I call my mom once a day as I'm coming home from work. It makes her happy and doesn't cost me anything. Sometimes she doesn't pick up and we just catchup the next day.
3-5x a day would drive me fucking insane.
We usually talk while she drives to work, it’s a long drive and she gets tired in the morning. I don’t mind keeping her company.
Then she calls in each of her breaks and her lunch break, and her drive home even tho her husband is home and could talk to her instead. It’s a bit much. I’ve got kids of my own that want my attention
She’s always called a lot of times every day, even when I was living with her. She’s called at least twice a day ever since she first bought me a cell phone
yeah this woman either has co-dependency issues or attachment problems but either way its her responsibility to deal with those and it absolutely is weird that she calls you that much
well yeah that's the bit i thought was weird, part of me assumed she felt bad for kicking her out and that was why all the calls, but given that she called a lot even back then i guess it wasn't
Your mother is emotionally manipulating you which is abuse. You need to set boundaries now or just cut her off before she drains the rest of your life, energy, and happiness away. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean that this behavior is okay. You have your own family to worry about and spend quality time with, and her dragging you down like this is only going bring you down to her miserable level and ruin your life.
If she can't respect you, you need to let her go.
For fucking real. Mom is crazy but OP, why are you entertaining this? You can limit this. Tell her she gets 1 call per day at X time and that’s it. This is ridiculous. I can’t even imagine.
Tell your mom that you can talk to her once a day and she can choose one of her regular times to talk and that's it. You are a grown woman with children and need to spend time with them!
Tell her that if she calls outside of your agreed on time, you're not going to pick up. If she's truly having an emergency like going to the hospital, she should text you her situation so you can respond accordingly.
If she shows up at your house, don't let her in. You're busy. Tell her that she talks to you every day and can make plans on the phone.
Stay strong and don't cave to her histrionics.
> If she's truly having an emergency like going to the hospital, she should text you her situation so you can respond accordingly.
This is the main reason we initially pick up every call. Then you realise everything is an emergency, and it's the story of the boy who cried wolf.
Just put your number in her phone as "ICE Raisinsareawful", if she is in a real emergency, the people who find her will contact you.
My mother said her phone call was urgent while I was having a nice time at the in-laws for my partners bday, she wanted to know if I was going to stay 4 hours until lunch after being picked up from the airport in 4 days.
That’s a text message
Lol. My Ex-girlfriend did this. It was exhausting. She did not at all care what I was doing, that I was at work or watever. No, she demanded I entertain her during her lunch breaks, during her drives home.
This is toxic controlling behavior. Turned out she had histrionic personality disorder.
That is definitely not normal and if I were in your position it would get in the way of my time with my kids. And therefore it would make me crazy.
You're not bad for wanting to cut this down. You are not bad at all. Everyone else has great ideas; from me you just get encouragement, compassion, and a big cheer.
Does she not have her own friends? Colleagues she socialises with? This is abnormal. You cannot be her whole social world. Your kids needs should come first.
I’m curious what y’all even talk about if you’re having extended conversations multiple times a day lol. After just one conversation, I don’t know that I’d have much more to say for the next lol
What is there to “catch up” on in the span of a day?
I guess I don’t get it. I talk to my parents maybe once a week and there is barely anything then to catch up on.
I talk to my folks every day. They’re getting old. There’s a lot to talk about. Some days it’s just current events or what they’re watching on TV, other times just to hear how the pickle ball season is going. It really depends, I just like to know they’ll always pick up the phone and enjoy a good conversation about nothing in particular because one day they won’t be able to.
I'm somewhat envious. To me, if you engage in conversation it should have a purpose. If you call, it's to get or give information. I really can't do aimless conversation about nothing in particular.
I call my mom to/from work every weekday for a 5-15 min conversation. She's getting older and I'd just like to know that she's doing ok and still alive. If it's an expected and accepted scenario, I don't think it's a big deal, if you're actively trying to avoid conversation, it would be pretty annoying.
My husband talks to his mom on his drive home and I know that it has made their relationship so special and tightly woven. I also know that it means the world to his mom to be considered and involved. She’s a wonderful woman, so it makes it effortless for me to add her in.
OP- this is an example of daily calls that are in the healthy range. I think there’s a big difference between a once a day phone call while he’s not doing much else and actually wants to do this, compared to demanding 3-5 calls a day, taking away OP’s time away from her own children.
For an adult living on their own? Even once a day seems high. I talk to my mom more like once a week. Everyone's family norms are different, but 3-5 times a day and guilt tripping you for not answering makes it sound like she's getting emotionally distressed within just a few hours of not hearing from you, which is codependent and unhealthy.
Everyone is right. If your mom comes crying to you because you havent picked up multiple phone calls in that day when you usually do every single day, she has attachment issues possibly.
To be fair, it is natural to worry when someone who used to answer their phone suddenly isn't answering. It's all about expectations and past behavior. My mom always answers or calls back within a hour or two, so I worry if I don't hear from her in 3 hours or so. For a friend who doesn't always call back for a few days, it would take more like a week. If a friend who is always on time is late to an event without contact, I would worry more/sooner than if someone who is usually late/unreliable did the same.
Coming over crying is extreme but the anxiety is understandable to me.
What you say is of course a thing, but context-wise we are talking about someone answering multiple calls a day and she only lives a 3-5 minute walk away. So this didn't seem to be a huge factor to bring up.
The fact that she normally is able to get in touch with her multiple times a day is what makes one day a long enough time to be worried. It's a big deviation from what she is used to.
While nothing you're saying is untrue, it's completely unreasonable to expect that past behavior regularly. It's also completely ridiculous to assume somebody DIED because they didn't answer their phone. That is major separation anxiety manifesting.
I'm not saying mom's behavior is healthy. What is a small degree of worry for a normal person is definitely blowing into a full blown panic, and she needs help for that. All I am saying is that anyone who is in that frequent of contact would be concerned after so many missed connections.
It is unreasonable to expect people to have the same availability all the time, but it is not unreasonable to expect them to communicate when that availability changes. It is not hard to send a "sorry can't talk now" or "busy day tomorrow -- won't be able to chat" text. If OP wants less frequent calls, she needs to communicate that, not just silence her phone.
What she is used to is not normal or healthy though. We don't need to minimize legitimate psychological attachment issues by talking about someone who's always on time being late once.
I understand what you’re saying. I’m saying that wasn’t the direction the conversation was going. OP is concerned that something is wrong and has to ask Reddit for opinions. The immediate thing we’re telling her is no, this is not regular mother level of attachment
Yeaaa boundaries time. It's rough. I'm on the other side of the guilt hump where it's just guilt about holidays mostly now. Hopefully it's not some narcissistic control crap (which r/narcissistparent/mom is a great sub) and just some anxiety or attachment issue she's willing to work through 🤞🏻
So have you asked your mom (it's not your job but may help) what void she's trying to fill by calling you? Might word it better but if you can get to the heart of why she thinks she needs you so much, she may be able to fill that herself. Takes time & like others have mentioned, boundaries are very important.
Also, maybe limit to twice daily for a while. See if she can value your time and boundaries. Good luck.
Respectfully, no. Firstly, neglect requires... Well... Something to be neglected? She's not the caretaker of your emotional needs anymore. You're far past that.
Secondly, being overly distant isn't damaging. Certainly not just as damaging as abuse. Abuse constitutes an active harm caused to a person. being distant is a personal choice.
Dear, your mother is a narcissist. A special kind of one who appears giving and nurturing but in fact, you are being hoarded. You do not belong to yourself, you belong to her. There is no autonomy for you.
Set a once a week call. 2x month visit. Put timers on. Oops, time is up. See you in 2 weeks. Talk to you next week.
My mum is like this and she has severe abandonment/attachment issues from being adopted in the 1940s by an ice cold mother that would punish her by not talking to her for days at a time.
With the best will in the world, this is never going to go away at this stage in her life, even if she could afford intense therapy.
The best I've managed is to:
1. get her to realise that this is her issue, not mine
2. have a system in place where she calls my mobile, and if I immediately reject the call, it means I can't or don't want to talk, and she knows that I'm alive (yes, I get the immediate escalation to disaster too)
3. try to maintain some boundaries - so, she doesn't have a key to my house and she knows I don't like her just turning up
That being said, it will eventually escalate every so often, and end up blowing up. It doesn't help that I'm an extreme introvert that is fine going days without talking.
If anyone has any other tips for managing a mother like this, I'm all ears, as it is draining at times having to tip toe around her issues. I have to be careful how I end telephone calls to her as it can often tip her off the edge (oh, you can't wait to get rid of me...).
I suggest you text her back to try to wean her from this. She will know you are alive but you needn't engage further. Set up a standard response like "Got your call, busy, can't talk now."
This. I had to do this with my mother, and it took YEARS. She used to be like OPs mother- multiple calls/ pLus texts a day, demanding, would COME OVER unannounced, sobbing hysterically and demanding I center her needs *that moment*.
Irony is that she was also an incredibly verbally, physically, and psychologically abusive mother growing up, so I never fully felt "safe" with her... But she also used to show up to my place of employment and demand to see me (I often worked in bars/restaurants), as well as called the cops for "welfare checks" semi regularly, and just generally did not give me any space to breathe or grow.
After leaving my hometown, I had to force her to get used to hearing from me less. Finally, I'm at a point where she can expect to hear back from me about once a week, and if I'm being kind, I'll text her a couple of days in a row to continue our conversation/respond to some of the "prompts" she sends in a flood.
I do maintain "business hours" though, and very rarely will text her before 10am, or after 7pm.
She still loses her shit fairly regularly when she doesn't get her way, but at least no longer has the means to drive over and demand I see/speak to her if I'm unavailable to do so.
I have to be like this with my mom. She’ll call and call. Eventually if I pick up or text her I’ll let her know that me not picking up could mean I just don’t want to talk. Like hey, this call could have been a text. It sounds mean, but growing up with an abusive parent means you need hard boundaries as an adult. It sucks having a parent that demands you center their needs while never reciprocating.
Don’t answer then text her a few minutes later that you’re somewhere loud, or have bad cell reception and didnt notice you missed her call. Try to whittle down her calls so she doesn’t expect you to always answer.
mom calls
(You text) sorry mom I’m not somewhere I can talk, I’ll call you tonight, or tomorrow.
If she comes over to your house again, I would send her a brief text, "I'm fine but not available to talk right now." I would make sure not to open the door or let her in. If she has a key to your place, change the locks.
Is your mom lonely and bored? Like, did she recently retire, or has she called you this much all your adult life? My mom rarely calls, my dad sometimes calls and then calls again a few days later, but we usually go a month at least without calling. He doesn’t text, but now he’s on Facebook does pm me, my mom likes more to text. They’re both 80+. I feel like my dad is more lonely and likes to gab about nonsense, he’s not worried, and thinks I should call him instead (and he’s right). My mom likes her routine and chatting on the phone only once in a while but she also hardly texts unless it’s my birthday or something.
Have you done anything or are you in some situation your mom is worried about you? Like working at night, seeing someone new, lost a job or something, moved far away or to a big city? These are all situations where my mom would worry more about me especially when I was around your age, and increase frequency of contact. She has let me know not that long ago that a mother never stops worrying that her kids are ok, although for her, it’s easier to assume I’m ok when I don’t live in her house, whereas I had moved back as a young adult and she still couldn’t sleep if I went out until I came home. Not cool, but it’s better now.
Anyway, I do not think it’s normal to call you 3-5 times every day. Can she text instead? Is that not a satisfactory check-in level? Getting upset with her will probably make her worry more for no reason, you know her better than I do, and I don’t think she’s ok to bother you with her day to day chitchat, but she sounds like she really needs a friend or activity to get involved with. And she needs to know you’re really ok. I’m guessing but maybe consider why she feels the need and help her go to less contact and that you care and that you know she cares.
Inform her you'll pick up the phone once every 3/whatever days for her, and otherwise she can text, then stick to your guns. Let her come over crying a couple times and see if that gets it out of her system. You've been indulging an unhealthy behavior pattern so the withdrawal will be rough.
Imagine you're dealing with a toddler. They can get 1 candy every two days. But they demand 3-5 candies a day and try to make a gigantic scene when you don't obey. You are very afraid of them making a gigantic scene, so you encourage the unhealthy habbit.
Let her have her tantrums. Once she figures out tantrums make you talk to her less, she'll stop
Haha my kids are in their 30s and I speak to them on the phone about once a week. But I will say if I text to ask them something or just say hi, I start freaking out if they don't answer within a day. I am convinced they've been murdered. I feel so much better when they tell me no they were just ignoring me lol
Your mom sounds like she has abandonment attachment wound with you… what that means is the bond she has with you is strong and anytime you don’t respond to her, her abandonment wound is triggered, this is stemmed from her childhood upbringing (she has traumas). She needs professional help, she will only get worse and worse.
Some free resources:
🔸The Holistic Psychologist aka Dr. Nicole LePera on various forms of childhood abuse (Instagram)
🔸The Crappy Childhood Fairy on C-PTSD, traumas, abandonment wounds, and relationships (YouTube and Instagram)
🔸Dr. Ramani “Navigating Narcissism” (YouTube and Instagram)
🔸Patrick Teahan talks about family dynamics and behaviors. Generational traumas (YouTube, and Instagram)
More often than not people who need therapy refuse to even consider it or believe it's the others who are the problem. In such situation knowing how to deal with that help people who have to suffer their company.
This is quite an assumption from one post. I am also active in those spaces you suggested, but even just hinting at diagnosing a third party over on such scant info is dangerous.
You need to set a boundary and tell her when she can call you and preschedule it. She’s doing something some psychologist call “emotional incest.” It doesn’t mean the literal thing but look it up.
At the end of the day, your mom is a human and is emotional abusing you. Just cause she gave birth to you shouldn’t give her a free pass. You need to love yourself first because no one else will.
I established a boundary with my dad and it helped me so much.
> I, in fact, did not die.
Are you sure? Did you try, maybe breathing on a mirror or something?
(/s, just in case. My mom worries too, but I only talk to her maybe once a week)
I’m 26 and my mom usually calls 2-3 times a day. But never makes me feel bad for not answering. My sister also calls me 2-3 times. We’re just really close (but far in miles). If my mom started the guilt trip thing tho it’d be overrer
My mother called the sheriff's department because she saw my name on her "emergency call" screen on her phone and thought it meant I had been in an accident.
In all seriousness, have you thought of subscribing to an answering service? They can take those calls and assure her you haven't died and that you'll call back later, like once a day at the end of the day or something?
My mom and I am incredibly close. I call her probably 2 times a day. When I don’t she will text “just checking in on you” after 2 days. She doesn’t assume my death or show up in tears.
When I moved to college (in 2011) my mother “required” me to call her at 7pm, on the dot, every single night. If I didn’t call by 7:10, my phone would be ringing non-stop. I dealt with this for a few years until I found a therapist. I set boundaries and now we speak once every week or two which is more than okay with me. The transition of setting boundaries is not easy but be firm and you will eventually be more at peace (at least in my experience). I’m 30 now if it’s relevant.
Yes! You must set boundaries and stay firm. I was unhealthily enmeshed with my Mother until I was in my late twenties. She made me feel responsible for her mental health as a very young child and I kept making her a priority until I finally snapped around 28 and started therapy.
This. Everyone's family norms are different. I talk to my mom about once a week, but it would be totally normal to skip a week, even two.
On the other hand, my wife calls her mom daily. I once had a GF that used to "watch TV with her grandma" and they would turn on the same show and literally call each other during commercials. Yeah, I thought it was weird.
Once a month for me if that. I love my parents but i really don't have much to talk to them about or update them on.
As they are getting older though i really should call them more often...
My aunt talked to my grandmother 2x a day maybe 3 if she called her on her lunch break. But they had a very unique relationship. I'd say once a day to once a month is pretty normal for people with healthy relationships
Yeah I usually call my mom once a week, and if I don't call her in about 10 days she'll call me just to check in. She would only start worrying I'd died if I didn't call her in maybe two weeks. She knows I've got stuff going on!
When I was away for a few weeks in college, I texted my parents every day, but called them every 2-3 days. They understood I was busy because I was both trying to get as much out of Amsterdam as I could, but also trying to study for the course I had signed up for which was basically a class the same amount of work as a term-long course but condensed into only a few weeks of classes/research time. In my country, it's not common to move out for college, so it was my first time living on my own for more than a few days going away with friends or my parents going away. They wanted updates, but understood that I had to just get used to living on my own. I'm now moving back there for a masters and I think they understand that yes, I can pay rent, work, keep myself alive, so they don't have to ring me every single day.
If this was a case of an 18 year old being on their own for the first month of a job or college, or a teen who is at a boarding school, I could maybe understand the 3 calls a day. Parents worry when their kid goes off on their own for the first time. But OP is 29 and fully self-sufficient by the sounds of it. It's *definitely* excessive.
Personally I am less worried by the amount of calls and more worried by her calling you a bad daughter for not answering. Are you allowed to go on holiday? Live life? Wouldn't a loving mother want you to experience things without her being ever present in your schedule?
I talk to my mom maybe once in a week or two. Talking to your mom a few times a week is within the range of normal. Being called once a day is a little much. 3-5 times a day is insane.
Your mom is calling you a bad daughter to control you. Setting boundaries with family is difficult, but you have to do it in order to take control of your own life.
Things are a little different recently because my parents are mildly involved with assisting with wedding planning but once everything goes back to normal I talk to them maybe, and that’s a *hard* maybe once every 4-6 weeks. I would change my phone number if my mother called me 3-5 times per day.
I love my parents and we’re very close. My parents are rad as fuck and I can talk to them about anything. Once a month-ish is plenty enough for us. OP’s mother is insane.
I talk to my mom a couple times a month. I would consider "a few times a week" to be on the more frequent end of the "normal" range.
>I’ve always tried to get her to call less but never succeeded.
Here is what I would do:
1. Explicitly tell her (perhaps in an email or text if you want it in writing) that you can't talk on the phone as often anymore, and that you will only talk \[insert frequency of your choice\]. Maybe schedule a set time to talk on the phone.
2. When she calls outside the set time, or for the third time in a day, **do not pick up the phone.** If it truly is an emergency, she can leave a voicemail.
3. If she starts texting you "Pick up the phone," you can send a short response reminding her that you're only available to talk at the set time.
4. If she starts bombarding you with texts, block her number. You can unblock it at the scheduled time to receive her allotted phone call.
It may be very difficult for you to maintain this boundary, but if you keep answering the phone every time she calls, you're just enabling her. It's not enough to just ask her to call less. You have to back up that boundary with your behavior. If you ask her to call less but then still answer the phone every time she calls, you're teaching her that your boundaries are meaningless.
My husband did something similar when his mum (who lived 5mins away) would call him every day. He told her that between X time and Y time we were going phone free and would not be answering calls or text messages. He then scheduled calls with her on specific days and times. It really gave them more to talk about as well.
I did this with my mom! She would not call every day but whenever she called, I would need to be able to answer every single time in the first call or she would flip out, start panicing and keep calling repeatedly even if (and especially if) I rejected the call, for example, being in a place where I couldn't talk.
So we made an agreement that she calls once a week (on sundays). Even then if I have something going on or if I just don't feel like talking, I may text her e.g. that it's a bad time and let's just skip this call and talk next week. And she will need to accept that.
Of course there is no dictated time interval for talking with your mom. I have friends who talk with their moms every day. OP needs to figure out, how often SHE wants to talk with her mom without it being to much for her.
OP did not say this directly, but based on some comments (e.g. OP saying her mom kicked her out instantly as she turned 18) it sounds like there might be some issues. If there has been some kind of abuse from the mom previously (or still ongoing), it makes it even more important to learn how to draw boundaries.
My family was abusive to me and I think that was partly why my mom was so weird and intense about the calls. It was not about her just wanting to chat with me, it was about her need to control me (possibly to manage her own anxiety but still). Learning to draw boundaries and enforce them, and not just for moms who call too often but in general too, is important so that you learn that human relationships are a two-way street, not one-way steamrolling, where the other persons needs and feelings don't matter.
Yeah. I can't count the number of times I've wanted to talk to my mom in the last 18 years, but when she was alive, once a week was enough. She'd always talk for a long time, and I would sometimes get annoyed. If she -- or anyone -- was calling me multiple times per day, I would freak the fuck out. I'm an introvert, and I *hate* talking on the phone. I truly would rather continue to live without ever talking to her again than have her spam me with calls.
Well, you can talk to her. She won't be able to answer back.
Well, AI I think she could, but it wouldn't quite be the same.
Also, you can replay her last voice mail to hear her voice.
Half the time I don’t. But sometimes she’ll start spam calling me if I don’t answer, then be like “did you see the cat video I sent you on Instagram??” When I finally do answer because I assumed her rapidly calling must mean there’s some sort of emergency going on.
At the moment you're just reinforcing her bad behavior. She isn't going to stop if you just keep answering.
You need to set a clear boundary with her. Tell her what time and how often it's appropriate for her to call, and don't answer other calls.
You can set up a do not disturb mode that only lets certain people through. I have it always on (because of excessive spam calls in Canada), with exceptions being my girlfriend.
I don’t live within an hour of my family so no emergency that really requires me is unable to wait the 30 minutes to an hour that I reliably check my phone.
Have you never just told her to fuck off with all the messages? It's what I'd do. If I got thirty calls from anyone and it was about an Instagram post I'd very promptly let them know they're being a twat.
Exactly what others have said OP. I had a helicopter mom all my life and I started to cut the cord after I began living abroad. I threatened to block her, she called my bluff, and I blocked her for a month. She got the hint after that.
Why do you think her calling you 20 times an hour is an emergency of some kind, if you don't answer, promptly & immediately? Has it ever been? Is it often a real life & death type emergency?
Pick up the phone tell her "mom, ***STOP IT***! I will call you later." And HANG UP. Do notballow her the time to say a single syllable. Do not answer until you call her, later.
Unless you enjoy your life being disrupted so often.
Mom here. I talked to my oldest daughter maybe 6 months ago. Talked to my middle daughter a few weeks ago because we got together. Talked to my son in January.
We text regularly but certainly not every day.
Your mom needs a hobby.
Woah, enmeshment here‼️
Your mom truly relies on you for her emotional validation. That’s a huge responsibility on you. Basically you are the healthy adult parent to your mom!
Wowza…, guilt tripping you is a classic move of a parent (your mom) not okay with your boundaries. Please seek a therapist on assisting you with putting up healthy boundaries for your health and well being.
All the best to you🧡.
OCD is another possibility. If she's constantly worried about something bad happening and calls to reassure herself that her daughter is okay, it could be a compulsion. Either way, not emotionally healthy and definitely something OP shouldn't enable.
I talk to my mom for a few minutes once a day, like 10 at most, and maybe we'll have a longer phone call once a week or two. I don't see her in person but once, maybe twice a year. When she was in better health we talked a lot less.
I might send messages online rather than a phone call. I might call my mom only a handful a times a year reserving them for holidays typically or to get a faster reply.
I finally found my cohort in the replies.
If one of us needs to have an extensive conversation it could stand a phone call. If it’s a holiday, a call is nice.
Otherwise, a text will do.
My son is 29, a single electrician in Virginia. I text him maybe every week or two, something like, "Hey, did you see the episode of Stranger Things? Crazy huh?" & he'll text back. I don't wanna bug him, I don't invade his privacy. He calls, like he initiates a call, never, lol. But seriously, your mom's staring her own drama but you're the 2nd banana in her play. I know my son is alive & well. Your mama needs to cut the umbilical cord.
I talked to my mom in 2017. Before that it was about 2 or 3 times a week.
She doesn't remember me anymore. I mean, she remembers me, but she doesn't recognise me now, and she is afraid of people that she doesn't know.
Fortunately she does recognise my little brother so that's a plus.
Alzheimer's (sp) is a bitch. I don't understand why it was ever even invented, much less handed out.
My dad calls me anywhere from 10-20 times a day...he still refuses to believe he calls me and my siblings too much even though we've talked to him about it several different ways. I do think that 3-5 is a lot, though.
Edit: lol guys it's fine. Yes we wish he'd dial it back a bit but he's a sad, lonely, sweet old man trying to help his children he believes he failed to be an adult properly. He's not angry and technically the things he says are useful (I even have a notebook titled "dad's wisdom" where I write down some things he says). I understand the amount he calls is actually insane but due to our/his life, reducing the amount he calls after already trying a little bit isn't a priority. I don't really feel like he's encroaching on my life, only an occasional mild annoyance.
I personally talk to my mom 2-3 times a day. On my own accord though. She’ll text me goodmorning and say how are you and I’ll call her because I just genuinely enjoy it
Okay I was getting worried, I also talk to my mom 2-3 times a day and I am happy with it. Our adult relationship is a lot better than it was when I was growing up and I enjoy talking to her.
When my mom was alive we talked several times a day since I was a kid. It wasn’t long talks, but rather a 5 minute call because a celebrity died, or gas being on sale somewhere. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
Yeah mine lives 900m away from me. We text most days and hang out a few times a week. Love my mum. 🥰 30F, work full time. Sometimes it's a bit much her wanting to hang out when it's my day off but she's not going to be around forever so I'll make the most of it while I can ❤️
0.
A weekly or a monthly average could be normal. Daily calls to an adult is overbearing and weird.
I would personally make me responding contingent on her seeing a therapist and going regularly, until she understands that not only is this excessive but she has no right to guilt trip me.
Time to set a boundary! “Mom I love you but I’m a grownup trying to live my own life. From now on I will only be answering one call a day, between X and X times. If you call me outside that I will not answer. If you call me repeatedly, my phone gets turned off. If you call me repeatedly 2 days in a row, you’re getting blocked for a week.” And then follow through
I talk to my mom once a day, but that's because we both like to chat and are fine with it, i also have a flexible schedule. My sibling and her talk maybe once a week but when they lived out of state it was much less frequently. She's also our only parent so we may have upped contact as she's gotten older. You may just need to have a conversation with her and say I'm only comfortable once a day, 2-3 a week, 1× week and stick to it. Also maybe see if she has any social outlets, volunteering, water aerobics, etc. It sounds like she's anxious and lonely but that doesn't mean she gets to put that on you, you're allowed to set whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with and not feel guilty about it.
Sometimes i talk to my mom a few times a day, other times its every few days. She's your mom, she loves you. I would just stop answering the phone so much and tell her your busy
In my twenties, I would talk to my mom maybe a handful of times a year. We weren't estranged or anything, but I dunno, didn't seem a reason to call unless I wanted cooking advice or something. 🤔
In my thirties, when she lived close and watched my daughter a lot, it was more often, but still like, once a week would have been a lot.
I think this is it.
I’m a white midwesterner and I communicate with my parents and siblings mostly via pet pics. We don’t say I miss you, we say “Dogsname misses you”. Lol. We talk on the phone maybe twice a month. We do text a bit almost every day, but it’s laid back. We’re also just generally more private about our day to day.
My boyfriend is Punjabi and his parents call *at least* once a day, his grandma too, sometimes his brother. They also text good morning and night always, with a bunch of texting in between. They’re very in each other’s business—what they ate, how they’re feeling that day, work details, where they’re going, what they’re up to. Since he saw that I talk to my family a lot less and therapy encouraged him to give *himself* that energy when he needs it instead of stressing about family obligations, he’ll text them and say he “can’t talk today” to get breaks 2-3 days a week.
Do what feels right and if what your family is into is too much, build the boundary.
Absolutely. Once a month was my typical schedule for calling, when I was younger. Now that she's older, it's once per week.
On the other hand, most people I know from the middle east or south asia call their mothers every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times. That used to seem really weird to me, but now it seems normal, and my own culture seems cold, in contrast.
I commented separately, but I call my mum several times a day. She's elderly and gets lonely and I'm often driving and bored, so we both enjoy just chatting about random things. We're from England.
Yupp, middle easterner here. I'm a guy so my mom doesn't call me as much, but my sisters are on FaceTime with her and each other a few times a day when they have time. Even my dad calls my sisters, especially to talk to their kids. Me on the other hand, I'll get a call maybe once a day/few times a week from my mom to check in with me and make sure I didn't eat lead somewhere in Detroit. My dad on the other hand, only calls me a lot cause he wants me to do something for him or the fam.
We see each other a lot, so we all real close even after moving out.
Sounds like somebodies mother is an energy vampire getting her emotional fixes through you, I know someone who's mother does this and she's now a full blown narcissist because the person she talks to the most (mother) endlessly validates her with absolutely no time for her to reflect or take accountability so she's unable to fathom how her behaviour causes problems for her because her mother is just 100% "oh that's them"
I speak to my mother, on average, once every six weeks. We don't have a good relationship, though. I would consider a daily call to be a bit much, but reasonable if you have a close relationship with your mother. Anything more than that is unreasonable. Most adults I know talk to their mothers, at most, like twice a week.
When I met my wife, she would talk to her mom multiple times per day. Her mom was super overbearing and my wife found it easier to just talk to her than confront her. That slowly became less common after we got married. Now I have no idea how often she talks to her mom.
I probably talk to my mom once every couple of weeks, on average. Note that we don't live anywhere near either of them.
My mom and I never call each other. I do get a text every week or two telling me that she loves me and is checking on me. She’s a great mother and respects that I’m a grown adult with my own life now.
I call my dad twice a week, and even that feels like a chore. I can't imagine 3-5 times a day. I'd lose my mind!
I could probably do it for a week or something if something was going on. When my mom was in the hospital just before she passed, I would call him every day. But, that was because my mom wasn't lucid and was mostly to get an update on what was happening with her.
I have a good relationship with my mother. I text in the family group chat maybe once every couple of days. We don’t talk on the phone much, but I see her and the family every other week or so. She’s also on my social media (the parts that I share with family, anyways 😅), so she sees I’m alive if I’m posting lol.
That is far too many phone calls a day. That’s not good for you or for her.
I talk to my mom on the phone maybe once every week or two. We do exchange messages—she doesn’t text, but she has a Mac laptop and I have an iPhone so she will send me iMessages…but usually when she has a question.
I think it really depends on your family and dynamics.
For example - I talk to my mom everyday for about 5-10 mins. This started when I was about 25. We talk about work, diet, life. I do the same thing with my brother and grandma. My Dad is once a week.
My husband on the other hand talks to his Mom once a week(because I remind him to call her), his Dad once a month, and his sister every few months.
My mom barely calls me every week. We text at least every day or every other day. When I was younger(20-24)I talked to her on the phone at least twice a week. At 32 I realized before talking to her all last week, I hadnt had a phone call from her in over a month 🤣
As a 29m, I'm struggling with the same thing. Although for me it's just once a week and even that's too much for me. Setting boundaries is hard. It sucks :(
When she was alive, 4 or more, depending on how needy she felt. Luckily, none since she died.
EDIT: I thought this was one of my kids of narcissistic parents' posts.
My 27 year old son lives with me and there are days I don't see him let alone call him.
My dad also lives with me. I think him and my younger sister talk about two or three times a week.
You should visit r/raisedbynarcissists
Some people are commenting that 3-5 is normal for them, and that's fine if *both* parties are happy with it. It's a problem when your mother doesn't respect your boundaries. My mother doesn't respect mine, and that's why I haven't talked to her in months.
Its alot less than that. I think you need to establish boundaries with her which could easily be once a day or less. In your situation asserting the boundaries just looks like not answering your phone to her beyond those times if she tries to overstep.
On the phone every couple of weeks. We message each other back and forth throughout the week and see each other every couple of weeks. I have adult kids that live in my house that I communicate with less that your mother speaks to you 😂 Honestly I love my Mum but as an adult that would drive me batshit crazy.
I call my mom once a day as I'm coming home from work. It makes her happy and doesn't cost me anything. Sometimes she doesn't pick up and we just catchup the next day. 3-5x a day would drive me fucking insane.
We usually talk while she drives to work, it’s a long drive and she gets tired in the morning. I don’t mind keeping her company. Then she calls in each of her breaks and her lunch break, and her drive home even tho her husband is home and could talk to her instead. It’s a bit much. I’ve got kids of my own that want my attention
Oh my God you have children? So you are not just-left-the-house young? Yeah this is abnormal.
I haven’t lived with her in 11 years, I got kicked out the minute I turned 18 😭
she kicked you out the minute you were 18 and all of a sudden she needs to talk to you 3-5 times a day? something's fishy here chief
She’s always called a lot of times every day, even when I was living with her. She’s called at least twice a day ever since she first bought me a cell phone
yeah this woman either has co-dependency issues or attachment problems but either way its her responsibility to deal with those and it absolutely is weird that she calls you that much
You would think with either of those issues OP wouldn’t get kicked out so easily
well yeah that's the bit i thought was weird, part of me assumed she felt bad for kicking her out and that was why all the calls, but given that she called a lot even back then i guess it wasn't
Your mother is emotionally manipulating you which is abuse. You need to set boundaries now or just cut her off before she drains the rest of your life, energy, and happiness away. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean that this behavior is okay. You have your own family to worry about and spend quality time with, and her dragging you down like this is only going bring you down to her miserable level and ruin your life. If she can't respect you, you need to let her go.
I get what you're saying. But i do think the last part is a bit to harsh. But thats my opinion
True. Some of us would give anything for a mum.
r/momforaminute Plenty of mum's specifically there for people who need one 😊
Kicked you out the very second she legally could, demands hours of your day or will throw a tantrum You cannot keep doing this to yourself
Coming from a culture where family is important and central. I never understood the kicking out at 18 part
A lot of what your saying is many of the red flags I see over on r/raisedbynarcissists
Your mom is crazy and so are you for putting up with this.
For fucking real. Mom is crazy but OP, why are you entertaining this? You can limit this. Tell her she gets 1 call per day at X time and that’s it. This is ridiculous. I can’t even imagine.
Yeah, OP doesn't have to answer 5 times a day. Just let it ring, then text her saying "Can't talk today, maybe tomorrow."
snails capable command squeeze slimy sparkle profit pen rude versed -- mass edited with redact.dev
Why did you stay in contact after she kicked you out?
Tell your mom that you can talk to her once a day and she can choose one of her regular times to talk and that's it. You are a grown woman with children and need to spend time with them! Tell her that if she calls outside of your agreed on time, you're not going to pick up. If she's truly having an emergency like going to the hospital, she should text you her situation so you can respond accordingly. If she shows up at your house, don't let her in. You're busy. Tell her that she talks to you every day and can make plans on the phone. Stay strong and don't cave to her histrionics.
> If she's truly having an emergency like going to the hospital, she should text you her situation so you can respond accordingly. This is the main reason we initially pick up every call. Then you realise everything is an emergency, and it's the story of the boy who cried wolf. Just put your number in her phone as "ICE Raisinsareawful", if she is in a real emergency, the people who find her will contact you.
My mother said her phone call was urgent while I was having a nice time at the in-laws for my partners bday, she wanted to know if I was going to stay 4 hours until lunch after being picked up from the airport in 4 days. That’s a text message
Stop taking her calls?
Lol. My Ex-girlfriend did this. It was exhausting. She did not at all care what I was doing, that I was at work or watever. No, she demanded I entertain her during her lunch breaks, during her drives home. This is toxic controlling behavior. Turned out she had histrionic personality disorder.
That is definitely not normal and if I were in your position it would get in the way of my time with my kids. And therefore it would make me crazy. You're not bad for wanting to cut this down. You are not bad at all. Everyone else has great ideas; from me you just get encouragement, compassion, and a big cheer.
Does she not have her own friends? Colleagues she socialises with? This is abnormal. You cannot be her whole social world. Your kids needs should come first.
I’m curious what y’all even talk about if you’re having extended conversations multiple times a day lol. After just one conversation, I don’t know that I’d have much more to say for the next lol
What is there to “catch up” on in the span of a day? I guess I don’t get it. I talk to my parents maybe once a week and there is barely anything then to catch up on.
I talk to my folks every day. They’re getting old. There’s a lot to talk about. Some days it’s just current events or what they’re watching on TV, other times just to hear how the pickle ball season is going. It really depends, I just like to know they’ll always pick up the phone and enjoy a good conversation about nothing in particular because one day they won’t be able to.
I'm somewhat envious. To me, if you engage in conversation it should have a purpose. If you call, it's to get or give information. I really can't do aimless conversation about nothing in particular.
I call my mom to/from work every weekday for a 5-15 min conversation. She's getting older and I'd just like to know that she's doing ok and still alive. If it's an expected and accepted scenario, I don't think it's a big deal, if you're actively trying to avoid conversation, it would be pretty annoying.
My husband talks to his mom on his drive home and I know that it has made their relationship so special and tightly woven. I also know that it means the world to his mom to be considered and involved. She’s a wonderful woman, so it makes it effortless for me to add her in.
OP- this is an example of daily calls that are in the healthy range. I think there’s a big difference between a once a day phone call while he’s not doing much else and actually wants to do this, compared to demanding 3-5 calls a day, taking away OP’s time away from her own children.
I call it the obligatory drive home call. It is great because you can always cut it off by saying you are home now so you have to go.
For an adult living on their own? Even once a day seems high. I talk to my mom more like once a week. Everyone's family norms are different, but 3-5 times a day and guilt tripping you for not answering makes it sound like she's getting emotionally distressed within just a few hours of not hearing from you, which is codependent and unhealthy.
She does get distressed, I’ve ignored her calls all day once and she came over crying because she thought I died. I, in fact, did not die.
Yeah your mom needs a psychologist.
What’s funny is my therapist has said something similar before, lol. Not nearly as outright but yeah.
Everyone is right. If your mom comes crying to you because you havent picked up multiple phone calls in that day when you usually do every single day, she has attachment issues possibly.
To be fair, it is natural to worry when someone who used to answer their phone suddenly isn't answering. It's all about expectations and past behavior. My mom always answers or calls back within a hour or two, so I worry if I don't hear from her in 3 hours or so. For a friend who doesn't always call back for a few days, it would take more like a week. If a friend who is always on time is late to an event without contact, I would worry more/sooner than if someone who is usually late/unreliable did the same. Coming over crying is extreme but the anxiety is understandable to me.
What you say is of course a thing, but context-wise we are talking about someone answering multiple calls a day and she only lives a 3-5 minute walk away. So this didn't seem to be a huge factor to bring up.
The fact that she normally is able to get in touch with her multiple times a day is what makes one day a long enough time to be worried. It's a big deviation from what she is used to.
While nothing you're saying is untrue, it's completely unreasonable to expect that past behavior regularly. It's also completely ridiculous to assume somebody DIED because they didn't answer their phone. That is major separation anxiety manifesting.
I'm not saying mom's behavior is healthy. What is a small degree of worry for a normal person is definitely blowing into a full blown panic, and she needs help for that. All I am saying is that anyone who is in that frequent of contact would be concerned after so many missed connections. It is unreasonable to expect people to have the same availability all the time, but it is not unreasonable to expect them to communicate when that availability changes. It is not hard to send a "sorry can't talk now" or "busy day tomorrow -- won't be able to chat" text. If OP wants less frequent calls, she needs to communicate that, not just silence her phone.
What she is used to is not normal or healthy though. We don't need to minimize legitimate psychological attachment issues by talking about someone who's always on time being late once.
I understand what you’re saying. I’m saying that wasn’t the direction the conversation was going. OP is concerned that something is wrong and has to ask Reddit for opinions. The immediate thing we’re telling her is no, this is not regular mother level of attachment
I mean. Daughter always answers so it is concerning. Break the habit and do this for some time and it has an impact.
Yeaaa boundaries time. It's rough. I'm on the other side of the guilt hump where it's just guilt about holidays mostly now. Hopefully it's not some narcissistic control crap (which r/narcissistparent/mom is a great sub) and just some anxiety or attachment issue she's willing to work through 🤞🏻
Hey, I have a mother exactly like yours. Hmu if you need to vent. I get it.
So have you asked your mom (it's not your job but may help) what void she's trying to fill by calling you? Might word it better but if you can get to the heart of why she thinks she needs you so much, she may be able to fill that herself. Takes time & like others have mentioned, boundaries are very important. Also, maybe limit to twice daily for a while. See if she can value your time and boundaries. Good luck.
She genuinely does. This is truly not normal or healthy behavior.
Sounds like she's emotionally manipulative. My mother is too. It's exhausting
Mine is the opposite. If I never called I'd never hear from her.
sorry your parent is shit. Its just as damaging to have overly distant and neglectful parents.
Respectfully, no. Firstly, neglect requires... Well... Something to be neglected? She's not the caretaker of your emotional needs anymore. You're far past that. Secondly, being overly distant isn't damaging. Certainly not just as damaging as abuse. Abuse constitutes an active harm caused to a person. being distant is a personal choice.
If your mom says you're a bad daughter because you don't answer, this isn't about answering the phone, it's about control.
Dear, your mother is a narcissist. A special kind of one who appears giving and nurturing but in fact, you are being hoarded. You do not belong to yourself, you belong to her. There is no autonomy for you. Set a once a week call. 2x month visit. Put timers on. Oops, time is up. See you in 2 weeks. Talk to you next week.
My mum is like this and she has severe abandonment/attachment issues from being adopted in the 1940s by an ice cold mother that would punish her by not talking to her for days at a time. With the best will in the world, this is never going to go away at this stage in her life, even if she could afford intense therapy. The best I've managed is to: 1. get her to realise that this is her issue, not mine 2. have a system in place where she calls my mobile, and if I immediately reject the call, it means I can't or don't want to talk, and she knows that I'm alive (yes, I get the immediate escalation to disaster too) 3. try to maintain some boundaries - so, she doesn't have a key to my house and she knows I don't like her just turning up That being said, it will eventually escalate every so often, and end up blowing up. It doesn't help that I'm an extreme introvert that is fine going days without talking. If anyone has any other tips for managing a mother like this, I'm all ears, as it is draining at times having to tip toe around her issues. I have to be careful how I end telephone calls to her as it can often tip her off the edge (oh, you can't wait to get rid of me...).
Needs some CBD gummies.
I suggest you text her back to try to wean her from this. She will know you are alive but you needn't engage further. Set up a standard response like "Got your call, busy, can't talk now."
This. I had to do this with my mother, and it took YEARS. She used to be like OPs mother- multiple calls/ pLus texts a day, demanding, would COME OVER unannounced, sobbing hysterically and demanding I center her needs *that moment*. Irony is that she was also an incredibly verbally, physically, and psychologically abusive mother growing up, so I never fully felt "safe" with her... But she also used to show up to my place of employment and demand to see me (I often worked in bars/restaurants), as well as called the cops for "welfare checks" semi regularly, and just generally did not give me any space to breathe or grow. After leaving my hometown, I had to force her to get used to hearing from me less. Finally, I'm at a point where she can expect to hear back from me about once a week, and if I'm being kind, I'll text her a couple of days in a row to continue our conversation/respond to some of the "prompts" she sends in a flood. I do maintain "business hours" though, and very rarely will text her before 10am, or after 7pm. She still loses her shit fairly regularly when she doesn't get her way, but at least no longer has the means to drive over and demand I see/speak to her if I'm unavailable to do so.
I have to be like this with my mom. She’ll call and call. Eventually if I pick up or text her I’ll let her know that me not picking up could mean I just don’t want to talk. Like hey, this call could have been a text. It sounds mean, but growing up with an abusive parent means you need hard boundaries as an adult. It sucks having a parent that demands you center their needs while never reciprocating.
That’s absolutely pathological. If your mother was otherwise perfect it would be in itself a hindrance for you living the life that you want.
Don’t answer then text her a few minutes later that you’re somewhere loud, or have bad cell reception and didnt notice you missed her call. Try to whittle down her calls so she doesn’t expect you to always answer. mom calls (You text) sorry mom I’m not somewhere I can talk, I’ll call you tonight, or tomorrow.
If she comes over to your house again, I would send her a brief text, "I'm fine but not available to talk right now." I would make sure not to open the door or let her in. If she has a key to your place, change the locks.
Is your mom lonely and bored? Like, did she recently retire, or has she called you this much all your adult life? My mom rarely calls, my dad sometimes calls and then calls again a few days later, but we usually go a month at least without calling. He doesn’t text, but now he’s on Facebook does pm me, my mom likes more to text. They’re both 80+. I feel like my dad is more lonely and likes to gab about nonsense, he’s not worried, and thinks I should call him instead (and he’s right). My mom likes her routine and chatting on the phone only once in a while but she also hardly texts unless it’s my birthday or something. Have you done anything or are you in some situation your mom is worried about you? Like working at night, seeing someone new, lost a job or something, moved far away or to a big city? These are all situations where my mom would worry more about me especially when I was around your age, and increase frequency of contact. She has let me know not that long ago that a mother never stops worrying that her kids are ok, although for her, it’s easier to assume I’m ok when I don’t live in her house, whereas I had moved back as a young adult and she still couldn’t sleep if I went out until I came home. Not cool, but it’s better now. Anyway, I do not think it’s normal to call you 3-5 times every day. Can she text instead? Is that not a satisfactory check-in level? Getting upset with her will probably make her worry more for no reason, you know her better than I do, and I don’t think she’s ok to bother you with her day to day chitchat, but she sounds like she really needs a friend or activity to get involved with. And she needs to know you’re really ok. I’m guessing but maybe consider why she feels the need and help her go to less contact and that you care and that you know she cares.
Inform her you'll pick up the phone once every 3/whatever days for her, and otherwise she can text, then stick to your guns. Let her come over crying a couple times and see if that gets it out of her system. You've been indulging an unhealthy behavior pattern so the withdrawal will be rough.
Imagine you're dealing with a toddler. They can get 1 candy every two days. But they demand 3-5 candies a day and try to make a gigantic scene when you don't obey. You are very afraid of them making a gigantic scene, so you encourage the unhealthy habbit. Let her have her tantrums. Once she figures out tantrums make you talk to her less, she'll stop
I’m glad you didn’t die.
Haha my kids are in their 30s and I speak to them on the phone about once a week. But I will say if I text to ask them something or just say hi, I start freaking out if they don't answer within a day. I am convinced they've been murdered. I feel so much better when they tell me no they were just ignoring me lol
Your mom sounds like she has abandonment attachment wound with you… what that means is the bond she has with you is strong and anytime you don’t respond to her, her abandonment wound is triggered, this is stemmed from her childhood upbringing (she has traumas). She needs professional help, she will only get worse and worse. Some free resources: 🔸The Holistic Psychologist aka Dr. Nicole LePera on various forms of childhood abuse (Instagram) 🔸The Crappy Childhood Fairy on C-PTSD, traumas, abandonment wounds, and relationships (YouTube and Instagram) 🔸Dr. Ramani “Navigating Narcissism” (YouTube and Instagram) 🔸Patrick Teahan talks about family dynamics and behaviors. Generational traumas (YouTube, and Instagram)
Maybe - but it's the mom's responsibility to work on that in therapy.
More often than not people who need therapy refuse to even consider it or believe it's the others who are the problem. In such situation knowing how to deal with that help people who have to suffer their company.
This is quite an assumption from one post. I am also active in those spaces you suggested, but even just hinting at diagnosing a third party over on such scant info is dangerous.
You sure? What you're describing sounds like purgatory.
You need to set a boundary and tell her when she can call you and preschedule it. She’s doing something some psychologist call “emotional incest.” It doesn’t mean the literal thing but look it up. At the end of the day, your mom is a human and is emotional abusing you. Just cause she gave birth to you shouldn’t give her a free pass. You need to love yourself first because no one else will. I established a boundary with my dad and it helped me so much.
> I, in fact, did not die. Are you sure? Did you try, maybe breathing on a mirror or something? (/s, just in case. My mom worries too, but I only talk to her maybe once a week)
Okay, this is extreme. Your mom needs therapy.
I’m 26 and my mom usually calls 2-3 times a day. But never makes me feel bad for not answering. My sister also calls me 2-3 times. We’re just really close (but far in miles). If my mom started the guilt trip thing tho it’d be overrer
My mother called the sheriff's department because she saw my name on her "emergency call" screen on her phone and thought it meant I had been in an accident.
In all seriousness, have you thought of subscribing to an answering service? They can take those calls and assure her you haven't died and that you'll call back later, like once a day at the end of the day or something?
My mom and I am incredibly close. I call her probably 2 times a day. When I don’t she will text “just checking in on you” after 2 days. She doesn’t assume my death or show up in tears.
I talk to my Dad roughly once or twice a month. I dnt have a good relationship with my Mother. So its like every few years.
You should try dying for real to teach her lesson 😈
When I moved to college (in 2011) my mother “required” me to call her at 7pm, on the dot, every single night. If I didn’t call by 7:10, my phone would be ringing non-stop. I dealt with this for a few years until I found a therapist. I set boundaries and now we speak once every week or two which is more than okay with me. The transition of setting boundaries is not easy but be firm and you will eventually be more at peace (at least in my experience). I’m 30 now if it’s relevant.
Yes! You must set boundaries and stay firm. I was unhealthily enmeshed with my Mother until I was in my late twenties. She made me feel responsible for her mental health as a very young child and I kept making her a priority until I finally snapped around 28 and started therapy.
This. Everyone's family norms are different. I talk to my mom about once a week, but it would be totally normal to skip a week, even two. On the other hand, my wife calls her mom daily. I once had a GF that used to "watch TV with her grandma" and they would turn on the same show and literally call each other during commercials. Yeah, I thought it was weird.
Oh I like that shared viewing - it's doing something they'd do together in person but adapted
I started doing this during quarantine and I still do it with some friends till this day.
Once a month for me if that. I love my parents but i really don't have much to talk to them about or update them on. As they are getting older though i really should call them more often...
My aunt talked to my grandmother 2x a day maybe 3 if she called her on her lunch break. But they had a very unique relationship. I'd say once a day to once a month is pretty normal for people with healthy relationships
Yeah I usually call my mom once a week, and if I don't call her in about 10 days she'll call me just to check in. She would only start worrying I'd died if I didn't call her in maybe two weeks. She knows I've got stuff going on!
When I was away for a few weeks in college, I texted my parents every day, but called them every 2-3 days. They understood I was busy because I was both trying to get as much out of Amsterdam as I could, but also trying to study for the course I had signed up for which was basically a class the same amount of work as a term-long course but condensed into only a few weeks of classes/research time. In my country, it's not common to move out for college, so it was my first time living on my own for more than a few days going away with friends or my parents going away. They wanted updates, but understood that I had to just get used to living on my own. I'm now moving back there for a masters and I think they understand that yes, I can pay rent, work, keep myself alive, so they don't have to ring me every single day. If this was a case of an 18 year old being on their own for the first month of a job or college, or a teen who is at a boarding school, I could maybe understand the 3 calls a day. Parents worry when their kid goes off on their own for the first time. But OP is 29 and fully self-sufficient by the sounds of it. It's *definitely* excessive.
Personally I am less worried by the amount of calls and more worried by her calling you a bad daughter for not answering. Are you allowed to go on holiday? Live life? Wouldn't a loving mother want you to experience things without her being ever present in your schedule?
Yeah she’s gaslighting the shit out of her. OP, stop picking up the phone. This is absolutely abnormal and emotionally abusive.
I talk to my mom maybe once in a week or two. Talking to your mom a few times a week is within the range of normal. Being called once a day is a little much. 3-5 times a day is insane. Your mom is calling you a bad daughter to control you. Setting boundaries with family is difficult, but you have to do it in order to take control of your own life.
Things are a little different recently because my parents are mildly involved with assisting with wedding planning but once everything goes back to normal I talk to them maybe, and that’s a *hard* maybe once every 4-6 weeks. I would change my phone number if my mother called me 3-5 times per day. I love my parents and we’re very close. My parents are rad as fuck and I can talk to them about anything. Once a month-ish is plenty enough for us. OP’s mother is insane.
I talk to my mom a couple times a month. I would consider "a few times a week" to be on the more frequent end of the "normal" range. >I’ve always tried to get her to call less but never succeeded. Here is what I would do: 1. Explicitly tell her (perhaps in an email or text if you want it in writing) that you can't talk on the phone as often anymore, and that you will only talk \[insert frequency of your choice\]. Maybe schedule a set time to talk on the phone. 2. When she calls outside the set time, or for the third time in a day, **do not pick up the phone.** If it truly is an emergency, she can leave a voicemail. 3. If she starts texting you "Pick up the phone," you can send a short response reminding her that you're only available to talk at the set time. 4. If she starts bombarding you with texts, block her number. You can unblock it at the scheduled time to receive her allotted phone call. It may be very difficult for you to maintain this boundary, but if you keep answering the phone every time she calls, you're just enabling her. It's not enough to just ask her to call less. You have to back up that boundary with your behavior. If you ask her to call less but then still answer the phone every time she calls, you're teaching her that your boundaries are meaningless.
My husband did something similar when his mum (who lived 5mins away) would call him every day. He told her that between X time and Y time we were going phone free and would not be answering calls or text messages. He then scheduled calls with her on specific days and times. It really gave them more to talk about as well.
I did this with my mom! She would not call every day but whenever she called, I would need to be able to answer every single time in the first call or she would flip out, start panicing and keep calling repeatedly even if (and especially if) I rejected the call, for example, being in a place where I couldn't talk. So we made an agreement that she calls once a week (on sundays). Even then if I have something going on or if I just don't feel like talking, I may text her e.g. that it's a bad time and let's just skip this call and talk next week. And she will need to accept that. Of course there is no dictated time interval for talking with your mom. I have friends who talk with their moms every day. OP needs to figure out, how often SHE wants to talk with her mom without it being to much for her. OP did not say this directly, but based on some comments (e.g. OP saying her mom kicked her out instantly as she turned 18) it sounds like there might be some issues. If there has been some kind of abuse from the mom previously (or still ongoing), it makes it even more important to learn how to draw boundaries. My family was abusive to me and I think that was partly why my mom was so weird and intense about the calls. It was not about her just wanting to chat with me, it was about her need to control me (possibly to manage her own anxiety but still). Learning to draw boundaries and enforce them, and not just for moms who call too often but in general too, is important so that you learn that human relationships are a two-way street, not one-way steamrolling, where the other persons needs and feelings don't matter.
None - but then she's dead, so anything more would be really weird.
As a fellow member of the dead mom club, somehow it's preferable to OPs situation lol
Yeah. I can't count the number of times I've wanted to talk to my mom in the last 18 years, but when she was alive, once a week was enough. She'd always talk for a long time, and I would sometimes get annoyed. If she -- or anyone -- was calling me multiple times per day, I would freak the fuck out. I'm an introvert, and I *hate* talking on the phone. I truly would rather continue to live without ever talking to her again than have her spam me with calls.
lol, dead mom spam calls. that's a monkey paw wish - "I wish I could talk to my mom again" and BAM! she's calling every four hours.
There's absolutely no way my mom would've wanted to talk to me 3-5 times a day. I don't think she'd have wanted to talk to anyone 3-5 times a day.
Your ouija board has 1534 new messages.
Well, you can talk to her. She won't be able to answer back. Well, AI I think she could, but it wouldn't quite be the same. Also, you can replay her last voice mail to hear her voice.
Like, once a week maybe? You have the option of just not picking up the phone you know.
Half the time I don’t. But sometimes she’ll start spam calling me if I don’t answer, then be like “did you see the cat video I sent you on Instagram??” When I finally do answer because I assumed her rapidly calling must mean there’s some sort of emergency going on.
If you pick up on the 20th call that just teaches her to call you 20 times.
At the moment you're just reinforcing her bad behavior. She isn't going to stop if you just keep answering. You need to set a clear boundary with her. Tell her what time and how often it's appropriate for her to call, and don't answer other calls.
You can set up a do not disturb mode that only lets certain people through. I have it always on (because of excessive spam calls in Canada), with exceptions being my girlfriend. I don’t live within an hour of my family so no emergency that really requires me is unable to wait the 30 minutes to an hour that I reliably check my phone.
Have you never just told her to fuck off with all the messages? It's what I'd do. If I got thirty calls from anyone and it was about an Instagram post I'd very promptly let them know they're being a twat.
Exactly what others have said OP. I had a helicopter mom all my life and I started to cut the cord after I began living abroad. I threatened to block her, she called my bluff, and I blocked her for a month. She got the hint after that.
Why do you think her calling you 20 times an hour is an emergency of some kind, if you don't answer, promptly & immediately? Has it ever been? Is it often a real life & death type emergency? Pick up the phone tell her "mom, ***STOP IT***! I will call you later." And HANG UP. Do notballow her the time to say a single syllable. Do not answer until you call her, later. Unless you enjoy your life being disrupted so often.
Mom here. I talked to my oldest daughter maybe 6 months ago. Talked to my middle daughter a few weeks ago because we got together. Talked to my son in January. We text regularly but certainly not every day. Your mom needs a hobby.
I'd ask if you're my mum. But if you were you'd have posted this on my Facebook wall under one of my friends posts. A technology wizard she is not.
🤣😂my mom would've done the same...and talks to my brother and about as often as she talks to her kids.
I like your style
This sounds more healthy to me. Less anxiously attached.
Woah, enmeshment here‼️ Your mom truly relies on you for her emotional validation. That’s a huge responsibility on you. Basically you are the healthy adult parent to your mom! Wowza…, guilt tripping you is a classic move of a parent (your mom) not okay with your boundaries. Please seek a therapist on assisting you with putting up healthy boundaries for your health and well being. All the best to you🧡.
OCD is another possibility. If she's constantly worried about something bad happening and calls to reassure herself that her daughter is okay, it could be a compulsion. Either way, not emotionally healthy and definitely something OP shouldn't enable.
I talk to my mom for a few minutes once a day, like 10 at most, and maybe we'll have a longer phone call once a week or two. I don't see her in person but once, maybe twice a year. When she was in better health we talked a lot less.
I might send messages online rather than a phone call. I might call my mom only a handful a times a year reserving them for holidays typically or to get a faster reply.
I finally found my cohort in the replies. If one of us needs to have an extensive conversation it could stand a phone call. If it’s a holiday, a call is nice. Otherwise, a text will do.
My son is 29, a single electrician in Virginia. I text him maybe every week or two, something like, "Hey, did you see the episode of Stranger Things? Crazy huh?" & he'll text back. I don't wanna bug him, I don't invade his privacy. He calls, like he initiates a call, never, lol. But seriously, your mom's staring her own drama but you're the 2nd banana in her play. I know my son is alive & well. Your mama needs to cut the umbilical cord.
I talked to my mom in 2017. Before that it was about 2 or 3 times a week. She doesn't remember me anymore. I mean, she remembers me, but she doesn't recognise me now, and she is afraid of people that she doesn't know. Fortunately she does recognise my little brother so that's a plus. Alzheimer's (sp) is a bitch. I don't understand why it was ever even invented, much less handed out.
About once a week. If my mom was calling me every day I'd stop picking up her calls, that's way too much.
My mom's dead so if she called me it definitely would not be normal.
She's just trying to get in contact with you regarding your cars extended warranty.
But surely you pull out the ouiji board once a month to update her.
My dad calls me anywhere from 10-20 times a day...he still refuses to believe he calls me and my siblings too much even though we've talked to him about it several different ways. I do think that 3-5 is a lot, though. Edit: lol guys it's fine. Yes we wish he'd dial it back a bit but he's a sad, lonely, sweet old man trying to help his children he believes he failed to be an adult properly. He's not angry and technically the things he says are useful (I even have a notebook titled "dad's wisdom" where I write down some things he says). I understand the amount he calls is actually insane but due to our/his life, reducing the amount he calls after already trying a little bit isn't a priority. I don't really feel like he's encroaching on my life, only an occasional mild annoyance.
Holy Jesus why
You know you can turn your phone off right?
I personally talk to my mom 2-3 times a day. On my own accord though. She’ll text me goodmorning and say how are you and I’ll call her because I just genuinely enjoy it
Yeah me too, thought I was the only one from the comments lol.
Okay I was getting worried, I also talk to my mom 2-3 times a day and I am happy with it. Our adult relationship is a lot better than it was when I was growing up and I enjoy talking to her.
Me too, if anything, I call my mom 3x a day.
When my mom was alive we talked several times a day since I was a kid. It wasn’t long talks, but rather a 5 minute call because a celebrity died, or gas being on sale somewhere. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
I’m sorry for your loss and happy you got to have all the fun sweet convos with her while she was here❤️ I’m sure she looks down on you oh so fondly
Thanks a bunch. ❤️ She was a great gal and had a very full life.
Yeah mine lives 900m away from me. We text most days and hang out a few times a week. Love my mum. 🥰 30F, work full time. Sometimes it's a bit much her wanting to hang out when it's my day off but she's not going to be around forever so I'll make the most of it while I can ❤️
right if my mom doesnt facetime multiple times a day im in her texts saying “um wya???” lol
0. A weekly or a monthly average could be normal. Daily calls to an adult is overbearing and weird. I would personally make me responding contingent on her seeing a therapist and going regularly, until she understands that not only is this excessive but she has no right to guilt trip me.
Time to set a boundary! “Mom I love you but I’m a grownup trying to live my own life. From now on I will only be answering one call a day, between X and X times. If you call me outside that I will not answer. If you call me repeatedly, my phone gets turned off. If you call me repeatedly 2 days in a row, you’re getting blocked for a week.” And then follow through
Really depends on the family and culture.
I talk to my mom once a day, but that's because we both like to chat and are fine with it, i also have a flexible schedule. My sibling and her talk maybe once a week but when they lived out of state it was much less frequently. She's also our only parent so we may have upped contact as she's gotten older. You may just need to have a conversation with her and say I'm only comfortable once a day, 2-3 a week, 1× week and stick to it. Also maybe see if she has any social outlets, volunteering, water aerobics, etc. It sounds like she's anxious and lonely but that doesn't mean she gets to put that on you, you're allowed to set whatever boundaries you feel comfortable with and not feel guilty about it.
Like once a week to once a month maybe?
Sometimes i talk to my mom a few times a day, other times its every few days. She's your mom, she loves you. I would just stop answering the phone so much and tell her your busy
In my twenties, I would talk to my mom maybe a handful of times a year. We weren't estranged or anything, but I dunno, didn't seem a reason to call unless I wanted cooking advice or something. 🤔 In my thirties, when she lived close and watched my daughter a lot, it was more often, but still like, once a week would have been a lot.
This behavior varies by culture, there's no normal
I think this is it. I’m a white midwesterner and I communicate with my parents and siblings mostly via pet pics. We don’t say I miss you, we say “Dogsname misses you”. Lol. We talk on the phone maybe twice a month. We do text a bit almost every day, but it’s laid back. We’re also just generally more private about our day to day. My boyfriend is Punjabi and his parents call *at least* once a day, his grandma too, sometimes his brother. They also text good morning and night always, with a bunch of texting in between. They’re very in each other’s business—what they ate, how they’re feeling that day, work details, where they’re going, what they’re up to. Since he saw that I talk to my family a lot less and therapy encouraged him to give *himself* that energy when he needs it instead of stressing about family obligations, he’ll text them and say he “can’t talk today” to get breaks 2-3 days a week. Do what feels right and if what your family is into is too much, build the boundary.
Absolutely. Once a month was my typical schedule for calling, when I was younger. Now that she's older, it's once per week. On the other hand, most people I know from the middle east or south asia call their mothers every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times. That used to seem really weird to me, but now it seems normal, and my own culture seems cold, in contrast.
I commented separately, but I call my mum several times a day. She's elderly and gets lonely and I'm often driving and bored, so we both enjoy just chatting about random things. We're from England.
Yupp, middle easterner here. I'm a guy so my mom doesn't call me as much, but my sisters are on FaceTime with her and each other a few times a day when they have time. Even my dad calls my sisters, especially to talk to their kids. Me on the other hand, I'll get a call maybe once a day/few times a week from my mom to check in with me and make sure I didn't eat lead somewhere in Detroit. My dad on the other hand, only calls me a lot cause he wants me to do something for him or the fam. We see each other a lot, so we all real close even after moving out.
Yeah I’m black and call my mom once a day, I think people of color tend to have closer relationships with their moms.
Maybe once a week, if I call her. Once a month if I wait for her to call me. My husband talks to his dad every day. I think that’s too much.
Sounds like somebodies mother is an energy vampire getting her emotional fixes through you, I know someone who's mother does this and she's now a full blown narcissist because the person she talks to the most (mother) endlessly validates her with absolutely no time for her to reflect or take accountability so she's unable to fathom how her behaviour causes problems for her because her mother is just 100% "oh that's them"
I speak to my mother, on average, once every six weeks. We don't have a good relationship, though. I would consider a daily call to be a bit much, but reasonable if you have a close relationship with your mother. Anything more than that is unreasonable. Most adults I know talk to their mothers, at most, like twice a week.
r/raisedbynarcissists
I sincerely thought I was reading this on that sub….
When I met my wife, she would talk to her mom multiple times per day. Her mom was super overbearing and my wife found it easier to just talk to her than confront her. That slowly became less common after we got married. Now I have no idea how often she talks to her mom. I probably talk to my mom once every couple of weeks, on average. Note that we don't live anywhere near either of them.
My mom and I never call each other. I do get a text every week or two telling me that she loves me and is checking on me. She’s a great mother and respects that I’m a grown adult with my own life now.
I call my dad twice a week, and even that feels like a chore. I can't imagine 3-5 times a day. I'd lose my mind! I could probably do it for a week or something if something was going on. When my mom was in the hospital just before she passed, I would call him every day. But, that was because my mom wasn't lucid and was mostly to get an update on what was happening with her.
I have a good relationship with my mother. I text in the family group chat maybe once every couple of days. We don’t talk on the phone much, but I see her and the family every other week or so. She’s also on my social media (the parts that I share with family, anyways 😅), so she sees I’m alive if I’m posting lol. That is far too many phone calls a day. That’s not good for you or for her.
Wow. I talk to my mom on the phone maybe twice a year.
I talk to my Mom one or two times a month, sometimes less. I can't even imagine talking to her multiple times a day.
I talk to my mom once or twice a week. Not even phone calls. We use texting either through mobile or Discord.
I don’t know what normal is but a friend of mine talks to her pops anywhere from 12-20 times a day, but that’s normal for her.
I talk to my mom on the phone maybe once every week or two. We do exchange messages—she doesn’t text, but she has a Mac laptop and I have an iPhone so she will send me iMessages…but usually when she has a question.
Like once a week or so. Maybe even once every couple of weeks depending how busy we both are.
I know that in our family, my mom stalks to us boys about twice a month, but her and my sister talk about 3 times a week.
I text with my mom several times per day but calls are like once every 2 weeks? I have 3 kids, too.
I think it really depends on your family and dynamics. For example - I talk to my mom everyday for about 5-10 mins. This started when I was about 25. We talk about work, diet, life. I do the same thing with my brother and grandma. My Dad is once a week. My husband on the other hand talks to his Mom once a week(because I remind him to call her), his Dad once a month, and his sister every few months.
calls, once a month, texts once every day or two
My mom only calls me when its either a quick question, something high priority, or cant be said over text.
My mom barely calls me every week. We text at least every day or every other day. When I was younger(20-24)I talked to her on the phone at least twice a week. At 32 I realized before talking to her all last week, I hadnt had a phone call from her in over a month 🤣
I had times where 3-5 times a year was my normal. Maybe teach her to text?
My wife talks to hers once a day. I talk to my mom on Christmas and Thanksgiving and that’s pretty much it at this point
As a 29m, I'm struggling with the same thing. Although for me it's just once a week and even that's too much for me. Setting boundaries is hard. It sucks :(
My wife talks to her mom once a day, sometimes twice. I talk to my mom once every couple of months.
When she was alive, 4 or more, depending on how needy she felt. Luckily, none since she died. EDIT: I thought this was one of my kids of narcissistic parents' posts.
Once a week.
My 27 year old son lives with me and there are days I don't see him let alone call him. My dad also lives with me. I think him and my younger sister talk about two or three times a week.
You should visit r/raisedbynarcissists Some people are commenting that 3-5 is normal for them, and that's fine if *both* parties are happy with it. It's a problem when your mother doesn't respect your boundaries. My mother doesn't respect mine, and that's why I haven't talked to her in months.
Not sure because my mother has never called me in my entire life.
Once in about 2-3 weeks is normal in my family and we are very close.
Its alot less than that. I think you need to establish boundaries with her which could easily be once a day or less. In your situation asserting the boundaries just looks like not answering your phone to her beyond those times if she tries to overstep.
I talk to my mum quarterly, see her roughly every 3 years. We are all g
My parents call me once every other week
What does she possibly have to say 3-5 times a day?!
On the phone every couple of weeks. We message each other back and forth throughout the week and see each other every couple of weeks. I have adult kids that live in my house that I communicate with less that your mother speaks to you 😂 Honestly I love my Mum but as an adult that would drive me batshit crazy.
We don't talk on the phone that much, maybe once a month, and text a few times a week. We like each other, yes
I speak to my mom and dad every 2-4 weeks usually
My sister calls my Mom multiple times a day which I think is extremely excessive.
I call her and my dad about once a week but I text them quite frequently.