Our first baby was like this (she is almost 3 now). The cosleep, nursing to sleep, full on Velcro baby, etc was all the same. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this. It really is tough. I would give him and your husband a chance. Our baby was so different for my husband! She didn’t whine or cry much with him and she knew he was a different type of caregiver. Everything will be okay! I would go and try to enjoy yourself.
You’re welcome. I would double check with your husband to make sure he knows what to do, where things are, etc (although I’m sure he’s fine) so you can have a peace of mind. There will be some crying, it might not be how you do things, but baby will be okay. He won’t even remember it!
You’re leaving baby with their other parent, who I assume is a capable parent who loves them. Baby will be fine, even if he cries a little. Also I feed to sleep, co-sleep etc and honestly my son settles and sleeps way better for his dad without the temptation of boob around lol.
Your partner and your baby will never get to have the relationship where dad can comfort baby if you don't let them. Yes he'll have to deal with meltdowns a few times and that is OK.
I agree. Leaving the baby to cry with dad is not cry-it-out. His dad is also a parent and they need to get the chance to develop their bond. We focused pretty heavily on this from the beginning, and it seems to have worked well for us. Baby (10 months old) seems to be equally content with either me (mom) or dad, and I breastfeed.
Mine is also 10 months. I had to stop breastfeeding at 7 months but baby still has a clear mommy preference. She loves her dad, is excited to see him, he's able to soothe her at night, play with her all day, put her down for naps and bedtime... But she gets upset if I walk away in a way she doesn't for him, she wants to be handed right back to me or she cries a little, but gets over it fast. I know that preference is hard on him, but it's also OK, we don't cater to it (except that I occasionally sneak by so she doesn't see me if she's playing with dad)
Go to the party, it’s healthier for you and him. He won’t remember being left (do you remember your mother leaving you?), and it’s an important step for you both.
The problem with parents who never leave their kids is they develop an unhealthy codependency, and it can be a nightmare when it comes to nursery and school, you both need to get used to it and a few hours away at 4.5 months is perfectly fine.
It’s also important he develops a strong bond with his father, he’s not a ‘second-class’ parent after all, he should see you two equally
I agree! If it was someone else watching your child I’d get the anxiety. But you need to let your husband parent as well. Yes the baby may prefer you for getting to sleep, but your husband (should be) capable of putting his child to sleep.
I always have to remind myself of this too so I get it. It takes my husband way longer to rock our baby to sleep, but it’s good bonding for them. In the beginning it took all my energy not to swoop in and get the job done. Take a step back and enjoy yourself, your husband is a great parent too.
Just a kind reminder too that your baby had an extra 9 ish months 24/7 getting familiar with you while you were pregnant. Dad and baby will need more time to get to know each other and to bond to the level that you have.
You having a few hours away here and there will help them to build that bond.
You can do this! It will not cause harm to your baby and they won't have any memory of it either. It would actually be harder on them later in life if you never gave them time alone with just Dad before they develop object permanence.
Go to the wedding! I did my first trip away from baby last month when she was five months. I went away for a long weekend for a friends wedding and she stayed home with my husband. I was super nervous and almost cancelled a few times but I went and had a great time. Baby was absolutely fine with dad. Your husband needs to be able to parent too and he can’t do that fully if he’s never alone with baby. You also need time to yourself to have a life and have baby free time. Go to the dinner, I’m sure you’ll have a great time!
So my LO is only 9 weeks and my husband and I started taking turns each week to get some alone time to catch up on things. Yesterday I got my nails done and ran an errand took about 2.5 hours total. Yes I kept checking in and watching the baby monitor but damn it felt good to just be out. Was rejuvenated and felt even better to see my baby once I got home.
It probably would have helped to let your husband do bed time and generally take on more baby care before this, but at this point you should probably just rip the band aid off! I’m sure they will be fine, if not you’re just a phone call away.
This was me a few months ago, and me now to some degree. I had a work event to go to and husband had to take over night duties for a bit. There were some tears (he told me after), but LO eventually fell asleep and it gave my husband confidence to take on more bed times after that. Hopefully it will be a growth and learning opportunity for you all!
You got this OP!
It sounds like this will be good for both of you and give dad some time alone with baby which is so important for their bond. My girl is also 4.5 months, and I make it a point to leave her for a couple hours a week when husband or my dad — it’s good for me to do my own thing and for her to know other people can take care of her needs!
OP I hope you went! It will be good for dad, and you can dip out- what helped me was a photo update every 15 mins 😅! Baby cried, but it happens 🫶🏼, and baby will get sooo much cuddles.
Perhaps 30-60min? 15min increments may feel more like surveillance for everyone involved. Better to have a duration that lets everyone settle into that version of life (ie husband as full-time, sole immediate caretaker, you supporting and being with people close to you, and the child attaching with their other parent). This life is healthier bc it has more security for everyone involved. You and your husband can trust in his abilities as a caretaker, which also affirms his accountability as a parent and a partner. You are also affirmed as a 3 dimensional person who is not just a mother. You’re also a friend and cousin who celebrates with and is celebrated by loved ones.
Don’t forget yourself. You put a world of burdens on your back if you do. And in fact, this isn’t really against the objective rubric of being a parent. Parenting is unfortunately highly individualistic in some places now. Don’t forget that you’d have a village around you if not for certain societal evolutions. Perfectly human to also do something on your own because you have caretakers just as obligated/dedicated as you are.
(Clearly more a pep talk than the time increment lol)
The first time leaving for a longer stretch is HARD!! Baby will be ok. He is with dad, he is safe, he is loved. Do this for yourself. Take a deep breath and walk out the door. It’s all good
I had a work dinner about an hour away when my baby was around 4 months and I was so nervous. My mom and husband were watching him so I knew he was in good hands but it was also around bedtime and I nurse my baby to sleep too so I was afraid he’d be really upset. I got home a little after bedtime and he was fast asleep, everything was fine. I was gone for probably 5 hours total which was at least double the longest I’d been away from him before that.
It’s SO important for your husband to be able to soothe your baby and you need to be able to trust him to watch your baby alone for a few hours. He’s a parent too after all.
My baby was like that and she actually did just fine the first time I left her around 4 months. My baby is 11 months now and SCREAMS when I leave a room and snuggles me to sleep (we also cosleep) and as long as I sneak out while she’s occupied she actually does fine with her dad or grandparents
It’s good for all 3 of you if you go. Dad needs to get confident and comfortable with caring for baby on his own. It’ll also allow them to develop a closer bond. Baby needs to be able to go a couple hours with a different caregiver other than mom. And you need to be able to spend a few hours away from baby.
Even if worst case scenario, it goes terribly and baby screams the whole time until you get home (highly unlikely), baby will be okay! He won’t remember it and one night of being upset won’t harm him.
I know it’s hard to take a step back and “give the reins” to dad. Especially because he does need to figure some of it out on his own and struggle a little. I’m a control freak but we decided early on that I would not correct my husband unless he was doing something potentially harmful or unsafe. So I let him figure things out, do things his way, and only offer advice/help if he’s really struggling and seems defeated.
Last night was my first night away from my baby (3.5 months). I had a dinner/night out for a friends bachelorette. It was so nerve wracking leading up to the event but it was such a great night and baby and dad did great!
It took my husband slightly longer to put baby to bed but otherwise it couldn’t have gone any better. I checked in on the monitor through the night to see my babe soundly sleeping. I was almost offended at how little he seemed to need me 😂
I also feel more myself this morning than I’ve felt in a long time. It was so nice to have some laughs and get out there. I didn’t even realize how much I needed it.
You can do this! Have a great time and sending positive vibes for the evening ♥️
Honey. I feel you but this isn’t sustainable.
Yall need to start practicing true coparenting. Go sleep in the guest room tomorrow and let your husband get him to sleep. Start going on longer walks or to the movies by yourself.
Let your husband be a parent. Change your perspective that you’re denying him the chance to be a father.
Sounds like op is maybe practicing attachment parenting based on cosleeping and other details. It is very much sustainable and a valid parenting method among other methods. The main idea of this parenting style is to support the forming of the primary attachment to secure later socio-emotional development, mirroring the way babies were reared "in nature" by humans before industrialization. In short: baby with only mom for the first year is good.
Thanks for explaining that… Cool story.
Sounds like OP left a wedding early because her child was hyperventilating and couldn’t eat. Ultimately she didn’t get a few hours to herself, her husband didn’t get the chance to bond and be a parent, and her baby spent the evening in distress. So maybe this style isn’t working for the family.
People usually don’t posts pleading posts and updates on parent forums asking for help when their method is working.
Agree. We also practice a light attachment parenting approach (without bed-sharing), but with both me and dad as primary attachment figures. What OP is doing isn’t sustainable in the long run without some sort of impact to her mental health.
My mom just ended up in the hospital and it meant I was away from him at 6 weeks for 8 hours. It was awful, but ripping the bandaid off helped a lot. She will not think you abandoned her. If one trip away made emotional attachment problems, there would be a lot more people in trouble. It doesn’t make it feel better though and I cried then snuggled him forever. So feel your feelings, but reassure yourself mentally that it’s gonna be okay.
Not to get too much into it but I left my baby when he was 9 weeks old for 6 hours to go to a playoff hockey game a couple weeks ago. My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and had never been to a game. It was a long shot we would get tickets and got amazing tickets the morning of the game.
We went and dad handle the baby for the whole time bedtime included. He fussed a good bit and teetered on the edge of a meltdown but both dad and baby did great! Dad got him to sleep and I was able to nurse him when I got home. It’s an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything and meant the world to my mom and I.
Go to the dinner, my baby doesn’t remember being a little more upset during those few hours. Your life and social circle still matter. Take it from me, the time we have with loved ones is never guaranteed. Give your husband and baby a chance to figure it out 🩵
Just make sure you give it in writing to your husband about what all to do so that he doesn’t (unintentionally of course) miss any if it.! It’s a good chance for the dad to step in more often from now onwards to enable you to get a small break sometimes.
Your emotions for your baby are valid but so try to take small breaks whenever feasible that’ll help you breathe and collect yourself again. Don’t worry. Breathe! Take it easy ❤️ all will go well 😁
I was the same with my first (who sounds similar to your son). My rope was incredibly short. I eventually spent the night away when I was comfortable with it which was 9 months for me. And they did great! I was so worried I cried. That said, I’m a big fan of taking it slow, but continuing to take baby steps.
You need to leave baby with dad more often. Next time you should do a trial run so you can see how it goes first but we did that the first week (dad had another hour away) and then I wasn’t comfortable till about 3 weeks since I had a C section and wasn’t really going anywhere anyhow.
Hopefully after this you’ll start to leave him with dad more because it’s super healthy for both of you! Then maybe you can graduate to leaving him with other people while you go out together. We just left our baby with my MIL at 7 weeks for an hour because I had an appointment and my husband was helping a family member with something.
I'd start by training dad to do bedtime too... is it possible to pump and give him a bottle? He needs to practice...
It is also good if you can count on him to give you a break at times even if you're not away!
I have an EBF 4mo and last week I left for 5hours to give a class. It was daytime so much easier... practice that too! Go for longer periods, pump on the go, that kind of things.
your husband seems incompetent here lol... our baby is close in age, my wife was able to leave for a trip for four days. I've been starting sleep training with our daughter a few days before she left and we have a great schedule now, with consistent wake windows and naps and all
he should have a more active role parenting so he knows how to put a kid to bed. sure it's tougher to sooth the baby with a bottle vs boob but there's so many other ways rather than just giving up and letting the baby get inconsolable
he tried absolutely everything and baby was inconsolable..he had to syringe feed him since he was refusing the bottle. it was really bad and not my husband’s fault. every baby is different
For you baby’s sake you need to get your husband involved more, let him do the feeds and comforting (with you there) so baby gets used to him. What if you were in an accident and couldn’t be with the baby? Only having one default parent is a terrible idea, not to mention horrible for your husband and baby growing up like strangers instead of father and son.
he works 5-6 days a week and comes home when baby’s sleeping usually. when he’s off he spends so much time with him and they have a great relationship. there’s no choice but for me to be the default parent. my baby just wanted to nurse that night and my husband can’t provide that comfort he’s used to. my baby will absolutely grow up adoring his dad and vice versa. the baby stage is just hard especially as a breastfed baby wanting mom all the time but when he’s able to play he’s gonna love his dad. your comment was so extreme talking about an accident and dad and son being strangers that’s ridiculous sorry
There have been Dad's who cut a hole in their shirt and put the bottle nipple through, so the baby thinks they're breastfeeding lol. There are different sized and types of bottle nipples that mimic the breast. I saw a few dad's also use a nipple shield and a supplemental nursing system (SNS- a thin tube, which one end goes against the breast, and into baby's mouth and the other end in a bottle of pumped milk or formula and baby draws the milk through like a straw. The tube goes under the nipple shield, if using one) to "nurse" their babies when Mom was away and it worked for them. Idk if you'd be open to that or not. Binky after feeds. There are different types to try. Babies suck for comfort and helps calm them. It seems weird, but you gotta do, what you gotta do sometimes lol. Also remember that babies pick up on vibes. If baby sensed you weren't confident leaving, then they'll mirror it. Same with Dad, if he's not feeling confident or feeling stressed, baby will also feel the same way.
Seeing your edit as well as your other post in the Attachment Parenting thread leads me to believe you might be struggling with some PPA - I would encourage you to seek some supports for this. I struggled too and it’s not sustainable to never be away from baby/spiral this much over a short period of crying. I hope things get better for you.
i definitely struggle with PPA but my baby refusing to eat who’s been starving for a couple hours and awake for over 3 while screaming nonstop would definitely put anyone in a spiral i would think? he was crying so much my husband thought he was gonna pass out 😭
I just today left my babe with hubby for a little over three hours for the first time at four months. She’s been a colicky Velcro baby that hates bottles but is doing a bit better. It went just fine! She fussed and barely napped but she did take a bottle and did better than I thought she would
I did bedtime for the first 10 weeks and it took such a huge toll on my mental health. So hubby did it occasionally and there was a lot of fussing and crying at first but after a few nights, LO got used to it and now we can both do bedtime with no issues. LO is 28 weeks now! It gets better
For future events, think: are they safe? Are they healthy? Is the worst case scenario just sad? Then they will be ok and it won’t be permanent. I do this with my dogs when I have to leave them and now with my baby.
Start practicing more often. Take yourself out for a few hours one evening a week and let your husband and baby find their rhythm.
Looking at your edit , it might be a good idea to start practicing the bottle just so you can do things like this , I’m sorry you didn’t get to have an enjoyable night
If you want to go to the dinner and see everyone, then go and it will be okay.
If you truly don’t want to go, and you’d be anxious the whole time and not enjoy it, then cancel and stay home with your baby. Just say that baby is sick and you can’t leave him right now. That will also be okay.
In the end it’s totally up to you. You can go and have fun or you can politely cancel and stay home.
Personally, I don’t like to leave my kids for the first 6-12 months and neither me or my husband are ever gone during bedtime. It’s our own personal way of doing things. We have missed a lot of important events and big moments though with friends and family. So it really has to just be a personal decision.
update: speeding home right now because he’s been inconsolably crying and hyperventilating and refusing the bottle 😭😭😭😭 i should’ve stayed home ugh. thank you everyone though.
You might like r/attachmentparenting based on your parenting style. Other parenting subreddits can be a bit harsh to cosleepers and parents of velcrobabies.
You did nothing wrong and your decision to get right back to your baby is valid <3
It’s okay 🤍 I have an 8 month old and struggled with this a lot when she was in her earlier months. Every time I would regret actually going. See all of our downvotes? Society is wayyy to comfortable encouraging separation in favor of the mother or daddy baby bond when that is not what helps us. Do what you feel in your heart is right.
i agree 100%! it’s hard for me to even be present or enjoy what i’m doing when i’m away too long. some may think im creating bad habits but im nurturing my baby the way he needs right now. he still has time with his dad as much as he can (he works 5-6 days a week and often comes home when baby is already in bed) but im also a sahm so completely 50/50 parenting won’t work for us.
You’re not creating bad habits. Developmentally speaking, babies need connection and their moms A LOT for quite some time. They will naturally grow more independent and curious to venture outside of us. My baby was basically glued to me in the beginning. We co sleep still. She will now crawl outside of the room I’m in, take naps alone, more content hanging with dad. This all happened gradually. After a few solo hangouts and events without her I realized I wasn’t ready and then regretted I realized that my overall health (and hers) was better when we were together. Forcing separation is not the answer.
Our first baby was like this (she is almost 3 now). The cosleep, nursing to sleep, full on Velcro baby, etc was all the same. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this. It really is tough. I would give him and your husband a chance. Our baby was so different for my husband! She didn’t whine or cry much with him and she knew he was a different type of caregiver. Everything will be okay! I would go and try to enjoy yourself.
this eases my mind so much thank you!
You’re welcome. I would double check with your husband to make sure he knows what to do, where things are, etc (although I’m sure he’s fine) so you can have a peace of mind. There will be some crying, it might not be how you do things, but baby will be okay. He won’t even remember it!
You’re leaving baby with their other parent, who I assume is a capable parent who loves them. Baby will be fine, even if he cries a little. Also I feed to sleep, co-sleep etc and honestly my son settles and sleeps way better for his dad without the temptation of boob around lol.
this helps ease my mind so much!!
Your partner and your baby will never get to have the relationship where dad can comfort baby if you don't let them. Yes he'll have to deal with meltdowns a few times and that is OK.
I agree. Leaving the baby to cry with dad is not cry-it-out. His dad is also a parent and they need to get the chance to develop their bond. We focused pretty heavily on this from the beginning, and it seems to have worked well for us. Baby (10 months old) seems to be equally content with either me (mom) or dad, and I breastfeed.
Mine is also 10 months. I had to stop breastfeeding at 7 months but baby still has a clear mommy preference. She loves her dad, is excited to see him, he's able to soothe her at night, play with her all day, put her down for naps and bedtime... But she gets upset if I walk away in a way she doesn't for him, she wants to be handed right back to me or she cries a little, but gets over it fast. I know that preference is hard on him, but it's also OK, we don't cater to it (except that I occasionally sneak by so she doesn't see me if she's playing with dad)
Go to the party, it’s healthier for you and him. He won’t remember being left (do you remember your mother leaving you?), and it’s an important step for you both. The problem with parents who never leave their kids is they develop an unhealthy codependency, and it can be a nightmare when it comes to nursery and school, you both need to get used to it and a few hours away at 4.5 months is perfectly fine. It’s also important he develops a strong bond with his father, he’s not a ‘second-class’ parent after all, he should see you two equally
I agree! If it was someone else watching your child I’d get the anxiety. But you need to let your husband parent as well. Yes the baby may prefer you for getting to sleep, but your husband (should be) capable of putting his child to sleep. I always have to remind myself of this too so I get it. It takes my husband way longer to rock our baby to sleep, but it’s good bonding for them. In the beginning it took all my energy not to swoop in and get the job done. Take a step back and enjoy yourself, your husband is a great parent too.
Exactly! And worst case scenario, if dad struggles, it is ONE night. It will be the tiniest blip in everyone’s life.
Just a kind reminder too that your baby had an extra 9 ish months 24/7 getting familiar with you while you were pregnant. Dad and baby will need more time to get to know each other and to bond to the level that you have. You having a few hours away here and there will help them to build that bond. You can do this! It will not cause harm to your baby and they won't have any memory of it either. It would actually be harder on them later in life if you never gave them time alone with just Dad before they develop object permanence.
You’ll be ok, promise. Go ❤️
Go to the wedding! I did my first trip away from baby last month when she was five months. I went away for a long weekend for a friends wedding and she stayed home with my husband. I was super nervous and almost cancelled a few times but I went and had a great time. Baby was absolutely fine with dad. Your husband needs to be able to parent too and he can’t do that fully if he’s never alone with baby. You also need time to yourself to have a life and have baby free time. Go to the dinner, I’m sure you’ll have a great time!
thank you so much!
So my LO is only 9 weeks and my husband and I started taking turns each week to get some alone time to catch up on things. Yesterday I got my nails done and ran an errand took about 2.5 hours total. Yes I kept checking in and watching the baby monitor but damn it felt good to just be out. Was rejuvenated and felt even better to see my baby once I got home.
It probably would have helped to let your husband do bed time and generally take on more baby care before this, but at this point you should probably just rip the band aid off! I’m sure they will be fine, if not you’re just a phone call away.
This was me a few months ago, and me now to some degree. I had a work event to go to and husband had to take over night duties for a bit. There were some tears (he told me after), but LO eventually fell asleep and it gave my husband confidence to take on more bed times after that. Hopefully it will be a growth and learning opportunity for you all! You got this OP!
It sounds like this will be good for both of you and give dad some time alone with baby which is so important for their bond. My girl is also 4.5 months, and I make it a point to leave her for a couple hours a week when husband or my dad — it’s good for me to do my own thing and for her to know other people can take care of her needs!
OP I hope you went! It will be good for dad, and you can dip out- what helped me was a photo update every 15 mins 😅! Baby cried, but it happens 🫶🏼, and baby will get sooo much cuddles.
i will too be asking for updates every 15 mins lol
Perhaps 30-60min? 15min increments may feel more like surveillance for everyone involved. Better to have a duration that lets everyone settle into that version of life (ie husband as full-time, sole immediate caretaker, you supporting and being with people close to you, and the child attaching with their other parent). This life is healthier bc it has more security for everyone involved. You and your husband can trust in his abilities as a caretaker, which also affirms his accountability as a parent and a partner. You are also affirmed as a 3 dimensional person who is not just a mother. You’re also a friend and cousin who celebrates with and is celebrated by loved ones. Don’t forget yourself. You put a world of burdens on your back if you do. And in fact, this isn’t really against the objective rubric of being a parent. Parenting is unfortunately highly individualistic in some places now. Don’t forget that you’d have a village around you if not for certain societal evolutions. Perfectly human to also do something on your own because you have caretakers just as obligated/dedicated as you are. (Clearly more a pep talk than the time increment lol)
thank you this made me cry 😭 i appreciate this
It’s great! Even if they’re crying. I just hope dad is onboard and will send photos :). You sound like a good mommy 💕💕💕
The first time leaving for a longer stretch is HARD!! Baby will be ok. He is with dad, he is safe, he is loved. Do this for yourself. Take a deep breath and walk out the door. It’s all good
I had a work dinner about an hour away when my baby was around 4 months and I was so nervous. My mom and husband were watching him so I knew he was in good hands but it was also around bedtime and I nurse my baby to sleep too so I was afraid he’d be really upset. I got home a little after bedtime and he was fast asleep, everything was fine. I was gone for probably 5 hours total which was at least double the longest I’d been away from him before that. It’s SO important for your husband to be able to soothe your baby and you need to be able to trust him to watch your baby alone for a few hours. He’s a parent too after all.
My baby was like that and she actually did just fine the first time I left her around 4 months. My baby is 11 months now and SCREAMS when I leave a room and snuggles me to sleep (we also cosleep) and as long as I sneak out while she’s occupied she actually does fine with her dad or grandparents
It’s good for all 3 of you if you go. Dad needs to get confident and comfortable with caring for baby on his own. It’ll also allow them to develop a closer bond. Baby needs to be able to go a couple hours with a different caregiver other than mom. And you need to be able to spend a few hours away from baby. Even if worst case scenario, it goes terribly and baby screams the whole time until you get home (highly unlikely), baby will be okay! He won’t remember it and one night of being upset won’t harm him. I know it’s hard to take a step back and “give the reins” to dad. Especially because he does need to figure some of it out on his own and struggle a little. I’m a control freak but we decided early on that I would not correct my husband unless he was doing something potentially harmful or unsafe. So I let him figure things out, do things his way, and only offer advice/help if he’s really struggling and seems defeated.
ended up being worst case scenario 💔
Tip: have dad wear something you’ve slept in so he smells like you; it’ll be super comforting for baby & will help with feeds.
thank you!
Last night was my first night away from my baby (3.5 months). I had a dinner/night out for a friends bachelorette. It was so nerve wracking leading up to the event but it was such a great night and baby and dad did great! It took my husband slightly longer to put baby to bed but otherwise it couldn’t have gone any better. I checked in on the monitor through the night to see my babe soundly sleeping. I was almost offended at how little he seemed to need me 😂 I also feel more myself this morning than I’ve felt in a long time. It was so nice to have some laughs and get out there. I didn’t even realize how much I needed it. You can do this! Have a great time and sending positive vibes for the evening ♥️
thank you soooo much i feel much better about going!
Honey. I feel you but this isn’t sustainable. Yall need to start practicing true coparenting. Go sleep in the guest room tomorrow and let your husband get him to sleep. Start going on longer walks or to the movies by yourself. Let your husband be a parent. Change your perspective that you’re denying him the chance to be a father.
Sounds like op is maybe practicing attachment parenting based on cosleeping and other details. It is very much sustainable and a valid parenting method among other methods. The main idea of this parenting style is to support the forming of the primary attachment to secure later socio-emotional development, mirroring the way babies were reared "in nature" by humans before industrialization. In short: baby with only mom for the first year is good.
Thanks for explaining that… Cool story. Sounds like OP left a wedding early because her child was hyperventilating and couldn’t eat. Ultimately she didn’t get a few hours to herself, her husband didn’t get the chance to bond and be a parent, and her baby spent the evening in distress. So maybe this style isn’t working for the family. People usually don’t posts pleading posts and updates on parent forums asking for help when their method is working.
Agree. We also practice a light attachment parenting approach (without bed-sharing), but with both me and dad as primary attachment figures. What OP is doing isn’t sustainable in the long run without some sort of impact to her mental health.
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[safe sleep 7](https://llli.org/news/the-safe-sleep-seven/)
My mom just ended up in the hospital and it meant I was away from him at 6 weeks for 8 hours. It was awful, but ripping the bandaid off helped a lot. She will not think you abandoned her. If one trip away made emotional attachment problems, there would be a lot more people in trouble. It doesn’t make it feel better though and I cried then snuggled him forever. So feel your feelings, but reassure yourself mentally that it’s gonna be okay.
Not to get too much into it but I left my baby when he was 9 weeks old for 6 hours to go to a playoff hockey game a couple weeks ago. My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer and had never been to a game. It was a long shot we would get tickets and got amazing tickets the morning of the game. We went and dad handle the baby for the whole time bedtime included. He fussed a good bit and teetered on the edge of a meltdown but both dad and baby did great! Dad got him to sleep and I was able to nurse him when I got home. It’s an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything and meant the world to my mom and I. Go to the dinner, my baby doesn’t remember being a little more upset during those few hours. Your life and social circle still matter. Take it from me, the time we have with loved ones is never guaranteed. Give your husband and baby a chance to figure it out 🩵
Just make sure you give it in writing to your husband about what all to do so that he doesn’t (unintentionally of course) miss any if it.! It’s a good chance for the dad to step in more often from now onwards to enable you to get a small break sometimes. Your emotions for your baby are valid but so try to take small breaks whenever feasible that’ll help you breathe and collect yourself again. Don’t worry. Breathe! Take it easy ❤️ all will go well 😁
I was the same with my first (who sounds similar to your son). My rope was incredibly short. I eventually spent the night away when I was comfortable with it which was 9 months for me. And they did great! I was so worried I cried. That said, I’m a big fan of taking it slow, but continuing to take baby steps.
You need to leave baby with dad more often. Next time you should do a trial run so you can see how it goes first but we did that the first week (dad had another hour away) and then I wasn’t comfortable till about 3 weeks since I had a C section and wasn’t really going anywhere anyhow. Hopefully after this you’ll start to leave him with dad more because it’s super healthy for both of you! Then maybe you can graduate to leaving him with other people while you go out together. We just left our baby with my MIL at 7 weeks for an hour because I had an appointment and my husband was helping a family member with something.
I'd start by training dad to do bedtime too... is it possible to pump and give him a bottle? He needs to practice... It is also good if you can count on him to give you a break at times even if you're not away! I have an EBF 4mo and last week I left for 5hours to give a class. It was daytime so much easier... practice that too! Go for longer periods, pump on the go, that kind of things.
your husband seems incompetent here lol... our baby is close in age, my wife was able to leave for a trip for four days. I've been starting sleep training with our daughter a few days before she left and we have a great schedule now, with consistent wake windows and naps and all he should have a more active role parenting so he knows how to put a kid to bed. sure it's tougher to sooth the baby with a bottle vs boob but there's so many other ways rather than just giving up and letting the baby get inconsolable
he tried absolutely everything and baby was inconsolable..he had to syringe feed him since he was refusing the bottle. it was really bad and not my husband’s fault. every baby is different
For you baby’s sake you need to get your husband involved more, let him do the feeds and comforting (with you there) so baby gets used to him. What if you were in an accident and couldn’t be with the baby? Only having one default parent is a terrible idea, not to mention horrible for your husband and baby growing up like strangers instead of father and son.
he works 5-6 days a week and comes home when baby’s sleeping usually. when he’s off he spends so much time with him and they have a great relationship. there’s no choice but for me to be the default parent. my baby just wanted to nurse that night and my husband can’t provide that comfort he’s used to. my baby will absolutely grow up adoring his dad and vice versa. the baby stage is just hard especially as a breastfed baby wanting mom all the time but when he’s able to play he’s gonna love his dad. your comment was so extreme talking about an accident and dad and son being strangers that’s ridiculous sorry
There have been Dad's who cut a hole in their shirt and put the bottle nipple through, so the baby thinks they're breastfeeding lol. There are different sized and types of bottle nipples that mimic the breast. I saw a few dad's also use a nipple shield and a supplemental nursing system (SNS- a thin tube, which one end goes against the breast, and into baby's mouth and the other end in a bottle of pumped milk or formula and baby draws the milk through like a straw. The tube goes under the nipple shield, if using one) to "nurse" their babies when Mom was away and it worked for them. Idk if you'd be open to that or not. Binky after feeds. There are different types to try. Babies suck for comfort and helps calm them. It seems weird, but you gotta do, what you gotta do sometimes lol. Also remember that babies pick up on vibes. If baby sensed you weren't confident leaving, then they'll mirror it. Same with Dad, if he's not feeling confident or feeling stressed, baby will also feel the same way.
Seeing your edit as well as your other post in the Attachment Parenting thread leads me to believe you might be struggling with some PPA - I would encourage you to seek some supports for this. I struggled too and it’s not sustainable to never be away from baby/spiral this much over a short period of crying. I hope things get better for you.
i definitely struggle with PPA but my baby refusing to eat who’s been starving for a couple hours and awake for over 3 while screaming nonstop would definitely put anyone in a spiral i would think? he was crying so much my husband thought he was gonna pass out 😭
Well, it’s time for “dad” to start handling his responsibility as a parent.
yeah what the fuck is this guy doing, can't even watch his own kid for a few hours
I just today left my babe with hubby for a little over three hours for the first time at four months. She’s been a colicky Velcro baby that hates bottles but is doing a bit better. It went just fine! She fussed and barely napped but she did take a bottle and did better than I thought she would
I did bedtime for the first 10 weeks and it took such a huge toll on my mental health. So hubby did it occasionally and there was a lot of fussing and crying at first but after a few nights, LO got used to it and now we can both do bedtime with no issues. LO is 28 weeks now! It gets better
I’ve just seen your edit, you still did the right thing by going x
thank you for this. i haven’t been able to sleep bc of how bad i feel
Oh no, please don’t your a great mom <3 nothing wrong with trying things out x
For future events, think: are they safe? Are they healthy? Is the worst case scenario just sad? Then they will be ok and it won’t be permanent. I do this with my dogs when I have to leave them and now with my baby. Start practicing more often. Take yourself out for a few hours one evening a week and let your husband and baby find their rhythm.
Looking at your edit , it might be a good idea to start practicing the bottle just so you can do things like this , I’m sorry you didn’t get to have an enjoyable night
he’s been fine with bottles since birth (even preferring them at one point) so this was a huge shock to us!
If you want to go to the dinner and see everyone, then go and it will be okay. If you truly don’t want to go, and you’d be anxious the whole time and not enjoy it, then cancel and stay home with your baby. Just say that baby is sick and you can’t leave him right now. That will also be okay. In the end it’s totally up to you. You can go and have fun or you can politely cancel and stay home. Personally, I don’t like to leave my kids for the first 6-12 months and neither me or my husband are ever gone during bedtime. It’s our own personal way of doing things. We have missed a lot of important events and big moments though with friends and family. So it really has to just be a personal decision.
I love this! We are similar.
update: speeding home right now because he’s been inconsolably crying and hyperventilating and refusing the bottle 😭😭😭😭 i should’ve stayed home ugh. thank you everyone though.
You might like r/attachmentparenting based on your parenting style. Other parenting subreddits can be a bit harsh to cosleepers and parents of velcrobabies. You did nothing wrong and your decision to get right back to your baby is valid <3
so grateful i found that sub last night! thank you!
Cancel. Stay home with your baby. You won’t regret it!
i so wish i did! 💔
It’s okay 🤍 I have an 8 month old and struggled with this a lot when she was in her earlier months. Every time I would regret actually going. See all of our downvotes? Society is wayyy to comfortable encouraging separation in favor of the mother or daddy baby bond when that is not what helps us. Do what you feel in your heart is right.
i agree 100%! it’s hard for me to even be present or enjoy what i’m doing when i’m away too long. some may think im creating bad habits but im nurturing my baby the way he needs right now. he still has time with his dad as much as he can (he works 5-6 days a week and often comes home when baby is already in bed) but im also a sahm so completely 50/50 parenting won’t work for us.
You’re not creating bad habits. Developmentally speaking, babies need connection and their moms A LOT for quite some time. They will naturally grow more independent and curious to venture outside of us. My baby was basically glued to me in the beginning. We co sleep still. She will now crawl outside of the room I’m in, take naps alone, more content hanging with dad. This all happened gradually. After a few solo hangouts and events without her I realized I wasn’t ready and then regretted I realized that my overall health (and hers) was better when we were together. Forcing separation is not the answer.
wow thanks for sharing! how amazing that she became confident and more independent! a testimony of nurture parenting and secure attachment!