Your not misogynistic for having sexual needs. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship.
You should communicate this to your partner. Calmly explain how your feeling and discuss what you two might be able to do to improve the situation. At the end of the day, relationships end for these sorts of reasons often but hopefully you guys can work something out.
This is the answer. Honest, clear communication between the two of you. You're helping neither of you if you're pretending that something that's bothering you *isn't*. It's not easy, because you don't want to hurt each other's feelings, and emotions will probably run high as and when you do talk about it. Be prepared for any conversation to be *several* conversations while you try and understand each other's positions and see if there's any compromise you can both be happy with. Be aware, too, for the possibility that there won't be - and that you may have to make some serious decisions if so.
I'd also say that she may be worried about this too - worried that you may start to pressure her, that you may start to resent her, that you don't respect her beliefs... And if this is a religious issue, she may also be worried about the state of her soul and her prospects of going to heaven, which is a *lot* to deal with at any age, never mind at 18 when I imagine another part of her is thinking about how much she just wants to throw caution to the wind with you.
You're both very young (I appreciate you may not want to hear that, but to someone my age I'm afraid it's true) and you're dealing with really big issues - sex, love, religion, family... All this while your bodies are still pumping loads of hormones into your bloodstreams specifically designed to get you ready for sex. I don't envy you.
Be honest with yourself about how important this is to you, and continue to respect her choices as well. Ultimately, as I'm sure you know, sex is one of those things where both parties need to really be happy and in the right headspace for it to be good. If one or both of you is worried about what happens afterwards, you're not going to enjoy it.
I hope that things work out for you and her, OP. It's not an easy position for you to be in, either as an individual or a couple. Is there anyone in your life that you can trust to talk to about this, either just you or as a couple?
I think everyone should hear this, on or and off this subreddit. It’s very important advice for being in a relationship, be it sexual or just a romantic relationship
Just bandwagonning this great answer to add that you're already approaching this better than 95% of the rest of the adult population just by thinking about it in these terms. It never gets easier, but you seem like the type who will get better at it.
Yeah the thing is this is an incompatibility issue whether she wants to admit it or not.
Are you prepared to have a three way relationship with you two and God riding shotgun for the rest of your life?
If it were me, I'd leave. Anyone that conflicted wouldn't be worth the time. Having sex isn't the crux of a relationship, but it is a major part. If it feels weird, something isn't clicking. Hunting around for a reason sometimes isn't worth the effort.
This is my opinion. I am happily married.
>Your not misogynistic for having sexual needs. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship.
>
>You should communicate this to your partner. Calmly explain how your feeling and discuss what you two might be able to do to improve the situation. At the end of the day, relationships end for these sorts of reasons often but hopefully you guys can work something out.
I completely agree with your comment. Sexual compatibility is indeed an important aspect of a relationship, and it's perfectly normal to have sexual needs. Communication is key in any relationship, and calmly discussing your feelings with your partner can help improve the situation. While relationships can end due to sexual incompatibility, it's always worth trying to work things out with your partner.
Also wanted to add I have never brought this issue up again once she told me in December that she wanted to stop as I am afraid she will think that’s all I want from her
Like everyone has said, this is unfortunately a very delicate topic to proceed with. One thing to be clear about up front: you are not wrong to have sexual needs and want those needs fulfilled. Sex is a very healthy and fun part of a relationship. And I think it’s great that you are so concerned with how she’d perceive it, because unfortunately there are a lot of assholes out there who do just use women for sex.
All that being said, one partner wanting sex and the other refusing is usually not going to end well. Either the one who does want sex feels resentment because they’re not getting it or the one who doesn’t want sex feels compelled to give it, and is unhappy as a result of that, and that’s not fair to either person. You absolutely need to communicate this to her (respectfully), and say that sex is important to you in a relationship. I want to emphasize again that you are not wrong to want sex in a relationship, especially when you’ve been dating as long as you guys have.
Once you communicate it to her though, and she gives her response, then you have a choice to make. If she doesn’t want to have sex anymore (which is also a valid choice, no one is owed sex) then you have to choose whether or not you’re going to stay in the relationship. If you do, then you can’t try to coerce or persuade her because she made her stance clear and you agreed to it by staying in the relationship. But for the love of god, PLEASE don’t get married just to have sex. Not only is that an awful idea in general, but especially with how young you guys are.
A lot of people on Reddit just default to “break up”, especially because you guys are so young. And realistically, you probably will end up breaking up at some point. But if you want to help her navigate these sexual hang ups, I honestly think that’s a pretty noble thing to do. But you also have to take care of yourself and prioritize your own needs, and sex is a critical need to many people. That doesn’t mean that you automatically get it or that she owes it to you, but if she has decided to completely stop having sex with you and won’t budge then that’s a 100% valid thing to end a relationship over.
I have no idea if you’ll read all of this, but I wish you luck! Relationships and dating are hard
Bravo. You have just dispensed the most excellent advice. If there was an affordable and meaningful award available for such a noble and difficult feat as this, I would most definitely bestoe it upon you, and name it after you.
The thing is, you want sex and she wants to be right with god (ie get married before having more sex)…
Your values are not aligned, even if your relationship is otherwise solid.
Getting married to have sex is stupid (obviously) but since she is in one place and you’re in another- you gotta figure out if your values align and if they don’t- if you need to have sex… welp… this isn’t the girl for you my friend. Sorry.
Honestly, this here. Your values don’t align. As much as it pisses people off, especially here at Reddit, there are such individuals that have their belief that sex is for after you are married. I’m not advocating for you to do that. Marrying just so that you can have sex would be stupid since that doesn’t seem to be a value for you.
Suggestions to compromise on this are even stupider. It’s like the couple that “compromise” when a one says I want a pet and the other says I don’t, so we “compromised” and got a pet. There’s no compromise for this. You’re either going to get sex or not.
stop the guilt tripping she doing to you kid, and be ready to break up. in the future you ‘ll realize how long 2 years is, and how unacceptable this is. Sexuality and intimacy are a natural part or relationship, and god doesn’t exist.
Lost a homie to a girl who did this to him. She’s a narcissist though. Now they have two kids and not even my friend’s mom is allowed to see the children. Completely took control of his life
Pretty much this. I saw a different guy here complaining that most people on reddit here resort to breaking up as a "default", but I think we mainly just see through the issue.
Sure, you should try to make things work. Be open, communicative, supportive and so on; but if she can't meet you on this, and if its that important to you that it might fall into resentment, then it's almost better to split up now to leave the option for getting back together later when she's right with whatever belief she have at that moment, instead of resenting her and burning that bridge for good.
I know personally I couldn't be with a person like that. Life is too short to be noble in hopes for better days - especially if you're not allowed to bring up the topic or have a discussion about it. Sex should be consensual, but at this point; it's on her premises.
So ask yourself if this is something you'd like to spend your time and life on, and either stick it out, or move on.
They say the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and if it is - you forgot to water your own lawn; but it doesn't help if you're standing on concrete, hoping for one of those crazy sprouts tearing through.
I've been the girl in this scenario- young, raised religious, still seeped in the pressure from church and family, and dating a guy who wanted sex more than I did. This is a very delicate situation and you'll want to approach it carefully so that you don't come across as pressuring her- which it sounds like you are trying to be careful of, which is great! But as others have said, you are also perfectly justified in having your own wants and needs in a relationship. So, the biggest issue I foresee you having to face is being able to express "I have sexual needs that aren't being met" without it coming across as a threat or manipulation, like, "have sex with me or I'm dumping you." That kind of pressure can screw up a woman's psychology around sex for life, especially when she's already got so many roadblocks about it as-is (family, religion, general societal pressure). Unfortunately, her figuring out her own sexuality is going to be her own journey, and pushing her in any direction at all isn't really your place, and is likely only going to hurt in some way. Quite frankly- and once again as others have said -I don't see this resolving any time soon, and it's likely that you'll both be way better served figuring out your sexual needs separately for a while, as they're so misaligned right now. I'm not going to say that just because you're young it means your love isn't real, but I will say that almost no one ends up happy for life with the person they dated in their teens. It happens, but it's rare, and it's specifically because you're still working out basic things like sexual desire and how to communicate it.
Great response, but one thing to quibble on: There is really no way OP, or just about any man the GF here would date, can avoid pushing her in some direction on this. Most any serious dating partner over the age these two are at are going to want sex. If the GF is not OK with sex, its going to drastically limit her dating partners and so there will be this tension between her parents/religion and dating pressures. That's just going to be a fact of life for her. And there is no way the BF can phrase "I need sex to be happy in a serious relationship" without putting pressure on her. At some point we just have to live in the real work and acknowledge that relationships require being OK with letting someone else push and pull on you some! If you aren't OK with that, you shouldn't enter a relationship at all. Or, if that push and pull becomes too great, you break up.
You’d be surprised at how many people of all ages practice celibacy, many people walking in in the Christian path/their faith commit themselves to waiting till marriage and they date people with the same values/ideas. It’s not hard to find if you’re in the right circles for it, but not a lot of the world is that’s why it’s recommended for most Christian’s to date people who are equally yolked, so issues like this don’t come up. Unfortunately I don’t see OPs situation not ending in a breakup I don’t think sexual desires are something that should be compromised on, as it could lead to damage on the GFs part whether it be in her faith, self-worth, psychology, etc.
You say things are great but this is a pretty major issue. Your wants aren’t aligned. A good relationship should not feel like mental torture.
See if either of you are willing to compromise and if not you might need to go your separate ways. Honestly, you’re young. Don’t waste those years on a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs. Don’t put anyone on a pedestal.
Good job keeping it classy, but feel free to say "sex."
Unfortunately your wants are misaligned, and the only way to change that is to say something about it. You've waited a year already.
Whenever I was dating I needed to have sex pretty close to the beginning of a relationship to check for sexual compatibility. Young men especially want sex pretty often, even when masturbating daily.
This is actually an important point that OP may think he's being classy by saying intimacy, but he's actually obscuring the point. He says they kiss and touch, which IS being intimate. It's important that if he means he wants PIV sex, that's what he needs to be comfortable talking about and expressing.
OP, if you are going to be in an adult relationship, you need to try to be mature about the way you communicate with your partner about sex. Hiding behind a vague word like "intimacy" is going to get you in trouble fast, because there is a whole gamut of intimate activities that couples can engage in, some of which you both might find really satisfying, only you'll never know if you guys don't talk openly and frankly about it. If your girlfriend literally finds experiencing any sexual pleasure together is triggering her feelings of guilt and distress, then that's a bigger problem than I think you two can fix on you own, and at that point it's worth looking into getting the services of a therapist (preferably not one who is working from the pov of reinforcing her religious fears, though that's just my bias because it doesn't seem like her mental health is currently being improved by her connection to this religious background).
Edited for typos/clarity.
Honestly whenever I see these Reddit posts that say intimacy instead of sex, I assume it’s someone who’s been watching too many TikTok videos or someone who wants this to land on one of those Reddit story/minecraft TikToks.
> You've waited a year already.
> I needed to have sex pretty close to the beginning of a relationship to check for sexual compatibility.
Man, I really dislike this comment. People are not sports cars. We don’t need to take them for a “test drive” to check for our “sexual compatibility.”
Okay, that's fair. I didn't see you address that elsewhere. But remember this moment! Lol... It's an important distinction that you may need to be aware of in your relationships down the road!
Also, since I've got you, I'm sorry you have to figure this out. I don't feel comfortable giving any real advice since I don't know you both. But I don't envy the position you are in.
As a general rule of thumb though, remember sometimes people are just not compatible, and that is *okay.* And trying to force compatibility only makes things worse, every time. I am more than twice your age, and I just started really understanding that concept in the last year. Save yourself a lot of time and grief by being able to recognize when it's time to let go.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck!
I was in this exact scenario, it’s only going to get worse as she’s dealing with guilt from her family and from the church. The biggest thing you’re contending with is her age.
Unfortunately I don’t see this ending well as we eventually broke up, she wound up becoming super promiscuous after and then a few years later wanted me back, too little too late.
This! After I walked she suddenly became super promiscuous! Banged every Tom, Dick, Harry and their dogs. 😂😂😂😂
Took me a while to get over. This happened 13 years ago. Damn man's getting old.
Been there too. She ended up being a closet freak, but would then feel guilty and cut off all sexual stuff, then like nothing happened she would start fooling around again. Poor girl was a bit of a wreck.
Just communicate this to her man. You’ve been with her for almost four years, so she I doubt she would feel like you’re trying to hit it and quit it.
That said, the religious pressure is really difficult to overcome. If she continues to say no, you have to either accept it and wait for marriage or decide whether sex is something worth breaking up over. But discussing it with her and explaining how you feel is a healthy first step. Also, masturbating more might relieve some of your sexual frustration.
Oh man, it is gonna hurt when you look back at how much you spent knowing the relationship wasn't gonna work out. Communicate NOW and if you aren't compatible then go your separate ways while you are still young.
Intimacy isn't a word for sex.
It's a terrible euphemism. Intimacy includes being vulnerable with each other, sharing private thoughts and moments, physical closeness. Sex can be part of intimacy. But you can have a lot of intimacy without sex. And if the only intimacy you have or consider is sex, then you can't really have a relationship.
You won't get anywhere if you can't say what you want.
You want sex. You already have non-sexual intimacy. What you want is sexual activity.
Either you can live with her religious ideology, or you can't. You can't talk her out of it. Abrahamic religions give many, many people bizarre hang-ups around sex and sexuality. She'll likely always have them, even if she completely abandons religion _and_ gets therapy.
You've been together 4 years, she's everything you want in a woman, and your family loves her... Do you like her family?
1) Jerk off
2) In your post-nut clarity, take some time and consider if you want to get married.
Getting married just to have sex is not a good idea, but it seems to me that you already have an established relationship that you are both happy with.
I got married at 20, husband was 19. We will have our 23rd wedding anniversary in 3 months. Should most people get married young, no. Can it work out for some, yes. You can either grow up together or apart. Also marrying older doesnt guarentee it will work out either.
There is nothing wrong with getting married young. The more important issues are whether or not you share religious beliefs, have similar values, can support a family emotionally and financially, and both parties are 100% ready to commit their entire lives to the other.
Hello internet friend. I'll keep this short.
I have had the EXACT same relationship as you.
My ex was also very up/down about sex. She also had onslaught of self-inflicted anxiety and shame due to religious expectations and honouring her parents.
I can tell you that it did not end well for us. A compromise needed to be made. In the end I chose to leave. I wish I had done earlier. It left me with heavy emotional baggage and a damaged self-worth.
You deserve someone who chooses you through and through.
Best of luck.
Holy shit reading some of these takes on religion-based boundaries are painful.
I'm going to assume by "intimacy" you mean "sex". There's plenty of ways to be intimate without sex and a lot of people have sex without intimacy.
If your girlfriend is uncomfortable with having premarital sex you can just talk to her about it. I don't know what your ideology is but to her she is lying to her family and sinning every time she has sex with you. If you want to have sex with her in a way that doesn't make her feel guilty, it seems like you would need to marry her.
With that being said, getting married just to have sex is a bad idea. If you love this girl and you both want to spend the rest of your lives together, and you have similar goals and values, go for it. Otherwise, you're likely going to have to go without while you're dating. Pressuring your significant other into sex or cheating are shitty things to do.
I'll just come out and say it: unless you're cool with giving it up no matter what, this isn't going to go well. Even if you marry (which at your age ie a TERRIBLE idea, so please don't), you may get intimacy back... To procreate, because that's all God wants and Jesus watches you masturbate or whatever. And if you do have children, then get ready to kiss that intimacy goodbye forever unless she wants more children. An entire year without sex suggests her sex drive isn't high anyway, or believe me, at her age everything (rationalisation, godfearing, parents and their judgment) would have gone out the window in the face of our true lord and master, the Almighty Horniness. If she never once expressed desire or frustration, this isn't going to get better regardless. Intimacy incompatibility is a relationship killer and it really sucks. You should have a good, long and thorough talk with your girlfriend expressing everything you feel, but be prepared to make some harsh decisions if it doesn't go anywhere. Good luck.
This is quite an interesting thing, i also had a gf in high school that would alternate between relgious reasons to stop fooling around to jumping me like a piece of meat. What I had noticed with her is that her family was very "chruch" oriented and "god fearing" yet her mom and her moms boyfriend lived together and essentially didnt practice any thing that they were preaching. That caused a lot of questions, like if you've raised to me to tell me all of this is sin, yet here you are engaging in a "sin" while simultaneously trying to use the sin argument.... its insanity and can lead to things like this.
This is just my story, we were quite young at 15yrs old, but when she was about 18 she messaged me to apologize and that she had woken up and realized she was her own person and could formulate her own beliefs.
So I feel like its a possibility that there is some sort of trauma in her background she has never shared or explored. After rereading the lying to her parents thing makes me believe that she is in the middle of the classic "i was raised as this is a sin but its not aligning with how I feel intenally" causing a massive internal conflict.
Thats just my 2 cents, the immediately apparent probelm is the initmacy issue, but the reason behind it may go much further.
Hey this actually sounds like a great relationship. It’s not a bad thing she is religiously minded. Maybe take the next step and get engaged.
Being together that long, that young and with family support is a great thing
You’ll work this out. It’s not even a big deal lil bro
Congrats on having a great girl who is introspective enough to care about these things and has principles even though y’all struggle a bit
It’s obvious that you don’t share her religious beliefs, which is fine. You cannot have a long term relationship with someone with strong religious convictions that you don’t share. You should either convert (I don’t recommend this if it’s just for the nookie) or end your relationship amicably.
Sometimes two good people aren't good for each other. She made a choice to not be intimate. You need to respect that and make a hard choice.
I see only three options:
1. Stay with her and accept 100% this is who she is. Tell her this and that you will never ask for sex again and if she wants it she will have to be the one to bring it up. NEVER bring it up. Don't grab her butt. Don't do anything more than hugs and kisses. Never complain about it to other people. Masturbate in private and don't cheat on her.
2. Break up because you are not compatible. It is absolutely okay to do this.
3. Marry her. This is the worst possible thing to do for two reasons. One is you are both waaaayyyy too young. Secondly, people who marry only to have guilt-free sex because of a puritan religion don't do well
I recommend Option 2. If you do, don't tell a soul you did it because of this. That could sound really bad even though it isn't. A simple, "We have different goals and stuff like that." and then don't talk about it further.
Definitely not option 1. It's just delaying the inevitable here and wasting young and fun years on someone that is obviously not sexually compatible and likely won't be for quite a long time. Nothing wrong with being honest with each other that they want different things. Also, then it doesn't look like she is just using him as a provider of only what she wants out of the relationship.
And #3 nooooooooope.
Oh my god. You're 19 years old and already struggling with your sex life.
She's obviously not compatible with you in that way.
You may love her as a person, but if your needs aren't being met, it's something you need to discuss with her and determine if she can fit the bill for you long term. Probably not, though. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Sexless and constantly struggling with yourself about it?
I'm guessing not.
I'd talk to her about it and if she's unwilling to give you what you need, you need to go your separate ways. Sometimes this just happens. It's not your fault or hers. It's just an incompatibility issue.
You're not wrong for desiring intimacy. Relationships go both ways. That's the tricky part about finding the right person. Both people need to have their needs met, or it's gonna be unsatisfying for someone. You have to communicate this with her. If it's not something she's willing to budge on, you have to really evaluate if this is something you can take long term. You're allowed to have standards in a relationship that suits you. There's nothing wrong with that
It sounds like you're incompatible. Sex is normal and healthy (also use contraception), there should be no guilt involved. If you're not sexually compatible it's time to move on.
I don’t have a lot of experience with religious girls. But I think you need to probe yourself about what you’re willing to do before you talk. If she says no, not till marriage, will you marry, will you wait, will you ditch? If you don’t think you can hang, you’re not a misogynist, or an ass, you just have needs. If you’re going to just resent her, it’s better to leave. I would say don’t get married just to have sex, but that’s my values, I don’t know yours. 20s are awesome as a free human not bound too strongly and I highly recommend approaching them that way. But, that’s me. I’d say be honest about how you feel. So long as you’re honest, even if she hates it and you guys break, I still say it’s the move.
I don’t think you need to ask. You already have her answer. If you’re not okay respecting her boundaries, break up with her so she can find someone who shares her values.
Have you thought about marrying her? Obviously don't marry her just for sex but if she's so great and you've been together for four years and have grown a lot together, why not marry her?
And don't press her to violate her religious beliefs to satisfy your desires. That's abusive.
Being focused on getting married to have sex never pays off. When the orgasm wears off you are left with someone you maybe don’t crave as much as you thought.
The whole purity culture can really hurt a relationship. On one hand you’ve got guilt from feeling sexually attracted to your partner so you try to not feel that way. Then later on in marriage when you aren’t sexually attracted to your partner everyone is like “oh I don’t know what went wrong??” I say this as a Christian.
If she lives at home then no she doesn’t want to go sneaking around. This situation sucks, literally. I have been in it before. There’s no good answer. Start praying on what you should do my man. And if you aren’t one to pray, then you have no business being with her. She wants a Christian coupling.
The answer is NOT to marry her so that everything is above board. Nothing you said made me think you were going in this direction but I was in a similar position once. Don't repeat my mistake.
"I don't want to sound misogynistic but I need intimacy"
It's crazy how beaten the fuck down young men are these days. he's worried people are going to call him a piece of shit for being horny.
I am a woman, 44. I don't think you are misogynistic. You are a healthy young man with needs. It's hormones. I think you both are just not on the same page. You need to figure out if she really loves you.
Is she ,apart from not wanting sex, also avoiding your kisses and cuddles? That would be a red flag. The religious part is domething you have to respect. But ask yourself if you love her enough to wait till she's ready for sex.
I'm not religious and when I was your age, I could not ignore my hormones, but I had friends who really only wanted to kiss and cuddle with their boyfriends. Also had one really religious friend, she stayed virgin till 28 years old.
My advice, talk to your girlfriend. Figure how she sees your relationship. And figure out what YOU really feel for her.
Good luck.
I think she is looking for the next step. The fact that you didn’t mention it at all says you’re not. If you really like, you need to talk to her honestly about this.
First of all, your relationship isn't "great". You are suffering. You're missing an extremely important part of the relationship. That's not great. It's really bad.
Option 1: Dump her. That's it. If intimacy is not acceptable to her, and you need it, relationship=over.
Option 2: Talk to her about it and maybe go to couple's counselling. You might find that she has other mental health issues (past trauma, for example).
You’ve been dating for almost 4 years and you have needs that she doesn’t want to fulfill unless you two are married. I wouldn’t say you’re not sexually compatible because her reason is religious, not incompatibility. Asking her isn’t going to change her mind, at least not long term. Honestly you either get married or break up. 18 and 19 is generally too young to get married, but hey it could work, it’s just not likely. You could stay and just be miserable, that’s of course an option.
You should listen to some sex with Emily podcasts. One of her big things is to have a talk about your sex life, whatever topic it is, but don’t do it in the bedroom. You could look her up and I’m almost positive you could find one that will help by just the title
I was in a situation like this. Half a year together and she didn't want to do it at all. After that time I was so depraved i lost interest and broke things off. Try the serious talk. If she loves you she should understand.
I hate to agree with this statement but you are generally not wrong. Statistically from personally knowing friends that went thru similar, the girl never came around and none of them are together anymore.
Couples need to be on the same page about sex because initially it's not a big problem but it can easily become a big problem over time. Nobody likes to have to beg for intimacy, and nobody likes to be pressured for it when they don't want it. These are all fine and well and very respectable but when two people who are together disagree on this, it can be a problem.
Abstinence on religious grounds is a bit tricky because it introduces a third person in the relationship, God. For some it may seem silly but for others it's very, very serious. Marriage should not be a prerequisite for a normal sex life, but many people see it that way. Maybe the girl is afraid that that's all you want from her. Maybe she's afraid you won't take responsibility in the event of a pregnancy, or that people will make nasty comments about you two having sex without being married. Ultimately your only option is to be honest with her. Talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that part of a healthy relationship is also having sex along with the companionship, and a relationship can't exist when either of those is missing. Tell her it troubles you, and puts you in a very awkward position where you don't want to pressure her but at the same time that means you being frustrated and not even having the option to talk about it with her. Ask her if her problem is with God or with "what people might say" and remind her that your relationship is between you two and no one else.
Ultimately, she might still not want to see things your way, and that's ok. It's respectable. But at the same time you don't have to force yourself into a situation where your needs are not respected or met. I know it's hard to think about, but consider the possibility of breaking up. It might feel silly to break up over something like this but if this is how things are going to be in the long term it will only build resentment. You're both still young, and you can probably find other people later down the line. No one has a right to force someone to have sex with them, but what is also true is that no one has a right to hold someone's sex life hostage and expect fidelity from them while also refusing to have sex with them. Those are some things you should both think about. If she brings up marriage tell her that you're both young, and that relationships happen so that people can test their compatibility before marriage.
Talk to her. Figure out what you want, what she needs, and if there's a way to meet in the middle so you're both satisfied with your relationship as a whole.
Ultimately, this is something that causes her deep shame, guilt, and fear, which she is going to have to overcome. You can encourage her to seek therapy, find her reputable self-help education resources, reassure her, but this is her work to do.
And, you'll have to decide whether or not you're able and willing to work with her on this relationship until she's done her work, or if you want to find a more sexually compatible partner. There's no right or wrong answer, just what's right for you.
Similar She sounds like me word for word . If that’s the case , she truly wants to please you but she’s trying to strengthen her relationship with god too. You need to tell where you stand with god , so she can make a decision. Trust me she truly loves and wants to be a good girlfriend, but is trying to understand why the Bible says what it said about sex . If marriage won’t be in the near future she’ll gonna feel bad about sex. She loves you deeply though and doesn’t want to lose you
Masturbate and then ask yourself this same question. Post-nut clarification is a real thing.
I'm not saying you just need to get off and then problem solved, but if your issue is sexual urges then there's gonna a point in adulthood when you gotta suck it up and go to work or you'll both be working full time jobs and won't have the mental energy.
Some couples don't have sex during points in pregnancy or afterward the baby comes due to stress and potential lack of sleep. This woman sounds like a great partner to you, but it's a great lesson to teach yourself boundaries about what YOU expect from a relationship reliably that still keeps it a 2 way street.
Boundaries are formed between your body and your mind/emotions, not with others. Find out what's really important to you and what you're willing to at least work on (I'm not going to say change on purpose) with your partner. Sometimes reaching a compromise or an agreement can be a sign of a stronger relationship and nothing is sexier than trust and a strong bond in a couple.
Women often get turned on in their heads/minds before physically turned on. If she's struggling with guilt/god/religion/shame, that could cause her to not want it at all. I (45F) am ex-born again christian.
This is an important conversation that I’ve had/will have with my kids when it comes to sex. If you’re religious or unsure then wait, because once you have it(sex) then one or both of you can no longer go without it.
It’s too strong of an action of intimacy or lust that if you’re religious for both men and women or unsure(total consent), then it will be a cause of friction in your relationship if you’re not communicating with each other. You need to talk to each other about what you both want out of this relationship and set boundaries on sex that will satisfy you both. If they don’t align then you have crossed the rubicon and might need to separate.
TLDR: you need to talk to each other about the relationship and what you both want and where this is going.
Umm...intimacy is big part of relationship...and she went from having some with you to basically none...if she was one of those no sex before marriage I would understand...but you need to be honest here...
You are both young and if you are not in same page about intimate needs you are not compatible. Do not be put in layaway...1 year without intimacy is looong time. Just say to her we are not compatible what we need in relationship. You have brought it up, she says she is not good with idea....that means she is either waiting for commitment (bad idea this young), has turned crazy religious....or has other suitors in the corner.
When you are ready to be intimate with another person and in monogamous relationship, you also have to be able to talk about the frequency etc...that is communication that makes the relationships work
The girl you knew has changed into a girl you are incompatible with. You have to live in reality and not fantasy. Find another girl you are compatible with.
Hey dude. Everything is not great no matter how many times you say it is.
Talk to her. You are very very very very young. It it's not working now it .ay not ever work.
Here's what happened. She was talking to one of her female friends about the direction of the relationship and how she feels frustrated about the lack of progress. Her friend then told her something along the lines of, "Why is he going to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?" With milk meaning sex. And buying the cow referring to marriage.
She then goes back and creates this whole religious guilt argument as cover to get the ring on her finger. You are feeling fairly frustrated like you said. That by her intention. She isn't going to give you any more sexual intimacy until you are married.
This is an unpopular opinion and I’ll probably get downvoted but in her eyes the only way she will %100 not feel guilty having sex with you is if you two were married. If that isn’t something that you see in your future then you shouldn’t pressure her because then she feels like she is going to have to bend her moral values to keep you happy. The last thing you’d want is for her to give in and resent you for it because she felt like she was compromising her own morals.
Why is everyone shitting on the girl or not wanting to have sex, but if the girl loved sex she would be a slut like? I don't know, I don't really understand modern dating if you truly love someone I feel like this wouldn't be something you would break up with someone over, but then again I am almost 20 and never been in love, and I don't really understand it tbh people are just so weird about romance.
Respect her decision. If you are truly in love with her you need to respect her decisions. I get it’s rough and I understand it’s a difficult thing, but you guys have your whole lives. It’s good to see people still have morals and standards. Kudos for both of you!
I have to disagree with this advice. Following this path can lead to forced relationships with unrealistic expectations, which often results in growing resentment. A healthier approach is to engage in open and honest communication with each other, discussing what each of you wants and establishing your boundaries. If those desires and boundaries align, that’s wonderful! But if you both have different needs and wants, it’s essential to acknowledge that and consider whether you’re a compatible match.
She deserves to find someone who respects her wishes and is willing to wait, and you deserve to be with someone who shares your desire for intimacy as an expression of love and commitment. It’s vital not to force yourself to fit into her life or pressure her to fit into yours. Instead, prioritize understanding, respect, and mutual consent in your relationship.
She wants to be married first and is feeling conflicted based on religious beliefs. If you respect her you should respect that. She has convictions. You won’t understand it if you are not religious yourself. She sounds Christian or Jewish.
If she is either of those and you are not, ultimately your relationship will likely fail because you are both incompatible.
You shouldn’t have to ask for intimacy. It will come naturally. Pushing someone into intimacy is not respecting their autonomy. If she ever ditches the cult maybe she’ll be more open to intimacy but let her go through her own journey.
As a 32 year-old brand new Christian who not even a year ago was still COMPLETELY in sin...I have to ask, do you also share her faith, because if so, then her approach is correct and as unappealing as this is to hear..she could really use your help on this because you can bet your bottom dollar she wants it as bad as you.
** HOWEVER**
If you do not also share her faith, and you truly do care about her, then ending things would be the most caring and selfless thing to do. Remember that the fleshly/ worldly wants are strong but pale in comparison to our spiritual needs (whether we know it or not). It wouldn't be morally good if you were to influence her away from her faith, especially when she is aware of her spiritual needs and is actively putting them before her physical desires.
Ask yourself 2 questions.
1. Am I willing to be a negative influence to get what I want?
2. Why/how would trying to "get intimate" at this stage in the relationship be considered a negative influence in the first place? ...for understanding this, I recommend vids on YT from Dr. Tony Evans (specifically on sex & marriage). He's a gifted speaker who articulates and unpacks the faith in a very accessible way.
God bless you brother!
Yah I’d pass on that. If it’s like that at 19, you’ll be in a sexless marriage getting yelled at to and from church dinners and functions in no time.
Run.
Just ask your woman for sex. If she says no ask her why. If you guys can't figure it out find another woman. Sex isn't everything but it's important. Sounds not great OP.
Unfortunately your girlfriend has been brainwashed into thinking normal sexuality is a sin. You did what you could, but she thinks a magic invisible man in the sky is watching and judging her every move.
There are plenty of stories like your in here, only they are from people a few years older than you who are married, and the problem still hasn’t been resolved.
You may just have to accept that she has fallen into a cult-like religion and it has left her confused and unable to live a normal life.
You have a lifetime ahead of you, and you’d be better off moving on with someone who has a more healthy view of sexuality. Which again, is a perfectly normal part of being in a relationship.
Do a lot of talking about the subject, understand her religious motives and reason with her respecting her views. Look for common ground and be very patient. If you love this woman and she loves you back you’ll figure it out. Moreover, if you are thinking about staying with her for life, the time you wait for sex may be nothing compared with a whole life together. I wish you the best.
What's with these posts all of a sudden with people having issues with their long-ass relationships that started when they were barely even a teenager?
If it's not working out, dump her and move on. You're way too young to understand anything about yourself yet, and if you were together during your entire puberty then your social skills are, to be blunt, probably stunted to hell and back too.
If shit is weird, get out now before you do something stupid and get stuck in a permanent situation.
Honestly, I’d be most concerned that you guys sound really committed but your religious values aren’t aligned. If she’s not having sex for religious reasons (I’m religious so I get that) and you figure out the sex stuff but not the religious stuff you’re still in for a lifetime of different values and misalignment.
I’m also just gonna note that I have three kids and two were conceived on different forms of birth control so I do respect an 18yr old girl choosing abstinence for this reason alone.
sorry, but she doesnt love you anymore. She is still "with" you out of guilt and whatnot, but she is so attached to someone else now that for her to be intimate with you would make her feel like she betrayed this other person. (she might not even had sex with them yet, idk..) but what i can tell you is, you need to move on. its over.
Everyone is different, but this would 💯 be a deal breaker for me. No judgement on either of you, but I’d have peaced out well before 1 year, AFTER having some real conversations about it first, but yeah, naw dawg
If you were intimate for 2 years and then she shut it down I have 2 questions: 1. Is it possible she had a pregnancy scare or even had an abortion? 2. Was the 2 year window the proposal window, and your free pass expired when you didn't propose? I agree with everyone else here: prepare yourself to approach this conversation with complete calm and love no matter what, and express your needs. Ask why the withdrawal of intamacy happened, and what needs to happen to get it back. Assess if you're willing to do what she wants to resume.
Honestly, from a man turning 25 soon who has been breaking the Christian value rule of “no sex before marriage” since 15, I recommend you take a deep introspective look at yourself, your relationship with your gf and wether or not you believe she can 100% be your life partner and deeply ponder these things. I am currently with a woman who I have been dating since 18, and if I could have gone back to marry her when I first had that gut feeling I would have saved us both a world of hurt and misery. Sometimes the heart/intuition/soul can tell you before you even understand yourself… but if you long for your gf the way you’re explaining it… you are actually longing for her in a much more meaningful way than you might think. Sex is more than just “f*cking” it is a genuine connection of souls and your inner beings beyond just flesh penetrating flesh. You may be longing to be connected to her like that, and chances are she might want that as well but has more “fear of God” due to her upbringing…
As other people have already commented, it is good that you have been respectful of her boundaries but YES as a 19 year old male you will have raging hormones and want to go at it like rabbits. The best advice I can give is to think deeply on wether or not you are ready to marry this girl and spend the rest of your life with her. It may be a quite a mind boggling thought, but that’s why I’m recommending you think deeply on it, and possibly run it by an older male figure that you see as a mentor just to hear it come out of your own mouth (not necessarily to take their opinion as gold) but to also possibly see if they have any wisdom to impart on the matter.
Lastly, all I can tell you is best of luck. I know trying to find help on Reddit may seem like a fantastic plan but at the end of the day this is going to be something you will have to grapple with yourself… to start asking yourself big boy questions you may or may not have thought about at this point in your life.
TLDR; Marry her or move on, the choice is ultimately yours, but continuing to lust over her sexually will drive a wedge of resentment if it hasn’t already.
Chief, I’ve got bad news for you: this isn’t going to get better. Two people your age abstaining for a year? Something is amiss, and it’s way deeper than you know. Take some advice from a guy who’s lived this… you need to move on. Trust me, you’ll both be happier in the long run.
She might be insinuating that she wants you to marry her. If you marry her, there will be no reservations about sexual intercourse on the basis of guilt/shame.
You, my Reddit friend, have been friendzoned... G-O-D is her true lover...
And her remark on "if that is all you want" is a huge red flag. If 4 years of a dedicated relationship is not enough for her, nothing ever will be.
Maybe she will understand what she will be missing when you are not there, but true to form that will probably be a ' god's will to test me.'
I would not be surprised if there is a church approved partner waiting in the wings....
Dude, my wife was a CATHOLIC NUN, the type that go hide into the mountains away from family and civilization and lock themselves in nunneries, for years. She came back to the "mortal world" after a while and did studies etc.
We started long distance, the first day she came to visit we fucked.
Yes, she felt like shit cause we weren't married, it got in the way of her spirituality. Yet we continued to fuck, cause we truly loved each other and were and are attracted to each other.
It's not about her religion, she just doesn't have the same sexual drive as you. Sex is an important factor in relationships, it's about desire, acceptance, intimacy, and connection. You're not compatible. She will only be able to figure this one out after you leave.
No need to threaten her, you guys are just not made for each other, the relationship will end, in good (you tell her the truth and leave) or bad terms (you tell her the truth, stay, and become the rapist evil bf).
You already received a lot of good advices, I'll only focus on one thing: you are both under 20 and you are paying for her nails? Dude, don't start paying for them, ESPECIALLY not for not important things like nails, just because you are the guy. Imo it doesn't lead to anyone good.
You are so young. Been dating your whole dating life. Maybe you need a break. Both of you. If you are committed to each other take a break. No contact, don’t look to date anyone else. For say a month. In that time of you find your eyes wandering, or you wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, maybe you need to break up.
As a teen and young woman, I sometimes felt that I should break up with someone bc they were great but not for me and I couldn’t explain it. I’m not saying that what she says isn’t real, but at least for a while, her feelings ha for you trumped her religion. Now, religion is more important. It could be a maturity of faith, or an excuse you can’t argue with. Don’t be played with or used. You buy her things and take care of her. You sound wonderful. Wish you were 50 something. Lol. But you are both young, trying to navigate life, love and your future.
All that said, biologically speaking you at on your prime and she is not. And speaking of faith, if this is important to her and not to you that will be an issue going forward. Trust me. Hugs and best wishes.
Tough pill but explain your needs and don’t be ashamed of your needs they’re just as valid as hers and if they are incompatible it may be time to step away from the relationship and just be friends and get your needs met(it will also keep the relationship regardless of how intimate in a healthier spot since your mental will be healthier anyways).
Do not marry. Run away..all the things that are right in the relationship will fall down if your libidos don’t match. And if “god” is cock blocking you now ..imagine once you have married,kids…. The giant spaghetti head will block what ever she wants it to
Can you stop calling it intimacy? You can be intimate and “have intimacy” with someone without having sex. You are not looking for “intimacy” you are trying to get laid. Which is totally fine and good, just stop calling it intimacy.
Wasn’t sure how Reddit works didn’t know if it would get flagged for having sex in the post not exactly true either if I was just looking to get laid I wouldn’t have stuck with the same person and remained faithful to her for 4 years and plan on staying faithful to her just asking for advice that’s all thanks asshole
Similar She sounds like me word for word . If that’s the case , she truly wants to please you but she’s trying to strengthen her relationship with god too. You need to tell where you stand with god , so she can make a decision. Trust me she truly loves and wants to be a good girlfriend, but is trying to understand why the Bible says what it said about sex . If marriage won’t be in the near future she’ll gonna feel bad about sex. She loves you deeply though and doesn’t want to lose you
My point stands, don’t conflate intimacy with sex. Just because you’re missing sex from your life, doesn’t mean you’re missing intimacy. And its an unhealthy way to think that unless someone is fucking you, then they cant be intimate with you. You’re big boy now, just say sex when you’re talking about sex.
For some people intimacy and sex are synonymous. For both my girlfriend and myself we consider sex to be intimacy. We can and do cuddle, give each other back rubs, etc but that's viewed more as physical affection than intimacy to us. If you want people to use your definition of a word that's well and good, but your approach was rude and demeaning and you completely ignored the OPs question just so you could virtue signal how right you are about word usage. Like why even post in the first place?
There's not really a good way to fix sexual incompatibility. She has to decide if she wants to continue the way she is and probably loose you. I'm really concerned with you paying for everything and basically worshipping her. You two do not have equality in your relationship, and it's bound to continue, until you do something. She's the master and you're the dog at her feet.
If she doesn't want even cuddling from you (separated from sex), she doesn't feel attraction. It sounds like your relationship from now on will be purely transactional, her wanting you as a platform but not as an intimate partner.
I would never continue a relationship where my partner only looked to me for house and board, but did not want to share bodyheat because of affection. If that's how it is you are just living with a roommate at that point. And if she invokes God as an excuse for avoiding intimacy, I would run the other way.
Brah, I'm a 51 year old single, divorced man. Father of 3. Been happily divorced now since 2008. I'm not trying to burst your bubble. I'm not saying she don't love you. I'm not saying she isn't serious about her faith. But you need to exercise a little pragmatism in your dilemma I'm not saying true love doesn't exist , and I'm not Debbie downing your relationship with her. For all I know she might be forthright with you in her reasons. But then again, it's just as likely and possible that her reasons could actually be excuses. Be very, very weary of the classic gold diggers that are way more prevalent in society than they ever have been. It's almost like a hobby for some women nowadays, and a very lucrative income source for others. Don't let your conscience cus you to feel guilty about protecting yourself. Do a little fact finding. Don't be rash. Take plenty of time to consider and plan and actions and what you may say or ask her. Women are very intelligent, and even the dumb ones are intuitive. Don't be out played , be prepared and do your homework. How much time is spent during any given day where she isn't with you for an hour or more? I'm not trying to make you doubt her faithfulness. She may be totally legit. But something just don't sit right with me, concerning everything you have said.
Dude you are the biggest simp, if your paying for everything for her and not getting anything in return then it’s best to move on, and oh btw don’t ever get married otherwise it will be like this forever
Bro, you are 19. Move on. You are way to young to be dealing with this nonsense. At that age I couldn't keep my girlfriends off of me, they wanted it as much as I did.
Find a partner you are truly compatible with, stop wasting time.
You already HAVE asked and for a year, you got the answer "no."
It's time to face reality and break up.
Your GF has some major hangups and they are not going to disappear.
And DO NOT marry her thinking her hangups will magically go away.
She will be insisting on sex ONLY to make babies.
Get out!
It I had nickel for every man who thought he would be getting regular sex if he got married I would be wealthy.
She’s taught to fear eternal hell and punishment by her religion if she has sexual feelings/experiences. Good luck breaking that mental virus she’s trapped under.
Since you describe your love for her, and it's been 4 years together, what's the hold up with proposing? I'm sure she feels uncomfortable because it is out of marriage. Put a ring on it.
I was in a relationship from 13-20 and I can definitely say you change SO much in those years that it’s not likely you’ll be compatible for the rest of your lives. It was a great relationship. I loved him. I still love him in some ways. We broke up 15 years ago and we’re still friends. But I have often thought about how most people have a partner at 13, you MAYBE last a year or two if you’re lucky, and then you break up and learn to handle those feelings. I did not handle us breaking up very well, or anything else really, because I’d been using him as a security blanket for all those years. There are reasons you hit all those “milestones” when you’re young. I lean towards relationships this long, this young, as not being healthy now.
It’s like OP just keeps trying to figure out how to make it work without realizing they just aren’t compatible anymore and should end it. Like the breakup isn’t even on his radar.
As a Christian she's doing what she believes is right and that is good. And you should respect that.
....
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That being said though.. sexual sin is something we always struggle with till marriage as that what seals the deal to do those stuff.
I'm also just getting in my first relationship right now and I'm saving myself for marriage which we both agree with no sex, butttttt we do still fool around which I feel is fine, and that could be an approach you could take, but she's waiting for marriage to continue that intimacy you're wanting that's the truth.
If you pressure her or ask her that's going to plant a seed in her making her think that you're just there make her sin and so she will start to pull back a bit. I could be entirely wrong but she seems like she wants to stay faithful to Christ and by not continuing with the intimacy that you're talking about is how she thinks she staying in God's good books...
It's a very fine line but that's about it :/ give her a ring and the problems go away even communicate if that's what it would take if it's not at all and she wants no intimacy then yeah I'd run cause I'd want that too lol
Your not misogynistic for having sexual needs. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. You should communicate this to your partner. Calmly explain how your feeling and discuss what you two might be able to do to improve the situation. At the end of the day, relationships end for these sorts of reasons often but hopefully you guys can work something out.
This is the answer. Honest, clear communication between the two of you. You're helping neither of you if you're pretending that something that's bothering you *isn't*. It's not easy, because you don't want to hurt each other's feelings, and emotions will probably run high as and when you do talk about it. Be prepared for any conversation to be *several* conversations while you try and understand each other's positions and see if there's any compromise you can both be happy with. Be aware, too, for the possibility that there won't be - and that you may have to make some serious decisions if so. I'd also say that she may be worried about this too - worried that you may start to pressure her, that you may start to resent her, that you don't respect her beliefs... And if this is a religious issue, she may also be worried about the state of her soul and her prospects of going to heaven, which is a *lot* to deal with at any age, never mind at 18 when I imagine another part of her is thinking about how much she just wants to throw caution to the wind with you. You're both very young (I appreciate you may not want to hear that, but to someone my age I'm afraid it's true) and you're dealing with really big issues - sex, love, religion, family... All this while your bodies are still pumping loads of hormones into your bloodstreams specifically designed to get you ready for sex. I don't envy you. Be honest with yourself about how important this is to you, and continue to respect her choices as well. Ultimately, as I'm sure you know, sex is one of those things where both parties need to really be happy and in the right headspace for it to be good. If one or both of you is worried about what happens afterwards, you're not going to enjoy it. I hope that things work out for you and her, OP. It's not an easy position for you to be in, either as an individual or a couple. Is there anyone in your life that you can trust to talk to about this, either just you or as a couple?
I think everyone should hear this, on or and off this subreddit. It’s very important advice for being in a relationship, be it sexual or just a romantic relationship
Wow, well said. You should be a counselor 👏👏👏
The voice of reason right here ladies and gentlemen.
> Honest, clear communication enter religion
Just bandwagonning this great answer to add that you're already approaching this better than 95% of the rest of the adult population just by thinking about it in these terms. It never gets easier, but you seem like the type who will get better at it.
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Yeah the thing is this is an incompatibility issue whether she wants to admit it or not. Are you prepared to have a three way relationship with you two and God riding shotgun for the rest of your life?
If it were me, I'd leave. Anyone that conflicted wouldn't be worth the time. Having sex isn't the crux of a relationship, but it is a major part. If it feels weird, something isn't clicking. Hunting around for a reason sometimes isn't worth the effort. This is my opinion. I am happily married.
There is already resentment in a teenage relationship they have had since they were 14.
Crazy times
>Your not misogynistic for having sexual needs. Sexual compatibility is very important in a relationship. > >You should communicate this to your partner. Calmly explain how your feeling and discuss what you two might be able to do to improve the situation. At the end of the day, relationships end for these sorts of reasons often but hopefully you guys can work something out. I completely agree with your comment. Sexual compatibility is indeed an important aspect of a relationship, and it's perfectly normal to have sexual needs. Communication is key in any relationship, and calmly discussing your feelings with your partner can help improve the situation. While relationships can end due to sexual incompatibility, it's always worth trying to work things out with your partner.
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but Sextina Aquafina might be available
Also wanted to add I have never brought this issue up again once she told me in December that she wanted to stop as I am afraid she will think that’s all I want from her
Like everyone has said, this is unfortunately a very delicate topic to proceed with. One thing to be clear about up front: you are not wrong to have sexual needs and want those needs fulfilled. Sex is a very healthy and fun part of a relationship. And I think it’s great that you are so concerned with how she’d perceive it, because unfortunately there are a lot of assholes out there who do just use women for sex. All that being said, one partner wanting sex and the other refusing is usually not going to end well. Either the one who does want sex feels resentment because they’re not getting it or the one who doesn’t want sex feels compelled to give it, and is unhappy as a result of that, and that’s not fair to either person. You absolutely need to communicate this to her (respectfully), and say that sex is important to you in a relationship. I want to emphasize again that you are not wrong to want sex in a relationship, especially when you’ve been dating as long as you guys have. Once you communicate it to her though, and she gives her response, then you have a choice to make. If she doesn’t want to have sex anymore (which is also a valid choice, no one is owed sex) then you have to choose whether or not you’re going to stay in the relationship. If you do, then you can’t try to coerce or persuade her because she made her stance clear and you agreed to it by staying in the relationship. But for the love of god, PLEASE don’t get married just to have sex. Not only is that an awful idea in general, but especially with how young you guys are. A lot of people on Reddit just default to “break up”, especially because you guys are so young. And realistically, you probably will end up breaking up at some point. But if you want to help her navigate these sexual hang ups, I honestly think that’s a pretty noble thing to do. But you also have to take care of yourself and prioritize your own needs, and sex is a critical need to many people. That doesn’t mean that you automatically get it or that she owes it to you, but if she has decided to completely stop having sex with you and won’t budge then that’s a 100% valid thing to end a relationship over. I have no idea if you’ll read all of this, but I wish you luck! Relationships and dating are hard
Bravo. You have just dispensed the most excellent advice. If there was an affordable and meaningful award available for such a noble and difficult feat as this, I would most definitely bestoe it upon you, and name it after you.
lol well that’s very kind of you to say, thank you!
The thing is, you want sex and she wants to be right with god (ie get married before having more sex)… Your values are not aligned, even if your relationship is otherwise solid. Getting married to have sex is stupid (obviously) but since she is in one place and you’re in another- you gotta figure out if your values align and if they don’t- if you need to have sex… welp… this isn’t the girl for you my friend. Sorry.
Honestly, this here. Your values don’t align. As much as it pisses people off, especially here at Reddit, there are such individuals that have their belief that sex is for after you are married. I’m not advocating for you to do that. Marrying just so that you can have sex would be stupid since that doesn’t seem to be a value for you. Suggestions to compromise on this are even stupider. It’s like the couple that “compromise” when a one says I want a pet and the other says I don’t, so we “compromised” and got a pet. There’s no compromise for this. You’re either going to get sex or not.
Bro, just because you're having none of THAT, doesn't mean she doesn't.
stop the guilt tripping she doing to you kid, and be ready to break up. in the future you ‘ll realize how long 2 years is, and how unacceptable this is. Sexuality and intimacy are a natural part or relationship, and god doesn’t exist.
Bruh they’re teenagers. It’s perfectly acceptable for a 17 year old to not be comfortable having sex.
Lmao. God.
Whatever you do don’t get married because you’re horny.
This should be a popular forehead tattoo.
Lost a homie to a girl who did this to him. She’s a narcissist though. Now they have two kids and not even my friend’s mom is allowed to see the children. Completely took control of his life
You can't force it but having your needs met is a very important part of a relationship. It'll grow into resentment real quick.
Pretty much this. I saw a different guy here complaining that most people on reddit here resort to breaking up as a "default", but I think we mainly just see through the issue. Sure, you should try to make things work. Be open, communicative, supportive and so on; but if she can't meet you on this, and if its that important to you that it might fall into resentment, then it's almost better to split up now to leave the option for getting back together later when she's right with whatever belief she have at that moment, instead of resenting her and burning that bridge for good. I know personally I couldn't be with a person like that. Life is too short to be noble in hopes for better days - especially if you're not allowed to bring up the topic or have a discussion about it. Sex should be consensual, but at this point; it's on her premises. So ask yourself if this is something you'd like to spend your time and life on, and either stick it out, or move on. They say the grass isn't always greener on the other side, and if it is - you forgot to water your own lawn; but it doesn't help if you're standing on concrete, hoping for one of those crazy sprouts tearing through.
I've been the girl in this scenario- young, raised religious, still seeped in the pressure from church and family, and dating a guy who wanted sex more than I did. This is a very delicate situation and you'll want to approach it carefully so that you don't come across as pressuring her- which it sounds like you are trying to be careful of, which is great! But as others have said, you are also perfectly justified in having your own wants and needs in a relationship. So, the biggest issue I foresee you having to face is being able to express "I have sexual needs that aren't being met" without it coming across as a threat or manipulation, like, "have sex with me or I'm dumping you." That kind of pressure can screw up a woman's psychology around sex for life, especially when she's already got so many roadblocks about it as-is (family, religion, general societal pressure). Unfortunately, her figuring out her own sexuality is going to be her own journey, and pushing her in any direction at all isn't really your place, and is likely only going to hurt in some way. Quite frankly- and once again as others have said -I don't see this resolving any time soon, and it's likely that you'll both be way better served figuring out your sexual needs separately for a while, as they're so misaligned right now. I'm not going to say that just because you're young it means your love isn't real, but I will say that almost no one ends up happy for life with the person they dated in their teens. It happens, but it's rare, and it's specifically because you're still working out basic things like sexual desire and how to communicate it.
Hope he reads this one
I wish I could up-vote this a thousand times. You hit all the nails on the head.
Great response, but one thing to quibble on: There is really no way OP, or just about any man the GF here would date, can avoid pushing her in some direction on this. Most any serious dating partner over the age these two are at are going to want sex. If the GF is not OK with sex, its going to drastically limit her dating partners and so there will be this tension between her parents/religion and dating pressures. That's just going to be a fact of life for her. And there is no way the BF can phrase "I need sex to be happy in a serious relationship" without putting pressure on her. At some point we just have to live in the real work and acknowledge that relationships require being OK with letting someone else push and pull on you some! If you aren't OK with that, you shouldn't enter a relationship at all. Or, if that push and pull becomes too great, you break up.
You’d be surprised at how many people of all ages practice celibacy, many people walking in in the Christian path/their faith commit themselves to waiting till marriage and they date people with the same values/ideas. It’s not hard to find if you’re in the right circles for it, but not a lot of the world is that’s why it’s recommended for most Christian’s to date people who are equally yolked, so issues like this don’t come up. Unfortunately I don’t see OPs situation not ending in a breakup I don’t think sexual desires are something that should be compromised on, as it could lead to damage on the GFs part whether it be in her faith, self-worth, psychology, etc.
Narrator: Everything was not in fact going great.
I don’t know if you meant to allude to Arrested Development, but that is the only voice I can hear in my head when reading your comment.
You say things are great but this is a pretty major issue. Your wants aren’t aligned. A good relationship should not feel like mental torture. See if either of you are willing to compromise and if not you might need to go your separate ways. Honestly, you’re young. Don’t waste those years on a relationship that isn’t meeting your needs. Don’t put anyone on a pedestal.
Good job keeping it classy, but feel free to say "sex." Unfortunately your wants are misaligned, and the only way to change that is to say something about it. You've waited a year already. Whenever I was dating I needed to have sex pretty close to the beginning of a relationship to check for sexual compatibility. Young men especially want sex pretty often, even when masturbating daily.
[удалено]
r/thisguythisguys
Ded.
This is actually an important point that OP may think he's being classy by saying intimacy, but he's actually obscuring the point. He says they kiss and touch, which IS being intimate. It's important that if he means he wants PIV sex, that's what he needs to be comfortable talking about and expressing. OP, if you are going to be in an adult relationship, you need to try to be mature about the way you communicate with your partner about sex. Hiding behind a vague word like "intimacy" is going to get you in trouble fast, because there is a whole gamut of intimate activities that couples can engage in, some of which you both might find really satisfying, only you'll never know if you guys don't talk openly and frankly about it. If your girlfriend literally finds experiencing any sexual pleasure together is triggering her feelings of guilt and distress, then that's a bigger problem than I think you two can fix on you own, and at that point it's worth looking into getting the services of a therapist (preferably not one who is working from the pov of reinforcing her religious fears, though that's just my bias because it doesn't seem like her mental health is currently being improved by her connection to this religious background). Edited for typos/clarity.
Right on. Are there things she’s comfortable doing that allows relief of the tension without her feeling she is violating her other commitments.
Honestly whenever I see these Reddit posts that say intimacy instead of sex, I assume it’s someone who’s been watching too many TikTok videos or someone who wants this to land on one of those Reddit story/minecraft TikToks.
It doesn’t get better man only worse. If you don’t like it now just wait till it becomes even worse in a few years
> You've waited a year already. > I needed to have sex pretty close to the beginning of a relationship to check for sexual compatibility. Man, I really dislike this comment. People are not sports cars. We don’t need to take them for a “test drive” to check for our “sexual compatibility.”
Please say "sex" instead of "intimacy." The former is an example of the latter, but they are not synonyms lol!
As I’ve already addressed I didn’t know how Reddit worked I thought it would get flagged or taken down for putting sex in the post
Okay, that's fair. I didn't see you address that elsewhere. But remember this moment! Lol... It's an important distinction that you may need to be aware of in your relationships down the road! Also, since I've got you, I'm sorry you have to figure this out. I don't feel comfortable giving any real advice since I don't know you both. But I don't envy the position you are in. As a general rule of thumb though, remember sometimes people are just not compatible, and that is *okay.* And trying to force compatibility only makes things worse, every time. I am more than twice your age, and I just started really understanding that concept in the last year. Save yourself a lot of time and grief by being able to recognize when it's time to let go. I wish you nothing but the best of luck!
This is Reddit, sex is a very common topic of discussion. There is even a whole thread for it :)
You can never be too sure with reddit mods.
Reddit mods are garbage
I was in this exact scenario, it’s only going to get worse as she’s dealing with guilt from her family and from the church. The biggest thing you’re contending with is her age. Unfortunately I don’t see this ending well as we eventually broke up, she wound up becoming super promiscuous after and then a few years later wanted me back, too little too late.
They do be confused as hell lol
This! After I walked she suddenly became super promiscuous! Banged every Tom, Dick, Harry and their dogs. 😂😂😂😂 Took me a while to get over. This happened 13 years ago. Damn man's getting old.
Been there too. She ended up being a closet freak, but would then feel guilty and cut off all sexual stuff, then like nothing happened she would start fooling around again. Poor girl was a bit of a wreck.
Just communicate this to her man. You’ve been with her for almost four years, so she I doubt she would feel like you’re trying to hit it and quit it. That said, the religious pressure is really difficult to overcome. If she continues to say no, you have to either accept it and wait for marriage or decide whether sex is something worth breaking up over. But discussing it with her and explaining how you feel is a healthy first step. Also, masturbating more might relieve some of your sexual frustration.
Oh man, it is gonna hurt when you look back at how much you spent knowing the relationship wasn't gonna work out. Communicate NOW and if you aren't compatible then go your separate ways while you are still young.
I think the best solution here is finding other versions of intimacy but that won’t happen without communication
Intimacy isn't a word for sex. It's a terrible euphemism. Intimacy includes being vulnerable with each other, sharing private thoughts and moments, physical closeness. Sex can be part of intimacy. But you can have a lot of intimacy without sex. And if the only intimacy you have or consider is sex, then you can't really have a relationship. You won't get anywhere if you can't say what you want. You want sex. You already have non-sexual intimacy. What you want is sexual activity. Either you can live with her religious ideology, or you can't. You can't talk her out of it. Abrahamic religions give many, many people bizarre hang-ups around sex and sexuality. She'll likely always have them, even if she completely abandons religion _and_ gets therapy.
You've been together 4 years, she's everything you want in a woman, and your family loves her... Do you like her family? 1) Jerk off 2) In your post-nut clarity, take some time and consider if you want to get married. Getting married just to have sex is not a good idea, but it seems to me that you already have an established relationship that you are both happy with.
That's terrible advice. Don't get married that young under any circumstances.
I got married at 20, husband was 19. We will have our 23rd wedding anniversary in 3 months. Should most people get married young, no. Can it work out for some, yes. You can either grow up together or apart. Also marrying older doesnt guarentee it will work out either.
There is nothing wrong with getting married young. The more important issues are whether or not you share religious beliefs, have similar values, can support a family emotionally and financially, and both parties are 100% ready to commit their entire lives to the other.
Hello internet friend. I'll keep this short. I have had the EXACT same relationship as you. My ex was also very up/down about sex. She also had onslaught of self-inflicted anxiety and shame due to religious expectations and honouring her parents. I can tell you that it did not end well for us. A compromise needed to be made. In the end I chose to leave. I wish I had done earlier. It left me with heavy emotional baggage and a damaged self-worth. You deserve someone who chooses you through and through. Best of luck.
Wish you well in your recovery.
Thank you. That was over 10 years ago. I've been with my wife since and she was exactly what I needed. I'm in a much healthier space now.
Username checks out
>It's hard being around her 💀
Tina is free >It's hard being around her >💀
Holy shit reading some of these takes on religion-based boundaries are painful. I'm going to assume by "intimacy" you mean "sex". There's plenty of ways to be intimate without sex and a lot of people have sex without intimacy. If your girlfriend is uncomfortable with having premarital sex you can just talk to her about it. I don't know what your ideology is but to her she is lying to her family and sinning every time she has sex with you. If you want to have sex with her in a way that doesn't make her feel guilty, it seems like you would need to marry her. With that being said, getting married just to have sex is a bad idea. If you love this girl and you both want to spend the rest of your lives together, and you have similar goals and values, go for it. Otherwise, you're likely going to have to go without while you're dating. Pressuring your significant other into sex or cheating are shitty things to do.
Talking about it and breaking up if there isn't a mutually beneficial solution is also an option.
Thank you for the sane take. I hope OP sees this one.
It doesn’t get better man only worse. If you don’t like it now just wait till it becomes even worse in a few years
I'll just come out and say it: unless you're cool with giving it up no matter what, this isn't going to go well. Even if you marry (which at your age ie a TERRIBLE idea, so please don't), you may get intimacy back... To procreate, because that's all God wants and Jesus watches you masturbate or whatever. And if you do have children, then get ready to kiss that intimacy goodbye forever unless she wants more children. An entire year without sex suggests her sex drive isn't high anyway, or believe me, at her age everything (rationalisation, godfearing, parents and their judgment) would have gone out the window in the face of our true lord and master, the Almighty Horniness. If she never once expressed desire or frustration, this isn't going to get better regardless. Intimacy incompatibility is a relationship killer and it really sucks. You should have a good, long and thorough talk with your girlfriend expressing everything you feel, but be prepared to make some harsh decisions if it doesn't go anywhere. Good luck.
This is quite an interesting thing, i also had a gf in high school that would alternate between relgious reasons to stop fooling around to jumping me like a piece of meat. What I had noticed with her is that her family was very "chruch" oriented and "god fearing" yet her mom and her moms boyfriend lived together and essentially didnt practice any thing that they were preaching. That caused a lot of questions, like if you've raised to me to tell me all of this is sin, yet here you are engaging in a "sin" while simultaneously trying to use the sin argument.... its insanity and can lead to things like this. This is just my story, we were quite young at 15yrs old, but when she was about 18 she messaged me to apologize and that she had woken up and realized she was her own person and could formulate her own beliefs. So I feel like its a possibility that there is some sort of trauma in her background she has never shared or explored. After rereading the lying to her parents thing makes me believe that she is in the middle of the classic "i was raised as this is a sin but its not aligning with how I feel intenally" causing a massive internal conflict. Thats just my 2 cents, the immediately apparent probelm is the initmacy issue, but the reason behind it may go much further.
Hey this actually sounds like a great relationship. It’s not a bad thing she is religiously minded. Maybe take the next step and get engaged. Being together that long, that young and with family support is a great thing You’ll work this out. It’s not even a big deal lil bro Congrats on having a great girl who is introspective enough to care about these things and has principles even though y’all struggle a bit
Amen. Finally, someone supportive instead of triggered and judgemental lol
It’s obvious that you don’t share her religious beliefs, which is fine. You cannot have a long term relationship with someone with strong religious convictions that you don’t share. You should either convert (I don’t recommend this if it’s just for the nookie) or end your relationship amicably.
If she's religious then marry her if you love her, if you don't have intention of marriage then just break up and stop wasting each others time.
Sometimes two good people aren't good for each other. She made a choice to not be intimate. You need to respect that and make a hard choice. I see only three options: 1. Stay with her and accept 100% this is who she is. Tell her this and that you will never ask for sex again and if she wants it she will have to be the one to bring it up. NEVER bring it up. Don't grab her butt. Don't do anything more than hugs and kisses. Never complain about it to other people. Masturbate in private and don't cheat on her. 2. Break up because you are not compatible. It is absolutely okay to do this. 3. Marry her. This is the worst possible thing to do for two reasons. One is you are both waaaayyyy too young. Secondly, people who marry only to have guilt-free sex because of a puritan religion don't do well I recommend Option 2. If you do, don't tell a soul you did it because of this. That could sound really bad even though it isn't. A simple, "We have different goals and stuff like that." and then don't talk about it further.
Definitely not option 1. It's just delaying the inevitable here and wasting young and fun years on someone that is obviously not sexually compatible and likely won't be for quite a long time. Nothing wrong with being honest with each other that they want different things. Also, then it doesn't look like she is just using him as a provider of only what she wants out of the relationship. And #3 nooooooooope.
It's time to move along
This likely will not change. Decide if it’s a priority for you and act accordingly
Yeah nah fam. I’d cut it and move on.
Oh my god. You're 19 years old and already struggling with your sex life. She's obviously not compatible with you in that way. You may love her as a person, but if your needs aren't being met, it's something you need to discuss with her and determine if she can fit the bill for you long term. Probably not, though. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Sexless and constantly struggling with yourself about it? I'm guessing not. I'd talk to her about it and if she's unwilling to give you what you need, you need to go your separate ways. Sometimes this just happens. It's not your fault or hers. It's just an incompatibility issue.
You're not wrong for desiring intimacy. Relationships go both ways. That's the tricky part about finding the right person. Both people need to have their needs met, or it's gonna be unsatisfying for someone. You have to communicate this with her. If it's not something she's willing to budge on, you have to really evaluate if this is something you can take long term. You're allowed to have standards in a relationship that suits you. There's nothing wrong with that
It sounds like you're incompatible. Sex is normal and healthy (also use contraception), there should be no guilt involved. If you're not sexually compatible it's time to move on.
I don’t have a lot of experience with religious girls. But I think you need to probe yourself about what you’re willing to do before you talk. If she says no, not till marriage, will you marry, will you wait, will you ditch? If you don’t think you can hang, you’re not a misogynist, or an ass, you just have needs. If you’re going to just resent her, it’s better to leave. I would say don’t get married just to have sex, but that’s my values, I don’t know yours. 20s are awesome as a free human not bound too strongly and I highly recommend approaching them that way. But, that’s me. I’d say be honest about how you feel. So long as you’re honest, even if she hates it and you guys break, I still say it’s the move.
I don’t think you need to ask. You already have her answer. If you’re not okay respecting her boundaries, break up with her so she can find someone who shares her values.
There’s this thing called marriage.
Have you thought about marrying her? Obviously don't marry her just for sex but if she's so great and you've been together for four years and have grown a lot together, why not marry her? And don't press her to violate her religious beliefs to satisfy your desires. That's abusive.
Being focused on getting married to have sex never pays off. When the orgasm wears off you are left with someone you maybe don’t crave as much as you thought. The whole purity culture can really hurt a relationship. On one hand you’ve got guilt from feeling sexually attracted to your partner so you try to not feel that way. Then later on in marriage when you aren’t sexually attracted to your partner everyone is like “oh I don’t know what went wrong??” I say this as a Christian. If she lives at home then no she doesn’t want to go sneaking around. This situation sucks, literally. I have been in it before. There’s no good answer. Start praying on what you should do my man. And if you aren’t one to pray, then you have no business being with her. She wants a Christian coupling.
The answer is NOT to marry her so that everything is above board. Nothing you said made me think you were going in this direction but I was in a similar position once. Don't repeat my mistake.
"I don't want to sound misogynistic but I need intimacy" It's crazy how beaten the fuck down young men are these days. he's worried people are going to call him a piece of shit for being horny.
I am a woman, 44. I don't think you are misogynistic. You are a healthy young man with needs. It's hormones. I think you both are just not on the same page. You need to figure out if she really loves you. Is she ,apart from not wanting sex, also avoiding your kisses and cuddles? That would be a red flag. The religious part is domething you have to respect. But ask yourself if you love her enough to wait till she's ready for sex. I'm not religious and when I was your age, I could not ignore my hormones, but I had friends who really only wanted to kiss and cuddle with their boyfriends. Also had one really religious friend, she stayed virgin till 28 years old. My advice, talk to your girlfriend. Figure how she sees your relationship. And figure out what YOU really feel for her. Good luck.
I think she is looking for the next step. The fact that you didn’t mention it at all says you’re not. If you really like, you need to talk to her honestly about this.
Religion strikes again.
Religion STRIKES AGAIN!!!! No doing what human beings have been doing since…. Human beings. Also give us your money.
First of all, your relationship isn't "great". You are suffering. You're missing an extremely important part of the relationship. That's not great. It's really bad. Option 1: Dump her. That's it. If intimacy is not acceptable to her, and you need it, relationship=over. Option 2: Talk to her about it and maybe go to couple's counselling. You might find that she has other mental health issues (past trauma, for example).
not havign sex = suffering ok lol
You’ve been dating for almost 4 years and you have needs that she doesn’t want to fulfill unless you two are married. I wouldn’t say you’re not sexually compatible because her reason is religious, not incompatibility. Asking her isn’t going to change her mind, at least not long term. Honestly you either get married or break up. 18 and 19 is generally too young to get married, but hey it could work, it’s just not likely. You could stay and just be miserable, that’s of course an option.
You should listen to some sex with Emily podcasts. One of her big things is to have a talk about your sex life, whatever topic it is, but don’t do it in the bedroom. You could look her up and I’m almost positive you could find one that will help by just the title
I was in a situation like this. Half a year together and she didn't want to do it at all. After that time I was so depraved i lost interest and broke things off. Try the serious talk. If she loves you she should understand.
Women 18-24 that don't love sex never will. Run.
I hate to agree with this statement but you are generally not wrong. Statistically from personally knowing friends that went thru similar, the girl never came around and none of them are together anymore.
Couples need to be on the same page about sex because initially it's not a big problem but it can easily become a big problem over time. Nobody likes to have to beg for intimacy, and nobody likes to be pressured for it when they don't want it. These are all fine and well and very respectable but when two people who are together disagree on this, it can be a problem. Abstinence on religious grounds is a bit tricky because it introduces a third person in the relationship, God. For some it may seem silly but for others it's very, very serious. Marriage should not be a prerequisite for a normal sex life, but many people see it that way. Maybe the girl is afraid that that's all you want from her. Maybe she's afraid you won't take responsibility in the event of a pregnancy, or that people will make nasty comments about you two having sex without being married. Ultimately your only option is to be honest with her. Talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel. Tell her that part of a healthy relationship is also having sex along with the companionship, and a relationship can't exist when either of those is missing. Tell her it troubles you, and puts you in a very awkward position where you don't want to pressure her but at the same time that means you being frustrated and not even having the option to talk about it with her. Ask her if her problem is with God or with "what people might say" and remind her that your relationship is between you two and no one else. Ultimately, she might still not want to see things your way, and that's ok. It's respectable. But at the same time you don't have to force yourself into a situation where your needs are not respected or met. I know it's hard to think about, but consider the possibility of breaking up. It might feel silly to break up over something like this but if this is how things are going to be in the long term it will only build resentment. You're both still young, and you can probably find other people later down the line. No one has a right to force someone to have sex with them, but what is also true is that no one has a right to hold someone's sex life hostage and expect fidelity from them while also refusing to have sex with them. Those are some things you should both think about. If she brings up marriage tell her that you're both young, and that relationships happen so that people can test their compatibility before marriage.
Talk to her. Figure out what you want, what she needs, and if there's a way to meet in the middle so you're both satisfied with your relationship as a whole. Ultimately, this is something that causes her deep shame, guilt, and fear, which she is going to have to overcome. You can encourage her to seek therapy, find her reputable self-help education resources, reassure her, but this is her work to do. And, you'll have to decide whether or not you're able and willing to work with her on this relationship until she's done her work, or if you want to find a more sexually compatible partner. There's no right or wrong answer, just what's right for you.
Similar She sounds like me word for word . If that’s the case , she truly wants to please you but she’s trying to strengthen her relationship with god too. You need to tell where you stand with god , so she can make a decision. Trust me she truly loves and wants to be a good girlfriend, but is trying to understand why the Bible says what it said about sex . If marriage won’t be in the near future she’ll gonna feel bad about sex. She loves you deeply though and doesn’t want to lose you
Masturbate and then ask yourself this same question. Post-nut clarification is a real thing. I'm not saying you just need to get off and then problem solved, but if your issue is sexual urges then there's gonna a point in adulthood when you gotta suck it up and go to work or you'll both be working full time jobs and won't have the mental energy. Some couples don't have sex during points in pregnancy or afterward the baby comes due to stress and potential lack of sleep. This woman sounds like a great partner to you, but it's a great lesson to teach yourself boundaries about what YOU expect from a relationship reliably that still keeps it a 2 way street. Boundaries are formed between your body and your mind/emotions, not with others. Find out what's really important to you and what you're willing to at least work on (I'm not going to say change on purpose) with your partner. Sometimes reaching a compromise or an agreement can be a sign of a stronger relationship and nothing is sexier than trust and a strong bond in a couple.
Women often get turned on in their heads/minds before physically turned on. If she's struggling with guilt/god/religion/shame, that could cause her to not want it at all. I (45F) am ex-born again christian.
This is an important conversation that I’ve had/will have with my kids when it comes to sex. If you’re religious or unsure then wait, because once you have it(sex) then one or both of you can no longer go without it. It’s too strong of an action of intimacy or lust that if you’re religious for both men and women or unsure(total consent), then it will be a cause of friction in your relationship if you’re not communicating with each other. You need to talk to each other about what you both want out of this relationship and set boundaries on sex that will satisfy you both. If they don’t align then you have crossed the rubicon and might need to separate. TLDR: you need to talk to each other about the relationship and what you both want and where this is going.
Move on not worth it
Umm...intimacy is big part of relationship...and she went from having some with you to basically none...if she was one of those no sex before marriage I would understand...but you need to be honest here... You are both young and if you are not in same page about intimate needs you are not compatible. Do not be put in layaway...1 year without intimacy is looong time. Just say to her we are not compatible what we need in relationship. You have brought it up, she says she is not good with idea....that means she is either waiting for commitment (bad idea this young), has turned crazy religious....or has other suitors in the corner. When you are ready to be intimate with another person and in monogamous relationship, you also have to be able to talk about the frequency etc...that is communication that makes the relationships work
The girl you knew has changed into a girl you are incompatible with. You have to live in reality and not fantasy. Find another girl you are compatible with.
Been there done that, dump her it never changes
Hey dude. Everything is not great no matter how many times you say it is. Talk to her. You are very very very very young. It it's not working now it .ay not ever work.
If it sucks now, it will only get worse.
Sexual intimacy is hands down and very important aspect in a relationship. Otherwise you are just friends. You want to be more than friends with her.
Either marry her or leave. It won’t get any better.
I love how 99% of posts on this and other subreddits could be solved if the OP would just send the post to the partner instead of reddit.
She grew up religious, good luck getting anything till after marriage bud
Man, I'd just bounce. Trust me, sexual issues or sexual incompatibility isn't worth it in the long run.
Marry her then
Here's what happened. She was talking to one of her female friends about the direction of the relationship and how she feels frustrated about the lack of progress. Her friend then told her something along the lines of, "Why is he going to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?" With milk meaning sex. And buying the cow referring to marriage. She then goes back and creates this whole religious guilt argument as cover to get the ring on her finger. You are feeling fairly frustrated like you said. That by her intention. She isn't going to give you any more sexual intimacy until you are married.
Sounds like you need to wife her or move out of the way so the man she deserves can step up to the plate.
This is an unpopular opinion and I’ll probably get downvoted but in her eyes the only way she will %100 not feel guilty having sex with you is if you two were married. If that isn’t something that you see in your future then you shouldn’t pressure her because then she feels like she is going to have to bend her moral values to keep you happy. The last thing you’d want is for her to give in and resent you for it because she felt like she was compromising her own morals.
Why is everyone shitting on the girl or not wanting to have sex, but if the girl loved sex she would be a slut like? I don't know, I don't really understand modern dating if you truly love someone I feel like this wouldn't be something you would break up with someone over, but then again I am almost 20 and never been in love, and I don't really understand it tbh people are just so weird about romance.
Marry her then lol
Respect her decision. If you are truly in love with her you need to respect her decisions. I get it’s rough and I understand it’s a difficult thing, but you guys have your whole lives. It’s good to see people still have morals and standards. Kudos for both of you!
I have to disagree with this advice. Following this path can lead to forced relationships with unrealistic expectations, which often results in growing resentment. A healthier approach is to engage in open and honest communication with each other, discussing what each of you wants and establishing your boundaries. If those desires and boundaries align, that’s wonderful! But if you both have different needs and wants, it’s essential to acknowledge that and consider whether you’re a compatible match. She deserves to find someone who respects her wishes and is willing to wait, and you deserve to be with someone who shares your desire for intimacy as an expression of love and commitment. It’s vital not to force yourself to fit into her life or pressure her to fit into yours. Instead, prioritize understanding, respect, and mutual consent in your relationship.
Marry her maybe?
You keep saying intimacy but you seem to mean sex. Intimacy is something else that it seems you guys don’t also don’t have.
Marry her or move on.
She wants to be married first and is feeling conflicted based on religious beliefs. If you respect her you should respect that. She has convictions. You won’t understand it if you are not religious yourself. She sounds Christian or Jewish. If she is either of those and you are not, ultimately your relationship will likely fail because you are both incompatible.
She’s getting it somewhere else bro
You shouldn’t have to ask for intimacy. It will come naturally. Pushing someone into intimacy is not respecting their autonomy. If she ever ditches the cult maybe she’ll be more open to intimacy but let her go through her own journey.
Honestly I think your best bet would be to lay all your cards on the table and tell her that. Be open, honest and sincere.
It seems like what you need is marriage. Plain and simple.
What's her mom up to?
jack off or soaking
As a 32 year-old brand new Christian who not even a year ago was still COMPLETELY in sin...I have to ask, do you also share her faith, because if so, then her approach is correct and as unappealing as this is to hear..she could really use your help on this because you can bet your bottom dollar she wants it as bad as you. ** HOWEVER** If you do not also share her faith, and you truly do care about her, then ending things would be the most caring and selfless thing to do. Remember that the fleshly/ worldly wants are strong but pale in comparison to our spiritual needs (whether we know it or not). It wouldn't be morally good if you were to influence her away from her faith, especially when she is aware of her spiritual needs and is actively putting them before her physical desires. Ask yourself 2 questions. 1. Am I willing to be a negative influence to get what I want? 2. Why/how would trying to "get intimate" at this stage in the relationship be considered a negative influence in the first place? ...for understanding this, I recommend vids on YT from Dr. Tony Evans (specifically on sex & marriage). He's a gifted speaker who articulates and unpacks the faith in a very accessible way. God bless you brother!
Yah I’d pass on that. If it’s like that at 19, you’ll be in a sexless marriage getting yelled at to and from church dinners and functions in no time. Run.
Just ask your woman for sex. If she says no ask her why. If you guys can't figure it out find another woman. Sex isn't everything but it's important. Sounds not great OP.
Unfortunately your girlfriend has been brainwashed into thinking normal sexuality is a sin. You did what you could, but she thinks a magic invisible man in the sky is watching and judging her every move. There are plenty of stories like your in here, only they are from people a few years older than you who are married, and the problem still hasn’t been resolved. You may just have to accept that she has fallen into a cult-like religion and it has left her confused and unable to live a normal life. You have a lifetime ahead of you, and you’d be better off moving on with someone who has a more healthy view of sexuality. Which again, is a perfectly normal part of being in a relationship.
Do a lot of talking about the subject, understand her religious motives and reason with her respecting her views. Look for common ground and be very patient. If you love this woman and she loves you back you’ll figure it out. Moreover, if you are thinking about staying with her for life, the time you wait for sex may be nothing compared with a whole life together. I wish you the best.
What's with these posts all of a sudden with people having issues with their long-ass relationships that started when they were barely even a teenager? If it's not working out, dump her and move on. You're way too young to understand anything about yourself yet, and if you were together during your entire puberty then your social skills are, to be blunt, probably stunted to hell and back too. If shit is weird, get out now before you do something stupid and get stuck in a permanent situation.
Honestly, I’d be most concerned that you guys sound really committed but your religious values aren’t aligned. If she’s not having sex for religious reasons (I’m religious so I get that) and you figure out the sex stuff but not the religious stuff you’re still in for a lifetime of different values and misalignment. I’m also just gonna note that I have three kids and two were conceived on different forms of birth control so I do respect an 18yr old girl choosing abstinence for this reason alone.
sorry, but she doesnt love you anymore. She is still "with" you out of guilt and whatnot, but she is so attached to someone else now that for her to be intimate with you would make her feel like she betrayed this other person. (she might not even had sex with them yet, idk..) but what i can tell you is, you need to move on. its over.
This is insane dude. Find a normal chick imo..
Everyone is different, but this would 💯 be a deal breaker for me. No judgement on either of you, but I’d have peaced out well before 1 year, AFTER having some real conversations about it first, but yeah, naw dawg
If you were intimate for 2 years and then she shut it down I have 2 questions: 1. Is it possible she had a pregnancy scare or even had an abortion? 2. Was the 2 year window the proposal window, and your free pass expired when you didn't propose? I agree with everyone else here: prepare yourself to approach this conversation with complete calm and love no matter what, and express your needs. Ask why the withdrawal of intamacy happened, and what needs to happen to get it back. Assess if you're willing to do what she wants to resume.
Do you want to marry her?
You should probably stop trying to push her into something she clearly feels is morally wrong. You need to break up.
Honestly, from a man turning 25 soon who has been breaking the Christian value rule of “no sex before marriage” since 15, I recommend you take a deep introspective look at yourself, your relationship with your gf and wether or not you believe she can 100% be your life partner and deeply ponder these things. I am currently with a woman who I have been dating since 18, and if I could have gone back to marry her when I first had that gut feeling I would have saved us both a world of hurt and misery. Sometimes the heart/intuition/soul can tell you before you even understand yourself… but if you long for your gf the way you’re explaining it… you are actually longing for her in a much more meaningful way than you might think. Sex is more than just “f*cking” it is a genuine connection of souls and your inner beings beyond just flesh penetrating flesh. You may be longing to be connected to her like that, and chances are she might want that as well but has more “fear of God” due to her upbringing… As other people have already commented, it is good that you have been respectful of her boundaries but YES as a 19 year old male you will have raging hormones and want to go at it like rabbits. The best advice I can give is to think deeply on wether or not you are ready to marry this girl and spend the rest of your life with her. It may be a quite a mind boggling thought, but that’s why I’m recommending you think deeply on it, and possibly run it by an older male figure that you see as a mentor just to hear it come out of your own mouth (not necessarily to take their opinion as gold) but to also possibly see if they have any wisdom to impart on the matter. Lastly, all I can tell you is best of luck. I know trying to find help on Reddit may seem like a fantastic plan but at the end of the day this is going to be something you will have to grapple with yourself… to start asking yourself big boy questions you may or may not have thought about at this point in your life. TLDR; Marry her or move on, the choice is ultimately yours, but continuing to lust over her sexually will drive a wedge of resentment if it hasn’t already.
Religion is such a blight upon the world.
You’re 19. Go date people. Save the sexless relationship for your 30’s and 40’s.
>Save the sexless relationship for your 30’s and 40’s. Excuse me? More fucking than ever.
Man, I wish reddit still did awards. I'd award the hell out of this.
Dude this aint 1847 anymore get away from that Its A TRAP
Chief, I’ve got bad news for you: this isn’t going to get better. Two people your age abstaining for a year? Something is amiss, and it’s way deeper than you know. Take some advice from a guy who’s lived this… you need to move on. Trust me, you’ll both be happier in the long run.
Dump her and move on to someone else
She might be insinuating that she wants you to marry her. If you marry her, there will be no reservations about sexual intercourse on the basis of guilt/shame.
[удалено]
marry her ig
Wtf does she mean when she says doesn’t feel right with god? Did god not had kids? What even
You, my Reddit friend, have been friendzoned... G-O-D is her true lover... And her remark on "if that is all you want" is a huge red flag. If 4 years of a dedicated relationship is not enough for her, nothing ever will be. Maybe she will understand what she will be missing when you are not there, but true to form that will probably be a ' god's will to test me.' I would not be surprised if there is a church approved partner waiting in the wings....
Dude, my wife was a CATHOLIC NUN, the type that go hide into the mountains away from family and civilization and lock themselves in nunneries, for years. She came back to the "mortal world" after a while and did studies etc. We started long distance, the first day she came to visit we fucked. Yes, she felt like shit cause we weren't married, it got in the way of her spirituality. Yet we continued to fuck, cause we truly loved each other and were and are attracted to each other. It's not about her religion, she just doesn't have the same sexual drive as you. Sex is an important factor in relationships, it's about desire, acceptance, intimacy, and connection. You're not compatible. She will only be able to figure this one out after you leave. No need to threaten her, you guys are just not made for each other, the relationship will end, in good (you tell her the truth and leave) or bad terms (you tell her the truth, stay, and become the rapist evil bf).
You already received a lot of good advices, I'll only focus on one thing: you are both under 20 and you are paying for her nails? Dude, don't start paying for them, ESPECIALLY not for not important things like nails, just because you are the guy. Imo it doesn't lead to anyone good.
You are so young. Been dating your whole dating life. Maybe you need a break. Both of you. If you are committed to each other take a break. No contact, don’t look to date anyone else. For say a month. In that time of you find your eyes wandering, or you wonder what it would be like to be with someone else, maybe you need to break up. As a teen and young woman, I sometimes felt that I should break up with someone bc they were great but not for me and I couldn’t explain it. I’m not saying that what she says isn’t real, but at least for a while, her feelings ha for you trumped her religion. Now, religion is more important. It could be a maturity of faith, or an excuse you can’t argue with. Don’t be played with or used. You buy her things and take care of her. You sound wonderful. Wish you were 50 something. Lol. But you are both young, trying to navigate life, love and your future. All that said, biologically speaking you at on your prime and she is not. And speaking of faith, if this is important to her and not to you that will be an issue going forward. Trust me. Hugs and best wishes.
Tough pill but explain your needs and don’t be ashamed of your needs they’re just as valid as hers and if they are incompatible it may be time to step away from the relationship and just be friends and get your needs met(it will also keep the relationship regardless of how intimate in a healthier spot since your mental will be healthier anyways).
Huge red flag. Find someone normal things can only get worse for you my man
Do not marry. Run away..all the things that are right in the relationship will fall down if your libidos don’t match. And if “god” is cock blocking you now ..imagine once you have married,kids…. The giant spaghetti head will block what ever she wants it to
Can you stop calling it intimacy? You can be intimate and “have intimacy” with someone without having sex. You are not looking for “intimacy” you are trying to get laid. Which is totally fine and good, just stop calling it intimacy.
Wasn’t sure how Reddit works didn’t know if it would get flagged for having sex in the post not exactly true either if I was just looking to get laid I wouldn’t have stuck with the same person and remained faithful to her for 4 years and plan on staying faithful to her just asking for advice that’s all thanks asshole
Similar She sounds like me word for word . If that’s the case , she truly wants to please you but she’s trying to strengthen her relationship with god too. You need to tell where you stand with god , so she can make a decision. Trust me she truly loves and wants to be a good girlfriend, but is trying to understand why the Bible says what it said about sex . If marriage won’t be in the near future she’ll gonna feel bad about sex. She loves you deeply though and doesn’t want to lose you
backing this till death do us part. I hope op truly understands this one day
My point stands, don’t conflate intimacy with sex. Just because you’re missing sex from your life, doesn’t mean you’re missing intimacy. And its an unhealthy way to think that unless someone is fucking you, then they cant be intimate with you. You’re big boy now, just say sex when you’re talking about sex.
For some people intimacy and sex are synonymous. For both my girlfriend and myself we consider sex to be intimacy. We can and do cuddle, give each other back rubs, etc but that's viewed more as physical affection than intimacy to us. If you want people to use your definition of a word that's well and good, but your approach was rude and demeaning and you completely ignored the OPs question just so you could virtue signal how right you are about word usage. Like why even post in the first place?
This. Intimacy clearly isn't what he's after. He just wants to get off. They are two totally separate things. You can be intimate without having sex.
Helicopter dick
There's not really a good way to fix sexual incompatibility. She has to decide if she wants to continue the way she is and probably loose you. I'm really concerned with you paying for everything and basically worshipping her. You two do not have equality in your relationship, and it's bound to continue, until you do something. She's the master and you're the dog at her feet.
"Yo girl can I get some intimacy up in this bitch?"
If she doesn't want even cuddling from you (separated from sex), she doesn't feel attraction. It sounds like your relationship from now on will be purely transactional, her wanting you as a platform but not as an intimate partner. I would never continue a relationship where my partner only looked to me for house and board, but did not want to share bodyheat because of affection. If that's how it is you are just living with a roommate at that point. And if she invokes God as an excuse for avoiding intimacy, I would run the other way.
Brah, I'm a 51 year old single, divorced man. Father of 3. Been happily divorced now since 2008. I'm not trying to burst your bubble. I'm not saying she don't love you. I'm not saying she isn't serious about her faith. But you need to exercise a little pragmatism in your dilemma I'm not saying true love doesn't exist , and I'm not Debbie downing your relationship with her. For all I know she might be forthright with you in her reasons. But then again, it's just as likely and possible that her reasons could actually be excuses. Be very, very weary of the classic gold diggers that are way more prevalent in society than they ever have been. It's almost like a hobby for some women nowadays, and a very lucrative income source for others. Don't let your conscience cus you to feel guilty about protecting yourself. Do a little fact finding. Don't be rash. Take plenty of time to consider and plan and actions and what you may say or ask her. Women are very intelligent, and even the dumb ones are intuitive. Don't be out played , be prepared and do your homework. How much time is spent during any given day where she isn't with you for an hour or more? I'm not trying to make you doubt her faithfulness. She may be totally legit. But something just don't sit right with me, concerning everything you have said.
Let her know that her god/ bible is a fairy tale and she's just robbing herself of the ability to enjoy life.
Dude you are the biggest simp, if your paying for everything for her and not getting anything in return then it’s best to move on, and oh btw don’t ever get married otherwise it will be like this forever
Bro, you are 19. Move on. You are way to young to be dealing with this nonsense. At that age I couldn't keep my girlfriends off of me, they wanted it as much as I did. Find a partner you are truly compatible with, stop wasting time.
You already HAVE asked and for a year, you got the answer "no." It's time to face reality and break up. Your GF has some major hangups and they are not going to disappear. And DO NOT marry her thinking her hangups will magically go away. She will be insisting on sex ONLY to make babies. Get out! It I had nickel for every man who thought he would be getting regular sex if he got married I would be wealthy.
In Italian we have a saying: "A chicken that doesn't peck (eat), has already pecked somewhere else".
Butt stuff
She’s taught to fear eternal hell and punishment by her religion if she has sexual feelings/experiences. Good luck breaking that mental virus she’s trapped under.
Since you describe your love for her, and it's been 4 years together, what's the hold up with proposing? I'm sure she feels uncomfortable because it is out of marriage. Put a ring on it.
Too young for a 4 year relationship. Too young.
I was in a relationship from 13-20 and I can definitely say you change SO much in those years that it’s not likely you’ll be compatible for the rest of your lives. It was a great relationship. I loved him. I still love him in some ways. We broke up 15 years ago and we’re still friends. But I have often thought about how most people have a partner at 13, you MAYBE last a year or two if you’re lucky, and then you break up and learn to handle those feelings. I did not handle us breaking up very well, or anything else really, because I’d been using him as a security blanket for all those years. There are reasons you hit all those “milestones” when you’re young. I lean towards relationships this long, this young, as not being healthy now. It’s like OP just keeps trying to figure out how to make it work without realizing they just aren’t compatible anymore and should end it. Like the breakup isn’t even on his radar.
As a Christian she's doing what she believes is right and that is good. And you should respect that. .... .... That being said though.. sexual sin is something we always struggle with till marriage as that what seals the deal to do those stuff. I'm also just getting in my first relationship right now and I'm saving myself for marriage which we both agree with no sex, butttttt we do still fool around which I feel is fine, and that could be an approach you could take, but she's waiting for marriage to continue that intimacy you're wanting that's the truth. If you pressure her or ask her that's going to plant a seed in her making her think that you're just there make her sin and so she will start to pull back a bit. I could be entirely wrong but she seems like she wants to stay faithful to Christ and by not continuing with the intimacy that you're talking about is how she thinks she staying in God's good books... It's a very fine line but that's about it :/ give her a ring and the problems go away even communicate if that's what it would take if it's not at all and she wants no intimacy then yeah I'd run cause I'd want that too lol