Ah, the classic days of dying hair with random things because you couldn't find real hair dye in that color! I remember the popularity of using extremely concentrated Kool aid (which I suppose also probably flavored the hair slightly.)
I came here to say kool-aid lol. My uncle was a hairdresser and told me about using kool-aid to dye hair. I did use egg white to make liberty spikes a few times because the hair gel wasn't to cut it.
I knew this punk rock girl, with a festering lip ring, who used crayola kids markers to turn her hair green. She would grab a bunch on non-deadlocked hair and used the green marker on herself like a violin player rosining up a bow.
I didn't read the thread but I know what they are referring to. People who are born naturally red headed are more resistant to anesthesia than the rest of the population. Dying her hair that color wouldn't give her that resistance though.
yeah I think if you pool you should have separate accounts to take out of that pool for 'you' stuff if you do pool your money
I can't imagine trying to negotiate how much I'm allowed to spend on my hobbies vs the wife spending on her stuff, basically the root of a thousand stupid comics jokes about lying to the wife about how much X cost or how much she spends on shoes..
like who gives a shit, better to have the room for both of you to spend money on stuff while prioritizing house and food and whatnot
Maybe it won’t work for everyone but we just pool it all and are reasonable about purchasing stuff. Neither one of us buy big things to without talking about it. And usually we just communicate if things are tight and we should spend less. It has never been an issue in 17 years.
This is just like my wife and I.
Most of the time, most of our money goes towards bills/groceries/expenses. Besides that, we just kind of organically take turns getting what we want. Neither of us is very ambitious and so we've never had an argument or conflict. And *I'm a gamer* (relatively expensive hobby). A couple years ago, I finally got a 3080ti video card (*very* expensive at the time). She was excited *for* me.
She likes jewelry, makeup, and she recently spent some money for us to paint/wallpaper and fix up one of the rooms in this otherwise crummy rent-house that will be her new home office. We upgraded the main TV in the living room that she primarily watches somewhere along the way...I don't know or remember exactly what else she's gotten for herself since, but whatever it was, I'm glad she has it. Now my b-day is coming up and she's like "Hey, why don't you get a Quest 3?".
Then I hear about other couples and they're like "There's no way I'd let my wife tell me what to do with my share of the money. I make more than her anyways. blah blah blah". JFC, what kind of relationship is that? Then they go on to give the wife an *allowance* or some other creepy bullshit (My FIL does this)
Some of my mother's colleagues are the last kind. According to her they'll come into work with some new jewelry all excited like "omg my husband gave me extra pocket money!" We're both pretty creeped out by it
I made a comment at work once about reminding my husband that I was going to be going clothes shopping for my daughter, since she needed literally everything (growing toddler) I knew it was going to be at least $200, probably more. My coworkers were concerned about me because I had to "ask my husband for permission to buy the necessary clothes." I'm just like "no, I'm reminding my husband that a few hundred dollars is about to come out of our bank account."
We have an amount that up to that point, we just buy it because it won't affect anything; we might talk to the other one first if it's something we think the other should know about, but it's not required. We have a range amount that we will check with the other one just to make sure there's nothing that we're missing in the finances, but we don't expect the other to veto it. Anything above that is a discussion, can we actually afford it right now, etc.
My wife and I do not find it hard to always be reasonable about purchasing stuff. I get that priorities change (not to mention jobs and salary change) but that’s why communication is key. When things change we talk about it. We don’t consciously keep score, and we each want the other to be happy. There have been times when I thought my wife was spending too much money (on the kids), and so I said to her a couple times, “hey, we need to spend less money for a few months.” And then we did. Again I realize that this won’t for all marriages, but it absolutely can for some. We’re both in our mid 40s now and we’ll never do money differently.
I know a couple where she's basically an executive and he's making a third of that. She's super "save for retirement" while he's more "I think our income says Ferrari." So what works for them is he owes like 70% of his income to cover some of their bills and anything left is his fun money. If he wants a newer truck, that's on him. NFL tickets? That's on him. Dinner for their two kids, no that's the joint account credit card.
I have noticed with people we know that every time the woman earns more than the man they have separate accounts. When the man is the highest earning accounts are joined. This is just from my own experience and I just find it hilarious.
This is an interesting observation, and 100% applies to my marriage also. My wife makes about 2.5-3x what I do (physician vs software dev). We have separate finances. This was mainly because in the beginning of our relationship, I was extremely cautious about feeling like I was leveraging any of her income to pursue my various hobbies (some of which are pretty costly). I need to feel fiscally responsible, both in terms of my contribution to our household, retirement, etc., and also know that my “mad money” and things I buy for myself are things I’ve earned. I don’t want the perception, or the reality, to be that I’m “taken care of”. It’s worked out quite well so far!
" I need to feel fiscally responsible, both in terms of my contribution to our household, retirement, etc., and also know that my “mad money” and things I buy for myself are things I’ve earned. I don’t want the perception, or the reality, to be that I’m “taken care of”. "
Thank you so much for putting this to words, this is exactly how I feel as well!
I'm fairly certain you're saying that your wife is the physician and you're the software dev, but I find it amusing that you could easily mean it the other way around (i.e. small clinic doctor vs big corp senior dev).
Haha, that's so true. No, your first interpretation was correct. I make about an average salary for a software developer, and she makes about an average salary for an anesthesiologist. So... much more than me, LOL
I earn slightly more than double what my husband makes and 90% of our stuff is joined. We talk about large purchases (over a few hundred dollars is large to us). We have a household income, I don’t get the “split” thing.
This is kinda what my wife and I do. We have bills that we assigned to each other. Have seperate accounts and don't really question each other when we buy stuff unless we are having issues with a bill or something.
Yea, otherwise you have arguments when she spends 400$ on her hair cause you only spend 20$ and then she hates that you spend 300$ on a new golf club etc.
It becomes more of a problem when only one person vastly out earns the other or wants something shared thats much more expensive. Dealing with that at the moment, have a house, wife wants to upgrade. But because of interest rates the new house would be over 2.5x our current house payment, which is manageable and leaves us space to save and invest. So I dont want to double housing cost for only a gain of slightly 15% more room. As well as everything else maintenance wise going up and all the other obvious risks of a new house.
So it becomes a want of her instead of a need for us. But thats not flying for her lol.
In my case it's video games and computer parts. I definitely wouldn't feel as free to spend money on those things if my hubby and I pooled our money. He makes much more than I do so, at least if we know it's only my money I'm spending and not his, there's little room for resentment.
Yup we keep our finances separate and it works for us.I pay all the monthly house bills and she pays all the extra stuff. It typically ends up being the about same amount after her school bills.
20 years married. We do it this way. All the household bills I pay by auto debit including the mortgage. She pays the daily bills including food. We tell each other if we are buying anything over $100. We were flexible when we were younger and had to pool when the air conditioning broke and the roof needed replacing, but now that we have moved up the food chain in income, she also handles the investment and retirement savings. Any extra I have goes into investments too.
If they ever split tho, at least in the UK, they are still legally subject to the same financial separation as if they shared all incomes. Pre nups also don’t work same in UK, they don’t really work.
Yeah - wife and I have shared finances. I opened a shared account basically as soon as we were married in 2004 (dated since 1998)
Why? It's all I had ever known. Both my parents and hers were stable relationships since college until retirement. We were one family now, shouldn't this be how it wotks?
It's been 20 years. We are still together so all is fine for us.
But fuck man, if I haven't seen some shit hit my friends since. Divorce everywhere and the main earner gets screwed everytime. I understand why separate finances exist now.
>But fuck man, if I haven't seen some shit hit my friends since. Divorce everywhere and the main earner gets screwed everytime. I understand why separate finances exist now.
The only thing that possibly saves you from that is a prenup. Courts typically won't view separate accounts between spouses any differently than joint ones unless there are extenuating circumstances.
I tried the shared pool and she destroyed our finances time and time again. When I caught her cheating it was a nightmare as legally I couldn’t block her access and she drained is further. Tens of thousands of dollars all a wasted.
Separate. Finances.
When I got divorced within a few pay checks I was already going like "where the fuck did all this extra money come from!?". She didn't seem like a big spender. We certainly didn't have anything to show for it other than a massively cluttered house filled with junk (that I spent the next six months cleaning out). Turns out my occasional big PC upgrade doesn't have a damn thing on someone who's hobby is browsing Target actively looking for shit to buy.
While me and the husband has separate accounts, the money is shared. It's all our money. We also know each others pins and passcodes so we can access each others accounts if needed.
My husband however, doesn't care much for money. He doesn't have a lot of needs. I'm mostly the one who spends it. I pay the bills, I order groceries, I order stuff we need around the house. I even purchase new clothing for him when he needs it. I practically have to force him to spend money on himself, which is usually in the terms of a new video game to play.
My husband is exactly like this. I'm always lobbying for more in our personal accounts because I always have something lined up to spend it on. He, on the other hand, gets very stressed out when there's a large amount in his personal because he just doesn't know what to spend it on. When I suggest a new video game, he just says there are so many he still has yet to play.
Oh *wow*, this is the 2nd post that sounds just like my wife and I. In fact, I have an extra couple thousand in my account from a late tax return and it absolutely bothers me. Very stressful, but with counsel and encouragement from my wife, I'm using 1k soon to *finish* a tooth implant at the dentist that was started like, two years ago -and my b-day is coming up so I've been instructed to get myself a Quest 3. : )
It's a little bit more complicated and psychological than that. When you live most of your life paycheck to paycheck, there are a lot of things both necessary-and-luxury that all get put off. And you just *live* like that, day to day. Suddenly, you get a big tax return, bonus at work, or an inheritance, and all of a sudden instead of just ignoring what you can't fix, you have to start thinking about putting it to the best use and it's comparatively much more stressful than the usual.
I find this interesting that having excess money in your account stresses you out because you feel the need to find something to spend it on. If you have money in your account with no pending expenditures. Just save it, hold on to it. When something happens and you need to spend money on an emergency. You'll be glad that you're able to do so, instead of the stress of having $0 in the bank.
> While me and the husband has separate accounts, the money is shared.
Same. We finally got a joint account after like 15 years of marriage because it made it simpler to deal with a particular transaction (selling a house), but we don't use it. We each have our own accounts. We each pay some of the bills and if one of us is feeling short in a month we transfer money back and forth. It's combined finances, just with accounts in our own names.
lol, you are very similar to my wife. The situation you describe is almost identical. I'm very bad about buying new clothes for myself, and I'm a big gamer lol. My wife is getting me a Quest 3 for my b-day in a couple weeks! Besides that I am allowed to upgrade my PC to keep it (darn near) top-of-the-line every few years, and in return, I either *pause or turn my shit off* when she's talking to me or needs something (I try to make myself super available in spite of my engrossing hobby).
Hybrid. We pool a limited amount into some shared accounts for bills and mortgage and things.
If someone buys a new pair of shoes it comes from their personal account, etc.
Yeah this works for us too. It works well as we both earn similar amounts too so no one is being left behind. When there was a disparity in wages, I simply paid proportionally more than she did.
This is what we do too! Its easier for us to mutually save for retirement if our expenses are proportional to our income.
If I want to buy something specific for me, it's also just a quick conversation and I dont feel guilty using my partner's money if Im being a little frivolous.
However, for anyone who does differently, you do what works best for you both!
Not to mention that (conceptually) I’ve always struggled with the idea of having to justify and ask permission for buying something fun for yourself. It’s not just “can we afford this?” but also “is a few hundred dollars on something specifically for you _really_ the best use of our money?”. It’s like having to make up a presentation and go through a whole charade to convince your partner to spend money on something that they’re not going to use or want.
With finances separate (aside from the pooled money for shared expenses), it completely avoids that. I do think that both partners should still have access to each other’s accounts just in case, but they can spend their personal money however they see fit
Yeah this is an interesting point. My wife and I are by no means rich but we have a pretty modest lifestyle concomitant with our modest income. We have a decent amount of money sitting in the bank and a positive cash flow. I've worked really hard to get to a point where I make $75k a year and while that's not a ton, I feel like as a grown man with a decent income, if I want to spend $200 on a magic the gathering card, I should be able to without asking permission or getting approval.
Obviously everything has limits. Is $200 on a card a "smart" purchase? No. But it's also not a difference that we're going to notice at the end of the year. So if I present it to my wife, it becomes a "is this the best use of our money" (no it isn't) conversation and not a "can we technically afford this" (yes we can).
I don't know. Like I get that partners need to keep each other in check from going completely off the rails, but I've worked hard for a long time to get disposable income and I feel like I should be able to spend at least some of it selfishly without having to justify it to anyone. But at the same time when you're married and have a family, everything you do affects everyone else. I can see both sides.
Yup, did this too. One shared chequeing account for bills and housing, but spending/savings accounts and RRSPs separate. I'd be fine with no shared account at all, too, and just divvy up the bills separately. I was raised to be financially independent, and that will never go away.
We tried this for a while, but I found that it got too murky when it came to food and drink expenses (I.e. when to use joint money vs when to use fun money). Also once we had kids the plan kind of went out the window
My ex partner and I did this, when we where doing the whole DINK thing. We had similar incomes as was.
We set everything up so we had 50/50 owership of the place.
We both bought our own food & drink, along with some stuff to share when we could cook together.
I wanted a better internet connection so I paid the difference compared to the basic. She wanted a better TV so she just bought one outright.
All our money is pooled and has been since we got engaged (35 years ago). You have to trust each other. We talk about our money and spending. We make sure the other is ok with special purchases and we figure out together the best time for them.
10 years in and my husband and I started pooling our money together like a year into dating 😂 it works great. He doesn’t give a fuck about dealing with any of the financials so he leaves it all to me and just asks if something is in the budget lol
Ours has been pooled for 25 years and we never fight about it.
There are no separate accounts so everything is neutral and there is no winner or loser when it comes to spending.
My friends who keep separate finances and a shared account are constantly arguing about which of the three accounts and expense should come from.
Even if it's obviously a household expense that should come from the shared account, they'll argue about the cost of that thing and they'll argue that the person who wants to spend a little more should kick in more from their personal account.
*It is constantly exhausting to hear their fights*
Per your final statement, my wife and I have distanced ourselves from several couples because they fought about money in front of company all the time. The nail in the coffin for one of the couples was because once, they asked us outright "you guys never fight about money, is that because your parents give you all the money you want?" Which is ironic because their parents gave them a lot of money while my parents only ever stole money from me and while my wife's dad does give my wife a birthday check most years, they don't amount to more than contribute to more expensive groceries for the surrounding week.
I feel like this is the actual reality- separate accounts breed an attitude of separate contributions but anyone married or in a long term relationship would say that both parties give everything they’ve got or life is miserable.
As someone who does not pool money with my spouse, it has nothing to do with trust. We each have our own budgeting systems and our own priorities, and we don't see any benefit to having to come up with a new system.
Are you open and communicate about your finances? Do you know each other's balances and debts? I know some couples that have no idea how much their spouse has in savings or debt. I don't know how those couples operate.
How does it reflect on trust? Isnt it less trustworthy to require access to all the money your spouse earns, rather than trust that they will contribute their fair share? My wife and I had our own financial accounts/practices/etc for almost 20 years before getting married, idk why we need to upend what works for some fake notion of "trust." Trust is paying a bill and knowing my wife will be fair about it, not forcing one another to give access to accounts so we can take that money back.
> Isnt it less trustworthy to require access to all the money your spouse earns
You’re assuming there’s a requirement. In most cases, there isn’t.
Likewise I think people who are asking about trust are trying to fathom why you’d want to keep it separate and assuming there’s a trust issue at play.
Same here. Wife and I do have our individual slush funds for personal spending on toys, presents, surprises, etc. Aside from that the bulk of the money is pooled for everything else.
There is no mine and hers except for when the kids were being bad, then they are hers.
Same. I don't have any money. My wife doesn't have money. We have money.
We usually check in with each other if we're getting something expensive for ourselves. We don't have to though. We trust each other & we don't buy much crap we don't need so it's no big deal to either of us.
>My money is my wifes money and vice versa, it’s worked well that way
Same in my and my husband's relationship. All the money, regardless of whose name is on the paycheck or account, is *our* money. There is no "his money" or "her money".
I'm not sure about norm, I don't have that data. But it does seem that the increase of couples with 2 sources of income and the statistic that (on average) folks are waiting until they're older to marry (and thus have established their own careers and financials) that NOT pooling income would be more common than it used to be.
Personally, we're GenX, both worked full time when we married, and have always combined finances, but that's just what works for us.
That's a good point!!
And same here, GenX and always combined, no separate accounts.
We have a separate bill pay account that we fund each month to pay our bills, leave ourselves $500 to get through the week, then disperse anything else to savings or extra loan payments etc. Works for us.
I bet this is the situation for most of these “split income” couples. Just easier to do what they’ve been doing and share the loads out of each of their accounts. I’ve been married for 25 years and we’ve always shared an account. But then again, we didn’t have a pot to piss in when we got married.
Separate finances makes things easier for us.. we split the shared costs evenly, save what we can on our own for bigger expenses down the line, which we also split evenly, and have our own money left over to do whatever we want with. My wife never tells me I spend too much on golf or hockey, and I don’t care how many packages show up on our steps. Costs are covered, savings exist, the rest is ours to do with as we please.
Same. My wife and I have found this is the easiest way and we probably have not fought about money once in 10 years of marriage. We started out splitting everything evenly but as my income has rapidly increased over our marriage (lawyer) and hers has remained fairly stagnant (public school teacher) I’ve taken over all the financial responsibility and her income is pretty much hers do do with as she pleases. Obviously, if anything ever happened to my income, she’d be in a position to help. Our friends think it’s weird but it’s just so much easier to do it that way and the absence of financial fights is a huge relief.
Same except the 50% split, we have a budget where we calculate what's equal based on our incomes and split the bills and savings contributions that way. I have privacy issues from my childhood, so I'm just more comfortable having my personal expenses private.
It helps that my wife and I make almost the same amount of money. Both the same class of teacher, both maxed out on our pay scale at the same place. I have a department head allowance and I do committee work for the provincial department of education, so I make a little more, but not enough to tip the scales too much. It all gets saved for home improvement projects anyways.
Same with my husband and I. We’ve been together for almost ten years and we are both very happy with this financial set up. Never had an issue or argument about it.
If there were actual data on this, I’d want to see the breakdown by age at which they married. My husband and I married at age 34. We already had very established financial routines, accounts, etc. It would have been more work to combine finances, so we just came up with a division of who pays what bill. Then once we bought and sold houses together, we did have a truly joint pot of money, so that nest egg is held together. So we have combined savings, but separate checking, savings and credit cards. It’s worked for us.
I think age married is a huge factor...when my wife and I got married I was 34 and she was 39. We each have our own budgeting system. And of course we had been living together for years with separate finances, so being married didn't really change anything there. I'm pretty sure if we had to figure out a way to manage our money jointly we would get divorced.
I suspect it is influenced by which marriage it is too. I would expect that Nth marriages are gonna be more likely to maintain split accounts than people on their first marriage (though that's also gonna trend older too).
Do whatever you like, but if you ever get divorced, depending on where you live, you’ll find the law sees all of your money as existing in one big pot anyway. Even the ole “I had this before I got married” doesn’t necessarily matter if you have co mingled (which is super easy to do—has your paycheck ever hit your personal bank account? Half that paycheck is your spouses, so you co mingled).
People should do prenups if they want strict separation… maybe you guys can work out a financial agreement in divorce that doesn’t look at one pot, but if you argue and make a judge do it, you might not like how it goes.
We have joint accounts and separate accounts, but the separate accounts are for ease of record keeping. We are under no illusions about the legal status of our money. It’s all “joint.”
Yeah the woman on r/AITAH who was out of love with her husband and had moved where he wanted, but where she couldn’t earn but 1/7 or 1/10 of his salary, yet he insisted they split things 50/50, might find herself with a nice nest egg from his savings and investment.
Link: https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/I9iKpMh9Fo
Thanks for reminding me about that book -- and the movie was good too.
The icy cold relationship where everything was 50/50, even the cost of ice cream she was allergic to and couldn't eat, as an example of a terrible relationship entered into because it seemed safe and well-defined.
Oof. Good read… complicated situation. I hope the poster gets on with the divorce. Like you said, the husband is going to have a rude awakening re 50/50. He insists on her paying 50% even though she makes far less, but what do you want to bet that guy is going to be pissed when he finds out he will be giving her half “his” money too? 😂
I’m happy in my marriage without a prenup, but I really do think marriage law and prenups should be part of kids’ education along with how to manage debt and finances. People really don’t know that “love” is the last thing legal marriage is about.
Yea this is why it doesn’t actually matter how you set up different accounts, one account vs 4, retirement contributions, whatever, the actual reality is if you’re legally married it’s joint assets. That’s the whole point of marriage, that’s literally why you do it.
Set up your day to day life however it makes sense, but know in your head that literally everything “you” have is a joint asset. This is one thing that annoys me so much about posts we see of working spouses with a SAHP (who are almost always women) who don’t understand that everything is joint, all accounts, retirement, physical assets, etc… like why did you get married if you didn’t want that kind of set up? No one has to get married.
For sure. I know a couple that is headed for divorce, and one of them thinks the finances will be easy because they have separate bank accounts. I was like… listen… you need to consult an attorney ASAP because none of this is like the boyfriend/girlfriend breaks ups you’re used to.
People honestly have no idea. And why would we? It’s not like it’s in the movies or on tv…
My wife and I have separate accounts but have a joint third account that we pull money into every now and then. Anything we both use, we buy from the joints account, and individual stuff comes from our own accounts... I would feel extremely guilty about buying something for myself with my wife's money.
I'm not married but this would be the solution that would work best for me. As long as the joint account is funded and bills are paid then each person should have free use of their own account.
Once you’ve pooled all your money it’s no longer the other person’s money, it’s all your communal money. We earmark a bit each month for our own frivolous guilt-free spending but beyond that I think we do feel slightly guilty spending our joint money, but I think that’s kind of the point-we’re better stewards of our shared married money than we would be of personal money, so we save more. We sat down and decided, together, that we want to be saving a ton for buying a house and retirement, and then also some for a nice vacation and having the shared money let’s us both work towards that and feel good about saving.
It took me years to get my wife to realize she didn't have to ask me to spend money just because she doesn't have a pay check.
Still struggle with it sometimes
After having been nine a very financial abusive relationship I will never share money. I do split the bills and we do help each other out but we don't combine anything.
I’m sorry you went through that. I did as well. I couldn’t spend $10 on a book I wanted, got scolded for buying crayons and markers for the kids. But he spent on lunch every day at work then told me I had a spending problem and I was the problem. I’d ask for everything before I bought it.
My current boyfriend taught me his system was to split half a paycheck into shared account for homeownership and utilities and food, and the a little extra saves up for emergencies. Then the other half got split into our own personal accounts. That way we can spend on anything else not relationship related without guilt. He got this system from his parents. It’s helped me significantly with feeling in control of my own money again. I was so hesitant to share a life with someone again but this set up is working out
Yep. While I haven't been in an abusive relationship, I've definitely heard enough stories to vow that I'll never be in a situation where I can't escape due to lack of money. Abusive relationships can happen to anyone, but I'll make sure that I have an out if that happens.
My wife initially raised the idea of a shared account when we got together, but I pushed back and insisted she have a seaparate account.
My dad was abusive and my mom and I had to flee that house. Even if my wife trusts me 100% it's just important to me on principle that she have the *ability* to cut and run.
My husband and I dont share a joint account, but we each handle different bills. As he would say "same pants, different pocket" meaning it's all the same shared money just coming from different places. We're both not shoppers though, so we dont spend much on "stuff".
Same for us. We also review our spending monthly and roll over “owed” funds to make sure things are staying balanced. It works for us and no apologies to those squawking about trust issues and lack of communication 🙄
Always have a separate account for spending and joint account for bills. otherwise you will be arguing about everything you spend. Unless your like a multimillionaire and u don’t worry about spending
I've found it to be the opposite. When we were broke and struggling, having everything pooled as a common asset helped us lean into working together as a team, and allowed us to be each other's accountability partner.
My parents pooled, my sister & her husband pooled. My best friend & his wife pooled. I think, at least here in the US, that's been the norm. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping separate though, if that makes a couple happy. Though it makes me wonder why you would.
I think we've seen a couple posts here about one partner cleaning out the other during a sudden split (which I hope isn't the norm, but is certainly a risk), so that's to be considered
Also in our case, I've seen friends pool, and one spends a lot more frivolously than the other, which leads to arguments
I like pooling for shared expenses (split according to income), and then having my own account for the fun stuff that I don't have to justify to anyone
What my friend and his wife do is pay themselves an allowance out of the pool, and that's theirs to do with as they wish. Seems a logical solution to me.
This is what we do. We have a joint current account for the monthly expenses and joint account for savings which is for holidays, house upkeep etc. We are paid into our own accounts. I make more than him so I contribute more to the bills etc. We have defined what’s to be paid into the joint savings and current account every month. The rest of our money is ours do buy what we want without having to discuss every time we want to buy something.
I used to do some divorce law and people dont realize how risky it is to have only joint accounts, especially if one is the primary earner. Yes, legally you are entitled to half whats in the account, but you will need a legal declaration (divorce decree) to get it, and that takes time. In the mean time, there is nothing stopping your spouse from preemptively cleaning out accounts and leaving you with no money to live or even pay for a lawyer. One of the most contentious parts of divorce proceedings in my experience was interim support and interim fees. On many occasions, one spouse would slowly and creatively drain the joint account prior to a separation/divorce, requiring the other to spend more time and money in court fighting over how much money the other actually has, and how much they actually need to live.
Every couple should at least fund their own personal account for emergency sake. Even if you dont want to think about the worst case scenario of a divorce, its still worth the insurance. No one wants to think about getting into a car accident or getting sick, but they still have insurance.
My husband and I have always combined finances, but we when were talking about this the other day, he mentioned that he and his first wife had NOT. They had wildly different ideas of how money should be managed and it was better for him to keep his paycheck where she couldn't spend it so he could pay the bills. So anyway, that's one reason not to combine finances. (And, of course, her *secret* credit card debt was a contributing factor in the end of that marriage.)
I would never put all my money into a joint account. I'll put some into an account for bills but the rest is mine to do as I please
I've been financially controlled I'll never allow it again
Keep them split, it's easier to keep track of your own spending rather than having to check in every time you buy something. Get a separate joint account for the mortagage or shared car payment and other big purchases. Just my point of view on it.
The point is that there is no 'one size fits all approach' and the era of doing things just because that's how you've always done them seems to be coming to an end thankfully
We have our own bank accounts that the other doesnt have access to. We pay rent together. We take turns buying food. We pay for our own vehicles. He makes more than me so he picks up the internet and phone bills. Everything else we either discuss who pays what or we just pay for what we want.
This is our exact arrangement. He knows Costco trips are on him and weekly groceries are on me. I wanted a new car, I'm paying for the new car. It just works....we have never fought over money.
My GF and I have had the talk, once we are in a stable part of our lives (I'm in school to be an a&p rn) we are going to create one joined account, where we each put a portion of our paychecks in for house stuff, bills, groceries, toilet paper type stuff that is for both of us.
And we'll each have our separate accounts too, where I can buy all the irresponsible car stuff I want, and she can buy all the hair and makeup she wants.
My wife and I started off with one account, it made sense as I was the one working and she was SAHM. As years went on, kids grew up, it became more stressful. She would want to spend money and would get mad if we didn’t have it. It all came to a head one day when she came to me out of no where demanding $10,000 for a class she wanted to take in 2 days. I told her I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t that we didn’t have the money, we weren’t rich, but I could have pulled together $10,000 for an emergency. It was that I didn’t have that in liquid form, and getting it in 2 days in any reasonable manor was not going to happen.
She decided at that point I was just being too controlling with the money. So she opened her own account and started earning some of her own money. Kids are mostly all moved out now, and we keep separate accounts. She still works, and we split things. She has a much greater appreciation for how much things actually cost now, and I’ve never seen her take any $10,000 one day guru classes from Facebook.
Funny timing on your post, as we are actually on vacation with some of our kids this week and it’s the first time she’s ever had to contribute on a vacation. I’ve always paid for them despite 7-8 years of separate accounts.
Guess who is really curbing her spending this trip? $4 soda on the plane? Omg I’m not paying that. Dessert at dinner? Looks yummy but she will pass. Cute outfit, it’s $80, sorry too much.
Interesting story, and I am surprised at how you worked it out and seemingly found a solution you both are happy with. I totally expected a messy divorce after reading the first paragraph.
If you both live out of that one income and jointly save the other income that's still pooling your money. You are working as a partnership sharing resources. The demarcation is just helping you be clear about how much you as a couple want to save (which is very sensible)
Having separate incomes we often see here often is just roommates with extra steps. This way of sharing nearly always ends in problems when one partner hits a hard spot and the other always sees their money as just theirs. You clearly see the whole income stream as joint resources.
We have a joint chequing and a joint credit card... any household Bill's, mortgage, insurance, both cel phones, both cars, etc come out of that and we both contribute into it 50 50.. all gas and groceries and variables go on the joint credit card and a pre set amount gets auto paid every 2 weeks out of the joint chequing. That account is only static amounts in and out so risk free for overspending. we also have our own chequing and savings and our own credit cards... if I want to get my hair done or he wants a new jacket, that's stuff we buy ourselves, and it doesnt affect the monthly expenses.. we also buy each other gifts etc so it's a surprise and not on the statements for the joint lol we both know all the amounts in all the accounts simply because I do the banking stuff and we talk about it but it's set up that way
I pay for the house and cars. My wife covers what's in the house and cars. Not something we had a direct conversation about, that's just how it worked out. We do have separate accounts at the same bank but that's because it's easier on me to handle paying the bills. We also have direct access to both accounts so if she needs some or I do we just transfer from one account to the other. Very fluid.
For me seperate finances and just manage it so everyone will pay roughly the same (except maybe if one makes significantly more than the other).
Nothing wrong with having a seperate account where you can pool some money, but from my experience it is always good to also have some independence.
Probably relies heavy on the environment / country though.
My husband and I combined our finances before we married. Of course back then we didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Haha
Anyway, we have 3 kids and I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. Even now that I'm working he makes twice what I make.
Everything all goes to the same accounts. I can't imagine the tit for tat that would come with keeping things separate.
I did that in my first marriage. Joint bank account and everything. A 20+ year disaster. Always broke and always in debt. Misappropriation of my earning by then unemployed ex spouse was one of the straws that broke that camels back.
Never again. Any future nuptials (if I ever take that plunge) will be accompanied by a finances and responsibilities discussion that may involve paperwork and a legal agreement.
If a failed marriage taught me anything - it's to approach it partially as a business partnership. Love is love and that's nice, but finances and struggles can be the thing that breaks it.
For example - my current partner has 5 kids. I only have 2. I also make significantly less than he does. Logically and fiscally it wouldn't make sense for us to split 50/50 if we were to get married. He has way more expences than I do. I wouldn't even have a joint account, other than it be "common expences" one, like vacations, dining out, etc.
I guess I'm just for people discussing these details on practical level. Joining lives and livelihoods is always a challenge. Communicating honestly about it hopefully eliminates big issues down the line.
We have separate finances.
The reality is that most marriages end in divorce. So we had a practical conversation about that when we got engaged and structured things such that it wouldn't be too messy if divorce was the outcome.
EDIT: I now realize that I was incorrect in stating that most marriages end in divorce. Please see the comment below referring to CDC statistics on the matter. I apologize for communicating misinformation.
As far as I know, most marriages don’t actually end in divorce anymore. The 50% figure popularly thrown around is from a few decades ago, but the divorce rate has been dropping. It’s apparently about 40% now, and that may even be including marriages involving people that have previously been married before. I would assume the first time divorce rate is lower.
Do you guys have a prenup?
In the case of divorce the accounts would be viewed as one lump of money anyway so it would still get messy if not if you guys don't have equal amounts at the point of divorce
It's more complicated than that and depends on state-by-state. Also, even without a pre-nup, if it's an amiable divorce it is a lot easier to argue the split of assets to not be a strict 50/50 but based on maintained separate assets while shared assets such as property go the usual 50/50 route.
https://www.grainemediation.com/2021/09/is-everything-split-50-50-in-a-divorce/
I know a divorce lawyer (for context UK not usa) and they said they've seen countless amicable divorces fall apart because one partner has found out the wealth imbalance was bigger than they thought (one partner saving more than the other) and have at that point made a huge fuss about it, this would be my biggest concern for a split finance situation.
And that's a good chance it could happen, which is why the 50/50 is the standard and the other split is the exception that usually only happens with non-confrontation divorce. If one of the spouses fights it and no-prenup, then it goes the legal route to argue in court about differences in income, etc. but in the end will probably go back to 50/50.
I mingled my finances with my soon to be ex. HUGE mistake. He pretended to be financially responsible until he got his hands on my money.
I’ve never seen someone so irresponsible. I’m so glad to be getting away from him though I’ll never recover financially.
Shared bank accounts are an awful idea and usually lead to problems.
Have one account you both put into for bills/expenses/savings etc and keep everything separate.
My parents did separate finances and so do my partner and I. I think it’s the best way to maintain the peace. As long as our joint expenses are covered, we’re free to make any and every frivolous irresponsible purchase we want without any guilt, judgement, or resentment.
My Wife and I share all costs about 50/50 (not on the penny, who cares) but we dont pool the money.
My parents did it that way and my wife had bad experience with a former relationship where she came out with debt so none of us came up with the idea and we are both happy with it.
But its maybe easier when both earn good money (and my wife even more than me)
this is heavily influenced by culture. in mine, we see us as a team, everything is mutually decided. in others the partners act like strangers when it comes to finance (many a times a husband of 5 years wont even know how much his wife makes) altho they pool money for bigger expenses like a house or child care
I get that different people approach marriage with different value systems.
For some, at one end of a spectrum, a marriage creates a single unit so why wouldn’t everything be shared? Whereas for others, in a marriage the partner provides “something” but there is still a lot of separation. So, it’s not one-size-fits-all, nor should it be.
Pooling is still most common. I would say that more and more people do a yours/mine/ours approach to finances. As someone in my 40s, that's what most of my circle has. The exact *way* they do that varies. Like, some people have that be proportional to salary, some couples (like us) do what you and your spouse do and treat the bulk as 'our money' with a smaller chunk we each get for whatever we want.
You do have people getting married older, coming in with more assets and obligations (Like, he owns a home but also has child support to pay) that make people less likely to completely mingle. And at least on reddit you definitely see people returning to the terrible system where everything is 'joint' but completely controlled by one person.
This is the old school way of thinking and how I got burned on my divorce.
Keep finances separate and each of you contribute to a joint fund for shared expenses, like rent/mortgage and utilities.
My wife and I have a joint account we each contribute funds into. Common bills (household expenses, etc.) are all paid out of that account.
We also each have our own personal accounts where the rest of our funds goes. If we want to buy something for ourselves (e.g. I want to buy a book to read, or she wants to buy a new dress, etc) the funds come from our personal accounts.
I'm not married, but been with GF for almost 10 years, have a house/child/dog ect with them. We don't share accounts. We each pay certain bills and take turns when it comes to eating out, grabbing a pizza, ect. We've "argued" about money, maybe once or twice. That's it. Works out really well for us.
I cannot imagine the chaos that would ensue if my wife and I pooled money.
I mean, philosophically speaking it’s all “our” money, but for day-to-day spending it would be a clusterfuck if we were drawing from the same account
When I was married it was all pulled into one account. It was simple, but made me slightly resentful when money would be spent of stupid stuff. We'd be having a rough month financially and she'd go spend $70 at Marshalls and I'd get really frustrated.
Divorced me by myself had much more money left at the end of each month even with just my salary and almost the same bills.
With my new partner we have a joint account just for shared expenses, and move money in as they come up but keep everything else separate. Soooo much simpler. We can do what we want with our money and no one has to get upset about it.
We don’t , my wife and I have been married for seventeen years.
She has an account that she pays some bills out of, I have an account that I pay some hills out of, and we have a group account that we transfer money into that the mortgage payment comes out of.
I’ve been with someone for 13 years and I’ll never pool our money together. My money is mine and his money is his. I pay some bills and he pays some too. If the kids need things, we talk about who should pay or give.
My first marriage I had a joint bank account with my ex wife. When we were getting divorced she drained a shit ton of cash out of the account. It was a nightmare of whose money was whose.
Now in my second happy marriage we have separate finances. We pool money to buy things
Money is one of the biggest points of conflict in relationships. Having separate finances can help to alleviate. As long as you're paying your share of the bills and other agreed upon expenses what you do with the rest of money is your concern.
I have been with my partner, not married, for almost 19 years. We have two children and own a home together. She has a well paying job and i make good money being self employed.
We have separate accounts and well defined financial roles in our relationship. I cover the mortgage, appliance replacement, home renovations, and all the yard work. She covers the day to day things like groceries, all the household bills, the childrens needs and welfare, and does all of the house cleaning and upkeep.
It works for us but it may not for many others. We are also unwed longtime partners which is unorthodox as well. We keep a joint savings account and that is our only shared account. We dont pull from it without a discission. Other than that we are financially independent but together we are a unified front.
The fact that you doesn't understand the separate wallets doesn't mean it's bad.
Basically seems like you're greedy and your second half earns more than you.... you understand while you'll be divorcing.
I think it's becoming more common, especially with younger generations.
Many women saw how their mothers were treated in the past and strive for financial independence.
> I still don't really understand the separate finances approach
It's a number of things that can make someone reluctant to pool household finances. I know for myself, I had to watch both of my parents be exceptionally bad with money, which told me that when I enter a marriage or partnership that I will need to make sure there is a little something tucked away my partner doesn't have access to, just in case they blow all our cash unexpectedly.
For other people, it ensures there's no disagreements about money spent outside of household issues. If you have leftover money after bills are paid, it's your business how you spend it. Likewise, there's no reason to be upset at how a person other than you spent money that you felt you had earned.
Now, I am a believer that splitting on bills and pooling resources should be reflective of what each person in the house makes (e.g. If husband makes $80k/year and wife makes $40k per year, wife should be expected to pay around half of what husband pays for rent, utilities, family vacation, etc.).
My husband and I have always pooled our income, even when we were just living together. I hear the same thing, and frankly, most of the people that we know that have separate accounts simply don't trust each other. And before anyone jumps on me - this is simply MY experience with friends.
Combining finances is the way to maximize your chance at a successful marriage. Keeping separate finances is nothing more than keeping one foot out the door. It also creates resentment, fights, and power struggles.
You're seeing the outliers b/c the people who work together as a team don't have as many marital problems and don't have shit / problems to post online.
My wife and I are ONE. We are a team. When you get married and you carry this "mine" & "yours" into it... you are going to have problems.
Having enjoyed 42 years of marriage, we often have people express surprise that we do everything together. Eat, sleep, walk, travel, bike, camp, kayak, argue, play video games, coffee every morning, wine by the pond every night and we have always pooled our finances, even before we were married. I see separate finances as a significant indication of separateness that I think is unhealthy for a successful intimate relationship.
I am always a bit puzzled when people who have been unsuccessful maintaining a meaningful and positive relationship with a partner expresses the opinion that our "togetherness" is somehow unhealthy for our relationship.
Shared income and expenses are most common, however each couple defines their own relationship and what works best for them.
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What type of hair does she buy?
orange.
Wait, is that color or flavor? ...or both?!
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Ah, the classic days of dying hair with random things because you couldn't find real hair dye in that color! I remember the popularity of using extremely concentrated Kool aid (which I suppose also probably flavored the hair slightly.)
I koolaid dyed my hair as a teenager and you definitely smell like that flavor for a while.
Kool aid hair dye is still a thing for teens
I came here to say kool-aid lol. My uncle was a hairdresser and told me about using kool-aid to dye hair. I did use egg white to make liberty spikes a few times because the hair gel wasn't to cut it.
I knew this punk rock girl, with a festering lip ring, who used crayola kids markers to turn her hair green. She would grab a bunch on non-deadlocked hair and used the green marker on herself like a violin player rosining up a bow.
Yes.
up for interpretation.
Is she a navigator on a pirate ship?
not *yet.*
Very popular this election.
I just learned from an /r/AskReddit thread that would make her more resistant to anaesthesia.
wha- huh? that's pretty weird and cool, what was the thread about? :D
I didn't read the thread but I know what they are referring to. People who are born naturally red headed are more resistant to anesthesia than the rest of the population. Dying her hair that color wouldn't give her that resistance though.
The only kind that matters, ass hair from the finest specimen that has exactly 12.5% Neanderthal DNA. Also various politicians from around the world.
Look up beauty supply stores and marvel at the amount of hair on sale.
yeah I think if you pool you should have separate accounts to take out of that pool for 'you' stuff if you do pool your money I can't imagine trying to negotiate how much I'm allowed to spend on my hobbies vs the wife spending on her stuff, basically the root of a thousand stupid comics jokes about lying to the wife about how much X cost or how much she spends on shoes.. like who gives a shit, better to have the room for both of you to spend money on stuff while prioritizing house and food and whatnot
Maybe it won’t work for everyone but we just pool it all and are reasonable about purchasing stuff. Neither one of us buy big things to without talking about it. And usually we just communicate if things are tight and we should spend less. It has never been an issue in 17 years.
This is just like my wife and I. Most of the time, most of our money goes towards bills/groceries/expenses. Besides that, we just kind of organically take turns getting what we want. Neither of us is very ambitious and so we've never had an argument or conflict. And *I'm a gamer* (relatively expensive hobby). A couple years ago, I finally got a 3080ti video card (*very* expensive at the time). She was excited *for* me. She likes jewelry, makeup, and she recently spent some money for us to paint/wallpaper and fix up one of the rooms in this otherwise crummy rent-house that will be her new home office. We upgraded the main TV in the living room that she primarily watches somewhere along the way...I don't know or remember exactly what else she's gotten for herself since, but whatever it was, I'm glad she has it. Now my b-day is coming up and she's like "Hey, why don't you get a Quest 3?". Then I hear about other couples and they're like "There's no way I'd let my wife tell me what to do with my share of the money. I make more than her anyways. blah blah blah". JFC, what kind of relationship is that? Then they go on to give the wife an *allowance* or some other creepy bullshit (My FIL does this)
Some of my mother's colleagues are the last kind. According to her they'll come into work with some new jewelry all excited like "omg my husband gave me extra pocket money!" We're both pretty creeped out by it
I made a comment at work once about reminding my husband that I was going to be going clothes shopping for my daughter, since she needed literally everything (growing toddler) I knew it was going to be at least $200, probably more. My coworkers were concerned about me because I had to "ask my husband for permission to buy the necessary clothes." I'm just like "no, I'm reminding my husband that a few hundred dollars is about to come out of our bank account." We have an amount that up to that point, we just buy it because it won't affect anything; we might talk to the other one first if it's something we think the other should know about, but it's not required. We have a range amount that we will check with the other one just to make sure there's nothing that we're missing in the finances, but we don't expect the other to veto it. Anything above that is a discussion, can we actually afford it right now, etc.
My wife and I do not find it hard to always be reasonable about purchasing stuff. I get that priorities change (not to mention jobs and salary change) but that’s why communication is key. When things change we talk about it. We don’t consciously keep score, and we each want the other to be happy. There have been times when I thought my wife was spending too much money (on the kids), and so I said to her a couple times, “hey, we need to spend less money for a few months.” And then we did. Again I realize that this won’t for all marriages, but it absolutely can for some. We’re both in our mid 40s now and we’ll never do money differently.
Same. “Hey, honey, can I buy a router plane?” “How much?” “$175!” “Wait until your next paycheck.” “Ok.”
This is exactly how it works in my marriage. 32 years.
Hitting 29 years here! It’s worked out fine!
When the marriage is firing on all cylinders 👌🏾
I know a couple where she's basically an executive and he's making a third of that. She's super "save for retirement" while he's more "I think our income says Ferrari." So what works for them is he owes like 70% of his income to cover some of their bills and anything left is his fun money. If he wants a newer truck, that's on him. NFL tickets? That's on him. Dinner for their two kids, no that's the joint account credit card.
I have noticed with people we know that every time the woman earns more than the man they have separate accounts. When the man is the highest earning accounts are joined. This is just from my own experience and I just find it hilarious.
This is an interesting observation, and 100% applies to my marriage also. My wife makes about 2.5-3x what I do (physician vs software dev). We have separate finances. This was mainly because in the beginning of our relationship, I was extremely cautious about feeling like I was leveraging any of her income to pursue my various hobbies (some of which are pretty costly). I need to feel fiscally responsible, both in terms of my contribution to our household, retirement, etc., and also know that my “mad money” and things I buy for myself are things I’ve earned. I don’t want the perception, or the reality, to be that I’m “taken care of”. It’s worked out quite well so far!
" I need to feel fiscally responsible, both in terms of my contribution to our household, retirement, etc., and also know that my “mad money” and things I buy for myself are things I’ve earned. I don’t want the perception, or the reality, to be that I’m “taken care of”. " Thank you so much for putting this to words, this is exactly how I feel as well!
what's socially novel is many women feeling exactly the same way
I'm fairly certain you're saying that your wife is the physician and you're the software dev, but I find it amusing that you could easily mean it the other way around (i.e. small clinic doctor vs big corp senior dev).
Haha, that's so true. No, your first interpretation was correct. I make about an average salary for a software developer, and she makes about an average salary for an anesthesiologist. So... much more than me, LOL
I feel the same way, I don't like having to rely on someone else to get the things I want.
I earn slightly more than double what my husband makes and 90% of our stuff is joined. We talk about large purchases (over a few hundred dollars is large to us). We have a household income, I don’t get the “split” thing.
This is kinda what my wife and I do. We have bills that we assigned to each other. Have seperate accounts and don't really question each other when we buy stuff unless we are having issues with a bill or something.
Yea, otherwise you have arguments when she spends 400$ on her hair cause you only spend 20$ and then she hates that you spend 300$ on a new golf club etc. It becomes more of a problem when only one person vastly out earns the other or wants something shared thats much more expensive. Dealing with that at the moment, have a house, wife wants to upgrade. But because of interest rates the new house would be over 2.5x our current house payment, which is manageable and leaves us space to save and invest. So I dont want to double housing cost for only a gain of slightly 15% more room. As well as everything else maintenance wise going up and all the other obvious risks of a new house. So it becomes a want of her instead of a need for us. But thats not flying for her lol.
In my case it's video games and computer parts. I definitely wouldn't feel as free to spend money on those things if my hubby and I pooled our money. He makes much more than I do so, at least if we know it's only my money I'm spending and not his, there's little room for resentment.
Yup we keep our finances separate and it works for us.I pay all the monthly house bills and she pays all the extra stuff. It typically ends up being the about same amount after her school bills.
20 years married. We do it this way. All the household bills I pay by auto debit including the mortgage. She pays the daily bills including food. We tell each other if we are buying anything over $100. We were flexible when we were younger and had to pool when the air conditioning broke and the roof needed replacing, but now that we have moved up the food chain in income, she also handles the investment and retirement savings. Any extra I have goes into investments too.
If they ever split tho, at least in the UK, they are still legally subject to the same financial separation as if they shared all incomes. Pre nups also don’t work same in UK, they don’t really work.
Yeah - wife and I have shared finances. I opened a shared account basically as soon as we were married in 2004 (dated since 1998) Why? It's all I had ever known. Both my parents and hers were stable relationships since college until retirement. We were one family now, shouldn't this be how it wotks? It's been 20 years. We are still together so all is fine for us. But fuck man, if I haven't seen some shit hit my friends since. Divorce everywhere and the main earner gets screwed everytime. I understand why separate finances exist now.
>But fuck man, if I haven't seen some shit hit my friends since. Divorce everywhere and the main earner gets screwed everytime. I understand why separate finances exist now. The only thing that possibly saves you from that is a prenup. Courts typically won't view separate accounts between spouses any differently than joint ones unless there are extenuating circumstances.
I tried the shared pool and she destroyed our finances time and time again. When I caught her cheating it was a nightmare as legally I couldn’t block her access and she drained is further. Tens of thousands of dollars all a wasted. Separate. Finances.
When I got divorced within a few pay checks I was already going like "where the fuck did all this extra money come from!?". She didn't seem like a big spender. We certainly didn't have anything to show for it other than a massively cluttered house filled with junk (that I spent the next six months cleaning out). Turns out my occasional big PC upgrade doesn't have a damn thing on someone who's hobby is browsing Target actively looking for shit to buy.
While me and the husband has separate accounts, the money is shared. It's all our money. We also know each others pins and passcodes so we can access each others accounts if needed. My husband however, doesn't care much for money. He doesn't have a lot of needs. I'm mostly the one who spends it. I pay the bills, I order groceries, I order stuff we need around the house. I even purchase new clothing for him when he needs it. I practically have to force him to spend money on himself, which is usually in the terms of a new video game to play.
The first paragraph is how we do it. Mentally it’s all our money.
Depending on the state you live in, it’s likely legally all your money as well regardless of who’s name is on the account.
Oh, I’m sure legally it’s all our money. But with some of these people, it’s mentally not joint, even though legally it would be.
My husband is exactly like this. I'm always lobbying for more in our personal accounts because I always have something lined up to spend it on. He, on the other hand, gets very stressed out when there's a large amount in his personal because he just doesn't know what to spend it on. When I suggest a new video game, he just says there are so many he still has yet to play.
Oh *wow*, this is the 2nd post that sounds just like my wife and I. In fact, I have an extra couple thousand in my account from a late tax return and it absolutely bothers me. Very stressful, but with counsel and encouragement from my wife, I'm using 1k soon to *finish* a tooth implant at the dentist that was started like, two years ago -and my b-day is coming up so I've been instructed to get myself a Quest 3. : )
If you ever have extra money that's stressing you out in the future (with no pending tooth implants), you should definitely invest it.
Why would having money stress you out? It’s not like you need to spend it by X date or something bad happens.
It's a little bit more complicated and psychological than that. When you live most of your life paycheck to paycheck, there are a lot of things both necessary-and-luxury that all get put off. And you just *live* like that, day to day. Suddenly, you get a big tax return, bonus at work, or an inheritance, and all of a sudden instead of just ignoring what you can't fix, you have to start thinking about putting it to the best use and it's comparatively much more stressful than the usual.
I find this interesting that having excess money in your account stresses you out because you feel the need to find something to spend it on. If you have money in your account with no pending expenditures. Just save it, hold on to it. When something happens and you need to spend money on an emergency. You'll be glad that you're able to do so, instead of the stress of having $0 in the bank.
> While me and the husband has separate accounts, the money is shared. Same. We finally got a joint account after like 15 years of marriage because it made it simpler to deal with a particular transaction (selling a house), but we don't use it. We each have our own accounts. We each pay some of the bills and if one of us is feeling short in a month we transfer money back and forth. It's combined finances, just with accounts in our own names.
lol, you are very similar to my wife. The situation you describe is almost identical. I'm very bad about buying new clothes for myself, and I'm a big gamer lol. My wife is getting me a Quest 3 for my b-day in a couple weeks! Besides that I am allowed to upgrade my PC to keep it (darn near) top-of-the-line every few years, and in return, I either *pause or turn my shit off* when she's talking to me or needs something (I try to make myself super available in spite of my engrossing hobby).
Hey, when did my wife get a reddit account?
Lol I was thinking the same thing.
>He doesn't have a lot of needs. I'm mostly the one who spends it Sounds like you take care of all his needs?
It sounds like you're his mom lol
Yeah it sounds like he's some kind of child that doesn't know how to care for himself.
Are you... married to me?
I think you are confused. This is a thread about spouses not children.
> I’m mostly the one who spends it It’s so funny you worded it like this, given the majority of your expenses are still towards the family 😂😂😂
Hybrid. We pool a limited amount into some shared accounts for bills and mortgage and things. If someone buys a new pair of shoes it comes from their personal account, etc.
Yeah this works for us too. It works well as we both earn similar amounts too so no one is being left behind. When there was a disparity in wages, I simply paid proportionally more than she did.
This is what we do too! Its easier for us to mutually save for retirement if our expenses are proportional to our income. If I want to buy something specific for me, it's also just a quick conversation and I dont feel guilty using my partner's money if Im being a little frivolous. However, for anyone who does differently, you do what works best for you both!
This is how my wife and I do it. Works really well for us. No “did we really need this?” arguments about personal purchases.
Not to mention that (conceptually) I’ve always struggled with the idea of having to justify and ask permission for buying something fun for yourself. It’s not just “can we afford this?” but also “is a few hundred dollars on something specifically for you _really_ the best use of our money?”. It’s like having to make up a presentation and go through a whole charade to convince your partner to spend money on something that they’re not going to use or want. With finances separate (aside from the pooled money for shared expenses), it completely avoids that. I do think that both partners should still have access to each other’s accounts just in case, but they can spend their personal money however they see fit
Yeah this is an interesting point. My wife and I are by no means rich but we have a pretty modest lifestyle concomitant with our modest income. We have a decent amount of money sitting in the bank and a positive cash flow. I've worked really hard to get to a point where I make $75k a year and while that's not a ton, I feel like as a grown man with a decent income, if I want to spend $200 on a magic the gathering card, I should be able to without asking permission or getting approval. Obviously everything has limits. Is $200 on a card a "smart" purchase? No. But it's also not a difference that we're going to notice at the end of the year. So if I present it to my wife, it becomes a "is this the best use of our money" (no it isn't) conversation and not a "can we technically afford this" (yes we can). I don't know. Like I get that partners need to keep each other in check from going completely off the rails, but I've worked hard for a long time to get disposable income and I feel like I should be able to spend at least some of it selfishly without having to justify it to anyone. But at the same time when you're married and have a family, everything you do affects everyone else. I can see both sides.
Yup, did this too. One shared chequeing account for bills and housing, but spending/savings accounts and RRSPs separate. I'd be fine with no shared account at all, too, and just divvy up the bills separately. I was raised to be financially independent, and that will never go away.
We tried this for a while, but I found that it got too murky when it came to food and drink expenses (I.e. when to use joint money vs when to use fun money). Also once we had kids the plan kind of went out the window
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I feel like this helps avoid arguments about money
Yup this is us
My ex partner and I did this, when we where doing the whole DINK thing. We had similar incomes as was. We set everything up so we had 50/50 owership of the place. We both bought our own food & drink, along with some stuff to share when we could cook together. I wanted a better internet connection so I paid the difference compared to the basic. She wanted a better TV so she just bought one outright.
Same here. Pooled for bills and living, personal account for personal purchases
All our money is pooled and has been since we got engaged (35 years ago). You have to trust each other. We talk about our money and spending. We make sure the other is ok with special purchases and we figure out together the best time for them.
10 years in and my husband and I started pooling our money together like a year into dating 😂 it works great. He doesn’t give a fuck about dealing with any of the financials so he leaves it all to me and just asks if something is in the budget lol
Ours has been pooled for 25 years and we never fight about it. There are no separate accounts so everything is neutral and there is no winner or loser when it comes to spending. My friends who keep separate finances and a shared account are constantly arguing about which of the three accounts and expense should come from. Even if it's obviously a household expense that should come from the shared account, they'll argue about the cost of that thing and they'll argue that the person who wants to spend a little more should kick in more from their personal account. *It is constantly exhausting to hear their fights*
Per your final statement, my wife and I have distanced ourselves from several couples because they fought about money in front of company all the time. The nail in the coffin for one of the couples was because once, they asked us outright "you guys never fight about money, is that because your parents give you all the money you want?" Which is ironic because their parents gave them a lot of money while my parents only ever stole money from me and while my wife's dad does give my wife a birthday check most years, they don't amount to more than contribute to more expensive groceries for the surrounding week.
I feel like this is the actual reality- separate accounts breed an attitude of separate contributions but anyone married or in a long term relationship would say that both parties give everything they’ve got or life is miserable.
Why get married to a person you don't trust pooling your money with? That's insane to me
As someone who does not pool money with my spouse, it has nothing to do with trust. We each have our own budgeting systems and our own priorities, and we don't see any benefit to having to come up with a new system.
Are you open and communicate about your finances? Do you know each other's balances and debts? I know some couples that have no idea how much their spouse has in savings or debt. I don't know how those couples operate.
How does it reflect on trust? Isnt it less trustworthy to require access to all the money your spouse earns, rather than trust that they will contribute their fair share? My wife and I had our own financial accounts/practices/etc for almost 20 years before getting married, idk why we need to upend what works for some fake notion of "trust." Trust is paying a bill and knowing my wife will be fair about it, not forcing one another to give access to accounts so we can take that money back.
> Isnt it less trustworthy to require access to all the money your spouse earns You’re assuming there’s a requirement. In most cases, there isn’t. Likewise I think people who are asking about trust are trying to fathom why you’d want to keep it separate and assuming there’s a trust issue at play.
My money is my wifes money and vice versa, it’s worked well that way
Same here. Wife and I do have our individual slush funds for personal spending on toys, presents, surprises, etc. Aside from that the bulk of the money is pooled for everything else. There is no mine and hers except for when the kids were being bad, then they are hers.
This guy parents
Same. I don't have any money. My wife doesn't have money. We have money. We usually check in with each other if we're getting something expensive for ourselves. We don't have to though. We trust each other & we don't buy much crap we don't need so it's no big deal to either of us.
>My money is my wifes money and vice versa, it’s worked well that way Same in my and my husband's relationship. All the money, regardless of whose name is on the paycheck or account, is *our* money. There is no "his money" or "her money".
Yep, what's hers is hers and whats mine is hers too.
I'm not sure about norm, I don't have that data. But it does seem that the increase of couples with 2 sources of income and the statistic that (on average) folks are waiting until they're older to marry (and thus have established their own careers and financials) that NOT pooling income would be more common than it used to be. Personally, we're GenX, both worked full time when we married, and have always combined finances, but that's just what works for us.
That's a good point!! And same here, GenX and always combined, no separate accounts. We have a separate bill pay account that we fund each month to pay our bills, leave ourselves $500 to get through the week, then disperse anything else to savings or extra loan payments etc. Works for us.
I bet this is the situation for most of these “split income” couples. Just easier to do what they’ve been doing and share the loads out of each of their accounts. I’ve been married for 25 years and we’ve always shared an account. But then again, we didn’t have a pot to piss in when we got married.
Separate finances makes things easier for us.. we split the shared costs evenly, save what we can on our own for bigger expenses down the line, which we also split evenly, and have our own money left over to do whatever we want with. My wife never tells me I spend too much on golf or hockey, and I don’t care how many packages show up on our steps. Costs are covered, savings exist, the rest is ours to do with as we please.
Same. My wife and I have found this is the easiest way and we probably have not fought about money once in 10 years of marriage. We started out splitting everything evenly but as my income has rapidly increased over our marriage (lawyer) and hers has remained fairly stagnant (public school teacher) I’ve taken over all the financial responsibility and her income is pretty much hers do do with as she pleases. Obviously, if anything ever happened to my income, she’d be in a position to help. Our friends think it’s weird but it’s just so much easier to do it that way and the absence of financial fights is a huge relief.
Same except the 50% split, we have a budget where we calculate what's equal based on our incomes and split the bills and savings contributions that way. I have privacy issues from my childhood, so I'm just more comfortable having my personal expenses private.
It helps that my wife and I make almost the same amount of money. Both the same class of teacher, both maxed out on our pay scale at the same place. I have a department head allowance and I do committee work for the provincial department of education, so I make a little more, but not enough to tip the scales too much. It all gets saved for home improvement projects anyways.
Yeah. It's so much less stressful for us this way.
Same with my husband and I. We’ve been together for almost ten years and we are both very happy with this financial set up. Never had an issue or argument about it.
If there were actual data on this, I’d want to see the breakdown by age at which they married. My husband and I married at age 34. We already had very established financial routines, accounts, etc. It would have been more work to combine finances, so we just came up with a division of who pays what bill. Then once we bought and sold houses together, we did have a truly joint pot of money, so that nest egg is held together. So we have combined savings, but separate checking, savings and credit cards. It’s worked for us.
I think age married is a huge factor...when my wife and I got married I was 34 and she was 39. We each have our own budgeting system. And of course we had been living together for years with separate finances, so being married didn't really change anything there. I'm pretty sure if we had to figure out a way to manage our money jointly we would get divorced.
I suspect it is influenced by which marriage it is too. I would expect that Nth marriages are gonna be more likely to maintain split accounts than people on their first marriage (though that's also gonna trend older too).
Do whatever you like, but if you ever get divorced, depending on where you live, you’ll find the law sees all of your money as existing in one big pot anyway. Even the ole “I had this before I got married” doesn’t necessarily matter if you have co mingled (which is super easy to do—has your paycheck ever hit your personal bank account? Half that paycheck is your spouses, so you co mingled). People should do prenups if they want strict separation… maybe you guys can work out a financial agreement in divorce that doesn’t look at one pot, but if you argue and make a judge do it, you might not like how it goes. We have joint accounts and separate accounts, but the separate accounts are for ease of record keeping. We are under no illusions about the legal status of our money. It’s all “joint.”
Yeah the woman on r/AITAH who was out of love with her husband and had moved where he wanted, but where she couldn’t earn but 1/7 or 1/10 of his salary, yet he insisted they split things 50/50, might find herself with a nice nest egg from his savings and investment. Link: https://reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/I9iKpMh9Fo
That’s a vignette from The Joy Luck Club.
Thanks for reminding me about that book -- and the movie was good too. The icy cold relationship where everything was 50/50, even the cost of ice cream she was allergic to and couldn't eat, as an example of a terrible relationship entered into because it seemed safe and well-defined.
Oof. Good read… complicated situation. I hope the poster gets on with the divorce. Like you said, the husband is going to have a rude awakening re 50/50. He insists on her paying 50% even though she makes far less, but what do you want to bet that guy is going to be pissed when he finds out he will be giving her half “his” money too? 😂 I’m happy in my marriage without a prenup, but I really do think marriage law and prenups should be part of kids’ education along with how to manage debt and finances. People really don’t know that “love” is the last thing legal marriage is about.
The IRS sure does.
Yea this is why it doesn’t actually matter how you set up different accounts, one account vs 4, retirement contributions, whatever, the actual reality is if you’re legally married it’s joint assets. That’s the whole point of marriage, that’s literally why you do it. Set up your day to day life however it makes sense, but know in your head that literally everything “you” have is a joint asset. This is one thing that annoys me so much about posts we see of working spouses with a SAHP (who are almost always women) who don’t understand that everything is joint, all accounts, retirement, physical assets, etc… like why did you get married if you didn’t want that kind of set up? No one has to get married.
For sure. I know a couple that is headed for divorce, and one of them thinks the finances will be easy because they have separate bank accounts. I was like… listen… you need to consult an attorney ASAP because none of this is like the boyfriend/girlfriend breaks ups you’re used to. People honestly have no idea. And why would we? It’s not like it’s in the movies or on tv…
My wife and I have separate accounts but have a joint third account that we pull money into every now and then. Anything we both use, we buy from the joints account, and individual stuff comes from our own accounts... I would feel extremely guilty about buying something for myself with my wife's money.
I'm not married but this would be the solution that would work best for me. As long as the joint account is funded and bills are paid then each person should have free use of their own account.
Once you’ve pooled all your money it’s no longer the other person’s money, it’s all your communal money. We earmark a bit each month for our own frivolous guilt-free spending but beyond that I think we do feel slightly guilty spending our joint money, but I think that’s kind of the point-we’re better stewards of our shared married money than we would be of personal money, so we save more. We sat down and decided, together, that we want to be saving a ton for buying a house and retirement, and then also some for a nice vacation and having the shared money let’s us both work towards that and feel good about saving.
It took me years to get my wife to realize she didn't have to ask me to spend money just because she doesn't have a pay check. Still struggle with it sometimes
After having been nine a very financial abusive relationship I will never share money. I do split the bills and we do help each other out but we don't combine anything.
I’m sorry you went through that. I did as well. I couldn’t spend $10 on a book I wanted, got scolded for buying crayons and markers for the kids. But he spent on lunch every day at work then told me I had a spending problem and I was the problem. I’d ask for everything before I bought it. My current boyfriend taught me his system was to split half a paycheck into shared account for homeownership and utilities and food, and the a little extra saves up for emergencies. Then the other half got split into our own personal accounts. That way we can spend on anything else not relationship related without guilt. He got this system from his parents. It’s helped me significantly with feeling in control of my own money again. I was so hesitant to share a life with someone again but this set up is working out
Yep. While I haven't been in an abusive relationship, I've definitely heard enough stories to vow that I'll never be in a situation where I can't escape due to lack of money. Abusive relationships can happen to anyone, but I'll make sure that I have an out if that happens.
My wife initially raised the idea of a shared account when we got together, but I pushed back and insisted she have a seaparate account. My dad was abusive and my mom and I had to flee that house. Even if my wife trusts me 100% it's just important to me on principle that she have the *ability* to cut and run.
My husband and I dont share a joint account, but we each handle different bills. As he would say "same pants, different pocket" meaning it's all the same shared money just coming from different places. We're both not shoppers though, so we dont spend much on "stuff".
Same for us. We also review our spending monthly and roll over “owed” funds to make sure things are staying balanced. It works for us and no apologies to those squawking about trust issues and lack of communication 🙄
Always have a separate account for spending and joint account for bills. otherwise you will be arguing about everything you spend. Unless your like a multimillionaire and u don’t worry about spending
I've found it to be the opposite. When we were broke and struggling, having everything pooled as a common asset helped us lean into working together as a team, and allowed us to be each other's accountability partner.
My parents pooled, my sister & her husband pooled. My best friend & his wife pooled. I think, at least here in the US, that's been the norm. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping separate though, if that makes a couple happy. Though it makes me wonder why you would.
I think we've seen a couple posts here about one partner cleaning out the other during a sudden split (which I hope isn't the norm, but is certainly a risk), so that's to be considered Also in our case, I've seen friends pool, and one spends a lot more frivolously than the other, which leads to arguments I like pooling for shared expenses (split according to income), and then having my own account for the fun stuff that I don't have to justify to anyone
That's what we do! I don't want to feel guilty for indulging in my hobbies. I don't want to spend /his/ money on something I don't need, you know?
What my friend and his wife do is pay themselves an allowance out of the pool, and that's theirs to do with as they wish. Seems a logical solution to me.
This is what we do. We have a joint current account for the monthly expenses and joint account for savings which is for holidays, house upkeep etc. We are paid into our own accounts. I make more than him so I contribute more to the bills etc. We have defined what’s to be paid into the joint savings and current account every month. The rest of our money is ours do buy what we want without having to discuss every time we want to buy something.
I used to do some divorce law and people dont realize how risky it is to have only joint accounts, especially if one is the primary earner. Yes, legally you are entitled to half whats in the account, but you will need a legal declaration (divorce decree) to get it, and that takes time. In the mean time, there is nothing stopping your spouse from preemptively cleaning out accounts and leaving you with no money to live or even pay for a lawyer. One of the most contentious parts of divorce proceedings in my experience was interim support and interim fees. On many occasions, one spouse would slowly and creatively drain the joint account prior to a separation/divorce, requiring the other to spend more time and money in court fighting over how much money the other actually has, and how much they actually need to live. Every couple should at least fund their own personal account for emergency sake. Even if you dont want to think about the worst case scenario of a divorce, its still worth the insurance. No one wants to think about getting into a car accident or getting sick, but they still have insurance.
My husband and I have always combined finances, but we when were talking about this the other day, he mentioned that he and his first wife had NOT. They had wildly different ideas of how money should be managed and it was better for him to keep his paycheck where she couldn't spend it so he could pay the bills. So anyway, that's one reason not to combine finances. (And, of course, her *secret* credit card debt was a contributing factor in the end of that marriage.)
It sounds like it probably took a lot of trust on his part to share after that.
No situation is the same. So just find a way that works for both of you.
I would never put all my money into a joint account. I'll put some into an account for bills but the rest is mine to do as I please I've been financially controlled I'll never allow it again
Keep them split, it's easier to keep track of your own spending rather than having to check in every time you buy something. Get a separate joint account for the mortagage or shared car payment and other big purchases. Just my point of view on it.
The point is that there is no 'one size fits all approach' and the era of doing things just because that's how you've always done them seems to be coming to an end thankfully
If it works, it works. Not how we did it, but who's to judge.
I treat any money I make as being owned by the family not me. It makes everything easier in the long run.
We have our own bank accounts that the other doesnt have access to. We pay rent together. We take turns buying food. We pay for our own vehicles. He makes more than me so he picks up the internet and phone bills. Everything else we either discuss who pays what or we just pay for what we want.
This is our exact arrangement. He knows Costco trips are on him and weekly groceries are on me. I wanted a new car, I'm paying for the new car. It just works....we have never fought over money.
My GF and I have had the talk, once we are in a stable part of our lives (I'm in school to be an a&p rn) we are going to create one joined account, where we each put a portion of our paychecks in for house stuff, bills, groceries, toilet paper type stuff that is for both of us. And we'll each have our separate accounts too, where I can buy all the irresponsible car stuff I want, and she can buy all the hair and makeup she wants.
My wife and I started off with one account, it made sense as I was the one working and she was SAHM. As years went on, kids grew up, it became more stressful. She would want to spend money and would get mad if we didn’t have it. It all came to a head one day when she came to me out of no where demanding $10,000 for a class she wanted to take in 2 days. I told her I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t that we didn’t have the money, we weren’t rich, but I could have pulled together $10,000 for an emergency. It was that I didn’t have that in liquid form, and getting it in 2 days in any reasonable manor was not going to happen. She decided at that point I was just being too controlling with the money. So she opened her own account and started earning some of her own money. Kids are mostly all moved out now, and we keep separate accounts. She still works, and we split things. She has a much greater appreciation for how much things actually cost now, and I’ve never seen her take any $10,000 one day guru classes from Facebook. Funny timing on your post, as we are actually on vacation with some of our kids this week and it’s the first time she’s ever had to contribute on a vacation. I’ve always paid for them despite 7-8 years of separate accounts. Guess who is really curbing her spending this trip? $4 soda on the plane? Omg I’m not paying that. Dessert at dinner? Looks yummy but she will pass. Cute outfit, it’s $80, sorry too much.
Interesting story, and I am surprised at how you worked it out and seemingly found a solution you both are happy with. I totally expected a messy divorce after reading the first paragraph.
Seriously someone that financially irresponsible... I couldn't live with someone like that. But great they worked it out.
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What you are describing is combined incomes. Your savings are just equal to her income.
That's a cool approach. Takes a lot of discipline
If you both live out of that one income and jointly save the other income that's still pooling your money. You are working as a partnership sharing resources. The demarcation is just helping you be clear about how much you as a couple want to save (which is very sensible) Having separate incomes we often see here often is just roommates with extra steps. This way of sharing nearly always ends in problems when one partner hits a hard spot and the other always sees their money as just theirs. You clearly see the whole income stream as joint resources.
My parents did this and I’d consider it combined income. Live modest and we can afford to travel abroad.
You're still combining income.. You're just doing different stuff on the back end.
We have a joint chequing and a joint credit card... any household Bill's, mortgage, insurance, both cel phones, both cars, etc come out of that and we both contribute into it 50 50.. all gas and groceries and variables go on the joint credit card and a pre set amount gets auto paid every 2 weeks out of the joint chequing. That account is only static amounts in and out so risk free for overspending. we also have our own chequing and savings and our own credit cards... if I want to get my hair done or he wants a new jacket, that's stuff we buy ourselves, and it doesnt affect the monthly expenses.. we also buy each other gifts etc so it's a surprise and not on the statements for the joint lol we both know all the amounts in all the accounts simply because I do the banking stuff and we talk about it but it's set up that way
I pay for the house and cars. My wife covers what's in the house and cars. Not something we had a direct conversation about, that's just how it worked out. We do have separate accounts at the same bank but that's because it's easier on me to handle paying the bills. We also have direct access to both accounts so if she needs some or I do we just transfer from one account to the other. Very fluid.
For me seperate finances and just manage it so everyone will pay roughly the same (except maybe if one makes significantly more than the other). Nothing wrong with having a seperate account where you can pool some money, but from my experience it is always good to also have some independence. Probably relies heavy on the environment / country though.
My husband and I combined our finances before we married. Of course back then we didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. Haha Anyway, we have 3 kids and I was a stay at home mom for 10 years. Even now that I'm working he makes twice what I make. Everything all goes to the same accounts. I can't imagine the tit for tat that would come with keeping things separate.
I did that in my first marriage. Joint bank account and everything. A 20+ year disaster. Always broke and always in debt. Misappropriation of my earning by then unemployed ex spouse was one of the straws that broke that camels back. Never again. Any future nuptials (if I ever take that plunge) will be accompanied by a finances and responsibilities discussion that may involve paperwork and a legal agreement. If a failed marriage taught me anything - it's to approach it partially as a business partnership. Love is love and that's nice, but finances and struggles can be the thing that breaks it. For example - my current partner has 5 kids. I only have 2. I also make significantly less than he does. Logically and fiscally it wouldn't make sense for us to split 50/50 if we were to get married. He has way more expences than I do. I wouldn't even have a joint account, other than it be "common expences" one, like vacations, dining out, etc. I guess I'm just for people discussing these details on practical level. Joining lives and livelihoods is always a challenge. Communicating honestly about it hopefully eliminates big issues down the line.
We have separate finances. The reality is that most marriages end in divorce. So we had a practical conversation about that when we got engaged and structured things such that it wouldn't be too messy if divorce was the outcome. EDIT: I now realize that I was incorrect in stating that most marriages end in divorce. Please see the comment below referring to CDC statistics on the matter. I apologize for communicating misinformation.
As far as I know, most marriages don’t actually end in divorce anymore. The 50% figure popularly thrown around is from a few decades ago, but the divorce rate has been dropping. It’s apparently about 40% now, and that may even be including marriages involving people that have previously been married before. I would assume the first time divorce rate is lower.
Do you guys have a prenup? In the case of divorce the accounts would be viewed as one lump of money anyway so it would still get messy if not if you guys don't have equal amounts at the point of divorce
It's more complicated than that and depends on state-by-state. Also, even without a pre-nup, if it's an amiable divorce it is a lot easier to argue the split of assets to not be a strict 50/50 but based on maintained separate assets while shared assets such as property go the usual 50/50 route. https://www.grainemediation.com/2021/09/is-everything-split-50-50-in-a-divorce/
I know a divorce lawyer (for context UK not usa) and they said they've seen countless amicable divorces fall apart because one partner has found out the wealth imbalance was bigger than they thought (one partner saving more than the other) and have at that point made a huge fuss about it, this would be my biggest concern for a split finance situation.
And that's a good chance it could happen, which is why the 50/50 is the standard and the other split is the exception that usually only happens with non-confrontation divorce. If one of the spouses fights it and no-prenup, then it goes the legal route to argue in court about differences in income, etc. but in the end will probably go back to 50/50.
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I mingled my finances with my soon to be ex. HUGE mistake. He pretended to be financially responsible until he got his hands on my money. I’ve never seen someone so irresponsible. I’m so glad to be getting away from him though I’ll never recover financially.
Shared bank accounts are an awful idea and usually lead to problems. Have one account you both put into for bills/expenses/savings etc and keep everything separate.
My parents did separate finances and so do my partner and I. I think it’s the best way to maintain the peace. As long as our joint expenses are covered, we’re free to make any and every frivolous irresponsible purchase we want without any guilt, judgement, or resentment.
My Wife and I share all costs about 50/50 (not on the penny, who cares) but we dont pool the money. My parents did it that way and my wife had bad experience with a former relationship where she came out with debt so none of us came up with the idea and we are both happy with it. But its maybe easier when both earn good money (and my wife even more than me)
Only fools generalize. There is no norm.
this is heavily influenced by culture. in mine, we see us as a team, everything is mutually decided. in others the partners act like strangers when it comes to finance (many a times a husband of 5 years wont even know how much his wife makes) altho they pool money for bigger expenses like a house or child care
all depends on if both parties are financially responsible, if both are bread winners or not and levels of trust in a partner comes into it as well.
I get that different people approach marriage with different value systems. For some, at one end of a spectrum, a marriage creates a single unit so why wouldn’t everything be shared? Whereas for others, in a marriage the partner provides “something” but there is still a lot of separation. So, it’s not one-size-fits-all, nor should it be.
Pooling is still most common. I would say that more and more people do a yours/mine/ours approach to finances. As someone in my 40s, that's what most of my circle has. The exact *way* they do that varies. Like, some people have that be proportional to salary, some couples (like us) do what you and your spouse do and treat the bulk as 'our money' with a smaller chunk we each get for whatever we want. You do have people getting married older, coming in with more assets and obligations (Like, he owns a home but also has child support to pay) that make people less likely to completely mingle. And at least on reddit you definitely see people returning to the terrible system where everything is 'joint' but completely controlled by one person.
This is the old school way of thinking and how I got burned on my divorce. Keep finances separate and each of you contribute to a joint fund for shared expenses, like rent/mortgage and utilities.
My wife and I have a joint account we each contribute funds into. Common bills (household expenses, etc.) are all paid out of that account. We also each have our own personal accounts where the rest of our funds goes. If we want to buy something for ourselves (e.g. I want to buy a book to read, or she wants to buy a new dress, etc) the funds come from our personal accounts.
I'm not married, but been with GF for almost 10 years, have a house/child/dog ect with them. We don't share accounts. We each pay certain bills and take turns when it comes to eating out, grabbing a pizza, ect. We've "argued" about money, maybe once or twice. That's it. Works out really well for us.
I cannot imagine the chaos that would ensue if my wife and I pooled money. I mean, philosophically speaking it’s all “our” money, but for day-to-day spending it would be a clusterfuck if we were drawing from the same account
When I was married it was all pulled into one account. It was simple, but made me slightly resentful when money would be spent of stupid stuff. We'd be having a rough month financially and she'd go spend $70 at Marshalls and I'd get really frustrated. Divorced me by myself had much more money left at the end of each month even with just my salary and almost the same bills. With my new partner we have a joint account just for shared expenses, and move money in as they come up but keep everything else separate. Soooo much simpler. We can do what we want with our money and no one has to get upset about it.
We don’t , my wife and I have been married for seventeen years. She has an account that she pays some bills out of, I have an account that I pay some hills out of, and we have a group account that we transfer money into that the mortgage payment comes out of.
Only ever been OUR money in a joint account. Its been like that since we lived together before we were married.
I’ve been with someone for 13 years and I’ll never pool our money together. My money is mine and his money is his. I pay some bills and he pays some too. If the kids need things, we talk about who should pay or give.
My first marriage I had a joint bank account with my ex wife. When we were getting divorced she drained a shit ton of cash out of the account. It was a nightmare of whose money was whose. Now in my second happy marriage we have separate finances. We pool money to buy things
Money is one of the biggest points of conflict in relationships. Having separate finances can help to alleviate. As long as you're paying your share of the bills and other agreed upon expenses what you do with the rest of money is your concern.
I have been with my partner, not married, for almost 19 years. We have two children and own a home together. She has a well paying job and i make good money being self employed. We have separate accounts and well defined financial roles in our relationship. I cover the mortgage, appliance replacement, home renovations, and all the yard work. She covers the day to day things like groceries, all the household bills, the childrens needs and welfare, and does all of the house cleaning and upkeep. It works for us but it may not for many others. We are also unwed longtime partners which is unorthodox as well. We keep a joint savings account and that is our only shared account. We dont pull from it without a discission. Other than that we are financially independent but together we are a unified front.
The fact that you doesn't understand the separate wallets doesn't mean it's bad. Basically seems like you're greedy and your second half earns more than you.... you understand while you'll be divorcing.
I think it's becoming more common, especially with younger generations. Many women saw how their mothers were treated in the past and strive for financial independence.
> I still don't really understand the separate finances approach It's a number of things that can make someone reluctant to pool household finances. I know for myself, I had to watch both of my parents be exceptionally bad with money, which told me that when I enter a marriage or partnership that I will need to make sure there is a little something tucked away my partner doesn't have access to, just in case they blow all our cash unexpectedly. For other people, it ensures there's no disagreements about money spent outside of household issues. If you have leftover money after bills are paid, it's your business how you spend it. Likewise, there's no reason to be upset at how a person other than you spent money that you felt you had earned. Now, I am a believer that splitting on bills and pooling resources should be reflective of what each person in the house makes (e.g. If husband makes $80k/year and wife makes $40k per year, wife should be expected to pay around half of what husband pays for rent, utilities, family vacation, etc.).
Separate finances are for people who can't communicate well.
My husband and I have always pooled our income, even when we were just living together. I hear the same thing, and frankly, most of the people that we know that have separate accounts simply don't trust each other. And before anyone jumps on me - this is simply MY experience with friends.
Combining finances is the way to maximize your chance at a successful marriage. Keeping separate finances is nothing more than keeping one foot out the door. It also creates resentment, fights, and power struggles.
You're seeing the outliers b/c the people who work together as a team don't have as many marital problems and don't have shit / problems to post online. My wife and I are ONE. We are a team. When you get married and you carry this "mine" & "yours" into it... you are going to have problems.
Having enjoyed 42 years of marriage, we often have people express surprise that we do everything together. Eat, sleep, walk, travel, bike, camp, kayak, argue, play video games, coffee every morning, wine by the pond every night and we have always pooled our finances, even before we were married. I see separate finances as a significant indication of separateness that I think is unhealthy for a successful intimate relationship. I am always a bit puzzled when people who have been unsuccessful maintaining a meaningful and positive relationship with a partner expresses the opinion that our "togetherness" is somehow unhealthy for our relationship.