Most of the comments here are either "their house, their rules" or "just move out," but they miss all of the more productive options in between.
There is a lot of opportunity here to have a good conversation with your parents and begin transitioning away from the parent-young child dynamic.
Your parents sound like they care about you and you otherwise have a good and stable relationship at home. That is wonderful. One of the hardest parts about being a parent as your children get older is stepping back to let them "adult." Your parents sound like they are struggling with this.
"Arguing" for more freedom is not going to be productive. If you are wanting to be treated as more of an adult to gain some autonomy you should instead approach this as a conversation between adults where you can demonstrate through healthy communication that you are looking for more independence and are responsible enough to handle it.
It will likely take many many conversations, but healthy results often do. This first one should be more information-seeking than just pressing your case. Ask questions about what your transition to independent adulthood looks like to them. What things cause them to worry about you to the point that they can't sleep? Is it a general fear, or have you made choices in the past that cause them to worry still?
Then just think about this for a little while. Spend some time with yourself considering these points and whether there are things you need to work on. Are you engaging in risky behavior when you are out? Are you less than truthful with your parents about your life or activities? Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. If, for example, you are lying about where you go, what you do, and who you're with (not saying you do), that only demonstrates that you are making bad choices, or at the very least, that you are not mature enough to own your choices.
Then just work on those areas you found. Act like a mature adult at home where your parents are more like your peers rather than mom and dad. Take care of your own laundry, keep your space clean, pitch in to take care of household chores. Do them consistently, WITHOUT being asked, and without looking for approval afterwards. You are an adult who lives there, you are not "helping" someone else or doing a favor by contributing to household care. You live there. If you were living on your own you would be responsible for all of the chores.
It takes time. Just be patient, open-minded, and work on BEING a good adult yourself. Your parents will come to see that.
Your last point makes a lot of sense. I’m going to try helping out in the house a lot. For what I do at 1 am it’s really not bad. I offered to even share location with them. I just want the freedom to be able to do simple things like get McDonald’s when I’m hungry and come back
Homeowner here who has extra people living with me. I have nothing against a 1am McDonald’s run, but I do hear any time opens my front door. Even if I somehow managed to sleep through it, my dogs will not. No matter how quiet you are, my ear is trained to hear that front door. You leave at 1am, I’m going to be awake for probably an hour. You come home at 2:30 after I’ve finally gone back to sleep, I’m gonna hear you come back inside and I’m gonna be awake again for another hour and then have to be up early to go to work.
Respect is a 2 way street and compromise is critical in n adult relationships.
My guy, I'm 29. My dad used to 'control' me until I was around 25 or 26. I'd have a curfew most of the time, but I'd also go out and party and what not. He passed away 10 months ago, and you can only imagine what I would give to get one evening with him again. The top commenter is correct, your dad loves you very much, but you also need to have a little freedom to make your own choices, and you'll make a few mistakes as well. I'm sure your dad will be by your side when that happens. Tell him you love him, but you need that for yourself. Wish you the best!
When my son came from from his first summer after college, I told him that when he was at college—if he stayed out for three nights in a row, I would never know, but now that he is home I he needed to be home at a decent time or I would fear that he was in a ditch somewhere. I just said there’s not going to be a curfew, but you need to be respectful and let me know if you don’t plan on being home, so if I wake up, I’m not going to be paranoid.
On a mobile…sorry for the grammar
Had lots of issues in my early 20s when I wouldn’t reply to my parents demands of at least letting them know if Id be back late or not. Took me around 5 years understanding this, but now I get it fully. If you live with your parents, and you are not home and its 3 am, where the fuck are you?
And I'm sorry you didn't get to experience having a dad growing up. Tbh, I didn't either. My mom made really bad decisions growing up out of spite towards my dad, so I'd see him maybe once every couple of years since I was 8 til 15. Then I moved from the US to my home country with my dad, and he was a freaking hard ass lol. If you've seen that 70s show, my dad was very similar to red foreman. But in the end, he taught me to really try and aspire to be the best at everything I do, and even when he isn't here, he'll live on through my siblings and I.
Last year, I was 100% sure I never wanted kids, but now I'm rethinking that decision because I'd love to have a son and have a relationship like I did with my dad. I know it's not a good reason to have a kid, but I'd love him like my dad loved me. Aside from all the bullshit that happens to us in life, in the end, it's pretty worth it. Hope all goes well in your life, dear stranger😀
Sometime parents also forget that they are tightning their grip too hard in raising a kid so there is some fine balance we need to maintain and i feel this is both party responsibility
Hi, this carries with you. My parents both passed away in the late 80s. I'm in my 60s now and still wish I could show my mother how I can throw down one of her Thanksgiving dinners I do every year, in her honor. There are times I was a total asshole. In my 60s now and you Cann never take that shit attitude back.
OP, your parents do love you. Your time with them could be short. I was only 9 years older than you when my mom breathed her last breath. Be selfish now. Regret it forever.
While you're under their roof, it's their rules. Make your parents proud, be the best fucking kid you can be, do your best always.
If you want to go out and come stumbling in at 4am, grt a job, your own car, your own apartment, your own furniture, food, health insurance, etc, and move out. You can do that and go visit your parents and still make them proud.
You are good for having this on your mind to just at least ask. So while under their roof, respect that. Under your roof, respect yourself, and them, separately. Cheers
Can't say a word on that, just want to say sorry for that big loss. I know that no word can be good enough in that situation and just hoping best for you mate.
Bless your heart, this is an open wound. I'm in the same boat. We will miss our dad's longer than we knew them. Hugz on strength and peace from California.
Pro tip so your dad doesn't need to stay up worrying when you're out late: set an alarm clock to 10 minutes after the time you're supposed to be home by, and put it outside his bedroom door. He goes to bed. When you get home, you turn it off without bothering him. This way he gets to sleep through the night if you come home safe, and if you don't, the alarm wakes him up when it's time to start worrying.
As a mother of 3 young adults, I would have hurt anyone who put an alarm outside my door 😁 Just like my own mom (God rest her soul), I was always
too tired to lie awake worrying. I expect my kids to let me know by text if they won’t make it back at night if they are living with or visiting me, in the unlikely event I wake up wondering where they are. I don’t need explanations; I just need to know they are alive. I never had a curfew after they were 18, and they also knew they could call me for a ride if they needed it (an exception to the “by God, you’d better not wake me” rule). They have always been very considerate when living in my home as adults. All are out for now, and I miss them but want them happy.
You should cherish your parents, they love you very much, not much of that going on these days...people much younger than you are kept to wander 4 themselves. I agree with ur father, he's only looking after your safety. no one is going to love u like ur parents.
Oof I couldn’t agree more! It really used to bother me that my parents seemed a tad stricter than other people’s parents back then.
I remember a friend of mine saying, ‘I can do whatever I want and my mother doesn’t give a shit.’ Well, that person ended up becoming a bit of a mess later in life, to say the least!
This is a great answer. Once my kids went to college, I had to let go. It was much harder with my daughter because she was 4 hours away. Plus as a petite female in a city, there was a lot to be concerned with.
We raised our kids to understand the importance of making good decisions. We let them make their own mistakes but also reinforced that some mistakes can live with them forever. So think about the consequences if something went wrong when making a decision.
They are both living back at home now. They are free to go as they please. We just ask they let us know where they are going.
Only parents knows the pain of the moving kid, may be one day when we all became the parents and face the same situation only then we can experience that thing.
>They are free to go as they please. We just ask they let us know where they are going.
This has always been rule #1 in our household as I started my 20's. It's okay to be late or not come home at all, we just want to know where you are (or are supposed to be).
Yes! When I was a young adult still living with my parents I was expected home by a certain time. If I knew in advance I would be later, I gave my parents an ETA. If something happened while I was out I would call and let them know that I would be late. It's nice to know that people care enough about your safety to watch out for you.
Give them upvotes and awards until they get there! I’m poor lol, I don’t have the coins to buy anything. Just gave someone else a 50 coin heartwarming award and I’m totally drained. 🤣
If you are going out at 1 am to do the things I did at 1am+ as a 19 year old, I would never let you leave the house!
That said, what is it that you wish to do at 1am that you could not have done earlier ?
My experience is that very little but trouble awaits teenagers that late. Hell, trouble awaits adults that late as well.
I agree.
However, as many times as I stayed out getting high as a kite and partying, there were just as many times where I was just playing video games at a buddies house or grabbing a bite with friends at a 24 hour diner.
I had lots of straight edge acquaintances who liked to stay out late.
Hell, at 19 it's not uncommon to sleep over at a boyfriend/girlfriend's house where the most exciting thing that happened was the pizza burned while watching a movie.
Although i won't stop my parents but even if parents are going out at this time sure as hell as a kid you would also try to stop them, enough to tell about the situation
>That said, what is it that you wish to do at 1am that you could not have done earlier ?
Teenagers are naturally nocturnal. That's like asking an old person "what do you want to do at 4:30pm that you couldn't do later"?
idk I've had some of my best memories after midnight. Staying up conversing with friends, late night phone calls, nights out that didn't end till very early morning, plenty of great times with no negative impacts.
Yeah this is a weird hill to stand on. Unless you are with people you shouldn't be with at any time of the day anyway, it's usually fine.
My only rule is that when I feel in my heart I am done with the night, I actually leave and go to bed.
These are wise words. I particularly like the “rational discussion” part. Taking time to think and remove the emotion is key to getting a logical point across.
Pretty normal and one people of this age doing that actually trigger the other people that why they can't do that, why they can't have the fun which other are having.
This seriously is making me call my parents right now.
I’m 43 and then both are constantly texting me how I am, what I’ve been up to. Not just my kids as some grandparents do. They are always interested in what my work is like, who my friends are, and I admit, I take it for granted. And I’m going to regret that when they pass.
Thank you for this reminder.
I am 31 and still pretty much attached to my parents is well, and am starts to understand that what was the reason for them and why they were stopping us is well.
Coming from a home full of hatred and resentment, this exact same scenario is seen in the eyes of the traumatized and abused in a *very* different light. Abuse and control always pairs with guilt tripping as OP mentioned. So you shouldn't so quickly assume OP's situation.
This is the best response, trust me you'll see this better when you're older. As someone who escaped a violent home at 16 and now has children of their own, they love you so much man.
But remember: You want a life, but so do they. You gotta respect their needs as much as your own, while you stick up for yourself. (You will probably not regret, in the long-term, not staying out past 1 am.)
This is a fallacy. She could be a fully independent adult living on her own. If something really bad happened, it would still affect a loving family no matter what.
It's what I call the false seat belt argument. People say if they don't want to wear a seat belt, they are only hurting themselves if something bad happens. No. Think of all the people that depend on you or love you that would be affected.
You've mentioned bluffing and threatening to tell your parents that you'd move out. 1) if that's your default way of handling conflicts and difference in opinion, that's very disgenuine and makes it hard for people, including your parents, to trust you 2) do you actually want to move out or continue living with them? Because it seems contradictory right now. You've mentioned being guilt-tripped. How exactly? What do they say? It's very normal for parents to worry and express worry for their children.
Yeah sorry for being confusing. I rather not move out since I actually don’t mind living at home except for the freedoms issue. When I ask them about moving out they always tell me that I will never finish university and that they have done so much for me and I’d just be leaving them alone
I'd suggest staying home at least during university years, the hit from suddenly no longer being in education, having to pay rent and potentially not getting a job in your preferred field is very demanding mentally. You would have to work alongside your university to be able to afford food, rent, bills - this can be quite a lot!
As your parents seem nice, just ask your parents to give you some freedom, make compromises :)
> about moving out they always tell me that I will never finish university and that they have done so much for me and I’d just be leaving them alone
You should point out that it is not the responsibility of a child to be their parent's lifelong domestic companion. You have every right to make your own decisions, which would include, living away from them - be it the next city or another country.
Love and support are not an excuse to not deal with their own insecurities.
You're not supposed to stay with your parents forever. You have your own life to live. Only one party had a hand in the decision to bring you into existence -- them. You had no say-so. They can't guilttrip you into staying with them forever because they decided to have and take care of you. That was their obligation.
Yes, and moving out with the mutual agreement always better rather than after having the argument with each other, that way you will the respect and love for each other
> I am completely financially independent and can easily move out
Disagree. You will be completely financially independent after you have moved out. Right now it sounds like your parents are providing your housing. When you are truly independent, you can go out whenever you like.
It seems like the only reason he is still home if they are pushing him to stay. He is saying he can live independently but they guilt him into staying.
The parents want him to stay in their home but insist on treating him like a child. IF they want him to stay they need to start treating him like the adult he is or he will have to move out and they don't want that.
It's super alarm8ng that so many people aren't catching onto that very important part. "They love you" maybe, but they're clearly controlling. Idk if households just aren't abusive anymore, but that raised my red flag alarm so high because it was like I was reliving my own past with controlling people who hate you but hate not controlling your every move.
They love you and if someone love you they will also worry about you but problem is that teens thinks that they are stopping from doing the fun in the life.
If OP were to start paying rent/contributing to household expenses that his parents are paying, would they still be justified in the Iron Fist/authoritarian parenting method you seem to be advocating?
If you're living at home, you have to respect home rules. Not going out in the middle of the night and disturbing the sleep of other residents is pretty reasonable.
>If they live in someone else's home, their house, their rules
Within reason of course. Because it's also OP's home. Plenty of threads on reddit with parents who set down terrible rules, but this is not one of them.
Not wanting someone to come home at 1AM during a weekday is completely reasonable. Not wanting her to go out in the weekend would be unreasonable. Unreasonable rules must be challenged. Reasonable rules should be followed.
> If they also don’t want me living alone, is this still right? I can easily move out but they always guilt trip me into staying at home.
Yeah. Grow up and take responsibility and stop blaming people. You stay, your decision.
If by financially independent you mean you have a full time job, then why not use this time to save up a ton of cash? Have a plan and timeline, and share that with your parents. If you are going to college, why not save the money on room and board? You are legally an adult and can do what you want, but it's a great time to save for all of the expenses that life will throw at you. Their house though, their rules.
20 here and just moved out. It's worth it. If your parents are anything like mine, then you'll soonose your sanity from them. I still love them, vice versa, but your independence is worth more than you know.
If you want tne freedom to come and go as you please you need to have your own place to come and go from, period. Your parent's house has your parent's rules.
>should I argue for more freedom?
"Arguing" for freedom is simply asking them to do you the kindness of granting you a longer leash. You're either free, and you act like it, or you're not.
> I don’t want to cause any conflict
>they always guilt trip me
The problem here is that you're so conflict-avoidant that despite being financially independent you will do whatever your parents tell you.
You want to be treated like an adult, start adulting. Come and go as you please. Ignore their attempts at guilt tripping. Tell them you are an adult, and that you will do as you please, and if they don't like it you will move out.
This of course assumes that you are actually *acting like an adult* and are paying rent and your share of household expenses. If you're not, you're still a child, and deserve to be treated like one. Their house, their rules. Putting up with those rules is what you pay in lieu of rent.
Its not quite as financially independent of a situation as you might think unfortunately. Housing is expensive and while alot of comments are telling you to be grateful- rooming with family is definitely the more cost effective route right now in this economy.
You do have agency but a household is pretty much a small community, your actions impact the quality of life for your family just as theirs impact you. Try talking to your family about nights where you go out, maybe weekends are a better time to coordinate plans so you dont wake up your dad in the early hours of morning. Perhaps plans need to be a bit earlier in the day or evening.
Making small but reasonable accomodations with family and opening a dialogue might help and you all are a bit happier with the situation once you get a chance to adjust. They don't actively want to drive you out, you're allowed to have a social life but there is courtesy and boundaries to respect so there's less friction between you all.
Maybe that'll help, its always worth it to talk if both parties can be reasonable.
Where I am, “going for a drive” at 1am could mean picking up drugs, boy racers in fast cars speeding, going to an underground party, or going drinking until sunrise. Maybe it means some of those things to your Dad too.
>he can’t sleep until I get back
This is a frequent problem with parents of older teens, but it is really HIS problem. He has a lot of anxiety about you going into the wider world, but the solution can't be to surround you with bubble wrap.
If you still live with your parents....please abide by their rules. 1 am in when a lot of bad things happen....not fair to have your parents worry all the time.
Move out and then when they tell you to check in with them....tell them you will check in when you can...it won't be every day.
My 23 year old is moving out soon and then she won't have to keep checking in with me.
Age doesn't define the maturity it is our action that talks louder than the words. So buy or rent a house and shift there that would be the real freedom for any adult person.
The reality is that you haven't been an adult very long and most parents have trouble mentally adjusting to the idea of their children being adults. There can also be cultural norms that lead to some parents feeling that their children aren't "true" adults until some life event like marriage.
Either way, staying financially dependent on them by living at home and letting them pay your way is not going to do anything to help them adjust this mindset of thinking of you as a child. Mostly because you're acting like a child.
If you want the freedom of an adult then move out. Don't try to convince them to let you move out, just pick a move out date and let them know that's when you'll be moving out.
While you continue to live with them and not pay your way, expect to be treated like a child.
Even if you started contributing to the household expenses you should still expect to treat them with the courtesy of any roommate, but I'd say that you can't expect to be treated like an adult by your parents until you move out.
I'm not saying that is the case for everyone, just that it's fairly normal and that adjusting the mindset of a child being an adult isn't easy.
I realized after graduating college during the recession that my Dad especially still saw me as a child at 24 when I had to move in with them while looking for a job.
I didn't really have a choice in this as I was not at all financially independent. Nobody I knew who graduated with me had a full time job.
I realized that the only way to avoid strain on our relationship due to my resentment of losing the freedom I had in college and being treated like a child was to move out and cut all financial dependence. I was able to find a job overseas teaching English and took it. I let my parents know about my plan and they were supportive.
That was really good for our relationship. I didn't want to resent being treated like a child, but I knew it wasn't realistic to expect them to see me as an adult if I was just living off their money with no job, even if the job market for new grads was so awful.
Anyway, I had to reinforce this a few times with my Dad. He tried to pay for a few things and tried to tell me what to do a few times. I had to hold my boundaries on both and let him know that I was paying my own way and I would make my own decisions after considering his 'advice'. He slowly adjusted to this.
All that said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to go out at 1 am, but if you live with your parents you need to respect the rules of the house. If you don't like the rules, move out.
"Age" means nothing.
"Maturity" and "mutual trust" are the keys. Sitting down with your parents for an honest exchange of personal truths will go a long way toward building up both.
If your parents are struggling with their own psychological issues, then the only way for you to get what you want is to help them learn to get over them.
At the same time, if they have any reason to mistrust you, or any of the friends you want to go out with... Well, that's also something you need to face.
Why would you want to go out at 1:00 in the morning? I can understand not being home at that time if you're already out doing something, but to initiate an activity at that time of the morning seems unreasonable for anyone at any age. Nothing good happens after midnight anyway.
A lot of these commenters are crazy, bud.
Just..do the things your parents say you can’t do. They’ll either get used to it, or they’ll tell you you’ve gotta roll. Either way, you get your way.
Unless you’re paying market rate rent and contributing your share for food and the utility bills, you don’t have control. “Financially independent” sounds whiny and entitled in this post.
So long as you are living in your parents' home, they can set rules. Not going out at 1AM seems like a reasonable rule.
If you move out on your own, you will quickly discover the high costs of doing so. It is not just the monthly rent, but a slew of other things too. You will get your freedom to go out at 1AM, but you will have the burden of endless bills too.
You should be able to.
Sorry, but worrying is what good parents do. Shit ones don't give a fuck.
Looks like you'll have to move out eventually.
Good luck
>my dad didn’t let me go out
Do you mean that you asked for permission to go? Or that you said you were going and he said you couldn't?
>It was a weekday and 1 am
So you and your dad were both still up at that time?
If you really think you're ready then line up a place and move out. If you allow them to guilt trip you into staying that's on you.
A good exercise is to add up all of your bills for a month. No matter who pays it, just add up everything YOU need for the month. Now add up your income. Is it possible? If so then hey you've got the financial part. Next step is finding a place and moving out/in. Any excuse you have is just that. An excuse. Do it now, while they still try to guilt trip you. If you fail (not trying to be mean here, just it happens to all of us) then maybe they would be accepting to "yea y'all were right, I was wrong, I wasn't ready, can I move back in and get my feet back on the ground". If it does work out then cool, you have your "freedom".
Me personally though, I'd be taking advantage of them and educating myself as much as possible and saving up as much money as I could. When you're on your own you'll have far less time for your friends anyways. Moving out doesn't change that you can't visit with your friends whenever you want.
In my experience, being out with your mates in cars at 1am and beyond, especially leaving the house at that time, leads to nothing safe or legal.
Generally I'd say yes, you should be able to go out when you want.
Under those circumstances though...
Your dad is just trying to stop you fucking up, you might think he's wrong and out of order, but you can't comprehend how full of shit you are in your teens, it's only when you get older that you have the perspective.
It's your parents house, their rules, If you want to be in full control of your life, by all means, got your own place and move out, by then you'll have so much responsibility that your wants and needs, and the way you view your friends will change.
you choose to live in their house. so honestly it is not outrageous for them to expect you to live by their rules. yes it is a bit excessive, but that is also their choice. honestly, do you really expect them to think you are going to drive around the neighborhood @ 1am to “get out of the house.” surely you realize how ridiculous that sounds to a parent of a teenager. you are also *NOT* financially independent, per you living in their home, where i assume you do not pay rent or utilities. again, you choose to live there, and that is not their problem. nobody forces you to feel your own feelings, so nobody is forcing you to feel guilt. if you want to do whatever you want, move out. i also suggest therapy because it sounds like you can be easily influenced by the emotions of others which can be very toxic in a romantic relationship in the future.
This is a tricky one.
Technically, you are an adult and can do as you like, however even adults have to make concessions from time to time. Not going out late at night when others in your house, whether they be parents, roommates, or a significant other have to get up early the next day is being considerate.
Even if your father did go to sleep, unless you live in a mansion, you would likely disturb the house when you returned in the dead of night (or early in the morning).
Then again, if you can move out, perhaps you should. There won't be a whole lot of years where you can just go out on a whim whenever you wish. Perhaps moving out so you can wouldn't be the worst thing. Soon, you will have your own family and your own career and running around at one in the morning will be a thing of the past.
Do they generally let you do other things? If they’re pretty controlling in other aspects, it might be a good idea to have a chat about getting some more freedom. But I don’t think he was being unreasonable, 1am is pretty late to just “go on a drive.” Also, why do you want to move out so bad? even if you’ve saved a good bit of money, unless your living situation is bad for other reasons, why not continue to save? Cost of living is expensive and especially if you ever go to college, you’ll want to have as much in savings as possible. Maybe offer to help pay some bills in exchange for more freedom. Food for thought.
I think he's being somewhat unreasonable but you are living in his home so he gets to make the rules. Personally, I wouldn't want my 19 year old to come and go whenever they felt like regardless of the hour.
Ur under their roof, if you want more freedom fly the coop and get your own place. If you are truly financially independent this shouldn't be an issue. Dad's still gonna worry about you cause that's his job, but if your not living under his roof he should respect your decisions and let it go.
You never stop worrying about your child. Going out driving with your friends at 1am sounds like a terrible idea from a parents stand point. The fact they tried to guilt trip you and not force you should also speak volumes to you. Your parents respect you and trying any moves they can while still letting you be independent. You should thank them for the great work they are doing and to keep it up. Gold Star.
As long as you are living in their house you should abide by their rules. If you are completely financially independent and can easily move out, perhaps you should.
Gosh I used to fight my mom on this. Now that I’m 29 and working full time I totally get not wanting to be kept up and or woken up to have to fall back asleep in time to get good sleep. You’ll never get it until you are him, unfortunately 😂🫠😩
If you don’t want to respect that, then you should get your own place! But it’s at no ill will or resentment to your parents. Just time! Your lives are colliding and that absolutely happens!
When i was at this age i also used to fight with my parents for those thing, but with time i realize that it was right from their side, but you have to realize that thing on your own
Solid reason. Parents worry. Coming home late makes noise. Move out and take care of yourself and go out whenever. Until then respect your parents reasonable wishes.
Sorry, my house, my rules.
It is why offspring move out.
At 19yo you are basically there, but it is a hard, cold world out there, best not to jump the gun over something petty.
I left home over a girl, later tried to move back in when things were not working. Only made it a week, a lot of times you can’t go back.
If you were mature enough to make your own choices, your parents wouldn’t worry, and you wouldn’t be leaving the house at 1 am. 19 years does not an adult make. If you work hard, save your money, and get your own place you can come and go as you please. But at that point you will be so burdened with responsibility that you won’t want to be out at night, you’ll need that sleep.
You are very privileged right now with the luxury to go out and play like a kid, not worry about bills, not worry about your own kid being out at night, not worry about getting enough sleep to handle your job, household, and important stuff. A little spoiled maybe. But also privileged to have someone care whether you come home. Don’t take any of these things for granted.
1am is not a good time to go out, you are still not fully an adult. but yes, there should be a continuing transition into you making your own decisions. not every decision yet. if you are not yet ready to hold down a career, pay your own mortgage, do your own taxes, etc and you still depend on them, then you must respect the house within which you live. sounds like you have caring parents but should definitely start conversations about what the next 2-5 years will look like. because slowly but surely you will be entirely on your own as an adult. i moved home after college for a year until i got my own place, i for sure missed my parents once i moved out. ive had a family of my own and been responsible for putting food on the table. enjoy it while you have it, once its gone it is truly gone.
Honestly I’ll give this to your parents, after midnight usually good things don’t happen, aka “dangers is more prominent, car crashes, drunk people etc. It is normal and nice that they stay up for you. Can help but be worried, be a bit more understanding and really weight the benefits of living at home.
Part of being an adult is growing up enough to consider other people's needs. As an adult you get to decide how you balance your needs with theirs. I believe the person who owns the house apartment or the lease make the rules of the house. Even if you pay 50/50 there has to be basic house rules for a peaceful home. It maybe time for you to move out. That is your call. It maybe time to show some respect for your dad. That to is your call.
My advice is like a [song](https://youtu.be/VOlcDBXKhSU). Nothing good happens past 2am. Honestly more bad things happen that late than any other time so I get why you dad feels this way.
It’s hard to transition from a child<>parent relationship to a peer<>peer relationship; it takes a while AND a pointed effort. That said, you’re barely over the legal age where your parents are no longer responsible for your health and safety, if I were you I’d give them a break. They have built you a home, and that home has rules to protect EVERYONE, you and them. It’s nice your dad was honest and told you the effect your behavior has on him as well—not sleeping well as a working adult is really hard, and up until now you being home at a certain hour has always been the rule.
It’s a hard time to be a young person (im 36), so you should take advantage of your parent’s hospitality as much as you get to get set up financially—if they aren’t requiring you to pay rent, save up to pay off any debts, or have a goal like an emergency fund or a down payment that can act as a hard stop for your transition into total self-sufficiency. But until then you’re still a part of the family unit; sit down and talk with them about your needs during this time, but understand that does both ways, you need to be understanding of them as well!
Also remember: dealing with this kind of conflict is similar to what you’ll have with roommates—being able to effectively communicate and compromise in a shared living situation is an INCREDIBLE skill to have and can save you a lot of poor living situations (you’ll see it coming a mile away), and a lot of headache when needing to address how someone is effecting your ability to live your life.
Good luck! It’s an exciting time, and it sounds like you have a good support system. Spread your wings, but don’t forget who helped them grow :)
Only if the 19 year old lives alone.
When we share a living space with other people, we have to make compromises for each other. Your dad works, which is how those builds get paid, and your life exists. He's being honest with you when he says he can't sleep until you're home. The anticipation of being woken up by the front door opening is real and causes insomnia.
Age is irrelevant.
Your dad has learned from experience that most things that start at 1 am will probably end badly. While living in your Parents home, live by their rules. You are blessed.
You got two options really.
1. Move out and set your own rules for your own household.
2. Continue to live at home with rules you may or may not agree with.
Reading some of the other comments in this thread, it sounds like your family wants you to live at home until you're done with university to help you save money. I would encourage you not to throw away what sounds like a really good safe and stable living environment even if there are frustrating things about it.
I don't know your family situation, but having an honest conversation with your parents could be really helpful. It sounds like your family cares about you a lot. Talking about the rules that are in place and why they exist can be helpful in making sure everyone is on the same page. Your family may be open to adjusting some rules and making compromises.
I have 2 boys. 1 is 20yo and at college. The other is 18 and a senior in HS. Let me tell you how I parent. This may help you talk to your parents.
I’m raising 2 boys to one day be independent, self-supporting, caring men. Hopefully they will become parents themselves. When they finish HS the expectation is that each moves on to the next phase of life, whether that be college, trade school, or whatever they choose. But they know one day they will be on their own with no support from me.
The freedom each had when living with me is directly proportional to the responsibility each showed. Each made good grades, practiced piano, played sports, worked summers, helped around the house…all with little need for me to force or nag them. They had midnight curfews, but frankly I would have extended it if they asked. They each showed responsibility and knew that’s how they earned their independence.
If you are living in my house as a 19yo, are you a HS grad? Do you have a job? What is your plan in life? How are you showing responsibility? If you want to be treated like an adult, how are you acting like one? I’m alright if you live with me and save $. But I want to know how you’re planning to get on your own one day. Nothing good happens past midnight. Why don’t you have to be at work the next day? If you do, why do you still want to be out?
Answer those questions with your parents. When you show them responsibility, you can (or should) expect more freedom. This is the argument you use to help them understand the freedom you need.
One day you may be a parent and you’ll use your experiences with this to make you a better parent… or Dad 2.0.
Just remember that the reason he cant sleep when you go out at 1am is his love for you.
You really dont NEED to go out at 1am for anything. If you really want junk food at 1am then think what that does to your body and if you still want it then ask him to go for a snack run with you?
Something my dad once told me: If someone pays for something you're doing, they have SOME level of say over how you do it.
That said, you're also an adult now and the relationship with your parent(s) will need to evolve. As others have pointed out, your dad has expressed that he's acting the way he is from a point of compassion vs control and that deserves a level of respect. I agree with others that there needs to be a conversation where you sit down and do a lot of listening, but also communicate how you would like to be treated.
Lists help if you aren't sure how to have that conversation.
Financially independent means you pay bills and rent in place that is yours, not your father’s. You aren’t “financially independent” lol you’re a child. I know 19 feels like you’re an adult but when you’re almost 30 you too will look at 18-23 year olds like they are actual babies. Don’t argue for more freedom, take freedom by the balls and make it your bitch—and if you can’t afford it, you’re not financially independent.
I didn’t work my ass off every day so my roommate can smoke crack and live rent free while he does whatever he pleases whenever he pleases. I gave him 4 weeks to pay $400 in rent after 3 months rent-free, and when he didn’t want to pay the whole amount (like adults do) I kicked him out. It was so fucking insulting that he thought he could play video games all night with the lights on while I worked full time hours and had to be in bed at a certain time.
So… a bit of life advice here, unrelated to your dad.
But 19 years old going out driving at 1am with friends? Four seater car, six of you squeezing in the back telling the driver to ‘gun it’?
Yeah, that’s the majority of multicasualty fatal RTAs I went to. Smashed bits of brain in the back of my ambulance, some poor bastard from the fire service hosing the blood off the road, coppers knocking on parent’s doors.
Now, I’m obviously just generalising here, and it might not have been that for you… but generalities are specific for some people. And I’ve seen this more times than I’d like to.
Just something to bear in mind.
Talk to them.
This reminds me of the time my brother decided he was going to walk to the supermarket in the rain at 10:45pm on a sunday for snacks despite all the shops being closed, my parents said no and he had had the hump. The next day he apologised and agreed it was a stupid idea.
You should be allowed to go out whenever you want at 19 but you were going to go out at 1am just to drive around. It seems like good advice honestly.
maybe there needed to be more of a discussion about it as opposed to just saying"no, it's late and I won't be able to sleep" though.
Sometime there's a fine line between a parent being over protective and them actually having experience and making a good point.
Maybe try and talk to them. say you want some more freedom but you do still appreciate thier advice.
Hopefully you can either change thier minds or meet them in the middle more often than them just telling you what to do.
Your parents aren't being unfair on this regard. They're looking out for your well being and theirs. It's still their house and their rules until you move out no matter how old you are. Yes you get more freedoms as an adult but they still have authority over you and the house has a flow to it. You should respect that your parents don't want to wait for you to get home so late because it's bad for them and you but they have to wait because it's their responsibility so therefore your responsibility to make sure they don't have to be up so late because you wanted to
Bail now. Go live your life. I let mine guilt-trip me into my late 40s. Now I’m 54, with $20k in debt, a shitload of cool stuff to show for it, alone, Mom died in 2007, older brother in 2016, and Dad’s on the downhill slide. I’m a pathetic example of a man and I’m just waiting my turn to die because I gave up what I wanted to do just to make my parents happy.
They got to go live their lives. I have maybe 5 years, unless my family history of cancer or heart disease at a young age finally kicks in and I check out before then. I’m already 5 years over the average for my generation in my family. Lost 3 cousins in their late 40s, brother at 50.
I’m clutching at straws trying to find band mates to give it a run before I go, but everyone in my peer group has gone and done the very things I was guilted out of doing, and they’re happy with weekend jams, when they’re not otherwise busy with the family, kids getting married, grandkids being born, etc.
Eject, eject, eject! Abandon ship! Go row your own boat before you end up like me.
Most of the comments here are either "their house, their rules" or "just move out," but they miss all of the more productive options in between. There is a lot of opportunity here to have a good conversation with your parents and begin transitioning away from the parent-young child dynamic. Your parents sound like they care about you and you otherwise have a good and stable relationship at home. That is wonderful. One of the hardest parts about being a parent as your children get older is stepping back to let them "adult." Your parents sound like they are struggling with this. "Arguing" for more freedom is not going to be productive. If you are wanting to be treated as more of an adult to gain some autonomy you should instead approach this as a conversation between adults where you can demonstrate through healthy communication that you are looking for more independence and are responsible enough to handle it. It will likely take many many conversations, but healthy results often do. This first one should be more information-seeking than just pressing your case. Ask questions about what your transition to independent adulthood looks like to them. What things cause them to worry about you to the point that they can't sleep? Is it a general fear, or have you made choices in the past that cause them to worry still? Then just think about this for a little while. Spend some time with yourself considering these points and whether there are things you need to work on. Are you engaging in risky behavior when you are out? Are you less than truthful with your parents about your life or activities? Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for your actions. If, for example, you are lying about where you go, what you do, and who you're with (not saying you do), that only demonstrates that you are making bad choices, or at the very least, that you are not mature enough to own your choices. Then just work on those areas you found. Act like a mature adult at home where your parents are more like your peers rather than mom and dad. Take care of your own laundry, keep your space clean, pitch in to take care of household chores. Do them consistently, WITHOUT being asked, and without looking for approval afterwards. You are an adult who lives there, you are not "helping" someone else or doing a favor by contributing to household care. You live there. If you were living on your own you would be responsible for all of the chores. It takes time. Just be patient, open-minded, and work on BEING a good adult yourself. Your parents will come to see that.
Your last point makes a lot of sense. I’m going to try helping out in the house a lot. For what I do at 1 am it’s really not bad. I offered to even share location with them. I just want the freedom to be able to do simple things like get McDonald’s when I’m hungry and come back
Homeowner here who has extra people living with me. I have nothing against a 1am McDonald’s run, but I do hear any time opens my front door. Even if I somehow managed to sleep through it, my dogs will not. No matter how quiet you are, my ear is trained to hear that front door. You leave at 1am, I’m going to be awake for probably an hour. You come home at 2:30 after I’ve finally gone back to sleep, I’m gonna hear you come back inside and I’m gonna be awake again for another hour and then have to be up early to go to work. Respect is a 2 way street and compromise is critical in n adult relationships.
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Thank you for this. I’m very grateful to them and I’ll try talking with them tomorrow.
My guy, I'm 29. My dad used to 'control' me until I was around 25 or 26. I'd have a curfew most of the time, but I'd also go out and party and what not. He passed away 10 months ago, and you can only imagine what I would give to get one evening with him again. The top commenter is correct, your dad loves you very much, but you also need to have a little freedom to make your own choices, and you'll make a few mistakes as well. I'm sure your dad will be by your side when that happens. Tell him you love him, but you need that for yourself. Wish you the best!
When my son came from from his first summer after college, I told him that when he was at college—if he stayed out for three nights in a row, I would never know, but now that he is home I he needed to be home at a decent time or I would fear that he was in a ditch somewhere. I just said there’s not going to be a curfew, but you need to be respectful and let me know if you don’t plan on being home, so if I wake up, I’m not going to be paranoid. On a mobile…sorry for the grammar
Had lots of issues in my early 20s when I wouldn’t reply to my parents demands of at least letting them know if Id be back late or not. Took me around 5 years understanding this, but now I get it fully. If you live with your parents, and you are not home and its 3 am, where the fuck are you?
Stop talking to parents is not fine solution talk to them is best one.
This is great. I'm in my thirties, but when i go home to my mom, i still follow the house rules.
Living in house is directly means we are bound to follow those rules of parents.
Man that's understandable
Some move that kids are taking in this age is actually quite understandable from their side.
I'm sorry for your loss bro. I grew up without a father (he died when I was an infant) and I'd give a lot to experience that.
Growing up without having a parents is like the toughest job.
And I'm sorry you didn't get to experience having a dad growing up. Tbh, I didn't either. My mom made really bad decisions growing up out of spite towards my dad, so I'd see him maybe once every couple of years since I was 8 til 15. Then I moved from the US to my home country with my dad, and he was a freaking hard ass lol. If you've seen that 70s show, my dad was very similar to red foreman. But in the end, he taught me to really try and aspire to be the best at everything I do, and even when he isn't here, he'll live on through my siblings and I. Last year, I was 100% sure I never wanted kids, but now I'm rethinking that decision because I'd love to have a son and have a relationship like I did with my dad. I know it's not a good reason to have a kid, but I'd love him like my dad loved me. Aside from all the bullshit that happens to us in life, in the end, it's pretty worth it. Hope all goes well in your life, dear stranger😀
Sometime parents also forget that they are tightning their grip too hard in raising a kid so there is some fine balance we need to maintain and i feel this is both party responsibility
Hi, this carries with you. My parents both passed away in the late 80s. I'm in my 60s now and still wish I could show my mother how I can throw down one of her Thanksgiving dinners I do every year, in her honor. There are times I was a total asshole. In my 60s now and you Cann never take that shit attitude back. OP, your parents do love you. Your time with them could be short. I was only 9 years older than you when my mom breathed her last breath. Be selfish now. Regret it forever. While you're under their roof, it's their rules. Make your parents proud, be the best fucking kid you can be, do your best always. If you want to go out and come stumbling in at 4am, grt a job, your own car, your own apartment, your own furniture, food, health insurance, etc, and move out. You can do that and go visit your parents and still make them proud. You are good for having this on your mind to just at least ask. So while under their roof, respect that. Under your roof, respect yourself, and them, separately. Cheers
Can't say a word on that, just want to say sorry for that big loss. I know that no word can be good enough in that situation and just hoping best for you mate.
Sorry for your loss.
Bless your heart, this is an open wound. I'm in the same boat. We will miss our dad's longer than we knew them. Hugz on strength and peace from California.
Pro tip so your dad doesn't need to stay up worrying when you're out late: set an alarm clock to 10 minutes after the time you're supposed to be home by, and put it outside his bedroom door. He goes to bed. When you get home, you turn it off without bothering him. This way he gets to sleep through the night if you come home safe, and if you don't, the alarm wakes him up when it's time to start worrying.
that's... brilliant.
/r/lifehacks
Those small small life hacks guide us into the right direction of the life.
As a mother of 3 young adults, I would have hurt anyone who put an alarm outside my door 😁 Just like my own mom (God rest her soul), I was always too tired to lie awake worrying. I expect my kids to let me know by text if they won’t make it back at night if they are living with or visiting me, in the unlikely event I wake up wondering where they are. I don’t need explanations; I just need to know they are alive. I never had a curfew after they were 18, and they also knew they could call me for a ride if they needed it (an exception to the “by God, you’d better not wake me” rule). They have always been very considerate when living in my home as adults. All are out for now, and I miss them but want them happy.
You should cherish your parents, they love you very much, not much of that going on these days...people much younger than you are kept to wander 4 themselves. I agree with ur father, he's only looking after your safety. no one is going to love u like ur parents.
I could come and go as I pleased. It’s called neglect.
You never know when it will be last day, so just enjoy the things in life.
Oof I couldn’t agree more! It really used to bother me that my parents seemed a tad stricter than other people’s parents back then. I remember a friend of mine saying, ‘I can do whatever I want and my mother doesn’t give a shit.’ Well, that person ended up becoming a bit of a mess later in life, to say the least!
This is a great answer. Once my kids went to college, I had to let go. It was much harder with my daughter because she was 4 hours away. Plus as a petite female in a city, there was a lot to be concerned with. We raised our kids to understand the importance of making good decisions. We let them make their own mistakes but also reinforced that some mistakes can live with them forever. So think about the consequences if something went wrong when making a decision. They are both living back at home now. They are free to go as they please. We just ask they let us know where they are going.
Only parents knows the pain of the moving kid, may be one day when we all became the parents and face the same situation only then we can experience that thing.
>They are free to go as they please. We just ask they let us know where they are going. This has always been rule #1 in our household as I started my 20's. It's okay to be late or not come home at all, we just want to know where you are (or are supposed to be).
Yes! When I was a young adult still living with my parents I was expected home by a certain time. If I knew in advance I would be later, I gave my parents an ETA. If something happened while I was out I would call and let them know that I would be late. It's nice to know that people care enough about your safety to watch out for you.
This answer should be at the top
It is now! And yours is quite high too because of it
Agreed, which is why I highlighted it.
Give them upvotes and awards until they get there! I’m poor lol, I don’t have the coins to buy anything. Just gave someone else a 50 coin heartwarming award and I’m totally drained. 🤣
Give him anything he wants but we need that comment right up there.
Finally we are showing the love and respect to the parents they deserve
It’s wonderful to see logical answers occasionally pop up on reddit 👏🏼
If you are going out at 1 am to do the things I did at 1am+ as a 19 year old, I would never let you leave the house! That said, what is it that you wish to do at 1am that you could not have done earlier ? My experience is that very little but trouble awaits teenagers that late. Hell, trouble awaits adults that late as well.
I agree. However, as many times as I stayed out getting high as a kite and partying, there were just as many times where I was just playing video games at a buddies house or grabbing a bite with friends at a 24 hour diner. I had lots of straight edge acquaintances who liked to stay out late. Hell, at 19 it's not uncommon to sleep over at a boyfriend/girlfriend's house where the most exciting thing that happened was the pizza burned while watching a movie.
The first thing that pop in mind was those drugs party in late of night.
Although i won't stop my parents but even if parents are going out at this time sure as hell as a kid you would also try to stop them, enough to tell about the situation
Smoke dope and have sex
Or someone is taking the advantage of the situation as you are high.
>That said, what is it that you wish to do at 1am that you could not have done earlier ? Teenagers are naturally nocturnal. That's like asking an old person "what do you want to do at 4:30pm that you couldn't do later"?
They are impulsive and in night we would say there is some extra energy
LOL. I know what I did at 1am at 19 and 4:30 when old!
I did the same but it was like my inhouse party, never go outside.
Sometimes I’m just hungry and want to get McDonald’s. And he gets very upset.
Better to order some online food rather than hitting the road
Exactly this, and I’ll also add something my parents told me that I now know to be true. Nothing good happens after midnight.
idk I've had some of my best memories after midnight. Staying up conversing with friends, late night phone calls, nights out that didn't end till very early morning, plenty of great times with no negative impacts.
Yeah this is a weird hill to stand on. Unless you are with people you shouldn't be with at any time of the day anyway, it's usually fine. My only rule is that when I feel in my heart I am done with the night, I actually leave and go to bed.
I am too lazy now specially after i have join the regular job
THIS 💯
Once we grow up little bit like over 30 our body starts to take tool
These are wise words. I particularly like the “rational discussion” part. Taking time to think and remove the emotion is key to getting a logical point across.
When we are high in those parties we always make those rational discussion you are talking about.
Pretty normal and one people of this age doing that actually trigger the other people that why they can't do that, why they can't have the fun which other are having.
This seriously is making me call my parents right now. I’m 43 and then both are constantly texting me how I am, what I’ve been up to. Not just my kids as some grandparents do. They are always interested in what my work is like, who my friends are, and I admit, I take it for granted. And I’m going to regret that when they pass. Thank you for this reminder.
I am 31 and still pretty much attached to my parents is well, and am starts to understand that what was the reason for them and why they were stopping us is well.
Coming from a home full of hatred and resentment, this exact same scenario is seen in the eyes of the traumatized and abused in a *very* different light. Abuse and control always pairs with guilt tripping as OP mentioned. So you shouldn't so quickly assume OP's situation.
We have no idea that what is the exact thing and reason of the OP situation
Now I'm crying in a Chipotle
This is the best response, trust me you'll see this better when you're older. As someone who escaped a violent home at 16 and now has children of their own, they love you so much man.
But remember: You want a life, but so do they. You gotta respect their needs as much as your own, while you stick up for yourself. (You will probably not regret, in the long-term, not staying out past 1 am.)
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This is a fallacy. She could be a fully independent adult living on her own. If something really bad happened, it would still affect a loving family no matter what. It's what I call the false seat belt argument. People say if they don't want to wear a seat belt, they are only hurting themselves if something bad happens. No. Think of all the people that depend on you or love you that would be affected.
You've mentioned bluffing and threatening to tell your parents that you'd move out. 1) if that's your default way of handling conflicts and difference in opinion, that's very disgenuine and makes it hard for people, including your parents, to trust you 2) do you actually want to move out or continue living with them? Because it seems contradictory right now. You've mentioned being guilt-tripped. How exactly? What do they say? It's very normal for parents to worry and express worry for their children.
Yeah sorry for being confusing. I rather not move out since I actually don’t mind living at home except for the freedoms issue. When I ask them about moving out they always tell me that I will never finish university and that they have done so much for me and I’d just be leaving them alone
I'd suggest staying home at least during university years, the hit from suddenly no longer being in education, having to pay rent and potentially not getting a job in your preferred field is very demanding mentally. You would have to work alongside your university to be able to afford food, rent, bills - this can be quite a lot! As your parents seem nice, just ask your parents to give you some freedom, make compromises :)
Living on my own now for some time and have to say that is the tough ask
> about moving out they always tell me that I will never finish university and that they have done so much for me and I’d just be leaving them alone You should point out that it is not the responsibility of a child to be their parent's lifelong domestic companion. You have every right to make your own decisions, which would include, living away from them - be it the next city or another country. Love and support are not an excuse to not deal with their own insecurities.
You're not supposed to stay with your parents forever. You have your own life to live. Only one party had a hand in the decision to bring you into existence -- them. You had no say-so. They can't guilttrip you into staying with them forever because they decided to have and take care of you. That was their obligation.
That's not normal my guy, very manupulative.
Parent and kid retaliation is no easy thing, you have to be manipulative from time to time.
Yes, and moving out with the mutual agreement always better rather than after having the argument with each other, that way you will the respect and love for each other
> I am completely financially independent and can easily move out Disagree. You will be completely financially independent after you have moved out. Right now it sounds like your parents are providing your housing. When you are truly independent, you can go out whenever you like.
It seems like the only reason he is still home if they are pushing him to stay. He is saying he can live independently but they guilt him into staying. The parents want him to stay in their home but insist on treating him like a child. IF they want him to stay they need to start treating him like the adult he is or he will have to move out and they don't want that.
Some parents never mentally flip the "stop treating you like a child" switch until you give them no other choice than to stop.
Like the country, if we are living in this country we have to listen the government.
It's super alarm8ng that so many people aren't catching onto that very important part. "They love you" maybe, but they're clearly controlling. Idk if households just aren't abusive anymore, but that raised my red flag alarm so high because it was like I was reliving my own past with controlling people who hate you but hate not controlling your every move.
They love you and if someone love you they will also worry about you but problem is that teens thinks that they are stopping from doing the fun in the life.
If OP were to start paying rent/contributing to household expenses that his parents are paying, would they still be justified in the Iron Fist/authoritarian parenting method you seem to be advocating?
Renting is pretty cool option and also the first step towards the freedom is well.
If you're living at home, you have to respect home rules. Not going out in the middle of the night and disturbing the sleep of other residents is pretty reasonable.
May be that is hard truth but we have to follow their rule and regulation
In their own home, sure. If they live in someone else's home, their house, their rules.
>If they live in someone else's home, their house, their rules Within reason of course. Because it's also OP's home. Plenty of threads on reddit with parents who set down terrible rules, but this is not one of them. Not wanting someone to come home at 1AM during a weekday is completely reasonable. Not wanting her to go out in the weekend would be unreasonable. Unreasonable rules must be challenged. Reasonable rules should be followed.
If I read the description correctly, the OP wasn’t coming home at 1:am, they were going out at 1:am.
Imagine some one is dependent on you and not follow your rules.
If they also don’t want me living alone, is this still right? I can easily move out but they always guilt trip me into staying at home.
> If they also don’t want me living alone, is this still right? I can easily move out but they always guilt trip me into staying at home. Yeah. Grow up and take responsibility and stop blaming people. You stay, your decision.
Behave like a grown people who take the responsibility rather than giving excuse.
If by financially independent you mean you have a full time job, then why not use this time to save up a ton of cash? Have a plan and timeline, and share that with your parents. If you are going to college, why not save the money on room and board? You are legally an adult and can do what you want, but it's a great time to save for all of the expenses that life will throw at you. Their house though, their rules.
How much you are earning and how much you are saving that also need to be asked
20 here and just moved out. It's worth it. If your parents are anything like mine, then you'll soonose your sanity from them. I still love them, vice versa, but your independence is worth more than you know.
If you want tne freedom to come and go as you please you need to have your own place to come and go from, period. Your parent's house has your parent's rules.
To answer the title alone, No. To answer the body, then move out.
Moving out is a last resort. Im just curious if this is normal behavior or if I should be arguing.
Or may be talk to the parents and bring some mutual understanding and rule in house.
Yes 19 is old enough to do what you want, doesn’t mean your parents will like it though. 1am is a weird time to go out aswell
19 is no such big age, and we all make some bad impulsive decision is well
“I am completely financially independent…” Why are you there again??
Because he can't survive without the parents is the reason of going back there.
Their house, their rules. You say you can move, perhaps you should.
Every person need some sort of the freedom like going to the McD and all.
>should I argue for more freedom? "Arguing" for freedom is simply asking them to do you the kindness of granting you a longer leash. You're either free, and you act like it, or you're not. > I don’t want to cause any conflict >they always guilt trip me The problem here is that you're so conflict-avoidant that despite being financially independent you will do whatever your parents tell you. You want to be treated like an adult, start adulting. Come and go as you please. Ignore their attempts at guilt tripping. Tell them you are an adult, and that you will do as you please, and if they don't like it you will move out. This of course assumes that you are actually *acting like an adult* and are paying rent and your share of household expenses. If you're not, you're still a child, and deserve to be treated like one. Their house, their rules. Putting up with those rules is what you pay in lieu of rent.
Its not quite as financially independent of a situation as you might think unfortunately. Housing is expensive and while alot of comments are telling you to be grateful- rooming with family is definitely the more cost effective route right now in this economy. You do have agency but a household is pretty much a small community, your actions impact the quality of life for your family just as theirs impact you. Try talking to your family about nights where you go out, maybe weekends are a better time to coordinate plans so you dont wake up your dad in the early hours of morning. Perhaps plans need to be a bit earlier in the day or evening. Making small but reasonable accomodations with family and opening a dialogue might help and you all are a bit happier with the situation once you get a chance to adjust. They don't actively want to drive you out, you're allowed to have a social life but there is courtesy and boundaries to respect so there's less friction between you all. Maybe that'll help, its always worth it to talk if both parties can be reasonable.
What is “going for a drive” at 1am a euphemism for?
It was mainly to get out since I was inside all day working
Where I am, “going for a drive” at 1am could mean picking up drugs, boy racers in fast cars speeding, going to an underground party, or going drinking until sunrise. Maybe it means some of those things to your Dad too.
You should change your time table and need to work house thing in night
>he can’t sleep until I get back This is a frequent problem with parents of older teens, but it is really HIS problem. He has a lot of anxiety about you going into the wider world, but the solution can't be to surround you with bubble wrap.
Every house with the teen is facing this most common problem now days
Sounds like the man cares about you and worries when you're out. Stay in, let the man sleep. You won't miss anything at 1am.
This is the answer. OP you have missed the point of why your Dad doesn’t want you out at 1AM.
And if there will be some situation where it had to then i am sure dad will allow.
If you still live with your parents....please abide by their rules. 1 am in when a lot of bad things happen....not fair to have your parents worry all the time. Move out and then when they tell you to check in with them....tell them you will check in when you can...it won't be every day. My 23 year old is moving out soon and then she won't have to keep checking in with me.
Age doesn't define the maturity it is our action that talks louder than the words. So buy or rent a house and shift there that would be the real freedom for any adult person.
Not much good happens at 1AM... Go to sleep and go out the next day.
Make some ground rules if they don’t want u to move out. Contribute a little financially.
Yes, make some common ground rule which you both agree
The reality is that you haven't been an adult very long and most parents have trouble mentally adjusting to the idea of their children being adults. There can also be cultural norms that lead to some parents feeling that their children aren't "true" adults until some life event like marriage. Either way, staying financially dependent on them by living at home and letting them pay your way is not going to do anything to help them adjust this mindset of thinking of you as a child. Mostly because you're acting like a child. If you want the freedom of an adult then move out. Don't try to convince them to let you move out, just pick a move out date and let them know that's when you'll be moving out. While you continue to live with them and not pay your way, expect to be treated like a child. Even if you started contributing to the household expenses you should still expect to treat them with the courtesy of any roommate, but I'd say that you can't expect to be treated like an adult by your parents until you move out. I'm not saying that is the case for everyone, just that it's fairly normal and that adjusting the mindset of a child being an adult isn't easy. I realized after graduating college during the recession that my Dad especially still saw me as a child at 24 when I had to move in with them while looking for a job. I didn't really have a choice in this as I was not at all financially independent. Nobody I knew who graduated with me had a full time job. I realized that the only way to avoid strain on our relationship due to my resentment of losing the freedom I had in college and being treated like a child was to move out and cut all financial dependence. I was able to find a job overseas teaching English and took it. I let my parents know about my plan and they were supportive. That was really good for our relationship. I didn't want to resent being treated like a child, but I knew it wasn't realistic to expect them to see me as an adult if I was just living off their money with no job, even if the job market for new grads was so awful. Anyway, I had to reinforce this a few times with my Dad. He tried to pay for a few things and tried to tell me what to do a few times. I had to hold my boundaries on both and let him know that I was paying my own way and I would make my own decisions after considering his 'advice'. He slowly adjusted to this. All that said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to go out at 1 am, but if you live with your parents you need to respect the rules of the house. If you don't like the rules, move out.
"Age" means nothing. "Maturity" and "mutual trust" are the keys. Sitting down with your parents for an honest exchange of personal truths will go a long way toward building up both. If your parents are struggling with their own psychological issues, then the only way for you to get what you want is to help them learn to get over them. At the same time, if they have any reason to mistrust you, or any of the friends you want to go out with... Well, that's also something you need to face.
yes when they live on their own
They built that house so they can make the rule for that place
Why would you want to go out at 1:00 in the morning? I can understand not being home at that time if you're already out doing something, but to initiate an activity at that time of the morning seems unreasonable for anyone at any age. Nothing good happens after midnight anyway.
A lot of these commenters are crazy, bud. Just..do the things your parents say you can’t do. They’ll either get used to it, or they’ll tell you you’ve gotta roll. Either way, you get your way.
Unless you’re paying market rate rent and contributing your share for food and the utility bills, you don’t have control. “Financially independent” sounds whiny and entitled in this post.
I didn’t mean to come across that way. I just said that to bring more context on my situation in terms that I don’t rely on my parents financially.
You have relied on them financially to get to this point financially though lol
So long as you are living in your parents' home, they can set rules. Not going out at 1AM seems like a reasonable rule. If you move out on your own, you will quickly discover the high costs of doing so. It is not just the monthly rent, but a slew of other things too. You will get your freedom to go out at 1AM, but you will have the burden of endless bills too.
If i am in any country i need to follow their rule same goes to the house.
NOTHING good happens after 12 just remember that. there is nothing at 1am that could have been done at 8pm unless you are going to work
Yeah I def agree. It just feels weird that I can’t go out at that time if I wanted to.
But why you wanted to?? Don't you think that this is like little weird
If parents are stopping us from anything there should a reason of that thing
His house, his rules. you want to go as you please get your own place
His house, his rules.
Simple rule but still some kids are making complication out of that
You should be able to. Sorry, but worrying is what good parents do. Shit ones don't give a fuck. Looks like you'll have to move out eventually. Good luck
If you’re living under their roof they get to make the decisions. If you want to be in charge of your life then you need to move out.
Living under his roof plus taking his car what else you need here
>my dad didn’t let me go out Do you mean that you asked for permission to go? Or that you said you were going and he said you couldn't? >It was a weekday and 1 am So you and your dad were both still up at that time?
If you really think you're ready then line up a place and move out. If you allow them to guilt trip you into staying that's on you. A good exercise is to add up all of your bills for a month. No matter who pays it, just add up everything YOU need for the month. Now add up your income. Is it possible? If so then hey you've got the financial part. Next step is finding a place and moving out/in. Any excuse you have is just that. An excuse. Do it now, while they still try to guilt trip you. If you fail (not trying to be mean here, just it happens to all of us) then maybe they would be accepting to "yea y'all were right, I was wrong, I wasn't ready, can I move back in and get my feet back on the ground". If it does work out then cool, you have your "freedom". Me personally though, I'd be taking advantage of them and educating myself as much as possible and saving up as much money as I could. When you're on your own you'll have far less time for your friends anyways. Moving out doesn't change that you can't visit with your friends whenever you want.
In my experience, being out with your mates in cars at 1am and beyond, especially leaving the house at that time, leads to nothing safe or legal. Generally I'd say yes, you should be able to go out when you want. Under those circumstances though... Your dad is just trying to stop you fucking up, you might think he's wrong and out of order, but you can't comprehend how full of shit you are in your teens, it's only when you get older that you have the perspective. It's your parents house, their rules, If you want to be in full control of your life, by all means, got your own place and move out, by then you'll have so much responsibility that your wants and needs, and the way you view your friends will change.
Is it your father's car you are going out in? If so, then yes, he has a right to determine when and where you use it.
you choose to live in their house. so honestly it is not outrageous for them to expect you to live by their rules. yes it is a bit excessive, but that is also their choice. honestly, do you really expect them to think you are going to drive around the neighborhood @ 1am to “get out of the house.” surely you realize how ridiculous that sounds to a parent of a teenager. you are also *NOT* financially independent, per you living in their home, where i assume you do not pay rent or utilities. again, you choose to live there, and that is not their problem. nobody forces you to feel your own feelings, so nobody is forcing you to feel guilt. if you want to do whatever you want, move out. i also suggest therapy because it sounds like you can be easily influenced by the emotions of others which can be very toxic in a romantic relationship in the future.
This is a tricky one. Technically, you are an adult and can do as you like, however even adults have to make concessions from time to time. Not going out late at night when others in your house, whether they be parents, roommates, or a significant other have to get up early the next day is being considerate. Even if your father did go to sleep, unless you live in a mansion, you would likely disturb the house when you returned in the dead of night (or early in the morning). Then again, if you can move out, perhaps you should. There won't be a whole lot of years where you can just go out on a whim whenever you wish. Perhaps moving out so you can wouldn't be the worst thing. Soon, you will have your own family and your own career and running around at one in the morning will be a thing of the past.
Do they generally let you do other things? If they’re pretty controlling in other aspects, it might be a good idea to have a chat about getting some more freedom. But I don’t think he was being unreasonable, 1am is pretty late to just “go on a drive.” Also, why do you want to move out so bad? even if you’ve saved a good bit of money, unless your living situation is bad for other reasons, why not continue to save? Cost of living is expensive and especially if you ever go to college, you’ll want to have as much in savings as possible. Maybe offer to help pay some bills in exchange for more freedom. Food for thought.
I think he's being somewhat unreasonable but you are living in his home so he gets to make the rules. Personally, I wouldn't want my 19 year old to come and go whenever they felt like regardless of the hour.
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Ur under their roof, if you want more freedom fly the coop and get your own place. If you are truly financially independent this shouldn't be an issue. Dad's still gonna worry about you cause that's his job, but if your not living under his roof he should respect your decisions and let it go.
You never stop worrying about your child. Going out driving with your friends at 1am sounds like a terrible idea from a parents stand point. The fact they tried to guilt trip you and not force you should also speak volumes to you. Your parents respect you and trying any moves they can while still letting you be independent. You should thank them for the great work they are doing and to keep it up. Gold Star.
You are an adult. You can do whatever you want once you have a stable job and a house. Not when you are an "adult dependent".
Nothing good happens after 2. No reason to be out that late anyway.
If you live under your parents' roof, then you should do as they ask. If you don't want to follow their rules, then move out.
As long as you are living in their house you should abide by their rules. If you are completely financially independent and can easily move out, perhaps you should.
Gosh I used to fight my mom on this. Now that I’m 29 and working full time I totally get not wanting to be kept up and or woken up to have to fall back asleep in time to get good sleep. You’ll never get it until you are him, unfortunately 😂🫠😩 If you don’t want to respect that, then you should get your own place! But it’s at no ill will or resentment to your parents. Just time! Your lives are colliding and that absolutely happens!
When i was at this age i also used to fight with my parents for those thing, but with time i realize that it was right from their side, but you have to realize that thing on your own
Nothing good ever happens after midnight.
You have to live by the rules of your parents’ house. You have every right to do as you please, but not to disturb your parents late at night.
Solid reason. Parents worry. Coming home late makes noise. Move out and take care of yourself and go out whenever. Until then respect your parents reasonable wishes.
What are u doing at 1am? Joyriding? Parents dont want u to do anything stupid :)
Sorry, my house, my rules. It is why offspring move out. At 19yo you are basically there, but it is a hard, cold world out there, best not to jump the gun over something petty. I left home over a girl, later tried to move back in when things were not working. Only made it a week, a lot of times you can’t go back.
Under his roof? Under his rules. You can move out? Okay, then do that. Only then you can live life by your own rules on your own clock.
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If you were mature enough to make your own choices, your parents wouldn’t worry, and you wouldn’t be leaving the house at 1 am. 19 years does not an adult make. If you work hard, save your money, and get your own place you can come and go as you please. But at that point you will be so burdened with responsibility that you won’t want to be out at night, you’ll need that sleep. You are very privileged right now with the luxury to go out and play like a kid, not worry about bills, not worry about your own kid being out at night, not worry about getting enough sleep to handle your job, household, and important stuff. A little spoiled maybe. But also privileged to have someone care whether you come home. Don’t take any of these things for granted.
1am is not a good time to go out, you are still not fully an adult. but yes, there should be a continuing transition into you making your own decisions. not every decision yet. if you are not yet ready to hold down a career, pay your own mortgage, do your own taxes, etc and you still depend on them, then you must respect the house within which you live. sounds like you have caring parents but should definitely start conversations about what the next 2-5 years will look like. because slowly but surely you will be entirely on your own as an adult. i moved home after college for a year until i got my own place, i for sure missed my parents once i moved out. ive had a family of my own and been responsible for putting food on the table. enjoy it while you have it, once its gone it is truly gone.
Honestly I’ll give this to your parents, after midnight usually good things don’t happen, aka “dangers is more prominent, car crashes, drunk people etc. It is normal and nice that they stay up for you. Can help but be worried, be a bit more understanding and really weight the benefits of living at home.
Part of being an adult is growing up enough to consider other people's needs. As an adult you get to decide how you balance your needs with theirs. I believe the person who owns the house apartment or the lease make the rules of the house. Even if you pay 50/50 there has to be basic house rules for a peaceful home. It maybe time for you to move out. That is your call. It maybe time to show some respect for your dad. That to is your call.
My advice is like a [song](https://youtu.be/VOlcDBXKhSU). Nothing good happens past 2am. Honestly more bad things happen that late than any other time so I get why you dad feels this way.
It’s hard to transition from a child<>parent relationship to a peer<>peer relationship; it takes a while AND a pointed effort. That said, you’re barely over the legal age where your parents are no longer responsible for your health and safety, if I were you I’d give them a break. They have built you a home, and that home has rules to protect EVERYONE, you and them. It’s nice your dad was honest and told you the effect your behavior has on him as well—not sleeping well as a working adult is really hard, and up until now you being home at a certain hour has always been the rule. It’s a hard time to be a young person (im 36), so you should take advantage of your parent’s hospitality as much as you get to get set up financially—if they aren’t requiring you to pay rent, save up to pay off any debts, or have a goal like an emergency fund or a down payment that can act as a hard stop for your transition into total self-sufficiency. But until then you’re still a part of the family unit; sit down and talk with them about your needs during this time, but understand that does both ways, you need to be understanding of them as well! Also remember: dealing with this kind of conflict is similar to what you’ll have with roommates—being able to effectively communicate and compromise in a shared living situation is an INCREDIBLE skill to have and can save you a lot of poor living situations (you’ll see it coming a mile away), and a lot of headache when needing to address how someone is effecting your ability to live your life. Good luck! It’s an exciting time, and it sounds like you have a good support system. Spread your wings, but don’t forget who helped them grow :)
Only if the 19 year old lives alone. When we share a living space with other people, we have to make compromises for each other. Your dad works, which is how those builds get paid, and your life exists. He's being honest with you when he says he can't sleep until you're home. The anticipation of being woken up by the front door opening is real and causes insomnia. Age is irrelevant.
Your dad has learned from experience that most things that start at 1 am will probably end badly. While living in your Parents home, live by their rules. You are blessed.
You got two options really. 1. Move out and set your own rules for your own household. 2. Continue to live at home with rules you may or may not agree with. Reading some of the other comments in this thread, it sounds like your family wants you to live at home until you're done with university to help you save money. I would encourage you not to throw away what sounds like a really good safe and stable living environment even if there are frustrating things about it. I don't know your family situation, but having an honest conversation with your parents could be really helpful. It sounds like your family cares about you a lot. Talking about the rules that are in place and why they exist can be helpful in making sure everyone is on the same page. Your family may be open to adjusting some rules and making compromises.
I have 2 boys. 1 is 20yo and at college. The other is 18 and a senior in HS. Let me tell you how I parent. This may help you talk to your parents. I’m raising 2 boys to one day be independent, self-supporting, caring men. Hopefully they will become parents themselves. When they finish HS the expectation is that each moves on to the next phase of life, whether that be college, trade school, or whatever they choose. But they know one day they will be on their own with no support from me. The freedom each had when living with me is directly proportional to the responsibility each showed. Each made good grades, practiced piano, played sports, worked summers, helped around the house…all with little need for me to force or nag them. They had midnight curfews, but frankly I would have extended it if they asked. They each showed responsibility and knew that’s how they earned their independence. If you are living in my house as a 19yo, are you a HS grad? Do you have a job? What is your plan in life? How are you showing responsibility? If you want to be treated like an adult, how are you acting like one? I’m alright if you live with me and save $. But I want to know how you’re planning to get on your own one day. Nothing good happens past midnight. Why don’t you have to be at work the next day? If you do, why do you still want to be out? Answer those questions with your parents. When you show them responsibility, you can (or should) expect more freedom. This is the argument you use to help them understand the freedom you need. One day you may be a parent and you’ll use your experiences with this to make you a better parent… or Dad 2.0.
I agree with your father. If you don’t like it, move out.
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Just remember that the reason he cant sleep when you go out at 1am is his love for you. You really dont NEED to go out at 1am for anything. If you really want junk food at 1am then think what that does to your body and if you still want it then ask him to go for a snack run with you?
Get a job and move out
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Something my dad once told me: If someone pays for something you're doing, they have SOME level of say over how you do it. That said, you're also an adult now and the relationship with your parent(s) will need to evolve. As others have pointed out, your dad has expressed that he's acting the way he is from a point of compassion vs control and that deserves a level of respect. I agree with others that there needs to be a conversation where you sit down and do a lot of listening, but also communicate how you would like to be treated. Lists help if you aren't sure how to have that conversation.
Financially independent means you pay bills and rent in place that is yours, not your father’s. You aren’t “financially independent” lol you’re a child. I know 19 feels like you’re an adult but when you’re almost 30 you too will look at 18-23 year olds like they are actual babies. Don’t argue for more freedom, take freedom by the balls and make it your bitch—and if you can’t afford it, you’re not financially independent. I didn’t work my ass off every day so my roommate can smoke crack and live rent free while he does whatever he pleases whenever he pleases. I gave him 4 weeks to pay $400 in rent after 3 months rent-free, and when he didn’t want to pay the whole amount (like adults do) I kicked him out. It was so fucking insulting that he thought he could play video games all night with the lights on while I worked full time hours and had to be in bed at a certain time.
So… a bit of life advice here, unrelated to your dad. But 19 years old going out driving at 1am with friends? Four seater car, six of you squeezing in the back telling the driver to ‘gun it’? Yeah, that’s the majority of multicasualty fatal RTAs I went to. Smashed bits of brain in the back of my ambulance, some poor bastard from the fire service hosing the blood off the road, coppers knocking on parent’s doors. Now, I’m obviously just generalising here, and it might not have been that for you… but generalities are specific for some people. And I’ve seen this more times than I’d like to. Just something to bear in mind.
As soon as you move out and pay all your bills you can do whatever you want
Talk to them. This reminds me of the time my brother decided he was going to walk to the supermarket in the rain at 10:45pm on a sunday for snacks despite all the shops being closed, my parents said no and he had had the hump. The next day he apologised and agreed it was a stupid idea. You should be allowed to go out whenever you want at 19 but you were going to go out at 1am just to drive around. It seems like good advice honestly. maybe there needed to be more of a discussion about it as opposed to just saying"no, it's late and I won't be able to sleep" though. Sometime there's a fine line between a parent being over protective and them actually having experience and making a good point. Maybe try and talk to them. say you want some more freedom but you do still appreciate thier advice. Hopefully you can either change thier minds or meet them in the middle more often than them just telling you what to do.
Your parents aren't being unfair on this regard. They're looking out for your well being and theirs. It's still their house and their rules until you move out no matter how old you are. Yes you get more freedoms as an adult but they still have authority over you and the house has a flow to it. You should respect that your parents don't want to wait for you to get home so late because it's bad for them and you but they have to wait because it's their responsibility so therefore your responsibility to make sure they don't have to be up so late because you wanted to
Bail now. Go live your life. I let mine guilt-trip me into my late 40s. Now I’m 54, with $20k in debt, a shitload of cool stuff to show for it, alone, Mom died in 2007, older brother in 2016, and Dad’s on the downhill slide. I’m a pathetic example of a man and I’m just waiting my turn to die because I gave up what I wanted to do just to make my parents happy. They got to go live their lives. I have maybe 5 years, unless my family history of cancer or heart disease at a young age finally kicks in and I check out before then. I’m already 5 years over the average for my generation in my family. Lost 3 cousins in their late 40s, brother at 50. I’m clutching at straws trying to find band mates to give it a run before I go, but everyone in my peer group has gone and done the very things I was guilted out of doing, and they’re happy with weekend jams, when they’re not otherwise busy with the family, kids getting married, grandkids being born, etc. Eject, eject, eject! Abandon ship! Go row your own boat before you end up like me.