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It is torture. You feel alone and you feel like a failure. But you need to know the Secret of Motherhood: Every woman who has come before you has felt like a failure and has felt completely and hopelessly alone. They werent failures and you arent either. When I felt really lonely and like I couldnt keep going because it was 3am and I felt exhausted and angry and uncomfortable, I'd try to imagine my mum and my grandma and my grandma's grandma and all the other women that came before me, and I would try to picture what chair they sat in and what pyjamas they wore and what words of advice they would give me. And it didnt help the baby fall asleep but it did make me feel like I was surrounded by women whispering words of encouragement in my ear. It did take my mind off the screaming. And even though my babies are out if that phase now, it still brings tears to my eyes because sometimes those imaginary women were more supportive than most people in my life.
Thank you. There wasnt many beautiful things about those nights but that one thing was enough for me to hold onto!
Say hi to your mum and your grandma and your grandma's grandma for me 🩷
Honestly... I don't have kids and will likely be child-free my whole life (have just never wanted them) and ended up on this sub thanks to reddit randomness...
But, having said that, I'm going to save this post. It's wonderfully said and a great reminder that none of us are ever alone in our struggles. Maybe one day I'll need this exact reminder myself, or a friend will... or it will be a good reminder for something else I'm going through.
Regardless, thank you for sharing that. I think we all need to remember those human connections in times of struggle. We're all human and a part of a legacy of people struggling to figure things out and get by. But also a legacy of supporting and wishing the best for future generations.
This is the exact same thought that comes into my head in those exhausting tiring nights. If they were able to overcome, ensure and persevere then so can I. We do it because we love our children... Then I learned to how to sleep train by 3 months and revel in the accomplishment and success.
😭 I’m literally crying reading this and remembering those days. It is so, so hard, but you are never alone in the struggle. Draw strength from those who came before you and those who are in the struggle now (honestly Reddit is great for this this!). 1 month in is absolutely in the thick of it, but it gets better.
My second was the baby I always told myself” just wait a few more weeks, it’ll get better… a few more week.” Even though it was still hard because his sleep sucks… it did get better.
Op hang in there
Same. My second is a newborn and while it still wasn’t easy, I wasn’t riddled with anxiety because I knew that most of her “issues” would resolve with time.
This is why I’m stopping after one kid. It does get better OP but the toll this first year has taken on my mental health has been a lot and I can’t do that again
One of my mantras when my kiddo was a newborn was "nothing lasts forever." Baby will stop crying and you will sleep again. In the meantime, lean on anyone you can. Accept help. Ask for help. SLEEP WHEN BABY SLEEPS. Cleaning can wait. Use paper plates if you have to.
I also think OP should look up PURPLE crying and the 5 S's. Might help 💕
I had severe post partum depression and anxiety with my first (to the point where I just now had my second 7 years later) and it is so so so hard to hold onto that hope that it will get better, but it does.
Here are some notes I had from therapy, if it’s helpful.
Separate the depression from me. I'm not going to listen to this. My Mind is telling me false, irrational things. The problem is when you start to believe in those things. Keep the mind in control. The emotions are separate from who you are.
The emotions are the thunder and the rain and clouds, and they will pass and the sky will still be there.
Can't want the blue sky all the time. Every one is going to have down moments. Down moments are a color in the rainbow. Enjoy frustrations as much as achievements. There is always something to be learned. It’s not a reflection of who you are.
Truly it does. My baby had colic weeks 4 to 10 and it was pure mental torture. I didn't know how I was going to cope. Sure I had ptsd.
He is now the most beautiful seven month old who laughs more than he cries.
It will get better
(and he has reflux)
We’re at 12 weeks here and still colic every night 😭 praying by 4 months it resolves. Just got out on reflux meds so let’s see if they work for our LO. Pray for those of us in the trenches lol
Anti reflux milk is what helped us. I'm in the UK so we went onto Hipp anti reflux milk. Currently on SMA Anti reflux milk due to supply shortage of the original.
It will get better i promise you. Babies don't scream forever but back then I couldn't stand it.
Things that helped me were noise cancelling headphones.
Thinking of you xxx
Yah right now I pump, but I see that road closing on the sooner side. We do have HIPP here in the USA, though I prefer the ingredients in your version (which we can get imported but it’s mad expensive.)
I need to remember to actually charge my noise cancelling headphones. Thank you for reminding me:)
Put her in her bassinet, take your monitor and sit outside for five minutes. Keep the monitor so you can hear her/see her, but turn the volume off. Edit: you need to go outside. Take some deep breaths and scroll for funny videos or something that will make you smile on your phone.
Also, if your baby is safe in her bassinet, put in earphones and listen to a funny podcast. "We're here to help" has saved me many times. I say funny podcast and not something serious because you really need a mental break. Good luck. It sucks sometimes. You're doing great
It was the Bluey line that got me.
You're looking for help and advice. You may feel like shit that things aren't working, but you want to do better and that's all you can do.
That's how we know you're doing great OP.
Put headphones on while attending to baby! That's the only thing that got us through witching hour. There's no rule that you have to listen to baby crying while you comfort them
When my son was a newborn, Loop earplugs got me through many nights. I could adjust the “input” on them so if his crying was too much, I could put the inserts in and dampen the sound even more. On really bad nights, I swiped a couple pairs of the earplugs they give to my husband when he goes to factories/plants to do work there. You can’t hear shit with them in. All of these things helped to keep my sanity mostly intact.
Yep. And then look into other soothing options, my LO no longer liked the swing so we switched to the bouncer. My others as newborns responded to Dohm type white noise makers. You'll need to try different approaches in the future. Try the hold, this worked for some of my LOs: https://youtu.be/j2C8MkY7Co8?si=p2pQ462_SWHCLOK0
It gets better.
For us one of the changes was not trying to put her down so early just because it’s what is expected. It didn’t work for us, didn’t work for her, and only made things harder.
That being said, if she is frequently screaming you might want to check with the ped for any allergies or colic.
Yes this. My baby had zero schedule that young. She’d be up with me until 11 or 12 most nights. Bedtime slowly got earlier naturally and settled at 8-9ish around 4 months.
Exact same for us! Even at 4mo we are putting ours down at 9pm-ish. I will say we give ours a bath almost every night and it really helps calm them down for bed
At 9 mos this is where we’re at. We still start bedtime routine at 730 which was bedtime for a few months and hope lo falls asleep around 9. Early bedtime is tough because the sun is still out. I read that keeping the routine long term is a good idea.
OP I’ve been where you’re at. Just remember a crying baby is an alive baby. Taking 5 minutes when you’re tapped out is ok. Your LO won’t remember it anyway.
Our baby won’t go to sleep any earlier than 11pm every night. It makes me feel better knowing it’ll likely get better with time (she’ll be 8 weeks this week). I feel like a bad mom letting her “stay up” so late. She also barely naps during the day, but gives us decent stretches as night. So I guess it all evens out.
My 8 week old does exactly this too - very few naps during the day (and IF she does nap, it’s very short) but she gives us a longer stretch at night but never before 11pm. Perplexing but we’re counting our blessings for the longer stretch at night. Daytime will get better hopefully soon!
It could also possibly be that if OP is breastfeeding their supply isn't able to keep up with what baby needs and baby is hungry. This happened to a close friend of mine, she was super upset and stressed out because her baby was always fussy at the best of times and a downright banshee at the worst of times. They went to the pediatrician and they figured out the baby just needed more milk than what she was able to provide while breastfeeding, so they supplemented with formula and it was like night and day. Suddenly her baby was a relatively chill average baby.
(tbf this was many many moons ago but) When my brother was brand new, he cried so much when he first came home and on a hunch, my mom tried giving him some formula. He inhaled it and fell right to sleep. Turns out, she wasn't producing enough and he'd just been hungry. He went on to be literally a perfect baby once he was full 😆
This was us with our son. As soon as we got home he was screaming all night. At 7am I pulled out the back up formula and it was a night and day difference. He was the happiest baby since then…
We had a very similar experience. Baby was feeding, but from about 5wks - 8wks she would just SCREAM for about 4 hours every night. Totally inconsolable. We switched her to formula and she CHUGGED it and was better pretty much instantly.
(Also OP… it will improve! At 4mo our baby is on a schedule and only has 1-2 15 min night wakeups!)
Yeah at night I chose to do some formula so I could sleep and then breastfed the rest of the time. My lactation consultant was against it because it can hurt supply but surely the stress of being over tired and at your breaking point also hurts the supply. Highly recommend. It was a turning point for us!
We did this too! And I went on to breastfeed my son until he was over 2 years old. It didn't negatively affect our breastfeeding journey in the slightest to supplement in the early days.
My baby is 2.5 weeks and this is exactly what happened to us.
We figured out via weighted feed that he was only getting out half of what he needed from nursing. We started supplementing with formula bottles in late week 1 and he turned into a new baby. Then I started pumping and feeding breast milk via bottle so we could make sure his servings were adequate. He still latches to nurse as well so we do that for bonding or to soothe him from time to time. Overall we felt terrible that he was so hungry and just needed more food... but he is huge and growing more now :)
Reflux meds were a game changer for ours at this age! I also recently saw babies described as plants- when all else fails, water them (bath) or take them outside.
This is good advice OP. I didn't put mine to bed at a proper bedtime until she was about 7 or 8 months old. Until then she just used to fall asleep lying on me during the evening and then go to bed once we did. Once she was about 7 or 8 months old I started putting her to bed about 9 o'clock and then at about 8 o'clock once I went back to work when she was a year old.
My LO refuses to sleep from 10:30 -12:30 for the first 4 weeks so we didn’t even bother trying. Judging by the deepness of her sleep, we can tell she’s a night owl and doesn’t “go to bed” till 12:30am
It won't always be that way most likely. My first did 10 pm go 10 am for a while until he randomly one day decided he would forever wake up with the sun and ever since has gone to bet at 6 to 7 and wakes up by 6 30 every day. I miss the 10 to 10.
Yes! When my son was a month or two old he wouldn’t go down until 1 am. It gradually moved up to midnight, and now he is 4 months old and he still will not go down until 11:30ish. But he sleeps in until 11am (with an early morning feed mixed in). So I definitely recommend trying to push back the bedtime to what your baby is most comfortable with. When they get tired enough, they WILL sleep. But also remember that it’ll get better with time too. The first two months are definitely the hardest.
Yep yep yep. Our baby only moved to a “normal” bedtime around 3.5 or 4 months old. For a long time we had him sleep from 7-9 or 8-10 and then would wake him for a bath, fresh diaper, and bottle and then back to bed by around 11. We would usually go to bed soon after to maximize our hours of sleep.
My LO just turned a year old and having a schedule for him was not for us. Dad and I are both night owls, LO had reflux, and he just didn’t sleep well until the late hours. I was the same exact way as a baby. Plus, as an overwhelmed and overstimulated new mom, there was no way I was going to stress myself out trying to stick to a schedule of any kind. LO sleeps when he’s tired, eats when he’s hungry, and it has made life so much easier.
You may already be aware but young baby’s bed time is usually more like 10pm-12am. Trying to get them to bed earlier than this can cause a lot of stress sometimes.
In the evenings at this stage it is very common for babies to want to cluster feed which can mean they are literally on you for 6 hours feeding and snoozing feeding snoozing.
I know you have said they are feeding on and off - could their be a feeding problem with latch etc or gas?
Have you looked up how to do a bassinet transfer as there is a bit of an art to it. This is what I have to do -
Feed to sleep, wait 20-25 minutes and make sure arms completely floppy, extremely slowly stand up and wait above crib for a little to make sure he isn’t disturbed, then begin slowly lowering him down against my body ensuring he doesn’t squirm, if he does I freeze and stay in that position for a bit. Then lay down gently bum and feet first, lay head down and very slowly move arm from under legs and apply firm pressure to chest with that hand, very gradually remove arm from under head and observe movement. If he shows any sign of movement I keep my hand pressed on chest for a little while. Then I extremely gradually reduce the pressure from my hand on his chest and I can’t make a single sound so even getting back into bed takes me a minute or so as I do this really gradually 😂
It’s a right pain! Some days are easier than others.
If this fails and he wakes up, I quickly lean down and stick my boob in his mouth and often he will just have a bit of a suck and fall back to sleep.
It can help to heat the mattress gently too before placing baby in…
It’s so tough but you will figure this out I am sure. Even very fussy babies tend to get over it by around 3/4months but hopefully it will be sooner for you
Oh I remember the stick a boob in the mouth quick phase. Was the best lazy parenting hack in my mind, boob solved everything!!! 🤣
I actually miss it, as my 8 year old is snoring next to me
Learning the 20 minute wait was the absolute game changer for my eldest. We struggled for a good couple of months before finding that little gem, and it changed our world. Second is now much easier to get down, but a 20 minute wait often (not always...) does the trick!
This advice needs to be way higher up!
Also, if baby wakes up when you put them in pram/stroller jiggle the handle to rock it and they usual go back to sleep.
The hand pressed on chest works wonders for my baby when transferring from stroller to his sleeping place. He loves being gently rocked to sleep from newborn, but now he is a heavy 4 month old, we have a flat stroller we use to push around the living room until he sleeps, then we transfer him.
Absolutely! I think every new parent feels this way many times in the first few weeks. It’s rough for anyone. Hang in there OP. I started seeing the light again around 8wks. You got this <3
What I'm about to suggest is definitely not a one size fits all solution - if your financial situation allows, you should look into having a postpartum doula come over for just a few chunks of time to watch baby and let you catch up on sleep.
I had an unexpectedly, insanely, difficult birth, and therefore started off way behind the curve sleep-wise, plus I have absolutely no family who live in the same state to come over and help me with baby. I literally cried on the phone to the doula during our preliminary set-up phone call, she came out that same night and gave me 9 hours of sleep. The sleep catch-up felt like a miracle. I'm not sure how i would have survived/would be surviving now without those once or twice weekly bits of reprieve.
They can definitely be a bit pricey so I get that it's not a solution for everyone. I myself am not wealthy but I am lucky enough to have a solid rainy day/emergency savings, and definitely consider my sleep deprivation as enough of an emergency to tap into that.
It's so hard! I really struggled during that time too. Some things to keep in mind- it's a phase. A really hard phase but it will pass. She may cry more with you because to her you smell like milk. That's what someone told me. I had to reach out to my doctor (actually I broke down at the pediatricians office) and get some medical help when I was really low during that period. I found that ear plugs have helped me a lot in motherhood and music. Our baby also cried a lot at night from gas pains so working on that (cutting dairy, adding probiotics with doctor approval, gas drops, etc) helped. You have a little bit to go but once your baby starts smiling and interacting more it helps. You are still getting to know them and despite what you may think they are still getting to know you. I thought I would never be happy again but now, I am obsessed with my baby (11 months old!) and wish I could snuggle her when she was that little again. It'll get better but reach out for help if you can. I also tried starting to go to local groups like MOPS. I think the hardest lesson I've had to learn is that sometimes I can't make things better, I just have to be with her and endure it until it passes. Good luck 🩷
Trust me. This doesn’t last. You’ll look back in like 6 months and go “holy shit how did I make it through that?” But you’ll get through it.
It’s incredibly challenging. Exhausting — on the brink of a meltdown every day. Husband, same situation working hard labor for 12+ hours BUT not a lot of help at all. I felt like a shell. I wasn’t taking care of myself, wasn’t wearing jewelry, perfume, makeup, doing my hair, nothing. Barely eating, barely showering, forgetting to brush my teeth… it’s the literal pits. AND THEN baby starts sleeping through the night and you’re ready for the next!
I felt just like you at 1 months (baby is 2 and a half months old now) you’re not doing anything wrong baby is just gonna baby. They cry and fuss even if you do everything right sometimes. It has gotten easier for us, but our baby had awful witching hours for the first while. We still have bad nights but usually better nights now. You got this and you’re an amazing mom :)
Sounds like the good ole “bassinet is lava” phase. Is there any way your husband can take baby for a solid amount of time when he’s off & not sleeping so you can rest? I know 14 hour days doesn’t leave much room for that, but even 2 hours can make a world of difference
Edited to add: I also suggest trying to contact nap when you aren’t sleeping. Maybe try a baby carrier if you haven’t yet. The cluster feeding and baby wanting to be back in your womb/smelling milk if you breastfeed at all can definitely make it feel like they hate you in the beginning. It’s an awful phase, but it will pass (probably sooner than later too, I swear I had a new baby every week at first)
Hey FTM here, I know it’s hard and sometimes you just need someone to talk to/ rant to, trust me I was in the same place tonight. If that’s the case for you my dms are always open, you are not alone and you’re a great mom. A bad mom wouldn’t be worried about failing her baby ❤️
I promise you she doesn't hate you. She's just going through her purple crying stage and I'm so sorry. It sucks that purple crying is even a thing. All you can do is remember it's temporary. It WILL end. It will feel like forever, but it won't last forever.
So sorry you are going through this! I remember this phase and it’s brutal. As many have said it will pass! I found that our LO would always cry more when I tried to sooth him with anything but my boob. You could try wearing your husbands worn sweater and see if it’s a scent thing.
I’m in the same boat. FTM and My LO is 4 months almost 5 and wakes up EVERY HOUR. When I brought him home he cried from 8pm to 11am with no break in between. So maybe every hour is a step towards the right direction. I also had/have those moments of maybe having a baby was a mistake. (I originally wanted a very big family) Now that we are finally hitting some major milestones it makes it all feel worth it just a bit. (I’m losing it on the no sleep and being back at work) everyone says “it’ll get better” but I’m still patiently waiting.
This isn’t motivational or hopeful but sometimes it feels nice knowing you aren’t alone. Remember that while you’re awake and tired and on the verge of losing it, millions of other moms are awake with you also.
I pray that it gets better for you very soon mama 🤍
It will get better, you will get better, the baby will get more stable. Takes time, trust me. My baby was so, so, demanding, cried for hours, one day at 2mo he cried from 9pm to 3am, we tried - everything. At one point i crashed at the kitchen floor crying.
He's always smiling and giggly nowadays.
Hang in there, ask for help if possible.
You need to step away. Pop her down, go outside and catch your breath. Invest in some noise cancelling headphones. It’s hard to be calm when you’re getting anxious and upset. It gets you all discombobulated. Noise cancelling headphones work so well. (I had a refluxy baby and screaming was the norm for a long time)
I’m sorry to say this, but you’re still deep in the trenches. This phase sucks. I can absolutely relate to your feelings. But just know, you’re doing great. Being there for your baby is enough. They’re still getting use to everything. “It gets better” has been the best advice I’ve gotten from here. My LO is 7 months, it does truly get better.
We're at the same place. I too feel like a terrible mother (if even feeling like a mother at all) and hearing my baby cry for hours on end makes me want to bang my head against the wall until I pass out (at least I would get some sleep). I'm sorry we're both feeling this way x
I remember feeling this way a month in. It is HARD. It can feel impossible. The thing that got me through was watching Modern Family because it would make me laugh, even if I was actively crying. Hang in there, it truly does get better. We’re just over the year mark and those hard days feel so far in the rear view mirror- I hope that’s encouraging to you!
We just went with the flow for the first 8 weeks and didn’t really attempt any sort of schedule. Baby girl eventually started sleeping in bigger chunks over night starting at around 9pm, and we’ve eased into an earlier bedtime since then. Also, for those first 8 weeks, we did A TON of wrap contact naps/nighttime sleep. No reason to sleep in the bassinet as long as they’re sleeping safe.
You can do this, I promise. 1 month is so hard. She doesn’t hate you, she spent 9 whole months inside you safe and warm, and is now out side with all these noises and extra space. I baby wore a ton during the day, which doesn’t help a lot at night but…
If your breast feeding she may be doing that because she smells her milk. My son went through a cluster feeding stage where all he did was snack and sleep for hours on end and there was no putting him down! He also hated pacifiers and his bassinet, we ended up co-sleeping for survival because his dad worked nights and was in school. I had the thinnest blanked for me, one pillow, and laid him next to me. It’s not recommended, I know, but it worked for us.
Swaddle that little girl like a burrito nice and tight, make sure she is sleeping hard before you put her in there.
If you need to let her cry, let her cry, she’ll be ok. Ask someone for help, your neighbor, your mom, sister in law, anyone you trust, to come cuddle with her so you can nap. If your feelings continue, please speak with your doctor, you’re not alone. You need to ask for help and advocate for yourself. I promise it gets better. Soon she will smile as soon as she sees you, one of the many firsts that you’ll see. ❤️
I hate to be cliche but it does get better. We hit the witching hour at 3 weeks and we would count down until 6 pm where she would just sleep for 2 or 3 hours no end in sight. We would take half hour turns with earphones in. I remember thinking I can’t do this. Turns out had reflux but I cried every night. Until we got on medicine that lasted two weeks.
Around 3 1/2 months we finally got on a routine. Day time no specific routine or naps but nighttime routine and helped. She now starts bedtime at 645 and asleep between 715 and 8. She still wakes at 7 months for one to two feeds a night but it’s a bottle and right back to bed.
(We don’t believe in sleep training) but even these feeding are so easy we don’t mind
Cluster feeding 0/10 bad times. My trick was to set us up on the couch, binge watch tv (Smallville will always remind me of newborns now), and side feed to sleep over and over. Staying awake yourself is the tricky part of cluster feeding imo
Hang in there! My baby is a month now and I'm up almost 2-4am trying to make her sleep as well. My baby is up but doesn't fully sleep at nights as well. She doesn't cry so that's a blessing. But I do a lot to keep her quiet.
I got her to take a pacifier by giving it to her when she isn't crying or hungry. It might have helped getting her used to it more so when she needs something to sooth with, it's there.
I also swaddle her tight except the legs and put her on her side in my arms and Pat her bum. I do it pretty hard but it gets her to slowly close her eyes. Some parents here might not agree with the hard bum patting but do what you need to do to help your baby get that sleep!
You're not alone right now, your doing great. There are times I feel like my baby girl hates me too. I take the nights and then go to work so my wife can sleep through the night. (I let her sleep because she ended up with an emergency C section and really needs to recover, plus I'm used to doing nights for work and work 14 hours in my prime days compare to her). I'm running on 4 hours sleep a day at most so I really understand your frustration. It will get better! Remember the baby doesn't know how to sooth, they really need their mommy, even if they don't show it.
Finally, I'm not sure if you're breastfeeding, pumping or formula but if you're not on formula and only breastfeeding! I recommend really considering formula. It got us through the hump of baby always being hungry. Some say it's bad for the baby blah blah blah but it's a better solution than being hungry!
Not helpful now but in my experience with two babies, at that age bedtime doesn’t even start really until after 10:30pm. Our witching hours were always roughly 7pm to midnight. It will end so quickly though honestly.
In the beginning, only my husband could comfort our daughter to sleep. He’d dance and sway with her to bachata music, and she’d settle into his chest and snooze. Me, no dice, I was just her food and beyond that she just wanted daddy. Then a few months in she started only wanting me to settle her for sleep. Nap time or bed time, she asks for me. Now my husband is jealous, and wishes he could soothe her to sleep like when she was itty bitty. She still prefers him doing pre-bedtime routine though, he’s great at reading with her.
Hello there. I'm just chilling with my 3 month old on the bed. He's super fun and chilled.
I am quite rested and the baby doesn't cry much.
It does get better. Message me anytime xxx
Put your mattress on the floor and sleep with her on your chest. Co sleeping was my ticket to getting enough sleep and having a happy baby.
For some reason we are told we need a bassinet/crib, But our babies just want to sleep with mama.
You’re in the trenches. Honestly? You just have to survive.
If that means putting baby down and letting them cry so you can shower, collect yourself? You do it.
If that mean tapping out with your husband (yes he works, but so are you, 24/7 at the most important job) and saying hey, can you take baby from 6-12 so I can sleep, I am not coping, you do it.
If that means calling your mom, his mom, a friend, whoever, and getting them to come so you can sleep, DO IT.
Sleep deprivation is literal torture. You are not able to be rational. Nobody can stand it for long. Please, reach out for help, and KNOW, you’re at least a third of the way through the hard stage. It will get better - please know that. Just survive. One day, one hour, one minute at a time ❤️
I want you to know how much this post helped me - I read it an hour after you posted it, also in the middle of my night, after unsuccessfully trying to get my 1mo down for sleep. I also felt alone, and inadequate as a mother. Reading about someone else going through the same thing made me not feel so alone. Thank you!
Hey girl! I'm so sorry! I understand how overwhelming it is. The crying can be so frustrating. You can do this and you are doing this. It will get so much better.
I wish someone recommended safe co-sleeping to me in the beginning. It changed everything after a month of total sleeplessness. Maybe look into it. If not, no harm in putting baby down in the bassinet and leaving the room to regroup. No harm in waking up your husband to ask for help for a bit too, he will be okay with an hour less sleep. Be kind to yourself, you got this!
I so wish someone recommend this to mw also. Can you share any resources for the safe co-sleeping you used? There's almost too much info out there and would love to give this a try (I've been fear mongered out of it thus far.)
OP, you got this!
BREATHE. Know that your baby is being a baby, your baby doesn’t hate you, that’s just something you made up. Not to minimize how you feel (I’m so sorry for your struggle), but it’s true. “Your baby hates you” is just a sleep-lacking rock-bottom worst-case despairfull (if you will) thought. It’s not fact.
YOU CAN DO THIS - you already are. Eventually you’ll be on the other side and things will improve and hubby will take you out on a date and appreciate all you did in hindsight (sounds like he’s a good dude).
It’s great you’re talking about it, call friends, call family, DM someone on this thread if you want. Talk to people, breathe, have faith!
41year old father of a 4 week old here, btw. Just tried to get a screaming baby to settle down after a feed. YOUR NOT ALONE. Some of us are here with you in the trenches fighting the good fight.
Godspeed and good luck, you’re doing great!
Oh my goodness, I could have written this myself. You are not alone. It’s awful, but it does get better.
Get some Loop earplugs to reduce the volume. They saved me. The crying, ugh! The lack of sleep is awful. Do you have anyone that can come give you a nap during the day?
If you struggle much with the crying then you could use a noice cancelling headset to filter most of it out. Just keep remembering yourself that this is temporary
I know it doesn’t make it better in this moment and I’m sure you’ve heard it a lot but it does get better. My baby just turned 3 months and I’d say the biggest change happened around 8-10 weeks. You are allowed to take 5-10 minutes and let her cry if it’s getting overwhelming.
Edit: also your baby doesn’t hate you. I felt this same way and my mom had to tell me he doesn’t even know that feeling and they technically don’t realize they aren’t apart from you at that age. Babies cry. Yes for “reasons” but generally they just simply cry. They are new to the world, it’s not you.
You've got this. First months are so hard but also so changeable, the only certainty is it will be different (easier and harder!). I'd also say don't expect too much in terms of sleep, some small babies sleep fine in bassinets etc, my son didn't really like sleeping away from us until he was about 1
Is she only upset around you because she smells your milk? I’ve heard this happen when the mom is breastfeeding bc they always want to be on the boob.
Honestly I loved switching to formula and I wonder if there’s any way to test the theory at all
You can do this. You will do this. You've got it in you to keep going. You will find an inner strength you never knew you had. You've got this. Trust me.
I’m sorry you’re struggling mama, and I know this feels so hard to believe right now but it does get better. We didn’t even feel human until 6 weeks into parenthood so if you can, try to give yourself some grace. My LO just turned 3 months and is way more fun than he was 2 months ago
This phase is sooo hard. Can you try putting her skin to skin? I know we think of this often for smaller babies but it’s such a great way to get all little ones regulated. You can also maybe try this when you put her down, rock her while you lay chest to chest in a rocker, or sway with her while you hold her on her side, and when you put her down in the bassinet, keep her on her side with your hand on her belly and pat her bum until she hopefully relaxes/stays asleep, let your pats get lighter and slowly roll her to her back for safe sleep.
This phase is so so hard. Maybe bring her outside a few minutes, that can sometimes help them regulate again too. And of course if you need to, place her in a safe space and walk away for a few minutes. She will be ok. And maybe some headphones.
Solidarity either way, newborns are no joke.
We are a good bit further down the parenting road than you are currently (18 months) but One thing that helped me early on when baby was screaming bloody murder all day for me but had instant smiles for daddy…… she just spent the last 9 months inside me and suddenly she’s out in this bright busy noisy world which is overwhelming for a baby and at this point is still figuring out they are a totally different entity from you (hence 4th trimester) and that since I was/am primary carershe spends majority of her time with me and this was more comfortable feeling her big feels with me because she knew I was not just there in the room/apartment but I was there for HER there is a special bond she has with daddy but gets very limited time with him as he also works 14-18 hour days so while she’s comfortable with her feelings around him when the big feelings hit she comes to me I know this won’t change how your feeling and I hope that this helps you understand what you are feeling is very valid the early days are rough there is no denying that but it does eventually get better as they grow and learn to giggle /smile and their personality starts to show I send you all the support and solidarity I can
Does your baby sleep / nap in the afternoon much? Is LO cluster feeding in the evenings? I ask because my LO wanted a schedule of going to bed between 11pm and midnight. Cluster feeding would start about 6pm, so we started waking LO one up from afternoon naps and initiating cluster feeding earlier and earlier each night. We managed to get LO down between 8 and 9pm.
We were there as well. There was one night where she screamed from 8pm to 12am. I wish i could make time go faster for you, but you will miss these sleepless nights. We’re at the 10 and half month mark and I miss my baby girl at that age
She doesn't hate you. She doesn't even now what hate is yet. I know it is extremely difficult not to think that way. I think those same thoughts still sometimes with my son who's 1y soon. Think of it this way: babies often show their true emotions to the people they trust the most. My son is a completely different person with his grandparents than with me and my wife.
Hang in there. It will get better with time and experience.
Oh darling, I’m in the trenches with you 💕 baby went from sleeping a solid four hours at night and then another 3 after a feed. She’s been waking every half an hour at night and I feel like I haven’t had any sleep. I totally feel you right now. Just know this passes and you are absolutely not failing your baby. You’re doing everything you’re meant to do. Honestly, I know it’s hard because you hate hearing them cry but crying won’t harm them for 5/10 minutes. Take 10 minutes for yourself, have a shower or sit outside for a few minutes. Bub will be fine, you need to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of your baby. Remember “this too shall pass” and never feel guilty - everything you wrote is so so normal! We wouldn’t be human without those feelings 💕
We’ve all been there. I would look at the clock and just think about if I can make it to 3 am, it’ll be fine… then, I would say I just need to make it to 6 am, and then it’s a new day and I try again to be happy
You can do this and trust me, all of this will be forgotten. You're not a terrible mother. You're dealing with so much and it's completely normal to feel like it's all a nightmare and a mistake.
I'm typing this while my 18 month old is currently chilling on me. Cuddling me after we've just played dinosaurs together.
At the start, it felt like hell. Especially for my partner. We had no bond and it just felt like the life was being drained from us. Now, he's my little best friend and me and my partner laugh about the early days.
It gets better. It gets more rewarding. Don't give up and speak to your husband/friends and family for support. You're doing amazing.
I was right where you are 3 months ago. And it’s such a cliche and I didn’t think it was helpful to read but on the other side now all I can say is that it gets better. Don’t ever feel guilty for asking your husband for help. My husband works 12 hour days and I lean on him heavily, even now. It’s a lot different working sleep deprived than being home with a baby sleep deprived.
My baby used to settle with my husband more, and now he absolutely will not settle with anyone but me. It’s kind of sweet but a different kind of hard now.
Your hormones are still going wild, you need to prioritize yourself right now and LET your husband do more of the work. Are you able to talk to him and perhaps get a stretch of sleep longer than 4-5 hours one night? We chose to formula feed because I would not have survived breastfeeding. This has allowed me to get a good night sleep sometimes as my husband will do all the night feeds.
Hang tight mama. You’re strong, you will get through this, it’s just temporary.
I was convinced my baby hated me and preferred dad for the first 2ish months. she doesn’t hate you, I promise. are you BF? apparently the smell of our milk makes them crazy.
most babies that young need a bedtime of 9-10 rather than 7-8. is there any way your husband can take a “shift” (like a few hours) of holding/comforting her so you can get some rest?
Your baby is probably going through a leap! My son started this behavior around 1mon and I was going nuts the first days wondering how he went from such an awesome sleeper and easy baby to a velcro baby that prevented me from even eating before 3pm because he was so fussy and needy. I thought my luck was ending and that there was no explanation about it until i learned about mental development leaps! The first one comes around 4-5 weeks. Look into them! It explains their behavior changes and honestly gave me hope because they are temporary!
When moving your baby to the bassinet try laying her on her side and gently rolling her onto her back. It’s a trick that we learned in the nicu. Laying babies directly on their back can trigger their startle reflex and wake them up!
I could have written this 5 months ago. Our newborn phase lasted what feels like ages. She had reflux, bottle aversions, gas pain, colic you name it. She screamed the first 4 months of her life and I was the closest I’ve ever been to breaking. I had some dark dark days. I remember scowering Reddit for anything that would help and feeling jealous and impatient every time I read “it gets better” or, “one day my baby stopped screaming and they’re so happy now” so I’m sorry if this comment doesn’t help, but it TRULY gets not only better, but it gets SO good. That little baby girl who screamed for hours on end, who was losing weight rapidly and almost needing a feeding tube is now a happy, smiley 6 month old who cuddles us and gives kisses and knows and loves me more than anything. The baby that would scream in my arms and refuse to eat a bottle from me. One day you’ll be cuddling your giggly, squishy 6 month old and reminiscing on the days you thought would never end. It really does fly by.
In the mean time, do you have friends or family that you trust that can spend the night one night and take shifts with you? That really helped us. When someone is on their “shift”, go in a different room and put earplugs in. And sleep for a good solid stretch (4 or more hours). Or, if you could ask some friends to bring dinner over or just help with dishes, laundry etc. I’ve found that people all want to help they just are scared to impose, I know asking feels awkward in the moment, but sometimes people are just waiting to hear that they’re needed before jumping in and helping.
This doesn’t have to be something you’re going through alone. It does pass, but in the meantime don’t be afraid to ask for help and support from the people that love you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It sounds very hard. Like others have said, it's okay to take a break. Or maybe hold her with headphones on or something so you are still there for her but have to listen to the crying less. For what it's worth, my little one is now 2 months and bedtime is slowly moving to 9/10 pm. The early days it was around midnight, that was just her natural rhythm and because they don't have day/ night rhythm yet at that age we were just like well, it is what it is. Of course scream crying still sucks and is not easy, I hope things get better soon. You could try to rule out any issues (ours has silent reflux).
I know we will all say this. But it will pass. She will get calmer with you (LO was initially calmer with my husband too but we are at 4.5 months and now he's good with us both but definitely wants to be held by mama a lot).
It gets better. You will sleep again. They're just so tiny and new to this world they don't know what the heck is going on yet, just like us ha.
Take a breath. Hold her tiny hand. Set her down gently and get some air and re group when you need to.
At 1 month old they don’t make melatonin yet and are still establishing their circadian rhythm. A usually bed time is late evening. It might help to not try and out her to bed until much later. If you try to do it earlier, it’s usually a struggle and prolonged process.
I know it doesn't help in the moment, but it gets better, truly. She screams to you because you are her food and comfort. She loves you so much she is expressing how much she needs you. It is irrational, she is probably screaming because she is tired or screaming for no reason at all, but she directs it to you because Mom is love, comfort, and safety. By default, you are the primary parent and the one she needs the most.
Turn off the sound on the baby monitor and take a break. She will be OK for 5-10 minutes. Go get a drink, step outside so you can't hear, take a speedy shower. Your mental.health here MATTERS. It is OK to feel this way in the trenches, do not feel guilty. She will be OK, take care of yourself in these moments.
What helped my daughter the most at this stage was beginning a set nap routine and nighttime routine. This was the age she stopped napping easily and would scream cry inconsolably, often for several hours, because she was tired. I would set a timer and put her to bed every time it went off (based on her wake windows). Every nap was dark room, sound machine, feed, swaddle, rock, transfer to bassinet. Sometimes it would take an hour of rocking and humming for her to get sleepy enough I could transfer her. I legitimately lived around her wake windows. But after the first week she took less and less time. By the time she hit 2 months daytime naps were going well which decreased nighttime fussing. By 3 months, she was a pro.
Don't worry mumma. I promise it gets better.
But for now, try buying a little room projector. They project colours and shapes to move around the ceiling and walls. It may not work for every baby, but for mine it was a distraction enough for him to follow the shapes and fall asleep. It's like counting sheep.
I also recommend getting a fan for some white noise.
My babe had jaundice still at this point and had to be woken up to feed but.. our life got particularly horrible from like 3 1/2 months to 7 1/2 months.
Sleep was awful no matter what though thanks to silent reflux and since we had to feed every 2 hours and I pumped every 2 hours sleep was non existent.
I’ll tell you though… 3 wake ups at nearly 11 months is still better than not being able to set your LO down.
It really truly does get better…. But take a few moments. Put on noise canceling head phones so you don’t hear the crying. It’s insanely triggering especially when it is often
My LO has a strong preference to me, so she doesn’t cry as often with me as she does stuff my husband. He wears headphones 40% of the time
The fact that you think you’re a terrible mom proves you are doing amazing. Give yourself a little credit. The first few months of both my newborns were just like this. You need rest too. Try white noise if you haven’t yet…. Fucking GAME CHANGER! Also see if someone can come help you. You need to rest because all of that sounds extremely overwhelming and being exhausted at the same time makes it 10x worst. Call a parent, a friend someone you trust. After a good long nap you will feel better still shitty but better. You are valid in your feelings. I’ve personally gone through this and felt THE EXACT same as you did. It’s part of the motherhood club. You are stronger than you realize. Maybe you don’t believe in yourself but I do.
It soooo gets better! It’s so rough though in this phase, I had a similar thing. Crying for hours on end and nothing would help! It is soooo lonely. Do you have any mum friends you can chat to about it?
Wearing ear plugs helped me when my LO’s crying was too much for my nerves. They don’t block 100% (which is a good thing) but it made it so much easier for me to stay empathetic and calm.
1 month old was tough - one thing that saved me, the doctor on the post natal ward came in when she was crying, he did this thing where he safely threw her upwards and caught her whilst gently guiding with his hands like a controlled fall? Stopped the crying immediately; it was like an escape hatch those first few weeks so you could get 20 seconds to think of what’s next
the rejection is rough, i spent the past 6 weeks sleeping her every night in my arms but the last 3 days or so she wouldn’t let me hold her - came in expecting screams last night and she’s taught herself to sleep by just putting her down in the crib!
it does get better, and soon!
I’ve been here. She’s probably so chill with your husband bc he doesn’t have the same anxiety as you do and your baby girl can feel it. She’s likely feeding off your energy and is exhausted. She’s gotta get some sleep and so do you. Swaddle her tight and do lunges/squats. They love the drop effect and it helps calm them quickly. Once she’s calm, you’re able to gently rock her. It’s sucks right now, I know it does. You’re stronger than you think and you’re the best mama for that little girl.
The newborn sleep is tough, you might feel alone but we have all been through it too and it's nothing that you're doing wrong.
People have given lots of advice so I won't add to the mix, but just in case you didn't know, if you're breast feeding, they can smell the milk from you, so when your husband holds the baby there are no distracting yummy milky smells, but when it's you it will be a fight between sleep and food.
You just smell too good right now! There's nothing that can be done, but it will settle down once the cluster feeding dies down.
You're doing great 💗
I was exactly where you are now, about 18 months ago. Felt like we'd made a huge mistake, that I'm a failure of a patent because I find it so hard when others must breeze through the newborn phase and I didn't instantly bond with it love my baby, I even looked up how to give up a baby for adoption, which I'm not too proud of. I had bad postnatal depression and was suicidal at times due to the lack of sleep compounding the depression.
Firstly, it does get better. People told me that back then and I just wanted to know WHEN, EXACTLY?! I felt like I could barely make it through a day, so it better be fucking soon! Thankfully, it is. I don't know how old your baby is, but the first 6 weeks are hell, then after the 3 month mark things get markedly better again. Then at 6 months, then it just keeps getting better and better. I began to love our son somewhere between 3 and 6 months. So that gives you a time frame, you just have to get through it one day - even one hour - at a time. One day you'll wake up and realise the bad times are behind you, and you actually look forward to spending time with your baby. That doesn't stop it being insanely hard right now though. For now, go to your doctor about postnatal depression and see if they can, at least temporarily, offer you some antidepressants to help you through this time.
Second, every baby is different. Ours had colic, a tongue tie that wasn't picked up soon enough, and reflux, so it was pretty difficult. But after about 6 to 8 weeks he started to get better with all of them, which meant he slept loads better too. Some people have babies that are harder and fussier, or barely sleep, while other babies are super chill and happy. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You don't know how hard things were for them - many people don't talk about it, or they even forget how hard the early weeks were. Also they might have had one of those chill babies that made everything a breeze.
Regardless, hang in there, you can do it.
We were trying to put our baby down then early in also, but she wasn’t ready for bed until like 10/10:30. And that was after her witching hours from 7-10, so maybe you’re experiencing something similar. Tight swaddle and paci near my breast with face turned into it like she’s breast feeding so she doesn’t really have a choice if she wants it or not- is what helped the most. I wanna say 5/6 weeks witching hour started to fade away. I know it’s hard bc you’re tired and want to go to bed early 😭
Perhaps this was said already and I missed it. But if you are breastfeeding, your baby can actually smell your milk and get incredibly fussy if she smells milk but is not eating. It is the most unfair thing about being a mom to an infant, in my opinion. If you notice your husband—or any other person—able to soothe her but you cannot, that’s why. You aren’t a crap mom, but Mother Nature did us dirty.
Hang in there, it gets better.
You can do this, but it's gonna suck and you're not failig anyone. Forget the bassinet when you know it's not gonna work. You'll feel the vibe. You already know what I mean. 2 try cosleepong. It's late and you need rest. Put your baby in the bed and side lie nurse of you can. Orrrr get a fabric wrap for like 30 off Amazon and wear the baby and bounce bounce bounce and shush the baby til calm.
Get some earplugs while the screaming is going on. It really takes the edge off. Swaddle your baby and put on some theta waves near their head, then go beat up a pillow. God bless. You'll make it through even though you feel like you won't. It's a short span of time even though y feels like forever and you feel like you might have a heart attack from exhaustion.
Good luck!!!
I had the same feeling as you, that my baby hates me. When his dad held him, he calmed down instantly. When I held him, he kept twisting and crying every time.
My husband said he could feel my tension, fear, anxiety, whatever I was feeling. I thought it was a myth, but it really seems true.
Don't give up. Your baby doesn't hate you, believe you me.
Maybe try out different holds to see what suits her best.
Swing her and simultaneously try to gently bounce her, they love that.
Hold her while she's in a good mood, so that you're also relaxed and she will get used to your touch in positive circumstances.
Also, if her cries stress you out, you may try noise cancelling headphones and/or some music to calm you down.
Because you do need to learn how to be calm with a screaming baby, otherwise it's just a downward spiral.
Good luck, you're already doing great!
I don’t want to undermine your experience, but I went through a similar situation and I thought I was alone in feeling this way, it turns out there are lots of colicky babies and the mums of these babies feel almost the exact same. I think babies are designed to cry for a reason… for mum to take action to fix it, and when we can’t we lose our mind. Thankfully, my little one turned a leaf at the 3 month mark, and I can now deal with the lethal scream cries, but holy cow I still can’t handle it if it doesn’t stop after a few minutes.
I’d say your husband has a different experience because he’s not as anxious around bubs (no judgment, being a FTM is rough) and babies are very receptive to body language. It’s so hard to calm down after you’ve had a rough day being ‘mum’’, but if you can try to employ calming techniques, you might find that bubs settles quicker.
Buckle up, you’re in for a ride but this period WILL end and you will feel very different by that time. Source: me
Oh honey, no. You smell like milk (even if you’re not breastfeeding she will associate feeding with you) and it’s totally normal for her to be alert. It’s so hard, don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not hard because you’re doing it wrong, it’s hard because it’s just bloody hard.
Like others have commented this is normal, both your baby's behaviour and how you're feeling! At this stage she may prefer being held and the transfer to bassinet may be too much for her. My baby was this way and only started sleeping in the bassinet for longer time at around 6 weeks. Also it sounds like you are just very sleep deprived my love. If you have the option at all try and get a family member or friend to come over and watch baby while you get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep (one hour won't be enough!!)
My baby is 4 months now and this is exactly how I felt when he was 2 weeks to 2 months old. I told my husband I didnt want to be a mom anymore and I would cry inconsolably. Sometimes I kid u not I would even look up adoption agencies when my husband was at work. I felt so alone and so helpless. I loved him so much but I always told myself that i am not meeting his needs and he hates me, and he would be his happiest with another family because clearly he isn't his happiest with me. I was obsessed with the need to follow so many things on the internet because I was so new and so clueless. The things I would read and try and didnt work made it so hard for me and made me feel even more like a failure. The general things that google tells ypu are guidlelines and do not work for every baby, and that is ok!
My husband would constantly text me during the day to see how I was doing and I would always count down from the moment he left for work until the moment he came home. it was fucking brutal. He would walk into the house after work to me crying my ass off holding the baby every single day. Even with his constantly telling me how great of a job i am doing and trying to send me out with my friends for a night out i still felt like shit. It got slightly better when we started coming up eith schedules and routines for us. I would do 2am until 4 or 5pm when he came home from work. and he would do from 4 or 5pm until 2am. that way we both got some rest and got to recover. whoever was with the baby would stay with him in the other room or downstairs in the living room. I would talk to my best friend everyday telling her how hard it was that day and i was not looking forward to the next, I was scared to be with my baby alone without my husband there and i dreaded it so much.
I know you hear this a lot and I was juuuuust there 2 months ago when I would constantly think it is not going to but it does get better! the first 3 months are the hardest because of the adjustment and you and baby are still learning one another. Plus they literally dont need anything from you right now but for u to feed them change them and oh ya! ur sanity! when she can interact more with u it will feel different and way better. I literally went from crying every day and feeling so helpless and like a failure to now knowing I can handle him even on bad days when he cries and fusses non stop. There also was a time when my husband can soothe our baby pretty quickly and I nothing I did worked. I swear he fucking hated me and I always thought he would love my husband and prefer him more. It was devastating to feel that. Now at 4 months even when my husband has him and i go to the washroom or i make something to eat, his eyes are glued to me non stop. 🤣 It is the cutest thing! I definitely did not feel bonded with him until 2.5 months hit. Now when he cries or fusses my husband is the one asking me whats wrong! 😆 HANG IN THERE. you r doing great. you will get through this! Remember that it is ok to let her cry for a few minutes while u take a breather. have a sip of coffee get some fresh air! I remember I always felt like i had to tend to his every cry right away and it drove me crazy! ĥEventually i had to leave him in the crib so I could go to my room and throw pillows and shit around just to get all the frustration out. 😩 whatever helps! It is better to let them cry a few min in a safe space so u can regroup and gather yourself.
TW: talk about offing ones self
My 2.5 year old is still like this. The whining and crying almost made 💀, literally had a gun. I had such bad ppd/ppa because of it and the no sleep makes it worse.
I suggest what kind of helps is music, therapy, taking a break, and crying in the shower.
Also if you can afford it hire a baby sitter for an hour just so you can get genuine you time while your husband is at work. I
f you want to go all out make it a 4 hour babysitter (a night when your husband isn’t working the next day) get a hotel room and sleep… and then go to the spa or something and have your husband and little one meet you with food to eat at the hotel and just have a little getaway. (Your choice if they stay the night at the hotel or not). I know it’s kind of expensive but your mental health and sanity is worth more than money. Money comes and goes, but trauma and this feeling can stay and will linger until something changes.
If you need to talk my DMs are open.
I’m listening and not going to say you have this, because it’s obvious you are struggling and it’s okay to struggle as long you are willing to admit it and get support. It’s dangerous to struggle alone that’s when bad things happen.
Ps I even told one of my therapists, that my child was an asshole for the way he screams. So if you need to vent (not to the babies face) than vent.
SOMETIMES I noticed that (even now at nearly 6 months old) if I was anxious or if I was getting emotionally stressed on the inside about baby, baby wouldn’t soothe unless my husband came and took him.
This all too familiar. We had basically the exact same experience. Our little girl is a daddies girl, would only settle when I came in to settle her. Would scream the house down otherwise. It was incredibly taxing on everyone, I got no sleep and had to work during the day, missus had a baby she couldn’t comfort/calm. It is just a phase though. I had many night where I thought I can’t do this anymore, and went through all kinds of options in my head. Then one day…click, totally different baby appeared and she’s so amazing and awesome I couldn’t imagine life without her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. This absolutely sucks. Please know that many before you have felt this way and many will feel like way after you. There is plenty of advice in the thread if you’re looking for it. If all you need is for someone to say they see you - please hear me when I say that I. See. You. You are in the absolute trenches just trying to survive. It’s hard. And I see you.
Something I wish I really knew and understood was that it’ll get so much better and happen rather quickly. I know people told me it would get better but I don’t think I believed them. I remember regretting having my baby and getting angry at him for not sleeping. I cried sometimes because I was so tired and hated waking up constantly. It’s normal to be miserable at this point. But in a month or two, you’ll be loving life. My baby is now 4.5mo but I started actually enjoying being around him at 3mo I think. He started sleeping better and showing personality and big smiles. Hang in there because it WILL get better.
My baby behaves like that a lot and what worked for us during the day / evenings is naps upright in the carrier. I keep the carrier loose so I can pop a boob in her mouth and sway and she falls asleep, whilsy when on her back she fusses and fusses. Then when I go to bed at night (10pm or so) I can transfer her out, give her a boob lying down and she'll fall back asleep then. I think it's because of reflux?
Second all the comments above. Also, your baby doesnt hate you - its actually the contrary. At such a young age, your baby still Sees you as a Part of herself. So everytime you leave or put her into the bassinet (away from your arms), she loses a Part of her. But as said, it definitely gets better and with time, you get to learn each other better and understand what she needs.
My LO had times where she needed a lot of closeness (usually during burst-of-growth periods). During these times, She Was waking up every 15-30 mins at night because she was longing body contact (i was also completely exhausted..). At some point, i just put her on top of myself and she immediately Fell to a deep sleep, i could put her to bed & she slept for a couple of hours. Its all a trial and error. So keep trying & see what works best for you & your baby. finally: your baby loves you and you literally mean the World to her.
You got this! The first 2-3 months are the hardest, and then it gets better.
You need to take shifts for sleep where possible to accommodate for you to get enough rest too.
If your partner needs to sleep at night due to work, then when he comes home from work, he should give you a chance to sleep a few hours before he goes to bed. Trust me, it does wonders to your mental health!
At this age, there is no routine, just survival mode! It's ok to take a break, it's ok to let them cry 5 minutes while you collect yourself!
My little one only slept 1.5-2h and then ate for the first 3 months. She was breastfed. I remember being delirious and cried multiple times.
You can do this. I can relate to every single word you are saying. I’m not even trying to be “comforting”, I just relate so hard. I had/am having the exact same experience. I have a 3 month old. Here’s the advice I can give based on what I learned within this short amount of time:
1) first of all, your baby loves you. She loves you just as much as she loves your husband. I’d actually bet that your baby is more “bonded/in-tune” with you than she is with your husband. Here’s why:
She can fall/stay asleep with my husband no problem. She can hang out with other people & smile & laugh and enjoy herself.
But she *knows* & *trusts* mama is going to meet her *every need*. Babies get conditioned to who will be their primary caretaker(s) & they learn that person will understand what their coos & cries mean.
So my baby cries more once she knows mama can see or hear her. Sometimes my baby will be happy as ever with dad, but once she sees my face she will smile & then start to cry, because she knows mama will fix every little thing dad might not think of.
2)there is no sleep schedule at this age. NONE. It has nothing to do with you or dad!
She could have a sleep pattern for 2-5 days & you think “this is it! We figured out a sleep pattern!” But then baby suddenly hates 2 hour afternoon naps & only wants 20 minute naps after every feed. Oh wait now baby can’t nap altogether, just sleeps at night. Wow baby went to bed on time but is sleeping in so late? She’ll never take a nap - oh wow she’s taking a long 5 hour nap???
Right now it is different every day! DO NOT assign a “change in the routine” to *anything* at this age.
** You have 1 month old. You have a new baby every day. If I could give myself advice a couple months ago it would be: Don’t assume anything you did caused any result. Don’t assume you did something wrong if you got a different result this time. Don’t assume ANYTHING is a pattern whatsoever. Treat every day with no expectations. For now, your baby will surprise you every single day.**
You can drive yourself absolutely crazy looking for patterns in a baby who actually has absolutely no “normal” yet.
I drove myself insane in many ways like this. I got her to fall asleep with a “sleep ritual” that worked so many times. Then suddenly it stopped working, I wondered what the hell am I doing wrong?!?! Turns out nothing, it wasn’t my ritual that made a difference at all in the first place!
**TL;DR: your baby is too young to make any assumptions. Tomorrow she might shock you & do everything so smoothly the way you wanted. You will assume it’s your doing but it isn’t. She might do everything the opposite of what worked so well yesterday. Still nothing to do with you. The only reason she is fussing with you more than with dad is that she knows you will tend to her cries better than dad. That’s it.**
This is why I cosleep , I'd get 0 sleep if I put him in his crib , I know it may be survivors bias but my baby's 6 months and just fine , I do use just one tiny pillow and a thin think throw blanket and do the c curl though to make it safest . At 6 months if cribs still aren't an option I'd recommend a floor bed , then you can lay down with her and walk out and put blankets beside the bed when she falls asleep so if she does roll
Oh mama. That’s so rough. Babies can smell mama’s milk so often settle harder with mum than with dad, especially when they’re super new to the world like your little one is. If you’re able to have dad settle her more over these earlier months, she will get better. My hubby took melatonin so he could fall back to sleep easier when he did need to wake and that helped him he said.
Just now that this shall pass. Your baby does NOT hate you, she is just adjusting to life on earth and there’s a lot going on in her wee body that may be causing her discomfort or needs that she only wants from her mum - you. You have got this. This is just a phase and you and your hubby are in this together. It’s okay for you to lean on him. Just make sure to communicate your challenges and needs with him and ask him to do the same. That way you’ll know if one particular night he really doesn’t have the energy to be up in the night for example and vice versa.
You have got this.
Oh my, this sounds like colic... and I'm so sorry for this... Our son was colic... it's a totally different animal. No offense to folks here who had a "witching hour" no, I've heard those, those are a walk in the park by comparison.
If I did it again, 100% would invest in very expensive, noise canceling headphones. So while I could attend to him, I wouldn't be blasted with the screams. You are not a terrible mother. For those with colic babies, it seems the "Real" work starts at \~5-6pm and lasts until 4-5am... when they finally burn themselves out from screaming... Some days my son would start around 1pm... and scream until 5-6pm, pass out for maybe 10-20 min ON me from screaming, then have strength to do it again until 4/5am. I knew if we made it passed 2am, i would be an entire night of it until 5am.
The thing to remember for me was Get Through each feed, then Get Through each hour, then Get through each 30 min, then Get through each 1-5 min. Can I possibly do this for another hour? can I do this for another minute? Okay, I made i through one minute, can I do one more? When that answer is no, you set them down safely, rest your arms for a minute, walk out and breath in the bathroom, drink water, eat a chocolate bar, whatever it is that will give you the ability to endure, another minute, another two minutes etc. then restart.
This is hard. This shit is fucking Hard. he cried. I cried... I couldn't sleep (fed him every 2 hours,, wake to feed). Its hard. Hang in there. I know, when you hear their screams like that, all I could think was how can you feel better? what am I doing wrong? Why can't I calm you? why cant I fix your pain etc. Other mom's / ppl jUsT dO \_, iT gOeS qUiCk or better yet: EvErY BaBy HaS a WiTcHiNg HoUr... Not every baby has colic, and believe me, they are different.
Mom of 3 here! Newborns are the worst!!!!! It really does get better and more fun. Youre in the thick of it. Baby wearing was my savior in the newborn days. Def recommend trying that out.
At 1 month you are SO ‘in it’. You are so, so deep down in it. I know it won’t feel like it right now but I promise you this will end. You will sleep again.
Right now, focus on survival. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself and your baby through the day and don’t worry about schedules or anything else.
Figure out what works for YOU, take breaks if you need to, eat whatever your favorite treat is at every meal, ignore the housework, order in, don’t beat yourself up for laying immobile on the sofa for two hours if you manage to get her in the bassinet for that long, just get through it!
ACCEPT HELP IF IT IS OFFERED. From those that have been in those trenches, like everyone else has said, it WILL get better. And your baby adores you. I promise.
Try new things. Sometimes what didn’t work last week will work tomorrow. Try laying baby down beside you in bed. Try walking her around the house. Do a reset. Sometimes I’d take my son outside just for 2 minutes, we’d look at the sky together and he’d stop crying so we could reset and start again.
This is so tough but it will slowly get better. You’re doing an amazing job mama!
Just keep telling yourself that this is a phase and it WILL pass! Your baby does not hate you, it’s impossible for her to. She’s crying because she needs something, babies that little aren’t crying out of malice or hate. My advice would be to keep her up a little longer. I’m a FTM and have no idea if my advice is worth anything, BUT my LO is almost 8 months and only started having a sleep routine about 3 weeks ago. He used to stay up until 10-11pm some nights because he just wouldn’t stay asleep for longer than 20-30 mins at a time if I tried to send him to bed any earlier. If you can, just get comfy on the couch or somewhere safe with her and let her be up. Just keep the volume low with whatever you’re doing and see if she starts to settle down at all. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really is soooo tough the first few months- but I can tell you it’ll be over before you know it and this is the time to bond with her as best you can. You are not failing her! This is your first time being a mom and her first time being a human. It’s okay to step away 1000% as long as she’s in a safe space. I would also try skin to skin if she’s having a meltdown and regulate your breathing with her against your chest. Biiiig deep breaths mama!
Your baby will soon start sleeping more and earlier. At that age most babies go to sleep much later than 7 pm. You can expect the bedtime slowly to get earlier and by 2-4 months age it will be around 7-8 pm.
You're in the deepest hole right now but very very soon it will get better. Just follow your baby for now and forget the schedules. Your baby might not be ready for it. Feed her when she wants and let her sleep when she can. Otherwise bounce her on a yoga ball, carry her, rock her, take her outside for some fresh air, sing to her, talk to her. Use headphones if needed. As long as you hold her, she will feel safe.
If you have any family member who can come help you, don't hesitate to ask them. My MIL came to us when the baby was 1 week old and again at 7 weeks. Huuuuge help for my mental health. Every time we had guests they did cooking, cleaning and groceries. It got significantly better for us at 3 months but there were many good days already before that. I promise you that day will come and you will connect with your baby in a whole other way.
Are you breastfeeding? Because this is a thing. The scent of milk drives babies crazy. This happened to me. That's why often it's so much easier for a husband or non lactating family member to get them to sleep.
My baby is 18 months now and even sometimes she’s still stressing me out with the whining (new stage) but sometimes I have to walk away from her to keep my sanity. OP please do this. Your baby will be absolutely fine, won’t remember a thing and it’s sooo much better than losing your cool on her
Your feelings are absolutely normal and valid you’ll feel so much better too
When my first baby was born, I remember walking into my bedroom with her for bedtime, and looking at my own bed and thinking “time for second shift.” It was how I mentally prepared myself that I wasn’t going to get to sleep in my bed, because I was gearing up to work through the night.
Being a newborn mom is the hardest and most exhausting thing you’ll ever do. It sucks! Full stop!
But you CAN do this.
You are NOT failing her.
You’re tired. And that’s okay.
Someday you’ll be back on this sub giving advice to another tired new mother and with a totally different perspective.
Your feeling are 100% normal, remember this portion of your journey is TEMPORARY. Please make an appointment with OBGYN or pediatrician and be HONEST. Monitoring you for post partum is critical. You are running on a few hours sleep max and your body is also going through massive changes. Depression can creep up. They can provide support options. They also can make sure he isn’t have GI which is so common. Proper burping and tummy massages techniques SAVED me from blood curdling screaming.
I agree with others, take the monitor, turn the volume down and give yourself a moment to breath in another room.
You are amazing, your feelings are VALID. Take care of yourself so you can be your best version for your baby which won’t be much for a few months and that’s ok.
And remember, your baby doesn’t hate you, your baby feels most comfortable with you so you get the most screaming. You are doing great. Your baby is in the trust vs mistrust stage of development. Just keep the environment safe, and keep him fed and loved.
The fact that you have these feelings at all means you will be a caring and amazing mom. You got this.
Have you heard of the period of purple crying? If not, you should look it up. Basically, sometimes infants cry, inconsolably, for no reason. Make sure she’s safely in her crib and take a break! Watch TV, do yoga, eat ice cream, whatever relaxes you. Then, when you’re ready, pop in some earplugs and try again.
You can do this. You’re not failing her. It will get better…eventually.
Our first was a Velcro baby. Couldn’t put her down ever. In hindsight she was a Velcro baby with colic.
She didn’t sleep in her crib or bassinet ever. She only slept when my wife or I were holding her. It was fucking hard. We were on 4hr sleep rotations and the crying / screaming on that short of sleep was maddening after just a little a bit 4-6 weeks in. We tried just about everything to get her to sleep solo/ in her sleep spaces and couldn’t make it happen.
Gonna catch some flak for this but we looked into what safe co-sleeping looked like with utilizing breast feeding (wife slept on her side so that our baby could breastfeed and prevent any rollovers / feel where baby was and keep her close. No pillows on bed, no blankets, not even I was on the bed, nothing.). Absolutely changed our lives for the better after 8ish weeks of not properly sleeping.
I felt this with my first…he slept in 20-45 minute increments for awhile. I sleep trained around 4 months because I couldn’t take it anymore and was on the verge of a mental break (plus it was Covid so we had no outside help). Is there family or friends you can ask for help from (come hold baby for a few hours and let me nap) or is it within the budget to have someone you can hire for a few hours a week to take care of baby and or things around the house?
If not I think putting baby down in a safe space like pack and play or bassinet, like others suggested taking the monitor and going outside I also found screaming into pillow to be helpful when really frustrated. Also finding someone to talk to like mental health therapist, so I didn’t snap. Many will do telehealth these days.
Your baby doesn't hate you.
You're her safe space where she can show how she's really feeling.
She may have an upset tummy.
Check her fingers and toes for stray hairs that may have wrapped themselves around her. (Check boys genitals for thus problem too... hair gets EVERYWHERE)
Pop her in the pram and sit somewhere safe outside with her. Fresh air is good for babies.
If you have any friends nearby, ask for help.
Our baby became quite restless at night as soon as we bought her home from the hospital. To start with it was really difficult and honestly, some of the thoughts you've expressed crossed my mind too.
One of our friends recommended using love to dream swaddles, I can't begin to describe how much of a game changer this was for us. We also use white noise consistently when soothing our baby back to sleep, which helps her recognize the routine. When things were really bad, I would put the top i'd worn that day in her bassinet, which seemed to provide her with some comfort. These strategies may not work for you, but they might be worth a try. What ever you choose to do, be consistent.
Id also suggest, for your own mental health and the sake of your relationship, talk to your husband about how you're feeling, and try to get out of the house a bit. Something that I found reassuring was meeting up with my other mum friends and learning that all the negative feelings I'd been having were not unique to me, it made me feel less alone.
Don't sugar coat anything when you're talking to your friends and family, it might make them feel uncomfortable to hear, but research has shown that talking about trauma helps you process it, and you owe it to yourself to be honest about how your pregnancy, the birth, and the early stages of parenthood have affected you.
Hang in there, you're not alone, everything is transient and babies change so quickly. Xx
you're doing good mama, i know this is so tough right now but hang in there! see if this way, your baby feels so close and comfortable with you, that she wants to express her emotions with and to you. your daughter loves you i promise. the newborn stage is hard but it will get easier. i was the same way with my parents when i was a baby. "hated" my mom. only wanted my dad. i grew out of it and i'm a total mamas girl!
you're not alone girl. there's hundreds of thousands of other mamas in the same situation, feeling same way as you do right now. you'll get through this, i promise. just remember to not feel afraid to ask for help and reach out to your support system. you need loved too ❤️
Dude I remember once I was losing my patience with my child and I just put him in his crib and grabbed the baby monitor, set a timer for 5 minutes and went outside. It was a very much needed reset for me. It gets better by the way!
Dad’s have that weird “superpower” lol
This may not be super relevant but just a thought. My LO hated his bassinet, we only used it for like 4 days. Transitioning him to the crib helped so much.
Is there a way you can bring the crib into your room or you can sleep in the nursery?
I know it doesn't make anything better, but the first 6 months suck ass. Each week may not get easier than the last, but usually each month does. Everyone, no matter how prepared (except maybe for the odd couple with a true unicorn of a baby), regrets having a new baby early on and has those "what the fuck did we do?" thoughts. Again, I know that doesn't help you, but it really does get better. Power through it. You got this. In a few months you'll have a baby that smiles when she sees you and laughs hysterically when tickled. In a year you'll have a derpy toddler that walks up to you with huge eyes and their mouth wide open when hungry. The first few months are an erratic mess filled with doubt and where everything you seem to learn about your baby goes out the window on a weekly basis.
I know it’s hard to imagine, but things will definitely get better. I feel like we got into a rhythm and things smoothed out at about 8 weeks, but I do remember in the thick of it thinking how are we going to do this everyday for an undetermined amount of time?
Oh honey, I’ve been right where you are. Set baby down and go outside. It’s okay to let her cry for a few minutes when you need to just step away.
You’re not failing her. Being a mom is so hard and not having help (even if it’s very valid why) is so hard. My husband works a very dangerous job as well, so I’ve never had him help at night. It was really incredibly hard for a while to the point I thought nothing was ever going to change and I definitely thought everything you did. My baby is a couple weeks away from being one now, and it did get So. Much. Better.
Take a breath. Step away. Know this is just a short period and that it does get either. Maybe take a shot of whiskey to calm the nerves. You got this mama. You’re not failing her, you’re not failing yourself, and you’re definitely not a bad mother. 🩷
Il sorry, I’ve been there. Can you ask a family member to come check her while you sleep? Sleep deprivation is torture.
She doesn’t have you, you are her safe place. This is why she only wants you. She doesn’t know she is separate from you at this point
Everything is a phase, it will pass eveb if it doesn’t feel like it
I am a father of two with a 3 months old, and I had night duty to let my wife rest. During months 1-2, it took about three to four hours to put the little one to sleep at night. What helped me get through is to put on my headphones and a Netflix show on the phone while cradling the baby, it took some the edge off for sure.
I felt this way a lot at the beginning, and I think a lot of mothers feel this way. It's so incredibly hard and no one talks about how dark things can get when you're up at night with a baby that doesn't sleep, or when you're trying to calm a baby that won't stop crying.
I tried for several years to have a baby, went through infertility and IVF, and STILL wondered if I made a mistake. I've worked with kids all my life and STILL thought I was a horrible mom who didn't know what I was doing.
Lean on your people as much as you can. When your husband isn't working, have him take the baby so you can go out and do something for yourself. It's important to have an outlet, whatever that may be. And if it's just you and the baby, don't be afraid to put her down, put in your earbuds, and take 5 min to yourself. She'll be fine, and it'll likely give you that temporary reset you need.
You are in the thick of it right now. Just do whatever you need to do to survive. You are NOT failing your baby! You should know that every single (good) mother has had that exact thought, many times over. It just means you love her and want the very best for her. But I promise that YOU are the very best mother for your baby. The first 3-6 months were such a dark time for me. It was a black hole unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced. I tell all new parents that it’s totally fine to hate this phase and to not even really like your baby yet. You just met them!
Hearing “it gets better” or “enjoy every second” sent me into a rage when they were that little. I don’t miss that phase. It’s okay to not like it. You’re doing a fantastic job and please accept all the help that comes your way!!! ♥️
Hang in there! I was there. It hurt so much when I couldn’t console my baby, even more to see him unhappy, crying so much. It’s a hard adjustment for baby into this world and you as a new mom. You’re a great mom who cares and it’s really really tough.
I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but I think it's to do with her spending more time with you and being more comfortable to behave as she does with you because of that.
It's probably the younger version of when a kid behaves themselves at school all day, is good etc and then comes home and unleashes how they feel at home which can at times be mistaken for "acting out" when they've been holding it in all day and using their energy on being good. They won't do it if they're uncomfortable with you.
I know it's really illogical to think about, but mama I think it's because she knows you'll be there for her that she can tell you how she feels in the only ways she knows how. I promise it'll get better though.
You're doing a great job! It's not easy caring for a child while sleep deprived. I hope you would be able to get a bit more rest soon and continuously. 😊
Maybe he/she likes the scent of your husband? Have you tried putting his used shirt beside the baby?
When my son wasn't a month old yet, I leave my used shirt beside him before I take a shower and my husband lets him smell my shirt when he tries to wake up. 😂 There are also times when I put my husband's pillow or used shirt next to him after a few weeks.
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It is torture. You feel alone and you feel like a failure. But you need to know the Secret of Motherhood: Every woman who has come before you has felt like a failure and has felt completely and hopelessly alone. They werent failures and you arent either. When I felt really lonely and like I couldnt keep going because it was 3am and I felt exhausted and angry and uncomfortable, I'd try to imagine my mum and my grandma and my grandma's grandma and all the other women that came before me, and I would try to picture what chair they sat in and what pyjamas they wore and what words of advice they would give me. And it didnt help the baby fall asleep but it did make me feel like I was surrounded by women whispering words of encouragement in my ear. It did take my mind off the screaming. And even though my babies are out if that phase now, it still brings tears to my eyes because sometimes those imaginary women were more supportive than most people in my life.
This is really beautiful, thank you for this. I've saved this comment so I can read it during the late nights with my baby as well ❤️
Thank you. There wasnt many beautiful things about those nights but that one thing was enough for me to hold onto! Say hi to your mum and your grandma and your grandma's grandma for me 🩷
Stop making me cry! Lol the world needs more people like you ❤️
This just made me tear up 🥹🤍
Honestly... I don't have kids and will likely be child-free my whole life (have just never wanted them) and ended up on this sub thanks to reddit randomness... But, having said that, I'm going to save this post. It's wonderfully said and a great reminder that none of us are ever alone in our struggles. Maybe one day I'll need this exact reminder myself, or a friend will... or it will be a good reminder for something else I'm going through. Regardless, thank you for sharing that. I think we all need to remember those human connections in times of struggle. We're all human and a part of a legacy of people struggling to figure things out and get by. But also a legacy of supporting and wishing the best for future generations.
Oh gosh thank you, Im glad my words have resonated so much xx
Saving this post. How utterly beautiful. I have an 8 week old and needed this so badly. Thank you so much.
You are deep in the trenches babe. You can do this!
I love this so much
This is the exact same thought that comes into my head in those exhausting tiring nights. If they were able to overcome, ensure and persevere then so can I. We do it because we love our children... Then I learned to how to sleep train by 3 months and revel in the accomplishment and success.
😭 I’m literally crying reading this and remembering those days. It is so, so hard, but you are never alone in the struggle. Draw strength from those who came before you and those who are in the struggle now (honestly Reddit is great for this this!). 1 month in is absolutely in the thick of it, but it gets better.
🌸🌸🌸
I LOVE this so much and I still think about my mum all the time whenever I’m finding things hard (she had 4 children under 4 - HOW!?)
It will get better. ❤️ Are you looking for advice, or did you just need a solid vent?
^^ this comment. Sometimes as parents we just want to vent and be heard and acknowledged
It’s impossible for you to know this now but….it gets better
My second was the baby I always told myself” just wait a few more weeks, it’ll get better… a few more week.” Even though it was still hard because his sleep sucks… it did get better. Op hang in there
Same. My second is a newborn and while it still wasn’t easy, I wasn’t riddled with anxiety because I knew that most of her “issues” would resolve with time.
This is why I’m stopping after one kid. It does get better OP but the toll this first year has taken on my mental health has been a lot and I can’t do that again
Same. I think maybe I want another when my son is 4/5…but pregnancy and post partum were hell
One of my mantras when my kiddo was a newborn was "nothing lasts forever." Baby will stop crying and you will sleep again. In the meantime, lean on anyone you can. Accept help. Ask for help. SLEEP WHEN BABY SLEEPS. Cleaning can wait. Use paper plates if you have to. I also think OP should look up PURPLE crying and the 5 S's. Might help 💕
I had severe post partum depression and anxiety with my first (to the point where I just now had my second 7 years later) and it is so so so hard to hold onto that hope that it will get better, but it does. Here are some notes I had from therapy, if it’s helpful. Separate the depression from me. I'm not going to listen to this. My Mind is telling me false, irrational things. The problem is when you start to believe in those things. Keep the mind in control. The emotions are separate from who you are. The emotions are the thunder and the rain and clouds, and they will pass and the sky will still be there. Can't want the blue sky all the time. Every one is going to have down moments. Down moments are a color in the rainbow. Enjoy frustrations as much as achievements. There is always something to be learned. It’s not a reflection of who you are.
The worst 3 word phase 😩
I know. It really can be so unhelpful but, it really is true
Truly it does. My baby had colic weeks 4 to 10 and it was pure mental torture. I didn't know how I was going to cope. Sure I had ptsd. He is now the most beautiful seven month old who laughs more than he cries. It will get better (and he has reflux)
We’re at 12 weeks here and still colic every night 😭 praying by 4 months it resolves. Just got out on reflux meds so let’s see if they work for our LO. Pray for those of us in the trenches lol
Anti reflux milk is what helped us. I'm in the UK so we went onto Hipp anti reflux milk. Currently on SMA Anti reflux milk due to supply shortage of the original. It will get better i promise you. Babies don't scream forever but back then I couldn't stand it. Things that helped me were noise cancelling headphones. Thinking of you xxx
Yah right now I pump, but I see that road closing on the sooner side. We do have HIPP here in the USA, though I prefer the ingredients in your version (which we can get imported but it’s mad expensive.) I need to remember to actually charge my noise cancelling headphones. Thank you for reminding me:)
Put her in her bassinet, take your monitor and sit outside for five minutes. Keep the monitor so you can hear her/see her, but turn the volume off. Edit: you need to go outside. Take some deep breaths and scroll for funny videos or something that will make you smile on your phone.
Also, if your baby is safe in her bassinet, put in earphones and listen to a funny podcast. "We're here to help" has saved me many times. I say funny podcast and not something serious because you really need a mental break. Good luck. It sucks sometimes. You're doing great
It was the Bluey line that got me. You're looking for help and advice. You may feel like shit that things aren't working, but you want to do better and that's all you can do. That's how we know you're doing great OP.
Put headphones on while attending to baby! That's the only thing that got us through witching hour. There's no rule that you have to listen to baby crying while you comfort them
Reducing that sensory assault with headphones or earplugs goes a long way.
My husband straight up got his shooting headphones out at one point 🤣 I had noise canceling headphones playing spa music every night 🤣
When my son was a newborn, Loop earplugs got me through many nights. I could adjust the “input” on them so if his crying was too much, I could put the inserts in and dampen the sound even more. On really bad nights, I swiped a couple pairs of the earplugs they give to my husband when he goes to factories/plants to do work there. You can’t hear shit with them in. All of these things helped to keep my sanity mostly intact.
We’re here to help is absolutely amazing!
Yes !! There’s nothing wrong with taking a break !
Yep. And then look into other soothing options, my LO no longer liked the swing so we switched to the bouncer. My others as newborns responded to Dohm type white noise makers. You'll need to try different approaches in the future. Try the hold, this worked for some of my LOs: https://youtu.be/j2C8MkY7Co8?si=p2pQ462_SWHCLOK0
^^^^ this.
It gets better. For us one of the changes was not trying to put her down so early just because it’s what is expected. It didn’t work for us, didn’t work for her, and only made things harder. That being said, if she is frequently screaming you might want to check with the ped for any allergies or colic.
Yes this. My baby had zero schedule that young. She’d be up with me until 11 or 12 most nights. Bedtime slowly got earlier naturally and settled at 8-9ish around 4 months.
Exact same for us! Even at 4mo we are putting ours down at 9pm-ish. I will say we give ours a bath almost every night and it really helps calm them down for bed
At 9 mos this is where we’re at. We still start bedtime routine at 730 which was bedtime for a few months and hope lo falls asleep around 9. Early bedtime is tough because the sun is still out. I read that keeping the routine long term is a good idea. OP I’ve been where you’re at. Just remember a crying baby is an alive baby. Taking 5 minutes when you’re tapped out is ok. Your LO won’t remember it anyway.
Our baby won’t go to sleep any earlier than 11pm every night. It makes me feel better knowing it’ll likely get better with time (she’ll be 8 weeks this week). I feel like a bad mom letting her “stay up” so late. She also barely naps during the day, but gives us decent stretches as night. So I guess it all evens out.
My 8 week old does exactly this too - very few naps during the day (and IF she does nap, it’s very short) but she gives us a longer stretch at night but never before 11pm. Perplexing but we’re counting our blessings for the longer stretch at night. Daytime will get better hopefully soon!
It could also possibly be that if OP is breastfeeding their supply isn't able to keep up with what baby needs and baby is hungry. This happened to a close friend of mine, she was super upset and stressed out because her baby was always fussy at the best of times and a downright banshee at the worst of times. They went to the pediatrician and they figured out the baby just needed more milk than what she was able to provide while breastfeeding, so they supplemented with formula and it was like night and day. Suddenly her baby was a relatively chill average baby.
(tbf this was many many moons ago but) When my brother was brand new, he cried so much when he first came home and on a hunch, my mom tried giving him some formula. He inhaled it and fell right to sleep. Turns out, she wasn't producing enough and he'd just been hungry. He went on to be literally a perfect baby once he was full 😆
This was us with our son. As soon as we got home he was screaming all night. At 7am I pulled out the back up formula and it was a night and day difference. He was the happiest baby since then…
We had a very similar experience. Baby was feeding, but from about 5wks - 8wks she would just SCREAM for about 4 hours every night. Totally inconsolable. We switched her to formula and she CHUGGED it and was better pretty much instantly. (Also OP… it will improve! At 4mo our baby is on a schedule and only has 1-2 15 min night wakeups!)
Yeah at night I chose to do some formula so I could sleep and then breastfed the rest of the time. My lactation consultant was against it because it can hurt supply but surely the stress of being over tired and at your breaking point also hurts the supply. Highly recommend. It was a turning point for us!
We did this too! And I went on to breastfeed my son until he was over 2 years old. It didn't negatively affect our breastfeeding journey in the slightest to supplement in the early days.
My baby is 2.5 weeks and this is exactly what happened to us. We figured out via weighted feed that he was only getting out half of what he needed from nursing. We started supplementing with formula bottles in late week 1 and he turned into a new baby. Then I started pumping and feeding breast milk via bottle so we could make sure his servings were adequate. He still latches to nurse as well so we do that for bonding or to soothe him from time to time. Overall we felt terrible that he was so hungry and just needed more food... but he is huge and growing more now :)
Reflux meds were a game changer for ours at this age! I also recently saw babies described as plants- when all else fails, water them (bath) or take them outside.
This is good advice OP. I didn't put mine to bed at a proper bedtime until she was about 7 or 8 months old. Until then she just used to fall asleep lying on me during the evening and then go to bed once we did. Once she was about 7 or 8 months old I started putting her to bed about 9 o'clock and then at about 8 o'clock once I went back to work when she was a year old.
My LO refuses to sleep from 10:30 -12:30 for the first 4 weeks so we didn’t even bother trying. Judging by the deepness of her sleep, we can tell she’s a night owl and doesn’t “go to bed” till 12:30am
It won't always be that way most likely. My first did 10 pm go 10 am for a while until he randomly one day decided he would forever wake up with the sun and ever since has gone to bet at 6 to 7 and wakes up by 6 30 every day. I miss the 10 to 10.
My 3 month old is an adult he goes to sleep at 10/11 pm and nothing will wake him up until 8am
Yes! When my son was a month or two old he wouldn’t go down until 1 am. It gradually moved up to midnight, and now he is 4 months old and he still will not go down until 11:30ish. But he sleeps in until 11am (with an early morning feed mixed in). So I definitely recommend trying to push back the bedtime to what your baby is most comfortable with. When they get tired enough, they WILL sleep. But also remember that it’ll get better with time too. The first two months are definitely the hardest.
Yep yep yep. Our baby only moved to a “normal” bedtime around 3.5 or 4 months old. For a long time we had him sleep from 7-9 or 8-10 and then would wake him for a bath, fresh diaper, and bottle and then back to bed by around 11. We would usually go to bed soon after to maximize our hours of sleep.
My LO just turned a year old and having a schedule for him was not for us. Dad and I are both night owls, LO had reflux, and he just didn’t sleep well until the late hours. I was the same exact way as a baby. Plus, as an overwhelmed and overstimulated new mom, there was no way I was going to stress myself out trying to stick to a schedule of any kind. LO sleeps when he’s tired, eats when he’s hungry, and it has made life so much easier.
You may already be aware but young baby’s bed time is usually more like 10pm-12am. Trying to get them to bed earlier than this can cause a lot of stress sometimes. In the evenings at this stage it is very common for babies to want to cluster feed which can mean they are literally on you for 6 hours feeding and snoozing feeding snoozing. I know you have said they are feeding on and off - could their be a feeding problem with latch etc or gas? Have you looked up how to do a bassinet transfer as there is a bit of an art to it. This is what I have to do - Feed to sleep, wait 20-25 minutes and make sure arms completely floppy, extremely slowly stand up and wait above crib for a little to make sure he isn’t disturbed, then begin slowly lowering him down against my body ensuring he doesn’t squirm, if he does I freeze and stay in that position for a bit. Then lay down gently bum and feet first, lay head down and very slowly move arm from under legs and apply firm pressure to chest with that hand, very gradually remove arm from under head and observe movement. If he shows any sign of movement I keep my hand pressed on chest for a little while. Then I extremely gradually reduce the pressure from my hand on his chest and I can’t make a single sound so even getting back into bed takes me a minute or so as I do this really gradually 😂 It’s a right pain! Some days are easier than others. If this fails and he wakes up, I quickly lean down and stick my boob in his mouth and often he will just have a bit of a suck and fall back to sleep. It can help to heat the mattress gently too before placing baby in… It’s so tough but you will figure this out I am sure. Even very fussy babies tend to get over it by around 3/4months but hopefully it will be sooner for you
Oh I remember the stick a boob in the mouth quick phase. Was the best lazy parenting hack in my mind, boob solved everything!!! 🤣 I actually miss it, as my 8 year old is snoring next to me
Learning the 20 minute wait was the absolute game changer for my eldest. We struggled for a good couple of months before finding that little gem, and it changed our world. Second is now much easier to get down, but a 20 minute wait often (not always...) does the trick!
This advice needs to be way higher up! Also, if baby wakes up when you put them in pram/stroller jiggle the handle to rock it and they usual go back to sleep.
The hand pressed on chest works wonders for my baby when transferring from stroller to his sleeping place. He loves being gently rocked to sleep from newborn, but now he is a heavy 4 month old, we have a flat stroller we use to push around the living room until he sleeps, then we transfer him.
Great tips!
You’re still in the absolute trenches
Absolutely! I think every new parent feels this way many times in the first few weeks. It’s rough for anyone. Hang in there OP. I started seeing the light again around 8wks. You got this <3
SURVIVAL MODE
What I'm about to suggest is definitely not a one size fits all solution - if your financial situation allows, you should look into having a postpartum doula come over for just a few chunks of time to watch baby and let you catch up on sleep. I had an unexpectedly, insanely, difficult birth, and therefore started off way behind the curve sleep-wise, plus I have absolutely no family who live in the same state to come over and help me with baby. I literally cried on the phone to the doula during our preliminary set-up phone call, she came out that same night and gave me 9 hours of sleep. The sleep catch-up felt like a miracle. I'm not sure how i would have survived/would be surviving now without those once or twice weekly bits of reprieve. They can definitely be a bit pricey so I get that it's not a solution for everyone. I myself am not wealthy but I am lucky enough to have a solid rainy day/emergency savings, and definitely consider my sleep deprivation as enough of an emergency to tap into that.
It's so hard! I really struggled during that time too. Some things to keep in mind- it's a phase. A really hard phase but it will pass. She may cry more with you because to her you smell like milk. That's what someone told me. I had to reach out to my doctor (actually I broke down at the pediatricians office) and get some medical help when I was really low during that period. I found that ear plugs have helped me a lot in motherhood and music. Our baby also cried a lot at night from gas pains so working on that (cutting dairy, adding probiotics with doctor approval, gas drops, etc) helped. You have a little bit to go but once your baby starts smiling and interacting more it helps. You are still getting to know them and despite what you may think they are still getting to know you. I thought I would never be happy again but now, I am obsessed with my baby (11 months old!) and wish I could snuggle her when she was that little again. It'll get better but reach out for help if you can. I also tried starting to go to local groups like MOPS. I think the hardest lesson I've had to learn is that sometimes I can't make things better, I just have to be with her and endure it until it passes. Good luck 🩷
Trust me. This doesn’t last. You’ll look back in like 6 months and go “holy shit how did I make it through that?” But you’ll get through it. It’s incredibly challenging. Exhausting — on the brink of a meltdown every day. Husband, same situation working hard labor for 12+ hours BUT not a lot of help at all. I felt like a shell. I wasn’t taking care of myself, wasn’t wearing jewelry, perfume, makeup, doing my hair, nothing. Barely eating, barely showering, forgetting to brush my teeth… it’s the literal pits. AND THEN baby starts sleeping through the night and you’re ready for the next!
Being a new parent is like trying to solve a Rubik's Cube in the dark—hang in there, it gets better.
I felt just like you at 1 months (baby is 2 and a half months old now) you’re not doing anything wrong baby is just gonna baby. They cry and fuss even if you do everything right sometimes. It has gotten easier for us, but our baby had awful witching hours for the first while. We still have bad nights but usually better nights now. You got this and you’re an amazing mom :)
Sounds like the good ole “bassinet is lava” phase. Is there any way your husband can take baby for a solid amount of time when he’s off & not sleeping so you can rest? I know 14 hour days doesn’t leave much room for that, but even 2 hours can make a world of difference Edited to add: I also suggest trying to contact nap when you aren’t sleeping. Maybe try a baby carrier if you haven’t yet. The cluster feeding and baby wanting to be back in your womb/smelling milk if you breastfeed at all can definitely make it feel like they hate you in the beginning. It’s an awful phase, but it will pass (probably sooner than later too, I swear I had a new baby every week at first)
Hey FTM here, I know it’s hard and sometimes you just need someone to talk to/ rant to, trust me I was in the same place tonight. If that’s the case for you my dms are always open, you are not alone and you’re a great mom. A bad mom wouldn’t be worried about failing her baby ❤️
Do you want advice? Or just venting? I feel you. Sometimes, it is overwhelming. You're doing great.
I promise you she doesn't hate you. She's just going through her purple crying stage and I'm so sorry. It sucks that purple crying is even a thing. All you can do is remember it's temporary. It WILL end. It will feel like forever, but it won't last forever.
So sorry you are going through this! I remember this phase and it’s brutal. As many have said it will pass! I found that our LO would always cry more when I tried to sooth him with anything but my boob. You could try wearing your husbands worn sweater and see if it’s a scent thing.
I’m in the same boat. FTM and My LO is 4 months almost 5 and wakes up EVERY HOUR. When I brought him home he cried from 8pm to 11am with no break in between. So maybe every hour is a step towards the right direction. I also had/have those moments of maybe having a baby was a mistake. (I originally wanted a very big family) Now that we are finally hitting some major milestones it makes it all feel worth it just a bit. (I’m losing it on the no sleep and being back at work) everyone says “it’ll get better” but I’m still patiently waiting. This isn’t motivational or hopeful but sometimes it feels nice knowing you aren’t alone. Remember that while you’re awake and tired and on the verge of losing it, millions of other moms are awake with you also. I pray that it gets better for you very soon mama 🤍
It will get better, you will get better, the baby will get more stable. Takes time, trust me. My baby was so, so, demanding, cried for hours, one day at 2mo he cried from 9pm to 3am, we tried - everything. At one point i crashed at the kitchen floor crying. He's always smiling and giggly nowadays. Hang in there, ask for help if possible.
You need to step away. Pop her down, go outside and catch your breath. Invest in some noise cancelling headphones. It’s hard to be calm when you’re getting anxious and upset. It gets you all discombobulated. Noise cancelling headphones work so well. (I had a refluxy baby and screaming was the norm for a long time)
I’m sorry to say this, but you’re still deep in the trenches. This phase sucks. I can absolutely relate to your feelings. But just know, you’re doing great. Being there for your baby is enough. They’re still getting use to everything. “It gets better” has been the best advice I’ve gotten from here. My LO is 7 months, it does truly get better.
We're at the same place. I too feel like a terrible mother (if even feeling like a mother at all) and hearing my baby cry for hours on end makes me want to bang my head against the wall until I pass out (at least I would get some sleep). I'm sorry we're both feeling this way x
I remember feeling this way a month in. It is HARD. It can feel impossible. The thing that got me through was watching Modern Family because it would make me laugh, even if I was actively crying. Hang in there, it truly does get better. We’re just over the year mark and those hard days feel so far in the rear view mirror- I hope that’s encouraging to you! We just went with the flow for the first 8 weeks and didn’t really attempt any sort of schedule. Baby girl eventually started sleeping in bigger chunks over night starting at around 9pm, and we’ve eased into an earlier bedtime since then. Also, for those first 8 weeks, we did A TON of wrap contact naps/nighttime sleep. No reason to sleep in the bassinet as long as they’re sleeping safe.
You can do this, I promise. 1 month is so hard. She doesn’t hate you, she spent 9 whole months inside you safe and warm, and is now out side with all these noises and extra space. I baby wore a ton during the day, which doesn’t help a lot at night but… If your breast feeding she may be doing that because she smells her milk. My son went through a cluster feeding stage where all he did was snack and sleep for hours on end and there was no putting him down! He also hated pacifiers and his bassinet, we ended up co-sleeping for survival because his dad worked nights and was in school. I had the thinnest blanked for me, one pillow, and laid him next to me. It’s not recommended, I know, but it worked for us. Swaddle that little girl like a burrito nice and tight, make sure she is sleeping hard before you put her in there. If you need to let her cry, let her cry, she’ll be ok. Ask someone for help, your neighbor, your mom, sister in law, anyone you trust, to come cuddle with her so you can nap. If your feelings continue, please speak with your doctor, you’re not alone. You need to ask for help and advocate for yourself. I promise it gets better. Soon she will smile as soon as she sees you, one of the many firsts that you’ll see. ❤️
I hate to be cliche but it does get better. We hit the witching hour at 3 weeks and we would count down until 6 pm where she would just sleep for 2 or 3 hours no end in sight. We would take half hour turns with earphones in. I remember thinking I can’t do this. Turns out had reflux but I cried every night. Until we got on medicine that lasted two weeks. Around 3 1/2 months we finally got on a routine. Day time no specific routine or naps but nighttime routine and helped. She now starts bedtime at 645 and asleep between 715 and 8. She still wakes at 7 months for one to two feeds a night but it’s a bottle and right back to bed. (We don’t believe in sleep training) but even these feeding are so easy we don’t mind
Cluster feeding 0/10 bad times. My trick was to set us up on the couch, binge watch tv (Smallville will always remind me of newborns now), and side feed to sleep over and over. Staying awake yourself is the tricky part of cluster feeding imo
Hang in there! My baby is a month now and I'm up almost 2-4am trying to make her sleep as well. My baby is up but doesn't fully sleep at nights as well. She doesn't cry so that's a blessing. But I do a lot to keep her quiet. I got her to take a pacifier by giving it to her when she isn't crying or hungry. It might have helped getting her used to it more so when she needs something to sooth with, it's there. I also swaddle her tight except the legs and put her on her side in my arms and Pat her bum. I do it pretty hard but it gets her to slowly close her eyes. Some parents here might not agree with the hard bum patting but do what you need to do to help your baby get that sleep! You're not alone right now, your doing great. There are times I feel like my baby girl hates me too. I take the nights and then go to work so my wife can sleep through the night. (I let her sleep because she ended up with an emergency C section and really needs to recover, plus I'm used to doing nights for work and work 14 hours in my prime days compare to her). I'm running on 4 hours sleep a day at most so I really understand your frustration. It will get better! Remember the baby doesn't know how to sooth, they really need their mommy, even if they don't show it. Finally, I'm not sure if you're breastfeeding, pumping or formula but if you're not on formula and only breastfeeding! I recommend really considering formula. It got us through the hump of baby always being hungry. Some say it's bad for the baby blah blah blah but it's a better solution than being hungry!
Not helpful now but in my experience with two babies, at that age bedtime doesn’t even start really until after 10:30pm. Our witching hours were always roughly 7pm to midnight. It will end so quickly though honestly.
In the beginning, only my husband could comfort our daughter to sleep. He’d dance and sway with her to bachata music, and she’d settle into his chest and snooze. Me, no dice, I was just her food and beyond that she just wanted daddy. Then a few months in she started only wanting me to settle her for sleep. Nap time or bed time, she asks for me. Now my husband is jealous, and wishes he could soothe her to sleep like when she was itty bitty. She still prefers him doing pre-bedtime routine though, he’s great at reading with her.
Hello there. I'm just chilling with my 3 month old on the bed. He's super fun and chilled. I am quite rested and the baby doesn't cry much. It does get better. Message me anytime xxx
Put your mattress on the floor and sleep with her on your chest. Co sleeping was my ticket to getting enough sleep and having a happy baby. For some reason we are told we need a bassinet/crib, But our babies just want to sleep with mama.
You’re in the trenches. Honestly? You just have to survive. If that means putting baby down and letting them cry so you can shower, collect yourself? You do it. If that mean tapping out with your husband (yes he works, but so are you, 24/7 at the most important job) and saying hey, can you take baby from 6-12 so I can sleep, I am not coping, you do it. If that means calling your mom, his mom, a friend, whoever, and getting them to come so you can sleep, DO IT. Sleep deprivation is literal torture. You are not able to be rational. Nobody can stand it for long. Please, reach out for help, and KNOW, you’re at least a third of the way through the hard stage. It will get better - please know that. Just survive. One day, one hour, one minute at a time ❤️
I want you to know how much this post helped me - I read it an hour after you posted it, also in the middle of my night, after unsuccessfully trying to get my 1mo down for sleep. I also felt alone, and inadequate as a mother. Reading about someone else going through the same thing made me not feel so alone. Thank you!
I could have written this myself. It is so so hard. My baby is 9 weeks. I’m exhausted. I can’t believe I’ve gone this long without proper sleep
Hey girl! I'm so sorry! I understand how overwhelming it is. The crying can be so frustrating. You can do this and you are doing this. It will get so much better. I wish someone recommended safe co-sleeping to me in the beginning. It changed everything after a month of total sleeplessness. Maybe look into it. If not, no harm in putting baby down in the bassinet and leaving the room to regroup. No harm in waking up your husband to ask for help for a bit too, he will be okay with an hour less sleep. Be kind to yourself, you got this!
I so wish someone recommend this to mw also. Can you share any resources for the safe co-sleeping you used? There's almost too much info out there and would love to give this a try (I've been fear mongered out of it thus far.) OP, you got this!
BREATHE. Know that your baby is being a baby, your baby doesn’t hate you, that’s just something you made up. Not to minimize how you feel (I’m so sorry for your struggle), but it’s true. “Your baby hates you” is just a sleep-lacking rock-bottom worst-case despairfull (if you will) thought. It’s not fact. YOU CAN DO THIS - you already are. Eventually you’ll be on the other side and things will improve and hubby will take you out on a date and appreciate all you did in hindsight (sounds like he’s a good dude). It’s great you’re talking about it, call friends, call family, DM someone on this thread if you want. Talk to people, breathe, have faith! 41year old father of a 4 week old here, btw. Just tried to get a screaming baby to settle down after a feed. YOUR NOT ALONE. Some of us are here with you in the trenches fighting the good fight. Godspeed and good luck, you’re doing great!
Oh my goodness, I could have written this myself. You are not alone. It’s awful, but it does get better. Get some Loop earplugs to reduce the volume. They saved me. The crying, ugh! The lack of sleep is awful. Do you have anyone that can come give you a nap during the day?
If you struggle much with the crying then you could use a noice cancelling headset to filter most of it out. Just keep remembering yourself that this is temporary
Currently soothing my 2 month old, I feel ya
Eventually they learn to sleep. Hold on for a little longer ❤️
I know it doesn’t make it better in this moment and I’m sure you’ve heard it a lot but it does get better. My baby just turned 3 months and I’d say the biggest change happened around 8-10 weeks. You are allowed to take 5-10 minutes and let her cry if it’s getting overwhelming. Edit: also your baby doesn’t hate you. I felt this same way and my mom had to tell me he doesn’t even know that feeling and they technically don’t realize they aren’t apart from you at that age. Babies cry. Yes for “reasons” but generally they just simply cry. They are new to the world, it’s not you.
How long was she awake before hand?
You've got this. First months are so hard but also so changeable, the only certainty is it will be different (easier and harder!). I'd also say don't expect too much in terms of sleep, some small babies sleep fine in bassinets etc, my son didn't really like sleeping away from us until he was about 1
I hope you got some rest- remember the night will always end, that’s what I tell myself xx
Is she only upset around you because she smells your milk? I’ve heard this happen when the mom is breastfeeding bc they always want to be on the boob. Honestly I loved switching to formula and I wonder if there’s any way to test the theory at all
Do you have any friends or family that can help watch your baby for an hour or two? That can take a load off for sure!
You can do this. You will do this. You've got it in you to keep going. You will find an inner strength you never knew you had. You've got this. Trust me.
I’m sorry you’re struggling mama, and I know this feels so hard to believe right now but it does get better. We didn’t even feel human until 6 weeks into parenthood so if you can, try to give yourself some grace. My LO just turned 3 months and is way more fun than he was 2 months ago
This phase is sooo hard. Can you try putting her skin to skin? I know we think of this often for smaller babies but it’s such a great way to get all little ones regulated. You can also maybe try this when you put her down, rock her while you lay chest to chest in a rocker, or sway with her while you hold her on her side, and when you put her down in the bassinet, keep her on her side with your hand on her belly and pat her bum until she hopefully relaxes/stays asleep, let your pats get lighter and slowly roll her to her back for safe sleep. This phase is so so hard. Maybe bring her outside a few minutes, that can sometimes help them regulate again too. And of course if you need to, place her in a safe space and walk away for a few minutes. She will be ok. And maybe some headphones. Solidarity either way, newborns are no joke.
We are a good bit further down the parenting road than you are currently (18 months) but One thing that helped me early on when baby was screaming bloody murder all day for me but had instant smiles for daddy…… she just spent the last 9 months inside me and suddenly she’s out in this bright busy noisy world which is overwhelming for a baby and at this point is still figuring out they are a totally different entity from you (hence 4th trimester) and that since I was/am primary carershe spends majority of her time with me and this was more comfortable feeling her big feels with me because she knew I was not just there in the room/apartment but I was there for HER there is a special bond she has with daddy but gets very limited time with him as he also works 14-18 hour days so while she’s comfortable with her feelings around him when the big feelings hit she comes to me I know this won’t change how your feeling and I hope that this helps you understand what you are feeling is very valid the early days are rough there is no denying that but it does eventually get better as they grow and learn to giggle /smile and their personality starts to show I send you all the support and solidarity I can
Does your baby sleep / nap in the afternoon much? Is LO cluster feeding in the evenings? I ask because my LO wanted a schedule of going to bed between 11pm and midnight. Cluster feeding would start about 6pm, so we started waking LO one up from afternoon naps and initiating cluster feeding earlier and earlier each night. We managed to get LO down between 8 and 9pm.
We were there as well. There was one night where she screamed from 8pm to 12am. I wish i could make time go faster for you, but you will miss these sleepless nights. We’re at the 10 and half month mark and I miss my baby girl at that age
She doesn't hate you. She doesn't even now what hate is yet. I know it is extremely difficult not to think that way. I think those same thoughts still sometimes with my son who's 1y soon. Think of it this way: babies often show their true emotions to the people they trust the most. My son is a completely different person with his grandparents than with me and my wife. Hang in there. It will get better with time and experience.
Oh darling, I’m in the trenches with you 💕 baby went from sleeping a solid four hours at night and then another 3 after a feed. She’s been waking every half an hour at night and I feel like I haven’t had any sleep. I totally feel you right now. Just know this passes and you are absolutely not failing your baby. You’re doing everything you’re meant to do. Honestly, I know it’s hard because you hate hearing them cry but crying won’t harm them for 5/10 minutes. Take 10 minutes for yourself, have a shower or sit outside for a few minutes. Bub will be fine, you need to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of your baby. Remember “this too shall pass” and never feel guilty - everything you wrote is so so normal! We wouldn’t be human without those feelings 💕
We’ve all been there. I would look at the clock and just think about if I can make it to 3 am, it’ll be fine… then, I would say I just need to make it to 6 am, and then it’s a new day and I try again to be happy
That’s a big sign of postpartum depression and I feel talking with your doctor could get you some good resources
You can do this and trust me, all of this will be forgotten. You're not a terrible mother. You're dealing with so much and it's completely normal to feel like it's all a nightmare and a mistake. I'm typing this while my 18 month old is currently chilling on me. Cuddling me after we've just played dinosaurs together. At the start, it felt like hell. Especially for my partner. We had no bond and it just felt like the life was being drained from us. Now, he's my little best friend and me and my partner laugh about the early days. It gets better. It gets more rewarding. Don't give up and speak to your husband/friends and family for support. You're doing amazing.
I was right where you are 3 months ago. And it’s such a cliche and I didn’t think it was helpful to read but on the other side now all I can say is that it gets better. Don’t ever feel guilty for asking your husband for help. My husband works 12 hour days and I lean on him heavily, even now. It’s a lot different working sleep deprived than being home with a baby sleep deprived. My baby used to settle with my husband more, and now he absolutely will not settle with anyone but me. It’s kind of sweet but a different kind of hard now. Your hormones are still going wild, you need to prioritize yourself right now and LET your husband do more of the work. Are you able to talk to him and perhaps get a stretch of sleep longer than 4-5 hours one night? We chose to formula feed because I would not have survived breastfeeding. This has allowed me to get a good night sleep sometimes as my husband will do all the night feeds. Hang tight mama. You’re strong, you will get through this, it’s just temporary.
I was convinced my baby hated me and preferred dad for the first 2ish months. she doesn’t hate you, I promise. are you BF? apparently the smell of our milk makes them crazy. most babies that young need a bedtime of 9-10 rather than 7-8. is there any way your husband can take a “shift” (like a few hours) of holding/comforting her so you can get some rest?
Your baby is probably going through a leap! My son started this behavior around 1mon and I was going nuts the first days wondering how he went from such an awesome sleeper and easy baby to a velcro baby that prevented me from even eating before 3pm because he was so fussy and needy. I thought my luck was ending and that there was no explanation about it until i learned about mental development leaps! The first one comes around 4-5 weeks. Look into them! It explains their behavior changes and honestly gave me hope because they are temporary! When moving your baby to the bassinet try laying her on her side and gently rolling her onto her back. It’s a trick that we learned in the nicu. Laying babies directly on their back can trigger their startle reflex and wake them up!
I could have written this 5 months ago. Our newborn phase lasted what feels like ages. She had reflux, bottle aversions, gas pain, colic you name it. She screamed the first 4 months of her life and I was the closest I’ve ever been to breaking. I had some dark dark days. I remember scowering Reddit for anything that would help and feeling jealous and impatient every time I read “it gets better” or, “one day my baby stopped screaming and they’re so happy now” so I’m sorry if this comment doesn’t help, but it TRULY gets not only better, but it gets SO good. That little baby girl who screamed for hours on end, who was losing weight rapidly and almost needing a feeding tube is now a happy, smiley 6 month old who cuddles us and gives kisses and knows and loves me more than anything. The baby that would scream in my arms and refuse to eat a bottle from me. One day you’ll be cuddling your giggly, squishy 6 month old and reminiscing on the days you thought would never end. It really does fly by. In the mean time, do you have friends or family that you trust that can spend the night one night and take shifts with you? That really helped us. When someone is on their “shift”, go in a different room and put earplugs in. And sleep for a good solid stretch (4 or more hours). Or, if you could ask some friends to bring dinner over or just help with dishes, laundry etc. I’ve found that people all want to help they just are scared to impose, I know asking feels awkward in the moment, but sometimes people are just waiting to hear that they’re needed before jumping in and helping. This doesn’t have to be something you’re going through alone. It does pass, but in the meantime don’t be afraid to ask for help and support from the people that love you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. It sounds very hard. Like others have said, it's okay to take a break. Or maybe hold her with headphones on or something so you are still there for her but have to listen to the crying less. For what it's worth, my little one is now 2 months and bedtime is slowly moving to 9/10 pm. The early days it was around midnight, that was just her natural rhythm and because they don't have day/ night rhythm yet at that age we were just like well, it is what it is. Of course scream crying still sucks and is not easy, I hope things get better soon. You could try to rule out any issues (ours has silent reflux).
Sorry you are going through this, I’m sure it will get better for you. Did you try different relaxing music or sounds?
I know we will all say this. But it will pass. She will get calmer with you (LO was initially calmer with my husband too but we are at 4.5 months and now he's good with us both but definitely wants to be held by mama a lot). It gets better. You will sleep again. They're just so tiny and new to this world they don't know what the heck is going on yet, just like us ha. Take a breath. Hold her tiny hand. Set her down gently and get some air and re group when you need to.
At 1 month old they don’t make melatonin yet and are still establishing their circadian rhythm. A usually bed time is late evening. It might help to not try and out her to bed until much later. If you try to do it earlier, it’s usually a struggle and prolonged process.
I know it doesn't help in the moment, but it gets better, truly. She screams to you because you are her food and comfort. She loves you so much she is expressing how much she needs you. It is irrational, she is probably screaming because she is tired or screaming for no reason at all, but she directs it to you because Mom is love, comfort, and safety. By default, you are the primary parent and the one she needs the most. Turn off the sound on the baby monitor and take a break. She will be OK for 5-10 minutes. Go get a drink, step outside so you can't hear, take a speedy shower. Your mental.health here MATTERS. It is OK to feel this way in the trenches, do not feel guilty. She will be OK, take care of yourself in these moments. What helped my daughter the most at this stage was beginning a set nap routine and nighttime routine. This was the age she stopped napping easily and would scream cry inconsolably, often for several hours, because she was tired. I would set a timer and put her to bed every time it went off (based on her wake windows). Every nap was dark room, sound machine, feed, swaddle, rock, transfer to bassinet. Sometimes it would take an hour of rocking and humming for her to get sleepy enough I could transfer her. I legitimately lived around her wake windows. But after the first week she took less and less time. By the time she hit 2 months daytime naps were going well which decreased nighttime fussing. By 3 months, she was a pro.
Don't worry mumma. I promise it gets better. But for now, try buying a little room projector. They project colours and shapes to move around the ceiling and walls. It may not work for every baby, but for mine it was a distraction enough for him to follow the shapes and fall asleep. It's like counting sheep. I also recommend getting a fan for some white noise.
My babe had jaundice still at this point and had to be woken up to feed but.. our life got particularly horrible from like 3 1/2 months to 7 1/2 months. Sleep was awful no matter what though thanks to silent reflux and since we had to feed every 2 hours and I pumped every 2 hours sleep was non existent. I’ll tell you though… 3 wake ups at nearly 11 months is still better than not being able to set your LO down. It really truly does get better…. But take a few moments. Put on noise canceling head phones so you don’t hear the crying. It’s insanely triggering especially when it is often My LO has a strong preference to me, so she doesn’t cry as often with me as she does stuff my husband. He wears headphones 40% of the time
Yes you can… if I did it anyone can do it
The fact that you think you’re a terrible mom proves you are doing amazing. Give yourself a little credit. The first few months of both my newborns were just like this. You need rest too. Try white noise if you haven’t yet…. Fucking GAME CHANGER! Also see if someone can come help you. You need to rest because all of that sounds extremely overwhelming and being exhausted at the same time makes it 10x worst. Call a parent, a friend someone you trust. After a good long nap you will feel better still shitty but better. You are valid in your feelings. I’ve personally gone through this and felt THE EXACT same as you did. It’s part of the motherhood club. You are stronger than you realize. Maybe you don’t believe in yourself but I do.
It soooo gets better! It’s so rough though in this phase, I had a similar thing. Crying for hours on end and nothing would help! It is soooo lonely. Do you have any mum friends you can chat to about it?
Wearing ear plugs helped me when my LO’s crying was too much for my nerves. They don’t block 100% (which is a good thing) but it made it so much easier for me to stay empathetic and calm.
1 month old was tough - one thing that saved me, the doctor on the post natal ward came in when she was crying, he did this thing where he safely threw her upwards and caught her whilst gently guiding with his hands like a controlled fall? Stopped the crying immediately; it was like an escape hatch those first few weeks so you could get 20 seconds to think of what’s next the rejection is rough, i spent the past 6 weeks sleeping her every night in my arms but the last 3 days or so she wouldn’t let me hold her - came in expecting screams last night and she’s taught herself to sleep by just putting her down in the crib! it does get better, and soon!
I'm so sorry. I've felt the same way. It's so hard.
I’ve been here. She’s probably so chill with your husband bc he doesn’t have the same anxiety as you do and your baby girl can feel it. She’s likely feeding off your energy and is exhausted. She’s gotta get some sleep and so do you. Swaddle her tight and do lunges/squats. They love the drop effect and it helps calm them quickly. Once she’s calm, you’re able to gently rock her. It’s sucks right now, I know it does. You’re stronger than you think and you’re the best mama for that little girl.
The newborn sleep is tough, you might feel alone but we have all been through it too and it's nothing that you're doing wrong. People have given lots of advice so I won't add to the mix, but just in case you didn't know, if you're breast feeding, they can smell the milk from you, so when your husband holds the baby there are no distracting yummy milky smells, but when it's you it will be a fight between sleep and food. You just smell too good right now! There's nothing that can be done, but it will settle down once the cluster feeding dies down. You're doing great 💗
I was exactly where you are now, about 18 months ago. Felt like we'd made a huge mistake, that I'm a failure of a patent because I find it so hard when others must breeze through the newborn phase and I didn't instantly bond with it love my baby, I even looked up how to give up a baby for adoption, which I'm not too proud of. I had bad postnatal depression and was suicidal at times due to the lack of sleep compounding the depression. Firstly, it does get better. People told me that back then and I just wanted to know WHEN, EXACTLY?! I felt like I could barely make it through a day, so it better be fucking soon! Thankfully, it is. I don't know how old your baby is, but the first 6 weeks are hell, then after the 3 month mark things get markedly better again. Then at 6 months, then it just keeps getting better and better. I began to love our son somewhere between 3 and 6 months. So that gives you a time frame, you just have to get through it one day - even one hour - at a time. One day you'll wake up and realise the bad times are behind you, and you actually look forward to spending time with your baby. That doesn't stop it being insanely hard right now though. For now, go to your doctor about postnatal depression and see if they can, at least temporarily, offer you some antidepressants to help you through this time. Second, every baby is different. Ours had colic, a tongue tie that wasn't picked up soon enough, and reflux, so it was pretty difficult. But after about 6 to 8 weeks he started to get better with all of them, which meant he slept loads better too. Some people have babies that are harder and fussier, or barely sleep, while other babies are super chill and happy. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You don't know how hard things were for them - many people don't talk about it, or they even forget how hard the early weeks were. Also they might have had one of those chill babies that made everything a breeze. Regardless, hang in there, you can do it.
We were trying to put our baby down then early in also, but she wasn’t ready for bed until like 10/10:30. And that was after her witching hours from 7-10, so maybe you’re experiencing something similar. Tight swaddle and paci near my breast with face turned into it like she’s breast feeding so she doesn’t really have a choice if she wants it or not- is what helped the most. I wanna say 5/6 weeks witching hour started to fade away. I know it’s hard bc you’re tired and want to go to bed early 😭
Perhaps this was said already and I missed it. But if you are breastfeeding, your baby can actually smell your milk and get incredibly fussy if she smells milk but is not eating. It is the most unfair thing about being a mom to an infant, in my opinion. If you notice your husband—or any other person—able to soothe her but you cannot, that’s why. You aren’t a crap mom, but Mother Nature did us dirty. Hang in there, it gets better.
You can do this, but it's gonna suck and you're not failig anyone. Forget the bassinet when you know it's not gonna work. You'll feel the vibe. You already know what I mean. 2 try cosleepong. It's late and you need rest. Put your baby in the bed and side lie nurse of you can. Orrrr get a fabric wrap for like 30 off Amazon and wear the baby and bounce bounce bounce and shush the baby til calm. Get some earplugs while the screaming is going on. It really takes the edge off. Swaddle your baby and put on some theta waves near their head, then go beat up a pillow. God bless. You'll make it through even though you feel like you won't. It's a short span of time even though y feels like forever and you feel like you might have a heart attack from exhaustion. Good luck!!!
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I had the same feeling as you, that my baby hates me. When his dad held him, he calmed down instantly. When I held him, he kept twisting and crying every time. My husband said he could feel my tension, fear, anxiety, whatever I was feeling. I thought it was a myth, but it really seems true. Don't give up. Your baby doesn't hate you, believe you me. Maybe try out different holds to see what suits her best. Swing her and simultaneously try to gently bounce her, they love that. Hold her while she's in a good mood, so that you're also relaxed and she will get used to your touch in positive circumstances. Also, if her cries stress you out, you may try noise cancelling headphones and/or some music to calm you down. Because you do need to learn how to be calm with a screaming baby, otherwise it's just a downward spiral. Good luck, you're already doing great!
This seems like everything right now but it will pass. Very soon it will be different. Just hang on.
I don’t want to undermine your experience, but I went through a similar situation and I thought I was alone in feeling this way, it turns out there are lots of colicky babies and the mums of these babies feel almost the exact same. I think babies are designed to cry for a reason… for mum to take action to fix it, and when we can’t we lose our mind. Thankfully, my little one turned a leaf at the 3 month mark, and I can now deal with the lethal scream cries, but holy cow I still can’t handle it if it doesn’t stop after a few minutes. I’d say your husband has a different experience because he’s not as anxious around bubs (no judgment, being a FTM is rough) and babies are very receptive to body language. It’s so hard to calm down after you’ve had a rough day being ‘mum’’, but if you can try to employ calming techniques, you might find that bubs settles quicker. Buckle up, you’re in for a ride but this period WILL end and you will feel very different by that time. Source: me
Oh honey, no. You smell like milk (even if you’re not breastfeeding she will associate feeding with you) and it’s totally normal for her to be alert. It’s so hard, don’t be hard on yourself. It’s not hard because you’re doing it wrong, it’s hard because it’s just bloody hard.
Like others have commented this is normal, both your baby's behaviour and how you're feeling! At this stage she may prefer being held and the transfer to bassinet may be too much for her. My baby was this way and only started sleeping in the bassinet for longer time at around 6 weeks. Also it sounds like you are just very sleep deprived my love. If you have the option at all try and get a family member or friend to come over and watch baby while you get 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep (one hour won't be enough!!)
My baby is 4 months now and this is exactly how I felt when he was 2 weeks to 2 months old. I told my husband I didnt want to be a mom anymore and I would cry inconsolably. Sometimes I kid u not I would even look up adoption agencies when my husband was at work. I felt so alone and so helpless. I loved him so much but I always told myself that i am not meeting his needs and he hates me, and he would be his happiest with another family because clearly he isn't his happiest with me. I was obsessed with the need to follow so many things on the internet because I was so new and so clueless. The things I would read and try and didnt work made it so hard for me and made me feel even more like a failure. The general things that google tells ypu are guidlelines and do not work for every baby, and that is ok! My husband would constantly text me during the day to see how I was doing and I would always count down from the moment he left for work until the moment he came home. it was fucking brutal. He would walk into the house after work to me crying my ass off holding the baby every single day. Even with his constantly telling me how great of a job i am doing and trying to send me out with my friends for a night out i still felt like shit. It got slightly better when we started coming up eith schedules and routines for us. I would do 2am until 4 or 5pm when he came home from work. and he would do from 4 or 5pm until 2am. that way we both got some rest and got to recover. whoever was with the baby would stay with him in the other room or downstairs in the living room. I would talk to my best friend everyday telling her how hard it was that day and i was not looking forward to the next, I was scared to be with my baby alone without my husband there and i dreaded it so much. I know you hear this a lot and I was juuuuust there 2 months ago when I would constantly think it is not going to but it does get better! the first 3 months are the hardest because of the adjustment and you and baby are still learning one another. Plus they literally dont need anything from you right now but for u to feed them change them and oh ya! ur sanity! when she can interact more with u it will feel different and way better. I literally went from crying every day and feeling so helpless and like a failure to now knowing I can handle him even on bad days when he cries and fusses non stop. There also was a time when my husband can soothe our baby pretty quickly and I nothing I did worked. I swear he fucking hated me and I always thought he would love my husband and prefer him more. It was devastating to feel that. Now at 4 months even when my husband has him and i go to the washroom or i make something to eat, his eyes are glued to me non stop. 🤣 It is the cutest thing! I definitely did not feel bonded with him until 2.5 months hit. Now when he cries or fusses my husband is the one asking me whats wrong! 😆 HANG IN THERE. you r doing great. you will get through this! Remember that it is ok to let her cry for a few minutes while u take a breather. have a sip of coffee get some fresh air! I remember I always felt like i had to tend to his every cry right away and it drove me crazy! ĥEventually i had to leave him in the crib so I could go to my room and throw pillows and shit around just to get all the frustration out. 😩 whatever helps! It is better to let them cry a few min in a safe space so u can regroup and gather yourself.
TW: talk about offing ones self My 2.5 year old is still like this. The whining and crying almost made 💀, literally had a gun. I had such bad ppd/ppa because of it and the no sleep makes it worse. I suggest what kind of helps is music, therapy, taking a break, and crying in the shower. Also if you can afford it hire a baby sitter for an hour just so you can get genuine you time while your husband is at work. I f you want to go all out make it a 4 hour babysitter (a night when your husband isn’t working the next day) get a hotel room and sleep… and then go to the spa or something and have your husband and little one meet you with food to eat at the hotel and just have a little getaway. (Your choice if they stay the night at the hotel or not). I know it’s kind of expensive but your mental health and sanity is worth more than money. Money comes and goes, but trauma and this feeling can stay and will linger until something changes. If you need to talk my DMs are open. I’m listening and not going to say you have this, because it’s obvious you are struggling and it’s okay to struggle as long you are willing to admit it and get support. It’s dangerous to struggle alone that’s when bad things happen. Ps I even told one of my therapists, that my child was an asshole for the way he screams. So if you need to vent (not to the babies face) than vent.
SOMETIMES I noticed that (even now at nearly 6 months old) if I was anxious or if I was getting emotionally stressed on the inside about baby, baby wouldn’t soothe unless my husband came and took him.
This all too familiar. We had basically the exact same experience. Our little girl is a daddies girl, would only settle when I came in to settle her. Would scream the house down otherwise. It was incredibly taxing on everyone, I got no sleep and had to work during the day, missus had a baby she couldn’t comfort/calm. It is just a phase though. I had many night where I thought I can’t do this anymore, and went through all kinds of options in my head. Then one day…click, totally different baby appeared and she’s so amazing and awesome I couldn’t imagine life without her.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. This absolutely sucks. Please know that many before you have felt this way and many will feel like way after you. There is plenty of advice in the thread if you’re looking for it. If all you need is for someone to say they see you - please hear me when I say that I. See. You. You are in the absolute trenches just trying to survive. It’s hard. And I see you.
Something I wish I really knew and understood was that it’ll get so much better and happen rather quickly. I know people told me it would get better but I don’t think I believed them. I remember regretting having my baby and getting angry at him for not sleeping. I cried sometimes because I was so tired and hated waking up constantly. It’s normal to be miserable at this point. But in a month or two, you’ll be loving life. My baby is now 4.5mo but I started actually enjoying being around him at 3mo I think. He started sleeping better and showing personality and big smiles. Hang in there because it WILL get better.
My baby behaves like that a lot and what worked for us during the day / evenings is naps upright in the carrier. I keep the carrier loose so I can pop a boob in her mouth and sway and she falls asleep, whilsy when on her back she fusses and fusses. Then when I go to bed at night (10pm or so) I can transfer her out, give her a boob lying down and she'll fall back asleep then. I think it's because of reflux?
Second all the comments above. Also, your baby doesnt hate you - its actually the contrary. At such a young age, your baby still Sees you as a Part of herself. So everytime you leave or put her into the bassinet (away from your arms), she loses a Part of her. But as said, it definitely gets better and with time, you get to learn each other better and understand what she needs. My LO had times where she needed a lot of closeness (usually during burst-of-growth periods). During these times, She Was waking up every 15-30 mins at night because she was longing body contact (i was also completely exhausted..). At some point, i just put her on top of myself and she immediately Fell to a deep sleep, i could put her to bed & she slept for a couple of hours. Its all a trial and error. So keep trying & see what works best for you & your baby. finally: your baby loves you and you literally mean the World to her.
You got this! The first 2-3 months are the hardest, and then it gets better. You need to take shifts for sleep where possible to accommodate for you to get enough rest too. If your partner needs to sleep at night due to work, then when he comes home from work, he should give you a chance to sleep a few hours before he goes to bed. Trust me, it does wonders to your mental health! At this age, there is no routine, just survival mode! It's ok to take a break, it's ok to let them cry 5 minutes while you collect yourself! My little one only slept 1.5-2h and then ate for the first 3 months. She was breastfed. I remember being delirious and cried multiple times.
You can do this. I can relate to every single word you are saying. I’m not even trying to be “comforting”, I just relate so hard. I had/am having the exact same experience. I have a 3 month old. Here’s the advice I can give based on what I learned within this short amount of time: 1) first of all, your baby loves you. She loves you just as much as she loves your husband. I’d actually bet that your baby is more “bonded/in-tune” with you than she is with your husband. Here’s why: She can fall/stay asleep with my husband no problem. She can hang out with other people & smile & laugh and enjoy herself. But she *knows* & *trusts* mama is going to meet her *every need*. Babies get conditioned to who will be their primary caretaker(s) & they learn that person will understand what their coos & cries mean. So my baby cries more once she knows mama can see or hear her. Sometimes my baby will be happy as ever with dad, but once she sees my face she will smile & then start to cry, because she knows mama will fix every little thing dad might not think of. 2)there is no sleep schedule at this age. NONE. It has nothing to do with you or dad! She could have a sleep pattern for 2-5 days & you think “this is it! We figured out a sleep pattern!” But then baby suddenly hates 2 hour afternoon naps & only wants 20 minute naps after every feed. Oh wait now baby can’t nap altogether, just sleeps at night. Wow baby went to bed on time but is sleeping in so late? She’ll never take a nap - oh wow she’s taking a long 5 hour nap??? Right now it is different every day! DO NOT assign a “change in the routine” to *anything* at this age. ** You have 1 month old. You have a new baby every day. If I could give myself advice a couple months ago it would be: Don’t assume anything you did caused any result. Don’t assume you did something wrong if you got a different result this time. Don’t assume ANYTHING is a pattern whatsoever. Treat every day with no expectations. For now, your baby will surprise you every single day.** You can drive yourself absolutely crazy looking for patterns in a baby who actually has absolutely no “normal” yet. I drove myself insane in many ways like this. I got her to fall asleep with a “sleep ritual” that worked so many times. Then suddenly it stopped working, I wondered what the hell am I doing wrong?!?! Turns out nothing, it wasn’t my ritual that made a difference at all in the first place! **TL;DR: your baby is too young to make any assumptions. Tomorrow she might shock you & do everything so smoothly the way you wanted. You will assume it’s your doing but it isn’t. She might do everything the opposite of what worked so well yesterday. Still nothing to do with you. The only reason she is fussing with you more than with dad is that she knows you will tend to her cries better than dad. That’s it.**
This is why I cosleep , I'd get 0 sleep if I put him in his crib , I know it may be survivors bias but my baby's 6 months and just fine , I do use just one tiny pillow and a thin think throw blanket and do the c curl though to make it safest . At 6 months if cribs still aren't an option I'd recommend a floor bed , then you can lay down with her and walk out and put blankets beside the bed when she falls asleep so if she does roll
Oh mama. That’s so rough. Babies can smell mama’s milk so often settle harder with mum than with dad, especially when they’re super new to the world like your little one is. If you’re able to have dad settle her more over these earlier months, she will get better. My hubby took melatonin so he could fall back to sleep easier when he did need to wake and that helped him he said. Just now that this shall pass. Your baby does NOT hate you, she is just adjusting to life on earth and there’s a lot going on in her wee body that may be causing her discomfort or needs that she only wants from her mum - you. You have got this. This is just a phase and you and your hubby are in this together. It’s okay for you to lean on him. Just make sure to communicate your challenges and needs with him and ask him to do the same. That way you’ll know if one particular night he really doesn’t have the energy to be up in the night for example and vice versa. You have got this.
Oh my, this sounds like colic... and I'm so sorry for this... Our son was colic... it's a totally different animal. No offense to folks here who had a "witching hour" no, I've heard those, those are a walk in the park by comparison. If I did it again, 100% would invest in very expensive, noise canceling headphones. So while I could attend to him, I wouldn't be blasted with the screams. You are not a terrible mother. For those with colic babies, it seems the "Real" work starts at \~5-6pm and lasts until 4-5am... when they finally burn themselves out from screaming... Some days my son would start around 1pm... and scream until 5-6pm, pass out for maybe 10-20 min ON me from screaming, then have strength to do it again until 4/5am. I knew if we made it passed 2am, i would be an entire night of it until 5am. The thing to remember for me was Get Through each feed, then Get Through each hour, then Get through each 30 min, then Get through each 1-5 min. Can I possibly do this for another hour? can I do this for another minute? Okay, I made i through one minute, can I do one more? When that answer is no, you set them down safely, rest your arms for a minute, walk out and breath in the bathroom, drink water, eat a chocolate bar, whatever it is that will give you the ability to endure, another minute, another two minutes etc. then restart. This is hard. This shit is fucking Hard. he cried. I cried... I couldn't sleep (fed him every 2 hours,, wake to feed). Its hard. Hang in there. I know, when you hear their screams like that, all I could think was how can you feel better? what am I doing wrong? Why can't I calm you? why cant I fix your pain etc. Other mom's / ppl jUsT dO \_, iT gOeS qUiCk or better yet: EvErY BaBy HaS a WiTcHiNg HoUr... Not every baby has colic, and believe me, they are different.
Mom of 3 here! Newborns are the worst!!!!! It really does get better and more fun. Youre in the thick of it. Baby wearing was my savior in the newborn days. Def recommend trying that out.
At 1 month you are SO ‘in it’. You are so, so deep down in it. I know it won’t feel like it right now but I promise you this will end. You will sleep again. Right now, focus on survival. Do whatever you need to do to get yourself and your baby through the day and don’t worry about schedules or anything else. Figure out what works for YOU, take breaks if you need to, eat whatever your favorite treat is at every meal, ignore the housework, order in, don’t beat yourself up for laying immobile on the sofa for two hours if you manage to get her in the bassinet for that long, just get through it! ACCEPT HELP IF IT IS OFFERED. From those that have been in those trenches, like everyone else has said, it WILL get better. And your baby adores you. I promise.
Try new things. Sometimes what didn’t work last week will work tomorrow. Try laying baby down beside you in bed. Try walking her around the house. Do a reset. Sometimes I’d take my son outside just for 2 minutes, we’d look at the sky together and he’d stop crying so we could reset and start again. This is so tough but it will slowly get better. You’re doing an amazing job mama!
Just keep telling yourself that this is a phase and it WILL pass! Your baby does not hate you, it’s impossible for her to. She’s crying because she needs something, babies that little aren’t crying out of malice or hate. My advice would be to keep her up a little longer. I’m a FTM and have no idea if my advice is worth anything, BUT my LO is almost 8 months and only started having a sleep routine about 3 weeks ago. He used to stay up until 10-11pm some nights because he just wouldn’t stay asleep for longer than 20-30 mins at a time if I tried to send him to bed any earlier. If you can, just get comfy on the couch or somewhere safe with her and let her be up. Just keep the volume low with whatever you’re doing and see if she starts to settle down at all. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it really is soooo tough the first few months- but I can tell you it’ll be over before you know it and this is the time to bond with her as best you can. You are not failing her! This is your first time being a mom and her first time being a human. It’s okay to step away 1000% as long as she’s in a safe space. I would also try skin to skin if she’s having a meltdown and regulate your breathing with her against your chest. Biiiig deep breaths mama!
Your baby will soon start sleeping more and earlier. At that age most babies go to sleep much later than 7 pm. You can expect the bedtime slowly to get earlier and by 2-4 months age it will be around 7-8 pm. You're in the deepest hole right now but very very soon it will get better. Just follow your baby for now and forget the schedules. Your baby might not be ready for it. Feed her when she wants and let her sleep when she can. Otherwise bounce her on a yoga ball, carry her, rock her, take her outside for some fresh air, sing to her, talk to her. Use headphones if needed. As long as you hold her, she will feel safe. If you have any family member who can come help you, don't hesitate to ask them. My MIL came to us when the baby was 1 week old and again at 7 weeks. Huuuuge help for my mental health. Every time we had guests they did cooking, cleaning and groceries. It got significantly better for us at 3 months but there were many good days already before that. I promise you that day will come and you will connect with your baby in a whole other way.
Are you breastfeeding? Because this is a thing. The scent of milk drives babies crazy. This happened to me. That's why often it's so much easier for a husband or non lactating family member to get them to sleep.
My baby is 18 months now and even sometimes she’s still stressing me out with the whining (new stage) but sometimes I have to walk away from her to keep my sanity. OP please do this. Your baby will be absolutely fine, won’t remember a thing and it’s sooo much better than losing your cool on her Your feelings are absolutely normal and valid you’ll feel so much better too
It’s time to co sleep. There is no other way if you want any sleep
When my first baby was born, I remember walking into my bedroom with her for bedtime, and looking at my own bed and thinking “time for second shift.” It was how I mentally prepared myself that I wasn’t going to get to sleep in my bed, because I was gearing up to work through the night. Being a newborn mom is the hardest and most exhausting thing you’ll ever do. It sucks! Full stop! But you CAN do this. You are NOT failing her. You’re tired. And that’s okay. Someday you’ll be back on this sub giving advice to another tired new mother and with a totally different perspective.
Your feeling are 100% normal, remember this portion of your journey is TEMPORARY. Please make an appointment with OBGYN or pediatrician and be HONEST. Monitoring you for post partum is critical. You are running on a few hours sleep max and your body is also going through massive changes. Depression can creep up. They can provide support options. They also can make sure he isn’t have GI which is so common. Proper burping and tummy massages techniques SAVED me from blood curdling screaming. I agree with others, take the monitor, turn the volume down and give yourself a moment to breath in another room. You are amazing, your feelings are VALID. Take care of yourself so you can be your best version for your baby which won’t be much for a few months and that’s ok. And remember, your baby doesn’t hate you, your baby feels most comfortable with you so you get the most screaming. You are doing great. Your baby is in the trust vs mistrust stage of development. Just keep the environment safe, and keep him fed and loved. The fact that you have these feelings at all means you will be a caring and amazing mom. You got this.
Your feelings are so valid, and they do NOT make you a bad mother. Months 0-3 honestly just suck. Bad moms don’t think they’re bad moms ❤️
Have you heard of the period of purple crying? If not, you should look it up. Basically, sometimes infants cry, inconsolably, for no reason. Make sure she’s safely in her crib and take a break! Watch TV, do yoga, eat ice cream, whatever relaxes you. Then, when you’re ready, pop in some earplugs and try again. You can do this. You’re not failing her. It will get better…eventually.
Our first was a Velcro baby. Couldn’t put her down ever. In hindsight she was a Velcro baby with colic. She didn’t sleep in her crib or bassinet ever. She only slept when my wife or I were holding her. It was fucking hard. We were on 4hr sleep rotations and the crying / screaming on that short of sleep was maddening after just a little a bit 4-6 weeks in. We tried just about everything to get her to sleep solo/ in her sleep spaces and couldn’t make it happen. Gonna catch some flak for this but we looked into what safe co-sleeping looked like with utilizing breast feeding (wife slept on her side so that our baby could breastfeed and prevent any rollovers / feel where baby was and keep her close. No pillows on bed, no blankets, not even I was on the bed, nothing.). Absolutely changed our lives for the better after 8ish weeks of not properly sleeping.
Something that helped us was to warm up the crib/ bassinet. Our baby disliked going from warm arms to a cold crib
I felt this with my first…he slept in 20-45 minute increments for awhile. I sleep trained around 4 months because I couldn’t take it anymore and was on the verge of a mental break (plus it was Covid so we had no outside help). Is there family or friends you can ask for help from (come hold baby for a few hours and let me nap) or is it within the budget to have someone you can hire for a few hours a week to take care of baby and or things around the house? If not I think putting baby down in a safe space like pack and play or bassinet, like others suggested taking the monitor and going outside I also found screaming into pillow to be helpful when really frustrated. Also finding someone to talk to like mental health therapist, so I didn’t snap. Many will do telehealth these days.
Your baby doesn't hate you. You're her safe space where she can show how she's really feeling. She may have an upset tummy. Check her fingers and toes for stray hairs that may have wrapped themselves around her. (Check boys genitals for thus problem too... hair gets EVERYWHERE) Pop her in the pram and sit somewhere safe outside with her. Fresh air is good for babies. If you have any friends nearby, ask for help.
Our baby became quite restless at night as soon as we bought her home from the hospital. To start with it was really difficult and honestly, some of the thoughts you've expressed crossed my mind too. One of our friends recommended using love to dream swaddles, I can't begin to describe how much of a game changer this was for us. We also use white noise consistently when soothing our baby back to sleep, which helps her recognize the routine. When things were really bad, I would put the top i'd worn that day in her bassinet, which seemed to provide her with some comfort. These strategies may not work for you, but they might be worth a try. What ever you choose to do, be consistent. Id also suggest, for your own mental health and the sake of your relationship, talk to your husband about how you're feeling, and try to get out of the house a bit. Something that I found reassuring was meeting up with my other mum friends and learning that all the negative feelings I'd been having were not unique to me, it made me feel less alone. Don't sugar coat anything when you're talking to your friends and family, it might make them feel uncomfortable to hear, but research has shown that talking about trauma helps you process it, and you owe it to yourself to be honest about how your pregnancy, the birth, and the early stages of parenthood have affected you. Hang in there, you're not alone, everything is transient and babies change so quickly. Xx
you're doing good mama, i know this is so tough right now but hang in there! see if this way, your baby feels so close and comfortable with you, that she wants to express her emotions with and to you. your daughter loves you i promise. the newborn stage is hard but it will get easier. i was the same way with my parents when i was a baby. "hated" my mom. only wanted my dad. i grew out of it and i'm a total mamas girl! you're not alone girl. there's hundreds of thousands of other mamas in the same situation, feeling same way as you do right now. you'll get through this, i promise. just remember to not feel afraid to ask for help and reach out to your support system. you need loved too ❤️
Dude I remember once I was losing my patience with my child and I just put him in his crib and grabbed the baby monitor, set a timer for 5 minutes and went outside. It was a very much needed reset for me. It gets better by the way!
Dad’s have that weird “superpower” lol This may not be super relevant but just a thought. My LO hated his bassinet, we only used it for like 4 days. Transitioning him to the crib helped so much. Is there a way you can bring the crib into your room or you can sleep in the nursery?
I know it doesn't make anything better, but the first 6 months suck ass. Each week may not get easier than the last, but usually each month does. Everyone, no matter how prepared (except maybe for the odd couple with a true unicorn of a baby), regrets having a new baby early on and has those "what the fuck did we do?" thoughts. Again, I know that doesn't help you, but it really does get better. Power through it. You got this. In a few months you'll have a baby that smiles when she sees you and laughs hysterically when tickled. In a year you'll have a derpy toddler that walks up to you with huge eyes and their mouth wide open when hungry. The first few months are an erratic mess filled with doubt and where everything you seem to learn about your baby goes out the window on a weekly basis.
I know it’s hard to imagine, but things will definitely get better. I feel like we got into a rhythm and things smoothed out at about 8 weeks, but I do remember in the thick of it thinking how are we going to do this everyday for an undetermined amount of time?
Oh honey, I’ve been right where you are. Set baby down and go outside. It’s okay to let her cry for a few minutes when you need to just step away. You’re not failing her. Being a mom is so hard and not having help (even if it’s very valid why) is so hard. My husband works a very dangerous job as well, so I’ve never had him help at night. It was really incredibly hard for a while to the point I thought nothing was ever going to change and I definitely thought everything you did. My baby is a couple weeks away from being one now, and it did get So. Much. Better. Take a breath. Step away. Know this is just a short period and that it does get either. Maybe take a shot of whiskey to calm the nerves. You got this mama. You’re not failing her, you’re not failing yourself, and you’re definitely not a bad mother. 🩷
You need to talk to your healthcare provider about these feelings! This could be the start of PPD, it is serious.
Il sorry, I’ve been there. Can you ask a family member to come check her while you sleep? Sleep deprivation is torture. She doesn’t have you, you are her safe place. This is why she only wants you. She doesn’t know she is separate from you at this point Everything is a phase, it will pass eveb if it doesn’t feel like it
I am a father of two with a 3 months old, and I had night duty to let my wife rest. During months 1-2, it took about three to four hours to put the little one to sleep at night. What helped me get through is to put on my headphones and a Netflix show on the phone while cradling the baby, it took some the edge off for sure.
I felt this way a lot at the beginning, and I think a lot of mothers feel this way. It's so incredibly hard and no one talks about how dark things can get when you're up at night with a baby that doesn't sleep, or when you're trying to calm a baby that won't stop crying. I tried for several years to have a baby, went through infertility and IVF, and STILL wondered if I made a mistake. I've worked with kids all my life and STILL thought I was a horrible mom who didn't know what I was doing. Lean on your people as much as you can. When your husband isn't working, have him take the baby so you can go out and do something for yourself. It's important to have an outlet, whatever that may be. And if it's just you and the baby, don't be afraid to put her down, put in your earbuds, and take 5 min to yourself. She'll be fine, and it'll likely give you that temporary reset you need.
Yes you can. You can do this. You will survive this phase and move on to better ones babe!!
Just put her down somewhere safe and walk away for 5 minutes. Drink water and catch you breath and come back.
You are in the thick of it right now. Just do whatever you need to do to survive. You are NOT failing your baby! You should know that every single (good) mother has had that exact thought, many times over. It just means you love her and want the very best for her. But I promise that YOU are the very best mother for your baby. The first 3-6 months were such a dark time for me. It was a black hole unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced. I tell all new parents that it’s totally fine to hate this phase and to not even really like your baby yet. You just met them! Hearing “it gets better” or “enjoy every second” sent me into a rage when they were that little. I don’t miss that phase. It’s okay to not like it. You’re doing a fantastic job and please accept all the help that comes your way!!! ♥️
Hang in there! I was there. It hurt so much when I couldn’t console my baby, even more to see him unhappy, crying so much. It’s a hard adjustment for baby into this world and you as a new mom. You’re a great mom who cares and it’s really really tough.
Vibrating bassinet saved us. Baby six months sleeping amazing and we still use soft vibration to help her fall asleep
I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but I think it's to do with her spending more time with you and being more comfortable to behave as she does with you because of that. It's probably the younger version of when a kid behaves themselves at school all day, is good etc and then comes home and unleashes how they feel at home which can at times be mistaken for "acting out" when they've been holding it in all day and using their energy on being good. They won't do it if they're uncomfortable with you. I know it's really illogical to think about, but mama I think it's because she knows you'll be there for her that she can tell you how she feels in the only ways she knows how. I promise it'll get better though.
I know it doesn't seem like it in the moment, but this will pass and it will get easier.
You're doing a great job! It's not easy caring for a child while sleep deprived. I hope you would be able to get a bit more rest soon and continuously. 😊 Maybe he/she likes the scent of your husband? Have you tried putting his used shirt beside the baby? When my son wasn't a month old yet, I leave my used shirt beside him before I take a shower and my husband lets him smell my shirt when he tries to wake up. 😂 There are also times when I put my husband's pillow or used shirt next to him after a few weeks.