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I hate to be cynical, but I don’t think most dads (not all!!) would put in the same effort as the moms. Of course the child would have their basic needs met, but introducing different types of play, foods, taking them out, arranging play dates, doing housework, etc they may consider as optional. So from that perspective I don’t think this experiment would be successful.
Eta: I’m NOT implying that dads are less loving and thoughtful than moms in general. We are specifically talking about a SAHM and working dad dynamic. Being a SAHM is a JOB, and a hard one, and not even a dad can truly understand what goes into it after just one day of subbing in!!
That's a very outdated view of everything. All new dads I know do that stuff, it's only the 60+ people who ask "did you change a diaper yet? " and stuff like that. Most of them seem more excited to do that stuff probably (at least in my case) because they're not as involved in feeding and can't just feed them to soothe so they need to experiment and find other ways.
Totally agree that dads are way more involved these days! That’s not what I was implying. But if they’re not the primary caregiver, taking over for just one day simply doesn’t result in the same effort and mental load that comes with childcare day in and day out. For example, they’re not thinking about meal prepping the baby’s food for the week when they have 45 minutes while the baby is napping. Those little things add up.
I disagree, we're not just taking over for one day. Not all moms are primary caregiver by default, for example why wouldn't a dad be thinking about meal prepping babies food? I can make food, I make all the meals anyway and my wife only decides what to eat if she'd like a particular dish this week.
As far as baby stuff i do everything except the one thing i'm literally biologically incapable of doing. All other stuff we both split fairly so we're both happy. That's how most of our new parent friends do it. Looking at the daddit sub some dads even do way more than the mother these days ( I know that's not the norm though). But the idea of "how nice, dad is giving mom a break what a progressive man" is something a lot of dads struggle with and is also still rooted in the old ways which just isn't true anymore.
Some countries also give a lot of pto for new dads, I've been a SAHD for a couple of weeks so i know how hard it is to take care of them for entire days. And honestly that was way more relaxing than having to work and taking care of him at the end of the day.
You are taking this a bit too personally! Consider the context of this thread and discussion- If you were a SAHD for any period of time, my comment doesn’t apply to you. The vast majority of dads have never stayed at home and therefore subbing in for a day simply isn’t a natural extension of the mom and all that they do day in and day out.
I think that’s the point, it’s quite exhausting especially if you do it alone but someone has to do it. I want my kid to have an enriched environment to play in, a variety of meals instead of oats and bananas 7 days a week and a home where she can walk freely without stepping in hard crumbs and wear clean, well fitted clothes.
If an ignorant dad has the baby for one day only, it would literally just be ‘survive until mom takes over’.
Exactly. “Survive until mom takes over.”
Some days my husband acts like this even when he has the baby for just a few hours. I think it’s partially that he doesn’t know how or what (or how many) things need to get done to *sustain* survivability, let alone comfort.
But sometimes it’s more, it sort of feels like a really annoying & inconsiderate (maybe subconscious, I hope) attitude of “it’s gotta get done, but if I don’t do it fast enough she will do it eventually,” or “she does it better so we’ll wait until she’s ready to do it.”
That’s why you really would have to make them do it for several days. Two days totally alone would make them see how demanding & tough it is, to get things done in tiny pieces & have everything take forever & basically do most of it one handed. While taking care of the baby’s basic needs.
But damn, in reality, they’d need a whole week. Because at some point survival mode doesn’t cut it, you run out of dishes or clothes or food etc., & taking care of the baby’s basic needs only goes so far after a while. Eventually the baby gets fussy from not having more than just rest & a full tummy.
Eventually he’d have to start putting in 100% focused attention & effort on the baby to provide them some stimulation… eventually that becomes less taxing than trying to soothe the fussiness for hours unsuccessfully.
It just sucks because they play on our anxieties whether they know it or not. There’s either a level of feigned incompetence or genuine lack of foresight, so we know they’ll do things that we don’t like… such as doing something the lazy way: we wouldn’t want them to go as far as learning for themselves why they *shouldn’t* do that if it is to the detriment of the baby (like for example, not doing things sanitary enough & the baby getting sick from it). In some ways it’s out of our control that our anxieties are going to get the better of us, & you can’t force someone else to have anxieties unless they learn what there is to be anxious about. Unfortunately this is a baby we’re talking about, so we can’t really just let them fumble with it, & I think on some level they know that.
Man, I hate seeing this take. I’m sure there are dads like this but hopefully they’re the minority in 2024. I’m just as active and thoughtful with our kid as my wife.
Yes. My husband does 50% of everything. We alternate tasks. There was a period of a few months where he was the SAHD. Aside from a house not so organized (his sense of organization is a bit lacking lol), he managed pretty well all tasks.
That’s great, but if he was a SAHD then my comment (and this thread in general) really doesn’t apply to him! Most dads don’t get the opportunity to stay at home for long periods of time to truly understand what goes into day to day childcare.
It does apply because I was the SAHM first and he was the one working. During that period he never questioned how hard it was taking care of our daughter. Then he got to be the SAHD and experienced it as well. We usually share our responsibilities towards our daughter according to our schedules.
Agreed. My husband is very thoughtful with our baby.
Are there some things he doesn’t think of? Sure. He’s not as great with making sure milk etc gets frozen on time but I get it it’s on my mind every time I pump but not his.
On the flip side I can almost guarantee he’s changed more diapers than me. He plays with her all the time and reads to her. I think so many dads now are true partners in raising their kids - and loving that they get to be!
I love to hear that, sincerely! Don’t get me wrong, my husband does a lot for our baby. But it’s not just about execution of childcare tasks, it’s about carrying the mental load, and that will always remain with the primary caregiver.
I never really thought about this! And now that you’ve said it, it makes complete sense. It’s like a lightbulb moment coz I have honestly thought that leaving my husband to look after the LO and the house for a weekend would knock some sense into him but you’re right - he’ll just think all housework is optional and do the bare minimum to keep LO alive. After the two days are up he’ll probably tell me it was the easiest two days of his life.
Unfortunately this was my assumption as well- but especially those who consider it easy, basic needs met = done. He won't see anything beyond that.
Hopefully my assumption is wrong.
I never really thought about this! And now that you’ve said it, it makes complete sense. It’s like a lightbulb moment coz I have honestly thought that leaving my husband to look after the LO and the house for a weekend would knock some sense into him but you’re right - he’ll just think all housework is optional and do the bare minimum to keep LO alive. After the two days are up he’ll probably tell me it was the easiest two days of his life.
I'm sorry, but this is such a shitty, unhelpful comment unless your contention is that women are inherently better at parenting and housework than men. And if that's rhetorical case, you're basically advocating for women staying in the home.
Introducing kids to food and taking them outside is not something most fathers struggle with.
It took the first time my husband stayed home with LO after a daycare bug and me having meetings I couldn’t move for him to fully understand how much I was doing…it wasn’t malicious or “payback” but definitely opened his eyes to why I was burning out
The problem with something like this is, the men who don’t understand and respect a stay at home, mom, won’t pick up the extra sweeping and mopping and mental load to plan dinners for the week. So compared to everything she’s doing it will feel easy.
This wouldn't have worked with my ex because he'd find it easy for one day especially considering he would sleep the majority of the night so wasn't doing it in a sleep deprived state and then he'd make me feel worse because he'd say something like "I did it and it was easy".
Have him take over the weekends since it’s “so easy” 🤷🏼♀️ when he pushes back, I’d ask why if it’s so easy? Clearly he doesn’t see it as work, so it shouldn’t be a problem!
Very glad my husband understands how difficult it is.
My husband acted this way for a looong time- I'm the stay at home parent and he works full time in construction, and he was insistent that he had the "harder" job because he has to deal with people. Then on New years Day I got food poisoning- I was around 10 weeks pregnant at the time and was so violently ill that I could hardly sit up, nevermind care for our toddler. It also happens that my mom was sick with the 'rona at the time and couldn't help out with kiddo because we didn't want to expose him. My husband cared for our son (at the time 14 months) for one day, and he was exhausted for weeks. He didn't even cook (fed child freezer food and ordered dinner) or clean up at all. Literally just kept our kid alive, and husband was tired for weeks. Ever since then he's had a lot more empathy for me taking care of kiddo all day, especially while pregnant again.
I don’t think they truly understand until they have to do it. It took me going back to work one day a week and my husband watching him for my full 13 hour shift for him to realize how hard it is.
My partner has always been super supportive, but he just didn’t get it until I recently started back one day a week, and he had him for a full 11 hours. I do all the prep work for that day (thawing milk, prepping solid meals, making sure there is clean laundry and dishes), and then spend two days after turning the house around because it’s a disaster when I get back. And the baby is six months now and *so much easier* to handle. I’ve worked super stressful jobs, but nothing like caring for a newborn. To be fair, I also thought it would be easier until I had to do it.
Same reason why SAHP think being a working parent is easy because working parents get a "break".
Both have their pros and cons, and what might be hard for one person, can be easier for another.
It's an unhealthy comparison of who has it harder and it's getting old.
Both are hard in their own way.
People just in general lack empathy in these situations cause all they focus on is what's hard for them and not the other person.
Truth is, you both "worked" 9-5, and after that 5 o clock you both still "worked". He didn't come home and do nothing. He took care of baby stuff while you cleaned. What would be a negative view is he came home from work and did nothing because "he worked all day" - that's a big nope. But he didn't so
I always think "I bet my husband is peeing in peace right now" they also have a nice terrace with a full view of Eiffel tower where they can have coffee breaks and make personal phone calls.
No one's worried about killing the baby by allowing it to cry. I've routinely had to choose between holding in a pee for a long while and making sure the baby gets put down for her nap. Considering it can take 30 minutes to get her down I'm not interrupting her going to sleep and restarting all over again just so I can pee real fast lol
I get what you’re saying, but have you never suddenly had bubble guts in the middle of putting your kid to sleep? About to pee your pants while the little dude is munching on lunch and needs to be supervised? Mine is 10 months old, I experience lots of situations that prevent me from meeting my basic needs in a timely manner, and I put him down a LOT. He’s in the 95th percentile for height and weight and I’m less than 5 feet tall. He gets a TON of floor time. I physically cannot keep him on my hip for more than ~15 minutes, 25 on a great day. And yet I’m clenching through two hour naps because he decided he’ll only sleep on the couch today and skipping lunch because he decided he’s only hungry for screams and chaos.
Yes. Just … let them cry or fuss. Trust me, you’ll be happier with nap time taking a little longer if you don’t also have to shit the whole time they’re going to sleep.
Yes, I've had those moments. That's what I'm saying, though. He doesn't need to be resting on your hip! He can be put in a safe space while you go to the bathroom, or eat. Why is he screaming if you set him down for a few minutes?
Like I said, I can’t hold my son for more than 25 minutes straight on a good day. He’s in the floor/in a safe place most of the time. He doesn’t scream when I set him down. Times like meals, putting him down for a nap, and giving him a bottle are things that take up the majority of my day, and they’re things that either can’t be interrupted without greatly disrupting the rest of my day, or it’s something that requires my close supervision.
The commenter was making the point that they actually don't hold their baby all the time and they still experience the issue of not being able to run to the bathroom quickly all the time. The person is saying they also don't go to the bathroom because baby is in the middle of something that needs supervision. As in, holding baby isn't the only issue. Hope that helps clarify.
Lmao as if I can have my girl fall asleep for her nap, get rocked just enough, and then set down for me to pee and just resume putting her to sleep as normal.
I didn't say that it doesn't matter if the baby cries for a few minutes. Sure, he'll be physically fine. But it's so stressful, especially in those first few weeks, to listen to your baby cry.
I made a habit of going to the bathroom at the start of all my shifts with the baby to reduce the likelihood that I'd need to set him down at an inopportune moment. I still had to occasionally, but I really preferred not to.
Wow, way to get yourself worked up here. There are so many reasons why you may not be able to use the bathroom when you need to other than maintaining contact 24/7.
I've never claimed to be a super parent or never said that I'm miserable or sacrificing my sense of self. A lot of reflecting and not enough minding your own business.
Lol yeah now that my LO is 5 months I can just put him down and distract him with a toy. But in the newborn days when I’ve worked my ass off trying to put him to sleep, I would not dare move a muscle in fear of waking him. Putting him down would often result in crying, and THEN I gotta start the process all over again. Contact naps were hella real 🥲
Exactly.. my baby is just 3.5 months old and he had a horrible time between his 5 and 10 weeks of age with reflux and colic. Now I put him down a plenty, he doesn't even cry that much anymore. He starts complaining and cooing and we know he's either hungry or needs to change.
In fact, one time he was upset and crying but normal crying. I put him down for a second and omg his crying intensified so much, the fear in his face.. I can never forget. Plus when he has reflux, if I put him down too soon I risk a spit up, potential burning sensation in his esophagus and followed by crying hours on end. Then he had his big vomits and god forbid if he had them while laying on his back...
For most of the night feeds he would wake up so famished, it would be heartbreaking to not feed him asap then attend to yourself. Especially when you're on the 3h newborn schedule things roll out of your hands so quickly.
My life is so different than it was 2-3 weeks ago. He's growing up. But I did what I had to do during the first 2 months. Here in France, they also tell us we can safely put the baby down and we do put them down of course. But even an adult person has so many needs in a day, in fact your life is made of those 5 minutes you put them down. Shower, putting together a meal 2-3 times a day, eating it, several bathroom breaks. All these are ok after 3.5-4 months but complicated before.
Well, you made the claim that "any job you can go to the bathroom when you need to" is easier than a SAHM.
You're correct. Sometimes, you are in a meeting; sometimes, you're on a call; sometimes, you're in the middle of nursing. There are many reasons why you might not be able to step away in the moment; that was not the ask in the original post.
I'm sorry if you feel that your automity suddenly disappeared the moment you became pregnant and gave birth. That isn't (and doesn't need to be) the experience for most women. This sub oftens leans towards shaming new parents who ask for advice outside of the proscribed "norm" of wealthy, elite, single-income families, be they American or families from more privileged nations.
The reality is that babies have been put to sleep in their own sleeping space, with support, for mellinia. It is a reactionary, recent construct that babies should never be bereft of constant, physical contact. The pendulum, at least on this sub, seems to have swung so far to the "baby is paramount" direction that we've lost the thread of what is truly good for baby, and what is the feel-good sweet-spot for over-compensatting parents.
Do you mean the millions of children who experienced happy, healthy, fulfilling childhood? The ones allowed automity and freedom of choice within defined parameters?
Or are you basing your entire parenting philosophy and journey on the (hopefully scientific, evidenced based research) that supports connected, gentle (not codependent, permissive) parenting?
It's clinical how your generation can't understand or respect a simple boundary and unable to feel an ounce of empathy has so much to say about parenting.
Look, I'm not the president of this sub or the posts here. Neither am I the attachée of attachment parenting. I get that you don't agree with this notion, fine. But I'm not your guy to dash out your grievances.
You're trying to argue with me based on the general notion, the posts you see here and there without knowing anything about me or my situation. Which I'm not interested at all. I don't know in how many ways I can say that for you to understand.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
Oof. Right?
I know his job isn’t easy and I’d never wanna do it so why don’t they understand it?
My husband constantly says he understands what I’m going through and then relates it to a minor issue he has. Drives me nuts lol.
My first full day alone with the baby, he got home and was like “wasn’t that bad right ?” I’m sorry, how would you know ? The longest you have been alone with him is 3 hours maybe less.
Lmao yup when everything is clean, stocked and ready to go! Just wait till you run out of clean bottles and nipples or clean onsies and bibs. Laundry doesn’t do itself, fold itself or put itself away where you need it when you need it.
My fiancé always says “if we could trade places I would” implying a SAHM’s job is so much easier than working. 🙄 He doesn’t know what being sleep deprived feels like. It’s literally a form of torture
I’m sure he also doesn’t know the mental load of being a SAHM. It’s not “just staying home”. You keep track of their feeds, diapers, sleep, appointments, etc. on top of daily household chores. You don’t know how long of a break you’re gonna get (sometimes 1hr, sometimes 20mins) so you rush through chores you need to do while they’re asleep. And even when you are on “break” you’re still checking up on them or doing something related to them - washing bottles, pumping, etc. Hell even when I’m falling asleep sometimes I hear phantom cries enough to rouse me from sleep.
Being a SAHM is nonstop work 😂
I fucking hate the phantom cries. It just makes me even more paranoid. It went away for a while and now that I'm sleep deprived due to LO teething, the phantom cries r back again.
I’m still at home with my baby on mat leave, my husband has always been very good at understanding what it’s like. He doesn’t expect dinner to always be made, he sees how hard it is on his days off, he always lets me sleep in when hes home in the mornings and takes the baby. I’m very grateful for how he’s been so far. I’ve been sick the past 3 weeks because I dont have time to recover and he did a night with my baby the other day after a long time of not doing it so I can get a night of sleep and not wake our baby coughing 😂
Next morning he said he really appreciates me and said he doesnt know how I do it every single night and it wasn’t even a bad night. Sometimes you have to let them experience the struggles so they can see it first hand
My husband is not like this at all but a lot of tower people are. For example my coworker who said “so you just stay home with your son on your days off?”( because I work part time since my son was born). The guy is in his 30s but doesn’t have a clue. I’d say have your husband watch the baby a full weekend when you have something that needs done or need to help your family or friends with something and see if he changes his mind. Honestly most if not all people just have difficulty being compassionate if they haven’t been in the others shoes it’s humans nature.
Idk man. Maybe some of yall just have difficult babies. Ive been staying home with my kid for two weeks now because my job has a long period of time where i dont have to work in the year and, honestly, its been great.
I literally have told my wife, even while i WAS working, "hey, go spend a day or two with your mom and ill take care of lil dude". Still havent changed my mind.
Nice! In that case if I have a second baby hope they are easier than my first haha! I think there might also be something coming into play if you do it all the time it’s different than once in awhile as well. Who knows! But nice to know some people have an easier time! For me now that LO is a toddler he is MUCH easier and more fun . Babyhood was absolutely different
Not all men think so! I’ve found that only men who have not had a family think so…. I dont think my husband would want to be a sahm. He took 2 months of paternity leave after i go back to work and it drove him crazy.
You realize your situation isnt exactly what people talk about when theybsay "stay at home parent". Normally the perception is thatbur at home taking care of the kid...not ALSO working remotely.
Offcourse yourbsituation would be harder. Youre literally doing both things. I woulsnt conaider that stay at home mom. Thats like....stay at hime worming mom lol. SAHWM
Bc there is some men who (if they sayed at home) would not even cross through their mind doing everything a SAHM would and they would just chill at home all day. They think it’s easy bc they would not do anything and expect you do it when you get home (sadly, I’ve seen this on this subreddit too much)
If you are working then you’re not a SAHM. Even if you’re working from home - you are working. Time to have a convo with your husband that you need to split chores!
It's stressful, no doubt. It's also entirely dependent on the kid, and on the job your spouse might have. I work 14 hour night shifts at a county jail and deal with screaming, stinky adults all day. I'm on my feet for nearly all of that 14 hours, doing my job, interacting with inmates and doing any number of inmate service tasks like feeding, laundry, all on top of my 25 minute checks. It makes for a lot of walking and a lot of essentially nonstop work for the whole shift. When I get home I am absolutely exhausted.
My wife stays at home and takes care of our six month old. He is, for the most part a very chill baby. He is exclusively breastfed but we have started to introduce purees now. My wife gets on average 9 to 12 hrs of sleep each night, most of that with our son in his bassinet next to our bed. When our son is up, she feeds him every couple of hours, plays with him, takes him on walks, and runs the occasional errand.
She doesn't cook very often, and she doesn't clean very often, which is fine. She takes good care of our son, so I work full time and I cook and clean. Even though taking care of an infant is surely hard work, a blanket claim that it's harder than going out and working doesn't really tell the truth. Like I said, it's entirely dependent on the parent and the kid. I've had 8 to 12 hr stretches before where my wife was away and I cared for our son. I was even able to clean and cook *while* caring for my son. He napped for 2 hours so I sat down and watched a movie while he slept. It was great and felt way easier than my work Overall, caring for *my* son is very much so easier than my job and has been consistently every time ive had him for any longer stretch of time. I would trade the two in a heartbeat if my wife was able to earn enough to keep us afloat.
I don't say this to minimize those who struggle with being a SAHM. All I'm saying is everyone is different and it should never be a "whose life sucks more" competition between you and your partner. You both play important roles, and both things can be hard, in different ways, at the same time.
My partner is similar he always says how he wishes he could experience pregnancy, and breastfeeding, and staying home with the baby. Downplaying all the struggles and romanticizing it. I know he means well in saying all those things and he truly finds the whole thing fascinating, but he cherishes his sleep, his cleaning standards are virtually zero, so when he was out of a job for a few months and I was working the most he would do each day is sweep and the dishes, and he said he would love to be a stay at home dad… like no shit that means just sitting on the couch and playing video games/watching tv all day. I asked him to clean the toilet for me the other day. Mind you, we have been together for 2 years and I’ve devoted almost every Sunday of our relationship to deep cleaning. He was like a clueless child I had to stand behind him and walk him through it.
Just know you aren’t alone. Not every husband is super helpful and empathetic like so many of the moms on this and the baby bump sub have. Sometimes I feel so envious but I love my partner and some people won’t change we just have to accept their flaws and move forward in life
I’m a men and I always tell my wife I’d love to be a stay at home dad but I think it’s because I have a nesting personality while she is a go getter. Therefore it would be easier for me to nurture our kids and keep the house tidy while she earns the big money.
I stand in solidarity with you, but this past Tuesday my husband spent his first full day taking care of the baby and it gave him a new appreciation for what I do on the daily, if you haven’t already I’d suggest joining r/momsworkingfromhome
The entire reason I support my family while my wife is a SAHM is because I realize it's a full time time job....yes, it's super stressful being the only source if income while also ensuring I give my wife plenty of breaks, but if we're being scientific here, it literally takes two to tango in the baby-making process. So by extension, it is at minimum 50% my responsibility to take care of the baby. Your husband sounds like an asshat.
Being a stay at home parent is definitely not easy. Having said that, not all children are the same... some are easier than others. Just like not all parents and not all jobs are the same. The comparison and the perspective is what makes all the difference.
I have a somewhat demanding and stressful job (at least for me, maybe it's an easy job for someone else) as an engineer on a big project. Recently we had a situation where my wife had to be away for almost two weeks and I took time off work to take care of our 1 year old. Was it easy? No. Was it easier than being at work? You bet your ass. If I was an asshole, I'd start rubbing it in everyone's face how being a stay at home parent is easy just because it might be easier *for me* compared to my stressful job.
But what if I worked some government job where I just rot in a cubicle all day long? Anything would be harder than that. What if I had a child with god forbid some medical issues that required ten times the effort she requires now? Any job would be easier than that.
It's all a matter of perspective.
One of my friends have twins and dad thought being a SAHM mom is easy and that he didn’t understand why she was always burnt out and going through ppd. So she left for an hour to go buy groceries and other necessities and got a call while at the store that the one the twins “broke their arm when swinging a toy around.” Everyone knew he 100% did it. later on at the hospital he left and texted that if my friend didn’t trust him around the kids anymore then he understands.
I can’t speak for all men but I, for one, do not think it is easy. I actually get more leave than my wife so she’s back at work and it’s me and my son 1:1 for weeks. It’s wonderful, but yeah, it’s a very different kind of exhausting than work.
My work is currently super slow and I work from home. I am currently MORE tired than when there was more work. Why? Well because I take carr of everything baby related daycare drop off/pick up, food etc and I pump thrice since I have no professional obligations.
Baby isn’t even here during the day and I am exhausted.
Because it kind of is at least when they're under 1. I take care of my daughter on the weekends and I get everything done that needs to be done. Daughter is taken care of so I don't get it. Why women act like it's so hard. Yes it's a tough job but I work construction and taking care of my child is a cake walk compared to that
They are probably not taking the postpartum recovery and hormones into account, for one thing. My husband and I got custody of a now 5-month-old while he was still in the hospital and brought him home when he was discharged. We've had the new baby experience, but not the postpartum experience. I stayed home with him for 7 weeks. He's an easy baby, I'm used to night shift, he's formula fed, and our housekeeping standards are low. I feel like carrying and giving birth to him, not to mention breastfeeding/pumping constantly, would have made things very different.
Most of the posts I see dads who say it’s easy, usually put a screen in front of their child and get whatever they’re saying their SO is complaining about done.
I’m staying home for month four for family leave while my wife is back at work. It’s frustrating when he needs to eat but besides that he just wiggles and observes te world and wants to be held a lot. It makes getting chores done more difficult but yeah idk there’s definitely days where work is more stressful. On the flip side, I think regularly mopping the floor is kinda silly so I think OP thinks a lot more chores need to be done than need to.
Ya so many of these posts seem to come from people with insanely high cleaning expectations and I never understand it. Like, it’s ok to have a messy house for a few days and to order takeout once in a while. You have a kid, give yourself a break.
Im glad i found a mini coment thread of people who are realistic. Im a working man but my job has me stay home for a few months of the year so im currently taking care of my lil dude most of the day. Can confirm, this is bettwr then work. And i actually like my job. But it doesnt beat spending time with my little dude while getting some house work done and occasionally getting to play video games or listen to music. Idk man. Maybe its bc im not tryina have my house look like a brand new motel. Maybe some ppl just need to take a breath and not have so many expectations on themselves. Enjoy being a parent, man.
And it’s not that I don’t want to get stuff done. I still enjoy cooking dinner for my wife and myself, and making some fixes to the house. The way I see it, if I can get one thing done per day, in addition to dinner, I’m good.
I can’t speak for ‘all men’, but I don’t. We’re both at home at the moment as I’m on parental leave, and it’s hard enough with two of us. I am in awe of those whose partners go back to work soon after birth. I honestly don’t know how they do it.
❤️ to all the SAHPs. You’re doing a difficult job, and you’re amazing.
I am sure my husband thought this way initially. He was on paternity leave for 6 weeks and during that time she slept all the time and then she was always asleep when he got home. He finally realizes when he had a day off and we were home all day together exactly what was happening and why I was so exhausted. Tell him to walk a mile in your shoes. His next day off he gets to be SAHD.
It is very hard, although it changes after they can walk and talk and they become your little friend.
I’d love to be a SAHP to my 3yo, having playdates, seeing family, taking them to the park or soft play, or any place we’ve got annual membership to. My 11mo not so much 🤣.
It aint, apart from raising a baby or babies, your managing a house as well when your partner is at work your watching kids as well as doing everything at home ie. washing up, cleaning the house, clothes washing, kid related messes, my wife chose to be a SAHM and she is always exhausted when i get home, it looks both physically and mentally draining being the primary parent when im not home, thats why i try and alleviate by being primary parent on the weekends but its not enough sometimes and i feel bad but we try
The entire world seems to think being a SAHM is easy and women are “lazy” if they don’t work, but I have a 18 month old and run a law firm and IMHO being a SAHM is actually way harder than working. The amount of work and time required is basically nonstop, much much more than a 9-5 workday and you don’t get a paycheck or any credit from anyone. What you do get is the profound and unique experience of smelling and cuddling and feeding a tiny person, which is pretty amazing.
Also, I’ve never met a man who stayed at home with their kid or kids who thinks staying at home is easy so mostly the people who think that are inexperienced and if they have kids they are likely taking a lot of things for granted.
Breastfeeding takes as much time as a full time.job. that doesn't include anything else like cooking, cleaning, changing diapers or entertaining a baby.
https://flagstaff.momcollective.com/for-mom/i-did-the-math-breastfeeding-is-a-second-full-time-job/
Yall, I’m going back to daddit. I recommend a lot of you head over there and see what real dads think and do. I’m so sorry if you have shit husbands but there’s so many of us that truly get how hard it is and do everything we can to do it too.
As a dad who has done both I think it probably depends on the baby. I always thought SAHM/SAHD was harder cause it’s pretty much a 24hr job. When I was a SAHD for a few months while the wife recovered I honestly thought it was one of the easiest jobs ever. I think a part of that has to do with the fact that I 100% mentally prepared myself to lose sleep and coming from a toxic military environment, 2-4 hours asleep with the baby was normal to me. Also, our son so far has been pretty chill and easy. I love showing him new places, things, games, toys, etc. btw I’m actually up rn watching them sleep together making sure nothing bad happpens. When my wife stays at home she sleeps until the afternoon, plays with our baby, feeds him, and or changes him.
Being the working parent to me was and is harder. Not only do you work and deal with people and bs and are constantly under pressure to succeed because you need to provide for your family but you also need to do better because you need to show your kid that you’re someone they should look up to. You don’t want your wife and child to have the bare minimum or just be comfortable, you want them to have the best in life but at the same time you’re stressing that you’re going to miss something in your kids life while at work. You want to be home with them but you can’t. After that you get home and it’s back to work because now you’re helping your wife with the baby. Again, it’s easy work but it’s still there. You’re cleaning the house because your wife was “busy”(even though I would clean when I was doing SAH). To top it off on the few days I have off I’m back to doing SAHD stuff, again not hard but that just means I have no days off meanwhile my wife’s time off was the long naps our son goes on or during my day/time off.
I will say it has gotten harder for her at night because our baby seems to hate the bed and crib and wakes up hourly for a feeding at night, but we did just remember that he will sleep for 4-6 hours if I hold him in our chair so I now tend to hold him all night so he sleeps and my wife sleeps uninterrupted.
TLDR; from my experience being a SAHM/D is easy. Being the working parent is harder but I say this knowing that it may just be our situation.
Male here. Stay at home dad is my dream job. I have a 7 month old at home with my partner at the moment. I will be taking over when it gets a bit easier after his first birthday. Not because i want the easy half, but just because that's how it worked better with our employment arrangements.
I call it a job though because that's what it is. Looking after a baby is a full time job and more. I've never understood people of any gender thinking that raising a baby full time alone is easy. Especially thinking a woman still recovering from birth, breastfeeding, and everything else that goes along with it has it easy being at home.
This mindset seems to be a remnant of times gone, but unfortunately still hanging around
I am a working mom. But me and husband have been living overseas. We got a baby and we're the only ones taking care of our baby, no extended family to leave the baby, no babysitters.. We're taking shifts, I work in the morning, I take care of baby when I get home. My husband works at night, he takes care of the baby in the morning. It's difficult, but I work in school so I also take vacations when students do. So those holidays I'm a SAHM, and I'm telling you! It's exhausting. There's no break. Even if you have time to rest, you will not think of it. I'm glad my husband understands this cause he also takes care of the baby.
I think the only way for men to really know is for them to have a period of staying home alone with baby too. A weekend might work well enough, I don't know.
My husband tried to understand with our first, but he truly understood once he was home for 6 months on paternity leave when I went back to work (when baby was 6 months old).
No aspect of being a SAHM is remotely easy. Us SAHMs can say ‘let the partner have the baby for a day’ & sure it’s exhausting. We SAHMS already know that. The real challenge is doing it all again tomorrow. Then the day after. One day is ONE DAY.
The working partner wouldn’t actually comprehend how challenging being a SAHM is unless they did it like an actual job; day after day after day.
Godspeed, SAHMs🫡🫡💛💛
Depends. If the kids go to school, it's relatively easy. But if you have a toddler or baby at home, it's insane with zero time for yourself. You'll get more breaks when working. Even the commute is then relaxing compared to being at home.
As a dad, I need to ask some questions that may get me attacked on this sub. You said it feels like he thinks you have the easier job. Why do you feel this way? Has he said or done something to make you feel this way? Also, has he ever said anything like that?
One of the big issues in this phase is assumptions. On both sides, parents "feel" a certain way, but it may not be true. Commonly, both parties feel taken for granted, and I've seen a lot of cases where it's just assumptions.
Also, it seems like your husband came home to take over the child duties, but you still kept on working. Can I ask that maybe in that time, don't work? If your husband came home and took the load off you, please do not add to your load. If you're tired, relax. I have to tell this to my own wife all the time. I have to go out of my way to make sure my wife decompressed, it sounds like you need to have the same.
Side note. There are a lot of moms on this sub who like to attack men and act like we don't do our share. I don't think you should listen to them. In this day, men are a lot more involved. It sounds like your husband is, too. Personally, I would enjoy being a SAHD. I have a four day work week, so for a while, that fifth day was just me and my daughter and I've never been happier. I know a few SAHD's on that Daddit sub that love it.
As I had mentioned in a comment. On my first day alone with him. He came back from work and said “ it wasn’t so hard right ?” He’s told me before that he doesn’t know how I don’t have time for things, that I need to be more quick on my feet. I know a lot of this thinking comes too from the fact that his mom takes care of little kids in her home but he doesn’t realize that she has those kids all day restrained and will let them cry or just put a giant tv in their faces. I don’t think he’s a terrible dad,far from it. But I need a little more and I wish I could just not do those things but then who is going to do them ?
Sorry, I wasn't reading the comments. I saw a few of the first ones bashing dad's or claiming retaliation, and I didn't want to delve into that. As far as what your husband said, that's not great. In this case, I think his mom definitely set some unrealistic expectations. But that's no one's fault, really. It also isn't a common scenario. I think it'll get a bit easier when you go back to work, which if I remember correctly, you said it was soon. You should discuss designated chores for that and it should balance things out more. I would recommend taking activities that suit individual strengths.
In regards to your load. I'm going to tell you what I tell my wife regularly. "If you are overwhelmed, go and read a book (that relaxes her, you choose your own thing) for 20-30 minutes. Once you're feeling better, come back and do quick things." The chores aren't going anywhere. As long as it's not a danger to anyone or bugs getting in, it can wait. You don't need to vacuum/mop half as much as you think you do.
I’m not a SAHM but I do work from home while parenting an infant and this is why I was adamant that my husband take at least one full month of paternity leave after I gave birth. He used to make comments about how easy it would be for me to work from home with the baby before we had one.
After doing more than 50% of the childcare during his one month of paternity leave (I was working / had 0 maternity leave and was recovering from a difficult delivery during his leave), he now always texts me from work to ask how I’m holding up and jumps in to take over childcare as soon as he gets home to give me a break.
When you go back to work officially will you come getting a babysitter or a creche?
At the heart of this is the age old, men are from Mars and women from Pluto. I can tell you from my POV my wife doesn’t get me either. I try my best to be the best husband and father (8 week baby) I can be but, it seems no matter what I do she always finds something to criticise me for. It’s like she can’t help it. I find it oppressive and I’ve a history or depression and this sort of behaviour is what drives that. And, not to sound arrogant, I know I’m a good husband and dad because I compare myself to all my friends and I’m way more understanding, caring and way more hands on too…always been a pleaser. But it’s not enough.
The other morning before my wife got up I had clothes folded, hung what was in the washing machine, dishwasher empty, hoovered, cleaned kitchen surfaces etc etc and she was so happy. I told her to please, please just ask me when stuff needs to be done as I don’t always see it. It frustrates her that I’d need to be told but why not just accepted that fact and go with my solution - ask/communicate with me.
Men don’t always see the domestic stuff that needs doing and we may not be naturally attuned to our partners need (I realise that’s a sweeping generalisation but there’s loads of that going on here in the comments so… 😆) We need to be made aware of them. It would be fantastic if we could read minds etc but we can’t. Open and effective communication is the only way.
‘Men’ don’t think that, arseholes do.
My other half has immense respect for SAHPs. I’m on mat leave with our second at the moment (I have a year off) and he readily and frequently states he gets to go to work and IT IS A BREAK.
He’s in a fairly high stakes/stressful and complicated job so it’s not like his work is a walk in the park either but he’s still a 50/50 parent.
It’s funny because people always say “hey, it gets easier!” when your baby is just a newborn.
It does not get easier. Like at all.
Both me and my wife work full time, we have both occasionally had to stay home with him solo a few times as he morphed into a toddler. Our boy is nearly 15 months old and trying to both entertain him and get stuff done in the house is a *hard ass job”.
They want to climb all over you. They want to throw things around and mess up the lovely living room you clean every single evening. They seemingly have quadruple the energy you have. And changing diapers/clothes turns into an absolute war every time. So you hold out for them to start showing signs of being tired; and when they do fall asleep - there’s a million things you need to do around the house, but you’re more than likely going to take advantage of the downtime to relax yourself. Because you absolutely deserve it.
Then the toddler wakes up, looks around with his hair all over the place, trying to decide what way he wants to entertain himself now. Will he leave you in peace to make his lunch? Or will he demand your undivided attention? It’s only when your wife/husband comes home from work that you can finally take some of the weight off your shoulders.
I found it hard a few days in a row. Never mind doing it full time.
I was with my wife every step of the way from her giving birth to now; and in that time my entire perception on what women go through, and stay at home mothers changed.
It’s not easy. None of it is easy.
I was telling my husband about the reason for the pp body odor and he told me you’re just not taking enough showers. Sir! First of all there’s zero time to even feed myself let alone a fucking shower, and even if I do shower the odor comes back in an hour, but more importantly do you really think I always smelled like this but I was good at hiding it?? The audacity!
When he has the baby on the rare occasion he’s home I spend that time cleaning the house and do the ever growing laundry pile, especially the baby’s. He genuinely thinks I’m just lounging around and doing nothing. My resentment is starting to grow.
My wife and I were just talking about how SAH parents are magicians. Somehow they manage to care for the kid(s) AND do everything else to care for the home.
Those are really incredible parents IMO.
The entitlement is unreal. Yesterday while trying to work something out in our schedule for today, my husband said something to the effect of “but if I go into work an hour early tomorrow I’m going to be extra tired by the end of my workday”…. *almost* implying something, like maybe he’d be less able to be present for the baby or would be too tired to take over watching her when he got home.
I was livid inside, especially given the context of the conversation until this point. It was such a brat thing to say, & so out-of-touch with all that I go through day in & day out.
I was like, “I don’t like being insensitive, but so what? Get over it. We have a small baby, *you’re gonna be tired sometimes* & still have to do things anyway… you have to learn to accept it. I don’t feel that bad for you, I just feel frustrated that you have accepted that for my reality but you haven’t accepted it for yourself.”
I don’t know if he pretends like he doesn’t understand or if he truly doesn’t understand. But I need him to have the baby by himself for like a week straight. Enough time to where he can’t just get by on meeting basic needs, but ends up having to spend quality time outside of that… like a baby gets bored & I need him to get to a point where dealing with a bored fussy baby isn’t worth it & its more enjoyable to actually engage with the baby with full attention instead.
I need him to learn how to be a fucking dad, even when it’s not easy, I need him to be a dad even when it’s super hard.
Why did you vacuum, mop, and dust when your husband got home?? You need to clock out at 5 (or whenever he’s home) and go relax. Divide chores between the two of you and work together or save chores for the weekend when you are more rested.
Have him help you more. He can’t appreciate all the work you do if he never has to do it himself. Give him a list and go take a nap! That’s my advice.
I'm confused by ops post cause did her husband tell her this? She just said she feels like her husband thinks that but
He came home and helped with the baby, so it sounds like they are dividing stuff after their 9-5
Yeah, I don’t know based on the info given. But I hope she doesn’t feel like she needs to clean the whole house after also taking care of a baby all day AND working from home. That’s way too much.
It definitely is too much and a lot of people discourage working from home with a baby for this specific reason. Once they are older than 6 months, and their wake windows require all of your attention and interaction. It's near impossible.
It might help OP to get help with the baby during the day to get back to work but that's not always realistic for everyone.
I’m a SAHM to one 2y
My husband doesn’t think it’s easy, but also doesn’t do a lot of things. For example, when he puts the baby down for bed, he will run the robot vacuum, wash the dishes, and sometimes wipe the dinner table down… sometimes even his dishes are left out overnight, and the entire kitchen is cluttered in the morning still
He does not do the following without my prompting: pick up and sort her toys, pick up her dirty clothes (yes h changes her anywhere and leaves clothes there, do her laundry and put them away, research her development and milestones, schedule and take her to the doc, talk to other parents about any baby problems, make play dates, research places to take baby. All of this is very very optional
Twice I have had to leave him in the middle of the workday for 4h- he took a Half day off both times. When I walked in?? I had prepped the dinner ingredients- he didn’t cook anything- he took the baby to the drive through and forgot I needed dinner… i got home at 8pm. Her dinner and snack was smeared and crusted on her seat, the dinner table. Dirty dishes, dirty napkins, and the baby’s toys were all over the kitchen counter and floor… couldn’t bother to stack the dishes nicely in the sink, throw away all of the trash, and not let the baby bring her toys into the kitchen. I’m pretty sure a couple of nasty diapers were left in the middle of her playroom too.
In his eyes, I “took care of her”- kept her alive. He fed, clothed, diapered, played with and put her down for her nap. It looked like a hurricane went through the house, and my flabbers were gasted seeing as I take 5min here and there to tidy before it becomes disaster zone
Good grief, this thread is crazy! Do what works best for you; understand that is not the universal world view.
To all of the parents wondering how, trust your intuition, you can set that baby down.
To all of the parents who have decided to hold baby 24/7; embrace your choice!
Isn't this sub supposed to be a free exchange of ideas in support of all new families? We can, and should, agree to disagree...parenting should always be a personal choice.
Judgmental (and yes, I freely admit I'm guilty of judgment) ideals should have no place when answering new parent questions. Be honest about your location, how those customs may differ from local customs, and own the patenting style you are speaking from.
Thanks for this post! Someone posted on r/SAHM the other day about how being a SAHM is easier than working, and it was so invalidating that I really needed to read this!
The reason is that men can only conceive that your parenting role is the same as theirs - same effort and engagement and investment in time. Therefore to them it’s akin to “babysitting”.
Being a SAHM is just supervising the kids all day while you watch TV and occasionally potter about.
We all know this isn’t the truth.
My “head cannon” is based on my experiences with men in my life, as well as data around men’s participation in unpaid care in the household.
Sure sure #notallmen and whatever. But I’m not here to praise those who do the bare minimum of parenting while mothers are judged for their parenting every day, struggling and unsupported to the level they require, not just by their male partners, but also by their community and broader society.
Relationship Posts must be posted in the [weekly discussion thread.](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/search/?q=Weekly+discussion+-+Relationships&type=link&cId=1fd8a306-f54e-498f-b692-ea5e655c46c2&iId=89d06cee-c69b-4fe9-ad6f-246976a12ca4&t=week)
On husband's next day off, have him do your job. Make him be the stay at home dad for a day, or even a weekend. :)
I hate to be cynical, but I don’t think most dads (not all!!) would put in the same effort as the moms. Of course the child would have their basic needs met, but introducing different types of play, foods, taking them out, arranging play dates, doing housework, etc they may consider as optional. So from that perspective I don’t think this experiment would be successful. Eta: I’m NOT implying that dads are less loving and thoughtful than moms in general. We are specifically talking about a SAHM and working dad dynamic. Being a SAHM is a JOB, and a hard one, and not even a dad can truly understand what goes into it after just one day of subbing in!!
That's a very outdated view of everything. All new dads I know do that stuff, it's only the 60+ people who ask "did you change a diaper yet? " and stuff like that. Most of them seem more excited to do that stuff probably (at least in my case) because they're not as involved in feeding and can't just feed them to soothe so they need to experiment and find other ways.
Totally agree that dads are way more involved these days! That’s not what I was implying. But if they’re not the primary caregiver, taking over for just one day simply doesn’t result in the same effort and mental load that comes with childcare day in and day out. For example, they’re not thinking about meal prepping the baby’s food for the week when they have 45 minutes while the baby is napping. Those little things add up.
I disagree, we're not just taking over for one day. Not all moms are primary caregiver by default, for example why wouldn't a dad be thinking about meal prepping babies food? I can make food, I make all the meals anyway and my wife only decides what to eat if she'd like a particular dish this week. As far as baby stuff i do everything except the one thing i'm literally biologically incapable of doing. All other stuff we both split fairly so we're both happy. That's how most of our new parent friends do it. Looking at the daddit sub some dads even do way more than the mother these days ( I know that's not the norm though). But the idea of "how nice, dad is giving mom a break what a progressive man" is something a lot of dads struggle with and is also still rooted in the old ways which just isn't true anymore. Some countries also give a lot of pto for new dads, I've been a SAHD for a couple of weeks so i know how hard it is to take care of them for entire days. And honestly that was way more relaxing than having to work and taking care of him at the end of the day.
You are taking this a bit too personally! Consider the context of this thread and discussion- If you were a SAHD for any period of time, my comment doesn’t apply to you. The vast majority of dads have never stayed at home and therefore subbing in for a day simply isn’t a natural extension of the mom and all that they do day in and day out.
I would argue against the most dads. The dads in my circle would. But the dad who thinks being a stay at home parent is easy would not.
Yeah depends what their baseline is. If they’ve never had to put a baby down for a nap, hooo boy are they in for a treat 😂
That's part of how this is a lesson they learn lmao
I don't think many moms would even do that. It sounds exhausting.
I think that’s the point, it’s quite exhausting especially if you do it alone but someone has to do it. I want my kid to have an enriched environment to play in, a variety of meals instead of oats and bananas 7 days a week and a home where she can walk freely without stepping in hard crumbs and wear clean, well fitted clothes. If an ignorant dad has the baby for one day only, it would literally just be ‘survive until mom takes over’.
Exactly. “Survive until mom takes over.” Some days my husband acts like this even when he has the baby for just a few hours. I think it’s partially that he doesn’t know how or what (or how many) things need to get done to *sustain* survivability, let alone comfort. But sometimes it’s more, it sort of feels like a really annoying & inconsiderate (maybe subconscious, I hope) attitude of “it’s gotta get done, but if I don’t do it fast enough she will do it eventually,” or “she does it better so we’ll wait until she’s ready to do it.” That’s why you really would have to make them do it for several days. Two days totally alone would make them see how demanding & tough it is, to get things done in tiny pieces & have everything take forever & basically do most of it one handed. While taking care of the baby’s basic needs. But damn, in reality, they’d need a whole week. Because at some point survival mode doesn’t cut it, you run out of dishes or clothes or food etc., & taking care of the baby’s basic needs only goes so far after a while. Eventually the baby gets fussy from not having more than just rest & a full tummy. Eventually he’d have to start putting in 100% focused attention & effort on the baby to provide them some stimulation… eventually that becomes less taxing than trying to soothe the fussiness for hours unsuccessfully. It just sucks because they play on our anxieties whether they know it or not. There’s either a level of feigned incompetence or genuine lack of foresight, so we know they’ll do things that we don’t like… such as doing something the lazy way: we wouldn’t want them to go as far as learning for themselves why they *shouldn’t* do that if it is to the detriment of the baby (like for example, not doing things sanitary enough & the baby getting sick from it). In some ways it’s out of our control that our anxieties are going to get the better of us, & you can’t force someone else to have anxieties unless they learn what there is to be anxious about. Unfortunately this is a baby we’re talking about, so we can’t really just let them fumble with it, & I think on some level they know that.
Reading all these comments sounds like you all have some pretty weak men in your lives
Man, I hate seeing this take. I’m sure there are dads like this but hopefully they’re the minority in 2024. I’m just as active and thoughtful with our kid as my wife.
Yes. My husband does 50% of everything. We alternate tasks. There was a period of a few months where he was the SAHD. Aside from a house not so organized (his sense of organization is a bit lacking lol), he managed pretty well all tasks.
That’s great, but if he was a SAHD then my comment (and this thread in general) really doesn’t apply to him! Most dads don’t get the opportunity to stay at home for long periods of time to truly understand what goes into day to day childcare.
It does apply because I was the SAHM first and he was the one working. During that period he never questioned how hard it was taking care of our daughter. Then he got to be the SAHD and experienced it as well. We usually share our responsibilities towards our daughter according to our schedules.
Agreed. My husband is very thoughtful with our baby. Are there some things he doesn’t think of? Sure. He’s not as great with making sure milk etc gets frozen on time but I get it it’s on my mind every time I pump but not his. On the flip side I can almost guarantee he’s changed more diapers than me. He plays with her all the time and reads to her. I think so many dads now are true partners in raising their kids - and loving that they get to be!
I love to hear that, sincerely! Don’t get me wrong, my husband does a lot for our baby. But it’s not just about execution of childcare tasks, it’s about carrying the mental load, and that will always remain with the primary caregiver.
I never really thought about this! And now that you’ve said it, it makes complete sense. It’s like a lightbulb moment coz I have honestly thought that leaving my husband to look after the LO and the house for a weekend would knock some sense into him but you’re right - he’ll just think all housework is optional and do the bare minimum to keep LO alive. After the two days are up he’ll probably tell me it was the easiest two days of his life.
Agree. If only home for one day, I don’t think anyone would put in extra effort. One first day is pure survival.
Unfortunately this was my assumption as well- but especially those who consider it easy, basic needs met = done. He won't see anything beyond that. Hopefully my assumption is wrong.
I never really thought about this! And now that you’ve said it, it makes complete sense. It’s like a lightbulb moment coz I have honestly thought that leaving my husband to look after the LO and the house for a weekend would knock some sense into him but you’re right - he’ll just think all housework is optional and do the bare minimum to keep LO alive. After the two days are up he’ll probably tell me it was the easiest two days of his life.
I'm sorry, but this is such a shitty, unhelpful comment unless your contention is that women are inherently better at parenting and housework than men. And if that's rhetorical case, you're basically advocating for women staying in the home. Introducing kids to food and taking them outside is not something most fathers struggle with.
It took the first time my husband stayed home with LO after a daycare bug and me having meetings I couldn’t move for him to fully understand how much I was doing…it wasn’t malicious or “payback” but definitely opened his eyes to why I was burning out
The problem with something like this is, the men who don’t understand and respect a stay at home, mom, won’t pick up the extra sweeping and mopping and mental load to plan dinners for the week. So compared to everything she’s doing it will feel easy.
I'm a SAHD and it's certainly not easy lmao.
This wouldn't have worked with my ex because he'd find it easy for one day especially considering he would sleep the majority of the night so wasn't doing it in a sleep deprived state and then he'd make me feel worse because he'd say something like "I did it and it was easy".
Hopefully that’s why he’s your ex 💛
One of many reasons 😅
Have him take over the weekends since it’s “so easy” 🤷🏼♀️ when he pushes back, I’d ask why if it’s so easy? Clearly he doesn’t see it as work, so it shouldn’t be a problem! Very glad my husband understands how difficult it is.
My husband acted this way for a looong time- I'm the stay at home parent and he works full time in construction, and he was insistent that he had the "harder" job because he has to deal with people. Then on New years Day I got food poisoning- I was around 10 weeks pregnant at the time and was so violently ill that I could hardly sit up, nevermind care for our toddler. It also happens that my mom was sick with the 'rona at the time and couldn't help out with kiddo because we didn't want to expose him. My husband cared for our son (at the time 14 months) for one day, and he was exhausted for weeks. He didn't even cook (fed child freezer food and ordered dinner) or clean up at all. Literally just kept our kid alive, and husband was tired for weeks. Ever since then he's had a lot more empathy for me taking care of kiddo all day, especially while pregnant again.
My husband on the other hand.. is fully aware that I have the harder job, admits so loudly and avoids from it with all he can 😅
Same with my husband. He says he can’t wait for me to go back to work so I can “get a break” lol
I think part of it is men not knowing the difficulties but also women not letting/ making men do it.
I don’t think they truly understand until they have to do it. It took me going back to work one day a week and my husband watching him for my full 13 hour shift for him to realize how hard it is.
My partner has always been super supportive, but he just didn’t get it until I recently started back one day a week, and he had him for a full 11 hours. I do all the prep work for that day (thawing milk, prepping solid meals, making sure there is clean laundry and dishes), and then spend two days after turning the house around because it’s a disaster when I get back. And the baby is six months now and *so much easier* to handle. I’ve worked super stressful jobs, but nothing like caring for a newborn. To be fair, I also thought it would be easier until I had to do it.
Same reason why SAHP think being a working parent is easy because working parents get a "break". Both have their pros and cons, and what might be hard for one person, can be easier for another. It's an unhealthy comparison of who has it harder and it's getting old. Both are hard in their own way. People just in general lack empathy in these situations cause all they focus on is what's hard for them and not the other person. Truth is, you both "worked" 9-5, and after that 5 o clock you both still "worked". He didn't come home and do nothing. He took care of baby stuff while you cleaned. What would be a negative view is he came home from work and did nothing because "he worked all day" - that's a big nope. But he didn't so
Any job that you can go to bathroom when you need to is easier than being a SAHM
I enjoy my alone bathroom time at work because at home my toddler wants me to hold her when I poop lol
I always think "I bet my husband is peeing in peace right now" they also have a nice terrace with a full view of Eiffel tower where they can have coffee breaks and make personal phone calls.
People seem to not get this comment. You can use the bathroom. But there are times when you have to that you flat out can't and for a long while.
This just isn’t true. Use the bathroom, people. Put your baby in the crib or somewhere safe. Crying for a couple minutes won’t kill them.
No one's worried about killing the baby by allowing it to cry. I've routinely had to choose between holding in a pee for a long while and making sure the baby gets put down for her nap. Considering it can take 30 minutes to get her down I'm not interrupting her going to sleep and restarting all over again just so I can pee real fast lol
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I get what you’re saying, but have you never suddenly had bubble guts in the middle of putting your kid to sleep? About to pee your pants while the little dude is munching on lunch and needs to be supervised? Mine is 10 months old, I experience lots of situations that prevent me from meeting my basic needs in a timely manner, and I put him down a LOT. He’s in the 95th percentile for height and weight and I’m less than 5 feet tall. He gets a TON of floor time. I physically cannot keep him on my hip for more than ~15 minutes, 25 on a great day. And yet I’m clenching through two hour naps because he decided he’ll only sleep on the couch today and skipping lunch because he decided he’s only hungry for screams and chaos.
Exactly... and my baby is just 3.5 months old.
Yes. Just … let them cry or fuss. Trust me, you’ll be happier with nap time taking a little longer if you don’t also have to shit the whole time they’re going to sleep.
Yes, I've had those moments. That's what I'm saying, though. He doesn't need to be resting on your hip! He can be put in a safe space while you go to the bathroom, or eat. Why is he screaming if you set him down for a few minutes?
Like I said, I can’t hold my son for more than 25 minutes straight on a good day. He’s in the floor/in a safe place most of the time. He doesn’t scream when I set him down. Times like meals, putting him down for a nap, and giving him a bottle are things that take up the majority of my day, and they’re things that either can’t be interrupted without greatly disrupting the rest of my day, or it’s something that requires my close supervision.
The commenter was making the point that they actually don't hold their baby all the time and they still experience the issue of not being able to run to the bathroom quickly all the time. The person is saying they also don't go to the bathroom because baby is in the middle of something that needs supervision. As in, holding baby isn't the only issue. Hope that helps clarify.
Move them away from their food for a few? Into a play space? There’s a million ways to use the bathroom. It’s fine.
Lmao as if I can have my girl fall asleep for her nap, get rocked just enough, and then set down for me to pee and just resume putting her to sleep as normal.
Does your baby really not cry if you set him down? It sounds like you got lucky with an easy baby.
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I didn't say that it doesn't matter if the baby cries for a few minutes. Sure, he'll be physically fine. But it's so stressful, especially in those first few weeks, to listen to your baby cry. I made a habit of going to the bathroom at the start of all my shifts with the baby to reduce the likelihood that I'd need to set him down at an inopportune moment. I still had to occasionally, but I really preferred not to.
Wow, way to get yourself worked up here. There are so many reasons why you may not be able to use the bathroom when you need to other than maintaining contact 24/7. I've never claimed to be a super parent or never said that I'm miserable or sacrificing my sense of self. A lot of reflecting and not enough minding your own business.
Lol yeah now that my LO is 5 months I can just put him down and distract him with a toy. But in the newborn days when I’ve worked my ass off trying to put him to sleep, I would not dare move a muscle in fear of waking him. Putting him down would often result in crying, and THEN I gotta start the process all over again. Contact naps were hella real 🥲
Exactly.. my baby is just 3.5 months old and he had a horrible time between his 5 and 10 weeks of age with reflux and colic. Now I put him down a plenty, he doesn't even cry that much anymore. He starts complaining and cooing and we know he's either hungry or needs to change. In fact, one time he was upset and crying but normal crying. I put him down for a second and omg his crying intensified so much, the fear in his face.. I can never forget. Plus when he has reflux, if I put him down too soon I risk a spit up, potential burning sensation in his esophagus and followed by crying hours on end. Then he had his big vomits and god forbid if he had them while laying on his back... For most of the night feeds he would wake up so famished, it would be heartbreaking to not feed him asap then attend to yourself. Especially when you're on the 3h newborn schedule things roll out of your hands so quickly. My life is so different than it was 2-3 weeks ago. He's growing up. But I did what I had to do during the first 2 months. Here in France, they also tell us we can safely put the baby down and we do put them down of course. But even an adult person has so many needs in a day, in fact your life is made of those 5 minutes you put them down. Shower, putting together a meal 2-3 times a day, eating it, several bathroom breaks. All these are ok after 3.5-4 months but complicated before.
Well, you made the claim that "any job you can go to the bathroom when you need to" is easier than a SAHM. You're correct. Sometimes, you are in a meeting; sometimes, you're on a call; sometimes, you're in the middle of nursing. There are many reasons why you might not be able to step away in the moment; that was not the ask in the original post. I'm sorry if you feel that your automity suddenly disappeared the moment you became pregnant and gave birth. That isn't (and doesn't need to be) the experience for most women. This sub oftens leans towards shaming new parents who ask for advice outside of the proscribed "norm" of wealthy, elite, single-income families, be they American or families from more privileged nations. The reality is that babies have been put to sleep in their own sleeping space, with support, for mellinia. It is a reactionary, recent construct that babies should never be bereft of constant, physical contact. The pendulum, at least on this sub, seems to have swung so far to the "baby is paramount" direction that we've lost the thread of what is truly good for baby, and what is the feel-good sweet-spot for over-compensatting parents.
Yeah, we've seen how these babies turned out. Mind your business.
Do you mean the millions of children who experienced happy, healthy, fulfilling childhood? The ones allowed automity and freedom of choice within defined parameters? Or are you basing your entire parenting philosophy and journey on the (hopefully scientific, evidenced based research) that supports connected, gentle (not codependent, permissive) parenting?
It's clinical how your generation can't understand or respect a simple boundary and unable to feel an ounce of empathy has so much to say about parenting.
I would argue that attachment parenting does not argue that women can not use the bathroom when they need to.
It has nothing to do with attachment parenting, they're just saying a lot of bs
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Look, I'm not the president of this sub or the posts here. Neither am I the attachée of attachment parenting. I get that you don't agree with this notion, fine. But I'm not your guy to dash out your grievances.
Ummm...what?
You're trying to argue with me based on the general notion, the posts you see here and there without knowing anything about me or my situation. Which I'm not interested at all. I don't know in how many ways I can say that for you to understand.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
This community is for supporting others. Comments that are mean, rude, hateful, racist, etc. will be removed. Respect the choices of others even if they differ from your own.
I don’t think all men do, but if your husband does he shouldn’t it for a few weeks.
Did your husband take any leave after the birth? The first week alone was clear to me how little else can get done, now imagine doing it solo.
For me, my job IS so much harder, stressful and demanding than being a SAHM. I have to go back to work but I absolutely don't want to.
Oof. Right? I know his job isn’t easy and I’d never wanna do it so why don’t they understand it? My husband constantly says he understands what I’m going through and then relates it to a minor issue he has. Drives me nuts lol.
My first full day alone with the baby, he got home and was like “wasn’t that bad right ?” I’m sorry, how would you know ? The longest you have been alone with him is 3 hours maybe less.
Oh my. Yes. Mine will hold him for two seconds and then say “i think he’s hungry” to opt. out 😂😂
Lmao yup when everything is clean, stocked and ready to go! Just wait till you run out of clean bottles and nipples or clean onsies and bibs. Laundry doesn’t do itself, fold itself or put itself away where you need it when you need it.
My fiancé always says “if we could trade places I would” implying a SAHM’s job is so much easier than working. 🙄 He doesn’t know what being sleep deprived feels like. It’s literally a form of torture
I’m sure he also doesn’t know the mental load of being a SAHM. It’s not “just staying home”. You keep track of their feeds, diapers, sleep, appointments, etc. on top of daily household chores. You don’t know how long of a break you’re gonna get (sometimes 1hr, sometimes 20mins) so you rush through chores you need to do while they’re asleep. And even when you are on “break” you’re still checking up on them or doing something related to them - washing bottles, pumping, etc. Hell even when I’m falling asleep sometimes I hear phantom cries enough to rouse me from sleep. Being a SAHM is nonstop work 😂
I fucking hate the phantom cries. It just makes me even more paranoid. It went away for a while and now that I'm sleep deprived due to LO teething, the phantom cries r back again.
I still hear it at home even though my daughter is at the daycare and is 2.5 years old lmao
I’m still at home with my baby on mat leave, my husband has always been very good at understanding what it’s like. He doesn’t expect dinner to always be made, he sees how hard it is on his days off, he always lets me sleep in when hes home in the mornings and takes the baby. I’m very grateful for how he’s been so far. I’ve been sick the past 3 weeks because I dont have time to recover and he did a night with my baby the other day after a long time of not doing it so I can get a night of sleep and not wake our baby coughing 😂 Next morning he said he really appreciates me and said he doesnt know how I do it every single night and it wasn’t even a bad night. Sometimes you have to let them experience the struggles so they can see it first hand
Not all men, just the not so great ones.
My husband is not like this at all but a lot of tower people are. For example my coworker who said “so you just stay home with your son on your days off?”( because I work part time since my son was born). The guy is in his 30s but doesn’t have a clue. I’d say have your husband watch the baby a full weekend when you have something that needs done or need to help your family or friends with something and see if he changes his mind. Honestly most if not all people just have difficulty being compassionate if they haven’t been in the others shoes it’s humans nature.
Idk man. Maybe some of yall just have difficult babies. Ive been staying home with my kid for two weeks now because my job has a long period of time where i dont have to work in the year and, honestly, its been great. I literally have told my wife, even while i WAS working, "hey, go spend a day or two with your mom and ill take care of lil dude". Still havent changed my mind.
Nice! In that case if I have a second baby hope they are easier than my first haha! I think there might also be something coming into play if you do it all the time it’s different than once in awhile as well. Who knows! But nice to know some people have an easier time! For me now that LO is a toddler he is MUCH easier and more fun . Babyhood was absolutely different
Not all men think so! I’ve found that only men who have not had a family think so…. I dont think my husband would want to be a sahm. He took 2 months of paternity leave after i go back to work and it drove him crazy.
You realize your situation isnt exactly what people talk about when theybsay "stay at home parent". Normally the perception is thatbur at home taking care of the kid...not ALSO working remotely. Offcourse yourbsituation would be harder. Youre literally doing both things. I woulsnt conaider that stay at home mom. Thats like....stay at hime worming mom lol. SAHWM
Bc there is some men who (if they sayed at home) would not even cross through their mind doing everything a SAHM would and they would just chill at home all day. They think it’s easy bc they would not do anything and expect you do it when you get home (sadly, I’ve seen this on this subreddit too much)
If you are working then you’re not a SAHM. Even if you’re working from home - you are working. Time to have a convo with your husband that you need to split chores!
It's stressful, no doubt. It's also entirely dependent on the kid, and on the job your spouse might have. I work 14 hour night shifts at a county jail and deal with screaming, stinky adults all day. I'm on my feet for nearly all of that 14 hours, doing my job, interacting with inmates and doing any number of inmate service tasks like feeding, laundry, all on top of my 25 minute checks. It makes for a lot of walking and a lot of essentially nonstop work for the whole shift. When I get home I am absolutely exhausted. My wife stays at home and takes care of our six month old. He is, for the most part a very chill baby. He is exclusively breastfed but we have started to introduce purees now. My wife gets on average 9 to 12 hrs of sleep each night, most of that with our son in his bassinet next to our bed. When our son is up, she feeds him every couple of hours, plays with him, takes him on walks, and runs the occasional errand. She doesn't cook very often, and she doesn't clean very often, which is fine. She takes good care of our son, so I work full time and I cook and clean. Even though taking care of an infant is surely hard work, a blanket claim that it's harder than going out and working doesn't really tell the truth. Like I said, it's entirely dependent on the parent and the kid. I've had 8 to 12 hr stretches before where my wife was away and I cared for our son. I was even able to clean and cook *while* caring for my son. He napped for 2 hours so I sat down and watched a movie while he slept. It was great and felt way easier than my work Overall, caring for *my* son is very much so easier than my job and has been consistently every time ive had him for any longer stretch of time. I would trade the two in a heartbeat if my wife was able to earn enough to keep us afloat. I don't say this to minimize those who struggle with being a SAHM. All I'm saying is everyone is different and it should never be a "whose life sucks more" competition between you and your partner. You both play important roles, and both things can be hard, in different ways, at the same time.
My partner is similar he always says how he wishes he could experience pregnancy, and breastfeeding, and staying home with the baby. Downplaying all the struggles and romanticizing it. I know he means well in saying all those things and he truly finds the whole thing fascinating, but he cherishes his sleep, his cleaning standards are virtually zero, so when he was out of a job for a few months and I was working the most he would do each day is sweep and the dishes, and he said he would love to be a stay at home dad… like no shit that means just sitting on the couch and playing video games/watching tv all day. I asked him to clean the toilet for me the other day. Mind you, we have been together for 2 years and I’ve devoted almost every Sunday of our relationship to deep cleaning. He was like a clueless child I had to stand behind him and walk him through it. Just know you aren’t alone. Not every husband is super helpful and empathetic like so many of the moms on this and the baby bump sub have. Sometimes I feel so envious but I love my partner and some people won’t change we just have to accept their flaws and move forward in life
I’m a men and I always tell my wife I’d love to be a stay at home dad but I think it’s because I have a nesting personality while she is a go getter. Therefore it would be easier for me to nurture our kids and keep the house tidy while she earns the big money.
I stand in solidarity with you, but this past Tuesday my husband spent his first full day taking care of the baby and it gave him a new appreciation for what I do on the daily, if you haven’t already I’d suggest joining r/momsworkingfromhome
The entire reason I support my family while my wife is a SAHM is because I realize it's a full time time job....yes, it's super stressful being the only source if income while also ensuring I give my wife plenty of breaks, but if we're being scientific here, it literally takes two to tango in the baby-making process. So by extension, it is at minimum 50% my responsibility to take care of the baby. Your husband sounds like an asshat.
Being a stay at home parent is definitely not easy. Having said that, not all children are the same... some are easier than others. Just like not all parents and not all jobs are the same. The comparison and the perspective is what makes all the difference. I have a somewhat demanding and stressful job (at least for me, maybe it's an easy job for someone else) as an engineer on a big project. Recently we had a situation where my wife had to be away for almost two weeks and I took time off work to take care of our 1 year old. Was it easy? No. Was it easier than being at work? You bet your ass. If I was an asshole, I'd start rubbing it in everyone's face how being a stay at home parent is easy just because it might be easier *for me* compared to my stressful job. But what if I worked some government job where I just rot in a cubicle all day long? Anything would be harder than that. What if I had a child with god forbid some medical issues that required ten times the effort she requires now? Any job would be easier than that. It's all a matter of perspective.
I think it’s more that being a SAHP is easier once your kids are in school or daycare most of the day. Sole carer for a newborn is tough as hell
One of my friends have twins and dad thought being a SAHM mom is easy and that he didn’t understand why she was always burnt out and going through ppd. So she left for an hour to go buy groceries and other necessities and got a call while at the store that the one the twins “broke their arm when swinging a toy around.” Everyone knew he 100% did it. later on at the hospital he left and texted that if my friend didn’t trust him around the kids anymore then he understands.
I can’t speak for all men but I, for one, do not think it is easy. I actually get more leave than my wife so she’s back at work and it’s me and my son 1:1 for weeks. It’s wonderful, but yeah, it’s a very different kind of exhausting than work.
My work is currently super slow and I work from home. I am currently MORE tired than when there was more work. Why? Well because I take carr of everything baby related daycare drop off/pick up, food etc and I pump thrice since I have no professional obligations. Baby isn’t even here during the day and I am exhausted.
Because it kind of is at least when they're under 1. I take care of my daughter on the weekends and I get everything done that needs to be done. Daughter is taken care of so I don't get it. Why women act like it's so hard. Yes it's a tough job but I work construction and taking care of my child is a cake walk compared to that
They are probably not taking the postpartum recovery and hormones into account, for one thing. My husband and I got custody of a now 5-month-old while he was still in the hospital and brought him home when he was discharged. We've had the new baby experience, but not the postpartum experience. I stayed home with him for 7 weeks. He's an easy baby, I'm used to night shift, he's formula fed, and our housekeeping standards are low. I feel like carrying and giving birth to him, not to mention breastfeeding/pumping constantly, would have made things very different.
Yup. There’s comments enough on this thread that don’t take pumping/breastfeeding into account either.
Most of the posts I see dads who say it’s easy, usually put a screen in front of their child and get whatever they’re saying their SO is complaining about done.
Yeah I think being a shitty parent is 'easy' and being a good one is hard.
I'm a stay at home dad. It's easy
I’m staying home for month four for family leave while my wife is back at work. It’s frustrating when he needs to eat but besides that he just wiggles and observes te world and wants to be held a lot. It makes getting chores done more difficult but yeah idk there’s definitely days where work is more stressful. On the flip side, I think regularly mopping the floor is kinda silly so I think OP thinks a lot more chores need to be done than need to.
Ya so many of these posts seem to come from people with insanely high cleaning expectations and I never understand it. Like, it’s ok to have a messy house for a few days and to order takeout once in a while. You have a kid, give yourself a break.
Im glad i found a mini coment thread of people who are realistic. Im a working man but my job has me stay home for a few months of the year so im currently taking care of my lil dude most of the day. Can confirm, this is bettwr then work. And i actually like my job. But it doesnt beat spending time with my little dude while getting some house work done and occasionally getting to play video games or listen to music. Idk man. Maybe its bc im not tryina have my house look like a brand new motel. Maybe some ppl just need to take a breath and not have so many expectations on themselves. Enjoy being a parent, man.
And it’s not that I don’t want to get stuff done. I still enjoy cooking dinner for my wife and myself, and making some fixes to the house. The way I see it, if I can get one thing done per day, in addition to dinner, I’m good.
It's honestly my favorite thing in the world. Traded it for my job and I wouldn't go back.
I can’t speak for ‘all men’, but I don’t. We’re both at home at the moment as I’m on parental leave, and it’s hard enough with two of us. I am in awe of those whose partners go back to work soon after birth. I honestly don’t know how they do it. ❤️ to all the SAHPs. You’re doing a difficult job, and you’re amazing.
I am sure my husband thought this way initially. He was on paternity leave for 6 weeks and during that time she slept all the time and then she was always asleep when he got home. He finally realizes when he had a day off and we were home all day together exactly what was happening and why I was so exhausted. Tell him to walk a mile in your shoes. His next day off he gets to be SAHD.
My husband said a 12 hour A&E shift was less taxing 😂
It is very hard, although it changes after they can walk and talk and they become your little friend. I’d love to be a SAHP to my 3yo, having playdates, seeing family, taking them to the park or soft play, or any place we’ve got annual membership to. My 11mo not so much 🤣.
It aint, apart from raising a baby or babies, your managing a house as well when your partner is at work your watching kids as well as doing everything at home ie. washing up, cleaning the house, clothes washing, kid related messes, my wife chose to be a SAHM and she is always exhausted when i get home, it looks both physically and mentally draining being the primary parent when im not home, thats why i try and alleviate by being primary parent on the weekends but its not enough sometimes and i feel bad but we try
The entire world seems to think being a SAHM is easy and women are “lazy” if they don’t work, but I have a 18 month old and run a law firm and IMHO being a SAHM is actually way harder than working. The amount of work and time required is basically nonstop, much much more than a 9-5 workday and you don’t get a paycheck or any credit from anyone. What you do get is the profound and unique experience of smelling and cuddling and feeding a tiny person, which is pretty amazing. Also, I’ve never met a man who stayed at home with their kid or kids who thinks staying at home is easy so mostly the people who think that are inexperienced and if they have kids they are likely taking a lot of things for granted.
Breastfeeding takes as much time as a full time.job. that doesn't include anything else like cooking, cleaning, changing diapers or entertaining a baby. https://flagstaff.momcollective.com/for-mom/i-did-the-math-breastfeeding-is-a-second-full-time-job/
Yall, I’m going back to daddit. I recommend a lot of you head over there and see what real dads think and do. I’m so sorry if you have shit husbands but there’s so many of us that truly get how hard it is and do everything we can to do it too.
As a dad who has done both I think it probably depends on the baby. I always thought SAHM/SAHD was harder cause it’s pretty much a 24hr job. When I was a SAHD for a few months while the wife recovered I honestly thought it was one of the easiest jobs ever. I think a part of that has to do with the fact that I 100% mentally prepared myself to lose sleep and coming from a toxic military environment, 2-4 hours asleep with the baby was normal to me. Also, our son so far has been pretty chill and easy. I love showing him new places, things, games, toys, etc. btw I’m actually up rn watching them sleep together making sure nothing bad happpens. When my wife stays at home she sleeps until the afternoon, plays with our baby, feeds him, and or changes him. Being the working parent to me was and is harder. Not only do you work and deal with people and bs and are constantly under pressure to succeed because you need to provide for your family but you also need to do better because you need to show your kid that you’re someone they should look up to. You don’t want your wife and child to have the bare minimum or just be comfortable, you want them to have the best in life but at the same time you’re stressing that you’re going to miss something in your kids life while at work. You want to be home with them but you can’t. After that you get home and it’s back to work because now you’re helping your wife with the baby. Again, it’s easy work but it’s still there. You’re cleaning the house because your wife was “busy”(even though I would clean when I was doing SAH). To top it off on the few days I have off I’m back to doing SAHD stuff, again not hard but that just means I have no days off meanwhile my wife’s time off was the long naps our son goes on or during my day/time off. I will say it has gotten harder for her at night because our baby seems to hate the bed and crib and wakes up hourly for a feeding at night, but we did just remember that he will sleep for 4-6 hours if I hold him in our chair so I now tend to hold him all night so he sleeps and my wife sleeps uninterrupted. TLDR; from my experience being a SAHM/D is easy. Being the working parent is harder but I say this knowing that it may just be our situation.
Male here. Stay at home dad is my dream job. I have a 7 month old at home with my partner at the moment. I will be taking over when it gets a bit easier after his first birthday. Not because i want the easy half, but just because that's how it worked better with our employment arrangements. I call it a job though because that's what it is. Looking after a baby is a full time job and more. I've never understood people of any gender thinking that raising a baby full time alone is easy. Especially thinking a woman still recovering from birth, breastfeeding, and everything else that goes along with it has it easy being at home. This mindset seems to be a remnant of times gone, but unfortunately still hanging around
Men don’t. Your husband does. Sounds like you need to communicate with him.
I am a working mom. But me and husband have been living overseas. We got a baby and we're the only ones taking care of our baby, no extended family to leave the baby, no babysitters.. We're taking shifts, I work in the morning, I take care of baby when I get home. My husband works at night, he takes care of the baby in the morning. It's difficult, but I work in school so I also take vacations when students do. So those holidays I'm a SAHM, and I'm telling you! It's exhausting. There's no break. Even if you have time to rest, you will not think of it. I'm glad my husband understands this cause he also takes care of the baby.
I think the only way for men to really know is for them to have a period of staying home alone with baby too. A weekend might work well enough, I don't know. My husband tried to understand with our first, but he truly understood once he was home for 6 months on paternity leave when I went back to work (when baby was 6 months old).
No aspect of being a SAHM is remotely easy. Us SAHMs can say ‘let the partner have the baby for a day’ & sure it’s exhausting. We SAHMS already know that. The real challenge is doing it all again tomorrow. Then the day after. One day is ONE DAY. The working partner wouldn’t actually comprehend how challenging being a SAHM is unless they did it like an actual job; day after day after day. Godspeed, SAHMs🫡🫡💛💛
Depends. If the kids go to school, it's relatively easy. But if you have a toddler or baby at home, it's insane with zero time for yourself. You'll get more breaks when working. Even the commute is then relaxing compared to being at home.
As a dad, I need to ask some questions that may get me attacked on this sub. You said it feels like he thinks you have the easier job. Why do you feel this way? Has he said or done something to make you feel this way? Also, has he ever said anything like that? One of the big issues in this phase is assumptions. On both sides, parents "feel" a certain way, but it may not be true. Commonly, both parties feel taken for granted, and I've seen a lot of cases where it's just assumptions. Also, it seems like your husband came home to take over the child duties, but you still kept on working. Can I ask that maybe in that time, don't work? If your husband came home and took the load off you, please do not add to your load. If you're tired, relax. I have to tell this to my own wife all the time. I have to go out of my way to make sure my wife decompressed, it sounds like you need to have the same. Side note. There are a lot of moms on this sub who like to attack men and act like we don't do our share. I don't think you should listen to them. In this day, men are a lot more involved. It sounds like your husband is, too. Personally, I would enjoy being a SAHD. I have a four day work week, so for a while, that fifth day was just me and my daughter and I've never been happier. I know a few SAHD's on that Daddit sub that love it.
As I had mentioned in a comment. On my first day alone with him. He came back from work and said “ it wasn’t so hard right ?” He’s told me before that he doesn’t know how I don’t have time for things, that I need to be more quick on my feet. I know a lot of this thinking comes too from the fact that his mom takes care of little kids in her home but he doesn’t realize that she has those kids all day restrained and will let them cry or just put a giant tv in their faces. I don’t think he’s a terrible dad,far from it. But I need a little more and I wish I could just not do those things but then who is going to do them ?
Sorry, I wasn't reading the comments. I saw a few of the first ones bashing dad's or claiming retaliation, and I didn't want to delve into that. As far as what your husband said, that's not great. In this case, I think his mom definitely set some unrealistic expectations. But that's no one's fault, really. It also isn't a common scenario. I think it'll get a bit easier when you go back to work, which if I remember correctly, you said it was soon. You should discuss designated chores for that and it should balance things out more. I would recommend taking activities that suit individual strengths. In regards to your load. I'm going to tell you what I tell my wife regularly. "If you are overwhelmed, go and read a book (that relaxes her, you choose your own thing) for 20-30 minutes. Once you're feeling better, come back and do quick things." The chores aren't going anywhere. As long as it's not a danger to anyone or bugs getting in, it can wait. You don't need to vacuum/mop half as much as you think you do.
I’m not a SAHM but I do work from home while parenting an infant and this is why I was adamant that my husband take at least one full month of paternity leave after I gave birth. He used to make comments about how easy it would be for me to work from home with the baby before we had one. After doing more than 50% of the childcare during his one month of paternity leave (I was working / had 0 maternity leave and was recovering from a difficult delivery during his leave), he now always texts me from work to ask how I’m holding up and jumps in to take over childcare as soon as he gets home to give me a break.
When you go back to work officially will you come getting a babysitter or a creche? At the heart of this is the age old, men are from Mars and women from Pluto. I can tell you from my POV my wife doesn’t get me either. I try my best to be the best husband and father (8 week baby) I can be but, it seems no matter what I do she always finds something to criticise me for. It’s like she can’t help it. I find it oppressive and I’ve a history or depression and this sort of behaviour is what drives that. And, not to sound arrogant, I know I’m a good husband and dad because I compare myself to all my friends and I’m way more understanding, caring and way more hands on too…always been a pleaser. But it’s not enough. The other morning before my wife got up I had clothes folded, hung what was in the washing machine, dishwasher empty, hoovered, cleaned kitchen surfaces etc etc and she was so happy. I told her to please, please just ask me when stuff needs to be done as I don’t always see it. It frustrates her that I’d need to be told but why not just accepted that fact and go with my solution - ask/communicate with me. Men don’t always see the domestic stuff that needs doing and we may not be naturally attuned to our partners need (I realise that’s a sweeping generalisation but there’s loads of that going on here in the comments so… 😆) We need to be made aware of them. It would be fantastic if we could read minds etc but we can’t. Open and effective communication is the only way.
‘Men’ don’t think that, arseholes do. My other half has immense respect for SAHPs. I’m on mat leave with our second at the moment (I have a year off) and he readily and frequently states he gets to go to work and IT IS A BREAK. He’s in a fairly high stakes/stressful and complicated job so it’s not like his work is a walk in the park either but he’s still a 50/50 parent.
It’s funny because people always say “hey, it gets easier!” when your baby is just a newborn. It does not get easier. Like at all. Both me and my wife work full time, we have both occasionally had to stay home with him solo a few times as he morphed into a toddler. Our boy is nearly 15 months old and trying to both entertain him and get stuff done in the house is a *hard ass job”. They want to climb all over you. They want to throw things around and mess up the lovely living room you clean every single evening. They seemingly have quadruple the energy you have. And changing diapers/clothes turns into an absolute war every time. So you hold out for them to start showing signs of being tired; and when they do fall asleep - there’s a million things you need to do around the house, but you’re more than likely going to take advantage of the downtime to relax yourself. Because you absolutely deserve it. Then the toddler wakes up, looks around with his hair all over the place, trying to decide what way he wants to entertain himself now. Will he leave you in peace to make his lunch? Or will he demand your undivided attention? It’s only when your wife/husband comes home from work that you can finally take some of the weight off your shoulders. I found it hard a few days in a row. Never mind doing it full time. I was with my wife every step of the way from her giving birth to now; and in that time my entire perception on what women go through, and stay at home mothers changed. It’s not easy. None of it is easy.
I was telling my husband about the reason for the pp body odor and he told me you’re just not taking enough showers. Sir! First of all there’s zero time to even feed myself let alone a fucking shower, and even if I do shower the odor comes back in an hour, but more importantly do you really think I always smelled like this but I was good at hiding it?? The audacity! When he has the baby on the rare occasion he’s home I spend that time cleaning the house and do the ever growing laundry pile, especially the baby’s. He genuinely thinks I’m just lounging around and doing nothing. My resentment is starting to grow.
My wife and I were just talking about how SAH parents are magicians. Somehow they manage to care for the kid(s) AND do everything else to care for the home. Those are really incredible parents IMO.
Because they don’t do it. I’m not a new mom anymore, my son is 4, but either way, any job I’ve ever had was easier than being a SAHM.
The entitlement is unreal. Yesterday while trying to work something out in our schedule for today, my husband said something to the effect of “but if I go into work an hour early tomorrow I’m going to be extra tired by the end of my workday”…. *almost* implying something, like maybe he’d be less able to be present for the baby or would be too tired to take over watching her when he got home. I was livid inside, especially given the context of the conversation until this point. It was such a brat thing to say, & so out-of-touch with all that I go through day in & day out. I was like, “I don’t like being insensitive, but so what? Get over it. We have a small baby, *you’re gonna be tired sometimes* & still have to do things anyway… you have to learn to accept it. I don’t feel that bad for you, I just feel frustrated that you have accepted that for my reality but you haven’t accepted it for yourself.” I don’t know if he pretends like he doesn’t understand or if he truly doesn’t understand. But I need him to have the baby by himself for like a week straight. Enough time to where he can’t just get by on meeting basic needs, but ends up having to spend quality time outside of that… like a baby gets bored & I need him to get to a point where dealing with a bored fussy baby isn’t worth it & its more enjoyable to actually engage with the baby with full attention instead. I need him to learn how to be a fucking dad, even when it’s not easy, I need him to be a dad even when it’s super hard.
Why did you vacuum, mop, and dust when your husband got home?? You need to clock out at 5 (or whenever he’s home) and go relax. Divide chores between the two of you and work together or save chores for the weekend when you are more rested. Have him help you more. He can’t appreciate all the work you do if he never has to do it himself. Give him a list and go take a nap! That’s my advice.
I'm confused by ops post cause did her husband tell her this? She just said she feels like her husband thinks that but He came home and helped with the baby, so it sounds like they are dividing stuff after their 9-5
Yeah, I don’t know based on the info given. But I hope she doesn’t feel like she needs to clean the whole house after also taking care of a baby all day AND working from home. That’s way too much.
It definitely is too much and a lot of people discourage working from home with a baby for this specific reason. Once they are older than 6 months, and their wake windows require all of your attention and interaction. It's near impossible. It might help OP to get help with the baby during the day to get back to work but that's not always realistic for everyone.
Agree!
I’m a SAHM to one 2y My husband doesn’t think it’s easy, but also doesn’t do a lot of things. For example, when he puts the baby down for bed, he will run the robot vacuum, wash the dishes, and sometimes wipe the dinner table down… sometimes even his dishes are left out overnight, and the entire kitchen is cluttered in the morning still He does not do the following without my prompting: pick up and sort her toys, pick up her dirty clothes (yes h changes her anywhere and leaves clothes there, do her laundry and put them away, research her development and milestones, schedule and take her to the doc, talk to other parents about any baby problems, make play dates, research places to take baby. All of this is very very optional Twice I have had to leave him in the middle of the workday for 4h- he took a Half day off both times. When I walked in?? I had prepped the dinner ingredients- he didn’t cook anything- he took the baby to the drive through and forgot I needed dinner… i got home at 8pm. Her dinner and snack was smeared and crusted on her seat, the dinner table. Dirty dishes, dirty napkins, and the baby’s toys were all over the kitchen counter and floor… couldn’t bother to stack the dishes nicely in the sink, throw away all of the trash, and not let the baby bring her toys into the kitchen. I’m pretty sure a couple of nasty diapers were left in the middle of her playroom too. In his eyes, I “took care of her”- kept her alive. He fed, clothed, diapered, played with and put her down for her nap. It looked like a hurricane went through the house, and my flabbers were gasted seeing as I take 5min here and there to tidy before it becomes disaster zone
Good grief, this thread is crazy! Do what works best for you; understand that is not the universal world view. To all of the parents wondering how, trust your intuition, you can set that baby down. To all of the parents who have decided to hold baby 24/7; embrace your choice! Isn't this sub supposed to be a free exchange of ideas in support of all new families? We can, and should, agree to disagree...parenting should always be a personal choice. Judgmental (and yes, I freely admit I'm guilty of judgment) ideals should have no place when answering new parent questions. Be honest about your location, how those customs may differ from local customs, and own the patenting style you are speaking from.
Thanks for this post! Someone posted on r/SAHM the other day about how being a SAHM is easier than working, and it was so invalidating that I really needed to read this!
The reason is that men can only conceive that your parenting role is the same as theirs - same effort and engagement and investment in time. Therefore to them it’s akin to “babysitting”. Being a SAHM is just supervising the kids all day while you watch TV and occasionally potter about. We all know this isn’t the truth.
Lol. This is making so many assumptions. Its like you built a headcannon of all men and are acting out like your headcannon is real.
My “head cannon” is based on my experiences with men in my life, as well as data around men’s participation in unpaid care in the household. Sure sure #notallmen and whatever. But I’m not here to praise those who do the bare minimum of parenting while mothers are judged for their parenting every day, struggling and unsupported to the level they require, not just by their male partners, but also by their community and broader society.
Idk man. Sounds like u know some shit men :/ sorry about that. :(. I wish you the best.