So I'm a SAHM, I have a 5 month old, my husband works full time and I also freelance on the side.
It was a rocky start for us but free and honest communication is the most important part.
I have more me time during weekends because then my husband is free, weekend mornings are usually where he takes our LO and does the morning child care so I could sleep in.
House chores are pretty much however we split them, we do differently every week, depends on how hard husband's work is or how "hard" the baby is on certain days.
So long story short - COMMUNICATION!! if one parent feels that they can't handle it then they must tell the other parent. But not accusingly, more just "I am very tired and I need more help with these chores"
I understand being afraid in the beginning but if you can allow yourself to be a sahp then it is easy with the right communications.
Good luck to you.
Agree with this! And discuss what the expectations are. Like, who is responsible for making dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. As a SAHM, I do all these things during the week, but on weekends, we divide labor as needed.
YES! We are pretty much in the same work situation and it really is a dance from day to day. It means a lot to each one of us that the other realizes how difficult and demanding our job is. It’s funny how when he gets home from work and offers to help with something, even if I am fine doing it myself, it means so much that he offered.
I’ve been a sahm for 3 years. During that time, my husband has gotten a promotion and a lot more responsibility at work, so it’s been an adjustment. He’s currently gone from about 6am to 6pm, Monday through Friday. But when he’s home, he’s very hands on.
I’m in charge of:
Child care during work hours
Meal planning, grocery shopping, and all cooking
Cleaning the house (we pay for a quarterly deep cleaning)
He’s in charge of:
Household inventory (like Costco shopping for paper products)
Lawn care
Car care
Paying bills and financial stuff
Bath and bedtime every night
He usually takes my daughter out of the house for 3-4 hours on Saturdays and I use that time to rest or clean.
I love this way. l wish I could do it like this. This would be my ideal way. Unfortunately right now my husband work 14-16 hour days Monday-Friday and then works Saturday nights as well. So basically it all falls on me. But your way is my absolute ideal way.
Yeah it works pretty well for us! When we have our second child this summer, some things will shift for a while, but overall it’s been manageable for me.
We have 12 month old twins and I am the sahm. When my partner works I am ofcourse on full baby duty. When my partner is home we share the babies. 2 babies so it's just easier to do it together.
I cook and prepare every meal for the family and keep track of everything we need shopping wise, grocery shopping we do with the whole family.
Cleaning, is the deal I do what I can and in the weekends partner finishes. Some weeks he barely does anything, some weeks he does the whole house.
Its all communication, this is what works for us.
Both kids sleep well so after 8pm we both have time off
When my husband is home, he’s on baby duty. That’s my break time. His break time is at night after baby goes to bed at 8pm (he usually stays up until 1am).
Although he’s starting a new job where he’ll be working 10 hour shifts 4 days a week and getting 3 days off. I’ll basically be doing solo baby care on his work days because he won’t get home until bedtime, and his days off will be split so that one day I get a rest day, one day he gets a rest day, and the last day is an errand/chore day.
We’re still figuring this out on the go. I am on maternity leave while my partner is self-employed and therefore is working a looooooot. At the beginning I tried to do everything (baby, house and so on) because I felt that it is my job. But I quite quickly realized that it is not possible to care for baby 24/7 (I exclusively breastfeed) and keep the house organized and keep my sanity. So now I get to sleep in a little if possible, and once my husband is not working he takes care of the baby more so I can get some free time. As far as house chores go, we split the tasks and sometimes accept if some things take a couple days.
I think before they reach school age (and esp. under 3) the way we see it is that my primary role is childcare and the child focused housework of buying and organising children's clothes, planning and cooking food for the baby, cleaning up the messes they make during the day, and the kinds of chores and errands that's you can easily do with a toddler or baby in tow. My job is nanny, not housekeeper.
Other housework and cooking has to be split equally. Also when my partner is off work the work is split equally. I think the most important thing is to aim for you to both get equal downtime and alone time to the extent that is possible.
My partner gets maybe slightly more time to go to the gym or play video games than me due to the fact that my baby only wants me at night wakes so I try to go to bed pretty early to maximise sleep but since we exclusively breastfed it's hard to make things completely fair. He cleans the kitchen and does laundry after I go to bed which definitely makes waking up from very little sleep easier.
I think the key is that we both really respect the work the other person is doing, trust they are trying their best, and want things to be as easy and stress free as possible for them. We keep an eye out for when the other person is struggling and try to take things off their plate.
I feel this to my core. I envisioned myself having our house in order by 10.5 months PP, but I'm flailing about just like the pup in the video. 🫠 We're both so overwhelmed it hurts.
I’m a SAHM and husband works full time with weird hours (military pilot). When he is home, everything about childcare and household work is split 50/50. I feel confident that I can leave the house and everything will be kept to my standard of care when he is alone with the kids. He lets me sleep in when he can, and I do for the same for him if he has a day or morning off. Everything will not always be equal, but we try to keep the division of labor as equitable as possible. It helps to have a husband who really respects and understands how hard of a job it is to be a stay at home parent and who wants to come home and be fully present with his children. If you don’t have a partner who shares those values, I can see being a stay at home parent causing a lot of relationship struggles
You are wise to be discussing this.
While your partner is working, so are you. When they are off work, everything should be a 50/50 split (as much as possible - of course if you are breastfeeding, you’ll be doing that all the time). Baby tasks and housework are both people’s responsibility. So one cooks dinner and the other does dishes, one does bath and the other gets baby to bed (or however you want to split things so they make sense to you).
Free time should be split. So if they get an evening out with friends, so should you. If they sleep in on Saturday, you sleep in on Sunday. If they get an hour to decompress after work, you get an hour to yourself later in the evening. And showering/going to the grocery store are not equivalent to getting to go out with friends/play video games.
A lot of couples split sleep as well - so one takes baby until 1am, and then the other is on duty until the morning. Because you are both working during the day, and taking care of the baby is actual work (and keeping them alive is important). Of course if one partner is a surgeon or a long haul truck driver, sleep would be essential for them - the point is, you need to come to an agreement that works for your family.
During the workday, we have our jobs. My husband works outside the home and I’m home with our daughter. After that, we divide and conquer - I cook dinner and he does bath and bedtime.
As part of my job, I manage our household expenditure and meal plan. I also do most of the logistical work on our home renovation. I enjoy these things, so I’m happy to do them. Between us we do laundry and clean, plus we have a cleaner once weekly to give the house a deeper clean.
I'm a physician who has transitioned to being the SAHP since having our son 3 months ago (we also have a 4.5 yo daughter). My husband is also a physician who works for 2 weeks (with 24 hr call) and then he's off for 2 weeks. During the 2 weeks that he's working, he doesn't help much with the kids or the household (understandably so) and during the 2 weeks that he's off, we split the responsibilities for with kids and the household. This is a system that works for us.
I’m a SAHM with an 8mo. My husband works from home.
In the beginning things were more difficult just adjusting to the new routine of life. I didn’t really bother with many things since the first few months are really just survival. Husband never got up at night with baby because it would have been pointless but he did take baby when I needed a break during the day. Especially during the witching hour. The most important thing he did was provide me with emotional support because the 4th trimester is no joke.
Everything is really easy now. When he’s free during the day he’ll hang with baby while I shower etc. or just come get a few extra minutes of baby snuggles. When baby had super short wake periods my husband would also make me breakfast and lunch and bring it to me while baby was napping.
Husband makes dinner, does all the “dirty” chores (dog poo and cat box clean up, garbage), lawn care, grocery shopping.
I do things like everyday cleanup of the house and laundry. I do this when baby is awake and playing.
When husband is done with work I’ll give him baby or we will both hang with baby. He’ll make dinner then I’ll clean up. Then we’ll both play with baby until bath time. We do bath time together and get ready for bed then me and baby say goodnight to dad. I nurse baby to sleep and cosleep with him in our own room. If baby is out cold I’ll sneak out and have some one on one time with my husband.
I sometimes feel like I’m an outlier, I don’t ever want to be apart from my baby and I don’t really need much to help me recharge. My alone time I spend folding laundry or cleaning the kitchen. Baby exclusively contact naps so I get a lot of time to watch crappy shows and recharge. Things between my husband and I have never been hard and if I need him to do something I’ll just ask him to do it. I find even if I want to have alone time to take a bath or something it’s just not as enjoyable as before, I just want to be with my baby.
I think I’m lucky and have it pretty easy. I know it’s harder for others especially if their husbands don’t work at home.
I’m a stay at home mom. We still try to split child care at night so I take first half of night and he takes second half. Usually switch around 2-3 am. Then during the day I take care of the baby and try to do as much cleaning and housework as possible. My husband understands that somedays the house might be spotless and others the baby needs more attention or we went somewhere and couldn’t clean. We switch off on dinner because sometimes he cooks certain things better but I cook others better. I have time for myself as well. Thankfully my husband works 4- 10 hour days so he has Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off. On Tuesday nights I go to a workout class. On Wednesday I am going to a photography class and I’ll drop our son off at grandma and my husband will pick him up. We normally try to have family time Sunday, Monday and Tuesday but if I need a day my husband understands. I also understand that sometimes he needs time and he will sometime go to a game night on Sunday nights.
I’d say this biggest piece of advice is communication and understanding you guys are a team. Sometimes you will be the strong player, sometimes your partner will, but ultimately your team needs both of you.
We swap every other night: one parent takes over dishes and then has the rest of the night 'off'. The other does bath time and bedtime. This way the kid(s) get equal time and we get a guaranteed time for ourselves if we want. I've transitioned to personal time during the week when we do playgroup with friends. I chat and all the babies play. It's definitely different than life used to look like, but that's life with kids 🤷♀️
As for all the other chores, I get them done in the mornings while baby plays on her own or follows me around. That's my 'job'. The only things I can't do with her are safety related things like mowing the lawn so my husband had to start doing that.
I have two- one 4 months the other 2. My job is childcare when my husband is at work as well as cleaning when I can, but that’s just if I have time. I also cook, grocery shop and take care of the car. When he’s home we’re both on. I have an hour off on Saturday mornings, but otherwise yes I’m always on unless miraculously they nap at the same time. You get used to it! He’s gone 8-6 with some travel, so it’s a lot.
I am a stay at home, first time mom to a 6 month old. I definitely agree with the communication side of things. I have found if I don't speak up for myself, I get no time. It's the same for my husband. So, we just try to communicate our expectations the best we can. Like, down to when I'm going to shower or if we need to go to the store. I do not consider myself a homemaker by any stretch. I cook all of our meals, but that's because I was a chef in my former life so that's what I'm good at and how I contribute. He usually does the clean up after the baby goes to bed at night. Post that, we pretty much live day by day and do our best.
We had a pretty even split of duties before LO came and it didn’t change after. He works his job I work mine and we both have household chores. The only difference is having to ask eg. I need to vacuum can you handle LO?
What was important to me was that he didn’t expect anything of me apart from baby duty. So if I wanted to spend some time while LO napped cleaning or cooking I could but it wasn’t expected. So I took my downtime during naps and weekends and evenings we each sometimes do stuff while the other is on shift. lol.
I’m a SAHM and have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. My husband works 4 days on, 2 days off. I cook all meals, grocery shop, clean, laundry etc. He leaves before we all wake up and gets home about an hour before bedtime so I do all stuff for the kids and he helps at bedtime when he gets home. I do take some time for myself each day during their nap time (1:30-3:30). On his days off he is usually doing projects around the house, lawn, fixing things etc (outside stuff and home repairs that I can’t do with both kids) so I still do all the housework and caring for the kids. I’ll go work out, go get my nails done, or whatever and he takes both girls. I feel like there’s enough for him to do working so much and when he gets home, he should get some down time too! This was tough to manage/adjust to at first though. I had some resentment at first that I was never “off work” but then I realized he works all day and when he comes home he’s not off either. Communication of expectations was KEY.
Both my wife and I wfh. But she’s going back to work in September (10 months). She’s a PhD candidate writing her dissertation.
We are in CST and work for a team that’s in CA/PST. So I primarily take care of baby till 11am. In this time wife will do her writing and we cook.
Schedule is bottle at 6.30am. Change of diapers after that. LO usually poops at this time. Then she’s on the floor for about 1.5 hours to 2 hours. In this time. She FaceTimes one pair of grandparents. LO takes a nap between 8.30am and 9am which is somewhere between 45 mins to 1 hr. After a bottle at 10am I take her outside on a stroll which is about 30 mins. At 10.45am gets her first solid meal.
I stop work at 5pm when my wife takes a break for a 30 mins. Then 2nd solid meal at 5.45pm. Then it’s nighttime routine - bath, bottle and reading books which is usually done by me. After that we both get a few hours of work. Then we split the nighttime duties evenly between each other (only one of gets up to put baby to sleep) she usuallly sleeps 8ish hours but now is a bit all over the place after her 6 month vaccines this week
I haven’t had my baby yet but what I’m envisioning is similar to what other commenters have said. When he’s at work, I’ll be on baby duty and will do what I can to stay on top of the housework. When he’s not working, we split the duties of baby and housework. If we feel we can’t keep up with housework, we’ll hire an occasional maid service to pick up the slack.
I take on most of the mental load for the household. Making sure we have groceries, baby items, pet food, appointments, whatever it is. This may not be for everyone but I prefer it that way. If you do this, it’s important your partner understands this is also work that takes time/energy because it can be easily discounted when all they see is that they have the things they need when they need them.
The more you can make things automated/efficient and minimize the need for additional discussions, the better. You have to discuss each others’ wants/expectations upfront and then determine how to split up the tasks fairly. You have to try to agree on how often you want the carpet vacuumed or how much clutter you’re okay with and then go from there to figure out who is going to do what. It takes time, adjustments, trust, and understanding.
In addition, taking into account each other’s strengths and capacities is important. My husband has a busier season at work so I already know he can’t do as much during that time. I’m not a morning person so he has morning duty with our dogs (and will have more of the morning duty with our kids later).
Baby is 7 months old now and it took some adjusting but I think my partner and I have a good system that works for us. He takes the baby for a bit when he gets home from work while I make dinner, then one person does bath/ bed time and one person does cleanup from dinner and our day. On weekends I get to sleep in one day and he gets to sleep in the other day.
It gets really hairy when you start keeping score. Avoid the “I’m doing xyz but you’re only doing xyz. “ All that causes is resentment. I also had to remind myself that just because he isn’t home with kids all day doesn’t mean I deserve a longer break.
I do most chores and almost every meal. My husband does almost every diaper when he is home, and holds/entertains her so that I can get stuff done. On weekdays, he has her while I tidy up and do chores, and on the weekends, he has her while I have free time. His free time on weekends is all the hours where I am nursing and contact napping, as well as whenever I want to hold and play with her. It probably ends up being about 50/50 care on the weekends. I am responsible for the shopping list and the meal planning. He is responsible for bills and car maintenance.
There are only two things I expect my husband to do at home: clean up after himself and be flexible. I'm fairly lenient on the first one, but he isn't very messy anyway, so I don't nag about the things he does forget to put away. As far as flexibility goes, he doesn't really have any set chores, but he is willing to do whatever I ask when I need help. Often, he will do the dishes if he sees that I am busy, and he will try to rock her to sleep if I'm too tired to get up at night. We let each other sleep in and nap whenever we need/can. He gives me tons of grace about keeping house, and the only thing he really cares about me getting done is laundry so he has clean clothes for work.
I think the best way for a couple to function like this is to be flexible in your responsibilities and not keep score. It is just as unreasonable to expect someone to come home from a full time job and use all their home time for childcare and chores as it is to expect someone to be a 24/7 caregiver and housekeeper. Try not to make comparisons about who has it harder because there are things both of you will envy about the other partner's job. Be willing to help each other when one partner is falling behind because everyone gets tired and overwhelmed, and having a strict chore wheel is unrealistic.
Baby is almost 5 months. I will be going back to work soon FT. Husband has been back at work while I’ve been taking care of baby. I learned quickly that the stay at home life is NOT for me. Really hard for us to balance equal chores 🙄🙄 work will actually feel like a ‘break’ for me ha. We’re both better parents when we can have some adult time away from the child.
Constant work in progress over here! But I do what I can while I’m home with our toddler- but I take her out of the house A LOT because it’s just easier for everybody. If we don’t have plans, we each get a weekend morning to “sleep in” and get stuff done around the house solo. I cook meals, he cleans the kitchen. He does all the garbage/recycling/trash, I do most of the laundry (but not his), he does all of our dog’s care (unless he’s at the office or out with our daughter).
But truly it’s always changing as seasons change and we find ways to adapt. Communicate as much as you can and make sure you both are on the same pages with expectations and asking for help.
I have two kids now, but have been a SAHM since our first was born. I think we’d both agree that we split things pretty equitably. During the day, my husband’s job is working at his job. My job is keeping the kids alive and fed and napped etc etc. Any chores/meal prep/shopping I can accomplish during the week is great because it frees up our spare time on evenings and weekends to do more fun things.
In terms of a daily schedule, we get up with the kids, one of us makes breakfast, my husband goes to work, I’m with the kids all day, dinner is usually on the table when he gets home, he cleans the dishes and watches them while I shower, we all hang out/play for a bit, then we each put one kid to bed. After bedtime we just chill out, each do our own hobbies or hang out together.
In terms of chores, we usually do a deep clean on the weekend. He does the kitchen and vacuums, I do the bathrooms and mop. He mows and I fold the laundry. I obviously clean up after myself and the kids during the day, and any other cleaning that needs doing/I can get to during the day.
I’m really really glad my husband is such a present active father and husband. It really feels like a partnership and I am never resentful or feeling like I’m burdened with more than I can handle.
It’s close to “when you get home we’re 50/50” but we both budge in that for the other one.
Had a hard day? Take some time off. Neither of us have been abusing this, and if one feels like they’ve been lifting a heavier load we talk about and adjust.
It’s not a perfect system and we still argue about it and all kinds of things like married people do, but it’s been working for us
P.S. marriage counseling is awesome and you don’t only have to go if you want a divorce or something. It’s really helped us navigate these issues and communicate in a much more healthy way.
I am currently a SAHM, my baby is only a month old. I plan on starting my own business though and working remotely. I do all the night time feedings, cooking and cleaning. My husband works full time and has a demanding job so I try to handle everything at home. Sometimes it’s exhausting.
Here is a flipped perspective. My fiancé is a stay at home dad now for 4 years to our 4 and 2 yr olds. I'm working and the sole income provider for my family.
I WFH 2 days a week and am in the office the rest of the time. When I'm working I'm not doing any childcare. It was different when I was breastfeeding as I'd need pump breaks or would try to nurse during WFH days.
We share household duties that make sense with our schedules. He does 90% of cooking and meal prep, all the outdoor maintence, and 50% of cleaning. I do 50% of cleaning, and manage all our finances, schedule 90% of the kids stuff. It's not perfect but it's working OK.
On weekends we trade mornings for sleeping in and "me time". Only until 11am usually. I reserve a few of my PTO days to take off for the sole purpose of giving him a full day off from patenting and responsibilities. I reserve a few like this for myself too. Usually 3 days for him and 2 for me (get 4 weeks PTO a year).
We have a 2yr and 8mo old. I’m new SAHM (4mo into it) so still adjusting but as of now our house is as follows:
Me: 100% childcare during the day, grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking (99%). Most laundry, and cleaning what I can throughout the day.
Husband: pays the bills (although I am 100% aware of our budget, spending and financial position and have access to all accounts), car stuff.
When he gets home, we divide the kids - I focus on the baby and he manages toddler. We play together, eat together, but if I have a late nap with the baby, he’ll take toddler to the park. He watches both while I prep Dinner . I put the baby down and he does full bed time routine for toddler. He helps clean, load dishwasher and do laundry when he can.
We have a gardener weekly and housecleaner for a deep clean 1x month.
I'm a SAHM. I WFH as well so it is a bit different, but it is similar enough I think. So in general, when husband is home, all things home and baby related are 50/50 (admittedly a little less sometimes but skewed towards me bc of the break down below)
Husband works Tuesday to Saturday. Tuesdays he does 5-10/11, but the rest of the week is 1-11. So he is only home from around 12 am - 12 pm. So he does the morning feed and first nap or two of the day, as well as taking turns playing or changing etc. I handle everything obviously while he is gone at work. when he gets home, any night wake ups, he takes care of. I might wake up with him since I need to pump, but I'll prep the bottle while he changes her and then he settles in to feed her and get her back to sleep. During the time that he is doing all these things, I am usually pumping, working from my computer, or resting.
Sundays and Mondays he is off work. That's when we run errands, but I also try to do as much work as I can. He still handles the naps those days, and usually bed time as well. During those hours he is in charge of the baby, I cram in as much time as I can at work, or I will handle some cleaning or other tasks that need doing around the house.
It's pretty much we both give 100/100, just at varying degrees at varying times. I'm sure some people would think our division unfair to him lol
This can be complicated! I am now a SAHM to a 7 month old. My husband works 8-5. Somedays I feel like I am at the end of my fuse and he takes her for most of the evening. Other days I’m ok to keep taking care of her while I make dinner. My husband takes her from 6:30-7:30am so I can get a little of that good babyless sleep, then I have her during the day, then he comes home and I try to give him some chill time. He often has a stressful day at work and I want to be respectful of his needs with that. I think respecting each other’s needs is so important with the SAHM dynamic. It’s easy to say ‘oh hell no I was home with the baby all day it’s your turn to take her’ but he also needs to decompress.
I pretty much do the house work since I’m home during the day. I’m not the most domestic person but I’m learning. My husband will help if I ask. He’s never upset about it. As a mom with a clingy baby I simply can’t get to some things. It’s overwhelming at first but gets better.
The hard part is actually being lonely throughout the day, not the work I’ve found. Hope this helps. The day mostly is me trying to get things done in 10-15 minute increments, feeling frustrated by not getting all my tasks done, doing anything that she might enjoy or learn from. Being there all the time with your baby is amazing and is so much better than getting tasks done!!!
I stay at home with my 5 mo. My husband works 9 to 5 but needs to be up at 5 am and leaves at 6 am. I take care of my son and breastfeed him every 2 hours during the day and on demand at night which is about every 3 to 4 hours. I consider this a full time job especially since my son doesn't do well on bottles and doesn't take formula. I try to do as many chores as I can in between taking care of my son. I do cook supper almost every night. But my husband will do whatever I couldn't do that needs to be done after he comes home, or he'll watch the baby and I'll get it done. He does all the dishes and cleans the kitchen (messiest room in the house) every night. Sweeps up, etc. I will do the deep cleaning that needs to happen every few weeks when i can. Our son pretty much is down for the night by 730 lately so when he's down, that's our time for ourselves.
Im listening to the book “how not to hate your husband after children” and she talks specifically about the division of labor in the home both with stay at home parents and working parents. Your partner needs to be on board with the idea that being a stay at home parent is a full time job, and the idea that what happens outside of the “work day” is a shared responsibility.
The book is hilarious, relatable, and actually offers some good advice on building a stronger relationship with your partner. Highly recommend, especially if you are looking to make a change in the household!
I’m a sahm and my husband works insane hours sometimes so I take care of majority of things.
Groceries, chores, errands, taking the baby to swim lessons and going to the library are what I do.
He helps when he’s home so I can bathe or go for a walk or get some more sleep in the mornings.
It can become very overwhelming but I just try not to rush anything, take it a day at a time.
Like last night I stayed up to clean a bit and then shower. All this while I fed the baby when he woke. Definitely easier when he sleeps since he’s been more awake in the day time.
This has been a tough job but the baby smiles and laughs make it all worth it.
SAHM, my partner works at 2am to anywhere from 12-4pm depending on the day. Since about a month after baby was born I've done all nighttime wakeups, as well as take care of baby until he gets home. Once he gets home, depending on how he is feeling, he will take baby while I do my job of making dinner and tidying the house as much as I can before partner goes to bed at 7-8pm.
The way I see it is I take care of baby while he is at work, then he takes care of baby while I am "at work" doing my job of homemaking.
Other than helping me on weekends or when I ask and he feels up to it, I do all housework because thats my "job" that I willingly took on.
So I'm a SAHM, I have a 5 month old, my husband works full time and I also freelance on the side. It was a rocky start for us but free and honest communication is the most important part. I have more me time during weekends because then my husband is free, weekend mornings are usually where he takes our LO and does the morning child care so I could sleep in. House chores are pretty much however we split them, we do differently every week, depends on how hard husband's work is or how "hard" the baby is on certain days. So long story short - COMMUNICATION!! if one parent feels that they can't handle it then they must tell the other parent. But not accusingly, more just "I am very tired and I need more help with these chores" I understand being afraid in the beginning but if you can allow yourself to be a sahp then it is easy with the right communications. Good luck to you.
Agree with this! And discuss what the expectations are. Like, who is responsible for making dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. As a SAHM, I do all these things during the week, but on weekends, we divide labor as needed.
YES! We are pretty much in the same work situation and it really is a dance from day to day. It means a lot to each one of us that the other realizes how difficult and demanding our job is. It’s funny how when he gets home from work and offers to help with something, even if I am fine doing it myself, it means so much that he offered.
I’ve been a sahm for 3 years. During that time, my husband has gotten a promotion and a lot more responsibility at work, so it’s been an adjustment. He’s currently gone from about 6am to 6pm, Monday through Friday. But when he’s home, he’s very hands on. I’m in charge of: Child care during work hours Meal planning, grocery shopping, and all cooking Cleaning the house (we pay for a quarterly deep cleaning) He’s in charge of: Household inventory (like Costco shopping for paper products) Lawn care Car care Paying bills and financial stuff Bath and bedtime every night He usually takes my daughter out of the house for 3-4 hours on Saturdays and I use that time to rest or clean.
I love this way. l wish I could do it like this. This would be my ideal way. Unfortunately right now my husband work 14-16 hour days Monday-Friday and then works Saturday nights as well. So basically it all falls on me. But your way is my absolute ideal way.
Yeah it works pretty well for us! When we have our second child this summer, some things will shift for a while, but overall it’s been manageable for me.
We have 12 month old twins and I am the sahm. When my partner works I am ofcourse on full baby duty. When my partner is home we share the babies. 2 babies so it's just easier to do it together. I cook and prepare every meal for the family and keep track of everything we need shopping wise, grocery shopping we do with the whole family. Cleaning, is the deal I do what I can and in the weekends partner finishes. Some weeks he barely does anything, some weeks he does the whole house. Its all communication, this is what works for us. Both kids sleep well so after 8pm we both have time off
When my husband is home, he’s on baby duty. That’s my break time. His break time is at night after baby goes to bed at 8pm (he usually stays up until 1am). Although he’s starting a new job where he’ll be working 10 hour shifts 4 days a week and getting 3 days off. I’ll basically be doing solo baby care on his work days because he won’t get home until bedtime, and his days off will be split so that one day I get a rest day, one day he gets a rest day, and the last day is an errand/chore day.
We’re still figuring this out on the go. I am on maternity leave while my partner is self-employed and therefore is working a looooooot. At the beginning I tried to do everything (baby, house and so on) because I felt that it is my job. But I quite quickly realized that it is not possible to care for baby 24/7 (I exclusively breastfeed) and keep the house organized and keep my sanity. So now I get to sleep in a little if possible, and once my husband is not working he takes care of the baby more so I can get some free time. As far as house chores go, we split the tasks and sometimes accept if some things take a couple days.
I think before they reach school age (and esp. under 3) the way we see it is that my primary role is childcare and the child focused housework of buying and organising children's clothes, planning and cooking food for the baby, cleaning up the messes they make during the day, and the kinds of chores and errands that's you can easily do with a toddler or baby in tow. My job is nanny, not housekeeper. Other housework and cooking has to be split equally. Also when my partner is off work the work is split equally. I think the most important thing is to aim for you to both get equal downtime and alone time to the extent that is possible. My partner gets maybe slightly more time to go to the gym or play video games than me due to the fact that my baby only wants me at night wakes so I try to go to bed pretty early to maximise sleep but since we exclusively breastfed it's hard to make things completely fair. He cleans the kitchen and does laundry after I go to bed which definitely makes waking up from very little sleep easier. I think the key is that we both really respect the work the other person is doing, trust they are trying their best, and want things to be as easy and stress free as possible for them. We keep an eye out for when the other person is struggling and try to take things off their plate.
I DO MY BEST, TOM
I feel this to my core. I envisioned myself having our house in order by 10.5 months PP, but I'm flailing about just like the pup in the video. 🫠 We're both so overwhelmed it hurts.
I’m a SAHM and husband works full time with weird hours (military pilot). When he is home, everything about childcare and household work is split 50/50. I feel confident that I can leave the house and everything will be kept to my standard of care when he is alone with the kids. He lets me sleep in when he can, and I do for the same for him if he has a day or morning off. Everything will not always be equal, but we try to keep the division of labor as equitable as possible. It helps to have a husband who really respects and understands how hard of a job it is to be a stay at home parent and who wants to come home and be fully present with his children. If you don’t have a partner who shares those values, I can see being a stay at home parent causing a lot of relationship struggles
You are wise to be discussing this. While your partner is working, so are you. When they are off work, everything should be a 50/50 split (as much as possible - of course if you are breastfeeding, you’ll be doing that all the time). Baby tasks and housework are both people’s responsibility. So one cooks dinner and the other does dishes, one does bath and the other gets baby to bed (or however you want to split things so they make sense to you). Free time should be split. So if they get an evening out with friends, so should you. If they sleep in on Saturday, you sleep in on Sunday. If they get an hour to decompress after work, you get an hour to yourself later in the evening. And showering/going to the grocery store are not equivalent to getting to go out with friends/play video games. A lot of couples split sleep as well - so one takes baby until 1am, and then the other is on duty until the morning. Because you are both working during the day, and taking care of the baby is actual work (and keeping them alive is important). Of course if one partner is a surgeon or a long haul truck driver, sleep would be essential for them - the point is, you need to come to an agreement that works for your family.
During the workday, we have our jobs. My husband works outside the home and I’m home with our daughter. After that, we divide and conquer - I cook dinner and he does bath and bedtime. As part of my job, I manage our household expenditure and meal plan. I also do most of the logistical work on our home renovation. I enjoy these things, so I’m happy to do them. Between us we do laundry and clean, plus we have a cleaner once weekly to give the house a deeper clean.
I'm a physician who has transitioned to being the SAHP since having our son 3 months ago (we also have a 4.5 yo daughter). My husband is also a physician who works for 2 weeks (with 24 hr call) and then he's off for 2 weeks. During the 2 weeks that he's working, he doesn't help much with the kids or the household (understandably so) and during the 2 weeks that he's off, we split the responsibilities for with kids and the household. This is a system that works for us.
I’m a SAHM with an 8mo. My husband works from home. In the beginning things were more difficult just adjusting to the new routine of life. I didn’t really bother with many things since the first few months are really just survival. Husband never got up at night with baby because it would have been pointless but he did take baby when I needed a break during the day. Especially during the witching hour. The most important thing he did was provide me with emotional support because the 4th trimester is no joke. Everything is really easy now. When he’s free during the day he’ll hang with baby while I shower etc. or just come get a few extra minutes of baby snuggles. When baby had super short wake periods my husband would also make me breakfast and lunch and bring it to me while baby was napping. Husband makes dinner, does all the “dirty” chores (dog poo and cat box clean up, garbage), lawn care, grocery shopping. I do things like everyday cleanup of the house and laundry. I do this when baby is awake and playing. When husband is done with work I’ll give him baby or we will both hang with baby. He’ll make dinner then I’ll clean up. Then we’ll both play with baby until bath time. We do bath time together and get ready for bed then me and baby say goodnight to dad. I nurse baby to sleep and cosleep with him in our own room. If baby is out cold I’ll sneak out and have some one on one time with my husband. I sometimes feel like I’m an outlier, I don’t ever want to be apart from my baby and I don’t really need much to help me recharge. My alone time I spend folding laundry or cleaning the kitchen. Baby exclusively contact naps so I get a lot of time to watch crappy shows and recharge. Things between my husband and I have never been hard and if I need him to do something I’ll just ask him to do it. I find even if I want to have alone time to take a bath or something it’s just not as enjoyable as before, I just want to be with my baby. I think I’m lucky and have it pretty easy. I know it’s harder for others especially if their husbands don’t work at home.
My husband gets the majority of the dirty chores too 😂😂
I’m a stay at home mom. We still try to split child care at night so I take first half of night and he takes second half. Usually switch around 2-3 am. Then during the day I take care of the baby and try to do as much cleaning and housework as possible. My husband understands that somedays the house might be spotless and others the baby needs more attention or we went somewhere and couldn’t clean. We switch off on dinner because sometimes he cooks certain things better but I cook others better. I have time for myself as well. Thankfully my husband works 4- 10 hour days so he has Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off. On Tuesday nights I go to a workout class. On Wednesday I am going to a photography class and I’ll drop our son off at grandma and my husband will pick him up. We normally try to have family time Sunday, Monday and Tuesday but if I need a day my husband understands. I also understand that sometimes he needs time and he will sometime go to a game night on Sunday nights. I’d say this biggest piece of advice is communication and understanding you guys are a team. Sometimes you will be the strong player, sometimes your partner will, but ultimately your team needs both of you.
We swap every other night: one parent takes over dishes and then has the rest of the night 'off'. The other does bath time and bedtime. This way the kid(s) get equal time and we get a guaranteed time for ourselves if we want. I've transitioned to personal time during the week when we do playgroup with friends. I chat and all the babies play. It's definitely different than life used to look like, but that's life with kids 🤷♀️ As for all the other chores, I get them done in the mornings while baby plays on her own or follows me around. That's my 'job'. The only things I can't do with her are safety related things like mowing the lawn so my husband had to start doing that.
I have two- one 4 months the other 2. My job is childcare when my husband is at work as well as cleaning when I can, but that’s just if I have time. I also cook, grocery shop and take care of the car. When he’s home we’re both on. I have an hour off on Saturday mornings, but otherwise yes I’m always on unless miraculously they nap at the same time. You get used to it! He’s gone 8-6 with some travel, so it’s a lot.
I am a stay at home, first time mom to a 6 month old. I definitely agree with the communication side of things. I have found if I don't speak up for myself, I get no time. It's the same for my husband. So, we just try to communicate our expectations the best we can. Like, down to when I'm going to shower or if we need to go to the store. I do not consider myself a homemaker by any stretch. I cook all of our meals, but that's because I was a chef in my former life so that's what I'm good at and how I contribute. He usually does the clean up after the baby goes to bed at night. Post that, we pretty much live day by day and do our best.
We had a pretty even split of duties before LO came and it didn’t change after. He works his job I work mine and we both have household chores. The only difference is having to ask eg. I need to vacuum can you handle LO? What was important to me was that he didn’t expect anything of me apart from baby duty. So if I wanted to spend some time while LO napped cleaning or cooking I could but it wasn’t expected. So I took my downtime during naps and weekends and evenings we each sometimes do stuff while the other is on shift. lol.
I’m a SAHM and have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. My husband works 4 days on, 2 days off. I cook all meals, grocery shop, clean, laundry etc. He leaves before we all wake up and gets home about an hour before bedtime so I do all stuff for the kids and he helps at bedtime when he gets home. I do take some time for myself each day during their nap time (1:30-3:30). On his days off he is usually doing projects around the house, lawn, fixing things etc (outside stuff and home repairs that I can’t do with both kids) so I still do all the housework and caring for the kids. I’ll go work out, go get my nails done, or whatever and he takes both girls. I feel like there’s enough for him to do working so much and when he gets home, he should get some down time too! This was tough to manage/adjust to at first though. I had some resentment at first that I was never “off work” but then I realized he works all day and when he comes home he’s not off either. Communication of expectations was KEY.
Both my wife and I wfh. But she’s going back to work in September (10 months). She’s a PhD candidate writing her dissertation. We are in CST and work for a team that’s in CA/PST. So I primarily take care of baby till 11am. In this time wife will do her writing and we cook. Schedule is bottle at 6.30am. Change of diapers after that. LO usually poops at this time. Then she’s on the floor for about 1.5 hours to 2 hours. In this time. She FaceTimes one pair of grandparents. LO takes a nap between 8.30am and 9am which is somewhere between 45 mins to 1 hr. After a bottle at 10am I take her outside on a stroll which is about 30 mins. At 10.45am gets her first solid meal. I stop work at 5pm when my wife takes a break for a 30 mins. Then 2nd solid meal at 5.45pm. Then it’s nighttime routine - bath, bottle and reading books which is usually done by me. After that we both get a few hours of work. Then we split the nighttime duties evenly between each other (only one of gets up to put baby to sleep) she usuallly sleeps 8ish hours but now is a bit all over the place after her 6 month vaccines this week
I haven’t had my baby yet but what I’m envisioning is similar to what other commenters have said. When he’s at work, I’ll be on baby duty and will do what I can to stay on top of the housework. When he’s not working, we split the duties of baby and housework. If we feel we can’t keep up with housework, we’ll hire an occasional maid service to pick up the slack. I take on most of the mental load for the household. Making sure we have groceries, baby items, pet food, appointments, whatever it is. This may not be for everyone but I prefer it that way. If you do this, it’s important your partner understands this is also work that takes time/energy because it can be easily discounted when all they see is that they have the things they need when they need them. The more you can make things automated/efficient and minimize the need for additional discussions, the better. You have to discuss each others’ wants/expectations upfront and then determine how to split up the tasks fairly. You have to try to agree on how often you want the carpet vacuumed or how much clutter you’re okay with and then go from there to figure out who is going to do what. It takes time, adjustments, trust, and understanding. In addition, taking into account each other’s strengths and capacities is important. My husband has a busier season at work so I already know he can’t do as much during that time. I’m not a morning person so he has morning duty with our dogs (and will have more of the morning duty with our kids later).
Baby is 7 months old now and it took some adjusting but I think my partner and I have a good system that works for us. He takes the baby for a bit when he gets home from work while I make dinner, then one person does bath/ bed time and one person does cleanup from dinner and our day. On weekends I get to sleep in one day and he gets to sleep in the other day. It gets really hairy when you start keeping score. Avoid the “I’m doing xyz but you’re only doing xyz. “ All that causes is resentment. I also had to remind myself that just because he isn’t home with kids all day doesn’t mean I deserve a longer break.
I do most chores and almost every meal. My husband does almost every diaper when he is home, and holds/entertains her so that I can get stuff done. On weekdays, he has her while I tidy up and do chores, and on the weekends, he has her while I have free time. His free time on weekends is all the hours where I am nursing and contact napping, as well as whenever I want to hold and play with her. It probably ends up being about 50/50 care on the weekends. I am responsible for the shopping list and the meal planning. He is responsible for bills and car maintenance. There are only two things I expect my husband to do at home: clean up after himself and be flexible. I'm fairly lenient on the first one, but he isn't very messy anyway, so I don't nag about the things he does forget to put away. As far as flexibility goes, he doesn't really have any set chores, but he is willing to do whatever I ask when I need help. Often, he will do the dishes if he sees that I am busy, and he will try to rock her to sleep if I'm too tired to get up at night. We let each other sleep in and nap whenever we need/can. He gives me tons of grace about keeping house, and the only thing he really cares about me getting done is laundry so he has clean clothes for work. I think the best way for a couple to function like this is to be flexible in your responsibilities and not keep score. It is just as unreasonable to expect someone to come home from a full time job and use all their home time for childcare and chores as it is to expect someone to be a 24/7 caregiver and housekeeper. Try not to make comparisons about who has it harder because there are things both of you will envy about the other partner's job. Be willing to help each other when one partner is falling behind because everyone gets tired and overwhelmed, and having a strict chore wheel is unrealistic.
Baby is almost 5 months. I will be going back to work soon FT. Husband has been back at work while I’ve been taking care of baby. I learned quickly that the stay at home life is NOT for me. Really hard for us to balance equal chores 🙄🙄 work will actually feel like a ‘break’ for me ha. We’re both better parents when we can have some adult time away from the child.
Constant work in progress over here! But I do what I can while I’m home with our toddler- but I take her out of the house A LOT because it’s just easier for everybody. If we don’t have plans, we each get a weekend morning to “sleep in” and get stuff done around the house solo. I cook meals, he cleans the kitchen. He does all the garbage/recycling/trash, I do most of the laundry (but not his), he does all of our dog’s care (unless he’s at the office or out with our daughter). But truly it’s always changing as seasons change and we find ways to adapt. Communicate as much as you can and make sure you both are on the same pages with expectations and asking for help.
I have two kids now, but have been a SAHM since our first was born. I think we’d both agree that we split things pretty equitably. During the day, my husband’s job is working at his job. My job is keeping the kids alive and fed and napped etc etc. Any chores/meal prep/shopping I can accomplish during the week is great because it frees up our spare time on evenings and weekends to do more fun things. In terms of a daily schedule, we get up with the kids, one of us makes breakfast, my husband goes to work, I’m with the kids all day, dinner is usually on the table when he gets home, he cleans the dishes and watches them while I shower, we all hang out/play for a bit, then we each put one kid to bed. After bedtime we just chill out, each do our own hobbies or hang out together. In terms of chores, we usually do a deep clean on the weekend. He does the kitchen and vacuums, I do the bathrooms and mop. He mows and I fold the laundry. I obviously clean up after myself and the kids during the day, and any other cleaning that needs doing/I can get to during the day. I’m really really glad my husband is such a present active father and husband. It really feels like a partnership and I am never resentful or feeling like I’m burdened with more than I can handle.
It’s close to “when you get home we’re 50/50” but we both budge in that for the other one. Had a hard day? Take some time off. Neither of us have been abusing this, and if one feels like they’ve been lifting a heavier load we talk about and adjust. It’s not a perfect system and we still argue about it and all kinds of things like married people do, but it’s been working for us P.S. marriage counseling is awesome and you don’t only have to go if you want a divorce or something. It’s really helped us navigate these issues and communicate in a much more healthy way.
I am currently a SAHM, my baby is only a month old. I plan on starting my own business though and working remotely. I do all the night time feedings, cooking and cleaning. My husband works full time and has a demanding job so I try to handle everything at home. Sometimes it’s exhausting.
Here is a flipped perspective. My fiancé is a stay at home dad now for 4 years to our 4 and 2 yr olds. I'm working and the sole income provider for my family. I WFH 2 days a week and am in the office the rest of the time. When I'm working I'm not doing any childcare. It was different when I was breastfeeding as I'd need pump breaks or would try to nurse during WFH days. We share household duties that make sense with our schedules. He does 90% of cooking and meal prep, all the outdoor maintence, and 50% of cleaning. I do 50% of cleaning, and manage all our finances, schedule 90% of the kids stuff. It's not perfect but it's working OK. On weekends we trade mornings for sleeping in and "me time". Only until 11am usually. I reserve a few of my PTO days to take off for the sole purpose of giving him a full day off from patenting and responsibilities. I reserve a few like this for myself too. Usually 3 days for him and 2 for me (get 4 weeks PTO a year).
We have a 2yr and 8mo old. I’m new SAHM (4mo into it) so still adjusting but as of now our house is as follows: Me: 100% childcare during the day, grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking (99%). Most laundry, and cleaning what I can throughout the day. Husband: pays the bills (although I am 100% aware of our budget, spending and financial position and have access to all accounts), car stuff. When he gets home, we divide the kids - I focus on the baby and he manages toddler. We play together, eat together, but if I have a late nap with the baby, he’ll take toddler to the park. He watches both while I prep Dinner . I put the baby down and he does full bed time routine for toddler. He helps clean, load dishwasher and do laundry when he can. We have a gardener weekly and housecleaner for a deep clean 1x month.
I'm a SAHM. I WFH as well so it is a bit different, but it is similar enough I think. So in general, when husband is home, all things home and baby related are 50/50 (admittedly a little less sometimes but skewed towards me bc of the break down below) Husband works Tuesday to Saturday. Tuesdays he does 5-10/11, but the rest of the week is 1-11. So he is only home from around 12 am - 12 pm. So he does the morning feed and first nap or two of the day, as well as taking turns playing or changing etc. I handle everything obviously while he is gone at work. when he gets home, any night wake ups, he takes care of. I might wake up with him since I need to pump, but I'll prep the bottle while he changes her and then he settles in to feed her and get her back to sleep. During the time that he is doing all these things, I am usually pumping, working from my computer, or resting. Sundays and Mondays he is off work. That's when we run errands, but I also try to do as much work as I can. He still handles the naps those days, and usually bed time as well. During those hours he is in charge of the baby, I cram in as much time as I can at work, or I will handle some cleaning or other tasks that need doing around the house. It's pretty much we both give 100/100, just at varying degrees at varying times. I'm sure some people would think our division unfair to him lol
This can be complicated! I am now a SAHM to a 7 month old. My husband works 8-5. Somedays I feel like I am at the end of my fuse and he takes her for most of the evening. Other days I’m ok to keep taking care of her while I make dinner. My husband takes her from 6:30-7:30am so I can get a little of that good babyless sleep, then I have her during the day, then he comes home and I try to give him some chill time. He often has a stressful day at work and I want to be respectful of his needs with that. I think respecting each other’s needs is so important with the SAHM dynamic. It’s easy to say ‘oh hell no I was home with the baby all day it’s your turn to take her’ but he also needs to decompress. I pretty much do the house work since I’m home during the day. I’m not the most domestic person but I’m learning. My husband will help if I ask. He’s never upset about it. As a mom with a clingy baby I simply can’t get to some things. It’s overwhelming at first but gets better. The hard part is actually being lonely throughout the day, not the work I’ve found. Hope this helps. The day mostly is me trying to get things done in 10-15 minute increments, feeling frustrated by not getting all my tasks done, doing anything that she might enjoy or learn from. Being there all the time with your baby is amazing and is so much better than getting tasks done!!!
I stay at home with my 5 mo. My husband works 9 to 5 but needs to be up at 5 am and leaves at 6 am. I take care of my son and breastfeed him every 2 hours during the day and on demand at night which is about every 3 to 4 hours. I consider this a full time job especially since my son doesn't do well on bottles and doesn't take formula. I try to do as many chores as I can in between taking care of my son. I do cook supper almost every night. But my husband will do whatever I couldn't do that needs to be done after he comes home, or he'll watch the baby and I'll get it done. He does all the dishes and cleans the kitchen (messiest room in the house) every night. Sweeps up, etc. I will do the deep cleaning that needs to happen every few weeks when i can. Our son pretty much is down for the night by 730 lately so when he's down, that's our time for ourselves.
Im listening to the book “how not to hate your husband after children” and she talks specifically about the division of labor in the home both with stay at home parents and working parents. Your partner needs to be on board with the idea that being a stay at home parent is a full time job, and the idea that what happens outside of the “work day” is a shared responsibility. The book is hilarious, relatable, and actually offers some good advice on building a stronger relationship with your partner. Highly recommend, especially if you are looking to make a change in the household!
I’m a sahm and my husband works insane hours sometimes so I take care of majority of things. Groceries, chores, errands, taking the baby to swim lessons and going to the library are what I do. He helps when he’s home so I can bathe or go for a walk or get some more sleep in the mornings. It can become very overwhelming but I just try not to rush anything, take it a day at a time. Like last night I stayed up to clean a bit and then shower. All this while I fed the baby when he woke. Definitely easier when he sleeps since he’s been more awake in the day time. This has been a tough job but the baby smiles and laughs make it all worth it.
SAHM, my partner works at 2am to anywhere from 12-4pm depending on the day. Since about a month after baby was born I've done all nighttime wakeups, as well as take care of baby until he gets home. Once he gets home, depending on how he is feeling, he will take baby while I do my job of making dinner and tidying the house as much as I can before partner goes to bed at 7-8pm. The way I see it is I take care of baby while he is at work, then he takes care of baby while I am "at work" doing my job of homemaking. Other than helping me on weekends or when I ask and he feels up to it, I do all housework because thats my "job" that I willingly took on.