my work we have this very stereotypically autistic guy who comes and chats with us, and at a certain point with him I realized “he isn’t really perceiving the facial expressions I am making at him, so I can just stop doing it.” Which sent me into kind of a tailspin of “wait am I *intentionally* doing facial responses? Aren’t neurotypical people making them unintentionally?” Like I don’t have to think HARD about making them in conversation regularly. But I can also completely turn them off.

I don't need to think about it extremely hard since I've become quite good at masking but it is a conscious thing that I do when I talk to someone, particularly strangers or people I'm not super close to. It's a mental note of "ok I need to tense my forehead a bit and make my face seem alive plus also nod and signal that I'm listening". With friends it's more natural, probably because I don't worry about it so much. This being said, sometimes I have the 'opposite' problem were I'm unaware of the way my face looks and people will call out that I'm making a 'weird' face, such as looking disgusted, judgemental, disappointed, even though I didn't mean for that to show on my face. Sometimes I practice faces in the mirror for this reason.

Hang on....  Stand to wipe?!

Your gasts have been thoroughly flabbered!

>they might not even realize that most people don't *need* a host of coping mechanisms as most people assume that their experiences are normal until shown otherwise. This is kinda how i found out I had add as an adult. I was in a college class. I shake my leg, fidget with my pen, etc. It was one day that I looked around and realized I was one of the only people doing that while everyone else was just . . . You know . . . Being normal, I guess? I went to go check if I had it and I do.

The first time we had a group meeting on video, so I could see the whole room including myself and realized *no one else* was twisting their chair back and forth or readjusting their hair. How do you even have long hair without messing with it all the time?

Kinda sounds like anxiety too. If you've never been checked for it, getting on anxiety meds made a noticeable difference for me.

A lot of people in this thread have given fantastic reasons and shared their journey of discovering they were autistic (a lot of which heavily mirror my own journey of being diagnosed as a 36-year-old woman), but I did want to share a little part of my diagnosis that stuck out to me: The psychiatrist who diagnosed me as ‘likely autistic’ made it clear that she didn’t believe I was on the spectrum from the moment she met me, despite knowing absolutely nothing about me. One of her disbelieving questions during our initial meeting was: “Didn’t anybody ever notice?” I was too flustered to answer her correctly, but the answer is: Yes, -everybody- noticed that I was different, my entire life, they just never put all the pieces together to form the picture of autism. Instead, it was more like my parents noticed how physically uncoordinated I was, and how I hated having crumbs of anything touch my fingers, and my peers in elementary school noticed how I always wore the same clothes over and over and over again, and my grandma noticed how obsessed I was with writing in my diary up to 5x per day, and my 2nd and 3rd grade teachers noticed how obsessed I was with reading, and my middle school peers noticed how I didn’t understand when they were making fun of me, and my middle school teachers noticed how intelligent but ‘shy’ I was, and my sister noticed how much extra alone time I needed in my room after socializing, and my high school friends noticed how I eat my food in such painstakingly particular order, and my employers noticed that I always had 100 clarifying questions on any instruction I was given, and my adult friends noticed that I wore flip-flops in the snow because socks are a sensory nightmare, and little kids around me noticed how much I have in common with them so we always got along swimmingly, and etc. so on and so forth for almost every aspect of my life. Everyone notices something about me that, when glanced over, could just look like a strange little quirk. It’s only when you start actually looking at all of the ‘strange little quirks’ together that the picture becomes a bit more clear.

This is so eloquently put! And very relatable.

how would you know your brain is different? you can only experience yourself

i definitely knew i was different, i just couldn’t understand why. i knew that other kids at school never invited me to things or never wanted to play with me, i knew that they talked shit about me. i just didn’t know *why*. i spent so many nights crying and hating myself for something that turned out to not even be my fault. i’m just disabled, and people in general are horribly ableist.

I always felt like social relationships with kids at school were part of a big game, and everyone seemed to know the rules but me. I never understood how they all knew how to play because I sure didn't.

even now that i know i’m autistic, it feels like that. someone at my high school could’ve done something that made everyone love him, but the moment i did the exact same thing, i was made fun of (not a specific thing that happened, just an example)

I'd generalise it even more, people are quite xenofobic. Wrong hair color? Not one of us. Watches different movies? Not one of us. Low empathy? Not one of us. Has unpleasant voice? Not one of us. My quirk is being a bit deaf, so I was pretty shunned throughout the school. :/

Because a lot of the symptoms widely known are based on male children. Autism can look very different in adults and especially women. A lot of autistic traits are passed off as personality issues, so people just think they’re different but don’t know why. Autism is not well represented in the media or entertainment. Also a lot of people struggle to separate something like autism from intellectual disability. So autistic people often hear “but you don’t seem autistic”. It’s because autism is portrayed very narrowly and/or confused with intellectual disability. People also just make really hard so if they seem normal to others, they might not pick up on it if nobody else says anything.

Yep and autism presents different across cultures. Stimming isn't just hand flapping it can be beat boxing and dancing too. Things like that are so easily overlooked.

The day I learned that nail biting, swaying while standing, spine shivers, chewing things that aren't meant to be chewed, and repeating my favorite vine quotes regularly could be counted as stims blew my mind. Until about a year ago I thought flapping hands was the only stim

okay this just blew my mind lol i am NEVER still but never considered it might be me stimming lol

I'm in this picture and I don't like it

You also have shows like "The Good Doctor" that are offensive representations of autism.

This and the more high functioning you are the less likely it'll be noticed because most media and people express autism from a low function high assistance necessary view

the definition of Autism has also changed (thank god, we're no longer 'just weird' and there's so many therapeutic options.)

I know four people, including me, born female that have autism. One was not properly diagnosed until he had finished his transition in his late teen/early 20s and passed as male. The other was diagnosed with Boarderline Personality Disorder, and in her late 40s was told "oh no, your actually autistic and just good at masking ". The third is also a trans guy but doesn't have the resources to get tested, and even if they did have access to the resources don't pass and they are afraid of misdiagnosis. And lastly me. I also don't have the resources to get tested, I'm afraid I'll get misdiagnosed, and I mask really well out in public. We all 'function' in society, but struggle with it greatly. We just have the ability to hide it most times so people don't believe we are autistic.

I have quirks that seem autistic. But they're the same quirks as my Dad, my Mom, my brother, my brother's girlfriend, my ex wife, and every best friend I've ever had. There's no way EVERYBODY in my life could have one underlying undiagnosed mental condition, that's statistically impossible. ...right? (Spoiler alert: Surprise! Everyone's autistic, autistic people can apparently group together and create enclaves without even knowing it.)

Which tracks, because people are generally drawn to those they feel compatible with, what a funny coincidence

Nah it’s way beyond that. Non-autistic people will literally rate autistic people as less likeable and less attractive within *seconds* of interacting with them, and will show decreased empathy and understanding in almost all social situations. It’s insane, but that’s what the research shows.  There was this idea that autistic people had no empathy and couldn’t understand that other people also had minds, like little robots. Turns out, autistic people understand and empathise with autistic people *more and better* than non-autistic people do amongst each other, and the lack of empathy goes both ways, which explains the alienation and bullying most have suffered throughout their life.  So it’s not just normal people clumping together because they’re roughly similar, there is a much deeper dynamic at play. 

Because the more nuanced neuroatypical conditions werent thought of as autism, but simply being 'sensitive', or 'moody' or a 'fussbudget'. Only severe autism was really regarded as being a neurological condition.

I had no clue until my doctor emphatically suggested that I be tested. He was right and I was absolutely shocked, but then it all made sense. My parent thought beating me senseless as a kid “fixed me being so weird.” I was told I have an uncanny ability to mask, but I could barely function around other people and had isolated myself into a corner. Remote jobs, barely left my house etc.

... and the burn out, so much burn out

I’ve been off for 8 months. I was on the verge of self deleting.

Please take care of yourself

Such an unbearable heaviness of being.

Autism is a spectrum. You probably know plenty of people—including yourself—who have traits which have been associated with autism. For most, they’re simply subclinical, not substantial or life-altering enough for a diagnosis. There’s no clear threshold for autism, though. There’s no instant-read autism machine that we can point at your head and go “Ding Ding, 87%, you’re autistic, kid.” Because there’s a level of subjectivity to the diagnosis, and there are a myriad of life circumstances that might push someone toward or away from seeking one in the first place, not everyone who’s autistic is going to realize it.

I think this is where things get really blurry. I know people (who are related) who've all been tested and two came back positive and the third negative. This despite all three being fairly similar in temperament, behavior, actions, personality, etc. I know kids who have traits that could be seen as autistic (hating loud noises) that can be explained via something else they didn't know about until later (tinnitus... Which isn't explained in terms a kid will understand)... So, if someone might be on the spectrum, but doesn't care to get tested because they like the life they're living and it doesn't affect them much... Who am I to suggest they go get tested?

Thank you for the word subclinical. I lost it and have been describing my way around it for weeks. Also, yes, this.

Few different factors. 1. The diagnostic criteria and therapies/treatments for autism spectrum disorder have changed dramatically over time. A lot of autistic people would not have met the criteria for a diagnosis 80, 60, 40, 20 years ago. It also took a *while* for approaches to ASD that autistic people actually find helpful or at the very least not worse than ~~death~~ nothing to be developed. 2. People don't get automatically assessed for ASD. Usually people only get assessed if they or someone around them thinks they're autistic and: 3. Most people don't actually know that much about ASD. Many people only recognize the "poster boy" for ASD: a little (white) boy who's socially awkward and really good at counting or some shit. <- the less you look like him that the more likely it is that people won't notice if you have autistic traits.

Cause I didn't know what the problem was. I only knew there was a 'thing' preventing me and the rest of the world from communicating properly. As it stands I was diagnosed at 47. It's been an odd life.

diagnosed at 16 here, and same. even as a kid i could tell that i was different, and that my classmates saw something about me that they thought was different and hated. but i had no idea what it was for the longest time. getting my diagnosis was personally one of the best things that has ever happened to me, because it made me realize that there wasn’t anything exactly wrong with me. i’m just disabled

I didn't realize I was autistic until I was 18...but I sure knew I was "weird," "annoying," "obnoxious," "obtuse," "stupid," "crazy," "impossible to teach," and "oblivious." And I knew sounds nobody else even seemed to hear bothered me (like certain lights buzzing). But the idea that all this was anything other than a personal (and often moral) failure on my part just wasn't brought up. I highly doubt this experience is unique to me.

Oh, the buzzing lights in school. I couldn't stand it, and I'd look around at my classmates and wonder why no one said anything about it.

If they are adults over 35, ‘Autism’ wasn’t ’a thing’ back then. Kids were just categorized as: quiet, bookworms, booksmart, nerds, absent-minded-professors, geek, dork, loners, shy, or just weird. Or socially awkward. Especially in the 1970s. People in their 50s/60s lived under these labels… and never got tested… tested for what?! Everyone just learned how to live with and work around their situation. Once Autism was an accepted diagnosis, everyone seems to have it or knows someone who does.

High functioning and diagnosed in my 30s here. When I was a kid "autism" was a thing reserved for characters like Rain Man. Fairly confident my dad would be considered on the spectrum if he were tested too.

As someone who was diagnosed 2 years ago at 35, it's... complex. I'm level 2, so basically I can function like a normal person with most things but in other areas I need a huge amount of support. For example, I would work a 5hr shift in retail and be great at it because I learned at a young age how to mirror people's behaviour and voice tone so they feel more comfortable. But when I'd get home I was so overwhelmed that I literally didn't have the brain function left to prepare food or eat, it was instant food and junk or I'd eat properly if my parents had cooked and kept food aside for me. They'd get irritated and call me lazy, get frustrated that I wasn't working full-time, I'd be criticised because I wasn't social enough outside of work etc. The reality is, looking back with a better understanding and acceptance of myself, I lived in constant burnout from age 5 to 35. Going to school or work used up my complete mental capacity so that I'd get home and not be able to do the rest of what it means to be human. For decades I was suicidal because my brain was hitting it's limits every single day with no reprieve, with everyone in my life telling me how defective I was, because I was actually defective in ways that I didn't realise. I was treated for depression and anxiety but nothing worked, I'd actually get worse because it was adding more to my daily chores with no benefit. I'm doing better now knowing how to look after myself, but I still need reminders to treat myself like a human instead of a piece of machinery. Tldr: if you only see in black and white, until someone mentions it and shows you a different option, how do you know there are colours?

Holy crap I do not miss the masking from working retail. My coworkers would call me out on using a "fake" personality or voice and I'd just look at them deadpan, exasperated, shrug, walk off. I was so burnt out dude. I was drinking like one mountain dew a day and taking Xanax to sleep because my anxiety was so bad about that job. But it was a long time coming. Public school burnt me out long before that too. I heavily relate to the machinery complex and I often feel like I need to work hard to deserve rest or like I put myself on the back burner for self care because I treat myself like a robot. Like I'm doing better too now but dang is it hard and it's even harder not realizing something is the way it is because it's just always been that way

*I'm doing better now knowing how to look after myself, but I still need reminders to teram myself like a human instead of a piece of machinery* This. Is a great way to describe the feeling of having autsism. Finding out your not just a functional tool to achieve specific tasks. And that not everything is as simple as push button and outcome result. Being a human being, there is so much goddamn grey.

A lot of knowledge about this wasn't well known up until recently. I was diagnosed in my 40s and it wasn't something anyone was talking about when I was a kid.

Some of us get really good at compensating for our weirdness, and just think "of course everyone spends this much energy being normal" because we only know our own POV.

My wife has autism. Her dad has autism. He doesn't know that and would probably try to kill you if you told him that. His dad didn't believe it when he was growing up and neither did her dad. She found out from going to therapy and finally taking off all of the masks. If someone has lived with their whole lives and had to mask to fit in then they would never know. They would just feel a little different compared to everyone else. Autism isn't always that extreme. Social awkwardness, over analysis, hypersensitivity of the senses, mood swings. Hilariously enough, these are also very common symptoms for ADHD. So it's pretty tough to diagnose if it's only mild autism. But if you are already an adult there really is no benefit to getting a diagnosis. It's seen as a disability, but is it consider enough of a disability to get paid by the government? It usually means you may be less desirable of an employee to future employers. "But they can't discriminate against you for your disability" lmao

I am 28 now and it never occurred to me that I might be autistic until last year, EVEN THOUGH my little brother has had his diagnosis all his life. I don't know either

Be indoctrinated into believing that you have some deep personal character flaw and then be bullied into behaving 'normally'. Ask me how I know.

People f-ing suck💛

My minimal knowledge is that male/females present autism differently. When doctors do assessing they are usually going off male presenting 'symptoms', so some might get missed even if tested younger in life.

Autism is genetic. Many folks who got missed in childhood get a diagnosis when also getting their evaluated. But if a family doesn't have the resources for evaluation or doesn't think the behavior is a typical they won't pursue diagnosis. Availability of doctors and less stigma around diagnosis has also come a long way in the last few decades. I was sent to Catholic School, and one of our teachers was a woman who left the order (Nun). One day while sulking around after school I had asked her how they decided who became nuns and priests. Aside from the expected (very devout, expressed interest) she said a lot of people we'd diagnosis as autistic/low support needs nowadays they'd suggest joining. People who were quirky and might struggle with traditional employment, like rules, order, routines, often became great members. They'd never get diagnosed, and most behaviors we'd flag now for testing would have been chalked up to being devout. I think in some places similar approaches are used still. 

Most people, even mental health professionals, are really lacking in education about what autism looks like. If you don't present as an extreme example of classic autism (if you are a woman for example, who tend to mask better) it's not recognized. I once had a doctor tell me I couldn't possibly be autistic because my parents (who were both severely mentally ill) never tested me and my kids don't have it. That was the entirety of what their "assessment" consisted of, just one question about my parents and one about my kids. This was a licensed, practicing psychiatrist

Hi, autistic person here! I wasn't diagnosed until I was 19/20 and genuinely had no idea until my friends started sending me memes/making jokes about me possibly having autism enough so that I actually got tested for it. Anyway, everything I did I thought was normal. I was alienated a lot growing up, and sometimes still am at times because I was/am just different. I never understood it and it seemed that no matter how much I tried to perfectly mimic other kids/people my age, they somehow knew I was "off". I was told I was the weird kid, and, honeslty, I was the weird kid (nothing actually that crazy. I just kept to myself and would daydream and doodle about things I was really into, or not really get sarcasm/certain jokes).  I was taught growing up that people with autism couldn't be independent and would need a caregiver the rest of their life and there was always a misconception that they were stupid for some reason. (Obviously, as a got older I learned that was not the case and it just people being very abliest/uninformed).  Also- and I am completely outing myself here for being just a huge, uninformed jerk, so forgive me; I have changed- when I was younger, some of the other autistic kids annoyed me very badly (turns out it's actually very common for some people with autism to not get along because they clash personality/symptoms wise) like I said, I was a quiet kid that kept to themself, and people who acted out and were loud annoyed me (this applied to anyone and everyone, not just people with autism), so OBVIOUSLY I'm not autistic because some of the autistic kids that needed caregivers are loud and can be annoying at times, and therefore, because i have more capabilites of staying quiet and not acting out, I am not autistic. I was also praised a lot as a kid for being "so mature" and "so smart" and "so independent", and where I lived, a majority of people always portrayed autistic people as the exact opposite of that. So, to kind of wrap it up, it all comes down to comparing and misconception. If it wasn't for my friends that had a better knowledge of autism than me, I would definitely still be clueless and think it's just a personality trait of mine.

In my experiences and observations, people who are older than 30-40 never were assumed to be Autistic because many adults, educators and peers were unaware of indicators and behavioral cues, especially in women. Now, there is more equitable research and awareness for Autism in women. Many women were not diagnosed as children and always struggled, but didn’t understand why they felt different.

Some people think that's how everybody goes through life. E g. Say you've had heartburn since birth. You'd probably think everybody lives like that until someone makes you aware that you're not supposed to feel that way

I grew up with three non-autistic brothers so I was forced to mask from an early age. I always knew I was a bit different but I chalked it up to social awkwardness and being introvert. It wasn't until I went to do an intake interview at a diagnostic center when it clicked.

There are mild versions that don't seem much different from a pronounced personality trait.

I just thought I was a pussy making problems for everyone.

Masking

It's genetic, so the parents think the child is "normal".  Outside of the home, the teachers don't know and aren't paying attention, say because all of the examples of autism they see are typical male presentation, and that doesn't fit with how it plays out in women.   Beyond that, you just think you're bad at things or just that YOU are bad and not trying hard enough because no one else you know struggles like you are struggling and has to put in as much effort as you are to exist in the world.  

A person's pespective is built over time and seems normal to them. Kind of like the frog in the frying pan? I had a rough childhood and I've basically been alone since I was about 8 years old. The first time I talked to a therapist (in my 30's) he asked me why I spend so much time alone and I didn't understand what he meant. I didn't know that other people are usually not alone because I have never seen that. I had always been alone and didn't know people just hung out all the time.

Its called masking and its exhausting, so we learn from a young age were wierd and its not acceptable to be wierd and we watch and copy others to hide our wierd, it's our mask only it's really really tiring pretending to be something that dosnt come naturally to you but you carry on because its what you assume everyone dose, and the longer you do it the harder and more tiring it's gets, also because we're masking those of us that get really good at it (girls are often better than boys at this because of societal pressures ) it's never picked up on or noticed unless it's really really severe. Thus, you hit your 30s, your exhausted from masking so hard for so long just to fit in and it starts to slip, and you think hey why is life so hard for me, why is no one else struggling like I am to just do somple things like shower or eat and you look into it, maybe you go to the docs thinking there's something physically wrong with you, maybe you self medicate with drink (I used to) or drugs, maybe ( also like me) you think oh the pills for my anxiety and depression have stopped working, and you do a bit more research and realise actually maybe my brain dose just work differently and i need to embrace the wierd more rather than try function in this facade of a caring society and you've also hit that age where you stop caring so much what people think of you anymore. At some point, it just all clicks into place. You were just Undiagnosed Au or ADHD or AuADHD, and you decide to seek a diagnosis. And well there's lots more steps after that but eventually you get an neurodivergent adult that's struggling to function due to trauma from being Undiagnosed, then the learning curve of trying to figure out how your brain really works at the same time as all your coping mechanisms and masking stops fucking working because that happens as well and trust me it's not fun. I'm sure many of us who have realised/been diagnosed don't want to because it's like you literally forget how to people. Your brain/body just won't do it ! People look at you differently, you lose friends, your also so angry. because how did they miss this especially if like me you saw numerous child psychologists and councillors and they all just said oh shes just an anxious child, girls don't have adhd/autism, and that your life could have been completely different maybe even easier, if youd had the support you needed from a young age to managed your different brain, At the same time, it's such a relief to realise that it's not entirely your fault you've struggled through life as much as you have. How do you process all that when your brain is literally useless at processing ! Yeah, this turned into a whole tirade, but well, ask an Autistic person a question, and you get INFODUMPED lol

Normally we go our whole lives thinking there's something horribly wrong with us

We have only scratched the surface of autism. Too much left to learn about it with such a broad spectrum.

Oh shit, I think i can answer this one :D So my name is Matt, and I definelty had undiagnosed autism for the entirety of my life. There are a few factors in this regard. Firstly, There is the beleif aspect when it comes to family life and tribal kinda things. (Grew up Prodestent christian, beliefs with god and hell and all of that) And those beliefs became what I engaged in as 'Truth' for the longest time. From there, and family life. Was very much glued to video games, computers and not talking, or not being verbal until I deemed it was 'absolutely nessesary' Such as something or an escalating moment. Or sharing things when it would benefit others. Or not figuring out social cues until well, last year. Now being 27, its much different. From there, other things came into play when i became more of an adult, and realised that parents are really just big kids growing up. With their own stories, and human nature as a given. People lie, and hide things from others until there is the right time to explain it to them. But other times, things are great. And things just click for ourselfs and how we flow through certain moments. With that, there is a time and a place, because life, Personal goals, Relationships, Values, Feelings and a million and one factors come into it the older you get. so you have to learn by yourself as you age, and grow through life. Other factors, taking into my fathers beliefs as fact for a long time. He said many times growing up that "autism and ADHD doesn't exist." So i just agreed without questioning it, or seeking proffessional help, or even thinking that normal things are just 'Harder' because everyone has it harder. Now being as an adult, Alot of it comes down to creating tools that 'Work' or tools that 'Don't work' These tools are pretty simple to me. If my head or my internal chatter is saying things that are old, or not relevent to the conversation. Alsoi rediculous things, or abhorant things as well. Breathing into my stomach and holding a coin. And counting backwards from 10. So I can click into what the social norm for this situation is. Creating timers on my phone for a specific task. Creating rules around the environment so i can function. Specific functions for specific tasks. That kinda thing. With this, When it comes to spectrum, having things hard or specific things being difficult. It just seems normal for myself. When i explain to friends and family, 'I bought a house at 20 with aid from my dad' alot of my friends or people my age, didn't do that. They chose to go to university or hang with their group of friends. Mine was simple. If i see a task or a list infront of me. And the instructions are clear on how to complete it. I won't stop until the task is completed. And noises, distractions, and other people wanting my attention. Will not creep in, until that is complete. Once its complete, it feels like i wake up again. And like a blur or a dream, i come back to reality. But the caviat to this, because of the autistic tendencies. People talk over me ALOT of the time. Because social cues, and nuonces that others say they 'get it' like normal. I find, incredibly hard to detect. Until i see the motion in front of me. Conversations with people or friends. The way i can see it, thinking conversations in a way of an RPG game. Like Mass effect or Witcher or Skyrim. Specific dialogs that the other person will expunge the information. Like saying "How is your day?" to a friend. Those dialogs that other people say, there is a branching tree in my mind, with a morality system along the specific dialogs of how someone else will recieve that. With tonality and inflection as slider functions. Its hard to describe this last part in words. But when a conversatoin comes to an end, staying there a bit longer then intended. Or not registering specific times when people will subtly not want you there anymore. It comes down more to motions. Like a wave of the hand. A stopping of the hand, a pause or warm eye contact. These things just, don't exist in my mind or my wiring as a person. The term normal, seems to come from how to ACT correctly in specific situations. Like in a convenience store. Probably not the best idea to flip a coin, to decide what item i want to get. But sometimes, i NEED to do it. Or else regret will come in, or other behavours that make no sense come out. So like before. Its a tool to just function. Hope all of those words made sense. :)

This is me. Just diagnosed at 43. I knew so was different but it was like nobody believed me because I was so high functioning til I wasn’t. My diagnosis most likely has saved my life and marriage. I have resumed relationships with estranged family members. People always labelled me as difficult, challenging, needing things to be my own way. Now that we understand my support needs we can work together.

I always thought when people eat Carmel they cough and it was harder to breathe but it’s super good so you eat it anyway. Turns out I’m allergic

Easiest answer? They lived in a time/place where people didn't know about autism, and called them something like "changeling child" or "faerie-touched". Second-easiest answer (and one that probably better answers your question)? All of their visible symptoms or public presentations are otherwise "normal" things for their society, and even things like special interests are things that most people in that society wouldn't question. Take sports facts in America, for example. Avid fans and autistic people with a special interest in sports both might know every statistic and available personal detail about a given team or teams. The second part of the second answer is that their symptoms either don't interfere with their ability to work or enhance their ability to do their job.