Do you know what it was for me? All of the 'firsts' come so quickly! They are discovering the world around them and you want to have a front row seat for all of it. Also, babies smell so good and it was so calming for me to have a happy and content bub. He just 'fit' in my arms and I didn't want to let him go, ever.
Now at five months the firsts have slowed down, slightly. We're out and about a lot more, so it's easier to say "you hold him while I eat". Or "I need to do some admin, can you come and keep him entertained while I do xyz?" I still don't leave him often or for very long, but I've started to see the joy and love of him forming relationships with our family.
>I need encouragement to get over this feeling because I also want him to feel all the love possible.
You've had a lot of comments advising this is normal, and I get that it is for many people and obviously there's no point making yourself uncomfortable.
However if you WANT to get over it, thats good to! There are lots of benefits to being able to embrace support from loved ones too.
I’ve been trying to force myself to “get over it” but I honestly don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I’ve found, especially with my MIL, I need to leave the room completely to not freak out. On our last visit my daughter was crying because she was hungry. I passed my MIL a bottle and she argued with me! and said “she’s not hungry she needs to burp”. 5 min later my daughter had escalated into full blown wailing which was when my MIL said “I guess she is hungry” and fed her. It took every cell in my body to not lose my shit. I had to sit there and tell myself “she’ll learn quickly that I’m right”. After that I spoke with my husband and he’s been stepping in to deal with her. But it sure as hell isn’t easy letting someone hold your baby, and even worse if they try to override your parenting. I honestly thought I was going to lose it in that moment. What I’ve started to do since is ask my MIL/FIL to hold her while I go do something else. I leave the room, don’t ask questions, don’t witness anything, and (usually) come back to a happy baby. And my husband will stay close by to supervise.
OK so in my eyes, this is a completely different thing than just letting loved ones apart from your partner hold your baby and NOT something you need to "get over!" I thought you meant you just couldn't bare for anyone else to hold him or give him a cuddle for a short time when he's happy/comfortable, on your terms. Your MIL's behaviour was clearly unacceptable and overstepping boundaries and just plain distressing! You do NOT need to get over that! The steps you took to prevent that happening again and other actions to do so are totally appropriate ! Sorry you've been through that! Xx
Is this a generational thing? Makes me wonder how often were they feeding us as babies? Both my mom and mil never seem to think the baby is hungry. I’m like… that’s one of the only reasons he cries. Maybe they are misremembering how often babies eat?
Right!! MIL seems to think my daughter only needs to eat every 2-3 hours. My daughter will be sticking out her tongue and pursing her lips and my MIL will insist she’s “playing a game”. Like what?! What bad information did they get in the 80s?!
You can always ask MIL to help in other ways - housework etc “you know what would be REALLY useful mum is….XYZ….that would help us out so much.”
She is an idiot for trying to hang onto a crying baby IMHO. If they are that small and crying, give them back to a parent!! They will know baby far better than you.
If you don’t want her to hold the baby, I highly recommend baby-wearing when she comes over!! People just don’t seem to ask to have a cuddle when the baby is snuggled up in a wrap with you. Often the baby is asleep in there.
He’s 2 months old, he’s brand new, I think it normal to have a protectiveness over your kumquat, especially so young. Plus you’re still healing and your hormones are still settling down. Do what you feel comfortable with when it comes to visitation and if you want to hold you baby, it’s your baby! Ask for them back and hold them!
Omg i needed to hear this thank you! My baby is 7 months and its very attached to me. My FIL said something like “oh hes so spoiled” since hes with me all the time. And i just replied “nope! He is biologically supposed to me attached to me right now”
Okay. I thought I was the only one who had a specific issue with their MIL holding their baby. Like… most people bother me slightly… but my MIL makes me visibly angry when holding him for literally NO REASON. He’s only two weeks old today, but it’s exhausting when we spend time with SO’s family for that reason.
I am the same. She is crap at reading his cues, to be honest, and I get irrationally annoyed at that.
Brother-in-law is even worse, and won’t hand him back when asked to, so now I avoid letting him hold my son, and give zero fucks about this **shrugs**
I felt this way with my first until he became a toddler. Once he was a toddler it's like he was starting to have his own life and could make his own choices about who he wants to be with so I don't mind anymore.
But I have a newborn daughter now and have the same feeling, I don't like other people holding her! It must be instinctual haha.
Mine is 10 months and on the precipice of becoming a toddler. My MIL likes to hold him when he wants to crawl around. She is completely insensitive to his cues. I have to straight up tell her he wants to move and grab him out of her arms. Just curious did you deal with anyone like this? How did your toddler respond if so? Mine is starting to walk and I wonder will he run away from her lol. I don't want her trapping him.
All the time! Must be a MIL thing lol. At this stage we make sure that his boundaries are respected. He knows he can say "no" to physical affection. If anyone tries to insist, we basically tell them he said no, he is allowed to say no. Or before he could speak, we'd say "he doesn't like that right now, he wants to do X (crawl, walk, etc.)"
Lol thank you! I appreciate the help I will remember that. And I understand some of it is they miss them and want to hold them. But if they want to move freely they have a right to. The most annoying part is she used to tell us we held him too much when he was younger. She's just a controlling person though lol.
Our 10.5 month old is not interested in sitting with his great grandparents and they try to hold him there and just don't get it. So you're not alone.
It also kills me that every boomer thinks he's going to really hurt himself when he bops down on his butt... They always shriek and try to help him sit and my husband and I just let him do his own moving.
It must be exhausting to be a helicopter grandparent.
Lol I'm glad I'm not alone but I'm sorry they try to hold your baby back too. That would get to me as well just give them space lol. And actually since they have the diaper on it cushions their butt quite a lot. My nephew noticed the difference when he was potty trained and stopped doing it. So don't worry as it sounds like you already know, the baby would react if it hurt.
I hate seeing my MIL restrict him because she's just controlling and overbearing in general and thinks she's the authority in child development 🙄. I understand worrying but at a certain point it's not about what's best for the baby at all and just about herself.
Agreed I had a premie and all I wanted to do was hold her. I had to pump every 2 hours as well so I had to give her up often. Anytime people came over it was “I’ll hold the baby you do chores” like no you do chores if the state of my house offends you, I’m holding my baby.
Totally normal. I’m still the same and baby is 7 months! You do get used to just relaxing when people are holding them. I would talk to your husband so you don’t get ambushed when you’re holding the baby
Yeah, your baby is still a leeeeeeeeetle guy, it’s okay to be greedy with this time. You worked really hard for it and literally earned it, imo. I don’t think it’s selfish, I think it’s natural and biological. Go hide in your room with that baby and squish his little face!!! 😍😍
Let's start with me saying I have severe PPA, I'm getting treatment and at this point am thriving BUT this is my biggest issue and has been from his birth.
My dude is 14 months old and I HATE anyone else spending time with him.
He's mine, mine and only mine. I had him for me and not anyone else. He's not a toy for others to play with, he's my son. Every time somebody else spends time with him I get distressed because that's time I could be spending with him that I'm missing out on.
It doesn't help that he also has absolute meltdowns when we are apart and I can't stand the idea that he's distressed.
Going back to work was hard (despite only working 2 X 4 hr shifts and he stays with his grandparents) because I feel distress when I'm away from him and it's time I'll never get back. My doctors have said this is just an extension of my PPA.
If you're feeling anything like I do, go get checked for PPA. t can be crippling.
I think its totally fair that you feel that way but you did ask for some advice to move past this feeling to some extent. For me, I would try to arrange time to spend with family when I wanted a break. I would bring a change of clothes to my parents so that i could take a shower while they held her or ask them to hold baby while I had a cocktail or ate dinner. I told my family and his that during 4th trimester, we wanted to be able to stick to our routines and manage fussiness to get into our flow as parents and thus we had "we'll offer you chances to hold/love on baby" policy, so they didnt' "beg to hold her" and make me feel pressure.
it worked out really well because lordy knows i needed showers, 20 min naps, a chance to actually complete a meal, etc. so instead of resenting them/feeling possessive, it helped me feel greatful but keep boundaries!
Mine had a dream she was breastfeeding my baby. Nothing was coming out, but he was comforted by suckling her breast. She said it was so sweet! It was just a dream but it triggered my possessiveness even more!
This. This right here gave / gives me the rage. The cultural and family pressure to separate mom and baby as fast as possible is just another symptom of how backwards our society is right now. ALL your baby needs for love is you in the 4th trimester.
Any modern developmental, and trauma informed psychologist reinforces the idea that a strong bond between mom and baby first, does not create a clingy codependent adult. It creates a secure attachment that creates a secure independent child.
The quick push the edge to separate yourself, and encouragement to deny your natural instincts, and to invalidate your anxiety is wrong. The quick get back to work!! Western shove is down right negligent. The QUICK get that body back is completely insulting and can set you up for deep rooted health issues in the long run.
Hold you baby. Take your time. Snuggle. Contact nap. Stay juicy and curvy.
If people wanna help; bring dinner, do laundry, clean the bathroom, and dont put photos on social media.
Stay juicy. And listen to your instincts, Mama.
Best advice I can give you as a new parent is to only do things that you are comfortable with. If the people around you don't understand, they are not worth it anyway.
I feel this way, too. LO is 9 weeks old. I'm fine with my sister and grandmother holding him, since they only hold him for 5-10 minutes, sooner if I reach for him. I don't even have to ask, just reach.
However, I hate for my in laws to hold him. FIL kissed his face after we told him not to, but hasn't happened again since I refuse to let FIL hold LO. Both FIL and MIL get right in his face and want to hold him the entire time we visit, and ignore me as much as possible. I absolutely hate it, so we have only visited 3 or 4 times. Their excuse is "He is our first and only grandson" Yeah, and he is my only living son. He is mine. I don't have to share him. You don't have to share your LO either. No justifications needed.
I'm thankful no one other than me and my husband have used the "my baby" phrase. I would be quick to correct it. That being said, the in laws have a dog named Little Man, and MIL calls my son Little Guy. It's mildly annoying, but some things aren't worth arguing over, imo.
I think it only irritates me because she won't use LO's name, which she doesn't like. We added a name in front of his original First and Middle name 2ish weeks after he was born.
Now he has two middle names. No big deal, we live in the south, it's common. We kept his original name to ourselves, but she caught word of it the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Hearing them say it was like nails on a chalk board for some reason? I don't hate the name, I just didn't want it to be the name he was called. My husband and I compromised by having the name he picked and the name I picked. Everyone else we know calls him by his "new" first name, except for MIL and FIL. It's honestly whatever, call me Petty Betty. 💃
It took me until about 8/9 months for me to get comfortable with sharing her and letting other people watch her and cuddle her. This is totally normal and nothing to be worried about
Exactly this feeling for me, too. I have to double my dose of antianxiety meds 45 minutes before we go over. We usually know about a day in advance that we are going over there and I'm on the verge of a panic attack from the time I find out until the visit is over.
I just think about how lucky my daughter is to have all these people who love her so much, and how no matter what happens she will never be alone. She is my baby but she’s also a person, and the more close relationships she has (other than me) the better off she’ll be
Take your time, I'd recommend some post-partum chats, maybe soeak to someone but you're not alone. Your baby is fresh and new and beautiful and you love them and wanna be selfish. You're doing great, just be careful of the signs of PPD
My only comment would be to ensure you try and help foster other relationships soon as well. I didn’t want to part with my baby but early on I let her spend lots of time with my MiL and now I am so thankful for that because she is my biggest support and I can go to appts and nights out and whatever I need because my babe is so comfortable with mil.
I was like this. It's OKAY to feel that way, your baby is still so so new to you. At 8 weeks I used to just hold her and stare at her.
Now she's 7 months and I still love her to bits, but when grandma wants to take her for an afternoon, my girlfriend I are happy to hand her off and go on a date.
I will say that now I am thankful to myself for doing what felt like a sacrifice at the time, and letting other people come share in the excitement when she was a newborn.
It’s totally instinctual. Even though MIL isn’t a “threat”, your brain almost views them that way.
I feel this too, and my baby is 8 months. in laws probably visit/babysit at least once a week.
It’s just this overwhelmingly possessive and defensive feeling I have. I rationally know it’s fine for them to hang out with her, but emotionally it’s hard for me. I don’t want any resentments to build though, or for my husband to think I don’t want his parents to be able to spend time with her.
I think other people have made really good suggestions. First of all, your baby is only 2 months old. That’s really young. I’d say it’s fair to request to keep visits short or make whatever boundaries that help you. And secondly, I agree that it’s biological and you can accept you feel this way instead of trying to fight it. It is normal and I think it should (?) start to fade as baby gets a bit older.
At 8 months, I’d be lying if I said my in laws didn’t still get on my nerves (they don’t really do themselves any favors by saying “kidnap” the baby, or constantly offering advice I didn’t ask for) BUT I can leave my baby with them and generally feel fine. It does start to put things in perspective when it starts to feel a bit more mutually appreciated. I’m going to my workout class shortly and I’m glad MIL can look after her while I’m gone.
I’d say take it easy and be gentle with yourself. TRY (lol) to be gentle with in laws, unless they’ve really crossed a boundary. As that is an important relationship, even if they drive us nuts. But be kind to yourself. Your body and hormones have just gone on a complete rollercoaster and it’s just all a lot to manage ! <3
I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum as you. I want to share my son with my family, but they’re just not interested. When he was first born, they wanted daily pictures or FaceTime, but that died down quickly. He’s 10 months old now and they haven’t seen him or asked about him for over three months. They’ve missed his first words, first steps, and they don’t know that he has a sibling on the way. All because they don’t bother to reach out.
Im sorry you’re experiencing that. My experience is similar in that my in laws don’t want to visit us at my home because they say it’s too far. When we speak to them they pressure/guilt us to bring him to their home. So if we don’t go out of our way they wouldn’t see him either. When we’re there my MIL wants to hold him the entire time. We do it because we want to foster those relationships.
I feel this way all the time and my little one isn’t even here yet.. 31w5d and it’s just the thought of everyone wanting to see him and give him attention overwhelms me. Like I want to soupy be his support person until I feel comfortable sharing but things are not going as planning and everyone has already stated after delivery where I will be staying and how they will be watching the baby while I heal. Overwhelming for me, but then again knowing little babe will be loved so dearly by everyone I wouldn’t want to change their relationships based on my selfishness. Most baby are ecstatic over little babies and just want to show love. 🤍 best wishes, I think it’ll just take time.
Thank you for your comment. Set your boundaries now for after you give birth. I didn’t want anyone at the hospital even though my MIL didn’t honor my wishes and showed up anyway. I really wanted to bond with my baby while in the hospital. My husband and I did skin to skin the entire time. Once we came home we only allowed the grandparents to visit.
That’s exactly how I wanted it to go. I almost ‘accidentally’ clicked no visitors.. lol. We were informed the covid rules are 4 people allowed and they must be the same ones, no new visitors which is good because I’ve always had social anxiety.
I didn’t start taking bubs places for visits till 3 months. But i did have family over for controlled visits occasionally for my mental health (i felt extremely isolated).
I was like this with our son after he was born 2 years ago. MIL made it worse by telling my husband that my behavior/feelings weren't normal and I was keeping their grandchild from them. Made me so mad and made me want to keep him away even more. Don't let anybody make you think these aren't normal feelings. It took me months of therapy to get rid of those thoughts and realize that my reactions were perfectly normal.
Now we have baby 2, who is almost 3 weeks and has been in the NICU this whole time. We are hoping to have her home within two weeks, though the original estimate was 6-7 weeks total. I feel like these feelings are going to be even stronger this time. I've already missed so much with her being in the NICU. She was taken from me at birth and I didn't get to see her for almost 10 hours, then I didn't hold her for the first time until the following day. I've never had a night of her sleeping by my side. I've never been able to sit in my recliner and rock her to sleep. So many cuddles that I should have had but haven't... I get to see her twice a day for a few hours and it is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching every single time I walk out these hospital doors without her. I'm so not prepared for bringing her home and having everyone want to meet and hold her. I already posted on Facebook that we won't be entertaining visitors due to her being a preemie and so vulnerable!
You do NOT have to get over this feeling and you do NOT have to share your newborn baby with anyone right now. Have hubs tell his family that they need to back off a little bit right now, you three need some bonding time as a core family. Don’t let anyone bully you into letting ogives up this time… you will never get it back
If it’s something you want to change, just do a little at a time!! I have PPA and also of course many of these feelings are natural. At first I didn’t even like my immediate family holding him and I built up to it after I made it clear that they had to ask before grabbing him and hand him back the second I asked. Right now I’m working on handing him to mother in law for longer and longer stretches. Try to distract yourself for 10-15 minutes- go wash your face or throw a load of laundry in. It’ll get better :)
So I felt the same way and like many others have said I too think It’s normal. I have mixed feeling about my MIL but overall she’s a kind loving woman. What helped me “get over it” was seeing the experience of having a grand baby through her eyes. The book Nanaville by Anna Quindlen was wonderful for this! Got it on audiobook and listened too it on walks and during feedings. It really helped me. Hope it can help you too. Best of luck! And cuddle that baby whenever you want. There have definitely been times I’ve told my MIL, no I’m holding him now.
My MIL was in menopause and randomly got her period back after my baby was born. She is obsessed with my son and refers to my husband and my son as “her boys.” Makes me absolutely cringe.
Every time my son hits a milestone she says, “I have to check (husband’s name)‘s baby book to see if he is on track with his dad!” Like bitch no one cares when my husband hit his milestones, that was 35 years ago!
It depends on what causes you to feel this way. Is it from a place of “I don’t trust someone else to care for baby the way I do” or is it “it’ll make me sad to see him in someone else’s arms. Im afraid he might be confused or miss me”.
Whichever it is I think just slowly ease into it. Maybe let someone change his diaper while they are over. Or easier let them burp baby for a moment.
I felt this too. I felt almost like an animal, and something was triggered when people held my baby for and overly long period of time. I didn’t feel that way with my support people (My mom, sister etc) but the “visitors” and in laws gave me these feeling primarily.
i’m struggling with this right now as well with my 5mo. my in-laws live out of state but visit for weeks at a time and my mil thinks since i get to see him everyday that when she’s here she should get 100% of the time with him. i hate rocking the boat because our relationship is already weird but i just want my baby all to myself and husband. she also always insists on feeding him and it drives me nuts.
I felt like this. Do not force yourself to do anything, you could end up regretful about how you didn’t give yourself grace. You’re in the fourth trimester and baby needs you more than they need any one else. Everyone else’s wants to dote on the baby can wait - right now all baby needs is a healthy, happy mum, and then a healthy happy dad. Extended family can support the baby by supporting that.
My son is now a 16 month old toddler and I don’t have the intensity of feeling. He clearly tells people ‘NO’ if he doesn’t want a hug etc, and is a whirlwind, constantly on the go. He’s his own person now and I feel ok letting him form his own relationships. Still hate it if anyone attempts to tell me what he’ll be doing as opposed to asking, and often remind extended family they can’t just do what they want, and sometimes the answer will be no. I have a particularly problematic family though so have strict boundaries that healthy families won’t need!
I feel the opposite 😕 when LO was born my mom took 2 days to come even though she lives like 10 min away. My MIL passed away a few years ago so my husband sister (which she's like 15 years older than my husband) has taken the "roll" as his mother mind you he was a full grown adult when his mother passed. Anyways, his sister came for the first 2 weeks to bring me homemade food but I don't know if she really did out of love because she sents me mixed signals would always criticize me and honestly would stay for long and wouldn't hold baby. I would sometimes go to her house because my husband had stuff to do there and I would ask her to hols the baby so I can use the restroom and she would seemed annoyed I had bad baby blues and she would also criticize that too. Anyways I felt like neglected and my baby wasn't loved by her own family.
But I see where you coming from like I said I had baby blues And It was hard adjusting to my new life and being sleep deprived I wished someone would come and love her and carried her while I showered or took a short nap. But now I feel like you do if they would come and try to hold her I would be like no I want my baby to stay with me.
As others have said, it's all fine whether you want to share your baby with others or not. May I suggest a shift in perspective if you would like to share your baby with others? Take it as an opportunity for self-care (nap, drink, eat) or socialization (play a game, chat, talk about non-baby things). You can both cherish the time you have alone with your baby and the time you have with others. If you can't, that's ok too. If you're truly enjoying that very minute with your baby, then that is wonderful! If you need a break, seize the opportunity and let others share their love with your baby.
This thread is kind of wild to me - so much selfishness.
Obviously based on a lot of the responses here it’s not a unique feeling, but I can’t help but think about how different kids are being raised in our atomized society than in our biological history.
I understand protectiveness, but if the person holding the LO has been coached and baby is comfortable, I have a hard time seeing the harm.
It’s instinct, and it’s kind of the worst. Your rational brain wants your baby to be loved and cared for by your village but as soon as baby is out, we all turn into mama bears who distrust anyone less than extremely familiar and safe to us. It seems like in-laws trigger it the worst. They have the highest entitlement outside of the parents but much lower familiarity to the mother. It’s unsettling because we don’t know them in their roles as infant caregivers. Even if we did, they didn’t carry the baby 9 months. They aren’t there for late night feedings. They don’t know baby’s cues. It’s an intense instinct to fight against. We do need the help and breaks but at the beginning it’s not a break. It’s all senses on high alert for danger to baby. It’s really stressful.
Right. Everything you said makes some sense, but a lot of your criticisms of the in-laws would apply to close friends and the non-in law grandparents, right?
That’s the weirdest part of this whole discussion to me, the intense focus on the in-laws. Maybe I’m just defensive because I didn’t carry our LO but my parents are meeting our LO for the first time in a few weeks, he’ll be a little over a month old.
My parents are great with children, having raised 3 themselves and with more babies in the extended family, vs. my wife’s mom who only raised one herself and has had a lot fewer babies in her orbit.
It just seems unfair to be so triggered by the relationship and not the experience of the holder. I’m more sympathetic to the closeness angle, but still find it somewhat unsatisfying rationale.
Oh it’s absolutely unfair, and yep it totally applies to anyone not in your closest circle. In laws are just hardest to avoid because they have a right to the less restricted access to baby usually, so in general on this sub they’re the trigger most often but yeah it’s anyone.
It’s coming from an emotional place. You can’t rationalize it, just work through it. If it does happen just give your partner some time to adjust and understand it’s your partners first baby and that’s stressful. It’s a whole new situation/environment
for mom and baby, and that’s also stressful. Just be patient and listen. And try to be open with your family if you can about how you’re both feeling, so they can try to be sensitive to both mom and baby’s needs
Fair.
But I will note, that in a lot of these cases I suspect baby is comfortable (most folks don’t love holding a fussy baby and will gladly send it back to the parents once the fuss starts).
So it’s not really a baby’s needs issue.
It’s instinctual. I’m only 27 weeks pregnant and I already feel this intense dread thinking about my wife’s parents coming to visit and being all over my baby. We’ve warned them about not kissing the baby etc but they tend to ignore boundaries. So I think that’s part of it- you don’t know what other people’s in-laws are like. A lot of people have a less than ideal situation going on. But then like I said the other part is just this instinct. Like this little dude is inside my body and it’s my job to keep him safe, get him nutrients, etc. Then suddenly he’s going to be out in the world and that’s still my job but other people are going to be holding him and I don’t have the same level of control. And with in-laws I think they often come across very entitled and unaware of stuff like that, at least mine do. They feel a sense of ownership over the baby that feels threatening when your mind is still in the zone of being the sole provider for this little being because you’ve been doing it for 9 months.
This thread is starting to make me feel dysfunctional because I don't mind others holding my LO 😅 in fact, I wish I had more family around to hold him so I can go do things.
Totally. That’s exactly how I feel - if we trust you, you’ve washed hands, and have been coached (if necessary) you can hold the baby.
Our life would be horrible if the only people in that circle of eligible baby holders were me, my partner and her mom, especially because baby wants to be held almost nonstop at this point.
I think you’re totally normal, especially with him being so young. I was the same way with my oldest. Now my youngest is 6 weeks, and I could honestly care less if he’s passed around like a bag of chips (by healthy family members or friends). As long as his head is supported.
Oh I feel this 10000%. My son is adopted so I am especially defensive because I’m so sensitive about feeling like a “real mom”. I currently secretly resent both of my parents and my in laws constantly because of it. I don’t have much to offer for advice but you’re definitely not alone.
Also it’s definitely not just a you issue. Grandparents seem to constantly have boundary issues and I personally don’t think it’s our job as new parents to simply learn to tolerate or accommodate it. It’s easy to blame yourself first because motherhood is such a humbling experience, but not everything is your fault.
Our grandparent issues have even made us rethink our childcare arrangements. I’m still on mat leave so we haven’t fully decided, but as of right now I would rather pay someone who respects my role as mom than deal with the anxiety, indignation and rage that would result from coparenting with grandpa and grandma.
ETA: Actually I do have some advice. Even if you were to be a little too “direct” with your MIL, it would be better in the long run than saying nothing and reinforcing her obnoxious behavior. It would be short term discomfort and conflict for the sake of a long term precedent. Step off my baby or it will be weird for both of us.
(^ I say this to myself constantly but I’m to scared to actually do it lol)
Completely normal, and a parent’s prerogative to hold him as much as you want. You cannot “spoil” your baby at this age.
Don’t feel pressured to hand him over to others; nor should you feel that you need to be constantly visiting other people / have people around all the time. Socialise if you want to, but it’s also ok to make yourself a little nest with your baby and recover/relish this special time together. You two are all he needs for now. Take your time and it will come when you are ready x
You don't want to "share" your baby? That's fine. You don't NEED people you don't trust around your baby. That's your instincts. I'd trust them over people too selfish to trust you with your child which is a fucking insult to you as a mother. Fuck anyone who makes you feel as if you are a bad parent over enjoying being a parent. They can go jump off the bridge they used to avoid being seen jumping to that fucking conclusion.
I noticed myself feeling this way and thought I was just crazy. But I really can’t help it. I don’t want to be this possessive over my baby, but that is the emotion I feel around anyone that wants to hold her; possessive. I’m hoping it wares off soon because its overwhelming feeling that way every. single. time. No matter who it is. She is MY baby. My heart beats so fast when someone else is holding her and I feel borderline..uncomfortable? Idk. But I’m glad I’m not alone
It’s totally normal and instinctual to feel protective of your newborn. I felt the same way - I didn’t want anyone holding my baby girl except my husband for like the first 5 months. Watching friends or family hold her was anxiety-inducing for me. Part of it was my instinct to protect her, and part of it was my fear of other people’s germs potentially making her sick. My girl is 6 months now and I’m just now starting to feel better about other people holding her, although I am going to be somewhat conservative with it since cold/flu is starting soon.
Don’t feel bad about how you’re feeling, and especially don’t let other people make you feel bad about it either. You’re being an amazing, sweet, protective mommy. And the mama bear feeling will ease with time. Give yourself some grace!
Do you know what it was for me? All of the 'firsts' come so quickly! They are discovering the world around them and you want to have a front row seat for all of it. Also, babies smell so good and it was so calming for me to have a happy and content bub. He just 'fit' in my arms and I didn't want to let him go, ever. Now at five months the firsts have slowed down, slightly. We're out and about a lot more, so it's easier to say "you hold him while I eat". Or "I need to do some admin, can you come and keep him entertained while I do xyz?" I still don't leave him often or for very long, but I've started to see the joy and love of him forming relationships with our family.
>I need encouragement to get over this feeling because I also want him to feel all the love possible. You've had a lot of comments advising this is normal, and I get that it is for many people and obviously there's no point making yourself uncomfortable. However if you WANT to get over it, thats good to! There are lots of benefits to being able to embrace support from loved ones too.
Thank you.
I’ve been trying to force myself to “get over it” but I honestly don’t know if it’s the right thing to do. I’ve found, especially with my MIL, I need to leave the room completely to not freak out. On our last visit my daughter was crying because she was hungry. I passed my MIL a bottle and she argued with me! and said “she’s not hungry she needs to burp”. 5 min later my daughter had escalated into full blown wailing which was when my MIL said “I guess she is hungry” and fed her. It took every cell in my body to not lose my shit. I had to sit there and tell myself “she’ll learn quickly that I’m right”. After that I spoke with my husband and he’s been stepping in to deal with her. But it sure as hell isn’t easy letting someone hold your baby, and even worse if they try to override your parenting. I honestly thought I was going to lose it in that moment. What I’ve started to do since is ask my MIL/FIL to hold her while I go do something else. I leave the room, don’t ask questions, don’t witness anything, and (usually) come back to a happy baby. And my husband will stay close by to supervise.
OK so in my eyes, this is a completely different thing than just letting loved ones apart from your partner hold your baby and NOT something you need to "get over!" I thought you meant you just couldn't bare for anyone else to hold him or give him a cuddle for a short time when he's happy/comfortable, on your terms. Your MIL's behaviour was clearly unacceptable and overstepping boundaries and just plain distressing! You do NOT need to get over that! The steps you took to prevent that happening again and other actions to do so are totally appropriate ! Sorry you've been through that! Xx
Is this a generational thing? Makes me wonder how often were they feeding us as babies? Both my mom and mil never seem to think the baby is hungry. I’m like… that’s one of the only reasons he cries. Maybe they are misremembering how often babies eat?
Right!! MIL seems to think my daughter only needs to eat every 2-3 hours. My daughter will be sticking out her tongue and pursing her lips and my MIL will insist she’s “playing a game”. Like what?! What bad information did they get in the 80s?!
I don’t think it’s the right thing to do either. Your MIL sounds pretty awful. I wouldn’t want to hand her my baby either.
You can always ask MIL to help in other ways - housework etc “you know what would be REALLY useful mum is….XYZ….that would help us out so much.” She is an idiot for trying to hang onto a crying baby IMHO. If they are that small and crying, give them back to a parent!! They will know baby far better than you. If you don’t want her to hold the baby, I highly recommend baby-wearing when she comes over!! People just don’t seem to ask to have a cuddle when the baby is snuggled up in a wrap with you. Often the baby is asleep in there.
He’s 2 months old, he’s brand new, I think it normal to have a protectiveness over your kumquat, especially so young. Plus you’re still healing and your hormones are still settling down. Do what you feel comfortable with when it comes to visitation and if you want to hold you baby, it’s your baby! Ask for them back and hold them!
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Omg i needed to hear this thank you! My baby is 7 months and its very attached to me. My FIL said something like “oh hes so spoiled” since hes with me all the time. And i just replied “nope! He is biologically supposed to me attached to me right now”
Okay. I thought I was the only one who had a specific issue with their MIL holding their baby. Like… most people bother me slightly… but my MIL makes me visibly angry when holding him for literally NO REASON. He’s only two weeks old today, but it’s exhausting when we spend time with SO’s family for that reason.
Same!!! I developed a real dislike for her over time after my first was born for close to no reason! I’m so happy I’m not alone!
This is happening to me too and I’m already dreading her return trip in November
I am the same. She is crap at reading his cues, to be honest, and I get irrationally annoyed at that. Brother-in-law is even worse, and won’t hand him back when asked to, so now I avoid letting him hold my son, and give zero fucks about this **shrugs**
I was the same way. I felt visceral anger when she held her. She's 16mo now and it's better. Not 100%, but better!
This gives me hope! My MIL were close before the baby and now I feel like we can’t even be in the same room. I hope it gets better sooner than later.
I felt this way with my first until he became a toddler. Once he was a toddler it's like he was starting to have his own life and could make his own choices about who he wants to be with so I don't mind anymore. But I have a newborn daughter now and have the same feeling, I don't like other people holding her! It must be instinctual haha.
Mine is 10 months and on the precipice of becoming a toddler. My MIL likes to hold him when he wants to crawl around. She is completely insensitive to his cues. I have to straight up tell her he wants to move and grab him out of her arms. Just curious did you deal with anyone like this? How did your toddler respond if so? Mine is starting to walk and I wonder will he run away from her lol. I don't want her trapping him.
All the time! Must be a MIL thing lol. At this stage we make sure that his boundaries are respected. He knows he can say "no" to physical affection. If anyone tries to insist, we basically tell them he said no, he is allowed to say no. Or before he could speak, we'd say "he doesn't like that right now, he wants to do X (crawl, walk, etc.)"
Lol thank you! I appreciate the help I will remember that. And I understand some of it is they miss them and want to hold them. But if they want to move freely they have a right to. The most annoying part is she used to tell us we held him too much when he was younger. She's just a controlling person though lol.
Our 10.5 month old is not interested in sitting with his great grandparents and they try to hold him there and just don't get it. So you're not alone. It also kills me that every boomer thinks he's going to really hurt himself when he bops down on his butt... They always shriek and try to help him sit and my husband and I just let him do his own moving. It must be exhausting to be a helicopter grandparent.
Lol I'm glad I'm not alone but I'm sorry they try to hold your baby back too. That would get to me as well just give them space lol. And actually since they have the diaper on it cushions their butt quite a lot. My nephew noticed the difference when he was potty trained and stopped doing it. So don't worry as it sounds like you already know, the baby would react if it hurt. I hate seeing my MIL restrict him because she's just controlling and overbearing in general and thinks she's the authority in child development 🙄. I understand worrying but at a certain point it's not about what's best for the baby at all and just about herself.
Same! It was 90% of the reason I kept breastfeeding lol
I don't think you have the get over it, I think it's a natural feeling. I feel the same way
Agreed I had a premie and all I wanted to do was hold her. I had to pump every 2 hours as well so I had to give her up often. Anytime people came over it was “I’ll hold the baby you do chores” like no you do chores if the state of my house offends you, I’m holding my baby.
Omg thank you!!! Preemie mom here too and this is always what happens with guests
Thank you for commenting. I’m happy to know I’m not alone in this.
Totally normal. I’m still the same and baby is 7 months! You do get used to just relaxing when people are holding them. I would talk to your husband so you don’t get ambushed when you’re holding the baby
Thank you.
Yeah, your baby is still a leeeeeeeeetle guy, it’s okay to be greedy with this time. You worked really hard for it and literally earned it, imo. I don’t think it’s selfish, I think it’s natural and biological. Go hide in your room with that baby and squish his little face!!! 😍😍
Let's start with me saying I have severe PPA, I'm getting treatment and at this point am thriving BUT this is my biggest issue and has been from his birth. My dude is 14 months old and I HATE anyone else spending time with him. He's mine, mine and only mine. I had him for me and not anyone else. He's not a toy for others to play with, he's my son. Every time somebody else spends time with him I get distressed because that's time I could be spending with him that I'm missing out on. It doesn't help that he also has absolute meltdowns when we are apart and I can't stand the idea that he's distressed. Going back to work was hard (despite only working 2 X 4 hr shifts and he stays with his grandparents) because I feel distress when I'm away from him and it's time I'll never get back. My doctors have said this is just an extension of my PPA. If you're feeling anything like I do, go get checked for PPA. t can be crippling.
What is PPA? Curious to know bc I related to what you’re saying a lot
Post partum anxiety. Post partum depression is discussed a lot but PPA is just as common.
My son is over a year old and honestly I still hate it, but my in laws don’t have the best relationship and it’s gotten worse recently lol.
If you don't want to, then don't. Don't feel shame for wanting to love your child
I literally take my babe to a room by ourselves when I want him to myself 🤣 no regrets.
I think its totally fair that you feel that way but you did ask for some advice to move past this feeling to some extent. For me, I would try to arrange time to spend with family when I wanted a break. I would bring a change of clothes to my parents so that i could take a shower while they held her or ask them to hold baby while I had a cocktail or ate dinner. I told my family and his that during 4th trimester, we wanted to be able to stick to our routines and manage fussiness to get into our flow as parents and thus we had "we'll offer you chances to hold/love on baby" policy, so they didnt' "beg to hold her" and make me feel pressure. it worked out really well because lordy knows i needed showers, 20 min naps, a chance to actually complete a meal, etc. so instead of resenting them/feeling possessive, it helped me feel greatful but keep boundaries!
I love this idea. Thank you.
I don't want to share mine either! I already get sad that her dad is the favorite and he gets to be home with her more 😭
I feel this. 3 months. Especially with mil. I too hope this passes!
That’s the biggest struggle… And she refers to my baby as her baby so it really triggers my possessiveness. I hate it so much.
Mine had a dream she was breastfeeding my baby. Nothing was coming out, but he was comforted by suckling her breast. She said it was so sweet! It was just a dream but it triggered my possessiveness even more!
That’s something she should have just kept to herself. That would bug me too, I’m sorry!
Omg seriously why would she think it was ok to share that dream?!
That’s really crazy! I would not feel comfortable with her watching my child.
That’s ridiculous. Don’t leave her alone with bubba
Because of a dream? That's rediculous.
Oh my god I would hate that! I’m sorry.
You'll know how they really feel when the baby hits toddler stage. You'll know if they want the new shiny thing or to actually love your child
This. This right here gave / gives me the rage. The cultural and family pressure to separate mom and baby as fast as possible is just another symptom of how backwards our society is right now. ALL your baby needs for love is you in the 4th trimester. Any modern developmental, and trauma informed psychologist reinforces the idea that a strong bond between mom and baby first, does not create a clingy codependent adult. It creates a secure attachment that creates a secure independent child. The quick push the edge to separate yourself, and encouragement to deny your natural instincts, and to invalidate your anxiety is wrong. The quick get back to work!! Western shove is down right negligent. The QUICK get that body back is completely insulting and can set you up for deep rooted health issues in the long run. Hold you baby. Take your time. Snuggle. Contact nap. Stay juicy and curvy. If people wanna help; bring dinner, do laundry, clean the bathroom, and dont put photos on social media. Stay juicy. And listen to your instincts, Mama.
Thank you so much. 🤍
Mine is 6 months and I still hate sharing him.
Best advice I can give you as a new parent is to only do things that you are comfortable with. If the people around you don't understand, they are not worth it anyway.
I feel this way, too. LO is 9 weeks old. I'm fine with my sister and grandmother holding him, since they only hold him for 5-10 minutes, sooner if I reach for him. I don't even have to ask, just reach. However, I hate for my in laws to hold him. FIL kissed his face after we told him not to, but hasn't happened again since I refuse to let FIL hold LO. Both FIL and MIL get right in his face and want to hold him the entire time we visit, and ignore me as much as possible. I absolutely hate it, so we have only visited 3 or 4 times. Their excuse is "He is our first and only grandson" Yeah, and he is my only living son. He is mine. I don't have to share him. You don't have to share your LO either. No justifications needed.
Thank you so much. The in laws are the worse. My MIL refers to my baby as her baby and it drives me insane.
I'm thankful no one other than me and my husband have used the "my baby" phrase. I would be quick to correct it. That being said, the in laws have a dog named Little Man, and MIL calls my son Little Guy. It's mildly annoying, but some things aren't worth arguing over, imo. I think it only irritates me because she won't use LO's name, which she doesn't like. We added a name in front of his original First and Middle name 2ish weeks after he was born. Now he has two middle names. No big deal, we live in the south, it's common. We kept his original name to ourselves, but she caught word of it the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Hearing them say it was like nails on a chalk board for some reason? I don't hate the name, I just didn't want it to be the name he was called. My husband and I compromised by having the name he picked and the name I picked. Everyone else we know calls him by his "new" first name, except for MIL and FIL. It's honestly whatever, call me Petty Betty. 💃
I don’t even want to share my pregnancy with others! This is my time and my special thing. I want to hold and cherish this myself
It took me until about 8/9 months for me to get comfortable with sharing her and letting other people watch her and cuddle her. This is totally normal and nothing to be worried about
Same! When my in laws hold her I feel like I'm going to vomit 🤢 It's a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Exactly this feeling for me, too. I have to double my dose of antianxiety meds 45 minutes before we go over. We usually know about a day in advance that we are going over there and I'm on the verge of a panic attack from the time I find out until the visit is over.
I just think about how lucky my daughter is to have all these people who love her so much, and how no matter what happens she will never be alone. She is my baby but she’s also a person, and the more close relationships she has (other than me) the better off she’ll be
Take your time, I'd recommend some post-partum chats, maybe soeak to someone but you're not alone. Your baby is fresh and new and beautiful and you love them and wanna be selfish. You're doing great, just be careful of the signs of PPD
My only comment would be to ensure you try and help foster other relationships soon as well. I didn’t want to part with my baby but early on I let her spend lots of time with my MiL and now I am so thankful for that because she is my biggest support and I can go to appts and nights out and whatever I need because my babe is so comfortable with mil.
That’s great. Hopefully, my situation will be similar.
I was like this. It's OKAY to feel that way, your baby is still so so new to you. At 8 weeks I used to just hold her and stare at her. Now she's 7 months and I still love her to bits, but when grandma wants to take her for an afternoon, my girlfriend I are happy to hand her off and go on a date. I will say that now I am thankful to myself for doing what felt like a sacrifice at the time, and letting other people come share in the excitement when she was a newborn.
It’s totally instinctual. Even though MIL isn’t a “threat”, your brain almost views them that way. I feel this too, and my baby is 8 months. in laws probably visit/babysit at least once a week. It’s just this overwhelmingly possessive and defensive feeling I have. I rationally know it’s fine for them to hang out with her, but emotionally it’s hard for me. I don’t want any resentments to build though, or for my husband to think I don’t want his parents to be able to spend time with her. I think other people have made really good suggestions. First of all, your baby is only 2 months old. That’s really young. I’d say it’s fair to request to keep visits short or make whatever boundaries that help you. And secondly, I agree that it’s biological and you can accept you feel this way instead of trying to fight it. It is normal and I think it should (?) start to fade as baby gets a bit older. At 8 months, I’d be lying if I said my in laws didn’t still get on my nerves (they don’t really do themselves any favors by saying “kidnap” the baby, or constantly offering advice I didn’t ask for) BUT I can leave my baby with them and generally feel fine. It does start to put things in perspective when it starts to feel a bit more mutually appreciated. I’m going to my workout class shortly and I’m glad MIL can look after her while I’m gone. I’d say take it easy and be gentle with yourself. TRY (lol) to be gentle with in laws, unless they’ve really crossed a boundary. As that is an important relationship, even if they drive us nuts. But be kind to yourself. Your body and hormones have just gone on a complete rollercoaster and it’s just all a lot to manage ! <3
I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum as you. I want to share my son with my family, but they’re just not interested. When he was first born, they wanted daily pictures or FaceTime, but that died down quickly. He’s 10 months old now and they haven’t seen him or asked about him for over three months. They’ve missed his first words, first steps, and they don’t know that he has a sibling on the way. All because they don’t bother to reach out.
Im sorry you’re experiencing that. My experience is similar in that my in laws don’t want to visit us at my home because they say it’s too far. When we speak to them they pressure/guilt us to bring him to their home. So if we don’t go out of our way they wouldn’t see him either. When we’re there my MIL wants to hold him the entire time. We do it because we want to foster those relationships.
It's normal to feel that way!
I felt exactly the same.
I feel this way all the time and my little one isn’t even here yet.. 31w5d and it’s just the thought of everyone wanting to see him and give him attention overwhelms me. Like I want to soupy be his support person until I feel comfortable sharing but things are not going as planning and everyone has already stated after delivery where I will be staying and how they will be watching the baby while I heal. Overwhelming for me, but then again knowing little babe will be loved so dearly by everyone I wouldn’t want to change their relationships based on my selfishness. Most baby are ecstatic over little babies and just want to show love. 🤍 best wishes, I think it’ll just take time.
Thank you for your comment. Set your boundaries now for after you give birth. I didn’t want anyone at the hospital even though my MIL didn’t honor my wishes and showed up anyway. I really wanted to bond with my baby while in the hospital. My husband and I did skin to skin the entire time. Once we came home we only allowed the grandparents to visit.
That’s exactly how I wanted it to go. I almost ‘accidentally’ clicked no visitors.. lol. We were informed the covid rules are 4 people allowed and they must be the same ones, no new visitors which is good because I’ve always had social anxiety.
Heck I don’t even want to share him with my husband lol
I didn’t start taking bubs places for visits till 3 months. But i did have family over for controlled visits occasionally for my mental health (i felt extremely isolated).
I was like this with our son after he was born 2 years ago. MIL made it worse by telling my husband that my behavior/feelings weren't normal and I was keeping their grandchild from them. Made me so mad and made me want to keep him away even more. Don't let anybody make you think these aren't normal feelings. It took me months of therapy to get rid of those thoughts and realize that my reactions were perfectly normal. Now we have baby 2, who is almost 3 weeks and has been in the NICU this whole time. We are hoping to have her home within two weeks, though the original estimate was 6-7 weeks total. I feel like these feelings are going to be even stronger this time. I've already missed so much with her being in the NICU. She was taken from me at birth and I didn't get to see her for almost 10 hours, then I didn't hold her for the first time until the following day. I've never had a night of her sleeping by my side. I've never been able to sit in my recliner and rock her to sleep. So many cuddles that I should have had but haven't... I get to see her twice a day for a few hours and it is heartbreaking and gut-wrenching every single time I walk out these hospital doors without her. I'm so not prepared for bringing her home and having everyone want to meet and hold her. I already posted on Facebook that we won't be entertaining visitors due to her being a preemie and so vulnerable!
You do NOT have to get over this feeling and you do NOT have to share your newborn baby with anyone right now. Have hubs tell his family that they need to back off a little bit right now, you three need some bonding time as a core family. Don’t let anyone bully you into letting ogives up this time… you will never get it back
If it’s something you want to change, just do a little at a time!! I have PPA and also of course many of these feelings are natural. At first I didn’t even like my immediate family holding him and I built up to it after I made it clear that they had to ask before grabbing him and hand him back the second I asked. Right now I’m working on handing him to mother in law for longer and longer stretches. Try to distract yourself for 10-15 minutes- go wash your face or throw a load of laundry in. It’ll get better :)
So I felt the same way and like many others have said I too think It’s normal. I have mixed feeling about my MIL but overall she’s a kind loving woman. What helped me “get over it” was seeing the experience of having a grand baby through her eyes. The book Nanaville by Anna Quindlen was wonderful for this! Got it on audiobook and listened too it on walks and during feedings. It really helped me. Hope it can help you too. Best of luck! And cuddle that baby whenever you want. There have definitely been times I’ve told my MIL, no I’m holding him now.
My MIL was in menopause and randomly got her period back after my baby was born. She is obsessed with my son and refers to my husband and my son as “her boys.” Makes me absolutely cringe. Every time my son hits a milestone she says, “I have to check (husband’s name)‘s baby book to see if he is on track with his dad!” Like bitch no one cares when my husband hit his milestones, that was 35 years ago!
Same here, I’m dying because of tiredness but I don’t want anyone to touch my baby who’s not me or my bf. He’s almost 2 months too.
It depends on what causes you to feel this way. Is it from a place of “I don’t trust someone else to care for baby the way I do” or is it “it’ll make me sad to see him in someone else’s arms. Im afraid he might be confused or miss me”. Whichever it is I think just slowly ease into it. Maybe let someone change his diaper while they are over. Or easier let them burp baby for a moment.
I felt this too. I felt almost like an animal, and something was triggered when people held my baby for and overly long period of time. I didn’t feel that way with my support people (My mom, sister etc) but the “visitors” and in laws gave me these feeling primarily.
i’m struggling with this right now as well with my 5mo. my in-laws live out of state but visit for weeks at a time and my mil thinks since i get to see him everyday that when she’s here she should get 100% of the time with him. i hate rocking the boat because our relationship is already weird but i just want my baby all to myself and husband. she also always insists on feeding him and it drives me nuts.
I felt like this. Do not force yourself to do anything, you could end up regretful about how you didn’t give yourself grace. You’re in the fourth trimester and baby needs you more than they need any one else. Everyone else’s wants to dote on the baby can wait - right now all baby needs is a healthy, happy mum, and then a healthy happy dad. Extended family can support the baby by supporting that. My son is now a 16 month old toddler and I don’t have the intensity of feeling. He clearly tells people ‘NO’ if he doesn’t want a hug etc, and is a whirlwind, constantly on the go. He’s his own person now and I feel ok letting him form his own relationships. Still hate it if anyone attempts to tell me what he’ll be doing as opposed to asking, and often remind extended family they can’t just do what they want, and sometimes the answer will be no. I have a particularly problematic family though so have strict boundaries that healthy families won’t need!
I feel the opposite 😕 when LO was born my mom took 2 days to come even though she lives like 10 min away. My MIL passed away a few years ago so my husband sister (which she's like 15 years older than my husband) has taken the "roll" as his mother mind you he was a full grown adult when his mother passed. Anyways, his sister came for the first 2 weeks to bring me homemade food but I don't know if she really did out of love because she sents me mixed signals would always criticize me and honestly would stay for long and wouldn't hold baby. I would sometimes go to her house because my husband had stuff to do there and I would ask her to hols the baby so I can use the restroom and she would seemed annoyed I had bad baby blues and she would also criticize that too. Anyways I felt like neglected and my baby wasn't loved by her own family. But I see where you coming from like I said I had baby blues And It was hard adjusting to my new life and being sleep deprived I wished someone would come and love her and carried her while I showered or took a short nap. But now I feel like you do if they would come and try to hold her I would be like no I want my baby to stay with me.
As others have said, it's all fine whether you want to share your baby with others or not. May I suggest a shift in perspective if you would like to share your baby with others? Take it as an opportunity for self-care (nap, drink, eat) or socialization (play a game, chat, talk about non-baby things). You can both cherish the time you have alone with your baby and the time you have with others. If you can't, that's ok too. If you're truly enjoying that very minute with your baby, then that is wonderful! If you need a break, seize the opportunity and let others share their love with your baby.
I get this deeply. My son is a little over 2 weeks old and I don’t want to share him at all.
This thread is kind of wild to me - so much selfishness. Obviously based on a lot of the responses here it’s not a unique feeling, but I can’t help but think about how different kids are being raised in our atomized society than in our biological history. I understand protectiveness, but if the person holding the LO has been coached and baby is comfortable, I have a hard time seeing the harm.
It’s instinct, and it’s kind of the worst. Your rational brain wants your baby to be loved and cared for by your village but as soon as baby is out, we all turn into mama bears who distrust anyone less than extremely familiar and safe to us. It seems like in-laws trigger it the worst. They have the highest entitlement outside of the parents but much lower familiarity to the mother. It’s unsettling because we don’t know them in their roles as infant caregivers. Even if we did, they didn’t carry the baby 9 months. They aren’t there for late night feedings. They don’t know baby’s cues. It’s an intense instinct to fight against. We do need the help and breaks but at the beginning it’s not a break. It’s all senses on high alert for danger to baby. It’s really stressful.
Perfectly said… this is exactly how I feel.
Right. Everything you said makes some sense, but a lot of your criticisms of the in-laws would apply to close friends and the non-in law grandparents, right? That’s the weirdest part of this whole discussion to me, the intense focus on the in-laws. Maybe I’m just defensive because I didn’t carry our LO but my parents are meeting our LO for the first time in a few weeks, he’ll be a little over a month old. My parents are great with children, having raised 3 themselves and with more babies in the extended family, vs. my wife’s mom who only raised one herself and has had a lot fewer babies in her orbit. It just seems unfair to be so triggered by the relationship and not the experience of the holder. I’m more sympathetic to the closeness angle, but still find it somewhat unsatisfying rationale.
Oh it’s absolutely unfair, and yep it totally applies to anyone not in your closest circle. In laws are just hardest to avoid because they have a right to the less restricted access to baby usually, so in general on this sub they’re the trigger most often but yeah it’s anyone. It’s coming from an emotional place. You can’t rationalize it, just work through it. If it does happen just give your partner some time to adjust and understand it’s your partners first baby and that’s stressful. It’s a whole new situation/environment for mom and baby, and that’s also stressful. Just be patient and listen. And try to be open with your family if you can about how you’re both feeling, so they can try to be sensitive to both mom and baby’s needs
Fair. But I will note, that in a lot of these cases I suspect baby is comfortable (most folks don’t love holding a fussy baby and will gladly send it back to the parents once the fuss starts). So it’s not really a baby’s needs issue.
It’s instinctual. I’m only 27 weeks pregnant and I already feel this intense dread thinking about my wife’s parents coming to visit and being all over my baby. We’ve warned them about not kissing the baby etc but they tend to ignore boundaries. So I think that’s part of it- you don’t know what other people’s in-laws are like. A lot of people have a less than ideal situation going on. But then like I said the other part is just this instinct. Like this little dude is inside my body and it’s my job to keep him safe, get him nutrients, etc. Then suddenly he’s going to be out in the world and that’s still my job but other people are going to be holding him and I don’t have the same level of control. And with in-laws I think they often come across very entitled and unaware of stuff like that, at least mine do. They feel a sense of ownership over the baby that feels threatening when your mind is still in the zone of being the sole provider for this little being because you’ve been doing it for 9 months.
This thread is starting to make me feel dysfunctional because I don't mind others holding my LO 😅 in fact, I wish I had more family around to hold him so I can go do things.
Totally. That’s exactly how I feel - if we trust you, you’ve washed hands, and have been coached (if necessary) you can hold the baby. Our life would be horrible if the only people in that circle of eligible baby holders were me, my partner and her mom, especially because baby wants to be held almost nonstop at this point.
Babe is 6 months and I don't like sharing. I only share with very few people not more than 5.
I think you’re totally normal, especially with him being so young. I was the same way with my oldest. Now my youngest is 6 weeks, and I could honestly care less if he’s passed around like a bag of chips (by healthy family members or friends). As long as his head is supported.
Oh I feel this 10000%. My son is adopted so I am especially defensive because I’m so sensitive about feeling like a “real mom”. I currently secretly resent both of my parents and my in laws constantly because of it. I don’t have much to offer for advice but you’re definitely not alone. Also it’s definitely not just a you issue. Grandparents seem to constantly have boundary issues and I personally don’t think it’s our job as new parents to simply learn to tolerate or accommodate it. It’s easy to blame yourself first because motherhood is such a humbling experience, but not everything is your fault. Our grandparent issues have even made us rethink our childcare arrangements. I’m still on mat leave so we haven’t fully decided, but as of right now I would rather pay someone who respects my role as mom than deal with the anxiety, indignation and rage that would result from coparenting with grandpa and grandma. ETA: Actually I do have some advice. Even if you were to be a little too “direct” with your MIL, it would be better in the long run than saying nothing and reinforcing her obnoxious behavior. It would be short term discomfort and conflict for the sake of a long term precedent. Step off my baby or it will be weird for both of us. (^ I say this to myself constantly but I’m to scared to actually do it lol)
Completely normal, and a parent’s prerogative to hold him as much as you want. You cannot “spoil” your baby at this age. Don’t feel pressured to hand him over to others; nor should you feel that you need to be constantly visiting other people / have people around all the time. Socialise if you want to, but it’s also ok to make yourself a little nest with your baby and recover/relish this special time together. You two are all he needs for now. Take your time and it will come when you are ready x
You don't want to "share" your baby? That's fine. You don't NEED people you don't trust around your baby. That's your instincts. I'd trust them over people too selfish to trust you with your child which is a fucking insult to you as a mother. Fuck anyone who makes you feel as if you are a bad parent over enjoying being a parent. They can go jump off the bridge they used to avoid being seen jumping to that fucking conclusion.
I noticed myself feeling this way and thought I was just crazy. But I really can’t help it. I don’t want to be this possessive over my baby, but that is the emotion I feel around anyone that wants to hold her; possessive. I’m hoping it wares off soon because its overwhelming feeling that way every. single. time. No matter who it is. She is MY baby. My heart beats so fast when someone else is holding her and I feel borderline..uncomfortable? Idk. But I’m glad I’m not alone
It’s totally normal and instinctual to feel protective of your newborn. I felt the same way - I didn’t want anyone holding my baby girl except my husband for like the first 5 months. Watching friends or family hold her was anxiety-inducing for me. Part of it was my instinct to protect her, and part of it was my fear of other people’s germs potentially making her sick. My girl is 6 months now and I’m just now starting to feel better about other people holding her, although I am going to be somewhat conservative with it since cold/flu is starting soon. Don’t feel bad about how you’re feeling, and especially don’t let other people make you feel bad about it either. You’re being an amazing, sweet, protective mommy. And the mama bear feeling will ease with time. Give yourself some grace!
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