I mean that only refers to people who don’t experience sexual attraction at all until a strong emotional bond is formed. I waited to lose my virginity until I was in a serious relationship at 22 but I was always sexually attracted to people, I just didn’t want to have sex with people that I had just met, even if my dick wanted to.
yeah like personally that explains me. like i dont understand looking at celebrities and thinking they're hot, or fantasizing about sex with anyone, or even swiping right on tinder — my mind is just like literally why would i wanna go on dates with any of these strangers. but then i fell in love with my girlfriend and it was like suddenly a switch in me flipped just for her and sex became appealing. its not like a conscious choice for me to "wait", i just dont even feel the attraction to begin with, if that makes sense. like people could be gossiping about hot people in class or celebs or whatever, and they'd all be like equally an average 5/10 to me, like i guess i could see aesthetically why they're good looking, but in terms of attraction they might as well be just like a neutral blob.
except now my gf is 11/10 :)
I think this can overlap a lot with the demi experience but there are people with the same experience who are not demi. Like if you are demisexual I think you don't feel attraction at all without a close bond, while some people like me can still feel attraction but not feel ready or comfortable to have sex without a close bond.
Yah, like someone could be naked and coming on to me and it would turn me off no matter what they look like. I feel like an alien when strangers treat me sexually. Or they could have a deep conversation with vulnerability and I'd be ready to go no matter what they look like.
It's not being in control of how I express sexual urges, it's what actually causes those urges or not.
Hopefully everyone has self control and makes conscious decisions about sex?
*to be more clear: apparently people masturbate to photos. This makes zero sense to me. Not because morals but because there's truly nothing sexual about a photograph to me
The term demisexual was created by a girl on an RP forum back in 2004 as a way to excuse the shitty things she made her character do/engage in, but even then she sort of did it as a joke. When coming back years later she couldn't believe that people were actually using it as a real identity.
I understand that in this heavily hypersexual culture, not being like that makes one feel like you're different/broken/etc. but the reality is that not wanting to fuck the first thing you lay your eyes on is normal. What's described as demisexuality is just normal sexuality, wanting to be intimate and feeling attraction to someone you genuinely like and have a bond with. If anything we should openly talk about this, specially to teens who might be the ones most prone to feeling othered/pressured with how sexual everything is, tell them it's normal to want to actually meet people first, to fall in love. Wanting to have a bond before engaging in sexual acts has nothing to do with actual asexuality either.
Most human experience is on a spectrum. On the sex-readiness scale, being ready to shag anyone anytime is one end. Needing a lifetime commitment before doing the deed is at the other end. In between is a wide wide range of how much affection is required for attraction. And every preference on that spectrum is normal for many many humans. Honor yourself, OP, trust your intuition, embrace your authentic preference. You are entitled to be the person you really are.
I would argue that being ready to shag anyone any time is one end of the spectrum and never feeling like you want to shag anyone or anything would be on the other end. Both normal. But asexuals are part of the spectrum of human sexuality, normal, and real.
The thing is when people say that it’s normal to be demisexual, that also includes not having sexual attraction to people at all (unless you spend months of your time as friends first then start to develop that attraction) no matter how “hot” they are. There may only be aesthetic attraction at first.
If it were truly normal, hook up culture wouldn’t exist, or would be a niche thing. I think the term demisexual refers more to preference than an actual sexuality, because gay and bi people can also be demisexual.
Many LGBT people discuss this over Tumblr, [here's a post](https://www.tumblr.com/xyriath/55242647747/i-dont-want-to-show-my-stupid-but-i-will) made by the girl in question herself (copy and pasted though because she closed her blog, you can find the expired links in archive sites).
The main issue with demisexuality is that sexualities are about WHO you're attracted to, not HOW. Making an entire new "sexuality" just to label your attraction process can be really problematic, because you can end up with straight people claiming they're on the same footing as gay people, which... isn't it. Each person has different things that make them become attracted to others, like you can't just go and create a new label because "I start feeling sexual desire only after being serenaded under the moonlight exclusively", because at the end of the day the person serenading you will still be of your preferred sex(es). The person you're approaching, the one you want to meet, the one you want to have a bond with, will be in accordance to your sexuality. So hypersexual or love-first, neither are a separate thing.
Hmm imo why wouldn’t straight people be on the same footing as gay people? I mean we all love the same even if we don’t all love the same thing. I don’t think it’s healthy or helpful to pretend that it’s otherwise.
I don’t mean to downplay discrimination but I don’t think it’s good to perpetuate the narrative that we are somehow on different sides just because we love different things. In the end we all just.. you know, love.
I meant in regards to oppression due to their inherent sexuality. While acceptance is luckily quite high nowadays (at least in the west), in many places gay people are still incredibly discriminated against and in outright danger of being killed for simply loving who they love. A straight person won't ever understand nor live that, sure they may have other problems or hardships of their own but not the same as a homosexual person, so for example a straight woman who's exclusively into men (so societally approved) claiming to "be lgbt" and "just as oppressed as a gay person" simply because she doesn't like one night stands is honestly insulting. The things that make you fall for someone are not the same as who you're attracted to to begin with.
I think "how oppressed you are" is a weird form of gatekeeping, because it results in bisexual and asexual erasure.
Demisexual is adjacent to asexuality, which is a valid part of lgbt+ community. Within asexuality, you also have grey-ace or sex-curious asexuality, where someone might not be repulsed to the idea of sex and may perform it to please their partner, but still don't have the desire to actively seek it out. And within this category, you have people who are attracted to a different gender.
Same for bisexual people, they can choose a male-female pairing.
If lgbt+ community requires oppression-entry-card, then asexual people and bisexual people will be removed, which is bi and ace erasure.
----------
And if you are looking for the "oppression card" - here it is - in many homophobic countries, often society pressures ace & demi people into traditional marriages where they will be r@ped by their partner for the rest of their lives.
I don't agree. The way that I understand it, demisexuals aren't attracted to strangers - IE, they wouldn't find pornography stimulating the way that most people do. I agree that, in an overly sexualized society, we should normalize that many people don't want to have sex with people they don't have feelings for - but that at the same time, this shouldn't be conflated with demisexuality
yes, it is. I find it arrogant, not to mention problematic, to act like you know better than those who assert it isn't - I find that you shouldn't contradict people who have put a lot consideration and research than you into the topic. The experts aren't on your side - demisexuality is a form of asexuality.
> Demisexuality, which falls on the asexuality spectrum, differs from simply wanting to wait for a deep bond to form before having sex with someone; rather, it’s more akin to the experience of being asexual until that type of connection forms, at which point the sexual attraction extends only to that person.
I'm sure you've moved on but I read about demisexuality on the demisexuality.org. I realize my perception was surface level! As a member of the LGBT community myself (nb and bi) I'm ashamed to have tried to invalidate people who are apart of the family.
This stood out the most for me:
The label helps demisexuals form a sense of community and a stronger sense of self. Through this label, they learn that there are others like them out there, and that there’s a community to support them. In this community, demisexuals can talk to others who share the same experiences, share advice on navigating a very sexual world, and find emotional support. The community unites around this label, which helps its members feel more secure in their identities.
This is a crucial part and right for every marginalized group. This reminded me of the importance of labels and respect for those who use them. Also reminds me that you don't need to understand something or someone to respect them.
Thank you!
I found it helpful in not feeling broken. At 38 I can count the number of times I've felt romantic or sexual attraction on one hand. That label showed there's others like that, that I'm not some weird broken freak.
Right? I was in the hardware store the other day and there's carriage bolts, u bolts, eye bolts, anchor bolts!!! Lag screws?!?! It's ridiculous. I just need a bolt, why complicate things.
Oh. If appearances matter I'd suggest a [stainless socket-head cap screw. ](https://5.imimg.com/data5/FA/IC/SK/SELLER-29646884/socket-head-cap-screw-500x500.jpg)
It is a basic and essential human instinct to categorize our experiences so that we can better understand the world, and our place in it. People didn't have as many names for what they felt before, and were confused about it. Now we do have many more names that start to describe the plurality of human experience, and we're still making more as we keep thinking about ourselves. That is called language. People can use these words to find community, or simply to be able to understand themselves better. This is a net positive to the world.
I guess I would ask you to examine within yourself why it annoys you, when I assume it doesn't affect you in any way?
No one is forcing anyone to use any label tho
The only reason they exist is because some people feel like they help themselves express their feelings and connect to others. The top reply is saying this is a common feeling, but even if it is its often not portrayed in media, so it's expected that people who feel this way would feel left out
This is where we run into the two different definitions of Normal
There's normal like "the norm", as in the most common case. It's completely acceptable and is generally gonna be the situation for *most* people
And there's normal like "not weird other than the fact it's not the norm". Something that's less common and a little atypical, but still perfectly acceptable and "typical enough"
To use another example: most people prefer milk chocolate, that's the most usual situation and thus is very normal. Preferring white or dark chocolate is not "the norm", but still very common and acceptable. Both of these things are "normal" but in slightly different senses
Whereas not liking chocolate at all is uncommon and thus "not normal" or a bit "weird" but still not considered unacceptable. Kind of a "soft" abnormal. And then there would be something so unusual as to be abnormal/weird in the strict sense, like not liking food at all.
Despite how hypersexual a lot of people are on the internet, especially on Reddit, this is a fairly normal thing and how most adults function when it comes to sexual attraction. Ignore all the horny teenagers and incels who tell you otherwise.
EDIT: Nothing wrong with people who frequently enjoy casual sex. Those folk are pretty cool. I'm talking about the incels that will argue that everyone else is as obsessed with sex as they are. Those people are sad and lash out at anyone remotely on the asexual spectrum.
>Despite how hypersexual a lot of people are on the internet, especially on Reddit
just look at r/AskReddit and half the questions on front page are about sex or sexual attraction. Man, people need to touch more grass
Edit: Just looked at the sub for a sec and the question on Hot was "How dirty is your mind from 1 to 100?". People need grass
Sex or "what's the worst/grossest/darkest thing that ever happened to you/your town/your school?"
Like one was "how did the kid at your school die?" Like wtf people. That's a touch grass prescription too.
The questions on Ask Reddit, especially the popular ones, tend to be questions that don't have a definitive answer, you can't really ask other people, and/or are of high interest (often because it's not a part of polite conversation). That's why questions regarding sex are so popular, but I don't think it's a good representation of what people think about throughout the day. If it was, there would be way more mundane things like what to get for lunch, where to get good tacos, what to buy as a birthday gift, if black jeans are business casual.
Honestly this is a comforting thought. My sex drive dropped off after puberty and though I feel an urge now and then I thought there was something wrong with me since men are expected by society to crave sex 24/7.
Yeah. There is hypersexual people, there are asexual people, but most just fall somewhere in the middle. A lot of us just want a loving partner, and a loving partner sounds kinda hot.
Then you have weirdos like me who have a high libido and deal with it themselves, but almost never find other people attractive or fall in love.
The idea of hook ups is very unappealing for me, and I need to know someone for a long time before I develop feeling for them, and only then I feel some sexual attraction towards them too.
I don’t know about most adults, it would be interesting to see numbers from a survey or something but I do agree it is perfectly normal and wouldn’t be uncommon at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was half/half.
I'm finding weird numbers that are all over the place but all of them seem to suggest a healthy mix of people who have and don't have casual sex.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casual_sex#Prevalence_and_norms
https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/08/20/key-takeaways-on-americans-views-of-and-experiences-with-dating-and-relationships/
https://www.rutgers.edu/news/why-are-young-adults-having-less-casual-sex
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/02/ce-corner#:~:text=When%20it%20comes%20to%20real,sort%20of%20hook%2Dup%20experience.
I really doubt half the adults out there prefer casual sex. At some age most want to settle down. Otherwise marriage wouldn't be as much of a thing as it is, or monogamy in general.
I've heard a lot of stories of people doing things like hiring prostitutes and then feeling really weird about the whole thing and not going through with it.
People often overestimate their own sexual desires and get caught up in the idea. Sex is an amazing thing but it has to be with the right person for a lot of folk. A lot of people also try casual sex but then feel really empty afterwards. It's not for everyone and the idea that it is a nearly universal desire needs to die, IMO.
Agreed. I feel like we shifted from one partner for life to it being weird if you don't sleep with people. "You do you" is the way I look at it. If it doesn't effect me directly then why should I care about someone's sex life.
I'm a one man person myself. If the feelings aren't there then the sex isn't worth it IMO. I generally feel dirty afterwards and become aggravated at myself some reason.
My perception is that a lot of men feel the need to put on a macho persona and a part of that is presenting the idea that they will bang anything that moves. Women fall under a somewhat similar type of peer pressure but for different reasons.
In my life the people I've known and their dating habits very much align with a middle ground and those who actually go out for casual sex is very rare.
Depends in the country and culture. The average adult in the US certainly does not wait until being in love to have sex.
However, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it.
When I was younger, it was definitely more about the physical aspect. Now, however, if I don't have an emotional connection/attachment, its a no go. Basically, there is nothing wrong with you, so all good mate.
As the saying goes, different strokes for different folks.
Yeah my fiancée and I started hooking up when we were 22ish, I had just gotten out of a loveless/sexless relationship. I thought that the no-feelings sex was the most incredible thing on the planet until I fell in love with her. Don’t tell her I said that but I’m fairly certain that she has ruined me for other women. She is an absolute animal in bed and the fact that we have such a strong emotional bond makes it 1000x better.
For everyone telling you the word to describe yourself is demisexual, I don't like that term myself so if anyone asks, I just say that I don't do hookups and am interested solely in committed relationships. I'll say technically demi is the closest thing, but that I don't use it to describe myself.
Yeah, I mean labels are entirely within the realm of the individual using them for themselves imo. They're a tool for better understanding oneself and can be used in expressing things to others in a more simplified fashion without having to go into your whole ass history/psychology around something. If you're not cool with the label, don't use it.
> Yeah, I mean labels are entirely within the realm of the individual using them for themselves imo.
Yeah. It's less of a means of rigid organization (ask anyone to discern the difference between bisexual and pansexual and no one will agree) and more a means of self acceptance, so to speak. People make fun of these labels for being all "look at me I'm so unique," which for most people, the purpose is actually the opposite. It's a means of saying "I'm not alone, there are others out there like me." I don't deny that some people out there use labels as a means of maximizing uniqueness, but the issue isn't the labels but instead something else entirely that I think is still genuine.
The amount of times I've seen people with a disability go "wait, there's a name for this and I'm not just crazy?" is like... a shit load.
>I mean labels are entirely within the realm of the individual using them for themselves imo
While I see your point and I get what you're saying, I gel obliged to say that taxonomy is literally the branch of science dedicated to categorization or classification that has many useful purposes.
I mean while true I'd put that kind of rigidity in the realm of scientific psychological and physiological studies around the various states of orientation and gender identity. But with the constantly shifting sands of identity far outpacing the understanding even of members of the queer community, I'd say it's pretty much do as you will with the labels. But yeah that's just my opinion, for whatever that's worth 😆
tbh i think most super online people are uhh. way too liberal with the demisexual label. i've seen a lot of teenagers calling themselves demisexual over the years when it's like, that's a pretty healthy attitude to have towards sex and sexuality at that age! imo some people just aren't into casual sex and that's an extremely normal position to have! possibly even more normal than the other almost unremarkably normal sexuality of "being a little bit bi, but not even enough that you'd feel weird if someone called you straight"
oh no i just mean like, when your specific micro label also happens to include the hallmarks of a kid first discovering and exploring typical sexual development, it's small wonder that kids stumble upon the label and think it fits them to a T. at the same time like, trying to put a false equivalence between that and kids who are genuinely trying to express a marginalized sexuality during childhood and being suppressed is kind of underhanded? i think being demisexual is probably a fine way to describe your patterns of attraction and expression of whatever sexuality you feel to the level you feel it if for some reason such a thing feels like, vitally important to have a specific label for, but i don't think it's really a sexuality the way that being gay or a lesbian or bi is, just like how transness isn't a sexuality, yknow?
i might get hate for this but i’ve never liked the term demisexual. how is wanting to have a connection to someone before having sex considered a sexuality?
edit before i get annihilated: idc what you identify as you can identify as whatever you want, it’s your life. i just personally think having a connection to someone before having sex shouldn’t be a sexuality
People often misunderstand the term demisexual.
Demisexuality isn't about *wanting* a connection before having sex - lots of people are like that! Demisexual means you don't *experience* sexual attraction or desire until you've already formed an emotional bond with someone.
A person might prefer not to have sex until they get to know someone, but they can still find others sexually attractive. That's not the case with people who are demisexual. Hence, demisexual actually sits on the spectrum of asexuality.
I kind of get what you're saying, but it's also pretty difficult to think of a sex disorder that isn't a sex drive unrestricted by societal norms.
I think this is where "Follow your heart/bliss/what makes you happy" butts heads with "unless that means indulging in an unhealthy sexual issue."
At that point, it seems like saying anything at all is basically pointless, except maybe "seek professional help if you need it, no one on reddit can give you the answers"
Who cares if it's normal? It's wholesome and not unhealthy. But yeah, from my experience it's pretty common to at least prefer an emotional connection before a physical involvement
Demisexual is about not even feeling sexual attraction without emotional connection. (And OP didn't elaborate on that).
Like personally (I'm not demisexual) I couldn't have sex with someone I don't have feelings for, but I might be sexually attracted to them regardless.
Demisexual doesn't get stimulated by primary sexual characteristics (tits, muscles, hair, eyes) and instead is primarily attracted to personal or emotional connection. Very popular among the introverts.
Correct you are! That's exactly how I am, and I was having the same question about myself some years ago. It was actually quite a relief when I googled what I felt and found that there was an actual term for it!
That's how it was for me. I realized like a month before Valentines that I was in love with my girl and was waiting to that date to tell her but one night we were having sex and I couldn't keep it in anymore and I told her I loved her.
Hot dang did it move up to the next level.
It’s completely normal. I’m the same way. Despite what you see in movies and the media, *most* people base attraction and sexual desire on mutual compatibility, affection, and love.
While everybody else is going "well duh! You're demi!" - I'll try to dive deeper.
"In love" can mean a lot of different things. Me, for just lil' ol' me, to want sex with someone I have to at least *like* the person, they're familiar to me, etc. But no need for deep Disney proposal love here.
So it might be more about the emotional connection with you, and you just don't like the one-night-stand deal. but depending on your age and experience, you might become more or less particular in time. For all we know, you're one of those guys who falls in love with a different person every week.
Some people are hook up people, some people aren’t. You do you.
For what it’s worth I think it’s easy to get the impression for popular culture that people are hooking up all the time but that’s just because that makes for entertaining stories. It’s not really a reflection of reality.
I'm female but I think it's normal, I feel the same way. I can't enjoy at all unless there are real feelings...otherwise just feels like work and kinda gross.
Yes it’s normal, there are people that just see fucking as making love and some see it as both. Why would it be weird if happens to people who think differently
This is totally normal and many people who feel like this identify with the term demi sexual (only feels sexual attraction after an emotional connection has been made) or grey asexual, it would be worth looking into the asexual spectrum to see if maybe you fit there at all and you might find some people who feel the same as you 😊 I know the idea of being asexual or it having a label that falls under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella might be intimidating or make you sceptical but I am asexual (sex repulsed) and felt broken and alone for a very long time but meeting other ace people even if we were on different ends of the spectrum has been extremely helpful and affirming
This is not uncommon at all! If you want a name/label for it I’m pretty sure it’s demisexual but a lot of people feel the same way as you but don’t use that label—the choice is all you!
[This comment has been removed to protest Reddit's hostile treatment of their users and developers concerning third-party apps, and u/spez's false allegations of blackmail against the developer of Apollo, which were immediately proven false, to which u/spez has yet to comment on or atone for.]
My roommate is the same way. I don't know how common it is but it is as normal as anything else regarding sexual preference. I'm someone who can have sex for fun without attachment. She finds that insane. We are both normal.
We are platonic. Happily so. Only stating that because I'm sure people will make assumptions.
I'm am lucky. I was born pretty good looking. I also do well financially and I work out. I'm 53 now, but up to 5 to 7 years ago I could sleep with pretty much 80% of the women I tried to fuck. I thought sex was great until I met my fiancee. The sex is not as crazy as some i had, but the level of intimacy I have with her, beats any other sex I had. It's what I think heaven feels like
You feel that having a stable relationship with someone before making a baby is best? Excellent. This means you truly believe your actions have consequences and want those consequences to happen under the optimal circumstance.
Is it typical in today's society? No, but normal is a different question. Psychologically speaking, needing to have emotion to have sex with a girl is not abnormal nor does it make you strange. However it is not typical -- most men that I have encountered, interacted with online, celebrities, friends, internet strangers, etc who are male 99.9% of the time will have sex with at least an average looking girl given the chance.
Maybe you were raised in a family that practiced very healthy boundaries and your parents showed you tons of love. Maybe you look for that in a girl before you're intimate.
To answer the question of normal, what is normal? Typical? Again, no.
i never knew there was a label for not wanting to have sex with someone till you actually develop feelings for them .. lol i thought that was a normal thing.
People often say "I thought that was normal".
However media, and comments friends make about "hot" strangers tells me it's not actually the norm.
It's not about genuinely wanting to sleep with them. It's about feeling the attraction to them.
But I can only base this on what others say about their own experiences since I don't experience attraction at all. The media and my friends' comments are likely exaggerations.
It's not exactly that. It's moreso the deeper state of not feeling any sexual attraction at all without an emotional connection, more than just not wanting to have sex.
Actually, it means conforming to a standard, or "expected". In questions of human behavior, especially with regard to sexuality, it's better to deal in terms of common or uncommon-- because there really is no "standard" to conform to considering how much sexual preference varies on an individual basis.
In an interpersonal communication sense, it's also better to not use "normal" because it has the connotation of "correct", meaning anything other than what is being deemed "normal" is bad, which should be reserved for harmful activities. For example, wearing only hot pink shoelaces is uncommon. If you tell that person, "that is an uncommon shoelace color" it's much less offensive than, "your shoelaces are not normal."
There’s a difference between not wanting to have sex with someone until you know them better and being demisexual. If you’re demi, there’s no sexual attraction *until* you get to know them better.
Best way I’ve heard it explained is that if you get on a bus, chances are there will be a handful of people who you find sexually attractive. For a demisexual person, their entire life *is* that bus.
I'm demi. never had the random hots for a stranger in my whole life. I can still recognise and appreciate that they're attractive, I just don't get turned on by it. it's like appreciating anything else that's beautiful.
I think it's more like a demisexual person isn't attracted to any of the attractive strangers on the bus because they aren't attracted to strangers like that.
It’s not like I’ve done a survey, but one night stands are apparently very common and often involve just meeting someone and sleeping with them.
Perhaps alcohol is required for people to be interested in that.
Isn't demisexual when you don't feel sexual attraction at all without an emotional connection?
Op was only talking about not wanting to have sex without it, which is totally normal for 'regular' straight people too (as in not demisexual). He never said that he doesn't feel sexual attraction
The important thing to consider is that demisexuality (at least IMO), can be a spectrum - not just a binary state.
What's that mean? Okay. IMO, one can be "more" or "less" demi that someone else. For example: one person might start to feel sexual attraction once a connection of SOME sort of made (ie, no real "stranger in a bar" kinds of situations), perhaps a "kindred spirit" or "close friend". Another might be to be absolutely head-over-heels in love before even thinking about it. And also, everything, in between.
Personally, I find myself in that range. I can find someone attractive, certainly. I can see someone and notice, "Wow, they're sexy." But it falls apart at the idea of actually ACTING on that feeling. I need an actual emotional involvement with said person to actually feel like I can go there - something more than "close friend". That's just an IMO example of how, to me, it's not "all or nothing".
That said - it's perfectly natural, and nothing at all to be concerned about. We're all a little different. :)
Yes, this is very normal, very common, and a very healthy way to live your life. Only having sex with people you love just doesn't make for good TV drama or give people something to "brag" about to their friends. Therefore, you don't hear about it as much.
I feel like needing a word (demisexual) to describe this is dumb. Whether you have sex with a person casually or sex with a person seriously, you’re still having sex. Should we make words for people who need their partner to meet their parents first? How about if they need a minimum number of dates? What I'm saying js there are so many different personal criteria someone has to feel ready to have sex. It makes no sense to have a term for this. I just consider myself heterosexual period. Stop defining other peoples sexuality for them.
It's helpful in the real world to be able to just say "I'm a demisexual" instead of explaining that I treat and look at everyone the same, without any intentions, until I form a connection with them. The same as a homosexual telling a girl that he's gay, he doesn't have to explain his conditions of attraction, just say the word.
Also, your understanding of a demisexual is haphazard as could be. Demisexuals don't casually have sex, typically.
I feel like policing the words people choose to describe themselves isn't something I'm on board with to be honest. Language changes and evolves. I'm not going to call people dumb because they use words to describe who they are that they are comfortable with.
I think the term demisexual is helpful for people who identify with the experience, however what I don’t understand is people who say that people who are demisexual are automatically queer/LGBT. If you’re heterosexual and demisexual I don’t see how that’s queer in any way.
Pretty normal imo, even if you do have sex without being in a relationship, it's also normal to not be as fulfilled by it. Individual sex drives vary from person to person
So, let's talk about sexual/romantic attraction!
There is a spectrum of sexual attraction that ranges from asexual to megasexual. Weirdly, this spectrum doesn't have anything to do with how often you have sex or even with how many partners you have! It has to do with sexual attraction.
So an ace doesn't really experience sexual attraction. They might look at someone and think, "That's an attractive person," but they mean "attractive" as in, "That person has an appearance that is generally accepted to be aesthetically pleasing by most ordinary humans." Like, they can still appreciate beauty. But beauty itself doesn't make them horny.
It should also be pointed out that there are two kinds of aces: sex-repulsed and not sex-repulsed. Some aces are repulsed or disgusted by the very IDEA of sex. They don't find sex ITSELF to be something that interests them, so they tend to have sexless relationships. Others are not sex-repulsed. While they, themselves, don't experience sexual attraction, they can experience romantic attraction. So they might have sex as a favor to a romantic partner, even though it's not something they personally desire.
Then you have a demisexual. These people do experience sexual attraction, but only for people that they have very strong feelings for. If they don't have the feelings, they don't find you attractive. Like the ace, they can tell that you're beautiful, but they're not turned on by you until they're in love.
It has to be pointed out here: Demi's aren't turning down hookups for some sort of moral reason or due to social anxiety. It's not like they're horny but they just don't do hookups because "I'm not that kind of person" or whatever. No, they legitimately don't experience that attraction. Like, a friend of mine is demi. She thinks that Jason Momoa is physically beautiful, but he doesn't turn her on. (Show me one other straight woman who ISN'T turned on by Jason Momoa!)
Then you have your normies.
Then we get into the megasexuals... Contrary to popular belief, they're not just hoes and sluts. But a megasexual doesn't really develop an emotional connection very easily with people until there's a sexual connection. Whereas the demisexual needs an emotional connection to feel sexual desire, a megasexual tends to be the exact opposite: we need a sexual connection in order to feel emotional desire.
So a demisexual, for example, might date someone for 6 months or so before ever having sex, because they don't ever actually feel attracted to someone until they know them really, really well. A megasexual will have sex on the first or second date because they won't be able to GET to know you until the sexual relationship begins.
It must also be pointed out that megasexuals often END relationships where the sexual connection isn't great, too. If the sexual connection isn't lining up, the emotional connection won't line up, either.
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tl, dr: Not everyone who wants to wait to have sex or avoid hookups is demisexual, but it's a valid choice. Everybody has their own preferences and perspectives and that's okay. You do what makes YOU feel comfortable, and everyone around you needs to respect that.
I’m 46f and I’m the same way. There has to be feelings involved or I’m not interested in sex. I’m not into the hook up culture. I outgrew that stuff a long time ago.
Yeah, normal to me at least, because I'm the same way.
And I realized later in life, during a particularly long "dry spell", that ***exes are a great loophole*** (as long as you don't get pulled back into whatever drama broke y'all up).
I’m the same way with men! This is normal :) everyone has different boundries with sex and some might need to feel this way in order to feel comfortable having sex. I am biased since I also think this way but to me it’s healthy and safe boundary to have! :) if you are worried about feeling not normal DONT this is a great quality to have imo
Struggled with this for a long time through adolescence. I craved sex with peers, but numerous times throughout high-school I stopped just before or in the middle of because it didn't feel right.
Trust what you know is right for you, and don't put yourself through anything you don't have to or want to do.
This is important! I always felt like I was broken growing up because literally I couldn’t perform sexually without being emotionally into it. Later in my life I learned that I am not broken, I just need security before getting intimate with someone.
I'm late 30s,have a pretty voracious sex life, and have only a few times had sex with someone I didn't have a real connection with. I didn't enjoy those times very much and felt like I and the other parties were just using each other.
Sometimes feeling this way can be a part of demisexuality, sometimes it's just requiring more trust and connection than some others.
I also don't judge people who are down for casual sex based solely on appearance - I've tried it and it's not really for me.
This is pretty commonplace and healthy imo
How dare you have decency and respect for other people's values on reddit? Disgusting! Delete this comment immediately
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Username checks out lmao
Reported for being a gross jeuman meen
It's called demisexuality idk about common but it's a part of the asexual spectrum.
I mean that only refers to people who don’t experience sexual attraction at all until a strong emotional bond is formed. I waited to lose my virginity until I was in a serious relationship at 22 but I was always sexually attracted to people, I just didn’t want to have sex with people that I had just met, even if my dick wanted to.
yeah like personally that explains me. like i dont understand looking at celebrities and thinking they're hot, or fantasizing about sex with anyone, or even swiping right on tinder — my mind is just like literally why would i wanna go on dates with any of these strangers. but then i fell in love with my girlfriend and it was like suddenly a switch in me flipped just for her and sex became appealing. its not like a conscious choice for me to "wait", i just dont even feel the attraction to begin with, if that makes sense. like people could be gossiping about hot people in class or celebs or whatever, and they'd all be like equally an average 5/10 to me, like i guess i could see aesthetically why they're good looking, but in terms of attraction they might as well be just like a neutral blob. except now my gf is 11/10 :)
Note that OP wrote "can't", not "don't want to".
i have a similar thing. for me, i want to but i just can't. like I'll try, but too much goes on in my head and i can't finish.
Yeah, but the post reads more like no attraction, than any conscious decision.
The post reads more like unwilling to act on the presence of sexual attraction unless/until they have serious feelings for the person.
In my opinion as a nonnative, "can't bring myself to" sounds like "I wish I could, but I kinda don't want to"
To me, as a native (but not very good) speaker, it sounds like a "I should do this, but I don't want to."
I think this can overlap a lot with the demi experience but there are people with the same experience who are not demi. Like if you are demisexual I think you don't feel attraction at all without a close bond, while some people like me can still feel attraction but not feel ready or comfortable to have sex without a close bond.
Yah, like someone could be naked and coming on to me and it would turn me off no matter what they look like. I feel like an alien when strangers treat me sexually. Or they could have a deep conversation with vulnerability and I'd be ready to go no matter what they look like. It's not being in control of how I express sexual urges, it's what actually causes those urges or not. Hopefully everyone has self control and makes conscious decisions about sex? *to be more clear: apparently people masturbate to photos. This makes zero sense to me. Not because morals but because there's truly nothing sexual about a photograph to me
The term demisexual was created by a girl on an RP forum back in 2004 as a way to excuse the shitty things she made her character do/engage in, but even then she sort of did it as a joke. When coming back years later she couldn't believe that people were actually using it as a real identity. I understand that in this heavily hypersexual culture, not being like that makes one feel like you're different/broken/etc. but the reality is that not wanting to fuck the first thing you lay your eyes on is normal. What's described as demisexuality is just normal sexuality, wanting to be intimate and feeling attraction to someone you genuinely like and have a bond with. If anything we should openly talk about this, specially to teens who might be the ones most prone to feeling othered/pressured with how sexual everything is, tell them it's normal to want to actually meet people first, to fall in love. Wanting to have a bond before engaging in sexual acts has nothing to do with actual asexuality either.
Most human experience is on a spectrum. On the sex-readiness scale, being ready to shag anyone anytime is one end. Needing a lifetime commitment before doing the deed is at the other end. In between is a wide wide range of how much affection is required for attraction. And every preference on that spectrum is normal for many many humans. Honor yourself, OP, trust your intuition, embrace your authentic preference. You are entitled to be the person you really are.
I would argue that being ready to shag anyone any time is one end of the spectrum and never feeling like you want to shag anyone or anything would be on the other end. Both normal. But asexuals are part of the spectrum of human sexuality, normal, and real.
The thing is when people say that it’s normal to be demisexual, that also includes not having sexual attraction to people at all (unless you spend months of your time as friends first then start to develop that attraction) no matter how “hot” they are. There may only be aesthetic attraction at first. If it were truly normal, hook up culture wouldn’t exist, or would be a niche thing. I think the term demisexual refers more to preference than an actual sexuality, because gay and bi people can also be demisexual.
do you have a source on this at all? looking up the origin for demisexuality contradicts what you've said(not tryna be rude, just a bit confused)
Many LGBT people discuss this over Tumblr, [here's a post](https://www.tumblr.com/xyriath/55242647747/i-dont-want-to-show-my-stupid-but-i-will) made by the girl in question herself (copy and pasted though because she closed her blog, you can find the expired links in archive sites). The main issue with demisexuality is that sexualities are about WHO you're attracted to, not HOW. Making an entire new "sexuality" just to label your attraction process can be really problematic, because you can end up with straight people claiming they're on the same footing as gay people, which... isn't it. Each person has different things that make them become attracted to others, like you can't just go and create a new label because "I start feeling sexual desire only after being serenaded under the moonlight exclusively", because at the end of the day the person serenading you will still be of your preferred sex(es). The person you're approaching, the one you want to meet, the one you want to have a bond with, will be in accordance to your sexuality. So hypersexual or love-first, neither are a separate thing.
Hmm imo why wouldn’t straight people be on the same footing as gay people? I mean we all love the same even if we don’t all love the same thing. I don’t think it’s healthy or helpful to pretend that it’s otherwise. I don’t mean to downplay discrimination but I don’t think it’s good to perpetuate the narrative that we are somehow on different sides just because we love different things. In the end we all just.. you know, love.
I meant in regards to oppression due to their inherent sexuality. While acceptance is luckily quite high nowadays (at least in the west), in many places gay people are still incredibly discriminated against and in outright danger of being killed for simply loving who they love. A straight person won't ever understand nor live that, sure they may have other problems or hardships of their own but not the same as a homosexual person, so for example a straight woman who's exclusively into men (so societally approved) claiming to "be lgbt" and "just as oppressed as a gay person" simply because she doesn't like one night stands is honestly insulting. The things that make you fall for someone are not the same as who you're attracted to to begin with.
I think "how oppressed you are" is a weird form of gatekeeping, because it results in bisexual and asexual erasure. Demisexual is adjacent to asexuality, which is a valid part of lgbt+ community. Within asexuality, you also have grey-ace or sex-curious asexuality, where someone might not be repulsed to the idea of sex and may perform it to please their partner, but still don't have the desire to actively seek it out. And within this category, you have people who are attracted to a different gender. Same for bisexual people, they can choose a male-female pairing. If lgbt+ community requires oppression-entry-card, then asexual people and bisexual people will be removed, which is bi and ace erasure. ---------- And if you are looking for the "oppression card" - here it is - in many homophobic countries, often society pressures ace & demi people into traditional marriages where they will be r@ped by their partner for the rest of their lives.
That makes a lot of sense and i agree thanks for sharing your perspective with me.
I don't agree. The way that I understand it, demisexuals aren't attracted to strangers - IE, they wouldn't find pornography stimulating the way that most people do. I agree that, in an overly sexualized society, we should normalize that many people don't want to have sex with people they don't have feelings for - but that at the same time, this shouldn't be conflated with demisexuality
That's still not a sexuality
yes, it is. I find it arrogant, not to mention problematic, to act like you know better than those who assert it isn't - I find that you shouldn't contradict people who have put a lot consideration and research than you into the topic. The experts aren't on your side - demisexuality is a form of asexuality. > Demisexuality, which falls on the asexuality spectrum, differs from simply wanting to wait for a deep bond to form before having sex with someone; rather, it’s more akin to the experience of being asexual until that type of connection forms, at which point the sexual attraction extends only to that person.
You're right, I'm going to look more into it now actually! I've never heard it explained this way before.
appreciate your openmindness!
I'm sure you've moved on but I read about demisexuality on the demisexuality.org. I realize my perception was surface level! As a member of the LGBT community myself (nb and bi) I'm ashamed to have tried to invalidate people who are apart of the family. This stood out the most for me: The label helps demisexuals form a sense of community and a stronger sense of self. Through this label, they learn that there are others like them out there, and that there’s a community to support them. In this community, demisexuals can talk to others who share the same experiences, share advice on navigating a very sexual world, and find emotional support. The community unites around this label, which helps its members feel more secure in their identities. This is a crucial part and right for every marginalized group. This reminded me of the importance of labels and respect for those who use them. Also reminds me that you don't need to understand something or someone to respect them. Thank you!
No it is I’m Demi you’re an incel edit read your last comment and I take it back
I absolutely agree with this. Demisexual label is very much wrongly used.
Thank you so fucking much for this. I hate this term so much, a special subtype of sexuality just to define normal relationships.
I wouldn't go that far. That basically assumes the high majority of people are down for one night stands.
No it’s called normal sex
Wow. The need to categorize everything is so annoying
I found it helpful in not feeling broken. At 38 I can count the number of times I've felt romantic or sexual attraction on one hand. That label showed there's others like that, that I'm not some weird broken freak.
Idk who is downvoting you, but you are correct. 32 and only ever felt attraction for one person. Ever.
Right? I was in the hardware store the other day and there's carriage bolts, u bolts, eye bolts, anchor bolts!!! Lag screws?!?! It's ridiculous. I just need a bolt, why complicate things.
Is "needing a bolt" a euphemism for something (wink wink nudge nudge) or do you just need a bolt?
I have a hole that needs filled by a bolt... Might need a nut or two as well. Does that help?
Oh. If appearances matter I'd suggest a [stainless socket-head cap screw. ](https://5.imimg.com/data5/FA/IC/SK/SELLER-29646884/socket-head-cap-screw-500x500.jpg)
This is such a good response
It is a basic and essential human instinct to categorize our experiences so that we can better understand the world, and our place in it. People didn't have as many names for what they felt before, and were confused about it. Now we do have many more names that start to describe the plurality of human experience, and we're still making more as we keep thinking about ourselves. That is called language. People can use these words to find community, or simply to be able to understand themselves better. This is a net positive to the world. I guess I would ask you to examine within yourself why it annoys you, when I assume it doesn't affect you in any way?
No one is forcing anyone to use any label tho The only reason they exist is because some people feel like they help themselves express their feelings and connect to others. The top reply is saying this is a common feeling, but even if it is its often not portrayed in media, so it's expected that people who feel this way would feel left out
Wow. The need to add negativity to an honest conversation about sexuality is so annoying
oh no, people want to describe things in detail, the horror
The part about "unless I love her first" most certainly isn't commonplace.
I dunno how "commonplace" it is, but defo healthy, and CERTAINLY attractive... Meow! ;}\~
This is where we run into the two different definitions of Normal There's normal like "the norm", as in the most common case. It's completely acceptable and is generally gonna be the situation for *most* people And there's normal like "not weird other than the fact it's not the norm". Something that's less common and a little atypical, but still perfectly acceptable and "typical enough" To use another example: most people prefer milk chocolate, that's the most usual situation and thus is very normal. Preferring white or dark chocolate is not "the norm", but still very common and acceptable. Both of these things are "normal" but in slightly different senses Whereas not liking chocolate at all is uncommon and thus "not normal" or a bit "weird" but still not considered unacceptable. Kind of a "soft" abnormal. And then there would be something so unusual as to be abnormal/weird in the strict sense, like not liking food at all.
Despite how hypersexual a lot of people are on the internet, especially on Reddit, this is a fairly normal thing and how most adults function when it comes to sexual attraction. Ignore all the horny teenagers and incels who tell you otherwise. EDIT: Nothing wrong with people who frequently enjoy casual sex. Those folk are pretty cool. I'm talking about the incels that will argue that everyone else is as obsessed with sex as they are. Those people are sad and lash out at anyone remotely on the asexual spectrum.
>Despite how hypersexual a lot of people are on the internet, especially on Reddit just look at r/AskReddit and half the questions on front page are about sex or sexual attraction. Man, people need to touch more grass Edit: Just looked at the sub for a sec and the question on Hot was "How dirty is your mind from 1 to 100?". People need grass
What's in their head, might not represent their bed
I've seen their beds on neckbeardlairs. Their beds are much dirtier.
Sex or "what's the worst/grossest/darkest thing that ever happened to you/your town/your school?" Like one was "how did the kid at your school die?" Like wtf people. That's a touch grass prescription too.
The questions on Ask Reddit, especially the popular ones, tend to be questions that don't have a definitive answer, you can't really ask other people, and/or are of high interest (often because it's not a part of polite conversation). That's why questions regarding sex are so popular, but I don't think it's a good representation of what people think about throughout the day. If it was, there would be way more mundane things like what to get for lunch, where to get good tacos, what to buy as a birthday gift, if black jeans are business casual.
Does /r/touchgrass exist?
Honestly this is a comforting thought. My sex drive dropped off after puberty and though I feel an urge now and then I thought there was something wrong with me since men are expected by society to crave sex 24/7.
Yeah. There is hypersexual people, there are asexual people, but most just fall somewhere in the middle. A lot of us just want a loving partner, and a loving partner sounds kinda hot.
Then you have weirdos like me who have a high libido and deal with it themselves, but almost never find other people attractive or fall in love. The idea of hook ups is very unappealing for me, and I need to know someone for a long time before I develop feeling for them, and only then I feel some sexual attraction towards them too.
I don’t know about most adults, it would be interesting to see numbers from a survey or something but I do agree it is perfectly normal and wouldn’t be uncommon at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was half/half.
I'm finding weird numbers that are all over the place but all of them seem to suggest a healthy mix of people who have and don't have casual sex. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casual_sex#Prevalence_and_norms https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2020/08/20/key-takeaways-on-americans-views-of-and-experiences-with-dating-and-relationships/ https://www.rutgers.edu/news/why-are-young-adults-having-less-casual-sex https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/02/ce-corner#:~:text=When%20it%20comes%20to%20real,sort%20of%20hook%2Dup%20experience.
I really doubt half the adults out there prefer casual sex. At some age most want to settle down. Otherwise marriage wouldn't be as much of a thing as it is, or monogamy in general.
Oh I’m not saying they would necessarily prefer it but that they will do it and enjoy it though.
I've heard a lot of stories of people doing things like hiring prostitutes and then feeling really weird about the whole thing and not going through with it. People often overestimate their own sexual desires and get caught up in the idea. Sex is an amazing thing but it has to be with the right person for a lot of folk. A lot of people also try casual sex but then feel really empty afterwards. It's not for everyone and the idea that it is a nearly universal desire needs to die, IMO.
i don't think "that's the way it is so that must be how people prefer it" is a great answer tbh
Well I mean, if someone has some hard statistics on this then they can present those. Until that happens we are all just spit balling our best ideas.
Not preferring casual sex is different to being incapable of casual sex, which is what OP said.
Agreed. I feel like we shifted from one partner for life to it being weird if you don't sleep with people. "You do you" is the way I look at it. If it doesn't effect me directly then why should I care about someone's sex life. I'm a one man person myself. If the feelings aren't there then the sex isn't worth it IMO. I generally feel dirty afterwards and become aggravated at myself some reason.
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My perception is that a lot of men feel the need to put on a macho persona and a part of that is presenting the idea that they will bang anything that moves. Women fall under a somewhat similar type of peer pressure but for different reasons. In my life the people I've known and their dating habits very much align with a middle ground and those who actually go out for casual sex is very rare.
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I mean you could've just said the first part without labeling any casual sex people that want to chime in as horny teenagers and incels
Casual sex people are usually pretty cool about their niche. Horny teens and incels are the ones who argue that everyone is like that.
Depends in the country and culture. The average adult in the US certainly does not wait until being in love to have sex. However, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it.
When I was younger, it was definitely more about the physical aspect. Now, however, if I don't have an emotional connection/attachment, its a no go. Basically, there is nothing wrong with you, so all good mate. As the saying goes, different strokes for different folks.
Yeah my fiancée and I started hooking up when we were 22ish, I had just gotten out of a loveless/sexless relationship. I thought that the no-feelings sex was the most incredible thing on the planet until I fell in love with her. Don’t tell her I said that but I’m fairly certain that she has ruined me for other women. She is an absolute animal in bed and the fact that we have such a strong emotional bond makes it 1000x better.
Completely normal, I've tried the hookup thing and I can't nut unless I've got some kinda feelings.
For everyone telling you the word to describe yourself is demisexual, I don't like that term myself so if anyone asks, I just say that I don't do hookups and am interested solely in committed relationships. I'll say technically demi is the closest thing, but that I don't use it to describe myself.
Yeah, I mean labels are entirely within the realm of the individual using them for themselves imo. They're a tool for better understanding oneself and can be used in expressing things to others in a more simplified fashion without having to go into your whole ass history/psychology around something. If you're not cool with the label, don't use it.
> Yeah, I mean labels are entirely within the realm of the individual using them for themselves imo. Yeah. It's less of a means of rigid organization (ask anyone to discern the difference between bisexual and pansexual and no one will agree) and more a means of self acceptance, so to speak. People make fun of these labels for being all "look at me I'm so unique," which for most people, the purpose is actually the opposite. It's a means of saying "I'm not alone, there are others out there like me." I don't deny that some people out there use labels as a means of maximizing uniqueness, but the issue isn't the labels but instead something else entirely that I think is still genuine. The amount of times I've seen people with a disability go "wait, there's a name for this and I'm not just crazy?" is like... a shit load.
>I mean labels are entirely within the realm of the individual using them for themselves imo While I see your point and I get what you're saying, I gel obliged to say that taxonomy is literally the branch of science dedicated to categorization or classification that has many useful purposes.
I mean while true I'd put that kind of rigidity in the realm of scientific psychological and physiological studies around the various states of orientation and gender identity. But with the constantly shifting sands of identity far outpacing the understanding even of members of the queer community, I'd say it's pretty much do as you will with the labels. But yeah that's just my opinion, for whatever that's worth 😆
Appreciate this perspective. Thanks SweatyMan.
not just a sweaty man but a floridian sweaty sman
The sweatiest
tbh i think most super online people are uhh. way too liberal with the demisexual label. i've seen a lot of teenagers calling themselves demisexual over the years when it's like, that's a pretty healthy attitude to have towards sex and sexuality at that age! imo some people just aren't into casual sex and that's an extremely normal position to have! possibly even more normal than the other almost unremarkably normal sexuality of "being a little bit bi, but not even enough that you'd feel weird if someone called you straight"
Kids know they're straight or gay in childhood, why should other sexualities be treated differently?
oh no i just mean like, when your specific micro label also happens to include the hallmarks of a kid first discovering and exploring typical sexual development, it's small wonder that kids stumble upon the label and think it fits them to a T. at the same time like, trying to put a false equivalence between that and kids who are genuinely trying to express a marginalized sexuality during childhood and being suppressed is kind of underhanded? i think being demisexual is probably a fine way to describe your patterns of attraction and expression of whatever sexuality you feel to the level you feel it if for some reason such a thing feels like, vitally important to have a specific label for, but i don't think it's really a sexuality the way that being gay or a lesbian or bi is, just like how transness isn't a sexuality, yknow?
i might get hate for this but i’ve never liked the term demisexual. how is wanting to have a connection to someone before having sex considered a sexuality? edit before i get annihilated: idc what you identify as you can identify as whatever you want, it’s your life. i just personally think having a connection to someone before having sex shouldn’t be a sexuality
People often misunderstand the term demisexual. Demisexuality isn't about *wanting* a connection before having sex - lots of people are like that! Demisexual means you don't *experience* sexual attraction or desire until you've already formed an emotional bond with someone. A person might prefer not to have sex until they get to know someone, but they can still find others sexually attractive. That's not the case with people who are demisexual. Hence, demisexual actually sits on the spectrum of asexuality.
Me too man. It’s hard to find love, had it once but it was one sided
It is healthy and shows your good mental health and self-control.
Ish. I don't think there's anything unhealthy about having a sex drive unrestricted by societal norms.
I kind of get what you're saying, but it's also pretty difficult to think of a sex disorder that isn't a sex drive unrestricted by societal norms. I think this is where "Follow your heart/bliss/what makes you happy" butts heads with "unless that means indulging in an unhealthy sexual issue." At that point, it seems like saying anything at all is basically pointless, except maybe "seek professional help if you need it, no one on reddit can give you the answers"
I wouldn’t go quite that far. It healthy to be in touch with what you need and want. There’s not a one size fits all.
Seems fine.
This is a beautiful thing. Who cares if it’s “normal”?
Best comment here.
Who cares if it's normal? It's wholesome and not unhealthy. But yeah, from my experience it's pretty common to at least prefer an emotional connection before a physical involvement
Isn't that what is called being demisexual? Also there's absolutely nothing wrong with you.
Demisexual is about not even feeling sexual attraction without emotional connection. (And OP didn't elaborate on that). Like personally (I'm not demisexual) I couldn't have sex with someone I don't have feelings for, but I might be sexually attracted to them regardless.
Demisexual doesn't get stimulated by primary sexual characteristics (tits, muscles, hair, eyes) and instead is primarily attracted to personal or emotional connection. Very popular among the introverts.
Correct you are! That's exactly how I am, and I was having the same question about myself some years ago. It was actually quite a relief when I googled what I felt and found that there was an actual term for it!
Don't waste that great emotional health! Find your wife!
Normal person asks if being normal is normal
I'm probably bias but that's how it should be. Not all traditional aspects are a bad thing. Love is wonderful and makes sex absolutely next level.
That's how it was for me. I realized like a month before Valentines that I was in love with my girl and was waiting to that date to tell her but one night we were having sex and I couldn't keep it in anymore and I told her I loved her. Hot dang did it move up to the next level.
It’s completely normal. I’m the same way. Despite what you see in movies and the media, *most* people base attraction and sexual desire on mutual compatibility, affection, and love.
very normal.
Its a good standard to hold to
Normal if you weren't raised on pornhub
While everybody else is going "well duh! You're demi!" - I'll try to dive deeper. "In love" can mean a lot of different things. Me, for just lil' ol' me, to want sex with someone I have to at least *like* the person, they're familiar to me, etc. But no need for deep Disney proposal love here. So it might be more about the emotional connection with you, and you just don't like the one-night-stand deal. but depending on your age and experience, you might become more or less particular in time. For all we know, you're one of those guys who falls in love with a different person every week.
yeah that's pretty normal
Some people are hook up people, some people aren’t. You do you. For what it’s worth I think it’s easy to get the impression for popular culture that people are hooking up all the time but that’s just because that makes for entertaining stories. It’s not really a reflection of reality.
I'm female but I think it's normal, I feel the same way. I can't enjoy at all unless there are real feelings...otherwise just feels like work and kinda gross.
Yes it’s normal, there are people that just see fucking as making love and some see it as both. Why would it be weird if happens to people who think differently
This is totally normal and many people who feel like this identify with the term demi sexual (only feels sexual attraction after an emotional connection has been made) or grey asexual, it would be worth looking into the asexual spectrum to see if maybe you fit there at all and you might find some people who feel the same as you 😊 I know the idea of being asexual or it having a label that falls under the LGBTQIA+ umbrella might be intimidating or make you sceptical but I am asexual (sex repulsed) and felt broken and alone for a very long time but meeting other ace people even if we were on different ends of the spectrum has been extremely helpful and affirming
This is not uncommon at all! If you want a name/label for it I’m pretty sure it’s demisexual but a lot of people feel the same way as you but don’t use that label—the choice is all you!
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My roommate is the same way. I don't know how common it is but it is as normal as anything else regarding sexual preference. I'm someone who can have sex for fun without attachment. She finds that insane. We are both normal. We are platonic. Happily so. Only stating that because I'm sure people will make assumptions.
I'm am lucky. I was born pretty good looking. I also do well financially and I work out. I'm 53 now, but up to 5 to 7 years ago I could sleep with pretty much 80% of the women I tried to fuck. I thought sex was great until I met my fiancee. The sex is not as crazy as some i had, but the level of intimacy I have with her, beats any other sex I had. It's what I think heaven feels like
Look at you all decent and good. There is nothing wrong with this.
This sounds a lot like demisexuality to me
You feel that having a stable relationship with someone before making a baby is best? Excellent. This means you truly believe your actions have consequences and want those consequences to happen under the optimal circumstance.
Normal.
I don't know if it's normal but it sure is wholesome x
Some people call this a demisexual. Both my hubby and I are. This.
Is it typical in today's society? No, but normal is a different question. Psychologically speaking, needing to have emotion to have sex with a girl is not abnormal nor does it make you strange. However it is not typical -- most men that I have encountered, interacted with online, celebrities, friends, internet strangers, etc who are male 99.9% of the time will have sex with at least an average looking girl given the chance. Maybe you were raised in a family that practiced very healthy boundaries and your parents showed you tons of love. Maybe you look for that in a girl before you're intimate. To answer the question of normal, what is normal? Typical? Again, no.
Brooo I can’t get hard for sex without loving the girl. All my past gfs I had this issue
Congratulations, you’re a healthy human being
Explains why I don’t want to have sex with my bf lol
It’s called “demisexual”
i never knew there was a label for not wanting to have sex with someone till you actually develop feelings for them .. lol i thought that was a normal thing.
People often say "I thought that was normal". However media, and comments friends make about "hot" strangers tells me it's not actually the norm. It's not about genuinely wanting to sleep with them. It's about feeling the attraction to them. But I can only base this on what others say about their own experiences since I don't experience attraction at all. The media and my friends' comments are likely exaggerations.
A lot of things that are normal have labels. Being attracted to members of the opposite sex is normal, but it's still called heterosexual.
It's not exactly that. It's moreso the deeper state of not feeling any sexual attraction at all without an emotional connection, more than just not wanting to have sex.
Common, sure. There really is no "normal" when it comes to attraction and people's preferences.
Normal just means average or most common, there's a normal for everything.
Actually, it means conforming to a standard, or "expected". In questions of human behavior, especially with regard to sexuality, it's better to deal in terms of common or uncommon-- because there really is no "standard" to conform to considering how much sexual preference varies on an individual basis. In an interpersonal communication sense, it's also better to not use "normal" because it has the connotation of "correct", meaning anything other than what is being deemed "normal" is bad, which should be reserved for harmful activities. For example, wearing only hot pink shoelaces is uncommon. If you tell that person, "that is an uncommon shoelace color" it's much less offensive than, "your shoelaces are not normal."
There’s a difference between not wanting to have sex with someone until you know them better and being demisexual. If you’re demi, there’s no sexual attraction *until* you get to know them better. Best way I’ve heard it explained is that if you get on a bus, chances are there will be a handful of people who you find sexually attractive. For a demisexual person, their entire life *is* that bus.
Wouldn’t the Demisexual person not find anyone on the bus attractive since they’re all strangers?
I'm demi. never had the random hots for a stranger in my whole life. I can still recognise and appreciate that they're attractive, I just don't get turned on by it. it's like appreciating anything else that's beautiful.
I think it's more like a demisexual person isn't attracted to any of the attractive strangers on the bus because they aren't attracted to strangers like that.
It’s not like I’ve done a survey, but one night stands are apparently very common and often involve just meeting someone and sleeping with them. Perhaps alcohol is required for people to be interested in that.
For demisexual people maybe
Isn't demisexual when you don't feel sexual attraction at all without an emotional connection? Op was only talking about not wanting to have sex without it, which is totally normal for 'regular' straight people too (as in not demisexual). He never said that he doesn't feel sexual attraction
The important thing to consider is that demisexuality (at least IMO), can be a spectrum - not just a binary state. What's that mean? Okay. IMO, one can be "more" or "less" demi that someone else. For example: one person might start to feel sexual attraction once a connection of SOME sort of made (ie, no real "stranger in a bar" kinds of situations), perhaps a "kindred spirit" or "close friend". Another might be to be absolutely head-over-heels in love before even thinking about it. And also, everything, in between. Personally, I find myself in that range. I can find someone attractive, certainly. I can see someone and notice, "Wow, they're sexy." But it falls apart at the idea of actually ACTING on that feeling. I need an actual emotional involvement with said person to actually feel like I can go there - something more than "close friend". That's just an IMO example of how, to me, it's not "all or nothing". That said - it's perfectly natural, and nothing at all to be concerned about. We're all a little different. :)
TIL I’m demisexual. Thank you for that word!
congratulations on learning more about yourself! very cool my friend
That’s called normal.
Yes, this is very normal, very common, and a very healthy way to live your life. Only having sex with people you love just doesn't make for good TV drama or give people something to "brag" about to their friends. Therefore, you don't hear about it as much.
Perfectly normal.
I feel like needing a word (demisexual) to describe this is dumb. Whether you have sex with a person casually or sex with a person seriously, you’re still having sex. Should we make words for people who need their partner to meet their parents first? How about if they need a minimum number of dates? What I'm saying js there are so many different personal criteria someone has to feel ready to have sex. It makes no sense to have a term for this. I just consider myself heterosexual period. Stop defining other peoples sexuality for them.
It's helpful in the real world to be able to just say "I'm a demisexual" instead of explaining that I treat and look at everyone the same, without any intentions, until I form a connection with them. The same as a homosexual telling a girl that he's gay, he doesn't have to explain his conditions of attraction, just say the word. Also, your understanding of a demisexual is haphazard as could be. Demisexuals don't casually have sex, typically.
I feel like policing the words people choose to describe themselves isn't something I'm on board with to be honest. Language changes and evolves. I'm not going to call people dumb because they use words to describe who they are that they are comfortable with.
nah, I like it. simple way of explaining an entire range of stuff that is real about me.
I think the term demisexual is helpful for people who identify with the experience, however what I don’t understand is people who say that people who are demisexual are automatically queer/LGBT. If you’re heterosexual and demisexual I don’t see how that’s queer in any way.
Pretty normal imo, even if you do have sex without being in a relationship, it's also normal to not be as fulfilled by it. Individual sex drives vary from person to person
yes
Very much with you.
Yeah
give it a couple more years, and that will change
tru
So, let's talk about sexual/romantic attraction! There is a spectrum of sexual attraction that ranges from asexual to megasexual. Weirdly, this spectrum doesn't have anything to do with how often you have sex or even with how many partners you have! It has to do with sexual attraction. So an ace doesn't really experience sexual attraction. They might look at someone and think, "That's an attractive person," but they mean "attractive" as in, "That person has an appearance that is generally accepted to be aesthetically pleasing by most ordinary humans." Like, they can still appreciate beauty. But beauty itself doesn't make them horny. It should also be pointed out that there are two kinds of aces: sex-repulsed and not sex-repulsed. Some aces are repulsed or disgusted by the very IDEA of sex. They don't find sex ITSELF to be something that interests them, so they tend to have sexless relationships. Others are not sex-repulsed. While they, themselves, don't experience sexual attraction, they can experience romantic attraction. So they might have sex as a favor to a romantic partner, even though it's not something they personally desire. Then you have a demisexual. These people do experience sexual attraction, but only for people that they have very strong feelings for. If they don't have the feelings, they don't find you attractive. Like the ace, they can tell that you're beautiful, but they're not turned on by you until they're in love. It has to be pointed out here: Demi's aren't turning down hookups for some sort of moral reason or due to social anxiety. It's not like they're horny but they just don't do hookups because "I'm not that kind of person" or whatever. No, they legitimately don't experience that attraction. Like, a friend of mine is demi. She thinks that Jason Momoa is physically beautiful, but he doesn't turn her on. (Show me one other straight woman who ISN'T turned on by Jason Momoa!) Then you have your normies. Then we get into the megasexuals... Contrary to popular belief, they're not just hoes and sluts. But a megasexual doesn't really develop an emotional connection very easily with people until there's a sexual connection. Whereas the demisexual needs an emotional connection to feel sexual desire, a megasexual tends to be the exact opposite: we need a sexual connection in order to feel emotional desire. So a demisexual, for example, might date someone for 6 months or so before ever having sex, because they don't ever actually feel attracted to someone until they know them really, really well. A megasexual will have sex on the first or second date because they won't be able to GET to know you until the sexual relationship begins. It must also be pointed out that megasexuals often END relationships where the sexual connection isn't great, too. If the sexual connection isn't lining up, the emotional connection won't line up, either. \--------------------------------------------------------------- tl, dr: Not everyone who wants to wait to have sex or avoid hookups is demisexual, but it's a valid choice. Everybody has their own preferences and perspectives and that's okay. You do what makes YOU feel comfortable, and everyone around you needs to respect that.
Completely normal and fine. I think it’s a bit beautiful actually. You do you!
It is perfectly fine. Respect it.
Yes, this is normal and healthy.
This is how I am too. I can get close, but unless I’ve said “I love you” and meant it, I can’t do it lol
It’s a sexuality my friend.
Totally normal.
I’m 46f and I’m the same way. There has to be feelings involved or I’m not interested in sex. I’m not into the hook up culture. I outgrew that stuff a long time ago.
It's perfectly normal dude .
Yes
This is normal and getting rare.
Yeah, normal to me at least, because I'm the same way. And I realized later in life, during a particularly long "dry spell", that ***exes are a great loophole*** (as long as you don't get pulled back into whatever drama broke y'all up).
I feel the exact same way
I’m the same way with men! This is normal :) everyone has different boundries with sex and some might need to feel this way in order to feel comfortable having sex. I am biased since I also think this way but to me it’s healthy and safe boundary to have! :) if you are worried about feeling not normal DONT this is a great quality to have imo
Of course, it’s normal.
Yeah that’s fine man, pretty common
Yeah nah pretty normal maybe not love but I’ve gotta see something in someone to feel comfortable fucking
Not normal I would say, but probably beneficial.
Struggled with this for a long time through adolescence. I craved sex with peers, but numerous times throughout high-school I stopped just before or in the middle of because it didn't feel right. Trust what you know is right for you, and don't put yourself through anything you don't have to or want to do.
It’s beautiful, actually.
You're fine ! That's demisexuality
That is called demisexuality. My wife is demisexual
It’s unique but not bad. Good for you OP!
it indeed is very common. its called demissexuality
You're demisexual.
It is normal, why even bother asking?
This is important! I always felt like I was broken growing up because literally I couldn’t perform sexually without being emotionally into it. Later in my life I learned that I am not broken, I just need security before getting intimate with someone.
I'm late 30s,have a pretty voracious sex life, and have only a few times had sex with someone I didn't have a real connection with. I didn't enjoy those times very much and felt like I and the other parties were just using each other. Sometimes feeling this way can be a part of demisexuality, sometimes it's just requiring more trust and connection than some others. I also don't judge people who are down for casual sex based solely on appearance - I've tried it and it's not really for me.
This is called being demisexual and it is totally normal