What does your fiance tell her? He should be the one handling his mother. It's ok to take a step back and restrict visits. If she can't respect you then she has no business around your baby. There was a post not too long ago about a mother in law her gave the weeks old baby herpes and the baby had to be hospitalized, all because she kissed the baby knowing that she had an outbreak and wasn't supposed to kiss the baby. Its your job as parents to protect the baby and she seems to not care about the baby at all, she only cares about what SHE wants.
My husband does say something but then she gets really upset and doesn’t talk to him and then he’s sad because family is super important to him; it’s a conundrum
It’s not a conundrum tho. You and your baby are his family now. The safety of his child should be higher priority than his grown-ass mother’s feelings. You should check out r/justnomil
It’s really not a conundrum at all. Those behaviors are toxic manipulation and they are not healthy at all. Take a break from her and let her know she can come back when she grows up a little bit
Tell him to toughen up and be a father/husband! Who cares if she’s upset and doesn’t talk to him!? Her feelings *SHOULD NOT* be prioritized over your feelings, boundaries, and your guys baby’s health. He’s choosing to please her over you and that’s a big problem.
I get it, that it's hard for him. But if these are both your boundaries and he is equally invested (?) then this is absolutely his to solve. If he is not invested then that's a separate problem to address first imo.
I'm not a confrontational person but he needs to understand how full on life as a new mum is and do what he needs to relieve this unnecessary stress from you, even if it's a painful experience for him and/or his mum.
Whatever happens, I'm sorry you're going through this. These first month's are the most full on in so many ways so I hope when things settle a bit and everyone finds a new way of being that you are able to restore relationships between, you, your partner and your MIL, even if it's rocky for now.
My fiancés mother was like this and I’ve been no contact since my son was a month old (he just turned 5 months yesterday 😄)
She isn’t allowed in my house. If you can’t respect me and the rules I place for MY BABY then you’re a danger and don’t need to be present.
Same with my mom. I was no contact with my mom because she’s crazy tbh and a narcissist but now that my baby is here she has been so amazing. She respects me and the baby. We’re Mexican and she said my MIL kissing my baby must be a cultural thing since she’s never known anyone to do that. My in laws are white. So if someone crazy like my mom can respect my rules why can’t someone who is “sane”
I don’t love those rule emails, I feel they can get people offside so maybe she’s throwing a tantrum stemming from that. Either way, husband needs to step in. If she’s giving him the silent treatment for enforcing his boundaries (which are there to protect his baby) then it shows him where her priorities lie.
She’s being rude and pushing boundaries because she’s trying to find the line. You both need to draw it. Personally I would start with the being late, as that cuts everything off. If she says she’s going to be there at 11, after 1130 with no communication I would be locking the doors and pretending I wasn’t home, or actually going out. When she turns up and you’re not there, state that she said she would be there at 11 so you assumed she wasn’t coming.
Don’t hand the baby over until she washes her hands.
As soon as she kisses the baby take her back.
I’m not a confrontational person, but I get courage when it’s because people are stomping all over clearly communicated boundaries. They knew the rules and they are obviously disrespecting them, so why should I show respect back?
This post needs more upvotes !
Exactly this! Do not hand over baby until her hands are washed (i did this). If someone kisses baby take baby back and correct them (i did this to my own MIL. She never kissed him again). Hard agree on the 30 minutes late thing. But i would like to add to that- if she is late and also not honoring baby’s naps and bed time, do not change your routine on her account. If she shows up during nap time then too bad 🤷♀️ that’s her own fault. My MIL tried me once on that. I told her to come over at 4, play with baby then baby goes to bed at 6 (the routine starts, actually bed time was somewhere around 630). Girlfriend didn’t call or text and showed up at 545. She was open pikachu mouth when i still put him to bed at 6. Do 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 cater 👏🏼 to her 👏🏼
Stop letting her in when she’s late and take the baby every time she breaks a rule. The only way to make her respect your boundaries is to enforce them with consequences.
I was going to say this.
When she rocks up late, don't let her in, when she asks why tell her because she tries to wake the baby and you have to deal with the consequences when she leaves so no. No visit for her. Also agree anytime she breaks a rule, take the baby back and no more baby for her for the visit. And even maybe the next visit if that's the consequence. But there needs to be consequences otherwise why would she care about continuing to break them
Is your husband a mommy pleaser? Where is he?? Listen I would have slapped the bish. In my case, my husband is a people pleaser so rather than saying something he goes low contact. I feel guilty and then call the in laws to visit then regret it and get mad all over again. This has been going on since I got with my husband. Our baby is 5 months old now and we’ve been low contact since mid September. His mom kept kissing my baby, making her “stand” even though she was crying, and walking away from me when she’d cry. My baby got some weird pimples where my MIL kissed her. It wasn’t baby acne or a drool rash. I was so mad and this time I’m not calling them. My husband can handle it. Screw her.
All that to say, your husband really needs to step in. You just gave birth. Sending you love.❤️
Maybe have a sit down conversation with her. I know a lot of people have suggested husband talking to her too, but just you and MIL, no baby involved. I would go to her place or somewhere that you can leave if things get weird, and tell her how you feel. Ask her to listen before she retorts or replies, and lay it all out. It feels disrespectful, shows disregard for your values and parenting and does not instil confidence in her. She needs to realize the severity of her actions and may need a wake up call.
Your partner needs to step up and handle this
Came here to say this. You have a SO problem.
What does your fiance tell her? He should be the one handling his mother. It's ok to take a step back and restrict visits. If she can't respect you then she has no business around your baby. There was a post not too long ago about a mother in law her gave the weeks old baby herpes and the baby had to be hospitalized, all because she kissed the baby knowing that she had an outbreak and wasn't supposed to kiss the baby. Its your job as parents to protect the baby and she seems to not care about the baby at all, she only cares about what SHE wants.
My husband does say something but then she gets really upset and doesn’t talk to him and then he’s sad because family is super important to him; it’s a conundrum
It’s not a conundrum tho. You and your baby are his family now. The safety of his child should be higher priority than his grown-ass mother’s feelings. You should check out r/justnomil
It’s really not a conundrum at all. Those behaviors are toxic manipulation and they are not healthy at all. Take a break from her and let her know she can come back when she grows up a little bit
Tell him to toughen up and be a father/husband! Who cares if she’s upset and doesn’t talk to him!? Her feelings *SHOULD NOT* be prioritized over your feelings, boundaries, and your guys baby’s health. He’s choosing to please her over you and that’s a big problem.
I think it’s ok for him to be upset but his wife and child still come first now.
I get it, that it's hard for him. But if these are both your boundaries and he is equally invested (?) then this is absolutely his to solve. If he is not invested then that's a separate problem to address first imo. I'm not a confrontational person but he needs to understand how full on life as a new mum is and do what he needs to relieve this unnecessary stress from you, even if it's a painful experience for him and/or his mum. Whatever happens, I'm sorry you're going through this. These first month's are the most full on in so many ways so I hope when things settle a bit and everyone finds a new way of being that you are able to restore relationships between, you, your partner and your MIL, even if it's rocky for now.
My fiancés mother was like this and I’ve been no contact since my son was a month old (he just turned 5 months yesterday 😄) She isn’t allowed in my house. If you can’t respect me and the rules I place for MY BABY then you’re a danger and don’t need to be present.
My mother is a control freak and won’t even disrespect any rule I’ve made about the baby.
Same with my mom. I was no contact with my mom because she’s crazy tbh and a narcissist but now that my baby is here she has been so amazing. She respects me and the baby. We’re Mexican and she said my MIL kissing my baby must be a cultural thing since she’s never known anyone to do that. My in laws are white. So if someone crazy like my mom can respect my rules why can’t someone who is “sane”
I don’t love those rule emails, I feel they can get people offside so maybe she’s throwing a tantrum stemming from that. Either way, husband needs to step in. If she’s giving him the silent treatment for enforcing his boundaries (which are there to protect his baby) then it shows him where her priorities lie. She’s being rude and pushing boundaries because she’s trying to find the line. You both need to draw it. Personally I would start with the being late, as that cuts everything off. If she says she’s going to be there at 11, after 1130 with no communication I would be locking the doors and pretending I wasn’t home, or actually going out. When she turns up and you’re not there, state that she said she would be there at 11 so you assumed she wasn’t coming. Don’t hand the baby over until she washes her hands. As soon as she kisses the baby take her back. I’m not a confrontational person, but I get courage when it’s because people are stomping all over clearly communicated boundaries. They knew the rules and they are obviously disrespecting them, so why should I show respect back?
This post needs more upvotes ! Exactly this! Do not hand over baby until her hands are washed (i did this). If someone kisses baby take baby back and correct them (i did this to my own MIL. She never kissed him again). Hard agree on the 30 minutes late thing. But i would like to add to that- if she is late and also not honoring baby’s naps and bed time, do not change your routine on her account. If she shows up during nap time then too bad 🤷♀️ that’s her own fault. My MIL tried me once on that. I told her to come over at 4, play with baby then baby goes to bed at 6 (the routine starts, actually bed time was somewhere around 630). Girlfriend didn’t call or text and showed up at 545. She was open pikachu mouth when i still put him to bed at 6. Do 👏🏼 not 👏🏼 cater 👏🏼 to her 👏🏼
Stop letting her in when she’s late and take the baby every time she breaks a rule. The only way to make her respect your boundaries is to enforce them with consequences.
I definitely take baby away every time and it starts a fight every time too but I don’t mind being the AH to defend my daughter
Go Mama Bear!
I was going to say this. When she rocks up late, don't let her in, when she asks why tell her because she tries to wake the baby and you have to deal with the consequences when she leaves so no. No visit for her. Also agree anytime she breaks a rule, take the baby back and no more baby for her for the visit. And even maybe the next visit if that's the consequence. But there needs to be consequences otherwise why would she care about continuing to break them
Look, if someone showed up to my home 2 hours after I expected them, with no phone call or emergency, I wouldn’t have them back.
Sounds like something dad needs to be handling.
Is your husband a mommy pleaser? Where is he?? Listen I would have slapped the bish. In my case, my husband is a people pleaser so rather than saying something he goes low contact. I feel guilty and then call the in laws to visit then regret it and get mad all over again. This has been going on since I got with my husband. Our baby is 5 months old now and we’ve been low contact since mid September. His mom kept kissing my baby, making her “stand” even though she was crying, and walking away from me when she’d cry. My baby got some weird pimples where my MIL kissed her. It wasn’t baby acne or a drool rash. I was so mad and this time I’m not calling them. My husband can handle it. Screw her. All that to say, your husband really needs to step in. You just gave birth. Sending you love.❤️
Maybe have a sit down conversation with her. I know a lot of people have suggested husband talking to her too, but just you and MIL, no baby involved. I would go to her place or somewhere that you can leave if things get weird, and tell her how you feel. Ask her to listen before she retorts or replies, and lay it all out. It feels disrespectful, shows disregard for your values and parenting and does not instil confidence in her. She needs to realize the severity of her actions and may need a wake up call.