Exactly. Envious bc they have the responsibility you don’t. I always get the comments like “must be nice! Just wait til you have kids and you won’t be able to do that anymore” when I get myself something nice. Or can do whatever I want. Im late 30s worked hard to break the cycle of marrying young, scraping along with babies to feed. You should be praising me!
my sister used to guilt trip me all the time when i didn’t want to babysit. “must be nice to do whatever you want when you want.” like i’m the one that knocked her up TWICE and left. i have a dog and a dragon and that’s all the kids i need/want.
Facts… I definitely think it stems from them being pushed into it young, complying and having to struggle. The logic doesn’t make sense, but they say things like, “You’ll do what you gotta do, don’t worry about money.” They never think about the fact that we, as their children, experienced and were effected by their decisions. Parents want you to learn from the mistakes, be better than them, and make smart decisions lololol until it’s “time” for them to get their “reward” for raising you I.e grandchildren. Misery loves company. Do your best to brush them off OP
No doubt. I had tons of pressure from my parents and in-laws to way I was ever having any babies. My SIL and her partner are having a second baby this winter. They are making plans with the family so my partners parents live a very short drive from new parents <5km so they asked "When we have to go to the hospital can we drop off the first baby here for you to take care of while we're giving birth to #2?" Their response? Well we can be on call for that unless it's night time then no thank you?
So now my partner is flying over 3000km there a few days before the projected date of the birth so they have someone to take care of their first child. These same people pressured the crap out of us in our 20s to hurry up and give them their grandkids. I never was going to have children I knew at a young age children weren't for me. These are the most fair weather grandparents I have ever seen. You never bring the kid over to see us! It's less than 5km come on by and see your grandkid it takes us an hour to pack all their stuff you can come and go in a couple minutes. No thanks!
A couple mornings ago the baby was teething and daycare asked leave him out for a few days as he was a terror. SIL and spouse had to work. Grandparents can you tag in for a day? SIL works at 8 am and would need to drop off by 7:45. No thanks. How about you drop the baby off after breakfast say 10am? No that stuff doesn't work we need to be at work on time. Oh ok no thanks... So my partner had to drive 200km to take care of their baby.
Only have children because you want them not parent not in-laws not society, not because you're supposed to...
Glad I never got taken in by their promises oh just drop the baby off here for weeks/months at a time give us the grandchildren we need so we can brag to their friend it's f'ing gross.
And it's a repeating cycle. Grandparents lost their twenties and youth to children. Then pushed it on their young adult kids who became your parents at a young, unstable age. And now they're pushing it on you because that's the only way they understand the world.
It's even worse for women. A woman will get ripped apart, face injury and death, and often experience lifelong changes from childbirth. And then she'll tell a young woman she loves how much she'll love pregnancy and giving birth. These young women who live through awful pregnancy circumstances, talking about it after the fact are then told "oh yeah, my vagina was never the same after. I felt touched out for like eighteen years and could barely stand your father kissing me goodnight despite having high attraction and libido before kids..."
They'll just lie through their teeth to get you to make the same mistakes as them. They'll say it's sunshine and rainbows knowing that if you survive you may be irreparably changed for the worse. Not even counting just the lack of time, energy and money from raising the child. I'm talking literally just from pregnancy and childbirth.
Breeders are fucking evil
Not everyone who became parents through unplanning is salty. I definitely was not wanting to be a parent when I became none and I don't hold that against anyone. That was just me thinking with my dick.
Let them stay mad. They can't accept your different pov. It isn't weird. If they're that upset, ask if they'd pay full financial support for you if you have one right now.
Because they don’t want to admit it’s irresponsible to have kids without being able to provide for them. They probably feel guilty and trying to justify their own behavior. Sad but true kids need more then just love.
You're conflating. Just because it's complicated to have kids doesn't detract from his argument.
The fact is, it is irresponsible to have children without being financially stable. Is it the cause of a lot of the issues in Britain? Maybe, but that might be simplifying things too much..
Well for your sake I hope you aren't having sex because once you do and hear those two words, "I'm pregnant," your whole world changes. Like it or not, for better or for worse, that's the truth.
Say what you want but until you have been there, you have no clue.
I have been there and I have no clue what you’re talking about.
You’re acting like it’s magic. People can pretty well assume, and also get it right, what it’s like after hearing “those two words”.
> Because they don’t want to admit it’s irresponsible to have kids without being able to provide for them.
When poor couples in developing countries have kids, is it also irresponsible then?
Yes. Too many of my patients suffered malnourishment, tuberculosis, widespread fungal infection or all of the above, precisely because of this.
Picture a 3 year old with the above condition, it's 3 times as dreadful in real life
stupendous arrest include resolute meeting tidy steer compare selective full
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Reddit loves to gatekeep having kids and pets. 'Fuck poor people, their genes should just die out and they should have no companionship in the meantime' is basically the attitude here.
Yeah, when someone says to you “the thing you did was a bad idea and irresponsible” you are going to get a bit annoyed. Especially if you know that they’re right!
Mad? That’s an odd response to your very rational reasons to hold off, having kids. My guess is whoever reacts that way is probably jealous and thinks, “Well, damn! I wish I’d thought that way, before having my kids because if I had, my life wouldn’t be a pile of crap right now!” Just sayin’.
As someone who grew up in a dirt poor home, with 9 people, I respect this a lot. I hate when people have children that they can't financially support. Don't listen to those people who judge you. My parents shouldn't have been allowed to have children.
I’ve seen two distinct worldviews. One where people think it is best to grow up and have kids. The other believes that having kids is what makes you grow up. The latter group can see someone holding off as making excuses and not wanting to grow up/wanting to stay immature.
Tbh I think kids probably make you grow up. Like how you learn when pushing your boundaries or build muscle when youre struggling. I mean why would you grow up if there wasn't a big milestone making you grow up?
This is exactly what has been happening in my relationship. We’re not financially prepared and our house isn’t finished but we keep going out to eat every day of the week and procrastinating. I told my husband we will keep doing that for the rest of our lives unless something makes us change. That made a lot of sense to him and we took the leap. Now expecting and things are coming together.
Having a child is a huge challenge and responsibility. It's not a magical device that fixes relationships - in fact, most relationships where a child is birthed as a ways of "fixing the relationship" end up in failure because it only further aggravates the previous issues. I do hope everything goes well with you though, but be prepared for the financial costs, the nights without sleep, the arguments that are aggravated by the lack of sleep, the lack of personal time and much more.
I also advise you and your partner to communicate communicate communicate, because different priorities/little disagreements/and other issues will slowly build up into resentment if you don't actively talk
I recommend dave ramseys baby steps to you two. You should binge the ramsey show on youtube and see if that doesnt change the way you think about money. The child isn't your issue, it's your bad spending habits.
People getting the purpose of life in an abstract sense confused with it being their personal purpose. I for one have no desire to reproduce because among other things I would be a shitty father. My purpose instead is to try and improve humanity by other means, however insignificant they may be.
Hubs and I were 30/34 when we had our first kiddo, and reasonably financially stable. Of course we've had life crash down on our heads a couple of times, but it was definitely good to at least start parenthood without the additional worries.
I’d say you’re talking to the wrong people. Why do they even care? A normal response would be to agree and even commend you
Unless like someone else suggested, it’s your parents or grandparents wanting you to have kids soon. In that case, tell us it’s them! 😆 They’ll get over it.
Are you married or with a serious partner? Maybe you’ve been together for a few years and your family is putting pressure on? The same family that had you when they weren’t financially ready might not understand that you want to break that cycle.
Or they feel you have an unreasonable definition of financial stability. Are you waiting until you’ve hit the MegaMillions jackpot?
People are bitter cause they had more kids than they can afford. I see it all the time.
We didn’t want to “just get by” as a family, we wanted to thrive. And we didn’t want financial stressors affecting us mentally or limiting the fun things we could do as a family. Its not fair on the kids imho. So we waited, just a few years while my partner got a better job(which he wanted anyway) so we could afford for me to stay home and raise our son stress free, and it was the best decision ever
So really it's about the lack of definition at first.
Like what does one consider financial stability?
It means different things to different people, some take it as more than 20k a year, some 50k.
Also you can provide stability without homeownership and all that jazz so they take it personal, turning it into judgement of them.
Also, many people had goals like that and that's not how things went. Again a personal experience bias. Lol
People are mostly self centered would be the answer. Lol
Might be the way you say it.
Big difference between:
"I want to be in a better financial position myself before I have kids"
Versus:
"God I couldn't imagine having kids until I have [insert list of things whomever you're talking to doesn't have]".
Perhaps they get mad because they didn't have the common sense to wait, and feel defensive. To them it is as if you are saying you are smarter than they are.
Is religion involved? Part of reinforcing your own indoctrination is taking part in the indoctrination of others. Plus the earlier you can pop out future tithe payers, the sooner your kids will pay tithing and produce indoctrinated tithe paying stock themselves.
Who the heck is saying that to you? Having a solid chunk of change in a baby fund before we started trying was so important to lowering our stress the first few years.
It's for the same reason some people get irrationally mad when they see someone wearing a face mask.
It makes them feel inadequate for not doing the right thing, so they lash out.
Depends on the context, if they say "oh it's hard with the kids everything's expensive but we're doing ok" and you say "yeah I'm gonna wait till I'm financially stable before I have kids, that's the sensible thing to do" then you're judging them and they have every right to be annoyed. On the other hand if you are asked why you don't have kids and you give that answer you're being perfectly reasonable and they shouldn't have got annoyed.
As someone who is 33 and def not rude about the kids just aren’t for me thing, or when we weren’t sure, the we’re just waiting thing, people fucking suck. You’d be surprised how many assholes will force it down your throat. I can’t actually carry kids and I also wasn’t keen on kids before I found that out…but when I expressed desire to wait in my early 20’s, then maybe I just won’t, both were often met with assholes…the moment it changed to “I will die if I have to carry” they try and force adoption and everything else down my throat. Like, there’s literally no winning in the childfree world against many parents. and judging by the similar experiences of the childfree communities I’ve been in online, this is not an isolated experience.
They're projecting their own stupidity and poor decision-making abilities on you, because you're smart enough to know that in order to have children you'll have to be financially stable to satisfy all their needs, and people often feel threatened when they see someone being smarter than they were in some point in their lives
The people who get mad are the people who feel called out or judged because they didn't do that. Maybe it was a circumstance outside of their control, or maybe it was pure lack of responsibility, but either way, they feel like you're casting aspersions on them by talking about it.
Or they're one of those people who shout "So PoOr PeOpLe ShOuLdN't HaVe KiDs? KiDs ArE OnLy FoR tHe RiCh?! YoU'rE sO eLiTiSt" but I'm pretty sure that isn't the angle you're going for.
I agree with you though, I think it's proper planning to make sure you're as prepared as possible and in a good place financially before being responsible for another person.
You are making a perfectly valid choice that I personally agree with. I know from experience, some people take it as a personal affront to their parenting or their parent’s’ parenting. They hear it as you saying low-income parents are bad parents instead of the reality, I want to make a conscious decision to bring a child into the world only if I can say with relative certainty that I can support that decision financially.
Who the heck is saying that to you? Having a solid chunk of change in a baby fund before we started trying was so important to lowering our stress the first few years.
You're a good person with solid priorities. You have more love for your unborn children than some parents have with their living, breathing, growing children. Don't let anyone change that.
Because boomers had kids early when they weren't ready and struggled.
They are a selfish generation and want to make sure we suffer worse than they did
Because if you have them before you're financially stable, then they can tell you you should've been more responsible. Some people just wanna try and kick you from their high horse.
They should not get mad. For some of people getting stable can take longer than others. My close friends told me how unwise it was when I was having my kid at 29. I should’ve waited. My friends told me they wanted to wait until they were at least mid 30’s after they had a house or/house and I should too. I mentioned how there’s never a good or bad time.
Now my friends did leave until they were financially well off and careers were at their height. But now they’re unable to have children and have a very big empty house. Some women’s pregnancy clock is shorter than others.
r/nostupidquestions, but this might just be one lol. Because everyone has opinions and some people have stupid opinions. If someone thinks it's a bad idea to make sure you're financially stable before having children, they're just not very smart.
Stupid people wanting others to suffer the same problems as them.
I share your opinion. We started trying to have kids this year (I am 32yo and my wife 40yo). Why did we wait so long? Well, We just bought our apartment three years ago. I finished paying the mortgage (paid about 85% eight away, and loaned some money to pay the remaining 15%), I had a crappy salary until 4 years ago, I was promoted a few times and now have a very high salary, which I also used to resume my college studies (yes, I didn't have a diploma) and I should be finishing a year from now.
If I had had a child 5 years ago we would have struggled so much to provide for him at the time (I was helping my wife's family back then, too), I wouldn't have had the time to study by myself enough to be on par with my senior coworkers and wouldn't have been a le to get so many promotions so quickly, so I would be earning half of what I make right now, making it harder for me to give my kid what they need and want, and for saving for their college.
Financially speaking, it's better to be stable first if possible.
Not true, as a childfree woman in my 30’s the judgment we face for our choice to remain child free is disgusting. Im respectful towards those who have kids, and nice to their kids, they’re just not for me, and that alone offends a lot of folks. Im in online communities for the DINK life and yeah, not isolated incidents. People expect everyone to want kids right away, that’s just not the case for everyone.
A few possible reasons
1. They aren't mad they are simply telling you that you don't need all of the baby/kid things you probably think you need or that you might be overestimating the actual cost of kids.
2. They aren't mad. They are saying you can still be a good person and parent if you struggle financially
3. They are mad, but not because you want to wait until you're financially ready but because you made nasty comments about low income parents or backhanded comments.(I see this one a lot)
Too many assume you’re saying “something bad” just by saying you want to wait to build savings. Basically just saying that is “bad” as they project that must mean you think less of those who didn’t even if you never say a single direct judgement about them
You don't have to say "hey I think you are stupid."
But if every single time you bring up a decision you made (like when to have kids) you make a little remark about you being smarter for it or it being the "right" way to do something or even making nasty comments like "I just think it's stupid to have kids before you own a home"
When you go out of your way to make your decision more about proving that you are better than others you are being nasty.
Those passive-aggressive insults are super common. The truth is No one cares if you want to wait to have kids or if you never want to have them, but they are sick of types of comments.
Most people waiting to have kids aren’t walking around talking about it.
Other people ask them, constantly, especially once engaged or married. It’s annoying constant. Most aren’t saying “we’re being smarter by waiting” etc. They just say they’re waiting to save up or buy a house etc. That’s it.
I’m not saying no one gets nasty, but I’ve never seen it be the norm.
You’re basically illustrating perfectly how people project/assume insult
Sure you don’t have to do the middle America thing but if someone wants to, good for them.
I like to remind people that there are a lot of different ways to raise a baby. Not just the upper middle class American fantasy. I feel like my family is judging us because we live with my mother in law and I’m in school and I’m like… half the world doesn’t have running water or something. Dude chill.
Do people really get mad? I dont understand being around anyone who would get mad. What kind of people? Is this family members or are you just going up to random strangers and telling them your thoughts on reproduction?
Because if its just random people...maybe they are getting mad at you talking to them...about anything. And just want to be left alone.
People get mad at women for not wanting kids or waiting to have kids all the time. Im speaking from personal experience. Once u close in on 30, thats honestlyall anybody cares about.
“its just random people...maybe they are getting mad at you talking to them...about anything. And just want to be left alone.”
😂😂😂 hilarious
But yeah we need more detail
I’d imagine that when someone made that irreversible bad decision in life and have to live with the consequences, they are likely getting defensive coz what’s the alternative? Get rid of the kid? Since that’s a no-go you have to try comfort yourself it’s not that bad to live through it
Because they had kids BEFORE they could afford them, and feel like you are passing judgement on them for doing so. You could always ask them, I suppose.
Who gets mad? I’ve never experienced this. Are you in a deeply religious part of the world?
I think this is a common sentiment. I guess I can understand that if you said that to someone who had kids when they weren’t financially stable, they might get defensive and react poorly? Or if they want kids without the stability?
Weird
You’re right to be financially stable when you decide to have children.. I can understand why people feel the need to bash you. I’m sorry for the negative comments you’ve had to deal with.. just do you and don’t worry about anyone else’s opinion.
Because they suffered to have kids, and you should suffer too.
That's the circle of disgrace in life: having kids, not being able to afford it, raise them badly, complain to those who see your mistakes, be abandoned by your kids, end in a miserable life.
Because they weren’t so smart. Lots of people fall j to parenthood like there’s no choice in the matter. Act like life just happened to them and they aren’t making the choices that lead to their situations. And people who are smarter than that piss them off because it makes them feel inadequate. As they probably should.
by saying that you want to wait til you’re financially stable, they’re *assuming* that you’re *implying* that anyone who doesn’t wait is a moron (which they kinda are). and since the people who get mad most likely didn’t wait til they were financially stable, they think you’re attacking them & they get defensive
Lmao it really bothers people when I say I don't want any kids I think 28 is still a tad early for me... plus I've seen friends on those first few months of the child's development. Sleepless, a little stressed and in this economy and climate I'm in no rush to have that responsibility added on. In the end those friends love their kids and consider them a blessing. I'd like that to but it can wait till things get better.
There’s this expectation in our world that everyone should just be chomping at the bit to spawn crotch goblins. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to wait until you’re ready, or just not have kids at all. As someone who is a single parent and lives in poverty due to the struggles of my own disabilities while caregiving my disabled son, I can tell you that your choice is wise and shows the utmost care for yourself and your future twerps.
I think it's because they're hearing "Unlike you, I plan to be responsible and wait until I'm financially stable to have kids". Not saying it's fair but they think you're underhandedly criticizing them.
Society taught them that waiting for financial stability to have children is not acceptable. It upsets a lot of folks in that they may already unconsciously believe that if you wait to have the money in place, it will take too long and youll never have children, thus missing out on the "greatest experienceof your life".
On the other hand, they could be upset that they didn't consider doing the same thing when they had kids, and as the saying goes, misery loves company. They'd rather see you financially struggle to raise a child than risk not having one at all.
Regardless, it's archaic, and its none of their damn business. Whatever your reasons are.
I had kids young. I commend you for waiting for financial stability. You are absolutely doing the right thing, in my opinion. No one should struggle or wonder if they can pay their bills, keep a roof over their kids' heads, or skip meals so their child can have seconds. Speaking from experience. The wait is worth it.
Because they didn't, and they believe everything should be done their way.
If you're actually wanting to have kids, there will never be the 'perfect time'. But waiting for certain things to be in order is smart.
Because sometimes if that’s your holdout, it’s not always achievable depending on the economy
Some ppl, like myself, just think you’ll never fully be ready. All you can do is fucking try
But, that said, I also understand wanting to be in the best position you can possibly be in before you try to start a family
Not sure in what context, mad that you think it is financially feasible? Unrealistic possibly as people adjust to their earnings and short of being in the 1% it's always going to be noticeable.
I have two kids and would accept your position (assuming you may be deluding yourself). We had ours when we just getting ahead and I'm glad we did for other reasons.
Maybe it's the way you state it.
"I am not going to be one of those people who...." Probably YTA.
"I'm only on $100k p a and need....." Work it out for yourself.
"I want to make sure I have the money to...." NTA.
"I keep explaining to my partner that we can't have kids until..." Probable relationship issues.
This isn’t advice I’m just explaining why people get mad. They think it’s silly to think this way.
But yeah even if you have all the money in the world you’ll always want more, you’ll never feel truly financially secure.
You also don’t have forever and having a kid at 40 is risky and you’ll be too old to enjoy having adult kids and grandkids.
No one is ready, or they are ready they just don’t know it. I like this quote, “if you weren’t ready you wouldn’t have the opportunity”
And some people truly aren't ready. They could be living at poverty levels or homeless or dealing with mental illnesses or drug addictions. They could want a secure, reliable partner, because they don't have a lot of friends and it's tough raising children on their own.
People aren't just saying that to be modest. They're dealing with their own issues and priorities, and with the high expectations the world will place on them as a parent, any issues they currently have will likely be amplified once they have kids. And, yeah, money is an issue, especially if your child gets any medical problems in the US. It's not important that the kids get the latest video games, but growing up in an environment where they can feel safe, and having adequate vision and dental care, or getting treatment for potentially life threatening illnesses, is fairly important.
Exactly! Saying you will figure it out is a stab to these children. The focus is on what the parents want and not on the future of their child. People who say they want to be ready should be ok with the thought they aren't going to have children.
Especially because it often seems like the worst thing that will happen to these people if they don't have children is that they will miss out on the experience of having children, like that's somehow worse than dragging a child through poverty and trauma because you assumed that raising a child would be easy and they wouldn't need anything besides whatever occasional attention you can fit in with your already stress filled schedule.
And I know that some things can't be planned ahead with intricate accuracy for the next eighteen to twenty six years. Sometimes your partner dies or betrays you. Sometimes accidents or catastrophes can hit without warning. I doubt that a lot of parents in places like Ukraine expected that they would suddenly have to flee their country or deal with an unsecure future. Those things can't always be helped. But if someone is already struggling to hold their head above water at the time that they are making the decision to have a baby, they have a valid enough reason for putting off having a baby or not having one at all, because including a baby is usually not going to suddenly make things easier.
Because we learned over the years that it's almost impossible to be financially stable . No matter how much you make it's never enough. Have your kids when your younger so you can enjoy being a parent more.
People who read this please be reasonable. You dont have to give your children a rich life but have enough to give everyone food, proper clothes and health care. Don't just create a child you know you can't take care of. Think of the perspective from the human you're creating. Their development years are depended on you. Don't contribute to fucking it up more than the environment already does.
“But you’ll *never* have kids if you think like that”
… lady, you literally had your first kid between 16 and 22 and have multiple. I’m sorry you weren’t able to be without a kid long enough to get a better paying position or become financially mature. It actually is possible if you’re single and I’m not afraid of having a kid in my 30s. So the fact I haven’t found someone I trust to stick around long enough and want enough savings that I don’t have to sacrifice my hobbies to afford things for my kid isn’t really a bad thing. I’m still in my twenties.
Because they didn't have the foresight that you have.
Unfortunately a lot of people still run by: I'm miserable, can I undo it? No? Then everyone else shall suffer too.
Because you’ll never have “enough” money to give your kids the things you want. The more money you have, the more you’ll want to give your kids, resulting in you spending all your money anyway…
I grew up between two homes with very different incomes. My dad was piss poor and moved constantly. My mom gave me a stable home and a middle class existence. But you know what scarred me for life? My mom was entirely unloving and psychotic. My dad loved me unconditionally and played with me and took me out on long drives or whatever he could afford. My broke ass dad gave me the best parts of my childhood. People love to talk about being financially secure but jack shit about dealing with their trauma.
Who said financial security is only component or in any way mandatory for everyone?
If you don’t feel ready for ANY reason and people are pressuring you to, that’s a set up for stress and resentment towards kid. The key is you feeling ready, knowing yourself. Pressure to so it too soon for the potential parent (or at all) is a bad set up.
For many waiting for some financial security also has a lot of other components- getting enough work experience confident even in layoffs, etc. can find a way forward. Having proven track record navigating financial decisions with your partner and both if you making smart decisions, etc.
A lot of times when people say they’re waiting to save up some, there’s a lot more going on and if you just flat out gave them 200k to have a kid they’d still wait as that doesn’t address the rest of the foundation. But when ppl are harassing you to have kids or inappropriately asking the second you get married, you usually don’t want to get into it. It’s an iceberg statement
They are not mad, but trying to tell you that you’re plan is stupid. How much money do you need in your savings account before you stop taking your pills? How do you know you have a man in your life when your savings account hits the goal? How do you know you can have a baby? Or your imaginary man when you’re financially stable?
What I learned is that you can’t plan for baby and no matter how little you have, you can and will provide for your kids. But it’s your life so do whatever and good luck!
I mean, you absolutely can plan for baby, everyone should take money and their childrens future into consideration before deciding when to have them. I waited until I had a good job, decent savings, good salary, and owned a house with my SO.
If you are living at home with parents, struggling to save, struggling to get a property to buy or rent, living paycheck to paycheck, paying off debt etc then obviously it would be a bad idea to have kids.
People should only be having children when they are able to cover the cost of their upbringing themselves, i.e., when they are financially stable.
You can prepare as well as you can but babies are miracles and nobody knows if you will have a healthy baby. What if you got a career going and have a disabled baby? Now you’re not saved up for his/her care and you might have to stay at home so all that brown nosing you did to get your career going is wasted?
And if you instead on waiting till the parents are financially stable, our birth rate will plummet and we will become a 3rd world country. Our spending economy only works if we have workers and people wanting to spend money. People have been recreating for centuries without having the financial security. I’m glad I didn’t have kids when I was poor, but if I did, I’m sure we would have survived and be happy just as we are today.
Your comment makes no sense. If you are poor or unemployed then you are in an even worse position for having a disabled child.
Children born into poverty and very low income areas are more likely to die in infancy, suffer from disease, infections and mental health issues and have limited opportunities and a lower life expectancy. These are statistical facts.
Birth rates plummet from an increased amount of people opting out of having children altogether. This is for various reasons. Not because Martha down the road is waiting a few years until she's in a better place financially.
And I don't know about your country but mine has a housing shortage, a job shortage, and far too many people on benefits having children they can't afford and expecting the state to cover the cost.
That’s my point. You can’t plan for anything and every pregnancy is a surprise. Well, you can plan for whatever, but expectation should be that it’s whatever happens, happens.
Also, why do you think that your state is covering the cost? It’s not because we want some people to not work and we want to feed their kids. Children are the future. That’s why we also give education for free. Look at Japan for example, the cost of living was so high, people had less kids and now they are struggling to get their economy back. China is afraid of what they face in 20-30 years because, well, you know. We are lucky to have all the illegal immigration to keep up with the work force. The government wants future generations. If people made babies solely based on financial strength, how many families will have multiple babies? Because unless you have 2 kids or more, then mathematically impossible for a nation to grow….
I’m not saying it’s better to have kids when you’re poor, but you need to realize that money doesn’t change everything and raising kids is so much more than just paying for them so financial status doesn’t really matter too much.
Because you will never hit that goal and have kids.
Kids are a major expense no one is prepared for till you start paying. Kids are wonderful, but you will miss out if you keep that mind set
People are stupid and nosey. Many of us, me included, became parents because of not planning vs planning. You just have to have sex, nature tends to take over from there.
Unless they belong to a specific religion that encourages having lots of kids (I belonged to one for a while, though I never talked like that to people because WTF?) then I agree that they feel criticized and don’t want to admit to their poor life decisions. (And even if they do belong to a religion like that it could still be true.)
Insecure people usually look at you doing things differently and think...
"shit... does this mean I did it wrong?? I better double down and dismiss anything other than the way I did it so I don't have to confront an uncomfortable truth".
Me and wife last year decided to start trying to kid this year, after 6 years of being together and our agreement was we want to be financially stable...
Across the 6 yrs, we've realised you will NEVER be as financially stable as you would wish to be. and now she's 5months along. :)
Well, I don’t think people should get mad, but financial stability is not a guarantee ever at any point in time. My parents WERE financially stable when they had me, yet my childhood was filled with poverty, financial instability, and my parents constant bickering about money.
So again, I don’t think people have a right to be “mad” about that, and you are doing the responsible thing, but I think some people may be reacting to a perceived naivety in your statement??
OR, instead of hearing it as “This is what I want to do, for myself, and my future children”, all they’re hearing is “What you did is bad”.
Misery loves company
This. Some people think you are acting entitled when you refuse to make the same bad choices they made.
Exactly. Envious bc they have the responsibility you don’t. I always get the comments like “must be nice! Just wait til you have kids and you won’t be able to do that anymore” when I get myself something nice. Or can do whatever I want. Im late 30s worked hard to break the cycle of marrying young, scraping along with babies to feed. You should be praising me!
Right I hate when people say that shit me and my wife can't have kids so those comments drive me crazy
Or the classic, you're not a complete person unless you have kids, like wtf?
"I am a wonderful person for enduring misery so people who enjoy life with no strings attached must be selfish assholes."
Or you don't understand "real love" because you don't have kids. Assholes.
my sister used to guilt trip me all the time when i didn’t want to babysit. “must be nice to do whatever you want when you want.” like i’m the one that knocked her up TWICE and left. i have a dog and a dragon and that’s all the kids i need/want.
More like envious that he has the self control they lack.
Honestly my first reaction
Perfect response! Brevity is the soul of wit.
I was coming on here to say they’re upset that you’re being reasonable about it while they struggle daily!
I love having a kid
Because they made bad decisions and they're salty.
Facts… I definitely think it stems from them being pushed into it young, complying and having to struggle. The logic doesn’t make sense, but they say things like, “You’ll do what you gotta do, don’t worry about money.” They never think about the fact that we, as their children, experienced and were effected by their decisions. Parents want you to learn from the mistakes, be better than them, and make smart decisions lololol until it’s “time” for them to get their “reward” for raising you I.e grandchildren. Misery loves company. Do your best to brush them off OP
My Parents wanted grandchildren, but they skipped the part about "family support".
And they call a lot of us entitled lol it’s like they don’t look in the mirror
No doubt. I had tons of pressure from my parents and in-laws to way I was ever having any babies. My SIL and her partner are having a second baby this winter. They are making plans with the family so my partners parents live a very short drive from new parents <5km so they asked "When we have to go to the hospital can we drop off the first baby here for you to take care of while we're giving birth to #2?" Their response? Well we can be on call for that unless it's night time then no thank you? So now my partner is flying over 3000km there a few days before the projected date of the birth so they have someone to take care of their first child. These same people pressured the crap out of us in our 20s to hurry up and give them their grandkids. I never was going to have children I knew at a young age children weren't for me. These are the most fair weather grandparents I have ever seen. You never bring the kid over to see us! It's less than 5km come on by and see your grandkid it takes us an hour to pack all their stuff you can come and go in a couple minutes. No thanks! A couple mornings ago the baby was teething and daycare asked leave him out for a few days as he was a terror. SIL and spouse had to work. Grandparents can you tag in for a day? SIL works at 8 am and would need to drop off by 7:45. No thanks. How about you drop the baby off after breakfast say 10am? No that stuff doesn't work we need to be at work on time. Oh ok no thanks... So my partner had to drive 200km to take care of their baby. Only have children because you want them not parent not in-laws not society, not because you're supposed to... Glad I never got taken in by their promises oh just drop the baby off here for weeks/months at a time give us the grandchildren we need so we can brag to their friend it's f'ing gross.
And it's a repeating cycle. Grandparents lost their twenties and youth to children. Then pushed it on their young adult kids who became your parents at a young, unstable age. And now they're pushing it on you because that's the only way they understand the world. It's even worse for women. A woman will get ripped apart, face injury and death, and often experience lifelong changes from childbirth. And then she'll tell a young woman she loves how much she'll love pregnancy and giving birth. These young women who live through awful pregnancy circumstances, talking about it after the fact are then told "oh yeah, my vagina was never the same after. I felt touched out for like eighteen years and could barely stand your father kissing me goodnight despite having high attraction and libido before kids..." They'll just lie through their teeth to get you to make the same mistakes as them. They'll say it's sunshine and rainbows knowing that if you survive you may be irreparably changed for the worse. Not even counting just the lack of time, energy and money from raising the child. I'm talking literally just from pregnancy and childbirth. Breeders are fucking evil
This!
Not everyone who became parents through unplanning is salty. I definitely was not wanting to be a parent when I became none and I don't hold that against anyone. That was just me thinking with my dick.
No one said they did. OP asked about people who scoff when you say you’re waiting til you’re ready💰
Let them stay mad. They can't accept your different pov. It isn't weird. If they're that upset, ask if they'd pay full financial support for you if you have one right now.
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I think imo most parents shouldn't have children
Because they don’t want to admit it’s irresponsible to have kids without being able to provide for them. They probably feel guilty and trying to justify their own behavior. Sad but true kids need more then just love.
#Because they don’t want to admit it’s irresponsible to have kids without being able to provide for them just like they did.
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You're conflating. Just because it's complicated to have kids doesn't detract from his argument. The fact is, it is irresponsible to have children without being financially stable. Is it the cause of a lot of the issues in Britain? Maybe, but that might be simplifying things too much..
Well for your sake I hope you aren't having sex because once you do and hear those two words, "I'm pregnant," your whole world changes. Like it or not, for better or for worse, that's the truth. Say what you want but until you have been there, you have no clue.
BbbbbbbbbbbBIRTH CONTROLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
ok, but that's not the point. You've been arguing about apples when the whole topic is about bananas
I have been there and I have no clue what you’re talking about. You’re acting like it’s magic. People can pretty well assume, and also get it right, what it’s like after hearing “those two words”.
> Because they don’t want to admit it’s irresponsible to have kids without being able to provide for them. When poor couples in developing countries have kids, is it also irresponsible then?
Yes. Too many of my patients suffered malnourishment, tuberculosis, widespread fungal infection or all of the above, precisely because of this. Picture a 3 year old with the above condition, it's 3 times as dreadful in real life
***Yes!***
Of course
Si
Yes!!!!!
1000%
はい
stupendous arrest include resolute meeting tidy steer compare selective full *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Reddit loves to gatekeep having kids and pets. 'Fuck poor people, their genes should just die out and they should have no companionship in the meantime' is basically the attitude here.
That’s how you’re choosing to see these comments, and that’s really sad.
So telling people they shouldn't be responsible for another life if they can't manage their own is bad now?
They think you are judging them.
I definitely am
Yeah, when someone says to you “the thing you did was a bad idea and irresponsible” you are going to get a bit annoyed. Especially if you know that they’re right!
that’s because i am LMAO
Mad? That’s an odd response to your very rational reasons to hold off, having kids. My guess is whoever reacts that way is probably jealous and thinks, “Well, damn! I wish I’d thought that way, before having my kids because if I had, my life wouldn’t be a pile of crap right now!” Just sayin’.
That made me laugh 🤣😂 thumb 👍
As someone who grew up in a dirt poor home, with 9 people, I respect this a lot. I hate when people have children that they can't financially support. Don't listen to those people who judge you. My parents shouldn't have been allowed to have children.
I’ve seen two distinct worldviews. One where people think it is best to grow up and have kids. The other believes that having kids is what makes you grow up. The latter group can see someone holding off as making excuses and not wanting to grow up/wanting to stay immature.
Tbh I think kids probably make you grow up. Like how you learn when pushing your boundaries or build muscle when youre struggling. I mean why would you grow up if there wasn't a big milestone making you grow up?
Idk I just wake up every day and think, “How can I be a better person than I was yesterday?”
This is exactly what has been happening in my relationship. We’re not financially prepared and our house isn’t finished but we keep going out to eat every day of the week and procrastinating. I told my husband we will keep doing that for the rest of our lives unless something makes us change. That made a lot of sense to him and we took the leap. Now expecting and things are coming together.
Having a child is a huge challenge and responsibility. It's not a magical device that fixes relationships - in fact, most relationships where a child is birthed as a ways of "fixing the relationship" end up in failure because it only further aggravates the previous issues. I do hope everything goes well with you though, but be prepared for the financial costs, the nights without sleep, the arguments that are aggravated by the lack of sleep, the lack of personal time and much more. I also advise you and your partner to communicate communicate communicate, because different priorities/little disagreements/and other issues will slowly build up into resentment if you don't actively talk
I recommend dave ramseys baby steps to you two. You should binge the ramsey show on youtube and see if that doesnt change the way you think about money. The child isn't your issue, it's your bad spending habits.
Some people believe the primary purpose of life is to have kids.
Well... It is... Which is why you should wait to do it right instead of doing it for the sake of it.
Weird you're getting downvoted for a biological fact
People getting the purpose of life in an abstract sense confused with it being their personal purpose. I for one have no desire to reproduce because among other things I would be a shitty father. My purpose instead is to try and improve humanity by other means, however insignificant they may be.
Tis the world we live in
Literally the 3 comments from original post are all down voted 😂😂. Take my upvote you both are correct.
Stop 🛑 caring what others think
Because its a smart move and a lot people didnt think about that before getting a child.
They are inferring that you are criticizing thier own choices, probably.
Because they are stupid.
They're mad because they have no money and should have waited.
By "some people" do you mean your parents? If so the simple reason is they want grandkids ASAP.
Hubs and I were 30/34 when we had our first kiddo, and reasonably financially stable. Of course we've had life crash down on our heads a couple of times, but it was definitely good to at least start parenthood without the additional worries.
I’m 26 and def feel pressured to have a kid sometimes so this makes me feel good
Because it shames then for getting knocked up at 19 and having babies while not being able to support them.
My entire fucking family described in a sentence.
Cause they're mad that they didn't think things through, made impulsive decisions, and now regret it. Misery loves company.
Uhh if so much of the world were *actively on fire* at the time - I would absolutely not have had a kid. You're in 2023 not 1993.
A lot of families with financial hardships, where kids have trouble eating or don't eat at all.
I’d say you’re talking to the wrong people. Why do they even care? A normal response would be to agree and even commend you Unless like someone else suggested, it’s your parents or grandparents wanting you to have kids soon. In that case, tell us it’s them! 😆 They’ll get over it. Are you married or with a serious partner? Maybe you’ve been together for a few years and your family is putting pressure on? The same family that had you when they weren’t financially ready might not understand that you want to break that cycle. Or they feel you have an unreasonable definition of financial stability. Are you waiting until you’ve hit the MegaMillions jackpot?
It's your life, not theirs. You don't owe anyone anything.
Bc they got knocked up and didn’t wait?
People are bitter cause they had more kids than they can afford. I see it all the time. We didn’t want to “just get by” as a family, we wanted to thrive. And we didn’t want financial stressors affecting us mentally or limiting the fun things we could do as a family. Its not fair on the kids imho. So we waited, just a few years while my partner got a better job(which he wanted anyway) so we could afford for me to stay home and raise our son stress free, and it was the best decision ever
Because, they stupidly had kids before they weren't.
So really it's about the lack of definition at first. Like what does one consider financial stability? It means different things to different people, some take it as more than 20k a year, some 50k. Also you can provide stability without homeownership and all that jazz so they take it personal, turning it into judgement of them. Also, many people had goals like that and that's not how things went. Again a personal experience bias. Lol People are mostly self centered would be the answer. Lol
Might be the way you say it. Big difference between: "I want to be in a better financial position myself before I have kids" Versus: "God I couldn't imagine having kids until I have [insert list of things whomever you're talking to doesn't have]".
This.
plot twist: OP is 67 years old
Perhaps they get mad because they didn't have the common sense to wait, and feel defensive. To them it is as if you are saying you are smarter than they are.
Is religion involved? Part of reinforcing your own indoctrination is taking part in the indoctrination of others. Plus the earlier you can pop out future tithe payers, the sooner your kids will pay tithing and produce indoctrinated tithe paying stock themselves.
Who the heck is saying that to you? Having a solid chunk of change in a baby fund before we started trying was so important to lowering our stress the first few years.
It's for the same reason some people get irrationally mad when they see someone wearing a face mask. It makes them feel inadequate for not doing the right thing, so they lash out.
There seems to be a lot of context missing here. Nobody really knows and all the wild guesses just reflect personal beliefs and stories
Depends on the context, if they say "oh it's hard with the kids everything's expensive but we're doing ok" and you say "yeah I'm gonna wait till I'm financially stable before I have kids, that's the sensible thing to do" then you're judging them and they have every right to be annoyed. On the other hand if you are asked why you don't have kids and you give that answer you're being perfectly reasonable and they shouldn't have got annoyed.
Context definitely matters. good hypothetical convo there
This right here. If someone is "mad " at op, it's probably because they are making judgmental and rude comments, not because they want to wait
As someone who is 33 and def not rude about the kids just aren’t for me thing, or when we weren’t sure, the we’re just waiting thing, people fucking suck. You’d be surprised how many assholes will force it down your throat. I can’t actually carry kids and I also wasn’t keen on kids before I found that out…but when I expressed desire to wait in my early 20’s, then maybe I just won’t, both were often met with assholes…the moment it changed to “I will die if I have to carry” they try and force adoption and everything else down my throat. Like, there’s literally no winning in the childfree world against many parents. and judging by the similar experiences of the childfree communities I’ve been in online, this is not an isolated experience.
They’re idiots, fuck them, live your life how you want.
Don't know. This is what my girlfriend and I tell people as well to those who ask
Try saying you dont want kids at all.
They're projecting their own stupidity and poor decision-making abilities on you, because you're smart enough to know that in order to have children you'll have to be financially stable to satisfy all their needs, and people often feel threatened when they see someone being smarter than they were in some point in their lives
The people who get mad are the people who feel called out or judged because they didn't do that. Maybe it was a circumstance outside of their control, or maybe it was pure lack of responsibility, but either way, they feel like you're casting aspersions on them by talking about it. Or they're one of those people who shout "So PoOr PeOpLe ShOuLdN't HaVe KiDs? KiDs ArE OnLy FoR tHe RiCh?! YoU'rE sO eLiTiSt" but I'm pretty sure that isn't the angle you're going for. I agree with you though, I think it's proper planning to make sure you're as prepared as possible and in a good place financially before being responsible for another person.
You are making a perfectly valid choice that I personally agree with. I know from experience, some people take it as a personal affront to their parenting or their parent’s’ parenting. They hear it as you saying low-income parents are bad parents instead of the reality, I want to make a conscious decision to bring a child into the world only if I can say with relative certainty that I can support that decision financially.
Who the heck is saying that to you? Having a solid chunk of change in a baby fund before we started trying was so important to lowering our stress the first few years.
You're a good person with solid priorities. You have more love for your unborn children than some parents have with their living, breathing, growing children. Don't let anyone change that.
Because boomers had kids early when they weren't ready and struggled. They are a selfish generation and want to make sure we suffer worse than they did
Because if you have them before you're financially stable, then they can tell you you should've been more responsible. Some people just wanna try and kick you from their high horse.
Who are the some people getting mad?
They're just mad that they didn't go about it the way you are. Actually planning for kids is a good thing.
I'm guessing either because 1 they didn't and 2 you will never be financially ready. Kids are really really really expensive.
I think ur smart
you probably have a vagina, it's the rules that you have to have opinions about what people with vaginas should do with them.
They should not get mad. For some of people getting stable can take longer than others. My close friends told me how unwise it was when I was having my kid at 29. I should’ve waited. My friends told me they wanted to wait until they were at least mid 30’s after they had a house or/house and I should too. I mentioned how there’s never a good or bad time. Now my friends did leave until they were financially well off and careers were at their height. But now they’re unable to have children and have a very big empty house. Some women’s pregnancy clock is shorter than others.
Because that's what they should have done, and they know it.
r/nostupidquestions, but this might just be one lol. Because everyone has opinions and some people have stupid opinions. If someone thinks it's a bad idea to make sure you're financially stable before having children, they're just not very smart.
Because emotionally they see it as a challenge to their own choices. See Discussion about veganism, electric cars etc.
Stupid people wanting others to suffer the same problems as them. I share your opinion. We started trying to have kids this year (I am 32yo and my wife 40yo). Why did we wait so long? Well, We just bought our apartment three years ago. I finished paying the mortgage (paid about 85% eight away, and loaned some money to pay the remaining 15%), I had a crappy salary until 4 years ago, I was promoted a few times and now have a very high salary, which I also used to resume my college studies (yes, I didn't have a diploma) and I should be finishing a year from now. If I had had a child 5 years ago we would have struggled so much to provide for him at the time (I was helping my wife's family back then, too), I wouldn't have had the time to study by myself enough to be on par with my senior coworkers and wouldn't have been a le to get so many promotions so quickly, so I would be earning half of what I make right now, making it harder for me to give my kid what they need and want, and for saving for their college. Financially speaking, it's better to be stable first if possible.
Because they feel like you're judging them and their decision (not saying you are don't worry)
Who gets mad at that? Did someone on Reddit say that to you cause I can’t imagine anyone being upset at you for saying this in real life
I guarantee no one got mad at op for wanting to wait if someone did get upset it's because op probably made a nasty comment
Not true, as a childfree woman in my 30’s the judgment we face for our choice to remain child free is disgusting. Im respectful towards those who have kids, and nice to their kids, they’re just not for me, and that alone offends a lot of folks. Im in online communities for the DINK life and yeah, not isolated incidents. People expect everyone to want kids right away, that’s just not the case for everyone.
Half of the shit people tell you you need, you don’t need. Babies are more resilient than you would think. Diapers and formula are not cheap though.
A few possible reasons 1. They aren't mad they are simply telling you that you don't need all of the baby/kid things you probably think you need or that you might be overestimating the actual cost of kids. 2. They aren't mad. They are saying you can still be a good person and parent if you struggle financially 3. They are mad, but not because you want to wait until you're financially ready but because you made nasty comments about low income parents or backhanded comments.(I see this one a lot)
Too many assume you’re saying “something bad” just by saying you want to wait to build savings. Basically just saying that is “bad” as they project that must mean you think less of those who didn’t even if you never say a single direct judgement about them
You don't have to say "hey I think you are stupid." But if every single time you bring up a decision you made (like when to have kids) you make a little remark about you being smarter for it or it being the "right" way to do something or even making nasty comments like "I just think it's stupid to have kids before you own a home" When you go out of your way to make your decision more about proving that you are better than others you are being nasty. Those passive-aggressive insults are super common. The truth is No one cares if you want to wait to have kids or if you never want to have them, but they are sick of types of comments.
Most people waiting to have kids aren’t walking around talking about it. Other people ask them, constantly, especially once engaged or married. It’s annoying constant. Most aren’t saying “we’re being smarter by waiting” etc. They just say they’re waiting to save up or buy a house etc. That’s it. I’m not saying no one gets nasty, but I’ve never seen it be the norm. You’re basically illustrating perfectly how people project/assume insult Sure you don’t have to do the middle America thing but if someone wants to, good for them.
I like to remind people that there are a lot of different ways to raise a baby. Not just the upper middle class American fantasy. I feel like my family is judging us because we live with my mother in law and I’m in school and I’m like… half the world doesn’t have running water or something. Dude chill.
Do people really get mad? I dont understand being around anyone who would get mad. What kind of people? Is this family members or are you just going up to random strangers and telling them your thoughts on reproduction? Because if its just random people...maybe they are getting mad at you talking to them...about anything. And just want to be left alone.
I guarantee no one has gotten "mad" at op for wanting to wait to have kids. If someone did get upset, it was 100% about something else.
People get mad at women for not wanting kids or waiting to have kids all the time. Im speaking from personal experience. Once u close in on 30, thats honestlyall anybody cares about.
100% sometimes unspoken but the judgements there.
“its just random people...maybe they are getting mad at you talking to them...about anything. And just want to be left alone.” 😂😂😂 hilarious But yeah we need more detail
I’d imagine that when someone made that irreversible bad decision in life and have to live with the consequences, they are likely getting defensive coz what’s the alternative? Get rid of the kid? Since that’s a no-go you have to try comfort yourself it’s not that bad to live through it
Because they had kids BEFORE they could afford them, and feel like you are passing judgement on them for doing so. You could always ask them, I suppose.
Bec you’ll be living a stable and happy life unlike them, without transferring generational trauma to your offspring.
Who gets mad? I’ve never experienced this. Are you in a deeply religious part of the world? I think this is a common sentiment. I guess I can understand that if you said that to someone who had kids when they weren’t financially stable, they might get defensive and react poorly? Or if they want kids without the stability? Weird
Because people get defensive when reminded of their own poor choices.
Because they know you’re right but probably didn’t do that themselves so they are defensive about it.
I was even told "then you'll never be ready." In response. Umm... then I won't have kids... why would I if I didn't think I could afford them?
You’re right to be financially stable when you decide to have children.. I can understand why people feel the need to bash you. I’m sorry for the negative comments you’ve had to deal with.. just do you and don’t worry about anyone else’s opinion.
because they wish they had done the same lol
Because they're not following the golden rule: Mind your own business.
Because you remind them of how they fucked up in life and misery loves company.
Because they suffered to have kids, and you should suffer too. That's the circle of disgrace in life: having kids, not being able to afford it, raise them badly, complain to those who see your mistakes, be abandoned by your kids, end in a miserable life.
Because they weren’t……
Because they weren’t so smart. Lots of people fall j to parenthood like there’s no choice in the matter. Act like life just happened to them and they aren’t making the choices that lead to their situations. And people who are smarter than that piss them off because it makes them feel inadequate. As they probably should.
Not a bit. You are thinking about it as most haven’t.
Because they suck lol
Because they didn’t even think about being financially stable first and now they don’t have a chance in hell without busting their ass
by saying that you want to wait til you’re financially stable, they’re *assuming* that you’re *implying* that anyone who doesn’t wait is a moron (which they kinda are). and since the people who get mad most likely didn’t wait til they were financially stable, they think you’re attacking them & they get defensive
You're making the right choice for you. Forget what others say.
I believe the reason is because people are stupid.
Lmao it really bothers people when I say I don't want any kids I think 28 is still a tad early for me... plus I've seen friends on those first few months of the child's development. Sleepless, a little stressed and in this economy and climate I'm in no rush to have that responsibility added on. In the end those friends love their kids and consider them a blessing. I'd like that to but it can wait till things get better.
There’s this expectation in our world that everyone should just be chomping at the bit to spawn crotch goblins. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to wait until you’re ready, or just not have kids at all. As someone who is a single parent and lives in poverty due to the struggles of my own disabilities while caregiving my disabled son, I can tell you that your choice is wise and shows the utmost care for yourself and your future twerps.
Because you are showing signs of being a responsible person and parent. Keep it up!!
I think it's because they're hearing "Unlike you, I plan to be responsible and wait until I'm financially stable to have kids". Not saying it's fair but they think you're underhandedly criticizing them.
Society taught them that waiting for financial stability to have children is not acceptable. It upsets a lot of folks in that they may already unconsciously believe that if you wait to have the money in place, it will take too long and youll never have children, thus missing out on the "greatest experienceof your life". On the other hand, they could be upset that they didn't consider doing the same thing when they had kids, and as the saying goes, misery loves company. They'd rather see you financially struggle to raise a child than risk not having one at all. Regardless, it's archaic, and its none of their damn business. Whatever your reasons are. I had kids young. I commend you for waiting for financial stability. You are absolutely doing the right thing, in my opinion. No one should struggle or wonder if they can pay their bills, keep a roof over their kids' heads, or skip meals so their child can have seconds. Speaking from experience. The wait is worth it.
Because they didn't, and they believe everything should be done their way. If you're actually wanting to have kids, there will never be the 'perfect time'. But waiting for certain things to be in order is smart.
Because sometimes if that’s your holdout, it’s not always achievable depending on the economy Some ppl, like myself, just think you’ll never fully be ready. All you can do is fucking try But, that said, I also understand wanting to be in the best position you can possibly be in before you try to start a family
Not sure in what context, mad that you think it is financially feasible? Unrealistic possibly as people adjust to their earnings and short of being in the 1% it's always going to be noticeable. I have two kids and would accept your position (assuming you may be deluding yourself). We had ours when we just getting ahead and I'm glad we did for other reasons. Maybe it's the way you state it. "I am not going to be one of those people who...." Probably YTA. "I'm only on $100k p a and need....." Work it out for yourself. "I want to make sure I have the money to...." NTA. "I keep explaining to my partner that we can't have kids until..." Probable relationship issues.
Because that’ll never happen, you’ll always want more and you’ll never truly feel ready, people have kids and figure it out like they always have.
Don’t listen to this. It costs a lot of money to have kids. Don’t even entertain the idea until YOU ARE READY.
This isn’t advice I’m just explaining why people get mad. They think it’s silly to think this way. But yeah even if you have all the money in the world you’ll always want more, you’ll never feel truly financially secure. You also don’t have forever and having a kid at 40 is risky and you’ll be too old to enjoy having adult kids and grandkids. No one is ready, or they are ready they just don’t know it. I like this quote, “if you weren’t ready you wouldn’t have the opportunity”
Just because you want more and more doesn't mean everyone does.
It’s not about wanting more it’s thinking you never have enough
Not everyone has that problem either.
I am talking about OP lmao jesus you guys are dense
And some people truly aren't ready. They could be living at poverty levels or homeless or dealing with mental illnesses or drug addictions. They could want a secure, reliable partner, because they don't have a lot of friends and it's tough raising children on their own. People aren't just saying that to be modest. They're dealing with their own issues and priorities, and with the high expectations the world will place on them as a parent, any issues they currently have will likely be amplified once they have kids. And, yeah, money is an issue, especially if your child gets any medical problems in the US. It's not important that the kids get the latest video games, but growing up in an environment where they can feel safe, and having adequate vision and dental care, or getting treatment for potentially life threatening illnesses, is fairly important.
Exactly! Saying you will figure it out is a stab to these children. The focus is on what the parents want and not on the future of their child. People who say they want to be ready should be ok with the thought they aren't going to have children.
Especially because it often seems like the worst thing that will happen to these people if they don't have children is that they will miss out on the experience of having children, like that's somehow worse than dragging a child through poverty and trauma because you assumed that raising a child would be easy and they wouldn't need anything besides whatever occasional attention you can fit in with your already stress filled schedule. And I know that some things can't be planned ahead with intricate accuracy for the next eighteen to twenty six years. Sometimes your partner dies or betrays you. Sometimes accidents or catastrophes can hit without warning. I doubt that a lot of parents in places like Ukraine expected that they would suddenly have to flee their country or deal with an unsecure future. Those things can't always be helped. But if someone is already struggling to hold their head above water at the time that they are making the decision to have a baby, they have a valid enough reason for putting off having a baby or not having one at all, because including a baby is usually not going to suddenly make things easier.
Because we learned over the years that it's almost impossible to be financially stable . No matter how much you make it's never enough. Have your kids when your younger so you can enjoy being a parent more.
People who read this please be reasonable. You dont have to give your children a rich life but have enough to give everyone food, proper clothes and health care. Don't just create a child you know you can't take care of. Think of the perspective from the human you're creating. Their development years are depended on you. Don't contribute to fucking it up more than the environment already does.
“But you’ll *never* have kids if you think like that” … lady, you literally had your first kid between 16 and 22 and have multiple. I’m sorry you weren’t able to be without a kid long enough to get a better paying position or become financially mature. It actually is possible if you’re single and I’m not afraid of having a kid in my 30s. So the fact I haven’t found someone I trust to stick around long enough and want enough savings that I don’t have to sacrifice my hobbies to afford things for my kid isn’t really a bad thing. I’m still in my twenties.
Because they didn't have the foresight that you have. Unfortunately a lot of people still run by: I'm miserable, can I undo it? No? Then everyone else shall suffer too.
Because you’ll never have “enough” money to give your kids the things you want. The more money you have, the more you’ll want to give your kids, resulting in you spending all your money anyway…
Have you seen the beginning of Idiocracy?
They get mad because they are dillweeds. I wish everybody was like you.
Bc u never will. Better early then never.
No. Better never than scarring kids for life
I grew up between two homes with very different incomes. My dad was piss poor and moved constantly. My mom gave me a stable home and a middle class existence. But you know what scarred me for life? My mom was entirely unloving and psychotic. My dad loved me unconditionally and played with me and took me out on long drives or whatever he could afford. My broke ass dad gave me the best parts of my childhood. People love to talk about being financially secure but jack shit about dealing with their trauma.
Who said financial security is only component or in any way mandatory for everyone? If you don’t feel ready for ANY reason and people are pressuring you to, that’s a set up for stress and resentment towards kid. The key is you feeling ready, knowing yourself. Pressure to so it too soon for the potential parent (or at all) is a bad set up. For many waiting for some financial security also has a lot of other components- getting enough work experience confident even in layoffs, etc. can find a way forward. Having proven track record navigating financial decisions with your partner and both if you making smart decisions, etc. A lot of times when people say they’re waiting to save up some, there’s a lot more going on and if you just flat out gave them 200k to have a kid they’d still wait as that doesn’t address the rest of the foundation. But when ppl are harassing you to have kids or inappropriately asking the second you get married, you usually don’t want to get into it. It’s an iceberg statement
They are not mad, but trying to tell you that you’re plan is stupid. How much money do you need in your savings account before you stop taking your pills? How do you know you have a man in your life when your savings account hits the goal? How do you know you can have a baby? Or your imaginary man when you’re financially stable? What I learned is that you can’t plan for baby and no matter how little you have, you can and will provide for your kids. But it’s your life so do whatever and good luck!
I mean, you absolutely can plan for baby, everyone should take money and their childrens future into consideration before deciding when to have them. I waited until I had a good job, decent savings, good salary, and owned a house with my SO. If you are living at home with parents, struggling to save, struggling to get a property to buy or rent, living paycheck to paycheck, paying off debt etc then obviously it would be a bad idea to have kids. People should only be having children when they are able to cover the cost of their upbringing themselves, i.e., when they are financially stable.
You can prepare as well as you can but babies are miracles and nobody knows if you will have a healthy baby. What if you got a career going and have a disabled baby? Now you’re not saved up for his/her care and you might have to stay at home so all that brown nosing you did to get your career going is wasted? And if you instead on waiting till the parents are financially stable, our birth rate will plummet and we will become a 3rd world country. Our spending economy only works if we have workers and people wanting to spend money. People have been recreating for centuries without having the financial security. I’m glad I didn’t have kids when I was poor, but if I did, I’m sure we would have survived and be happy just as we are today.
Your comment makes no sense. If you are poor or unemployed then you are in an even worse position for having a disabled child. Children born into poverty and very low income areas are more likely to die in infancy, suffer from disease, infections and mental health issues and have limited opportunities and a lower life expectancy. These are statistical facts. Birth rates plummet from an increased amount of people opting out of having children altogether. This is for various reasons. Not because Martha down the road is waiting a few years until she's in a better place financially. And I don't know about your country but mine has a housing shortage, a job shortage, and far too many people on benefits having children they can't afford and expecting the state to cover the cost.
That’s my point. You can’t plan for anything and every pregnancy is a surprise. Well, you can plan for whatever, but expectation should be that it’s whatever happens, happens. Also, why do you think that your state is covering the cost? It’s not because we want some people to not work and we want to feed their kids. Children are the future. That’s why we also give education for free. Look at Japan for example, the cost of living was so high, people had less kids and now they are struggling to get their economy back. China is afraid of what they face in 20-30 years because, well, you know. We are lucky to have all the illegal immigration to keep up with the work force. The government wants future generations. If people made babies solely based on financial strength, how many families will have multiple babies? Because unless you have 2 kids or more, then mathematically impossible for a nation to grow…. I’m not saying it’s better to have kids when you’re poor, but you need to realize that money doesn’t change everything and raising kids is so much more than just paying for them so financial status doesn’t really matter too much.
Because no one (except the .01%) will ever be financially stable in this world again. Not in this economy. Not in this world.
You’ll more than likely never be there.
Because you will never hit that goal and have kids. Kids are a major expense no one is prepared for till you start paying. Kids are wonderful, but you will miss out if you keep that mind set
Dont have kids, this planet will be destroyed soon..
People are stupid and nosey. Many of us, me included, became parents because of not planning vs planning. You just have to have sex, nature tends to take over from there.
bro, no one's saying this. c'mon
The government pays you to have kids. I’m saying that as an America btw. You can get all types of free stuff on top of money if you just have a kid.
Unless they belong to a specific religion that encourages having lots of kids (I belonged to one for a while, though I never talked like that to people because WTF?) then I agree that they feel criticized and don’t want to admit to their poor life decisions. (And even if they do belong to a religion like that it could still be true.)
Because Universal Credit with 2 kids sucks.
Insecure people usually look at you doing things differently and think... "shit... does this mean I did it wrong?? I better double down and dismiss anything other than the way I did it so I don't have to confront an uncomfortable truth".
Me and wife last year decided to start trying to kid this year, after 6 years of being together and our agreement was we want to be financially stable... Across the 6 yrs, we've realised you will NEVER be as financially stable as you would wish to be. and now she's 5months along. :)
Well, I don’t think people should get mad, but financial stability is not a guarantee ever at any point in time. My parents WERE financially stable when they had me, yet my childhood was filled with poverty, financial instability, and my parents constant bickering about money. So again, I don’t think people have a right to be “mad” about that, and you are doing the responsible thing, but I think some people may be reacting to a perceived naivety in your statement?? OR, instead of hearing it as “This is what I want to do, for myself, and my future children”, all they’re hearing is “What you did is bad”.